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Anybody else just get a massive spike after the Hawaii mess? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My sunshine If this is the end of my life, I'm glad I shared it with you. If this is one of the last in a few long miles, I'm grateful to have you by my side. Your spirit, your love, and your brevity. You have been my guiding light, and my best friend these past few years. Thank you for your heart, and your companionship, your sarcasm, and your sincerity. I love you.
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self.offmychest
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I.N.S.O.M.N.I.A. I didn't take my meds last night because I got off work at midnight, and have to be back in the office at 7, and the Seroquel has been making me sleep like the fucking dead for at least 10 hours, usually closer to 14. And I didn't want to miss this stupid 1 hour shift at work.
Buuuuut now it's almost 6 am and I haven't slept at all. So I missed my meds and I got no sleep and my alarm is set to go off in exactly three minutes.
Fuck. My. Life.
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self.bipolar
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I went to bed with a noose around my neck. Not too tightly. It was a fairly comfortable sleep. Was wondering if its presence would coax any dreams of why I shouldn't go through with the deed. There were no dreams or epiphanies. I hope I can set into the right frame of mind when the time comes. Happy Thanksgiving.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t know where or who to turn too. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I completely and solely ruined my own life So my childhood was rough but bearable for the beginning to say the least. I was the third boy of four children having two older brothers and one younger sister. There was no father in the picture which as you can tell made income kind of a hard thing to deal with considering how many of us there were for her. life was simple until my mom started dating this guy, let’s call him Rag, rag was super chill at first but then he started hitting us kids, considering we weren’t even his, even going as far as to slightly strangling us with our own shirts and yes I did have to lie about it at school. Not to mention an older brother who has insane control and anger issues who would also physically abuse us if anything wasn’t done his was way. To say the least, my childhood caused me extreme mental and emotional strain. I would recede deeply into myself and thoughts. but this isn’t what ruined my life, I think it was when that forced me to find solace in friends. I was so worried about having at least a friend that I didn’t focus on my own life. it’s true what they say when you’re busy living someone else’s life, whose living yours. because at the end of the day, your life will always catch up to you. I feel like I just kept ignoring all the signs in my life and perpetually fell down a deep wrong path. now I’m currently out of college due to not being able to afford it because of instead of finding a stable job I only worked part time jobs here and there. I’m a 20 year old almost 21 year old in debt because of following the poor life choices of my own. I just don’t know if I should quit while I’m ahead and just fucking kill my self young or try to find this mountain of issues. Be honest
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety worse in the morning? I've been having this terrible pattern the past few days where right after I wake up I feel really anxious. I have trouble focusing. I'm dizzy and nervous and worried and scared and i shake my leg and I just want to go back to sleep to end it. Then later in the day I still feel tired but eventually the anxiety gets dull. By night time I almost feel normal with very little anxiety.
Does anybody else feel this too? Are there any reasons anxiety can be worse in the mornings?
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self.Anxiety
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Where are the smart guys in this world. Where are they?
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self.depression
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I need some advice. I think i'm nearly at the end I hate myself. I can't make friends and the friends I do have never talk to me and obviously have no interest in me. I wasn't really properly socialised or encourage to play with other kids as a child so i've always struggled to make connections with other human beings. I'm 21 and i've never had a relationship.I've had a few meaningless one night stands and dated one girl briefly but i panicked and drove her away. Otherwise, I just become obsessed with girls that generally have no interest in me and use me. I hate that i'm so needy but I honestly just want some one to love me and help me through this immense lonliness i've felt since I was a kid.
I genuinely cannot remember a time where I felt content, felt like my goals were being achieved or even felt the slightest bit of happiness. I've been to school, college, university and have absolutely no redeeming skills or attributes to show from it and I can't find job. I don't think anyone would miss me and i'm honestly thinking about killing myself. If I wasn't such a worthless coward I would have done it years ago.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Fuck you VCAA and fuck the Australian Education System and fuck my ATAR [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I just can't seem to win Ok ,first of all I'm sorry ,I just need to vent.
Everyday I'm buried in another problem and it's making me break.
Ever since I was little my dad put his house under my ownership.
When he got sick he asked me to donate parts of the property to my half brothers and the right to live there to his at the time girlfriend.
Dad had cancer and I had no way of refusing a dying man his wish.
After he died I was forced to live in a garage by the house,his girlfriend brought her family inside and I was like the dog outside.
I still retained a part of the property so a few years after dad died the woman he was with got into drugs and debt and ran away ,leaving the house in ruins ,and a debt of 10000 euros in taxes.
I agreed to pay this and she relinquished the right to live there and just disappeared,I contracted a credit for this,after that I bought part of the house from a half sister ,and that made me go into more debt,but now I was living in the house so I was happy ,now the other two brothers want 30 thousand euros each or they say they will force me to sell the house .
I make 550 euros a month ,from that more than half goes to the loan ,the pipes and walls are crumbling ,my best friend (dog) died a few years ago and is buried in the garden,and this is where I grew up ,every month I have to choose some days to walk an hour and a half to work to spare on gas ,food is basically ramen and cheap stuff like that .
And although I realize I'm luckier than most cause I have a roof and a job,it's all just wearing me down ,killing me slowly ,
I've been depressed for so long I don't even remember what smiling is,I'm 34 now and I'm just seeing that I'm gonna spend my life in the shadow of this problem.
I needed to vent this ,sorry for the long read.
And thanks if you took the time to read it
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self.depression
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Today I took a day off work. It wasn't because I was feeling lazy. It wasn't because I didn't want to be at work. Today I went to the doctors because I spend 38 hours a week pretending to be someone I'm not. I am transgender and living day to day has consistently proven difficult. I'm exhausted by going to the boys club that is my job as a car detailer.
For some background, I've been aware of the fact that I'm trans (mtf) for ~the last 4-5 years. I'm 24. In the last 6 months I have undertaken self-medicating HRT. While aware of the fact that I am transgender I haven't really done anything to progress towards the point of being comfortable with myself other than beginning my DIY.
My new doctor had no experience with trans patients as openly admitted by herself. She was, while a tad succinct, thoroughly open to hearing about my situation and the ways in which I experienced what are generally considered vanilla parts of life.
She was helpful, and spent a significant portion of her day pursuing contact with peers in an attempt to find a psychiatrist specializing in gender dysphoria to whom she could refer me.
She was evidently stumped by my situation and was unsure of how to proceed before asking me about what it was that I wanted to happen.
By the end of my appointment, she had organized a psych referral. Additionally, though admittedly only after I asked, she has agreed to take me on as her first transgender patient and continue to monitor my blood-work until such a time that I am referred to an endocrinologist by the psych.
~~
Today was terrifying. I was quivering as I sat there attempting to discuss with this stranger the ins and outs of my currently dysfunctional life.
But the message I want to get through here is clear:
From someone who has contemplated taking their own life for so long, for those who want help, need help...
Please, ask for it... From those who are there to help.
I understand the suffocation. The constant weight that crushes you leaving you feeling hopeless in an endless sea of what seems to be people genuinely happy or at least content with the direction in which their lives are heading.
There are people who will help you. Regardless of how much you refuse to believe it.
Do as I did. Step forward. Take a chance and perhaps you'll find a beacon of light in the dark.
Today I took a day off work. And it was the first step towards being happy.
Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
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Is there even a way to overcome self loathing and become productive? [deleted]
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self.depression
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A Little Positivity So I was in a bad place around Christmas. I went to the store, bought razors and cut myself for the second time ever. I cried for 3 days, had my father yell at and berate me for my "imaginary" illness, quit my meds cold turkey, said something really mean to my brother and oh yes... Cut ties with all my friends and told them they'd be better off without me.
***BUT...***
When I got back, I felt a lot calmer. Maybe I cried it all out? College started back and I'm not going to be there this semester due to financial reasons but I feel okay. I'm taking it a bit at a time and figuring things out. I know it'll come and go. I know I'm not doing amazing but it's tolerable. I'm okay.
The best news is this: when I came back, all my friends acted like I never said what I said. They told me they'd never leave me and that they would rather have me around and that of course they would be there to talk. My parents tell me they're proud. Yes, I lost my apartment and my ctedit took a huge dip. Yes, I might become a college dropout but it's okay. I'm building my life how I want. I'm going to keep trying.
