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My cat just died about 5 mins ago He ran in to our house all of a sudden and then hid under the chair. I lifted the chair and he's breathing very hard and in shock (eyes wide open). No open wound or anything. Few seconds later he coughed blood. Changed position for a bit, and then coughed blood again. And then he didn't move. No more breaths. He died. I'm not sure what happened but I think he might've been hit by a vehilce, poisoned, or hit by a blunt object by someone very painfully but in a way it won't make any apparent injury.
He was such a loving cat and very clingy. Always used to wake me up in the morning and sometimes even gets on my lap, and the on the monitor while I am playing on my PC.
I can't believe I am saying this now but rest in peace.
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self.offmychest
|
Why ending it so easy I've had depression for as long a I can remember. The thought of killing myself has crossed my mind, but I have never thought about why the idea of it is so appealing. Sure it's an end to all of my hardships and struggles, but it's also the only thing I have complete control over. Suicide isn't an answer to a temporary problem, if the problem is reoccurring. I've been so oblivious in life and just mindlessly pushed through it every time it came back, just as my parents raised me to. But for the first time ever in my life, I am able to admit how fucking miserable I am.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A dad came in to our school for a short speech and said, "Whenever you don't want to get out of your bed because you hate your life, just know that my son has cancer" I don't know why but it's rubbing me the wrong way.
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self.depression
|
Has anyone else flunked out? How do you deal with not being in school. [X-posted to r/ADHD] I got all Fs last semester. I just didn't turn in any work. I was totally paralyzed. I've felt like shit about it for months, but I was able to kind of 'forget' about it. But today, I found out I'm essentially suspended from school, and will have to reapply. This is worse than what I thought would happen, I won't lie, but it's my bed, and I'm lying in it.
Anyways, I'm looking for advice on how to just live in the day-to-day. First: How do I tell my friends? Second: How do I deal with the blow to my self-image? Third: What the fuck happens now?
Thanks for any words.
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self.depression
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I shouldn't be alone, i'm too good as human being [deleted]
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self.depression
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Got up the courage to go to the OBGYN and the nurse was shocked at my weight gain Sorry for the rant, I felt embarrassed talking to anyone I know about this but I wanted to get it out.
I finally got up the courage to make my annual OBGYN appointment a couple weeks ago after putting it off for months. Going to the doctor makes me really anxious and I spent the last week worrying about it. I finally went and the nurse took my history down and everything and was very nice to I started to relax. She took my weight(160 lbs) and then when she was putting it in the system she said "Wait this can't be right". I said "no it's right". She said "Then they must have put your weight in the computer wrong a year and a half ago because it says you were 117". Again I said, "No, that's right." "Oh my gosh, what happened??" I turned bright red and explained that I had gone on birth control which made me gain weight, then after I got off of BC I went on SSRIs which made me gain even more weight, and that I've already lost 10 pounds in the last couple months. I don't know why I even bothered trying to explain it, I already know I'm fat and need to lose weight and I even went to the gym twice this week. Now I just want to go home and crawl in a ball and not go back out in public until I've lost all the weight, which probably won't happen anyway. Fuck me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Hi. New here. My father has depression. I've taken medication for it in the past. Could my 'depression' be "nurture" rather than "nature"? Has my brain learned this mentality, or is it genetic? Do we know this?
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self.depression
|
Why does coffee trigger my anxiety but not coca cola? They almost have the same caffeine content, a can of coke has like 32mg of caffeine while a cup of coffee has 40.
But coffee makes me tense and anxious, to the point where I sweat. I have to be very careful about when I drink it, although this has increased more over time.
Pop doesn't really affect me much accept for making me a bit more energized.
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self.Anxiety
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I need to get out in the world and start sharpening my teeth [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Pointless. (2) Guys, this is a cry for help. I'm a new user and I came here to tell you guys my situation. I feel really trapped because I want to kill myself, but I'm afraid to hurt those who care about me (family). If I kill myself, I know very well my parents will cry over my grave and everything. Its eating me from the inside and I don't want to live anymore. Please I'm serious. I actually have a death wish and wouldn't mind not existing anymore. I'd love to erase every memory of me from other people's head. That would be a blessing. But I can't. What do I do? is there such thing as assisted suicide? Words of encouragement don't help me. I've tried. Please don't try on me anymore.
I'm afraid to tell my parents because of what their reaction might be. Maybe they'll start treating me like a mental patient? What if they don't take me seriously and/or get frustrated? My parents have high expectations from me and holy shit its too much.
I've wanted to talk to a psychiatrist for a long time but i'm afraid to tell my parents because then I'll have to come up with a valid reason without bringing up my serious depression.
Not to mention, I really want to tell them I don't believe in any religion and would prefer to be an atheist. My parents are really religious and hate others who say the opposite of what they think. But I think parents shouldn't force their children with these ideologies. I think it should be fair for the child to pick his "side" when he/she is mature enough.
What do I do reddit? I'm trapped.
I dont need support, please I'm looking for ways to open up to my parents.
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self.SuicideWatch
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fuck you fuck you fuck people fuck my parents we'll just want to you to become better honey well I don't want to get better you fucking cunts just let me die already
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self.depression
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I had to let you go because I wanted to get malasadas with you . [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Alaska Airlines tried to fuck me over today I've been visiting friends in NYC while I've been on break from medical school. Originally, my flight was scheduled for Thursday morning, but got cancelled because of Winter Storm Grayson. That's fine, I understood at the time. I call Alaska, they put me on a flight the next day at the same time, which is great.
Well that flight ALSO gets cancelled. I call Alaska again, slightly annoyed at this point, since it was one of only 6 flights out of JFK that got cancelled on Friday. They put me on another Friday flight out of JFK, after I stress the importance of me getting out of NYC as soon as possible because I have mandatory classes on Monday. But when I go and put in my confirmation code, the Alaska website wouldn't let me check in.
I mess around with it a bit until I realize that the dumbass customer service rep booked the flight not for Jan 5th, but for FEBRUARY 5th. So I almost showed up at the airport at 5AM for a flight that wasn't for another month.
I called them, understandably pissed, and they refunded me and gave me miles (small comfort), but I had to book passage on a flight on a different airline that has put me out $1000 because of the extremely short notice. The whole experience put a real damper on my last real break from school (my school has no summer break and we start clinical rotations after taking boards next winter). I am unbelievably disappointed.
Fuck Alaska Airlines.
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self.offmychest
|
Teenager asking for some advice on belonging? I really don't feel connected to anyone anymore. I'm 17, almost 18. First there was the divorce, then I moved, lost my friends... I feel like an alien, is all. I can't identify with the kids I helped to raise - The niece I read to sleep, every night, as soon as I learned to read. I've seen my big brother for the first time in years and I can't identify with him either.
I live in the suburbs, and people just don't *talk* to one another. It's one thing to be alone. It's Hell to be alone while you're surrounded by others.
How do you fix this?
I want to be a medic in the Army or a Corpsman in the Navy... I wouldn't say I'm suicidal or something, but what's the point of going if life is just like this? When will it change?
Thank you.
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self.offmychest
|
Resorting to narcotics before i kill myself I've struggled with depression for a few years amd gone through eating disorders and self harm addiction amd suicidal thoughts but its just become too much recently. I decided im going to resort to just weed at first but if that doesn't work try something harder until it either works or i od and die but if nothing ends up working ill probably end up killing myself.
Posted on r/depression posting it here too
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m really scared and confused of my sexuality. Throwaway for obvious reasons. Female with very conservative Asian parents, and a father with a burning hatred for the LGBTQ+ community. Scared of elaborating, but I’ve had a bad cold going for two weeks and I just woke up from a very. Graphic. Wet dream with a cute girl. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. I’m afraid it won’t be the last.
I’ve fallen in love with both males and females over the course of my life. I’ve never been able to understand the concept of falling in love with just one gender, because to me it’s really just the emotional connection, and why discriminate between male, female, trans etc?
But. For some reason. Like, the attraction I feel towards both genders is different? When I fall for a guy, I don’t stare at him or anything. I mean, I might have wet dreams about him, but whenever I see him I mostly just want to be his friend.
When I fall for a girl, I stare. A lot. It’s fucking creepy. I mean, I try to stop, and I have a lot of self-control so it’s not too bad, but it still feels weird to me. I get really fucking cringey and talkative when I’m near them, and I do the whole alpha male routine to try and impress them. And this one girl, when she said she thought I was cool, it was such a little comment, but for the first time on my life I felt on top of the world?
I can’t imagine a future with a girl though. I mean, I’ve never even had my first kiss and everyone around me is banging like rabbits, so who really knows what the fuck I am, right? I can’t imagine marrying a girl because I want kids, and I’m afraid my parents would never be able to love grandchildren that weren’t their own flesh and blood—and by proxy, I wouldn’t either. I mean, shit, that’s a scary thought, I love children.
Honestly, I think this whole thing is delusional and I’ll go back to being straight or whatever once I’ve actually made some friends again. It’s not as if I’ll be dating anytime soon, anyways, since I’m just recovering from a serious illness that’s spanned half my life. This is far from my biggest problem, but it’s one that I’m at least somewhat comfortable posting on the internet because it’s so general. The only reason I’m typing this is to sort my thoughts out and maybe get some advice. Knowledge is power, you know?
TL;DR: I might be gay. Or bi. Or pan. But I need to be straight for the sake of my family.
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self.offmychest
|
hypomania and paranoia in a relationship--advice? Hi! So some quick background: I have been dating my best friend for several months now, and this relationship has been one of the most fulfilling and wonderful relationships that I have ever been in. We first had a couple dates about ten months ago, but he ultimately was still getting over some other relationship issues from past partners. He decided that he'd never date anyone who wasn't 100% out (I'm bi and not fully out) and that monogamous relationships were inherently possessive. Though things didn't initially work out, it was clear he still had feelings for me.
Fast forward to August: I am out of a different relationship, and he makes a move. He explicitly offers me exactly what I wanted the whole time: a long-term, exclusive relationship. It has been incredible so far. He has known about the BP II the entire time.
This is my first episode of hypomania in our relationship, and I haven't explicitly told him, since it has been milder than usual, and I feel like meds and therapy have really helped me manage it. Anyway, what is unique about this time is an intense bout of relationship-related paranoia. I fear that he is going to feel trapped in a monogamous relationship because he secretly wants an open one, that he is going to want to open up the relationship sexually, that sex with other people is a need and not just something he has been okay with in other relationships, and that he is going to either 1. compel me to open the relationship, or worse 2. open the relationship and find someone he loves more than me.
My therapist wants me to (gently) bring up these anxieties because it seems like reassurance and definite answers are the only things that are going to ameliorate this. What do I do? How do I do it if I am going to bring up these (almost certainly unfounded but still unshakable) fears?
