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Startig to feel suicide wont be that bad Im a failure, like i always been.But i decided to keep on going because i dont want to hurt my parents.
I have everything, good looks, intelligence, money and yet my brain decided to be a depressed alcoholic and ugrateful mess. I dont even have the energy to explain all the shit in my life
This Christmas im thought im kind of happy, but im back in the hole again.
I cant go on like this anymore, i hate my life. I dont want to kill myself because i dont want to make my parents sad but now i think that if i was dead it wont matter.
i just want to be hugged by somebody.
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self.SuicideWatch
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If I wake up and I don't feel good , I treat that as a sign that my whole day is ruined. This seems to be something that I do consistently. If I wake up feeling anything less than 100% like I imagined , I assume that the whole day is shit . I assume that I shouldn't get out of bed and that nothing is worth it anymore ... I really need to stop this
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self.depression
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Will drinking more water, making a diet change, and getting on a decent sleep schedule really help? 98 lb 21 yr old F here.
I hate drinking water. I try to anyway, but I don’t drink near enough and get dehydration headaches frequently.
My anxiety makes it hard to eat and usually I eat the most late at night. Unhealthy food. For example, last night hot dog, pop tart, cheese cake, and cheezits.
My sleep schedule is shit.
My anxiety has gotten so bad I don’t want to do anything besides go to school and work. Any added socialization seems unbearable and I have panic attacks when I’m forced to hang out with people. I’m scared I’m missing out and wonder if making these changes would truly benefit me.
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self.Anxiety
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Hyperfixation anyone? I'm just curious whether or not others here hyperfixate on various things to distract themselves from anxious thoughts or energy. Since middle school I've been "obsessed" with various bands or movies. In 7th grade, I hyper fixated on The Beatles for 7 months straight, which consisted of me listening ONLY to their music, watching interviews, and thinking about them 24/7 until I finally got sick of them. This cycle repeated with different things up until about a year ago. Although this was a good coping mechanism for awhile, I haven't been able to hyperfixate on anything this past year. Without hyperfixation as my coping mechanism my anxiety has hit me hard and has been far more difficult for me to deal with. I just kind of feel like I have nothing to look forward to or point in being alive sometimes if I don't hyperfixate on something. Anyone have similar experiences?
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self.Anxiety
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Welp, I went from Lamictal to Lamictal and Lithium. What should I expect? Had a pretty bad manic episode a few weeks ago, and the doc suggested this combo. What should I look out for?
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self.bipolar
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Spoke out about my abuse. Feel more alone than ever. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m talentless I’m literally bad at everything.
I used to think I was decent at cutting as always til I tried it a few minutes ago, i literally did absolutely no damage...This is purely upsetting, sure maybe people will think not being able to cut anymore is good I guess but still... it’s official. I’m good at nothing, cutting, art, music, singing, writing, sleeping, ect. Nothing.
Why the hell am I still here !? I’ve tried to kill myself many times but I’m so pathetic and talentless I’d only just get sick instead. Mentally and physically. How funny.
I get confident in something, next thing I know when I show it off everyone is much better than me...I hate everything
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self.SuicideWatch
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Getting back on Lamictal but I think I need something else. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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When loved ones are ill I live with my parents and my mum currently has a bad back while my first priority is obviously her I can't help the fact it's setting off my anxiety.
I'm agoraphobic so can't get away from the sound of her in pain. She saw a doctor yesterday and is seeing one again today so I'm not unduly worried. (But doctors can be idiots).
I had a bad back earlier this year and know it's hell while it last but if it is just a bad back it will pass eventually.
I feel guilty for getting anxious or is this just a normal thing when someone you love is ill.
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self.Anxiety
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I don't think I'll do it, but I've thought a lot about how I would. First, I'd either sell or donate almost everything I own. I don't want my family to have to clean out my apartment and try to figure out what to do with all my stuff. I'd advertise it as a moving sale on Craigslist and leave any money I made to my family for the expenses. There are a few special things I'd leave behind for certain family members or friends - things with a special meaning or that have been in the family for a long time.
I'd make sure my credit card was paid off and my rent was paid through the end of my lease. Have my electric and internet services shut off. I'd verify that my brother was set up as the beneficiary on all of my assets. I'd even wait until after I file my taxes so no one has to worry about that. Even try to wrap up anything pending at work.
And I'd write letters to my closest family and friends. I know nothing I can say will take their pain away, but hopefully I'll at least be able to give them a little bit of closure. I'll keep it sort of vague - I don't want them to know the full depth of my depression and despair, or the traumas I've endured. It'll be more about how much I love them, and how sorry I am. How it's not their fault, but this was the only option.
I would try to do it in a way that wouldn't inconvenience or traumatize others. I think jumping in front of a train would be quick and easy, but it would affect hundreds or thousands of other people. Maybe I could overdose. It shouldn't be too hard to find some heroin in my neighborhood. I've never used before so it shouldn't take too much.
But I won't do it. I'm too tired. I'm too tired to live and too tired to die. So I'll just stay here, not quite alive, not quite dead, just ... existing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How would you portray anxiety? Hi Reddit,
I'm an 18 year old filmmaker and I've been living with severe panic disorder since I was in the third grade. I began to notice that anxiety is such a hard, weird, terrible thing to describe in words to other people. It's no doubt a tough thing to explain to people who don't suffer from it or have experience with it. About a year ago I made a short film about panic disorder and it even happened to win a few festivals along the way - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuB-TzXL05g&t
Now that I've moved on from high school and in film school, I want to make another film about anxiety, portraying it in a different creative way. I thought the recent film Colossal was a brilliant way to portray hard to explain subjects such as alcoholism and depression. Perhaps the life of an anxious person or an attack. After the feedback from my first attempt at a short film about anxiety, I hope to be able to help more people understand and speak about anxiety. How would you choose to portray anxiety in a film?
Any feedback and recommendations is greatly appreciated. Thank you so so much for your time!
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self.Anxiety
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quitting all my medications made my life 100% better in the span of 3 weeks, and now I'm really confused. I need answers. I've been on mood stabilizers since I was 12. Back then I didn't want to hang out with my classmates and just wanted to play video games alone. My teachers thought I was depressed and my parents took me to a psychiatrist.
It seems like over the years, as my dosages increased and I was taking more and more different pills, my problems got worse and worse. I never felt right. My grades disappeared, I became prone to angry outbursts and random crying. The psychiatrist's solution was always more meds, and my parents never questioned it. They kept saying something was wrong with me and meds would fix it. At this point I was disagnosed as bipolar.
Everything stopped making sense. I would think about killing people and killing myself. I started doing drugs. I was using heroin when I was 16. I was sexually assaulted by a drug dealer. I would do crazy shit just for attention. I got sent to an alternative school for fuck ups. I would go out with my friends all night and get so fucked up, one night I almost drowned in a creek because I passed out while trying to jump over it. Multiple suicide attempts. Life seemed so dumb and pointless and I planned on being dead by the end of this year. I was miserable every second of every day. For real.
Three weeks ago, I told my psychiatrist to go fuck himself, and quit all my meds cold turkey. Since then, it's like I'm a completely different person. I feel GOOD. I feel like there's hope for the future. I feel energized. My grades are better. I'm applying to college! I never thought I would do that! I'm trying a ton of new things and I suddenly feel motivated to get sober. I've been sober for TWO WEEKS!! (Doesn't sound like much but for me it is.) I flushed my stash and cut off all my toxic friends. I've been hanging out with my dad, cooking, dancing, feeling like each day is God's gift! Every time something hasn't gone my way, I've gotten right over it. I feel unstoppable. Like a machine.
My question is: what the fuck. Is this some kind of insane coincidence or a big joke from God or did mood stabilizers actually make my life that much worse? I haven't felt this good for so many years. Is the other shoe gonna drop? What is this? Help??
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self.bipolar
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When do you decide to go to the hospital? I’ve been hospitalized twice and both were my choice for the most part.
This week has been hell. I panicked at work on Tuesday and bawled my eyes out in front of my lead. The rest of the week included invasive flashbacks of previous suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts. Sunday will also be 1 year since my grandma died and I never figured out how to grieve.
