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One More Chance One thing I have learned from my time spent with depression is that when you tell someone you are depressed, or they see your scars, or they get a glimpse of what you are going through, it is like being a deer in the headlights. It is like having a loved one tell you they have cancer. So many people don't have the first idea how to respond. Some might pull together the generic "You'll be okay." statement. Some laugh it off even if you are serious. Some will just try to change the subject. It is just a really hard thing for people to comprehend for the first time.
.
It is tough on the person with depression too. You hear the same bullshit from so many. They laugh at something you are seriously struggling with. They try to ignore something that is consuming you. It is very discouraging. However, you need to understand that this doesn't mean they don't want to help. I encourage you to confront them about it again. You would be surprised at what a followup can do.
.
I know it can be hard to confront someone about your situation once, let alone twice. It is something that is really necessary though. The first time is going to shock the person. They aren't going to handle how they would want to. It is the second time that you bring it up that they will be less shocked and more able to respond in a way that they would actually want to respond.
.
To give a personal example, just so you know I am not spewing BS, I had a good friend of mine in my Freshman year of high school. She was loving, pretty, and as far as I knew, happy. This all changed one day. She sat down in one of our classes just like every other day. The only thing different was that she had gotten a new watch. She leaned over to me and started showing me. First the top, and then she rotated her arm to show me the bottom. On the inside of her forearms, I saw scars and cuts as fresh as that morning. I looked up at her and just had a really overly concerned face. She realized what had happened, pulled down her sleeve and kinda just ignored me the rest of class. I didn't say a word to her. Later that day, before we had left to go home, she came up to me and talked to me about her situation. I won't go into detail, but what happened is she gave me another chance to help her. This let us find the root of her problem together and I got to help her get everything back on track over the course of that year.
.
Please, just give people more than one chance. They deserve it, and so do you.
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self.depression
|
Lonely for no reason I have great friends and I've been talking to this cute girl who seems to like me, but... ugh. I still feel so lonely. And it just feels inescapable because I have all these people that I should like around me.
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self.depression
|
When I think about problems When I think about alll my obstacles or things I need to do l, I sometimes think "kill yourself, that will stop them all". Or like if I think of stupid stuff I've done or all the mistakes I've made I just think "kill yourself they won't matter anymore"
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self.depression
|
Going back to work today My job is pretty low stress, I'm a janitor at a college but for some reason my anxiety is just through the roof right now. Does anyone have any techniques with coping with anxiety at work?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My Mask. Its meant to be read like a nursery rhyme. Long time lurker, first time poster. There's a lot more meaning behind the words and I meant it to be a generalization of what my mask represents. First time I've written anything like this but I felt the need to get it out there.
I like my mask, I wear it everyday.
My Mask is made up of all the best things one could find, you could say.
My Mask is seen by many, it's worn to give people hope, but, most importantly, it helps me to cope.
Some days my mask is as light as a feather and fits me nice and tight.
Sometimes it's easy to wear and brings people much delight.
My Mask is now a part of me, or so I'd like to think.
I'd like to take it off for some, even if it's just for a wink.
I'd like to think my mask and I are one in the same, although I feel without my mask I'll only be filled with shame.
|
self.depression
|
Why is it so hard to break free from it [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Doubt Lioness aggress my doubtful mind
Inherently it wanders getting lost from time to time
Mistaking truth for shadows tangling up in twisting vines
So lioness aggress my doubtful mind
Warrior pierce my bleeding heart
Its agony for love I fear will tear itself apart
Afraid to face the smoking dim lit mirror eclipsing its own spark
So warrior pierce my bleeding heart
Lover understand my reckless ways
After all you taught me it takes light to find the shade
I've wandered all my life to know the solace of your gaze
So lover understand my reckless ways
Father please take pride in all my days
It's hard watching you wither while your light remains the same
Our joy is cloaked in sorrow for we all must fade away
So father please take pride in all my days
Mother may you cradle me in love
Your voice is soothing like the cooing of a turtle dove
Absent of your warmth my gaze turns upward toward the sun
I'm blind when I'm not cradled in your love
Brother may you take me as I am
Never to retreat though at the gates of hell we stand
Anytime you stumble I'll be there at your command
So brother may you take me as I am
Sister may I sweeten your bitter tongue
Hosting fiendish ghosts that hold your blooming spirit down
There's no need to fight just float the rhythm of this song
So sister may I sweeten your bitter tongue
Daughter keep a green tree in your heart
A little bird will come and your bright eyes will be besot
When you let it go it will always wander home
So cultivate the green tree in your heart
Little bird make this green tree your nest
Singing sweet the melody that whispers in the wind
Tranquilize equanimity the energy within
Oh Little bird make this green tree your nest
Son bask in all life's wonder while you can
One day you'll talk about it but you'll never understand
How all these little treasures used to fit inside your hand
So son bask in all life's wonder while you can
John baptise me in God's holy light
Pour over me like Saul and shed the scales from my eyes
Rendering my soul while straightening my crooked spine
So John baptise me in God's holy light
Judas betray me with your soft kiss
For thirty silver dollars lead them to my garden bed
I love you all the more for you know not what you did
So Judas betray me with your soft kiss
Child may I fuel your growing flame
As our youth begins to fade so does our little fire dim
Forgotten beneath bushels stifled both by fear and blame
So child may I fuel your growing flame
Our feelings they are waves atop the crest
Crashing on foreign beaches smoothing stones and sifting sand
We gather them in buckets but we still are just a speck
Our feelings they are waves atop to crest
Arctic shard please house my lone spark
Steal away the pleasures of the warmth beneath my hearth
Alone without these comforts I will grow to love the dark
So Arctic shard please house my lone spark
And once we've walked our lonely paths enough to grow
Perhaps our threads will cross and we will build ourselves a home
Before our hearts are too broke down to leave we oughtta go
It's ok to be alone
Then Earth I will join in your cosmic dance
Flowing through my body the electrostatic transe
Treading murky waters glow the infinite expanse
Oh Earth I will join in your cosmic dance
Cosmos I will breathe your ancient tome
Through entropy and agony I'll hum the ancient drone
The peak of evolution is loving everything that grows
So cosmos I will breathe your ancient tome
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self.bipolar
|
How did you out your illness to your family? (xpost Bipolar). Newly diagnosed, have told a few friends, not sure how, or if to tell my parents. I reached out via email for help when I first thought i had problems about a decade ago, they never responded, that hurt like heck.
So now, I'm in the middle of being handed the keys to the family business, and I've just been diagnosed, started medication, talk therapy starting soon, things are actually looking up for the first time in a bloody long time, but I know that if the discussion goes poorly, I'll probably handle it poorly.
I thought about first asking them to watch 'The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive', but that's bloody long.
What did other people do, how did it go?
Also, side note, why is there Bipolar & BipolarReddit? they seem pretty similar, but the former has more subscribers, presumably many the same?
EDIT:
So, cats out of the bag, found out my little sister (very autistic, non verbal) was doing poorly, ever since they had put her on Zoloft she’d been getting more and more energy, started ripping her hair out (literally), biting herself, hitting things, self harm within her resources and capacity basically... I was realised if I’m bipolar she probably is to, so I told my parents because yeah, we’re genetically related so yeah, being non-verbal there isn’t really a way she could relay it to anyone.
What happened next? Mum said ‘yeah, I thought so, you’ve always been either 50% or 150%’, and dad just wanted to know if i was okay and was it under control, sister said she had really bad depression so could half relate to me.
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self.bipolar
|
crushing on my classmate I've always been super picky about what I find attractive in men. So I don't really date and I'm super cynical about love.
My ideal mate is kind, funny, and extremely intelligent. I have a hard time finding crushes or dating because if I think a guy is attractive most of the time they end up being disappointing in some other quality.
This semester I finally found someone I thought was interesting. He's the top student in our class, also not bad looking. While he's not much of a joker it's easy to talk to him and have a good conversation. After getting to know him and working with him, I began to fall for him because brains and kindness are my weakness. He has just checked off all my preferences and I had an "I want to marry this guy" moment.
Today, I found out he has a girlfriend and I'm quite heartbroken about it. Mostly because this seems to happen to me every time I like someone. It just feels like I'm super shit at being able to find someone to date and it makes me feel like I'll never find anyone.
And I have no reason to feel super heartbroken but somehow it still hurts.
|
self.offmychest
|
I want something.. ..and I don't know how to get it.
Fuck. I don't even know what that 'something' is.
I'm 18 trying to beat the living shit out of depression but i feel like it's more than that.
I've been through so many phases of thinking i've found the answer to all my problems, all of your problems...everyone's problems.
But....POOF.
Gone.
It's like I've been given the key to the universe.
But not given only teased with it. It makes me want more, it gives me the hope to carry on.
I just want to run away, not from my house not from my country, but my mind. I want to find things very few people have found, I want to meet new people from all corners of the globe.
I want.
Everything.
Those small feelings you feel I can feel. I don't fucking know why. I feel you. You get me?
Like i'm a magnet, I drain those horrible feelings from you all I take them in and a try to destroy them to make you happy.
Only I destroy myself. I'm crumbling, everyday is better yet worse.
"What is my purpose" says anyone with a brain.
Your purpose is to live. To live happily. To understand that life implies death. That night is day. That we are all here together.
So why aren't we all together? I mean most of us have got facebook and snapchat maybe even instagram and so on...
But we are all so disconnected.
I've been looking into the energy of the universe, I laughed at it. "HA! Bullshit"
Nah.
I was wrong.
Tap into it, feed it back, give, return, everything happens in perfect sync. Everything.
We are all the same it's the biggest fuck ups of them all who put us down.
They live on money. They will die on money. They return only to keep us down to try and stop us.
Imagine now. We all come together to try something. We all put our minds to one thing, all try to change one thing at a time. Imagine how far we can go. The possibilities, are.....endless.
We can not be stopped.
We do not stop.
We must change.
We are mother fucking human.
Wake up tomorrow, force a smile on your face and make a difference, no matter how small it is.....you've made a difference.
I'm here for YOU, WE are ALL here for EACH OTHER
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self.offmychest
|
I had a nose job when I was 17 that destroyed my life. Now 20 years later I just want to die. I have no money to fix it neither I want to cause Im scared it get worse and Im traumatized so I cant have another surgery. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I asked the universe if I should go off my meds or not and I'm getting inconclusive answers Fuckkkk
|
self.bipolar
|
I don’t really know if I deserve to be happy. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I graduated from college today! Five (and a half) years ago, I barely graduated high school with a 1.8 - it was nowhere near my proudest moment, but I had a really rough time in high school with untreated depression, especially in my senior year. Afterwards, I felt aimless and thought that I was going to be stuck at community college, living at home, working a part time retail job forever, and that I would never get out of a toxic relationship which I learned much later was abusive. But after two years, I had gotten my grades up enough to transfer to a university.
And I could have never imagined where the past three and a half years were going to take me, but I'm so grateful for the ride it took me on - both the highs and the lows. And now today I graduated magna cum laude with a degree in my passion, as an alumna of both my sorority and honor fraternity, with my family, best friend, and new boyfriend (who is the healthiest and happiest relationship I've ever had) all sitting proudly in the audience.
I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I've already posted all over my different social media, so I don't want to overdo it. But I just needed to express just how happy and content with life I am right now.
:)
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self.offmychest
|
On the depression assessment at the doctor I always check the “never” box on “Have you had any thoughts of self harm or suicide”. It’s not true, but I’m afraid I’ll go back to the psych ward if I answer honestly. Does anyone else do this?
|
self.depression
|
This is my note Antonio, I hope you work on your anger. I love you so much but you can't even see it because you're just mad all the time. Wish I could've been a better girlfriend to you. You mean the world to me. I wish i could give you the world. Sorry. I'm so in love with you. <3
Mom, you did everything right and don't ever question yourself, ever. Thank you SO MUCH. Im so sorry and I love you.
Dad, I remember hearing the garage door open and running for my life to hug you before you left for work. It's one of my most cherished memories. I love all the arguments we've had and that you taught me to argue politely. Thank you. I love you.
