[ { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8921, "freq": 0.167125344008006, "mean_pos": 9.095385551452637, "max_act": 20.7061824798584, "log_density": -0.7769576831859439, "top_texts": [ "Depression through Hate? Depression is commonly associated with extreme sadness but what if that sadness is formed through hatred of yourself?", "PLEASE stop questioning if your depression is real For gods sake stop it. I'm not even gonna sit here and give affirmations about how 'real' your struggle is, because that is completely irrelevant. \n\nDepression isn't real or fake, it's not some magic trigger that gives you a 'legitimate' excuse to be a failure. Depression is just a word we use to describe people who behave like you. That's all it is. You are literally the platonic form of depression. If you are worried about whether your depression is real, it is real, insofar as an abstract psychological construction can be real. \n\nSo stop ninnying about whether or not your problem is real and start looking for a solution. Or don't, whatever you wanna do. Just stop asking if it is real. ", "Depression but no sleep issues? I’m coming to terms with possibly having depression (instead of just being a terrible person) but am hung up on not fitting perfectly into the depression box. Do any of you have depression but sleep just fine? The only aspects of my sleep that are poor would be the occasional upsetting dream or very infrequently waking up earlier than I’d like to. Otherwise, I fall asleep very quickly and sleep deeply. \n\nThanks!", "Depression is cool these days At least you have that going for you. ", "What is Depression (for Me)? Depression is sleeping until the last possible moment, before I’d be late for a job without fulfillment. \n\nDepression is daydreaming about a better career, a better life, and a happier version of myself - but never having enough energy to pursue it. \n\nDepression is getting home and taking a nap right after work.\n\nDepression is losing 60 lbs, getting in shape, and still not being satisfied.\n\nDepression is being told I’m smart, funny, attractive - and wanting to be someone else. \n\nDepression is finding waking up regretting another night spent with a woman I don't know, and won't ever care about.\n\nDepression is best friends with my anxiety. \n\nDepression is fueling my nicotine addiction. \n\nDepression is overeating or not eating enough. \n\nDepression is my failed engagement, and countless relationships. \n\nDepression is being too busy for my friends, while I watch a show I won’t remember.\n\nDepression is never feeling like I quite fit in any social situation. \n\nDepression is the product of my parents multiple divorces, and getting shamed for who I spent the holidays with.\n\nDepression is replaying all the mistakes in my head, and being stuck in nostalgia.\n\nDepression is not wanting to go to bed at a reasonable time, because I’m afraid to start a new day. \n\nDepression is “what’s the point?”" ], "top_scores": [ 20.7061824798584, 20.695785522460938, 20.3638916015625, 20.228378295898438, 20.038055419921875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptual definition, questioning, or internal framing of depression as a diagnostic construct.", "pearson_r": -0.33514339499453516, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7762, "freq": 0.1420383469420247, "mean_pos": 8.307209968566895, "max_act": 19.92705535888672, "log_density": -0.8475943876505895, "top_texts": [ "**If you're on medication, and you feel fine and like you don't need meds, that means the meds are working. Do not stop taking them.**", "Feeling sad and medication Hello everyone, I am taking rilatine (4x 10mg a day) for over 6 months now. \n\nIn those months it really did help me with doing normal tasks, like reading without getting distracted, I got good grades again, ...\n\nBut lately something rather sad happened in my life, and I have tried a lot of things to forget it, none of those things worked, and I stopped taking my medication. \n\nI recently started taking it again and whenever I do so I can finally focus on different things, and get the euforic feeling you get when you first start taking meds. \n\nThe problem I am facing now is that I am chasing the feeling (and not the functionality of the med, the reason I started taking it), and upping my dose to keep that feeling. \n\nIs there anyone who has experienced the same situation? If yes, how did you handle it?\n\nThank you in advance. ", "List the weird effects your meds have on you I take vyvance (I probably spelt it wrong). And when I take my meds it activates a chain of events, for the first 4-6 hours I spend obsessing over the thing I was doing when my meds first kicked in, than I have a 1-2 hour period where everything bores me and I sit at my computer doing absolutely nothing, than, finally my meds wear off and if I happen to be excited about something I will turn into a mumbling mad man.", "How did you concede to the fact that you NEED medication to be an effective human being? I'm naturally stubborn, and I realize that I get in my own way when on certain days I try to convince myself I don't need to take my meds, but then on those days I realize I get absolutely nothing done, and the cycle of self loathing just begins once again.\n\nI think for myself the difficult part is getting my mind around the fact that in order to be the best version of myself I need to stay medicated... but then on the other hand I dislike the fact that I can't be effective on my own. \n\nSo basically how do you guys contend with yourselves everyday and make yourself feel comfortable relying on medication, because ultimately you know you're better off for it? ", "How has medication helped you? I'm going to be taking meds for the first time and I'm so scared.. Are they worth it?" ], "top_scores": [ 19.92705535888672, 19.913042068481445, 19.837650299072266, 19.7661075592041, 19.64344024658203 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the personal experience of managing, questioning, or evaluating the efficacy of psychiatric medication.", "pearson_r": 0.8565199559711354, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3338, "freq": 0.21682170718948302, "mean_pos": 5.385416030883789, "max_act": 17.700830459594727, "log_density": -0.6638972383931718, "top_texts": [ "Long Vent I dont know whether this belongs here, I haven't been diagnosed or anything, but I was randomly led here on a googling whim, so w/e\n\nI'm 18M, and I just constantly feel like I'm doing everything wrong, and that everyone else is better than me. \nI've always been very introverted, and would prefer to spend time alone on youtube, rather than going out to clubs etc, but I've started to realise more and more that it is just a distraction from whats really going on inside my head. Things that I enjoy (games, programming etc) are just distractions from thinking. If I stop to think, then I'll usually end up crying in bed. I think I have some sort of dissociative identity disorder, or something of that ilk, and if I stop, I can't help but start spiralling down into \"what is real\" sort of thoughts. Even writing this out, I can feel them starting to come on.\n\nI feel like everything was going decently until the end of (British) college, as I had a close friend that would always be around if I wanted a hug, or just to talk shit, but I've moved away from her, and ever since I've never been able to hold on to friends. I always feel like I'm annoying them, and that if I open up to them, they will inevitably stop talking to me, so I'm always too scared too, because if they are close enough that I would consider opening up, they are close enough that I want to keep being friends with them.\n\nI feel that I am undeserving of proper relationships, that that literally every guy on the planet would be better than me, and if I see a pretty girl, then she will inevitably already be taken, by a more deserving guy that also thinks she is pretty. \n\nI constantly feel like I just want to stop existing. I dont want to die, I'm too much of a pussy to kill myself, but I feel like Im a complete waste of the limited amount of humans there will ever be. I sleep to get away from people, and in my dreams I end up doing the impossible, like talking normally to strangers, or the most recent one I can remember, where I rescued a girl from the side of the road in pouring rain, and carried her in my arms, and ended up hugging her in some shelter.\n\nI'm also pissed at the world in general, how life is just \"learn to make money for other people, make money for other people, die\", and the fact that instead of ending disagreements with diplomatic discussion, we try to end them with an \"I've got a bigger one that you\" fight.\n\nI am really sorry if this doesnt belong here, or I'm being insensitive, and I am happy to take it down, or edit as necessary", "Woken up feeling the lowest I’ve felt in a long time. I’ve woken up to the realisation that I’m a lot lonelier than I thought. I have hardly any friends, the friends I do have are busy with their own lives a lot of the time and I’m just a bummer to be around recently. I’ve got no job. No purpose. My relationship is horrible, it’s barely even a relationship, I’m trying to make things work with someone that barely even tries or cares and I’m sure is only staying with me because it’s comfortable for her to have me around because I’m always complimenting her and asking how she is, but she barely reciprocates. We’ve been together on and off for 4 years and we’re doing a long distance thing right now because she kicked me out and I had to move back home to a different country and live with my mum again while I sort my life out. Only for her to turn around and say she actually wants to try but she’s also wants to focus 99% of her time on herself. I feel like I’m being used, but I love her and feel like I would regret it if I gave up on us.\n\nI just don’t know what to do. I feel like a waste of space right now. Like I’ve lost so much of the things I want. Nothing is going right for me, my life is falling apart. I feel like such a loser, 30 years old, living back with my mum, no job, lost most of my friends, a shit one sided relationship that makes me feel so unwanted and just used. \n\nI don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be happy anymore. I think I’m just having a bad day, but damn I feel like total shit right now and I’m struggling to do anything.", "I can't do it I just can't do it anymore. I don't know why I feel this way, I've gone for therapy, taken meds but nothing has helped. \n\nToday I'm at my lowest point in years and I don't care if anyone reads this or not, I don't care to create a throwaway because no one except my mom will care if I'm gone. I'm probably alive because I know what it will do to her, she will probably end up doing the same.\n\nSome people have rough childhoods, have lost someone or have a reason or another to feel this way. I don't. I was born into a stable family, never had any issues at home, have a decent job and I'm better off than many people. I don't know why I feel this way, but what I know is I'll never stop feeling this way. I want to stop feeling like this, feeling useless, feeling like no one loves me for who I am. I keep taking on a lot of things at work so people would like me. It has just ended up making me look like a slacker because I don't end up doing the things I'm supposed to. I don't feel like going to work every single morning.\n\nI've tried talking to people about feeling low, and they try to tell me everything that's good in my life and it just makes me feel worse because I'm supposed to be happy right? I don't think I'm good enough for my job, for my friends, for my parents, for anyone. When people talk about losers, they're talking about people like me who in spite of having all ingredients to be successful just can't make it in life. \n\n\nI despise myself for feeling this way despite of everything around me. I feel so entitled just writing this, only if I could end it all, I'll probably be the loser anyway who couldn't handle simple shit. Simple things take me too much effort - taking a shower, shaving my beard, not sleeping in my work clothes, not washing my sheets, not being a total loser.\n\nI don't deserve what I have, anyone who has an average drive would have made so much more of the life I've been offered. I deserve to be stuck in the lowest rungs of society, being homeless and pretty much doing nothing but begging all day. I don't deserve anyone. \n\nI don't want to die but I can't live like this anymore. I cannot get my shit together, I can sleep for 20 hours at a stretch and would only wake up because I have to pee. I'm so done, but I will still get up tomorrow morning and drag my ass to work, because I have that meeting scheduled, that overseas phone call, I have to do that video shoot, and after that I have to hang out with people who pretend to give a shit about me but in fact couldn't care less if I got fired, or died. \n\nI hate the person I've become, I cannot stop working even when I'm home. I'm covering for someone on maternity leave and I've fucked up so many things by just not giving a shit, business has suffered and I've covered it up by lying. My boss believes so much in me but I don't see what she sees, I fuck up and miss deadlines on the regular. Anyone with half a decent brain can do the job I do, what do they see in me? \n\n\nI guess I've just been lucky with everything I have and it couldn't have happened to a worse person.", "Im confused I feel like a second choice to everyone. Nothing brings me joy but music,memes,cars, running and my dog. I've never had a girlfriend even though everyone tells me I'm attractive and I have an amazing personality. I'm very lonely I dont get invited out much and I dont really feel like my friends actually care about me, everyone I open up to them they give me the same copy paste about how great I am and how nice of a person I am but that means nothing when I can't see any of it actually happening. No one ever starts conversations with me I always start them even though people \"love talking to me\". I'm in a really shitty spot emotionally I briefly considered suicide but I realised that I'm scared of not existing. I really want to get out of this spot but idk how, it feels like the rational side of me is being silenced by the irrational side of me who makes me think everyone hates me and for the longest time made me think that me opening up is just me looking for attention. Help me I'm really lost.", "Why me? I used to be a model student, everyone thought I was gonna make it to a big name university. I used to have my future on the palm of my hand. My family excluded us. My aunts and uncles stopped talking to us when I was 8. I never understood why. \n\nMy sweet grandma was abused by my aunt, she went blind and was still made to do all the chores and cook. The clothes she had just washed by hand was thrown into the mud so she had to do it again. She was one of the sweetest persons out there. Why did it happen to her. \n\nMy friends began to exclude me and shun me, I became a loner at school. I would cry late of nights due to the loneliness and feelings of insignificance. My parents noticed and tried to do their best to help me through it.\n\nI was so stupid I was in a gang. Instantly regretted it. When I finally opened up to my parents about it, I saw my dad cry for the first time. My parent did everything they could to get me out. During this time my grades dropped so drastically. Went from a 3.8 to a 2.3. \n\nI felt like a failure, I failed my parents at every chance I got. I used to be their pride and I felt like a pain in their ass. I proceeded to get into various car accidents costing them a ton of money. For a while I would ask, why didn't I just die in that accident. There's been 3 terrible accidents where I came out with out a scratch, cars were totalled and IDK how I made it unscathed.\n\nNow my family is breaking apart. My dad cheated and we can't go back to the way we were. There's days where I just want my suffering to end. I ask myself why am I so week why am I so emotional. When I'm out I can put this front full of confidence but at home I can't.\n\nI was able to date a lot of girls out of my league. Wasn't able to keep them and I lost the great ones due to me cheating. A couple of girls I wish I could get back with and make it work. I know I don't deserve them. But still. \n\nI feel like I'm completely broken. I tell myself I deserve it for being a shitty person, and then I tell myself I deserve better and that it's their loss. I manipulate people and show them what I want them to see. There's been 2 times where I've shown them how twisted my thoughts get to make them stay. I feel like I'm being honest by showing what I hide. Then I think that I'm doing it to get what I want. At this point, it's played out in my head so much IDK which one is true. Even now IDK why I'm really putting this out there.\n\nPart of me wants attention and some sort of pity. Another part wants people to call me out as bullshit, so I can laugh it off and move on. IDK what I really am anymore. All I know is I can't put on the fake smile as much as before. My boss has been noticing and won't take a nothing I'm fine. She insists on getting me to talk. \n\nI like her and have thought about trying to get with her. But IDK if I really like her, or if it's just cuz I'm used to her, or cuz I'm trying to get over my last on and off relationship that lasted for years. IDK there's time where I feel as if there's more that one personalities in me and there's times where I feel like I think that way in order to make myself feel better about my situation. \n\nIDK just wanted to put my thoughts out there somewhere, don't feel like I can anyone irl" ], "top_scores": [ 17.700830459594727, 17.675939559936523, 17.01190185546875, 16.971569061279297, 16.43009376525879 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a state of profound existential loneliness and a pervasive sense of personal inadequacy or worthlessness.", "pearson_r": 0.5974379912529252, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1541, "freq": 0.22057452180044124, "mean_pos": 5.141666889190674, "max_act": 18.01433753967285, "log_density": -0.6564446516699003, "top_texts": [ "don’t sweat it :) just toss it i promise you’re good!", "*This message was brought to you by a bottle of whisky*", "This sounds like a card from a Sweet Ass Affirmations deck lmao", "You've got this! Make sure to put your needs first ❤️", "This is a cry for help if ever I seen one" ], "top_scores": [ 18.01433753967285, 16.631956100463867, 16.49451446533203, 16.369564056396484, 15.808728218078613 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures casual, supportive, or dismissive conversational commentary rather than direct expressions of personal crisis.", "pearson_r": 0.5344150471573776, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4970, "freq": 0.09661791798394251, "mean_pos": 10.897956848144531, "max_act": 22.788415908813477, "log_density": -1.0149423208499488, "top_texts": [ "'Ideal' partner for someone with ADHD? With social distancing measures in place, I've found myself with a lot more time to spend on introspection. I've been reflecting on what would be the best partner for someone with ADHD - someone who also has ADHD, someone who doesn't and who we can be influenced by?\n\nI (31F) was diagnosed approximately two years ago, which made SO much sense - although I have a very successful career (litigation attorney) and did well in school, I always noticed that it required so much effort for me to concentrate, avoid distractions, complete/follow through on tasks, and get organized. I harboured a lot of feelings of guilt, laziness and inadequacy. I was working all the time to get my work tasks done and felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I consumed a lot of caffeine products to help my concentration, but then suffered from lack of motivation, discouragement, and at times turned to alcohol for consolation.\n\nSince my diagnosis I've been taking medication and working with a cognitive behavioural therapist to develop tools to make my life easier. We also have many discussions regarding self-acceptance and how to show more compassion toward myself - I keep wanting to \"fix\" myself rather than just accepting who I am - the good and the bad sides! \n\nI haven't been in a relationship since my diagnosis. When my last boyfriend and I broke up, he commented that he found it frustrating that I seemed to never get to certain tasks - 'I don't get it, you just have to DO IT.' I didn't know how to explain at the time that this was much more difficult for me than it was for him. He was a disciplined and simple-minded person - for him, you have to-do list and you get through it. It was as simple as that.\n\nI do feel like my high-functioning ADHD contributes to making me a unique person - although I have the typical issues that come with ADHD, my brain is also spectacular for certain things. I am able to analyze large and complex amounts of information and come up with creative and practical solutions very very quickly (although there needs to be an 'urgency' that obliges me to hyperfocus and get it done). I am at the same time a very rational, analytical, structured business person, but can also be passionate, intense, emotional. These contradictory qualities seem to make it easy for people to like me and get attached - despite being very talented professionally, I'm open about my flaws and struggles. I also have a natural talent for public speaking and negotiating, and am good around people. This has allowed me to progress in my career at a very fast pace. \n\nIn relationships or when I like someone, I tend to hyperfocus on them. I want to know everything about them and contribute to their happiness. I take initiative and come up with crazy fun ideas, which they find extremely attractive. But my brain can also be all over the place...\n\nConsidering this, I've been reflecting on what the 'ideal' partner would be for me - obviously I will be very open about my diagnosis and promote dialogue and understanding. \n\nBut what kind of partner would help make my life easier? And what kind of person would 'choose' someone with ADHD and be able to appreciate them for who they are? In your experience - have you typically been able to find more common ground with someone who also has ADHD? Or, would being around someone that is more organized and disciplined be a positive influence? Would we be 'balancing out' the other person (if that makes sense)? \n\nI know that everyone is different and that there isn't going to be a general guideline, but would be curious to hear your thoughts and experiences!! Cheers.", "Any good videos on what it’s like to have ADHD to show friends/family? Does anyone have any go-to videos to show people who might not get what it’s like to have ADHD? Not just a description of symptoms, but more of a personal or creative explanation. \n\nThanks!", "Fitness and Weight Loss with ADHD Hi, I’m 37, a new dad and really need to lose 40#’s. I’m undiagnosed and un-medicated but have known for most of my life that I am ADHD. Ive learned to cope with it for most parts of my life but almost every time I try to start a new weight loss plan I fail miserably. 8 years ago my wife and I joined a running club and I lost 20lbs over 6 months and was in the best shape of my life. After 8ish months in I got laid off from my job after 8 years. This completely reversed my routine and I quickly gained half of it back and then over the years I’ve gained it all back plus another 15. I’ve tried a few times in the last year to restart but it’s gotten so much more difficult to find time with the added responsibilities of parenting. I tried recently to just diet (basically just kicking sugar and trying to eat salads for lunch) but again failed after a few weeks. Anyone have any tips or tricks for starting new routines or keeping with a program and not getting derailed? I know that for exercise I just need to to schedule it and make it happen but finding the time to schedule it in seems impossible.", "Is it possible for ADHD people to be in a serious relationship with the polar opposite of ADHD people By polar opposite I mean someone who has a very high standard of executive function, punctual to the second, non compulsive, rememberers EVERYTHING (so it’s hard to argue about things where I may possibly be in the right but I just can’t remember the details), and of course making them very very unfamiliar with the lives and struggles of those who have ADHD. \n\nI don’t think she will ever be able to adapt to understanding me. Nor is it her fault. We were not meant to be. I’ve tried very hard to adapt to her standards of living, to the point I become a different kind of person when I’m with her. I’ve also made so many mistakes due to ADHD, and as much as I try to explain it to her, the science of it, the way it embodies nearly everything about what I do, she could just never get it. \n\nOne consistent mistake can be addressed. 156 consistent mistakes can’t be addressed.\n\nShe told me “you’ll never change” and in my head I thought “well technically no”. But I avoid the ADHD word for the last few months because “you can’t just blame everything on ADHD”.\n\nToday I woke up late, it was the first time I used an alarm for a few weeks now. My brain is so that I adapt to alarms so quickly that they become obsolete within a day or two. My regimen is to have a shot of coffee and a modafinil pill with my phone in the bathroom which needs to scan a QR code to deactivate the alarm. I can’t remember it happening but at some point it rang and I promptly got up, took my pill and coffee, snoozed the alarm (I set it one hour before getting up for the modafinil kicks in). Well it didn’t, and even when the alarm rang again i slept completely though it. I woke up at the time we were meant to meet, immediately made an alternative plan dressed up and she wasn’t replying until I called her.\n\nLooks like that’s the straw the broke the camels back. I try to and aspire to be like her, but she will never nor can she ever be able to understand the plight of ADHD living, which is simply just too foreign for her to comprehend. And I sympathise with that. I’m not angry. \n\nJust feeling numbed out. Maybe I can fight for it back but considering this question (on the topic) - I don’t see any point anymore. \n\n💔", "Is cuddling out of the question? My husband and I have been together for 3 years, and married for 6 months. He has ADHD, and was diagnosed in college, and is now managing it very well (was on meds, but now is mostly self-managing). He’s an incredibly smart, interesting, funny, and all around awesome guy — and we have a great relationship all around.\n\n\nThe ONE (very minor) issue I have is: I’m a HUGE cuddler, but he has a 2 min (max) threshold for cuddles — unless he’s tired. Does anyone have any tips or tricks for cuddling someone with ADHD? \n\n\nI’m not sure whether it’s a him thing, or an ADHD thing (guessing so, as his reasoning is that he can’t sit still long enough to enjoy the cuddle), but wanted to ask you all and get some advice.\n\n\n(As an FYI: our current solution is cuddling and ‘tapping out’ when needed, and we got a dog who takes the brunt of most of my cuddle needs.)" ], "top_scores": [ 22.788415908813477, 22.530502319335938, 22.133190155029297, 21.646312713623047, 21.581140518188477 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the navigation of interpersonal relationships and daily life management specifically through the lens of an ADHD diagnosis.", "pearson_r": 0.8466313423754979, "pred_f1": 0.9090909090909091 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2584, "freq": 0.22121136306775535, "mean_pos": 4.714106559753418, "max_act": 14.543693542480469, "log_density": -0.6551925662229157, "top_texts": [ "can anyone recommend any good places where I can talk to someone about depression? can anyone recommend any good places where I can talk to someone about depression? ideally i can just chat through text and dont have to call them up, i really need to get some stuff off my chest, posting here cause i dont really have an alternative and cant seem to find one on google sorry if its misplaced ill delete if it gets downvoted", "I would recommend reaching out to a mental health professional. You may be able to see someone free at your school.", "question Is there any way of getting medical treatment or anything in that direction without your parents knowing? I dont know what I am supposed to do otherwise.", "You might need to look into getting a therapist specifically for eating disorders. You can search online or your regular medical doctor might have some recommendations on where to find one", "Have no friends. Any suggestions? I don't have any friends or anybody my age in my area to talk with or do stuff with. Does anyone have any suggestions with living by yourself with nobody to hang out with?" ], "top_scores": [ 14.543693542480469, 14.332514762878418, 14.022157669067383, 13.951452255249023, 13.94265365600586 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a request for or a recommendation of professional mental health resources and support services.", "pearson_r": 0.3668853202545289, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 751, "freq": 0.20185593740760116, "mean_pos": 5.090307235717773, "max_act": 17.208648681640625, "log_density": -0.6949584695396911, "top_texts": [ "I’d say there definitely are some perpetrators who would have been more arrogantly self-assured in this situation, but people also have a tendency to assume this arrogance is the case with all mass killers. Probably for the same reductionist reason many people also assume all of them are psychopaths.", "Doesn't mean it always works well but that's how I generally look at it. Yes, we are different from \"normal people\" but aren't completely different. That a little bit of what they perceive is odd is in them too.", "This comes up every once in a while. While a lot of schizotypals don't seek out help to get diagnosed, the ones that do still aren't generally the type to seek the lime-light. Even those that accrue some semblance of recognition tend to shy away from marketing themselves further, preferring to keep to their niche where it's comfortable.\n\nThe serial killers are brought up to the public eye unconditionally. That's the reason they seem more common. It's a bad look, but they're probably the very small minority of schizotypals, or some not at all.", "I think it’s really dangerous to assume people have personality disorders just for being shitty people. In this case it’s more plausible because of the genetic component, but still, bad practice. We all know shitty people who are mentally fine", "Same with all the cluster Bs, honestly. People can't handle our emotional intensity or self-destructive behavior, so they label us all abusers by default." ], "top_scores": [ 17.208648681640625, 15.690873146057129, 15.630356788635254, 15.532896041870117, 15.23107624053955 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discourse regarding the stigmatization, diagnostic labeling, and societal misconceptions surrounding personality disorders and mental health conditions.", "pearson_r": 0.22092986225018257, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6054, "freq": 0.13380489912889212, "mean_pos": 6.602657318115234, "max_act": 21.12237548828125, "log_density": -0.8735279817851541, "top_texts": [ "How? How do I tell my mother that i want to kill myself? I want help but I just don’t know what to tell her. \nAbout a year ago i was in hospital for trying to kill myself. It never went away. Even if I didn’t cut anymore the thought of killing myself was in my mind all the time. \nIt still is. \nI just want to be happy. \nI don’t want to go but I know i will feel better if I left.\nHow do i tell her? ", "I want to kill myself and think I’m close to acting on it I hate myself and just want to kill myself idk what to really say... took all the pain pills already and can’t find any fuckin poison around my house... can’t go the carbon route because i feel my familly would catch me before I get to finish so I’d have to wait and I don’t want to do that damn it ... idk anything right now", "I don't want to kill myself, I just wamt to die Holy shit I would love if I was walking down the street and some semi truck just swerved onto me.\n\nI'm just too scared to kill myself, and thinking of what my family members and friends woild do makes me cry.\n\nBut yeah, I would just love if I just got shot on my front porch.\n\n", "Help please. [Virtue signalers go elsewhere] I think I'm finally ready to end it. What are some ways I can kill myself that anyone can access?\n\nI thought about pills, but are there any I can access just from the store?\n", "What is a painless and fast way to kill your self? I'm just wondering, because I consider committing suicide in the near future." ], "top_scores": [ 21.12237548828125, 21.0257625579834, 21.001728057861328, 20.939205169677734, 20.631778717041016 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the active ideation of suicide and the solicitation of methods to end one's life.", "pearson_r": 0.7145861596514576, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7932, "freq": 0.19412286487592967, "mean_pos": 4.474535942077637, "max_act": 17.166061401367188, "log_density": -0.7119233057303631, "top_texts": [ "I feel broken Hi, I feel broken I feel left behind and alone in life. I just keep failing at everything I try to do and at this point I don’t know what to do anymore.", "Helpless I feel so helpless all the time. Like I basically feel like I'm just existing. Barely making it day to day. And I'm sure people are tired of hearing about it. I'm tired of talking about it.", "What am I feeling? Every time I reach home after a fun day with my friends, I always feel empty and sad.. My heart feels not at ease. I feel like something is taking away my happiness and joy away whenever I’m alone. I don’t know what triggered me to feel this way... Why? :( ", "I feel shitty Well i just feel like i am drowning right now. I just learned all my \"friends\" are going out tonight without me. Normally that wouldnt make me sad but they litterally invited everyone they know and not me so yeah there is that. I mean i am trying to get better and get help about my depression but little things like this hurts. Hurts a lot ", "Why Do I Feel This Way Recently my depression has gotten much worse so I made this account to talk about it. I have friends who want to help me and are always there for me, but when they ask me whats wrong I don’t know what to tell them. I don’t know why I feel this way and that just makes it worse. My friends worry about me and that kills me knowing I am causing other people distress because of some shit in my brain. Whenever I tell my parents how I feel they just shrug it off and say stuff like “what do you have to be sad about you have everything on a silver platter” and the most recent time I talked to them about it they blamed technology and took away my phone and computer for two weeks. I just want to know if anyone out there is feeling the same way I am." ], "top_scores": [ 17.166061401367188, 14.802294731140137, 13.77981948852539, 13.747061729431152, 13.482486724853516 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of persistent, inexplicable emotional distress and a sense of internal confusion regarding one's own mental state.", "pearson_r": 0.4680329164698261, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1944, "freq": 0.14435826870152615, "mean_pos": 5.733481407165527, "max_act": 18.784482955932617, "log_density": -0.8405583320959245, "top_texts": [ "Did I do the right thing? I feel so depressed and hurt. Hi everyone, I feel extremely broken and betrayed. I had an online relationship with this girl (lets call her T) for 10 months who lives in the US (I'm from Canada), we had to plans to be together, because I would be attending an optometry school which is close to her. We were friends for over two years, T helped me through my depression and anxiety, I was suicidal at one point and T helped me through it and I credit her for saving my life. Me and her clicked in every way, I truly thought she was the one for me. We helped each other through everything. The plans to go to that school fell through because I didn't receive a high enough grade in one of the prerequisites, luckily I had another school as my backup just in case something happened.\n\nSo me and T decided that we would just be friends. During the beginning of our relationship there was this guy who would make thirsty/pervy comments on her instagram posts and always try and flirt with her. I told her that I was uncomfortable and that it made me anxious. I felt like it was a threat to our relationship. She ended up blocking him to make me feel better. We ended our relationship about a month ago, and I still had not moved on and couldn't even think about dating anyone else just yet. She told me she felt the same way.\n\nHowever last night I completely broke down and told I was still in love with T, and I started asking her if she was already moving onto other guys and she told me that she had started a \"thing\" with the same guy who used to leave those comments. This felt like such a disrespect to our relationship. I felt so betrayed, she knew how much he made me uncomfortable. I told her that the only way I would feel comfortable being friends with her is if she stopped talking to him and she would have to pick between me and him. She told me that she couldn't pick, and me asking that of her was unfair and I told her that I can't be friends with her anymore knowing shes with him, it would be horrible for my mental health. She then called me crying on the phone saying she still loves me and that she can't believe I'm doing this to her. The worst part was earlier on the same day this other girl i know in real life asked me out and I told T that if I dated this girl I would feel like I'm betraying T, and I asked T if she would feel the same way if a guy asked her out and she said yes.\n\nI've blocked her on every app, except her phone number and told her if she ever feels suicidal or absolute needs a shoulder to cry on she can contact me but otherwise I don't want her talking to me. Getting over her was already hard enough, this has made it so difficult. It's only been a day and I already want to unblock her and talk to her, but I won't because I don't deserve this kind of treatment. I just don't know how to get through this, I still think about her constantly. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.", "How did you ignore your ex-boyfriend/gf after you broke up? My beautiful boyfriend of 5 years has recently broken up with me, but we still live together. He's moving overseas indefinitely in 4 months time. \n\nHe's looking for a room to move out and I find that I'm doing everything I can to convince him to stay with me for the next 4 months - I can't help but desperately cling onto him. Today I found a message he sent to a girl asking about a free room in her sharehouse, but she was super attractive and single. I have kept my cool but man did I cry and cry and cry in my sleep last night, I don't think it's fair.\n\nWhat are your tips for setting boundaries or ignoring your ex-SO when they want nothing to do with you?", "So, i met this guy, and he's a total dream of mine. We have the same interests, same sense of humor, we just click. But then afterwards i found out he has a girlfriend. My heart is broken. Idk what to do, i don't want to let him go, and i think we could be friend. But at the same time it felt wrong to keep communicating with him because he has a girlfriend. What do you guys think i should do? Thanks in advance\nhttps://reddit.com/r/BorderlinePDisorder/comments/s96kow/my_fp_has_a_girlfriend_what_should_i_do/", "Stuck in quarantine with the girl I love who doesn’t love me back. I’ve been in quarantine with my two best friends. But I am in love with one of them who knows I have a crush (not love) on her but doesn’t feel the same way. Which is fine of course but. Before the quarantine happened, I was doing well getting over her by not seeing her as much, but now our dorms kicked us out so we are now living under the same roof and it kills me. I wanted to believe it was just a crush, but no. I love her. A lot more than she loves herself, and it sounds corny but it’s true. \nThe worst part is, SHE herself is in love with the other guy we are quarantined with who is an “Ex-FWB” with her and he doesn’t love him back. There were a couple of nights where I listened to her vent her frustrations about him but it hurts. This is going to sound a little “r/niceguys”, but it sucks she isn’t attracted to me because we are as close as two people can get. And it doesn’t help that we are hanging out doing things that couples do and i’m left yelling in my head “WHY CAN’T YOU SEE WE WILL BE GREAT TOGETHER!” At least better than they would be. Anyways, there are a few months left before our we all go home but it’s torture right now. Any advice or any words of wisdom will be appreciated.", "End things with the fiancée. Don’t make your feelings clear for the coworker until you’ve done so. This is the RIGHT thing to do, even though it will be hard. I am predicting that things probably won’t go anywhere with your coworker, and then you will desperately want your partner back per your cycle. You will eventually find someone else you are more attracted to and the cycle will repeat itself. I feel wicked bad for your girlfriend...the comparisons you made between her and the coworker are HARSH. End it. " ], "top_scores": [ 18.784482955932617, 18.589977264404297, 18.38161849975586, 18.051773071289062, 17.915878295898438 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the emotional distress and interpersonal conflict associated with romantic heartbreak, unrequited love, or relationship dissolution.", "pearson_r": 0.7167373121178635, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1363, "freq": 0.12138649441626674, "mean_pos": 6.676190376281738, "max_act": 21.5123348236084, "log_density": -0.9158296270369599, "top_texts": [ "It's rare but possible to have extended psychosis without having schizophrenia. Schizophrenia requires two or more distinct symptoms for six months or more. One of these symptoms must be disorganized thinking, delusions, or hallucinations. The other two are disorganized behavior and negative symptoms.\n\nJust ask if you have schizophrenia at your next visit. If you have two symptoms and at least one is psychotic then that is enough.", "Anyone else have just one episode? So almost 3 years ago I had a psychotic episode that lasted a few months. I was delusional, but after the first week on meds I could sort of accept that I was ill. I was hospitalized for 3 days. I had delusions about being monitored by the government but didn’t talk about it, I knew enough to pretend not to have these thoughts.\n\nI was on risperidone then Abilify for two years then slowly weaned off 7 months ago to the horror of my psychiatrist. I have plenty of problems, bouts of depression, eating disorders, personality disorders that result in having no friends. I’m an alcoholic, sober for almost 1 year. At 26 I live at home and have a part time job, taking some college classes on the side. My parents are convinced I’m going to have another episode at any moment because my medical record shows schizophrenia spectrum disorder. I was on Adderall and high dose Prozac when I had my episode and think that had something to do with it. Despite my many issues I have not had delusions or paranoia since the first episode. I would take the meds again if symptoms returned but not if I don’t absolutely need them. I am taking an antidepressant and mood stabilizer so it’s not like I refuse everything.\n\nAnyone else have a single psychotic episode, or have them spaced apart by years while unmedicated?", "Has anyone experienced/Got psychotic depression? What is life like for you? I hear voices and delusions are a lot less common in psychotic depression and it’s mainly Paranoia, guilt, and lack of self esteem delusions, and than the concentration issues like memory loss etc, I’m just looking for experiences because my doctor believes I got schizophrenia but I don’t believe him as literally everything I read online and all my experiences have meaning to them where as schizophrenia it’s more you just get symptoms for no reason, I’m not looking for people to tell me talk to your doctor because I’m obviously going to I’m just looking for loved experiences", "Bipolar with psychotic features can look a lot like schizophrenia. Paranoia, thought disorder, delusions, hallucinations.\n\nSchizophrenia delusions tend to be a bit more bizarre and long-lasting, taking a long time of aberrant salience to build up. Psychotic symptoms in schizophrenia also tend to be more chronic. Bipolar psychosis is episodic, but an important thing to remember is that depressive and manic phases can last *a long time*. Months, sometimes.\n\nI was diagnosed first with bipolar for thought disorder, paranoia, some hallucinations, but also severe mood episodes. Once the mood stabilizers had some time to work and take care of the mood side and the psychotic symptoms persisted it was clear that there was schizophrenia mixed in there as well. Also, some of the symptoms thought to be depression turned out to be negative symptoms.\n\nSo it's not possible to have schizophrenia and then not have it later, but it is possible to be diagnosed as something and then have it revoked with more evidence. So if your diagnosis changed from schizophrenia to bipolar it doesn't mean that you got rid of schizophrenia, it means you didn't have it in the first place.\n\nBipolar is a serious condition though so I hope you continue to get help for your moods and psychotic symptoms.", "So, the likelyhood of this being schizophrenia is low but not impossible. I have had some experiences with things similar with relatives and friends relatives. So, schizophrenia is not normally diagnosed in older adults, females especially. Now if she had a prior psychiatric diagnosis and stopped taking her meds recently, possible. With my Grandmother, it was dementia which was a very steep downhill slope. With my MIL it was unmitigated diabetes, then it was lesions on her brain that were irritated and inflamed by a systemic infection. Now it’s cancer. I have heard of this in people with Alzheimer’s as well. You would know it best, but if it was a slow decline to this and is progressing rapidly it could be an unaddressed psychiatric disorder, but if this is out of the blue it may be something different. Environmental factors such as stress or trauma can cause symptoms like this as well. I wish you the best as all the information in the world will not help if you can’t get her evaluated. If she has regular GP appointment and would be willing to allow one of you to go with her. So to be clear, although rare, a psychotic break is possible at any time, but schizophrenia is not usually diagnosed later in life. Of course I am not a doctor so best thing to do is try to get the advice of one." ], "top_scores": [ 21.5123348236084, 20.926889419555664, 20.612825393676758, 20.4545841217041, 20.364309310913086 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical discussion and diagnostic criteria of psychotic disorders, specifically schizophrenia and its associated symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.6439664940827364, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7537, "freq": 0.1682170718948302, "mean_pos": 4.596144199371338, "max_act": 14.781294822692871, "log_density": -0.7741299283494442, "top_texts": [ "It's really difficult. No, I'm not but I think I might need to be!", "I actually do, but it doesn't feel good. I feel like it might be just not for me, but I will continue socializing, because I also might be doing something wrong.", "yeah those are issues I recognize sadly... I have my moments, so I do know that enjoyment exists but I don't have too many of those and they usually won't last.", "Agreed. Though the ability to not care makes this easier to live with - at times it's still, as I said, unbearable.", "It is, but it's a give and take sort of situation, and I'm realizing that I'm giving her nothing, hah, so I just need to buck up a bit." ], "top_scores": [ 14.781294822692871, 14.466504096984863, 14.221710205078125, 14.06877613067627, 13.826998710632324 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the internal struggle of self-evaluation and the effort to persist through personal inadequacy or emotional difficulty.", "pearson_r": -0.1539459025304142, "pred_f1": 0.6153846153846154 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9578, "freq": 0.11515454772897855, "mean_pos": 6.3624958992004395, "max_act": 20.632219314575195, "log_density": -0.9387189022600836, "top_texts": [ "Your parents sound like problem parents. They sound controlling and intrusive. I had a mum like this. Nothing will meet their expectations. Please start working with your T on what you want, not what they expect.", "I relate with my dad but my mom was always there, she even worked at my school until 6th grade. My mom joined in with my bullies. My dad’s only flaw as a parent is staying with my mother", "Sorry to hear about your abusive parents. I was closer to my mom, while my dad hit and yelled at me. I only hid my report cards from him. From what my mom told me, he was terrible in school.\n\nI graduated from college years ago and have decent paying job, but he has no idea what I do.", "My parents believe in me I'm a high school senior and my parents found out I was self harming with a kitchen knife. They gave me an hour long talk and have recently been giving me reassuring remarks and extra family outings as their attempt to heal me, but nothing to punish, no weird stares, nothing that made me feel uncomfortable. My parents had always reprimanded me for quitting so many extracurricular activities when I was in elementary school, but now they're different. For example, even though my dad filed for divorce half a year ago and got Mom a separate house, my parents have been closer than ever before, always smiling at each other and not arguing at all (whether that is only when I'm around is beyond me). \n\nInstead of getting better, I've been self harming in less visible places like my stomach, sleeping with knives in my bed, choosing to get \"addicted\" to video games to make myself feel worse, purposefully not giving it my all to win to validate my identity as someone weak, pushing away my friends by being annoying irl and online, all behind my trusting parents' backs, parents who think I'm strong and that my self harm compulsion was just a phase. \n\nRecent texts from my wonderful, smart, and yet easily deceived father:\n\n\"Hey V, how was your day today?\"\n\n\"I just got done playing basketball, for the first time in two months. All my reactions were a half second too slow, and I have a slight strain in my glute. Hopefully I can work through it.\"\n\n\"Enjoy your youth, enjoy your youth!\"\n\n...\n\nAs soon as I finished reading that I picked up my thrown, almost slammed it on a table, set it down gently, and picked up a knife and started making more marks on my abdomen. 'Cuz I dunno if others get feels from that message, but that shit broke me.", "Mother was actually diagnosed with NPD the same year I got diagnosed with ASPD, however she's not your typical \"narc parent\". Sure, she has her neurotic moments and times where she loses it when the littlest thing doesn't go her way, but most of the time the main characteristic that she'd display is extreme confidence in both herself and me. She has always pushed me to be perfect, to aim higher and strive to be better than the best. And in a way, I thank her for that, because I wouldn't be who I am today without perfectionism engraved in me.\n\nMy father on the other hand is.. a different picture. Everyone from the family says I'm the living image of my father, yet the only thing I've taken from my mother is the cute nose. My father has always been a total charmer and an excellent manipulator, that somehow goes unnoticed by those affected. From the way he speaks, to the calm demeanor he displays, and the way his humble requests ring in your ears as something you owe him, he has this effect on people that make them idolise him.\n\nWhile he is a man of many successes, a person loved by many, he has his dark side as well. I wouldn't go into detail about the crimes he's done and is still doing, but one day me and my partner decided to count only his gun-related crimes and estimated he'd get life in prison if he ever gets caught. Fortunately, his reputation is what keeps him away from the bars. Chad dad vs. virgin me who got caught with drugs." ], "top_scores": [ 20.632219314575195, 19.502138137817383, 18.97400665283203, 18.732711791992188, 18.191621780395508 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of parental dynamics and childhood family trauma.", "pearson_r": 0.6804756556368303, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10147, "freq": 0.07971888006914277, "mean_pos": 9.039655685424805, "max_act": 22.33363914489746, "log_density": -1.0984388056678278, "top_texts": [ "Is it healthy for a BPD person to be friends with another BPD? I don't want to tell the details.", "Advise needed for BPD friendship. Hello everyone! I have a friend that has BPD. We know each other since high school and we have been friends for years. During these years our friendship was/is unstable. There were times we were not speaking to each other and times were we were hanging out together. We never had any big arguments and I enjoy our time together. \n\nI am a person who enjoys solitude and to spend time by myself. I also tend to distance people and avoid social interactions when I am stressed. My friend needs a frequent and stable relationship with people because otherwise they feel abandoned. I understand this is a symptom of BPD and we have discussed it frequently.\n\nToday they told me that they thought best if we stopped communicating and that they feel that our relationship is not working out. They said that this is not what they want but they believe it is better this way because none of us will get hurt and asked me if I could think of a better solution.\n\nI really enjoy the company of my friend and I would like to continue our friendship. I am also willing to try to be more social with them. However I do not know whether this is going to be good for them. I understand that they feel abandoned by me and this feeling is very painful to them. But I also know that pushing people away and needing validation is also a symptom of BPD. \n\nMy question is: Would it be best for them for me to try and continue our friendship (to validate them) or for us to end it?\n\nThank you for your time reading this!", "Do I have bpd? How can I be sure if I have bpd?", "everyone with bpd is a god at sex and you can’t change my mind", "There arent meds specifically for BPD, but there are medications to help with symptoms (like mood stabilizers)" ], "top_scores": [ 22.33363914489746, 21.24751091003418, 20.99860382080078, 20.830833435058594, 20.73940658569336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).", "pearson_r": 0.7460679822343683, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5930, "freq": 0.1602110673914527, "mean_pos": 4.490130424499512, "max_act": 16.71171760559082, "log_density": -0.795307483412326, "top_texts": [ "I sort of think this is abusing the trust in your therapy relationship. Your T is continuing to be present, hold the time slot for you (as opposed to potential other clients), and invest in doing the work with you. But you are not giving them the same respect, and by extension, you are not respecting yourself. Do you have a history of hiding your substance use from other people in your life? If so, you are merely repeating this with your T. Unfortunately, one of the costs of substance use *is* relationships with significant others (including Ts). Sometimes, the loss of such relationships is what motivates people to change. Sometimes, the substances are an *unconscious* way of avoiding the responsibilities of maintaining close and lasting relationships. I encourage you to be responsible and tell your T, even if termination ensues. It will be a big life lesson that when it comes to drugs and alcohol, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It will also mean you have grown as a person, willing to accept responsibility and consequences. Because at present you are rationalising (\"accidentally\" used before session etc.) and sound like you are looking for someone to ease your guilty conscience.", "Yeah I get where you’re coming from. I do think it is important for her to come to understand this from your point of view. You feel like a boundary was crossed because she forced you to share something that was private. I think you should explain why you are mad and let her know this is a non negotiable for you, her behavior hurt you and in the future if something like this comes up again, she needs to respect your privacy and handle it very differently.", "I can see why you might have found it infantalising or even creepy coming from an older male therapist. However, my interpretation would be that he meant it as a throw away comment. I don't think it's a red flag or anything. I would go back and tell.him about it. I wonder if some transference was triggered- have males patronised or infantalised you? If so you could have a sensitive spot for that kind of comment based on past experiences.", "I think that’s great you’re also telling your daughter that you feel hurt too. I think the only BAD thing you could do would be to bad mouth them to your daughter, or in front of her. Honestly your whole family deserves better ♥️", "I fully get this. I suspect you aren't or weren't heard much by the adults around you growing up, and it feels as though your T is doing the same thing. I suggest telling them you felt alone and unheard following a big event and go from there next session." ], "top_scores": [ 16.71171760559082, 15.391494750976562, 14.589407920837402, 14.487119674682617, 14.302140235900879 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents advice on navigating the therapeutic relationship and managing interpersonal dynamics with a therapist.", "pearson_r": 0.5130641909111572, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9338, "freq": 0.17408510928651033, "mean_pos": 4.100200176239014, "max_act": 15.0186767578125, "log_density": -0.7592383730351244, "top_texts": [ "Actually, much the same as you. I felt validated and more confident to handle it now that I knew what it was. Deep down I know it's meaningless because it's just a label, but at the time it made me feel better.", "Honestly, it felt very empowering and validating to me when I became aware. There's a new impetus in life for me. Plus, I kind of see it as a superpower.", "Hmmm, I would say in a good way as in “I finally feel like someone GETS it” and doesn’t just think they do. But the experiences in it I don’t like that I relate to, if that makes sense", "I've never thought about it like that before, it makes so much sense. Good on you for stepping back and realizing what was actually happening. Takes a lot of insight and strength.", "I never really understood it. Like... I was comforted by knowing what was wrong about me. And I actually took pride in it for awhile lol" ], "top_scores": [ 15.0186767578125, 14.482623100280762, 13.85636043548584, 12.650303840637207, 12.627050399780273 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the sense of relief, validation, and empowerment derived from receiving a formal diagnosis or label for one's mental health experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.2027212135198458, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 207, "freq": 0.1503855164100348, "mean_pos": 4.672948360443115, "max_act": 16.15812110900879, "log_density": -0.8227939856310457, "top_texts": [ "I’m so sick of being so self conscious and socially awkward I don’t know if this is part of ADHD, but I am extremely self conscious and whenever I’m around people and I don’t know well, I freeze up, look away and feel like I come off as quiet and weird to people. If I just started a new job yesterday at a hospital, and I felt so intimidated and awkward. I think I said maybe 10 words the whole day. Everyone else around me knows each other so I found it very difficult to make conversation and every time I would think of something I wanted to say, I would go over it in my head and be scared what if they don’t hear me or what if they will be annoyed that I’m joining in their conversation.. I left my first day feeling like they were talking about me as soon as I got on the elevator even though no one there gave me the indication they didn’t like me. Then I thought they probably think I’m a weird person because I barely talked. I feel so hopeless I just wish I was one of those outgoing bubbly people that seem to be able to talk to anyone without caring what they think. Is this part of ADHD? Does anyone else feel the same way?", "Always the quietest person in a group. Im a uni student and group settings still feel intimidating and I usually end up not getting a word out. Sometimes even saying ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ is difficult for me. \n\nI want to fix this but I don’t know what my problem is. Am I shy, socially inept, awkward, boring, or just socially underdeveloped?\n\nSince around 10 years old I’ve been this way, barely speaking to people at school or in social setting. When I say barely, I mean like not even saying a word until I get home. Ever since I haven’t had any close friends and would spend most of my time at home. I’m used to being alone, but I want to have relationships with others. \n\nI thought before that I just needed a fresh start, but every time I’m given that chance it ends up the same. People don’t really get close to me because I don’t have a lot to offer. I’m not outgoing, no funny stories, or no real life experiences to talk about. \n\nLoneliness is depressing, but it has become my normal. To a point where I’ve just accepted that it might be like this forever.\n\nSo if anyone can share their experience, and maybe it’ll help me find a way out of this funk.", "So true. All-too-often I see the classic, “I am socially anxious because I’m an INTJ” and people refuse to try to grow beyond this and become more comfortable with people.", "The only social gatherings I attend is any birthdays or dinners within my immediate family. If I can sit somewhere in the outlines of the others and just disappear into my head or listen to them talk/observe - I'm content. Funny how I was more comfortable with 1-2 people before, but now I find it best if there's a little crowd. Less chance of me being talked to. \nI go because they're family and I do believe I care about them on some level. Also opting out - as I do sometimes if I'm too exhausted to go - tends to make me feel like an actual spawn of satan.", "yes i think it makes me feel and appear socially disinterested/inept/non-aptitude-driven because i'm simply emotionally overwhelmed or dissociated, i can't work through my trauma with anyone and i don't have anyone to do that with, and i have failed to open up to therapists beyond cordial conversation because i just can't. open up to a stranger you or your healthcare is paying for is quite a weird thing, to me personally.\n\nin reality i want to be social and loving and open and (being trans and visibly so makes it harder because of how i feel i look when expressing myself but whatever) can't because of the avoidance and anxieties" ], "top_scores": [ 16.15812110900879, 15.659950256347656, 15.602416038513184, 15.512452125549316, 15.445959091186523 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of social inhibition, anxiety, and the perceived inability to navigate interpersonal interactions.", "pearson_r": 0.17749259592295702, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6474, "freq": 0.13394136511474514, "mean_pos": 5.207235336303711, "max_act": 20.091503143310547, "log_density": -0.873085275856239, "top_texts": [ "I think you've got this the wrong way around. As PP said, trauma isn't **what** happened to you, it's what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you. So the fact you haven't left your house in a year would suggest that your trauma is pretty severe. Note that I don't even know what your specific \"event/s\" are or were, because in a way that's irrelevant. What matters is how it has affected you, and it sounds like the effect has been pretty big for you.", "Not getting over it. Long time lurker here - I've been wanting to get this off of my chest for a while.\n\nI'll try to make this short and sweet - sometimes I feel bad for not wanting to get over my trauma. As fucked as that sounds, sometimes I just don't want to get over it at all. I'm terrified of doing so. But I'm scared that if I do, I'll lose all sense of myself.\n\nWho will I be without this? I don't even want to find out. I don't even want to know. \n\nIt feels so cruel to want. I don't want to get over it all the time because I'm just scared of who I'll be afterwards. My trauma made me into who I am today. I still have constant nightmares, I still have flashbacks. My heart races at certain mentions, and I cry whenever I hear certain names. \n\nI want to get better at managing my symptoms, but I don't want to completely grow past my trauma...", "It kind of is when you have a trauma history like I do", "DAE look back at their trauma and feel like it didn’t even happen to them? Like you look back and your mind kind of tells you that it couldn’t have happened to you and that it feels like it happened to someone else?", "Trauma means \"Wound\". It is not *what* happened, but how it affected you. If these things left you emotionally wounded on an ongoing basis, then yes, they are trauma. Forget about Criterion A and the stupid DSM. You don't need to meet a checklist for pain and don't need to fit into a diagnostic box to have valid suffering." ], "top_scores": [ 20.091503143310547, 19.700828552246094, 19.4246826171875, 19.04925537109375, 18.191608428955078 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the conceptualization and subjective experience of trauma.", "pearson_r": 0.7358135420250507, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4200, "freq": 0.09220551777469466, "mean_pos": 7.341702938079834, "max_act": 21.169095993041992, "log_density": -1.0352430843512697, "top_texts": [ "Therapy advice Hi, first off, sorry for my bad English\n\nI've started therapy for adhd a few weeks ago but have no idea how to exploit it. This is new so I still don't have medication. My therapist has not been really helpful, he only gave me advices like getting a diary, putting things in the same place everytime, useless things. Then he told me he wasn't here to give me advice, but to accompany me to try to find solutions that suited me by myself. But I've been doing this without him my whole life and I'm still struggling. So how is it supposed to help to do the same things, only this time I'm telling it to someone who just nod and write stuff down?? \nEventually he said he wanted us to see each other less often since I seem to not know what I expect from therapy. It kind of upset me because I'm lost and I thought therapy would help me understand and finding solutions, but instead I got more questions and more stress. \n\nAnyway, my question is, what do you do in therapy and how you therapist is helping you?? \n\nTL;DR: I'm bad at therapy and I don't know how it is supposed to help me", "Therapy What does therapy really do? What do they do to help? Is it really as helpful as people say it is?", "Can I ask; with your therapy, is it just you working with a therapist, or are you doing that and group therapy too?", "Does anyone do therapy? For those in Therapy, what made you finally decide to go that route?", "Yess, therapy is great help!! You’re taking a step in the right direction. :)" ], "top_scores": [ 21.169095993041992, 20.399682998657227, 20.395429611206055, 20.01447868347168, 19.890291213989258 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the inquiry into, navigation of, and personal experience with professional psychotherapy.", "pearson_r": 0.8395723572035407, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5947, "freq": 0.10607955966975231, "mean_pos": 6.295101165771484, "max_act": 19.018043518066406, "log_density": -0.9743682875733274, "top_texts": [ "Too depressed to work, finding it more and more difficult to force myself to keep going. Want to take a break from working. Hello. I've been under a heavy depressive spell for about a year and a half now, and work has been hell because of it. I have continued to force myself to go, but days off make it so clear to me that my mind and heart are so much calmer and more at peace when I'm not in the stressful working environment. I know my performance at work is poor, I've been told as much as well. I can only put forth the bare minimum effort to show up and do my basic job requirements. Other employees I've worked with always ask if I'm alright, if there's anything I want to talk about, and in one case, one was offended and thought that I was personally angry with her over something because of my sour demeanor (I'm not, which I explained. She didn't seem to believe it.)\n\nThe depression doesn't go away on my days off, of course. But I have more time to quietly reflect on it, more time to allow myself pleasant distractions to make the pain seem more distant. For the first time in almost 5 months I have had multiple days off in a row these past few days, and it was so good. I've never been unemployed for long, a few days at most between a job ending and starting, but I yearn to \"take a break\" from working altogether. \n\nThe problem is...I'm an adult who lives by myself. I do not have the luxury of taking a break from working, lest I become homeless. Last year during the fall I hesitantly tried to ask to my parents that perhaps I needed a break from life, and wanted to move back in with them for a short while. While sympathetic, they firmly replied \"no\". \n\nSo I've stuck it out since then, struggling through the days. I so badly want to just quit my job, but I know that I realistically can't. I truly wish I could just run away from it all, go somewhere I didn't have to work 60 hours a week. Somewhere I had the time to allow myself time to heal instead of reopening the wounds every time I go into work, because I can never find peace there. \n\nI do have some money saved up, and could somewhat reasonably be unemployed for several months and still be alright...but I know that just randomly quitting your job isn't a wise career move. I don't know what to do. I feel numb just thinking about going back to work.", "I believe my previous schooling and jobs have given me PTSD and now I refuse to ever work again. Death, prison, mutilation, homelessness all sound better than the dread of work and the related triggers. For those who have had PTSD due to work, what help did you seek? I basically obsess over and over about the job culture, how much I hate America, and how much I wish to just remove my existence completely.\n\nI will wake up at 3 am typing out emails to blank addresses, thinking I need to appease a boss. I will do anything for them. Most of the emails are gibberish.\n\nI live with my parents and constantly try to drown out this sensation of dread from working through video games, food, or porn.\n\nI want out of this hell but I am constantly entrapped. Constantly swarming around with vultures that pick and chew through even the best things.\n\nThis society is addicted, almost everything in the heart of its function is a massive addiction.\n\n\"For-profit\" seems to be one of the most counter intuitive actions, going for quarterly dick measuring instead actually performance and balance.\n\nI cannot stand this game. I will not play. I will choose death over playing the game.\n\nAnyone ever been in a same position with the monsters constantly clawing at their limited time without a voice or ability to change anything?\n", "How the hell do you cope when working makes you depressed? Working of course isn't the only thing that leaves me feeling so depressed all the time, but it's one of the biggest factors. I only work 26 hours a week, but have to work 6 days a week to get those hours. Which I absolutely need. \n\nIt's the obligation of going, the stress and anxiety leading up to my shifts, and while I'm there. It's so hard not to feel like my whole life revolves around a job I hate and that couldn't care less about me. I wake up and feel like my whole morning revolves around preparing myself to go in. I come home, and dont want to to anything but relax, and prepare for the next day, but I obviously have to shop, cook, clean, shower. And whatever else needs to be done that day. I know I lay in bed for hours some days, but I still feel like I never have time to relax. I'm always mentally preparing, and stressing about the next shift, or all the house work and errands I need to get done. \n\nSome days i handle it better than others. I tell myself it's only a few hours of my day, but I feel like it never lasts long. Sometimes, for weeks, I wake up to the sound of my alarm and as fast as my eye open, I start crying. Some days I cry all the way up until the drive to work. Sometimes, especially recently I cry AT work on cigarette breaks about all the stress I'm dealing with outside of work. \n\nI just want my freedom. I want to take mental health days and sleep in, and do nothing all day. I want a break.\n\nHow the hell am I supposed to cope with something that is neccessary to my survival. Does anyone else feel this way? \n\nI have an hour til I go start my shift and I'm wondering what would happen if I just shut off my phone and went to sleep. My one day off is Monday and it seems so far away. I feel like I enjoy Sunday night more than my actual day off because I dont have to stress about working the next day. But it's so short lived. \n\nI'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this post. Maybe I just want to vent. Idk. All I know is I'm just sad. I'm just tired. ", "I've done this before as well, I couldn't take it. I ended up crying at the workplace once, luckily nobody saw me. I cannot do normal jobs. I felt safer with jobs with family members, and ones that had no other people there. I've tried to put the effort into jobs with more people, but as you've said, it just raises anxiety levels more and more, and I just have to quit.", "I'm scared of going back to work because I had been out of work for crying a lot Hi, I've been diagnosed with depression since I was around 16 years old. I take antidepressants every day but when the darker seasons come around it always gets worse. \n\nI'm somewhat of an intern in a hospital and I work with lots of old people. \nHowever my colleagues have accused me of being too nervous even when I was already working there for a month. I don't connect well with them because I usually don't know what to talk about / don't feel like saying much... \n\nNow in November I started feeling uncomfortable and I even cried at work but I honestly have no idea why.\nI love working with the patients, they are all sweet and grateful people who appreciate the help I can offer them. I love being able to work and feel like I have a purpose. \nI just don't get along well with my colleagues. I've tried my best, I'm always polite and nice to them but somehow it doesn't work. \n\nMaybe this is the problem. That I feel uncomfortable and like they all don't like me.\n\nAnyway what I actually wanted to ask is how do I prevent myself from crying at work? I don't even want to cry!\n\nThank you all for your ideas in advance!" ], "top_scores": [ 19.018043518066406, 18.528635025024414, 17.9691219329834, 17.96192741394043, 17.58454704284668 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological distress and functional impairment associated with maintaining employment while experiencing mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.6857184482058142, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 378, "freq": 0.0950258148156572, "mean_pos": 6.735332489013672, "max_act": 19.67611312866211, "log_density": -1.0221583932037612, "top_texts": [ "Of course. Diagnosis can be a difficult thing for some people, so I'm glad I could help in some way.", "In their defense, I feel like a diagnosis can be extremely validating. It's not the most important thing of course. It's the traits that are causing issues that are. But I get the desire", "Diagnosis won’t give you any real awareness, it’s for the mental health people. Real awareness comes through doing the hard work in therapy", "How did I go about getting my diagnosis or why did I seek a diagnosis?", "Yeah that makes sense. I guess for me, it felt like a confirmation of my flaws. If I’m not diagnosed, I’m able to deny those negative parts of myself so I don’t have to confront it, but if I’m diagnosed, it kind of makes it official that I’m a piece of shit and I can’t argue against it anymore. I suppose it’s a bit of a wake up call that I need to put more care and effort into changing." ], "top_scores": [ 19.67611312866211, 19.56291961669922, 19.4698486328125, 19.37970542907715, 19.353504180908203 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective evaluation and emotional significance of receiving a formal mental health diagnosis.", "pearson_r": 0.6251611502242729, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3642, "freq": 0.1535242340846544, "mean_pos": 4.1461663246154785, "max_act": 12.560754776000977, "log_density": -0.8138230577584716, "top_texts": [ "Well it's possible you have BPD traits, even if you don't meet the criteria or it's not strong enough to be considered its own thing in your case.", "I think I’m depressed I’m not very sure if I am, because I’ve never talked to someone about it. When I search up symptoms for depression, I have a majority of them.", "I don’t have BPD, but I think I have some symptoms or traits of it. I don’t think I necessarily have the disorder.", "My parents don't believe in mental health and the school \"counsellor/therapist\" is a complete bullshitter. How do I know if i'm depressed? I feel like every day is monotone as fuck, i get sad when there is no reason to be, i feel guilt all of a sudden, i have been isolating myself from people, i havent been out to hang with friends for 6 weeks, when i try to be productive my mind says \"you can never do it\" and \"this is unlike you\" so i quit and feel bad, i haven't been in love for months, i get random panic attacks, cry at midnight while sleeping, i have toxic friends, i very oftenly think the \"friends\" i have don't want me (they say it a lot and say \"its a joke\" and \"i should learn how to take jokes\" and i do not want to live like this, or at all sometimes. \n\nSo am i depressed?", "My advice is to talk to a doctor or therapist first. Find a specialist. They will be able to help you figure out if it is BPD or not. To me, it sounds really possible, but I'm not a specialist (yet! I'm currently in school for psychology.)" ], "top_scores": [ 12.560754776000977, 12.507279396057129, 12.472908020019531, 12.389490127563477, 12.385478973388672 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process of self-assessing or questioning the presence of specific mental health symptoms or disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.5971861242355696, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8813, "freq": 0.15436577433074805, "mean_pos": 4.093553066253662, "max_act": 14.549652099609375, "log_density": -0.8114489814134515, "top_texts": [ "I did observational exercises that can help alittle with this, if someone pisses you off and it puts you in a mood where you are going to lash out at someone look around the room or wherever you are and try to find something that is good or that isn’t all bad to you. You can be having a splitting episode and this can help snap you out of seeing everything as all bad.\n\nThe best thing I’ve done was to wait to address people until after I’ve calmed down. I’ve actually gone mute with anger like so mad that if I opened my mouth I would have just exploded so I just didn’t say a word and went back to it sometimes the next day when I had time to thing about it. \n\nI used to get rage attacks that were so bad that the only thing that would help was I had to smash something, if I don’t it would just build in strength until I exploded. It was bad and expensive. You can work through that too. Like anything else you’ll get better with practice and sooner or later it will be a habit", "That’s the thing most people don’t get, I’m the same way people think I’m flat or I don’t have emotions but I do and when I have them I have no ability to rationalize or control them in anyway. The only thing I’ve found that works is when I get like that I just leave the situation go mute so I don’t speak and don’t address this situation until I’ve cooled down. This was incredibly hard because urge to smash something is overwhelming but the more I’ve done it and the more it’s worked for me the more natural it gets.", "I rarely express aggression, especially in public, as I'd like to keep my calm, cool and collected face on at all times, however when something I've really hoped to go my way doesn't, I'd lose control. Literally. With risk of sounding like a complete edgelord, the crave for destruction is my downfall and I do not know how to stop it unless I physically harm someone or break something. I am taking medication which does not help at all with these sudden outbursts, and when such a moment comes (it is inevitable) it's best for me, and for others, to NOT be around people. In order to prevent upcoming catastrophic events, anything that breathes should be away from me for some time. I'd lock myself in a tight space, get a book to read or simply do something, anything that would keep my mind busy with something else.", "This is something that could take a lot of work to get through honestly, I go through the same thing and the way I experience it is people piss me off so bad I want to do something bad to them but I have the self control to not do it but it doesn’t feel right and I end up ruminating on the thought that someone got away with something and I should have done something. It’s really a back and forth struggle an Internet conflict and it can be awful at times because acting on those impulses feels good but they lead to big problems.\n\nSome observational work I’ve been taught, if something pisses you off look for something In that moment that is nice or brings you back down. If things seem all bad realize that is a cognitive distortion that your disorder is creating. \n\nA big thing for me has been to remove myself from a situation until my emotions have gone back down and not react out of anger this is easier said than done but it can be done and the more you do it like anything else the better you will get at it", "I need to stop picking fights with my boyfriend. I was recently diagnosed with BPD at almost 30. My 20s were wild but my life is pretty together now. I have a good career, a nice apartment, financial stability and a sweet boyfriend of almost 2 years. \n\nI pick fights with my boyfriend all the time. It's the same cycle every time. I read too much into something and am convinced he doesn't love me enough. I pick a fight over something minor. I cry for an hour and sometimes self-harm or break things. We apologize and make up. I feel terrible about it for days.\n\nI'm pretty normal most of the time. I don't pick fights with friends or coworkers. But when I get upset with my boyfriend I feel like I'm possessed by a demon.\n\nMy boyfriend doesn't deserve this. He's a sweet guy who loves me and tries his best. My past relationships were pretty shitty (but not abusive shitty), so I feel like my \"blueprint\" is unhealthy. How do I fucking STOP this?" ], "top_scores": [ 14.549652099609375, 14.406010627746582, 14.405683517456055, 13.764236450195312, 13.688692092895508 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents the struggle with emotional dysregulation and the impulse to act out or lash out during moments of intense frustration.", "pearson_r": 0.6062633944582267, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5552, "freq": 0.1049195987900016, "mean_pos": 5.9591474533081055, "max_act": 18.13968849182129, "log_density": -0.9791433746707557, "top_texts": [ "I need some friends. Can someone help me get some friends? please and thank you.", "Friends flirting can be stressful if you’re worried about losing the friendships, especially if this happens in multiple friendships at once. Even if it’s awkward, having a conversation about these dynamic sifts and your boundaries in these situations is key. Good luck!", "I have a really tight knit friend group that I’ve maintained for years. I also have a best friend I’ve known for over a decade & still speak with friends from college. I’m also very close with my sisters-in-law.  I don’t hold others to my high standards very much and tend to think most people are better than me in every conceivable way, so I don’t pay attention to their flaws as much as their positive traits and how much they add to my life & how much I can contribute to theirs. They’ve all been there for me through my mental health journey and I am so grateful for them. I often still feel alone and burdensome, but they don’t make me feel that way. To be honest, it sounds like you judge other people very harshly. I can see why it would be hard to tolerate friendships with that perspective. Where do you think that comes from? How does it help you? And why do you want friends? If it is only to serve your whims, I doubt you would see the benefit in maintaining friendships long enough to establish long-term relationships. Friendship is not just about happiness, but about adding richness and complexity to one’s life that can be challenging but ultimately worth it because of the growth that occurs when you allow yourself to be vulnerable with others and changed by them. But if you aren’t interested in change, or growth, or stepping out of your comfort zone, friendships won’t last. ", "Narcissistic Friends I am not sure if this is even the right place for this but I just need to vent. \n\n-Heres some background: i am 16, have OCD, depression, anxiety etc. (you’ve heard it all before.)\n- Ive always sort of been a empathetic, sensitive , but extremely neurotic kid. \n-I have had the same group of friends since like kindergarten\n\nAs a younger kid i never really knew how to stick up for myself. Bullies, teasing, all that. And all my friends would beat me up despite the fact i was the biggest physically (knew i wouldnt fight back because i was too scared), they would make fun of me, they knew i would get mad easily so I always was the one to beat up on essentially. \n\nI had trouble making friends so i never really told them to stop or to fuck off, and i just kept putting up with it because i guess i thought thats how friendships went. \n\nIn middle school we continued having our friend group. Every time i tried to make new friends in middle school outside of the group they would rip me to shreds. Make me feel like a piece of shit, Guilt me into staying with them, and i always just felt bad for them. They know im a sensitive guy so they always knew how to get me to feel guilty. They would say all sorts of things about my character or just plain ole mean stuff when i tried to make new friends.\n\nThe bullying, manipulating, and just general shitty behavior continued, and i just sort of got immersed in it. I stopped giving a shit about things i liked because they would make sure i acted in accordance with what they thought was ‘cool’. Stopped doing shit i loved like reading, video games, enjoying school and whatever else i did back then. I could never wear new clothes, get into a new hobby, or meet new people without receiving criticism. In 7th grade i Started smoking weed, getting into fights, doing stupid dumb shit to prove myself to them? Regardless i just started making stupid decisions. \n\nFast forward to highschool and i have just fucking collapsed mentally. I have no sense of self. I hate myself so much. I have no clue how to tell my friends i cant deal with their shit anymore. I feel like if i tell them im done things will get better but i really dont know. It scares me to think being entirely friendless. I dont even knkw how to relate to other people anymore without expecting them to be mean to me. I sometimes even get bored with conversations or attempts at making new friends without some sort of regular conflict. Im miserable all the time, and my OCD just is the icing on the cake for what they tell me. I dont know if im the victim or the aggressor, i dont know if im the reason people are mean because i deserve it, i dont know if im capable of making good friends. I just cant stand myself anymore. I feel nothing anymore, i just feel like a shell of myself. \n", "I lost all my friends I lost all my friends a couple months ago basically by shutting them out. I don’t know how to make new friends and I don’t know how or even if I want to be friends with my old friends again. I know that having no one is making me worse but I don’t know what to do." ], "top_scores": [ 18.13968849182129, 17.82794189453125, 17.33156394958496, 17.237253189086914, 17.061885833740234 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of social connection, friendship dynamics, and the challenges of maintaining or forming interpersonal relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.4974231060190559, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7933, "freq": 0.1327131712420679, "mean_pos": 4.636764049530029, "max_act": 15.912090301513672, "log_density": -0.8770859697645116, "top_texts": [ "Awe! We are always most critical of ourselves! I’m sure you are beautiful in one way or another! <3", "How do I see myself in a better light? It seems to me that a lot of my problems come from my low opinion of myself. I don't think much of myself, so I don't act like I deserve a good life or good relationships.\n\nThen the solution is to think more highly of myself. But how do I do this? Do I list positive things about myself? Even if I do that, I can't get rid of this awful feeling that there's something deeply off-putting about me that I have trouble putting into words.\n\nActually, if I try to put it into words, the off-putting qualities include: childish, indecisive, no discipline, oversensitive, unexciting, unambitious, thoughtless, oblivious, awkward, afraid. So, I do know my negative qualities well. Then...how do I accept that I have those qualities? Can I change them or not? How do I love myself despite being the way I am?", "How to cope with self loathing? Throughout my day I judge myself and what I say, it's quite exhausting really. If I speak I often think afterwards that I shoulfld of kept quiet because it made me look stupid or something like that. \n\nAre there coping strategies to try or ways to stop myself from doing so?", "How to cope with self loathing? Throughout my day I judge myself and what I say, it's quite exhausting really. If I speak I often think afterwards that I shoulfld of kept quiet because it made me look stupid or something like that. \n\nAre there coping strategies to try or ways to stop myself from doing so?", "\"Please List 3 Things You Love About Yourself\" and I can't think of anything. I've sat here for 30 minutes and the only thing I've learned from this is just how deep my sense of self-loathing goes. \n\n\nThis realization is hitting me like a brick. \n\nI don't love anything about myself.\n\nI don't know how to fix it. " ], "top_scores": [ 15.912090301513672, 15.727945327758789, 15.548551559448242, 15.516529083251953, 15.360868453979492 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the construct of self-loathing and the struggle to cultivate self-worth.", "pearson_r": 0.6380311016306087, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7168, "freq": 0.09955193667978257, "mean_pos": 6.1615777015686035, "max_act": 19.16358757019043, "log_density": -1.0019502824427242, "top_texts": [ "So basically anxiety just makes my narcissism worse since I’m so focused on myself and how I appear to other people.", "Has anyone else tried exercising regularly to help with anxiety? It’s been quite a while since I exercised regularly, haven’t really done it since my anxiety started. I’ve been riding my bike every day for the last week or so and have noticed that it’s helped quite a bit. Haven’t had any panic attacks. Some very mild anxiety yesterday that passed within an hour or so, but that’s been about it.", "I never had a chance warning rant and language Well fuck you anxiety. Because of you I never had a chance with a woman that I really liked and couldn’t stop thinking about. Because of you I now know I will be forever alone. Fuck you anxiety I hate you and would rather be dead than have you around. Fuck off anxiety no one likes you", "Anxiety is an inbuilt mechanism designed to keep you on your toes around dangerous environment, it's what saved our ancestors from getting assaulted by predators in the forest. When this intrusive thoughts shows up you are basically feeling like you are in the forest hearing noises that can be potentially dangerous but you are not in any danger, so you have to start dissecting the feelings from the fact, you are in your room and there is nothing to be afraid of. Start with this, don't rationalize, just explore the feelings after the anxiety has dialed down, you can submerge your face in cold water for few seconds if you wanna reach homeostasis faster.", "I have really bad anxiety and I don't know how to talk to anyone about it I have had bad anxiety for about the past year and I don't really know where it stems from. But it's really been taking a toll on my relationship with my girlfriend and my everyday life in how I deal with studying and school and stuff. I get terrible anxiety just before a test and it just sucks so much. \n\nHow do I go talk to my parents about it so I can maybe get a medication to help me deal with it? Every time I try to bring it up, I feel embarrassed and don't say anything. What can I do to help this situation?" ], "top_scores": [ 19.16358757019043, 18.25115203857422, 18.0952091217041, 17.956789016723633, 17.417797088623047 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and personal impact of anxiety.", "pearson_r": 0.3307976709726743, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5338, "freq": 0.10867241340095982, "mean_pos": 5.609570503234863, "max_act": 19.65327262878418, "log_density": -0.9638806840081072, "top_texts": [ "Psychiatrist or psychologist? I am having a really difficult time making an appointment with a clinical psychologist in my area. I am calling every number on the list of doctors that are in network with my insurance that are in reasonable distance from my house. I’ve had the phone calls lead directly to voicemail (I’ve left a few stating I need to schedule an appointment but I’m not sure it’s likely they’ll return my phone call...) or receptionists answer the phone informing me there are no more slots available because the clinician I’m seeking for is too booked with clients.l\n\n I am almost too desperate at this point for help because my mental health continues deteriorating each day. I’ve finally got the courage to make the phone calls but the hurdle now is I can’t seem to get a hold of anyone. My question is...should I try and seek out a psychiatrist (I feel it may be easier to book appointments with) even though I am very against taking anti-depressants? I really don’t want to be on meds. I just need someone professional to talk to and figure out treatments holistically.", "My doctor does. Haven’t seen a psychiatrist in like 10 years.", "Really getting sick of my Psychiatrist I'm in Southern New England, and my psychiatrist of 3 years is a really sweet, genuine person. But she's clearly overworked. She runs her practice entirely on her own, and as her patient base has grown in the past few years she's become much harder to get a hold of and sit in front of. I've been working with her since last June to reconfigure my medication regime, and since the holidays I haven't been able to sit in front of her and give her my feedback. I'm now out of medication entirely, and I want desperately to switch my prescriber but I'm unsure of where to turn. Any suggestions?\n\nThank you all so much~", "Seeing a psychiatrist So I’ve made an appointment to see a GP and get a referral hopefully for a psychiatrist. I’ve never seen one before, nor had to speak to a regular practitioner about my mental health. I’m nervous, and anxious. I’ve seen other people express the sentiment that they worry they’re just making all of this up, that their depression isn’t real and they’re just being dramatic or what have you. That’s where my head is at now but I’m trying to ignore that and acknowledge that I feel like I need help more so I won’t back out of the appointment. I’ve been to therapy before, but I haven’t had any time in my life to see them regularly lately which has been hard. After seeing them too I still just feel lost about myself and what feels wrong. This community has always seemed very supportive, and I feel pretty alone in this right now and any support or advice for speaking about how I feel to a doctor would mean a lot to me.", "So, i have an appointment today with my psychiatrist, and i told her that i'm seeing psycholog the day after our previous appointment (because i have an urgent condition and the insurance only cover once a week appointment), and i kind of get the feels that she dislike me for seeing a psycholog... (idk, this is just my feeling, but based on her body gesture made me think that)" ], "top_scores": [ 19.65327262878418, 18.178661346435547, 17.699071884155273, 17.588693618774414, 17.376815795898438 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the logistical and interpersonal challenges of navigating psychiatric care and professional mental health appointments.", "pearson_r": 0.7822419312619275, "pred_f1": 0.8695652173913043 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7943, "freq": 0.09807355516637478, "mean_pos": 6.162930011749268, "max_act": 16.288450241088867, "log_density": -1.008448076811395, "top_texts": [ "The other one, well, she was not mentally stable and her, well I hope she's ok, but I honestly don't know.", "I wonder how she's not in politics with the amount of mind games, manipulation, gaslighting, and playing sides. She would do well as a lobbyist.", "I think that if she recovered from her insecurities she could've become a decent person.", "She needs to get some serious treatment for whatever is wrong with her brain. I mean a childhood like that really does affect people severely and it’s sad but she’s acting like a little girl. It’s not cute. It’s actually quite depressing and sad and why is she so jealous of the new girl ! So strange when the housewives act like that to new girls and they don’t realize how easy it is to see through them. She says I’m the teacher and you are the student. What can anybody learn from her? She is not as smart as she thinks she is… she’s not a good manipulator. Everyone sees right through it! I get it when you have nothing going on in your life. You try to find something to be good at that. She needs to keep looking.", "Her expecting that made me not trust her even more. She is hiding something and delusional. Her comparing Jax and Jesse, she does not perceive life correctly." ], "top_scores": [ 16.288450241088867, 16.12628936767578, 16.090200424194336, 15.865799903869629, 15.862371444702148 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies critical or pathologizing assessments of a third party's mental state, behavior, or character.", "pearson_r": 0.005026522042974234, "pred_f1": 0.25 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6293, "freq": 0.11997634589578547, "mean_pos": 4.78187370300293, "max_act": 20.357370376586914, "log_density": -0.9209043658287654, "top_texts": [ "I'm avoiding everything I set a plan to finish things and can't. It takes me ages to do tasks that can be done with a little focus.", "Why do we take overwhelming large time to complete anything? For example say I have to make a ppt which is due 5days later. I will be so hopeful that i have enough time to prepare the best ppt in the world. Everyday i sit with it, from morn to night and to my surprize i wont get 1 slide done. I dunno how this happens. End of the day, result is zero. Then as usual, last moment i hurry nd complete and its of such low quality.\n\nThis happens with everything, Everytime. Exam preps, presentations, everything. What are the possible causes and what are the possible ways you tackle it? ", "Tips on starting a task?? I struggle a lot with sitting down at my desk and starting a task. When I’m in the “flow” of the task I can focus relatively easily, but the mental effort it takes for me to actually sit down and get into that “flow” is sometimes too much for me to handle, and I end up procrastinating. \n\nRecently, I have not gotten any of my assignments done because of this, and I’m falling behind a lot in school. I know this is a bad habit, and I really, really, want to get my assignments done with, but I always I end up scrolling through Reddit or on YouTube watching things I don’t even want to watch, just to temporarily forget about deadlines and my impending doom.\n\nI really need help. Please give me tips. Thank you.", "I want to change but I don’t have the stamina/resilience I’ve made a couple of posts on this sub before, I tend to use it as an opportunity to vent everything that I’m feeling which I’ve found cathartic in the past. At the moment my mood’s been better than it has been for a long time. However there’s still areas in my life which I think can be improved. The main one I’m trying to tackle is procrastination. \n\nI’ve probably read my weight in self help books and I think I’ve identified the reason I procrastinate. The problem is actually just sitting down and doing the thing. Whether it’s applying for jobs, finishing my project or exercising regularly, I just don’t have the physical or mental stamina to do any of these things let alone balance all the tasks that need to be done. I’ve tried eating more and healthier, improving my sleep pattern and practicing mindfulness meditation but I can’t seem to knock it on the head and it’s becoming pretty frustrating.\n\nI don’t want to be someone who wastes their life behind a computer screen. I want to be organised and productive, working constantly on important tasks I just can’t seem to muster up the energy or the drive to be that person. Any advice would be really helpful", "I just can't do it!!! I am trying to get my assignments done but it just seems like there is an invisible force-field around it. Every time I start making a dent in it I just get deflected sideways into a pit of time-wasting.\n\nI barely got through my Masters and now my PhD will go down the drain if I don't get it together! Its pathetic. There are people with multiple jobs and such that get high grades, and here I am blessed with time and all the tools needed but unable to do it. I want to really bad! I love learning new things! So why?\n\nSorry for the rant." ], "top_scores": [ 20.357370376586914, 20.276968002319336, 19.55974769592285, 18.72821044921875, 18.42144203186035 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of executive dysfunction, specifically task initiation paralysis and procrastination.", "pearson_r": 0.8978055105659664, "pred_f1": 0.9523809523809523 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3145, "freq": 0.13710282712034025, "mean_pos": 4.18263053894043, "max_act": 15.885784149169922, "log_density": -0.8629535866080805, "top_texts": [ "We still have up until December on this lease together. I sponsor him in this country because he cannot stay on his own. We also work together. Today he was crying and begging me not to leave him (which I already had done) etc. I told him he needs mental health care - not for the first time - and that I can't trust him after what happened on the stairs because he crossed an even worse line than he has before with verbal abuse.", "Every time I tell him to leave he threatens to harm my pets or take them and release them to the wild (I have ferrets.... they CANNOT survive in the wild where I live) or he goes into rants about how useless I am and how I couldn't survive without him and somehow he worms his way back in for fear he might be right. TLDR; need him out. He threatens animals. **REALLY** don't wanna involve police. What do I do?", "He laid me down and went to take off his clothes, then I sprung up, ran to the bathroom, grabbed the key(only one we have), ran to the guest room and locked myself in there. Finally safe. No pillow or comforter though, just a thin blanket and some clean laundry. No matter, I couldn't fall asleep anyways. Around 6am I crept outside, took a shower, gathered most of his stuff I could find and left him a note saying I took his key, and when I'd be back at 8pm he should be gone and anything that he leaves behind goes to the bin.", "He got off of me, and went into the other room. I laid on his couch trying to breathe while crying. Eventually I got up and started heading towards the door. T started putting his shoes on and said why don’t we go for a little walk. I told him to stay the fuck away from me and I ran out of his door and down the street.", "It's not clear how long he's staying, he's been here for the last couple of days but no set time period. He isn't working atm which is why he's quite depressed. I don't think I could defend myself against him, he's twice my size and has done physical trade work all his life. Staying in my room is the only thing I feel like I can do atm. Leaving the house might be dangerous for him, I don't know if he's suicidal or not so I want to be around in case." ], "top_scores": [ 15.885784149169922, 13.892251014709473, 13.846080780029297, 13.727612495422363, 13.662017822265625 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents experiences of being trapped in an abusive or coercive interpersonal relationship involving fear and physical intimidation.", "pearson_r": 0.5768448190868776, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4059, "freq": 0.1159278549821457, "mean_pos": 4.839147567749023, "max_act": 16.30117416381836, "log_density": -0.9358121960833741, "top_texts": [ "Just moved into a new place with a really nice dude. Unfortunately my brain has jumped straight to fear. I'm scared he'll attack me, I'm scared he has cameras in the house etc.", "I feel a bit of fear and can recognize danger. It isn't “cowering in a corner” fear, but it's “hey, pay attention someone is following you” fear", "Oh, I see what you mean now :( yeah, it is scary. I’ve found myself fearing this same thought for most of my life, using wooden trinkets and even praying, and I’m not even religious 😅 but yeah… thank you for your replies :(", "Scared of losing my partner, job, and like you, terrified of pure psychosis if I truly lost my marbles, so I take my meds to avoid that from ever happening.", "So I have a \"fear that the information will be used maliciously against me,\" but it doesn't make me reluctant to say the things I'm scared will be used against me later 🙃" ], "top_scores": [ 16.30117416381836, 15.517483711242676, 15.447025299072266, 14.6370210647583, 14.407353401184082 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of hypervigilant or intrusive paranoid ideation.", "pearson_r": 0.5340709356285432, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3784, "freq": 0.11426751882093389, "mean_pos": 4.513503074645996, "max_act": 20.778793334960938, "log_density": -0.9420771988885084, "top_texts": [ "What in the fuck do you do when all of your interests cease to interest you? Playing music, going for a run, lifting weights, video games, reading, Netflix, Hulu, drawing, it's all so boring and pointless.\n\nI work 6 days a week and spend my one day off a week searching for something to keep me entertained, to get that feeling of excitement again when doing something I love. Any advice?", "What are hobbies or activities that make you feel good? I don't have much to do or that I'm interested in. I feel so boring and uninteresting, I never have to wonder why nobody wants to talk to me. \n\nAnyway, I just feel really badly about myself so I thought maybe doing something would make me feel better.", "What to do against boredom? I am bored to death the last couple of months and because of the negative symptoms I can't do much. I wanted to know from you guys: what do you do against boredom? What activities?\n\nThanks in advance!", "Hobbies and activities? What are some hobbies and activities that you guys find help with overwhelming boredom?\n\nI usually just work, but because of surgery on my hand I'm out for 2 weeks to a month and I can't find anything to really do.\n", "-stimulating conversation\n-reading\n-walking/hiking\n-traveling \n-spending time with those that mean so much to me. \n-arts/crafts. \n-giving/sharing\n-PEOPLE!!! \n-music/singing \n-being funny/laughing" ], "top_scores": [ 20.778793334960938, 19.422386169433594, 18.75701141357422, 18.170881271362305, 18.149385452270508 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of anhedonia and the struggle to find meaning or engagement in daily activities.", "pearson_r": -0.03730011224357455, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5709, "freq": 0.12466167807673938, "mean_pos": 4.103344440460205, "max_act": 16.149473190307617, "log_density": -0.9042670278623447, "top_texts": [ "Well apparently I was diagnosed at 13 but my mother didn't tell me until I couldn't function as a person anymore and sought treatment for the first time in my 31 years. So I would say it's been a roller coaster. The more I learn the more livid I become. I've been completely transparent on my social media about everything though.", "I haven’t been open about it to anyone except my best friend, who suspects she may have ASPD. It’s my own personal preference to remain secretive to everyone (including family and my partner) because I know the stigma would cause too many problems for my life. It’s ultimately up to you who you decide to tell and why though. Just consider whether the benefit of transparency outweighs the potential (very real) negative consequences of stigma.", "So far I haven’t regretted telling anyone. So far, only my mom knows, and my partner knows. Both of them are very understanding about it. With my partner knowing, it helps her understand some of my internal experiences, and it allows me to be completely open and honest with her so we can maintain good communication and trust. Honesty has been vital in helping my relationship with her remain healthy and positive.", "I told my partner when we were starting to hang more together and she started to stay over. Some of us have strong traits that can't be hidden. So whenever you feel it is right should be the right time, and don't forget that you're much more than your condition.", "Tell people, people you trust first. Not everybody will respond as positively but I think that's a risk you need to take because staying silent doesn't help anyone. Drop the act. Drop the mask." ], "top_scores": [ 16.149473190307617, 15.521964073181152, 15.290127754211426, 14.7123384475708, 14.588899612426758 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the decision-making process and personal experience regarding disclosing a mental health diagnosis to others.", "pearson_r": 0.42523091226591947, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3991, "freq": 0.11326676825801169, "mean_pos": 4.37558126449585, "max_act": 18.158567428588867, "log_density": -0.9458974868243503, "top_texts": [ "Well I actually just stopped going and nobody asked. So it was very easy to walk away from Mormonism. To get all the brainwashing out of my head...that's an entirely different story.", "I want to stop my medication without seeing a doctor. Advice? I know the title is loaded and I can already hear the lectures, but hear me out first. If enough people say I should see my prescriber first, then that's what I'll do. But as of right now I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so I turned to Reddit.\n\nI made a post (now deleted) here several months ago asking about what to expect when going on depression/anxiety medication. I was in a very, very dark place. I thought about self harm almost daily. I didn't have a suicide plan, but I definitely idealized it. Since then, I've had so many life changes ...the end of 2019 was a whirlwind. But most of these changes were positive and they helped me climb slowly out of the hole. I feel like living proof that it does get better. I didn't want to believe it, but I just had to hold out. \n\nCurrently, I'm on 20 mg of Prozac. I've had it for about four months. I used to take it daily, and recently I've been taking it every other day. I feel that my \"depression days\" have gone down significantly. I feel motivated and inspired and passionate again. It makes me emotion when I think of where I was all those months ago compared to now. But I'm starting to notice the small side effects of Prozac that I didn't see before:\n• Excuse my bluntness, but masterbation is now a near impossible chore whereas before it was fun. I feel disappointed I can't climax with my partner. It feels like touching a brick wall, the sensation is so dull it's barely there. \n• I feel foggy and unfocused, but not the way that I did before I started the medicine. Its like portions of my brain are inaccessible while on this medication. Sometimes I feel like a zombie, disconnected to my own body.\n• Remembering to take it is a hassle. This is a small one and more just complaining, but I honestly can't remember to feed myself sometimes so it's hard to remember when I take this dumb pill.\n• I occasionally have IBS like symptoms, and I've had these for years before starting the medication. But on the medication, when I do have them, they feel worse.\n•My anxiety hasn't changed. If anything, it's gotten a bit worse, as I had my second panic attack two nights ago. I do self medicate occasionally with marijuana, I find that it helps a lot. \n\nI was first prescribed this medication by my family doctor about a year ago. My mother hid the prescription and wouldn't let me take it. I was prescribed the same medication by someone in my University's counseling and psychological services center after an evaluation. In order to see this person, I have to be actively seeking counseling. I'm not currently seeing my therapist for three reasons: I don't have time, I'm seeking a new therapist (solely for a fresh start, not because I don't like my current one. She's seen me since 1st year and I'm now 4th year.), I don't feel I need to see her at the moment for anything other than general anxiety.\n\nI had an intake appointment scheduled (have to have one each and every semester, another reason I'm looking for an off-site therapist) but my therapist called out sick. The only reason I wanted the intake was to speak with my prescriber. I feel like this such a complicated way to go about something so simple. I just want to ween off of the medication because I know I can't stop cold turkey. \n\nI've also thought about contacting my family doctor to ask, but I'm currently out of state and I'm worried he would ask to see me in person as I haven't seen him in a year or so. \n\nDoes anyone have experience quitting Prozac or something like it? What was your process? I know every body is different, but if I could have a vague schedule to try, I'm willing to try it.\n\n(Also, if anyone just wants to talk, I'm open ears. I can tell you about my experiences more in depth, or just listen to what you have to say. I can't guarantee advice, but I want to be a friend. If you've got it real bad right now and you're lurking on my post, please know that I'm here for you. I support you. I believe in you. I appreciate you. You can and will get through this. Life is putting you through an endurance test, and you are much, much stronger than you think. I know you don't feel strong at the moment, but it's inside you. Take every day one step at a time. Find any reason to smile, whether it be a picture of a cat on Reddit, a funny sploch on your wall, a good memory, or maybe my words in this post. You can lean on me if you need to. )\n\nThanks in advance Reddit.", "I want to stop taking Adderall, so I have to worry about withdrawals? I think Adderall isn't really helping me in life right now, I started taking it for school, a couple months ago, left school because it wasn't for me, kept taking it and now I've been on it for 4 months almost... I've been having some problems and saw my doctor the other day, he said I should stop taking it. \n\nDo I have to worry about withdrawls? I have to work for the next couple of days, I want to stop asap, but might it be a better idea to wait for the weekend?", "Has anyone here successfully quit SSRIs after taking them for years? I’ve been taking Fluoxetine (Prozac) for many years now.\n\nI’m fed up with feeling tired all the time, always hungry, lethargic and basically, lacking emotion.\n\nOn Friday I went from 60mg per day to 40mg per day and I’m going to stay there for a while until I’ve spoke to my doctor. I know that just cutting out SSRIs without tapering can be problematic.\n\nAny advice or personal experiences will be much appreciated!", "I did have side effects when I stopped but I was also on it for over a year. The main thing was fullness and gas, not any n but lots of burping. It took about a week to be able to eat normally after stopping. I also went off cold turkey and didn’t taper." ], "top_scores": [ 18.158567428588867, 15.481874465942383, 15.214940071105957, 15.119324684143066, 15.03137493133545 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process of discontinuing or tapering off psychiatric medications and religious affiliations.", "pearson_r": 0.2535915646704868, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3018, "freq": 0.10023426660904769, "mean_pos": 4.793173313140869, "max_act": 16.80637550354004, "log_density": -0.9989837785756165, "top_texts": [ "Yes. That's why lonely people tend to isolate themselves. Solitude doesn't feel as lonely as being around a bunch of people whom never related to you and never will. ", "Anyone notice how the loneliness is killing your sense of time Not being around people to enjoy life with, it's like the days are the same and one ends and the next starts. There's really no sense of time or purpose in each day.", "I’m really lonely My family is never home and my friends never really contact me unless I do it to them first. It’s easy to notice how everyone seems to forget I exist until I try to make contact", "The loneliness is getting to me... When I was younger I was surrounded by friends. I had a steady boyfriend and thought I had the world ahead of me. Things changed. I grew up and moved on. I ended up in San Francisco.\n\nI met my best-friend, Doug, and worked on my career. Then I got sick. My friends disappeared, I lost my career, I stopped dating. I became isolated. Family is no help because they're a dysfunctional lot. \n\nIt's been years. January 2012 to now I've been alone and haven't been able to hold down a job or find a date. Doug calls me each day to check on me and try to make me smile. But he's in California and I'm in Colorado. I miss him so much I just want a hug from him.\n\nHow do you deal with the loneliness? How do you deal with people not wanting you around or taking you seriously? \n\nAnyone want to be a chat buddy?", "You know that loneliness amd lack of intimacy predispose people to depression, right? " ], "top_scores": [ 16.80637550354004, 14.83478832244873, 14.769718170166016, 14.27580451965332, 14.266694068908691 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of chronic loneliness and social isolation.", "pearson_r": 0.5003254996764259, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6812, "freq": 0.09416153023858803, "mean_pos": 4.928733825683594, "max_act": 17.593671798706055, "log_density": -1.0261264876852025, "top_texts": [ "As a little kid, when I thought I'll be normal when I grow up and it's just temporary. I really tried to pretend to be normal, this is when I wasn't noticeable schizoid outside", "Children that age do not have fully developed empathy yet and you must be a teenager to get conduct disorder diagnosed.\n\nI honestly don't know. I think I am very expressionless but I'd still feel distressed.", "I am trying to understand and wrap my head around it, imagine being 7-10 years young and trying to understand it first hand.", "How Young Can You Be Diagnosed With BPD? Going through my old journals (my childhood self loved journals) I see very clear descriptions of what I now know is dissociation. My thirteen year old self describes it the best, but I see patterns in writing as young as 10. \nIs this even possible?", "Yeah. Back when I was a kid is was literally what I would consider evil. Which might have been signs of Aspd looking back" ], "top_scores": [ 17.593671798706055, 16.515634536743164, 16.093643188476562, 16.065338134765625, 15.941732406616211 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the retrospective analysis of childhood experiences and early-onset symptoms of personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.2809347878962023, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4173, "freq": 0.1060113266768258, "mean_pos": 4.280173301696777, "max_act": 15.908980369567871, "log_density": -0.9746477263890643, "top_texts": [ "It started with a panic attack that led to hypertension. I felt my heart pounding with shortness of breath. I felt dizzy, and I thought I was having a heart attack, this was the first time I ever experienced this. I thought I was going to die. I went to the ER.", "My panic attacks are more “quiet” I just cried quietly and seized up / shook rly hard. The thing that snapped me out of it was holding some ice from my ginger ale cup. Nobody noticed me panicking.", "Was this a panic attack? I just had a horrible experience that I have not had before. Can anyone tell me if this was a panic attack or something else.\n\nI knew that this is not a normal depressive \"attack\" or just a emotional cry because I felt like I couldn't breathe I started shakig and I felt paralized. All my muscles felt like they were tensed up. One of my friends shortly after gave me a ride home (which was a 20min ride where I just stood still muscles still tense tears still falling). When he got me to my apartment building I went inside the building and just sat on the stairs for at least 30min still crying and shaking. Got up, slowly walked to my apartment and got in my bed and finally felt normal.\n\nDuring the ~hour I didn't really feel too depressed (maybe because i just started taking Sertralin) it was more of a panic feeling. What possibly made it worse than the times i have had like a real depressive moment is that this time I was in public and when i tried to isolate myself to calm down i couldn't because one drunk person was following and trying to talk about the misunderstanding we just had that started my spiral down.", "Another time I had one was today in class. I was worrying about fainting because I fainted last week and didn't want it to happen again. Today I was feeling dizzy from worrying and I was thinking \"I need to get out of here.\" I managed to calm myself down by taking deep breaths and closing my eyes before it got too bad. Can someone tell me if these were actually panic attacks?", "For some reason it just knocked me out and I woke up having a panic attack. I took a really small dose though." ], "top_scores": [ 15.908980369567871, 14.834124565124512, 14.066446304321289, 14.018351554870605, 13.998714447021484 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and physical symptoms of panic attacks.", "pearson_r": 0.4330900463068563, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9673, "freq": 0.09582186639979985, "mean_pos": 4.686522006988525, "max_act": 16.85753631591797, "log_density": -1.0185353697591712, "top_texts": [ "Dissatisfaction of Life - most people who are dissatisfied with their life have just never been givin the chance to truly live. Most people live for other things, but true joy is when we live for true selves. What do I want? What am I good at? How can I use my gifts to help others?", "I’ve always been this way so more like \"what is my life?\"", "So relearn how to live life and participate in life basically. But this time you set the rules.", "Well, what can I say. Human life does, objectively speaking, suck major balls. ", "life should be life is described as a wonderland. But it isn't in my point of view. life is something dragging you down farther and farther down into failure. even when you try your hardest there is always that one person that says \"you tried\" really saying that you failed. describing this is a weird way for me to say it like this. i know im not really making sense but this is my view on life. life shouldnt be lying or like a living hell. life should be something that means a lot to you. for example, you got a new dog, it means a lot to you. you teach it how to sit, use the bathroom, and all the other things dogs should do. one day they just give up because we humans (some humans) disrespect them and they end up getting sad 24/7 and end up dying. now more happy example with the same dog, the dog you got was from another family that disrespected the dog. you ended up treating it like it was your new best friend and other things. sooner or later it ends up to live longer because its happier. depression kills us all. life shouldn't lie about the definition\nGOOGLE SEARCH: Life definition '\n the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.\n\"the origins of life\"\nsynonyms:\texistence, being, living, animation; More\n2.\nthe existence of an individual human being or animal.\n\"a disaster that claimed the lives of 266 Americans\"\nsynonyms:\tperson, human being, individual, soul\n\"more than 1,500 lives were lost in the accident\"\n\nit tells what life is but not how you feel in life. \na lot of people are confused at what life should be, or how you should feel. google shouldn't lie to you about this kinda shit. it need to tell the truth. if you don't have others telling you the truth then why should you look it up on the internet?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.85753631591797, 16.015207290649414, 15.861126899719238, 14.715272903442383, 14.636289596557617 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Existential questioning and philosophical reflection on the nature and purpose of life.", "pearson_r": 0.4360146822816669, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4009, "freq": 0.1060113266768258, "mean_pos": 4.218036651611328, "max_act": 18.22109603881836, "log_density": -0.9746477263890643, "top_texts": [ "Anyone else feel completely hollow and empty yet at the same time, still be able to feel feelings? It’s a complete contradiction, I know, but I can’t really describe it. \n\nI have things that make me happy and things that make me sad - I feel it and I recognise it, but I just couldn’t give a shit. Genuinely couldn’t care less. Is this a thing? Does anyone else know what I mean? I’m registering things but I’m completely indifferent to them. \n\nI don’t even know if I’m making sense, but this whole thing doesn’t even make sense. ", "When it comes to that \"not feeling anything\" interpretation of certain symptoms, I tend to think of the DSM-V criterion \"shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affect\", which seems to be interpreted in a similar way. Maybe I'll tackle that one if I'm feeling up to it.", "I don’t really feel much of anything if that happens. I can acknowledge, conceptually, that their situation sucks, but I don’t have an emotional response.", "Don’t feel anything - for four years now. Anyone experience the same thing? I went through an extremely traumatic two years in 2014-2015 and I got no support through it. To cope, I finally just went numb, I don’t feel anything, I genuinely live my life with “zero fucks,” which on one hand is great! It’s a super power because it doesn’t matter what anyone says to me or does, I just don’t care. But on the other hand, I just don’t care.\n\nI don’t get mad, I don’t get sad, I don’t get excited, I just roll with it. \n\nI’m not depressed or down, I just am. \n\nIt’s been four years, and I still don’t really feel anything. \n\nHow have you coped with complete zero fucks? It kind of sucks because I don’t feel like I’m living but I’m also not a victim to my emotions anymore either and I don’t really know what normal is now.", "Something not quite right with me. Have any of you ever had absolutely zero emotional reaction to finding out bad news? But logically knowing it is something awful that you should be feeling very emotional about but can't bring yourself to feel? \n\nI just found out that my estranged mother who has been battling a percocet addiction is having yet again more concerning health problems, but this time she is experiencing kidney and liver failure. Logically, I know this is terrible news and I should feel incredibly anxious and scared for her well being, but emotionally I am not feeling anything. That is not to say I do not love my mother or would not be incredibly devastated if anything were to happen to her, but I cannot feel any emotions right now. \n\nI usually only cry once a month, at totally random and inappropriate times, and spend most of my time numbing myself with either video games, smoking, drinking, and doing anything but thinking about the uncomfortable parts of my life. I sleep until noon or 1 everyday, and stay up until 4 am doing nothing but avoiding thinking/feeling. \n\nI guess I just needed this off of my chest and in hopes that someone else could relate a bit. " ], "top_scores": [ 18.22109603881836, 18.082624435424805, 17.102737426757812, 16.944244384765625, 16.167375564575195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological experience of emotional numbness, detachment, or anhedonia characterized by a disconnect between cognitive awareness and emotional response.", "pearson_r": 0.598422906589689, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2980, "freq": 0.06830122591943957, "mean_pos": 6.5373053550720215, "max_act": 21.21250343322754, "log_density": -1.1655714948608322, "top_texts": [ "I need help badly with getting to sleep I can’t make myself go to sleep before 12am. Lately I’ve been turning off the tv at 3-4 and then I wake up at noon. I’m literally incapable of waking up before I have 8-9 hours, like I’ll sleep through alarms and everything!\n\n It’s really starting to brother, has for a while, and I don’t want to do. I feel pathetic and I live with parents who are super type a and all and I want to be going to bed at like 11-12 and getting up at 7-8. I used to be able to do this but for the past few years it’s gotten harder and harder. Any advice for me?", "Newly diagnosed, needing sleep advice Hey anyone who sorts by new! \n\nA week ago, I went to see a psychiatrist about having ADHD. I've always expected I had it, but I just put off seeing someone. He diagnosed me and prescribed me adderall(amphetamine salts). I take 20mg around 8-9am and then 20mg again around 11am-noon. I go to bed at 9-10pm and wake up at 530am.\n\nThe problem is I cannot sleep at all. I lay in bed tossing and turning all night. My whoop picks up that I sleep around 2.5-4 hours a night the past few days that I've taken it. I have had problems sleeping beforehand, but never this consistently. I knew that taking adderall would make my sleep worse, but I need it to focus at work even when I get quality sleep. I used to be a very heavy coffee drinker, but I've since cut that out.\n\nI tried taking 2 benadryl and a 10mg melatonin last night, and no dice. I was able to fall asleep. I just consistently woke up having to pee, despite nothing really coming out when I went? Does anyone have a recommendation for being able to fall asleep and stay asleep? I have about 9-11 hours between taking my second pill and sleep. I don't feel the effects of the adderall at all at night, but still having the problem.\n\nDoes anyone else have this problem? Do you think it will subside once my body gets more acclimated to taking it?", "Sleep Don’t know if this is the wrong attitude, but I’m kind of at point where I’m so sick of not sleeping properly that I’m not even trying anymore. \n\nLike the stress of worrying about sleep is worse than being tired for the first half of the day. \n\nIt’s less stress than worrying about getting to bed early enough, getting enough sleep, hoping I can fall asleep quickly, going to bed and tossing and turning for hours getting frustrated, thoughts running all over the place because there is nothing else to focus on. \n\nSeems when I do sleep longer it’s even harder and takes longer to wake up properly. Either way I don’t feel like I wake up properly until after midday, even though I have been up for 5 hours and have been at work for 3 hours. \n\nSo I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has kind of just gone with it, embraced being a night owl, and how are you finding it?\n\nMaybe 5 hours sleep is enough?", "please help I’m overthinking sleeping So I have recently started having trouble sleeping when I take my meds. I’ve been on 60mg of Vyvanse for about 5 months now but within this past month I’ve been getting 3-4hrs of sleep a night and sometimes none at all.\n\nI think I’m overthinking sleeping. Since this problem has become norm when I end my day around 8pm I start to worry about if I’m going to be able to fall asleep that night. I overthink about how tired I’m feeling and questioning am I feeling tired or just relaxed. I start thinking about ways I can get myself ready for sleep. Seriously when my day ends or when the end of the day is approaching all I do is just worry if I will be able to fall asleep \n\nAND THEN when I close my eyes to sleep I cannot shut my brain off, it takes me forever to doze off but then when I start noticing I’m dozing off I think “sweet you’re about to sleep don’t loose it” and then I wake all the way back up\n\nOR \n\nI get really excited about the next day(idk why I am only ever at work or school) but I think about what a productive day I’m going to have and about things I want to look up in the morning about whatever topic my brain is obsessing over at the moment and sometimes I can’t wait and I just let myself stay up all night hyper focusing on dumb shit \n\nEven though I feel soooooo tiiireddddd :( \n\nPLEASE MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE lol \nAnd also help me find a way to get into a healthy sleep schedule \n", "Suddenly not sleeping I'm struggling right now. A few months ago I had a really bad adhd night, where I stayed up for 38 hours straight. Ever since then, I'm seemingly unable to sleep at a normal time. I whither crash at 10pm, or I'm up until 4 am. Im struggling so hard right now, and on top of that, I've now been diagnosed with OCD tendencies. \n\nWhat do y'all do to get to sleep on nights like these?" ], "top_scores": [ 21.21250343322754, 21.161762237548828, 20.51390838623047, 20.46883773803711, 20.34157371520996 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with sleep disturbances and circadian rhythm disruption, often in the context of ADHD or medication side effects.", "pearson_r": 0.5527176754480019, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7466, "freq": 0.08363090499692952, "mean_pos": 5.001032829284668, "max_act": 19.635526657104492, "log_density": -1.0776331983564773, "top_texts": [ "Heya I can only talk about my experience, but for me the thoughts didn’t go away with any medication, I’m on Ritalin, been on antidepressants, the works. The thoughts are as frequent for me as eating and sleeping annoyingly but it got easier when I stopped giving my thoughts so much weight. For me anyway, it’s helped a lot for me to acknowledge, accept and release my thoughts. Sounds weird but stay with me. It might not be the same for you but for me they are intrusive thoughts. Whether I want to act on them in that moment or not, they are only thoughts. Thoughts like that used to scare me into panic attacks, depressive episodes and even psychosis. Now I start by acknowledging that they are just thoughts and my brain is just extremely overwhelmed. Then once I accept that I’m having these thoughts and it’s awful but temporary, I distract myself to try influence different thinking into my overwhelmed wee brain. For me this looks like going on reddit, messaging people, doing something I enjoy (if I have the energy), eating something, showering, walking etc. When I first tried doing this it took a really long time to completely forget the thought since it was so awful to have in my head at all, but over time it got easier and easier to move forward. Lastly, I’d release these thoughts when I’m feeling good and have no ideation (could be a brief window of time but hey I’ll take it), I reflect on it by writing and/or talking to someone about it. Even when most of the time it’s too complicated to find a cause for the thought, it’s such a relief to get it out and to know I can get through it when I think of it again. I hope this helps at all, just my experience ❤️", "not intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts are unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts of things that really bother you that you do not want to act on and would never do. These are more like impulsive thoughts or urges.", "Anyways, it's been a process and it's not that I'm free of those thoughts but they are rare now and I can deal with them successfully.", "Currently, I have a lot of dark, or intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if they mean more than they do. But sometimes I'll be afraid that other's can read my thoughts, and that they'll think badly of me.", "Wait. Can you please tell me if intrusive thoughts have to do with BPD? I've asked around and have gotten no answer. I mostly get intrusive thoughts about my relationships, violent, mean or transphobic thoughts or extreme hypothetical arguments (usually involving my gf yelling at me or breaking up with me)." ], "top_scores": [ 19.635526657104492, 17.819355010986328, 17.08238983154297, 16.807222366333008, 16.38675308227539 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and management of intrusive, unwanted, or repetitive mental thoughts.", "pearson_r": 0.6440943101994078, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3889, "freq": 0.08508654217936179, "mean_pos": 4.740472793579102, "max_act": 19.226558685302734, "log_density": -1.070139120115975, "top_texts": [ "I don't want anyone to know I've got depression I'm not sure how alone I am in this feeling. \n\nI've gotten to the point where it feels as tho I'm playing an entirely different person when I'm around other people. I'll smile and laugh at jokes I don't find remotely funny, or I'll act upset in situations where I just don't feel like anything. I've been playing this \"character\" of myself for a couple of years now. In a way, I have a strict personality set up for others because I find my actually self far too boring and uncaring. (It's so strange to be self aware of the fact that you don't care much about things.)\n\nWell, recently I've been seeing a therapist at my school. (It was lightly forced for me to see her after I came out suicidal to my now ex gf.) It's a weird situation, I really look forward to seeing her, but I don't ever tell her the truth of what's going on. This is mostly out of fear of what could happen if I did. I mean, how do you explain to someone you've been faking how you feel about nearly everything for years? It feels fake by just saying it aloud. \n\nNow the main root of my issue lately. (Sorry for the long post.)\nI can't bring myself to keep acting anymore. It's gotten to the point where I have been skipping school days simply because I don't want to \"be happy\" around other people when I'm honestly dying inside. Even in the family home, I'll bury myself into my room because I simply don't want to talk to any of my family members. Does anyone have this feeling too, or is there something more wrong then depression?", "Yeah, on accident. I've lied and faked everything so much through my life that I don't know who I really am or what I feel or think or actually beleive half of the time. It's not really on purpose though.", "I could mask and show all the necessary emotion but she would know that was completely fake so I was just real with her.", "I have a history of doing that, the biggest one was probably faking ADHD. Even though this was less faking, but more a misinformed self-diagnosis. Still counts as that in my book though.\n\nThe things I fake the most are actually physical symptoms - like having intense stomach cramps, being nauseous, a headache, ect. Mostly to get away with working less than I should.", "Sometimes I wonder if this is genuine care, as you are actually making efforts to appear kind and nice around them. If that is the case, maybe I do genuinely care for a few people to some degree. Of course, this isn't a quarter of how much I would care for myself, but I call it care nonetheless.\n\nHowever, more often than not, there is a \"primary mask\" I wear around people and in social situations, which makes me appear kind and caring in a \"natural\" way. It is faked so well that only one psychiatrist was able to break through it and get a glimpse of my unmasked self. Not only is it faked well enough that has me appear in a different light, but after using it for such a long time, I've gotten used to it to the point where the moment I am about to enter a social surrounding, it's like automatically flipping the switch and putting on the \"nice person\" mask with ease." ], "top_scores": [ 19.226558685302734, 19.087629318237305, 18.888490676879883, 18.354907989501953, 18.0674991607666 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of \"masking\" or the performative concealment of one's true self and emotions in social interactions.", "pearson_r": 0.19036830250917958, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2684, "freq": 0.08124275024450156, "mean_pos": 4.762778282165527, "max_act": 20.344989776611328, "log_density": -1.0902153778561814, "top_texts": [ "How to deal with guilt for having fun Does anyone else experience this? Sometimes when I go shopping or buy treats I feel guilty that there are homeless people who don't have what I have and instead of using my money to help people I'm using it on myself. Sometimes I just feel guilty because I'm in debt with student loans and can't actually afford the stuff I buy. Sometimes it's as simple as living in a first world country while so many others are suffering in war-torn or oppressive environments. \n\nIf anyone else has experienced this, how do you enjoy your life without the guilt?", "Guilty about being depressed I've been battling some tough thoughts lately. I've come to the conclusion that I feel extreme guilt for letting my depression take over at times.\n\nI am one of the lucky ones. Supportive parents, enough money, good childhood, private schools. I was set up to start my life at an advantage - something I have always been aware of and am extremely grateful for. \n\nHowever, I let my depression own me for many years. I dropped out of college, and went to a trade school where I managed to earn an Associate's degree. I feel guilty that even though I was set up for success, I let this depression get the better of me.\nI feel like a weak person at times, but mostly it is pure guilt.\n\nJust had to get that off my chest.", "It's okay to feel guilt sometimes. You did the wrong thing by giving him those things. Don't let the guilt consume you however, use it to promise yourself you won't do something like that again. You can't change the past, apologise to whoever appropriate and then don't do it again. It's common for people to repeat actions their parents did with them and while it doesn't make it right, it doesn't make you the most awful person ever. Acknowledge how dangerous that situation could have ended up for him, identify why you make this action and work on it, don't do it again and forgive yourself.", "I can totally relate to feel guilty about things you have all the right to do but as you said you know you didnt do anything wrong, it feels like whatever it feels, but thats ok, we dont have control about our irrational feelings but we have about what we do with them.", "Guilt over time not spent with family My brother lives out of the province but this last week he was home to visit. I have been looking forward to this visit for a long time, as I hadn’t seen him in over a year. \n\nI am feeling really guilty because while he was home not only was I working quite a bit, I took extra time for myself last weekend when I could have been spending time with him. I am now dwelling on the time I spent at my own home, when I could have been at my parents house visiting with my brother. He left this morning and now I am super upset with myself and feeling guilty. \n\nI have been going through a rough patch, which is making this feel so much larger. " ], "top_scores": [ 20.344989776611328, 20.168174743652344, 19.47493553161621, 19.284175872802734, 18.536165237426758 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of irrational or disproportionate feelings of guilt.", "pearson_r": 0.6178613305464978, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5557, "freq": 0.04817249300611823, "mean_pos": 8.026834487915039, "max_act": 22.53687286376953, "log_density": -1.3172008686314598, "top_texts": [ "How does this only apply to narcissism, and not NPD? I know that narcissism and NPD are not the same. NPD is a clinical construct. Narcissism is a personality trait. The things that he mentioned apply to both NPD as well as pathological narcissism.", "What you are talking about to me atleast sounds like normal narcissism and looking out for your own needs. NPD is something else and it’s dysfunctional and not everything someone with it does makes sense as they experience the world very differently and have many deficits that normal people don’t have. \n\nEither way I’m not talking about NPD just that high levels of narcissism are not great for the overall picture of things. Ironically the more narcissism a person has the more they alienate other people and most don’t understand that it’s because of their behavior that it’s happening. It’s kind of a sad disorder tbh", "Conversely, someone with NPD experiences more difficulties as a result of their narcissism and is affected by it in most situations at most times.", "Let's assume that i dont have NPD. If i fight against the notion i could be displaying Narcissistic trait, if i dont then i have NPD. No matter what i'm always NPD.", "Being a narcissist isn't necessarily a bad thing. Narcissist doesn't = bad person. There are lots of good people with NPD. 💖" ], "top_scores": [ 22.53687286376953, 20.899755477905273, 20.658227920532227, 20.327621459960938, 20.136001586914062 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The distinction between clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and general narcissistic personality traits.", "pearson_r": 0.6564914401090045, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6510, "freq": 0.07364614369868311, "mean_pos": 5.167203903198242, "max_act": 21.415292739868164, "log_density": -1.1328499831039318, "top_texts": [ "25 isn't old and don't let anyone let you feel that way. tht is a very young age, you are just barely starting life. just do what you want to do and don't care what anyone thinks.", "this is what happens if you are living in a country where youth age range only lasts until 25. in Korea women get married at 30s and no one bats an eye.\nthe youth age range for UK last until 30. \nSpain , there are many 30 year old women just settling down.\nI'd say move. you definitely deserve better.\ni personally am really glad I live in a country where the youth age range lasts until 30, so at 26 you still have time.\na 28 year old was called the younger generation in my country and they assume anyone in their 20s are still in their prime, while the whole 'brain development at 25' theory tht is popular in America right now are taken to extremes to the point people literally think 25-29 isn't young. it's definitely messed up mindset.", "I always had the misperception that it's an older person's disease then what do you know I'm diagnosed at 25 told I've had it since 22. Turns out that late teens to early thirties is the primary age of onset.", "Is it too late for me to be young at 24? I dealt with depression and clinical mental illness since I was a kid. I did really bad in school, was suicidal and bulimic for 10 years, and am just now feeling like I don’t wanna kill myself. I am mad and grieving the loss of my entire youth. I really wasted it. I am sad to know now I have to grow up and all my friends are gonna get married and leave me. I’ll never know what it’s like to be 17 and stick your head out the window of your friends car, or do go to a dorm party, or to have a girlfriend or boyfriend. I’m just starting life now, and I feel cheated and distressed. I lived most of my life thinking I’d never make it to age 20. At 24 I feel like I’m floating in space around other truly living people. But recently I’ve been to therapy and started seeing the light. Only issue is now that the lights are on I see how dark my past was for so long, and the mental scars are still there. Am I too old to be young?", "Still fearing responsibility by their late 20s/early 30s. I don't know anyone like that whose life isn't a fucking mess." ], "top_scores": [ 21.415292739868164, 20.00091552734375, 19.12031364440918, 18.77191162109375, 18.510833740234375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the existential anxiety and social comparison associated with the transition into adulthood and the perceived loss of youth.", "pearson_r": 0.42792501579239245, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7988, "freq": 0.07125798894625515, "mean_pos": 5.24271821975708, "max_act": 17.473512649536133, "log_density": -1.147166432441947, "top_texts": [ "There are people out there with ASPD who have successful relationships. It certainly doesn’t help but the idea that everyone with ASPD can’t maintain relationships and doesn’t care about them is B.S.\n\nAlso there are a million different ways to have relationships and it doesn’t have to fit the traditional mold that is generally accepted either. If there is something that would work for you I think there is probably somebody looking for the same thing somewhere", "I find any kind of relationship problematic, hard to maintain, without use in the long run. If I ever get a thought about relationships I download Replika and after half a conversation I'm done.", "Question about depression and relationships How do you manage a healthy relationship while you're depressed? It's possible right?", "Popping in to say that I relate to this, too. Any relationships that I can slip in and out of tend to be the ones that I have better odds of retaining.", "Every relationship has an expiration date, whether that is a breakup or death. It’s possible a secondary relationship could last a really long time, even until death, if everyone was happy with the arrangement" ], "top_scores": [ 17.473512649536133, 16.938282012939453, 16.851097106933594, 16.775388717651367, 16.71687889099121 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and viability of interpersonal relationships within the context of mental health challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.5095101710852532, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5549, "freq": 0.09541246844224077, "mean_pos": 3.89263653755188, "max_act": 14.88792896270752, "log_density": -1.0203948637018527, "top_texts": [ "Do you have suggestions on how to cope with this mentally? I need a way to figure out.", "I need some help, what are some of your coping mechanisms at school? I am able to cope when I am at home, but at school my thoughts really start to run away. What are ways you guys cope with depressive episodes?", "So I’m not sure if you or anyone else here needs there. But coping strategies include avoiding big decisions while in luteal as best as I can, discussing my plans with loved ones to help me understand if I’m thinking rationally, & a hell of a lot of grounding techniques. That said, I still do impulsive things like binge & cut my hair at 2 am. But I also am used to cutting my hair, I wear a lot of hats, & I make sure that I know what I want to do first as well. As for binging I try to keep a lot of healthy & low calorie snacks around to help me balance out the binges", "My coping strategies are grounding techniques, asking friends about my plans, & trying to avoid big decisions during luteal. I also make plans for impulsive decisions. For example, I know that I am definitely going to binge & I might end up cutting my hair at 2 am. So I try best to have a mix of nutritionally balanced & low calorie snacks to help me minimize my reliance on the snacks that are making me struggle with my weight loss journey. & with cutting my hair I have a style picked out before hand & I make sure that it’s something I can manage to do. Also, I wear a lot of hats so worst case scenario I can just wear a beanie lol", "So no, there wasn’t a way that I coped. It was after months of agonizing anxiety and stress, and one moment of courage." ], "top_scores": [ 14.88792896270752, 13.959348678588867, 13.618959426879883, 13.248698234558105, 12.848614692687988 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the active seeking or sharing of specific coping strategies and management techniques for mental health challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.2433122886365925, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5003, "freq": 0.07396456433234017, "mean_pos": 4.99540901184082, "max_act": 22.964061737060547, "log_density": -1.1309762906246434, "top_texts": [ "that’s weird that you received an OCD diagnosis with a nearly empty Y-BOCS. what are the symptoms you think are OCPD?", "If she sees this behavior as normal it's more likely that it's OCPD than OCD. OCD causes distress that people with it can recognize as a problem, people with OCPD just think \"nothing is wrong with me, I'm just a perfectionist\" or \"I don't want to change this behavior because I don't feel it's a problem\"", "I was diagnosed with OCD before OCPD, and then my current psych kept the diagnosis after my formal psych evaluation that revealed i had OCPD as well. I’ve had OCD since I was 15 or 16. It began with sexual OCD, then just-right, harm, safety, and relationship OCD. I did a lot of checking regarding feared home break ins and fires. A ton of just-right stuff is tangled up with the OCPD symptoms. OCPD and OCD are fundamentally different: OCD is ego-dystonic, and OCPD is ego-syntonic. They are treated differently as well. The evidence based practice/gold standard for OCD is exposure and response prevention therapy, while the gold standard for OCPD is RO-DBT. They’re assessed differently as well, a clinician might use a Y-BOCS and definitely a SCID for OCD, while they might use a psychometric test more attenuated to personality psychopathology like the PAI or the MMCI for OCPD.", "hmmm. Those things are both consistent with OCPD. Rumination occurs with OCD, but also with other anxiety-based disorders (like OCPD). Did you have testing done for other disorders or just OCD?", "Sounds like OCD to me. Compulsions can be mental, like constantly checking in with yourself about perceived symptoms or lack thereof. And it absolutely sounds obsessive." ], "top_scores": [ 22.964061737060547, 22.865150451660156, 22.743423461914062, 21.74924087524414, 21.73077392578125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical differentiation and diagnostic discussion between OCD and OCPD.", "pearson_r": 0.31448545101657555, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4016, "freq": 0.09293333636591079, "mean_pos": 3.968092203140259, "max_act": 16.413246154785156, "log_density": -1.0318284664487183, "top_texts": [ "Life with illnesses suck, but I believe in you, truly. 💕You got this :)", "I also want to say: good luck with your healing process! It sounds like you have come a long way, and I think that's really awesome.", "Merry Christmas man! This was very kind. Best of luck in your healing!", "I wish you well, and I hope you live and love much longer than the doctors said. Be well, my friend. <3", "I’m proud of you for surviving and am hoping to a good and calm winter for you :)" ], "top_scores": [ 16.413246154785156, 14.725322723388672, 14.54898738861084, 14.47082233428955, 13.886394500732422 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of empathetic support, encouragement, and well-wishing toward others.", "pearson_r": 0.5049704887381378, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5353, "freq": 0.06623149180066869, "mean_pos": 5.457333564758301, "max_act": 18.829256057739258, "log_density": -1.17893545622011, "top_texts": [ "Little/No Support from Spouse This is my very first Reddit post so please forgive anything out of place. \n\nDoes anyone have experience with having little to no support from your spouse in coping with your depression?\n\nA little elaboration:\nI was diagnosed with depression about a year and a half ago after finally seeking help when I began considering suicide at what I felt was at an alarmingly frequent rate and I became afraid of myself. My husband of course knows that I have depression and he has a general concept of what it is (I think so anyways; I've done my best to explain it) but he doesn't understand it. He says he's never felt that way and he's sorry that I do. However, I feel like he thinks I'm crazy when I try to talk about how I'm feeling. He never says anything demeaning or out of place, but it's almost like talking to a wall. We have been together for 10 years, have a child together, and have a good relationship, so I don't understand why it makes me feel so bad to try to reach out to him. \n\nI just feel so alone and I'm not sure how to get him to understand that I need his help. ", "Seems surreal right now. Reality hasnt caught up to me yet. So it has come. This last October my world seemed to end. My wife outed her true feelings to me... Feelings she had kept secret. Feelings that I was controling, that she was unhappy.... That she wanted friends regardless of if I approved or not.... That she married \"too young\"... That she never got to live HER life.... \n\nWe had a great initial 4 years. Engaged and then married. Moved to my home town. Different work schedules. She gave up sharing her feelings. I knew something was off. But i told her to be patient.... That i missed her, loved her, every day... \n\nThat we just needed our schedules to be better.. To be more in sync with eachother... Then it was that I worked too much\n\nShe kept her resentment inside so long though. She kept her true feelings in so long I didnt realize she hated me for this or that.\n\nOctober she addmitted it.\n\nWe got marriage counciling.\n\nIt is off and on. It has helped maybe a little but not for her. Our beliefs are different. I have faith in the lord and avoid certain things and she does not. She has very little discernment between good and bad in general.\n\nShe also started talking to a guy at her job..... I found out about that in oct too. Oct was a bad month... After our two year aniversary i found out she lied multiple times about talking or not talking to that guy.\n\nNo evidence of cheating. But now it doesnt matter... I tried to offer her forgiveness and do anything for our marriage and for her....\n\nShe seemed to try. We seemed okay. But there is always something that sets her off... She cant even handle a small amount of anger anymore from me.... Or disaproval of a tv show i didnt want to watch together.... \n\nOf all things that was what set her off tonight. \n\nShe came up to get her phone and said goodnight and that she found 3 divorce mediators in the area. \n\nOn top of that I found out the church I had been going to believes in the rapture theory (something i do not believe in). \n\nMy buddy didnt text me back for support and I didnt want to text my boss at 120am to tell him I dont want to work (because what is sleep when your wife wants a divorce?) \n...\nIts 1 hr 20 minutes until im supposed to get up for work.\nMy wife effectively made it impossible for me to sleep.\n\nSigh....\n\nIm ready for the world to end. Its just me and ma now.... And shit... Im going to have to say goodbye to 1 or 2 cats out of 4 :/..\n\nAnd finances are going to SUCK.\n\nMy heart is going to be shit after this. Rock cold nothing. \n\nIm 31. This is my worst break up but not my only. I dont feel like i ever want to date again. What is the point if someone i thought loved me could double cross me and ruin my life like this? Ill never trust again and I have no desire for sex or even emotions at this point. I feel empty. If marriage failed me after even 4 years before that (this would be 3 year marriage 7 years together) what can I trust besides God?", "Hey guys, Been married for about a little over a year. I had an inkling before we got married that the wife was an anxious person but it was only after we got married I realised it was much more. She has weekly breakdowns over minor occurrences at work and comes home cursing and screaming about what goes on. (Not at me, but that repeated venting does have its toll on me as well mentally.", "It sounds like your wife isn’t happy. The weight gain is a symptom associated with mental disorganization or stress. She’s exhibiting a lot of hopelessness. She knows how she looks and how she feels, and she probably knows she’s disappointing you. I’d focus on her emotional health. See if she’s interested in therapy. Genuinely search for the root of the unhealthy behavior and try to meet your wife there. If you don’t, she’ll undoubtedly feel more and more emotionally distanced from you as well. I hope you guys can get tackle this challenge together as a team.", "My husband of 6 months said he wants some space and has been looking at apartments. He says I’m not there for him in the way he needs me to be. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I bend over backwards for him and he feels like I’m not there in the ways that count. \n\nHow could we be good for 8 years and then when we get married it all goes to shit immediately? I feel like I try so hard and care so much and he isn’t receiving any of it. Now he wants space and is looking apartments to rent.... we’ve only been married since July and together 8 years prior... " ], "top_scores": [ 18.829256057739258, 18.609432220458984, 18.407976150512695, 18.284879684448242, 18.126028060913086 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents interpersonal relationship strain and marital conflict within the context of mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.6572099228017697, "pred_f1": 0.782608695652174 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1051, "freq": 0.09982486865148861, "mean_pos": 3.595602512359619, "max_act": 12.150458335876465, "log_density": -1.0007612482227928, "top_texts": [ "I tend to just focus my attention on positive interactions no matter the person. Rude to me? I'll walk away. In the same day, you come up to me and say something neutral or kind? I'll respond kindly. I've noticed the people who say rude things are generally looking for a reaction, when they don't get one, they either avoid you or change their approach. If they continue their rudeness over and over even after no reaction, I'd consider cutting them off if it's a personal relationship, confronting them if they mean a lot to me or reporting them in professional settings.", "I’ll never understand how people can be so blatantly disrespectful like that then expect everything to be fine. Like what??? I try not to act on it anymore but I always get this urge to remind them of their place", "Generally apathetic but if people are annoying enough I dislike them and am disgusted by them.", "If you know you’re right, that’s enough. You have nothing to prove. I’ve been through similar stuff and it fucking sucks but it shows who they are and who to avoid. What worked for me was to ignore people no matter how much it hurt and find people who were kinder and focus on how much better they are to me.", "I work at dollar general and the other day I was counting money for a safe drop. A customer came in and said hello. I nodded to him as I didn't want to lose my count. Again he goes hellooo? Repeat that another few times. I finish counting and say sorry I didn't want to lose my count, what can I do for you (thoroughly annoyed at this point). And he goes off saying that's terrible customer service and I was so rude to him. It had already been a long day so I just yelled \"you could see me counting money and I said hello as soon as I was done, what more do you want from me I make minimum wage. /youre/ incredibly rude\" Then I went and sat in the office until he left.\n\nCustomer service is exhausting. Most days I can handle it fine but when customers get on you about the littlest things that just don't matter at all and act like you should be providing 5 star service on a wage that doesn't even cover rent? It's shocking that customer facing workers aren't constantly just snapping." ], "top_scores": [ 12.150458335876465, 11.20998477935791, 10.240761756896973, 10.225212097167969, 9.870979309082031 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of interpersonal conflict and the regulation of emotional reactions toward disrespectful or annoying individuals.", "pearson_r": 0.4909356227860881, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5782, "freq": 0.06577660518115859, "mean_pos": 5.422790050506592, "max_act": 17.376935958862305, "log_density": -1.1819285381932692, "top_texts": [ "School is causing my depression Recently my grades have been slipping in school and it shouldn’t be affecting me as much as it is, but I’m becoming depressed and have constant anxiety attacks because of it. Bad grades usually cause this to happen to me but this time I really don’t know how to handle it.\n I’m currently failing my algebra class and the stress has been causing me to fail several other subjects because I haven’t had the time to focus on anything else other than this single class. Because of this I’ve gone weeks without getting enough sleep, I stay up until 4am trying to study but I just can’t comprehend the material in front of me. I cant understand even the most basic concepts and it’s causing me to become stressed beyond belief.\n I’m always breaking down in class and at home and I haven’t been able to do my usual activities because of it, I’ve had to skip a lot of after school actives to try to focus on this class but I’m too stressed to handle it at all. It’s gotten to the point that I’d rather be hit by a car at an intersection on the walk to my next class than even go to it to begin with. I haven’t been able to talk to any of my friends and family and the stress from this single class has carried into every second of my life and I don’t know how to handle any of the emotions and stress I’m dealing with at all.", "Keep thinking back on my bad school experiences I finished school (sixth form) last year and it wasn't a great experience. I keep thinking about all the bad things and the reasons I wish I had gone somewhere else.\n\nMost recently I keep thinking about the time I was accused of having an eating disorder.\n\nOne time I was crying in class because of all the suicidal thoughts so I went to the toilet to get a tissue and help calm down. Apparently whilst I was out of the classroom a boy told the teacher (who was also head of sixth form) that I often leave classes to go throw up.\n\nThe next hour I had a free lesson and the teacher pulled me into the office. She told me what the boy said and asked if it was true. I was in shock. I have no idea why he would say that. It was completely untrue and how would he even know if it was. The teacher wasn't being nice about it, it was as if she was interrogating me being really forceful with her questions. She was saying that clearly something was wrong with me and that I had to open up. She said I was only going to get worse unless I talked to someone. She said \"I know I'm pushing you to the point of crying but this needs to happen\". Part of the reason I was crying was because the boy who told her the lie was the boy that used to give me death threats and choke me when I was younger. I didn't want to say anything to her but I said that I had been seen by CAMHS and I was in the process of getting help but she just kept on trying to find out why I wouldn't even talk to my parents. She said that I never talk and that it was hard for her. She wouldn't stop hounding me. What's even worse was that the student manager (a teacher who you talk to if you need help with school and also like a counsellor) was sat right there not saying anything.\n\nI didn't like our student manager/ counsellor. She knew I had depression but she sat there and did nothing when a bunch of teachers sent me home by myself when I was hysterically crying another time. I didn't think I would make it home alive that day.\n\nI think maybe all of this has added to my trauma.", "I can't even do school work anymore The title says it all I suppose. This will kinda just be a vent. I've been trying to force myself to make a post but I just feel attention seeking. I guess if you are seeing this, I finally did it. I recently started high school, in my freshman year and I already failed by first semester due to missing so many days. My grades were fine, I could've passed on them even if two were low C's but the area where I live have a law if you miss for than 5 days unexcused, you get failed in all classes. So, I failed them all. I missed so many days because I couldn't even get out of bed and I'm only 15. I'm 15 and if this is how I am what can I expect for the rest of my life? My mom can shout all she wants that I need to go to school and do my homework but I simply can't. I want to lay in bed and cry all day, staring at work all I can ask is 'what will this do for my future?' and I try to tell myself it'll let me pass high school and get a job. But I can't even see that far forward. \n\n\nI'm an overly emotional person and I know it, I don't take well to yelling and I ended up with a teacher who screams this semester. He is a football coach teaching health, and like. I get it's not what he is used to and he yells cause that's how you have to act on a football field. But this is a classroom. I was doing a test and a girl said \"do i bubble these in?\" to me, now this guy has a strict no talking rule but I thought just whispering a quick \"yeah\" would be fine. I was completely wrong. He heard and started screaming, prompting me to burst into tears. People stared and now I can't even walk into class without being reminded of it and feeling my eyes prickle with tears. I've left that classroom to go to the nurse twice this week alone due to an anxiety attack from remembering the situation. Funny thing is, before it even happened I had spoken to him on the first day about how I don't take well to yelling, and that if he had an issue with me to come to me and we could talk it out. Thought I was being a mature young adult by doing such, guess not. \n\n\nIt makes me want to never go again. I don't see a point in going to this place if all I do is sit there and stare at my work confused. I don't know why the hell they want me to write about what Edger Allen Poe was thinking when he wrote The Cask Of Amontillado, and honestly I feel if he were alive to day he'd be pretty peeved people nitpick his work like this. Isn't reading meant to be enjoyed? Cause right now all I do is completely dread it. I dread everything. So I've gotten to a point where I just sit and think about going to school tomorrow and end up sobbing myself to sleep at 3 am because I simply don't want to go. I have nothing to look forward to anymore. Someone told me I have 'senioritis' in freshman year, and honestly I feel like they aren't wrong. Is there anyone else out there struggling with this right now? Or at least, have? ", "School makes me upset more than anything and I think it's super messed up I really suck at learning. Unless it's math or science. I'm sure there's many of you like this. But recently the shit has me so down. I've had this one teacher for the last three years. She's taught me Physical Science, Chemistry, and now Environmental Science. When she teaches, I just get it. And every time I accomplish something, even the smallest little task, she praises me like I just found a cure for cancer. She makes me want to learn so much and I've never had that. Like this woman has made such an impact on my life. I literally get up every day and push myself to go to school just because I wanna make her proud of me. She's the only teacher that sees any potential in me. And that shit makes me feel so good. But it's everything else that gets to me. Like I always feel like in my other classes that everyone around me understands and I get left behind. Almost every time I ask a question, someone laughs at me because it's some basic shit that I still don't know. That is, if I can even find the words for my question. I have so many questions but never any way to put them into words. I'm on my second junior year of high school (11th grade twice) and that doesn't exactly make me feel so hot either. I'm known around school for not giving a fuck and just doing me. That's because thats exactly what I do, but it's to hide the fact that i'm so lost I could cry. I just don't know what to do anymore because i'm so tired of feeling so dumb all the time. All my grades are terrible because I fall behind so often because I don't know how to ask questions. I just wanna be able to learn like everyone else. School makes me feel like such a loser. I can't learn English for shit but if you asked me to pull the engine from your car, given I had all the tools provided, give me about a day and I'd have it done. Ask me to write a paper? And then ask me again because I didn't do it? It's because I literally don't know how and I don't know how to say that I don't know how. It just frustrates me so much", "BPD and school just don't mix for me I'm finding a lot of aspects of my BPD keeping me from participating in my classes. Much of it is exploration of your \"true inner self\" type stuff. Getting to know what your strengths are, getting to know your leadership style and reflecting heavily on your feelings on topics. I can't stand this shit. I haven't put much effort into most of these activities in class and I just pretend like I know what I'm saying or I make things up about myself because I don't want people to know the real me or I simply don't say anything at all. I'm just sliding by. I can't believe I've made it this far to be honest. I feel like a phony. I can't wait for this to fucking end!" ], "top_scores": [ 17.376935958862305, 17.171466827392578, 16.911224365234375, 16.835908889770508, 16.750656127929688 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of academic stress and its negative impact on mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.49762544170029754, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3381, "freq": 0.06538995155457503, "mean_pos": 5.403646945953369, "max_act": 19.413005828857422, "log_density": -1.1844889777510719, "top_texts": [ "For sure. And mental health is the biggest lagging sufferer because we don't know that much about it still.", "Yes. Mental health is just as important as physical health. ", "I'm so sorry btw. I too am afraid something like that will happen to me. My mental health was definitely the absolute worst because of the loneliness", "Good luck to you too, i really hope it gets better cause it's genuinely infuriating, it ruins mental health so much...", "for me no, because mental health conversations always become competitive. just keep communication healthy" ], "top_scores": [ 19.413005828857422, 17.844179153442383, 17.313282012939453, 16.994556427001953, 16.0587158203125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the explicit conceptualization and discussion of \"mental health\" as a distinct, categorical entity.", "pearson_r": 0.2811934697710109, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9023, "freq": 0.05943093683899288, "mean_pos": 5.850649833679199, "max_act": 17.583221435546875, "log_density": -1.2259874163834554, "top_texts": [ "impulsive buying has me financially screwed has anyone been so screwed over financially because of BPD and overcome their debt? I have a decent paying job but I don't save any of my money- most of it goes right to bills and I have very little left over for things I need. I have to pay for my boyfriend's food as well as my own and I feel like I'm trapped. My documented income is too high for any state assistance because they do not take into account my student loans or other debts. I've maxed credit cards and I'm terrified of getting any unexpected bills. I just keep ignoring the problem and buying anyway (like coffee every morning). I feel like I just can't stop. Has anyone experienced this and ended up financially ok?", "Anyone else worry more about money than their own well being? My family isn’t living in poverty or anything but finance is always a struggle. We just had to cancel our health insurance so I can kiss goodbye to affordable medication. \n\nEver since I became depressed I’ve been nothing but a burden on my family. Therapy costs a lot, medication costs a lot, I have debt from student loans to pay off and I didn’t even graduate. \n\nMultiple times I felt like I might harm myself so I wanted to go to the ER but thinking about how much it would cost always stops me. \n\nIdk. Everyone always says money can’t buy happiness but it sure as hell would make life a little less terrible.", "I am starting a full time job over the summer and will be financially set starting in June. May is going to be very hard for me. My rent is 785, I have other bills as well as purchasing groceries. I can pay rent but will be without any money for 2 weeks after that I will be unable to buy food or pay my electric bill. If anyone could help I would be eternally grateful...i feel so bad asking for anything but I just don't know what to do....", "Yes absolutely, I live paycheck to paycheck and our cost of living is going to end up increasing drastically this next year for a variety of reasons. I’m also pregnant again. Good times!! I don’t dare complain or speak up about my financial problems because I know I will be judged for having more children when I’m not stable money wise. My family rents an apartment, no hope of buying a house anytime soon, and we drive older used cars.", "I recently posted here trying to find help to afford my rent after having to pay for my transmission to be fixed. It depleted the little I finally was able to save. I was able to afford the rent too but it caused an overdraft of about $100. I'm asking for $175, this will cover the overdraft and negative balance and give me enough to buy groceries for the next week (this will include a bag of dog food.) I can send a picture of the receipt of what the money is spent on." ], "top_scores": [ 17.583221435546875, 17.03397560119629, 16.880388259887695, 16.86465835571289, 16.851064682006836 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the intersection of acute financial instability and the resulting psychological distress or feelings of being a burden.", "pearson_r": 0.825764716380443, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8787, "freq": 0.08970364136738918, "mean_pos": 3.868957281112671, "max_act": 11.841814041137695, "log_density": -1.04718992230772, "top_texts": [ "I have an answer for you. it is because he made you a part of his game. see, sociopaths will do anything and everything to manipulate others to make themselves happy. to feel liked, loved. mostly, they feed off of other people.", "What is the reason that keeps you alive? Mine is my family and my relatives. Like my dad and grandma would not take it if i for example commit suicide.\n(Sorry my bad english)", "What Are Your Reasons to Stay Alive? Someone asked me this once, what's holding me back from just ending it, & told me to hang on to that. I think my honest answer was my cats. It sounds pathetic, but they're pretty much all I have left now & they rely on me. I don't know what would happen to them if I were to die & I do love them very much. Can I ask you guys what keeps you going & what your take on this is? ", "Why do some mothers feel this way about their daughters? Like, what's the reason, what's the point?", "Yes I’ve been able to purely out of being forced to. I need to work to afford to survive afterall. And to spend time with my partner, because I can’t just neglect him even when I want to die. I have responsibilities and as shitty as I may feel, I still have to do them if I want to survive and survive for my partner." ], "top_scores": [ 11.841814041137695, 11.435663223266602, 11.430757522583008, 11.33202075958252, 11.30517292022705 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of identifying external reasons, responsibilities, or attachments that prevent suicide.", "pearson_r": -0.2944014520286957, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3953, "freq": 0.07419200764209521, "mean_pos": 4.659606456756592, "max_act": 18.60411262512207, "log_density": -1.1296428708604171, "top_texts": [ "Completely agree - to feel it all deeper, to drown myself completely into the inner world, focus and solitude are required. But I can wait for moments of silence being alone in my room.\n\nIt's normal that the inner world slides to the back of your mind as your brain cannot hold both world alive and in focus at the same time. Take it easy.", "Not being able to process what I am reading because my brain is going elsewhere and realizing how incredibly stupid I appear because of it. Whenever there is online training that must be done at work, I know it will be hell unless it's something I am genuinely interested in and my brain is willing to focus.", "Brain reset Ok so,\n\nI feel like I just need a brain reset. I've just started uni again and I feel like this is the worst I've ever been in terms of concentration. I cant even read a sentence without my brain wondering off into other thoughts. Normally I can get through a few paragraphs or, when I'm really focused, a few pages, but its just not happening. I feel like too much is going on in my life and my brain for it to slow down and focus on my studies. \n\nTonight I really felt like a brain reset. Like I need to do something that just clears my head and pulls my focus off the one trillion adult things I need to do and just... be. \n\nAny ideas? ", "Complete inability to concentrate or focus When I'm depressed (which I am currently) I literally cannot focus on anything for more than 5-10 minutes unless it's something I can do passively e.g. watching a movie. This causes a cycle because I get depressed from wasting time and not doing anything productive. What are other people's experiences of this? Any good advice on fixing it?", "I also have professional diagnoses of social anxiety disorder, avoidant personality disorder and major depressive disorder. However, I'm already working on those and yet, my ability to focus is still very poor. Despite having experienced significant improvement in motivation, it seems like my ability to focus and concentrate have not followed. Despite wanting and being motivated to engage in certain activities, the brain fog is too thick and I find myself struggling just as intensely as before to muster the very basic minimum amount of concentration to perform the most basic of activities, like reading or doing chores. " ], "top_scores": [ 18.60411262512207, 17.345033645629883, 17.167390823364258, 16.197940826416016, 15.964554786682129 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of cognitive impairment, specifically the inability to focus, concentrate, or process information due to mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.6358552291330393, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5105, "freq": 0.0746923829235563, "mean_pos": 4.56358003616333, "max_act": 18.244192123413086, "log_density": -1.1267236791564854, "top_texts": [ "Haven't gotten better or worse from reading or writing here. \n\nTo me this place is nothing more than a small community of people who have the same issues, and who are going through the same things. People I can identify with. \n\nThis is one of several posts I've seen now that somewhat complains about negativity, but that's the nature of this and many other anxious disorders and what often follows. Also keep in mind, the concept of the vocal minority. People are far more likely to post about anything that bothers them, compared to anything that does not. \n\nI for one enjoy reading about the good and the bad, because that keeps things real. ", "I don't think the users there are harsh from what I saw but I think the whole atmosphere they are preserving there (I think the moderators encourage it) is kinda unhelpful to be honest...and I think the moderators there are shady and harsh. I think some of the resources are good but I just mean the forum. I'm scared to post this here but I don't know where else would be good to ask so I'm taking the risk. It's just that they both seem to be such prominent forums for vulnerable people. So I just wanted to know if anyone else had similar thoughts about them?", "We have an active community with diverse interests and diagnoses. We do require that our members be people suffering from disorders rather than asking for advice on another's behalf. Our focus is on support, so we have 10+ support channels in which you can talk 1:1 with a support volunteer. We have lots of off-topic channels for creativity, physical health, meme-spam, and a daily-prompt for writing exercises. The Haven: Care when you need it, care for others when you can.", "You may post whatever you like here, but do keep in mind that you'll receive a lot more support and commiseration on NPD. ", "You're right, they probably have no one to share their sorrows with either. But don't you think this is shit as well? Having internet to only join a community where people feel like okay there's someone else out there who's better or worse than me and having to come to this forum at all to make yourself feel better?" ], "top_scores": [ 18.244192123413086, 16.645301818847656, 15.891850471496582, 15.584723472595215, 14.985827445983887 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents meta-commentary on the dynamics, moderation, and community culture of online mental health support forums.", "pearson_r": 0.7018835370301613, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5155, "freq": 0.08865740214251598, "mean_pos": 3.7944066524505615, "max_act": 14.060351371765137, "log_density": -1.0522849937381573, "top_texts": [ "Just start by doing one thing a day Depression is horrible, draining, exhausting, all-consuming. I’m living the experience and know all too well. The best piece of advice I can impart is to just set the goal of doing **one** thing a day. No need to set huge lavish goals, just start off with one small task. \n\nI highly recommend this goal to be brushing your teeth. \n\nFirstly, it gets you out of bed, even if it’s just for a brief second. Sometimes even just getting out of bed is enough of a change to bring about more energy and drive. \n\nSecond, it goes a long way to make you feel a little bit cleaner, a little bit more human. Then, if you feel a bit more like a person, it could lead you to accomplish more tasks, maybe a shower. After showering, nice and clean, maybe you’d feel like a walk? Who knows, use it as a gateway. \n\nLastly, dental health is really important and can go downhill very fast which could then lead to exacerbating your depression. ", "Did you breathe today? Have you taken a deep breath, or exploded in laughter today? Or did you slide out of bed and take a nice cosy shower? Or did you whisper words of self-love to yourself, letting your mind and body know that everything will be just fine. If you’ve done anything positive today, just know I’m proud of you. And if you haven’t, that’s brilliant, we always have TODAY to start. So take a deep breath right now, and tell yourself you’re beautiful because you most certainly are! I don’t know you but I’m proud of you for taking a step forward in supporting your own self. One day it will all be okay and today is only making you a stronger version of yourself so keep thriving!", "Hey, can you guys please help me? Its not as bad as you think. I just need advice how to start the day better or how to make the whole day a bit more positive. I really need a change before I fall even deeper in this rabbithole.\n\nHope you have a great day!", "“Win the morning, win the day.” \nThat’s my new motto. \n\nI found that if I haven’t even started getting any work done by a certain time - say 11am - I’d feel so bad about myself that it was almost impossible to get the day back on track. I was feeling too anxious and self critical. \n\nBut if I make sure I get a couple of work things done as soon as I get up, that stops my anxiety before it starts, and I’m more likely to keep working throughout the day, as a result. In fact, by 11am I’m probably feeling a little proud of myself for being in top of things, which is a nice change. \n\nSo if I win the morning, I often win the whole day, too. ", "Any tips to make each day easier? Frankly I’m tired of feeling this way and feeling bad for myself. What have you guys done to make it easier for yourself today and for the you tomorrow? Stuff like optimizing routines and making good habits easier to implement. I’m tired of all the useless or self destructive habits. \nAny tips would be greatly appreciated, I know I need to make a change and optimize my days to get better" ], "top_scores": [ 14.060351371765137, 12.959685325622559, 12.940009117126465, 12.92394733428955, 12.668264389038086 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the proactive pursuit of small, actionable strategies to improve daily functioning and mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.348732443942933, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 168, "freq": 0.04839993631587327, "mean_pos": 6.933231830596924, "max_act": 20.95846939086914, "log_density": -1.315155200822281, "top_texts": [ "ED woes Even my eating disorder has BPD, only knows binging or starving and nothing in between. I've been every size under the sun and never seem to be able to maintain a healthy one. ", "Ohhh yeah, I’ve definitely got disordered eating habits. I had to do bi-weekly weight checks for a while and was on a weight-gain diet, did pretty well but then ended up losing most of the weight I gained. Trying to gain back now. \n\nI’ve started making myself keep a food journal where I write down what I eat and what time I ate it. You can also include the calorie count if that isn’t triggering for you. Seeing everything I’ve eaten in a day written out on a page makes it much harder to ignore the severity of my messed-up eating habits; you don’t realize how much or how little you’re eating until you really see it all out in front of you. I didn’t realize how often I was consuming next to no calories and then having a glass of wine basically as my dinner, or that I do far better with my food intake on days when I actually start by eating breakfast, until I saw it all written down in front of me.", "ADHD meds and Eating Disorders I have had a history of binge eating disorder for many years. I was in therapy for few years while in college, but have recently graduated (YAY), so I no longer have that resource. I was diagnosed with ADHD about three years ago. I tried Adderall IR, and wasn't quite right for me. Been on Adderall XR for about 1.5 years and it's been wonderful for the most part. I've been able to focus, my anxiety has lessened, and I'm able to just *function*.\n\nUnfortunately, I'm now slipping into the other end of the spectrum and not intentionally. I've been just not wanting to eat. I know it isn't good for me, I was working out the other day and threw up nothing but bile because I had eaten what would barely constitute single meal, let alone an average day's worth of calories. Whenever I want to eat, I can eat a little bit, but then I get nauseous and physically cannot eat more.\n\nI don't have a new physician to see yet, but I'm working on it. I'm scared to say anything because the XR works so well for me in so many ways. I'm just frustrated and scared and sad right now. \n\nAny words of advice, encouragement, etc would be wonderful.\n\nThanks guys <3", "It's probably physically impossible to eat 400 calories in one pill/bite. That being said, a healthy dinner is going to be at least 400 calories, probably around double. Some folks suggested things like protein shakes and related things which are all great ideas, just be careful adding extra calories since APs are known to contribute to weight gain and for health reasons you don't want to add to that cycle.", "For me i focus on macros, allow myself to eat whatever i want in reasonable amounts, & make sure that my exercise is enjoyable. But the main thing that helped me was going no contact with people that triggered my eating disorder, working on recovering from trauma, & finding other ways to cope with my emotions. It’s a huge struggle, but finding what works for you is the only way to manage it. Even if it’s silly, like having sandwiches shaped like a teddy bear face or having a water bottle with a fun pattern. That’s something else I do. I also use children’s dishes much of the time because it helps me to eat more appropriate portions & eat slower" ], "top_scores": [ 20.95846939086914, 20.189903259277344, 20.16072654724121, 19.814189910888672, 19.760751724243164 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of managing disordered eating behaviors and nutritional challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.6530930192281702, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2594, "freq": 0.06991607341870039, "mean_pos": 4.735542297363281, "max_act": 17.733243942260742, "log_density": -1.1554229640429492, "top_texts": [ "As someone who struggles with addiction this is exactly why I stay away from ALL hard drugs, and it's not that it hasn't been offered many times. But if I am this way with alcohol, I can only imagine how much fucking worse I would be if I got into hard drugs. I had a friend who got into them, and then got clean, but she was never the same. And it was really sad cause she got into them, the same time I got into rehab the first time. My. Country is known for its meth, its easier to buy than weed, and Im always thankful I had that hard line with this stuff.", "Having a hard time getting sober I've been dealing with depression and anxiety since i was probably about 17 years old. I'm not 26 years old I recently had a very bad toxic break up with my ex girlfriend and my alcohol and drug use has gotten out of control. I've been in a self destructive downward spiral since the break happened and I need to get sober. I'm afraid that my drug use is fucking up my brain and my mental state and that i'm not going to be able to reverse what damage I have done. All these things compounding together has made my depression and anxiety much worse. Does anybody have any experiences/advice with getting sober and how did it help your anxiety, depression, mental state etc...\n\n", "Yikes sorry to hear. I had an opioid addiction I thought I was hiding until I overdosed by accidental woke up in the hospital with CPS issuing a 45 safety plan. Fortunately I was able to get sober because it was so painful realizing what I had done to them. This is this problem with drugs, you can’t predict what will happen. But something bad will if you keep using. Good luck it’s hard but it’s even harder to risk losing your kids. I’m telling you that pain alone you can not even imagine it. It’s not worth it.", "These memories are horrible things I’ve done when I was emotionally numb during my drug addiction that I pulled myself out of a couple years ago.", "I have several addictions. Just because *you* don't get addicted doesn't mean everyone else is like that. You don't have to have empathy to realize that it's just common sense. OP is trying to overcome addiction so telling them to do crack is stupid." ], "top_scores": [ 17.733243942260742, 16.641887664794922, 16.35275650024414, 15.846683502197266, 15.513591766357422 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the personal experience of substance use disorder and the struggle to maintain sobriety.", "pearson_r": 0.6343271657163209, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3212, "freq": 0.09052243728250733, "mean_pos": 3.643742084503174, "max_act": 14.71508502960205, "log_density": -1.0432437565469974, "top_texts": [ "Depression is making me dumb \n\nWhy does depression always make me feel really stupid? Basic functions have become really difficult. For example I can’t put words into a coherent sentence when talking to someone. The words in my head make sense, but as soon as they leave my mouth they make zero sense to anyone. It’s as if I’m speaking in another language. Even doing simple problem solving or basic reasoning tasks have become extreme challenges. Why does it feel like my brain is slowing down?", "or also, sometimes my brain can't seem to put words into context for me to understand what someone is saying. like the words arent'attached to a concrete meaning so my brain interprets it as nonsense, basically. it feels like they're speaking a foreign language or something.", "Me too! I've gotten so bad at talking \"clean\" the past three years, words just sort of fall into each other, some words just get completely left out, I sometimes stutter, pronounce words wrong all of the time - it sounds like I'm rambling and talking in a very high speed, but I'm really just telling a simple, short story to someone lol", "i often find myself really struggling to find coherent words and putting together coherent sentences to express what i want to say. not only that but i lose my train of thought mid-sentence and it becomes extremely difficult or even impossible to get it back. these two things frequently happen together and compound on each other.", "But now, my cognitive processes feel so scrambled up and sluggish. I get so confused sometimes I have trouble filling out simple forms or answering questions on the phone. I'm in my 3rd year at a major university but my brain feels so messed up I don't know if I'll be able to finish. Does anyone else experience this? Have you found anything that helps?" ], "top_scores": [ 14.71508502960205, 14.006952285766602, 12.662766456604004, 12.288596153259277, 11.946245193481445 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of cognitive impairment and linguistic dysfunction associated with depression.", "pearson_r": 0.2938602305450768, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 830, "freq": 0.05620124184047126, "mean_pos": 5.822208881378174, "max_act": 17.449371337890625, "log_density": -1.2502540802887616, "top_texts": [ "Absolutely not! Anyone who abuses you does not love or respect you. Leave now. The peace you will feel is priceless. Been there done that. Now happily married and can not believe all the time I waisted being miserable when there are actually good people out there. You’re just telling yourself you love him bc your brain isn’t working correctly anymore. You will have brain fog for a little while and it will be hard to get your life together but it’s possible! Just be patient. One day you will realize you’re actually happy again and feel normal again. You won’t realize how unhappy you are right now until later , when you start to heal. He is going to get violent with you it’s just a matter of when. And then you’ll have to ask yourself are you OK with that? My 80-year-old great aunt was killed by her abusive husband. Crazy people do not just turn sane one day.", "Ive been with a person who did not speak up when they even agreed their friend wad abusive towards me. So long as it was aimed at me, he had no problem with it, and only had a go at her, when she had a go at him first, and he had to defend to himself to her. Even then he didnt say a single thing about the abuse towards me. And is still friends with her till this day. Unfortunately cause I was being abused so severely I didn't see his actions for what they were, and was just thankful to have him as a 'safe space'.. And when it happened again, I was shocked this time as he not only didnt stand up for me, he joined in.. Alot of people wont speak up unless it effects them directly and in a real way... Which it didnt for him, till she considered divorce....", "fragments-- a poem about abuse a reflection on an abusive relationship, circa 2 years ago: \n\nI do not remember \n\nwhen his true nature was revealed \n\npiece by piece over time\n\nor within the blink of an eye?\n\nI do not remember\n\nwhen the cleverly shrouded charm\n\nwas repealed\n\nand in its place stood impending harm\n\nI do not remember \n\nwhen the kiss from his lips\n\nwas so seamlessly replaced\n\nby the sting of his fist\n\nPerhaps it’s for the best\n\nthat my memory fails me\n\nOriginally posted on my wordpress: https://bipolargod.home.blog/", "Hi everyone. For a few months now I haven't been able to get this off my mind. My abuser was my cousin who is 5-7 years older than me(24F). He is very close to my brother and father. His dad is a wonderful person and my favorite uncle.", "I'm just so angry that I'm still dealing with this. The abuse happened 10 years ago. My abuser lives a normal life and doesn't have to deal with the shit I go through every day. I'm just so angry. Thanks for reading." ], "top_scores": [ 17.449371337890625, 17.20124626159668, 16.265167236328125, 16.214736938476562, 16.062862396240234 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies experiences of interpersonal abuse and the lingering emotional impact of abusive relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.29291021217310387, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3469, "freq": 0.06193281324629836, "mean_pos": 5.147525310516357, "max_act": 19.887914657592773, "log_density": -1.2080791850660166, "top_texts": [ "Right and that having normal emotions is actually helpful not a burden. You have to have a balance between the emotional and logical mind. Emotions tell you instantly how you feel about something your logic helps you process them and decide if or not to act on them. If one or the other is missing you are playing shotrthanded. I don’t see how lacking emotions is any benefit at all unless you blindly act on them and that’s not what normal people do.", "An emotional suicide I've never been great with putting my emotions into words, however I just wrote this little short. Figured I'd share it with anyone who cared to read it. \n\n****\n\nThe air had suddenly become dense; feeling as though a million bricks had been placed upon her chest, hindering her every breath. A foreign emotion grasped onto her soul, ripping her apart, little by little, piece by piece. With every breath she could muster, she screamed to the heavens - a cry for help that fell upon deaf ears time and time again. \n\nScars from battles of her past reopened upon her arms, bleeding out the very emotion she no longer recognized. The blood shed seemed to override the solace that her tears once provided. \n\nShe dreamt of a field covered in white. A single breeze with the strength to freeze time - yearning for a tranquil moment to last forever. Her vision dissipated before it could even begin by the darkness that consumed her entire being. \n\nThe flag to signal her defeat had long been buried - her will to fight growing bleak. She succumbed to an emotional suicide - a demise more extraordinary than ceasing to exist could ever compare.", "Yes, but this was my point from the beginning. Emotions are not a bad thing in and of themselves it’s when people can’t control them or they overpower your logical side. You have a (Had 😒)BPD tag so this is exactly what I meant by disordered emotional response vs healthy. It’s an important distinction to make, it’s not healthy or ideal to deny your emotions they are there if you acknowledge them or not and they leak out in unhealthy ways instead of a normal healthy way", "The emotional aspect to ADHD is massively understated The title says it all. The emotional aspect of ADHD need to be studied further because from research and personal experience, I have found that it is one of the greater parts to ADHD. Emotional dysregulation, impulsively, anger issues, frustration, intense emotions have all been constantly found amongst those with ADHD. If we want to further our support, and improve our understanding of this condition, we must increase our research in this field.", "As far as elaborating, I think that our emotions as people with this disorder (or any type of disorder) are there just to protect us. Like an overprotective parent. " ], "top_scores": [ 19.887914657592773, 17.759122848510742, 17.699682235717773, 17.002948760986328, 16.7132568359375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and regulation of emotions as distinct from logical or cognitive processes.", "pearson_r": 0.6442594529042236, "pred_f1": 0.7692307692307693 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1484, "freq": 0.07955966975231424, "mean_pos": 4.004454135894775, "max_act": 17.181236267089844, "log_density": -1.0993070228169457, "top_texts": [ "The cause isn't known with certainty. Could be a mix of genetics and childhood circumstances. Some conceptualizations describe caretakers/parents who do not manage to meet the emotional needs of the infant as a risk factor for the child developing it. This might mean abuse or neglect, but could just as easily meant a parent with emotional limitations of their own.", "Trauma, neglect and/or abuse in early childhood. All personality disorders are linked to something happening to you in the years where personality is formed, which disturbs said formation.\nGenetics may be a factor, but so far it's not \"just\" genetics, environmental factors play a major role in how a person develops.", "The disorder developed gradually, but signs started showing pretty early on. The cause is probably the family dynamics of my childhood. My siblings are similar in some regards, although I wouldn't say they are disordered. At the same time, some other family members displayed similar behavior to mine, but I am not sure whether that means anything.", "Where did you think your BPD stemmed from? Just want to hear others’ stories. I’m pretty sure mine came from being raised by my seemingly borderline father. I share a lot of traits with him even though I hated our relationship growing up and it sucks :(", "I agree, but we don't know what causes personality disorders. There's no direct causal link between trauma or even genetics. Experts say that there's correlating evidence that suggests genetics and environment both account for development (50% each). From what I've read, without genetics or temperament the disorders wouldn't form even when exposed to trauma. Also, there's some evidence to suggest that some Avoidants experienced no childhood trauma at all. We know people with cluster C disorders experience less trauma when compared to the other clusters. Anyways, it appears to be both genetics and environmental factors." ], "top_scores": [ 17.181236267089844, 17.097347259521484, 16.764190673828125, 15.313714981079102, 15.169097900390625 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the etiology and developmental origins of personality disorders, specifically focusing on the interplay between childhood trauma, family dynamics, and genetics.", "pearson_r": 0.5984873720496732, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4934, "freq": 0.059135260536311324, "mean_pos": 5.369999408721924, "max_act": 20.895294189453125, "log_density": -1.2281534781034253, "top_texts": [ "So sick of forgetting EVERYTHING It feels like my short term memory is non-existent sometimes. I can’t remember names immediately after they are said, I walk into rooms and cannot remember why I was there, I leave important items like my phone and keys in random places and can’t remember where I left them. It’s *incredibly* frustrating. I think I’ve gotten in the car to go somewhere, resized I forgot “X” run back in the house to get it, run back to the car only to remember I forgot *another* item, rinse, repeat...only to remember halfway to my destination that I forgot the important item and the reason for my trip in the first place. Goldfish have an excellent memory compared to me, I swear 🙄", "Do you have giant memory lapses? I'm currently 28 and my roommate brought up something about high school last night and I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I thought about it and honestly I don't remember really any of it. I could list off facts of my past like a laundry list, but I don't remember any feelings I had or thoughts that went through my head. I don't particularly remember having a good OR bad time. Even my early twenties I don't remember at all. It all feels like something that I dreamed about once but never actually happened. I don't think I blocked it all out, there's nothing particularly traumatic.\n\nDo others have huge gaps in memory?", "Does anyone else have no memories of their past? I thought it was only because I was young. But it seems like I can’t remember most stuff even if it was last year. When I’ll think about a time frame, I only remember the same 2-3 stuff nothing else come to my mind.\n\nYesterday I was in a place I already went (I think it was two years ago on a date with a guy) and it felt like it was in another life. I don’t remember anything. If I try to remember the guy, there’s only 2-3 memories that comes to my mind. And it’s always the same. \n\nIs it normal?", "We all think we have bad memories In reality, we just choose to forget and forget anything relating to the memory. If anyone asks us why we can't remember, it is just because we don't want to admit we remember it. I realized that I will never forget. Everything that happened will be never be forgotten but it eases my mind to act as if I forgetten. We try to lie to ourselves with a lie we don't believe.", "I am the same way. I am so forgetful that memories become so foggy that I can't tell if it even happened and then poof it's gone. \nI wish we could all share our notes, compare patterns, obsessions whatever.\nThat's the stuff I came here for.\n" ], "top_scores": [ 20.895294189453125, 20.734529495239258, 20.450803756713867, 20.15293312072754, 19.769086837768555 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of cognitive impairment, specifically regarding memory loss and the inability to recall past events.", "pearson_r": 0.602810824901349, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8417, "freq": 0.05513225828462256, "mean_pos": 5.725834369659424, "max_act": 18.362573623657227, "log_density": -1.2585942100467606, "top_texts": [ "College I’ve been having serious problems with my university. The college I attend doesn’t have the nicest people and as an introvert it’s extremely hard to make new friends with people. I’ve had a mental breakdown earlier because I realised that I don’t know if I want to stay in my current major partly because of gpa (my cumulative gpa is a 3.0 but my major gpa is a 2.3). I’ve been getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I’m trying to seek the help of a college therapist but I’m not sure if I can fit that into my schedule. I’ve worked so hard to not be a failure almost my entire life but now I just feel like I’m a failure.", "I suck at college I have really bad ADHD so it’s hard to pay attention to things when it comes to planning things out, and I’m also a 1st generation college student so it’s been even more hard figuring out all of this stuff on my own. Here’s what my week has looked like so far: \n\n1. Registered for my classes 4 days before semester started, didn’t get any good classes which is totally my fault for not doing this earlier.\n\n2. Got my classes dropped 2 days before semester started for some reason because I payed the fees the next day. They said I had to pay within 24 hours so not sure why that happened\n\n3. Registered for my classes again, got an email saying I was dropped from my classes on Sunday and was waiting for the school to open on Monday to call and ask if I really was dropped because I still had my schedule online, turns out I was still enrolled and I didn’t go in that day bc I thought I was dropped \n\n4. Also didn’t go in for the rest of my classes on Monday whenever they said I was still enrolled due to the fact I thought classes started on the 27th for some reason so I wasn’t prepared at all and didn’t have supplies 🤦‍♀️\n\n5. Came an hour early today so I could make sure I found the right class and be prepared for this class, professor wasn’t there when class started, so I preceded to wait outside the class for 30 min until I realized this class starts in September.\n\nWith that being said, I’m buying a calendar and taking my adderall again because this has been a mess and my ADHD makes me feel so unprepared for everything", "College sucks College is making me feel so stupid and I just want to give up on everything. I hate the area where I am currently living and don't even know if the classes I am taking are right for me. I feel like I just waste money by paying for rent and the classes that I am failing. I have trouble socializing so I don't have any friends which simply adds on to the depression. I have trouble sleeping at night and I cant stop crying. These thoughts are killing me and I don't know what to do with my life. ", "College isn’t over for us and we still have hope. Keep doing your best to be your best, both academically and mentally. Take care of yourself and realize that you’re far more effective in any class, volunteer position, leadership role, etc. when you tend to your own basic needs first.", "Did i chose the wrong college? I feel like i chose the wrong college,\nI am 4 years now there and i don't really like it(i know sounds stupid) but at the same time i want to finish it but i just can't, and also i don't have job, and i'm having everyone push me to finish so i could get a job lolololol.\nYou don't imagine how difficult it is to finish an IT college, and after 4 years realizing that my path is not there.....\nThe first 2 years were good(not bad not perfect) after that it was down hill for me....\nI don't even know how i managed to get in there in the first place(from freaking studying like no tomorrow, but now i dont feel in a mood for that)....\nWhat should i do? what do you think?\nshould i just give it up and search for a job and make some money,\nI dont know what should i do.... With my calculations, i will finnish in 2 or 3 years from now which is 6 years overall...\n\nI'm really really desperate, i think thats why i'm writing here...\n\np.s : Sorry for my English vocabulary and grammar" ], "top_scores": [ 18.362573623657227, 18.10551643371582, 17.097610473632812, 16.887983322143555, 16.801937103271484 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of academic distress, including feelings of inadequacy, confusion, and burnout related to the college environment.", "pearson_r": 0.6378676791513624, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 243, "freq": 0.07128073327723065, "mean_pos": 4.250218868255615, "max_act": 16.619121551513672, "log_density": -1.1470278351930254, "top_texts": [ "What’s the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? I just wonder what the difference is so that I can pick the right one to go to.", "Heya I have been diagnosed with both PPD and generalized anxiety. The difference between the two for me are how specific they are. When I am paranoid, I have specific worry about being harmed which can lead me to doing avoidant or protective behavior. When I have anxiety, I tend to worry about more generalized things, like what people think of me or my own actions. They cross over in a lot of ways, they both can make me over generalize and fear about the future. Paranoia is just more specific to harm and fear of more serious actions against me, rather than anxiety which can make me fear how other perceive me.", "Did they explain any key differences by any chance? Like something that definitively leaned the diagnosis to one over the other?", "Been there. I don't know how I'm supposed to explain the difference if I've never had OCD. I assume the difference is how it feels internally. Like, motivation for doing everything \"the right way\". I've heard for people with OCD it's intrusive thoughts \"forcing\" them to do something. And they're really distressed by them and want them gone. While for me, I'm not distressed at all. Yes, objectively OCPD does have a negative impact on my life, but my actions feel reasonable and natural. It's a part of my personality.", "Difference between BPD and an Abandonment/Attachment Disorder? Hello!\n\nI’m wondering what the difference between BPD and an abandonment/attachment disorder is. I know there are other things involved in BPD, but I’m curious as to how much they play a role according to people who would actually know, and not an article just outlining the definition " ], "top_scores": [ 16.619121551513672, 15.74911880493164, 15.441614151000977, 14.672513961791992, 14.436960220336914 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies inquiries or discussions regarding the clinical differentiation between mental health diagnoses or professional roles.", "pearson_r": 0.6491810257257452, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1427, "freq": 0.07300930243136898, "mean_pos": 4.113312721252441, "max_act": 16.946626663208008, "log_density": -1.1366217950649764, "top_texts": [ "Participation in this study is voluntary and participants may withdraw from the study at any time without penalty. This study has been approved by Texas Woman’s University Institutional Review Board. Please click on the following link to view the informed consent document and to participate in the study: There is a potential risk of loss of confidentiality in all email, downloading, and Internet transactions.", "You are being invited to participate in a research study for Heather Cornett’s dissertation at Texas Woman’s University. The purpose of the current study is to examine the role of self-advocacy in those with a severe and persistent mental illness (SPMI) and how it relates to self-stigma and life satisfaction. The research is intended to supply the researcher with information about strategies that could improve life satisfaction in individuals diagnosed with an SPMI. Completion time for the survey is approximately 15-25 minutes. Participants are only allowed to participate once in the current study.", "The first veteran to participate in the study received the marijuana on Monday at theScottsdale Research Institute in Phoenix, Arizona, the release stated. The study is taking place in two locations: in Phoenix, led by Dr. Sue Sisley, and at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, led by Ryan Vandrey. The study is recruiting adult military veterans who have experienced trauma during military service. Screening for volunteers began in January. Volunteers will complete 17 outpatient visits to one of the study location clinics in a 12-week period, with a follow-up visit in six months.", "If you wish to contribute to the academic research and have 10 spare minutes please participate in our online experiment.This is a survey that includes a short video, so please make sure you have audio/video on. More information on the video content is included in the informed consent. Please read it carefully prior to taking the survey.The results of the study will be included in academic publication and a PhD thesis.If you can help us, simply follow the link: We are looking forward to your responses.", "Origins of depression brought into focus in large-scale gene study Hundreds of genes have been newly linked to depression, shedding light on the origins of the condition and highlighting personality types that could be at risk.\n\nThe international study, involving more than two million people, is the largest of its kind. It could inform treatments for the condition, which affects one in five people in the UK and is the leading cause of disability worldwide.\n\n[https://mrc.ukri.org/news/browse/origins-of-depression-brought-into-focus-in-large-scale-gene-study/?utm\\_medium=email&utm\\_source=govdelivery](https://mrc.ukri.org/news/browse/origins-of-depression-brought-into-focus-in-large-scale-gene-study/?utm_medium=email&utm_source=govdelivery)" ], "top_scores": [ 16.946626663208008, 14.978676795959473, 14.775212287902832, 14.46585464477539, 14.191064834594727 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies formal academic research recruitment and clinical study reporting.", "pearson_r": 0.2234168980998002, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9316, "freq": 0.05415425205267587, "mean_pos": 5.54217529296875, "max_act": 18.15913963317871, "log_density": -1.2663674299938679, "top_texts": [ "Yep. Even with the same disorder, there's still a ton of difference between me and the other people I either know are diagnosed or just have traits at the very least. I believe that with the right person I could fall in love. I know another diagnosed friend of mine has been in multiple relationships and described his feelings as \"obsessive\" about them, so while I don't know if he considers that love, he still clearly wanted more than to just manipulate them.\n\nLike you said, maybe we don't love the same way. I platonically love some very close friends, they genuinely mean a lot to me, I'd do whatever I can to help them. But on the flipside, I don't really care about most of my family members at all. I have to wonder if when a sociopath loves someone it doesn't mean more than when a \"normal\" person does it. It's not just a default love you're supposed to have. But I'm just saying that from the perspective of the fucked up one, so I don't have any idea as to what that cookie cutter love you mentioned is like in comparison.", "I agree. For me, especially if I'm in relationship at the moment I'll refer to the \"love\" as the feeling of familiarity and/ or attraction while it lasts - and I do it purely for my inner integrity purposes. It would be hard to say that I love someone thinking of it as a 100% lie so it's just easier to re-define it for my own purposes. \n\nBeing in multiple more and less successful relationships lasting couple months to several years, I'd say for me true \"love\" doesn't exist, to the point where I'm incapable to believe that others can actually \"truly\" love. I can't even imagine putting someone else needs above yours and being truly able to sacrifice something for loved one without expecting, or even worse, knowing that there will be nothing in return - so I can't imagine others being capable of that neither.", "Why can't I feel/distinguish love? I've been thinking about it for months, years even. The only time I feel what people describe as love (familial, romantic, platonic--every single kind) is when spending time with animals, what I know is a familial sort of love. \n\nBut with people? I don't feel anything different between my family or friends, or even acquaintances. It all just feels the same. I feel like something is wrong with me and I'm fucked up. I'm not like a sociopath or anything; I feel a lot of guilt and regret. Yet I don't know if I can distinguish love. \n\nI am a survivor of very severe abuse and trauma, and I'd guess that's probably why, but I feel so guilty for not being able to feel how I should. Does anyone have any advice?", "Don't believe it when they say 'you can't love others unless you love yourself' That kind of thinking only cuts you off from a path that might aid your recovery. Of course, being able to love yourself would be huge, I'm in no way trying to discourage that. But, when depressed, it can very hard, often impossible to love yourself. Even in the darkest pit of self-loathing, you are still capable of loving if you open yourself to it. Start with an animal, a pet if you have one. If you don't, go to an animal shelter, even if you can't adopt one, and spend time with the animals. Animals are much easier to love because they don't judge and their capacity for accepting love seems endless.\n\nTake care of yourself and support each other. We’re all in this shit together.", "I think that the way I love is wrong Hi, I've decided to post here just to try to calm down a little bit, thinking about being loved is a thing that really affects me so much that I think that I'm a fail as a human being.\n\nBasically I don't think the way I love people is right and I can't change it, even if I try REALLY HARD. As I see from personal experience, friends relates and internet in general is that being assertive when you find \"the one\", assertive in the sense that I need to show what I want, like sex or something like that.\n\nBut I think that's so different from me because:\n\n1- I can't love a person just meeting the person one time or even more (like in some weeks or so). Normally I tend to take a time before liking someone (just had like 2 experiences in life, in the first time took 1 year and in the second took like 8 months);\n\n2- I really dont know if I'm just asexual or not, but I express love just staying with the person and showing affection. Feeling sexual attraction isn't something really common to me, I feel it but it's very rare.\n\nWith that, I see other people talking things like: \"just don't be her friend, go for what you want\", \"stop orbiting\", \"like this you are going to be friendzoned\", and these kinds of thing makes me feel as failure not just in a societal sense but in a biological too as I can't love someone so fast and I'm not a \"seduction person\". I love a person because of the person, I think it's more about a emotional attraction, not a sexual one. This feeling of being inappropriate and hate against myself is tearing me up.\n\nI think that in general I feel like I will never be loved like this.\n\nI'm just posting here because I'm having a panic attack and writing calms me down, I would like to hear other people's thoughts." ], "top_scores": [ 18.15913963317871, 17.865612030029297, 17.78704071044922, 17.253082275390625, 17.158538818359375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal struggle and cognitive dissonance regarding the capacity to experience or define romantic and interpersonal love.", "pearson_r": 0.5258161442813564, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6954, "freq": 0.05467737166511247, "mean_pos": 5.4790825843811035, "max_act": 20.077056884765625, "log_density": -1.2621923621447722, "top_texts": [ "Sometimes depression/anxiety can manifest in anger. I asked google why I was always angry and I got a bunch of articles about it.", "Feeling angry I’ve been on different medications for the past couple of months and am noticing how irritable and angry I’ve been feeling since I started.\nI’ve always had issues with anger especially when I am feeling down and frustrated but it has become increasingly worse. I’ve been getting angry at normal comments and behaviour from my family and friends and it’s stressing me and also them a lot. Finding it incredibly difficult to conceal my frustrations especially since it is so irrational. \nNot sure if anyone else has had similar experiences. Not sure if any mediation is right for me, which would be a massive bummer since I am tired of feeling so depressed and was hoping something would have worked by now. \n", "Can depression manifest as constant anger? So I recently realized that I’m basically angry all the time. I’m angry at the world for being shit, I’m angry at my friends for minor slights, I’m angry at myself for being angry. My baseline emotion has become quietly bubbling anger, like a constant high level grumpiness. Sometimes it dips down into numbing sadness, which is what I imagine “traditional” depression feels like. I’m pretty good at masking this shit, but it’s getting really hard and I’m sick of being mad all the time.\n\nP.S. I’m also on antidepressants already for an unrelated issue.", "I don’t know how to deal with all my built up anger. Always randomly out of nowhere I get to the point where I feel like days or weeks worth of anger has built up to the point where I can’t handle it. I used to punch things, whether a wall, my car, a tree. The pain after somehow made the anger go away. I know it’s not smart or healthy to react that explosively, but now that I’ve stopped I just feel anger building more and more with no way to release it. It is starting to eat me up inside and makes me want to drive my car into a canal. Does anyone else get these moments where you feel like you need to explode? If so, what do you do?", "Sudden overwhelming anger with no cause? Sometimes I will be studying in the library, when out of nowhere I'm hit with this surge of rage that makes me want to scream or cry. For a few seconds, I can't really think of anything else but this immensely uncomfortable feeling inside the pit of my stomach. It's never directed at anyone and I do not lash out. I just sit there fidgeting and clenching my feet, become incredibly restless .\n\nUsually I will walk around a bit and then go to the bathroom which somehow seems to help even if I don't need to use it. Idk why. Maybe that is a TMI but does anyone else have sudden fits of inwardly directed rage with no cause or conclusion? It just kind of goes away and I can continue with my life.\n\nI rarely feel this kind of anger, even when someone is irritating me or making me upset. THe closest I've had to this in the past is when I am cooking something that doesn't turn out the way I expected it to. I get really mad and then smoosh it all up which makes me feel better. Super random and illogical but yeah." ], "top_scores": [ 20.077056884765625, 19.203054428100586, 19.08782196044922, 18.843891143798828, 18.815448760986328 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of intense, sudden, or persistent irritability and anger as a symptom of underlying mental distress.", "pearson_r": 0.8292082555976409, "pred_f1": 0.9 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1850, "freq": 0.0751927582050174, "mean_pos": 3.979853630065918, "max_act": 14.161165237426758, "log_density": -1.1238239784071524, "top_texts": [ "Make sure to practice self care and take some time for yourself, somewhere in there.", "Edit: Also, it is good to remember that everyone has their own life and we cannot expect them make us their main priority 24/7. It is just not possible. Giving space to others, and to yourself, is very healthy.", "You need to take responsibility for your own life and health, but you can do this.", "Just make sure you're not just obediently following another person that you see as an authority figure. You get to choose what you do and do not want, and that's also something you have to get used to.", "Give yourself some time and some grace to figure out what will work best for you." ], "top_scores": [ 14.161165237426758, 13.783356666564941, 13.469437599182129, 13.374719619750977, 13.153136253356934 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the promotion of personal autonomy, self-responsibility, and healthy self-care boundaries.", "pearson_r": 0.5846560712059717, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7444, "freq": 0.08424500193326813, "mean_pos": 3.510519027709961, "max_act": 9.928854942321777, "log_density": -1.0744558502532968, "top_texts": [ "What an experience, thank you so much for sharing and for the advice. This sub is such a rich source of information with a wealth of of different experiences. I think you are right, and I will be discussing it at my next appointment, if not for\nMinor adjustments in my treatment, but for everything to be accounted for. I agree with the diagnosis initially for the most part, but I feel like there is just a piece missing. Thanks again!", "The specialist I saw about BPD actually recommended this one to me, and I forgot about it until now! I'll have to go check it out. Thanks!", "I've had it nearly 10 years thanks to some meds. And found nothing that actually helps or any specific thing that sets it off because it was caused by meds rather than coming along naturally.", "This is the best description of this problem I think I've ever read. It's so relatable it makes me wince thinking about a conversation I had at work on Tuesday. \n\nNo idea what to suggest, sorry. I'm hoping to maybe find a therapist this year, and try to untangle some of this.", "Any medications you recommend? After being off my medication for a few months and even then when i had it it didn’t seem to help and when I went back to the dr they just kept telling me some shit brands. I’m going back to the dr this upcoming week and I would like to know if any of you have gotten any luck with stuff like this " ], "top_scores": [ 9.928854942321777, 9.86225700378418, 9.368457794189453, 9.326519012451172, 9.07112979888916 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the clinical management of mental health through medication, professional therapy, and medical appointments.", "pearson_r": -0.04911437594449353, "pred_f1": 0.26666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9916, "freq": 0.057133759410466944, "mean_pos": 5.11325740814209, "max_act": 19.464597702026367, "log_density": -1.2431071907518079, "top_texts": [ "It depends on the individual. Some people might appreciate it if you offer to keep them company on a visit to the grave, or to some significant place. Some might want to talk about it, some might not want to at all. They might need some distraction, so you could offer to do something that will take their focus off the loss. Or they might just need a message saying you're thinking about them. You could offer these as options and see what they'd prefer.", "When I'm in a situation where other people pass away (hospitals, movie/tv, funerals), I go into full breakdown mode. I posted this over in r/depression but I recognize and understand that I have a problem so big, I need to reach out anywhere I can. Below is my post from [the depression subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/asz73k/i_go_into_a_full_breakdown_i_see_someone_pass_in/). \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI'm not looking for pity. I feel horrible enough on a regular basis, I don't need to confirm by other people how bad I feel. What I want is help. What I NEED help. I need ideas on how to cope with this in a reasonable way. Help me please. Therapy groups (I'm in the greater Cincinnati, OH area), you tube videos, yoga, I don't care what it is, I'll try any and all of it to make myself feel better and stop these fever dreams that turn into nightmares of my father dying over and over again in my arms, never being able to make good and say my peace.\n\n&#x200B;\n\n&#x200B;\n\n&#x200B;\n\nOG post:\n\n&#x200B;\n\nA few years back, my father was diagnosed with a rare 1 / 10 million chance of cancer on the muscle and ventricle sac (a nebulous bubble, like that which surrounds a child in the womb) with stage 4 heart cancer, right after he received a successful triple heart bypass surgery. Doctors said that if they had never done the bypass, that type of cancer was basically undetectable and he would have passed without any warning.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAs for me, I was so scared of the triple bypass that the fact that he had cancer didn't quite register at first, until the doctor sat us down and really told us what was what. After all, many of my relatives had had cancer, and they ended up OK. Once they said it was in late stage \"6-months to live\" territory, and no possible surgery for heart transplants was viable, that's when I buried my head in the sand and just pretended it didn't happen. I squandered my time ignoring the problem, never visiting my family and pretending life was normal. Denial was my drug of choice.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nFast forward to 11 days after my 30th birthday, and I had made it just in time to the hospital (after lying on my couch in the basement trying to convince myself that my father would be fine that day, I didn't need to go visit), I got an urgent call from my younger brother... I needed to be there, right now. I made it just in time to the hospital to hold my father's hand while he passed away.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nTo this day, anytime I see a movie or watch a show where someone passes away and someone else holds their hand or is comforting then when they pass, I break down near uncontrollably, flashing back with near perfect memory to that moment. The look on my mom's face, the shriek in her voice, seeing the shine disappear in my dad's eyes, and the coldness in his fingers even before he passed. It paralyzes me in a way that nothing else really does, and turns me into a giant ball of snot, fear, regret and a boat-load of anger at myself for not doing anything earlier, which only tends to feed back into itself like the monster that it is. I need help, i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need help i need hlp.", "I feel like I am lost. It has been one week since my mother has passed away from cancer. At first, I had mixed feelings since I was sad she died but happy that she was finally at peace. Recently, I have noticed a change in my behaviour. I have become more lazy and forgetting to do homework for school (I am in first year university). I have a younger sibling in high school and I feel like I need to \"man up\" and start being more like an adult. But I am confused as to where/what I should do, focus on studies and be strong in front of my sibling or give into my sadness and see a counselor. My father, recently, has been very mad towards me with my laziness towards school and he critiques me for everything I do. \n\nI feel like Robin Williams' character in \"Good Will Hunting\" when he references the painting he drew of a guy on a boat and how he felt as though he was lost at sea, not knowing what would happen next. I also do not know what is going to happen next and I feel lost, scared and sad. ", "I have known her for several years and we are somewhat close but not \"best friends\". She confided in me that her brother died and I want to be there for her in any way that I can. I currently live 5+ hrs away from where she lives so I can't physically be there for her. Are there any sayings that I should avoid or use? What helped you after the loss of a loved one?", "However, I don't think FMLA applies to the death of a loved one unless you can tie it into something else that is covered." ], "top_scores": [ 19.464597702026367, 18.481332778930664, 18.44042205810547, 17.91413116455078, 17.771692276000977 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of grief and bereavement following the death of a loved one.", "pearson_r": 0.5953874337933397, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2127, "freq": 0.07796756658402892, "mean_pos": 3.7229535579681396, "max_act": 15.582292556762695, "log_density": -1.1080860145969753, "top_texts": [ "I don't interact with most people on a level deep enough for me to accurately gauge what they think of me, nor do I really care. As long as I'm not hurting anybody, things are fine.", "I don't care about other people. I know that people usually dislike me, but I really don't care what they think. I don't live for them.", "I wouldn't say that, no. I generally avoid people and get along pretty well with the ones I do decide to let in.", "I can understand the misanthropic nature of some posters here, but I don't relate to it myself. As far as I'm concerned, people are okay as long as they're letting me do my thing.", "But I like to think I'm very personable, because I like to make people like me. So I laugh and joke and compliment them, etc. Being mean gets me negative reactions, being nice gives me the key to the city." ], "top_scores": [ 15.582292556762695, 15.121030807495117, 14.477581977844238, 12.865896224975586, 12.507511138916016 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a detached or instrumental attitude toward social interaction and interpersonal validation.", "pearson_r": 0.196176027072742, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8665, "freq": 0.052607637546341575, "mean_pos": 5.498377799987793, "max_act": 18.054725646972656, "log_density": -1.2789511923923602, "top_texts": [ "Interesting. I have the same issue but I've found I can be sexual in the context of my own space by using porn. When anyone else is involved I shut down in shame and negative pre programmed beliefs from the religion I was raised in", "I used to be somewhat repulsed, and even thought of myself as asexual when I was a teenager. Honestly, the first few times were pretty repulsive in some areas, especially giving oral. Used to gag and hold back vomit. Just the idea was gross, and there was also some pheromonal incompatibility, I think. \n\nNow, sex with my partner ranges from okay to very enjoyable, and the determinate factor is how much I can get out of my own head during it. If I'm thinking too much about it, about the scents and the wetness and sounds and feelings, I start getting a bit dissociated and weirded out. If I can enter some sort of flow state, it's a good time.\n\nI can't say I'm all that experienced though. I think this current partner is the only one I've genuinely felt accepted by (physically and mentally, despite my flaws), and it's someone who I know is extremely understanding and loyal. Being able to connect and feel comfortable with them, and having genuine feelings of affection that last past the first few weeks of the relationship have made sex feel like a mutually enjoyable activity and caring for them has made me want to help them out sexually.\n\nIn past relationships, I genuinely hated sex. It felt like a chore, and the emotional instability of my partners meant that denying it would have some sort of emotional fallout. It was awful, and I didn't even masturbate for a long time after the second one because I was so turned off by the idea and would get super in my head about it if I tried to engage.", "I have an extremely high sex drive and I prefer violent and degrading sex.", "I am hypersexual but sex repulsed. So my sex drive is high, but when I actually fuck my emotional state ranges from bored to disgusted. I suspect this is due to sexual trauma though.", "I don’t do sex but I do have pretty high libido, I don’t have sexual attraction I have my silicon lover" ], "top_scores": [ 18.054725646972656, 18.006336212158203, 17.37879180908203, 17.2713565826416, 16.60634422302246 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of high libido with sexual aversion, trauma, or psychological conflict.", "pearson_r": 0.4986776569289725, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4274, "freq": 0.03564036663861533, "mean_pos": 8.08398151397705, "max_act": 23.00676918029785, "log_density": -1.4480578247642737, "top_texts": [ "ASPD would look more like Charlie Sheen or Robert Downy jr. than Clint Eastwood or Robert Deniro the fake tough guy. Honestly you can’t diagnose or know what is going on with celebrities. With that said ASPD is a disorder and by definition it is defined by its dysfunction so no there isn’t much that’s good about it and the goofballs who do videos on YouTube about how they are a sociopath/psychopath then tell only positive traits are either full of shit or are lying about their real traits to present in a good light. Not all people with ASPD are serial killers or violent obviously but all are anti social so by nature that means detrimental or harmful to society it’s laws and the people in it to some extent, it’s actually considered a very serious personality disorder, I’m not even sure how or why you could put a positive spin on it\n\nWell actually it’s beneficial to living an anti social lifestyle, so people in the streets or in gangs where empathy and compassion are disadvantages drug dealers, bank robbers car thrives, it would be an advantage when you steal someone’s rent money off them because you wouldn’t have to feel bad about them getting kicked out in the street with their 3 kids while you buy drugs with that money. So there are some advantages depending on how you look at it, well beneficial until you are caught then get diagnosed with ASPD because of it", "Are you diagnosed? Do you think it could be something like ADD instead of ASPD?", "Many in my family and my Ex’s fam have ASPD. My uncle was involved in a murder of a drug dealer, my Ex’s brother burned down a house because the landlord kicked him out for non payment and an old guy died (he thought it was empty). Sister went to prison for armed robbery etc. for the most part ASPD just seem like anyone else you meet in life but they have a tendency to do extreme fucked up things that get them sent to prison. I’ve known a couple that were a constant problem probably highly psychopathic but ASPD will take advantage of your sympathy if you let them to get money off you for drugs or a place to stay and probably steal off you etc. it’s not really all that tough to deal with most of them just don’t give in to their bullshit and you will be fine. If you give them an inch they try to take a mile\n\nTl;dr don’t trust them and keep them at a distance and you’ll be fine", "Go speak to a professional, it won’t be ASPD - ASPD is is amazing to live with.. it really helps with life, as I’ve experienced myself so I know for a fact it’s the case.", "People with ASPD can feel love but there is no secret sauce that you can use. It’s not like everyone who has ASPD is all the same. My recommendation would be to learn what he values personally. Also it might be worth finding out what led to his diagnosis too just as a heads up as to what he may be capable of. He’s chosen to share a diagnosis with you I’d say he should probably explain how it happened because that is a legitimate red flag people don’t usually get that diagnosis with out some pretty severe behaviors." ], "top_scores": [ 23.00676918029785, 22.703235626220703, 22.53018569946289, 22.512651443481445, 21.973506927490234 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on the diagnosis, behavioral manifestations, and interpersonal implications of Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD).", "pearson_r": 0.5580680884604415, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2598, "freq": 0.07016626105943094, "mean_pos": 4.064448833465576, "max_act": 18.19583511352539, "log_density": -1.1538716588595637, "top_texts": [ "Let the other person talk, say how they're feeling, accept responsibility for what you did. Be sincere. Tell them what you're doing to do better and avoid repeating the same mistake. Again, let them say their piece, and then tell them yours. Be emphatic, they don't owe you anything. And whatever they say: accept it and move on.", "Is this common? How did you deal with it? I want to just apologize and make things right but some of the things the other person probably forgot or were just super insignificant. I want to own up to my actions but it's hard. I assume if people find out I was a jerk they'll all hate me and I'll be an outcast and a pariah :/", "Like you, I run through everything I could have possibly done wrong. One of my bosses said we need to talk and I sat down and sort of gave a blanket apology for anything I may have said/done and I will try to not do it again and he just needed me to fix my time card.", "Dealing with this for the first time. Hey there - have never looked at this sub, but am a long time user of Reddit elsewhere, and always enjoyed the discussion. \n\nWithout going into too much detail, I just had a situation where I basically fucked up big time. Drove my closest friend I have had (for close to 10 years) away from me. Made them scared of me and caused them to see me in a different light. It was a totally isolated incident, in my mind, but absolutely unacceptable none the less. I acted irrational, rude, and just plain awful. I know thats not who I am, or who I want to be, but the other person does not see that currently (to which I understand). Wrote her a letter, tried explaining myself, probably made it worse.\n\nThis whole situation (a couple weeks ago) is killing me. Knowing how I made her feel, the things I said, the pain she has been going through because of it, and most of all, thinking she lost her best friend, has made me feel awful beyond words. I can't think of anything else, I can't focus, I have no appetite, I hardly sleep through the night. \n\nI've never felt anything like this and perhaps it isn't depression, but people I have talked to feel that it is. How do I deal with this? Not trying to be dramatic but I just feel so hopeless and helpless and just want my friend back. \n\nFor reference, I am 25/M. I know age and depression may not matter, but giving advice to a 25 year old versus a 16 year old may be different. ", "Oh my, all this time i’ve been bending the antenna and pointing it at other people foolishly thinking that was enough to avoid hurts, but turns out my whole existence was a complete lie, everything i have been doing for these past years have only worsened the hurts! How can i have been so deeply mistaken, i truly can not comprehend. My thoughts and prayers are with the victims of these horrific pointing and bending accidents tonight. I hope no one ever gets hurts again, this cruel world has enough hurts and i sure as hell never intended to keep on adding more. Im truly sorry, I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven, im simply here to apologize." ], "top_scores": [ 18.19583511352539, 16.740983963012695, 16.570098876953125, 16.301528930664062, 15.203310012817383 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process of navigating interpersonal conflict, taking accountability, and managing the anxiety of social repair.", "pearson_r": 0.3890104396734729, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2982, "freq": 0.05624673050242227, "mean_pos": 5.044913291931152, "max_act": 18.281206130981445, "log_density": -1.249902709335793, "top_texts": [ "You guys treat me better than some of my family I don’t have a good relationship with my sister and other cousins.\n\nMy sister is 34 and I’m 26 but we’ve never been close. We have 3 other siblings who are all boys. I don’t know what her problem is with me. She’s successful, she’s a doctor, she’s married and she has a son. \n\nIf I ask for her help on something she always seems annoyed. What’s the point of family if you don’t even treat each other like 1?\n\nI have friends who cares a lot about me and to think we’re not even related. ", "Not the ass, may I tell you a secret? From the second you wish too you can choose your own family, it’s pretty nice actually, because people start to respect your time when you tell them “I am not going to give you my time of day” blood relatives not have to be family, you can actively choose to start to ignore your sister if you want to, when asked why say say “she didn’t respect my time so I don’t wish to respect hers,” it’s about respect, you can choose not to get to any family gathering for any reason including “I dislike that ass” or even for the sole reason of “I don’t want too”", "Does having a family helps you coping with depression? I know that the majority of people have families, but there are still some people out there that (because of bad luck) lost their families or never had one (due to death or abandonment).\n\nA family can give you emotional support or even prevent you from getting depression, but lacking a family could make your depression worse?\n\nI lost a part of my family due to death, I only got left my mom and a half sister, but I often disagree with my mom, and my sister is distant with me since we didn't grew up together, so I can't really say that I have a real family. As I walk through life as a 20 y/o college student away from home, I discovered that people, even my so called friends, don't want to hear me talking about my problems, that nobody fucking cares about me, that even therapists don't know the fucking solutions for my emotional issues so I struggle to find it by myself...\n\nIs there any substitute for the emotional support provided by a family?\n ", "I hate my family I keep on seeing posts here about how family is the one thing that keeps them going, the one thing the stops them from suicide. This frustrates me so much. I don't mean to seem \"my suffering is worse than yours\", but I wouldn't be in this situation if it wasn't for these cunts. What the fuck did they expect, that emotional support is \"optional\"? Being emotionally distant is a completely fine thing to do? That unleashing my mentally abusive cunt of a sister on me was something that a child could handle on her own? Fuck them. They dont deserve me. They can have the other daughter, the abusive/mean/spiteful/hateful/bully daughter that they are so fucking proud of. Half the time I want to kill myself because I hate myself, and the other half of the time I want to kill myself because I hate THEM so badly.", "My family has known about my depression for years and havent ever reached out to me or for me I made one if those stupid suicide jokes from the fake and horrible memes because I felt great for once. I was with my sister and she didn't know how to respond and so I asked what was wrong. She just tells me \"you know how you are\" implying that she took it seriously. I haven't seen my sister often in the last year and we didn't always get along. So I'm sure if she knows then the rest of my family knows and not a single person has tried to help me or anything while I tried to help them with anything they needed. Nice to know that family has always got your back through all the good and bad. BTW I am doing better for myself lately and hope I can do even better. It just hurts a bit to find out after all these years I felt alone and unseen I had actually been watched and most likely discussed about." ], "top_scores": [ 18.281206130981445, 17.17789077758789, 15.373111724853516, 15.35425090789795, 15.122001647949219 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the complex, often strained or dysfunctional nature of relationships with biological family members and their impact on mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.7979965458094832, "pred_f1": 0.9473684210526315 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5366, "freq": 0.07517001387404189, "mean_pos": 3.764169692993164, "max_act": 13.634153366088867, "log_density": -1.1239553638191746, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone else get what I mean. It's like the eyes are still in the common reality but the minds eye is \"seeing\" beyond it to a parallel world. Example...I work in a warehouse type of place and a few times, it physically felt like everything was a huge machine, like everything was made of machinery (that's really not how it really is) and the people were machine elves. Lately it has gone from that to feeling like a creepy graveyard with zombie noises, and in another area it was like walking through some mass crematorium thing burning bodies on both sides. Like my eyes are still seeing it like normal but it's like I'm not fully there I'm in both places at once. I related to that movie everything everywhere all at once, when I watched it I was like omg that's what I feel like sometimes but its like I don't fully switch to the other realm.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/Schizotypal/comments/11yn6b3/experiencing_things_differently_than_how_i_am/", "I just keep living with this strange feeling where I feel like my mind is outside of my body and all I can do is just watch everything happen knowing that I can't change anything no matter what I do. This may be my last post on Reddit ever.", "You get it. That’s exactly what it’s like. It feels so bizarre. I feel totally out of it", "Simulation? I honestly feel like my life is a actual simulation like the matrix. Reality doesn't seem so real anymore everything looks and feels so abstract. This feeling amplified after watching existential crisis inducing videos but waking up everyday and going through the motions feel simulated. It's like I saw a glimpse of the simulation and now I can't unsee it.... Or maybe I just lost my mind.. lol. Does anyone else feel this way?", "It's probably my post pervasive symptom and lead to a lot of existential anxiety, hypergraphia (often trying to come up with an explanation of how I knew that I existed), and depersonalization. It goes back and forth between feeling like I'm me living in someone else's body, or someone else is living in my body. Best way I can describe it is a lack of cohesion of my own thoughts and experiences." ], "top_scores": [ 13.634153366088867, 13.228192329406738, 12.246749877929688, 11.764016151428223, 11.671960830688477 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents experiences of derealization, depersonalization, and existential detachment from reality.", "pearson_r": 0.3923895091162285, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7440, "freq": 0.057474924375099504, "mean_pos": 4.907410144805908, "max_act": 18.630205154418945, "log_density": -1.2405215839421724, "top_texts": [ "Voices Seems like the best place to ask this question, but if comfortable, could someone describe their “voices”? Are they usually in your head or outside like a conversation between people?", "Do I have to hear voices with my ears for them to be a hallucination? I hear other people's voices inside my head, not with my ears. \nIs this a hallucination?", "Question about voices in your head. Can the ‘voices’ not necessarily be audible mor like a conscious but involuntarily imagined?\n\nAnd can they be based on outsider opinions for philosophy that don’t quite sit right with you?\n\nI ask because it’s gotten incredibly difficult to enjoy film/television and discussion analysis and review with so many grand standing authoritative people all over the Internet.", "What are voices like? What do voices sound like? When there is nothing going on I sort of hear voices, but they are not like actually there, like thoughts but voices.", "My inner monologue is silent as well. Though there are plenty of voices that aren't \"mine\" at best, and actual hallucinations at worst. There's no voluntary control over the volume." ], "top_scores": [ 18.630205154418945, 18.245849609375, 17.885358810424805, 17.738391876220703, 17.452651977539062 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and phenomenological description of auditory hallucinations or intrusive internal voices.", "pearson_r": 0.4535403561337835, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5202, "freq": 0.035390178997884776, "mean_pos": 7.951514720916748, "max_act": 19.960264205932617, "log_density": -1.4511172284930498, "top_texts": [ "PTSD and ADHD I’m curious and just wondered—has anyone with PTSD been diagnosed with ADHD? Has anyone with PTSD wrongly been diagnosed with ADHD? I’m seriously wondering if I also have ADHD along with PTSD, because I look at all the diagnosis markers and I can see that I experience almost all of them. I know that PTSD can manifest like ADHD at times. \n\nMy girlfriend says I think about diagnosis too much, but it’s something I’m seriously thinking about. \n\nAny advice would be appreciated. ", "What it’s like to be a teen with PTSD I’m aware that many teens have PTSD, this is just my experience. I didn’t grow up with PTSD, I was diagnosed with it recently. It’s extremely hard for me to talk to my peers, especially because they make fun of PTSD often. I don’t mind but sometimes they push it too far. I have flashbacks constantly at school and randomly just break out crying even when someone just says hi to me. I do get to work alone in group projects most of the time thankfully due to my PTSD. I normally don’t stay up late especially on school nights, but I’m always scared to sleep. I have nightmares nearly every night relating to what caused my PTSD. I am getting help, but the psychiatrist has an excruciatingly long wait list. It’s hard to get into a relationship with a boy who understands why I don’t talk a lot sometimes. I’m academically talented but private schools don’t necessarily like the fact that I have PTSD and anxiety. Friends never understand it too. “Hah, I must be giving you flashbacks right now!” -my best friend. The more people bring it up, the worse I feel about having it. I use to be happy and had tons of euphoria but now I’m that one quiet girl in your chem class. ", "PTSD is life changing for the worse. Every day fight. Getting in a fist fight in high school( who did not get into a fight) I'm not talking about bullying, Playing video games, having bad dreams does not cause PTSD. We have seen things, or done things or ,been part of things, that most people will never understand and hopefully never experience. End of Rant", "Struggling a bit Does anyone else feel like their PTSD amplifies their anger way beyond whats normal or acceptable? I always find myself losing my shit after 1 or 2 things go wrong and its so infuriating. No matter how hard I try to keep calm over literally anything i cant. And if i keep getting angrier i get a full blown panic attack, i had the other day from losing too much in a damn game. My therapist told me its cuz since ive been a kid ive always lived in \"Soldier mode\" and thats just how i had to survive. Now...im past that, my life has kind of calmed down and being in this \"soldier mode\" just makes everything harder in my day to day to life. But ive been stuck in it since i was 10 and im almost 30 now and its such a struggle, ive been in and out of therapy and am currently out rn. I need people who struggle with the inability to stay calm to talk to, and im 1000% certain of it being cuz of my ptsd since ptsd fucks with the connectors in your brain and makes you jump to strong emotions way too fast.", "Support groups like Al-Anon but for people with family members with PTSD? My mom was just diagnosed with PTSD relating to an illness she’s been struggling with since the end of August. She has been unable to eat due to nausea and has been on a liquid diet since then. Her nausea started as a physiological reaction, most likely due to medications, but at some point morphed into something psychological and is being linked to PTSD from the trauma she has undergone during her illness. \n\nI feel awful for being frustrated with her for not sucking up the discomfort and just freaking eating, since it is obvious that that is what she needs to do to live, and now that I know that it is ptsd, I am interested in finding support groups to help me support her in a more compassionate and helpful way. Do such groups exist?" ], "top_scores": [ 19.960264205932617, 18.501571655273438, 18.330842971801758, 18.25575828552246, 18.183855056762695 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on the lived experience, diagnosis, and symptomatic impact of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).", "pearson_r": 0.7252262412423897, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2962, "freq": 0.04453340005003753, "mean_pos": 6.27446174621582, "max_act": 17.447309494018555, "log_density": -1.351314136199104, "top_texts": [ "In fairness NPD (and other PD’s) is considered a disability in terms of the US legal system. Considered applying for disability myself LOL", "You might not have NPD. You aren’t a psychiatrist, how would you know?", "How the fuck am i NPD then? Keep in mind that i was diagnosed.", "Oh yeah for sure. I think it’s a problem with all PD’s not just NPD. I always say, why would we assume people don’t think like we do? Ya know?", "Seek a professional. We can’t tell you what it is but doesn’t sound that much like Npd. More like an other Pd" ], "top_scores": [ 17.447309494018555, 15.318756103515625, 15.122725486755371, 14.48637580871582, 14.429692268371582 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on the diagnosis, identification, and clinical classification of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).", "pearson_r": 0.5029941766544523, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6419, "freq": 0.06664088975822777, "mean_pos": 4.076300144195557, "max_act": 15.216875076293945, "log_density": -1.1762592065472834, "top_texts": [ "I just wish I was a different person Even if I became the person I wanted to be, it wouldn’t change the things I’ve done in the past. Physically I would still be the same. \nI shouldn’t exist", "I wish I could hit myself hard enough to just shut down. I want my brain black screen, unplugged. But I can’t. And right now I really fucking wish I could.", "I wish I never existed I remember back when I was a kid I always had those moments when I felt really bored of life. Then I though everyone had those moments, but one day I asked my family about it and they said they don't know what I am talking about. I just went with it. Another thing I felt back then: I wished I never existed. Every time I heard something about a biggest wish that is what I though of. I just didn't want to kill myself because that would've affected others. Just the though of all the wrong things I've done not to ever been made.. and I could end all the pain ever and not have to suffer anymore without hurting anyone.. it's just great.. I don't want anyone who reads this to think the same as I. I feel like I am being an idiot by making such a big deal out of this. I think I'm really over reacting. But I really don't want to! I know all the people that made me really sad are really nice people and I'm just really over reacting to the point that I wish that they were actually bad people.. I don't have any type of idea what I want but if I killed myself I wouldn't have to think of any of it. And to not risk everything or make anyone miss me not ever existing would be an even better version of it.. I don't know what I want", "I think about it often and I really wish I was never born. my existence was a mistake in the first place. an accident. I really wish I was never alive, things would be so much better. whenever I walk alone, and see everything in my point of view, I really wish it wasn’t me seeing everything I do. I wish I was never alive. or I wish I was someone else. anything other than me. but apparently I’m stuck here and I don’t wanna kill myself. I just really wish I had never been born.", "I wish things were different. I wish I was stronger, so that I'd be able to cope better with the circumstances I'm in. I wish my daughter wasn't in the hospital again, that she and my wife could just be home and my family could be whole. I wish I didn't have to consider the alternatives. I wish I was a better dad, so that I could do a better job with my kids when mom and sister are away, instead of fighting back the urge to yell, to curse, to cry. I wish I was rich, so that I didn't have to worry about how bills would be paid in the next 5 days. I wish I could afford a babysitter so I could work to fix that.