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What's the speed limit to sex? 68.
Once you go 69 you have to stop and turn around. | 577,235 |
COMPUTER CHAT What did one computer say to the other?
010101101010101010101 | 577,236 |
What's brown and sticky A brown stick | 577,237 |
A bar walks into a horse... A bar walks into a horse... The joke-teller says, “Wait, how does it go?" | 577,238 |
I'm the kind of person that likes to be honest on April Fools April fools! | 577,239 |
A Man lived in a square and lured animals for living. He called this chapter of his life as incubator. | 577,240 |
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away. | 577,241 |
Got home last night and my girlfriend... Got home last night and my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open. I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Oh,yes!" she replied with a little smile.
I said, "Thank fuck for that, I thought the sofa had burst!" | 577,242 |
My company uses salt water to solve any problem. We are called Saline Solutions. | 577,243 |
Stranded on a Deserted Island Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here." | 577,244 |
My Dad being an asshole to an 8 year old Best April Fools Day joke; i was like 7 or 8, my dad and I are talking trash all of March 31st about who is gonna prank who better. Morning of april 1st my dad wakes me up and rushes me into the shower, has me change my clothes, and eat breakfast. As I'm about to head out to the bus stop I noticed it was pretty dark, thats because it was 3 in the morning... | 577,245 |
So I had an exam today... ...luckily I remembered it was April Fools Day and wasn't about to get pranked by my professor. I'm not that gullible! | 577,246 |
Recently discovered that my local coffee house sells my favorite soup... MISO HAPPY! :D | 577,247 |
Two blondes.... .... had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.
As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"
After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.
| 577,248 |
Why would boxers make good comedians? Because they always have a punchline | 577,249 |
Three Old Men Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.
The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm 75 years old. Every morning at 7:00, I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm 80 years old. Every morning at 8:00, I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up: "Fellas, I'm 90 years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 sharp I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." | 577,250 |
Police behavior explained Welcome rookie! Along with obtaining your equipment and
finding your patrol route and meeting your partner there is one
very important system which you should read up on if you are
going to become a respected member of the police society! We
have issued a grading system within our ranks so we know who to
promote and who to hold back and who to fire. Do you want to be
a productive member of the police force? Of course you do! To
assist in this endeavor we have created a handy guide to show
you how to become the best police officer you can! Just follow this
grading system and you will become a police chief in no time! The
following rating system is based off of Policing Points (PP for
short)
Making a stop +10 PP
Searching a car +10 PP
Finding evidence + 20PP
“Finding” evidence +10 PP
Making your quota for the day +50 points
Getting the people to respect your authority +75 PP
Not making it to a court date -20 PP
Shooting a Dog +50PP
Shooting a suspect +75 PP
Shooting a black suspect +100PP
Shooting a white suspect -10 PP
Committing a crime -5 PP
Getting away with a crime (With or without your fellow officers) +200 PP
Arresting a White suspect -15 PP
Arresting a RICH white suspect -100 PP
Rating out your fellow officers Removal of all previous PP and an automatic -500 PP on your record
Remember Rookie that these rules are not always static but make
a good reference point. What other things can you think of for the list?
| 577,251 |
Why pranksters are not excited about the April 1 because it's just another day. | 577,252 |
Knock knock Britney Knock knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Opps... I did it again! | 577,253 |
I had loads of bird seed as well as loads of parrots with headaches. Trying to hold onto all the bird seed but the parrots ate 'em all | 577,254 |
netflix marathons & cats (try konami code) Another April fools joke to take a peak at. Some funny cats w/ using a konami code. :)[netflix! snuggies! cats!](http://challenges.runkeeper.com/netflixmarathon/) | 577,255 |
They say a dog is a man's best friend... They say a dog is a man's best friend.