Should I listen to my sane self and go to the ER?
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self.bipolar
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Is it possible to feel happiness again? I've been suffering with depression and anxiety for a long time, and I've never told anyone about it except for one person - and I just feel that recently, even they're struggling to talk to me.. I'm feeling like everything is going down the shitter - and the concept of happiness feels completely unobtainable, and I don't feel any hope for experiencing it again.
Are there people who manage to feel happy again after suffering with bad mental health? I feel like I really just need to know that it's been possible for at least someone.
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self.depression
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i am tired being the clown Everything I do around people is so awkward. I am slow to understand jokes. Takes a lot of time to process my thoughts. I feel like I'm just making a fool of myself for being alive. People must think I'm an idiot. Can't even communicate properly. I want to have fun and enjoy my life too. I want to be liked by others and don't want to be ignored just because I'm dumb. I wish the world was smaller. Just my best friend and family members who won't every make feel uncomfortable.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Are we ever meant to grow up? Idk how adults act like everything is okay. Before that you were a child. And children need to be taken care of, but like.. are we suppose to just keep taking care of eachother or do we just focus on our lives once we're adults?
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self.depression
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Reasons to end it. 1. Parents are in significant debt paying for college. A private school instead of the much cheaper in state university. I'm just letting them down there.
2. Grades are a disappointment. Why pay so much more if I can't focus and just get fucking academics in check? It was never a problem before.
3. I've contributed mostly stress to my family away and at home. When I'm gone, I piss them off with this crappy performance. When I'm back, we bicker, fight, and argue. There may have been a time when I was something they were proud of but it's gone.
4. I can't talk to the one person who cares. Friends around us are frustrated I haven't gotten over it still, and are probably just irritated at my continued existence.
5. I don't find the game of life fun anymore. I don't see the point in swinging from happy point to happy point if it's inevitable that they're only temporary. I have seen what the end of a "full, long life" is like. It is misery. The reward for persisting long enough is to spend your days locked inside a facility that keeps you alive as long as possible, with your mind perhaps barely there. You die alone in a room perfumed with your own bodily functions you lost control of. You're cared for in name. And that's the good ending. The one that people tell you to work towards.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm afraid to grow up and live my life [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Brain /ded you ever forget what you're saying mid sentence or forget what you *just* said while completing the sentence
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self.bipolar
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Hey random strangers, sorry if this comes off weird, was feeling kind of down and was hoping some nice people could wish me a happy birthday! I'm a socially awkward dork so this is the best I could do to try and connect with people for my bday, hope it goes well.
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self.depression
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Am I depressed without knowing it? I am not sad, but I am mostly in a neutral state. I don’t have an interest to socialize and I do everything with great difficulty. I lack passion for everything, even if I know I have to do it and it will benefit me. I always feel fatigued and it is hard to start doing something. I can’t get excited about anything.
I do want friends, I do want a future and I do want a girlfriend at some point, but for some reason, I feel ‘okay’ by just existing. No happiness, no sadness. Just existence. I do want more out of life deep inside though.
I was wondering that there might be an underlying issue with me. Is my character, discipline really bad or could I be depressed?
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self.depression
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Looking for help with mental health Ever since I moved away for school, I’ve been struggling with depression. I’ve been here 3 months and haven’t made a single serious friend, witch is very discouraging because I have always been one to make friends easily. I’m in a constant state of apathy, and I don’t want to do anything, but not doing anything makes me uncomfortable. Pretty much all I have to do is play video games.
I live in Toronto, and I’m looking for a good clinic/help place. I am located near young and Dundas square.
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self.depression
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I want to end my life in order to be with my waifu. It has been about 3 weeks since I fell in love with Rias and she is the most loving and most beautiful girl I will even see.What's the point of living if I can't be with her, there's no one else that I want in this world. She would die to save the person that she loves.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like a loser because I don't drink and/or smoke [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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DAE recklessly spend when depressed? So I have a lot, and I mean a lot of makeup, a collection I've amassed in a very short timeframe. I decided about three weeks ago to stop buying makeup until I NEEDED some, and for about two weeks I did good, but the last few days I've felt fucking miserable compared to normal and I've spent about £50 on pointless purchases both online and in the drugstore. Does anyone else do this, with makeup or anything else?? It's gotten to the point I had to block all the sites I buy makeup from because I can feel myself getting lower and I don't want to spend even more, especially with Black Friday sales coming up (because even in the UK we now sadly have fucking Black Friday sales)
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self.depression
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How do I tell my SO that the idea of having kids now terrifies me? We've been together for 5years and are engaged. We've always talked about how we can't wait to have kids and all we want is to be parents. I know how much he wants kids and I used to be so excited to have kids with him.
Ever since my diagnoses about 6months ago the idea of having kids is terrifying. I have friends who's parent is bipolar and I know all of the things that they put their children through. I feel like I'm no longer capable of being a parent. And beyond that I don't want my child to have to deal possibly having bipolar disorder. It's such an ugly thing.
I don't know how to bring this up with my SO. He has always been understanding and has never once given me a reason to think he'd leave me but that's what my mind is telling me. It keeps saying that if I tell him how scared I am and that I might not want kids anymore he'll leave me. It's ridiculous but I can get it out of my head. I don't know what to do. I wanted to be a stay at home and raise my kids. Be the parent that mine could never be for me. Now I feel like I'm reevaluating my entire future. I feel so lost.
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self.bipolar
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should i distance myself from these people? hello.
i've been suicidal since early 2015, and atm i just can't deal with it anymore, i was about to finally do it earlier today, but i backed out because... idk i thought i could try life one more time. anyway i still have friends right, i still consider them good friends and all , but they're depressed and negative as fuck just like me , i dont think this is helping but i dont want to lose these friends either. what am i supposed to do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I WOULD BE BETTER OFF DEAD THIS IS WHY... Where do I start?
I’ve always being depressed and nihilistic more so now than ever before I moved to America from Jamaica 1 year ago. Back in Jamaica I felt suicidal an a Daily basis but I had hope and close friends and family I could go around to help off set my emotional burdens.
Back in Jamaica I didn’t have much materially compared to what I have now in America; for example I own a car now in Jamaica that’s like a dream to most of my friends. I have so much apportioning here and I appreciate and acknowledge that. But it feels like I have even more reason to be sad.
When I was in Jamaica my main source of hope was coming to America and creating a better life for myself and family. Now with me being here It’s as if I have no more hope for better. I have no friends, no girlfriend, I haven’t had sex since I was 17 I’m almost 21 now, I’m addicted to porn, I have no discipline I dropped hobbies that I was making progress at, I wake up with this feeling if emptiness everyday for me is a slow death.
But the absolute worst part is knowing how much potential I have laying dormant in me. I can see it and draw it out for short infrequent periods of time. I know myself to very intelligent but I fair I come off as inept and vacuous, though I’m generally seen as attractive by other women I tend to find some way to kill their attraction for me, I consider my self entrepreneurial but my greatest weakness is taking action.
I feel some of these could be blamed an me maybe having borderline personality disorder.
I have this sense of discomfort in my own body and life, and this hatred for myself. My only pleasure is fapping to porn that’s why I have become so addicted to it.
I wish I didn’t exist life and all this dormant potential is wasted an me I do not deserve myself that may sound weird but it’s how I feel. Somebody else would make better use of my life than me.
If you made this far thank you for reading.