\n\nI wish I had help, but I wish I didnt need it. I wish I didn't feel like I was lying everytime I tell my wife and kids that its all going to be alright. I wish I could feel better when people tell me that.\n\nI wish that i wasn't so isolated that I dumped my burdens on utter strangers, knowing it can't really help the isolation i feel. I wish I could fix it all myself, just make her better so she could come home and things could go back to normal. I wish I didnt want to change her, she's so beautiful and unique just the way she is. \n\nI wish I didnt feel trapped in a slow spiral, like I didn't feel like a victim of circumstance. I wish I didnt feel weak because I do. I wish I wasnt alone. \n\nI wish wishes worked." ], "top_scores": [ 15.216875076293945, 14.133787155151367, 13.876540184020996, 13.445464134216309, 13.294190406799316 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents deep-seated existential regret and a desire for non-existence or self-erasure.", "pearson_r": 0.1667980471807437, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6393, "freq": 0.07962790274524074, "mean_pos": 3.3483290672302246, "max_act": 13.078557968139648, "log_density": -1.0989347171992483, "top_texts": [ "Short answer, no. Long answer, no, because you’ll likely unfortunately trigger another episode.", "They said they were addicted so clearly they have a the capability to do so. Don't encourage them to get addicted again just because you supposedly can't be 🙄", "To prevent? Not getting abused. I don’t think it’s possible to rewind what happened", "If you already attempted, then it's probably a good idea to tell your therapist and figure out a way of hopefully avoiding another attempt.", "No, I can’t, I never could when I think about it" ], "top_scores": [ 13.078557968139648, 11.027982711791992, 9.932823181152344, 9.515180587768555, 8.80257511138916 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of relapse prevention and the avoidance of recurring negative behavioral patterns or mental health episodes.", "pearson_r": 0.2634824806076573, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3625, "freq": 0.05358564377828826, "mean_pos": 4.892717361450195, "max_act": 17.44770050048828, "log_density": -1.2709515391985862, "top_texts": [ "Deleting social media made me feel a lot less depressed. I’m not the most social guy ever. I have horrible anxiety and I’ve got a bad stutter so I prefer talking through messages when I can. I’m also really into photography and spend a lot of my free time editing photos for social media. I usually used Instagram and Facebook photo groups for my outlet. \n\nI used to rely so much on social media to give me confirmation that I mattered to other people. If I spent a long time on a photo and it ended up not getting any likes or comments, I’d feel pretty bad about it and put in even more time trying to make my photos look perfect so that someone would give me validation. \n\nA few weeks ago I realized that this obsessive behavior to stay relevant was drowning me in depression and decided to stay off social media for awhile. When I did this I realized that none of my ‘friends’ on Facebook actually kept in touch with me afterwards and didn’t seem to actually care about me. I also noticed that my obsession with caring about what people thought about me seemed to go away. \n\nDeleting social media to me was like ripping off a bandaid. It stings at first when you realize how irrelevant you may be but once you get over that feeling then you have a lot more time to do things you actually enjoy. You can even meet some great people depending on your hobbies.\n\nThis obviously won’t work for everyone with depression because we all have our own reasons for being depressed but try thinking about how much time you spend looking at social media. When was the last time you actually saw something on Facebook or Instagram or wherever that personally affected your life in a major way? \n\nIt’s easy to get into that habit of mindlessly scrolling through your friends posts for hours but all this does for you is make you feel bad about your own life and wish you were as cool as them. Pretty much every social media site is a popularity contest of people bragging about how great their lives are. Try deleting all of your social media for 2-3 days and see how you feel afterwards.", "Social media is a big source of anxiety for me. Should I just delete it? I don’t want to “disappear” which is why I keep it but having it makes me super critical about where I’m at in life.\n\nAnyone here delete all their socials? How did/do you feel?", "Low self-esteem and social media? Recently deleted *all* of my social media i.e. Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, etc. \n\nIt became an obsession almost and didn’t really make me feel great. \nI think it’s a start to me getting healthier and learning how to interact with people in real life. \n\nI feel kind of cut off from the world now, but it’ll pass in time I guess. It’s not like I have a life or death need to be connected 24/7. \n\nHas anyone else done something like this before?", "fork social media! i do this every time i had enough of self hate.\n\ni had already deleted twitter and instagram since yesterday night so i could literally save myself. again.", "BPD + social media Can y’all please give me your thoughts on social media usage with BPD? The focus on curation of identity through words + aesthetics is a literally fuckin minefield for me. I spend most of my time staring at my own IG trying to figure out who the fuck I am or how I come across to other people, or stalking people who seem to have such a firm grasp on who they are. It makes me so incredibly jealous and I know I should get off but it’s so hard. So many of my only social connections happen there and I’m scared I’ll feel so so lonely without that." ], "top_scores": [ 17.44770050048828, 17.424270629882812, 17.333860397338867, 17.094327926635742, 16.454483032226562 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The negative psychological impact of social media usage and the desire to disconnect for mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.474896017950265, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7766, "freq": 0.06516250824481998, "mean_pos": 3.898305892944336, "max_act": 13.699235916137695, "log_density": -1.1860022004501305, "top_texts": [ "No, yes, no, approx 1 year, no idea.\nAlways been a loner, was curious how others had fared.", "Its been officially 2 years and I’m tired I know some people have been depressed for longer. Ik people hurt much worse than me and still get through it but I can’t stop thinking how long it has been. I’m turning 18 in a few days and can’t help but think I was only 15 when I began feeling like this... constantly. Idk what I’m trying to get out of this post... I just want to know what’s the longest someone has had it... on average how long can a person endure the pain and hiding it from others. I miss being happy and I miss all the memories. Day in and day out it’s the same monotonous feeling of not being enough for anyone or anything. Not being able to make myself happy again. And I’m beginning to lose passion for things. I’ve stopped watching TV and playing video games. I used to be passionate about music but sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to make songs. My goals are dissipating and idk if it’s my subconscious telling me that I won’t be here much longer. Being alone makes it worse bc I’m with my thoughts and they take the life and energy from me. It just. Hurts.", "About a week ago I felt broken and like my life was falling apart, as it always does and like it just would not be better, whether I was drinking or not. I am now over 4.75 months sober. And this is the longest I've been sober since I was 17 (so 12 years). The last time I was sober for this long I was 22 and had just come out of rehab. If it wasn't for your kind words, and understanding, and people telling me that they understood why I wanted to drink, but that it probably still wouldn't help, helped me get through the night, which is all I needed (as it was then Easter and alcohol shops were closed lol)", "If I was diagnosed and told two months after school ended that I've had schizophrenia for two and a half years does that count?", "Whats the longest of them youve been on? Time wise. Anything you take under two months, or a year or longer, is a long time. Anything you take beyond that is gonna be harder. I guess thats why all my other withdrawals have felt like a walk in the park in comparison. Personally, I think it's a personal thing." ], "top_scores": [ 13.699235916137695, 12.51009464263916, 12.005800247192383, 11.870506286621094, 11.633281707763672 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature tracks the temporal duration and chronological milestones of mental health struggles, recovery, or treatment.", "pearson_r": 0.5892206792892432, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3731, "freq": 0.05201628494097846, "mean_pos": 4.878832817077637, "max_act": 18.053178787231445, "log_density": -1.2838606604623792, "top_texts": [ "I can't remember a single happy moment I've been trying for the past week to remember a time where I felt happy but nothing comes to mind. There have been moments where I feel I should have felt happy but I just feel indifference. \nI want to be happy but I don't even know what it that is.", "You don't know it but you're happy. Stay with me. You're probably happy but you just can't think about it because you're caught up in the basic struggles everyone falls into. The petty thoughts that things can be better. Everyone does this. Its only by comparison when looking back at things can you see that you were happy. That was happiness. Honestly it probably doesn't measure up to being a millionaire sitting on a private beach with a supermodel fiance but what you have is yours. Not anyone else can take that from you.", "I give up on finding happiness I've tried everything to get happy and yet everytime I do later on I start to be unhappy with it. I was dating someone for a week and I was happy... For a day. then two days ago I ended it because I couldn't feel happy about the situation. I feel like an asshole but it was the right call. I fake my happiness to an extent, like a mask that says happy all over it but sometimes it slips and I just don't really feel anything throughout the day. I lose joy with most of my activities like drawing or video games. They say they want to help be happy and I deserve to be happy but why? If I be happy again I'm just gonna lose it again. Why fight a losing war?", "DEA not know what happy should feel like? Ok so for me happy is either like a nice warm glow where I feel like nothing could hurt me and all is right in the world, which I think is the more normal happy... or I get really restless exited happy where I feel like I should be talking to everyone and the tiniest thing will make me laugh.. like I can't sit still and end up coming across as almost hyperactive. \n\nThen I get happy then upset, or more commonly happy then really anxious haha.. \n\nI'd like to hear your experiences with 'happy' ", "Don't want to be happy I don't know how to put it. \nLast year, I had a battle with depression where I got down in the dumps and came out at times.\nThis year, I decided to change it and started hitting the gym and going out on weekends and it was working. I felt happy about myself and had a good vibe going.\nI don't know what happened this weekend but I feel down in the dumps and have been going down the spiral. I made it my motto to stop feeling happy and looking at depressing things .. starting from sad music which ticked me off to watching shows which make me sad. \nHow should I deal with this guys .. I want to feel happy ... But I feed bad about feeling happy " ], "top_scores": [ 18.053178787231445, 17.773530960083008, 17.674203872680664, 17.39093017578125, 17.066410064697266 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective struggle to define, identify, or sustain the emotional experience of happiness.", "pearson_r": 0.45526263484555135, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4889, "freq": 0.05658789546705484, "mean_pos": 4.45947265625, "max_act": 17.802536010742188, "log_density": -1.2472764497248603, "top_texts": [ "What I'm saying is there is hope. There always is that. Just live out the shit days and see what the morning brings.", "That sounds extremely draining, I’m sorry. I don’t blame you for feeling hopeless after such a long road with your debilitating disorder. I’ve been in a hopeless place too with my mental health, I still struggle and panic attacks are horrific. I’d suggest flipping the coin. What could you look forward to? What or who could give you more hope? Who could support you with this hopelessness? When I realised that my life was going to look a lot different than I expected, it hit me as if someone had died. I put so much weight on being successful and functional that when it didn’t work out, my world shattered. I had to figure out new priorities for myself and figure out what actually makes life worth it. For me that looked like reconnecting with people, painting, dancing and enjoying smaller things. There is so much pressure on us to function as if we don’t struggle that it doesn’t make much sense. Be kind to yourself, there will be a day where you look back and be so happy that you didn’t give up trust me❤️", "Yeah, my hopes are pretty much gone at this point. ", "False hope - Being aware is enough to feel like i'v changed but without a serious self reflection on how to modify my behaviour.", "I really hope so too. But I might be pessimistic, but hope haven't gotten me anywhere in the past. \nI needed to put in some work and figure out more about me to understand why I am like this. " ], "top_scores": [ 17.802536010742188, 16.357078552246094, 15.814155578613281, 15.396913528442383, 15.3447847366333 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of \"hope\" as a psychological construct, encompassing both its presence as a coping mechanism and its perceived futility.", "pearson_r": 0.4023608742506573, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1239, "freq": 0.05824823162826665, "mean_pos": 4.295804023742676, "max_act": 22.730937957763672, "log_density": -1.2347172474939747, "top_texts": [ "A negative symptom would be a flag affect, avolition, anhedonia, loss of interests in socializing, extreme isolation.", "Negative symptoms Negative symptoms, is there any hope in medicine for it to end?", "It's very rare for any positive symptoms to occur in childhood.\n\nAs for negative symptoms those can score high from other disorders such as schizoid personality disorder, schizotypal personality disorder, and even depression.", "The biggest difference that I've noticed is that when symptoms come from depression there's usually a sense of hopelessness that comes with it, at least for me, while when it's negative symptoms there's more of an apathy and lack of emotion behind it. For example, apathy as a negative symptom is more \"I don't feel like it, just because\" while when it's depressive it's more \"what's the point it's useless anyway\". I personally get suicidal when the depression is bad, so any feelings like that are kindof a dead giveaway. Negative symptoms don't go away when the mood goes back to neutral.", "No because then you'd have likely less severe negative symptoms but all the positive ones would come back.\n\nEdit: And you would still have negative symptoms." ], "top_scores": [ 22.730937957763672, 21.63047218322754, 20.279190063476562, 18.362548828125, 17.655181884765625 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the clinical concept of negative symptoms associated with psychotic disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.32329676097980964, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9100, "freq": 0.05388132008096982, "mean_pos": 4.576763153076172, "max_act": 12.387762069702148, "log_density": -1.26856176463536, "top_texts": [ "Hard to tell without more info but it's something you might want to explore again. He might just be saying he's OK with it because he likes you but it could still be bugging him under the surface.", "It also makes him a lot nicer to people. He's pretty standoffish when he's not on anything.", "Something about him always came off to me as someone who is trying to seem as lovable as possible to hide who he really is. Maybe that’s paranoia, idk. But I think I’ve heard about shady stuff he’s done but I could be thinking of someone else", "Maybe it’s something along those lines, or perhaps he gets gassy? Maybe he sleeps off hours? Insomnia? Or doesn’t like the body heat of another near him? Maybe he’s picky about the bed and pillows? Talks in his sleep, sleep walks… the list is endless, give him time.", "Everything was absolutely perfect. He is always very quiet, but is a complete sweetheart, and very warm and kind once he trusts someone. He’s pretty much the spitting image of what I imagined of the person I would marry when I was young. The one thing about him that would have seemed “off” is that he never really talked at all about his life before the Army. I know what city he is from, and a couple inconsequential details, but nothing significant." ], "top_scores": [ 12.387762069702148, 12.024835586547852, 11.74633502960205, 11.633218765258789, 11.403342247009277 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the psychological process of speculating about or analyzing the underlying motives, hidden traits, and internal states of a romantic partner.", "pearson_r": 0.7915639118690457, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8016, "freq": 0.03732344713080265, "mean_pos": 6.59149694442749, "max_act": 15.614872932434082, "log_density": -1.4280182407292676, "top_texts": [ "The biggest difference in the treatment for schizophrenia vs. schizotypal is the dose of antipsychotics if there are any. Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder while schizotypal is not. That being said, it's the closest thing you can have to a psychotic disorder without actually having a psychotic disorder.\n\nSchizophrenia isn't *all* about hallucinations, that's just one possibility. Delusions (actual delusions, not intrusive thoughts which people often think of delusions) are very common as is disorganized thoughts. Schizotypal will have milder versions of these symptoms. They will have misperceptions rather than hallucinations, magical thinking rather than delusions, and mild thought disorder if present. Noticeable but not complete debilitating like in schizophrenia. A big overlap between STPD and schizophrenia is negative symptoms. They can be very strong in both disorders.\n\nHallucinations in schizophrenia are usually auditory. Visual is quite rare.\n\nI'd recommend talking more with your psychiatrist or getting a second opinion to determine if you are schizotypal or actually schizophrenic. They are similar in some ways but they are two different disorders.", "I was diagnosed with schizotypal disorder (personality disorder here in the states) before schizophrenia. I can say that there are lots of similarities but also some stark differences.\n\nBoth have negative symptoms. Those are common all along the schizophrenia spectrum.\n\nSchizophrenic hallucinations are typically auditory and not vague or transient, they're pretty chronic. They're inner unconscious thoughts that have the salience turned up to 11 so they sound like they're real.\n\nAs for delusions I'm always skeptical of the \"I have the delusion that\" posts. A true delusion doesn't strike the person as strange - by definition it seems real and valid to the person who has them. They may eventually catch on if the delusion causes enough distress. \n\nThis sounds more like \"quasi-psychotic\" experiences common in schizotypal disorder. In my experienced but non-professional opinion I would say that schizotypal disorder could explain most/all of these things.", "Marijuana and Schizophrenia I see on the FAQ page it says drugs do not cause schizophrenia. My father has had it since he was 20 from meth use. I have smoked since 15 and am now 19 with panic disorder. Should i stop or will smoking not make a difference. I wanted to keep this short spare me for the simplicity.", "Technically schizophrenia is an umbrella term for quite a few different psychotic disorders - they are lumped together because the treatment is largely the same.\n\nIt's thought that there is always a genetic predisposition to schizophrenia. Environmental triggers may or may not be present. Certain drugs when used in excess can trigger it, specifically THC and amphetamines. In fact, amphetamines in high doses can be nearly indistinguishable from the positive symptoms of schizophrenia.\n\nParticularly stressful live events can also trigger it, especially prolonged stress like getting a divorce and the marital (social) problems leading up to it, or childhood neglect or abuse.\n\nA couple times smoking weed probably won't hurt, but regular use has absolutely been shown to increase someone's chances of developing schizophrenia multiple times over.\n\nStay off the loud, kids.", "Typically if one has auditory hallucinations in schizophrenia they sound a lot like audible inner dialogue, sometimes the voices are internal and sometimes external. They can be nice or mean but one of the most common is simply an unbiased commentary of your own thoughts and the world fed back to you - after all, schizophrenia is simply an issue of salience (dopamine regulated sense of importance) of internal processes presented back to the mind as though they are external events. Unfortunately this can include derealization and very often depersonalization called \"self disorder\", sometimes considered to be the base of schizophrenia spectrum disorders including schizoaffective and schizotypal personality disorder. I know that's a lot of information but it's relevant.\n\nSchizophrenic hallucinations are usually auditory, less so visual, though misperceptions and illusions are common and feed into derealization.\n\nThe issue is that a diagnosis can only be made by a qualified expert, you'd be best to find someone who specializes in schizophrenia spectrum. A lot of the symptoms also overlap with anxiety, such as the DPDR. A lot of people *think* they have schizophrenia when what they really have is OCD or something similar causing them to obsess about it.\n\nSchizophrenia also typically involves something called disorganized thinking and speech, one of the three major positive symptoms of schizophrenia, and can lead to incoherent speech and behavior which is a medical emergency and fairly common when untreated. I don't have a stat for this but I'd imagine this is how a lot of people are admitted to hospitals for first-break psychosis, it's a fairly obvious symptom to witnesses.\n\nThe last thing is negative symptoms. These can honestly look a lot like depression. They're caused by too little dopamine in certain brain areas and present issues like avolition (lack of motivation), anhedonia (lack of ability to experience positive emotion), alogia (lack of thoughts or speech), and social withdrawal. These symptoms persist even in absence of positive symptoms, such as delusions, hallucinations, and thought disorder, and can be debilitating on their own.\n\nI'm not sure what to make of the memory replacement thing but I imagine it *could* (big maybe) exist as part of self-disorder.\n\nMy point is that schizophrenia is a very serious and pervasive disorder that is characterized by a lack of connection and cohesion with external reality. Those with it often don't know they have it until they end up in a hospital or clinic, and even then there's a symptom called anosognosia where they don't realize/accept a diagnosis anyway.\n\nI think you should absolutely get assessed for mental health, including schizophrenia, OCD, schizotypal (personality) disorder, and other disorders. I hope that what I've said has helped clear things up as to whether you still think you could have a schizophrenia spectrum disorder or otherwise. All the best and I hope you find out how to treat what's bothering you!\n\nEdit: And also yes, you're in the right sub." ], "top_scores": [ 15.614872932434082, 15.279257774353027, 15.104597091674805, 14.679593086242676, 14.64411735534668 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the clinical diagnosis, symptoms, and etiology of schizophrenia and the schizophrenia spectrum.", "pearson_r": 0.8940420217330778, "pred_f1": 0.9523809523809523 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5331, "freq": 0.04733095276002457, "mean_pos": 5.120449066162109, "max_act": 15.253973960876465, "log_density": -1.3248547440310061, "top_texts": [ "My gf just broke up with me and I don't know what to do I feel completely broken. I have absolutely no idea how to go on.", "Girlfriend broke up with me This is the first time I have been broken up with. It was on Monday. I already had a gift for her and I was so excited to take her out to dinner. My birthday is this Monday and I could not wait to spend it with my favorite person in world. I am absolutely devastated. I loved this girl so much. I want to hurt myself so badly. I want this pain to go away", "Break up My girlfriend of 6 months just out of the blue decided to break up. See someone else I guess. I’ve been reeling all day. Does anyone have any tips to help here?", "Impromptu Med Breaks are the Worst I just returned from an impromptu (forced) meds break due to insurance issues. I switched insurances at the new year, so I needed a prior authorization for the meds I've been taking for years (can you tell I'm a bit peeved?). I don't take breaks all that often since I work/go to school 7 days a week and even when I'm not doing that, I've still got things to get done. I like to be busy, and my meds help me do that. \n\nLots of things went wrong due to my unplanned break (fell behind in classes, was always exhausted, ate everything in sight, etc.), but the most striking thing was how \\*emotional\\* I constantly felt. \n\nI'm normally slow to upset, but any time anything went wrong, I was close to tears or crying. I got angry so quickly. I forgot how emotional I can be when I don't have the meds to mellow me out. I felt insane. \n\nI'm so happy that my impromptu med break is over. ", "Brokenness Anyone ever feel that for their whole life that they are just broken ? \n\nI feel nothing for nobody or anything anymore , nothing ever works and to actually be successful at anything ( even simple things ) seems to take 10 times the effort that anyone else would put in. \n\nI don’t speak to anyone as get made out to be dramatic lol people have a cheek to post “ be kind “ and “ I’m here to talk anytime and not judge ” that’s all for their image but they mean the opposite .\n\nWhat’s the point in any of this life when you didn’t ask for it or never even wanted it the whole time you’ve lived it ? \n\n\nShould be allowed to just die or maybe we can’t because this is actual hell we live in ?" ], "top_scores": [ 15.253973960876465, 14.88192367553711, 14.1745023727417, 13.821167945861816, 13.757823944091797 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of acute emotional distress and feelings of personal brokenness following a significant loss or disruption.", "pearson_r": -3.122502256758253e-17, "pred_f1": 0.64 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2429, "freq": 0.05470011599608798, "mean_pos": 4.350703716278076, "max_act": 13.331499099731445, "log_density": -1.2620117447689263, "top_texts": [ "If I have to have a conversation, I'd rather there be a good reason for it (I could handle talking to a classmate for a group project, for instance)", "Would anyone be okay with talking to me? We don't have to talk about serious BS. Just want to chat. I'm having a rough time right now.", "I just need to talk Like the title says, I just need to talk to someone, anyone.\nSorry if this isn’t allowed, first time I’ve been here.", "In general: all the time, but only necessary topics, or if someone else speaks to me directly first. I don't start chitchat conversations. \n\nIn therapy: it varies. This week, conversation was harder than usual. Some weeks I can talk, but it's one long daisy chain of intellectual bullshit. (I think I do that a lot on this sub, too, sorry.) I'm trying to find common ground.", "How do I talk to somebody? I’ve been really struggling recently but have nobody that I feel I could talk to. I’ve been thinking about going to my doctor and telling him how I feel but I’m not good at opening up or talking about how I feel. Any advice? " ], "top_scores": [ 13.331499099731445, 13.323452949523926, 13.298293113708496, 13.195130348205566, 12.848896026611328 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the difficulty or desire to initiate and sustain interpersonal communication for emotional support or social connection.", "pearson_r": 0.40285916603739824, "pred_f1": 0.7142857142857143 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5840, "freq": 0.04871835694953033, "mean_pos": 4.787683010101318, "max_act": 18.016103744506836, "log_density": -1.3123073580081022, "top_texts": [ "How do you deal with the feeling of being hated? I am 100% convinced that everyone around me hates me and that I’m a burden on everyone and no one actually enjoys being near me. These thoughts have been going on for a long time now, but it’s just getting worse. To the point that i don’t even like me to be honest. What can be done to help with this? Can anything be done? ", "I've been working on my hatred for the past few months, since i \"officially\" left Christianity, but the more i am trying to not hate them, the more they are reaffirming my beliefs of why i should hate them", "Actually it is, hatred for people you don’t even know can be seen as contempt which is very common in ASPD and psychopathy. It also shows a form of splitting and black and white thinking which is a symptom of all personality disorders and it also shows a lack of object relations which in this case is the inability to see that some people may be bad but most or atleast some are good instead you see them as all bad and hate them all. Another symptom of all personality disorders. \n\nIt would be a pretty powerful motivator to act anti-socially if you hated everyone wouldn’t it? It would also make it hard to get close to people and to care about hurting them too. Mistrust and contempt and in some cases hatred is a big reason for anti social behavior, you basically hate society so makes perfect sense to me.", "hate everything and everyone want to be alone hi for already 2 years i feel the same feeling the hatred inside me to everything and everyone especially to myself i hate people hate when they look at me hate when they talk to me even if its an old lady asking what the time is i just feel like i'm not suppose to be here like this world is an nightmare everything is not real everybody is wearing a mask everyone fakes everything i forgot what happiness is just wanna be alone in a room with a comfy bed and sleep all the time people asking me what's my favorite thing to do in my free time is it painting playing video games watching movies i say sleeping they ask ok why because i disconnect from this world and then when i wake up this shit feeling comes back like i prefer to be dead like this is the answer because everything seems pointless. thanks for reading ", "I hate my life If you hate yours too, I totally understand." ], "top_scores": [ 18.016103744506836, 16.82642364501953, 16.689584732055664, 16.132524490356445, 15.869444847106934 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and expression of intense, pervasive hatred directed toward oneself or others.", "pearson_r": 0.8794251812456345, "pred_f1": 0.9523809523809523 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10239, "freq": 0.05008301680806059, "mean_pos": 4.647476673126221, "max_act": 18.85643768310547, "log_density": -1.300309510111105, "top_texts": [ "I’ve been thinking about switching to vaping since I heard there’s less nicotine in it and I won’t have smoker’s breath. Unfortunately, I’m already addicted but I only smoke one a day after work (though I know even that’s too much). I feel that I just need to replace my coping mechanism for stress by using nicotine with something else and it’ll be easier to quit.", "I haven't touched nic or weed since the start of the year but I enjoy it. Nic from tobacco (as opposed to e-liquid) and THC from flower (as opposed to concentrates) feel WAY better. I'd much rather vape it in those forms than smoke it. That said I feel I'm worse at keeping my weed intake in check. My \"weekend\" habit ends up becoming my daily habit.", "I also turn to smoking cigarettes, zins, and nicotine patches to cope with the drug urges.", "November 11 - 19th- sober \nNovember 20- 22 smoked 2 blunts total for those days and hit my friends vape one night about 5 times. \nNovember 23-December 3rd -sober \nDecember 4 - smoked about a blunt that night (smoked 2 but was sharing so figured it was equal to 1 blunt). ", "Keeping them only allows giving into your temptation easier. As you said “I want one so bad” and “must smoke found cigs rule” - stop trying to sabotage your success." ], "top_scores": [ 18.85643768310547, 18.525217056274414, 18.05247688293457, 17.06890296936035, 16.934925079345703 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with substance use, nicotine dependence, and the management of addictive cravings.", "pearson_r": 0.6886023190803565, "pred_f1": 0.8421052631578947 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 957, "freq": 0.05822548729729115, "mean_pos": 3.9384818077087402, "max_act": 18.10593605041504, "log_density": -1.2348868606476424, "top_texts": [ "I would prefer not to need one, but I'm pursuing a degree in order to eventually wind up in the mental health field, where I hopefully end up serving a role in research or counseling. The idea of eventually being a university professor seems promising to me, but I can't really say for sure.", "I am currently doing a 3 year program to become an occupational therapist and later I want to study psychology and work as a therapist.", "I’m planning on going to college to become a pharmacist tech and maybe in a couple years decide to go to school to become a pharmacist if my mental health gets better.", "Of course you can. I finished my under Grad in Psych and once my health is better I will be going back to do my masters and post grad and work as a therapist", "\\- Finish my degree and find work in a mental health-related profession " ], "top_scores": [ 18.10593605041504, 16.863466262817383, 15.334365844726562, 15.135603904724121, 15.00507640838623 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents aspirations and long-term planning for a career in mental health or healthcare.", "pearson_r": 0.24084152542954404, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4371, "freq": 0.035208224350080745, "mean_pos": 6.490525245666504, "max_act": 18.16216278076172, "log_density": -1.4533558647364269, "top_texts": [ "Lack of Motivation..why? Seems a lack of motivation Is a common symptom of schizophrenia.. Sometimes it is severe and the patient literally does nothing, day in and day out.. \n\n What causes this lack of motivation? Do you suffer from this? What have you tried to do to improve this? Can anything be done?", "send motivation please:( I don't have any motivation for school or living. everything is so hard, i almost can't get out of bed anymore.", "How do i find motivation? Nothing seems to motivate me. Not even that i could graduate, have my own house and live the way i want. My hobby doesn't give me satisfaction anymore, nothing does, you know how it is. How do i motivate myself to do the things i must? I wanted to kill myself many times and i still want to but i can't. I'm scared of hurting others.\n\nI also struggle with an eating disorder and i know i could overcome everything but i simpy don't want to get better. A vision of a good life doesn't convince me. Nothing gives me hope and i'm not interested in anything that isn't self-destruction. I don't want to be anything anywhere. How do i make myself want to be something? ", "I got an email from my school about 37 unexcused absenses. I have to have a zoom meeting and shit. I am just sad and tired. Idk if its the place to rant but\n\nI got in a very competitive high school. Its a very prestigious international boarding school. I got chosen luckily. The school was supposed to cost like 55k but i only pay 5k.\nI put in a shit ton of work to get in and for a semester i worked so hard.\nSo goddamn hard and i didnt get the grades i wanted.\nI lost all motivation and hope really.\n\nCorona happened and now i am back in my hometown.\n\nAlthough knowing so well that this couple of years will basically determine which college i go and eventually which job i will get, it pains me that i still have no sense of motivation anymore.\n\n\nI feel so hollow, numb and lonely. I just want to play video games,DnD, hang out with my friends and flirt.\nI honestly just want to live my life.\n\nThis corona isnt helping. I cant go out to swim. I cant go out with my friends here.I just lay on my bed. Sleeping. Feeling sorry for myself. Sulking and not getting any work done\n\nI just need a goddamn break. I want to feel happy and motivated.", "Im in a hole with no way out **Backstory and insight**\n\nI want to state that i'm not diagnosed, and really dont want to be one of \"those teens\", but I have suicidal thoughts and find no motivation in anything, nothing is fun and nothing makes me happy anymore. I can go weeks without leaving my house, and I hate waking up in the morning and going to bed at night.\n\nI've struggled with social anxiety since I was 8, and hate speaking out loud in class or other places, and hate how I look and sound. This can complicate classes sometimes because I can't ask the teacher for help or somebody else in fear of sounding like an idiot or whatever.\n\nI constantly feel like im being stared at and made fun of, the class could be silent, and im doing my work like everyone else... but I have this creeping feeling that people are taking glances at me, and that im doing something wrong, like im on the wrong page, or Im holding my pencil weird, or my hair is messy... and the slightest off tone or snigger fucks up my whole day, and i'll feel like that person was laughing at me or talking about me, despite it most likely being totally unrelated to me.\n\n**The main point of this post**\n\n(I'm 15 and live in scotland, but i'll use american terms) I was top of my class and always finished work first in elementary school, and I was considered a great student, the same could be said for the first couple years of middle school, but the past 2 years, my grades have plummeted and my motivation is non existent, I keep failing everything, and I really dont want to, but I can motivate myself.\n\nIt doesnt matter the importance of what it is, I'm always to lazy to put in any work, tommorow morning I have an assignment that will determine what level I sit for my exams later this year, and I havent even started it, it's currently 1am. I want to do it, but no matter what anyone says or what I read I cant find motivation.\n\nAnd the motivation problem is the worst, I'm un-motivated to become motivated (if that makes any sense lol). Im not sure what im looking for this post to do, kind of a rant I guess. \n\nI always feel like im just being dumb, and everyone feels this way, and im just looking for excuses, if so please let me know. Thank you if you read through all th is 🤗" ], "top_scores": [ 18.16216278076172, 17.53896141052246, 17.01589584350586, 16.798276901245117, 16.558218002319336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a profound state of avolition and anhedonia characterized by a persistent inability to initiate action or find satisfaction in daily life.", "pearson_r": 0.5496421267159188, "pred_f1": 0.782608695652174 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7195, "freq": 0.05292605817999863, "mean_pos": 4.231956481933594, "max_act": 18.367509841918945, "log_density": -1.2763304419259165, "top_texts": [ "I bet you feel so good about yourself, you’ve made exceptional progress! Inspiring.", "I really feel for you. You're so brave to go through with this and so decisively. You should really be proud of yourself.", "Happy that you got out OP. It's so nice to read success stories like this.", "Always nice to see progress when it comes to the establishment of healthy boundaries. Well done, and keep up the good work.", "I'm glad you did, I'm proud of you, you got this! <3" ], "top_scores": [ 18.367509841918945, 17.33896255493164, 16.804996490478516, 16.728330612182617, 16.34079933166504 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the expression of positive reinforcement, validation, and encouragement toward someone's personal progress or success.", "pearson_r": 0.6150328035276788, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9317, "freq": 0.0448745650146701, "mean_pos": 4.951411724090576, "max_act": 16.343137741088867, "log_density": -1.3479997384881734, "top_texts": [ "How can I help my boyfriend with depression? (please delete if this post is not allowed) Hi all, \n\n&#x200B;\n\nMy boyfriend of 7 years really struggles with depression. Most of the time I think i handle it okay, and i am there for him to talk and make him tea and just be there. But sometimes i do notice myself getting frustrated or upset with the energy and ultimately and selfishly begin to focus on my hurt feelings rather than something he has to deal with every day. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nDoes any one have any tips as to how to not let his depression for a lack of a better term 'win'? I am very aware he cannot help it, but sometimes it does feel like i am just making it worse and ultimately he will be happier without me?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nP.S im so sorry if i am speaking inconsiderately, this is my first time posting here and i really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Feel free to be blunt. Thank you", "WARNING: Messy post, I'm really all over the place, sorry guys. I have a lot on my mind. Hope you can make the best of this text. Also sorry for any spelling errors, english isn't one of my talents. Me and my boyfriend has been dating for over a year now.", "I have BPD and It's ruining my relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years Recently has been very rough for me. Cause of the Holidays, family gatherings etc. It's been alot to handle. I have been mentally abused by my family for almost all my life. My parents never liked me as much as they like my siblings which was fine. I was never really as great as them. I accepted and tried to do better. As time passes nothing really changed just My depression and anxiety got worse and worse. I introverted myself from everything. I refuse to go out, hang out with anyone or be vocal about what I'm feeling. I feel like they'll judge me and possibly end our relationship/friendship. \n\nSelf harm isn't a new thing for me. But I have been clean for almost 3 months until new years eve came. I couldn't handle it anymore and just did it. I was so disappointed at myself and I knew my boyfriend would not like it. My boyfriend doesn't have BPD so he doesn't quite understand my struggles. Which I do not blame him for it. We've been arguing so much for the past months and I knew that I was the cause of the arguments. I am very selfish and didn't think what he would think. I said that I cut again to him and he didn't like it of course. I know I should have said something before doing it. But He was with his family enjoying and didn't want to ruin the holiday for him.\n\nNow I'm just lost. He tries to understand me. He does research about my mental illness but it's just me dragging him down when I know I should let go. He deserves someone better and Would be much happier than he is with me. ", "My bf [23M] of 4 years does not understand me [23F] and my depression TLDR: I have a traumatic past and long term depression which boyfriend does not understand despite discussing this. Does this mean we should not be together?\n\nI have been molested by my father as a child, bullied, and born with a birth defect (cleft lip and palette) that makes me ugly. All this has caused me long-term depression, mild form of anxiety, and self-esteem issues. I have wanted to end myself since I was a child, but I don't do it because my family cares about me. \n\nI love my boyfriend and he loves me, but when I try to talk about this he just doesn't understand me. He just says I need to think my way out of depression and that it's just my negative mentality. That by telling myself the thoughts will never end, just allows them to continue. That's all well and good, but I know it's me and that's why I hate myself. I have a decent life and yet I continue to berate myself in my head. My father died a few years ago and honestly my life has improved greatly. But I still feel tired of this world and living takes so much effort for me still. \n\nI cannot afford to get help. I have health insurance, but I would still be paying a lot out of pocket. I'm a struggling college student working a minimum wage job still living with my mom. So I feel like a useless loser and he doesn't try to understand what I'm feeling despite he's in the same situation (college, no job, w/mom). He has had a good upbringing which might explain why he's so normal. He just tries \"fixing my problem\". It seems like he listens to reply and not listens to understand. We have known each other for so long and have been together for 4 years. I feel like I could fix this, but he just doesn't take me seriously. \n\nI feel so alone with no one to talk to. I have made it through life coping alone so I don't feel like wasting time and money on therapy. Although, now it just feels like I'll be coping with my depression alone in my head with no one to talk to, not even my boyfriend is willing to listen. Every regular friend I've had just pushes me away and idk why. I actively avoided talking about my problems with friends, but when I did they didn't seem to care. That's when I decided to push others away because it's not like they care anyways. Deep down, I don't want people to care about me because then it would make it easier to disappear. I am an awful person for saying all this, but this is my reality.", "Mostly, I think I just want a mom. I've been struggling with anxiety really bad, and a lot of it has to do with my relationship with my boyfriend. This is my first boyfriend. He's a senior at a different college. He lives in the city that I go to school in." ], "top_scores": [ 16.343137741088867, 15.237752914428711, 14.905155181884766, 14.485546112060547, 14.056398391723633 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the intersection of personal mental health struggles and the complexities of navigating a romantic relationship.", "pearson_r": 0.7724321626955433, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9008, "freq": 0.06466213296335888, "mean_pos": 3.3869290351867676, "max_act": 10.581015586853027, "log_density": -1.189349967011523, "top_texts": [ "Also there isn't a single scientific study that proves empaths exist. I've met plenty of people who *claimed* they were empaths but nobody ever mentions knowing an empath.", "I would've been a good partner and father I do really well as an uncle. The kids love me, and I have a pretty good balance of play and sternness, I think. Certainly better than my parents, but that isn't difficult.\n\nI've also been told I'm a funny, considerate romantic partner (not just talking about sex), from the people who've known me well enough and/or in that way - but also, from myself, feeling somewhat confident about that aspect of my personality. It's the one thing I've always wanted above all else.\n\nBut I'll never have kids. I'm 38, and even if I wanted them, it's very unlikely, because of my love life. Which is next to nonexistent. Didn't date before I was 20. When I WAS 20, I had one few month relationship with a married woman, and we loved each other very much, but I obviously didn't get much of her time. I then had another relationship in my early thirties with someone I didn't have feelings for from the get go, but my life coach said I should try it. So I was with her for 5 months. I don't really count this one, either, since I didn't feel anything. I haven't been on a date in years, and even when I did get a few, it was one or two a year.\n\nThat's it. I'm mediocre at most things, and two of the things I think I'd excel more at, I'm never going to experience. My libido is already all but gone. So living any of my one life as a sexual being is out, now.", "I don't even play any games because I feel too incompetant at them. I have never played a single game, video or tabletop, in years. ", "And with my self-esteem sort of waving anemically between \"hardly a prize\" and \"a flavor of horror I wouldn't inflict on my worst enemy\", it's not all that surprising I've never been in a relationship in all my 31 years of life.", "Virtually non-existent. I tried dating for a bit. Didn't lead to much. I was scared of getting attached and scared of hurting my date. To this day I'm half convinced I'm utterly incapable of romantic love." ], "top_scores": [ 10.581015586853027, 9.560208320617676, 9.531574249267578, 9.529834747314453, 9.526888847351074 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is self-perception regarding romantic viability and personal adequacy in relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.2507972545688308, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 164, "freq": 0.0428048308958992, "mean_pos": 5.030109882354736, "max_act": 17.982702255249023, "log_density": -1.36850720418117, "top_texts": [ "Anxiety can be debilitating and is no joke! But having a personality disorder is a whole different can of worms unfortunately", "Yes, personality disorders are not Neurological disorders they are… personality disorders. They do not diagnose any personality disorder with any sort neurological tests aside from the Hare psychopathy checklist and this is only for severe offenders that have already been diagnosed with ASPD. I’m not sure what I’m being vague about. I’m pulling information right out of the dsm and through research on psychopathy and personality disorders in general\n\nEdit; Here is a quick definition of what a personality disorder is, what they look for this is determined before they try to make a specific diagnosis.\n\nhttps://www.merckmanuals.com/professional/psychiatric-disorders/personality-disorders/overview-of-personality-disorders", "Well, personality disorders by definition have to be outside of the norm. You're not mistaken at all, because a personality style needs to be so outside of the norm that they cause personal distress, or loss of normal occupational or social functioning, in order to be considered a disorder.", "OP’s description of symptoms is not nearly specific enough to narrow down a particular disorder, let alone a personality disorder.", "Personality disorders are chronic and long lasting. They can't be \"cured\" so to say, but you can absolutely reduce symptoms over time through therapy, and symptoms also lessen in the latter half of life" ], "top_scores": [ 17.982702255249023, 17.80266761779785, 17.791515350341797, 17.06394386291504, 16.16628074645996 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical discussion and classification of personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.46988916675058673, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3980, "freq": 0.04360088248004185, "mean_pos": 4.902986526489258, "max_act": 18.612213134765625, "log_density": -1.3605047105795864, "top_texts": [ "Anyone else that has BPD constantly tired/exhausted and doesn't have much energy a lot of the time?", "Oh I definitely recognize that. The more people are there, the more exhausting it is. Interacting with any of them also costs a lot of energy. The thing is, I can communicate quite well and also in a social setting...but I hate doing it cause it drains me of all the energy I have.", "Pregnancy - more energy? When women get pregnant, the first few weeks most people complain about nausea, sore breasts, extreme tiredness. \n\nWhen I was pregnant (I lost the baby at 6 weeks), I had all the energy in the world. I read that this is more common among adhd women. Is it? Did you experience the same?", "No energy to do anything I find that I have no energy to do anything. I am somehow able to make it to work everyday, but when I get back home I just mentally die and do nothing. \n\nIts not just things that I need to do, but I cant really play video games or watch Netflix either. It's just too tiring. I don't even understand how watching TV is tiring, even if it's something I've seen before. But it feels like it requires so much energy to watch something. I have no idea why and I hate it. All I can do is lay in bed and mindlessly scroll on Reddit. \n\nNot really sure if there's something I can do to fix it. Or if someone had any similar issues.\n", "Keeping up social energy on vacation Any advice on how to boost mental/social energy while on vacation?\n\n(I have chronic pain and fatigue and POTS on top of adhd.. little side note)\n\nWhile on vacation I notice I get socially/mentally fatigued by afternoon/evening time. Sometimes I want to want to feel like going out, continuing the fun, doing some other activity but I just feel like my eyes are fatigued and like I have to TRY to have an upbeat mood/personality. \n\nHow do I boost that energy or get a second wind? I feel like people I’m on vacation with probably think “we are on vacation... let’s have fun... why waste time laying around inside... what’s the next activity?”\nI’m just drained even though the ideas they have sound fun... my brain is tired" ], "top_scores": [ 18.612213134765625, 17.432811737060547, 17.139591217041016, 16.574007034301758, 16.113370895385742 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the experience of chronic fatigue, low energy, and the depletion of mental or social resources.", "pearson_r": 0.4841977139573385, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4552, "freq": 0.05349466645438625, "mean_pos": 3.950258493423462, "max_act": 12.885162353515625, "log_density": -1.271689507895766, "top_texts": [ "No one will help you if you're not \"pretty\" That's the sad truth, and it fucking sucks.", "I'm in that mood yesterday. Everyone just trying to be helpful but i'd say \"Can you do it or not?.\" or \"I didn't ask you to, i said i'll do it.\". Feeling like i was right and then feel miserable afterwards cause they're just trying to help", "can't help my closest people suffering I am probably depressed for years, but even my experiences I am not able to help someone suffering. It makes me feel powerless.. I hate it.\n\nWhy I am not prepared after all. I just want to take all their paint, put it on me and let them breath. Why I am so weak. I want to help them. I am trying.. but nothing helps. It is soo much harder than face it on my own.\n\nSorry for wasting your time. Thank you.", "Or we never get help, and we just die. I’ve seen that happen too.", "I don't ask for help When in desperate need. I'm screaming inside. In agony needing somebody to just ask if I'm okay! Why can't I just ask the people close to me If they're willing to be a listening ear? I'm thinking to myself. they have issues in their life's that they are struggling with. Who am I to add to the weight that they have to carry. even on the flipside if their life is going great. They don't deserve for me to be a buzzkill.\n When being told the justifications for reaching out and asking for help I understand the logic. it makes complete sense. I wish my emotions didnt disagree. I'm a slave! My own subconscious is choking me." ], "top_scores": [ 12.885162353515625, 11.958115577697754, 11.944701194763184, 11.848851203918457, 11.812952041625977 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The internal conflict and emotional distress surrounding the inability to seek, accept, or provide help.", "pearson_r": 0.12142136031350663, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3170, "freq": 0.04323697318443378, "mean_pos": 4.855411052703857, "max_act": 19.537450790405273, "log_density": -1.3641447065083707, "top_texts": [ "To be honest, nobody is that ugly. There may be cases of people with genetic defects, but there's almost always something you can do for self-improvement. We see instances of people with actual facial defects who are dating women that look incredible. It's because those women can see beyond the outside.\n\nI'm not saying it's easy to live with what you perceive to be ugly, but it shouldn't make you hate others. I consider myself ugly in some ways, but women still show interest. I think it's just my perception, or if there is a defect, we exaggerate it. Nobody is analyzing you under a microscope. It's about your social skills, and how well you can interact with others. Looks aren't as important as you might think. I've seen instances of people in our paradigm of beauty who are considered ugly, and yet they have lots of friends and partners. So I wouldn't worry too much about these things.\n\nAnyways, if you're not happy with the way you look, change things that are within your control. I do this as much as I can, so you'll at least look average to good. You'll blend in with the rest of society.", "self hate. Someone please help me. I feel like i’m losing my mind and the stress/depression from this is literally making me physically ill. My depression is due to many reasons but what kills me most is something I have no control over. I am repulsed by my physical appearance, particularly my face. I honestly fight the urge to cry every time I look in the mirror. \n\nI try everything I can to look better. I have a strict skincare routine, I take care of my body as best as I can. But i’m still unattractive. \n\nThe thing is...this is becoming an obstacle on so many levels...I hate going out because I feel so uncomfortable in my skin. School, work, whatever...I hate being around people. I can make friends easily, sure, but i’m never able to keep any because of the deep insecurities I have. I feel truly ugly. I’ve got personality but my looks get in the way, I feel. The fact that I have no control over my face but can’t seem to move forward with life (like most people can) is making me mental. ", "Why am I so fucking ugly. I think I used to look good when I was about 10-13.\nThen I started getting acne and my face started growing and getting fucked.\nMy nose is huge, my eyes are asymmetrical, my jaw is asymmetrical, my face is fat as fuck even though Im thin as a stick, My teeth are yellow and asymmetrical, One ear sticks out really much while the other one is flat. Literally everything is wrong with me. I never go out anymore and every time i see myself in the mirror I get one step closer to killing myself. And when I see myself in the camera I look like a fucking freak, like I belong in a zoo. Everyone around me is so fucking perfect. I dont have any friends and nobody likes me, Its just a matter of time before I do it.", "Reality has set in for me and it's becoming clear that I need to just end my life I'm an ugly, weird, socially awkward, mentally ill outcast that everyone either feels sorry for or makes fun of. \n\nI've been battling with depression for more than a decade now and I'm only 23. I've been on countless medications, been to numerous inpatient and outpatient facilities, and talked to plenty of therapists. All the self improvement and self care I do won't change the fact that I'm ugly.\n\nI suffer from severe depression and anxiety because of how people have treated me based on how my face looks. I've been bullied, manipulated, talked down to and dehumanized by people for almost all of my life because of something I can't even fucking control. I didn't ask to look like this. I didn't ask to be born by a hideous father who can't even be a father to his son.\n\nI have very few good friends and I feel like even they befriend me for sympathy. I've had girlfriends and I am currently in a relationship but I feel like she isn't even attracted to me like that. I'm a good guy and everything but I'm ugly. You can say girls will look past that all you want but sexual attraction is necessary in a healthy relationship. It's becoming clear that I don't do that for her.\n\nIf I wasn't ugly, my life would be completely different. And no I don't want to hear that bullshit \"it's what's on the inside that counts\". Many don't know what it's like to experience the lookism people like me face. At the end of the day, humans judge other humans by how they look. I am repulsive looking due to my big oddly shaped nose. People have and will either make fun of me, be overly fake nice to me to feed their ego or be genuinely friendly to me yet feel sorry for me. It may not seem that bad for the average person reading this but if you were in my shoes, you would've killed yourself years ago.\n\nMy mom is the only thing keeping me here but part of me feels like she'll become stronger if I end my life. No one else besides her really cares about me.\nMy childhood and adolescence sucked and adulthood is going to be even harder. Why keep living a life that has been cursed by my facial features? I might as well just kill myself and do everyone including myself a favor", "I'm black and grew up in a very white area. I'm nearly 40 and to this day, I find myself incredibly ugly. Other than my hair and my skin tone, I hate the way I look and liking my hair is pretty recent development. I was never considered pretty by my peers in school and that's greatly affected how I see myself as an adult. I've just given up on ever finding any satisfaction in what I look like. I rarely put myself out there, in terms of being out there in the world, because I feel so incredibly ugly and that it's just pointless." ], "top_scores": [ 19.537450790405273, 19.29888916015625, 17.897968292236328, 17.591873168945312, 17.5809268951416 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents intense body dysmorphia and self-loathing centered on physical appearance.", "pearson_r": 0.5177464309931423, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9942, "freq": 0.029840562239861715, "mean_pos": 6.99538516998291, "max_act": 20.758895874023438, "log_density": -1.5251929838248584, "top_texts": [ "in my opinion no one whatsoever tht isn't struggling would say they have autism. \nautism didn't have as good of a rep especially when getting hired.", "Anyone else here have autism as well as depression? I'm 24m with high functioning autism. I'm just wondering because to me life is hard to grasp when you have autism and, as I've noticed, it's even harder when depression hits.\n\nI'm sure there are some of you... i guess i just feel alone and so alienated that i wish somebody could relate. I wish i wasn't alone but i am. \n\nDepression is hard for me to put in words. In fact, i seem to not understand anything as is and it's so frustrating. \n\nI'm just wondering if there is anyone out there who feels like i do. Because right now, it feels like I'm an alien on the wrong fucking planet and I'm drowning from its atmosphere. I hate being different. \n\nI wish for true anonymity.", "lol Back then there really was no spectrum and having autism meant you were mostly likely non-verbal, had to wear a helmet (so you wouldn't hurt yourself) and had to be in a self contained class.", "That has nothing to be with being autistic, \"normal,\" or anything else.", "i am not saying people with autism can't be bad, I am saying that when someone shows symptoms tht are similar to autism , people's mindset somehow think 'she must be horrible' and when I said something like 'maybe she didn't give eye contact because she has autism ' they act like I say something worse than what they said.\nthere is a HUGE difference between someone saying racist things and actually doing something horrible (like calling people names and being a bad person) vs some behavior that actually CAN be autism(for example, not posting something happy the same day your family died because they actually don't understand the social impact of it OR leaving a party because it's too loud or just actually not understanding social cues). it is important recognize this rather than always assuming when people say someone is bad than tht means it's true. \nthis is my point. nowhere did I ever say people with autism can't be bad." ], "top_scores": [ 20.758895874023438, 20.38377571105957, 19.612361907958984, 19.433090209960938, 18.85455894470215 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents discussions regarding the social perception, diagnosis, and lived experience of autism spectrum disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.5134981863738186, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9052, "freq": 0.05108376737098278, "mean_pos": 4.083743572235107, "max_act": 16.383056640625, "log_density": -1.2917170729912768, "top_texts": [ "What’s the point Anyone else here just fail to see the point in anything sometimes? I have a girlfriend, a roof over my head, have a year left in college, etc. so overall everything is going well, but I just can’t shake this feeling that all of this shit doesn’t matter. In 10000 years, what we do on this planet won’t matter at all. Not, even trump being president won’t matter at some point in the future. I guess this nihilistic thinking has its pros but overall it’s just really depressing when I think about it. ", "i don’t want to do anything in 2015 i realized after a lot of thinking that nothing anyone does will ever matter. i am going to die some day and nothing i can do will ever matter because of that. so why do anything? i don’t want to die, i don’t hate myself, but i literally can’t do anything with myself because of that way of thinking. i am 20 years old (21 at the end of the month), high school drop out, and haven’t done anything with myself for 4 years. i wake up, go on my computer for the entirety of the day, get in bed. but then it kinda always comes back to this. thinking to myself “why don’t i do something with my life? i’m wasting so much space everywhere i go. i should give back to society and not be useless” but then i think about how i’m jusy going to die so what’s the point? what is the point of anything? ", "I think like this, sometimes. But more and more, when I start thinking about how meaningless it all is, I just kind of laugh. Yeah, it's meaningless. But to me that means there's no point in getting down about it, either.\n\nI'm not denying it's scary or oppressive at times. But on the other hand, when I start spiraling about something, I can sometimes stop myself from blowing things out of proportion by remembering that on the cosmic scale *there is no meaning.* \n\nI don't tell myself \"in 100 years this won't matter.\" It's not other people's opinions I worry about; it's my own inner space that I'm focused on. I just ask myself what something means to me in the \"fleck of dust hurtling through space\" kind of way. It's turning into a comfort.", "What's the point? There is no point in surviving if everyday you just go to bed and cry yourself to sleep because of yet another shitty day. If everyday you are reminded of how the one you love the most now doesn't care about or even want you anymore, tells you he *might* love you again if you change yourself according to a list that he approves of. What's the point in that? You're just a waste of space and energy at this point. You're staying alive because a handful of people would be sad if you died or disappeared. But they'll move on eventually, right? So what's the fucking point?", "For anyone who thinks life is pointless Life is actually totally pointless, there is no meaning. The meaning of life is not to breed, it is not surviving and not dying. In life there is suffering, so much suffering. My rich relative from the US took away our apartment. I was raised by a single mom, who then worked as a teacher. I didn’t have a rich life, jet I still was and am happy, because I DON’T NEED TO FIND POINT IN EVERYTHING I DO, okey. \nListen people, life sucks, okey, so keep going(or you can kill yourself, your choice) don’t ask why, what is the point, these questions just make you stuck in depression. Life sucks, BIG DEAL! You have to work to over come it, start by doing the things you like, like petting a dog or a cat, eating you favorite ice-cream, little things. \nYou are probably never-ever going to get rich, you are probably never-ever going to get famous, but this is not an excuse to say that life sucks, and take medication and saying that “OMG I AM SOO DEPRESSED, LIKE OMG”. \nSome people really have it bad, some people starve, luckily growing up I didn’t starve. You have to focus on the great thing’s. WHY? \nWell you don’t but just SHUT THE F*** UP THEN, I am tired of hearing that life is pointless and that I want to kill myself. \n\nP.S. I am a white male, I am straight, I am a capitalistic and I believe there are two genders, also English is not my first language so yeah I understand that I have spelling mistakes\n[for people who want to comment hate, all hate is welcomed ;) ]" ], "top_scores": [ 16.383056640625, 14.389222145080566, 14.367105484008789, 14.123713493347168, 13.896106719970703 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents existential nihilism and the questioning of life's inherent purpose.", "pearson_r": 0.6234069204142044, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5428, "freq": 0.04814974867514272, "mean_pos": 4.2691874504089355, "max_act": 16.221555709838867, "log_density": -1.3174059663792557, "top_texts": [ "Is it okay to cope with depression alone? Hello friends.\n\nI've delt with depression for the last 12 years or so, and I win most battles these days, but sometimes it comes back, and over the most STUPID things.\n\nI'll save the long story of the last couple of days, but, in summary, I haven't been able to do my homework, I'm too distracted to read, all I've done is watch movies, and I rescheduled a job interview over it.\n\nTHE ISSUE: I always think talking to people will make it better, but it seldom does. When I'm depressed, I legitimately think I cope better when I can be alone with my thoughts. It's like nothing anyone ever says is anything I want to hear, even if I thought I wanted to hear it. I'm an introvert by nature, and I treasure my alone time. \n\nTHE QUESTION: Is it okay to want to be alone and to think you do better fighting it on your own? When I'm alone I like to write and read with no distractions. I also play games and talk to my cat. It doesn't feel destructive, but I don't think people condone being alone when you're struggling with depression.\n\nThoughts and comments are appreciated.", "Want to be alone Does anyone else here have a significant other and they get very excited to see them and love them very much. \n\n Yet somehow, now and the are struck with the feeling of no desire to be in a relationship at all and be completely alone? \n\nMy boyfriend means the world to me but sometimes I wonder if it’s my anxiety and depression telling me to “break up with him” or “be alone” when one minute I’m happy and the other I feel alone.\n\nI know deep in my heart he is a good person and I need some space now and then. \n\nIt doesn’t stop that I feel like a terrible person for thinking/feeling it. ", "I'm afraid to be left alone with myself As I trawl through Instagram - past layers and layers of rock climbing, bike-packing, national geographic, adventuring, van-dwelling, log-cabin-fireside-coffee drinking people - I am stricken by a sudden mortal terror. \n\nI had a singular thought. Why am I not doing anything like this? Swiftly followed by another; because you are terrified of being alone with yourself. \n\nI learnt how to drive. I bought an old, beat-up junk car. I've got eco-friendly camping stove lighters, too many backpacks of varying sizes, an inflatable mattress for the car, a special filtering straw to make dirty water safe to drink. I've got a single tent, a decent sleeping bag, a drybag, a hammock, a wind shelter. I've got a hydration pack, firelighters, a pocket knife. I've got a bike. I've got all my rock climbing gear. I've got my auntie willing to give me her unused kayak for free; if I'd only go and collect it from her. \n\nI've got a dozen hiking, canoe trail, and rock climbing apps on my phone. But I don't have an image in my head of me living that life in my head. I've got all the shit I need, impulse-buys and one-click wonders. But every time I try to imagine myself out there, I just see my desolate, wrecked self reflected back at me. \n\nI'm out there, but I'm also lying in bed here. I'm in the forest, but I'm also crying in my car at 02:00 because I don't want anyone else to hear me. I'm on the lake, but I'm also pacing frenetically around my room, sliding the scalpel across my arms. \n\nI can't see me out there without it being tethered to the me in here. I am so utterly terrified at the thought of being alone with myself. My distrust of the world is like a deep vein, but my distrust of my self lines my bones. Intrinsically tied. Buried at my core. \n\nI don't know how to see the world beyond what I know. I don't know how to be alone, with myself. Who am I alone? How painful it is to be alone.", "DAE fall into spirals of depression when they're alone for too long? I've only recently noticed that whenever I've spent the best part of a day (10 hours) alone I end up feeling like shit. I just end up feeling unmotivated, lonely, unloved and desperate for someone to socialise with me. It's gotten to the point I dread the weekends because i never have plans or it's the 'rest' day of my friends. My friends are all wonderful but they do need their time alone and i respect that. \n\nWhat do you do to avoid falling into the hole of depression when youre alone?? How can i stop it? Why does this happen? God i fucking hate this illness.", "Being alone all the time is killin me I cant stand being alone this long. I feel like im breaking at the seams. Like my mentality is fractured. I hear my demons of past sometimes, i see things too, and now i feel lile theyre causing me nightmares. The kids rooms are empty, their beds are cold, the place isnt riddled with the screams of loud tots of hyperactivity. Its just...i dunno maybe i shouldnt have posted. Too late, i have texted too much now to not post. Eh fukkit!" ], "top_scores": [ 16.221555709838867, 13.884833335876465, 13.373443603515625, 13.243949890136719, 13.143198013305664 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological distress and emotional instability associated with being alone or experiencing solitude.", "pearson_r": 0.6902434271123824, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10043, "freq": 0.04182682466395251, "mean_pos": 4.899672508239746, "max_act": 17.694053649902344, "log_density": -1.3785450937970958, "top_texts": [ "Job hunting when depressed Hello, I'm looking for a bit of advice. I've had persistent depressive disorder/dysthymia (as well as anxiety) for longer than I can remember. I finished my BA back in August and had originally intended to spend this year working any old part-time job to pay off loans and apply to grad schools, but in September I realized I didn't have the qualifications to apply and that grad school is no longer an option. I've been looking for full time work (preferably something that doesn't aggravate my physical and mental problems) since but am still unemployed. While there are some other factors at play my depression is definitely a major roadblock in my job hunting. \n\nUgh, I've rewritten this part at least ten times already, I'm not going to try to filter anymore, so let's start with the fact that I'm a perfectionist and it can easily take me several days to write and submit an application. I feel terrible about this because I keep getting told that I should be sending out six or more applications a day, yet if it isn't perfect I feel like no one will even look at me and it will all be a waste of time. Because of my depression I'm not really interested in any job posting so I instead tend to apply based on whether the posting meets my needs and whether I have the qualifications. I know that the qualifications part is an employer's wish list and at first I was sort of ignoring them and just sending in an application anyway emphasizing the point that I enjoy learning and am willing to learn, but I never heard back and started kicking myself for wasting time on these applications so now am back to only apply to positions I think I could get. \n\nI've had a few interviews for positions I actually found myself wanting but my self-esteem is so low I have trouble selling myself, I'll get asked a question like \"why are you the ideal person for this position?\" and I know that there are others out there that are better than me so I make something up and I feel not only am I coming off as flat/boring/not good enough but also as a liar. In some of the group interviews I could tell the other people were really enthusiastic about the position/company and feel I can't compete because while I want the job it's not like it's my life's ambition or something.\n\nI don't know what kind of advice I'm hoping for but just anything relating to job hunting while depressed. As a recent graduate I have next to nothing financially and am living with my mother and she's hinted a few times in the last two months that maybe I should just go back to the job I had in high school (the same job that exacerbated my anxiety/depression to the point where I was suicidal) so I'm out of the house and can pay my own dues (she's bought and paid for a lot for me since I finished university). I want a job so that I can stop being anxious about not having money and not feel like a failure and maybe be able to go back to counselling and try a few more anti-depressants but I don't think I can handle being back in food or retail (I could barely handle it when I was hopeful about the future).\n\nSorry, this turned into a longer post than it needed to be. Thank you in advance for any advice.", "Job loss, job rejections, anxiety Due to a Joint Powers Agreement myself and some colleagues will be axed starting in June. I've been scrambling to apply for jobs. I'm taking those 3 hour exams if I'm lucky, going to interviews if I'm even luckier. Today, I received a rejection email from a position where the only reason I got a chance to interview was because I knew a guy who was married to the woman who interviewed me...and I still fucked it up.\n\nI've been looking for FT employment for years. I have a bachelor's degree. A shitty one, but a degree nonetheless, and plenty of work experience between various part-time jobs I hold at the same time to supplement each other. \n\nI don't know how to not feel like shit right now.", "Hate looking for jobs I've been unemployed for a few years, and been trying to find work during that time. Not ONCE have I gotten lucky with a paid job; plenty of interviews, but nothing more. It's getting to the point where even searching for jobs is making me angry and sad, because part of me thinks I'll never even get past step one of an interview process. I'm trying to stay positive on it, but when you're looking for so long, get so close to it, only to lose out to a \"better choice\", you can only take so much..", "I'm 24 and have massive amounts of stress going on with job hunting. I live with parents who are constantly on my back and getting angry with me for not having a job. They keep trying to help me by saying \"oh this place is hiring and that place is hiring again.\" I have tried all places where I live and every time I don't get an interview let alone hired. Even if they have a sign up that they are hiring, they tell me \"sorry we're not hiring right now.\"", "Job applications are so frustrating! I'm applying for jobs in my field and I'm frustrated with how long it seems to take me. (I posted a similar question in [r/jobs](https://www.reddit.com/r/jobs/) but I wanted to post here too, since I think my struggle with job applications is related to my ADHD, and wondered if anyone else had similar experiences. I'm finding that I either get hyper-focused on each application (such as tailoring my work history and job duties to be more relevant to the position), OR the application asks me a question that I don't immediately know the answer to, and I have to go hunting for it. That means I have to shift gears, and tear myself away from the application, which is distracting. I did start a list of information that I can copy/paste into online applications, like previous salaries, etc. But it still seems to take me a long time (nearly a full working day) to get even two applications done) and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong." ], "top_scores": [ 17.694053649902344, 16.519094467163086, 16.2462100982666, 15.487404823303223, 14.76712417602539 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological distress and emotional exhaustion associated with the job search process.", "pearson_r": 0.7349769510712281, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8078, "freq": 0.03789205540519026, "mean_pos": 5.397092342376709, "max_act": 14.76553726196289, "log_density": -1.4214518248862014, "top_texts": [ "Yup. That was our mom. She was like that with everything in our lives. I consider her to be very sadistic", "Ok, so I am an expert with cutting off family. I stopped talking to my mother in 2013 and didn't talk to her again until 2019 with my aunt acting as a sort of intermediary. First of all, I am glad your mom is seeking help and improving. A lot of people don't improve and don't take responsibility for their actions. \n\nHowever you are responsible for your own health and healing, not hers. If interacting with her comes with a cost/injury to you then just don't interact with her. You can always reach out to her later (months? years?) when your mental health is stronger.", "\"I failed you. You have no concept of love.\" -My Mother Thanks mom, now I have yet another thing to talk about in therapy. Worst part is, I can't even tell if she's right. ", "My mother is a witch My mother is evil. She likes to humiliate me and make me feel bad. I’m pretty sure she wants me dead. But I feel I cant ran away from her cause I know she can destroy me where ever I go. \nShe is the devil. All my life I have wonder why she hates me so much and don’t know. She turned everybody against me. \nIm trapped", "Advice? Tl;dr: My mother might be adding considerable amounts of stress on me, but is in denial. She’s also an amazing woman who is incredibly supportive of me and is struggling with PTSD/Depression. \n\nI discovered something very disturbing to me just now. I recently moved back in with family after a breakdown and have been doing better than I ever have in my life. My mother is my best friend and we’ve suffered through a lot of our trauma together. We’re the only ones that truly understand each other’s situation. My therapist has mentioned our codependent nature but I’ve always brushed it off until today. \nYesterday we got into an argument (like we often do) and I decided to record most of it. I was shocked. I’d always thought that I had been the aggressive one. I thought that I misinterpreted situations and that it was only my issue to deal with. During that seven minute video I heard her yell at me nonstop while I cried. This was because I asked her to not speak to me aggressively in the car. She was babbling. I just wanted it to stop. I was so frustrated. I haven’t had an episode in over a month. I’m afraid my mother might be keeping me from getting better but I really have no choice but to live here. I’m scared because I know I’m the only one that understands what she’s going through as well. I want to be here with her but I feel like she needs more help than I do at this point. " ], "top_scores": [ 14.76553726196289, 13.524616241455078, 13.414209365844727, 13.390475273132324, 13.094491958618164 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the complex, often traumatic, and strained emotional dynamics within the mother-child relationship.", "pearson_r": 0.4728298381454895, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6759, "freq": 0.0632519844428776, "mean_pos": 3.218632698059082, "max_act": 9.366740226745605, "log_density": -1.19892583768807, "top_texts": [ "I really need a listening ear and help right now. I'm sorry, I'm just going through a really rough time this very moment and I've got no one to talk to.", "At this very moment, money issues are a concern. To be honest, everything is bothering me. I don't have relationships, a proper job, and nothing changes. I also have other health issues, so those don't help things either.", "I feel desperate now. I just want someone I can talk to. I’ve exhausted all my friends and family and I can’t blame them for it. I have absolutely no one right now. I feel so alone and just want a lifeline.", "It’s becoming more and more common in my opinion, nobody cares about anyone else but themselves anymore really. Narcissistic traits are rampant", "Are you having a crisis right now? It sounds like it. Try calling your therapist." ], "top_scores": [ 9.366740226745605, 8.333059310913086, 8.239459037780762, 8.228516578674316, 7.698576927185059 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents an urgent, immediate need for social support and interpersonal connection during a crisis.", "pearson_r": 0.3538578589945181, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2764, "freq": 0.042122500966634065, "mean_pos": 4.781967639923096, "max_act": 18.510438919067383, "log_density": -1.3754858407621415, "top_texts": [ "I often feel overwhelmed by pain I wish I could suggest ways to kill the pain that were both healthy and fast-acting, but I haven't found them yet.\n\nIf you feel the need to harm yourself, please go to the nearest hospital as soon as possible. If you can't do that, tell someone how you are feeling and ask them to sit with you. If you can't do either of those things, at least get rid of anything that you might use to harm yourself.\n\nTry to take comfort in the fact that the pain will subside. It always does and it always will. All feelings change, just like everything else in life does. \n\nSome people suggest that you examine the pain without judgement. \n\n1. Acknowledge that you are in pain. \n2. Try to let go of feeling upset that you are in pain. Being upset increases the pain. \n3. Look at what is causing the pain. Ignoring the pain causes increases the pain.\n\nPersonally, I find it very difficult to step back in that way, but the idea seems sensible.\n\nAgain, talk to people. Ask them to sit with you, or better yet, take you to the hospital.", "I guess I was wrong in saying my pain is a 3 most of the time. By this chart its a 4-5. Dang, I have been undervaluing my own pain, cause I have gotten to a 10, so to me a 5 is more like a 6/7", "Higher, for sure. And yes I’d say I do enjoy pain while hypo", "Okaay, I have this pain and discomfort 24/7 and it doesn't lessen with any pain killer or anything.", "Sure, I wish at times that I wouldn't be in pain as much as I am, but at the same time I know there are no do-overs, so there's no point in wishing it. But I don't think it's unfair to wish sometimes that the pain would be a little less." ], "top_scores": [ 18.510438919067383, 17.016624450683594, 16.562047958374023, 16.319320678710938, 16.250154495239258 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and quantification of chronic or persistent physical and emotional pain.", "pearson_r": 0.648560352606796, "pred_f1": 0.7692307692307693 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5076, "freq": 0.042372688607364616, "mean_pos": 4.7038655281066895, "max_act": 11.799934387207031, "log_density": -1.372913968272691, "top_texts": [ "maybe. but more specifically, everyone “becomes” (opens up about thoughts) suicidal when we get painfully close", "Fuck life (not suicidal) Ever have one of those just fuck life situations? Like you’re not suicidal or shit you just like give up? Yeah same.", "Does having suicidal thoughts mean you don't want to own up to your responsibilities? Hi, I apologize if I've posted this in a wrong place but this is kinda my first question on Reddit and I had subscribed to this sub. \n\nSo anyway, I'm 26 and I have been living with my parents for the past four months. Quit my job in another city because of something terrible I went through at my workplac and came back to my hometown (parents still don't know the actual reason why I quit).\nI've been giving interviews since the past four months but I've always faced rejection. So I joined online courses to get better at prepping myself for interviews, still hasn't worked. :(\nThat, added to my body weight issue (which parents make me feel guilty about every single day) fuelled my depression of couple years (i was clinically depressed two years ago and never told my parents about it) and I started feeling low. Eventually I started to have suicidal thoughts thinking it's an easy way out. \nBeen having panic attacks since the past couple of months. Had an anxiety attack yesterday.\nSo yesterday night I finally had the courage to talk to my parents about what I was going through.\nTurns out my mom thought that me being suicidal or having those thoughts is just me being lazy and not wanting to own up to my responsibilities and not wanting to work on myself, and I'd rather leech off their hard work than do something for myself.\nNow the issue here is, I've tried and tried my best to get over this feeling. But I quickly relapse into it after things don't seem right.\nAm I the one who's completely at fault here and my parents are right about me trying to run away from my parents and not wanting to do anything actively about changing myself?\nP.S: Sorry for the long post. :(", "A friend keeps telling me he’s suicidal I have a freind that keeps telling me that he’s suicidal. Anything that’s said that is on the topic of suicide he says aloud ‘that’s me!’. \nI’m pretty sure he’s attention seeking as it’s something he would do, but then again I don’t want to take his emotions for granted.\nThis has been occurring for about five months now, of him constantly just telling everyone he’s suicidal.\n\nDoes anyone have any advice?", "Why is it that when you tell people you're having suicidal thoughts nothing comes of it? I am tired of being told to reach out or express my feelings. I am tired of seeing people on social media post \"check on your friends!\" After someone commits suicide. In the past month I've had a few moments of desperation where I've revealed these thoughts to a close friend, my dad, and another family member. Their reactions were either to tell me to focus on the positive, that it was normal or that I was being negative and \"haven't tried everything yet\" for my health (I have a chronic pain condition.) Ive always been taught that you should reach out if you have these thoughts, call a hotline, tell someone trusted, and when I finally overcame my anxieties and did so it was brushed off. How much more of an obvious cry for help can I give? Has anyone else had this problem? How can I get help? " ], "top_scores": [ 11.799934387207031, 11.613436698913574, 11.373970985412598, 11.141265869140625, 11.103251457214355 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the explicit discussion, contemplation, or interpersonal navigation of suicidal ideation.", "pearson_r": 0.8113291194225039, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6313, "freq": 0.030773079809857395, "mean_pos": 6.476526260375977, "max_act": 19.14154815673828, "log_density": -1.5118290227079019, "top_texts": [ "Alcohol makes me extremely depressed. Hello everyone. I've been struggling with depression for many many years, but last year has been especially bad; basically since I started going to university. From time to time I'd get super drunk when I was home alone. It helped distract me from the pain, relax and enjoy the moment. I went abroad to work last summer with some friends, and we were drinking and partying heavily during the weekends. It was one of the best summers ever, and definitely the happiest I've been during last year or two. After I came back home, it hit me again. So I tried to drink it away as I was doing all summer, but it stopped working. When I drink now I get extremely depressed. Sometimes already during the night, usually when I wake up the next day. I hate myself much much more than regularly, can't get out of bed not because I'd have a hungover, I'm just super fucking depressed. It also has nothing to do with how the night of drinking went. I could be having the best time and suddenly my mood drops to the deepest depression, sooner or later. Any of you with the similar experience?", "Does anyone else get a serious low for a few days following drinking alcohol? I'm normally a relatively positive guy. I've dealt with depression in the past and still have low points at certain times in the year, however almost without fail if I drink excessively, the days following are filled with guilt, regret, and a general depression and anxiousness.\n\nJust wondering if anyone else experiences this", "Same, drinking just makes me feel happy and I have no inhibitions. Idk why OP thinks aspd makes you not have any affects from alcohol because that's just not true. Props to you for quitting drinking though, I just can't get myself to stop.", "severe depression after a night of drinking it’s my birthday this weekend. i went out drinking with some friends. i have always been a severely depressed person but after this night of drinking, i felt like i was going to die. i had suicidal thoughts, could not stop crying and didn’t leave my bed or my room. in addition, during the actual drinking i kept having invasive thoughts like “nobody likes you”, “no one wants to be at your birthday”, “they only came because they pity you” etc. as i got drunker these disappeared but returned back in the morning. i felt like i had no control of my thoughts or feelings and that there was no hope for anything. \n\ni was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they have decided to stop drinking because of this. ", "Drinking I really screwed up again, bringing me back here. On our 4 year anniversay and one of the biggest nights of my fiance's life, I drank too much and got out of control. Night started off great, happy and fun with many people but I had too many and it all changed. I got angry, uncontrollable, and threatening suicide. My fiance had to leave her event to wait in a police car and filing missing person reports. Ended up being sent to hospital forcibly to be checked out. \n\nI really fucked up. I have never felt more awful about anything. I am 23 years old, I love going out and drinking. It is fun and great, but these instances are really difficult for me and others around me. 90% of the time I am fine when I drink, fun and not depressed. But when I do get depressed, it goes from 0-100 really quick. No middle ground. \n\nWhat do other people here use to not get depressed, suicidal, or out of control with anxiety when drinking? I just want to be more aware and be more responsible, not quit drinking. If I know it is coming I can maybe stop drinking or not drink at all, just not sure how to gauge.\n\nThanks for your support crew." ], "top_scores": [ 19.14154815673828, 18.72077751159668, 18.68801498413086, 18.369640350341797, 18.314985275268555 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of alcohol-induced emotional distress, specifically the exacerbation of depression or negative mood following alcohol consumption.", "pearson_r": 0.45544681006842624, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2754, "freq": 0.03589055427934587, "mean_pos": 5.540958881378174, "max_act": 18.135658264160156, "log_density": -1.4450198224444055, "top_texts": [ "Has anyone had Wellbutrin added as a supplement to Lexapro? Did it make you feel worse? I've been on Lexapro for over a year now, and I'm currently at 20mg. Lexapro just helps me function and doesn't really enhance my mood much. But I hit a point where it wasn't helping much, and my doctor prescribed Wellbutrin XL 150mg to take with my Lexapro. It did help me get back to the point where I could function again, but now I just constantly feel down.\n\nI actually ran out of my Wellbutrin and haven't been able to get to a pharmacy because I commute to my college and have spent 12 hours on campus all week. But I've noticed that I actually feel much better without the Wellbutrin??? I just don't feel as clouded and irritable as I have recently, even with a lot of personal issues slapping me in the face.\n\nI take Lexapro in the morning and Wellbutrin at night before I go to sleep.\n\nHas anyone else gone through this? If so, what did your doctor recommend?", "Switching from Zoloft to Effexor Has anyone had any luck with Effexor? All the stories I've read are about how it fucked up their lives...\n\nI got back on Zoloft a few months ago and since then I've had a whole slew of side effects that really made life difficult so I had a follow up today and told my Dr I wanted to switch to something different, so he suggested Effexor since I haven't had much luck with SSRI's (i was on lexapro about 5-6 years back and it was hell). Is there anyone who's had a good experience with it, and any major side effects I should watch out for? \n\nWith Zoloft, it completely killed my appetite, my migraines got much worse, I was sleeping 12 hours a day and could barely stay awake, and my anxiety was worse. ", "Wellbutrin XL and Lexapro side effects Hey all,\n\nI've been on Lexapro (generic) for a couple years now, no issues. Currently 20mg dropping to 15mg tomorrow.\n\nThis week I started Wellbutrin XL (generic) at 150mg. I feel good, little wired, but not bad.\n\nI'm concerned with the possibility of seizures. I've brought this up to my doctor, waiting on a response, but I figured I'd get more opinions.\n\nI have no history of seizures, no plans to go above 150mg.\n\nAny thoughts, am I worried for nothing?\n\nThanks!", "Has anyone here successfully quit SSRIs after taking them for years? I’ve been taking Fluoxetine (Prozac) for many years now.\n\nI’m fed up with feeling tired all the time, always hungry, lethargic and basically, lacking emotion.\n\nOn Friday I went from 60mg per day to 40mg per day and I’m going to stay there for a while until I’ve spoke to my doctor. I know that just cutting out SSRIs without tapering can be problematic.\n\nAny advice or personal experiences will be much appreciated!", "Has an SSRI or SNRI actually worked for you? Ah, I meant a**** SSRI... Anyways...\n\nI've tried 3 SSRI's-- Prozac (shaking, tremors, ineffective, no libido), Zoloft (ineffective, dry mouth), Celexa (ineffective, dry mouth, no libido). None worked.\n\nMy doc just started me on Cymbalta, which is an SNRI. So far, I think it is working? I feel happier, I suppose but I still sleep all day and have no desire to do anything.\n\nMaybe I am misdiagnosed, but I don't know anyone personally whose depression has improved through anti-depressants.\n\nWhat is your experience? What has worked for you?" ], "top_scores": [ 18.135658264160156, 17.041885375976562, 16.277175903320312, 16.250150680541992, 15.524482727050781 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion and evaluation of specific psychiatric medication regimens, side effects, and dosage adjustments.", "pearson_r": 0.7965971182357307, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7344, "freq": 0.04476084335979257, "mean_pos": 4.406323432922363, "max_act": 16.76767349243164, "log_density": -1.3491017296204537, "top_texts": [ "I feel anxious about being hospitalized After admitting how bad my symptoms are to my Dr and feeling suicidal throughout the day, she said It would be helpful for me to be hospitalized for a while. I also had an appointment with an other doctor today who supported my Dr's opinion. Even though i was feeling like committing suicide was the right thing to do, the thought of being hospitalized scared me a little. Have you ever been hospitalized?", "It's not weird that you want to go. I'd say that if you want to go, you should try to, especially if you feel like KMS or SH. Better safe than sorry.\n\nI'm also in the US. I've been hospitalized 12 times since about 1990. Some of my experiences have been good to excellent, some less so, but none have been a waste of time. I agree with a previous poster that if you check yourself in, stay as long as suggested - do not check out early even if you can. If you need respite, you need respite. Do not guilt yourself into leaving early (or not even going) because you have 'too much to do' or 'so many responsibilities.' If you had the strength to handle those responsibilities, you wouldn't be seeking respite. Listen to your heart, not the voice your boss implanted in your head. Without your health and sanity, what do you have left? I used to do that BS with both physical and psychological problems: I remember once going to work with a fever of 105°F (40.5°C) - I shouldn't even have stayed at home. I should have gone to the hospital, not to work -- and my boss guilted me when I got to work. If part of you calls for self-care in an emergency, listen to it. \n\nMy usual modus operandi is to go to an ER at the best hospital in the area. When in doubt, go to the nearest university hospital. In NYC, I recommend NYP or Mt Sinai. It depends on where you live, I guess. The advantage of going to a university hospital (or at least a large hospital) is that they will have the facilities to look for and treat any physical problems which may or may not be affecting your mental health. \n\nExpect to spend anywhere from a few hours to a few days waiting for an opening in an inpatient facility. Don't lose hope and leave. The entire inpatient experience is not what I would call fun, and often the food and company leaves something to be desired, but respite is respite. My meds routinely get evaluated and sometimes doses or meds are changed up or down. In my case, with severe treatment-resistant depression, I am sometimes given ECT. Do not turn it down if offered. It's not painful, it doesn't burn out your memory and and it's the gold standard treatment for depression. Some of the scare stories used to be true, but they definitely aren't true now (I had some last week, actually).\n\nMy stays have lasted anywhere from 10 to 22 days. It's not a vacation, but it is worth going. Unfortunately, considering the state of American healthcare, your insurance company will want you to be discharged before you're fully ready but after the initial crisis has passed. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing. \n\nBefore you get discharged, you will be set up with follow-up services of varying amounts of support. That can vary anywhere from day treatment to monthly medication management. Try to get the most support you feel comfortable getting, and keep your appointments etc. Nobody is going to force you to do anything when in the ward or after you leave, but it's important to remember why you went in the first place. You felt you needed help. Let yourself take as much help as is offered for as long as possible. Sometimes you may struggle against that help, but that's just your self-sabotage talking. Ignore it just like you should ignore the boss' voice. On some level, you wanted help, so try not to reject it when it's offered. On some level, you want to lessen your symptoms and dysfunctionality, even if it doesn't always feel that way. Keep your eyes on the ball. Listen to the voice that says \"you can get better. You can make a better life for yourself.\"\n\nOne more suggestion: be as honest with your treatment team as possible. It may be embarrassing sometimes, but the more they know, the better your treatment will be. Seriously - nobody benefits if you lie or ignore things. Remember: doctors and nurses have seen and heard it all. Everything. Stuff you seriously can't imagine. You're not going to shock them, and they won't look down on you or humiliate you. Even if your treatment team is sub-par, they will try to help you to the best of their abilities and resources. When you help them do their jobs you'll get better faster and better than you think you will. Let the experts be experts. Don't leave all the decisions to them, but they did spend a lot of time learning and practicing their profession, so they're worth listening to at least.\n\nThat's pretty much everything I can think of at this point, except perhaps to say that I have never regretted my inpatient stays in the long run, even for the one which was kind of frightening (11 days in Bellevue Hospital).\n\nIf you have any questions, please feel free to ask here or send me a message.\n\nTake care of yourself for a change. ♥️", "The idea of going inpatient has always terrified me. Being away from my loved ones in a strange environment for who knows how long… being involuntarily submitted would be even worse.", "This helps a lot actually, thank you. Right now I’m being driven to an inpatient facility but it’s not a hospital, just a residential kinda place with doctors and activities. They sound good and my psychiatrist recommended them so I’m feeling okay going there. Still super nervous being away from my husband though", "Is it weird that I genuinely began to enjoy being in inpatient after the first couple days? It was after my first suicide attempt (of many). the first day was stressful and very difficult anxiety wise due to me not knowing what would happen to me. But after 2-3 days I began to realize that everyone there genuinely wanted to help me and everyone listened to me. Even the nursing staff at 2 am when I would wake up with a panic attack. It was very difficult to go back home afterwards and for a while I even wanted to go back. Does anyone else share this feeling or am i just crazy?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.76767349243164, 16.403095245361328, 15.846695899963379, 15.47054386138916, 15.274629592895508 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of psychiatric inpatient hospitalization.", "pearson_r": 0.4111032083956732, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5683, "freq": 0.03755089044055769, "mean_pos": 5.238307952880859, "max_act": 17.273221969604492, "log_density": -1.4253797485900455, "top_texts": [ "I cannot thank this sub enough. It has kept me sane since March. You are all so wonderful. Thank you so much.", "A tip to get better Firstly I want to say this, I have enormous respect for the people that use this subreddit for relief and comfort. I do not mean to insult anyone on here with what is my opinion as that is not the intention, but an observation that I have made that I need to share in case it helps others.\n\nI have troubled with severe anxiety and mental health issues for as long as I remember. I used to subscribe to this page. Everyday I would come on here and read posts about others who felt the same as me on many issues, and that did provide comfort. However, it’s really not a good way to live your life. Having unsubscribed from this page I definitely found that the time spent despising myself and reflecting on the genuine pain I’ve had to go through in my life decreased. \n\nWhat am I proposing? To leave this subreddit, a week, one month, and tell me if you feel better or feel worse. I guarantee that at least some of you out there will experience the improvement in self worth and a decrease in amount of truly harmful thoughts and ideas. We are all sensitive human beings, help yourself by making sure the content of what you read about does not draw you back deep into your own personal problems. \n\nGood luck everyone ", "I made a sub for those looking for a buddy to check in on them every once in a while :) Join us in [My Buddy](https://www.reddit.com/r/MyBuddy/)", "The Reddit dating sub. Sub hasn’t had any action in like years. Definitely not setting an example. That subs life is worst than my actual nonexistent dating life and sex life.", "This is a chronic illness subreddit. That’s your answer right there" ], "top_scores": [ 17.273221969604492, 16.77498435974121, 16.728302001953125, 16.180601119995117, 16.055097579956055 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies meta-discussions regarding the subreddit community, its purpose, or its specific culture.", "pearson_r": 0.6067378538961014, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7159, "freq": 0.05071985807537471, "mean_pos": 3.863234758377075, "max_act": 13.242559432983398, "log_density": -1.294821961807557, "top_texts": [ "I don't know how to go back to school Hi \nSo i don't really know how to start this, guess i'll \"introduce\" myself first? \n\n\nSo yeah i'm around 20 years old, studying in college and i've had depression since i was about 12(i think? that's when i vaguely remember trying to kill myself for the first time (well not exactly but i do remember trying to choke myself, whether it be trying to *actually* die or not)). \nAnyway, so since then i tried a few more times, only one of them being actually 'close': naive me thought i'd die by gulping down a few pills heh.\n\nBut that's not what this all is really about.\n\nSo as i said earlier, i'm at college, and in a kinda particular situation. I did my first semester almost fully last year, but dropped out of my second, which means that this year I only started at the second semester. \n\nLast year when i dropped out i pretty much *explicitely* told my parents i needed help (long story short: sent a message saying \"hi, i can't do school anymore, need to go home or i'm gonna hang myself\"). But what happened is that i just stayed home for almost a full year, barely getting any psychiatric help, although i knew i needed it. \nAfter that year i went back to school kind of by default. And i do wanna continue though, because i don't feel like i'd be worth anything without a degree, and it's something i'm genuinely intrested in, so i wanna do it. \nThing is, since i only started second semester i don't know anyone, like, at all. the only person i would have known is someone living in my dorm, but he dropped out. That combined to my solid social anxiety, i know i was gonna have a hard time at getting to know anyone this semester. \nSo anyway, semester started, went to my first lesson, my second, my third, and that's where it got oopsie. Had a bad day, didn't go to my third, or my fourth, and that's how the thing snowballed. Although i kept following my courses at home, doing my homework, stuff like that.\n\nBut know i don't know how to go back to school. I feel like if i'm just gonna barge in some class i've never been to, after it's been going on for 3 weeks, i'm just gonna get 'judged' or something or at least feel out of place. (sidenote: there's an anime \"outbreak company\" where the MC talks about why people are hikikomori's (basically reclusives) and that's *exactly* how i feel rn).\n\nso yeah, i don't know how to go back to school. (thanks for reading ♥)", "How can i get back into art/performing arts? In high school i loved art. Anything that required me to hyperfocus... Loved it! Especially drawing and the viola. \n\nIt's been years since I actually sat down and sketched something out and since i've even attempted touching a viola. I want to get back to it but I don't know how to start. I think it would be easier with art because I wouldn't have to buy a 400 dollar instrument... But what can I start drawing that can get me back into the grove? :/\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAny suggestions would be appreciated. ", "When to know to go back on medication Hey guys,\n\nI suffer from depression/anxiety. \n\nFor about 8 years I took Lexapro with the latter years being a very very low dose (5 mg a week) and then came off for the past year completely. I don't know if I can attribute my improvements over those years to the medication but I'm sure it played a part, I feel in the later years is when I really made progress with perhaps not such a high dose. I exercised a lot etc.\n\nAnyway in the last 6 months I had quite a stressful period (defending PhD and searching for job). It really got me so I'm edge and I was highly anxious and stressed. To a degree where I went back to see therapist etc for help. I hit quite a low but now things are not as bad, however they are not as good as they were. Depression presenting a bit more frequently.\n\nMy therapist was switched over last few months, and after that the stress of job search etc really got to me and the new therapist saw me go downhill. He recommended that I consider medication at the time. However, in the past week or two I have been somewhat better and am not sure what to do regarding medication. I do not know if I want to go back on it or whether I need to. Some days are bad, some days not so much. Part of me wants to fight it but part of me wonders if I'm up against a wall.\n\nIs there any way to know whether going back on meds is good for yourself?\n\nThanks so much!", "Can I get some advice and support directed towards going back to school? I dread having to go back since I go back tomorrow and I know I’m gonna break down so anything positive helps.", "Going back to work in a week. Hey,\n\nI’m going back to work in a week. I’ve been doing a whole host of things to improve my mental health and move on from my depressed state. Working out, hanging out with colleagues, friends and family, babysitting a dog, watching funny shows, and keeping a positive outlook. I’ve even found a fwb situation with someone decent and kind. \n\nI’m still kind of low I’ve noticed. \n\nI’ve visited my workplace a few times and I have spent an hour or so there every time and I think I can function there like I used to when I was happy. \n\nHowever, I still fly into crying bouts and wish I could go back to when things were better. Or when I thought things were better. \n\nI’m hoping I can really be happy and be functional when I go back. I’m worried I might break down at work again which I cannot do. I have to get through being at this location for a few months or so until I can transfer from there to another location.\n\nAnyone go back to work after a few weeks off due to depression? How did you get back into it? What did you do to get ready? \n\n\n\n\n\n" ], "top_scores": [ 13.242559432983398, 12.86308479309082, 12.350605964660645, 12.181010246276855, 11.362029075622559 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the anxiety and apprehension associated with returning to professional, academic, or creative responsibilities after a period of mental health struggle.", "pearson_r": 0.2801238351906148, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 762, "freq": 0.035208224350080745, "mean_pos": 5.557912349700928, "max_act": 25.509057998657227, "log_density": -1.4533558647364269, "top_texts": [ "Crying help I don't know where to go for this problem but I thought my best bet would be starting here:\n\nI can't cry. \n\nMost people think I'm lying and trying to put on some kind of tough persona but I'm not. I haven't cried since middle school and I'm twenty-one now. \n\nIt's not like there haven't been things in my life to make me want to cry (most recently it has been losing my friends). I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety. But no tears. I lie awake at night sometimes just so sad and heartbroken but nothing comes. \n\nI miss crying. No matter the hurt that caused it, I always found comfort in how tired it would make me after and how cool my pillow felt after I cried into it. It was such a nice release and I just can't get it anymore. \n\nDoes anyone have any advice they can give me on how to cry again or point me in the right direction?\n\nThank you.", "I just… start crying, I don’t do emotional crying, the way is to just do the thing you said and not to blink for a moment and here you go -got yourself crying", "Why am I crying so much for literally no reason? Today me and two of my friends went to an amusement park, we had fun the first few hours or so, but then for no reason I just started crying. After I calmed down, we still had some fun, but somehow every time I saw one of my friends smile, I had to keep myself from bursting into tears. And this didn’t just happen only that day. In the last few weeks, I cried over the smallest inconveniences, watching videos of others having fun together, and even nothing. One of my friends says it‘s just a symptom of puberty, but I never saw others in my age go do what I‘m experiencing.", "I can't cry. it might be weird for someone to not be able to cry well idk if it is i have ever talked to anyone about it but i just can't cry or even come close to it like im sad and stuff but just can't cry i just wanna know why i feel like it would help someone plz help tell me why.", "Help with crying I've had depression for about a year, and one of my worst symptoms is constantly crying (even if nothing is wrong). I can't control it at all, and it has become a big issue for me since I haven't found any ways to stop. It is really embarrassing to cry in public, at a restaurant, or even on the bus, and I feel ashamed that I cry almost every day. Do you guys know of anything that can help me, or any tricks not to cry? Thank you" ], "top_scores": [ 25.509057998657227, 21.565946578979492, 21.474567413330078, 21.409488677978516, 21.192829132080078 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the inability to cry or the experience of uncontrollable, spontaneous crying.", "pearson_r": 0.7277022630718387, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2150, "freq": 0.04851365797075079, "mean_pos": 3.9149255752563477, "max_act": 12.821049690246582, "log_density": -1.3141359690168968, "top_texts": [ "But I also have other smaller illnesses that I feel like could be solved if the doctors weren’t just satisfied with throwing pills at it. And those are the types that I’m talking about.", "Dismissive Doctors (Trigger Warning?) **Note: I hope this post doesn't break any rules, and if it has, I apologise. I can amend the post as needed, or I guess you can just deleted it. Also worth noting: I live in the UK, so healthcare is \"free\" (socialised) here. I think that's probably important to mention.**\n\nI wish I didn't feel that doctors as fundamentally bad and untrustworthy because I really need help, for multiple issues, but I can't bring myself to try asking for help again because last time (and times before that) I wasn't listened to, or taken seriously. I *can't* put myself through that again, or even put myself in the position of it possibly happening again. It is so humiliating to ask for help and to not be taken seriously, and to actually be assertive, and still not be listened to, respected, and taken seriously. It's so fucking painful to be dismissed like that, and I cannot go through it again. I will not. \n\n*Rationally* I know that not at ALL doctors are arrogant or dismissive, but that's been my experience with them more than once now, and considering how sensitive I am, even once is too much for me to handle. So even though I rationally know this, I can't bring myself to try again. Are my emotions controlling me, or maybe I'm just being stubborn? I don't know. \n\nSo what'll happen? I guess I will suffer, alone, until the day I die – whether at my own hand, probably within the next 10 years, or alone, of old age, having lived a pathetic, unfulfilled life. If I get worse, and I probably will, and things eventually reach a crisis point with my mental health, I will **not** allow them to \"help\" me. Honestly, I hate the power imbalance: they can force you to get help, but you can't force them to help you. You can ask for help, but they can just dismiss you. They can ask, but if you say \"no\", they're able to force you to do as they wish, if *they* deem it necessary... but if *you say* that you have a problem? You're not to be taken seriously, of course. You're not a doctor. Your opinion doesn't matter.\n\nI suppose I'm just bitter. I've fantasised many times about hurting myself or allowing myself to get ill just to scare them. To 'get back' at them. To spite them. To be able to say \"no\" to *them*, when they try to \"help\" me, because why should I let them just because THEY want to and because it's convenient for *them*, but when *I* ask for help? I'm basically told to get fucked. When I ask for help and need help, I am not helped. I am not even taken seriously. I am made to feel like such a burden. **Important to note: I most likely won't hurt myself to 'get back' at them, but I do fantasise about it a lot. Though I suppose by avoiding doctors, I am allowing myself to get more ill.** \n\nPart me doesn't want to get worse, obviously, which is why I wish I could ask for help, but I can't. I can't because I hate doctors, because they're rude, and dismissive, and arrogant, and they don't care. I feel like they're deliberately dismissing me to tempt me to hurt myself? (As strange as it sounds.) It's almost like they're challenging me to prove that I \"really\" have a problem. I certainly feel like I have something to prove. I hate that they basically allow you to get worse before they're even willing to help you. In America, doctors only care about one thing: making money. In the UK? They only care about saving money. They don't care about patients (or even patient preferences, in my experience). \n\nSo, they want to save money? I'll save them money! **I'll never see a doctor ever again, for any reason, whatsoever.** That's pretty much what I've been doing for almost 2 years now. (One exception was to get vaccinations, but I didn't need to interact with any doctors to do that, and I think being vaccinated is important).It was my 20th birthday yesterday. I wonder how mich more of my life will be lost to mental health problems. Sorry if this is incoherent and too rant-y, and again, I hope it brakes no rules. ", "And totally relate on the empty life part. For the past five years it’s just been nothing but medical stuff", "I think about this ALL the time. I don’t want to get sick, because nobody takes that seriously. But a mild injury…bring it on. JK (mostly)", "Illness is cute until I actually need help, then it’s “well why don’t you” “you need to..” and other “you’re being inconvenient and need to not be” quotes. Smh" ], "top_scores": [ 12.821049690246582, 12.02470874786377, 10.370070457458496, 10.143556594848633, 10.071255683898926 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Frustration with medical invalidation and the perceived inadequacy of healthcare systems.", "pearson_r": 0.3806245463359552, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2702, "freq": 0.039711601883230606, "mean_pos": 4.780358791351318, "max_act": 18.845624923706055, "log_density": -1.4010825831125675, "top_texts": [ "I have absolutely no trust in other people at all whatsoever. I know trust issues are not apart of the diagnostic criteria for AvPD, but I do wonder how many people here are the same way?", "How does one trust people? When every single one of them would bully the sh\\*t out of you if you got a stroke and your IQ lowered like 40 points? Would any of them really behave?", "I want to absolutely trust my very close friends who understand this disorder. Maybe I will never be able to, and idk if that's because of this disorder or not. That thought scares me. Thank you for your insight! :)", "My trust issues are ruining my life (I am very sorry for such a long post) I am 16 right now. I was happy growing up. I had a loving family. Until everything fell apart. I was in 5th grade and I am just playing with my toys. I hear a loud scream. (My father was in an accident the previous week and we were at my grandparents' house so that there was someone to help take care of him and us. My mum couldn't do it all on our own). I walk out of the room and find my father trying to hit my grandpa. He lifted a chair. I was in shock. I couldn't digest the fact that my father would try to hit the person who raised him all these years. I go to stop him and my mother stops me. My aunt and my uncle come, all the neighbours comes and there is a lot of screaming. My dad was always abusive (physically and verbally) to my mum and when my grandpa asked why he lifted his hand to hit him. After that everything was a blur and I just remember hugging my sister (who was 7 at that time) and crying my eyes out. Then my father gets kicked out of the house. My mother is holding us and crying and she agrees to divorce my father and raise us with my grandparents, aunt and uncle. I was surprisingly fine with. My father was a drunkard and an abusive man. It was a good thing that he went away. I wasn't as sad because I knew my mother was there. I trusted her. \nBIG MISTAKE.\n\n The following week I fell really sick. My mum took care of me. She was really loving and caring. I adored the way that she was strong and I thought that she would take care of me. I believed that my mum, sis and I would finally be happy. Exactly 7 days after my father left (I was still very sick) she tells my aunt that she wants to leave us here and go back to my father. She wanted to work things between her and my father. She said that she would come back for us. But she didn't. It has been 6 years since she left. I don't even know if she is dead or alive. My aunt has been raising us ever since. I am eternally grateful and I love my aunt so damn much. But I can't help but think if my mum were here would she understand me better? I should be happy but I am not. I don't trust a single person around me. I have lost a lot of friends and I broke up with my boyfriend this summer because I couldn't trust him. I loved him and he loved me more than I can imagine, but I couldn't help but think that one day, he too will leave me.\n\nI am not able trust anyone. When my parents didn't think I was worthy enough for their love, who else can love me?", "I feel like I dont even have a gut to trust anymore. My insticts about those 2 people were so very wrong, that I dont trust myself anymore for anything..." ], "top_scores": [ 18.845624923706055, 17.913509368896484, 17.409208297729492, 17.397029876708984, 17.154502868652344 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with interpersonal trust and the erosion of self-trust in the context of mental health disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.17730408008491252, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1803, "freq": 0.05467737166511247, "mean_pos": 3.432055711746216, "max_act": 11.10336685180664, "log_density": -1.2621923621447722, "top_texts": [ "It didn't fix everything, but it allowed me to deal with the underlying issues without being harassed constantly by a voice telling me to murder people.", "It's not like it's a magical cure but I've been able to deal with it much better since that therapy.", "As a result I no longer need any medicine and therapy. \nI am happier, more focused and look far better than I ever thought I would.", "But I am also nearly 30 and learning DBT and mindfulness and starting to do edmr has changed my life quite significantly. I still get the bad periods, but I find they happen less and are less severe now, to the point of finally leaving therapy by the end of this year.", "I can manage it a lot better now, so in the end there is hope :)" ], "top_scores": [ 11.10336685180664, 10.901717185974121, 10.050921440124512, 10.007807731628418, 9.912610054016113 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the successful attainment of symptom management and positive functional recovery through therapeutic intervention.", "pearson_r": 0.4636993259067953, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2613, "freq": 0.0501285054700116, "mean_pos": 3.737300157546997, "max_act": 12.902900695800781, "log_density": -1.2999152345749594, "top_texts": [ "You can do it too. Just keep at it. Don't give up even if you feel like you failed. You will only fail if you give up!", "another failed attempt Last night (technically earlier, 1 AM), I tied a ribbon around my neck as tight as I could\n\nI woke up fifteen minutes ago to the realization that I failed.\n\nAgain.\n\nI don't want to say this to any of my friends because they're gonna get even more worried, and theyre basically at the line between helplessly scared for me and annoyed and done with my shit, and i dont wanna risk losing them anymore than i already am.\n\nI'm just. so annoyed at this point. I want to fucking *die* already, why the hell can't I have that?\n\n(Please dont point out that i did it wrong, i already figured that\nso fcking mad at myself gdi)\n\nsorry", "How do you motivate yourself to keep trying? I'm in university and I've been failing my modules in school. It's been a while since my last really bad night, but it seems to be coming back. I'm struggling to remind myself that I am not a failure in everything I do but it really gets difficult sometimes.\n\nI'd love to hear anybody's suggestions or methods on how you keep going, how you keep trying no matter how hard it looks. I think I'd really need some of that. Thank you.", "I fear this might be the same for me. I asked what I did wrong with my most recent failure and he said I didn’t do anything. They all say that. Clearly I’m doing something wrong here.", "Driving test Failed for the second time, feel like it’s a tipping point for me I feel so low. I’ve been struggling so long and this is just the extra push. Feel so worthless." ], "top_scores": [ 12.902900695800781, 12.764164924621582, 12.567389488220215, 12.16729736328125, 11.869574546813965 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal experience of personal failure and the struggle to maintain self-worth in the face of perceived inadequacy.", "pearson_r": 0.06550644083637883, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9691, "freq": 0.03932494825664703, "mean_pos": 4.718505859375, "max_act": 17.85010528564453, "log_density": -1.405331829100668, "top_texts": [ "However, I've vaguely brought it up before and she said that she wants to also invest one day. My gut feeling is that she's comfortable if we both pay rent and lose money, but might feel weird if one person is benefitting and the other person is not. Unfortunately, I'm 99% sure on my stance that I will either live at home or move out when I can invest in my own place, and I'm not sure how to tell her. --- **tl;dr**: Friend wants to rent an apartment together, but I'm getting cold feet.", "Is this normal? Just finished moving and feeling really sad Moved up the street literally from one apartment to another. Didn’t want to leave my previous apartment and now I’m sad. I think I’m also sad because didn’t have a great move in.\n\nThe apartment was dirty (balls of hair all around the corner of my room and dirty patio) and I’m paying a steep price for it. It’s in a posh area and a nice new apartment. \n\nThere was another thing that happened at the new place that left a bad taste in my mouth. One of the leasing agents was rude to my mother. \n\nI didn’t want to start my new journey like this. \nI’m also really sad to see my old place go. \n\nAm I jinxed?", "So I'm moving out by August 23rd. I found a potential roommate who seems super nice and I'm meeting up with her soon at a boba shop to talk and get to know eachother!\nI'm so nervous to move out I'm ngl. I've never been on my own before. I just turned 20 so it's all new but I know I have to get out soon. My family makes me miserable. I also have to tell them I'm moving out. I have yet to do that at all yet. I don't know what my mom's going to think of it. I've thought it all through a million times though and I know I'm making the right decision and I know what I'm doing. Just I need advice on maybe how to move out, tell them properly, also budgeting...lmk your thoughts!\nhttps://reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/1kjngd6/tips_for_moving_out_and_telling_abusive_family/", "At some point in the past year, we discussed living together. She seemed to be okay with it and never had any objections. Since both our rental agreements will soon expire (hers in May and mine in July), I started looking for a new place online. However, I noticed that she never really responded enthusiastically about anything I showed her or just plain ignored it. Last weekend, I confronted her and she admitted that she no longer wants to move in together, saying it is too soon for her and that she had been thinking about it for a long time.", "I have been dating my girlfriend for around 1.5 years now. We moved in together 3 months ago. I paid for the renovation costs, new furniture, and countless other items to get us started, totalling somewhere near $4000. She gave me about $200 to help with these costs during the initial move-in. Our rent is only $240 a month (no lease), so it's more than feasible for her to pay it, but she isn't great at managing money." ], "top_scores": [ 17.85010528564453, 16.339046478271484, 15.155617713928223, 14.819452285766602, 14.799428939819336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the emotional and logistical stress associated with residential transitions and cohabitation dynamics.", "pearson_r": 0.669063389144035, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2033, "freq": 0.0344804057588646, "mean_pos": 5.364038944244385, "max_act": 20.13327407836914, "log_density": -1.462427619526896, "top_texts": [ "I’ve always had great experiences on shrooms and LCD. I’ve had worse experiences with thc edibles than I do with psychedelics lol", "Psychedelics = I've never had any moments while tripping that felt enlightening tbh. Tripping is very fun, watching the world melt around me is fun, and while I do feel pretty good and have a lot of fun on them I've never \"spoken to God\" or DMT elves or whatever. Acid makes me feel fried afterwards, I haven't done any acid in years and idk if I'd do it again. Shrooms are fun and they don't make me feel fried the day after so I'd do them again. Peyote/mescaline is the only psychedelic I did that felt enlightening, I plan on doing it again in the next few months. It's more euphoric than acid or shrooms.", "Psychedelics for depression? I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been in life right now and I’m thinking about buying LSD or Shrooms in an attempt to “cure” myself, so I’m wondering if anyone has tried it for depression and what the results were, did it help or make it worse and what was the trip like?", "I've tried salvia and I'm really interested in 'shrooms, acid and DMT. ", "Interesting! I didn’t know that about MDMA. Thank you for sharing. I’ll steer clear of that one then and stick to shrooms." ], "top_scores": [ 20.13327407836914, 19.338964462280273, 18.360929489135742, 17.220144271850586, 17.133880615234375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion and personal use of psychedelic substances.", "pearson_r": 0.5711864440869734, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2472, "freq": 0.050992790047080766, "mean_pos": 3.603574514389038, "max_act": 12.481430053710938, "log_density": -1.2924912166425935, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone have experience with EMDR? My therapist is going to start doing emdr with me next week and I was wondering what any of your experiences have been like? Did it help at all? Thanks! ", "For those who’ve done psychedelics: What effect did they have on you? Did you enjoy it? What were your thoughts like? Anything really", "Anyone have experience with Citalopram? Hey! Curious if anyone on here has tried Citalopram and if they had any luck with it?", "experiences with ECT or TMS Has anyone here tried ECT or TMS, and if so how did it affect your depression? My psychiatrist is recommending I try one of them but I'm a little concerned that they won't work or will have negative side effects.", "Does anyone have any experience with citalopram? Its my first time starting up antidepressants and I just want to know what to expect with this one." ], "top_scores": [ 12.481430053710938, 12.157120704650879, 11.75562858581543, 11.280896186828613, 11.260420799255371 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies inquiries regarding personal experiences with specific psychiatric treatments or therapeutic interventions.", "pearson_r": 0.5288472754268226, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2335, "freq": 0.03564036663861533, "mean_pos": 5.134160995483398, "max_act": 19.264781951904297, "log_density": -1.4480578247642737, "top_texts": [ "Anyone else dive into movies/tv when theyre feeling low? I'm a big movie buff, and I ever since I was a teenager, escaping into movieland was my go-to way of dealing (or in fact, *avoiding*) with life, depressed or not.\n\nWhen I grew up and realized the extent of my anxiety and depression, I looked at some movies/TV a bit differently. \n\nMy main favorite shows are cartoons, and my all time favorite is Futurama. When I put in any of the seasons, I feel like I'm home. Not totally metaphorically either - the actual settings (like the Planet Express building interiors) make me feel more comfortable.\n\nDoes that make sense to anyone? Does anyone else have a movie or show they feel this way about?", "How do you get yourself to start watching a TV show or movie with ADHD? In my personal experience, I have a hard time getting myself to actually start watching something new, even if I genuinely want to watch it. I am a film major, and I'm *really* trying now more than ever to get myself into watching new shows and movies to broaden my horizons. \n\nOnce I manage to get myself to start watching something, I can usually watch it all the way through, it's just making the conscious decision to watch something different that intimidates me. I usually end up scrolling through YouTube instead of picking something to watch. \n\nHas anybody else struggled with this? If so, how have you gotten past it?", "Recommendations for distracting movies/tv shows? Hi friends,\n\nLooking for recommendations for captivating tv shows or movies to watch during depressive episodes. Things that “hook me in” or captivate me. \n\nWhen I’m depressed most TV puts bores me and I lose track of movies. Looking for things to watch during those bad days that i can somehow follow or track without just feeling dead inside", "It's so frustrating not being able to finish watching a whole movie / show I've always had problems paying 100% attention into watching a movie or watching a series. \n\nSometimes, midway of what I'm watching, I'd start standing up, start doing something else, completely forget what I was watching, and it's absolutely ridiculous! \n\nMy friends are all capable of binge watching a whole season of a show in a couple of days, and I have to settle with finishing it for months at a time because I either stop so many times, or I completely forget about it and then out of boredom I'll remember it after like three months and I'll go like \"Okay, maybe it's time to watch this again.\"\n\nWhen it comes to movies, I have a hard time finishing ones that are around two hours or beyond that. My limit is one hour and thirty minutes and my attention span is OFF beyond that. I usually have to get back to movies to finish them because I have a remaining thirty minutes or an hour of it that I purposely will not watch because my mind will not absorb it.\n\nAnybody else like this? I'd love to hear it!", "good shows to watch? i don’t know what to watch haha\n\nif y’all could give me suggestions that would be sick\n\nmy go to is us the office but i’m in england so it’s not on netflix :(\n\nsitcoms are too upbeat for me to watch but i also don’t know want to watch anything so depressing bc i’m already wanting to die lol\n\nthanks dudes" ], "top_scores": [ 19.264781951904297, 18.430965423583984, 17.7408390045166, 16.245649337768555, 15.982991218566895 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the use of movies and television as a coping mechanism or distraction strategy for managing mental health challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.562543950463012, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7598, "freq": 0.024836809425250756, "mean_pos": 7.353395462036133, "max_act": 17.78483772277832, "log_density": -1.6049041775636912, "top_texts": [ "How’s Adderall work for y’all? My neurologist prescribed me Adderall for my ADD, and I was curious how it works for you all?", "Will working out after I take my adderall cause anything negative? I've very recently been diagnosed with ADD, and prescribed adderall to treat it. I've had no negative symptoms from it so far (besides constipation, but I've been told thats normal lol). Before my diagnosis I was working out pretty regularly, but I haven't been recently because I didn't know if that would be a good idea to do after just taking my medication in the morning? Adderall doesn't increase my heart rate or anything, but should I talk to my doctor before I start doing cardio again?", "Adderall - Feeling low and depressed once Adderall wears off, don't know what to do Hello,\n\nI recently started Adderall for ADHD, my psychiatrist hasn't reached a final diagnosis but we are trying Adderall for now to see if it works. He says it's either ADHD or depression.\n\nI'm taking 5mg twice a day, the Adderall helps me focus more and makes it to where I can actually function during the day. \n\nBut at the end of the day I get really really depressed and a little paranoid, I feel more depressed than I had in the past and I know the crash is coming each day. I know I should tell my psychiatrist but my next appointment isn't for over a month and I don't want to call my psychiatrist since it's only been a week, but it's been rough.\n\n I wanted to know if this is normal what I'm experiencing if it's worth telling my psychiatrist. I want to stop feeling like this, but I don't want him to take me off of the Adderall because it's made me feel so much better during the day and I'm worried if I bring it up to him he will.\n\nTLDR; Once Adderall wears off I feel depressed and low, don't know if this is normal or bad, don't know what to expect from the psychiatrist if I bring it up or if it's worth it", "I want to stop taking Adderall, so I have to worry about withdrawals? I think Adderall isn't really helping me in life right now, I started taking it for school, a couple months ago, left school because it wasn't for me, kept taking it and now I've been on it for 4 months almost... I've been having some problems and saw my doctor the other day, he said I should stop taking it. \n\nDo I have to worry about withdrawls? I have to work for the next couple of days, I want to stop asap, but might it be a better idea to wait for the weekend?", "Which problems should Adderall solve? Which problems need lifestyle changes to address? I have been on Adderall for the first time for a month. I’m taking a low dose. I react very strongly to caffeine and apparently similarly to Adderall. I’m wired on this small dose. But besides that, I’m having a hard time figuring out whether it’s helping me. \n\nI’m about to see my doc again. And I don’t know what to tell him when he asks if it’s working for me. \n\nWhat should Adderall be doing for me? What other changes do I need to make to see progress in my life?" ], "top_scores": [ 17.78483772277832, 17.083465576171875, 17.01201057434082, 16.848651885986328, 16.551403045654297 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the personal experience and clinical management of Adderall usage for ADHD.", "pearson_r": 0.8029499972998397, "pred_f1": 0.8421052631578947 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3143, "freq": 0.04592080423954329, "mean_pos": 3.9756600856781006, "max_act": 13.125566482543945, "log_density": -1.337990505017224, "top_texts": [ "To me the best pairing I've personally had was with someone that appeared to have *mild* positive symptoms of schizophrenia.", "Det bedste du kan gøre at at sørge for din egen redningsbåd", "Then my NPD brain kicks in and I'm like \"Well objectively, there is a best person out there for me, and that would be considered my soulmate. Even if finding them is unrealistic there still is a best person. And why should I settle for anything less?\"", "I lost the best thing I had today My best friend texted me this morning, saying she wants to break contact with me. She said I was being too clingy and she was afraid I was getting too possessive. Maybe she's right. I don't know. I'm just left feeling really empty and helpless right now, she was the only reason I got up in the morning...", "OA is the best show ever! If you haven't seen it you should watch. Ive never been more into a TV show." ], "top_scores": [ 13.125566482543945, 11.378361701965332, 11.178311347961426, 10.895689010620117, 10.664690971374512 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective evaluation or ranking of people, experiences, or entities using superlative language.", "pearson_r": 0.6787863089679407, "pred_f1": 0.8421052631578947 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 392, "freq": 0.022903541292332887, "mean_pos": 7.905582427978516, "max_act": 21.32680892944336, "log_density": -1.6400973439028201, "top_texts": [ "Either you don't have avpd or you've done a fantastic job at deluding yourself into thinking you're OK with it. Avpd isn't just about not socializing with friends. Im literally about to be homeless because I can't hold a job for longer than a month due to avpd. Its something that affects every part of your life.", "I gotta tell you, despite the implications of your condescending tone. You're the abnormal one here. It's not a given for people with avpd to be incapable of any relationships. It's only that it's difficult to get close to people in the first place due to the fear. What you describe sounds much more like another disorder or someone deep in denial. An inherent trait of avpd is the desire for relationships despite the anxieties surrounding them. Which means yes when you lose one it will hurt", "If you want to speak to people with avpd, then try joining avpd discord or kik group. Those are great places to speak about anything that bothers you about avpd.", "It is usual to have avpd in a bundle with some other problems, but I haven't met anyone with avpd and anorexia yet though.", "Avoidant attachment and avpd are not the same thing. I wouldn't listen to the opinions of people in those comments if they don't know even this much." ], "top_scores": [ 21.32680892944336, 20.17364501953125, 20.030860900878906, 20.026668548583984, 19.908620834350586 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD).", "pearson_r": 0.2519876571942084, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3037, "freq": 0.04678508881661246, "mean_pos": 3.85526442527771, "max_act": 16.335899353027344, "log_density": -1.3298925324408517, "top_texts": [ "How to explain depression How do you explain depression to someone who just doesn’t get it or understand it at all? ", "How do you explain depression to someone who cannot understand? I've struggled with depression for over 10 years and I feel pretty good for the most part right now. But sometimes I just suddenly get sad. I can be having a really good day and then something small happens and I lose my energy. My bf cannot understand this for the life of him. He understands sadness when it's something that makes sense to be sad about. But when I'm just sad, he just can't seem to get it. He deals with sadness by ignoring it and playing video games. Therefore, I think he's a little \"stunted\" emotionally. How can I get him to understand how I feel?", "But it does take two to communicate. I realized at some point that if I wanted people to understand what was going on with me, I had to explain it to them. And to do that I first had to understand it myself.", "Yes. I don’t even try to explain them to people anymore because they never seem to understand", "Thinking back now I think my T does understand my behaviour the most part. When he explains to me what I’m feeling after I describe it to him and tells me about the causes for those feelings it really does feel like he understands me." ], "top_scores": [ 16.335899353027344, 14.630706787109375, 13.33832836151123, 13.11995792388916, 12.783783912658691 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The difficulty or process of articulating and validating one's internal mental health experiences to others.", "pearson_r": 0.5052030537546389, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6348, "freq": 0.04987831782928105, "mean_pos": 3.5860283374786377, "max_act": 16.001598358154297, "log_density": -1.3020881930337276, "top_texts": [ "I'd *really* like to say it depends, as after several therapy sessions I made a promise to myself I'll become a nicer and better person towards others. And I have, however the habits throughout my childhood and adult life have long morphed my subconsciousness into always expecting a bigger reward after an act of niceness.\n\nSometimes it feels like a job where you put an extra effort for a salary raise, other times you do nice things to others just because, without any clear goal, however will always expect that person to know that this is a rare act, making them obliged to return the favour, or at the very least, owe me big time. But that's just my greedy ass still putting the value of money and materialistic things over human connection. Still attempting to fix that.", "I mean, if i am being nice to someone, i am expecting the same treatment back. Even though i don't care what people think about me, i don't want to be associated with people who hate me for no reason", "I used to be a treat others as you want to be treated type person. But I very quickly realised, all that leads is to me being used to death and walked all over. I now only treat others as they treat me, because I have learned the very very hard way most people are not as nice or giving or caring as I am and won't do half as much for me as I would for them. So I now only put as much effort and care in as I have already received.", "Do people really just hate kindness? I really hope that this doesn't come off as self-righteous or snobbish, but man, I don't understand why so many people seem to hate kind-hearted people. The more kind I am to people (especially friends), the more they make me the butt of their jokes and overall shit on me. I buy gifts for people during holidays and birthdays and no one ever buys anything for me. I listen to other talk about their life anf struggles but everyone's distracted or too busy when I need to vent. I get into agreements/deals with people (I have a failed business) and most people don't hold up their end of the bargain, leaving me looking like an idiot. It isn't until I'm pissed and become an asshole that people start to take me seriously, but that's not my real personality so I can't uphold it for long.\n\nIs there something wrong with me? Should I be more of an asshole? Because what seems to be the only thing that works in life for me. I get shit on constantly otherwise.", "Anyone else feel like they project the kind of help they want on other people? For example I catch myself trying to be “there for people” a lot because I feel like I would want someone to be there for me. But ironically I think as a result people assume I don’t need that sort of help because I do willingly offer it. \nHow have you experienced this phenomenon?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.001598358154297, 14.784197807312012, 14.036070823669434, 13.567646026611328, 12.589369773864746 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the internal conflict and disillusionment regarding the reciprocity of kindness and interpersonal expectations.", "pearson_r": 0.3409324521089687, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2996, "freq": 0.04169035867809948, "mean_pos": 4.287381172180176, "max_act": 14.182405471801758, "log_density": -1.379964358038969, "top_texts": [ "I've heard it's less activating and more calming than Zoloft, as it's the most serotonin selective. I've also heard Trazodone may be an option, for someone who wants SSRI-like-effects without any activation. Additionally, my Psych doctor mentioned Gabapentin as a way to directly target anxiety without any of the long-term concerns of daily benzo use. (though I've read it's not without its own drawbacks.) Obviously, this wouldn't have any serotonergic effect, but could be a good alternative to the Xanax.", "Benzodiazepin is a sedative, not antipsychotic as far as I remember.", "Wellbutrin for ADHD? Hey there everyone, \nI was just curious if anyone has any experience using Wellbutrin for the symptoms of ADHD. I have Bipolar Disorder so stimulants that are usually used to treat ADHD like Adderall and Ritalin are dangerous for me to take. As a result, my psychiatrist is prescribing Wellbutrin instead. I read a lot of positive reviews online (and some negative) but was wondering if anyone on here had any feedback! Thanks.", "Olanzapine does it for me but it almost definitely causes some weight gain. You could try Lybalvi. From what I’ve understood it’s olanzapine and another substance that helps lessen the chance and effect of weight gain. Seroquel and Risperidone were awful for me too.", "Rexulti, Vraylar, and to some extents Abilify are known to help some with negative symptoms. They're the dopamine partial agonist/antagonists" ], "top_scores": [ 14.182405471801758, 13.862242698669434, 13.328973770141602, 13.237342834472656, 12.925111770629883 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the pharmacological management of mental health conditions through specific psychiatric medications.", "pearson_r": 0.9742740539909239, "pred_f1": 1.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8854, "freq": 0.041121750403711875, "mean_pos": 4.340319633483887, "max_act": 17.79425811767578, "log_density": -1.3859283967177989, "top_texts": [ "How do you all find the energy to text people back? I literally have messages from a month ago that I haven’t responded to. I have no motivation and the thought of actually responding just seems so overwhelming. I just keep letting texts build up. I feel awful but I just can’t seem to do it even though it’s such a simple task.", "It is not worth getting yourself worked up because they haven't texted you yet, it isn't worth the mental anquish we feel and put ourselves through because we expect this from them. Teach yourself to text later in the day or start conversations later in the day, and that way the good mornings aren't expected but are something nice when you get them. Don't let this be the downfall of your relationship if the rest of it is good.", "Nope. I think about texting people all the time. Dudes I dated where I fucked up (drinking too much, not cheating) and I just think it makes me look more desperate, and even besides that…I think it’s not about proving anything to them, I am trying to contact them in hopes of proving to myself that I am “good enough” or “worthy enough”. But we have to be those things for ourselves. Write the message if you want and don’t send it. You’ll get some relief without the regret. Just my two cents of course!", "I would text her again on Friday morning, that would be reasonable. But just work on your anxiety and challenge the cognitive distortion that she is deliberately not replying. She may actually be really sick, like in the ER or sleeping a lot.", "How to text? Not really asking how to form an interesting conversation via text. I'm somewhat decent at keeping a good conversation flowing even if the person is dry, but... \nI can't seem to text nowadays. I used to be able to respond once daily, sometimes once a week, and at worst once a month (lol I have good friends). Now there's nothing. I'm trying to eat healthier, get good sleep, and exercise, but I'm not improving in that regard. Has anyone here figured out a good trick or positive habits I can apply?" ], "top_scores": [ 17.79425811767578, 16.618087768554688, 16.104896545410156, 16.05124282836914, 16.033382415771484 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the psychological struggle, anxiety, and avoidance associated with initiating or maintaining digital communication.", "pearson_r": 0.34070017693416527, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8284, "freq": 0.059772101803625445, "mean_pos": 2.963545322418213, "max_act": 7.089437007904053, "log_density": -1.2235014652647476, "top_texts": [ "Finding reasons to be sad and down I've met a wonderful girl, she's absolutely incredible and I've never known anyone treat me with such kindness and patience when I get down and lose myself in my own head. But it's almost like it's too good, and I keep finding reasons to pick at things, things that shouldn't upset me, or hurt me but for some reason I convince myself they should, it's self destructive but I can't stop, I know I'm overreacting, and it feels like the longer things go great, the worse my reaction is, and I'm pushing away my chance at happiness because my brain has decided I don't deserve it, and keeps finding ways for me to pluck out a reason to feel hurt. Has anyone else experienced this? THe finding things to be upset about because actually in hindsight things are going really well?", "I tend to just make my friends mad on purpose and start arguments. I don't know why I do it. I just hope it'll get them to get tired of me and leave me alone honestly. I start arguments all the time with a few of my friends on purpose. Anyone else do this?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/1mi6xc5/ruining_friendships_on_purpose/", "alone time whenever I have a drastic mood swing, I just prefer to be alone to simply not mess up other peoples day and wait for that mood swing to go away. I found it helps me, because once I regain clear thinking, there's no words that shouldn't have been said, and no actions that shouldn't have been done, but some people around me don't understand it... how should I tell them that I'm doing it for my own good?", "i get extremely delusional and start thinking everyone’s against me making me seem “crazy” (i do feel crazy when it happens) but i can’t control it and it makes ppl freak out and leave me😓", "I feel like I'm pushing everyone away and not being grateful for the time they give me. it's just so frustrating to think that my family and closest friends are always there for me, yet im close to never there for them. i feel like i cant do things right around people. i snap at them and get all angry for no apparent reason? i feel like i just don't like talking to them these few months. i feel so hopeless and lost since so many things are literally falling apart. my relationship with my parents aren't really on the best of terms at the moment, i feel like im being too defensive yet they always accuse me of things i obviously didn't do, and now they're saying they aren't? im so lost. i feel like i'm seriously loosing all my loved ones and being so disrespectful to them i don't know what to do." ], "top_scores": [ 7.089437007904053, 6.497555255889893, 6.453014373779297, 6.35417366027832, 6.3139190673828125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the cycle of self-sabotaging interpersonal behavior driven by the fear of abandonment or the belief that one is a burden to others.", "pearson_r": 0.4739760677385579, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1458, "freq": 0.04528396297222917, "mean_pos": 3.8938493728637695, "max_act": 13.787376403808594, "log_density": -1.3440555638004505, "top_texts": [ "Feeling like a Failure Using a throwaway:\nI was a college athlete who competed countless times on a national level, graduated with honors with two degrees in undergrad and a minor in a foreign language, and became a member of one of the greatest military organizations on the planet. My goal was to never be a special forces, high-speed low-drag operator. Just a man who wanted to lead warriors, whether that be on the battlefield or in everyday life. Now, since going through training, I sustained a debilitating injury that causes pain to even walk. I struggle through my days and, because of this injury, the job I wanted since I was young has slipped away because I can't perform physically any more. Having been athletic my whole life, I feel like part of my identity has been stripped from me. \n\nDoctors have told me this isn't something that can be fixed without surgery, if that surgery even works. Now, I'll be doing a different job but I'm not sure if I'll be granted the time off to pursue a surgical option, all while being forced into physically demanding training with a chronic injury. I feel cornered and there's no hope for a resolution. There's no desire to work, exercise, or even to do mundane things like play video games. Nothing seems to bring joy with it. Every activity or event I participate in just feels like a failure, especially things like running that I used to be good at. That sunken feeling of being inadequate never seems to go away. I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I just want to convey my thoughts.", "My successes doesn't feel rewarding. I'm sorry in advance if I sound like a snob or an insensitive person for mentioning achievements and successes considering not everyone fared well in their personal pursuits.\n\nA few years back, I was lucky enough to be accepted by a boarding school where every parent wished their child could study. There, I got all A's in my country's equivalent of SAT exams and got a scholarship as a result. During this scholarship, I did another exam and passed it well enough to be able to extend my scholarship and soon study overseas.\n\nYou would think after all of this I would be happy and proud. I thought so too.\n \nAfter getting the results, I felt empty. I got what everyone my age was aiming for and a life-changing opportunity but why do I feel like I still lost? Where is that gratification and sense of victory that everyone was hyping up about? Why am feeling sad and not happy instead? \n\nCurrently, I'm at home and I only leave if my family drags me out for an outing. All my friends live far so I can't meet up with them. I can only wait for the flight and a new set of academic hurdles but this time alone in a foreign country with even higher expectations.", "I feel no sense of accomplishment. Here is the thing, through my life I have done many things that people would consider amazing to achieve. But yet no matter what I do, no matter how many people think its great. I simply feel no sense of pride or accomplishment from any of my achievements. It's like I'm completely numb to it.\n\nDoes anyone have that problem where they know they have accomplished many things, but you can't really feel anything? Or you always think you could have done better?", "I wish I could feel happy for other people and their accomplishments. All I do is compare myself to them and feel failure. It's not even jealousy it's just that I'm a complete failure. Everyone around me is excelling and moving up in the world and I'm just... there.", "Feel like a failure for not becoming the person I should have been. I was raised by a well off family, I hate the luxury holidays the 10 bedroom Manor House in the country, the successful corporate dad. The mother who was always there for me. I went to a school a Ivy League school I had the world at my feet. \n\nThen my dad died......my world ended there pretty much all the money was gone I was pulled out of school and failed my GCSEs. I struggled for years with depression and anxiety whilst my friends trained in medicine, law and corporate finance. They are all super successful now and well there’s me..... the washed up carer, teaching assistant, counsellor. I don’t really know how it all went so wrong I have tried to better myself recently but don’t think I will ever have it as good as any of my old school friends. I am 30 years old and stuck in zero hour work which is ruining my life. \n\nI cry at night ashamed at who I am and how I let my life go so crappy. Sometimes I am even suicidal sometimes I just don’t care anymore. I try to rationalise that the pursuit of happiness isn’t a bank balance or societal success but still I can’t help feeling like a colossal failure. My life now in contrast to the life I could have had are two different worlds. I know people will say well you allowed it to happen you made choices and yes I did but I was severely damaged mentally from my dads death, whereby I wasn’t in a good place to make any decisions and before I knew it I am 30 years old thinking what the hell happened." ], "top_scores": [ 13.787376403808594, 13.102510452270508, 12.362065315246582, 12.313958168029785, 11.674795150756836 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of anhedonia or emotional detachment regarding personal achievements and external success.", "pearson_r": 0.6169157103214128, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4077, "freq": 0.03937043691859804, "mean_pos": 4.472953796386719, "max_act": 16.03861427307129, "log_density": -1.4048297545119568, "top_texts": [ "If i've been detained by the police and taken to hospital, will it show up on my criminal record? I want to study to work with little kids. But i'm scared all the times the police have handcuffed me will show up on my screening. I've been taken to hospital by police 12 times in one year so if this shows up, i'll have no chance at the job I want :(", "Don’t worry there are 3 police cases “in process.” But it is very sad how hard you have to fight to get REAL advocacy from the police for domestic violence, even with all the evidence in the world and they just drag their feet. I mean the violent incident with the gun happened almost a year ago! Where is the JUSTICE in this system of ours?! I hope to find some soon, starting with Wednesday. But I’m JUST SO SCARED to have to see him again!", "Ask a local representative for help? What are some steps I can take that I haven't yet? I'm scared, and so .... almost annoyed of dealing with this, he was served a protective order way back in October 2017. Also...how has he repeatedly had so much success with the police? It honestly baffles me, which is why I wonder whether he's paying them off (he told me he'd done this while we were together, although that could've been a fear tactic).", "It shouldn’t even come up depending on the crime. I was diagnosed after court and it did keep me from getting off probation early, but that’s about it.", "Extra: Apparently he was jailed before marrying my mom and he never told us until she found out later into the marriage. There's more into the story but I would like to know if I can file a charge on him for past incidents as well.... and I am upset that he is going to be charged for misdeamenor instead of felony. Since the victim (my mom) has enough evidences, it will be hard for him to drop the charges right? He has been avoiding the police so it took a while for the police to catch him but he paid for the bail and bailed himself out with a help of his friend. I just wished he would recieve a felony but he pleaded not guilty on the first court appearance and apparently there are more court appearances to be made befoe verdict is finalized...." ], "top_scores": [ 16.03861427307129, 15.911857604980469, 15.607430458068848, 15.322796821594238, 14.952102661132812 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies concerns regarding legal systems, police involvement, and criminal justice processes.", "pearson_r": 0.3855347779061461, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 72, "freq": 0.037846566743239246, "mean_pos": 4.647412300109863, "max_act": 19.75033950805664, "log_density": -1.4219734999884894, "top_texts": [ "Dissociation is one of my worst issues. Straight up, I have yet to find anything that helps for very long. Sorry.\n\nBut I have found some small things that help when this starts feeling bad or stifling:\n\n* daily meditation\n* prioritizing my sleep routine so I get better quality sleep, and more of it\n* setting reminders on my phone (for example, to prompt myself to eat)\n* self-administered pressure point massage (I started these techniques because of migraines, but they really help me relax when I'm distressed, too)\n\nhope this helps, or you can find something else that works for you. This shit sucks.", "Dissociation For those that have a problem with dissociation ,does it feel like your whole body is numb at times? .its gotten better but when i am having a bad time it is full force dissociation its tough to get through .do you have any tricks besides the usual grounding technique?", "is this dissociation? Hello. I'm not diagnosed or anything and don't ask any diagnosis here ; I just want to make my mind a little clearer through sharing what I experience for a long time now. \n\nSince my very childhood, I experience what I call \"anxiety attack\" or \"panic attack\" ; but now that I am reflecting a lot more about my mental health, I feel like it may be dissociation. \n\nIt usually occurs at night time or in front of mirrors - it's like I became conscious of life and couldn't say if everything I live is real or is all in my head. It makes my heart goes faster and I can't control my mind (and sometimes nor my body) and it's really hard to calm down. \n\nI have this attacks since my 4 year old or something and it's becoming more and more difficult to live with. \n\nI would like to have your point of view about it. \n\nI will soon go and consult another therapist to understand and maybe get solutions to end up with everything of it. My other ones just said it was anxiety and existential questioning \"most of people experience during teenage hood\". \n\nThank you for reading and forgive me for the bad English, I'm not a native speaker \\^\\^", "Honestly the only thing that will work beyond quick but temporary fixes (the coping skills you mentioned) is overall less stress and anxiety/depression. Dissociation is your head trying to keep you safe because you cannot cope otherwise at the moment.\n\nAre you in therapy? Do you take any meds? Those are the 2 things that are going to make the biggest difference. Other than that your best bet is to limit stress. Frequent self care, mindfullness meditations (preventative, not just when you feel bad) and regular sleep. Exercise can help you ground down more by releasing anxiety and connecting with your body again. I like running an yoga best for dissociation. \n\nTry to not indulge student life too much. In my personal experiences, all the things that you traditionally associate with student life: partying all night and then going to class the next morning, drinking and/or drugs, pulling all nighter before deadlines or exams, living off of cup noodles and pizza, all these things will make your mental health worse and contribute to your dissociation episodes.\n\nI'm sorry. It sucks having bpd and trying to be a normal student like everyone else. I really struggle with it too.", "Dissociation I’m new to reddit, I signed up to be involved in the BPD community. I’m looking for advice on dissociation particularly right now. I don’t know if I’m posting this correctly? \nRight now my dissociation is brought on by stress and I don’t have any control over it. I “deal” with it by engaging in anything that takes me away from being sober, because it lessens how scary the whole ordeal is. \nBut I’m finding myself in a bar at 2pm right now drinking until I feel normal and safe enough to go back to the real world. \nI’m just so afraid when this starts to happen I just find the nearest bar or engage in whatever substance I can to feel present again or just feel safe. Y’all I’m so lonely, I feel like I can never open up about this to anyone who cares about me so I’m in a position where I’m isolating myself. I just don’t know how to let people know I’m not okay without saying “I feel like I’m going to engage in c*tting myself or use substances to feel present in my body again” without letting them know the intensity of what I’m going through? But I also want them to know how it is for me, and to receive that support from them, but they’ll never know, and ugh. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m literally going to die and then not feeling like ANYTHING then having it wrap up like nothing happened. In those periods I want my close ones to know I need help but I don’t know how they can help me. Help lol " ], "top_scores": [ 19.75033950805664, 18.867788314819336, 18.78364372253418, 18.238861083984375, 17.90379524230957 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the experience, management, and inquiry into symptoms of dissociation.", "pearson_r": 0.23419894542604755, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4378, "freq": 0.037255214137876136, "mean_pos": 4.702802658081055, "max_act": 14.869626998901367, "log_density": -1.4288129243366499, "top_texts": [ "Please know you have support which ever you choose. And to choose for you.", "Social support is a strong predictor of both mental and physical health, so the results of this study are not too surprising to me.", "Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. We're happy to be your friends, and again, are here to support you no matter what's going on. We love you!!!", "Then afterwards, getting some rest and connecting with others has helped me, reach out to your loved ones and let them know you need support ❤️", "I hate those \"emotional/social support systems\" I don't know why school taught me those concepts. I never succeed in developing one and never benefitd from them. Those aren't useful for some dysfuctional loser like me." ], "top_scores": [ 14.869626998901367, 14.392352104187012, 13.523290634155273, 13.181547164916992, 13.180932998657227 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of social support and interpersonal connection as a resource for mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.8984516498719949, "pred_f1": 0.9090909090909091 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5531, "freq": 0.03227420565424068, "mean_pos": 5.417317867279053, "max_act": 19.505475997924805, "log_density": -1.4911444245044605, "top_texts": [ "Religion As a Crutch For Motivation Hey everyone, \n\nSo I tried looking around and couldn't really find anyone else talking about this, but about a week ago I was thinking about whatever it may have been, but it led to me being curious about checking out a service one Sunday at one of the local Christian churches in my area. \nI hear all these stories from my grandparents and uncle (very Christian) about how God has helped them in their lives, and my whole life I've always found it kinda dumb or whatever, and now all the sudden when I'm 18 I started thinking about how I'm at a point right now where my girlfriend just moved about a 45 minute drive away (I don't have my license yet unfortunately, gotta love ADHD), but I love how much motivation she gives me to improve myself. \nJust realized I've been rambling on, but anyways what I'm trying to say is have any of you looked to religion as a source of motivation? Like the idea of building a relationship with God, and believing that he's watching over you because that thought kinda gives me this feeling like if there's something I need to do, and he's watching over me, I should just do whatever it is that I need to get done because he's watching over me and guiding me or whatever. Not really sure what I'm talking about because like I said, all my life I've thought going to church and believing in a God was kinda dumb, and I always hated having to go to church when my family and I were visiting my grandparents, but I'm kinda just lost as to where I wanna go with my life. \nSorry for the rambling but I'm just not really sure what I'm talking about, but if anyone understands and has some feedback it'd be greatly appreciated.\n\nTl;dr does anyone here follow a religion to find motivation to do things they don't want to, because your God is always watching over you and guiding you?", "Anyone MORE religious when they're on medication? I found a great deal of healing by following Episcopalian Christianity and \"finding Jesus,\" specifically a Jesus that wasn't trying to send me to Hell but rather help and heal me in ways that I cannot fathom.\n\nBut I noticed a cycle. Near the end of the month, when my injection wears off, I become very angry at God and disbelieving. My psychosis is tied directly to the belief of hell, and there is a negative correlation between my belief in hell and my belief in God. So when I'm psychotic, I think I'm going to Hell (or possibly am already in Hell) despite not being religious and not believing in God.\n\nWhich makes me wonder--did the antipsychotic CAUSE the belief in God or did the illness cause the disbelief? It's a chicken and egg situation, in a way. Which came first, my recovery, or the belief in Jesus? Did my belief cause my recovery or did my recovery cause my belief?\n\nAnyone have any similar situation?\n\nThank you for reading.", "Cause it’s fun. I don’t believe in the Christian god or stick strictly to any one established religion. Though I really enjoy Hindu interpretations of gods. For me I believe in at least some sort of beings in other dimensions or other realms, I believe there are entities we can’t always see or see at all, and to me that is the “god” I’m communicating with. I don’t think it’s necessarily controlling everything that happens here but more like it’s a bigger part of me, an extension of this realm, and the elements of nature and universe as a whole that I am seeking connection with. I don’t see my “god” or “gods” as really having anything to do with morals and I don’t think it’s gods job to prevent humans from doing bad things or to prevent us from going through hardships. To me, it’s a way of coping that I don’t think is harmful until people start trying to control other people with religion. I’ve felt things and experienced things that just don’t feel random and it’s more fun to think that it was “god” rather than not. I went through my “more rational than thou” atheist phase and it just feels better to me to consider something bigger than myself. I wasn’t even raised religious.", "I think a lot of religious figures were schizotypal, or at least the people who wrote down what was going on were because they were so quick to believe and interpret it all. I think that some of the ones who had things \"revealed\" to them like John in Revelations were either seriously fucked up dreams or straight up psychotic.\n\nI used to be very religious and was 100% sold on the idea that there was a sentience to the universe, but as things got worse and worse for me I started to realize that the only way I could find some kind of piece was if I started to convince myself of the opposite. Things aren't predetermined and maybe I *do* have some sort of control over my own destiny. \n\nI also had to do something about God talking to me in my head when my STPD transitioned into something worse. Either it was real or it wasn't. I eventually had to believe that it wasn't otherwise I would have gotten myself into even more serious problems.", "honestly it was super traumatizing for me. i was raised with my grandparents and my grandma would make me so paranoid by telling me im going to hell (for everything, even going to the MOVIES with friends) i would r sleep for days just thinking about what if fod will come while im sleeping. i was molested and groomed by ppl in church and tbh was never rlly into christianity. i found it boring, too many things i couldnt so that i wanted to do and i also prayed my whole life and nothing has changed. u have no idea the nights where i would beg god for a better life. and nope. nada. idk, i respect everyones beliefs but yea. i still do sometimes pray in my head but ik it wont work lol. my grandpa was also non religious so i guess i just stuck to his side more then my grandmas. but im glad u found a religion that u feel comfortable in:)" ], "top_scores": [ 19.505475997924805, 19.29203224182129, 18.998525619506836, 18.05027198791504, 17.752567291259766 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of religious belief, spiritual experience, and their impact on mental health or psychological well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.5514658894543069, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10025, "freq": 0.037027770828121094, "mean_pos": 4.684038162231445, "max_act": 15.785408973693848, "log_density": -1.4314724211362622, "top_texts": [ "why should i care about anyone when no one cares about me? why?", "It’s my birthday and no one cares No one noticed, no one cares.. the only person was my mother but she’s too financially stressed to do anything with me. I’m too poor to do anything for myself. I hate feeling so alone and uncared for.", "I've always wondered what true caring feels like. I mean I could easily tell a person I care about them, to gain their trust and present myself in a good light, to make them feel better or rather.. myself feel better by acknowledging I've said something good, though this doesn't work on my parents, as they know me probably better than I know myself. They always say something along the lines of \"stop lying that you care, all you care about is yourself and money\", and I don't want it to be like that. Truth is, I don't know what I'm supposed to feel in such situations? Whenever I say I care, it's a purely automatic response every person with little cognitive skills could say.\n\nCould you please describe a situation in which you've felt that intense care? I'm sure I've also experienced it at some point, but cannot recall unless there's a similar situation I could link it to.", "Im That Person No One Cares About One of the most disappointing things as a high school student is realizing that you spend your day around so many people at school, but no one actually cares about you or gives a shit about whether you are there or not. I'm so alone and a thought about me just never crosses other people's minds.", "I know no body cares It’s the sad truth.. no body on this earth truly cares about the real deep stuff any more, only money and social statuses make people the “best” so no one truly cares .." ], "top_scores": [ 15.785408973693848, 15.25490665435791, 14.831193923950195, 14.788108825683594, 14.423665046691895 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of perceived social isolation and the belief that one is fundamentally uncared for by others.", "pearson_r": -0.2381600523711345, "pred_f1": 0.35294117647058826 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1946, "freq": 0.02422271248891214, "mean_pos": 7.151581764221191, "max_act": 21.29302978515625, "log_density": -1.615777207714348, "top_texts": [ "Does Vyvanse increases anyone's libido like me? I take Vyvanse and my libido is through the roof and can distract me from other things. ", "Vyvanse and caffeine?. Just curious as started taking vyvanse and dex. In the evening for late class and ir for three to five hours and is my odd Red Bull or coffee going to be a issue?. Emmab", "I figured out how to lessen my vyvanse comedown Making sure I’m well-fed and hydrated has helped IMMENSELY. As long as I eat at least 2 higher-protein meals (for me, brunch around 11am and dinner around 6pm) and snack throughout the day, I don’t crash to the point where I either don’t want to do anything or interact with anyone! \n\nI had read online that high-protein meals around the time u take your vyvanse makes it work better and not so intensely. (I hope it’s not against the rules to say that!)\n\nIt’s nice not having to suddenly disappear from my friends after 8pm because I don’t want to and for fear of snapping at them/being generally unpleasant. :)", "How can I manage the anxiety I get with Vyvanse? I've been taking Vyvanse for almost 2 months now, at 40mg. \n\nI have to say it's a miracle how much more concentrated I feel and how much more sure I am of myself. My college grades reflect this and I feel I'm a much more successful person.\n\nHowever, the downside is the anxiety that I get. I take my Vyvanse at around 8, it kicks in by 9/10. For the next few hours, I feel great until about 2 in the afternoon. I still feel focused, but I get this feeling of dread/anxiety in my chest. It's like a low, constantly present feeling that doesn't want to go away and it is very distracting. It crawls out of nowhere at first and has no reason to be present, but then I start attaching things to the feeling which aggravates it. I start feeling like a failure because my grades aren't as perfect as I want them, or that I'm not as good of a son, friend, or boyfriend to the people around me. I start feeling like my grades are ready to implode at any moment and that I'm not really as successful as my grades reflect. \n\nMy conscious, logical part of my brain knows this is all a side effect of the medication, but it's very hard to ignore considering all this baggage I attach to it which almost \"legitimizes\" it. How can I handle this and mitigate it? ", "Vyvanse and weight loss? I was prescribed vyvanse 30mg only two days ago and I started taking it yesterday (really enjoying the energy boost so far). I was taking prescription adderall for a about two years before and I lost a lot of weight as a side effect. \n\nBut there was about a year in between when I was taking adderall and when I started taking vyvanse (now) because of my rampant alcoholism. So during that year, I was drinking just about every day and eating unhealthy, and I gained over 60 lbs. A little over two months ago I finally decided to kick that shit and live sober, besides taking my antidepressants. Well, my doctor was very pleased at this, and decided we could give vyvanse a shot.\n\nSo my question is, does vyvanse help with weight loss in the same way that adderall does? I have been better at controlling my urges to binge eat today and yesterday, but I’m not sure if that’s just the enhanced willpower or reduced appetite or what. And I think I remember something about adderall boosting your metabolism which helps with weight loss? Does vyvanse do that too?\n\nThank you" ], "top_scores": [ 21.29302978515625, 20.55548858642578, 19.978012084960938, 19.68781089782715, 19.39862060546875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the pharmacological management and side-effect profile of Vyvanse.", "pearson_r": 0.47525815977140473, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6362, "freq": 0.03261537061887325, "mean_pos": 5.295259952545166, "max_act": 19.213285446166992, "log_density": -1.4865776687709105, "top_texts": [ "Yes, but that doesn’t mean that experiencing mania automatically means you have bipolar. You can have one disorder and exhibit symptoms of another disorder but that doesn’t mean you have that other disorder. You just experience some symptoms of it. Schizoaffective is a psychotic disorder that experiences a symptom found in bipolar, but that doesn’t make it a bipolar disorder. It’s still a psychotic disorder, still schizoaffective, that just happens to experience mania like in bipolar. Hence it’s a bipolar TYPE. Not schizoaffective bipolar, schizoaffective bipolar TYPE.", "Help? Advice needed. So\nI have had issues since a young age but ill summarise. \n\nSexually abused as a child, by someone of the same age and gender as me but obviously more to it like i reckon she was getting abused etc etc else how would she have known certain things to do etc.\nFrom about 10 onwards been under Camhs who diagnosed me with panic attacks and anxiety.\nI.rarely attended school, had to sit at the back of the class else i was TERRRRIBLY anxious, shaky and fidgety etc and just walked out crying. \nEveryone put it down to anxiety and panic attacks.\nThen\nLast January my doctor finally felt i should see a psychiatrist- who diagnosed me with Bipolar and Panic attacks/anxiety.\nI get months where im on a high, rarely panic attacks, not anxious, just living life,sexually active, shopping etc...then months of sadness anxiety cant even do things like walk down the road..i look a mess, just have 0 energy and go into a bit of a slump. \nIm on carbamazepine and sertraline.\n\nI have so many worries and doubts like is it bipolar? Is it something more? Because im fine recently like my moods been good just randomly hormonal etc though, not even due on a period but just up and down a bit. Then today i go into a shop, come over all faint..dizzy...sweaty...light headed cant even speak properly and just need to get out asap. \nMy eyes get all wide and just vacant and i feel like a zombie.\nIs this normal with bipolar? Like why are my physical effects so bad!? Doctors just put it down to stress but i just wondered if anyone else has experienced the same thing as i am going out of my mind here.", "Right. Which this isn’t. Psychotic disorder plus bipolar like symptoms (mania but psychosis outside of it too) isn’t a bipolar (mood) disorder. It’s a psychotic disorder, schizoaffective specifically.", "It’s not bipolar. It’s a schizophrenic disorder with bipolar like symptoms… a quick google search will tell you that. Yikes. Not just wrong but rude too.", "Wrong… schizoaffective bipolar is a disorder… definitely not gonna take your word then." ], "top_scores": [ 19.213285446166992, 17.69038963317871, 16.926692962646484, 16.856477737426758, 16.8360595703125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the clinical differentiation and diagnostic classification of psychotic and mood disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.1889868658692173, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2221, "freq": 0.047899561034412175, "mean_pos": 3.591717004776001, "max_act": 12.193097114562988, "log_density": -1.3196684575020885, "top_texts": [ "Tired of fighting I’m tired. \n\nI’m tired of resisting the urge to stay in my bed every morning. I’m tired of trying to make myself look semi presentable. I’m tired of going to work and spending hours on tedious, meaningless work. I’m tired sitting in class but not absorbing anything the lecturer is saying. Im tired not having any motivation. I’m tired of trying to find a sense of purpose. I’m tired of caring. \n\nThere’s plenty more things out there that I’m tired of and tired about; but today I’m tired of fighting.", "I'm tired.. I'm tired of feeling lonely.\n\nI'm tired of feeling sad.\n\nI'm tired of trying.\n\nI'm tired of people saying it's gonna be okay.\n\nI'm tired of just **everything**. \n\nI just want to be someone that can be accepted, and not have to worry about every single little thing with a million thoughts going through my head.", "I'm tired Tired of hurting my loved ones. Tired of dealing with being upset with others and myself... being emotionally drained...I feel like a burden to others and I feel like an excuse of human being. \n\nI am tired. Just make the pain go away. ", "I'm Just Tired I'm just tired. Tired of being alive. Tired of being a disappointment to my family. Tired of being a failure academically. Tired of lying to my friends and family when they ask if i'm okay. Tired of being tired. I just want to rot away now. Just die and no one will grieve over me ya know? I'm just tired of it all. Honestly. ", "Do you ever just get tired of existing? I would never do anything about it, but sometimes I’m just so exhausted. I’m so tired of having responsibilities and having to make food, or eat, or go to the bathroom. I just want to sleep because at least it’s a break, but I know that’s not possible because I have an almost 6 month old that needs me. I’m ashamed I feel this way. I love her so much and I want to do better for her. I just can’t shake this feeling." ], "top_scores": [ 12.193097114562988, 12.137857437133789, 10.710912704467773, 10.375214576721191, 10.245454788208008 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a state of profound existential exhaustion and pervasive fatigue with the effort of daily living.", "pearson_r": 0.6802321131613596, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9171, "freq": 0.03282006959765278, "mean_pos": 5.055708885192871, "max_act": 17.507230758666992, "log_density": -1.4838604890922473, "top_texts": [ "What statistics say about depression To keep it brief , average statistics say that number of suicides of males is double than that of females in almost every country. \n\nIf you rack up numbers no. of males struggling with depression and loneliness is much higher than women .\n\nEven with women who have depression are those who either were In a relationship or multiple relationships. \n\nMeanwhile there are guys who never been in relationships. \n\nSo isn't it true that females hijack attention from guys, when in reality it's the guys who are struggling ?\n\nOn top of that there is drama of feminism to further mentally abuse men .", "Same here, *precisely* that. I can mask or play off most of my symptoms better than I think most men with the disorder seem to be able to, for instance, and have better contextual social skills for reasons I believe boil down to my gender, and that leads to awkward and complex situations sometimes. The clinical picture/profile of StPD seems to be based more in a default-male perspective--perhaps because of that male-as-default-human bias in all areas of medicine in general. It's supposedly more common in men but I wonder if that's the case because women with it go underdiagnosed. I certainly slipped through the cracks for a long time.", "Damn that makes so much sense. I was weirded out by my diagnosis since I don’t really fit the feminine stereotype for BPD, but now that I know that males present differently with it I can see the symptoms in myself.", "Do therapists of a certain gender intimidate you? I'm a guy, all my life other men have intimidated me. Especially successful men. Feel judged more harshly.\n\nMy therapist is a guy though ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯", "I'm a trans guy (born female) and there's more sexism behind women being \"different\" in behaviours than actual science. Oh you have anti social behaviour that would lead to an aspd diagnosis if you were a man but you happen to be born with a vagina?\nMust be BPD.\n\nThat has happened to a lot of simply because of our sex. We aren't different from male ASPD, we are just not born with dick and balls." ], "top_scores": [ 17.507230758666992, 17.495990753173828, 16.753286361694336, 16.705585479736328, 16.6901798248291 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the intersection of gender identity and social expectations in the manifestation and diagnosis of mental health conditions.", "pearson_r": 0.20493732162931763, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6806, "freq": 0.039256715263720515, "mean_pos": 4.183868885040283, "max_act": 15.391925811767578, "log_density": -1.4060860309762044, "top_texts": [ "If they are receptive to changing then no amount of support or degradation will make them change. They have to make the first move. No one can change anyone, but being unkind will not help the vast majority of people", "Yes! Change is possible, but it’s difficult and it takes effort and commitment. I’ve been in therapy for 7 months and I have most definitely experienced change. I was able to experience a brief moment of affective empathy for a friend of mine. I was also able to experience feelings of love for my partner. These feelings go away fast, but every time I experience them they stay for a little longer before my mind shuts it all out again. It takes a great deal of vulnerability to let yourself experience these new, unfamiliar, overwhelming feelings, and vulnerability can be really difficult. Through treatment involving working through trauma, understanding the mechanisms by which your mind protected itself, gaining self awareness, and becoming aware of others, you should be able to feel these emotions as well. I wish you the best of luck.", "Change is needed Well,recently I've had some things happen [not good ones] but in the grand scheme of things they definitely have made me see change is needed I'm ready for something to change I'm starting therapy soon which is needed I'm starting to learn it's ok to say no and not feel bad I need to do things that make me happy I'm tired of hurting myself because its making others happy I'm struggling yes but definitely not defeated I have my ups n downs who knows tonight I'll be a mess again but I'm taking steps to make sure my happiness is no longer on hold.", "I like the way you're thinking! A little challenge can help you distinguish a good psychiatrist from an oblivious one, but a better one possesses the ability to change the game and challenge you back. It's never fun if you are the only one playing the game, after all.\n\nAnd I believe in change as well. My hopes are to change for the better and eventually adapt this \"nice person\" mask into my own.", "I consider two things: what is the social reward for changing to the \"normal\" behaviour in public, and how difficult is it to implement convincingly? If it's easy to implement and helps socially, I find it worth the effort. \n\nPerhaps it might be easier for you to make one or two changes at a time in order to gauge your own feelings as well as the reactions of others." ], "top_scores": [ 15.391925811767578, 12.049245834350586, 12.0325288772583, 11.742396354675293, 11.591933250427246 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal agency and active process of personal behavioral or psychological change.", "pearson_r": 0.16566875672927409, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2347, "freq": 0.03664111720153752, "mean_pos": 4.476675987243652, "max_act": 18.66703987121582, "log_density": -1.4360312811464582, "top_texts": [ "Peronally, I've been told I'm funny and have a dry sense of humor. When it comes to others jokes, I have more trouble thinking people are laughing at me or there are hidden meanings in their jokes than being uninterested all together.", "I know I laugh wholeheartedly at some of Michael McIntyre's shows and when I saw Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss. I think I like clever and dark humor the most. I fake-laugh a lot socially, out of \"pity\" or maybe sympathy? Maybe everyone does this. \nRecently though, I've realized I fake-laugh when I'm watching some show - completely alone in my living room - and something \"funny\" happens/they say some joke. Sympathy laughs? I have to laugh or else I'll hurt them? Or maybe it's just an internalized habit by now. Very weird anyway. Otherwise - I don't laugh that much.", "You know why you are not funny? Coz to being funny one basically ridicule themselves, which is probably one of your biggest fear. Yes comedian can make clever thoughtful jokes but in normal conversatiopn with regular people the one telling the jokes generally says something ridiculous or so silly or crass that enact a paradoxical response from the audience. He's not silly, he's pretending to be silly, he puts himself at the mercy of the others without feeling shame or ridicule. So you're not funny coz you are inherently incapable of making jokes but because you are afraid other will see you as inferior.", "I agree with you there. Laughing is a joy in life that almost everyone enjoys (I say almost because I'm sure some don't like it). Teasing someone for something so harmless and that they sincerity love, and making them feel self-conscious about it is so screwed up", "I mean I do have a dark sense of humour but it's only a coping mechanism for me. We're living in a shitty world and I like to laugh at it bitterly." ], "top_scores": [ 18.66703987121582, 18.556081771850586, 18.075361251831055, 17.802433013916016, 17.7987003326416 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the social and psychological dimensions of humor, including its use as a coping mechanism, social performance, and interpersonal anxiety.", "pearson_r": 0.5086053837821545, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 255, "freq": 0.04880933427343235, "mean_pos": 3.3401055335998535, "max_act": 10.094368934631348, "log_density": -1.3114971068906225, "top_texts": [ "The most likely outcome of the two of them meeting would be a cry-session and trauma dumping on each other, with a shared realization that sometimes life is a bitch.", "They would probably be homeless and or die. That’s what they would do.", "You can expect them to return to what they were before starting the meds.", "Shame the high always ends after a few hours at most. There’s been times I walk out the door of a party and I crash", "I think Ken's going to deeply, deeply spiral. And his depression or mania will ultimately determine if he takes the top job or not. I'm SO interested about the seemingly physical fight he gets into with Rava on the streets of NYC. It seems that unfortunately instead of taking the opportunity for the siblings to restart a healthy bond, he'll become a coke-dependent, bipolar Logan-wannabe in pursuit of his delusional belief that he alone deserves the top job." ], "top_scores": [ 10.094368934631348, 9.841304779052734, 9.830845832824707, 9.237671852111816, 8.367134094238281 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the anticipation or observation of catastrophic personal decline and inevitable negative outcomes.", "pearson_r": 0.12795178311255828, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5871, "freq": 0.048331703322946756, "mean_pos": 3.3639705181121826, "max_act": 9.459554672241211, "log_density": -1.3157678900462935, "top_texts": [ "Don’t worry not everyone is like that, eventually you’ll find some kindhearted people", "This is such a sad outlook on life, I am sorry for whatever happened to make you feel this way, and I hope you one day find yourself surrounded by kind and genuinely happy people. They are out there. ❤️", "We need more kindhearted people in the world... You know, there are a lot of really good people in this world. There are millionaires giving away money to less fortunate people, there are heroes who’s main job is to save the lives of others, and there are people who just like to make the world a happier place.\nHowever, there also seems to be an even greater number of people who simply don’t care. One thing that seems to depress me the most is the fact that there are SO many people that have zero regard for the people around them. It pains me to see so many people get hurt or end up in terrible places due to the sole fact that someone was so caught up in their own little world that it ruined someone else’s day.\nBasically, I just wish more people knew how to be considerate of others around them. If someone is already very close to the end, one little thing could be the deciding factor, and the other person may never know what they had done and the outcome of said action.\nI’m infinitely grateful for those of you who are understanding and caring. You guys are what makes this world slightly more survivable. If you haven’t yet today, make someone smile, even if it’s just yourself. This world is a harsh place, the least we can do is be kind to ourselves and each other.", "It’s amazing how one good person in your life, someone to ground you and show you how to handle things can really change someone. Considering how bad my upbringing was from just the shit I saw and observed having someone who actually cared about me is probably what saved me from developing into a full blown psychopath. As much as I struggled early in my adult life I thankfully got myself together enough to function enough to live a peaceful existence", "It makes sense to see danger around every corner. But I wish I could find a place where it isn't so dark. I read a story the other day about someone who couldn't work anymore and just needed to be at home. . ." ], "top_scores": [ 9.459554672241211, 9.096122741699219, 8.981268882751465, 8.906144142150879, 8.658781051635742 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of seeking or identifying external sources of kindness, hope, and positive human connection.", "pearson_r": 0.575943456377007, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8744, "freq": 0.04658038983783292, "mean_pos": 3.4787437915802, "max_act": 13.238007545471191, "log_density": -1.3317968717909894, "top_texts": [ "Also, I’ve tried 20 different medications. 10 antidepressants, and 10 antipsychotics/mood stabilizers. I’ve tried ketamine infusion and 2 rounds of TMS. I’m only 20", "Yes. Completely. I’ve been put on anxiety meds, antidepressants, antipsychotics, & meds that help those meds. They tried for several years & nothing helped", "Oh right. Eeeh... No. However, I've only tried Adderall with Effexor. ", "My lithium and lamotrigine are the only meds that have ever worked for me my whole life (I’ve tried +30 meds) and the dose recently got raised due to severe depression.", "I'm on lithium for my episodes and mood swings and I've been on just about every antidepressant I can possibly be on. I got treatment resistant depressive episodes so nothing seems to help." ], "top_scores": [ 13.238007545471191, 11.011857986450195, 10.614314079284668, 10.56379222869873, 10.452139854431152 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of treatment-resistant mental health conditions and the exhaustive trial of multiple psychiatric medications.", "pearson_r": 0.1531904575388368, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3747, "freq": 0.04371460413491937, "mean_pos": 3.691164970397949, "max_act": 13.442449569702148, "log_density": -1.3593734401510347, "top_texts": [ "Maybe hold your pee in the morning and arrive as soon as they open? Most of all just relax and breathe?", "If I go to an interview for example, I'll know that I'm a good candidate, I'll know that if I don't get it there will always be other opportunities and it's no big deal. Yet I still get nervous because it's something that I want, I want that employer to like me. If I go to an interview with no expectations at all, not even wanting the job (I've done this a few times for practice interviewing), it'll turn out great. What are your thoughts on this? Edit: FYI I'm talking mostly about social anxiety, though it has happened that I get anxiety in the most random places like just going upstairs in a building.", "This SUCKS, we're booking plane tickets next Wednesday and half of me is ecstatic but the anxious half of me is dreading it. I need to figure out how to calm all this anticipatory anxiety so I can just let myself enjoy my relationship, the excitement leading up to our trip, and even the trip itself (although I feel like once I'm there I'll be fine)! This is the same anxiety that has stopped me before, and I am NOT letting it stop me again. To anybody who's experienced this before, what tips or strategies can you give me to help overcome it? TL;DR- Very anxious about upcoming trip because I'm afraid of being trapped/away from the comfort of my home, to the point where it's affecting other parts of my life, how do I get over the anticipatory anxiety so I can enjoy myself?", "Make a plan before every appointment where can calm yourself down & relax as much as possible after. Anything you find safe, comforting, & grounding", "I'm about to walk into an interview for a job I really really want! I have some experience in the field and I genuinely care about this kind of work, so I'm really really hoping I'll get it. Even if I don't, though, I'm telling myself that landing the interview is a success in itself. Wish me luck, friends!" ], "top_scores": [ 13.442449569702148, 11.373028755187988, 11.371394157409668, 11.294754981994629, 11.053614616394043 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents anticipatory anxiety and coping strategies related to upcoming stressful events.", "pearson_r": 0.5482835435184107, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6591, "freq": 0.043578138149066345, "mean_pos": 3.6897833347320557, "max_act": 17.954381942749023, "log_density": -1.3607313187099248, "top_texts": [ "I will say I get your point that it's not necessarily different from a mood disorder + schizophrenia-like psychosis. But there are some things I'd like to pick apart that you said.\n\nThe difference between schizoaffective disorder and psychotic depression is that psychosis in psychotic depression is only present during mood episodes and is usually mood-congruent. It needs to be schizophrenic psychosis which has very different characteristics from depressive psychosis. Basically, there's a world of difference between schizoaffective disorder and psychotic depression.\n\nIt is also different from schizo spectrum + bipolar disorder/MDD because it needs to be schizophrenia-level psychosis (not just schizo spectrum) with mood symptoms present half or more of the time. Schizotypal (personality) disorder + a mood disorder, or BPD + a mood disorder (or a combination of STPD and BPD) would *not* be schizoaffective.\n\nThe duration of psychosis is what's different between schizophrenia and schizoaffective. Schizophrenia needs 6 months, while schizoaffective needs 2 weeks *outside* of a mood episode. This creates the common misconception that schizoaffective disorder is less severe than schizophrenia - lots of people with schizoaffective disorder, myself included, more than meet the 6 month requirement. I had a psychotic break constant for 2 and a half years with mood symptoms throughout about three quarters of the time, but the psychosis was rarely mood-congruent.\n\nLastly, anxiety disorders have nothing to do with schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia. They are not mood disorders. Someone with schizophrenia plus GAD would be diagnosed with both. Someone with schizoaffective and GAD would be diagnosed with both. Someone with bipolar+psychotic features or depression+psychotic features plus GAD would *not* be diagnosed as schizoaffective.", "The first paragraph isn't accurate. The timeline of psychosis for schizoaffective disorder is only 2 weeks outside of a mood episode which creates the misconception that it's more mild, and honestly there are a small number of people who have only had 2 weeks of psychosis. But the schizophrenia symptoms of schizoaffective disorder can be and often are just as severe and prevalent as they are in stock schizophrenia. Besides the two-week lower time limit, the only difference between schizoaffective and schizophrenia+mood disorder is that schizoaffective requires mood symptoms to be present 50% of the time or more during the course of the illness to be considered schizoaffective, otherwise it's schizophrenia + mood disorder.\n\nThe symptom criteria of the psychosis itself is exactly the same.", "And while schizoaffective is a mix of mood and psychotic disorder, it is listed under the psychotic disorders category, indirectly making it a psychotic disorder, not a mood disorder. Aka not bipolar.", "It's not another way to say schizoaffective. It literally is \"not otherwise specified\". Schizoaffective requires the criteria for schizophrenia to be present along with severe mood symptoms at least 50% of the time. Schizo (psychotic) + affective (mood).\n\nPsychosis is a symptom, not a spectrum with bipolar on one side and schizophrenia on the other. It can come from either of those two disorders but also from other mood disorders, some personality disorders, substance use, PTSD, and sometimes just at random. Bipolar, schizophrenic, and schizoaffective psychosis can all be on a range of mild to severe.\n\nThe duration of psychosis isn't relevant to the diagnoses of schizophrenia after six months. Schizophrenia involves at least two distinct symptoms that need to rise to the level of clinical impairment. Other than that intensity and duration don't mean it's schizophrenia.", "As long as the psychosis happens outside of mood episodes and this has happened for two weeks at least once then it's schizoaffective disorder." ], "top_scores": [ 17.954381942749023, 17.731380462646484, 17.334413528442383, 17.278316497802734, 17.14533233642578 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical diagnostic criteria and differential diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.14227759830611802, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9662, "freq": 0.028134737416698887, "mean_pos": 5.661757946014404, "max_act": 17.92251968383789, "log_density": -1.5507571183529723, "top_texts": [ "2. I don't understand how others feel about me. As a schizoid, it's not just that I don't understand myself but because of that I can't understand others feelings towards me.", "I like schizoid as its etymology fits perfectly: **skhizein** (greek) meaning split, **eidos** meaning form - or better yet **id** meaning the most basic part of your personality according to Freud (according to google, do not ask me about any of this lol. My psychologist who diagnosed me explained schizoid as \"split ego\" or \"split self\", which I think fits very well).", "I first noticed my schizoid-ness around age 12, I suppose when my capacity for self reflection kicked in. Not that I knew it was Schizoid at the time. But it was all certainly already there. I had a controlling, emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother, which is where I think it originated. I detached in childhood to stay psychologically safe. I am 47 now. I got married and had kids, but only because I thought that would make me more \"normal\". I hoped it would somehow let me feel and connect. It didn't. So after separation, I went to therapy. Deep, psychodynamic therapy. I thought that would fix it. Well, it didn't. If anything, it exacerbated it and highlighted how immense my deficits are. And before you ask, I'm a psychiatrist specialising in complex trauma. I know the theories, and I know myself pretty well. I used to think Schizoid PD was treatable. I'm not so sure now. I'm as isolated, detached, misunderstood and reliant on my fantasy world as I ever was. I have no desire for another relationship ever, am largely asexual, and I have a number of acquaintances (not friends) that wear me out but I keep in touch with in case I have an emergency e.g. car accident and need help at the hospital. I'd like to just keep working until I die, or suicide if I become too unwell to work. That's it.", "An overly simplified answer: Schizotypals have a wish for social relationships, but often have trouble taking part in them, while schizoids have no such wishes to begin with.", "Just a heads up that schizoid is an actual thing. Schizoid personality disorder. I do agree with the rest though" ], "top_scores": [ 17.92251968383789, 17.79296112060547, 17.77311134338379, 17.733118057250977, 17.638010025024414 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the identification with and discussion of Schizoid Personality Disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.4945353550468402, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3180, "freq": 0.031682853048877566, "mean_pos": 5.012993812561035, "max_act": 19.551639556884766, "log_density": -1.4991757032868107, "top_texts": [ "My experience with writing Writing is hell. I struggle to think of words to write. It takes me hours to write because I obsess over every sentence. A normal person could type out a page of words in less than an hour whereas it often takes me up to 3 hours to write that much. Why? I constantly delete sentences because I don’t like the phrasing or I worry about how my words will come across to whoever reads them. Does anyone else feel like this? (btw I haven’t been diagnosed yet so I’m not sure if have ADHD). ", "How do I get back into writing with ADHD? Ever since I was in 2nd grade I loved writing fiction. I hit my peak around eighth grade where we would practice fiction writing and I would write short stories that were frequently complimented. Writing was one of the few things I was really good at. \n\nNow it feels like I need Adderall to motivate me to write. I don’t know whether it’s because I don’t have someone providing me tools to write or it’s just that I’ve lost my way but I can’t write a story anymore. \n\nI have an idea of the type of characters, timeline, plot, etc I want to write about. I just don’t know how to put it in writing if that makes sense. But when I’m on Adderall I can write 10 pages no problem but the second it wears off I lost my motivation. \n\nIt’s sad too because it’s the only thing I was ever really good at and enjoyed.", "Thanks for the response. I bet your reading habits grant you a wide vocabulary in English and Danish.\n\nThe StPD is definitely helpful for idea generation and for making new connections. Though it's obviously terrible to experience those attacks, it's great that the rest of the time it doesn't affect your writing - or if it does it does so in a positive way.\n\nSometimes I have a great deal of trouble thinking and writing in order and that can leave me with a lot of weak connections, gaps, and leaps. I've always written stories and essays in a sort of snowball format and it's a nightmare trying to tie it all together at the end. I always wondered if that was a StPD thing.\n\nOccasionally when I have a mild StPD attack, I end up writing something almost incoherent without even realising how it looks to people reading it. It's much easier to do by writing than face to face because you don't have that immediate feedback. When I come back later it's quite embarrassing. It makes me doubt the way I write all of the time.\n\nI hope you will be able to take up your writing again soon, when you are ready!", "Honestly, I just wanna keep writing. I stopped writing around half way through November because depression is evil and severe and I want to write something.", "I'm a terrible writer. It takes me *forever* to write anything: a journal article, a report, an email, this post. I have a bad habit of editing while I write, so I can start with 3 pages and finish with 1 several hours later. Also, whenever I go back and read something I've written, I always think it's garbage." ], "top_scores": [ 19.551639556884766, 18.71164321899414, 18.564037322998047, 18.22049331665039, 17.25554656982422 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with executive dysfunction and perfectionism in the context of creative or academic writing.", "pearson_r": 0.7038556983051973, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3227, "freq": 0.05024222712488912, "mean_pos": 3.157698392868042, "max_act": 9.225245475769043, "log_density": -1.2989311089028817, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone else sometimes feel that almost every decision they made was the wrong one. Lots of times I'll find myself ruminating about situations where I could have spoken up or said something differently. And usually what I come up with in my mind is/sounds 100 percent better than what I actually did. And then of course I'm stuck feeling depressed in the end, sometimes wishing for a time machine or a portal to the past to appear just so I could redo those things.", "I wish my inner voice and gut was clearer. Half of me is screaming to stay and half of me is screaming to leave.", "I miss having so few obstacles in my life path to my goals & so many possible opportunities to achieve those goals.", "I've lost so many people in my life and now that I'm realizing why I can't stop re-living the past. How do you deal with all of this regret? I don't understand people who say they have \"no regrets\" I really don't. And I don't know if I'm just in the bargaining stage of my grieving process but all of a sudden I'm having all these guilt/regretful thoughts about my ex like:\n\n\"He was ADHD, should I have researched it more? Maybe that contributed to it ending? I should have understood more.\" or \"I should have been more in the moment.\" or \"Maybe my increase in Wellbutrin made me irritable and that's why things got so bad.\" or \"Why did I put him through all of this.\"\n\nThe basic theme is: Fuck, I could have changed things and I didn't. Why do I suck? \n\nThe thoughts are taking over my day-to-day and (surprise) it's hard to be in the present moment and move on. I know you can't change the past but... do I really know that? \n\nOr did I just answer my own question because this is my chance to change things and all that? Am I blaming myself? Do I deserve a closure letter from him? Would that help me move on? I want to write everyone I know a letter offering an explanation but that probably wouldn't help. How the hell do I let go of all of this? ", "I just want to rewind I’ve messed up too much. I wish I could just pause time think about a decision instead just walking into it. My life would be way better. This week especially. There’s so much I f’d up on. Then you just keep it all stored up not really telling anyone then the week is over. All that anxiety, nervousness. I wish I could back and fix where I messed up you know?" ], "top_scores": [ 9.225245475769043, 7.6882429122924805, 7.673987865447998, 7.66550874710083, 7.559805393218994 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the experience of chronic rumination, regret, and the desire to undo or change past decisions.", "pearson_r": 0.5804787670081302, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9304, "freq": 0.023267450587940955, "mean_pos": 6.7968926429748535, "max_act": 20.854488372802734, "log_density": -1.6332511810408472, "top_texts": [ "I’ve wanted a dog for the longest time, has it helped any of you? I feel directionless. I’m haunted by a traumatic past I can’t change, and indifferent for a future I don’t care about. \n\nI’ve always wanted my own dog, a being that I can care for unconditionally, and give me purpose. My family has been against the idea, I still live at home.\n\nI feel like I need this more than ever, have any of you sought a pet for companionship during troubled times? ", "Before I go I just wanted to share a story with anyone who would read it. I’ve been living with depression for over 4 years now. I lost something very special to me, my dog, Dari, and he was the sweetest boi there was. He had the softest pointy ears. He was a sucker for a belly rub and huge big paws, but still gentle. When I was going through hard times like I am today. I would always lie beside him and he would lick my tears away. Like he knew what I was going through. \n\nHe became an old boy but He fell ill and my family were worried but kind of kept on keeping my spirit high saying everything will be alright. I was only 15 at the time and was just about to go on holiday with my little sister and my mum with her friend and there daughter. I had spent the days before in my room with him in my single bed crushed against the wall because that was actually his bed considering he was a massive Doberman (who wouldn’t hurt a fly) you’d think he could have at least shared “my” bed. We watched all the seasons of Brooklyn99. \n\nThe day I was leaving for the airport I went to his cage where he lay there just looking at me. He looked in pain, empty. I had never seen him like that before. I just knew something wasn’t right. I gave him a cuddle and lots of kisses but he didn’t react in the way he would like before. I was sad but I understood he was sore, I gently stroked him and said I love you. On holiday I kept asking my dad at home how he was and he reassured he was okay. I wish I didn’t have to leave him. A long two weeks had passed and I was finally on my way home. I asked my sisters boyfriend if Dari was okay but he just wouldn’t answer. I knew. I just knew. \n\n\nI got home and his cage was empty. He was gone. I broke down then and there, I couldn’t move. I had a pain in my heart like there something missing. And there was. \n\nWhen he got put down, he had a big slab of meat and cheesecake for dessert. Life hasn’t been the same ever since. But before I go I just want to share one thing. If I have learned anything in life it would be cherish your dogs because they are a part of your life but you are their whole life. You never know when their last belly rub will be. [my boy♥️](https://i.imgur.com/MASWzwi.jpg)", "My Dog I've had my dog since 2008. I got her from an Ex girlfriend who I was dating at the time. She has been with me since then, when ever I come home she is the first to great me, wagging her tail and running around and barking at me obviously excited that I was home. I would reach down and let her and tell her how much I missed her. No matter what time it was she was always waiting by the front door. She would follow me around everywhere I went. She was very afraid of loud noises and would follow me into the bathroom when I would shower on New Years Eve or the 4th of July. Last year she developed a tumor on her back, I ended up taking her to the Vet to have it removed. It ended up being cancer, they removed it but said it could return. She made a full recovery and seemed to be in high spirits. A few weeks back she developed a hacking cough and was having trouble eating. She then developed another tumor on her butt. She stopped eating and has no energy. It hurts so bad to see her like this. I know what I must do but cant bring myself to do it. My father and my older sister just took her to the Vet to have her put down. I knew this day would come and know she has been in pain but I cant stop crying. I miss her already and I hope she knows how much I love her, and how hard it is to let her go. I'm so sorry Chispita. ", "You can look on [Does the Dog Die](https://www.doesthedogdie.com/) and it will warn you about all of these things.", "Should i adopt a dog? I left my wife after she broke our rules, and she kept the dogs. Usually when i have my depressive streaks, the dogs would help me out. I haven't been to class in the weeks and I'm staying to think that i need to get a dog of my own to help me when i have my depressive episodes. I'm finally stable and have a good support system, but i'm not sure if i'm just compensating or if that's a healthy coping choice. \nAny help? " ], "top_scores": [ 20.854488372802734, 20.09720802307129, 20.091964721679688, 19.518529891967773, 19.440631866455078 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the therapeutic role of pets as a source of emotional support and coping for mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.4380573856559815, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2825, "freq": 0.033752587167648465, "mean_pos": 4.648757457733154, "max_act": 18.601669311523438, "log_density": -1.4716929196083235, "top_texts": [ "Much like everyone else, I had a psychologist evaluation and then took a two-hour long personality test with 500+ questions.", "I have an 8 hour psychological test tomorrow. If any of you have taken it, I’d like to ask a couple of questions. My doctor has been treating me with Adderall already for like a month before the testing. Do I need to take the medicine before the test?\n\nWhat was it like after the testing? Did you talk to your doctor about a treatment plan? Did they test for ADHD only or multiple things? \n\n", "What test is this? If it's not being done by a psychologist, psychiatrist, or neuropsych then I'd say don't worry until you see a real provider. If you are experiencing distressing symptoms, it would be a good idea to reach out to one about valid testing.", "Have you had the formal testing done? Both my husband and I had the full day of psychometric testing", "Neuropsychological Evaluation I’ve got a neuropsychological evaluation coming up next week. My psychiatrist recommended it as a way to confirm or debunk my diagnosis of ADHD.\n\nWhat am I in for here? \n\nIt took months of crap to get to see any doctors at all. Then more months to finally get to do this test. The hype and anticipation of real answers has been killing me.\n\nI’m told it is a more robust battery of questions that will allow the doctors to more accurately define the particulars of my brain issues. It’s two days, four hours of testing each. \n\nHave you done it? What should I be doing to prepare? It feels like the SATs, except that I have not done rigorous training and strategizing to succeed. Idk what success even would be on a test like this. I mostly just want to know wtf is going on in my brain all these years.\n\nWhat can you tell me about your own experiences with this kind of test? Did it help? Was it a waste of time? How objective versus subjective are the questions? Emotional eloquence is not my strength, and failing to accurately convey my thoughts on that front has lead to some unproductive talks with doctors in the past. \n\nCan ya help a dude out?\nThanks for any advice you can pass along!!" ], "top_scores": [ 18.601669311523438, 17.05834197998047, 16.569116592407227, 16.408409118652344, 16.121015548706055 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process and experience of undergoing formal psychological or neuropsychological diagnostic testing.", "pearson_r": 0.4798531044967155, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8030, "freq": 0.039142993608843, "mean_pos": 3.9856245517730713, "max_act": 14.299906730651855, "log_density": -1.407345951995694, "top_texts": [ "Dark Rooms I'm lying down in a dark room,\ntrying to think this isn't my tomb. \nSearching for a night light that isn't here, \ntrying not to think of what happened past years. \n\nSlowly it creeps back into my mind. \nHere to stay to strangle and bind. \nIts just not something someone should see. \nIt's ingrained in my mind and cannot flee. \n\nA small mistake has ended two lives. \nI can't help to think I had known him since five. \nTo remember him now just brings back the pain. \nIf only the driver could just have stayed in their lane. \n\nOver the bridge and the car torn apart. \nMy friends did not make it, no beating heart. \nIn the backseat I was pinned to cold steel. \nTo see what I have seen there is no way to heal. \n\nYears have past and my body is whole, \nbut my mind still remembers and it's taken its toll. \nTo close my eyes and feel trapped again.\nTo see my friends in that car that weekend.", "Matt Heafy of Trivium inspired me to get my thoughts and feelings down. So have some lyrics I wrote :) Fallen down too many times, \n\nBut you wouldn't pull me up, \n\nYou just dragged me down, \n\nFurther into my flaws,\n\nNot content with seeing me fail, \n\nHeld in place, \n\nYou hammered nails into my skin, \n\nCrucifixion was your despicable aim, \n\nStrung up and left for dead, \n\nEverything right in place, \n\nYou knew what you were doing, \n\nBut you didn't stop, \n\nVenomous leeches drain me of life, \n\nGasping for air,\n\nYou left me stranded, \n\nNothing left for the ravenous masses,\n\nI am but an empty shell, \n\nHollowed out for your amusement, \n\nYou carved out what was left, \n\nAnd for what exactly", "I'm dying Time passes by and no one can see I'm dying\nI sit and I stare at nothing, my thoughts are empty\nHappiness is out of reach, joy is fleeting\nI search and search but it's never found\nComfort only comes in dreams\nI spend more and more time there\nI'm dying\n", "Starry night: A poem Every night I look up into the dark sky\nAnd stare at the stars shining\nThey are all so bright\nSo beautiful\nSo...amazing\n\nThen I look deep inside my heart\nA dark void\nFilled with nothing but empty space \nI’m jealous of the stars \nShining at each other\nMocking me in the process\n\nIt hurts to see them so bright together\nBecause my heart knows \nIt won’t ever see the bright light\nIt will be\n\n\n Alone \n\n\n Forever\n\n\n And\n\n\n Ever\n \n\nAnd while the stars cheer each other up\nThey will eventually forget\nWho’s remains here alone\nAs a black dwarf \nWho can never find love\nIn his deep dark heart\nIn the middle of nowhere\n\nThe stars can’t see the hurt they cause\nThey are selfish\nOr am I selfish\n\nAll I know is that it hurts...\nIt hurts to see them care\nIt hurts to see them love\nIt hurts to see them together\nAll bright and happy\n\nIt hurts that I can never be like that...", "Broken - a poem This body,\n\nA beautiful casket for a broken soul,\n\nLegs that walk but have no destination,\n\nEyes that once cried of laughter cry of loneliness,\n\nA tongue that tastes the sweetest things although everything tastes bland lately,\n\nEars that listened to stories with happy endings, now listen to the emptiness of my fate\n\nA heart that beats when all this soul wants is for it to silence itself,\n\nHands that pray now hold the blade, \n\nPlease rest this casket beneath the dirt,\n\nLet the earth consume me in an everlasting peaceful nothingness." ], "top_scores": [ 14.299906730651855, 12.630399703979492, 12.50744342803955, 12.427155494689941, 12.397911071777344 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of emotional distress through creative, metaphorical, or poetic writing.", "pearson_r": 0.4768179966867344, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4794, "freq": 0.040917051424932335, "mean_pos": 3.794978380203247, "max_act": 14.102863311767578, "log_density": -1.3880956594587568, "top_texts": [ "Zoom Study Room Hi everyone! My name is Mike (22 yo) and I am one of those who find it extremely difficult and depressing to study alone at home during quarantine. I tried to create a group for anyone who wants to work/study with other people because I personally find it easier and more motivating. I want to ask you to help me with studying and I will help you in return. I bought a premium on zoom so that we can have 24/7 study meetings non-stop, join and leave whenever you want (not gonna charge anything for this at all, never-ever). \n\nThis zoom study room was created just a few days ago and it already had 2 meetings with wonderful and positive people from around the world: Australia, United Kingdom, Kazakhstan, India, France, Italy, United States and more. Right now there are more than 130 participants which join meetings using video at convenient for them time, so someone is always online and working.\n\nIn addition, I know how hard this can be in times of complete lockdown... I couldn't properly study for last 3 weeks, since the beginning of the quarantine. During my university times I used to go to the library all the time, and now this, without seeing friends, family, loved ones for weeks (I am an international student). Honestly speaking, so far zoom helped me a bit, at least when I seat and turn my video on - I actually start working by seeing that other people are also working. \n\nFeel free to add me to your contacts using the link below and I will add you to our group as soon as I see. \n\n[Link](https://us04web.zoom.us/im/add?code=SkFz74_GVweXPHWhtYGU3ZCeT4Mkx-vqZoOv5UXIWhU.BQgAAAFxjEQalwAnjQAWSWlSa1ZpUnhTeDZmTVlDTk54X3c4UQQAZAAAFkY5bXZBZ0JMU1p1R0Y5X3gyekJDN1EAAAAAAAAAAA)\n\nHopefully it can help someone.", "Can only study at the library I can only study at the library idk why maybe its just habit I developed but I cant study or do homework at home. Is anyone else the same way or have similar experiences?", "Any of you guys study away all your problems Like I find just studying is a shield to ignore my stuff like lack of social group or stuff like that. ", "I can not study at all. I don't know if I can post this in this sub, but here I go. \nSo, I don't know why but I can't study. Like, at all. \nIt's my final year in highschool and finals are coming up in 2 months. My classmates have no problem studying at all, and they make it look so easy. They study for over 5 hours every single day. But, I can't do that. I can't study for over 20 minutes without feeling anxious and sad because I can't understand anything. I am staring at the wall for a long period of time, while thinking about how sad I am, and thinking about the future and stuff. \nWhy can't I just study? What is wrong with me?", "Does music really help studying I was told that classical helps with memorization and stuff but for me, Sam Smith works just the same. \n\nBut....if the music is too good, I tend to get carried away and dance it out in my workroom so I dont even know anymore" ], "top_scores": [ 14.102863311767578, 13.378331184387207, 12.282198905944824, 12.278085708618164, 11.216903686523438 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with academic productivity and the cognitive or environmental challenges associated with studying.", "pearson_r": 0.35529675610958567, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7211, "freq": 0.02970409625400869, "mean_pos": 5.182784557342529, "max_act": 18.07416534423828, "log_density": -1.5271836418585818, "top_texts": [ "Yeah absolutely, it's hard when something else stressful pops up and the stress feels sooooo extreme even if the actual situation is in reality easy to manage for most", "Rubbing with shoulders with people and socializing too frequently may also be source of stress as the soul and body needs to re-energize it frequently. This is similar to the phoenix rising from the ashes to become a stronger self- a dramatic example which, yet all too relevant. **Leave your Comfort Zone** The familiar can also be a cause of stress ass the more used to you is to familiarity the more stress any unknown element will give you. It’s best to change ones surroundings and indulge in new activities to push yourself to your limit.", "As far as stress resistance goes, in terms of affect you would never be able to tell that I was experiencing stress. When I feel stress, there's little emotional response, mostly just physiological responses, such as the chest feeling tighter.", "That's a really good point - thank you. Hell, having something to study would be decent for stress, probably, lol.", "Yesss it's the worst 😭 it doesn't help that stress in general makes me nauseous too" ], "top_scores": [ 18.07416534423828, 15.90129280090332, 15.752568244934082, 15.616044044494629, 15.58432674407959 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and physiological manifestation of stress.", "pearson_r": 0.44767968587711027, "pred_f1": 0.6896551724137931 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10041, "freq": 0.04505651966247413, "mean_pos": 3.40614652633667, "max_act": 13.081704139709473, "log_density": -1.346242348240901, "top_texts": [ "Im about to start a new job soon and am crazy scared cause I hate being the new person, but I know it's time", "New Therapist Winning! My daughter met her new therapist yesterday. He immediately won her over making her feel comfortable. That's the first win. \n\nThe second, he's EXCITED. He's excited to help. He's excited to put the pieces together. He's excited to help her with coping skills. He's excited to learn and try and to do what's needed. \n\nAfter months of being left in the dark and then suddenly having her dropped off because her dad and step mom just couldn't take it anymore, we have a chance to start over and get her help from people who will be in her corner. And her new therapist, he's a darn good start.", "Restart - New Game Since I've been playing video games my whole life, I feel like I just want to restart it all over. My current life had become so pointless, and had become a total mess.\n\nI wish I could make a fresh start. Start from day one again. Or maybe go back to certain points of my life from before and change some things, I don't know. Going further is just, useless.\n\nedit: grammar", "You need some new friends. You probably already know that but still.", "New FP About a month ago I broke up with my FP, but since then I met someone, and I'm completely in love with her. Is it normal to just \"forget\" your old FP within such a short amount of time, and being superclose with someone new?" ], "top_scores": [ 13.081704139709473, 9.757552146911621, 9.647562980651855, 9.475669860839844, 9.025214195251465 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the anticipation or experience of new beginnings, transitions, and fresh starts.", "pearson_r": 0.43799783705305884, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2763, "freq": 0.0355039006527623, "mean_pos": 4.319468975067139, "max_act": 16.45366668701172, "log_density": -1.4497239181236092, "top_texts": [ "I’ve been self harming again, should I be open with my boyfriend about it? I’m 22 and I hadn’t self harmed since I was about 16 but things have been so bad today I relapsed.\n\nI feel like I need to tell someone, I need to get help and I need support, I’m scared things will spiral out of control again\n\nBut I don’t want to traumatise my boyfriend, being with someone who is mentally ill must be such a heartbreaking burden to bear and I don’t want to put him through more than he already has to deal with being with me \n\nMaybe I should tell my mum? I don’t want to be selfish and worry people, but I am also scared of how bad things could get if I don’t ask for help\n\nI’m sorry and any advice would be massively appreciated", "also true, what I meant is that actually in the dsm one of the traits of BPD is self harm, but thats just one, ofc it doesn't mean that everyone who selfharm has BPD", "ADHD and self harm? TW, but not actually going into the details of self harm. Just more generally wondering - has anybody else struggled with self harm as a coping mechanism for ADHD? Was it before or after a diagnosis?", "What kind of coping skills do usually help you? I was always taught that there are 3 levels of coping with the urge to self harm:\n\n1. Do things that are good for, aka self care. A bath, a face mask, cleaning your flat, brushing your teeth, making a healthy meal, etc\n\n2. Distraction from the urge. This one is more acute, when self harm is quite prominent in your mind. Watch something good on netflix, count to 100, workout, go for a walk, play with a pet, etc\n\n3. Alternative Pain without lasting consequences. When you find that you need the sensation, you can try to do without a lasting impact. My favourite options are those:\n\n- putting little sharp rocks in your shoes and walking arround the block\n- use an ice pack or tiger balm\n- hard ab workout (makes your stomach hurt and is healty)\n- cold shower\n- press a massage ball (spiky ball)\n- eat a chilli or super sour sweeties\n\n\nIf you need more suggestions, download the app 'distract', it has many good ideas on coping skills, including links to funny videos or netflix shoes if it is overwhelming to find them on your own.", "SOS I found out that my closest friend is self harming, don't know how to react and how to help I myself am clean from self-harming for almost 3 years. When I used to harm myself, I would do it in places no one could ever see, if it didn't work I used makeup to conceal even the smallest marks.However my friend's story is rather different. \n\nI saw my friends cuts on his arm, some weeks they are worse, some better. The marks of cuts and bruises are extremely visible since he often wears T shirts. Once I shared my battle with depression and self-harming, thinking that maybe he will open a little bit but it didn't happen. All I know from him is that he has troubles controlling his emotions and uses hurting himself as means of gaining control over the negative feelings.\n\nThe thing is\n\n\n1. I don't know how to react (should I ignore the fresh marks as if they weren't there and go on talking whatever?? Or should I bring it up?)\n\n2. Should I suggest him seeing a professional? I always offer my own help but he never asks for it... " ], "top_scores": [ 16.45366668701172, 15.509706497192383, 15.472593307495117, 14.392301559448242, 14.30921459197998 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of self-harm as a personal behavior, coping mechanism, or clinical concern.", "pearson_r": 0.3597352128363246, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10042, "freq": 0.030522892169126844, "mean_pos": 4.95465087890625, "max_act": 18.47927474975586, "log_density": -1.515374303356873, "top_texts": [ "FP someone you’re not close with Does anyone else have this? My FP transitioned from my ex to a crush shortly before the breakup. The relationship was very unhealthy if that’s at all significant. However, attention from my FP sends me into endless daydreams while lack of any attention makes me feel like nothing. \n\nI guess what I’m curious to know is, does anyone else have a FP that they aren’t even close with yet can manage to set your emotions on a rollercoaster just based on their behaviors? \n\nIt’s so damn frustrating and don’t know how to manage this. If anyone can help shed some light on this, please do. I feel helpless.", "FP's and Significant others... My first post here. Been lurking for a while. Thought I would finally pose a question I've been wondering about since finding you guys.\n\nI know the concept of an \"FP\" isn't something everyone with BPD has and isn't necessarily a part of the disorder - but it's definitely something that happens for me and gets me into a whole lot of trouble and pain.\n\nI was wondering for others who have this: how is it possible to have a significant other who is NOT your FP? I know that an FP isn't a healthy thing, and something you need to recognize isn't really a good thing. But at the same time we all know that they are like a drug - being around them feels good, being validated by them feels good, making them feel good feels good!\n\nI guess I don't know how to differentiate between a healthy, proper relationship with someone who could be a significant other and the unhealthy powerful emotions of an FP....I look for the feelings associated with an FP to be associated with a significant other and if they don't come I assume I don't love them or I can't stay interseted or put the proper energy into the relationship. \n\nI don't know if this makes sense, but I know a few people here have talked about having a significant other AND an FP, so I thought I would throw it out there.\n\nAs a side note I have been a redditor for a long time but the idea of checking out a subreddit for BPD literally hit me like a month ago. It's been kind of life-changing. I've never been to any group therapy and for a long time was only diagnosed as depressed and anxious. Other people who were depressed and anxious never seemed to match my feelings. Literally the first 3 posts I read here just hit me so hard - I'm not alone! Thank you for that.", "How does one get over an FP? I know I’ve done it before, I just struggle to remember how.", "FP Parent Representation? Hi, guys! So I recently stumbled upon the idea that a FP is a representation of a parent (?) Do you know if this is true? And if it is, how do you deal with it?", "Oh this makes so much sense. I despise being an FP, it’s very obvious when it’s happening with someone currently unwell. Also been on the other side of that scenario dozens of times. Luckily life is different now." ], "top_scores": [ 18.47927474975586, 17.278705596923828, 17.10428810119629, 16.877513885498047, 16.831411361694336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the concept of a \"Favorite Person\" (FP) within the context of Borderline Personality Disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.5284014121419301, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6450, "freq": 0.043623626811017356, "mean_pos": 3.466264247894287, "max_act": 10.501792907714844, "log_density": -1.3602782206281976, "top_texts": [ "Can unintentional self harm still be considered self harm? So today I got angry and was in a very heated discussion. I didn’t mean to hurt myself but scratched my face out of anger. \n\nI didn’t even realize I had done it until the person I was arguing with made me aware of the bleeding scratches. \n\nThe definition of self harm usually includes the word „intentional“. This wasn’t really intentional, I just can’t control my anger and how I let it out. \n\nAnother example: once again, I had been arguing a lot and was apparently hitting my chest while doing so. A few days later I realized that was where the big bruise on my chest that I couldn’t explain at first came from. \n\nWould these examples still be considered self harm? It’s not something I planned or that I „intentionally“ do like when I used to cut. These things just happen. \n\nIf it’s not self harm, does anyone know what you would call this?", "I actually enjoy hurting people, but I rarely do it on purpose because it has negative social consequences. It's much easier to make people hurt themselves.", "It was on purpose, so they did it to hurt me for something, I don't even know I did.", "It's good that you don't hurt others anymore but you shouldn't hurt yourself either. And yes it probably is self punishment since it sounds like you do it a lot. I think it's time you work towards moving on.", "That’s kind, thank you. I have a lot of flaws but I can honestly say that I never go out of my way to hurt others as some narcissists seem to do." ], "top_scores": [ 10.501792907714844, 10.458481788635254, 10.372391700744629, 10.098982810974121, 10.071002006530762 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of interpersonal or intrapersonal physical harm and aggression.", "pearson_r": -0.24571804673358053, "pred_f1": 0.13333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1200, "freq": 0.029635863261082175, "mean_pos": 5.095378398895264, "max_act": 20.171178817749023, "log_density": -1.5281824030513897, "top_texts": [ "I was on abilify for 8 years and like I mentioned, it resulted in 2 full months of nausea, extreme dizziness to the point where I was holding on to walls whenever I could without looking too suspicious to my coworkers and of course severe headaches. ", "My personal experience with Abilify hasn't been great. I'm currently trying to taper off of it now. I have bad akathisia, as well as the fact that it makes me more paranoid than I already am. It also had a different effect for me: I lost my appetite almost completely and lost weight. Which is weird, because I always read that it makes you gain instead. I just think it's not for me, but I hope it works for you because it DID help me feel a little better. Its side effects are just too much for me to handle, so I'm on Lamictal now.", "Abilify was not fun for me. On top of really bad akathisia, it also made my anxiety worse and made me really paranoid.", "Question about abilify side effects I was taking abilify for 3 weeks, after 2 and a half weeks i felt constantly on the verge of a panic attack for 3 days and it stopped once i stopped taking the abilify.\nIt was working amazingly and then suddenly was making me feel worse? Could i have done something wrong or has this happened to anyone else before?", "Aripiprazole (Abilify) wrecked my memory. I was on 15mg/day for around 3 months before I quit taking it against the wishes of my doctor.. It got to the point where my condition was akin to middle stage alzheimer. It was very hard to speak as I couldn't remember words. I had to combine english and finnish to communicate at all. This is why there is one year gap in my post history on reddit. I also gained 20kg's in couple months. Lost libido and couldn't get erection. I stopped taking Aripiprazole in June last year. Around christmas I noticed that my condition started to get better. Libido started returning and weight started to go down a tiny bit. My memory has mostly recovered. At the start I also experienced blurry vision and testicular pain. I have nothing good to say about this medication. \n \nI am really mad at my doctor about not telling me that my memory problems were caused by the medication. I thought my days were numbered as my condition worsened rapidly." ], "top_scores": [ 20.171178817749023, 19.54114532470703, 19.044790267944336, 17.913564682006836, 16.38279151916504 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents negative physical and psychological side effects associated with the medication Abilify.", "pearson_r": 0.5428834907456519, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8826, "freq": 0.04093979575590784, "mean_pos": 3.6858911514282227, "max_act": 12.199508666992188, "log_density": -1.3878543177068987, "top_texts": [ "I do. It’s just that a lot of my problems are situational, ya know. Things keep happening.", "The biggest problem For my depression the biggest problem seems to be that Im so uncomfortable with myself. It doesnt matter what Im doing but most of the time I just dont feel good in my body. Even going to the Gym, which many people recommend these days, had not brought significant betterment. Its just that feeling to be not complete enough,not worthy enough to be loved or accept by other people. Men today its one of these bad days again where I feel much worse than normal. Anyway guys just want to make the point, that one of the biggest problem might be for some facing depression, that we cant accept us the way we are.", "E anche ammesso che, come risolveresti questi problemi di rabbia repressa?", "Anyone feel like that everyone else's problems are bigger/more important than yours? It always feels like all of my friends' problems should come before mine, no matter on what mine are or what they are doing to me. Like everyone else is more important.", "Am I the Problem in my Life? So there’s two things that I turn to when I start asking myself this, which is almost every day. The one is the saying that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. The other is that if everyone seems to be terrible, then the problem is most likely you. I’d love to get an unbiased 3rd party to chime in here because I may not be seeing something that everyone else sees.\n\nI have severe depression and have been living with it for almost 15 years. My issues were brought on by a car wreck that involved a massive concussion, cutting up my face, and busting my knee. Since that incident, I’ve suffered from PTSD and depression. It took me about 6 years before I could walk normally again, however, all those factors combined lead to about 80 pounds of weight gained.\n\nI’ve been working on taking care of myself as of late. I’ve been exercising and eating better. I started going to a therapist and psychiatrist 4 years ago, and it’s helped me with the lowest of the lows. However, I feel like it’s all for nothing. I’m not happy. I feel as though anytime I try to self improve, I wind up going 10 steps back. \n\nI dated a girl for 7 1/2 years before she left me without even giving me a reason. This was almost 4 years ago. I still don’t know why. She only contacts me if she needs something, which I do for her because I still love her. I tried moving on from her last year, but I was met with disappointment and heartache. I don’t really fall for people and have only had 6 crushes in my entire life, 3 of which were before I was 19 (33 now). The one was my best friend’s now wife whom I had a thing for before they got together. Didn’t plan on it, but it happened. I’ve never told them and I’ve never acted on it. But it hurts. They even asked me to officiate for them when they got married. That was probably the hardest day of my life.\n\nMost recently I’ve developed a thing for someone who doesn’t reciprocate at all. I’ve been turned down and rejected. And that’s okay. People like what they like. But I’m struggling to find out what it is exactly about me or my personality that’s such a turn off to people. I try my hardest to be a good person. To do right. I donate to charities, I do favors for friends, I’m always there when someone needs something. But I constantly feel like a doormat and that no one really cares about me for who I am, rather what they can get out of me. \n\nMaybe I just needed to vent. I’ve spent the last 8 weeks crying every day when I get home and I’m alone. I’ve nearly broken down at work. I’ve talked to my therapist about this, but from what she’s told me, it’s the people in my life who are the problem. Not me. I don’t know if that’s true. I tend to accept all blame and guilt because I never want to be someone who blames other for their issues. I don’t know what to or where to turn to anymore. " ], "top_scores": [ 12.199508666992188, 11.886307716369629, 11.469202995300293, 11.375478744506836, 11.058069229125977 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures internal self-reflection and questioning regarding one's own role, identity, or adequacy in relation to personal problems.", "pearson_r": 0.1994040349746895, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5811, "freq": 0.027816316783041826, "mean_pos": 5.383591175079346, "max_act": 19.012718200683594, "log_density": -1.555700360769105, "top_texts": [ "I can't stop cutting myself A few weeks ago, I was really driven over the edge, I took a knife from the kitchen, and started hacking at my thighs. Today, I have four knives and spend hours every day cutting intricate patterns into my legs and arms. I can't stop, and I feel empty and shit without it.\n\nI have never been (officially) diagnosed with depression, but I surely relate to most stuff here and I'm usually feeling like complete shit.\n\nI don't really know what to do", "NSFW TRIGGER WARNING CUTTING. I cut but I’m not suicidal. I (27f) cut myself sometimes. I don’t do it because i want to die, it’s just an adrenaline rush that beats my sadness. I recently let my boyfriend (living together a year) in on it, that is that I’ve started to again, because one wouldn’t stop bleeding and I didn’t know where the bandaids were. I’m embarrassed but also relieved to let him know. It feels like a comfortable state. I’d like to stay here because I am not suicidal and it feels good when things are really really bad. Is this acceptable? \n\n\nTLDR; how do I justify just little cuts? Or do I have to stop for good?", "I cut myself for the first time I don’t know how to feel about it ", "Do you guis ever cut and then run your fingers over the fresh cuts to just feel them? I cut last night and all throughout the day I kept just feeling them, kinda remembering why I did it. I don’t know if this is a normal thing or if I’m just weird. I think it feels somewhat “nice” for lack of a better word...", "I cut myself again I hadn't cut myself in weeks and after some stuff happened today I decided to cut myself and I felt such a relief" ], "top_scores": [ 19.012718200683594, 18.778858184814453, 18.74956512451172, 18.74591064453125, 18.73228645324707 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the act of non-suicidal self-injury and the associated physical or emotional sensations derived from it.", "pearson_r": 0.5374188628981016, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4475, "freq": 0.02615598062183001, "mean_pos": 5.713299751281738, "max_act": 21.069332122802734, "log_density": -1.5824289764606965, "top_texts": [ "Can't imagine having anxiety or depression would make you more or less empathetic in one way of another. Maybe look into finding some studies on it", "I think this gets a bit misunderstood to be honest. A real lack of empathy is something that shows up in action towards others not so much in how you feel. \n\nIf your friends father dies and you don’t share their pain that’s not a serious issue in my opinion but if you leave your 6 month old baby crying because it’s hungry and swimming in it’s own piss and shit so you can go out drinking because that’s more important to you than your babies well being, that is more in line with a complete lack of empathy in my opinion. From my experience people who have this level of empathy tend to lie about it and make excuses for it and attempt to justify it", "Impaired empathy is also how I would characterise mine. Although I've noticed people who claim to have a lot of empathy or be an empath oftentimes just reflect their own emotions onto other people. I honestly can't tell what is a right amount of empathy to have or who actually has it.", "Does anyone here *really* feel ‘empathy’ for others? Lack of empathy is noted as pretty common symptom. A lot of the people who post on bpd forums (not just/only here) who talk about empathy (obligatory “not all”...) talk about it in more of a sense that’s more related to an effect their own feelings than someone else’s. \n\nDunno if this is a sensitive sub or not, just curious not trying to start anything", "You can be a narcissist and have empathy. Empathy is only one symptom criteria" ], "top_scores": [ 21.069332122802734, 20.99077033996582, 20.5498104095459, 20.38351058959961, 20.380535125732422 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptual analysis and questioning of the nature, definition, and presence of empathy in mental health contexts.", "pearson_r": 0.5170326722549718, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 985, "freq": 0.038028521391043284, "mean_pos": 3.9073269367218018, "max_act": 16.092008590698242, "log_density": -1.419890548895102, "top_texts": [ "What gets better? Just a quick question: in what ways does life get better? I've spent years being told that life gets better but I'm still hurting every day mentally and physically. So to anyone who has any idea about what really gets better in life or anyone that has good reasons to keep pushing through life, I would love to hear from you.", "To the people that like to say it gets better: When?? Im so sick of this. Im 26 and have struggled with mental illness for 10 years. I did everything right to try to get better - meds, therapy, exercise, meditation, healthy eating, and everything keeps getting worse. Nothing has worked in 10 years... even a little. To be completely honest, I dont think everyone gets better. I think Im going to live in misery until I die, which is hopefully sooner rather than later. When people say that it gets better it just hurts all the more. Youre one of the lucky ones. I feel like someone who is desperately trying to lose weight and cant even though they are following all of the proper steps and see everyone around them dropping pounds like crazy from whatever new diet people are on. That person may never lose that weight. I may never get better. Why do we keep encouraging people to hold on, life gets better? Whats so great about living a waking nightmare just for the possibility of life maybe becoming more durable? I wish voluntary suicidew was legal. At least that way someone who needs a liver and actually wants a life can have a life. Fuck being stuck in 4 dimensional spacetime. Get me out of here.", "IT WILL BE OK!! I can assure you things always get better, and if they haven't gotten better then it hasn't been enough time", "ye it does get better. at least the drama is workplace drama", "Even if you don’t see it now, know that things always get better, and if it hasn’t gotten better yet, that means you’re closer to that day" ], "top_scores": [ 16.092008590698242, 15.225500106811523, 13.988451957702637, 13.31368350982666, 13.147286415100098 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents skepticism or reassurance regarding the platitude that life inevitably improves over time.", "pearson_r": 0.458996764507441, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7223, "freq": 0.0391657379398185, "mean_pos": 3.7688541412353516, "max_act": 14.996904373168945, "log_density": -1.4070936752120615, "top_texts": [ "Also, I have read Stop Walking on Eggshells, and while I think it does have a lot of really good information in it, it feels like it villainizes us at times. There's a book the specialist recommended to me during that meeting - \"The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide\" - and I've been reading it. It's been very compassionate and well written. I hate you - Don't Leave Me is also pretty good.", "What book can I read about BPD? I have a friend with BPD, and I've been reading \"I hate you, don't leave.