And the best part is, I'm in control. I feel unfettered somehow.
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self.depression
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Fight with husband im at witts end here.... Today i got into a argument with my husband. Its not the first fight. Weve had many. They always end the same. Im sick of it. I hate my life. I wake up feeling like a terrible person everyday. Im not perfect nobody is. I understand we all make mistakes. My husband is a nice person but sometimes he gets irritated easily of something isnt done the way he wants it done. When i try to bring it up that he over reacts and when he yells at me or disrespect me. Calling me stupid. He goes off it makes him worse. He doesnt listen when i talk. Just reminds me i was a horrible girlfriend to him and that i deserve it. Ive dealt with abuse my whole life. Im so sick of living. I feel terrible leaving my dogs alone but i really cant take it anymore. Sometimes i think im on this earth as a sick joke for someone. I have no family or friends. Im all alone. I lost my job....I tried killing myself i really wish it worked so i wouldnt be here right now. Im scared of dying but i cant live anymore. Idk what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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When the ball drops. Hopefully 2018 willl bring better things in my life. My mother's mental health is slowly detoriating, and there's nothing I can do about it. Everytime I try to make her feel good, it's to no avail. I just want to cross things off my bucket list, so when I'm ready to transcend, I'll leave in a better place than I was when I began this save file.
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self.SuicideWatch
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tired of living I’m tired of trying and getting nowhere. i try so hard to be a good friend but they’re all one sided relationships. i’m always that friend that they forgot to invite or invite during the event. i’m tired of being lonely. i don’t like myself enough to be alone too long.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How likely is it to end up poor? Especially if you're disabled it,s very likely to end up poor? Or am i wrong? Hwo to avoid ending up poor or even homeless if you,re disabled? Or isn't that possible? I am very scared of the future, maybe i will end up homeless or atleast poor. What should i do?
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self.depression
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I keep pushing everyone away, even my loved ones. Sorry for everything. I don't know where to start, not even diagnosed with depression. But lately things have become unbearable, absolutely miserable for me, and symptoms of depression seem to fit me like a glove, so here I am.
I wish I could say I am trying hard to fight- whatever is attacking me right now, but I keep sabotaging myself. I don't understand why. I just feel tired and miserable all the time, and so fucking guilty for everything. And recently, I kept pushing my friends and my family away, and I don't know why.
I act like an absolutely shitty daughter to my parents, and I don't reply, even go as far as blocking one of my best friends on every social media. I've somehow convinced myself everyone hates me and don't need me, and that I was only their friend because they pitied me. I had lots of friends, then less friends, barely friends and now I have no friends I can trust.
I came home from a Christmas party I forced myself to go and I cried myself to sleep, feeling like the worst human being on Earth.
I feel so guilty, like I am not allowed to be depressed. But at the same time, I feel like I deserve to be depressed, or whatever horrible thing that is happening to be right now. I feel like I deserve it all, but at the same time I feel angry at the world.
It's so stupid, because I am the one to have pushed my friends and family away. (It's like a fucking urge that makes no sense)
Do any of you feel the same? An urge to push loved ones away for an unknown reason and to sabotage yourself?
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self.depression
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Seroquel/Quetiapine 25mg Hallucinations & Nightmares I was put on 25mg quetiapine last week for a suspected hypomanic episode followed by severe depression. i was worried about going on more meds (I already take effexor 225mg and beta blockers), because i have severe vivid nightmares every night that mess with my perception of reality, but my doctor said that since quetiapine is a sedative it would probably help with the dreams.
the first couple of nights i had vivid dreams that were either positive or neutral, and i had some auditory hallucinations (or sometimes just exaggerations of real life noises), but could live with that. it was a nice break to not have scary dreams for once. however, last night i awoke at about 6am after having a really disturbing nightmare and suddenly started having these crazy visual hallucinations that were impossible to shake. i was seeing geometric shapes all over my room and a massive line across the wall, and any object i thought of (eg. a clown's face) would appear at the centre of those shapes and would be multiplied across my vision. this was horrifying because i couldn't think of anything nice to soothe myself as i knew this would just become part of the hallucination. the only thing i could do to help myself was sleep with the light on, and i ended up sleeping in til 2pm today and just felt horribly depressed all afternoon/evening because i can't stop thinking about how dependent i am on medication and yet the medication still hinders my ability to function in day to day life, thinking unhelpful thoughts about my future treatment etc.
i'm seeing a doctor on thursday night, but until then do you think it's safe for me to just stop taking the quetiapine immediately? i want to ask him if i can try a different anti-psychotic, and in the mean time i'm worried that if i take it again tonight the same thing might happen and will make me depressed at work tomorrow (i'm only just going back to work after being off for a week and a half due to my nervous breakdown). i'm also just so so scared of quetiapine now and think i might freak out if i take it again. any helpful advice? do the hallucinations improve or is it a sign that this drug is not for me?
tl;dr how much should i tolerate seroquel hallucinations, and is it safe to stop taking 25mg before speaking to my doctor
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self.bipolar
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Remembering to take meds Over the last little while I have been having a hard time taking my meds in the morning. Its like I just can't be bothered. I take one at night when I miss them, but the others are duplicates so I just don't have the morning ones.
I want to try harder to take them but I am falling into another bad depression. To the point where I slept 11 hours last night and still want to sleep more. I just seem to be loseing more and more drive.
Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist so hope to sort some stuff out a bit.
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self.bipolar
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Any success with Effexor? I was just put on 37.5mg of Effexor/day. I'm excited to try this, as cymbalta isn't working, and going off it makes me suicidal, so at least I have a plan.
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self.bipolar
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I am so nervous for a presentation that I am scared to work on it Like the title says. The presentation is tomorrow and I am going first.
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self.Anxiety
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please don't downvote me I feel so close to this community. I wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this anywhere else.
When I was 18, I went to a party. I've always felt I was slipped something but I guess I don't really know. I remember I said we shouldn't because I had my period but he ripped everything off. I don't know that I actually said no.
I remember he was aggressive. I remember pretending I liked it because I was new to sex & I tried to sound like I thought I was supposed to.
I remember being in his car. He dropped me off outside my building & sped away. I remember feeling cold.
I remember my wallet the next day. It was empty.
I remember being ashamed. I remember being afraid to be seen because what if they knew how disgusting I was. I remember sitting in the shower & worrying because I didn't know if he used protection.
I remember wincing so hard at the thought of it that I kept pushing it back because I couldn't take it anymore.
I think that was rape. I wasn't even experiencing strong symptoms at the time so it couldn't have been hypersexuality. I don't know.
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self.bipolar
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Gun or nitrogen. I haven't decided. I want to die. Everyone hates me. I have everything in life, and all I can think of is hanging myself. I walk around my house telling myself I should kill myself. Talking out loud ""No one loves you man, everyone is waiting for you to eat a bullet. They know how sad you are and that you're going to.
Everyone else found meaningful lives. I haven't because I'm such a rotten person. My soul is rotten. No one could ever love me. And knowing this, it's clear that I wouldn't be missing anything. My future offers a bleak tundra of interpersonal relationships. I'll trudge along until I'm too weak. And then I'll just...rot. And maybe that's what I deserve.
I don't want to exist. I never have. My family says I'm a mean spirited person. I don't have friends. I post to social media so I have something to look at later can to convince myself my life is worthwhile. It doesn't work. I dive in to hobbies to drown out the silence. The crushing silence of being alone, because everyone's abandoned your life as worth saving. Like being adrift alone at sea. People attempt a rescue, but they give up mid-effort when they get to know you. To hell with that, they say.
I'm so desperate to not feel like this. I want to feel the warmth of having friends. I want to feel like it would matter if I died in my sleep, like maybe someone would come looking. But I'm kidding myself to think as much. To think that I wouldn't just rot, discovered as a puddle of liquifacted fat by whomever bought my house out of foreclosure. After all, no one had answered the mail or noticed it pilling up.
If I could press a button it'd have been pressed a long time ago. I'm just so starved for meaning, for feeling like I did it for a reason, like today's the day because...x
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self.SuicideWatch
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Uni life So iam nearly half way through my 2nd year at uni, last year I did not go out much but this year I go out at least 2 times per week, where as last year I was depressed it feels like things got worse this year as the depression has been replaced by hopelessness and a complete lack of motivation.
