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How long do u wait to tell someone u met/ r interested in ur bipolar? I’m BPII and highly logical most of the time so it’s not noticeable unless I tell someone. But when does being private turn into lies if omission. I really struggle with this question.
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self.bipolar
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I think I am bipolar. What steps should I take to get professional help/a proper diagnosis? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Don't forget that today is World Bipolar Day. So depending on how comfortable you are with sharing, today is a good day to share information, bring about awareness, and do some damage to the stigmas associated with this mood disorder.
So what are you doing today? I'm bombarding my Facebook feed with different articles and photographs and videos and hopes that a few people will take the time to take a look at it. Oh and I'm doing it on Instagram and Twitter to.
Feel free to share what you're doing and if you're not doing anything feel free to share why.
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self.bipolar
|
Trying to find a new medication. Currently on clonazepam. So I've been on clonazepam for many months. I won't lie, it works wonders for me. However, I can't keep taking it because of its awful drowsy effect on me. I take it at night, and when I wake up I have this groggy feeling following me around all day. In fact, I still feel tired right now and I haven't taken a new pill yet.
My psychiatrist and I have tried different dosages and different times to take the pill. It's just not working for me, it seems.
Before I go to my doctor, I wanted to find out from you if there even are pills out there meant for anxiety that don't have such drowsy effects. I know that for the most part benzos will, so perhaps there's some other ones you may know of that I don't. Thank you!
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self.Anxiety
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How open are you? I'm just just curious to hear how open some of you are when it comes to having bipolar, or any mental illness really.
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self.bipolar
|
trintellix advice Hello. Newbie here so I hope that I am following the rules.
I started going to a psychiatrist about a year ago to manage my GAD and OCD. After a few different medication attempts that failed (I'm pretty sensitive to a lot of meds which is why I waited so long to get help), my doctor prescribed Trintellix, 15mg. This seemed to work decently for a while, about 6 months, but I began to relapse pretty hardcore in the past 6-8 weeks. I went to the doctor again this past week and she upped my dosage to 20mg which I've now taken for five nights. I feel like a complete zombie. I can barely function. I pass out at an absurdly early hour every night and sleep way too long in the mornings. I'm tired a few hours after I wake up. I don't remember this happening when I first started taking it, but maybe it did and I forgot. Is this normal?
I'm also worried about the fact that 15mg worked for only about 6 months. 20mg is apparently the max. What if I stop responding to this in another 6 months? I get really anxious about trying new medicines and I just really want something to work that's reliable for the long term, or at least longer than 6 months. I don't know what else I can take. I failed a bunch of meds like Lexapro and Xanax, and I'm worried I won't have anything else to try if the Trintellix doesn't work long-term.
Thank you for any help and advice you can offer. I really appreciate it.
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self.Anxiety
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Just finished book “Tribe” by Sebastian Junger I had no idea there would be such an emphasis on mental illness.
Anyone else read it? I’m kind of dumbfounded by all the information gathered by the author.
To think of the possibility that I would not be so fucked up and miserable ... if only I grew up in an impoverished 3rd world country ... instead of the US ... I’m sitting here thinking WTF. That’s the opposite of what I would have assumed.
I know we live longer. But I also know there’s a huge difference between quantity and quality of life.
Anyone have any thoughts on this?
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self.bipolar
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Second Choice There are certain things in life that we can't tackle head on. Certain things that are just as they are and we are stuck with them because giving up is not an option. Because giving up means throwing away all hope and hope is the only thing keeping us from going cold.
Being second-choice is the purgatory of love. It's when you concider someone your bestfriend but they don't feel the same. You're trying your best. It's not your fault. They don't reciprocate. It's not their fault. It's a blameless torture. One where you have no where to turn. You simply can't tell them how you feel because there is no correct response. So you're stuck texting first, calling first, making plans, being cancelled on for better things. You're not unwanted, you're just wanted less. You're never anyone's number one. Even your closest friends have closer friends.
What are you to do in love purgatory but wait for your sentence to be served and for an angel to free you. For the alternative is hell.
In life, hope is the killer. Once shed, we become machines. Cold. Unfeeling. Impervious. Unlovable. Unloved.
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self.depression
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Urge to travel when depressed I feel like this might be opposite of other people, but when I go through bad bits of depression, all I want to do is travel. Getting out of bed and doing my boring day to day seems insurmountable but getting in the car and driving 10 hours seems ideal - and makes no sense. I guess traveling makes me forget how shitty my regular life is. Anyone else get like this?
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self.depression
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30s and lost Really down these days.
When I was younger school and uni always had loadsa mates and stuff going on, now it’s all gone. I was always upbeat and cocky and happy, now my life is nowhere most mates married kids etc so boring never hang out like when young, parties etc...even just a normal day to day social life hanging with same mates same faces. Still somewhat child relying on parents etc,,.now I feel that’s all gone..I got no career but working on it, not a major issue.
I just feel my social life has gone forever,, there’s no randomness, nights out, crazy benders, fun nights etc etc...everything all strict and formal....feel like toppin myself somewhat..
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self.depression
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I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it today It's been a rough life, but a rough 4 months especially and it came to a boiling point last night. I'm just waiting for me to perform this stunt show with my martial arts team. They depend on me right now so that's the only thing I have left to worry about. After this it's slitting my wrists. Everything sucks and I don't have a way to make it better or deal with it anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
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Going for a drive I'm bipolar, a functioning alcoholic, and abuse codeine and benzos. Nobody knows. I've tried eliminating these things from my life, I've tried AA, I've tried therapy, I take my medication, I see my psychiatrist regularly. For long periods I'm well but when I'm not, I'm really not.
My marriage is over. My husband is a liar and continues to lie. His family hates me, God knows what lies he's told them. I don't know who he is anymore. I'm not sure anything he's ever said to me was true.
I'm going for a long drive this afternoon and I don't know if I'll return. I have a final destination in mind. I know if I go through with it there is no question I will die - no ambulance, no ITU. I don't feel desperate anymore. Only calm.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im about to fall in depression. [Rant/NeedHelp] - i dont want to disappoint anyone :(
Hey, im already sorry for my bad writing and other stuff.. im a fucking mss
Im crying for the first time in years now writing this but i dont know what to do
Let me introduce myself - I’m a 16yo boy who is falling in depression. I feel so weak writing this and when i wake up ill cringe about what i wrote.
Fuck it, im going to throw out all my problems at once. I have a 2,5y older sister who plays Softball at a very high level, and she is basically the hope for the family, she thinks She’s a fucking princess... egoistic fuck.
I commonly get cursed by my parents and sister at with things like im Autistic, Lazy, Useless, Game-Addicted, Junk, trash. I used to laugh it away but its really hurting right now.
I do bad in school and if i wont do better i might have to re-do the year.
Because my parents think im useless (while im litterly at the highest niveau of school in the country, and all 3 did way below that) im very tend to grab on videogames and create a better me.
I dont want to tell my family since they are going to fucking make fun of it and think i need attention. I dont even think it, im litterly sure of it. My mom is the only person who hasnt a fucking tunnelvision in my life. It fucks with me.
I only have 1 friend i can talk to, but Ive never talked with her about me this deep and im afraid she will find me weird.
I dont know what to do, but if i dont do anything i will get fucked up. (Im not suicidal)
Im sorry for wasting your time
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self.depression
|
Waiting for someone to call back gives me the worst anxiety I got a job a few weeks ago, but I had to go to a place to "sign up" so he can get money for me working at him. So my "future boss" told me he gonna call that place and call back (this was 1 week ago).
When I'm on my phone I'm super anxious that the display will go into "someone calling you" display where u get to choose to pick up or decline.
So when I eat, go to the toilet or wanna relax, I put my phone on silence mode and put the phone away otherwise I feel very anxious.
Anyone else hate phone calls?
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self.Anxiety
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I just had the weirdest realization that it's not all that normal to just casually long for death. [removed]
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self.depression
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35 and still single? Am I alone ? I feel like I got here - and even though it's been a fierce and horrific struggle- super fast and now
I'm old all of a sudden. And I'm finally starting to see the light a little bit and I feel like it's too late, like life has passed me by.
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self.bipolar
|
Finally taking the plunge About five-six years ago, when I was 15, I went to the doctor about depression and anxiety and a few other things. After over a year on the therapy waiting list, I got told I was too old for child services and was going to be put on the adult waiting list. After another 4-6 months I finally got a phone call from them that they were ready... By which time I didn't want help, I was about to do exams, I told them to swivel on it.
I've been struggling ever since, but the stress from college has made this year really bad from the start and I've been trying to force myself to go to the doctors again. I finally made an appointment in about a week.
The doctor I've made an appointment with is a family doctor in training so hopefully younger, more recent training, compassionate, and better mental health training.
I'm looking to start anti-depressants probably, maybe anti-anxiety? Does anyone have any ideas on what I should push for/push against medicine wise? I understand everyone is different.
Mostly just posting this for support/getting it off my chest. I can't really talk to my parents about this and my friends are all asleep right now.