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self.bipolar
|
Three months into college I don't know what to do here anymore, I don't even know what the root of the problem is. College is still killing me. I was once the most liked, well-known person in my high school. And here at college I'm liked and well-known too especially by new people I'm meeting but I'm a lot more sad. I used to be so happy and upbeat and I loved people. But recently, I've become a lot more jaded, I've been lashing out, and I've had a lot of guilt and regret from that.
Some of my close friends are very loud, attention-seeking people that makes it hard to get a word in edge wise. They also don't really care about me it seems though. I'm always the one who wants to do things. They'll usually do things without me unless I prompt them that I still exist. I'm always the one to text first. I talk to a lot of people because I want to make sure everyone is okay, cause I'm not and I don't want other people to hurt. But it also hurts realizing people don't care about me, even friends. People don't think about their words and actions, myself included, but I'm trying to be more conscious of it.
I'm a shitty person though. I'm not perfect, I have my flaws but I constantly point out my close friends' flaws and immaturity at times in a sometimes very condescending manner. And I'm always alone with it. I've been very rude since I got to college, I've been smiling less and I hate that about myself. I'm trying to work to fix it but nothing is working. Nothing is working. I don't know who I am anymore. And that's probably why my friends don't ask me to do things anymore. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for many years, but never has it felt more real than now. I'm not going to do it probably, too chicken but still I just want it to end.
I've told a few friends my ordeal including my girlfriend, who went to a different university 8 hours away which makes it even harder, but I don't want to put it on them anymore. So here I am, on reddit talking about this for the first time online. I hope this isn't a bad idea.
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self.depression
|
How do I let go of my past? Growing up, I was bullied. I thought I had overcome it, but the reality is that the baggage it left me with is still with me. It affects my daily life and my relationship.
One of my bullies in particular seems to have had a particularly long lasting effect. I was 13, and this older kid would call me names, and just generally look for any opportunity to ridicule me. That was at school.
One day I ran into him in the small corner store a couple of blocks from where my grandma used to live. I remember clearly hearing his voice and just freezing. It put me on the verge of a full on anxiety attack. I turned around and left.
Today, 17 years later, after not having set foot in that store for about five years, I... well, I feel ridiculous to write this, but I had to go to that shop to get some bread, and as soon as I walked in I had these vivid memories of that day and those times. I got really anxious. Skin flushed, an almost tangible fear of standing still in any given part of the shop.
I got what I needed, and left. I left feeling embarrassed and angry at myself. Why did I have that reaction today. I’m not a bullied 13 year old kid, I’m a 30 year old woman who should have learnt long ago to let go. But I don’t know how.
How do I let go of my past? How do I get rid of that baggage?
|
self.Anxiety
|
i hurt someone and i don’t know what to do i hurt a dear friend of mine recently. i’m a girl and so is she. one day really early on in our friendship she got drunk and we had sex. i could tell the events had shaken her but today she confirmed that they have caused her intense anxiety. at the time i didn’t realize how much of a lightweight she actually was and that’s my own fault. i was sober, and she kept insisting that she was only tipsy and 100% wanted it. i was nervous about the whole situation at first but after her insisting and feeling me up i felt the best way (obviously not the best way) was to go through with it anyways.
i know i fucked up. it’s all my fault and honestly i’m not sure what’s stopping me from going down to the parking garage down the street and jumping off. i really hurt her and i hate to do that bc i genuinely care for her even if it isn’t romantic love. i dont want to cause her pain whenever she sees me and i feel so guilty idk what to do
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self.SuicideWatch
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What do i do. I am a mess. I'm overweight, i have terrible acne, I'm a failure and i am socially inept. I hate myself. I need something.
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self.depression
|
Help me brainstorm? I need to get a new job, and I feel like I don't have to explain why that is so difficult to people here. What kind of jobs do the lucky among you have that pair well with depression (both getting the job and carrying it out)? I need ideas because I'm fresh out.
Edit: If it helps, I'm an INTP, and the type of candidate that is always under or overqualified. Not a people person at all.
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self.depression
|
What do I know I'm an objectively disgusting human being. I'm smelly, sweaty, and fat.. Horridly ugly. I walk funny. Unproductive and a mooching drug addict. The world would objectively be a better place without my existence. No amount of politically correct Jedi mind trickery or Marxian moralizing could negate this reality.
I just can't stop thinking about suicide these past few months. Every. Fucking. Day. Sometimes it's an all day thing. It starts when i wake up usually. My brain actually hurts sometimes due to the sheer self-hatred. I hate how i keep using the word "sometimes" in this post.
I'm 32 and my 23 year old half brother has me beat in life accomplishments by light years. Any normal person would. Why couldn't i be born normal?
Anyway. I know it's not going to get any better, due to being biologically inferior. I hate myself more than antifa hate Trump, or Jews hate Hitler. I can't look in the mirror. I can't even make a fucking good reddit suicide post. And it's not just self pity. It is objective reality.
I'm sitting here with my fathers side of the family and it compounds my suicidal urges, seeing normal happy people enjoying themselves. I'm not jealous, except maybe of my half brother, it's more like being a self-aware roach on the wall of a museum full of beautiful art, or restaurant full of delicious smelling food.
Should i go to the hospital for this? I can't take the pain any more and need a short term fix. Are there any wars i can go to and fight in so that i might go out in a blaze of glory?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is a brain dump I did today, to help myself understand my situation. Maybe someone can relate. I'm 21 years old, and I wrote this on paper today for who knows what reason. I'm not sure why I'm sharing it, but if anyone can relate, I'd love to hear how.
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I'm stuck. I'm stuck in time because I never grew. I subconsciously froze myself and suspended my own development. I don't know how or why, it just happened, and I've realized it now. I see myself unchanged and going nowhere. I want to grow and I don't know how. I've spent years reflecting and observing, and never participating. I felt uncomfortable and out of place in participation of life, like I was going against the grain. I've always wanted to be known and loved, but I won't let myself be. My days have become a blur. Inactivity and paralysis day in and day out, they come and they go untouched. I have become an observer, and regretfully, a waiter. But I think I've always been waiting for something. Something is never really defined in my mind, and I hop from dream to dream sometimes between moments. I believe I'm unique, but I am aware of my shortcomings and I often deny them. My existence is an uncomfortable middle ground between two desires. One desire to be purely contemplative, and to only observe and think. Another desire to be a part of the system; to be powerful and controlling, and to be respected. My indecision has paralyzed me. My life from the inside looking out seems pathetic, but alone I would feel no sadness. I feel pathetic only because of how I imagine the world sees me. I can't seem to assign value to my own life. I know I have boundless contributions for the world, but I fear the people around me reacting to what I do. I'm afraid to break the constricting mould I've cast around myself, and I truly don't know if I'll be able to. I'm afraid I'll be stuck forever. As I write this alone, I feel unrestricted and my thoughts seem nebulous. I want to be watched, observed, and understood. I want to step away from my facade. I want to think freely, and I want the world around me to be intelligent. I think this is where my desires clash. I want to be free from the world, but I want to be acknowledged by it. I want to participate, but I am not designed to. I want to change, but my situation can be so sweet. Is this is a curse or a blessing?
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self.depression
|
It's been a long time since I had to come here. Are the holidays hard for you guys too? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I wonder what its like to not be depressed Like some people actually like themselves and have fulfilling lives and lots of close friends they are comfortable around... its crazy to me, like we inhabit different realities.
But seriously how awesome would it be to be one of those narcissistic assholes who honestly believe they are the greatest person ever and can do no wrong? Just to live life so self-assured and entitled must be great. I wonder why my brain adopted the opposite attitude.
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self.depression
|
Maybe this is my last year alive. (Sorry for bad English, I'm on google translate)
Hello, I’m a brazilian guy and I'll try to be short, I hate myself. I'm looking for (for the last time) a psychiatrist's help, if I do not feel I can improve and feel better with myself, I should kill myself at the end of this year.
My big problem is not my life, I have nice friends, a good family, I do the college I always dreamed of. I know it's an injustice to want to kill myself with things that many colleagues here would like so much. But my big problem is me, I really do not like myself. I will try to list (some of) the main points.
- Since childhood (8 years, I think) I already think of killing myself, I could only see negative things in life. I remember drinking a bit of perfume thinking it would kill me. I only stayed the rest of the afternoon with alcohol.
- In high school I was bully target and I just din’t know why. My colleagues made bad jokes and liked to throw small objects at me, in de middle of de class. That is almost every day, for years, I did not know how to defend myself.
- I am shy, anxious and have a little of social phobia that makes me kind of a socially awkward. I'm terrible at starting or keeping a conversation, I’m have trouble with the words.
- Even though I have friends (and let them say they like me), I feel like I can not make a strong bond with people. I watch people being so close and confident with each other
that it makes me feel alone.
- Even my friends and they've made nasty jokes that made me feel bad, and I could not tell anything. It's like I just service to be the joke.
- Many, many times, when I'm in a group of people talking and chilling out, I try to talk about something to socialize and people ignore me. The feeling I have is that people want my physical presence (as a decoration) than my company as a person.
- Most of my friends had sex while I was still a virgin (I do not even have to comment on the jokes, did I?). I lost at last year, with 22 years, with a stranger in a club. He was old and strange, I did it just spr ame and rid of that karma.
- I suffer from sexual anecdotal (I do not take pleasure in the sexual act) and anorgasmia (even ejaculating, I do not feel orgasm). I already talked about it with two doctors and I did not get any help.
- I'm gay (I think, this is still a bit confusing) and I have not told anyone about my circle of friends. Absolutely no one. I hate being gay. Not because I hate homosexuality, but because of the fear of jokes, humiliations, aggressions, violence. I will not take it. If anyone found out I would kill myself immediately.
- Even if I got good grades at school, I could not go to public colege. My mother has to pay for my veterinary college. It's not expensive like medicine, but it's not cheap. She said that it is not a problem, that she did an ecnomy for that. But I love myself feel guilty and disappoint with myself.
There are several other points, but I think the post would be too long. Now that the holidays are over I'm going to look for a new professional to help me. I did therapy for ten years, leaving when I realized all the time I lost and did not get any better. In fact, I had noticed it years ago, but I just kept it there, wanted someone to talk. I knew I would not make progress because there was still so much I did not feel comfortable to talking about (like being gay). Last year I also went to two psychiatrists. The first one left my health insurance and the second I felt I did not take myself seriously. None of the medicine that both they prescribed had any effect.