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self.depression
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I was hoping my last friend had forgotten about me [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just wanna be happy but it's so hard [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Beta blockers for anxiety? I have been dealing with my PCP(primary care provider) and at one point a cardiologist but not anymore. I am a 20 year old male from the US 6ft even and 135lb. My question is can an anxiety attack mess up ekg or echocardiogram results? I seem to have a bad case of white coat syndrome. Everytime i go to the doctor for whatever reason i am anxious as can be. Even in the waiting room, but im calm for a few minutes until the doctor comes in. I had my first EKG done in the emergency room at the beginning of December 2017. This EKG came back abnormal and prompted my PCP to message me through a thing called MyChart to make an appointment about my results. The ER had already told me i was fine i went in there for chest pains that they said was acid reflux. To me acid reflux pain is not actual pain and more of a burning feeling in the throat like when you have just drank all night and have some hot pipes. They told me otherwise and that was what was causing my pains. My PCP was very concerned about the results even after i told him i was in a panic about it all in the ER. The cardiologist was even confused as to why a 20 year old was there. I felt quite weird walking in seeing no one i would assume was under 40 maybe even 50. All in all after seeing him once he ordered the echo be done and a TSH and free thyroxine test and gave me a beta blocker, metoprolol 25mg extended release once a day. All of this has had me in a bit of a spiral of anxiety and i dont know what to take away from it all. I have asked my doctor several times why im on the metoprolol and i feel as if somethings wrong since im still taking it. I was just barely in the prehypertension stage BP wise. He said he wanted to keep me on it until the spring time and then we could maybe stop taking it. His reasoning for it seems to be anxiety/sinus tachycardia. I forgot to mention the echo came back good and every other EKG ive had done came back fine besides the one in the ER and one in my PCP office. The one in my PCP office he about scared me to death and while on the EKG he asked me if i had anyone with me for when he diagnosed me and within seconds after that i lost feeling in my hands and feet and freaked out even worse. On that EKG he even said i had AFib and thats when he said the cardiologist needed to be seen. The cardiologist said my doctor was in what us youngsters call it "tweakin" and thats what he actually said he told me i have P waves and plenty of them and that i needed to just calm down. Any thoughts on my situation would be awesome.
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self.Anxiety
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How do I seek help? I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, but I'm looking for some tips on how to get help.
I used to take meds and go to therapy when I was a teen but stopped it all abruptly because I felt I didn't need it anymore (stupid, I know). I'm now in university and the depression is gradually getting worse. I'm self-destructive and suicidal, slowly turning into an anxious hermit. I've begun thinking that I really need help, but don't know how to ask for it. I'm too depressed to work (I lasted one day in my last job) so I am financially dependent on my scholarship and parents. My sister recently died of suicide, which is a factor both in me being more depressed and me being reluctant in asking for help.
How do I even bring it up? How do I ask for actual help and support as a grown ass person? Has anyone experienced something similar to this? How did you go about it?
I tried to subtly bring it up a few weeks ago but it didn't go over well. Should I just give up?
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self.depression
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Working Anxiety Does anyone get terrible anxiety from work? Especially those working in retail or office jobs, any kind of jobs too. Mind sharing how do you get past the anxiety or how you try to manage it.
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self.Anxiety
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Can i be bi-polar For 3 years i have been struggling with depression and anger. 2018 has been hell. I have lost 2 friends this year, and January my parents divorced, and my mother whomst i was very close to moved out of the country, leaving me with my asshole dad who doesn't love me.
I have periods where i am low all of the time. These periods i have this constant feeling of sadness and self-hate. Last year i had a suicide attempt.
A few months pass and i am suddenly very angry. I want to kill everyone and everything. I have been arrested a few times for violence.
Then i have a week where i feel superior. Noone is as good as i am. I am a legend and everyone else are inferior.
Disclaimer i am norwegian and my english isn't all that great
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self.bipolar
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My dad just told me he doesn't want anything to do with me. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My suicide attempt I need to open up about my suicide attempt. I remember just fighting with thoughts of wanting to kill myself for weeks and finally got the courage to do it. I took my belt looped it and threw it over a door. I remember hanging for a few seconds and then I passed out. Next thing I heard was a strange low noise which I still dont know what it was. But next thing I knew I was alive and on the floor. The belt had slipped when I passed out.
I'm disappointed to say this but I wish I had died that night. I can't explain it but I still have suicidal thoughts everyday.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Friendship Today I finally realized the nature of my friendship with a certain individual and realized that while our intrests may change, we may pick up other people along the way and there will be a shifting power dynamic, in the end we will stay friends and all will work out in the end.
Just needed to write this down somewhere, so I can hate myself in the future when I realize my optimism was misplaced.
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self.depression
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Do you ever get the feeling... ...that the world would be a better place if you weren't in it?
It's not so much suicide ideation as "so many people would be happier if I had never existed in the first place".
My girlfriend wouldn't have to deal with me when I'm down, god knows she's got her own problems. My parents wouldn't have to deal with my emotions, and I wouldn't have wasted their money on a dream I don't think I'm ever going to achieve. My brother wouldn't have to deal with me bothering him constantly because of how fucking lonely I am, just because I know he'll talk to me. My job could hire someone who's never broken down crying in the dish room! Hell, so many people in this world wouldn't have been inconvenienced if there was one less worthless person in this world!
Even my subconscious knows I don't deserve to exist. All of my dreams are about me accidentally fucking up and hurting people and ruining my own life because I can't do anything right.
I don't want to die. I just want to never have existed. I want to give my undeserved life to someone who would make the best of it, not someone who cries into their dinner and bitches on Reddit about how sad they are.
i make myself sick, i really do
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self.depression
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HELP - alone and hopeless Background.
37, M, Black, live in London.
BP2 and possibly BDP.
As well as BP2 I have a lot of issues from growing up in foster care in an village where I looked different from everyone else.
I have seen my mother a few times in my life and she was abusive.
I dropped out of university in the last few months before my diagnosis.
Have had to cut off step family and ex foster parents due to abuse.
No job but out of debt and I’m a bit of credit due to odd jobs etc
Have hung around with wrong people due to insecurity and abandonment issues.
Especially women who have wanted me to pay for stuff or help them with music careers and been manipulative.
I had a few songs on the radio a few years ago but have struggled to finish music, especially on my own. Output has been erratic.
Need a career, job, more money to live a decent life.
Need friends and a relationship.
Have managed to workout regularly and tidy, meditate and travel without medication.
Always break down with stress
Biggest trigger is women.
“Friend” says stuff like “we’ll get married one day”, and “ we look like a cool couple”.
Says she has no money etc, and can I pay for this or that.
Wanted me to take her to Asia with me.
Doesn’t want a physical relationship but always says she loves me and says I’m her boyfriend to Strangers or holds my hand.
I know what’s happening but feel lonely and happy sometimes when in denial.
I know I’m being a nice guy a bit, and should have been explicit when we met and set boundaries.
Other female friend asked me to help with music and is not talking to me since I said no.
Seem to attract sociopaths a lot, they remind me of my mother a lot tbh
Need to change before it’s too late. Really feel like I can’t go on much longer.
She said she had hurt her back and that it wouldn’t have happened if I had taken her on holiday. Hope it was a joke.
She posted a picture of her with “a guy she is seeing” and I lost it. It’s really effected me and I know it’s stupid but I feel like shit.
I know it’s my own fault, and I’m an idiot but I need help to change.
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self.bipolar
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Series of panic attacks not stopping I only had one panic attack in my life until 2 days ago. Since then I can't even coun't how many :'(. I thought you are meant to feel better once your attack passes. I don't know what to do
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self.Anxiety
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Going to the gym, Pumping muscles and Taking a shower (naked) there I loved it. Anxiety reduced. I guess I'm gonna explore nudist sports like gay saunas...