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self.depression
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Was in a car accident yesterday As my car was spinning out of control on it's way to hitting another vehicle I kept saying to myself "what is happening?". When it finally crashed and stopped all I could say to myself was "what is happening?" Now after the hospital has sent me home and I'm in bed contemplating life without my car for at least the next month, I can't seem to think what to do. I just keep asking myself "what is happening?"
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self.depression
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People don't leave bad jobs, they leave bad managers. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What advice can you give to a person who has crippling anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Is it impossible to get a decent Job? I am often suicidal because i am anxious about the future. Because it gets harder to get a decent Job that pays a living wage. Even with good education. The jobmarket doesn't look good. So it is normal if you want to die because it gets impossible eve nwith a good education to get a decent Job? Should i just kill myself?
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self.depression
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No one would give a shit if I killed myself. Around this time of year it's the worst, everyone saying how you need to value your family and those around you. A few therapists have said to me how many people would be devastated if i killed myself, but it's such fucking bullshit. My parents are either disappointed with me or angry towards me, depending on their mood, and my younger brother has autism and wont voluntarily talk to me. The three people outside my family who I am even remotely close too don't really give a shit about me, which has been proven time and time again by every time they forget about me/ignore me/don't invite me or talk to me etc. At this point there is no negative to me killing myself, only thing that has prevented me is my own fear which is in itself pathetic.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Last year I got divorced and it destroyed my confidence and ability to trust. I moved back in with my dad and now I no longer feel like an adult. I HATE my job and am not able to find any sort of work that isn't the same damn thing because I have no education or skills. I've never had any dreams or aspirations so going back to school is out of the question. I can't stay focused on anything anymore. I just don't care about anything or anyone. I have no friends or social life, I'm not close to anyone in my family, and all I ever do is work and sleep.
I don't have the best money management skills so I really don't believe I'm going to be able to handle living on my own without fucking it all up. I've only had a place of my own once and it was barely for a year.
If I actually get a day off of work, I usually end up sleeping till well past noon because I'd rather be unconscious instead of awake with my thoughts. My dreams are even depressing. My stomach is always upset. Nothing tastes good. I just have lost all interest in every thing. I'm either miserable and on the verge of crying or mad as hell and unable to vent.
I'm so sick of my life and the world around me that the only constant thought is how I want to die. I feel like no amount of therapy or medication will change anything. Dating isn't an option as I am clearly too codependent. I have no hope for the future, nothing to look forward to. Everything ends up disappointing me. I want to die. I really don't know how much longer I can stand this. I always feel sick.
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self.depression
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I need someone to chat 1on1 I saw some online counselling on google...but they charge around $100 to $260 per month...the problem is, that's a big chunk of my pay day... also i am too ashamed to even go face to face and talk to a psychiatrist personally
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self.Anxiety
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I’m not sure where to go. A suicide attempt got me kicked out of my grad school program. I’m all alone, in substantial debt with no degree now, and nothing to lose. I’m worth more dead than alive. I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever tried.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why am I not allowed to die?! Losing his reason to die, while suicidal is more torture than losing his will to live and suicide together. I want to die. So badly. Why do I have younger sisters?! I just live for them. For their sake. Everyday, I force myself to do easy tasks and it is so painful. I just want to end it all. I nearly did. What is wrong with me?! Why cant I just end it?! Why do I have to live for the existence of my little sisters...?
Its an endless dilemma, that cant be solved. I will be stuck forever in this cycle of hell, called earth.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Severe crippling social anxiety (Panic at job interview) Haven't held a job in 3 years due to severe crippling social anxiety. Male age 25. It's so bad my voice cracks and my face flush. From small talk. Had a job interview today. Heart started beating fast in the elevator. Things started to go blurry. Approaching the receptionist desk was a nightmare. And I have a terrible speech impediment and often find it difficult to find words. I'm a coward. I'm a mess and people around me cringe. When my cellphone rings I panic. My throats get dry. Can't even say hello and who is this? Without choking up.
I tried anti anxiety medications but ended up abusing them. They were for short term use and they stopped working.
What should I do? I'm ready to apply for disability
Also what antidepressant do you think will work for me?
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self.depression
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Bad Person I see people on here say they’re bad people, but I’m genuinely bad.
I did something awful I’m not going to talk about, something when I was a teenager.
It’s never left my mind and even though the person forgave me (and I forgave them because they also did some screwed up stuff to me but not as bad as what I did) I can’t ever forget it.
Sometimes I feel like if I just keep being a good person and help people, I can move on because it would hurt my family too much if I left them.
But it hurts so bad. I wish I could be a good person again. I wish I could take it back so badly. I dream of a day where I will forget, which is selfish but it’s true. It took me years to figure out what I did was wrong.
I’m really alone, in my mid twenties, have only one friend who lives far away and I’m gay so finding a girlfriend is difficult.
Not that I deserve a girlfriend. That’s what holds me back. I don’t deserve anything good.
But I don’t think me dying would help anyone.
I’ve made some great strides in many aspects of my depression and anxiety but this always keeps me back.
I’ve only ever told one person and they’re still friends with me but I think they just couldn’t bear losing me as a friend and so they just forgot about it.
Has anyone else been through something similar?
How do you forgive yourself? Or should I even forgive myself?
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self.depression
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It really bothers me how you can't retrieve deleted photo albums on Facebook. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I can't do it I want to die. I know that much. I hate myself so fucking much, I'm an awful person who doesn't do anything for others and should have never been born. I hate myself so much. I hate myself so much.
But I'm too afraid to die. I had the bottle of pills RIGHT IN MY HANDS AND I COULDN'T DO IT FUCK!
GOD FUCKING DAMNIT
I WISH I WASN'T EVER BORN FUCK ME
I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF I HATE MYSELF
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self.SuicideWatch
|
"Quit feeling sorry for yourself." My mom told me that whenever I would express negative emotions growing up. And it still haunts me. Whenever I get down on myself, I hear her say "quit feeling sorry for yourself" and I'll push my emotions down and won't allow myself to feel them. I'm fairly certain this led to my addiction and many of my emotional issues.
I had to share. I'm so angry about it.
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self.offmychest
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Depressed gf
I don’t know what to do anymore with my gf. We’ve been dating for 2.5 years. It was really good in the beginning. We have a lot of similarities, are personalities are similar, our morals align, and we’re physically attracted to each other. She got pregnant 6 months into our relationship and we decided to abort the baby. That really changed our relationship, but defintely took a huge toll on her and me. We both eventually went to counseling and got help together. That used to be a main issue between us, but the counseling defintely helped. We love each other and do nice things for each other and try to support each other. She has severe depression, she’s counseling, and is on SSRIs. Mental illness runs in her family, and her parents have an awful marriage. She’s really stressed out from her immediate family and work. I try my best to not stress her at all, I don’t ask her to do anything for me, and I defintely don’t criticize/yell at her. The smallest things really stress her out and “ruin her entire day”. More often then not she takes her stress out on me. I’m usually really good about trying to handle her stress and comfort her, even if she’s taking it out on me, but eventually I reach my breaking point. Lately, Its been getting to me. It’s been like this for about 1.5 years where she has these huge breakdowns. They used to last for 3-4 hours at times, but she had gotten better about it which I’m very proud of her for. Because I totally get it, it’s hard to change now it’s like 1-2 hours after she belittles me, yells, and criticize me. Eventually I snap, and don’t yell at her but I just be very rational with her and tell her he truth. How I really feel and that she’s being irrational. However, this usually induces a panic attack and also makes her mention how she wants to kill herself. So I feel trapped because either way I’m in a lose lose situation. I don’t know how to be honest with her how I really feel about things or if I don’t agree. Because more often then not if she doesn’t get her way it will lead into a really long fight, sometimes a break down, and me apologizing profusely regardless.
I love her, but I can’t handle her when she takes her frustrations on me. She’ll have no problem to saying yes to her family or even coworkers, but for me since she feels comfortable she’ll do as she pleases. I’m not trying to portray her as a monster, because she’s really sweet and loving. She does nice things for me, treats me out, and calls me nice names. When she’s feeling good, we have a blast no issues at all. But it’s when she’s feeling down, that’s when the problems arrise. I just don’t know what to do when she’s having a breakdown because I can feel my own mind changing and she literally makes me feel really sick and bad about myself. As a human being I feel for her, especially someone who says they would rather die. She confides all this in me, and to the world she can put on face that she’s 100% fine. It feels like a huge burden because if I break up with her, what will happen, who will take care of her, she’ll probably just kill herself? It really tears me apart when she says she just wants someone to support her and take care of her. And I tell her deep down, I am really trying my best, but I don’t know how to help you. Is the more I can do to help her?
I feel like im living a lie. All my friends and family think we’re so happy together. Nor do I say how she really is and what a toll it’s taking on me because I don’t want her to look crazy. I really don’t know what to do. What can I do to help her? What can I do to help myself cope with her? Any insight or personal anecdotes would be super appreciated.