I love my mother and my sisters, I know they will suffer a lot from that. They are not to blame for anything and do not deserve it, but I'm tired of living like that. This Christmas and I made a draft of my letter of suicide. No matter how many people made me feel angry, I tried not to blame anyone. I do not want anyone carrying this karma.
That's it, if this year I do not feel any improvement, that I will continue being forever this pathetic and ridiculous creature, I will end it.
Thank you very much for your attention, I needed to unburden (despite having even more things to talk about).
Happy New Year.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Depressed becuase... well Im depressed... but also made worse by a life transition coming up. Can someone give me advice? [removed]
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self.depression
|
If it weren't for my mom i would be dead Let's start from the beginning shall we.
When i was 3 years old my father comitted suicide, he drove into a road in the forest where he killed himself by connecting the exhaust pipe with a tube into the car, I've thought about killing myself like this.
Skip forward 6 years I got taken from my family and placed into a foster home by the child protecting services, because my sister was sick with anorexia and they thought it wasn't safe for me to live at home anymore, worst day of my life, I was happy at home, I loved my family so much, I was heartbroken, I cried every night for months while talking to my mom on the phone, but ofc me being a child, I got no say in that decision at all. They didn't even ask me anything, they just showed me some pictures and said, you're gonna live here now, 5 hours away from everyone I loved and knew.
My mom, being the best mom in the world, moved after me as soon she could, to live close to me, literally in the same town, and I was allowed to visit and stay at her place a lot, weird how they would be ok with that seeing as it wasn't "safe" for me to live at home anymore.
Now let's talk about my foster father, the guy who ruined my mental health, he was a good guy, when I went to school, but if I didn't go to school even if I was sick, he would go crazy, banging in the walls stomping the floor and he would make me feel so worthless if I didn't go to school, and that eventually put so much pressure on me to go to school that I couldn't bare it, I knew if I didn't it would be WWIII in the house.
We also used to fight a lot, usually about me not going to school, and it would get physical at times, he hit me once, which made me never trust him again, and oh this guy was like 6ft2 200+ pounds and I was a 5ft5 11-13 year old boy.
Time went on and I eventually fully dropped out of school because I couldn't take it anymore, big mistake, that's where my social anxiety and depression built up, I was so isolated everyday just in my room watching Netflix or playing games, but somehow I got into college, I wanted to be a carpenter, but ofc luck would have me get a wrist injury which made it impossible for me to become just that, and at the same time both my grandparents died within 1 week, it all just became too much for me and I dropped out again, feeling like a failure.
Let's fast forward to recent times, I'm now out of the foster home and living with my mom and her bf, for the past three years, I've been suicidal for at least 5 years, and in the last year gotten really sucidal, as in planning how and when etc.
I think about suicide everyday, and I just wanna die, I feel worthless and no good to anyone, all the jobs I've had in the past three years always end because I can't meet up, it's the /getting there part that is the worst for me, overthink and put so much pressure on myself that I just can't function and end up losing the job.
And I think it sounds so stupid, that something in general so simple can completely crush me, I am super antisocial I don't even feel comfortable around my moms bf that I've lived with for 3 years because I spend almost all my time in my room playing games or watching series to distract me from my shit life.
But every time I get close to committing suicide I think about how it would crush my mom finding her only sons dead body and I just can't go through with it, but I feel like one day I will get past caring about anything and just do it.
The world would be a better place without my lazy worthless no good ass.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I remember an old dream today and realize what it means. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
With your diagnosis, do you think you’d be able to survive in a zombie apocalypse? I’m medicated and somewhat stable (I use that term loosely, lol). I recently started playing the Walking Dead video games and am now thinking about what I would do in the case of a zombie outbreak.
I think with my disorder I’d be very useful during mania, but it would be impossible to sleep as long as I need to while depressed! However, I think what would kill me is either my intense clumsiness or my general forgetfulness.
How would you fare during a zombie outbreak?
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like I desperately need urgent help, but I’m scared. Small back story, I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for a very long time, and have always been on medicine for it. I missed a psych appointment back in May and they wanted to drop me as a patient, but after some fighting, they agreed to take me back. I’ve been waiting for an appointment since then (finally got one scheduled for December 19th), and ran out of medicine in June.
I’m not going to go through everything that’s going wrong in my life, but the big things are that I’m currently going through a divorce (or trying to, I haven’t taken any legal steps because I have no money and no idea what to do) with my abusive ex (we got married when I was 18 and he was 21 - yeah, I know. At the time I thought getting married would make him treat me better and stop cheating and lying - teenager logic). He’s a truck driver and I never really know where he is, so that helps, but I still stress about it a lot. My home life isn’t great either.
I pretty much failed out of college for this semester, because I missed so many classes being unable to make myself get out of bed. I feel like a failure and now my family is pushing me to get a full time job while I figure things out, which would be great, but if I couldn’t handle 2 hours of classes a day, how am I going to handle a job?
I have a boyfriend right now, and he’s my biggest source of support, but we’re long distance (Virginia to Louisiana), which is hard enough normally, but I need him more than ever right now and he can’t be here. We were together in October for my birthday, and it was wonderful, and we were supposed to be together for Christmas, but that’s been cancelled because we really can’t afford it right now.
I’ve been kind of on the edge all this time, but once I found out that we wouldn’t be seeing each other next month, I really fell into a deep depression. It sounds silly to say that’s what made me so depressed, but it was really the last thing that just tipped me over the edge. I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to, and the thought of being so far apart for the holidays makes me so upset.
On top of all of this, my moods have been so intense that they’ve been scaring me. I’ve also started having these dissociative episodes (not new, but the first time I’ve really started asking myself whether they’re just part of normal depression or not), which really freaked me out, and, while I am pretty against self diagnosis, I’m pretty sure I might have BPD and am really stressing about talking to my psychologist about it as soon as possible. There are all of these symptoms I’ve always had but been scared to tell my doctor about, but they align with BPD so perfectly - I cried the first time I read about the symptoms, because it was like it described me 100%, and I finally felt some hope that I wasn’t weird after all and there was hope for being able to manage these things. But in the meantime, I feel like I’m going crazy and ruining my relationships. I’m just so angry over the smallest things, and then I’m fine, one day I hate someone and the next day I love them again, I’m paranoid all the time, always thinking that my boyfriend is secretly thinking about leaving me or my friends are trying to go out without telling me because they don’t want me around. I keep having these episodes where I have total breakdowns and try to break up with my boyfriend and then immediately cry and beg him not to leave me and then I’m laughing and talking casually about how I’m going to kill myself because it’s the best decision for everyone and then I’m crying again and then I’m just like “Okay I’m fine I’m going to bed now”.
I feel like now I’m not even that emotional anymore, I feel really casual when I think about killing myself, like it’s totally normal.
I’m scared I won’t make it another month. But I’m also scared to go to the hospital. I’ve been inpatient twice in the last year, once for 8 days and once for about 4, and my family doesn’t want me to go because they feel like it doesn’t do anything for me. The second time they discharged me before I even saw a doctor once. I’m $2000 in debt from those visits and they didn’t even do anything. I’m also really bad at being away from home and feel like it’s just going to make me freak out more.
I’m not really sure what to do at this point. I don’t particularly want to kill myself, but I also don’t want to go to the hospital, and there’s absolutely no way to get an emergency appointment with my doctor or move it up at all. I’ve been trying desperately. I’m just lost.
|
self.depression
|
Severe Procrastination - can anyone Else relate? I was diagnosed with GAD last year after suffering a health-anxiety induced breakdown and since being prescribed medication (Mirtazapine 15mg) my anxiety hasn't affected my life enormously and I have felt relatively normal for the most part.
However, something which I 'suffer' from which has been a perennial source of dissatisfaction in my life is severe, debilitating procrastination. I'm not really sure if it's related to my anxiety and I haven't mentioned it to my psychiatrist or doctor but am considering bringing it up with them. I'm in my third year of uni and literally do the bare minimum. All through high school and uni I have been this way although you can sort of get away with it in the early stages of your education but by now it's ridiculous. I can't motivate myself to even start readings for my courses so I show up to my classes and barely contribute, sometimes I can't even be bothered to attend, I leave all major assignments to the night before. This culminated in me trying to write 5000 words in one night last semester which was a truly hellish experience. I thought this would be the final kick in the ass I needed to actually be productive but I have started to slip back into old ways.
It's not only my schoolwork that is suffering; in terms of my personal life, I struggle with simple errands such as food shopping, making meals and scheduling appointments. I am months behind on applying for internships and work experience.
Without trying to single myself out as 'special', I don't really know anyone else personally who procrastinates this badly. Sure, everyone jokes about how they binge Netflix instead of working on their assignment but most people I know are still able to plan ahead and manage their time somewhat effectively. My procrastination is ridiculous and I feel like I'm barely scraping by.
I also struggle to focus in my classes and frequently find myself daydreaming.
At this point, I'm considering going to the doctor but I don't really know how to put it all into words. What if I really am just a lazy bum and am just trying to find an excuse for this behaviour? Has anyone else suffered from severe procrastination?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Facebook Messaging For years I have been afraid to contact people. I was always fine talking or messaging with them as long as they initiated it. I was always afraid of being ignored if I started it. Well after getting help for my social anxiety for three weeks now I gathered the courage to send an old friend from high school a facebook message. I'm still shaking from it, but I feel good about what I did.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I have to lie every day and Im near losing it In many ways. I'll take it one by one cuz this might get long, thank you for anyone who bears with me.
Im a freshman in college. Ive always been a lazy student, in elementary, in high school, and even now. Im a horrible student, it just took going to college for me to realize it. I cant bring myself to do homework and things like that. I didnt do homework at all in high school either. Im not dumb. Ive always had good grades but in college it feels worse because being there was something I chose. Id be scared to tell this my parents for many reasons that I'll get to in a bit.
Im an athlete. Been one since I was 9, Im good at it but Ive been burning out for some time now. But with both a borderline abusive coach and the way my parents handle the subject Im terrified of admitting Id want to quit and there's also another reason why Im scared to do that which I will also get to. It just doesnt feel like doing this was my choice. When I was 9 I was forced to chose a sport to do even though I didnt want to do any of them. Sure it turned into a source of income, but it also took all my social life away during my teens, I never got to build up work experience and in general I feel like Ive been screwed over by my 9 year old self. Ive went so far as to convince myself in my early teens and up until a year ago that it was something I wanted. But some things I realized lately made me realize that I had absolutely no control over it at all.
