text stringlengths 3 40k | __index_level_0__ int64 0 579k |
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What's the only thing happier than a 3 legged dog? A 4 legged dog. | 576,925 |
What does the Interstellar soundtrack and a porno film have in common? Swelling organs. | 576,926 |
A girl in a club... A girl in a club said to me, "Did you know that you can tell the colour of someone's pubes by the colour of their eyebrows?"
"I think I've heard that, yeah."
"And I've got no eyebrows, so what does that tell you?"
"Going by the rest of your face, have you been in a fire?" | 576,927 |
What do you get when two Samoans Fall off a couch? Tufaloffahsofa | 576,928 |
To catch a Tiger So there was a competition organized to see which Police force was the best in the world. After many gruelling tests, only four remained. They were NYPD, Scotland Yard, Royal Canadian Mounted Police and *Dilli* (Delhi) Police. The final test is to find the winner of the contest.
The test is simple. A ... | 576,929 |
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 60 pounds. | 576,931 |
Women are like pickup trucks. Men with poor taste usually want to add a lift kit. | 576,932 |
I asked my friend if he knew binary he said "yeah I took the 101 class" | 576,933 |
How do you call your gay friend With a homophone | 576,934 |
Religious traditions Back in the 1950's a Catholic neighbourhood was settling down to eat their Friday night fish when they smelled a delicious steak wafting from the recently-purchased house nearby. The men of the neighbourhood looked and saw their new neighbour having a BBQ. They looked at their fish but remained sto... | 576,935 |
The scientist and the gypsy When I was at a bar in McMurdo, I spoke with a scientist who told me a few years back he had met a beautiful gypsy.
The two met and hit it off instantly. He learned she had traveled all over the world and had some crazy stories. Later, the scientist asked her- during her travels who her fav... | 576,936 |
I've been a dad for 5+ years now but I finally feel like I've really made it. This happened earlier today: Aaron: Dad, Michael's eating the wrapper!
Me: Eating the wrapper?! That's Ludicrous! | 576,937 |
A physicist, an engineer, and a mailman are seated together on a plane Naturally the physicist and the engineer start talking about higher mathematics and their professions and start arguing whose profession is the most important. The physicist points out the window and says "You see those wings? Without the physics of... | 576,938 |
Did you hear about that mathematician who only used furniture made out of clocks? He loved his times tables. | 576,939 |
Hey girls. All three guys still wanna f--k you, though. When a guy calls you hot, he's looking at your body.
When a guy calls you pretty, he's looking at your face.
When a guy calls you beautiful, he's looking at your heart.
All three guys still wanna f**k you, though.
| 576,940 |
11 year old johnny decides to curse Johnny was 11 years old and his little brother was 7.one morning Johnny decides its time to start cussing and his little brother agrees. a little while later their mom yells up the stairs and tells them to come down for breakfast.
When they get downstairs Mom looks at little Johnny... | 576,941 |
What do you call a depressed dog eating honeydew ? A meloncollie | 576,942 |
What do you call an elf that follows Scientology? Elron Hubbard | 576,943 |
Women are equal and deserve respect Just kidding they should suck my dick | 576,944 |
I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour "No way. That's impossible!" she said.
"Trust me," I said, "I have no idea where our baby is." | 576,945 |
What does a necrophiliac say to confess his love for someone? "You're dead to me" | 576,947 |
Blonde guy's football tryout The coach is holding open tryouts for the football team when this tall handsome blond kid walks up to him.
"I want to tryout for quarterback!" The blonde says to the coach.
"You have any experience playing quarterback?" The coach asks.
"No sir", is the blonde 's reply.
The coach rolls h... | 576,948 |
What do you call a midget Mexican? A paragraph, because he's too short to be an essay!!! | 576,949 |
Hunchback Joke A man stops at a roadside diner and sits down at the counter.
The waitress walks up with her pad, and he asks, "how much for a cheeseburger?"
"Twenty dollars", she replies.
"How about fries?" He asks her
"Eight dollars", she tells him.
"And a soda?"
"Five bucks."
"Hey, you're cute", he tells he... | 576,950 |
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll just hang around here. | 576,951 |
For my teacher who used to tell this one.... Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.
Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a co... | 576,952 |
I ordered a meal from the International Space Station. My sides are in orbit. | 576,953 |
I headed-butted a girl while we were making out. She told me we should just skip the fore-head-play. | 576,954 |
Do you remember that barbecue? You know, the one where I put my meat on your grill? | 576,955 |
What does Shrek say when he wins a game of chess? Shrekmate. | 576,956 |
I organized a Ginger only orgy. Not even the Gingers turned up. | 576,957 |
The police was talking on the radio EDIT: *were
-Sir, we arrived at the crime scene
-Send the report
-A woman killed her husband. She stabbed him 35 times, shot him twice, beat him, beheaded him and finally burned him.
-Wow, what was the reason?
-The man stepped on the floor after she cleaned it.
-And did y... | 576,958 |
One day, my mother barged into my room and screamed, "Turn off that gangsta rap music!" I was listening to Lecrae... | 576,959 |
Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can! Why can't humans? Because they'll bite us! | 576,960 |
My five year old son surprised me with this one: What do you call a spy who's an amazing basketball player? LeBond James
Found this after: http://imgur.com/gallery/9q4LhU4
lol | 576,961 |
An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids weren't much to look at! | 576,962 |
I asked my buddy if he wanted me to feed his dog real quick before we left He said back to me, "Nah, fuck it."
I don't know why he tried kicking my ass, I was just doing what he said. | 576,963 |
What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction? What's the difference between Will Ferrell and a man with erectile dysfunction?
One can... "Get Hard" | 576,964 |
What do you call a cow abortion? De-calf | 576,965 |
Rick Astley will let you borrow any pixar movie in his collection except one. He's never gonna give you Up. | 576,966 |
so many poor jokes, where to begin? A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two man... | 576,967 |
Restaurant A friend said she heard there's a wonderful restaurant on the moon, but nobody goes there because there's no atmosphere...
| 576,968 |
What's the last thing they do to a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll before it leaves the factory? Give it two test-tickles!
| 576,969 |
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture | 576,970 |
Do you think Lincoln was good at pleasuring the ladies? If he was, did they call him the pounding father? | 576,971 |
Why did the chicken cross the road?... It chickened out.
(Sorry if repost)
(Also, first post so be nice :) ) | 576,972 |
As a literalist, I can't watch porno... There's too many holes in the plot.
I thought of this while reading a reddit comment section, so thank you reddit :) | 576,974 |
My wife came in and caught me watching something X rated material... "Someone's set the channel numbers to Roman numerals!" I exclaimed. | 576,975 |
Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating. | 576,976 |
I got a new computer yesterday All it does is sing.
I think it was a dell | 576,977 |
I was out and about when I saw my ex girlfriend with a new man. She saw me and came over "He's twice the man you are" she said
"I've got a new partner too" I replied
"Really?" She asked.
"Yes, and she's half the woman you are, you fat cunt" | 576,978 |
Have you heard about the movie director from space? Woody Alien | 576,979 |
What did the poop say to the pee when he was hitting on her? I may be a two but your an eight.. | 576,980 |
I come from a family of failed magicians I have 2 half sisters | 576,981 |
What did the police officer say to his stomach? I've got you under a vest. | 576,982 |
Why did the local university invite a foreign chemist? Florine talent. | 576,983 |
a wife was in bed with her lover... A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.
"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband
lurched into bed,a few minutes later,through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking ou... | 576,984 |
A man got a car for his wife Now, thats what you call a good trade. | 576,985 |
No arms and No legs A man was walking down the beach when he came across a woman with no arms and no legs. He noticed that she was crying and came to her side.
"why are you crying?" asked the man
"i was born without arms or legs, and no one has ever hugged me" she explained
Feeling sorry for her he wrapped her into ... | 576,986 |
Why are turtles dangerous in China ? Because they can turtle you. | 576,987 |
Did you hear the last Chris Brown's song featuring Rihanna? It's a hit | 576,988 |
Good lazy eye/fucked up eye jokes what does someone with a lazy eye and a man wearing a pink shirt have in common?
neither can look straight.
it must be nice to be able to look both ways before you cross the street with out ever moving your head.
