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What's the only thing happier than a 3 legged dog? A 4 legged dog. | 576,925 |
What does the Interstellar soundtrack and a porno film have in common? Swelling organs. | 576,926 |
A girl in a club... A girl in a club said to me, "Did you know that you can tell the colour of someone's pubes by the colour of their eyebrows?"
"I think I've heard that, yeah."
"And I've got no eyebrows, so what does that tell you?"
"Going by the rest of your face, have you been in a fire?" | 576,927 |
What do you get when two Samoans Fall off a couch? Tufaloffahsofa | 576,928 |
To catch a Tiger So there was a competition organized to see which Police force was the best in the world. After many gruelling tests, only four remained. They were NYPD, Scotland Yard, Royal Canadian Mounted Police and *Dilli* (Delhi) Police. The final test is to find the winner of the contest.
The test is simple. A lion is to be released into the forest. Whoever catches it the quickest is the winner.
First NYPD starts. The lion is released. NYPD officers follow it into the jungle. After a couple of hours they are back with the lion in ropes.
Next the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has a go. The lion is released and they follow it on horseback. In an hour they are back, with the lion in tow.
Scotland Yard goes next and they are even faster. They get the animal back in half an hour.
Last but not least, *Dilli* Police's turn comes. The lion is released and four mustachioed *Sardars* carrying *Lathis* (bamboo sticks) chase after him in a Jeep. The time passes and the organizers look on. An hour goes by, then two and then five, but they do not return. So the people in-charge go into the jungle to investigate. They drive for a long time through the dense foliage. After some time, they start hearing shrieks and screams close-by. They head towards the sound. They reach a clearing and what they see astounds them. The *Dilli* Police have a Bear tied to a tree and are beating it with their *Lathis* and screaming *"Bol tu sher hai"* ("Confess that you are a Lion").
>This is not my joke. I heard it somewhere.
>This joke would hit hard if you are accustomed to the ineptitude of Indian Police. Nonetheless, hope you had a chuckle. | 576,929 |
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 60 pounds. | 576,931 |
Women are like pickup trucks. Men with poor taste usually want to add a lift kit. | 576,932 |
I asked my friend if he knew binary he said "yeah I took the 101 class" | 576,933 |
How do you call your gay friend With a homophone | 576,934 |
Religious traditions Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained stoic and ate their regularly scheduled meal.
However, this kept going on - Friday after Friday the neighbour cooked a BBQ while they ate fish. They got together to determine what to do about this problem. One man had the genius idea they convert the newcomer to Catholicism and then he would have to settle into the same tradition.
So, they set about becoming best friends, watching sports, mowing lawns, socialising and the like. The new neighbour was so moved by these efforts at friendship that he agreed to convert to their religious views.
He attended a Catholic church where the Priest splashed him with water, "You were born a Protestant" (splash) "You were raised a Protestant" (splash) "You are a Catholic." The men were pleased and figured this was the end of their troubles.
Next Friday as they settled down to eat fish they again smelled a delicious steak sizzling nearby. They looked out their windows, and there was the neighbour at his BBQ with a small bowl of water ... "You were born a cow" (splash) "You were raised a cow" (splash) "You are a fish." | 576,935 |
The scientist and the gypsy When I was at a bar in McMurdo, I spoke with a scientist who told me a few years back he had met a beautiful gypsy.
The two met and hit it off instantly. He learned she had traveled all over the world and had some crazy stories. Later, the scientist asked her- during her travels who her favorite sexual partners were. The gypsy explained that Native Americans have the largest penis she had ever encountered, while the Spanish have the most endurance and make the best lovers. After explaining it to the scientist the gypsy said," well silly me, we've been talking for hours and I still don't know your name! My name is Esmeralda. What's yours?"
The scientist then said , " my name is Tonto Garcia" | 576,936 |
I've been a dad for 5+ years now but I finally feel like I've really made it. This happened earlier today: Aaron: Dad, Michael's eating the wrapper!
Me: Eating the wrapper?! That's Ludicrous! | 576,937 |
A physicist, an engineer, and a mailman are seated together on a plane Naturally the physicist and the engineer start talking about higher mathematics and their professions and start arguing whose profession is the most important. The physicist points out the window and says "You see those wings? Without the physics of aerodynamics those wouldn't be possible." Not to be outdone, the engineer points to the cockpit and says "You see all those controls and flight mechanisms? We wouldn't even be off the ground without those." After listening to them boast for about a half an hour, the mailman says "Without the mailman neither of you would be alive." | 576,938 |
Did you hear about that mathematician who only used furniture made out of clocks? He loved his times tables. | 576,939 |
Hey girls. All three guys still wanna f--k you, though. When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body.
When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face.
When a guy calls you beautiful, he's looking at your heart.