Tom, sorry we left off on a bad note. You're going to be ok, I promise. I love you.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish my boyfriend would lose weight and I feel pretty bad about it I love my boyfriend (19M) very much, and we both make efforts to communicate when we have relationship issues etc. He’s overweight, and he has told me he really needs to lose weight for health reasons (he has a foot problem that might put him in a wheelchair in a few years if he doesn’t). When we started dating a few months ago, he lost a lot of weight, which was actually linked with a bad bout of depression. I must admit that despite the unfortunate circumstances, I was physically more attracted to him at that time, when he was thinner. Now he’s put on a lot of weight again, which is great as a sign of psychological recovery. But I keep wishing he would be more careful about his eating. Him becoming chubbier has made sex more complicated, and I can’t help feeling less sexually attracted to him. I often struggle to get aroused and have never had a orgasm (we’re young so I suppose it’s not completely abnormal but I still feel frustrated about it).
What stresses me out the most is that although he often complains and feels self-conscious about his body and says he wants to lose weight, he has bad eating habits that he doesn’t seem to question. I consistently eat about half of what he does when we eat together, and he seems to find it normal to have a starter or cheese or ice cream with every meal... so we always have this moment in front of the fridge where I’ll take something that’s perfectly reasonable for a whole meal for me and he says it’s not enough and picks a bunch of other things. It really irritates me and stresses me out more than it should because I know he actually wants to lose weight but feel that’s he’s not doing anything for jt to happen.
He knows that I wish he would make more efforts but I don’t want to nag him and make him feel ashamed or like I don’t love him or something. I do love him but this bugs me every time we eat together and it’s becoming very stressful.
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self.offmychest
|
I hate university,every second of it. I hate university,I hate EVERY second of it,I have to endure 8 hours of pain 4 times a week just for some stupid grades for a uni that i didn't even want,I wanted to major in medicine but my high school grades were not good enough so i ended up studying dentistry,I thought i'd make a great surgeon,I know i had the potential,ever since i was a child i just loved everything about surgery,it was my passion but because of some STUPID grades i couldn't achieve my dream.
Now i have to deal with people that i don't like,go to a university that i hate,study subjects that i didn't want,I don't know how to deal with the people in my uni,we're just not the same mindest,they're just so TRIFLE that it frustrates me,they have no goal in life,their conversations are pointless and boring,I just remain quiet,I remain quiet most of the time,I don't even like to speak with people anymore,This depression won't go away,I just can't stop thinking about missing my dream,because of some stupid grades and country,I don't know how to endure the pain of these 5 years,I want to drop out of uni,I want to go back to childhood,I don't want to have any responsibllities,life is so unfair,It's just too much...
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self.offmychest
|
Work Stress and Anxiety Recently my job made some changes overnight to my job description and it's caused some issues. I have been relatively okay, avoiding triggers, but the new job role I have been given with no choice has definitely flared my anxiety. Basically, I was hired to do a customer support chat job. This is good for me because it's less stressful and I don't have panic attacks any time I speak with a customer. Anyway, they have decided that half the day we will be taking calls. I was told last week and had a panic attack, hyperventalting, and ultimatlry threw up when I attempted to take a call. I was told either take more calls, or call out. So I called out. I missed the next two days of work because I lost sleep and spent the whole night crying. This is hard for me because I will lose my job if I don't take these calls, and I can't take the calls with out experiencing severe anxiety, palpitations and chest pain. I don't know how to cope and how to do this and now the thought of losing my income has made my anxiety worse. I don't know what to do.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm just like so fucking sad I'm fucking losing it ,I feel so sad and empty, in someway i love it when the sadness hits me because I can actually feel something, but the rest of the time I feel absolutely nothing, life feels like a dark void. I'm 15, friends, i have a caring mother who i absolutely adore, father eh.. Alcoholic etc, lost a girl who meant a lot to me, and actually made me feel happy and now i'm just in this dark place... and no she did not die. Of course there are happy times but at some point of the day it just ends up me drowning in sadness, and honestly it gets me to a point where i'm ready to end my life. I was on this medication but it made me feel (ABSOLUTELY) nothing and it was terrible, so fuck that. But now i'm just completely lost in this dark place, and it feels like there is no way out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It's not a matter of "if" anymore, it's a matter of "when" [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I self harmed again I haven’t stopped crying and honestly I’m still debating grabbing the razor and slitting my wrists just to get it over with.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know how to be a person I'm a 21 year old college student who withdrew from school this semester. All my life i've just been a passive observer of life, never really getting involved and never taking "action" so to speak. I never cultivated any hobbies interests or talents, I dont have any friends. I just did the work that was required of me (memorizing concepts) and now I have a hollow empty existence. I'm not sure what I should be doing at any moment, I cant make any decisions. I dont know how to be a person who just goes about their day, doing things and saying things because literally nothing is in my head. My whole life has just been school work and then aimlessly surfing the internet, and now I feel like I'm screwed for life. How do I cultivate a personality when I haven't done anything with my life but I'm too afraid to do anything or know where to turn to? I literally copied this guy's personality and viewpoints sophomore year of college because it was something to be other than my boring self who is paralyzed by indecision, but i regret it immensely. How would I ever have another friendship or relationship when I have nothing to say? I have no goals or long term dreams. I'm paralyzed. Suicide seems like my only option, I wasted my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Broke down crying at work today. Totally threw me off. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else not take medication?
What things do you do day to day to help stay within the mood or mental state you're comfortable in?
|
self.bipolar
|
Out of options I have to either go to class, fail everything, and be fucked for graduation, or still be fucked for graduation, except this time my parents call 911 on me and ship me off so I’m no longer their problem.
No matter how horrible my anxiety is my mom will always push me to the limit and this time it’s off the edge. I’m going to kill myself tonight.
Edit: Next day, still alive. Remind me to not do bleach next time, you can’t keep the shit down long enough to kill you. +1 for evolution I guess. They’re probably going to kick me out of school, so I’ll have to transfer or say fuck it and get a GED.
Edit 2: Still alive, trying to OD now after the shitty bleach attempt earlier.
Edit 3: Popped a bit of everything we had in the house, smoked a bowl, passed out. Still here.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate myself so much, its got to be genetic, there's nothing I can do to change I hate myself. I'm so fucking stupid. I self-sabotage all the damn time. I will never be happy. I feel trapped inside myself and I just want to scream. I'm so lonely. I do everything alone. I've tried my best to stay in shape and look after my appearance, but none of that helps me find a partner because I feel petrified of romance.
I missed my only opportunities to do something and stayed at home instead. I won't have another opportunity like this for months.
There is nowhere I can go and nothing I can do.
I used to think that maybe one day I would be happy after graduating, having a good job and getting married, having a bunch of children...But I know that won't make me happy either. I would be too scared to ruin the lives of innocent little kids with my erratic, unpredictable depressive moods.
I wish I could make an agreement with someone. I wish we could guarantee that we would get married and live our whole lives together no matter what.
I'm so scared of getting older and having nobody...Dealing with my parents dying and having nothing.
Ultimately I don't care about anything except my own misery. I'm so fucking fake but I have to be fake in order to seem like an actual human being. I feel like everything is just a lie.
If I met someone I could see a future with, I would give them fucking everything. I really want to love someone and have them love me, and put them above myself. I would support them in any way I could.
I feel like I'm going to die of cancer. I just have this feeling. I'm not supposed to grow older, or have a family. I'm supposed to die and that is why I feel so wrong to be alive.
This is my brain. It's deep inside my brain and it can't be fixed. It's always been there even when I was a toddler. My family is all fucked up and sad. There isn't much strength in us and there is no joy.
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self.depression
|
I want to do something but I dont There's so much stuff I have to do. I thought I was on the upswing and I was doing really good, and I was going to be much better, but then I get a series of days where I hate myself, everything about myself, everything else, my reality, and the fact I can't muster the energy to move my limbs and do something good. Again. It's not like I don't have the calories to move... God knows that.
Im in bed again. Id sleep but people keep waking me up, so I'm feeling quite sorry for myself because of that. People must be so sick of me.
|
self.depression
|
Why would someone who broke up with you isolate themselves from everybody? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
(Since I can't post a "self" in politics) Now that Trump has passed the tax bill, I'm predicting the GOP will ease off him or try to get rid of him now. Doubt this is the right sub. I can't figure out another one to post in.
Basically since he's been saying he was going to "drain the swamp," I doubt they liked that, so they've been nice to him and got him to pass their huge tax bill, so now they can start walking away from him.
What has been up with these republicans? When did it all become about money? I'm not a history buff so maybe it's always been that way. But I used to like some of those guys. Now they're so selfish and they'll probably be losing my vote next election.
|
self.offmychest
|
Restless What do you do when you’re anxiety is high and you feel restless, but you’re too fatigued to do anything?
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel like my relationship with my (first) girlfriend is slowly taking its toll on my mental health, and it's not even her fault... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I need help with food Hey guys,
My anxiety has been out of control for the last 2 months. I’ve lost every ounce of appetite I had. I’ve lost 16 pounds, which isn’t huge but 12 of it was in the first 2/3 weeks.
Does anyone have any tips to get me to eat a little more? Without forcing myself and feeling like I wanna puke.
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self.Anxiety
|
I can't do this anymore I need help.
I can't stop thinking about how if I go back up to my room I could easily overdose and end it all.
I have a meeting with my support worker now (kind of)
I'm gonna try to tell him, but it scares me that if I don't, I could end up not being alive after tonight.
I don't know what he can even do though.
I kinda feel like telling him is pointless coz I'll probably.just chicken out as usual, but idk, something feels different this time...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My chicken just died My family has two chickens. Late this morning I went outside to check on them and I could only see one of them, but I didn't think too much of it, I figured the other was somewhere deep in our backyard doing something. Later I went out again and could still only see one of them, so I looked for the other one.
I looked in their normal hiding spots and quickly realized it wasn't running around anywhere in our yard. There are small gaps in our fences, so I hoped it got through one of them or jumped over into the neighbors yard. Then I found its body under a bush. There was a trail of feathers behind it, it had a big scratch on its side and there was a hole where its head used to be.
I can't remember ever being this sad before. I've had two grandparents die since I've had depression and I didn't even cry when they passed or at their funerals. I just felt numb. Now I'm actually crying. As bad as it feels, this is the first time I've cried in months and I'm proud that I still can. I thought I wouldn't feel emotions this strong again, and for some reason being this sad gives me hope that I can be happy again, too.
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self.depression
|
Spiral into depression again after that last time with the girl at [Disneyland](https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/701ol5/depressed_since_when_i_cannot_remember_just_had) it turns out she was just leading me on the entire time. Here we go again, I guess. Time to focus on purely work instead of these meaningless relationships ¯\\\\_(ツ)_/¯
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self.depression
|
Thoughts on 14 and why I don't like emotions [NAW] 3 years ago when I was 14, I found porn on my dad's phone. That's not a normal thing. Or is it?
I would go to school and people were normal and kind. This is when I stopped trusting it: that anyone was who they said they were. But I was heartbroken and I kept going back to his phone when he wasn't near it to see if he was cheating on my mom. I found out that he would visit women's houses and see them at strip clubs. I thought, at least my mom will divorce him now. She didn't.
I was so angry that year. I was reeling. I think I am still reeling, but I try to remember that it was a long time ago and others have it worse than me.
Well, we found out this year that he was still doing these things.
And I love my mom. It's hard for us to still live under the same roof as him as she tries to save up for a divorce. We all work so hard to keep it together day by day, to not explode, but every once in a while something breaks and you can see where the cracks are. He called her a b and said watch what I'm going to do to you and he said she was the hypocrite. Now he's using my brother as a weapon against her even though he's not a weapon, he's a kid. He has hurt us all so bad.