Show me what you got reddit | 576,989 |
I've always lived by the motto 'work hard, play hard' But the HR department is starting to get concerned and the guys I ball with at the gym hate when I guard them | 576,990 |
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent | 576,991 |
FAIR EXCHANGE Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhil... | 576,992 |
I was once blind for 5 years It was a very dark time in my life. | 576,993 |
Man without arms A pastor is sitting in the church preparing for the upcoming church service, when he hears a kicking sound on the church doors. He goes to the door and discovers a middle aged man without arms. The pastor invites the man inside. The man with no arms tells the pastor that he is searching for a job, and ... | 576,994 |
I'm trying to teach a beaver grammar, but he just can't figure out these dam homophones. | 576,995 |
What's the cruelest curse to wish upon a single guy? "I wish his hands were made of stone." | 576,996 |
was thinking i would go away this easter. figured i would just hang around instead. its what jesus would have done | 576,997 |
Translated joke from a south Asian language. I tried my best. I'm pulling this from memory. Changed a lot of stuff, and added a buttload of new things to make this seem as normal as possible. Enjoy!
> The cops arrest a truck driver for running over 50 people. They take him to the interrogation room and start questi... | 576,998 |
Islam is a virus Ash-hadu an la ilaha ill Allah. Wa ash-hadu ana Muhammad ar-rasullallah. | 576,999 |
What did one gay horse say to the other? Haaaaayyyyy | 577,000 |
What do you call the only wood that doesn't float? Natalie.
| 577,001 |
FLY WITHOUT WINGS Q: What is a fly without wings?
A: A walk. | 577,002 |
A bear and a rabbit are pooping next to each other. The bears asks: "Does your fur stick to the poop?" The rabbit replied with: "Of course not." Then the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. | 577,003 |
What sound does a bomb make before it goes off? allahu ackbar!! | 577,005 |
A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi There's a Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi. They're out playing golf, and they're trying to decide how much to give to charity.
So the Priest says, "we'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the money way up in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to charity."
... | 577,006 |
I like my whiskey as I like my women. 12 years old and mixed with coke | 577,007 |
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil and paper | 577,008 |
So my friend tells me that he's thinking about creating a new strain of Marijuana called "Comcast". It'll sound really good but it won't get you very high. | 577,009 |
Michael J. Fox Got into a Car Accident Recently... He was really shaken up about it. | 577,010 |
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! | 577,011 |
A question that answers itself What is curiosity? | 577,012 |
Remember, tomorrow is Good Friday So let's all act like Jesus and get completely hammered. | 577,013 |
Lorena Bobbit and Jeffery Dahmer This is an old one...
What did Jeff say to Lorena after she cut her husband's penis off?
You gonna eat that? | 577,014 |
A Baseball Tale Was he the best pitcher that ever threw a baseball? Back in the 1950s, there were a lot of folks who thought so. Mel Famey of the Milwaukee Braves was a natural .. a once-in-a-lifetime phenom whose fast ball blew away the best hitters. His 90 MPH curveball would start out like it was going to hit the ba... | 577,015 |
Why did the Double A battery die after 5 years? It has two lower case a's | 577,017 |
George Bush takes his dog for a walk He meets his neighbor on the street and says hi.
His neighbor neighbor says, "are you taking your donkey for a walk again?".
Bush is confused and says "are you stupid! This is a dog, not a donkey".
Neighbor replies, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog" | 577,018 |
Jose Cuervo showed up at his girlfriend's house with a gun... Tequila | 577,019 |
Father and son pull up into their home driveway... Father says "son why don't you ever wear your seatbelt?"
Son says " it's freeing and more comfortable dad why else"
To which father casually replies " well son you should start wearing those fucking seatbealts, windshields are pretty damn expensive these days."
I f... | 577,021 |
Why did the pilot hit the Alps? To get to the other side. | 577,022 |
A Pirate walks into a bar... Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly, bartender says, "Hey, you know you have a steering wheel on the front of your pants?" Pirate says. "Arrrrgh, it's driving me nuts!" | 577,023 |
I spent the whole of my day with my hand in my trouser pocket. Maybe that's why I kept feeling cocky. | 577,024 |
I don't do cocaine I just like the smell | 577,025 |
Why did Reddit's restaurant go our of business? All of its servers were busy | 577,026 |
do you know the difference between a carrot and a fork? If you don't you should be more careful when you eat! | 577,027 |
Why don't Episcopalians play chess? They don't know the difference between a bishop and a queen | 577,028 |
How do you cure a mute coworker? Tell them a secret | 577,029 |
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
I'm sorry, everyone. | 577,030 |
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