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self.depression
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Facebook Did You Know? Does anyone else feel like this new Facebook feature called “Did you know?” is just another way for my manic self to over share with everyone?
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self.bipolar
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I just want this off my chest I thought about it doing it I just can't but at the same time it just seems like I'm not progressing that I don't need to progressed my life is simply nothing and that's how I see it I've been why do the people I trusted family members that is I got kicked out twice I feel it wasn't even my fault one was because somebody couldn't keep up with the bills and the other I was backstabbed that's the second time I was actually doing well for myself I was in a position and a job that I really liked and I was doing good and then I ended up moving in the south before I left for the cell that was told things that have been kept secret for 24 years family members who actually work family members parents who weren't my real parents being heartbroken because I'm too stupid to realize that I'm too emotional and too serious when it comes to trying to be in a relationship I rush into them thinking I don't have enough time I'm back down at a shit job again kicked down I can barely sleep and rarely eat even though I'm still fat barely get out of bed I just don't feel like it feel like there's no point and then even when I do I'll go to work and talk to people that I call friends or they'll make fun of me and I mean I'm so used to it now that I feel like it's just normal for me saying I'm shit at my job or I'm stupid not to mention that I have my GED and a family member told me that I was the worst mistake of my life that I ended my life that day when I dropped out I just feel tired I don't have the energy it feels like I do some days I'll be actually pretty chipper but then later in the day or the next day it'll just be worse and I'll get worse and then I'll be good again and then I'll just get even more worse and it's just on and on and I can't take it anymore I don't know what to do I don't know how to do anyting right I want to do it but I'm just too tired to do it I guess my laziness is what keeps me alive and my fear of what happens after that
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self.SuicideWatch
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One year on and not jumping is still the biggest regret of my life A year ago today I was a few days in to being locked up in the hospital after getting talked down from a bridge. I'm still in debt from the hospital bills, and will be for a long time. After 12 years my spouse went to go "visit" her father 1000 miles away in July and hasn't come back, last night made it clear that she's not and neither is my son. My business is failing, and I'm about to lose my house. Not jumping was certainly the worst decision I've ever made.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have a shadow I have a shadow and not the shadow your thinking of it lingers in the back of my mind and pulls the strings for everything I do I try to hide it and make it look like I’m having fun but I’m not I’m dying on the inside and sometimes I can’t hide it because my shadow has a knife to my neck and nobody can see it. But I enjoy my shadow because my shadow is the only thing that cares about me
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self.depression
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I think i might end my life tonight or run away My bf is babysitting his nephew and I heard the baby crying for his mom over the phone and I broke down. I had an abortion with my ex baby in August and it’s literally killing me and ripping me apart. I honestly feel like i need to die for what i did. I have other serious problems on top of that and already had a failed attempt that left me in the hospital for a day but i need to try again because I️ can’t take it
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self.offmychest
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How do i get my parents to realize that i think they screwed up raising me? http://its killing me inside. everyday my parents go about thinking theyve done a perfect job with both me and my sister. when in reality we're both basically estranged from our dad, and we have a strained relationship with our mother. ill give them credit where credit is due, theyve done a wonderful job providing for us. but in the emotional/social department, we are utterly fucked. every time i try to bring up anything, they either forgot that they ever did something and tell me im crazy, or say it was for the greater good. they see me constantly lashing out, but they think im the problem. i do know that some of my problems in life were self made, but i dont know how to act in social situations at all because of them. its been like this for years. i dont know what to do anymore and its killing me inside.
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self.depression
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Might Have Destroyed My Future Ok I need to get this off my chest. Fuck here we go. I go to a boys military school which is very strict in substances. I got suspended for a week earluer this year due to being caught with cocaine. After this incident I decided to not use any illegal substance of any form. And I did. That is until now.
We are getting back from break and tomorrow is the first day. We will likely have a school wide drug test and I decided to smoke weed yesterday.
I know I am a stupid 17 year old kid with no common sense but I am so worried right now. If or when I test dirty I will most likely be expelled. I feel like and am an idiot.
I get good grades, did well on my ACT and was looking forward to college life. Now I feel like I have thrown it down the drain. Colleges I have already applied to won't accept me if I get kicked out of school midway senior year.
Nevermind the dissapointment and shame I will bring to my family. The school is 50k a year and I am wasting everything my parents have sacrificed because of my idiocy.
Aghh just wanted to get it off my chest I'm sorry to everyone who believed in me. I am typing this at 4 am and shakimg with anxiety at what the next day will bring.
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self.offmychest
|
Could money help with depression? Sometimes I get depressed about certain things in my life. I realize that some of these things could potentially be fixed with enough money. Do you think money will help curb your depression?
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self.depression
|
I feel like a complete failure and my mental health is crumbling... I applied to graduate schools and due to a major mistake on my part many of my materials did not make it to the schools on time. I called all of them and since there were multiple materials (transcripts from undergrad and community college) that arrived late they would not be looking at my applications. My boss spent so much of her free time helping me and I messed up huge. I had two other higher ups spend time writing me letters of rec. I have no idea how to tell anyone.
I'm spiraling and my depression and anxiety are on the rise. I feel my suicidal tendencies creeping back. I know it seems like I'm overreacting but I spent so much time and money on this that I don't think I deserve anything after messing up. I'll be a disappointment which makes me think I don't even think I can handle the stress of grad school. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and alone. I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
I wanna quit my job and move away but at the same time I know I can't. I have responsibilities to take care of but I just feel so worthless. So angry and disappointed in myself. I want to die. I don't deserve anything, not even life.
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self.offmychest
|
Jim Carey’s speech with cool animation, thought it would be helpful to others dealing with fears.
[Speech](https://youtu.be/cCDAiFrWNP0)
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self.Anxiety
|
Ready to throw away everything I've worked for because I just can't take it anymore I'm [20F] scheduled to go back to college tomorrow afternoon but the thought of leaving home and going back to a place that I hate is killing me. I've worked so hard to get to where I am but at this point I don't give a shit. The college I'm at is such a pressure-cooker that the social life is nonexistent. I don't have any friends because no one has time for friends. Even if I manage to get myself back to campus, I don't think I'll have it in me to get out of bed and go to class. Has anyone else hit this wall where they're ok with throwing away everything they worked for?
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self.depression
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Seroquel vs Abilify? what differences are there between these 2 drugs, does abilify make you drowsy like seroquel?
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self.bipolar
|
I stay in relationship with my depressed girlfriend,because i am afraid to break up with her. I am in a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend,but i feel that i cannot keep staying with her.The biggest difficulty is her depression.
The last one year and a half it is more or less the same,even the last year that she visits psychiatrist.I know it is really hard what she's going through.But at the same time she keeps blaming me,that i am not supportive enough and i spent most of the day at work. I really love her,but i don't know if i can stand her explosions or bad mood anymore.Also we don't have sex,or maybe once in 3 months..
However,i am really afraid to break up with her,because as she says,i am the closest person to her and if we would break up,she will be totally alone.
I know that depression is such a difficult disease and i feel terrible for myself that i want to leave her.But almost two years now,i don't do things i want,because i want to be next to her..I am in a point and age (i am 31,she is 24)that i want to build something new.
As it is i stay because i cannot stand the idea of her harming herself,because of the break up..
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self.depression
|
I just want to get away as soon as possible I don’t want to go to work Tuesday. I don’t want to be in the house I’m in. I don’t want to be in this area. There is nothing for me here. I had a date in mind and it passed. I don’t nesseccaraly want to die, I just don’t want to exist where I am and I’m stuck. I need an out. I have no family, I have no friends. Where do I go? Can I be there tommorow?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm tired of bringing my friends down. Does anyone else hate venting to friends about your problems? It just feels like I'm dragging them down to my level. Every time I vent I feel a little better because I've gotten something off my chest, but then I feel worse the next day because I just made their day worse by talking to them about my depression.
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self.depression
|
Anxiety about going under anesthesia for surgery I'm having general anesthesia for the first time this week and I'm terrified. It's a short outpatient orthopedic surgery so I'll only be under for about 25-30 minutes, but I'm so anxious. Some of my concerns giving me anxiety:
- I won't meet the anesthesiologist until the day of the surgery
- I won't know what anesthesic drug they're using until the day of the surgery
- My vital signs will be monitored during the surgery by a nurse anestheist and not the actual anesthesiologist
- What happens if I'm allergic to the medication? I can't know if I've never had surgery before
- Will they be able to reverse the anesthesia quickly if I'm having a bad reaction?
- I'm afraid I'll be so nervous before they apply the IV and administer the medication that I'll panic and cancel the surgery
- I'm afraid that I won't be spending a night in the hospital after the surgery, instead they're sending me home
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self.Anxiety
|
Secretly interested in really weird stuff. I honestly feel guilty even writing this - anonymously-.
I have been with my husband for 8 years now and I am 27 years old. He is the only man I have ever been with. I love him to death and he is the most amazing person I know.