Here comes the hard part. Ive met people in another country. People who Ive grown so close to that we see eachother as family. Hell they became more than family. I was in a very dark spot when I met them. I was convinced I would never be loved by anyone, that I didnt deserve to have friends and there was some law apparently that forbid me from making friends. That nobody would care and nobody would want me around. Even the first time they called me their friend early on my first thought was "how long will it last this time". But I lowered my guard, I didnt lie and I didnt played off my problems with them. I was able to speak truthfully and without hesitation. I realized that it pretty much felt like I found missing parts of my soul in these people. It just felt right. Something in my life finally felt right. But the distance and the time zones make it hard to interact and it hurts. I do want to move there but I need to get a green card, something Im trying on every possible way I can. There'd be a job that I'd like to do there where here, Im unable to drop sports and look for a job. There are basically no entry level jobs and my lack of work experience hinders me greatly. I regret not dropping sports in my teens. Before I met them I did want to go through college. I had nothing else to try. But after meeting them, feeling like I belonged somewhere for once in my life, Id drop it in a heartbeat without regret. Would drop 11 years of hard work in sports without regret. But my family is a problem.
I did tell it all to my mother during the summer. She flipped. She called me many things, threw a lot of stuff at my head that made my anxiety worse. My parents divorced when I was 2 for a lot of reasons. And the worst thing she told me was "what youre doing to me with this is worse than when your father cheated on me". That shattered me. She went for a vacation a couple days after that with my stepdad. I was completely broken, in pain, only my other family, my real family, to help me up and make me feel better. To give me hope. When my parents came home she came to ask me if I missed her. I told the biggest lie of my life. I never said "yes" and felt that empty before in my life. When she hugged me my skin crawled. I wanted to get away. Thats when I decided to hold out, to pretend that Im going along with her, to be borderline sociopathic with my lies and acting just to keep the peace. Since then for every one of her question I said what she wanted to hear played it like I meant it. Its hard to pretend you like to do something, such as college when the moment you have a chance to move to the other side of the world you'd drop everything without hesitation.
It made me look back in my life. Realized how much she actually took complete control from me in my life. I wanted to quit sports many times in my teens. Saying in tears that I didnt want to do it anymore, always getting such a resposne that made me feel like I'd commit the greatest sin if I dropped out and tried anything else. I did in fact lie a lot when I got in trouble, or got into fights as a kid. But now at the age of 20, Im realizing why I did it. Because I was scared of my mother. And I am scared of her now. And after her reaction the first time I told her what I'd want Im scared to tell anyone else. Every day I just feel it more and more that Id much rather leave without anyone knowing when the time comes, but I dont have the guts for it. So Im stuck with no way out.
Our first plan to get me there failed and the second plan wont get an answer til May. Like Im saying Im just stuck. Constantly looking at the clock and counting when the people I am able to view as family will wake up. Im trying to learn to control my anxiety but sometimes an anxiety attack just kicks in. My mind goes dark again and I lose confidence in everything. My mother argued that I was the one who wanted college. People meet new people, we change our minds because some things happen, we find something we'd like much more cuz life is really about trying to live as happily as you can. But the past 20 years of my life was nothing but disappointment after disappointment, so called "friends" turning out to not care at all. I finally found people who do care. A job that would interest me and I could get to it even with my lack of work experience.
But the worst part is, is that I just feel like I'll never have a life without her breathing down my neck and making me feel bad about any choice I make, unless Im half a planet away from her.
Anyone with any thoughts pls... pls share it. I just had to get all of this out. I can talk to my friends yes. But Id like to have an unbiased view occasionally. To see if Im truly not going crazy. I'll answer any other question. Thank you in advance.
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self.offmychest
|
Felt betrayed by friends. Freaked out. Haven’t been able to relax in 1-2 months. So I was a late-bloomer, and ended up having my first relationship with my friend’s sister who turned out to be a nymphomaniac.
The relationship was emotionally abusive, and she cheated on me numerous times. For the first time in my life I experienced anxiety attacks when she’d be absent from conversation longer than usual, and most of the time I was justified in my anxiety.
I’m out of the relationship two years now, and I find out the other month that she had a fling with one of my good friends, and my other friends intervened and made them stop. They didn’t tell me for 9 months, and I found out on my own when I caught wind of something.
I live out-of-state at this point, and I freaked out. I was furiously upset with my friends for not telling me for so long. And upset at my friend who hooked up with my ex-, and my ex. It turns out my ex, had attempted to sleep with about half my friends, but only R gave in.
R recently suffered a lapse-from reality, and was off-and-on institutionalized for 2 months or so.
Since then, I haven’t been able to turn off anxiety that I feel is related to a “fight-or-flight” response. I mean it goes away, but daily I think about the situation, and I find myself in the same head-space.
When I found out, it was like I was in the same head-space I’d get in when I expected my ex- was cheating on me. I’ve never fought in a battle, but it feels like I’m suffering from PTSD, and I’m worried I’ve already allowed it to ruin so many relationships I deeply care about. I’ve also haven’t been able to focus on work since, and I’m attempting to finish up my PhD.
Should I see a psychiatrist?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Breaking up with her was my revenge ...and it felt good. Still does.
We met 4 years ago. I asked you out and liked you from day one. You, however, werent so sure. You made it clear that you werent interested, but we could be friends. You even told our mutual friends, that nothing would ever happen between us.
So we became friends. I was there for you. I helped you, supported you and visited you, when you were lonely. I wasnt. I had many friends and still do. I was a popular guy and well respected, but I wasnt good enough for you. I made time for you, even after working 12 hours a day. You however, never made time for me. I was never a priority. I was just there, whever you needed me. I visited you that storming night, because you were ill and needed care, even though I had just gotten off a plane from a stressful business trip. You never did anything of that sort.
You werent interested in a relationship. Thats fair. So eventually, I moved on. I started dating other girls. You hated that. Lo and behold, suddenly, you were interested. Why couldnt you just let me go? I fell for it. Our relationship lasted 3 years and we lived together. It did not work out. You took me for granted, as you had when we were friends. So I finally snapped and broke up. I rejected you and left, when you were finally happy. You could have had your little family fantasy, if you had realized what was right in front of you. Instead, you had to drag it out, reject me multiple times and even get burned by other guys, before I was worthy. It was only when things were happening with another woman, that you took action. Why? Why wasnt I good enough before? Because you were about to share to attention with someone who actually wanted me on every level?
I know this sounds like a revenge fantasy, but I never planned it this way. It just happened. Funny, how things work out sometimes. You said it was petty to bring up. I consider it karma. Sucks being rejected, doesnt it?
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self.offmychest
|
Alone Another New Years Eve spent alone. Since my mom died I spent every year crying by myself. Someone offered to stay with me but I told them no because I couldn’t bring myself to ruin their New Years too. New Years 2 years ago is the closest I’ve ever gotten to suicide. I don’t feel like doing it anymore but the heart ache and pain is still there
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self.offmychest
|
Birth control is messing me up I was on the pill, now I have the Implanon (implant). My mood is kinda fucked! Anyone else feel this?
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self.offmychest
|
Had to skip meds yesterday because I was throwing up so much from a migraine, now I'm Hearing things. I could use a little comfort if that's okay. Been hearing people talking to the cats even though no one's home, I'm not scared just upset. I hate hallucinating, I was even having visuals over the holidays and it's been months since they stopped after I started vraylar. I could use some kind words if anyone wants to talk. Thanks guys, love you all.
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self.bipolar
|
Realizing Realizing I have no sense of self can’t focus while watching tv music or anything I just exist. I’m a walking zombie. Can’t focus because all I think about is why I am so broken. Just constant thoughts of regret and always questioning my worth and everything that I am. I feel like I have no common interests with anyone and it’s defeating. Can anyone else relate...
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self.depression
|
If you had to rate the following as a sob story... On a scale of 1 to 10, how much would you rate this: "My mom killed herself on christmas day." ? ... 'cause this just happened to me today and I don't know what to do, and jesus fucking christ do I wish I was joking.... It just feels so fucking unreal right now, I don't even know why I'm writing this here.... I just needed to say it somewhere, to let it off my chest I guess, since there's no one else I can say it to right now and it hurts too damn much to keep it inside.... I really just needed to type the words to let them out, this is the worst day of my life and I just couldn't swallow this one without venting some of it somewhere... not actually looking for advice or anything, just literally needed to let it of my chest and had nowhere else...
|
self.offmychest
|
I finally found something simple to help me relax and I'm thrilled Lately I've been dealing with a lot of panic attacks and general anxiety. I'm coming off of this period of prolonged stress and even though I'm finally starting to slow down, I still have this lingering sense of dread, like I'm forgetting something or going to die. Tonight I couldn't shake this feeling of nervous energy, so I tried listening to some nature sounds and it made me feel so at peace. I know this is probably such a basic thing that I should've experimented with months ago but I'm glad I finally found something that makes me feel calm. I can't hear all the weird sounds/sensations in my body that normally make me feel like I'm sick/dying. I don't feel like my mind is spiraling into obsessive thoughts like I sometimes do when I listen to music. I feel like ocean waves are washing over me. It's wonderful. I'm weirdly at peace for once
|
self.Anxiety
|
Final attempt, then I'm throwing away my entire life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel something coming on My sleep has been bad. I woke up at 2am and 4am last night but at least I didn't stay up like previous nights.
I'm having a really intense test at work and although my part is working I keep getting pulled into the testing during meetings and all day. I haven't done one thing on my to do list for this week.
My son got diagnosed with mild ADHD.
My husband's car needed $4000 of work on it and they called and it needs $400 more.
I knew last night I could easily become hypomanic if I didn't sleep and I wasn't tired so I took a melatonin. Sleep was not good though.
I can feel something coming on due to the stress of everything but I'm not sure what to do. I'm thinking of taking a sick day. Even with everything going on at work. I don't know if I can handle it.
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self.bipolar
|
When should I be looking for a new therapist? I've had my current one for about six years now and she's been great for the most part, but now it seems like she's dragging me down a bit, discouraging me from pursuing the things I want to do in life. Yeah, some of those things might be a bit out there, but they're within the realm of reachable. She tells me I should just give up job searching at this point because it has never seemed to resulted in any employment. It might be worth noting that I have a number of other disorders that make it a lot harder to function than the average neurotypical person, but I don't think that should bar me from going after my dreams, you know? I've been on disability for the better part of two years because of this and I feel like my life is going nowhere and my therapist only seems to reinforce this idea that I'm rather low-functioning at the moment I guess.
That and she seems more than anyone else *convinced* my bipolar is worse than it really is. She will say I'm acting hypomanic just because I'm talkative, restless, and laughing at random things. Maybe I can't really judge for myself, but I think it's a tad ridiculous to assume I'm becoming ill based on just a few symptoms. She's the one who initially diagnosed me BP1 because I was showing up "whacked out of my mind" and supposedly exhibiting some mild psychotic symptoms. She called me a textbook case. Further neuropsych testing seemed to confirm that (though I feel like I lied on some of the questions) so her assumptions were certainly not without merit.