But I don't even have enemies that would stare directly into my eyes whilst taking a shit on my carpet. | 577,256 |
Today I found out I have dyslexia... I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. | 577,257 |
For April Fools Day Reddit disabled the upvote button XD April Fools! | 577,258 |
BANG BANG! Q: Why did the mirror have holes in it?
A: A moron kept trying to shoot himself. | 577,259 |
I grilled some chicken today... What a waste of time. He still wouldn't tell me why he crossed the road. | 577,260 |
OMG! Tumblr app actually works now! And the world was not prepared for the greatest April Fools prank of all time. Everyone from the US to Africa immediately grabbed their smartphones and futilely attempting to post a selfie to Tumblr. | 577,261 |
It was autumn and the Red Indians asked their New Chief... It was autumn and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?' 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,' the weather man responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Is it going to be a very cold winter?' 'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'It's definitely going to be a very cold winter.' The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy.' | 577,262 |
A blonde walks into a restaurant A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some dinner, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt. ''Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?'' | 577,263 |
How many frat boys does it take to change a light bulb? None, they prefer natural light | 577,264 |
A pirate walks into a bar... So a little pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pant and orders a drink. The bartender give him the drink but first asks, "Doesn't that steering wheel bother you? It looks uncomfortable."
The pirate replies "Argh!! Its driving me nuts!!" | 577,265 |
Did you know Elvis once worked at a dry cleaners? He specialized in treating denim. In particular, Elvis pressed Lees. | 577,266 |
Getting off Reddit for April Fools... April Fools. Reddit is life. | 577,267 |
Forgot it's April fool's! What's the simplest way to really quickly get some friends so I can prank them? | 577,268 |
What would you do if you were Justin Bieber for a day... ...i would send all the money in his bank account to me, obviously.
How about you guys? | 577,269 |
Reddit's biggest April Fool's Day Joke Yet http://i.imgur.com/aT7QoyW.png | 577,270 |
Wordpress is shutting down? http://www.everydayfails.com/articles/wordpress-is-shutting-down/ | 577,271 |
How do you measure guacamole? Using Avocado's number.... | 577,272 |
Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home... Fred and Marie are residents in a retirement home...
Marie says to Fred, "I bet I can guess how old you are."
"How are you gonna do that?" asks Fred.
"Well," says Marie, "You have to unzip your pants."
Fred is a little hesitant, but Marie assures him that there is nothing to fear. This method is quick and 100% accurate. So, Fred unzips his pants and Marie puts her hand in there and feels around for a few seconds.
She pulls her hand out. "You're 93." she says.
"That's amazing!" said Fred. "How on earth did you know that?"
"You told me yesterday." | 577,273 |
Your mom must be on Reddit right now, It's under heavy load. | 577,274 |
Why did the french chef kill himself? He lost the huile d'olive | 577,275 |
A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life... A girl was about to jump off a cliff to end her life. Just as she was about to leap to her death, a homeless man approached from behind and shouted to ask her a question, "Excuse me miss! Before you jump would you like to have sex with me?" The woman replied angrily, "No I most certainly would not! How dare you try and take advantage of me in a situation like this!"
The homeless responded, "Very well then, I'll just wait for you to get to the bottom." | 577,276 |
It's a healthy relationship My wife told me that she wanted to give me a deepthroat blowjob today.
"Really!" I exclaimed.
"No," She said, "April Foogargagggrraggggle."