But he doesn't really truly know me. I have always been super weird sexually. I can only be truly aroused by pain or feeling scared. I rarely ever achieve orgasm with him (I usually fake, I can't stand to see him worry that he is doing something wrong) and those are the times he is a bit rougher than usual. I tried telling him a little bit about my problem and he just said he doesn't judge me and we can spice things.
But to give you a bit of insight to my situation, I work out and diet pretty extreme with my trainer because I feel (non sexual) pleasure out of being in pain doing the extreme work outs and hunger.
I am SO ashamed and never brought it up again because I know that he can't truly give me what I need. My fantasies aren't like light spankings, I fantasize about someone hurting me against my will and doesn't even matter how. What does it for me is that I can't resist it or fight back. Which is so messed up. I tried therapy and it went nowhere. I had a pretty nice childhood.
I have no intentions of divorcing my husband, I am aware I have no solution. I am just so frustrated and needed to tell someone.
♥
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self.offmychest
|
Lamictal and short term memory issues Y'all. This drug has thrown me into mania and a rapid fall into depression, which is fine because I'll have an antidepressant soon. My real issue is the short term memory loss.
I got myself a reminder binder and forgot it at home today. I literally rely on the special days here to determine what day it actually is at various points in the day. My brain cannot find half the words I'm looking for.
I've been on lamictal before but it was a gray time for me and I was so numbed I can't recall anything from it. So, do the memory issues get better or is this something I'll contend with for awhile? Does an antidepressant help those issues? I'm so confused and lost right now. I've only been on this for a week. Lol
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self.bipolar
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I don’t know where I belong, but I wouldn’t care as long as I’m with him. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Just saw a drug commercial that said, "Who wouldn't want to live longer?" I think that would be awful rn.
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self.depression
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I tried to speak with someone but they don't believe me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm tired of being alone, I give up, I failed, I'm done. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Breathing or calming tips when having a panic attack? I'm currently sitting in our small bathroom, scared to go out because I heard a door make a noise or creek or something. I don't have any ideas how to deal with my Panik attacks (except from writing or texting, helps a little bit) and I would like to hear your tips, like breathing or just other things.
I'll probably be sitting here for a while so I appreciate every comment!
Edit: finally made it back into my room after sitting downstairs for a total of 1 hour...
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self.Anxiety
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Is it worth being alive if it’s only for my family [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just had the worst day I can remember I’m 19, live with my family and am going to college. Woke up to a huge argument with my siblings that ended with me having to do the dishes, which had been piling up for three days because my sister didn’t do them but also couldn’t do them because she had work. Took a shower because I had work later in the day. Realized in the shower how lonely I am and that if things keep going the way they are I’ll be completely alone by the time I’m 25. Didn’t have the time to cry. Got out and started doing the dishes. Did them until I had to leave(about 2 hours, I’m in a big family, lots of dishes), but I wasn’t finished so my dad yelled at me. Got to work and was told I look “beat up”. Still at work, having to smile at everyone who comes in. Dad just texted I’m gonna have to finish the dishes when I get home, probably another two hours
I just hate everything about my life right now. Thanks if anyone read this, I just needed to vent
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self.depression
|
They Think They Have It So Bad... Every one of my "friends" are self centered, selfish, arrogant jerks. They want constant attention, they need validation and pity wherever they turn.
Because I'm a personal, reserved person, and because I hate showing weakness, I'm suddenly their go-to when they're feeling down in the dumps and want to disclose their woes.
"My mom hates me because I'm gay."
"I want to kill myself because I'm ugly."
"My grandfather watched my grandmother die in his arms and now he's traumatized and I have to pay the price."
"I can't come out to my family and I feel like they hate me."
"Nobody likes me so I want to cut myself."
I hear it all. I hear all of them. And I'm fucking sick of it. Because I'm not allowed to talk. I'm not allowed to be weak. I'm not allowed to say anything. They think they have it so fucking bad.
They don't have shit.
They weren't living with an emotionally abusive mother who would insult and call me slurs only to then play the victim. They didn't have to watch their father cheat on their mother constantly and take all our fucking money to throw at a few chicks he wanted to fuck. They didn't have to live with a dad who would come home drunk and literally punch in my bedroom door if I wasn't asleep. They don't have to live with hating their body for no fucking reason simply because their brain says to. They don't understand what it's like to be in a constant state of anxiety and depression where every interaction feels like being your heart's going to leap into your throat and choke you and every time you speak you wonder if the people around you secretly hate you. They didn't have to live with fifteen years of constant bullying. They won't understand what it's like to have literally no friends until college, and watching people pretend to befriend you only to lie and make you believe them and make you care and then stab you in the fucking back by saying it was all a fucking joke. They can't comprehend what it's like to have people talk shit about you using codenames and sneaky little fucking aliases so they can talk about you and insult you when you're standing right in front of them. They will never understand what it's like to watch their parents struggle for money and struggle to feed their kids. They will never know what it's like to watch their brother devolve into drugs and partying and never knowing if he's alive or dead and just waiting for the phone call saying they found his body in a ditch. They will never get what it's like to be the cause of your baby sister's death, and having fucking PTSD bullshit to deal with in the aftermath.
I hate all of them. I hate them. I hate them because they just don't see me. They don't see that I'm deteriorating from the inside out. They don't see that my smile is fake. They don't see anything...they don't even care.
Does anyone even care about anyone, really? Does anyone actually give a shit about someone else simply because they care? Because in my experience that's a no. In my experience people only pretend to care to get something out of it.
Nobody cares. And that makes me so mad. Nobody actually gives a shit about anyone. And I'm the exact same way - I don't care about them or their problems. I couldn't care less...
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self.offmychest
|
I just got the balls to start downvoting, and damn is it liberating! I'm usually too nice of a dude to the point where I'm scared an anonymous downvote to a stranger might offend them. There is so much garbage on here and I'm downvoting all of it!
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self.offmychest
|
Debilitating Anxiety I can't cope with the amount of anxiety I wake up with on a daily basis because of my emotionally abusive dad. It's a constant ache in me being afraid of him and it's causing me to sink even lower than I ever imagined possible. I hate myself. I just needed to express that to get myself through this day.
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self.Anxiety
|
Hey all i need help and advice badly. is 2mg of risperidone powerful or not powerful? Hey All I Need Help And Advice Badly. Is 2mg Of Risperidone Powerful Or Not Powerful?
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self.bipolar
|
My sister is going to prison and I'm having a hard time coping with it. This whole thing flipped my family's lives upside down. This wasn't something we would ever have expected to happen in our family. And to my sister? No way. Never. If someone asked me to rank my siblings from most to least likely to go to prison, she would be at the bottom.
At first when I found out she had been arrested, I walked around in a haze for a solid week. Everything felt so surreal. Eventually school started and I had that to focus on. I was able to pretend nothing was wrong while the case was moving forward. These things take a while, right?
Obviously not as long as I thought.
She met with her lawyer recently and he told her what her options were and I believe she's going to take the plea deal.
I'm currently in college, and since hearing this all of my motivation for school work has gone down the drain. I don't know what to do to try to feel better. My school work is suffering. It usually does this time of the quarter, but now moreso than ever. I've gotten extensions on a few assignments, and I don't think I will be able to get any more. I feel kind of ridiculous for letting this affect my schoolwork so much.
I don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
|
Is trouble concentrating normal? I'm currently on Lithium. I work at a job where I have to read academic papers and do some research to write text books for a school.
Sometimes it's a real struggle. First hour in the morning, after I've had my coffee, I find that I'm very motivated to work and I have no issues understanding concepts. But after an hour or so my mind starts going blank. The typical reading a sentence over and over again, or staring at the screen while my mind is somewhere else. It's not only because the subject is complicated because it also happens with things I'm actually interested in (eg: open a lot of tabs, and then I can't be bothered to read them).
I can't remember if this happened before Lithium. When I was depressed I obviously didn't care about anything so I didn't concentrate. And when I was hypomanic I would be all over the place and get distracted very easily. I can't remember how it was like when I was "normal" since it barely ever happened, and I've been having bipolar symptoms for over 2 years.
I've read that bipolar can cause cognitive and memory-related problems, but I thought Lithium was supposed to fix this. So is this still the bipolar affecting me even when I'm stable, or is it Lithium? I'd drink more coffee, but my pdoc says 1 cup per day max.
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self.bipolar
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I saw a news article and I can't stop obsessing over it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Fun work time rant Hey all, been lurking on this sub for a few months now and everyone seems so supportive and lovely and awesome so I figured venting would probably be a better idea than my original course of action consisting of not sleeping and crying. Fun times in the life of me.