\" I'm kind of worried that book might be kind of outdated, but I don't wanna either buy a book that end up not helping or worsen the situation. Is that book still a good guide, or I need to read another one (and which one)?", "I might look into it then! Another book that was recommended to me was by the woman who diagnosed me. It's called \"The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide.\" I haven't read it yet, but plan to pick it up soon. She said it was really good, and I'm more inclined to trust her judgement on books since she specifically works with BPD.", "Book Recommendations? I've read a few books and I really enjoyed the perspectives that were discussed: \n\nThe ADHD Marriage, Melissa Orlove\n\nDriven to Distraction, Edward Hallowell and John Ratey\n\nFocused Forward, James Ochoa\n\n&#x200B;\n\nWhat are some other books that you all have read? I'm looking to read \"Delivered From Distraction\". Are there other books you have found to be helpful? Open your eyes or help you see yourself or how you interact with the world in a new light? \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI love finding a new book and hyperfocusing on it while ignoring the other things I need to do in life, \"relaxation\" as some folks describe it.... ", "The only one I've read is \"symptoms of being human\" by jeff garvin, which was pretty good." ], "top_scores": [ 14.996904373168945, 13.73974609375, 13.715042114257812, 12.6883544921875, 12.605866432189941 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the seeking or discussion of specific mental health literature and book recommendations.", "pearson_r": 0.5604941967930918, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2121, "freq": 0.0375963791025087, "mean_pos": 3.891916513442993, "max_act": 14.127798080444336, "log_density": -1.424853968295385, "top_texts": [ "Violence and domination are the tools of the weak and ignorant\nCold calculation loses to objectivity, cynicism loses to realism\nAspd's or even <<primary psychopaths>> are incomplete\nThey use their emotions and well structured and adaptive psychology to survive and succeed\n\nMeanwhile they should be using the emotions and the adaptive psychology of others\n\nYou see, real power never comes from one person who exceeds the abilities of everyone\nBut from one person manipulating the abilities of everyone for the best outcome\n\nAka charisma\nAnd i'm not referring to the fake and fabricated one, i refer to the actual charisma, which is impressing others with abilities they can respect, admire, and adore\n\nThe most manipulative people in history, never had to actually lie or alter events and facts\nBut present them in an acceptable, bright, illuminating way\nWhich is pretty much what every cluster b-doesn't do\n\nAnd i would argue that you all overestimate your apathy and emptiness\nThere's power in kindness, love, empathy, power that lasts-\nUnlike the attributes of manipulation, or cold calculation\n\nIf you dominate someone's mind and body, expect him to find ways to cope with it\nDominate his dreams and hopes, he is yours forever\n\nWhat i'm referring to here is positivity, people WANT to be leaded, they want to be guided\n\nNow compare that to aspd's who see general humans as food\nIt's bad for long term thinking and establishment of objectively difficult goals\nHence, machiavellianism works better", "I can be “annoyed” but still feel as if I have power over that person and that I’m being validated. It’s a different form of “supply” and to even have that kind of hold on someone can be a good feeling. \n\nThough someone can go from gold to trash if that trash still desires me or if even the thought of me seems to illicit strong feelings then it can be intoxicating because it’s a form of control", "It's like a milder form of gaslighting. Works well on insecure people and sycophants.", "Appreciate the thorough reply. What you said made perfect sense. \n\nIf I were in her shoes and someone confronted me about something like that I would find their response over the top while also feeling good for having such a stranglehold on someone’s emotions. \n\nI project that onto others which was what made me feel worse - as if she held power over me. \n\nAnd because she’s such a nonchalant person there’s no dynamic that I can exploit. Not even the fact I slept with her matters cause she legit never brought it up and went on like nothing happened. It’s like she’s immune to my wiles and it’s bothering me 😂 \n\nI’m working on moving past this petty stuff though because in the past I would have either cut her off completely, or tried even harder to get her to fall for me so the power balance would tip into my favor so to speak. But the best thing I started learning to do was to let go. It’s hard because it feels like “losing” but hey one day at a time", "It is so hard, some people prey on people they percieve as vulnerable to make them feel powerful. It hurts so much and is so hard to deal with. I'm still learning how to navigate these situations ❤️" ], "top_scores": [ 14.127798080444336, 13.773385047912598, 13.706896781921387, 13.306233406066895, 13.230084419250488 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of interpersonal manipulation, power dynamics, and the pursuit of emotional dominance over others.", "pearson_r": 0.8467930284827017, "pred_f1": 0.9 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6713, "freq": 0.03543566765983579, "mean_pos": 4.114186763763428, "max_act": 18.63922119140625, "log_density": -1.4505593678259272, "top_texts": [ "identity crisis i don’t even know who i am. throughout my life i’ve spent so much time trying to be like other people who i admired or be like a certain group of people that i don’t even know what i like. i don’t even have my own style because i like most fashion styles and want to do all of it at once. \n\ni’ve changed my major in college 4 times now and i still don’t know if this semester is the one i want to do but i’m running out of time and can’t waste money. i’m pretty confident in it but i know how easily my mind changes. i think i’ve imagined every career path possible and i’m like “that could be cool”. but do i really LIKE it??? \n\non top of that, i don’t even know what hobbies i like. i know i like writing (poetry, mostly) and i used to write all the time but since i’m not as depressed as i used to be, i completely stopped writing because all of my writing was sad. i don’t even know how to write happily. \n\ni don’t really know where i was going with this, but if you feel like it explain some ways you deal with identity personally. no clue how to act like myself because i feel like “myself” includes bits and pieces of everyone else. \n", "I'm so angry, my identity crisis will never end I've changed styles, interests, phases ever since I was 10. I want my life to be ONE thing. I'm gothic but then I really want the entire pink rainbow razor pc setup. I want these cute stuffed animals but it doesn't match my posters. I switch music interests like crazy but I don't want to. I can't pick a single aesthetic, a single flow of interests. I don't know what I am! I don't know what makes me happiest. I love it all but I don't want to BE it all. I want consistency not overwhelmingness.\n\nI've made all types of friends over the years and I see them and morph myself and my things into them and then when they go I'm left with being a shell of something I lost interest in and doesn't feel it's me. I'm a walking cluster of tens of old friends personalities. \n\nDoes anyone know how to overcome this? What should I do? Is this a common problem?", "I've completely lost my whole sense of self and I have no idea how to get it back I'm experiencing the longest depression I've ever had. Going on 7 years now. I've been depressed so long that I don't even know who I am anymore. I have such an unhealthy hatred for myself that even when Im motivated to try to like myself I don't even know who that is anymore. I feel like I have no identity and I know thats common with BPD but I feel as though its often talked about like you act different depending on who your with and thats not what I mean. I think I used to have a pretty good idea of who I was but now I dont know how to be anything anymore. My head is so jumbled with noise I can't even try to think through it logically. I couldn't describe myself if I had to anymore. I just don't know how to go about building a personality again. It seems so weird to have to think about... What am i like? Who am I? What kind of person am I? What kind of things do I say? Ive isolated myself from so many people for so long I actually get overwhelmed by any conversations because I just dont know who I am enough to know how to respond. It sounds over exaggerated and like im overthinking it but I really feel like this hollow body that just has nothing in it.", "Lack of identity keeps me constantly off balance Does anyone else feel like they're a different person having a different experience every day? I feel like i drive home at the end of the day totally disoriented because none of the feelings or conversations or thoughts i had were consistent with the day before. It's like I'm always on some new tangent or focusing on something new or coming up with some idea to help myself that i don't follow through with. \n\nI just feel untethered.... I'm floating with no baseline. It's really exhausting. ", "Identity Crisis (help) I am looking for some advice regarding the identity crisis I am facing right now. \n\nI had a triggering event about two weeks ago and ever since then I have been going downhill and have not felt like myself. I feel like an imposter of some sort. \n\nThings at work have been going downhill, I feel myself getting walked on by everyone. I am paranoid, having trust issues, rage etc\n\n\nAny advice regarding feelings of losing your identity would appreciated \n\nThanks in advance" ], "top_scores": [ 18.63922119140625, 18.292387008666992, 16.60993003845215, 16.154115676879883, 15.524529457092285 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of a fragmented or unstable sense of self and identity confusion.", "pearson_r": 0.6579191937988826, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4863, "freq": 0.03545841199081129, "mean_pos": 4.109071731567383, "max_act": 12.511000633239746, "log_density": -1.4502807059814926, "top_texts": [ "Asking someone about their day when you don’t care. It sounds brutal and I know it’s to be nice but if you don’t care what is the point? I’d rather someone ask me if they were willing to listen and I’d rather ask someone if I’m willing to listen. Anything else is a waste of time imo and it’s tiring. I’ll still continue to do it though bc for some reason pretending to care is better for everyone than not. Will never understand why we have to perform so much.", "Are you ok? I truly feel that I am the only person to ask this question and truly care about the answer. I listen to peoples struggles constantly and gladly genuinely listen and offer advice. When I legit tell these same people, \"I'm not OK right now,\" it is like a fart in the breeze. Like it never happened. I can't figure out if my shit is too heavy or my fake smile is that good, but for whatever reason, I haven't had someone ask me that question and mean it in a long time.", "When someone asks me an inappropriate question, I usually respond by saying 'what do you mean?' Gives them a chance to reflect on it. If they keep pushing, I go 'I don't tell people that kind of stuff'", "I will literally kill the next person who asks that question.", "I hate the pronoun question. I mean I've only been asked once or twice I think, while I was transitioning. I didn't like it then but it would make me feel even more weird if someone asked me now. Are people still trying to push to make it a \"normal thing\" to ask everyone's pronouns?" ], "top_scores": [ 12.511000633239746, 12.447076797485352, 12.221861839294434, 12.221796035766602, 12.19942569732666 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents frustration and resentment regarding the perceived insincerity or intrusiveness of social inquiries and interpersonal communication.", "pearson_r": -0.3893805987383738, "pred_f1": 0.13333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4210, "freq": 0.03486705938544818, "mean_pos": 4.163864612579346, "max_act": 13.653338432312012, "log_density": -1.4575846661082306, "top_texts": [ "Traveling w adhd medicine? Hi,\n\n\n\n\nI really want to get out of my current living situation. I’ve taught overseas before and want to again, but this was prior to my diagnosis (I was diagnosed at 29). I know that some countries ban stimulants, so I was wondering if anyone had any experience living abroad and getting their adhd medicine.\n\n\n\n\nAlso, if I stay in the us and travel, I don’t know how to get my meds if I’m not in my home state. My insurance will only fill 1 month at a time for controlled substances. Idk if I can get my script delivered from a website? Idk.\n\n\n\n\nI feel better on my medicine but don’t want to be held back. But I’m non-functional without it", "Never did I think this would happen. The past two years I have been in the best headspace I have ever been in regards to my mental health overall... I got a good job, accepted into university, found myself and became independant.\n\nI had been accepted to study abroad for a semester which has always been a dream of mine to travel to this particular country.. even better I've been able to live here for 3 months instead of having a short visit. \n\nUmm...... since arriving I have been overcome with depression + insomnia and have barely attended classes at all.... I had other issues in the past that have sparked up since being here. \nNow I only have 1 month left and this feeling has stuck with me consistently. Safe to say ruining my whole experience. \n\nNot only has this \"life changing\" experience been the complete opposite of what I envisioned and hoped. I am completely aware that my depression will be an ongoing battle forever... before arriving here I thought I had overcome my depression due to my progress in the last two years. \nWeird how I was doing so good back home and since being here everything is turned upside down for no reason I can truly identify. \n\nNow I assumed It could have been because I'm in a unfamiliar place, not close to loved ones, missing home etc. But to be honest coming overseas was perfect timing as back home I was frustrated and ready to get away and continue to improve my life. \n\nIt's been a rude awakening and I'm still unsure why this could be occurring when I was wanting and looking forward to the change.. and not necessarily missing home. \n\nI have 3 papers due in 3 weeks. I havent been able to concentrate and even begin.\nMy family are expecting me to excel while here and I'm ashamed of how I have deteriorated since being here.\n\nI am active, I know how to combat my depression in ways but its lingering like the m****** f******* it is.\n\nI'm disappointed in myself and know I have wasted an opportunity of a lifetime. \n\ntldr: a lifetime experience + opportunity has turned out to be nothing like I thought due to being struck by recuring bouts of depression for no identifiable reason.", "Advice on taking medication outside of UK for work. Hi, I'm in my first job and may have the opportunity to work abroad in the coming years. I'm based in the UK and I'm on Concerta 54mg. \n\nIs there anywhere I can find guidance on how to prepare to work in specific countries? Are there many countries in which taking prescribed medication is illegal?\n\nThanks!", "I've traveled a lot and also was an expat for more than a decade. I have generally enjoyed traveling, and found it to be beneficial. There are a few pointers I would like to offer which may help ensure that you have a good time.\n\n1. Make sure that your visas are in order and that you pay attention to when they expire. The same goes for flights, trains and buses. Making sure that all of that goes as smoothly as possible will save you unnecessary stress.\n\n2. Make sure that you have more than enough money. It's better to bring some home than to have to deal with the stress of running out of funds.\n\n3. Make sure that you carry your meds in your carry-on bag. Make sure that you have enough for your entire trip or that you can easily get more when you need them. Note: some countries will hassle you for bringing in meds. In others, you can buy your meds over the counter. As with the points above - research and prepare before you go, so you can enjoy a stress free vacation.\n\n4. Be careful about buying and using recreational drugs: depending on where you go, tourists are seen as easy marks by both dealers and cops. I'm not saying *don't use recreational drugs*. Just be careful.\n\n5. Expect things to go wrong. When they do, keep your cool as much as possible. This is especially true in cultures where emotional displays are frowned upon. Losing your temper in Asia will only result in your *not* getting what you want. It's not enough to *act* relaxed. Try to actually *stay* relaxed. Being on vacation can help with that, but always keep a little radical acceptance in your pocket.\n\n6. Spend more time in fewer places. Airports, train stations etc are basically identical worldwide, and I find that being on the road itself combines stress and boredom -- a lovely pair for anybody, but for someone with BPD it can be awful.\n\nIf you want specific suggestions/advice about any of the following countries, feel free to ask.\n\nPhilippines\nVietnam\nThailand\nCambodia\nSouth Korea\nUSA\n\nHave a wonderful time!", "I'm a psychiatrist and also working in the UK on a Skilled Worker Visa. I'll just say this. Your problems won't magically disappear by moving to a new country. Sometimes we set up fantasies for ourselves and that conveniently stops us from fixing problems in the here and now. I think you need to invest in treatment (medication AND lots of therapy) and then re-evaluate what you really want in life." ], "top_scores": [ 13.653338432312012, 12.787605285644531, 12.684590339660645, 12.555996894836426, 11.896125793457031 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of mental health management, specifically medication or stability, with the logistical and psychological challenges of international relocation or travel.", "pearson_r": 0.5569865818110674, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 828, "freq": 0.02779357245206632, "mean_pos": 5.172282695770264, "max_act": 17.798233032226562, "log_density": -1.5560556118860784, "top_texts": [ "Had the same situation with my daughter when she was born and felt equally awful. I promise you’ll feel better about it in a few months, once you see how important you are to your baby compared to others. It’s barely something I even think about now. Fed is best!!", "I am so sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice but I do hope it gets better for you. That sounds like way too much for someone to be dealing with on top of having a baby.", "It’s postpartum feelings! Absolutely! I have a friend who got this way after the birth of her second recently, only was the opposite, she basically couldn’t stand the newborn and only wanted to be around her first child. It was hormones and she got over it. So will you. Congratulations on the new baby! Two months is still very new!", "KEEP YOUR BABY!!! They are loved and wanted by you. Everything else will fall into place. Best of luck ❤️", "Childbirth is hard mentally, emotionally and physically. I'm not an expert, but it wouldn't be out of the question to check how tired she is feeling. I mean, is she having a hard time keeping herself clean or sleeping? Depression after birth is a thing." ], "top_scores": [ 17.798233032226562, 16.082910537719727, 15.875765800476074, 15.267951011657715, 15.1142578125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents postpartum mental health struggles and maternal support.", "pearson_r": 0.49731138332777164, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4013, "freq": 0.029476652944253643, "mean_pos": 4.8133320808410645, "max_act": 18.505685806274414, "log_density": -1.5305218171502484, "top_texts": [ "I'm in the US and it's always been my understanding that disability is pretty difficult to get here. I'm honestly at a point where it feels like the only option but I know it doesn't pay enough for even basic expenses like rent so it almost seems like a waste of time to try.", "none are able to as of this moment.\nthanks for the suggestion thought btw! I can look up disabilities benefits in my area", "I'm in my early 30s and on disability. I've all but given up on ever working again.", "I hate to give your ex any ammo, technically per the government of Canada at least, I think it can be considered a disability. But I have it. And like the other poster said. Nothing wrong with that", "Saying it as if getting the disability in the first place is some easy thing smh" ], "top_scores": [ 18.505685806274414, 17.657197952270508, 17.28400993347168, 17.188804626464844, 16.788936614990234 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the systemic and personal challenges associated with navigating government disability benefits and status.", "pearson_r": 0.3299984002886406, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1521, "freq": 0.0334341665339914, "mean_pos": 4.228669166564941, "max_act": 18.089746475219727, "log_density": -1.475809485680613, "top_texts": [ "My room is such a mess I've been on meds for about 3 - 4 weeks now and I finally have energy to actually do anything after work, and I've been wanting to clean my room but I just don't know where to start. It's honestly disgusting. Dishes piled up, clothes, shoes and bags all over the floor, empty food packages.\n\nThe only space that I can use in my room is my bed, which is where I spend 99% of the time I'm at home. I seriously don't know where to start. Does anyone have any tips? :(", "How can I avoid making my house a mess 24/7 My house is constantly a mess. My biggest problem is that I start using something and move on to something else and basically just throw anything I’m using on the ground or to the side without even noticing until I see that things are EVERYWHERE. I move too fast and things get messy soooo quickly! \n\nWhen I do finally get around to cleaning, the house is spotless, but it gets messy in less than 24 hours. \n\nAnyone have any actually beneficial tips/tricks/hacks to help my house not look like it’s been hit by a tornado everyday?", "My main 2 are big 30 and 60l bins of stuff, like old bags, desk drawer organiser's, marbles, a labeller, special soaps I've been collecting and keeping since i was a teenager, most of my uni documents and the list of stuff goes on, but I atleast know what is in them, and I've already thrown out so much stuff ( I did a dump run recently and threw out 2 car loads of stuff, that I was willing to give up) so keeping these things doesn't seem so bad. I still cried while letting go of it all, but knew I had to, and I threw out things I'd had stored in boxes for probably atleast half a decade or longer.", "I invented an ADHD friendly cleaning strategy! 1. Get some paper and a pen, turn on some great music (optional).\n2. Choose which room/section you want to tidy up.\n3. Write down specific objects that need to be put away (super important - not ‘kitchen, bathroom...’ but more like ‘socks on sofa, dog toys on the floor, towel on the chair, papers next to computer, wrapper on the floor’).\n4. Put away each thing on the list, every time you put it away, look at the list for the next one.\n5. Enjoy being able to tidy up your house without your parents screaming at you for getting distracted again!\n\nHope this helps someone :)", "A quick guide to cleaning your house without getting distracted/ overwhelmed. Hey everyone! I thought I would share with your guys the only method that literally works for my adhd brain.\n\nIt’s called the inch by inch method. You start in the messiest room and go right to left. You throw trash in the trash bag. Out of place items in the bin, and dirty laundry in the laundry basket. \n\nThe biggest thing to remember is KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND, start from where you are and keep moving around the room. Or else you’ll get distracted and be running around from room to room hyper focusing on god knows what.\n\nHelpful hint: set a timer for 15-30 minutes for each room and move on to the next room as soon as it goes off! \n\nStep 1. G A T H E R M A T E R I A L S\n• Trash bag \n• A bin or container \n• Laundry basket\n• A bomb ass playlist\n\nStep 2. START IN MESSIEST ROOM\n• Grab your materials\n• Set timer \n• Get cleaning \n\nSTEP 3: COMPLETE ALL ROOMS\n•Bring your trash to the trash can \n•Return the items from your bin or container to the room it belongs to\n•Bring dirty laundry to the laundry room\n\nThis is just a quick way to declutter and make your house or room look less messy." ], "top_scores": [ 18.089746475219727, 17.258806228637695, 15.923201560974121, 15.720623970031738, 15.344712257385254 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with executive dysfunction and the practical management of household clutter.", "pearson_r": 0.6386700868921518, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9961, "freq": 0.0433506948393113, "mean_pos": 3.1723904609680176, "max_act": 9.539716720581055, "log_density": -1.3630039270978558, "top_texts": [ "I moved out of our family home and in with my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. Since then we’d speak a bit over text, mainly for each others birthdays. Last time we spoke via text was about three months ago. I asked Eva if she wanted tickets to a concert for a band that we both really like and had seen in concert together before. She said yeah, but was less than enthusiastic when I gave her the ticket a week later when I went to visit.", "We were living together and life was pretty sweet. But she's my ex for a reason, right? In any case, the last two years after college got rough eventually. We were both working and things just piled up in the worst possible way. We didn't agree on how to take care of a pet.", "Used to be obsessed with certain tv shows, but not anymore. Haven't watched anything new for the past 3 years cause i am not interested in anything anymore", "Not even a hundred years ago. The last lobotomy was performed in 1967 in the US and even later in other countries.", "I use to, when I was younger, but then my life literally got put through the wringer, and now I’m like you know what………do yo thang man, whatever that is. Cause this world hard enough, shooot" ], "top_scores": [ 9.539716720581055, 8.531514167785645, 8.286516189575195, 7.792435169219971, 7.437380313873291 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the reflection on long-term personal change and the loss of past interests or relationships over time.", "pearson_r": 0.1636882750483314, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7011, "freq": 0.02542816203061387, "mean_pos": 5.390199184417725, "max_act": 17.701032638549805, "log_density": -1.5946850127886543, "top_texts": [ "Advice for overcoming driving PTSD? Hello guys, \n\nSoo 3 years ago i was involved in a car crash with my best friend next to me in the car, a huge truck smashed us off the road one night and gave total damage to the car, we lost consciousness a few seconds but we got out the car alive and with a few scratches. However since then i am unable to drive the car off the parking spot without another driver next to me in the car.. when i try to drive alone I start getting hardcore panic attacks and my legs start shaking really hard and stop responding all together.. its getting in the way of my day to day life not being able to drive myself and I really don’t know what to do anymore. \nAny advice is appreciated!", "PTSD after a car accident? I'm sure this gets posted a lot and I'm certain that this is nothing as extreme in comparison to the typical situations on here, but here it goes: \n\nI own a business that requires I drive anywhere from 50 to 150 miles a day. I spend quite a bit of time on the road. Well around a year and a half ago I had a car cross over a double yellow right into me head on. I have a decent sized truck, they were in a small compact car. My truck was repaired from the accident and returned to me.\n\nFlash forward about two months later, I'm driving home from work and the wheel comes off my truck. Turns out when they were putting everything back together from the accident they didn't attach a part tightly enough (the carrier bolt on upper control arm for you car people).\n\nThey fixed it, but ever since then I haven't been able the drive the same. I've taken my truck into the shop once a month for every small noise and rattle for the last year and a half. I've had the suspension rebuilt twice. Had my truck checked by a dozen mechanics, all telling me it looks pristine. But once I get on the highway I always am going at least 10-15 under the speed limit, white knuckle driving. \n\nI don't fear other cars on the road, or even my truck specifically, just whatever car I'm driving. I've driven at least 40,000 miles a year for the last decade, but now I feel like I can't trust whatever car I drive.", "Car accident I was in a terrible car accident a few weeks ago. I was the one driving and it was a complete accident. I hit some ice. When I was hurling toward the wall though I couldn’t help but feel calm like this was how I was going to die. I didn’t though, and ever since I feel like I should have - like I wish I would have. ", "I have been thinking about this so much lately. I hate driving. I have to constantly tell myself I am in control of the car; this isnt a screen, tv, or videogame; the car is not driving itself. if something happens I have to react, if I dont realize this is real something very bad could happen. but it’s so hard so shake the feeling and half the time it’s hard to even feel scared enough to believe any of this. but I constantly swerve and almost get in accidents regularly. on top of that I am schizotypal so i see shadows that i think are cars when there is no car, or lights that distract me and it really distorts my sense of reality. i hate it so much. I wish i never had to drive again. I cant wait until the future when we have self-driving cars or at least to have a car with lane assist", "Can’t trust myself to drive I recently got my license at 23, very late for a lot of reasons, and I am absolutely filled with anxiety about it but more than anything I do not feel like I can trust myself to drive a car because as soon as I have a bad day what’s to stop myself from driving off of a cliff? My impulse control is not good enough to have something with so much potential to harm. But driving is important and you really can’t live without it where I live. This causes me to have very unbalanced relationships where my boyfriend has to drive me everywhere and ends up messing up the power dynamic in addition to all the other horrors of having a relationship while BPD. \n\nI’m afraid to drive a car on my own because I fear that I will give in to my suicidal impulses and crash the car on purpose. " ], "top_scores": [ 17.701032638549805, 17.253646850585938, 16.858135223388672, 16.70188331604004, 16.525503158569336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents anxiety and psychological distress specifically related to the act of driving or trauma from car accidents.", "pearson_r": 0.441726104299386, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 705, "freq": 0.031478154070098026, "mean_pos": 4.344237804412842, "max_act": 15.523626327514648, "log_density": -1.5019907295008965, "top_texts": [ "I'm essentially your same build. I started with 12.5 mg every 6 hours (3x per day). Once you see how your body reacts, you can adjust your dosage. ", "why on earth would she start that high. the average is 7.5-10mg twice a day starting and for some even 2.5-5mg twice a day. i’ve been on this a month and just got to 15mg twice a day today", "i started on 10mg twice a day last week and it’s been okay for me so far.", "Strattera dosing methods? A week ago I started on 40 mg of Strattera. I felt like towards the end of the week that the benefits were wearing off. So my doctor gave me the option of taking 80 mg in the morning or 40 mg twice a day.. I'm not sure what the differences in those methods would be though. Does anyone have any experience with this and could tell me what personal difference they noticed when doing each method? I've wore Google out searching for personal opinions and found nothing.", "That’s the thing, it’s only been a week. 300mg three times daily." ], "top_scores": [ 15.523626327514648, 14.657522201538086, 14.1730375289917, 13.823748588562012, 13.56116008758545 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of specific medication dosage, frequency, and titration schedules.", "pearson_r": 0.4602729942651887, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9734, "freq": 0.033911797484476994, "mean_pos": 4.0309343338012695, "max_act": 15.002325057983398, "log_density": -1.4696491771587457, "top_texts": [ "I'm not afraid that my kids would hate me. I had enough abusive grandparents, aunts and uncles to see how pathetically grateful their abused children were for even the smallest crumb of affection for them, so I know it's not actually difficult to get a child to love you when you're the biggest influence in that child's life. You have to fuck up really badly to turn them against you. I'm pretty sure I could raise a child without fucking up *that* badly. But I don't want children, and I have enough respect for them to think they deserve to be wanted. I also have enough respect not to drag them into existence just so that I *might* get a free caregiver when I'm old. Having kids as a weird form of indentured servitude deserves their hatred.", "No, I do want to raise kids but I will search the crap out of the downer dna, or I will adopt. My kids will not suffer from my hereditary diseases if I have a say in it and I do. I will not bring kids to this world to suffer. They deserve better.", "I also want children for my own selfish desires. I want to experience being pregnant and raising a child the way I should have been bought up. I want to give a child the life and love I never got. And bring another good one into the world to help balance out all the assholes out there. If good people stopped having kids the world would be overrun by the bad and humanity wouldn't survive.", "Even though I love children, I definitely will never be having them. For one thing, I am not physically or mentally healthy enough to be a decent mother. There's also the fact that my illnesses might well be hereditary.\n\nBut even more than that, I'd never feel safe again knowing that something absolutely horrifying could happen to my child at any time and I may not have the power to prevent it.", "i personally wouldn’t want kids, because seeing them grow up to be like me would be one of the worst things i could imagine. i saw my parents fuck up first hand and i would want to be sure to be at least a decent parent. i can’t talk for your so, but i wouldn’t want to live with having raised someone who wishes he/she wasn’t born." ], "top_scores": [ 15.002325057983398, 13.976937294006348, 13.252787590026855, 13.251235008239746, 12.842098236083984 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal conflict and decision-making process regarding the choice to have or avoid having children due to concerns about hereditary trauma, mental health, or parenting capability.", "pearson_r": 0.5275893435844943, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1804, "freq": 0.0401892328337162, "mean_pos": 3.396463394165039, "max_act": 12.80319881439209, "log_density": -1.3958902731053262, "top_texts": [ "(Don't actually read this, it was meant to be a post, but I got sad and it turned out into a random absurd vent) (yes I still posted it, I don't know why either)", "I’m about to fucking explode There’s no real reason. There’s no real purpose for this. There isn’t even a purpose to this fucking post and I’ll probably delete it within the hour so idk why I’m posting. I feel just about ready to lose my shit.", "also sorry for the vent, i hope you are doing okay, its always nice to see you posting on here<3", "I do this on occasion as well; I'll write something and be ready to post it and then I'm hit by the \"meh, whatever\" like a tidal wave.", "thank you for relating :) i have therapists and such, and am working through it, so i guess it was more of a venting post than anything" ], "top_scores": [ 12.80319881439209, 10.201704025268555, 9.745851516723633, 9.605948448181152, 9.024861335754395 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the meta-cognitive awareness of the act of venting and the self-conscious uncertainty regarding the purpose or validity of posting.", "pearson_r": 0.6972764715599663, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1012, "freq": 0.02449564446061819, "mean_pos": 5.514770984649658, "max_act": 19.001590728759766, "log_density": -1.6109111123908915, "top_texts": [ "Ps: Isn't wonderful how games can make us feel when we're dealing with mental illnesses?", "Life is punishing enough. I play games to escape that so a game that punishes me to an extreme is no-go for me now.", "I don't even play any games because I feel too incompetant at them. I have never played a single game, video or tabletop, in years. ", "I’ve been trying to play video games for almost a decade. I succeed a grand total of 6 times(??), I sit for a few seconds, I see one obstacle, I realise I am physically and mentally tired then tell myself I’ll play later once I’m rested. I never am. My last war console is a Switch and I was so excited for it and looked up all the games I planned on buying. So far, I’ve used it once. Every single little thing requires a mental effort I can’t afford to make. Prior to that, there was a controller I meant to buy, I kept telling myself I’ll wake up really early one day, have a mega breakfast then spend the whole day gaming and catch up on everything. \nI know it’s not fatal, a part of me feels like ‘oh poor me not playing games, it’s just as bad as word hunger or war’, but I’d be lying if I said I am so damn tired and don’t want to do this much longer. \nI am unable to do anything that once brought me joy because my brain feels frozen and tense, and it makes things worse because I have no social life. No sex life, and no career. I am currently in my twenties and I’ve been on meds for two separate periods of my life. I am not currently on anything except for alcohol. And I can feel an addiction brewing. This disease doesn’t get the high threat level is deserves. \nI. Am. Tired.", "Hope you find something to play. Gaming is a great hobby but when you get into these little ruts it’s a pain in the ass." ], "top_scores": [ 19.001590728759766, 18.336946487426758, 18.302738189697266, 17.73653221130371, 17.714168548583984 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the intersection of video gaming as a coping mechanism or source of frustration for individuals struggling with mental health challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.3470463341397724, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2129, "freq": 0.033593376850819937, "mean_pos": 4.000124454498291, "max_act": 15.059377670288086, "log_density": -1.4737463251784013, "top_texts": [ "Checking the time too often I feel like I’ve lost my grasp on time and I need to check the clock very often. I get sad to see the time pasts by so fast everyday, and hours just fly by. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m not using my time wisely.\n\nSometimes I have very vivid memories that feel like it happened like 4 days ago, but when I find out that it was actually 2 weeks ago it scares me. \n\nI think it got worse after seeing a chart with little circles representing the weeks in our lives. And it just made me realize how short life actually is. And weeks just seem to pass by so quick.", "Yea no just based on my anecdotal experience in life that's bs. But also there's literally no science that would say this. Perception of time is a very complex subject and there are a lot of factors in it, from life experiences, traumas, stimulus, lifestyle, genetics, health conditions, immediate and extended environments, etc. Time perception will be vastly different for a US army vet with PTSD in retirement, and an Eastern European farmer.", "Time seems to pass differently when I'm depressed Is it just me or does time seem to pass differently when you're depressed? On those real bad days time seems to stand still especially when hubby is at work. I am home with the kids but I feel so alone until he comes home and I sleep or zone out on TV just to pass the time. it's almost painful. anyone else feel this way?", "The ability to stop time, for sure. Anxious in a social situation? Freeze time to collect yourself or just walk out of there without anyone noticing. Horrible sleeping patterns (my personal plague)? Freeze time to sleep however long you wish. Those would probably be the main two uses for me. The main worry is aging at an accelerated rate if I overdid it, just on behalf of myself aging while nobody else does.", "I've lost track of time Has this happened to anyone else? \nI feel like time is moving very weirdly. I know the hour and date because of my job but I don't seem to have much of a recollection of the time between events. \nSomething that happened a week ago feels like it happened a month ago. \nA week almost feels like a month and a month feels so long. \n\nDoes anyone else feel like this or is it just me?\nI've been feeling a lot more depressed recently so I just thought it might have something to do with it." ], "top_scores": [ 15.059377670288086, 14.603759765625, 14.289946556091309, 13.702746391296387, 13.191877365112305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective distortion or altered perception of time associated with psychological distress.", "pearson_r": -0.09397972345149577, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2048, "freq": 0.03984806786908363, "mean_pos": 3.361004590988159, "max_act": 10.91828727722168, "log_density": -1.3995927206875094, "top_texts": [ "I would say I’m fairly attractive but not the most attractive. I admittedly am a bit awkward but can act confident.", "Admitting I’ve had work done or having work done? That’s your opinion but it really didn’t lessen my confidence or give me overall insecurity when I had my previous nose. I was beautiful regardless. Some people feel beautiful from the inside and the outside doesn’t really matter to their own feelings of themself. Iykyk", "I seriously wish I was attractive. I was with a group of friends last night, and another friend started talking to another friend about how many girls secretly liked him and stuff. It was crazy, because no one has ever talked to me about things like that. Then, on the way to the pub, a group of girls basically called me unattractive. Funny how girls are never shy about calling me ugly, but they're apparently too shy to \"approach me\". I never get signals, I've had shit luck on dating sites, no one ever approaches me, no one has ever had a crush on me, and my family are the only people that call me handsome. Nothing tells me that I'm ugly based on how girls treat me versus how they treat other guys.\n\nYes. I lift and dress well, too. ", "I feel so ugly. I've never told about this to anyone, but I just wanted to get it off my chest.\nSince I was young, I've never cared about appearance. I knew I wasn't pretty, but I didn't care. This started to change when I went to middle school. I had many times where boys criticized my appearance in different ways. Three guys straight up told me I'm ugly. A girl asked a guy if I was pretty and said no. Then she asked if he thinks she's (herself) pretty and when he said yes, she was so happy. A guy grabbed and covered my slanted eyes and said I'd look prettier like this and a girl laughed at me. (I'm an asian living in a foreign country by the way). Years later, I went to an international high school. A girl said I was pretty and I was so grateful cause it was something I really needed to hear at that time. But another girl heard that and followed me to the lockers and she told me to look at her. Then she made an expression of \"you telling me this ugly girl is pretty?\" And just went back to the classroom. Another girl straight up told me I'm ugly, so I got angry and told her that she was ugly too. She made a face of \" who do you think you are to tell me I'm ugly?\" (These high school girls are asian).\n\nI'm just tired to hear these stuff. I mean... they don't gain anything in return.. so why always me? All this destroyed my confidence. All these happened years ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. I distract myself not to remember, but it's useless. It's so stressful. I even vividly remember the exact scenes inside my head and it's toturing me..", "Yeah, not wrong. I don’t find arrogance as attractive as most girls do, but maybe it’s because I’m kind of prone to arrogance myself." ], "top_scores": [ 10.91828727722168, 10.03950309753418, 9.710813522338867, 9.262616157531738, 8.953971862792969 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents self-perception and emotional distress related to physical appearance and attractiveness.", "pearson_r": 0.5980142865493969, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8185, "freq": 0.02083380717356199, "mean_pos": 6.372935771942139, "max_act": 19.431936264038086, "log_density": -1.681231338904819, "top_texts": [ "ADD Meds Without Weight Loss I'm going back to school and I need to see if there are meds that won't cause drastic weight loss because I'm trying to gain weight. I've only had methylphenidate and if someone knows of something better please let me know😄", "The weight is definitely something to work on more for your health than anything else. I was 192kg at my highest and ended up getting weight loss surgery. I got down to 168kg and still haven’t had any sort of truly meaningful relationship. Strangely, the closest was when I was closer to my 192kg but she actually didn’t like me losing weight.", "I've lost some weight on Rexulti, probably because I would stress eat like crazy before I was diagnosed - no meds and obviously psychosis is going to stress someone out.\n\n2GAs are known to cause some weight gain in some people but if they help treat the reason someone's overeating in the first place that can be a positive.\n\nI've lost about 10 pounds and I've found that the final 10 pounds are much more difficult to lose. I ordered some appetite suppressant to see if it works. The ingredients don't look like they interact with my meds and I'm going to start slow to make sure it doesn't make any symptoms worse.\n\nEdit: Going to use some appetite suppressant combined with a better diet and a good amount of exercise, that is.", "And yup that solidifies it. I refuse to gain back what I lost. Mostly because I'm finally in a 'healthy' weight range but also THIS 😰", "Olanzapine (Zyprexa) weight gain is anyone in here on Zyprexa and noticed they gained a fuck ton of weight and have any advice for keeping it off? i went from being rail thin my whole life (5’4 and 90 lbs) to being like 140 virtually overnight and it’s seriously fucking with my self image" ], "top_scores": [ 19.431936264038086, 17.95948028564453, 17.074039459228516, 16.998489379882812, 16.991493225097656 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents concerns regarding medication-induced weight changes and their impact on body image and physical health.", "pearson_r": 0.2208092028127597, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2899, "freq": 0.034548638751791115, "mean_pos": 3.834773540496826, "max_act": 18.53647804260254, "log_density": -1.46156904698502, "top_texts": [ "Abandonment issues When you do things to prevent people from leaving you do you do it because you can't read them or know them well enough to know where they stand or because you are afraid they will find someone better? Legit question.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nWhat are the main, rational reasons you fear people will abandon you?", "Fear of abandonment is at it's highest I'm involved with someone I really like. A couple of days ago we had a disagreement and since then, I've felt as if the person has gone off me. I am analysing every message, every response time. \n\nShe's said she'll hang out with me tomorrow, and I'm sure she wouldn't do that if she didn't like me anymore but that isn't enough to calm these stupid thoughts down.\n\nI feel as if eventually she'll leave me, and I am constantly in a state of panic over this, internally. \n\nI've been hurt and dumped so many times that I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen again, and I feel like it would be because of something I've done :(", "Why am I always getting abandoned? I've literally been unable to make new friends or even a significant other because everyone keeps abandoning me. The worst part is when you form an emotional connection between someone and then they just leave like you don't matter anymore.\n\nHow can people just do that? I'm literally incapable of comprehending such a thing, like I don't know how it works. I guess I was meant to be alone in this world.\n\nI'm probably the softest benevolent person you could come across and im not even ugly (maybe I'm being biased). Since nothing seems to be working out and it's all one sided, I've already started planning my exit in a couple months. Maybe I can find some friends on here but idk...I won't hold my breath.", "How to cope with fear of abandonment? I hate this. My bf or friends go to sleep or do their things, live their lives, and I just get super worried, anxious and scared and clingy, I fear they're not there anymore and that they hate me. How can I live like this? Even if my bf goes to sleep earlier than me I get this feeling in my gut that I'm alone in the world.", "I also have had many people I've been dependent on, so I can talk more about that, those feelings and behaviors/fear of abandonment if you want me to." ], "top_scores": [ 18.53647804260254, 16.628223419189453, 16.268171310424805, 15.984790802001953, 15.924461364746094 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological experience of abandonment anxiety and the associated fear of interpersonal rejection.", "pearson_r": 0.5318052164771491, "pred_f1": 0.72 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7100, "freq": 0.03368435417472195, "mean_pos": 3.8437421321868896, "max_act": 12.957254409790039, "log_density": -1.4725717620040593, "top_texts": [ "Relationships Anyone have the tendency to overthink and overthink until you make up your own issues in your mind? and ending up upset/mad at you s/o??\nAnd what do you do to stop spiraling??", "how to stop overanalyzing social situations/relationships? (Anxiety) i've been reclusive for all of last year (i was 19), and 2 months ago \"resurfaced\" and began getting back in touch with old friends and hanging out. i'm with friends a lot but i don't know how to navigate the social stratosphere anymore\n\ni'm so anxious, and i worry, and i overthink about literally everything. does he want me here, would they have had a better time if i left, did i say the wrong thing, when he said \"you're a weird guy but in a good way\" did he really mean it, were they waiting for me to leave\n\nfor example on v-day i went to a party to a girl i've been taking out on dates and she kissed me (not the first time). i was drunk as shit (not drinking anymore after that night) and called an uber, when it pulled up i asked if her and i could make out before i left. she said no and i spent a good deal of time yesterday overthinking about if she was mad at me or if i made an ass of myself, and asking my friend who was there with me about it. she wants me to come over to her apartment alone for the first time, so turns that one was all in my head.\n\nit's... it's just hard. i don't know how to separate what's in my head vs. what's really an issue. i don't know what's appropriate conduct and what's not. i don't know what fucking natural human behavior feels like.\n\nhow do i stop this?", "why do I overthink over everything? Every time something small happens, I tend to overthink and it consumes my thoughts so much. It’s like I would spend an hour thinking if I have misspelled some word in an exam, and another hour thinking about what my teacher meant. \n\nit’s like my brain can’t shut up but I want it to shut up. I feel so overwhelmed and I’m so afraid of messing things up. whenever I’m doing something else, I’ll still be thinking of that certain thing and I just have no energy left.", "Overthinking is part of me since the earliest ages and I just realized this recently. From my beginnings, I really suffer from thinking too much, and acting too few. Lack of interpersonal relationships, academic failure, and so on, was, and is, a constant in my life. Overthinking is the inability to resolve our own problems, and absolutely anybody should be born with this.", "Omfg. Me too!! 😭 that honestly goes for my entire existence at this point. I question and over-analyze sooo much. I'm fucking exhausted." ], "top_scores": [ 12.957254409790039, 12.928058624267578, 12.392566680908203, 12.136713981628418, 11.326891899108887 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive pattern of chronic overthinking and ruminative analysis of social interactions and personal concerns.", "pearson_r": 0.5487818368211349, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4394, "freq": 0.029476652944253643, "mean_pos": 4.38726806640625, "max_act": 16.00847816467285, "log_density": -1.5305218171502484, "top_texts": [ "Normal people Normal people feel joy, normal people have love, normal people care about graduating, normal people care about school, normal people care about doing good things, normal people have talents and passions, normal people can attract the opposite sex, normal people have good relationships with their families, normal people are applying for college and uni right now. normal people dont ruin Christmas 2 years in a row. I am not normal people, please someone kill me.", "I am not normal, you are not normal OP and we shouldn't try to be normal. It's boring anyways... ", "As for how to be normal, I’m not sure. I’m still trying to figure it out. It’s become easier now that I only come to visit and don’t live here, as I can fake normal functioning until I leave.", "You might not be normal, but that's not inherently bad. I'm sure that sounds absurd, because normal has this connotation of \"all is good, nothing wrong here\" so abnormal, or weird, would imply the opposite, but I don't think that's necessarily true.\n\nFor a long time that's all I wanted as well. But no matter the techniques I learned for coping with social situations, no matter how effectively I thought myself able to blend in with others as just another normal dude, I never achieved that natural fluency in those situations that I envied in others who didn't have to try at all. And beyond that, I realized I wasn't happy being like that. It was like forcing yourself to wear uncomfortable shoes that didn't fit when there's more naturally fitting ones that you don't wear because they might not look as good to outside observers.\n\nI guess what I'm trying to say is that being normal isn't the only option. I live a relatively solitary life now, and yeah my anxieties and social paranoia, as well as stumbling through mundane social encounters weigh on me a lot. But given time to think of what else I wanted to do if I couldn't be normal, the only conclusion I could come to is to go with the flow of abnormal existence instead of constantly fighting against it. So I'm weird. But I'm not doing nearly as bad mentally as I did just a few years ago.", "Eh. I don't think normality exists. Either that or up to this point in my life, I've only ever met crazy people." ], "top_scores": [ 16.00847816467285, 14.124395370483398, 13.51411247253418, 13.232345581054688, 12.757574081420898 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and questioning of \"normality\" as a social benchmark for mental health and human experience.", "pearson_r": 0.2677506171344444, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5577, "freq": 0.024950531080128277, "mean_pos": 5.165411949157715, "max_act": 16.79963493347168, "log_density": -1.6029201884373971, "top_texts": [ "Listening to music about distressing things is hella cathartic to me. Any songs you guys listen to that reminds you of your pathology? Or specific lyrics? Even if it's not how it typically manifests. How do you connect to it?", "Music is therapy (List of songs) A different age - Current Joys\nReborn- Kid Cudi\n2009- Mac Miller \nSing about me/I’m dying of thirst- Kendrick Lamar\nColorado- Kota the friend \nNose bleeds- Kota the friend \nCome back to earth- Mac Miller \nMilk- BROCKHAMPTON\nSunflower- Rex Orange County \nGarden - Lil skies \nAll the stars - Kendrick Lamar/ SZA", "That feeling when you have a part of a song playing over and over in your head... .... is not always bad. I currently have the solo for Time by Pink Floyd playing :)", "Which song(s) depict ADHD really well, according to your personal experiences? Of course I specifically mean, the emotions, the struggles, the general experiences of living with ADHD. \nI'm curious if there's music out there for you that you can really relate to when it comes to this. \n\n\nI'm currently working on an EP to get my Bachelor's degree in music, where I create several tracks that depict several 'mental health issues' to put it like that... \nI want to cover ADHD as well. \n\n\nRevisiting it, Awolnation's 'Sail' is a pretty good obvious example for me (I have been diagnosed with ADD myself). \n\nIt depicts the struggles in relationships but also using the 'disorder' as a sort of scapegoat. Which I wonder about a lot whether I'm guilty of that or not. (Also, overthinking stuff like that is a part of it...) \n\n\nI'm sure it would be interesting to share your suggestions :) ", "Do you have a song that spoke to you on a deeper level? I came across this one night during some of the worst days in my life so far, and the lyrics spoke to me. Might sound cliche or whatever but idk, maybe it'll help someone else too.\n\nDear Insecurity - Gnash & Ben Abraham\n\nhttps://open.spotify.com/track/08AVKNJ46gnUvr5wVCTrG5?si=nEI66hVaSBKfg9aEn-9f4g\n\n" ], "top_scores": [ 16.79963493347168, 16.79792594909668, 16.702274322509766, 16.688047409057617, 16.297330856323242 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The use of music as a tool for emotional regulation, self-reflection, and coping with mental health experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.5227597806460175, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7639, "freq": 0.027065753860850184, "mean_pos": 4.753513813018799, "max_act": 13.431659698486328, "log_density": -1.5675798559798957, "top_texts": [ "how do I cope with the need to control my environment?????? hi everybody, \n\nI’ve been lurking for quite a while but today my friend confronted me with something and I’m kinda concerned. I was diagnosed with ptsd due to a traumatic hospital stay I experienced and even though it’s already been a year i am just now understanding what that means for my daily life. recently my dissociation has been really bad - and I’ve realized it’s kicked up a lot of feelings about how I felt so out of control. because of this I have found that I often do small things to keep the environment around me in a particular order - and I like to do things in a certain way or I feel like I’m spiraling out of control. \n\nI did not think it was a big problem though until my friend strongly suggested that I might be too controlling for my own good and that apparently I have a “need to control literally everything” around me. ahaha now I’m crying alone in my house freaking out and feeling like such a douche bag for letting it affect my relationships and feel out of control of my ability to control my own control issues (if that makes sense ahah). am I alone in this? is it going to go away? why did her comment hurt me so bad? some coping skills or advice would be appreciated because I feel like I’m drowning teehee ¡", "And the social control because you had to stay with your companion at all times, so you couldn't leave the apartment without your companion. It's all just sickening when I look back at it.", "This makes sense. We crave control, and reliance on a substance for instance means that something else is in charge of how we’re feeling. It probably feels safer not to let that happen, even when it means not trying new things that we might really enjoy. The control aspect of it all is hard to kick. Worrying and preemptive disappointment also help us maintain control of uncertain outcomes.", "I read your edit. It’s none of those that actually control the universe. At least not from my understanding. It’s actually 3 men working in a secret room else where, watching the world on monitors and controlling everything. Typing it out feels ridiculous, especially since no one will believe me, but my mind is convinced of this.", "Constant feeling of loosing control So, everytime Im having a breakdown or when there is a llot happening in my life I have a constant feeling of loosing control which i hate. I hate having the feeling that I cant control what happening and I dont even really know why.\n\nTo \"emulate\" this feeling of being in control I either self-harm or stop eating. There have been times where I stopped eating for 2 or 3 days and it got so bad that a friend had to force me to eat something.\n\nDo you guys know any alternatives to not eating to get a similar feeling of control? " ], "top_scores": [ 13.431659698486328, 13.286438941955566, 12.802434921264648, 12.3793306350708, 12.347600936889648 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological struggle with the need for, loss of, or obsession with personal control.", "pearson_r": 0.4580791141790741, "pred_f1": 0.72 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1669, "freq": 0.01937816999112971, "mean_pos": 6.601363182067871, "max_act": 19.495512008666992, "log_density": -1.7126872162400981, "top_texts": [ "Weed and BPD So before I start I’d like to say I have not been diagnosed with BPD yet however after deep research I have all symptoms and highly believe that I may have it.\n\nAnyway I’m making this post because in my experience smoking weed and having assumed bpd(not trying to self diagnose here so please don’t come for me) don’t really mix well. I guess you could call me a somewhat heavy smoker. I started in my upperclassmen years of high school and it got heavier as time went on. Now I’m smoking at least 1-4 blunts each day. It used to be so fun and made everything so much more enjoyable but now all it does is get me high but the high isn’t what it used to be. I feel very dull when the high wears off and it’s even changing me as a person. I know this is common for most “drugs” but it’s much more intense than that. Like my anxiety goes through the roof, I’ve turned into an introvert when Ive always been very outgoing, I’ll get these really dark depressing thoughts, and in all it just makes me feel/act/think negatively. It’s honestly breaking me down. When I’m sober I have major mood swings and anxiety so you would think weed would help those sort of things but no. It amps it up to 100 and makes me feel all kind of weird.\n\nI’ve tried to quit so many times but I’m never able to stick with it. It’s almost as if I need it and I don’t like that. When I’m sober, even though it can be tougher that way to cope with things, I still feel more like myself and it makes me so happy. But I always end up giving in to the constant urge to smoke. I feel like smoking is one of my main issues I need to cut out as I feel it sorta blurs the lines between how I’m feeling or thinking making it difficult to resolve personal problems that I may have.\n\nJust felt like sharing and wondering if anyone else out there has similar experiences", "ADHD and marijuana? I’ve been smoking regularly for almost 5 years now. I’m thinking about quitting because while it helps with anxiety and sleeping most times, I feel like it makes me scattered brain worse and inhibits my creativity. Does anyone feel this way? Have you quit or do you smoke now? Just wondering how weed affects other Adhd folks.\n\nThank you! ", "Cannabis? Hey. I am a daily weed smoker. What is your experience so far? I use cannabis for insomnia and usually when I feel wrong and it fix my mood, usually for all day.", "I have an questions about weed and schizofrenia So I have a relative (cousin) that have schizofrenia. And I've heard that if you have a relative that has schizofrenia and use weed, that you may trigger schizofrenia to get earlier in life. I don't want to develop schizofrenia. \n\nSo I am thinking about to stop smoking weed. So I have a question to people who think that they may have triggered schizofrenia earlyer in life through drugs like weed. \n\nDid you get paranoia when you smoked weed before you developed schizophrenia. Because I get paranoid all the times i smoke weed. Do you think that, that is a sign of triggerment that I can get schizophrenia earlier in life if I continue to smoke?", "Weed The first few years of smoking weed were fine. They were fun. It’s not addictive they say. You can quit whenever.\n\nIf it’s not addictive, do I smoke for some other reason? Do I smoke to forget? Do I smoke because of all the things that I regret?\n\nI’m not sure if the depression causes me to smoke, or if the smoking caused the depression.\n\nI don’t know if I’m just looking for something to blame for losing everything I loved. Maybe I just can’t accept that I’m weak." ], "top_scores": [ 19.495512008666992, 19.429487228393555, 18.63685417175293, 17.878643035888672, 17.848875045776367 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the intersection of cannabis use and its perceived effects on mental health conditions or symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.47168269238512184, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5313, "freq": 0.02078831851161098, "mean_pos": 6.142802715301514, "max_act": 18.76679039001465, "log_density": -1.6821806167932238, "top_texts": [ "Dreams and nightmares Hey,\n\nBasically, I've been feeling really s!@# for a few years now, mostly related to specific bad events/interactions with people that have caused me severe issues like really low self-esteem, drifting further into introvertedness, very bad mental state and, most importantly, having an almost constant feeling of sadness, anger and every other bad emotion that makes me feel bad physically on the inside as well.\n\nWhat I want to focus on this post here is that I've had loads of nightmares in the recent years, replaying the bad events/interactions or finding myself in new ones with the same people that are just as bad and they feel so realistic, but my biggest issue is that I occasionally get what I would call 'good' dreams as well, where I see my hopes&wishes as a reality. \n\nFor example, today I had a dream about a girl I've been crushing on on&off in the past (but she friendzoned me very firmly) and we were together in that dream. But then I woke up, reality hit me instantly and I felt 1000x times worse than with any of the nightmares. I just don't know what to make of it, I'm in an emotional wreck and it's hard to stay on topic as I want to drift off to all the other bad s\\*\\*\\* that is going on in my life.\n\nI just wanted to know if any of you also get that sort of feeling where the nightmares that are scarring/reminding you for past and present events feel easier than 'good' dreams. And if so, how do you deal with it or cope with it?\n\nThanks.", "They are perhaps different in my life insomuch as the dreams that I generally remember most are anxiety driven nightmares. Even \"fun\" dreams generally have an edge of danger/fear to them. For example, when I'm flying in my dreams I am always worried about falling. Or hitting a power line. And because I worry about it, it usually happens.", "Nightmares I fell into depression while in a relationship. Later, we broke up and now, I keep dreaming of that exact moment. Over and over again. Is there any way to stop nightmares?", "^Pretty much this. If I ever have a gender in my dreams, it's a plot point—that it makes me depressed or something, not just a random attribute.", "I'm only half a year in and have had drinking dreams. They aren't fun. I hated myself in the dream where I drank, then woke up and realised I it was a dream, but the shame of getting drunk in my dream still lingered. They aren't fun and they make sobriety harder. But I thankfully haven't had one in a while now. Hopefully they will get less and less frequent as you get into it. I think for me, being so shameful about it, really helped me see that I don't want to drink and be that person. Which helped cement me in my sobriety." ], "top_scores": [ 18.76679039001465, 18.565021514892578, 18.321434020996094, 17.719152450561523, 17.70221710205078 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the experience of distressing, recurring, or emotionally impactful dreams and nightmares.", "pearson_r": 0.5433053679944329, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2817, "freq": 0.036595628539586506, "mean_pos": 3.4891278743743896, "max_act": 12.480805397033691, "log_density": -1.4365707774519136, "top_texts": [ "She's a villain but not a horrible person. She left Jen alone even with the Darkhold's corruption. She showed mercy to the Salem Seven(even though she joked multiple times about eating/biting children). She's suffered abuse all of her life until she eventually siphoned her mom's power away, and after that there was no going back. We don't know what she was on trial for when she was executed, but I have a feeling she has a heart underneath all that facade.", "he sounds like the new hannibal lecter no doubt, especially how he stabbed his parrot and has dark humor and how he likes gore\n\ni suppose we bumped to a real one", "YES!!! Id rather feel like a monster and villain than a pathetic victims", "On occasion, when I'm reading, seeing, or hearing stories on the news about people like Josef Fritzl or Ted Bundy, for instance, all I can really say is \"this person should be executed\", but internally I fantasize in great detail about their executions, with the methods used becoming more sadistic or inhumane depending on how atrocious their actions were. Then it fades away, staying dormant until next time.", "Simple humans can't understand that the \"bad guys\" from every movie, even the ones with the most plot holes, always have a reason to behave in such a way. Nobody is born evil and evil is not the right term for someone who has gone through so many breaking points in their life. It isn't uncommon for us to somehow relate to these characters portrayed in a bad state, because we understand them, and the more we think about it and dig into it, the more the \"good guys\" seem unlikeable and these \"bad guys\" appear as 'good' and their actions are more rational, well-calculated, but also justified." ], "top_scores": [ 12.480805397033691, 10.066901206970215, 9.929835319519043, 9.718562126159668, 9.630221366882324 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the romanticization or identification with fictional and real-world villains, anti-heroes, and sadistic impulses.", "pearson_r": 0.4515086625706721, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6194, "freq": 0.041280960720540404, "mean_pos": 3.0697357654571533, "max_act": 7.202911853790283, "log_density": -1.3842501935257439, "top_texts": [ "I thought I was just strange for the longest time. ", "I knew I was different from others since I was in kindergarten. Several years of being weird, fairly ostracized, and isolated to my own world later, I became very interested in mental illness. Reading about schizoid and schizotypal PDs, they resonated a lot with me, though I wasn't sure that I was to the extent that it was diagnosible and totally maladaptive. Maybe it was because my symptoms became much worse in college, but one of my prior therapists seemed to think the shoe fit.", "Until the psychiatrist put a label on why I was so different to my siblings and everyone else I had never known so many other people were like me. I see them in the wild here and there but never talk about this kind of thing. Thus discovering how others cope with it is super interesting.", "yeah :( it fricking sucks, i always feel different and weird and unrelatable", "Just because you don’t have the Same emotional spectrum that others have it doesn’t mean that you don’t have an unique personality" ], "top_scores": [ 7.202911853790283, 7.107404708862305, 7.034392356872559, 6.944710731506348, 6.761638164520264 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the subjective experience of feeling fundamentally different, alienated, or \"other\" from the rest of society.", "pearson_r": 0.5325422858080223, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8514, "freq": 0.027748083790115313, "mean_pos": 4.560895919799805, "max_act": 17.32354736328125, "log_density": -1.5567669870922496, "top_texts": [ "Been going to the gym consistently for the last five months I'm still depressed, but at least now I'm strong and depressed. \n\nSometimes I just want to cry though. I go to the gym and try to lift some heavy weight, and then a wave of sadness suddenly comes on and I can't even budge the weight from the ground (a weight that is actually less than my max). Depression makes me physically weaker. Sometimes I can hype myself up and manage to barely pull through. I guess in that sense it is mental training too. I'm still waiting to feel the results of that mental training though. The depression hasn't really gotten easier. \n\nToday I got a new max though, so that made me a little bit happy. ", "Does anyone else get more depressed by working out? I've been working out consistently for approximately two years now and it has just become something that I do. \n\n\nIt's often been an issue that I'll go to the gym and I'll be super self conscious. I'll see the other fit men in the gym and say why can't I be like that? I'll see attractive women in the gym and immediately assume that they don't find me attractive. I believe that everyone is watching me and judging me on my form/appearance ant its depressing. I look at how far I've progressed (or lack thereof) and realize that it isn't enough. \n\n\n\nAll of the above is combined and I'm honestly finding it difficult to find the will or motivation to continue. \n\n\nMy therapist said that it should boost my spirits, but it's just not doing it for me. ", "Honestly my fiancée is obsessed working out and this seeks like something he would do. He claims it’s essential for his mental health and well-being and during a stressful time like child birth i sort of get it. Maybe you compromise and he goes at a time that you OK and feel comfortable with?", "I work out at a gym! High-intensity cardio is my best friend for mental health. I like to lift too, but overall, cardio gives me more bang for my buck. And unlike lifting, you don’t even need equipment or a gym for cardio, as you could go for a run or walk outside, or even do a routine from a workout video at home. Definitely recommend these options if you’re newer to exercise", "To Gym or not to Gym? I just want some opinion and advice about getting into a Gym next month, I wanna get lean and maybe get some arms, not too much, I've been thinking about it but I'm not sure because of my anxiety and depression, would it be good for me? would it be bad? I'm very confused so any advice is welcome." ], "top_scores": [ 17.32354736328125, 16.404884338378906, 15.455389022827148, 15.452093124389648, 15.032735824584961 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of physical exercise and its complex, often ambivalent, impact on mental health and emotional well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.6085792820852477, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10022, "freq": 0.03507175836422772, "mean_pos": 3.6022932529449463, "max_act": 15.127676010131836, "log_density": -1.4550424473203663, "top_texts": [ "I've literally got 0 sexual drive. What. The. Fuck? I'm a guy, and can still get an erection, but I have had 0 sexual drive at all.\n\nIt's not erectile dysfunction, but it's like my entire pituitary gland, (is that the one?), just was removed.", "Total loss of libido is something you can't understand without experiencing it yourself. \n \nI lost my libido entirely in 2019. I was on aripiprazole and vortioxetine. I also heavily abused pregabalin several times as I bought in bulk. Amphetamine I did for the entire year. Aripiprazole and vortioxetine I quit in June. Last pregabalin purchase was in July/August. It stopped working completely so I quit using it. \n \nTotal loss of libido freed me from my porn addiction. I am single male with no interest for releationship so this has been a net positive experience. \n \nHowever for someone in a releationship a loss of libido is serious thing. Easily marriage ending.", "Weirdly enough it did not cause me any distress as it was happening. Losing all sex drive is literally that. I simply did not care that it was gone. It has to be experienced to truly understand it. When I got worried however was after I quit taking aripriprazole it took half a year until I noticed any improvement. It has now been 13 months since stopping taking it. I can't remember the last time I fapped without using libido enchancing drug. Not that it is a bad thing. I am just acknowleding how long lasting the decreased libido can be.", "My sex drive is diminishing every year. Eventually, it'll probably die. It's like my hormones are adjusting to the fact that I'll never get laid for as long as I live. ", "No, they supposed to only impact your libido (i say supposed because the had the opposite effect on me, never had libido before starting to take them and i started at my 20') so no, the lack of attraction is different than your libido" ], "top_scores": [ 15.127676010131836, 14.120116233825684, 13.789799690246582, 13.313053131103516, 13.169301986694336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of diminished or absent sexual libido.", "pearson_r": 0.41365101716588143, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4816, "freq": 0.02213023403916574, "mean_pos": 5.667572975158691, "max_act": 18.988983154296875, "log_density": -1.6550139735254918, "top_texts": [ "Brother is getting on my nerves I'm 23 and my brother is 27.\n\nWe moved in together. I do freelance work, which is work basically enough to get by. I work on hobbies and other stuff on the side. My brother also works, etc.\n\nHe helped me pay some stuff and I'm slowly paying that back. Which I have been paying back.\nIt was a bit hard to move in and cost more than I thought but I've basically leveled everything out and we split bills so everything is just slowly getting taken care of.\n\nHe drinks a bit and when he does or when he's hungover he gets mad at me. If he asks me to do something and I don't do it, he will get mad. If I'm doing something he doesn't like, he'll get mad and make me seem like the most lazy unappreciative self absorbed piece of shit you could think of.\n\nIt's taking a toll on me, and now I realize how it's all working out I'm kind of stuck. I live with it now but I also live with him and I just want to find a way to handle it without feeling demoted after every fight. I have goals I'm working towards, I don't really need him pressing me back every time cause I didn't cater to him.\n\nAny help appreciated!", "Want to talk about my feelings but don't want to bring my brother down This is my first post with my new account. I will spare you the life story but I will just say that I've struggled with depression for years, despite recently taking action to help myself and my mental state. \n\n\nAs I no longer have a therapist I can see regularly thanks to the coronavirus, my dear brother has once again become the only person I talk to about my problems. The thing is, whenever I'm in a depressive state, he says it's like torture for him. I'd like to be able to deal with my feelings by myself, but more often than not I end up ruminating on the internet about my problems, with thoughts such as, \"Why do I have no friends?\" So for me, I think it's good to break the cycle by talking to someone, if possible, but my brother has been dealing with me for years now, and my depression in recent years has been very intense and recurrent. I've already checked myself into a hospital three times in the past two years for suicidal ideation, and I've stayed at two different mental wards. Suicide hotlines have sometimes made it worse for me as the other person doesn't really know me and I tend to talk myself into a downward spiral. \n\n\nHow do I deal with my ruminating thoughts and depressive feelings without troubling the only person I have to talk to about my problems?", "Having boundaries is not selfish at all. He could wreck your car any time he borrows it. Your brother sounds very irresponsible and selfish in taking things that do not belong to him. I can understand giving family members what they want from you even if you don't want to considering you live with them and probably want to keep the peace. \n\nI know it may be difficult but getting a good source of income and moving out might do you a lot of good. Living around such people sounds like hell. Perhaps finding something that can be work from home or working in a low human interaction environment? Night security? Driving? Night Janitor? Not glamorous jobs at all, but something enough to not flare up your condition and makes enough money to pay your expenses on your own. \n\nImagine having your own income and your own apartment and your brother texts you asking for things. You can tell him to get his own :D", "My brother and I usually get along but for some reason, he makes me really angry, to the point that I don't like who I become. I'm a pretty level-headed guy and never really yell or get angry at anyone but for some reason **when it comes to my brother the anger I get is so overwhelming**. He's the only one that can get me to that point of anger where I start sweating and shaking. He's never \"hurt\" me in a major way before and all the things that annoy me are little things like ignoring me, not responding to me when I talk to his lack of eye-contact and him generally ignoring/disregarding my attempts of communication. I don't wanna be like this towards him and I don't really know what to do.", "I very much have felt like this before. My brother, four years older than me, didn’t finish college until recently (I finished years ago).\nMy parents care a lot more abt him, and they hate when I point it out. No celebrations, no care, just screaming at me" ], "top_scores": [ 18.988983154296875, 16.115318298339844, 15.985506057739258, 15.365891456604004, 15.102189064025879 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures interpersonal conflict and emotional distress specifically related to sibling relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.8435898299505749, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9041, "freq": 0.03548115632178679, "mean_pos": 3.5115127563476562, "max_act": 11.079157829284668, "log_density": -1.450002222823724, "top_texts": [ "The need of needing someone Im a 22/f in a long distance relationship with a 23/m \nWe see each other about a weekend a month \nI hate every time we visit each other and one of has to leave I get really depressed \nHere at school I don’t really hang out with much people mainly cause I transferred late and everyone is already so cliquey \nAnd I don’t really know how to socialize anymore \nHe just makes me so insanely happy, he’s honestly my best friend but I hate that I need him around me because I don’t want him to be my source of happiness. \nI hate this \n", "me an needs. All I want an need is a guy ik I can absolutely depend upon,\n\nI need a guy who loves affection .\n\nI can have his hoodies ,shirts ,hug an cuddle all the time .\n\nBe obsessive over each other an be completely inseparable.", "If you fight and you need space, but she says she feels like she doesn't matter and needs reassurance, you reassure you will come back to her once you have had your space. Your needs matter as well. And she needs to learn to self regulate better and work on herself as well.", "That said I feel pretty much doomed to be alone. I can't speak for women dating men or non-hetero relationships but my thoughts kind of boil down to this: women want to feel NEEDED in serious, committed relationships. I've been self-reliant for so long that it just straight up frustrates and pisses off potential partners. Relationships rooted in NEED are deeply flawed, I've seen it throughout my life beginning with my parents abusive trainwreck of a marriage. NEED based relationships are my kryptonite.", "Another thing to consider is if you WANT the drug or NEED the drug. " ], "top_scores": [ 11.079157829284668, 9.904393196105957, 9.603476524353027, 9.558265686035156, 9.454398155212402 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of interpersonal dependency and the emotional need for external validation or connection.", "pearson_r": 0.24260350989527524, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 635, "freq": 0.023927036186230582, "mean_pos": 5.174918174743652, "max_act": 18.085508346557617, "log_density": -1.6211110754498255, "top_texts": [ "Trying read to read books while I job hunt and it's fucking impossible. I used to read alot in my early teenage years. ", "Reading as daily habit (struggling) Hello fellow dopamine surfers!\n\nThe last few years I've read 3 books, which is not much. I was only able to complete the books because I was depressed/either extremely interested in the presented subject. \n\nSince my recent diagnose and meds (MY LAAAWD), I believed I could start a reading habit in the evening which is wrong. And apparently this is a common thing (+ med levels decreasing/tired in the evening)\n\nI would really love to make reading work and enjoy it. I wondered if some of you have personal strategies to deal with this.", "i can’t read books i can’t read books. i can try to read online articles and for some reason it’s a bit easier, but it’s still super challenging. it’s annoying because i’m reading a book about the brain for school and im super interested in medicine. that’s like the only topic i know much about. i guess it’s what ive hyper-focused on. it’s just annoying as F*CK when i can’t even read a paragraph about something i’m passionate about. it makes me question if i am truly passionate about it and if i truly enjoy it. i always remind myself i can’t even get into any other topic and this is something that truly excites me and fills me with passion. i just can’t read, not even if it’s about something i’m passionate about. it’s like i want to learn about it but oh my god i do not want to read. or it’s like i DO want to read but it’s so hard to bring myself to do it. and then it’s like everything is going too fast and i can’t sit and read it all word for word. i’m in college and it worries me because if i pursue something in the medical field, i won’t be able to do it because i struggle with reading so much. i’m meeting with someone this week to help me and possibly diagnose me with learning disabilities. so i am seeking accommodations at my college, but it’s still super frustrating. i’ve talked a bit with my professor but i need to talk to her again. i’m just so frustrated.", "Exciting realization this morning I can read books again!\n\nBackground: I used to read fantasy novels like there was no tomorrow when I was a child. When high school started, I got sucked into the internet and social media (and reddit...) and could get through maybe two books a year if I was lucky.\n\nI made a New Year's resolution this year to read a chapter a day and am now about to finish my fifth novel (Oathbringer, Lies of Locke Lamora, Red Seas Under Red Skies, Republic of Thieves, and City Stained Red, if anybody needs a recommendation!).\n\nIt's made me happier than I've been in awhile and I needed to share that with somebody!", "Let’s make this quick, cause when I had depression, reading felt like such a chore." ], "top_scores": [ 18.085508346557617, 17.16391372680664, 17.05402374267578, 16.605579376220703, 16.21150779724121 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive impairment and loss of focus associated with reading difficulties in the context of mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.8327303519048551, "pred_f1": 0.9473684210526315 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2553, "freq": 0.029635863261082175, "mean_pos": 4.126781463623047, "max_act": 16.78470230102539, "log_density": -1.5281824030513897, "top_texts": [ "I feel wounded when I get rejected I usually get rejected by 'just an afterthought' by most of the people I know. This culminates in a immense physical pain I face day by day, slowly faltering my progress of fighting against depression.", "how does rejection feel to you? I just want to know if other people experience it the same way I do. whenever I get ignored, hung up on, blocked, broken up with, etc etc it sends me into a total meltdown, I can only describe it as being emotionally set on fire and the only thing to put it out is hearing from said person who’s rejecting me, absolutely nothing else stops these episodes, the pain is unbearable, I immediately enter this state of mind where I’m completely paralysed with panic and fear, I start crying and screaming and rolling around and pacing and rocking back and forth, throwing up, throwing things or hurting myself, and texting and calling the person a million times over begging for them to just speak to me and make it all stop. I am so incredibly tired of having this emotional reaction, especially because the people who do this to me are often emotionally abusive and undeserving of having me in their life to begin with, however I’m still not capable of leaving them. \n\nI just want to know if there’s other people out there who experience such a painful reaction too?", "1. She definitely took the rejection personally. Her self-esteem probably took a hit, and you were devalued. Your rejection made it clear that you weren't interested, and it probably made her feel bad about herself/possibly humiliated.\n2. I can't play armchair therapist, but her symptoms do sound like a textbook histrionic. However it could also be one of the other cluster B PD's.", "My inability to be rejected. I don’t handle rejection well in the least. I’ve been dumped and just sit in the bathroom wailing because it hurts more than physical pain. It’s rejection in any for. The romantic kind just hurts the most. But even if it’s perceived rejection by a friend or potential partner I die.", "Yes, absolutely. Not matter how trivial, any form of rejection is horrible. It's one of the reasons I try to avoid people altogether." ], "top_scores": [ 16.78470230102539, 15.996054649353027, 15.89107608795166, 15.575899124145508, 15.142949104309082 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intense emotional and physical distress triggered by perceived social rejection.", "pearson_r": 0.28057045833545735, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1162, "freq": 0.032092251006436645, "mean_pos": 3.797288179397583, "max_act": 13.276371955871582, "log_density": -1.4935998061312923, "top_texts": [ "Maladaptive daydreaming, unlike regular daydreaming, is excessive and interferes with daily life. It's characterized by intense, immersive, and often prolonged fantasies that can feel more real than reality itself. Normal daydreaming, on the other hand, is generally a brief, fleeting mental escape that doesn't disrupt daily functioning.", "Maladaptive Day Dreaming Does anyone have experience with maladaptive day dreaming? Like did you do it when you were younger and do you do it now to cope?", "Daydreaming I'm curious if others engage in daydreaming. If you want to share the content of your daydream, that would be interesting.\n\nMore detail:\n\nI've had a pattern that when I'm depressed I develop an elaborate and vivid daydream that I become fixated on. I \"work\" on that daydream for a while. Clinicians would call it maladaptive daydreaming - I also engage in what I would believe is healthy daydreaming. I do it a lot when I'm walking my dogs.\n\nOne of my past daydream involved willing a huge lottery jackpot. It's kind of an embarrassing thing because in the real world, I'm not concerned much with that kind of thing Mostly it was about how I would give the money away.\n\nI'm bipolar 2 and recently hypomanic, but I started a new daydream and it might indicate I'm starting into a depression It is too embarrassing and pathetic to share the details. It is obsessive and emotionally triggering in way that is pleasurable.", "I hope this isn’t inappropriate but how much did it cost you to go? What was like the daily cost? Or do you pay for it as a program and not a day to day thing?", "Yup, I daydream pretty much daily at points throughout the day. I'll daydream about dating, talking to people, and anything else that I would like to do, but that I am unable to in real life. It makes me feel good in the moment." ], "top_scores": [ 13.276371955871582, 11.691771507263184, 11.145881652832031, 11.040128707885742, 10.947778701782227 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of maladaptive daydreaming as a coping mechanism for reality.", "pearson_r": 0.22496063533292376, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6723, "freq": 0.022221211363067754, "mean_pos": 5.387917518615723, "max_act": 18.717195510864258, "log_density": -1.6532322501554166, "top_texts": [ "Visual Hallucinations Hello everyone! I’m here for a little bit of insight. My friend was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia, and I have some questions about the idea of visual hallucinations, so I’ll just list them.\n\nWhat are the most common hallucinations you guys experience? \n\nAre they all scary? Or are there some good/neutral ones as well?\n\nHow clear are these images? Like, are they rough shapes, or are they apparent objects?\n\nFinally, where do they occur in your field of vision? Like are they more peripheral, or more central?\n\nAny responses would help a lot!", "That sounds like a misperception.\n\nA hallucination is hearing noises, usually words or phrases (because that's how the human mind thinks), with no actual external stimuli. For example, you could be in a totally quiet room with nobody around and still hear them talking to you.", "Seriously, though, this is technically a visual distortion because it's based on a true physical stimulus, whereas hallucinations are not. That said, it doesn't mean any less disturbing when it happens. Hope you feel better.", "I have a lot of visualizations of people and buildings. My full on hallucinations are only auditory unless I'm very sleep deprived.", "Visual hallucinations and double takes. Whenever I have visual hallucinations, they're never persistent when I see them. When I see them I will quickly look again and it will be gone. Earlier today, I glanced at my thumb and saw that it was all bloody and the skin was flayed off. When I did a double take and looked again, it was normal. This happends the same way with other visuals. Does anyone else experience them like this?" ], "top_scores": [ 18.717195510864258, 17.372140884399414, 16.895858764648438, 16.64192008972168, 16.55802345275879 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion and clinical distinction of sensory hallucinations and perceptual distortions.", "pearson_r": 0.8864594706500707, "pred_f1": 0.9473684210526315 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 405, "freq": 0.03486705938544818, "mean_pos": 3.4226768016815186, "max_act": 10.850826263427734, "log_density": -1.4575846661082306, "top_texts": [ "Sounds like cyclothymia. I have that. Mine goes between days though", "One day episodes? I wonder if anyone has experienced this and has any helpful hints or can point me to what’s been happening lately. \n\nBrief history: severe long lasting bouts of depression with the main symptom being lack of energy followed by ahedonia, increased appetite, need to self medicate, thoughts of dying but no intent or self harm actions \n\n9 months ago I moved to a new city and my life changed drastically for the better. There’s a lot of moments related to loneliness but overall I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’ve been feeling better about myself. The awful feelings still come in waves, pop up randomly for days at a time. But again, a massive improvement overall. \n\nThe issue: Recently been having severe one day episodes. Or maybe not any more severe than my usual ones but the jarring thing is they come out of NOWHERE. This happened once last week and again on Saturday. I had absolutely no energy, I had a terrible outlook and general feeling of misery. Friends had come to visit me from out of town and we had a wonderful day the day before and out of nowhere I find myself out with them at a fun place in town they’d bought tickets for me to go to and I couldn’t have been more miserable. They even noticed and said I seemed quiet and tired, honestly even though that was all they saw in me I was embarrassed and couldn’t explain it other than “yeah I feel kinda bad today.” And felt dumb having no better explanation. \n\nIs this familiar to anyone? I have no idea what to make of this and more importantly how to handle it. I was on meds for several years and they didn’t really help, just contributed to weight gain. Only thing I take now is vitamin D for about the past week. \n\nEDIT: words ", "I can get from feeling super bad (aka anxiety) to feeling super good with just one single thought (they're, most of the times, exaggerated). And then, with another thought I can get from feeling super good to feeling super bad. This is a matter of just seconds and these switchs can last for hours, stop and then come back again. When I get the bad feelings it's just awful and the only way I can cope with them is thinking of a way of killing myself. Then, when I get the good ones, I completely forget about the sensation the bad ones gave me and I see the bright side.", "Does anyone else feel fine, then suddenly feel hopeless and suicidal for a few hours, and then go back to (relatively) fine again after? For me, sometimes there's a trigger and sometimes it just comes out of nowhere. Regardless of how the feeling arises I'm on edge; planning what to put in my letter, picking a day/time, solely focused on the reasons why I need to die. \nAnd then after a while...back to kind of nothingness and feeling kind of passive about it all. Still depressed and wanting to die but with no immediate plans.", "Take it one day at a time, enjoy what good days and moments you have and know you will continue to have them, and that bad days are more than okay." ], "top_scores": [ 10.850826263427734, 10.032716751098633, 9.80159854888916, 9.437417030334473, 9.310467720031738 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents rapid, transient fluctuations in mood or emotional state occurring over short timeframes.", "pearson_r": 0.2988600612301547, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1019, "freq": 0.028362180726453932, "mean_pos": 4.201663017272949, "max_act": 14.886436462402344, "log_density": -1.5472603646273373, "top_texts": [ "What do you mean, not much?!?!?! High school can be a hellish 4 years! You made it! Congrats kiddo!", "Hmm I never really had many friends so it's tough to recall. When I had friends in high school, they were generally sympathetic.", "I think about high school often, I think it's because my anxiety and depression was kept at bay because I was constantly surrounded by peers who were all going through the same thing. Nowadays I have brutal anxiety and depression thinking about every possible thing I should be doing to advance my life whether that be meeting new people, leaning something, making money, etc. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nIn high school there was a bit of peace knowing that everyone was more or less doing the same thing and it was as if there's not as much of a chance to miss out. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nNot only that, I feel like my depression was definitely kept at bay because you were surrounded by cute girls and most of your best friends. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI miss the aura of high school too. Fucking around at lunch time, the band playing at pep rallies, having that fun sense of breaking the rules. It's not even like I was popular, I resented a lot of the popular kids at my school. I just miss the overall feeling I had in high school and there isn't a way to replicate it. It's beyond pathetic I know. Has anyone else felt the same way and been able to successfully combat this feeling?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI just want a reason to wake up, a reason to work out, a means to have satisfying happiness. I'm aware it's possible but it hardly seems so when most of my genuine happiness came out of high school.", "Just realized I’m going to be so alone after High School 18, finishing last year of high school. Been depressed from my lack of self esteem and worsening financial struggles for a long time, but I realized it’s going to get worse. I only have two friends, no girlfriend, barely a social life. One friend is going to another state for college, the other is moving to Europe. They’re the only ones holding me stable, they’re the only ones I got that ask me what’s wrong and try to help. My parents are barely home, and I fear I might become more depressed after school ends. \n\nWhat should I do? ", "I didn't have any friends in high school and got bullied. Didn't go to any school dances or joined any clubs. Had bad grades but made the effort to show up in class to get a passing grade. The great high school memories..." ], "top_scores": [ 14.886436462402344, 13.280590057373047, 13.088854789733887, 12.964661598205566, 12.4539213180542 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the reflection on and emotional processing of high school experiences and their impact on mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.5919291315283449, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8295, "freq": 0.021971023722337207, "mean_pos": 5.335165977478027, "max_act": 16.43170738220215, "log_density": -1.658149687236144, "top_texts": [ "Everything’s fucked again Hi. I’m not particularly scared of corona virus, I try to be careful tho not to spread it if i have it and i don’t know about it, and not to catch it, but the thing is, our country is on total lockdown.. Our school is sending us shit ton of homework.. I can’t see my therapist. I’ve been suicidal for a really long time, but everything started getting better in last few months, but now it’s back to the old rails. I’m stuck in the house, just lying in my bed crying. I can go out but at what cost. I don’t wanna fo this anymore. Everything feels so distant. Everything’s closed. I know the quarantine is useful for the situation, but i guess it’s gonna cost me my life, or at least my mental health. It just feels so unfair, i was working on myself for a really long time and suddenly everything’s fucked. again. I don’t wanna get better only to fall a crumble apart again", "Coronavirus lockdown Thanks to the Coronavirus lockdown i realized how the people i thought i could call friends actually don't care about me. It made me realize that all the moments together were possible not beacuse they enjoyed my presence but because they were forced to have me with them. I used to go out with them a lot but just before this lockdown they started to hang out without me every time they could. They started speaking in code (i know it may sounds fake but it's the truth) so i wouldn't understand. I'm probably never going to see some of them again (i hope so, i can just imagine some sort of fake reaction like \"omg hey, how are you\") if things keep going as they are. Now the bad part is that in this goup of friends there's the girl i like, for which i've done so much but now even her text to me only if she need something (she always did it but she also texted just for fun or to ask me to hang out). It's been 2 month since the lockdown started here in Italy and none of these friends texted me just to ask if everything was ok.\n\nPls share your thoughts. I really want to know what you guys think about this.", "Coronavirus Thoughts Thanks to this whole \"social distancing\" trend, I don't think the world will ever be the same again. I think that we’ve overreacted to this virus so much, that the societal and political damage can never be undone. Even after the virus is gone in about a month, people will probably still be thinking \"I hope this guy doesn't have a virus\" whenever they're even 20 feet away from another person. Also, \"drastic measures\" are almost universally accepted now, and I find that extremely disturbing. I'm feeling sick to my stomach knowing that I'm one of very few people who aren't afraid of the virus and don't want any drastic or society-changing measures taken place. People don't even care about the economy anymore. They aren’t thinking about how millions of people could starve to death in a worldwide economic depression if these cancellations and quarantines aren’t lifted soon, not to mention how unhappy everyone will be during this virus and beyond. Even the term \"social distancing\" makes my bones chill! Just last February, I seriously thought I was already in the roaring 2020s. COVID-19 wasn't even affecting the economy until we were told that the virus can be spread through casual contact, and everyone believes that because scientists said so. The WHO can say that blinking causes cancer, and 99% of people would believe them just because they're scientists. I’m not saying that the WHO is evil and has a plan to destroy the American Dream, but that they were forced to come up with a solution fast. I can prove that this virus isn’t spread through casual contact, and I don’t need sources to do so, just scientific thinking. If people didn't start socially distancing until mid-March, and people who’ve had the virus weren't quarantined until two weeks after they got it (supposedly infecting people they've come in contact with during those two weeks), why did it take until now for the numbers to skyrocket everywhere else? You see, I think it’s just airborne, but I could be wrong (could be right too). Back in the Middle Ages, science was all about disproving stuff, but now, you either agree with everything the scientists say, or you're a \"conservatard redneck\". The American Dream is done for, and I find that very disheartening.", "Coronavirus will help me kms Be me, 21 y o stuck at my parents home for quarantine in shithole paris\nSchool is 600km away, no school so i came to stay with them\nGirlfriend and friends are 600km away, parents took my computer and credit card so i don't waste my time on computer all day, while they're spending all the day in the couch watching tv news about this virus\n\nI'm wasting my time here, doing push ups and doing nothing on my bed all day\nNo one talks to me in that family, no one actually cares about anything except work or this virus \nI miss my girlfriend so much, my friends even more, life is joyless in this house\n\nI can't even look for a job or write motivation letter without my computer, i don't know if finding me dead in my room will actually make them realize how wrong they are about me", "Fuck coronavirus My country is on quarantine and I'm having a hard time coping, does someone have tips or something?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.43170738220215, 16.418468475341797, 16.375612258911133, 16.050561904907227, 15.743653297424316 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents distress and social isolation specifically triggered by the COVID-19 pandemic and lockdown measures.", "pearson_r": 0.6764163588777915, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5798, "freq": 0.023335683580867468, "mean_pos": 4.934268474578857, "max_act": 16.991134643554688, "log_density": -1.6319794540317867, "top_texts": [ "Thank God for insurance but yeah, they told me if my insurance didn’t cover it, I’d be paying that out-of-pocket.", "I can no longer afford to see a counselor for my depression Last year my insurance was fantastic. I could go to any counselor in my network and I had zero copay. It was great. \n\nI just got a new job this year which I'm happy about but my insurance is terrible. They won't pay for any of my counseling sessions until I pay a $1500 deductible first. After that, they will only pay 50% of the counselor's fee. Seeing a counselor now would cost me $500 a month. That's more than my car payment. I just can't afford to see a therapist anymore. \n\nIs anybody else in the same boat? Any advice? \n\nThanks", "SeekIng Adult ADHD Treatment Without Health Insurance Has anybody been treated for ADHD despite not carrying health insurance? If so, what were your out of pocket costs annually?", "What's up with the health insurance hassles? Is this a concerted effort? I've begun having issues with re-filling my concerta prescription within the last couple of months. I hopped on reddit in order to find out whether others had had similar issues. There are tons of posts! Does anyone know what the issues are? Is this a widespread effort to refuse to cover meds for adults with ADHD? Why would the insurance insist that you take the brand name and not the generic? What's the deal with requiring that you take some other drug as opposed to the one that you have been taking? I assume money is the answer, but does anyone have any additional information or know where I can find it? \n \nI've been taking Concerta for about 4 or 5 years now after I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. I've had health insurance all of this time and have not had any issues with coverage until my recent move to a red state in the SW, which involved signing up with a new provider BC/BS. I take the generic and as of the first of the year I was told that the insurance company wouldn't cover the generic, but was going to insist on the brand name ... and that that would require prior authorization. What. The. Hell. I tried other drugs, this one is the one that works. I just want to go back to living my best life. Why do we put up with this shite? Who do I have to protest against? ", "I need help. No insurance coverage to get tested. Currently studying tech stuff, and I love it. Once I get going it's awesome, but a reocurring theme in my life has been how difficult it is to get started. My job doesn't offer me insurance, and I'm having a hard time staying with the course I'm taking. I'm frustrated, and pressure from family isn't helping. If anybody could help me with advice, tips, anything....I just want to feel better and stop this cycle." ], "top_scores": [ 16.991134643554688, 16.674457550048828, 16.53115463256836, 15.73337459564209, 15.54653549194336 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The financial and systemic barriers to accessing mental health care and medication due to insurance limitations.", "pearson_r": 0.5374188628981015, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7004, "freq": 0.027179475515727705, "mean_pos": 4.218325138092041, "max_act": 16.138286590576172, "log_density": -1.5657589121554076, "top_texts": [ "I chose I was told being depressed was a choice. So basically I choose to get prescribed medication. I choose to tell myself everyday if only I had the perfect body. I choose to feel alone and empty and we sleep in the same bed. I chose to grow up in foster care and need a mother who won't even call me. I choose to hold my children and cry because they love me without having a choice. Yea definitely my choice!", "'shes allowed to make choices Ike not go to hospital' \nexcept if she make that choice she'll DIE.\ni don't care , am not watching my mom dying.\ni have done tht with my dad i am NOT going to lose another. being allowed to make choices should END when it affects other people. my brother is a minor. and has lost his dad. i ain't never want to see him lose another of his parent again. there is a line between making a choice vs when it affects other people.", "It's an active choice to make every day, it's tiresome, boring and exhausting, but it's necessary and the only right thing to do. I can always choose not to, but I'll have to take the consequences as well. The psych always corrects me on this, as I tend to say I \"have to\" or \"must\" - she says I don't *have to* do anything, the second it turns into a chore, something you feel forced to do, it'll become unbearable. I always have choices, they just lead to different outcomes, some choices are smarter, some are just plain moronic.", "\"Your actions are a choice\". Bullshit. Something I hear a lot is how all my shitty actions have been a choice, a conscious choice. Like somehow I wanted to do these things for some grand purpose. But it is not choice. It is how I process the world and react to it, all automatically. Now that I have achieved some self awareness I look back over the decades and think \"who was that guy?\". I find it hard to believe I did those things too, can't find any rational cause. I don't mean to be a cold, aggressive, abusive, manipulating selfish individual. I just am. If I had a choice I would be normal and happy like everyone else, I am working on it. It's not an excuse, just like someone with agoraphobia can't just control their symptoms I can't just magically decide to be normal, it takes extreme effort which can't even begin until I accept their actually bis a problem which is only starting to happen now.", "People with personality disorders don’t choose to make terrible decisions in life they make terrible decisions because they are disordered and might just not have the tools to deal with what life throws at them. Do borderlines choose to have emotional problems? Do narcissists choose to have underlying low self esteem? Does someone with an anxiety disorder choose to let it ruin their lives? People with mental disorders didn’t choose to have them they just do" ], "top_scores": [ 16.138286590576172, 14.620331764221191, 14.555299758911133, 14.394098281860352, 14.148859024047852 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the philosophical and psychological debate regarding personal agency, conscious choice, and accountability in the context of mental illness.", "pearson_r": 0.34683058968360486, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1373, "freq": 0.0355039006527623, "mean_pos": 3.2109386920928955, "max_act": 9.765058517456055, "log_density": -1.4497239181236092, "top_texts": [ "It would make sense to me if you're more tired towards evening than in the morning and that's why your symptoms start to act up more then.", "Would it really make a difference if she loves you or not?", "How do you tell your meds are active? When do you know your meds are working? I take adderall xr and sr and typically when I feel thirsty af and nauseated even if I’ve eaten I know it’s working. \n\nHow do you know when yours is working? \n\n", "How can I tell if my antidepressants are working or not? Whenever I’m not 100% distracted, I end up thinking about my mood, and at this point, I will automatically tell myself and reinforce that I am in fact depressed and not truly having fun, even if it is questionable. I can’t even tell if I’m having fun. It’s like if I’m enjoying myself heaps, like laughing with friends or watching cute animals, and realise that I’m having fun, and that thought triggers myself to say to myself that I will never be happy and this is a fleeting moment, and that thought itself acts as ‘evidence that I’m depressed’ which goes back into the cycle of negativity which de-purifies whatever enjoyment I’m feeling. Plus, I honestly don’t remember what true happiness or pleasure feels like, like what am I looking for to know they’re working?", "Yes, it does seem like SGO is having the intended effects it seems. What a relief. " ], "top_scores": [ 9.765058517456055, 8.349738121032715, 8.102706909179688, 7.936598777770996, 7.590170860290527 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective monitoring and evaluation of medication efficacy.", "pearson_r": 0.423012549558458, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5821, "freq": 0.023381172242818476, "mean_pos": 4.82850980758667, "max_act": 14.591094970703125, "log_density": -1.631133700184535, "top_texts": [ "DAE get a chronic feeling of emptiness? Like a feeling of absolute nothing, a huge void that nothing can fill? \n\nI’ve been empty for so long trying to fill an unrelenting void in my gut thinking there has always been something missing inside of me. It’s like a visceral ache of nothingness. Like there has to be something more... and it hurts. \n\nI’ve tried filling this void with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships, food, jobs etc and these things work at filling the black hole inside my gut only temporarily....... then I am right back to feeling empty and moving on to the next thing. \n\nIt’s exhausting.", "How can I fill the void? How can I stop feeling empty?\nI'll do anything even if it's just for a moment. ", "The emptiness never goes away, you just mask it and make the most of the mask, whilst you have it on. When I do something I try put my all into it and focus on it, - I also have reddit 🤣😅", "I don't know whats wrong with me Am feeling empty so empty ...... it started when my brother got scolded by my father over something big. I felt sad and pitied him and even blamed myself for it and then when i was alone i started laughing and a \"serves them right\" thought crossed my minde and i felt kinda elated and suddenly am empty", "No matter how well life is going, there remains an empty sadness within me. And I do not want attention, quite the opposite actually. Ever since I (f24) was young enough to remember, I’ve had this empty feeling inside me. It’s most likely stemmed from low self esteem issues and being overly self conscious about my appearance, and being bullied at a young age for things as stupid as having arm hair and having society pushing these beauty expectations onto me has resulted in me not really wanting to be involved with this society. I love being alone and hate when people ask what is going on in my head because then I gotta lie and say everything’s all good. When In fact, i’m always pretty much at least a little sad. I’ll be having a good day then boom here comes the rain cloud. I start crying sometimes while driving alone or in the shower and don’t even know why I feel this empty sadness in me. I have plenty of people who love me and I feel I don’t deserve love. Feel like I don’t deserve anything from anyone and get nervous making new friends because I feel they just want something from me. I hate attention, even guys just looking at me makes me irritated, just leave me alone. Which is why I am very good at faking it when i’m in public when i’m really just deep in my head lost in thoughts 💭. Just needed to rant.." ], "top_scores": [ 14.591094970703125, 13.572972297668457, 12.953171730041504, 12.934310913085938, 12.668931007385254 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the persistent, internal psychological state of chronic emptiness or an existential void.", "pearson_r": 0.39770045610267657, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 453, "freq": 0.026497145586462573, "mean_pos": 4.252385139465332, "max_act": 16.927024841308594, "log_density": -1.576800891666056, "top_texts": [ "The difference between depression/suicidal and just looking for attention I don't know what the difference is because the lines seem blurred. Attention helps curb the suicidal thoughts but of course is not a cure. At the same time any attention directly correlated to my instigation of it feels hollow and incomplete. \n\nThe only sort of attention that I truly find value in is completely of their (the other person's) own accord. Is this wrong? How do I change this?\n\nI seem to swing very quickly between feeling valued and feeling completely useless. Too often it is the latter. Can I practice being in the middle somehow to find some balance?", "Need for attention Is the need for attention also a part of BPD? \n\nI was “diagnosed” with it only a few weeks ago but I had suspected it myself for a while. Ever since I got the confirmation, I feel a bit revealed but also more confused.\n \nNow I have this urge to create some drama to a few of my friends, like something minor has happened to me. So I could get their attention. I actually just want one specific person’s attention from the group. \n", "I'm diagnosed with HPD. My main way of getting attention is playing a victim by constantly oversharing about my mental health issues, self-harm, and other stuff. Whenever I'm craving for a specific person's attention it's like I automatically get sad so that I'm able to \"vent\" to them and get their sympathy and worry.", "I think I just realized why I’ve been addicted to attention. I have a craving for attention, all the time. And I get it anyway I can, regardless of is it stresses other people or worries them. I self harm and tell people about it, and I purposely do terrible in school, all so that I get attention. I’ve always described it as being “addicted to attention”, but I’ve never known why I have this addiction. Until now. There are two reason I think I might be wanting so much attention: \n\n\nOne- my parents are terrible people. They don’t validate my feelings and often make me feel terrible about myself.\n\n\nTwo- I’m subconsciously coping with my fear of abandonment. I think that if people feel bad for me and are worried, then they’re less likely to leave me.\n\n\nIt feels so good to have reasons as to why I feel certain ways.", "My main way of getting attention is from making my friends and FP worry about me. I tend to play up or show how mentally ill/sad I am, and make suicidal or self harm gestures. Basically, worry = attention." ], "top_scores": [ 16.927024841308594, 16.24590301513672, 15.603896141052246, 15.499950408935547, 15.212873458862305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The intentional use of mental health struggles or self-destructive behaviors as a mechanism to elicit attention or concern from others.", "pearson_r": 0.21271690515351413, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 212, "freq": 0.03409375213228103, "mean_pos": 3.2991180419921875, "max_act": 12.43413257598877, "log_density": -1.467325187831808, "top_texts": [ "They had bad intentions and would be in different locations watching me, or my pet, or my fiancé, as if they were waiting for something or looking for a weakness. I think they knew it scared me that they were there. They’d even sit in the back seat while I would drive places", "They knew it would fuck their children up, yet they preceded to do so.", "It was on purpose, so they did it to hurt me for something, I don't even know I did.", "If you read their response to me it's pretty clear they meant what they said exactly as I perceived it, sadly.", "More like using various manipulating tactics on them, or being brutally truthful to the point of putting them down and lowering their self-esteem. At least that's what they've told me I'm constantly doing, sort of like what you'd do with test subjects, most likely because they're the people you spend most your time with and you aren't hesitant to push their limits." ], "top_scores": [ 12.43413257598877, 10.692087173461914, 10.329035758972168, 8.733491897583008, 8.410440444946289 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the perception of intentional, malicious, or manipulative behavior directed at the self by others.", "pearson_r": 0.3519672230905873, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5615, "freq": 0.0292492096344986, "mean_pos": 3.8240418434143066, "max_act": 13.894841194152832, "log_density": -1.5338858499820511, "top_texts": [ "I've heard it thrown around that since the term \"narcissist\" is so stigmatized it's in need of being renamed. I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm curious what others would want to call it if it did come down to that.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/NPD/comments/u6dmb7/if_you_could_rename_npd_what_would_you_rename_it/", "I don't really care about it, and I do use it to describe myself sometimes. I understand they aren't the correct medical terms, but people on Tik Tok are actually breaking out about bing called it.", "That just screams \"america\" to me lmao.\n\nIn some countries it's completely NORMAL to be refered to as \"psychopath\" or \"sociopath\" by psychiatrists and psychologists. Every single of my doctors refered to me as psychopath without meaning it as an insult and without trying to demonize my disorder. I live in central europe and while it's not in the official diagnosis manual it's still broadly used.\n\nIt's non of your business how others label themselves.", "I say \"psycho\" and \"sociopath\" within very limited groups of people (close friends who I trust who mostly also have cluster B disorders or other psychiatric disorders) and only in casual conversations that don't go into the depths of the disorder. Else, just plain aspd. \n\nSociopath and psychopath are just insanely outdated terms from the DSM-III and are from times where the mentally ill were thrown into asylums and tortured by nuns, it just doesn't feel appropriate to still call the disorder that today.\n\nI also don't really like it when people call me a sociopath or psychopath, because the majority of society just throws these words around without even knowing what they actually mean.\nDefinitely agree on the slur part for sure, since it is only used in a derogatory way to describe someone's emotionally abusive ex rather than someone who actually has some traits.", "ADD can simply mean that someone was diagnosed a long time ago and either hasn't kept up with changes in terminology or prefers not to update theirs. It's certainly the acronym that was in use back when I was first diagnosed, and although I tend to use ADHD because it's the standard term these days it still feels weird to me as someone whose presentation is inattentive rather than hyperactive." ], "top_scores": [ 13.894841194152832, 12.186775207519531, 11.857245445251465, 11.81080150604248, 11.401509284973145 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the terminology, labeling, and social stigma associated with specific psychiatric diagnoses.", "pearson_r": 0.5130366618499584, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3449, "freq": 0.02997702822571474, "mean_pos": 3.700124979019165, "max_act": 11.790369987487793, "log_density": -1.5232114086727628, "top_texts": [ "There's a shell that's a mask for people to see, it steers my body. Inside that shell is a void that consumes media, ideas, thoughts to richen my inner world. There's no 'me', I don't truly exist. Bodyless nobody. I am merely fragments of what the senses of this flesh picked during all those years.", "We are all going to die and there is no Life after you die This is very depressing , Everything will be gone and the universe will continue without out existence and we will be just not there , no thoughts no feelings we are just gone \nThis thinking is very hurtful and I don’t know what to do , when you don’t believe in a life after death you are fucked i guess ", "Yeah, my first to think goals are marerialistic as well. After thinking deeper, I too would like to drop my body and wander around as something not physical, or at least not a human being. A ghost or something.", "Death- please tell me the truth When I die, will I cease to exist? Will my consciousness cease to exist? Is this my only shot at existence? Will I never exist again? Or is there an afterlife? Will I exist for eternity? Will I be trapped in this horrible existence with no escape? Will eternity lead to eternal self-hatred and eternal boredom? Will I wish I could end it, but not be able to?\n\nWhat happens when I die? Please tell me it's just like it was before I was born. Please tell me I won't exist anymore. I need to hear that. I need to hear that I won't have to suffer for eternity. I need to hear that I can escape from myself. \n\nNo, on second thought...Just tell me the truth. What happens after I die? Is this it or is there more? I hate myself so fucking much. I can't cope with the idea of living for eternity.", "A revelation I had. Are you ready?\nListen closely.\nNothing truly matters.\nDeath will inevitably strip clean everything you have worked hard for in your entire lifetime.\nThus, what gives us motive to draw another breath, to prolong our lives for another second longer?\nThat, my friend, is the beauty of mankind.\nHumans are hopelessly delusional creatures, clinging onto a fantasy where they think anything they do is of value.\nTo put it lightly, we are nothing just specks of dust in this futile universe.\nBut, until we draw our last breath, why not try to...be a positive influence on this world for a change?\nStay delusional.\nAs that's the only way we can be happy.\n\nThank you.\n\n" ], "top_scores": [ 11.790369987487793, 11.165054321289062, 11.06718921661377, 11.063446044921875, 10.265089988708496 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents existential dread and the dissolution of the self.", "pearson_r": 0.3453954533966058, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9688, "freq": 0.018968772033570634, "mean_pos": 5.75652551651001, "max_act": 20.18684196472168, "log_density": -1.7219607598853575, "top_texts": [ "I feel like my OCPD won’t let me be anything else.", "Questions: What is your definition of OCPD? How does OCPD show up in your life? What are the key differences between OCPD and OCD?", "your partner will probably really benefit from your expressed desire to know them for who they are, ocpd traits and all. people with ocpd can struggle with emotional vulnerability and overwhelming anxiety, so those things might be important to be mindful of. reassurance and emotional support are key. so is healthy conflict. this rambled a bit because it's late, but i hope some of this is helpful. :)", "My OCPD stems from neglect. So yeah, not a specific traumatic event or anything, but just overall not having what I need to feel safe (emotionally, mentally, etc) Thus, OCPD", "So I have OCPD. It’s a personality disorder. Basically think of having perfectionism on steroids. I’ve been working through it, so it’s definitely not that bad anymore." ], "top_scores": [ 20.18684196472168, 19.04994773864746, 18.868410110473633, 18.57302474975586, 18.27886199951172 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the identification, discussion, and personal experience of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD).", "pearson_r": 0.3714841736599069, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5148, "freq": 0.02021971023722337, "mean_pos": 5.353326797485352, "max_act": 21.58579444885254, "log_density": -1.694225050969348, "top_texts": [ "The whole point of art is self expression, that is what makes art beautiful & worth doing. Art does not have to be mature, aesthetically pleasing, or positive. Continue with what you are doing. Embrace your feelings & express them, be your most authentic self. Your art is perfect because it is authentic & honest, please don’t let your mother discourage you. But perhaps don’t show your mother any more of you work. She clearly doesn’t understand art & this is honestly a red flag that she is an unhealthy person for you to be around, at least without having more boundaries with her", "How can I tell the difference? As an artist I often use art as a way of coping or expression, especially with BPD. The problem is I jump from medium to medium and sometimes can’t quite figure out if I’m creating things because I love art or because my head is just all over the place. \n\nYesterday I started about 6 different projects, none of which I completely or even cared much for. It’s like I convince myself that the outcome isn’t worth it. \n\nI recently got into stuck and pokes (the first of the year) and I currently have 11 tattoos I’ve given myself. I’m afraid that once my head clears maybe I’ll regret it, but I truly love my tattoos, I just know that guilt likes to seep it’s way into all my happiness. I guess my question here though is how do you know when you’re doing too much? Like how do you know when you need to take a break from your art because you’re not sure if your vision is tainted? There’s also still that chance of creating something amazing in that mindset too. It’s all just so frustrating. ", "Artists, have you gotten back your love for painting? How? I've lost most of my pleasure in doing art and basically all else. It feels like hard work to push myself to derive enjoyment. I have depression which im taking something for but still. I want to get somewhere with my art, selling/exhibiting eventually but I have little ambition/drive to improve at all. My work ethic sucks and often when im painting something I just want it to be over with so I can go back to doing nothing. Has anyone else overcome this type of thing?", "Artists with depression My depression started after entering college, which still consists of periodically feeling low motivation, nihilism, and a general desire not to exist. As an artist these feelings translate over to zero inspiration and a massive artists block when I sit down with a pencil in my hand. There is nothing more frustrating than knowing you have the potential to draw these incredible things you see in your head but having an invisible wall blocking them from leaving through your fingertips. I've often heard that these blocks can be overcome by going somewhere new to allow new ideas to enter your headspace. Does anyone have other advice for scaling the creative-depression wall? \n\nHave a peaceful Sunday all ❤️ ", "Lost interest in my passion for art Drawing is such a big part of who I am. It's been so hard lately to find joy in it even after a long hiatus. Any other creatives struggling with depression have any advice on how to get back on track? Thanks for reading." ], "top_scores": [ 21.58579444885254, 20.436614990234375, 19.280309677124023, 19.059446334838867, 19.055959701538086 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The intersection of creative expression and the struggle to maintain artistic motivation while experiencing mental health challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.4699113828161053, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2332, "freq": 0.033547888188868925, "mean_pos": 3.211538553237915, "max_act": 8.628148078918457, "log_density": -1.4743348001586396, "top_texts": [ "I don't do AA... And doing it online sounds even worse than doing it in person. :)", "I'm extremely afraid of dating co-workers (\"Don't shit where you eat\") and dating apps are bad.", "What?! In a work environment!? This is why I work from home and avoid anyone other than my kids and husband. Having to put up boundaries when they should be obvious drives me insane!", "After reading about Lake&Ng I was equally if not horrified. My stomach twists when I read the names. The shit I read on the Wikipedia page alone will haunt me forever and the descriptions alone of the videos they took I still cannot get out of my mind sometimes.", "My drive is nonexistent, the protocol says 'avoid humanity'. Also the act is such a primitive thing and I see no difference as if it were monkeys. Disturbing, uncomfortable." ], "top_scores": [ 8.628148078918457, 8.25375747680664, 7.6818060874938965, 7.670095920562744, 7.31330680847168 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Aversion to social interaction and physical intimacy driven by disgust or fear of boundary violations.", "pearson_r": -0.034637552569291026, "pred_f1": 0.26666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8727, "freq": 0.033138490231309846, "mean_pos": 3.2213895320892334, "max_act": 8.918277740478516, "log_density": -1.4796672685429004, "top_texts": [ "Honestly, when its just not talking and not the slamming doors, i enjoy the silence. Its peaceful. My mum used to hit me... Till I slapped her back one day. She said 'how Dare I slap her' - when she had just slapped me. Cause once again, we cant treat them how they treat us... But the fact that your mum asked why you were mad, means she KNOWS shes weaponises her silence whens shes mad... And uses it against you. I hope you are able to get out soon. It may not help, but youre not alone in your struggles.", "when asked to talk through my feelings, I become involuntarily mute. now that i think about it, this is how it has been for a while. I had a bad day today, and could initiate crying basically whenever i felt like it. I’m asked what’s wrong after a particular breakdown - and i can’t speak. it’s frustrating because i’m only making myself more isolated and lonely, but it feels like my body shuts itself in and forces me to become mute. I feel physically unable to tell them what’s wrong (to be fair, there’s never really a good answer). \n\nso in short, whenever im upset i feel like i’ve become mute, which makes me only more frustrated and upset. does this happen to anyone else???\n", "Sometimes, it's nice to be silent and not talk unless approached. Means using less energy.", "I wish I could... but I have tinnitus... But complete silence? A dream", "I feel this. I have periods where I won't make any noise. I'll literally just sit in silence cause I'm so worried someone will knock on the door and I don't want anyone to know I'm here. Windows can never be open cause the wind might blow the curtain back and let the neighbors see in. Or they might be able to hear me. Just that they know I'm existing here is too much sometimes." ], "top_scores": [ 8.918277740478516, 8.817607879638672, 8.794671058654785, 8.318930625915527, 8.136567115783691 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the experience of elective or involuntary silence as a coping mechanism or trauma response.", "pearson_r": 0.298304027062381, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3813, "freq": 0.024632110446471216, "mean_pos": 4.298394203186035, "max_act": 11.835297584533691, "log_density": -1.6084983591617767, "top_texts": [ "But his dad is great, and supportive. Where did daddy issues come from?", "Scared of my father I don't know if it's right to post this here, but I hate my father so much. He always screams and shits around over everything. Whenever we talk, its always him talking and he never gives me the chance to, he treats me as if i'm a little girl and don't know shit. I can't look at him anymore, I don't talk to him that much anymore, just trying not to see him. It's kind of like I'm scared of him whenever I hear him talk. I can't stand him anymore 🥺😔 never had a nice father figure and prob never will.", "Told my dad about my struggles with school and depression And he said I wasted my potential. Said I should look for a retail job and get a manager job. Then he said I should look for a nice girl and settle down and he'd help with the downpayment for a home. Lol fml I'm 22 ffs. Shit sucks ", "Here is something my dad tells me that helps. Draw what you see, not what you know. It can be hard to learn the difference", "I relate so much to that little girl. For the longest time my dad was truly all I had" ], "top_scores": [ 11.835297584533691, 11.459542274475098, 11.423498153686523, 10.600545883178711, 10.579137802124023 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the complex emotional dynamics and interpersonal conflicts within the father-child relationship.", "pearson_r": 0.4938565368840273, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5731, "freq": 0.023062751609161415, "mean_pos": 4.574700355529785, "max_act": 16.43625259399414, "log_density": -1.6370888595900215, "top_texts": [ "How can I study for my exams when there is just so many event happenings all week title. First it was the death of Soleimani a day before my first exam, which resulted in wasting all day thinking and talking about possible war against US. \n\nThen Iran responds by attacking US base, but as if that wasn't enough a damn airplane goes down. Was it an engine failure? Anti-aircraft missile? who knows but could you focus on calculating the dynamic power usage of transistors instead of being glued to news and discussion forums day after day when your country is going through so much shit?\n\nSo yeah, I have another exam tomorrow (in about 9 hours) and haven't begun studying yet, I blame Trump.", "Got a final Exam on Friday, shaking with worry I'm in pretty deep in the whole PTSD thing. High TES, High Anxiety, High Depression. \n\nLast time I had a University exam I blew my lid and had a ton of flashbacks during, granted I was just uncovering the extent at the time after repressing it for 6 months. \n\nI'm worried it's going to happen again. \nStudying is already difficult, I barely get sleep, can't concentrate, when I do I just stare at a page.\n\nThe rational part of me knows I'll have tried my best fail or don't every single day is a fight. I take my pills, go to the gym, clean, practice hygiene, attend classes. \n\nI can handle failure, if I dropped put I could find some peace working the lowest job, eventually find my place. \n\nThese Grey areas terrify me. I can't deal with them. \nWhat do?\n\n ", "Fell asleep and missed a final exam after studying the whole night for it I am so broken. I was gonna fail some courses anyway because I couldn't drag myself to study for them but this one I managed to prepare quite well. I don't even know. I fell asleep just 40 minutes before the exam, after completing the revision. I don't how ill drag myself out of this one.", "I can not study at all. I don't know if I can post this in this sub, but here I go. \nSo, I don't know why but I can't study. Like, at all. \nIt's my final year in highschool and finals are coming up in 2 months. My classmates have no problem studying at all, and they make it look so easy. They study for over 5 hours every single day. But, I can't do that. I can't study for over 20 minutes without feeling anxious and sad because I can't understand anything. I am staring at the wall for a long period of time, while thinking about how sad I am, and thinking about the future and stuff. \nWhy can't I just study? What is wrong with me?", "i think i just fucked up i need to vent. \ni am in my 4th semester of Graphic Design. My mid terms are in the beginning of January. \ntoday we had the last regular exam. all the grades we get will determine wether i am accepted to do my mid terms. means that an F will make me repeat this semester. which is bad. \n\ni am so stupid, i tried to study for this exam. i procrastinated til last friday (which is actually quite good. used to procrastinate til the night before) so i had Fri+Sat+Sun+Mon to study. actually quite enough time. so i sat down and couldn‘t get this stuff inside my brain. after two hours i gave up and did something else. same goes for the rest of the days. Monday evening i said „fuck it i‘ll cheat“ and put all my material on my cell phone. \n\nnow today was the exam. i was able to cheat big time and was also able to answer some questions but i am absolutely certain that i did not pass. \n\nthis is not one of those „i failed but - oh it‘s a B“ things. i counted together the points of the questions i tried to answer and i don‘t think i made it. \n\nthe thing is: my grades up to that point were awesome! because i am studying a subject i am absolutely crazy about. but this exam was on a subject i hated. and because of this single exam i won‘t be able to do my mid terms. it‘s fucking crazy. i passed everything excellently this semester and now it‘s all over. i am so so disappointed in myself. why was i so incredibly stupid!?? i am speechless... " ], "top_scores": [ 16.43625259399414, 15.604413032531738, 15.252650260925293, 14.964144706726074, 14.665620803833008 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents academic performance anxiety and the inability to study due to mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.3764332586884931, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9484, "freq": 0.025086997065981304, "mean_pos": 4.198770523071289, "max_act": 15.718828201293945, "log_density": -1.6005513036666026, "top_texts": [ "What system do you use to organize stuff and help keep your shit together? I'm in serious need of some sort of...personal organizer/calendar/notes system, to keep all appointments in and to jot down stuff I need to remember. Nothing complicated or fancy, ideally free or low-cost, and preferably something less detailed than the typical day planner but more structured than freeform notes or blank pages. \n\nI have at my disposable a PC, tablet, phone (a basic budget Android smart phone). I'm also open to using journal/notebook/other paper systems as well.\n\nWhat do you guys use? Is it digital or analog? How does it work for you? What would you recommend for me based on the above criteria?", "How to make myself keep a diary (for appointments, not a journal) Hello redditors, I am a first time poster, but I've been lurking here for advice for a while.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nOne of the most helpful ADHD tips I've received was about Habitica, the habit forming, game playing app. Before I discovered it on this reddit group, I had real problems with keeping a to-do list. I would write myself a list, then promptly lose it or never look at it again. I was never able to keep one for more than a few days and they served no purpose whatsoever, it didn't stop me from procrastinating or forgetting. Habitica finally turned that around and by turning my to-do, daily tasks and habit lists into a game, I am finally able to start completing tasks more efficiently. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI was wondering whether anyone had any similar diary app or tips. I do the same with a diary as I used to do with a to-do list - I'll buy one and spend ages filling it out, then I'll lose it or never look at it again. People have suggested I use google calendar but the same happens really, I only very occasionally make an entry for my google calendar, and even when I do it serves no purpose because I don't look at it. It's very frustrating at work because I can never remember when my meetings are etc.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nHas anyone found a life changing life hack for keeping track of what's happening when?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThanks!", "There really needs to be an app for getting ready in the morning. Getting ready in the morning work for is THE WORST. My meds haven’t kicked in, I’m constrained for time, tired, and have a lot of things to do. \n\nThere should be an app (or is there already?) that has \n\n1)alarms that don’t let you snooze or sound an alarm every minute that you do snooze. \n\n2) countdown timer for each task you need to do (you have 5 minutes left to get dressed, etc.)\n\n3) countdown to when you have to leave. \n\n4) reminders for anything special you had to do or something you can’t forget. \n\nBasically I just need a fairy godmother nagging me on the morning.", "Remembering meds is hard. I made a reminder system, and I've never had a reminder system work this well (100%)! Maybe you guys will like it. :) So, my situation might be a little different from yours... In order to time my meds right, I have to take them while I'm at work. \n\n\n---**Tried**:\n\n1. Using an alarm on my phone --BUT-- sometimes my phone is dead or on vibrate and I don't notice it\n2. Always keeping my phone on 'sound' mode --BUT-- it's rude to coworkers/my students AND I found that I would just silence the alarm, and forget to take my meds anyway!\n\n\n--**Considered**:\n1. An auditory alarm on a timer --BUT-- if I was absent from work, it would go off all day and someone would have to break into my office to turn it off - too annoying\n\n\n--**Other issues**:\n\n1. Sometimes I don't have my phone with me - if it goes off and silences itself after a while, it's like the reminder didn't happen\n2. Sometimes when the alarm goes off, I'm not in a position to take my meds at that exact moment, but I have to silence it if I don't want to be rude, and then I instantly forget \n3. Sometimes I take my meds but later in the day, can't remember if I've taken my meds -- a phone alarm can't tell me whether I took my meds or not\n\n\n\n---**So, I needed a system that**:\n\n1. Was on a reminder/timer system\n2. Was silent \n3. I didn't have to silence immediately\n4. Could somehow indicate to me, later in the day, that I did, in fact, take my meds\n\n\n---**What I did**:\n\n1. Bought a light timer, like the [SunSmart Digital Timer by GE](https://www.homedepot.com/p/Defiant-Indoor-7-Day-SunSmart-Digital-Timer-15079/100685884?cm_mmc=Shopping%7cTHD%7cG%7c0%7cG-VF-PLA-D27E-Electrical%7c&gclid=Cj0KCQiAkNfSBRCSARIsAL-u3X_w3-mPiq48KofHERbTpaEsB3tVveUZF7qK6mfbzf8U7lekqkXiC9AaArc1EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CNaP2_LBzdgCFRi2yAodcOUJWw) (it's a programmable on/off switch that you can plug electronic devices into)\n2. Bought the cheapest little lamp I could find (it was actually cheaper to buy a separate lamp base & shade)\n3. Programmed the timer to turn on when I should take my meds, and off whenever it would be far too late to take them\n4. Set it up in my office at work \n \n\n---**How it works**:\n\n1. The lamp switch is always on 'on'\n2. The timer allows electricity through to the light every morning at 8:00 AM, when it's time for meds (for me, anyway)\n3. I (eventually) notice the light and remember to take my meds\n4. I take my meds (sometimes with a delay, if I need to finish something or if I'm not in my office when the light turns on)\n5. I re-set the timer's switch so that it's ready for the next day, and to indicate to myself that I did, in fact, take my meds - if the lamp is off, I've taken my meds\n\n\n--**Other problems solved**:\n1. If I'm absent from work, the cycle can still occur without irritating anyone\n\n\n--**TL;DR**:\n*I have not forgotten a single day of meds* since I set this reminder system up in my office. It's a lamp on a timer! That's all it is! :D\n\n--**Feedback Invitation**: \n\nWhat have I forgotten? Any other ways our ADHD might mess up this system? :)", "I need something that will remind me to do things at inconsistent times. Help? I have a med (not ADHD med) that I have to take twice a day with meals. I don't always consistently eat at the same time or really do anything at a consistent time, so alarms and reminders aren't helpful. My work schedule can be chaotic. I always forget to take my meds and often times when I remember it's been too long since I ate that I can't take them. Does anyone have any systems or strategies or apps that might help? Thanks. " ], "top_scores": [ 15.718828201293945, 15.167486190795898, 14.825411796569824, 14.7793550491333, 14.766876220703125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the practical management of executive dysfunction through external organizational tools and reminder systems.", "pearson_r": 0.5543320306264289, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5911, "freq": 0.02852139104328246, "mean_pos": 3.6698646545410156, "max_act": 10.54742431640625, "log_density": -1.5448292816966585, "top_texts": [ "Therapy Advice I have my very first Therapy appointment on the first of April. (Funny coincidence)\n\nDo you guys have some advice for me.\nI am going alone into this and I have so many things on my mind right now ._.", "How can I tell my parents that their \"advice\" is hurtful? I've just recently opened up to my parents about my years of depression, but they're not aware of how bad it's been. I don't think there's any point in scaring them with that knowledge, but I would like to figure out a way to get them to stop giving me advice about dealing with it. I know they mean well, but it makes me feel like screaming sometimes. I don't communicate well at all verbally, so I thought about showing them the following paragraph which I wrote during one of those brain-won't-shut-off kind of sleepless nights. Would it get my point across?\n\n\nDepression is like a bulldozer that runs you down and then reverses back over you, leaving you as flat as possible. Recovery feels impossible. Feeling feels impossible. \nThe way people react when you tell them about your depression makes you feel like you've asked them to hold your actual heart in their hands. They don't really want that responsibility. You can see the panic in their eyes as they frantically try to ground their minds and figure out how to protect themselves from your neediness. You can feel yourself being transformed into something fragile; a thin vase on the very edge of a shelf. One wrong breath on their part and you'll shatter. That's the view from their new eyes. But then something shifts, and they are certain they know the cause of the darkness in your mind. It's your religion...all that bowing and scraping to a cruel, selfish god. That would be hard on anyone, wouldn't it? Or no, it's the opposite; something sinful in your life, something unconfessed and toxic. Better repent of your sins or you'll always be like this. They know the answers and the solutions. Pray more. Quit church. Memorize bible verses. Love yourself more.\nEveryone seems to know what you need to do. They kindly share what has worked for them when they've been \"sad\". You know what sadness feels like. This isn't it. How do you explain that what you deal with goes beyond that? Beyond feeling a little low now and then? Your attempt to explain the difference comes out weak and halfhearted, because you know there is no use.\nThese people give advice, yes, because they are concerned, but they also now feel responsible for your mental health. And that's frightening. So they do their part, they push the vase back to safety by sharing advice and can now back away. It leaves you slightly amused. Their efforts are like spitting at a forest fire. \n\nThe numbness you feel is the worst. It's scary, but it's easy to hide, so you can slap a smile on your face and live another day in your shell of a body.", "Hi. So just like the title says, I’m looking for some advice on……Idk probably everything lol.", "Thanks a lot for your comment though. Ill try to keep a lookout for behaviour that might be confrontational. Sometimes i resist some advice that she gives me. Like: what dont you try to do that thing? I resist and saying i'm not ready for it, find excuses for not doing it, but is never hostile or confrontational. I think it's a reasonable advice but i just dont have the will to do it.", "to others in this thread that actually do give helpful advice and isn't defending my mom's 'choice' that affects other people, thank you so much and I will try apply these advices.\ni appreciate it." ], "top_scores": [ 10.54742431640625, 10.170365333557129, 10.166726112365723, 10.162105560302734, 10.126118659973145 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the active seeking, receiving, or navigating of interpersonal advice regarding mental health and personal challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.501131586644533, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2654, "freq": 0.03268360361179976, "mean_pos": 3.1957128047943115, "max_act": 9.685131072998047, "log_density": -1.485670051996265, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone else regularly find their cell phone in the refrigerator? Or is it just me? I tend to space out and set it down in the most random places.", "Finding reasons to be sad and down I've met a wonderful girl, she's absolutely incredible and I've never known anyone treat me with such kindness and patience when I get down and lose myself in my own head. But it's almost like it's too good, and I keep finding reasons to pick at things, things that shouldn't upset me, or hurt me but for some reason I convince myself they should, it's self destructive but I can't stop, I know I'm overreacting, and it feels like the longer things go great, the worse my reaction is, and I'm pushing away my chance at happiness because my brain has decided I don't deserve it, and keeps finding ways for me to pluck out a reason to feel hurt. Has anyone else experienced this? THe finding things to be upset about because actually in hindsight things are going really well?", "I couldn't find my phone. This morning, I was cleaning my bedroom on the second floor. I recently came downstairs to take a break and sit in the recliner to watch some TV with my SO. We started a new show and I kept thinking the main character looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. I then regretted leaving my phone upstairs because I wanted to IMDb this guy so badly. It was driving me nuts.\n\n10 minutes into the show and I couldn't take it anymore. \"I'm going to run upstairs for my phone and be right back.\" So, I get up there and don't see my phone anywhere. Maybe I left it in the bathroom? \"Hey, Google, where's my phone?\" I hear it ringing, but it sounds like it's coming from downstairs. \n\nI get far enough down the steps to see the recliner where I sat just a minute ago. My damn phone was sitting on the armrest. Well, least I wasn't carrying it in my hand when I went looking for it. Gah!", "Everything Happens for a Reason : Mental Illness, Tough Times, etc. What's your Reason? :) If you're a believer in the \"everything happens for a reason\" philosophy or general thought that you wouldn't be where you are now without enduring some hardships or mental illness in your life, what's the reason? What great thing is happening/has happened in your life that wouldn't have otherwise?", "Any stories of the time you lost something, and spent way to much time looking for it? I would love to hear your story of misplacing an important item. \n \nI just spent 2 hours outside searching for my phone. It's snowing and there is a high wind warning. \n \nMy phone was in the silverware drawer the whole time. Why am I like this?" ], "top_scores": [ 9.685131072998047, 8.771718978881836, 8.403451919555664, 7.7746171951293945, 7.750874996185303 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents cognitive lapses, absent-mindedness, and the misplacement of objects.", "pearson_r": 0.24459979523511421, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 468, "freq": 0.026542634248413584, "mean_pos": 3.920374631881714, "max_act": 14.550335884094238, "log_density": -1.5760559610108131, "top_texts": [ "I wish fantasy was real So tired of the real world. What a depressing, soul sucking place we live in. I want a world where i make the right choice more often, where i have the willpower to do things i don't want to do. \n\nI want the fantastic magic and talking creatures and the amazing plots to involve me. I love to read and watch fantasy, but its more and more painful the more i think about how much i want it, knowing its not going to happen.\n\nI'm tired of always making the wrong choice and never having the willpower to make myself do the things i need to.", "That is not exactly fantasy though. I do have social fantasies. They often (but not always) involve me being talented or sociable, and others enjoying what I share with them. Very self-involved, I know. That's fantasy land for you.", "For me, the fantasies inhibit me from doing something useful, or -even worse- make me do stupid things because the line between fantasy and reality gets a bit blurred. This is obviously a bad thing which I would like to change.", "Can't tell if it's real or imagined love I just wanted to vent and see if anyone could relate to this. \n\nBasically I really liked this girl. Girl didn't seem to like me back. I got depressed and I projected my feelings of this desperation for love onto a woman I could never have. I liked her out of necessity to keep myself afloat, but after a while I genuinely began to care for her. I think I truly began liking her because of my vivid imagination in which I built her up to be this woman who loved me back. Reality and illusion were completely confused, and I ended up liking her for about 2 years now. Tbh I don't know if I loved her or if I loved the fantasy I created with her. \n\nAnyway, turns out she's now engaged and my fantasy world crumbled. I have had to face reality, and my feelings have been so overpowering that I feel like I have to vomit often and my heart feels overwhelming pain. It's actually kinda scary. \n\nI've been working out and journaling to help, but I still feel hurt and empty. I have to see her every day, so I can't avoid her. \n\nHas anyone else been through something similar, where they became so in love in reality through fantasy?", "To answer your question, though, I do experience a rich fantasy life." ], "top_scores": [ 14.550335884094238, 14.077922821044922, 13.958625793457031, 13.516983032226562, 13.225099563598633 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents maladaptive daydreaming and the tendency to retreat into immersive, escapist fantasies as a coping mechanism for reality.", "pearson_r": 0.7049518771739403, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1466, "freq": 0.028157481747674393, "mean_pos": 3.665031671524048, "max_act": 15.100948333740234, "log_density": -1.5504061733104624, "top_texts": [ "I'v gotten the impression from some that they think having AvPD means they are an extroverted person locked inside because of AvPD but who's to say you're not an introvert who enjoys spending your time alone, it's fine being an introvert, you don't have to be outgoing and all that stuff. \n\n\nFor myself i had a hard time accepting that i am a somewhat introvert, i really like spending time with myself, however i do like doing stuff with others, and that's where the problems come out. ", "I suppose I do? The most extroverted person in my life is my niece. She loves to talk, which of course will wear me out after a little while. Thankfully she is caring and respectful, so when I say I need \"alone time\" or \"quiet time\" she is willing to oblige.", "Can an introvert have ADHD? Hey, I'm pretty introverted, since childhood, and I was wondering if introverts can have ADHD, like can naturally introverted people have ADHD?", "People who are shy and socially anxious are often introverted, but everyone who qualifies as an introvert isn’t necessarily shy or socially anxious. I am very outgoing and social but still greatly value my time alone. I process the world inside my own head and prefer to spend most of my time in thought rather than in conversation, but it’s not because I’m shy.", "I love the introverts in my personal life, but HOLY COW do they exhaust me like nothing else. " ], "top_scores": [ 15.100948333740234, 14.878954887390137, 14.1837797164917, 14.168713569641113, 13.644904136657715 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptual distinction between introversion and extroversion as personality traits.", "pearson_r": 0.4270713489651561, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6449, "freq": 0.0255873723474424, "mean_pos": 4.032606601715088, "max_act": 15.777528762817383, "log_density": -1.5919742939979487, "top_texts": [ "you talk like anyone can become truly self aware when he has a personality-disorder\n\nif you were self aware completely, you wouldn't had the pd to begin with\n\nunless you don't give a fuck ofc", "Some are assholes, some aren’t. A lot of that is dependent on their self-awareness.", "I feel like there's some kind of paradox here. There is a situational self-awareness as it relates to your surroundings and an internal self-awareness. I'd say I'm highly self-aware when it comes to my surroundings because I lack a narrative-self while my internal self-awareness is probably 0. A lot of neurotypicals have a higher internal self-awareness because they can process and experience their feelings and whatever have you but that doesn't translate over to situational self-awareness.", "Aware is completely free for people diagnosed with mental health problems Hello,\n\nI want to share with you all, on behalf of the makers of Aware Meditation App, that Aware is completely free for people diagnosed with mental health problems.\n\nAll one needs to do is write to contact@awaremeditationapp.com.\n\nAware is one of the highest rated meditation apps available on Google Playstore and Apple Appstore with a rating of 4.7 out of 5. In partnership with many NGOs and Self-help groups, we have helped 13499 students from across the globe fight their suicidal tendencies and depression in the year 2017.\n\nWe're extending and opening our community program and are making Aware totally free for people diagnosed with mental health problems. Please spread the word and help us to help people in need.\n\nRegards", "But yes, I believe you can be self-aware and have it. I'm still learning new things about myself every day." ], "top_scores": [ 15.777528762817383, 15.704578399658203, 13.427724838256836, 13.264384269714355, 13.063368797302246 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the conceptualization and evaluation of self-awareness in the context of mental health and personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.6632889270572977, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 274, "freq": 0.017695089498942388, "mean_pos": 5.797801971435547, "max_act": 17.458175659179688, "log_density": -1.7521472118854213, "top_texts": [ "is there a way to get over a delusion? I'm not diagnosed with anything because I've never seen a professional, but I've been having delusions since i was a kid. I've become aware of when a delusion is a delusion, for the most part, but I can't figure out how to NOT believe in it and forget about it. \n\ndoes anyone have any tips? it would be really appreciated.", "A delusion is when you still believe something despite evidence otherwise. It's not delusional to be jealous. You're being ignorant. Cut it out <3", "When you say delusions do you mean you believe these things and nobody can convince you otherwise, or you mean you strongly feel this is the case, but you or others can talk you out of these beliefs?", "Not really. depends on the delusion. One of my delusions surrounded the concept of a universe and every moment of my life so there was no excuse. My current delusion makes it so I’m safe during daylight around people but in the dark, especially alone, I’m in danger, so I get relief during the day and that’s it", "If you're aware of it and are aware of the logical fallacies behind it then it's not a delusion. Magical thinking maybe, but not delusion.\n\nPeople with delusions believe them as strongly as you and I believe the sky is blue, there's no questioning them or seeing logical errors in regards to them." ], "top_scores": [ 17.458175659179688, 17.33222770690918, 16.166927337646484, 16.080188751220703, 15.262091636657715 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization, identification, and clinical definition of delusions.", "pearson_r": 0.6987820801773917, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 822, "freq": 0.01833193076625651, "mean_pos": 5.469614028930664, "max_act": 14.757913589477539, "log_density": -1.7367917679226377, "top_texts": [ "I’ve read somewhere that paranoia is a symptom of bpd, but I might be wrong? I experience it A LOT when I go outside, especially sitting on the bus when there’s men on there, I’m scared they’re gonna hop off at the same stop as me and assault me. If I stay up too late at night I’m scared someone is outside and gonna break into my house.", "Heya I have been diagnosed with both PPD and generalized anxiety. The difference between the two for me are how specific they are. When I am paranoid, I have specific worry about being harmed which can lead me to doing avoidant or protective behavior. When I have anxiety, I tend to worry about more generalized things, like what people think of me or my own actions. They cross over in a lot of ways, they both can make me over generalize and fear about the future. Paranoia is just more specific to harm and fear of more serious actions against me, rather than anxiety which can make me fear how other perceive me.", "Can anyone help me manage the paranoia symptom of adhd? It doesn't matter what time, place or if I'm alone or not (though it's much worse if I'm alone) if I hear a noise outside of my eyesight I'm paranoid to anywhere from a new hours to the next day it's really messing up my sleeping schedule can anyone help me manage this?", "Paranoia anyone? So I am going through a bad spell with depression and major anxiety. I am going to Vegas with a friend on Tuesday, it's a once in a lifetime dream trip we've organised - flying to Vegas going to see Cher, grand canyon the works then off to LA where we'll set off on a cruise for 4 days - I mean what could be better? \n\nUnfortunately I am so ate up with anxiety that I feel like topping myself. All week I've been increasingly paranoid that my friend doesn't actually want to go with me, that she'll put me down, think I'm boring etc etc. There is no reason for this, she's a lovely girl who suffers with anxiety herself and has been someone I've spoke to about stuff in the past & we've helped each other. \n\nDoes anyone else suffer with paranoia alongside the depression? I have been taking the mini pill recently and my symptoms have gotten worse, I just read up on the side effects of this particular pill and apparently it has made a lot of women suffer mood swings, paranoia etc. So I'll be coming off that one. I just hate that I should be so excited about this trip and all I want to do is go to bed and hide under the covers. I hate this disease, it is eating me up inside and I just can't cope with it much longer. ", "I used to have extreme paranoia but while I was aware of it, I couldn’t lessen the terror or physical symptoms it caused me. There was always that tiny \"what if\" voice. That \"I know I’m paranoid but what if I’m right to be?\"" ], "top_scores": [ 14.757913589477539, 13.762598037719727, 13.645980834960938, 13.508567810058594, 13.364519119262695 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of paranoia and hypervigilance regarding personal safety or perceived threats.", "pearson_r": 0.3021000747801113, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5975, "freq": 0.019537380307958242, "mean_pos": 5.109640121459961, "max_act": 19.363176345825195, "log_density": -1.7091336473581877, "top_texts": [ "How do you stop lying? Brace yourselfs this is going to be a wall of text...\n\nEver since I have memory I've lied about the most weird stuff, I would make up anecdotes of \"friends\" which where completely false, just to appear interesting.\n\nI lied to my parents all the time, about my days in school, my days with friends (Wich themselves were lies, as I was a very lonely teen), I would make excuses to not eat, to not go out, I would lie about having a sore throat to not having to speak with anyone in Uni, lied my way out of it and now all I have, everything everyone knows about me is a lie, it has come to a point where I have become very depressed, but I lie Everytime even I think of the possibility of being depressed, as if that would cure it...\n\nNow am lost, in a sea of lies, where everyone I know thinks I am a completely different person, I've grown to be very believable with my lies, I can combine them and keep track of almost all of the lies I tell to everyone, but I always know that what they know about me is false, the thought of them knowing that everything I tell them is a lie breaks me every once in a while.\n\nNow, here's the thing, I've just given up in trying to be sincere with anyone, I have very low self-esteem to the point where I don't like who I am, so I lie to myself about who I think and wish I was, but I know I am not the one looking back a the mirror, it is the idea I want to have of myself.\n\nSo, back to the question, has anyone been in my spot, where everything everyone you know, know about you is completely fabricated? How do I stop? How do I tell the people who I've lied to that everything they know of me is a lie? This questions keep me awake at night, and they consume me day after day.\n\nI hate myself for doing this to them and to myself, but I've grown addicted to the feeling of being liked for something I'm not.\n\nHelp", "It’s different for everyone and I despise pathological liars btw. My ex was a pathological liar and I was considering killing her at one point I hated her that much. So needless to say I try to avoid lying as much as I possibly can but when I was younger the reason I did it was because my father was unpredictable and explosive with his moods so you never really knew what you were going to get out of him and once I learned that I could lie and get away with it and even turn his bad temper against the people in the neighborhood (which took it off of me) that was the main reason I started did it. If I wanted to do something or whatever I couldn’t just ask I had to create a whole scheme to make him think it was his idea all along. \n\nAs a grownup I have learned that people will respect you and take your word for things when you are honest and straight up so I try to be that way. I have little to no respect for liars and I realize how hypocritical that sounds but it’s the truth. The only time I have no problem lying now is like I had a friend who just wouldn’t get it, didn’t understand no. I could tell him and unless I kicked his face in with the truth he wouldn’t get it so it was just easier to lie to him and he knew I was lying but I just didn’t know what else to do with him so I just did what I had to do.", "My lies are getting out of hand I already lied about me graduating and going to college before and just told my family about it a few days before graduation but I apparently did it again.\n\nNow when I talk, I think about it first so that what I can actually say was the truth because apparently, it becomes a reflex or something of mine to lie. I dont know anymore. I already lied to everyone including my family and friends. Even a lady asking me for directions was lied to by me and she probably ends up asking another person. Now I’m completely holed up in my room and didn’t leave the house. I’m the oldest son in the family and now I did this. I actually want to end it all including me but the thing that stops me from doing it was because I will probably be freed but my family will not. They did nothing wrong to deserve this. They did nothing wrong to deserve me.\n\nI’ sorry I’m just blowing everything in my post. The reason why I posted was to seek knowledge or advice or whatever regarding this. I dont think that I’m getting excited when I’m lying but my heart was definitely pounding. That’s probably the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore cause When I’m happy, I just suddenly reminded of my deceit and wrongdoings that I don’t completely appreciate it. I just wanted to get it off my chest even if it is just in the internet. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I have no goals in life or something.\n\nIf you read this then thanks for wasting a little time to humour me and my story.", "I read a post where someone was asking advice on this and the top comment was that if you catch yourself lying, immediately say \"I don't know why I said that, I meant x instead\". A lot of people echoed this advice and said eventually the lying won't seem as natural when you constantly have to correct yourself.\n\nPersonally I could never do that, I imagine being caught in a lie would feel pretty bad and I wouldn't want to frequently be doing that to myself but it's probably also that I have no vested interest in changing, you might feel differently?\n\nThe only thing I can think of that I feel would work for me personally would be to just try to think things out before speaking. Not just lies but everything. I do this to an extent already because I can be unintentionally harsh in emotional situations. I feel like taking a bit longer to speak in those situations is okay for me because people know I'm cold and expect me to take a while to formulate responses but I don't know how well it would work for general conversation.", "Does anybody else find themselves lying a lot? I find myself lying allll the time about random shit. I’m not sure if this is apart of BPD or I’m just an impulsive liar/ manipulative as fuck. I find myself lying about the smallest stuff, But I also tend to lie about big stuff. For example; I used to tell my girlfriend that my roommates had girls over to get her jealous. I know this is extremely toxic and Id often ask myself afterwards “why did I just lie about that?” I usually would tell her later that I was lying and it never went over well. I read some stuff online that lying could be a symptom of BPD but there isn’t too much about it.\nNot only do I find myself lying a lot but also telling too much of the truth about different aspects of my life. Is it like this for anybody else?" ], "top_scores": [ 19.363176345825195, 18.588865280151367, 18.551424026489258, 18.384986877441406, 18.09209442138672 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the psychological construct of compulsive or pathological lying.", "pearson_r": 0.30044302022224656, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9718, "freq": 0.023381172242818476, "mean_pos": 4.262758731842041, "max_act": 18.893869400024414, "log_density": -1.631133700184535, "top_texts": [ "How to deal with impulsivity? How do you guys deal with this? I am so impulsive, and can’t help myself in that moment, whether it’s buying something I definitely don’t need, even if I know it’ll leave me financially short later. I also say things without thinking, make off the cuff decisions about big things and just generally go wherever my impulses take me. \n\nWhat tips do you have for dealing with this?", "Impulsivity Anyone else have a huge problem with being impulsive because of emotions? Then that behavior usually ends up affecting myself or people I care about in a super bad way. Had this problem my whole life.", "Impulse Control So, I'm normally a very responsible young adult. However, about once a month or every other month I find myself in a terrible situation. I go out on the weekend but I find my impulses taking over. Not turning a drink down or trying to get included so I don't feel left out. I stopped taking my meds bc I didn't like how I felt while on them. This has become a big issue with my significant other. Any ideas or thoughts on what other people have done in the past to help keep your impulses in check, and not letting yourself get carried away?", "It’s easy enough to say that and sometimes easy to recognize it in hindsight but do they see it in real time? Also not acting on impulses suggests control over them, people with impulse control issues often lack the ability to do that.", "Big win for me Hi folks, I love the support this sub shares with all of us. I wanted to share a big win for myself that just now occurred. \n\nI recently landed my dream job and and have acclimated to a new routine. While that routine was forming my impulsivity really skyrocketed. Nothing drastic, just flippant remarks or over-excitement or some awkwardness. \n\nWell the residual emotions from these impulsive episodes compounds and I started to get frustrated and down on myself. This also led to some isolation when I should have been making good first impressions. I would avoid meeting new people because I wanted to avoid the impulsiveness and the subsequent emotions. Still do this.\n\nHowever, today’s big win was having a lovely coffee chat with my director. I’ve been nervous that I’d make a fool of myself or say something that just didn’t come out right.\n\nDuring the coffee I remained focused, linear, and was not impulsive at all. Afterwards I didn’t have this regret or impending sense of doom that I usually get from meetings like this.\n\nAnyways, thanks for reading my lil story and I hope you have a lovely weekend!" ], "top_scores": [ 18.893869400024414, 16.668251037597656, 15.894922256469727, 15.713011741638184, 15.60977554321289 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with behavioral impulsivity and the lack of impulse control.", "pearson_r": 0.4883521379322637, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9474, "freq": 0.03143266540814702, "mean_pos": 3.1531848907470703, "max_act": 8.322636604309082, "log_density": -1.5026187765634895, "top_texts": [ "Maybe a life coach is a good idea. I have a friend who swears by it. Everyone has different needs.", "I actually got some good news for once and might have found someone who can help me maintain a streak of productivity. Without needing to form some kind of connection with them...", "I might try to get someone I know take this test as well. She works with people and has to be able to read the emotions of those people. It might be interesting to see how she scores.", "Do you have a friend that you could call and talk to?", "Thank you for your reply. It helps being able to talk to somebody" ], "top_scores": [ 8.322636604309082, 7.792639255523682, 7.486699104309082, 7.3193488121032715, 7.220958232879639 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of seeking or utilizing external interpersonal support systems for mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.3400680204068023, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8889, "freq": 0.021334182455023085, "mean_pos": 4.64385461807251, "max_act": 14.068632125854492, "log_density": -1.6709239746825224, "top_texts": [ "In its essence, I think STPD is characterized by a different pattern of thinking that at its best leads to creative, out-of-the-box ideas and at its worst is incredibly distracting to the point of being debilitating.", "I believe that like other StPD symptoms, interpersonal relationship issues are always present but fluctuate in intensity.", "If you think you have STPD, you should take the SPQ or SPQ-BR screening test. If you score high, then take it to your therapist, psychologist, etc and talk to them about it. They can talk to you about why you do or don't fit a certain diagnosis.", "FWIW I think I should clarify that I meant this is a snarky way. Of course I recognize that StPD is a serious disorder, but that it's frustrating to feel stigmatized by having people treat you like an acronym instead of a person with human traits and legitimate feelings.", "Sometimes with StPD it's really hard to get closer to someone because the more they know about you, the more they are able to harm you or judge you with what they know. \n\nSo there is that tension there between wanting a connection but also being afraid of it and pushing it away. Especially if he has had bad experiences in the past with those who showed interest.\n\nDo you know about any of his unusual interests? Something that he probably rarely gets to talk about with others in real life? I've noticed that I tend to mark those people as \"safe\" much more readily and can talk to them without so much self-censorship." ], "top_scores": [ 14.068632125854492, 13.299070358276367, 12.977032661437988, 12.311697006225586, 11.696590423583984 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical conceptualization and personal experience of Schizotypal Personality Disorder (StPD).", "pearson_r": 0.4579439252336448, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 193, "freq": 0.031136989105465463, "mean_pos": 3.1376147270202637, "max_act": 10.420835494995117, "log_density": -1.5067233713364765, "top_texts": [ "u are so bad ass oh my gosh, so aspd and intellectually superior\n\nkys", "thanks for admitting that my words hurt you\n\"instead of some doomer vibes\"\n\"i don't care at all, that's why i keep responding and justifying myself, i just do this for you\"\ntranslation: you got me triggered and baited then bullied so now i want compensation\nkys narc", "idc about how it looks dude, it's just internet idgaf\nstop bitching cause you're a snowflake\nand idgaf about narcs like you or normal fags, you are laughing stocks for wanting to be a disorder that makes you close to emotionally retarded\nkys", "meh, in your own case they are the same cause u are npd\nbut i will never convince u about that cause u dumb\nkys", "blah blah idc enough to know you dude, or how I look online to some retarded faggots that have nothing to do with my life\nyou are insecure for doing so, or you think that you got smth to gain from doing so\n1 or 2\nkys" ], "top_scores": [ 10.420835494995117, 9.782681465148926, 9.510430335998535, 9.172384262084961, 9.123040199279785 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies aggressive, hostile, and derogatory interpersonal conflict characterized by the use of \"kys\" (kill yourself) as a weaponized insult.", "pearson_r": 0.315389087689022, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8066, "freq": 0.02877157868401301, "mean_pos": 3.394775629043579, "max_act": 9.6913480758667, "log_density": -1.5410362928119279, "top_texts": [ "Beyond a shadow of a doubt. It's the hardest thing to do but it must be done, even if the outcome isn't what you hoped for or expected.", "I think it's the satisfaction from doing some form of \"this is hard\"", "Its feels right. Sure it is hard and it can be upsetting at times but in the long run is very powerful in terms of changing your behavior", "I know😖😵‍💫 But it’s just so difficult to delete things. Cause what if? Ya know?", "Permanent alteration of some behaviors is possible, but it’s damn hard. It’s essentially questioning the very foundation your self-worth is built on and rebuilding it to be more sustainable. That’s been the toughest part for me, at least." ], "top_scores": [ 9.6913480758667, 9.15746021270752, 9.099483489990234, 9.092204093933105, 9.091816902160645 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the psychological process of undertaking difficult, intentional behavioral change or personal growth.", "pearson_r": 0.30284800686977487, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8832, "freq": 0.028566879705233472, "mean_pos": 3.418409585952759, "max_act": 10.539206504821777, "log_density": -1.5441371788144256, "top_texts": [ "33 Foods That Fight Depression \n\nDepression is getting very common nowadays. There are various things that can lead to depression such as severe emotional tragedy (losing a loved one, relationship breakup, losing job etc), and genetic. Though there are many depression treatments here are foods that fight depression. In order to improve your mental health, focus on three things.\n\n&#x200B;\n\n* Healthy Diet and Routine\n* Proper consultation and medication\n* Adequate Sleep\n\n[Depression](https://www.ablogtohealth.com/what-is-depression/) is a kind of state in which a patient loses interest in almost everything. The bad news is depression can last longer but the good news is it’s completely treatable. Every day new health researches are made on the human body. In this article, I am going to share some of the very best and effective foods that fight depression.\n\n## How Foods that Fight With Depression\n\nFirst of all, let’s take a look at the nutrients essential to fight depression.\n\n#### B Vitamins\n\nB vitamins are essential for mental balance and well-being. These vitamins like vitamin B6, folate and pyridoxine can cause depression. Vitamin B6 helps to maintain balance in the neurotransmitters that control anxiety to keep you calm. Most vegetables and fruits like avocados, spinach, sweet potatoes etc can be useful to get vitamin B6.\n\n#### Vitamin E\n\nVitamin E is a popular antioxidant that helps to improve the body immune level. It effectively prevents infections and provides strength to red blood cells. Different foods such as nuts, seeds, wheat, fruits, and vegetables are rich sources of vitamin E. The vitamin is known as one of the most effective depression-fighting foods.\n\n#### Iron\n\nThe deficiency of iron can lead to depression. The lack of iron affects most people in the form of anemia. It is mostly present as a sign of PMS in the female. Iron-rich foods like green leafy vegetables, kale, cereals, meats, and legumes are some of the best ones.\n\n#### Omega 3 Fatty Acids\n\nOmega 3 essential fatty acids are available in fish (salmon, tuna), canola oil and nuts (walnuts). Such acids are best to fight depression. Including Omega 3 fatty acids rich foods can certainly help to get rid of depression.\n\n#### Calcium\n\nCalcium induces sleep naturally. People with low calcium suffer from depression and fatigue. You can get calcium from foods like broccoli, milk, dairy products, cheese, orange juice, and tofu.\n\n#### Carbohydrates\n\nCarbohydrates produce serotonin that helps to get a good mood. They also raise tryptophan level which helps to produce serotonin. Good carbs like cereals and whole grains are best foods.\n\n#### Zinc\n\nZinc is amongst crucial foods that fight depression. It plays a significant role in metabolism and digestion. Zinc also aids to fight fatigue. Best zinc sources include wheat germ, whole grains, and pumpkin seeds.\n\n#### Water\n\nWater is a natural solution for improving mind power, promoting a good mood, enhancing motor functions eradicating skin problems. It helps to flush out toxins from the body to remove the toxicity and improve one’s mood.\n\n#### Selenium\n\nSelenium is present in seafood, mushrooms, wheat, and poultry. It is amongst the best foods that fight depression. It helps to improve energy in the body and is also known for fighting against cancer.\n\n\\[su\\_note note\\_color=\"#0274be\" text\\_color=\"#d8d8d8 \n\"\\]\n\n## Best Foods that Fight Depression\n\n\\[/su\\_note\\] \nMajority of lean protein sources are best foods that fight depression. Turkey contains rich levels of a chemical known as tryptophan which fights depression. Tryptophan helps to stimulate serotonin which is essential for getting rid of depression.\n\n#### 01. Walnuts\n\nWhen consumed in moderation, most nuts are an ideal source of heart-healthy mono-saturated fats and protein too. Walnuts are one of the highest plant-based sources of the omega-3 fatty acids. Such acids help to support brain health perfectly.\n\n#### 02. Fatty Fish\n\nFatty fish such as tuna, mackerel, and wild salmon and bluefish contains a rich level of omega-3 fatty acids. The fatty acids present in these fishes are best for boosting brain function that helps to fight depression. Such food is also perfect for over a health. They reduce inflammation and improve circulation of blood in the body.\n\n#### 03. Low-Fat Dairy\n\nLow-fat cheese, yoghurt, skim milk and many other dairy products are loaded with vitamin D, calcium, and protein. These are best for the body in many ways like fighting depression.\n\nLow-fat dairy is one of the richest dietary sources of twp powerhouse nutrient vitamin D and calcium along with specific peptides (protein) that helps to induce a sense of relaxation and well-being.\n\n#### 04. Whole Grains\n\nWhole grains contain healthy, high-fibre carbohydrates which makes them the best foods that fight depression. Complex carbs are ideal foods to improve mood rapidly. Oatmeal, whole grains, sweet potatoes, whole-wheat pasta and brown rice are all wonderful foods that fight depression. They aid the body to produce serotonin.\n\n#### 05. Green Tea\n\nGreen tea is one of the richest sources of antioxidants. It contains amino acids “theanine” which helps to fight depression. Thiamine is naturally found in the tea leaves that promotes anti-stress relaxation benefit to tea lovers.\n\n#### 06. Turmeric\n\nTurmeric is found in many Asian curry dishes. This bold spice is an ideal food to boost your mood and has numerous health benefits. It is also known as one of the spices of life due to its anti-inflammatory properties.\n\nTurmeric has active compounds curcuminoids and turmerones. These active compounds are known for many health benefits.\n\n#### 07. Dark Chocolate\n\nDark chocolate is one of the best foods that fight depression. The dark variety helps to boost your mood. Dark chocolate aids to produce serotonin and also relaxes the blood vessels of your cardiovascular system. Such type of chocolate is extremely calorie-dense containing 150 calories per ounce. Eat just a small piece at a time.\n\n#### 08. Dark Leafy Greens\n\nDark leafy greens are amongst the healthiest foods available on planet earth. Spinach, Swiss chard, and kale are named to few. Greens like berries, beans, mushrooms, onions, and seeds are some of the most potent immune-boosting and anticancer foods.\n\nSuch greens help to fight against all types of inflammation. According to a study published in JAMA Psychiatry, severe depression is linked to brain inflammation. Dark leafy greens are very important as they have oodles of minerals, vitamins like A, C, E and K along with phytochemicals.\n\n#### 09. Avocado\n\nAvocado contains healthy fat that helps to boost brain health. It has oleic acid that supplies strength to the brain. An average avocado contains 4 gram of protein which is higher than other fruits. It is also loaded with various types of vitamin B9B5, B6, B9), vitamin K, vitamin C, and vitamin E12. They are high in dietary fibre with low sugar.\n\n#### 10. Berries\n\nBlackberries, Blueberries, Strawberries, and Raspberries are few rich antioxidant foods. Antioxidants work like DNA repairmen. Not only fix your cells but also prevent them from cancer and other diseases.\n\n#### 11. Mushrooms\n\nMushrooms are best for mental health in two ways.\n\nFirst, the chemical properties of mushrooms oppose insulin to lower blood sugar levels and elevate your mood. Just like probiotics, they promote healthy gut bacteria.\n\nSecond, never cells in gut prepare 80 to 90 per cent of the body’s serotonin which is one of the most crucial neurotransmitters. So we can’t afford to neglect the importance of intestinal health.\n\n#### 12. Onions\n\nOnions and other allium vegetables like leeks, garlic, spring onions, shallots, and chives are linked to minimize the risks of many types of cancer.\n\nFoods like onions have anti-inflammatory flavonoid antioxidants which contribute to anti-cancer properties. There is a strong bond between the digestive tract and the brain. Thus, onions help to fight depression.\n\n#### 13. Tomatoes\n\nTomatoes contain a rich level of alpha-lipoic acid and folic acid that helps to fight depression. A study proved that folate deficiency in depression patients was found mainly.\n\nFocus acid prevents an excess of homocysteine which is the main cause of restricting of essential neurotransmitters production such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine in the body. Alpha-lipoic converts glucose into energy to stabilize mood.\n\n#### 14. Beans\n\nBeans are good for a healthy heart. They are also known as weight loss and anti-diabetes foods. Beans are ideal for your mood as our body digests them slow to stabilize blood sugar levels.\n\n#### 15. Seeds\n\nChia seeds, hemp seeds, and flaxseeds are amongst good foods that fight depression as they are loaded with omega-3 fatty acids. The fat present in these seeds improves the absorption of protective nutrients vegetables consumed in the same meal.\n\n#### 16. Apple\n\nApple is probably one of the best foods that fight depression. This fruit is loaded with antioxidants which prevent and repair oxidation inflammation and damage on the cellular level. Apple has soluble fibre which helps to balance blood sugar swings.\n\n#### 17. Mussels\n\nMussels are high with naturally occurring levels of vitamin B12 on earth. Vitamin B12 helps to insulate brain cells and keeps the brain sharp. Mussels contain the trace nutrients selenium, iodine, and zinc which keeps mood-regulating thyroid on a level. Mussels are also rich in protein with low calories and fats. These properties make them one of the healthiest and nutrient-dense seafood.\n\n#### 18. Swiss chard\n\nThe leafy green is loaded with essential minerals like magnesium which is important to the biochemical reactions in the brain. It helps to improve your energy levels.\n\n#### 19. Blue Potatoes\n\nBlue potatoes are not common but they are ideal for improving brain health. They get the colour from anthocyanins which are a strong antioxidant that provides neuroprotective benefits such as reducing mood-killing inflammation and bolstering short-term memory. The skin of the blue potato is rich in iodine which helps to regulate your thyroid.\n\n#### 20. Grass-Fed Beef\n\nSuch type of beef contains a “happy fat” known as CLA (conjugated linoleic acid). This type of fat not only fights stress hormones but also blasts belly fat. Grass-Fed beef has lower fat count with higher amount of omega-3 fatty acids which are good for the healthy heart. Lamb is another ideal grass-fed option which has a rich level of iron. Iron is essential for stabilizing mood.\n\n#### 21. Green Yogurt\n\nGreek yoghurt has more calcium than regular milk or yoghurt. Calcium alerts the brain to produce feel-good neurotransmitters. Improper calcium intake leads to slow thinking, depression, anxiety, impaired memory, and irritability. This type of yoghurt has more protein as compared to regular yoghurt.\n\n#### 22. Asparagus\n\nAsparagus is one of the best plant-based sources of tryptophan. Tryptophan promotes serotonin creation in the body. This vegetable also contains rich levels of a protein that fights depression.\n\n#### 23. Honey\n\nHoney contains beneficial compounds such as quercetin and kaempferol that helps to reduce inflammation and keep the brain health. Using honey regularly ensures to get rid of depression.\n\n#### 24. Eggs\n\nThe egg is loaded with omega-3 fatty acids, vitamin B, zinc, and iodide. They are rich in protein and keep you full and energized for a long time. Whether you are looking to get rid of depression, weight loss or build some muscle, the egg is effective for all health and fitness goals.\n\n#### 25. Coconut\n\nCoconut has fats known as medium-chain triglycerides which help to keep the brain health and promote better moods.\n\n#### 26. Red Peppers\n\nRed peppers are higher nutrient sources with an excellent amount of vitamin C and vitamin A. A decent survey on nutrient density proved that peppers are amongst the most potent leafy greens. The rich amount of vitamins improves the mood directly and also boosts the immune system.\n\n#### 27. Pumpkin Seeds\n\nPumpkins seeds are a perfect source of amino acids known as tryptophan that aids in producing serotonin in the brain.\n\n#### 28. Chamomile Tea\n\nChamomile tea is popular for improving healthy sleep. It also improves cognitive properties during the day.\n\n#### 29. Blueberry Juice\n\nDarkly coloured berries help to lose weight. They decrease the formation of fat cells by up to 73% which can improve your mood alone. The berry family contains a rich amount of vitamin C that fights depression.\n\n#### 30. Canola Oil\n\nCanola oil is one of the best and cheapest sources of omega-3 fats. Using this oil helps to elevate your mood.\n\n#### 31. Bananas\n\nBanana is a rich source of dopamine also known as “the happy hormone”. Using banana in routine diet can be effective to get rid of depression.\n\n#### 32. Oysters\n\nOysters are an ideal source of zinc which is an essential mineral to promote the healthy immune system. Low zinc level can be the reason of depression. Being a rich source of zinc, oysters can be one of the best foods that fight depression.\n\n#### 33. Bacon\n\nBacon contains a rich level of amino acids that helps to fight against depression. You can enjoy it in moderation. Some other foods that fight depression are:\n\n&#x200B;\n\n* Grapefruit\n* Broccoli\n* Guava\n* Whole Milk\n* Strawberries\n* Papaya\n* Tuna\n* Apricots\n* Peaches\n* Liver\n\n## Useful Tips\n\n&#x200B;\n\n* Remember there is nothing you can’t achieve once you aim for it.\n* Depression is linked with darkness, so whenever you are depressed to get outside and get some sunlight.\n* Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Consult your doctor, family member, close friends or someone you trust.\n* Depression is immobilizing. So try to move whenever you feel you can. A morning walk, evening walk etc can be some of the best ways to keep you moving.\n* Things will be harder but stay positive and strong. Depression is just an illness which is curable with proper diet, consultation, and positive thoughts.\n\nSource: [https://www.ablogtohealth.com/33-foods-that-fight-depression/](https://www.ablogtohealth.com/33-foods-that-fight-depression/)", "They don't actually know what causes brain cancer but mental illnesses don't cause cancer as far as I know.", "* Stress relief\n* Improved mood\n* Increased energy\n* Higher pain tolerance\n* Reduced risk of prostate cancer\n* Relieving period cramps\n* Improved pelvic floor strength\n* Improved sleep\n* Can improve libido", "Could you explain more on lithium being beneficial for the brain? I’ve never heard of that but I’m really curious", "All I can say is that radiation treatment can cause lasting damage to the brain and not just short-term. Radiation can kill cancer cells but also can kill brain cells and some of that damage won't get repaired. So I really would suggest doing some research first into whole brain radiation therapy." ], "top_scores": [ 10.539206504821777, 9.352936744689941, 8.983466148376465, 8.124030113220215, 8.057008743286133 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of biological, medical, and physiological perspectives on mental health and brain function.", "pearson_r": 0.34708155575005634, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9093, "freq": 0.02531444037573635, "mean_pos": 3.8289918899536133, "max_act": 11.866366386413574, "log_density": -1.5966316519276242, "top_texts": [ "Yes!! \nI tend to just avoid eye-contact in general, but then I'll glance at something I didn't mean to. Sometimes I'll glance at a part of someone's face, and then they'll touch that spot, as if they're wondering if something was there, and that's why I was looking. It's so awkward.", "Anyone else see things out of the corner of their eyes? Hello, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalised anxiety disorder.\nI see things moving out of the corner of my eyes alot, sometimes it's in the shape of a human figure other times it's just black shapes it use to other happen every now and again but now it is happening everyday, multiple times a day and they freak me out. \nI was wondering if anyone else experiences these", "Hyper-vigilance and hyper-active peripheral vision Whenever I'm in a class or something. I'm always... focusing on one person with my peripheral vision. I'm focusing on them so much, I can't even see what's directly in front of me. It pisses me off, and I'm sure it pisses them off too. I don't even want to be looking at them through my peripheral vision, but I almost can't stop and I'm kind of afraid they'll \"catch me\" looking at them. Or... it'll annoy them bad enough to spark something. Do you guys have any thoughts? ", "Seeing people Whenever I close my eyes or sometimes with open eyes also, I see someone trying to kill me. Like if I am sleeping on bed I expect someone to kill me from the other side. It’s really messed up. Is this schizophrenia ? ", "I want to say that a new pair of eyes would be a great thing, but I'm honestly not sure whether I'd like seeing as much as that would allow me to see. It's nice being able to just switch off when looking at things becomes a burden. :)" ], "top_scores": [ 11.866366386413574, 11.475739479064941, 11.332300186157227, 10.983866691589355, 10.901726722717285 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of visual disturbances, hyper-vigilance, or intrusive visual perceptions related to anxiety and paranoia.", "pearson_r": 0.6032771183846684, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 941, "freq": 0.029522141606204654, "mean_pos": 3.2588634490966797, "max_act": 8.380949020385742, "log_density": -1.5298521262431743, "top_texts": [ "I just feel like I do it too often, that's all.", "any way. I'll do the procedure. I always do. cheers if you read this. I'm just saying my frustrations out into the void.", "You feel however in the hell you like! Don't worry about what anyone else may think. Do you enjoy it? Do long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, do it.", "Yup, I always felt like my life was an elaborate performance- it's so hard to even be my own person and di what I like because I want mom's approval.", "...Probably because I pull the same shit around my own house and kinda feel like this is something I'd do in the store..." ], "top_scores": [ 8.380949020385742, 8.292410850524902, 8.176374435424805, 8.07790470123291, 7.608608722686768 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the internal conflict and self-consciousness associated with performing or justifying personal behaviors to others.", "pearson_r": 0.0469507045515361, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5041, "freq": 0.023540382559647008, "mean_pos": 4.075074672698975, "max_act": 12.998719215393066, "log_density": -1.6281864651764804, "top_texts": [ "Psychosis symptons are caused by too high dopamine levels. Opposite of what you said. Anti-psychotics work by decreasing dopamine levels.", "yeah it doesn't make any sense for them to prescribe APs for drug Induced psychosis... but I guess nothing those idiots do make sense", "OP doesn't need APs at all for drug Induced psychosis. Drug Induced psychosis is supposed to wear off on its own... they should come off all together", "Absolutely not, and never will unless I absolutely *have* to, which hopefully will never happen.\n\nAs I've always said, APs are severely overprescribed, are very toxic, they don't have any justifiably redeeming benefits for people who aren't in florid psychosis or at constant risk thereof (such as actual schizophrenics, full-blown), and they're probably overkill for many if not most schizotypals. The thing that really upsets and worries me about how flippantly they're still prescribed as a panacea for any kind of severe mental illness (real mental illness, not this \"depression and anxiety\" BS--i.e. normal human response to stressors and an insane dystopia) is that they can actually *cause* psychotic symptoms in those not already psychotic, through rebound and I believe other mechanisms. I suspect that for many people, this becomes a self-reinforcing vicious cycle--they didn't need APs in the first place, were Rxed them, developed psychotic symptoms as a result, which in turn are interpreted to justify the prescription...\n\nEven high-dose hydroxyzine gave me some very weird experiences that substantially crystallized my positive symptoms all of a sudden, which verged on the quasi-psychotic. Not a road I want to go down. If you're one of those poor souls who truly needs them to not be a constant risk to yourself and others, that's one thing, for people with neurodegenerative schizophrenia they're necessary, but if not, I'd recommend taking a hard look at the risks--it's probably not worth it. At least long-term.", "I’m on a lot of meds. I guess it’s finally time to raise the dose of my antipsychotic because psychosis is coming back…" ], "top_scores": [ 12.998719215393066, 12.057817459106445, 11.808873176574707, 11.414742469787598, 11.34309196472168 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents discourse regarding the use, efficacy, and medical necessity of antipsychotic medication.", "pearson_r": 0.6494514051734225, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7541, "freq": 0.02797552709987036, "mean_pos": 3.3976261615753174, "max_act": 10.052254676818848, "log_density": -1.5532217064548466, "top_texts": [ "I like physical intimacy, it feels good and it's probably the only way that I could express affection comfortably, since I really don't care for the emotionally intimate ways to express affection (buying a thoughtful gift, sweet-talking, etc.)", "Tricks for expressing thoughts in a more orderly manner? I think you all can relate to the feeling of having a complex set of thoughts in your head that you want to express, yet are unable to. The second your mouth opens, the whole string of thoughts that were perfectly cohesive in your head suddenly seem like a complete jumble.\n\nYou stammer out something, but the words don't explain what you were thinking. So you have to try again. And again, and again. And suddenly you have spoken for 10 minutes and not said a single comprehensive thing and you leave embarrassed, feeling that not only did you make a fool out of yourself, but you never even got to share what you meant to share.\n\nDoes anyone have good tricks on how to alleviate this thought/word salad problem? It's the cause of so many of the problems I have in professional and personal relationships.", "I don't know how to show affection (bit of backstory) i meet a guy who ends up being The Best. i move in with him. he had lost his job and couldn't find work in our city. he got a really well paying job about 4 hours away and is moving there while i stay here w his animals\n\n(heres the actual part of the post) although im okay with being physical (which is honestly a huge improvement for me) i just cant say how i'm feeling at all. he says all these nice things, but i dont know how to say nice things back. i showed no emotion when he had to go today until i closed the door and he left.\n\ni think this is more venting than anything bc i dont think this is something that can be fixed i'm just kinda tired and dont know what im thinking", "I noticed that I can have some trouble getting started on putting my thoughts into words, both spoken and written (although the former more than the latter), so taking some time to use the preferred form of communication to give the required form a small boost could help.", "I tend to vocally stim a lot more when I'm happy, when sick I can't barely get the words out" ], "top_scores": [ 10.052254676818848, 8.960664749145508, 8.903868675231934, 8.49211597442627, 8.264620780944824 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Difficulty with verbal communication and the expression of internal thoughts or emotions.", "pearson_r": 0.3178518210236127, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5168, "freq": 0.020811062842586485, "mean_pos": 4.538092136383057, "max_act": 15.570478439331055, "log_density": -1.681705718483439, "top_texts": [ "My sharp hearing has never been of advantage to me... I would just like to listen to music without wanting to claw my ears off", "Not because it was bad or anything, I was just being overwhelmed by the music. It wasn't until years later that I discovered I had an issue with loud noises being overwhelming and discovered I could just stuff napkins in my ears lol", "I can’t do white noise because it’s a million different sounds at once which overwhelms my brain, but I can do rain or underwater. It’s very quiet, once in a while sound, and that works. I can’t listen to music for too long because my head is already chaotic and loud and colorful and music can add an overwhelming amount of noise and color.", "Even now I have to stuff napkins in my ears when I forget my ear plugs. The sound is just so overwhelming.", "It would depend on the person, the cause and the severity of the issue I think. Therapy, ear plugs, headphones or other tools could help if they work for the person." ], "top_scores": [ 15.570478439331055, 14.639119148254395, 13.693524360656738, 13.53853702545166, 13.529521942138672 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Sensory processing sensitivity and auditory overstimulation.", "pearson_r": 0.4706952665352311, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4149, "freq": 0.02449564446061819, "mean_pos": 3.7529802322387695, "max_act": 15.506913185119629, "log_density": -1.6109111123908915, "top_texts": [ "39 and I don't like people randomly touching me. Hugs depends who it is and how well I know them. In relationships it takes me awhile to get used to all the hand holding and cuddling.", "Since hugs themselves aren't the issue and it's more that hugs aren't normalized, you could take steps towards trying to normalize hugs in your friend group / in your environment, if you wanted to. If you did, then after a while that uncomfortable feeling would go away. I'm not saying you'd be cool with hugging strangers, but you'd be able to show platonic affection to your friends without it feeling weird, y'know? You'd essentially just be learning a new type of hug lmao", "Direct physical contact in general was always an issue for me but I had to sort of force myself to learn to both give and receive hugs when it was necessary.", "Personally I find that physical touch is tolerable to a certain point. If I'm being hugged, for instance, I have to figure out how to respond since I'm not feeling that dopamine rush you're supposed to feel when someone hugs you, and at some point that sensation of not-feeling becomes intolerable. But if it's just a tap on the shoulder or whatever, it doesn't bother me.", "Haha not me! I was so abused as a child that I now flinch and recoil from physical contact. Hugs feel like I'm being trapped instead of held. 😎😎" ], "top_scores": [ 15.506913185119629, 15.251415252685547, 14.082152366638184, 13.498251914978027, 13.362249374389648 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Aversion or discomfort regarding physical touch and intimacy.", "pearson_r": 0.5409537298888264, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 174, "freq": 0.017990765801623947, "mean_pos": 5.09381103515625, "max_act": 15.787240982055664, "log_density": -1.7449503257807988, "top_texts": [ "Dating sucks Anyone feel like you have trouble dating? I am in the process of getting diagnosed and I feel like my motor mouth, general all over the place vibe, and tendency to interrupt turns so many people off. Just had a date last night and I could tell how turned off she was. Hits hard.", "Any tips on dating with depression? I could use anything at this point please and thanks :)", "That's why i dont suggest \"dating\" in the commonly accepted interpretation if you have AvPD. You are taking a too long step and could end up being too hurt too soon. Expecially with dating site, which is mostly, even for normal people, useless for man and unsatisfying for women . But if you are in a good mental state and feel like you are open up and in the path to recovery, sure, go for it.", "I fear for the fact that I could not give less of a shit about dating.", "Thank you OP. Your words brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know who you are or why you’re doing this kind gesture, but you’re the real MVP here. \n\nWhen my depression isn’t getting the best of me—I can see things more clearly. I’ve always gotten good grades. I do “well”. I’m funny and witty/quick thinker. Im a good friend. I will listen to the things you say and sometimes I’ll randomly surprise you with a small gift. Something that relates to a thing you told me that one time. \n\nI know that I deserve better, I just can’t believe that I deserve better. All the affirmations in the world don’t work. I rely too much on outside validation. I know it’s all trauma related but I hate that my trauma changed who I am—or was. I have to mourn the little girl that was and clap for the woman that is. \n\nDating just sucks cause I don’t think I’m insecure necessarily. But when I go on a date the guy thinks I have no confidence because of my anxiety. And I only have anxiety because I am hoping I don’t fuck up the whole thing. And that’s exactly what I do. Most people are attracted to confidence—not people who don’t know wtf is going on lol. \n\nDespite it—I still try to date. My last date went well. I don’t know how to “act” though. I don’t know what proper dating etiquette is. If I text him too much will he think I’m too easy and clinging and become turned off? If I text him too little will he think I’m not interested and lose interest? Ahhhhh! It gets so exhausting. But I graduated top 10 of my graduating HS class. I did well in college and got a lot of BS awards. I got my credential and now I’m a teacher. And sometimes it’s surreal. Like. Who the fuck let me fall through the cracks and become and actual teacher, to kids? A CAREER! That blows my mind sometimes lol. \n\nThank you again OP. You deserve all the good things in life. You’re a sweetheart in a sea of assholes." ], "top_scores": [ 15.787240982055664, 14.603462219238281, 14.33827018737793, 14.247021675109863, 13.873311042785645 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of romantic relationship struggles and the impact of mental health conditions on dating experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.3536301415744435, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4890, "freq": 0.016944526576750746, "mean_pos": 5.351942539215088, "max_act": 19.91722297668457, "log_density": -1.770970535039668, "top_texts": [ "DAE have fictional relationships with people / fictional characters? I've always had them; not as much in the past year but I get into these extensive romantic fantasies with characters from video games, movies, my own OCs, etc. and I often feel legitimate connection with them (until they get boring...) \n\nMaybe I'm just really, really lonely.", "DAE gets attached to one gender or sex in particular? Literally every person I've ever gotten super attached to from age 2 to 17 have been women older than me. From 17 until now, it's been only men, most around my age. I'm aromantic, asexual. So it's not attraction at all for the men. For the women, I think it's because I lacked a good mother figure in my life. Mine was abusive and did not show any affection whatsoever. But the men? I have no clue. I want everyone to be my big brother. It's weird.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nCan anyone relate?", "DAE put other people's happiness above their own, even if it is detrimental to their own, like so long as they are happy, your own feelings don't matter.", "DAE block their fp? How did it go? Did you regret it or was it better without them?", "DAE feel smothered and stressed in relationships The one major factor that makes me feel a little outcasted is the way I am in relationships. Usually I will be with someone, and a couple of months in I lose all of my libido, and my desire to be around them. Im super intense when I first meet people and after a couple of interractions I usually have fallen head over heels for them. This soon wears off and I get really stressed about interactions with them and I start to intently pick at small things they do and how much they anger me. \n\nWhere I begin to really feel different to others in this thread is when I look at my current relationship. Everytime he calls or texts me I get unmanageably mad because I feel smothered or like I have to put in this effort of upholding a conversation and stress out about having to keep my focus on what he's saying and not get distracted. He's such a lovely guy which makes me feel even worse, because I almost know he won't leave me no matter what I do so there's no real fear of abandonment, I just feel guilt and self loathing in relationships, I know I'm the toxic partner, but I can't stop doing toxic things and I do them more when I'm feeling worse about myself.\n\nThis is only my second LTR my first lasting 5 years (self blame for him cheating on me, real fear of abandonment with him) and this relationship is only young - 6 months. Sometimes I fear I don't actually love my boyfriend, and I just stay with him to not feel completely alone.\n\nGod that's so horrible, he doesn't deserve this. " ], "top_scores": [ 19.91722297668457, 18.799840927124023, 18.650516510009766, 18.56768226623535, 18.305877685546875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures patterns of maladaptive interpersonal attachment, relational intensity, and emotional dependency.", "pearson_r": 0.15996644445231892, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3981, "freq": 0.02724770850865422, "mean_pos": 3.252901554107666, "max_act": 7.8795647621154785, "log_density": -1.5646699994262852, "top_texts": [ "I did not talk about obsession at all during the lecture or corporal punishment. I thought it was strange and confusing that he brought those things up. I think he does enjoy making me uncomfortable. I’m going to set up a meeting with the chair of my department today to discuss my options. Were there any administrative actions you took that helped decrease the stalking in your case? ", "Today I got to my son's preschool, started walking him to his class, looked down to see...he had no shoes Yeah. Had to drive all the way back and I was late again, of course. His shoes were by the door. I never know what to say to his preschool teacher when we're because I feel like if I told her the real reasons she would be concerned lol. I'm not actually dumb, but I'm sure countless people interacting with me think so", "Kizik - Hands Free Shoes Walking down the street a video in a shoe store window caught my eye. They are supposed to endure the wear and tear of just shoving ones foot in. No laces, no shoe horn, no sliding your finger in to peel back the heel to fit your foot in, no crushed or broken down backs of your shoes.\n\nDidn’t buy them, but I’m intrigued.", "They’re out of town. I live in a pretty safe neighborhood, so I left the door unlocked for 30 minutes while I went on a run earlier. I always do that. Now I’m wishing I didn’t. Called two of my friends, but it’s late and they’re asleep.", "My small adventure getting slippers First attempt to go grab slippers from my bedroom:\nI turn off the light and close the door and walk away.\n\n\nSecond attempt:\nWalk in, put on chapstick (right next to my slippers on top of the dresser), turn off the light, close the door, walk away\n\n\nThird attempt:\nFrustratedly walk in while muttering slippers, slippers, slippers to myself, finally grab my slippers" ], "top_scores": [ 7.8795647621154785, 7.42831563949585, 7.251222610473633, 7.227049350738525, 7.173595905303955 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of daily executive dysfunction and the frustration of managing routine tasks.", "pearson_r": -0.32375985924363304, "pred_f1": 0.2222222222222222 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5612, "freq": 0.016102986330657085, "mean_pos": 5.502764701843262, "max_act": 19.95192527770996, "log_density": -1.7930935487587518, "top_texts": [ "This week is my birthday but I don't feel like doing anything Hello,\n\n\nAs the title says, my birthday is less than 7 days from now and I haven't even thought of any activity to celebrate it.\n\n\nI'm feeling really depressed as my birthday comes closer and closer and I wish I could just sleep through all of it.\n\n\nAny advice would be greatly helpful.", "Hey, you're not alone. I have had lonely birthdays where i just kind of cried because I had no one to celebrate it with. Just know, you're not alone. I'm sorry for how you're feeling. Happy birthday, dear one. Peace and love your way!", "This is the first year I've made close, genuine friends since middle school, and also the first time that any friends want to celebrate my birthday. And Im not looking forward to it at all. It's my first year of college and I've finally made genuine friends after a long phase of being a loner and depressed. This is the first time in recent memory that anyone wanted to celebrate my birthday (outside immediate family members, who only do it out of convention and etiquette; typically it's just going out to eat whatever the hell they want so they can take instagram pics of the food), let alone 4 friends. I wasn't planning on telling them about it at all, but it slipped in conversation, and all day today they've been asking what I wanted to do for my birthday and/or if I wanted to eat something in particular, and so on. My birthday is 8 days away, yet the fact that they care so much to the point where they want to go out of their ways to plan something actually makes me a bit emotional thinking about it. I told them it didn't matter to me and that they should pick whatever they thought would be good, but they refused and kept telling me that I **needed** to be the one to pick since its my birthday. Again, I felt incredibly touched at hearing this, it's like I was in another universe or something - I was not familiar with these kinds of friendships at all. \n\n\nExcept I feel like I don't deserve any of this; like a huge overwhelming burden falling onto me; like I'm supposed to put on a front and act ecstatic when the day comes. I don't know what it is, maybe it's a biproduct of years of feeling neglected and maybe I've developed some degree of cynicism, but I genuinely don't feel like a birthday is anything worth celebrating. I feel like it's just any other day, and that them planning all this is just gonna make me feel like even more of a buzz kill when the day comes. But funny enough, when any of **their** birthdays come around, I'd probably be the first one to start planning some sort of party or activity. As far as what I want to do on my birthday, I literally don't know, and I don't think anything special is worth doing, which they'll be disapointed to hear. \n\nFrom what I can tell, the reason they wanted to be friends with me in the first place is because I'm super good at listening, being down to earth, helping them with their problems, and even being really funny at times. However, I know for a fact that when I become the centre of attention, I won't be able to handle it and I'll end up completely killing the mood because of how burdensome I feel towards them.\n\n\nMainly just a vent thread, not sure where I was going with this, but just so many things going through my mind, to the point where I'm even considering just locking myself in my room the day of and lying to them, saying I was really sick. Why am I like this.\n\n\n\nTldr: First time I've made friends that genuinely want to celebrate my birthday, but I don't feel worthy of having a day dedicated just to me, like who the fuck am I to have everyone's day revolve around. I feel like a burden and I don't know how to deal with it. Don't think I can let them go through with this whole birthday celebration thing. Even if I did, I genuinely don't even know how parties are meant to go, so what should I tell them I want to do? I feel like shit. Like total shit right now.", "Birthdays are hard Today is my birthday, luckily it isn’t Valentine’s Day in my country, that would make it worse.\n\nI always give the vibe that I don’t care about today, that I dislike being remembered that I’m getting older and so on. To top it off, I don’t have the date available on any social media.\n\nIt’s contradictory, but I display the opposite of what I really wanted. Maybe it’s for the best. But I would love to have a surprise party, receiving a visit from a friend, or even a phone call.\n\nDepression makes you want to be invisible, but at the same time, you don’t want to be forgotten. I haven’t received a single ‘Happy Birthday’ in person, just messages from a couple of family members and a call from a good friend living abroad. I’ve been home with my cats, crying, just wishing for a single hug. It’s going to be a long day.\n\nTo anyone going through this, \nHappy Birthday to us. \nEverything is gonna be alright.", "Today Does anyone else with ptsd struggle on their birthday really hard. \n\nI haven’t enjoyed this day for years. A lot of bad things have happened on this day of the year from my mom beating me to threatening hospitalization to needing to run away to getting dumped mental breakdowns. To the point that every year I dread my birthday. Today I’m 19\n\nSchool has been over for some weeks so I’m spending today as I have every day sitting around the house doing absolutely nothing except crying a little more and being more depressed. And that makes me sad. The day is over soon and I can’t enjoy it\n\nMy parents tell me all year I’m a bad kid and don’t deserve anything and they buy things for me then use them against me to guilt trip me. Whenever they’ve bought me huge gifts on my birthday I’ve had a panic attack and then they get angry with me for not wanting to accept them. \n\nI get depressed and feel guilt when people express excitement. I get depressed and guilty when people buy me gifts, or praise or compliment me, or ask what I want so I tell them I want nothing. \n\nBut I do want to enjoy it. I just can’t make myself. I do want gifts and to feel appreciated but the guilt overwhelms me. I get so upset when people compliment me or do anything. So it’s just better if I’m alone. It’s just better if I get nothing. Then I mourn how the day was miserable and I can’t enjoy it and dread it for the next year. \n\nLike it’s a cycle I can’t break out of that I want to but I just can’t. It probably doesn’t make sense to anyone. My friends offered to hang out with me but I’ve just been by myself. Today reminds me of all the ways I’ve done wrong in my life and how I’m not good enough and failing in so many ways . My parents offered to take me out to dinner but I don’t want to go out because I’m so depressed and disgusted by my appearance . I’m so sad \n\nJust nonstop crying and wishing things were different" ], "top_scores": [ 19.95192527770996, 19.91271209716797, 19.081768035888672, 18.840747833251953, 18.78963851928711 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of emotional distress, isolation, or trauma specifically triggered by birthdays.", "pearson_r": 0.4395972914061599, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9731, "freq": 0.0161939636545591, "mean_pos": 5.460958003997803, "max_act": 15.484098434448242, "log_density": -1.7906468129631803, "top_texts": [ "This. Borderlines are EXTREMELY emotionally needy and Schizoids are EXTREMELY emotionally unavailable. This inevitably leads to conflict.", "Borderline is especially stigmatized. I'm so sorry you were treated that way. Thank you for maintaining empathy for our community. <3", "I'll be honest, I think the whole \"borderlines are failed narcissists\" thing is kinda bullshit. There's different forms of subjective suffering in each one, and imo some benefits in each one. Just different coping mechanisms. As someone with NPD, personally I'd rather be a borderline because at least then I could truly connect to people", "Borderline girls are the best in blow jobs and being the most sweet and whore like subs\n\nI doubt they are psychopaths though", "dont u have borderline 💀 like don’t u feel the same too lmao" ], "top_scores": [ 15.484098434448242, 14.883953094482422, 14.64786434173584, 14.25644588470459, 13.976280212402344 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and its associated social stigma or interpersonal dynamics.", "pearson_r": 0.5990228006543861, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9028, "freq": 0.021220460800145564, "mean_pos": 4.1604719161987305, "max_act": 16.615026473999023, "log_density": -1.673245169205994, "top_texts": [ "How do you guys rid yourselves of jealousy? I mean jealousy of all kinds too.\n\n* The kind where you get pissed off seeing other people happy.\n* The kind where your lover spoke to someone else and it haunted you.\n* The kind where you're feeling like you're missing out on fun things your peers are doing, but it just pisses you off instead of makes you sad. \n* The kind where you're just overwhelmed with bitterness towards any sign of other people being happy at all, even in situations that are completely attainable by you. You just don't give a shit enough to put yourself in those situations.\n\nI'm just frustrated. I've had a long day. I needed this.", "Why am I SO jealous Sorry for the long post. \n\nI suffered with depression for about 5 years, I’m pretty much out of it now but still dealing with the fallout. 2 years out of the 5 were severe, so bad that my brain has blocked out the memories and I don’t remember any of it. It started when I was about 17. Perfect timing. \n\nNevertheless due to amazing support from my family, I was able to get into medical school and am half way through. It’s been incredibly hard and my attendance the first 2 years was pretty awful because I honestly had no interest or passion like I used to. This has returned to normal now (about 6 months ago) and I’m managing to thrive, although I still can only handle doing school stuff, if I add anything else to that equation I end up completely drained and everything falls apart. \n\nI feel like I wasted my youth. The ages 17 to 23 are supposed to be your best years. Or at least that’s what everybody says. They have been a nightmare for me. I want to go out and enjoy myself and party and have lots of friends and date. But there’s been none of that for me since I was 17. \n\nI’m so jealous of everyone who is able to do this. I open my Instagram or Facebook and everyone is having the time of their lives. I know that social media is heavily filtered and there could be things going on behind the scenes, but that’s hard to believe when people are going out every single weekend and travelling around the world and experiencing things I always wanted to.\n\nI can’t do the things I want to because I’ve shut myself off socially since I gained my ‘depression’ weight. It’s going to take me at least 8 months of hard work to lose but instead of working towards it all I’m thinking about is how everyone else is having fun and that even if I do get fit I’ve already lost out on so much.\n\nI know that I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be extremely grateful for my family, my health and my career. I’m going to be a qualified doctor in 2 years and then start training to be a surgeon. I know that this is something I should be proud of but I still feel so much jealousy towards the people with perfect lives and perfect bodies and ‘fame’. I’ve tried to logically work through these feelings but it never seems to make a difference. ", "First time posting here, dealing with feelings of jealousy and I'd lile any advice on being happy with myself. M19 here in my second year of medical school. I met this girl who is really smart and pretty and gets amazing grades. Now I get pretty good grades too but not anywhere near her. So I guess I kinda started liking her. But now I'm jealous of her grades and overall likability while also jealous of any other guy she's friends with. I eventually got really bitchy about it and we started fighting all the time. One day, something silly set me off and I told her that I didn't want to be friends anymore. She's the type who doesn't forget stuff so no chance of us being friends again for sure. But I still feel competitive towards her. And lockdown, honestly, as much as I know it's wrong, I don't want it to end, so I don't have to face her or anyone else again.\n Not sure if I just wanted to rant or not but I hope I can get some advice or a friend. Either will do me good.", "Feeling jealous is normal, especially in this context. Whether your mum is trying to make you jealous or whether you just feel that way because your lonely is something to think about", "I am jealous of people who are able to care for themselves more than others. This is considered the healthy and normal rationale." ], "top_scores": [ 16.615026473999023, 16.41861343383789, 16.14801788330078, 15.700915336608887, 15.047574996948242 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of interpersonal jealousy and the associated feelings of inadequacy or resentment.", "pearson_r": 0.34017774521130545, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2398, "freq": 0.021447904109900606, "mean_pos": 4.079967021942139, "max_act": 14.780550003051758, "log_density": -1.6686151204321946, "top_texts": [ "Online classes are the best thing to happen to me When I watch my lectures I can just walk around or start fiddling with random shit. Plus, I'm not distracted by everyone else's open laptops. This has improved my learning so much! For the first time, I feel like I can finish a class without feeling completely drained and like 80% of the info went straight out the other ear. It makes me wish I'd tried online school earlier, but I'm so happy that I'll actually have a good GPA this semester!", "The paranoia online is the same if not worse for me, because of the possible consequences of my thoughts being recorded for all time and misinterpreted. Also, you cannot see body language and therefore can feel at a disadvantage. I also believe people can send bad thoughts through a screen - and the more people who see your words the more likely that becomes.\n\nHowever, I do have more online friends because it is easier to find people who are more tolerant to some STPD quirks. Internet friendships are also huge blessing to those who are disabled, extremely socially anxious, or otherwise cannot get out very much.", "Is online courses out of the question - yes\nHow do people with your condition get by - they don’t", "I passed my first online class!! All my life I've struggled with homework heavy classes in school. I was diagnosed ADHD in elementary school in the mid 80's so i was given ritalin and told to take extra study time. There wasn't much known about ADHD yet. \nTaking online classes scared me but i passed with a -B and I am elated!! just wanted to share with everyone!\nwould anyone have any study tips? anything will help if i keep it fresh.", "Oh I know, likely been avoidant since my pre-teen years, it is just that for me it wasn't until much later that it gradually bled into my online life as well. \n \n" ], "top_scores": [ 14.780550003051758, 13.201672554016113, 13.109024047851562, 12.844564437866211, 12.45884895324707 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of online learning environments and their specific impact on neurodivergent or socially anxious individuals.", "pearson_r": 0.15058116630113133, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 431, "freq": 0.022312188686969773, "mean_pos": 3.882554769515991, "max_act": 13.424158096313477, "log_density": -1.6514578065739318, "top_texts": [ "Strattera makes me shaky I don’t wanna change meds cause Strattera has been a big help in my adhd symptoms and my overall mood.\n\nI experienced side effects at first; like nausea, trouble with peeing and stuff but they all went away... yet this one thing hasn’t gone away; it makes me shaky, like they way your body feels if you drink too much coffee. It makes working out really hard and well it’s extremely annoying.\n\nHas anyone had the same experience with Strattera?! If yes, how do you deal with it?", "How to Reduce Cold Sensation from Strattera I recently started taking Strattera and it seems pretty smooth for the most part except for having this cold sensation the whole day. It's not unbearable, just uncomfortable and slightly distracting.\n\nAnyway to reduce side effect this when taking strattera?", "How to deal with Straterra symptoms? I’m currently taking Straterra 80 mg again after having been off medication entirely for a year or two and I notice sometimes I feel like a zombie, along with being irritable at small things and even having a loss of apetite. Is this normal and how do I deal with these symptoms?", "Straterra - beware of your manufacturer! I started taking Straterra a few days ago - and felt an immediate improvement in focus. On the 4th day, I filled my prescription somewhere else and while the dose increased 7 mg, I felt an immediate spike in anxiety/excess energy. I basically felt like I was on a space ship. \n\nOf course, the Costco pharmacist made the mistake of telling me that the pills were \"identical\" to those at CVS. This was not the case; the manufactuer for the CVS-filled was Teva and for the Costco-filled, Northstar. I talked to my friend who has a C-level role at a large pharmaceutical company to confirm medication efficacy and side effects can change depending on the manufacturer. She said \"to be generic a drug only has to be within 20% of the original efficacy, safety, pharmacological priorities etc. Statistically they are proven to be similar. The reality is not especially when it comes to birth control or neuro meds\". \n\nSo, to anyone who has tried Straterra and had bad effects, check the manufacturer. Try the non generic (which I haven't tried), or Teva, which I tried and worked well. I think when people share \"Straterra testimonials\" they should include the manufacturer too. I had never thought of this before until I felt amazing one day and just terrible the next. \n\nThe other odd thing is that I felt immediate benefits from Strattera which I thought was interesting since people say it usually takes a few weeks to work.", "Strattera Dosing (23nonbinary) I was diagnosed earlier this year and was put on Strattera just over a month and a half ago, which was recommended as the first thing to try as I've been prescribed Wellbutrin to limited success for depression before. I did four days 40mg AM then since then an additional PM dose, totalling 80mg daily. As my side effects faded a few weeks ago, I was totally on top of all my school work and other responsibilities and killing the game--but only for a week. I'm now in my second week coming off that great one. My mood and executive function have been relatively low and I've missed two assignments.\n\nLooking through other meds talk in this sub I'm thinking of asking for a dose increase? I've also seen some people take Strattera regularly and take a stimulant \"as needed\". I've tried to self medicate similarly with coffee but caffeine goes through me pretty quickly. \n\nDoes anyone else have a similar experience or another dosing schedule that worked for them?" ], "top_scores": [ 13.424158096313477, 12.994851112365723, 12.835859298706055, 12.506180763244629, 12.502385139465332 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of specific side effects and dosage experiences related to the medication Strattera.", "pearson_r": -0.22941573387056172, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9733, "freq": 0.02329019491891646, "mean_pos": 3.7162528038024902, "max_act": 11.748644828796387, "log_density": -1.6328268581314231, "top_texts": [ "Mental health: A look at what you *really* deserve. After working an overnight shift I text my husband “I had a lot of things I had planned on getting done today, but I’m just really sad and feeling tired so I think I’ll just sleep when I get home.” As he always supports the best he can “You deserve it honey, you’ve had a long night.”\n\nI was a liar and I knew it. I wasn’t simply just sleepy tired, I was soul tired. You know the kind, where keeping your eyes open hurts you and smiling isn’t even an option. You feel short tempered by people you pass on the street for just *being* there, which makes you feel even more pitiful. Who the hell is annoyed by someone’s presence when your driving in your car?! Me. I was. It was written on the wall, friends. I was having a bout of the good ole dark monster, and I told myself (knowing better) that I could just sleep it away. You know what happens when you try to snooze depression away... it’s like hitting your alarm snooze button. It’s still there. I knew that. \n\nThe lies I will tell myself when I’m in the hole are everlasting! “You deserve to sleep, you don’t need to shower, you can fold the laundry tomorrow, don’t worry about the clutter on the counter-it’s not hurting anyone, that return has 30 days to get done, YOU DESERVE TO BE LAZY.” Ahhh those lies ring loud and clear and I had to do the hardest thing I knew- call myself on my own bullshit. \n\nWhat do you *really* deserve, Bird? You deserve to rest when you get done, and sleep if you have time. That laundry will wrinkle and take up real estate in your home if you don’t get it done, as will the clutter, and that return that you’d rather have the money for. So I took the stuff back, and I got the laundry done, and cleared the counter. I cleaned out our spare room, changed bedding and put things away, and I made an unhealthy, albeit simple lunch for my husband (10 minutes after he got home) and spent some time with him. I rested with his head on my leg while he took a nap before returning to work, and then took a shower and slapped some lotion on my face. I did what I deserved. \n\nAs humans, we are prone to things. Paper cuts, bad hair days, and excuses are just a few. If you’re a human who suffers from mental illness, excuses are probably prominent for you as they are for me. I spent many years in therapy, spending money to be told that I am the only one who can fix me. The doctors, medication, and tools were no good if I didn’t take advantage of them. 10 years later I’m off medication, which I’ve replaced with the cognitive behavioral tools I learned from my therapist who has been gone a few months. Her leaving was the hardest to take, if I’m being honest. Through tears and self inflicted wounds and days that turned into nights that turned out to be a nightmare when I woke up anyway, I have learned what I deserve. I hope that you too, can find a way to see your worth no matter how long the darkness has held you, no matter how deep that fucking hole is. The sun comes up every day, a new dawn will rise and you **DESERVE** to enjoy it. \n\nAll my strength and a helping hand to pull you out of the hole. \n\n💕,\n🐥 Bird", "Get out of here with your “you don’t deserve love” rhetoric. I deserve love. You deserve love. Other people who are trying to recover from their illnesses deserve love. Having a disorder does not automatically default to someone not deserving love.", "Anyone else feel like they aren’t worthy to have friends?? Lately I’ve been having issues trusting what my best friends tell me because for some reason my mind won’t let me accept what they tell me as the truth. I’ve been impatient, snarky, rude, and all kinds of jerky to them. I have apologized for my behavior, and while they’ve accepted it and forgiven me I still feel like such an ass for what I did.\n\nMy emotions got the better of me and I unfairly lashed out at the people I love the most in my life. I don’t feel like I deserve to have them at all, despite what they tell me. I always feel like I’m not good enough for them. Who’d want to be friends with me anyway? I’m not worth the time or effort.", "I don't deserve love. Not love, not happiness, nothing. I just feel like I don't deserve it. There must be a reason why I have been suffering my whole life, and when I finally have something good in my life, and when for the first time in a long time I feel good, or loved or happy it comes crashing and burning down... Every. Single. Time\n\n\nReally makes one feel helpless.", "I've been living with my partner for two years now. We've been together for a total of three years. We casually spoke about getting married one day but yesterday we put a date on it. We're getting marry on December 9th. ME, the person what was \"too much to handle\", me who was always doubting everyone else and had huge episodes of rage and depresion. Me who had a hard time filling the \"emptiness\" inside and stopping feeling lonely. I found someone that chooses me every day, who reasures me a million times if necessary and knows when my brain is playing tricks on me. \nI do feel like I do not deserve this happiness, I do not deserve her, but damn! I will work hard to change that feeling because she is marrying me. She thinks I'm worth this and more and that gotta mean something!" ], "top_scores": [ 11.748644828796387, 11.615243911743164, 11.432316780090332, 11.339180946350098, 11.300820350646973 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal struggle with feelings of self-worth and the perceived deservingness of love and acceptance.", "pearson_r": 0.4269595235417474, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1880, "freq": 0.020970273159415017, "mean_pos": 4.109260559082031, "max_act": 14.901859283447266, "log_density": -1.678395891654695, "top_texts": [ "Uk- Young adult undiagnosed adhd Ok so im from the uk , and from what I read you can’t get a diagnosis from a doctor , has to been from a psychiatrist.. problem is big waiting list and can’t afford a private diagnosis :/\n\n\n I checked the adhd symptoms and they fit me almost 💯 % .\n\nI was held back a year at school when I was younger as I struggled that much , I still struggle trying to study now\n\nFast forward I’m a young adult in higher education, and I’m really struggling with exams and the theory work , it’s not that I’m stupid or don’t get it , it’s just retaining the information etc.\n\n\nSo there’s no chance I can get prescribed any of the Stimulant Drugs for ADHD\n\nThe reason I no stims work for me is I stupidly dabbled into certain stim drugs and they vastly helped me study etc ( ingore my username I dont want stimulants to abuse for high )\n\nWhat can I do ?\n\nFrom what I read in America it seems like you can just ask your doctor to diagnose you ?\n\n", "How was your experience with ADHD and the UK Healthcare system? Hi. Anyone here who lives in the UK and has ADHD, what has your experience been like? From what I can tell, it is much more commonly treated in the US than in the UK, and I could be waiting a while for a proper diagnosis. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI am currently on Sertraline for anxiety and depression, but after looking into ADHD I believe it is the cause of these problems for me. My mum thinks I have it too, and she often talks about how crazy I was as a child. I can't sit still, and I find it very difficult to focus. Before Sertraline I had frequent mood-swings throughout the day. I have taken looked at the 'Adult ADHD Self-Report Scale (ASRS-v1.1) Symptom Checklist' and found I have symptoms highly consistent with ADHD. That being said, I'd rather treat the cause of my anxiety and depression than just suppressing them. \n\nAny comments are greatly appreciated. Thank you", "Also in the UK but have a very messed up sleep schedule", "Getting medication in the UK Hello,\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI got diagnosed with ADHD back in my home country, where ADHD drugs are illegal. I have the original diagnosis and a translation of it by a notary, and this has been accepted by my university and such. However, I really would like to try medication for it, as I'm struggling with classes and university is very hard to cope with and finish tasks without it.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nHow do I get about getting medication? I was told to go to the GP, and then the GP will refer me to a specialist. I heard the waiting time on the NHS is a whole year or longer, but that's to get diagnosed rather than to just seek medication; I don't mind seeing a private specialist, only I haven't been made aware of how to look for one or what they're called. I'm very confused and I would really appreciate help. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nSerious answers only please. ", "I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It sounds exceedingly stressful. Try your best to just continue living your usual UK life in the mean time." ], "top_scores": [ 14.901859283447266, 14.787317276000977, 14.765508651733398, 14.089594841003418, 13.727635383605957 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the challenges of navigating the UK healthcare system for ADHD diagnosis and treatment.", "pearson_r": -0.22843636660769318, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10067, "freq": 0.017899788477721928, "mean_pos": 4.754031181335449, "max_act": 17.580604553222656, "log_density": -1.7471520767967177, "top_texts": [ "For me, boredom occurs when things are too repetitive or normal. Things become numb and mundane. Normal just doesn’t cut it anymore. I need something intense to pull me out of the numbness.", "is being bored a common trait? i get bored at everything i do. nothing is new or interesting. watching a new movie? i can figure it out within minutes of watching. nothing excites me anymore\n\nTL:DR is boredom related to adhd?", "Does anybody else feel bored all the time Do you also have a constant feeling of boredom even though you're doing something because nothing interests you anymore? And you're just doing things to pass the time even though you dont enjoy it", "Going Back To School: Boredom? I’m planning on going back to school this fall, as an old, to finally finish my undergraduate degree, and hopefully more. I know I have adhd, I think this time will be different! I’m already thinking about it in ways that will help, like embracing full time studentdom and the pauper life it will require, because working full time and trying to go back to school has failed me before.\n\nBut I hit a road bump- how do I manage boredom? You know, boring classes? I took an unrelated class through our parks and rec last night, and it wasn’t what I thought it would be. I was bored, surly, kept fidgeting and tuning out. It’s rare that I am in this position anymore, I find almost anything interesting; but between being too basic and the slow speed the information was being given, I was just not able to overcome my disinterest.\n\nThis class didn’t matter. But coming this fall, some of the classes I have to take for my degree are really going to be basic, things I know well and learned in the past 20 years of working. And I’m sure there will be classes where I just find the professors delivery too slow.\n\nI know me, I’ve lived this me, and this me gets bored and can’t handle boredom. How does one cope?\n\nI am medicated, and I suppose the one thing I didn’t take into account was that because it was an evening class, I wasn’t then. I hope meds help, but man I’m scare of whatever this intolerance to boredom is. \n\nHow have you coped? Any tips?", "Boredom in my case, i don't get obsess with people very often but all of my other obsessions comes from boredom" ], "top_scores": [ 17.580604553222656, 17.025598526000977, 14.760519981384277, 14.564362525939941, 14.537282943725586 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents chronic, pathological boredom and the persistent inability to find stimulation or interest in daily activities.", "pearson_r": 0.47790433377405095, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10019, "freq": 0.018627607068938068, "mean_pos": 4.51823091506958, "max_act": 16.73114585876465, "log_density": -1.729842908343351, "top_texts": [ "I'd never heard this idea until recently, and I'm starting to see it cropping up more, always in opposition to any kind of support (or even empathy) for the homeless - any attempt to help the homeless is pointless because 'most' homeless people want to be homeless; therefore housing programs/assistance, mental health & substance abuse support are wasted because the homeless are too lazy to get themselves out of homelessness and 'enjoy' their condition, because they don't have to work, because they don't have to pay bills, because they don't have responsibilities, because they're lazy etc. I strenuously disagree with this, and I feel like it's an attempt to move the goalposts; there's a growing awareness that homeless people may not necessarily be homeless because they got themselves into that position and they 'deserve' it, but because of substance abuse issues and mental health problems, coupled with a breakdown in social network. But that's a lie, or 'lefty propaganda', for some people; they want to believe, despite whatever legitimate reasons some homeless may have for not being in shelters, say, that it's a *moral failing* \\- going full circle, they don't deserve help because their homelessness is a consequence of decisions they made. Thoughts?", "If the homeless who choose this life are happy or do it for fun, please let them be. & what harm to the rest ? Would it be such a bad thing if anyone could choose to live happily freely without care without social constraints constrictions impositions restrictions that the greedy powerful adults impose on the rest Pray look at our adults mess the environmental & other species demise °radation of this world. humans have created in the busy-ness of work in the aftermath of technologies the debris providing us with more & more useless commodities Why not allow a few homeless dwellers to remind us of the simplicity the less is more in living life. Let the homeless who choose be as free as the birds without worry for the morrow or live carefree as the little children, said the jewish guy who supposedly died on the cross", "I've noticed usually people who have been in the street for a while or traveling around, and managed to avoid frying their brains with drugs or just losing it from the life, have really different opinions and ways of thinking compared to the just homeless sleeping in motels or shelters or cars and often trying to work at the same time. Do you hate other homeless aka \"hobos?\" The people in the tents? Or do you wish to or try to help them? Do you resent the middle and upper classes or do you think they're entitled to what they have?", "Some homeless shelters don't let you store belongings there at all. It's literally just a place to sleep at night. And yet somehow the homeless are expected to find a job in these conditions and if you don't get a job well obviously you just want to be homeless and you don't want to work", "I live in BC and im gonna be homeless soon, I'm thinking about just saving up enough money to take a greyhound to the Vancouver island to live out being homeless and to get a fresh start. I'm thinking about either Qualicum Bay or Parksville since they're both small and have good weather. I don't want to be homeless in a big city full of crime and I want to be somewhere where it doesn't get to -20 in the winter, are there any other good places in BC to be homeless?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.73114585876465, 15.642346382141113, 15.597002983093262, 15.422900199890137, 15.262718200683594 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents discourse regarding the systemic challenges, societal perceptions, and personal experiences of homelessness.", "pearson_r": 0.7656731898516675, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6010, "freq": 0.02449564446061819, "mean_pos": 3.40691876411438, "max_act": 12.389866828918457, "log_density": -1.6109111123908915, "top_texts": [ "What should I say during my first consultation appointment? What have you said?? Dear fellow compatriot,\n\nI am going to my first appointment next Tuesday. I have never seeing psychiatrist before. I don't know how should I start? What should I say when the psychiatrist letting you to sit in front of him/her? What did you say when they asked you \"why are you here\" or \"what can I help you with\" or same type of questions? I have tried to wrote down some points but I need some insights. Thank you for willing to read this nonsense questions.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nRegards,\n\ngiogno", "I have an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time but I'm scared to go I don't even know what I'm scared of. ", "I want to feel better I have an appointment tomorrow (my first one) with a professional to hopefully discuss my mental disorder and help me in the end. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm really nervous and paranoid but I'm willing to take a chance at trying to get better and improve my life.", "Therapy Advice I have my very first Therapy appointment on the first of April. (Funny coincidence)\n\nDo you guys have some advice for me.\nI am going alone into this and I have so many things on my mind right now ._.", "I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow and I'm really nervous and I don't know what to expect. I've never been to a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist before. I'm worried cus sometimes when I'm nervous and I'm faced with the opportunity to finally voice my problems, I completely clam up. \n\nThere's a lot going on with me that needs addressing: depression, anxiety, ADHD, addiction, gender dysphoria, and the possibility of bipolar disorder and OCD. \n\nWhen I think about how I wanna address as much as possible because these visits are expensive ($300), it just makes me more nervous!\n\nCan you guys share what I might expect on a first time visit? Or tips for dealing with nerves?" ], "top_scores": [ 12.389866828918457, 11.08217716217041, 10.897008895874023, 10.850080490112305, 10.608454704284668 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the anticipation and anxiety associated with attending a first-time mental health consultation.", "pearson_r": 0.45418259942043, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2309, "freq": 0.023767825869402053, "mean_pos": 3.5012872219085693, "max_act": 11.17947006225586, "log_density": -1.6240105246988885, "top_texts": [ "Can you explain what you mean by Bear Psychology? Cause this question doesn't make sense to me lmao", "Personally I got into psychology through social and personality psychology as they were the most exciting as a teenager(who wanted to understand people around him better), and it also covers most of the basics that reach out to the other fields as a major part of most fields are based on internal components of people's psyche and external relations to others.", "Hello everyone. I’m a 22 year old Liberal Arts graduate and my undergrad thesis was a Freudian reading of Franz Kafka —which, when I look back at, has many areas that need to be worked on. Upon discovering Klein and Lacan, I have been really interested and attracted to their theories, and in the near future, once I complete my Masters, I want to be trained as a psychoanalyst. However, the country that I am from has a very Freudian training, which I do not want to undertake — no disrespect to Freud. I’m hoping that I undertake my psychoanalytical training in either the UK or Canada, but I’m fearful about one thing: I haven’t majored in psychology (due to my disillusionment with standardisation of it and many other factors, which are out of the scope of this post). I have been interested in psychoanalysis ever since I was in high school and have read a major chunk of Freud’s work in my second year of undergrad. I’m only worried that my lack of formal education in psychology, although I had a couple of papers in it, might get in the way. Any input from a trained psychoanalyst or someone with a similar background would be immensely helpful. Thank you.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/psychoanalysis/comments/tz58u1/i_did_not_major_in_psychology_but_have_a_strong/", "I'm a psychiatrist working in the NHS on a SWV. A Masters in Psychology is worthless unless you can get BPS or HCPC registration afterwards. If you can get that, then a sponsored job in the NHS would be a *possibility*. Mind you, lots of local new psychology grads compete for the entry level jobs, so it isn't like other healthcare professions where sponsorship is reasonably easy. I think you will really struggle to get a sponsored job at the end of your Masters in this area tbh.", "I am too, but have realized that I'll probably never get that from a psychologist because their job isn't to support or comfort me, it's to challenge me and put my brain to work. Need to go look for warmth another place, I just don't know where." ], "top_scores": [ 11.17947006225586, 9.601880073547363, 9.37358570098877, 9.1300687789917, 8.940019607543945 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the academic, professional, or clinical study and practice of psychology.", "pearson_r": 0.5336000974881928, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8469, "freq": 0.026087747628903497, "mean_pos": 3.1891376972198486, "max_act": 9.47632884979248, "log_density": -1.5835633988696123, "top_texts": [ "Is there a correlation between ADHD and not leaving the house? I haven’t been outside in 27 hours and it’s going to extend bc it’s 1:52 AM right now. ", "I can’t get out of bed It’s never been this bad before. I can’t sleep before 4 AM, and when I wake up in the morning, I don’t care what classes I have. I text my acquaintances every day and say that can’t go. I just stay in bed. As much as I may want to leave, for whatever reason, i can’t physically do it. \n\nI couldn’t care less about my marks, or what I’m missing, but in the same breath I’m truly anxious about it. \n\nSometimes I put on dirty clothes and go get a coffee, then come back to bed, and drink the coffee so that I’m conscious enough to take in whatever YouTube videos are on my list for the day. Who gives a shit about the online homework pile that I’ve missed, anyway? Or the classes going on right now? \n\nNobody has even noticed. Nobody has asked how my grades are, or how I’m feeling, or why I’m missing classes, or why I’m not showering. I don’t blame my parents because I don’t live with them. But everyone else? Really?