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self.depression
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A high-schooler who's single and ready to kill himself. I can't take living anymore. I'm a 16 year old guy in 11th grade without a single real friend, a girlfriend, or a reason to live for myself. People tell me that it's okay to be alone or lonely but it's not. I feel like if I had someone just to cuddle with and talk to I would be so much happier. People tell me that I'm "smart" yet I keep doing stupid things like staying in bed rather than going to school and not doing projects and other work. People tell me that I'm "handsome" yet I've only had one girlfriend who I met in a mental hospital after losing my last (best) friend from having a mental breakdown and saying I was in love with his girlfriend. I was only with her for two months after she left the hospital (she was in there longer for self-harming) and I never even saw or touched her outside of the damn hospital. Everyone else is getting jobs, being with friends, and easily going to school yet I can barely get out of bed. I put so much pressure on myself to do well in school yet my actions are completely inconsistent along with the fact that this year will pretty much determine the rest of my life. Every night if my dreams aren't nightmares they're of me with a girlfriend, someone who actually loves me for who I am and wants hug and cuddle with me. I feel repulsive and stupid. The only reason I haven't killed myself already is because my parents already lost their daughter (my sister) to a heroin overdose and they say that if I died, they would kill themselves because they live for me. They both have had rough lives and I know that it's true. My dad is obviously slowly developing Alzheimer's and his emotional abuse of my mom has gotten worse. My mom is too precious to deserve what he does to her, which is constantly barraging her with insults to further keep her down and pull himself up from his own insecurities. I try to be nice to everyone, I try to talk to girls, I try to smile and pretend to be happy, but nothing ever works. Just typing this is a struggle and my thoughts are all over the place, I really don't want to live, I just want to press a button and *poof* out of existence. Without affecting anyone. Like as if I never lived at all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bursting into tears at pigeon dying So one effect of my depression is I get really, really, really sad about some things.
I just saw a pigeon get hit by the bus I’d just gotten off of; when I went to help it, it got hit by another car and I head it’s skull smash.
I am absolutely devastated and can’t stop myself crying at work.
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self.depression
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My bipolar SO (24M) is not on meds, is it possible to manage the disorder without them? If you are bipolar, or if your SO is bipolar - how do you/they manage the disorder without taking meds? I am looking for any helpful advice I can bring up to boyfriend. He is very anti-meds at his point in time, and I don't think I will be able to convince him otherwise. He is BP2 rapid-cycling.
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self.bipolar
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Final plea In driving to home Depot to buy the rope now. This is your last chance to either save me or give me a safer way to die.
If you're deluded enough to think you can save me, you should come here and stop me. But that's okay. No one will. People will just call me an attention whore.
Edit: damn it I'm too angry and lazy to hang myself right now (also, fuck, rope is expensive yo). I'm gonna get dinner for the moment.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't think I am ready to go back to work. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Can't sleep because of anxiety I am a 23 y/o female, and 3 years ago before my 20th birthday I started waking up in the middle of the night because of anxiety attacks. I have not gone a full week of sleeping in the last 3 years because of this, and sometimes I will only have about 4 hours sleep in 3 days. Recently I went to the doctor, who prescribed me zoloft in the morning for anxiety, and quetiapine sandoz at night for paranoia and to help me to sleep. I've been on these medications for 3 weeks they're not helping at all. I'm going back to the doctor, but I'm scared I will just keep being given medication that doesn't work. Does anybody else suffer from lack of sleep due to anxiety? If so what have you done/taken that has actually worked? Any advice is welcome. Thank you!
Edit: Any advice at all would be great because I really feel helpless at this point.
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self.Anxiety
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Working as a young adult sucks I'm 30 with a baby face so the amount of respect is hard to earn. I hate being perceived as a kid who doesn't know what they are doing. Socially I feel lost: I feel too old for people in their early 20's and I feel too young for anyone older than 35. I'm basically somewhere stuck in the middle, not a fresh faced college grad but not old enough to know everything. It sucks.
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self.offmychest
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So true "For quite awhile we have bombarded by the horrors that exist outside of ourselves, but very seldom do we recognize those that exist within."
Hit me hard.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there any medication I can take with Zoloft at night? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I guess im here because Im depressed. Hear me out, anyone out there. You dont have to be nice to me if you don't want to. I choose to begin at a very weird point in my story so bear with me.
5 years ago I began dating this girl from my school, we we're both 17. We had some good times.
In about a year's worth of time her parents told me that she had PTSD and mild schizophrenia which had gotten worse, the lying and impersonation of other people she would do was a clear sign of poor mental health. She went to another city with her parents where their doctors could help her out. This for some reason took a major toll on me. I had gradually begun to fall prey to not being able to trust people.
I graduated from Junior college (High school for people not from India) and began studying for my bachelor's degree. I made some friends in my first year, on the first day infact. Im still friends with them, at least for now.
In my second year, after a lot of getting used to new people, i started dating this other girl I new since my childhood.
We had some good times and some great times,which I won't talk about here. I was 20 and overweight (I'll get to this later).
Never had I been loved so much by someone so charming. So it began to feel like I belonged in this world.
We dated for a year again.
She had to transfer to Dubai, because her dad worked on a rig.
So her education would be handled there.
We thought we could make long distance work.
Three months into her moving there, I heard of her passing.
I was distraught.
I don't usually consume alcohol. But I remember getting piss drunk and crying about it.
It felt like the one thing I lived for was taken away from me.
Remember I said I was overweight, needless to say I'm insecure too. This has never left me. I try working out, curb my diet. Everything, but to no avail.
Skip ahead to last year, 2017, I've begun to feel like my Friends don't want me in their group anymore.
One of them suggested I do Intermittent Fasting, a dietary regimen with a consistent workout, and it helped.
But in the mean time it felt like they wanted me to do it so it won't be embarrassing for them to be seen with me. Now I've got an okay face, and as of now I've lost a fair bit of the weight (10 kilograms in 12 weeks, which for me is great progress).
You're probably saying " why is he still depressed?"
I'm ostracized by the same people who help me.
The people with whom I used to chill and go places with Everytime, the people who would voluntarily invite me now keep secrets from me, pretend like I don't exist and avoid me as much as possible.
This gives me anxiety and a insecurities.
I'm not happy.
I've never been treated like a friend by most people.
Everyone has someone to do things within my group. Whether it's among themselves or with their girlfriends or boyfriends. I always used to be involved but now I believe they've outgrown me.
This is probably why I have trust issues.
People say, be who you are.
But I can't.
I've almost had enough of this.
My music, videogames and Netflix is literally what's keeping me alive right now.
I don't want friends if it has to be this way and yes I guess I'm complaining a little. But how much can one person endure before they hit their breaking point?
Sorry to take up your time reader.
I'm immune to the "go kill yourself" comments so bring them on if you have to. But anything helpful will do too.
And thanks, if you read till the end.
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self.depression
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Took more zoloft, what now So i am a bit tarded and took my 100g of zoloft this morning and then an hour ago (maybe 12 hours later) i took another 100g instead my evening lithium pill.
Edit: its sertralin but on paper its the same as zoloft
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self.Anxiety
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First psychiatrist appointment in over 2 years tomorrow. I think I am coming on to a manic episode Tomorrow evening I have a appointment with a psychiatrist to get medication and then an appointment with my therapist right after who I have been seeing for awhile. I haven't been on meds or seen a psychiatrist on 2 years. During that time I have had some episodes but it has been months since I have had any mood swings. Last night I didn't really sleep and since 230pm Monday I have probably gotten a total of 1 hour of sleep maybe slightly more. I am feeling some of the other signs as well. I don't think I will sleep tonight. I don't know what to do. I worried tomorrow I might be worse a skip the whole thing but I'm also worried that if I text my therapist right now that I'm manic that I'll have to go home or be sent to the hospital. I'm don't know what to do and I'm scared. Sorry if this sounds like nonsense I just need to tell someone.
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self.bipolar
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Promised myself to try to get my life together next year My life could be worse right now, but it still could be better. I think 2017 has been my worst year so far. As an 18-year old girl i'm confronted with the 'career choices' topic, which is very difficult for me. I still don't know what job I want to do. (Well, actually yes, I want to be a photographer or an author, but it's difficult to reach that goal if you don't have enough motivation. And i'm not even sure about these options.)
I have anxiety and depression phases for 3 years now and i'm still fighting against them, without medication.
But it calms me when I think, that I made it so far. So I chose to try to stay alive another year.
I don't want to loose this battle without a fight.
I even told my therapist, that I want to try meds, because I just feel that talking doesn't really help (My biggest problem is that I can't start things. I want to do stuff, but I just can't. It's like i'm tied up to my bed.) She gave me an appointment with the doctor , so he could find out if meds are necessary.
I really wanted to avoid meds, but none of my problems can get in my way right now. 2018 is going to be a very important year, and if I don't get my life together then, I never will.