Alrighty, so depression is great, especially when it interferes heavily with your work life. I'm essentially alone in the store that I work at for 6 hours every shift which is fucking terrible. There's not much to do so of course I end up stuck in my head and of course none if it ends up being good. I'll dissociate and have really bad urges to self harm, which is terrifying. I've gotten suicidal to the point where it's like dangerously close from no longer being passive. I feel like such a fucking loser. I quit my last job because my boss was abusive, but this one is teetering on driving me to insanity. It's really stupid to be getting so worked up over this, because in five years it'll just be a memory of a really shitty college job, but I feel so worse than low, and it's like there's no way out of it, you know? It's just a job, just get over it and move on and it'll be fine, but it feels like it's tied to my self worth, like somehow I'll be seen as a lesser person because 'oh no, I'm depressed, guess I can't work.' I'm really trying with it, but there's always the thought of 'well they should've just hired someone without depression,' but it's really hard emotionally. I only just turned 20 a week ago and I'm still trying to figure out all the fun growing up adulthood stuff while balancing college and working, but holy shit this feels like drowning but it's entirely my fault and unless I somehow manage to power through and pretend like all my thoughts don't exist, it'll only get worse before it gets better.
I feel like such a fucking failure. I can't even do a simple stupid job right and I'm beyond frustrated with myself. There are way stressful jobs out there and people in situations way worse than mine, and it's really not that bad, but fuck I really can't help but feel like I brought all this upon myself. I fucking hate myself because I can't do a simple job. I've texted my manager four times in the last three hours, all novel length messages, and I really don't know what to do. I know if I have to go back there and do another shift alone, I'll end up being self destructive. I'm making it sound like I'm just sick because I don't think she'll take kindly to me explaining in detail why I'm grateful for employment but I'm a depressed piece of shit adult child who needs constant validation and hand holding and therefore should get fired from every possible job I ever apply for even if I don't get hired. I sound irrational and annoying as fuck but yeah I'm terrified of tomorrow and I really don't know what else to do.
Is it ever going to be okay??????? ://
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self.depression
|
just wanted to say sorry i thought i’d write this for someone since i won’t see them again
hey i know you browse reddit a lot so if you find this beforehand i’m sorry
thanks for being with me for the past while, even though i’ve only known you for a little bit you’re already one of the raddest people i know
i’m sorry for being annoying and being a burden. i know you’re too nonconfrontational to say anything like that so i thought i’d just say it for you.
i’m sorry i couldn’t do as well as my friends in anything, i’m sorry i couldn’t make up for it any way
i’m sorry you ever believed in me and i’m sorry you got your hopes up
i’m sorry i kept bothering you, i did it because i wanted to get away from my depression for a little bit
thank you
please keep being kind
i’m sorry, it really wasn’t your fault, i’m sorry for ever existing in the first place
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I am going to kill myself. I tell myself this every year. But I am fed up with living every day. I don't want to get out of bed, I just want to die. I hate my home I hate my family and I hate my life. I have tried to kill myself ever since I was 5, I was not meant to be in this world. I am very sick as well, and hate being sick. I had a fun New Years up until I got home. It's 3:02 and I'm disappointed with myself again. I've been to therapy and a psychiatrist but nothing works. I have a job already but I lack the skills to talk to others, I try and have improved a lot but other times I always feel like they're talking bad about me. I work hard but I never think it's hard enough. I think I'll have to get three jobs soon due to starting college and I honestly don't want to be 30 or 40 still having to pay student loans. I think I am going to kill myself this year. I made a post on here similar to this but ended up not doing it because I couldn't leave my friend alone. But now we barley talk.
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self.depression
|
Terrible anxiety even online Hi everyone. I don't know where else to post this but I've wanted to talk about this for a while.
Like in real life, I can barely talk to people online. It doesn't matter that it's basically anonymous, I can't do it.
For example, whenever I want to post on Reddit I make a new account and spend a long time rewriting and hesitating over my posts and comments. When I get replies on posts I'll feel scared and unwilling to check the replies. My heart will beat faster than it should. This especially sucks because some subs I want to post on require a minimum amount of karma which I never have. I hate how much I'm missing out on because I can't even manage to post anonymous comments online. I can only lurk on sites I like.
I'm bothered by this because I see others with anxiety expressing how grateful they are the internet exists. Lots of people with anxiety are active online and seem to have no problems unlike in real life. I don't experience that. For me it's just as hard as real life conversation.
I just feel really pathetic for this. Anyone else maybe?
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self.Anxiety
|
I hate being an Arab and having a Muslim name I'm not Muslim. In fact, I'm not religious in any shape or way. I drink, I eat pork, I have sex. But I hate the fact that I have a Muslim/Arabic name, especially during a time where Muslims are seen as terrorists everywhere. I feel like having a common Muslim name puts me at a disadvantage in trying to apply for internships (which is what I'm doing at the moment) anywhere besides the Middle East. I'm currently studying for my Master's degree in France, and one professor pointed out that I'm at a disadvantage because of my name, which I took with a grain of salt, but I think that he's not *completely* wrong.
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else struggle to watch movies and tv? Over the years, depression has taken almost everything from me as I have gradually become less of a healthy person. I would like to be a person who finds interests in everything, and yet, when I look inside I see apathy and emptiness; lacking interests in everything. It's gotten so bad that I can't even watch TV anymore. I can't thoroughly explain it, but I'm just bored and it's a chore to watch anything for more than a few minutes. As if I think I should be doing something better with my time, but all I do is just lay around in bed all day staring at the ceiling and wondering why I'm still alive (and not suicidal). Does anyone else struggle to watch tv? I miss the distraction it used to offer... now the days are so miserably and infinitely long :(
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self.depression
|
Accidentally took Tylenol Cold and Flu while on Zoloft. Should I be worried? I felt like crap this morning and had fever. Without giving it a second thought, I popped a dose of Tylenol Cold and Flu. I did some googling after I started to feel better when it occurred to me that it might effect how the Zoloft felt and was surprised to see that it was listed as an interaction.
Anyone else ever do this? Is it really a big deal?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I don't think I'm going to make it through winter break I’ve been depressed for about two years now. And I guess in a way I always fought it rather than try to deal with it. I always ran from this giant monster. Well after events that happened recently I kinda just let it take over and take control of my life. I had no will to stop it. My therapist who I can’t see anymore because it was like a trial thing at my college says that me letting it take over is like me allowing myself to talk about my emotions and feelings now. Well now it is winter break and I have no therapist or anybody to talk to. Every morning I wake up feeling like crap. And that feelings just gets worse as the day progresses. Feeling like crap doesn’t do how I feel justice though. It’s more than that but I can’t explain it. It’s anger, sadness, regret and just a feeling of worthlessness all mixed together sitting in my stomach and it spreads throughout my body. And what makes it worse is that I have to put on the act that im okay for all my friends because everybody comes to me for help. But yet when I tell them im struggling they practically ignore me. I can’t tell my parents because my mom doesn’t believe in depression and my dad will try to fix me himself. My therapist said me playing video games and having a problem with porn aren’t things that are wrong with me but they are my coping methods. I don't hate myself for doing them anymore but I don’t want to do either anymore but have nonstop since I came home. It numbs my brain so I don't have to think about anything. I have nowhere to turn. And I think about killing myself a lot. I don’t have a plan and I won’t make one either. I don’t want to die. I say a lot of self deprecating things a lot, similar to bullying myself. It feels like each day I fall deeper and deeper down this dark dark hole. It feels like I'm gonna go crazy or do something I'm going to regret. I have 0 motivation to do anything and the worst part is I can't cry. I've cried once since this has all started because I don't know how. And when I cried I had nobody. I have never felt so alone in my life then I did in that moment, and I still feel that alone now. I was always told to hide my emotions and now I feel worse than a volcano. I feel like an expanding balloon and I'm made my self expand for so long and on the inside I'm screaming, I feel like death I want to bang my head against a wall and tear down everything around me and just lay on the ground and die. I really just can't do this.
|
self.depression
|
Why am I so emotionally unbalanced Me and my girlfiend have been together for 3 years. We have a 1 year old son. We fight and bicker about stupid stuff. And today ive just been an emotional wreck.
I want to change and be a better man to her. I want to do more than any other guy would for her. I just have this random feeling like im loosing her from my life...
Shes not acting distant or anything.
Im just paranoid.
Like always...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can therapists limit gun access? Told her i thought of killing myself w a gun a while back and now im pretty sure that if i try to get a gun i'll fail the background check. Am i fucked or what
|
self.depression
|
Guilt is Overwhelming I've always been a good student because I was obsessed with good grades and getting into a good college. Yet now I cannot get myself to do anything with the lazy excuses of 'I'm just gonna die anyway, what's the point in trying' and 'Let's just sleep.' It's almost the end of the semester and I have almost straight B's with the exception of math, which I'm almost failing in (70%).
I honestly don't know what I'm asking for, but I've just felt guilty so long because all I see are my grades going down lower and lower. I want to be that good student again; I want to be a better daughter; I don't want to be just some dramatic teenager who blames her grades on her mental illness.
But I can't. I don't know why but I just can't. I can't get myself to seek help from my family, friends, or teacher because I don't want them to know. Every time I sit down to do homework/study my thoughts of suicide get louder and I start to fantasize about killing myself. So for this entire school year, I just spent time reading for fun or watching videos to distract myself from those thoughts.