But I try to think positive. I go to therapy. I take pills. I watch funny video after funny video. I talk to my mentor. But there is nothing I can do to make this situation even a little okay. I try so hard not to beat myself up about little things and burst into tears when I'm driving, or trying to sleep, or walking through town, but I do. And I failed a class, but still I joke around and laugh and read affirmations and listen to beautiful music because no one likes someone who is depressed and complains all the time. I just run like hell from myself, from feeling, and from being human but maybe it's okay to worry and be hurt because nothing about this is normal. Every day I want to be more resilient, more brave, more free, more happy, more fun to be around. Why am I hurting? None of this is even about me.
I hope this isn't normal. I worry that horrible things happen behind every closed door even though people act happy like I do. We all have stories.
People close to me ask me how I am and I don't know what the right answer is. Do I tell them that two weeks ago I was scared about losing my scholarship and wanted to hurt myself? Or do I tell them that I'm going on a trip next week with my awesome grandmother as a graduation present? Do I tell them I can't even keep track of how many times I've called a suicide hotline this semester? Or do I tell them I love all my professors? Do I tell them that I don't think my mom has been happy for the past 10 years and I miss her? Or do I tell them that last weekend when it snowed, my dog loved to eat it and she made me laugh?
Because all of it would be true. The joys and pains don't take turns, they happen all at once. I'm overwhelmed and confused and tired of not knowing what to feel or what to do. And no one is fucking saying anything. I sometimes pray that they would just fight already, just have it out, because the silence drives me insane, the silence makes me wonder if she will fall in love with him again. Or maybe we're all waiting for things to explode and for him to finally hit her.
I'm 17. I'm halfway out the door to living at college. The things people use to console me just make me feel like it's not okay to feel this way. I worry. It's cute when you ask for reassurance once, but 7 times? My mentor's made herself available to me and she is kind and loving, but I just don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't want her to pull away. I don't want to get hurt again. And I don't want to be the person who bad stuff happened to and is depressed because I know I am more than that. I am so much more than that. Maybe I waste my time feeling sorry for myself. These should be the best days of my life. But shit hurts right now.
I'm crying alone. I always cry alone. I sometimes wish I could burst into tears surrounded by people I love just once so they could see me really and tell me it's going to be okay. What if therapy is just another stepping stone in my relentless but futile pursuit of perfection? Because, I mean, what's the point of going to therapy to be happier in life if my therapist tells me that I need to feel the bad things too? Maybe I don't have anxiety and depression. Maybe I just have a horrible dad.
When I was 14, my dad said I was trying to start an anarchy in this house. He called me a hypocrite out to get revenge. He said he always thought I was bipolar and he was going to tell my mom I needed to get evaluated. I cried when he left the room then. I don't know why that hurt so much. Things have always been bad, but ever since I was 14, they've been worse. One time last year when I was talking to my mom about some random thing, he said I whisper like Satan. He always said I made him miserable after he was having a wonderful morning when I would get to the car late before he drove me and my brother to school. And he tells my brother he hopes he doesn't turn out like me. He threatened to hit me one time and I just kept talking back, praying that he would please hit me so we could finally get out of the situation, but he's too smart for that. Since middle school, me and my dad just haven't spoken to each other that much. I'm afraid of him. I keep waiting for something to explode.
He destroyed my self esteem, which is the most important thing, and he destroyed my faith in other people. Because maybe they, too, put on a charming face but hurt their children. Maybe it's just tough love like he says. Why does he act so normal sometimes? It makes me forget why I'm not talking to him, why I'm trying to stay out of the house as much as possible, why I won't forgive him like God says I should. Is this what gaslighting is?
It's 1pm and I have a job interview tomorrow. I've been a mess for the past few weeks.
I don't want advice. I don't want something that will make me laugh. I don't want to be told that I'm strong or resilient. I want to think about it. I want to talk about it. This is silly and childish, but what I truly, desperately want is to cry in my mentor's arms and tell her the whole ugly truth and to just be safe and okay and loved with whatever I am in that moment. And I want him out of the house. Then we will live to fight another day. And maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe that's self-pity. Maybe that's the wrong way to heal. But bad things are there and I'm tired of pretending that they're not and that it's just in my head. There is a reason we hurt in all the wrong places. I wish I could undo what happened to each of us, but like Sarah Kay said, sometimes my hands are just too small for all the pain I want to catch. Not everything can be resolved, but we are still here and I live for the hope that someday, me and my mother and brother will be able to laugh again and it won't be a defense mechanism, but a real living thing.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m at a sleepover but can’t sleep I’ve been looking forward to this sleepover for a week since I never hang out with friends, but now it’s 3am & I’m wide eyed awake wanting to go home.
Idk if it’s because I’m a bit disappointed we didn’t talk much. All we did was watch the office and makeup videos, which is fine I guess but that’s not my style lol I was hoping I could talk to them more about deeper things or something but I couldn’t. I was scared...
This is also the first time in a while where I slept without my bf in 4 years. I’m a bit shaken and restless since he isn’t around. I also smoke weed, but I 100% thought I didn’t need it to go to sleep, but I do need it.
I wish I can close my eyes and wake up and it’ll be morning, but I just keep looking up in the ceiling....what do I do? I just really want to go home and feel safe in my bf’s arms. I also hate myself for not enjoying the sleepover to my max effort. I could’ve done more to get the conversation going, but I just stayed quiet...just quietZ
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self.Anxiety
|
New Years is an hour away and I’m laying in my bed bawling my eyes out [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My anxiety is preventing my boyfriend from going out to see his friends and i feel so guilty I often try to hide my anxiety from my boyfriend so he can go to his friends house and whatnot. However last night, I had a really bad panic attack and I'm not sure why. He is so awesome at taking care of me and he stayed with me even though he was playing games online.
I felt so guilty stopping him from playing games but he didn't care, he just wanted to be with me. He also said that he wouldn't go visit his friends because I was feeling unwell, but I really don't want him to sacrifice his social life just for me.
I just feel a bit horrible about the whole situation. My anxiety already isolates me from everyone, I don't want it to isolate my boyfriend from his friends too. I'm hoping this random panic attack will be the end of it.
I'm 23 and I just want to start making friends already and I want my anxiety to stop holding me and my boyfriend captive. Sorry if that's super dramatic but that's how it makes me feel.
|
self.Anxiety
|
The holiday loneliness & my envy. I am insanely jealous of everyone who is spending time with their families for the holidays.
I wasn’t invited to anything. Anywhere. I joke with my acquaintances and coworkers that I love spending the day alone but I ate takeout IHOP on my living room floor.
I’m just so sad and this insane loneliness is killing me.
I just want to be a part of a family or even a friend group again. Why is this so difficult to find? Seems like everyone found one except me.
Can’t even get responses on Reddit today. So angry and sad and alone and I just needed to get it all out.
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self.offmychest
|
My heart longs and aches for a love like this Today I saw a story multiple places on the internet about a man who brings his deceased wife’s picture with him to the restaurant where they used to eat at together. I watched the story and bawled. He visits her grave so often and the way he talks to her and about her is so touching. I so desperately long for that kind of love. I’ve never experienced anything like that and deep down I’m afraid I never will. I’m afraid I’ll never find someone who loves me that deeply. I’m afraid that kind of love is dying out with the greatest generation. I want someone who would do anything for me, though I wouldn’t ask him to. Someone who will tell me how much I mean to them and that they never want to lose me. He says at the end of the video that true love never has a happy ending because true love never ends. I want this. I want it so badly that I physically ache for it.
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self.offmychest
|
Do you ever make attempts to reach out but just get ignored? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I tried to kill myself It didn’t work and I don’t know what to do now
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self.depression
|
Pregnancy and the cost of going off of meds Hello,
I am trying to find fellow bipolar women who have gone through having a child and what they did to overcome the fear of being off of medications.
I am not currently pregnant but my partner and I would like to start trying within a year. The thought of not being on my meds terrifies me and I am so afraid I won't be able to care for my baby.
Any insight on what to possibly expect would be great. I would also really love to hear from women who didn't have a hard time and those who had a hard road.
I appreciate any help and feedback!
Thank you.
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self.bipolar
|
I (21M) am scared to go to Sweden on holiday because I’m worried people might think I’m a refugee. I want to go to Sweden on holiday and have wanted to for a very long time. However, I’m worried people will see me as a refugee and after reading all the things about a few refugees doing bad things, I’m worried that people will be afraid of me.
I was born in the UK but my parents are from the Middle East. I know that most locals there will be accepting and kind and won’t assume but what about the off chance I meet someone who feels provoked by the refugees.
I feel horrible for thinking this way but what can I do?
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self.offmychest
|
What online therapy or apps do you recommend? I have a few different diagnoses but anxiety is my main concern these days. I don't have a lot of free time or the transportation to get to an office but I really need to start going to therapy again.
Cost is a concern also. I don't expect the service to be free but I'll most likely be paying out of pocket so affordability is important.
I'm located in Massachusetts if that's relevant. My diagnoses are Borderline personality, PTSD, major depression.
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self.Anxiety
|
Help Hello Reddit. I don't know if this is the right place to post this, but I will. I'm a 25 yo dude from Mexico. I've been recently having issues going about most of my days. It all started about 2 years ago. I was on a long-term relationship with my high school sweetheart, and everything was going ok, until I got this sick need to go and fuck around with other girls thinking about getting rid of this feeling of emptiness growing on my chest. I chose the easy way out. I didn't think about it much then, or the people I was hurting but I did it anyways, and I kept going for years. Typing this down and remembering it makes me sick. So, I left her without telling her anything and I just kept it all to myself. Not much after that, this feeling came back and it came back worse. I started having trouble with my parents, and I shut myself down giving everything to work and rocking it (the only thing that kept me going). But always when I went to bed I spent hours thinking about this feeling on my chest, something was missing, something wasn't right. Going out, spending time with friends and family or even fucking around with girls always left me with this thought that it didn't have any special reason, any purpose.
Fast forward to 6 months ago. I met this girl at a party, and oh boy was she special. Asked her out and BOOM, fell in love like never before. 2 months ago she tells me she wants to be alone and needed some time to get over past relationships. Didn't think about it, first time in my life I wanted someone to be truly happy, so I let her go (and she insists on texting me and calling me, sending me funny shit and I don't get it, but the feeling of her still around my life feels fine).
This is when it really starts. As of now, this is my third week with no sleep at all. I get this pounding on my chest and my hands feel numb. I feel like crying most of the time, and I really look like shit. Nothing makes sense, I can't find any purpose on anything I do. First time on my life I didn't shower/eaten anything real for a week. I got hard into alcohol and weed just to forget this blackness surrounding me. I don't have energy anymore, and i'm always thinking about this girl. Deep down inside I know it'll pass, but she triggered something inside me I can't shake off. I can't sleep, I can't eat nor have a normal fucking day without feeling miserable and shitty thinking about her and this aura of loneliness even tho im surrounded with friends.
Some days ago one of the girls I went out with called me and noticed I was down and she took me in, said she wanted to take care of me. I've been for a week living with her and the company is ok, we're like roommates. I can see the love she feels for me on her eyes, but I can't give it back. I don't feel like myself anymore. I need help but I don't know what is going on.
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self.depression
|
When people know that I'm depressed and they treat me so differently (in a way that they are TOO NICE) made me feel even more depressed I don't know. The treatment is too unnatural for me.
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self.depression
|
What am I doing? I've never been into reddit until I found this subreddit. I have been depressed before and got over it with tine and help from my best friends and my family, but now I'm facing something different. I haven't gotten any real sleep in days. Instead, I try to sleep, and just can't. It's been completely draining on me and I'm starting to feel depressed again. Not to the point of contemplating suicide, at least, not yet, but I have been lacking any enjoyment of the things I love. I didn't enjoy my birthday (Halloween) this year, I didn't enjoy playing video games with my friends, and I've been spending my time at night lying in my bed on this subreddit trying to help other people out of their issues. I've broken my own personal motto, to help myself before I help others. How can I expect to help them through depression if I can't help myself out of it? I don't even know what I want anymore. I keep having weird thoughts about things that have never bothered me before, and I can't sleep. I'm worried that if I don't gain control of myself now that I might start getting suicidal thoughts again. I want to stop this before I get there. I'm afraid of myself now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need someone to kill me I'm still a minor, but I'm done, but I still have family and friends and shit. If I could get someone to help look my death look like a homicide in the Ohio area, I will pay you a great deal. Thanks.