That'll teach her to try and be funny... | 577,277 |
What did the creators of Good Burger call their vegan cooking show? Quinoa and Kale | 577,278 |
Did you hear about the man that slept on corduroy pillow? No? I'm surprised, it made headlines! | 577,279 |
My friend said he was a harp.. But he was obviously a lyre. | 577,280 |
There was a farmer who had a machine which caculated the angle you sat. He called it his pro-tractor | 577,281 |
The doctor told me to stay positive I have HIV | 577,282 |
A Burglar Broke Into a House... A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight Off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so He could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed.. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.' | 577,283 |
I watched Canadian porn today... 2 girls 1 Stanley Cup
-----------------
Credit Jeff Ross | 577,284 |
The police just released a statement that someone is going around pickpocketing midgets. I'm surprised someone could stoop so low. | 577,285 |
An Irishman walks into a sex shop.... An Irishman walks into a sex shop, goes up to the counter and says 'Excuse me, I want to bring this sex doll back' the shopworker says 'Can you explain what is wrong with it?' Irishman says, 'I've blown it up, and it's got a cock and a tongue when it's supposed to be a woman'...Shopworker stares and him for a bit and goes 'You bloody idiot, you've blown it up inside out!' | 577,287 |
What do you call a smart bull? An oxymoron.
ill leave | 577,288 |
Got a girlfriend today! April fools! | 577,289 |
50 shades of grey #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8
yeah what did you expect.. | 577,290 |
A little pun that I think I made up, I can't remember, there's just been so many damn puns I've seen I stole a few of the large trucks that were tasked with transporting the crackers you use to make smores with.
It was graham theft auto | 577,291 |
Vegetables They never knew what hit em | 577,292 |
A couple walks into a theater. "Which overhyped disaster epic do you want to see?" Says the man.
"Hm... Godzilla is nice, and so is that new Glacier movie with the global warming is cool too." The woman replies. | 577,293 |
Yo momma's so old.... ....that her birthday expired. I also saw with her a copy of the Bible, signed personally by Jesus. | 577,294 |
NSFW My boyfriend broke up with me for not being gay! By "broke up with me," I mean "demanded money." And by "boyfriend," I mean, "guy I picked up on Hollywood Boulevard for a blowjob." But hey, at least I'm not gay!
| 577,295 |
What do you call people who play April Fool's jokes? Annoying. | 577,296 |
How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who cares, because How Can Light Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real? | 577,297 |
Why did the ambulance show up to a tennis match between Number 8 and Number 9? The umpire called it: nine won one. | 577,298 |
Super baby A man was sitting outside his wife's hospital room while she was giving birth. Finally, after half an hour of anxious anticipation, the doctor emerges from the ward holding the baby in his arms.
"Congratulations Mr Smith, it's a boy. Not only that, this baby has super powers!"
The man, unsure how to react, responded with a confused "...super powers?"
"Yeah," said the doctor excitedly, "your son can fly! Watch!".
Before the man could react, the doctor opened a window and tossed the baby out. Unsurprisingly, it fell to the ground with a loud splat.
The man went apeshit. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!", he screamed, "YOU KILLED MY FUCKING BABY YOU CUNT!"
"April fools!", said the doctor, "It was stillborn." | 577,299 |
A teenager was cursed by a witch... A teenager was cursed by a witch, and the curse was that he could only say 1 word a year, but he could accumulate words by not talking throughout the whole year. One day, he saw a very beautiful girl in the park, and it was love at first sight for him. He decided to wait 3 years to say "I love you" to the girl.
***3 years later***
He walked up to her, but felt "I love you" was not good enough. He thought to wait 2 more to say, "My dearest, I love you."
***2 years later***
After 2 years, the girl was in the park, well into her 20s, and the teenager, now also in his 20s, walked up to her. "Hey, I remember you from a few years ago, you haven't aged a bit." The woman said. The man started to sweat. He decided to wait 4 more years to say "My dearest, I love you. Will you marry me?".
***4 years later***
It was the final day, he was tired of waiting. He saw the woman again she was wearing the most beautiful hooded dress he had ever seen. He gathered all his courage and walked up to the woman. "My dearest, I love you. Will you marry me?". He said. The people around him at the park turned and gasped, waiting for the answer.
The woman lowered her hood, took out her earbuds. "What did you say, sir?" | 577,300 |
April Fools' Day 2015 Samsung has announced this year's must-have kitchen accessory -- the Galaxy BLADE edge, "the world's first smart knife with smartphone capabilities," according to the phonemaker. The phone/knife apparently features "a razor-sharp diamond edge, tough enough to cut through a lobster tail and sharp enough to slice though tender heirloom tomatoes."