Before all this happened I felt like I was at the peak of my life, finished top of my class in a two-year computer networking course and was about to land a sweet entry-level position before it all came crashing down for some reason. Not sure if it was of my own doing or if mania actually caused it. I honestly can't tell. It feels like it was all me, but I digress.
Is it time for me to look for a new therapist if this current one seems to give me so many negative vibes? She's worked really well for me in the past, so I'm rather apprehensive about switching right now, but if it means getting my life back on track, I'm all for it.
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling like a failure after being rejected from med schools I'm heartbroken because I didn't get into medicine. I feel really lost and it's a probably a stupid reason to be suicidal over, but my family is broke and this was my only "real" shot at getting into medicine. I really tried my hardest this year, and even if I had a second shot, I'm not sure I could push myself any further. I know this might sound naive, but it just hurts when you feel like you've dedicated all your efforts towards your dream and you still fail. What makes my pain worse is that I have a lot of friends who have been accepted, and I know, from what they told me, that they want to study medicine for all the wrong reasons. Some are just doing it because they got the marks for it, some for the prestige, and some for the job security and money. It really makes me question the way our world works. Not saying I am better than these people, but I just feel like if I had the opportunity to study medicine, I would have really made the most of the opportunity and would be there because I genuinely wanted to be. I actually would care about the people I treated.
The thing is, my marks weren't bad at all. I missed the cutoff by a mark - and that's what makes this whole thing feel so unfair. Had it been any other year, I would have gotten in. But this year the cutoff was slightly higher, and I just missed. Just my bad luck I guess.
I also have depression, anxiety and PTSD, and I guess these feelings of failure and disappointment are really worsening my mental health. I can't see my psychologist because of family problems right now, hence this post.
In terms of the suicide aspect, I have several plans, but I'm not sure I'm allowed to say what they are. I want to do it without causing any harm to others, and also would prefer to make it look like an accident. I'm also concerned about my family, and they are the only reason I feel obligated to stay here. I don't want them to go through the kind of pain I go through on a daily basis because of my mental illnesses, but does that mean I continue suffering?
I don't really know where I was going with this but it felt good to vent my feelings. I don't know how serious my suicidal thoughts are, but I hope I will be rational enough to get some professional help if it gets any worse.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think my life ends today I think my life is gonna end today
and also
..........
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH
I JUST LOGGED IN And saw that the thread I made was downvoted to 0 https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/7kbhks/nooo/
WHY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Anyways I think my life ends today
if anyone cares about me please let me know
...
Its about the thing I keep saying in my threads that I got depressed about something and I really want to talk to someone about it on reddit in private in messages or something, but no one's really talked to me about it yet
......
AUUGH I CANT EVEN BREATHE, WHY WAS MY THREAD DOWNVOTED!? I REALLY WANT FRIENDS!!!
Please let me know if you like me. I think my life ends today.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Can't sleep, have an intense urge to socialize I just want to talk to someone face to face, do anything with someone. But it's 1am. How can I possibly quiet my brain and suppress this urge. I want to wake someone up and go out! Something!
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self.bipolar
|
Compassion (a reminder) Last week my boyfriend and I had a fight. A big one. I don’t remember what started it, but it spiraled into him not helping me with things, always being lost in video games and movies, being distant to the extent that I felt more resentment than love from him. It started with screaming that our neighbors probably heard, and ended with us both crying.
I’ve been “officially” diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I’ve had therapy in the past, and I’m on medication. I wouldn’t say I’m living my best life, but I’m ok most of the time. Neither of us realized it when we started dating (about 4 years ago), but he’s got a lot of the same issues I’ve dealt with, but he hasn’t had the luxury of good health care, and thus has never been able to get professional help, even after he finally acknowledged that he needed it. I’m not good at being his support system, since I barely feel like I’m keeping it together for myself, but during our fight, he finally opened up to me, which he doesn’t do very often, about how he feels most of the time. The lack of energy, the sense of being overwhelmed, the need to “escape.” It was too relatable.
I can’t “fix” him, like I can’t “fix” myself. It’s too stressful for me to think like I can. All I can really do is be compassionate, remember that I know what it feels like to go through what he’s going through. It sounds simple and obvious, but it’s really helped our relationship to realize we’re in this together.
I hope it helps someone else to be reminded that if you’re going through depression, opening up about your feelings to someone who can give you love and support helps, and if you know someone going through this, try to understand their feelings and behaviors rather than trying to blame or change them.
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self.depression
|
I am so tired of the depression... I can’t get out do this horrible feeling. I hate living. Psychotherapy doesn’t help. Nothing does. I wish I don’t have to live any much longer and pray to get a cancer or something. I don’t see any meaning of my existence. It’s just pain and agony. It’s like being punished to stay alive.
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self.depression
|
Adhd and Bipolar taking Vyvanse and having a questionable sex drive I'm in the struggle of trying to find medication that words for my ADHD and Bipolar Disorder. I'm taking Lithium so far for my BPD and it's working out okay. It's really toned out my sexual impulses and got it off my mind which I am extremely thankful for amongst other things. I recently took strattera for my ADHD but it made feel really hot and sleepy. So my doctor recently prescribed me Vyvanse. I took it for 4 days and I was super irritable, but that was probably due to my period. I started again, I'm on day 10 and I'm just slightly sleepy still, but my sex drive is so high. It's almost like I'm not on my bipolar medication anymore. It's just always on my mind again and I just feel like I'm stuck in my old thoughts again. I can't even talk to my doctor until Monday. Should I stop taking it immediately ? I just want someone to tell me I'm not going crazy, I'm tired of feeling like a guinea pig lately. I posted this in the adhd thread as well.
Sorry for the mess ups, I'm using my phone.
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self.bipolar
|
I’m suicide to the point where music is the only thing helping me right now. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
DAE get "Have you taken your meds?" 20 times a day? I have this problem with EVERYONE who knows about my disorder. Every time I cry or get a little energetic, you know, basic human emotions, I get the question "did you take your meds today?" "When's the last time you took your meds?" "Do you think your meds are still working?" Like I'm driven completely by my medication and if it's working I should be an emotionless robot or something. I got upset, I cried, I'm fine now, this isn't a depressive episode, I don't need an extra 200mg of Lamictal a day. It gets on my nerves and I feel like since I'm """crazy""" my emotions aren't taken seriously because it's "just my disorder" and "I obviously forgot to take my medication." I know people are acting in my best interests but it feels really..... invalidating? To me as a person.
Just kind of a vent but also wondering if anyone else gets the same thing.
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling like there’s no reason to live. I’m 27, all I do is work because I went to school for a useless journalism degree and now without 2 jobs I can’t afford an apartment and health insurance and all the other shit I pay for.
I don’t usually have time for other things and when I do I’m too tired to want to do anything besides sleep.
I have no friends where I live, and haven’t for a few years now.
I have tried finding a psychologist near me but no one near me is taking on new patients.
I have gained 15 lbs in the past 8 months.
My dad died of cancer 6 months ago.
I can’t find a way out of this loneliness, shame and pain. There’s only one way, it seems.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What's y'alls favorite movie(s)? What's the movie that can just make the day for you when you watch it. Good day, bad day, boring day, you're just happy to watch it and turn the brain off for a bit, while you recite every line from the movie...
Mines about the Dude himself, The Big Lebowski.
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self.Anxiety
|
Seeking help has changed my life. I feel like a brand new person. I want to make this for anyone on the fence or scared about seeking help because of the stigma. A little back story I am now 24 but have dealt with major depression and a few manic episodes since I was in my late teens. I also could not hold down a job and just felt like a complete failure. My parents knew something was wrong but I never spoke up to them because I was scared of letting them down, and having to face a reality of having a mental illness. I ended up telling my parents "I need help" So I had a full psych evaluation done. which led to a diagnosis of BP2 and ADHD. since then I have just titrated up to 150mg lamictal a few weeks ago and I am also on welbutrin 150mg. and 30mg temazepam for sleep. Now that the lamictal has kicked in I cannot believe how much better I feel. Please if you are on the fence of getting help. take the leap of faith. it might just save your life like it did mine. Sorry for the long post.
|
self.bipolar
|
Had enough. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I have really had enough of everything and the only thing that has kept me here up until now is how my death will affect my family. I have no kids, so I mean my parents, my brothers and sisters and friends.
I am thankfully physically healthy and if I could give my body to somebody who could make more use of it than me I would gladly do so. For this reason I feel guilty about killing myself.
I am tortured inside my own head. I had a shitty childhood and I have always had physical pains because of how sad I am inside. I didnt know what these feelings were as a child. I didnt know there was a word for it.
They havent gone away as an adult. They have got worse.
I have tried years of therapy and I point blank refuse meds. I refuse meds because they wont actually fix anything. Also my mother is on meds and I can describe her as a functional zombie these days. She drinks, she takes xanax and is on prozac and something else too. They have fucked her up more than anything else. I dont want to end up like her. I dont want to end up half like her. So no fucking meds, thanks.
I have come to the conclusion that my 32 years on this planet have been nothing but torture. I think there is something wrong with me mentally. Not like learning disabled but borderline schizophrenic or something. I know that is not an actual medical term. One of the people I spoke to thought I may have BPD. Maybe I do, but anyway from the frustration I feel and the torture in my own head sometimes I can hear myself screaming at myself inside my own head. I hear all the voices of various people like my family who ask me to do things etc, literally going around inside my head like a screaming roller coaster.
I tell them I have anxiety but they don't seem to understand. I have asked for help and they have to a point but they don't really care, well that is how I feel anyway.
I am fucked up too when it comes to relationships and sex. I don't trust anyone and sex just reminds me of one bitch I fucking despise and makes me feel sick, physically sick and mentally and I have often stopped and just said fuck this I cant do this, which makes you look like a total fucking weirdo and god knows how it makes the other person feel. I have zero confidence, zero self esteem and so sex and relationships are something that doesnt apply to me.
I think things like why would they even want to be with me? Even if they did get with you they would probably cheat on you or leave you or if they knew what you were really like they wouldnt want to be you.
At this stage of my life seeing my friends, my little sisters, etc being in relationships, it as if almost everybody else has somebody.
Im not saying I even want to be in a relationship but it just highlights the loneliness that I feel.
I feel I dont understand people. I dont understand relationships.
I dont trust people.
Im angry. Im hurt. Im sad. Im frustrated. I feel worthless. These are just the words I can think of to describe it at the moment. I suppose I feel sick is in there too. Sick of being inside my own head with no where to go.
Im really angry at my family because it is like I just stay here for them and they are only worried about how sad they will be if I kill myself, they dont have to live life the way I do.