I've tried to kill myself twice in the past, but I was stupid and pathetic for I stopped before I could do any real damage. Again thank you for reading this; I honestly just have no idea anymore, and I'm scared that this behavior will get worse and worse until I actually, finally kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Venting Lieing is an enjoyable poison. It consumes me and distorts my mind. Like a dark hand on a steering wheel, it controls me and picks the path i travel. The dark hand that controls from behind the scene. It creates masks for me to hide behind, leaving me to not know my true self. It causes me to be left in the past with regrets on my choices. Like a painting always being repainted or re touched, i have lost my original view.
Though some will call that experience, i call it a cross. Those choices are weights on my back putting me down, making me judge my self and question my being. Yet they pull me up like a puppet on strings. Dancing only to these lies, to these false truths so thin that when they are cut, i will fall.
If i fall i fear for what happen. Will i make more lies to control me again? Will i play to these tunes of joy and merriment. Being like Pinocchio only wanting to fit, yet no matter the imitation i am still my self a puppet on stings
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self.depression
|
Do you just feel like talking about your depression but afraid that they won’t take you seriously? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Scared- Losing Time Hello, I have a long history of disassociation and psychosis going hand in hand. I’m having episodes where I don’t know what happened for a few minutes at a time or more.
This last happened about 5 years ago. It lead to a terrible episode of disassociation, violent outburst, and involuntary commitment.
I don’t know if I’m sleeping or disassociated during these episodes. I don’t register them until it’s pointed out and I can’t recall. This cause a very upsetting set of episodes at work.
I’m scared I’ll do this while driving. I’m scared that it’s some kind of absence seizure or narcolepsy. I’m scared I’m losing my mind. I’m a week into a medication change and I desperately don’t want to go back to old Meds.
Anyone have this sort of thing with bipolar? Contacted psych. Don’t know what to do for next steps.
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self.bipolar
|
First time I think about it. Don't have anyone I can tell this stuff; I just can't take it anymore. I always thought I'd never have suicidal thoughts mainly because I thought I had a purpose, wanted to be a great scientist, wanted to be known worldwide to reach the stars, but now it's all muddled, I know I'm too young and got barely any reasons to feel this way but just need to vent. I don't have anyone to telk this stuff to, my few friends are always mean to me, no one ever bothers to talk to me, I stopped caring about people some time ago, then I knew about reddit and these meet people subreddits, I thought I could connect with someone, that someone would actually like me back, I did like many people I met there, most of them didnt like me, either by ghosting me or by just ignoring me, I don't know, I'm not happy with any of this, I try to lift my spirits by telling myself that I'm here for a reason, but it just seems like a giant delusion.
I've struggled with OCD for some time now, I'm taking meds, that's not the issue, not anymore anyways, it's just that I tried to compensate for all of that time lost by doing stuff, learning, just living but I still feel like missing out, everything I don't have seems better, I'll probably end up deleting this, I just want someone to hear me out, don't think I've made my mind up yet, I'm still unsure of what proceeds.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
End game anxieties (Graduate school) Man, I really hope I can get my thesis finished in time to graduate this semester. I feel the same way I did during my undergraduate degree, where I take a step closer to the goal but it seems to move back two steps. But I'll keep pulling all nighters until this SoB is done!
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self.offmychest
|
Working through it We all know those days where you sit around like a useless shit because everything is just too much to do. At least, for me it is anyway. I’m working through it and coming to terms with it, but damn. Prime example, even tho it isn’t the only one, when I’m trying to go to the gym, I’ll just drive around for a few hours debating where I want to go because I don’t want to see people I know; I work for one. Or it’s the constant waking up to arguments in the morning. More than anything though, I’m just now coming to terms with how bad it is when things like this happen. And the anxiety just
S c r e a m s at me relentlessly all day, but it’s not like that outward anxiety and freaking out but it’s just silent and always there. I hope I’m not the only one who experiences this silent day to day anxiety. Please let me know how you got through it if you do. Rant over, thanks guys.
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self.Anxiety
|
I've really been trying to overcome my mental disorders but this world just seems to want me to wallow in the depths of hell. I've spent the last 5 months in intensive outpatient care for my opiate addiction stemming from rampant depression.
I've been faithfully attending meetings with mental health professionals for almost a decade now.
I've been the driving force behind my family increasing our mental health as a whole.
But yet again I let my guard down and try to find some outside outlet to develop a social life. A friend whom I've been talking to for about four months called me on Wednesday in a super frantic state due to his grandmother being found uncouncious and being rushed to the hospital. I immediately dropped all obligations of my own and stayed with him at the hospital for over 8 hours.
I provided him with food, money, cigarettes, and whatever else he needed even though I'm destitute; I figured in his situation he needed it more. When his grandmother was about to be admitted to an upstairs room and visitors were being told to leave as you cannot stay upstairs overnight we agreed he would stay at my place due to his place being about 6 miles away from the hospital while my place is only 5 blocks away. Well as we were walking to my apartment about one block away he tells me he has changed his mind and wants to go to his girlfriend's house which is 8 miles away from the hospital.
This was the first event that I went beyond being spotty friends and chose to include him in my inner circle, and he recripicated the same feelings to me. In a fury I confronted him over this, as every time we've made plans to spend an extended period of time together he has made excuses, which as we were not too close at the time I accepted.
However this struck a cord with me. After being hurt over and over again by past friends treating me as dirt I let him in my circle after spending close to half of a day consoling him and doing everything I could to comfort him. I exploded with anger, yelling and screaming at him. Shortly after this police afraid as I was too emotional to remember it was 2 30 am. As they arrived he said I wouldn't let him leave and they did not question him further and let him leave, and then proceeded to question me in my hysteria as to why I was screaming and why I was so upset. In my anger I told, and possibly screamed at them that I had been betrayed and wanted to walk the one block left to get home. This resulted in me being arrested for disorderly conduct.
The arrest was not legal for many reasons but that's not what I want to vent about here. Yet again I open myself up to try and gain friends to help with my devastating depression and yet again I've been burned. Thank goodness my mother is still around who is the only thing I care for in this world or I would've left this world within the last few nights.
Depression has driven me into a horrible state of isolation and 3very attempt to develop a healthy lifestyle leads to more problems. None of the things I've been doing to combat this disease have made me see why life is worth living. And I'm sorry if this breaks the rules, but I can't wait until my mom reaches the end of her life so I can reach the end of mine.
|
self.depression
|
I just need to rant about my family situation and how I'm almost free When I was growing up, things were pretty rough. My mom was a delusional religious hypocrite (nothing wrong with religion, mind you, just the way my mom used it) that was convinced that the world would pollute my brothers and I so we were homeschooled and generally isolated. While my older and younger brothers got along well and didn't care much for school, I was freaking miserable 24/7. I wasn't like them, rowdy and annoying, all I wanted to do was have some friends that I could talk about school stuff with, or watch movies/read books/play games with. I wanted to learn an instrument and do theatre stuff. But I never had those chances in school. My parents would always say, "next year we'll let you choose" and then get mad when next year would come and I would dare to ask about it. I remember once when my mother burst out in tears and starting wailing about how much I "hate" her because I didn't like the homeschooling.
And then, of course, they'd act like I never asked about it and should have been more assertive.
This was topped off by their constant fights, it was like every other night they were screaming, throwing shit, police were called sometimes, and you better believe my brothers and I all took a hit or two every now and then. One day when I was sixteen and had left to go to work, they had another fight and it came out that my biological father wasn't the same as the dad that raised me. Now this probably shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, but that was on top of the years of their bullshit as well as coming out in a horribly ugly way. After that night my dad just left and never came back and the next morning my mom tried pulling me aside and making herself seem like the good guy by telling me about the biological father.
I was totally crushed. At the time I was fairly active in a local church's youth group and was president of a board at a local library's teen advisory board. Of course both of those things were fun, but I always had trouble with making friends that were more than superficial due to my jealously of my peers seeing each other daily at school and having more to talk about then I could ever dream of. I more or less just stopped doing both of those things for like a month, and you know what? Not one person ever asked where I was or how I was doing. I know we were just a bunch of teens at the time but something just shattered in me when that dawned on me.
So eventually I put my foot down and said I was done with the homeschool crap. At 16 I started with a local community college and graduated with an associate's in biology at 18 with a 4.0. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to due with myself, but I was still totally miserable and thought the only way I could ever recover was to move away from there in Louisiana and head to Illinois where most of my family, including the biological father, lived. I started school up at UIUC but it was a mistake ever going there. I didn't feel better at all. Then the next thing I knew, my grandpa got cancer, and I was stuck helping him out with his drywall business for years. When I was 21 I decided to get my life back on track and start nursing school at a local community college. My grandpa lets me live in the house that he bought for my mom and two younger brothers to live in, which is great, but my mom is still a pathetic joke of a person. It's also in a crazy small village of less than 500 people. It takes almost twenty minutes to get to the nearest Walmart, and anything bigger than that like Best Buy or Target is an hour away.