Edit:please please please, you can have all of my money
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm going to see my father for the first time in 15 years. Here's to hoping nothing goes horribly wrong.
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self.depression
|
Help I feel like its going to be impossible to shake mt anxiety because of all negative stuff thats happened in my life, i find myself comparing my situation to people who lets say have had a good life untill this point and get it and I keep telling myself that theyll overcome it because theyve had good in their life and I havent even though I know thats not true at all because I have had good in my life and I am a good person, anyone relate? I feel like what I just wrote gives good insight into how my brain is working atm.
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self.Anxiety
|
Scared to go to college because of incident I live in the US and I have GAD, depression, and PTSD. I had a frightening incident at school just after the Parkland shooting. I told the proper authorities about what happened. I spent all day yesterday dreading going to class again today. I have a lot of fears surrounding death since my time as a heroin addict watching my best friends die. I am 6 years clean but am still well aware that people can die at any moment. My family tells me, "There's nothing to be afraid of. If it was serious the police would take care of it." I have a very hard time trusting that.
I plan on seeing a crisis counselor today but I just wanted to see if anyone else is feeling scared to go to college in America these days.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else feel like there's only way this is gonna end? What's the point of prolonging it? Makes me feel like I might as well get it over with
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self.bipolar
|
Opening and closing the same few tabs over and over I feel so braindead I don't even know what to fill my time with. I have actual assignments I have to do for school but it's so mind numbingly painful to do them that I just end up opening and closing the same few tabs over and over, hoping to find something that can spark some interest in me that can distract me from feeling numb... but I just keep opening the same apps/tabs this is just pathetic
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self.depression
|
Give me one reason why I shouldn't die right now [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My counselling session in 2 hours And my anxiety is acting up again🙄 i havesuch a strong urge to just not go but im gonna try to force myself to go. Im sure it'll be much better than what i think but my anxiety hates me i guess
And im kinda scared i'll just choke up and wont be able to talk about it lmao its so weird how im so apathetic yet i might cry just talking about it
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self.depression
|
Any remedies for derealization? I’ve been struggling a lot lately. I’m at work right now and need help getting through this.
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self.Anxiety
|
Paying attention to people Hi, I've been having this problem since forever that I'm talking to someone and I might like that person a lot, or be good friends, it happens even with my mom, and I would get lost in my thoughts while they're talking, and then I have to remind myself that I'm talking to that person. I'm also very quiet and rather be silent for a while.
Is this anxiety related? It makes me feel bad not paying enough attention to a person or just sit there in silence. I also don't want people to think that I'm empty or cold.
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self.Anxiety
|
Why do I look perfect in public but in private I am a wreck I honestly don't know why I look fine in public
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self.depression
|
Some help: I fell and Cant Stop Falling For a month I have been ill: major depression, labile mood, hypomania, mirages etc.
I am in a serious program with a very heavy workload.
My pdoc doesn't know what to do.
My life is like sand running through my fingers.
What the heck do I do.
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self.bipolar
|
Dissociation while driving Yesterday I got in a tiny wreck, no damage done, because I was in a mild dissociative state while driving home from work. I was trying to ground myself, but my usual technics didn’t seem to work. I’m kind of upset about the whole situation and that I won’t tell anyone else about the dissociation because I need to drive to and from work.
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self.bipolar
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my boyfriend goes days without talking to me or inviting me anywhere. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Is the depression is really hitting me now? am i depressed? I know it might seem like its not healthy, after since my ex left me, i pushed away many people who cared about me and i ended up alone. I dont know what are the signs of knowing that you are depressed or having depression? I think too much about everything, i dont even smile like i used to before, im always feeling down and all negatives.
yesterday i went out with my parents and saw how people are happy, having friends, boyfriends, flirting and living their life. then i looked at my self that im a lifeless, prisoner at my family house, friendless and etc. i started feeling more depressed and started t cry, why im soo unlucky? why do i keep on losing friends or never make a relationship work or make the my boyfriends interested in me? am i a bad person? i envy my cousin he has friends and happy life, he has something to all day without getting bored and flirt with girls. he also looks down on me and always talks harshly with me. i dont know why no one likes me or stays with me? is it better if i end up my life?
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self.depression
|
No hope? I'm 15 years old, and I already know I have no future.
I've always been in the accelerated classes, "talented and gifted", etc, but that doesn't mean anything. My only ambition is to get high enough grades to get into whatever college will take me, then get a job to keep me off the streets. All this while they're telling us to " chase our dreams". I don't have any dreams to begin with. Even if I cared I couldn't succeed, since I have terrible social skills and zero attention span.
There really isn't anything I enjoy doing, my parents tell me to join a club or a team, but I don't like any of them. The only things in life I might be interested in are having friends and getting married, but I know that won't happen. I have little social ability and personal attractiveness. I've never had an emotional connection to anyone. I've never experienced mutual attraction, and I know I never will. I'd never kill myself, so I'm left facing 60+ years of emptiness and despair.
Sorry about the rant, I just needed to vent.
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self.depression
|
I feel like a lost cause and I just need to vent [Long] [TL;DR at end] *Note: You should know despite everything I state below I have never thought about self-harm/suicide and am currently in no danger of doing so. For everything about me that's felt worse as time passes I've never been at risk of hurting myself or others. I do not engage in drinking or recreational/abusive tobacco/drug use of any kind, although I am using prescription pills on the recommended dosage.*
For about nine years now I (22/M) have been struggling with what I am sometimes convinced is a moderate to severe depression. In earnest, I think I'm just apathetic and lethargic. It's slowly been sucking any chance I have to experience joy in my life. In spite of that is has been far too easy for me to put on a mask and laugh just to avoid bringing down the mood, but the apathy has slowly infected the mask to the point I've discussed these thoughts and feelings (to no avail) with a few people close to me.
I was doing fine in elementary and middle school in New Hampshire and was doing things regularly outside of going to school and getting good grades. I had a few hobbies like reading and playing baseball. I was and still am introverted, which doesn't bother me at all. But after finishing eighth grade, I gradually began to figuratively dig myself into this pit I find myself in now.
Freshman year of high school was intimidating, but at the time I was merely nervous at making up a larger class size with many kids from the other middle school in the district I did not know, as well as dealing with larger course loads. What I didn't know at the time was I wasn't growing like a lot of my friends from middle school. They quickly embraced their new friends, developed more mature personalities and outlooks, and begun pursuing activities reflecting their interests. Meanwhile I simply went to school, did my work, came home, did my homework, and spent the remainder of my time eating, browsing the internet, playing video games or masturbating. No longer was I participating in any kind of extracurricular activities, nor was I indulging in my hobbies. I stopped hanging out with my middle school friends once they expanded their circles. Sophomore year wasn't much better, and I actually withdrew from my Honors English course because I didn't feel like doing the summer project before the school year started. By the time junior year rolled around I begun to realize something was wrong with me but I foolishly gave myself the benefit of the doubt I was just slow to adjust to high school. I withdrew from Honors Calculus within the first week of junior year because I legitimately could not understand any of the material. In that week I also found out through a technicality I was put in AP US History when I wanted the regular, non-honors course. The duo co-teaching that AP class gave me two weeks to see if I liked it before they would consider a withdrawal. By some miracle I managed to keep up with the course work and stuck with it through the year. Sure I passed the course, but I noticed behaviors through that class I wasn't proud of, namely waiting until 12 hours before the deadline of both major term papers before pulling an all-nighter on both occasions because I was unable to deal with procrastination despite having no obstacles to completing the essays. I know not everyone takes AP courses but I didn't really feel special about completing it. It just felt like another class where I showed up, did the work and got graded. The sole uplifting thing I could take from the class was it inspired me to decide on high school social studies teacher as a good career choice.
Now most juniors/seniors are balancing school, extracurricular activities, a job, getting a driver's license, and applying to college. At least three of those five were doable for many of my peers. With the same general resources and time available I was able to only fulfill the requirements for my high school diploma. I never even attempted getting a job or license, and my only extracurricular was spending a few months in senior year at History Club. Oh sure, I was on a first name basis with most of the senior class now but what I was feeling was getting worse. I saw a school counselor and confided with one of the teachers from the AP class about what I was going through. With the counselor I was at least starting to develop like most of my peers did in freshman year, and she helped me apply to college, but I was nowhere near ready to start living on my own.
I graduated high school in June 2014 then moved with my family to Florida one month later. They wanted to move closer to my stepdad's family. It was a new beginning for us, but I ended up regressing. The one time I tried to do something for myself was getting my first job at a fast food joint that lasted one month before I was let go on account of not working in a timely and satisfactory manner. When you're dying to fight your doubts and prove to yourself you're capable of acting and working like a normal, productive adult, being unable to last a month in fast food doesn't make you feel good whatsoever. I realized me doing nothing outside of school work for four years really put a barrier between me and working in any environment that resembles real life. Oh well, more time for me to stay at home and mooch of my parent's resources while doing nothing productive.
It wouldn't be until May of 2015 my parents got serious about me either working or going to college. My older brother who moved with us found a job at the local supermarket's deli, and referred me to their stock crew. Within a month I had bungled that job to the point they demoted me to bagger because I again failed to adjust to a different environment. By August I sent an application to the local community college and all I had to do was schedule orientation on the phone. Having only been working sixteen hours a week now, i had ample time to call the college. I couldn't find the ability to dial ten goddamn digits on my cellphone to just book a date to go to the main campus. My stepdad had to make the call for me two days before the last orientation for the semester. I got in and fell back to my high school routine of going to school, working, going home and doing homework. I didn't have the luxury of making small talk with people this time around because I knew nobody else in town. Rather than commute on a school bus I had to ask my parents for rides to and from where I needed to go, again I put no effort into getting a license. I again spent my free time browsing the internet and masturbating, not even finding a lot of enjoyment to play games anymore. I just felt like I was coasting, even when the supermarket put me back on stock crew and I somehow understood what to do this time.
This pattern continued until earlier this year, with each passing day making my overall mood worse. I quit the supermarket in April with the excuse I needed more time for school. Somehow I also made two friends at the college, a nice couple. For reasons I still can't explain they took interest in regularly spending time with me outside of class.
Apologies for the lengthy backstory, but this is where I currently am now. I have an Associate in Arts, parents that love me, and friends that care for me and help me. And I don't feel I deserve any of it. I've hardly done anything noteworthy especially given I've had no crises or extenuating circumstances to deal with. The hand I was dealt with in life was very fortunate and I've squandered most of it.
My parents have only been strict when necessary; otherwise they have loved me and supported all my decisions. They give me a roof over my head, food on the table, water in my cup and clothes on my back. I give them rising electricity and internet bills, hardly any help around the house I'm more than physically capable of doing, and interrupting their routine and plans by having them drive me places. I know caring parents will always want to be there for their children but I am at the age where I really shouldn't be taking up their resources. They even got me scheduled with their physician to see how he could help. He diagnosed me with moderate depression, (physically he gave me a clean bill of health,) but the medication did nothing one way or the other except make me a little groggier than usual, and the specialist I was subsequently referred to hasn't had any more success treating this.
My two friends in Florida have given me socialization, a few gifts, free rides to events and restaurants, and have pushed me to take a road signs test for my license (which was six months ago and remains the only progress I've made to it.) I just silently sit in the corner most of the time I'm with them; otherwise I'm acting weird, talking about my problems to them, and on one shameful occasion invading their privacy. When I confessed the day after they were understanding and easily forgave me which just further exemplified why they need better friends than I. For all they do for me I wish they would focus on the issues in their lives instead. It's not fair for them to have to worry about me, put up with what I do to them, and push me just so I can get anything done.