I wish they would just understand and be supportive of me going, because I am more than miserable here on this planet. I hate it. I have had enough and I want to go.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Be ridiculous. What's stopping people from whispering out loud in a computer lab? It's just as loud as speaking. Nails on a chalkboard. Classic romance.
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self.offmychest
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I regret not doing it years ago. I'm struggling to sleep tonight, suicide will not stop haunting my thoughts, I don't want to sleep like this. I regret not killing myself when I was younger...I knew back then it was the right choice, but was too pussy. Now i'm turning 23 in 10 days, heartbroken from a 4 1/2 year relationship, and wishing I had made the choice long ago.
If people didn't care i'd be gone tonight. but I can't do that to the people who care about me, I cant have them hate me after i'm gone...I don't know how to move on I've never lived for myself, i'm just a stupid girl who followed in everyone's footsteps. I just need to get those thoughts out of my head, I wish they'd leave...
I'm sorry i'm not okay, I know everyone needs me to be.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My panic attacks are getting worse but less frequent [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My Thoughts Hi this is a burner account so this post won’t be linked back to me by people who know my main reddit, but you can call me James for simplicity and I have been contemplating ending it of recent. I’m currently an 18 year old male and attending a community college as a history major. I never had a romantic relationship and I have trouble just keeping friends outside a small group.
What has kept me going for so long are games like Dragon Age, Mass Effect, The Elder Scrolls, and Dungeons and Dragons which have allowed me to feel not alone, to feel like the hero I always wanted to be, to feel like I can be desirable, and to feel like even the most unlikely of people can rise to greatness.
My greatest fear is that I will never go on to know happiness or love, that I’m unwanted and have no chance to know what life can hold. Only two friends close to me knows anything about these feelings or fears as I always act happy, friendly, and energetic.
These two friends have helped me talk through a lot of stuff, but no matter how much I talk about what I do or feel or how I would like to change nothing ever sticks and I just fall back into my depression. Of recent there’s been this girl who I really like and we have plenty of good conversations over text and even met up in real life, but not knowing if she has any or ever will have any feelings for me is killing me. I could totally handle it if she doesn’t, but what kills me is not knowing, but I’m too scared to ask.
I’m no stranger to suicidal thoughts as I had then pop up throughout my life, but of recent the pain and stress seem too much to handle and I’ve been thinking of just disappearing from home and ending everything in a place where nobody would find me so no one knows how I went out. I just don’t know what to do so posting somewhere anonymously seemed like a good idea.
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self.SuicideWatch
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The life and death of a common ground mole [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just another hopeless and pathetic love letter. At 31 years old and I am somehow not sure I ever understood what love was until I met you... So many trite sayings about love that I never understood; song lyrics, movie lines, etc. But now... You have literally made me crazy. Like psychotic, paranoid, depressed, everything. I feel like shit when you aren't around, and like a different kind of shit when you are. I'm a tightly wound ball of anxiety that constantly threatens to unravel. All I can think about is you, and your approval. It's pathetic.
I almost wish I could avoid you. Never see you again. But that would require one of us to quit our job. And the thought of never seeing you again makes life seem so gray. You are the only color left in my dull existence.
And I hate you. I hate what you've done to me, and that you can't see it. And I hate that you can't feel the same way. I don't understand why I'm so drawn to you. And if it's just chemical, I don't understand why I've never felt this way before. We were barely even aquainted when I realized I'd caught this disease. And yet I awkwardly stumbled forward trying to know you. To try and find out if there was a chance.
Of course not. And yet here I remain.
And now we're something close to friends. Or at least I would hope we are. But you always seem to keep me at a distance. Maybe it's just your way, or maybe you are genuinely disinterested. Maybe you really can sense it. Or maybe I'm just that awkward.
I know it's probably just convenience that we hang out at work, and you're likely already full-up on actual friendships. And why not, you are magentic. It's not just me, people are drawn to you I think. I just wish there was room for me there, even if you can never love me beyond as a brother.
Look at me... begging for scraps at the table of your attention. This is what I've become. I never knew I could get so low.
All that's left for me to do is tell you. But I'm a coward. And I can't ruin what little we have... But I want you to know how you destroyed me without even trying. Maybe some day...
... I'm too god damn cynical for this... I love everything about . You are a beautiful, noble, magnificent creature. You are an impossible string of adjectives, too long and cheesy for me to even describe. I hope you find a girl who loves you like this guy does. I fucking love you Steve.
Good luck out there everybody. Thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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i feel like an idiot i dropped my honors math class a few days ago off of an impulse. its just really hard for me because i have ADHD and i lack willpower to keep practicing and oftentimes i'll need an entire lesson retaught to me. i'm uncomfortable with tutoring. i feel like people are being condescending to me or believing i'm an idiot because i don't get something. i know it's my fault. i just wish the curriculum and just a liiiiitttllleee slower because they just teach it to you and expect you to know it- which is honors classes in general and i've known that as i was in it last year. the concepts aren't that hard but i don't know when and where to apply them and often skip stuff subconsciously. i just hate that my adhd makes things really hard i guess because i have the intelligence and potential for it but i can't apply it. i always forget how to do things, the way its taught doesn't work well with me, i can't focus during the lessons 50% of the time because i start daydreaming. i'm good at math, i really like it, but i get too frustrated to do it. this whole thing is really racy and disorganized but i'm just writing everything that comes to mind right now.
**TL;DR** i gave up my honors adv algebra class out of ADHD frutration
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self.offmychest
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To Drop Out or Stay I'm in my first semester of a bachelor of social work degree. If you read my last post, you know the shit that's been going on within my family. I'm so tired of the consistent lies from my mother and I am mad, but I'm worried as she's been having suicidal ideation. So, I'm stuck. I'm overwhelmed with family bull shit and that has greatly impacted my ability to stay on top of my academics.
My husband and I have been fighting because I think I should drop out before the next loan instalment in January and try again later. This isn't the right time. He thinks I should stay in the program because I want be a social worker and that all of my career goals are based on this program.
I've seen my psychiatrist and my therapist and both think I should stay in the program. Basically, my hesitation its hat I don't want to fuck up my remission because of stress from school or family. I feel stuck and like everyone will be upset or disappointed no matter what I do.
I can't win.
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self.bipolar
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My dad is so tough. My dad is a tough bastard. Not in a rough way. But with determination. He is dying of cancer. By February he is most likely to be gone.
What I wanted to talk about is his iron will and determination to make the most of every moment and why I’m so different.
Myself, I'm an average r/anxiety member. Social anxiety. My mind is filled with black pits. I fear people, I don't work yada yada.
What makes him so resilient? Perhaps it's attitude. I think it's reflected in the way he thinks.
I try to figure out how his mind is working and lately I'm trying to work with the way I think.
Perhaps I should not be so worried about what may happen, or perhaps is should try turn down some parts of my imagination. Often a source of dark thoughts.
When I'm active, exhausted or have focus on practical and tangible problems I'm often less likely to be anxious.
I have the deepest respect for his will to live. I wish could see inside his heads and understand.
Do you work activly with changing the way you think? Did you meet people tough like this?
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self.Anxiety
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A few questions about the relationship between BP1 and BP2 This is really a general question, but I felt I needed to put the dangerous behavior due to a description of a hypomania episode.
This is my first post in this subreddit so I feel kind of obligated to provide the broad strokes of my story. Skip to the fourth paragraph for the questions, but the story provides some context.
I have been having depressive symptoms for about a decade, the stress of college developed this into misdiagnosis of major depressive disorder three years ago and eventually a BP2 diagnosis about Two Years ago. I have a good psychiatrist. We have been narrowing in on effective medication, but I titrated off so I could have a clear head for finals. I fell into a depressive episode as expected and managed it, but for the two weeks I was off meds there were a few nights I couldn't get to sleep. Two of those nights I got in my truck at ~1:30am and drove above or at the speed limit for several hours up the interstate screaming punk rock at the top of my lungs, texting my friend the whole time. My psychiatrist was appropriately worried about this new development. They were manic episodes according to my psychiatrist, and she thinks it's from coming off the meds. I'll be returning to my old regimen which seemed to work well despite the head fuzziness. While I trust my doc, I question if the 'hypomania' was from the drug withdrawal because I titrated down gradually. I was on a pretty high dosage of Latuda and lamotragine prior to finals so all my moods, highs as well as lows, were suppressed effectively for about a year, thus I haven't had a good baseline for my natural emotions in a long time and the extreme energy and anger shocked me.
Questions:
Besides the presence of manic episodes, what differentiates BP1 and BP2 from a patient's perspective, do their depressive episodes feel different in any way?
Is there such thing as a progression from BP2 into BP1 or are the manic episodes experienced by me for sure a result of meds withdrawal?
Edit: I have very little knowledge of BP1, beyond it's different than BP2 and has manic episodes, so clarifications on what the symptoms actually are and how they differ from BP2 symptoms are welcome
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self.bipolar
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I was saving it as a surprise for my 23rd birthday but plans got cut short [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My psychiatrist keeps bringing up bipolar. I think it’s adhd. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Spent my 20th birthday alone. Now I can’t stop thinking about hanging myself It feels like I’m alone in the world but I know I’m not. I have a family a girlfriend and a couple friends but none of them could see me today so I just laid in bed. I've had these suicidal thoughts randomly but sometimes at night but never like this. Death really scares me but it feels like the only thing that will satisfy the empty loneliness.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Either I'm getting old or the world is changing... I just applied online for a new job. At the end of the application there were a number of demographic questions, gender, race, veteran status.
In addition, the application asked about applicants' disabilities. Just a few listed were Bipolar and Depression. I marked "Do not wish to answer". I don't think I've ever seen this type of information asked on a job application before. Makes me more than slightly nervous.
After freaking out for a while I did find a good article on (employee disabilities) [https://askjan.org/media/BiPolar.html]. If you have any interest they list a number of things considered disabilities and offer suggested ways to help employees with these diagnoses.
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self.bipolar
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Someone to talk to? I'm a 20F and I think I might legitimately try to kill myself in a few hours. Long story short, I've been feeling this way for years now but last week I finally decided to do something about it. I see no point in my life and I feel that I've just wasted all my life and opportunities. Plus I'm super lonely. I met with my therapist and psychiatrist and neither one suspected anything lol. Anyways, last night I went to the location where I would die but couldn't bring myself to for reasons. But on the way back to my home, I realized that it's what I want to do. Basically, I'm going to do so tonight. Going to the hospital and dealing with the financial and personal repercussions isn't worth it so basically I'm stuck with dying or moving on by myself. I just need someone to talk to for the night.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need some support. I feel like I'm reliving this event that happened a year ago. On some days, I feel like I am reliving the pain from my suicide attempt that happened almost exactly a year ago. On a whim, I overdosed on a bunch of pills, and I remember experiencing bloating and sharp pains in my abdomen.