So now I'm 23, and about to start the last semester of nursing school. It should be great - I'm almost, finally, free. The hospital I work at has branches in Oklahoma and my plan is to move to one of those branches. But I feel like I'm losing my damn mind. I don't know anyone around here despite living here for years - I've been of the mindset that I plan to move and cut off all ties to this place, so what's the point in making good friends outside of work or school? But at the same time I haven't gone to church in years, haven't done anything social in years, really. I want to relearn how to play piano, I want to enroll at a gym, I want to go back to church, I want to get involved at a local game shop and meet some other nerdy losers like myself, but any time I want to do something around here it's like there's a paralyzing fear in my mind. I can't describe it. It just feels like a waste of time when I plan to move, and the thought of running into my extended family members while I'm doing anything is enough to freeze me in my tracks. That's stupid because they're mostly fine, but I just know they'll say something to my mother about it and that piece of filth doesn't need to know about anything I do. I guess I'm just incredibly frustrated with my living situation - I'm grateful to my grandpa for letting me live rent-free, but with my jobless mother living here too it's like I can't get any peace. It doesn't help that she constantly willl talk aloud to no one in particular about how "tired" she is, or will randomly starting singing or baby talking to the cat or to the air. But if I go and get an apartment now I'll be stuck with a lease and that'll eat into my buffer of savings that I want to have for when I move, just in case. I'd also be leaving my 13 year old brother alone with her, which is going to have to happen eventually but I feel guilty either way.
So when I'm busy with school it's ok but man, this Christmas break has been killing me. It's not like I have anything to do but play games or post on reddit, which should be kind of fun but it all feels like a waste of time. Yet I can't sit down and try playing piano or anything without that horrible paralyzing sense of dread coming over me. The only thing keeping me going is that the "break" is almost over, the last semester is about to start, and time is going to fly by so fast. I'll be done and on my way before I know it, and although putting a social life together at almost 24 isn't going to be easy it'll be better than the nothing I have now.
anyway I have no doubt that this was just a long rant that probably is a bit hard to follow, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I feel like I should go somewhere and do something but I know it's just a waste of time and money. Damn I feel pathetic. Just one more semester.
|
self.offmychest
|
Muscle tension causing insomnia? Like alot of people here most likely experience, I have alot of muscle tension from anxiety and recently noticed when doing a technique called "guided muscle relaxation" where you tense a group of muscles then release them, that I instantly feel a noticable slight tired feeling come over me after I do this.
Like the tension is keeping me in this weird limbo state where im tired but can't feel it, and when I release the muscle tension I can feel the tiredness much more.
I find i sleep a bit better when I go out of my way to release the tension, but still wake up almost every hour or 2 hours.. Anyone else like this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like my brain is telling me to make a change - but how can I be sure? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Thanks everyone You guys have been very helpful and supportive. Goodbye
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Dealing with multiple deaths, chronic worsening anxiety attacks, and now being Iaid off as a result. I am a 32 year old man living in Florida with my ex-wife, who is one of my two closest, dearest, and only friends. I have spent much of my life being plagued by different types of panic attacks over time, from dealing with massive waves of terror that would force me to vomit out of fear at innocuous but awkward times, to more recent attacks that often leave me so terrified of the waking world itself that my body will just shut itself down and sleep for 24 hours or more, just to hide from life.
I take prescription paroxetine / Paxil because I had two or three appointments with a therapist a decade and a half ago or so, who felt I likely had some version of generalized anxiety disorder or panic disorder, and recommended it. I keep taking them because they successfully prevent my oldest types of panic attacks with a 100% success rate, and the sexual dysfunction and other side effects it causes are easily a worthwhile sacrifice. My anxiety is easily my greatest impediment in life, and I will do anything to stop it.
I also take black market pregabalin / Lyrica, as it is generally recommended as a more appropriate first line anxiolytic, but not prescribable that way in America. I also vaporize some cannabis every evening, as it helps calm and relax me. Together, I call this combination my Holy Trinity, and it generally allows me to live a healthy and functional life, except whenever tragedies or crises occur.
My modern troubles started back in 2014. My dad had just retired in January, and he and my mom were looking forward to a long and nice retirement together. But less than half a year later, he started having issues controlling his arm, combined with mild seizures, and he ended up being diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. That hard news, combined with the raw unfairness of the situation, just tore me to pieces. I started having my most extreme attacks, shutting down and becoming unable to leave my bed or house for up to a week. I was able to apologize my way through my first one or two weeks I ever took off from work without warning due to sudden attacks, but after the third time, I was fired. I was already falling apart because of my dad's situation, and now just three months later I was unemployed as well. I felt like utter shit, and became suicidal for the first time in my life. I prepared my method, but stopped not because I was scared of death (because I'm genuinely not), but because the thought of hurting my loved ones burned too greatly. I decided that I would withdraw from my retirement savings to support myself and my ex-wife (and my other best friend who lived with us) while I took time to rest and recover and try to to reduce my stress buildup, especially as employment itself is generally my largest source of anxiety by a large degree. This decision helped me calm down away from being suicidal.
Ironically, my dad would actually end up doing rather well for his initial prognosis. His chemo and tumor surgery were surprisingly successful, and he was able to live for several years with only a dud left arm and occasional controllable seizures. He ended up doing much better than me, so I kept the embarrassment of my unemployment a secret from him for years, painfully lying to him so that he wouldn't learn about what his health had done to me.
Fast forward to 2017. I had expended nearly all of my savings, and I was starting to tap into my credit cards, so I started looking for a job. Amazingly, I was able to get a nice seeming job in less than two months. I felt it was finally time for my life to turn around again.
In August, my other best friend was killed as a victim in a car accident. I have a gentle heart to go along with my anxiety, so I just wasn't ready to lose her like that at all. I tried to hold things together afterwards by distracting myself and maximizing my dosage of pregabalin, but I was hit at nearly the same time by a project change at work that involved giving me a role I had no interest or training in. All of the combined anxieties were too much, and eventually I shut down for days again. I apologized at work, explained my condition to my lead, and was forgiven.
Then I went to visit my family for Christmas. The very day I arrived, my grandmother died. My dad's mom. I was devastated, not expecting that. I don't even know how badly my dad was hit, though, since he is now already at death's door. His condition collapsed in the last year, taking out his limbs one by one and confining him first to a wheelchair, and then to a bed. When I had seen him one month prior, he still seemed mentally awake and interested. Now he was sleeping constantly, and barely sensible when awake. His wonderful hospice nurses say he likely has less than a month or two at this point, and that he is just preparing to die now. My brother and I tried to have the best final words we could with him, before we left.
I was dealing with a second death now, in addition to my father's impending death. I was still massively anxious and uncomfortable with my role at work. So I had more attacks last week, and failed to attend work for the week. Today I was informed by my boss that he was exceedingly apologetic and sympathetic to my situation, but that they had to let me go.
Everything has just piled up so high. And my dad will finally die for real, in just weeks. I have no goddamn idea how I am going to make it through that sane. I am suicidal now for the second time. My family's health situation will only ever get worse. My financial situation is much worse than the last time, since I haven't had nearly any time to save up enough. And even if I did got a job again... Well, probability seems to suggest I would eventually inevitably lose it as well.
So now I am keeping my unemployment and mental state a secret again. I can't tell my remaining family that I am suicidal, when they are already experiencing major grief. And since I fully care for and provide for my ex-wife, due to her being mentally and physically ill, I won't tell her my condition and upset her by letting her know how perilous her own situation is. Nor can I bring myself to let her know how I have failed both of us as a provider, again.
I don't know what the hell to do.
All I can think of at this point is therapy. I know that I need real professional help despite my own personal ideological dependence on pharmaceuticals. But I don't know how to find a genuinely good therapist who specializes in severe anxiety and grief in the Orange county, Florida region, who can handle weird people with weird home family situations and who is fine with LGBT issues. And who is even financially reasonable, now that I've lost the source of the money I needed for paying for therapy.
I don't even know if I should search for a new job when I am still a collapsing mess. Especially if I'm likely to collapse even worse when my dad dies and I have to deal with my third close death in less than half a year. Or should I still go jobhunting, simply out of a financial need to survive? Should I instead try to use loans of some sort to afford some sort of additional rest time while I attend therapy and wait for my dad so I can soak the pain of the event and overcome it first?
I am just despairing over my inescapable life-destroying attacks and my repeated failures to my family, as a provider. I figure that if my dad dies and I break too badly, or if I run out of money, those would likely be the triggers that finally push me over the edge.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What is the reason to keep waking up every morning?? Judging from the experience of last 23 years of my miserable life i realise that im stuck in endless loop of social anxiety, loneliness, poverty and depression. For the first time i really feel myself as close to the dangerous line as it possible and i dont know what can i do about it. Thanks for your attention.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just kicked ass in a programming interview
I've been in a comfortable job in a good company for some time, but I've been looking around at moving (possibly moving-to-another-continent moving), and though the job I was interested in was within the company which doesn't require interviews, the team I was joining is very picky (there is competition for ML positions).
After the first interview (mostly quiz/conceptual CS/stats/maths questions), which I was slightly shakey on (forgot some basic linear algebra), I still got a second interview (live programming).