My peers and teachers in high school looked up to me only because they saw a kid getting mostly A's and doing his schoolwork, not the kid that procrastinated like hell and did nothing of substance once he left school grounds. The teacher I've stayed in touch with sees me as someone who will nail the career path he's chosen instead of the lethargic ass who still hasn't finalized their application for their bachelor's.
Once I got my Associates in Arts after July I knew I needed to apply to a different college to continue to a Bachelor's. I had my mind set on a school in Virginia, partially because of the strong history program ,partially because I miss autumn and winter, and partially so I could be truly independent and live on my own, no longer saddling my parents with unnecessary living expenses. Only I applied for the upcoming winter term and I still haven't heard back. I've called earlier this month and was told to be patient before hearing if I was accepted. Every day I tell myself to contact them again and see what is going on, yet I do nothing but watch the time fly.
**This is why I hate myself. This is why I am a lost cause.** In spite of all the moral support, in spite of all the opportunities I can take advantage of, in spite of knowing exactly what I want and need to do in my life to address my problems, **I always choose to sit down and do nothing.** I can't explain why because there is always a thought process in my mind in regards to what I need to do or want to do or should be doing, yet I can't ever figure out why doing the given task is impossible. I'm definitely not physically or mentally unfit for any of the tasks I've given myself, I just don't do them. I'm that much of a lazy asshole. It really frustrates me to see that typed out because it looks so simple to fix, like anyone else in my situation already could've accomplished so much before their 22nd birthday. It's no exaggeration that I'm one of the last people on this planet I'd trust with my life at this point. It's even more infuriating whenever I get a compliment or some recognition for something because if everybody else knew what I knew, they'd have no reason to compliment me. There is no reason to celebrate my accomplishments because they're the bare minimum of not only what I wanted out of me, but what is expected of many teens and young adults in the western world. The same list of things I wanted to address around high school hasn't changed in those six years since. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year from now, I'm still going to be consciously and aggressively thinking about the following:
* Applying to a college and following through with orientation, then the actual coursework towards a degree. At this rate I'll be lucky to start my bachelor's by 2019.
* Being a high school teacher. Aside from the fact I've slowly lost interest in the social studies I doubt I'll be capable enough to handle hundreds of kids every year when I can't even figure out why doing one assignment takes me all the way to the last possible moments before said assignment is due.
* Learning to drive. I wanted to do this before I graduated high school. I guaran-fucking-tee I make no progress on this for at least another year.
* Sleep quality: I've wanted to get better sleep and stop staying up until four or five in the morning. Of course recently I've been getting worse about this.
* Weight: I'm 5'8" and 175lbs. My doctor says that's on the far end of the healthy scale next to being overweight, but I want to trim down because all I see is my weight deposited to my gut and thighs which gives me a nice beach ball shape. I wanted to just start simple and do some push-ups and stretches or go for a walk every day. I've been at that weight for three years now with no change (although recently it's been creeping up to 180)
* Eating: I'd like to eat a healthier diet, yet I constantly raid the cupboards for chips and cookies and the like.
* Cooking/cleaning/house care: Just learning how to prepare some basic meals would go a long way in at least establishing some small thing I can take with me if I ever move away, but the most complex meal I make is the Kraft boxes of mac and cheese or a can of Chef Boyardee. Also there are a lot of basic self-sufficiency skills I have zero proficiency in. Speaking of which...
* Self-sufficiency: I am at the age where I can take care of myself. I am physically and mentally capable of caring for myself. I do not care for myself, whether it is something like regularly engaging in proper hygiene or being able to call and make my own appointments, or push myself to do the smallest task. I hate being dependent on other people because I contribute nothing to my self-sufficiency, which is paradoxical when I think about it because the only way I've made serious progress is to have other people push me or do things for me.
* Experiencing media: I have a nice collection of books and films I'd like to get around to reading and watching, just to enlighten myself. This year I've only read *The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy* and haven't made a dent in my movie watch list. I've listened to the same six albums for three years now. Even in the realm of video games I've got a massive backlog of games I own but have never really played. If I'm going to be killing my free time I at least want to experience something new while I'm doing it.
* Free writing: I have a lot of story ideas that have been floating around in my head for at least five years now. I've gotten exactly one into a first-draft short story and have made no other progress. I tried National Novel Writing Month in 2015 and got 2000 words in before giving up on day 3.
* Scaling back on self-pleasure: I don't think promiscuity or masturbation is sinful by nature, but I'd sure as hell like to be jerking it a lot less. At this point it's so routine I just use it to relax rather than satisfy a desire. By the same token I want to stop having these perverted thoughts that make me unacceptably lust after my friends, that share nothing with how my rational side would actually handle intimacy. (On that note being a kissless virgin is the least of my worries although it gets to me if I'm feeling really bad. I'd rather worry about making myself a better person before concerning myself with having to love someone else.)
The list could be full of smaller things like me worrying about saying/doing something stupid and not realizing it right away, or me actually being invested in the things I falsely claim are current hobbies or interests of mine, or me not learning from my failures and mistakes so I'm bound to repeat them over and over, but those are my biggest issues right now. If only I was a functional human being that, being consciously aware of what improvements to make, could actually make the proper adjustments to better his life. Instead I choose to sit and yell at myself from within my head, never making progress towards my goals, existing as a lost cause. Believe me I've scoured the internet for anything that could help someone in my situation to no avail. I can't take small steps, or break my problems down, or magically will myself to do anything. Taking the first step is impossible for me, and the rest of the road is no less difficult to walk.
I used to daydream about the successes I wanted in life, now I daydream about cutting myself off from everyone around me and living as a hermit on some deserted place, or traveling the country as a homeless man and still contributing as much to society as I am now.
**TL;DR: Been feeling awful about myself for the past nine years. I can't make myself do anything and all my "achievements" are either the result of me coasting and putting in minimum effort, or other people basically doing the task for me. I feel like I'm a lost cause because I can't help myself and I don't want people to stop helping those truly in need to assist me in fixing my life. Despite people looking up to me I feel I'm ignorant, lazy and perverted, and undeserving of praise or recognition.
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self.offmychest
|
You don't get to hate Bregoli I've had this problem happen to me whenever a controversial figure becomes a celebrity. I just feel Danielle Bregoli is the straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't give a shit what she did, what she said, or what kind of person she is. You don't get to hate Danielle. I've said this for Bieber, I've said this for Jake Paul, I've said this for Jacob Sartorious, Adam Sandler and Iggy Azalea and I'll say it again: You don't get to hate an artist. I don't care if you dislike their music. I don't care if you think they're assholes. Until they commit a crime, you don't get to hate them. Even then you hate them for the crime and otherwise you don't. You're an asshole if you do.
Let's go over what these people do for a second. They make art for millions of people to enjoy. You may not be one of those people, but it doesn't change the fact. Millions of people are happy they're there. Some of them have their depression eased off by their art, while others are just there for a good time. They are there to enjoy content unique to their favorite artist. I don't care if you disagree with them. You don't get to shit on an artist that makes millions of people's lives better.
Pewdiepie is the most subscribed person on YouTube. I can't stand his content and don't understand why someone would. I also think he's kind of an asshole, but I don't hate him, because if I did, that would mean I hate someone that makes 53,000,000 people happy. I think Rick and Morty has a toxic fanbase, and find the show immature AND pretentious. I don't hate Harmon and Roiland. I'd be an asshole if i did. You don't get to hate an artist just cause you hate their content, because that opens you up for hate too. I know you like something offbeat. Everyone does. I'll be the first to say I liked Aldnoah Zero and think Furious 7 is the best action movie out there. Some people may hate that content, but they can't hate its creators. You can dislike her content and dissagree with her character, people will understand, but you can't say you hate Bregoli. it makes her fans feel it's not okay to like her. Makes them feel wrong for being weird, and it's not wrong. Everyone's weird. We all like something we're not supposed to. Don't bully other people for finding happiness in different places.
I don't care if you hate her content. Frankly I haven't even listened to it. I don't care if you hate her character. I don't know what she's been doing. All I know is, so far it wasn't illegal, it made people happy, and she got hate for it from people that have nothing better to do.
I'm writing this as someone who got bullied for liking Ces Cru, and someone who felt bad when others shit on Tech N9ne. Not Tech's music. Tech . Yeah they're both weird. You don't get to hate them if they're making me happy. You can hate their content. Shit, I hate content too. I don't like game of thrones-fight me. But I get it makes other people happy, so I just say I don't enjoy it and leave well enough alone. When we find something we both like we'll talk about that, but we won't actively hate something. I've got better things to do.
To summarize: You can like Bregoli or not care. Same goes for Paul, Sandler and anyone else you can think of, but you don't get to hate them. Most of the world hates something you enjoy as well. Either it's okay for them to shit on you, or it's not okay for you to shit on them. It can't go both ways.
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self.offmychest
|
When your family isn't enough. I am two years out from an abusive relationship which lasted 18 years. I have three young children. I work full time to support my family.
I always was credited with being the rock of our family and friends. But I cannot do this anymore. I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not even sure why I'm here. I've never threatened to take my life. I just know I am tired. So very tired. I've cycled through, began again so much. I'm exhausted. I can't.
Everyone says think of your children. How wonderful they are. How much you love them. But it isn't enough to keep me here any longer. And it's killing me to think that they aren't enough. That my thoughts are preventing me from being the person they need. That I will cause further damage to them beyond what they've already experienced. I should've left sooner. I should not have stayed until the point that I had to keep a diary just to remember what was really happening day by day. The first time. I should have. But I thought I could save him. I thought I could save us. I spent so much time trying to help, I lost. I have no joy. No empathy. No happiness. It's not a cry for help. It's not something I will dare speak of to anyone else. I just want peace. And if I'm dead, I will feel nothing. It won't matter what else happens. The thoughts of others reactions have no bearing. I won't be sad thinking of what I will miss. Because I will cease to exist.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just got laid off from both my jobs. They say my quality has been deteriorating.
That's true because I've been facing problems in my personal life. I'm already facing problems due to financial constraints and now I have to deal with this. I honestly don't know what to do.
Nothing seems to make me happy. I just feel miserable and worthless. Especially when my employer advised me to change my career because I'm not deemed fit. I loved doing my job. But in this competitive world, there's no time to relax. Maybe I should just leave this world. I ain't fit, after all.
|
self.depression
|
Is my girlfriend the source of my anxiety? I used to think it was weed, or the spicy food I eat, but often, I will feel fine until she gets home, and then I feel physically ill, my stomach begines to hurt, and I begin what feels like the early stages of a panic attack, and it only goes away when I can finally tune out her incessant rambling about meaningless topics.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Nothing catchy. Honestly, I don't know what to say to any of you. Self mutilation makes me feel fucking amazing as it regulates my depressive mood swings well. Not going into my past because I don't care anymore but yep, I love the feeling of a knife against my face or across the chest.
I'm 27, highly intelligent and beautiful. My issues are related to past relationships with family and ex girlfriends/boyfriends (male) btw but that doesn't matter either.
Life is boring. Everything everyone gets excited over makes me want to jam a knife into my axillary artery and drain out like fucking livestock.
It's hilarious. I'm an accomplished guitarist/musician with a huge portfolio (hard jazz fusion/progressive nu metal)
and nobody gives a shit. Not saying I need approval to continue doing what I love but it's got to the point where it's not a viable career option anymore. Yeah, audio engineering is versatile and I can make do But I'm starting to realize it'll be lost once I'm gone.
The thought of death and the feelings or non-feelings I'll have make me giddy and excited. The loathing and hatred that has consumed my very being is starting to show from beneath the mask I wear.
I ask myself this: If others can end it then why can't I?
Soon though. Who knows. Also, you can downvote since it's not a direct emergency. I wouldn't care anyways.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
It just sucks. This past month has hit me like a freight train with red-hot spikes on the front.
A while ago, I started hooking up with this guy. He's pretty cute, he's lively, outgoing, and funny. I started getting feelings for him, but I was afraid to tell him because I was afraid of getting hurt again. But life finds a way to hurt me anyways.