I don't have any signs of significant issues resulting from that event, but I can't get the memories out of my head.
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self.Anxiety
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Why does this subreddit have so many zero-comment posts? I've noticed so many posts here that receive little notice or attention, despite being a support forum for clinically depressed people. Why is that?
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self.depression
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Anybody else get really bored at night time and turn to drinking/smoking? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt myself I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt myself one day
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self.depression
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Thinking about it My dad killed himself when I was 12. My sister and I were there when he did it. He had told me he was going to do it a few times before that and I always talked him out of it or called someone for help. The night he did it, he didn't tell me he was planning it, but he did say goodbye. I didn't even say I love you back cause I thought he was just being drunk and weird. I blamed myself for many years.
Now I'm a parent, and I'm brutally depressed. I'm not an alcoholic like he was, just thinking about suicide. The only thing stopping me is I can't leave my son alone. He would be devastated, and I just can't do it to him.
It makes me wonder how my dad went through with it. Maybe I was such a shitty daughter that it wasn't this hard. He probably thought I didn't even love him.
I wish I could just stop existing.
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self.depression
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I bought a gun. I'm about at the end of my rope, I think. My life isn't going to get better. It's not because I don't have the opportunity, or that I'm just stuck, if I could put the work in, slowly I could fix it. But that window gets smaller every day.
I've been trying to get myself to function for a decade and I've failed at every turn. I'm 20, I have no job, no high school diploma, and no license. I dunno how much of that is my fault, and how much of that is my brain simply being broken, but it doesn't really matter at this point.
I don't think I'm going to get better, I've exhausted my options, therapy, drugs, I can't make better habits. Hurting myself doesn't even make me feel better anymore.
I bought a gun the other day, it was a pretty big pain to get. initially I was looking at local gun stores, but you can't buy a handgun from a licensed dealer in the US unless you're 21. I thought about buying a shotgun, but I live at home still and I don't want anyone in my family to know that I have it, and a shotgun won't really fit in a bag.
However, you can still buy a handgun in my state if you're over 18, if you buy it from a private citizen, so I looked around online at websites where people advertise such things, and sent out a few messages for cheap pistols.
One person messaged me back, he wanted to meet about a half hour away, and I had to show him a bunch of stuff to convince him it was legal to sell me ammunition. But I did convince him it was all on the up and up, and I took an uber out to where I was sposed to meet the guy.
Guy showed up, I gave him 200 bucks, he gives me the pistol with some loose bullets in a ziplock bag, he tells me I can take a look at it, but honestly I have no idea what I'd even be looking for, so I put it in my backpack, and the uber guy takes me home.
My parents thought I was just on a walk this entire time, I go upstairs and viola, I can exit this world whenever I decide to. I had a friend of mine talk me down once already, but I dunno how long I can resist.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m going to jump out of my skin I posted earlier that I’m low on Valium so I have to ration them which means I can’t take one now or tonight.
Work is fucked more than ever. I feel like I’m fighting so many people who have more influence and power than me. I have to work so hard to prove my value when I just want to give up and quit. Obviously I can’t do that because I need to support my family.
My husband is pissed at me so he says I don’t appreciate everything he does for me. That makes me feel even worse like I want to quit my family. I just won’t accept anything from him anymore so that he can’t throw it in my face.
I want to jump out of my fucking skin. I seriously don’t think I can handle all of this shit at once. I am agitated and not sleeping. I can’t go to the doctor until I get a car which I can’t do unless my husband is with me driving his car. He doesn’t want to go during the week.
My asshole colleague from Austria is in next week so I have to be in the office so I need a car. I have to go to the office so that he can berate my work in person.
Lovely life, just fucking lovely.
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self.bipolar
|
driven into isolation I never really understood being suicidal until recently, it's not just thinking about it or googling methods, it's an overwhelming urge, both a physical and mental pain that doesn't end until you find someone to unload on. Talking to the right people helps, but not for long, people can't stay forever and can't keep listening to you talk about the same thing repeatedly. It becomes heavy sometimes, but it passes, it passed for me, but tonight is particularly heavy...
I'm not suicidal for the most part, but I do feel extreme loneliness. I have a job, money, friends, but at nights when I have nobody to talk to, I don't know what to do with myself. Lately I can't watch tv shows I used to love or watch movies without getting frustrated 20 minutes in. I can't eat anything without feeling sick afterwards or get bored of eating after 1 or 2 long bites. I can sit in silence with someone there on the phone for hours without feeling bored or the need to leave or do anything.
Emotionally... I'm empty, I can't feel anything really, except upset. I have some receptionist duties at work, so I'm used to faking a smile, but it feels like I can't anymore, my job impedes my ability to know how to feel, I just feel like I'm faking everything now except for when something bothers me.
When it gets bad my chest hurts, like my torso has been carved hollow, a pain in my heart mostly, not heartache, but kind of like something is lodged inside my chest. The pain goes away as my depression fades, but it always comes back hard, usually near the end of work and especially late at night when I'm home and everyone's asleep. Nobody in person to talk to, nobody online.
I barely sleep now, 20+ hours awake and I don't feel tiredness, when I lie down and my eyes hurt, it still takes me 2+ hours to fall asleep. I'll sleep for maybe 2-3 hours and wake up again, a bit tired, but it goes away and the cycle repeats itself. I don't feel hungry really, I mainly eat 1 meal a day, if I do feel hungry, eating doesn't make the feeling go away.
I just don't know, my depression feels physical now, I don't know what to do with it. I push people away at night after talking to them for a little bit... I get frustrated even though I'm lonely. I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
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One day I’ll leave this world One day I’ll leave this world, maybe not now, maybe later. I want you to know that whilst I was here I tried to make a difference, I tried to make the world a better place for all of you. I’m down at the moment, I’m really struggling, I feel like I cannot breathe because of the stress, I know I’ll wake up tomorrow and still go on trying to make the world a better place for everyone, because the world deserves it. There’s some shit two faced people out there, but the reality is, in general the world is a good place.
If your depressed and down, just remember I’m here too with you, find some focus, it may just be the thing that saves your life.
If it helps to make any sense of these ramblings I’m a medical researcher.
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self.depression
|
Slapped my butt, spent the rest of the night staring at the ceiling or crying I’ve been venting a lot, sorry. I’ve been suck in a depression that isn’t helped by the people around me. This isn’t strictly bipolar related, but I hope it’s ok if I post this here anyways since it’s a community I feel accepted in.
I was picking on my dad and saying, “Awh can little boy smiles?” Basically things he’s said to me. He was scowling dramatically, so I presumed he was playing along.
A tiny bit of background. He’s said numerous times in the past saying he will “spank” me. Every time I responded with that’s assault/sexual assault. I’m a full grown adult. He talks about gross over sexualized stuff to me too, and I’ll repeat it’s inappropriate to talk about that with your daughter.
He smacked my ass, I slapped his arm. It wasn’t very hard. He didn’t look like he got it, so I ended up backhanding his arm (again, not super hard, but harder and I probably shouldn’t have).
He got angry and I hid in my room. Tried to distract myself, ran out of distractions, and then everything hit at once. I was sexually abused in my past, so I felt gross and angry. Everyone uses me. Everyone does what they want and I’m not aloud to get angry. So I went between crying and staring at the ceiling.
I still feel awful and nauseous. I don’t know what to do. I want to go back to college.
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self.bipolar
|
How does sugar affect you? I developed a sugar addiction after I began my meds and I blame them for it. I'm making an attempt to cut down on sugar but struggling to have energy for the afternoon when I usually have a hit to get me through. How do you deal with energy issues? I'm type 2 so depression and the low energy state is more frequent. Does changing diet do much or will I have to rely on energy/mood lifting meds?
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self.bipolar
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I just don't feel like doing this anymore Does that make sense? I look around at life... nothing seems worth it. Nothing seems exciting. Everything is fake. It's like people try to fill their lives up with bullshit to distract themselves and give them a sense of purpose. I just find this world uninteresting. And everything is too hard. Year after year goes by. It's around new year's that I get like this. It's a little better now that I feel only apathy. Last year I tried to throw myself off the balcony.
I just feel no enthusiasm for life. I'm not looking forward to anything.
Maybe just hoping that I die in my sleep or something
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self.SuicideWatch
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Caught in my own head. Insecurity and resentment seems to absolutely rule me. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Got Myself Into Debt Because of Depression, Can't Get Out of Debt Because of Depression. I'm about 60k in debt thanks to student loans, medical bills (to pay for depression meds and therapy), credit card debt (shopping addiction thanks to PTSD) and a private student loan that fell into collections (thought it was part of my consolidation package, was dead wrong). My credit score is so awful that I can't get an apartment or home loan so I have to live with my parents still at 30. I have a full time job that pays well, but since I have so much debt I have zero ability to save any money or even pay more than the minimum amount owed for all of my bills. I also can't consolidate anything because I get instantly denied so I'm stuck with high payments. I like my job. It is perfect for me, so I don't want to try and find a new higher paying one. Higher salary = more stress and responsibility and I'm at max capacity for both of those right now. I know my only option is to probably get a second job but I don't know how I'll handle it. 40 hours/week is already too much for me :'(
Anybody else struggling with debt, too? Anybody been able to successfully manage it or get out of debt? Any tips are appreciated. I'm so broken down and depressed over my finances that I'm not sure life is worth living anymore cuz I'll be dealing with this crushing debt until I die anyway. If only I could go back in time.
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self.depression
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Going through struggles in my life. Don’t know what to do anymore. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I guess I'm a member of the #MeToo movement So I’m not sure what the term is for what happened. Definitely harassment. Maybe assault but like not with a capital ‘A’. Definitely made me uncomfortable but not super traumatizing. Also not the first time this happened but it’s weird talking about it because I’m a guy.
The first time it happened was two years ago at a bonfire with a bunch of high school buddies. I was looking for weed and I knew F dealt. I mentioned I was looking for some, he told me it was in his car. Then on the walk over he starts talking about how he wishes we hung out more in high school, we only had one class. Saying he remembers how funny I was and such. So now I’m thinking “this is weird, is he hitting on me?” But I brushed it off because he had a girlfriend. He was also super drunk. But then he goes in for a kiss and I had to push him away. I told him I wasn’t gay and I left. Less than 5 minutes later he was throwing up on account of all the binge drinking. The next day I asked a mutual friend if he was gay and he reiterated the girlfriend point and reminded me that F was always into that “borderline gay/super jock asshole men’s locker room behavior” so I brushed it off.