It's probably still not as good as an iPhone. | 577,301 |
Albert the 75 year old was in a nursing home.... Every day he walked into the gardens and sat on a bench. Soon after he sat down Doris would come and sit next to him - he would take his penis out and she would hold it for about an hour. After a while they stood up and walked back to their respective rooms. The staff turned a blind eye to this - after all a bit of older love wasn't really upsetting anyone and it went on for about 2 years. One day they looked out into the gardens and saw Albert sitting on the bench - but this time it was another old lady - Mavis - holding him. Doris was in another corner of the garden in floods of tears. As Albert walked back to his room - a nurse questioned him..."I see Mavis is your girlfriend now and you have left Doris....what does Mavis have that Doris doesn't?"
Albert replied "Parkinson's" | 577,302 |
Don't throw a cow man... Is what my co worker said on an intense phone call before she hangs up. *4 seconds of silence followed* "I think you meant, don't have a cow man," said my other co worker...and that Reddit, was how I died today. | 577,303 |
What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer | 577,304 |
Is this a joke? Hell yeah! | 577,305 |
How do you get people to look at your post? Mark it NSFW
| 577,306 |
An April Fools themed joke | 577,307 |
I was going to post something for April Fools ....but this whole subreddit is a joke so there doesn't seem to be much to do. | 577,308 |
Jet Fuel Can Melt Steel Beams Happy April Fools Everyone | 577,309 |
what will i do when i have an out-of-body experience? i'll see myself out.... | 577,310 |
So Dumb Have you guys ever spoken to someone so dumb, you can just hear the misspelled words? | 577,311 |
Do you remember when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder played each other in a tennis match? It was endless love. | 577,312 |
What did the referee say to the southwest attendant? Free points for traveling? This is all fucked up | 577,313 |
I cut myself shaving today... because who has time to do both? | 577,314 |
Why the musician sold his computer... It was baroque. | 577,315 |
What's the difference between Walmart and India? Well, one is filled with cows.
And the other is in Asia. | 577,316 |
I don't drink or smoke and I don't curse... Ah fuck I left my fags in the pub. | 577,317 |
What does a girl from Arkansas say when she loses her virginity? "Get off me paw, you're crushing my smokes." | 577,318 |
How did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the waffle iron.
How did she burn the other side?
They called back. | 577,319 |
What do you call a gay guy in a coma? A watermelon. | 577,320 |
Honey, I slept with a stranger tonight. April Fools'.
It was your sister. | 577,321 |
Who needs April Fools... When your whole life is a joke. | 577,322 |
Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger... ...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text. | 577,323 |
Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!" | 577,324 |
I don't have a penis April Fools | 577,325 |
I love standing up.. ..but I can't stand sitting down! | 577,326 |
I broke up with my ex girl. Here's her number. SIKE! THAT'S THE WRONG NUMBER! | 577,327 |
I have a ton of Updawg I am try to sell(description in comments) First come first serve. Fell free to ask any questions. | 577,328 |
What's an SJW's favorite JRPG? Chrono Triggered. | 577,329 |
I'll never forget the day I was diagnosed with dyslexia. It was the 41st April 1892. | 577,330 |
A father is teaching his son how to cook. He asks his dad, "Should I serve this now?" While cooking a fine cut of veal. His father looks it over and says, "It still looks a little pink to me son, I wouldn't *brisket*." | 577,331 |
Do you have a nose? Who nose?
Courtesy of the ~6yo on my morning bus. | 577,332 |
What do you call a blob of mud from a methane filled lake who becomes a boxer? Gaseous Clay. | 577,333 |
What do you call a little kid with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor. | 577,335 |
What soup is the manliest? The alphabet soup. | 577,336 |
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