All three guys still wanna f**k you, though.
| 576,940 |
11 year old johnny decides to curse Johnny was 11 years old and his little brother was 7.one morning Johnny decides its time to start cussing and his little brother agrees. a little while later their mom yells up the stairs and tells them to come down for breakfast.
When they get downstairs Mom looks at little Johnny and asks what he would like for breakfast. Johnny says " aw hell mom, I don't know, just give me some of those cheerios." His mom slaps him across the mouth and sends him to his room. Then she looks at the little brother and says "Now what would you like for breakfast?" the little boy looks up at his mom and says "i don't know, but it sure as shit wont be cheerios!"
| 576,941 |
What do you call a depressed dog eating honeydew ? A meloncollie | 576,942 |
What do you call an elf that follows Scientology? Elron Hubbard | 576,943 |
Women are equal and deserve respect Just kidding they should suck my dick | 576,944 |
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is." | 576,945 |
What does a necrophiliac say to confess his love for someone? "You're dead to me" | 576,947 |
Blonde guy's football tryout The coach is holding open tryouts for the football team when this tall handsome blond kid walks up to him.
"I want to tryout for quarterback!" The blonde says to the coach.
"You have any experience playing quarterback?" The coach asks.
"No sir", is the blonde 's reply.
The coach rolls his eyes, but he is a big athletic looking guy. The coach reaches down and picks up a football.
"Son, do you think you could pass this football?" He asks him
The blondes eyes get huge, "Hell coach! I'm not even sure if I could swallow it!" | 576,948 |
What do you call a midget Mexican? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay!!! | 576,949 |
Hunchback Joke A man stops at a roadside diner and sits down at the counter.
The waitress walks up with her pad, and he asks, "how much for a cheeseburger?"
"Twenty dollars", she replies.
"How about fries?" He asks her
"Eight dollars", she tells him.
"And a soda?"
"Five bucks."
"Hey, you're cute", he tells her. "If I stick around til you get off work, would you like to go out for a drink?"
She lights up at his request. "I'd love to!" She gushes. "I don't get many dates. Most guys can't get past the fact that I'm a hunchback."
"Oh", he replies. "As high as everything is here, I just assumed that was your ass." | 576,950 |
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hang around here. | 576,951 |
For my teacher who used to tell this one.... Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.
Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.
The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.
Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.
Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.
Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.
In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.
When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.
Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.
About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.
"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"
"Yes, Ted. I remember that."
"And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"
"Well of course I remember her Ted."
"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."
"Ok Ted."
"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"
Yes Ted, I did."
"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"
"I did Ted."
"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"
"Yes, we did Ted"
"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"
"I did Ted. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Ted...."
"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."
That ones for you Coach! | 576,952 |
I ordered a meal from the International Space Station. My sides are in orbit. | 576,953 |
I headed-butted a girl while we were making out. She told me we should just skip the fore-head-play. | 576,954 |
Do you remember that barbecue? You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill? | 576,955 |
What does Shrek say when he wins a game of chess? Shrekmate. | 576,956 |
I organized a Ginger only orgy. Not even the Gingers turned up. | 576,957 |
The police was talking on the radio EDIT: *were
-Sir, we arrived at the crime scene
-Send the report
-A woman killed her husband. She stabbed him 35 times, shot him twice, beat him, beheaded him and finally burned him.
-Wow, what was the reason?
-The man stepped on the floor after she cleaned it.
-And did you capture her?
-No sir, we are waiting for the floor to dry. | 576,958 |
One day, my mother barged into my room and screamed, "Turn off that gangsta rap music!" I was listening to Lecrae... | 576,959 |
Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can! Why can't humans? Because they'll bite us! | 576,960 |
My five year old son surprised me with this one: What do you call a spy who's an amazing basketball player? LeBond James
Found this after: http://imgur.com/gallery/9q4LhU4
lol | 576,961 |
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids weren't much to look at! | 576,962 |
I asked my buddy if he wanted me to feed his dog real quick before we left He said back to me, "Nah, fuck it."
I don't know why he tried kicking my ass, I was just doing what he said. | 576,963 |
What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction? What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction?
One can... "Get Hard" | 576,964 |
What do you call a cow abortion? De-calf | 576,965 |
Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up. | 576,966 |
so many poor jokes, where to begin? A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!' | 576,967 |
Restaurant A friend said she heard there's a wonderful restaurant on the moon, but nobody goes there because there's no atmosphere...
| 576,968 |
What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? Give it two test-tickles!
| 576,969 |
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture | 576,970 |
Do you think Lincoln was good at pleasuring the ladies? If he was, did they call him the pounding father? | 576,971 |
Why did the chicken cross the road?... It chickened out.
(Sorry if repost)
(Also, first post so be nice :) ) | 576,972 |
As a literalist, I can't watch porno... There's too many holes in the plot.