We hadn't talked in a while, and it made me feel like he was done with me. It sucked, but I knew it was going to happen eventually. Conveniently at this point, my ex hits me up. We start talking about how we're doing and politics (usually not good but we both enjoy talking about it), and then I noticed that he was getting....flirty?
Eventually he asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. Stupidly, I agreed, fully knowing that I still had strong feelings for him and never wanted him to break up with me in the first place. A couple days later (yesterday), we planned to meet up. The time came and went, and eventually I figured out that he went on first date with someone and was starting a relationship. That really hurt, and now I'm a mess. The whole year, I've been struggling with severe depression and anxiety, and now I get to know that I was so close to to getting him back but he's with someone else now.
The whole ordeal made me realize again that love is shit, and without love, life is shit. I can't move on from my ex, and even if I could, there's nobody else for me to move to. Except the guy that I hooked up with, *who also happens to be friends with my ex.* I hit him up last night anyways, because I'm so depressed that I don't even care.
Life in general is terrible too. Relationship woes aside, I have one good friend, and nobody else. My brain is addled with mental disorders (autism, ocd, anxiety, depression, possibly borderline personality disorder). My grades in school are terrible because I've missed weeks of it. I can hardly form meaningful connections with anyone, and even when I do, they just leave me more hurt than I was before.
It's all just terrible, and I don't think I can handle it much longer. I want to live, and succeed, and be in a happy relationship with someone that loves me. But I don't think I can. I'm too broken. All that's keeping me here is my one friend, my own fear of taking myself out, and an infinitely tiny and naive glimmer of hope that I might find my way out of this and back into someone's loving arms.
|
self.depression
|
Girl who took my virginity threatening me with rape. So basically I regret ever letting this girl into my house.
She was one of my friends old girlfriends and I hadn't seen her for a good couple months, and last time I saw her, she wasn't on any hard drugs or anything.
So she messages me on Facebook saying she wants to stay at my place and get high with me and me being a virgin I immediately say yes and send a taxi for her.
She gets to my house and doesn't really look like a drug addict, but I must also specify that the thing she asked if I wanted to get high with her on was Heroin. She has brought her blankets and a bag with all her stuff.
So basically, we live in a nice house and she starts saying she really likes me and wants to stay a while. I tell her that I like her too but I am not going to let her stay in my house for nothing, after she makes it clear that she just wants to use me for my house and money (I actually verbally tell her multiple times I won't make her do anything she doesn't want or kick her out, but just won't let her stay here more than 2 days) Then she starts talking prices and conditions, and at this point, I didn't catch on that she might have been more familiar in this situation than previously thought.
Long story short, I buy her food, take her to her dealers house, and stop otw home to get condoms and she takes a shower, comes out, starts undressing, etc.
After we have sex she goes to sleep but the next morning I'm having second thoughts about having this girl in my house. I basically give her some money but she doesn't want to leave and wants more money. I argue with her, say hurtful things (I later apologized) and my get her taxi to where she wants to go.
I realize that I lost my virginity to a heroin addicted hooker, bragged about it to some of my friends, and now shes threatening to accuse me of rape, although I think I'll be fine seeing as we've solely used Facebook to communicate and I have all her messages (I.E. her trying to come back to my house the day after, threatening to obviously accuse me of rape.)
But I just can't let this go. I feel sick and terrible that I was so eager to lose my virginity that I had to essentially use a hooker. I bragged about losing the V-card because it still really hadn't hit me until yesterday. I feel so bad I know that this will forever be in my mind as the first time I had sex. I will never forget that night and it's eating away at me.
EDIT: It wasn't clear cut that she was a hooker in case anyone doesn't understand, and she hadn't been using long enough (I guess) to look like anyone in Dallas Buyers Club. I think the morning after she felt she had to explain in her own way and I was like "wait, how many times have you done this." I didn't use a condom about half the time and now I have an Apt. to get checked for STDS. I tried to play it off as a friends with benefits thing but that wasn't working. I haven't stopped staring at my wall since.
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self.offmychest
|
I think I've only posted here once... But I just had to today. Why don't people call or text or otherwise get in touch when they say they're going to? My friends do this to me sometimes and now someone did it to me after a date last week. Sometimes I'm so depressed that this is the only thing I'm looking forward to and when you don't it kills me and I want to sleep for three days straight. Seriously, don't say you're going to call someone if you're not, it might affect them a lot more than you think.
|
self.depression
|
Reminder Breathe in and out
Try not to overthink
Try to base your thoughts on what is happening rather that what could happen
You are going to be okay
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm not going anywhere Going to the hospital was supposed to help. Well after I got out I had a summer job lined up at a local lab. I have bipolar type II (or maybe just anxiety and depression my psychiatrist never figured it out), and ya my meds weren't really working. I constantly got into a brain sludge, hard to focus, empty. I went to the bathroom to cry or cut myself sometimes.
I asked my boss for a reference, this is what she wrote: "Regarding a reference, yes I could serve as a reference for you if you’d like. However, I have a policy of always giving honest references, and yours would be mixed. You displayed some very positive qualities like initiative and willingness to learn in some of our discussions, and you shone when you helped me get the truck out of that comprising canal situation early in the summer. However, I do have some concerns about your general attention to detail, how seriously you took the work the lab was doing, concerns for safety, and communication. There were some improvements as the summer went on, but still some work to do there. In a reference I would mention the positives and the concerns all together."
I'm so stupid and useless. It wasn't even a hard job. I'm just lazy and horrible. I haven't seriously thought about hanging myself for a bit but now I am again. I'm not going anywhere. If I get another job I'll just end up being horrible again. I don't see the point, I'm just a leech on society.
None of my friends have really wanted to be around me since I was hospitalized. Guess a psych ward made them realize how messed up I am. The ones that stuck around act weird around me now. No one really likes me, they just feel bad.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go anywhere. I'm just a lazy sack of shit with no drive or motivation anymore. If the point of living is to keep living that seems kind of dumb to me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My Girlfriend is Depressed and I’m not Sure What to do As the title reads, my girlfriend is depressed. We’ve been together for about half a year but I’ve known her for much longer. She has always hated talking about her emotions, not only with me but with her friends too. However, recently she opened up a little bit more than usual and told me that things were getting bad again. I’ve never really experienced anything like this and I’m not sure what to do. I’ve obviously told her I’m always here for her to talk but she doesn’t do that very often as I previously said. I feel so useless at the moment and could really use some help. Thanks a lot.
|
self.depression
|
The endless search What did I do in my life when I felt most at peace?
Was I even doing anything? Did I ever feel harmony?
I dont remember, I've always been on the hunt, when I figure it out, when I've experienced IT I know Im home. But what If there never was any home to begin with?
Too much sensitivity? Respond in ANGER!
Violonce begat to many consequences, lets see what else is their? Drugs, medication, sex, obsession. Jummy...
But nothing lasts forever so you know what? Get obsessed with being sober and therapy, 12 step, yoga, meditation, you name it!
How long? 5 years sober!? What a good boy, you are only 22! But guess what? I still wanna fucking kill myself, been a while since I tried that..
Wait, what about ayahuasca, mushrooms, lsd and all the other Wonderful drugs earth has brought you?
I got my answers, I was shown things few ever experience, I might just fool myself but I believe in all of it. The beauty and the darkness yet no home..
Lets try death now, twice in one year..
Here I am still searching because im not welcomed in the afterlife.. whats next?? O yea! Drugs!
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self.offmychest
|
Is this what it's like being awake. Being an Atheist with depression TBH its hard being emphatetic and realistic at the same time. Can't imagine how the world turned out this way, just chaos all over the media and there's nothing we can't do about it. It's like everything's just looking for himself alone and nobody else cares. I feel sorry for those who are living their lives in fear of tomorrow.
I grew up from an abusive crackhead father who would always beat up our mom in front of us siblings so I started developing chronic depression throughout my childhood. And in my early college years started questioning myself is there really a God. Why did he gave me a life I can't refuse yet there's no change at all
I started seeking about Agnostic and Atheist related contents. I'm from Ph BTW and the religious culture here is abundant. I' m not that religious at all but there are times I seek to be alone in order to at least meditate, thinking about the Cosmos trying to connect to higher entities if there really is but only ending up feeling weird. If ever God is real? everytime I get myself in some discussion among people I always questioned them 'why life is unfair?'. Those innocent ones that were killed, people struggling with genetic diseases, hunger and homelessness sufferers go through due to poverty...how come God created an imperfect world and it seems bias if people believe God gave this kind of life in order for us to experience hardships while others are living the life of luxury spending their days lavishly. I do seek the hope of those people who would like to help especially my friends and family but would never rely to any kind of God in order to make my life better. I don't mind people on what they believe in but correlating everything because its God's mysterious ways is just dumb. By the end of the day were just humans in need of the same human affection and support in order to keep moving on.
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self.depression
|
Depressed and hated myself for years. Friend is going through a breakup and is depressed too. What do I do? Hey,
So I've had two mates for a while now, they've always been a couple but the relationship was never too great and I think it's generally a good step for both of them. But one was completely co-dependant on the other and now all he has is me to talk to about his problems, mostly about just wanting him back.
I want him to be happy, but I can't even help myself right now. I'm so angry and upset every-night, trying to just get through work just to stay in bed ect ect, you've heard it before, whatever. He's got other issues at home and doesn't really know what to do with his life either, but in my current state I really just can't listen to him go on about all of his issues, when I've spent all my life bottling them up.
Any ideas on how to approach this? Part of me wants to tell him to fuck off so I can be alone finally, but then I know I'll regret it in a week and just give myself another thing to beat myself up with.
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self.depression
|
I've been a vegetarian in puberty, now I feel too short, too thin and too unmanly I'm 29 years old, from Western Europe, about 5’8’’ (173 cm) tall and I weigh about 140 lbs (63,5 kg). I hail from a short family from both of my parents side and from a slim one from my maternal side. I'm about as tall as my father.
I work in a job I don't love, but very much like, and I have the financial and educational means to change my job. I've got great parents, loving relatives, many close friends and I'm physically healthy again. Only with girls I haven't been that successful so far.
But one thing is killing me and I'm in therapy because of it.
I’ve been a ovo-lacto vegetarian from 15 to 19 due to ethical reasons and as some kind of radical chic. I didn't take any supplements during that time.
From 16 onwards I was an avid athlete. I played soccer in a local club, did lots of running and went swimming. At the military service when 19 years old I finished 4th out of about 55 conscripts my age in an endurance test.
However, now I feel too short, too thin and too unmanly due to me having been a vegetarian. It feels like I've starved myself and like I've had something similar to bulimia. I feel deformed and that everyone can see that I'm malnourished.
In my puberty I sometimes noticed some shaking in my hands and sometimes I had tiny, white patches on some of my fingernails. I fear that I didn't get enough protein, did not eat enough beans or lentils, didn't get enough vitamin B12 or something else.
You can make yourself a picture of me on these photos: https://drive.google.com/open?id=12B-qzLSdhJZBG2KZ76hrubsZ1QyTPoDL or https://drive.google.com/open?id=1vRuI0SFN35Yg8_V2VECgsVhNxiXnbMuj or https://drive.google.com/open?id=1QPL1lJqymoBwTmH75xkEfYfe2YkrRaQf
Wise Reddit, what do you think about my predicament? Do you have some words for me?
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self.depression
|
Parents are fucking idiots While everyone else keeps on saying that 'you tend to face this problem a lot as a teenager' or anything like that, that is bullshit if there are some actual serious problems in my family. I'm 22 and still incredibly furious about how my divorced parents did their own things. Literally their own things, as if I was obsolete.