For now, I also wish everyone else a fresh new start.
A new year is a new chance.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Please read - bipolar/marijuana/college Hi guys,
I am college athlete diagnosed with bipolar type II in summer 2015. My doctor put me on lithium and it has been great for me. In June 2016, during a soccer pre-season, some of my soccer buddies kind of peer pressured me into smoking weed (1/8). That was one and only time I smoked marijuana, but ever since then, I have suffered so much: quit the soccer team, dropped out of classes. It's been 6 months now - I'm still on lithium, but since smoking, I have been have so many side effects that I did not used to have. My psychiatrist is a Harvard educated - so he did blood work(thyroid,kidney function,etc.) - everything returned normal. He is saying it's gonna take time. Has anyone ever had such a long withdrawal/recovery from weed? I'm so tired of suffering - how long before my brain restores itself? Any personal bipolar/weed experiences? Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.
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self.bipolar
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Ready to Die I'm ready to die. I've been dealt a shit genetic hand. I was born with a deformed ear, asymmetrical face, acne ever since puberty, I'm tall and lanky and clothes never fit me, I can't grow a beard, and now I'm starting to bald. I'm highly introverted and it's hard for me to even have a conversation. I've abused alcohol for 8 years and I got sober 1 year ago, but my brain is still slow. I've dealt with anxiety and depression my entire life. I graduated college with a civil engineering degree, but because my anxiety and depression, nobody takes me seriously. I'm lucky to have the job I have. I work for a electric and gas utility, but it sucks and the work is uninspiring. I would like to do something else, but I don't know what that is and don't think I'll be successful at it. Instead of trying something new, I would rather die. I just don't have the strength or desire anymore to keep going. I know when it comes to looks, if you cant change something you should feature it. But I want to be a brat and not accept my looks. All I want is to be is handsome. Nobody really likes me because I can't get over myself. All of my cousins don't like me because they feel that I am judging them for being fat and ugly. Which I am, I'm an asshole. Growing up, I always judged people and made them feel bad. I'm an asshole. And now I want to die. I'm not a good person. So when I'm dead, I don't want people to stetch to find something nice to say about me. I'm an asshole and I'm choosing to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Doesn't matter Enjoyment is a big fat fucking lie. Enjoyment doesn't matter. Enjoyment does't get you a girlfriend, Enjoyment doesn't stop your landlords from hounding you about rent, Enjoyment doesn't make your worldview any less pessimistic, Enjoyment doesn't make you feel fulfilled, no matter what you say to the contrary.
Y'now why? Because it's all false. Being happy and being stable are two drastically different things. Human beings are not meant to live, they are meant to SURVIVE. If they can't they die. That's the way it is, and how it will always be.
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self.offmychest
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I don't want to live each day like this anymore. I wrote this out on facebook, couldn't post it there but had to put it somewhere.
Do you ever get the feeling that your biggest problem is you?? Like, if you were anyone BUT yourself in this exact situation then you would be a better person, more sucessful by whatever measure matters to you, genuninely happy, driven, and actually enjoying life.
But you aren't someone else, and you aren't any of those things.
It's the feeling that makes you realize the truth is you've had all this opportunity in front of you that many others are more deserving of, and you can't get your shit together and take advantage of it. Not for lack of trying, but for simply being incapable.
It's the feeling of self doubt that stems from this, when you start to tell yourself that ypu shouldn't try to improve because you know you're worthless; Don't further disappoint yourself by pretending you can change.
It's the feeling that turns to anger, anger at yourself for being so fucking pathetic. How'd you end up this fucked up when you had so much going for you? how does anyone fuck that up?
The tightness in your chest, short, rasping breaths that make your raw throat sting. The cold tile on you feet and the cold steel of a razor in your hand.
It's the feeling you get when you look yourself in eye above the bathroom sink and say "You deserve to die", and you know it's true.
It's that feeling that is on my mind, Facebook. It's always on my fucking mind.
*Edit: a word
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self.SuicideWatch
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Tell me it’s ok to put myself before my work. I have moderate depression that comes in “waves” I’ll have a week or two of normality, then a week or two of absolute dread and emptiness. Today it’s pretty bad. I’m an empty shell, going through the motions and feeling nothing. I’m fake laughing at my coworkers’ jokes and every time I do it just gets worse. I work in a mental health hospital and I love my job, but when I’m depressed, it only sends me spiraling down. I’m the only person in the hospital with my title, and the only one that can do my job, so when I leave, my patients not only lose consistency, but also get lackluster treatment for the day. But I know that it’s not worth putting my mental health on the line, and that the treatment I would provide in this state would be just as underwhelming. I just feel this overwhelming guilt for abandoning my responsibilities just to go home and wallow in self-pity, even though that helps because I’m recharged by my own home. I know it’s right to leave, I just need to hear it from someone else. I need to know I’m not using this as an excuse to leave.
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self.depression
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Counting down.... I've previously posted about how I'm planning on killing myself soon. (Not that anyone cares anyway) This past hour or so I spent time writing letters to people who matter in my life. I also got drunk a bit. Tomorrow at 3:30pm I will do my duty. I'll keep you posted.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Too scared to see family Today is my Grandma's 80th birthday, and I'm too scared to go see her. All week I've known me and my parents were going to see her, and I'd sort of come to terms with it. However earlier tonight I learned that my Auntie, Uncle and their young son would be there too. This completely sent me into a panic, I didn't have a plan. I started sweating and feeling like I was going to pass out. I told my parents I couldn't go and my dad said "it's your grandmothers 80th birthday, I think you should make more of an effort". It's been seven years since my breakdown, seven years since I left college and ceased contact with the outside world. How does he still not get it? The worst part is that there's a party at my Grandmas house on Saturday with family I haven't seen in years, how on earth am I supposed to attend that?
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self.Anxiety
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Unhealthy situations I just want to let others know that living in unhealthy situations e.g toxic relationship really does make your bipolar worse. I've just left an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and my manic episodes have decreased MASSIVELY. Don't be afraid to leave, don't be scared of what others are going to do to. My ex used to pull the suicide card on me so that I wouldn't leave, I let it get to the point where he knocked my tooth out so I left. He didn't kill himself. He won't kill himself. So don't EVER be afraid to leave a horrible situation/lifestyle. I feel so alive right now, more than I have in 2 years. Please know that there is hope and there are ways out, be selfish, leave bad situations for yourself, not for anyone one else. Take the time you need for yourself. Things DO get better 💜
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self.bipolar
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The Trouble I never dreamt it could have lasted this long. It feels like every moment the feelings abate are really only a brief reprieve, the returning torment tears into my psyche with even less remourse. The corruption grows ever inside me, sometimes sleeping only to awake at times it needs to destroy.
The point of trauma feels so far away in time, nearly four years. When the episodes occur, it only feels as it happened just seconds prior. I have no physical ailments, only desolation of the mind. I haven't found an environment for healing, and I don't think I ever will. Isolation is sporadically maddening, not knowing if I'm truly losing my sanity or just feeling the pangs of past wrongdoings. Social circumstances are not helpful to the source of pain, when the episodes occur, all others can sense the turmoil and recoil at the possibility of backlash from this force.
It is a malevolent manifestation of my reality. All manner of action: speech, observation, hearing, all the surroundings are contorted to keep me bound to its dark will. None can even attempt to wrest control of the power it wields, its strength is insurmountable. I'm but a prisoner to its will, the slightest misstep in my path through life it sees an opportunity to grow and infest more within the spirit.
I feel as undeserving to face a plight so dire. It only exists when it feels the possibility to arise. I feel as though an instrument or vessel of its ill conceit. I look into a mirror to see a fair face staring back, crystal blue eyes, a symmetry throughout; many smiles from others abound me in my days, and I feel yet obligated to receive this blessing. My looks yet deceive my emotion, for I know a disgusted figure is writhing within. I cannot tell what yet be unattractive to most: a physical flaw or a scarring of the soul that only seeks to rend into another. I won't let my fellow man that deserve peace be upended in their stable life by a force so reckless.