I thought of this while reading a reddit comment section, so thank you reddit :) | 576,974 |
My wife came in and caught me watching something X rated material... "Someone's set the channel numbers to Roman numerals!" I exclaimed. | 576,975 |
Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating. | 576,976 |
I got a new computer yesterday All it does is sing.
I think it was a dell | 576,977 |
I was out and about when I saw my ex girlfriend with a new man. She saw me and came over "He's twice the man you are" she said
"I've got a new partner too" I replied
"Really?" She asked.
"Yes, and she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt" | 576,978 |
Have you heard about the movie director from space? Woody Alien | 576,979 |
What did the poop say to the pee when he was hitting on her? I may be a two but your an eight.. | 576,980 |
I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters | 576,981 |
What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest. | 576,982 |
Why did the local university invite a foreign chemist? Florine talent. | 576,983 |
a wife was in bed with her lover... A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband
lurched into bed,a few minutes later,through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey,there are six feet in this bed.There should only be four. What's going on?"
"Nonsense," said the wife,"You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two,three, four. You're right you know. | 576,984 |
A man got a car for his wife Now, thats what you call a good trade. | 576,985 |
No arms and No legs A man was walking down the beach when he came across a woman with no arms and no legs. He noticed that she was crying and came to her side.
"why are you crying?" asked the man
"i was born without arms or legs, and no one has ever hugged me" she explained
Feeling sorry for her he wrapped her into his arms and gave her a big hug.
"Thank you" she said, and the man went on his way. After a few steps he heard the woman sobbing again. he returned to ask "why are you crying now?"
"well, i was born without arms or legs and no one has ever kissed me" she said
So the man leaned down and gave her a big kiss on the lips.
"thank you" she said, and the man left again. after a few steps he heard the woman sobbing a third time. "why are you still crying?" he said
"well i was born without arms of legs, and ive never been Fucked" she said
So the man grabbed the woman, tossed her into the ocean and yelled "well! your fucked now!!" | 576,986 |
Why are turtles dangerous in China ? Because they can turtle you. | 576,987 |
Did you hear the last Chris Brown's song featuring Rihanna? It's a hit | 576,988 |
Good lazy eye/fucked up eye jokes what does someone with a lazy eye and a man wearing a pink shirt have in common?
neither can look straight.
it must be nice to be able to look both ways before you cross the street with out ever moving your head.
Show me what you got reddit | 576,989 |
I've always lived by the motto 'work hard, play hard' But the HR department is starting to get concerned and the guys I ball with at the gym hate when I guard them | 576,990 |
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent | 576,991 |
FAIR EXCHANGE Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.'' | 576,992 |
I was once blind for 5 years It was a very dark time in my life. | 576,993 |
Man without arms A pastor is sitting in the church preparing for the upcoming church service, when he hears a kicking sound on the church doors. He goes to the door and discovers a middle aged man without arms. The pastor invites the man inside. The man with no arms tells the pastor that he is searching for a job, and asked if the church had any jobs available. The pastor tells the man that if he needs money that the church would gladly help him out. The man refused the charity and tells the pastor that he would rather earn his money. The pastor thinks for a moment and tells the man that the only job that they have open at the church is the bell ringer. The man tells the pastor that he could easily do the job as the bell ringer and would do it for the upcoming days service.
Although the pastor had his doubts, the pastor leads the man to the bell tower. Once there, the pastor demonstrates how to ring the bell. The pastor grabs the rope with both hands and pulls down, ringing the bell. The man stated "no problem" and proceeds to run head first into the bell, which produces a loud ringing. The pastor although surprised by the method, tells the man he has the job, and that he must go prepare for the church service. He tells the man to ring the bell ten more times. The man with no arms then proceeds to run head first into the bell two more times, but then starts to feel groggy and falls out of the bell tower onto the pavement in front of the church, just as the parishioners begin to show up to church. The parishioners gather around the man, but nobody recognizes him.
The pastor then comes up to the crowd, and one of the parishioners asks the pastor if they recognize the man, the pastor replies "the face rings a bell." | 576,994 |
I'm trying to teach a beaver grammar, but he just can't figure out these dam homophones. | 576,995 |
What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy? "I wish his hands were made of stone." | 576,996 |
was thinking i would go away this easter. figured i would just hang around instead. its what jesus would have done | 576,997 |
Translated joke from a south Asian language. I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!
> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questioning him. After a while they tell him to explain what happened as honestly as he could. He starts,
> "I was driving and realized that I had lost all possible means of braking or even slowing down the truck."
> "Go on".
> "I was losing control and had to steer the truck onto a large ground besides the road, to avoid collision with the traffic."
> "Then?"
> "I was still unable to slow the truck down, then I realized, to my horror, that I had to make a choice: I could have either steered the truck towards the large crowd which was there for the concert and killed several people or I could have steered the truck towards a hotdog stand where there were only 2 people"
> "You moron! Why didn't you choose to kill the people near the hotdog stand?"