I was really nervous about this - I'm generally very confident in my abilities, but it's been about 7 years since I've had to "test" it. As a result, I was very nervous about this interview.
**Warning: programmer stuff ahead.**
We started in, they gave the problem, I thought about it, told the interviewer that there was a silly naive way of doing it, described it, but we weren't going to do that. I fairly quickly immediately came up with a solution that both:
a) worked, and
b) was O(n) -- for a problem that naively would have been O(n^2 * m)
I then wrote a two-function simple-but-somewhat-clever c++ template solution to the problem.
This is where it gets funny: it compiled the first time.
I immediately said "Hmmm... compiling first time is suspicious, let me check the universe is sane", and introduced a syntax error - it stopped compiling.
I looked over the code for problems, saw none, and I asked where he wanted to go from here.
He said "We have a lot of time left... why don't we do some test cases?"
Internally, I'm working hard to suppress a Cheshire Cat grin.
Spent the rest of the time writing test cases to show that it worked (one very minor bug that we solved quickly, which surprised the interviewer who said "I didn't see any bugs there either.").
tl;dr; Had programming interview I was nervous about. Solved a problem designed for 25-30 minutes in about 5, and then wrote tests for the rest of the time.
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anyone have any linkable studies on why mania allows you to not eat for so long without blood sugar issues? Does mania actually change insulin release? I've always wondered why I can go so long without passing out when manic but when I'm not manic I have to eat or I get shaky and light headed and my blood sugar drops. Does mania somehow have physical advantageous effects?
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self.bipolar
|
Can suicide be rational? Hello r/depression.
I've been struggeling a lot lately. I don't know how to put it in words really. Every thought I have, every action I take, everything has this bitter taste to it. It is like "You wouldn't need to do this right now if you were dead". Even if a task is not exhausting but just slightly unpleasant. Following by this thought is most of the time something like "It really does not matter when you die. There is nothing after death so nothing matters after you just let everything go and pass away". I don't know how I should react to these toughts. For me its totally rational, as atheist I don't believe in an afterlife but just plain nothingness after death. So why shouldn't I kill myself?
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self.depression
|
I've really hit a new low I cannot believe how depressed I am right now, I am just imploding. I got fired from yet another job for being incompetent as usual. Usually I'm pretty good at bouncing back but this job just broke something inside me. I'm a damn failure. Three attempts at college. Flunked out after the first year. That's ok, college isn't for everyone. Try a bunch of min wage jobs. Get fired or quit with in the first month or two. I can't do damn thing.
I have no motivation to do anything at all anymore. I used to clock around 3-4 hours a day gaming because it was something I genuinely enjoyed. I've gotten 30 minutes in an entire damn week. I literally just can't muster the strength to want to do it. I've been pulling away from people because it's just exhausting to talk to them. I literally just get tired after five minutes of conversation. It's insane. We'll barely be through the how's your day been going before I already want to go somewhere else because it's so draining.
I've hit a complete rock wall in therapy. I tell my therapist nearly all of this shit and she helps me as best she can but there's only so much she's able to do. She has no magic way of instilling me with motivation. Like... to put it into perspective. I stared at a wall for 2 hours today. Because I just was to tired to anything else. 2 hours! I wasn't thinking about anything. I wasn't being bored. I just don't have motivation to do anything!
But what's worse is the moment I start thinking again is the moment all the sadness washes over me. It's like I'm in the middle of a vast, dark ocean and can't find shore. I swim and I swim and I swim but salvation is just nowhere to be seen. And I'm beginning to grow tired.
I have no future ahead of me. Nothing to look forward too. I go through thousands of career tests and applications and all I see is that I'm either not interested enough or not good enough for any career. And I can't simply work for money. Money in and of itself just isn't good enough for me to work at a job I hate or am completely uninterested in. That's the strain of these minimum wage jobs, some of them I've had to quit because they've literally made me suicidal.
I'm so lost right now. The world looks like a very dark place where I have to suffer in agony just to get by. I'm so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of trying. I'm just. So. Tired. It has been a very long time since I've been this low. I feel like I'm doomed. Like this is all the happiness I'll ever be afforded. That even if I get the job of my dreams and all the money I could possibly want, I will always have a big, dark cloud hanging over my head.
Everything hurts and I hate everything about life right now. I wish I could just fall asleep and stay in my dreams.
|
self.depression
|
Can you get PTSD from a suicide attempt? More specifically, if you've lived a very lonely life and feel like you're at an all-time low where you feel your friends don't care about you and you're just a burden, and you almost kill yourself which results in those friends abandoning you altogether, and you continue to live your life afraid not only that you'll attempt suicide again but afraid that those friends are now your enemies and will do bad things to you, is it possible to get legitimate PTSD from all of that? Or is it considered illegitimate tumblr-esque "PTSD" because it's something that person did to themselves and could've avoided? If that person claims to have PTSD, will they be shunned by "actual" PTSD sufferers like rape victims and war veterans? Even if that person is showing the same PTSD-related symptoms as those people?
This did not happen to me and it will not happen to me. I'm just wondering.
EDIT: I'm not agreeing with people who engage in this type of pissing contest, if anybody's wondering. I'm just wondering if medically speaking, this type of PTSD is less legitimate.
|
self.depression
|
Will this wish ever go away? Will I ever be normal? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Therapist laughed. I feel weird about it. My therapist asked me about my first kiss. I told the story of when a 30-something tried to kiss me after buying me alcohol and complaining to me about how she doesn't like to watch porn with her husband. I was 15 at the time. Now I'm approaching my 30s.
The story goes that she wrapped her arms around me, gazed into my eyes, leaned in to kiss me, i turned away, she planted a slobbery kiss on the corner of my mouth, her husband walked in, caught us and threatened to kill me.
My therapist immediately began laughing loudly, and her laughter continued for about a minute. I joined her in the laughter, not yet aware of how disturbing this story is, as I haven't told it to anyone.
Then she abruptly changed the subject to something superficial.
This was one incident among many like this in my adolescence.
Hours after the session, I felt highly depressed and "gross" inside. The session was a few days ago. I now feel physically sick, and depressed.
Not sure what im asking for exactly, but maybe advice, validation, or empathy.
|
self.offmychest
|
Anosognosia: Lack of insight I've been on a mental health documentary kick lately, watching all I can on a variety of mental illnesses, ever since my diagnosis. Shit, my mood is elevated writing this right now and I've had a few thoughts of grandeur linked to making this post.
Anyway. Another person asked if it's normal to feel like their mental illness isn't real...and that's a feeling I had very very keenly, especially in my early diagnosis, and still to a degree when I cycle. There's a term for it: [Anosognosia](http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/key-issues/anosognosia).
In English, and from the above link: ""Anosognosia, also called "lack of insight," is a symptom of severe mental illness experienced by some that impairs a person’s ability to understand and perceive his or her illness. It is the single largest reason why people with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder refuse medications or do not seek treatment. Without awareness of the illness, refusing treatment appears rational, no matter how clear the need for treatment might be to others.
Approximately 50% of individuals with schizophrenia and 40% with bipolar disorder have symptoms of anosognosia."
Knowing about this really changed my perspective on my own perspective, as it were, because my...not knowing or understanding actually makes sense from a clinical perspective. It's very sad to me. But it's "normal" for this disorder, to have this kind of lack of self awareness or insight.
Knowing is half the battle...and not knowing that you don't know and why you don't know is a very confusing place to be. Hopefully this helps a few folks gain a little bit of insight that was lost due to this disorder.
[Further reading, references included.](http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/key-issues/anosognosia/3628-serious-mental-illness-and-anosognosia)
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm lost I've been using alot of drugs, been off my meds for a couple days now. Using coke dope weed pills if I could. Beer and liqour. And I'm pushing my family away half the time i wanna die. I have no savings behind by 2 grand in bills but I just want to say fuck it. Get a bunch of pills and do it in. But I have a 4month boy and 5 yo girl. I really don't know what I want but I really just want to be happy. I don't know what's wrong with me....
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm 36yo (poor) wf and I just realized we have an unspoken caste system in the south. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I️ get anxiety over a lot of different types of things but the worst is not being able to deal with the state of this shitty world Something bad happens like the death of net neutrality or some bad news about climate change or something and I️ Cannot Stop My Brain from thinking about the absolute worst future that might be in store. Every single day I’m thinking about this stuff all day. It’s so hard to stop because I️ know I️ have such little power in determining what’s going to happen next in this world. And also the fact that they’re not silly things. I️ can get mad at myself for not going out because I’m afraid my friends don’t like me anymore, I️ can tell myself that’s irrational. But it’s scary that it’s perfectly normal to be afraid of the things going on in the world because they ARE scary. There’s always something to worry about.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How to fall asleep Hi, Everyone! I only had 2 hours of sleep for the past two days and my body is starting to get tired and painful. My eyes are red and my lips are so dry.
When I try to sleep, Panic attack kicks in almost instantly. I need help. I'm too shy to see a Doctor because of my family culture.
Love you all.
|
self.Anxiety
|
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