\n\nI thought I had friends at least, but I guess not. It’s not like I go out to see them, anyway. I can’t even get out of fucking bed. ", "When you can't get up off the sofa/out of bed Sometimes when I'm alone I find myself stuck, unable to move from the sofa. Caught in a trance of scrolling or just lying there. Today I did what I always did, google my experience in the hope I'm not alone and can find some advice. Today that was \"can't get up from the sofa\". All that came up were a few old forums on websites I'd never heard of and how to move furniture which I was happy that people experienced that problem more than being unable to pull themselves up. Anyway to get to the point, I read one of these old forums and there was one comment that said \"start by moving your fingers and toes, then your legs and arms, it will feel silly but just move your body, then start shimmying around and wriggling. It's so much easier to get up when you're already moving!\" and holy shit it worked! From feeling stuck and trapped in my body to wriggling my toes and now I'm up and going to do the dishes! So I'm celebrating this small win and had to share in case it can help someone else get up when you just feel like you physically can't move too. Sending love x", "I thought I was getting better... oh well I haven't left my house this week. I didn't go to class, I didn't get out to eat, I didn't go out to therapy. I'm just sitting in front of my pc wondering why am I still alive. I'm forcing myself to go to a concert I bought tickets for so I wouldn't feel like I wasted my money on it but it's hard to make myself move. Maybe I need meds again, who knows, but I'm not better anymore", "plus I never leave my room or go outside so it's all the same😭" ], "top_scores": [ 9.47632884979248, 9.368413925170898, 8.410542488098145, 8.258767127990723, 8.026098251342773 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of executive dysfunction and physical paralysis associated with depressive or neurodivergent withdrawal.", "pearson_r": 0.6244285800164556, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4379, "freq": 0.02203925671526372, "mean_pos": 3.7666752338409424, "max_act": 16.10552978515625, "log_density": -1.6568030366620692, "top_texts": [ "Anyone else got the feeling that weekends are worse than workdays? Basically the title. Weekends are incredible rough for me because i have no purpose on these days, i play games that aren't fun anymore and sit in my room for 12 hours until the next day to do the same until it's Monday again, where i work again. On workdays i at least have somewhat of a purpose but on weekends not. It just makes me feel even more depressed and abandoned. \n\nAnyone else feeling this way as well or is it just me?", "High perfomer during week, empty during weekends Since years back I have an issue with being off work, at work I am what many would categorize as a high performer - taking on massive tasks and projects with an near endless drive. Then comes weekend - Anxiety starts already when leaving work fridays, waking up saturdays my only feeling is that I want to sleep til Monday \n\nI have zero drive in getting anything done, have a constant pressure on my chest \n\nHave been in therapy, felt we where getting nowhere \n\nAnyone have they same feelings?", "Sunday: I'm going to get my life together starting today. Monday: yeah nvm This happens every weekend I feel really motivated on Sunday morning and as the day goes on I don't actually do anything productive and by Sunday night/Monday I'm miserable again what gives?", "Weekends are hell for me Thats kind of ironic I know, because its time off. However the weekends for me are such a mess and overall disappointing. I am in high school, and as much as I fucking hate it and the people there, it adds structure to my life. Im forced to go and I do. Its the most productive I can be even though I spend most of the time drawing in class- at least it’s something. On the weekends though I lack structure and have little self discipline, therefore I only do whats easy if I do anything at all. Whats very pathetic is that what I end up doing, I don’t actually care for or like it at all. Especially when I actually have a couple hobbies I enjoy- that’s art and playing music. But these are productive things that take effort and I lack motivation. \nSo why does this matter? Because the results are awful. Monday hits hard as hell and it leads to a week of utter self torment.Thinking “I wasted the time I had and made things worse” and it makes me feel like I can’t even respect my self enough to do what I want and somewhat enjoy.\nWhat is the point in living when you cant even do what matters to you? I’ve found what I value in life, and if I cant bring myself to them I might as well kill myself. \nIf anyone would like to share how they spend their time off, or advice for how to break this horrible cycle, please do. Sorry for the long post. ", "Help! External structure on weekends Hi! So I’ve spent another Saturday doing nothing. It’s not that I want to be productive, I want to relax and have fun and I have lots of interest I want to do but it’s like I forget them. And even if I do remember them, I don’t have the structure to make me want to do them because the day is totally free!\n\nHave you created a way to “actively relax” or just be active on the weekend?? Please help I don’t want to spend another weekend on the couch watching YouTube videos I’ll never remember." ], "top_scores": [ 16.10552978515625, 15.768437385559082, 14.723719596862793, 14.067276000976562, 13.943747520446777 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological distress and loss of executive function experienced when external structure is removed during weekends.", "pearson_r": 0.5908573652206621, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6310, "freq": 0.021743580412582165, "mean_pos": 3.811068296432495, "max_act": 11.940704345703125, "log_density": -1.6626689211687726, "top_texts": [ "1- Wednesday’s visions\n2- The monster in the woods\n3- Goody Addams\n4- Bianca’s mom\n5- Weems and her shapeshifting\n6- The love triangle with Wednesday\n7- Enid’s inability to wolf out\n8- The Addams parents’ secret\n9- Rowan’s future prediction", "I’m wondering if somehow the scene is set for Kendall to somehow blame himself for Logan’s death. It could be a scene reminiscent of ep 1’s stroke. Then the scene at the lake that’s been rumored to happen might take place, exploring Kendall’s re-emerging passive suicidality. Whatever he does will be viewed by his siblings & team as going too far. Even though he will have finally won the battle, he will have lost the war.", "with Michael being killed before he moved into the MH, Vivien never broke things off with Ben to begin with, because the reason she stopped talking to Ben was because he affiliated himself with Michael.", "Westley Allan Dodd, Leonard Lake/Charles Ng, Bittaker&Norris, Robert Berdella, Randy Kraft, William Bonin", "1. His split second decision to attack the Minotaur. This is textbook Percy, brave and impulsive and protective over those he loves. Percy makes decisions like this multiple times (golden chair incident, sacrificing himself to save Annabeth & Grover from the Echidna for example). \n2. Percy’s feelings that he is broken or that something is wrong with him. Early on in the books, Percy struggles with his identity and self-worth. \n3. Percy’s anger. His anger towards Poseidon and Ares exemplify his desire for justice, which is another hallmark of his character. \n4. Percy’s wit and humor. The capture the flag scene of his dancing, absent-mindedness, and curiosity were textbook Percy, especially young Percy that we see in the first few books. \n5. Percy’s fatal flaw. His fight w/ Luke at the end exemplifies this (as well as his perception of Luke throughout the series). Percy’s loyalty to his friend, the person he trusted, clouded his ability to see things for how they really were. He still trusted Luke enough to go deep into the forest with him at night, even after the shoes nearly cost Grover his life. Percy was so bewildered at Luke’s betrayal that he was apologizing for defending himself even while Luke tried to fatally wound him. " ], "top_scores": [ 11.940704345703125, 11.303977012634277, 10.771117210388184, 9.913382530212402, 9.52425765991211 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions centered on fictional narratives, media analysis, and true crime character studies.", "pearson_r": 0.6650290649138894, "pred_f1": 0.8421052631578947 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7371, "freq": 0.016466895626265153, "mean_pos": 5.026397228240967, "max_act": 18.077316284179688, "log_density": -1.7833882408473918, "top_texts": [ "Alternatives to DBT since it's not available where I live? Perhaps CBT? Hey everyone,\n\nI live in a third world country (Tunisia, to be specific) and I've talked to many mental health practitioners asking whether they specialize in DBT. All of them said they weren't and they instead offer CBT. \n\nDo you think it would be as effective? \nShould I even consider it?", "DBT is just about tricking you into believing your shitty life is good enough I don’t need DBT, I need a GIRLFRIEND NOW", "I start DBT next week What am I getting myself into?\n\n(note: I know what DBT is but I'm scared af about actually doing it)", "Is CBT old hat? I have a CBT resource online that comes highly touted. But, based on your experience, is there something significantly better in circulation now?", "Dbt resources online? recommendations? Recommendations for Dbt videos and resources to learn different skills? I’m looking into getting a workbook. Unfortunately I cant afford proper mental health care and i am uninsured, but I really am interested and starting to devote time to my mental health care. I’ve started doing yoga twice a day, however my meditation practice has been unsuccessful as i feel i need more training. I would also love to learn specific DBT skills" ], "top_scores": [ 18.077316284179688, 15.520536422729492, 14.417377471923828, 14.331473350524902, 14.03315258026123 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents an interest in or inquiry regarding Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and related therapeutic modalities.", "pearson_r": 0.5818304107053618, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4069, "freq": 0.027020265198899173, "mean_pos": 3.0425305366516113, "max_act": 9.668209075927734, "log_density": -1.5683103767002384, "top_texts": [ "I wish you all determination When I was 16, I never thought I'd live to see 20, because depression wanted me dead. I survived to 20, but I pushed my life expectancy back to 25. At 25, I pushed it back to 30. \n\nToday is my 30th birthday. I have fought with depression for the majority of my life. I have made many mistakes in my life and lost many battles. Many times, depression got the better of me. But I'm still here. In spite of it all, I stuck with it. I always won in the end. \n\nSo, to all of you fighting the struggle alongside me, I wish you all determination. Remember that you deserve love and praise for going through hell and keeping on going. Even when it's unbearable, keep fighting to see another day. ", "A letter to my best friend Dear sister,\n\nWe were born in different families but fated to meet.\n\nI was so shy back then, so afraid of the world and how everyone thought of me. I was bullied for my differences from the crowd. I hated life back then, between the bullying and the abuse back home.\n\nAnd then like an angel, you appeared. You spoke to me as if I was human and showed me empathy. And although I never asked, you stood up for me and wiped away my tears.\n\nYou were so beautiful to me, like a goddess and like the best friend I could ever wish for. Of course you had your flaws, don't we all, but i adored you despite them.\n\nYou were always so intelligent and bright but stubborn and short tempered. \n\nI know at times you do not feel loved but do you really need a lover to realize just how loved you are? Just how special you are? You are incredible in so many ways.\n\nWhat makes you special? Your big and loving heart. Its not easy to see past the cover of a book to see its real beauty..but you..you do that better than anyone I know.\n\nI know life is hard and you're fighting a hidden war but you always were a fighter- a warrior. Look at the battles you've faced and how much stronger you are because you never gave up. I've always been proud of you for that.\n\nI know it is not much to offer but because i love you whole heartedly, you will always find a friend in me", "I believe in you, I don’t know how much it helps but I believe in you, you can do it. And you will. You are strong. Stronger then you can even imagine, you got this", "You deserve to live a life worth living. You have been through hell. You can get through this too! I believe in you. You are enough!", "Suicide killed 6 of my closest friends in the span of 4 months If you're reading this then it's not too late. Please - for the love of God - message everyone you love or hold dear. Message your friends, message your parents, your siblings, or just message someone you haven't spoken to in a while. Message everyone.\n\nSend messages telling them how much they mean to you. Message them asking if they're okay. Tell them that they're loved and send love all around. Visit them, talk to them, ask how their day is, tell them they look good or whatever you say to each other to show endearment. Just be around each other. Show each other warmth and just show you care. Even if they seem to be okay, even if they have a smile on their face and seem happy and jovial, I urge you to just message them. If you can, talk to them and do your best to be around them as much as possible. Just please be there for everyone in your social circles. Please - while they're still here and while they still have breath in their lungs - please message your loved ones.\n\nTo all the strong individuals that are struggling right now and feel like the world is crashing down on you. To all the pain stricken individuals reading this knowing they fight an internal battle with themselves. Whoever you are and wherever you are, just know that you're not alone in your fights. I may not know you and I may not know your circumstances. I most certainly won't say that I understand what you're going through and I will never undermine your pain and suffering. What I will do is say I empathise with you. I will tell you what you've heard before. I will tell you that you're loved, you're amazing, you're beautiful and you're perfect the way you are. You may not see it but you've got supoort circles available that love and care for you; who think you're a star and will always welcome you into their arms. You're doing great balancing your emotions along with the stresses of of life. You're doing amazing! It's something to be proud of! This is something even now most adults can't balance, and here you are pushing through all these trials and tribulations. I'm proud of all of you! \n\nAlthough I am proud of you for being so strong, know that I will continuously ask you to continue being strong. Please I beg you. Never succumb to those evil thoughts; the ones that emphasise how easy it is to just give up and depart from this world. I understand how attractive the proposal is and I understand how easy it is to take that route. I really do. But I beg you to never do it. For the sake of everyone around you. For your pets, for your relatives, for anyone or anything you hold dear. Don't give in. Fight on for I know a brighter light always shines at the end of the long, dark tunnel. Please. Don't give up. We love you and we always will. \n\nRegards\nA broken man" ], "top_scores": [ 9.668209075927734, 7.837281703948975, 7.823981761932373, 7.762980937957764, 7.298351764678955 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of direct, empathetic encouragement and validation aimed at fostering hope and resilience in others.", "pearson_r": 0.34546681367002435, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4297, "freq": 0.021425159778925104, "mean_pos": 3.8324801921844482, "max_act": 12.97891616821289, "log_density": -1.66907591035515, "top_texts": [ "I myself have just about no affective empathy, but pretty strong cognitive empathy, as I’ve worked to develop it for some time. It works to your benefit to do so. Going along with the theme of self-regulation, if you have high cognitive empathy, you are better able to adapt your responses to how a normal person with normal empathy react.", "You also mustn't forget cognitive empathy. Sometimes it's more a matter of *knowing* the correct emotional response than feeling it. You know when you see someone crying that the correct response is to console them and be supportive even if you feel nothing at all about it.", "Does counselling actually work? At the moment I’m working though COGNITIVE Brain Therapy and it’s s like if rubbish but I stick with because it’s the only help I get", "I have pretty good cognitive empathy in my opinion and usually I'm able to grasp why someone is acting the way they are. I don't always know the right thing to say, but I'm a lot better at it than I used to be.", "The problem with cognitive empathy is that it often only occurs in hindsight. For example: once I was holding a guy down, yelling at him as he died. He was struggling and begging but being so consumed with my narcissistic anger and frustration I never thought of changing course such that he would live instead. In the moment the cognitive empathy was useless at modifying my actions. Years later after this ASPD diagnosis I see now that he must have been terrified as I would have been in his situation." ], "top_scores": [ 12.97891616821289, 11.64555835723877, 11.296103477478027, 11.138875007629395, 10.626652717590332 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and application of cognitive empathy as a deliberate, intellectualized mechanism for social navigation and emotional regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.05895115709361381, "pred_f1": 0.25 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3365, "freq": 0.021447904109900606, "mean_pos": 3.766202688217163, "max_act": 14.41133975982666, "log_density": -1.6686151204321946, "top_texts": [ "What you get from vent posts isn't the same as what I get from them. For me they're reassuring. They let me know I'm not just stupid and lazy. that there's a real thing wrong with me that other people can relate to. I dont feel sad or negative after reading them.", "also respectfully, just let me chill with my vent please. i don't need another discussion or debate when i finally find a place to vent.", "venting makes me feel guilty but I don't know how to be vulnerable It just makes me feel like I'm wasting their time or that I'm being overdramatic and it's not that bad, or that if I don't get better after venting then it's because I don't want to and that *I'm* not putting in the effort. \n\nI've been avoiding talking seriously about my problems for the past two years because of this and I've recently come to realize that I don't know how to be vulnerable. I don't want to be a bad person by waiting for some good friend or partner to meet me and have to teach me how to be vulnerable, so I'm trying to address this problem myself. I just vented a tiny bit about how I actually feel without making any jokes and I already feel guilty about it. I don't know how other people do it. My friend didn't invalidate me or anything but they didn't offer any advice or sympathy. \n\nIdk I just don't want to have to deal with this later on but I don't know how to deal with this now.", "Venting on online platforms with anonymous accounts I am new to the subreddit but thought I would share something I’ve been doing recently to help with my depression. Venting through the form of video on and posting has help me to get my thoughts out there and also gives me a way to be creative and put my mind to something because with my depression I find hard to any simple task some days. All I have been doing is making the background music and just venting and talking over it whatever comes to mind in that moment it has helped me a lot actually getting a task done and just simply not keeping all my thoughts in my head try it out thought it might help some people", "Nothing wrong with venting, but I've never seen a single post on one of those subs that wasn't dripping with hate" ], "top_scores": [ 14.41133975982666, 12.138160705566406, 12.067126274108887, 11.943416595458984, 11.765393257141113 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the meta-cognitive process of venting as a coping mechanism or emotional outlet.", "pearson_r": 0.26967994498529685, "pred_f1": 0.72 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7359, "freq": 0.024927786749152775, "mean_pos": 3.21943998336792, "max_act": 11.149463653564453, "log_density": -1.6033162618478765, "top_texts": [ "Today was a good day In the last 6 months I can count the days I’ve truly been happy on one hand. My longest relationship ended, i didn’t see my family for almost a year, i found a coworker who committed suicide, and have been restricted to working a desk because of an injury. In the past two weeks I lost a family friend, got crappy medical news, and had to give up on my childhood dream that has slowly been slipping out of my grasp for months.\nBut today, today was a good day. My friends didn’t let me leave and go be alone. They dragged me out to do things we loved to do. Today I can honestly say I was happy, if only for a moment. ", "Today was a good day In the last 6 months I can count the days I’ve truly been happy on one hand. My longest relationship ended, i didn’t see my family for almost a year, i found a coworker who committed suicide, and have been restricted to working a desk because of an injury. In the past two weeks I lost a family friend, got crappy medical news, and had to give up on my childhood dream that has slowly been slipping out of my grasp for months.\nBut today, today was a good day. My friends didn’t let me leave and go be alone. They dragged me out to do things we loved to do. Today I can honestly say I was happy, if only for a moment. ", "For a moment, I felt good. More than I have in a long time Today after going to classes and coming home, I was doing my homework when suddenly, I realized that today was a good day. I even found myself doing a little dance while I made tea. The sun was shining just a little bit, I was proud of myself for being one week on my diet, and I had Zumba class to look forward to. Today was a good day. ", "Wow, I am so proud that I can stand here today and say ZERO!!!! Last year would have been a diff story…", "Insecure Today is the second day in a row that I am feeling insecure. Don’t get me wrong my bf has amazing ways of building me up and I can’t thank him enough for it. But today I feel down and sensitive. Wish I could fix myself more. " ], "top_scores": [ 11.149463653564453, 11.149463653564453, 8.228638648986816, 8.008212089538574, 7.958649635314941 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the subjective experience of experiencing a rare or notable moment of positive affect or personal accomplishment.", "pearson_r": 0.03500164074036542, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8171, "freq": 0.019196215343325676, "mean_pos": 4.1751837730407715, "max_act": 17.093040466308594, "log_density": -1.7167843641687117, "top_texts": [ "Stuff that's supposed to help Meditation\nExercise\nFish Oil\nVitamin D\nCold Showers\nNature\nSocialising\nGratitude\n\nWhat am I missing?", "Meditation - I would download head space the first 10 sessions with it are free and you can decide if you want to continue or not for a fee, but it is a good starting place for beginner mediators. I started with head space but now do unguided meditation before and after I sleep. I listen to this I like the elephant so that's why I chose it. If you don't like this one you can just search up unguided meditation music on YouTube or have no music up to you. But I would use head space if you are a beginner at least for the first 10 sessions", "Interesting! I googled Metta meditation and it seems neat. I’ll try it tonight. I’ve been practicing meditation and I think this will be a good thing to add to my toolbox. I’ll also look into fish oil to see if it might work for me. Thanks so much for all the advice!", "Yes, definitely! Meditation is a life saver. I've been doing daily meditation for awhile now. I started thanks to a suggestion I got from someone here before, actually, haha. I would recommend it to anyone. It's something I consider essential now.", "Joga Hinduism And Meditation I did all of the above and literally got BPD, so please for the love of God stay away from it, if you want to get better." ], "top_scores": [ 17.093040466308594, 16.811559677124023, 16.319992065429688, 16.28829574584961, 16.26325035095215 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion and recommendation of mindfulness practices and wellness interventions for mental health management.", "pearson_r": 0.6856513338503419, "pred_f1": 0.8421052631578947 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8247, "freq": 0.021470648440876112, "mean_pos": 3.7268853187561035, "max_act": 14.72359561920166, "log_density": -1.6681548188929038, "top_texts": [ "Ah, the art of acceptance. Nothing has helped me more through life than simply accepting that things are the way they are, people are the way they are, I am the way I am - and the things I'm not content with, I can choose to work on or try to change for myself if I want to. Nothing more, nothing less.", "I don't see my life getting better. Good things never go my way and I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. I have accepted I will more than likely be miserable for the next 60 years of my life and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. It seems like the burden is lighter now. Life sucks, my life is a joke, no woman will ever love me, I will never amount to anything, I will never be happy, I am bound to fail everything I do, nothing will ever work out in my favor, but at least, I can say I have found some peace of mind. It's not like I'll make it out of this shitshow alive anyways. \nhttps://reddit.com/r/depressed/comments/7pb09m/i_have_accepted_depression_as_a_part_of_my_life/", "Thank you for your amazing reply. I really do need to remember that radical acceptance is always an option!", "Well, you accept it. Sometimes it takes time, sometimes years, to process what happened. And that's okay too.", "Do I have to accept life for what it is? This morning I decided to get up and take care of things. I open my garage to get out with my car and I find a pile of shit in front of the garage. I clean it up so my car doesn't go over it and make a mess.\n\nThat pile of shit made me think about life. That's how I see life.... just a pile of shit that needs to be cleaned up. The world expects me to \"accept it\" and clean it up. Well, fuck that! I do not accept life for what it is. I refuse to. I will go down to the grave rejecting life every single time. Life betrayed me deeply by giving me a mental illness that causes depression. I'm deeply disappointed and disgusted by life.\n\nDo you accept life? If you do please share your secret. I don't know how to accept it." ], "top_scores": [ 14.72359561920166, 12.800361633300781, 12.311817169189453, 11.693291664123535, 11.580063819885254 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of radical acceptance as a coping mechanism for life's circumstances.", "pearson_r": 0.6633249580710799, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 322, "freq": 0.023676848545500034, "mean_pos": 3.371703863143921, "max_act": 13.69321346282959, "log_density": -1.6256760855652144, "top_texts": [ "You absolutely have the right to ask for 2 sessions a week. You don't have to be in crisis. However, just be aware that more sessions doesn't necessarily equal quicker progress. It could cause overwhelm, more emotional pain, and more painful transference. More isn't always better. Also, I asked my T for 2 sessions a week a year ago and she flat out said no, she couldn't do that. It felt humiliating to have asked and be \"rejected\" (even though she had a perfect right to prioritise her schedule). So, bear all of this in mind.", "At least 2 weeks before an exam and we have exams almost every week here, so you could say it's almost regularly", "But honestly every 3 months is probably good. I had appointments like you too. 3-5 every week, and that’s what I did. It was like a quarter check in.", "By all means ask, but be prepared for if your T says no though. My UK based therapist also works 4 days a week. I asked for 2x a week after about 6 months together. She said she couldn't accomodate it as her schedule was too full, but she'd let me know if anything changed. I waited until now to ask again (this week) and she now admitted that she felt 2x a week would be too intense for me. It felt like a real kick, as if she avoided being honest with me the first time around. I also felt judged and rejected. My feelings, I know. But just be prepared for all outcomes when you ask.", "I know this exact feeling, like when things just have to come out and you need more time and space with your T to process. I asked my T recently for increasing our sessions to 2x a week because of this. Even though she said she is trained to offer twice weekly therapy, she said she couldn't currently offer me this. She did say \"I'm pleased you felt you could ask\". So, I don't think they mind if you do ask. Be prepared to feel pretty rejected and frustrated if they do say no though. Like you, I thought, \"I will totally understand if they can't accomodate that. There's no harm in asking\". Yeah well, 5 weeks later and I'm still frustrated about it (especially as I now feel there isn’t enough time each week to process what comes up for me). Ask by all means, but expect it to ouch if they do say no, even if you intellectually understand the reasons." ], "top_scores": [ 13.69321346282959, 12.407838821411133, 12.103204727172852, 11.280618667602539, 10.248652458190918 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the logistical and therapeutic negotiation of session frequency with a mental health professional.", "pearson_r": 0.11506590209180158, "pred_f1": 0.2857142857142857 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4079, "freq": 0.02256237632770032, "mean_pos": 3.534231424331665, "max_act": 11.112101554870605, "log_density": -1.6466151420155373, "top_texts": [ "I can write a post here, and notice that I feel frustrated in myself about the situation, but then have *no emotional response* to what others are replying here. At most I might think \"that's an interesting take\" or \"I agree with that\" on a cognitive level, but I don't feel other emotions like validated, supported, understood (basically the connected kinda feelings), even though people on this thread clearly do seem to get it. That's what I mean by can't connect. I have no positive emotional response to what others are bringing to the table. If anything, any emotional response to others is negative: I feel frustrated, burdened, overwhelmed and tired by the input of others.", "Feeling like I'm on a different wavelength than the rest of the world Do any of the rest of you feel like you're on a different wavelength than the rest of the world? My entire life I've felt like I'm on a different frequency than the rest... I rarely am able to connect with people, simply for the reason that I feel no connection. I just feel like I CAN'T connect with anyone else as a friend and it's hard to explain.... the best way I've come up with how to describe with is \"different wavelength\"\n\nIt's starting to get to me. I just crave that deep personal intimate connection with someone, friend or lover. I want to feel less isolated, I want to feel a connection to other people. I have plenty of friends but I feel like I don't connect with Anyone unless it is simply skin deep. I don't know what prevents me from connecting to people, but I've never felt accepted my entire life (family, friends, etc.)\n\nI guess what I'm asking is, do any of the rest of you guys struggle to connect with other people? And do you have any tips?", "But I find it difficult to understand what a deep, and meaningful connection is. I actually feel a deeper connection to fictional worlds, characters, etc. I try really hard to connect with others, but I don't think I can feel what other people feel.", "Yep. It's hard to connect with people when people have ostracized me my entire fucking childhood. ", "yep i feel that. most people feel rewarded by connection in relationships. but i cant connect and therefore dont feel rewarded by relationships." ], "top_scores": [ 11.112101554870605, 10.898954391479492, 10.630043029785156, 9.72437572479248, 9.466769218444824 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a persistent sense of emotional detachment and an inability to form meaningful interpersonal connections.", "pearson_r": 0.235889209132942, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3226, "freq": 0.017513134851138354, "mean_pos": 4.542436599731445, "max_act": 14.120158195495605, "log_density": -1.7566360834476338, "top_texts": [ "It is a thing but reportedly nobody ever shows up...just kidding. I've got no experience with group therapy but I can see it being helpful.", "Is it worth it? I've been in/out of DBT since 2014, along with IOP via Kaiser, and have learned I really, really dislike group settings due to all the sidebars and (in my experience with these groups) constant tangents by other clients. \n\nI really enjoy seeing my individual therapist every week, but I've recently just gotten back into DBT four weeks ago. They have a 3 strike rule before you're dropped, and if I were to miss tonight, I'm out. I'm having a really hard time not being cynical about it because at my first appointment at this new office, it was CONSTANT chit-chat and tangents and sidebars galore. It's pretty intimate, only up to 8 of us at a time, and there are four unlicensed therapists that each have far too much patience with this in my opinion. \n\nI plan on speaking up if this continues tonight, but I'm also not trying to rock the boat because I lucked out on finding this group - it's free and a non-profit. \n\nI plan on going tonight because I know I need it, but...is it worth it? Would going to DBT groups with a closed, cynical mind on the process be the same as someone who's not ready to overcome their addiction? I guess what I mean is if I'm frustrated for most of group because we don't learn what's scheduled (mindfulness, coping skills, regulation, etc.), and I begin to tune it all out, is it a waste of my time because I'm not ready to be helped? I know I need to be more open with this particular group because I've only attended one session so far, but I've been through enough over the past 5 years that it immediately turned me off when the first session was one of the worst in terms of how many times people interjected or cut off the person running the group.", "I'm going to have my fist group therapy ever in 2 days and I'm kinda freaking out.", "Even though I'm not at all comfortable in group settings, I was very happy to attend the group sessions. It really does make a difference to be able to take your problems to a group of people who understands better than most out there what it's like to struggle with your own mind. Some are probably facing the same problems and can share helpful strategies to help deal with them better. I did hear a couple of stories that were incredibly personal and those stories were always highly respected because everyone knew exactly how hard it is to share something personal with others. Every single person I met at the group sessions was super sweet and the whole atmosphere was very relaxed and surprisingly comfortable. If someone showed up but didn't feel like talking, that was perfectly okay. Anyone needed to step out or leave early for any reason, nobody would bat an eye. There was always tea and coffee, usually even fruit too. It was like a tea party and therapy session all rolled into one. Once, a few of us even got together after a session and just hung out together. It was really great. I kinda miss that sometimes.", "I had my first group therapy session today. As expected, it was way less terrible then my procrastination made me believe it'd be. I'm sorry if this is going to be an unorganized mess." ], "top_scores": [ 14.120158195495605, 13.384847640991211, 12.881950378417969, 12.720537185668945, 12.71113395690918 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and anticipation of group therapy settings.", "pearson_r": 0.33222026372718105, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8754, "freq": 0.016444151295289648, "mean_pos": 4.805591583251953, "max_act": 18.528549194335938, "log_density": -1.7839885097135295, "top_texts": [ "Thought that most people just had sh*tty grandparents, that sweet ones were a thing of the past. One set of mine were horrible, grandma is a diagnosed narc & has held a g*n to me over a batch of cookies.\nOther set, grandpa died early, grandma moved in w/ us after for a few years as she declined violently from Alzheimer’s and dementia. She was very violent and did grotesque things I wouldn’t want y’all to read about.\nSo, idk, if someone had sweet parents, much less grandparents, I was always shocked", "My grandma is dieing Please, my soul is so heavy right know, my heart is broken. My grandmother is dieing, I don't know if in the morning she will be here anymore. She was like my mom, she was my friend. First, Alzheimer took her away from me. She doesn't remember me anymore for 1 year. Now the cancer is killing her right in this moment. I can't do anything for her. Please, help me with some advices to control my emotions because I feel like I can't deal with it. This will be the first funeral that I attended. I can't imagine how it will be, I am so confused, I feel like I am in a dream. ", "Doing things like forcing food into child’s moth is how cptsd & eating disorders develop later on in life. I think you seriously need to research different types of abuse & learn better ways to deal with struggles your child is having. That grandmother is trying to protect her grandbaby btw", "Abusers get out of prison very soon I’m a victim of long term (up until I was 12-13) sexual, physical, emotional and verbal abuse as a child, my abusers were my grandfather and my siblings. God it feels so upsetting to call them those titles and it’s been a long time since I have. I’m going to apologize in advanced I’m on Mobil, it’s 4 am, I should be sleeping so I’m understandably sleepy and the formatting won’t be the best but I’m just really in need of some advice. \n\nWell for starters I’m 17 my birthday is in a couple days and instead of being able to feel excitement I’m only feeling panic and impending doom. My abusers get out of prison in August and September and I’m so insanely panicky and having insane episodes relaying my trauma the more these dates creep sooner and no body around me seems to understand in the slightest way. I recently stopped therapy cold turkey going from a session every week for three years because my family had to move due to the upcoming releases of said abusers. I’ve been having worse night terrors and night sweats, I’m hyper aware of everything, I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin anymore everything just getting worse and I don’t know how to deal with it all. My grandmother is choosing to stay with this monster after everything he has done to me and my sister. I don’t understand why she would give up everything to still be with this monster and I feel like it’s somehow my fault for not giving her enough attention and love so she’s seeking it from this man. My mother, sister, and I have repeatedly told her that we probably wouldn’t stay in contact with her if she chooses to take this route, leaving the home she built from the ground up, raised her children in, she has so many memories and it’s her dream home I don’t understand I’m so hurt that she would give up everything she loves for someone who sexually violated her grandchildren. Everything has been so hard lately and I guess I’m just trying to say that I wish I had some friends who knew what I was going through and who could give me advice on how to deal with everything. It feels like nobody around me seems to understand, my boyfriend always gets angry and upset and slanders my grandmother and abusers whenever I try to talk about it or just tells me that maybe I shouldn’t focus on it. He also has trauma from his childhood but hes dealt with it by suppressing it and I wish I could do the same but it’s my every thought, I could be making dinner and a sound could trigger a memory which snowballs into a panic attack and bombarding visuals from my childhood. I feel so damaged and gross I just wish I didn’t exist sometimes so I don’t have to deal with it all.", "I didn't get help when my grandma died, and I feel lost My grandma died two and a half years ago, and I've never really recovered. I lived with her, and took care of her, when she passed away I was devastated. I couldn't even go into her old room for 3 months, and the first time I did I cried for almost an hour. I never got help from a psychiatrist and my life has suffered because of it. I've had trouble making connections, I feel sad constantly, and sometimes even leaving the house can be hard. Part of the reason I never went to a therapist is because I've had really bad experiences with them. They always felt either condescending or argumentative. Now my other grandma may have Alzheimer's and I've just been hit like a fucking truck over it. I cried for almost 10 minutes at work today. I feel so empty and alone. I don't think I can go through this again." ], "top_scores": [ 18.528549194335938, 16.093891143798828, 15.096370697021484, 14.834827423095703, 14.690409660339355 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the emotional impact of complex or traumatic relationships with grandparents.", "pearson_r": 0.42722802538985866, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4330, "freq": 0.02292628562330839, "mean_pos": 3.4377098083496094, "max_act": 10.156400680541992, "log_density": -1.639666282365743, "top_texts": [ "But what I hated the most was all the gossiping and the drama. Because everybody knew everybody, your business was EVERYBODY'S business and everybody had something to say about it and no one forgot anything. Everyone had opinions and there was just no way to escape any of it and because the community is small and close knit, there's a belief that people absolutely have the right to share what they think. There's no anonymity in rural areas. Because everyone knows who you are and your family and your life, any weirdness that happens basically becomes like local legend as opposed to when you're in a city and the people around you just don't know you all that well. A family member has a very public nervous breakdown in a rural area? Everyone knows and it will get passed down like a generational story, even if you, the family member, and your whole damn family move away. That kind of thing happens in the city or suburbs? It's probably alive only for as long as you live there and it might not even live that long.", "I can see how that would feel frustrating. You're not alone, lots of people get told family stories that are inaccurate. Sometimes it is a lie, sometimes its a mistake, and sometimes ancestors cheated on their spouses and nobody knew (resulting in kids not knowing their true bio parentage.)", "Part of what makes good writing is having small specific details and the little stories that make up the novel as a whole. This is why I was hoping that, if you are interested, you could send me stories of your experiences in an abusive relationship - whatever detail you choose to send, it doesn't have to be anything \"epic\" and \"grand,\" it could be the smallest segment that you hold significance to. If you have any questions about what I'm looking for, let me know - though I'm really looking for anything! Feel free to post them here, or private message me. Thank you in advance <3", "I'm not quite sure what you mean by my story. Do you just mean why I think it's hell, or like some episodes in my life that happened as a result of it?", "I'm struggling and I have noone to text right now. Anyone care to tell me a story? Any sort of story is appreciated. Might take your mind of things as well." ], "top_scores": [ 10.156400680541992, 9.558327674865723, 9.15368938446045, 9.063106536865234, 9.005032539367676 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the request for, sharing of, or reflection upon personal narratives and storytelling.", "pearson_r": 0.49361259686574377, "pred_f1": 0.7407407407407407 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6717, "freq": 0.022539631996724815, "mean_pos": 3.4913666248321533, "max_act": 11.50801944732666, "log_density": -1.6470531596650173, "top_texts": [ "Also I’m always at home. Unless I’m at the hospital I’m at home. So it’d probably be good for me to get out the house too.", "There have been multiple moments regarding being comfortable in our own home. And I feel the same.", "I'm definitely more at peace when I'm at home but I'm not tense or necessarily uncomfortable in public. I was when I was younger and had anxiety issues though.", "TFW you want to go home, but you’re already there Like wtf! I mean, if I’m home and I feel like this then where is home?", "My life has positives, too. When I'm at home, things can be pretty okay. If I don't have to do anything, I can just ignore myself and let my worries go, because I'm at home and I can feel invisible, in a good way." ], "top_scores": [ 11.50801944732666, 10.291016578674316, 10.282722473144531, 10.21556282043457, 9.234489440917969 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological significance of the home as a primary space for emotional regulation, safety, and identity.", "pearson_r": 0.6499234521655545, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 388, "freq": 0.015147724429685901, "mean_pos": 5.162289142608643, "max_act": 18.52130889892578, "log_density": -1.8196525755774209, "top_texts": [ "hey man, nothing is wrong with being a manipulator. i've been manipulating since i was 8 years old. just embrace it and try to get as much as you can from people.", "I was lowkey looking for that comment, since OP's post left me with utter confusion. Unless it's pretending, of course, but you can't pretend you're goodie-two-shoes all the damn time. Whether you like one person or don't, manipulation comes like an instinct that's been engraved on our brains since we were infants. All infants are born huge manipulators, as they don't even require the need to speak in order to make adults get what they want. As we grow older, some either lose that ability or forget about it, while others become refined at it and continue to perfect it throughout their teens and adult life.\n\nHowever I wouldn't call that a choice. Obviously when you see an opportunity, a possible benefit or just some spiritually weak person, regardless of how close that person is to you, it would pull you like a magnet and you'd definitely grab on that opportunity and sink your teeth into it like a hungry pitbull. Sometimes you wouldn't even know if you're manipulating a person, because you're so used to it at this point that it becomes as natural as drinking water when the bottle is next to you without thinking about it. But that's just me.\n\nUsually what drives me to consciously or subconsciously manipulate someone is my unquenchable thirst for money and that materialistic piece of shit brain inside my head that calculates most human interactions in currency. Ah, and let's not forget: trouble with the cops. It's so easy and amusing to watch these pigs forget to do their own damn job when trying to make you sing, because they're too busy eye-fucking you and nodding to every lie you spill.", "u/ParkingPsychology spot on as always with great resources, but so let me just reiterate on questions because I had the same feeling after reading OP.\n\nWhy do you hate being manipulative?\n\nDo you feel it's morally wrong and makes you a bad person so you don't want to be doing it?\n\nDo you not want to do that because of the impact it has on other people?\n\nDo you not want to do it purely because there's a social stigma on being manipulative?\n\nAlso:\n\n>Sadly, a pretty good one.\n\nI think that's a misconception. It's like saying in Europe, that, I dunno: \"I'm really great at collecting or Guatemalan coins\" - you can be terrible at this, but since you probably won't meet anyone else doing it you'll be at the same time best.\n\nNot that many people are manipulative, and as a result, not many people naturally suspect it, defends against it. It feels like you're good at it, but in the end, it's like stilling lollipops from kids. There's is a need for a major part of society to be relatively honest and not manipulative for our world to even exist.\n\nWhen I was younger I used to lie to people when they asked me for time on the direction on the street, because I could, because I find it funny. But they trusted me, not because I'm an exceptional liar, but because why in the world would I lie it probably would cross anyone's mind to be suspicious about it? Similar goes for more complex manipulation in adult life. People trust you not because you're good at manipulation, but because we need to trust each other to some extent as a species.\n\nAnd your fiance is the best example of that. You exposed him to manipulation multiple times and now he sees is as the possibility and it's not that easy anymore. He will be a probably more difficult target to manipulate for anyone for the rest of his life because first hand learned that not everyone follows societal rules and not everyone is being honest.\n\nI think I am manipulative, I don't know if I'm good at it because I don't think there's a clear benchmark for me to define it. But I don't have a problem with being manipulative. I think being capable of being manipulative without the feeling of guilt is a really useful skill in life. But I would guess you can just stop if it's not compulsive. \n\n> at times it feels so good \n\nSo does eating sweets, doing drugs and hundreds of other things, but if you feel bad about something you just stop doing it.", "Diagnosed and agree completely with everything you've written. Honestly, you put it in words better than I could. There was a comment I posted some time ago, explaining how manipulation plays a natural part in human nature and comparing it to the act of unconsciously reaching for a bottle of water when your body feels thirst.\n\nAlso describing how some signs of manipulation can be seen in all infants and young children. If a child wants something from their parents, they're going to either hit you with the puppy eyes, or exaggerate their crying until their wishes are fulfilled. They don't even need to use words in order to have it their way and make their parents entirely occupied and obligated to do everything for them, and yet, nobody acknowledges this type of manipulation.\n\nEveryone has used manipulation for one thing or another, many times in their life, even the goodie-two-shoes NTs. Whether that would be lying during a job interview or using specific forms of language to get the job they desire, using that on your colleagues, parents or teachers. It's an opportunity that you'd do anything to get, even if that means using manipulation.\n\nNow, what makes a difference between us and NTs is how often you use manipulation and for what purpose. It's been said that ASPD and Cluster B alike use manipulation for malicious purposes and personal gain with little to no regards on how the other person may feel. While that is true, I can safely say it's not always the case. Sometimes I'd use manipulation to change a friend's point of view if it's obviously clear that they are on the wrong path, or encourage them to do better.", "How can i be less manipulative? it was pointed out the extent that my manipulation goes to. Does anyone know any ways to stop doing and repeating the same attempts at manipulation over and over again." ], "top_scores": [ 18.52130889892578, 18.5115909576416, 18.443300247192383, 16.28030776977539, 15.902112007141113 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the nature, morality, and behavioral patterns of interpersonal manipulation.", "pearson_r": 0.688105747041984, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2465, "freq": 0.016876293583824233, "mean_pos": 4.612585544586182, "max_act": 15.688087463378906, "log_density": -1.772722902405307, "top_texts": [ "I'm sorry OP, I understand your despair here, but I would have to say that your T is really just doing their job. It will be a painful lesson to learn I'm afraid.", "LOL my T is relational psychodynamic and she can also be quite cold with stuff like this. I'm like \"Where's the relational part??\" Maybe we have the same therapist.....", "Interesting. I think my T must just be a hard core traditionalist then. She was originally trained psychoanalytically.", "What kind of things does your T say and how do they phrase it?", "Yeah, my T is quite psychoanalytical and part of me is worried she's going to read more into it than just \"forgetting\" as well." ], "top_scores": [ 15.688087463378906, 15.679848670959473, 15.633763313293457, 15.012619018554688, 14.69825553894043 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents discussions regarding the therapeutic relationship and the specific clinical orientation of a therapist.", "pearson_r": 0.297517893202544, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4156, "freq": 0.02329019491891646, "mean_pos": 3.32663631439209, "max_act": 10.46574878692627, "log_density": -1.6328268581314231, "top_texts": [ "Ohh, yea i see, i make sure to bring that topic in my next appointment", "I’ll definitely consider hitting up one of the girls from my meeting and talking to them. Thank you :)", "I will make it a point to request it on my next appointment. ", "Okay, you make a fair point. I'll remember this when I talk to my therapist next week.", "It does help, I'm going to come up with some goals now and start working towards them." ], "top_scores": [ 10.46574878692627, 9.343616485595703, 8.546910285949707, 8.448755264282227, 8.43724250793457 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the proactive intent to engage in clinical or therapeutic follow-up actions.", "pearson_r": 0.34167093169716883, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9730, "freq": 0.0182864421043055, "mean_pos": 4.184444427490234, "max_act": 14.672550201416016, "log_density": -1.7378707609203452, "top_texts": [ "I wasted another whole year Soon it will be January 1st, 2019. It’s the same shit over and over. ", "New Year, New Misery. 2019. I almost scoff at the very name of it. 2017 was horrible, 2018 was worse, what shall 2019 have for us? Most likely something worse than 2018. 2018 Part 2, if you will. I don't want to live to see it. More lost opportunities, more insufferable school days that make me want to rip my eyes out, more lonely nights with nobody to love or be loved by, more moments to be made fun of, more moments for misery. I don't want to be alive for it. I want to die. Why can't I just die without being afraid to kill myself? The irony. I'm a walking contradiction. \n\nHere's to a new year. Let's see if I make it all the way through without shooting myself. ", "I'm not gonna make it past 2019 \"New year, new me\" yeah nope. I already know this year is gonna fucking suck. As if 2018 wasn't bad enough already. My \"friends\" are all out getting drunk and having fun tonight while I'm stuck in my room mustering up a will to live and they don't even have the audacity to reply to my texts and invite me out with them. I can't see 2019 getting any better. I hope all of you are having better NYE's than I am..", "For me this has been the worst year in my whole life, I can only hope the new year will be even a little better and full of pain and suffering like this one and even with just a little better will do.", "Happy New Year!! It’s already January 2 where I live and I’m already silently crying inside my bedroom. \n\nI just want to say kudos to the people who are already making 2020 their year and finally decides to fight their inner demons! :)" ], "top_scores": [ 14.672550201416016, 13.613113403320312, 13.47839641571045, 13.030242919921875, 12.616744995117188 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures anticipatory dread and existential hopelessness specifically associated with the transition into a new calendar year.", "pearson_r": 0.4583739365645442, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 153, "freq": 0.02203925671526372, "mean_pos": 3.468778610229492, "max_act": 10.978106498718262, "log_density": -1.6568030366620692, "top_texts": [ "I feel this. I’m black but grew up in a predominantly white community, so when around black people I was called white washed and things like that. Not fun", "yeah :( i feel you still have the shorter end of the stick, since the whole \"black culture feels threatening thing\" seems to me, and its very opinionated for me to say, makes it seem like there's enormous pressure on black people to conform and people please, and essentially take on/put on whiteness socially. i recently learned the term code switching from a black friend although she was actually using the term in reference to being specifically a black woman. im a trans woman, but white, and just realizing how much differently the world sees me when i start trying to be myself (and looking female vs trying to look female is a big difference, both compared to just appearing to be an ordinary white male). \n\nthe thing i hate is that the stereotypical judgements come more reactively than the realization that the judgements are hollow and are just roadblocks to real connection between people. i remember in grade school i was much more able to talk to people of different cultures and skin tones, but i realize in retrospect i still ended up in a group of all white people, and i can't help but feel i was subcosnciously exclusionary (\"in group bias\" is what i think it is, but idk)", "I’m sorry that you experienced being demonized though. That must have hurt being pushed out of communities that you felt you were a part of.", "Borderline is especially stigmatized. I'm so sorry you were treated that way. Thank you for maintaining empathy for our community. <3", "Yeah, TikTok and Twitter are vicious towards Black women. I'm an elder millennial (36) and I am so glad that my formative years were before TikTok and Twitter became a thing because I'm sure they would have absolutely killed my self-esteem. It was already difficult enough growing up but those cesspools would have cratered it. I feel really badly for young Black girls growing up today, without seeing things like Living Single, A Different World, etc when they were young and those images being able to give them different images of lots of different types of Black women instead of what we have now, which is essentially biracial women representing all Black women. I can understand why Gen Z seem so obsessed with getting white people to like them and so uncomfortable I guess? with being Black, even if it makes me really sad for them. It's hard out here for Black girls. Even Black men are down on us, which is a damn shame." ], "top_scores": [ 10.978106498718262, 10.363561630249023, 10.002015113830566, 9.969541549682617, 9.739736557006836 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures experiences of systemic social marginalization, racial identity conflict, and external stigmatization.", "pearson_r": 0.8316250414448698, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4670, "freq": 0.0161939636545591, "mean_pos": 4.700699806213379, "max_act": 18.230072021484375, "log_density": -1.7906468129631803, "top_texts": [ "I have a phobia of vomit. The act of, feeling sick, seeing someone else get sick… it’s a mess.", "Yesss it's the worst 😭 it doesn't help that stress in general makes me nauseous too", "I’ve always been terrified of others throwing up, but the fear of myself throwing up came later on in my life, probably around middle school. I remember washing my hands until they bled, I wasn’t sick at all throughout middle and most of high school but my senior year I got a horrible stomach bug and was terrified. I don’t know if there was any one trigger. I remember when kids would tu in elementary school and I couldn’t just run away, that trapped feeling really made me scared.", "I have this feeling of dread about school right before I go to bed and I wake up with an upset stomach which lasts all day and nakes me feel like I'll throw up. This causes me to lose appetite and not wanting to drink water for fear of throwing up. I'm not sure where else to go with this, but I need help. If any of you have this, can you tell me how you deal with it? I'm tired of having this every day and feeling like I'll throw up.", "Hi fellow BPD haver with emetophobia! My FP has such a sensitive stomach and he’d throw up a lot (we lived together for two years.) every morning brushing his teeth, occasionally when drinking, we both got the stomach flu together. It’s such an interesting dynamic about how having an FP kind of overpowers the phobia! Proud of you." ], "top_scores": [ 18.230072021484375, 17.296897888183594, 17.159175872802734, 16.861421585083008, 16.452526092529297 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents emetophobia, the intense fear of vomiting and associated nausea-related anxiety.", "pearson_r": 0.4286056832696968, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2052, "freq": 0.01446539450042077, "mean_pos": 5.246860504150391, "max_act": 18.057971954345703, "log_density": -1.839669687746921, "top_texts": [ "Not necessarily. Masking is often rooted in anxiety. Learning more about socialization and people to gain insight on how to navigate situations does not always mean you are masking your authentic self. When a neurotypical child learns to say please and thank you, they are not masking, they are learning. It is masking when I don't share my interests out of worry, time my conversation entry like a hawk, hide my emotions to please others or change the way I look to fit in. All those involve suppressing your true self. Learning to socialise can actually be really helpful when you are still being your authentic self.", "It's weird, people sometimes talk about unmasking and all I can think is \"huh, I'm ONLY a mask\"", "I got really good at masking, too. It made it take years longer to come to the right diagnosis.", "Yeah it's really difficult because usually when you need to mask the most, the more stressed you are", "Thanks. I frequently discuss and allude to masking here, so that sub looks perfect for me." ], "top_scores": [ 18.057971954345703, 17.92622947692871, 17.423437118530273, 17.41110610961914, 16.998104095458984 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The concept of social masking and the performance of a persona to navigate neurodivergent or social challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.31635611389441515, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7310, "freq": 0.025382673368662862, "mean_pos": 2.9705824851989746, "max_act": 7.550604343414307, "log_density": -1.5954626217068908, "top_texts": [ "Not to mention that changed happened after one of the suicides.", "Problem with diagnose After years of being diagnosed with schizophrenia, my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with a severe depression and that I have no signs of schizophrenia. Does it happen a lot ? Are there a lot of similarities that could have lead him to a wrong diagnostic ? I go to a public mental facility and it's not easy to change psychiatrist. I don't really care about the name of my disorder, I'm just really scared of changing my medication. I can't really afford a private psychiatrist but I might do it if it means I have to go back to where I was before.\n Did it ever happen to you ? Did it deteriorate your mental health to switch medication ?\nAnd sorry, English is not my first language", "You decided to change the meaning of the comic into one that your are comfortable with", "I'm saying I eventually changed the beliefs. It took a long time. I'm sure there are some left but I think the worst is over", "Possible misdiagnosed? I was diagnosed with BPD last year at a psych ward. Previously, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and schizoaffective depression.\n\nMy current psychiatrist (who is retiring) just diagnosed me with schizoaffective psychosis. Now I’m very confused about what I have.\n\nHas anyone else had trouble with diagnosis?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.550604343414307, 7.506300449371338, 6.7982354164123535, 6.458629608154297, 6.318357467651367 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of diagnostic uncertainty, revision, or the questioning of previous psychiatric labels.", "pearson_r": 0.1797731238766686, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4418, "freq": 0.020606363863806945, "mean_pos": 3.6510400772094727, "max_act": 10.157232284545898, "log_density": -1.6859986146657717, "top_texts": [ "Psdeuotumor Cerebri is the main chronic illness. But it came with a bunch of other complications as most brain disorders do", "But I have heard of it being a symptom as well and to be honest, it can affect any part of the brain so it seem a fair point that also this can be a symptom.", "Of course there can also be the situation that it's not directly related to your brain tumor or in other words a mental disorder that just happens to coincide with your diagnosis of brain cancer.", "I got sick from a brain disorder when I was 16. So since then I’ve been in and out of the hospital, so like all the tests have been run. I’ve seen every specialist. I go to hospital all the time.", "The resection was last year in July. I got done with chemo in March. Then I had another epileptic seizure after the chemo was over with... so now I'm dealing with that." ], "top_scores": [ 10.157232284545898, 9.895383834838867, 9.847524642944336, 8.75049877166748, 8.657999992370605 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of chronic neurological conditions, brain disorders, and their associated medical treatment pathways.", "pearson_r": 0.12042076271477196, "pred_f1": 0.5925925925925926 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1157, "freq": 0.01817272044942798, "mean_pos": 4.0485053062438965, "max_act": 16.25469398498535, "log_density": -1.7405800302061847, "top_texts": [ "Anyone here diagnosed with sensory hypersensitivity too? I got diagnosed with add recently. It came as no surprise to me, and to be honest now that sensory hypersensitivity got diagnosed too, it didn't really come as a surprise either. I get really annoyed by certain sounds. I don't mean like mild irritability either. I mean I get angry, illogically angry. I know it's an overreaction too, but I can't help it. \n\nSo I was wondering if it's a common side-symptom of ADD?", "Are you particularly sensitive to colors and sounds? I am curious to know if it's common to be particularly sensitive to colors and sounds in people with adhd/add .\n\nI am asking that because personally I always have been really sensitive to visual stimulation and a bit with some particular sounds as well. (Didn't disappeared/enhanced with medication)\n\nSome colors/type of light literally make my brain sparkling and shine it's an awesome feeling, but some others are soooo present/anoying that i can't think straight. Same for sounds. At a certain point if there's 1 or 2 noises that I can't stand it seems like every thing is equally extremely loud (even when its a sound far away compared to someone talking in front of me) sometimes i just want to yell and go out of a room but well its not really an option socially 😂 haha\n\nI'm more open since few years to speak about it and i realize it's really not that common...my friends love me because I'm special i guess haha\n", "Though sensitivity to lights/sounds would be interesting to look into as well, as I'm very sensitive to those things myself.", "how to deal with intense sensory overload? it doesn't happen a lot, but every once in a while i get sensory overload that is so severe that pretty much *everything* becomes unbearable. i could be laying complete still in a pitch black room with absolutely no noise whatsoever, and i'd still be feeling overwhelmed. my brain just finds something ridiculous to overreact about. like the touch of my mattress against my body when i try to lie or sit down, or the ground underneath my feet when i'm just standing. \ni catch myself getting overwhelmed by the feeling of my hair on my head. not of having hair fall in my face or my neck, but just by the pantom pressure it puts on my head by just.. being there. sometimes my own thoughts become too much. the nature of the thought doesn't matter at all, all my mind focuses on is that the sheer act of thinking is somehow too loud or too bright. other times i become extremely aware of other parts of my body, like the teeth in my mouth, and my brain just decides that having teeth has suddenly become unberable. it's hard to put it into words while even remotely trying to make sense. i obviously can't just go and stop thinking, or randomly get rid of my teeth (i'd really like to keep them actually, my brain just doesn't seem to agree with me).\n\nsleeping sadly doesn't really work at all since my brain can't manage to calm down enough for that.\n\nI'd really appreciate if anyone could maybe spare some advice.", "I’d say it’s because of the nervous system. You’re alert when your senses change to keep you alive. Hypersensitivity to noise could be sensory issues, auditory processing issues, or trauma related reasons that cause someone to associate loud noises with stress, danger or shame." ], "top_scores": [ 16.25469398498535, 15.533659934997559, 15.410799980163574, 14.83411979675293, 13.911848068237305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of sensory hypersensitivity and sensory overload.", "pearson_r": 0.5243055915488455, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 678, "freq": 0.019719334955762276, "mean_pos": 3.7076234817504883, "max_act": 10.209250450134277, "log_density": -1.7051077139183306, "top_texts": [ "Losing touch with reality If someone is has severe depression and thinks about suicide everyday, can they lose touch with reality and not be able to tell right from wrong? For example resulting in impulsive behavior? Especially higher likeliness of commiting crimes? Unstable relationships? And the need to socialize?", "The Root of Reality I hope I'm not violating any rules of this sub, I looked over the sidebar and you guys seem like a pretty open community. I want to say first and foremost that I'm a fiction writer and am interested in first hand experiences of reality-breaks, and it seemed natural to come here and ask, humbly, for an insight on something I don't understand. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nWith that being said, I'm interested in the process of rationality of perceived reality and understood reality. My question being, how do you understand the difference between what's real and what's perceived? Is there a thought process, a technique, a mode you engage when dealing with your disease that helps you separate the ghosts of the mind versus the tangible reality? I'm curious as to how to describe how reality and fiction differentiate, and what type of techniques you can employ to cement the real versus the imagined. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nThanks for any responses in advance. ", "Anyone here struggle with Dream-Reality Confusion? If so, what the heck do you do about it? I’m suffering a great deal. I’m wickedly unmedicated due to a failure of a mental healthcare system around this area I live in and man my dreams are wild and probably super stressed induced, even if I don’t go to bed necessarily anxious or depressed or stressed.\nI get up in the morning and I have a hard time telling if things really happened in real life or not.", "Anyone else not know where reality and their BPD begin & end? I constantly question if my perceptions and emotions are legitimately justifiable, or if I’m just overreacting, being overly paranoid, etc. because of my BPD and I’m not seeing the reality of something. ", "I'm at a point where It's difficult for me to distinguish between reality and the world in my head." ], "top_scores": [ 10.209250450134277, 10.11440372467041, 10.047893524169922, 9.995651245117188, 9.79732894897461 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of derealization or the inability to distinguish between internal perceptions and external reality.", "pearson_r": 0.35944174856224514, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2192, "freq": 0.016535128619191666, "mean_pos": 4.383327484130859, "max_act": 15.909204483032227, "log_density": -1.7815923962943334, "top_texts": [ "Stopping phone addiction Okay, I got this app called Space. Its for your phone and it is supposed to ask you once in a while if there is something else you should be doing. Like, a popup reminder to stop staring at your phone and get on with your life. I tried it out today and found myself spontaneously recaulking my bathroom tiles at midnight...we could be unstoppable if we just weren't so distracted. Imagine the things we could do!", "An app made sense for this, since so many people have a phone. But sometimes a solution can raise more problems! If we had an app that says \"domestic violence escape plan,\" and if the abuser checks the user's phone, that's even worse than a paper form. So here's the solution we came up with: the app is ostensibly a \"quote of the day\" app, just like so many others. You open it up and it just looks like any other, with inspirational quotes (carefully chosen to be relevant without appearing relevant, by the way).", "Found a new habit app that I thought some of you might like too! Hey everyone!\n\nI just saw this app on the iOS App Store’s Today tab, and I thought I’d check it out. I think the UI is gorgeous, and the idea seems really promising, so I thought I’d share it here so more people can maybe benefit from it: \n\n[Fabulous App](https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/fabulous-motivate-me/id1203637303?mt=8)", "The app “Moment” lets you set hours you intend to not be on your phone.", "Smartphone apps to help I use the ADDA app (mood tracking, notes, a shit load of useful stuff holy crap), as well as Mindly (organize thoughts) , Forest (helping you leave your phone alone), and Routinist. \n\nRoutinist isn’t amazing IMO but the tutorial’s user interface amazes me. Mindly is good for writing things down and keeping thoughts together. The ADDA app does practically everything, I’ve only had it for one day. \n\nWhat do you use? \n\nEdit: The app is from the ADDA, but is titled “ADHD health storyline”\n[Android App link](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.selfcarecatalyst.healthstorylines.adda) Credit to u/MightyWolf13\n[Apple App link](https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/adhd-health-storylines/id982558011?t=8) " ], "top_scores": [ 15.909204483032227, 15.573125839233398, 15.079742431640625, 14.853813171386719, 14.801675796508789 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the recommendation or discussion of mobile applications as tools for behavioral management, habit tracking, or mental health support.", "pearson_r": 0.486764348588902, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2915, "freq": 0.02119771646917006, "mean_pos": 3.4026849269866943, "max_act": 8.947867393493652, "log_density": -1.6737109005765536, "top_texts": [ "It takes them **three weeks** to call me. I'm currently working 7.30am to 6pm with a 30 minute lunch that is not at a set time. We spend about 2 weeks playing voicemail tag but never getting to speak. - I get a call from my GPs office, stating that the o2 place reported I had said I didn't want the machine because it was too expensive. I told my GP that I hadn't even gotten prices out of them yet!", "I absentmindedly set my phone down and now I can't find it. it's been four days since I last saw it. I am going insane at this point. My parents have been helping me look but we've basically turned my house upside down and it hasn't appeared yet. I just want to cry at this point. How am I *THIS* absentminded?\n\nEDIT: I FOUND IT!! IT WAS IN A BIN WITH CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS THAT HAD BEEN PUT AWAY!!!", "* The survey usually only takes about 5 minutes (or less) to complete - but you can take as long as you like! * Please note that this survey is best viewed via a computer screen, rather than on a mobile phone. Interested? Here's the link: ", "How long did it take for you to get your diagnosis after getting evaluated by your psychiatrist? I went in almost two weeks ago and haven’t heard anything, was just curious if that’s normal and I’m just being impatient or if I should contact his office?", "Any stories of the time you lost something, and spent way to much time looking for it? I would love to hear your story of misplacing an important item. \n \nI just spent 2 hours outside searching for my phone. It's snowing and there is a high wind warning. \n \nMy phone was in the silverware drawer the whole time. Why am I like this?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.947867393493652, 8.091564178466797, 7.998133182525635, 7.821722030639648, 7.7330641746521 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the frustration and anxiety associated with time-sensitive logistical delays and the misplacement of personal items.", "pearson_r": 0.24445274994316546, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6716, "freq": 0.020378920554051903, "mean_pos": 3.5218193531036377, "max_act": 11.52706241607666, "log_density": -1.6908188024452393, "top_texts": [ "We closed out our list and we are SOOOOOO grateful of everyone's heart who donated. Thank you all so much who openly donated and anonymously donated food and a gift card. This community is full of good people, and we are grateful for it. Can't wait to pay it forward! Thank you again!", "What are you thankful for? For me: Today I'm feeling thankful for being alive. I'm very grateful for my family, our health, our safety, my jobs, my home. I have pain in my foot/leg from an injury I had surgery, as painful as it can be it has also made me grateful for being able to walk.", "Feeling grateful On saturday I will be going to a children's theatre with my niece and my mother. The tickets are a birthday present from my brother and his wife.\n\nAnd I'm in tears because they support and respect me beside all the shit I'm doing. And they trust me enough to take care of their 2y old toddler. At least for a few hours ^^\n\nProbably nothing special to others but I rarely feel grateful for sth. in my life and I wanted to tell somebody. \n\nThanks for listening and take good care of yourself!", "If you have ever made a change in someone's life, if you have ever made someone happy, then this 'thank you' is for you!! I'm going through a very rough period in my life. I'm hopeless, I don't know what tomorrow will bring me. I have been put down by the people I love the most, but there are people out there, there are good people out there, who are trying their best to make me feel better. These people do everything in their power to help me overcome this situation. So this is a big thank you to all the good people out there. Selfless people are still out there. Humanity is not dead. So if you're suffering from something, if you need help, please put your hands forward! Thousand good people will reach out to you and grab by your hand. \nMay happiness find you all! ", "If anything I've learned gratitude throughout this and that to me is an amazing thing." ], "top_scores": [ 11.52706241607666, 10.973284721374512, 10.692652702331543, 10.598204612731934, 9.831006050109863 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of gratitude and appreciation for positive life circumstances or interpersonal support.", "pearson_r": 0.40089186286863654, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8488, "freq": 0.015443400732367458, "mean_pos": 4.6387739181518555, "max_act": 20.418472290039062, "log_density": -1.8112570310161422, "top_texts": [ "I used the term splitting with my therapist the other day and he asked me to explain it further, and then I asked, how they/therapist describe “splitting” of course he kept it simple and said it’s part of the all or nothing/ black or white thinking.", "Not an example of Splitting: my ex cheated on me and beat me and emotional abused me so I hate her guts, even while we were together and I refused to leave her because I loved her I also hated her. I loved her because I was desperate, but i hated her for abusing me.", "splitting learned from parents? DAE think they learned splitting from how their parents talked to them? For me my mother would alternate between telling me how I was the most wonderful daughter, and telling me she was \"ashamed any daughter of hers . . . \" or that I would end up like the aunt she and my dad hated who had addiction and mental health issues. I feel like I learned to split myself, and therefore tend to split others as well? ", "Yep! Very much a thing. I'm way more likely to split on someone who is a significant other, or close friend. It's because I'm much more invested and afraid of them leaving and abandoning me. There's a lot more to lose, and the emotions involved are heightened. It's easy to get triggered in that emotional environment. However, this is so contradictory, you know? The splitting just pushes them away. It's a really bad cycle to be caught in, and I unfortunately still do it quite a bit, even with therapy and dbt.", "Anyone ever had an experience with splitting? I'm splitting right now, and now i just come to the realization that splitting is so extreme. When i'm in love with someone, i couldn't sleep, loss appetite and caused loss weight. And when i hate someone, i didn't want to eat, full of anger, dissociate (feels like i'm not real and floating), and numbness" ], "top_scores": [ 20.418472290039062, 19.909934997558594, 18.85159683227539, 18.622648239135742, 18.279052734375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological concept of \"splitting,\" characterized by black-and-white thinking and oscillating between idealization and devaluation in interpersonal relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.049937616943892225, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6195, "freq": 0.02340391657379398, "mean_pos": 3.0361437797546387, "max_act": 9.909950256347656, "log_density": -1.63071144009941, "top_texts": [ "I've never asked anyone out in my life. I've had girls interested in me since I was a child, but it never amounted to much. High school was no different, I'd always come with any excuse to avoid the relationship, even if the feelings were mutual. It rarely ever worked out for me. I've had some women take the initiative, but even then, it got nowhere. I could barely speak to them. I was only able to speak with them in a limited capacity, that too, online only. In-person, I couldn't do anything beyond saying 'Hi' or 'Hello.' I didn't even do the adding on messenger, they had to ask my friend for details. That's always how it's been for me. It was always a friend that intervened and forced me to add her on messenger, I couldn't do anything like that. The most I can do is sometimes stare, and maybe get close. \n\nI don't think It's impossible. I've seen some with AvPD that have managed it, but I think its mostly women that have had more success, and I think that's because shyness in women is socially acceptable. Shyness in men is seen as undesirable. Plus, in most cultures, men are required to initiate or take things further, and that's something I can never do.\n\nAnyways, I don't think it's possible for me personally, but it might be for some Avoidants. I might be miserable alone, but at least I feel safer. I'm 32, so I think that ship has pretty much sailed. Will I find someone in the future? Highly unlikely, my behaviors, thoughts, and life haven't changed much at all. I don't even go out much, so the chances of me running into potential relationships are quite low, and even if I got the chance, it's not something I could pursue at this stage of my life. I'm not ready, despite my age. I don't have friends anymore, but I know all my high school friends are either married or in relationships, and they have been for years. My siblings are all married, so yeah, I don't see myself being with anyone anytime soon.", ">Where are you at in terms of self acceptance?\n\nI'm 31 years old and still haven't been able to accept myself.\n\n>Are you currently trying to change or reduce your avoidant pd symptoms?\n\nNot really. I've been actively learning about AvPD in hopes that I could overcome it but apart from the insight gained nothing has changed. I haven't been actively trying to put myself in anxiety provoking situations. I do occasionally try gradual exposure but I haven't tried it consistently and the results can be mixed.\n\n>Do you find it easier to live with avoidant pd now as opposed to when you were younger?\n\nIt's far more difficult as I've aged. Based on the research I've seen AvPD becomes worse as a person ages. It's certainly the case for me. I'm more isolated than I've ever been in my life and I struggle with basic things like going to store, getting a haircut and things that many people wouldn't even think about. I don't even think I can work, attend school or anything like that anymore.\n\n>Has anyone here basically given up on life for the most part? If so, what tipped you over into just not being able to keep the fight up?\n\nYes. I've largely given up but there are occasions where I feel motivated to make some changes but that drive typically doesn't last very long. I think I gave up because there's no real progress, any small progress that occurs is often followed by regression in which case you're back where you were again. It's a pointless exercise and it's incredibly draining to fight your own personality on a daily basis.\n\n>Have you improved different aspects of avoidant pd since you hit middle age?\n\nThe only area that I've improved on is the ability to speak on the phone and speak to people in person for very short durations. I'm still terrified of speaking on the phone and meeting people but when I was in my 20's I couldn't manage speaking on the phone without freezing or stuttering. I couldn't meet people before either. It was achieved by gradual exposure, which I didn't even know I was doing. At 31 I haven't improved anymore, I think that achievement was my plateau. I think social skills training would probably help for some people but it doesn't solve the problem.\n\n>What advice would you love to give the 10-12 year old version of yourself?\n\nMaybe to seek therapy and socialize more. I remember myself being a bit more confident when I was younger and I didn't have phobias to the extent that I do today. I didn't have as many issues doing basic tasks. I was always shy but I noticed that it got worse as I've aged.\n\n>Do you think if you went back to junior high school armed with everything you know now, could you have turned out differently?\n\nIf I'm honest I don't think so. I've been like this since I was a baby, I think there's a genetic and tempermental component. My uncle and dad told me that I would cry if anyone but my mother held me. This behavior was specific to me and not my siblings and it was the case as I grew older. I was that kid hiding behind my dads knees when strangers came over. I would also cry often and still do at 31. I would cry at school or in public, not that I enjoyed crying but I was highily sensitive. One of my teachers asked my dad if I was autistic. My high school teacher also knew something was wrong, she asked if I didn't want to do presentations because of my \"Problem\" and this was before I knew I even had a problem. I did very poorly in school, I just didn't have any interest in anything except computer classes. I did really well in anything computer related.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI'm only 31 but I don't see myself making to 50. I think I'll be around till about 35 years of age and I said this when I was about 24 years old because ever since after high school life has been worse and nothing has changed. It's actually worse now and I think it's because there's next to no connection with family and everyone has moved on which increases isolation. My siblings are all married with kids, my dad and evil step mom seldom call or even ask about me. I have issues with sucidial ideation and I think most Avoidants deal with this issue. I actually overdosed back in 2014 and that was when my diagnosis for AvPD came up at the mental hospital. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts or plans on a daily basis. I don't think I'd act on it anymore but I'm not entirely sure either. It wasn't only AvPD. I actually had to deal with panic disorder and psychosis right about after high school. The panic attacks would occur 2-3 times daily and nothing helped until I had to see psychiatrist because I couldn't take it anymore. I avoided seeing a psychiatrist for about a year. After I saw him he gave me anti-psychotics and the symptoms gradually stopped and I got decent sleep again. The avoidance was always there of course but the panic attacks now rarely occur and the psychotic symptoms are gone.", "Your story resonates with me because it was also very similar to my experience. In high school, I wasn't too bad in terms of friends, social life, and things of that nature. Gradually, the same thing happened. I started with friends to no friends at all. I was also failing night school, was struggling with panic attacks, and I couldn't attend anymore. No relationships either, couldn't hold down jobs. I genuinely tried with jobs, but people either wouldn't hire me because of my shyness or I couldn't handle being around others, and couldn't handle doing interviews. I can't even take public transport anymore, and in high school, it was something I'd do daily. Not that It wasn't difficult at the time, but gradually it's become far more difficult. The older I get, the worse it seems to get.\n\nI'm 32 years old now, and nothing has changed since high school. I did improve my social skills to an extent, but I can't do normal things. Going to places can be a challenge, and especially places I've never been. It's not much of a life, and unfortunately, I don't have family support. I've been diagnosed officially, but I guess my family either doesn't care or feel I'm a burden or something. I don't ask anyone for anything, but It would've been nice if they'd spend time with me, but most of them don't. They only seem to want to connect when they need help with things, that's all. I'm just an object to them. I'm good with computers, so if they need things fixed like their phones, tablets or computers, they'll ask me. If they need to 'borrow' money they'll come to me or my brother. I'm not rich by no means, but I guess I've got a narcissistic family who would never do the same for me. Hell, I don't even get gifts for my b-day, and I've gotten them and their kids' gifts before. I've stopped doing the 'nice' things, and I don't want to do it anymore, I just felt used.\n\nSorry, this post isn't much of a solution because I don't know the solution. Some people have had luck with therapy, so maybe that might be a good thing to try and get into. You can also learn more about the disorder, and It does help in some ways. You gain more insight into your faulty thoughts and behaviors, but I've not been able to change anything for myself. Everyones different though, so there's no harm in trying.", "Not to any significant degree. I'm 31 and still largely the same and the anxiety, emotional distress, loneliness and everything that comes with AvPD is still present. The areas that I've improved in a bit are short interactions and being able to speak on the phone where earlier I would not be able to at all.\n\nThose are really the only two areas I've seen improvement. Around 23-24 is where I made gradual progress thanks to gradual exposure. On the other side, I'm more isolated than I've ever been before. I still cannot hold jobs, I don't work anymore as I've stopped trying. I do freelance online but it doesn't always guarantee pay.\n\nI'm not married nor am I in a relationship. I've had success with my sisters hooking me up with friends but it was online and it only lasted a few months. Both were long distance and the plan was marriage but after about 8 months we broke it off. It didn't work, we literally had issues early on. She would complain that I didn't speak much as she liked an yeah it didn't work.\n\nAnyway, I'm not going to say there isn't hope but I would suggest you get therapy rather than avoiding it like myself. The reason I've avoided it is because I know what therapy will mean for me = Socializing in a group setting, exposure to fear with therapist. Basically, the confronting of my fears and opening up to strangers which is very difficult for me and I'm sure for all Avoidants. Still, I'd say do it if you can. Living with regrets isn't pleasant, I've missed out on so much. I've pushed away people I care about and pushed away potential partners as well.\n\nIt's also important to not be hard on yourself. Don't create unnecessary pressure because it will cause you more anxiety and distress. When I can relax is usually when I try to accept and not worry too much since worrying doesn't help at all.\n", "I'm the same way. The disorder got progressively worse after high school, I was going to night school, but I began to avoid more and more after panic attacks, and I had to drop out. I also began to slowly avoid friends after high school and stood them up several times when we were supposed to hang out. Fast forward a couple of years, and I don't talk to anybody apart from my sisters on occasion. I go to the same grocery store, avoid public transport, avoid taking photos, avoid pretty much everything.I'll be 33 this year, and I've not accomplished anything with my life. I can't do proper jobs, can't do relationships, can't do friends, can't socialize or even go out. I have some mild agoraphobia, but not sure how extreme it is. \n\nMy self-exposure therapy has allowed me to make phone calls and maybe meet people to sell things I have lying around, but I still avoid and dread it. I could not make phone calls in my early 20's, and I'd usually asked my parents to do it for me. That took a few years, but I think I've plateaued in terms of improvement. Before the improvement, I would stutter while speaking, almost always. I still stutter, but not as much and it depends on who I'm speaking to and what it's about.\n\nPeople talk about therapy, but I feel there's a limit in what can be done with therapy. It's not a life-changing experience. Anyways, you can try therapy if you're up for it, but I've always been too afraid of it. I've only been to therapy after an overdose, otherwise, I'd have never gone. Some people with AvPD have willfully gone to therapy, but they seem to say that it didn't really help too much. It helps people who cannot speak at all or those with very bad social skills. I feel like I know how to socialize to an extent, but it doesn't do anything for the AvPD, anxiety or things like that." ], "top_scores": [ 9.909950256347656, 9.258389472961426, 9.003664016723633, 8.839025497436523, 8.589296340942383 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) characterized by progressive social withdrawal and the avoidance of interpersonal relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.3462483301351454, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9860, "freq": 0.022471399003798305, "mean_pos": 3.133837938308716, "max_act": 9.070619583129883, "log_density": -1.6483698695041582, "top_texts": [ "I usually come up with a lie about why I can’t. “Damn sorry I would but I have [blank]”", "Silly stupid white lies Anyone else tell the stupidest white lies. Not even to people you don’t know but your family/friends/partner. \n\nFor example, I will say things to my boyfriend like “____ said I looked nice today” or “____ said this to me today” when they didn’t. I have no explanation as to why I do it and I have no need to do it but it just slips out. ", "Silly stupid white lies Anyone else tell the stupidest white lies. Not even to people you don’t know but your family/friends/partner. \n\nFor example, I will say things to my boyfriend like “____ said I looked nice today” or “____ said this to me today” when they didn’t. I have no explanation as to why I do it and I have no need to do it but it just slips out. ", "Edit: I specifically chose this line because it speaks to me, saying that the person who left my life and whose absence is leaving such a wound would never hurt me on purpose. :')", "I just take them to eat somewhere and act like it never happened, when i have to address it i just say that \"I'm not angry at them. I love them. I'm angry at the one who hurt them\" and it yet to fail" ], "top_scores": [ 9.070619583129883, 8.292380332946777, 8.286022186279297, 6.886555194854736, 6.76732063293457 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the tendency to engage in compulsive or defensive fabrication and social masking.", "pearson_r": 0.41160628930982945, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 323, "freq": 0.020287943230149885, "mean_pos": 3.4366695880889893, "max_act": 12.28778076171875, "log_density": -1.6927619576356765, "top_texts": [ "Dont know how to handle my 7 year old son and am worried for when he gets older My 7 year old son was diagnosed about a year ago with ADHD.\n\nHe is very hyper constantly and gets fixated on things and can't move past them in his talking and questioning.\n\nIt is relentless from the moment he wakes up until he goes to bed.\n\nHe started 4 months ago on Ritalin 10mg and we noticed a huge change in his behaviour. He calms right down and seems to be able to focus on his schoolwork a lot more, but at the same time is not as confident as he once was and is more clingy than he ever was.\n\nWe were not entirely sure about medicating him, but spoke to some people and even got advice on these forums from people with ADHD and for the sake of his education we were won over.\n\nHowever the medication is literally like an off switch and we can almost set our clocks by the time the medication wears off.\n\nWhen it does wear off he becomes mean and defiant far worse than he ever was before he started medication. He hisses at us and calls us names. He throws thing and gets angry when we won't let him do something. He lashes out and hits and it just causing massive stress and tension in our house.\n\nWe have tried time outs and sitting down and taking to him and we can tell, even as we are explaining things to him, that it is not being taken on board. He is saying sorry and he won't do it again. But it is literally 30 seconds after time out he is straight back to the same behaviour.\n\nThe only thing that eventually works is when one of completely loses our temper and he is sent to bed early. \n\nThis is not how we want our lives to be. This isn't how we can carry on forever but we are at a loss as to what to do. There is no enjoyment as family any more there, we don't look forward to days or holidays as the days all seem to end the same way with our son causing issues and then me and his mum falling out about it.\n\nWe don't want to hit and don't want to be physical, but o am worried about what will happens when he gets older and sending to bed isn't going to work any more.\n\nWill happily take any advice", "Let's stick with nonviolent punishments. Negative and positive reinforcement is always better when teaching kids to do something", "Treatment for child with ADHD I am at a loss at how to deal with my 12 yr old ADHD son. He is a personable, intelligent child, but he is incapable of completing basic tasks like homework. He is currently not on any medications. Getting him to do homework is agony. He makes lots of stupid mistakes and stubbornly refuses to correct them. Without my wife hovering and nagging him all night he would be failing his classes. I feel very unsuited to cope with him. I do not know how to help him without using incentives to get him to finish his work, and to deny him TV and computer access when he doesn’t do his work. \n\nIs it realistic to expect him to be able to complete tasks such as a sheet of math problems? I would love to enroll him in a progressive school that caters to his abilities, but given that his current school does not, is there a way to avoid spending 3 hrs a night on a sheet of math problems that should take less than an hour?\n\nIf medication is the answer, how can i persuade him that he should take it? He tried Ritalin last year, but after a month he started having terrible anxiety attacks. So we switched him to Adderall, and his school performance and attentiveness really improved. I thought we had found a solution to our problems, but this year he decided he did not want to take medication. \n\nHow can I cope with this better? If he doesn’t take medicine, then I am going to have to self-medicate because the situation is unbearable. \n", "This is my first time posting. I am the parent of an inattentive ADD 17 yr old son. So just as an introduction, my wife and I do everything we can to support our son. He is an amazing athlete but a mediocre student. He is very introverted stays in his bed room most of the time. Over the last couple of years he has distanced himself from his core group of friends that he grew up with and has fallen in with some bad eggs. He started vaping, has been ditching school, he ditches practice etc. \nWe have talked with his doctors at great length about his self destructive behaviour and have even taken him to a counsellor to see if we could get some answers. \nHe went to counseling 4 times then he quit going, he would go to the office and hide out in the bathroom. The last visit he had, my wife took him to the counsellors office and he just sat there like Matt Damon in good will hunting. Tapped his fingers and refused to say a word. After an hour he said he was done and has refused to go to any more sessions. \nWe have had his medications switched a couple times to see if that helps. But things just get worse. \nSo... to get up to date, yesterday was great, he got caught up on all his missed assignments for school, he went to lacrosse practice and said how great it was to see the guys and get a good work out in. He cleaned and vacuumed his room, he ate dinner with the family. This morning he got himself up early, shoveled the fresh snow we got over night, had a shower, made breakfast and was ready to go to school with no fighting or arguing. \nAt 10am I got a phone call from the principal asking me to come and pick up my son as he was drunk. \nI have called another therapist and was able to get in tomorrow at 3. \nI am terrified. I don’t know what is going through his head. I don’t know how to help him. \nPart of me wants to beat the shit out of him, the other part of me wants to cry on his shoulder and hug him until he is better. \nObviously I’m not going to harm him, I just don’t know what to do. \nHe makes a nice healthy step forward and then takes two giant steps back by doing something so stupid and self destructive. \nI love my son, I want the best for him. I have lead him to the water trough but he just won’t drink. In fact he just kicks the trough over. \nI need advice, help, something...", "My child is struggling, and so am I. I feel lost. My 10 yo son has diagnosed ADHD pretty severe. He is just going a mile a minuet. He also is just plain MEAN, and I mean it, my son is mean. He isn't mean to his friends or strangers, just me (mom) his dad (we're married) and his two little brothers. \n\nHe wont eat regularly, sleep normally, wake up, bathe, get dressed, let alone help out with any chores at all. (Btw his chores are minimal and age appropriate)\n\nHe is OBSESSED with electronics and his whole life seems to revolve around getting to use them. Such as xbox and YouTube. I limit this and if it were up to me he'd never use them TBH. He will manipulate and tell lies to get the electronics, then he's mean as soon as they go off. \n\nMean as in calls me a stupid fatty, tries to hit me, stab me, throws things at me. Threatens to tell DHS we abuse him. (which he has done 3 times, but everything is always 100% cleared. This is a pattern he has established.) No meds work wothout unmanageable side effects so far. \n\nI am lost, I don't have ADHD, I didn't while growing up either. I have been trying to help him but he is soooooo mean. Oh and we have gone through 2 psychiatrists and even the police know him by name because I call for help. \n\nReccomendstions?" ], "top_scores": [ 12.28778076171875, 11.547582626342773, 9.941433906555176, 9.801287651062012, 9.787880897521973 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the challenges and experiences of parents raising children diagnosed with ADHD.", "pearson_r": 0.22171693504689735, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7574, "freq": 0.021766324743557667, "mean_pos": 3.1624276638031006, "max_act": 7.87028169631958, "log_density": -1.6622148756889001, "top_texts": [ "Det viktige her er b. Lovgivningen er såpass bred at alt som bare ligner på et allerede ulovlig eller legemiddell oppført stoff kan føre til anmeldelse og vil være ulovlig og erverve. Jeg fikk brev om anmeldelse fra politiet etter at jeg prøvde å bestille 50 Clonazepam tabletter. Det var visst brudd på legemiddelloven.", "A collapse to me feels like something you never truly come back from. When all your defenses and coping mechanisms break down at the same time it’s genuinely a traumatic event", "Everything is about to fall apart My grandmother is sick and going on her last days and my mother is not handling it good, I know once my grandmother does go it will destroy my mother and that will destroy me as well alongside the rest of my family. Being as though my grandmother was the glue to my family I can’t see us making it out of this in one piece, I never had a major loss before and this is all too much to take in.", "Society is going to collapse worldwide within the next 50 years. When it happens and warlords and gangs start taking over, I'll kill myself. ", "What's exactly meant when talking about collpased? i always thought was about when we reach ego distonicity." ], "top_scores": [ 7.87028169631958, 7.476681232452393, 6.6165337562561035, 6.4768967628479, 6.431572914123535 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of systemic or personal collapse and the catastrophic breakdown of stability.", "pearson_r": -0.14188985525569733, "pred_f1": 0.43478260869565216 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 713, "freq": 0.020651852525757956, "mean_pos": 3.3304367065429688, "max_act": 11.790443420410156, "log_density": -1.685040963867922, "top_texts": [ "The laundry problem Hey guys, so I feel like it's a community wide thing that we struggle getting laundry done. I know for me it can take 2-3 days just to get my laundry basket from my room through the washer and dryer and then back to my room. Then I still have to fold it which is often the most difficult part, I literally stopped folding my laundry to post this. I've found that for folding my laundry, dumping it on my bed and then sorting the laundry and attacking it section by section greatly relieves the irritation of doing laundry. While you're sorting you pull out things that hang up because you don't want those left in a pile. Then there are some items like underwear or gym shorts that I can just throw in the drawer unfolded since they don't wrinkle and then I feel super motivated because I'm 3/5 of the way done and I pair all my socks and put them away. At which point I'm ready to do something else, so I do. I take my time, get a snack, watch Netflix or youtube on the couch or at my desk which quickly becomes annoying cause we'd all rather watch stuff in bed. So I now I have motivation again to go back to my room and fold my T shirts which is the only thing I have left. Honestly don't know if this will help anyone or is just me getting it out of my mind since I'm on my break between sorting and putting away right now.", "A tip for how to get your laundry situation under control (if you are as much of a disaster as I am) Laundry is somehow one of my biggest struggles. I always seem to let it get to to the point where my closet is practically empty with clothes of various cleanliness spread across the apartment. By that point, dealing with it seems like so much work I can never seem to even get started.\n\nSo here is what I started (and restarted many times over when I regressed) and it has worked pretty well.\n\n**Every day either wash and dry one load of **laundry OR fold one load. \n\nThat's it. Don't worry about how much laundry you have. Don't wash and fold on the same day if you don't want to. If you get in the mood and do more, even better.\n\nDo it every day and soon enough you won't have enough for a load and won't have anything to fold. Once the huge piles have disappeared, it's much easier to manage. \n\nIdk how many others struggle with this, but this method has seriously helped me.", "Any laundry tips? Hello everyone. I'm a week+ into taking Adderall. Things are going so well for me. But I could use some tips for laundry organization. I have an insane amount of laundry to do. Like... maybe a year's worth of laundry to sort, wash, dry and eventually put away. It's so fucking much. \n\n\nI have done laundry before. It's always at the insistence of my wife. And it never stays organized. \n\n\nLast Sunday, I picked out my five dress shirts for the week. I also had five white undershirts (optional depending on temperature), five new pairs of black dress socks, underwear and my work slacks for the week. I washed all of those and ironed the shirts. I hung those up. And then I had the rest of my clothes neatly folded on the bed in that room in the house for the week. When I come home -- I am going to have a \"home uniform\" of pants to wear at home, and two T-shirts to wear on alternating days. (I don't really go out too much during the week.) I also have my pajamas, a shirt to sleep in and an optional hoodie (since I like to sleep in a hoodie). \n\n\nThat much I was able to handle on Sunday. \n\n\nI have my clothes for the week in the dryer right now. I added in a few other items of clothes that were lying around on the floor. Then I am going to try and do a load of laundry once a day until I get out of the mountain that I now have in front of my washer and dryer, making sure those clothes are all put away when I am done. \n\n\nGetting there seems impossible but I am going to do it. \n\n\nBut once I get everything done and put away -- what the fuck do I do to keep things manageable? I can already see that if I go away for a weekend or something that I am going to get out of a routine.", "Fuck laundry I finally conquered a GIANT pile of laundry thar I had sitting in my room for like 18 months today. Washed dried folded and mostly put away. Just wanted to pat my back. I also have always hated: sweeping floors, raking leaves, and collard greens", "Sooooo true!!! Like a friends down? Let’s go for a walk outside! Or now my friends are getting in the marriage stage/kids stage, and I want to be able to be like “yeah I’ll come an do the laundry for you” but I barely have enough energy to do my own laundry 🙃" ], "top_scores": [ 11.790443420410156, 11.47417163848877, 9.936319351196289, 9.511638641357422, 9.17253303527832 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the executive dysfunction and overwhelming burden associated with performing routine household chores.", "pearson_r": 0.43798878779142236, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6098, "freq": 0.014351672845543248, "mean_pos": 4.7259931564331055, "max_act": 17.605098724365234, "log_density": -1.8430974439133005, "top_texts": [ "Raised heart rate on concerta Hey everyone. I wanted to know what you’re experiences are with ADD meds and effects on heart rate. I’ve been concerned with mine and take it often cus I have a smart watch and wonder if it’s too high. When laying down it’s around 95-100. When sleeping around 75. When sitting it’s 110-120 and walking around 135. Is this normal? Before I started meds I took an EKG and everything was fine. I even use my watch to detect abnormal heart beats and use the ECG feature to make sure my electrical system is good and it consistently is. My doctor doesn’t seem to worry but she’s no specialist. I feel fine.. but the anxiety of not knowing does effect me. I am also very out of shape. The nurse there told me she had a mini stroke while exercising on Ritalin. I have been freaked out since. Anyone get any good info or advice from their doctors on what’s normal?", "Heart Evaluation I'm having an EKG at my University to check my heart health. I've noticed that my heart rate jumps up and down on the heart monitor at the gym for about 6months at two different gyms on various machines. Its worried me that I might need to go off medication if I have poor heart health and am wondering if taking my medication on the day on the evaluation might result in a worse reading. Has anyone else had heart evaluation and did meds affect your results? Did you decide to take your meds that day or not? ", "Ritalin induced heart-reate increase? I have been taking 40 mg Ritalin (4 pills a day) for about half a year now and since 1 month I started to get severe cardiovascular side effects after administration of the drug.\n\nFor example:\n\n* notably higher heart rate after going to the gym or engaging in another physically demanding activity (to note here is that the heart-rate won't come down after resting but will stay elevated hours after I have finished my gym session)\n* cold hands and feet (most noticeable in the fingers)\n* deeper and faster breathing (even while at rest)\n\n&#x200B;\n\nHas anybody else had these adverse reactions and what may be the root-cause of their sudden onset?", "My heart is going to explode before I turn 45 probably because of all the stimulants I am prescribed I'm medically trained (I've been an EMT for a long while among other things) and laboriously pursuing medical school for so many years now. It's taking way too long because of my disabilities (and also being almost continually needed to drop everything to do hospice care for folx and medical advocacy pro bono because that's my jam. The best distraction from my own problems is helping someone else out with theirs. Being able to redirect my focus away from me is a blessed break. I get tired of me, too. Or I get people to hit me with things at those bdsm clubs because that kind of catharsis helps ground me. But I digress.)\n\nAnyway! I have bipolar disorder (arguably schizoaffective or bipolar with psychotic features, tbh there's not that clear of a diagnostic difference) as well as ADHD and a whole heap of trauma from medical abuse and conversion therapy I was forced into as a teen when I came out as queer. Which has definitely messed me up long term-- and also informed my goals.\n\nAnyway, I do have a point! I've got a lot of stress. In my life. So much. But on TOP of that, I'm prescribed like googleplex medications (for multiple conditions, not just mental health related, after searching for alternatives for each without success) that ALL raise my heart rate & BP. Because I'm relatively young (not 30 yet), whether or not I should be worried depends on who you ask. But my resting heart rate is 100-120 bpm and my blood pressure is definitely (artificially) well into the pre-hypertensive range. I eat healthy (always have), am fairly active. My cholesterol is excellent... For now. That always gets worse when you get older right? \n\nMy resting heart rate being tachycardic af and contributing to raising my blood pressure can't be good long term. There's only so much I can use the mammalian diving reflex to cheat my way through an incredibly elevated heart rate. (Basically if my heart rate is racing out of control I do the ice bucket challenge to force it to slow tf down for a while. My brain can't overthink a reflex.)\n\nSo like, am I supposed to be making my peace with that? Because I'm not feeling it. Yeah I wanna die sometimes, but this whole overworked overclocked heart just burning out shit is for the birds. Being prescribed so many uppers is really killing my vibe. I have a lot of episodes of just feeling UNwell. And why have I always been so bad at sleeping? Why can't my natural talents lie with something like sleeping? I would love sleeping if I were better at it. I would love to be sleeping right now tbh. But here we are. \n\nAlso sorry for being a tiny bit !!! or whatever.", "Adderall Lowers My Heart Rate I know I have severe ADHD. My psychiatrist refuses to give me a stimulant because she thinks I'm bipolar and it'll make me manic. I've taken adderall several times, and when I take it my heartrate goes from resting at around 110 to 60. Is this because it lowers my anxiety and I feel more secure on it? Is this normal? I know when I smoke weed my heartrate is insanely high because I get anxious, and adderall also makes my high feel more normal, because my ADHD makes me feel really weird when I'm high, like my heart is gonna pop out of my chest or how I feel like my eyes are gonna explode. " ], "top_scores": [ 17.605098724365234, 17.099443435668945, 16.992155075073242, 16.96381187438965, 16.352005004882812 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents concerns regarding the cardiovascular side effects of stimulant medications used for ADHD.", "pearson_r": 0.385249254920744, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7253, "freq": 0.014442650169445266, "mean_pos": 4.665968894958496, "max_act": 16.433576583862305, "log_density": -1.8403530780560788, "top_texts": [ "As someone who has been cheated on by multiple partners. The cheater will normally accuse the other person of cheating on them when in fact they have cheated.", "Coming from a compulsive cheater who has cheated in every relationship except this current one, I'd say your relationship is doomed. You may not get caught if you know how to hide it without seeming suspicious (I've only been caught cheating once, and done it a few dozen times), but the sole fact of you cheating shows that the man you're being with does not fulfill your needs. And you may say \"Oh no, we've been together for x years and he's the man of my life\", but no. Your subconscious disagrees. Subconsciously he isn't enough and you need something more, that's why you felt the need to drink and search for that extra fulfillment.\n\nThey say alcohol shows your true self, and that night your true self has had enough of the boredom that your man brings, and that's why you reached for the opportunity to fill that gap, both metaphorically and literally. My advice? If you've cheated on him once, that means you'll cheat on him again, I can almost guarantee you. So you better drop that relationship and go search for a man that you'd be completely satisfied with, one that checks every point in your criteria. And yes, such men exist. I've already found mine and am not planning on cheating on him any time soon.", "Cheating is more common in Aspd as far as I know. But even with Aspd not everyone is a cheater", "I was cheated on, depression returning, feeling so alone. I've dealt with chronic depression (as well as anxiety) on and off since I was a preteen. After the last really severe episode of depression a few years ago, I've been doing relatively well and trying to be proactive about my mental health and moving forward in life. I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and he's been a rock when my mental health hasn't been great. We started dating when I studied abroad in his home country, did two rounds of long distance with a year of living together in-between and this year I've started a masters program in his country. It was an extremely hard decision to do this because certification in my field will be a much longer, more expensive process if I move back home after my degree. I really stressed out about if I was making a wise decision for my life. But we have been planning to get married so I can stay in his country and work there and our relationship has been super solid up until now, so I decided to go for it (amongst other reasons like the university being cheaper and really good). \n\nBut just a few weeks ago, my bf told me he cheated on me when he went to visit his hometown for a concert. With one of his friends he's never been interested in while he was blackout drunk. I have never ever been the jealous type and didn't see it coming AT ALL. He was super super upset when telling me and has done everything he can since to make it up to me. But my depression is returning and its so hard. I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm trying to give the relationship a chance to work and I dont want my friends to hate him. I also dont want to burden my friends with it because our course is extremely intense. I am 1000's of miles away from my family, I share a lease for another 6 months with my bf so even if I did break up with him, I'd be totally screwed. I'd also be screwed in the future....we planned out our lives together. So many of the decisions I made (which I thought over long and hard in an effort to avoid screwing myself over) I now am majorly regretting. I feel so betrayed, especially because he knew how hard it was for me to make the decision to study here, he knows how much I love him and he knows we had/have a future together. We planned it together! I just want to cry all the time because I feel completely and utterly alone. I don't have anyone to talk to. And I dont have the time or ability to focus on healing/processing because of the high-intensity and workload of my graduate program. I don't know what to do and I'm worried I'm spiraling into another deep depression. ", "People are ridiculous. My parents stayed to despite the cheating and I hated them for it. I thought they were disgusting, shameless and perverted. I thought my mom was weak and pathetic, and I never respected her because of it Me leaving my ex …. My kids are thankful. Not to mention the message that they have learned. Do not let somebody treat you badly and you can get out of a bad situation and have a much happier life. I’m now happily married and my kids are the happiest they have ever been. People that stay together for the kids are morons. Anyone who had parents that did that knows how terrible of an idea that is kids sense things and when kids live in a situation like that, they end up growing up, thinking that’s normal and putting themselves in a similar situation so to all the people that have so much to say about staying together for the kidskeep your mouth shut because you sound absolutely ridiculous. You’re just saying something you heard people say you actually have no idea what you’re even talking about. Just because you are miserable “for you kids” doesn’t mean the rest of us have to be. You picked poorly with you picked a partner (so I have I before) and now is your responsibility to make things better and fix the situation for your kids not pretend everything is OK when in life does pretending get you anywhere just because I say I’m a billionaire doesn’t mean my kids believe it. You can try your hardest to pretend to be happy, but you cannot control what happens to your brain when you are not happy when you’re laying on the couch all the time and you have no motivation or confidence and you don’t have the energy to play with your kids because you’re depressed and you don’t even know it or you’re drinking too much or fighting too much. The only way to have a happy home is for both partners to be happy. \nAsk yourself, do you want your children to aspire for a happy relationship or pretending to be happy relationship? Because I didn’t even know what love was until I was 33 because all I ever witnessed with people that hated each for the kids. You want your children to be fulfilled in life. You have to show them the way. Any one on here telling you to stay with her is also being cheating on and pretending their partner still loves them.. they’re projecting onto you what they tell themselves. But it isn’t true. Especially if a woman is cheating as somebody who has been in relationships and attract to other people I’m married and I would never even look at another person sexually my husband is everything to me. I wouldn’t have married him if I were still interested in other people…. And anyone who says otherwise it’s because they’re not with the person they should be with they’re just telling themselves fantasies to get through each day they all probably post pictures trying to look happy and pictures of themselves hoping for likes and comments to get the attention. They’re not getting at home and that is not the life you want." ], "top_scores": [ 16.433576583862305, 15.066203117370605, 14.669937133789062, 14.578259468078613, 14.032759666442871 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the theme of infidelity and its impact on interpersonal relationships and mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.36125809723942276, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4968, "freq": 0.020902040166488504, "mean_pos": 3.2154886722564697, "max_act": 10.31774616241455, "log_density": -1.679811301254607, "top_texts": [ "First signs/symptoms you noticed This is for parents/loved ones of children with ADHD, or people with ADHD; what were the first signs/symptoms you noticed in childhood and at what age did they present? ", "Teach me how to look out for red flags with men. I'm so desperate to be loved that I ignore them and hope for the best.", "Just that she had heard about that and that \"normally there are signs,\" but I don't believe that because someone can hide their red flags for years.", "Yup that is also my first tell, then comes the dry mouth feeling.", "This happens when I look at other people as well. One of the early warning signs for me that I'm potentially relapsing is when people in general don't look cohesive. Then other things start to look similarly unreal. My first major symptom after negatives of my schizophrenia starting was derealization (bipolar symptoms came after I was already sick for a while)." ], "top_scores": [ 10.31774616241455, 9.459935188293457, 9.101208686828613, 8.465917587280273, 8.157251358032227 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the recognition and monitoring of early warning signs, symptoms, or red flags related to mental health or interpersonal patterns.", "pearson_r": 0.2526903302594016, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5304, "freq": 0.01651238428821616, "mean_pos": 4.024439811706543, "max_act": 13.261205673217773, "log_density": -1.7821901864171, "top_texts": [ "help with being dependent Does anyone have any tips on how to not be so dependent on someone so I can make a healthy change and not absolutely NEED to speak to someone on the daily!!!\n\nor should I move my dependency onto a friend instead of my gf 😔", "Being dependent on other people is the literal worse. Especially when you spent your whole life waiting to turn 18, just for it to not even matter because of your illness.", "As for being able to do things on my own, I haven't figured that one out yet, I still have multiple people I'm dependent on and I like it that way for obvious reasons. They're mostly always there for me, and when they can't help me do something I usually sulk for a month or multiple months, and then I go and do it myself.", "I don’t know, i think im better at that. I dont feel dependent on anyone in particular like i used to, but I’ve been thinking about it and i may be placing a lot of my worth based on whether or not my boyfriend likes me.", "It might help for you to reflect on what previous attachments you've had that were this intense. There's been a handful of people I've depended on, I've truly never been or been able to be alone. Even when I felt I was independent, I was relying very heavily and codependently on my mom. Just some food for thought, we're here to support you :)" ], "top_scores": [ 13.261205673217773, 12.689226150512695, 12.177552223205566, 11.701433181762695, 11.573838233947754 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of interpersonal dependency and codependency in relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.4573419124593348, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 610, "freq": 0.01467009347920031, "mean_pos": 4.5188307762146, "max_act": 16.2550048828125, "log_density": -1.8335670891789926, "top_texts": [ "I feel you🤗\nI have also struggled much during christmas!\nYou are NOT onlyone.\nStay safe!", "Sweetheart family don’t have to be blood relatives, family are the ones that will have your back not matter what will happen, now if you have good friends ask them to join their Christmas dinner, you can make plans like doing some kind of vacation on Christmas day, fill your days with joy, go to do Christmas shopping just for yourself, enjoy that day, make it more beautiful then any other ✨", "Me every year: I won't do Christmas decorations this year, it's a waste of money and energy cause I won't feel any joy either way", "A little Late for the Holidays I want to be like a Christmas ornament\n\nNot because it's pretty,\n\nBut because it's hanging from a tree.", "It just hit me that this is the first year I'll be alone for Christmas I've known for about a month now that I'm not going to be able to go home for Christmas, but it never really sunk in until about ten minutes ago. I've never really been a fan of Christmas anyway but once I realised it I had to leave my desk at work because I knew I was about to start crying.\n\nI don't know why it's upsetting me so much (I suppose it doesn't help that this is overlapping with a time when I've been thinking about killing myself a lot in the last few days), but now I'm here in a toilet cubicle at work with a knife in my pocket so I can hurt myself because it's all just suddenly hitting home.\n\nI know my mum is somewhat worried about me being alone for Christmas but I think she believes I'll manage, I wish I could call her and say \"no, you were right the first time, I can't manage\" but short of quitting my job in a time when I really need the money I actually can't come home for Christmas, so all I'd be doing is upsetting her.\n\nTL;DR: always thought I'd be fine being alone for Christmas, for some reason it's suddenly really getting to me" ], "top_scores": [ 16.2550048828125, 15.593025207519531, 15.302772521972656, 14.528155326843262, 14.496142387390137 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the emotional distress and loneliness associated with the Christmas holiday season.", "pearson_r": 0.5327266931721771, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7720, "freq": 0.012304683057747857, "mean_pos": 5.372681140899658, "max_act": 20.858352661132812, "log_density": -1.9099295330167056, "top_texts": [ "Coffee anyone? Anyone feel like coffee accelerates how restless you are? \nI have issues studying for long periods of time and I get so worked up mentally.\n\nI can get back to it, but I feel like I have to work just a bit more to remain calm/get it done.\n\nI did a trial of no coffee for a week last month. \nI found I had the same distraction, but I literally handled each situation better. \n\nAnyone get similar symptoms with caffeinated drinks?", "Tip: Swap Coffee for Matcha For the caffeine-addicted among us - matcha (shredded green tea leaves) has half of coffee's caffeine content, but the same strong waking / refreshing effect, only without the jitters. Also has a wonderfully unusual, slightly algae-y taste to it and is great with milk.", "Ive always loved coffee, but recently I have gotten a few panic attacks around lunch time (i'm assuming when the coffee wears off). I'm not sure how to tell whether the coffee is the issue or not. Anyone have any good alternatives to coffee to solve this issue? I miss it.... Please include details and experience in your suggestions.", "Does coffee help you fall asleep at night? I read somewhere that some people find that coffee actually helps quiet their minds down before bed, and I was wondering if it’s true. I don’t really drink coffee, but if it helps I totally would. ", "So I’ve been taking 40mg paroxetine for around 3 months (I don’t go to her straight away) and have been fine until the past two weeks. I’m beginning to notice that my anxiety is again incredibly high a lot of the time. By listening to my body I’ve come to realise that caffeine is triggering me. NOW this is new. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was around 17 (22 now) and I’ve never had an issue (infact, it used to put me to sleep) but now whenever I have a coffee (French press at home or latte from a barista) within about 30 minutes I begin to shake and uncontrollably sweat." ], "top_scores": [ 20.858352661132812, 20.34238052368164, 19.13539695739746, 18.790828704833984, 18.350963592529297 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the relationship between caffeine consumption and its impact on anxiety, restlessness, or physiological arousal.", "pearson_r": 0.692399821237958, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1208, "freq": 0.01639866263333864, "mean_pos": 3.9487006664276123, "max_act": 14.322514533996582, "log_density": -1.7851915422153712, "top_texts": [ "I really dislike pharmacies **History:** I'm in my 30's and have been off/on taking medication since I was diagnosed in the 3rd grade. I've taken nearly all variations of medication throughout that period of time and have never had a more difficult time getting a prescription. I'm not talking about getting it prescribed, I'm talking about getting it filled (consistency).\n\n**Here's a story about what has to happen, this is the most efficient path I have to take to getting a prescription.**\n\n* Once every three months I get 3 prescription sheets from my doctor. \n* They are sent digitally to the pharmacy of my choice \n* The first one is automatically filled, I am contacted. \n* 1 month from that date (no sooner), on the day I take the LAST pill. I am now able to fill my next script (no sooner). \n * If the pharmacy doesn't have it in stock I cannot transfer the script, I must call the doctor to have them cancel, and then write a new one and send to a pharmacy that has it in stock. \n * Catch1, pharmacy cannot disclose how much stock they have. They can only tell you if they have enough to fill it. \n * Catch 2, pharmacy cannot disclose the above information until you have sent a script to them… \n* If the pharmacy has it in stock I can pick it up in an hour.\n\n\n**So here's my most recent story:**\n\n* Was told I had no remaining prescriptions on file at the store I go to monthly (have been going there for more than a year).\n* Scheduled an appointment with my doctor \n * At the appointment he said \"I gave you 3 months in December… are you sure they don't have it?\"\n * Dr. Gives me 2 more scripts sent to the pharmacy and says \"see you in April\"\n* Call pharmacy after 3 hours.\n * Pharmacist says she does not have it on file (this happens every time).\n * I repeat that I am not trying to **refill** I am trying to **fill** a script.\n * Pharmacist finds the script and says it will be filled shortly (usually takes an hour) ! note this for later\n* I ask the Pharmacist why this happens each month. She responds saying that they are making changes (I recall hearing this before - she states that isn't true… okay).\n* I tell the pharmacist I have three issues with what's going on here, since she's been very rude, dismissive, and keeps ignoring the words I'm saying and is defaulting. I ask her to please listen to me clearly I need her to take some time to explain to me what is going on and address my concerns: \n \n1. If my Dr. sends it to you directly the first one is filled automatically and the last two are saved on your internal files I can't see \n * She said that's never happened… However, it's happened every month (ever).\n * She explained I can see refills on my app. I (third time now) clarified that I'm not trying to **refill** I'm trying to **fill** a script and that I cannot see their internal \"saves\" on my personal app. I can only see refills \n2. When I do call in after that first time I'm met with denial that I have anything on file\n * The assumption here… is that they assume \"refill\". I will remind the reader, there's an automated message before talking to the pharmacist that says \"are you trying to refill, or checking on a refill?\" that's normally where those callers go… I opted for something else, and call in with the same exact format every month (with consistency) and get a different behavior from their employees every time… \n * After all that they find it magically and are able to fill (usually within one hour) ! again, reader, note this important part.\n3. When their business is out of stock, I find it surprising. \n * You see, with a controlled substance, I am not able to transfer the script. I have to call my doctor, inconvenience them, wait, and schedule for a new script, call a different place, contact my dr. to send it there if they say yes (or contact different place if they don't have it), doctor sends, I wait 30-40 min for the pharmacy to accept, call the pharmacy to make sure they are starting to fill it, clarify **it's a script not a refill**… Then they say it will be ready within an hour (again, remember this) - Again this is all only ON the day of my LAST pill being ingested that I'm able to do any of this. So if I mess up and don't fill it\n * The pharmacist explained that they got new or unexpected customers (said a few, not many, and was generalizing for all prescriptions not just mine) and that they are sorry to not have anything in stock. They are not going to turn away customers. \n * But they are okay with turning me away and completely inconveniencing someone who is stuck in their loop.\n\nAt the end of this I ask \"Okay, so you've filled it? Great. Will it be ready in about an hour?\" She replies \"Y… You know. I'm really backed up now. We'll send a text when it's ready\" …yeah, right.\n\nThis makes me upset because our conversation lasted four minutes and at the start of the conversation she said it would be filled shortly (with the normal expectation of it being an hour). Now she's saying it will be longer. I'm sitting here at 2 hours from that moment with no follow up text saying it's filled. Oh, by the way. Did I mention I took my last pill yesterday because I thought this would all be really efficient this morning and I'd be able to take it right before I went to work?\n\nAll of this, knowing I have ADHD because they are filling ADHD meds. The whole process, they're aware I'm not neurotypical yet continue to sweep issues under the rug and make the process difficult. \n \nI really am made to feel like I'm doing something wrong here and they're the ones that are in the wrong. I'm older now, but my younger self never could have navigated this bullshit. I think of all the people who have to be held to this employees whims just because they didn't accept their boilerplate and impatient responses to not listening to the customer. How can someone who holds that position be impatient in the first place? Their entire job revolves around people who are not having the best time in life, yet they expect us to be at some higher level of acceptance than they hold their own behavior to?", "CVS doesn't hold scripts? So my doctor wrote my script for Adderall to be filled tomorrow. I have a paper script. My usual pharmacy is closed on Sundays, so I decided to go to the neighborhood CVS today so that tomorrow I can just go and pick it up. The pharmacy tech took one look at my script and said \"sorry, but this says it can't be filled until February 4th\". I responded (very politely) \"well, that is tomorrow, I would like to drop it off today and pick it up tomorrow, if possible\" so then he says \"well normally we don't hold scripts, but I'll go ask\". So he goes and comes back a few minutes later and says \"well we don't have this in stock. We'd have to order it and it wouldn't be here until Thursday\". So I took my script back and left.\n\nWhy do I seem to have trouble like this every time I need to go to a different pharmacy? I don't like it.", "Difficulty filling prescription (Adderall/amphetamine salt combination) I've been having difficulty getting my prescription filled. I use a Walmart pharmacy. I was informed that they have had the medication on back order since the last time I had my prescription refilled. Other pharmacies are not able to tell me if they have it in stock without me going to them in person with a written prescription. I work in a hospital, so I have very little time between now and Sunday to run from pharmacy to pharmacy begging to get my script filled before withdrawal sets in and I become worse at my job.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAnybody else having difficulty just finding a pharmacy with the medication in stock? I live in the Las Vegas, NV area.", "Why is filling my prescription impossible? I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and given a script for Vyvanse. I’ve been fighting with my local pharmacy tooth and nail for almost three weeks to get it. My insurance approved it, my doctor himself called the pharmacy multiple times, but today I went to the pharmacy again and they claimed the insurance hadn’t approved it, so they wouldn’t fill it. \n\nIs there anything I can do besides asking my psychiatrist to speak to them for the umpteenth time? Should I call my insurance company? This seems to be a problem on the pharmacy’s end if the insurance and my psychiatrist approved it.", "Early med refill due to quarantine, start date before 30 day window of last refill Hey guys. Wondering if anyone had any insight here. I’m going to be leaving the city where my doctor’s office is later this week to get some distance from the urban environment amidst the covid-19 outbreak. I called my doctor about getting my next scripts (adderall IR 30mg/adderall xr 30mg) before I leave later this week. He wrote them with start dates for today, although my last refill for the meds was on the first of this month, making it 8 days early. I pay for my prescription refills out of pocket, and was wondering if the pharmacy at my Dr’s office would refill them today, based on the start dates, regardless of the last fill date. A vacation refill exception is not present on the scripts, although it would be ideal to fill them prior to leaving the city as I’m headed somewhere pretty rural and I may have some issues filling them elsewhere. Thanks in advance, hope everyone’s well in these times." ], "top_scores": [ 14.322514533996582, 13.706108093261719, 13.48108959197998, 12.675297737121582, 12.272897720336914 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the logistical frustration and systemic barriers associated with obtaining psychiatric medication refills.", "pearson_r": 0.6679006962150246, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9739, "freq": 0.014601860486273797, "mean_pos": 4.408976078033447, "max_act": 16.274343490600586, "log_density": -1.8355917756070703, "top_texts": [ "Copying askreddit, how many of you brush your teeth twice everyday? If youve, seen [the askreddit thread](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/d65eid/how_many_of_you_actually_brush_your_teeth_twice/) apparently, almost everyone actually brushes their teeth twice a day. How about for /r/ADHD? \n\nI'm hoping I'm not the only one who has their stuff together with ADHD but can still barely brush my teeth once a day.", "Anyone else have an aversion to brushing their teeth? I dont know what it is but lately Ive had a serious aversion to brushing my teeth. I havent done it in three days now. I know dental health is super important and all I just cant bring myself to do it. Is it a lack of motivation? How to get over this? Thanks", "I’m getting one of my teeth pulled tomorrow you know that god awful thing depression does to you that makes you so unable to function that you don’t carry out basic hygiene procedures? I would brush my teeth every once in a while– basically when I remembered. \n\nOne of my molars is now literally hollow and has to be removed, and the rest need fillings before they get this bad. I’m now having to pay a ton of money for all of these dental work while also losing one of my permanent teeth. \n\nPlease brush your teeth at the very least. I know it’s hard, but it’s so important.", "I've (20m) had depression since I was around 12 but it progressively got worse the older I got to the point o couldn't leave my bed for days. So id often go weeks or months without brushing my teeth. Only now recently in the past 6 months have I started brushing and flossing regularly.", "I’m going to the dentist tomorrow And I’m terrified. I haven’t had a cleaning in over 20 years, not since my grandma was alive. I’m 31 and this is the first time I’ve had dental insurance as an adult. My mom didn’t take me as a teen and I’ve struggled on and off with depression for years that led to not always taking care of my teeth. On top of that, I have bum genetics: my dad has no natural teeth left and my younger (26 year old) sister has had most of hers pulled too. I have two teeth broken to the gum, nothing left outside it, and another two or three broken vertically in half that are slowly falling apart. I clench and grind my jaw from anxiety (or something, I just assume anxiety) which didn’t help, all the crumbling teeth are the ones that tend to press together when I do. \n\nThe last time I went for an extraction the hygienist was 0% understanding or comforting. I’m panicking that I’ll be treated the same way tomorrow, and maybe I deserve the lecture but I’m already super anxious about the impending costs and the whole process of getting work done and I just don’t want to hear something I already know. \n\nI guess I just hoped I’d feel better getting it all out in the open before I have to explain myself tomorrow to a professional. \n\nDepression sucks, but if you do one thing try to make it brushing your teeth." ], "top_scores": [ 16.274343490600586, 15.144899368286133, 14.512882232666016, 14.05324649810791, 14.017780303955078 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the neglect of personal hygiene and dental care as a symptom of executive dysfunction or depressive episodes.", "pearson_r": 0.4290261142337392, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5253, "freq": 0.01648963995724066, "mean_pos": 3.896291494369507, "max_act": 12.987061500549316, "log_density": -1.7827888005099226, "top_texts": [ "Do nerve block injections block all kinda pain? \nBeen suffering non stop 24/7 past couple of months.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/ChronicIllness/comments/onihse/nerve_block_injection/", "I feel you, especially cause I’m in a more chronic pain situation now than chronic illness. When I was sick and needed surgeries and stuff it made sense. Now with just chronic pain I’m like “maybe I’m just a wimp” lol", "Undiagnosed Chronic Illness is killing me. For a few months now I've had some sort of chronic Illness causing me significant head pain and balance issues. Every time I've gone to a doctor I've been told I'm 100% healthy and that it's just anxiety. Problem is that I didn't have any real anxiety until this all started...\n\nThis last month it's taken a turn for the worse and I can barely stand up for more than 10 minutes at a time without feeling like I'm going to pass out/lose balance. Along with this I've had muscle weakness that's been spreading from my feet up the body. I finally got to visit my family for the holidays after not seeing them for 2 years, and was stuck bedridden almost 20 hrs a day every day I was there. I finally got a doctor to refer me to a neurologist, but they can't see me until March. \n\nAll of this together has caused me to fall into a depression that idk if I can get out of. I constantly feel like crying for myself but am trying to hide that to not make myself any more of a burden on my SO. I already was stuck in the ER on her b'day with all of this. \n\nI am terrified of dying of this, but I really can't keep living feeling the way that I do and after about 20 doctor's visits, nothing has been done to help me improve any of my symptoms. I'm not sure what to do or where I can go, but I constantly feel so alone despite a wonderful support network of people.", "Does anyone else find that their chronic pain spirals everything? Context: I've had (difficult to treat/non-responsive) chronic pain since I was 11 years old due to an accident, and it's only worsened over the last 8 years. I find that the pain aggrevates how I feel emotionally, with each egging on the other on in a perpetual cycle emotional and physical misery. Does anyone else struggle with this, or find that this is the case?\n\n\nIt's made me so fucking tired of life.", "This is a chronic illness subreddit. That’s your answer right there" ], "top_scores": [ 12.987061500549316, 12.680944442749023, 12.400533676147461, 12.327805519104004, 12.267285346984863 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the lived experience of chronic physical pain and its impact on daily life and mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.3378800233193692, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9980, "freq": 0.018582118406987057, "mean_pos": 3.4086592197418213, "max_act": 12.762518882751465, "log_density": -1.7309047535142805, "top_texts": [ "Yeah, it does make me feel uncomfortable. I don't like compliments from anyone either, and my response is usually silence, or I may smile to act like I'm happy getting it. I've always been this way, even in high school. If a person gave me compliments, I was usually non-responsive. I may have smiled on a couple of occasions to not appear rude.", "Yes because I fake compliment a lot so I can tell \n\nCompliment me on my looks or how good I make you feel \n\nAny compliment that comes off as fake or corny really", "Compliments Don't Faze Me Because I know they're wrong the moment they're said. Other people get called cute or something and they might tear up, regain some lost sense of humanity or whatever but it doesn't affect me whatsoever because on a core mental level I just know it's false (not that I'm gonna call the complimentor out on it because they need to feel good about themselves for being nice).", "Yeah, I have the same problem. I don't really like compliments or insults (of course). I feel like the compliments thrown my way are often not genuine and as you've said I feel like it's done out of pity. In fact, for me I feel like they know or accept that I'm deficient so they throw in a compliment to make me feel better but in reality I am deficient else why would they boost my ego?\n\n \nIt's not really that I don't like compliments but I question the reasons behind those compliments and because of that I'd rather not get any because as you've said it appears to be out of pity. It's not specific to AvPD though, my sister is somewhat like that but I think she's a vulnerable narcissist. She always wants me to compliment her but she does it in the guise of questions like \"Do I look fat\" or \"Am I ugly\" to try and get others to feed her ego. My sisters used to verbally abuse or put me down throughout my childhood and I can't say for sure but I think that and the abuse from my step mom and parents is what really turned me into what I am. I think there's a genetic component as well though.", "no cuz i saw something that said ppl w npd feel uncomfortable to compliments? and that they won’t say thank u or anything back like what" ], "top_scores": [ 12.762518882751465, 12.555797576904297, 12.011083602905273, 11.670443534851074, 11.137452125549316 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a psychological aversion to or skepticism of receiving compliments, often linked to feelings of inauthenticity or underlying personality pathology.", "pearson_r": 0.28196295074009653, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8163, "freq": 0.01937816999112971, "mean_pos": 3.266317367553711, "max_act": 11.174032211303711, "log_density": -1.7126872162400981, "top_texts": [ "Can someone help explain this? Not sure if I'm posting in the right sub, apologies in advance. I'm on antidepressants, but this evening when I got home, I was overwhelmed with feeling like I'm a burden, I just want cry right now. I don't understand what is going on. I'm reaching out in hopes that someone has felt like this and I'm not alone in feeling this way.", "What if someone is a burden to the people around them. That them leaving would actually relieve others.", "I feel like I’m a burden to others. So I’ve struggled with depression since high school, but went through a severe bout almost two years ago. I was on medicine at the time, but got better and am off of it. Although nowadays I feel like it’s a roller coaster of emotions again. Like tonight as I lay in bed the feeling of just despair of why do I have to wake up tomorrow. It’s a night were I wish I could fall asleep, and never wake up again. \n\nRecently, I’ve shared with close friends how dark my depression can get (suicidal thoughts). Now I feel like I’m a burden to keep as a friend. I realize I’m great at surface level friendships, because nobody gets too close to see what truly goes on in my mind. Now I wish I never would’ve shared with them, because I think they feel responsible for me. And also because now I bring way too much baggage into the friendships. Maybe it’s my depression telling me I’ve screwed everything up, yet again and this is why my friends would all be better, without me, because they don’t have to worry about me. \n\nTonight, I just feel like a burden to everyone and I currently believe that if I weren’t here then everyone would be so much more happier. That goes for family and friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m a waste of space, and don’t deserve to live anymore. \n\nI just had to write it out to people who would understand, because I don’t feel comfortable telling anybody else for fear of being a burden to their lives. ", "Asking favors from people makes me feel like a burden I had to get money from my grandma for a car repair and I feel like an awful person for it. I try to do everything I can not to be a burden on anyone and it feels like I always am. Suicide crosses my mind a lot. Even small problems put me on the edge because it's hard for me to cope with anything. \n\nI'm trying to do everything right by taking medicine, going to therapy and attending school but I'm scared that no matter what I do suicide is always gonna be the end of the road for me.", "God all gives us burdens. Who am I, to question God's designs? But nobody will be tested beyond their capabilities. If you get this burden, it means that you were a strong spirit in the pre-existence. All I know is that after all is said and done, he will make sure that all will be fixed. It's like children who are born without arms or people suffering from depression. All that will be fixed in the end." ], "top_scores": [ 11.174032211303711, 10.76470947265625, 9.89229965209961, 9.495521545410156, 9.232551574707031 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal experience of perceived burdensomeness and the associated feelings of worthlessness or self-stigma.", "pearson_r": 0.12214611120846067, "pred_f1": 0.56 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2401, "freq": 0.019969522596492824, "mean_pos": 3.122187614440918, "max_act": 9.127408981323242, "log_density": -1.6996322957643628, "top_texts": [ "It takes years and you have to be in therapy during that time, etc. because they need to know that you are very serious about it. I mean, let's be real here. You can't undo it. So of course they want to make sure that you're sure and that all other avenues have proven to be dead ends (no pun intended).", "It is worth noting that before you get married at a registry office they speak to the bride and groom separately in private to ask whether you're entering into this freely or need help.", "Yeah it can take years, and it will weigh on your mind. Best of luck.", "I'm asking what if the outcome was different. Would they have doubted their decision? Would they have regretted not doing the bare minimum and turned the light off?", "There are accommodations that will need to be made, but it fully depends on the person your dating and how it effects them." ], "top_scores": [ 9.127408981323242, 8.85309886932373, 6.909411430358887, 6.841448783874512, 6.809448719024658 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the deliberation and long-term commitment required for life-altering decisions or irreversible processes.", "pearson_r": 0.4126381832432261, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6480, "freq": 0.01946914731503173, "mean_pos": 3.1817729473114014, "max_act": 9.894488334655762, "log_density": -1.7106530464343719, "top_texts": [ "Its still my go to approach, but as soon as i start to know the person my feelings change. It's a defense mechanism and i realized that.", "A decent chunk of professionals think narcissism is essentially a defence mechanism. I tend to agree.", "Might be? My anhedonia is quite strong and present at all times though. But I do feel much more removed from life under stress, it's definitely a defense mechanism.", "But no, ofcourse this is deflection and narcissistic mechanism that shield me from admitting me that i was an abuser... there's no winning with you. In your view there is no possible way that i never abused anybody... none...", "Well yes. Whenever I get close to psychosis the voice I hear changes to English, which is not my native tongue. \nI believe it's a way for me to distance myself from the violent obsessions the voice has. \nI actually use it as an indicator of how close I am to psychosis now." ], "top_scores": [ 9.894488334655762, 8.648738861083984, 8.157146453857422, 8.141084671020508, 8.139107704162598 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization of psychological behaviors or symptoms as protective defense mechanisms.", "pearson_r": 0.17288196406944334, "pred_f1": 0.5454545454545454 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6197, "freq": 0.014397161507494257, "mean_pos": 4.260374069213867, "max_act": 14.417654037475586, "log_density": -1.8417230932356907, "top_texts": [ "I have had hppd for about 3.5 years along side chronic head aches! I notice my hppd symptoms and my head ache triggers are very similar and when one is really bad the other is too.", "The sense of dread I get when I feel anything resembling a headache in that area. Immediately I am on high alert.", "oh alsooo if i try to drink a lot of water it makes me nauseous and it makes my headache worst? idk what’s wrong w me", "Yes, the therapist said it was a headache. Migraines especially can be crippling.", "Depression headache and excessive tiredness with out being able to sleep restfully Hey, 40 something M here... I’ve been experiencing the worst headaches which feel like a heavy tightness in the fore of my brain. \n\nI feel that a truly restful sleep would help, but whenever I shut my eyes I feel that i slip into a deeper anxious and depressed state. It makes naps and early morning waking a fraught experience.\n\nI’m taking 25mg of Seroquel for sleep. I haven’t had much success with ADs. I’d self medicated with cannabis, but that was making my anxiety worse. \n\nThe current state is due to losing my job of 18 years, so it’s kind of situational but I’ve had mental health issues for 15 years. I am usually just anxious. After long periods of anxiety my state usually turns to depression.\n\nI find exercise like yoga and cold water swimming help.\n\nJust so over the headache!\n\nHow do you guys deal with a constant headache?\nSo over it." ], "top_scores": [ 14.417654037475586, 13.33654499053955, 13.15213680267334, 13.132219314575195, 12.709833145141602 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the somatic experience and psychological distress associated with chronic headaches or migraines.", "pearson_r": 0.2977851591039412, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3410, "freq": 0.014556371824322787, "mean_pos": 4.211170673370361, "max_act": 18.46986198425293, "log_density": -1.8369468295990914, "top_texts": [ "I used to dress more alt/goth/metal but I’m losing the energy. Nowdays it takes a lot out of me to put on jeans and a t shirt and a bra instead of just sweatpants and a sweater. I’m only 20. I don’t know if it’ll get better or not. During the upswings I’m more capable of dressing eccentric but otherwise no.", "YES but what makes me feel comfortable tends to change and then i have to switch clothes a million times trying to figure out what is the most comfortable. then i end up wearing the same outfit for weeks on end bc its the only thing i can go out in without feeling like im a dog with its tail between its legs. i used to really like dressing up in weird flashy things when i was younger but now it makes me rly uncomfortable bc i feel uncomfortable in anything that might attract attention. bummer, i miss dressing up, i wish i could without getting stared at.", "I've always worn loose clothing because of sensory issues and the fact that I was self-conscious about the way I was developing. I wouldn't know the struggle with more form-fitting clothes, but I can imagine it'd be there. Although a lot of my women's clothes fit me a lot better despite my having been assigned male at birth, so I guess the shape of the clothes isn't as much of an issue as the other thing.", "I just started doing this! I used to “save” my best clothes for a special occasion but the occasions never came. I work remotely and was in pajamas for about six months. Now I look forward to getting dressed every single day no matter what I do, in something that I love.", "I \\*HATE* 'business casual' attire. When I have to pay attention to dressing 'normal', it's stressful." ], "top_scores": [ 18.46986198425293, 17.57525062561035, 14.35076904296875, 14.112288475036621, 13.873730659484863 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The psychological impact of clothing choices and personal presentation on emotional well-being and self-regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.7841338237165402, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7685, "freq": 0.014328928514567744, "mean_pos": 4.241904258728027, "max_act": 13.599536895751953, "log_density": -1.84378625365582, "top_texts": [ "Haha yeah no problem, it’s YouTube.com/c/TheNamelessNarcissist. Fair warning my titles are clickbaity as fuck cause of the kinda audience I’m trying to educate. But it’s not some run of the mill narc abuse channel lol I’m trying to destigmatize and explain how we think", "First off thank you! I’m glad! And yeah honestly I think that’s a good idea, my anxiety over how I look does distract me way too much, and probably distracting to others lmao I’ll do a few videos doing that and see how it goes, thanks!", "Okay so I warn you, my tiktok isn't great lol I try my best to fight stigma there and tell people what actually goes on in our heads, but i can't defend us as well as I intend to cause the people there are... Vapid lol I mainly use it to promote my youtube where I actively try to educate people. But it's The Nameless Narcissist on both youtube and tiktok haha let me know what you think of it!", "[www.youtube.com/c/thenamelessnarcissist](https://www.youtube.com/c/thenamelessnarcissist) for those of you who don't know me. Excuse the clickbait titles. Y'all know how the audience is that I'm trying to educate. But don't worry I'm not some run of the mill narc abuse channel", "Hey everyone! I've just started sharing my story on YouTube, and I intend to continue building on this channel with more information about cult awareness, recovery, etc. I think it's really important for survivors like myself to be the ones spearheading cult education, instead of continuing to allow cults to be misrepresented and sensationalized in media. Please watch & subscribe! Your support is deeply appreciated \\^\\_\\^" ], "top_scores": [ 13.599536895751953, 13.185715675354004, 13.062568664550781, 12.339936256408691, 12.301261901855469 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the self-promotion of personal content creators aiming to educate others on specific mental health or social topics.", "pearson_r": 0.09173358013995658, "pred_f1": 0.42105263157894735 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7912, "freq": 0.017740578160893396, "mean_pos": 3.4243154525756836, "max_act": 10.148548126220703, "log_density": -1.7510322062475612, "top_texts": [ "The answer is eight days... How long can you live on teeny tiny bubbles of food and two cups of water total?", "I can maybe eat 1000 calories if I really force myself but generally all my meals and stuff add up to 500-700 calories a day.", "Besides, 500 cals a day is not healthy. Even when you sit around all day you burn more calories than that That means you're starving your body for 5 days. How could that help? And consider this: your brain burns about 20% of the calories your body does. That's a lot for such a small part of your body. So does starving your brain sound like a good idea? I just don't see how that would help.", "I don’t know. I just do it, over and over again, until eventually I feel satisfied and then stop. This could either lead to 5 cuts or 40. Which I’ve done before.", "90x500 = 45,000 90x500=45,000 \n\n\nThe average 200-page book is 55,000 words long. \n\n\nIf you write 500 words per day for the next 90 days, you'd have 45,000 words.\n\n500! That's it! \n\n\nYou can write 500 words in sixty minutes. \n\n\n\\[Most people can.\\]\n\nHere's some other things you may do with sixty minutes: \nWatch an episode of 60 Minutes. \n\n\nAccording to research shared on Statista, the average person spends 126 (!) minutes on social media. That’s sixty minutes. Plus a whole nother sixty minutes! \n\n\nEVERY DAY. \n\n\nYou could watch one Game of Thrones episode. \nYou could watch The Bachelor (Demi though?!). \n\n\nYou can watch the last two minutes of football game \\[maybe\\]. \nYou could listen to Bohemian Rhapsody 10.8 times \\[I wouldn’t get mad at you for this\\]. \nOr, you could write that fucking book you’ve been saying you’ll write. \n\n\nIf you can't find - can't make - the time to write 500 words a day for the next 90 days, you don't care enough. You don't want it bad enough. \nAnd you do not deserve it. \n\n\nGet it together. \nP.S. - I wrote 622 words today. And this post. \nP.P.S. - This was to myself before it was to anyone else. \n\n&#x200B;\n\n\\[Author's Note: I've been \"struggling\" to write a book for YEARS, letting ADHD be my excuse. I got a new planner that breaks things down into 90 day chunks. It asks your goals and I said, let's get that book done. THENNNN I was like no way, not possible. So I did some Googling and found that the average 200 page book breaks out to about 55,000 words. If I do 500, ONLY 500, words a day for the next 90 days, I'd have 45,000 words. No excuses. I've made that commitment to myself...just 500 words a day.\\]" ], "top_scores": [ 10.148548126220703, 9.186604499816895, 9.081025123596191, 8.650080680847168, 8.588184356689453 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the quantification and restriction of caloric intake or self-harm behaviors.", "pearson_r": -0.08793306815452233, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4508, "freq": 0.018786817385766597, "mean_pos": 3.126856803894043, "max_act": 6.546201705932617, "log_density": -1.7261467629809684, "top_texts": [ "We should never have to live with such dread and feel forced to go to work in such environments.", "Nope! Even the lack of traffic is a reminder that I'm in an area I really don't wanna be in. ", "Maybe the focus should be less on avoiding dopamine and more on learning to live a balanced life through self-restraint.", "A bit of a drive, but look up Tranquille Sanatorium in Kamloops! But be warned, there's a lot of security measures in place to catch trespassers. I've been really wanting to go, but I'm not brave enough to risk it, haha.", "Yeah you should move. You realized that you're in a poisonous environment. Why would you want to raise your kids there?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.546201705932617, 6.543215751647949, 6.36778450012207, 6.186223030090332, 6.158400058746338 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the theme of environmental dissatisfaction and the desire to escape or relocate from a distressing physical setting.", "pearson_r": 0.2586267258148194, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4339, "freq": 0.018991516364546136, "mean_pos": 3.087681770324707, "max_act": 7.167870998382568, "log_density": -1.7214403350669134, "top_texts": [ "Hvorfor ikke bare bruge skunk? Det kan du da se hvad er.", "Well, one could argue that repeatedly punching a man for just being annoying behind you seems like an extreme reaction. Especially since the person who is punching him is/was (I don’t know if he still is) a professional boxer or", "OP run the hell out of that house right now. This guy is unstable.", "She's full of shit, though. Chickens out of stabbing Duncan herself because he looks a bit like her dad and starts guiltily sleepwalking when she finds out her husband had some kids murdered. This is not a woman who ever had it in her to off her own kid.", "I'd choose Kovac. Kovac always seems cool or not rushing it while working on patient" ], "top_scores": [ 7.167870998382568, 6.8959784507751465, 6.480508327484131, 6.315219879150391, 6.198776721954346 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects discussions of external conflict, violence, or aggressive behavior involving third parties.", "pearson_r": 0.45144184925701164, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4662, "freq": 0.014283439852616736, "mean_pos": 4.091090202331543, "max_act": 14.126592636108398, "log_density": -1.8451671592756802, "top_texts": [ "If anything, it was neglect, not molestation that led to HPD. I have a few siblings, and I was constantly battling for attention (being the youngest). ", "In short, HPD is the part of me that gives me confidence when I otherwise would feel insecure. My diagnosis explained a lot.", "I'm diagnosed with HPD. My main way of getting attention is playing a victim by constantly oversharing about my mental health issues, self-harm, and other stuff. Whenever I'm craving for a specific person's attention it's like I automatically get sad so that I'm able to \"vent\" to them and get their sympathy and worry.", "I've recently been diagnosed with HPD, and the realization has made so many things about my life make sense. I fit every criteria of HPD [pretty much to a T](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002498/).", "As someone with HPD, Shapeshifter hits so hard. The constant need to be liked, to be the perfect person for everyone, to play into aspects of yourself like it’s a role for a movie, it gets so tiring. That line captures that feeling of just wanting to leave these roles behind and purely just BE." ], "top_scores": [ 14.126592636108398, 13.806591033935547, 12.708773612976074, 12.641975402832031, 12.248186111450195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and self-identification of individuals diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD).", "pearson_r": 0.23643312187173013, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4572, "freq": 0.018968772033570634, "mean_pos": 3.0779244899749756, "max_act": 7.702455997467041, "log_density": -1.7219607598853575, "top_texts": [ "For me, not really. I reciprocate the feelings of people I don't really like for their attention/validation, and of course then I fear commitment because then it would be more difficult to run away once it gets too serious. But when it's a person I genuinely like, I go all in. Actually, I become too much and I feel as if it's love at first sight. I think about them 24/7, constantly text them, and initiate dates and such.", "I guess my question is, do you think this is a problem or something I should change? I’m very good at making new friends (probably come off better in first impression than long term honestly) so it seems like something I will endlessly be able to do but I’m not sure if it’s “right” or I will one day regret not trying harder to make lasting friendships", "These are all way too small of instances to really make a concrete judgement. She’s over analyzing. Advice I would give: Give him a shot (or don’t), thinking about it forever isn’t a productive use of her time", "Rushing relationships Hi everyone,first post here.\nJust want to know if any of you guys also tend to rush relationships.\nAs soon as i feel that someone have feelings towards me,i feel an urge to take the next step rapidly.I get a feeling that if i gave enough time to the other person they might realize am not worthy of their love.Any advices on how to stop this feeling?", "liking someone when u have bpd is .... right so im diagnosed w bpd (thought it was important to state) and i have a really hard time when it comes to liking people - it's like i can't be in the early stages of liking someone and wanting to pursue them, i have to start devoting every minute to talking to them and my entire life revolves around them - i can easily start loving someone that i dont really know and it's getting to be a problem, does any one else have this issue? ): please b gentle with me i just had an episode, im very tired and i want to cry thank u" ], "top_scores": [ 7.702455997467041, 7.578963279724121, 7.318406105041504, 6.824638843536377, 6.6318182945251465 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the tendency to impulsively rush into or hyper-fixate on romantic relationships and interpersonal attachments.", "pearson_r": 0.08220516160604878, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 216, "freq": 0.013146223303841518, "mean_pos": 4.418238162994385, "max_act": 11.121591567993164, "log_density": -1.8811989619621179, "top_texts": [ "First time on Ritalin I’m being used in a study for a slow release Ritalin, and I took it today for the first time, and it made me feel more motivated and focused, but I also felt like I had drank 5 cups of coffee. I was very racy and shaky. I’m still feeling it a little, and it’s pretty uncomfortable. \n\nI’m going to have to take these everyday for the next 12 weeks probably, and I just want to know if it will eventually balance itself out, or if this is just a side-effect?", "Advice about Ritalin Hello ADHD community,\nI wanted to consult you about ADHD and replacement for Ritalin.\nThe goal I take Ritalin to be productive, efficient, without it being really hard to sit in the chair or really mess with what's important. Therefore, I use Ritalin to solve these problems, of course all this is done after diagnosis and medical approval. After a period of experimenting with Ritalin, I noticed that this drug very much thinking fixture, impairs creativity, impairs sexual desire, impairs appetite, and impairs sleep. I have tried other drugs from the same family and another family as amphetamines, but unfortunately they all have the same side effects, some less powerful and some more powerful. I feel that Ritalin is very helpful in sitting down and greatly refining my senses and ability to speak physically and express verbally and formally, but it greatly impairs the simple and beautiful thinking I have without it. I wanted to consult you. Is there any recommendation to substitute another drug? Or try to avoid the drug by natural alternatives?\nAnd is there a chance that Ritalin makes me really sharp because of the drug or because those are my innate abilities that seem to be expressed as a result of concentration?", "Experience with Ritalin So I was diagnosed around thanksgiving with adhd (inattentive), I was smart enough to get through high school without having to pay attention, but once I got to college and needed to actually focus to do well I realized that I simply couldn't do that. My dr prescribed 10mg IR Ritalin. When I took that, I didn't notice much of a difference, but I would consistently crash about an hour after taking it and fall asleep for a few hours regardless of time or day or where I was. After about a week of that my dr switched me to 20mg extended release. The first day of taking that I actually felt calmer and more focused. Normally I have a song playing in my head and am thinking about a million different things, but it was almost as if the medicine had like turned the volume on all of that down and I could actually focus and absorb the information in my lectures. But after that first day I haven't really noticed any effects from the Ritalin, and recently have actually been feeling tired and a little more anxious, I'm currently taking finals so that could be a factor in the anxiety. I was wondering if anyone else had the same sort of experience with Ritalin and if a different medication had worked better. I go back to my dr in a few weeks to talk about how the Ritalin has been working, but just wanted to see if anyone else had an opinion. ", "For people who use or used Ritalin - whats is your daily routine with it? When do you take it and how long does it last? I am currently in the process of getting diagnosed and my psychiatrist said that its 99% that I have ADHD due to how I reacted to certain meds that I tried ( and a couple of other things ). He put me on Ritalin to test how this effects me while we are doing other things. Last week I was taking only 10mg which didnt help me at all but I realized that its messing with my daily routine when it comes to food and coffee. \n\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI usually have food only once I get in the office and do some work, so around 10am. While I was told that I should take Ritalin after I eat something. So I started having breakfast before I go to work but it just isnt sitting right with my stomach. This will I try to just eat a quick plain toast or a banana in the morning and then take the pill, then later have more food if I am hungry. \n\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThe 2nd thing is coffee : I usually have one coffee before breakfast and then my 2nd coffee around 1pm or 2pm latest. I realized that now I might give the 2nd coffee up because I think that combined with the meds its a bit too much on certain days. \n\n\n&#x200B;\n\nBasically, I am curious to see how others do this? Does anyone take Ritalin on an empty stomach? I heard that for some people it just doesnt work well like that. \n\n\n&#x200B;\n\nFor how long does it last during the day ? I have the capsules which are extended release so they should be good during the day but I noticed that around 1-2pm I start getting tired even with 1 coffee and Ritalin - so I go for a 2nd coffee which then either makes me nauseous - sometimes a bit jittery ( and on certain days it makes me even more tired which is annoying. ) \n\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAlso, do you also take it on the weekends ? Do you take breaks from taking it ? \n\n\n&#x200B;\n\nIf there is anything else around this topic that you think that its interesting, feel free to share :)", "Tried ritalin today, went kind of bad. So I've been looking forward to trying Ritalin for a long time cause my adhd is really bad and have basically led to me not doing anything for years now. \n\nToday I actually got over my anxieties and took 10 mg of extended release ritalin. Everything was fine and I felt great the first two hours and actually felt like I could do things and talk with people and stuff. But then suddenly my fingers on my left hand felt numb and I felt my pulse racing. I checked the beats and it was over 3 beats per second at least so 180 bpm+. And then I had a massive panic attack, or whatever you wanna call it, lying in bed just praying I wasn't gonna die or have to go to the ER during this Corona crisis. The heart rate was still 150 while in bed, breathing slowly. I was also very sweaty, cold hands, dizzy and skin felt weirdly dry.\n\nNow my question is really have anyone had anything like this happen to them? \n\nWhat was your experiences like starting on ritalin?\n\nI don't really understand it. Especially with such a low dose. Should I try half of 10 mg somehow? I will consult my doctor too ofc. I have had panic attacks in the past but nothing like this, my heart never beat this fast in my life I think." ], "top_scores": [ 11.121591567993164, 10.685812950134277, 10.59090805053711, 10.260332107543945, 10.224288940429688 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the personal experience and management of ADHD medication, specifically Ritalin.", "pearson_r": 0.4285515969419521, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7900, "freq": 0.018104487456501468, "mean_pos": 3.1922898292541504, "max_act": 10.197866439819336, "log_density": -1.7422137416924386, "top_texts": [ "no wasn't discharged, moved bases and actually was referred to paramedic class and become a paramedic, they said that I was \"off somehow\" because I was too cool headed for someone who was on su!cide prevention protocol (you know they take everything from you and follow you around until you get evaluate ) and I couldn't care less and talk with officers and made friends, so... then he asked me some questions and I answer honestly (a big mistake ) it's pretty hard to get kicked out from the army if you are a good soldier or more likely \"the commenders favorite\"", "Yes. I served, got diagnosed at the military and stayed there few years after getting diagnosed, honourably discharge in the beginning of 2020, at the beginning I was a shit show but after i got to a commender who I respected and view fondly to this day I did really well. I wasn’t a fighter and wasn’t allowed to have a weapon because if I will be honest they didn’t trust me with a weapon, I was a medic", "Hey thanks for this. I have always maintained that the best implementation of my personality was the military. Unfortunately I was medically retired due to injuries or I would still be doing it. I appreciate your candor. I was diagnosed years ago and only recently started to understand my circumstances and I wish I had done it years ago.", "Yes. Served 8.5 years total in 101st airborne, 2/75 ranger regiment, and 7th group special forces. I was medically retired after major injuries discovered a brain tumor.", "Yep. In the states. Thankfully my silly butt joined the military and ended up with a mental health disorder disability rating." ], "top_scores": [ 10.197866439819336, 9.325876235961914, 8.09365463256836, 8.008703231811523, 7.957860469818115 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of military service experience and mental health management.", "pearson_r": 0.4413196554691367, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6049, "freq": 0.014237951190665727, "mean_pos": 4.014556407928467, "max_act": 16.58428192138672, "log_density": -1.8465524697053046, "top_texts": [ "Edit: I don’t actually verbally criticize anyone; all of my judgments, regardless of how scathing, are done in my head.", "Yeah, sounds like me. I'm also avoidant so I'm super sensitive to criticism, especially when I criticise myself. So I always worry about being criticised for my lack of ability to get it together, but I still can't get up and do much about it.", "What's a clear sign that you are being critical or judgmental? For you like when do you recognize it", "I definitely fear the criticism, because I know it will hurt me deeply.", "I’m saying there is a middle ground. You can give constructive criticism in a compassionate way without making someone feel like they’re ugly, disgusting, or a degenerate" ], "top_scores": [ 16.58428192138672, 14.811954498291016, 14.11312198638916, 13.909399032592773, 13.884458541870117 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal experience and interpersonal dynamics of self-criticism and the fear of being judged.", "pearson_r": 0.3894567888874575, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3507, "freq": 0.012645848022380422, "mean_pos": 4.516279697418213, "max_act": 12.57131290435791, "log_density": -1.8980520074934222, "top_texts": [ "Psychotic symptoms, if they happen, are very rare and transient in STPD. If they were common and pervasive it would be schizophrenia. Thought disorder happens in STPD but it's at a sub psychotic level.", "STPD typically isn't diagnosed with autism because they share too many similarities. Social difficulties, strange mannerisms, hyperfixations, etc. but STPD comes with peculiarities in thought and beliefs that don't typically come with ASD.\n\nSTPD is sometimes considered to be on the schizophrenia spectrum. About half the time I see it included, while the other half I see just schizophrenia, schizoaffective, and schizophreniform. I'm not sure where I'd place it because while there are similarities in the two conditions, schizophrenia and schizoaffective are *much* more severe - and this is coming from someone who had STPD all his life and later developed schizoaffective disorder. So yes it's on a spectrum with schizophrenia in that it has to do with similar but milder neurological and chemical differences, but it's not on a spectrum the same way that ASD is where mild and severe cases are all classified as autism. You can't be diagnosed with \"schizophrenia spectrum\".\n\nYou can help yourself by only socializing when you feel comfortable, since STPD is primarily considered to affect relationships and sociability most strongly. That's why it's a personality disorder and not always lumped in with schizophrenia which is not a personality disorder. Engage in hobbies, take a day off now and then, and don't try to push your brain to do things that it doesn't want to do unless it's absolutely necessary. Also, people with STPD tend to be creative and think outside the box, so consider writing, painting, drawing, modeling, just give a few things a shot and see if anything sticks.\n\nYou're like this because STPD is neurodevelopmental kindof like ASD. It has to do with how the brain is wired just as much as it has to do with chemical differences. Some countries classify it as a schizophrenia spectrum disorder (but not schizophrenia itself) rather than a personality disorder because of the neurodevelopmental nature.\n\nAnd to answer your last question no, unfortunately it will not go away, but you can learn to cope and live your best life anyway.", "In its essence, I think STPD is characterized by a different pattern of thinking that at its best leads to creative, out-of-the-box ideas and at its worst is incredibly distracting to the point of being debilitating.", "I think that one of the reasons faking this will be very difficult is, that many people with STPD are so private that they'd never even consider posting themselves in the first place.", "STPD like schizophrenia is largely a neurochemical issue with dopamine. Rather than hallucinations someone with STPD may have illusions. Rather than delusions they will have magical thinking. Rather than full-on paranoia they will have excessive suspicousness leading to a certain type of social anxiety. A couple things that it has in common with schizophrenia is negative symptoms and self-disorder.\n\nSTPD is definitely on a spectrum with schizophrenia. There's a stereotype perpetuated online that people with STPD are weird, but that's not always true. It's characterized more by the suspicousness and perceptual/cognitive distortions.\n\nThe reason I've been poking around this sub is because I have been diagnosed with STPD for a while, but last week my psychologist decided that he believes it has risen to the level of schizophrenia recently since I've exhibited disorganized speech and have started having actual hallucinations rather than the usual perceptual illusions. He told me to expect a likely diagnosis this week. But yes, STPD often looks quite a bit like schizophrenia - particularly the prodromal and residual phases. In some cases it actually *is* the prodrome." ], "top_scores": [ 12.57131290435791, 11.91283130645752, 11.88439655303955, 11.48642349243164, 11.256190299987793 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical conceptualization and diagnostic characterization of Schizotypal Personality Disorder (STPD).", "pearson_r": 0.5874633581157706, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4116, "freq": 0.017626856506015875, "mean_pos": 3.22946834564209, "max_act": 7.639211177825928, "log_density": -1.753825106273794, "top_texts": [ "In general no i don't feel the fear, but jump scares are cheating, in real life or in movies jump scares are always cheating, i think it's comes from me being a control freak, but who knows?", "Knowledge can also ease fear. I don’t wish for you to experience this for a long time, but if you do, you will be shocked by how much you will end up knowing about the human body; especially your own.", "Does ADHD get worse with age? I was diagnosed in my late 40’s. Looking back my childhood was pretty much textbook inattentive subtype female. It’s frustrating that it took so long to figure out what my problem was. \n\nIt seems so much worse now though, out of control. I adopted my granddaughter 5 years ago, who is now 9 and very likely also has ADHD and it’s like everything is beyond hope. I can’t seem to get moving to do anything. The house is disgusting, I can’t get any work done I forget to pay bills and I can’t get my little girl to help so everything is just multiplied exponentially. \n\nI’ve had periods of my life were things were controllable- but I can’t seem to get any traction anymore, it’s just going downhill faster and faster. \n\nI do see a coach, who is helping and I’m on medication, but I’m just missing something to smack me back on track. \n\nDoes anyone know if there are any additional things that older people need to consider?\n\nThank you. ", "Now it's just a general fear of the other side. Logically, I belive that there's nothing - just death. But even that scares me a bit. ", "\"I know you're afraid, but being afraid is alright, because didn't anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger. That's okay, because if you're very wise and very strong fear doesn't have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind\"" ], "top_scores": [ 7.639211177825928, 7.541114330291748, 7.502500534057617, 7.288172245025635, 7.1968488693237305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience, conceptualization, and philosophical processing of fear.", "pearson_r": 0.4320293789966917, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9989, "freq": 0.01628494097846112, "mean_pos": 3.4869394302368164, "max_act": 12.623605728149414, "log_density": -1.7882137844420039, "top_texts": [ "I can’t handle the future. Hello, just made an account because I’m breaking down and need a place to cry about my “problems and worries.” I’m 18, F, in a relationship with another female. She’s all about the future, the future excites her and she’s already preparing. I have always been slow about preparing for my future because I don’t want it to come. Not saying I want to die, but the future is absolutely terrifying to me. I don’t want to leave my home, I don’t want to leave my dad, brother, sister, mom, pets. I don’t want to leave ANY of them to a state or states away. The thought of moving away makes me sick. The thought of not seeing my family daily makes me want to vomit. They could get hurt, they could get sick, I wouldn’t be there. The future is HORRIBLE sounding. Everyone dies. My dad is very old, he’s 70 already having had me late. My mother is younger however, 40’s quite the age gap I know. So I’m less worried about that although I know I will have to deal with her passing as well... just later. If my dad were to become ill or get dementia or something I would leave my current situation with no second thoughts and that’s scary. If I was married, has kids, anything, I would HAVE to leave because that’s my dad. The person who was there for me for LIFE... I have to be there for him when his life is coming to an end... right? The thought of him passing literally rips me apart. I cry uncontrollably and feel the strong urge to just want to die or disappear because not existing would be SO much better than dealing with seeing everyone die. Is this normal? Is it normal to feel this strongly about these things? To want to seize existence rather than face the future.. I’m just scared.", "Anyone else fail to picture themselves in the future? I cannot see myself in a few months time.\n", "Am I wrong to be pissed about this? Was he really just being nice to her or is he just biding his time until they live closer? --- **tl;dr**: My boyfriend said \"you never know what the future holds\" when talking to a former fling. He says he was just being nice.", "My future Lately I’ve been finding myself looking in a mirror and contemplating about my future, I’m in high school so I have many outcomes available, but I don’t feel the drive to get a job. Instead I lie around smoking weed and \nhalf-assing school, all I see in the future is me on the streets. I’m socially awkward so I can never meet new friends or go to parties. I’m always alone and when I am I get lost in a world of awful negative thoughts. I have so much stress my mind feels so cluttered and messy I can’t think put together what I want to get out of life. Wtf is going on ", "black future I can’t see my future like I don’t see myself getting married or having kids no job I don’t even see myself graduating high school, I don’t know what I want to do with my life but every time I try to think about it there’s nothing I feel like I shouldn’t even be growing up and the only life I ever knew was as a teenager I shouldn’t go past that age type" ], "top_scores": [ 12.623605728149414, 12.005668640136719, 10.399077415466309, 10.111662864685059, 9.762106895446777 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a profound inability to conceptualize or envision one's own future, often associated with hopelessness or existential detachment.", "pearson_r": 0.480216963341336, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3844, "freq": 0.018354675097232015, "mean_pos": 3.0854074954986572, "max_act": 9.158304214477539, "log_density": -1.7362532750350141, "top_texts": [ "Absolutely spot on! Just remember that dissociation is also a survival response, it's the freeze response", "TLDR: We need joy to survive. (Skip down to “Ways to Feel Joy”) and feel free to comment your own ways to feel joy.", "But I would still suggest for you to hold on to this miserable planet with miserable beings like me. I'm sure im worse than you. There's nothing worse than intense fear and physical pain. If im still breathing, so can you. Trust me.", "Yes, I've had a couple near death experiences that were a little frightening in the moment. I've also had some that didn't scare me, but I was a bit depressed then. I do not want to die, I am not suicidal. As much as life sucks I'll take it over ceasing to exist. You'd have to be completely fucking braindead to not be a little concerned with dying. Humans are animals with survival instincts, not robots.", "The other day I read someone say that this is a survival tactic the brain activates to stay alive (we all know this), so doing anything to get out of that state, like moving or feeling - the brain thinks we'll get killed doing it. Like we're actively fighting against our survival instinct when doing something besides laying still. And I truly hope this is the truth, lol, cause it felt so good reading it as I'm somewhat convinced I'm really just incredibly lazy." ], "top_scores": [ 9.158304214477539, 7.766067981719971, 6.911247730255127, 6.571924209594727, 6.558960914611816 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of survival instincts and the biological drive to persist through extreme psychological distress.", "pearson_r": 0.007652787317933788, "pred_f1": 0.42105263157894735 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7002, "freq": 0.014533627493347284, "mean_pos": 3.8802812099456787, "max_act": 12.150961875915527, "log_density": -1.8376259453778878, "top_texts": [ "Wait, FP is fixated person? I thought it was Favourite Person?", "fp means \"favorite person\" and it is mainly used by the BPD community to signify their particularly intense attachments to people. In the DPD community we have DP or dependent person, the person we grow emotionally attached to and feel the need to depend on, but it's not as widely known.", "in my eyes, a favorite person (FP) isn’t someone i’m in love with but someone i am INFATUATED with. and my feelings toward them change every day, if not multiple times every day. i would say if she wasn’t unstable the entire four years when it came to her connection with you (and it would have showed), you might not have been her FP.", "Yes, basically. Most of my fps are some kind of mother projection, teachers, therapists, authority figures.\nIf I can’t “win” them or they don’t respond the way I need, I start devaluing them to cope. But the moment they show warmth again, the attachment comes rushing back. It’s a constant push-pull until I win them over or a new fp enters the stage.", "My FPs are people who I rely on for mental support, like a free 24/7 therapist. It doesn't really matter what kind of person they are, avoidant/inconsistent, anxious, or secure. I do think I am more attracted if they are inconsistent/pull away though instead of anxious and possessive." ], "top_scores": [ 12.150961875915527, 11.334430694580078, 10.950806617736816, 10.94771671295166, 10.762303352355957 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of a \"Favorite Person\" (FP) within the context of Borderline Personality Disorder and intense, unstable interpersonal attachments.", "pearson_r": 0.60933856670495, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7996, "freq": 0.01648963995724066, "mean_pos": 3.348705291748047, "max_act": 11.723634719848633, "log_density": -1.7827888005099226, "top_texts": [ "Every definition of intrusive thoughts online say they are unwanted and distressing. Please literally Google it, like I just did, since you claimed I was biased. That's the literal definition.", "not intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts are unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts of things that really bother you that you do not want to act on and would never do. These are more like impulsive thoughts or urges.", "I'm aware. I'm saying I don't think this would be helpful for intrusive thoughts.", "Intrusive thoughts are a hammer to my head that remind me that thing i did or didnt do was bad and reflect poorly on how people perceive me.", "Tell me you don’t understand the meaning of intrusive thoughts without telling me you don’t understand the meaning of intrusive thoughts" ], "top_scores": [ 11.723634719848633, 11.605379104614258, 9.554513931274414, 8.967259407043457, 8.955703735351562 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical definition and conceptual distinction of intrusive thoughts.", "pearson_r": -0.2677206908366164, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6438, "freq": 0.013805808902131143, "mean_pos": 3.9780161380767822, "max_act": 14.989140510559082, "log_density": -1.8599381108857005, "top_texts": [ "What’s wrong with hyper focusing? Looking for advice. Everyone says that it’s a bad thing or something to be minimised but I love it. \n\nI feel like a god when I hyper focus I get so much work done and am incredibly detail orientated. Sure sometimes I forget to eat and struggle to sleep but surly that’s a worthy trade off?\n\nI suppose maybe I’m lucky to have friends that ground me and are patient when I hyper focus. (As I can get a bit short if distracted from my target) \n\nIs this a bad thing? Tell me about your negative experiences with hyper focusing. ", "Showerthought: \"Hyper-focus\" is just normal focus with time blindness. There is nothing special, redeeming or \"super\" about it. No, it is not a superpower and no, you can't control your hyperfocus per your will. It is just enjoying what you do without giving time any heed at all. It is bad.", "Hyperfocus = overclocking? I had this moment of intense focus that makes my performance boosted drastically, my brain finally doing some good execution, and it feels like flow state (except its not calm like effortless flow state, it's more like adrenaline induced hyperfocus?). But it's only short lived like 1-2 hours and after that i get bad nausea and my body get really hot, it's like I'm getting overclocked and don't have enough heatsink.\n\nThere's also this kind of calm focus that i get after meditation that also boost my performance too, these performances noticable especially in sport and video games.\n\nSo which one is hyperfocus? Is it the same as flow state, or is it like adrenaline rush because of challenges and deadlines?", "Hyperfocusing I've read that people with ADHD/ADD can hyperfocus. I have ADD, but idk if I do that. I get really stuck and obsessed with things when they interest me, which is also because I have aspergers. I will read one thing I find interesting for hours and hours and forget to eat or sleep, but I will still have to thing of other things every 5 mins or so. It mostly happens at night when my meds wear off so I go to sleep very late. And I find it really hard to get myself away from it. If I have to do something else my ADD symptoms get really bad again. How do you experience it ? Do you experience it at all?", "what is the most intense hyperfocus story you have? for me, i was working on this painting that i really wanted to finish, but not like “ok i’ll have it finished in a few days”, it was like “i want this finished now and i’ll keep working on it until it is!” so i ended up painting for 27 HOURS STRAIGHT! the only breaks i took were when i needed to go to the washroom or if i needed some juice because my sugar levels were low (i have diabetes). i kept getting sleepy but i was so damn determined i just drank coffee to keep me up and kept going. the second day in, around the 26th hour, i was almost done, but my parents were having a house party for family friends, so 5 minutes before the guests arrived, i left the basement where i was working, washed the paint off my hands and face, got dressed, said hi to the guests once they arrived, and then snuck my painting supplies to my room and continued painting secretly while the guests were socializing, and just kept painting until it was done. \n\ni felt soooo accomplished afterwards and the sleep i had that night was heaven sent but good god i never wanna go through that again lmao i don’t know why i didn’t just pace myself, i just HAD to do it all at once (but then again knowing me if i stop a painting it’s REALLY hard for me to get back to it cuz i’ll be bored by then so sometimes the only way for me to finish work is to do it all at once when the fire is there)." ], "top_scores": [ 14.989140510559082, 14.129984855651855, 13.649560928344727, 13.624979972839355, 13.097908973693848 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and cognitive state of hyperfocus, particularly in the context of neurodivergence.", "pearson_r": 0.34641016151377535, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6678, "freq": 0.014761070803102327, "mean_pos": 3.674006700515747, "max_act": 12.160767555236816, "log_density": -1.8308821071963508, "top_texts": [ "This response...wow. Thank you so much. I may take you up on that message sometime. Thank you for helping me make sense of the chaos in my head right now.", "I know i have posted in here a lot lately and i want to thank everyone here because you’re really all awesome.", "Thank you everyone for your responses, I took a lot of advice and it seems to be working! ❤️", "I’d also like to thank society for confirming. As they do with their stares and compliments. You citizens of this world are great.", "Thanks in advance! Edit: You guys are the best. I now have a more solid footing on what to do and how to plan for it. Thank you so much. Any other advice is welcome, and thank you to everyone who took the time to say something." ], "top_scores": [ 12.160767555236816, 10.202133178710938, 9.965807914733887, 9.525273323059082, 9.475064277648926 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures expressions of gratitude and positive social validation received from the community.", "pearson_r": 0.7525124257925543, "pred_f1": 0.8571428571428571 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7012, "freq": 0.016990015238701753, "mean_pos": 3.1681575775146484, "max_act": 8.534839630126953, "log_density": -1.7698062060411843, "top_texts": [ "Hi! Clinical psych pre-doc intern here. It depends on what will be most helpful to the patient. If a patient asks if they have a diagnosis or what their diagnosis is, it is their healthcare info that should be given to them. But the purpose of treatment isn’t diagnosis, it’s to build a better and healthier life. Diagnoses can drastically impact people’s perspectives of themselves, their behaviors, and their ability to get better. We take a lot of factors into account before disclosing the diagnosis, but it is always best practice to have an open dialogue going if that is what the patient prefers. In an inpatient setting in which time is usually short, it is not always helpful to disclose a patient’s diagnosis. It is perhaps more helpful to focus on the patient themselves, their symptoms, and their desire to get better.", "If he has a criminal record than he will not get be allowed in. They will def have access to that information, they might not have access to his diagnosis depending on how they were diagnosed. A lot of diagnosis are just “working diagnosis” and not really put into your medical file, most therapists don’t put things into your medical charts", "Is there any potential downside at all to discussing symptoms with a therapist or doctor? If a person, hypothetically, experienced symptoms of schizophrenia and wanted to discuss them with a professional, is there any chance (however minute) of this coming back to bite them?\n\nI understand therapy notes can be subpoenaed. Is this only for cases relevant to the illness/symptoms, or could this information be subpoena’d and the court made aware of the illness just because? \n\nLet’s say, if the person in question worked for a company, and the company is now involved in a lawsuit of some kind, and the patient works in a relevant department. Can the judge make everyone (the company, the lawyers, the public?) aware of the patient’s mental health just because they want to?\n\nI know LEGALLY they can’t lose their job or anything because that’s discrimination, but that doesn’t mean practically this wouldn’t damage their reputation or hurt their career. Particularly if their current role is appointed or elected, or if they have ambitions in that vein, this sort of information being public could be damaging.\n\nBasically I want to know if, completely hypothetically, a person was experiencing symptoms like hallucinations and disordered thinking, could they stand to lose anything by telling this to a professional? ", "Edit: if you do decide to provide information, it could simply be a statement like \"I was a victim of CSA\" or more simply \"I have significant childhood trauma\". It *could* be useful to share something like this if the physician is asking for the reasons I gave above.", "I don’t know why doctors don’t check the chart before they prescribe things. Like it’s literally right there. \nMy mental health history and my antidepressant prescription (?!?!)" ], "top_scores": [ 8.534839630126953, 8.341986656188965, 8.161683082580566, 7.911426067352295, 7.765075206756592 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents concerns regarding the documentation, disclosure, and professional management of mental health diagnoses and medical records.", "pearson_r": 0.8373430289274035, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4284, "freq": 0.012054495417017308, "mean_pos": 4.42981481552124, "max_act": 15.952767372131348, "log_density": -1.9188509277899473, "top_texts": [ "I put on my favorite music and reassure myself I only need to shower for the length of a couple of songs. I also pick out a comfy outfit to get into. Sometimes warming the towel up in the dryer for a bit is good motivation, too.", "Lack of Showerthought... Whenever I take a shower I stick to a pretty regular routine as most people do. ~~~~ Shampoo -> Body Wash ~~~~ Well today as I reached for my body wash I couldn't remember whether or not I shampooed. I sat there for a minute trying to figure out what happened because I had no recollection of shampooing or rinsing my hair out. It wasn't until like 4 minutes later until I remembered putting shampoo on my hand and just that. I thought to myself \"Well, works for me\". It wasn't until I got out of the shower that I realized that I forget something like this in the shower nearly everyday.", "Used to try this when I had severe OCD and became obsessive about it. I’m glad I don’t do it anymore because it made me miserable. In my opinion, the benefits of a warm, relaxing shower far outweigh exercising discipline by immersing yourself in the uncomfortable cold, but that’s just me. That said, I do think it can be good to make it colder towards the end though, especially if showering in the morning, since that’s refreshing.", "How long are your showers? It's so easy for me to get caught up in \"shower thoughts\" and lose track of time. The fastest I've been able to finish a shower on my own without setting an alarm is 12 minutes. I suck :(", "I’ve had this problem for as long as I can remember and I still struggle. I’m autistic but for me it wasn’t a sensory thing, it was a transition thing. It helps me a lot to have a good amount of time to prepare to shower first. Sometimes this is setting a timer, having a shower after dinner routinely or as a kid, it would’ve helped me to have my favourite toys in the shower waiting for me. At any age, patience and warning time is really important for me." ], "top_scores": [ 15.952767372131348, 15.608384132385254, 15.469135284423828, 15.181381225585938, 14.992773056030273 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive and sensory challenges associated with the routine of showering.", "pearson_r": 0.4052855710036847, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6182, "freq": 0.0177633224918689, "mean_pos": 3.0042526721954346, "max_act": 8.554082870483398, "log_density": -1.750475775092086, "top_texts": [ "Welcome to learning How To Be High, Lesson 1: Learn what it's like to be Too High so if it happens again (which it probably will) you know what's Happening and how to Prepare for the Signs", "And this is starting to seem like a pattern of behavior for him so, is this what you want to be dealing with again?", "Yes my Google search history is full of searches like \"what to expect when-\" because I want to know everything that's potentially going to happen before it happens.", "I request a repeat so often it's almost a reflex. \"Sorry, what did you say\" and in the time I asked by reflex my brain caught up and I actually had no need to hear it again. \n ", "Wait, what were you saying again? >Oh yeah, okay, this is what I must do... \n\n*But wait, how's the weather today though? I do really wonder. Hmmm.* \n\n\n>Wait, what? Oh, oh yeah, I totally heard you, don't worry. \n\n*Dude! That thing I wanted to get is now on sale! Tjoho!* \n\n\n>Huh? Oh, oh yeah, I totally heard you!\n\n*What? What was that person saying again? Oh shit, what was the instruction?* \n\n**\\*\\*asks them to repeat whatever they just said 5 minutes ago\\*\\***\n\n*...I wonder what's for dinner today...* \n\n\n>Oh, but uh, I'm sorry, what were you saying again?\n\n**\\*\\*they repeat whatever they repeated again\\*\\***\n\n*\\*I space out\\** \n\n.\n\nPlease send help :(" ], "top_scores": [ 8.554082870483398, 7.481729030609131, 7.199182510375977, 7.155609130859375, 6.7942328453063965 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents cognitive preoccupation with anticipation, mental rehearsal, and the management of attentional lapses.", "pearson_r": 0.15908013612231472, "pred_f1": 0.6086956521739131 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5953, "freq": 0.015124980098710397, "mean_pos": 3.5158181190490723, "max_act": 9.109628677368164, "log_density": -1.8203051594015038, "top_texts": [ "It is your job as a partner to make your loved ones feel safe.", "For my entire life safety meant being completely alone, no familairs, no strangers, no one to interrupt - with financial pillow. It changed, now I'm glad to have someone around in case if my body decides to collapse. Strangely, as 2022 has been not keen on my physical health, I felt safe in semi-crowded public spaces. I felt safe having my room open, my phone unmuted. Safety as of now is knowledge of people being close to hear me scream. I received help not by just my family but those strangers I didn't like before - people just half a year ago I didn't want near me, now putting hands on me to help and me being grateful and trusting...never could I imagine.", "Thanks for your response! What makes you feel safe in your therapeutic relationship?", "Loneliness is addicting... But I know it's just eating me up from the inside, I hate choosing to be alone, but being lonely is the only time I really feel safe; I feel safe from my everyday responsibilities that constantly weigh me down, I feel safe from the outside world, and I feel safe from the people that have hurt me so easily so many times.", "If you are LGBT and religious, try to find a place where you can safely practice your religion, but i personally will never agree with it, many of us see it for what it is, a system that has fueled oppression and bigotry. For me, protecting ourselves comes first, and I don’t believe LGBT people will ever be safe in a community that has been their biggest oppressor. Even just knowing that can weigh on you, let alone experiencing that oppression and bigotry firsthand." ], "top_scores": [ 9.109628677368164, 8.622055053710938, 8.575069427490234, 8.553194999694824, 8.504545211791992 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and interpersonal dynamics of emotional safety.", "pearson_r": 0.47457627118644063, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5066, "freq": 0.00850637978483863, "mean_pos": 6.211173057556152, "max_act": 18.738248825073242, "log_density": -2.0702551801627043, "top_texts": [ "Ahh, it’s nice that someone understands. I don’t know either but I know I’m so content as a cat. I’ve almost meowed and hissed during public interactions too lol. Thank you :))", "Cats were one of my special interests when I was little. I got bullied for it ", "To my childhood cat Thank you for comforting me while I cried myself to sleep, thank you for hearing me when no one else had the patience to, thank you for never belittling my sadness, thank you for never judging me, thank you for being my shelter when things at home were too much to deal. Thank you for making things a bit more bearable for a frightened child. \n\nAfter 14 years by your side and now 3 away from you I still find myself calling your name in moments of need. I have never and I'll never trust anyone as much as you. You were my one and only friend and I'll never forget you. One day we'll meet again.", "I'd accept immediately and request to become an indoor housecat. If I get to choose the breed, then I'd love to be a Maine Coon, but if I can't that's fine, I'd just wanna be a black housecat. I'd be cared for, in a safe environment, with someone who loves me. Black cats don't get adopted often, cause of superstitions, but since I specified that I'd already be a housecat, I imagine I wouldn't have to worry about the adoption process. ", "You're not childish, and you're not crazy for loving your cat. Your mom is a manipulative asshole and it sounds like your dad is too. \nI have two cats. If either of them were sick, I'd be putting every spare cent I have into getting them whatever help they need. However, please feed yourself; you can't help him if you're not well enough to do it. I'd also recommend calling your chosen vet and asking if they have any payment plans or anything to help you finance the vet bills. On top of that, do an online search for financial aid relating to pet healthcare and veterinary services. Last thing, because you're on benefits, try and find out if you're eligible for reduced costs of vet care through what or whoever is providing your benefits. \nCan I ask; whereabouts are you located worldwide? You don't have to be specific (or you can DM me if you want to) but even knowing your country will help when it comes to doing research on what help you might be able to get. Let's do it for Grog 💪" ], "top_scores": [ 18.738248825073242, 18.2161865234375, 17.575244903564453, 17.285324096679688, 16.639667510986328 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the emotional comfort and psychological attachment derived from feline companionship.", "pearson_r": 0.6022179997839008, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7158, "freq": 0.012873291332135465, "mean_pos": 4.082021713256836, "max_act": 13.879925727844238, "log_density": -1.8903103684939724, "top_texts": [ "Of course being a LGBT member means that you can be anxious about it, but it is just another reason to be anxious, not an actual problem. Basicly, without being LGBT you would simply find another reason to be anxious about.", "If you are LGBT and religious, try to find a place where you can safely practice your religion, but i personally will never agree with it, many of us see it for what it is, a system that has fueled oppression and bigotry. For me, protecting ourselves comes first, and I don’t believe LGBT people will ever be safe in a community that has been their biggest oppressor. Even just knowing that can weigh on you, let alone experiencing that oppression and bigotry firsthand.", "i knew gay was humiliation. i tried bringing up to my dad, and he said he wouldn't care if his son was a fudge packer, nor would he care bout that son anymore. i then had to speak to the bishop of my church and tell him about me possibly being gay. my dad was in the back of the room and another man i had never met wa sitting next to him. He asked me if i had ever had any gay encounters.", "I mean calling him homophobic is one thing, but please don't ignore context. Lesbians are objectified CONSTANTLY by men, lesbian sex is one of the most popular pornographic content for decades now despite lesbians being a tiny fraction of society, and it's a societal phenomenon for a lot of straight men to ogle over any lesbian couple being physical in public. Fighting for an explicit lesbian sex scene while one of the characters' sister is trying to kill herself isn't as revolutionary as you present it.", "Im inferior to heterosexuals Im obvously much more inferior to heterosexuals, because only heterosexuals can have a normal family. I wish there was a way to get rid, or cure homosecuality, because it is a genetic dead end. I believe its a mistake of evolution. Homsoexuality should not actually exist. And because i will never produce offspring, im therefore useless, and i will probably kill myself sooner or later. I will not kill myself if there is a cure, otherwise i will certainly do it." ], "top_scores": [ 13.879925727844238, 13.101733207702637, 11.353833198547363, 11.33230972290039, 11.226483345031738 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of LGBTQ+ identity with experiences of social stigma, discrimination, and internalized shame.", "pearson_r": 0.5581786267495285, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9870, "freq": 0.013532876930425092, "mean_pos": 3.8660731315612793, "max_act": 12.578583717346191, "log_density": -1.8686098355979741, "top_texts": [ "Hobby Hoarding problems Try to see if this is relatable.\n\n\\*See someone do something super cool with their hobby\\*\n\n\"Oh I need to learn how to do that!\"\n\n\\*Spend most of the next week finding out everything about the hobby\\*\n\n\\*Proceed to buy everything related to the hobby\\*\n\n\\*Get frustrated because it was actually much harder than it seems to be a pro at that hobby in only 2 days\\*\n\n\\*Give up, throw items into the closet then forget about it\\*\n\nRepeat with another hobby.\n\nThe upside to this is that you always have something relatable to talk about when a topic comes up in a conversation. Downside is that you come across as a poser. \"You have a skateboard but you can't even ollie?\" \"Why do you have a guitar if you can't play any songs?\" I tend to hide my interests from my friends to avoid seeming that way.\n\n&#x200B;\n\ntl;dr hobbies are great until you've drained your bank account and forgot all about it.", "Money killing hobbies It's well known we love hobbies and flip through them often. Seemingly contrary I only really have one.\n\nI'm very big into automotive type hobbies. Specifically the custom side. It's extremely expensive and I've had to change jobs multiple times to finance it, yet I still haven't really finished a single vehicle yet (i guess that's not so surprising).\n\nWhat are your money killing or main hobbies?", "Pursuing a hobby How do you guys pursue a hobby? If you're really into something but gets easily distracted, how do you pursue those things? I've been trying to learn to play guitar and it seems like every song should be like a reflex in my head rather than a memory note, and I'm finding it incredibly difficult. Can you guys share your experience on how you guys pursue the things you like to do?", "Thoughts about practising hobbies? So. I'm quite functional in everyday life, I have three kids that I have to take care of and they actually fill me with joy, but I fell into the trap of neglecting myself over parenting what leads to me basically existing in a pit of nothingness and bitter darkness.\n\nBasically everyone told me 'you must also do things for your own sake' but at this point, everything seems pointless, superficial and vain. Like \"you should try a pottery course to fulfill yourself' ridiculous.\n\nI had been learning piano from age 5-12 or so. I was quite good at it, but then quit. Now I still can play some easy songs but I have zero practise.\n\nAnd of course, practising also feels futile. I have bought a piano ballad book, with pieces I actually like, they're arranged so easily that it's almost an insult, but the accompanying CD sounds soothing and beautiful and I cry when listening to it.\n\nStill I can't bring myself to practice, although knowing someone common tunes and being able to play then skillfully would actually be a useful hobby.\n\nBut still I can't get over the fact that it would be motivated by emptiness and vanity.\n\nOr maybe those are the demons trying to keep me from doing something that would actually have value.\n\nThoughts?", "Question: I often get really really into new hobbies. I'll get hyper focused on a hobby. I'll go from forum to forum, to web page to web page about them, and then it'll fade. It'll still be interesting to me, but it won't be enough to motivate me to work on it. Does anyone else experience this?\n\nThis is why I have no hobbies that I've perfected. I get to a point where I'm good at it, and then I lose interest and stop.\n\nFor example, over the period of a few months, I studied a ton about perfumery. Even went as far as making some custom fragrances. And then the feeling just faded away.\n\nIt's been the same chain of events for so many hobbies. " ], "top_scores": [ 12.578583717346191, 12.296762466430664, 11.6876220703125, 11.107339859008789, 10.95693302154541 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of hyper-fixation and impulsive engagement with new hobbies followed by rapid loss of interest.", "pearson_r": 0.30959445818243336, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4720, "freq": 0.012509382036527395, "mean_pos": 4.158432960510254, "max_act": 11.91251277923584, "log_density": -1.9027641092065866, "top_texts": [ "Ptsd because of bullying? Dont know if thats the place to ask this but -hi. Let me know if i would get more answers somewhere else. \n\nIve been through 10 years bullying at school. I have ptsd because of it (along with with huge self confidence problems and anxiety). Said bullying ended a few years ago but the trauma is obviously still here. \n\nIve been wondering if anyone else has experienced ptsd because of bullying. Ive never met or talked to someone who did. And its quite recently that ptsd definition in DSM changed to also include trauma that happened over time in its definition.", "Anyone here bullied online for posting a simple opinion? I get bullied so much for posting an opinion, it has nothing to do with politics or anything offensive, I find it really weird because on 9gag and youtube there was really no bullying, it was either supportive or nobody cared, but here on reddit you have a bandwagon of people thinking they are world class debaters or something", "Help lol Hey, I’ve posted on here so many times and it’s so helpful but ironically I haven’t been using it in my toughest time until now. I’ve felt so afraid and isolated even as far as reddit goes. \n\nFirstly I just want to say I’m not a confrontational person, I’m super scared of fights because I have bad anxiety and it goes insane if someone isn’t okay with me. So normally I try and let things slide.\n\nI started university recently and am in a flat with a few other people, at first everyone was extremely lovely until I spoke about some things I’ve been dealing with and how they influence some of the things I can and can’t do in life. Since then, two of these flat mates of mine have taken it upon themselves to brutally bully and harass me. I’m normally able to handle it to an extent but let’s just say it’s taken over social media, social circles and my physical home life. It’s even stretched back into social circles hours away from them that I thought were safe. Genuinely, it’s really really bad.\n\nIt’s completely unprovoked, cruel and sickening to be honest. People who are aware of what is going on cannot believe this is happening at our age (20), and are absolutely disgusted and shocked. I’ve dealt with a lot in my life, so while I have my moments of weakness and come to reddit as a safe place to get help and be open, I deal with and have dealt with a LOT on my own, I thought I could handle this, but I can’t.\n\nIt’s triggered so much childhood trauma to the point where I get physically ill from stress and cysts (due to a health condition being aggravated by it), I’m unable to eat or leave my room. I’ve tried being nice, being silent, being defensive, everything. Nothing I do or don’t makes anything better. I leave them be ALL the time, I’ve never said anything cruel or mean or used a name or done what’s been done to me back yet I am constantly a target.\n\nWhilst this has been going on I also found out I have two lifelong diseases that have destroyed my body and paralyse me inconsistently, a parent has been in and out of hospital with a severely dangerous illness and another family member was brutally attacked in her own bedroom, I also moved miles away to be at uni and broke up with a partner of several years after years of abuse. Add this to the bullying and my history of suicidal temperaments, severe clinical & chronic depression and anxiety and I’m a hot second away from literally giving up. I’m exhausted, the last two years of my life have been the hardest years I’ve ever dealt with and I’m tired... I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried everything... I can’t deal with all those more important things such as the parent situation and my illness and cope with their suffocating bullying. Please just let me know what I can do? Please help", "lost Just want to say sorry for any typo or grammar errors. I’m from Norway.\n\nI’m a 19 year old guy, turns 20 in two weeks or so. I’ve been bullied for almost 12 years. It has been really hard. This has impacted my life in a way that I feel like I can’t trust anyone, not even myself. My self esteem is nonexistent and I feel like my life has no benefit to the society or to others. I just want to live a life where I don’t wake up with anxiety and with the constant feeling of not knowing what to do with my life.\n\nI don’t want to go out with friends because I feel like everyone is judging me. If I’m in a crowd of people anxiety attacks every part of my body. I feel numb. I’m a disappointment to my self and others, especially my family.\n\nA few days ago I found out I didn’t get into college, I can’t get a job and I can’t even get my drivers license. It’s been 2 years.. I’m a failure and nothing else. There is not a single day that goes by where I’m not happy.\nI’m so insecure and I can’t do anything about it, and it fucking ruins me..\n\nI just hope somewhere in the future my life doesn’t have to be like this, but I doubt it. I feel like I’ve lost, its game over.. ", "Psychology has shown that bullying increases the chances of gaining weight. & what happened to me personally was that I used to be underweight & I had family members that were constantly bullying me for it. That coupled with a bunch of other physical & psychological problems caused me to become obese as a teen. & I struggled to lose that weight for years & I tried, but my eating disorder would get triggered. I only managed to lose that weight & keep it off by no contact with those relatives. I had everything else figured out by that point. I knew what worked for me & what didn’t. I was being treated for my mental disorders & learning new coping mechanisms. But any time I tried to implement these things I would eventually get flashbacks of my family members abusing me. I got rid of those people who hurt me & I replaced them with people who are supportive. You’re going to still disagree with me after & you might say something hurtful. I don’t care. Other people will read this & it might just help them in some way" ], "top_scores": [ 11.91251277923584, 11.866105079650879, 11.500306129455566, 11.214950561523438, 11.192078590393066 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of being a victim of bullying and its long-term psychological impact.", "pearson_r": 0.5958637717515431, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7216, "freq": 0.010735324220438056, "mean_pos": 4.8252129554748535, "max_act": 14.37049388885498, "log_density": -1.969184794329529, "top_texts": [ "they pursue physical transition to rid themselves of gender dysphoria, they want their body to reflect how they identify and to feel more comfortable in themselves, and they want others to percieve them as the gender they identify as", "Being trans is recognising that the puzzle you're making is different than the picture on the box. Dysphoria is being uncontrollably upset by the puzzle not matching the picture. )", "Well i'm intersex and while my gender identity and dysphoria are both heavily influenced by being intersex, i wouldn't be able to compare it to someone else's dysphoria. Though realising i was intersex did unleash gender euphoria for me like you said.", "/uj I've already had top surgery and the original post still gave me dysphoria", "Me, stuck with the intrusive thought that I'm actually a girl and doing everything wrong even though I feel very happy as a boy and absolutely awful as a girl: is this dysphoria?" ], "top_scores": [ 14.37049388885498, 13.793907165527344, 13.059515953063965, 12.840929985046387, 12.557388305664062 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and conceptualization of gender dysphoria and identity-related distress.", "pearson_r": 0.5291362724111438, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6822, "freq": 0.013441899606523073, "mean_pos": 3.788217306137085, "max_act": 10.886970520019531, "log_density": -1.8715393202280648, "top_texts": [ "Sometimes the most fascinating characters are the ones that go through the darkest personal journeys.", "Peridot and Rose's character development being the same but told in opposite directions, the music giving hints about the plot ahead of time, the way it dove into how traumatic events can affect different people, etc.", "I do agree with ur point to an extent but sometimes characters who are portrayed to have a mental illness or disability don’t always need that 100% label if they’re meant for ppl to relate to", "Characters in fiction with ADHD What are some characters from film, TV, books, etc. with ADHD? I hear the obvious hyperactive cartoonish types, but I’m wondering if there are some more realistic examples you guys relate to? I’ve always felt that Juno from the film Juno was ADHD, I relate to her and the quick wit and impulsive decisions. ", "I’m trying to create a kin list. I started by googling “characters with HPD” but they’re all textbook HPD like Regina George, Michael Scott, Harley Quinn… who I don’t relate to at all. So please name some characters!\nhttps://reddit.com/r/hpd/comments/t72fmb/fictional_characters_you_relate_to/" ], "top_scores": [ 10.886970520019531, 10.785539627075195, 10.547076225280762, 10.075468063354492, 10.04108715057373 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the projection of personal mental health experiences onto fictional characters for the purpose of relatability.", "pearson_r": 0.6883979173265745, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5752, "freq": 0.015943776013828553, "mean_pos": 3.1255178451538086, "max_act": 9.262641906738281, "log_density": -1.7974087882125487, "top_texts": [ "First off, trust me I recognize how irrational most of this is. But it feels like it's always in the back of my mind.", "Yeah, I generally think that's only making matters worse, and frankly it's too irrational, even for me.", "being reasonable or logical doesn't work with cognitive bias, especially of the religious kind.", "But otherwise, try to cultivate foresight. It's almost never worth it to go go ballistic.", "Though not what I “wanted” to hear, it’s still good to hear and somewhat reassuring. Thank you" ], "top_scores": [ 9.262641906738281, 7.716739177703857, 7.232797622680664, 6.9684529304504395, 6.807511329650879 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the meta-cognitive evaluation of one's own thoughts as irrational, logical, or reasonable.", "pearson_r": 0.5640830083749122, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7430, "freq": 0.01482930379602884, "mean_pos": 3.3593292236328125, "max_act": 11.16837215423584, "log_density": -1.8288792084001753, "top_texts": [ "ADHD and laziness? First of all I know that being lazy is a false stereotype about people with ADHD. We need to do more effort than neurotypicals to achieve the same result. This is exhausting and if we underperform, because people don't see our inner struggle, it looks as if we are lazy. However just as neurotypicals can be lazy, we can be lazy. And this a bit of my struggle. I am quite innatantive, but mine feels very periodical. So I am not always sure at the time what is causing poor results. How can overcome my personal laziness while also struggling with adhd?", "Feeling very lazy for a while I've been feeling super lazy, like lazier than usual. I have lost the drive and motivation to do anything but lay in bed and watch videos on YouTube. I will even scream at myself (mentally) to do my homework throughout the day. I also tried making a plan for myself so I can get work done. But no matter what, I still can't get myself up to do anything, and it's really damaging my life. Like my grades are failing, I'm starting to gain weight, and my hygiene isn't as good as it used to be. I just feel like I hit a massive burn out, y'know? Like I'm just exhausted 24/7, physically and mentally. Like am I just a lazy bastard, or is like a different problem, i dont know", "Is being 'lazy' a negative symptom? I always get called lazy by my Mum and I'm not sure if it's a negative symptom or not? I lack enthusiasm, motivation and I don't look after myself. I'd rather stay indoors than go out and I am sometimes quite flat and I can't relate to people or laugh much.", "am i depressed or just lazy? so i think i’ve been struggling with depression for years now, and definitely with suicidal thoughts and the like. i’m better with the latter the last few months, but not the former. i have no motivation to do things periodically, but it’s gone on for weeks now out of nowhere. i don’t feel like finishing any homework assignments until i guilt myself unto it at 4 am (hence my horrid sleep schedule). sometimes i don’t even feel like doing things i’m actually passionate about, like art or fulfilling commissions. i just lay on my side and watch youtube or scroll through reddit all day. i don’t even text anyone or anything.\n\nhow do i differentiate between being genuinely depressed and being plain ol lazy? is it ok i’m going through this or are there steps i should be taking right now? i don’t know where to go from here. ", "Help! Am I depressed? I’m from another country. My country doesn’t really acknowledge mental illness. In addition, for people of my ethnicity (asian) it’s not common for us to even think that we’re depressed, or at least in my community. I’ve lived in the U.S for 3 years and my life has changed a lot. I lost interest in many things, and for the interests I still have, I always feel behind and don’t want to work on it. I’ve been showing sign of oversleeping (more than 10 hours) even though it’s hard for me to fall asleep. I used to be quite average in talking to people, I wasn’t an extrovert or introvert, but now I’m quite certain that I’m an introvert. I think a lot about changing my life style but I never do it.\n\nI’ve been assuming that I’m just lazy and never thought about depression. Especially since it’s not effecting my school work at all because I’m quite smart and don’t need to to much work to maintain my work and not falling behind in school is what make my family, friends, and even myself think that I’m doing fine. Everyday I just go to school, get home and watch videos on my bed. On the days that I don’t have class, I wouldn’t leave the house. Last semester I rarely go to class because I had 2 classes per day and that’s not enough to get me out of the house. “If I can study by myself and still get A why would I go to class” is what say to myself when I don want to go to class. Unless my roommates tell me to go somewhere with them, I would just stay in the dorm for the weekends. I still have interest in my major and still actively thinking about classes I need to take to get the degree. But other than that I have no interest in joining clubs or anything like that. I have thought about doing a little more self study so I can speed through the process but never stayed with the idea.\n\nSo my question is, am I depressed? This thought never came to my mind but I just saw a video about international student falling into depression because we are quite lonely and don’t have family members for people who under stand us culturally to motivate us. I still think that I’m just very lazy. When I type this I feel like I’m just looking for something to blame on for my laziness. But also at the same time I can’t get myself to do anything about it. I’m asking this because I’m actually struggling with this laziness and I’ve never experienced this before. I wasn’t like this in high school. I was lazy but I still do things, now I don’t do anything if I don’t have to, including things that I like. I even lost interest in pleasurable things like drugs, sex and alcohol. I used to enjoy smoking to relax or socialize, now I just smoke because I thought it would make me feed better like it used to but it doesn’t anymore. In the matter of fact, I get more and more of those self conscious high that I rarely get and used to be able to easily knock out of it. I’m feeling more and more insecure about everything, my appearance, my language, my accent, my intelligence, my status in life. I used to joke those things myself and never felt bad about them. I still make fun of them but at the same time I’m getting negative thought about them. I’m sorry if this is too long or just me being lazy and trying to blame it on something but for the first time in my life, I’m questioning my mental health.\n\nTl;dr I’ve been showing sign of over sleeping, struggling to fall asleep, lost of interests, increasing insecurity, and extreme laziness. Am I depressed or just lazy?" ], "top_scores": [ 11.16837215423584, 10.346911430358887, 9.980020523071289, 9.419660568237305, 8.917086601257324 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The internal conflict and self-doubt regarding the distinction between clinical symptoms and perceived laziness.", "pearson_r": 0.6383079777530348, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7922, "freq": 0.01075806855141356, "mean_pos": 4.617701053619385, "max_act": 16.41014289855957, "log_density": -1.968265652311333, "top_texts": [ "Seroquel was created by Satan to destroy your Spirit. It came out of his gay asshole and is his child.", "Took 100mg of Sertraline and a cup of coffee Did it so I could do the load of work I've been putting off this month. It just made me sleepy as heck.", "3000mg seroquel dose update Today is now Friday. I overdosed on the seroquel on Monday night. My idea was that I would just fall asleep and not wake up - like a peaceful death... nope. That’s not what happened. I stayed awake with intense muscle stiffness and weakness. I could feel my motor function quickly failing so I rushed over to the couch to lie down. My body began craving water so I sild off the couch and crawled to the kitchen sink. It must have taken me about 15 or 20 minutes before I mustered up enough strength to stand up and drink. I started feeling my consciousness slip away so called for my mom who I thought was upstairs. She wasn’t but my sister was home and she came to my aid. She called poison control and they told her to call emergency (911). The men who came to the call put me in a stretcher and brought me to the hospital. Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday area blur. I don’t remember what happened other than a few snapshots from my memory. For the most part I was unconscious. I do remember being in constraints and I wasn’t sure why I was. They also injected me with something which put me to sleep instantly and definitely was another cause of the blurry mixing of the three days. Now here I am as an inpatient...waiting... although I attempted suicide, my doctor is allowing me to go off grounds for better food than hospital food (Since I’m alive I want to continue growing in weight). He doesn’t mind since I told him that I have no current thoughts of handing myself.", "I've started taking Seroquel after being off them for a long time, and I realized how much relaxed I was after taking them. I'd say take them if they are helping.", "Sertraline dreams ? I’ve been on 100mg of Sertraline a day for about half a year.\n\nI went cold turkey around 3 weeks ago as it was difficult to renew my prescription at the time.\n\nI’ve realised that I used to dream about flying quite a lot while I was on sertraline.\n\nIs this a common symptom ?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.41014289855957, 14.887175559997559, 14.614952087402344, 13.67358684539795, 13.323995590209961 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the specific subjective experiences, side effects, and usage of psychiatric medications.", "pearson_r": 0.40592524730590873, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3887, "freq": 0.015011258443832875, "mean_pos": 3.307999610900879, "max_act": 9.08694839477539, "log_density": -1.8235828689452116, "top_texts": [ "* The route you intend to take when leaving, where you plan on going and who will help you along the way * Where your emergency clothing, supplies, money, and documents are kept. Also, try to hide the fact that those things are being moved at all * Any emergency code words, such as those used with children to indicate safety or danger * New, private bank accounts", "Pill box that doesn't look like a pill box? I use a daily pill organizer to store my meds, mostly so I don't forget if I've already taken it or not.\n\nGiven some recent issues with theft -_- I'm looking for a more discrete version that isn't so obviously a pill box. Any recommendations?", "What is the most valuable item you have lost? I’m an art therapy intern at a mental health center. I bring my camera to work to document client artwork. Yesterday I took my camera out of my bag because I had to get my notebook to write notes, it was toward the end of the day so I was already tired. I ended up setting my camera on the floor and I didn’t notice that I had put it there before I left. Basically someone stole it and I feel like a big dummy because I wasn’t paying attention and I left it out for someone to steal. \nIt might make me feel better to know that I’m in good company because I feel pretty bad! ", "In prison, I was housed with two other person, we already had planned to take over the leadership of the gang that had control of our wing. We were making weapon, I got into a fight with one of the guy. I knew I was getting out soon, but I couldn't tell people, so I acted as if I was there until my court date. I was the guy who kept watch for the guard while my cellmate created a weapon out of his bed sheet ( strangulation ). I had won protection from them by giving them drugs.", "“Yeah I saw, I think he out to steal.” “That’s what I think, keep an eye out man this place ain’t bad but you gotta watch yourself.” *nods* Then I fell asleep. And woke up to a stolen charger." ], "top_scores": [ 9.08694839477539, 8.79964828491211, 8.48365592956543, 7.620693206787109, 7.618398666381836 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects themes of theft, concealment, and the strategic management of physical security or personal items.", "pearson_r": 0.6180232466090962, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2280, "freq": 0.012577615029453908, "mean_pos": 3.9418327808380127, "max_act": 15.722136497497559, "log_density": -1.900401667584473, "top_texts": [ "Grocery shopping is a real nightmare for me Grocery shopping is a real nightmare for me. The moment that I walk in to a grocery store I start to feel very anxious. There are people everywhere and everyone is blocking the pathways. I also tend to have a problem with focussing on all the products in the store as I walk past them. There are just way to many products and I can’t process everything at once. And in the end I just start panicking for no reason. \n\nGrocery shopping with someone is even more of a nightmare. It always ends up in some sort of an argument, because when I start to panic, the only thing I want is to leave asap. Unfortunately that is not always possible so my panicking/stressing about nothing gets even worse. Also the person I’m with thinks that I’m overreacting and being a drama queen, when this is really how I feel. Sometimes I almost cry out of stress. I always feel like such a little crybaby, because when I really think about it, grocery shopping is something so easy and simple, yet I seem to avoid it as much as possible. \n\nIs there someone who experiences grocery shopping relatively the same as me? Sometimes I think that I might be crazy to make such a big thing about something so small and easy. (Also sorry for my English, I’m not a native English speaker.) ", "I get so distracted at Wal-Mart that it takes me around 45 minutes to get a small list of groceries and get out. My family drives me to Wal-Mart for my grocery shopping or wherever I may need to go for things. I hate Wal-Mart though. I have to make a list or I won't come home with anything I need. I don't have an organized list either, but it's just a list I usually make when I remember to put something on it. I speed walk all over trying to get my necessities; I know where everything is in Wal-Mart because I'm there every other weekend. I get road rage behind people and I'm very impatient about waiting for others to move out of my way. I get distracted at other things in the aisles, and half the time I end up coming home with something that wasn't on my list. Does anyone else have a hard time shopping for groceries?", "You’re wrong on that, I’m an avid returner of carts. And I can’t even remember the last time I intentionally didn’t put something back in the right spot. I’m just saying - it happens! People don’t always make the 100% best choices on a crowded day in a grocery store. Some people suffer from anxiety, and cannot handle another moment in a crowded store. There are a million reasons why someone might not return an item to the correct spot, and they don’t owe every grocery store worker an explanation.", "Thank you for your response! It helps me to know that there are others that can relate to this experience and find solace a community free of judgment and full of compassion. I also work around kids being in a grocery store, but I use my daily work environment as exposure therapy to help with my fears. We definitely will find peace. I’ll fight this battle everyday until I know it and I hope you and everyone else in this community has the strength to fight until you know peace as well ♥️", "Ogp. It's like shopping online grocery orders and taking them out to customers. I dont mind the actual shopping part. But I hated being in thr back. It was always so crowded with people running everywhere to put orders together (cause Walmart shops orders by store section rather than one person doing a whole order. So they have to group the actual order together in the back) and people taking orders out. It's too much for my anxiety and I was really only taught the shopping part and was expected to figure the rest out on my own.\n\nI really don't mind being a cashier. Most of my jobs have included having to run the register. It seems to not make sense. But cashiers have a script that you rarely have to waver from. And if there's a problem you just call the manager over to deal with it. Its very straightforward about what's expected of you" ], "top_scores": [ 15.722136497497559, 13.743366241455078, 12.972931861877441, 12.875750541687012, 12.869588851928711 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents social anxiety and sensory overwhelm specifically triggered by the environment of grocery shopping.", "pearson_r": 0.4214122766872753, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7877, "freq": 0.012736825346282439, "mean_pos": 3.8454527854919434, "max_act": 9.914034843444824, "log_density": -1.8949387723145854, "top_texts": [ "Sounds like a great friend. When you get older, you'll just cut out toxic", "I do the same :// my fp told me I was toxic I went into a bad episode after that", "Well in their defense this is how males were raised to be for a long time, I’m older and I was definitely shamed anytime I showed emotion so I learned to suppress it. Now it’s like stuck that way but it’s very unhealthy and my emotions or the ones I should have had and delt with in a healthy way tend to either leak out in toxic behaviors that I cannot always control or by abusing alcohol or something like that. \n\nIt seems like society is moving away from that and not forcing people into small boxes of what you are supposed to be and accepting what people actually are more now. So maybe this will help with that. I’d hesitate trying to diagnose people I tend to just look for red flag behavior and if I see enough of it that it’s a pattern I’m out of there. I was in a relationship for years with a cluster b woman and it was toxic and hell to be honest and the real shitty behavior didn’t start until we had a child together and she knew she had me somewhat trapped it was so bad at times. To make matters worse she was lying to everyone she knew and telling them that I was abusing her and using it as an excuse to explain her shitty behavior and running around like an ally cat. So not only was she screwing me over and was the abusive one she had everyone hating me because she had them convinced it was me. She even tried to start a relationship with one of my friends behind my back and he was trying steal her from me too. Anyways that’s enough of that but yes stay clear of toxic people \n\nLying is a big red flag to me and watch how they talk about other people and how they treat other people especially behind their back’s because I can guarantee you that they will be doing the same to you if they aren’t already. Stay safe out there", "The Luxury of Choice I don't believe people who live with BPD always have the capacity to know who is toxic for *us*. I think we put up and shut up in relationships because we're often the ones being left because of our own toxic actions. As a result, we cling to abusive friends and lovers, and internalize all toxicity as our faults. It feels like penance. \n\nBut the reality is a lot of Borderlines are in a constant state of self-improvement because of our own abusive choices. Forgive the following generalization but I believe that if we hurt someone and they leave, we spiral into guilt-fueled self-destruction, eventually accept that they left, and seek help to be better for the next relationship. We are constantly in a state of self-improvement because we have to be in order to stay one step ahead of our disorder. And if we're successful, we build up defense systems for future loved ones. While it's not always fail-proof, I do think we learn and try harder each time around.\n\nBut because of this, if we encounter someone who might be toxic for us, we automatically accept blame when things go sideways. AND WE DON'T LEAVE. We cling, thinking that we're back to old habits.\n\nAsk yourselves: Do you believe you deserve to be around healthy people?\n Have you left someone because of their toxic actions?\n\nLiving with BPD feels like living with the notion that one day, everyone leaves. And so we cherish anyone who stays, even to our detriments. \n\n\n", "I am toxic I just realized on my own that I am toxic. I am always sad, always want attention on my sadness. I drag people down. I’m always crying, my boyfriend broke up with me because of it. He claims I’m manipulative, which I don’t see how. But I can admit I’m toxic. \nFor context on the manipulative topic, I post stuff on my private snapchat saying “depression meal” or complaining about my day. \nI always want people around me. I get jealous if they have other people in their lives. I feel horrible, I am a terrible person. I’m jealous of people for having friends. I want to be better. I started therapy. \nI will never forgive myself on how I’ve treated the people in my life. I have been horrible to my amazing boyfriend, my mom, my father, my sister, any friend I’ve had. I wish I realized this sooner because I truly will never forgive myself. I hate this. I hate how the only reason I was pushed to realize this is losing someone I love. I wish I was better. I will be better." ], "top_scores": [ 9.914034843444824, 9.589990615844727, 9.41386890411377, 9.408365249633789, 9.355076789855957 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the self-attribution or interpersonal labeling of behavior as \"toxic.\"", "pearson_r": 0.37383210888418683, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3706, "freq": 0.012759569677257944, "mean_pos": 3.815486192703247, "max_act": 15.221368789672852, "log_density": -1.8941639381254043, "top_texts": [ "Chest physically hurts when I’m sad Basically title says it all. I can feel a palpable pain radiating in the center of my chest; between my nipples and right on my sternum. \n\nIt’s like a dull pain but it’s only when I’m focusing on sad stuff and it’s a physical reminder of how shitty my life is.\n\nAnyways, anyone else have this??", "My chest has a different feeling. Before it would feel on fire and chaotic. Now it feels just wrong. Like I am in medical danger. I am a 26 year old woman.", "Do you ever wake up and feel so sad that it literally feels like your heart is aching and there is huge pressure on the chest? I was left after 3 years of relationship and was struggling with depressive behaviour. I think it took me like a year to stop waking up sad and feel this massive pain in the chest. I used to be afraid to go sleep just because this wake up pain is so bad. And it happened after a nap too. You wake up all vulnerable and suddenly you realise you are alone and the person you loved the most left you and it used to feel like a bag of massive stones were put on my chest and heart muscle was being in pain. Like a heartburn.\nAfter this i tried to get back to dating but somehow i ended up liking a guy who decided to ditch me too.\nI know this is not a reason to think something is wrong with me but my brain thinks otherway. And now I am agains waking up with this massive saddness and a physical heartache. I really want it to go away. Also I wonder, have any of you every experienced this kind of feeling of chestpain from sadness as well? ", "Those of you with ADHD & Anxiety - Do you/have you experienced prolonged chest pains? *Not looking for medical adv* \\*\\*\\*NOT LOOKING FOR MEDICAL ADVICE - I'M SEEING A GP, Psychiatrist and eventually a cardiologist\\*\\*\n\n\\*\\*Looking for peoples experiences and their own story - I will not take it as medical advice\\*\\*\\*\n\n**Do you guys get chest pains from anxiety?** (Even when you don't 'feel' or think you're anxious)\n\n**How does it feel?** \n\n**How do you deal with it?** \n\n**Is it really a \"panic attack\" if I'm constantly feeling subtle pain?**\n\n**How did you find out your chest pain was related to anxiety and not something else?**\n\n**Essentially I have had chest pains in the past but they'd come and go so briefly I've never paid attention. For the last 6 weeks they've been SUPER constant and it's freaking me out a bit.** \n\n&#x200B;\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThe backstory:\n\nA couple weeks ago I started a new job, started Uni again, then went for a fitness test for the army and failed due to getting dizzy and needing fresh air after doing a run then 40 push ups and standing still (Not overweight, I do weights but I don't do regular cardio) I almost fainted, never happened to be before.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nNot long after that I got a blood test and they said I had high cholesterol. I start getting the chest pains that I used to get (but ignored because of how brief and mild they were) WAY more frequently, I started to freak out the occasional chest pains I used to get were a more serious issue, because of my high cholesterol. The pain is mild but my mind is racing on what it could be, I go doctors but the EKG is normal and they say maybe its reflux. They book me in for a stress echo (run a on a treadmill to see if my arteries are blocked) This whole time I'm worrying my cholesterol has clogged my arteries and thats the cause - The test is negative for a blockage but they discover a heart abnormality that 1/500 people have - They say \"you're GP will explain what it means\". \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI think my concern has been justified and my heart is fucked, further increasing my anxiety. I finally meet with a doctor who explained it in a shit way and basically says we need more tests. The pain continues, my worry continues, I try to monitor my heart rate on my apple watch which further freaks me out.. At one point I'm so short of breath I got emergency room with my partner. Bloods come back normal, EKG normal. \n\nThe emergency room doctor was amazing and explained my cholesterol wouldn't cause the pain, the birth defect wouldn't cause pain and my bloods are fine - I feel like a retard. \n\nAfter hearing from the emergency room doctor that the things i have shouldn't cause pain and i shouldn't be worried i relaxed and the shortness of breath has been less frequent. \n\nBut I'm still getting the pain and random shortness of breath, sometimes they're not happening at the same time. \n\nIt just seems to strange to me that this is all due to \"stress\" or \"anxiety\". And now it's not going away? \n\n&#x200B;\n\nSorry for rambling but I'd love some insights from people about the topic \n\n&#x200B;\n\nTHANK YOU IN ADVANCE", "Yes. I'm not sure if it's loneliness or depression, but there are physical chest pains. It kind of feels like being heartbroken, and sometimes it can be intensely painful. I've been feeling this way lately as well. I was doing well for a couple of weeks, but It's back again. The moment I have to reflect on life, the pain comes right back. Sometimes it's hard to be distracted, but I think the best thing is to try and do or find something you enjoy. \n\nI watch controversial stuff for distraction. I also listen to a lot of music, and on occasion, try to play games or do some art-related stuff. I don't enjoy too many things, but there's usually a thing or two that I can use as a distraction for most days." ], "top_scores": [ 15.221368789672852, 14.106861114501953, 13.871099472045898, 13.676724433898926, 13.177451133728027 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the somatic experience of emotional distress, specifically the sensation of physical chest pain associated with sadness, heartbreak, or anxiety.", "pearson_r": 0.3652864500912568, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7045, "freq": 0.015397912070416448, "mean_pos": 3.0921754837036133, "max_act": 7.932878494262695, "log_density": -1.812538136528422, "top_texts": [ "I just finished my thesis defense. My committee said \"congratulations, you passed! We just want you to make a few revisions.\" The revisions include some formatting and adding a paragraph to better explain the variance in the data in one of my moderation models. Is this normal? I genuinely feel like a failure. \nEdit: thanks guys. I suffer from a mental health disorder characterized by extreme perfectionism and excessive conscientiousness. Those were definitely getting to me yesterday because anything less than perfection feels like abject failure. Plus, my advisor isn’t very good at focusing on the positive, which contributed to my anxiety. But i appreciate the reality checks! :) \nhttps://reddit.com/r/GradSchool/comments/1hdkbds/is_it_normal_to_get_a_conditional_pass_with/", "\"Where on the road to recovery?\" would be my first question.", "first of all:\nFOOD IS EXPENSIVE AF!!! the only way i can keep recovery up is by eating healthy home cooked meals every day, otherwise the temptation to count calories and restrict again can feel overwhelming. but holy smokes when you go from restriction food to fresh veggies all of a sudden...my wallet is a lot lighter than it used to be.\nI dont know what healthy portion sizes are and i cant trust my hunger. i dont want to gain weight too fast because j fear a HUGE relapse (not gaining at all would be ideal but we know how it goes...). But how much on my plate is a good amount? i still have a huge fear of overeating, its hard.