> "I did, officer! I crushed one under my truck, but the other one ran into the crowd."
**Edit: Um... front page? Am I doing it right?** | 576,998 |
Islam is a virus Ash-hadu an la ilaha ill Allah. Wa ash-hadu ana Muhammad ar-rasullallah. | 576,999 |
What did one gay horse say to the other? Haaaaayyyyy | 577,000 |
What do you call the only wood that doesn't float? Natalie.
| 577,001 |
FLY WITHOUT WINGS Q: What is a fly without wings?
A: A walk. | 577,002 |
A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to each other. The bears asks: "Does your fur stick to the poop?" The rabbit replied with: "Of course not." Then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. | 577,003 |
What sound does a bomb make before it goes off? allahu ackbar!! | 577,005 |
A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi There's a Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi. They're out playing golf, and they're trying to decide how much to give to charity.
So the Priest says, "we'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to charity."
The Minister said no, "we'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever lands outside the circle, that's what we'll give to charity."
The Rabbi says "No, no, no. We'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps!" | 577,006 |
I like my whiskey as I like my women. 12 years old and mixed with coke | 577,007 |
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil and paper | 577,008 |
So my friend tells me that he's thinking about creating a new strain of Marijuana called "Comcast". It'll sound really good but it won't get you very high. | 577,009 |
Michael J. Fox Got into a Car Accident Recently... He was really shaken up about it. | 577,010 |
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! | 577,011 |
A question that answers itself What is curiosity? | 577,012 |
Remember, tomorrow is Good Friday So let's all act like Jesus and get completely hammered. | 577,013 |
Lorena Bobbit and Jeffery Dahmer This is an old one...
What did Jeff say to Lorena after she cut her husband's penis off?
You gonna eat that? | 577,014 |
A Baseball Tale Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural .. a once-in-a-lifetime phenom whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the batter's ear, only to break at the last instant and hit the outside corner of the plate for a strike. His changeup made the best hitters in the league cry .. they would swing, drop the bat, and stare increduously as the ball hit the catcher's mitt. He was indeed awesome!
Why then, you might ask, is he not in the Hall of Fame? Why haven't you ever heard of him? Alas, like many others before him, Mel's downfall was .. alcohol. Ol' Mel really liked to tilt the glass. His drinking became almost legendary around the country, but he never let it affect his pitching until ... this happened.
The Braves and the Yankees in the World Series! Excitement reigned! The series was tied at three games apiece, and the Braves were in New York for the seventh and deciding game. The night before the big event, Mel's thirst got the better of him. He snuck out of the hotel after curfew, and bought himself two cases of beer. As you might imagine, the next morning Mel didn't feel too good. But being the pro that he was, Mel managed to do just fine .. until the bottom of the ninth inning. With the Braves ahead by one run, two out and the bases loaded, Mel's revelry the night before finally caught up to him. Eight straight pitches .. eight straight balls. He walked in the tieing and the winning runs, losing the game and the series.
After the game, a reporter went to the jubilant Yankee's clubhouse and spoke to the last two players that faced Mel. "Tell me," he asked, "to what do you attribute this victory over the best pitcher in the major leagues?"
In unison they replied, "It was the beer that made Mel Famey walk us!" | 577,015 |
Why did the Double A battery die after 5 years? It has two lower case a's | 577,017 |
George Bush takes his dog for a walk He meets his neighbor on the street and says hi.
His neighbor neighbor says, "are you taking your donkey for a walk again?".
Bush is confused and says "are you stupid! This is a dog, not a donkey".
Neighbor replies, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog" | 577,018 |
Jose Cuervo showed up at his girlfriend's house with a gun... Tequila | 577,019 |
Father and son pull up into their home driveway... Father says "son why don't you ever wear your seatbelt?"
Son says " it's freeing and more comfortable dad why else"
To which father casually replies " well son you should start wearing those fucking seatbealts, windshields are pretty damn expensive these days."
I fucking lost it. This just happened. I love my father. | 577,021 |
Why did the pilot hit the Alps? To get to the other side. | 577,022 |
A Pirate walks into a bar... Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly, bartender says, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?" Pirate says. "Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!" | 577,023 |
I spent the whole of my day with my hand in my trouser pocket. Maybe that's why I kept feeling cocky. | 577,024 |
I don't do cocaine I just like the smell | 577,025 |
Why did Reddit's restaurant go our of business? All of its servers were busy | 577,026 |
do you know the difference between a carrot and a fork? If you don't you should be more careful when you eat! | 577,027 |
Why don't Episcopalians play chess? They don't know the difference between a bishop and a queen | 577,028 |
How do you cure a mute coworker? Tell them a secret | 577,029 |
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
I'm sorry, everyone. | 577,030 |
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