My mother thought it would be a great idea to completely nullify my trust in my own doings by 'helping' in whatever the fuck I could possibly do as normal handlings in my entire fucking life (as example, she wanted to make clear at some fucking point that there was a can of water on the table in front of my eyes, she apparently thought I have no eyes), but the worst thing is whenever I lost my patience for her and get mad, it's as if I became a hell demon of some sort which meant she wouldn't talk to me, which lead to me being even more frustrated, and the cycle continued like that. She is the most worthless pathetic human being I've ever had to keep my patience for (what was left of it anyway, I eventually got a treatment for psychosis with no help whatsoever from her, I guess she liked it to escalate things like that? Thank you very fucking much, bitch). I couldn't ever ask anything easy because it was either that I had to do everything myself or I was 'angry' so she wouldn't talk. At the meantime it was like everyone stood up for her because I was that mad little teener boy who hasn't learnt his lesson or something. I was too afraid to tell that I was suffering like that because my mother fucking indoctrinated me that I was that angry demon boy that nobody would ever talk to. Fuck you, mom. Just burn the fuck away from my life. You are the problem. This is not a 'mad teenager yelling at his mom' problem, you're just the most garbage moron of a mom anyone could've ever wished for in my entire life. I've got my shit together back again. You don't and there is no fucking way I'm ever going to help you and there is definitely no fucking way that you're going to help me because I've got a room for myself now. Goodbye.
Sorry if I went berserk in this post, but... I definitely learnt that you can't keep feelings like this to yourself forever. Eventually it's just gonna spit out again.
|
self.depression
|
Should I discuss my 'performance anxiety' with my therapist? I have a problem. Everytime I am even close to having sex the sheer excitement fills my body with anxiety. I've had only one sexual encounter and the anxiety made me lose my erection. I am afraid to actually go along with having sex because I don't want it to happen again.
Should I discuss it with my therapist. My therapist is female, young and pretty so I am reluctant to discuss this. I don't want to look for a new therapist because she's actually the first good therapist I actually had. I had to switch several times.
I was thinking of going to my gp for this, but because of a hypochondriac episode of mine a few months ago I'd rather not disturb her again.
|
self.Anxiety
|
The events leading up to the tenth of November. Hey, Reddit. I’ve got some things to say and it’s a lot to say. Before I say anything, I’ll just tell you I’m 19. I need to say these things to someone and it’s a very long story.
I’m in a bad place emotionally. I’m starting a breakup. It hurts, but there’s a need to go back.
When I was 15, I met a girl. I had just been cheated on after five months and found out it was with my best friend who lied to my face. Well, I’ve always considered those things come and go. I knew I was young, I knew I was emotional. I told myself I was overreacting and handled it really maturely. I told my older friend I forgave him, and I wanted nothing to do with the girl anymore. I told the story when our group of friends asked me and said that they should leave it and forgive him if I could forgive him, and I meant it.
But anyways, I met a girl. We’ll call her Ashley. Ashley was Indian, pretty devoted to Hinduism, 14 at the time, had never had a boyfriend because her parents didn’t allow it and were eventually going to have an arranged marriage, had very low self esteem despite being very pretty because she had been constantly bullied before she moved to my hometown in Texas. Her father was in the Army, and this will be relevant later. She said there was something special about me, and she broke her parents rule about dating. Behind their back, we started a relationship after a week of talking.
I taught her what it meant to be with someone, despite not knowing, and I learned a lot. I was her first everything, except for sex, although there was a lot of sexual play going on. We were both going to wait until marriage. I was always a gentleman with her, as much as I could. I was very sweet, spoiled her with attention, ad we gave each other more devotion than people our age should.
I also had a friend, call him Bravo. Bravo was from Germany, although he hadn’t lived here since he was a kid, where this girl happened to have lived for the last few years. He was a month older than me and a grade above. I had befriended him a year earlier through sheer loyalty and always being by his side when he needed help, since he was depressed and was suicidal. He stated he would become my lieutenant. I said I preferred a partner, an equal. He refused, said I was the leader, to him, an unbreakable pillar of morality and his only real friend.
Bravo knew Ashley before I did, and he wanted to be with her. I stole her right out of his hands without knowing, and didn’t find out until later. He was stupidly loyal though.
Ashley had a friend, call him Brent. He was short, and nerdy, and she was short and nerdy. He was always around her if I wasn’t, and I was the jealous type. Ashley’s parents loved him; he was her neighbor, white, from a military family, and always over at her house.
They hated me; they considered me a “poor uneducated Mexican.” They were Indian like their daughter, obviously.
Well one day, my crazy lieutenant and I talked about him and since us guys in general never liked the “best friend,” i told him I wasn’t super comfortable.
So Bravo pulled a knife on him and warned him to leave my girl alone.
Fast forward. I fixed that, and it’s been two years. Six months into our relationship, Ashley moves away. We keep up a long distance relationship where she keeps fitting into this mold of a perfect submissive girlfriend. We’d discussed it too; she was growing up to be a smart, young woman and she was going to get ahead in life, but with me at her side. Ashley wanted to be successful and only need me emotionally and devote herself to me completely, like I wanted to for her. She had conformed and been happy with my increasing slow demands of more over time; I was always jealous and worried she would cheat. I have a lot of trust and abandonment issues stemming from my family, and her being far away did not help. But she conformed to always letting me know about her day, what she was doing, me asking for her if she didn’t text back within 10 minutes. I did the same; I never asked anything of her I was not willing to give up. I always told her I only wanted to be with her if she wanted me back; If she didn’t, I wouldn’t beg, I’d just leave and never hold her emotionally hostage.
Well, one day, Ashley wanted to leave.
I had started working in fast food. I was captain of a few teams that required a lot of time. I was doing AP classes and organizing a ball, doing the choreography for it. I was in charge of a battalion. I was doing the choreography with a stunning, feisty girl that was very into me. I was very attracted to her; she was here, beautiful, feisty, smart, dedicated. But I was more in love with Ashley and always did my best to not do anything that might be considered bad.
Well, all of this had me very busy, and exhausted. I did not have time to video chat and sing for her like before. Ashley was upset at it, and I was very stressed. I told her just to give me a month. One month, and then I would be far less busy.
He’d been having breakfast at her house. (My possessive unhealthy nature was not okay with even the thought that my fully devoted girlfriend might cook for another man.) He’d been driving her to school. He apparently dressed really well, and smelled really nice. Isaac. Her best friend in her new home, who she said I should not worry about.
Ashley started out by giving me this spiel about being jealous of the girl I’d been dancing with. I called her out; she was never the jealous type, always trusting me. She kept going with it anyways, and left me. I found out much later it was just because I wasn’t giving her enough attention, and Isaac filled the role, which I’d easily guessed, and I was angry anyways. When I was stressed, when my life was so busy, when I needed her most, she had left me after two years and now, I had no desire to do anything. I didn’t want to date the dance girl. I wanted to die, I told Bravo, my faithful lieutenant that I had been cultivating in the meantime, always pushing him up.
I was really mad at the dishonesty. See, I respect honesty more than anything. I hate lies. I told Ashley that all I wanted was for her to be honest if she wanted to leave or got interested in someone else. She didn’t She lied. She had freedom to leave, I just asked to know from the very moment any doubt grew.
I’m not justifying; I know that I was being extremely toxic.
I didn’t know what to do. I prided myself in handling things well externally. So after I devalued Ashley in my mind by sleeping with a girl and never telling anyone until later, and sleeping with a different girl later on when I felt more stable, I eventually became...okay.
It had been 9 months. I was working, I’d been hanging out with a new crowd; these were people I trusted, adult type friends, the kind you know aren’t making drama and move forward. And I was so stable with myself. Emotionally, I was on two feet. I was the youngest at 18, with the oldest at 30, and the rest between 18 and 21. These were good people; I was the smart one in the group, always giving advice and cracking great jokes and being the life of the party. Bravo was part of the group through me, although the others didn’t like him too much. He’d fallen on hard times, moving out and doing lots of drugs and working in a call center. But i supported him even though I knew that through his depressive suicidal jokes and quips about suffering, he wasn’t suicidal. I kept him going too. He didn’t know about the girls I slept with. Bravo was so amazed and proud and he admired that I refused to stoop low to get over Ashley and kept my promise that I never had the heart to tell him.
Well, Bravo was talking to a girl that was in my grade in high school. Call her Tammy. I’d seen her around, knew her through him. I thought she was really cute, but in the latter half of senior year, when I was single, I was too depressed to do anything; plus, Bravo was all over her, and she seemed to like him too.
Well, Bravo made a mistake.
He talked about me so much. I’m the weirdest guy he’s ever met. He always told her about me, sent her pictures or videos of me doing weird things and I didn’t care because I’m weird. Well, Bravo was hanging out with me pretty much every day, and I was hanging out more with this new healthy crowd.
Then Tammy called me precious.
This was in my single high school depressed days. Bravo was worried, and I brushed it off. I said it was nothing. I thought it was nothing, and it was.
For my English class, that Tammy was in, I wrote up a quick poem. I don’t want to say the name because I’m proud of it, its a performance piece. I performed it in class and in a poetry slam. I was only beaten by a black kid rapping about cancer despite rap being against the rules.
Tammy loved it. The performance, the messages, the rhymes. It was so well done for her, she texted me and told me. She felt like she was talking to a celebrity. I offered her a copy, which she very happily and awkwardly accepted. I nearly hugged her, but she seemed so socially anxious that I left it be. Bravo didn’t get to hear the poem until way later, but we’ll get there.
So, back to the precious thing. Tammy started talking about me more. Bravo worried more. I reassured him more. She didn’t like me. I was sure of it.
Well, Bravo decided to invite her over to my house so the three of us could be a trio of friends, which I thought was a fabulous idea. I was happy for him, even though I knew that they’d been into each other and done a thing or two. Well, she didn’t talk. Me and Bravo did. So to interest her, I told her a story about Bravo, about how I casually handed him a clove of garlic and he ate it. Bravo hates this story, so he actually left my house and started walking home.
Tammy opened up immediately. I felt us click. We just talked and i taught her a variation of patty cake and enjoyed her hands on mine when the door opened nearby and I realized what I’d been doing and the fact that Bravo was back. Tammy went silent again and Bravo had no idea.
Well, now Tammy talked more about me, and Bravo worried more, and then Tammy and I started texting. Things had dried up between her and Bravo and he kept trying to woo her but she wouldn’t budge. I knew me and Tammy were getting too friendly, but I didn’t know what to tell Bravo. Tammy was being very forward in trying to court me, and I was being hyper neutral to it. I told her to meet me at the park to talk about Bravo, and I went with full intention of doing so.
Well, I got home after holding her hand and kissing her and holding her too, and realized I had missed it. Affection, despite being stable now. I didn’t plan any of it.
We had more dates. Secretly. I wanted to tear my hair out; i hate secrets, but I was so happy with Tammy. I needed to say it. So I asked her out, and told Bravo after she agreed. He never found out about the dates, and it haunts my heart to this day.
Bravo was very petty about it, and with good reason. I told him I expected nothing; I deserved no forgiveness and I meant it, and I felt so bad about it. But I was happy, and so was Tammy. I wanted to be happy. What made Bravo’s happiness more important than ours if we wanted to be happy together?
I expected him to hate me, and he did, quietly. Through petty comments and harsh snaps and backhanded compliments that I took without blinking because I deserved it. But I was so happy with Tammy. Things were perfect.
I began to lose my patience. Bravo refused to outright admit his anger, only lashing out when I pushed him hard. He wanted to seem the bigger man, but could not miss any opportunity to try and insult me. I told him I was not regretful or ashamed of what I did; but the fact that I hurt his feelings. I meant it. I felt terrible for not saying, but the only thing I would’ve changed was telling him sooner, not the deed itself. I said that I’d gladly accept the lashings if he would give them; but I would not accept a snake who would attack from behind and sully my name when I very well could do it on my own through my actions. I knew I did wrong. I know I did wrong.
Bravo had none of it. He gave me a deadline to keep being his friend. I ignored it.
Over the course of a year, me and Tammy shifted. It was a very intense relationship; we were both so good at first, and eventually, it grew more toxic. I’d leave, and she’d let me go, and then beg for me to return, and it happened a good 10 times. But I loved her. Immensely. My jealousy and bad habits returned, and we did our best to work through, along with her fear of confrontation and lying through omission. She was very vague in her answers in our later time, secretive almost, not telling me things and being very defensive. Bravo would try to step back into my life every time she left, hoping to fix our friendship and patch me up. The way he put it “you replaced me with each other.”