So I reserve myself, keeping this force of trauma at bay from others, while enduring the suffering of its imprisonment. If love could break its chains that bind itself to me and I to it; it has not yet been gifted from those that radiate beauty throughout, or even a divine power to ease my pain. Society has disillusioned me of the agony I face. I am aware of flaws of the human nature that are best left ignored. Faced against this foe forces my consciousness to the dark reality.
I only wish I had an answer or remedy to this trouble, I fear that none may be found.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know anymore. I'm suicidal, and very depressed right now.
People say it gets better, and it does, but it gets worse again too, but that's life, and fuck it, I don't want to be apart of it. All day I've been contemplating. I don't know, I need help or something.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I gained a bunch of weight this year and I feel disgusting and I hate myself. around 35 pounds to be exact. I had been working seven days a week, eating fast food here and there but not a whole lot, keeping to myself and basically sleeping when I wasn't working. I went through a really painful breakup this April and noticed my body changing a lot afterwards, especially with acne- I was getting cystic acne fucking everywhere and had chest pains. Then came the weight gain, my stomach was getting bigger, my pants weren't fitting anymore and I was getting a double chin. My doctor dismissed it due to 'stress', wouldn't get my hormone levels tested more thoroughly or anything (thyroid problems run in my family, he said my levels were normal and would not refer me to an endocrinologist). Several months later I feel fucking disgusting and even though I have really changed my eating habits (I eat mostly whole grains, lean protein and fruits and veggies) my weight won't budge. I get really bad boils and acne on my chest, breasts, back and face. I have new stretch marks on my tummy (underneath my bellybutton) and I want to cry and vomit every time I look in the mirror, and there seem to be more each time I look. Cocoa butter won't do anything. Dieting won't do anything. My therapist and the five different doctors i've been to won't fucking take me seriously. I feel so fucking gross, no wonder my ex boyfriend didn't want me.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like an egg i build up shells to stop people from seeing who i am. i may seem happy but thats just an act, if people saw who i really am theyd put me away in some hospital. I sit here blood on my legs out of the cuts that i madea My shell is breaking I cant do anythind nobody can knwo idon tknow what to do anyt more
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self.depression
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LOCK HIM UP OOOOH BOY YOU GOIN DOWN
LOCK HIM UP
LOCK HIM UP
LOCK HIM UP
LOCK HIM UP
MY MAN MUELLER COMIN FOR YOU
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self.offmychest
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My mind is gone now it’s time to go I’m losing my mind, slowly at first and now it’s an avalanche. My mind is always racing and my thoughts go round and round. I have cognitive problems and I can’t understand what anyone is saying. I’m deteriorating. I cry everyday, sobbing so hard I wear myself out. I lock myself in the bathroom at work and cry in the dark as quietly as I can. It’s been 3 years since I had a psychotic break. I took too many pills. Now my mind is broken, so broken that there is hardly any of me left. I can’t talk straight anymore because I can’t think straight. I am as quiet as a mouse, can’t look anyone in the eye. I am so alone. 3 years ago I was pretty, and smart, and funny, and full of life. Now I want to die. When there’s no more life, what other choice can be made.
I can’t live like this anymore. So much pain. No more hope. It’s all gone. I’m gone. I am completely, and utterly gone. It’s almost time to say goodbye.
Thank you for listening.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My brother just gave me one of the best Christmas presents He’s abroad for a year right now. We sent him to stay with a family in Maine in the US.
We knew them beforehand. He’s staying with one of the daughters of the host family my mum was with when she did her year abroad ages ago. They stayed in touch and came to visit us in 2015. In 2016, we spent our summer holidays over there and they decided to take my brother in for a year.
When we visited them last year, I fell in love with some honey mustard spread from Hannaford’s. We don’t get that over here in Germany and I was out of that amazing spread by spring this year. My mum made an amazing substitute herself, but soon I was out of that as well. Today, my brother’s Christmas parcel arrived. He got a glass of that lovely “taste of inspirations honey mustard mix”.
One of the, if not *the* best present this year.
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self.offmychest
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Missed the PM dose of my meds last night. Kind of miserable. Advice? I've been taking 20 mg of Latuda with 1500 mg of Lithium (900 AM/600 PM) since last October and I can't say enough how grateful I am about how much its helped me. I don't remember the last time I felt any bit depressed..... until today.
Last night I missed my PM dose of Lithium and my Latuda after falling asleep too early. Today I have felt so down and shaky and unhappy and I can't seem to pull myself out of this mindset. I have to do a bunch of schoolwork tonight and all day tomorrow and I don't want to be distracted by this.
Is anyone taking either of these meds and has missed a dose share how they felt the next day and how dealt with it? I'm just curious if how I feel is normal.
I'm open to any advice for how to make myself feel better bc this suuuuuuckkkkkss.
Thank you all in advance!
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self.bipolar
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I would already be dead if my family wasn't there [deleted]
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self.depression
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I think I'm anorexic? But I want to fix it myself, not be fixed by someone else. I just.. dunno. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I don't love enough You've been so kind to me, love me unconditionally.
We bonded through our depression and you accept mine without ever trying to force me to get better you're just there to be beside me during my pain to make it hurt less.
I've grown so strong thanks to you.
You deserve someone to hold your hand when your heart hurts.
I've tried to be that person because you're dear to me and deserve that in a friend.
You let me use you and go to you and I want you to use me too for whatever I'm worth as your friend.
The long talks and the tears and the frustrated companionship I've loved all of it. We've passed boundaries we probably shouldn't have but you make me feel so...good. Do I make you feel that way too? Sometimes I wish I didn't.
Because I can't leave my country and language and family for you. I can't go to you. I love you so much I cry to myself when you're away because I know I don't deserve you...but I keep you because I can't live without you. I want, need you to leave me first, I never want to hurt you, hurt me instead. Please. I'm sorry.
I want you to be strong, I want to support you through your depression. I want to be your friend even if...
You've been so kind to me, you tell me you love me because I taught you how to love, I love you.
But not enough. I'm a rotten woman.
You make me feel so good.
You make me feel worse.
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self.depression
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My laziness is destroying my life I can just spend hours doing nothing but browsing the internet and doing jack shit. I'm still young I can still do something. But what IS WRONG WITH ME WHY WON'T I DO ANYTHING. I'm fucking worthless, how do i fix my retarded brain.
I'm literally too lazy to get a job and buy a .45 ACP to end it. But maybe if i destroy my life enough I will do something desperate like jump off a building.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hi everyone. Can we discuss physical symptoms of anxiety? Does anyone suffer from a more physical form of anxiety? Or have any physical symptoms along with the thoughts/feelings?
Please let me know. I get horrific aches and pains, chest pains too. I have had every heart test known to mankind and they're all clear.
It's horrible and I feel a never endinf cycle. Pain > anxious of pain > why do I have pain > what is happening > worry > more pain.
Anyone else?
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self.Anxiety
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I've developed feelings for my housemate and I'm not sure what to do... I've developed feelings for my housemate and I'm not sure what to do... this could be a bit scatter brain, but here goes.
10 months ago I got a new housemate (Im 32/M, my housemate is 32/F i'll call her "S") - previously I'd been living with a work colleague/friend (male) for a number of years who moved on to a different city for work.
Because of a number of factors (work, his girlfriend), he spent a fair bit of time away, so I got used to living by myself and quite enjoyed it. So when he told me that he was moving, I considered a number of options including living by myself but put the feelers out for a new housemate to see what options there were before making the final decision - this is how I met S. She was keen to move in and I thought that sharing the house that I was in was better then trying to find a new place that was a bit smaller for just me so after a lot of thinking, I said yes and she moved in.
First few weeks went really quickly - we were both busy with work and other things, she became a part of a circle of friends that I have as well. What became apparent was that we shared a lot of similar interests and started to get on really well.
A few months after she moved in and after we had done a few things together, I got a call from my Dad who wanted to know about the person I was seeing - family friends and acquaintances had seen us out together and put two and two together and got five - it was a weird experience to discuss this with him given its not something we'd ever spoken about in any context or circumstance previously. I laughed it off and went on with things.