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self.Anxiety
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Had a wake up call in the form of a gunshot a couple nights ago. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Chat get it out of my head. ...she fell for our co worker. She lied, manipulated, excuses, and destroyed me so she could leave me. She said she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. Two weeks after our relationship She moved in with the guy. We are hundred miles away now. However, I feel like this experience has given me fear for being in a relationship. I feel like I dont have enough trust to comit into another relationship. Their images haunted. I hate them. I loved her but I cannot respect her for what she had done to our 2yr together. Everything i looked at I see them. I hate them even more. It's been 8 months and i am still trying to find myself. Sometimes I force myself to go out to just forget things and it helps...but it seems like it never leaves me.
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self.offmychest
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Rant (TW?: Mentally // Emotionally Abusive Relationships) I don't know how to begin and I'm sorry if this post will be all over the place but here we go:
 
I have been feeling dead inside lately. So much has happened which contributed to this. First, my mother literally said I am a failure and I have so many problems that she has to deal with. Wow, I'm sorry that I'm a depressed fuck that has been trying. I try everything to make her happy but she always wants more. I do AP in school, I am a concurrent student, I go to VoTech... I try my absolute best academically and it's killing me. All the A+'s are nothing to her.
 
I've also been having relationship problems. I feel like the whole relationship is just mentally exhausting. I was doing so fine before the relationship but I've already relapsed into my old ways. I started taking more than my prescribed dosage. I don't do this often but what happened throughout the relationship - especially the past week - has literally messed me up. I haven't been able to take care of my well-being since the beginning of the relationship... They want to be so touchy on dates and when I tell them I possibly can't go on a date, they get so whiny and suicidal. They're dealing with depression so I've been trying my best to make them happy too...
 
I guess I want to shed some light... I planned to kill myself on this very day, Christmas Eve, a few years ago. However, I'm still here. It does get better but there will be ups and downs. I finally told myself I am young and have much to live for even though the view may be cloudy now. However, I have taken steps towards my future... I've decided I want to double/triple major. I specifically want to major in Computer Science, Criminology, and Forensic Science.
 
I hope everyone has a well Eve and Day! If you don't celebrate, I hope you are well anyways. Once again, I'm sorry this post is all over the place but I need to let things off my chest.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like a shadow of a person I'm not the most important person to any of the people I really care about. If I just disappeared one day, just sort of went off the face of the earth without explanation, the ripples would be anywhere from minimal to miniscule. I want to matter, but I'm just an obnoxious nerd with overly niche interests that barely even hold my attention anymore who doesn't know how to hold a conversation. I've met people like me but they're huge dicks who I can't stand being around. Am I a huge dick too? Maybe I am. I don't try to be. I don't think they try to be either. I literally cannot even motivate myself to finish this post. I don't have the energy for this or anything. I do the bare minimum because I can't make myself do any more whether I want to or not. Best part, I finally motivated myself to ask for help, but apparently there isn't a single half-decent therapist within two hours of where I live that we can afford. No one helped.
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self.depression
|
Xpost: My life lately (advice needed) My pdoc from my hospitalization in August, left his practice in December but transferred our files to another pdoc in the area to take over. All fine and dandy, except his office sucks at appointment making. I tried for a month to schedule an appointment but when you call the number you get one of two voicemails and they ~should~ call you back. Well, I played phone tag with them for a while due to them calling me at work where I can’t answer my phone.
Now to about a week ago, I realized I only had about 2 weeks of meds left (lithium, seroquel, vrylar, Vyvanse....etc). My mom sent them a nasty email almost threatening them if I were to be admitted due to lack of meds. The next day they called after work and I have an appointment on the 11th... 5 days after I run out of meds.
So, advice part: what are some things y’all have taken to sort of help not having meds? I have melatonin ( which may or may not actually help me due to crazy night time anxiety) and rescue remedy to help in the daytime. I need to survive off meds for 5-7days if not more ( in case my meds need to be ordered). Help!!
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self.bipolar
|
"You've got to learn to love yourself first." Well fuck me then I guess, I can't fucking stand myself.
I know depression lies, but I can't find a redeeming quality to save my life.
Which is ironic, because finding one would probably save my life.
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self.depression
|
Now, my room is like a comfortable grave I'm alone, I moved everyone around me away, now all I do is lie on the floor of my room, locked in, thinking about what my life would be like if I were more sociable, if I was not so proud, if I knew how to love, but my life is not like that, and it never will be, I just want to close my eyes and disconnect myself from this infinite vortex of self-inflicted suffering and hate, my days go by faster and faster, indistinguishable from each other, I would like to not be like I am, but I can not, I would like to be free, to live in a beautiful place with people who love me, but it is not, the only thing that encourages me to continue is my parents, except when they are too busy figthing each other, maybe I should be happy to have a place to sleep, and a roof, food and internet, but even having all that, I lack what matters most, happiness, love, security, friends, feelings, colour, willing to exist ... because, as they said in this subreddit, depression does not give a shit what you have...
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self.depression
|
Early morning anxiety attack So this morning I had an anxiety attack that came out of no where. I ended up talking it through with a friend who doesn’t live near me, and I definitely feel better. My anxiety sprang from worries about current friendships at college and after talking it through I felt better. She recommended that I talk to the friends in which this attack was triggered just to let them know my feelings and what’s going on. I was just wondering if that would actually be a good idea? I feel that they would think I’m crazy or something after describing the attack and the reasonings behind it. Any suggestions?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I'm going to be okay Oh hey everyone.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way but sometimes it almost feels like I'm two different people that can't understand how the other one feels. One is me when I'm depressed and the other is me when I feel better.
When I go through a period of depression I feel unable to understand that its temporary and I'll get over it, instead thinking things will never get better. Being happy doesn't seem worth it at all either because even if I do feel better I'll always eventually end up depressed again. The depressive periods appear way longer than the better times and I even can delude myself into believing I've always been depressed.
When things get better I ask myself why I ever doubted they would and tell myself that feeling better was worth all the effort in the end.
But when I eventually start feeling depressed again I repeat this exact same cycle.
Last year was pretty rough for me. I felt better at the beginning of the year, and when I brought up my concern to my therapist with the very large amount of medicine I'm on she told me I could try getting off some of it. This wasn't a good idea at all as I have a high sensitivity to medicine changes and I became so painfully depressed to the point where I thought I was going completely crazy. It took awhile to get the medicine working again.
When the days got shorter I started feeling depressed but I got a therapy lamp and I was so excited with how well it was working. I stayed consistently happy for a couple months which I don't recall ever happening this time of year before.
A couple weeks ago I started feeling depressed again and I still feel this way. I don't know why but I'm completely okay with it. For the first time I understand that it's temporary and it will pass, and there's things I can do to help which I'm going to do.
I dunno this is just really comforting to me because it feels like after years of feeling suicidal that I'm finally getting somewhere after all these years.
I hope all you guys are doing well and if you aren't maybe it may make you feel good to hear about how someone can be slowly recovering after feeling so hopeless for so long.
It sometimes feels close to impossible to remember this when depressed, but depression clouds any potential optimism towards everything making it hard to understand that things will feel worth it when they get better. Though I think we should try as best as we can.
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self.depression
|
There are some days where i just don't wanna go out of bed [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm tired of constantly having to deal with my life. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Thought dump Hi guys,
My life is changing drastically soon due to a job opportunity and I am my own worst enemy when I should be my #1 fan. Any congratulations I get, I take it as my friends are just saying that to be nice and make conversation when I know they're genuine. When I think about the new job, I put myself down saying I'm not ready for this and I'm a fraud and will fail immediately. Not to mention I've been in pain recently with no diagnosis yet. These things are weighing on me constantly and I never feel like I'm away from these thoughts. I don't feel like myself. I feel awkward and that no one actually wants to be friends with me.
Phew, feels better to write that shit out. I realize that these thoughts are irrational but I can't help but always go over the worst case scenarios in my head.
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self.Anxiety
|
EFT tapping got me through an anxiety attack last night!!! I can't recommend this technique enough. I learned it a few years back from my therapist and when I take the time to actually do it, it helps me focus and stay in the moment. Have any of you practiced this technique?
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/what-is-eft-tapping/
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self.Anxiety
|
Is anyone else known for never wanting to take photos/selfies in social gathering and family meetings?
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self.depression
|
Every couple weeks, I need to sleep for about half a day It doesn't seem to be related to depression. I don't feel depressed, I just feel really in need of sleep. The only problem here is that I'm soon to be employed again and I know I won't be able to just do this whenever I want. But it feels like ... a necessity, like going to the bathroom or something. My body just takes over and I need that sleep.