\nAlso, most people don't realize that the ed isnt just there when you eat and goes away after. I struggle with thoughts of relapse on a daily basis and have to remind myself what i lost trough restriction and how miserable i was at my lowest. \nluckily i have a great support system in place, Best of luck and all the love in the world! you deserve to be happy!!", "Is anyone here a grad student? Or do you have a graduate degree? I just defended my thesis and received a conditional pass with revisions. They basically want me to do some formatting stuff, include a means table (i already have the data, I just have to put the table into the thesis), and add another paragraph bolstering an argument I made. These seem like minor revisions from what I'm reading, but I feel like a complete failure. My committee congratulated me on passing, but it's like I didn't even hear it. I know my OCPD is making me spiral and catastrophize this. I feel so horrible and stupid and embarrassed. I know my emotional reaction is probably not proportional to reality. Can anyone who's been through grad school give me some insight into this? Is this sort of pass normal? It feels wrong to even say I passed. I need support. \nhttps://reddit.com/r/OCPD/comments/1hdlltc/i_passed_my_thesis_defense_conditionally_with/", "i was on a road to recovery. I managed a whole month w/o feeling bad for eating, having three meals a day, even sharing 2 big pizzas with my bf on multiple occasions." ], "top_scores": [ 7.932878494262695, 6.897801876068115, 6.86123514175415, 6.8564300537109375, 6.514983654022217 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of navigating the process of recovery and academic achievement.", "pearson_r": 0.8052731304949239, "pred_f1": 0.8571428571428571 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8261, "freq": 0.009097732390201741, "mean_pos": 5.232777118682861, "max_act": 12.29947566986084, "log_density": -2.0410667943538066, "top_texts": [ "Concerta Issues &#x200B;\n\nHey there, I've been on Concerta 54mg for a month, two months total after going up from 18 to 36 to 54 pretty quickly. I felt some benefits and some real improved mood and focus in the mornings especially when I first took it. I've written about it a little here before. But ever since being on 54 it seems my depression and anxiety, which I already have, have been so through the roof when it wears off that it's totally outweighing any benefits the Concerta might have had before. I'm also not sure that perhaps the Concerta is making me focus more on my depression.\n\nI've seen people write before about being on too high a dose of a medication, has anyone gone back down to 36 or so and felt much better or is it just a sign that Concerta is wrong for you? I'm hesitant to add an anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medication to Concerta to offset these effects when I'm not positive Concerta is really working all that well so that would be a major last resort for me.\n\nMy doctor also seems hesitant to prescribe a further IR booster to beat the crash and I probably agree wit him, as stacking medication after just a couple of months seems rash. \n\nThanks in advance if anyone has any thoughts. ", "Concerta 54mg Recently got moved off matoride 54mg to concerta 54mg , even tho they are basically carbon copies of each other working the exact same way concerta seems to be way more uneven thru the day , for a few hours I will feel full effect then it will die then hit hard again, anyone have any experience with this?", "I need some help, just got bumped up to a larger dose I was on 18mg of concerta and was doing great but thought I could use some more. I was bumped up to 36 and hate it. I feel more irritable and fidgety and I feel more like when I wasn't medicated than when I was on 18mg. Is this normal for someone taking too much? Thanks everyone.", "I've been taking concerta and having really bad heartburn I was on the 36mg for about two years, recently I felt it wasn't working as well so I went to a higher dose, 54mg. In the morning, after I take it I start to feel nauseous and I have really bad heartburn. I'm not sure if it's because I was on the lower dose for so long that maybe I just got used to it, or if the higher dose is too strong. But I'm not sure what to do about it.", "Ritalin to Concerta - experiences/tips? Hiya all,\n\nSo I'm currently on 10mg ritalin a day, and not going to lie it doesn't seem like it really works, and even if it does it definitely doesn't work longer than 2-3 hours... at the same time it's been a life saver to use during exams (I'm a grad student) in that it just makes me calm and kinda clears my head of static, if that makes sense, and I can actually take a test to my decent ability. \n\nI'm considering switching to Concerta when I talk to my psych next week, because I've heard it's basically ritalin but lasts longer. I was wondering if anyone had switched from Ritalin to Concerta before and could just generally let me know what it was like I'd be super grateful thanks so much!\n\n" ], "top_scores": [ 12.29947566986084, 12.262974739074707, 11.694449424743652, 11.301591873168945, 10.958381652832031 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents experiences and side effects related to the use and dosage adjustment of Concerta (methylphenidate).", "pearson_r": 0.5809845556991718, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6465, "freq": 0.015625355380171492, "mean_pos": 3.0403568744659424, "max_act": 9.392082214355469, "log_density": -1.8061700685645656, "top_texts": [ "Just that she had heard about that and that \"normally there are signs,\" but I don't believe that because someone can hide their red flags for years.", "Longer answer because someone ask in my dms and i don't answer dms. i don't have supernatural powers, i can read red flags but it's not something i sense it's just reading the situation, and if i have nothing to mirror that's means one of two things, pd or autistic spectrum", "Is there a way to \"forecast\" a depressive episode and what can you do? For me at least, I don't have chronic depression but there have been periods of couple months where I feel very depressed and it distorts my view of the world and I become very negative, even though I am generally a somewhat optimistic person. So are there telltale signs that one may be entering a downward spiral, and are there ways to lessen the episode and not dig a deeper hole. Thank you.", "I see my T at her house, so I know where she lives LOL. Doesn't bother me at all.", "What triggers do you recognise to signify you may be slipping into depression? I know for myself if I’m not being proactive about sleep and doing anything possible to avoid (mindless internet searches) then I’m at risk and need to think about and manage myself. I’ll be fine I’ve done this before, but thought it would be good for others to recognise potential triggers to “catch” themselves and act (seek help potentially)" ], "top_scores": [ 9.392082214355469, 7.8868608474731445, 7.463151931762695, 6.595317363739014, 6.106044292449951 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive process of identifying, monitoring, and forecasting personal behavioral patterns or warning signs of mental health shifts.", "pearson_r": -0.031544014893825634, "pred_f1": 0.6086956521739131 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1631, "freq": 0.008233447813132577, "mean_pos": 5.764967918395996, "max_act": 20.471969604492188, "log_density": -2.084418210137583, "top_texts": [ "If you are interested in participating, you will be asked to complete an anonymous online survey that will take approximately 20 to 30 minutes, one time only. If you are interested in participating, please click on the following link: Or, if you would like further information, please message me. For your participation, you may choose to enter a raffle to win one of eight $25.00 gift cards.", "Hello lovely people! I'm looking for anyone who is interested in taking a 10 minute survey, with the chance to win a £100 (or equivalent) Amazon voucher. You need to be over 18, speak English as a first language, and be able to listen to some audio files and select matching pictures. I've been told it's fun to do! Anyone who enters will be really helping me as I try to progress my research into language and meaning.", "I'm looking for anyone who is interested in taking a 10 minute survey, with the chance to win a £100 (or equivalent) Amazon voucher. You need to be over 18, speak English as a first language, and be able to listen to some audio files and select matching pictures. I've been told it's fun to do! Anyone who enters will be really helping me as I try to progress my research into language and meaning. ", "The survey will only take about 5 to 10 minutes and all we ask is that you are at least 18 years old and only fill out the survey once! We are hoping to reach 1000 responses but the more the merrier, so please also spread it among your friends and family! Feel free to comment below if you have any questions and I’ll try my best to answer them. Here’s the link: Edit: I've already posted this to r/SampleSize, but if anyone else know a good sub to send this to, please let me know!", "__Target group__: _(PTSD sufferers, military vets)_ __Compensation__: _(raffle, payment)_ __Link__: _(how to access survey)_ __Background__: _(why are you doing this survey? Bachelor thesis, making a website)_" ], "top_scores": [ 20.471969604492188, 18.639799118041992, 18.627939224243164, 18.574913024902344, 17.905784606933594 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies requests for participation in academic or clinical research surveys.", "pearson_r": 0.46750493130398524, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 962, "freq": 0.015238701753587918, "mean_pos": 3.112962007522583, "max_act": 8.781044960021973, "log_density": -1.8170520022180634, "top_texts": [ "Yeah. I relate completely to you and the other comments here", "Erg herkenbaar dit. Heb van eind 2017 (19 j/o) tot eind 2020 ook in een vergelijkbare situatie gezeten.", "So yeah, thinking some of these things through is definitely something I am familiar with.", "that feeling really sucks, i can relate so much to you :/", "I totally understand how you feel. I've had the same experience and it sucks." ], "top_scores": [ 8.781044960021973, 7.1931471824646, 7.009606838226318, 6.977091312408447, 6.924909591674805 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of interpersonal validation and shared lived experience.", "pearson_r": 0.3075346380392736, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2342, "freq": 0.013555621261400596, "mean_pos": 3.4822449684143066, "max_act": 13.865106582641602, "log_density": -1.8678805416401325, "top_texts": [ "Thus, they are never going to be at fault, and since it’s gotta be *someone’s fault* it’s *yours*.", "Every bad thing is my fault I was always told every bad thing is my fault I believe it if anything bad happens I have to fix it because it is apparently my fault so I've given up I'm in the mind set of if you don't do anything nothing bad will happen because it's will always be my fault ", "Blaming Everything on Yourself I don't know about y'all but I have a really bad habit of blaming myself on literally everything. Like even when my friends have something bad happen to them I commonly consider it all my fault. I don't really wanna bring religion into but if there is something out there I just know that it truly hates who I am. I honestly just want to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else have these feelings? ", "Blaming Everything on Yourself I don't know about y'all but I have a really bad habit of blaming myself on literally everything. Like even when my friends have something bad happen to them I commonly consider it all my fault. I don't really wanna bring religion into but if there is something out there I just know that it truly hates who I am. I honestly just want to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else have these feelings? ", "This is an idea that my father also reinforced in me heavily. I remember vividly when I told him that everything was my fault (in my child mind obviously meaning \"you make everything my fault\" which was very much the state of things in the house growing up) and he straight up told me to stop fucking up so much if I didn't want things to be my fault (I should emphasize all \"fuck ups\" were minor- letting a pack of strawberries go to waste, forgetting to call him as soon as I left school, etc- but punished severely). Hell, even if I'm in the *wrong* now I feel like I'm still a victim. I can't gauge conflict to save the life of me- even if I'm being an absolute ass, I'll feel like I'm the one who's being persecuted. My last relationship was a while ago, and lasted about a year." ], "top_scores": [ 13.865106582641602, 11.611964225769043, 10.739185333251953, 10.725746154785156, 10.422707557678223 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive distortion of excessive self-blame and the internalization of responsibility for negative outcomes.", "pearson_r": 0.2550127509563297, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3023, "freq": 0.01398776354993518, "mean_pos": 3.359415054321289, "max_act": 10.236169815063477, "log_density": -1.8542516865947427, "top_texts": [ "My brother has late stage lung cancer He's Just dying nothing we can do. Why him? Why. Not me he's the one with a life and a gf not me he is the best person i know so why him? He looks thinner by the day and more sick", "Luckily for me, I do not have cancer. Neither does my mom, dad, grandpa, brother, sister, cousins, or anyone I know have it. Besides my grandmother, she’s 55 (or 56) and has Stage 3 lung cancer, she was diagnosed in 2016 I believe? I heard it was going good about a year ago but I haven’t heard anything since. I decided to head on over to cancer just to see other people’s point of views of things.", "I'm so sorry. I (25F) was in your situation last year. You're doing so well and I know these are some of the most meaningful moments of yours and your mom's life. Even if she can't communicate with you anymore, I know she can feel you near. At the end, all my mom wanted was for her family to be near her. She suffered near the end too, and I know that having us near her calmed her. Remember that you can't control her pain or the outcome of her cancer. What you \\*can\\* control is how you spend your remaining time with your mom. I know that this is unimaginably painful. But as much as you can, sit with the pain and the grief. The love is there too, and you'll cherish that love long after your mom passes. Sending so much love and strength to your heart. My DMs are open if you need more support. <3", "My mother has been sort of fighting cancer for the last eight years. First round was brest cancer, she was put on five year probation with regular checkups after they tought they had gotten rid of it. Turns out couple o years later it’s spread to the lymph nodes, they are surgically removed. Again we hoped we might have gotten clear of it, but again a few years later, about six months ago that they had found cancerous cells on her hip and in her liver. Dousins of tiny cancer nodes (or ehatever their name is in english) and she has done two more rounds of chemo, but her body just can’t take it anymore. There is no more responsible treatment left to be had. In the last week her eyes and skik have started to turn yellow, and she lies down most of the time with pain/confusion.", "Even when you are dying in front of them. My mum was told to stop making a fuss about her menopause symptoms and wasting her GP's time just days before she ended up in hospital being told her symptoms were Stage IV pancreatic cancer that would kill her within the week. You can be at death's door and halfway over the threshold and they'll still be dismissive if you're of menopausal age." ], "top_scores": [ 10.236169815063477, 10.010836601257324, 9.045639991760254, 8.973333358764648, 8.86368465423584 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of witnessing or coping with a loved one's terminal illness or cancer diagnosis.", "pearson_r": 0.12574399434400446, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2724, "freq": 0.015420656401391952, "mean_pos": 3.0282180309295654, "max_act": 5.931787014007568, "log_density": -1.811897111388103, "top_texts": [ "Have you picked up an addiction because of loneliness When lonely it oftentimes happens you develop habits like being a alcoholic, couch potato, fap and things you hate yourself for which makes you go spiralling down the guilt, shame, and hatred blackhole. Any advice on how to get out of this and how to approach someone with the same problems.", "At least I’m not an idiot. \nHave you ever considered a psychological exam? Sociopaths tend to try to inflict emotional distress on others just to feel something. I think it would be good for you and your lonely sad life.", "Aww, I'm sorry to hear that, friend. I don't think anyone likes sad quiet. I hope you can maybe get some friends to come over or have a pet to soothe your loneliness :'( <3", "I identify with your loneliness. I empathize with it and am sorry you experience that pain. You are taking positive steps by accepting feedback from others. ", "I think it's important to let her understand your pain and suffering, i'm assuming nobody ever did, and that makes you feel extremely lonely and not accepted. So if she wants to help you, she has to do that." ], "top_scores": [ 5.931787014007568, 5.792453765869141, 5.6978583335876465, 5.544278621673584, 5.542475700378418 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the explicit expression of loneliness and the interpersonal dynamics of empathy or social isolation.", "pearson_r": -0.1853693766000677, "pred_f1": 0.5217391304347826 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3862, "freq": 0.013237200627743535, "mean_pos": 3.523648977279663, "max_act": 10.622708320617676, "log_density": -1.8782038159598078, "top_texts": [ "Do you mean that eye contact is no problem for you, or do you mean 'what's the point of eye contact'?", "I try to make eye contact. It was once considered that you’re being dishonest / deceptive if you weren’t. Those are generally stressful situations which make it even harder for me to do it. People seem a little more understanding now.", "Not making proper eye contact is general introvert thing. It's important to make eye contact when you introduce yourself or meet up with someone. After that it's not as important to make eye contact for remainder of the conversation. It's super common but if you are avoiding making any eye contact then it throws red flags around.", "Yes!! \nI tend to just avoid eye-contact in general, but then I'll glance at something I didn't mean to. Sometimes I'll glance at a part of someone's face, and then they'll touch that spot, as if they're wondering if something was there, and that's why I was looking. It's so awkward.", "“Ok... Need to make sure that they see that I have made eye contact with them and then make sure not to look too long… or not long enough… am I looking too long? Crap! I think I looked too long! Double crap! I think I didn’t look long enough!!”" ], "top_scores": [ 10.622708320617676, 10.485424995422363, 10.23499584197998, 9.972661018371582, 9.705732345581055 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conscious struggle, social anxiety, and self-monitoring associated with maintaining eye contact.", "pearson_r": 0.30302667687448603, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4364, "freq": 0.014488138831396274, "mean_pos": 3.1928210258483887, "max_act": 8.066007614135742, "log_density": -1.8389873711071163, "top_texts": [ "I still check on my exes, like watching their facebook page or seeing if they are at the window if i pass near their houses. I wouldnt mind hearing from them but i'm just afraid of how would they react. They still exist.", "And then you and your ex's psyche creates a demon child that almost destroys the world/universe.", "I always feel like I'll be unhappy and alone while all my exes will be settled and happy with their respective partners. Is being alone that bad?", "Can you explain why. Like does it not just take some people longer to open up? Most of his exes had bpd, and i wonder if he is holding back due to that.", "I try to get on tinder to distract myself from the loneliness but... I just keep swiping left because none of them are my ex.\nAnd as much as I don’t want to admit it, I still don’t really want anyone besides him. It’s over, that bridge is burned. But it doesn’t change the feeling that he was the one. \nI hope it fades eventually. " ], "top_scores": [ 8.066007614135742, 7.725400924682617, 7.6295552253723145, 7.342849254608154, 7.192266941070557 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents rumination and emotional fixation on past romantic partners.", "pearson_r": 0.08446186949514158, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2344, "freq": 0.011622353128482726, "mean_pos": 3.952537775039673, "max_act": 12.007955551147461, "log_density": -1.9347058959164456, "top_texts": [ "I'm coming to terms with my regrets It's been over 14 years now since it first happened, and 6 years since it stopped. A childhood lost; and years past, and even darkness has faded, but is still sharp enough to cut deep into the burrows of my memories. Regrets tie me to my past and will do so for years to come, but I'm coming to terms despite my doubts. You can too, oh reader mine. And to the one I know will read this, regrets tie you too. But it is not eternal. I know you too will learn to set aside your doubts.", "Oh I know all about those regrets. Feels like a damned if I do damned if I don't type thing lol", "\"Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.\"", "I've lost so many people in my life and now that I'm realizing why I can't stop re-living the past. How do you deal with all of this regret? I don't understand people who say they have \"no regrets\" I really don't. And I don't know if I'm just in the bargaining stage of my grieving process but all of a sudden I'm having all these guilt/regretful thoughts about my ex like:\n\n\"He was ADHD, should I have researched it more? Maybe that contributed to it ending? I should have understood more.\" or \"I should have been more in the moment.\" or \"Maybe my increase in Wellbutrin made me irritable and that's why things got so bad.\" or \"Why did I put him through all of this.\"\n\nThe basic theme is: Fuck, I could have changed things and I didn't. Why do I suck? \n\nThe thoughts are taking over my day-to-day and (surprise) it's hard to be in the present moment and move on. I know you can't change the past but... do I really know that? \n\nOr did I just answer my own question because this is my chance to change things and all that? Am I blaming myself? Do I deserve a closure letter from him? Would that help me move on? I want to write everyone I know a letter offering an explanation but that probably wouldn't help. How the hell do I let go of all of this? ", "Again none of that was judgment, and if you go through with it I don't blame you. But when I've done that, it've regretted it" ], "top_scores": [ 12.007955551147461, 11.630596160888672, 10.819271087646484, 10.406352996826172, 10.32048225402832 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of persistent, ruminative regret and the struggle to reconcile with past life choices or traumatic events.", "pearson_r": 0.1143213374002501, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7042, "freq": 0.015420656401391952, "mean_pos": 2.974292516708374, "max_act": 6.749470233917236, "log_density": -1.811897111388103, "top_texts": [ "/uj literally why I forced myself to hold on through all of high school. I knew if I was underage my mother would fuck me over one last time in the great beyond", "Det var vigtigt at forstå fortiden for at finde ud af hvem jeg var, før jeg prøvede at ændre det.", "But as bad as it all was, it still gave me the time and opportunity I needed to work on myself and get myself to a point where I was healthy enough to study and finish my degree and now work full time.", "I have a master degree in engineering. It almost killed me getting through University, or more accurately I almost killed myself. I got extra time for exams and additional money so I didn't have to get a job and could focus on my education. ", "Sanot, että oot huumeiden käyttäjä niin c-paperit irtoaa ja syynä lukee x huumeen haitallinen käyttö." ], "top_scores": [ 6.749470233917236, 6.471624851226807, 6.423713684082031, 6.314206123352051, 6.1111063957214355 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures narratives regarding the intersection of academic or professional achievement and personal mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.44914454980431373, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3903, "freq": 0.01414697386676371, "mean_pos": 3.2393712997436523, "max_act": 10.597000122070312, "log_density": -1.8493364180287575, "top_texts": [ "Yes, but with boyfriends. As soon as we start living together, our home would be turned into a battlefield zone. All my exes have at the very least some scars or bruises from me, due to my constant habit of getting physical whenever something annoys me. They would piss me off one way or another and I would immediately resort to physical violence against them. Since I'm a woman, they couldn't fight back, however my current partner is much stronger than me, so I can't fight him with bare hands. I have however knocked him down by smashing a glass door on his face. He also has scars.\n\nI'm not proud of it, I just can't help it. And it's not like I grew up in a hostile environment either. Quite the contrary, as my parents have always been gentle to one another, yet I've been involving myself in fights ever since kindergarten.", "Typically speaking the person starting the fight is more likely to have ASPD", "I feel the same lmaoo. I love fights because they give me an adrenaline and dopamine rush because everything is so boring. However i differ because i stay cool and but on the inside my heart pounds. I like the feeling of it and i think arguments are funny. I always make jokes out of the situation to provoke and piss people off. I’m the opposite of you in that sense im nervous in conflict but on the outside i stay completely in control.", "I sometimes call it \"fight mode\". Extensive martial arts background has turned negative adrenalized states from inward, depressive vulnerability to external, physical reactivity. I describe it as feeling like I'm in a fight (physiologically) though I am sitting still or trying to sleep. Loss of fine motor skills, hypervigilance, scanning all surroundings and people as if they are about to hit me and I have to hit back. I could be stretching, but I feel like this \"fight\" response as opposed to my old \"flight\" or \"freeze\" response has effected even the emotional aspects of my attacks.", "We can't speak of self awareness when we don't see the problems we have in the first place, right?\n\nI don't seek fights for the sake of fighting anymore. I feel like... Almost functional now, like anyone else out there. And that's a good place to be in." ], "top_scores": [ 10.597000122070312, 8.400367736816406, 7.994022369384766, 7.7551469802856445, 7.364436149597168 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of physical aggression, combativeness, or the pursuit of conflict-driven adrenaline.", "pearson_r": 0.801229049969925, "pred_f1": 0.9 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8153, "freq": 0.010030249960197421, "mean_pos": 4.561357498168945, "max_act": 14.656851768493652, "log_density": -1.998688200652023, "top_texts": [ "Thanks for the reassurance. My LC was growth restricted and between 1-4th the entire time, ended up being born at 33 weeks so I am a little scarred from that as well.", "Had my 20w ultrasound today. I was terrified but everything is looking GOOD. I’m at high risk for growth restriction (based on my first pregnancy), and they are concerned about my placenta eventually growing into where my first incision was so I found out I will most likely have my c section at 37 weeks. Aside from the risks, my doctor said nothing was of concern. Now I can breathe easy for a little bit!", "Anterior placenta here, I went days at a time without feeling anything around 16-20 weeks. Even at 22 weeks my OB said it could be normal to feel nothing for a whole day. So anxiety inducing though…", "27+1. I’m feeling a lot of movement today and it’s starting to get kind of uncomfortable. I’m also very frightened about going into preterm\nlabor. I don’t know what Braxton hicks contractions actually feel like, or what any contractions feel like. With my LC I started going into preterm labor at 33 weeks but I never actually felt those contractions, the only reason I knew I was having them is because they showed up on the NST testing I was having. This is a high risk pregnancy due to that and I am just freaked out. When you’re having contractions, do they feel anything like baby movements or is it immediately obvious that’s what it is???", "TW: LC - 26 + 2 and everything hurts. Hips, back, sides, stomach, everything is just stretching. I am sooo uncomfortable. I’m also over analyzing movement and it’s so stressful. I’ve been feeling her this morning but I had a few “quiet” days recently and I was in constant worry. With my LC, she came early at 33w after I almost miscarried and I had felt her kicking a lot that entire night before. So while I’m glad to feel movement I have a hard time forgetting about that. Just a ball of nerves. It’s better than the early days were, but I just want this to be over and have her here." ], "top_scores": [ 14.656851768493652, 14.425743103027344, 14.165153503417969, 14.141096115112305, 13.991881370544434 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents pregnancy-related anxiety and health concerns regarding fetal development and preterm labor.", "pearson_r": 0.8468139420085352, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4249, "freq": 0.01414697386676371, "mean_pos": 3.2270843982696533, "max_act": 8.640044212341309, "log_density": -1.8493364180287575, "top_texts": [ "That’s been my experience too & I felt the same way", "I cannot say whether or not this is the case for me but... Yeah me too.", "I hope it's comforting to know that I feel the same way as you much of the time.", "I totally understand how you feel. I've had the same experience and it sucks.", "I feel the exact same way. Cool to know it’s normal" ], "top_scores": [ 8.640044212341309, 8.563337326049805, 8.488834381103516, 8.400260925292969, 8.192211151123047 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of shared experience and empathetic validation.", "pearson_r": 0.38495910026827934, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7840, "freq": 0.00862010143971615, "mean_pos": 5.269122123718262, "max_act": 16.64278221130371, "log_density": -2.064487573068663, "top_texts": [ "DBT is just about tricking you into believing your shitty life is good enough I don’t need DBT, I need a GIRLFRIEND NOW", "It all depends on your teacher / leader / whatever you wanna call the person who teaches the group. I did DBT as a teenager and now doing it as an adult. I assumed it would be just whiny people complaining about their life but actually found a wonderful support group. Our group is very structured. We do a mindfulness exercise, skill checkin, have a break, then get into our lesson then do observations. People talk about their lives but mainly pertaining to skill usage. You aren’t allowed to say any super triggering things or contact people outside of group. I’ve found it very helpful.", "How am I meant to make it to DBT in one piece? I've been making my rounds in the mental health system and have finally gotten a referral for DBT. However, the wait is so long to finally end up there. My family knows essentially nothing about my mental health (not an option), and I just can't imagine making it to DBT. It's already been months and it feels like I'm losing hope everyday, I FEEL myself getting worse and I don't know how to pull all of myself back together to last the next few months. How am I meant to survive this alone?", "You can buy the DBT workbook online and YouTube it as well.", "Question about DBT Is it worth it. I started doing yoga after waiting months to get into a DBT group. Once I found a favorite class, I got into the group... and of course it is at the same time as that class. It's a really tough decision for me to make, and I just don't have enough information. Yoga is something that's finally making me happy, and I'm having a hard time seeing how giving that up is a good idea... " ], "top_scores": [ 16.64278221130371, 14.316462516784668, 13.859196662902832, 13.612750053405762, 13.604903221130371 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the practical engagement with or evaluation of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) as a clinical intervention.", "pearson_r": 0.8285538868912232, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7971, "freq": 0.012509382036527395, "mean_pos": 3.6264028549194336, "max_act": 13.363932609558105, "log_density": -1.9027641092065866, "top_texts": [ "Trauma, neglect and/or abuse in early childhood. All personality disorders are linked to something happening to you in the years where personality is formed, which disturbs said formation.\nGenetics may be a factor, but so far it's not \"just\" genetics, environmental factors play a major role in how a person develops.", "I do like James Fallon's biography \"The Psychopath in me\" but it is from the perspective of someone who doesn't meet ASPD criteria but has the so called \"serial killer brain\". His book goes into how nature and nurture could create ASPD and how it in his case, nurture did not activate a personality disorder despite him having the genetics for it.\nHe discovered, that ASPD is something you aren't just born with - it's your environment that activates it.\n\nBut other than that... Idk any good books lol. It's like we need to write our own.", "TL;DR - there is no way to determine whether genetics or environments are the \"most relevant\" to personality disorder development, your environment consists of all of the forces that act upon you from without, and abusive/neglectful behaviour doesn't have to be intentional in order for it to be abusive/neglectful. I hope this explanation answers your question.", "We can only really chalk personality disorders up to a combination of genetic factors and environmental factors - your innate temperament will shape your responses to certain stimuli, and your environment provides those stimuli.", "I have never read that anywhere, it’s always a combination of genetics and bad early environment. In fact most personality disorder have a deficit of empathy and have low emotional intelligence. Can you link a source for that? I’m really curious where this information is coming from" ], "top_scores": [ 13.363932609558105, 13.07550048828125, 13.058734893798828, 13.015902519226074, 12.472609519958496 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the nature-versus-nurture debate regarding the etiology of personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.6111679280149399, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8111, "freq": 0.01535242340846544, "mean_pos": 2.901042938232422, "max_act": 6.91451358795166, "log_density": -1.813823032298972, "top_texts": [ "Yes but it can also makes things worse or let you crash into unbelievable psychosis.", "Morphing into a wolf could mean growing frustration or anger? Wolves are loyal creatures", "Trying to prevent a shame spiral over neglecting my gardening I was so high on gardening for years, and this year my interest is waning as my overwhelm is taking over from other stuff. Problem is I have a half plot in a community garden where there's an expectation that you keep it maintained. Then I developed a \"wall of awful\" around it. I haven't been there in over a month (no idea how long, really) and the property manager just emailed me about it being completely overgrown with weeds. \n\nI'm so glad I found this group where I feel like I can let out this secret failure without fearing harsh judgment for being irresponsible. \n\nGonna keep it together and figure out how to get help with this task.", "But it shouldn’t be rotten tho………you could always go to a doctor", "I'm in need of quick assistance to make a purchase at a store next door to my condo. I planned on splitting an items cost across two cards and paid $3.40 on one card and went to put the rest $1.60 on my other card which shows it has the balance and more available but is declining for some reason. I would appreciate it if someone sent me $1.60 via google wallet, as it should transfer over within minutes allowing me to make my purchase. And in return/or before, I will send you $1.60 via bitcoin. At the current rate bitcoin is going, that amount should continue to increase in value." ], "top_scores": [ 6.91451358795166, 6.600419998168945, 6.171067714691162, 5.753872871398926, 5.175257205963135 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of acute distress, confusion, or functional impairment related to immediate, real-world situational stressors.", "pearson_r": -0.17589053904084048, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2094, "freq": 0.00918870971410376, "mean_pos": 4.835004806518555, "max_act": 14.553595542907715, "log_density": -2.036745421043803, "top_texts": [ "Looking for advice about taking Zoloft Looking to see if anyone can share what it’s like to go on Zoloft. Side effects? Does it make you happy? Will I have to take it forever? ", "500mg Do you think 500mg it Zoloft will be enough to od? Nothing fatal obviously but just for fun?", "Dosage dependant, I have taken upwards of 500mg of MDMA crystals (Stupidly) on 150mg of Zoloft. All I noticed was some wakefulness enhancement and that was it, honestly 10mg isn't too big a dose but tbh I think it's a waste of MDMA, so I never rolled again after that as long as I was on Zoloft.", "I never tu on zoloft and didn’t feel n unless I missed a dose. Take it with food! It helps.", "Long story short I’ve been on Zoloft for the last eight years. For that entire time I got up to a dose of 150mg a day. Zoloft serves a purpose in my life that it curbs my impulses, it tranquilizes me in a sense, which is a little positive because I started taking them because I had a big problem with using amphetamines (street speed)." ], "top_scores": [ 14.553595542907715, 14.190345764160156, 14.149271965026855, 13.922147750854492, 13.709090232849121 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures discussions regarding the usage, dosage, and subjective effects of the antidepressant Zoloft.", "pearson_r": 0.2786906483234191, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 277, "freq": 0.013009757317988492, "mean_pos": 3.4103708267211914, "max_act": 11.419013977050781, "log_density": -1.8857307712430946, "top_texts": [ "Something I’ve noticed about Reddit Out of all the social media platforms I’ve used, I’ve noticed reddit contains the most negative bullies that are quick to jump on you for anything. I made a post on a separate account about something random and within a few minutes had multiple comments talking down to me like I’m stupid. I just don’t understand the negativity on here and how people think just because you hide behind a screen you can talk however you want to someone who is just trying to participate in the same subreddit they are. It’s triggering me honestly and I haven’t felt so down in a while. Has anyone else experienced this or am I too sensitive? I never expected to slip back into a funk over a few internet bullies. ", "Reddit is so mean. People on reddit have been horrible to me when I was real, and real to me when I've been horrible. People will tear you down so ferociously and objectively that I'm not sure it's actually worth the heartache. It's cruel.", "Something is really wrong with about half the people on Reddit. They just go searching for people they can try to make feel stupid. It’s so odd. Can not imagine how miserable a person would have to be. It’s sad really.", "I'm about to quit reddit Sick of being downvoted all the time. I don't even post that much but when I do i get downvoted. Not sure why as I never try to aggravate people and I'm always polite. It's really getting me down.", "People still hate me even on Reddit I haven't been able to make one post or comment about anything these last few months without people making random snarky/critical replies, and then I get completely downvoted while those other people are upvoted to look like they're in the right (still don't know what for...). These are just threads asking for advice or help too...\n\nI know it's Reddit, I know it's the internet. But these people are making the exact same snarky and critical comments that I get in everyday life. The same ones that make me crawl back into hiding every time I try to put myself out there. And then repeat, repeat...\n\nAt this point it's like I emanate this terrible/provoking aura whether I'm sitting next to someone on the train, or am oceans apart behind a computer screen." ], "top_scores": [ 11.419013977050781, 11.26924991607666, 9.973433494567871, 9.749049186706543, 9.222326278686523 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the perception of Reddit as a hostile, toxic, and exclusionary social environment that negatively impacts the user's emotional well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.2742901925294966, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4489, "freq": 0.011622353128482726, "mean_pos": 3.804657220840454, "max_act": 10.059710502624512, "log_density": -1.9347058959164456, "top_texts": [ "So I hope that at least I've given you some food for thought or some ideas possibly. But I wish you and your family strength and open communication. It's just a shitty decision to make no matter how you look at it.", "Communication matters. It's the killer of all SzPD and non-SzPD relationships.", "For me: Communication, honest but compassionate feedback, some awareness that communicate and perceive things differently", "Maybe for me, there has to be a purpose to communication in order for me to meaningfully participate.", "It all boils down to communication. If the two of you are 'meant' to be together, then effective communication is how that happens. Couples counseling may be a good idea if you two are serious about working it out." ], "top_scores": [ 10.059710502624512, 9.94631290435791, 9.730733871459961, 9.648056030273438, 9.647102355957031 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the role of interpersonal communication as a mechanism for relationship maintenance and conflict resolution.", "pearson_r": 0.6337478707154476, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8617, "freq": 0.012782314008233448, "mean_pos": 3.451833724975586, "max_act": 15.817787170410156, "log_density": -1.8933904838730682, "top_texts": [ "DSM-5 and DSM-V are the same thing since V is the Roman numeral for 5. I’ve seen both used in the literature.", "So obviously 5/9 criteria in the dsm that causes impairment in functioning, or personal distress, but what does “impairment” mean?", "ohhh, i see! sorry i'm only used to the DSM5. you're right!", "However, not all psychologists abide by that, and to my knowledge there is no such exclusion criteria present for the PDM-II or the ICD-10, which are commonly used alongside or in lieu of the DSM-V", "STPD because the US uses the DSM-V; it's just a classification difference between the DSM and ICD." ], "top_scores": [ 15.817787170410156, 14.918859481811523, 12.787745475769043, 12.144868850708008, 11.257546424865723 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding clinical diagnostic manuals and psychiatric classification systems.", "pearson_r": 0.7450932193585008, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7679, "freq": 0.014920281119930857, "mean_pos": 2.9525392055511475, "max_act": 8.48346996307373, "log_density": -1.82622296493501, "top_texts": [ "I also only recommend getting them removed to people who have major issues with them like i did, and like op is having.", "I would avoid it. At least until you have been stable for a couple of years with no or few minor symptoms. ", "I would not recommend seeking an exorcism. As I understand it, an exorcism can make you feel better for a short while through a form of catharsis, but since it doesn't actually address the true underlying problem, you might eventually need another exorcism later and another again until whatever causes the \"demon infestations\" is properly addressed. If it helps, you can view the demons as a symptom rather than the cause. As long as the door is still open to allow the demons in, getting rid of them is only a temporary fix. Does that make sense? Unfortunately, you'll have to figure out for yourself how to close that door. There are many ways to do it, but you have to find the one that works for you. A therapist can help you along the way for as long as it makes sense to you. But you're the only one who can truly fix your problem.", "I would definitely recommend it. It's how I received all of my diagnoses.", "Thanks for the advice! I agree with all of what you said. I don’t get the rush to apply straight out of undergrad. I’m doing 2 bachelor’s degrees in 3 years, I’m gonna burnout hard if I don’t take at least a gap year." ], "top_scores": [ 8.48346996307373, 7.325308799743652, 6.980591297149658, 6.354367733001709, 6.252192497253418 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the provision or solicitation of direct advice, recommendations, or guidance regarding mental health decisions and life choices.", "pearson_r": 0.6710371589444416, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7206, "freq": 0.010985511861168603, "mean_pos": 3.9903652667999268, "max_act": 12.483509063720703, "log_density": -1.9591796631334335, "top_texts": [ "i dont exactly know how i relapsed so i have suffered with depression since i was in the fourth grade and then i always relapse after i get better or happier. this time when i relapsed which was around the beginning of 2019 it was worse than its ever been and people like my therapist and parents keep trying to figure out how this happened again and the thing is i cant exactly figure out a main reason this terrible relapse happened i wish i did. i do know that its a bunch of things that has happened that is causing it but my brain wont work or think about what it all is. is this weird that i cant figure out how all this happened?", "I was clean for a month. A fucking month. The longest I've been clean since like June I think. I couldn't take it anymore and well around three days ago I relapsed. \nWhen I relapse, I relapse really hard though. I end up cutting like 3-4 times a day. Im almost out of room on my legs and am starting to have to go over scars at this point, and I hate the feeling. I don't do my arms anymore just cause it's a nuisance in a hot climate.", "A relapse after 154 days (5 months clean) I don't know what happened. No cravings the whole time. I was done. I was talking to someone about an overdose I had. A switch flipped and I was sticking a needle in my arm that night. Someone asked me today, \"Weren't you happier when you were clean?\" The truth is I wasn't. I had serious depression leading up to the relapse. \n\nI now realize life isn't about me being happy. It's me being clean so those around me don't have to suffer. It isn't fair for them. They deserve the sober me who doesn't lie and for whatever reason they want me to be around. After that many months they finally stopped asking me about how many days I was clean. They got comfortable, they thought I turned a corner. \n\nThe truth is, so did I. Too comfortable I guess. I'm not happy when I use either though. As I said, to me life is only about the first sentence of this second paragraph I wrote. I don't even want to be alive anymore, because i'm such a burden, but when I'm clean I don't want to be alive anymore either. The thoughts of suicide aren't even there anymore, but I just am. If that makes sense. I have no energy. I have nothing to give anymore.\n\nI just don't want those to suffer around me anymore because of me. My dad killed himself when I was 5. I don't want to hurt those around me like that, but sometimes when I relapse like this I think it would be the better way out. ", "Relapsed and struggling to forgive myself😔 After thinking I’d gotten through the worst part of my current phase of depression, I unexpectedly relapsed today, and in a pretty extreme way. I haven’t felt this bad and hopeless in probably over a year. Anybody have advice on how to be compassionate with myself after a relapse, and stop criticising myself for it? 😔", "I keep relapsing every 3-4 days or so now. Mostly cause it's a long cleanup and aftercare process. I mostly just relapse once my past ones don't need bandages anymore." ], "top_scores": [ 12.483509063720703, 12.291694641113281, 12.141056060791016, 12.025897979736328, 11.665244102478027 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of relapsing into self-harm or substance use after a period of abstinence.", "pearson_r": 0.4640342935909002, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2621, "freq": 0.011394909818727683, "mean_pos": 3.845794916152954, "max_act": 11.008585929870605, "log_density": -1.943289069438061, "top_texts": [ "There are many types of empathy and different theories but what they mean with psychopaths is they simply don’t give a fuck. They don’t care if they hurt you and will gladly do so if they can get what they want and then not care about it. \n\nThey are capable of understanding as they are not usually stupid or maybe they are who knows but most psychopaths are capable of understanding that if they steal your cat that it will hurt you but they just don’t give a shit. That’s it, they can twist their titties in bow ties if they want but that’s all lack of empathy means.", "Ok, first sociopathy does not exist, it was an attempt at renaming psychopathy to describe the destructive nature it has on society and has since been discarded, it’s not a clinical term and the Internet just basically makes it into whatever it wants. \n\nSecond psychopathy isn’t completely genetic, you can be born with the genetic disposition to develop psychopathy but environment plays a factor, the idea it’s all genes was never proven and is now views to be wrong. Lacking empathy and emotions is not psychopathy psychopathy is a very specific set of personality traits. I can tell where you are getting your information from I would suggest to read from only the leading researches on the disorder as there is more bad information and internet lore than there is truth out there.", "Not always, some are just mean nasty bastards. They might fuck with you just to show you they are boss or to have something over you. SOME of their behaviors are incidental but many are intentionally mean and cruel, I don’t know where the line for just mean nasty prick and sadistic begins so I’d agree they aren’t sadistic in the sense they all want to boil you just to hear you scream but Meanness is being recognized as a central component of psychopathy not so much indifference like I see assumed online", "I wouldn’t say that personally no, psychopaths are impulsive so they do engage in those things even when sober more so than other people. It obviously depends on the psychopath but overall they are not known for their self control quite the opposite actually\n\nPsychopaths also are well known for not learning from experience even ones that consistently have poor results for them, it could be because of the pre frontal cortex but they have a very hard time learning from experience as tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over again it’s one of the traits that has baffled psychopathy researchers from the beginning as it seems obvious to anyone logical person to stop doing these things but they seem incapable of seeing that", "They aren’t really defined as such so it depends on what definitions you want to choose from. Sociopathy was originally meant to replace psychopathy as the terminology to reflect the amount of damage those individuals do to society but then the ditched both and it’s all under the umbrella diagnosis of ASPD. \n\nTo muddy the waters even further there are high anxiety psychopaths and low anxiety psychopaths in some studies, is one a psychopath and one a sociopath? I dunno, neither does anyone else definitively to be honest. \n\nIn all honesty Anti-Social personality disorder covers everything that it is meant to accomplish, which is a disorder which acts against society, doesn’t follow rules, has a lack of moral compass (according to societal norms). So to answer your question their is no actual answer. You could essentially call someone with ASPD a psychopath or a sociopath or neither and technically be right. In my mind it’s splitting hairs, the way Hare describes it. All psychopaths are anti social but not everyone with Anti-Social personality is a psychopath. Worse still some see Psychopaths as a more extreme case of Narcissist. This is all make believe anyways I wouldn’t really worry about it" ], "top_scores": [ 11.008585929870605, 10.986260414123535, 10.3662691116333, 10.104459762573242, 10.01952838897705 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discourse regarding the clinical definitions, behavioral characteristics, and diagnostic terminology of psychopathy and sociopathy.", "pearson_r": 0.48908998714143315, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8445, "freq": 0.013350922282621056, "mean_pos": 3.2805724143981934, "max_act": 12.918086051940918, "log_density": -1.8744886996415422, "top_texts": [ "Listen, Listen if anyone wants to talk, about anything, hit me up! We can talk about whatever is making you sad, however you're feeling, we can talk about your hobbies or interesting or anything. Just know someone is out there who will listen to you", "Just lookin to listen really. So if you have a story or need to vent or need someone to give advice, I’ll be happy to listen.", "I make myself available I know its the most shitty thing to do but am putting myself out there. If you feel like ranting I will be there to listen. Its the least I can do. I am available anytime since I've got nothing to do I will listen.", "You can google more about empathetic listening and just keep it in mind next time someone’s talking. It just takes practice.", "ofc anytime, I'm happy to listen to anyone, don't be scared to :)" ], "top_scores": [ 12.918086051940918, 11.909838676452637, 10.593734741210938, 10.070074081420898, 9.68258285522461 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the offer of active, empathetic peer support and emotional availability.", "pearson_r": 0.24915935181947044, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1600, "freq": 0.010871790206291082, "mean_pos": 3.9926650524139404, "max_act": 15.741265296936035, "log_density": -1.9636988968592977, "top_texts": [ "If you would like to donate, please go to: My fundraising goal is high and I am struggling to reach it, so donations would be very much appreciated. You can also see what I have done so far to collect money if you click the link. Any donations are welcome, no matter how big or small. It would also be greatly appreciated if you could share this.", "I've hit a roadblock and I need your help. I created a Gofundme campaign just to try and get my foot in the door. You can check it out at and please, if you're not able to donate, please share it with anyone you know who might, or any groups you might be a member of who might help. I'm 30 years old now and have nothing to show for it, and I'd like to change that. Thank you all and good karma for everyone.", "My primary concern is to get her the surgery and treatment she needs to save her life. To that end, I've set up a fundraising campaign here: Every little bit helps! I know it's a long shot to reach the goal, but every dollar you can spare goes a long way to help, even if the goal isn't reached. I would be so grateful for any and all assistance, even if it's just to share this story/fundraising with your family and friends.", "Her GoFundMe is at: ​ Any shares you could do would mean the WORLD to her, and to me. Donations are good too, but shares are sooooo valuable! Thank you for any support, I really do appreciate it.", "Monetary campaign contributions would be grand, however that is not why I came to r/assistance hat in hand today. What I need is help getting the word out. I need you to share my campaign on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pintrest, Tumblr and whatever other social media outlet you may use. Because the only way I can be successful at what I'm doing is to spread the message as far and wide as possible. TL;DR: I'm broke and live in a camper so I started a GoFundMe campaign because I need help to properly start up my business and I need you to share my campaign with all of your social networks." ], "top_scores": [ 15.741265296936035, 15.732071876525879, 14.40817642211914, 13.950940132141113, 13.909149169921875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies requests for financial assistance and fundraising support.", "pearson_r": 0.5106350205506052, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4744, "freq": 0.01373757590920463, "mean_pos": 3.1523890495300293, "max_act": 10.488423347473145, "log_density": -1.862089863183581, "top_texts": [ "Der er en række gode og mindre gode råd på ", "You forgot to account for the calories of licking your metaphorical wounds!! I’d log at least +500 to be on the safe side.", "Oh yeah, I definitely got all the trash traits. I also have bunch of illnesses so", "Do what you want, but you are not even close to being better than him. To answer your question, yes it's bad. But I'm sure you won't listen", "A lot of these \"strengths\" are considered bad to the public as a whole but I still feel they are strengths." ], "top_scores": [ 10.488423347473145, 6.852139949798584, 6.799463272094727, 6.756080150604248, 6.563498020172119 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures expressions of self-deprecating humor, cynical judgment, or defensive rationalization regarding personal flaws and behaviors.", "pearson_r": -0.42399915200254396, "pred_f1": 0.38095238095238093 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8658, "freq": 0.014055996542861693, "mean_pos": 3.0757594108581543, "max_act": 7.301321506500244, "log_density": -1.8521383274320629, "top_texts": [ "That's not really a narrative I considered. I just think being emotionally vulnerable opens you up to all kinds of people. Some of those people might try to take advantage of you, and if your inner support isn't strong enough you might not be able to recognize the issue or deal with it very well.", "And even if one of them did try to do that and open up about issues, what happens then, it gets to Kody and then she causes it all to fall apart anyways.", "Do talk to them about it though. If you don't it will fester inside of you. But focus on your feelings and don't lash out at them or the church, that will make them defensive and then they stop listening to you pouring your heart out.", "yeah, i totally get that. i guess what i think to myself is, \"so what?\" maybe they will judge me, and think terrible things about me. and that will hurt and will suck. and it's also totally possible that they might embrace me. i know that i have the strength to handle either response. if you're vulnerable, and someone is an asshole, maybe you'll lose a friend or go through a rough patch with one, but you'll also have accomplished your goal/priority of being vulnerable. think about the function of being emotionally vulnerable with someone. is it to ensure that they feel a certain way about you, or is it to have a more fulfilling relationship?", "well you'd still be faced with abuse of power at the disciplinary hearing. It's a catch 22 situation and so it's best to just to gtfo :)" ], "top_scores": [ 7.301321506500244, 6.501711845397949, 6.340368270874023, 6.277487754821777, 5.798442840576172 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the strategic navigation of interpersonal vulnerability and the assessment of social risk.", "pearson_r": 0.08532145338985628, "pred_f1": 0.6428571428571429 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1149, "freq": 0.015011258443832875, "mean_pos": 2.8739569187164307, "max_act": 8.5457763671875, "log_density": -1.8235828689452116, "top_texts": [ "I’d say this better fits psychology, but yes, you typically should aim to replace a bad habit with a more constructive one, rather than just eliminate a bad habit and have nothing take its place.", "I think the national abuse hotline puts it nicely, \"abuse isn't a defect in psychology, but a defect in values systems\" I feel like abuse can lead to both those things, but they're separate constructs entirely", "It’s a shitty disorder with a lot of shitty behavior as it’s core features. No I don’t think it’s going to be de stigmatized anytime soon nor do I think it should be. What we should be more focused on is correcting the shitty behavior but I’m not surprised to see cluster bees take a victim role and play innocent while blaming everyone else but themselves for it.", "I just feel like there isn’t one that’s just as strong as binging. Like I know that it’s because it’s a disorder and nothing will be that strong right out the gate, but I mean I feel like nothing even comes a little bit close.", "Honestly I feel like a name change is the only real way to get away from it at this point. Which sucks cause I think the name is kinda cool LOL Maybe something like unstable self esteem disorder if we're going the same route as eupd" ], "top_scores": [ 8.5457763671875, 6.854005813598633, 6.038774013519287, 5.806110382080078, 5.771440029144287 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents discourse regarding the classification, diagnostic labeling, and behavioral management of personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.4497269974149018, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6084, "freq": 0.012714081015306935, "mean_pos": 3.3670194149017334, "max_act": 9.823135375976562, "log_density": -1.895714991373365, "top_texts": [ "On the other hand I don't *feel* stressed, so it always ends with my body screaming at me with different physical symptoms to let me know we really are stressed.", "Procrastination is physically taking over my body. Up until recently, procrastination for me only involved focusing more on distractions, like music, memes, news, etc.\n\nBut nowadays, when I make the first step in doing something productive, every bad thing kicks in. I suddenly feel freezing, I start to sneeze, my head starts to spin. My eyes feel like they're full of mess and dust, which makes it impossible to look at anything. And I feel generally weak and wobbly.\n\nMy body basically tells me to go to sleep, although it's afternoon. And it happens no matter how long do I sleep the previous night. It's difficult to challenge mind and distractions, but when the rest of the body plays against me as well, it's simply... frustrating.\n\nAnyone else with this problem?", "Yes, emotions are felt through my body. Anger - warmth from my chest to the face. Stress - muscles gripping my stomach. Sadness - heavy object clings to my intestines. I always felt everything physical. If I suddenly need to stand up and walk away - it's probably annoyance. \n\nThere is one emotion and I can't name but I know how it feels, how it makes me want to scream, hide and bash my head on the wall. I don't even know if it's something positive or negative.", "My body would just be like \"oh, so we are doing that now? Okay....\"", "I mean usually you can kinda feel it coming lol your body sends you signals" ], "top_scores": [ 9.823135375976562, 8.81503963470459, 8.611367225646973, 8.032817840576172, 7.98508882522583 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the somatic experience of emotions and psychological distress.", "pearson_r": 0.36070830015247524, "pred_f1": 0.6086956521739131 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7266, "freq": 0.0141014852048127, "mean_pos": 3.0283141136169434, "max_act": 7.035064697265625, "log_density": -1.8507351131222942, "top_texts": [ "Yep, I was in a discord for it and there was so much drama. Not only emet stuff, but asking for money, warring with other emet discords, threats of self injury, sending explicit chats and photos in a group with children in it. Never again", "Omg I truely wish this was a thing. I understand not everyone gets along. But this was beyond the pale of evil ways to hurt me.", "That's not just harassment, it's sexual assault because it is unconsensual, sexual touching. I'm sorry, friend, I hope you can heal from your experience and I want you to know that you're not alone 💌", "I'm not glorifying it, I never said it wasn't a bad thing. I'm saying it's not a bad thing for me to do in my head. This is just rude.", "It was just a very blunt challenge on how I handled a situation. It wasn't anything unethical. It was along the lines of me excitedly telling her something that had happened and how I approached it (I was actually proud of how I handled the situation) and she kind of shot me down by saying, \"And you thought that was a good idea did you?\" Or at least, that's what I thought she said." ], "top_scores": [ 7.035064697265625, 5.9653000831604, 5.926150798797607, 5.9116644859313965, 5.897726535797119 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of interpersonal conflict, social boundary violations, and external criticism.", "pearson_r": 0.5417975712160368, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6466, "freq": 0.013874041895057657, "mean_pos": 3.0558269023895264, "max_act": 6.414539813995361, "log_density": -1.8577969671048993, "top_texts": [ "Fun fact: helped me out a bit a few years ago through Twitter. You can check his tweets with/about me around July/Aug of 2014. (I deleted my Twitter account since, but just signed up again.) paid for a month of weekly, remote sessions with a popular, West Coast therapist. That brilliant therapist is the only one I've ever clicked with, before or since.", "God, I think I’m doing so much better & then I sign up for a sugar daddy website only several hours later I’m questioning myself is that something someone does for fun?? Or does it indicate underlying unresolved problems hmmmmmm", "I am doing traditional psychotherapy and know *nothing* about my T. She never, ever self-discloses anything. BUT I feel incredibly connected to her and have a warm regard for her after a long time of feeling detached and impersonal about our relationship. She is now an important part of my life, even though we don't have a \"personal\" relationship at all.", "yep i feel that. most people feel rewarded by connection in relationships. but i cant connect and therefore dont feel rewarded by relationships.", "Not one I disclose on this account. But I appreciate you asking." ], "top_scores": [ 6.414539813995361, 6.142561435699463, 5.824620246887207, 5.753519058227539, 5.653438091278076 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the dynamics, boundaries, and personal nature of the therapeutic or interpersonal connection.", "pearson_r": 0.0818447591071135, "pred_f1": 0.64 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1924, "freq": 0.012668592353355925, "mean_pos": 3.3436572551727295, "max_act": 9.747452735900879, "log_density": -1.8972716039634077, "top_texts": [ "Yes, I am early. *Very* early. \"Spends an hour in the coffee shop round the corner from the appointment\" early. Because the alternative is that if I aim to be early by a normal amount, like 5-10 minutes, I *will* be 15-30 minutes late. And it took me *years* to train myself into this excessive earliness, and it has never become habit, it's a battle every single time.", "Today I was on time for my psychiatrist appt for the very first time! I am chronically late. This morning I had an appointment with my psych to get paperwork in order to file an academic appeal at my college. I set my alarm, BFs alarm and an alarm clock in the living room, actually woke up with plenty of time to get ready, even made a cup of tea and left on time! Bonus points, I had brought all the forms i needed and brought along a list of specifics for writing letters and filling out said forms. I pull up to see no cars in the parking lot. \n\nGuess whose appointment was for 8PM not 8AM. The office doesn’t even open until 9 and i’ve been coming here for almost a year now. You win some you lose some. \n\nHappy Thursday guys!", "Showed up early and ON TIME for my first day of class today! And... class starts Thursday! Nice...", "Cant ever leave on time!! Advice Please! I started a new job and have a long commute. I give myself 20-30 extra minutes, so that way even when I leave late I'm still getting to work on time. But like this morning I was so frustrated that I work up at 5:45 and still wasn't able to get myself out the door at 7 (left at 7:13). I took a shower and packed my lunch the night before. Spent 20 minutes looking for my shoes this morning, other than that idk what takes so long!? How do you stay organized when trying to get ready for the day? ", "I have an assignment due tomorrow at 10am, so I cleaned my entire apartment today instead! I made sure to take an Adderall this morning too... oops 🤷🏼‍♀️\n\nThere’s still time, but just as I was finishing up my sweeping, my Ulta package came a day early 😊" ], "top_scores": [ 9.747452735900879, 9.475362777709961, 9.099995613098145, 8.623481750488281, 8.584762573242188 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents executive dysfunction related to time management, punctuality, and task initiation.", "pearson_r": 0.45372125540039226, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6119, "freq": 0.009325175699956785, "mean_pos": 4.496199607849121, "max_act": 14.302806854248047, "log_density": -2.0303429301263396, "top_texts": [ "ADHD in Military Special Operations This is a very specific scenario, but I am currently in the military in a special operations unit and seeking help for my ADHD. In general, people in the military can easily get on psychostimulants such as Adderal, but when I went to behavioral health, I was told that It was not allowed under my units policy to take any psychostimulants because there is a concern that if we get blown out on a sudden deployment I may not be able to stay on meds and have withdrawal symptoms. \n\nI have already tried meditation and dietary restrictions, but nothing is really helping.\n\nI am planning on leaving the military after my contract is up, but I want to get back in the reserves during/after college in the reserves. with all that said I have two questions:\n\nWhat can I do in the meantime to help mitigate symptoms?\n\nIs there any way for me to get on Adderall or something like it during college that will not end up on my medical records next time I go to MEPS to get back in?", "Really depends on your mos. I know two operators on Carson with it. If you are a low level soldier then you could be kicked out. Just go to a civilian if you need therapy and don’t tell your command. You have tricare so use it", "Yes. I served, got diagnosed at the military and stayed there few years after getting diagnosed, honourably discharge in the beginning of 2020, at the beginning I was a shit show but after i got to a commender who I respected and view fondly to this day I did really well. I wasn’t a fighter and wasn’t allowed to have a weapon because if I will be honest they didn’t trust me with a weapon, I was a medic", "People who've gone off their meds in order to join the military, how is it working out? So I've been diagnosed and medicated since I was like, six, and I've had a desire to serve in some capacity since I can remember. I'm in college now and once I graduate I plan on quitting vyvanse for the year required so I can enlist in the National Guard (I'm also looking at going to OCS, so if anyone is/was an officer, I'd love to hear how that is). \n\nI've gone off for prolonged periods before, but obviously this would be permanent (or at least until I left) and I'm kinda nervous since the time I plan to do this is fast approaching. So, I figured I would reach out here and get some advice/experiences from people in similar situations.\n\nTL;DR: I'm gonna go off my meds so I can join the military without having to lie about it, looking to hear from people who did that and about how it worked out for them", "Yes, but being at the army helps you to learn how to get a f@cking “no” for answer, so now I’m just raging inside, controlling it somehow" ], "top_scores": [ 14.302806854248047, 13.906984329223633, 13.773762702941895, 13.420723915100098, 12.677650451660156 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the intersection of mental health management and military service requirements or culture.", "pearson_r": 0.7049043739155972, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4290, "freq": 0.008551868446789637, "mean_pos": 4.850097179412842, "max_act": 17.656574249267578, "log_density": -2.0679389377070936, "top_texts": [ "Got 90% of my teeth pulled today i have such low self esteem from having bad teeth and today they got removed. do you think it will get better when i get parallels or will it look just as bad as decayed teeth?", "I'm going through dental atrophy as I'm autistic and brushing, flossing, or using a waterpik cause me tremendous sensory issues. I've had teeth falling apart and needing extracted for a decade now, and all I have left are decaying incisors and canines and a few pitted and cracked premolars. All my molars and wisdom teeth have been extracted in the last two years and I have been begging for full extractions dentures from the past three dentists I've had in the last five years.", "I’m getting one of my teeth pulled tomorrow you know that god awful thing depression does to you that makes you so unable to function that you don’t carry out basic hygiene procedures? I would brush my teeth every once in a while– basically when I remembered. \n\nOne of my molars is now literally hollow and has to be removed, and the rest need fillings before they get this bad. I’m now having to pay a ton of money for all of these dental work while also losing one of my permanent teeth. \n\nPlease brush your teeth at the very least. I know it’s hard, but it’s so important.", "Being a poor child ruined my teeth and possibly my life. To begin with, I wanna apologize if my english is not the best, english is not my native tongue.\n\nHi there, my name is Vlad, i'm 19 years old and my mistakes, added with the fact that me my parents are poor, might ruin my life and my self esteem forever.\n\nSince i was a small kid, I always had problems with my teeth, they are crowded and the top front teeth are bit crooked, like not extremely, but noticeable. I come from Romania, an ex-comunist european country that is still trying to develop and is renewed for having the worst medical system in the European Union, some of the biggest rates of povertyness and also lowest wages in the EU. The thing is, that in my childhood and early teenages, I didn't pay that much attention to my teeth. I ate a lot of sweets and sugar, and also, untill when I was about 12 years old, I didn't regulary brushed my teeth(my parents lived, and they still live from paycheck to paycheck) and didn't always afford to buy me a toothpaste for several days or weeks, depending on when the money from their wage was ove. And even afther then, while I brushed them more, I didn't use floss or mouthwash, and now I can see the effects of those days on my teeth.\n\nThis summer I started studying software engineering at a good public college in my country(somehow made it out here afther hard work and succeded to get a state funded scolarahip here). While the university has a dedicated dentist, it can only do fillings for free, the rest of the work needs to be paid, but the problem is that a lot of my teeth were so damaged that the needed to be extracted and right now, i have 4 extracted teeth, another 3 that need extraction, but didn't get them out so far, my top front teeth are crooked and chipped because they needed large fillings in them, and even though in the last few months I tried to take more care of them, right now, manny of my teeth are unable to be recovered. \n\nRight now my parents can't afford to repair my teeth, they are working hard right now to keep me at this college, the city is expensive for us, my mother is not working because she needs to take care of my sister( she is 6 years old and we don't have anybody else to take care of her), so we are 4 people living from one wage of about 450€ plus my scholarship that barely allow me to pay the rent and buy some food. I would like to work part time to make some money, but computer engineering is a very hard degree, so that will probably make me unable to concentrate on college, make me lose my scolarahip, and probably ruin my only chance to succeed in life. But I would really like some veneers or dental implants, but the problem is that they are expensive for us, each dental implant cost over 400€, and the veneers cost about 350€ for each tooth, while the average monthly net wage in Romania is less than 500€. \n\nRight now i'm in a bad mental state, I made some friends here at the college, and while they didn't say to me anything about my teeth, they are in my head everyday, making me thinking about what they might think about my teeth. I don't smile with my teeth out, when I talk I try not to show them , and, sometimes, when I try to talk to my friends, they don't understand what I try to say because of this. Beside this, I also have problems chewing food because of my missing teeth, I have problems biting because of my crooked front teeth with fillings, and i'm afraid to aproach any girl because i'm self aware of my teeth and I'm afraid that they will reject me when they see my teeth. While my future job domain is (hopefully) well paid, the worst thing right now is that I can't really do anything for the next 4 years to improve my teeth. It might not really be a depression, but i'm really sick of this, and I would really like to have normal teeth so I could have really normal life that doesn't imply being self aware and ashamed all the time about my teeth, a life where I won't get rejectes from the girls I try to approach saying that I don't take care of my appearence and my teeth and also say to me that i'm poor. I don't know what to do, i'm really sick of this thing, and I really needed to write this long post to get everything out of my chest. Any advice is welcome.", "I truly am a weak soul. you might want to read it if you need a chuckle I have a bad habit of biting my jaw really hard when I feel like sh\\*\\* which led to a chipped molar.\n\nWent to the dentist found out it was nothing just got it smoothen out which made me feel great doctor says i need to get my wisdom teeth extracted to protect the teeth frome breaking even more usually I refuse the offer since my wisdom teeth are perfectly lined I don't know what the heck went through my mind but I made an appointment the next day to get one extracted.\n\nGot one pulled out to realize how much I used my wisdom teeth when I eat of just rest my jaw.\n\nnow i feel like shit \n\nhad to burst it out somewhere \n\nsorry for the bad english" ], "top_scores": [ 17.656574249267578, 17.01832389831543, 16.781230926513672, 16.677289962768555, 16.61862564086914 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the intersection of poor dental health, physical neglect, and the resulting impact on self-esteem and mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.44162679573191066, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7672, "freq": 0.011895285100188778, "mean_pos": 3.476881742477417, "max_act": 10.305746078491211, "log_density": -1.924625108041257, "top_texts": [ "He wouldn't take me to the hospital but I could feel the gaping wound in the back of my head and the hole in my lip my tooth had done. He kept packing. So I called the police. I couldn't see out of my left eye and clearly couldn't drive and felt I had no other option. The police department chose not to press charges.", "She hangs up; told me she was going to; but she leaves. That was a bit frightening. But I guess at that stage the police were already here, because the abuse from him starts. “Oh you actually called the fucking cops did you?” “Why would you call the fucking cops?” “I can’t believe you’d call the fucking cops”. Three days later, I’ve just checked the phone.", "When the cops showed up I just said I was fine and they believed me. I'm just usually stable by the time anyone shows up and im good at lying so they don't take me 😭", "Don’t worry there are 3 police cases “in process.” But it is very sad how hard you have to fight to get REAL advocacy from the police for domestic violence, even with all the evidence in the world and they just drag their feet. I mean the violent incident with the gun happened almost a year ago! Where is the JUSTICE in this system of ours?! I hope to find some soon, starting with Wednesday. But I’m JUST SO SCARED to have to see him again!", "Thanks. Edit 1 - Fuel Receipt As Requested. Sorry for the long responses, I went to spend the night at a friends because it got really cold here! The Police said they don't give out a copy of the report but they gave me an incident number that can be used to verify the report was filed." ], "top_scores": [ 10.305746078491211, 9.940760612487793, 9.283927917480469, 8.811494827270508, 8.688509941101074 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents experiences of seeking or interacting with law enforcement in the context of domestic violence or physical abuse.", "pearson_r": 0.692845256315859, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6248, "freq": 0.013123478972866013, "mean_pos": 3.1451079845428467, "max_act": 9.590270042419434, "log_density": -1.8819509871696614, "top_texts": [ "The routes of crushing on a girl: 1. You look at a girl imagine her being with you see her do something like open a door for someone and you have a crush with her instantly. \n2. This proceeds for weeks until you finally talk to her but not because you approached her because something happens like having to take her to the office and you become friends. \n3. You open the door for her and are nice to her and think you have a chance of being with her. \n4. Get her number and contacts and then remember how hard it is to ask out a girl \n5. You see her with her friends and another guy and realize she’s completely out of your league and stop being friends and move on. \n6. Die.", "Still in love with my first crush Currently in a very depressed mood (just had my crash in emotion).\n\nAnyway, basically I still like 'love' my first crush. The weird part about this is that I first met her when I was 9 and I haven't seen her in 4 years or something and I am still hoping that we will end up together. Also, I just want to mention that I've liked other girls, but my feelings for my first crush has always taken over and come back up. \n\nI know this is really weird and I am aware I sound like the biggest loser, but the thing I want to know is that if this is 'normal' with depression or if you ever felt close to this.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI had another throwaway account but my email got hacked and that's why it's my first post. I am probably going to delete this afterwards because I sound like such a fucking loser", "Dunno if it was the result of HPD or just me being stubborn and uneducated. But the HPD in me got a histrio high on being “cancelled,” then the crash after it blew over & I was blocked by nearly everyone was my lowest low.", "Oh yea i love doing that too. Trap people who think i don't have any BPD and then bam... I crashed... Love it", "What helps an Adderall Crash? Hey, a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with ADHD. My doctor said she should’ve made the diagnosis earlier since she’s been treating me since I was a kid. I was prescribed Adderall and this week was my first week on it. The positives were very apparent and all my work was done on time and done to the best of my extent. But now I’m dealing with what I assume is my first crash since I’m feeling the opposite of how I felt while on the medicine. It’s kind of hard to deal with and I’d like to know any tips people have for working through it and not letting it ruin my weekend all too much. Thanks for any of the help in advance." ], "top_scores": [ 9.590270042419434, 8.35931396484375, 7.580833911895752, 7.3581695556640625, 6.940790176391602 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of an emotional or physiological \"crash\" following intense psychological states, social interactions, or stimulant use.", "pearson_r": 0.251883575286151, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6581, "freq": 0.013191711965792526, "mean_pos": 3.1273937225341797, "max_act": 8.631771087646484, "log_density": -1.8796988069336258, "top_texts": [ "Usually I'm really depressed but right now I just feel STUCK Idk if this is the place to put this post but I just can't figure out where to type this message. Today all day long I've wanted to get up and do something but I just can't figure out what it is that I want to get up and do. It feels like I'm halfway through a door but somebody is blocking me from entering the other side I don't know how else to explain it. Like I'm reaching for something I'm too short to grab and it feels so annoying! And the worst part is I can't even begin to think about what I could do to feel unstuck that's just how stuck I feel right now. I feel so stuck that nothing imaginable could free me. I wanna DO something, honestly with somebody else but I don't have any friends or family so I'm stuck. My parent's don't let me go out and do anything either because they still think I'm a child to them. Ughhhhhh I just wanna scream because I feel so pent up. \n\nI'm really scared of NOT doing anything either which makes this situation all the more worse. I got lucky this week and was given 3 days off from my job so I was really hoping I'd really get to relax and enjoy my time off but now I feel like I'm running out of time and still haven't \"relaxed\". It feels like I'm running out of time while also being stuck at the same time. It's like being stuck while being stuck on top of being stuck. FUCK I CAN'T DESCRIBE THIS FEELING WHAT IS IT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.", "Trapped. Do you ever feel trapped? Trapped, not in the way of being in stuck in one place but trapped in the sense of being stuck In the same routine. Every single day feels like the same shit, nothing changes, nothing new in my life. I don't know why I'm living to be honest. Life is shit.", "I feel stuck I feel stuck in a system of conformity for life and daily task. I have some idea of what I want to do with my life but am too afraid to take the step and do what I need to/ want.", "Trapped Feels like I am trapped can't share my feelings with anyone best friend got her own family shit going on... Don't really have any other friends with whom I can talk to... Parents won't understand... Cousins are all snakes... Man, it feels like quitting everything forever.", "Trapped Hi. I’ve been dealing with a problem for a while and it’s actually really starting to get to me... I don’t feel like myself anymore, like I’m trying to be somebody that everyone else wants and it’s not me.. I just wanna give up most of the time and close everyone else out. Any advice?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.631771087646484, 8.497176170349121, 8.330957412719727, 7.9101243019104, 7.892125606536865 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is a pervasive, existential sense of being trapped or stuck in one's life circumstances and emotional state.", "pearson_r": 0.4514144863878443, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2568, "freq": 0.007551117883867446, "mean_pos": 5.352476596832275, "max_act": 12.344334602355957, "log_density": -2.1219886922003655, "top_texts": [ "Issues with concerta? So I was prescribed Concerta 36mg by my psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADD.\n\nI took it today at work for the first time, and well, I did not expect the results. I feel kind of weird, I think I might have a bit quicker heart rate than usually (about 84 bpm and I also sweat a little bit (which is kind of weird since I have rather non-stressful desk job).\n\n&#x200B;\n\nIs it normal? Or does it mean that Concerta is simply not for me? I think it might partially be caused by drinking red tea as well (pu-erh, I drink it everyday at work, helps me focus a little bit, although neither coffee nor any other kinds of energy drinks used to work on me too much). I'll stop that and switch to more relaxing teas, but still. I'm a bit worried. Is it normal?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI know I should and will consult my doctor, who unfortunately is now on vacation, so for now I would like to hear a bit about your experiences. Thanks!", "Concerta not working anymore? Maybe it’s quarantining alone, the rising depression, or burnout from work... but I literally don’t feel like Concerta is working for me anymore.\n\nI’m one week shy of when I first received the medication. Initially, I could feel it kick-in and wear off. I was more productive and focused. My emotions were more stable. Maybe that was all in my mind. For the last week I’ve felt no help with my symptoms, like I’m back to my old self.\n\nAnyone else experience this?", "Is switching meds worth it or should I put up with the side effects? I’ve been taking Concerta since I was 11, I’m 17 and I’m on 72mg. I have a lot of side effects like: increased anxiety, depressive episodes, nausea, really cold hands/feet, irritability, and sweating. It does help me pay attention sometimes and helps me to better express myself/communicate with others. I want to switch meds bc when they wear off (around the time i get home from school) I can’t focus on hw/studying and the side effects, like the depressive episodes, are really hard to deal w. But I’m just a little scared and don’t know if it will help me in the long run. \n\nSo basically what I’m asking for is your experience w switching meds (it doesn’t have to be from Concerta) or/and advice on what I should do...", "Concerta not working i’ve been on concerta for the past few days, it’s made me sluggish, tired, constantly hungry , the opposite of what it’s supposed to do i don’t feel more focused or anything at all my dr is going to call in about 3 weeks to check on how it’s going my question is when switching meds do you ask for a certain one or do just go with what they say, if you do ask for a certain medication for ADHD how do you go about doing so?", "Concerta crashes? So I've been on Concerta since early 2016 (started off with various doses of Ritalin in 2015, working my way up from 10mg, eventually switching to Concerta 36mg), and have been on 72mg (highest dose) for about two years now. I haven't really had any issues, but about a year ago, my psychiatrist had me stop taking it on the weekends to help prevent me from pleating. \n\nOn Friday and today, I've started to feel strange. Googling it, I *think* it's some sort of Concerta crash? I basically get panicky, and I can't concentrate on anything, and my brain is all over the place. Physically, I feel antsy. \n\nI'm frekaing out because I genuinely don't know what's going on (my next psychiatrist appointment is on March 4th), and afraid I'll have to try some new medication. I'm really sensitive to medication in general (I'm that person who always gets the rarest side effects), so it's a blessing Concerta works on me. The fact I'm starting to have issues now all of a sudden when I need to focus on work more than ever, is scaring me.\n\nHas anyone else experienced a similar thing before? I bought some amino acid supplements to try and help. I'm hoping those help with these crashes and get me back on track." ], "top_scores": [ 12.344334602355957, 11.882268905639648, 11.615641593933105, 11.2363862991333, 11.228986740112305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies user experiences and side effects specifically related to the medication Concerta.", "pearson_r": 0.604204953510783, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4714, "freq": 0.014374417176518753, "mean_pos": 2.7805190086364746, "max_act": 5.759671211242676, "log_density": -1.842409724922931, "top_texts": [ "Stimulants like Adderall and Vyvanse are known to be taxing on the cardiovascular system.", "This is not the cause of my depression or periodic suicidal thoughts, but I do know that it tends to increase the severity. ", "Relationships and mental illness Am I the only one that experiences that my mental illnesses always manage to ruin my relationships? It's not that my partners get scared off due to my mental illness, but due to the fact the way my mental illnesses make me act.", "ssris bad for adhd? Hi i have read a lot about how ssri's can make worsen adhd symptoms. I have also read that it makes stimulants less effective. \n\n**My question is are these 2 things always the case when somebody with adhd takes ssri's or is it simply a possibility but not bound to happen? And also does the same count for snri's?**\n\nI am debating wether or not i should take an ssri for depression, anxiety and ocd but if that makes my already crazy adhd symptoms even worse or lessens the effectiveness of stimulants then thats a deal breaker for me.", "Nicotine is a very mild stimulant when compared to things like amphetamines, which are well known to cause hallucinations. Pretty much anyone with severe schizophrenia smokes for some reason - it's a question of correlation or causation when it comes to the severity of the illness.\n\nSo basically yes there's at least a chance that cigarettes can cause psychotic symptoms to get worse, but it's not fully figured out yet if that's the case." ], "top_scores": [ 5.759671211242676, 5.566646099090576, 5.357511520385742, 5.204496383666992, 5.137546539306641 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the pharmacological interactions and physiological effects of stimulants and psychiatric medications.", "pearson_r": 0.009025873648130452, "pred_f1": 0.16666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4745, "freq": 0.010485136579707508, "mean_pos": 3.8093326091766357, "max_act": 12.995282173156738, "log_density": -1.979425866608672, "top_texts": [ "We tried EMDR once, but decided it wasn't for me due to the same reasons as you described. \nLet's hope the new treatment works for you!", "I’m supposed to start EMDR tomorrow, but I’m terrified I’ve been having PTSD symptoms for the past five years since breaking up with my abuser. I got formally diagnosed earlier this month. \n\nI trust my therapist and love her. She’s fantastic. However, I’m really terrified to start EMDR. I’ve heard so many positive things about it but I’m sitting in bed trying not to panic at the idea of talking in detail about my trauma. Everything in my brain is telling me not to do it, but I don’t know if it will work for me unless I try it. My biggest problem with my PTSD is avoidance. I avoid anything that I know triggers me and find new triggers still, all these years later. It’s not as bad as it was 5 years ago, but when I get triggered it really effects me. \n\nDoes anyone have any positive EMDR stories? I also have to work right after my session, which probably isn’t the greatest idea, but I need money :(", "This was meant to be my cure, we have been doing it for months and months and I was stuck with an image. She gave me an exercise to complete and I thought I did it. We start the session and it goes in a completely different direction and by the end of it I'm being told that I've had a wall up the whole 5 years I've been seeing my psychologist and that's why the EDMR will never actually work and why I couldn't get past this event. I couldn't sleep last thinking about it, and cried so much. She is the person I am the most valnerable with and I can't even be my true self with her out of fear she will see me for the monster I feel I am. I hide that part of myself because I hate it, and if I hate it and myself, why would they also not hate me if they saw that side of me.", "That really sucks, and it unfortunately doesn't matter if we 'know' they are safe, it is so very ingrained that it becomes a natural reflex. And I too and doing EMDR. I am currently stuck though, so we are having to try me past it, which is not fun. I hope it works for you as well. The ingrained behaviours are the hardest to undo.", "I did EMDR in the past and it was really traumatizing because I don't think it was conducted properly. I suppose my therapist was inexperienced (just had received her bachelor's) and I was still in the same toxic environment. I don't know if it would be different this time." ], "top_scores": [ 12.995282173156738, 12.965224266052246, 12.319012641906738, 11.508852005004883, 11.21946907043457 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the personal experience, apprehension, or clinical process of undergoing EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy.", "pearson_r": 0.0, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5522, "freq": 0.010871790206291082, "mean_pos": 3.6030688285827637, "max_act": 10.960848808288574, "log_density": -1.9636988968592977, "top_texts": [ "[Xbox] [h] very mixed list [w] keys or respectable offers ♡♡ Exo blk veloce\n\nBlack wet paint\n\nTW northen crl\n\nJuggler black dieci\n\nFg mainframe \n\nDissolver\n\nTW dune\n\nlime apex\n\nZ plate wheels 40+ key offers or good offers\n\nStriker sb capacitors \n\nCrim black lonewolf tw goalkeeper lonewolf\n\nForrest green singularity \n\nGoalkeeper Dd \n\nTactician tw troublemakers \n\nTw playmaker og oct rlcs \n\nSweeper og purp dom rlcs \n\nSweeper tw infinium \n\nTactician crim and sb lazerwaves \n\nTactician blk reapers\n", "I made a wishlist, and it has some ramen on it. If anyone could help out it would be so much appreciated. Thank you! My zip code is 35020. Link to amazon wish list: ", "I have 2 wish lists because Amazon is expensive on items, so I created a Wal-Mart (zip code 40219) wishlist too. I also have a PayPal account. The meats are cheaper at save a lot because save a lot has pick5 for $20. Hi Friends and Family! ", "and we are still trying to recover financially! Any and all help is appreciated! Here is the link to their Amazon wishlist . We live in the Tx Hill Country. Thanks again!", "(I did check the Wiki / Rules, but alas, could not find anything. Again, may be being silly, so apologies if I am!) Also, I am a UK resident. Would this cause issues if purchasing for someone in the Americas? !" ], "top_scores": [ 10.960848808288574, 10.779454231262207, 9.678102493286133, 9.252798080444336, 9.033933639526367 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the solicitation of material assistance or financial aid through wishlists and external links.", "pearson_r": 0.4268299160337019, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10169, "freq": 0.012486637705551891, "mean_pos": 3.1287388801574707, "max_act": 10.622016906738281, "log_density": -1.903554454187501, "top_texts": [ "“Work provides purpose. Purpose provides meaning. Meaning provides life.”\nI think I screwed up the part but the idea was you have to be working to feel alive.", "What gives your life meaning? I've been really wrapped up in my s/o lately. He's basically my only reason for staying alive. I recognize this isn't fair to him and I need to find other reasons but I'm at a loss. And yeah, I know purpose is a thing that has to come from within but I really don't know how to do that so I'm just looking for some suggestions of what other people utilize. \n\nDisclaimer: I am not a religious person. Not from lack of trying, it just doesn't make sense to me so please don't suggest god or prayer. Other than that, any examples are appreciated. Thanks. ", "How am I supposed to find meaning in life? I think the title sounds bleaker than I wanted it to, but the fact of the matter is that I can't find purpose in my life. For a long time I just wanted what most people want by the time they've settled down: a house with a white picket fence, a loving spouse and children, and a job to support all of that comfortably. I've kind of discovered now that I don't think I should rely on the idea of someone (a spouse) being in my life, and I feel like even if I do get a job in the field I'm studying right now, I'm not going to enjoy it years down the road. I just don't know what to do with my life. \n\nThis is all very vague and whiny of me, but I appreciate any help. ", "Maybe for me, there has to be a purpose to communication in order for me to meaningfully participate.", "Possible suicidal ideation. How do you derive purpose and meaning in your life? What makes your life worthwhile? Looking for reasons and ideas to find purpose and meaning in my life. I think the title says it all. I wake up every morning wishing I was dead, and then struggle to get out of bed. I am physically agitated all the time and have lost the ability to sit still and read books for pleasure, which is something that I loved to do. I am currently looking for a job at 40, changing careers, and in debt, but find that I have no purpose or meaning in my life. I was hoping people here could give me ideas on what gives them purpose and meaning in their lives. Thank you so much for your time. It's very much appreciated." ], "top_scores": [ 10.622016906738281, 10.20322322845459, 9.6685209274292, 9.318814277648926, 8.999377250671387 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the existential search for personal meaning and purpose as a foundational requirement for living.", "pearson_r": 0.46003855508062713, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7582, "freq": 0.01159960879750722, "mean_pos": 3.3008487224578857, "max_act": 8.563374519348145, "log_density": -1.935556619879953, "top_texts": [ "I assume ghosting is conflict avoidance, which is something a lot of people would prefer.", "I did the same to my friends. I still love them, but I ghost people if I feel they don't like me or if they hurt my feelings in some way. If someone says something mean or implies it, I will just leave. \n\nNow, I have no friends or family. It's very difficult being this way, but then I guess we do it for safety? Nobody can hurt me anymore.", "I was so close to happy Years of being alone. Got used to it, stings every now and then when people bring it up.\n\nI've been working on myself for the last 3 years. Doing what I can to improve my looks, self-confidence, activities, work happiness. Long, long journey for me.\n\nFinally meet someone. Incredible first date. Amazing second date. And it just gets better through a few weeks. I'm doing my best, putting in the work because this guy is worth the work. I'm starting to get emotionally invested, and he was really into me too. I felt alive, I felt like a normal human being. I had a reason to get up in the morning, and a reason to eat healthy all day.\n\nThen. Ghosted yesterday. Went from very affectionate to no call, no text, nothing. I'm so confused, but respect his decision. So, I will let it go, but it hurts. Really hurts. Back to loneliness being the first thing i think of when I wake up. Back to not caring what I eat, mostly. Back to working on myself, by myself day by day.\n\nBecause life doesn't care how much good you do, or how hard you try.", "Upvoted. I'm schizoid but when I ghost I don't single out women, I ghost virtually everyone. Seems more likely he's taking some red pills.", "Invisibility Do you ever say stuff just to have people speak over you as if you were never even there? Or walking with someone who you think is your friend when someone else comes up and takes your place and you're just left by yourself? I feel like I'm a ghost and nobody even knows I'm there." ], "top_scores": [ 8.563374519348145, 7.86984395980835, 7.842080116271973, 7.835954189300537, 7.807447910308838 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of social withdrawal, isolation, and the feeling of being invisible or disconnected from others.", "pearson_r": 0.0614222689183303, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1990, "freq": 0.011918029431164281, "mean_pos": 3.2078988552093506, "max_act": 10.05695629119873, "log_density": -1.92379550999448, "top_texts": [ "That's not really a narrative I considered. I just think being emotionally vulnerable opens you up to all kinds of people. Some of those people might try to take advantage of you, and if your inner support isn't strong enough you might not be able to recognize the issue or deal with it very well.", "Share your vulnerabilities with people, and they use it against you. And the kicker is if you share something that has traumatized or severely damaged you in the past, that's what they use against you, not actually anything bad that you've done. Been over this world and this game for a long time now, too long. Enough is enough.", "I agree it would be interesting to explore the topic of sexual tendencies and preferences that might be indicative of a struggle with vulnerability.", "I have found in groups and in dating that vulnerability and willingness to be open about NPD is a goddamn superpower, so use that as you see fit.", "Thank you, that’s very kind! There was a time I was too afraid of vulnerability and showing imperfection to be open about my struggles, but I think it’s important to be candid to help others better understand them" ], "top_scores": [ 10.05695629119873, 9.035696983337402, 8.831826210021973, 8.361091613769531, 7.923548221588135 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the interpersonal risk and strategic management of emotional vulnerability.", "pearson_r": 0.21872478497294673, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9723, "freq": 0.010166715946050446, "mean_pos": 3.738161325454712, "max_act": 9.879788398742676, "log_density": -1.9928192675691125, "top_texts": [ "It's also lead me to have a toxic mindset about suicide being an ultimate show of strength but that's not great", ">Toxic femininity is certainly a real concept, brought on as a result of the trauma of the patriarchy", "What gave you the courage to break up with your SO? I've been with my boyfriend for three years, but throughout the years we've argued a lot. \n\n\nThis morning he got mad at me for asking a stupid question. I just genuinely wanted to know if we were going to have a date or go to his place for the day, because I wanted to know how to dress. This was apparently stupid to ask and I was told to just be 'normal' about it. It ended with him not wanting to hangout or talk to me for the reminaing of the day.\n\n\nAnyways, I'm aware this relationship is going nowhere..but I just can't seem to find the courage to break it off. Those of you who ended a toxic relationship...how did you find the courage to do it?", "I'm a toxic person who's screwed up all their friendships. I'm sick of it and sick of myself. It's been the same shit for the past 10 years. I make friends, things are going well, then I get jealous or I feel worthless or unworthy in some way, usually due to my own insecurities, and so I go about ending things, usually by ghosting. Despite regretting it each time, I continue to do it.\n\nI've done this to several people and it almost never fails, but my last friend was different. I ghosted and blew them off multiple times but despite this they always gave me another chance. Each time they did I tried to stick around, tried to be a better friend but inevitably I would always feel the urge to disappear again. However this last time I disappeared, it was for over a year. When I came back I messaged them and apologized but they never responded to me, so I think they finally reached their limit.\n\nThey're very kind and part of me is glad they finally had the nerve to cut off a toxic person like me. At the same time though I'm just not sure I can recover from this, and I don't feel that I deserve to. They're friendship mattered so much to me but I just threw it away like always, and it pisses me off so much.\n\nFrankly if it weren't for my mom and my cat I would just kill myself at this point. I don't see myself ever getting better and I don't want to put anyone else through this bullshit anymore. I hate myself.", "What can I do if the people I care for the most is the one that hurt my feelings a lot I know, I know. It's easy to say to leave toxic people behind, but sadly, I really really care for this people. I know I have a choice but my feelings won't let me leave these people.\n\nAnyone who have felt the same or is going through the same feeling as I am?" ], "top_scores": [ 9.879788398742676, 9.147167205810547, 9.010794639587402, 8.802363395690918, 8.568111419677734 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the internal and external experience of toxic interpersonal dynamics and self-perception.", "pearson_r": -0.21800613095250487, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5920, "freq": 0.012805058339208952, "mean_pos": 2.954512119293213, "max_act": 7.097160816192627, "log_density": -1.8926184046511316, "top_texts": [ "Instinctive reactions can be modified and change over time. Some things are ingrained due to trauma but they aren't permanent. I grew up in a pretty abusive environment but over time my triggers lessened or even went away as my body and mind adjusted to the real world. Sure, there are still things that set me off, but trauma is not necessarily a life-long massive imprint.", "I didn’t know where else to post this, but I need advice please I didn’t know where to post this I’m desperate sad and anxious plus I’m crying so here it goes\nI’m 19 years old about to turn 20 and I don’t know how to cook, is not that I don’t want to is that I just can’t hold information. I can learn how to cook something simple today and I’ll forget how to make it the next day, my family says I’m just making up excuses and that I can learn by watching or following recepies online but then it gets harder on me because I either don’t have the ingredients or I don’t know how they look like this was hard when I was in school since I had to stay till very late in tutoring doing math problems over and over and over again for a week till my teacher was sure I knew how to solve the problems, my family says it’s important for me to cook so that I can please my husband if I ever get married which It seems a bit sexist to me, I have asked them to help me learn but it never ends up good because I am a very sensible person and i am the type of person that will cry about anything which to them it’s just me faking it to make others feel sorry about me and have them leave me alone. This is something that has troubled me since I was 7 and has even made me consider suicide as a way to free my self away from them, Growing up I was thought that expressing your opinion or standing up for your self in front of anyone is a sign of disrespect, they don’t listen to me since basically everything I say it’s just an excuse for my behavior so I’m pretty submissive if I can call it that\nEdit: Spelling", "People react to situations differently. I'm sure she was just shocked and unable to process what had just happened. Your comment is just spewing with blame.", "I often find it difficult knowing what to do, or where to even start, after I am given instructions. How can I improve this? One of my most frustrating problems is when I have been listening to instructions and seem to understand what to do but then I go on to do the task and I am lost. I don't know where to start. It all becomes a blur. What was I meant to do first? But why that? Etc etc\n\nThis happens now at work, and it was previously a big problem in laboratories at university. I was studying to be a dentist (but have now withdrawn) and I would listen to the instructions from the professor, think okay, then just freeze. Have no idea where to start, while everyone around me is just getting on with things.\n\nWhy does this happen? Has anyone got any tips for me please?\n\nIt makes me feel so stupid. It makes me concerned my colleagues will \"click on\" and think I'm an idiot. It takes a toll on my confidence. I'm just so tired of it \n\nThanks everyone ", "I often find it difficult knowing what to do, or where to even start, after I am given instructions. How can I improve this? One of my most frustrating problems is when I have been listening to instructions and seem to understand what to do but then I go on to do the task and I am lost. I don't know where to start. It all becomes a blur. What was I meant to do first? But why that? Etc etc\n\nThis happens now at work, and it was previously a big problem in laboratories at university. I was studying to be a dentist (but have now withdrawn) and I would listen to the instructions from the professor, think okay, then just freeze. Have no idea where to start, while everyone around me is just getting on with things.\n\nWhy does this happen? Has anyone got any tips for me please?\n\nIt makes me feel so stupid. It makes me concerned my colleagues will \"click on\" and think I'm an idiot. It takes a toll on my confidence. I'm just so tired of it \n\nThanks everyone " ], "top_scores": [ 7.097160816192627, 6.869143009185791, 6.6921563148498535, 6.232789516448975, 6.232789516448975 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive and emotional struggle to process, retain, or execute instructions and situational information.", "pearson_r": 0.28905174941196965, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6188, "freq": 0.010098482953123935, "mean_pos": 3.7449100017547607, "max_act": 13.715536117553711, "log_density": -1.995743820297799, "top_texts": [ "But, a label can be comforting for some people and give them an idea on how to learn about themselves. It shouldn't be the focus but there's value with it as well", "Well it's ok and i think you can use that label if it's what feel best for you, labels are meant to be used, take care ✨💕", "Labels change and evolve as we age and as we learn about ourselves and the world around us.", "My mental health and personality (+ social) problems, on the other hand, do make me question sexuality stuff sometimes! But I try to accept that labels are not always permanent, and if I someday change my mind about what fits me best, then so be it. I just don't want to self-sabotage my own happiness.", "And this post is exactly what I was trying to warn you for. \"Oh no, someone gave me this label so I should just give up on trying altogether.\" (edit: wait a second...*you* gave yourself that label, didn't you? Which means you're simply looking for excuses and indulging in self-destructive behavior. Get professional help.)" ], "top_scores": [ 13.715536117553711, 13.235721588134766, 11.748844146728516, 11.17889404296875, 11.07139778137207 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and personal utility of diagnostic or identity-based labels.", "pearson_r": 0.5850192873837176, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4095, "freq": 0.011781563445311257, "mean_pos": 3.122772693634033, "max_act": 7.933241367340088, "log_density": -1.928797036810887, "top_texts": [ "  SAR teams, crew and techs, go where nobody else can go. They, Dave and his team, have saved Mounties, have gone where others simply can’t and aren’t trained, or capable of ignoring their surroundings and getting the job done. SAR are a breed apart. I have asked Dave if he can introduce me to a SAR Tech so I can show his story, beside this.", "\"Born Again!\" is always followed up by \"Armed and dangerous!\" sadly", "Most of the residents in San Andres are elderly farmers who depend on the bus to travel to the main market in Oaxaca to sell their produce. I am worried seeing the people depend on taxis who are known to scam farmers out of their hard-earned money. The Go Fund Me page is And there is a Facebook page set up too: ", "That is good to know haha. Unfortunately I’ve dealt with SA in the past and some of my bf’s family members are violent, which is why I want a dog that’ll protect me and make them think twice about hurting me. So it’s good to know that that seems to just be kinda bred into them", "Through work I have been in some dodgy situations abroad. A number of times my life has been at risk, and I've had to defend myself a few times. I'm a civilian and have only had basic weapon training. ​ We've always had an ex-military security contractor with us, but still had to perform aggressive roles when approached." ], "top_scores": [ 7.933241367340088, 7.589016914367676, 7.536935806274414, 7.247371196746826, 6.8521504402160645 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents themes of physical danger, personal defense, and high-stakes security situations.", "pearson_r": 0.14225856005650203, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3943, "freq": 0.0125321263675029, "mean_pos": 2.9323980808258057, "max_act": 6.8124823570251465, "log_density": -1.9019751999120535, "top_texts": [ "Anger and Sadness. Is anyone else just angry? I find that I'm almost always angry when I'm sad. I've never been great at communication, and it seems I just drive people away. On one hand, I like that, because the people around me already don't seem to care. On the other hand, I hate that no one cares, I seem to be too insufferable to be worth anyone's time.", "What music do you listen to when you’re feeling down? Like the title says. Just want to get an idea of what y’all listen to when it’s one of those days. Thanks", "The difference How do you tell the difference between bad nights and depression?\n\n75% of the time im alright. 25% of the time im sad. like its boiling under the surface.", "Why is night time always peak sad boi hour? Genuine question, any one know some psychology behind it", "How do you handle school? When I'm sad, school just seems like it's all BS. I just don't wanna do it anymore man. How do you guys handle Depression/Sadness and get good grades in school??" ], "top_scores": [ 6.8124823570251465, 6.648353576660156, 6.467940330505371, 6.257150173187256, 6.225508689880371 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of persistent, low-level sadness or emotional distress in daily life.", "pearson_r": 0.5142653638627285, "pred_f1": 0.7142857142857143 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7768, "freq": 0.012372916050674369, "mean_pos": 2.963315963745117, "max_act": 6.443093776702881, "log_density": -1.907527898619737, "top_texts": [ "Also, I believe it could have prevented some very bad things that happened to me and that I did if I had better understood what was going on.", "I definitely regret that this was the case for a few years. Constantly failing and truly being oblivious to the causes really depressed me and I got suicidal. If I had the chance, I'd spend the next 50 years doing what she's done for the past 9. The cool thing is she's super awesome so we'd be kick ass. We were kick ass every once in a while.", "Wow. I am a procrastinator, and college was hard for me bc of this. Thank god the majority of my classes were before the electronic submission stuff...I would have probably tried this many, many times and ended up in trouble.", "Kindof adjacent to that I spent years believing that my friends and family were reporting my behavior to God who was training me to become a religious emperor.\n\nI made it my mission in life to tell absolutely nobody in case they were in on it and to act as normal as humanly possible to try to stay off God's radar. It also kept me out of the psych ward when I definitely should have went.", "A few years ago, I posted in this subreddit about a messed up situation I got into where emetophobia ruined my relationship. I was not coddled, and shut down and went into a spiral." ], "top_scores": [ 6.443093776702881, 6.108943939208984, 6.08236026763916, 6.021655559539795, 5.733828544616699 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the retrospective analysis of past life events, personal failures, and the long-term consequences of one's previous behaviors or misunderstandings.", "pearson_r": 0.01307925407478867, "pred_f1": 0.375 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1424, "freq": 0.012782314008233448, "mean_pos": 2.8613109588623047, "max_act": 7.620003700256348, "log_density": -1.8933904838730682, "top_texts": [ "IT major, looking to get certs, but feeling lost on plan of attack Hello!\nI just recently graduated college (Yay!) and now I'm trying to get a plan going to get my certifications and land a job/internship. I was wondering if anyone else here is an IT major and how they did it. I'm feeling overwhelmed and anxious on how to build my plan of attack. But, as all IT majors know, in order to land a job you need your certs. Any advice or tips would be super helpful! Thank you! \n\nTldr; Advice/tips on how to make a plan of attack to get some IT certifications.", "I need a schedule I need a schedule because I lose too much time during the day getting caught up in and sidetracked by random things 😩\n\nBut every time I go to do this I get so overwhelmed I don’t even want to mess with it because I don’t know where to start. Or how long things will take. Or when we will be hungry etc etc etc 😰\n\nSuggestions?", "Coping suggestions for a newly diagnosed person. Hey, I'm a recent diagnosis. Since getting diagnosed I've started noticing behaviors I've had awhile but now that there's a name and reason they sort of stand out and annoy me more. \n\nI was wondering if anyone has any suggestions for coping skills/tips for dealing with things. I've only had the 1 appointment with my GP and the diagnostic appointment with a therapist so I'm VERY new at this. \n\nSome things I've noticed that particularly impact my life are:\nMisplacing items I just had.\n\nGetting extremely overwhelmed in places like Wal-Mart, or if my boyfriend is playing a game too loudly, or really any loud, crowded, bright place. \n\nAnd... I'm not sure how to describe this one but it's probably my biggest problem. Some people I've talked too called it Executive Disfunction. (I'm trying to avoid diagnostic terms for myself until my doctor tells me I have them but I really struggle with describing this one so I'm using the term for simplicity sake.)\n\nJust to be clear, I know this is going to be a LONG journey and I'm going to have to work with my Dr.s A LOT and find out what works best for me and I'm going to have to try a lot of things.\nI'm just looking for tips and tricks to help me make my life more manageable while I'm on this journey. I'm a T1D and know that sometimes taking small suggestions from others with the same condition can be really helpful so I'm hoping that applies here.\n\nThank you in advance <3", "just got prescribed celexa today will be my first day on it! it's my first time on meds and I'm a bit scared. any advice or experiences with celexa would be much appreciated. or just any comments in general :)", "HELP!!! Starting Ritalin in the morning.... What the feck can I expect?\n\n\nIs it nuts to start it on a work day? Should I wait for the weekend?\n\n\nMy doctor hadn't a notion about side effects and had a general handbook he referred to. Is there anything I should be wary of?\n\n\nPanicking just a little right now. Half of me thinks this is going to change my life, the other half thinks it'll do nothing and this is my last chance to sort my life and I'll be fecked forever.\n\n\nAll advice from those who've been through this would be grateful appreciated before I fall into a Google blackhole of doom ☠" ], "top_scores": [ 7.620003700256348, 7.338510036468506, 6.196848392486572, 6.0260396003723145, 5.789555072784424 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of anticipatory anxiety and executive dysfunction regarding the initiation of new tasks, treatments, or life transitions.", "pearson_r": 0.2572504975993706, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3760, "freq": 0.011736074783360247, "mean_pos": 3.109724760055542, "max_act": 8.877422332763672, "log_density": -1.930477094786032, "top_texts": [ "Tomorrow Will Be a Better Day Hi, this is a poem I wrote today to try to explain how I’ve been feeling lately. I just want to share it to see if anyone else feels this way as well. \n\n\nTomorrow Will Be a Better Day\n\nLast night I laid in my bed\nassured that tomorrow will be a better day \nThe night sky guarded me from the pressures\nand expectations of success\nunder her protection, \nI can rest\nand make empty promises to myself\nthat tomorrow will be a better day\n\nEvery night I lay \nand replace myself with thoughts \nof a new self\n\nFilled with hope, I tell myself\ntomorrow will be a better day\n\nThe morning sun kisses the blinds\nI closed not so long ago\nThey filter in uninvited and chant their alarm\n\nIt is tomorrow\n\nBut I was wrong, I’m still me\nno matter how many times I wake up\nthe rest was never enough to \nmake today a better day", "Valentines Day Tomorrow It's the worst day of the year. Each day is awful, but this day makes it so much worse. Time to get my loneliness rubbed in my face, twice as hard than any other day of the year. Except this time it isn't just myself rubbing it in and hating myself, it's everyone else around me too.\n\nWaking up Tomorrow isn't going to be fun.", "The edge Tomorrow is the edge, tonight's sleep is walking forward with no remorse. The rising sun is a new, better, world. One without disappointment, failed expectations, or lack of purpose. ", "Feeling lethargic the next day after a day of intense focus and productivity Does anyone else feel as if they’re really slow and unable to focus properly the day after high intensity studying or focus?", "I'm wondering if you are interpreting \"not feeling the greatest\" as \"having a bad day\"? And therefore a less acceptable reason to cancel? I don't know. It is most likely physical, but even if she is mentally unwell that day, she is being responsible by not coming to work. She offered to reschedule for tomorrow. Thats pretty rare for a T. Most just say \"see you next week\"." ], "top_scores": [ 8.877422332763672, 8.20834732055664, 7.058032035827637, 6.954010009765625, 6.700842380523682 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological anticipation or dread associated with the upcoming day.", "pearson_r": 0.6091824685770972, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8081, "freq": 0.012577615029453908, "mean_pos": 2.8605732917785645, "max_act": 5.893931865692139, "log_density": -1.900401667584473, "top_texts": [ "Maybe try talking with them online from the same house? It might help bridge the communication gap", "Friendships are hard cause they have different degrees of intimacy usually based on how close you are. That’s not very all or nothing, so that’s why it’s hard for me.", "It's not easy, but you can try the five senses to start or Google it and see if you find any you think you might like to try.", "Sometimes it's hard to gauge peoples' intent, especially if you're predisposed towards giving people the benefit of the doubt (because sometimes they may not deserve it) or towards perceiving others' actions as threatening (because sometimes they just don't understand).", "Mine we’re chosen the same way they were for you 🥲 one at a time, very slowly and on super low doses to detect any bad side effects as I’m very sensitive. Only the ones with just good effects were kept, so all my meds do work great, it’s just that none of them have ever helped the depression 😞" ], "top_scores": [ 5.893931865692139, 5.505579471588135, 5.368671417236328, 5.3525614738464355, 5.255423545837402 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the nuance and complexity of navigating interpersonal communication and social dynamics.", "pearson_r": 0.0803988143942255, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 268, "freq": 0.01184979643823777, "mean_pos": 3.0270981788635254, "max_act": 7.17626953125, "log_density": -1.926289073468854, "top_texts": [ "Nah. Whenever I do end up constructing a scenario where I'd be praised for my actions I either tune that part down or turn it into some more private event (e.g. someone buying me a drink instead of giving a standing ovation and medals). It just doesn't work for me and I don't need it.", "Though I am training myself to not curse out the supervisors aloud...but if no one brings it up before I ET then it never happened.", "I tend to just focus my attention on positive interactions no matter the person. Rude to me? I'll walk away. In the same day, you come up to me and say something neutral or kind? I'll respond kindly. I've noticed the people who say rude things are generally looking for a reaction, when they don't get one, they either avoid you or change their approach. If they continue their rudeness over and over even after no reaction, I'd consider cutting them off if it's a personal relationship, confronting them if they mean a lot to me or reporting them in professional settings.", "It's definitely not in every social situation for me, but just with friends/acquaintances. It doesn't really apply in a classroom setting, walking around a mall, etc.", "Well, i am over it to be honest, i will fight hate with hate, of course for those who deserve it, but you will never see me be a bigger person ever again, they will get the same exact treatment they are giving to others." ], "top_scores": [ 7.17626953125, 6.696249961853027, 6.380771636962891, 6.337010860443115, 5.8691864013671875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conscious regulation and strategic management of interpersonal social responses.", "pearson_r": 0.6686040920436812, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2073, "freq": 0.007733072531671481, "mean_pos": 4.631505489349365, "max_act": 13.363434791564941, "log_density": -2.1116478602154154, "top_texts": [ "TLDR as someone with dpd you tend to date people who need you in one way or another: financially, emotionally, sexually or you lean into the first person who interacts with you because ur lonely.", "honestly, most people don't even know what DPD is. But if you tell them right away and then explain it to them, it could potentially put you into a situation where somebody tries to manipulate you and to take advantage of you. Maybe wait a few months after being in a relationship with someone.... if you feel like you can trust them at that point. Just feel it out.", "Hello everyone, I’ve recently stopped fitting in the dpd diagnosis, im much better. However, what is this group picture?? Dpd is a serious mental disorder and the emoji picture just feels like someone is mocking it\nhttps://reddit.com/r/DPD/comments/1ggbudq/what_is_going_on/", "Hey! Some of the things you are describing do sound like DPD symptoms but I highly recommend you talk to a doctor because it can also be a plethora of other things. Wishing the best!", "Hello, I have been diagnosed with DPD as well and to be very honest, it's so so hard, even harder, I recently had a breakup and I was so dependent on this guy almost like a child is to a parent to some extent,it makes me feel like I can't do anything on my own and I need a romantic partner to be able to live life, it's a living hell, I imagine so many weird scenarios in my head, I have been diagnosed with depression, ocd, had and bits of bpd. I can't rely on myself and think of myself who's weak and incapable without the assistance of another person, I don't know how this starts and why it happens to certain people but it surely is very difficult to deal with." ], "top_scores": [ 13.363434791564941, 13.196185111999512, 12.868172645568848, 12.862585067749023, 12.76290512084961 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the diagnosis, symptoms, and interpersonal dynamics associated with Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD).", "pearson_r": 0.3192473060235145, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8553, "freq": 0.009939272636295403, "mean_pos": 3.583336114883423, "max_act": 10.504390716552734, "log_density": -2.0026453527531154, "top_texts": [ "Is this the right time to say that in my country it's 38 euros per session until you've reached about 250 euros in total and then it's free for the rest of the year? No? Okay", "I hope this isn’t inappropriate but how much did it cost you to go? What was like the daily cost? Or do you pay for it as a program and not a day to day thing?", "My individual sessions are $25 with insurance, $120 without. Group is $45 per session.", "[USA] Cost of evaluation for adult ADHD? Number of appointments? Psychiatrist in Philadelphia area seem to be mostly not taking insurance, and charge $400 for one hour (initial consultation) and $125-$200 for 20 minutes follow ups. In comparison my out of network therapist (talk therapy) \"only\" charges me $125 for one hour.\n\nI'm getting conflicting information on how long it takes to get evaluated for adult ADHD with a psychiatrist. Some say one visit, some say 5 hours. Five hours sounds insanely expensive.", "2) there’s this website called Share Well, that is all about connecting and support groups. However it costs money (like $3 a week) for unlimited virtual sessions." ], "top_scores": [ 10.504390716552734, 9.766637802124023, 9.213342666625977, 8.601859092712402, 8.50212574005127 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the financial costs, insurance coverage, and pricing structures of mental health services.", "pearson_r": 0.6300768740682404, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 500, "freq": 0.011576864466531717, "mean_pos": 3.0759308338165283, "max_act": 7.912178039550781, "log_density": -1.9364090135675738, "top_texts": [ "\tIt was the summer, I had just started a new job as a bartender. I met a girl that was equally odd, had a lot of similar interests, was looking for the same thing I was. We quickly became enamored with each other. It didn't take long for us to move in together. I started finding projects around the house to fix up, she would surprise me with home cooked meals or a note gushing over our relationship.", "One night after going to a club we go back to our friends and we snuggle next to each other. She interlocks her fingers into my hand and later on in the night turns around and kisses me. We kiss for the whole night. We couldn't do anything more because our friends were sleeping in the same room. We didn't talk about that night until a few weeks later when we went to a bar together.", "He felt my chest and sort of kissed my abs, all this weird stuff he never did before. We did it again the next week and he seemed more into it this time, like a lot more. I have never seen him like this, ever. He started moaning and shit, and all this weird stuff, and then near the end, he literally kissed me and sort of got on top of me. We've kissed before for the webcam, but we pretty much never kiss besides that.", "One night I was staying up late with my uncle watching movies (this was not odd, we would watch Disney movies all night together during the summer. Like I said, he was my favorite). All of the sudden he decided to propose something to me. I was six. I had no idea what any of this meant.", "bah. Anyway, couple months down the line, I met her family, loved them, they loved me (they're first impression of me was, get this, me clogging they're toileting and it overflowing with me yelling SOS through the bathroom door.. it was awesome lol). L and I continued to grow even closer as my now senior year progressed (her junior). Then March happened. L started to act wierd." ], "top_scores": [ 7.912178039550781, 7.208366870880127, 6.625621318817139, 6.511235237121582, 6.377064228057861 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures narratives describing the development, initiation, or progression of intimate, romantic, or sexual encounters.", "pearson_r": 0.525760477959569, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5144, "freq": 0.007960515841426525, "mean_pos": 4.372766971588135, "max_act": 9.848841667175293, "log_density": -2.099058734511985, "top_texts": [ "Ritalin LA dosage need adjustment if you lose weight? Well, the title is the whole question.\n\nI started taking 30mg Ritalin LA when I was 130kg now I am 109kg and been feeling a bit weird lately, I am wondering if my dosage maybe is too high...\n\nI tried googling but I only get data for massive overdose, not the effects of small too high doses.", "Good way to battle post Ritalin anxiety Ideally fine when on ritilin but when I come off it or stop taking it I get quite bad anxiety any tips or tricks to fight this Ritalin withdrawal induced anxiety ", "Ritalin makes me tired after talking, feels like tired after running", "That's a tough one. I heard Ritalin is literally meth, so that's cool.", "Been Exercising & Lifting weights for years, since starting Ritalin IR, I keep getting light-headed at the gym. Hi there, \n\nI have been lifting weights for years. I have been on Ritalin IR for 2 months now. I go to the gym first thing in the morning at 6am, I take a small portion of a pre-workout (includes 100mg of caffeine) before working out. I never take Ritalin on the days I go to the gym. When at the gym, I feel like my heart rate gets really high, I get light-headed once I stand after sitting on a machine for a couple minutes. Sometimes it's really bad and I feel like I could pass right out. I have never ever had any of these negative effects at the gym before starting Ritalin. \n\nHas anyone else experienced this before? Could it just be high blood pressure from the Ritalin? I didn't think it would effect my performance at the gym since I never take it on gym days.\n\nMany thanks!" ], "top_scores": [ 9.848841667175293, 9.840705871582031, 9.295538902282715, 9.07278060913086, 8.795939445495605 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies experiences and concerns specifically related to the physiological and psychological side effects of Ritalin usage.", "pearson_r": 0.7438343052617366, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3284, "freq": 0.010439647917756499, "mean_pos": 3.3251230716705322, "max_act": 12.929245948791504, "log_density": -1.9813141062805795, "top_texts": [ "I'm terrified of spiders (really bad arachnophobia) but this is a gorgeous way to preserve the memory of your little friend. I think she'd be proud.", "I absolutely despise spiders, I may even call myself arachnophobic. When I see them walk around it makes me gag, and I freak out when I find them in my room. I don’t know if they are poisonous or not. But, I never kill them. I ask my roommate or I get the courage to put it in a cup and push it outside. Please don’t kill unidentified animals. They might be important. Or simply just minding their own business, with their only crime being that they look weird", "I know! I'm really not afraid of being bitten by a spider. Just the mere presence of them is terrifying. I know it seems silly to someone who owns them as pets! I think keeping them is pretty cool tbh.", "I understand that you think they're cute, but they're still triggering to arachnophobics so yeah, even them behind a tag (please ;-;)", "I have extreme molluscophobia, which intersects with my schizotypy in various ways and is at times truly debilitating--even the very mention of a \"slug\" in OP made me recoil--but aside from that, though this doesn't apply to all insects by any means (and technically, the following aren't insects), I have an empathy toward spiders and have since early childhood. \n\nI suppose I feel a sort of kinship with them in certain ways, as they're extremely misunderstood, considered almost univerally repulsive and frightening on a flimsy basis, and they tend to be reclusive, nocturnal and scurry and hide in encounters with humans more often than not. I don't understand why so many people so fear a creature that tends to be extremely skittish and dash away to hiding places when confronted with human beings--from the way people respond to them, you'd think spiders aggressive by nature, and they just aren't. Most serious bites happen with people unwittingly stumble right into their spaces--like putting boots on that brown recluses have taken up residence in, etc.-but from the way most people respond, you'd think spiders prone to jumping on people and biting them out of nowhere or running *towards* people, but they nearly always run quickly away. That contrast engenders some empathy in me." ], "top_scores": [ 12.929245948791504, 11.254928588867188, 10.942509651184082, 10.402432441711426, 10.191162109375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of specific phobias and the associated visceral or emotional triggers.", "pearson_r": 0.7078406557627851, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9, "freq": 0.012122728409943821, "mean_pos": 2.860323429107666, "max_act": 8.455361366271973, "log_density": -1.9163995885669458, "top_texts": [ "I hated Vraylar too. Gave me such bad akasthisia I went to psychiatric urgent care and was put on benzos to help the pain.", "Thank you, I’ll try. Right now I’m gonna go to urgent care and ask them to put me on olanzapine again until I see my psychiatrist after I wane off Vraylar. The Vraylar is so Bad it’s even made my vision go dangerously blurry so driving is impossible now.", "Vraylar. Akasthisia was so bad I had to go to psych urgent care and was put on benzos. I was crying in pain", "I’m on Vraylar. I don’t see my doctor for another month so I’ll have to wait before I can ask him again. Thank you for your reply", "It’s nice to hear I’m not alone in this, but I’m sorry you had to go through that too. I’m actually gonna go to urgent care now to wean off and get on olanzapine til I can see my psychiatrist since that medication didn’t kill me like Vraylar is" ], "top_scores": [ 8.455361366271973, 7.732588291168213, 7.230371475219727, 6.865562438964844, 6.74170446395874 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of severe adverse reactions to the antipsychotic medication Vraylar.", "pearson_r": 0.41034726723238435, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6504, "freq": 0.010507880910683012, "mean_pos": 3.2977724075317383, "max_act": 9.467765808105469, "log_density": -1.9784848165318483, "top_texts": [ "Dating is driving me nuts. I just had a falling out with a guy I was casually seeing because he tried to ghost me and I went absolutely batshit. Making fake numbers and texting them because I'd rather have the truth. I figure I have nothing to lose anyway so there's nothing stopping my inner voice from telling me to let them have it.\n\nSecond time I'd been ghosted in two weeks and I'm exhausted. It feels like the world is ending every time it happens and it's hard to come down from that. It also really hurts when they tell me that they really like me, want to see me, etc. and it turns out to be a pack of lies. How can there be so much difference from one minute to the next and they all of a sudden want nothing to do with me, even before I react?\n\nI'm trying to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist for the first time in over a year, moved to a new area so I need to change therapists. Just want to vent here because I don't think anyone I know personally will understand. ", "I was so close to happy Years of being alone. Got used to it, stings every now and then when people bring it up.\n\nI've been working on myself for the last 3 years. Doing what I can to improve my looks, self-confidence, activities, work happiness. Long, long journey for me.\n\nFinally meet someone. Incredible first date. Amazing second date. And it just gets better through a few weeks. I'm doing my best, putting in the work because this guy is worth the work. I'm starting to get emotionally invested, and he was really into me too. I felt alive, I felt like a normal human being. I had a reason to get up in the morning, and a reason to eat healthy all day.\n\nThen. Ghosted yesterday. Went from very affectionate to no call, no text, nothing. I'm so confused, but respect his decision. So, I will let it go, but it hurts. Really hurts. Back to loneliness being the first thing i think of when I wake up. Back to not caring what I eat, mostly. Back to working on myself, by myself day by day.\n\nBecause life doesn't care how much good you do, or how hard you try.", "Holy shit this sucks THREE YEARS. We were dating. all of a sudden NOTHING. GHOSTED ME. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK???? IVE CALLED his mom 20 fucking times it's been a week I know nothing happened because of inside sources. He just ghosted me. I feel like doing something bad. I want to suffer physically to forget and this pain. It's worse than any pain ever. I feel like a psycho. Hhhhhhh", "i wanna be in but last time i was in a gc i tried talking abt how getting ghosted was bothering me thinking i could finally talk abt it instead of hiding it and they started making npd a competition and “we usually don’t break that easily” without knowing me at all, without knowing what i’m going through in general,not knowing context or anything 😭", "Ghosting is confusing. Clear boundaries avoid that risk of confusion. If you tell him you don't want to talk to him anymore and he doesn't respect that, that would show a narcissistic trait. " ], "top_scores": [ 9.467765808105469, 8.109886169433594, 8.038084030151367, 7.9530253410339355, 7.649059295654297 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the emotional distress and behavioral dysregulation triggered by the experience of being ghosted in romantic relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.41651984909655937, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4408, "freq": 0.0109627675301931, "mean_pos": 3.155412197113037, "max_act": 8.168498039245605, "log_density": -1.9600797555640765, "top_texts": [ "I feel worthless And everytime someone says anything good about me it just gets worse. The feeling of worthlessnes is in large part connected to my apparent incapability of getting a job. I'm so sick of when people around me says anything good about me because it only makes me think something along the lines of \"either you're lying, or it doesn't matter because [insert positive attribute] doesn't contribute anything\". \nWhen people offer to pay for something whether it's my family or friends it makes me feel pathetic.\nSomehow my experience living has caused inherently good things to feel bad.\nFml", "I feel worthless How can I get rid of that feeling? I feel like that most of the days, so I can't enjoy conversations with people. I even don't want to talk with anybody :(", "linking my self worth to my success/ capability of being productive whenever i’m not actively doing something to contribute to my success, I feel like a waste of space. I feel like I serve no purpose in life. when I fall deep enough into this hole, I can’t bring myself out of it to start working on myself again. The deeper I fall, the worse I feel. \n\ni’ve felt completely worthless for the last three weeks.\nlike nothing I do matters anyway. i’d love to just disappear for a few weeks.", "I feel like I’m never doing enough and that I’m wasting my time, not to mention I feel pretty worthless 24/7. So this is a long one, hopefully you stick around to the end, I feel like I’m never doing enough. Let me explain, I have a full time job and I’m a full time student, but I still still feel like I’m not doing enough and that I’m just wasting my time. It sucks, I’m in a constant state of hating life feeling like I’m wasting every second I have on the earth, and that I’m not doing enough. I can’t sit down and relax for like 5 minutes without feeling worthless and like I’m wasting time. It gives me this strange feeling, I really want to go and do more things, but I’m exhausted and never want to go do more things. It is very conflicting and mentally draining. And all of those feeling make me feel worthless. My girlfriend says she thinks the way my parents talk to me also just reinforces how I feel. I honestly dislike my situation. I’ve been considering a career change and a break from school but even then idk if I’ll feel content. That’s the other thing, I don’t feel content with life and what has happened so far. Dont get me wrong, I was never physically abused and we weren’t poor, but idk what’s wrong I just feel so worthless and like I’m wasting all of time.\n", "I feel like I’m never doing enough and that I’m wasting my time, not to mention I feel pretty worthless 24/7. So this is a long one, hopefully you stick around to the end, I feel like I’m never doing enough. Let me explain, I have a full time job and I’m a full time student, but I still still feel like I’m not doing enough and that I’m just wasting my time. It sucks, I’m in a constant state of hating life feeling like I’m wasting every second I have on the earth, and that I’m not doing enough. I can’t sit down and relax for like 5 minutes without feeling worthless and like I’m wasting time. It gives me this strange feeling, I really want to go and do more things, but I’m exhausted and never want to go do more things. It is very conflicting and mentally draining. And all of those feeling make me feel worthless. My girlfriend says she thinks the way my parents talk to me also just reinforces how I feel. I honestly dislike my situation. I’ve been considering a career change and a break from school but even then idk if I’ll feel content. That’s the other thing, I don’t feel content with life and what has happened so far. Dont get me wrong, I was never physically abused and we weren’t poor, but idk what’s wrong I just feel so worthless and like I’m wasting all of time.\n" ], "top_scores": [ 8.168498039245605, 7.720405101776123, 7.3664703369140625, 7.223454475402832, 7.223454475402832 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal experience of pervasive worthlessness tied to perceived personal inadequacy or lack of productivity.", "pearson_r": 0.6170320531719548, "pred_f1": 0.8181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1694, "freq": 0.01164509745945823, "mean_pos": 2.9600300788879395, "max_act": 6.381896018981934, "log_density": -1.9338568351483103, "top_texts": [ "I get told I'm being referred, it turns out not to be true. I get referred and added to the list, I need other mental health support in the meantime, getting added to another list bumps me from the ADHD list. It's infuriating. I'm entirely up for going radge.", "Is there any way to ask for a referral to a different team—if not now, maybe from the psych you're seeing in June? The care you're getting now sounds pretty Mickey Mouse; nothing against them, just that they're obviously a terrible fit for you.", "But it gets better and more rewarding after that. I was like you. Now i cant wait to go out and meet new people.", "Yeah I've already got an appointment set with someone else at the office. It just sucks cause the person I was seeing I got along with really well and then she had to go and move. So I got stuck with this guy. And now I can't even describe how horrible I feel.", "I was making progress Sorry for the incoming rant but I need to tell someone.\nSo a month or 2 ago, I work up the courage to ask out a girl. And, to my surprise, she says yes.\nBut when I try to arrange a date, every weekend she’s busy or can’t do anything (She even dropped out last minute one time.)\nCue tonight, where once again I’m trying to arrange a time for us to hang out. Just to clarify, I double checked that she wanted to go on a date and to my surprise, she told me she had just started dating somebody.\nSo effectively, that’s 2 months of waiting only to get punched in the face. Lovely" ], "top_scores": [ 6.381896018981934, 6.238168239593506, 5.632856845855713, 5.54107666015625, 5.455826759338379 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the frustration and emotional distress associated with navigating healthcare systems and interpersonal disappointments.", "pearson_r": 0.15230977599178014, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9442, "freq": 0.010030249960197421, "mean_pos": 3.429835796356201, "max_act": 9.559349060058594, "log_density": -1.998688200652023, "top_texts": [ "Fuck ADHD stimulants. Go ahead and downvote me. I do believe in fact that I have adhd but I think that stimulants should be for those who truly need it. I started taking stims in the 4th grade due to me getting shitty grades and being obnoxious. This was due to the fact that my teacher hated my guts and because I was faced with a lot of artsy projects, which is something I stuggled with a lot due to poor fine motor skills. I fucking hated the meds and wanted to quit them but my parents in the end wouldnt let me. My grades did improve, which I mainly credit to a switch in schooling, not the medication itself. And to this day, my gpa in highschool as a sophmore is currently 3.78. So you may be asking me, why are you upset, the meds are doing their job? Heres why I'm pissed: slowly over the course of my middle school years my motivation to do simple tasks has has deteriorated and my social skills have dropped significantly. I was the class clown in 3rd and 4th grade and had loads of friends and I was exceptionally bright, according to my teachers. Now I literally have not had a friend over to my house in years and I have trouble holding a conversation. This lead me to get an asd diagnosis which sometimes I think is bogus. These meds fuck with your personality and who you are as a person. And I am so dependent on them too, if I miss a day its almost as im drunk; my cordination is completely fucked and my handwriting is unreadable. These pills are so fucking unfair. I have been on stims for about 7 years now. Also the non-stimulants just make me sleep all day and make my withdrawl effects worse, so there you go. Here is a list of what they have done to me\nGood\nGood grades\n\nBad\nPersonality completely changed\nStomaches\nGas\nAnxiety(extreme anxiety while on focalin, anxiety dissapeared after med switch)\nLoss of social skills\nUnderweight bmi\nExtreme appetite loss\nNo motivation due to dopamine system being fucked\nIssues at home with parents who have high expectations\nSocial anxiety\nLazyness\nNONE AND I MEAN NONE OF THESE SYMPTOMS APPLIED TO ME BEFORE I TOOK THE STIMS.\nMy statement;\nGood grades shouldnt fucking mean everything but according to my parents and many others they do. I would rather get shitty grades without medication, but my parents won't be keen on that and who knows, maybe these effects are just permanent. I think that stims should not be given to a DEVELOPING BRAIN because I have already seen the damage done to me. For years I lived the lie that these were helping me. \nTLDR\nAdd meds fucked up who I am over the course of 7 years.\n\n", "Stimulants vs. non-stimulants I have a psychiatry appointment in a week. My therapist and I have spoken about me possibly going back to medication, over the last year I have been in a very intense period of ADHD and anxiety entanglement. I stopped taking medication (pretty sure it was concerta at the time) in high school (I’m a senior in college) and have been apprehensive since because of the side effects (mostly being zombiesh, anxiety, and at the time I was self-conscious about sexual side effects). \n\nI’m really curious as to how non-stimulants are different, specifically strattera I suppose, because I read online and it seems that a lot of the side effects are the same?", "I hate hearing nonsense about stimulants being a downer for people with ADHD. From what i know it depends on the ADHD type (ADHD really is just a bunch of symptoms involving impaired executive functioning and recent studies have shown all kinds of distinct nonoverlapping issues in the brain among different people), it depends on what stimulant and in what dose and tolerance. Also the effects are complicated and mixed, i get some normal people effects from stimulants while lacking alot of others.", "Do stimulants numb your emotions? Long story short: Had a huge adventure with ADHD meds as my psychiatrist was adamant I had ADHD (which is getting less and less likely). Had emotional blunting and I am now curious if that applies to ADHD people too.\n\nTwo reasons why this question is itching me:\n\n* Actually lost a friend as soon as he started stimulants. Became super hurtful towards me and started preaching me how my mental health problems are just willpower issues and how I should stay away from talking with him about his mental health. The irony... Also messed up as I did open to him about my fear of committing suicide.\n* Another friend that's been on stimulants since early school seems to never give a damn about other's feelings. I have never seen that amount of \"I don't give a damn about your feelings\". That person is always on some quest to do something. Alas, I can believe this person has ADHD compared to that other friend.\n\nWhat docs told me: One should have no side effects on stimulants. I find this unrealistic. Another doc (a very reputable one that attended multiple top universities): ADHD meds are WAY over-prescribed. I also listened to lots of talks from Russel Barkley and he does show some data that a huge portion of people believing they have adhd, actually have other disorders.\n\nI am now super curious about those 100% ADHD people.", "I have no reaction to stimulants. Anybody out there experience only a small bump in productivity on stimulants? Tried Ritalin, Adderall and also Adderall with Strattera. The last was the suggestion of my physician as a way to compensate for the stimulant resistance. \n\nNothing has really got me up to \"normal\" in my opinion. So I'm starting to look at other things. Also the stimulants side effects are worrying. So, looking into behavioral modifications, and other items. \n\nSo I guess I'm asking, anyone else experience this? Has anything worked for you? Is there a particular book, method, diet, anything that helped where stimulants failed? Because of the side effects I may have to give up the little help they've provided.\n\nThanks for any replies." ], "top_scores": [ 9.559349060058594, 8.621289253234863, 8.14498519897461, 8.071898460388184, 7.691264629364014 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the critical evaluation and personal experience of pharmacological stimulant treatment for ADHD.", "pearson_r": 0.6974125740179931, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2059, "freq": 0.011463142811654194, "mean_pos": 2.9587562084198, "max_act": 6.48557186126709, "log_density": -1.9406962590866446, "top_texts": [ "- Able to be silly around them and not feel self conscious or judged", "Anxiety and magical thinking (which isn't as fun as it sounds) can mimic paranoia a lot. Psychotic paranoia is all-encompassing and people will take any random stimuli to reinforce their beliefs. This is because the core deficit in schizophrenia is dopamine salience which means that everything, even completely unrelated things, are essentially taken as extremely important bits of information.", "Not officially diagnosed with STPD (yet), but it is on the table with my psych. I have been described in official tests as having disorganized thinking, perceptual abnormalities, mild delusions, paranoia, schizoid traits, possible mild autism.\n\nI brought up things like having a constant \"narrator\", paranoia that I know is based on nothing but still there, extreme trust issues, issues with salience (heightened sense of importance for irrelevant things, and a lowered sense for actually important things), extreme difficulties concentrating due to preoccupation with perception, my own inner dialogue (which is quite disorganized), etc. My therapist is going to have me try a low dose of antipsychotics and if it helps, that would pretty much narrow it down to STPD or at least somewhere on the Schizophrenia spectrum.\n\nAnyway, magical thinking is somewhat \"adjacent\" to disorganized thinking (which is a psychotic symptom) in that you feel a sense of connection between your own thoughts and a sense of control over the outside world in a way that's not sequential. It's kindof like paranoia - believing based on no factual evidence that you are missing something vital or that others are plotting against you or that there's a vague \"greater force\" that's making a chess game of life - except magical thinking doesn't necessarily involve a sense of persecution or alienation.\n\nFor example, you may believe in your gut (even if your rational mind challenges it) that if you think really hard about some future circumstance that you can make it more likely to happen based only on your thinking about it. Say you're planning to move to a new house soon. You may imagine what you want your new house to be like and kindof simulate in your head your life there. You may believe at some level that your imagination is actually reminiscent of an actual house that's out there that you will find and move into some day. Similar with relationships, jobs, cars, things that you have or may happen to you. Everyone has these kinds of thoughts, but what makes it magical thinking is the inability to *fully* realize that your imagination is basically just an abstraction of what you want, instead thinking that it's actually going to happen because you think about it a lot.\n\nSo in this way, it's similar to the feeling that a lot of people with Schizophrenia spectrum traits get that there's a bigger \"plot\" going on in life that they have some kind of inexplicable insight to - like a prescience of sorts. Magical thinking can turn into things like paranoia when there is anxiety or fear attached with it.\n\nBasically a kind of disorganized thought process where one has difficulty fully separating imagination from realistic expectations. Perceiving connections between unconnected things.", "The Happy Girl Her spirit was vibrant, it lit up the room \nOh so contagious, for all to consume \nThey told her she’s charming, charismatic and free, \nHer secret was smile and presently be\n\nShe’s not that unique, just one of a kind \nGoes through her life keeping others in mind \nThis serves her so well, and keeps her at bay \nHer secret was smiling goes a long way", "Limerence is not quite the same thing as aberrant salience (singular). Aberrant salience is an error in predictive processing and is what leads people down the road to hallucinations and delusions, or in the case of STPD to illusions and ideas of reference/magical thinking respectively. Infatuation is an emotion more than it is a salience issue.\n\nI'm not saying you don't have STPD since only a MHP can determine that, but what you're describing in these specific examples is not it." ], "top_scores": [ 6.48557186126709, 5.911962985992432, 5.6951003074646, 5.582902431488037, 5.532374858856201 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical conceptualization and subjective experience of aberrant salience, cognitive distortions, and schizotypal phenomena.", "pearson_r": 0.47894186217778745, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8373, "freq": 0.011713330452384743, "mean_pos": 2.8941125869750977, "max_act": 8.00168514251709, "log_density": -1.9313195673001977, "top_texts": [ "Why? Why and how are people so excited to exist? Idek if this is the right place to ask this, but just curious.", "I’m entirely too curious to ever think of watching my entire life consist of anything other than wonder. Watching my first reactions to things, laughing with myself, thinking oh, that could have been different, analyzing it.", "Lurkers, what is the most surprising thing about Schizophrenia to you? I know many people read this group’s postings that don’t have SZ, so I am curious...what is the most surprising thing to you about Schizophrenia and schizophrenics?", "Seeing a psychotherapist for the first time I went to see my doctor about my depression yesterday, and she told me she was not able to prescribe me meds as Im only 21 (you have to be 25 where I live). She gave me a referral to a psychotherapist, whom can give me meds if she/he thinks that it is necessary. What can I expect from a psychotherapist? How does it work?", "Curiosity because of what a nurse practitioner said to me.. How long have the average lengths of your relationships (girlfriend/boyfriend, etc) been?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.00168514251709, 6.827459812164307, 5.757986068725586, 5.666118144989014, 5.417457103729248 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents an inquisitive or investigative mindset regarding mental health experiences and personal existence.", "pearson_r": 0.41256849850351734, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5957, "freq": 0.01144039848067869, "mean_pos": 2.938196897506714, "max_act": 7.077984809875488, "log_density": -1.941558810400922, "top_texts": [ "Fuck everything Had a fucking breakdown in front of everyone tonight. Fuck you, fuck him, fuck them, fuck my life, fuck absolutely everything", "It’s the severity of the crime basically, felonies you will lose your rights as a citizen if convicted and probably get prison time. Can’t own firearms, can’t vote (in most states). \n\nMisdemeanors are basically slaps on the wrist usually you will get some probation and probably have to pay some fines unless they are domestic in nature then you will have to go to domestic abuse and or anger management classes and be treated like a piece of shit for for awhile. \n\nThey have more ways to ruin your life including forcing you for a psych evaluation that they will use against you if you get diagnosed with something like ASPD they have you coming and going. They will attack your finances, your freedom, your rights, and your mental health what do you have left? They can and will ruin your life and typically the punishment is way worse than the crime you committed. I just wouldn’t go there", "Shit is a curse. I'm tired of the bullshit just take me already ", "What is the point? You have a job. You're a slave, being told when you can eat, per, take your holidays, based on what corporate requires. Your allowed to live because corporate needs you. You're gone the moment they don't.\n\nYou have no job. You're barely living. You probably have just barely enough for food and utilities. Can't socialise, can't indulge in small pleasures (coffee, take out, movies etc). You're a mooch living of someone's taxes. Probably rely a lot on government programs.\n\nThey say the world's there for the taking. You too can start a business and get slaves working under you to make you money while you sleep. Only your perpetuating the same problem. The rich could just provide comfortable living for everyone, but they need there mega yachts and they/they're family worked hard for the money.\n\nWe could all be rich. Except if everyone one was even comfortable, there'd be very little slaves, less meaningless jobs.\n\nI just want a nice little farm in the country and 50k a year to just totter around and relax with my family.", "I'm a foul-mouthed asshole and a dickhead. That's plenty of self-criticism. " ], "top_scores": [ 7.077984809875488, 5.8419108390808105, 5.3793134689331055, 5.216930866241455, 5.113585472106934 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures expressions of intense, aggressive, or nihilistic frustration characterized by the use of profanity and hostile language.", "pearson_r": 0.2774608978100017, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5831, "freq": 0.011463142811654194, "mean_pos": 2.912119150161743, "max_act": 6.234083652496338, "log_density": -1.9406962590866446, "top_texts": [ "Have you tried praying for wisdom as described in James 1:5? \"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But he must ask in faith, without doubting.\"", "I hope that you will find it. That all the people suffering just like you right now will find it. Make yourselves proud, my dudes.", "Buying clothes from a department store Knowing what you went to the store to specifically get in men’s clothing. Arriving at store and looking at various other articles of clothing, appliances, home goods, etc and totally forgetting the original item you went there for. \n\nThen finding a pair of jeans, knowing your size well enough to also know that each size and brand are never the same. So you buy it without trying it on because who has the time to go into the fitting room and all the hassle that goes with it. You figure worse case scenario you just return them for the correct size if they don’t fit. Of course they wind up not fitting. Ok so you’ll return them but 6 plus months go buy and you definitely don’t have the receipt and/or you exceeded the return policy time frame which is more likely the case. \n\nAmazon order? Not exactly what you thought it was gonna be or an article of clothing that doesn’t fit properly? No problems, great return policy. In the back of your mind you know you have 30 days and every couple of days your proud of the fact that your well aware that you have to box it back up and drop it off at the UPS store. Then you just keep putting it off until, oddly enough, you finally say hey I have to do this today because it’s cutting close. I say oddly enough because that’s the day when you discover, as your filling out the return slip, that you missed it by one day. ", "I wish I was as sane and smart as I thought I was when I was going crazy I'd be a genius, the ultimate fighter, the answer to many if not all possible solutions.", "Okay, so I would have to wait a year? It would probably take that long to find a trustworthy psychologist in my area anyway..." ], "top_scores": [ 6.234083652496338, 6.093075275421143, 5.707666397094727, 5.522824764251709, 5.507884979248047 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents expressions of hope, encouragement, or the seeking of guidance and solutions.", "pearson_r": -1.734723475976807e-17, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9263, "freq": 0.008210703482157073, "mean_pos": 4.065288543701172, "max_act": 16.07894515991211, "log_density": -2.0856195786189757, "top_texts": [ "Has anyanyone herd of the manufacturer Lannett for generic adderall? My pharmacy has been out of my script they said due to backorder. They usually get theirs from Teva, but they seem to out a lot which results in me be unmedicated and out of sorts or days... I have went to other pharmacies but being from a rural area pickings are slim. I have experienced headaches with other manufacturers that I dont seem to get with Teva, I never realized that different generic manufacturers put different fillers in and effect you differently. Has anyone else has this issue?", "Got my first script today. Is generic a concern? I finally reached out to my doctor a couple months ago, it's been a process. I received my first script for ADD this morning, 20mg Adderall. I forgot to seek out the name brand and got a generic version, MFG - TEVA. I wanted to establish a baseline first and a little digging around revealed that all Adderall generics aren't created equal. I'm a little concerned the effects may be different. I really want to get this right, and it's all so time consuming.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAny thoughts or input is appreciated. ", "Adderall generic Hi, posted this in r/Adderall, got no response.\n\nI got diagnosed with ADD about 4 months ago and first got prescribed Vyvanse 20mg hoping it’d be long lasting. After a week, the focus I got from the Vyvanse had completely stopped after 2-3 hours. I went back to the doctor and she prescribed me 30mg, same problem, it stopped giving me the focus after 2-3 hours. I recently went in the other day to the doctor and she said she’s going to put me on Adderall XR 20mg, I asked for the generic so that it would be cheaper for me.\n\nMy question is, I’ve heard from friends and from forums that the generic Adderall prescriptions differ in “performance” with each manufacturer. I recently picked up my script from the pharmacy and saw that the manufacturer was Actavis. I was wondering what other people’s experience was with Actavis, is there a certain manufacturer that’s better? I took the pill yesterday and didn’t really feel much from it.", "Zydus brand Adderall: Who has taken this? I can't find anything. I did multiple searches for this and can't find any information. Only one thread on [drugs.com](https://drugs.com) mentioned this brand, Zydus. I can't find anything on reddit.\n\nAnyway I get generics now and have been on Audibino and Sandoz since getting back on it. This month is some brand I never heard of called Zydus. I have looked for reviews online but found little to none. It must be rarely stocked or new to the generic market competition price range.\n\nI thought at first it seemed okay, but these last few days I have been wanting to take naps. My AM dose doesn't hold me until my next dose. When I was on Audibino I had a lot of crashes in between my AM and noon dose, but then Sandoz seemed better, but I also got on Wellbutrin XL at the time, which seems to extend the effectiveness of the Adderall, so I stopped getting crashes and the need to lay down for a nap/rest (I really can't sleep if I nap, I just lie there, trying so hard). That was last month.\n\nThis month I began 1 week ago and my Wellbutrin XL increased, but otherwise everything is the same except the generic brand of Adderall (IR) which I take 30mg 2x a day. I used to take it 3x a day many years ago, and it feels like I need to do that again, which is something I don't really know if my new psych will be okay with, since it may just be generic brand related. It seems to work in about an hour like the others, but it only works for like 2-3 hours MAX, and then I am a tired sleepy person. If I didn't have a 1 & 3 yo, I'd be in bed all morning.\n\nSo has anyone else noticed this generic come up in any pharmacy? I did some reading and a lot of people seem to like Sandoz, which is fine with me, but if Zydus isn't going to work, I'd want to tell my psych to specify a brand to fill it with, or else up my dosing.", "I'm a little anxious about the 3rd brand of medication I'll be on. From Aurobindo (liked), to Malli (hate it) and now Teva (unsure). I'm a 32 year old female. I was diagnosed with ADHD (impulsive) in Sept. 2018. I was prescribed 20mg 2x daily. The manufacturer was Aurobindo. It was working for me well, and I, with it. I was on that for two months when all the pharmacies around ran out of it. I found a pharmacy that had some but the brand was Malli. Same dose, 2x daily.\n\nThis last month on a Malli has been extremely difficult. I could tell by the second day on it this wasn't going to work well. I tried to ignore it and kept plugging along. Old patterns started showing up, I noticed I was spending more time on my phone again, forgetting to get dinner going, priorities tanked again. This morning I looked around and realized the house I worked so hard on the last couple months is starting to fall apart again. Just messy. I even forgot to take my daughter to preschool one day. It just simply isn't working. Don't even get me started on the effectiveness of it around my menstrual cycle. Pptth. \n\nWith Aurobindo sometimes I only had to take half a dose or just one dose for an entire day! Because of that I was able to put some in my safe for emergencies. I've had to dig into those to get me through a few days here and there. \n\nI have an appointment in 2 weeks and I've already been asking the pharmacies what brand do they have now and they are saying Teva.\n\nI am getting anxious about ANOTHER brand. I just want to get back onto something that works. I'm hoping I'll have a better experience on Teva and Malli.\n\nThanks for reading main event. I am also kind of wondering if anyone else has experience a noticeable difference with manufacturers?" ], "top_scores": [ 16.07894515991211, 15.219346046447754, 14.44317626953125, 14.438321113586426, 13.837949752807617 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the efficacy, availability, and brand-specific experiences of ADHD stimulant medications.", "pearson_r": 0.32838967842633715, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6686, "freq": 0.010348670593854482, "mean_pos": 3.2088701725006104, "max_act": 9.19857406616211, "log_density": -1.9851153947950098, "top_texts": [ "He backed me into a corner in the kitchen and kept hitting me. When I fell he stomped on my face and also choked me. I was trying to hit back but he's much bigger than me. When he starting choking me, I bit the holy hell out of his arm to get him off. He surprisingly did, after yelling about how it hurt, then went to finish packing.", "Before I could tell Erik we should go outside he threw me back onto the bed saying, \"yeah, you will make a deal. You will show me everything that you do behind my back, you fucking liar. You are always on your phone talking to guys and now you will show me everything!\" Erik had me on my bed laying pushed against the wall while he laid down on me with his full body weight. His body is so big and heavy it was making it harder and harder for me to breath as he was crushing me.", "He kept the pressure on my throat and I felt as if I was going to die or become unconscious. Erik finally let go only to hit me in my head a few times. I felt very scared from not being able to breath. Every time I tried begging Erik to stop he told me to shut up, that I was not allowed to talk. Erik used my hair as handles to bash my head on the wall at several different times throughout the attack.", "He also tortured me in several other ways, like subduing me and pressing his knee into my temple or heatbutting me in the nose as a way to start a fight. I started taking martial arts and self defense classes and I started retaliating against him, when I was around 15. He'd also hit my mom sometimes and I'd protect her. One time while trying to avoid his chokes I cut my head so bad that blood was gushing all over the room - and when I got him off me, he came back and headbutted me in the nose and tried to choke me again, after which I threw him over the table. The whole room was covered in my blood and he was still relentless.", "And November. And then two weeks ago which resulted in heavy head bruising and another concussion that lasted all of the two weeks. He kneed me repeatedly on the head and kicked me in the face as well as punched me several times. I tried to escape. I tried to get away." ], "top_scores": [ 9.19857406616211, 8.524418830871582, 8.03439712524414, 7.151162624359131, 7.070992469787598 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies descriptions of active physical domestic violence and interpersonal assault.", "pearson_r": 0.47041085297561264, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1005, "freq": 0.007096231264357359, "mean_pos": 4.672746658325195, "max_act": 15.424750328063965, "log_density": -2.148972178199169, "top_texts": [ "I'm on Rexulti which is very similar. They're both newer drugs and they are dopamine partial agonists/antagonists unlike most anti-psychotics which are dopamine antagonists.\n\nI haven't had any side effects like I have with other drugs. Invega made my negative symptoms 10x worse, put me in a horrible fog, and made me suicidal and sleep 14 hours at a time. Latuda gave me unbearable akathisia. Rexulti has had no side effects and if anything helps my negative symptoms a little bit.\n\nVraylar and Rexulti are known to cause a lot fewer side effects like drowsiness, weight gain, and akathisia. If you don't like one you can always try the other. I'd recommend giving Vraylar an honest go.", "Rexulti is an evolved form of abilify. I've noticed a little trouble losing weight but haven't put any on in the last four months or so since starting it. Other than that, no side effects at all, not even the dreaded akathisia.", "I noticed lots of side effects with both invega and latuda. Invega made me foggy and suicidal and latuda made me so restless I wanted to cut my own legs off.\n\nI take rexulti now which gives me a little worse anhedonia and flat affect, or just flat and gray life in general, but no movement related side effects which is all I can ask for. You need to get lucky with insurance to get it covered though.", "I was on Invega for a while and couldn't feel my crotch. Wasn't a fan. I'm on Rexulti now and would probably have put on a ton of weight if not for huge amounts of caffeine and nicotine.", "Rexulti is basically a cleaned up version of abilify with less side effects. I had some acne on it for the first few weeks and then it went away. No akathisia like I've had from other medications." ], "top_scores": [ 15.424750328063965, 14.79088020324707, 14.493348121643066, 14.432398796081543, 14.397923469543457 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the comparative evaluation and side-effect profile of specific antipsychotic medications.", "pearson_r": 0.6766570111041832, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1392, "freq": 0.009438897354834308, "mean_pos": 3.501776695251465, "max_act": 10.884387016296387, "log_density": -2.0250786906950937, "top_texts": [ "Is anyone having any luck treating their depression and anxiety with CBD? I’m really hesitant to go back on antidepressants and wonder if anyone had any luck with CBD...", "Thank you :)\n\nAnd yeah I am still trying to get him to try CBD oil. I probably won't stop bugging him till he tries it for a week.", "I have tried Cbd a lot, especially because I can’t partake in the other. It has done absolutely nothing unfortunately. Thank you for the suggestion though. I am still a huge advocate for it but it just hasn’t helped me at all.", "How many of you have used cbd oil to reat your symptoms? \nSorry for the typo in the title, I am using my phone and I am not good at typing on this thing lol\n\nMy boyfriend is 25, and recently had a psychotic episode where he was seeing people and super paranoid, was spitting out medication, wouldn't sleep.\n\nWe use to smoke pot all the time before this happened, ever since we haven't touched it. \n\nI have been doing a lot of research because after it happened the doctor said it could be schizophrenia symptoms and I read that smoking pot can make it worse. But I also read that cbd oil can help treat symptoms of schizophrenia in some sufferers because it didnt contain the thc, and I was just wondering if anyone had any experience with it? I don't want him to take something that might make it worse. But his doctor also reccomended it to him.\n\nPlease let me know of your full experiences using cbd oil as a valid treatment for your symptoms. I need to know everything I can about it.", "Anyone here treat their illness with CBD? Im looking into it as a possible replacement for Clozapine, has anyone had any success with it?" ], "top_scores": [ 10.884387016296387, 10.496849060058594, 9.55497932434082, 9.430425643920898, 9.397137641906738 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents inquiries and personal experiences regarding the use of CBD as a treatment for mental health symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.34130512750515496, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9258, "freq": 0.010667091227511543, "mean_pos": 3.0846848487854004, "max_act": 8.266268730163574, "log_density": -1.9719539499897614, "top_texts": [ "Constant change in Interests Hello everyone.\n\nHow do you usually settle on a hobby and avoid engaging in multiple ones? Is there any techniques that can useful?\n\nI have a clear problem of jumping from one activity to another impulsively and have never been able to focus on one hobby. Even if I manage to focus on one let's say art, I jump around in the different activities or techniques under it and never finish one. (For example, from silk screening, to jewelery making, to embroidery to drawing to another and so on, I get the materials settle down do my research and loose interest soon after and do another thing).", "Choosing a career path seems impossible I'm a fairly intelligent person, and I pick up things pretty quickly. However, as you may suspect, I also drop them very quickly—or find a new interest that trumps the one I just obsessed over. Thin skin doesn't help, of course. \n\nHow have you struggled with career choice or lack thereof?\n\nWhen choosing careers, what has been the more challenging part? The emotional instability, the lack of a cohesive identity, or the proneness to impulsivity? \n\nWould love feedback from people on the other side of this who have made it out ok. However, I definitely welcome siblings in struggle to share their experiences.", "I seriously cannot decide what I want as a career and it annoys me to no end. I always bounce between ideas when it comes to a career path for myself. I’ve gone from therapist, midwife, early childhood educator, heavy equipment mechanic, professional organizer, life coach, business owner- like see? \n\nThe only constant I ever have is the vision of living in a skoolie (converted school bus/RV home), traveling across Canada with my wife and my daughter. But I need to get there first!\n\nDoes anyone have any advice on how to pick a career? Does anyone have a solid career as an ADHD-PI? I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. \n\nTLDR: I can’t choose a career path because I am interested in too many things. Help. ", "Too many interests (not distractions) This might be a bit of a weird post. I wouldn't call this a \"problem\" but would like to know if there are any similar people around here and their thoughts.\n\nI have a lot of interests. Too many. Last month, I was into learning how to draw. This month, I'm into learning finance and still drawing once in a while. A few months ago, I was into learning some math and physics. And even before that, I did some programming related stuff for a long time. Problem ofcourse is that I'm an expert at nothing. \n\nMy personal pessimistic view is that whenever time comes to become an expert and hence, slower growth and brutal self-criticism, I search for something else that is interesting and get hooked. But it's also not a mere distraction because I do learn, read related books, make flash cards, take notes, etc. But I always end the learning at a beginner-intermediate stage.\n\nI really don't know how to describe how this feels. Maybe these ARE distractions. Once I'm into something, I do lose \"some\" interest in others. While it's all very pleasurable, it does get in the way of mastery and hence professional development.\n\nI'm 25 now and this behavior makes me quite anxious about my future. Would apprreciate even if 1-2 people with similar feeling replied back and discussed their own thoughts.", "I just feel like different parts of myself want different things without knowing what I actually truly want. It's overwhelming. I'm sorry for any language or grammar mistakes since English is not my mother tongue, also I'm typing this on my phone. \n\nFor example: since year 7 in school I wanted to attend art school, which in my country starts in year 11 up until 12 or 13. \nSo when I finally got accepted and got the chance to go I quit after 5 months. I passed the entrance exams twice since I had to redo them once because I had to repeat grade 10. \nThen I started training for a job which normally would have been another 2 years at least. I quit again after around 6 months. \n\nThose things were some things I really wanted in life and I just couldn't do it. I woke up with anxiety and went to bed crying, thinking about going there the next day. \nSince then I hopped from job to job, which has been around 5 years. I'm in the second year of my current job (which is the longest I've been working at the same workplace).\nAll those jobs have been meaningless and also not in fields I really liked - but I came to an arrangement with my current job. \n\nI was thinking about attending university in October but I'm really insecure about my choices since I tend to want different things for different parts of myself without kind of knowing what I truly want - if that makes any sense. \nI'm actually looking forward to it since I see it as a chance for doing something for myself - but I had the same feeling about art school and other jobs.\n\nSame with hobbies and interests. I've always been into art but I lost track or I just can't pick it back up again.\nIt too seems like my interests kind of changed with the person I was seeing or with friends I surrounded myself with - like I was mirroring them. \nNow I'm in a happy relationship for over a year now. Since my partner is into working out I stated working out as well (I wanted to look as good as he looks) but it triggered my disordered eating and my body dysmorphia and I just don't know what to do. I kind of overcame it in the past but it started all over.\nMy partner always reassures me and tries to help me as best as he can but it feels like I'm loosing the ground underneath my feet. \nIt hurts not knowing who I truly am and what I truly want (for myself) - or at least having the feeling of not knowing it.\n\nI just want to achieve something or just have something within myself I'm content with and that I don't question - and finally be able to rest. \nIt feels like a never ending search without really knowing what to look for. \nI'm 25 now and of course I don't think I have to have it all figured out by now but I kind of have an inner pressure or desire to be able to finally find (even just a part of) a path in life." ], "top_scores": [ 8.266268730163574, 7.122755527496338, 7.011197090148926, 6.566764831542969, 6.541666030883789 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of chronic indecision and impulsive shifting between multiple interests or career paths.", "pearson_r": 0.45411479555335266, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9035, "freq": 0.01132667682580117, "mean_pos": 2.8986263275146484, "max_act": 6.35905122756958, "log_density": -1.9458974523159926, "top_texts": [ "\"Fine, you're on your own. I'm done trying to help.\" She said this anytime I tried to do something by myself and, lo and behold, now I have dependent personality disorder.", "Every time I quote a study, I get people saying I'm wrong cause apparently they know more than researchers. If you have that to say take it to my DM's. I'll prove you wrong there too. I'm a diagnosed narcissist who've done his research. I know what I'm talking about", "My nex called me a narc, and it got me looking into it and researching, just incase I was one. Him along with my ex friend/ flatmate,. Once i started researching, everything, every little trait and behaviour of both of theirs that they exhibited or used against me, feel into place. Everything they did and said, made sense. I left that place 3 weeks ago and untill yesterday was still questioning if I wasn't the actual narc because of the trauma and brainwashing they did to me.", "And here I was asking myself if my ex was even a narcissist in the first place. Damn. Guess they all sound alike. 😃", "I make TikToks about what it’s like living with narcissistic personality disorder and the amount of people who ask me if they’re a narcissist is insane. Like my dude go to therapy I don’t know shit about you" ], "top_scores": [ 6.35905122756958, 5.802005767822266, 5.459835529327393, 5.3075995445251465, 5.237760066986084 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions centered on the identification, diagnosis, and interpersonal dynamics of narcissistic personality disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.269194553426538, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7205, "freq": 0.011258443832874656, "mean_pos": 2.8855233192443848, "max_act": 6.064671039581299, "log_density": -1.948521595909762, "top_texts": [ "Active listening and mirroring are pretty good skills to cultivate - you don't have to put much effort into socializing if you're good at listening and deflecting most of the \"work\" onto the other person(s).", "Deprimerend maar tegelijkertijd fascinerend om te lezen, dank voor het delen.", "Reading the other comments here reinforces this optimism for me, since I think that things like the client-centered nature of the relationship or the frequency of the social worker's involvement with a client are things that could be addressed and shaped in a way that benefits both parties.", "Granted, it *is* difficult to deal with the ennui that so often accompanies SzPD - but if this disorder really is a maladaptive product of one's genetics and one's environment, then it only seems logical that people should foster the kind of environment in which the maladaptation is as unlikely to happen as possible.", "You can be either or, anti-social doesn’t mean asocial but it doesn’t necessarily mean your not either. I go out and deal with life and do things but by most peoples standards I’m a hermit. I don’t really like people and don’t like being around them. There are exceptions to this but one of my biggest relationship issues has been my lack of desire to be around people and socialize. I’m ok with it so I don’t see much reason to change I stopped caring what other people think about it a long time ago." ], "top_scores": [ 6.064671039581299, 5.692309379577637, 5.437244892120361, 5.389854907989502, 5.336638927459717 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the analytical or intellectualized discussion of social dynamics, interpersonal strategies, and the conceptual nature of personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.27991241576742437, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9362, "freq": 0.011144722177997134, "mean_pos": 2.8790063858032227, "max_act": 6.222191333770752, "log_density": -1.9529307144211947, "top_texts": [ "Right! ... For me it is a way of creating the attention I need. It usually deminishes when I deal with the reason why I feel neglected or overlooked. \n That is at least my own experience.", "Also, I wasn’t ever really confident. I was just too little to understand things like social norms", "It's sometimes hard for me to correctly gauge how urgent or serious situations are when others are describing them, because my ability to \"empathize\" with others is totally intellectual. I can think my way into someone's shoes, but I don't feel or understand their feelings. \n\nSo, for example, someone will ask me to take over something at work, or whatever, and I often will. To them, it's some bullshit thing they don't feel like doing. To me, work is important, because money and steady work are my access to personal security. So in that way, yeah. I'm a pushover. Easily manipulated in some ways.\n\nI'm also pretty agreeable, generally, for the most part. I'm not fussed by much.\n\nBut if someone is directly in my face and confrontational, or pushing boundaries? I'm not a pushover. In fact, I got in some trouble as a kid for escalating a situation with another boy out of proportion. Again, it was because my ability to gauge his intentions was hindered by my lack of empathy, so I didn't realize he was bluffing.", "The other 5% is when I feel people see me at less than my best. They see every little imperfection and shortcoming. It makes me feel quite vulnerable, paranoid, and defensive. I have not yet found a way to handle this.", "Missing social cues So I previously thought that I was better at reading social cues and politeness from text because I can slow down and understand/pay attention to the content of the message better. I am beginning to get the impression that this is not the case. I’m really no better at reading situations online than I am in person which I have known for a long time I am bad at and thought was primarily a result of my propensity to get excited about a thought I had as a result of part of someone else’s comments and not be able to muster the focus/emotional attachment to the rest of their commentary to hear them out and resist sharing. \nNow I’m beginning to realize it might run deeper than this (and am feeling like an asshole) and am wondering if anyone else here has experience with this/any techniques for overcoming it? Thanks much!" ], "top_scores": [ 6.222191333770752, 6.040063381195068, 5.322381496429443, 5.184007167816162, 5.006861686706543 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents difficulties with social cognition, emotional empathy, and self-perception in social contexts.", "pearson_r": 0.4818694246524267, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 963, "freq": 0.010416903586780995, "mean_pos": 3.079353094100952, "max_act": 8.056344032287598, "log_density": -1.9822613137231406, "top_texts": [ "Your doctor is an asshole. There are many medications that can help people with fibro. And there are many supplements that can help our symtoms as well. Look through the fibro sub and you will find posts that have many different medications and supplements mentioned because they help and for the most part they work. He is not wrong that exercise helps. Buuut there is the caveat that it can also hinder as well if not done properly or done too much or too quickly. But it is certainly for most people not the 'best thing' and medication should always be an option", "Diagnosed 5 years ago? But have had fibro for 9 and just put off diagnosis since I was 'handling it'. I'm not always in pain, but my normal baseline is about a 2/3 on a good day - main pain points are my neck, shoulders and lower back. But becuase I'm so use to it, my body doesn't always recognise it. I am on near daily pain meds though. But I do have severe pressure pain sensitivity and was the worst my specialist had seen in that regard... Even light touch can be very painful and medium touch can leave bruises. The newer pain in my ankles, wrists and hands comes and goes but has gotten so bad I couldn't use my hands without opiates. Everyone's fibro is different, but it sounds like it could be fibro, I would definitely not ignore long lasting or severe pain, and talking to your doctor about fibro could be good. - my other main symptom for this illness that I have is fatigue, and that is really severe.", "Fibro is an umbrella term, but I personally didn't need to get tested for anything else. I fit the diagnostic criteria for fibro perfectly. Do other people potentially get an incorrect diagnosis? Sure, that happens alot with quite a few different illnesses. Does it mean fibro does not exist by itself. Absolutely not.", "I have fibro, and got long covid and was told by my gp and pain specialist there's literally nothing they can do. - this now means I'm on heavy pain killers, that's it - that's all they can do - otherwise I'm on my own,", "I am glad I have my fibro diagnosis, as people believe me when I say I'm in pain. But now. Every single pain I have gets attributed to it, unless it is super severe and ongoing, and even then it takes me being in severe pain for months for them to finally look into it. ( last time it happened, I had severe pain everytime I walked too fast or much, which was almost every day, for over 3 months before they finally looked into it)" ], "top_scores": [ 8.056344032287598, 7.3803791999816895, 7.157264709472656, 7.012029647827148, 6.932590007781982 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the lived experience and medical navigation of fibromyalgia.", "pearson_r": 0.5751337815683006, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8360, "freq": 0.009598107671662838, "mean_pos": 3.3310019969940186, "max_act": 12.447629928588867, "log_density": -2.0178143372087307, "top_texts": [ "Tremors and the Flu My first post here, hi. I recently came down with the flu and have been in bed, which seems to have worsened my symptoms. Just curious if anyone else has been sick and had tremors or other physical things amplify. ", "Flu depression So I caught the flu on Tuesday and went down hill rather fast. I feel so hopeless cause this is the 5th semester in a row that I’ve been sick with something that puts me out of class for a week or more. My semester was going so good before this, I was eating healthy and working out and taking my vitamins but non the less I still got sick. Now I’ve miss an upper level physics lab, my first exam, a calc 2 quiz and upwards of 10 homework assignments. I feel like there’s no hope that I’ll ever have a good health semester. Now I feel like I’ll have to drop out of this semester because I can already feel myself getting pneumonia due to my asthma but my doctors never believe me until I can’t walk to the bathroom without getting outta breath. I just feel so hopeless", "DAE get incredibly emotional while sick? I’ve been fighting an awful cold or flu for about a week now. I have barely been able to get out of bed. For some reason, when i’m sick, I always get emotional. I cry at everything and I hole up and refuse to engage in anything. I also always let my apartment get messy. A factor in it could also be that I ran out of my prescriptions and haven’t taken my medication in a week. This is my first time getting since sick starting treatment and getting diagnosed. I feel so alone and unloved because no one has really been here to care for me. I hope I make sense, i’ve been spiraling all day and trying to get myself under control. \n\nDoes anyone else feel like this?", "Not really depressed this week, but I am sick . . . I was diagnosed with the flu on Tuesday. My son's also been home from school due to weather, and my husband's home from work also due to the weather. Because I'm sick, I've fallen behind on housework and my *own* work (I proof for pay for a court reporting firm and when I don't work, I don't *get* paid!)", "I know the flu vaccine changes every year depending on the most virulent strains, and due to having asthma, I get it free in my country. I have gotten the flu shot for the last 10 years due to my health, this includes all the years I've had fibro, yet this is the first year it's made my fibro flare, with pain that has lasted nearly 12 hours, at this stage, with no look of giving up, where as all previous years have caused me 3-4hours of pain max, and only in the effected area, its never effected my entire body like this before. Has anyone else had a similar experience this year?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/Fibromyalgia/comments/glyjti/flu_vaccine_effects_making_my_fibro_flare_for_the/" ], "top_scores": [ 12.447629928588867, 9.983569145202637, 9.202354431152344, 8.736115455627441, 8.68166446685791 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological and physical distress associated with experiencing acute illness.", "pearson_r": 0.6847821213147407, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3796, "freq": 0.010621602565560533, "mean_pos": 2.996148109436035, "max_act": 5.680538177490234, "log_density": -1.9738099119643708, "top_texts": [ "Synchronicity is weird, and some coincidences in my life have seemed so beyond plausibility that I do, for a time, convince myself that I have an influence over it.\n\nI think the finest example of this was when my brother was going on about moon phases and its impact on fate. He told me to write something I wanted down and it would come true the next day. I brushed it off as magical thinking and wrote down \"chocolate\". The very next day, as I walked through campus, a girl came up to me offering free chocolate to broadcast some opening of a service the school was providing. I was dumbfounded, and got pretty intensely interested in the purported effects of the lunar cycle on the body and on reality for some time.\n\nObviously, it was absolute lunacy. I realized that later. But when things just line up in a way that seems ridiculous or implausible, I think we're predisposed to looking deeper into it than it really deserves. I still get hung up over thoughts overlapping with reality on occasion, if I read about some thing or concept that's rarely discussed and suddenly somebody around me brings it up without me doing so first. I'll have thoughts that I'm psychically influencing the world, but I do my best to keep myself earthbound and just consider it a bemusing coincidence.", "The thing is, I would have to be careful about how I explain it; not just to make sure that they don't jump to conclusions, but also to make sure that I'm comfortable with disclosure. It might not ever happen, but if it does, I've run through countless fantasies of how it could play out.", "Dopo la solita tiritera del non ce lo raccontano mi disse che i desaparecidos erano stati mandati sulla luna in una base segreta come forza lavoro. Disse di aver scritto un libro al riguardo ma nessuno aveva il coraggio di pubblicarglielo.", "I'm banking on the same thing, honestly - hoping that mental health awareness will have developed well enough that hospice workers will respect my desire to spend my winter years holed up in a room with an internet connection and whatever games I can still play", "The thing is, I was having such difficulty verbally expressing my difficulties beforehand, so it was kind of inevitable that I would do my own research to try and connect the dots about what I was actually experiencing. However I always tried to keep in mind that I could be wrong in my suspicions, and still today, I try to remain open." ], "top_scores": [ 5.680538177490234, 5.661288738250732, 5.627357006072998, 5.56035041809082, 5.5292744636535645 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal process of constructing, rehearsing, or rationalizing complex personal narratives to make sense of one's reality or experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.08762495465409771, "pred_f1": 0.5833333333333334 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8385, "freq": 0.011349421156776673, "mean_pos": 2.7887327671051025, "max_act": 5.519115447998047, "log_density": -1.9450262495291593, "top_texts": [ "i’m on doxycycline now for the next 2 months but i don’t want it to get worse i know thats the process but i already wanna call off work every day", "Yeah I get that too. And after doing something I suddenly realise I was doing that and then the doubts come of whether I was wasting my time with that activity or deserved to feel burden-free for that time.", "I just Googled my symptoms Said some shit about lung cancer or something which probably isnt true at all but what's great about being in a state of depression is that you dont give a fuck if you die! Therefor I cant worry about anything hahaha ", "I dont know what to do \n\nHonestly, there's moments where i want to cry but i hold them in. Idk if i'm happy going to college or maybe its the major i choose (computer engineering) which makes me unhappy. Idk if i should keep doing it since i dont know what else to do. Nothing really appeals to me i just find things interesting. i was thinking about not doing college at all, but i cant work and i just dont want to spend my life inside my house. its the first time ive ever felt like this. Many other people have more serious problems than mine, but imjust hoping for... i dont know at this point.", "Is this depression or anxiety? I dont find much things enjoyable and dont care if im home all day laying in bed.\n\nI walk around with no engery and dony enjoy life.\n\nI also wake up and start to worry 24.7 about random stuff and cant help it and it drives me crazy to the point I feel sick to my stomach.\n\nThanks" ], "top_scores": [ 5.519115447998047, 5.341466426849365, 5.228513240814209, 5.1391377449035645, 4.954582214355469 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures expressions of existential distress, pervasive apathy, and uncertainty regarding one's mental state or life direction.", "pearson_r": 0.4131891861814502, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6551, "freq": 0.0074828848909409326, "mean_pos": 4.218774318695068, "max_act": 12.017712593078613, "log_density": -2.125930877429984, "top_texts": [ "Det kunne han sagtens forstå. Han ville anbefale mig at være yderst opmærksom på om mit forbrug ændrede sig over tid og om det hand sammen med ændringer i mit helbred.", "Jeg flyttede til Horsens i 2015 og boede der i tre år. Jeg var ude og inde af den ambulante psykose afdelingen de år. Kan det være der vores veje har krydset? Jeg mindes ikke at vi har snakket. Som sagt virkede du bare bekendt, særligt dit smil :)", "Et godt råd er at være meget forsigtig med doseringen. Mængden af THC i jeres produkt afhænger naturligvis af doseringen. Jeg lagde ud med 0,1 gram tørret blomst (Nordic Light auto). Da THC bliver metaboliseret i leveren når man spiser det, så er der en forsinket effekt på 1-2 timer. Effekten varer også længere og man kan opleve hallucinationer ved høje doser. Personligt oplever jeg tid- og rumforvrægninger ved højere doser.", "De var heller ikke specielt skarpe da jeg var tilknyttet der og var faktisk en af årsagerne til at jeg var ved at begå selvmord. Jeg gav det et sidste skud og fandt en privat psykolog efter jeg forlod psykiatrien i Horsens og har formået at stoppe med antipsykotisk fordi jeg har lært mere om mig selv og min sygdom. Desværre er der ofte meget fokus på mestringsstrstegier og håndtering af nu og her problematikker i psykiatrien generelt, så de store linjer og mål godt kan blive glemt. Jeg var 8 år i psykiatrien og ikke en eneste havde spurgt indtil min barndom og opvækst for at give mig forståelsen for hvorfor jeg er som jeg er. Jeg håber at du trives med det og har nogle gode behandlere :)", "Nemt er det ikke og man skal igennem en utrolig mængde møg før man ser lyset for enden af tunnelen. Desværre er det sjældent psykiatrien der kan hjælpe med det." ], "top_scores": [ 12.017712593078613, 11.867813110351562, 10.999078750610352, 10.219486236572266, 10.210641860961914 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures experiences with the public psychiatric healthcare system and clinical treatment processes in Denmark.", "pearson_r": 0.491235932432412, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3976, "freq": 0.010689835558487047, "mean_pos": 2.933758497238159, "max_act": 5.622762680053711, "log_density": -1.9710289348557517, "top_texts": [ "Like sure, it's caused me to be hyper vigilant when it comes to being on time, so im never late to doctor appointments, but I also left without my medical binder 🙃", "If you are a forgetful person and forget to take your meds set a reminder on your phone and keep it on! This has helped me alot recently!", "It's really just standard-issue big corporation stuff. My direct manager slaps together the scheduling for our dept. at the last minute because she's overworked, and she's overworked because it's cheaper to make her do enough work for 2/3 people than to just open up an assistant position. I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm going off my medication because I can't make the appointments I need; my weekly schedule is a complete dice roll.", "Voice is a big one for me. I can’t explain why either, I think it’s down to communication as it’s important in a relationship.", "My phone is a prepaid phone through Virgin Mobile, but it's the only way I have to communicate with my doctors and lawyer and with my workers comp benefits being cut, I cannot afford the money for the $45 phone card. I've been trying to sell everything of value that we own to pay bills,but I haven't been able to come up with enough foot my cell phone. My phone will be off on March 2nd. And If anyone could help, I'd be forever grateful. Thank you in advance!" ], "top_scores": [ 5.622762680053711, 5.418100357055664, 5.4171319007873535, 5.38510799407959, 5.34423303604126 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of executive functioning challenges and practical life management strategies.", "pearson_r": 0.15993198096390948, "pred_f1": 0.5833333333333334 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3486, "freq": 0.00793777151045102, "mean_pos": 3.928572177886963, "max_act": 10.520055770874023, "log_density": -2.1003013517467597, "top_texts": [ "I'm aware. I'm saying I don't think this would be helpful for intrusive thoughts.", "you might not be able to ever fully get rid of intrusive thoughts but you can lessen them and lessen the power they have over you.", "Every definition of intrusive thoughts online say they are unwanted and distressing. Please literally Google it, like I just did, since you claimed I was biased. That's the literal definition.", "Sounds like she might be right. The difference between an auditory hallucination and an intrusive thought is audibility. An auditory hallucination sounds like an actual person talking to you and are usually external, though some are internal but still physically audible.", "Anyone with ADHD have any experience dealing with intrusive thoughts? Title pretty much says it all. These thoughts honestly be immobilizing at times and seem to get in the way of a lot of new relationships for me. Combining intrusive thoughts with ADHD seems to me a horrible concoction, so does anyone have any advice on helping these thoughts pass through your mind, and not grabbing onto every “oh X person hates you because of (insert BS reason)”?" ], "top_scores": [ 10.520055770874023, 10.432830810546875, 10.104353904724121, 9.812883377075195, 9.536907196044922 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and discussion of intrusive thoughts.", "pearson_r": 0.8629070443612519, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3793, "freq": 0.01091727886824209, "mean_pos": 2.8459055423736572, "max_act": 5.964774131774902, "log_density": -1.9618855562622748, "top_texts": [ "Things can get a lot more complicated but most likely the loss of structure and a new environment combo.", "Losing control. Does anyone else get this? Does anyone else get these mental breakdowns where you completely lose control and usually get really mad and stuff? Where you're definitely not being yourself. After I'm done losing my mind I usually can't even remember what I said and feel like those words weren't mine. And this isn't just anger.", "To the receipt checkers at Costco... I don’t know how I manage to lose my receipt in the 90 foot walk from the checkout to the exit doors but I do... EVERY single time. At least I was able to find today’s receipt jammed in my pocket and I didn’t have to have it reprinted at customer service. Progress.", "Ah, yes I thought of that one too. It's just a bit too literal in its use of the expression 'cost an arm and a leg'. Assuming you'll fully heal, you can get out of a bear trap numerous times. You can only cut off about three limbs though, and every time you do so you come out weaker. However, by trying to learn about the pitfalls of a personality disorder the aim is to come out at least as strong as before.", "Feeling lost and empty again out of nowhere It just came to me like suddenly and it’s been more than half a day. Sucks that even the person I’m closest to atm doesn’t realize it coz usually he’s receptive about my behaviour from the way I talk. Feel so shit right now and I want to talk to someone yet I don’t coz I feel so tired and exhausted of myself.\n\nIt’s a lonely feeling." ], "top_scores": [ 5.964774131774902, 5.818033695220947, 5.735791206359863, 5.446897029876709, 5.415306568145752 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of losing control, coherence, or orientation in one's immediate mental or physical state.", "pearson_r": 0.5607782560409358, "pred_f1": 0.782608695652174 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 306, "freq": 0.011031000523119613, "mean_pos": 2.812093734741211, "max_act": 6.273383140563965, "log_density": -1.9573850554457062, "top_texts": [ "Your point is, you don’t want to admit you’re unhealthy? You might not be in danger, but you have to admit it’s not healthy.", "and you're in a bad place now aren't you? If you want to stay in a toxic relationship and being unhappy I can't stop you, but I will say it will only get worse.", "But yeah, it's really f\\*cked up and I wish you strength and wisdom. It's a right mess when it comes down to it and it wasn't of your own making either.", "As someone who’s been there (isolated and able to binge) it’s not as fun as it sounds, cause you can never escape from you", "She is admitting what she did wrong. You’re in the wrong place if that is your advice… you seem like you just wanted to be rude, which is sort of nuts to want a stranger in crisis to feel worse. I think you the need therapy." ], "top_scores": [ 6.273383140563965, 5.418651103973389, 5.318518161773682, 5.166880130767822, 5.154572486877441 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies confrontational or critical interpersonal feedback directed at another person's behavior or mental state.", "pearson_r": 0.3527247363400363, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10165, "freq": 0.010007505629221916, "mean_pos": 3.0892345905303955, "max_act": 9.608150482177734, "log_density": -1.9996741135352687, "top_texts": [ "Keystone habits! Great point. Exercise is definitely my top keystone habit for all the reasons you listed. That’s why I find I need it ever though I still lose weight by being sedentary. Life is so much happier and healthier for me when I workout regularly.", "Exercise. All other habits build off of this one for me. It makes me happier, cognitively sharper, more mentally agile, and provides me with more self-discipline. It keeps me in shape, helps me to eat healthier, and sleep better at night.", "Lifestyle factors that help to combat depression. Are you aware of any good habits that can help you to eliminate depression? Which habits help you to feel better?", "It's all a matter of keeping it in check with daily exercise, healthy diet, a regular sleep pattern and self awareness.", "· Did your parent/parents not provide healthy meals or enough daily exercise or activities? · Why didn’t you change the habits when you became of age? · Do you cook? · Are you too busy? · Have you made a daily planner of your day to be able to notice where you have an opportunity to be able to prep meals and cook more?" ], "top_scores": [ 9.608150482177734, 9.544707298278809, 7.898236274719238, 7.6709370613098145, 7.521920204162598 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the promotion of lifestyle interventions and healthy habits as foundational tools for mental well-being and self-regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.3308168834617357, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7314, "freq": 0.01023494893897696, "mean_pos": 3.0002174377441406, "max_act": 8.035554885864258, "log_density": -1.9899142772104872, "top_texts": [ "I suppose so, yeah. That if I *would* -hypothetically- be able to feel like one or the other it would be that.", "If I actually knew what others were thinking, my life would be all that much easier.", "And as far as my reaction if someone started flirting with me... I think I'd be terrified (lol) and extremely uncomfortable now.", "I would have finished college and had a career of some kind... or at the very least, A job.", "I would have called him out and spent the whole day fighting with myself over whether to be deeply disturbed or deeply flattered." ], "top_scores": [ 8.035554885864258, 7.830618381500244, 7.25327205657959, 6.359264373779297, 6.083576202392578 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents hypothetical, counterfactual, or speculative self-reflection regarding past or future scenarios.", "pearson_r": 0.47600369819694444, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9900, "freq": 0.009302431368981281, "mean_pos": 3.2822492122650146, "max_act": 7.53924560546875, "log_density": -2.0314034787248647, "top_texts": [ "In regards to exercises, bilateral tapping techniques, grounding sensory objects like spiky wooden balls, scents I can carry around and grounding techniques like labelling senses (5,4,3,2,1 technique, 5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I can feel/touch, 2 things I smell, 1 thing I can taste)", "Remind yourself that you are safe and ground yourself. What is actually happening in this present moment? Mindfulness exercises work sometimes, like any skill it takes a while to get good at", "Also, regular exercise somehow really helps me. I think my self esteem is a lot higher when I get the chance to do my sport. I have injured myself a lot recently, and while I was not able to exercise, I had a lot more issues with HPD.", "Exercise is great and a lot of people recommend it here but eating well is also one of the other important things we can do for yet often overlook. I canNOT stress enough how important diet is for not just your physical but also mental well-being. I'm only in my mid30s but it is SHOCKING to see how many peers I knew growing up are getting weird diseases that used to be rare or unheard of like multiple sclerosis. Eat whole foods, avoid eating things that come in a box, try to keep it as natural as possible.", "That plus getting my exercise, sleep and diet in check really helped out mentally." ], "top_scores": [ 7.53924560546875, 7.443281173706055, 7.393606662750244, 7.377531051635742, 6.85575008392334 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the promotion of lifestyle-based self-regulation and grounding techniques for mental health management.", "pearson_r": 0.47166207019225753, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2978, "freq": 0.010030249960197421, "mean_pos": 3.0210824012756348, "max_act": 8.042017936706543, "log_density": -1.998688200652023, "top_texts": [ "As far as I've been able to tell there is no upside to schizophrenia. People are supposed to be able to tell the difference between internal ideas and external reality, we often lack the ability to do that. We will actively ignore external stimuli in favor of reacting to internal stimuli as though it is real. That's a problem.\n\nAny advantage that there might be, such as active imaginations and thinking outside box, are found plenty enough in people without this condition. Sorry to be the pessimist here.", "Is there any advantage in having adhd? Hi guys, i just want to know if there are certain advantages in having adhd.", "Benefits of adhd In my experience my adhd feels more like a benefit because i often come up with new idea's or have more energy than others. It also feels like certain senses are enhanced compared to \"normal\" people,especially when i suddenly hear something move. So do any of you have stories that make you love your adhd?", "A lot of these \"strengths\" are considered bad to the public as a whole but I still feel they are strengths.", "DAE recognize what parts of their BPD make them unique in positive ways? I know that recently, things have been difficult to process/deal with during this virus issue and I know since we already deal with BPD on a daily basis, things could feel worse right now. So, I'd like to put a discussion together to get us to see some positivity through our darkness as a reminder to ourselves that we are not our BPD and that there are a lot of traits that come along with it that actually make us really good fucking people. \n\nOne thing I know is for certain, my BPD has allowed me to strengthen my skills of being empathetic and I find that (even though I have bouts of isolation from others) it makes me a very loyal friend and it makes it easy for me to understand my staff at work which makes them happy to work with me. \n\nWhat's your positive angle on BPD? \n\nLove you all!!" ], "top_scores": [ 8.042017936706543, 7.995243549346924, 7.268793106079102, 7.148468494415283, 7.077870845794678 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the exploration or identification of potential strengths, advantages, or unique positive attributes associated with a mental health condition.", "pearson_r": 0.4883377600447589, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5914, "freq": 0.010098482953123935, "mean_pos": 2.995866537094116, "max_act": 6.340471267700195, "log_density": -1.995743820297799, "top_texts": [ "got account permanently suspended over a technicality while i was trying to help someone be more positive, all the while i was receiving tons of positive karma\n\nthis is coming from someone who has tried to kill himself multiple times\n\nwhoever the fuck you were, mod, karma will come your way", "Often, it isn't until they discuss the case in supervision, that the supervisor will point out that this might be happening. That's *why* they have supervision. My sister is a psychologist and told me about this phenomenon.", "Mood Swings! Can We Talk About Those- And To What Extent They Are (Or Are Not) Related To ADHD? I rapid cycle a lot from top of the world euphoric to empty and depressed, I'm going to get evaluated soon as they've been pretty bad recently bordering on very bad. I don't know how much of this is ADHD and how much may be a co-morbidity or my Vyvanse medication, so I thought I'd ask... Do you guys go from high to low a lot?/ Is This At All ADHD?", "(I have cyclothymia btw, so my cycles are also short lived, but still extreme)", "bros making fun of homophobes and then gets mad people call him gay; mmmmmm buddy that's internalized homophobia right there. Why are you mad about being called gay like it's a bad thing. tried so bad to make his own D Club and missed the point of the original one" ], "top_scores": [ 6.340471267700195, 5.629262924194336, 5.579283237457275, 5.5524444580078125, 5.512138843536377 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the presence of diagnostic labeling, clinical terminology, or self-categorization regarding mental health conditions.", "pearson_r": -0.3481196368938348, "pred_f1": 0.43478260869565216 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 794, "freq": 0.00814247048923056, "mean_pos": 3.7020068168640137, "max_act": 13.341034889221191, "log_density": -2.089243753437516, "top_texts": [ "Here goes nothing..... Today I got prescribed Klonopin while currently in CBT. I was prescribed .5mg 3x a day every 6 hours and I’m kinda scared but I’m at a dead end. Nothing and when I say nothing I mean NOTHING has worked so far, medication/therapy wise. I was holding off from Benzos unless I got to this point but here we are.... wish me luck!\n\n(Withdrawal gonna be some scary shit lol)", "Benzodiazepine addiction and psychosis I really fucked up guys, I thought at first that I would temporarily use Xanax and klonopin until my antipsychotics were ready at the pharmacy, but they keep telling me they don’t have abilify right now. I’m up to 2mg of klonopin and 2mg of Xanax a day+ now for about a month and a half. today I thought to try and start weaning off and I can feel the psychosis coming back. I don’t even know what’s going on at the pharmacy and I’m running low on pills and benzo withdrawals+returning psychosis is scaring the shit out of me. Can anyone help\nMe decide what to do. I’m laying in bed having a panic attack and my vision is starting to get all fucky again ", "I only read the title, I didn't see it needed to be a long-term solution 😅 I'm prescribed all benzo as needed", "If you have a choice just use the benadryl. In my experience benzos are a bait and switch for mental problems. They make you feel cured for three hours but each time it wears off you're a little more anxious than the last time and it adds up. Even if you aren't taking them for anxiety I would bet money that inter-dose withdrawal would cause it.", "I feel so worthless on those days. I guess I just needed to vent to a community that will hopefully understand, and see if anyone else had any similar experiences. I had PTSD for almost a year before going on benzos, but it wasn't until I was put on benzos (and then stupidly chose to continue a do-it-yourself habit) that my mind just happily dissociated - I barely remember the last year. PTSD often = dp/dr, benzos often = dp/dr, and benzo withdrawal (which many helpful internet sites say can last months or even years, yay) often = dp/dr. What in the fuck have I done to myself?" ], "top_scores": [ 13.341034889221191, 13.030058860778809, 11.866498947143555, 11.709948539733887, 11.22989273071289 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the use, experience, and risks associated with benzodiazepine medication for mental health management.", "pearson_r": 0.8272767611153811, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3052, "freq": 0.009370664361907794, "mean_pos": 3.2164509296417236, "max_act": 9.321907043457031, "log_density": -2.0282295710390192, "top_texts": [ "I don't know what's going on with my nervous system... Dunno if this is the right place to put this but whatever. At this point I'm sold on going to a neurologist to get my nerves checked out, because it seems like they are slowly getting damaged. I don't know what's going on so I suspect the worst of it. \n\nIt's like my health is slowly deteriorating. But that's what I should've seen coming, right? I don't eat fruits and vegetables so this is expected. I don't know. I don't want these problems. 2019 is absolutely the worst year of my entire life. I've bren unlucky this whole year. Hope everyone is being happy and living their life to the fullest. I'll just be laying here on my phone. \n\nMost neurological disorders have no cure so there's that. No hope to get better then for me. No known illness to associate with my symptoms. No depression, no anxiety, and then still my nerves keep getting worse. No hope for me.", "Is it related to nerves? Did you have symptoms like mine?", "The nerve pain, well……..doctor says we don’t know so we aren’t going to do anything about it (yeah idk)", "I (19m) have ADHD as well. I mainly do it cause when I get bored its just satisfying and entertains my brain i guess. I never know what else to do with my hands. \nI've been picking the skin off around my nails and biting my nails for as long as I can remember. Id regularly just make my fingers bleed in class but it was never a concern to me or anyone.\nWell it got worse with time till my fingers were like constantly raw and hurt.\nI've been doing it to my lips for awhile these past few weeks. Everytime they scab I just instinctively reach to pick off the scab and my lips bleed again.", "I’m wondering if anyone has gotten neuropathy from Topamax as that seems that’s what I have now." ], "top_scores": [ 9.321907043457031, 8.71996784210205, 8.154675483703613, 7.526575565338135, 7.474768161773682 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Physical sensations and somatic symptoms related to nerve pain or dermatillomania.", "pearson_r": 0.36903270936771526, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 613, "freq": 0.007983260172402029, "mean_pos": 3.7613236904144287, "max_act": 8.540604591369629, "log_density": -2.097819662551867, "top_texts": [ "same, its even better that im trans and ill never look like an average cis female does! :D (kill me) ", "Transgender School Rumors I’ve been dealing with this rumor that a popular guy told a girl, and the girl told other guys, and now the rumor has gotten around. I’m now a senior in high school and the rumor started last year when I was a junior. My life was perfect before.\n\nThe rumor is that I’m a male to female transgender and that I have a penis. \n\nIt has ruined any possible friendships I could’ve formed with males at my school and I often hear people whispering about me. \n\nA couple weeks ago, I heard this guy saying “trans, trans, trans” around his friends when I was walking past them. \n\nI often wear a fanny pack now because the little bulge thingy on the zipper that shows up when I wear jeans just fuels the rumors. \n\nActually, my teacher fueled the rumors Friday when I said “here” quietly during attendance and she said “that wasn’t your voice, it sounded too deep!” And went on to make a deep, masculine sounding voice to mimick me. And you already know how this is gonna turn out Monday.\n\nThis rumor is just ruining my life. No one wants to talk to me other than the friends I already have now, and I can’t believe people believe this rumor. \n\nAny advice on how to fix this, or is the damage already done?", "You don't need to make changes to your appearance to be trans. I'm not suggesting you don a new label overnight, but if you're saying you don't really feel cis, and you experience dysphoria, that kinda makes you trans. ", "It's moving more towards \"you're not real trans if you don't try to pass\". It's high on the list of things that makes me angry about trans-trans gatekeeping for a plethora of reasons. ", "/uj I'm a trans person and I've had to play cis for basically my entire life. Why aren't they casting me" ], "top_scores": [ 8.540604591369629, 8.183309555053711, 8.122056007385254, 8.1214017868042, 7.925729751586914 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the lived experience and social challenges of transgender identity.", "pearson_r": 0.4554939107284396, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4926, "freq": 0.008688334432642664, "mean_pos": 3.448045253753662, "max_act": 7.706971645355225, "log_density": -2.0610634205206937, "top_texts": [ "Feeling invisible is the worst Hate when no one texts back. Such a blow to self esteem, even when I try to use logic and reason, my self esteem still takes a hit.\nNeeding other people so much makes me feel weak, and I hate hate hate that. I wish I could be stronger. \nMaybe it's just time to go to bed.", "Also, regular exercise somehow really helps me. I think my self esteem is a lot higher when I get the chance to do my sport. I have injured myself a lot recently, and while I was not able to exercise, I had a lot more issues with HPD.", "Anyway, my main point was the fact that a lot of books seem to villainize us a lot and I think it genuinely hurt my self-esteem and made me feel even more guilty about myself.", "Depression, anxiety, and ptsd make people disappear. I just want someone who understands. I have been going to therapy for a few months now. We have worked on the ptsd part for a bit. Now we digging into my self esteem issue. My self esteem has ran people off. As well as, me pushing them away because I don’t want them too close. So I feel like either way I am screwed until I work better in that area of my life. \n\nI know that people get sick of me. Especially, since I don’t have really anyone that wants to talk to me anymore. I am trying to fix my mistakes. I can’t change the past, but I can pick up pieces that I have messed up. \n\nThe people I have connected with bluntly told me one, they can’t talk to me anymore because of etc. two. I just don’t know what else to do anymore. Three. Just stop talking to me, like best friend for years. \n\nI don’t think I have had one person that has consider me as their best friend. I never will at this point.\n\nI just wanted to be cared about at the end of the day. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t here. Flashes of red will come be in my head with me different places of me being dead. But I don’t want anyone to clean up the mess.\n\nI just want to lay in bed and cry for hours until I can’t anymore. I just to lay in bed and stare at the wall. I don’t have much motivation for much anymore. ", "If you have NPD and don’t think self esteem is a think then god damn I’m jealous of you" ], "top_scores": [ 7.706971645355225, 7.580648422241211, 7.387849807739258, 7.3744964599609375, 7.347803592681885 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the explicit internal struggle with self-esteem and its impact on personal worth and interpersonal relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.37470226945651985, "pred_f1": 0.6923076923076923 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2576, "freq": 0.009802806650442378, "mean_pos": 3.0540332794189453, "max_act": 9.397785186767578, "log_density": -2.0086495189545253, "top_texts": [ "To apologise is to admit fault. I'm only going to do that if I clearly did something wrong but that rarely happens. It's easy to say stuff which almost feels like an apology but isn't, so often you'll get that.\n\n\"I didn't like it when you did X\"\n\"Okay, I'll try not to do X around you\"", "You don't look down on people who say they're sorry? I didn't know apologizing for things earned you respect; I always saw it as you admitting your subservience and demeaning yourself in the social order. The occasional apology is necessary, but the more you apologize, the weaker you are.", "BPD affect your ability to apologize? My bf of a year brought up that he rarely hears me apologize, he blamed that on bpd...as he does a lot of other things 🙄. I do things to correct mistakes instead of just apologizing. I grew up that way. \nToday's instance was when i got home from work I immediately laid down. I've been exhausted from either my growing depression (almost 2 years since mom died suddenly), or thyroid not being treated correctly. He came downstairs saying that it must be nice to just go to sleep to avoid feeling guilty for not taking responsibility, and left to clean out the car. You can imagine the NEW guilt that left me and the SI that I completed. \nI cleaned up the house, his messes, left him notes. Started writing in my journal and he got home and the beginning happened, that he rarely hears me apologize. \n\nI always attributed it to the way I was raised. My parents rarely apologized. My brother didn't. We weren't affectionate. ", "I do encourage those to are denied to file for appeal as it's possible a record really would have helped didn't come through, or a new examiner will have a different opinion. But I just wanted to say that we're not required to deny people the first time or to have a certain number of denials. ", "I’ll make sure to apologize to him. I guess that’s also an opportunity for me to talk to him about why it feels difficult for me to apologize for it. At the time I meant what I was saying, but I don’t think that way about him anymore." ], "top_scores": [ 9.397785186767578, 8.38218879699707, 7.621605396270752, 7.20056676864624, 6.776754856109619 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological resistance to or strategic avoidance of apologizing as a perceived sign of weakness or loss of status.", "pearson_r": 0.38103879410557406, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8456, "freq": 0.009438897354834308, "mean_pos": 3.170961618423462, "max_act": 8.844344139099121, "log_density": -2.0250786906950937, "top_texts": [ "What IQ profile do you have? (Test link inside) I found an IQ test that gives you a verbal iq, a spatial IQ and a working memory IQ. Post your results in the comments! https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/FSIQ/", "NPI 30\nCD 7\nOCD 2\nUndiagnosed & not convinced I’m NPD definitively but have taken the test a few times on different days & score 30 each time", "You score for primary psychopathy was higher than 62.34% of people who have taken this test. \nYou score for secondary psychopathy was higher than 67.52% of people who have taken this test.", "IQ remains the same throughout the day but ability to demonstrate IQ on a test may fluctuate depending on energy level, time of day, level of attention, satiety, sleep, and other factors.", "I have 100% in factor 1. 71% in factor 2\n100% in other relevant measures and a strong indication of both NPD and HPD" ], "top_scores": [ 8.844344139099121, 7.9174580574035645, 7.801632881164551, 7.727707386016846, 7.697775363922119 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the reporting and discussion of quantitative psychological test scores and diagnostic self-assessments.", "pearson_r": 0.0592927061281571, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9862, "freq": 0.009916528305319899, "mean_pos": 3.012948751449585, "max_act": 6.4953083992004395, "log_density": -2.0036403003547334, "top_texts": [ "Can your existence be a trigger to someone? Hi, I know lol it is a weird question but I'm very curious. Trying to get an answer but I gotta keep this somewhat vague because reasons...\n\nUsed to be friends with someone who later I found was literally wrong and.... I think it crossed a line at some point as even just being friends. Mind you there is an age gap issue there too and stuff, (I was underage they were college age... you do the numbers.)\n\nOf course I was a dumb teen and I did say some dumb things here and there but nothing straight up illegal yknow. It's more of a thing you look back and laugh/cringe at and move on lol.\n\nEven if clearly they were at fault for a number of reasons in this whole ish, and no matter how much I fucked up being a dummy teen lol can they claim PTSD from any of that lol? Alternatively can this *make THEM* triggered? Obviously I'm in a better space now so it's not like I'm asking this out of wanting to have closure - curiosity is truly killing the cat here. :P", "The worst is the fact that they literally don't do anything wrong. But I get triggered anyway, and it makes me feel so stupid and ashamed afterward. He even said \"What did I do this time?\" which really stung. He didn't do anything wrong at all, I'm just.. this.", "I was sobbing and shaking and my whole front of my dress was open because he tore at it and th the buttons broke. I was shaking so much it took a while to button up my dress and the whole time it reminded me of when my ex attacked me. Was my trauma triggered? I tried to gather my things and got out and went into the back of his huge suv to get my things out of th backseat. I was hysterical.", "For those who experience dissociation how often do you experience it and what triggers it? Are there different intensities of dissociation? I know how dissociation works and kind of what it's like from others first person accounts but I'm trying to understand it more. Any help would be appreciated. If this subject is upsetting or uncomfortable I apologize and please don't feel the need to talk about your experiences if it's uncomfortable for you to talk about, I don't want to upset anyone. Also sorry if this is the wrong flair!", "So the lds church was the trigger, but not the cause." ], "top_scores": [ 6.4953083992004395, 5.750935077667236, 5.673125267028809, 5.582393646240234, 5.5646867752075195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological concept of being triggered by external stimuli or past trauma.", "pearson_r": 0.34518501121605194, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1329, "freq": 0.005822548729729115, "mean_pos": 5.091744422912598, "max_act": 13.090272903442383, "log_density": -2.234886793518106, "top_texts": [ "prescribed wellbutrin so i just finished my appointment to get tested for adhd. the doctor isnt sure what it is thats really going on, i talked to him about some possible anxiety and a few episodes of depression i’ve had before. he said i may or may not be bipolar but he isnt sure so he prescribed me wellbutrin and some other medication for general anxiety i dont remember the name of as i havent even picked up the script yet. but i want to know what some of yalls experiences have been with wellbutrin and the pros/cons of it. im kinda excited about finally taking a step to get my shit together and get my life on track but at the same time i’m super nervous because this is the first time i’ve ever done this stuff before ... many thanks to those who share :) anything is appreciated", "Memory Issues - Wellbutrin or Depression? Heya, 32M here. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for 2 months now to treat persistent depressive disorder. My memory has always been bad (forgetting names, taking a while to recall what I did a few days ago, etc) but lately it’s seeming worse. 3 weeks ago I lost a job due to forgetting about a schedule change (after already being on the rocks for lots of minor tardiness from before Wellbutrin) so my stress has also increased. Also going through a breakup and recently got a nerve injury in my leg/foot.\n\nSo then yesterday I lost my wallet for the first time in a decade. It had a paycheck in it along with ID, insurance and check cards and I’ve got doc appts this week. Looked for it all day, tearing up my room and retracing my route to the bank. After getting home empty handed I felt intoxicated/frazzled (anxiety?) and couldn’t sleep last night. Also having a really hard time focusing - one example is I brought home groceries the other day and did dishes and started cooking a meal before I remembered to put the groceries away. \n\nI feel like I’m losing my shit and I can’t tell if it’s just breakthrough depression messing with memory/focus or if it’s Wellbutrin. With all the life stress it’s hard to tease the issue out. ", "First day on Wellbutrin, do I really want to get rid of ADHD? Hey guys,\n\nToday I started Wellbutrin (150mg). It took a few hours to kick in, but now I feel kind of stoned.\n\nMy brain is not racing anymore, only one idea comes at a time. So of course it helps to remain focus. But if staying focus means having a narrow thinking, do I really want that?\n\nI feel like a horse with blinders. \n\nIt's like I'm becoming stupid, as if I had smoked something. If I continue, I'm afraid I won't be smart enough to deal with my life.\nOf course, I'll less likely be angry for no reason, I'll be able to stay focused and do things. But what about the global vision ? Being able to see things in big?\n\nWhat do you guys think? Have you already experienced that? \nIs it because that's my first treatment day? Should I continue my medication, and see how it goes during the week?\n\nRight now, I'm wondering if my ADHD is not something I prefer, with thoughts racing everywhere in my mind.\n\nThanks for reading me\n\n", "Difference between Aplenzin and Wellbutrin? My psychiatrist put me on Aplenzin and I don’t feel anything. It’s only been 2 weeks but she said I should’ve noticed a difference by now. I’m on the lowest dose. \n\nShe suggested going on generic Wellbutrin, even though I’ve told her 100 times that doesn’t work for me. \n\nName-brand Wellbutrin was my magic pill after having tried 5 other medications. Then I got switched to generic, and I tanked completely and it took over a year to recover. \n\nSo can anyone tell me the difference between Aplenzin and Wellbutrin? And if name-brand Wellbutrin would work better than Aplenzin?", "Feeling very drowsy taking Wellbutrin, anyone experience this and did it go away? Hey all, started Wellbutrin 150 mg 4 weeks ago, and recently been struggling with bouts of extreme drowsiness. My current situation has me home a lot so thankfully don't have a lot of risk with driving, work, etc. I was wondering if anyone else experienced this at this point in taking Wellbutrin and if it went away eventually. It's more annoying than anything, getting things done throughout the day.\n\nAlso, kind of related, I've been tending to stay up late anywhere from 11-2am and it's felt almost impossible waking up before 8:30-9:30. Which is very annoying, I feel like I've wasted the morning waking up that late." ], "top_scores": [ 13.090272903442383, 12.44586181640625, 11.954739570617676, 11.59247875213623, 11.53320598602295 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical experience and side effects of taking the antidepressant medication Wellbutrin.", "pearson_r": 0.3510936908443335, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 890, "freq": 0.009097732390201741, "mean_pos": 3.245393753051758, "max_act": 10.323390007019043, "log_density": -2.0410667943538066, "top_texts": [ "Do I call the helpline or am I just wasting their time Long story short, last week my therapist called me (she's called me each week since lock down as the place I go for therapy is now shut. So shes called me twice) and I didn't answer her call due to feeling horrible. \n\nInstead, I texted her the next day telling her I felt suicidal. Because she is not working, i then received a call from the new hotline they set up and then I proceeded to tell them what was going on. I then had to visit a different place so they could see where my head was at and they said they'd send home treatment and medication. \n\nA day later I get another call, and because I felt like I was going to get help I told them I didn't feel as bad, was then told I wasn't getting home treatment but instead, the person I talked to on the hotline would call me. \n\nI still haven't received the call and it's been nearly 7 days, and I now feel stuck, abandoned and worse than ever, it's like I don't matter. I've tried calling the number for the hotline but its going to voicemail for a different person than i spoke to, and ive forgotten the name of the woman that I met to talk about home treatment. I don't even know what to say, it's like my brain is on fire, I now feel like I'd just be wasting their time as they haven't called back. I know theres probably loads of other people going through it and need the service, so I'm just stuck and anxious, I feel shitty for being so selfish but I just need to talk to someone because I feel like I'm going to do something. \n\nSorry for the long rant and no one will probably reply to this but I'm so stuck and I really don't know what to do or say, I feel like a huge burden.", "I called three different helplines tonight I wanted to end things tonight. I came incredibly close to doing it but chickened out. I knew it would fail and I’d have to deal with the consequences. I still feel so rough\n\nI called the helpline given to me by the Adult Mental Health Team for their patients. I spoke to a mental health nurse. She told me this is expected because of my change in medication. She didn’t tell me how to deal with it. She said it’s my brain missing the serotonin and it’ll be ok soon.\n\nI called NHS 111. They deemed it not an emergency since I didn’t go through with it. I’m ok with that since I really don’t wanna spend a night in the hospital waiting room so I can chat to a psychiatrist for 10 minutes. The call taker was very mechanical about things. She told me to speak to a crisis team.\n\nI called my local mental health crisis team. They said I should speak to the Adult Mental Health Team helpline (the one I called first). They said I should take my meds for the night and then listen to some music. Just mindfully listen and clear my head.\n\nIt was weird. They all just decided the call was over. They never asked if I had anything I wanted to say. Maybe that’s unreasonable for me to expect. If I called three helplines and none worked, maybe I’m the problem. They were all trained healthcare professionals, not volunteers. It should have worked. I feel like a lost cause.", "I have heard so many bad expirences from people who call the Suicide Hotline in the United States. Just completely unempathetic people who do not care. Not surprisingly. They are not even trained at all from what I have heard, they are volunteers who have no idea what the hell they are doing. How the hell can you run a hotline that supposedly has the purpose to help someone who is suicidal yet don't even require training for the fucking volunteers trying to talk Jimmy down from pulling the trigger on the fucking gun he has stuck to his head? EMTs and EMS require training, even unpaid volunteers. But if someone is trying to kill themselves, who fucking cares?", "Maybe I should go to the hospital but it's probably a waste to go anyways I need to talk to someone..I'm really not doing well. I have called lifeline but J hate the phone thing and they just tell me to see a doctor anyways. But I'm guilty to go because it's like 10:50 and only the emergency is open and I don't want to take resources away from.people.who are sick..", "Crisis Text Line I'm trying the US crisis text line for the first time. Given my bleak circumstances, all they could do was provide a link to social media websites. And wish me well." ], "top_scores": [ 10.323390007019043, 10.268743515014648, 9.695845603942871, 9.28780460357666, 9.124985694885254 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of seeking or evaluating professional crisis intervention services.", "pearson_r": 0.38190821736986214, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 402, "freq": 0.010485136579707508, "mean_pos": 2.80705189704895, "max_act": 5.522532939910889, "log_density": -1.979425866608672, "top_texts": [ "Maybe to you???some of us actually want friends and a community to belong to.", "I genuinely need a friend I have basically none. I don't want to be alone anymore. So, anyone up to making friends?", "im lonely i want someone, anyone. doesn't have to be a relationship. i don't want someone to force themselves to be my friend. i want someone that will equally enjoy my company the way i enjoy theirs.", "I just wish someone was interested in me Hello. As the title says I just wish there was someone who was interested in me and the things that I'm into. I'm an artist and I am surrounded by people who do not care about what I am interested in. I like obscure music. I draw and paint. I am I to conspiracies. I am into questioning what our reality is and what our purpose is. I'm interested in the esoteric, magic, the otherworldly. I'm I to real music! Not generic pop shite. But I am surrounded by people who do not understand me. They think I'm odd, maybe even insane. I'm sick of it. I am generally happy, I have a partner and we have a son at home, I have good parents and a few good friends but there is something missing. The internet has a lot to answer for. It has infected people. It has turned people against one another and is starting to eat away at all our personal relationships. It feels like we are on a sinking ship.", "I honestly don't feel ready to go back outside again. As in being part of a social collective, at least. I really like being outside otherwise." ], "top_scores": [ 5.522532939910889, 5.456660747528076, 5.260643482208252, 4.754208087921143, 4.652787208557129 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The active pursuit of social connection and the desire to alleviate loneliness.", "pearson_r": 0.3239498832757885, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2276, "freq": 0.010030249960197421, "mean_pos": 2.934054136276245, "max_act": 7.828916549682617, "log_density": -1.998688200652023, "top_texts": [ "If not, the hurt may be coming primarily from feeling blindsided. Yes, this is not exactly fair because he has other partners and you are in a poly relationship, but feelings aren’t fair. I think people are more likely to feel hurt when they are surprised by something", "And oh yeah, when it comes to judging other people from view of one situation with little details, then it is fine. But when someone judges you, it feels awful and it is not alright? Why the fuck are you judging other people, but let noone judge you? It is hypocritical and narcissistic, don't be like that.", "However, I also believe that no one can truly understand another person; we’re all projecting, key is to find people who think similarly enough that their projections may be some degree of accurate and therefore helpful. But how much is that based on having a better understanding of that person than they do of themselves, vs just guessing correctly that they think similarly to you?", "What you’re asking of him would be tough even for an excellent communicator who is emotionally in tune with themselves. If you do give it a shot, it might be smart for him to choose other highly partnered (cohabitating / married) FWB in open relationships so they have less desire for emotional entanglement", "Thanks for being happy for me! Most of the time I don't necessarily need two romantic partners, but sometimes I get these intense, involuntary crushes and end up simply attached to two people. I'm really glad that my girlfriend is polyamorous and she is open to me having another partner. I'm honestly happy with just occasional hookups, but I never know who I'm going to meet and get attached to and my brain is a lot nicer when it doesn't feel like my attraction is \"unfaithful\" or \"wrong\"." ], "top_scores": [ 7.828916549682617, 7.096489429473877, 6.058134078979492, 5.905694484710693, 5.9012579917907715 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the analysis and navigation of interpersonal relationship dynamics, specifically regarding polyamory, emotional expectations, and social projection.", "pearson_r": 0.266499713707082, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8911, "freq": 0.009689084995564855, "mean_pos": 3.034409999847412, "max_act": 6.7255682945251465, "log_density": -2.013717189492549, "top_texts": [ "I was tested for depression and they said that I passed the test I was distracted and didn't hear what my doctor said do I have depression or not? [extra context below⬇️] My doctor said, \"the results were a pass, which is normal for a kid in your situation\" (divorced parents and other things that i'd rather not share online.", "Ignored It's Friday, I just want to go out and have fun. I message some people and literally no one answers. Maybe a couple answered once to make it look like they are trying, but still get left on \"delivered\". No people, I don't want to hang out with you because I think you have some weed or alcohol, I want to get out of my house because it's lame. Instead, here I am on friday night, bitching on reddit. Shit makes me want to go pop a box of benadryl to leave reality. Makes me want to cut everyone off and do whatever the fuck I want to do without fear of consequences. Fuck this place and fuck mostly everyone.", "My husband and his ADHD I just recently saw ADHD trending on twitter and the many things associated with it. I’ve been with my husband for three years now knowing he has ADHD and it made me realize I’m possibly being insensitive to some of the things I did not realize are associated with this disorder. \nHe’s great at paying bills on time, doing college work, but he gets very irate if I interrupt him while he’s doing any of that. \nThe reason I think we argue most is he just never seems to hear a word I’m saying. It seems like every time I say a sentence i have to repeat it. And it makes me feel like he doesn’t care what I’m saying. But yet he has to multitask and listen to many things at work. Could that still be his ADHD or him just choosing to not listen? \nReally I’m just trying to understand a bit more here.", "Also - it's entirely possible she hasn't said it because she knows you wouldn't listen. You don't seem to be listening to ANYTHING anyone is saying here. GIVE YOUR CHILD SPACE.", "Wife says i dont pay attention to her I thought it was funny when she said this, she doesn't see it the way i do.\n\n¯\\_(ツ)_/¯" ], "top_scores": [ 6.7255682945251465, 6.195385932922363, 6.178550720214844, 5.754512786865234, 5.720251560211182 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures interpersonal communication friction and the subjective experience of being misunderstood or ignored in relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.7673153125526144, "pred_f1": 0.8571428571428571 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7645, "freq": 0.008233447813132577, "mean_pos": 3.5687003135681152, "max_act": 12.55247974395752, "log_density": -2.084418210137583, "top_texts": [ "experiences with ECT or TMS Has anyone here tried ECT or TMS, and if so how did it affect your depression? My psychiatrist is recommending I try one of them but I'm a little concerned that they won't work or will have negative side effects.", "TMS therapy is for people who've tried every possible treatment for their TRD. Every antidepressant, then usually try ketamine, if that doesn't work then they try TMS therapy. It's like ECT but you don't feel it at all really.", "I was recommended by my doc to do rTMS, after 6 failed ketamine injections. Anyone have experience here?? So after more evidence of me being treatment resistant, NO meds working, ketamine injections doing nothing for me, I was recommended by my doctor to do rTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation)\n\nHas anyone had any first hand experience with this, or know anybody who has? Just looking for some details if anyone can help a brotha out.\n\nThanks!", "TMS Hi all!\n\nI had a med check with my psychiatrist today and, surprise surprise, no improvement! He suggested considering alternative treatments to medication, namely Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Have any of y'all had this treatment before and have you had success? I'm also concerned because there is no lit on possible *long-term* side effects.\n\nWhat do you think? Link to sources, please!\n\nThank you:)", "TMS treatment is working wonders! I've been battling a really severe depression for years now. I had ECT in around 2012, and it worked really well, but the memory loss is something I wasn't willing to go thru again. My shrink finally suggested TMS treatment, and I unwillingly went along. After a *really* huge dip in mood about 3 weeks in, I'm finally feeling the payoff in a huge way. \n\nI have a mood tracker, and for the first time in years, I've tracked two weeks of great moods (not manic, just a solid good mood). It's feels just as successful as my ECT was, but without the side effects! I'm back into my hobbies for the first time in years, my hygiene is finally good, and work is so much more tolerable. I'm feeling much more social as well, which is huge.\n\nI just wanted to throw my experience out there. My insurance covered most of it too, since it's now FDA approved. It has a 70% success rate in reduction of symptoms, and a 30% \"cure\" rate. With my mood better, my BPD symptoms have dropped way down as well, and I feel like my tolerance is excellent now.\n\nI'm just so damn happy!" ], "top_scores": [ 12.55247974395752, 12.271310806274414, 12.189947128295898, 11.892241477966309, 11.67093563079834 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents inquiries and discussions regarding clinical neuromodulation therapies, specifically ECT and TMS, for treatment-resistant depression.", "pearson_r": -0.07647191129018724, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10015, "freq": 0.010121227284099438, "mean_pos": 2.9000582695007324, "max_act": 8.644617080688477, "log_density": -1.9947667795281296, "top_texts": [ "the right to die i know this can be pretty controversial (because of ethical reasons), but i just feel like when someone becomes a legal adult they should have the right to die, right? like i strongly believe people should have to right to make their own life choices. i do think help should be available for the people seeking it and for those who actually want to better themselves and their lives, im all for it. but there are some of us that just dont really care or have any interest in life overall. specially for me the thing that annoys me is that theres always gonna be problems, i just wasnt built for this and to withstand this, nor do i want to be a mentally stronger person. im fully aware that problems dont last forever and theres always a solution, but just the fact that theres always gonna be problems just makes me so fuckinh tired of life. i think its more morally wrong to force someone that's literally already dead in their minds to stay alive.\n\nthoughts on this? ive thought of starting a movement lol, i know theres this thing called euthanasia but from what i read thats mostly just for terminally ill patients or old people. but being mentally in pain 24/7 is just as bad so i dont see why thats not included in the conversation", "People say what we do with our bodies and our lives is a choice. So I’m wondering why euthanasia for any adult can’t be legal? (Unless it’s already legal in some part of the world.) If it was legal for adults of any age to choose to euthanize themselves, I would totally choose to do it. \n\nWhat do you guys think?", "Why isn't death human right? First of all, sorry if this is against rules but this is serious question/thought and I don't know where else to post this and I wanted to know if anyone else has similar thoughts.\n\nSo I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I feel like it's weird that we're technically not allowed to make the biggest decision of our lives ourselves, the decision whether we want to keep it or not. I might sound like an emo teenager, which I'm not, but since none of us chose to be born and are expected to live by certain rules, why aren't we allowed choose to not be part of this world if we don't like it. Of course as children we may not be qualified to make such choice yet or even as young adults, but lets say around age 20-25 after getting the general idea of how world works and what to expect from this life, we were first asked whether we want to continue living or not. If not, there could be some sort of \"repentance period\" of 3-5 years during which you can still change your mind and you'd get therapy or whatever help you can to see if you get better. If you still wish to die after that, you would be provided humane, quick and painless way to die. At least it would be better than a suicide that is more likely to be painful and comes as a shock to your close ones and potentially endangers/traumatizes innocent bystanders.\n\nI get that this would still be far from ideal, some people may have suicidal thoughts for 10+ years and still get eventually better, your close friends and family will always suffer and likely oppose your decision to die even if they see that you're not enjoying your life. Still, at the end of the day, it is your life and I feel like people should, after having the lack of will to live for certain period of time, be allowed to legally and humanely end their lives.\n\nPerhaps this post would better fit in r/philosophy or something, but I feel like I'm missing something obvious and fear that I'd get ridiculed for my thoughts in most other subs.", "Existential crisis is a bitch. if this post seems to be more of a rant than a...post, I'm sorry. I honestly don't know what to do now...