Then during the middle of the year a few things fell apart for me (I was diagnosed with mild depression) and she has been immensely helpful in seeking assistance but also has been willing to sit and listen to me talk what at time must have been absolute garbage as I tried to process stuff, for that I owe her a lot for her help.
I really enjoy living with her and there is only limited time left of that - she will move mid next year to a new posting.
At some point along the way, I've developed feelings for S - I don't know exactly when, nor can I really explain what these feelings are - this is a completely new thing for me, I've never felt anything like this about anyone or anything before and I now don't know what to do about it (if I do anything at all) - I'm not an impulsive person, things I do that may appear externally to be impulsive are actually the opposite, I've thought through all permutations, I've considered any risks and have a plan. With this, I don't feel equipped in anyway to do this, so I err on the side of not doing anything.
Its probably important at this point to reveal something about me - this is completely new territory for me, not only is what I'm feeling new, I don't know what the feelings actually are but I have suspicions. I've always struggled with the opposite sex and for a long time I wasn't all that interested in relationships or sex and to some extent I'm not now and I'm not afraid of being single. It's only recently that I've been able to overcome some of my struggles and be able to form friendships with women, but I've never wanted anything other then friendship.
I have doubts, doubts about me and my ability to actually make anything work, I doubt that she is in anyway interested and I have doubt that doing something about it going to upset what is a good living environment and I don't want that. She is a great person and I don't want to lose her friendship - if that means I do nothing about the feelings then thats something I'm willing to do.
I'm not sure what to do and its possible that no one will reply to this, but it does feel good to have written something about it.
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self.offmychest
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Having a horrible day I haven't felt like this in a while. I've thought seriously about killing myself several times today and the only thing that's stopped me is imagining my siblings and family's pain after hearing about it. I hate this. And after having a great weekend
I don't know what to do in times like this
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self.bipolar
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what do you do once you realize you'll never ever get the validation you crave? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Budding work friendship turned unprofessional and now it's all ruined. I've been working on this intensive project for a bit over a month now- in the field, heavy machinery, FEMA stuff. I represent the company putting forth funds, who hired other companies to do the work and make sure everything is FEMA accountable. I'm the only female on-site- not a big deal, I'm used to this, and am pretty good at earning respect (beyond just my title) because I work hard, don't hesitate to join in and get dirty, and basically get shit done. Other an initial period of, "ah man, they sent us a girl, we'd better treat her like a fragile flower" in the beginning, I quickly become part of the crew.
You get to know who you're working with pretty well on jobs like this, bond with the people sweating around you. I fell in with this one guy who was the same age and had a similar background and shared interests. It quickly came up that we were both in serious relationships and we would talk about our SOs, so I was relaxed and pretty happy to have found a kindred spirit without any concern of nonplatonic issues coming into play.
...
Until last Friday, when he inexplicably started saying he wished I was single, called me adorable, and mentioned several times that the crew was talking about how much time we were spending together. No warning, just started.
...
I'm not a fool. I never flirted, never gave an impression that I was interested. I kept my distance- no non-work contact, no social media, etc.
After wracking my brain, I remember that after he was out of town for a family emergency, I said I was glad he was back because he was my favourite to talk to. That's the only goddamn thing, and I said it with one of my colleagues there, so it wasn't like I was being sultry about it.
Anyway. I didn't shut it down well on Friday- I treated it as I would guy friend hitting on me, with gentle letdowns ("says the guy who isn't single"), nonencouragement, and a statement of, "I'm really not comfortable with the crew talking like that." It was stupid fluff because I was caught by complete surprise (I was even helping him design a necklace for his girlfriend!) and it's hard to shutdown nonassholes on the spot.
Spent the weekend stressing out. Spent Monday morning stressing out. I've worked hard to get where I am and to have the reputation I have- I can't risk losing that or crap happening. I can't have rumors that I'm "that girl."
Talked to his boss in the field on Monday. I emphasized that I wasn't upset, didn't feel harassed or threatened, and that if it wasn't on the job, I'd have even been flattered (if still not interested). Just- things HAVE to be professional, and if the crew is already talking, there's a big problem. (If it had just been the guy hitting on me, I would have just talked to him, but since he brought up the crew talking about us, I wanted the boss to know there absolutely wasn't anything and to cover my ass).
Boss understood and had a quick talk with him. I talk to him a bit later. Things seem fine, not even awkward. Yay!
...
He wasn't there today. I didn't feel comfortable asking the other crew about him, I'm certainly not going to text him, and the boss wasn't there to ask. Chances are, he was either reassigned (I have no reason to think he was fired- he's valuable to his company) or asked to leave. And I feel a mix of super shitty and fairly pissed- he was GOOD for this project, but it's not my fault he suddenly decided to be unprofessional.
And, damn it all, I do miss his company. That pisses me off the most. We got along well, professionally and personally. I was hoping at the end of the project, we actually could be *real* friends. Why'd he have to screw that up?
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self.offmychest
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I've literally never felt more alone in my life than I do right now. I lost a relationship this year, I lost family members, I lost SO many friends, especially to drugs. It's like I'm putting on blinders thru social media to pretend that I'm doing just fine on my own. In all honesty I cry every single fucking day. I've been in therapy for three weeks now and I don't think it's going to help. I can barely afford it either. I've such a sad childhood and now such a sad adult life. Coming to terms with the fact that no one cares about me or if I die isn't easy. At all. I'm so sick of pretending that im doing fine when in reality i can barely get thru every day.
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self.offmychest
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Why am I depressed? I shouldn’t be. I have a girlfriend, I get good grades, I have parents who love me. What the fuck is wrong with me?
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self.depression
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Everytime I am invited to a party/social gathering I sit at home hating myself filled with regret. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Completely drop the ball EVERYTIME Stopped showing to classes, only income is from my mother for babysitting my baby brother, nothing interests me anymore, and still obsessing over a relationship that ended 3 years ago.
The xanax doesn't numb me like it used to, the books I've bought to keep me company no longer interest me.
All I have is my music, and my cat.
I know I'll bust out of this funk, but I'm tired of having to deal with this anyways. Why was I chosen to live between hell and purgatory.
/rant
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self.bipolar
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Propranolol as and when? Hello r/anxiety. It’s my first time posting here so I’m sorry if this is the wrong place or if I break any rules.
Anywho I’ve been given Propranolol 40mg today by my Dr and he said I can take it as and when it’s needed as it’s not addictive or anything. I was just wondering if anyone else has any experience taking this way as opposed to a certain amount everyday. My prescription says one to be taken up to 3x a day, but my Dr was clear that I only need to take it when I face uncomfortable situations where I know I will become anxious.
I am hesitant to take it everyday as I know weight gain can be a side effect, and as someone who’s struggled with eating disorders in the past I have a phobia of gaining too much weight. Also, I’m not every day put in situations where I need relief from anxiety. I’m self employed so I have reasonable control over when I need to face social situations etc.
Hopefully that all makes sense and some of you guys can shed some light and on your experience with Propranolol.
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
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Lost my job earlier [needs support/hugs] I've been looking for a full time job for a while in my field, and started waiting tables recently. My anxiety has gotten rough again, and I've been having trouble. I missed a shift today and in the midst of a major panic attack I messaged my boss and quit. I was so anxious I thought going in to the restaurant and feeling like I had to stay and work was too much for me. I am really worried about my future as it feels my anxiety always has me quitting jobs or having issues while I was in school. I can't even travel and work out of state as last time I tried I missed my interview and was nearly hospitalized with severe anxiety (travel is a trigger for me). I just got out of college and I'm really worried about how I can survive the working world in my future, otherwise I wouldn't care about losing this job. It hurts though and I feel like a total failure...
Thanks for reading.
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self.Anxiety
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Do antidepressants work? Can a doctor prescribe them for you? Right now I'm going through a really tough and depressed period and this has been going on for around a month or so. I don't feel like I can get better right now and I feel very suicidal (even though I don't have the courage to do it yet) I've lost my appetite and just want to sleep all day and do nothing. I want to get better and was wondering if anti depressants work and if I can get a doctor to prescribe them to me? Thank you so much.