Does this happen to anyone else? How do you navigate it?
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self.bipolar
|
Today I ate half a cake.... After months of diet and exercising and being healthy... I baked a cake... And ate half of it. I'm not proud. I'm really stressed and emotional and frosting tastes good.
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self.offmychest
|
I am lonely. I am thinking of what activities I can do to meet people. Its overwhelming because I don't know what to do. At least I have my books. I have been on meetup.com. Most of the stuff there is not my thing. I found a social anxiety group. I went a few times and I reached out to someone there abd he may become a friend. Hopefully next weekend we will get together.
I have some "friends at work but they are often busy and I always have to reach out to them.first. I am 27 and I feel like I have not had the appropriate social experiences for my age. I have never been to a friends wedding. I have never had a long term girlfriend.
To get back to the heart of this post I am trying to find some activities to meet people but I dont know what to do. I feel sad.
I posted this in r/offmychest. It got downvoted and now I feel more sad.
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self.depression
|
I've lost my identity. Who am I and what am I doing here? When I was younger, during my teenage high school years, I used to be so full of life. I had all kinds of emotions flowing through me. I was passionate about many things...I had favorite books and bands and TV shows. I used to stay up all night and listen to music or draw or do something that felt SO EXCITING. I had a personality and it felt so good. I knew who I was or what I wanted from life. I was strongly opinionated and knew what I like and didn't like. I had friends whom I loved and friendships that I cherished. Until slowly, depression started to take over. I no longer pursued my interests. I lost my passions. I lost that burning flame inside of me, that feeling that made me excited and interested in certain activities or ideas. I no longer know who I am or what I want. I no longer have a personality. I no longer have favorite things. I'm just going through the motions, waiting to eventually die in a freak accident because I am too much of a pussy to pull a trigger or jump off a cliff. I am grumpy all the time. Grumpy at college, grumpy at everyone around me. I just have zero feelings towards everything. I'm EMPTY. I am not capable of feeling emotion anymore. I used to be very empathetic but now I completely lack empathy. My bedroom looks and smells horrible. I haven't cleaned the house in a long time. Hell, I didn't even take the trash out in weeks. Tomorrow at college I will be holding a speech and I have no idea what to say. I haven't prepared. I have no motivation to prepare and I'm slowly running out of time. I just wish I disappeared. Completely. If I'm dead inside, what's the point in having a biologically functional body? Just to breathe good air and be a burden to everyone? Just to waste good resources like food or water?
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self.depression
|
Everybody hates me I feel like everybody hates me. Even my own mother insults me. It's like people wish I would just go and kill myself. No one cares about me and people really do wish me the worst. I'm kind and honest with people, and I love the Lord. I wonder why people hate me so much. It's like I trigger something inside of them simply by existing and being myself, and it's always been like this. I could really use some support right now.
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self.depression
|
My friends beloved cat died right before our very eyes, just an hour after midnight. I'm crying, please respond. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Experience with outpatient partial hospitalization programs Does anyone have experience with Partial Hospitalization Programs? Do you mind sharing? I just left one after two weeks, six hours a day. I was satisfied that I had gotten what I needed out of it, and I couldn't really spare anymore time because a family member is sick and I have to work. What I don't like is the staff's attitude towards me as I was leaving. Like there could be no good reason for me to check out (I'm voluntary and not a threat). There's no need for hard feelings, but they literally turned their back on me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Such severe anxiety that I want to die I’m undergoing emdr treatment for ptsd. The realizations (and unfortunately, ruminations and anxiety) from thinking about all the stuff in therapy has led me into a dark hole the past two days. I had two crying breakdowns in front of my husband. We’ve been together 14 years and last night was the first time he has told me to shut up (out of anger and frustration). He later apologized but I told him I feel like I’m going crazy, things I’ve never said before.
Part of the issue is I’m alone in this new place. I have social anxiety and work from home and the loneliness and isolation are getting to me. But since I can’t sleep and my job is on deadlines every day, I haven’t been going out as much out of exhaustion. It feels like my life is passing me by. The worst part is that I don’t think I can speak to anyone about this, besides my therapist. I do have several friends in other states I could maybe call but I’ve isolated from people for the last couple of years. It’s hard because I used to be able to ask for help or comfort but my fears of people thinking I am toxic or crazy make me afraid to do so now.
The hardest part is that my brain is in overdrive right now. It’s basically finding all of these random things that happened a while ago and catastrophizing each and every one. Even if I try to calm down it’s very hard. My brain jumps from one idea to the next very quickly and I cant seem to have a steady quiet stream of consciousness.
I think part of it is I’m a journalist who has to write multiple stories a day and sometimes it is so much going around in my head that I panic and start crying (at e).
This is so distressing to me. I thought maybe I could gave a future and things like this are just a reminder how out of touch with things I am. It feels like there is no goodness in the world and I don’t deserve comfort or love or understanding. It’s not always nearly this bad but today it really came to a head. I hate admitting that I’m such a mess and tired of trying different drugs and reading therapy books. I need human contact again but this new city terrifies me and the people seem so different and rough and secretive. At least back home I had some people to talk to and an office job. This is like hell and I need to find a way out.
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self.Anxiety
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just want someone to talk to i dont know maybe i just need a new perspective. i just need to talk through things
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self.depression
|
The Mr. Robot sub is a great place even if you don't watch the show. [removed]
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self.depression
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Does anyone in this community not also suffer from anxiety, but panic disorder? I had my first breakdown back in July that ended me up in the hospital. I thought I was dying. Today I had another full blown attack. I do not know what triggers it. I was wondering if anyone else suffers like I do.
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self.Anxiety
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Bipolar or ptsd? Some of the symptoms are so similar, how do you know which one you have?
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self.bipolar
|
I wonder if we'd still be broken up had I told him that I looked through his phone over the summer. I know that one of the reasons he broke up with me was because I kept demonstrating insecurity in regards to his ex. I would bring her up unnecessarily and worry over and over that he wasn't over her. I know that that was one of the things he got tired of when he was with me.
But those insecurities weren't from a place of low self-esteem. Those insecurities were totally valid. I looked through his phone over the summer when he was sleeping. There were all these red flags that he wasn't over her, and instead of running the other way like my friends told me to, I peeked at his phone to confirm my suspicions.
And my suspicions were confirmed. He wasn't over her, according to the text conversations I found between him and his friends. But I continued to see him, because I'm a 25 year old who basically dates like a 16 year old. I don't have much dating experience, and because this was so fresh and new to me, I decided to cling onto it, despite what I knew. I was desperate to keep him around, because it felt so good to have someone.
I never told him that I looked through his phone. Instead I started a huge fight about his ex, brought her up unnecessarily, and worried about her all the time. Looking back on it now, I do think I helped him to move on at some point. I do think I helped him to get over her, and develop feelings for me instead. But because of what I knew from peeking through his phone, I was never, ever able to feel secure.
Sometimes I wish I had brought it up to him. Yeah, he'd obviously be furious that I invaded his privacy like that, but maybe we could've discussed it and worked through it. Maybe he would've had no choice but to admit that he initially still had feelings for her, but he would tell me that I had helped him to move on. And that would bring me the security I needed. That would be what it'd take for me to stop bringing her up.
Instead, I kept what I knew a secret. And I started drama based off my insecurities. Eventually, he left me.
I wonder if we'll ever be friends down the line. After he broke up with me, he told me that he didn't feel any animosity towards me at all. I think that means we could be friends sometime in the future, just not now, when I'm still in mourning.
But if we became friends some day, would I ever tell him? I don't think I could keep that a secret from him forever, even if we were just friends. It's much too great a burden to carry.
I think it's really sad and pathetic what I let myself go through. I allowed myself to be someone's emotional bandaid, their backup plan. Yeah, he did eventually develop feelings for me, but that doesn't negate the fact that I initially started off as a rebound.
But hey, the heart wants what it wants.
I'm just a girl who couldn't let go of a boy despite poor circumstances... until he decided to let go for me.