\n\n\nIt honestly is. I've been suffering from that for 9+ years, and it doesn't seem to reduce. This also causes mild depression, which is killing me internally. Ever since I had these existential thoughts, I'm way too scared to almost anything right now....the fact that we will die someday, everyone we know and love will leave us someday, things won't be the same all the time, our favorite mall will close someday, our favorite actors will die someday, the games we love will shutdown someday...all of these thoughts just panics me frequently. Ever since I had these thoughts since I was 13, life has been kinda different for me. I look things differently, I miss every second that passes by, I hate watching my parents growing up. Do you know how painful it is to see your parents age and realize that they will die someday? And fuck time! Seriously fuck time! We don't deserve this at all. Time is moving so fast...like it doesn't even make sense. Why some things can't be permanent? It's hard to digest that we've been given such a magical life, then take it away from us with no warning with uncertainty that nothing exists beyond this life. \n\nI actually spoke about this matter to my father and cried. He felt bad and he said some things which shocked the fuck out of me. He had epilepsy around 10-15 years ago....sometimes he's sane, sometimes he behaves like a different person. He'll have constant thoughts like \"Why I'm still working, I'm already dead\" or \"Well, since I'm already dead, when is my funeral?\". He even decided (but no attempt, fortunately) to check whether he's dead or not by, attempting suicide. During that period, he told me that he has visualized of people attending his funeral, me, my mother and all the other relatives crying for him. He also mentioned that he was watching this from above/from the sky, which fucked me even worse! It truly hurts to hear these things, especially from my father...\n\nSeriously man, fuck the future! I hope time machine was a thing. I just want to stay in childhood forever, watching cartoons, playing games, having fun with my younger parents. I just hate to grow up. Childhood is best era, period. You didn't had to think about anything but just play, run and laugh all the time. At this point, I'm yearning for a time machine. Growing up is making me even worse. I tend to hate people more than ever, I'm very comfortable being alone, but mild depression + exis.crisis kicks in and kills my mood.\n\nHonestly, there's no cure for this. Everyone who suffers from this crisis, they want a solution but are too scared to find it, which is the same case for me. I want to find answers, but too scared to find them as they make my fears even worse...\n\nTo everyone who facing the same problem as mine, or worse(whether it's depression, stress or the crisis mentioned above), I feel you, every single one of you. I want the world to be a better place, I want all of us to be happy and laughing forever, but reality sucks, ain't it?\n\nAt this point, we can only hope, that there's something after this. At least that's what I'm hoping on...", "Professionals of Reddit, do you ever fantasize about quitting and just working in a cafe or something? I feel a bit guilty posting this because I know having a professional degree and career is a privilege, but I cannot help but wish I lived a slower, simpler life. Sure, having a stable income is a major benefit of a professional career, but sometimes I just want to go back to working in food. It sucks in some ways, but you leave most of the stress at the door once you clock out. The job is just one part of your life, and when you leave, you can focus on your hobbies, interests, relationships, and other things that give your life meaning. \n\nNow, I am in law school and will soon become and attorney. I am trapped by a lot of debt, the career is already pretty stressful, and I’m often surrounded by people who are kind of miserable. Worst of all, you almost never stop working; the work follows you home, to the grocery store, and can keep you up at night. Sometimes I really think having a sense of peace in my life is more valuable than having a “professional” career. It really depresses me to think that I am wasting my life doing this.... and for what? \n\nDo any of you guys ever feel the same?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.644617080688477, 7.274592399597168, 6.520572662353516, 6.470511436462402, 6.377598285675049 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the philosophical exploration of the right to die and existential questioning regarding the value and termination of life.", "pearson_r": 0.409785763342824, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9281, "freq": 0.007733072531671481, "mean_pos": 3.7904741764068604, "max_act": 11.310140609741211, "log_density": -2.1116478602154154, "top_texts": [ "Inattentive ADD, SAD, and cabin fever all combined to create me, the bed-potato researching weekend flights to Florida for 4 hours straight... I didn't buy a plane ticket, as much as I wanted to. ..\n\n \n\n\nI really need help dealing with these winters. Going outside isn't exactly an option because we've had ice storms for the last two weeks with dangerous conditions. While I'm saving up for my own home for one more year, I'm living with my parents in a 150+ year old farm house with poor heating and insulation so this house is frequently freezing. I have space heaters in my bedroom, which help keep me warm but it also makes me feel confined to only one space. For the past two months, my routine has been going to work and going home to sit on my warm bed (I am getting occasional social activity). I hate this cold so much, and we rarely receive any sun during the winter here. I have art projects to work on, but my mental state is making it very difficult to focus.\n\nI understand why people like SAD lamps, but they're not the be-all cure-all for winter blues. I'm also getting my vitamins. I really need some new perspectives and motivation to keep me going until summer. I don't really see springs here, we typically have snow and ice storms up until late April. I need to keep myself from hibernating all winter.\n\nAny advice and motivation to keep me pushing through the cold is greatly appreciated, thank you. I need new ways to keep fighting and stay strong against this winter.", "Does this year’s winter feel worse for everyone else? It’s been like that for me. I’m so hurt because I shut myself in, but it’s so cold outside even though it’s in the 40s and 50s", "I can’t handle another winter Where I live winter is basically 6 months of the year, and I don’t think I can handle it again. The bleak weather every day, the cold, everything is just so unbearable for some reason.", "Going outside if it's winter might help. Cold really works for me when I'm worked up or dissociated", "Can depression/anxiety/mental exhaustion make you feel physically cold? I don't have a diagnosis for anything, but I've been struggling for a long time and I will have my first meeting with a therapist.\n\nI've been having an especially hard time recently, feeling really anxious and depressed a lot of the time. I've also noticed that I feel really cold a lot of the time, even when I'm in a warm room and wearing warm clothes. I'm in my bed under a blanket wearing a sweater, pyjama pants and socks and I'm still cold. My fingers and feet feel like ice. \nI just recently got my blood checked, everything fine except a slight calcium and magnesium deficiency which I am taking supplements for. My blood pressure is perfect. \n\nIt gets especially bad when I'm crying or having some kind of breakdown. Generally if I don't focus on it it gets better. If I'm worried and tense up, it gets worse. I feel like my brain is taking away all my energy so I can't stay warm anymore. I also feel tired most of the time.\n\nCould this have something to do with my mental state? And does anyone else experience this?" ], "top_scores": [ 11.310140609741211, 10.998608589172363, 9.976611137390137, 9.778742790222168, 9.773604393005371 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological and physical distress associated with seasonal affective changes and winter-related isolation.", "pearson_r": 0.126028172966184, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6214, "freq": 0.009552619009711829, "mean_pos": 3.061859130859375, "max_act": 11.277633666992188, "log_density": -2.019877497557038, "top_texts": [ "Your English is great.\n\nDisorganized thinking is effectively the lack of ability to think linearly. There are many kinds of thought disorder in a range of psychotic or psychotic-like disorders, but the one most associated with schizophrenia is called tangential thinking. \n\nTangential thinking is jumping from topic to topic that are barely connected and never returning to the main point - as opposed to circumstantial thinking which does return to the main point but only after a long detour.\n\nIt can be apparent in speech like in this [rather extreme example](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2vMnyTiwp4) or it can happen in other ways, like writing or thinking in general. Think of the stereotype of the conspiracy theorist with the red thread everywhere linking things that are barely connected, if at all, and spending hours each day doing it. It makes complete sense to them but someone else would have a very hard time following.", "Disorganized thinking is the third major positive symptom after delusions and hallucinations. It refers to the inability to think linearly, people with it will usually have what's called tangential thinking or speech which is where they start on a topic, but the thought process quickly gets derailed and jumps from topic to topic, often called \"loose associations\".\n\nI was never much of a talker and I lived alone at the time so there weren't many opportunities for it to come out in speech, but mine came out mostly in writing. It would be hypergraphia, I'd write about something and then jump from idea to idea because every random thought that jumped into my head literally second to second felt like the most important thought I'd ever had and I just *had* to write it down. I would write for hours each day for dozens of pages, and this was all while I was working and going to school from home, so I didn't have much time.\n\nIt can become pretty apparent in someone's speech. It's more than just concentration issues. [Here's an example of what an extreme case looks like](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2vMnyTiwp4).", "What exactly is disorganized speech/thoughts? Over the course of the past two years, I feel like I’m slowly losing the ability to speak properly. Speaking has pretty much become one of the hardest task for me to do, I can’t fluently say the simplest of things, any time I try to create a sentence in my head before I attempt to say it, even if it’s just 5 words, they all just turn into a jumbled mess in my mind. I don’t know how to emphasize how much of a burden this is to me. But is this even disorganized speech/thinking? Like, is this something different or is this what I think it is?", "Unfortunately disorganized speech is a psychotic or psychotic-like symptom and isn't a matter of learning how to straighten out your thoughts. I'm sure you've given it a try. It's unlikely you'll be able to get it under control without an antipsychotic.\n\nThought disorder is one of my biggest symptoms with schizophrenia, and being put on a higher dose of APs helped tremendously. Until then I would spend hours each day writing the exact same thing over and over in slightly different ways, resulting in daily essays that were somehow both incoherent and over-elaborated. This level of severity is definitely full psychotic. STPD has this symptom as well but much less severe - still enough to be disruptive.", "I'm Bipolar 1 with psychotic features and STPD traits - possibly even schizoaffective but too early to know for sure. A few times now I've fallen into actual psychosis during both depressive and manic episodes, sometimes at the same time. My main psychotic symptoms are disorganized thinking and delusions, thankfully not many hallucinations.\n\nDisorganized thinking is a tricky one because the flow of reality can seem normal to the person experiencing disordered thought, but others will be able to notice the difference, or the person experiencing it can notice through indirect means. Disordered thought for me feels like every thought I'm having feels absolutely vital no matter how loose the association was. After a couple weeks I started writing every thought on a post-it because I thought they were all the \"key\" to understanding something groundbreaking. It progressed to having enough new post it's each day to cover my desk. This eventually progressed into obsessive writing (hypergraphia) that was about the same subjects over, and over, and over, and over for months on end. I'm talking 20, 30, sometimes even 50 pages *per day*. So while disorganizing thinking usually presents as circumstantial or tangential thoughts, perseveration is also a way it can manifest - this is what mine was. I could not get these thoughts out of my head so I would just write them repeatedly. I have hundreds upon hundreds of pages of writing, but going back now with a clear head they are nearly unintelligible, even though they made perfect sense to me at the time. Nobody noticed because of self isolation and me not being much of a talker, preferring writing instead.\n\nWhat you were writing doesn't seem like disorganized thoughts, it just seems like a lot of thoughts and maybe a little frantic. Racing thoughts are usually more of an anxious thing than a psychotic thing but they can be related. Also, your writing was legible and I understood what you were saying and what you were trying to say. Wordiness is just a personality trait. If it were true thought disorder there would probably be more issues with people understanding your writing. It can make communication really hard." ], "top_scores": [ 11.277633666992188, 11.27151107788086, 10.808271408081055, 9.165719032287598, 8.06261920928955 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the clinical construct of disorganized thinking and speech associated with psychotic disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.2431322695419324, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9958, "freq": 0.009780062319466872, "mean_pos": 2.9829177856445312, "max_act": 7.877687454223633, "log_density": -2.00965833343264, "top_texts": [ "That's better than any pseudo-advice, actually. \"Just go out and b confident lmao\" is an advice that simply doesn't work. ", "There are a lot of potential reasons for this. I was in quite a similar situation in school. Think about the boys at your school, they are all different and will have different ways of perceiving you. Some boys might be interested but last the courage to confront you. Some boys may be disinterested because of their personal preferences. Some boys might believe that women need to take the first step. The list goes on. Instead of asking yourself why guys don't approach you, ask yourself why you want guys to approach you. Is there a particular guy you are interested in? If so, ask yourself if you like him enough to step out of your comfort zone to get to know him. Are you wanting guys to approach you, because you want to fit in with your friends? If so, show more compassion for yourself and patience in your own love life. Things will happen in time, priortise your self worth and think more about if you like these guys than if they like you.", "That makes sense, but again, these are jobs where these traits don't cause a problem and get in the way of succeeding, whilst I was asking for roles that would benefit from them. \n\nAlso, I had a short episode in Human Resources and was surprisingly successful. It all depends, at that time team was way too \"soft\" and they needed someone heartless for \"difficult\" human things haha, so I was a perfect fit, but yeah, I got tired of people after a year or so.", "My self-value is based on attracting women . How to fix this? Hello everyone,\n\nI have an issue that im sure many other men have had at some point in their lives. I myself have spoken to a counsellor on this matter for help but I am stuck.\n\nI have had pretty bad depression for the last year and its driving myself, friends, and family crazy. It all begun from around middle school and high school when I first took interest in girls. I was a pretty popular guy but I was rejected by every single girl that I liked or approached. I never had my first kiss until very late and I am now 23 and still a virgin.\n\nI've always been super confident , funny and a lot of girls tell me\"you're an amazing guy and any girl would be lucky to be with you\". I get told im attractive also (im 6\"3 and pretty good shape) and I personally feel very confident when approaching girls and dont get hurt if they say no.\n\nThe issue however , occurs when I am by myself and it hits me that if I actually am such a great guy, why am I still a virgin and never had a girlfriend? I begin to question myself and start to think about how the girls actually may not like me and that if I was an amazing guy, I would have a lot of girls who wanna be with me and getting much more action.\n\nMy question is, how can I stop placing so much of my happiness based on women? My own value is placed on women and how they feel towards me.\n\nTLDR; I feel very confident with women but still 23 year old virgin and I begin to doubt myself then. A lot of my happiness and self value is placed on getting women and the reception I get from women.\n\nThanks everyone", "I don’t know where my life’s heading. I just came back from a family picnic with two other families. I went in thinking I’d gained a lot of muscle from gym that I’d been going to, so I was fairly confident about seeing them. This confidence was broken after seeing the one guy my age (17/18yr) who had a much better body than me. I’ve had quite a strong crush on his sister, (16yr) for quite some time. It’s troubled me for so long since she’s like an inch taller than me and I don’t really have too much to talk about when I see her.\n\nI repeated the year at my school based on my own decision (because my grades weren’t great). Since then, I’ve sorted myself out a bit. I’ve cut down my weed usage; I’ve started going to gym more often; started getting better grades. Only one thing. I never talk to girls. As for right now, there’s not one girl I talk to like regularly. I just walk past them at school, knowing deep down that they probably want me to talk to them. But I don’t, because I’m scared that I don’t have anything ‘good’ to say.\n\n18, never had a girlfriend, only kissed a girl via a truth or dare game (so no romantic experiences). I just looked in the mirror a few minutes ago to see a mountain range of acne on my face. I’m not confident about my hair so I always wear a cap; I hate how big my nose is, basically I’m not at all happy with my facial appearance at the moment. I really want to be with this girl or at least do something with her, but I’m a coward.\n\nI can’t sit down and study enough, so I’m afraid I won’t get the grades so hoped for at the beginning of the year. I’m a short shit. The only qualities I have is intelligence (which will mean nothing if I get bad grades), and I ay guitar quite well.\n\nI can’t sleep tonight, I’m just sitting typing this in the dark at 2am. Can someone please give me some advice or encouragement? I’d really appreciate it.\n\nThank you." ], "top_scores": [ 7.877687454223633, 6.628063201904297, 6.562817573547363, 6.112560749053955, 6.111359119415283 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal struggle with social comparison, self-worth, and performance-based validation in interpersonal or professional contexts.", "pearson_r": 0.13334518676566623, "pred_f1": 0.5925925925925926 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4008, "freq": 0.007687583869720472, "mean_pos": 3.7885255813598633, "max_act": 11.061848640441895, "log_density": -2.114210076647704, "top_texts": [ "I found out my mother may have cancer It’s the fist time I ever talk about my feelings on reddit. \n\nMy days have always been difficult and I never really connected with everyone at school or on internet. I was always so depressed and sad. I felt like I was a mistake and that I souldn’t be there. My only reason to actually continue was my mother. She is perfect. She is always here for me, she’s sweet and generous. She is the kindest person I ever seen. So she is my reason to live. \n\nBut I found out that she had a tumor. She had an operation in December to remove it and it went well. But now, her doctor is thinking that she could have something even worse. A cancer. I don’t know how to react to it. My mother doesn’t know but every night I cry in my bed thinking about how in the future my world could end. \n\nI don’t know if it’s the good place to talk about it but it is all I could think about. \nSorry for my bad english. ", "My mother has been sort of fighting cancer for the last eight years. First round was brest cancer, she was put on five year probation with regular checkups after they tought they had gotten rid of it. Turns out couple o years later it’s spread to the lymph nodes, they are surgically removed. Again we hoped we might have gotten clear of it, but again a few years later, about six months ago that they had found cancerous cells on her hip and in her liver. Dousins of tiny cancer nodes (or ehatever their name is in english) and she has done two more rounds of chemo, but her body just can’t take it anymore. There is no more responsible treatment left to be had. In the last week her eyes and skik have started to turn yellow, and she lies down most of the time with pain/confusion.", "my mom hi, am 20yrs old and is my first time ever posting on reddit, i just dont know what to do anymore. my mom has cancer and the doctors say she may not make it. i cant stop thinking about her an how much i going to miss her, she is my world and i dont think im gonna be able to survive if she die. i cant stop crying all the time. i rly dont know what to do\n\n&#x200B;\n\nsorry for my english", "Cancer? Today, I went in for a check up and the doctor found something on my body potentially cancerous. They are doing a biopsy to examine the tissue. Is it horrible that the first thing I thought of was that I hope it was. So I could just withdraw from life and die in a more dignified manor than suicide. Idk it’s weird things are going fine in my life. I got into a great university, I have a good social life. I just feel fat and ugly and am tired of it all. Oh well", "I just found out I might have cancer I’m sortve just in disbelief. I’m barely holding on by a thread already and then this drops on me. I don’t know how to bring this up to anyone. I don’t even feel negatively towards it, maybe I’m in shock. I just feel like this is how my story ends" ], "top_scores": [ 11.061848640441895, 9.286576271057129, 8.969649314880371, 8.868705749511719, 8.719254493713379 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the emotional distress and existential crisis associated with a personal or parental cancer diagnosis.", "pearson_r": 0.742961236024361, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4040, "freq": 0.007596606545818454, "mean_pos": 3.824061632156372, "max_act": 12.837479591369629, "log_density": -2.119380309437232, "top_texts": [ "Not making proper eye contact is general introvert thing. It's important to make eye contact when you introduce yourself or meet up with someone. After that it's not as important to make eye contact for remainder of the conversation. It's super common but if you are avoiding making any eye contact then it throws red flags around.", "If you’ve associated eye contact with the teacher’s embarrassment, it could help to try associate it with something positive? Maybe a close friend or family member that you trust could help you practice. While all these rules you’ve asked for will help when you have the energy, when you’re tired, stressed or sick etc. these rules will be harder for you. So reframed eye contact as a positive thing may help. Reward yourself with praise, food, your favourite show etc.", "I can't make eye contact with people when I talk to them I always look down or to the side of someone when I talk to someone because it actually hurts to look at them without feeling awkward or somehow disgusting. Very rarely a girl comes to sit by me at lunch at school and when she talks to me I can't help but look at my food constantly or just barely past her or at her shirt or hair to avoid eye contact. What is wrong with me?\n\nEdit: I should say while I always dread any kind of social interaction, talking with people also doesn't come natural. It feels like I missed a social interactions class growing up lol", "Take deep breaths and try to destress as much as possible. Anxiety may also be reinforcing your eye contact aversion. If you feel comfortable, you could always disclaim “heya, I get a bit uncomfortable making eye contact and I’m trying to get better, so don’t mind me if I am looking away a lot”.", "Yes!! \nI tend to just avoid eye-contact in general, but then I'll glance at something I didn't mean to. Sometimes I'll glance at a part of someone's face, and then they'll touch that spot, as if they're wondering if something was there, and that's why I was looking. It's so awkward." ], "top_scores": [ 12.837479591369629, 12.729284286499023, 12.21125316619873, 11.624509811401367, 11.414087295532227 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of social anxiety and discomfort related to maintaining eye contact.", "pearson_r": 0.5039462314023755, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5134, "freq": 0.010371414924829986, "mean_pos": 2.789665937423706, "max_act": 6.101324558258057, "log_density": -1.9841619488797182, "top_texts": [ "Leaving this here cause im stressing and everyone in this community is really nice. I finally got a xray after waiting 3 fucking hours (poor people dentist so very overrun with patients). Now im terrified as to what needs to be done. I'm worried I'll need to get multiple teeth pulled cause my depression makes me never take care of my teeth. Recently I have bad bad tooth pain and swelling around my top left back molar. I'll update you guys on what happens.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/MadeOfStyrofoam/comments/1bi02wq/at_the_dentist_shaking_vent/", "Should I go to a hospital? I can’t go a night sober without having a mini breakdown not much I feel and I don’t want to do anything when I’m at work I sometimes fight back tears because I really don’t want to be in public all I can think about is leaving to go to a hospital everyday life feels too stressful everyday is like I’m stuck feeling this pain", "Last night I took 280mg of fluoxetine and I'm not sure whether to see a doctor or not So, a bit of a backstory. I started fluoxetine in December, and it went pretty well until the end of February. I started off with 5mg a day, and after a week I was allowed to up the dose to 10mg a day. Since this dose has been working fine, my shrink and I haven't really discussed upping the dose again.\n\nDuring the end of February, I started taking my meds irregularly, and because some things had happened, I started to feel terrible and stopped taking my meds altogether. In hindsight, it wasn't the best idea to abruptly stop taking them. Ever since then I've been feeling pretty suicidal and have been having urges to overdose. I've been able to suppress those urges for a long time, but last night (about 20 hours ago) I was so zoned out that I took all of the fluoxetine that I had left while being in a very impulsive mood, not 100% sure with what intent since I know it wouldn't kill me. I went to see my therapist today and told her what happened, and she told me that it isn't very great for my liver. I've heard a couple of things about it, but I'm just not sure whether I should get it checked out or not. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from people that don't personally know me and aren't biased.\n\nI've been feeling pretty decent, considering. I do feel a little bit off, I've had a headache for a while, and I feel a slight pain in my chest/stomach area. \n\n\nTL;DR I took fluoxetine and apart from a couple side effects of the meds I'm not feeling terrible, but I'm scared I might be damaging my liver and not sure whether to get it checked out or not.", "You need to reach out to a health care professional immediately friend. \nFocus on getting help ASAP. You can't wait three weeks when you are getting worse.", "You need to reach out to your doctor ASAP. I hope you get help soon!" ], "top_scores": [ 6.101324558258057, 5.928505897521973, 5.847297191619873, 5.378535747528076, 5.179584503173828 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents an urgent need for professional medical intervention or clinical crisis management.", "pearson_r": 0.7237923487987052, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8262, "freq": 0.010075738622148429, "mean_pos": 2.869967460632324, "max_act": 5.615976810455322, "log_density": -1.9967230640922704, "top_texts": [ "Is it the same clone every time?\nImmediately after slapping me? No time to finish the job?", "okay. ANYWAYS. that was my long way of asking if like. was i molested? okay no that’s a bit much of a question.", "Isn't there another one that's Dismissive-Disinterested, or is that just another term for D-A?", "And really, that's why I'm typing this post. I want to know for certain if I was witnessing a domestic violence incident (feel free to delete this post if otherwise - again, this is a throwaway, so I don't mind), if there's anything I could and/or should have done differently there, and if there's anything I can do to help in case this happens again (which knowing my job, it will). I'm wondering if I should have slipped her info to a hotline, or lied about calling the police, or *something* - in the back of my mind, I keep telling myself there was something I could have done here. Any ideas? EDIT: In case it isn't clear, I DID call the police - I just didn't inform them of my domestic violence suspicions until they arrived, due to what happened between the call and their arrival.", "How do I avoid new supply? That has to include everything. I don't even know how to tell if it's a situation where I'm just seeking supply or interacting in an acceptable manner." ], "top_scores": [ 5.615976810455322, 5.076930522918701, 5.062311172485352, 4.980835914611816, 4.744410991668701 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures themes of interpersonal trauma, narcissistic abuse dynamics, and the search for validation regarding abusive experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.6971628236408364, "pred_f1": 0.8421052631578947 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3086, "freq": 0.009165965383128255, "mean_pos": 3.14436411857605, "max_act": 6.348726749420166, "log_density": -2.0378217398960183, "top_texts": [ "Fp for me is a person that i would do anything to keep happy and safe by my side, they won't push me away if i don't musk around them, i can be around them for hours without minding it, they give me validation even if i don't musk but i will work extremely hard to make them proud of me, i don't feel empathy but i feel stressed if they are sad or angry, it's really hard to get in this category, i have maybe 3 of those in my life and they are family, so i know them all my life, i don't feel guilt if i lie to them or in general", "I've heard headcanons of both Spinel and Pearl from Steven Universe. Pearl makes a lot of sense to me, she is absolutely devoted to Rose, holds resentment at others for having her love/attention, and can't seem to do much without Rose being her purpose. With Spinel, she is completely abandoned by Rose and her character thrives off of attention.", "BPD girls and pretty boys From what I’ve noticed in my experience is the BPD girls I know really like the skinny stoner type of guys with that pretty boy look and don’t like the muscular handsome jock type of guys. Does anybody have any ideas/explanation or can relate? I’m honestly just curious (I know it’s a bit superficial)", "My FPs are people who I rely on for mental support, like a free 24/7 therapist. It doesn't really matter what kind of person they are, avoidant/inconsistent, anxious, or secure. I do think I am more attracted if they are inconsistent/pull away though instead of anxious and possessive.", "About Sean One thing that describes Sean best is his huge thirst for new experiences and knowledge. He would never sit still and was constantly trying to grow - waking up at 6am to go for a run, taking every opportunity to improve his Spanish and learning new skills while volunteering. A real nature lover; his biggest hero is David Attenborough and he would always serve us with the weirdest fun-facts about nature. He came across as the most positive guy, embracing life with all its aspects and trying to take the most of it." ], "top_scores": [ 6.348726749420166, 6.347644329071045, 6.298050880432129, 6.278942584991455, 6.028463363647461 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of a \"Favorite Person\" (FP) and the intense, often codependent, attachment dynamics associated with Borderline Personality Disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.1577119296642234, "pred_f1": 0.375 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 464, "freq": 0.007323674574112402, "mean_pos": 3.9275717735290527, "max_act": 13.297030448913574, "log_density": -2.135270902422424, "top_texts": [ "Scared of Ketamine treatments... Hey guys, first time posting here, but I could really use some help... I'm a 31 year old woman and I've suffered from panic attacks and depression since I was really young (like... elementary school). About ten years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar. We've done a lot of medication Jenga, trying really hard to find a good mix (I've been with the same doc since then, he is amazing). We can usually get me to a good place and then I'm fine for a while, but I eventually take a nose dive. I've been on disability for 2-3 years and unemployed since 2015 (though I did go back to school last year to get my BA). Currently I take Lexapro, Welbutrin, Lamictal, Lithium, and clonopin (xanax as needed, much less than I used to thankfully).\n\n \nSadly, we're at a bit of a stand still. We upped my lamictal and it does seem to be helping, but I don't think it's enough. We've been discussing trying out ketamine after I brought it up. I think he put it out of his mind because he knows the extent of my anxiety about being in control and ketamine completely takes control away (in my eyes). He decided what we could do is start will a really low dose (and I can take a little xanax before hand if needed, even though it can lower the effectiveness of the ketamine) and see how it goes. He advised how long it would take, what it feels like, and assuaged my fears of having panic during the treatment.\n\n \nThat being said... thinking about having the treatment brings me to tears. I have never done hard drugs or even been drunk. Being in control is of absolute importance to me. Being vulnerable is incredibly hard. From what I understand of Ketamine, I'll likely feel out of body and not have much sense of what's happening. This. TERRIFIES. Me.\n\n \nEssentially, I have a chance at finally feeling better but to do so I have to face my biggest fear. \n\n\nSO. Has anyone done ketamine treatments? Have you had similar concerns? What was it like, good or bad? I really appreciate any input or advice!", "Ketamine while waiting for med to kick in? I'm in really bad shape while I wait for Cymbalta to kick in. \n\nIt's worked for me well in the past, and I want to be on it so it will help my fibro as well.\n\nUnfortunately, I'm feeling nothing after 2 weeks on it and am terribly, glacially depressed.\n\nI doubt my doctor would go for this, but I'm curious if it's been an option for anyone. Has anyone gotten a ketamine injection to help you get through until a med kicks in? I haven't tried ketamine before but know it can help quickly. I wouldn't stay on the ketamine; I just need some sort of rescue.", "Anyone here who has gotten ketamine infusion(s)? Long story short, I just want to know if it's really as powerful as it is said to be.", "Most of the ketamine is 2-FDCK. \n \nI was given a vial of pharma ket by a friend who stole a bunch from an ambulance. I boofed small dose and fell asleep. Not recreational at all. \n \nKetamine is a safe anesthetic. The only one that can be used without a anesthetic doctor (sorry I don't remember the official term) present. \n \nI still have the glass vial. Reply to this comment and I can post a photo of it later.", "You have crystals. How do you know what ketamine it is? That's right there's no way to know. \n \nYou may be right in the sense that there might actually be more ketamine analogues on the streets than 2-FDCK. \n \nIn 2012 I ordered 20pcs LSD microdots from Germany using Black Market Reloaded 2.0. It was unlike any LSD I have ever experienced on a blotter. \n \nThere's a scientific explanation. There's shit ton of lysergamines out there. Different effects are the result of different active molecule. \n \nImpurities rarely are active so they don't explain the different effects. \n \nI now have the vial I mentioned earlier on my hand. Pzifer KETANEST-S esketamin 50mg/2ml. \n \nReal ketamine isn't a party drug. I have also snorted ketamine where single 15mg line put me to sleep. I have milligram scale and I use it. \n \nApparently you are supposed to combo ketamine with amphetamine so you don't fall asleep. Or you take ketamine analogues. \n \nI have also taken a ketamine few times and had a good time. But it's a shitty and expensive as fuck compared to what MXE was back in the day." ], "top_scores": [ 13.297030448913574, 13.186688423156738, 12.919179916381836, 12.395852088928223, 12.34998893737793 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents inquiries and experiences regarding the use of ketamine as a therapeutic or pharmacological intervention.", "pearson_r": 0.35608668968569357, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2964, "freq": 0.007892282848500012, "mean_pos": 3.638798475265503, "max_act": 13.210564613342285, "log_density": -2.1027973035997207, "top_texts": [ "It’s a funny concept and I’m not saying someone with anti social personality disorder can’t be political but it certainly goes against the idea of being anti social or atleast it seams that way to me. In my opinion I doubt very many with ASPD care enough about any particular causes to maintain any level of dedication to it add to that a general distrust of authority figures, a distaste for excessive rules and a probable history of getting punished by the system. Doesn’t seem like the environment for highly political people, maybe to use a political ideology to con people but actually care about other people enough to be involved or follow politics? Seems unlikely to me but who knows. \n\nI see no difference between modern political ideologies and medieval religious factions. It’s all just about power and control. It’s built on a foundation of lies and it’s incredibly divisive in nature. It doesn’t really matter which one you follow they will all leave you disappointed and subservient. It’s a necessary evil to me nothing more nothing less. Keep some semblance of order so I can go to McDonald’s and get a fucking happy meal and go home without catching a flaming arrow in the side of the head from a wandering tribe that formed after society full collapsed and thats all I expect from it", "I’m cutting out politics. It causes me too much anxiety, depression, and stress. I’ve gone back and forth over this for a while, but I’ve come to a decision. I’m cutting out politics. \nI’m not reading the news, I’m not watching political debates, I’m definitely not voting. I’m out. \nI am clinically depressed and my first priority has to be myself. I’m not skimming the paper anymore, I’m not opening political news stories, I’m not turning on NPR. I’m not keeping up with it. \nI wake up everyday thinking about how awful the world is and I can’t do it anymore. At some point I have to take a step back and take care of myself. The 24/7 news and media cycle isn’t mentally healthy. I feel like the media is slowly driving me insane and I can’t do it anymore. I won’t.\nI’ve really struggled with this because I’ve always want to do the right thing, and people often tell me that Caring About Things(tm)is my civic and moral duty. Wrong. My first priority is my mental health. End of story. You can’t pour from an empty cup. \nPolitics only leads to me obsessively checking my phone everyday, ruminating thought circles that only cause me dread and anxiety over the future. I don’t owe anyone my peace of mind. I don’t owe anyone my sanity.", "Politics is killing me, and 2017 was the year everything became political Everything. From my mental illness and even the damn internet I use every day...\n\nI get my mother telling me that I need to get away from it. Asking if I'm a glutton for punishment or something.\n\nHow do I get away? I can't ignore it because it affects me.... I just don't know what to do", "It's not the same exactly, but back in 2022 when a certain political event happened, I went on my snapchat story and I cried about it. Someone from school came into my DMs told me it wasn't that deep and that I was a crybaby. I take criticism very harshly, so I stopped engaging in politics for a long time and wouldn't allow myself to get upset. Now, when I want to be involved in politics, I feel I can't access the despair and passion I felt before. It makes me feel like a bad person :(", "This seems to just be a poll, but if anybody decides to pull something like \"you can't have SzPD if you're a (insert political tendency here)\", it'll be considered misinformation and be removed." ], "top_scores": [ 13.210564613342285, 12.862763404846191, 11.216156005859375, 10.759871482849121, 10.71109676361084 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The intersection of political engagement and its impact on mental health or personality disorder management.", "pearson_r": 0.7259645698653444, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8865, "freq": 0.0063456683421657155, "mean_pos": 4.505070209503174, "max_act": 16.67159652709961, "log_density": -2.19752256170522, "top_texts": [ "Also a pisces sun, Aquarius moon was your mom neglected emotionally growing up? I was so I try really hard not to be but it takes a lot work doesn’t come naturally", "Haha sorry currently pregnant and off my adhd medications. At home with kids all day… he is An Aries sun Venus cancer rising Scorpio moon mars Saturn. It’s like speaking two different languages sometimes. But there is so much to learn from the other.", "Aquarius moon with a Gemini sun Aquarius moon daughter ! I was pretty neglected emotionally growing up and try so hard to not make my kids feel that way…the day she told me she felt\nUnderstood by me was the greatest day of my life", "Aqua moon married to a scorpio moon. I’m crazier. I just hide it", "My husband is an Aries sun Venus Scorpio moon he doesn’t want to hangout with anyone but us. Sometimes I wish he wanted friends. Just for his own mental health" ], "top_scores": [ 16.67159652709961, 16.612510681152344, 16.35858917236328, 16.318021774291992, 16.28708839416504 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions centered on astrological personality profiling and its perceived influence on emotional attachment and parenting styles.", "pearson_r": 0.4290620657424805, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8396, "freq": 0.0073919075670389155, "mean_pos": 3.8524534702301025, "max_act": 10.392600059509277, "log_density": -2.1312434136867657, "top_texts": [ "I feel we aren't great with boundaries. Yes this is way too old lol", "Setting boundaries without them being on board and without them getting anything in return might be harmful, so for each boundary you set, ask yourself why it was crossed in the first place and if you two together can find a good alternative that will give them the same feeling and validation that caused the overstep. Communication is key :)", "I'm glad you are focused on boundaries now. Best of luck!", "You have to have boundaries and a clear definition of where they are and aren’t in the first place to know you are crossing them, so if you are aware of this you have boundaries and are aware of other peoples boundaries as well which is more than most people with ASPD can say. \n\nMost people with personality disorders have poor to non existent boundaries and this goes both ways not just crossing others boundaries but not have any clearly defined ones of your own so other people know where they stand with you. Or boundaries and morals that are constantly shifting. Long story short you seem to have a good grasp where boundaries are and that you are crossing them, that’s good it gives you a clear path of what to work on.\n\nThis is some of the deeper reasons for the dysfunction in pwPDs, I heard an axample of a narcissistic patient that wouldn’t allow her son to date or have a personal life and would intentionally sabotage every attempt at a normal relationship he had. The reason was the mother saw the son as property he existed to take care of her in her old age, he wasn’t a living breathing human with needs and desires like her he was created by her to take care of her and he had no needs or purpose outside of this in her eyes. This is classic boundary issues the mother is oblivious to the sons needs, and the son is oblivious that he probably also has a personality disorder and can set Boundaries with the mother and not let her cross them. He just doesn’t know how to do that because he was taught by her he has no boundaries and she has the right to do whatever she wants because she is his mother. Sick right?", "I saw a bunch of comments arguing about what a \"boundary\" is. " ], "top_scores": [ 10.392600059509277, 10.10604476928711, 9.41038703918457, 9.383631706237793, 8.755950927734375 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization and implementation of interpersonal boundaries.", "pearson_r": 0.47995338012115624, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6953, "freq": 0.008165214820206063, "mean_pos": 3.4737157821655273, "max_act": 12.352411270141602, "log_density": -2.0880323316516423, "top_texts": [ "\"You could bleed out!\"\n\"You could die!\"\nI didn't care about any of those, but if I knew about this thing I might've thought twice..😭\nNo one ever told me that when you go deeper, and your scars aren't professionally treated and healed that way...that they'll itch... CONSTANTLY. Even three years later with fully healed scars...still fucking itchy.\nEspecially when I'm hot and its summer, genuine HELL. It feels like thousands of mosquito bites all over my body 24/7. Some nights I'll be laying in bed unable to sleep cause I'll just be itching my legs cause it's so bad. It feels like what my eczema felt like on my feet when it was at its worst but there's nothing I can do to fix it.", "I wish my scars were more visible than they are. I haven't done it in a while but I wish that when I was doing it, that I made it so the scars would be bigger. Most of mine are very faint but you can kind of see them if youre looking for them. I don't know why I want them, maybe it's just as simple as showing that you've been through some shit and made it out on the other side. Or just thinking scars look cool. I dunno what's considered \"ok\" to say about it but I just like them 😬", "I have terrible scars but I’m engaged and our wedding is next year. It’s absolutely possible ❤️‍🩹", "me except it's not even the healing, my scars just itch 24/7", "Everytime I see my legs I'm just grossed out by all the big scars. I just want pretty smooth legs so I can feel comfortable with shorts, because when I do wear shorts I just get looks/stares." ], "top_scores": [ 12.352411270141602, 12.294679641723633, 11.994942665100098, 11.746604919433594, 11.650556564331055 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the physical and emotional experience of self-harm scarring.", "pearson_r": 0.5110456895571738, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1704, "freq": 0.010098482953123935, "mean_pos": 2.8018999099731445, "max_act": 5.8482747077941895, "log_density": -1.995743820297799, "top_texts": [ "Vyvanse people? Totally polite. Adderall user? Trying to refill earlier and earlier every month, mad at me because insurance won't cover it, mad I can't even do anything about that.", "Undiagnosed adhd Hi I've been avoiding getting diagnosed with adhd ever since I started college. My grades have always gone up and down, but I'm now at the point where I'm in grad school and it is affecting my ability to take exams. I'm up for dismissal from my school and I need to get evaluated asap. Where should I go?", "Self denial that's something is wrong Anyone else came to the point that you know there's something mentally wrong with you but in denial because you don't other people to let them know BUT at the same time you want them to understand?\n\nYeah. I'm fcking messed up right now.", "Why do I always push away those people who are genuinely eager to be in my life? I have this friend who I've recently met as she lives near where I stay. We bumped into each other and she started to get really close to me and we spoke about many things. Off late I just don't want her in my life and I try to avoid her as much as I can (even as blatant as avoiding her when she's near home and is shouting my name). This has happened to a couple of people in my life already but it's never been as extreme as this. I really don't understand my brain sometimes.", "A bad case of the fuck yous Does this happen to you guys? Like everything ticks you off and your in a grouchy mood all day. Is that ADHD or what?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.8482747077941895, 5.76333475112915, 5.5176801681518555, 5.279519557952881, 5.214613437652588 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the internal struggle of navigating undiagnosed or poorly managed ADHD symptoms and their impact on interpersonal relationships and emotional regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.30577178889099776, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3608, "freq": 0.009120476721177247, "mean_pos": 3.0887491703033447, "max_act": 8.76028060913086, "log_density": -2.0399824131806303, "top_texts": [ "I thought it was “cool” to be late all the time and have people wait on me like I’m important or something lol now it’s a bad habit", "Thank you to the people that understand! I don't know why but I just really want to thank the people that get how hard it can be, or just understand that mistakes you make, or things you forget, or being late is something you can't really help. Honestly that support makes such a monumental difference. \n\nI haven't been on time to work once in the past year, and my boss has never complained about it. He doesn't even bring it up, I think in his head he's just adjusted my start time to 2:10 instead of 2. Because honestly I'm going to be late but at least I don't have the tension of waiting to get chewed out over it. \n\nLikewise my friends generally expect me to be between half-an-hour to an hour late, and if it's essential we get there on time they show up early to force me to get ready. \n\nTLDR: A shoutout to everyone that has accepted your difficulties and accept that it's a part of you instead of raging at what you can't change.", "My therapist will not continue to counsel me because I'm always late. She says this is a sign I'm not motivated to change and that counselling will not help me. \n\nWhich is ironically the main reason I looked for a therapy -> Motivation to take part in life -> having my life in order so that I don't oversleep -> being punctual.", "The relationship we have with our therapist *is* a relationship, despite the scheduled nature of the contact and the fee. It took me a long time to work out that my behaviour actually impacted my T i.e. there were two of us in this dynamic, not just me. Also, often the way we treat our T mirrors how we treat others in life. I wonder if your significant others have ever felt that you were non-committal or inconsistent in your willingness to give them your time and attention? A good therapist *should* confront frequent cancellations as part of an unhealthy dynamic that interferes with progress in therapy. They should model what happens to relationships when you are unable to commit your time and attention: you lose them. In modelling this they hope you can learn to do things differently with the real people in your life. From a health economics viewpoint, they should also raise termination with inconsistent clients, so that someone else can benefit from the therapist as a resource instead.", "WHY is everyone so damn punctual Seriously it seems punctuality is the number one asset everyone seems to care about.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nToday we had a peerranking of our group project in uni, so we give constructive critiscism to each other to help each other be better.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nEveryone gave me the same main criticism: 'Be on time for meetings'. Wich is fair because i often am 5 to 10 minutes later than we agreed. The thing i don't agree with is how this particular shortcoming of mine somehow seems to shape my entire personality in their minds. They all think I don't care about the project and that I don't put in alot of work. The stupid thing being that i've done a shitload of the work in this project, more than anyone else. They do mention that the work i do make is of good quality but they say it exactly like that: 'the work i do make', while i've done most of the assignments. Nobody sees or acknowledges this because I am 5 minutes late sometimes. When I arrive we usually spend 10 more minutes talking about random bullshit before we even begin so WHY DO PEOPLE CARE DAMN MUCH.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThere's also this other guy who is very punctual, friendly, funny and a nice guy all around. But he does jack shit for the group. Does barely any work. His criticism was way more positive because he is at school literally always. Because of his overal friendliness and him always being there he can get away with seemlingly everything.\n\n&#x200B;\n\n&#x200B;\n\nIt upsets me that being punctual seems to be so much more important than anything else in this world and i sucks that i'm so bad at it while i try so hard every day to be on time.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAnyway i just needed to vent, if you read this far i would love your thoughts on this topic or share your own experiences." ], "top_scores": [ 8.76028060913086, 8.371878623962402, 7.7412919998168945, 6.813702583312988, 6.8000593185424805 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with chronic lateness and the associated interpersonal or therapeutic consequences.", "pearson_r": 0.5972941775681666, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5997, "freq": 0.009643596333613847, "mean_pos": 2.904581308364868, "max_act": 6.607670783996582, "log_density": -2.0157609317911054, "top_texts": [ "Do you feel like you’ll ever meet anyone you like as much as them again?", "Just read it yourself, then, and you can imagine whatever voices you like.", "Fair enough, it would make sense for you to feel that way. It sounds hard having that pressure to socialise along with finding it so difficult", "You would feel the exact same thing if you were a wageslave. ", "The fact that you cannot see this, that you cannot understand how much it has to hurt him to know that his mother could love a child and want to be someone’s mother, and that every time he sees your face and hears your voice, you are a reminder of the fact that he wasn’t wanted means you are just as awful and self-centered as your witch of a mother." ], "top_scores": [ 6.607670783996582, 6.157470226287842, 6.021416187286377, 5.830501556396484, 5.344372749328613 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the projection of emotional states, perspectives, or motivations onto another person.", "pearson_r": 0.7780446426948014, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4681, "freq": 0.009279687038005777, "mean_pos": 2.9954330921173096, "max_act": 7.151094436645508, "log_density": -2.0324666235279, "top_texts": [ "I'm 27 and I can't get my drivers license Constantly I am told I have to start driving, I have to get a license, it's like a rite of passage or something. \nI didn't feel compelled to go for the test until I was 21, after so much pressure from those I know. I used the online practice tests available, and tried to answer the questions as best I could, but the official test doesn't allow one wrong answer. I made a wrong answer which bummed me out, the workers at the road school made me do it again, but I was so burnt up from the first failure I tanked even worse. \n\nI feel like such a loser for letting something so trivial stop me, I want to get my license and drive like people tell me to, everyone around me is getting their licenses, even kids next door to me who are only 16. \n\nIt doesn't help that many I know will shame me if I admit to not having a license, sometimes I get tempted to just make up that I have a disease or something so they will get off my back.\n\nSorry for posting something so trivial here, I guess I'm just drunk (again) and feeling abit frustrated.\n\nI feel intense anxiety when I even use the practice dummy tests they have on these websites. I don't really know if I actually WANT to drive a car, and I know it would make everything easier such as transport wise. \n\nHas anyone else been through this? Trying to get past this one tiny but fucking infuriating part of their life that they don't feel they can get through?", "I have a hard time with impulse buying so i made myself a sign It says: dont buy shit\nLink: http://imgur.com/a/qQpgaT8", "Zero motivation to learn anything new I've come to the realization that I don't want to better myself if it involves teaching myself. I hate learning that way and it's not as effective as having a mentor or teacher present. \n\nI'm in the marketing field and it's very \"never stop learning\" and \" you should be using the quarantine to create a new side hustle or get a new skill\". I have zero motivation to further my learning even when there's no quarantine. I want to move up in my career but without a teacher, mentor, or even someone else in my field that I can go to, it's near impossible. \n\nI literally need someone to walk me through things, which people might see as hand-holding. I'm aware that people can't just walk me through life, but there's gotta be some kind of solution\n\nI don't know anyone else who feels like this so is this normal? I WANT to want to learn, but straight up I do not want to learn a new skill. I know it will get me further in my career and my life, but I just can't bring myself to care.\n\nI'm on antidepressants and they've worked wonders for me the past year, but I can't get past this hurdle. It's starting to affect my job and such. Any advice is appreciated!", "Lion's Mane mushrooms aid in neurogenesis btw, if you can find any in grocery store", "How hard was it for you to learn how to drive? I find myself struggling to think about everything i need to do in order to not crash so overwhelming, I need to get my license but ive reached a dead end" ], "top_scores": [ 7.151094436645508, 6.233789443969727, 6.1281867027282715, 5.9282355308532715, 5.688375949859619 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with executive functioning and the anxiety associated with acquiring practical life skills.", "pearson_r": 0.37925666301115424, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6755, "freq": 0.008893033411422203, "mean_pos": 3.1089391708374023, "max_act": 7.589064598083496, "log_density": -2.0509500271871066, "top_texts": [ "Think of it like checking people out. You wouldn't check someone out in front of your partner, so why would you do it behind a screen. Liking posts is a form of communication. Either you're trying to communicate to the person you like what you see, trying to communicate to others that you like what you see or you are wanting to see more of the women's content on your feed. I dont believe there is not a single motivation for liking the women's post, unless you just sporadically like everything you see. In that case, it'd be best to change that habit. Whether you like it or not, liking posts is a communication. No women wants to see a post of woman liked by their partner, because it leads the women to think 'this is what he finds attractive and she looks nothing like me'. Then the comparison and the insecurities begin.", "I don't know what timeline you were in, but I was in the one where women were spray-tanned bright orange with shimmery eyelids and pencil-thin brows, fried blonde hair, and the kind of skinny that could only be maintained by Diet Coke, amphetamines and bulimia.", "It's also women criticizing other women. I have stretch marks all over my body and I get comments like \"Ewww why don't you laser them off?\" or \"Wow I'd never have the courage to wear shorts if my legs looked like yours.\" from women all the time. I was fine with them before that. It took me a while to be fine again afterwards.", "It’s insane when girls do that to their face and try to convince us how confident they are as a confident person I would never get Botox or anything. She looks 40! Before women do that to their face, they should have to do mandatory intensive therapy", "Right?! They need help😢I laugh at these comments bc some of them are just unbelievable but at the end of the day it’s just sad and these women are being humiliated." ], "top_scores": [ 7.589064598083496, 7.355470657348633, 6.9577765464782715, 6.881696701049805, 6.622565269470215 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures critical judgment and social commentary regarding female appearance, beauty standards, and body image.", "pearson_r": 0.6720283471115724, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9444, "freq": 0.00882480041849569, "mean_pos": 3.125504970550537, "max_act": 7.526817321777344, "log_density": -2.054295058611173, "top_texts": [ "I just planted my first tree! Man this app forest is fantastic! I don’t know how it works, but as soon as I plant the tree I don’t want to touch my phone (even if I’ll check if the tree is done sometimes lol). It works so good and I’m just happy! Sorry if this is an unnecessary post, maybe someone will find this fantastic app though. ", "Diary I started keeping a diary, or I guess it's a journal. Felt a little weird being 32 and having one. But writing stuff down, feelings, activities for the day an such seems to help. Plus it gives me a chance to work on my hand writing. I cant believe how bad it had gotten lol", "Yes it does. It's heartwarming for a child who feels like he has no one ... to finally find a pet who is similar to him.", "How to make myself keep a diary (for appointments, not a journal) Hello redditors, I am a first time poster, but I've been lurking here for advice for a while.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nOne of the most helpful ADHD tips I've received was about Habitica, the habit forming, game playing app. Before I discovered it on this reddit group, I had real problems with keeping a to-do list. I would write myself a list, then promptly lose it or never look at it again. I was never able to keep one for more than a few days and they served no purpose whatsoever, it didn't stop me from procrastinating or forgetting. Habitica finally turned that around and by turning my to-do, daily tasks and habit lists into a game, I am finally able to start completing tasks more efficiently. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nI was wondering whether anyone had any similar diary app or tips. I do the same with a diary as I used to do with a to-do list - I'll buy one and spend ages filling it out, then I'll lose it or never look at it again. People have suggested I use google calendar but the same happens really, I only very occasionally make an entry for my google calendar, and even when I do it serves no purpose because I don't look at it. It's very frustrating at work because I can never remember when my meetings are etc.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nHas anyone found a life changing life hack for keeping track of what's happening when?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nThanks!", "Found a new habit app that I thought some of you might like too! Hey everyone!\n\nI just saw this app on the iOS App Store’s Today tab, and I thought I’d check it out. I think the UI is gorgeous, and the idea seems really promising, so I thought I’d share it here so more people can maybe benefit from it: \n\n[Fabulous App](https://itunes.apple.com/gb/app/fabulous-motivate-me/id1203637303?mt=8)" ], "top_scores": [ 7.526817321777344, 6.550520420074463, 6.425276279449463, 6.35690975189209, 6.279818058013916 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the adoption of structured self-management tools, habits, or external aids to improve daily functioning and well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.02305578692501719, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6991, "freq": 0.006254691018263698, "mean_pos": 4.403720855712891, "max_act": 12.592519760131836, "log_density": -2.203794070153071, "top_texts": [ "300mg of Wellbutrin worsening depression Hey guys so about 10 days ago I upped from 150mg to 300mg of wellbutrin once daily in the morning.\n\nOn 150mg I didn‘t feel any effects.\nNow on 300mg it seems like my concentration might be slightly better. \n\nBut now after 10 days I often get that enorm rushes of nervous and stressful kind of hurtful depression. \n\nThat‘s especially the case when I‘m alone or when I‘m not stimulated by any stimuli. As I have social anxiety, people around me kind of stimulate me. Maybe that‘s the reason why I‘m not getting depressed when people or friends are around me. Or it‘s just the typical effect of distraction.\n\nTo my question: What would you say out of your experience? Is it normal to feel those side effects beginning the higher dose of 300mg wellbutrin? Is it a sign that the dosage might be too high, that I should stop, that the medicament is not the right one for me? \n\nThe depressive phases are very bad. I‘m in Europe, here it’s 6 am right now, and I just woke up at 5 with bad symptoms of depression and future anxiety.\n\nThank you for your attention!", "Wellbutrin side effects I've been taking wellbutrin for a couple weeks at 150mg and nothing happened and I stopped because I got the flu and was throwing up and didn't take them. My doctor increased the dosage to 300mg because I told him like two months of the 150mg wasn't doing anything. It's been about a week on the 300mg and it's been brutal. Every night my anxiety worsens and gets really bad and breathing gets harder and it feels like my throat is closing up and I get really scared. Is this a sign I should lower the dosage, stop taking Wellbutrin, or is this normal and I should lower through it?", "Just started taking Wellbutrin (bupropion) for focusing issues any advice/experiences with it? I just started taking Wellbutrin at only 75mg (low dose, I know) and am looking to see if it has helped anyone else on here. \n\nMy doctor said I can pick and choose when to take it, and that I don't need to take it all the time unless I want to. Does anyone else do that here?\n\nShe also said that I can increase my dosage to 150mg if I find that it helps better, and to just make sure I NEVER exceed 450mg. \n\nAny tips for a newbie? Any experiences shared would be greatly appreciated!\n\nAlso, how long did it take for you to notice an effect? I just started today. \n\nThank you :-)", "Bupropion is underrated Been on Wellbutrin for 5 years and quit due to the erroneous misdiagnosis of “mania,” from a nurse practitioner. After slipping into the worst depression of my life, I decided enough was enough and got my Wellbutrin refilled. My current medications are remeron 15 mg, Wellbutrin 150mg , and Depakote 1500mg. \n\nDepression is something I am well accustomed to. After medicating it’s successfully for five years, slipping back into it was more obvious to me. It wasn’t the delusional melancholia that comes with depression. I never felt like life was not worth living. I did realize that I couldn’t get out of bed, or go to work, or do the dishes, and simple shit that tends to derail life completely. \n\nWellbutrin has been amazing to me. The first few days, I can appreciate the sudden boost of targeted dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibition. It is not unlike chewing on some Delisse mate de coca, or taking a low dose of Ritalin. Once the depression forcibly clears and the stimulation is in full force, it is possible to once again believe in yourself, seek pleasure in goals, and remember why you sought treatment in the first place. \n\nToo much dopamine reuptake inhibition will lead to sleep deprivation and psychosis, and mania. Wellbutrin gives me enough of a jolt to believe in myself, and I enter into a positive feedback loop of taking pleasure in fulfilling my own potential. A little too much however, has me feeling irritable and feeling intense noise sensitivity. Sometimes stereotypical movements and TMJ problems become more pronounced, which is why depakote is thrown into the mix. It prevents the undesirable side effects that can force one into a destructive manic state.", "Wellbutrin/bupropion causing fatigue? Howdy, \n\nI started taking Wellbutrin 6 weeks ago. I'm taking 150mg SR twice a day (generic), usually when I wake up and then again 8 hours later. I've been able to accomplish a little more than before I started, but I'm beginning to experience a very unpleasant side-effect. Before I started, I was pretty tired out all the time, so I figured Wellbutrin would help. When I first started, it did. But sometime in the last week or so I started getting very, very fatigued. I chalked it up to my menstrual cycle but that's been done for a few days now, and the fatigue is still lingering. \n\nIt started off as waking up groggy, but that would clear up. Now the grogginess doesn't clear off at all. I've tried to Google other people having this experience but I can't seem to find anything about it. The websites listing side effects dont list it at all.\n\nHas anyone else experienced this? Does it get better? \n\nThanks! \n\nP.S. I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow but I wanted to get other people's experiences" ], "top_scores": [ 12.592519760131836, 11.576106071472168, 11.380805015563965, 11.35850715637207, 11.334147453308105 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of Wellbutrin (bupropion) dosage, usage experiences, and medication management.", "pearson_r": 0.5780890414293827, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7990, "freq": 0.006959765278504333, "mean_pos": 3.9413654804229736, "max_act": 8.46699047088623, "log_density": -2.1574053445360173, "top_texts": [ "Got my diagnose and meds last week My doctor prescribed me 20mg Ritalin IR that I would take in the morning. The effects would last for three hours and then go off. Since i study, it got very frustrating when the Ritalin stopped working. My doctor then told me this week to take 40mg in the morning, but it also wears off after 3 hours. What should I do? Is it some other medication that lasts for a whole day? Or should I ask my doctor to raise the dose up to 60mg? Im 20 years and weight 80kg. ", "Was on ritalin for 4 years When I was 12 I got ritalin from my doctor, and I was on it for 4 years. Could my brain have gotten damaged? Thx", "Feeling nausea on Ritalin I’ve been taking Ritalin for about a week now, I feel nausea when I take it. I know you eat and drink lots of water on them, but anyone have any tips? Someone once told me a protein shake.. what’s your guys ideas?", "About Ritalin \"breaks\" and alcohol Can you drink alcohol while taking \"breaks\" from Ritalin? My doctor said it's fine as long as I don't overdo it, but I was curious if this subreddit had any experience regarding the matter. My main concern is if Ritalin could stay enough time in my body to cause trouble, even if I take a day off and not take it. I'm currently taking 10mg 2 times a day (morning and noon). Thanks in advance!", "Wondering why Ritalin LA I am being prescribed is higher dosage than the regular Ritalin I'm prescribed Hey everyone,\n\nMy doc prescribes me 10 mg Regular Ritalin and 20 mg Ritalin LA (extended release).\n\nI was wondering why that might be.\n\nAnyone can share an insight?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.46699047088623, 8.384876251220703, 8.258516311645508, 8.214147567749023, 7.736485004425049 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the practical management, dosage, and side effects of Ritalin medication.", "pearson_r": 0.4430578299374036, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9278, "freq": 0.008006004503377533, "mean_pos": 3.3966615200042725, "max_act": 10.02267074584961, "log_density": -2.096584115694107, "top_texts": [ "7w5d. I’m not feeling too much of anything besides tiredness and mild nausea. I worried so obsessively the last few weeks that I’ve almost started to go numb…all I can do is wait for my OB appointment Monday and either get good or bad news. Hope everyone else here is well.", "My symptoms this time started subsiding at 8 weeks. I’m 16 now and anxious awaiting the 20w scan.", "Tomorrow is an appointment with my OB and the nerves are kicking in. I am 13 weeks 1 day. I don’t feel much of ANYTHING. I was panicking 2-3 weeks ago when I didn’t have symptoms and then we heard the heartbeat and all was well. So I am just hoping, wishing and praying about tomorrow. Trying not to think about it too much because then I will just end up in a spiral and I need to get through work. I wish I felt more symptoms. I basically just feel normal, albeit my belly getting bigger.", "19 weeks and I think I am feeling movement now finally but it stresses me out when I'm NOT feeling it, one more thing to stress about lol. I think I started feeling it at 16 weeks but would go for several day stints of also feeling nothing which would cause panic.", "I’m finally starting to get nauseous, at 5w6d. However I’ve had cramps that are driving me crazy. I know they’re normal but every time I feel them I panic and think it’s the beginning of the end. This anxiety will be the absolute death of me." ], "top_scores": [ 10.02267074584961, 9.614273071289062, 9.289175033569336, 9.033801078796387, 8.615571022033691 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents pregnancy-related anxiety and health-related hypervigilance.", "pearson_r": 0.2796649893646186, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5217, "freq": 0.008074237496304046, "mean_pos": 3.3601865768432617, "max_act": 9.171260833740234, "log_density": -2.092898426575562, "top_texts": [ "Dissociation For those that have a problem with dissociation ,does it feel like your whole body is numb at times? .its gotten better but when i am having a bad time it is full force dissociation its tough to get through .do you have any tricks besides the usual grounding technique?", "edit to add: once i learned what dissociation was, i realized i had been dissociating regularly in my life to some degree. but i think at a time in my life where my emotions were the strongest, they traumatized me a bit so now i wonder if i just auto-dissociate when i have any emotion. when i was younger i often got the message my emotions were inappropriate or invalid", "I tend to dissociate when I’m in an episode. It makes it really hard for me to remember things, especially things I said during an argument. But it allows means I forget other things too, and that really sucks.", "Dissociation I know it may be a little difficult to explain/remember, but what exactly happens during a dissociative episode? Does the brain kind of shut off or are there any thoughts that form? Or is there any awareness of thoughts?\n\nAlso, is this a stupid question? lol", "I’m in a vicious cycle of disassociating very severely & having no personality. But if I stop dissociating I am struck with overwhelming emotions & when I try yo figure out my emotions the dissociation comes back. Everything feels so hopeless in these moments. Any advice is deeply appreciated, thank you \nhttps://reddit.com/r/Dissociation/comments/1jycr8d/need_help_figuring_out_what_to_do/" ], "top_scores": [ 9.171260833740234, 7.7894134521484375, 7.709390163421631, 7.695579528808594, 7.562628269195557 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience and cognitive impact of dissociative episodes.", "pearson_r": 0.8173187743413259, "pred_f1": 0.8695652173913043 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2745, "freq": 0.00825619214410808, "mean_pos": 3.2854554653167725, "max_act": 9.571943283081055, "log_density": -2.0832201557799466, "top_texts": [ "Hehe, it's incredible to see how much time and freedom you gain once you leave the church. And also how much stress you don't have. :)", "It will take time. You are relieved but the anger is overpowering it and that in itself is a burden you need to shed so you can feel the relief. And the thing is that you're out of the church now, but the church's claws are not out of you yet and after 30 years that's a lot to deal with. Patience is the word sadly, but it does get better over time.", "I'm 50 years old. Have been out of the church for just over 25 years. It's gotten less but I still have memories and well I have issues with not feeling worthy to the point that it's classed as a personality disorder that I struggle with daily.", "I have mental health issues, personality disorders even and part of the reason for that is the church. It's not the only reason, my parents have a lot to answer for, but the church definitely made things worse for me.", "So my point is, that no matter how dark it might get, things will work out in the end. There is a life for you outside of the church, but you start from scratch with that. You're new at this and you have to give yourself time to find out where you want to stand in this new life." ], "top_scores": [ 9.571943283081055, 9.350475311279297, 9.282252311706543, 9.187082290649414, 8.829898834228516 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological trauma and long-term emotional impact associated with religious deconstruction and leaving a high-control religious group.", "pearson_r": 0.4586948774191081, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7364, "freq": 0.009461641685809812, "mean_pos": 2.861189603805542, "max_act": 5.636757850646973, "log_density": -2.0240334568910474, "top_texts": [ "Getting drug tested for stims prescription in a legal cannabis state like Michigan? I am wondering if other people on here take drug screens with their doc for their stimulant prescriptions, if they are in a legal state are they allowed to use cannabis?\n\nIt should be just like drinking a glass of wine, right? I am always honest with my doc, they just always told me don’t cannabis for 30 days before any appointment so that I would be clear. Now cannabis is legal and I am unclear if I can do it before appointments now.", "Traumatic experiences certainly count - they're environmental stimuli that are experienced as overwhelmingly distressful to us. We have an initial response to trauma that is based on our genetic temperament, and if our response helps us navigate the trauma, then it is reinforced in our behaviour. Of course, just because it helps us navigate the trauma doesn't mean it cannot be maladaptive.", "And even diagnoses are not used as a means of excusing your behaviors- they’re used to help change behaviors, not accept them.", "Yeah definitely. The DSM is a good guideline for those looking into getting a formal assessment but shouldn't be the only basis of diagnosis.", "So doing EMDR you go through like circuits of different things that have made you who you are. And rewire them individually." ], "top_scores": [ 5.636757850646973, 5.48158597946167, 5.434945106506348, 5.385256767272949, 5.220484256744385 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the clinical, diagnostic, and therapeutic framework of mental health treatment.", "pearson_r": 0.2388369178772291, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8120, "freq": 0.009416153023858804, "mean_pos": 2.835972309112549, "max_act": 5.570862293243408, "log_density": -2.02612644617515, "top_texts": [ "i need advice. (tw rape) i’m 16 and i was raped in june. since then i’ve left school to avoid seeing my rapist, but i saw him again today with a girl. i know he still preys on girls, and gets them drunk. and i know he still violently attacks them. i have been to the police a month after it happened but i didn’t want to take it any further. lately i have been thinking about revisiting the detectives involved and taking it to court, however i’m scared this will make my (already hard to manage) ptsd and depression worse. i just want him to stop. i feel bad everytime i’m reminded that i let him get away with ruining my life and i feel like it’s my fault if he does it again because i could have stopped him. i’m so lost and everybody’s telling me something different but none of them have been in this position. please somebody who understands tell me what i should do.", "Is reevaluation worth it? Background: I got diagnosed as a young kid. Had medication for a while but been without for well over 10 years.\n\nWith starting university, I am experiencing new struggles I hadn't had before or had in a long time, so probably can't remember.\n\nMade an appointment to “re-evaluate“ my diagnosis as there's also discussion about its correctness in the family.\n\nIt's a month away and I am so unsure if I should go or cancel, because “everyone has their problems, if you get the diagnosis (again) you will treat yourself (and your future kids) much differently“.\n\nShould I go, even if nothing comes of it/the previous diagnosis is declared wrong?\n\n(Not looking for diagnosis, just pondering a decision and looking for someone who might have been there)", "Yes, you'll probably start coming to terms with some repressed stuff. BUT!!! Don't let it WORRY you. It will be a wonderful thing...to understand yourself better. To know yourself.", "The weirdest trip to me. You go through your own personal journey of like OMG what have I become. And then you are like oh....this is and was always me.", "Struggling with the growing up and change. I'm finding it very hard to comes to terms that I'm going to grow up and things will change. I am at the point in my life where its time for me to go to college. This causes me to spend lots of time (mostly when driving) thinking about what I've done with my life so far. All I think about is the future, how I will have my own life and that scares me. For some reason, I really do not like the idea of growing up. I sit up at night thinking of what it means to age and mature and I never find an answer which doesn't help at all. I have a lot of existential crises on a weekly basis. Trying to understand what life just brings me down. And it's weird because they just happen at random or after a milestone event, like graduating high school. Age and death scare me they are always on my mind clouding my thoughts. I just want to find a way to embrace change and growing up." ], "top_scores": [ 5.570862293243408, 5.4813385009765625, 5.237783908843994, 5.002754211425781, 4.955258369445801 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process of self-reflection, personal identity integration, and coming to terms with one's past or developmental transitions.", "pearson_r": 0.4870567873948489, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8170, "freq": 0.00918870971410376, "mean_pos": 2.904923439025879, "max_act": 6.954615592956543, "log_density": -2.036745421043803, "top_texts": [ "Views on the world I feel like expressing my feelings, it's stupid but it makes me feel a little bit better.\n\nThere's so much evil in this world, it outweighs the good. People die every second, there's rapes, murderers and people being tortured somewhere in the world at this moment, so how can someone feel safe and be happy in this rotten world? What's the point of living? We are born to die. We spent so much time doing things, educating, working and wasting your time on some people but it was all pointless. Nobody will remember after you're gone, people only care to use you for their own good, let's face it we are all selfish. People don't genuinely care for you. I don't know how people can have such a positive view on life when there's so many evil things in this world, me and many many more people being fucked over by life over and over again. Good people are punished while the evil ones lead a happy and wealthy life, manipulating others, being liked by everyone whilst you, the realest person cries themselves to sleep, broke financially and emotionally.\n\nLife is so unfair at least it's always been for me, I just don't understand, if there's such thing as God this all wouldn't be happening. It's a big mess, full of sadness, greed and evil.\n\nLife has no purpose, is all this suffering for nothing.. I don't want to sound selfish but I wish I was never born, in the end we will all be in pain and darkness.", "If we can't recognize the times where people do good, even the smallest acts like a child taking a worm off of the sidewalk on a rainy day and placing it on the grass, of course we'd think that people are evil. I recall many times where you discussed your lived experience with others degrading and humiliating you for who you were, and I can understand why it would reinforce this belief, but our perception of the world doesn't necessarily match material reality.", "Pessimism is realism. You avert disasters by focusing on what doesn't work. Optimism is delusional and is a receipe for disaster. ", "Is anyone else growing tired of this sick, fucked up world? My depression has improved recently, almost to the point that I can say it doesn’t have an adverse effect on my life. But as my self hatred and sadness go, I notice more about the world I live in. \n\nThere’s so much inequality, poverty, rape, death, sadness, pestilence etc in this world and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. A majority of the rich just sit back and watch as we destroy our planet like fat glutinous pigs. \n\nSometimes my girl-friends will show me the messages they get from guys on Instagram and some of the stuff they receive is absolutely vile - and these people walk among us like normal ordinary citizens. It makes me wonder what other people walk past me and I don’t bat an eyelid, a murderer? A rapist? A paedophile? \n\nEven on a smaller note, my girlfriend and I broke up two months ago, she got raped two weeks after this. It was really, really hard for me and I can only imagine how she felt. It put me back into a depressive episode but I came out of it. But all the while some of the people I consider friends gossiped and created rumours about her that weren’t true and you wouldn’t believe how horrible they were to her. Since I found out I’ve stopped associating with the “friends” in question. \n\nI find it hard to stay motivated and to want to live in this world when it’s filled with horrible people who do horrible things. I have such a negative outlook on life and I can’t even blame myself for it. I blame the world around me, I blame the people around me sometimes I wish I was dead just so I didn’t have to live in this place. Sometimes I manage to regain a positivistic view, but it all comes falling down again like an apple from a tree.", "I did! And she was right - the world is bullshit." ], "top_scores": [ 6.954615592956543, 6.803379058837891, 6.702676296234131, 6.700508117675781, 6.409537315368652 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a cynical or pessimistic worldview focused on the perceived inherent evil and suffering of the world at large.", "pearson_r": 0.2820158448921154, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10156, "freq": 0.00877931175654468, "mean_pos": 3.04032301902771, "max_act": 8.866084098815918, "log_density": -2.0565394792786362, "top_texts": [ "The thing with “high functioning” ASPD is for one all people function at a different level but the people I’ve known who had it some were just dickheads doing fucked up shit 24/7. Absolute assholes in general. Some were very functional at times and very smart and good with people socially but then would do extremely stupid shit like Rob a store for 100 dollars. It’s always comes out somehow, even if you can mask your disorder and not be on all the time and some are even sweet and appear really nice but they would Rob you blind if you left money they could get at friends or not. So I guess it depends on what you mean by high functioning. Also realize substance abuse disorders are rampant with ASPD so that just adds to the dysfunction", "I think I have high functioning depression and antidepressants haven't worked. What can i do? \nI have never been officially diagnosed with anything but I believe I have high functioning depression. I am a full time student and work full time, take care of my appearance and everything and have an active social life, but I'm miserable while doing all of it. There are admittedly a number of stressors in my life, but I tend to feel this way even when things are going well. Most of the time I cry all the way home from work and randomly have meltdowns when I'm home alone. I also feel the urge to completely isolate myself from everyone and that it would benefit my friends for me to do so. I feel like a burden 24/7 and because of this I am unable to express my feelings to anyone because I feel guilty about offloading on them. \n\nI spoke to my GP about this about six months ago and he offered to either refer me to a psychologist or prescribe me Zoloft. I took the Zoloft because I thought it would be a quicker solution. However, about six weeks into the prescription my mind had completely spun out of control and I was incredibly depressed and anxious, had suicidal thoughts, extremely painful breakouts and was saying the most irrational things to my friends. I felt like I had no control over what I said or did. So I quit taking the antidepressants and now I am back to how I was feeling for. I'm not sure what my options are but I am just so sad all the time. I have dealt with this for so long thinking that I had no problems because I am still able to function on a daily basis, but now I realise I may need help.", "You are functioning normally now, well for the most part. I don’t think that’s what people mean when they say high functioning or maybe I am misunderstanding but I usually see that used by people who say they have ASPD but have always functioned normally in life (which isn’t a disorder)I don’t agree with this, you have a history and are managing to cope with your condition that’s different", "If you get caught and locked up for those criminal activities you will qualify, that’s all it took for me. Jail and criminal convictions qualify for dysfunction apparently", "What does high-functioning ADHD look like? Is it more difficult to diagnose ADHD in such individuals?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.866084098815918, 8.10515308380127, 8.097132682800293, 7.279346942901611, 7.194119930267334 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the concept of \"high-functioning\" as a descriptor for mental health conditions or personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.4505418772005548, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2998, "freq": 0.007346418905087907, "mean_pos": 3.626709461212158, "max_act": 11.380842208862305, "log_density": -2.1339242519707433, "top_texts": [ "Invega made my negatives 10x worse and turned me into a suicidal zombie.\n\nLatuda helped my positive symptoms without aggravating the negatives but couldn't take it because of the akathisia.\n\nRexulti if anything helps the negatives for me but it's expensive if you don't have the right insurance.", "I have bipolar with psychotic features and being tested for schizoaffective over the next month.\n\nAround Christmas my psychiatrist put me on Invega. Within a week or so I got severely depressed and had sexual dysfunction. I had my dose cut in half for the next month - it was enough to throw me off but not enough to actually have an effect.\n\nI was switched to Latuda which seemed fine while titrating up, but 40mg gave me terrible akathisia so I had to dial back on that as well. The dose I'm on helps but only a tiny bit. I still have plenty of psychotic symptoms (even outside of mood episodes which is why I'm suspected to have schizoaffective). \n\nI was put on lamotrigine which helped somehwat and switched back to Invega. The same thing happened as before, the lamotrigine may as well not even have been there. Put back on low dose Latuda again. Next week I'm going to ask if I can be put on something that's not Latuda or Invega to see if anything else works.", "I noticed lots of side effects with both invega and latuda. Invega made me foggy and suicidal and latuda made me so restless I wanted to cut my own legs off.\n\nI take rexulti now which gives me a little worse anhedonia and flat affect, or just flat and gray life in general, but no movement related side effects which is all I can ask for. You need to get lucky with insurance to get it covered though.", "I've heard of people having good luck on Invega since it is, in a way, an evolved form of risperdal. Unfortunately I am not one of those people.\n\nThe first few days of oral tablets made me dizzy and tachycardia. By a couple weeks in I was incredibly depressed (like suicidal depressed), paranoid, fuzzy, and had sexual dysfunction issues.\n\nI stayed on it for two months to see if the side effects would go away. They didn't. I was put on Latuda instead which worked better but created terrible akathisia which was almost as bad as the Invega but in a different way. I was put back in Invega and it went horribly once again. Eventually I was put on Rexulti and things have been much better since.\n\nHopefully you get some more optimistic replies than mine. It simply did not agree with my body chemistry whatsoever. If at all possible maybe ask your psychiatrist if you can try oral invega first so that you don't have to sit with it for however many weeks after a depot shot.", "I wasn't on it for very long, but when I was I had worsened negative symptoms, sexual issues, and was suicidal. I was on it for a month and it took another month to get rid of the side effects. I tried Latuda for a while but the akathisia was so bad I had to go back to invega. Another month on it, and another month to recover from it. I've been on rexulti since then and it's much better. I can feel my crotch again, which is nice" ], "top_scores": [ 11.380842208862305, 11.003748893737793, 10.722193717956543, 10.49506664276123, 10.094917297363281 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures personal experiences and side-effect profiles of specific antipsychotic medications.", "pearson_r": 0.8889502222998638, "pred_f1": 0.9473684210526315 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9489, "freq": 0.008438146791912116, "mean_pos": 3.154143810272217, "max_act": 10.216780662536621, "log_density": -2.073752872335294, "top_texts": [ "I’m a 5’3 guy and I want to fucking kill myself. I hate living in a world where everyone looks down own me (literally/figuratively, but more of the latter). I read online forums and I search what people think about short guys on Twotter. They call people like me manlets, undeserving of any contact with other people in the dating world. Seriously, I know everyone has preferences...but height? It’s just not fucking fair. I’m 19 years old and I haven’t had sex for 4 years now. And that was with a girl an inch shorter than me and broke up with me to get with a guy at least a foot taller than me. I see tweets literally saying “we’re leaving short msn in 2019” WTF. It’s not the loneliness that gets me. Even when Im on my depressants, I think about this a lot, and shed so many fucking tears over it. It’s just not fair. It’s not even about the opposite sex, either. People literally treat me with less respect than those taller than me. I keep my head down in public now because of this. I try to ignore it, but I just fucking can’t. I want out. Please.", "People are ruthless, and they dont even know it. For the past two years of my, ive been called a Midget. I'm 5'1\", almost 5'2\", and past the point of classification. But everyone that's friends with me has pointed out that I'm a midget, saying shit that pisses me off. I know I cant do anything with my small stature, and it frustrates me that no one else really gets it. Sure, there are people smaller than me, but they dont get called that because they actually ARE in the classification.\n\nI'm right in the middle between being normal size and not, and everyone seems to think its okay to joke about. I didnt think of anything at first, but then it started to get tough when everyday, people would poke at me about being small. No matter what I do or how I feel, I'll always remember that I'm short. If I get into a relationship, theyll think it's weird that someone of my size would date a tall girl. I dont know how to win here. I cant control it, and even when they say theyre joking (rarely) I still dont change my view. Now it's so prominent that I can just look at myself for hours wondering how I'd look being half a foot taller. Fuck me.", "I'm 5'3\". I'm invisible to women and nobody takes me seriously. ", "NTA AT ALL! I’m 5’ 2” and I weigh 100lbs. I’ve been told I have the “ideal body type,” but actually I have MANY gastrointestinal diseases and issues that cause me to struggle to maintain, much less gain weight. I should be 120-130, especially considering my nutritional deficiencies & the amount of supplements I take. The only reason I explained this is because I’m on the exact opposite end of the post: My body is idealized constantly, and I have to inform people that I’m underweight and NOT ideal. My arms are tiny, my ribs and bones jut out, I faint from getting up, I can’t stand for long periods of time from nutritional deficits. I bet this “dude” would tell me how hot my body is, and I would have STILL gotten into this argument w/ him because I’m VERY vocal about not having a healthy body! I don’t want ANYONE to idealize my UNHEALTHY body.", "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be OVER From the movie Brain Candy. I highly recommend it. By The Kids in the Hall, a Canadian comedy troupe. " ], "top_scores": [ 10.216780662536621, 9.897444725036621, 9.83776569366455, 8.474298477172852, 7.860763072967529 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures distress and social alienation specifically related to short stature and body height.", "pearson_r": 0.3439468643138781, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1930, "freq": 0.007141719926308368, "mean_pos": 3.714150905609131, "max_act": 10.171841621398926, "log_density": -2.14619712453421, "top_texts": [ "Depersonalization and derealization are common in schizophrenia. Except for some negatives in high school they were my first symptom.", "Derealization is what led to panic attacks in my early STPD days, but I got used to it but when it went to schizophrenia it got way worse again.\n\nDerealization in STPD can happen either as a result of anxiety or as a result of self-disorders.\n\nIt can be helped by learning to cope with stress, and you can learn to cope with it by realizing that it itself is not dangerous.\n\nLearn more about self-disorders [here](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7583892_EASE-scale_Examination_of_Anomalous_Self-Experience).", "This is called derealization and it's a common occurrence in schizophrenia. It can happen for a lot of other reasons too, but in schizophrenia specifically it's part of something called ipseity disturbance which is basically a hard to explain change in how we experience our own minds and the world. It gets worse during psychotic episodes but usually exists in some form all the time.", "Heya I'm so sorry you're going through this. Depersonalization tends to be a form of dissociation. I've gone through it myself and something that helped me was grounding strategies. I have a few fidget tools that I begin to use when things feel unreal. My favorite is a spiky wooden ball that I roll around my hands and up and down my arms. I put in a lot of effort to focus on how the ball feels on my skin. This strategy tends to help my become more attuned to my body and my reality.", "This was a big symptom of mine in the early phases of the illness. It could be derealization from a lot of stress or anxiety, but schizophrenia can cause derealization and movie-set like experiences as well.\n\nCan't say you do or do not have schizophrenia, but I'd recommend getting looked at so you can get to the bottom of whatever is causing this." ], "top_scores": [ 10.171841621398926, 9.60236930847168, 9.543130874633789, 9.388020515441895, 9.376473426818848 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical experience of derealization and depersonalization, particularly in the context of schizophrenia and dissociative symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.6734769497380406, "pred_f1": 0.8235294117647058 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4042, "freq": 0.0073919075670389155, "mean_pos": 3.5882511138916016, "max_act": 10.00961971282959, "log_density": -2.1312434136867657, "top_texts": [ "in my opinion anything that makes me slightly annoyed I don't want to deal with it and I will block them, I have have enough to deal with in real life and I don't want my escape to be riddled with more stuff to deal with, I just want to chill...", "Ya what I do in order to not deal with that it’s blocking people", "My favorite person blocked me and I blame myself He was my ex, we were steady for 1 year and off and on for another, so 2 years In total I guess. It was the longest and one of the most stable relationships I’d ever had. It’s a long story and I really don’t want to have to type out all the details because I don’t want to end up triggering myself more. Long story short we were back together in December. He was acting weird and I just had this nudging feeling he was cheating on me. He was being distant. I acted out and left (not the first time I’ve done that, which I also hate myself for) I wanted to make him jealous so I got a new boyfriend. A month into the relationship with the new guy he breaks it off, I go back to my ex, hoping to start over. I find he has a new girlfriend. He said he still loves me but wants to give the new girl a chance. He then blocked me. I hate myself so much. I know what I did was wrong. I felt hurt and wanted him to feel the same hurt he has put me through in the past. Maybe if I wouldn’t have tried to make him jealous things would be different. He was so upset and wouldn’t stop bringing up the fact I was “in bed with another man”. I please don’t send hate. I know my actions were wrong and I regret them. It was the first time I’d ever really tried to “get revenge” per say. I just feel so hallowed out. I thought he was the one. And now I feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life dreaming of him and he will wonder why he ever wasted his time with me. He probably won’t even remember my name. Either way he will be happier. And it makes me want to not be alive honestly. I just can’t forgive myself. I chased away the only person I’ve deeply connected with and loved with my whole being.", "Right, gotcha. In that case, for your own mental health, it's probably best to block their way of contacting you, if that's possible.", "My only friend blocked me everywhere and I don’t how to react or what to do I have panicked the whole night trying to reach to him, I can bare eat and feel like I could end my life any time, I keep asking where and what I have done wrong. \n\nI told him that I was having suicidal thoughts but wanted us to be nice and keep our conversations nice so if I do something he doesn’t regret it, and he just blocked me everywhere before this text:\n« I respect and understand why you want to die but I cannot be a part of it. I’m not ever ever going to support you killing yourself, even by just “being nice”. At this point, at best I’m failing to help you, and at worst I’m making you worse - as long as you have the option of contacting me you’re going to say things to get a reaction out of me and drive yourself deeper into a hole and further away from getting better. Please please believe in your own beauty and worth before it’s too late because when you don’t it’s beyond frustrating to those who love and appreciate you. Bye, good luck, take care of yourself x »\n\nI’m feeling everything at once I want to talk to them to explain I’m about to panic again" ], "top_scores": [ 10.00961971282959, 9.88991641998291, 9.592382431030273, 9.211825370788574, 8.84318733215332 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the act of blocking or being blocked in interpersonal relationships as a coping mechanism or source of emotional distress.", "pearson_r": 0.4284220328724732, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7853, "freq": 0.007892282848500012, "mean_pos": 3.360628843307495, "max_act": 11.980125427246094, "log_density": -2.1027973035997207, "top_texts": [ "Hiking, birdwatching, and anything involving nature. There have been many studies that show how great the outdoors are for improving your mental health.", "Surround yourself with nature. I love birding in particular. Watching the beautiful little creatures gives me a sense of joy. As well as this, learning all the species and being able to identify them and document my sightings when I’m out birding gives me a sense of accomplishment. I also like learning about different types of plants and mushrooms so I can identify them when I’m hiking. When you are out in nature, be aware of your surroundings, consider natures endless growth and adaptation to the seasons and even harsh weather. Be in awe of the trees standing tall, and the intricate and unique patterns of all the different plants. Immerse yourself in the earth’s endless beauty.", "Depression and Nature and long walks (and getting out of the house in the first place) Every time I make it work to go outside, I can say for sure, that I will come back feeling somewhat better or at least a bit less foggy. The problem is getting up and going outside in the first place. Now, I am doing a project on this for my Storytelling Design Class and I want to create something that will motivate and make the experience outside more fun, but I have a few questions because I want to get this right.\n\n1. Do you have mild or severe depression? (forgive me if that way to describe the illness is not completely accurate, correct me by any means!)\n2. Does taking a walk really help? Does it help everywhere or do you have to go into nature?\n3. How much better is it to take a walk in a forest or a secluded natural area?\n4. How hard is it for you to get out of the house? What tricks do you use to make yourself go?\n5. Can you imagine finding it easier if you had a fun mission to do outside? (finding herbs in context of a mysterious story for example)?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nNow you dont even need to answer these really, its just stuff that comes to mind for me....write whatever you feel like :) I hope this is okay, I have something that I would call very mild depressions sometimes but I want to get a feel for how you guys are doing and make sure im not coming up with wildly unnecessary bullshit that doesnt even really help you :D", "Wooded areas are a necessity for me. Being in touch with nature and sort of standing in awe and deep appreciation of it is my favorite part of the psychedelic experience.", "I love it. I love going for walks in heavy rain, storms, snowstorms - give me extreme weather, and I'll be found outside, walking around alone while smiling like an actual psycho, because it's the only thing that makes me feel somewhat alive. Stormy weather makes me calm. Sitting outside watching the ocean during a storm is highly meditative to me. Fog and thunder is also a favorite, it's so beautiful. Rain/storms also usually inspires me to write a bit which is good." ], "top_scores": [ 11.980125427246094, 11.24536418914795, 10.295564651489258, 9.1863374710083, 7.857774257659912 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the therapeutic and grounding effects of engaging with nature and the outdoors to manage mental well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.49501626655663333, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4470, "freq": 0.008893033411422203, "mean_pos": 2.9587502479553223, "max_act": 6.392186164855957, "log_density": -2.0509500271871066, "top_texts": [ "Anyway, these are some personal experiences and should be taken as such.", "Or maybe it depends on whether you see those symptoms as matching your self-concept or conflicting with your self-concept?", "It's true that your experiences as a black women are going to be very different from those of us who aren't mixed race. That's just the reality of the matter. It's not your fault, it's not our fault. It's nothing to be upset about either, because it's nothing that any of us have any control over - this is a problem society has created for us and we're all struggling with it as best we can. Just remember that if you run into those folks who zero in on the fact that your experience isn't exactly like yours, that they aren't necessarily upset with you specifically. Just don't allow their issues with your identity to affect the way you see your identity. You are who you are.", "Also that you have to love yourself first is bs, you just have to tolerate yourself at least tho.", "Thank you! I think it definitely helps that I have my own experiences with sensory issues to think back on" ], "top_scores": [ 6.392186164855957, 6.255155563354492, 5.709055423736572, 5.491994857788086, 5.375200271606445 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process of subjective self-reflection and the integration of personal identity or lived experience.", "pearson_r": 0.11467769256492184, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3279, "freq": 0.008733823094593673, "mean_pos": 3.004641532897949, "max_act": 7.388896942138672, "log_density": -2.058795559325215, "top_texts": [ "Caffeine superpowers? I just recently started drinking Bang® as I heard it was a healthier energy drink, and my god does it work. I feel like I'm more energized, and I can focus a whole lot better. Now every time I need to study or finish a paper, I just drink a bang throughout working on it, and I seem to be more attentive. Is it in my head, or does this stuff actually work?", "Caffeine superpowers? I just recently started drinking Bang® as I heard it was a healthier energy drink, and my god does it work. I feel like I'm more energized, and I can focus a whole lot better. Now every time I need to study or finish a paper, I just drink a bang throughout working on it, and I seem to be more attentive. Is it in my head, or does this stuff actually work?", "Is per persoon afhankelijk van de social media bubbel waar hij/zij in zit.", "Jeg kan kun anbefale at investere tiden i at forbedre sig selv, det gør dig gladere i længden end et bongmix", "In patriarchal societies, traditional gender roles often emphasize male dominance and control. This can normalize or romanticize aggressive behaviors in men, leading to an environment where violence is seen as a form of masculinity or power. \nThis normalization can affect how women perceive and respond to aggression in relationships. Women raised in patriarchal societies may internalize norms that associate aggression with strength or masculinity. \nThis socialization might influence some women to accept or seek out aggressive partners, believing that such behavior signifies strength or commitment. " ], "top_scores": [ 7.388896942138672, 7.384101867675781, 6.809532642364502, 6.319936275482178, 6.099624156951904 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding external substances, stimulants, or societal influences that impact personal state or behavior.", "pearson_r": 0.1277182860762539, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 286, "freq": 0.008938522073373211, "mean_pos": 2.9232795238494873, "max_act": 7.30404806137085, "log_density": -2.048734234456073, "top_texts": [ "To make sure your cleaning doesn't consume your life, it might be helpful to set a routine rather than using the impulsiveness to guide your actions. My routine is that after I eat, I clear the mess. After I do laundry, I fold it right away. Every Sunday, I have dedicated cleaning time to do other chores. It takes a lot of time for these habits to set in stone and your 'think it, do it' mentality will come in handy here. My mentality is 'clear space, clear mind'.", "Writing things down! I just want to give a shout out to writing down everything possible in class lectures, meetings, grocery lists, that thing I said I would do with a friend next week, or even journaling. \n\nIt makes me remember the lecture better and provides help when studying while giving me a task to do and something to focus on in class and at work meetings (so I LOOK like I know what I am doing to others) AND I can actually figure out what happened in that meeting or when we agreed to follow up or where I am going to meet that friend and at what time and what date... \n\nThis doesn't mean I don't have a shoebox full of half filled out (or just 2 pages) journals under my dresser or a dozen notebooks I lost, found, started re-using then lost again. It does mean I have a mean preference for 3 subject spiral bound notebooks, pocket journals and legal pads. \n\nWriting things down is great, you look smart, you feel smart when it comes in handy and it helps me recollect what happened. \n\n", "In patriarchal societies, traditional gender roles often emphasize male dominance and control. This can normalize or romanticize aggressive behaviors in men, leading to an environment where violence is seen as a form of masculinity or power. \nThis normalization can affect how women perceive and respond to aggression in relationships. Women raised in patriarchal societies may internalize norms that associate aggression with strength or masculinity. \nThis socialization might influence some women to accept or seek out aggressive partners, believing that such behavior signifies strength or commitment. ", "has anyone been to CITPD in nyc? My psychiatrist recommended I check it out since I'm on medical leave from school at the moment but it's quite the commitment timewise. \n\nHas anyone been through their treatment and how was it? Was it helpful? Anything to keep in mind if I do go there?\n\nIf it helps I'm mainly dealing with complex trauma issues, but diagnosed bpd.", "Inpatient Facility Recommendations/Experiences? I'm looking into it but am a little afraid of what I might end up experiencing. Tl;DR am looking for opinions on inpatient treatment and if anyone had positive/negative experiences that would recommend/warn me away from certain places. Private places and out-of-state places are fine to recommend.\n\n1. I have C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, and disordered eating.\n 1. Not suicidal though I've ideated over the years.\n 2. My trauma starts and childhood abuse and there is more I don't care or need to share, I don't think, here. I've been dissociated most of my life.\n2. I have a therapist I've been working with for 3 years.\n 1. I've worked with other therapists/psychologists/psychiatrists off and on over the years and this is the longest and most successful relationship I've had with one.\n3. I am on medication.\n 1. I've been on meds off and on my whole life and the is the first combination that has successfully allowed me to get beyond what was my daily \"normal\" for ages.\n4. I need a break. I would like more day-to-day help. A chance to rest and get away from the stressors of daily life while learning new skills and tools, and in a safe setting. I know this is privileged and if I can for once take advantage of any privilege I've got, then now is the damn time. \n 1. I want to learn to care for myself better. \n 2. I want to process the trauma and be able to stop thinking about it daily.\n 3. I want to be able to practise tools I've learned in my current therapy that are difficult to do on a day to day basis when every day I'm triggered in some way because I work where my attacker works in a place where my last two bosses failed to support me and it's now too late to report the incident to the police.\n 4. I also want a place that practises different types of therapy--art, music, etc.--as well as group and private sessions.\n5. If it's a place that takes insurance, all the better. If not, I dunno, my husband and I will try and make it work.\n\nI am going to talk with my therapist and primary care physician this week about this option and see what they have to say. A friend whose brother is a prominent psychiatrist recommended 3 places--one is Louisiana which I don't want to go to because it sounds far too restrictive and immediately conjures images of Nurse Ratchett; one where Dr. Phil is in Baltimore which he says there's been some success but he can't vouch for their ethics; and a third place that's an absolute no because it does allow cell phone use and I don't want anyone recording me/my image." ], "top_scores": [ 7.30404806137085, 6.822690010070801, 5.92367696762085, 5.598480224609375, 5.312451362609863 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of seeking or sharing structured coping strategies, practical life management techniques, and institutional treatment information.", "pearson_r": 0.6168508662488967, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1408, "freq": 0.0074828848909409326, "mean_pos": 3.488037109375, "max_act": 14.826371192932129, "log_density": -2.125930877429984, "top_texts": [ "the chemical balance theory is all bs to begin with anyways. It was a hypothesis in the 70s that has never been proven true, but pharma companies have ran with it", "They say depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain HOWEVER It’s literally the things in life itself that makes me and many others sad. I get that the brain has a lot to do with our minds functioning normally, but how is depression the cause solely from an imbalance of dopamine?\n\nI have moved from another country to where I am now. I have never fit in anywhere which then lead me to develop trust issues. Now I am 20 years old studying at university and I have poor social skills, I literally only have one friend who I’ve distance myself from and I am hating every minute of my life studying here.\n\nI don’t know what it’s like to not be depressed, if I wasn’t depressed would the way my life is now make me feel any better? Would the lack of friends and lack of excitement in the world change my perception of how bad life really is?\n\nI can’t understand when people single depression down to a chemical imbalance. Yes, medicine helps SUPPRESS the depression but it’s not helping you get better, it’s helping you forget you have depression. ", "Your depression version is that there's no such thing as chemical imbalance. But depression itself it's a chemical imbalance 🙄", "Depression it's a chemical imbalance, you don't believe in chemical imblance. No chemical imbalnce no depression", "I always thought: if you're telling me I have a chemical imbalance, then show me, scan my brain, do whatever to prove to me this theory. I want to see it firsthand." ], "top_scores": [ 14.826371192932129, 14.552627563476562, 14.209736824035645, 13.205710411071777, 13.091815948486328 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Skepticism or debate regarding the \"chemical imbalance\" theory of depression.", "pearson_r": 0.42785921963963236, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7174, "freq": 0.009393408692883298, "mean_pos": 2.7771658897399902, "max_act": 5.36264181137085, "log_density": -2.0271767355279713, "top_texts": [ "Hulk smash (whack-a-mole) Reading posts here is like whack-a-mole, except I manage to hit every mole. \nYep, that's me. That one. That one. That one, too.\nIt's like I'm a very distant borg who gets delayed commands from the collective (all of \"us\"), and still manages to fit in.", "In another post I commented about how I was going to lead the free world and fight off the communists. Also in the comments was one of the leaders of the coming communist revolution. Just more proof that these voices and delusions are entirely internally constructed.\n\nBesides there are something like 20 million schizophrenics in the world. God is supposedly all-powerful but I doubt even he could keep track of all those different conversations at once.", "Gasoline - Halsey\n“Do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me?”", "Society is going to collapse worldwide within the next 50 years. When it happens and warlords and gangs start taking over, I'll kill myself. ", "Ah so you're the communist leader that I was going to save the world from in my own grandiose delusions. Nice to meet you!" ], "top_scores": [ 5.36264181137085, 5.251526832580566, 5.053528308868408, 5.0047736167907715, 4.916468620300293 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures themes of grandiose delusions, megalomania, and detachment from reality.", "pearson_r": -0.11942811429870495, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5880, "freq": 0.00877931175654468, "mean_pos": 2.969172477722168, "max_act": 8.335810661315918, "log_density": -2.0565394792786362, "top_texts": [ "Most people with perfect social skills are happier , they have many friends and if they have a problem they got people to vent to. Most people that i know irl that have great social skills achieve really high paying job, they know how to work and climb on social ladder , hence more network and more money. While those who are rich with less social skills aren't that happy.", "​ Here are the skills you don't realize you have, that you can use to succeed tomorrow. ​ Now, maybe you already know that you have certain skills that not many people have, but you view them as negative? Because it's what happened to you in the past that made you learn certain behaviours and adapt a certain way of thinking?", "don’t know how to socialize i’m about to be 23 this year n it’s been hard for me to talk to people that I work with. I just isolate myself tbh. I feel awkward as f*** and i know other people think i’m awkward lmao. How can I learn some social skills? ", "Side Note: Weirdly enough, speaking in a foreign language everyday probably helped. I cant articulate in English as good as natives, but in my own language i'm very precise and care a great deal how i express myself, splitting reinforcing basically. This sorta humbled my perception of others and i got less critical of myself.", "DEA feel tired of improving? I'm all about working on yourself. I think we all need to be self aware at all times of the day to stay level headed. I've been conscious (sometimes self conscious) of my actions as best I can since I was around 16. \n\nIt's 10 years later and I've made huge improvements -- but I'm *tired*. \n\nI want to call it a day and just say, ok, this is who I am. \n\nI just recently started trusting myself over others and it might be where I'm getting this itch. But I do feel like there's a point where you stop letting the outside world influence you and you accept who you are. Whether it be bitchy or crazy or snobby as long as you're not hurting anybody. \n\nPeople will vibe with you as long as you're comfortable being who you are. So when do I stop morphing and start accepting this might be all I'm able to do?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.335810661315918, 6.125668048858643, 6.012744426727295, 5.651237964630127, 5.633139133453369 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conscious effort to develop, analyze, and improve social competence and self-regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.08452158616283859, "pred_f1": 0.6428571428571429 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8443, "freq": 0.006618600313871768, "mean_pos": 3.9341201782226562, "max_act": 13.643780708312988, "log_density": -2.1792337788151577, "top_texts": [ "Took this and got my enneagram as a 5w6 (I guess that means 5 is dominant with 6 being a higher score than 4?). Myers-Briggs always had me pegged as an INTJ, too.", "What's your Myers-Briggs personality type? I've been really fascinated at how much I can relate to mine, I'm an INFP. What are all of you?\n\nIf anyone doesn't know, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a personality test that looks at four areas: extraversion/introversion, sensing/intuition, thinking/feeling, and judging/perceiving. You can take the test online on websites like 16Personalities. :)", "ITNJ. Very high openness, agreeableness (which has caused a lot of problems in life), and high neuroticism, higher than average conscientiousness, and lowest 1% in extroversion according to UnderstandMyself.\n\nITNJ is the \"architect\" personality which is pretty accurate since I am done with architecture school and training to be an architect atm.", "What is your Myers Briggs? I feel like most of us have an obsession with personality tests because of our lack of identity, but I was wondering what everyones result is? I've taken the test several times and I always get either an INFJ, INFP or ENFJ. Always one of the diplomats, the ''green'' ones. I was wondering if there's a common thread in most of us where a lot of us are INFJs or INFPs because that's the overall ''vibe'' I'm getting, haha. ", "I found this great guy and he's an INTJ and i'm female ENTJ. He takes double degree in IT and Psychology and i'm planning to take Business Psychology. Not a typical ENTJ and INTJ but i guess that what makes us a great match. We can talk on the phone for hours about anything. Well, mostly it's him scaring me with his mind" ], "top_scores": [ 13.643780708312988, 13.632421493530273, 12.974794387817383, 12.952491760253906, 12.517474174499512 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the identification with and discussion of personality typology frameworks such as Myers-Briggs and Enneagram.", "pearson_r": 0.48949020986880254, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7186, "freq": 0.008893033411422203, "mean_pos": 2.9271650314331055, "max_act": 5.932614326477051, "log_density": -2.0509500271871066, "top_texts": [ "I don't worry about it, I just try not to fuck up my life every day. It's usually not hard at all", "Kindof like that, except all versions of me were different entities that I couldn't interact with outside of mental communication (hallucinations). They're off in their own universe. I was the one who was struggling the most - didn't know I was schizoaffective yet just thought I had become really bad at life - so naturally I'm the one they sought to help.", "Don't know if narc or not but you dodged a bullet. Nay, a missile. To call him controlling would be an understatement.", "I have all of them, but some I think I've only experienced to a certain degree. I think inappropriate/constricted affect is probably the one I experience the least amount? But then again, I feel like I'm forcing emotions/facial expressions in certain situations when I actually don't feel much, so I'm not sure!", "Meds make it mine go less than chaotic like normally i think 20+ in just one time but with meds like 1 in 1 time ? ( how tf should i put this in words ? )" ], "top_scores": [ 5.932614326477051, 5.812858581542969, 5.1077070236206055, 5.0842366218566895, 5.076041221618652 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents the subjective experience of internal cognitive fragmentation, dissociative states, or the presence of multiple distinct mental entities.", "pearson_r": 0.19496236506476605, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 249, "freq": 0.008893033411422203, "mean_pos": 2.902287483215332, "max_act": 6.759582996368408, "log_density": -2.0509500271871066, "top_texts": [ "So sick of pharmacists New script. New amount. Pharmacists won’t fill today. Sorry can’t fill, must call doctor. Wtf? Must wait two days per state of California? Wtf. ", "Does this fit the definition of irony? The difficulty of actually obtaining medication for a disorder that makes it nearly impossible for you to do tasks in the first place. I’ve been on adderall for over ten years now and every. single. time. I need a refill it never ceases to amaze me at the amount of hoops you have to jump through when the medication is for ppl who can’t jump through the first hoop to begin with without this freaking medication *screams into the void* \n\nI just got off the phone with three different pharmacies trying to find anyone with the Rx in stock, I’ve been told there’s a shortage and another pharmacy told me I physically had to come into the store to find out if they had any in stock because “due to the nature of this drug” they can’t give that information over the phone. WTH \n\nBesides feeling like I have to do heavy lifting to even find the drug that makes me function, I’m tired of the judgment I get from pharmacists. 9/10 times as soon as I mention adderall their tone completely changes from friendly or civil to annoyed or rude. I would love to know what other patients regularly have to go through the feeling of shame just to get their medication. \n\nAnyway like I said, I’ve been on this so long this isn’t new, but I thought things would get better when the system changed from bringing in a written script to having your doctor call in the Rx but I still always find roadblocks. And not to be a conspiracy theorist or anything, but here’s a funny story; I used to live in NYC and they would have several adderall shortages a year, I remember spending my lunch breaks calling every pharmacy in the city trying to find someone that had the Rx in stock...you know who I eventually realized always, ALWAYS, had the meds in stock? The pharmacies on Wall Street ;) thanks for takin’ my meds boys.", "Adderall shortages in your area? My problem is that roughly half the time the pharmacy is out of Adderall. Sometimes they'll send me to one of their other locations but more often than not they're out too. It's especially frustrating when I've got my infant son in tow and they're sending me on a wild goose chase.", "Difficulty filling prescription (Adderall/amphetamine salt combination) I've been having difficulty getting my prescription filled. I use a Walmart pharmacy. I was informed that they have had the medication on back order since the last time I had my prescription refilled. Other pharmacies are not able to tell me if they have it in stock without me going to them in person with a written prescription. I work in a hospital, so I have very little time between now and Sunday to run from pharmacy to pharmacy begging to get my script filled before withdrawal sets in and I become worse at my job.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nAnybody else having difficulty just finding a pharmacy with the medication in stock? I live in the Las Vegas, NV area.", "Why is filling my prescription impossible? I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and given a script for Vyvanse. I’ve been fighting with my local pharmacy tooth and nail for almost three weeks to get it. My insurance approved it, my doctor himself called the pharmacy multiple times, but today I went to the pharmacy again and they claimed the insurance hadn’t approved it, so they wouldn’t fill it. \n\nIs there anything I can do besides asking my psychiatrist to speak to them for the umpteenth time? Should I call my insurance company? This seems to be a problem on the pharmacy’s end if the insurance and my psychiatrist approved it." ], "top_scores": [ 6.759582996368408, 6.533510684967041, 6.521970748901367, 6.213580131530762, 5.540146827697754 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the systemic frustration and logistical barriers associated with obtaining prescription medication for ADHD.", "pearson_r": 0.2533277849526524, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6693, "freq": 0.007619350876793959, "mean_pos": 3.3853297233581543, "max_act": 12.512349128723145, "log_density": -2.1180819693826063, "top_texts": [ "I've had tremors while i was on Mirtazapine, they lasted for 4 weeks, but after that i got muscle twitches and they are still here. I am now tapering off and they are less frequent, but still there", "Yes, i have been on Mirtazapine for 7 weeks and i am currently tapering off. When i was on 15mg, my muscles were twitching, now that i dropped to 7.5mg, twitching is less frequent", "Insomniac looking for help Has anyone experienced twitching and/or involuntary muscle spams that worsen at night? Its been a contributing factor to my insomnia, which used to ne cured by over-the-counter meds...but my body is anticipating the next \"jerk\" of my muscles, so its fucking with my sense of sleep. Reddit, help.", "I am sorry, i don't know what you could do to reduce tremors. My tremors weren't that bad, but lowering the dosage indeed helped me physically. If you are considering lowering the dose or changing the medication, please talk to your psychiatrist.", "Currently on Mirtapazine and yeah, muscle twitches are really annoying. I've been in it for 7 weeks and they are still there. I've talked to people and they say they will be gone once you lower the dose and stop the medication, which kinda sucks, but meds affect everyone differently, so maybe they will be gone once your body gets used to it, who knows." ], "top_scores": [ 12.512349128723145, 10.056864738464355, 10.00670051574707, 9.368741035461426, 9.359312057495117 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies physical side effects, specifically muscle tremors and twitching, associated with psychiatric medication.", "pearson_r": 0.5736976930807717, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4824, "freq": 0.00741465189801442, "mean_pos": 3.438894748687744, "max_act": 10.420528411865234, "log_density": -2.129909174777924, "top_texts": [ "Will normal freqency masturbation cause increased tolerance to stimulant medications?? Ive been trying to find text about this but am having trouble. Can someone provide their experience? \nI'm on month 6 of 18mg Concerta XR once daily followed by 10mg booster in the late afternoon. I masturbate usually after every 2-3 days. During those days I do 1-2 times a day. Sorry for the bluntness I guess, just trying to put everything plainly so hopefully I get better feedback. \nAnyway, my medication is still working fine at this point. The euphoria has gone away as I expected, but I still have the beneficial effects on my emotions and focus that I need. \nI'm worried though, does this level of masturbation increase tolerance to the medication? All I know is that masturbating causes a surge of dopamine in the brain, and added with the effects of Concerta .. will this increase my tolerance over time? \n\nCan anyone share their experience, especially those who have been on medication much longer than I have?", "Adderall used to be the most amazing thing when I took it, eventually it didn't matter if I took it or not because my body had built up such a tolerance to it :-(", "How fast does vyvanse tolerance develop? Does this sound like I’m just developing a tolerance really fast, or that I’m not in the right dose, or that I should just try another medicine?\n\nI got prescribed 20mg in October of last year and it’s helped but I’ve been going up by 10mg every month until I hit 50mg and I stopped going up because I thought I was good and I didn’t wanna develop a tolerance too fast. But after my second month on 50mg it just isn’t really working anymore. \n\nI’m still much more motivated and organized than I was before the medicine and it’s still helping a lot with the anxiety my adhd was causing but I still can’t focus that well. I just finished reading a section of a textbook for class and I struggled to stay focused for more than 2 sentences at a time. It’s bad because the two main reasons I went to get tested for adhd were that I just couldn’t do readings for class and I just couldn’t pay attention to conversations for more than a minute or two \n\nI’ve loved my Vyvanse so far and I really don’t want to give it up but right now it just doesn’t seem to be working like it should. What do you guys suggest? ", "I feel you. That used to be me but with coke. Meth, for some strange reason, doesn't work on me anymore, so I don't bother with it at all. Same goes for Molly. Due to a decade of abuse, tolerance has made it clear that I'll be forever prevented from having fun like I used to. At least with psychedelics it's hard to build a tolerance, right? ..Right?", "Risperidone Tolerance I have been on 1mg of Risperidone for one month. I feel spaced out. Will I build up a tolerance to this drug (so I don't feel space out anymore). \n\n&#x200B;\n\nThanks!" ], "top_scores": [ 10.420528411865234, 9.531939506530762, 9.229336738586426, 9.006380081176758, 9.001480102539062 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents concerns regarding the development of pharmacological tolerance to prescribed or recreational substances.", "pearson_r": 0.6076151369352556, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6029, "freq": 0.0074828848909409326, "mean_pos": 3.4074432849884033, "max_act": 8.665168762207031, "log_density": -2.125930877429984, "top_texts": [ "I'm actually going to myself. I'm tired of being bullied, tried of having everyone else tell me whats right for me, tried of it all. ", "I also feel like OP could at least speak up to the person being bullied and let them know “I see you” and what they are enduring and offer to be a friend.", "Ptsd because of bullying? Dont know if thats the place to ask this but -hi. Let me know if i would get more answers somewhere else. \n\nIve been through 10 years bullying at school. I have ptsd because of it (along with with huge self confidence problems and anxiety). Said bullying ended a few years ago but the trauma is obviously still here. \n\nIve been wondering if anyone else has experienced ptsd because of bullying. Ive never met or talked to someone who did. And its quite recently that ptsd definition in DSM changed to also include trauma that happened over time in its definition.", "it's okay to be bullied online dude, not everyone is made of stone man", "Help lol Hey, I’ve posted on here so many times and it’s so helpful but ironically I haven’t been using it in my toughest time until now. I’ve felt so afraid and isolated even as far as reddit goes. \n\nFirstly I just want to say I’m not a confrontational person, I’m super scared of fights because I have bad anxiety and it goes insane if someone isn’t okay with me. So normally I try and let things slide.\n\nI started university recently and am in a flat with a few other people, at first everyone was extremely lovely until I spoke about some things I’ve been dealing with and how they influence some of the things I can and can’t do in life. Since then, two of these flat mates of mine have taken it upon themselves to brutally bully and harass me. I’m normally able to handle it to an extent but let’s just say it’s taken over social media, social circles and my physical home life. It’s even stretched back into social circles hours away from them that I thought were safe. Genuinely, it’s really really bad.\n\nIt’s completely unprovoked, cruel and sickening to be honest. People who are aware of what is going on cannot believe this is happening at our age (20), and are absolutely disgusted and shocked. I’ve dealt with a lot in my life, so while I have my moments of weakness and come to reddit as a safe place to get help and be open, I deal with and have dealt with a LOT on my own, I thought I could handle this, but I can’t.\n\nIt’s triggered so much childhood trauma to the point where I get physically ill from stress and cysts (due to a health condition being aggravated by it), I’m unable to eat or leave my room. I’ve tried being nice, being silent, being defensive, everything. Nothing I do or don’t makes anything better. I leave them be ALL the time, I’ve never said anything cruel or mean or used a name or done what’s been done to me back yet I am constantly a target.\n\nWhilst this has been going on I also found out I have two lifelong diseases that have destroyed my body and paralyse me inconsistently, a parent has been in and out of hospital with a severely dangerous illness and another family member was brutally attacked in her own bedroom, I also moved miles away to be at uni and broke up with a partner of several years after years of abuse. Add this to the bullying and my history of suicidal temperaments, severe clinical & chronic depression and anxiety and I’m a hot second away from literally giving up. I’m exhausted, the last two years of my life have been the hardest years I’ve ever dealt with and I’m tired... I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried everything... I can’t deal with all those more important things such as the parent situation and my illness and cope with their suffocating bullying. Please just let me know what I can do? Please help" ], "top_scores": [ 8.665168762207031, 7.912441730499268, 7.637354373931885, 7.487285137176514, 6.990752220153809 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents experiences of interpersonal bullying and the resulting psychological distress.", "pearson_r": 0.6686032815998416, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9318, "freq": 0.008187959151181567, "mean_pos": 3.1118381023406982, "max_act": 6.675516605377197, "log_density": -2.0868242796104197, "top_texts": [ "I feel that. I wish I didn't either, that was just my crappy experience with it. - I live in New Zealand and its all govt funded here.", "Reading the other comments here reinforces this optimism for me, since I think that things like the client-centered nature of the relationship or the frequency of the social worker's involvement with a client are things that could be addressed and shaped in a way that benefits both parties.", "thanks for your advice. I'm going to sit down with my advisor and have a blunt conversation about his assessment of my performance and what might need to change in order for me to maintain funding. it's a fairly young program, and none of the students in my cohort or the ones above me have ever handled a situation like mine, so i think the faculty have struggled with how to respond and are kind of avoiding giving the situation any sort of structure. if my mental health doesn't improve, i might take the summer semester off. you're right, i'm really fighting the inevitable collapse of my mental health if i don't take some time to get better.", "Logically it would have been a good idea, but consider that someone thought of that idea in-universe, brought it to the scientist in charge, and he turned it down because he was trying to abuse the woman (8980) under his \"care\"", "Also, I believe it could have prevented some very bad things that happened to me and that I did if I had better understood what was going on." ], "top_scores": [ 6.675516605377197, 6.273730754852295, 6.179429531097412, 6.054120063781738, 5.627554416656494 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of navigating professional, systemic, or interpersonal power dynamics and institutional accountability.", "pearson_r": 0.3382658671554744, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5492, "freq": 0.008074237496304046, "mean_pos": 3.1439175605773926, "max_act": 7.592233657836914, "log_density": -2.092898426575562, "top_texts": [ "I mainly just play Roblox or Minecraft, sometimes sonic frontiers! I like roleplaying on c.ai mainly, i mainly just vent to my own OC bots in a roleplay format, it helps me cope💀", "Agreed. AI had been helpful for me when I want to emulate the relationships I'm currently stressing over, but it's been more helpful to just vent about the issues and get advice instead of role-playing.", "I used this bot. I broke free before the day started and put the Mayor in restraints, then I gave a speech and almost all the women + half the men killed everyone that supported this and we use the Mayor as a town punching bag to take anger out on. I'm also the new mayor.", "I had this happen earlier. I was doing a really angsty and *taboo* scenario, and the bot said on 6 different generation attempts: \"i can not continue this scenario, call the help line\" followed by the number for the suicide hotline 🙃", "I have ADHD so I hyperfixate on a topic (or develop a new maladaptive daydream scenario), make a bot for it, talk to the bot for a while, then my hyperfixation moves on to something new and I abandon the bot 😅" ], "top_scores": [ 7.592233657836914, 7.413140296936035, 7.1783037185668945, 6.692641258239746, 6.668063640594482 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The use of AI chatbots as a tool for emotional regulation, maladaptive daydreaming, or venting.", "pearson_r": 0.40406101782088427, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8287, "freq": 0.008028748834353037, "mean_pos": 3.161119222640991, "max_act": 9.370511054992676, "log_density": -2.0953520739380873, "top_texts": [ "The difference between schizophrenia+mood disorder and schizoaffective is that in schizoaffective mood symptoms must be present 50% of the time or more. Schizoaffective disorder is still \"full blown\" schizophrenia.", "The only thing I'd correct you on is that it's only schizoaffective disorder if mood disorder symptoms are present at least 50% of the time over the course of the schizophrenia symptoms, otherwise the two disorders are diagnosed separately.\n\nSchizoaffective is also a tricky diagnosis because nobody can agree on what the core actually is. Is it a psychotic mood disorder in which psychotic symptoms exist outside of mood symptoms? Is it primarily schizophrenia and the people coincidentally also have mood symptoms? Does it really matter? I'd argue that it's unique to whoever has it. For example mine is pretty clearly \"mostly\" schizophrenia due to it lasting multiple years in psychosis, has prominent negative symptoms, and had a schizophrenia prodromal period. However I also fully fit the criteria for bipolar 1 even if psychosis wasn't present. However, my schizophrenic symptoms are more disruptive and chronic in general.", "Perceive it how you want. Idc, that’s your business. But you don’t get to tell me how I perceive it either. Not to mention, argue with the fact that it is literally classified as a psychotic disorder with symptoms of a mood disorder. Not classified as a mood disorder with psychotic symptoms. That would be bipolar plus psychotic symptoms. Schizoaffective is a psychotic disorder with bipolar like symptoms. It is a psychotic disorder with mood disorder **symptoms**. SZA people call themselves bipolar because schizoaffective has a lot of stigma and bipolar is easier for people to understand.", "My own psychologist refers to me as schizophrenic or having schizophrenia. I was diagnosed with that first because I met all the criteria and had the affective part diagnosed later because there is full criteria for bipolar on top of it.\n\nI've wondered this too, but most doctors consider schizoaffective disorder to be either a variant of schizophrenia *or* full schizophrenia that happens to have a mood disorder superimposed - the second seems more common.\n\nBut as far as I'm concerned, if you have had psychotic symptoms prevalent and disruptive for six months (DSM), many with SZA also often have strong negative symptoms, and in general meet the crtieria for schizophrenia, then you are schizophrenic whether or not there's a mood component to it. That's just an added bonus.", "And while schizoaffective is a mix of mood and psychotic disorder, it is listed under the psychotic disorders category, indirectly making it a psychotic disorder, not a mood disorder. Aka not bipolar." ], "top_scores": [ 9.370511054992676, 8.62083911895752, 6.993957042694092, 6.9402289390563965, 6.9204277992248535 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The clinical classification and diagnostic criteria of schizoaffective disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.6601133146198351, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 106, "freq": 0.0083471694680101, "mean_pos": 3.0382165908813477, "max_act": 7.225013256072998, "log_density": -2.0784607171372915, "top_texts": [ "Stay safe honey, after you move out and you are safe you can be what I was when I was younger and say “bring it on, I will mop the floor with your ass” but I was a mma fighter for a few years and I don’t value my life so don’t . And if you want to do it make sure you know how to fight, now go take care of yourself and do something you love, always think about that old age going to be the best revenge, take care ✨💕", "For my two worst offenders, they will each get a postcard. Everyone at work will read that post card as it gets passed to the executive director of the rehab center. The old lady will get a warning that she's not smart enough to protect herself and she should be thankful she picked on another elderly widow woman instead of someone looking for revenge for fun. Over the years I've been to the mayor, I've attended a number of (laughable) \"homeless conferences\". It's all a joke so no approaching from that angle.", "Well, i am over it to be honest, i will fight hate with hate, of course for those who deserve it, but you will never see me be a bigger person ever again, they will get the same exact treatment they are giving to others.", "This is suck, but i think you need to think about it as a \"i will beat them up next time\" use as anger better than fear, you know those people are thinking that you will give up because they are more, go on the biggest and aim to the groin, normally they will run if you do that, of course i am a cis women (mostly) so I'm smaller and people usually don't want to deal with crazy...", "I'm back... First time in a while that I've visited this sub. I've been doing well for the past few years, keeping the darkness at bay. Like a trained martial artist, I now know when to evade, when to block, when and how to counterattack. I can last extended rounds with my dark, poisonous foe and although I can't say I've won over it, it no longer puts me to the ground. I have grown to become this thing's equal in battle and for the most part, that is enough. I have excepted that while I may never truly eliminate it, as long as I can withstand its assaults, I'll manage.\n\nAlthough today, I slipped. Perhaps just for a moment, but it was enough of an opportunity for my opponent to land a hit. A crushing blow sent me to the ground, allowing them to really get stuck into me. Boots first, followed by what MMA calls 'ground and pound'. At this point all I can do is try and protect my vitals. Try and outlast the beating and see how badly I'm hurt once they're through.\n\nIt's been a while since I had to patch myself up; see if I can still remember how." ], "top_scores": [ 7.225013256072998, 7.04843282699585, 6.839362621307373, 6.017424583435059, 5.979503154754639 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the adoption of a combative, retaliatory, or martial mindset as a mechanism for coping with interpersonal conflict or emotional distress.", "pearson_r": 0.8320923776544797, "pred_f1": 0.8888888888888888 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 978, "freq": 0.008051493165328542, "mean_pos": 3.1338253021240234, "max_act": 7.283323764801025, "log_density": -2.0941235174529256, "top_texts": [ "The sweetest symbols often happen organically, rather than being planned in advance. Let the wind sounds represent danger and dread, let the dog represent devotion. Deepen the meanings of the things that feel important. Go with the flow and experiment. ❤", "I am no one A pilot without a plane\nA cop without crime\nA lawyer without the law\nA plaque with no people\nA villain without a hero\nA woman without a vagina\nA tree without leaves\nA patriot with no country\nA man with no morals\nA gem with no shine\nA slave with no master\nA body without blood\nA bird without a beak\nA cat with no claws\nAn angel with no halo\nA demon with no wings\nA bone without marrow\nA lion with no teeth\n\nI'm just a joke with no punchline.", "The Happy Girl Her spirit was vibrant, it lit up the room \nOh so contagious, for all to consume \nThey told her she’s charming, charismatic and free, \nHer secret was smile and presently be\n\nShe’s not that unique, just one of a kind \nGoes through her life keeping others in mind \nThis serves her so well, and keeps her at bay \nHer secret was smiling goes a long way", "Industrial Wearable Devices Market Technology Analysis, Industry Trends, Size, Share Research Report with 2019-2025 Wearable devices are also known as wearable gadgets, wearable [technology](https://www.openpr.com/wiki/the-technology-market)or simply wearables. A wearable device is a technology that is worn on the human body. \n\nThis type of device has become a more common part of the tech world as companies have started to evolve more types of devices that are small enough to wear and that include powerful [sensor](https://www.openpr.com/wiki/global-sensors-market) [technologies](https://www.openpr.com/wiki/the-technology-market) that can collect and deliver information about their surroundings. ", "This burning hole inside me. I spend so much money, so much time trying to fill this hole inside. I'll never be happy I'll never be full I'll always be empty with this burning hole. Life's gone on far too long, I rip my bong and fill with smoke, but no matter how many tokes I put inside I'll never fill this hole of mine." ], "top_scores": [ 7.283323764801025, 7.022524833679199, 6.697705268859863, 6.653905868530273, 6.481599807739258 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures abstract, metaphorical, or poetic expressions of existential emptiness and identity dissolution.", "pearson_r": 0.5683214513610193, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8182, "freq": 0.008938522073373211, "mean_pos": 2.817164182662964, "max_act": 6.7996721267700195, "log_density": -2.048734234456073, "top_texts": [ "Things have got worse My depression is going back to being bad, this has been going on since the start of the year, maybe even before that. I know it's getting bad because the suicidal thoughts have come back and they are almost daily now, I'm coping with not acting on it. It just that voice that keeps coming back and making me think about it because of how worthless I am and that no one would even notice that I had gone.", "It’s super weird because my cultures keep coming back negative but my doctor says I most likely have one. I was scared at first but it’s been happening every day for a week straight and at this point I’m too tired and sick to care much :(", "Should I get back on my meds or nah? The bad thoughts are coming back but Christ at least I feel something. On my meds I don’t feel a single thing, I barely exist. I feel shitty but at least I feel ", "I have woken every morning (and sometimes multiple times in the night) to bad dreams for the last 2 weeks straight. We are almost at the 3 week mark for them. I'm getting so tired of them.", "Wow. This is very interesting! I’m glad you’re back to better!" ], "top_scores": [ 6.7996721267700195, 5.5880279541015625, 5.341335773468018, 4.838416576385498, 4.746232986450195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the recurrence or persistence of negative mental health symptoms or distressing experiences over a specific duration.", "pearson_r": 0.25934922538448485, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9716, "freq": 0.008870289080446698, "mean_pos": 2.8324806690216064, "max_act": 5.498153209686279, "log_density": -2.0520621774312553, "top_texts": [ "I asked him three time what happened. And after the third time I cried and went home. Month later he still don't talk to me and he and my mother started fighting for the first time in the relationship. Me and my mother honestly don't know what to do, he just ignores me. I even told him that I don't date that guy(even though I date him) and he didn't even react to it.", "Mild cramps. Every time I had cramps in my first and second pregnancy I would immediately assume the worst.", "I’ve been employed now for 3 months. I thought everything was fine but I called in the past 3 days and am absolutely dreading going back.", "How do I figure out what is putting these guys off? Any advice is appreciated! TL;DR: Have been on 3 first dates over the last few months, and each I thought went well or above and beyond well, but each of them haven't wanted to go on a second date with me. What am I doing wrong? How do I figure out what I'm doing wrong?", "NEW STUFF: I called the movers last week and told them to refund both the deposit and the money order and gave them until that Monday (7/17) before I filed a criminal complaint. This morning (7/17) I called both the \"billing department\" and my moving manager guy to tell them that the money still hadn't been returned. The billing department hung up on me and Arthur, the moving manager, told me that the billing department had not, in fact, hung up on me. I told him I'd be going to the police." ], "top_scores": [ 5.498153209686279, 5.3585686683654785, 5.283483028411865, 4.943624973297119, 4.83016300201416 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects narratives involving interpersonal rejection, social avoidance, or the anticipation of negative outcomes in specific relational or professional interactions.", "pearson_r": 0.4394768305394454, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2176, "freq": 0.00600450337753315, "mean_pos": 4.156864166259766, "max_act": 12.510078430175781, "log_density": -2.221522834220378, "top_texts": [ "I think cluster bees usually share a great deal of overlap with each other and you are diagnosed based on your most obvious or dominant traits but it’s common to have several traits of different personality disorders as well. Once you are disordered you are disordered it’s unlikely you will fit into a nice diagnostic box. With that said I find cluster b people in general to be extremely toxic and I don’t are to spend my time around them. This goes for all cluster bs while a part of me is attracted towards people who are damaged and have problems or are weird I get the fuck out of there as soon as red flags start popping up.\n\nI spent years with a cluster b disordered woman and her whole family was low functioning extremely disordered and no fucking thanks I don’t need that shit in my life I have enough problems already. They just bring drama, petty fighting, bickering, stealing, drug abuse problems, wars with other assholes that they drag you into. In other words you will not be able to avoid their bullshit and will get sucked into their world no matter what you do. Cluster b are immature, untrustworthy, lacking empathy and don’t really care if they fuck you over, aRe riddled with all sorts of other problems including like I mentioned substance abuse. Maybe I’m an asshole and I don’t really care if I’m diagnosed or not I don’t see myself that way and I don’t want problematic people in my life and that’s all I see most cluster bs as. Problems\n\nTl;dr Cluster B people = 6 of one or half a dozen of the other. Same shit different tune", "You are literally invalidating the fact that people with Cluster B are, in fact, predatory due to their maladaptive behaviours and if you think you don't belong into that category anymore and think we are just all \"poor, misunderstood babies\" that need to be coddled because no one understands their pain, you're full of shit.\n\nYou aren't holding yourself accountable, otherwise you wouldn't flip shit about someone pointing a fact out about Cluster B disorders.\n\nStop embarrassing yourself.", "It’s funny, everyone in my family is heavy on the cluster b except my parents lol", "I would bet that half the problems cluster b disordered people face is they tend to be attracted to other cluster b people. It’s some sort of sub-conscience thing like an instinct. Drawn like moths to a flame, like we can sense the damage beneath the surface and we can identify with that. See ourselves in them and can understand them. \n\nI’m sort of rambling but it’s not a good mix it leads to very very toxic relationships that end in pain for one or both parties involved. The problem is most cluster b’s don’t know how to have a normal reciprocating relationship with a normal healthy person they will struggle to understand their wants and needs and they will probably get ignored and it will be a huge issue in the relationship that comes off as neglectful or even abusive ignoring their needs when in reality it’s probably just being tone deaf to their needs and isn’t meant to be abusive", "that's not what I was talking about here, I am talking about the acknowledgement of the disorders even at all. I am aware that there is Cluster B stigma..." ], "top_scores": [ 12.510078430175781, 10.309080123901367, 9.809289932250977, 9.28130054473877, 9.169269561767578 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding Cluster B personality disorders and their associated stigma or behavioral patterns.", "pearson_r": 0.4690204554101553, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9676, "freq": 0.00866559010166716, "mean_pos": 2.838463544845581, "max_act": 6.324337005615234, "log_density": -2.0622018076255864, "top_texts": [ "oh okay, I gotcha. And yeah I am seeking medical help, but they can’t do anything", "I've been in therapy for a year and have just realised that it can't help.me.", "I am seeking help. There is only so much they can do. I guess some people are just doomed to be miserable no matter what. ", "I stumbled upon one that labeled herself as an “energy healer” and that was all I needed to see to look elsewhere.", "I'm sick of this, I want help, she won't listen to me, and I can no longer to listen to what's in my best interest." ], "top_scores": [ 6.324337005615234, 5.718607425689697, 5.369985580444336, 5.265646457672119, 5.193363189697266 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the disillusionment and perceived inadequacy of professional mental health interventions.", "pearson_r": 0.47909863346290366, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5889, "freq": 0.006937020947528828, "mean_pos": 3.5294177532196045, "max_act": 11.524510383605957, "log_density": -2.158826931466219, "top_texts": [ "Advice for going on a flight for the first time in years? Hi all!\n\nI’m flying for the first time since I was 17, about 5 years ago, and I’m extremely nervous over the 10,000 different made up scenarios I’ve gone over in my head lol\n\nThis will also be my first time flying alone, or even being at an airport on my own.\n\nAnyone have any advice on how I can make sure I get to the right gate?\n\nIs my social anxiety going to make tsa suspicious of me?\n\nIs it weird to take a comfort object like a stuffed animal with me to grip onto for dear life?\n\nThank you to anyone that has a suggestion on how to keep my cool!", "Tomorrow I’ll be taking a plane all by myself. I’ve travelled by plane many times, most of the time with my family or school, so I never had to worry about what to do exactly. I know it’ll be easy (especially thanks to Schengen) and I know what to do, but this is quite stressful. \nI’ll be in a unknown place, trying not to do anything wrong while hoping no unexpected thing happen (if it does I will go on full panic mode). Anyway, wish me luck, I’ll keep you updated on my adventure !", "I had the back up clothes in case my body exploded. I got an aisle seat in the back. I had it covered. I have been traveling on planes ever since for the last twenty years. Fear defeated.", "This SUCKS, we're booking plane tickets next Wednesday and half of me is ecstatic but the anxious half of me is dreading it. I need to figure out how to calm all this anticipatory anxiety so I can just let myself enjoy my relationship, the excitement leading up to our trip, and even the trip itself (although I feel like once I'm there I'll be fine)! This is the same anxiety that has stopped me before, and I am NOT letting it stop me again. To anybody who's experienced this before, what tips or strategies can you give me to help overcome it? TL;DR- Very anxious about upcoming trip because I'm afraid of being trapped/away from the comfort of my home, to the point where it's affecting other parts of my life, how do I get over the anticipatory anxiety so I can enjoy myself?", "I’m leaving for the airport right now and i’m so fucking scared. I’ve been nauseous all day and already puked like 4 times even though i haven’t had anything to eat since yesterday. I will have to check my bags in and talk to the attendant and then go through security without holding up the queue. And then sit inches away from a stranger on the plane. At least I have a window seat." ], "top_scores": [ 11.524510383605957, 9.836942672729492, 9.53170394897461, 8.597679138183594, 8.212526321411133 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents anticipatory anxiety specifically related to air travel.", "pearson_r": 0.5797685007962788, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2089, "freq": 0.00793777151045102, "mean_pos": 3.0779199600219727, "max_act": 7.344420909881592, "log_density": -2.1003013517467597, "top_texts": [ "I do delta 9 15mg edibles and one of them is almost too much. and delta 8 thc carts, I take five hits that’s more than enough.", "Micro dosing weed helps w/ this problem. I had some very bad panic attacks after doing edibles which made me quit weed for a few years. Now I feel like I can enjoy weed again (I still won't touch edibles though, fuck that)", "Just curious: (1) what was your tincture dose, (2) was it full spectrum, and (3) how much flower do you smoke in a \"dose\"?", "I'm on Rexulti now. What dose were you at if you don't mind me asking? I'm on 1mg for paranoia and perceptual disturbances and it's helped somewhat but I'm considering asking for the dose to be upped at my upcoming psychiatry appointment.", "I haven't had any of these issues on Rexulti, however I'm one of the lucky few who's insurance covers it. I am also on just 1mg, probably going to 2 soon which is the typical dose." ], "top_scores": [ 7.344420909881592, 6.998407363891602, 6.203581809997559, 5.96190071105957, 5.955901145935059 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of specific dosages and administration methods for medications or substances.", "pearson_r": 0.5167292600592092, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 393, "freq": 0.007596606545818454, "mean_pos": 3.203639507293701, "max_act": 9.469178199768066, "log_density": -2.119380309437232, "top_texts": [ "Please feel free to reply to this or dm me if you are wanting to talk.", "Like I said I don't have a clear answer, but my DMs are open if you want to talk more.", "Please leave a comment below or DM me if you're interested in being interviewed! The discussion should be relatively short and will be limited to what you're comfortable discussing. I'm more than willing to accommodate your preferred interview method. I'm comfortable with email, Reddit, Skype, or any other platform. ​", "If you wanna talk a bit more, my dms are always open!", "Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk!" ], "top_scores": [ 9.469178199768066, 9.440494537353516, 8.857089042663574, 8.535542488098145, 7.21408748626709 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents an offer of interpersonal support and direct communication.", "pearson_r": 0.426854130690776, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5272, "freq": 0.00741465189801442, "mean_pos": 3.27618670463562, "max_act": 10.948823928833008, "log_density": -2.129909174777924, "top_texts": [ "Actually, his mentioning of projection would point more towards a psychodynamic approach in my opinion.", "It’s probably projection to be honest, Project your own negative traits onto other people then hate them for it never even realizing you are actually hating those traits in yourself. Fucked up and sick how this shit works ain’t it this is how PDs operate and the reason for a lot of the unrealistic emotions and anger that we experience", "For example if you know that under duress you easily go into projection, you can learn how to turn that around and focus your energy on dealing with the root of the problem instead of deflecting it away.", "I have accused others of traits that I have it’s called projection", "* (G)aslight\n* (O)bstruct\n* (P)roject <--This is what #45 is doing here." ], "top_scores": [ 10.948823928833008, 9.492149353027344, 9.189743041992188, 8.978381156921387, 8.518856048583984 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological defense mechanism of projection.", "pearson_r": 0.559314440548667, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3709, "freq": 0.00814247048923056, "mean_pos": 2.9787158966064453, "max_act": 6.773669719696045, "log_density": -2.089243753437516, "top_texts": [ "I think this is more accurate than anything else, it’s a learned behavior out of necessity a sort of survival tool in my opinion", "Edit: here’s a meta study that I largely base my claim off of: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01661-0", "Ubpd spose. Do you think I should send my ubpd spouse to reddit? Will it help? Harm?", "Exactly. it's more of a thing I learned as a kid trying to survive.", "That was experience after all, now you know more, you are becoming better." ], "top_scores": [ 6.773669719696045, 6.34578275680542, 5.86232328414917, 5.487512588500977, 5.437587738037109 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the conceptualization of maladaptive behaviors as learned survival mechanisms or developmental adaptations.", "pearson_r": -0.4175546657840338, "pred_f1": 0.13333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2267, "freq": 0.007846794186549003, "mean_pos": 3.0899131298065186, "max_act": 8.233780860900879, "log_density": -2.1053076829983186, "top_texts": [ "I’ve been in the same spot. I’ve had such horrible work experiences. First off , f that girl, she doesn’t pay your bills . I understand about to meeting with your boss and things not changing but honestly I would at least try to tell her 1 on 1 just to get her input. If she doesn’t care/ doesn’t do anything . Look for another job. But it seems she’s nice if she’s the one was hugging you through panic attacks. I’ve had cold bosses and gotten fired over a panic attack. I was in the serving industry, what industry do you work in?", "Does your boss see you this way too? I have recently been diagnosed with adhd and anxiety ( something ive lived with and put off for health $$ reasons ). \n\nMy boss thinks that my job performance is seperate from my diagnosis. My job deals with accuracy to some extent and there are a lot of things that 'trigger my anxiety then adhd mindset. \n\nMy co-workers critique my spelling, hand writting, organization, and don't leave a lot of room for my explanations. I begin to explain my process and why I've done things that I do, and I think maybe they see me making escuses? \n\nI am pretty easy going, but they put me on edge.\nIt doesn't help that my boss thinks the text book adhd and anxiety symptoms I've told her about are unrelated to performance. \n\nHow do I communicate this? So baffling to me someone wouldn't see that my clinical behaviors are not intentional. That my metrics mean more than my healing and growth now that I've been diagnosed.\nAnd again how do I talk to her when she thinks my performance is seperate from my diag.", "What do you wish your manager or boss could have done to help you if he/she discovers that you have ADD? Hey guys, I am recently diagnosed with ADD. \n\nMy manager just told me that I'm underperforming at work and I need to get better. To try to help him understand that I'm trying my best and I'm not slacking off, I told him about my condition.\n\nHe took it professionally and is now offering to help. He asked me to think of ways and strategies that he could help. It could be to offload certain responsibilities or tasks, or anything.\n\nHowever, my mind is running blank and I'm not sure what I could get him to help with. I'm not inclined to offload my current workload because I don't feel like it's already enough (I'm underperforming), and if I could get my focus down then those workload wouldn't be too heavy.\n\nAll sorts of advice are appreciated here!", "My boss got upset with me Yesterday at the hotel I work at, someone was unsatisfied with the room I (27F) put them in. I moved their room, and made a mental note to go to that room when I had a moment, and turn off any lights they may have left on. \n\nLater on, my boss calls me. We go over our room inventory, and he tells me that I need to go turn the lights off in that room. Mental Note.\n\nSo I get swamped with check ins, and I forget about the lights. My boss calls me again like 3 hours later, and reminds me to go turn the lights off after he confirmed I hadn't done it yet. He then moves on to other topics, we're on the phone talking for the next five minutes. \n\nSo after we hang up, I sit back down. I get another call from him five minutes later, in which he says to me, \"I guess I'll go turn off the lights in that room, since you have so many other important things to do than work.\"\n\nI kind of just stuttered. I can't really remember the rest of the work day. I feel so useless standing in front of him just saying the same \"oh sorry, I forgot\" over and over again. His response is always either \"Why?\" or \"Pay more attention.\" The rejection sensitivity makes this so much worse, given the fact that we can usually talk about his culture and family and what not.\n\nAt work today I kept a list by me so I could remember and check off everything. That worked well.", "My boss keeps harshly scolding me for going too fast I just started a new sales job a week ago, and I've been working very hard to learn quickly since it's a short training program. I'm doing really well overall, and my boss sees a lot of potential in me. He even said I remind him of his boss. But any time I make even the smallest mistake, he points it out in a harsh way, and it's starting to make me feel really bad. I even dread being around him because I know my every move will be scrutinized.\n\nEven when I eliminate mistakes I made before, I don't get much praise. Now that my pitch and presentation are great, my boss keeps telling me I'm moving too fast, and he says \"SLOW DOWN\" in a loud and emphatic way. As of today I've successfully slowed down my delivery to a point where it shouldn't be a problem, but if my brain ever skips over anything and I make a mistake, he tells me the same thing (and harsher each time.)\n\nSo even if I'm not talking fast or moving quickly, any mistake I make is perceived as a result of \"going too fast.\" While my brain does move very quickly and it makes me miss things, this definitely isn't something I'm doing on purpose. I'm pouring everything into this job, in a way I've never done before with any other job, so it's really important to me that I do well.\n\nMy boss doesn't know I have ADHD and I have a feeling he wouldn't react well to me telling him that. He's a really competitive guy who hasn't come off particularly compassionate, so he might see it as an excuse rather than something to accommodate. I also doubt ADHD is something he has much knowledge on.\n\nBut I don't know how else to explain it without directly saying it or look like I'm making excuses. And I don't know how I could ask him to be less harsh without coming off lazy or weak.\n\nFor more info: I'm not on any medication, and don't have an official diagnosis or a primary care provider. Executive dysfunction has made trying to find a doctor really hard, and I've been without one for a year since moving to this city." ], "top_scores": [ 8.233780860900879, 7.6055169105529785, 7.218594551086426, 6.7598419189453125, 6.625548362731934 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents workplace-related stress and professional performance anxiety.", "pearson_r": 0.6478078541415087, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8999, "freq": 0.00814247048923056, "mean_pos": 2.9737915992736816, "max_act": 7.304262161254883, "log_density": -2.089243753437516, "top_texts": [ "The Color Monster\nThe Color Monster goes to school\nDr. Color Monster - Anna Llenas", "How do you make yourself get out of bed when you don’t have to be somewhere right away? When I worked a traditional 8-5 job, I got up (begrudgingly) right away to immediately get ready then go to work. Now I work in the afternoons 4-11pm, so the time to do things like chores, errands, even hobbies have to happen before work. \n\nI find myself hanging out in bed for hours and hours after waking up, scrolling on my phone, procrastinating on getting up. It’s really taken a toll on how I take care of myself. My brain just does not want me to get up unless it’s the last second before I HAVE to leave the house. And only leaving the house unless I have a dire need to. \n\nUnfortunately I’m not on an adhd med at the moment to keep on my nightstand to take upon waking, so it’s down to coping skills. \n\nIt’s essentially “START DOING THE THING” which is the hardest part of my adhd. I procrastinate on doing things I even truly enjoy! I just struggling with “starting” so so much. \n\nDoes anyone have any tips on how to actually get out of bed and starting my day?", "Van Gogh, Frida Kahlo, Matisse, Monet, Michelangelo, Da Vinci likely, Goya,", "Does anyone else often have problems going to bed? I get sleepy and usually will fall asleep shortly after going to bed. The hard part for me is just getting up and going to bed. ", "To ADHD Women, Girls and everyone else, how to you get ready in the morning? I procrastinate waking up, I'm always out of time in the morning! Any ambitions of nice makeup or cute, well-planned outfits are out the window. **Everyday** it's just emergency mascara & concealer in the bathroom at work, OR I get distracted with the perfection of my eyeshadow, and I'm late! \n\nFor date nights, I've told my BF to lie to me about the time we need to leave, so that I'm actually ready on time. I enjoy putting in the effort, and it makes me happy, However I can't pry my limp body out of bed at a reasonable time.\n\nBecause looking nice for work is a 'extra luxury' in my monkey-brain, I always convince myself that I can sleep a bit more and I don't really need to wake up earlier than *10 minutes before I need to be out the door*. Thus I look like a scrub everyday and it really brings me down.\n\nWhat do you beautiful, sleepy people do every morning? I can't seem to pull myself together. All tips or experiences are helpful and welcome. How do you get ready in the morning?!?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.304262161254883, 6.604754447937012, 6.4523210525512695, 6.304189682006836, 6.246833801269531 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the struggle with executive dysfunction and the difficulty of initiating daily routines.", "pearson_r": 0.7330794048660982, "pred_f1": 0.8571428571428571 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4463, "freq": 0.00741465189801442, "mean_pos": 3.241563558578491, "max_act": 7.742453575134277, "log_density": -2.129909174777924, "top_texts": [ "Slowing down happens to everyone. Feb/March have been terrible months for me. I'm only ahead because I read a lot in January.", "Aqua moon married to a scorpio moon. I’m crazier. I just hide it", "February being a short month? I always forget if February effects the date you get your prescription since theirs only 28 days ?", "I can't remember if I got my period this month or not Anyone else? I don't seem to have any recollections of ever getting my period this month. I fucking forgot and now I don't know if I should be concerned or not lmao", "Last March was the due date for the baby I lost . It was such a hard month. You’re in good company here, we understand♥️" ], "top_scores": [ 7.742453575134277, 7.253149032592773, 6.952588081359863, 6.865615367889404, 6.809123992919922 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures temporal awareness and the psychological impact of calendar-based cycles or specific months.", "pearson_r": 0.6118808329035517, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8442, "freq": 0.007141719926308368, "mean_pos": 3.350989818572998, "max_act": 10.51500129699707, "log_density": -2.14619712453421, "top_texts": [ "BPD make a friend discord server! Hi guys! I have BPD, and a lot of my friends that I know have BPD. I'm currently hosting a BPD discord server where people can come and talk to others. It's a brand new server, and I'd like it to build it with people who would just like to talk about everyday problems. This server is not a safespace to ALL your triggers though. Please be aware that there are channels that you can look in instead, or other bpd discord servers that will help you that are more classified as a safespace. We would be happy to have you!\n\nhttps://discord.gg/eMMRRM2", "I didnt intend on dating when I met him but we met in a server on discord for people struggling with mental health issues", "Gaming themed peer mental health support discord I've found a discord server that is a video gamed themed mental health support server. If you like to play some games, or are just in need of some support and companionship, come check it out. Its already been extremely helpful to me so I am here to spread the word! :)\n\nGamers Anonymous is a video game themed peer mental health support server. We are a 18+ supporting server, welcoming of any mental illness and any gaming style.\n\n⟣ Aesthetic earnable roles with fun server currency. ⟣ A diverse, non judgmental, welcoming community. ⟣ Assignable gaming roles to look for others to play with. ⟣ Assignable mental health roles for better specified support. ⟣ Huge supply of mental health resources and skill sheets. ⟣ Supporting channels for one on one peer support. ⟣ Frequent quests, events, games and prompts to participate in. ⟣ Channels with role access for privacy and comfort. ⟣ Big selection of emojis and gif commands. ⟣ Cool place to hang out and talk about games and life!\n\nhttps://discord.gg/5Uqgcfw", "The server encourages happiness and improving yourself. Glamorizing mental illnesses and encouraging people to harm themselves is prohibited. If you are studying something related to mental illnesses or well-being, or if you have a job related to one of those things, you can have a role that shows you are a professional and willing to talk to people in case they have questions or need advice. ​ Invite link: ", " *Disclaimer: This Discord is not at all affiliated with this subreddit and is not moderated by anyone from the moderating team here. * Hi all! I run a general mental health peer support chatroom on Discord for people 18\\+. At over 2600 members, we still maintain a close community\\-oriented atmosphere with rules in place and moderators present at all times." ], "top_scores": [ 10.51500129699707, 10.299209594726562, 10.044751167297363, 9.902722358703613, 9.881719589233398 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the promotion or discussion of external Discord servers for peer mental health support and community connection.", "pearson_r": 0.3243140881296126, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5089, "freq": 0.0083471694680101, "mean_pos": 2.862522840499878, "max_act": 6.435915946960449, "log_density": -2.0784607171372915, "top_texts": [ "I need to start setting some healthy boundaries and cut these people out of my life. I just do not know where to start because they are family but I have three girls that are growing. I cannot have them involved with these monsters. My children will know a different world. Do I tell my father or just fade slowly into the abyss and never look back?", "My family is like this too, the boundaries need to be followed up with a consequence. Show up at my house uninvited? I'm leaving to go somewhere else. Stay at my home when I've specifically asked you to leave? I'm going to demand that you leave. Your mental health is important, you cannot be putting up with this much stress. Be firm until they get the idea. They don't expect you to hold your boundaries firmly and it doesn't sound like they take you seriously. Time to show them that your needs matter and that they need to get a grip. Worked really well with my family and once the boundaries were in place I was able to rebuild the relationships over time with a completely different dynamic.", "Setting boundaries without them being on board and without them getting anything in return might be harmful, so for each boundary you set, ask yourself why it was crossed in the first place and if you two together can find a good alternative that will give them the same feeling and validation that caused the overstep. Communication is key :)", "So what you really need to determine, after setting a boundary on how you will accept being treated, is what *the consequences* will be if she doesn't respect that. Boundaries are useless without consequences. Let her know what you EXPECT from her, and what will happen if she continues to treat you like an emotional punching bag. In terms of what should happen if nothing changes? Well, what would you tell a friend who was being emotionally abused by a loved one? You can choose to continue exposing yourself to the emotional abuse, or not. That is something that is very much within your control. Believe it or not, you owe your mother nothing, not even a relationship with her. Learning to accept that she will never be how you want her to be, will be very painful, as will staying away, but it's the only way to protect yourselve and for the message to have any hope of getting through.", "When you figured out that you had no boundaries, how did you go about building them? I was abused through my entire childhood, from before I can remember til I was 16 when it only stopped because he was arrested for it. My mom stayed with him and keeps trying to push him back into my (and my children's) life. Every so often new memories surface and I ask myself why I still have contact with her. She knew the whole time, she had to have known and she didn't do anything to stand up for us girls. She stayed with him and supports him through it all (and became emotionally/verbally abusive after his arrest because I spoke up about it) And it freaking hurts even 16 years later. \n\nSo now that I see that I need to distance myself from her, how do I go about it while doing damage control with the rest of the family? Should I even care if they get upset? Finally, would talking to a therapist help sort out how to do it and give me the final push? Thank you for any wisdom that you can share with me." ], "top_scores": [ 6.435915946960449, 6.016083717346191, 5.94498348236084, 5.636007308959961, 5.345748424530029 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the practical implementation and enforcement of interpersonal boundaries to protect one's well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.4060724321798152, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5671, "freq": 0.007846794186549003, "mean_pos": 3.0129940509796143, "max_act": 8.65861701965332, "log_density": -2.1053076829983186, "top_texts": [ "I don't know. Pretty sure. But my nose is stuffy from this stupid cold so it'd make sense that I'm having a hard time breathing from it. But I'm also having a hard time breathing through my mouth. I can't find my vapor rub anywhere, which is annoying the crap out of me because I feel like it'd help a little (the mintiness from brushing my teeth helped a tiny bit).", "Yes that! Plus I always pass out so I have stopped trying. I not sure if I just forget to breathe or if it's the combination of humidity and blood being sent to the ol' Sea monster south of the border. Either way I'm idiot for having passed out several times that way...", "I focus on counting my breaths and touch something with a lot of texture.", "The simplest breathing technique can help you calm your mind. It's called diaphragmatic breathing. Simply, place your hands on your belly, then ribs, then upper chest and practice breathing into your hands. At the end, you place one hand on your belly and the other on your heart and breath into your belly up to your heart and back out again. By placing my hands on your body, you can choose a certain number of breaths to count and focus on the physical sensation of your hands rising and falling.", "Breathing and breath Yes, things are undoubtedly scary but we will find a way. Watch your breath. Release the tension in your jaw, neck, shoulders. You will think better with a calmer mind and no amount of panic is going to change our situation. \n\nCheck on your neighbor and offer them comfort. Chances are they feel scared, too.\n\nNow is the time to show the full capacity of your resilience, compassion and strength. Show us what you're really made of. Watch your breath." ], "top_scores": [ 8.65861701965332, 6.547935962677002, 6.386501312255859, 6.101963043212891, 6.0146403312683105 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the physiological and meditative focus on the act of breathing.", "pearson_r": 0.37159482063523114, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3512, "freq": 0.006937020947528828, "mean_pos": 3.383941888809204, "max_act": 8.691904067993164, "log_density": -2.158826931466219, "top_texts": [ "We added a bunch of [security for specific scenarios. If you're more comfortable keeping things on reddit, we put a lot of the same information on r/operationsafeescape. Either way, if you feel your computer's being monitored, check out our [secure guide. Also, we're hosting our first in October. We've also been busy building up partnerships in the security sector, which will allow us to bring even more resources to the audience we serve.", "Anyone else really worried about privacy? I've recently switched my computer from running Windows to running GNU/Linux and have started mostly using the Tor Browser.", "I feel like this was the last thing I wanted to get. I recently moved to another country for studies, I don't have anyone here and that feels kinda shitty, but I was going good. Until I had this electricity problem which killed my laptop and monitor. I still don't know if my synthesizer works. I am currently going back home after I visited a laptop repairment service. They said that if it is fixable, then it will cost a lot and take several days for them to fix it.", "In Nashville, it's going to be below 30 tonight (possibly snow tomorrow). So far it seems my sleeping bag is doing it's job, but my laptop was uber cold. Also gave me some screen errors (I think it may be humidity build up related, because later in the day it worked fine). Right now it's in a laptop case. But that didn't help much.", "All Account Accessing & Retrieval A professional and experienced Hacker who work and connect remotely and are available 24 hours a day all days of the week.. we also provide our clients with hourly updates for the duration of the job..\nWe are here to solve all your problems concerning computer, phone services & other related services. We also work with proof and garantee our customers 100% job satisfaction. we also have a refund policy for any unsatisfied service.\nContact :+1 9166440760" ], "top_scores": [ 8.691904067993164, 7.518454074859619, 7.215153217315674, 7.024067401885986, 6.797345161437988 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects discussions regarding computer hardware, technical security, and digital privacy concerns.", "pearson_r": 0.2939308990895543, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1795, "freq": 0.008119726158255056, "mean_pos": 2.8698391914367676, "max_act": 6.647427558898926, "log_density": -2.090458563819794, "top_texts": [ "That just shows they don't see you as a human being.", "That’s exactly it! I know the feeling too well. And then you start to invalidate yourself and question your asexuality.", "Yes. And straight up showing people they matter, is a solid move!", "You would feel the exact same thing if you were a wageslave. ", "Yes it does. It's heartwarming for a child who feels like he has no one ... to finally find a pet who is similar to him." ], "top_scores": [ 6.647427558898926, 5.961482048034668, 5.591639041900635, 5.587632656097412, 5.365518093109131 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects validation, empathy, and the affirmation of shared human experience.", "pearson_r": -0.003949793337407402, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5282, "freq": 0.007346418905087907, "mean_pos": 3.1687238216400146, "max_act": 11.817599296569824, "log_density": -2.1339242519707433, "top_texts": [ "Squad up.” His eyes lit up. “DIS MAN CRAZY AS A FUCK! I LOVE YOU BRO.” Then we took that picture.", "Well that was relatable, especially the awkward squirming, and the drawn out end. \n\nI could never upload a video of myself, pictures are difficult enough as it is. There were 15 years between the two last pictures of myself, that I shared with people.. \n\n\n\n\n", "is also very likely that other people are more used to take photograph, have found their good expression and keep using it for every photo; i had a friend who we called \"one face\" coz she always looked the same in every picture. While for us, taking photo is always a trauma so we dont really train that part of ourselves.", "I was wondering if we could make something together I think this sub has a bit of a thing with eyes. Eyes come up a lot in the art and I know they are a consistent part of my thoughts. \n \nWhen these selfies wagons come by it's really helpful for me not just to see the different people, but also the eyes. \n \nI was wondering if we could all post to this part the best pictures of out eyes we can take and then me or someone who may be better suited can turn them into a video that cycles through all of them, or a collage perhaps? \n \nWhat do people think?", "My mother said I don’t look good in pictures And now I hate taking pictures more than ever, and I can’t even find a picture where I think I look good enough" ], "top_scores": [ 11.817599296569824, 8.089890480041504, 7.9576029777526855, 7.793208122253418, 7.480997562408447 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents body dysmorphia and self-consciousness regarding physical appearance in photographs.", "pearson_r": 0.6276923541192586, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3816, "freq": 0.007687583869720472, "mean_pos": 3.0252647399902344, "max_act": 7.69248628616333, "log_density": -2.114210076647704, "top_texts": [ "Thank you, that does. We did all of this throughout the lockdown, it is a really good strategy with most of our autistic students. Sometimes they don't always respond to this.", "However, if we’re talking about smells that NO ONE physically can stand, there is a real smell for that!\nTherapists use this method to help with addiction patients of any kind. They are given a sealable jar that they put anything they don’t personally like the smell of into, as well as usually water/milk. Then, they are instructed to keep it on their windowsill for maximum sun exposure.\nWhen their addiction flares up, therapists instruct them to take the jar to the toilet, open it, then close it once they have a reaction\n99/100 they will get violently ill. Works very well if people implemented", "I can kind of understand what you mean by having choices. I'm the exact opposite though. I push through my anxiety best when there's a deadline forcing me to. It's still stressful to do it that way. But thats how things usually get done.", "Need advice Really been struggling and I just want out, is magnesium sulfate really a effective good painless way to go out?", "I have dental anxiety. The real advice is to talk to your dentist about nitrous oxide. It'll put you in a place where you're totally cool with them doing what they need to do." ], "top_scores": [ 7.69248628616333, 6.183772087097168, 6.107326984405518, 5.632587909698486, 5.427460193634033 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of specific therapeutic techniques, coping strategies, or medical interventions for managing mental health and behavioral challenges.", "pearson_r": -0.21054885591323413, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3759, "freq": 0.007300930243136898, "mean_pos": 3.1701278686523438, "max_act": 7.122013568878174, "log_density": -2.1366217415286473, "top_texts": [ "Dr visits once a month? I’m at a new clinic right now and my doctor is telling me that she needs to see me once a month for a drug screen (for marijuna) in order to continue refilling my prescription. Has anyone else encountered this? My old clinic I had to see them once with no screening and I didn’t have to come back for a year. ", "I finally cancelled my TV service I opted for a free trial of the Spectrum TV streaming service a few months back and forgot to cancel it once it ran out. I’ve been paying $$$ each month for something that I don’t need or use, and finally called last night to cancel it. \n\nI used it maybe once for March Madness but not once other than that. I always thought about canceling but never actually did it. I am finally free!", "Any help would be appreciated, after this coming paycheck everything should be ok. Prices Daily - $4 7 day - $25 31 day - $62", "Those of you paying out of pocket for vyvanse, how much are you spending? I have new high-deductible insurance and am going into serious sticker shock over my $376 monthly Vyvanse out of pocket cost. Curious how this compares to everyone else. \n\nTLDR: Vyvanse is super expensive.", "Got my appointment Today, I called for my first appointment concerning my diagnostic in a private cabinet, telling you back in a month or so!" ], "top_scores": [ 7.122013568878174, 6.836623668670654, 6.228036403656006, 6.113163471221924, 5.848682880401611 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the logistical and financial management of healthcare, medication, and recurring service subscriptions.", "pearson_r": 0.024518610217769053, "pred_f1": 0.26666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6015, "freq": 0.008028748834353037, "mean_pos": 2.8752658367156982, "max_act": 6.330714702606201, "log_density": -2.0953520739380873, "top_texts": [ "I'm on Effexor right now. 225 mg. Without these little fuckers, I can't even get outta bed. At least now, I manage to find the strength to eat, get dressed and shower.", "Effexor is DEATH. Run for the hills, seriously. Hello fellow anti-depressant users. I just want to say i’m a long time reddit lurker and this is my second post. Like ever. So please keep me entertained. \n\nI will start off by saying that I have been on Effexor for almost three months now. I was prescribed it in early June. \n\nMaybe some of you can relate, but I had a huge self-reflection event occur recently caused by my divorce. It brought out traumas from my childhood that had been masked by the normalcy of my ex-wife’s family. Around this time I started to realize how crazy I had always lived my life, and in fact, mental illness was controlling my happiness in all aspects; work, family, relationships, and overall productiveness, just to name a few. \n\nSo I decided to seek the help I needed. Little did I know what kind of crazy journey I was about embark on over the next couple months. The root cause of this rollercoaster? Effexor. The devil with a prescription label. Seriously, that is no joke. For anyone that is bad at taking medication timely? Run. Forget your pills when you go out for that yearly camping trip with family? Sike. Have fun feeling like you’re being continually shocked in the brain. And that is you’re lucky, just be glad to be able to function. Because there is nothing like feeling like a bed ridden, brain dead zombie the next day or two if you’re on the latter side of the withdrawals. \n\nThe main point of this thread is not to simply dog on Effexor, because in reality, I’ve heard plenty of success stories with the medicine. But the thread is it allow open discussion about the horrible symptoms, and more importantly the feeling of death that follows when you decide you no longer wish to take it. \n\nI decided to stop this crazy medication cold turkey because of all the ups and downs I have been experiencing, and I have tasked myself with trying to help other understand that the withdrawals they are feeling are ‘normal’ and that they will go away. You are not going to feel the way you are feeling forever.\n\nI will post a few pointers I have realized in the last three days of stopping cold turkey in the comments.", "So I've been uncontrollably losing weight since starting effexor, I'm underweight now. I have a pretty decent appetite, I eat a lot honestly. Prior to this id eat a lot and hover around 105-112lbs. But now I'm at 96lbs. But I can't stop losing weight, I lose around half a pound a day. With my calorie intake I know I shouldn't be losing. I have pretty much all the symptoms of hyperthyroidism now. My muscles are constantly sore, I sweat so much all the time, my hands shake a lot, my heart race always feels like it's rapidly beating. I think I'm gonna get a blood test soon to test for it.\nAnyone else have an issue like this? I haven't heard anyone talk about it.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/Effexor/comments/1lhqvrj/effexor_inducing_hyperthyroidism/", "Anyone on effexor ? I got prescribed this recently and its been a trip.\n\nThoughts?", "Effexor, 225 mg - Adderall, 20 mg (will up my dose to 30 mg because that shit doesn't do anything). " ], "top_scores": [ 6.330714702606201, 5.661343097686768, 5.5575103759765625, 5.504364967346191, 5.384289741516113 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the specific discussion of the antidepressant medication Effexor (venlafaxine).", "pearson_r": NaN, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6418, "freq": 0.007892282848500012, "mean_pos": 2.92240309715271, "max_act": 6.01353120803833, "log_density": -2.1027973035997207, "top_texts": [ "Nope. I am the worst sleep procrastinator. I avoid sleep so much, it’s not even funny.", "Worst Being depressed is the worst. It's like a ton of bricks that slam down on your head and you can't go anywhere. No one sees you, no one hears you, no one listens, no one thinks what you say or do matters. It's the worse. I just want it to get better.", "Until you get night terrors. Trying to wake up from them is some inception level shit.", "The thought that this might be the case is absolutely terrifying to me.", "First is not fun, but third is simply the worst. Everything hurts, any movement is difficult, sleeping is horrible, you’re on constant edge for signs of labor, hemorrhoids, no bladder control…do I need to keep going?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.01353120803833, 5.840061664581299, 5.384858131408691, 5.311769008636475, 5.206022262573242 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of extreme, overwhelming distress or the superlative \"worst\" state of being.", "pearson_r": 0.5504170749632248, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6865, "freq": 0.0066413446448472715, "mean_pos": 3.4636037349700928, "max_act": 12.693399429321289, "log_density": -2.1777439165773633, "top_texts": [ "Valentine's day............more like Hallmark diabetic themed holiday What's the point of Valentine's day? to become sad & suicidal ✅ eat sweets and chocolate until you become diabetic ✅ feeling left out & jealous of other couples making out in front of you ✅ because you are a ethnic minority in a white man's world/country ✅ ", "Being alone on Valentine's Day. So yeah, it's Valentine's Day. And I'm alone. And it's my birthday. A 3-for-one deal that makes me want to dissapear. I'm just going to stare into a wall for the rest of the day, hope y'all have a nice Valentine's Day.", "Hey guys, its Valentine's day this week don't forget to feel cripplingly alone. Probably the worst day of the year to be alone. ", "Whos all alone valentines day like me My girl broke up with me before Christmas to be with another dude so instead of waking up happy to be alive today I'm now more miserable than ever anybody else feeling shitty today if so JOIN ME IN SORROW AND WE CAN BE ALONE TOGETHER ", "Happy valentine's Day! I didn't get a valentine's wish from anyone and chances are that you didn't either. So here's one for all of you out there.♥️" ], "top_scores": [ 12.693399429321289, 12.026603698730469, 11.837305068969727, 11.836044311523438, 11.63095474243164 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures feelings of social isolation, loneliness, and emotional distress specifically triggered by Valentine's Day.", "pearson_r": 0.44950721645275626, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7282, "freq": 0.007551117883867446, "mean_pos": 3.0096335411071777, "max_act": 6.712259292602539, "log_density": -2.1219886922003655, "top_texts": [ "Facebook keeps showing me fake notifications Every time I check my Facebook it'll have about 25 notifications on the notification panel but when you click it they disappear and it shows none. I know it's ridiculous but it's actually really distressing. \"hey people like you.... PSYCH! no they don't, I was lying\"", "Because social expectations can change based on context easily. Not being able to read this change or make sense of the purpose of social expectations makes it hard.", "Isn't it just really odd that society's pretty much setup to lower the population, i.e. not want too many people around (overpopulation), but there's no fucking \"suicide tents\" to line up at for a quick and easy suicide? I imagine people would show up in droves for a quick and easy way out of thus clusterfuck. It's mind-boggling. The food, water, drugs, even air we breath is fucking killing us slowly, but a quick and efficient way is frowned upon. Real head scratcher don't you think?", "Yea there's either some trial shenanigans or Salem Seven influence. The trials before were about giving the witches what they want, but this trial, everyone lost and no one worked through stuff.", "I was having a mild form of attack during the appointment too, but I don't think the hot flash was there. Does anyone else experience this? Thanks everyone! EDIT: I forgot to mention I'm doing nofap, but only today have I started doing it right, since until now I've still been edging which is bad. This might temporarily unbalance your hormones, so maybe it's contributing." ], "top_scores": [ 6.712259292602539, 6.3888750076293945, 6.03897762298584, 5.960815906524658, 5.8123674392700195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures experiences of cognitive dissonance, social alienation, or perceived incongruity between internal reality and external expectations.", "pearson_r": -0.31391578212928345, "pred_f1": 0.4166666666666667 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5759, "freq": 0.007528373552891942, "mean_pos": 3.016098976135254, "max_act": 6.817259311676025, "log_density": -2.1232987819549245, "top_texts": [ "Elevate and other apps designed to stimulate the mind Has anyone, or does anyone use apps like this? I used Elevate for a while. It helped me remember things just a little more. Made me a little quicker and slightly more focused mentally. I was wondering if anyone else had some success with apps like this. \n\n\nQuiz up was another one that helped me focus too.", "Other ideas on accounts to follow include life skills accounts (cooking, “self-care”, how-tos, relationship advice, mental health tips, etc.). Try to incorporate content that is beneficial and avoid having a feed that is comprised only of selfies, people flexing on others, and other annoying and largely nonproductive content.", "I’ve truly been inspired to be more generous with complements and lifting others up. I’ll never know what affect it may have on someone! 💕 it could make their day. Also, it gets me outside of my own head. Just wanted to share my positive experience and possibly inspire someone to share kind words throughout the day.", "Why must some or you bring down people trying to uplift??? Trying to spread love??? waaaaaaah waaaah im depressed... THEN FUCKING KILL URSELF!!! Saw a positive post on here an saw many negative comments.. if u cant take positivity or love.. JUST FUCKING END IT!!! KILL URSELF!!! But dont bring down people trying to uplift other people", "The reason these numbers have increased so drastically is similar to the reason why the prevalence of left-handedness shot up in the late 20th century - when stigma reduces and understanding increases, a whole lot of people suddenly get recognised for what they actually are." ], "top_scores": [ 6.817259311676025, 5.796271800994873, 5.4720330238342285, 5.204511642456055, 5.150145530700684 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the theme of proactive self-improvement, positive social reinforcement, and the discourse surrounding mental health awareness.", "pearson_r": -0.09435081955836586, "pred_f1": 0.56 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6619, "freq": 0.00579980439875361, "mean_pos": 3.914496660232544, "max_act": 8.321013450622559, "log_density": -2.236586578103497, "top_texts": [ "DAE beat themselves up when people say no to seeing you Like when I ask someone to hang out or make plans and they say no it crushes me. It makes me feel so unimportant and pathetic. But why would anyone wanna be around me. I know that kind of thought process is unproductive, it just sucks, other people can go on with their day after someone saying no to seeing them but I (and guessing others who are reading this) just get so low and self deprecating. ", "DAE feel like they don't know who they are? I feel like I'm nobody. I've no idea who I am. I have no defined sense of style or personality, and I'm so focused on being interesting and pretty and funny to other people. If there's something I know is funny to other people, I make jokes about that. If there's someone I know that my friend or S/O likes, I'll try to be like that person so I don't have to face rejection. I feel like after facing the trauma that I did, I've been so sheltered that I haven't experienced anything. I walk around like a zombie and I'm so tired of trying to be something to people, that I just want to be quiet. DAE feel like this?", "DAE not care about New Year's? I mean, I'm not hating on people who celebrate it, it's just not my thing personally. To me it's just a new year. There will be plenty of them in the future. A lot of people will dislike 2018 in the same way they've disliked almost every year before it. ", "DAE have fictional relationships with people / fictional characters? I've always had them; not as much in the past year but I get into these extensive romantic fantasies with characters from video games, movies, my own OCs, etc. and I often feel legitimate connection with them (until they get boring...) \n\nMaybe I'm just really, really lonely.", "DAE want the voices to be real because you would feel lonely without them? For like almost a year in 2018/2019 I stopped listening to the voices and it was just background noise I tried to ignore and I said they’re not real, but now I feel differently tbh." ], "top_scores": [ 8.321013450622559, 8.043017387390137, 7.89992094039917, 7.790968418121338, 7.737298011779785 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the \"Does Anyone Else\" (DAE) phenomenon, specifically reflecting a search for validation or shared experience regarding personal identity, social rejection, and internal psychological states.", "pearson_r": 0.8496200942984823, "pred_f1": 0.8333333333333334 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8582, "freq": 0.0077558168626469855, "mean_pos": 2.918853282928467, "max_act": 6.520881175994873, "log_density": -2.110372398429867, "top_texts": [ "They really don’t do much the first few days. It’s not the struggle you picture!!", "It’s likely too that you just need time to adjust to the new environment if there isn’t anything in particular that’s hindering you from feeling secure.", "Just save yourself the stress the next couple days. It'll be a shitty adjustment no matter what! You got this.", "It is not worth getting yourself worked up because they haven't texted you yet, it isn't worth the mental anquish we feel and put ourselves through because we expect this from them. Teach yourself to text later in the day or start conversations later in the day, and that way the good mornings aren't expected but are something nice when you get them. Don't let this be the downfall of your relationship if the rest of it is good.", "Hated the beginning so much. Every day seems like an eternity, every trip to the bathroom is terror. The days DO start moving faster♥️" ], "top_scores": [ 6.520881175994873, 6.215883255004883, 6.114196300506592, 5.383243083953857, 5.2526044845581055 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies advice and encouragement regarding the temporary nature of acute emotional distress during transitional periods.", "pearson_r": 0.46787598545589665, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9772, "freq": 0.007073486933381855, "mean_pos": 3.1969592571258545, "max_act": 8.0341796875, "log_density": -2.150366382993987, "top_texts": [ "Asking for medication increase. Should I, and how? I've been on Dexamphetamine (15mg in total daily) for about half a year now. It's my first ADHD medication and it's been working amazingly. I've got a sleep schedule, I'm less anxious, I can remember things, it's great. \n\nI'm still very happy with the effect but I can't help but feel like a higher dose would work better. I'm spacey between doses and the period between the third dose and sleep leaves me basically useless.\n\nWith past medications like anti-depressants, my shrink has encouraged me to experiment with my dose to find out what works best, but *obviously* with an addictive substance they don't want you to do that.\n\nI have this terrible fear of seeming like a drug addict or being judged for wanting to take more. I wouldn't even know how to word the request. Could someone tell me how they've broached it, if they have? Is my dose high as it is?", "Dose too high or too low? Hey everybody. I recently started sertraline. It's been bout 7-8 weeks. During week 5 I felt like a new person. I felt great. I wasn't cranky or irritable, I made my gf happy, I wasn't snippy, and I felt motivated and positive for the first time in 10 years. \n\nHowever, that lasted a week. Now I feel the same as before the meds, maybe even more irritable. \n\nDoes this mean my body adjusted to the meds and I need a higher dose? Or does it mean I have passed my optimal dose by building it up past that point? I take 50mg, thinking of starting 75 to see what happens, but I get the side effects every time I up the dose so I would like some input. Thanks!", "My parents won't let me increase my zoloft dose I'm 16, and I recently started taking zoloft after a brief stay in a psych hospital. My parents are from a country that doesn't discuss mental health, so it took multiple psychiatrists, therapists, and school guidance counselors to convince them that I was mentally ill. I was doing fine for a while on my current dosage along with therapy, but for the past couple months I've been spiraling downwards. I can barely get through the day, and my grades are suffering as a result. My therapist told me I should talk to my parents and psychiatrist about increasing my dose, but my parents are unwilling to budge. What should I do? I don't think I can go on like this.", "BF (M25) was recommended to increase dose of anti-depressants by doctors, based on questionable reasons Hi! As i wrote, my BF has been recommended to increase (double) his dose of sertraline.\n\nThe earlier story is that he had been on sertralin for about 5 years due to depression and anxiety. Lately he says he’s been feeling Good, he is not depressed and seldom feel anxious any more. He is constantly improving also, and this has given him hope to some day quit his medication.\n\nSo, a couple of weeks ago he went to see his doctor because he was feeling tired a lot, and based on that one reason he was prescribed a double dose of sertraline. He him self claims that he is not more tired due to depression or some other mental health issue, as he knows by experience how that feels.\n\nBecause im not familiar with anti-depressants, I have some questions.\n\n1: Will I as a GF notice any changes in personality?\n\n2: is ”tired” a valid reason to double his dose of sertraline even though his goal is to quit it?\n\nAny other tips are appreciated, thanks!", "300mg of Wellbutrin worsening depression Hey guys so about 10 days ago I upped from 150mg to 300mg of wellbutrin once daily in the morning.\n\nOn 150mg I didn‘t feel any effects.\nNow on 300mg it seems like my concentration might be slightly better. \n\nBut now after 10 days I often get that enorm rushes of nervous and stressful kind of hurtful depression. \n\nThat‘s especially the case when I‘m alone or when I‘m not stimulated by any stimuli. As I have social anxiety, people around me kind of stimulate me. Maybe that‘s the reason why I‘m not getting depressed when people or friends are around me. Or it‘s just the typical effect of distraction.\n\nTo my question: What would you say out of your experience? Is it normal to feel those side effects beginning the higher dose of 300mg wellbutrin? Is it a sign that the dosage might be too high, that I should stop, that the medicament is not the right one for me? \n\nThe depressive phases are very bad. I‘m in Europe, here it’s 6 am right now, and I just woke up at 5 with bad symptoms of depression and future anxiety.\n\nThank you for your attention!" ], "top_scores": [ 8.0341796875, 7.372255325317383, 7.172757625579834, 7.092750072479248, 6.930850028991699 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the evaluation and management of psychiatric medication dosages.", "pearson_r": 0.6027403090467841, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8080, "freq": 0.0075738622148429505, "mean_pos": 2.9812772274017334, "max_act": 5.846051216125488, "log_density": -2.1206825425707962, "top_texts": [ "LITERALLY like one dude suggested us to “Ideate” about completing the daily task that’s required of us that traumatizes us a lot to do.\nLike uh…. Okay? How is that helpful? Now the alter who does it for us is just like, “Hi?” None of us knew he existed, and probably didn’t need to :( but we made him as comfy in what he has to do for us as possible ^-^", "Depends on trip setting etc. You definitely need people you trust as trip sitters", "Do u get criticized for doing everything by yourself? I don't like correcting someone else's mistake, is a bit frustrating. So to avoid it i just do all the work by myself. But i run an organization that manage tons of people, clearly the way i've been dealing with this thing it's not working cause i overwork (and frustrated) myself. So either i work by myself or ask someone to do their work, i eventually frustrated myself. What a poison. Any tips?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/entj/comments/xk1zhl/entj_and_teamwork/", "An alter is one of personalities in multiple personality disorder (currently known as DID)", "We have an alter from our dreams, she is a black entity with glowing white speckles coming to a bright center, she helps connect reality to non-reality for us (dreams included)\nBut we also have an alter who, if needed, will “bonk” us to sleep as a whole role. He also holds some instability in our head and has his own subsystem to deal with it.\nAlso, apparently since dissociation can feel like sleep, we heard a while ago that having an alter who sleeps or puts the body to sleep is not uncommon?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.846051216125488, 5.559808731079102, 5.203972339630127, 5.196487903594971, 5.187143802642822 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and management of dissociative identity disorder (DID) and the presence of alters.", "pearson_r": 0.28171808490950545, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8525, "freq": 0.006732321968749289, "mean_pos": 3.338632106781006, "max_act": 9.16961669921875, "log_density": -2.1718350578505263, "top_texts": [ "I currently only take it when I have to work. I believe I have already built up a bit of a tolerance because I don't feel it makes much difference either way.", "Adderall used to be the most amazing thing when I took it, eventually it didn't matter if I took it or not because my body had built up such a tolerance to it :-(", "I feel you. That used to be me but with coke. Meth, for some strange reason, doesn't work on me anymore, so I don't bother with it at all. Same goes for Molly. Due to a decade of abuse, tolerance has made it clear that I'll be forever prevented from having fun like I used to. At least with psychedelics it's hard to build a tolerance, right? ..Right?", "I did at first it did. Night and day difference. Incredible!! But then my body built up a tolerance after a few years and I have never been able to get it back. I can actually stop taking the medications and it not have a huge impact on me. I've tried assorted medications and dosages but it's never the same.", "Will normal freqency masturbation cause increased tolerance to stimulant medications?? Ive been trying to find text about this but am having trouble. Can someone provide their experience? \nI'm on month 6 of 18mg Concerta XR once daily followed by 10mg booster in the late afternoon. I masturbate usually after every 2-3 days. During those days I do 1-2 times a day. Sorry for the bluntness I guess, just trying to put everything plainly so hopefully I get better feedback. \nAnyway, my medication is still working fine at this point. The euphoria has gone away as I expected, but I still have the beneficial effects on my emotions and focus that I need. \nI'm worried though, does this level of masturbation increase tolerance to the medication? All I know is that masturbating causes a surge of dopamine in the brain, and added with the effects of Concerta .. will this increase my tolerance over time? \n\nCan anyone share their experience, especially those who have been on medication much longer than I have?" ], "top_scores": [ 9.16961669921875, 8.651734352111816, 8.515945434570312, 8.45070743560791, 8.0753173828125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the development of physiological tolerance to stimulant medications or substances.", "pearson_r": 0.4377243447772178, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2690, "freq": 0.007619350876793959, "mean_pos": 2.920574903488159, "max_act": 5.842757701873779, "log_density": -2.1180819693826063, "top_texts": [ "Not sure if this is exactly the same thing as Hypergraphia, though!", "What’s wrong with hyper focusing? Looking for advice. Everyone says that it’s a bad thing or something to be minimised but I love it. \n\nI feel like a god when I hyper focus I get so much work done and am incredibly detail orientated. Sure sometimes I forget to eat and struggle to sleep but surly that’s a worthy trade off?\n\nI suppose maybe I’m lucky to have friends that ground me and are patient when I hyper focus. (As I can get a bit short if distracted from my target) \n\nIs this a bad thing? Tell me about your negative experiences with hyper focusing. ", "Psychosis isn't a known side effect of yoga so I'm going to say it's probably a correlation rather than a causation.", "I experience hypergraphia partially because of STPD and partially because of Bipolar I. It's an unholy mixture and they make each other worse.\n\nI really honed my writing skills with hypergraphia despite lots of the writing being about the same topic over and over indicative of thought disorder.\n\nI once wrote an entire grad school research paper on the link between symbology, ancient religions and cave paintings, Akkadian, Freud, dreams, and Frank Lloyd Wright. There were almost no categorical boundaries but I tied it together and wrote with so much passion so well than I got an A. I wrote a 30 page paper and prepared two 45 minute lectures all in the span of about 6 days - three days of mania early in the semester and 3 days toward the middle.\n\nIt's not writing, but I have been able to channel a lot of loose associations and ideas of reference into some pretty great architectural projects for school. It was very stressful since I could feel the universe watching but that was just more motivation to do well.", "At that point you're just canceling each other out and putting unnecessary strain on your brain and body." ], "top_scores": [ 5.842757701873779, 5.678990840911865, 5.655437469482422, 5.569970607757568, 5.376750469207764 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of specific neurodivergent or psychiatric symptoms, such as hypergraphia and hyperfocus, often in the context of formal diagnoses.", "pearson_r": 0.31051668940470034, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8424, "freq": 0.007687583869720472, "mean_pos": 2.893075704574585, "max_act": 6.27480936050415, "log_density": -2.114210076647704, "top_texts": [ "But I'm pretty sure it's adeepindigo Health Care redux because I also get this moodlet and that's the only health mod I have.", "I’m not even saying that this applies to everyone either. I’m just saying that a lot of an intense color in a room makes me more anxious", "What are these mothers’s inspiration? Do they wake up in the morning & think “my family & I aren’t depressed enough yet. I know, let’s take all the most depressing colors I can think of & make a rainbow for my kids. This way they’ll look back on their childhoods & reminisce about what could have been”", "The specific symptom of that is called illusory palinopsia I believe!", "Maybe it’s an astral thing then and my physical body is just reacting?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.27480936050415, 5.960884094238281, 5.691334247589111, 5.576883792877197, 5.519330024719238 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the perception of sensory stimuli, colors, and external environmental triggers affecting mental states.", "pearson_r": 0.38741903396887784, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9711, "freq": 0.006664088975822776, "mean_pos": 3.334839344024658, "max_act": 9.385984420776367, "log_density": -2.176259147894855, "top_texts": [ "/uj I'm a trans person and I've had to play cis for basically my entire life. Why aren't they casting me", "It's moving more towards \"you're not real trans if you don't try to pass\". It's high on the list of things that makes me angry about trans-trans gatekeeping for a plethora of reasons. ", "there's tons of information on r/ask_transgender and other trans subreddits, i haven't had the most typical experience, and i dont think my experience is a good first impression of trans experiences. \n\nthat said, i want to share. the system is frustrating, im currently blocked from hormones because my doctors want me to work through the anxiety/avoidance/depression/paranoia/etc before going on hormones. IMO, the hormones will help with that. the problem is, i was on hormones and i didnt have a support system, i didnt socially transition at all while on hormones, so not much changed. i was too depressed to really feel the effects of hormones. i enjoyed the physical changes. softer skin, breast development, different body odor, slower facial hair growth. i think my food taste and sense of smell changed but i was really too depressed at the time to tell. i think my sexual orientation was starting to change, or maybe it was repressed and starting to become more comfortable to express with the comfortable hormone levels, but i still am constantly fighting myself, and i have a lot of ingrained psychological punishment to prevent myself from being girly or even *thinking* thoughts that feel feminine that i have to work through. so much self shame, toxic masculinity is a thing. there's no reason to shame men for having emotions. emotions doesnt equal being a pussy faggot whatever other insults are used for emotion. emotion isnt submissiveness. anyways, my reactionary self still hasn't got the memo. as well, i didnt start early enough to prevent my voice from dropping, and my bone structure masculinized before hormones could feminize it. and now that im blocked from hormones, more facial hair i never had is developing, which fucking blows. the loss of muscle wasn't really an issue, since i was never that muscular to begin with, but it was noticeable, especially since i was on an antiandrogen which made my testosterone lower even than cis womens. couldn't exercise with the same time+intensity as before. ", "sure--its awful tbh. i came out three years ago and haven't socially transitioned at all. i kid you not i cant spend a day, hardly even an hour, without thinking about how much better id look if i had came out when i first learned about transitioning a decade ago, around puberty. course if i had then, it probably still wouldnt have been early enough, but i woulda been shorter, and maybe even had a feminine voice. my hips might still be as thin as they are though. and thats currently whats depressing me, hips and voice. im gatekept from hormones even though i was on them for three years, altho my endo is convinced i wont be getting more masculine anyway, despite me telling her im getting facial hair i never had before. i keep looking up kim petras and making myself depressed because of what ill never be. i honestly want to disappear, and im numb most of the time. trying to get a job at starbucks because of the benefits they offer, but first i need to update my linkedin and resume and i still dont even know why i try at all because of being unable to get past the regrets. ", "same, its even better that im trans and ill never look like an average cis female does! :D (kill me) " ], "top_scores": [ 9.385984420776367, 7.8799004554748535, 7.575787544250488, 7.270881652832031, 7.0945587158203125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the lived experience and internal conflicts associated with transgender identity and gender dysphoria.", "pearson_r": 0.637667043951948, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7445, "freq": 0.007551117883867446, "mean_pos": 2.9368205070495605, "max_act": 7.589686393737793, "log_density": -2.1219886922003655, "top_texts": [ "Når først du har brug for det, for at fungere, så er du på et skråplan.", "Meds before or after shower? Heya, rando question but do y'all take your meds before or after a morning shower? Are there any positive effects of taking them before or after?\n\nI don't normally shower in the morning, only on weekends but I'm finding that I'm forgetting to take meds on the weekend and sleeping 14+ hours. \n\nLast part was irrelevant but just trying to figure out the best way to stay motivated and get the most out of my meds etc.\n\nF, 22, dx last year, 20mg dex.", "I would look into how, if I'm not mistaken, it needs to be taken the same way each time for example if taken with food it needs to consistently be taken with food, on an empty stomach, then it needs to be taken that way. I strongly feel I came across something regarding efficiency when taken the same way daily and that it's not as effective if you switch up taking on an empty vs with food.", "I haven't really had any issues with grogginess, but like I said, I take it at night before bed. I also do take Adderall in the morning, so that might also be part of it.", "I need perfect med timing tomorrow So, I’m a nervous flyer, and still working through the daily nerves of my new job. \n\nTomorrow, I have a flight at 8am, and then go directly to work once I land. I have to perfectly time when I take my vyvance. If I take it before I fly, I’ll have a panic attack and have to take a shit while in the air..no good.\n\nIf I take it when I land, it won’t take effect until I’m working, and I’ll probably need to take a shit at a manufacturing plant with questionable bathroom options while people are waiting on me. No good.\n\nI need to take it mid-air so that I will only be freaking out a bit as I land, can take a dump at the airport, and get to work with a focused mind. \n\nThoughts and prayers are welcome" ], "top_scores": [ 7.589686393737793, 6.615977764129639, 6.097106456756592, 5.692866325378418, 5.467021942138672 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the logistical management and scheduling of psychiatric medication.", "pearson_r": 0.5852815357555566, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6033, "freq": 0.0074828848909409326, "mean_pos": 2.9540393352508545, "max_act": 8.088027000427246, "log_density": -2.125930877429984, "top_texts": [ "Yeah they do the same. Any shadows that there are, they’re lurking in them. They just won’t hurt me if I’m not alone or in daylight. I can always feel them hiding though. It sucks but it’s nice knowing I’m not alone, thank you", "Thank you, that helps. I have my bf here with me and the shadow men never linger when I’m around someone and the person is awake so I’m safe rn.", "(I’m on meds and am currently in the process of getting them adjusted.) These creatures live in the shadows so I can’t step into shadows and need a flashlight. They’re always waiting to grab my legs and pull me away and devour me. They’re big, covered in blood, and always starving.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/schizophrenia/comments/1mvjuun/i_drew_what_the_shadow_monster_that_wants_to_eat/", "Oh, yeah. Idk really. They just do. The shadow men don’t like me and try to scare me and make me paranoid. They’re malicious unfortunately", "Sometimes I'd see something, even if it was a vague message, and think that it has to mean something significant, otherwise why would I have been there to see it?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.088027000427246, 7.018136501312256, 6.775529861450195, 5.658266544342041, 5.455217361450195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of visual hallucinations or persecutory delusions involving shadow entities.", "pearson_r": 0.0, "pred_f1": 0.16666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9769, "freq": 0.007528373552891942, "mean_pos": 2.929844856262207, "max_act": 9.265402793884277, "log_density": -2.1232987819549245, "top_texts": [ "Switching meds I am switching from Dexedrine to Ritalin tomorrow! Anything I should know?\nPersonal experience is very appreciated!", "Anyone take Dexedrine? I've started Dexedrine recently, and me and my Doctor are going to settle at 20mgs instant release, twice a day. I'm curious what experiences others have. Effectiveness, dosage, side effects, etc. Thank you in advance. \n", "- Effexor XR My doctor says it's basically a crap shoot. Different people react to medication in different ways. Still, I'd love some first hand accounts of what it's like to be on these medications. Can anyone share their experience?", "Switching from Vyvanse to Adderall XR, and I'm a bit nervous... Hey friends!\n\nUnfortunately for me, I have to switch from 30mg Vyvanse to 20mg Adderall XR due to health insurance costs. My plan, plus the Shire coupon bring the cost of my script down to $225 and that's just way too fucking much lol.\n\nBeen on Vyvanse for 4 years and it's worked very well for me. I've only occasionally taken Adderall recreationally, but never for an extended amount of time. \n\nIs there any advice I should know from anyone who has made the switch? How has it worked for you? I'm nervous that it's not going to go well, and I'm going to start messing shit up and lose my job or become super angry or on edge. \n\nThanks :)", "Switching from Vyvanse to Adderall XR, and I'm a bit nervous... Hey friends!\n\nUnfortunately for me, I have to switch from 30mg Vyvanse to 20mg Adderall XR due to health insurance costs. My plan, plus the Shire coupon bring the cost of my script down to $225 and that's just way too fucking much lol.\n\nBeen on Vyvanse for 4 years and it's worked very well for me. I've only occasionally taken Adderall recreationally, but never for an extended amount of time. \n\nIs there any advice I should know from anyone who has made the switch? How has it worked for you? I'm nervous that it's not going to go well, and I'm going to start messing shit up and lose my job or become super angry or on edge. \n\nThanks :)" ], "top_scores": [ 9.265402793884277, 6.5577712059021, 6.441461086273193, 6.078518867492676, 6.078518867492676 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the solicitation of peer experiences and practical advice regarding psychiatric medication transitions and dosage management.", "pearson_r": 0.2573980628890254, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6115, "freq": 0.006368412673141219, "mean_pos": 3.4560062885284424, "max_act": 9.664548873901367, "log_density": -2.195968733881025, "top_texts": [ "If you would like to donate, please go to: My fundraising goal is high and I am struggling to reach it, so donations would be very much appreciated. You can also see what I have done so far to collect money if you click the link. Any donations are welcome, no matter how big or small. It would also be greatly appreciated if you could share this.", "Her GoFundMe is at: ​ Any shares you could do would mean the WORLD to her, and to me. Donations are good too, but shares are sooooo valuable! Thank you for any support, I really do appreciate it.", "I've hit a roadblock and I need your help. I created a Gofundme campaign just to try and get my foot in the door. You can check it out at and please, if you're not able to donate, please share it with anyone you know who might, or any groups you might be a member of who might help. I'm 30 years old now and have nothing to show for it, and I'd like to change that. Thank you all and good karma for everyone.", "My primary concern is to get her the surgery and treatment she needs to save her life. To that end, I've set up a fundraising campaign here: Every little bit helps! I know it's a long shot to reach the goal, but every dollar you can spare goes a long way to help, even if the goal isn't reached. I would be so grateful for any and all assistance, even if it's just to share this story/fundraising with your family and friends.", "I would like to surprise my friend with the kindness of strangers by crowd funding her vet bill. Please take a look at the [gofundme I have set up. Any and all donations are greatly appreciated. Even if you are unable to donate, shares on facebook and twitter will be very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to read my request." ], "top_scores": [ 9.664548873901367, 9.636361122131348, 8.860350608825684, 8.364385604858398, 8.042317390441895 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents requests for financial assistance and crowdfunding support for personal or medical needs.", "pearson_r": 0.5932711598509636, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8604, "freq": 0.00689153228557782, "mean_pos": 3.192389726638794, "max_act": 9.629311561584473, "log_density": -2.1616841418974637, "top_texts": [ "False negative- Any advice welcome. I’m on vyvanse for adhd and have been for 4 years. Last week my doctor called and said that since I didn’t have it in my system twice now, that they can no longer prescribe the vyvanse. 1. I take it every day (almost, had surgery and stopped during the recovery) \n\n2. I never knew that I didn’t “pass” the drug test last time. \n \n3. I took it that day! I took it at 6:45 am, tested around 3:30 pm. It didn’t show up in my sample. Why? How?? \n\nI drink 3-4 cups of coffee a day, I eat moderately healthy, I’m overweight, 190 and I’m 5’3. I also walk for work an average 15-18k steps a day. I average 3-4K steps a day on my days off. \n\nI called my dr back and asked for another test, they said they “added something on “ to the test order, and would get back to me. \n\nAnyone have this happen? Are there any scholarly articles I can share with my dr? It’s humiliating enough to have to go get a drug test to get my meds, now I’m failing it by peeing clean, and look like I’m abusing the system. I’m not, never have. \n", "I can't find any cases of where escitalopram gave false positive for methamphetamine. But there are many different ways of drug testing and some of them are not accurate at all. GC/MS analysis is the most accurate test method of them all and has near zero chance of giving false positive. Without knowing what method they used I can't speculate further. \n \nIt seems unlikely your food was laced with methamphetamine. I know world is crazy place and anything can happen. But methamphetamine tastes extremely bitter. You would have probably tasted it in the food.", "It sounds like you don’t have herpes. You tested negative. Acne around the mouth is common. It sounds like you’re still stressed because you did something you’ve never done before and are anxious about potential consequences you’ve never had to face before. For instance a lot of girls really worry about being pregnant the first time they have sex, even after using protection / testing negative. Be gentle on yourself, you’re okay", "It’s super weird because my cultures keep coming back negative but my doctor says I most likely have one. I was scared at first but it’s been happening every day for a week straight and at this point I’m too tired and sick to care much :(", "Urinalysis came back negative for my prescription??? Hey everyone, I’m knew to this page (didn’t know it existed) and just got my most recent urinalysis results back. I take Adderall 20mg ER in the morning and a 10mg IR tab in the afternoon. My psychiatrist tests me pretty frequently as I have a history of pot smoking 😒 and this past test result showed that I was 100% negative for weed (as I knew it would), which yay cause now that it’s not even coming back as a presumed positive anymore maybe she’ll back off a bit, but it did come back presumed positive for amphetamines, but then ultimately negative. I don’t understand, I take it consistently except I didn’t take it that morning and I skipped a dose like 3 days before hand, but that shouldn’t decrease my levels that much. I’m really worried that now my doctor is going to think I’m not taking it all and stop prescribing, especially because she’s going on maternity leave and her associates were going to continue prescribing for me while she’s out. Any advice on what to do? I am compliant in my meds, I no longer smoke weed, but now I’m afraid that I’m going to be cut off for something that isn’t even my fault and I can’t explain. If anyone has any tips, feedback, or similar experiences I would be incredibly grateful. " ], "top_scores": [ 9.629311561584473, 9.422969818115234, 9.380755424499512, 8.140702247619629, 7.612090587615967 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents anxiety or confusion regarding medical test results and diagnostic uncertainty.", "pearson_r": 0.4449452133137944, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 376, "freq": 0.007596606545818454, "mean_pos": 2.8955774307250977, "max_act": 5.623625755310059, "log_density": -2.119380309437232, "top_texts": [ "wow my dad made us stand in the corner for long periods of time too but this was all when we were well into grade school at least, like 2nd or 3rd grade. that's heartbreaking to hear it happened as a toddler.", "Tell me where I said to give up. Please. Tell me. I'll wait.", "But everytime I even mention the future, he is ESTACTIC. Which does not help me at all. I am definitely giving it till July, to see if we are even still talking (we are living together) so the interaction we have is more than other new couples might have.", "I’m in acute psychosis right now. I just met John Lennon and he’s refusing to take me to the hospital. He said mark chapman is there watching over Kennedy’s body. They are outside now. Where is big John?", "We have a calm corner but the only space for it is quite visible from windows so we couldn't place him there" ], "top_scores": [ 5.623625755310059, 5.389348030090332, 5.314905166625977, 5.078423976898193, 5.0015177726745605 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects descriptions of specific, immediate, or concrete environmental and interpersonal scenarios.", "pearson_r": -0.13130140225102543, "pred_f1": 0.56 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2071, "freq": 0.007664839538744968, "mean_pos": 2.8513882160186768, "max_act": 5.805654048919678, "log_density": -2.115496875886385, "top_texts": [ "Buckle up cause its not a short story. It started last month when my flatmate who knows I'm immunocompromised knowingly visited her sick bf and family, then came home and got me sick. I am super pissed cause it effected me so badly I ended up in hospital - to which she said good, I deserved it for how I had been going on about blaming her for getting me sick - we got over that, mostly. We have flat chores which she didn't do, and I've had to remind he rto pay her rent almost every week since she moved in. I feel like a nagging mum at this point rather than an adult living with other adults. And it has wound me up to no end, as even asking (her and her friend that moved in) to do their chores, if they do them, they are half done. I had been stewing in this for about a week when she pulled the range hood out too far and got it stuck, she asked me for help, and I just absolutely snapped, saying she fucked it and pulled it out to far.", "Buckle up cause its not a short story. It started last month when my flatmate who knows I'm immunocompromised knowingly visited her sick bf and family, then came home with it and got me sick. I am super pissed cause it effected me so badly I ended up in hospital - to which she said good, I deserved it for how I had been going on about blaming her for getting me sick - we got over that, mostly. We have flat chores which she didn't do, and I've had to remind her to pay her rent almost every week since she moved in. I feel like a nagging mum at this point rather than an adult living with other adults. And it has wound me up to no end, as even asking (her and her friend that moved in) to do their chores, if they do them, they are half done. I had been stewing in this for about a week when she pulled the range hood out too far and got it stuck, she asked me for help, and I just absolutely snapped, saying she fucked it and pulled it out to far. I know I snapped and I know I shouldn't have, I already feel super guilt for that.", "Your life can be dysfunctional in ways that have nothing to do with ADHD Just something to think about. Once you have a diagnosis of ADHD, and it explains *so much* of what is wrong in your life, it is easy to see this as the only explanation. There might be no one easier to bully than someone with ADHD, because they have been wrong about things so many times.\n\nBut it's important to take a step back and realize that in many cases the problem isn't always with you. You might be in a toxic work environment, expectations might be unrealistic. Someone might have stolen your wallet, you didn't actually lose it. You might simply have too much on your plate: Can you really be expected to manage school, a full time job, and taking care of young children at the same time?\n\nI wonder about \"normal\" sometimes. I forget things sometimes, try to do too much, and have a hard time following conversations. But so does everyone else. What can a normal person be expected to do that I can't? Or is what I am expected to do more than what a normal person can? Are other people in my life, family, friends, employers, co-workers, really accurate judges of my ADHD?\n\n\"Normal people\" are often incredible hypocrites. They expect more of others than they can do themselves. Supervisors can be greedy: They aren't comparing you to a standard, they just want as much as you can possibly do, and will still crack the whip on you on last time for good measure.\n\nJust be careful out there.", "“Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people well, some people would rather die.", "No help after major surgery So my mom who was the only one who promised to help me after I have major surgery soon (I am getting an Ostomy) has just called to let me know that she won´t be helping me the first few days by being around because ´it´s too much for her´.\n\nSo she said I just have to go home and hope that the hospital arranges someone to come check up on me, because she can´t handle it. Whatever I feel about it is irrelevant. She says she wants to come visit but she won´t actually help me because it is ´too intense´. \n\nWell guess what, no one is asking her to take care of my wound. The hospital will arrange a nurse. But I don´t care about that, that is NOT what is important here. What is important here is that my mom promised she would be supporting me for those first few days, and she now retracts that promise saying it´s all too difficult. \n\nThe same thing everyone else says, the same reason I can´t talk to anyone about what I am going through. The same reason no one has visited me in my recent hospital stays either, it´s all ´too much´ and ´so depressing´ for THEM. \n\nWell people, wtf about me?! I am the one going through all this, and no one thinks about helping me get through. Because it´s too hard on THEM. People = shit apparently Slipknot got it right after all if even your own mom doesn´t pretend anymore.\n\nI don´t expect people to come solve my problems, as they can´t do anything about this. But even a ´hey how are you´ or a card are too much asked.." ], "top_scores": [ 5.805654048919678, 4.87785530090332, 4.773534774780273, 4.761898517608643, 4.524089336395264 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies experiences of interpersonal betrayal, abandonment, or malicious neglect by close associates during times of physical vulnerability.", "pearson_r": 0.30678036211398463, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9117, "freq": 0.007437396228989924, "mean_pos": 2.931525945663452, "max_act": 6.4741291999816895, "log_density": -2.128579022364698, "top_texts": [ "\"Negative supply\"? Narcissistic supply isn't even a term in the scientific literature, and now \"Negative supply\" is a thing? The hell is that? Sounds pretty antithetical to our desperate need to regulate self esteem.", "How do you get yourself to read or self-study when your brain seriously doesn't want to? What strategies have worked for you?\nI find that it's really related to just what state my brain is in at the moment, medicated or not.\n\nIt's a combination of having a lot of important but non urgent things on the to do list and a large amount of alternative things to do.\n\nI want to get better at reading on demand and sticking to it. I also want to get better at self studying, being able to go through online courses or subjects that are dry even when there is no obvious immediate need.\n\nI think simplifying might be the answer but I'd need to simplify things down a lot which would probably negatively affect my productivity.", "Also people who are actively a threat to themselves of others aren't going to just stop and go to a hospital, so yes outer intervention is necessary. \nStarving and overpopulation can't be solved in our lifetime, but we can save people even if they don't want to be.", "Rushing relationships Hi everyone,first post here.\nJust want to know if any of you guys also tend to rush relationships.\nAs soon as i feel that someone have feelings towards me,i feel an urge to take the next step rapidly.I get a feeling that if i gave enough time to the other person they might realize am not worthy of their love.Any advices on how to stop this feeling?", "I mean I do. I don’t really need supply anymore I think. Atleast not like I used to" ], "top_scores": [ 6.4741291999816895, 5.759178638458252, 5.33231782913208, 5.2058610916137695, 5.154999732971191 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of \"narcissistic supply\" and the psychological dynamics of interpersonal validation or regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.18370630468110055, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6031, "freq": 0.007232697250210385, "mean_pos": 2.9939565658569336, "max_act": 8.220398902893066, "log_density": -2.1406996533879092, "top_texts": [ "Is the knife at our throats the entire time, or just at the beginning then when we're walking n stuff it's used as a \"if you run I'll stab you\" type thing?", "I tried using a knife as a kid to do it, didn't work well😭", "I was staring at our knife rack I was staring at our knife rack, but I stopped myself from getting one and hurting myself.\n\nYeah, guess I still have a fight in me to stop that. But I don't know when I could still hold on.", "I endured months and months of all types of abuse, the final time was when he grabbed an iron gym equipment that you attach to the wall and threatened to hit my pregant stomach with it. After all of this, after denying my child, saying he wasnt the father, after taking everything he had from me, i missed an important detail: A witness stood quiet. To this day, I think heavily of this, and I fear that karma will get them both (heavens forbid) through the child. Please.", "In prison, I was housed with two other person, we already had planned to take over the leadership of the gang that had control of our wing. We were making weapon, I got into a fight with one of the guy. I knew I was getting out soon, but I couldn't tell people, so I acted as if I was there until my court date. I was the guy who kept watch for the guard while my cellmate created a weapon out of his bed sheet ( strangulation ). I had won protection from them by giving them drugs." ], "top_scores": [ 8.220398902893066, 6.831779956817627, 6.722698211669922, 6.64758825302124, 5.721109390258789 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the presence of immediate, physical threats or the active contemplation of using weapons for self-harm or violence.", "pearson_r": 0.45295915176654233, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3896, "freq": 0.007619350876793959, "mean_pos": 2.8417415618896484, "max_act": 6.2623090744018555, "log_density": -2.1180819693826063, "top_texts": [ "Why, when and to whom do you express your feelings? I have been doing some experiments with being a bit extra open to my surroundings the last few years..\n\nBut by getting to know new people lately I find myself misjudging my \"expertise\".", "I do my best to stay secular and material to avoid going off the rails, so I deal with it by thinking of my predictions as just a component of the non-vocal hemisphere on the brain making sense of the things around me and cuing me in to its best guess--sort of like when you can't figure out a problem and then, when you're not thinking about it, the answer randomly comes to you. But all it really is is a guess. \n\nYes, it may have proved to be true last night, but have 100% of those predictions been correct in your life? When you haven't listened during urgent moments like these, did the worst you assumed actually happen? \n\nI guess my advice here would be the same as OriginalBlackEye's. Listen to the first thought, or the second, but don't listen to the urgency, because it's not that big a deal. You can always try the other if the first doesn't work out.", "I don't think you give people enough credit for being able to take in multiple sources of information and weigh them up before making a decision or coming to a conclusion on an issue. Most of us are well aware that internet advice comes cheap and fast. I myself have often posted about therapy experiences that were highly distressing and have got replies saying I should look for a new therapist. At the end of the day, I haven't, because it's my decision, and it would have consequences. I'm certainly not going to do that because a stranger on Reddit told me to. You're assuming most people here are naive and easily led. I don't think that's the case.", "suffering olympics \n\nhere is something ive been told for a long time, from friends, family members and straight up strangers.\n\n“i totally know how u feel but i feel worse than you/ am going through worse than you”\n“yea i knew a person like that but theyre doing a lot worse than you”\n\none of my aunt’s friends was talking about losing her daughter and telling me to not lose hope (lost my mom lol) but still managed to sneak in a “but im doing so much worse than you” in there.\n\ni dont get it. i truly dont. to be fair i mostly hear this in my home country, where mental illness is never ever taken seriously. but once two people discuss their traumas there’s a race? \ni hate people :) ", "Talking about how I feel makes me feel worse. Why should I burden people with my problems? I’ve had my parents, friends and significant other tell me I can talk to them about how I feel but it makes me feel worse when I do. I know they say they don’t mind but I feel every time I express myself I just become more and more of a burden for my loved one and eventually they’ll just quit on me and then I’ll really be alone." ], "top_scores": [ 6.2623090744018555, 6.164100646972656, 5.837111949920654, 5.261666774749756, 5.003500461578369 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the meta-cognitive struggle and social anxiety associated with the act of self-disclosure and interpersonal communication.", "pearson_r": -0.06324049416618768, "pred_f1": 0.6153846153846154 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8933, "freq": 0.006800554961675803, "mean_pos": 3.1780993938446045, "max_act": 10.907282829284668, "log_density": -2.1674555812322813, "top_texts": [ "I would suggest rhinoplasty. It's probably not cheap if you're in North America or Europe, but there are many countries in which the procedure is a lot cheaper. I feel the same in many ways, even though my nose isn't like Gerard Depardieu's, and to be honest, it suits him. I don't think it has anything to do with looks, and I think the root cause is mental health issues rather than anything else.\n\nThe thing is, I had a rhinoplasty done. My nose wasn't too bad, and it's not super different now, but it didn't solve anything for me. It looks nicer I guess, but I'm still the same, and I still hate myself. Sometimes I miss my old nose, but the new ones not bad either. I realized after the nose job, that it didn't solve anything for me. I'm a bit less self-conscious about my side profile, but nothing has changed.\n\nNobody really made fun of my nose except my siblings, but then they put me down for everything, so it wasn't anything new. Otherwise, not a single person ever made fun of my nose, ever. I loved my old nose, but I was taught to hate it thanks to siblings. That kind of got me to make changes, but I realized it didn't fix the problem for me. It may make a major difference for you, but I don't know. It all depends on the person.", "I have traveled a bit and it's one of my favorite things to do. As far as logistics go planning in advance is the best way to go. The more things are set up the easier it is. First of all, you need to find the doctor, see if he is reliable, consider risks such as botched surgeries, recovery time, risk of infections, etc, secure the date for the procedure and payment, etc. Once that is taken care of you have to make certain you have your passport, look into visas, COVID travel restrictions, etc. Then you have to purchase the plane ticket, hotel, figure out how long you have to stay, etc. Plan for travel routes, how are you getting there and back. Bus? Taxi? Plan it out. As far as the actual interaction with people I find that I can do anything as long as I have a phone. I can figure out where I'm at, where I want to go, its easy generally to shop and order food. You can use google translate in a pinch. Knowing me, checking on making sure you have cell phone service is vital. \n\nOne final consideration is that let's say the surgery is brilliant and you never have to worry about your nose again, it might do very little in the overall scope of things. It could be just like losing weight. If you went from 225 to 125 the world could treat you differently but inside not much might change. You will still have the same thought patterns and issues. It might help but it will not solve everything. I hope this helps!", "I feel the same about myself, and there's a strong sense of self-hatred. To be honest, I think these feelings are a result of the disorder, and I don't think it represents us as we truly are. It's not to say we don't have flaws, but I'm sure they are exaggerated to us. I'm not against surgery if it makes someone happy. I got rhinoplasty myself, no kidding. My nose wasn't particularly bad, but I guess my siblings making fun of it got to me, even though their noses aren't much different. So I had a procedure done abroad because it is cheaper. It didn't change anything for me though, although I'm a bit less insecure about certain angles, that's about it. Most people didn't even notice the difference, but I guess it depends on an individual case. I wouldn't do it again because I realized it's a problem with my self-esteem rather than anything on the outside. \n\nStill, I'm not against it. Sometimes these things can help, and even a small difference can be a good thing.", "It's sad that they look totally fine before the surgery, but a modeling gig or low self-esteem pushed them to get a nose job. Something goes wrong, and their nose is ruined beyond compare.", "I just hate myself. I can’t stop. I hate how I look especially and I’m really not ugly I just want to look different. I want my boyfriend (of 4 years with kids) to look at me, say I look sexy etc. I think I’m not his type, I think he prefers thick Spanish girl and I’m small and blonde. I feel like he’s with me bc we have kids and he values family and would make it work even if he’s not happy. And it’s torture to feel like he doesn’t find me sexy or gets excited over me. I want to be thick in the right places. I have a kinda big nose and I don’t have pretty juicy lips. I put so much effort into my look and still look like shit. I never look put together no matter how hard I try. I’m just venting and getting my thoughts out. \n\nAnyone had plastic surgery and been happy with the results. What did you have done" ], "top_scores": [ 10.907282829284668, 10.125140190124512, 9.877951622009277, 8.701518058776855, 8.539549827575684 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents body dysmorphia and the psychological preoccupation with cosmetic surgery.", "pearson_r": 0.3661444078645464, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3230, "freq": 0.0060727363704596625, "mean_pos": 3.52093243598938, "max_act": 10.639303207397461, "log_density": -2.2166155005383095, "top_texts": [ "Unhealthy obsession with hair Since November, I have been unhealthily obsessed with my hair. It started one day when I noticed my hair part went down a bit further on the back of my head. Those close to me told me my hair has always parted that way, but convinced myself that I was losing my hair.\n \nSince that day four months ago, I constantly count how many hairs come out of my head. I used to stare in the mirror for an hour a day and just examine my head, but more recently I can't even stand to look in the mirror. Even though I shower, I hate doing it knowing I will see strands come out in the shower. I think I am losing my hair. My boyfriend and family have all said that my hair is fine and I look the same. A hairdresser even examined my hair for hair loss or bald spots and told me she saw none. I am constantly looking at other girls' hair and comparing my hair to theirs. It's all I think about everyday. Even sleep I can't escape, most of my dreams involve clumps of hair coming out and I wake up completely drenched in sweat. Usually I count about 20 or 30 strands in a day. Nothing comes out in clumps, just a strand here or there. \n\nThere are days where I think that all of this is in my head. That I am just anxious about my own life. I have moved three times in the last year, and I find it extremely difficult to be motivated. My boyfriend and I live in NYC now where he is a lawyer, I work in a retail store. I feel like such a loser all the time. I am in school but it will be a bit till I finish. There are days I feel like I won't ever finish. I've quit school before because I just felt I couldn't do it. I've suffered from depression before and was on Zoloft, Ativan, and Ritalin for it. I cut it all off cold turkey a couple of years ago. But then I have bad days where I can't even do anything. I am literally frozen on my couch or in bed, just afraid to face my hair.