A few months go by and it’s summer and he was acting weird again. Trying to touch my hands, saying I look good, saying he was trying to “feel the material of my shirt” that kinda stuff. I ditch him but Then later we’re in a crowded bar and he comes up behind me and grabbed my ass. He played it off as he was just trying to move through a crowded bar but there was a squeeze. I think he also tried to grab my nipples that night. Other times I’d see him out at a bar and he would try and get me to come back to his place to smoke. Keep in mind I’ve told him several times that I’m not gay but he just says he isnt either and it’s something else we have in common.
Fast forward some weeks later and I’ve told a handful of my friends about this. And since we all know F from high school I thought others might have some insight. So I told some people and they all say it must be his sense of humor. He’s always been the kinda guy to be like “yo let me suck your dick no homo”, you know asshole jock behavior. I just came to the conclusion that he’s always been like this so maybe he just has trouble drawing the line when he’s drunk. And I’ve heard and read about sexual harassment and assault and it didn’t sound like any of my encounters with this guy. Or maybe because I didn’t spend enough time around him to find out. (He’s in a massive group of high school friends from my hometown and I’ve spent maybe 30 minutes talking to him in the 6 years since I graduated college.)
And then last night happened. I’m talking with some friends when he enters the house party. I’m standing by the door so I watch him shake everyone’s hand normally. Then he got to me. He went to shake my hand but instead took it and forced it on his crotch. Then he shouted “woah, you win! If you want to see my dick just follow me to the bathroom.” First words he said to me after hi. I said no thanks and he walked away. I was in a room full of people. Talking to my friends. No one made it into a thing and I feel like by typing it out I’m making it into one. I wouldn’t have wanted them to talk about it anyways. Maybe they exchanged some uncomfortable looks that wordlessly said “is that what I think it was?” But I was high and kinda drunk so I never thought to look at them. Then the night went on as usual. We were all at a packed bar and I kept my eyes on him to make sure he never got too close. And then I left cause I was bored and had cake waiting at home.
I mean I know it wasn’t assault like some women experience. And I never saw his dick or anything but it feels weird. I’ve turned this guy down so many times. And I’m not mad at my friends for not doing anything yesterday. I’m certainly not gonna get the police involved or anything like that. And it’s not the most traumatic thing to happen to me so it’s whatever. I guess I’m afraid to talk about it cause I thought people would think I’m gay or that I didn’t do enough to stop it, especially last night. I’m 8 inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than this guy so I didn’t think anyone would believe he yanked my hand to put it on his crotch. Or people would think I’m exaggerating locker room behavior to be the center of attention. Like anyone would want that. His Facebook profile no longer says which gender he’s interested in so maybe he’s just a gay guy who can’t take no for an answer. And I’m not worried that he’s going to escalate it further - although I didn’t think he would escalate it to last night.
It feels good to type all that out but I also want to know where this ranks on the “sexual deviancy” scale. Harassment? A soft assault? God it feels weird that I’m even asking this question.
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self.offmychest
|
Checking myself into a hospital today I’ve been off the rails for the past few months emotionally. This year hasn’t been great. My dad overdosed 7 months ago and it’s taken a huge toll on almost every aspect of my life. The love of my life left me and I’m pretty sure it’s because I wasn’t taking care of myself enough and it was too much for him. Now we don’t even talk. My best friend told me I was toxic on Christmas Eve and I lost her too. I’ve been drinking way too much. I’ve been smoking too much and I’ve been getting high. I’ve been making horrible decisions because I just haven’t felt like my life is worth living anymore. Last night I feel like I finally collapsed and it became apparent to me that I need some help. I spent an hour on the side of the road on the phone with my therapist while he talked me off the ledge and in a few hours I’m driving myself to inpatient. I’m so scared and I’m so lonely, I just hope it helps.
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self.offmychest
|
Nothing feels worth it. I'm stuck at home with my mother who treats me as her emotional punching bag. The dissertation that I've put blood, sweat, and tears into (and a significant amount of cash for a dissertation coach) might have been a waste. I have to file for a suspension of programme regulations. I have no idea what that means other than I might not be able to turn it in at all. My friends are all 4,000 miles away. And so is my boyfriend. But he cheated on me with the person he's been living/working with for the past few months (and will continue to do so for an as yet undetermined number of months more). Not once, not twice, but four times. And I don't know if I'm trying to make it work because I think it's worth it. Or if I'm just afraid of dying alone otherwise. And I'm just feeling tired and done.
|
self.bipolar
|
Motivation. I just have no motivation to go in to work. I've missed 3 days this week. I need to figure shot out. I mean, my partner still isn't working yet so it's still all on me.
I'm also strongly considering wiping myself down with baby wipes and calling myself clean.
Does anyone else have trouble with motivation?
I'm also weaning off Latuda right now and wondering if that is affecting things
|
self.bipolar
|
Super Anxious About Wisdom Tooth Removal & Keep Delaying It - Ideas to Calm my Nerves? Hello.
My two lower wisdom teeth have been in pain and bothering me for some time now, on and off, and my dentist has recommended they be removed. I have already had a consultation with the dental surgeon and although he answered all of my questions, I still feel soooo anxious about the whole process.
I have read horror stories online, and have fears about nerve damage (even though my teeth are not touching a nerve, although it runs underneath), the freezing not wearing off, extreme pain, the effects of the oral sedation medications, not healing properly, and pretty much every worst case scenario you can think of.
I am delaying booking the actual appointment to have them removed because I am just paralyzed by fear and cannot bring myself to do it, even though I know it needs to get done sooner rather than later.
Has anyone had this experience and can help me? Any ideas or strategies to help calm my nerves so that I am able to book this appointment and go through with it?
Thanks so much.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone feel like you can't talk to doctors/therapists/counsellors about your existential thoughts? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Once more this has happened, and keeps happening every day... Every time I’m in a conversation with people, they don’t seem to pay attention to me. They just continue to listen to each other and don’t seem to care about what I have to say. I try to join the conversation, but I just feel left out. Why is this happening to me, am I really that fucking boring???
|
self.depression
|
Hello. Uh, I just needed to share this. Backstory real quick of myself; 21, F, junior majoring in computer science. I have anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Anxiety was very high in my first two years, but recently was diagnosed with depression and my suicidal thoughts have gone up as well. Okay to the thing >
In my American literature class, we were told to write a sentence or two down that would be portrayed in a gothic text, and I wrote, “as death came closer, with his haunting figure, his dark ripped clothing, and his newly polished scythe, I felt a moment of peace before my existence shattered in my mirror of life. The last shard, only holding the essence of which my being is, is now forever lost.”
As I wrote this, I somehow felt like this spoke to me and how my depression makes me feel and what I perceive. Shortly after this, I made an appointment with my counselor. I took my disorder into my own hands to overcome it, by seeking help. Sometimes most people who have these thoughts don’t really reach out for help and that’s a stigma that I’m trying to overcome. Always remember that there is someone out there that you can talk to and get at least a little to a lot of help. You’re not alone because I’m going through it too. ~Taz
|
self.depression
|
Nothing worse than seeing your only friend dating someone I almost feel sick in a way
Like I'm going to lose my only friend I have
I feel actually sick like I feel it in my throat like I'm gonna cry
I mean it's not the first time my friend has been on dates but this time it's getting to me
I feel so selfish about this and that's why I will never bring it up and just hope my friend won't lose interest in me I guess
|
self.depression
|
What do you think? Should someone kill themselves in there home or somewhere else. I think if you kill yourself in the house your family would think more of your death. Would it be better to do it somewhere else? Also how painful would it be to hang yourself?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Today I had a tactile hallucination of my dead cat and it kind of ruined my day. I had to put my cat down a few weeks ago. The usual story applies: my cat was sweet, silly, and knew when to come lay on my chest when I was having a shitty day. She was even trustworthy around an obnoxious toddler. She never bit or scratched me once, even with all the goddamn medical poking and prodding I did on her the last 2 years. I miss her dearly. I think winter is feeling extra lonely right now because she would seek me out as a source of heat and we'd lie there for hours reading.
Last night I was missing her so badly I flat out asked my girlfriend to come cuddle with me...she did, which was nice. This morning, somewhere between sleeping and waking up, I moved around and I swore I could feel my cat climb up on my chest. I felt her little ears and moved my hand to pet down her back. I was overjoyed and kept saying her name (in my head or audibly, I'm not sure). The voices in my head questioned how this could be...but other voices piped up and said it didn't matter. The first voices pointed out that her fur now felt strangely like the plush blanket I had but I tried to smother them with my happy feeling, which was overwhelming all sense. Her sweet personality and presence was so palpable (literally) as I lay there, petting my bunched-up blanket (as it must have appeared).
I'm not a religious person, and I realize the brain is capable of creating its own realities, but it really felt like she knew I missed her and her spirit was paying me a visit.
It was amazing to get that sensation again of having her nestle down into my chest, but it also scraped afresh the wound of losing her. The day I took her to the specialist, she seemed ill but not acutely so. She had kidney failure and IBS which I'd been managing through food and medication and I'd finally sprung for an ultrasound ($$$) at the fancy vets after she stopped eating. They took her back for an ultrasound (even though I thought I'd already scheduled it when I made the appointment) and she ended up being back there in her cat carrier for the next 4.5 hours. They came out and told me that another "sicker" animal had come in and had been pushed to the front, cutting her in line. Finally they got her in and it turned out that she was quite gravely ill, with a mass pushing against her guts. They gave her less than 24 hours to live, and actually pulled me out of line to convince me to to do the euthanasia (or $5K surgery with very uncertain odds) because I tried to go home with her. Then they kept trying to tell me I "did the right thing". It didn't feel right. Nothing felt right about that day and I didn't particularly need their judgement of my actions. Euthanasia aside, I felt like a shithead for not advocating for my cat better. If she were to die, her last hours shouldn't have been spent zipped up in a cat carrier being surrounded by terrifying sights and sounds and people she didn't know. I wish they'd let me take her home. Nine hundred dollars later, I had a dead cat and a feeling that I'd really let her down. It meant a lot to me that she trusted me so much and in her last hours I hadn't done what was right.
Anyway...today I just can't stop crying, thinking of my intense dream/hallucination and all the memories it stirred up. I miss you, Mouse. I'm sorry I didn't speak up for you.
Good kitty.
|
self.offmychest
|
Am i overreacting? So theres this friend of mine that ignores my texts mid conversation then texts again like nothing happened. It seems being ignored is my biggest trigger.
I hv told her a dozen times that i get really hurt nd she apologizes but continues with this behavior.
Am i really over reacting or is this a relationship i should end?
|
self.depression
|
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