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self.offmychest
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Mental Illness Tattoo Idea Hey guys. So I’m exactly one week I’ll be getting another tattoo for my 18th birthday. I wanted to dedicate this one to mental illness. I’ve seen the semicolon tattoos, and while they are nice they seem a little played out to me. My idea was of getting a three-headed dragon. The heads will represent anxiety, depression, and all other illnesses. The dragon will be on its hind legs and there will be a sword pointed towards it. The sword will represent us defeating these illnesses, And yes I mean US.
I also want to put some words around it so feel welcome to put some ideas in the comments.
I put this here to see what you guys think of the idea. I’ll get it either way but you guys matter to me since you are my community.
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self.depression
|
I have zero faith in myself I can't get myself out of this but I don't want help because there isn't anything another person could say or do to that would make me feel happy again. I have no ability or inclination to face the trials ahead of me to actually get out of this poverty and it's all my fault. All my fucking fault. The debt. The lack of skills. The lack of motivation. All of it.
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self.depression
|
Earlier today I was told "I wouldn't care if you went and killed yourself." I just really feel like shit, even as I'm outraged at how heartless my boyfriends mother is (She's the one who told me that). But on the bright side, I found out why she's been so hateful towards me for the last 4 years. I could use a distraction from the direction my mind is heading, so if anyone want to talk about anything, I'm open for that.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why cant i just be normal Yeah , its hard to feel good as a socially awkward guy who cant : dance , sing , pay world for the one you love. She wants to go out with friends all the time and you are wanting to get into her life and go too. But you feel that youre bothering. Maybe youll harsh the mellow ? Or youre okay talking and then see feel shes doing somthing behind your back, but you have a trust for her , well a hope. Idk i guess i just dont feel enough for her or for anyone. All my past relationships they cheated on me. And now with someone who just now wants to go out all the time and drink its like. Why dont you do this with me when i tried? Idk how to feel or think really mind races every where but then i feel like its all in my head and how do i fucking fix that.. i just hope shes true too me. She puts everyone on her snap chat but me . She used to but then after i caught her flirting with a guy over the phone (text) . Shes been less us ... i just want her to want me to be around and show me off when id break my back for her ... when i do... i got a hard ass job for her.. and i feel its almost not enough... why cant i just be normal and do these things be able to dance and impress her
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self.depression
|
Magic loop makes me wamt to punch a baby Who the fuck thought this was a good idea?!?!
Well, fuck that guy.
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self.offmychest
|
Please help me - My wife of 10 years left me due to bipolar infidelity and my world feels like it's ending I don't know where to begin trying to cope. This is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't even remember my life before her.
Over 10 years there were 3 incidences of infidelity caused — I hope — by my undiagnosed and untreated bipolar. They were one-off, incidental episodes and weighed on me so heavily I believe they were a primary component in surfacing my now severe anxiety disorder.
All of this — the depression, anxiety, hypomania — started a few years back when I began having mysterious neurological symptoms and was diagnosed with Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome. I very lucky that was a false diagnosis, but the several months and dozens of scans, specialists, treatments, and operations that came with it sent my depression, anxiety, and bipolar symptoms into overdrive. Already a bit of an apologetically irritable guy, my moods would swing unpredictably, I started drinking more, and my behavior got riskier.
I guess it all got to be more than my wife wanted to handle. Even though we'd been together for 8 years, we were officially married less than a year and a half ago. I pledged myself to her forever and she pledged herself to me, in sickness and in health. It took less than 18 months for that to falls apart.
I'm a mess. I'm not working. I can't think. I don't know what I'm going to do about the house or my finances or Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don't know how to explain myself to the friends who haven't already abandoned me.
I'm sorry this post is long and rambling.
Please tell me what to do. I need help
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self.bipolar
|
Dear -- Though I dont know you, I want to tell you that you are strong and amazing. You will never be alone no matter what you are going through. Be happy and enjoy life!
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self.offmychest
|
I want to kill my self to see what'll happen I want to see the regret on everybodies face when they realized how poorly they've treated me. All the times I've cried directly to them for help, and they didn't listen. For all the shit I've had to take, I'd want to know how many people would actually care, and show up and leave flowers. Who would even care or cry and miss me. I want to be gone so everybody can fucking know, since me literally telling them they just call me sad and Edgy. Also the fact I don't want to be here for how shit my friends are to me. How shittily everybody has ever treated me. I want to know what they think when the hard fucking truth hits them. I doubt they'd care anyways, and move on with another nuisance in their life gone
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self.depression
|
Please tell me it's okay to say no to my job I'm panicking so please forgive me if this sounds weird.
I like my job a lot but I just can't work with one person in particular. I can do it if my boss asks me to work that shift. I like being the go to person to cover shifts but this one person (let's call her Cathy) is just too much.
Someone else asked me to work for them tonight and it would be a shift with Cathy. Cathy gives me way too much anxiety.
She small talks a lot because she can't stand silence. I hate talking too much about small, stupid things. I love silence or meaningful. Cathy loves showing my things on her phone which aren't funny but I have to force myself to laugh. Cathy goes on and on about how we should hang out and I constantly have to make up excuses why I don't want to.
Cathy also offers everything she has for lunch. Which is really sweet but how many times do I have to say "No. I brought my own lunch." Then she whines about how no one wants to her homemade food.
The worst is EVERY time I leave the room she says "Have fun!" and "Welcome back" when I get back. I know this sounds petty and silly but seriously. Every. Time. Every bathroom break. Every smoke break. EVERY TIME!
I'm dealing with other anxiety inducing things right now and I just can't deal with Cathy tonight. In my head, I know it's okay to tell a co-worker "I'm sorry. I can't work for you tonight" but I just can't. I feel guilty. I should be more available and work every shift I can. I need the money but I just can't deal with Cathy tonight. I just can't.
Can someone tell me it's okay to put myself first? That it's okay to take a break once? I'm off today anyway and all I really want to do is unwind.
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's to hard to turn my life around. I'm gone forever. My dad is dead.
My girlfriend and I are constantly fighting.
I don't want to lose her. I love her.
We are living in poverty.
I have student loan debts, and it's only my first year and my grades were poor.
I weigh 186kg and I'm morbidly obese.
I can't lose weight, no matter what i do, I've tried diets, excercise, both. I've tried everything, i'm lost. My mom is in debt because of all my doctor visits.
I just want to die.
I'm going to build up the courage to kill myself soon, i don't care who it affects anymore. I don't care. Fuck off.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you come down from hypomania without medication? Today I wanted to be productive and get things done, but I feel really amped up. It feels like hypomania. I don't have any of my sedating sort of medication to take, but I would like to calm this state down.
I'm having trouble focusing and feel frantic--my mind is jumping all over the place and I feel like I'm not remembering stuff I'm trying to read. I thought about exercising, but I worry that might push me further into it rather than calming it down.
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self.bipolar
|
When you're "stuck" I guess? Sorry for the longish post (still pretty new too reddit)
Long story short, I suffer from anxiety and depression. A prepare for the worst and hope for the best type. Family is physically and mentally very distant (half way across the world). I just moved so it's hard to make friends in a compleltely new side of the country.
Anywho, been feeling "stuck" in a loop sometimes. Traumatic relationship problems caused some trust rebuilding, so nothing is ever the same.
But ever felt like being depressed or sad or frustrated at someone or something is being relayed back as if you're doing something wrong?
When your significant other tries to cheer you up, and you can see them trying. It's like looking throuugh a window but you can't control the emotions enough to physically accept the empathy? Then causing your significant other to be frustrated as nothijng they're doing is helping. And eventually it becomes an argument about the past or something unrelated.
I'm not trying to blame anything on my mental issues alone. It's just become a constant loop where medication lasts for only so long. And you end being exhausted from keeping up a social posture.
To avoid the frustration, you let things that you'd normally say be kept inside as long as possible. Because it doesn't make a difference to any others if you say your opinion out loud or Not, in most cases it might make things worse.
At night, there's night terrors welcomed by sleep paralysis in the morning.
Any suggests on alternative coping strats? When you can't really say what's on your mind most of the time, forced to have a filter for everyone's sake and your own, that's not either a generic drug or talking to a therapist?
I'm a gamer, I've been gaming ever since I can remember. I'm in my mid 20s. Recently with this vicious cycle of exhausting myself physically so I can go to sleep is affecting my performance during the day (a big duh, I know).