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self.depression
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My girlfriend’s invited her friend round. That was 3 hours ago. And I’m stuck upstairs getting hungry. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Weird adrenaline feeling knowing youre going to do it? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need to Vent About Some Things Sorry for the super vague, generic title but I really need to vent after enduring another one of the worst days of my life. This will be long, boring and hastily/not well written so I don’t expect anyone to read even past this point.
I’m a 19 year old male and for as long as I can remember I’ve suffered from social anxiety; for a long time I couldn’t figure out what was wrong and just accepted my problem as a part of who I am. I am also very introverted and most of the activities I enjoy are solitary. This combination resulted in me not having very many friends and for years at a time (since elementary school), not having any friends at all. In my entire life I have had maybe 3 friends who I would talk to daily in class or at recess throughout elementary school but never did anything outside of that. Part of me always felt ashamed and strange for not having friends but when I’d imagine having friends I couldnt come up with anything I would do with them, much less figure out how to make them. It would take too long to explain this here but I am a very creative person and for as long as I can remmber would write stories and imagine expansive fictional universes and not having anyone to share them would make me sad many times but not necessarily depressed.
Fast forward to middle school and due to emotional abuse for the first time I remember depression hit me hard. My living situation had to change, I had to transfer to a considerably larger school which I hated and stopped caring about grades or anything else school related. Before then I was always a straight-A student and was regarded as one of the smartest kids in my class despite no one really knowing me. Instead of doing schoolwork I took up an interest in programming and spent many hours, every day learning and practicing. After nearly failing I got reprimanded and had to get my shit together to graduate.
Fast forward to freshman year of high school and I attended a smaller school where I felt a bit more comfortable, my depression had subsided and I was back to being a straight-A student. My programming hobby turned into a serious personal project which I poured hundreds of hours into in my free time and kept me motivated. Still had no friends and felt anxious, etc. but I could cope until I developed the hardest crush in my life so far. I obviously felt the most anxiety around them and despite my best efforts could never even manage to say “hi” to them. After my failure with this I became quite depressed again, gave up on the idea of having relationships and lost motivation to go to school. It never got as bad as middle school but I had missed many days at a time, feigning sickness, and developed severe procrastination issues. Despite this, my grades only suffered slightly and I still managed to graduate valedictorian (too anxious to give a speech) and get accepted into university where I would major in CS. Everybody told and continues to tell me college is supposed to be the best time of my life but it’s been the exact opposite.
Continued below...
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self.depression
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It makes no difference whether I kill myself or not. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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The hardest part of looking for work is having to pretend I don't need work Seriously. It is so hard to go on interviews all the time and keep coming up with answers to the question of "why do you want to work for us?" Apparently the answer "so I can afford to pay rent and keep a roof over my kids head" is not acceptable. In fact, the only time someone asked what my husband did and I mentioned I was a single parent, the interview came to a screeching halt. Why does it seem that the more you need a job, the harder it is to get one? I went to a group interview today, it was the third and final interview in a process. We played ice breaker games as a group. I don't know if I get the job, they said they'd call me tomorrow, but I'm sitting there playing ice breaker games with high school students and I realized that they legit could be chosen over me, they're young, they're enthusiastic, they're full of energy, not one of them is worried about how to pay the electric bill next month and the employer never has to worry about them taking time off for a sick kid. I try to show my strengths, I'm a hard worker, I'm loyal, I know how to handle difficult customers, I'm dependeble, I'm trustworthy, I can multitask and troubleshoot like a boss, but I need the job, and I feel like that does me in every time. I have been told by so many people "well, you can always just apply for government assistance." Fuck me for wanting to work instead of get cash aid. People wonder why so many single parents live off the system, I don't have to wonder anymore. The amount of applications I have put out, the amount of interviews I have gone on, the amount of people who have told me they're sure I would qualify for government assistance is getting ridiculous. For fucks sake. I just want a job. Why is this so freaking hard?
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self.offmychest
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Unsure of how others feel? I have a severe anxiety disorder, having said that I have moments where Im extremely clear and sharp and funny, I was wondering if others feel like this all the time seeing as they dont have a disorder like me.
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self.Anxiety
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Has the “Self Checkout” area at the Supermarket been a game changer for anyone else? No waiting in long lines (most of the time)
No uncomfortable interactions with cashiers
You generally don’t have someone behind you breathing down your neck
Just in and out. It doesn’t solve all my anxiety about supermarkets but it sure as hell helps a lot.
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self.Anxiety
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How do I get my self to stop? Every night is the same fucking thing of me crying myself to sleep while my mind constantly tells myself to fuck off and die. I can't stop hating myself. I can't stop telling myself I'm a piece of shit who should be mercy killed. I'm not happy I don't remember the last time I have been. I hate myself and here I am in tears calling myself a mistake as I write this because this is all I know at this point
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self.depression
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I cant tell if I'm faking I'm such a pathetic attention whore, I'll do anything for it. I'll tell racist jokes, if I think it'll make people laugh. I'll go on a tirade about how offensive racist humor is, if I think it'll make people respect me. I do nothing. Ive never done anything.
The only things I ever consistently wanted in my life were to study at a prestigious university and to fall in love. There have been other dreams-- smaller ones, some which I've accomplished, most which I haven't-- but those two were the big ones.
Well, the university thing isn't happening. I already went to college-- to a shit one, and got shit grades at it. And I'm too old and in too much debt to try to go back. They wouldn't want me even if I weren't in debt. I don't have anything I want to study in particular anyway.
And I can't fall in love. I don't know why, but I just can't. I'm attractive enough, I think, and a young girl. I can make people laugh. I can talk to people and say all the right things, but no one is interested in me. Its like they can smell it on me.
I keep trying.
Every year it's the same thing: I destroy my life somehow (quit my job, alienate my friends, get drunk and make an ass of myself so badly I can't show my face around my old haunts anymore), and then I move somewhere even farther away, and I try again. Every time I've convinced myself that things will get better. I convince myself I'm making progress.
Well, I just destroyed everything again. Or, rather, I'm on the edge of destroying it. I had a massive breakdown yesterday-- the whole works. Crying in public, screaming at strangers, texting everyone I ever knew to either tell them humiliating things about myself or to try and hurt their feelings, just to prove that I could. It happens every year, and is usually followed by me quitting and moving.
The only problem is, this time I have no where to go once its done. I'm already as far away as I can get, and I don't have the money or the resources to leave again. I have no where to go this time.
Except, I realized, I can just kill myself.
I have a plan. I have the tools for it too. They're sitting on a shelf next to my good luck charms and my old stuffed animal from when I was a kid. I have more than enough to do the trick. And I've already cleaned up my apartment and everything, threw away all the embarrassing things I wouldn't want anyone to see.
I don't have a note. But I don't think I need a note. Maybe this is a note.
I have these other sides of me that I project into actual people to talk to, because I'm lonely, and because it helps me think. It helps me sort out the responsible thoughts from the irresponsible ones. It helps me realize when I'm being vain, or selfish, or immature, because they're separate personifications.
There's a new one now, that's been there since yesterday.
It keeps telling me to do it. Anytime for the past 24 hours when I go to do anything, it's saying "how about now". It's telling me the logic behind it. It's telling me about how I've never really done anything in my life, just talked about it-- said how I'm going to be this or that one day, and then give it up later; pronounce how from today on I'm losing weight or I'm going to be an artist or I'm going to read more, but I never do. It's telling me that this is finally my chance to go through with something.
I have a plan. And I have the materials. And I have the reasoning, and I'm trapped, and I have no where else to go.
But I'm not an idiot. And I know that if you're suicidal-- really suicidal-- you're supposed to go to the hospital and tell them and they help you.
But if I'm not really-- if this is just another time of me not doing anything, or doing something for attention, or some weird twisted way to get an extended vacation from work-- then I would be mortified to go there and have them find out that I'm not actually suicidal, just dramatic and vacuous and a waste of their time and energy.
It looks like I'm close to it. I'm making it look like I'm very close to it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My truth has always scared people in real life. I need to release some of the weight I feel. So here's my life story Reddit. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does Anybody worry that the bus you need won't turn up and you'll miss work/class? I'm beyond stressed right now. I have to go on work experience next Monday(for two weeks) for college, but I have no idea how to get to the place I'm supposed to be working. I live very close to the college I attend, so I've never had to take the bus before in this city. I don't know how to take the bus. I can't understand the schedule and it's too far to walk. I don't even know which bus number to take. This is all so overwhelming to me. I'd drop out of college right now, but I'm not financially able right now, and I don't know what else to do.