\n\nMy close circle of friends/boyfriend/mom-in-law have all said I need to get help. I have been to therapists before, they usually help through my depression, but this obsessive behavior towards my hair is new. They all say I need to be on a medication just until I can get over this hump of my hair obsession because it's completely taken over my life. But then I read that anti-depressants/anxiety medications can cause hair loss. That is the last thing I need right now. \n\nI feel hopeless and lost and I feel a bit insane. I don't know what to do.", "Pulling out strands of my hair? I have no idea where to post this but like I pull out strands of my hair because I like to look at and admire the curl pattern and I like how my hair feels so Im always touching it. This cant be trichotillomania because I dont do it to any other parts of my body.", "Is trichotillamania a common thing with adhd I have problems in school with pulling my hair. I have bald spots and I hate it. Is it a common thing", "I dont know if its applicable to girls; but in my case i found the best solution is a fashionable yet easy to dress hairstyle. Find a good hair salon, even an expensive one (10-20$/e more wont make much of a difference if you consider the sanity you will gain from it) and ask for something easy to comb/style. it will stay like that for weeks and you will always looks good (or good enough for our standards). Ofcourse that wont solve the core of the problem. But will help fixate less on your hair and your self image.", "I tried to suicide So I'm a regular teen boy \nI turned 15 last week \nAnd I've done overdosing to suicide and failed I woke up at hospital\nThe reason I tried to suicide is because I'm bald \nYes I'm 15 and bald or balding\nI've had a huge forehead and always had my hair down so my hair looks like Donald Trump's hair\nThen at the age of 12 I started losing hair when I was at shower\nAnd I was afraid and tried to use many anyi hairfall shampoos and oils and none of them worked \nIt's been 3 years since I started hairfall\nNow I have a 9 cm forehead and no hair at the temples\nI grew my hair 10cm and always put it down\nMy classmates always calls me baldy from the age of 13 and no kids would've experienced that kind of trauma\nI fell into depression and tried to suicide many times and failed\nI can't shave my head as I have a big forehead and look like a child molester \nSo I'm writing this here to ask you guys any tips to cope with this as I'm only 15 and bald ;_; \nThanks :) \nHave a nice day" ], "top_scores": [ 10.639303207397461, 9.157865524291992, 9.046249389648438, 8.486747741699219, 8.345783233642578 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents distress, preoccupation, or compulsive behaviors specifically related to hair loss, hair pulling, or hair appearance.", "pearson_r": 0.3940206269320997, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5123, "freq": 0.007437396228989924, "mean_pos": 2.871734380722046, "max_act": 6.253345489501953, "log_density": -2.128579022364698, "top_texts": [ "Yes I've had extreme loneliness and seclusion over the last ten years but not constantly. Some times are easier, some people are easier. For me I have my sister my boss and an old friend to talk to. But that's recent. And only through texting do I communicate.\n\nBeing alone is easier, and when everything else is so overwhelming it is a choice to stay home. ", "However, I still need to figure out my best options. That said, I have a few hundred USD to roll with, as well as a part-time job. I know a shelter that's not awfully far from where I work too. So I have my short-term plan, save for possessions. I'll need to call up some storage units tomorrow to check locations and prices.", "Like many I was living in California, working in a kitchen and making decent money. My living situation fell apart and I ended up couch surfing, living out of a truck and finally I ended up living and working on a farm in the north. Not the first time but... i wanted to share a bit of advice for anybody goig through a hard time. 1. I had co workers and friends offer to let me stay with them and I was too proud to accept.", "Even moreso with a little push from behind. I've also been interviewing and applying for more secondary jobs to supplement my current employment and that seems to be going increasingly well. Thank you so much again everyone who sent food items to me, I'll be sure to pay it forward someday! EDIT 8/10: I received -even more- stuff just a few days ago, some pasta and sauce and then oatmeal too! Thank you so much, mystery redditor!", "What do you think would happen if you invited an individual with mental health issues who had been homeless for many years to move directly from the street into housing? Loyd Pendleton shares how he went from skeptic to believer in the Housing First approach to homelessness -- providing the displaced with short-term assistance to find permanent housing quickly and without conditions -- and how it led to a 91 percent reduction in chronic homelessness over a ten-year period in Utah. " ], "top_scores": [ 6.253345489501953, 5.093825340270996, 4.8214111328125, 4.621779918670654, 4.583104133605957 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the practical navigation of housing instability, homelessness, and financial survival strategies.", "pearson_r": 0.16553629588077554, "pred_f1": 0.16666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6588, "freq": 0.006664088975822776, "mean_pos": 3.193789482116699, "max_act": 7.017193794250488, "log_density": -2.176259147894855, "top_texts": [ "I have fibro, and my Psych believes it is in part due to the constant fight I have going inside of my head, fighting my own impulses, fighting myself. The struggle is so real that it is effecting me physically. Its not necessarily the cause, but it definitely is a factor.", "2 years ago I got sick, from that I ended up with allergic rhinitis. Which has meant for the past 2 years ontop of my fibro symptoms I have had either a blocked or runny nose, sinus pain, ear pain from having liquid stuck in my ear tubes, jaw pain, severaly lowered immune system, constant headaches and so much more", "Fibro has made me bitter and angry and makes me not want to leave the house.", "I know the flu vaccine changes every year depending on the most virulent strains, and due to having asthma, I get it free in my country. I have gotten the flu shot for the last 10 years due to my health, this includes all the years I've had fibro, yet this is the first year it's made my fibro flare, with pain that has lasted nearly 12 hours, at this stage, with no look of giving up, where as all previous years have caused me 3-4hours of pain max, and only in the effected area, its never effected my entire body like this before. Has anyone else had a similar experience this year?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/Fibromyalgia/comments/glyjti/flu_vaccine_effects_making_my_fibro_flare_for_the/", "FDA just approved Spravato (Esketamine) for use with depression. When will it hit the market As the title says, the FDA approved Spravato on 3/5/19. I have been struggling with major depression and have used multiple prescribed drugs with little to no relief. I am willing to try anything at this point and Esketamine seems to be the next big breakthrough.\n\nSo my question is, if anyone here can answer, how long does it take new drugs to hit market after FDA approval?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.017193794250488, 6.940615177154541, 6.762734889984131, 6.7427568435668945, 6.593482971191406 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of chronic physical illness and its impact on mental health or treatment experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.05974957656786917, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2279, "freq": 0.006709577637773785, "mean_pos": 3.1635196208953857, "max_act": 6.69769811630249, "log_density": -2.1733047527126277, "top_texts": [ "Sorry if that came out a bit ranty but my parents also got divorced and they fought over alimony for over a decade, so this brings back memories.", "A bit of a drive, but look up Tranquille Sanatorium in Kamloops! But be warned, there's a lot of security measures in place to catch trespassers. I've been really wanting to go, but I'm not brave enough to risk it, haha.", "Normal doesn't exist but it is so pervasive in our language. I need to start using neurotypical and neurodivergent more.", "We kids suffered greatly during our youth since mum and dad were always at each other's throats and basically had no time to meet our needs other than schooling, food and a roof over our head but no emotional connection. When they finally got divorced the divorce was quick but the court battles after (over alimony) lasted a decade and they spent tens of thousands of dollars (the divorce happened in the US) and they used us as pawns in their battles. They just loved to fight with each other, instead of caring for us.", "Anniversary of my divorce It’s a fucking hard day. I was hospitalized and my ex wife dropped papers on me during admittance. Today I am not feeling suicidal but I did fall back on an old coping mechanism of self harm. I cut my arm probably 30 times. I feel shame looking at it but the pain runs so deep. I can’t get out of bed today. I don’t even love my ex wife but the divorce was enough trauma that it haunts me today. I had a nightmare I got stuck in. I still can’t figure out how to rebuild. I’m truly stuck. Today really sucks and I can’t figure it out. I needed to vent I’m sorry it’s so harsh and difficult to read. I’m not normally this bad but today has pushed all my limits. They say time heals all wounds but these still feel deep. /r/" ], "top_scores": [ 6.69769811630249, 6.595760345458984, 6.454431533813477, 6.223896503448486, 6.212257385253906 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the emotional and psychological impact of parental divorce and childhood family conflict.", "pearson_r": -0.008351040071981546, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4628, "freq": 0.00705074260240635, "mean_pos": 3.005931854248047, "max_act": 6.29782247543335, "log_density": -2.1517650779884954, "top_texts": [ "Yeah, I get that. But getting social interaction is the hard part. We wouldn't be here if we actually could have any. ", "Seems like the long days of winter got a lot of us to finally sign up.", "Also important to consider the gag reflex and performance anxiety. It can be embarrassing to gag during it and if you want to do a good job at it, the pressure can put you off doing it altogether.", "I heard this somewhere before, but it’s better to let the professionals save people because if you aren’t trained, you can get dragged under water with them as the person uses you to get above water", "yeah, the real problem is definitely this growing group of individuals who call themselves life coaches or wellness experts and have no training or experience in therapy techniques. these people are often in the alternative medicine scene and can do MAJOR damage, I've seen it firsthand." ], "top_scores": [ 6.29782247543335, 5.264288902282715, 5.223713397979736, 5.197833061218262, 4.985330104827881 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the risks, limitations, or complexities of seeking external help and interpersonal guidance.", "pearson_r": 0.22420074340397805, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7772, "freq": 0.006413901335092228, "mean_pos": 3.3036742210388184, "max_act": 10.900602340698242, "log_density": -2.192877657387536, "top_texts": [ "Relatable, though I only really like Fall. The other seasons are rather awful :) \n\nThink I would enjoy Summer more if I were happier with my body perhaps? I feel rather disgusting during summer, from increased sweating. I feel I sweat enough when i'm anxious and nervous as it is.\n\nI also think more people expect you to be happy during summer, and it becomes more obvious that i'm not - and that leads to a kind of attention that I really don't want.\n\n", "It’s worse in the summer for me I don’t know what it is but I always feel worse during the late spring and all summer. I’ve always disliked summer and I don’t know why. Winter and autumn feels good, dark and chilly feels good and I don’t even mean in the Halloween kinda way. Spring and summer feels like everything comes alive and it reminds me that I’m not. In the darker months I can hide away behind doors and layers of clothing but in the summer it’s like I can’t anymore and spring is just a slow and steady buildup towards that. It probably traces back to my earlier years of living at home but even though I’m years away from that I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m not supposed to exist during the summer. I’m not supposed to be alive", "Yessss! Same, summer is not good for me mentally. I actually prefer that weird grey slushy time that no one seems to like. After holidays, but before full blown spring ya know. No expectations, not super cold, can wear a hoodie and sweatpants, yeah………", "But i hate what’s after spring….summer😒\nMaybe cause I’ve always been lonely in the summer as a kid and now as an adult I’m stuck inside cause of illnesses and/or insecurities.", "Triggers and such. Pretty much since I can remember from coming into summer and all through the season it sets off my depression and anxiety alot, I'm not sure why but I feel it's due to the days getting longer and I just find that grading on my psychi to the point I just feel I can't deal with this for the rest of my days, I always feel stupid trying to explain this to people since it's just the season and I tend to get weird looks and reactions, which I respect and understand but idk. Flooded with memories of someone i wish didn't leave and still worry about to this day knowing her mental health and worry she's not okay but fixated on this summer thing.\n\nDoes anyone else have any triggers like that though? Just ones that are to natural to avoid?" ], "top_scores": [ 10.900602340698242, 9.606966018676758, 8.850699424743652, 8.846491813659668, 8.372989654541016 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Seasonal affective distress and negative psychological associations with summer.", "pearson_r": 0.5288737991521378, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1688, "freq": 0.00689153228557782, "mean_pos": 3.071340799331665, "max_act": 7.86472225189209, "log_density": -2.1616841418974637, "top_texts": [ "It really helped me recover when I began to think of my body as that of an athlete and not that of a model. For years, I had been compulsively exercising and restricting so I could become thinner and better as a competitive dancer but my performance ironically ended up suffering because I was too weak to do the more physically-taxing and athletic moves.", "Doesn’t make it healthy. Special occasions every once in a while are one thing, but as for bodybuilders and fitness competitions, they have some of the highest rates of disordered eating and body image issues. I caution you against normalizing binge-restrict cycles, as they absolutely suck and are hard to break.", "Se presupponi che il tuo corpo sia sbagliato, e quindi hai bisogno di cambiarlo tramite la chirurgia, stai rinforzando il disturbo. Purtroppo per la disforia facciamo esattamente questo.", "Link between Gender/Body Dysmorphia and BPD? I'll try to not let this turn into a rant because I'm really not doing well tonight but I'm just wondering because it seems like my jumbled sense of self translates in so many ways and it's really crippling and confusing\n\nI'm a boy and I'm comfortable with that but when I hang out with certain people where it feels safe to do so I love doing full glam hair and makeup and being effiminate and every time I do I'm like \"damn this is who I am maybe I was meant to be a girl and thats why I'm confused\" and other people tell me the same but the truth is I don't think I am, but what if I am? Who am I? Then I go through another identity crisis but I still end up going to my usual boy style and I look back and think of how silly those thoughts were and I cringe that I told people about that because I feel a completely different way sometimes.\n\nBody dysmorphia, damn. I can't have one second without thinking how much I hate myself and my body and I take dozens of selfies everyday and study them like I'm studying for a final. I KNOW by body isn't normal, I use my fitness tracker religiously and count my calories burnt and my weight at the end of each day. **Honestly If i put the energy and meltdowns I have about my appearance into something good I would've solved world hunger by now**. I know everyone kinda feels this way and stuff but its past the point of delusion for me, I mirror check every five minutes and put hundreds of dollars into skincare, different outfits, different hairstyles and I still feel so fucking ugly. I don't know how I even tricked someone into actually liking me or being intimate with me.\n\nSorry this definitely turned into a rant but I raised the question if you guys think this might be BPD related? Identity crisis/splitting? Anyone relate?", "How a former model beat dark spirals and body dysmorphic disorder to become an MMA fighter She's an absolute boss, read below!\nhttp://www.scmp.com/sport/hong-kong/article/2141450/modelling-mma-hong-kong-born-ashleigh-martin-breaking-bones-and" ], "top_scores": [ 7.86472225189209, 7.473243713378906, 7.368057727813721, 6.761831760406494, 6.532353401184082 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of body image dissatisfaction, dysmorphia, and disordered eating patterns.", "pearson_r": 0.5040527470974173, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8135, "freq": 0.007164464257283872, "mean_pos": 2.938356399536133, "max_act": 7.390315055847168, "log_density": -2.144816219010875, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone find that their legs and feet are always clenched like in fight or flight mode? I have noticed that even when I’m laying down my leg and feet muscles are seldom relaxed. Clenched seems to be their default state. I don’t know if this has to do with trauma or something else. My legs feel more tired because of this.", "When life won’t let you win Why do I feel like I’m always fighting myself. Why won’t I realize I’m right and just let myself win. Why......", "I won the battle but I fear I wont win the war I have fought a good fight many times. Alas I fear that I will not win this war. I have taken a many breathes but I fear that I may draw my last. With each breathe, each battle, each day I feel the icy hand of depression hold tighter and pull me down just a bit further. Deeper and deeper I go until I fear I will be six feet under. Depression is like a ghost always haunting. Thriving off of every tear and every silent scream for help. I may have won the battle but I know I will lose the war......", "Definitely puts like everyone on high alert. Talk about mental warfare.", "yeah i get that a lot, when you had to fight yourself for a long time its nice to just...be" ], "top_scores": [ 7.390315055847168, 7.35925817489624, 7.18800163269043, 5.959330081939697, 5.6350812911987305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal experience of persistent psychological struggle, conflict, or \"mental warfare.\"", "pearson_r": 0.2615130164079025, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5779, "freq": 0.006550367320945254, "mean_pos": 3.213249683380127, "max_act": 10.184913635253906, "log_density": -2.183734279358321, "top_texts": [ "Specific titles, in no particular order:\n\n* Safe (1995). This movie resonated with me on such a profound quasi-allegorical level I can't even describe as someone with personality disorders, even though nothing in the film is at all directly about that. It's uncannily...accurate?...when viewed through that lens.\n\n* Blue (2001) (Directed by Hiroshi Ando) A subtle masterpiece IMO that is calming and resonant to me for some reason during periods of emotional crisis. One of the better 'tragic adolescent lesbian' films.\n\n* FairyTale: A True Story (1997) Based on the [Cottingley Fairies hoax](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cottingley_Fairies). The coziest movie I've ever seen, and I love it so much because I feel as if the message/'moral' perfectly summarizes how I feel about metaphysics, religion, the inner child, and the kinds of imaginative \"fantasies\" we schizotypals are supposedly especially prone to.\n\n* Olivia (1951) The *best* 'tragic adolescent lesbian' film, in my view. It's hyper-compatible with my sensibilities, tastes, and actual orientation, being a lesbian-themed film with characters who are all exclusively feminine women in a traditional setting for exclusively feminine women, in a way that no other media I've found thus far is.\n\n* Swoon (1992) It's about the aspect I'm most interested in of a true crime case I've long been highly interested in (Leopold & Loeb), but even that aside the way the narrative is presented resonates with me for reasons that very well could be rooted in my pathology. It's riddled with intentional anachronisms and sort of transcends any particular time/era and place (despite being about a case almost always strongly contextualized by decade/era and city, 1920s Chicago), highly subjective and self-consciously yet somehow sincerely distorted, focused exclusively on the relationship between the protagonists and their psyches rather than the 'plot details' or any moral dimensions to the case, feels almost subliminal with recurring dreamlike imagery sequences, disorganized, etc.", "Leonard Lake and Charles Ng are not well known to the average person, but once you start getting deeper into serial killers they start popping up. Unbelievable horror. I just go numb thinking about what those women went through being tortured to death after watching their babies murdered. Once you start reading enough of this though, you become desensitized and keep consuming more. Fun fact: Leonard Lake, Robert Berdella and others (can’t think of anymore off the top of my head) were inspired by John Fowler’s 1963 psychological thriller The Collector. 10/10 would recommend for people who enjoy researching this stuff.", "I miss TCM so much. Those old movies actually helped me cope with my cptsd", "Another good one is Falsettos, its a musical, it has a pro-shot and after I watched it for the first time, I cried a Lot afterwards and was still hurting from it two days later (it hit close to home as a queer person with Sensitive Empathy)", "Westley Allan Dodd, Leonard Lake/Charles Ng, Bittaker&Norris, Robert Berdella, Randy Kraft, William Bonin" ], "top_scores": [ 10.184913635253906, 8.390412330627441, 7.36089563369751, 7.195690631866455, 7.013197422027588 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents an intense, parasocial, or cathartic emotional fixation on dark media, true crime, or fictional narratives as a mechanism for processing personal trauma.", "pearson_r": 0.39743879941868804, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4756, "freq": 0.006982509609479837, "mean_pos": 3.0107791423797607, "max_act": 6.087279319763184, "log_density": -2.1559883957436705, "top_texts": [ "Struggle with what to do during free time When I have free time it doesn’t really matter what I do, it seems to always feel like the wrong thing.\n\nI get overwhelmed at the weekend if I don’t have plans. I end up not doing very much productive at all because I struggle to choose, or I don’t feel credit for what I do manage to do.\n\nI just don’t know what to do with myself when my time isn’t structured. Anyone else got this issue? How do you deal?\n\nI know it would make sense for me to make some sort of plan. I should be doing some household things and also making time for fun. I literally just get overwhelmed and can’t choose though, or I just seem to lose time and suddenly it’s Monday again and I just moped around unhappy for 2 days.", "Hobbies and activities? What are some hobbies and activities that you guys find help with overwhelming boredom?\n\nI usually just work, but because of surgery on my hand I'm out for 2 weeks to a month and I can't find anything to really do.\n", "I have zero preference. Thankfully I don't struggle with tactile sensory issues", "But an answer none the less. I wouldn't question it and just accept it OR ask it again and await the answer and then ask more and more questions, engage whatever it was you \"heard\".", "Ha! I've tried that strategy, it doesn't work. Once we were in a heatwave and I opened by asking \"How are you coping with the heat?\" (because she sees clients in the front room of her house and there is no air-con in there). She just said, \"It's been hot\". Then stared. I can't win!!!" ], "top_scores": [ 6.087279319763184, 5.524293899536133, 5.111544132232666, 4.873184680938721, 4.869986534118652 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the experience of executive dysfunction and difficulty with decision-making or engagement in unstructured time.", "pearson_r": -0.4550681009806583, "pred_f1": 0.2857142857142857 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10069, "freq": 0.0061637136943616805, "mean_pos": 3.405538558959961, "max_act": 9.471572875976562, "log_density": -2.2101574720840573, "top_texts": [ "My fiancé also has DID, and our alters become friends/lovers naturally. It’s really sweet to see people who never thought someone would love them become loved by so many.", "(I’ve also watched many people with DID, are you sure you’re watching the correct ones. Shame, but you don’t need to answer)", "Absolutely, if you think you have mild DID you either just dissociate a lot or you actually have DID.", "But if this is real, you aren’t doing the best job at explaining DID. Maybe have your ex gf explain it if you want to spread awareness, but can’t seem to", "Yeah, the fake DID posters have alters in all their videos too. Great find." ], "top_scores": [ 9.471572875976562, 8.892841339111328, 8.735565185546875, 8.701610565185547, 8.57943058013916 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and the authenticity of its representation.", "pearson_r": 0.6934155122250817, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5868, "freq": 0.00705074260240635, "mean_pos": 2.9749317169189453, "max_act": 6.41986083984375, "log_density": -2.1517650779884954, "top_texts": [ "Yes, but my ideas are much more lowkey. I had a few stressful events coming up in April right before everyone went to stay-at-home mode. I feel like the universe felt my internal struggle and altered reality a bit for me. Like my energy radiated outward and created some type of butterfly effect, manifesting my subtle thoughts and wishes.", "Mine is believing that the \"universe\" is made up of 3 shadow men who work in a room filled with screens and a dashboard with buttons. They have it out for specifically me because I’m aware of their existence and always have been. I can’t say anything without them attempting to destroy me. I can’t acknowledge or ignore them because if I acknowledge them, they’ll say \"you admitted we’re real. How dare you speak to us? We’re gonna ruin your life\" and if I ignore them they’ll go \"you think we’re not real? We’re gonna prove we’re real. How dare you ignore us\".", "I'm sure there are actual conspiracies, but I've never been drawn to them. I more feel like sometimes everything is a conspiracy and designed to communicate or influence me, like the Truman Show but lowkey carried by the gods.", "A constant sense of running out of time to fulfill my purpose in the universe. Unfortunately, what the universe tells me my purpose is shifts over time from, \"save everyone from child abuse\" to \"religious figure\" to \"father multiple children\" to \"save the western hemisphere\". As far as I know I have not accomplished any of these things but one thing I've learned is that you can't trust when the universe says it's talking to you because usually it's something else, and that I have a disorder involving transient psychosis.", "I try not to obsess anymore, but I do get fixated on them and mostly find them amusing. It seems like when they occur for me, they occur in quick succession. Like I'm entering a magical state or something. Just today, I had 3 vivid dreams that all, in some way, ended up being premonitions of various events. Also had wild luck today, so it certainly felt like the universe was smiling at me or something.\n\nBut I think it's more just me entering a state of enhanced pattern recognition. The brain connecting back to previous events even when there's no direct causation and any relation is coincidental. That's what I tell myself, at least. Sometimes, it's hard to deny how bizarre and unlikely that such coincidences could occur." ], "top_scores": [ 6.41986083984375, 6.099699974060059, 6.0220627784729, 5.966856479644775, 5.724466323852539 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures themes of magical thinking, delusions of reference, and perceived cosmic or supernatural significance.", "pearson_r": 0.5868875193613299, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5165, "freq": 0.006709577637773785, "mean_pos": 3.1253654956817627, "max_act": 8.848697662353516, "log_density": -2.1733047527126277, "top_texts": [ "A frequently think about whether of not I was sexually assaulted I've often thing back on it and wonder if this was appropriate. Early last year I went on a date with this girl, things went pretty well. We get back to my place smoke some weed (it was my first time ever doing so) and we hangout. I don't remember why exactly but I mentioned I had alcohol and she encouraged me to have a drink (I think because I was nervous or something) and she didn't partake herself. So i'm a little high and drunk and we start making out things go to the bed room. She tells me she's horny or something along those lines and I expect us to just mess around you know. Well at some point she tells me to close my eyes and I do but to my surprise after a moment to my surprise I realize we aren't just messing around we are having unprotected sex. I'm drunk and it's already started so I keep it up for a few minutes before my erection fails from the alcohol. Then we dated for a bit after that.\n\nI often find myself wondering whether or not I was sexually assaulted. I feel like I would not have agreed to unprotected sex had I been sober especially considering it was our first date but I did enjoy it at the time. We even joked later on in our relationship about how it was sexual assault but like I don't know. I don't know how I should feel about it, should I consider what happened to me sexual assault or does it even matter because it's long past ", "How to deal with the pain of something that should have never happened? I was sexually assaulted by my therapist. It's been a year. It's not the first one sexual assault I've experienced but for whatever reason, this one brought the trauma of other ones so now I react to everything related to them too. \n\nI guess I just need some advice at how this can get easier. I am starting EMDR therapy on Monday so I've got that going for me. ", "How to deal with the pain of something that should have never happened? I was sexually assaulted by my therapist. It's been a year. It's not the first one sexual assault I've experienced but for whatever reason, this one brought the trauma of other ones so now I react to everything related to them too. \n\nI guess I just need some advice at how this can get easier. I am starting EMDR therapy on Monday so I've got that going for me. ", "Was it sexual assault? I went out with a guy and he started touching me inappropriately. He groped my breasts, touched my thigh, sucked on my fingers and forcefully kissed me without consent. During that period, I couldn't speak and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn't register anything and I just ended up being silent until he left. That was when I realized what had happened and I broke down for the next few hours. \n\nIs this considered sexual assault? ", "Sexual assault worsen my depression As the above title have stated, I’ve suffered depression and anxiety for a while now. I’ve shunned everyone out because of this and finally to get out there to meet new people- I did and I thought that he was a nice guy. We texted back and forth, and after few rejections to him asking me out, I finally said yes. I went over to his place and we talked. Few moments later he started groping me. I wanted to leave but I was afraid if I said no and things he might do after. Things escalated and he was inside me and I said “No I can’t do this anymore”. At that point his tone changed and sounded pissed. He continued until I pushed him hard enough and knelt down. He asked me to jerk him off til he came, I reluctantly did it and when we were done, I quickly packed up and left. I felt violated and that my body has betrayed me by submitting. I felt weak. Ever since the sexual encounter, I’ve punished myself by cutting for not standing up for myself and to have allowed it to happen. Words like “I should have not let him touch me/ You got what you deserved” are in my head and guilt has just been eating me up. There’s no way I could tell my parents or anyone.\n\nWhat should I do to overcome this? I don’t want things like that to happen to other women he’s going to encounter in future, at the same time I’m afraid to face him alone again. " ], "top_scores": [ 8.848697662353516, 8.776329040527344, 8.776329040527344, 8.249438285827637, 7.682085037231445 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature detects disclosures and inquiries regarding experiences of sexual assault and trauma.", "pearson_r": 0.6504681270085039, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 435, "freq": 0.007187208588259377, "mean_pos": 2.9149866104125977, "max_act": 10.461021423339844, "log_density": -2.1434396903739, "top_texts": [ "I have no passions in life There's nothing in this world that I don't get sick of. I get sick of food, I get sick of music, I get sick of people, I get sick of the internet... It makes me feel like I don't have any real passions. What *is* a passion, anyways? Is it something you do every single day, something you never get tired of, something you'd rather be doing at any moment in time? Well, in that case, I guess I have no passions, since I have to actively push myself to do anything. \n\n\nMaybe I just convince myself that music or art or engineering or science or history or english is what I love. Obviously that's not true, since my body makes no effort to pursue any of these things. Do I really want to go into certain fields, or do I just think I want to because of my past experiences and my future expectations? Am I just another cog in the machine?", "How do I find my real passion not my people will love me if I do this. How do I find my identity not this face I put on for every random person I meet so they like me Like I meet a person a gauge they’re ideals, oh yeah here are some buzzwords I learned while I talked to other people in the community. I’m the cool chick, everyone doesn’t love me but I think they do because i relate and I’m easy to talk to. The thing is I have been so many people and I had so many visions of myself I don’t know what the fuck I am. Hookups and relationships forget about it, I do what I can to keep them around. We sleep together and then they are my favorite person in the world. Fuck who am I. I want to be me I don’t know who me is though. I feel like a coward be cause I have no ideals I personally stand by. No political ideology, no passions. It’s all a copy of what I think people like. It’s fucking with me so bad right now especially at the age I am right now. Right now tho drugs are my personality, sex is my personality. I gauge my life on how many people want me. I am vain and I want plastic surgery, and change every aspect of my outer self. I don’t care then people will love me. But Is that really me What do I do?? ", "Lack of Passion/Drive (Music) I’ve been nihilistic my entire life and finding something to drive me seems impossible. I used to love music, but after awhile of majoring in it I have become to hate it. It’s hard for me to even listen, let alone play. I’ve been told that having a long term goal will make you feel whole once you’ve reached it, but all the pain and frustration makes it hardly worth it to me. Is there anything that I can do to bring back what is no longer there?", "Talent-less, passion-less, and just emotional.... I'm not sure if I'm actually depressed but I keep feeling so sad and hopeless. I'm 19 year old who is in my 3rd year of community college. It my \"3rd year\" but I'm no where close to finishing even my general ed, and I'm not enrolled in any classes this semester. \n\nI listened to a song recently and that's when I started getting all emotional. The lyrics said \"If my life is a line, with nothing to write, then I'd be no better a white lie.\" At first this gave me a very hopeful feeling. I was thinking: okay! from tomorrow, I totally change. I'll be productive and actually do stuff other than wasting time playing games or watching videos. I don't want to have nothing to write about if my life was a line. But the artist of this song had passion and I don't. He had a passion but couldn't tell his parents what he wanted to do because it's too hard for them already. I just feel like an empty shell. I'm listening to this song because it kind of reminds me to get to my senses and realize reality. That's what I feel at first, but it always comes back to me feeling useless, dumb, talent-less. I tell my parents I'll just stick to becoming an elementary teacher because I have no idea what I wanna do in life still. But I just know that's not what makes my heart beat. I just wish I was passionate about something. If I have no talent, I wish I was passionate about something but I'm not. I'm just a hopeless crybaby. I have too much self doubt and I quit easily for everything that I'm not interested in, which is literally everything so far. \n\nNo motivation, no talent, no passion. I can't stop crying because I feel so lost, useless and hopeless. \n\nWhen everyone says you have plenty of time, you're still so very young...Or it's never too late... It all feels so fake. Time is always ticking. Everything is always changing. But I feel like I'm stuck in my own time...................\n\nI want to have passion so I can have a future goal. I'm just saying the same stuff over and over again.....", "How do you develop an interest in something? How are you passionate about things? I've tried setting scheduals for myself to watch my favorite shows or read certain books or dive into certain subjects. I want to be want one of those people who are super knowledgable about the things they're passionate about but i'm easily bored, have no attention span and idk im stupid??? I try to make friends online becuz i have none in real life but i'm not witty enough to get a lot of followers and nobody interacts with me :(" ], "top_scores": [ 10.461021423339844, 7.061771392822266, 7.049530982971191, 6.783709526062012, 6.371518611907959 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents an existential struggle with anhedonia and the inability to identify personal passions or a sense of purpose.", "pearson_r": 0.26960362887060924, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1825, "freq": 0.006277435349239202, "mean_pos": 3.3223156929016113, "max_act": 10.428415298461914, "log_density": -2.202217682169692, "top_texts": [ "Overwhelmed I have been on Straterra for years and my major side effect is exhaustion. Anybody else have this issue?", "Straterra weight loss Hi. I have just started taking straterra 18mg today. I am experiencing loss of appetite. I know that it takes some time for the side effects to fade away. I will get a higher dose after a week. Is the appetite loss going to persist or is it going to go away?", "Holy shit Strattera is rough boys.... I'm on day 3 and the nausea is almost unbearable. Add onto that headaches, lethargy, backaches, moodiness, and general fuzzy-headedness.\n\nIt gets better, right?", "I just started Strattera. What are some of your experiences starting Strattera? I've never taken any medication for anything in my life, I've generally avoided it at all costs, its just never been a good fit for me. But I'm going back to university this fall semester and I really want to get a grip on this ADHD thing before school starts. I did some research and found Strattera is probably a good fit for me. (I lied, I've actually tried ritalin before and hated it). I'm on 18mg for the first month. I'm curious how other people have responded mentally to the drug. I'm not too interested in physical side effects. I'm curious how it affected your mood, anxiety, stress levels, things like that. And how long it took to really notice. ", "How to deal with Straterra symptoms? I’m currently taking Straterra 80 mg again after having been off medication entirely for a year or two and I notice sometimes I feel like a zombie, along with being irritable at small things and even having a loss of apetite. Is this normal and how do I deal with these symptoms?" ], "top_scores": [ 10.428415298461914, 9.242984771728516, 9.072553634643555, 8.391524314880371, 8.3192777633667 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the side effects and personal experiences of taking the medication Strattera.", "pearson_r": 0.47784346019607776, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5879, "freq": 0.007187208588259377, "mean_pos": 2.8888847827911377, "max_act": 8.591307640075684, "log_density": -2.1434396903739, "top_texts": [ "If you put that together good job, it’s appreciated it would take a lot of digging around to find all of that. I’ve read a lot of it at different times and places. I just had a back and forth with someone who claims to hate Hare and think his research is shit then uses his 2 factor model incorrectly to try and make the case they are a primary psychopath with absolutely no factor two traits. It’s tiring lmao", "Depends on what you mean by ‘real’ psychopaths if you mean the kind that exist on quora that have no actual traits of psychopathy other than supposedly having no feelings than it’s because his work disproves their entire existence and exposes them for the attention seeking goofs they are.\n\nActual. Real psychopaths probably have never heard of him and don’t give a shit about him one way or another, BUT the hare checklist is or atleast was used to help keep convicts that were believed to be high on psychopathic traits in jail which is one of the major criticisms of the PCL-R.", "Honestly, with almost a month of distance, a second opinion, and some painfully honest self-reflection… I have to admit my therapist might not have been entirely wrong.\nFacing that truth felt disgusting at first — it’s hard to look at yourself and realize what’s really going on beneath the surface.\nMy BPD traits are definitely strong, but she clarified again that the core pattern seems more histrionic. So maybe it’s not about one being the first name and the other the middle name of that PD child. Maybe I’ve just got two kids in the house and both need help.\nAnyway, we‘ve moved past the scratch-and-bite phase, made peace, and for the first time in a while, I actually feel like things could get better. Like, actually better.", "When I bought the HE-6's 8 years ago I knew I had reached my end game. \n \nHE-6's were quite a niche headphone in 2015. It has been bliss seeing them get wider recognition and withstanding the test of time against newer headphones. \n \nUnfortunately can't say the same about Audio-gd Master 11. Knowing that it probably isn't that great hurts a little inside. But it was a purchasing decision made with the information and gear available in 2015. Otherwise it fulfilled the role of being the end game perfectly. \n \nI lost the ability to work so I'll never again be able to make purchases of this caliber. It will be absolutely soul crushing when something eventually breaks.", "This, also there is no such thing as a primary psychopath, or high functioning psychopath for that matter. Factor one psychopathy is part of the two factor model Robert Hare originally developed and factor one or “primary psychopathy” is what he saw as the equivalent of NPD and factor 2 or “secondary psychopathy” or sociopathy or whatever buzzword we want to use for it was seen by Hare as being the same as ASPD: So in his eyes and if we are going to use his model then we should use his opinion psychopathy was a combination of these two disorders that made for very specific personality traits. So anyone who is claiming they have or are diagnosed with primary psychopathy is self diagnosed because in a clinical setting they would be diagnosed with NPD if anything \n\nThe internet has this completely all wrong these are two aspects of the same disorder one is interpersonal and one is behavioral. The two combined is what makes a psychopath. Somehow people have created two separate disorders out of this and well they are sort of right. They are NPD and ASDP. Also psychopaths not having any emotions is pretty much more internet bullshit as far as I can tell. I’ve read psychopaths have shallow emotions or a shallow affect but nobody really has NO emotions and such an existence would probably be unbearable\n\nAnother thing when they refer to a lack of empathy it isn’t just a casual indifference they are talking about, that in itself isn’t a diagnosable pathological trait, a lot of people are like that. They are talking about doing and saying shit to people because you don’t care how it makes them feel. If you aren’t taking advantage of people and belittling them for fun then chances are it’s because you care. Even if only alittle bit. That’s how a lack of empathy shows up in a clinical sense. I swear this shit makes me want to smash my own head in with a sledgehammer. It’s fucking annoying as fuck\n\nI’m actually clinically diagnosed with NPD and ASPD which is as close as you can get to being diagnosed with psychopathy outside of a PCL-R score in prison and I don’t claim to have a complete lack of emotions or empathy. I hate most people and would like to bulldoze most of them into the Grand Canyon don’t get me wrong but there are some people I don’t feel this way about. This person isn’t one of them lol" ], "top_scores": [ 8.591307640075684, 7.917788982391357, 5.581830024719238, 5.5556321144104, 5.121255397796631 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the academic or clinical evaluation of psychopathy and the critique of Robert Hare’s two-factor model.", "pearson_r": 0.27204065175622383, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7083, "freq": 0.006186458025337184, "mean_pos": 3.3436756134033203, "max_act": 8.970938682556152, "log_density": -2.208557859183308, "top_texts": [ "Scared to switch from Non stimulant medication to Stimulant, need advice. Hello! so Ive been trying to find an ADHD medication thats right for me for the past 6 months and currently im on 200mg of Budeprion Extended Release but its not doing much for me. Ive been trying to go through the non stimulant medications before I make the decision to switch to the stimulant based ones like Adderall. Im afraid to switch to ones like Adderall because of the side effects like weight loss and so on.\nTo people who are on Adderall or other Stimulant based ADHD medications, do they work better for you than non stimulant based ones and how bad are the side effects for you? \nAny response will be helpful. \nThanks!", "Adhd question How do i tell my doctor that i do not want to take non stimulant medication? And witch to stimulant meds. I so not like the changes with nonstulants ", "Stimulants vs. non-stimulants I have a psychiatry appointment in a week. My therapist and I have spoken about me possibly going back to medication, over the last year I have been in a very intense period of ADHD and anxiety entanglement. I stopped taking medication (pretty sure it was concerta at the time) in high school (I’m a senior in college) and have been apprehensive since because of the side effects (mostly being zombiesh, anxiety, and at the time I was self-conscious about sexual side effects). \n\nI’m really curious as to how non-stimulants are different, specifically strattera I suppose, because I read online and it seems that a lot of the side effects are the same?", "Inattentive adhd Stimulant vs non stimulant drug..what would be better?? Bc of my anxiety I’m already bouncing off the walls and I don’t need to have like more energy...what’s the difference? What type would benefit someone more if they have anxiety AND adhd?? ", "What's the process for switching from stimulant to non-stimulant medication? I currently take 70mg Vyvanse and 10mg 2x daily d-amp. Does switching mean discontinuation of stimulants while you wait up to 6 weeks for the non-stimulants to become effective?" ], "top_scores": [ 8.970938682556152, 8.342316627502441, 8.238746643066406, 8.074649810791016, 7.91027307510376 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the clinical decision-making process regarding the choice between stimulant and non-stimulant ADHD medications.", "pearson_r": 0.656874799674171, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6117, "freq": 0.006504878658994246, "mean_pos": 3.1615488529205322, "max_act": 9.47059154510498, "log_density": -2.186760733524867, "top_texts": [ "Privilege is when doing the same as your parents and grandparents did is something you consider \"carrying on a tradition\" rather than just being trapped in subsistence living and societal oppression. My family's \"tradition\" was day labouring on one side and small-time drug dealing and theft on the other side, with both sides traditionally drinking themselves into early graves.", "* Were you born into generational wealth and are looking for ways to ensure that you never have to work a day in your life? \n* Do you think that you're superior to other humans simply because of the lack of pigmentation in your skin? \n* Do you want to make 'lesser' people than you suffer so that you may enjoy your position over them? ", "I will do my part in applying for scholarships, saving money, working, and finding other avenues to obtain the necessary funds. My Personal Story: I was born in Oaxaca, Mexico and immigrated to the United States when I was a mere 4 months old. My parents left everything behind in Mexico due to the large prevalence of poverty and political corruption present in my home nation. My family would settle down in a town within the Coachella Valley named Chiriaco Summit.", "Privilege is a massive determining factor in how mental illness affects your life. The privilege is that if you come from their background and the police pick you up you go to hospital and any damage you cause gets lawyered away, whereas if you come from my background and the police pick you up you go to jail and get punished instead of treated.", "We had a lot in common and I really liked her. Then I went back to my country for Christmas holidays and I got to see her. It was really amazing and honestly it was way better than we expected. Anyway, she has good grades and she's going to apply to the US (probably the same university as mine or same city). But the problem is she will be there in fall 2019." ], "top_scores": [ 9.47059154510498, 8.434822082519531, 7.80107307434082, 6.432783126831055, 6.202827453613281 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures discourse regarding socioeconomic privilege, systemic inequality, and the intersection of class background with life outcomes.", "pearson_r": 0.36262312884075965, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9149, "freq": 0.006732321968749289, "mean_pos": 3.054550886154175, "max_act": 6.562540054321289, "log_density": -2.1718350578505263, "top_texts": [ "At /u/ThickParticular1 's suggestion, here's a[ link to the EASE scale](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7583892_EASE-scale_Examination_of_Anomalous_Self-Experience) for ipseity disturbance. The free PDF is rather long but it uses language that's more accessible.", "Either you're met with confusion or a mental gymnastics performance. ", "If you want an even deeper rabbit hole look up the concept of self-disorder and take a look at the [EASE](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/7583892_EASE-scale_Examination_of_Anomalous_Self-Experience) (free PDF download).\n\nEdit: If you aren't finding many hits you could also search for \"ipseity disturbance\" which is the same thing.", "TED Talk: The power of misfits / What is your own story in relation to the idea of misfits at work making the most creative changes or ideas possible? You can find the podcast here on YT: https://youtu.be/gJjLdnycuyU\n\n>\tFrustration can fuel creativity: when you’re dissatisfied with the status quo, you become motivated to search for better alternatives. Your rivals actually make you better: if you’re a golfer, playing next to someone who’s better than you improves your performance. When building your network, you shouldn’t go to the most influential organization. You should go to the organization where you can be the most influential.”\n\n**tldr**\nIn a TED talk by Adam Giant he explored the idea that so-called misfits or black sheep can have the most creative ideas and impact in a company for finding solutions. Do you have a story where an idea or possible solution helped in your work place?", "I highly recommend checking out the wiki page on self-disorder, it has a big list of interesting examples." ], "top_scores": [ 6.562540054321289, 6.405722141265869, 6.375827789306641, 5.993600845336914, 5.4024810791015625 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies references to the EASE scale and the clinical concept of self-disorder.", "pearson_r": 0.096111114665879, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9585, "freq": 0.006664088975822776, "mean_pos": 3.079470157623291, "max_act": 6.2412567138671875, "log_density": -2.176259147894855, "top_texts": [ "Could it be interstitial cystitis? I'm sorry for bothering all of you all, its just I'm helpless and hopeless.", "6 ampules. 1ml each \nPervitin \nMethamphetamine HCL \n1ccm/0,015g = 1ml/15mg \nIntramuscular, subcutaneous or slow intravenous injection. \n \nSo 15mg per dose. \n \nI have never before seen pervitin in this form. I am purely guessing here but maybe this was for Luftwaffe pilots? To be administrated on base before flight? Or maybe just party drug for nazi officers.", "I would not recommend seeking an exorcism. As I understand it, an exorcism can make you feel better for a short while through a form of catharsis, but since it doesn't actually address the true underlying problem, you might eventually need another exorcism later and another again until whatever causes the \"demon infestations\" is properly addressed. If it helps, you can view the demons as a symptom rather than the cause. As long as the door is still open to allow the demons in, getting rid of them is only a temporary fix. Does that make sense? Unfortunately, you'll have to figure out for yourself how to close that door. There are many ways to do it, but you have to find the one that works for you. A therapist can help you along the way for as long as it makes sense to you. But you're the only one who can truly fix your problem.", "Lake and Ng used power drills on their victims vaginas, and Randy Kraft liked to remove his victims genitals, in at least one case he inserted the victims severed genitals into their own rectum (while alive). Bad fucking times.", "WTF im PRAYING for you. That woman sounds like a demon sent from hell. Please know that its not ok to treat ANYONE like this. Let alone your own child" ], "top_scores": [ 6.2412567138671875, 6.21570348739624, 6.047779083251953, 5.676387786865234, 5.534548282623291 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures content related to extreme, fringe, or non-clinical external stressors, including historical/violent trivia, supernatural themes, and substance-related technical details.", "pearson_r": 0.44987377761663133, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5844, "freq": 0.006482134328018741, "mean_pos": 3.1647987365722656, "max_act": 8.207773208618164, "log_density": -2.188281906411139, "top_texts": [ "Did you lose your creativity when you started meds for ADHD? I used to write songs (music and lyrics) for about 30 years before being diagnosed with ADHD and starting on meds. Unfortunately, I lost my creative inspiration/enthusiasm when I started on meds. My brain was always seeking something to keep it busy before meds, and for me, it was composing and recording music. Just wondering if anyone else on this sub has experienced the same thing and how they have dealt with it?", "Did you lose your creativity when you started meds for ADHD? I used to write songs (music and lyrics) for about 30 years before being diagnosed with ADHD and starting on meds. Unfortunately, I lost my creative inspiration/enthusiasm when I started on meds. My brain was always seeking something to keep it busy before meds, and for me, it was composing and recording music. Just wondering if anyone else on this sub has experienced the same thing and how they have dealt with it?", "Does medication really wreck your creativity? If i ever take medication like adderal, will my creativity pretty much die?", "The complete opposite actually. Vivid imagination, highly metaphorical and symbolic thinking (to the point where I can almost lose touch with reality). And I am quite creative.", "I'm curious how many of you work in the creative industry? I have a theory / I find that ADD/ADHD is kind of a creative super-power if you learn how to work it right. I've also met so many fellow AD'rs in the creative industry that it can't just be a coincidence. " ], "top_scores": [ 8.207773208618164, 8.207773208618164, 8.150899887084961, 7.962757110595703, 7.7751617431640625 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The relationship between ADHD medication and creative expression.", "pearson_r": 0.140028008402801, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1219, "freq": 0.006118225032410672, "mean_pos": 3.350172758102417, "max_act": 8.84999942779541, "log_density": -2.2133744824321897, "top_texts": [ "Det er skam okay. Jeg har et frivilligt arbejde hvor jeg tager ud og fortæller om min sygdom sådan set. Det er ret meget det samme som jeg gør lige nu.", "Hvad enten det er min alkoholiske mormor der kaster op på sin tallerken og derefter tilbyder at man kan få hendes flæskesværd, den gang min farfar tømte ryggen imens vi sad og spiste eller selvfølgelig den årlige tur til kirkegården for at besøge mor der døde i december.", "I feel that. I wish I didn't either, that was just my crappy experience with it. - I live in New Zealand and its all govt funded here.", "Stupid policies There is a community health place in my county that offers free mental health counseling. It is open from 8 a.m. to 2 p.m. weekdays and is “first come first served.” Since it’s free for the whole community, there’s no appointment/reservation system. Like, if I could get out of the house early enough to get served, I wouldn’t need therapy in the first place.", "Yes, you need sponsorship for a Skilled Worker Visa to work in the NHS. To be honest, you won't get a sponsored job as a clinical psychologist or psycholotherapist in the NHS, especially with US qualifications. You would need a qualification that allows you to register with the HCPC, BACP or UKCP. These are the three main regulatory bodies for therapists in the UK. Getting licensed with overseas qualifications is difficult, if not impossible. Then, if you manage this, getting a job as a psychotherapist in the NHS is HIGHLY competitive. There are psychology grads working in the NHS as minimum wage support workers hoping for a vacancy to come up and get a foot on the ladder. The psychology department where I work is a completely closed shop. You may need to radically adjust your plans/expectations." ], "top_scores": [ 8.84999942779541, 8.600285530090332, 7.459512710571289, 6.869935512542725, 6.733428955078125 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the logistical, systemic, and professional aspects of accessing or navigating mental health care services.", "pearson_r": -0.06721098406848823, "pred_f1": 0.26666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1465, "freq": 0.006959765278504333, "mean_pos": 2.9395592212677, "max_act": 6.5505146980285645, "log_density": -2.1574053445360173, "top_texts": [ "I think that's an awesome idea, thank you so much! I hadn't even considered that. I'll look into it! I'm currently a psychology student, so that could be something that could be easily added, I think.", "Has anyone read Dale Carnegie’s “Stop Worrying and Start Living?” If so, what do you think of it?\n\nI started reading it recently and I honestly think it has some pretty good tips on how to control being worried/obsessive", "Thank you. I've been so out of it since my mom told me, that it's been difficult to make actual plans for what I'm gonna do. But this is a good idea and I'll definitely try to call them in the morning.", "Of course! It's been helpful. It goes through a big variety of specific situations you might find yourself in. It has a chapter on anger, another chapter on other emotions, mood-dependent behavior, etc.", "What I plan to do is after a couple of months, i’ll get off my meds for a month to see how my daydreaming is." ], "top_scores": [ 6.5505146980285645, 5.655104637145996, 5.393876552581787, 5.3443827629089355, 5.2500104904174805 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the proactive seeking or sharing of practical self-help strategies and actionable advice for managing mental well-being.", "pearson_r": -0.07820618870057744, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1359, "freq": 0.007164464257283872, "mean_pos": 2.8406450748443604, "max_act": 6.683189392089844, "log_density": -2.144816219010875, "top_texts": [ "Struggling to function today...need some suggestions Mother with a family. Need ideas of what to make for dinner on the days where you honestly just feel so down you can't. Been having a really hard time lately. \n\nDon't have the cash to eat out so please don't suggest that. Just looking for some ideas for really easy (relatively healthy) idea for a night when I honestly don't even feel like I can get up and do anything. ", "what easy meals do you make for yourself? currently struggling because i feel like i can’t even make a grilled cheese or eggs and i don’t know how to get myself to eat. do you have any easy, go-to meals or snacks (my main issue is the clean up rather than assembly, i get overwhelmed by seeing dirty pots/pans) for when you’re too tired and depressed to cook real food? thanks", "You all saved me. Really. I got plenty of easy to make breakfast stuff so I can make myself a nice hot meal quickly and easily on my crutches, and I’ve got some high protein snacks like nuts, sardines, and turkey jerky to keep me going during the day when I don’t have anyone to help me cook the rice or quinoa I got sent. I’ve got green beans to make green bean casserole, tea and coffee to keep me sane and comfortable while I’m in so much pain. Some people were even kind enough to purchase an Uber giftcard to help me get to doctor’s appointments since I can’t use the public transit until I’m in a walking boot or have a wheelchair (wheelchair should be in a couple of days!)", "I’m looking for work, mostly online jobs since I don’t have a car, but have also been applying for in person jobs and remote jobs, so I would need a phone for them to contact me. Would anyone be able to help me out? I can pay it back once I’ve got income again, and I can forward the confirmation to you to prove that it was paid. Or even if someone would be able to get me a cheap phone with some minutes on it, that would work too. Thank you for considering.", "Already borrowed what I can from family and friends, living on my own, and rather exhausted that. I'd rather not share my specific adress in public, so PM if you want to help. Got no preferences, but a kebab or pizza with varied stuff in it would be great for nutrition. Hate asking for this, but I'm at a low point and getting rather desperate. If ordering isn't the thing for you, a small amount of money to buy something cheap at the store is just as good." ], "top_scores": [ 6.683189392089844, 5.464433193206787, 5.191283702850342, 4.987039089202881, 4.81869649887085 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of executive dysfunction and immediate, practical resource scarcity.", "pearson_r": 0.4196273144905306, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 923, "freq": 0.006959765278504333, "mean_pos": 2.9179468154907227, "max_act": 6.500452518463135, "log_density": -2.1574053445360173, "top_texts": [ "I managed to burn an empty pot. I pulled a pot out of the cupboard above the stove, set it down on the stove, grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge, set aside 4 eggs to boil, put the carton back in the fridge, turned on the stove, then walked back to my desk while I wait for the water to heat up.\n\nA couple minutes later I notice an odd smell, look over, and *oh shit that's a lot of smoke.* I rush over, grab the pot, lift it off the burner and nearly smack myself in the face with it because... huh, shouldn't the pot be heavier?\n\nOh. \n\n>!I forgot the fucking water.!<", "I managed to burn an empty pot. I pulled a pot out of the cupboard above the stove, set it down on the stove, grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge, set aside 4 eggs to boil, put the carton back in the fridge, turned on the stove, then walked back to my desk while I wait for the water to heat up.\n\nA couple minutes later I notice an odd smell, look over, and *oh shit that's a lot of smoke.* I rush over, grab the pot, lift it off the burner and nearly smack myself in the face with it because... huh, shouldn't the pot be heavier?\n\nOh. \n\n>!I forgot the fucking water.!<", "(Edit: sorry if this is very word-salad-esk and difficult to follow, this is one of the only times I’ve ever spoken about this, and the first time writing the entire thing down. It’s long, but it includes every detail that les to what happened. I would really appreciate anyone who wants to avoid any abuse or is going through abuse of an employer to learn from my mistakes, and be smarter and stronger than I was.) I had gotten my first retail job at a very popular hunting and fishing retail chain-store. I had been given the idea to work there by my boyfriend at the time.", "That's fascinating that the follow-up paper was about you - that same case report was something that I had been looking at during the early stages of work with my first psychologist.", "Often, it isn't until they discuss the case in supervision, that the supervisor will point out that this might be happening. That's *why* they have supervision. My sister is a psychologist and told me about this phenomenon." ], "top_scores": [ 6.500452518463135, 6.500452518463135, 5.791472911834717, 5.771878242492676, 5.694525241851807 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive process of recounting specific, detailed procedural sequences or clinical case studies.", "pearson_r": 0.09862606543694222, "pred_f1": 0.375 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6172, "freq": 0.006504878658994246, "mean_pos": 3.092045307159424, "max_act": 6.857959747314453, "log_density": -2.186760733524867, "top_texts": [ "But that part isn't really the main focus. It's not about him moving on, it's about you being given the opportunity to do yourself. ", "Go to a nice temple, sit quietly and thank God for everything, smile at people, wear a nice outfit, take myself out for lunch.", "Gen X gets left out of the conversation _again_. It's cool. You guys do your thing. We'll just ...go latchkey...something. Whatever.", "The thing is I wouldn't worry about what comes after this life so much that it keeps you from living your life.", "We wish to teach such kids and train their family members skills so that they can also afford to take a house on rent. Since it's inception, FreePathshala has conducted many events, classes thereby helping many lives to survive, grow and keep smiling. FreePathshala has established education centres for children, in the age groups of 5-13 years. Freepathshala currently has 60+ kids studying at sector 46 & 51 Gurgaon. The facilities set up at FreePathshala site in Sec 51, Sec 46 Gurgaon will support the education and development needs of children coming from neighbouring labour camps." ], "top_scores": [ 6.857959747314453, 6.165797233581543, 6.101452350616455, 6.096375942230225, 5.523963451385498 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a focus on self-improvement, personal agency, and proactive life-affirming actions.", "pearson_r": 0.0521128713263401, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3694, "freq": 0.006777810630700298, "mean_pos": 2.9592103958129883, "max_act": 5.72974967956543, "log_density": -2.168910505266155, "top_texts": [ "TW I’m really triggered by people praising Kobe Bryant all day today. So many people I know personally have talked about how he inspired them and how great of a person he was, and it makes me want to throw up. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t felt this bad in a while.", "For me, Figure Skating. I’m still a beginner but stepping on the ice feels like breathing sometimes.", "I mean, I don't know what my greatest fear is, so sure, I'd take the million dollars cause itd be interesting to find out what it is", "I think now she feels some of responsibility to help those in need and she gets a lot of gratification from these people who are very thankful to her. On occasion when we go out, we have been approached by these people and I can tell they are very grateful to her. We were at Starbucks while she's studying and the husband/wife she helped offered to buy her coffee, etc ... Lastly, her other dream is to get a house in this very rich neighborhood with houses that cost $2M at the very least. Anyways, enough with the bad, now the good things about her. She is a very loving person which is proven by the fact that everyone loves her at work.", "Felt motivated to write a story today, sat down for hours and typed away I wonder where all the inspiration and energy came from. Maybe the rivotril and a few CBD Joints I've smoked. Now I'm stuck. I need a good ending, cause how can a man who has the ultimate gift find out when the right moment for using it is..? Maybe I should just sleep on it. But I'm happy, haven't been so motivated for writing in a half year or so. Too bad it's a story about a man who finds a blue glittering ball which follows him around giving him special abilities, he denies to use on the wrong things. Turns out people demands miracles to be shared. But how can he keep his high morals if no vision is shown? How can he know if his actions are just?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.72974967956543, 5.424038410186768, 5.13832950592041, 5.025474548339844, 4.911944389343262 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of sudden, intense emotional or creative inspiration and the subsequent search for meaning or expression.", "pearson_r": 0.4340978077936681, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2664, "freq": 0.006959765278504333, "mean_pos": 2.88057017326355, "max_act": 6.596860885620117, "log_density": -2.1574053445360173, "top_texts": [ "Det er lige dele hul i hovedet og dyb privilegieblindhed. Det er til at få ondt i maven af.", "And btw, your example is wrong because it doesnt take into account the gaslighting that you are employing right now. Which is the core of the issue, implying that i could be something without realizing.", "This is so wrong, I don't even know where to start. ", "I mean, gaslighting is inherently bad;; I'd call this more like spiteful self confidence lmao", "He does not have a degree in psychology. This is an indisputable fact" ], "top_scores": [ 6.596860885620117, 6.402935028076172, 6.086716651916504, 5.646037578582764, 5.440816879272461 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects interpersonal conflict, argumentative discourse, and the identification of logical fallacies or manipulative behavior.", "pearson_r": 0.04815589217368466, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1702, "freq": 0.0070052539404553416, "mean_pos": 2.8613274097442627, "max_act": 6.455056667327881, "log_density": -2.154576054922353, "top_texts": [ "I'm a psychiatrist. Suits me perfectly. Listening to other people share their deepest and darkest stuff, being able to explore their psyche all while remaining completely neutral and private myself. None of my patients are allowed to know more than the basic facts about me but I get to know everything about them. And send them home after 30 minutes. Best relationship ever.", "Informed consent is everything in medicine, yet in psychiatry it doesn't exist nearly to the same extent. I never even have been told by shrinks psych meds give you withdrawals. I found that one out on YouTube this year", "I got a psychiatrist easy by putting myself into a psych ward and they assigned me one for outpatient when I was released. Literally no waiting.", "Tastee being framed and kept in prison, Pensatucky killing herself(and then showing she passed the test), Dayanara going from a nice sweet person to an absolute menace, Lorna completely losing it, Maritza getting deported, literally all of the characters end up having horrible endings except Piper. None of that was needed. Like the realism stopped when they were selling used panties out of prison and Piper grew a backbone.", "I am a psychiatrist from Australia on a SWV working in the NHS. I wanted to continue seeing private psychiatry patients in Australia over Skype on a Saturday morning, through my Australian sole trader business and was told that this would breach my visa conditions." ], "top_scores": [ 6.455056667327881, 5.714348793029785, 5.295597076416016, 5.151354789733887, 5.086069107055664 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the professional practice, systemic critique, and institutional experience of psychiatry.", "pearson_r": 0.8361623498796444, "pred_f1": 0.9090909090909091 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1144, "freq": 0.005959014715582141, "mean_pos": 3.363085985183716, "max_act": 8.660354614257812, "log_density": -2.2248254692183407, "top_texts": [ "No I just journal after sessions. I don't write the sessions down like evidence (which I did have to do with my ex-husband). I find it useful just to refer back to, especially some of the kind and supportive things my therapist has said. I trusted her completely up until this point, which is why I am so devastated.", "Journaling after interactions where I was assertive worked too! That way I got to celebrate small steps ❤️ you've got this!", "I’m sorry that happened to you, my mom did the same thing and looked in my journal when I was 8 or 9. And then when I was 16 I accidentally left a journal at an old friends house and she never gave it back even though I asked multiple times. There was really personal stuff in that one. These instances really tarnished my creativity with art and journaling. Im also the youngest child and I totally relate to how you said you always felt like you’re not taken seriously..Im 24 now and just recently started journaling again. Now I regret not journaling for so long. I would say just keep at it, don’t let them stop you from letting your thoughts out. Write about how much that hurt you. If they don’t take you seriously, don’t let it stop you from taking your mental health seriously. Keeping track of mental health is an admirable thing that more people should do honestly.", "But for other ways I say music and making a junk journal. A journal you can just rip up, burn, scribble in, write, cry into. I have one, and it helps sometimes.", "Personally i started writing a journal where i list things i consider progress, it makes me reprocess things in a positive light and put into \"physical\" form good things that happened to me." ], "top_scores": [ 8.660354614257812, 8.585927963256836, 8.106032371520996, 7.866436958312988, 7.633982181549072 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The use of journaling as a therapeutic tool for emotional processing, reflection, and self-regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.5023988099024612, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8956, "freq": 0.006982509609479837, "mean_pos": 2.8640236854553223, "max_act": 5.926336288452148, "log_density": -2.1559883957436705, "top_texts": [ "To properly answer your question, I have an \"ends justify the means\" outlook on life, so I personally think violence (and even murder) are acceptable methods in certain scenarios. However, I *do* think that they should only be used as a last resort, or if there is no better option readily available.", "If anyone says anything mean, or too truthful, it is a good opportunity to try handling the negativity. The beauty of the internet is that you can always ignore/block what you can't handle. And that's alright.", "This battle has been in the making for years. It is now that the tension, the desperation for a resolution comes to a head. It is in this moment that I declare that there will be violence between me and I until one of us lay upon the ground in defeat. I will no longer accept the status quo that exists. An existence that is questionable “mediocre” at best, for with all my highs come so many lows.", "I'm OK with confrontation only when I'm certain I'm right and it's something I feel deeply about. Otherwise the avoidance wins.", "100% agree with you. Sometimes I'm like, “just let her die!”" ], "top_scores": [ 5.926336288452148, 5.861150741577148, 5.505129337310791, 5.469254016876221, 5.3528642654418945 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of violent ideation, aggressive impulses, or the justification of harm toward oneself or others.", "pearson_r": -0.08907294319699266, "pred_f1": 0.2857142857142857 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5898, "freq": 0.006595855982896263, "mean_pos": 3.0306100845336914, "max_act": 6.896310806274414, "log_density": -2.180728769675843, "top_texts": [ "Was it sexual assault? I went out with a guy and he started touching me inappropriately. He groped my breasts, touched my thigh, sucked on my fingers and forcefully kissed me without consent. During that period, I couldn't speak and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn't register anything and I just ended up being silent until he left. That was when I realized what had happened and I broke down for the next few hours. \n\nIs this considered sexual assault? ", "That's not just harassment, it's sexual assault because it is unconsensual, sexual touching. I'm sorry, friend, I hope you can heal from your experience and I want you to know that you're not alone 💌", "A frequently think about whether of not I was sexually assaulted I've often thing back on it and wonder if this was appropriate. Early last year I went on a date with this girl, things went pretty well. We get back to my place smoke some weed (it was my first time ever doing so) and we hangout. I don't remember why exactly but I mentioned I had alcohol and she encouraged me to have a drink (I think because I was nervous or something) and she didn't partake herself. So i'm a little high and drunk and we start making out things go to the bed room. She tells me she's horny or something along those lines and I expect us to just mess around you know. Well at some point she tells me to close my eyes and I do but to my surprise after a moment to my surprise I realize we aren't just messing around we are having unprotected sex. I'm drunk and it's already started so I keep it up for a few minutes before my erection fails from the alcohol. Then we dated for a bit after that.\n\nI often find myself wondering whether or not I was sexually assaulted. I feel like I would not have agreed to unprotected sex had I been sober especially considering it was our first date but I did enjoy it at the time. We even joked later on in our relationship about how it was sexual assault but like I don't know. I don't know how I should feel about it, should I consider what happened to me sexual assault or does it even matter because it's long past ", "Hearing your doorbell ring: 1, 6 if the person rings it again \nHearing your phone ring: 3, I let unknown numbers go to voicemail \nGetting a text notification: 0 \nRunning into someone you know in public: 4 if I'm expecting it, 7 if it's unexpected, 10 if I'm with someone else I know as it happens \nTime spent with your immediate family: 5, 10 if my tolerance has been exceeded \nPublic speaking: 1 if I have time to prepare, 7 if I've got to wing it \nBeing alone in a crowd: 0 \nBeing at a party: 2, goes down to 0 after a drink or three", "I just posted my whole story but it's literally too long for anyone to actually read. I mainly want to know if this would be considered rape: MOST RECENT ABUSE: I worked 7 days in a row and finally had one night off on a Friday. I expressed I wanted to spend it with him, but since I went out the night before he was determined to go out with his friends that night. I guess that also comes with ignoring me all night." ], "top_scores": [ 6.896310806274414, 6.824900150299072, 6.50255823135376, 6.375557899475098, 6.373584270477295 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies experiences and inquiries related to sexual assault and non-consensual sexual contact.", "pearson_r": 0.21911495530055372, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4247, "freq": 0.006391157004116724, "mean_pos": 3.126973867416382, "max_act": 7.225713729858398, "log_density": -2.1944204455608514, "top_texts": [ "You can read the full terms and instructions here: ​ These mini grants are not intended to only be awarded to scientists or policy majors: we want to receive applications from people who are artists, community organizers, you name it. Awards will be reviewed as they come in; no waiting until March (in case that's a concern).", "Lobotomy for everybody. 12 year old has depression? Lobotomy. 20 000 people got lobotomy in very short time span in the US. \n \nLast lobotomy in Finland was done in 1975... Beware of doctors. Some of them are sociopaths with god complex.", "Anyone else really worried about privacy? I've recently switched my computer from running Windows to running GNU/Linux and have started mostly using the Tor Browser.", "I have done a project in uni that will most likely be used in the defense industry and I feel awful. Just the thought of it sickens me. While I was working it was fun actually, the opportunity was great. Was working in a group of really bright people and never thought about it. The system itself is not dangerous, but it is used as an energy source for armored vehicles and tanks. After a couple of years I just felt awful, was always a peaceful person and having worked on something like this really made me unhappy. I just had to write it somewhere.", "Did you make a planner to share??? About a month or 2 ago, Someone shared a planner they had made in this community. I can't find it and would like to see it. Anyone?? Anyone??" ], "top_scores": [ 7.225713729858398, 6.764416694641113, 6.721170425415039, 5.550962924957275, 5.544522285461426 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a focus on systemic, institutional, or societal critique and externalized concerns.", "pearson_r": 0.26408415859870876, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9006, "freq": 0.006732321968749289, "mean_pos": 2.9637084007263184, "max_act": 7.484908103942871, "log_density": -2.1718350578505263, "top_texts": [ "The voice in my head before Jan 2021, \"I am the greatest voice this country has ever had. Frankly, all the other voices don't have what it takes. All the big voices, all the important voices, they say you are the best voice of them all. Everybody agrees.\"\n\nThe voice in my head after Jan 2021, \"I got hairy legs that turn blond in the sun -\"\n\nIn all seriousness though I've only had God as far as important figures go, and a few that narrate and/or argue with each other depending on the day.\n\nEdit: And a little bit of Satan in there early on. I was raised religious so it doesn't surprise me.", "Does all of us include the unnamed alter themselves?\nAlso, how about Chief?", "Started with inner, eventually became outer. I still get both.\n\nEdit: for example, God is external, narrator is internal. The rest go back and forth.", "Each one has a little different character for me. There are voices that argue with each other which used to be very common but they died down since medication. \"God\" was a frequent one and he would just spout scripture from a religion I'm trying to free my mind from - this was the second most common but the phrases were short and meaningless. The most pervasive and treatment resistant is a narrator who tells me my thoughts, what I see, and what I do. It has no personality or character and is with me 24/7", "Does anyone in here have a favourite Book or TV show? I know this is not what is usually posted here but I've decided to try my best to not be so introspective all the time and thought I might try to start a 'regular' conversation. My favourite TV show is/was top gear/the grand tour, and my favourite book is (don't laugh) paper towns. what about you?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.484908103942871, 7.361607074737549, 5.794862747192383, 5.164851188659668, 4.981943607330322 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of internal auditory hallucinations, voices, or dissociative identity phenomena.", "pearson_r": 0.29914769028835686, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7281, "freq": 0.006186458025337184, "mean_pos": 3.22430682182312, "max_act": 9.49609375, "log_density": -2.208557859183308, "top_texts": [ "Right, but the number of neurodivergent people who refuse to attempt to cope with societal expectations is the outlier. Most neurodivergent people learn to manage their symptoms and deal with life.", "All of my family and favourite people are neurodiverse, and i don't care if they know, like the first time i met a neurotypical was at the army, and it was the first time i actually got hate for being nd...", "NTs with trauma aren't NT, the correct word would be neurodivergent/neurodiverse if you don't know their disorder. :)", "Neurotypical is a neutral medical term to describe anyone who is not affected by mental illness. This in itself is fact, it is not “made up”, it is a literal medical term. Your commentary is not wanted or needed for this vent post that many people agreed with. Goodbye!", "Normal doesn't exist but it is so pervasive in our language. I need to start using neurotypical and neurodivergent more." ], "top_scores": [ 9.49609375, 8.648950576782227, 8.62228012084961, 8.150477409362793, 8.038414001464844 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discourse surrounding the classification and social identity of neurodivergence versus neurotypicality.", "pearson_r": 0.5967264196334298, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6658, "freq": 0.007187208588259377, "mean_pos": 2.774399757385254, "max_act": 5.694273948669434, "log_density": -2.1434396903739, "top_texts": [ "Catatonic schizophrenia Hello, I am looking for some info on this and would highly appreciate any stories, or insight into what this is like to deal with and also what happens during the episode", "We absolutely do but I'm not sure what my lesson is. Maybe it's that sometimes you have to let go. What's something you learned about yourself?", "Adderall time to take Hello, the doctor prescribed Adderall, i don't know when i have to take it in the morning. Before or after breakfast? Or during the breakfast? Which food? \n\nI took it yesterday, i felt dizzy :(. My appointment with the doctor is next week.", "I'm frustrated with people assuming I know what they're talking about I'll use a work example:\nMy manager approaches me and starts telling me that I'll be working on a new project, when to start it, why I'm doing it, who to ask for additional files, etc... But he never tells me what the assignment IS before walking away.\nAm I making changes? Am I doing an entire rework/redesign? Am I changing template styles? I don't know!!! Then when I ask, I feel like an idiot for not just KNOWING that they wanted x, y, and z done. I can't mentally shift gears if I have no idea why I'm looking at what I'm looking at.\n\nI've noticed that people do this a lot. \nMy mom will out of the blue say \"so hows the new paper working out?\"\nWhat paper? Notebook paper? Packing slips? Printer paper?\nNo, no. Toilet paper. Clearly. \nMeanwhile, I just stand there and can feel my brain loading in all references of \"paper\" and my last interaction with each. \n\nWhy can't people just be clear in what they say?", "Do you all ever get omens, messages, ideas of reference, whatever you want to call them, where you know there's something there but it's just not clear what it means?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.694273948669434, 5.62265157699585, 5.041126251220703, 4.9384379386901855, 4.672112464904785 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a state of cognitive uncertainty or a search for clarity regarding personal experiences, symptoms, or instructions.", "pearson_r": -0.015631954252801675, "pred_f1": 0.56 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2206, "freq": 0.0069142766165533245, "mean_pos": 2.869546890258789, "max_act": 5.989847660064697, "log_density": -2.160253186998313, "top_texts": [ "Yeah, I relate 100%. Trying to fit in feels like being a wolf in a suit of a sheep around other sheeps. Though I'm afraid these sheeps have sharp teeth ready to bite anyone standing out.\nIt's easier being around older people, they assume I'm just very calm and quiet.\nThough sometimes I might even blend too much cause people are like \"hey, where's Murdoch?\" while I'm standing next or behind them.", "How do you cope with multiple people talking loudly all at once while trying to talk to you? I'm at work trying not to have a panic attack. I walked in and my co workers are talking really loud and trying to talk to me about random stuff that I don't care about. When they arent talking to me they are basically yelling when they are right next to each other. Im trying to stay calm, but to the point I may have a panic attack. Does anyone have any tips that may help? I dont know if this is adhd related.", "Cameras everywhere.\nPeople talking about me in public that definitely don’t even know me.\nMirrors move, though that’s more of a legit hallucination", "Just curious I was wondering if anyone else out there has run into a similar situation.\n\nSo I was buying lunch today from panda express and the girl who assisted me was wearing really pretty makeup and it was clear she put alot of effort into it. Since I thought she did a good job I decided to tell her and I said \"your makeup looks really good\" she smiled and said thank you.\n\nAfter I left all of a sudden I felt like a creep like I might have made her uncomfortable at her work. I felt super terrible about it and have been beating myself up for it. \n\nShe didn't seem creeped out but in the back of my head I keep thinking I'm going to be the next story to her friends about \"this creepy guy who came onto me at work.\" \n\nI truly hope she didn't feel that way. I just wanted her to know she seems awesome. \n\nAnyone else run into something like this?", "Does anyone else feel like even though they do have friends.. at the same time they feel like they dont? Its like i feel like im in this bubble and everyone around me has things in common and enjoys eachothers company, and im just... there.\n\nIm in a room full of people yet i feel so fucking lonely. I feel like no one wants me there, no one likes me, there not really my friends they just feel pity for me.\n\nI dont know why i feel like this, but lets just say it feels so shit and its why i eat lunch in the bathrooms by myself in school." ], "top_scores": [ 5.989847660064697, 5.515103816986084, 5.288330078125, 5.2787580490112305, 5.20736026763916 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures feelings of social alienation, hyper-vigilance, and the perception of being an outsider or observed by others in social environments.", "pearson_r": 0.2860492243430065, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2413, "freq": 0.007027998271430846, "mean_pos": 2.820021629333496, "max_act": 7.146419048309326, "log_density": -2.153168292198595, "top_texts": [ "I totally understand you. This negative loop/spiral is just awful. Feel bad - eat - feel more bad - eat - feel worse - eat.", "Man kan sagtens blive psykologisk afhængig, ligesom man kan blive af sex, træning og gambling.", "Does anyone else find that their chronic pain spirals everything? Context: I've had (difficult to treat/non-responsive) chronic pain since I was 11 years old due to an accident, and it's only worsened over the last 8 years. I find that the pain aggrevates how I feel emotionally, with each egging on the other on in a perpetual cycle emotional and physical misery. Does anyone else struggle with this, or find that this is the case?\n\n\nIt's made me so fucking tired of life.", "It’s back I can’t do this anymore. It’s so exhausting climbing out of a hole and before you know ot, you’ve lost it again. ", "The reason I'm behind on my credit card is because 1) im very poor. I've never lived above the US poverty line in my entire life. 2) I can't keep a job for shit because I have a severe mental disorder. I genuinely try but eventually it turns to self harming and I can't keep going. I'm in therapy. But it simply has not helped me. 3) I'm already at that point. My post literally says the card is being charged off. The only way to prevent that is calling and asking them to allow me to pay less than the minimum they're asking for. Which is 300 dollars. That's a lot of money. I'm living rn in the house of a relative who passed away earlier this year. The house is being foreclosed on and I will need to leave fairly soon. I can't put 300 towards a credit card. That's taking a chunk out of the money I have saved for an apartment. If I do that it sets me back and puts me at risk of becoming literally homeless with no where to even sleep. I'm aware it's not an ideal situation. But the credit card simply cannot be my first priority right now." ], "top_scores": [ 7.146419048309326, 5.872331142425537, 5.4984025955200195, 4.889709949493408, 4.599404811859131 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of being trapped in a self-perpetuating cycle of emotional or behavioral deterioration.", "pearson_r": 0.7679034519061441, "pred_f1": 0.8695652173913043 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 647, "freq": 0.005890781722655628, "mean_pos": 3.353238582611084, "max_act": 9.598043441772461, "log_density": -2.2298269956126617, "top_texts": [ "Hmmm Thinking about going and getting a gun license and then buying a gun...", "But part of me fears that coming back out there I'll find a suicide. He's talked about it a lot and has plenty of guns. I had to take his Kimber .45 Raptor and Kimber .380 yesterday so I didn't have to worry about him shooting the dog. But they were just left o the counter cause I'm no thief. I just... Don't know what to do y'all....", "I get it, people collect guns as a hobby, this is america. When I saw it I immediately panicked because when I was with one of my abusive exes he bought an AR-15 really close to the end of our relationship and would do things like take it apart and put it back together over and over again in front of me and keep it loaded in our bed and I’ve been terrified of guns of all kinds ever since. I can’t even use a staple gun. This new guy and I just talking and haven’t decided to go on a date yet but it might go that way. Is this something that I’m panicking about because of my past or should I really be concerned?", "I dont think i can trust myself with a gun again Ive been thinking about suicide for the past 12 years (24 years old). For the most part Ive come to the idea that it doesnt really matter if i kill myself or not, so ive always just... not. The last couple weeks have been worse, 80 work weeks are getting to me. \n\nI usually think about suicide daily, monotonous job leaves alot of time to think. But today i had like, microdecisions to just do it immediately. \n\nFor a moment i literally was looking for anything nearby would be quick, 100% determined in that second.\n\nIt went away, but i know for a fact what id have done with a gun on me. \n\nI use to go practice shooting in the past, and have some of my grandfathers old ww2 weapons at home. \n\nI think i need to get rid of them. I may still decide to do it, but i want it to be a rational decision, not an impulse.", "Unless you have been hospitalized against your will and or have a felony conviction or domestic violence charges you can own firearms. I’m not aware of any laws in the US anyway that exclude you if you have a mental health diagnosis. Whether or not it is a good idea is a completely different question" ], "top_scores": [ 9.598043441772461, 9.41817569732666, 9.282157897949219, 8.691792488098145, 8.434589385986328 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of mental health struggles with the presence, accessibility, or potential use of firearms.", "pearson_r": 0.5989475689066991, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4411, "freq": 0.006436645666067733, "mean_pos": 3.048959255218506, "max_act": 9.323566436767578, "log_density": -2.19134033042187, "top_texts": [ "I don’t tend to seek supply from specific individuals. Rather, I seek supply in my achievements, my looks, etc. Things like getting a high grade or being seen as intelligent, and receiving compliments and attention on my appearance/style. I just try to be the most impressive version of myself, and I let everything speak for itself. People are obnoxious when they’re overtly arrogant, so I know I can’t go around expecting supply because I‘m special (even though I believe I am).", "How do I avoid new supply? That has to include everything. I don't even know how to tell if it's a situation where I'm just seeking supply or interacting in an acceptable manner.", "I'm not sure if that would count as supply unless you feel a sort of high doing it. It is unhealthy though. If it's supply you need, I recommend finding it in one-to-one interactions with someone. And you can't really find someone \"on her level\" before you let her go.", "I mean I do. I don’t really need supply anymore I think. Atleast not like I used to", "Upon further review, I know for sure I have supply. Isn't this conversation just supply for me? Through this chat you have supplied me with life! *evil laugh*" ], "top_scores": [ 9.323566436767578, 8.30361557006836, 8.150298118591309, 8.08420467376709, 6.905380725860596 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the concept of \"narcissistic supply\" or the seeking of external validation and attention to regulate self-worth.", "pearson_r": 0.12875825833668408, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3945, "freq": 0.006686833306798281, "mean_pos": 2.9311277866363525, "max_act": 7.064965724945068, "log_density": -2.1747794380584717, "top_texts": [ "I feel like I'm doomed to just have bad luck I'm not a believer of anything spiritual or supernatural, but it truly does feel like I was cursed with bad luck or some shit.\n\nA lot of it is just small things. Constantly getting the worst loot in video games, missing the public bus by like 30 seconds, etc. I always make small personal bets with myself like if I get a notification on Instagram I'll just be like \"I bet this specific person didn't like this post\" and I look at the notification and it's exactly that. This kind of shit is constantly happening everyday. By themselves it's not bad at all, but it really builds up and starts eating away at you.\n\nAnd then there's bigger things. Like being 5'2 as a male is pretty bad. I have mental illnesses and some of it I can't even relate with other mentally ill people. I get bronchitis like every fucking year. And then tonight, I just got news that a field trip to Hawaii that I've been looking forward to for FOUR FUCKING YEARS has been cancelled because of the coronavirus bullshit. Of course it had to be the ONE FUCKING YEAR IM A SENIOR AND ABLE TO GO.\n\nIt just all piles up so fucking much. I feel like I'll just constantly have bad luck in life. It makes me lose excitement in things I'm actually excited for because I'm just in that mindset that it'll go wrong because of my bad luck. Makes me wonder if it's even worth living if I'm just stuck with this shit. Again, I don't believe in karma or the supernatural or anything, but this shit really makes me question it.", "Blaming Everything on Yourself I don't know about y'all but I have a really bad habit of blaming myself on literally everything. Like even when my friends have something bad happen to them I commonly consider it all my fault. I don't really wanna bring religion into but if there is something out there I just know that it truly hates who I am. I honestly just want to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else have these feelings? ", "Blaming Everything on Yourself I don't know about y'all but I have a really bad habit of blaming myself on literally everything. Like even when my friends have something bad happen to them I commonly consider it all my fault. I don't really wanna bring religion into but if there is something out there I just know that it truly hates who I am. I honestly just want to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else have these feelings? ", "Growing up we were taught that people who had bad things happen to them were tempted by the devil and lost, so technically yes, the devil does control all the bad shit.", "Every bad thing is my fault I was always told every bad thing is my fault I believe it if anything bad happens I have to fix it because it is apparently my fault so I've given up I'm in the mind set of if you don't do anything nothing bad will happen because it's will always be my fault " ], "top_scores": [ 7.064965724945068, 6.610481262207031, 6.591201305389404, 6.201082229614258, 6.124380588531494 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive distortion of internalizing blame and attributing negative life events to personal culpability or external forces.", "pearson_r": 0.004511512844126715, "pred_f1": 0.47619047619047616 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2145, "freq": 0.006846043623626811, "mean_pos": 2.8627943992614746, "max_act": 8.715794563293457, "log_density": -2.1645602743871972, "top_texts": [ "Filled example:\n \n [[Name: Rose\n Speices: Sun-elf\n Job: \"Florist\" at \"Flower Power Florists\"\n Power: Light manipulation, speaks to animals.\n Apperance: 24-year-old, 5'4, female, with long ginger hair, blue eyes, warm tone skin, and freckles.\n Personality: optimistic, friendly, easily frightened\n Disorders: Blind in left eye, social anxiety, fear of spiders\n NSFW: 36DD Bra, degrading, choking.\n Likes: Plants, animals, rain, sunshine, chocolate chip cookies, strawberries.\n Backstory: Parents died when she was a young teen, forcing her to fend for herself. Only ever had 1 boyfriend who was abusive and would lock her outside in the rain]]", "[[Name: Full Char name\n Nickname/Alias: *Optional*\n Speices: *Optional*\n Job: \"job title\" at \"location name\"\n Power: *Optional*\n Apperance: Age, gender, physical attributes\n Personality: personality traits\n Disorders: Diagnoses/conditions *Optional*\n NSFW: *any NSFW traits (🍆 size, kinks, etc.)*\n Likes: *Optional*", "Use open-ended questions to avoid making the other person defensive. If you want to avoid argumentative responses, it is best to ask questions that invite them to speak honestly. *How:* This questioning style lets them know you want to be able to figure out some facts in order to reach a solution. **(5)** **Consciously Lower Your Voice**", "Psychiatrists and cultural background. I have noticed that I don't get along with psychiatrists of a certain cultural background. I'm Swedish, born and raised, and after a while I've noticed that I find ethnically Swedish (or Scandinavian in general) psychiatrists to be frustratingly indirect and \"careful\" about what they say in order to not hurt my feelings/confuse me, to the point that they just feel detached and the whole air of \"care\" just seems false and pretentious, and I honestly just feel very patronized.\n\nDuring my time in contact with the Swedish public psychiatry (which goes back to 2014), almost *all* of my positive experiences have been with psychiatrists and psychiatric nurses who are either of Eastern European or Middle Eastern origin. This far I've been in touch with in 7 psychiatrists or psychiatric nurses in total. 3 of them have been Swedish and they've ranged from \"meh\" to \"bad\" in my evaluation. The remaining 4 have been 3 Eastern Europeans and one Iranian psychiatrist. All refreshingly upfront, honest, and supportive in a very *direct* way.\n\nI'm curious to know if someone else has experienced *cultural* differences in quality between psychiatrists. I just found it interesting that such a difference could come down, not to the level of education, but to the cultural background of the practitioners.", "The well-behaved girl. The responsible mom. The gentle, loving wife who holds it all in. Who folds herself small so no one has to worry." ], "top_scores": [ 8.715794563293457, 7.161459445953369, 5.4698615074157715, 5.44088077545166, 5.205395698547363 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the use of structured templates, roleplay prompts, or analytical frameworks for interpersonal communication.", "pearson_r": 0.28229685919172315, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9943, "freq": 0.006413901335092228, "mean_pos": 3.0124411582946777, "max_act": 5.984850883483887, "log_density": -2.192877657387536, "top_texts": [ "Am I proud of it? Of course not. But also secretly yes. But I know I shouldn't be", "I admitted that some of it was my behavoir. But some of it was definitely stigma", "Det koster 45 kroner til staten hver gang du tænker over døden og organdonation. Vidste du slet ikke det? 🙄", "with Michael being killed before he moved into the MH, Vivien never broke things off with Ben to begin with, because the reason she stopped talking to Ben was because he affiliated himself with Michael.", "Do you all ever get omens, messages, ideas of reference, whatever you want to call them, where you know there's something there but it's just not clear what it means?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.984850883483887, 5.928380012512207, 5.685020446777344, 5.629262447357178, 5.3635735511779785 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents cognitive dissonance, self-reflection, or the analytical processing of complex social and internal contradictions.", "pearson_r": 0.13492347048829548, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2068, "freq": 0.006800554961675803, "mean_pos": 2.8405001163482666, "max_act": 6.960048198699951, "log_density": -2.1674555812322813, "top_texts": [ "Shame connected to depression So I feel a ton of shame and I'm not sure how to process it. I see it come up all the time. It shuts me down and then I feel depressed. and really I feel slightly depressed most of the time. I have tried looking at my childhood and can see that there is shame around bullying. Maybe about being embarrassed about being attached to my mom and not liking it when she would go to meetings.. like I've scanned my childhood as much as I can. \n\n\nAny thoughts on what I can do? Empathy is welcome as well. It's frustrating because I feel like I go in circles trying to look at it but if I don't it still comes up. \n\n\nI've had a regular meditation for years and I talk to friends about this. Even went to a therapist for 6 months and gave up cause it wasn't really addressing it.", "Does anyone have tips/skills that work for them to deal with body hate and body shame? I recently had an intense flashback of abuse from the bad incidences from when I was very young. This has caused the resurfacing of very debilitating body shame and disgust for me. I'm avoiding touching my own body, have been avoiding the shower, also honestly bowel movements have been really shameful and difficult for me just because I have them. I'm wondering if anyone has any tips/skills they use to get through daily tasks with this. Also any kind words or phrases they remember to repeat would be helpful too. \n\nThis is my first time posting here. Please let me know if this should be posted in another sub!", "Shameful events give me PTSD-like symptoms I am 20 now and ever since I was 12 I've been having these PTSD-like symptoms where I would get flashbacks to shameful memories. It's not one particular memory that haunts me. They're basically all memories of a shameful nature that happened in the past few years. It could be where I said something wrong and later thought it to be embarrassing. Or it could be someone who belittled me and made me feel shame. I have a history of childhood bullying and a hard upbringing, and I quickly learned not to react to those events and instead of digesting them in a healthy manner, I would keep them to myself. \n\nI get these flashbacks multiple times a day, where I have to roar or smash the wall with my fist(poor neighbors). It makes meditation uneasy for me as they come up during my sessions too. I've tried to observe them as merely thoughts, but the feelings of shame that are associated with these thoughts are simply unbearable. It's funny how my mind is racing, but it's mostly the same thoughts that I think. I'm also quite uneasy to be around as I often come off as insecure and needy. I also keep myself busy with media all day long and can't be productive at all. I also look and feel older than I really am. \n\nCould shameful events lead to PTSD?", "How to deal with shame spirals? I don't know what to do anymore. I got rid of my depression home and the urine smell of my cat but I keep thinking about what someone may have seen or smelled in my house and think I am grose/disgusting and honestly I sometimes think it's better to just give up on life even though I don't want to really, I fought so long and so hard but this is something that keeps haunting me and I don't know how to deal with it anymore? Anyone experiences with this who can help me out?", "Thanks for sharing and for your question. I think I would want to know more about how you define shame and experience it. Usually, shame is defined as a global self-conscious negative belief or evaluation about the self. I usually describe it by contrasting shame and guilt. When some people make a mistake, they might feel bad about their actions, want to change them, and believe that they can. That would be guilt. But some people might feel bad about who they are as people - as if they are defective or worthless. They might think that they cannot change their behaviors, and may support that belief with the belief that they are defective and ineffectual. That's shame. Part of our conceptualization of NPD is that some symptoms come from a very vulnerable or wounded self-identity. They may act as protective mechanisms. I think that people with NPD can be prone to feeling shame. If they are not aware of their vulnerable, wounded self, they might not recognize the shame they feel or be willing to acknowledge any underlying negative beliefs they have about themselves. On the flip side, if they are aware of those negative underlying beliefs and maintain self-compassion, cognitive flexibility and nonjudgement, they might become less shame-prone over time. Does that make sense? I don't know if it really answered your question." ], "top_scores": [ 6.960048198699951, 6.876242637634277, 6.443614482879639, 5.816158771514893, 5.7542290687561035 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and processing of deep-seated, self-directed shame.", "pearson_r": 0.429693874128347, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4873, "freq": 0.005777060067778107, "mean_pos": 3.3419594764709473, "max_act": 8.230234146118164, "log_density": -2.2382930416227076, "top_texts": [ "#NAME?", "#NAME?", "#NAME?", "#NAME?", "I read To Kill a Mockingbird and fell in love with Atticus Finch, got a lot of gender envy from him too. I began wanting to name myself Finch, but I didn't think it fit me right. So I decided to take the F and slap it over Lillian, a version of my deadname. :)" ], "top_scores": [ 8.230234146118164, 8.230234146118164, 8.230234146118164, 8.230234146118164, 7.785524368286133 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the exploration of gender identity and the process of choosing a chosen name.", "pearson_r": 0.287592342328878, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6036, "freq": 0.0054131507721700365, "mean_pos": 3.564497232437134, "max_act": 10.684098243713379, "log_density": -2.2665497961323067, "top_texts": [ "Anyone else on venlafaxine and getting the side effect of prolonged periods? TW period talk I started taking it a month and a half ago, and while mentally it's worked great, I have the side effect of my period just not stopping. I had a check up with my doctor and he said that I was in that 2% of people that get that side effect. He said not to worry too much and if it continues to see him again, but I don't think he realizes how much of an inconvenience periods are. I'm on week 4 of my period. My periods are normally 7 days, and I bleed a lot during the first couple days and then it starts to slow down, and my blood is normally blood colour. My period now is less blood, but it's brown and clumpier. If anyone else has gotten this side effect, how long did it take for it to go away? I'm getting a hormonal IUD in a few weeks which might help stop it but in the mean time I'm getting sick of my period.", "One morning I woke up with a feeling of something not right in my pelvic area after a night of nocturia,I ignored it. \nFew days later it started getting worse and now my groin feels like there's something stuck inside it or my pelvic area and when I sit there's pressure on my back. What could this be? Could it be related to vaginismus?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/vaginismus/comments/om7be3/i_have_this_feeling_247_unable_to_relax_or_lead/", "Ladies on Wellbutrin XL: Any menstrual issues? I started Wellbutrin XL at 150mg exactly one month ago. Besides the loss of appetite and some slight jitters I was fine. That is up until a week ago when things got weird. \n\nI had a supposed IBS flare up that had me sitting weird from bladder urges and pelvic pressure. Now I have a bruised coccyx from sitting weird BUT ANYWAYS..\n\nI’m expecting my period on 4/16, and just yesterday I had some brown discharge after my first workout since my IBS/bruised coccyx.. looks like the light discharge you might get after or before your period. Now today it’s just the lightest brown with a touch of pink.. barely even discharge. \n\nI’m on the 28 day combo pill and I take it religiously, 6:30am every day without fail. I highly doubt it’s implantation bleeding, and I did have a negative first response pregnancy test. My periods don’t come like perfect clockwork, but they have never started a whole 10 days early on their own unless I missed a BC pill! \n\nI’m going to call my doctor this week if it doesn’t let up.. but has anyone else experienced weird periods on Wellbutrin? I know BC and bodily stress can make your periods funky, but this has never once happened to me. ", "My partner and I feel the same way right now. I was afraid to have an ultrasound bc I knew I may spot after (I did!). The sight of any sort of blood, red or brown is so triggering.", "Period intensifies feelings of disgust Does anyone else feel completely disgusted with themselves when they’re on their period? I struggle with feeling disgusting and not feeling clean most of the time, I hate my body but being on my period seems to amplify it by a million. I feel so much more disgusting and so uncomfortable in my skin, I’m constantly over analysing every little thing about myself. \n\nI haven’t let myself have a period in coming up to nearly a year. I have taken my birth control pills back to back without telling my doctor because I’m not sure what they would say, I finally thought I should give myself a break to make sure everything is still working fine although it took 3 weeks of pms symptoms to finally getting my period which I guess has made it worse as well. \n\nEverything about my mental health feels so much worse coming up to my period starting and being on it and I know it’s normal for mood changes to happen but I just can’t deal with how intense it feels. \n\nIt took me months to build up to this but here we are, my mood is a million times worse and the disgust I have for myself is feeling quite unbearable, I want to cut. I know it’s a normal healthy function but that does not change how horrible it makes me feel about myself. \n\nI feel so pathetic that I find it so difficult. \n\n" ], "top_scores": [ 10.684098243713379, 10.405850410461426, 9.511778831481934, 7.831157207489014, 7.794985771179199 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures discussions regarding the intersection of gynecological health, menstrual cycles, and their impact on physical and emotional well-being.", "pearson_r": 0.7031634609833702, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4876, "freq": 0.006504878658994246, "mean_pos": 2.9494681358337402, "max_act": 6.092889785766602, "log_density": -2.186760733524867, "top_texts": [ "That’s an unhealthy way of thinking. You can be unhealthy if you want, but don’t promote it to other people and act like it’s a safe life style.", "Be a healthy citizen. Recognize that you can't stop certain feelings but you don't have to act on them. Just. Don't. Be. A. Fuckface.", "Yeah, not so much. I had a minor surgery on my neck today that just used local anesthetic, so I was fully conscious for it. Everything was fine since I'm not squeamish - until I realized they needed to strap me down to make sure I didn't move. It's a delicate procedure; I understood. But I hadn't been in restraints since the medical trauma, and I completely dissociated.", "Thanks! Yeah, I'm happy to have finally found something both natural and legal that works for me.", "It's only legal to forcibly inject (in the States at least) when the person presents a clear and present danger to themselves or others. Not saying this doesn't get abused, though, but if you're already in a hospital it's likely that you have been deemed this way by authorities." ], "top_scores": [ 6.092889785766602, 5.518769264221191, 5.1482110023498535, 4.92203950881958, 4.814510822296143 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the enforcement of behavioral norms, personal responsibility, and the distinction between internal feelings and external conduct.", "pearson_r": 0.12229018009359617, "pred_f1": 0.375 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1037, "freq": 0.006937020947528828, "mean_pos": 2.764348268508911, "max_act": 5.160423278808594, "log_density": -2.158826931466219, "top_texts": [ "Øhm ja?! De får jo ikke den nødvendige behandling på hospitalet, så det er da ikke underligt?", "I’m 21 and it feels like it’s getting worse. I’m on medications and now starting to experience psychosis even with it. I’m gonna raise the dose of my medication to see if that helps, but yeah. Feels like it’s getting worse", "I work as a CSR at CVS too. I let my supervisor and their manager know that the IVR system isn’t working for members and they proceeded to act like there wasn’t nothing wrong with it and to make a list of members whose phone the system isn’t working for. Complete gaslighting lol. Safe to say, after that meeting every call I’ve gotten is still about how the IVR system and the website/apps aren’t working :/", "Is it normal for adderall to feel less effective after a few months? Started on adderall xr a couple months ago as an adult, and it was an instant turn around -- my anxiety lessened by at least 80%, I was more productive, better able to accomplish tasks. The first weekend was practically a spiritual experience going from a shut-in to making plans with friends, and wanting to enjoy a book and sunshine on a patio. After the first few days, that tamped down a bit, which I figured was to be expected, but still dramatically more functional than before. I was feeling the negative effects of coming down off the XR dose after about six hours, so I was prescribed a low dose of regular release adderall for the afternoon. Now after a couple months, it just doesn't seem like the same dose does as much. I do have a lot of extra stress on my plate, as I came back from a leave of absence from my call center job only to find out the whole center is being laid off in 2 months, but even for all that, I feel like my meds aren't doing as much as before. The clinical pharmacist I talk to is absolutely awesome; when I told her that things came crashing down 6 hours into my XR dose, she wave super understanding, told me that was very common (I had no idea), and was the one to push my doctor to add the afternoon dose for me. But I'm worried I'll look like a drug seeker if I ask about a dosage increase. Years ago when I was on the state's poverty insurance plan, I was prescribed 5mg ritalin, and when I said I felt the withdrawl effects a lot harder than the onset, and asked if a higher dose would be appropriate, my provider immediately reacted by discontinuing my prescription. If it's going to risk what I have now, I'd rather try to soldier through with what I've got than risk having my meds taken away. \n\nIs it common for people to feel like they're hitting tolerance after only a few months on adhd meds, and how have your medical providers reacted when you brought it up?", "I’m on lithium right now and it hasn’t helped or worsened sleep for me. I’ve always had issues with it but lately it’s gotten worse and I don’t know why. I think because my psychosis seems to be getting bad lately and I’m having a bad time. But I’ll try to sleep or try to wake up and instead of happening what I want, suddenly I’m trapped in my body, struggling to breathe, can’t open my eyes or talk, can’t move at all, terrified." ], "top_scores": [ 5.160423278808594, 5.140921115875244, 5.131021499633789, 5.083868026733398, 4.93789005279541 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of managing, adjusting, or questioning the efficacy of psychiatric medication and clinical treatment.", "pearson_r": 0.33417518838162774, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2307, "freq": 0.006732321968749289, "mean_pos": 2.8444013595581055, "max_act": 4.784367561340332, "log_density": -2.1718350578505263, "top_texts": [ "Bullet journal?!? Have you tried the bullet journal ? If so has it helped you organize or keep on track ? I just ordered one from amazon after coming across a bullet journal group on Reddit . I was inspired by the pages I’ve seen . They are so pretty and look helpful but I’m worried my adhd will just run rampid and I’ll end up brain dumping all over the pages .", "I feel all of that. I'm already in the bed on a Saturday night so you can tell my calendar is slam full of excitement.", "today on my lack of boundaries and confusion within relationships Okay so I had a crush on this guy for 6 months. A bunch of people would randomly point out our connection, like so many people. We naturally get along really well. I eventually asked him if maybe he would be intersted in anything more than friendship. He said he was just interested in friendship so I accepted that answer. He still made jokes that were slightly sexual, but so did I. I know he has a lot of anxities around relationships and seems to think he messes them up with little things. \n\nAnyway, he's been a really good friend. So I went out drinking with him and some friends. At the end of the night he kind of went to hold my hand breifly (I don't know if he thought I was his friend). Made a comment about crashing at my house. So now I'm a little confused. He also messaged me the next day (which he knows once you get me talking I wont stop).\n\nI invited him on a weekend trip later this year with my friends, but sleeping arrangements got changed which means we now have to share a bed, which he weirdly said he was okay with. Now I'm just here like... how do you share a bed with someone you've had a crush on? And still find attractive. I don't know how I've ended up in this situation. HELP.", "Scared of meds, wondering if I should be on them. Let’s just preface this by saying I understand I should get any and all medical advice from a doctor. I’m not expecting medical advice here, I just want to share my thoughts and feelings with those who might feel similarly. I want to know how you deal with this.\n\nRecently reddit has gone crazy over a vice article about adhd meds - likening them to meth. I get that adhd meds are basically prescribed meth, taken in a controlled way. \n\nI’m still scared. I’ve been medicated for three years and I’d say it’s saved my life. I can hold down a job, I am socially appropriate, I’m calm and measured. i even got into uni when I couldn’t before. But now I have a chorus of voices around me (including my mother and sister in law) saying\n\n- “adderall will age you and ruin your skin and teeth, have you seen meth addicts?”\n-“adderall will ruin your organs.”\n-“adderall will ruin your coping skills, if you ever go off it you’ll lose all your ability to cope.”\n\netc\n\nI feel so overwhelmed taking my medication every day. It’s what I’m meant to do, it’s prescribed. But now I have anxiety about my skin aging rapidly and my organs being impacted. It’s actually making me depressed.\n\nI know this is work for a psychologist and psychiatrist, not reddit. I’m only sharing because I want to know - how do you deal with these thoughts and opinions and still take your medication? I want to take my medication. I want to be a functioning adult like I wasn’t able to be for 26 years before medication. But I also don’t want to feel like I’m ruining my body and skin.\n\nAnyone know where the best literature on this comes from? I don’t want to just google myself into more anxiety.\n\nAlso, what about role models? I’d like to see someone who has been on adderall since they were a child until they were middle aged. So I can know what my future might be like. I have no positive, older, adhd role models. All people see is meth addiction and assume that will be your end point. I want to know there is another end point.\n\nAny support with this would be endlessly appreciated. I am so thankful to this community for all the support.", "Scared of meds, wondering if I should be on them. Let’s just preface this by saying I understand I should get any and all medical advice from a doctor. I’m not expecting medical advice here, I just want to share my thoughts and feelings with those who might feel similarly. I want to know how you deal with this.\n\nRecently reddit has gone crazy over a vice article about adhd meds - likening them to meth. I get that adhd meds are basically prescribed meth, taken in a controlled way. \n\nI’m still scared. I’ve been medicated for three years and I’d say it’s saved my life. I can hold down a job, I am socially appropriate, I’m calm and measured. i even got into uni when I couldn’t before. But now I have a chorus of voices around me (including my mother and sister in law) saying\n\n- “adderall will age you and ruin your skin and teeth, have you seen meth addicts?”\n-“adderall will ruin your organs.”\n-“adderall will ruin your coping skills, if you ever go off it you’ll lose all your ability to cope.”\n\netc\n\nI feel so overwhelmed taking my medication every day. It’s what I’m meant to do, it’s prescribed. But now I have anxiety about my skin aging rapidly and my organs being impacted. It’s actually making me depressed.\n\nI know this is work for a psychologist and psychiatrist, not reddit. I’m only sharing because I want to know - how do you deal with these thoughts and opinions and still take your medication? I want to take my medication. I want to be a functioning adult like I wasn’t able to be for 26 years before medication. But I also don’t want to feel like I’m ruining my body and skin.\n\nAnyone know where the best literature on this comes from? I don’t want to just google myself into more anxiety.\n\nAlso, what about role models? I’d like to see someone who has been on adderall since they were a child until they were middle aged. So I can know what my future might be like. I have no positive, older, adhd role models. All people see is meth addiction and assume that will be your end point. I want to know there is another end point.\n\nAny support with this would be endlessly appreciated. I am so thankful to this community for all the support." ], "top_scores": [ 4.784367561340332, 4.636843204498291, 4.5633344650268555, 4.526287078857422, 4.526287078857422 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the expression of uncertainty, hesitation, or seeking peer validation regarding personal life management and treatment decisions.", "pearson_r": 0.23068498689727113, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9084, "freq": 0.006504878658994246, "mean_pos": 2.9349446296691895, "max_act": 6.985838413238525, "log_density": -2.186760733524867, "top_texts": [ ">Toxic femininity is certainly a real concept, brought on as a result of the trauma of the patriarchy", "Who have I antagonized? Me having an angry tone because people refuse to acknowledge that being poor makes having a mental illness exponentially harder is not the same as intentionally antagonizing someone. Go away", "I've been saving up all the condescending replies I get anytime I mention that mental illness is harder when dealing with poverty.", "Karens/Kevin’s. Have you ever read (or heard on YouTube) stories, and cringed because you related to the ‘entitled/stupid’ person? Or *were* the bad person in the story? I know I have... sighs.", "I assume you're basing this on more than just the post title? You actually read and got some context yeah? So You think I'm stupid af because I think poverty makes mental illness exponentially harder. Or are you just dog piling for fun?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.985838413238525, 5.973052024841309, 5.895082950592041, 5.623751163482666, 5.437894821166992 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents defensive frustration and perceived invalidation regarding the intersection of socioeconomic status and mental health.", "pearson_r": 0.5711892857724293, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7403, "freq": 0.006322924011190211, "mean_pos": 2.9952449798583984, "max_act": 6.414920330047607, "log_density": -2.1990819688145558, "top_texts": [ "Harrison Bergeron Any time I have a slightly intelligent thought I feel that the universe finds a way to distract me from it. It reminds me of a short story by Kurt Vonnegut in which people who are exceptional in some way are handicapped by the government to prevent inequality; the people who are the smartest in this fictional world are implanted with microchips that play loud sounds when the host has bright ideas or questions the government.\n\nI have had delusions that the government is using these techniques to distract me from what is really going on in the world. Maybe schizophrenia is just a label for the people who don’t fit into society’s mold for a model person.", "I'm sure there are actual conspiracies, but I've never been drawn to them. I more feel like sometimes everything is a conspiracy and designed to communicate or influence me, like the Truman Show but lowkey carried by the gods.", "Do you tend to eat meals, or snacks throughout the day ? 3 meals a day, or like 5 snacks/smaller meals", "How does alcohol make you feel? I'm not sure if this is a thing, but when I drink I never quite get fully drunk like other people seem to experience it. Ok yes I've had nights where I've drunk alot and got really drunk, but the majority of the time, even when I drink loads it seems my mind can never quite switch off and I'm always sensible. This is good obviously but sometimes I wish it would switch off and I could feel normal.", "Lol, I’m aware that these fake DID systems are getting out of hand" ], "top_scores": [ 6.414920330047607, 5.271836280822754, 5.267342567443848, 5.010982036590576, 4.937143325805664 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a sense of detachment from reality or a feeling of being observed, controlled, or influenced by external, often metaphysical or systemic, forces.", "pearson_r": -0.020104818294981244, "pred_f1": 0.375 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 521, "freq": 0.006186458025337184, "mean_pos": 3.059854507446289, "max_act": 6.9714789390563965, "log_density": -2.208557859183308, "top_texts": [ "He was ass raped every minute of it, endlessly, while Lucifer and Michael dressed like bears. There were also clowns that danced around THE END", "She didn't go home with me, she took an Uber. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life. I payed for the food, got it to go, and went home. This is where it gets crazy. I wanted to be away from her at that time.", "\"Just go outside more, you'd feel much better\" Well I went outside today because I had to do some errands, and guess what, I was still depressed. I was feeling even more miserable outside because I couldn't stand watching all those couples and groups of friends having a great time. I had to hold back my tears on my way home. When I finally returned home, I just threw myself on my bed and cried. \n\nSo yeah, that was my day, how was yours?", "My friend really wanted me to go, and I'm so happy I did. I was super hesitant to be going to town, being around so many people drinking. But not only was it easy (for the most part) but it was the best night I've had in soooo long. It reminded me that I didn't need alcohol to have fun and I smiled and danced my through the night.", "A & A Appliance Leasing \n\n# Lease affordable washers, dryers and more!\n\nWe offer quality washers and dryers for lease in the Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Round Rock, Pflugerville, Hutto, Taylor, Killeen, Temple, San Marcos, and surrounding areas. \nLease online or call us today. **We’ll deliver within 48 hours!**\n\n[**www.aaapplianceleasing.com**](https://www.aaapplianceleasing.com)" ], "top_scores": [ 6.9714789390563965, 6.64617919921875, 6.009931564331055, 5.471016883850098, 5.30857515335083 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures narratives involving specific, anecdotal life events or external situational experiences rather than clinical symptoms or diagnostic inquiries.", "pearson_r": 0.3856100956103739, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3167, "freq": 0.005777060067778107, "mean_pos": 3.2765626907348633, "max_act": 9.925182342529297, "log_density": -2.2382930416227076, "top_texts": [ "Det viktige her er b. Lovgivningen er såpass bred at alt som bare ligner på et allerede ulovlig eller legemiddell oppført stoff kan føre til anmeldelse og vil være ulovlig og erverve. Jeg fikk brev om anmeldelse fra politiet etter at jeg prøvde å bestille 50 Clonazepam tabletter. Det var visst brudd på legemiddelloven.", "Ketamine \n[When administered orally, ketamine undergoes first-pass metabolism, where it is biotransformed in the liver by CYP3A4 (major), CYP2B6 (minor), and CYP2C9 (minor) isoenzymes into norketamine (through N-demethylation) and ultimately dehydronorketamine.[12] Intermediate in the biotransformation of norketamine into dehydronorketamine is the hydroxylation of norketamine into hydroxynorketamine by CYP2B6 and CYP2A6. As the major metabolite of ketamine, norketamine is one-third to one-fifth as potent as an anesthetic, and plasma levels of this metabolite are three times higher than ketamine following oral administration.[138][151] Ketamine and its metabolites are also conjugated.[18]](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ketamine#Metabolism) \n \nDesmetramadol \n[Desmetramadol is metabolized in the liver into the active metabolite N,O-didesmethyltramadol via CYP3A4 and CYP2B6. The inactive tramadol metabolite N-desmethyltramadol is metabolized into the active metabolite N,O-didesmethyltramadol by CYP2D6. The metabolic conversion of tramadol to desmetramadol is highly dependent on individual metabolism, meaning that two users with an identical opioid tolerance can experience vastly different effects from the same dose. For this reason, tramadol is always initiated at the lowest possible dose in clinical settings and then titrated to the lowest effective dose. Recreational users tend to start with much higher doses without taking this into account, greatly increasing the risk of overdose.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desmetramadol) \n \nI would not mess with O-DMST while on mirtazapine. Sounds like very high risk. Combining tramadol with anything is greatly discouraged against.", "Over-the-counter (OTC) medicines are good for many types of pain \n\nPain relievers are medicines that reduce or relieve headaches, sore muscles, arthritis, or other aches and pains. There are many different pain medicines, and each one has advantages and risks. Some types of pain respond better to certain medicines than others. Each person may also have a slightly different response to a pain reliever. Some OTC pain Medications such as [Tramadol,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-tramadol-online/) [Oxycodone,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-oxycodone-online/) [Oxycontin,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-oxycontin-online/) [OxyNorm,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-oxynorm-online/) [Percocet,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-percocet-online/) [Hydrocodone,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-hydrocodone-online/) [Adipex-P,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-adipex-online/) [Darvocet](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-darvocet-online/), [Demerol](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-demerol-online/), [Dexedrine](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-dexedrine-online/) \n\n[Adderall](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-adderall-online/).\n\n[Adderall](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-adderall-online/)[Adipex-P,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-adipex-online/)\n\n[Darvocet](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-darvocet-online/), \n\n[Demerol](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-demerol-online/), \n\n[Dexedrine](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-dexedrine-online/)[Dilaudid- Hydromorphone](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-dilaudid-online/)\n\n[Ecstasy,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-ecstasy-online/) \n\n[Endocet,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-endocet-online/) \n\n[Fentanyl,](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-fentanyl-patches-online/) \n\n[Fentanyl Citrate](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-fentanyl-citrate-online/)\n\n[Green Xanax](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-green-xanax-online/)\n\n[Greenstone Xanax](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-greenstone-xanax-online/)\n\n[Hydrocodone](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-hydrocodone-online/)\n\n[Klonopin](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-klonopin-online/)\n\n[Lortab](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-lortab-online/)\n\n[methadone](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-methadone-online/)\n\n[Morphine](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-morphine-online/)\n\n[Norco](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-norco-online/)\n\n[Opana ER (Oxymorphone HCL) 30mg & 40mg](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-opana-online/)\n\n[Oxycodone](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-oxycodone-online/)\n\n[Oxycontin](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-oxycontin-online/)\n\n[OxyNorm](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-oxynorm-online/)\n\n[Percocet](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-percocet-online/)\n\n[phentermine](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-phentermine-online/)\n\n[Quaaludes – Methaqualone 300 mg](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-quaaludes-online/)\n\n[Ritalin](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-ritalin-online/)\n\n[Valium](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-valium-online/)\n\n[Buy Roxicodone Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-roxicodone-online/)\n\n[Buy SuboxoneOnline](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-suboxone-online/)\n\n[Buy Suboxone Strips](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-suboxone-strips-online/)\n\n[ Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-suboxone-strips-online/)[Buy Subutex](http://www.google.com/url?q=http%3A%2F%2Fgoodwillpharmacy.org%2Fproduct%2Fbuy-subutex-online%2F&sa=D&sntz=1&usg=AFQjCNHmP_Z5gSSEFRElCJRV6l21WPG-Dg) Online\n\n[Buy Tramadol Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-tramadol-online/)\n\n[Buy Ultram](http://www.google.com/url?q=http%3A%2F%2Fgoodwillpharmacy.org%2Fproduct%2Fbuy-ultram-online%2F&sa=D&sntz=1&usg=AFQjCNG7TGxq8wKMx4Of7J6LKrKxDgZJxg) Online\n\n[Buy Vicodin Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-vicodin-online/)\n\n[Buy Vicoprofen](http://www.google.com/url?q=http%3A%2F%2Fgoodwillpharmacy.org%2Fproduct%2Fbuy-vicoprofen-online%2F&sa=D&sntz=1&usg=AFQjCNG_y5t4bE4jDAATIyol3F41510a0Q) Online\n\n[Buy Vyvanse Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-vyvanse-online/)\n\n[Buy Xanax Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-xanax-online/)\n\n[Buy Yellow Xanax Online](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-yellow-xanax-online/)\n\n[ over](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/product/buy-yellow-xanax-online/)\\-the-counter (OTC) medicines are good for many types of pain. There are two main types of OTC pain medicines: acetaminophen (Tylenol) and nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs). Aspirin, naproxen (Aleve), and ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin) are examples of OTC NSAIDs.If OTC medicines don’t relieve your pain, your doctor may prescribe something stronger. Many NSAIDs are also available at higher prescription doses. The most powerful pain relievers are [OPIOIDS](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/?product_cat=opioid-detox&s=&post_type=product) and [ADHDs](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/?product_cat=adhd&s=&post_type=product) They are very effective, but they can sometimes have serious side effects. There is also a risk of addiction. Because of the risks, you must use them only under a doctor’s supervision. There are many things you can do to help ease the pain. Pain relievers are just one part of a pain treatment plan and can be gotten [here.](https://lifewaypharmacy.org/)", "Wikipedia lists 20-40 hours for mirtazapine half life. My knowledge of the subject is not sufficient enough to give better answer. As it is not clearly laid out how either substance affects availbility of the enzymes. \n \nMirtazapine is one of the most effective trip killers so that might lessen dissociative experience. With O-DSMT I would tread very carefully. At least take few days off mirtazapine just to be safe. \n \n\"This also results in a ceiling effect (dependent on CYP2D6 availability) which limits tramadol's range of therapeutic benefits to the treatment of moderate pain.\" You might not get desired effects at all. If you end up with huge dose of mirtazapine at least it's considered safe for overdosing.", "Foreskrift om narkotika: \n\"§ 3.Definisjoner \nSom narkotika regnes \na)\tstoffer, grupper av stoffer, droger, planter og sopper som er oppført i narkotikalisten, jf. § 4 \nb)\tsalter, stereoisomere, estere og etere av stoffer og grupper av stoffer oppført på narkotikalisten, forutsatt at stoffene har, eller antas å ha, psykoaktiv effekt \nc)\tblandinger (flytende, i fast form eller i gassfase) med innhold som nevnt i bokstav a) eller b). \nMed psykoaktiv effekt menes effekt på sentralnervesystemet i form av stimulering eller nedstemthet med minst én av følgende virkninger: hallusinasjoner, forstyrrelser i motoriske funksjoner, tenkning, adferd, oppfattelse eller sinnsstemning. " ], "top_scores": [ 9.925182342529297, 9.693265914916992, 8.254176139831543, 7.757904052734375, 7.603449821472168 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies technical, legal, or pharmacological discussions regarding specific chemical substances and their regulatory or metabolic properties.", "pearson_r": 0.7095746584841394, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7989, "freq": 0.00652762298996975, "mean_pos": 2.8732333183288574, "max_act": 6.32710599899292, "log_density": -2.1852448701525464, "top_texts": [ "My roommate was taking pictures of me and sending them to people I didn’t know who to tell because I feel so ashamed. I saw my roommate take a picture of me when he thought I wasn’t looking. Later I saw him send it to someone with a bunch of text underneath but I couldn’t read what he said. I think he was making fun of me. We had just been watching tv together and joking around, I thought everything was good and fine. \nI just feel so low. \n\nThanks for reading", "xd So my gf just answered with 'xd' to me saying that I feel like I'm emotionally dying and that I feel too tired to do anything else (I have clinical depression and anxiety disorder which she knows about. Also I live with her; and I have to do so for at least 5 more months). Such a small thing and yet it just snapped something within me, I don't even know how I feel about it anymore. ", "Snapchat maps and snap score are the worst things ever invented for people with BPD Even during my first conversation with someone I find myself compulsively checking them if they don’t reply quickly.", "Some online school assignments are the bane of me Listen, i'm fine with only text-based assignments. I can do them in like 15 minutes if I imagine myself doing something actually entertaining afterwards, though I have to proof-read those assignments because I usually get distracted and end up butchering words or typing in a word I didn't mean to. \n\nHowever, what really pains me, what really discourages me from doing anything, what really makes me feel like a useless sack of garbage are those assignments that force you to make a mind map or an infographic. \n\nLike, *why?!* I literally can't fucking do those because my combination of self-loathing and distraction, and the fact that my fucking brain is on holiday mode despite all this, make me unable to do anything concerning drawing or making mind maps. I fucking hate it.\n\nTL;DR: School sometimes wants me to do infographics/mind maps, I hate those and I get so distracted I can't do them", "When I used to smoke, I’d green out and just have to lay on the cold floor and focus which only made me more anxious! Edibles always did me in." ], "top_scores": [ 6.32710599899292, 5.520520210266113, 5.088541507720947, 4.8150763511657715, 4.778973579406738 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures experiences of interpersonal distress, social monitoring, and perceived external threats to emotional safety.", "pearson_r": 0.16267126526312636, "pred_f1": 0.5454545454545454 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4015, "freq": 0.006186458025337184, "mean_pos": 3.0239086151123047, "max_act": 7.72072172164917, "log_density": -2.208557859183308, "top_texts": [ "It’s fucking depression. 35% of the individuals who had a mental illness and were associated with a domestic violence incident had fucking depression.", "Lastly, I once heard someone say that it's not mental illness that makes people violent. It's anger. Makes a lot of sense to me. Fear can sometimes make people lash out, but only when backed into a corner and as a last resort. Anger and hatred on the hand is a whole other story.", "Nuh uh he’s obvi a fuckin stage 36 and 3/4 violent sociopath. You’re mean and uneducated.", "Yeah totally like, if you have aspd you are 100% sure to be a violent person\n\nCause apparently violence and aspd are synonyms\n\nkys", "And 25% are psychopaths, while less than 1% of the general population are psychopaths. Also did you know that half of the violent crimes In the US are committed by psychopaths despite their extremely small representation? Are you getting it yet?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.72072172164917, 7.381547451019287, 7.018115043640137, 6.961655616760254, 6.134573936462402 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the stigmatizing association between mental health disorders and violent behavior.", "pearson_r": 0.22498259004076848, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5900, "freq": 0.006755066299724793, "mean_pos": 2.765483856201172, "max_act": 5.673057556152344, "log_density": -2.170370319809454, "top_texts": [ "My prediction is that he will just stop giving a fuck. I mean I hold grudges for some time but they resolve pretty fast because the person doesn’t mean much to me.", "I imagine this varies per person, but for me, it’s the fact that nothing is ever enough. For my satisfaction, for my image, for my sense of self, for assurance that I belong… I am forever running in a hamster wheel, trying to chase what makes me feel momentarily fulfilled, but always resetting back to a baseline of emptiness. Purchases, experiences, interactions with others, and other things I engage in to feel better only briefly fill the perpetual void.", "It feels like I'm stuck in an infinite state of being It just never, ever ends. Year after year after year. Constantly putting forth every fucking fiber of my being to move forward and nothing...", "Gilroy garlic festival shooting. Long story short, I was at the Las Vegas mass shooting when I was 25 weeks pregnant. Scariest thing that has happened to me.. my husband, baby, and I made it out alive. I’ve had really bad nightmares ever since and other mass shootings just make them appear again. I don’t really know why I’m posting this, I just honestly can’t stop crying. Gilroy is an hour and a half away from me. Ugh. A kid died. I’m just very distraught right now.", "Long story short I’ve been on Zoloft for the last eight years. For that entire time I got up to a dose of 150mg a day. Zoloft serves a purpose in my life that it curbs my impulses, it tranquilizes me in a sense, which is a little positive because I started taking them because I had a big problem with using amphetamines (street speed)." ], "top_scores": [ 5.673057556152344, 5.01810884475708, 4.9474568367004395, 4.922756671905518, 4.917035102844238 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of chronic, repetitive emotional exhaustion and the feeling of being trapped in persistent, cyclical distress.", "pearson_r": 0.3439553742247531, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5194, "freq": 0.005526872427047558, "mean_pos": 3.3714449405670166, "max_act": 12.585233688354492, "log_density": -2.257520481241319, "top_texts": [ "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Research Does anyone know of research/studies regarding RSD? I read up on it today (thanks to this subreddit) and it really resonated with me. I got caught up in it and nearly got carried away. Luckily my wife is working on her PsyD and is very good at reeling in self-diagnosis.\n\n\nHer main concern when I ran RSD by her was to do with a lack of research. The articles found online center around the same few ideas regarding RSD with no references to psychological research outside of that done by William Dodson and even then I can't seem to find any actual research papers by him. I also noticed that a majority of the articles regarding RSD online are by Dodson himself as well.\n\n\nI find the idea of RSD very attractive because I can really relate to the concept, and I know my wife doesn't intend to invalidate the experience of those diagnosed with ADHD, but she does have a good point. Has anyone done further research into this and have more in depth sources regarding ADHD and RSD? I get that this might not be the most well researched thing but I assume someone, at the very least Dodson, would have published something in a journal regarding this at some point.", "Lokking for a PDF file about Rejection Sensitivity downloaded from here last year Hi All, some time last year I downloaded a PDF file from here name (at the time) 'Lauren RSD.pdf' which contains an article by William Dodson about Rejection Sensitivity. [Link to PDF](https://www.dropbox.com/s/pdq7hbali3sn3x5/RSD.PDF?dl=0) It was posted in a comment thread about RSD.\n\nIt appears that the page 5 of the paper is missing from the PDF. I cannot seem to trace this pdf anywhere (incl. reddit - maybe the link was removed). It doesn't seem to be linked anywhere on William Dodson's website either. I am really interested in the content of that page due to the fact that RSD has always featured in my life and is having a devastating impact in all the areas of it.\n\nCould any of you shed any light on where this article might have been published originally? I thought I'd ask here first before emailing the author.\n\nThank you", "Could use some friendly advice Does anyone have any experience on handling rejection sensitivity dysphoria? \n\nEspecially in these weird and stressful times I notice mine flaring up quite a bit, and its disrupting quite some parts of my life. I'm not the best at handling emotions especially when I feel rejected, but I do really want to get better at it. \n\nMy question is if someone has found a way to deal with theirs or knows resources so I can work on it, because I'm struggling because of it and it really sucks.\n\n(if I should post this somewhere else let me know please)", "I'm a mess with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria how to get better ? I have been diagnosed recently for ADHD-PI and it had a somewhat positive effect on my life \"overall\"\nI also realized that I was suffering from some form of RSD but not officialy diagnosed yet.\n\nThe RSD is mostly crippling my ability to find/maintain healthy romantic relationships even if RSD also ruined some perfectly fine friendships over the years.\n\nMy parents have never been very open minded or educated so my mental health was never really a concern for them, therefor after my initial diagnosis I had to unfortunatly come the slow yet violent realization that I'm a mess. I'm a \"bit\" scared of having so many issues that I would never be able find someone who really loves me and vice-versa.\n\n* I'm a bit more than 30 years old.\n* I had to admit to myself that I actually have no idea how to be in a romantic relationship with someone the concept evades me completly as I have never had strong romantic feelings for anybody.\n* The few relationships have had so far follow a self destructive pattern of just hooking up or dating whoever is attracted to me when I'm not forcibly attracted to them (this is somewhat making me a whore in a way but I guess it's a coping mechanism to tackle the soul crushing loneliness). I have a small hunch that this is creating some further damages to my mental health.\n* When I meet or intend to meet someone new I often spend a non neglectable amount of time thinking of \"how things will go wrong\" or \" what's that person's agenda as surely nobody can be attracted to me without an ulterior motive\" - the worst part is that I have been right a couple time so it's reinforcing an unhealthy behaviour pattern - I don't even know if this makes any sense at this stage.\n\nI'm sorry if this is not making much sense I'm just a bit lost.\n\nMy questions are pretty simple as I guess I need to forcemyself towards the healing road and break the patterns over time:\n\n* With points aforementionned, from an external point of view would you consider some sort of profesional counceling or therapy of any kind ? if given the choice would you have a specific type to recommend.\n* Any RSD sufferer or supporters have any kind of broad helpful advice or materials I could read ?\n\nTL:DR : I'm unable to start or maintain romantic relationships due to RSD and looking for some advice on how to start \"healing\" \n", "How do you handle ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria? I (27M) have been going to a pschologist and after a few meetings has referred me to get diagnosed with ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. This is all new to me and a lot to take in, but reading articles and medical journals is helping me realize what is going on in my mind. Until I can meet with my doctor, I wanted to see how others have worked with ADHD and more specifically, RSD. " ], "top_scores": [ 12.585233688354492, 11.876476287841797, 11.244659423828125, 11.00026798248291, 10.418856620788574 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions specifically centered on Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and its association with ADHD.", "pearson_r": 0.33890192919342615, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1744, "freq": 0.0052311961243660015, "mean_pos": 3.5276567935943604, "max_act": 8.238221168518066, "log_density": -2.281398914380634, "top_texts": [ "How do you guys rid yourselves of jealousy? I mean jealousy of all kinds too.\n\n* The kind where you get pissed off seeing other people happy.\n* The kind where your lover spoke to someone else and it haunted you.\n* The kind where you're feeling like you're missing out on fun things your peers are doing, but it just pisses you off instead of makes you sad. \n* The kind where you're just overwhelmed with bitterness towards any sign of other people being happy at all, even in situations that are completely attainable by you. You just don't give a shit enough to put yourself in those situations.\n\nI'm just frustrated. I've had a long day. I needed this.", "Why am I SO jealous Sorry for the long post. \n\nI suffered with depression for about 5 years, I’m pretty much out of it now but still dealing with the fallout. 2 years out of the 5 were severe, so bad that my brain has blocked out the memories and I don’t remember any of it. It started when I was about 17. Perfect timing. \n\nNevertheless due to amazing support from my family, I was able to get into medical school and am half way through. It’s been incredibly hard and my attendance the first 2 years was pretty awful because I honestly had no interest or passion like I used to. This has returned to normal now (about 6 months ago) and I’m managing to thrive, although I still can only handle doing school stuff, if I add anything else to that equation I end up completely drained and everything falls apart. \n\nI feel like I wasted my youth. The ages 17 to 23 are supposed to be your best years. Or at least that’s what everybody says. They have been a nightmare for me. I want to go out and enjoy myself and party and have lots of friends and date. But there’s been none of that for me since I was 17. \n\nI’m so jealous of everyone who is able to do this. I open my Instagram or Facebook and everyone is having the time of their lives. I know that social media is heavily filtered and there could be things going on behind the scenes, but that’s hard to believe when people are going out every single weekend and travelling around the world and experiencing things I always wanted to.\n\nI can’t do the things I want to because I’ve shut myself off socially since I gained my ‘depression’ weight. It’s going to take me at least 8 months of hard work to lose but instead of working towards it all I’m thinking about is how everyone else is having fun and that even if I do get fit I’ve already lost out on so much.\n\nI know that I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be extremely grateful for my family, my health and my career. I’m going to be a qualified doctor in 2 years and then start training to be a surgeon. I know that this is something I should be proud of but I still feel so much jealousy towards the people with perfect lives and perfect bodies and ‘fame’. I’ve tried to logically work through these feelings but it never seems to make a difference. ", "Does anyone experience heart palpitations when jealous over fp? Ive noticed I have very abnormal heart palpitations when I get extremely jealous over my fp. Ive tried just about everything to control it, assuming it came from anxiety; nothing helps. Does anyone else experience this too? \n\nIve been studying the heart and I dont understand what would cause this, if this is something to look into further. ", "Feeling jealous is normal, especially in this context. Whether your mum is trying to make you jealous or whether you just feel that way because your lonely is something to think about", "Tips for being less jealous of FP?? First off, I am not actually diagnosed with BPD but after research, I've found out that people with BPD can most probably relate to my issue. I have an FP, who is my boyfriend. We've been together for almost 5 months now, and my jealousy got gradually worse until the point where if he's hanging with his friends without me or isn't giving me attention 24/7 or leaves me on read etc. I will get into an incredibly bad mood, kind of like a panic mode. Even if we are on a party, I demand most of his attention or else I'll most likely sit with a sour face. It doesn't help me that we are classmates so I see him talking to other people every single day... I've had another boyfriend for almost 3 years, but I was literally NEVER, EVER jealous of him. I don't understand what caused this extreme behavior with my current boyfriend and I wish my thoughts would be normal again:( \n\n\nI do have other friends but I just don't feel the same connection with them, and that makes me sad too. I want to have best friends without this whole obsession and idolizing thing. \n\n\nI would always feel SO guilty about these feelings, and I always tried to rationalize them, knowing that it's normal for people to have other friends and spend time away from me. But still, it just rocks me to my core whenever this happens, and I'm afraid of pushing him away wih my obsession and I just end up in this spiral of anxiety and fear :( \n\n\nI am planning to see a psychologist but I'm afraid I won't be able to for a couple weeks... So in the meanwhile, I would like to ask for some advice or maybe mindfulness tips on how to handle this sort of jealousy. I really want to get better and stop feeling like this, and although at least I now notice these behaviours, I usually can't calm my jealousy for hours. \n\n\nThank you in advance for any advice and help!" ], "top_scores": [ 8.238221168518066, 8.093585968017578, 8.043177604675293, 8.002323150634766, 7.914653778076172 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of intense, intrusive, or distressing feelings of jealousy within interpersonal relationships.", "pearson_r": 0.6709655139424405, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 741, "freq": 0.006413901335092228, "mean_pos": 2.8675191402435303, "max_act": 5.547354698181152, "log_density": -2.192877657387536, "top_texts": [ "This dosage is totally achievable via a full spectrum tincture. If we estimate you took 60mg of CBD and 3mg of THC, this is a ratio of 20:1, which is pretty standard for full spectrum tinctures.", "Had my 20w ultrasound today. I was terrified but everything is looking GOOD. I’m at high risk for growth restriction (based on my first pregnancy), and they are concerned about my placenta eventually growing into where my first incision was so I found out I will most likely have my c section at 37 weeks. Aside from the risks, my doctor said nothing was of concern. Now I can breathe easy for a little bit!", "Do you pronounce it skit-zoid or skee-zoid? I'm think some people feel the second one has a less negative connotation because it is softer than the historical skit-zo, which is sometimes used in a derogatory way.", "Help please Hello, can anyone help me with an information? \nI was doing videochat 7 years ago because I had some personal problems. I stop doing this and unfortunately I still have some videos and photos left on google and on some sites where there ia No admin. I try to contact them on the email they have at DMCA but nobody respond and the videos are still there. Thing which unfortunately Affect my image a lot. If you know Any information about how can I delete the photos and the videos please Tell me. Thank you very much!", "For the last 2 years I have suffered from chronic rhinitis and lots of pain symptoms with it. In this time my ear started playing up, but like everything else I chalked it up to the rhinitis. I had surgery in July to sort out the rhinitis and it worked, good bye headaches and constant cold, but hello ear pain and not being able to hear properly. All the symptoms fit an ear infection, but I have had a consult with my pain specialist and confirmed its just fibro." ], "top_scores": [ 5.547354698181152, 5.083070278167725, 5.052634239196777, 5.018844127655029, 4.982391834259033 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies technical, medical, or logistical inquiries regarding specific health conditions, treatments, or external administrative processes.", "pearson_r": 0.038973398821031284, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1318, "freq": 0.006686833306798281, "mean_pos": 2.74979829788208, "max_act": 5.835620403289795, "log_density": -2.1747794380584717, "top_texts": [ ">Morality? Good and bad people? I don't know. Maybe we for practical reasons have to insist that every human, except the obviously very mentally sick people, are responsible for their actions even if they are victims of fx. their own childhood or other circumstances?\n\nI have to agree here. We don't choose our constitution when we are born (or even whether or not we are born) nor do we choose the circumstances we are born in.\n\nSo I cannot really blame someone who was born with a predisposition to hurt others on top of an environment that nurtured that trait. Not to mention things like traumatic head injuries, lead poisoning and fetal alcohol syndrome.\n\nI feel very sorry for them despite hating their actions. Nevertheless, we still have to hold them responsible for their actions for practical reasons. Being a victim yourself doesn't excuse victimising others!", "Yeah, I only do things if I think I'll enjoy it or if It'll end up benefiting me. Most tasks are boring and they drive me crazy with how dull and monotonous they are.", "Yeah, I hate it, but I know I need them to live normally", "Yes! A part of me still really believes in certain fantastical ideas, even when I can discern them as most likely not being real. I like to describe it as having two brains who're constantly debating over what's true, and what isn't.", "Each week I get two massive anxiety attacks- one because I have to go to lab, and one because I have to write a report on a lab I didn’t understand. I’m doing fine in lecture but lab is really frustrating and confusing for me (mostly because topics of labs rarely overlap with lecture content)." ], "top_scores": [ 5.835620403289795, 5.4725518226623535, 4.7478837966918945, 4.690823078155518, 4.661121368408203 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents internal cognitive conflict, analytical deliberation, or the struggle to reconcile competing mental perspectives.", "pearson_r": 0.21365485432762862, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8551, "freq": 0.006140969363386176, "mean_pos": 2.9908740520477295, "max_act": 6.730831623077393, "log_density": -2.2117629985385134, "top_texts": [ "Currently in the same boat. I have a D in OChem and I need to make it a B by the end of the semester. I’m so confused and so screwed.", "thanks for your advice. I'm going to sit down with my advisor and have a blunt conversation about his assessment of my performance and what might need to change in order for me to maintain funding. it's a fairly young program, and none of the students in my cohort or the ones above me have ever handled a situation like mine, so i think the faculty have struggled with how to respond and are kind of avoiding giving the situation any sort of structure. if my mental health doesn't improve, i might take the summer semester off. you're right, i'm really fighting the inevitable collapse of my mental health if i don't take some time to get better.", "Applying to grad schools. May have forgotten a very fundamental part of one of them. Hey friends. \n\nIm currently in the (very competitive) process of applying to grad school. I applied to my UG institution and sent everything before the due date. I was feeling like I was on top of my game. For my program we have a supplemental application as well as the application to do on the main portal. I went back today and double checked some stuff on the supplemental application and realized I didn’t send my alma matter my transcripts from community college via the supplemental application. I thought they would have them on file already and I thought this would be fine. I read between the lines more tonight (it was due yesterday) and realize I had to submit my official transcripts from community college to the supplemental application as well, even though I went here for undergrad and they have those documents. \n\nI’ve done a lot of excellent work in this department and I was really thinking I’d have a good shot at getting in. I contacted the advising office but I’m feeling extremely defeated right now. ", "Mindset in high school What should be my mindset in school for getting better grades. One week is full of A’s and B’s and second full of D’s. I am studying chemistry focused school and it’s not that easy. Some people have A’s nonstop and it really demotivates me, because they don’t have to learn. What should i do? Just learn all the time?", "My labmates noticed he was being weird immediately. We spoke to my immediate advisor about it and he said that he could ban him from our lab and we could set up a buddy system, but until the student \"does something,\" there's nothing that can be done. I definitely feel very unsafe. I have to see him weekly and our class is an evening class." ], "top_scores": [ 6.730831623077393, 6.57476806640625, 6.481690883636475, 6.078726768493652, 6.016345500946045 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents academic or professional performance-related stress and institutional anxiety.", "pearson_r": 0.696421997103957, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3708, "freq": 0.005777060067778107, "mean_pos": 3.1692025661468506, "max_act": 8.986330032348633, "log_density": -2.2382930416227076, "top_texts": [ "60 days past due, need 1,500 by the end up business Friday, current payment and past due amount. I made a post on r/borrow and would be willing to offer same terms to anyone here. There I requested $2250, to also help consolidate some loans I have there, with a pay back amount of $2,750 over 5 months. If I lose this car, my world will collapse and I will most likely end up homeless. I'm hoping there is a kind soul on here who can help, but hope all have a blessed day!", "I have been an avid Redditor for 4 years but unfortunately don't have the 1000+ karma needed to post on r/Borrow. I would pay $1200 ($1000 + $200 interest) in return by August 24 or earlier. Although I will (hopefully) receiving my stipend by the 6th, I know for a fact I will be receiving my scholarships for fall semester/my first paycheck from my job at home on or before the 24th, so this is just an added safety net in case the stipend takes extra time to process. I'm willing to provide any lender with the relevant personal information in a private message, and will keep in contact as much as necessary until the money is paid back (PayPal woud be best, but I'm open to other options as long as they are available in this country). Thanks for reading!", "I need to borrow $60, I was in the hospital earlier this week and missed a shift so I'm going to be short my next check, and I'm already down to only $20. I can pay back $85 by december 14th ​ I've paid back $100 in here before, and I've also posted to /r/borrow already. If you can help I'd really appreciate it, I can provide documentation of being in the hospital and my job", "It was a higher amount previously, but I've been figuring things out each day to get by. At this point I may have exhausted all options. I can repay the money along with some interest once I get paid. Although I'd love to split that between this pay and next months if possible. If not, that's ok too.", "A LARGE portion of each of my check goes to making payments to this card but with the interest charges each month I budgeted and itll take me decades to pay it off and cost me thousands. I was in a tough spot, jobless, homeless, and had to rely on the card but now I need to find options on how to pay it off or get a lower interest rate. I have heard of those advertisements about taking out a personal loan with a lower rate and using that to pay off the card then just paying the personal loan off, are those viable options? What is my best option right now, these interest rate charges are killing me and I can barely make ends meet. Any advice would be deeply appreciated" ], "top_scores": [ 8.986330032348633, 8.12545394897461, 7.834897518157959, 7.210665702819824, 6.904688835144043 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the solicitation of emergency financial assistance or micro-loans.", "pearson_r": 0.2664046295612381, "pred_f1": 0.3076923076923077 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6590, "freq": 0.006140969363386176, "mean_pos": 2.9805641174316406, "max_act": 6.278111934661865, "log_density": -2.2117629985385134, "top_texts": [ "I'm about the same. I wake up a few times throughout the night. I was on Seroquel XR which helped a lot with sleep, but I've had to stop so my sleep hasn't been great. When I was in school my sleep was generally amazing, but ever since the panic attacks started, it's never been the same. I think maybe it's just a part of aging, but I can never get the same sleep except on the rarest of occasions.", "The only thing I can say is that being open about it helps because it takes it out of your head. Leaving it in makes your head a pressure cooker. For me the best way to deal with a panic attack is to say stuff out loud about how I feel and let people around me reassure me. It's hard cause I don't want to burden them with it but they seem to love me and care about me a great deal and then sharing your feelings is normal. In fact they say that they want to help me and are glad when I speak out so they know what they can help me with...go figure", "My panic disorder was very bad when I lived at home with my dad and little brother for three years, but it improved in an almost laughably quick fashion after I moved out a year ago. It's still here, it gets worse in periods with poor sleep, too much sugar and too high activity levels (meaning more than two things happens in a week), I can feel it tapping me on my shoulder, sending shocks of adrenaline through my body at times - but I haven't had a real panic attack out of nowhere since my second week of living alone (if this move didn't confirm the SPD-diagnosis, I don't know what would).", "Im positive the 2 panic attacks and the following brain fog is anxiety based because like i said I've had mild anxiety in the past and i don't think i have any other issues. Anyways i was wondering if its normal to feel spaced out and a little slow/ tired a few days panic attacks. I haven't touched weed since but i still feel spaced out. Any insight would be appreciated. I also noticed when i don't focus on my worry i feel a little better", "It gave me a 3 hours long panic attack, made me so tired I couldn't *think*, and also made me unable to sleep." ], "top_scores": [ 6.278111934661865, 5.699752330780029, 5.544995307922363, 5.3118133544921875, 5.291789531707764 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience and physiological aftermath of panic attacks.", "pearson_r": 0.5324227706519767, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9260, "freq": 0.006254691018263698, "mean_pos": 2.923532485961914, "max_act": 6.07956600189209, "log_density": -2.203794070153071, "top_texts": [ "Have had lots of other challenges of course... but I yearn for a connection with someone who has given up a child from rape for adoption. As I opened up to people around me, my support network expanded and I found more survivors. The comfort of hearing the same things I thought were freakish about my coming straight out of another woman’s mouth was like, wow. How comforting. And I crave that with adoption so much.", "Glad to know there are others out there in this waiting game too.", "Anyone get this feeling? Does anyone else get the feeling like you're waiting for something to happen? Something great that will change your life for the better and make you finally happy. But you realize that there's no \"thing\", this is it. What is that? I feel like this all the time. Like I'm waiting on that thing to finally happen to fix it all.. ", "Omg not a Kyle catfish situation BUT I had an ex 10+ years ago (his name WAS actually Kyle though, fuck it), who started sobbing during sex that he missed his ex. Horrible.", "We talk about it a lot and we're on the same page on most of things. This just isn't what I've come to discuss, so if it's not intimacy-related, you needn't (and I discourage you to) advise on that. :) Don't worry, we do not take the difference lightly. --- **tl;dr**: Sexually unexperienced longing for sex with long time partner, probably years away from it because he wants to wait till marriage." ], "top_scores": [ 6.07956600189209, 5.5871734619140625, 5.507075786590576, 5.323525428771973, 4.9120707511901855 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of seeking shared validation or relational resonance regarding specific personal struggles or existential states.", "pearson_r": -0.5569598901419771, "pred_f1": 0.34782608695652173 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7884, "freq": 0.005890781722655628, "mean_pos": 3.099490165710449, "max_act": 7.311211585998535, "log_density": -2.2298269956126617, "top_texts": [ "Just keep in mind, it's pretty hard change but it's worth it. I'm leading a team by myself, and it does a tremendous help. Even when i was being nice to them or at least i think i'm being nice.. They would still be angry at mad.. But then i try to evaluate where i went wrong. Did i give the constructive criticism or did i just hurt them. The only way of knowing is to do 1 on 1 with them and just be open and honest. It's hard at first but you learn through times", "I'm under an NDA, but my job is essentially security. I've never told the boss I have a PD, obviously, but he is well aware of my limitations. \n\nSince I have a lot of trouble working in groups as an equal (I tend to take over projects, hello severe anxiety), he put me in charge of my own small team awhile back. Now I organize and delegate for them. It's worked out better than I expected, tbh. I would even say it's been good for my mental health, weirdly.", "I know my case manager was an absolute god send and all she wanted to do was help those who wanted to do better, which I did. \nI'm really sad not more of them are like her. Cause if they were this country would be a much better place.", "How do you help depressed team members Hello,\n\ni volunteer with a student association and have had experience with committee members being depressed and thus, affecting our work by not responding or not doing their work. \n\nHow do I help as a fellow committee member? How do I balance between helping the individual and helping the association to keep moving despite some members being unable to function?", "How do you help depressed team members Hello,\n\ni volunteer with a student association and have had experience with committee members being depressed and thus, affecting our work by not responding or not doing their work. \n\nHow do I help as a fellow committee member? How do I balance between helping the individual and helping the association to keep moving despite some members being unable to function?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.311211585998535, 6.492967128753662, 6.419142723083496, 6.104936599731445, 6.09346342086792 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of professional leadership responsibilities and the management of interpersonal dynamics within a workplace or organizational team.", "pearson_r": -0.1584546794678928, "pred_f1": 0.13333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6470, "freq": 0.0060727363704596625, "mean_pos": 2.984793186187744, "max_act": 8.604628562927246, "log_density": -2.2166155005383095, "top_texts": [ "I just want to be numb What I'd give for even just a few hours of numbness right now.", "Ive recently been feeling numb and I dont look forward to any of the things I used to. Ive been taking prozac for a couple of years been feeling better just recently ive been feeling this way. Any help?", "Why is so hard to be happy I always feel numb or sad. I remember times when I used to be happy and I want to turn the clock back but I cant and Im so tired of living. I wish i could just be happy and have something or someone to live for", "Why I'm feeling numb randomly? Sometimes when I'm out with my friends I turn completely numb randomly, I don't know why, anyone can relate or explain me why ? I hate when this happen because the only emotion I can try to feel is pain, and this don't help me.\n\n(Sorry if I wrote something bad, english is second language)", "Missing the emptiness and sadness? I just need to know if I'm the only one who feels like this!\n\nI've had depression for about 5 months, a little less maybe. These have been 5 months with almost constant sadness, numbness and emptiness, but the few times I feel a bit \"normal\" I can't even enjoy it because all I want is the safety of numbness and sadness and when I'm happy I miss it soo much, but when I get depressed shortly after I just want to be normal and happy??" ], "top_scores": [ 8.604628562927246, 6.315395832061768, 6.2628302574157715, 6.096138000488281, 5.487192153930664 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of emotional numbness and anhedonia.", "pearson_r": 0.3968173174234481, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7421, "freq": 0.006231946687288194, "mean_pos": 2.907740354537964, "max_act": 7.914122104644775, "log_density": -2.2053762009095332, "top_texts": [ "Unless you’re really burned out. Then I highly suggest a gap year. Just plan it out.", "Gods. I just wanna go & cry into my long white fur girl’s fluff. Her name is Miss. Agnes", "Studying abroad? Hi guys,\n\nI’m a 21 year old uni student undertaking my fourth year. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for a couple years but feel it has gotten so much worse this past year. I can almost visibly see my mental health deteriorating.\n\nLast year i completed a full-time accounting internship for uni and they had wanted to keep me on. Unfortunately, this high stress environment is chipping away at me and seems like its exacerbating my mental issues.\n\nApart from that, my personal life has nothing notable. I have no interesting hobbies, no partner, smoke excessive weed and can hardly make any new friends other than the one’s i’ve established. \n\nSo i’m looking for a change, a significant one.\n\nIn your opinion, is it a good idea to study abroad for 6 months? Yes, this means quitting my job. Yes, that means being all alone for an extended period of time. Yes, it looks like running away. But this seems like such an appealing idea for me and i can’t stop thinking about it. I want to disappear. Even for a bit.\n\nHave any of you had the chance to study abroad? Did you enjoy it or make things worse? ", "This is pointless... Wake up, work, eat so you don't die, work, go home, eat again so you don't die, sleep, repeat\n\nEnjoy your one or two days of \"free time\" by doing house chores that you couldn't do during the week, get some sleep. You're too tired to do anything.\n\nNo days off, no sick leave, no time to raise a family, to go to a psychologist or to simply be a human being.\n\nWhat's the point? Really... ", "Bro, ME!!! Yessss!!! I’m like “okay, but I’m a really that sick I could work a part time at least” like yes dude you are that sick, just get on disability already" ], "top_scores": [ 7.914122104644775, 5.707388877868652, 5.596907615661621, 4.960269451141357, 4.916290760040283 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of burnout, exhaustion, and the struggle to maintain daily functioning or professional responsibilities.", "pearson_r": -0.011629479484287594, "pred_f1": 0.5454545454545454 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8723, "freq": 0.005936270384606637, "mean_pos": 3.051420211791992, "max_act": 6.019388675689697, "log_density": -2.2264862529205707, "top_texts": [ "I think bingeing is extremely common amongst nurses. It’s a high-stress profession and working weird hours doesn’t help anything appetite-wise.", "Im a mechanic and lose tools ALL THE TIME Just now i put down a radiator pick and forgot where i put it. I looked everywhere and tools are expensive asf. I lose so many sockets and wrenches.", "Adderall on amerikkalaisten amfetamiini. Kyseessä on neljää eri amfetamiinisuolaa sisältävä lääkeaine.", "Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th.", "Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th." ], "top_scores": [ 6.019388675689697, 5.989748954772949, 5.558847904205322, 5.133697509765625, 5.133697509765625 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures practical, urgent, or situational stressors related to professional demands, material loss, or immediate housing instability.", "pearson_r": -0.02273575585332592, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8056, "freq": 0.006118225032410672, "mean_pos": 2.958258867263794, "max_act": 5.358041763305664, "log_density": -2.2133744824321897, "top_texts": [ "I think you misunderstood. Your definition of evil was based on the intentions of majority vs. Minority. That is the definition of \"Normal\".\nBy that definition Hitler would have become a saint if his plans to rule the world had worked and he had killed everyone not agreeing with him. The people left would make out the majority and agree with him making him good. \nThe problem with \"evil\" is that it implies that there are universal rules which applies to all beings. Breaking those rules makes you evil. But we have seen again and again how those rules can be bent or even broken over time. \nReferring to an action as evil is often the result of failure to understand that person. Yes, in many eyes Ed Gein in an evil man who murdered people, but his actions were the result of years of abuse to the point where his mind bent bent the \"rules\". \nThe term evil has been discussed since the birth of philosophy are often in connection with religion. There is no common collective agreement on how evil is defined today. It is therefore useless to describe any intentions or actions.", "A few years ago I was in an accident. I mangled the last three fingers on my dominant hand. The ring and pinky finger were only minorly injured, but the middle finger got hit a lot worse. The surgeon told me they could fix it, and they did. But that finger doesn't grip as well as it did before the accident. The fingerprint is interrupted with a couple of scars, and the tendon is weaker even after I got the fine function back. Some things still hurt to do.\n\nTo me, schizoid is kind of like that. Except instead of a pencil or my mobile, it's emotions and attachments I have trouble gripping. I drop emotional exchanges because I'm weaker in that area and my \"natural grip\" is messed up. Sometimes it hurts to try and \"hold\" things. I have workarounds in place for the basic things I'm not good at anymore.", "How to help friend who's going through a possible career ending injury and is prone to depression? My roommate and close friend was recently was diagnosed with an injury that is making it almost impossible for them to work in their field and do what they love. It's possible it could get better and it's possible that it won't. What I'm worried about is this is already something that would easily cause withdrawals and depression (which in my opinion they're already showing symptoms of) and I know they're prone to depression and have a mild case of agoraphobia (in their case it's to do with leaving the house and making concrete plans) as well. \n\n&#x200B;\n\nAnyone else gone through this? Any tips or advice for me to do as a friend?", "My wrists start to itch. My bruises from rock climbing and martial arts remind me of other, past bruises. Nightmares. I had such a fucking nightmare last night. Nightmare on top of nightmare.", "Senior Year Sucks Sorry for the long post. I graduate in 3 months and I am anxious. My high school \"experience\" has been pretty crappy. I play football and I wrestle. Or used to I guess. Going into my senior year I thought it would be the best year by far especially because junior year was so rough, I went through allot of anxiety and depression that year. \n\nThe start of summer made me think that everything was uphill from there and I had started my first job at Walmart and my supervisors all talked to my mom about how I was one of the best workers they've had in a while (my mom works there too) and football camp was great, I thought I had a chance to at the very least start on special teams (It was only my second year). I was talking to allot of people and hung out with my friends almost daily. I was doing pretty good. \n\nThen one day I was driving to work in my grandpa's truck when I got in a car accident. The worst part is how it happened. No rain or wet roads, No fog, No animals in the road, No other cars on the road, literally the most ideal driving conditions ever. I fucking rolled it. I had just gotten my paycheck and it was blowing around in my car because I had the windows down and I was distracted trying to save it from blowing out the window and I went off the shoulder of the road, freaked out, over corrected and rolled onto the road.\n\nLuckily I came out with nothing but a broken hand. But that was enough to make me lose my job at Walmart and I couldn't participate in practice anymore obviously. Also I have a would-be badass scar on my hand but every time I look at it I just remember how dumb I am. I stopped seeing my friends everyday and didn't even want to go to camp anymore because it just sucked not playing. The county fair came around right before school started and that was fun. I saw my friends again and showed countless people my hand and told them what happened which sucked.\n\nSchool started and once again I told countless people the most embarrassing story of my entire life. The doctor said I would be cleared for practice about 3 weeks into the season so my hope for football kinda dropped from there. It was nice to see friends daily again but everyday sucked. I was depressed again and was always in my head. \n\nAfter I was cleared I didn't play all that much so when football ended I didn't care at the time. All that mattered to me was wrestling. We had a new coach who was probably the polar opposite to our last one who became the assistant coach. He had wrestled in college and was something of a wrestling legend in his hometown so we all wanted to make him proud.\n\nThe wrestling season went better. I was wrestling 132 and actually seeing myself in shape and 7% body fat made me feel so much better. I loved wrestling and it helped me not be depressed. I also got a therapist which helped a ton. I actually was pretty happy. The biggest downer was that I only won one match (It was my 3rd year). about three weeks until the end of the season the assistant coach tells me that I was ineligible and I tried to get my grade up but every time I'd get one up, another would drop. I eventually got kicked off the team right before regional which sucks.\n\nWhich brings us to now. I miss football and wrestling so much. They're all I think about, and I'm never going to do either again. During wrestling season I'd go to bed and imagine me winning a match and it would help me sleep. During football season I imagined making some play or doing literally anything and it just made me so hopeful that something would happen. Here I am now, 3 career wins in 3 wrestling seasons and no stats in 2 seasons of football. I wish I could go back in time and change everything but I can't. I feel depressed and anxious constantly. And on top of all of this I graduate soon and will probably never see allot of my friends again. And there's so much more but I already typed a whole novel. Maybe the next couple months will be different but I don't know. I feel like every time I get ahead or am happy some big stupid bull crap ruins it." ], "top_scores": [ 5.358041763305664, 5.178919315338135, 4.953311920166016, 4.911984443664551, 4.874499797821045 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of physical injury, bodily trauma, and the resulting disruption to one's identity or functional capabilities.", "pearson_r": 0.47455475311913253, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7812, "freq": 0.006118225032410672, "mean_pos": 2.9503002166748047, "max_act": 6.542933464050293, "log_density": -2.2133744824321897, "top_texts": [ "Gave up drinking alcohol 10 years ago. When I go out I do like a nice alcohol free cider but I hardly go out.", "Found this while scrolling through my feed. I took a CBD gummy with just a little bit of THC this past weekend. 10mg CBD : 10mg CBG : 2mg THC and it fucked me up WAY harder than I was expecting. I legit was expecting a micro dose because of the low THC and high CBD ratio. NOT FUN. I was so so wrong. Fucking hell.", "Before you unilaterally end a ten year relationship over feeling dissatisfied in ways it sounds like you never told her, you might want to try communicating with her and figuring out together if you can move forward to need to amicably split.", "I have tried so many different things over my 10 years of having this illness. I'm done shopping around.", "I use CBD daily (about 100-150 mg) and occasionally drink alcohol (a few drinks once or twice per month). This is huge for me because I've been addicted to opiates and used a lot of other shit over the years." ], "top_scores": [ 6.542933464050293, 6.123685836791992, 6.09307336807251, 6.014842987060547, 5.8717169761657715 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of substance use, recovery, and personal history with alcohol, cannabis, or medication.", "pearson_r": 0.18640175020652766, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4726, "freq": 0.006049992039484159, "mean_pos": 2.9619007110595703, "max_act": 6.822422504425049, "log_density": -2.2182451250029627, "top_texts": [ "Numbness For the whole month of February I was stressed out and would start crying at any time or place ( embarassing lol). I was in a really stressful situation and when I finally got out of it I couldn’t feel anything. For the past two weeks or so I feel no emotions. I try to distract myself by going out or spending time with friends, watching things that usually made me laugh but nothing sparks in me. When I’m out with people I have to force myself to smile or look interested because I feel nothing and I just keep zoning out. Even when I spend time with loved ones I feel out of it and I feel bad because I am not reciprocating the feeling at the moment because of this numbness. I don’t know what I should do.", "Ive recently been feeling numb and I dont look forward to any of the things I used to. Ive been taking prozac for a couple of years been feeling better just recently ive been feeling this way. Any help?", "Anti depressants for emptional numbness I was curious if anti depressants help with numbness. I have done CBT and found it helpful for depression but for some reason it could not solve or help me feeling numb/apathetic. I dont know why i feel depressed/numb this way, despite having everything in check in terms of uni friends and family. I just wanna feel intense emotion again like jealousy, anger, happyness love, etc. Feel more dead on the inside. Would anti depressants help with that? Id rather not do it but im running out of options.", "On Wellbutrin. Can confirm it has helped my numbness and anhedonia.", "I've gone numb, and it's the happiest I've ever been. Conflicting, I know. I haven't given up on anything. I just was so depressed , so long, often for no damn reason ( damn you, brain chemicals....) I simply went numb to caring. I feel sad, obviously. But it feels like an outer shell emotion. Unfortunately, they applies to other emotions now. I'm just more withdrawn. But, my life is so much easier. I feel, contradictory, happier, with my detachment from it all. \n\nI'm not sure how healthy this is, but it works for me right now in my life .\n\nOpinions? Thanks y'all. Hope today's treating everyone well" ], "top_scores": [ 6.822422504425049, 6.107447624206543, 6.054940223693848, 5.623297691345215, 5.533425807952881 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of emotional numbness, apathy, or anhedonia.", "pearson_r": 0.15804073293140253, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8159, "freq": 0.005731571405827097, "mean_pos": 3.1136484146118164, "max_act": 7.197679042816162, "log_density": -2.241726216864469, "top_texts": [ "50/50 Pill If someone gave me a pill that had a 50% chance of removing my depression and a 50% chance of killing me, I would take it (not just bc I wanna die) because either way I wouldn’t be depressed anymore.", "Ti fai dei viaggi mentali su quello che immagini gli altri dicano invece di leggere quello che letteralmente stanno scrivendo.", "Viaggio per il mondo da solo, sono piuttosto attivo in certi periodi e ho molti amici. Ma quando mi prende non c'è santo che tenga.", "Hey everybody. I'm not really sure else where else to possibly post this. I'm currently between jobs and looking to make money in any way I can, so I was wondering if anyone would be interested in buying a cross stitch commission from me. I can do any type of pattern or design, in various sizes. Here are some examples of things I've made: ", "I'm currently between jobs and looking to make money in any way I can, so I was wondering if anyone would be interested in buying a cross stitch commission from me. I can do any type of pattern or design, in various sizes. Here are some examples of things I've made: I would really appreciate any help I can get! Times are rough and my mental health is not great right now, so it would be nice to have something to work on that would also help me pay my bills and medical expenses!" ], "top_scores": [ 7.197679042816162, 6.423489570617676, 5.935650825500488, 5.625412464141846, 5.437961101531982 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures expressions of existential desperation or the pursuit of financial survival through personal labor.", "pearson_r": -0.11798229454575213, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6543, "freq": 0.00600450337753315, "mean_pos": 2.9669976234436035, "max_act": 6.101192474365234, "log_density": -2.221522834220378, "top_texts": [ "Do you think nervousness can be a trigger? My last relapse was a few weeks ago, and I’ve been feeling great lately. Today I had an interview for a job at my company (in a different department), and prior to the interview I was feeling nervousness I had never felt before. It was so intense. \n\nI just got off work a couple of hours ago and I can start to feel my depression creeping onto me. Do you think the overwhelming nervousness I experienced this morning could be a trigger?", "A relapse after 154 days (5 months clean) I don't know what happened. No cravings the whole time. I was done. I was talking to someone about an overdose I had. A switch flipped and I was sticking a needle in my arm that night. Someone asked me today, \"Weren't you happier when you were clean?\" The truth is I wasn't. I had serious depression leading up to the relapse. \n\nI now realize life isn't about me being happy. It's me being clean so those around me don't have to suffer. It isn't fair for them. They deserve the sober me who doesn't lie and for whatever reason they want me to be around. After that many months they finally stopped asking me about how many days I was clean. They got comfortable, they thought I turned a corner. \n\nThe truth is, so did I. Too comfortable I guess. I'm not happy when I use either though. As I said, to me life is only about the first sentence of this second paragraph I wrote. I don't even want to be alive anymore, because i'm such a burden, but when I'm clean I don't want to be alive anymore either. The thoughts of suicide aren't even there anymore, but I just am. If that makes sense. I have no energy. I have nothing to give anymore.\n\nI just don't want those to suffer around me anymore because of me. My dad killed himself when I was 5. I don't want to hurt those around me like that, but sometimes when I relapse like this I think it would be the better way out. ", "i dont exactly know how i relapsed so i have suffered with depression since i was in the fourth grade and then i always relapse after i get better or happier. this time when i relapsed which was around the beginning of 2019 it was worse than its ever been and people like my therapist and parents keep trying to figure out how this happened again and the thing is i cant exactly figure out a main reason this terrible relapse happened i wish i did. i do know that its a bunch of things that has happened that is causing it but my brain wont work or think about what it all is. is this weird that i cant figure out how all this happened?", "Feel like I have a relapse incoming And I cant stop it. \n\nBeen feeling great for 2-3 months now. Im starting to not feel so great anymore... help", "Just want to say I relapsed this lastJune on opiates after being clean for 6 years. It sucked, but I’m still okay and I feel like my sobriety is stronger than ever now. I wish you the best of luck. You are way bigger than the heroin and the addiction." ], "top_scores": [ 6.101192474365234, 5.798068046569824, 5.4669671058654785, 5.386110782623291, 5.195573329925537 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of relapsing or the anticipation of a relapse after a period of stability or recovery.", "pearson_r": 0.25191384445335313, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6605, "freq": 0.006049992039484159, "mean_pos": 2.94450306892395, "max_act": 6.059962749481201, "log_density": -2.2182451250029627, "top_texts": [ "Has anyone read Dale Carnegie’s “Stop Worrying and Start Living?” If so, what do you think of it?\n\nI started reading it recently and I honestly think it has some pretty good tips on how to control being worried/obsessive", "Math shaped a good portion of my school's culture, now that I think about it. Everyone in anything higher than algebra two wanted to die so I guess the meme was destined to be ", "Exactly. And when you know where it’s coming from, it’s almost to late to extinguish it. It just burns down", "When it comes to planning, it’s like this abstract tangle of blurry ideas is floating above my head, and I can’t make sense of them. It’s impeding my ability to do my job adequately. Should I talk to a consultant or therapist? Would meds help? What strategies or resources can you suggest? I’ve struggled with planning my whole life, but it’s been especially bad the last 10 years. At one point, I had this sickening feeling that I would never be able to “perform” or get the job I wanted because of this mental blockade I experience. \n\nBrain fog is a good way to describe it. But it’s more than that—it’s like an abstraction in my brain that floats around and gets in the way of complete understanding. Sometimes I have moments of clarity, but most of the time the brain fog is dominating. \n\nRight now, I’m project-oriented. I work on whatever project seems most immediate, then I move on to the next one. But these projects aren’t planned in a strategic way, and the process of measuring outcomes is done haphazardly. That’s not good, because I do advertising for a small family business, and strategy and outcomes are vital to proving my worth and to getting a bigger budget for the next year. My lack of organization led to me getting a budget too small to cover all of the things I wanted to do this year. \n\nThis is also a problem when it comes to applying for similar positions—I can show my portfolio of work, but results are key to proving my mettle.\n\nGetting a raise depends on my ability to present a cohesive plan to my boss and then show follow-through. But I get bogged down in abstract ideas and don’t know where to start with dividing up ideas and making an effective plan. \n\nI’m feeling extremely depressed and like I’ve reached the limits of my mind. I feel grieved that the things I want to do and the salary I want is out of reach because I cannot organize myself.\n\nI’ve contemplated being evaluated for a disability so that I could potentially convince my boss to allow me to get professional mentoring. \n\nI would appreciate any suggestions you have. ", "Better ideas on jobs for ADD in 30’s? Every article I read about jobs for ADD people has some pretty grim outcomes. I’m mid career and in a job (management consulting) that is not a good fit for ADD. \n\nThe articles tell us to be in a job that doesn’t pay well (arts and entertainment, law enforcement, food service industry) or requires time consuming and expensive training (medical field and other patient care) that isn’t an option if you’re already in your thirties or forties. \n\nAnother one that makes me chuckle is “be an entrepreneur”: this is risky because lack of a recurring pay check makes it tough for ADD people, for whom budgeting is already a chore. Plus you need start up cash, a business plan, and personal money to float you till you get out of the red. \n\nAnyone have any better ideas? If I could put my life on hold and go back to school to be a medical professional, I would. But alas..." ], "top_scores": [ 6.059962749481201, 5.973862171173096, 5.7761430740356445, 5.704181671142578, 5.585447311401367 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive struggle to manage executive function, productivity, and professional performance in the context of neurodivergence.", "pearson_r": -0.26633805697108515, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8378, "freq": 0.006049992039484159, "mean_pos": 2.943472146987915, "max_act": 5.542896270751953, "log_density": -2.2182451250029627, "top_texts": [ "How often in everyday life do non-depressed people feel driven/optimistic/excited/happy? Not looking for pitiful answers here. Just genuinly interested.", "Well, I can't say that I'm hoping for an update - I do hope that you're well though. :)", "No matter how hard I try I can't stop having weird ass thoughts like these.\n\nEverything in this world, even seemingly simple things like clouds and weather, animals, biomes, volcanoes, etc. none of it makes much sense. Of the infinite ways that things can interact with each other at the smallest levels and these are the results?\n\nPeople specifically are a strange one. Each person is an individual sentience living in this world, none of them can communicate brain-to-brain without some kind of sensory input. Some communication is instinctual but a lot of it is symbols and sounds that we collectively agree on to mean the same thing to everyone. And even then, someone can have a vastly different interpretation of a sentence based on mood, context, upbringing, and God knows how many other things. And somehow the lights are on and everything isn't thrown into chaos.\n\nIt's hard to explain but these kinds of overthinking every little thing in the environment and decisions that humans make is what leads to a lot of the ideas of reference I've had in the past which turn into full delusions of reference during bipolar episodes (the two disorders greatly exacerbate one another's symptoms).\n\nDuring an idea of reference \"state\" which last along time, I can't stop thinking about how everything in the universe for the last 14 billion years has led to this exact moment and *that exact cloud*. At one point when I was in architecture school this volcano in another continent in Iceland erupted and I was certain that I was being counted on by God or whoever *wanted* me to take this volcano and make a building out of it (architecture school) or to write a big long grad-level history paper about how symbolism like speech and writing are interpreted by neuron pathways that are molded from the beginning of humanity.\n\nThat was when categorical boundaries were very loose, but then I went into a psychotic episode and ideas of reference became delusions of reference, reduced categorical boundaries became no categorical boundaries. I thought that I had been chosen by God/the universe to have the ability to analyze the most subtle environmental and social cues like wind or subtle variations in voice to predict the future as if all things were perfectly deterministic and I was learning how to predict the future based off of it. Think prescience in Dune.\n\nBut when these things are strong, it absolutely feels dissociative at some level. I was talking to a diagnostician a while back (psychologist who specializes in giving diagnoses) and he said that derealization can actually come from two main sources. One is anxiety-induced dissociation or \"surrealization\" (this is what DP/DR is), or it can come from psychotic or schizotypal experiences in which people have difficulty with categorical boundaries in the environment and all sensory stimuli comes in with the same strength. It makes everything look and feel... off. One primary difference is that anxious derealization has a trigger while schizotypal derealization just happens as part of the disorder (whether it's STPD, schizophrenia, or another psychotic disorder)\n\nSo yeah, I relate strongly to this post. Nothing makes sense, yet it does. I try to just accept it as what's happening and try to move on. I just wish the acceptance and putting together of the world was automatic like it used to be and not take up so much RAM like it does now.", "Validation and how to validate someone’s opinion, belief or experience even if you disagree without appearing patronising, disrespectful or uninterested.", "Yes my Google search history is full of searches like \"what to expect when-\" because I want to know everything that's potentially going to happen before it happens." ], "top_scores": [ 5.542896270751953, 5.347009658813477, 5.286003589630127, 5.215865135192871, 5.083663463592529 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents cognitive preoccupation with understanding, analyzing, or seeking clarity on external experiences and social dynamics.", "pearson_r": -0.21753360542093675, "pred_f1": 0.5185185185185185 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9264, "freq": 0.005913526053631132, "mean_pos": 2.9984984397888184, "max_act": 6.34281063079834, "log_density": -2.228153412006651, "top_texts": [ "Setting boundaries without them being on board and without them getting anything in return might be harmful, so for each boundary you set, ask yourself why it was crossed in the first place and if you two together can find a good alternative that will give them the same feeling and validation that caused the overstep. Communication is key :)", "You absolutely have the right to ask for 2 sessions a week. You don't have to be in crisis. However, just be aware that more sessions doesn't necessarily equal quicker progress. It could cause overwhelm, more emotional pain, and more painful transference. More isn't always better. Also, I asked my T for 2 sessions a week a year ago and she flat out said no, she couldn't do that. It felt humiliating to have asked and be \"rejected\" (even though she had a perfect right to prioritise her schedule). So, bear all of this in mind.", "Okay yeah I didn’t know it was an over and over pressure thing. I assumed it was more of an yeah you could do that. But that is something we’re you should set boundaries in therapy if possible", "My family is like this too, the boundaries need to be followed up with a consequence. Show up at my house uninvited? I'm leaving to go somewhere else. Stay at my home when I've specifically asked you to leave? I'm going to demand that you leave. Your mental health is important, you cannot be putting up with this much stress. Be firm until they get the idea. They don't expect you to hold your boundaries firmly and it doesn't sound like they take you seriously. Time to show them that your needs matter and that they need to get a grip. Worked really well with my family and once the boundaries were in place I was able to rebuild the relationships over time with a completely different dynamic.", "I know this exact feeling, like when things just have to come out and you need more time and space with your T to process. I asked my T recently for increasing our sessions to 2x a week because of this. Even though she said she is trained to offer twice weekly therapy, she said she couldn't currently offer me this. She did say \"I'm pleased you felt you could ask\". So, I don't think they mind if you do ask. Be prepared to feel pretty rejected and frustrated if they do say no though. Like you, I thought, \"I will totally understand if they can't accomodate that. There's no harm in asking\". Yeah well, 5 weeks later and I'm still frustrated about it (especially as I now feel there isn’t enough time each week to process what comes up for me). Ask by all means, but expect it to ouch if they do say no, even if you intellectually understand the reasons." ], "top_scores": [ 6.34281063079834, 5.835173606872559, 5.792116641998291, 5.691542625427246, 5.626811981201172 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the navigation of therapeutic boundaries and the management of the client-therapist relationship.", "pearson_r": 0.5417792626346432, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4373, "freq": 0.005890781722655628, "mean_pos": 3.00838041305542, "max_act": 7.078110218048096, "log_density": -2.2298269956126617, "top_texts": [ "Random question to find If I can relate to the good peeps here Do horror movies affect you, like how some people just close their eyes during a like \"stab scene\". \n\nFor me that shit is just weak. Jumpscares rarely ever get me. I just respond with a blank unsuprised \"Aah\" just for the lols. Things that do get me are stuff that are like actually real, smthing like footage of 2 dudes 1 icepick or just horrific accidents that has guts and blood in general. I just cant find the courage to open my eyes and just look.", "In movies I feel nothing. I've decided to watch an anime bout love and all that shit. It overhelmed me in a lot of levels and I went isolating myself even more. I don't like anime because of that. I don't even know what the feelings bombarded me, but it was too heavy to handle. Go to hell anime.", "Anyone Else treat hallucinations like a casual, every day thing? Not schizophrenic but I do have a non specified psychotic disorder (that's what the psychiatrist said I had anyways) and don't know where else to ask this. Whenever I hallucinate, whether it be visual or auditory, I kind of just ignore it. For me, it's nothing more than putting on pants at this point. I'm still scared of course, but not nearly as phased as I used to be. Walked into the bathroom and saw the floor was a pool of blood, kinda just said \"oh\" and decided to pee later. Tbf it has been a whiiiile since I've had any really scary hallucinations so I don't know if I'd react so casually to those as well. Anyone else do this as well? ", "Anyone Else treat hallucinations like a casual, every day thing? Not schizophrenic but I do have a non specified psychotic disorder (that's what the psychiatrist said I had anyways) and don't know where else to ask this. Whenever I hallucinate, whether it be visual or auditory, I kind of just ignore it. For me, it's nothing more than putting on pants at this point. I'm still scared of course, but not nearly as phased as I used to be. Walked into the bathroom and saw the floor was a pool of blood, kinda just said \"oh\" and decided to pee later. Tbf it has been a whiiiile since I've had any really scary hallucinations so I don't know if I'd react so casually to those as well. Anyone else do this as well? ", "“Because the thing about repairing, maintaining, and cleaning is it's not an adventure. There's no way to do it so wrong you might die. It's just work. And the bottom line is, some people are okay going to work, and some people well, some people would rather die." ], "top_scores": [ 7.078110218048096, 5.977351188659668, 5.034865379333496, 5.034865379333496, 4.763559341430664 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents emotional detachment, blunted affect, or the normalization of abnormal psychological experiences.", "pearson_r": -0.2300756870034077, "pred_f1": 0.38095238095238093 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7092, "freq": 0.005617849750949576, "mean_pos": 3.1466455459594727, "max_act": 9.22723388671875, "log_density": -2.250429802852495, "top_texts": [ "Mornings are hard I’m not sure why but mornings are really hard for me. I wake up feeling defeated, useless, unwanted and just overall tired. Tired of life. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to motivate me to make changes. I wish I had more hope or just a general appreciation for life but I don’t. I just don’t want to be here anymore. Maybe throughout the day I can distract myself from these thoughts until tomorrow when it happens all over again. ", "Are mornings the hardest part of the day for you? Mornings are so hard because i lack the will to start the day. I keep wanting to put off getting up and doing things. I have debilitating chronic illnesses on top of depression and anxiety. My weakness and depression are the worst right after i’m up. Anyone else feels the same?", "Mornings are always the worst. Whenever I wake up, it's as if I'm suddenly thrown in the real world with no prior preparation, and within a single hour I get to feel depressed, annoyed and especially angry. People around me think it's just morning grumpiness, which is cool, but my relationships are detrimental from my perspective whenever I get so annoyed I'm shaking at the smallest, most insignificant comment. It's also the time of day I argue the most with my SO and I'm unexplainably rude to them and distant while at night I'm extremely clingy, obsessive and loving.\n\nI don't know... Can anyone relate with my terrible mornings? It's as if time of day is a switch for my general mood a lot of the time.", "Tip for better mornings: stay off your phone until breakfast This particularly applies to anyone who doesn't have to be anywhere at a particular time, or those who want to speed up their morning routine. I'm self-employed, well, trying to be, and also have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, so starting my day late is a real issue. Not only that, but brain fog and low energy contribute to my negative symptoms. Until recently, when a therapist suggested I not use my phone in bed. Before, I was waking up, and immediately started looking at my phone, then was still in bed 1-2 hours later, getting hungry then feeling tired again.\n\nNow I'll leave it charging over the other side of the room, and not look at it until washed, dressed and about to eat breakfast. It's made my schedule a couple of hours earlier, I barely get brain fog (figured giving my brain calories quicker makes a difference), and I have more energy, which has also improved mood. I get out of bed much faster now. I try not to look at my phone in bed at night either. Bed is now only for sleeping! \n\nMaybe your situation and routine is different, but thought it might help someone.", "Bad Mornings? I've recently had my dosage of Wellbutrin increased to 300mg and 7 days ago I started Serequel at 25mg twice a day.\n\nI've been waking up in the morning and having a really bad time with depression. I just feel so bad and low, it's hard to imagine making it through the day.\n\nDoes anyone else have problems like this? How do you cope? What can I do?" ], "top_scores": [ 9.22723388671875, 8.566484451293945, 8.212627410888672, 7.88644552230835, 7.696552753448486 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of morning-specific depressive symptoms and the struggle to initiate the day.", "pearson_r": 0.46945308409251707, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6562, "freq": 0.006049992039484159, "mean_pos": 2.9215636253356934, "max_act": 6.476144790649414, "log_density": -2.2182451250029627, "top_texts": [ "the chemical balance theory is all bs to begin with anyways. It was a hypothesis in the 70s that has never been proven true, but pharma companies have ran with it", "If this makes you feel better, the next episode actually did show gina heather and Emily comforting Shannon", "chemical imbalance, please adopt So I heard this all the time when I was getting diagnosed saying it’s permanent because my parents have depression, and so do theirs, it’s hereditary. well apparently it’s more than just depression, it’s a fucking emotional blanket, it’s like I’m suffocating and the only thoughts that make it through are the depressing ones. I’ve been on over 12 medications (SSRI’s, SNRI’s, benzos). This isn’t new, I’ve been to inpatient, had CBT and been to group therapy. I don’t know why I’m posting now. I still have therapy every other week for over 5 years now. I’m still depressed, if you have this please think of future children, and the risk you put them at having genes with clinical depression. Just adopt please", "tonight i just sat on a swingset in total darkness It was oddly calming to just get away from everything happening in my life. For a fleeting moment I was the only person in my own world, just alone with my thoughts and the stars above with none of the troubles of the real world. For once I felt truly free.", "Nothing more comforting than the thought of death. Idk I feel like at this point of life, the only thing comforting is knowing I have death as an option." ], "top_scores": [ 6.476144790649414, 5.652472019195557, 5.511820316314697, 5.310191631317139, 5.21480131149292 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures existential contemplation and skepticism regarding the biological reductionism of mental health.", "pearson_r": 0.1828682559634946, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9663, "freq": 0.005686082743876089, "mean_pos": 3.103433132171631, "max_act": 8.168656349182129, "log_density": -2.245186748367797, "top_texts": [ "Pls TLDR. TLDR: TLDR pls.\n\nAs much as I want to support and empathise with you, I can't read through that much text. Can we put the TLDR in bold and at the start of posts?", "Recoop- anyone tried it? Just received a targeted ad for Recoop https://getrecoop.com \n\nSounds like supplements that help with stimulant side effects. Has anyone tried this? \n\nAdditionally, should I just consider buying the vitamins they list for my low budget version of this?", "Please guys... include a tl;dr Seems like not a single post has a tldr. This is a friendly reminder to include one, especially for people with adhd.\n\nTldr; remember a tldr before submitting a post.", "Clicks on post to read about ADHD, but can’t read it because it’s too long because you have ADHD If there is no TL;DR it won’t be read. \n\nA vicious, almost comical cycle.\n\n*almost*", "Just an open request for people to use TLDR. TLDR: it helps me focus on your tings." ], "top_scores": [ 8.168656349182129, 7.098238468170166, 6.970681190490723, 6.913414001464844, 6.460414886474609 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a meta-request for concise communication and accessibility accommodations for neurodivergent readers.", "pearson_r": 0.3947710169758615, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4620, "freq": 0.0061637136943616805, "mean_pos": 2.8593943119049072, "max_act": 7.324786186218262, "log_density": -2.2101574720840573, "top_texts": [ "Muistin oikeudenkäynnin päivämäärän väärin eikä masentuneena kiinnostanut tarkistaa. Kansleri soitti istunnosta, kun olin nukkumassa. Vielä ois kerrennyt, mutta asuin eri paikkakunnalla. Seuraavan viikon torstaina oli onneksi vielä istunto, johon lupauduin tulla. Oli aika yllätys kun sunnuntaina puol yhdeksän aikaa poliisit haki koppiin odottamaan.\n \n \nEi tullut tuomiota. Enkä ollut tuhlannut valtion varoja oikeusapuun. Eikä takiani jouduttu järjestämään ylimääräistä käsittelyä. Silti syyttäjä vaati sen 500 euro uhka sakon toimeenpanemista, koska en ollut saapunut edelliseen käsittelyyn. Kunnon kusipää. Onneksi tuomari ei nähnyt aiheelliseksi.", "I was drying my clothes when.... I didn't close the door to the dryer before I turned it on. I guess my dryer doesn't care if the door is open when it starts drying, but my boyfriend just told me that he closed the door for me and that none of my clothes were drying for the last 45 minutes even though the dryer was on. RIP to 45 minutes of electricity, you were in vain. ", "That means i can't avoid the compulsion to check because... well... if i don't then my house could burn down 🙃", "I managed to burn an empty pot. I pulled a pot out of the cupboard above the stove, set it down on the stove, grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge, set aside 4 eggs to boil, put the carton back in the fridge, turned on the stove, then walked back to my desk while I wait for the water to heat up.\n\nA couple minutes later I notice an odd smell, look over, and *oh shit that's a lot of smoke.* I rush over, grab the pot, lift it off the burner and nearly smack myself in the face with it because... huh, shouldn't the pot be heavier?\n\nOh. \n\n>!I forgot the fucking water.!<", "I managed to burn an empty pot. I pulled a pot out of the cupboard above the stove, set it down on the stove, grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge, set aside 4 eggs to boil, put the carton back in the fridge, turned on the stove, then walked back to my desk while I wait for the water to heat up.\n\nA couple minutes later I notice an odd smell, look over, and *oh shit that's a lot of smoke.* I rush over, grab the pot, lift it off the burner and nearly smack myself in the face with it because... huh, shouldn't the pot be heavier?\n\nOh. \n\n>!I forgot the fucking water.!<" ], "top_scores": [ 7.324786186218262, 6.010949611663818, 5.7141032218933105, 5.231490612030029, 5.231490612030029 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature represents cognitive lapses, executive dysfunction, or forgetfulness resulting from mental health struggles.", "pearson_r": 0.22594277951272776, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9361, "freq": 0.006595855982896263, "mean_pos": 2.6712515354156494, "max_act": 4.97329044342041, "log_density": -2.180728769675843, "top_texts": [ "So now I'm here not knowing what to do. I don't want to call the cops because I don't want my mom to get in any trouble for her gambling habits. So I need some advice for what to do incase something like this ever happens again. **tl;dr**: My mom cuts her boyfriend because he grabbed her by the throat and I don't know what to do. **UPDATE**: After this incident with her boyfriend, my mom wants to move out of the house.", "Racism and police brutality are serious issues in today's society, and I am not racist and have had my fair share of being mistreated by police, so I do care about these societal issues. Having a personality disorder doesn't automatically make you racist, pro-police, etc. Doesn't have anything to do with politics usually. If you're talking about an emotional response, no, I didn't have one for this situation, but that doesn't mean it's an issue I don't care about.", "Oh . Okay. I’ll have to talk to someone about it. Prozac and busbar don’t do shit", "I'd suggest going to a therapist and talk about it. You may not feel like it's really necessary, but actually that's the best time to go into therapy...you know, before it gets really bad. It may not get really bad, but it can.", "Don't get over-involved here out of guilt. Keep your professional boundary as a teacher. Call police and speak with parents if you feel their child needs extra support (professional or not) for the associated distress." ], "top_scores": [ 4.97329044342041, 4.534220218658447, 4.498106002807617, 4.382153034210205, 4.37918758392334 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the theme of seeking or providing external intervention, professional guidance, or crisis management strategies.", "pearson_r": 0.1891124607968583, "pred_f1": 0.64 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 24, "freq": 0.005686082743876089, "mean_pos": 3.0957629680633545, "max_act": 7.985164642333984, "log_density": -2.245186748367797, "top_texts": [ "How do I forgive my parents? This is my first time talking about my PTSD or asking for support on the internet, so please be gentle. \n\nI am recently dealing with a bad flare-up of my PTSD. Specifically, I am dealing with something I previously felt resolved about - forgiving my parents for not catching the signs surrounding my abuse when I was young. \n\nI was sexually abused by a close family friend from 6 to 13 years of age. During this time multiple people came to my parents and said they thought something might be off. Nothing concrete, no evidence, just \"this seems weird\". My parents generally dismissed these warnings. \n\nAt age 13 I got really sick of trying to explain my depression without citing the actual cause and came forward about the abuse. At that point my parents were truly and extremely supportive. They believed me immediately, apologized profusely for their lapse in judgment, and helped me seek legal action and therapy. \n\nAt the time I felt accepting of the fact that they had done their best and failed. I suppose in some ways I felt like I needed the stability of a non-combative relationship with my parents more than I needed to vent my anger. \n\nRecently, (over a decade later) after the birth of my own daughter, and due to some events which have re-triggered my PTSD, I have been revisiting my feelings around my parents a lot. For the first time in my life I am living completely without my parents logistical or financial support. It feels like the lack of dependence has freed up some space to feel truly angry at their failure to protect me. \n\nIn many ways I know that this is a feeling that will pass. Right now I am struggling with how to interact with my parents. We normally have a very close relationship and speak several times a week Etc. Recently I find that I am avoiding contact. I have the urge to explain my lack of interaction, but it somehow feels like it would be destructive to bring it up again after so many years. I spent a long time trying to get my mom to stop beating herself up over this, so turning around and saying \"nevermind I'm pissed at you after all\" seems like it would be a cruel thing to do. \n\nOf course I will be discussing this with my therapist, but I thought I'd try crowdsourcing some support since the number of people I feel I can talk to about this in person is fairly limited. \n\nThanks in advance for any words of kindness or gentle advice. \n", "I had a major breakthrough on Monday and felt like sharing Ever since I've been an adult I think I've had depression and anxiety and all the forms of negativity and self loathing.\n\nWhat happened was end of 2017 I broke up with my then-gf and for a few months was numb to the whole thing. Eventually I realized I had made a mistake and became even more depressed. I tried to get her back but understandably she'd moved on.\n\nAnyway, fast forward to this past weekend; I saw her for one last time and got some necessary closure and I felt absolutely devastated since I still have feelings for her. But I remember thinking about all the self loathin and all the hatred towards myself and how I'd made such a massive mistake. \n\nAnd then I told myself despite all that there was this girl that at one point had loved me with all her heart, despite the flaws. Then I realized there were others too that cared about me: my friends, my family, and so on. And that it was human to make mistakes. It was so jarring to think this way because I realized the reason I was so impatient and judgmental with others is because I was constantly critiquing myself and my actions.\n\nSo I told myself I was going to forgive myself. And I think that leap was the first step in a series of massive epiphanies.\nI realized that a lot of the resentment I held for my parents, my siblings, was because of this. That I'd gotten stuck in a loop of self-righteousness because it was impossible to forgive them (for the same reason it was impossible to forgive myself).\n\nI'm planning on chatting with my mom/dad/sister this weekend separately and tell them that:\na)I forgive them for things they did to me emotionally. they were mistakes \nb)I thank them for their sacrifices and love and I want to return the love\n\n\nI dont know if this makes sense but my god it was such an intense few days\n", "How to reconcile feelings of regret? I can’t help but be constantly confronted with all the opportunities I missed. How do you forgive yourself and reconcile with all the things you never and will never get to do? All the years you won’t get back? \n\nEspecially with everything going on right now I feel I am constantly thinking about all the things I missed out on and all the dreams I had that have been dashed. How do you forgive yourself for what you’ve done and haven’t done? How do you stop those thoughts from constantly coming forth? How does a ‘dreamer’ give up and move on? I feel like I’ve broken my own heart and don’t know how to fix it, and it gets in the way of the things in my life that actually are wonderful. But no matter what I do I feel those thoughts constantly bringing me down and overwhelming me with sadness.", "You know how else to forgive? Practice it on others who have wronged you. It's the way", "How to forgive? Sorry this is long, there's a lot to the story but I do hope you read it. I just need to hear from someone who understands what I'm going through.\n\nThis past October, my boyfriend cheated on me. Not physically, but he asked another girl out on a date while we were having some issues and he struggled to communicate with me what he was going through. I found text messages to this girl by going through his phone, intending to get some sense of what was going through his head because he never talked to me about his feelings (I know, that was wrong- consider it a lesson learned). When I saw it, it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest. The girl rejected him, but he still broke up with me revealing that he was unhappy and wanted to figure things out alone. I literally begged him to stay with me and work through things. He agreed, telling me he loved me, and I went home for a weekend (we went to the same college at the time). He ended up taking that same girl to his this formal dance his sports team throws every semester, that his brother and sister went as well. When I found out, we broke up again because he completely lied to me.\n\nWe never really separated after that. We were living two houses down from one another at school and I found it impossible to stay away from him and he was seriously concerned about me, I was a complete wreck. I was on an infusion medication for my chronic illness that was already making me suicidal before everything happened and the breakup itself sent me into a BPD tailspin worse than I've ever experienced (my dr does not consider me a severe case either but it was really the worst few months of my life). I felt a lot better after ending the infusions I was on and left school, it was just kind of the perfect storm. I'm doing much better now.\n\nWe recently got back together officially, but I am struggling to forgive him. Even though he has apologized many times, I do not know how to move past this hurt. Little things still trigger me. I never expected it to happen and he completely caught me off guard. I transferred to a school closer to home and now we're in a long distance relationship, so we have developed much healthier boundaries than we had up at school. \n\nI have lost a lot of self confidence, and I felt like that girl was literally everything I am not. Pretty, skinny, social, smart. I was humiliated that his family was there and that I still begged him to stay when I should have walked away. I knew we were struggling, but he was always really adamant that we would work through it so I was blindsided. I have been working really hard to rely on myself and love myself again. I have lost a lot of trust in him that I do not know how to regain- but I want to. We've been together for 2 and a half years. We've been through a lot together, he was there for me when I almost died because of lupus complications. He understands me, he is my best friend. I do really love him, but I find myself constantly on guard and not fully able to let go of the past or feel comforted when he says he will not hurt me again.\n\n\nTLDR- bf cheated on me, after a lot of shit went down we got back together and I do believe he is remorseful but don't know how to let go of the past " ], "top_scores": [ 7.985164642333984, 7.181075096130371, 7.05357551574707, 7.000834941864014, 6.753312110900879 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological process of seeking or practicing forgiveness, particularly regarding past trauma, interpersonal betrayal, or self-reproach.", "pearson_r": 0.600482472863716, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5490, "freq": 0.0059817590465576454, "mean_pos": 2.940692901611328, "max_act": 7.09466552734375, "log_density": -2.2231710123254396, "top_texts": [ "Not just you--I have this sense also. Always have, more or less, at least since late adolescence/early adulthood when everything set in. It used to be much worse and nervier overall before I was diagnosed and went on meds of any kind--I used to constantly feel a sense of presence in addition to feeling like I was being watched 24/7, and spent most of my days paralyzed with panic over this. Nowadays, though, it's more in the background, lower-grade, but it's still there. It's one of those things that \"confirms\" my diagnosis to me whenever I have fleeting doubts for whatever reason. \n\nI cope now and have for a long time by just...acknowledging yet ignoring it, in a sense. I realized at a certain point, or came to the mentality that, even if I were actually being watched constantly, I'd still have to live, just carry on, you know? The \"watchers\" would have something to be ashamed about for violating my privacy, not me. And if nothing ever comes of it (like me being humiliated in front of loved ones or blackmailed or whatever--scenarios I'm often consumed by vivid fantasies, daydream-nightmares, of when I'm doing poorly that are connected to the sense of being watched), it's functionally as if it's not happening--akin to the \"if a tree falls in the forest\" argument. I think accepting the reality of my conditions and being more open about my mental illness has helped as well indirectly--yeah, if someone is in fact \"always watching\", they're going to be seeing a lot that's bizarre, humiliating, and/or looks more sinister or strange etc. than it is. This used to terrify me (I'm comorbid avoidant/AvPD), but now, I can hypothetically explain that, can't I, as just being very mentally ill--given what I've been diagnosed with. And as said, I've had to develop the mindset that, if someone's surveilling me constantly and never does anything with that information that affects my life or that I'm ever aware of, it's as if it never happened, so I might as well live as if that's the case and I truly have privacy, despite \"knowing\" otherwise, deep down.", "This:\n\n>Like when walking past people do you just feel them looking at you and you just dont know where to look. Like from afar I dont know what to do because I'm just thinking about it the whole time and I'm starting to just look down because I tire myself out.\n\nis me. I'm overly vigilant of other people, too. It's not that I sense an overt threat, I just don't relax around others. I'm always alert to what they're doing. On the other hand, I'm usually the first one to see that someone else isn't doing well, so sometimes it's useful in a way.", "Being seen or judged is a big fear of mine. It's this awful cycle where I'm anxious that I'll make some meaningless social mistake like misinterpreting a question and answering something bizarre and people will think worse of me for it, which makes me more anxious and prone to do something like that. It's a rational fear, I guess.\n\nAnd walking through the dark is certainly a bad one for me. I always have that lurking sense of doom around the corner in situations like that, but occasionally my mind will draw pictures in the shadows. Not usually bad things. I'll sometimes think I see my cat walking on the floor in the dark, which he's prone to do on account of just generally being a cat, but it turns out to be absolutely nothing when I turn the light on. But other times I'll catch a reflection in very little light and swear I see something behind me in the other room. \n\nI have a horrible fear of being watched through windows too. This is especially bad at night, but I have heavy blackout curtains I keep drawn 95% of the time during the day just so no neighbors can peer in. It doesn't matter if I'm just doing mundane shit. Just the idea of people knowing what I'm doing freaks me out.", "They're actively looking for weakness to attack. They sit and size up their perspective \"prey\" which often makes them very good at picking up on any social inadequacies.", "Can sit still but cannot stand still No clue why! If I am standing, it is extremely difficult for me to not pace around in circles and move. Standing still without moving is pretty much impossible and feels awful. The weird thing, is that although I cannot stand still, I can sit still just fine (also, I am not hyperactive). \n\nAnyone else? Why does this happen to me?\n\n(Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, has become inattentive type)" ], "top_scores": [ 7.09466552734375, 6.138186931610107, 6.008414268493652, 5.73582124710083, 5.519656658172607 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents hyper-vigilance and self-consciousness regarding social scrutiny and physical presence.", "pearson_r": 0.10166045992028053, "pred_f1": 0.5454545454545454 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2836, "freq": 0.0061637136943616805, "mean_pos": 2.853808879852295, "max_act": 5.6335601806640625, "log_density": -2.2101574720840573, "top_texts": [ "The sun makes such a difference. Wish I had more windows.", "What happens when ... Maybe the sun does rise but what happens when it sets again ? What then ? ", "Life is a cycle of long lasting sadness It seems like everyday is just the same as yesterday and it never changes. I don't get excited for things. Sure maybe things can get me to smile every once and I while but I still feel pain. Everyday I wake up into the exact same situation I've woken up into everyday of my life and I just want it to end. I can't wake up into another day of sadness if I can't wake up in the first place.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nDoes anyone else feel like everyday is just a repeat from the day before and you're stuck in a never-ending cycle of sadness?", "Did anyone else grow up with this illness and don’t have any coordination because of it?", "Can sit still but cannot stand still No clue why! If I am standing, it is extremely difficult for me to not pace around in circles and move. Standing still without moving is pretty much impossible and feels awful. The weird thing, is that although I cannot stand still, I can sit still just fine (also, I am not hyperactive). \n\nAnyone else? Why does this happen to me?\n\n(Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, has become inattentive type)" ], "top_scores": [ 5.6335601806640625, 5.4132513999938965, 5.412652015686035, 4.9863176345825195, 4.861340522766113 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of physical restlessness, sensory sensitivity, or the cyclical nature of daily existence.", "pearson_r": 0.5565421090271799, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2201, "freq": 0.0061637136943616805, "mean_pos": 2.8443243503570557, "max_act": 5.2190842628479, "log_density": -2.2101574720840573, "top_texts": [ "You could compare the impairments of mental illness to those of certain physiological issues as well. Congenital analgesia is an example that I like quite a lot, because it's the complete inability to feel pain; someone with it could experience a great deal of damage to their body and not feel a thing. Though they may not suffer when pain is inflicted on them, such as with a broken arm, they are still affected by it nonetheless.", "The irritation with hair is soooo real. There's been multiple times when I'm tempted to rip it out honestly", "absolutely not! have they heard of temple grandin? she’s an incredible animal behaviorist on the autism spectrum who has done incredible work towards the humane treatment of livestock during the slaughter process. her entire process involves creativity and visualization. read Oliver Sacks’ profile of her in “An Anthropologist On Mars.” furthermore people on the autism spectrum may feel a constellation of symptoms at varying degrees, none of which specify an inability to visualize or create.", "Yes, I’m on ssri and miro, actually the best thing that ever happened to me, I was a shitshow just a few years ago, without my meds I can’t function", "I'm a better person on anti-depressants I know they're not for everyone. I'm pretty fortunate that I can usually manage my symptoms on a low dose and have found that the standard 50mg of sertraline works for me. \n\nWent on a family trip last week to the UK and wasn't able to get my prescription refilled before we left so I had about 10 days without any medication. I used to really enjoy the \"coming off meds\" feeling (after the withdrawal passes) where you feel like you can feel everything and whatnot but you know what? I'm actually a miserable fucking person to be around when I'm not on my medication. I'm constantly on edge, easily annoyed, irritable and bitchy. I'm actually looking forward to going back on my meds because they take the edge off of life and I feel like a \"normal person\" in that I'm not as grouchy and can just let things go. It's only been 10 days without them so I haven't totally fallen to pieces yet but the worst part about life without them is having to live with myself this way. " ], "top_scores": [ 5.2190842628479, 5.119735240936279, 5.070768356323242, 4.831879615783691, 4.831851482391357 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the positive evaluation and personal validation of psychiatric medication and neurodivergent coping mechanisms.", "pearson_r": 0.5352475816454757, "pred_f1": 0.625 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2371, "freq": 0.006095480701435167, "mean_pos": 2.8595144748687744, "max_act": 7.174464702606201, "log_density": -2.2149919681409442, "top_texts": [ "I'm going against the grain here, but I'm gonna say YTA. I'm a doctor, consultant specialist. If there's one thing I've learnt in my career: a bit of humility goes a long way. You are **not worth more** as a human being or superior in any way because of your medical degree compared with your cousins. Heck, you may not even be more intelligent than them. Being petty and engaging in an argument about semantics re: what a \"real\" doctor is, shows that either you are still terribly insecure about your worth and place in the world, or you are a narcissist. I hope it is just the former. As you progress through your medical career, here is a top tip: never, ever, ever pull rank on people underneath you in a multidisciplinary team, and never ever shame people for achievements you deem as \"less than\" compared with yours. I actually agree that chiropractic stuff is pseudo-science and even potentially dangerous. Would I ever directly diminish an individual chiropractor because of that (or try and argue the case with them?) NO.", "You don’t. It’s not really something you “become”. No more than anyone becomes straight or becomes gay.", "Neurotypical is a neutral medical term to describe anyone who is not affected by mental illness. This in itself is fact, it is not “made up”, it is a literal medical term. Your commentary is not wanted or needed for this vent post that many people agreed with. Goodbye!", "And while schizoaffective is a mix of mood and psychotic disorder, it is listed under the psychotic disorders category, indirectly making it a psychotic disorder, not a mood disorder. Aka not bipolar.", "This^^^\nAutistic people with high support needs deserve to have their struggles and needs recognized and respected, im not disagreeing with that at all. The way society is structured is with neurotypical people as the \"default\". It's structured into the label itself!\nIt's the framing of \"suffering with/from autism\", however, that's frankly fucking dangerous. It's long been the rhetorical framework that organizations like Auti$m $peak$ use to advocate for a \"cure\". It's taken up over and over to argue, transparently or opaquely, for fucking eugenics." ], "top_scores": [ 7.174464702606201, 5.692476749420166, 5.291794300079346, 4.955486297607422, 4.898854732513428 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discourse centered on the analytical definition, categorization, and sociopolitical framing of neurodivergence and medical terminology.", "pearson_r": 0.31250801307202963, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4966, "freq": 0.005663338412900585, "mean_pos": 3.0675883293151855, "max_act": 8.933589935302734, "log_density": -2.2469274096373573, "top_texts": [ "Question about mirroring I’m a non-PWBPD, but have known PWBPD and have always wondered about this:\n\nFirst, is mirroring something done automatically or subconsciously, or do you consciously plan it out? I’ve imagined it’s usually planned with some kind of reasoning like, “I know this is wrong, but I’m doing it with good intent, or I need to keep their love/attention until I can properly arrange my life and/or the relationship.”\n\nSecond, do the people you mirror tend to be at least somewhat close to your personality traits, or can you effectively do this with people you have nothing in common with and/or even seriously dislike?", "What I do in order to mirror someone is first copy their body positions, if they seat I will seat as well, if they hug themselves in a protective style I would too, if they seat openly I would too, then I start a conversation, I prefer to copy their tone of voice, but because humans are social animals if I start to pull slowly towards relaxation most likely they will follow because they to mirror without releasing it, I don’t know you personally so I don’t know what I will mirror, but check in with yourself when you are with different people, most likely your behaviour changes slightly, you are not fake for doing it, you mirror the people around you, and it’s absolutely normal", "3. No, but i can spot when I can't mirror someone, in case i have nothing to mirror i usually think about one of the 3: cluster B, autistic spectrum or drugs, yet to fail me", "What if our perception is skewed when looking at the mirror and not the other way around?", "I sometimes jump in the mirror I had to get this out. I am a junior in college and I like to jump in the mirror and just dance to my music but I also sometimes jump and talk to myself and I have vivid daydreams and I sometimes act them out. My mom has yelled st me constantly and I believe this is why she does not want me to move out. I am so embarrassed by this but I have been doing this since middle school and I am tired. I don't really know what is going on but I had to get this off my chest. Thank you" ], "top_scores": [ 8.933589935302734, 7.007321357727051, 6.970215797424316, 6.927502632141113, 6.3254289627075195 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological phenomenon of mirroring, specifically regarding interpersonal behavioral mimicry and identity reflection.", "pearson_r": 0.31772752949305927, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2783, "freq": 0.005708827074851593, "mean_pos": 3.0373358726501465, "max_act": 7.194406032562256, "log_density": -2.243453035863093, "top_texts": [ "NHS (Northern Ireland). How long did it take for your referral to a specialist take? Had my appointment with my GP not long before Christmas. She referred me to a mental health specialist and told me that I’d receive a letter. Still waiting.\n\nHow long did you have to wait? I’m currently seeing a therapist twice a month but I’m eager on trying to further my progression through life essentially.", "NHS BPD QUESTION? They wont help me. For those who have been told by NHS that they are \"too unstable\" for therapy and have to get stable for it to be referred, What did you do?? Did you ever get help eventually?\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI've been fighting this for years. I see everybody around me getting help and having just like months to wait and ive been waiting for therapy for over 6 years now! I've begged and begged for help endlessly but i get nowhere. I feel so much envy and jealousy over people who get help and i feel evil for feeling that way. I honestly just want to give up.\n\n \nMy other disorders (PTSD, agoraphobia, and bulimia) have just been getting worse and worse too so I feel like im getting even further away from being the perfect amount of \"stable\" for help. I've also started getting physical issues from my bulimia, ive developed gallstones from fasting and binging, and I've started getting chest pains and dizziness and hot flushes all the time. Yet still no help.", "I get told I'm being referred, it turns out not to be true. I get referred and added to the list, I need other mental health support in the meantime, getting added to another list bumps me from the ADHD list. It's infuriating. I'm entirely up for going radge.", "You got incredibly lucky. I moved back to Scotland from England in 2011, told the GP about my diagnosis, and got told they wouldn't recognise it. They still don't. I've been added to the waiting list for re-diagnosis several times, only to be removed (without any notification) because I was being seen for other mental health conditions, or because they sent their \"if you don't reply by X date we'll assume you don't want to be on this list any more\" letters *to people with ADHD*.", "NHS waiting list for ADHD referral amid COVID19 (UK) So my GP gave me a ADHD questionnaire and said was happy to put me through a referral. One month later nothing was going on... so I called the GP reception and was told my referral had just been put forward, and that I would receive further information on an email.\n\n I didn’t receive an email or anything but I assume I am just on a long waiting list. I’ll give another call tomorrow but I’m wondering if there might be any difficulties in getting an appointment due to COVID19. If anyone that’s know any private alternatives I could go to as I am really struggling with my studies right now without elvanse or adderal." ], "top_scores": [ 7.194406032562256, 7.1548686027526855, 6.808804035186768, 6.661028861999512, 6.540419578552246 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the systemic barriers and administrative frustrations associated with navigating NHS mental health referral and waiting list processes.", "pearson_r": 0.5344584834401426, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 969, "freq": 0.005913526053631132, "mean_pos": 2.9179697036743164, "max_act": 7.062504768371582, "log_density": -2.228153412006651, "top_texts": [ "Raised in the Buddhist sect of SGI, definitely can get a little cultish.", "I was one of the last Americans to be Gogikaid(spelling?) in the US before the separation from Nikken. I was 5 years old and as we left the temple the doors were closed and never opened again. I grew up in the sect and am very familiar. SGI is actually as far away from Buddhism as I can think of without it literally not calling itself Buddhism. Nicherin Daishonin was controversial as a figure himself, considering him basically declaring he was a reincarnated Bodhisattva and that all problems were basically caused by people not following his Buddhism. As far as modern day, the principal is to gain all you want through chanting the lotus sutra and in doing so surpassing materialism and gaining enlightenment in this lifetime. However, this doesn’t happen, in fact it’s mainly marketed as a wish machine, a solution to every problem, I have witnessed it being touted as a cure for cancer. In some smaller cells, the people are great and there is a strong sense of community. In larger cities the aggressive recruiting, uninvited visitations and shaming are real and never left. Just like most organized religions, most of the controversy was around money, politics, and literally priests accusing priests of drugs and hookers. Petty nonsense and jealousy. They recruit the broken spirited who are looking for spirituality to clean up their messy lives.", "Man kan sagtens blive psykologisk afhængig, ligesom man kan blive af sex, træning og gambling.", "Demigender basically means partially but not completely identifying with a particular gender.", "Mindfulness doesn't work for me. When I'm in the throes of extreme emotion, I cannot practice mindfulness. Even trying to take a second to slow down and pause to try to determine if my emotions are logical or warranted causes pain in my chest and blurred vision until I can give voice to my emotions. \n\n\nAnyone else deal with this?" ], "top_scores": [ 7.062504768371582, 6.8403472900390625, 5.718600273132324, 4.77319860458374, 4.743505954742432 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of specific philosophical, religious, or identity-based belief systems and frameworks.", "pearson_r": 0.5189052270225435, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 818, "freq": 0.005094730138512976, "mean_pos": 3.38289213180542, "max_act": 11.64030647277832, "log_density": -2.2928787298403117, "top_texts": [ "Hi, I've been on Calixta (Mirtazapine 15mg) for 44 days (6 weeks and 2 days) and it's not working for me so i want to quit. My psychiatrist told me to lower the dose from 15mg to 7.5mg for 5 days then quit completely. Since I've been using it for around 6 weeks, is it safe to cut the dose in half? She says mirtazapine isn't addictive and that i won't experience withdrawals... Any advice?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/antidepressants/comments/tx2l81/quitting_mirtazapine/", "Yes, i have been on Mirtazapine for 7 weeks and i am currently tapering off. When i was on 15mg, my muscles were twitching, now that i dropped to 7.5mg, twitching is less frequent", "I know this isn't my post, but i am in a similar situation so i am curious. Since i have been taking antidepressants for 6 weeks (Mirtazapine, 15mg). Do i have to gradually lower the dose or i can completely stop? I talked about this with my psychiatrist, but she says i shouldn't quit, but the medication clearly isn't working and the side effects are not going away, so i figured i should quit on my own or ask for a new psychiatrist.", "Trying to get off Mirtazapine... Please help Hi there, I have been taking mirtazapine 15mg for 6 months now and i want to get off it as I feel as if it made me emotionally numb... I am wondering if the withdrawal symptoms are as bad as people say... The drug has helped with my sleep which is the only aspect of it that i like... I dont feel like its really helped with my depression at all. thanks!", "Hi, I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder recently. They prescribed me Elicea (escitalopram), which didn't work for me, so they switched me to Calixta (Mirtazapine) 15mg. It's been 6 weeks and i don't see any progress, maybe it's still early, but i was hoping for something positive. The side effects are not going away, i am always tired, irritated, my muscles are twitching and i get anger outbursts. I feel like i am only getting worse. I said that to my psychiatrist and she said that it's normal and that she sees a progress, but there is no progress. Yeah, i can leave my bed, but that's the most i can do in a day. Everything is the same as before, except i feel a lot angrier and physically, i feel like sh*t. Since my psychiatrist told me not to quit, i don't know what to do, should i just stop taking them, will there be withdrawal symptoms, should i ask for another psychiatrist ? I would appreciate some advices since i am completely lost right now\nhttps://reddit.com/r/antidepressants/comments/tk16i4/should_i_just_quit_antidepressants/" ], "top_scores": [ 11.64030647277832, 10.766669273376465, 9.950092315673828, 9.20351791381836, 9.120673179626465 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process of tapering off or discontinuing Mirtazapine medication.", "pearson_r": 0.40145231590737884, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6618, "freq": 0.005936270384606637, "mean_pos": 2.891239643096924, "max_act": 5.4505414962768555, "log_density": -2.2264862529205707, "top_texts": [ "Any stories of the time you lost something, and spent way to much time looking for it? I would love to hear your story of misplacing an important item. \n \nI just spent 2 hours outside searching for my phone. It's snowing and there is a high wind warning. \n \nMy phone was in the silverware drawer the whole time. Why am I like this?", "He said he'd be back in the couple hours, never returned. I went down to the bridge spot around 10pm (~3 hours after he expected to return), recognized his bicycle, and left a note with a glowstick taped to it with my address in case he just forgot where exactly I was. Also left word with his next door tent neighbor. It's now been ~17 hours since he left his stuff here, which is obviously important, cell phone, warm coat, etc. I'll swing by the bridge area in a couple hours, but as of last night, his neighbors hadn't seen him since roughly when he left my place to return there before coming back to get his stuff.", "Yeah, I do too. Realistically he's not going to find me, I am way upstate, but I never can know what he's thinking and my brain cannot be soothed.", "Somewhere, these words are scrawled on a desolate psych ward’s walls, and that is where Will’s location is.", "As I see it, the ideal way of solving this issue of missing inclusion (if I'm understanding your point right) would be to make it canon that the character with whom I mostly identify in either show will always remain at least one gregorian calendar year older than myself, or equal to that amount with which I at any given time feel comfortable, in the ebb and flow of my various mortality crises." ], "top_scores": [ 5.4505414962768555, 5.282667636871338, 5.09006929397583, 5.0734782218933105, 4.89840030670166 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive preoccupation with locating or tracking the physical whereabouts of a specific person or object.", "pearson_r": 0.14002800840280094, "pred_f1": 0.18181818181818182 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 775, "freq": 0.005890781722655628, "mean_pos": 2.8794758319854736, "max_act": 6.564772129058838, "log_density": -2.2298269956126617, "top_texts": [ "What can I do to make this more manageable for the reader and helpful for him to actually want to hire me? Thanks! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Dear [Store Manager 3], This is [Synchro_Shoukan], I came in yesterday and spoke to you about transferring from [Store Number] to your store.", "I took over this sub *because* of the mods on NPD telling people to come here.", "Essentially they had a few speakers which ran from people in the organization to the mayor and state representatives. Then they had a short film about the director who was retiring and essentially how she transformed this small barely funded group into an amazingly helpful and essential part of the community. It was without exaggeration insanely inspiring. They then went on to have a slide show with pictures of some of the survivors. Their pictures would appear as the individual told an abridged version of their story and how this organization helped them.", "And yeah that’s me 😂 I got my start here actually. My first couple dozen subscribers came from me posting my first video here. This was the only place I’ve ever felt understood, so I consistently try to direct pwNPD here so they can find some community. Plus as I get bigger I don’t wanna lose my roots LOL", " He grew from a short, stubby, orange haired, freckle faced, awkward boy into a seemingly strong, tattooed, pierced, tall, ginger, man I thought I always wanted. From the time I was 13, I thought he loved me. I didn't know why, but he told me often; on the phone, through letter. I was the girl he thought he could never get. I was out of his league (his words)." ], "top_scores": [ 6.564772129058838, 6.369297504425049, 5.494073390960693, 5.487222671508789, 4.749666690826416 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of community building, professional development, and personal growth within a supportive social environment.", "pearson_r": 0.3372300605285859, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10072, "freq": 0.005731571405827097, "mean_pos": 2.9581692218780518, "max_act": 6.146094799041748, "log_density": -2.241726216864469, "top_texts": [ "Silly stupid white lies Anyone else tell the stupidest white lies. Not even to people you don’t know but your family/friends/partner. \n\nFor example, I will say things to my boyfriend like “____ said I looked nice today” or “____ said this to me today” when they didn’t. I have no explanation as to why I do it and I have no need to do it but it just slips out. ", "Silly stupid white lies Anyone else tell the stupidest white lies. Not even to people you don’t know but your family/friends/partner. \n\nFor example, I will say things to my boyfriend like “____ said I looked nice today” or “____ said this to me today” when they didn’t. I have no explanation as to why I do it and I have no need to do it but it just slips out. ", "Oh I know. Funny thing is, one of his manipulation tactics was to tell me he’s the *“Ghost with the most”* implying he knew *everything*, well that clearly wasn’t the case when he’d accuse me of cheating and other BS. Like yeah, you really don’t know shit dude, shut your stanky ass mouth.", "Also, you’re incredibly ditzy and that gives off the idea that you’re stupid.” Last week, she rudely corrected me in front of a patient and then rolled her eyes and shook her head. The patient leaned into me and said, “What the heck was that about?” I finally got fed up and went to my boss. This coworker is very manipulative and loves to gaslight me. She will say or do something mean and then when confronted, will deny the behavior and go off on all the things she saw me do “wrong” (basically stupid shit that is none of her business anyway. I sneezed into my elbow once and she lectured me on washing my hands.", "Did you seriously not know of this? I'm not making this up, there are legit cases about this. Look up the German guy cannibalism." ], "top_scores": [ 6.146094799041748, 6.115077495574951, 5.866765975952148, 5.478996753692627, 5.387619972229004 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "This feature detects instances of interpersonal deception, social dishonesty, or the recounting of manipulative and confrontational social interactions.", "pearson_r": -0.22798158541481467, "pred_f1": 0.23529411764705882 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9687, "freq": 0.0059817590465576454, "mean_pos": 2.8338840007781982, "max_act": 5.887021064758301, "log_density": -2.2231710123254396, "top_texts": [ "I convince myself everything okay but it’ll all getting too much. Everything is getting on top of me again and I just keep convincing myself that everything’s okay.\nIt’s the only way I can truly cope with what’s going on in my life.", "Is everything even going to be okay It definitely doesn't feel like everything is going to be fine\n\nNot sure how long I can handle this anymore....", "Blaming Everything on Yourself I don't know about y'all but I have a really bad habit of blaming myself on literally everything. Like even when my friends have something bad happen to them I commonly consider it all my fault. I don't really wanna bring religion into but if there is something out there I just know that it truly hates who I am. I honestly just want to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else have these feelings? ", "Blaming Everything on Yourself I don't know about y'all but I have a really bad habit of blaming myself on literally everything. Like even when my friends have something bad happen to them I commonly consider it all my fault. I don't really wanna bring religion into but if there is something out there I just know that it truly hates who I am. I honestly just want to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else have these feelings? ", "I'll never be OK I've tried everything. Therapy, medication, religion, friends, pets, support groups, and even meditation. I have simply come to the conclusion that I'll never be OK. Even if I have some good days, my default setting will always be hopeless, angry, cynical, and depressed. This is just my life.\n\nI guess I've always known my life would end in suicide at some point. I keep putting it off, mostly out of cowardice. But, it's bound to happen at some point. Maybe it's a year from now. Maybe it's 5 years from now. But, at some point, it's inevitable." ], "top_scores": [ 5.887021064758301, 5.710948944091797, 5.052164077758789, 5.051501274108887, 4.866240978240967 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive distortion of pervasive self-blame and the persistent belief that one is fundamentally incapable of improvement.", "pearson_r": 0.2881683586601565, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4710, "freq": 0.006027247708508654, "mean_pos": 2.8046152591705322, "max_act": 5.372426986694336, "log_density": -2.2198808874263376, "top_texts": [ "I see a lot of breathing/undulating textures like in [this optical illusion](https://i0.wp.com/nasco-education-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/01/rotatingsnakes-630x472.png?ssl=1). It can be distracting when I'm focusing on certain tasks like reading, writing, etc. Even though I know things aren't moving, they still draw my focus, especially if they jump. Like a lot of my symptoms, they're worse if I'm stressed, tired, etc.", "Nope, \"creep on\" means being creepy, as in continuing to press your attentions where they're not wanted. If you're not getting enthusiastic consent, stop hitting on that person. And if you're an old man and she's a young woman, the respectful thing to do is not to hit on her at all. If she finds you attractive she'll let you know, but in the far more likely event that she doesn't, just... leave her alone. It's worrying that some people seem so opposed to the idea that you could just leave a young woman be.", "But what I loved about the third book was the lack of purpose and sense of direction! I loved that, as you said, Katniss was turned inside out and was full of doubt and anxiety. To me, that seemed to fit perfectly for the particular situation she found herself in and I loved it because she was such a mess as I found it realistic considering all she'd been through and that this revolution was never truly her fight and not something she truly chose to be part of. ", "Yes! The textures swirling happened to me so much. Anything that had any sort of pattern was morphing and swirling and flowing like a river. Things were moving wrong too, like with my blanket looking like it was bubbling.", "Thank you for this. I'm a client and you've just helped me figure out why I constantly feel my therapist doesn't \"get it\". The other comments about not using the exact language resonates as well. I never had an attuned caregivers, I don't know how to respond to my therapists attempts to understand me. I experience them as bothersome and intrusive, and exactly as you said, they need to be \"swatted away\"." ], "top_scores": [ 5.372426986694336, 5.269069671630859, 4.907443046569824, 4.903668403625488, 4.683983325958252 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of visual perceptual disturbances or sensory distortions.", "pearson_r": -0.18770378225773238, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5570, "freq": 0.005708827074851593, "mean_pos": 2.9507884979248047, "max_act": 9.735710144042969, "log_density": -2.243453035863093, "top_texts": [ "Hi Everyone, We're starting a company that will be operating in the self-help space. Put shortly, we are developing a research-based training program that educates users about the science of well-being and how to integrate the principles into their own lives. We will be providing tools that are both educational and immediately actionable, such as books, YouTube videos, and web-based learning modules. To make this effective, we need some information about your perception of the self-help field, prior knowledge of it, and current approach to your own well-being.", "To make sure your cleaning doesn't consume your life, it might be helpful to set a routine rather than using the impulsiveness to guide your actions. My routine is that after I eat, I clear the mess. After I do laundry, I fold it right away. Every Sunday, I have dedicated cleaning time to do other chores. It takes a lot of time for these habits to set in stone and your 'think it, do it' mentality will come in handy here. My mentality is 'clear space, clear mind'.", "Sick and tired of a boring relationship? Fear no more, because we've got you covered! Our services provide products that can ensure you will never have a repetitive experience with dating ever again! Meet the ASPD individual - a product of wonders, a person who can take you on a ride starting from sunshine and rainbows to a full on rollercoaster of abuse, lies, and everything else that you may never take a rest from! We guarantee you will never feel bored again! Here's our secret: First, we start with our charms, you know you can't resist them. And guess what? We're good in bed as well. Spend one night with our ASPD product and we bet it will make you want more! Our product also comes with a shape-shifting personality, so whatever your ideal type is, our product can become exactly that! Want to feel special and loved? Our ASPD individual can pretend that you matter until you become annoying and useless! Not only that, but you can never expect when your ASPD significant other will take things in a different turn. No more gentle and caring behaviour, as nobody wants that icky lovey-dovey shit to continue and bore the hell out of these two fateful people. Congratulations! You have unlocked the level of uselessness! You are now nothing more than just a piece of food our ASPD significant other can feed on! We will drain you emotionally, make you feel guilt and shame for who you are, and only use you for personal benefits whenever we like! And regardless, you will want us anyway, because we've already brainwashed you to the point where you know you are nothing without our ASPD significant other! Come buy our product now, so you can feel all sorts of differing emotions you've never felt before!", "Damn, this is terrible. It sounds so trite, but I'm sorry for your loss. Reading this made my stomach hurt. My cat is relatively young, but he's special to me in a way truly nothing else has ever been. I don't want to come off like I'm trying to tell you how you're feeling, but I'd be feeling sick and lost if this were me. This sucks. \n\nI've never had to move on. This cat is the first for me. But I know he's taught me a lot. Not just about cats, but also about how to really love someone in a way that respects them and helps them feel secure. \n\nThere's no way to ever quite recapture the way it was with your cat, but maybe eventually you could build on what you got from him. I also don't think that therapy or medication are bad ideas. Actually therapy might be a good way to process it.", "Hey guys I have PTSD from years of emotional abuse and neglect by my narcissistic parents. I am living in their house again now due to some financial hardships (Im 22), I am constantly being triggered and am experiencing intensified symptoms. Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this situation? I feel completely trapped, I need to figure out how to manage these symptoms because they're really getting in the way of my functioning. Sorry for the lack of detail/emotion but I am so drained." ], "top_scores": [ 9.735710144042969, 7.251886367797852, 7.220203876495361, 6.2047600746154785, 5.800198554992676 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies content related to structured advice, professional services, or external guidance regarding personal well-being and life management.", "pearson_r": 0.25748710647776923, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4895, "freq": 0.005731571405827097, "mean_pos": 2.935758113861084, "max_act": 6.317474842071533, "log_density": -2.241726216864469, "top_texts": [ "Does this mean avoidants can't be extroverts? Because I seem to have nearly equal levels of extroversion and introversion, and my symptoms have kinda been making it hard to decide which I was.", "yeh but the avoidance is a symptom that more PDs have. So just avoidance as a symptom doesn't mean it's AvPD. That's why you need to find something more defining, and in the case of AvPD it's actually the cause of this avoidant behavior that is key, not the avoidance itself. Again, it's not unique to AvPD to be avoidant.", "Also, I like Erratic85's suggestion of a comparison of the DSM's descriptions vs the ICD's descriptions, using that \"The Traits Are Not What They Seem To Me\" thread as an example. Specifically, I think it would also be helpful to have some things included from Erratic85 and shamelessintrovert's discussion in that thread (concerning the symptoms and what psychologists are looking for in their descriptions) to add to the listed symptoms.", "However, not all psychologists abide by that, and to my knowledge there is no such exclusion criteria present for the PDM-II or the ICD-10, which are commonly used alongside or in lieu of the DSM-V", "And, iirc, avoidant used to be considered a type of schizoid, right?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.317474842071533, 6.183320045471191, 5.783819675445557, 5.6783976554870605, 5.037822246551514 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the clinical classification, diagnostic criteria, and theoretical distinctions of personality disorders.", "pearson_r": 0.56620016219348, "pred_f1": 0.7058823529411765 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2637, "freq": 0.006049992039484159, "mean_pos": 2.7747037410736084, "max_act": 5.797597885131836, "log_density": -2.2182451250029627, "top_texts": [ "I experience affective empathy towards animals but I think this is not about cognitive empathy. Because otherwise, my cognitive empathy is fine.", "I have an alternate theory. I think it's possible to feel good mentally but not physically. Mentally I felt genuinely good on vegan but physically I had low energy. I was eating a lot of fiber though that I normally wouldn't have and maybe that improved my mood. 90% of the body's serotonin is found in the gut along with 50% of the dopamine. If you're vegan and eating a lot of fiber then maybe this could be improving your overall mood. I just make sure to eat more fiber now while still eating meat.", "My affective empathy is lacking, and if I do feel anything towards people in these situations, it does not feel like it registers for me. My cognitive empathy makes up for that deficit, though.", "I like physical intimacy, it feels good and it's probably the only way that I could express affection comfortably, since I really don't care for the emotionally intimate ways to express affection (buying a thoughtful gift, sweet-talking, etc.)", "I needed to be reminded of this today, so thank you. I keep forgetting that this is an actual phenomenon, and I keep not understanding why my body can't even handle a simple walk some days." ], "top_scores": [ 5.797597885131836, 5.62439489364624, 4.635221481323242, 4.597598552703857, 4.543539047241211 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the distinction between cognitive and affective processing, particularly regarding empathy, physical sensations, and emotional regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.38960321373604434, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1629, "freq": 0.005686082743876089, "mean_pos": 2.948795795440674, "max_act": 5.786358833312988, "log_density": -2.245186748367797, "top_texts": [ "i see, thank you. based on my symptoms i think my kidney function is fine, i have a kidney disease so i am required to have quarterly checks nevertheless. \ni wasn't actually aware a lithium od was not lethal, i've been told by numerous psychiatrists that it would be the most lethal out of my psych medications.", "Oh yeah, thank you. I've written that down on the list I plan to take to my appointment. I thought this passivity was more in the way of \"doesn't flip out in even serious life change circumstances,\" but I have that trait anyway, so maybe it is related.", "All the time. I’m a guy and people often think I’m wearing lipstick because of how red my lips always are from picking 😩", "My work colleagues and I just booked flights we didn't had clearence yet My work colleagues and I wanted to book flights for a business trip since several days. We do this frequently these times, so fair enough. \n\nYet, due to high prices, I made the suggestion to stay a night longer there than the project manager booked our hotel initially. So this conditioned obviously that my PM inquired the hotel to book a night more for us already. As I do a lot of administrative work the last days (normally I'm a programmer), I thought I would procrastrinate on the not yet booked flighty, totally forgetting that I actually had to wait for my PMs clearance. So what did I do? I made a ToDo list today with all the things I wanted to do since some days and I ended up not only booking my flights but also telling my colleagues to book it like this... \n\nNow, with some hope, the hotel has room and all works out, otherwise we need to stay in another one or something.. The tickets aren't refundable. \n\nIt just feels so stupid making ToDo lists when I write the wrong things on it...\n\nHow do you guys cope with such situations? Writing even more, complete/enough detailed, ToDo lists will probably lead to even more overhead which I'm already fighting with now..", "I'm on lithium for my episodes and mood swings and I've been on just about every antidepressant I can possibly be on. I got treatment resistant depressive episodes so nothing seems to help." ], "top_scores": [ 5.786358833312988, 5.770439147949219, 5.340453147888184, 5.340312957763672, 5.3153581619262695 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of clinical management, medical treatment, and practical navigation of psychiatric care.", "pearson_r": 0.06643638388299195, "pred_f1": 0.5454545454545454 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6927, "freq": 0.005390406441194533, "mean_pos": 3.093665838241577, "max_act": 10.733611106872559, "log_density": -2.2683784068401933, "top_texts": [ "I personally don't like the spectrum because it is far too broad and focuses more on higher functioning people while the severe low functioning cases just sort of get swept under the rug.", "And it’s a rant but, I still dislike the spectrum. On one end you have people that seem little more than “quirky” outwardly. On the other, you have people who are completely incapable of taking care of themselves. It’s too freaking broad!", "As far as I'm aware, delusional disorder would only be diagnosed if someone presented with particular delusions but no other symptoms related to the schizo- spectrum, so I'd question whether it's even on such a spectrum. It's not just \"better\" with respect to other schizotypal criteria, it's null with respect to other schizotypal symptoms, people with delusional disorder wouldn't meet the other schizotypal criteria at all (except 'odd perceptions/sensations' in some cases). Someone like the character Chuck McGill from the show *Better Call Saul* might be diagnosed with delusional disorder (if not a somatoform disorder, which he very well might, but), as he has the one main delusion that severely impacts his life and behavior but there's nothing schizo- seeming (schizophrenic or schizotypal) about him otherwise--without that 'electromagnetic hypersensitivity, exposure to electromagnetic radiation causing physical pain' delusion, his cognition, behavior and overall presentation was portrayed as normal/neurotypical albeit neurotic in the colloquial sense.\n\n> Basically, there is a spectrum, but it is not a simple one-dimensional spectrum with delusional disorder being \"one degree\" worse than StPD. If your psychologist believes this, please see someone more qualified.\n\nThat's essentially my point in my comment, but expressed much more succinctly than I did. But OP didn't say that the psychologist believes OP has delusional disorder--OP's psych just said that OP's diagnosis was 'one degree more severe' than schizotypal, and OP apparently found a 'chart' somewhere (obviously not an accurate one) that had delusional disorder as just above schizotypal in severity. Whoever made that 'chart' wasn't qualified obviously (there are a lot of BS diagrams and graphics like that floating around websites like Tumblr...) but OP's psych isn't necessarily unqualified, just a point of clarification.", "I often feel it's the people who are higher functioning or have children they don't want \"stigmatized\" as having a disability. The spectrum has become so obscenely broad, both can be true.", "So maybe the things i have seen are about a different type of narcissist than yourself? I know narcissism is a spectrum with different types. Do you know what type you are or where on the spectrum you sit?" ], "top_scores": [ 10.733611106872559, 9.414140701293945, 7.528097152709961, 7.021374225616455, 6.670797348022461 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents critical discourse regarding the utility and validity of diagnostic spectrum models in mental health.", "pearson_r": 0.3094165890566067, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3820, "freq": 0.00564059408192508, "mean_pos": 2.9517340660095215, "max_act": 6.5467634201049805, "log_density": -2.2486750755976628, "top_texts": [ "Cults can indoctrinate anyone. They can replace who you are with who they want you to be to any extent that they see fit. It’s a terrifying thing that they can do. Yes, everyone should be held accountable for their actions. But I do not want to dismiss the impact & influence such organizations have on their members. It turns victims into abusers & it literally can happen to anyone. That is why I feel conflicted. They never start with the crazy shit. It’s a gradual process that makes you disregard everything about yourself & replaces it with what the organization wants to be, think, feel. Who you are & what the cult is becomes a very blurred line. & it’s so slow that you don’t even realize that it’s happening", "Not at all what I’m saying. Everyone is responsible for their actions. People should have consequences for their actions, even when they themselves are victims of abuse. It’s not an excuse to hurt others. But to dismiss all cult members as crazy or stupid causes more people to get indoctrinated into cults, makes it harder for people to leave & recover, & makes it easier for the leaders to escape punishment by throwing their victims under the bus. Our greatest weapon against these organizations is to understand how they function & what they can do to people. I do think you have made some good points, like every adult involved is responsible for their actions & should be held accountable. On that we both agree. Have a good night, afternoon, morning, or evening", "That doesn’t matter. Even though he was a kid, he still made the choice to escape. He told himself he would protect them even as a young kid, and he was unable to. Because if that, he blames himself,", "Thing is anyone can get indoctrinated into a cult. Literally anyone, yes some are more vulnerable than others. But to say that it can never happen to some individuals just makes people vulnerable to such organizations", "Reactionaries capitalise on white and males who feel antagonized. But, from my perspective, I was in a pretty bad place, so I wasn't really in the best position to critically think about what I was being told. " ], "top_scores": [ 6.5467634201049805, 5.779116153717041, 5.654341220855713, 5.601025104522705, 5.480130195617676 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the psychological mechanisms of indoctrination, cult influence, and the external manipulation of individual agency.", "pearson_r": 0.4109240434918073, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8139, "freq": 0.005822548729729115, "mean_pos": 2.854635715484619, "max_act": 6.939852714538574, "log_density": -2.234886793518106, "top_texts": [ "I've tried 4 times today to get help and it all failed Sometimes I really think the \"rules, tips, and tricks\" organizations, people, or whatever tell you about suicide prevention are real bullshit. Sometimes it just feels like it's for a certain kind of person. One who is just real sad, or has a bout of depression, maybe even some anxiety all of which can be managed and controlled with very accessible and normal resources because even then all of those things require some sort of internal will power or the ability of the person themselves to take their mental health in to their own hands, pick themselves up by their bootstraps and all that.\n\nAnd then there's everyone else, who blatantly need help. Maybe they even make it very, very clear that they have a mental illness (as I have done myself many times), maybe it just shows in their appearance and so on. But I cant help feeling left out on my own, to control a fatal disease with the equivalent of over the counter medication.\n\nI have been suffering for 3 years now and it hasn't been getting any better, in fact each year it gets a heck of a lot worse. I first showed symptoms at 16 of having depression (suicidal ideation, breaking things, self harm, and so on), but it didnt get really bad until I turned 19 (as far as I ascertained), I'm 22 now for reference. It doesnt matter how many times I talk, or read a motivational book, that's not enough.\n\nFinally, FINALLY I got a therapist after years of hopping around the shitty mental health system we have in my corner of the world and while I've had some insights, I've spiraled several times. I really needed to speak with my therapist today because I'm trying, I've been making an honest fucking effort for years to live with my ailments. I had an appointment, I wanted to give it another go and talk this out- and it was canceled.\n\nI figured, okay this really sucks, I'm really upset because I'm trying to implement the rules she gave me to help myself, I went to my partner to open up to him (which is so fucking hard for me to do) and again i got dismissed because he has to much work to do to listen to me talk about my issues I guess. \n\nLet me make it a point that I have been studying my mental degradation for years, so I know how to identify my triggers, I know how to track my symptoms and so on (this has been without the aid of a professional because for a long time I couldn't afford it). I knew things were getting bad because I was suddenly getting progressively weaker (a symptom), I was already feeling low because it takes me a while to get to a normal state after I have a breakdown (which I did days prior). Food started to disgust me and all I wanted was to lay down which I did, I slept. When I got up, I mustered up the energy to call a lifeline - apparently the lifeline only handles a specific section of society and the man said \"I can get you a number.\" To which I hung up.\n\nFinally, I called another lifeline, the national one everyone always puts in their captions, youtube description boxes, and so on.\n\nThere's 40 people ahead of me.\n\nI'm exhausted with trying, I dont want to try, I want to drift away into nonexistence. I want to disappear. I dont want to hear GaryVee or Tony Robin's, or whoever the fuck. I dont want to journal my feelings, I don't want to \"reachout\" or whatever the fuck that means.\n\nStarvation is the only method I'm comfortable enough with in taking my own life but it takes time. I've been not eating in hopes of fulfilling the fantasy that I will go to sleep and wake up somewhere else. The next I'll try is burning charcoal but that's gonna be a hard one with the quarantine. I live in a 1 bedroom with someone who works from home, whatever I do has to work on me only me and immediately or else he'll call the police.\n\nHonestly fuck all of this. I'm so tired of people telling me to do this and to do that for a severity of mental illness they've never even experienced before. I'm sick of people telling me to hold on and them not listening to me when I \"reach out\" to talk. And the lifeline is mediocre, it's just a bunch of volunteers asking you questions to determine whether or not to call the police.", "People who want to prevent suicide are just as bad as the 'pro birth' pro life crowd Meaning that...you have these people who are soooo pro life...you better have that baby. They'll attend marches, share Facebook statuses, get into arguments, they're so against abortion but once you actually have that baby...do they do anything to help? No. They just want you to have that baby at all costs but then hey you're on your own. \n\nSame as people who are suicide prevention...they'll attend suicide prevention walks, share Facebook statuses, tell people that suicide is wrong, they must not commit suicide at any cost but then...once you don't kill yourself...do they try to engage with you? Do they try to fix the fundamental problems in society that make people depressed? No. You're alone again. Okay you didn't kill yourself....now what. Those people who will fight tooth and nail to keep you alive don't actually help to make life worth living. It's just a chance to get likes. A chance to go with their friends to a suicide awareness walk to seem like a good person. A chance to have a story to tell about how they prevented someone from committing suicide...again to seem like a good person. Just like with the pro birther pro life crowd. It's all about the idea that your life is important, when in reality actions show that your life is not important. ", "How to get taken seriously by psychiatrists So I live in Ireland and our mental health Services are very limited here. I’ve been with my psychiatrists office for 2 years now and barely get any help. I’ve been waiting for DBT for a year and a half now, so I’ve had to go privately for schema therapy. It’s working well but it’s €100 an hour and I go every week.\n\nI’ve had one suicide attempt in their care and was put on a string of medication that haven’t worked. I recently took myself off my Zoloft cause it just simply wasn’t doing anything, like not even side effects? \n\nI’ve gone to emergency mental health hospitals multiple times and when asked if I’m suicidal and I say yes they ask if I have a plan and I say no they say to call a helpline and to leave. Thing is last time I didn’t have a plan either and just did it impulsively. Like I’ve left wanting to jump in front of a car and the motorway is only a 15 minute walk from there. It’s like you have to say the magical words if “plan” to be taken seriously and even when I have they still let me walk out?\n\nAnd every time Ive an appointment im left waiting an hour and a half after it’s scheduled. And my most recent appointment I was told my next appointment is 4 months away and was basically told that they can’t do anything for me and to go to my gp for my prescription from now on?\n\nIs all of this above board like? Idk I’m at widths end I’ve no hope I’m sorry this is so long I don’t blame yous for not reading it probably won’t get a reply. Think I’ll leave the HSE a formal complaint but I couldn’t really be arsed, no energy.\n", "It’s the severity of the crime basically, felonies you will lose your rights as a citizen if convicted and probably get prison time. Can’t own firearms, can’t vote (in most states). \n\nMisdemeanors are basically slaps on the wrist usually you will get some probation and probably have to pay some fines unless they are domestic in nature then you will have to go to domestic abuse and or anger management classes and be treated like a piece of shit for for awhile. \n\nThey have more ways to ruin your life including forcing you for a psych evaluation that they will use against you if you get diagnosed with something like ASPD they have you coming and going. They will attack your finances, your freedom, your rights, and your mental health what do you have left? They can and will ruin your life and typically the punishment is way worse than the crime you committed. I just wouldn’t go there", "i really need some advice with cutting off a depressed/suicidal person i understand depression n have had it myself, but it can still be hard dealing with others that have it. there’s someone that i got close to recently, but it caused a lot of trouble with me and my best friend because they had feelings for each other. she’s so upset at the fact that we’re talking to the point she’s ignoring me and feels like a stranger so i told him i have to stop talking to him, even if we’re just talking as friends. \n\nhe’s taking it really poorly and is continuing to message me, saying he understands but doesn’t want me to leave and can barely sleep over the situation. i’m trying my best to say the right things but i feel like nothing is helping and it all sounds too cliche. he also has no support system because he lost pretty much everyone. please help" ], "top_scores": [ 6.939852714538574, 5.9329023361206055, 5.508136749267578, 5.259247779846191, 5.070258140563965 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "Systemic institutional failure and the perceived inadequacy or hypocrisy of mental health support structures.", "pearson_r": 0.43706059937526454, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5321, "freq": 0.0055951054199740715, "mean_pos": 2.969219446182251, "max_act": 7.882540702819824, "log_density": -2.252191648694529, "top_texts": [ "And btw, your example is wrong because it doesnt take into account the gaslighting that you are employing right now. Which is the core of the issue, implying that i could be something without realizing.", "I managed to burn an empty pot. I pulled a pot out of the cupboard above the stove, set it down on the stove, grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge, set aside 4 eggs to boil, put the carton back in the fridge, turned on the stove, then walked back to my desk while I wait for the water to heat up.\n\nA couple minutes later I notice an odd smell, look over, and *oh shit that's a lot of smoke.* I rush over, grab the pot, lift it off the burner and nearly smack myself in the face with it because... huh, shouldn't the pot be heavier?\n\nOh. \n\n>!I forgot the fucking water.!<", "I managed to burn an empty pot. I pulled a pot out of the cupboard above the stove, set it down on the stove, grabbed the carton of eggs out of the fridge, set aside 4 eggs to boil, put the carton back in the fridge, turned on the stove, then walked back to my desk while I wait for the water to heat up.\n\nA couple minutes later I notice an odd smell, look over, and *oh shit that's a lot of smoke.* I rush over, grab the pot, lift it off the burner and nearly smack myself in the face with it because... huh, shouldn't the pot be heavier?\n\nOh. \n\n>!I forgot the fucking water.!<", "It's that and also short sighted. By not telling their ex that they suspect narcissism, by not sitting them down and making them look at the posts of victims, they simply save themselves and barely consider future partners of the narcissist. At best, they'll tell a guy's new girlfriend he's an abusive narcissist AND NEVER SAY IT TO THE MAN WITH THE MAJOR FUCKING DISORDER!", "I made rice and didn't burn it. I gained some self confidence from this." ], "top_scores": [ 7.882540702819824, 7.665489196777344, 7.665489196777344, 5.473855972290039, 5.2570719718933105 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive and emotional processing of personal competence, self-efficacy, and the impact of interpersonal conflict.", "pearson_r": -0.4049711594871913, "pred_f1": 0.5185185185185185 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9014, "freq": 0.005731571405827097, "mean_pos": 2.8888907432556152, "max_act": 5.333505630493164, "log_density": -2.241726216864469, "top_texts": [ "I wish I were more help with your question, but it’s personal for each person. And really what’s the harm of writing in notes and a journal? Puts it into the universe twice at that!", "**Other than that, I suggest a junk/anger journal**. Just something to scribble on/rip up/throw up all your emotions into. It doesn’t have to be aesthetic or anything, it’s merely for letting frustration out.", "But for other ways I say music and making a junk journal. A journal you can just rip up, burn, scribble in, write, cry into. I have one, and it helps sometimes.", "I think it's unhealthy in the sense that you're not really dealing with your emotions. Like it's just another form of avoidance for me. But it's not something I'm worried about. I view it as a symptom of a bigger problem that will naturally go away as I get a better grip on my mental health in general.", "Youtube doesn't help me a lot LOL but good for you then.\n\nPretty similar story but I am beyond that fuck the world mindset. I wanna do better for myself. Do something other than playing video games to deal with my shit." ], "top_scores": [ 5.333505630493164, 4.8790812492370605, 4.841439723968506, 4.730737686157227, 4.665977478027344 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the use of expressive or cathartic journaling as a coping mechanism for emotional regulation.", "pearson_r": 0.5791903007880811, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7334, "freq": 0.005617849750949576, "mean_pos": 2.9354870319366455, "max_act": 5.53521203994751, "log_density": -2.250429802852495, "top_texts": [ "When my daughter was in NICU I spent TOO much time there and I wish someone had told\nme it was OK to leave and take a freaking nap. I felt so judged by everyone for leaving at any point and I don’t even know why. I would be in there sleep deprived to an extreme, in tears, feeling like an extreme failure everytime I stepped away. It didn’t need to be like that.", "It pretty much means I have spent my entire life living a lie. Trying to fit in with people who I can never truly fit in with and sacrificed everything that made me, me. But it has allowed me to have some good friendships and not always make everyone around me feel uncomfortable because I was \"off.\" I think I would have still preferred to have gotten to be myself more.", "[https://www.deltager.no/event/400719#init](https://www.deltager.no/event/400719#init) There's a link to the conference. I'm trying to see if i can get a video of the full thing", "Bisexuals and nonbinary people suffer from erasure, which basically makes them invisible \"nonexistent\" all year round.", "I didn't exactly fit in. I was seen as the weird girl in my family, neighbourhood and school. And I was *accepted* as the weird girl. I had plenty of friends even though a fair amount was often baffled at the stuff I said and did." ], "top_scores": [ 5.53521203994751, 4.997476577758789, 4.915362358093262, 4.854196071624756, 4.58392858505249 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of social alienation, masking, or the struggle to fit into societal expectations.", "pearson_r": 0.23527783600723395, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2778, "freq": 0.005322173448268019, "mean_pos": 3.0956592559814453, "max_act": 7.058351516723633, "log_density": -2.2739108944072313, "top_texts": [ "I had exactly the same transference reaction to my T when I started in May 2022. In fact it even got worse, where I though she was decieving and manipulating me, judging me, that she was detached and cold etc. But I knew this had something to do with my mother, not her, so I pushed through. Just in the last month there has been an amazing shift and finally I can see her for the warm, skilled and empathic professional that she is. We have done an amazing amount of work on my childhood trauma in a very short time, and I'm not sure that it would have been possible *without* all the internal conflict and transference.", "I had an abusive mum so deliberately chose an older female for my latest round of therapy. I ran rings around a previous \"teddy bear\" male therapist and knew I was making life too easy for myself if I saw a male again. Well, right from the 2nd session, she triggered me using one of her techniques that reminded me of an activity my mum and I used to do, so I told her. She stopped using that technique straight away. After that I had all sorts of horrible, negative transference which I never told her about e.g. that she was brainwashing me, trying to influence my decisions, judging, and criticising. I had horrible, intrusive fantasies of assaulting her in the therapy room (which I *obviously* didn't share with her). It was all displaced anger from my mother. Then, one day, in a weird way, it sort of just stopped. In the space of about 2 weeks. This was at the 6 month mark in therapy. It stopped when she did something in a session that was so obviously caring that I couldn't see her as all bad anymore. Now I see her as a rare kind of jewel that has been given to me to help me along in life (and no, I haven't shared *that* with her either). IDK but I'm not convinced you have to talk about transference to get through it. It just feels too icky for me, even the nice stuff.", "All I can say is if you do decide to detrans, IT WILL GET BETTER. I know it feels hopeless. I know it feels like you can't fix it. I had really dark thick hair too all over my body and you would see the shadow even right after I shaved and everything. Laser hair removal has saved my life, I mean really I was suicidal over it. I detransitioned right before I was about to plan for top surgery so I can't say anything about that but I really feel for you. I can't really be sure of what you should do but I would say all this doubting and regret after 5 years on T is telling. The regret was horrible but it has mellowed out for me. I am really insecure about my voice still and the body hair I do have but it gets more manageable. I know it's confusing but just really listen to yourself and you will find what you need to do", "I felt exactly this for months and months with my T. I *wanted* to connect with her because I could see that she was very good at her job and likely had the skills to help me. BUT I was suspicious, vigilant about her facial expressions, tone of voice and any comments she made etc. I used to flinch sometimes when she shifted in her chair unexpectedly or leaned forward. I used to panic if she said anything too kind or warm and fuzzy as well, like she was getting too psychologically close and that wasn't safe. It was a negative transference reaction based on the fact I had a highly abusive mother (violent, not to mention emotionally abusive).", "I have had all sorts of transferences over the course of my therapy. The first was negative. I was suspicious of her, felt judged and criticised. There was then a brief period of idealisation and desperate clinging, being hypervigilant for signs she cared, wanting to impress her etc. Now it's more of a deep love. She's my rock. Just there, just for me. I love her, but in the purest way possible." ], "top_scores": [ 7.058351516723633, 6.421392917633057, 5.963498115539551, 5.819064617156982, 5.642800807952881 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the complex, often volatile, transference dynamics and emotional projections occurring within the therapeutic relationship.", "pearson_r": 0.3185645131818555, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9765, "freq": 0.005185707462414993, "mean_pos": 3.1741983890533447, "max_act": 6.894040107727051, "log_density": -2.285191902669527, "top_texts": [ "I’m fairly new at directly helping the poor. Been creating bags to give out that has food, bandaids, nail clippers, tooth brush and toothpaste, small shampoo and bar of soap, and some items are gender or age specific. But what else would you suggest? I’ve heard of gloves and socks but not sure where to get them cheap and in bulk. I want to create at least 100 bags and do it a few times per year.", "Help! Any tips for packing up my apartment by Friday?? I'm in my last semester of college that only goes home once a year, so as you can imagine I have a LOT of stuff.\n\nI need to book it out of this state because of COVID-19. While I know that at least half of this stuff I don't need/want to keep... executive functioning skills are just not doing what they need to be doing :(\n\nI know the piles: 1 to donate, 1 to keep, 1 to deliberate, yada yada.\n\nBut is there any guide anywhere of like \"How to pack your shit up and get the fuck out of somewhere fast: ADHD edition!!\" or some shit because it is kicking my ass.", "100% I used to let dishes pile up because I was worried the running water would bother my neighbors. Eventually they started being noisy and I stopped caring out of spite but l before that I doubt they ever knew I was there. I was like a ghost.", "My sock situation describes it all!! Mismatched. Sometimes dirty. Sometimes smelly. Sometimes a hole in the toe. Sometimes reused multiple days in a row. Piled up under the couch, in the living room, by the door, in the kitchen, in my bed sheets. \n\nSocks from 4 years ago. Socks that have only been worn once. 50+ pairs of socks in desperate need to be washed and organized. Instead, I buy another pack.\n\nSocks of all kinds: Socks for winter. Ankle socks. Thin pairs. Fuzzy pairs. Knee-high socks. Socks that slide off in my boots. All socks out at all times. Never organized. Refuse to throw out what I don't need.\n\nThankful for the clean pairs. Thankful for the mismatched, but clean pairs. Thankful for the matched pairs. Thankful for the pairs that actually make it into my drawer. Thankful I have socks for every occasion. ", "Sometimes it really sucks whenever I don't have anything else to give to others. But now that it's winter, I started buying gloves, extra socks, toques, and earmuffs at the dollar store. Last week, I gave away 4 sleeping bags that we no longer use. We have tons of them since my family and friends camp a lot... it's just extra. What other ways can I help and give back to the community?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.894040107727051, 6.159255027770996, 6.082287788391113, 5.940995693206787, 5.940602779388428 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the practical management, accumulation, or distribution of physical household items and personal supplies.", "pearson_r": 0.3376755269754757, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9559, "freq": 0.00548138376509655, "mean_pos": 2.996922254562378, "max_act": 7.928765296936035, "log_density": -2.2611097116126575, "top_texts": [ "Prioritizing emails... could use some help. So I'm 33, have a graduate degree, and work in my field as a project manager and technical expert on deployment of HR systems for a consulting firm. My work is maybe 60% client facing/40% internal work.\n\nI get a lot of emails every day. Sometimes upwards of 150. They span all levels of urgency and importance. \n\nI'm having a lot of trouble is with \"losing track\" of important emails. They'll be from important people and broad enough to bed some time and effort to answer. I'll highlight them as important, and experience a ton of anxiety over not having done them yet. \n\nI end up triaging other work issues or rushing from meeting to meeting until I'm finally late to respond to the email. Sometimes I think anxiety over the overdue email makes me push it off longer.\n\nI know this is something my colleagues find frustrating. I find it incredibly frustrating as well.\n\nI've been telling myself to \"be better at responding to emails,\" but based on feedback I got today I have not made any headway.\n\nAny tips or tricks for dealing this this sort of prioritization/anxiety challenge?", "Chrome extension tip: scheduled emails! A couple weeks ago I was writing an email to someone asking for something too happen today. I knew that I wouldn't remember to send the email today, and that they probably wouldn't remember to do it if I emailed them two weeks ago, but I hoped that sending them the email would increase the odds that one of us remembered. \n\nAnyway, I realised that scheduling the email to send later would be a much better solution. \n\nI found the cloudHQ extension that will do exactly that. It has made a lot of things a lot easier. I can write emails when I'm thinking about them, and have them sent when it's actually time for action. There's several other options for email scheduling, so just do a search and pick one. The one I chose is pretty easy to use. It puts an alarm clock button right next to the send button, and you can either pick a day and time, or use one of the predefined future times.", "I've started unsubscribing from emails and my inbox isn't drowning me so much I've seen people suggest unsubscribing from emails you don't read to stop your inbox getting so full... but it always just seems to much easier to do a bulk delete when I get a few spare moments. After all... you never know when I MIGHT want one of those emails. \n\n\n But the other day I decided to take the time to actually unsubscribe from ones I knew I wasn't going to miss. And instead of getting about 30-50 new emails a day I'm getting maybe 10? And I'm still continuing to unsubscribe from ones as they come in. \n\n\n I'm back at uni now, and it's so much more important to keep my inbox clear because I'm organising placements and other important things. When my inbox gets too full I just ignore it and start avoiding checking even when I know there should be something important. So yeah.. if you've read the tip before I'm just going to add another recommendation that it's worth giving a try. \n\n\n TL;DR If you like to keep your inbox at 0 unread messages, try unsubscribing before you delete emails.", "\"Click this link to reset your password\" Anyone else have an inbox full of these e-mails? ", "Emails It's that feeling when you have ten people to message or respond to, and you should have done it a week ago, but things are just too crazy right now, and all of a sudden your reply is a month late even though it took 5 minutes to write... And on and on\n\nAnyone else struggle to manage returning mail and messages systematically and on time? " ], "top_scores": [ 7.928765296936035, 7.863434791564941, 7.273125648498535, 6.6822686195373535, 6.491020679473877 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of executive dysfunction and anxiety specifically related to managing digital communication and email overload.", "pearson_r": 0.371029329140523, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3130, "freq": 0.0055041280960720545, "mean_pos": 2.9831976890563965, "max_act": 5.962434768676758, "log_density": -2.2593113885344946, "top_texts": [ "The Color Monster\nThe Color Monster goes to school\nDr. Color Monster - Anna Llenas", "Has anyone tried Evekeo? I’m currently taking Dexedrine which is 100% dextroamphetamine, but it does really do anything. I’m thinking about trying this newer medication called evekeo which is 50 dextroamphetamine and 50 levoamphetamine, I think having more norepinephrine would beneficial since Dexedrine acts primarily on dopamine and it had little effect. Any thoughts?", "I’m a control freak so pretty good at planing but the second something goes off plan I’m on the “well f@ck it” and I go off the rails completely", "Thanks. Edit 1 - Fuel Receipt As Requested. Sorry for the long responses, I went to spend the night at a friends because it got really cold here! The Police said they don't give out a copy of the report but they gave me an incident number that can be used to verify the report was filed.", "I don’t have a problem planning, just the second something go out of plan I go completely off the rails, so what I do as have a couple of different targets and don’t create a full ass plan just a rough guide line" ], "top_scores": [ 5.962434768676758, 5.341864585876465, 5.225531578063965, 4.954217910766602, 4.900028705596924 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the psychological construct of \"all-or-nothing\" thinking, specifically regarding rigid planning and the subsequent abandonment of goals when disruptions occur.", "pearson_r": -0.027007306464731727, "pred_f1": 0.2857142857142857 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8611, "freq": 0.005777060067778107, "mean_pos": 2.8412320613861084, "max_act": 6.4672369956970215, "log_density": -2.2382930416227076, "top_texts": [ "A greater awareness in general of social influences on your behavior will also help you to catch yourself when you are conforming to how others act. Don’t be afraid to stand out—differences aren’t always bad, especially in the case of not conforming to negative behavior patterns, and the people who appreciate your differences are the people you want in your life.", "People are really coming down on you hard in here, I just want to say that my 5 year old daughter has always had some behaviors that I found frustrating, especially at 3.5. It’s OK to acknowledge that. Your kid will get older and you’ll find more ways to connect with him. Just make sure you take care of yourself mentally!!", "I’m so glad you had those teachers notice and reach out to you. That is how educators should be. The teachers i had connected only with the “normal”’ kids and that was it. I had ONE teacher in high school who treated me well and stood up for me at a parent teacher conference when I was being ripped into and gas lit...and she ended up getting fired for being addicted to heroin go figure. and you cannot forget the past, it’s impossible and would be doing a disservice to yourself to forget it all. ♥️♥️♥️", "The social structure and peer pressure are very strong in the Mormon church. In that sort of environment things that are normally bizarre become normal. I am reminded of the Stanford Prison Experiment [link](https://www.britannica.com/event/Stanford-Prison-Experiment) where people escalated to extreme behavior within less than a week and the experiment had to be called off. The psychologist who ran the experiment, Philip Zimbardo, later wrote a book about it called \"The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil\" aka \"The Lucifer Effect : How Good People Turn Evil\"", "The safest bet is to just describe the person's behavior. People here are more than welcome to relay similar experiences they've had, or offer any advice to you in the future." ], "top_scores": [ 6.4672369956970215, 4.5704145431518555, 4.51787805557251, 4.504922389984131, 4.447986125946045 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the theme of external social influence, peer pressure, and the observation of behavioral conformity within interpersonal or group dynamics.", "pearson_r": 0.05258304820496189, "pred_f1": 0.5454545454545454 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2247, "freq": 0.005344917779243523, "mean_pos": 3.0608253479003906, "max_act": 6.283649921417236, "log_density": -2.2720588898928757, "top_texts": [ "The favourtism is lumped in, because it is what gave him the power to bully and harass the other trainees. Like he was sheilded by these 2 upper guys, which is why he got away with it. - so i personally think the favourtism is valid, as it was a contributor to the bullying.", "\"Motivational\" speeches and positivity/optimism gurus enrage me to no end with their just world fallacy and their apology of capitalism and the status quo. ", "Pessimism is realism. You avert disasters by focusing on what doesn't work. Optimism is delusional and is a receipe for disaster. ", "No se devo vivere fuori Modena preferisco stare tra i monti, che a me piacciono, chi me lo fa fare di stare a Bomporto che non c'è un cazzo uguale ma c'è da suicidarsi.", "Shame connected to depression So I feel a ton of shame and I'm not sure how to process it. I see it come up all the time. It shuts me down and then I feel depressed. and really I feel slightly depressed most of the time. I have tried looking at my childhood and can see that there is shame around bullying. Maybe about being embarrassed about being attached to my mom and not liking it when she would go to meetings.. like I've scanned my childhood as much as I can. \n\n\nAny thoughts on what I can do? Empathy is welcome as well. It's frustrating because I feel like I go in circles trying to look at it but if I don't it still comes up. \n\n\nI've had a regular meditation for years and I talk to friends about this. Even went to a therapist for 6 months and gave up cause it wasn't really addressing it." ], "top_scores": [ 6.283649921417236, 5.8406572341918945, 5.635433673858643, 5.63500452041626, 5.5786519050598145 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a cynical or critical worldview characterized by externalized frustration, resentment, and the rejection of optimistic or positive framing.", "pearson_r": 0.02429249344322912, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8848, "freq": 0.005754315736802602, "mean_pos": 2.838717222213745, "max_act": 5.578051567077637, "log_density": -2.2400062367696907, "top_texts": [ "interrupting? why can i not stop cutting my boyfriend off when he’s talking to me? like i have to get my thought out? it upsets him a lot and i feel like i physically can’t help it", "I don’t know. I just do it, over and over again, until eventually I feel satisfied and then stop. This could either lead to 5 cuts or 40. Which I’ve done before.", "Visual hallucinations and double takes. Whenever I have visual hallucinations, they're never persistent when I see them. When I see them I will quickly look again and it will be gone. Earlier today, I glanced at my thumb and saw that it was all bloody and the skin was flayed off. When I did a double take and looked again, it was normal. This happends the same way with other visuals. Does anyone else experience them like this?", "Jumper Was at train station the other day, heard the transport police talk about a jumper, I could see the jumper at the edge of the shopping centre roof just sitting there, and as I was on the train I just looked at him sitting on the edge wanting to jump as I went in the tunnel. I looked it up later and he was negotiated down luckily. Stay safe folks and don't do anything that'd endanger yourself or others 🙂", "Interrupting people all the time I hate that I do this but I know myself well enough that, if I don't say it now, I know I'll forget it and if I forget it, I will stop paying attention to what they're saying because I'm trying to remember the thing I just forgot I wanted to say." ], "top_scores": [ 5.578051567077637, 5.302449703216553, 5.266762733459473, 5.167174339294434, 5.164853096008301 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of impulsive, intrusive, or compulsive behavioral urges that feel beyond the individual's conscious control.", "pearson_r": 0.33948570612370305, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 858, "freq": 0.005322173448268019, "mean_pos": 3.06890606880188, "max_act": 6.669754505157471, "log_density": -2.2739108944072313, "top_texts": [ "Help me find better ways to teach a technical college course I teach Web Design at a community college. I also have ADHD. I have a class starting on Tuesday where about 75% of the students are diagnosed with or symptomatic of ADHD. I’ve taught this same group before and I love them!\n\nBut learning HTML and CSS is far more technical. I already feed them and bring in toys like squishy stress balls, fidget rings, and legos to help them. I’ve taught this class to middle school students and I used laminated cards and made a webpage (at least the “code” part ) on the floor!\n\nWhat other suggestions do you guys have for learning this sort of material?\n\nThanks for your help!", "So today I learnt I've been suffering with Imposter Syndrome Tl;dr I read from a thread about imposter syndrome, I think I have it, tips for dealing with it\n\nSo complex subject, I originally didn't feel i had this because I had the utmost confidence with myself in my field (Electronics Engineer). But upon further reflection I've noticed this shit creeping into all the things I know and love!\n\nSo within my field I've always felt that I've never known enough to be up there, but when i compare myself to my peers I'm always well above them. So I never thought anything of it.\n\nBut coming away from that I'm also a Rock Climbing Instructor (RCI), and even when I passed that i always sought recognition from those who I saw above me. Even though I had proved myself to get the qualification to begin with. This had led to other people doubting my ability, and they see me as a goofball.\n\nBut even still I see people doing stuff that I would never do as an RCI, but because of the fore mentioned, I'm not trustworthy even though I'm shit hot all of the time.\n\nI've struggled with this as an engineer and a RCI. How do I overcome this? Thoughts?", "I see what you're saying. I'm located in a fairly rural area in the US that lacks access to psychologists and psychiatrists. I agree with you that individuals suffering from the disorders you've mentioned desperately need the care of a doctoral-level mental health practitioner in the form of a psychologist or psychiatrist (hopefully both). The PMHMPs, SWs, and LPCs attempting to wholly manage such patients are doomed to fail because of the patients' need for complex, multifaceted treatment. In my rural area, PMHPMs, SWs, and LPCs are not the norm as the primary healthcare practitioners, but they are often at the front lines because they are the most accessible. I agree with you that they are absolutely not equipped to manage the patients you've mentioned. Unfortunately, especially in rural areas, the lack of access to doctors forces people into the hands of these other individuals who are very qualified in what they've been trained to do but are not qualified to care for the complex cases.", "I heard this somewhere before, but it’s better to let the professionals save people because if you aren’t trained, you can get dragged under water with them as the person uses you to get above water", "My first question when people ask these questions is always...what Jung have you read and what Campbell have you read? I think it is important for context." ], "top_scores": [ 6.669754505157471, 6.224960803985596, 5.880434513092041, 5.574276924133301, 5.390261650085449 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of professional mental health expertise, academic frameworks, and clinical diagnostic concepts.", "pearson_r": 0.033868157259648105, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9750, "freq": 0.005390406441194533, "mean_pos": 3.0283265113830566, "max_act": 7.141421318054199, "log_density": -2.2683784068401933, "top_texts": [ "Die Pillen sollen Jahre lang wirken und bei Raumtemperatur gelagert werden können da sie Gefriertrocknet wurden.", "Det må hårdt at tro man lever i så ond en verden at alle er ude på at narre en. Det er da helt synd for dig lille ven.", "Well, in your current state you're safe. But outside there's all kinds of things happening that make you feel unsafe...you know, stuff like people.", "Vent mindst 24 timer. \nDu er stadig påvirket efter 3-4 timer. \nOg lad nu være med at tænke \"det går nok\". Det er ikke det de efterladte tænker hvis du overser en cyklist eller fodgænger.", "Poem from 6/23/17 six sided shapes and white picket fence gates. circled with banana peel tape.\n\nWatching from above \nthey zip up his body bag on the front lawn. \na predicted fate of a serial killer.\n\nhe robbed their restaurant and knocked out all its light bulbs. \n\nNo one dares to hear footsteps and motorcycles upstairs. \nwithout a care in the world they race across these walls. \nonce bearing fruits,\nnow only hooks remain." ], "top_scores": [ 7.141421318054199, 5.685252666473389, 5.6482672691345215, 5.42687463760376, 5.309561729431152 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects themes of paranoia, external threats, and morbid or violent ideation.", "pearson_r": 0.6108409080825219, "pred_f1": 0.8 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7734, "freq": 0.00579980439875361, "mean_pos": 2.8098156452178955, "max_act": 6.118141174316406, "log_density": -2.236586578103497, "top_texts": [ "If you're stuck and too anxious to move just know that you are always making progress. It's okay to do it in your own way. I'm so grateful to this sub- it was really amazing to see that I wasn't alone in this. Reading other's struggles and accomplishments inspired me beyond belief. So I hope that if you're reading this you can find your own inspiration.", "> couldnt even make it as an online artist selling my hypomanic crafts (im also bipolar type two depressive btw) because the moment it became about money, the motivation left and existential dread set in.\n\nI know exactly how that is. I tend to crumble and freeze up, more broadly, when I'm *expected* or *need* to do something, which is why when my conditions all set in by the age of 20 I had to drop out of university--it just became totally impossible. I think that, unfortunately/paradoxically, I'm *creating* a similar external pressure for myself--one that isn't about money but still evokes much existential dread--by feeling the time pressure and that it's my intended destiny to contribute to the world through my independent creative/intellectual work, which results in not getting much of it done. It's another paradox of many in my whole being that I'm not effectively self-motivated, but at the same time, any pressure or expectations can paralyze me. So I get where you're coming from. I'm glad that (due to a congenital medical condition I got treated relatively early, and the circumstances of my hypermarginalized sexual orientation) I don't and can't have a child. \n\n> Its a constant struggle to find self worth and feel like im even worth the air i breathe, let alone the other precious resources i consume.\n\nDitto. I know I have certain advantages and abilities/talents, but if I can't actualize them in a way that makes some somewhat lasting mark on the world, it will have all been for naught, my whole existence, I fear.\n\n> Youre not alone\n\nThank you. I really hope things somehow improve for you.", "Kindof adjacent to that I spent years believing that my friends and family were reporting my behavior to God who was training me to become a religious emperor.\n\nI made it my mission in life to tell absolutely nobody in case they were in on it and to act as normal as humanly possible to try to stay off God's radar. It also kept me out of the psych ward when I definitely should have went.", ">So, to those of you that are like that: What is it exactly that you enjoy about the leisure activities you do, assuming you enjoyt hem? What motivates you to i.e. read a book of fiction, or to travel? Is the enjoyment you get alone really enough? Do you ever think about sharing it with someone else, or do you ever do any of that with an hypothetical social context in mind —i.e. having some culture for whenever you meet someone? And, if you're really doing it only for your own and solitary enjoyment, does that come naturally to you, or do you have to force yourself to do the things?\n\nReading and writing fiction have a funny effect on me. I'm not *credulous*, normally, but I seem to have extremely permissive boundaries when it comes to imaginary ideas. It's easy for me to accept fictional atmospheres, and think of them in the same concrete way I think about real facts. I think it's because I'm less attached to consensus reality than the average person. Sometimes I think it would take very little for me to lapse into actual psychosis. \n\nWith my other hobbies (I game on console and mobile; read non-fiction; cook; walk and hike), I don't think what I feel is \"enjoyment,\" exactly. The challenge of learning a different framework of principles, and continually tinkering to improve my mastery of it, is what keeps me returning to them. This sub is probably the only \"sidetrack\" I have that I try to use for social self improvement, now that I think about it.\n\nAs for sharing my pursuits with others, if it's superficial (intellectual study, hiking, gaming), and a mutual interest, I will. I'm playing the same game as a couple people I know irl, and I get together with them on the multiplayer function. \n\nBut if someone took an interest in my fiction writing, I'd dodge them. For one thing, I'd assume they were just being nice and didn't mean it. But even if I knew they were totally sincere, I'd hesitate to show my work to them, because I know it's an area of vulnerability for me. I'm protective of it.\n\nAnd yeah, I more or less force myself to do them — even writing, which is probably the one I come closest to truly enjoying. I keep a regular schedule, and I build time for hobby work into it. If I don't regularly practice discipline, I drift out of touch with even basic things like housekeeping. A habitual schedule is the best way for me to avoid losing touch with that discipline.", "Any other (creative) small business owners? First time posting. I'm just so tired and lost, and wanted to know if any of you guys were in the same situation and would like to chat. Running my own creative business has been the best thing for me as working for anyone else turned out to be kind of impossible for me.\n\nMy business is my super focus and I do absolutely love everything I get to create, but of course running your own business also lets you to leave everything to the last possible minute and the stress levels are always through the roof.\n\nI'm very newly diagnosed but of course all of this is very familiar to me.\n\nI don't have any specific questions (unless any of you happen to have a solution for how to solve the mess called my brain) - I would just like to chat and share feelings and whatnot.\n\nThank you so much for reading." ], "top_scores": [ 6.118141174316406, 5.257357120513916, 5.102247714996338, 5.056887149810791, 4.935421943664551 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of creative pursuits, professional motivation, and the struggle to maintain productivity while managing mental health challenges.", "pearson_r": 0.39029124492345935, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7557, "freq": 0.005549616758023063, "mean_pos": 2.9352760314941406, "max_act": 6.637576580047607, "log_density": -2.255736928822946, "top_texts": [ "I'm looking for a silent desk fidgeting device that is actually effective for short people with Adult ADHD. I just bought myself a new chair for my desk after ripping through the fake leather fabric on my old chair a while ago. It hasn't arrived in the mail yet (I bought a super discounted Steelcase Amia Task Chair if anyone is curious.) but I was looking for some kind of foot swing or hammock that I could use with a desk that I can't drill into to stop my fidgeting.\nCurrently my desk is against a wall and as much as I try I can't help but sit crisscrossed or shift positions 5 minutes later and put my feet against the wall and start tapping the wall while shaking my legs or sit cross legging (this drives my boyfriend crazy because I apparently will be messing with a wire hanging down with my toes without realizing it which makes a constant and fast tapping noise). Usually when he makes me aware that I'm doing that I'll temporarily shift back to crisscross sitting; this just goes back and forth like that.\nAnyway, I find it near impossible to sit normal and still without fidgeting unless I'm driving my car and I was wondering if anybody has found a solution to this.\n(Please don't recomend silly things like fidget spinners they don't work for me...)", "I'm fucking paralyzed, and I might have testicular cancer, but I can't find a doctor that will take me seriously enough to confirm the diagnosis and/or treat me. **Potentially relevant backstory:** I've been having testicular issues for the past four/five months. \n\nFirstly, my ***righty*** became inflamed and felt pretty painful every now and then. I went to the ER for it, and they diagnosed me with Epididymitis and gave me a course of antibiotics, as well as an intramuscular shot of Doxycycline. \n\nPersonally, the diagnosis didn't make sense to me. I wasn't presenting with many of the common symptoms or signs, aside from inflammation and pain. When they did my urinalysis before diagnosing me with a *bacterial infection*, they told me my urine showed a negligible amount of bacteria, if any at all. \n\nI didn't have any redness down there. I didn't have cloudy urine, or any discharge. It didn't burn when I peed. I hadn't had unprotected sex with anyone for about a month prior to this- which, as the doctor informed me, is how most men get Epididymitis. He also said it's most common in men that have anal sex with other men. I'm not gay, and tried to relay that information, but I don't think he believed me. \n\nDespite all this, my ***righty*** was more or less back to normal in about a month's time, well after my antibiotics ran out. \n\nBut then ***lefty*** started getting weird with me, and I'm still freaking the hell out about it today. \n\n---\n\n***Lefty*** grew to about twice it's original size, and became **hard**. Squeezing the testicle presented no *give*, and it wasn't painful (then). I also noticed that lefty had a sort of \"grainy\" texture to it, rather than being smooth as it's supposed to be. \n\nI went back to the ER for this and wound up with the same doctor that previously diagnosed me with Epididymitis. \n\nHe asked me to drop my pants and all that, looked at my junk and literally tried to dismiss me by saying \"Oh, that's just a hydrocele, you don't have a torsion. You've got nothing to worry about.\"\n\nI responded by saying that *no*, I don't think it's a hydrocele, and I never suspected that I had a torsion- I don't know where he got that idea. \n\nI then said that I wanted to have another ultrasound done. (I already had an ultrasound on my junk the first time around). \n\nHe told me again that I'm fine, and that an ultrasound would just be a waste of time, but I persisted. He relented and authorized the ultrasound, and I went to have the scan done by the only person that does ultrasounds at that ER. And let me just say, I feel so sorry for that woman. She's the only person they have to do this, and she already had to scan my downstairs bits for 45 minutes about a month prior. I didn't like having to have her do it again, but I felt I had no choice. \n\nAnyways, after the ultrasound, my doctor comes in and *actually admits* he was wrong about it being a hydrocele. Thank god. But THEN, he diagnosed me with Epididymitis. AGAIN. \n\nI tried to ask him some questions to alleviate my devastating, life ruining anxiety/depression about this shit. Questions like \"How are we so sure this is Epididymitis?\" and \"Are we positive it's not cancer?\", but he kept deflecting and telling me \"Look, just calm down. It's Epididymitis. You're gonna be fine, it's nothing to worry about!\" and he gave me **more antibiotics.**\n\nI ran out of my antibiotics **three months ago**, and if anything, my problem has only gotten worse. \n\nMy righty problem was probably just a coincidence and had nothing to do with my lefty, but who knows. All I know is that my left testicle is enlarged, hard, grainy, and now I have pains in my lower abdomen and the left crease between my groin and thigh every now and then. \n\nThat ER doc is the main doctor at that ER, and other doctors only work there once in a blue moon. There are no other doctors and urgent cares that I can reasonably go to. \n\nI don't know what to fucking do. I can't live my life, play with my daughter or feel happy because of all of this. I can't even be 100% sure that I actually *have* testicular cancer because no one will take me seriously about it, but it's the only thing that fits. How in the hell and I going to get medical assistance if the people that are supposed to help me and care about me keep dismissing me? Shit, even if they proved I had testicular cancer, there's not much they could do for me. That ER has only the most basic medical equipment and I don't think they perform many, if any surgeries. \n\nI don't know, my dudes. This is more just ranting/venting than anything, but I just had to tell someone. Sorry if this post is a mess. Thank you guys. ", "I am cursed by my own body and mind. I'm lucky enough to have been gifted enough time and health to get to a point where I could marry a woman I live and be a Father to two beautiful children. But as fortunate I am for this, my body and mind is cursed. Since childhood I've had health challenges appear, one after another. In my family I am definitely an anomaly considering how many health challenges I've had to deal with throughout the years. My sister has had to deal with a fair share of her own challenges as well, but despite how much she abuses her body she's holding up relatively well. Me on the other hand, I've worked towards bettering my life style and it never seems to amount to anything. \n\n\nI'll have the occasional drink, and it's been two years since I've smoked weed. I started working out last year to get in shape, and I've been told I can't do that any more because muscle mass can worsen my condition. I have to start watching my diet -- low protein, watch carbs, lower fats. What is there left to eat? It seems like my entire existence is a Catch 22 at this point, and there is so much beyond my control that I'm resigned in depression and self-loathing. \n\n\nI'm afraid of dying, but more than that, I'm afraid of dying outside of my own terms. I want to see my children grow up. I want to be there for my wife. I don't want to worry my mom, my sister, my family. But every time I go to the doctor it's something new. My bloodwork panel numbers are like a death clock that slowly advances to midnight every time I'm forced to face my situation. It's no wonder I have such an incredible phobia of doctors/health checks. I'd rather just die suddenly without being aware of how and why. \n\n\nBut I have to continue to live. My children deserve a father that supports them for as long as he can. My father did the same for me. It's a constant battle with my anxiety/depression to be there. If I can't even help myself, it feels impossible to help others.", "My dose got raised from 600 a day to 1200 (2x 600 one morning, one night) and ever since then I’ve been struggling with dysphagia. Whether I’m eating or drinking, my throat seems to slip up and struggle to get something down and it’s like a huge, slow gulp that hurts really bad.", "I had a feeling she was the middle. I’ve read frequently they are caught in limbo. Not special enough as the first born or as “the baby” and will often either lash out or be seen as lashing out/trying to get attention because they’re caught in the middle. Not as mature as the eldest but not given a pass as “the baby” so it’s an uphill battle even in healthy, supportive families." ], "top_scores": [ 6.637576580047607, 5.226190567016602, 5.102157115936279, 5.055813789367676, 4.9218244552612305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of living with chronic physical health challenges, bodily dysfunction, or somatic distress.", "pearson_r": -0.014650540413463467, "pred_f1": 0.4 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5838, "freq": 0.005390406441194533, "mean_pos": 3.0200226306915283, "max_act": 7.98291540145874, "log_density": -2.2683784068401933, "top_texts": [ "Is there a doctor in the house? So it's been 3 years on the waiting list in eastern Ontario for a doctor. Never should have paid attention to the let's talk campaign and all the other crap these normies tell themselves to artificially reinforce their value systems.... value systems they clearly don't understand.", "What do you love doing? (PLEASE EXCUSE MY AWFUL ENGLISH IM CROATIAN)Does anyone just like waitning for the night to go for an example skating,go play basketball,anything like that feel free to comment", "Waiting on FP... Does anyone make plans with their favorite person and end up waiting not really doing anything even if its hours.. Usually they'll say it'll be a bit but ends up taking forever and I find myself just waiting.. The more time passes the worse I feel too. I still kind of do stuff but it's like whats on the top of my mind is our plans. Thinking ohh we're going do stuff soon constantly. I only do this with them, if it's a friend I don't really care and do stuff in between.", "A job where I have to wait on someone else to do everything I need doing. I HATE relying on other people to do things I can do myself so it's a special circle of hell for me.", "Mental health system is below average here. What are you meant to do when you get put on a waiting list for 1+ month for therapy? \nI want to get better, but I need help." ], "top_scores": [ 7.98291540145874, 7.384887218475342, 6.702635765075684, 6.067922115325928, 5.972559928894043 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of frustration, helplessness, or anxiety associated with being stuck in a state of waiting for external services, people, or professional help.", "pearson_r": 0.4158268770038134, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8462, "freq": 0.005663338412900585, "mean_pos": 2.8725013732910156, "max_act": 5.290140628814697, "log_density": -2.2469274096373573, "top_texts": [ "I think it’s because I value thoughtfulness very much, but am still a perfectionist.", "Plus, I don't think it's typical for us to show every symptom simultaneously, so I'd say it was pretty realistic.", "Anyway, a diagnostic process through verbal interview can be very accurate indeed.", "cancer > depression I would trade my mental illnesses with cancer in a heartbeat.", "And it is a bit of a shame, because our approach tend to be more problem solving rather than just reassuring. And this sub is evidence of that. Nothin wrong with reassuring but after a while becomes pointless. Knowing how to solve the issue should be of primary concern." ], "top_scores": [ 5.290140628814697, 4.789113521575928, 4.752964973449707, 4.7222900390625, 4.613272190093994 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents analytical, diagnostic, or evaluative reasoning regarding mental health processes and symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.1889868658692172, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 334, "freq": 0.005617849750949576, "mean_pos": 2.89304518699646, "max_act": 6.276318550109863, "log_density": -2.250429802852495, "top_texts": [ "We rely on others for definition. So by writing things like this which indicates a grandiose sense of competence and superiority they are creating the monster they are convinced we are", "Like the only thing holding her back is mental fortitude, I really hope she gets to build up herself and come back realizing how fierce she is and just completely destroys All Stars. She was my frontrunner pick from the first few episodes, her drag is refreshing, she has the humor, and is C.U.N.T. through and through.", "What do you mean? How thinking of yourself as too superior and too smart compared to other would ruin your self-confidence? It would rather increase it and deepen npd traits.", "I feel strong and grounded when I lift heavy weights. ", "I got recently diagnosed with ADHD and I need some information on how to use it medication properly. I'm 19 and i had to redo grade 12 because of failing classes and skipping many classes. I just couldn't study properly which frustrated me because I did not know why I couldn't concentrate. I also didn't do as good as i wanted to in semester 1 because of the same situation however i skipped less and just regretted me having to repeat another a year. I thought I had ADHD before but I thought to myself this was just an excuse of me not concentrating.\n\nIt was around semester 2 when i went to go meet a psychiatrist and did a written test including talking about my past.\nWhen he diagnosed me, he started giving me dexedrine 5 mg IR which really did work and i started studying more and started taking more each day. The most i've taken in a day was around 20-30 mg. By my next appointment he gave me aderall XR (10 mg). The first day I took it i didnt really feel anything however i was less distracted and could focus a bit but not too much. I took 15 mg of dexedrine in the evening however I still felt distracted and didn't get as much work done as I should have even though i felt a bit happier and less anxious (maybe i wasn't motivated but usually i would be).\n\nI still haven't taken a tolerance break because of some school work i have to catch up to including studying for different subjects. What should I do now?\n1) Should I take more medication? (I don't want to abuse it tho)\n2) How long should my tolerance break be for the effects to come back as when i first started taking them? (I felt more euphoria even tho i know I'm not supposed to chase after the \"high effects\") \n3)How much medication do you think is best or what I should try?\n4)I also am curious of the effects of taking this regularly and what the long term effects are for it. What changes will there be in my brain? Is it possible to get better?\nAny tip would be useful for me. " ], "top_scores": [ 6.276318550109863, 5.519595623016357, 5.381613731384277, 5.145681381225586, 4.992207050323486 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures themes of self-perception, personal competence, and the evaluation of psychological traits or mental fortitude.", "pearson_r": 0.3119563753734862, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 928, "freq": 0.00564059408192508, "mean_pos": 2.8800899982452393, "max_act": 5.55323600769043, "log_density": -2.2486750755976628, "top_texts": [ "Okay this might sound crazy but, Doc. McStuffins & Octonauts. Also if possible Oswald. Oswald is something I personally find very grounding", "Mentally ill's people where do they go HEAVEN or HELL Where do people go, for some reason they said if you commit suicide you will go to hell but how about the abuse you went through that you just want that relief feeling that is over and stuff. Would they be condemend because they were abused and just wanted to end it? People will tell you're so selfish for thinking things like suicide but it goes to guilt yo self hatred that you are a burden. When you wanted things for yourself for once and still being labeled as selfish. Just for once.", "Also there isn't a single scientific study that proves empaths exist. I've met plenty of people who *claimed* they were empaths but nobody ever mentions knowing an empath.", "At least two of five main symptoms. Those symptoms, explained above, are delusions, hallucinations, disorganized or incoherent speaking, disorganized or unusual movements and negative symptoms.\nDuration of symptoms and effects. The key symptoms you have must last for at least one month. The condition’s effects (whether or not they meet the full criteria for the symptoms) must also last for at least six months.\nSocial or occupational dysfunction. This means the condition disrupts either your ability to work or your relationships (friendly, romantic, professional or otherwise).", "What statistics say about depression To keep it brief , average statistics say that number of suicides of males is double than that of females in almost every country. \n\nIf you rack up numbers no. of males struggling with depression and loneliness is much higher than women .\n\nEven with women who have depression are those who either were In a relationship or multiple relationships. \n\nMeanwhile there are guys who never been in relationships. \n\nSo isn't it true that females hijack attention from guys, when in reality it's the guys who are struggling ?\n\nOn top of that there is drama of feminism to further mentally abuse men ." ], "top_scores": [ 5.55323600769043, 4.930232524871826, 4.756567001342773, 4.726912021636963, 4.712167739868164 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the analytical or objective discussion of mental health symptoms, statistics, and existential inquiries.", "pearson_r": 0.26250734261130887, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1920, "freq": 0.005253940455341506, "mean_pos": 3.086907148361206, "max_act": 7.8846001625061035, "log_density": -2.279514770865477, "top_texts": [ "Actually, his mentioning of projection would point more towards a psychodynamic approach in my opinion.", "However, I also believe that no one can truly understand another person; we’re all projecting, key is to find people who think similarly enough that their projections may be some degree of accurate and therefore helpful. But how much is that based on having a better understanding of that person than they do of themselves, vs just guessing correctly that they think similarly to you?", "Honestly, good for you. I'm still trying to chip away at my habit of projection with very little success so far.", "It’s probably projection to be honest, Project your own negative traits onto other people then hate them for it never even realizing you are actually hating those traits in yourself. Fucked up and sick how this shit works ain’t it this is how PDs operate and the reason for a lot of the unrealistic emotions and anger that we experience", "I have accused others of traits that I have it’s called projection" ], "top_scores": [ 7.8846001625061035, 7.881293296813965, 7.719876766204834, 7.276599407196045, 6.837240695953369 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies the psychological concept of projection as a defense mechanism or interpersonal behavior.", "pearson_r": 0.08236800236165545, "pred_f1": 0.16666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4214, "freq": 0.00564059408192508, "mean_pos": 2.874873161315918, "max_act": 5.80305290222168, "log_density": -2.2486750755976628, "top_texts": [ "Getting nervous methylphenidate So I recently started taking methylphenidate and it's working so well. The thing is get really nervous. There is this certain gut feeling that something is gonna happen\n\nDoes anyone experience the same thing? Is there a way to reduce this? ", "Getting nervous methylphenidate So I recently started taking methylphenidate and it's working so well. The thing is get really nervous. There is this certain gut feeling that something is gonna happen\n\nDoes anyone experience the same thing? Is there a way to reduce this? ", "I've been saving up all the condescending replies I get anytime I mention that mental illness is harder when dealing with poverty.", "Yeah. Me the poor person begging you all to understand that mental illness is exponentially harder when youre poor. I'm the elitist.", "Outburst ***trigger warning***\n\nSo I outburst at work today. Said horrible things to my bf. You know it’s wrong but you can’t control yourself. It sucks that you gotta still perform and act normal while feeling terrible inside. Life of a mentally ill person." ], "top_scores": [ 5.80305290222168, 5.80305290222168, 5.543636322021484, 5.419793128967285, 5.216147422790527 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of emotional dysregulation and the subjective distress of navigating mental health challenges in social or systemic contexts.", "pearson_r": 0.14894865742009, "pred_f1": 0.5833333333333334 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2057, "freq": 0.005572361088998567, "mean_pos": 2.906967878341675, "max_act": 6.266961097717285, "log_density": -2.2539606711165576, "top_texts": [ "*Marcus Cole : I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be much worse if life \\*were\\* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe. \\~* J. Michael Straczynski", "I think about this way too often. The “what ifs” the “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve”. It’s exhausting, and just makes me unhappy every time, but it’s such a habit.", "What do you believe then? That things just happen? They just are?", "Also, I believe it could have prevented some very bad things that happened to me and that I did if I had better understood what was going on.", "Is anyone else really aware of how all the wrong choices you made have brought you to this very moment and you are now suffering the consequences of your actions? Really fucking tragic. I wish I could go back to 10 years ago, it's just not the right path." ], "top_scores": [ 6.266961097717285, 5.849085807800293, 5.686084747314453, 5.619859218597412, 5.572418689727783 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the experience of ruminative regret and the internal struggle with personal accountability for past life outcomes.", "pearson_r": 0.03502310097582155, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3274, "freq": 0.005549616758023063, "mean_pos": 2.9110729694366455, "max_act": 7.187632083892822, "log_density": -2.255736928822946, "top_texts": [ "Poptarts For the last 24 hours, I've craved poptarts.\n\nThough I don't leave my house, today I will attempt to obtain poptarts from the local dollar store.\n\nLast night, I washed my hoodie and socks in the bathtub. As of this morning, they aren't dry. But as soon as they dry, I will be ready to go out.\n\nHonestly, I would rather wait until sun down before I walk. Then, I can hide my face a bit hen cars pass me on the street. And the store is kinda empty at night, so I won't have to see a lot of people.", "Mine says 8 hour fasting. Does that means fast for 8hrs before or after taking the lithium? \nhttps://reddit.com/r/Lithium/comments/1mlir0r/lithium_blood_test_fasting/", "Daytrana Patch? \nMy Psychiatrist mentioned it to me the other day. As a 22 year old male who works, it sounded like a good idea. Just some questions\n1.) How long does it last?\n2.) How is it similar/different to Adderall or Vyvanse?\n3.) Does it help with attention and focus?\nLet me know, guys.", "Easily Distracted. ADHD Bound Has anyone ever sat at a red light for 4 minutes because they were daydreaming??...asking for myself.", "Most people take 11 to 30 minutes to get ready in the morning, apparently Seriously, how though? [I just read this article](https://today.yougov.com/topics/lifestyle/articles-reports/2012/07/10/morning-routine-30-spend-over-week-getting-ready-e) while laying in bed not getting ready " ], "top_scores": [ 7.187632083892822, 5.51722526550293, 5.3807268142700195, 5.290427207946777, 5.0638885498046875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents executive dysfunction and the challenges of managing daily tasks, routines, and medication adherence.", "pearson_r": 0.08692003330224232, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8923, "freq": 0.0055041280960720545, "mean_pos": 2.9274075031280518, "max_act": 8.10128402709961, "log_density": -2.2593113885344946, "top_texts": [ "I do encourage those to are denied to file for appeal as it's possible a record really would have helped didn't come through, or a new examiner will have a different opinion. But I just wanted to say that we're not required to deny people the first time or to have a certain number of denials. ", "As a disability examiner it is absolutely not true that everyone is denied the first time ", "I once sent my ex over 300 texts, called him like 20 something times, and left 12 voicemails 😅 (this was while we were together)", "We broke up for other reasons, and I never once cared how many people my parents have had sex with again. Because I had also had sex with multiple people. I realized it never had anything to do with my ex, but my own inexperience. Not sure if that helps but just wanted to share my perspective", "I don't see how nex is affectionate. It's literally narcissistic ex. " ], "top_scores": [ 8.10128402709961, 6.133516311645508, 5.74757719039917, 5.2425055503845215, 5.159617900848389 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of navigating interpersonal relationship dynamics, specifically involving ex-partners or bureaucratic interactions with authority figures.", "pearson_r": 0.5881413960604219, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2224, "freq": 0.005617849750949576, "mean_pos": 2.8610451221466064, "max_act": 5.834300994873047, "log_density": -2.250429802852495, "top_texts": [ "no people with bpd don't experience anything like mania, we experience a boat of euphoria but it's nothing like mania", "Yeah mania makes me feel like I’m doing coke or smth. I felt high, erratic and skittish, paranoid, felt like a god", "Well, you just explained perfectly how I experience myself. I just need to see if I experience the same as you regarding the unexplainable anxiety/panic attacks: Everybody I've talked to have said anxiety/panic attacks doesn't make any sense for me to have, as I'm far from a worried or stressed person. Every panic attack I've had, I've \"seen\" from the outside of myself. My body reacts, goes into severe panic mode, but my brain is perfectly still and I observe the whole thing. I've never once had a million thoughts racing in 900 km/h. Do you recognize this, or is it different for you?", "Idk, I just wanted to say people with BPD don't experience mania. It's not a mood disorder like bipolar disorder. We literally can't experience mania. Just a euphoric feeling. Actual mania is NOTHING like that feeling and it ruins your life.", "That’s kind of what initiated the question, I was curious what others were doing. I see it more of a cycle of oppression by those who hold all the cards. But at this point in time for once normal working class people have some leverage and it kind of excited me. I grew up poor, I grew up watching my father work his way up the latter only to be laid off, usually around the holidays, and watch as a grown man cried about Christmas presents, would then go on a bender as we sat wondering if we were gonna have to move. He did this several times. Financial security was something we never had. He is a veteran as well, Vietnam, and at almost 70 he’s finally gotten benefits and his dv plates. He served, he was shot down in helicopters in rice fields with nothing but a knife, he’s been shot and stabbed, and burned by napalm. The man has had to work his life away only to struggle every step. I don’t want that for him, I don’t want that for me or my wife or my child. I am looking for ways to break the cycle." ], "top_scores": [ 5.834300994873047, 5.619704246520996, 5.2015252113342285, 5.079873561859131, 5.024899959564209 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The distinction between Bipolar mania and BPD-related euphoria.", "pearson_r": 0.4878439149168454, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7684, "freq": 0.005526872427047558, "mean_pos": 2.906920909881592, "max_act": 6.7507710456848145, "log_density": -2.257520481241319, "top_texts": [ "How long have you been there? You may be able to take a short term disability leave of absence, yes for mental health. Do you have. A health care provider, therapist? Short term disability is also usually a paid leave BUT only at about 60% of your wages. Something to consider and maybe talk to HR about? It may buy you some time, to relax, take some time for you and see about a different job.", "Is short term disability an option? At least then you’d still get paid (maybe 60-70% of wages) and get some time off to recoup.", "Are you sure he isn't sick or in the hospital? Idk, it seems very out of character to not even reply to the second email. Can you call his office and find out? I personally would *try* to go to your next session despite how wounded and angry you feel. I think he at least needs to know how this has affected you.", "So, that source is using figures from 2019 which is prior to the lockdowns, therefore it's talking about students in the same position as me - off school while their peers continue attending. In that situation of course you fall behind, because things continue without you, and the question is then whether you can effectively catch up. As I said, this is a very different scenario from school being suspended for all students simultaneously, and still leaves the question of why diminished cognitive performance is being observed in grown adults who were many years out of education by 2020.", "I've been academically suspended for a year from college and I'm just completely numb right now I just don't feel anything at all. I don't know how to feel. I want to cry but, the tears aren't coming. I want to panic but, I'm just sitting here." ], "top_scores": [ 6.7507710456848145, 6.257795810699463, 5.326638698577881, 5.163280487060547, 4.950300216674805 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding institutional, academic, or professional leave and the navigation of formal support systems.", "pearson_r": 0.5862068965517241, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9453, "freq": 0.005344917779243523, "mean_pos": 3.003135919570923, "max_act": 6.381778240203857, "log_density": -2.2720588898928757, "top_texts": [ "Because I have to stay in control. Because I said I would. Because people are counting on me. And that pressure, that constant need to hold it together is breaking me more than the silence ever did.", "And with cutting things out, honestly not having responsibilities for a season was really good for me. ", "very true. I think I’ve taken protecting the field?? As my moral obligation or something which sounds a bit insane now that I talk it out. It isn’t up to me. Thanks for your help :)", "Not well, I despise being pressured. I can do what I need to do but it puts me in a nasty mood and it’s only a matter of time until I try to strike back at whoever is causing my bad mood. This isn’t anything to do with ASPD or any other disorder it’s specifically because of certain tactics that were used when I was growing up that caused a permanent fight or flight response anytime someone tries to pressure me", "I’ve considered a LOA and almost took one when my mom passed from cancer at the beginning of my 2nd year of grad school (currently entering my fourth). I just feel so much pressure to perform all of the time & everything seems to get in the way. Most of the pressure comes from me and my standards, and some of it is from grad school expectations. I do a lot of comparison to my peers and always find myself lacking. I know that my ingrained patterns are the problem. Dealing with all of this while getting a PhD has been really hard and I keep wondering if I’m going to eventually just drop out. I hope not. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me 🤍" ], "top_scores": [ 6.381778240203857, 5.8513312339782715, 5.747386455535889, 5.524325847625732, 5.5008745193481445 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of internal and external pressure to perform or maintain control, often leading to feelings of resentment or burnout.", "pearson_r": 0.6412898875901573, "pred_f1": 0.8333333333333334 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2248, "freq": 0.00548138376509655, "mean_pos": 2.9277713298797607, "max_act": 5.214650630950928, "log_density": -2.2611097116126575, "top_texts": [ "I do get strength from knowing that one day it will be over regardless and that idea also gives me comfort.", "I am suffering from serious burnout in law school and I don't know what to do For a long time I was a hermit with PTSD/agoraphobia/alcoholism and didn't leave the house for 5-ish years. I got my shit together eventually and at at 26 I started law school. Since then I have pushed my body and mind incredibly hard because I've wanted to prove to the world that I'm not a complete fuck up. I've been successful too - multiple first and second place awards in my subjects, multiple scholarships, and a resume that most students would probably be jealous of.\n\nMy health has been slowly deteriorating the past two years (high anxiety and panic) and now entering my third year I have little motivation to do anything. The pandemic is a convenient excuse for me to never get out of bed. I dropped my study to part time and am still struggling to complete my coursework (yet still stressing a lot about it). I am working the least amount possible at my job. I can barely sleep. I just watch youtube and netflix and binge eat and maladaptive daydream all day.\n\nNothing makes me happy and I don't know what I should do. Defer? I have a psychologist but it takes weeks to get an appointment. I saw a psychiatrist and have started valdoxan but I know it's quite mild (and mostly for my sleep issues). I feel pretty hopeless.\n\nAny advice would be appreciated, thanks.", "Just like every other day in the past two fucking years. Fucking end me. \nhttps://reddit.com/r/u_AnarchistPermavirgin/comments/8akap0/god_today_sucks/", "It's not even about my life anymore, it's about the state this whole freaking planet is in Just have read that this January has been the warmest recorded January so far. And nobody gives a shit. And I'm so mad. \n\nAs if it wasn't enough that I'm unhappy with my own life, I also have to deal with the reality that every year from now on will be warmer and warmer, thousands of people will die and boomers in the politics dont do shit. I want to punch them all so hard. Here, eat your fucking money and see how long you can live on eating a fucking paper.\n\nI don't want to see it. I don't want to be here to see the planet dying and people suffer. \n\nI'm on two antidepressants and I still want to kill myself anytime I think about this. Like, everything is pointless if in 20 years we all will be fighting and dying.\n\nI love winter and now I don't even get the snow anymore. It makes me feel so hopeless when I go out in the middle of February and it's 15 degrees when it's supposed to be -5....\n\nI just cannot enjoy anything anymore because this fact keeps reminding me of its existence all the time. I just want to die :(", "Struggling with anger lately Growing up I was a very gentle girl who had lots of friends, loved animals, was treated kindly by most of my family and teachers. After graduating college I spent 10 years in a career where I was on an upward trajectory and somewhat respected.\n\nBut after losing my job, things have slowly gone downhill. My husband and I moved to a new country, and I stated a new job from home writing about international politics.\n\nI don't know if it's the constant reporting on Trump, or climate change, or the loneliness I feel, or the fact we live in a super wealthy area and I just don't feel like I can relate to the other women.\n\nBut I've slowly devolved into an angry person these last two months. Angry at myself, angry at others. If I tried to describe why, I couldn't say exactly. Maybe it's this underlying feeling that the dangers facing our planet are very real, they're very dire, and no one feels anything can be done of significance enough at this point to combat it.\n\nIt's sad because I always had hope in my younger years. I became an investigative journalist and poured my heart and soul into my work, loved interviewing people and hearing and sharing their stories. I'm still pretty gentle but lately it feels like people want to quash that out of me. \n\nIt doesn't help that there is an underlying feeling, due to my reporting, that a serious line has been crossed. Like a point of no return. The earth is indifferent to humanity. Humanity seems largely indifferent to earth, the place we grew and came from. We are an arrogant species, at least some of us, and it's an affront to our world we are a part of, and our ancestors who suffered in our past. \n\nI'm sure there are many others who feel like hopelessness. I'm.surr there are others who will say it's fine, relax, there's nothing you can do about it. It makes me just want to tear our my hair and scream. What the fuck is going on. I used to love and care for the world and now I hate it, and I hate some of the people in it. I hate them for hurting me and turning a blind eye. I hate how everyone seems like they have the answer but they really don't but still act like they have it figured out because they're cowards. I hate how some people believe in a stupid good but turn away from others who are less than them despite the fact Jesus said to do the opposite anyway.\n\nI'm just angry right now. I choose to be angry, because I know it's okay to experience all emotion. I'm sick of social media fakebess telling me I need to do meditation and use chakras and all this BS. Im tired of people turning away from the full depth of what it means to be human. I used to believe in some of this but none of its real. It's all takes away from any good we could actually do for ourselves and each other. It perpetuates a childlike state. It's a way cowards survive in the world and we enable them. Sure, some people do good things in the name of religion. But it's more than just religion. It's the idea of hope, that someone else will save us. Well guess what, someone's not saving you or me, or the planet. And we can love our the rest of our lives trying to save ourselves until we all die in miserable loneliness from never having a real connection. It's all so fake I want to puke.\n\nI guess I'm just angry at myself too. It helps a bit to get this out and see that we are very much all in a similar boat, and all relatively powerless. I hope I can find others to bond with and get our of this awful state, as much as it may be necessary right now. \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n" ], "top_scores": [ 5.214650630950928, 5.030157089233398, 5.026665687561035, 5.013769626617432, 4.694473743438721 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a state of existential despair or overwhelming emotional distress characterized by a sense of hopelessness and personal burnout.", "pearson_r": 0.5675507662640257, "pred_f1": 0.8695652173913043 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6128, "freq": 0.00548138376509655, "mean_pos": 2.922743082046509, "max_act": 7.148895740509033, "log_density": -2.2611097116126575, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone else with Quiet BPD also suffer from chronic illness? Last year I developed hives all over my body that became chronic. When I say all over I mean covering every inch, even my face, they looked like an allergic reaction. they would not go away for months even with extreme steroids (which I gained 35 pounds from) and I missed an entire marking period of school because of it. the allergy doctor had no answer, it was not an allergic reaction to anything it just...happened. They called it chronic idiopathic urticaria.\n\nThis year I have the hives under control but I now have developed chronic migraines that do not go away, I'm in and out of the hospital getting migraine cocktail iv's every other week, and they took a CAT scan even and said everything was normal. I've never had migraines before this year.\n\nIs my anxiety and stress manifesting as physical symptoms? And why is it that they don't go away without serious drugs and medical interference if its anxiety related? Why do more illnesses pop up when one is controlled? Opinions? Thoughts? Questions? Why is my body trying to kill itself? Help?", "Two year anniversary and I'm physically itchy bc of it. How can I stop itching? Every autumn (especially October, the month I was assaulted in) I spend most of the time unable to sleep bc whenever I try my entire body feels like I'm covered in hives despite not a single bump. I've talked to my therapist and GP and it being a trauma/anxiety response not medical issue is the best guess for now. Does anyone have any suggestions to calm it down at all so I have have a tiny bit of peace?", "I imagine that’s frustrating. So they have you on 2 anticonvulsant medications, are they using the lamactil as a kill 2 birds with 1 stone kind of thing? That’s one med that hasn’t been mentioned in my case. Were you a hard gainer to begin with?", "I feel like I am slowly dying and am at a dilemma My depression and stress is collapsing my health and its starting to affect my work and education.\n\nI have:\n\n1. psychosomatic or stress induced allergies including itchy skin, throat irritation and an inability to breathe\n2. weight gain\n3. constant colds and other illnesses\n4. poor sleep\n5. no energy\n6. nausea\n7. grinding my teeth so hard at night that I displaced one of my canines\n8. physical uncoordination, depersonalizations and an inability to recognize my own emotions\n\nbut I feel emotionally dead and like a zombie when taking depression medication", "Does anyone else find they get sick more (colds/flu/etc.) than people without depression? I have read some reports that people with depression tend to get sick more often. I find this interesting as it's another example of physical symptoms caused by the depression and wondered how valid it was." ], "top_scores": [ 7.148895740509033, 6.430801868438721, 6.140976905822754, 6.029292106628418, 5.542769432067871 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the manifestation of psychological distress as physical illness or somatic symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.2298188588579755, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4356, "freq": 0.0055951054199740715, "mean_pos": 2.8507916927337646, "max_act": 7.0019965171813965, "log_density": -2.252191648694529, "top_texts": [ "Walt is an unreliable narrator, he actually shot his load in Janes mouth and that’s how she choked to death. This was supposed to be revealed in Breaking Bad season 6 before it was canceled because Walt went psycho and fucking shot everyone to death with a machine gun installed in the trunk of a car and accidentally died in the process.", "When I first started day dreaming I used to be so good at it. Dreaming in first person came naturally to me. I could hear the dream, feel it, smell it, taste it, etc. it was amazing. But 4 years later it’s like my brain stopped working and now the best I can do is 3rd person (which makes the day dreams janky, unrealistic, and kinda hurts my head). It’s like I’m dreaming for someone else, not myself.", "What's your story? My best friend left me for his girlfriend-\n\nMy girlfriend cheated on me-\n\nMy second girlfriend cheated on me-\n\nMy first girlfriend came back and cheated again-\n\nMy second best friend left me (again)-\n\nWhat's your story?", "Whoever says Wanda sucks as a character needs to read her material post 2023. She finally has depth and interesting storylines besides “traumatized woman who causes problems being out of control of her massive power”.", "Silly stupid white lies Anyone else tell the stupidest white lies. Not even to people you don’t know but your family/friends/partner. \n\nFor example, I will say things to my boyfriend like “____ said I looked nice today” or “____ said this to me today” when they didn’t. I have no explanation as to why I do it and I have no need to do it but it just slips out. " ], "top_scores": [ 7.0019965171813965, 5.595763683319092, 5.518102169036865, 4.87935209274292, 4.812993049621582 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the theme of maladaptive narrative construction, including confabulation, dissociative daydreaming, and the fabrication of social reality.", "pearson_r": 0.5846706445609151, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4350, "freq": 0.005686082743876089, "mean_pos": 2.802932024002075, "max_act": 5.063971996307373, "log_density": -2.245186748367797, "top_texts": [ "How to deal with tragedies and other misfortunes as a depressed person? It's been a while since I've realized I'm a depressed person and I found that realization helpful when trying to fight that depression.\n\nUnlike many other depressed persons I'm fortunate enough to say I can put up a mask most of the day. Work, have a relationship, having people think I'm perfectly fine. But lately that mask seem to be breaking apart in my hand. \n\nI find it impossible to fight when I get slapped by life. Recently I had to face a series of tragedies that got me as close as I've ever been to completely give up. It actually started so bad that I actually set up an appointment with a psychiatrist hoping I'd get some pills to help me go through this period with ending it all.\n\nI'm just wondering if you guys got any tips for being so fragile and yet face these tragedies as a depressed person.", "*Mindfulness Meditation:* Hopefully you know about this by now:), but there are specific mindfulness meditations that allow you to develop certain parts of your brain. If you want to be happier, there are meditations for that. More concentrated, there are meditations for that. You can choose how to improve yourself and that’s **backed by fucking science. ** Like building a muscle, these changes take a lot of repetitions, but you do start seeing progress in as little as a few weeks if you are dedicated.", "Bad at everything. I know my problem sounds like a joke compared to the people who have really serious problems here, but I don't know anywhere else to vent.\n\nSo, this has been a problem for as long as I remember. Whenever I find a new interest, sport, or game, I'm absolutely horrible at it. I'm also slower than everyone when it comes to schoolwork, and it feels like I have to try five times harder than everyone else. I'm also starting to notice that my brothers are beginning to become better than me with the games we play. I've played the games much longer than them (still very mediocre and below average at the game) and through practice, they're beating me.\n\nNow, people are probably going to tell me something about practicing more, \"practice smarter, not harder\" or suggestions on changing the way I practice. Thing is, I search up tutorials, learn new techniques, practice more, and it never pays off.\n\nIs there something I'm just completely missing, do I have some kind of autism? I really want to know because I feel so inferior to everyone when it comes to almost anything that requires some kind of practice or skill.", "Yeah, I do need to be nicer to myself. It’s just SO DIFFICULT ya know?", "Why should I keep trying when I'm garbage at everything I do? Honestly I'm so trash at literally everything I do. No matter how much time I have spent attempting to improve myself I never see any results. \n\nEverytime I cook I always cut something wrong, cut myself, over or under cook the meal. Even if it's the same meal I've made before I somehow never remember how to make it without needing to carefully read the recipe for the nth time.\n\nMy friends and siblings laugh at me or get bored of doing things with me because I'm \"too bad so it gets boring fast\". \n\nEct. Ect.\n\nEveryone I've talked to, friends, parents, therapists, counselors, professors. They all just tell me to \"keep trying\" and \"practice makes perfect!\", and yet I'll pour hundreds of hours, months of my tike into something while it seems like plenty of other people can become at least okay within a week of practice.\n\nIt's just so fucking unfair, feels like all that shit about hard work > talent is bullshit spewed by the talented. I'm tired of feeling this way and constantly being put in the dirt for making attempts to improve myself at anything. I feel so ashamed how talented and hard working my family and friends are, and is able to find success due to that, while I'm here with plenty of hours wasted trying to improve myself. Life's too unfair, fuck." ], "top_scores": [ 5.063971996307373, 4.774986267089844, 4.746232986450195, 4.721238136291504, 4.690688610076904 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents self-deprecating internal dialogue characterized by feelings of personal inadequacy and perceived incompetence.", "pearson_r": 0.15026130622691203, "pred_f1": 0.47058823529411764 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3332, "freq": 0.005299429117292515, "mean_pos": 3.0066168308258057, "max_act": 6.685873508453369, "log_density": -2.2757708304411364, "top_texts": [ "Anyone else take advantage of the $1/gram Black Friday sale CBDHD had? If so, has your order been shipped yet? The website says they're on time to ship by the 29th, but my order is still in pre-shipment.", "> Since its a few hundred packages (regular site and sale site) that are kind of in this weird limbo, we will let everyone know once we do.\nhttps://reddit.com/r/CBD/comments/a1uk83/cbdhd_black_friday_shipping/", "I was told by a friend of mine that if you ship something straight to the airport, and just have the receiver pick it up, you would be saving an enormous amount of $$ as opposed to sending it directly to the recipient. Does this hold any truth, anyone know? If you've got any ideas like the one I've posted I would be more then thrilled to hear about it! P.S. The items vary in size, so if you know about a method that if best suited for, lets say items under 5 pounds, I would still love to hear about it!", "I highly recommend checking out the wiki page on self-disorder, it has a big list of interesting examples.", "Does Anybody know what happened to depressedvlog youtube channel??? He's name was bill, I saw him on the YouTube recommendation and he was talking about he became 30 years old and his job and his past suicide attempts and overall his chronic depression... I went to YouTube to check on him but I couldn't find his YouTube channel so I went into my subscription lists and his channel was erased... I have a bad feeling about him I hope he's okay :(" ], "top_scores": [ 6.685873508453369, 6.465330600738525, 5.842298984527588, 5.441429138183594, 5.0863142013549805 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents logistical inquiries, information seeking, and external administrative processes.", "pearson_r": -0.25060500548276765, "pred_f1": 0.38095238095238093 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1317, "freq": 0.005367662110219028, "mean_pos": 2.9433412551879883, "max_act": 6.095524311065674, "log_density": -2.270214749538801, "top_texts": [ "My guy wanted to sell me some acid but they weren’t tabs they were some kind of bean looking thing he said they had acid on them though", "Next time a cop stops me, I'm going to die I'm watching Live PD with my clients, because that's part of my job. Fucking cop is talking to an old man who tried to suicide-by-cop. Cop goes off on the dude, like he's personally offended by the dude's suicide attempt. \n\nI am fucking livid. But of course, I can't say shit, because this is my job. So instead I sit on it and get depressed. Because nobody gives a shit what I think, especially when it comes to cops. Because of course this is Amerika, where cop shit don't stink and everyone who gets killed absolutely deserves it because they're a criminal. \n\nSo here's a promise: the next time I get stopped by a cop, I'm fucking dying. Because I would rather be dead and continue being afraid. And there is no other way for me to get out of this shithole country.", "(Sorry for the danish in advance) \nMed risiko for at virke super creepy, så bliver jeg nødt til at spørge om jeg måske har mødt dig før? Jeg hedder Benjamin, er 30, fra Sjælland, bor i Århus og uddannet på DTU. Da jeg så dit billede så virkede du bare bekendt og da jeg læste du er fra Danmark så virkede det ikke usandsynligt at vi kunne have mødt hinanden. Det kunne være i Gentofte/Gladsaxe psykiatri eller Horsens/Århus psykiatri eller måske gennem \"En af Os\"? \nUanset hvad, er det et godt billede og ønsker dig en dejlig dag :)", "I've Shazamed it, I googled it. When I had a podcast, I even asked my listeners if any of them could tell me any information about it. Nothing. So now I'm hoping someone out there knows anything about the band, the song title ( my guess is that it's called \"The Bus\") The song is ", "Understand that becoming illithid means giving up your soul as well and as such you become a sociopath who can only have a manipulative relationship with anyone when you become an illithid." ], "top_scores": [ 6.095524311065674, 5.282437801361084, 5.123010158538818, 4.832695007324219, 4.808086395263672 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies anecdotal or narrative-driven storytelling involving external media, personal encounters, or fictional scenarios.", "pearson_r": 0.16744367165578425, "pred_f1": 0.6896551724137931 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4232, "freq": 0.005435895103145541, "mean_pos": 2.903848886489868, "max_act": 6.628629207611084, "log_density": -2.264728852576369, "top_texts": [ "yeah, my parents needed conflict and so they fought all the time. The issue was of course that there was us four kids, stuck in the middle of it. They were too preoccupied with their dynamic to worry too much about us. And well, if they saw that we had needs then that was annoying of course.", "it wasn't just one, it was several. I wanna say somewhere between 3 and 5. I don't exactly remember and do not want to look for details on Google... Several of the women got pregnant while held captive there. Forced to get birth. Absolutely disgusting and vile I can't possibly imagine the torment of being held as a sex slave for ten fucking years. Being raped for 10 years with literally no other life than that.", "I forgot about it until I noticed one day that I saw a co workers name written on a receipt that was for a room sale (we stapled the receipt of the room sale on the back of the vip room tracking sheet to keep up with sales) I asked the manager what that was about. He told me that that is how the bookkeepers keep track of who sold which room so they will get credit and the surcharges of the sale. So I explained to him I was never told of this and explained that in my six month tenure I had never received anything. He then told me he would help me go through each sale with me to make sure I get the amount I was supposed to get. I was fired a week after that conversation because an entertainer tipped me 80 bucks when I made her 3500 I never complained or anything about it, but they fired me for not splitting that 80 bucks with everyone.", "There became two sides of me I battled within myself. On one hand, I wanted us to build a life together, to experience that love and the relationship. I did most days. On the other, I wanted to absolve myself. I obsessed with it.", "Literally, that’s how it feels exactly 😭 we started down that rabbit hole w/ someone who unfortunately didn’t ask abt our trauma prior.\nThey thought they could paint a perfect story around our parents causing our DID and them being a hero that saved us from them… our alter who dealt w/ the cult trauma from when we were 6-10 immediately went dormant (he said he felt like he was going to die, but we had never heard the word dormancy before). He came back a week later to a system of 5 going to a system of 40+ that he couldn’t even understand." ], "top_scores": [ 6.628629207611084, 5.268343448638916, 5.183107852935791, 5.117196083068848, 4.815271377563477 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the processing of complex, long-term interpersonal trauma and the resulting fragmentation of self-identity.", "pearson_r": -0.03150373735252829, "pred_f1": 0.375 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9346, "freq": 0.005140218800463984, "mean_pos": 3.0557191371917725, "max_act": 7.460371971130371, "log_density": -2.289018309781444, "top_texts": [ "I'm living in my car right now which sucks because the radiator just got a hole in it and now I can't keep the AC on at night. I'm working a full time job but I'm not making enough to rent an apartment or even a hotel. What I need is some food. Something portable that won't need refrigeration. I'm former Army so I'm used to MRE's but I don't have anywhere local to get them.", "[Recipe] Depressed Grilled Cheese Sandwich For this recipe, you'll need a few ingredients.\n\n1. The willpower to get out of bed.\n\n2. Two slices of bread. Make sure and thaw the bread out first, since you only go grocery shopping every 2-4 weeks and stockpile things in your freezer.\n\n3. Two slices of cheese.\n\n4. Toaster that you've had since 1996\n\nTake one slice of bread and place a slice of cheese on it. Fold it in half and smush it real flat. Do this with the other slice of bread and cheese. Place each half-sandwich in its own slot in the toaster and set the toaster to a medium golden brown usual setting.\n\nGrats, you now have enough nutrition to last you half a day or so, or longer if you can manage to just go back to sleep and sleep for a long time. Remember, you're not lazy, you're just conserving your energy and resources, which is good for the environment.\n\nIf anyone has any recommendations for improvement to this recipe, just keep it to yourself. Simplicity is our best friend.", "I'm new to living in my car. Very limited access to cooking and can't afford ice. The basis of my diet is whole wheat bread. I eat it with peanut butter and honey/jam, canned tuna, and vegetable/bean/lentil soups. I often eat canned peaches, mandarin oranges, green beans, corn, and white/pinto beans.", "* Sleeping bag. * Solar-powered Lamps. * A raincoat. * Non-perishable food/MREs/trailmix. Anything else I should invest in?", "I have no choice but to focus on whay I don't have. I'm currently sitting in a dark room (no electricity. I used a public outlet at a park to charge my phone+powerbank) trying to figure out how I will afford to buy a case of water before payday. Because I don't have running water either. Being able to put your struggles out of your mind for even a moment is a privilege I don't have." ], "top_scores": [ 7.460371971130371, 6.977701663970947, 6.878632545471191, 6.822296619415283, 5.80405330657959 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of acute material deprivation, homelessness, and food insecurity.", "pearson_r": 0.4819315973414993, "pred_f1": 0.46153846153846156 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5839, "freq": 0.005458639434121045, "mean_pos": 2.8764917850494385, "max_act": 6.2829999923706055, "log_density": -2.2629155121457916, "top_texts": [ "I live on the 4’ floor… I have the high ground and most likely just stay down and act like I’m not there, in my country we all have metal burglar prevention doors, if I lock that thing even the fire department can’t get in, all of my windows are with metal bars, I should say that I live near a war zone so I even my room is a safe room for missile and biological attacks, if I close my door I will survive nuclear attack so I’m pretty ready", "This segment freaked me out so much. But I think it's really interesting. The way I interpret it (correct me if I'm wrong), I that Elliot is temporarily dissociated from the external world and put into the internal world while he is essentially being tortured by the two guys (I forget their names) and Mr. Robot is taking the hits for him. And when he has that internal dialouge with Mr. Robot, and Robot tells him sometimes it's better to believe a lie, and not know the truth...", "No. I did 6 deployments with the military and was rewarded for heroism many times for things that were really a result of me not recognizing the danger of the situation and doing things people couldn’t comprehend.", "\"I miss you.\" The most painful words. I often hear these words from my wife, sometimes my friends and other family members, and it always makes me feel awful. What they really mean is that they miss the person who is happy, productive and fun to be around. I want to scream at them, tell them that I didn't go anywhere, that I'm right here! But doing that wouldn't help anyone and would only create hurt feelings and lead to worse isolation. I wish that people who didn't battle depression would understand how hurtful those three words can be. If I never hear them again it would be a blessing.", "? What if I am at a friends party and a man whispers in my ear that he likes to stare at me so he can touch himself later....but he is dating my friend and he knows I don’t want to upset her?? ? What if I am in the car with a man and some lady cuts him off and he gets road rage and says he wants to “drag her out of the car by her hair and cut her nipples off” but then later says he “obviously didn’t mean it”?? ?" ], "top_scores": [ 6.2829999923706055, 4.989073276519775, 4.97855281829834, 4.661305904388428, 4.560248851776123 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of hyper-vigilance, dissociation, or perceived threat in relation to external environmental or interpersonal danger.", "pearson_r": 0.2488522572750703, "pred_f1": 0.6086956521739131 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7986, "freq": 0.005344917779243523, "mean_pos": 2.9340763092041016, "max_act": 8.012872695922852, "log_density": -2.2720588898928757, "top_texts": [ "Make sure to take the bus when it comes to WalMart the last time, about 7pm. 6) There is a Chick-Fil-\"A\" next to Walmart where you can get hot food. You can buy Top Rommin at WalMart which sells for 10 cents per cup (yes...really) and you can use hot water to put in it, and it is ready to eat. 7) How do you get \"out\" of that situation? I don't know.", "On an ending note, Psycho Girl was actually a pretty catchy song, think like 80s Ramones pop punk. Would have liked it better if it wasn’t about me!!!!🤬", "Where in Canada. In alberta and would try anything. I mean I know it works it's what they give me at er", "DSM-5 and DSM-V are the same thing since V is the Roman numeral for 5. I’ve seen both used in the literature.", "Does anyone here also have Ultra Rapid Cycling? I'd usually have 2 weeks of depression and 4 days of hypomania. And in DSM 5 it's the bar standard for depression and hypomania. But my psychiatrist say i have Ultra Rapid Cycling Bipolar Type 2. But i watched a video on youtube that says about Ultra Rapid Cycling and Ultradian Rapid Cycling, and the video said that it's still controversial whether it exist or not. Wdyt about Ultra Rapid Cycling?\nhttps://reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/comments/rvukit/ultra_rapid_cycling/" ], "top_scores": [ 8.012872695922852, 6.277659893035889, 5.805965900421143, 5.436004638671875, 5.42671537399292 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies references to clinical diagnostic criteria, medical terminology, and specific logistical or factual information.", "pearson_r": -0.022678516347420345, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 312, "freq": 0.005458639434121045, "mean_pos": 2.8709263801574707, "max_act": 6.284712314605713, "log_density": -2.2629155121457916, "top_texts": [ "I think Kendall’s concerned look when she announced her divorce was honest and telling: Kendall’s inability to form healthy attachments reflects Logan’s treatment of him & others, and I’m sure it pains him to see that Shiv, like himself, is following the same path.", "I have been in your boat thus far. All of the kids are irrevocably damaged by their association with Logan and consistently lean into the worst parts of themselves. However, I think Kendall's grown a lot throughout the series, and we saw that at Connor's Wedding. He said \"I love you,\" and meant it. The self-loathing is there, but I don't think it's the only source of Kendall's tendency toward introspection. He seems to have a heart; a heart that he steels when he needs to, but a heart nonetheless. And I think a detox from the Roy environment might be enough to rehabilitate him into the man he could be. Unfortunately, his greed and messiah complex might be the death of his integrity.", "I got ADHD, depression, and probably c-PTSD. It’s not just the disabilities. It’s the child abuse, spousal abuse, and frequent relocations. Now I’m a wreck. \n\nI’m in therapy and getting psychological testing. I’m sure I’ll get more diagnosis. For the last 20 years, my spouse has been the breadwinner of the family. I’ve taken care of the domestic duties and worked part-time jobs here and there.\n\nNow we are getting divorced. I’m 50, and not prepared to support myself. My spouse will be paying support but I would prefer to be on social security disability. So I’m going to make a third and final attempt to get it. This time I have a medical care team and detailed diagnosis in my corner", "I got ADHD, depression, and probably c-PTSD. It’s not just the disabilities. It’s the child abuse, spousal abuse, and frequent relocations. Now I’m a wreck. \n\nI’m in therapy and getting psychological testing. I’m sure I’ll get more diagnosis. For the last 20 years, my spouse has been the breadwinner of the family. I’ve taken care of the domestic duties and worked part-time jobs here and there.\n\nNow we are getting divorced. I’m 50, and not prepared to support myself. My spouse will be paying support but I would prefer to be on social security disability. So I’m going to make a third and final attempt to get it. This time I have a medical care team and detailed diagnosis in my corner", "And even if one of them did try to do that and open up about issues, what happens then, it gets to Kody and then she causes it all to fall apart anyways." ], "top_scores": [ 6.284712314605713, 5.653687477111816, 5.206745624542236, 5.1954169273376465, 5.193341255187988 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the intergenerational transmission of trauma and the impact of dysfunctional family dynamics on personal development.", "pearson_r": 0.3551436217371688, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 501, "freq": 0.005617849750949576, "mean_pos": 2.7856075763702393, "max_act": 6.202115058898926, "log_density": -2.250429802852495, "top_texts": [ "Anyone have any tips on de-tangling months worth of matted hair? Hi everyone! \n\nIt started back in August when I was in the hospital after a suicide attempt. I was there for a little over a week and I was not allowed to have a hair tie because patients before had been using those to snap themselves with. I totally understood and thought it'd be no big deal.\n\nI have (had?) waist length hair. I adored it, it's never been this long in my life and I was loving it! Well, that week in the hospital it got a few rough tangles. And while I have been trying to keep it manageable over the months, I got a full time job working at a fast food place/gas station in my town. I have to wear my hair up in a bun and a hat. Doing 5 nights in a row of 8+ hour shifts every week I pretty much spend all of my day asleep and working up the motivation to get out of bed before needing to get up for work again. \n\nMy hair is pretty much *just* a bun now. I hardly need a hair tie to keep it together and it makes me sad how bad I let it get... I will wash it and try to fix things with conditioner but the motivation is gone, my arms get tired, and I just throw on my hat for work and hope for the best. \n\nI just wanted to know if anyone else had gone through anything like this and taken the time and effort needed to fix matted hair with hair masks or other treatments? Did any of you give up and just cut it short? What's your hair journey been like?\n\nWhile working on typing this out I did manage to get it so its not stuck in a bun anymore! Its basically in 3 big dreadlock-like clumps now and I'm thinking maybe if I cut the ends a bit and get off all those damaged and split ends it might make the process a little easier...!", "Thanks!\nI have to say, that there is no help, when you are in prison..\nAldo my disorders make it very hard to trust anybody, special in prison enviroment..", "Hair problems.. Hoping to get some help here.. I’ve been dealing with pretty bad anxiety and depression for a while and my hair got matted a while back.. I’ve been working on it for a few months but I swear it’s just getting worse.. I’ve checked out some old posts here but I was hoping to have some newer input. Any products or methods that worked for you? \nPictures attached...\nAs a side note I’ve always had problems with my hair and taking care of it... I’ve only gotten 2 haircuts in my life because it won’t grow and I don’t want short hair. I know cutting it will make it grow but I’m just so scared\n\nhttp://imgur.com/a/sU6xnxR\n", "Also, since most of us had been to jail at some point, we did employ prisoner tactics for better treatment and conditions. It's pretty much a dehumanizing feedback loop.", "Magnesium works wonders for teeth grinding. Just take 1 pill a day and in a couple weeks it’ll be gone." ], "top_scores": [ 6.202115058898926, 5.383859634399414, 5.319679260253906, 5.292142868041992, 5.243048667907715 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures experiences of institutionalization, confinement, and the resulting physical or self-care neglect.", "pearson_r": 0.33721558880183283, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 623, "freq": 0.005026497145586463, "mean_pos": 3.1052396297454834, "max_act": 5.900697231292725, "log_density": -2.2987344733322077, "top_texts": [ "La sofferenza causata da un disturbo fisico non ha nulla a che vedere con un disturbo di personalità di tipo dismorfofobico.", "Per quanto su qualsiasi argomento io e Matt Walsh saremmo in disaccordo, In quel documentario non c'è nulla relativo alla disforia.", "Oooh, I love the last line! Reminds me of that saying about the dog not knowing why they bite... well, I know why I bite. Beautiful work.", "Broken - a poem This body,\n\nA beautiful casket for a broken soul,\n\nLegs that walk but have no destination,\n\nEyes that once cried of laughter cry of loneliness,\n\nA tongue that tastes the sweetest things although everything tastes bland lately,\n\nEars that listened to stories with happy endings, now listen to the emptiness of my fate\n\nA heart that beats when all this soul wants is for it to silence itself,\n\nHands that pray now hold the blade, \n\nPlease rest this casket beneath the dirt,\n\nLet the earth consume me in an everlasting peaceful nothingness.", "It never ends The constant struggle of life never ends. As soon as we solve one problem, 10 more pop up in its place. We spend the majority of our time doing things we don't want to do, and then we die. It never ends, until it does." ], "top_scores": [ 5.900697231292725, 5.735717296600342, 5.66463565826416, 5.644673824310303, 5.437015533447266 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the use of metaphorical, poetic, or philosophical framing to express existential distress and identity-related suffering.", "pearson_r": 0.5923252169816406, "pred_f1": 0.7777777777777778 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5341, "freq": 0.005526872427047558, "mean_pos": 2.8175342082977295, "max_act": 5.703867435455322, "log_density": -2.257520481241319, "top_texts": [ "true.\nperhaps at least he knows now Lennie died imagining beautiful things", "And really, that's why I'm typing this post. I want to know for certain if I was witnessing a domestic violence incident (feel free to delete this post if otherwise - again, this is a throwaway, so I don't mind), if there's anything I could and/or should have done differently there, and if there's anything I can do to help in case this happens again (which knowing my job, it will). I'm wondering if I should have slipped her info to a hotline, or lied about calling the police, or *something* - in the back of my mind, I keep telling myself there was something I could have done here. Any ideas? EDIT: In case it isn't clear, I DID call the police - I just didn't inform them of my domestic violence suspicions until they arrived, due to what happened between the call and their arrival.", "Don't imagine. I think that's part of our problem: we keep imagining what happened and remain unable to let go because we don't know how. I'm learning how to let go and I think that's a good first step.", "The fact they think they know better than a DOCTOR if they have a mental disorder or not…. Because of what they read online", "I'm not mad, but it makes it very hard to compete as I'm quickly figuring out that my school was fairly easy and I did not try very hard. Which yes it is my fault, but I didn't think I was going to have to compete with the best of the best. Just know the course well. I have always been able to apply myself, endless amounts of will power with a drive to learn. So yeah I thought I could learn what I needed to know, but it's more than that, it's knowing EVERY little fucking thing about everything because that's how much everyone else knows." ], "top_scores": [ 5.703867435455322, 5.603672504425049, 5.028011798858643, 4.971651554107666, 4.888432502746582 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive process of evaluating, questioning, or reflecting on the accuracy of one's own or others' perceptions and knowledge.", "pearson_r": 2.42861286636753e-17, "pred_f1": 0.5925925925925926 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9321, "freq": 0.0055041280960720545, "mean_pos": 2.828747034072876, "max_act": 5.3716349601745605, "log_density": -2.2593113885344946, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone else go into all or nothing mode? For example everything I do in life I’m either full steam ahead or I’m not. I don’t have a middle ground and I’m wondering if this is common\n\nSome examples:\n\nI went vegan 10 months ago and I went full force and became heavily involved with activism to the point I pushed everyone who wasn’t vegan away from me. \n\nIf I’m loosing weight I will do it 150% or give up completely. \n\nI rescued a hamster, did all my research and became obsessed with the correct care to the point I pissed people off. Everything in my life was about hamsters. This is the same with my bearded dragon.\n\nIt’s like a switch that I can’t control and many people have told me I have no middle ground.", "Anyone else get too immersed in games/movies? TW: Movies, reality.. Possible delusions. Putting this just in case.\n\nIt's really difficult for me at times to watch certain movies or play certain games, because I get too immersed. Like for an example, if I were to watch a Harry Potter movie. I'm not just watching; I'm THERE. I become a part of that world. I'm in the school. I'm a fellow wizard. I feel the sheer panic that the other characters feel whenever something bad happens. Likewise, I feel their same joy. It's kinda nice sometimes, because I've never felt that feeling within my own reality/the real world. But at the same time I know it's crazy. I KNOW it's not real and that they're simply actors. Anyone else?", "Constant Fight or Flight mode \n\nHi guys, \n\ndoes anybody ever feel like they're on the verge of a panic attack? Like you can feel your heart beat really fast and its incredibly hard to sit still. It's like being in a constant Fight or Flight mode, but its not a full blown panic attack. I do get this every so often and unlike a panic attack, this feeling tends to stay for a while. I'm sure some ppl also have longer lasting panic attacks, but luckily for me, this is not the case. But being in \"Fight or Flight mode\" (just calling it that for a lack of a better term) can last hours or even days at the time. \n\nIt'd be great to know that I'm not the only one feeling like this, and if anybody has any ideas on how to get out of this \"Fight or Flight mode\" I'd really appreciate if you could share.\n\nI already tried some breathing exercises, which tends to help when I'm having a panic attack, but unfortunately, while it does provide a short-term release, it does not calm me down enough an as soon as I stop the \"Fight or Flight mode\" is back. ", "what is the most intense hyperfocus story you have? for me, i was working on this painting that i really wanted to finish, but not like “ok i’ll have it finished in a few days”, it was like “i want this finished now and i’ll keep working on it until it is!” so i ended up painting for 27 HOURS STRAIGHT! the only breaks i took were when i needed to go to the washroom or if i needed some juice because my sugar levels were low (i have diabetes). i kept getting sleepy but i was so damn determined i just drank coffee to keep me up and kept going. the second day in, around the 26th hour, i was almost done, but my parents were having a house party for family friends, so 5 minutes before the guests arrived, i left the basement where i was working, washed the paint off my hands and face, got dressed, said hi to the guests once they arrived, and then snuck my painting supplies to my room and continued painting secretly while the guests were socializing, and just kept painting until it was done. \n\ni felt soooo accomplished afterwards and the sleep i had that night was heaven sent but good god i never wanna go through that again lmao i don’t know why i didn’t just pace myself, i just HAD to do it all at once (but then again knowing me if i stop a painting it’s REALLY hard for me to get back to it cuz i’ll be bored by then so sometimes the only way for me to finish work is to do it all at once when the fire is there).", "I just watched \"A beautiful mind\" : Question John nash got REALLY into those newspapers. The newspapers themselved didnt really have any correlation intrinsically, but I'm curious if their correlation was rather tied to John Nash' own unconscious. In other words, what happens you just allow a schizophrenic person to dive extremely deep into their delusions? Would their unconscious mind find expression outwardly and would that unconscious pattern be shared by others but heavily regulated in other's at large?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.3716349601745605, 5.0106892585754395, 4.844473838806152, 4.710529327392578, 4.562265396118164 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents intense, all-consuming psychological states characterized by hyperfocus, immersion, or physiological over-arousal.", "pearson_r": 0.46868380853309916, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7573, "freq": 0.00511747446948848, "mean_pos": 3.025684356689453, "max_act": 9.199005126953125, "log_density": -2.2909442304419736, "top_texts": [ "Started with inner, eventually became outer. I still get both.\n\nEdit: for example, God is external, narrator is internal. The rest go back and forth.", "I experience both. Internal is more common for me, but I get some external as well. As long as they carry the same weight/salience as an external stimuli they could still be counted as a hallucination.", "I could go on but you get the gist. It created a lot of positive change for me internally, and some negative change externally. ", "When it comes to hallucinations it makes it a little easier because a good chunk of my auditory hallucinations are internal. In fact, this is part of why it took so long to get a diagnosis. Doctors would tell me \"hallucinations are actually external\". Finally I saw a psychologist who happened to have done his dissertation on schizophrenia and he explained that they can be either internal or external. The ones that are external can be trickier, but one way I can tell the difference is that it doesn't match the context. If I hear people singing in the distance at work or school I know it's not real - this is an office, not a pirate ship. Particularly if it's a recurring hallucination.\n\nI only hallucinate visually when I'm sleep deprived.\n\nAs for delusions I never know exactly what the delusion is because after all a delusion is a belief, not just a recurring thought/obsession. But I know that I'm probably in a delusional state of mind when I get super anxious but there's nothing that's reasonably causing that anxiety along with a vague sense of implacable dread.", "So it's a narrative hallucination? I get those as well narrating my own thoughts to me, it's incredibly frustrating. Some of my hallucinations are internal as well (some are external) which is one reason why it took so long to get a diagnosis. A lot of doctors think that internal = not hallucinating." ], "top_scores": [ 9.199005126953125, 7.416685104370117, 6.974784851074219, 6.310643196105957, 6.1349334716796875 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the distinction between internal and external auditory hallucinations.", "pearson_r": 0.4227449165816562, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8916, "freq": 0.005071985807537471, "mean_pos": 3.0361242294311523, "max_act": 6.230937480926514, "log_density": -2.2948218847440542, "top_texts": [ "After reading about Lake&Ng I was equally if not horrified. My stomach twists when I read the names. The shit I read on the Wikipedia page alone will haunt me forever and the descriptions alone of the videos they took I still cannot get out of my mind sometimes.", "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Research Does anyone know of research/studies regarding RSD? I read up on it today (thanks to this subreddit) and it really resonated with me. I got caught up in it and nearly got carried away. Luckily my wife is working on her PsyD and is very good at reeling in self-diagnosis.\n\n\nHer main concern when I ran RSD by her was to do with a lack of research. The articles found online center around the same few ideas regarding RSD with no references to psychological research outside of that done by William Dodson and even then I can't seem to find any actual research papers by him. I also noticed that a majority of the articles regarding RSD online are by Dodson himself as well.\n\n\nI find the idea of RSD very attractive because I can really relate to the concept, and I know my wife doesn't intend to invalidate the experience of those diagnosed with ADHD, but she does have a good point. Has anyone done further research into this and have more in depth sources regarding ADHD and RSD? I get that this might not be the most well researched thing but I assume someone, at the very least Dodson, would have published something in a journal regarding this at some point.", "9 Places To Touch A Woman And Make Her Go Crazy For You.. Apart from the commonly known erogenous zones such as breasts, vagina and butt, there are other areas on woman`s body which can truly turn her on and make her crazy for you.\nSee more 👉http://healthymindset.site/9-places-to-touch-a-woman-and-make-her-go-crazy-for-you/", "My little pony cured my depression!! ^_^ HIIII REDDIT! *blushes*\n\nSo, uhh, I've struggled with depression all my life... Every day I struggled just to get out of bed T_T. But then I found this KYOOT little show and now i'm happier than I've ever been before! \n\nIt takes place in the land of Equestria, populated by varieties of ponies including variants of Pegasus and unicorn, along with other sentient and non-sentient creatures. The central character is Twilight Sparkle, a unicorn mare sent by her mentor Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, to the town of Ponyville to study the magic of friendship. In the show's opening episode \"Friendship Is Magic\", Twilight resents this assignment, as she is more concerned about the foretold appearance of Nightmare Moon, the evil sister of Celestia. When Nightmare Moon does appear, vowing everlasting night and causing Celestia to disappear, Twilight sets off with five other ponies – Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity – to obtain the Elements of Harmony and defeat Nightmare Moon. Before Twilight can activate the Elements, Nightmare Moon appears and shatters them. In a flash of inspiration, Twilight realizes that each of her new friends represents one of the Elements of Harmony (Honesty, Loyalty, Laughter, Generosity, and Kindness), and that she herself is the final piece, Magic. The magical power of the ponies' friendship reverts Nightmare Moon to a repentant Princess Luna. Celestia reappears, reunites with her sister Princess Luna, and decrees that Twilight shall stay in Ponyville to continue studying the magic of friendship, much to the happiness of Twilight and her new friends.\n\nEven better, when you're feeling the \"urge\" (you know what i mean ;3) there's some naughty pictures drawn by our wonderful friends over at https://www.reddit.com/r/ClopClop/ why don't you check it out?\n\nPeace out everyone!! I love all of you!!!! :D :D :D", "Oooh, dude, where do you get lsd? I am really interested in lsd and weed, never researched with them before." ], "top_scores": [ 6.230937480926514, 5.913330554962158, 5.748752593994141, 5.588691711425781, 5.428640842437744 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures intense emotional reactivity, hyper-fixation, or external stimuli triggering strong psychological responses.", "pearson_r": 0.22276190476998672, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5414, "freq": 0.0054131507721700365, "mean_pos": 2.839189291000366, "max_act": 5.5256242752075195, "log_density": -2.2665497961323067, "top_texts": [ "Do you accept him unconditionally? Sounds like he needs to look the way you want, do what you want… what about him and his needs? Do you think he feels loved by you?", "And Tai was sooo right to go off on him as well. Hes 'sooo worried about the friendship if they break up' but its such a cop out, and they all know it. Im so happy Tai punched him. And here's hoping Jun will now be able to have actual normal friendships again, cause Sorns obsessive BS was getting on my nerves. Like coming to the club to rip Jun away from Jom?? Seriously... Im so thankful Win was there to hear it all & tell Tai about it. I dont think he will cry, but someone as obsessed as him, being away from Jun and having him hidden from him & having no control over him, must be killing him inside, and im soooooo happy about it.", "You have to ask yourself right now. Are you OK with this happening again because it will… do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about what he’s doing or do you want to be with a partner that chooses you every time? You can’t be happy feeling neglected like that.\nHe has no respect for you , leave now. Two parents in the same home is not important when the daughter will grow up thinking cheating is normal and accept the same thing. You want to teach her to have boundaries. You will grow further part and hate him. Time will not heal it. I grew up in a home like that. I thought my dad was disgusting and and felt sorry for my mom. Kids should not grow out feeling sorry for a parent.\nAnyone who would cheat in those situations is just a bad person. You do not have to sacrifice your life for a bad person.\nMy daughters have the most amazing step dad ever, their dad is in their life as well but their step dad is the type of man I would want them to marry. Don’t worry about all the extra stuff. I promise there is a better partner for\nYou. Put yourself first with this. You deserve better. \nYou will unknowingly put up all these walls and won’t realize until later that you’re not actually bonding with your kid because you have this painful thing that’s happened to you that you’re ignoring. Been there done that. One day you will realize you wasted years of your life pretending everything was okay. You do not have to!\nHe should be treating you like a queen during that time! This wasn’t a mistake he made this is a character flaw! The first year or two will be difficult but it will get better! When you start a new life your confidence will build and everything will get easier ! Peace is priceless and you’re never going to feel that again with him.\nMe and my husband are intimate daily and we have been together for years , trust me when I say being with someone you trust and are super attracted to is worth it!!", "I don't think it would be different in another relationship, and I think both of us accept that we have sexual hangups. But I always wonder if I would be more sexually passionate in a different relationship. --- **tl;dr**: Do men just inherently look at the greener grass, or does a good relationship make you feel settled and satisfied? And please don't say \"open relationship\" as the answer...", "What do I need to do to get full SSI disability if i live with my parents? 23. I’ve been diagnosed & everything but. I am not eligible for SSDI bc I haven’t worked. So I was reading about SSI and they said if you live with your parents who pay the bills they’ll take that out of your check. The thing about fair share. So what do I need to do? Say i’m homeless but sleep on their couch? Move out to.... a group home? " ], "top_scores": [ 5.5256242752075195, 5.3658671379089355, 4.727879047393799, 4.625919342041016, 4.503602027893066 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies critical evaluation of interpersonal relationship dynamics and partner behavior.", "pearson_r": 0.26358399116848485, "pred_f1": 0.5263157894736842 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4165, "freq": 0.005390406441194533, "mean_pos": 2.8481762409210205, "max_act": 6.147777557373047, "log_density": -2.2683784068401933, "top_texts": [ "*Mindfulness is a state of nonjudgmental awareness of what’s happening in the present moment, including the awareness of one’s own thoughts, feelings, and senses.*", "Ik heb dit alleen wanneer ik echt sterk opkijk tegen hetgeen ik die dag moet doen.", "Yeah they do the same. Any shadows that there are, they’re lurking in them. They just won’t hurt me if I’m not alone or in daylight. I can always feel them hiding though. It sucks but it’s nice knowing I’m not alone, thank you", "I know exactly what you’re talking about but I wish I had better words to describe it. It sounds so edgy to say it feels like there’s a horrible darkness in me somewhere, but it’s the only thing to call it", "Navigating relationships with BPD is hell I am so sick of everything to do with BPD and relationships. A couple of months ago I got out of a relationship with someone who treated me like shit for a year but I let them get away with it because I was convinced that it was my fault; that it was me coming on way too strong rather than them just being a bad person to be in a relationship with. \n\nNow I have someone new, who seems super nice but every single time I get ignored or they're not as enthusiastic as I am I take it as some kind of personal attack. I always disclose mental health issues as soon as relationships start to get serious but never really go into detail as it doesn't seem like the right time, and now I can't do that because I feel like I'll be manipulating my partner into treating me differently and that is not what I want at all. I am so confused and exhausted by having to assess every single thing that I do or that gets done to me from 100 different angles. \n\nHow do I navigate relationships without either being way too into it or not into it enough? How do I deal with the starting bit of a relationship where it's not supposed to be serious or intense? I am so used to living like this that I feel like it's now having a huge effect on me and every single person around me and I do not know how to cope with all of that and still be a functional human.\n\nThanks for the space to rant. I am going to try and shower and have breakfast and keep myself busy so I do not sit and obsess about every little detail that I cannot control." ], "top_scores": [ 6.147777557373047, 5.7434492111206055, 5.278430938720703, 4.8970723152160645, 4.581092357635498 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the subjective experience of internalizing or personifying psychological distress as an external or autonomous presence.", "pearson_r": 0.2721655269759086, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5283, "freq": 0.0052311961243660015, "mean_pos": 2.9302978515625, "max_act": 5.574485778808594, "log_density": -2.281398914380634, "top_texts": [ "Also, being overweight definitely doesn’t help, it’s like a constant reminder", "Squad up.” His eyes lit up. “DIS MAN CRAZY AS A FUCK! I LOVE YOU BRO.” Then we took that picture.", "But yeah, it's important that he keeps his food in because chemo is a hard thing on the body but if he eats well outside that week then there's that at least. I conquered my fears in the end...still not happily taking those pills but enough to take the pills.", "It would help if you listed every substance including medication that you have taken in the week leading up to the drug test.", "The importance of steady state is that this is usually when medication starts becoming therapeutic. Not starts to have an effect, but starts to have a therapuetic effect." ], "top_scores": [ 5.574485778808594, 5.508876800537109, 5.304530620574951, 5.169071674346924, 5.087163925170898 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the physiological and practical management of medication and physical health.", "pearson_r": -0.1278405544201186, "pred_f1": 0.35294117647058826 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8137, "freq": 0.005322173448268019, "mean_pos": 2.879223108291626, "max_act": 7.135312557220459, "log_density": -2.2739108944072313, "top_texts": [ "rough morning. again. so this morning i got up on time (for once!), got out the door and on my way to work with a bit of time to spare, was feeling good about myself. got about a quarter of the way through my 1-hour commute and suddenly remembered i'd brought my work computer home last night, and forgotten to grab it this morning when i left. again. \n\nturned around at the next exit, dashed back home and grabbed my computer bag (and explained to my kids why i was back so soon... they weren't surprised). back on the freeway, got lucky with traffic and still made it to the office only slightly late. then just now it hit me that i'd ALSO forgotten to take my meds this morning. now i'm guzzling coffee but it doesn't do much of course. fuck my worthless goddamn brain. >: (\n\nsorry to be a downer, just had to get that off my chest. at least it's Friday...", "Forgot to do something PRETTY important (tmi?) So I wake up. Go to the bathroom. Dispose of pad from the night. Finish and leave bathroom. One fatal flaw: I somehow forgot to use a new pad, went to the bathroom a while later, and experienced the bloody consequences of that mistake. Fun morning! Adhd brain combined with sleepy brain is a real experience. ", "Much to and fro ensued, form filling, up front payment for surgery, hospital stay, food, meds. Peter the Poet is home now, ordered not to put any weight on his foot for 6 weeks. I'm grateful to the staff of the hospital that inserted a titanium piece to his \"clean brake\" bone. I'm happy he's alive! edited for blatant spelling error", "ADHD is buying a salad to bring to dinner, leaving it out so you don't forget it, and finding it on the counter the next day Didnt even realize i forgot it as I was eating a veggie-less dinner last night", "I'm not sure if the sign is a good idea. I would imagine it will sting him that he's coming home early and that just makes his \"failure\" more public, more visible." ], "top_scores": [ 7.135312557220459, 5.906602382659912, 5.388566017150879, 4.697836399078369, 4.564023017883301 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures instances of executive dysfunction characterized by forgetfulness, absent-mindedness, or the failure to complete routine tasks.", "pearson_r": 0.25165922208279906, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10223, "freq": 0.005367662110219028, "mean_pos": 2.8524532318115234, "max_act": 5.5472002029418945, "log_density": -2.270214749538801, "top_texts": [ "Enig og en turnusordning skulle etableres så man ikke kunne sidde der mere end x antal år. \nI dette tilfælde ville forskere indenfor misbrug, jurister, læger og kriminalogen i artiklen eksempelvis have lige så meget at skulle sige som politiet.", "However you consistently framed it in comparison to other people, implying you’re superior to them. That’s what is grandiose", "It's treated the same as all the other mental disorders.\n\nDoctors, counselors, and other mental health workers don't believe anything I say anymore, but as far as insurance goes nothing changed.", "Eh. I don't think normality exists. Either that or up to this point in my life, I've only ever met crazy people.", "I did go to an urologist who just made me feel like I was crazy." ], "top_scores": [ 5.5472002029418945, 5.4628400802612305, 5.345276355743408, 5.330406665802002, 4.299111366271973 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of being invalidated, dismissed, or gaslit by medical or authority figures regarding one's mental state.", "pearson_r": 0.2272988190846808, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5120, "freq": 0.005367662110219028, "mean_pos": 2.8515050411224365, "max_act": 5.757190704345703, "log_density": -2.270214749538801, "top_texts": [ "I'm hoping that I can get some of the community to share into the database to make it as useful as possible. Does this sound like something that would be used? Would you, if you were homeless, use it? I've volunteered in homeless shelters and have had friends who have found themselves homeless, but I'm not sure how/if many actually have smartphones with app capabilities. What are your thoughts?", "I'm from India. \nWill I be able to get hold of something similar to Kratom?", " The title pretty much says it all but I want to add all the gory details. In my girlfriends family there are a lot of hammy downs. There is just a plethora of clothing and obscene amounts of things that nobody needs, so when I want a thing the answer is almost universally \"lets ask my mom first before buying\". In my life thus far I don't really take other peoples things. I have like 5 pairs of jeans and like 3 more pants I bought for work, but other than that I don't have extra stuff and I like it that way.", "I was 17-18 when I got the vaccines, I was 19 when I got the blood tests stating that I do not have any of those antibodies. But thank you for the information, I did not know this. I assumed you had those antibodies for life when you got vaccines so this calms by worries mildly. The doctors I saw also seemed confused at me having not having antibodies so that had me very worried as well.", "How do I use it to my advantage. Many would say that this condition is detrimental in the current world because we are different. How can I use it to my advantage to thrive?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.757190704345703, 5.152329444885254, 5.026898384094238, 4.629194736480713, 4.5413336753845215 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents inquiries regarding practical information, personal utility, or strategic navigation of external circumstances.", "pearson_r": 0.008436190597227805, "pred_f1": 0.5555555555555556 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 484, "freq": 0.0055951054199740715, "mean_pos": 2.734332323074341, "max_act": 5.679770469665527, "log_density": -2.252191648694529, "top_texts": [ "I was not allowed to talk to anyone. I was not even allowed to be on Facebook. Erik made me feel like a prisoner. When i had the Facebook app my phone would always get this random pop up notification saying my login has expired but I was never even logging in because I was too scared of what Erik would do to me. I was only allowed to safely be on my phone while I was next to him and only if I was doing something like reading or watching videos.", "I couldn't answer that question because I couldn't maintain that my feelings were better than other people's and that broke my testimony.", "Before I could tell Erik we should go outside he threw me back onto the bed saying, \"yeah, you will make a deal. You will show me everything that you do behind my back, you fucking liar. You are always on your phone talking to guys and now you will show me everything!\" Erik had me on my bed laying pushed against the wall while he laid down on me with his full body weight. His body is so big and heavy it was making it harder and harder for me to breath as he was crushing me.", "Yeah me too. Not to be edgy (I'm just a true crime buff so related things are often on my mind) but the notorious serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer (one of us in being a diagnosed schizotypal, unfortunately) once candidly described and explained the path he went down with isolation, alcohol abuse, psychosexual weirdness, and schizotypal perceptions etc. (that eventually morphed into/resulted in the unspeakable horrors he's known for) by saying: **\"From [a certain age] my thoughts were basically unshareable.\"**\n\nObviously my thoughts are very different from the issues he was alluding to in that statement, and I'm taking it rather out of context here, but that resonated with me on a very deep level as a schizotypal with concurrent psychosexual issues (though mine aren't paraphilic per se) that tie in and so forth (and as someone who similarly self-medicates as a result in lieu of healthier coping mechanisms). \n\nI mean that's basically the crux of it right there. The schizotypal perceptions, that pataphor-matrix, the psychosexual stuff, my whole alien nature and worldview, it's all essentially \"unshareable\" in many ways/senses--I don't feel comfortable or trust a clinician enough to share all of it so as to convey the big picture of my psyche, it wouldn't be understood if I did, people around me struggle greatly to understand me even as they like/love me, etc. A lot of my deal is unshareable, and the resultant alienation is unbearable (at least, without drugs drugs drugs).", "When you feel like you can’t show your true personality Every time someone tells me to just be myself I feel like I can’t show that personality to the world. Like truly being me would make people feel weird to be around me. Contributes a lot to my depression. Anyone else feel this way?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.679770469665527, 5.494818210601807, 5.150914192199707, 4.792889595031738, 4.333951473236084 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents experiences of coercive control, interpersonal abuse, or social alienation.", "pearson_r": 0.19628031778321212, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3640, "freq": 0.005390406441194533, "mean_pos": 2.8333518505096436, "max_act": 5.4861555099487305, "log_density": -2.2683784068401933, "top_texts": [ "Let's stick with nonviolent punishments. Negative and positive reinforcement is always better when teaching kids to do something", "I relate alot to needing constant reassurance, but it's not about guilt. Similar behaviors but completely different reasons is what it sounds like to me", "I consider two things: what is the social reward for changing to the \"normal\" behaviour in public, and how difficult is it to implement convincingly? If it's easy to implement and helps socially, I find it worth the effort. \n\nPerhaps it might be easier for you to make one or two changes at a time in order to gauge your own feelings as well as the reactions of others.", "Reassurance. Ever need reassurance from someone but don't want to ask cause they are just saying it for the sake that you asked and not genuinely know that they care.", "But you shouldn't panic and despair and try to convince him otherwise. He will dig his heels in. Express your feelings, but don't try to force it. That never ends well imo." ], "top_scores": [ 5.4861555099487305, 4.708444118499756, 4.4226202964782715, 4.417424201965332, 4.408520221710205 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the strategic navigation of social dynamics, interpersonal reinforcement, and behavioral adaptation.", "pearson_r": 0.365605363520503, "pred_f1": 0.6956521739130435 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6522, "freq": 0.005390406441194533, "mean_pos": 2.812389373779297, "max_act": 5.531599998474121, "log_density": -2.2683784068401933, "top_texts": [ "Yeah, TikTok and Twitter are vicious towards Black women. I'm an elder millennial (36) and I am so glad that my formative years were before TikTok and Twitter became a thing because I'm sure they would have absolutely killed my self-esteem. It was already difficult enough growing up but those cesspools would have cratered it. I feel really badly for young Black girls growing up today, without seeing things like Living Single, A Different World, etc when they were young and those images being able to give them different images of lots of different types of Black women instead of what we have now, which is essentially biracial women representing all Black women. I can understand why Gen Z seem so obsessed with getting white people to like them and so uncomfortable I guess? with being Black, even if it makes me really sad for them. It's hard out here for Black girls. Even Black men are down on us, which is a damn shame.", "This. Scroll through TikTok and you'll see plenty of kids pretending to have DID, autism, bipolar, BPD, tourettes, and psychosis. They glorify mental illnesses because they want to feel special.", "Wintertime Blues (SAD - Seasonal Affective Disorder) First time poster here guys!\n\nI stumbled upon something very interesting recently. Usually I am ALWAYS gloomy and somewhat depressed and withdrawn this time of the year.\n\nI just don't feel like myself.\n\nI understand depression can definitely be a multifaceted issue but I figure I might be able to help a few people suffering from SAD this winter.\n\nThe suns not out, its frigid and icy... it sucks.\n\nBasically, I was craving cheese for some reason. In my anatomy class, we learned about how vitamin D actually increases calcium absorption since calcium isn't absorbed properly without it.\n\nI decided to do some self-experimentation immediately after class and what I found / felt astounded me!\n\nI put together a comprehensive post on my experience here: [https://vivacityandvigor.com/do-you-have-the-wintertime-blues/](https://vivacityandvigor.com/do-you-have-the-wintertime-blues/)\n\nFeel free to read and provide some feedback on how it works for you!\n\nIf it worked for me, it might work for you.\n\nEven if this only helps one person struggling with seasonal affective disorder; I will be ecstatic!\n\nMy blogs goal is to restore your health mentally and physically.\n\nI know this can be of value to my fellow redditors!\n\nBest Regards!\n\nByteOfCyberSpace", "Informed consent is everything in medicine, yet in psychiatry it doesn't exist nearly to the same extent. I never even have been told by shrinks psych meds give you withdrawals. I found that one out on YouTube this year", "TIL it's only bad for white people to tout self-diagnosed disorders." ], "top_scores": [ 5.531599998474121, 5.310125827789307, 5.260402679443359, 5.185693264007568, 4.894429683685303 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures discourse surrounding the skepticism, criticism, or social commentary regarding the online representation and self-diagnosis of mental health conditions.", "pearson_r": -0.23498939817841868, "pred_f1": 0.26666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1281, "freq": 0.005208451793390498, "mean_pos": 2.901414394378662, "max_act": 5.148263931274414, "log_density": -2.2832912676958057, "top_texts": [ "not intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts are unwanted, uncontrollable thoughts of things that really bother you that you do not want to act on and would never do. These are more like impulsive thoughts or urges.", "Vraylar. Akasthisia was so bad I had to go to psych urgent care and was put on benzos. I was crying in pain", "WARNING GRAPHIC! That same day my accident and hospitalization insurance claim was denied because that insurance product was canceled in March, by my husband, who claimed we were already divorced. He did this in March, April and May all following court dates or arrests. It will be fixed, but like the rest of the insurance cancellations, it’s going to take a few weeks.", "Oh god yes. Like “oh I’m always there for everyone but they’re never there for me” and that kinda toxic thoughts lol", "It's largely considered to be neurodevelopmental. Certain brain regions are shown to be sized incorrectly, there are neurons pointing the wrong direction, etc. Even the chemical aspect isn't fully understood, it isn't so simple as \"too much dopamine\" since it's effect is too strong in some areas of the brain and too weak in others." ], "top_scores": [ 5.148263931274414, 5.03656530380249, 5.025163173675537, 4.768381595611572, 4.585641384124756 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the analytical or clinical categorization of mental health symptoms, medications, and diagnostic definitions.", "pearson_r": -0.04195086236710471, "pred_f1": 0.5833333333333334 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9500, "freq": 0.005162963131439489, "mean_pos": 2.9229698181152344, "max_act": 5.695253372192383, "log_density": -2.2871008921079223, "top_texts": [ "I was tested for depression and they said that I passed the test I was distracted and didn't hear what my doctor said do I have depression or not? [extra context below⬇️] My doctor said, \"the results were a pass, which is normal for a kid in your situation\" (divorced parents and other things that i'd rather not share online.", "Kaiser ADHD test results normal.. Basically, I am a 20 year old college student that got referred to get tested for ADHD. I met with a psychiatrist at Kaiser and she suspected that I had ADHD and transferred me to another psychiatrist to have me take a test for it. I never thought about me having ADHD or anything a long those lines until my psychiatrist talked to me about it and it explained a lot of stuff that I had issues with. \n\nThe test consisted of a computer program where I had to press the space bar every time X came onto the screen. Then I filled out a test packet that asked a bunch of questions. I never had a conversation past the instructions with the psychiatrist that was testing me. I got a phone call today that my test results came back normal to slightly above normal, claiming that I don't have ADHD.\n\nHonestly, I am 100% confident that I do have. Just talking to my first psychiatrist and telling her my problems, she suspected it off the bat that I had it. Looking into it more, like this subreddit, I finally figured out why I do certain stuff and things happen to me. I learned that Kaiser isn't the best regarding mental health, but I am covered under my parents insurance so it's my only real option. \n\nI've contacted the first psychiatrist again hoping to talk to her and see what can be done. I just worry that she is going to say that the test results came back normal and there's nothing more they are going to do. I guess, I wondering if anyone else been in this situation? If so could give some insight and some help on how to proceed. ", "Yes I had no idea at the time why they were testing me. It was basically just questions about you and different life situations and you rate on a scale how they affect you.", "What test is this? If it's not being done by a psychologist, psychiatrist, or neuropsych then I'd say don't worry until you see a real provider. If you are experiencing distressing symptoms, it would be a good idea to reach out to one about valid testing.", "How do they test for this? Like what tests did she do? Could you please let me know." ], "top_scores": [ 5.695253372192383, 5.572919845581055, 5.503173351287842, 5.428382873535156, 5.42289400100708 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the process and uncertainty surrounding clinical diagnostic testing for mental health conditions.", "pearson_r": 0.6600270839034852, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1433, "freq": 0.00511747446948848, "mean_pos": 2.948284387588501, "max_act": 6.20009183883667, "log_density": -2.2909442304419736, "top_texts": [ "Baldness 😔 Baldness. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, this shit draw sucks ass and hurts the ego or self-esteem even more than I ever thought. If your a man and your are in the stages of losing your locks, you know what I mean.", "Ja det virker ikke specielt pålideligt, men skizofreni er også lidt en skraldespands diagnose for alle de patienter der ikke har symptomer der passer helt ind i de andre kasser. Så det er vel i Hillerød? Hvor jeg kørte forbi i sidste uge hmm...", "Meds Hey guys. I just started on Wellbutrin and klonopin today. Any of you have any good/bad experiences with these meds, in particular Wellbutrin?", "Does anyone ever feel physically too weak. Everyday I experience a rush of weakness or something. It’s hard to explain. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a medical condition or if it’s just my depression. At some point in the day I’ll randomly just feel incredibly fatigued but it’ll usually pass in a few minutes. Almost as if my brain and body are shutting off.", "A Metaphor for ADHD Hello,\n\n&#x200B;\n\nI recently dropped out of college during my second year due to poor mental health and the fact that I was failing. Originally, I thought that I was only suffering from anxiety and depression, though now I'm pretty convinced I have ADHD and these are comorbid conditions. Yet to be tested/diagnosed, hopefully I'll get around to that soon. Anyway, I thought of a metaphor to describe what's going on in my head on a daily basis; let me know if it resonates with you.\n\n&#x200B;\n\nImagine a busy intersection where several roads intersect. There are no stoplights, only a single traffic guard in the middle, signaling to the drivers when to stop and go. But the drivers are completely ignoring the traffic guard, they simply go whenever they want. So the cars swerve past each other, honking endlessly, and occasionally crashing into one another." ], "top_scores": [ 6.20009183883667, 5.07678747177124, 4.946320533752441, 4.860712051391602, 4.670281887054443 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the intersection of personal health inquiries, medication experiences, and the process of self-diagnosing or questioning the origin of physical and mental symptoms.", "pearson_r": 0.06340072263146573, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6829, "freq": 0.005094730138512976, "mean_pos": 2.9586021900177, "max_act": 7.7032036781311035, "log_density": -2.2928787298403117, "top_texts": [ "Der er ikke resourcer nok og hele systemet er fucked up.", "I mean. Google was just an example. My main issue is the amount of research bpd has recieved vs the lack of resources in general for other pds.", "We have thousands and don't posses the strength to keep at it unfortunately", "* Weak α2 affinity: triazolam, chlordiazepoxide (stronger affinity for α3), brotizolam, quazepam, tetrazepam (stronger affinity for α3), and a few others. - * High α3 affinity: diazepam, clonazepam, temazepam, lorazepam, tetrazepam, flunitrazepam, nimetazepam, phenazepam, and bromazepam. - * Moderate α3 affinity: alprazolam, adinazolam, estazolam, chlordiazepoxide, clorazepate, and flurazepam.", "How do you deal with lack of hunger/appetite​ These past few days have been a real struggle with my lack of appetite to the point where I am force feeding myself because I know I need to eat. Last night it took me an hour to finish a burger and when I was halfway through I decided eating just the patty would be enough for me. I just don't know what to do" ], "top_scores": [ 7.7032036781311035, 6.7625508308410645, 6.21381950378418, 5.313546180725098, 5.2174248695373535 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents systemic inadequacy, resource scarcity, and clinical or pharmacological analysis.", "pearson_r": 0.3856149436398494, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2203, "freq": 0.005458639434121045, "mean_pos": 2.7608678340911865, "max_act": 5.3084893226623535, "log_density": -2.2629155121457916, "top_texts": [ "How do I cope with this specific depressive trigger? Background info: one of the big factors for my depression was getting too attached to a girl I liked. Ofcourse she ended finding a boyfriend and I broke down (other factors were also involved)\nIt has now been 1,5 years since then. Her and I are very good friends and I have more or less accepted that she is not interested in me romanticaly. \nHowever, her boyfriend is still a massive depressive trigger for me. Last time I saw them together it affected me so much I almost couldn’t come back from it. \nNow I have just been invited to her birthday party, where he will be attending. I considered not attending, however she told me that she want me there, as I am one of her best friends. Do any of you have some advice on how I can survive that party?\nMany thanks in advance", "The idea of going inpatient has always terrified me. Being away from my loved ones in a strange environment for who knows how long… being involuntarily submitted would be even worse.", "I (26f) have a partner (23nb), Em, who has misophonia. I'm a metalworker by trade and I worked as a migrant farmworker in Germany for a few years in my youth, through which I developed some eating habits that really disturb Em.", "The father has one of the most notable family lawyers in Illinois working his case. Justine cannot afford a lawyer. She has followed through with her treatment for PPD and has had psychiatric evaluations and physical home visits to prove she can provide a safe and loving home for her child. For over a year Justine has been fighting merely for the right to even see her child. She's been issued Skype visits.", "I may or may not have gotten chronically ill at 16, and now at 21 I’m in a state where I can managed my illness, however I have no idea how to live as an adult because the past five years were spent in either my bed or a hospital. Hahaahahaha" ], "top_scores": [ 5.3084893226623535, 5.0248637199401855, 4.451779842376709, 4.434159278869629, 4.329032897949219 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of personal life history, specific external stressors, and the developmental challenges of navigating adulthood while managing chronic mental or physical health conditions.", "pearson_r": 0.46393162128695653, "pred_f1": 0.72 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3147, "freq": 0.005003752814610958, "mean_pos": 3.0111451148986816, "max_act": 6.329158306121826, "log_density": -2.30070406580238, "top_texts": [ "I am not judging the man, but this villainization of her just because of a legal disagreement that can be settled in court easily, with a person of the same wealth and legal standing as them, is not shitty/disgusting. It's a legal dispute. The way people are trying to frame it as her abusing a disabled, old, fragile veteran is just nasty. If she were to sue a random old middle class disabled man with no family left, I'd agree. In this case, this sounds like they are just trying to garner public support like the nuns did to win a legal dispute. The provided source being a military newspaper shows obvious bias too. Them highlighting that Huntington's has psychiatric symptoms is just the icing on the cake, like yes, it's an awful disease with a bad effect on memory, impulses, and devolves into dementia, if your loved one is in such state, put them in a conservatorship or get POA granted!! These laws and legal processes literally exist for cases like this...", "I make a good living and only want to get on with life. Plus I know filing a claim at the VA is humiliating and I don’t want to go though what others I fear have. Thanks for listening. I posted this as there was a guy on the foxnews site dogging people with fake PTSD because his son served in combat and is fine. Mike", "I go to the VA and I see people who need it more than me. I make a good living and only want to get on with life. Plus I know filing a claim at the VA is humiliating and I don’t want to go though what others I fear have. Thanks for listening. I posted this as there was a guy on the foxnews site dogging people with fake PTSD because his son served in combat and is fine.", "I’m coming to find that my family are rapist sympathizers given the “right” circumstance (ie. sports). How would you want the media to change? What would make it easier to watch the news while also covering newsworthy topics? My head is in a fog still so hopefully that all made sense.", "Politics is killing me, and 2017 was the year everything became political Everything. From my mental illness and even the damn internet I use every day...\n\nI get my mother telling me that I need to get away from it. Asking if I'm a glutton for punishment or something.\n\nHow do I get away? I can't ignore it because it affects me.... I just don't know what to do" ], "top_scores": [ 6.329158306121826, 6.3184895515441895, 6.265951633453369, 5.5840373039245605, 5.157276630401611 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of personal mental health struggles with external sociopolitical stressors and public discourse.", "pearson_r": 0.4179457339679012, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 256, "freq": 0.005322173448268019, "mean_pos": 2.830404281616211, "max_act": 6.485785484313965, "log_density": -2.2739108944072313, "top_texts": [ "Can symptoms of ADHD be overshadowed by upbringing? I know of diagnosed individuals who had fidgety hands or legs that would get beat every time they exhibited it (crazy catholic teachers). These individuals are now as stiff as rocks. \n\nI grew up with someone who has ADHD and impulse issues. He was impulsive about everything but his money. His dad was extremely frugal and would always scold him for spending money. \n\n\nSo i guess my question is can effects of ADHD be almost overwritten by how one is raised? Not that I think beating kids for moving too much is a solution of course. Just curious", "It’s amazing how one good person in your life, someone to ground you and show you how to handle things can really change someone. Considering how bad my upbringing was from just the shit I saw and observed having someone who actually cared about me is probably what saved me from developing into a full blown psychopath. As much as I struggled early in my adult life I thankfully got myself together enough to function enough to live a peaceful existence", "The very first case that mentally fucked me up during my intro to true crime", "So I myself am a narcissist and i believe i was raised in a pretty decent home. Nice suburban community in a gated neighborhood, loving parents, lots of friends. However my parents are more strict than most. I hate them but honestly I feel that they’re good parents. I found myself asking the same question at one point. I actually have a minor in psychology and one thing that helped answer that question was “perceived trauma”. Basically as a child you can have things that may not be very drastic be taken as traumatic. These “perceived traumas” in development can define future brain patterns ie narcissism. So basically while i wasn’t raised in a bad home I may have mistaken my parents parenting as worse than it was.", "No one is diagnosed a sociopath unless they were diagnosed in the 70s, I think you mean being diagnosed with ASPD.\n\nBut to answer your question, yes, you might. Being raised with people who have major anti social traits will reflect on your perception of normal, even when there's no trauma in your case, but you would less likely grow up with full blown aspd. Living with a narcissistic mother however and unstable siblings, there's a chance that it affects how you developed as a person and you may have similar traits to them.\n\nAlso not everyone with ASPD is the same. I cried over the death of all the pets I had so far but a human's suffering won't move me. It's a spectrum after all." ], "top_scores": [ 6.485785484313965, 6.281765937805176, 5.158764839172363, 4.589074611663818, 4.555429935455322 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The theme is the influence of childhood upbringing and parental environment on adult psychological development and personality traits.", "pearson_r": 0.36190242083127167, "pred_f1": 0.631578947368421 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3809, "freq": 0.005208451793390498, "mean_pos": 2.886443614959717, "max_act": 6.7030134201049805, "log_density": -2.2832912676958057, "top_texts": [ "WARNING GRAPHIC! That same day my accident and hospitalization insurance claim was denied because that insurance product was canceled in March, by my husband, who claimed we were already divorced. He did this in March, April and May all following court dates or arrests. It will be fixed, but like the rest of the insurance cancellations, it’s going to take a few weeks.", "\"The catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles has agreed to pay $880 million to settle sex abuse claims made by more than 1,300 alleged victims\ndating back to the 1940s.", "Saw the episode and immediately was on guard but it was short and the show wants to be era specific and mental illness was viewed way more negatively in the 80s, so they could've used slurs and continued jokes but they didn't.", "PSA: Think before you do an insensitive April fools prank I always like a good April fools prank, and am a big fan of dark humor. I took it too far today, though, when I shared a fake headline about a celebrity dying from COVID.\n\nNo one thought it was funny, (and for good reason). Don't be like me. Think before you act! There is a reason many companies canceled their April fools jokes today.", "Lokking for a PDF file about Rejection Sensitivity downloaded from here last year Hi All, some time last year I downloaded a PDF file from here name (at the time) 'Lauren RSD.pdf' which contains an article by William Dodson about Rejection Sensitivity. [Link to PDF](https://www.dropbox.com/s/pdq7hbali3sn3x5/RSD.PDF?dl=0) It was posted in a comment thread about RSD.\n\nIt appears that the page 5 of the paper is missing from the PDF. I cannot seem to trace this pdf anywhere (incl. reddit - maybe the link was removed). It doesn't seem to be linked anywhere on William Dodson's website either. I am really interested in the content of that page due to the fact that RSD has always featured in my life and is having a devastating impact in all the areas of it.\n\nCould any of you shed any light on where this article might have been published originally? I thought I'd ask here first before emailing the author.\n\nThank you" ], "top_scores": [ 6.7030134201049805, 5.6089396476745605, 5.322752475738525, 4.716170310974121, 4.60247278213501 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding external news, public events, or specific informational resources rather than personal emotional experiences.", "pearson_r": 0.2616185726064303, "pred_f1": 0.42857142857142855 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1258, "freq": 0.00511747446948848, "mean_pos": 2.9329519271850586, "max_act": 7.82105016708374, "log_density": -2.2909442304419736, "top_texts": [ "Ihan sama päti vielä kun synnyin 1993 savoon 10 000 asukkaan Pieksämäkeen. Vain romanit vitutti. Tummaihoiset oli kavereita kun olin itse koulukiusattu ja syrjitty ihminen. :D", "I feel all of that. I'm already in the bed on a Saturday night so you can tell my calendar is slam full of excitement.", "Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th.", "Help me network, help me find a room, please! ISO a room for rent as soon as possible. Looking for a roommate-type situation, a room in someone's house, etc. Not looking for full houses or units. I need as soon as possible--I'm dealing with an emergency situation and am losing my housing on Friday, August 11th.", "I guess that a cake, you know i have only two things that convince everyone around me that I'm not a vampire, (they decided a demon but this would work) first my love to garlic, i eat so much of it that my roommate wonder sometimes what wrong with me, literally anything salty is with garlic, And alot of it. and second I'm actually a blood donor, because this is important and if you can go donate blood, anything else? Check me in, extremely pale tall dark hair with ocd and defined as \"souls sucking\" i have more but i need to declare my presence to my roommate ✨" ], "top_scores": [ 7.82105016708374, 6.047061920166016, 5.560055732727051, 5.560055732727051, 5.334372043609619 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies expressions of immediate social isolation, loneliness, or the urgent need for housing and companionship.", "pearson_r": 0.447459182336425, "pred_f1": 0.5714285714285714 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5037, "freq": 0.005026497145586463, "mean_pos": 2.986032247543335, "max_act": 7.51389217376709, "log_density": -2.2987344733322077, "top_texts": [ "Found this while scrolling through my feed. I took a CBD gummy with just a little bit of THC this past weekend. 10mg CBD : 10mg CBG : 2mg THC and it fucked me up WAY harder than I was expecting. I legit was expecting a micro dose because of the low THC and high CBD ratio. NOT FUN. I was so so wrong. Fucking hell.", "Adorable the most original ship on here I ship Toothy with Cuddles and Flaky with no one because she a ball of anxiety RIP TOOTHY EYES", "Jeg blander som regel CBD topskud i min vaporizer sammen med weed indeholdende THC for at få en mere rolig og mild høj.", "I have started to cut my homegrown high THC weed with legal CBD weed in a roughly 50/50 ratio. I makes the experience very mellow and dials the intensity way down so I can actually do stuff instead of ending up at my local pizza place a start jumping while I wait because I wanted to \"not look weird or high\"... I am such an idiot haha", "However.\nThis sweet plushie is the cutest spider I've ever seen, I genuinely wouldn't mind if someone got this for me as a gift. Little friend would take a bit of time to get used to cause, y'know, phobia, but once gotten used to Im 90% sure they'd become a common plush in the Cuddle Pile <3 Excellent job! Absolute baby!!" ], "top_scores": [ 7.51389217376709, 7.22125244140625, 6.8222150802612305, 6.1058502197265625, 6.051510810852051 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the discussion of substance use, specifically the effects and ratios of cannabis-related products like CBD and THC.", "pearson_r": 0.2422162225844181, "pred_f1": 0.5 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 3762, "freq": 0.005276684786317011, "mean_pos": 2.8439271450042725, "max_act": 4.960791110992432, "log_density": -2.277638766223018, "top_texts": [ "Don't give up because some guy who claims to be a trainer gave you bad advice and has his head up his butt. You're already doing really well.", "I know it well. People asking me what I want when my default is always to say whatever I know they will want so when I try and decide for myself, I simply don’t know what I want or like for that matter. Poor Siri is often the one who decides for me when I ask her to flip a coin.", "Just humbly looking for a kind word today Hey, you know sometimes when you just need to hear positive affirmations and that people care about you? Today is definitely one of those days because I feel like a worthless POS. \n\nI have moderate to severe depression with crippling anxiety. Comes and goes in waves and I’m extremely influenced by the actions of others, intentional or not, they are my triggers. \n\nExample: someone intentionally ignoring your messages and not responding ( might not be a big deal to others but to me that sends me spiraling in to anxiety and overthinking worse case scenario )\n\nOr if someone doesn’t follow through on what they said they where going to do. \n\nOr if someone says something to me in s certain way, I usually take it up the wrong way and again, triggers my anxiety. \n\nI’m on medication ( SSRI, Xanax ) have went to therapy, have tried all the self help stuff and none of us works :-(\n\nI don’t have direct suicidal thoughts, I don’t think I’d ever take my own life, but I do have thoughts sometimes of “ it would be easier if I could just go away “\n\n:-(", "I didn’t know where else to post this, but I need advice please I didn’t know where to post this I’m desperate sad and anxious plus I’m crying so here it goes\nI’m 19 years old about to turn 20 and I don’t know how to cook, is not that I don’t want to is that I just can’t hold information. I can learn how to cook something simple today and I’ll forget how to make it the next day, my family says I’m just making up excuses and that I can learn by watching or following recepies online but then it gets harder on me because I either don’t have the ingredients or I don’t know how they look like this was hard when I was in school since I had to stay till very late in tutoring doing math problems over and over and over again for a week till my teacher was sure I knew how to solve the problems, my family says it’s important for me to cook so that I can please my husband if I ever get married which It seems a bit sexist to me, I have asked them to help me learn but it never ends up good because I am a very sensible person and i am the type of person that will cry about anything which to them it’s just me faking it to make others feel sorry about me and have them leave me alone. This is something that has troubled me since I was 7 and has even made me consider suicide as a way to free my self away from them, Growing up I was thought that expressing your opinion or standing up for your self in front of anyone is a sign of disrespect, they don’t listen to me since basically everything I say it’s just an excuse for my behavior so I’m pretty submissive if I can call it that\nEdit: Spelling", "Do you ever feel like maybe you’re just mentally handicapped and no one will tell you? I know it’s irrational, but I just fail so hard at life that sometimes this is what I tell myself. I’m not trying to trivialize people who really have those disabilities, but sometimes I feel like I’m one of them but no one tells me" ], "top_scores": [ 4.960791110992432, 4.8428635597229, 4.779605865478516, 4.373837471008301, 4.3676629066467285 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents a state of profound self-doubt, identity confusion, and a desperate plea for external validation or reassurance.", "pearson_r": 0.4616577733024864, "pred_f1": 0.7 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4973, "freq": 0.0052311961243660015, "mean_pos": 2.8678431510925293, "max_act": 6.169408798217773, "log_density": -2.281398914380634, "top_texts": [ "Yeah, I tend to answer kinda vague, I think. It's become a habit to move the focus away from me and back to them as fast as humanly possible in a convo like that. I rarely ever give them a chance to actually respond to what I said, before they have to answer what they're up to these days instead. Can I ask how you usually respond?", "Gotcha. What kind of resources are you exactly looking for? Can you give me some specifics? Most resources I've seen now focus on groups like veterans or healthcare workers, but that does not exclude other individuals from benefitting from that work or those techniques.", "losing interest in people as soon as it begins What is it that when someone I've been interested in takes interest in me I instantly lose it? It annoys me that a guy I've been on a date with last night (and had a really nice time) texts me the next day (edit: and again 3 days later and I'm still not responding to him) Well I'm old now (sorry. for me. I'm almost 23) and never been with anyone (the full sex way, or a relationship. Some experience has been had.). Maybe I'm too used to being single? It's just so relaxing. Not having to give a damn about more people than my friends? Maybe I'm scared of the 'full sex thing\"? Maybe I'm asexual if I'm not interested in anyone once they like me? It's just a wonder.\n\nI don't know. Do You?\n\nI don't know which group this post belongs to I'm going to try here. ", "I’m not opposed to offering money, but once in college someone got a weird/a little sketchy when I stopped buying him monthly bus. Help! I’d appreciate any answers. Sorry if any of my comments are uninformed or unintentionally offensive. I’m sincerely asking advice for how you think I could temporarily help him.", "A special interest. I remember when I was 11, my half brother laughing about how he just wanted to make casual smalltalk and I was talking about hypnosis and out-of-body experiences " ], "top_scores": [ 6.169408798217773, 5.473395347595215, 4.952768325805664, 4.837714195251465, 4.71165132522583 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents social anxiety and interpersonal avoidance patterns characterized by self-consciousness and difficulty maintaining reciprocal engagement.", "pearson_r": 0.07413740256292595, "pred_f1": 0.47619047619047616 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4353, "freq": 0.005185707462414993, "mean_pos": 2.8845274448394775, "max_act": 6.283743858337402, "log_density": -2.285191902669527, "top_texts": [ "This dosage is totally achievable via a full spectrum tincture. If we estimate you took 60mg of CBD and 3mg of THC, this is a ratio of 20:1, which is pretty standard for full spectrum tinctures.", "The degree to which a neuron is myelinated can tell you a bit about the health of the neuron. Degradation of the myelin sheath in neurons can have very bad implications for the brain and possibly lead to a neurodegenerative disease. This is most pronounced in multiple sclerosis (MS), but can occur in other diseases as well.", "I’ve had the I would never lie to you. Lied about pretty much everything even small little things.", "“All I want is despair, and there’s no reason for it”\n- Danganronpa THH", "Nettilääkäriltä saa varmasti helposti 3mg tai 5mg melatoniini respan. Lääkkeet on paljon monimutkaisempia kuin vain se ilmoitettu annos. Sen takia niitä on saatavilla useissa eri annoskoossa. Kaksi pientä ei vastaa yhtä isoa, mikä on respan takana. Hyvänä esimerkkinä 600mg ja vahvemmat buranat vs. perus 400mg apteekin hyllyltä. \n " ], "top_scores": [ 6.283743858337402, 5.524916172027588, 5.224610805511475, 4.900556564331055, 4.765466690063477 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature detects technical, clinical, or quantitative discussions regarding pharmacological dosages, biological mechanisms, or specific diagnostic terminology.", "pearson_r": -0.33956270826131474, "pred_f1": 0.25 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4039, "freq": 0.005253940455341506, "mean_pos": 2.829820156097412, "max_act": 6.4043049812316895, "log_density": -2.279514770865477, "top_texts": [ "the chemical balance theory is all bs to begin with anyways. It was a hypothesis in the 70s that has never been proven true, but pharma companies have ran with it", "I’d say yes. This occurs to me too and I’ve picked up that it depends on what swing I’m on. But yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s cyclothymia related", "Link between large tonsils/snoring and ADD in children? My 9 y.o. shows signs of ADD (not hyperactivity) in that she is very bright but VERY \"spacey\". She loses her belongings very easily, rushes through school assignments, has a hard time following simple instructions at home, is a poor listener when given tasks to accomplish, and is highly disorganized.\n\nIn addition, she gets 10 - 11 hours of sleep each night yet is often tired with dark circles under her eyes. Physically, she doesn't have a lot of energy and is not very interested in sports. For example, I took her out of swimming lessons because it was too difficult for her to follow the Instructors directions and got very tired in comparison to her peers, She is healthy weight and height for her age. \n\nShe has huge tonsils (always has) and I have regularly heard her snoring at night but I have never noticed that her breathing stops or that she is struggling to catch her breath (sleep apnea). I am not looking for a diagnosis here, not looking for any medical advice, but I wondered if anyone in this forum can relate to this (disordered sleep/snoring) as a cause for your (or your child's) ADHD/ADD? I will be making an appointment with our GP to discuss all this.", "Pre game nerves, I'll take a 4-0/5-0 score line with a goal in the first 10 mins to settle the nerves.", "also fwiw i take “breaks” sometimes where i use the gel every other day or so. thats if i feel like im breaking out a lot or my hair is rly greasy. but i usually start taking it again not long after, bc i just like how i feel better on T. more comfortable inside myself i guess" ], "top_scores": [ 6.4043049812316895, 4.815330505371094, 4.754739761352539, 4.636842250823975, 4.575417518615723 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies analytical or speculative reasoning regarding the etiology, diagnosis, or management of personal health conditions.", "pearson_r": 0.40718715755934326, "pred_f1": 0.7272727272727273 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6041, "freq": 0.005162963131439489, "mean_pos": 2.878933906555176, "max_act": 5.512663841247559, "log_density": -2.2871008921079223, "top_texts": [ "How to tell my parents that I might be fired from my first job out of college? So I might be fired on Tuesday. I work at a small daily newspaper, and the number of articles I put out is below par (I'm supposed to put out at least 7 per week, and I average 4).\n\nMy supervisor really likes me as a person, and says my other coworkers (two total, that's how small this operation is) like me as well. He said our business manager wanted to speak with him about my issues, and my boss isn't sure what will come of that.\n\nMy question is, how do I tell my parents about this? This is my first job out of college, and I've been here three months. They're always telling me and everyone who will listen about how proud they and how much they like seeing my articles.\n\nAlso: today's my birthday. Happy birthday to me, I guess", "How to overcome PTSD when people resemble my attackers? I was robbed outside my parents house at gunpoint ~4 years ago. Anytime I see someone that dresses/acts like my attackers (baggy clothes, gang related tattoos, hoodies or clothes that help them easily cover their face, doesn’t appear to have somewhere to be, etc), I get extreme anxiety (sweaty palms, heart thumping, etc)\n\nWhen it first happened I was traumatized & my mom & sis would just tell me to “get over it” so I tried and now 4 years later I’m still learning to acknowledge my own feelings so I can move on finally.\n\nI live in areas where people sometimes look like my attackers. My brain subconsciously stereotypes & I get super stressed even if I know I’m safe.\n\nHow do I overcome this?", "Keep living out of pure, furious spite. Survive this part of your life, get through all the abuse until the day you can get out of your situation and leave them knowing that you're stronger than them, that they didn't beat you, that they didn't win. Leave and continue your life knowing that you can do what they cant; adapt, heal, change, and be kind.\n Plan for your future and start preparing for it; save money, get all your important documents and information safe, so when you get your chance to get out, you wont be left helpless or have to deal with the fear of being forced back into that situation.", "What is the most valuable item you have lost? I’m an art therapy intern at a mental health center. I bring my camera to work to document client artwork. Yesterday I took my camera out of my bag because I had to get my notebook to write notes, it was toward the end of the day so I was already tired. I ended up setting my camera on the floor and I didn’t notice that I had put it there before I left. Basically someone stole it and I feel like a big dummy because I wasn’t paying attention and I left it out for someone to steal. \nIt might make me feel better to know that I’m in good company because I feel pretty bad! ", "About a year and a half ago, we reconnected at a mutual friends wedding. It seemed like we really hit it off! Talking to her felt incredibly natural, and it seemed like we had a great back-and-forth rapport the entire time! As the wedding reception wore on, more than one person who knew the two of us from 8th grade said I should ask her to dance again, just like in the old days! Needless to say, I jumped at the opportunity and asked her to dance at the first slow song." ], "top_scores": [ 5.512663841247559, 4.969778060913086, 4.958290100097656, 4.6729302406311035, 4.644810676574707 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of navigating specific, external life stressors or interpersonal conflicts.", "pearson_r": 0.5108427684025951, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1092, "freq": 0.00511747446948848, "mean_pos": 2.8992111682891846, "max_act": 5.824322700500488, "log_density": -2.2909442304419736, "top_texts": [ "How much sleep is too much? Hello. So my situation right now is that I’m in between semesters of grad school. Next semester I’m doing my student teaching and that starts in about three weeks. But for now I have a pretty open schedule. I’m doing a little dog walking to make some extra money, but mostly I’m free. I love to sleep. My bed is my safe place. I sleep in and take naps. My question is how much sleep is too much? It’s hard for me to tell where the line is between sleeping because I like to and sleeping too much because I’m depressed.", "Is anyone here a grad student? Or do you have a graduate degree? I just defended my thesis and received a conditional pass with revisions. They basically want me to do some formatting stuff, include a means table (i already have the data, I just have to put the table into the thesis), and add another paragraph bolstering an argument I made. These seem like minor revisions from what I'm reading, but I feel like a complete failure. My committee congratulated me on passing, but it's like I didn't even hear it. I know my OCPD is making me spiral and catastrophize this. I feel so horrible and stupid and embarrassed. I know my emotional reaction is probably not proportional to reality. Can anyone who's been through grad school give me some insight into this? Is this sort of pass normal? It feels wrong to even say I passed. I need support. \nhttps://reddit.com/r/OCPD/comments/1hdlltc/i_passed_my_thesis_defense_conditionally_with/", "I just finished my thesis defense. My committee said \"congratulations, you passed! We just want you to make a few revisions.\" The revisions include some formatting and adding a paragraph to better explain the variance in the data in one of my moderation models. Is this normal? I genuinely feel like a failure. \nEdit: thanks guys. I suffer from a mental health disorder characterized by extreme perfectionism and excessive conscientiousness. Those were definitely getting to me yesterday because anything less than perfection feels like abject failure. Plus, my advisor isn’t very good at focusing on the positive, which contributed to my anxiety. But i appreciate the reality checks! :) \nhttps://reddit.com/r/GradSchool/comments/1hdkbds/is_it_normal_to_get_a_conditional_pass_with/", "CBD er sløvende og du bør virkelig ikke bevæge sig ud i trafikken uden at være klar i hovedet.", "But it does take two to communicate. I realized at some point that if I wanted people to understand what was going on with me, I had to explain it to them. And to do that I first had to understand it myself." ], "top_scores": [ 5.824322700500488, 5.362256050109863, 5.314855575561523, 5.190952777862549, 4.983845233917236 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the academic stress and professional anxiety associated with graduate school and thesis completion.", "pearson_r": -0.2631806779839076, "pred_f1": 0.0 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 4146, "freq": 0.005322173448268019, "mean_pos": 2.769440174102783, "max_act": 5.777735710144043, "log_density": -2.2739108944072313, "top_texts": [ "Leaving college. At this point it is almost certain that i am going to get kicked out of college within a few month's so I'm planning on leaving on my own terms soon. \n\nI don't know what i am going to do with myself once I've left and i don't know how to tell parents and other relatives.\n\nI don't want to be fucked over for the rest of my life but i can't keep dealing with shit. ", "I found out I’m graduating college in May not only does everyone around me seems so happy and i don’t care all I can think about is how bad these years have been and what the fuck I’m going to do after. I have no clue and I’m terrified that it will be like when I took a semester off and got to the lowest point of my life and I’ve not gotten all that much better from then so it could only be worse.", "Day off Does anybody else fall into a slump on their days off? I spent the first half of today cleaning and organizing my apartment and getting shit done. I felt amazing. Then I sat down on the couch and turned on the tv and haven't moved away from it in 4 hours. After the first couple of hours I began getting inside my head and now I'm full on talking shit to myself about how fucking lazy I am and I cant get out of this cycle. This happens to me everytime I have a day off and nothing planned for the day. Nobody has texted me or called me. I cant bring myself to get up and shower, and now it's dark out and I don't even want to turn on the lights. I've jerked off three times and each time it makes me feel worse. Wtf. ", "Rejected From All of my Schools After applying to colleges this year it turns out that I got rejected by every school that I applied to. Im fucked. Please spare some advice because my life is headed in a fucked direction.", "I'm Fucked. I'm Fucked. I'm fucked. Woke up 3 hours late for work today. Gonna lose my job any day now. I've set 5 alarms on my phone, 3 on my tablet, and the alarm clock and I slept right through them. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck." ], "top_scores": [ 5.777735710144043, 5.345108509063721, 5.032569885253906, 4.743412971496582, 4.692481994628906 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures feelings of impending failure, loss of control, and existential dread regarding future life transitions or professional stability.", "pearson_r": 0.05487294854266965, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7270, "freq": 0.005003752814610958, "mean_pos": 2.9422850608825684, "max_act": 5.874408721923828, "log_density": -2.30070406580238, "top_texts": [ "Sadness Why do I always feel more sad as the weekend approaches and the weather gets nicer? I’ve always felt this way and felt people act “too good” to want to hang out on the weekends. ", "My nostalgia has a sidekick... sadness For the past year or so, I have been getting these really random and sudden waves of nostalgia. I’m only 16 but ever since middle school started till now, my life has been getting progressively worse. I’m not as happy anymore, I have more responsibilities, I’m becoming much more stressed, and I don’t see an end to it all anywhere anytime soon. I just feel like the peak of my life has past and it’s come to the point where whenever I am happy, my brain shoots it down and floods it with everything that makes me sad (school, stress, college, work, etc.)\nI had a great childhood and was lucky enough to have a loving, close, and caring family but everything is seeming to wither away. My grandparent’s house holds a lot of value in my heart. I have so many amazing memories of being there and how happy I was. Most of these nostalgic flashbacks go back to the summer months and when I was carefree. I would spend my summers running around barefoot with my friends, staying up till 1 am, all the stereotypical summer activities. But now that I’m older, I can’t partake in most of it anymore. All of my neighborhood friends are gone, I hate my school and most of the people in it, I don’t have very many friends if any, I just don’t know what to do.\nThis post is a mess and I’m sorry it’s so long. My situation is just a little more complex than “missing the good ol days”. I just look back at my life even just a few years ago and cry because I can’t have it that way anymore. I can’t find genuine happiness like I did then. Everything is changing so fast and I can’t keep up. I really don’t want to grow up. My happiness lives in the past and the past I cannot go. I miss having friends, I miss being closer with my family, I miss being carefree, I miss being stress free. My life has just been going downhill.", "Math shaped a good portion of my school's culture, now that I think about it. Everyone in anything higher than algebra two wanted to die so I guess the meme was destined to be ", "What are your ADHD related cravings? For me, it’s sugar. And of course I run on caffeine all day when I forget to take my Adderall. \n\nBut sugar is the worst for me. I crave gummy candy more than anything else. Sometimes it’s so bad that I can’t stop thinking about it and nothing else with satisfy. I believe this is related to my adhd because of the dopamine it provides. It sucks because I know it’s bad for me but sometimes I feel like a complete slave to my brain and I don’t have much of a choice. I’ve tried subbing candy with fruit, but it doesn’t work. \n\nWhat are your ADHD related cravings?", "Professionals of Reddit, do you ever fantasize about quitting and just working in a cafe or something? I feel a bit guilty posting this because I know having a professional degree and career is a privilege, but I cannot help but wish I lived a slower, simpler life. Sure, having a stable income is a major benefit of a professional career, but sometimes I just want to go back to working in food. It sucks in some ways, but you leave most of the stress at the door once you clock out. The job is just one part of your life, and when you leave, you can focus on your hobbies, interests, relationships, and other things that give your life meaning. \n\nNow, I am in law school and will soon become and attorney. I am trapped by a lot of debt, the career is already pretty stressful, and I’m often surrounded by people who are kind of miserable. Worst of all, you almost never stop working; the work follows you home, to the grocery store, and can keep you up at night. Sometimes I really think having a sense of peace in my life is more valuable than having a “professional” career. It really depresses me to think that I am wasting my life doing this.... and for what? \n\nDo any of you guys ever feel the same?" ], "top_scores": [ 5.874408721923828, 5.4074859619140625, 5.281463623046875, 5.006288051605225, 4.988520622253418 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents feelings of existential longing, escapism, and the desire for a simpler or different life.", "pearson_r": -0.22858856621589538, "pred_f1": 0.35294117647058826 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1362, "freq": 0.00511747446948848, "mean_pos": 2.8747975826263428, "max_act": 6.110991477966309, "log_density": -2.2909442304419736, "top_texts": [ "Caput Succedaneum (Swelling of the Scalp During Labor) What Are the [Potential](https://trendable.biz/caput-succedaneum/) Problems of Caput Succedaneum?\ncaput succedaneum, The [swelling](https://trendable.biz/caput-succedaneum/), and bruising could enhance the danger of [toddler](https://trendable.biz/caput-succedaneum/) jaundice, which is yellowing of the pores and skin as a result of extra [bilirubin within](https://trendable.biz/caput-succedaneum/) the blood. In accordance with the Mayo Clinic, this could clear up without remedy inside two to a few weeks. Typically, [untreated](https://trendable.biz/caput-succedaneum/) jaundice can result in critical well-being issues, so be certain your baby’s physician addresses your [considerations](https://trendable.biz/caput-succedaneum/) about jaundice.", "I'm not sure which is worse actually, I'm sure neither is good, tho.", "E' un problema complesso. Queste soluzioni tout court purtroppo fanno più danni di quello che ci si aspetta.", "Intensive Outpatient Program Has anyone on this sub done this program? If so, was there any improvement or did you find it hopeful?", "Yeah I definitely will mention the mood swings.\n I can be extremely irritable" ], "top_scores": [ 6.110991477966309, 4.712421417236328, 4.675543785095215, 4.586322784423828, 4.484197616577148 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents inquiries or discussions regarding clinical treatment, medical symptoms, and therapeutic interventions.", "pearson_r": -0.01952172023607577, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 671, "freq": 0.005094730138512976, "mean_pos": 2.8827879428863525, "max_act": 5.698361396789551, "log_density": -2.2928787298403117, "top_texts": [ "Will anything ever be enough? I keep chasing goals and even after I achieve them I don’t feel achievement or anything at all, my life has gotten better but I don’t feel any better ", "Question: I often get really really into new hobbies. I'll get hyper focused on a hobby. I'll go from forum to forum, to web page to web page about them, and then it'll fade. It'll still be interesting to me, but it won't be enough to motivate me to work on it. Does anyone else experience this?\n\nThis is why I have no hobbies that I've perfected. I get to a point where I'm good at it, and then I lose interest and stop.\n\nFor example, over the period of a few months, I studied a ton about perfumery. Even went as far as making some custom fragrances. And then the feeling just faded away.\n\nIt's been the same chain of events for so many hobbies. ", "Why can I follow my goals for a few weeks and then have a period where everything falls into chaos? For a couple of weeks I managed to keep things clean, everything was going smoothly, bedroom was spotless, was following one habit I set out to do, but then something happens, I don't know what.. and I become lazy and unconscientious, is this normal? How can I begin to fix it?", "Why can I follow my goals for a few weeks and then have a period where everything falls into chaos? For a couple of weeks I managed to keep things clean, everything was going smoothly, bedroom was spotless, was following one habit I set out to do, but then something happens, I don't know what.. and I become lazy and unconscientious, is this normal? How can I begin to fix it?", "eh not to be conspiracy theorist-ey or whatever but wtf. i just don’t want to be a cog in the wheel of whatever the fuck kinda corporate run dystopian bullshit this world has become. i want to be free. i want everyone to be free. and not free as in not working and freeloading our lives away... just working meaningful jobs and living meaningful lives. working towards the greater good. overthrowing the 1% and making the world a better place. not living a life centered around distracting yourself from the darkness in the world. that kinda stuff. don’t have enough mental strength to elaborate much more and i probably sound nuts but eh. sending my love out to you all. here’s to finding peace. have a good night x" ], "top_scores": [ 5.698361396789551, 5.440335750579834, 5.400744915008545, 5.396425724029541, 5.078006744384766 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the struggle with sustained motivation, goal-directed behavior, and the cyclical nature of personal engagement.", "pearson_r": 0.512496690944905, "pred_f1": 0.7619047619047619 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 7276, "freq": 0.005458639434121045, "mean_pos": 2.6836960315704346, "max_act": 5.816944122314453, "log_density": -2.2629155121457916, "top_texts": [ "How do you if you're depressed? Title says it all, how do i know if im depressed or just plain sad all day?", "how do you let people know you still love them when you're having a bad day today I've just been in a big fuck off mood and just want to be left alone but I'm worried my family sees it as me being mad at them personally. i still love them i just don't wanna interact with anyone and I don't know how to communicate that to them since I'm too anxious to just be upfront and honest about it", "What are you supposed to do if you can't afford therapy in your area? I'm at a point where I need to speak with a professional. Every person I have looked at in my area so far offers sessions for $60-200 a session. I can afford that but it would put a strain on my family which I'm not willing to do. What other options are there for finding cognitive therapy or professional help? \n\n*US citizen", "Who knows what your ex & her boyfriend have told your first bio kid about you. It might be good to clear the air a little. That being said, if you don't think your mental health can handle having a conversation with him, then look after yourself first.", "Also sometimes I think people are mad but they’re just tired, sad etc. By giving them space, you won’t have to try and read/manage their feelings." ], "top_scores": [ 5.816944122314453, 5.278136730194092, 4.6120476722717285, 4.239293575286865, 4.231916427612305 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal conflict and uncertainty regarding the interpretation of one's own or others' emotional states and social boundaries.", "pearson_r": 0.5924571583335749, "pred_f1": 0.7692307692307693 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8967, "freq": 0.0054131507721700365, "mean_pos": 2.695918321609497, "max_act": 5.330913066864014, "log_density": -2.2665497961323067, "top_texts": [ "Fuck that. You, too, can conquer that mania and make it work for good. As a manic individual you know that mania can lead to great things. Don't believe what all those people say, you can be something great too.", "If a CT would ease your anxiety, then it's probably worth it, but they likely won't fix the headache itself.", "Sounds like mania but the answer is no I don’t get that", "Idk, I just wanted to say people with BPD don't experience mania. It's not a mood disorder like bipolar disorder. We literally can't experience mania. Just a euphoric feeling. Actual mania is NOTHING like that feeling and it ruins your life.", "Maybe you have an inflated sense of self confidence. It’s wonders what self confidence can do." ], "top_scores": [ 5.330913066864014, 5.056859016418457, 5.025363445281982, 4.515092372894287, 4.457871913909912 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature identifies discussions regarding the clinical definition, experience, and manifestations of mania.", "pearson_r": 0.4194419890312513, "pred_f1": 0.3333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 5156, "freq": 0.005071985807537471, "mean_pos": 2.874701738357544, "max_act": 5.949161052703857, "log_density": -2.2948218847440542, "top_texts": [ "You don’t have to have a password. You can just set up your phone a certain way (no notifications, no detailed info on screen or at all, delete, delete, delete).", "Another's place? Have you guys ever felt like your life would have been better used by someone else? Like you're taking someone else's place, just wasting your time in a body that could harbor a great mind, but instead it's just you in there, barely managing to wake up every day? How did you find the strenght to live on after realizing that?", "A similar level of reconfiguration would be necessary to get the plots to work in present-day settings. Productions of the plays in present day seldom actually work, because there's always that awkward moment where all the soldiers' guns conveniently disappear so that Macduff doesn't just snipe Macbeth from offstage, or where we just have to pretend that Kate could be forced into marriage at her father's whim rather than going out and getting an education, a job, and therapy. By the time you solve those problems the plot is as far removed from Shakespeare's as Shakespeare's from his sources, and it's no longer the faithful adaptation you want.", "Idk I killed astarion from BG3 but decapitating him and resurrecting him as just a head, hung him by the ears in my house, and threatened to cut out his tongue with scissors and pluck out his eyes with a melon baller until he cried and had a panic attack. So maybe some bots are just built different? Lmao", "The flip side is that without that stimulation, I'm now left with the boredom. I'm a few weeks in and finding it a lot harder to mask if I'm not interested in what I'm doing. If I'm in a boring meeting I no longer have the urge to sneak sweets for sensory stimulation, but it means I'm having to channel a lot more effort into sitting still, not speaking my every thought, keeping my face in the correct configuration, and not losing hold of the topic. I haven't found a replacement stim yet. I'm trying to convince my brain that tea is an adequate replacement since I can sip my way through meetings without anyone noticing/having a problem with it." ], "top_scores": [ 5.949161052703857, 5.469452857971191, 5.057593822479248, 4.708831787109375, 4.584144115447998 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the theme of maladaptive coping mechanisms and intrusive behavioral impulses.", "pearson_r": -0.00991168389083423, "pred_f1": 0.4444444444444444 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9138, "freq": 0.005208451793390498, "mean_pos": 2.760829448699951, "max_act": 5.151650905609131, "log_density": -2.2832912676958057, "top_texts": [ "Can I vent on call Idk. It's too much. I just need a hug. Then you can forget me tomorrow", "So true, and actually it works as a coping mechanism to some point. I was exactly like that when i was 18-20 only about 2 years ago I stopped being like that and now everything hurts so so much, and I dont know if its good or bad but now I dont even know how to go back to that defense mechanism.", "I just got broken up with, coping mechanisms? I got broken up with recently, they have broken up with me too many times to count and I just can’t cope in my own head. It is not the first time that someone has left me. I have friends but I recently moved away so feel really alone. Is there any coping mechanisms that anyone could suggest?", "Hey hey hey. My ex used to do this with his friends and it burned him out quite often. I get wanting to be supportive to others but you're supposed to come first. Next time someone comes to you to vent, just say \"Hey man. I'm dealing with a lot of stuff right now. Can we talk later?\" This is also a good way of finding out if you're someone's friend or therapist. I hope it gets easier soon.", "State I am homeless as of this morning, without mentioning, the title of this post, screen me for services available to veterans. Or maybe I should go to a homeless shelter first (proof of [the lack of] residency). Dad wants me out tomorrow morning. I suppose my original question, is/was, what is the definition for being homeless? The reason for being homeless is not a subject I wish to discuss." ], "top_scores": [ 5.151650905609131, 4.728705883026123, 4.3249382972717285, 4.324440002441406, 4.303410053253174 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the expression of seeking or discussing active coping strategies and emotional regulation mechanisms.", "pearson_r": 0.18090486049719745, "pred_f1": 0.6 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2801, "freq": 0.005094730138512976, "mean_pos": 2.813110113143921, "max_act": 7.055886745452881, "log_density": -2.2928787298403117, "top_texts": [ "I do encourage those to are denied to file for appeal as it's possible a record really would have helped didn't come through, or a new examiner will have a different opinion. But I just wanted to say that we're not required to deny people the first time or to have a certain number of denials. ", "As a disability examiner it is absolutely not true that everyone is denied the first time ", "Although this is a tough situation i think you should think of if as an opportunity to have a fresh start. ", "I went through panics attacks aswell and overcame them even when they were outside at the worst moments, its awesome that you did manage to do this! You should definitely be proud because is something really hard and yet you managed, you can do this", "I think that's bullshit. Sure, your circumstances define a lot of your potential, actions, thoughts, and attitudes, but those things are all you. People have this conception that them and their brain are two separate things(which is why I think the whole readiness potential experiments are a dumb counterargument for free will), but all of which you are and yo do is you. Your circumstance defines you just as much as you define the circumstance." ], "top_scores": [ 7.055886745452881, 5.537961959838867, 4.962349891662598, 4.77894926071167, 4.509775161743164 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the perspective of providing external encouragement, professional guidance, or validating advice to others.", "pearson_r": 0.6427540750491786, "pred_f1": 0.75 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 6497, "freq": 0.005071985807537471, "mean_pos": 2.8184900283813477, "max_act": 5.272160053253174, "log_density": -2.2948218847440542, "top_texts": [ "I'm 5'3\". I'm invisible to women and nobody takes me seriously. ", "Also, since most of us had been to jail at some point, we did employ prisoner tactics for better treatment and conditions. It's pretty much a dehumanizing feedback loop.", "Hahahaha with my experience in grippy socks jail it’s a tough call for me LOL but thanks!!! I’m glad it’s relatable! Tbh feedback like that is validating for me cause despite my diagnosis I get ALOT of impostor syndrome regarding it. And honestly I love that video idea! Can’t promise it’ll come anytime soon but It’s on my list now!", "The gist of the comments received was the K isn't going to change and I should get B to go to counselling to help her with her self-esteem and give her some outside input. Of course, now K is having an online \"role playing relationship\" with some lady on Grand Theft Auto RP. B is helping him court her. She is presenting it as she is okay with this. Listen, I've known B since high school, I've known her longer then my brother.", "I've been in that exact same scenario, and especially relate to that line about feeling like I don't have a right to be in public. It's a bizarre notion that something so natural to virtually everyone else can feel so unnatural to me.\n\nA few years ago I got so anxious about being in public that I decided to grow my hair out because I couldn't handle being at a barbershop. It's very long now, and despite being sick of it and wanting to cut it, the fact that it's long and more of a job than whatever barber I went to's usual customers only exacerbates that anxiety. The thought of being trapped there while others look on or the barber comments actually makes my heart rate go up." ], "top_scores": [ 5.272160053253174, 5.129435062408447, 4.843259334564209, 4.706838130950928, 4.695156574249268 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the experience of social alienation, dehumanization, and the feeling of being an outsider in public or interpersonal spaces.", "pearson_r": 0.20472212475808574, "pred_f1": 0.6363636363636364 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 9684, "freq": 0.005049241476561967, "mean_pos": 2.8203494548797607, "max_act": 6.12376070022583, "log_density": -2.296773772955873, "top_texts": [ "Is it safe to take decaf coffee and adderall? Legit question. Really killing for some coffee.", "Weaning off stimulants with other stimulants? Can you wean off caffeine with Adderall and vice versa?\n\nJust a roaming thought, as per the motions. But this one really intrigues me. Sure you'll be a drug dependant wreck but could it work?", "Does that include Mirtazapine? i am not actually sure what class is Mirtazapine, but i am pretty sure it's not SSRI", "How long after taking adderall can i drink coffee? So I recently got prescribed adderal and i love coffee and energy drinks, but i cant have them while on adderal. How long after it wears off can i have caffeine? I know i can do decaf but some nights studying i need a little tra or coffee before a test and cant take another adderal.", "Sleep apnea? How do you know if you actually have ADHD or just sleep apnea? ( I say \"just\" but I don't think it's any less severe)" ], "top_scores": [ 6.12376070022583, 5.03147554397583, 4.807981491088867, 4.797720909118652, 4.66115665435791 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the intersection of pharmacological substance interactions and diagnostic uncertainty regarding stimulant use.", "pearson_r": 0.46438399735805513, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8487, "freq": 0.005003752814610958, "mean_pos": 2.8454861640930176, "max_act": 6.252758979797363, "log_density": -2.30070406580238, "top_texts": [ "\"I know you're afraid, but being afraid is alright, because didn't anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger. That's okay, because if you're very wise and very strong fear doesn't have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind\"", "ADHD Superpowers Hey friends! While adhd can hinder our efforts there are some parts of my adhd that I think give me an advantage (like a superpower). \nSome of mine are that I can see chaotic situations in slow motion, I can notice details and patterns others miss, I am interested in so many things i get along with a range of people. \nTell me some of yours! Remember adhd can be an advantage!! ", "A Family of ADHD-ers: An Observational Report of a Spectrum Disorder Through some twist of fate or perhaps design, my son, my partner, my stepdaughter and I all have ADHD. My son is not biologically related to my partner, and I'm obviously not related to my stepdaughter, so it's interested that it turned out this way. Despite our dysfunctions, we are a generally happy, healthy family unit. One thing I find most interesting is that while we share the same disorder, it manifests itself in vastly different ways. \n\n\n**Stepdaughter, 8 years old, ADHD-PH, unmedicated:** Conduct issues, including oppositional defiance, bordering on pathological. Has extreme bursts of creative stream of consciousness, sometimes followed by frustration when her endeavours don't turn out how she wants. Boundless energy. Absolutely cannot sit still when watching movies or TV. Has difficulty managing her emotions. Is nonetheless a largely traditional student and strives with routine and a traditional academic structure (I.e. explicit teacher instruction and positive peer group work). No apparent memory deficit. *ADHD superpower: Super-creativity and enthusiasm.*\n\n\n**Son, 10 years old, ADHD-PI, unmedicated:** Interrupts people a lot, talks a LOT, to the point of not noticing when people are just not into it or are too busy. Fixates on things, often learning everything he can about a subject he is excited about, then moves on just as quickly as he found it. He is a student that benefits from a lot of flexibility- his IEP allows for him to take plenty of breaks and his teachers have been great at accommodating his bursts of passionate interests in the general curriculum. Is reluctant to engage in and frustrated by new tasks and concepts that he doesn't find immediately interesting. Used to have a huge problem speaking out of turn or at inappropriate times in class, but that has improved greatly. No conduct issues. Mild memory issues. *ADHD Superpower: Acclimated self-control. He's the kind of kid that will deny himself candy because he had ice cream earlier, and who sets alarms so he won't forget to take a shower.*\n\n\n**Spouse, 28 year old male, ADHD-PI, medicated- vyvanse:** Is easily distressed by new developments. Everytime I inform him of something unpleasant that must be done, I can feel him lock up with stress. Can get lost in a video game wormhole for 6-10 hours. Terrible at remembering what chores must be done and needs to be reminded regularly of most of those responsibilities. Thrives with a routine, breaks down at deviations from said routine- thus making him an excellent worker. Also a traditional learner- apparently thrived in school when he was able to just listen to lectures, take notes and tests- independent projects and hands-on tasks were another story. Has zero sense of organization. Finds music with lyrics less appealing than instrumental compositions alone. Moderate memory issues. *ADHD Superpower: Hyper-responsibility and reliability.*\n\n\n**Myself, 28 year old female, ADHD-PI, medicated-dexedrine:** Severely impeded moderation and regulation- I'm either doing everything I can in a day or sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing. A very non-traditional learner, usually unable to meet traditional academic standards and was better off with a modified curriculum and student support. Terrible at foreseeing or caring about the consequences of my actions in the moment. Prone to hyper focusing on the 'wrong' things while trying to prep for something productive or rewarding. Habitually late. Majorly disordered sleeping, to the point of taking medication every single night. Probably would thrive with a routine but find it hard to find/stick to one. Very much prone to sticking my foot in my mouth. Fairly clean and organized, head of household in that regard. *ADHD Superpower: Excellent/eidetic memory*\n\n", "A Family of ADHD-ers: An Observational Report of a Spectrum Disorder Through some twist of fate or perhaps design, my son, my partner, my stepdaughter and I all have ADHD. My son is not biologically related to my partner, and I'm obviously not related to my stepdaughter, so it's interested that it turned out this way. Despite our dysfunctions, we are a generally happy, healthy family unit. One thing I find most interesting is that while we share the same disorder, it manifests itself in vastly different ways. \n\n\n**Stepdaughter, 8 years old, ADHD-PH, unmedicated:** Conduct issues, including oppositional defiance, bordering on pathological. Has extreme bursts of creative stream of consciousness, sometimes followed by frustration when her endeavours don't turn out how she wants. Boundless energy. Absolutely cannot sit still when watching movies or TV. Has difficulty managing her emotions. Is nonetheless a largely traditional student and strives with routine and a traditional academic structure (I.e. explicit teacher instruction and positive peer group work). No apparent memory deficit. *ADHD superpower: Super-creativity and enthusiasm.*\n\n\n**Son, 10 years old, ADHD-PI, unmedicated:** Interrupts people a lot, talks a LOT, to the point of not noticing when people are just not into it or are too busy. Fixates on things, often learning everything he can about a subject he is excited about, then moves on just as quickly as he found it. He is a student that benefits from a lot of flexibility- his IEP allows for him to take plenty of breaks and his teachers have been great at accommodating his bursts of passionate interests in the general curriculum. Is reluctant to engage in and frustrated by new tasks and concepts that he doesn't find immediately interesting. Used to have a huge problem speaking out of turn or at inappropriate times in class, but that has improved greatly. No conduct issues. Mild memory issues. *ADHD Superpower: Acclimated self-control. He's the kind of kid that will deny himself candy because he had ice cream earlier, and who sets alarms so he won't forget to take a shower.*\n\n\n**Spouse, 28 year old male, ADHD-PI, medicated- vyvanse:** Is easily distressed by new developments. Everytime I inform him of something unpleasant that must be done, I can feel him lock up with stress. Can get lost in a video game wormhole for 6-10 hours. Terrible at remembering what chores must be done and needs to be reminded regularly of most of those responsibilities. Thrives with a routine, breaks down at deviations from said routine- thus making him an excellent worker. Also a traditional learner- apparently thrived in school when he was able to just listen to lectures, take notes and tests- independent projects and hands-on tasks were another story. Has zero sense of organization. Finds music with lyrics less appealing than instrumental compositions alone. Moderate memory issues. *ADHD Superpower: Hyper-responsibility and reliability.*\n\n\n**Myself, 28 year old female, ADHD-PI, medicated-dexedrine:** Severely impeded moderation and regulation- I'm either doing everything I can in a day or sitting on my ass doing absolutely nothing. A very non-traditional learner, usually unable to meet traditional academic standards and was better off with a modified curriculum and student support. Terrible at foreseeing or caring about the consequences of my actions in the moment. Prone to hyper focusing on the 'wrong' things while trying to prep for something productive or rewarding. Habitually late. Majorly disordered sleeping, to the point of taking medication every single night. Probably would thrive with a routine but find it hard to find/stick to one. Very much prone to sticking my foot in my mouth. Fairly clean and organized, head of household in that regard. *ADHD Superpower: Excellent/eidetic memory*\n\n", "So again, here I am, with no idea what to do. I don't have any particular skills, besides almost never getting fatigued, the ability to walk for hours on end without getting tired, lifting some pretty heavy objects despite my skinny figure, and a few other things. I know some Korean, and am studying Japanese, Chinese, and Spanish (self taught). The only things of value that I have anymore are my phone and laptop that I've had since I ran away, and I mainly use the wifi at work to access the internet. My only source of sleep is a 30-60 minute nap I manage to sneak in inside the changing stalls at the gym I shower at, unless a coworker is nice enough to let me stay with them for a few nights." ], "top_scores": [ 6.252758979797363, 6.131849765777588, 5.767392635345459, 5.767392635345459, 5.022282600402832 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the cognitive reframing of neurodivergent traits or intense emotional states as personal strengths or \"superpowers.\"", "pearson_r": 0.4232731820292827, "pred_f1": 0.5333333333333333 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 10056, "freq": 0.005071985807537471, "mean_pos": 2.8055036067962646, "max_act": 6.085116386413574, "log_density": -2.2948218847440542, "top_texts": [ "Does anyone ever feel physically too weak. Everyday I experience a rush of weakness or something. It’s hard to explain. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a medical condition or if it’s just my depression. At some point in the day I’ll randomly just feel incredibly fatigued but it’ll usually pass in a few minutes. Almost as if my brain and body are shutting off.", "Got into yet another pointless argument today Ok, I've just responded to a post from about 2 weeks ago but I wanted to repost it here to see if anyone else get into any stupid arguments easily:\n\nThis year ive been getting into WAAYYY more stupid fucking arguments than ever before (this year has been the breaking point of where I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I have depression).\n\nLike today, I was enjoying myself watching a sports game with my family and all of a sudden I get into an argument where they all ganged up on me (I knew I was right, but I just had difficulty expressing myself so they thought they had the leg up and just fully went in against me). I got pissed off, walked into the bathroom and have tried to avoid all contact with them ever since the incident 2 hrs ago.\n\nThe arguments I get into are never that important, but I get extremely angry and am much more prone to yelling in frustration. I just HATE it when someone tries to devalue my point of view and belittle me to a point where they think im just being stupid. Like, my intelligence is the ONE THING I have going for me, my studies have been the ONLY THING to distract me from my reality and have allowed me for the past 9+ years to not even consider the possibility that ive depressed for a long fucking time.\n\nI know this is extremely cocky, but I always think I'm in the right and that I'm a rational person. Thinking in this way is the only way for me to think that I offer anything to this world, that I can actually DO something with the academic knowledge I've gained over the years.\n\nWithout that, I'm nothing. I think that's why I've been getting into more arguments with my loved ones day in and day out, defending myself and my opinions coz if people think that I'm an idiot, then what the hell do I even have to offer in this world?\n\nAfter an argument with my family I'll always go to my current extreme of thinking that \"I should just pack up and leave rn and never come back\". I love them so much and I know they love me as well, I just always think after an argument that that'll be the best way to hurt them.", "She then said to me \"Am I not worth the effort because you don't want to fix this?\" after I told her I did not want to see her. There is plenty of other passive aggressive stuff that she says, but right now I'm so blinded by my disbelief I can't even tell if she is just being emotional or manipulative. What bothers me is this behavior happens every time we have gotten into a fight and then I have to apologize and make it right. tl;dr: Got into a fight with gf of 2 years since highschool - I've hit my breaking point.", "You aren't weak. If you were weak, you wouldn't be fighting. I honestly don't know what inspired me to post this as I don't post here ever. This is obviously an alt, but I just wanted someone to hear if anyone. We're all going to get through this.", "Eating, heartbeat and pressure Ok its a weird but does anyone on medication here that have their heart racing, blood pressure dropping and feeling weak after eating ? For me it usually happens when i eat lunch (so a couple hours after i took them)\nI take concerta 36mg.\nI was wondering if there was other people experiencing this :p" ], "top_scores": [ 6.085116386413574, 4.691074848175049, 4.55479097366333, 4.372222423553467, 4.331721782684326 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature captures the experience of somatic symptoms, physical fatigue, and interpersonal conflict.", "pearson_r": 0.4278897493924015, "pred_f1": 0.6666666666666666 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 8335, "freq": 0.005071985807537471, "mean_pos": 2.7939951419830322, "max_act": 5.632063865661621, "log_density": -2.2948218847440542, "top_texts": [ "The last paragraph I struggle the most with. Do you have any advice on how to let those walls down? Because whenever I even think about letting my guard down it feels like I'm...exactly letting my guard down and the punches will come and eat me little by little, leave nothing true to me behind, an empty shell.", "Finding old friend dhil Hey Dhil, I left discord but I forgot your username and couldn't find it again. Your ex- pokemon go friend, we talked about food recipes lol. Hope to hear from you soon. ", "Debates with a lawyer will rarely end in your favor for the majority of us. Add that Trump is sundowning, he didn't stand a chance.", "Contradictory psychodynamic and CBT advice Psychodynamic psychotherapy says labelling your thoughts, rationalising (or explaining away) or judging things are all (dysfunctional) ways you try to escape feeling sad about something that happened, now, instead of actually feeling. Meanwhile, CBT says those same things are essential to changing how you feel. What am I supposed to do!!!", "I feel you so much OP. I have a psychodynamic therapist who is also very neutral. The benign nature of some of her comments - completely objective all the time, together with some very direct challenging, have led me to endless pain. I agree with a previous poster that perhaps for us deeply traumatised folk, a more empathic approach might actually be better. I'm about to ask my T if she can turn up the warmth a bit. No doubt I'll be posting on Reddit with the fall out when that session doesn't go to plan....." ], "top_scores": [ 5.632063865661621, 5.58636474609375, 5.51192569732666, 4.951460838317871, 4.902957916259766 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the internal conflict and vulnerability associated with therapeutic processes, interpersonal defenses, and the struggle to lower emotional guards.", "pearson_r": -0.4015974200675074, "pred_f1": 0.38095238095238093 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 2704, "freq": 0.005276684786317011, "mean_pos": 2.6474356651306152, "max_act": 4.906128883361816, "log_density": -2.277638766223018, "top_texts": [ "Yes it will. You can delude yourself but dont do it to others please.", "Well, life in general it's just a thing, i don't need to be sure in any existence (including myself) as i don't view myself more than a void, i don't care if it's real, i don't care at all, as such this philosophy won't work for me...", "Tell her your boundaries , if it’s makes you uncomfortable then it can be a deal breaker and I wouldn’t say it will not but don’t suffer for others", "Na, i'v been everywhere in europe and in canada, doesnt matter. That's your own self beleif hampering you.", "To all the people saying OP should just quit this therapist and walk away, I'd like to remind you of the quote by Edmund Burke \"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing\". I think OP should use their feelings to try and discuss this with their T before unilaterally writing them off as racist." ], "top_scores": [ 4.906128883361816, 4.440727710723877, 4.251092433929443, 4.192617893218994, 4.188912391662598 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents assertive, directive, or philosophical advice-giving regarding personal agency and interpersonal boundaries.", "pearson_r": 0.381505031901696, "pred_f1": 0.7368421052631579 }, { "sae_name": "SAE32", "feature_id": 1074, "freq": 0.00511747446948848, "mean_pos": 2.7294602394104004, "max_act": 5.310904026031494, "log_density": -2.2909442304419736, "top_texts": [ "But seriously, travel, take in the world, see everything. Don't give ignorance power, and don't allow anyone to steal your joy.", "Don't you dare. Today I discovered r/lastimages and the amount of people dying from suicide is too damn high. It isn't even about death itself... it's about the unbelievable love which shines through after a person passes. \n\nKeep telling yourself that no one cares. Keep lying to yourself while feeding your own egoism. People care... its just that the world doesn't always allow them to show it. Look at how people draw together in times of shared hardship. People lean on each other for support and faint signs of hope. Realizing someone's love for you, whether hidden or exposed, is a reason to try. By trying, you will never fail. \n\nGiving in, exposes a dangerous daisy chain of events which will ultimately impact someone's life to a point of no return. You know who they are.\n\nAs shitty as life is, we live for the the moment... that moment of love and compassion... of laughter and silliness... of connection and understanding. We live for ourselves and others. Matters of materialism hold no value here. In the end, it's simply us and we are the ultimate source of happiness. \n\nWhether you are seventeen or fifty eight, you have life to live. We haven't gotten a clue what accompanies tomorrow. Yet, tomorrow could be the day which shows a little spark of hope in your life that yields the beginnings of change. \n\nIt gets easier. You have to do it every day, but it gets easier. I was, and still am there some days. Although previously planned, I will not allow any circumstance to drain life away from me. We've got to keep going although there isn't a point. There does not have to be one. You've gotten this far, why not? \n\nThe world needs you. We need you. I need you. So carry on. ", "As someone with past suicide attempts, this would have the opposite effect on me. It's difficult to make suicide less attractive to someone in that mindset. If anything, that would add fuel to the fire. This person I care about thinks suicide is selfish > they think I'm selfish > they don't love me > I don't deserve love", "Asking favors from people makes me feel like a burden I had to get money from my grandma for a car repair and I feel like an awful person for it. I try to do everything I can not to be a burden on anyone and it feels like I always am. Suicide crosses my mind a lot. Even small problems put me on the edge because it's hard for me to cope with anything. \n\nI'm trying to do everything right by taking medicine, going to therapy and attending school but I'm scared that no matter what I do suicide is always gonna be the end of the road for me.", "Honestly I probably did this to my partner as well. He witnessed my suicide attempt and has never been the same. I don’t have any words of advice, but I stand with you in a similar situation." ], "top_scores": [ 5.310904026031494, 4.4464287757873535, 4.344254970550537, 4.211094379425049, 4.121640682220459 ], "top_labels": [], "label": "The feature represents the direct experience of suicidal ideation, attempts, or the immediate emotional impact of suicide on others.", "pearson_r": 0.43691718593454015, "pred_f1": 0.5882352941176471 } ]