And it's not a suicide feel, rather, just a tired of living feel. Also been going through some Grief as well, mourning for something/someone.
|
self.depression
|
I suddenly felt very claustrophobic being out with people and I don't know why. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Past coming to thoughts all of a sudden? Is it strange that I keep reflecting on my past?
Never a usual train of thought for me, had a sudden realisation of what I’ve been through suffering wise, testicle injuries (due to secondary school tomfoolery :( - 6-8 years ago)- hospitalised due to burns (accidental) 8 months ago
It’s been 2-3 weeks of bad thoughts and feeling down, why the sudden onset of depression?
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self.depression
|
I have to see my ex after 6 months and my anxiety took a jump off a cliff Background story! I broke up with him in July. I still have his stuff because I was in a tight spot any everything was in storage. Between work and trying to find housing I didn't have a chance. I had appendicitis and had surgery last week so I have the time off work and his things in my car so now is as good a time as I'll get. I broke up with him because my life was a mess and he was very Co dependent and hindering me from being able to take care of my problems. I felt like I was juggling his life and mine. I'm a bad juggler. He just recently stopped messaging me with his "I love you" speaches the end of December. I feel alot of guilt for leaving him high and dry even though I know it is what was best for my life. In the past 6 months I've accomplished most all of the things I needed to do when I broke up with him. He accomplished almost nothing if anything. When I broke up with him I had a car that was falling apart, no housing, a temporary job, fighting an employer with the department of labor, and other stressors. He was fighting custody, had a shit job, no car, living with his mother, and other odds and ends. He seemed to think I was able to save him from these things and I couldn't. I couldn't even save myself. He was a very nice guy but we where going nowhere fast and I wasn't happy. Leaving him is the best thing I did and his life continued to fall apart more after I left. I feel guilty about that. I know I shouldn't but I'm anxious to have to see him.
|
self.Anxiety
|
You CAN literally get a brain scan to see what is going on in your head! Finally was able to see this “invisible illness” on paper! [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Thinking you're crazy for weeks then realizing, Oh wait no, just a mixed episode. Great. Can anyone else relate?
|
self.bipolar
|
My dad died today. He was 50.
Cirrhosis led to build up of fluid, which pressed against his lungs and turned into sepsis. We didn't get an ambulance til it was too late for him, the sepsis had gone too far. They couldnt drain the infected fluid, he had already gone into septic shock and his blood wasn't clotting, anything they tried would have led him to bleed to death.
There was a glimmer of hope last night but not much. I saw him this morning, unconscious. Got to speak to him yesterday when he was semi-alert but before that, I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks since I was at uni. I told him that I loved him, and it was okay for him to pass on. That I'd look after my mum and younger sister. I think he heard us. His eyebrow cocked when we came in, like he was trying to open his eyes.
He got me into playing guitar. I wish I had have discussed music more with him, man.
I'm 18. He leaves me, my mum, and my 16 year old sister.
I can't believe my world has turned upside down in the space of three days.
Love you, daddy. Miss you forever.
|
self.offmychest
|
Can't stop dreaming about my Mom I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, though as many people can probably relate, it wanes and waxes over times, and I have been on and off several different medications with mixed successes. Things were finally looking up for me in the beginning of 2017, then my Mom's breast cancer suddenly went to her brain. The last doctor's appoint we had, he explained there was nothing to be done. She died 4 weeks later. The last 2 months before her death, she went from sleeping 20 hours a day, barely recognizing me, then in hospice, then comatose. I found her dead in the early morning. She meant so much to me.
I feel like things have become more normal in the past 6 months, but I can't stop having these incredibly intense and vivid dreams pretty much every night. She is alive and miraculously recovered. But is she? It's hard to tell. I end up questioning whether she is or not, and can't figure it out. I wake up with the sensation that the dream isn't over and I'm not sure if she's still alive or not.
I just want all this pain to be over. I haven't enjoyed anything over the past year. This grief and my depression have sucked the life out of me. I'm not sure of my direction in life anymore (especially after my mom passed away). I don't have the (needed) enthusiasm for my work anymore (I'm in a biomedical PhD program). I want to change my life but I don't know how... My depression sucks the enjoyment of experiences out of me, and convinces me I don't have what it takes to do something different or to keep doing what I'm doing now, I'm pathetic for thinking like this, and I would be stupid and look like an idiot if I tried to change my life.
Sorry for the wall of text... I don't know what the post of this is except I wanted to get it off my chest to someone other than my therapist...
|
self.depression
|
Skin problems due to anxiety? Every time I get anxious I feel how my skin changes. It gets too blush and also more hot than normal. Is anyone else experiencing this? It drives me crazy because I feel the urge to scratch it, it's just that I don't want the blush to get worse. Also my mind is always thinking things like "what if this is not due to anxiety and you have other disie that is causing this?".
Thanks for the help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to end my life, but not hurt anyone else I don't like the idea of hurting family and friends...but the only way I know I'll find peace is by ending my life...Everyday I struggle with inner demons...and they are much bigger than I am...I'm so tired, I'm 34 years old, and have nothing to strive for...Everyone I know is successful, married, have kids...I can't even get a date...I'm still a virgin, which is something I'm proud of, but at the same time I feel like a loser...Therapy doesn't do shit...yeah, it helps you vent, and release anger, but I don't like opening old wounds...Especially if it's something you cannot fix...Meds are a different story...They don't take away your pain...and yet you can't stop them, because it will just fuck you up even more...I'm sick of it...I'm sick of being alone...I lie in bed at night, and can't help what a loser I am...I try so hard to be friendly with other people, and they do not see that I'm hurting inside...I've tried committing suicide before, and failed...I've been sent to the hospital...All because of my childhood...My next door neighbor violated me, turning me into some type of fucked up monster...and now I can't forgive myself for the things I did...I've tried to forgive them, hell, I even wrote them and their mother a letter...and you know what they did? shut me out...The mother "apologized" for their kids behavior...but my abuser did not even say a word....I wrote "have a nice life" after a long email...asking them to put themselves in my shoes...what would they have done? I'm so done with this life...but at the same time I can't hurt my family and friends...I love them too much...
|
self.depression
|
I'm 23 and dying and not sure how to cope with it [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I am worried of my inconsistency I'm 19, female, and had never been on a relationship ever since. I do talk to boys and could have end up on a possible romantic relationship but in the middle of all the late night talks, I feel like I dont want to continue anymore or be together with that person. It happened a lot of times already. Most of the time, they were all so nice and manly and nothing's really wrong with them. I just cannot figured it all out why im being like this. Im not in a rush though, im all fine with being single or being on a relationship, come what may. The problem is im worried for the guy when my sudden rush of inconsistency hits me again and that he'd be receiving half-meant, boring replies from me and realized its almost over. I mean, when someone shows interest, I think I shouldnt be rude, talk to him and get to know him at least, right? But whenever that happens, I also debate with myself whether to entertain or ignore because what if i'd lose interest again in the middle of it all? Haysss. There's this super fine boy whom I talked for months, mind you, a lot of girls was crushing on him so hard, and I was so shook, why'd he chose this potato/me only to end up not receiving replies from me anymore because I cant just pretend anymore.
Now, I cant just trust my feelings because of my inconsistency. I mean, we can be inconsistent sometimes, right? Because that's like a part of human nature or whatever you call it, I guessss? But it happens to me everytime and I just dont understand
|
self.offmychest
|
Still Here I don't think I will actually do anything but I am still here and definitely still suicidal. I woke up wishing I was dead and with my husband again this morning.
I am still dealing with health issues. I scheduled all my doctor appointments and have been informed I have to have a biopsy next. I am still losing a massive amount of weight - the clothes that were tight at the end of January are literally falling off me and I bought those because the clothes I bought in October were falling off me then.
I am in therapy and on Zoloft. I don't know that they are working. I still want to be dead and don't want to be in a world without my husband. I don't want to live a life without him.
I feeling like I am going through the motions of life and not living. I go to work every day and am actually likely up for a promotion soon. I go out with friends at least twice a week. A hobby is turning into a side gig because I am trying to stay busy to stop thinking about dying. I have the uncomfortable problem of pushing off interested guys because, again, I just want to die and be with my husband.