Also, we have to wear business casual clothes and this just makes me feel stupid and out of place. I'm in my early 20's but I look 13, so I'm going to feel so intimidated by everyone who knows what they're doing.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m just so tired It’s been coming for a while now. I’ve known that. I think my boyfriend has realized it too. I’m tired. I’m not going to go back into the hospital. I don’t want to get better. I just want to die. I’ve written a letter to my boyfriend and I have a plan. I just need to find a day no one will be home and find a good tree in the woods. I have triple Insurance that it’ll work. Pills x alcohol, gun, noose. I’m not taking any chances. I’m so tired
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think I'm in love With my boyfriend. And I'm excited, and scared, and happy. I haven't had this feeling in such a long time.
He's the best part of my day, so much fun to be around, makes my stress melt away, and I can truly be myself around him. He's not perfect but I don't think there's anything I would really change about him.
He just makes me happy.
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self.offmychest
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I fell in love with a married man online [removed]
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety w/ 14yo I get usual anxiety due to thinking too much about certain things. For example, I get usual paranoias about my friends, crushes and family (usual teenager stuff) and I usually get sad when something bad happens between me and my crush/family (again, not the problem). I'm not antisocial, I have plenty of friends, yet I almost always feel alone (something missing that is).
The problem is that I think I'm getting too anxious both for my age and for the things I get anxious about. I don't become anxious about exams nor anything like that. But I feel really sad for things that shouldn't matter that much.
I also think I fall very easily in "love" (I'm well aware that this sounds corny as fuck) and it's stupid for me, since I'm only 14.
So being 14 I'm really anxious and depressed at times and I just can't fix it. And I'm talking real anxiety. I've had a couple panic attack. Plus insomnias and paranoia. I easily overanalyze things with not that much meaning and that fucks me up.
Yes, every time I'm anxious I breath deeply and that usually. But do you think there's some way that I stop overanalyzing and overliking something that I shouldn't?
By the way, anyone to just chat? I think I need to talk to someone I don't know.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm worthless I am utterly worthless. I'm no better than a child and the only way to move past that is to admit it but I fucking can't handle how low and irresponsible I've become. I just want it all to fucking end. Any hint of being a functional adult makes me want to shut down. I can't do this and I won't. I'm weak. I'm fucking pathetic.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety is unbearable. I feel like I'd be better off gone. I have yet to tell anyone of my problems. I want to tell my family but my anxiety is telling me not to. All of the extra attention isn't necessarily something I want to deal with. And it'd make things so much more difficult. I think offing myself is the best choice and the urge is becoming stronger. I know I need help but I'm too afraid to get it. Depression and anxiety sure are a bitch.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What activities help you decrease or forget about your anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else here sometimes FEEL disabled? Long series of events that have preempted this post. My mood dropped over Christmas, had to increase my seroquel dose which has lead to over sedation. Struggling to keep up with my course at university as a result. Also dealing with my ex and seeing my kids- basically being treated like a cripple throughout and I guess I feel like I just want to be normal for once. I hate this fucking illness and what it does to me trying to be 'stable'. Does anyone else sometimes just feel disabled by their condition? Trying so hard at the moment to cover all bases and catch up with life, the depression at Christmas just really flawed me :(. Thanks guys.
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self.bipolar
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I hate that I constantly compare myself to him. I loved him for years, and unfortunately those feelings of love will probably never go away, but I do not want him. It just would not work. We are two completely different people.
But is it love? Is it jealousy? Is it both? Because I always feel inadequate compared to him. With every move I make in life, I end up thinking, "he could do this so much better," because he is skilled at it all. I've seen him pick up many skills. I feel like he can do anything. I end up crying and stepping away from a hobby I start trying to pick up because I just feel like such an amateur in comparison. The one thing I thought I had over him, he started picking up on and mastering too. That was what really broke me down.
I compare myself to others, sure, but with everyone else I'm mostly fine at the end of the day. Comparing myself to him is what takes up a lot of space in my day and actually hurts me. I want to view myself the way I view him.
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self.offmychest
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I can't live with myself anymore I'm a pedophile. I admit it. I'm attracted to underage girls. I'm not sure I can keep going on knowing that I could one day act on these desires, ruining someone elses life in the process. I am 28 years old and have had these feelings since I was about 19. I've never abused a child and never would, but have viewed images online, so-called "jailbait" pictures of teenage girls. This has been kept hidden for so long but as I grow older I see friends from high school and college getting married and having kids of their own, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? I live with my parents and I'm fairly certain they know now too. I think I've heard them talk about it downstairs, and I can feel their anger every time they look at me now. Next time I'm in my car, I might just pull over somewhere and jump off an overpass. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm a disgusting piece of shit, I'm sorry I couldn't be what my parents wanted me to be, I'm sorry for indulging in those possibly illegal images. I've pretty much accepted that this will never allow me to fully be a part of society, and I can't do this anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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It’s super frustrating being super anxious and being told it’s all in my head... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anybody try vita vocal or something similar? My anxiety attacks have gotten a little more frequent, and my sister recommended these pills from amazon that friend uses. I’m super skeptical against all medications because I’m scared of being hollowed out or numb or whatever, but I’m getting kind of desperate. Anybody got an opinion on these?
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self.Anxiety
|
Has anyone had a try at CBD with combating depressive symptoms? I recently totally came off my meds 75% because I lost insurance and 25% because I'm tired of the side effects (food/water tasting metallic, weight gain/inability to lose, sleep issues, cost, along countless others). I'm now looking into more holistic/therapeutic ways to manage my symptoms while I continue to juggle work, school, and home life.
I understand that coming off my meds completely wasn't entirely a great idea (trust me, I'm feeling EVERYTHING) so, that isn't what I want to talk about. I specifically want anyone's input on their experiences with CBD and managing their depressive symptoms during their "lows". There still hasn't been a ton of controlled research on the effects on bipolar in particular, but the ones that have been done show that it doesn't have a huge influence on the manic/hypo manic episodes but did help with the "down". It seems to be exactly what I'm looking for on paper (because lately I've been hit hard with depression) but I'm looking for real people's experiences.
NOTE: CBD is completely legal in my state.
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self.bipolar
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I've had a belt around my neck for about half an hour now [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety of being sick for special event I often hear about people just being too anxious to attend something. Or having a fear and anxiety that they'll become sick in general...
but mine seems to stem more around being too sick to do things.
If there's a special occasion coming up, I worry i'll become sick right before it and then won't be able to either attend or function on the day.
Things become a threat.
Like what I eat in the days before.
Who I am exposed to.
Places I go.
I know that someone I will be seeing a week before my wedding had a sick family this week. It takes a couple of weeks for incubation of that illness, and she might not be showing symptoms when I see her, but still could give it to me.
I'm going roller skating. Children go there. I haven't skated for awhile, I might need to use the bars to keep steady. Kids touch those. Kids get sick. I could get sick. I could touch my phone. Infect myself. Be sick on the day.
It's worry about being too ill infront of people, or losing control of the day, having to cancel things...what do you do? What if i'm vomiting? What if my stomach is upset? What if I have to leave?
It feels tangible and legitimate.
I know it's stupid. In the end it'll be fine, i'll just be sick with worry.
But it won't stop me from limiting my meals before the day to curve it somehow.
Now my we'll likely have colds in the weeks leading up to it, as it's developing that way. A lowered immune system. The stress only making it worse.
I feel like I can't win this one, I can't make it go away.
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self.Anxiety
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Giving my final shot at life I've been single my entire life. I have not even remotely manage to get a successful date despite trying for the last 10 years. I've hired a dating coach and paid for his 12 week program. This will be my final attempt in trying to turn my life around and get some sort of romance, sex, and love in my life. Otherwise, I will off myself. My life is not worth living to be the world most unattractive man.
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self.SuicideWatch
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