At one point, in September, we were broken up. I’d ignored her and cut her from my life. We started chatting. We started very slowly building to a relationship again. And i saw her on our college campus with a guy. It looked like she was holding his hand. I overreacted, told her to leave me alone again, i was not going to put myself through it. Tammy promised it was nothing. We talked more. She came over and we napped, something we did a lot when we dated, and I was feeling good, except for one thing. She refused to tell me the guy’s name. No matter how much I asked in my feverish, jealous obsession. It sat in my stomach, festering. Why didn’t she tell me? It was just a name. This had never been an issue before.
I opened up her phone while she slept.
A contact I never heard of. I read the messages. Lighthearted things. He called her his girlfriend person. There were hearts sent back and forth. A date soon.
I woke her, asked her quietly what his name was. Told her I wanted her gone. Tammy cried. She said she’d been planning to tell me. I cried. How could she? I yelled, angry that she had lowered herself to that, angry that she’d lied, that she’d hurt me. After all I had done, even though I claimed the blame for violating her privacy, I had never lied. I never cheated. She was my world.
We went on until 6 AM. Tammy told him to leave her alone forever. She told him the truth, she blocked his number, blocked him on everything. We started dating again.
Things were great. She hid nothing from me. I would look through her phone.
You have to believe me, please. I would feel terrible when I did, but I had to feed those tendencies. I needed to feel secure. But please, judge me all you want, but believe that I felt like the lowest of scum any time I doubted her or looked through.
Please.
We hit the year mark. Things dried up. Me and Tammy are not good at staying apart, but now herphone had a passcode on it. I immediately worried about her hiding things again. We argued. Decided at the year mark to break up. I had told her before I could not be her friend. I loved her too much. We had sex a few times, and it was like we were a couple when she stayed the night, and it was wonderful. We’d muse that we were good at being a couple when we weren’t. We’d muse that we were good at sex and being cute.
Well that stopped. And we stopped seeing each other. And we made a promise. If we didn’t get back together by the tenth of November, then I’d give her things back and we’d really not speak again, unless we did in the far future.
Well, I gave them back and tried to cut ties early anyways. I always knew we were bad for each other, even if we’re in love. Look, sometimes it’s not enough guys. Some people aren’t compatible, and that’s okay. We are who we are, and we can change for the better, but maybe not to fit someone else. Sometimes it doesn’t happen.
We kept talking because we’re bad at staying apart, and we talked as friends, although we mostly talked about us and our relationship. I was so uncomfortable, and always jumpy, scared that she would move on without telling me again, so I made her promise that as soon as she was a little interested in anyone, or even began to move on, to tell me so that I could leave and not put myself through the pain of it. Of course, because I’m me, i barely trusted the promise and made a ton of questions. I thought she would do me dirty again.
Tammy rightfully got fed up again.
Well, here’s the deal. Tammy and I talked today again. We’ve been keeping up the friends thing I mentioned before. Today, she called me out for the billionth time on my issues and I admitted it. She called me delicate, because she can’t say anything without me being not okay, and she’s right. So she told me she was supposed to have a date tomorrow. I said it was time for me to leave and that I was little upset that she didn’t tell me. Apparently she set up the date “recently.” And I don’t know what that means, but I know she has an exact date and time she avoided telling me because she knows it’ll incriminate her or upset me. I said before I stepped out of her life, i wanted to know who it was so I could have closure. She refused to tell me and said goodbye, which I usually do first. Now I don’t have closure, after a lot of messages she didn’t tell me so I could rest peacefully, and I gave up, thanked her for being a part of my life like I do every time we split for good, and said goodbye. We haven’t spoken since, and that was about an hour ago. She mentioned before that if I changed my mind I should message her, but I know I won’t, she’ll break first, and I don’t think she’ll even want me to now that I fucked up again.
Tammy is very open to dating multiple times. She freely admits we might date in the future, it’s possible. She’s the only girl I ever gave a second chance to.
So here’s the endgame. This is a cry for help. I’m obsessive, and crazy jealous and I have all of these issues. I want to fix them for myself. But for her too. I never told anyone about the time when she did me dirty and lied about that guy. I don’t want to dirty her name like that to the people she knows. She doesn’t deserve that. Tammy is my world. Beyond being so fucked up inside, i do love her. And this too shall pass, it always does. I’m young.
But I want to change.
I love her, Reddit. Even if she doesn’t come back, I want her to be able to be happy without me dying out of jealousy. Maybe one day I can break my policy with exes and be her friend. I want to be healthy. I want to be good. I don’t want more scars on my chest. I never tell anyone because they need me to be a pillar; my healthy crowd of friends sees me in such a light, and they’ve asked me for so much advice, I can’t let them know I’m so fucked up.
Tammy has her issues. I do too. She brings out the absolute worst in me, and I in her, but I don’t hate her, and I won’t let people sully her name. She’s a person after all. I am too. I can accept not being with her, but I know true acceptance needs to sink in and before I get over it, its going to take me a very long time. I care about her deeply, and I need somewhere to let things go.
I’m not okay. I need help. I’m unhealthy. Please help me. Let me be vulnerable. I’m a terrible person by my standards and I want to change.
I’m sorry for some bad formatting. I just needed to let it out. At least she doesn’t use reddit.
|
self.offmychest
|
Fucking can't stand it I just can't fucking take it.
First, society won't fucking listen to me or bother to listen to me if I ever talk about my depression since they would rather be ignorant and tell me to either deal with it through bullshit method x, that I'm fake, or they tell me to fuck off.
Second, me and my dad are losing the house because we can't get enough money to keep it (dad can't work since he has a neck problem which is causing his legs to function less. I would get a job but I only have a learners and I don't live in town and that IM A FUCKING FUCK UP FUCK FUCK FUCK).
Thirdly, my school marks are going down to hell and I'm expected to fail since I can't do all the work and I'm trying. I would tell the teachers, but they wouldn't listen since they only care if I can fulfill societies agenda and not my actual fucking health.
Fourthly, everyone is starting to become tired of me even though I'm trying my hardest right now to just grasp onto what remaining life (vitality) I have right now.
I have been recently been thinking of possibilities of I ever have to commit suicide. From what I remember of my law class, I think in Canada that doctors assisted suicide is legal, so I'm not sure if I will somehow try to get that.
And the isolation... Before, I've never been bothered by it but shit, I just want someone irl to talk to really that I can trust and maybe relate to. The only people I do talk to about this is this Reddit and my journal (yes, I've included my journal as a person. I'm that fucking lonely about this)
I remember hearing someone say "it'll get better" a few years ago. My life has been getting worse throughout the years more and more. 2017 somehow surpassed 2016 in terms of shit; let's see how 2018 competes against this. I'll (hopefully) be dead before 2018.
Needed to rant today. Just can't stand this. Thanks for reading this whoever came by.
Have a nice Christmas r/depression 🎁
|
self.depression
|
Neighbors are having a karaoke night.. They sound like they are having so much fun. Just a reminder of how friendless I am. I feel like crying, but am trying to hold it in because I've been crying before bed every day this past week and just want to stop. Why am I like this? Why am I so lonely? :'( It hurts to think of all the fun things I could be doing if I had friends.
|
self.depression
|
Depending on today's outcome, i might take my own life or at least that's how I'm thinking right now. But I'm too much of a fucking coward to actually go through with it, so...
|
self.Anxiety
|
Cross Country Train WiFi, you are perhaps the worst WiFi I've ever come across You see, all I wanted to do was download a podcast on my laptop, that's all. Podcasts are inherently not that large, as they are compressed because of their length. Yet I can't download any kind of file on your WiFi. I understand not wanting to people to download big files, but Jesus Christ, how bad can your WiFi be?
Well guess what, I also had to pay for it. This might seem really entitled, but I think any public transport (especially trains of all things) should have free WiFi. I had to pay £2 an hour. I would have happily paid 20p more on my ticket price if it meant I actually got WiFi.
Joke on you, I'm using my paid time to complain about ahahahahahahahahahahah, I'm so evil. ^^^/s
|
self.offmychest
|
afraid to take medicine but tired of being depressed too many things happened to me in my life for me to be happy at this point in life. i went to the doctor yday and they diagnosed me with anxiety and severe depression. was prescribed klonopins and im afraid to start taking benzos. should i just take them since i got prescribed and say fuck it? very heavy stoner that has prolly made me more depressed tbh
|
self.depression
|
Don't know where else to put this... About 3-4 years ago, a male friend of my housemates forcibly 'cuddled' with me, and then forced his tongue down my throat.
We are still friends on Facebook. He recently liked a post of mine, and I've been replaying a lot of things that have happened to me in the past in my head, in light of the recent sexual abuse allegations.
After avoiding this for a long time, I clicked on his profile and saw that he was struggling with depression and feeling 'incomplete'. For some reason, reading this, and the outpouring of love and support he got made me sick. I scrolled further, and saw he made a 'me too' post. He said that he'd "likely done some things in the past that negatively impacted others" (paraphrasing there), and that inebriation, etc. was no excuse.
He also said feel free to message [him] if he'd done anything that affected someone. I want to unfriend him immediately, but if I do this, I cut off my chance of contacting him or messaging him. Does anyone have any advice? What do I do?
|
self.offmychest
|
Afraid to listen to music Recently, I've become afraid of listening to music. This is because I'm afraid that I won't like it or I won't fully connect with it. This leads to me forcing myself to try and like something, and tensing up, and holding my breath. Music that I used to like I now find very difficult to listen to. I've realized that a lot of music that I supposedly "liked" was really just me pretending to like it or forcing myself to enjoy it. Please Help. Thanks.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My school told my dad that I have depression Fuck my school
because of my family issue,I didn't tell my parents that I have depression
but the school principal insisted on telling my parents
the two counsellors in my school didn't agree with him
So he called their boss to say that he had to call me dad
And he did call my dad
God I hate him so much
|
self.depression
|
I don't know what I need right now Lately, I've been thinking about what today was my last day. Every "Bye!" or "See ya later!", my mind flashes to what could be the day I give up and call it quits on life.
I've been hospitalized twice in the past 4 months for suicidal thoughts and it's coming back stronger again, well.. not like it's ever fully left. The feeling that was just hovering over my body like a cloud, but now sitting on my chest. I have a history of self harm (cutting) but I haven't done it in years. I'm not sure if being in the hospital will help me because where I live, there's no psych ward or anything, just the general hospital floor. If anything else is more urgent than that, they send you off to a bigger hospital with a mental health ward 4 hours away from my town or another one
2-3 hours away. I'm in counselling and I see my counsellor tomorrow afternoon so I'll tell her how I'm feeling then. I'm going to try and do something to keep myself busy, cross stitching or watching supergirl, idk. Feelings are stupid.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What do I do? What does this sound like? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Five years fighting and now I'm done I've been battling with suicidal depression for 5+ years now and I think I'm done. Everyday is is a constant struggle with it and it sucks. I wanted to see if anyone could help because I don't think I can make into the new year without it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Where do you go if you're ever just feeling kinda sad? Do you find someone to talk to? What if you don't have anyone or they're all busy?
Do you write/journal?
|
self.offmychest
|
I don’t think I can endure the wait for my new antidepressants to kick in. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Growing up I anxious, I had an irrational fear that if the last thing I said before I went to sleep wasn’t “see you in the morning” I would die in my sleep.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Advice for dating...? I made a tinder profile just for the heck of it. I’m 18 and a lot of people say that’s too young, but I’m on a year off before going to college because I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
Anyways...
I’ve seen a few people on there that I would like to talk to, but I never have enough courage to match with them. I have been waiting for someone to match with me first but I’m not sure it’s going to happen??? Anyways...how do I get the courage to do it? It’s really nerve wracking and even if we both matched each other I have no idea what I would say, even if they invited me out for a date I have no idea what I would say or do... it’s just really tough when you’re so shy and anxious...
|
self.Anxiety
|
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