I don't know what to do other than hope I die by other means, like nuclear war or cancer but this doesn't feel like living. It feels like slow dying.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I made the wrong choice and can't fix it [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I assume the worst about what people think of me. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Scared of coincidences. I have a lot of anxiety about the supernatural and things of that nature, and one thing that terrifies me is coincidences. I have them all the time, and it's only with my thoughts into real life which give me the perception I can predict parts of the future. Like the other day I was thinking about an old TV show character that's obscure and a new YouTube video came up of a YouTuber I watch dressed up as said obscure character. Or I'll be thinking of wanting pizza and my sister will bring home pizza. Or I'll think of a video and a YouTuber I watch will react to said video. It usually comes in spurts of these coincidences and then they go away for a little bit but come back. Maybe it's because I have racing thoughts and I think about 10000000 things a day and a handful of things will be noticed sometimes?
I do hope it's not anything supernatural.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety over North Korea affecting future plans Hi all,I've been lurking on this site for quite sometime and love how cool some of you guys are!
But,now on to my main concern.
As you've seen in the title,the North Korean situation has been weighing on me for quite some time now,even to the point where it is affecting me academically(Taking Japanese language class in Uni..but I don't think there's gonna be a point if say ,Japanese folks start to hate America for one),and I've even wanted to go to Japan,but I'm not so sure now,because i'm very sure that war will happen sometime next year.
And it sucks..yet another dream gone down in flames(The first was to go into the air force..that fell through.)
But,anyway,I just wanted to vent,because I don't know where else to put this,and being a sufferer of anxiety myself,I feel like I'm in good company,but again,I don't know if this even would count here..?
But anyone else feel the same?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m in a bad spot again. Fuck. Fuuuuccckkkkk. That’s how I feel right now. I don’t even know why I’m sad today. I hate the word sad. Let’s use...depressed. Why am I so fucking depressed today? I don’t know. I was talking about my dad in therapy and I think that triggered it. Shit I think my girlfriend is mad at me. I don’t know what I did but I️ think she is. Fuck. Maybe I’m over reacting. By the way I’m a female, did I tell you guys that? Pffff “did I tell you guys that?”. Like I’m actually talking to someone. No one cares. That’s the cold, hard truth.
|
self.depression
|
Bipolar Medication Regimen: Vraylar + Lamictal I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder amongst other conditions. I am curious as to two of my medications. With regard to the Vraylar, I am particularly a fan of this medication. I have done a lot of personal research on this medication and it seems to help a lot with the manic symptoms of bipolar disorder. While I would say that I struggle more with the depressive side of bipolar, I do think that I struggle with manic symptoms such as having immense difficulty falling asleep and staying asleep. Vraylar at 3 mg helps so that I can actually fall and stay asleep at nights. I have read that people can take the Vraylar in the mornings and for others it is better at night. I have tried taking the Vraylar in the morning and have just personally found that this medication helps me best when taken at night time. I am interested in speaking to my doctor about whether a dose increase is necessary in the future. I have had issues with this medication in the past where I have experienced nightmares while using this medication along with Lamictal, however I currently take a non-controlled substance anxiety med at night that helps so that I don't have sleep depriving nightmares.
I am sort of curious about how useful Lamictal might be in addition to Vraylar? I have been on a dose of 200 mg of Lamictal for almost a year and while this medication helps with the depressive side of bipolar, to my knowledge it does not really do anything for mania. Also, I already take an antidepressant Zoloft that helps lift the depression and so I am wondering whether there is an added benefit to being on Lamictal or if it is unnecessary for my bipolar medication regimen? I am pretty sure that Lamictal does not do anything for mania and research indicates it pretty much only helps the depressive side of bipolar. I just think that because Vraylar helps with managing the mania (serving as a ceiling of sorts for my mood) and that the Zoloft helps manage the depression well from keeping my mood too low that perhaps the Lamictal is not necessary?
I am seeing a new doctor who did not initially prescribe the Lamictal, so I am sure she is open to discussing the Lamictal and I would like to have some knowledge from Reddit users before my next visit in a few weeks. I am interested in any experiences people can share with Lamictal. I would just rather minimize excess medication to avoid the cost of it and to avoid unnecessary additional side effects.
|
self.bipolar
|
no sense of self i related extremely similarly to this. i need help
I have no idea who I am. I don't have an actual personality. I have no passions, no true interests, no idea what I want or what I should be doing.
People ask me what I'm interested in, or to describe myself, and I legitimately have nothing to say.
I don't have a 'real' identity. Everything about me is fake, and has been for so long that I've convinced myself that this is who I truly am. I say what I think is expected of me, I do the things that I feel are 'normal' in society instead of actually expressing myself. Then again, I don't even know what 'expressing myself' means.
I feel, blank? Empty? I don't know, it's difficult to describe. I'm not even sure I actually like what I do, if I enjoy my hobbies, or if I do them just because I've told people it's what I do. It's what I've decided to show people, and so I do it to keep up appearances.
Do I actually want to work in finance, or do I just think it's an impressive career path? Do I enjoy the work, or is it just that I can make good money, and according to society that's important? I legitimately don't know one way or the other.
I feel like I have this deep seeded need to be better than everyone, and I have no idea why. It's not even that I need other people to think I'm better, I just need to feel that way about myself. Why? Is it some kind of terrible self-esteem issue? Do I feel insecure and inadequate? Do I have a fear of rejection, so I need to fit in and be/do what society says equates with success?
I have no answers, I've been told that I need to just act on my first instinct, do what would make me uncomfortable, and stop trying to be impressive, but I'm not sure I know how to do that. It's become a natural part of who I am.
Even posting this I don't know if I'm actually looking for help or if I just want some attention from people. Something isn't right with me, and I'm so sick of it. I just want to have a life. I want to know who I am, and what I want. I don't want to be a combination of other peoples' personality traits, I want to have my own identity.
|
self.depression
|
The Petland Worker Who Saved My Life This happened about two hours ago. Tried to make this as short as possible but TL;DR at the bottom. Thanks for reading 🙂
Hypomania crashed as soon as I decided to write an email to my professor, face reality, and address my lack of success in my current math course.
I finished the email. That’s it, I decided I am going home, and I am going to kill myself--it’s time.
I quickly packed up my things--ready to bolt to the subway, but remembered that the poor Gerbil that I bought yesterday while hypomanic, is starving in my apartment. As suicidal as I was, I didn’t want to take another life with mine, so I headed to Petland to buy him food.
I arrived with tears still streaming down my face, quickly found the food, and was ready to check out. But in the corner of my eye I saw cages and considered buying one. The cages looked nice, but I didn’t want to blow a ton of money on one, so I asked the nearest worker what the price was.
“Are you crying?”
“Yeah, but I am fine! What’s the price of this cage?”
“No sweetie, you’re not fine. What’s wrong?”
“I’m okay, thanks!”
She kept hassling me and demanding me to tell her what’s wrong.
I give in. I mean, all in all, it’s just a mood swing, but I guess I’ll supply her with some reason.
“Things just haven’t been going well. My grades are dropping, and I really think I need to take a medical leave of absence.”
“What’s wrong with your health?”
“Bipolar disorder”
She smiled, and spoke on about how she is also mentally ill, and has a close friend with bipolar disorder. She told me that school is school, and that my health is above all. And that everyone has slipt ups but I will get back on my feet.
“Stay strong, please, stay strong” she kept saying
These words hardly ever mean anything to me, but coming from a stranger, it meant something completely different. She cared. She took fifteen minutes to listen to my story.
I checked out, once again ready to bolt to the subway. This time not to go home and end my life, but to get back on my feet.
I am home now, and very excited to write her a thank you letter tonight, and bring her flowers tomorrow.
People are beautiful.
**TL;DR – I planned to go home and kill myself, but had to stop at Petland on my way home to buy my gerbil food. A worker noticed me crying and made me open up to her, listening for over fifteen minutes. I left the store feeling loved, and with no longer suicidal intent. No matter what your job is, minimum wage or six figure, you can change the world.**
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't normally talk about any meds to even family. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I hate the Christmas. My birthday is the same day as the christmas, so when it comes, my friends are too busy with crhistmas so they don't celebrate my bday with me. But my family do care a lill but about my bday but it doesn't feel as special as other's bdays... you know
|
self.offmychest
|
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