Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man pulls over to the side of the road after a police cruiser flashes him to do so. "How long have you been riding around without a taillight?" asked the officer. "Oh, no!" screamed the man, jumping out of the car. "Wait 'til my family finds out!" "Where's your family?" the officer asked. "They're in the trailer that was hitched to the car!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." —EMO PHILIPS


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, "Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don't throw a fit. It won't be long."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says, "There, there, Missy, don't cry. Two more aisles, and we'll be checking out."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, "Missy, we'll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he says. The mother sighs, "Oh, no—my little girl's name is Francine. I'm Missy."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The odd thing about parenting is that by the time you are experienced at your job, you are unemployed.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day. "Thank you for coming," the son said. "It means so much." "Of course I'd be here," the mother replied. "It's not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A family takes a trip to Disney World. After seven exhausting days, they head home. As they drive away, the son waves out the window and says, "Goodbye, Mickey." The daughter waves and says, "Goodbye, Minnie." Dad waves and cries, "Goodbye, money."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Sarah watches as her mother tries on an expensive fur coat in a high-end department store. "Do you realize," Sarah says, "that some poor, dumb animal had to suffer just for you to wear that coat?" Sarah's mother turns to her and snaps, "Think about how much I've suffered! And don't call your father an animal."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Passing through his son's college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit. The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. "You need something, pal?" a frat brother asks from the window. "Yes, does Billy Powers live here?" the father asks. "Yeah," says the frat brother, "just dump him on the steps and we'll grab him in the morning."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that's how I was raised and I turned out TV."—HOMER SIMPSON


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A dad was trying to teach his kid about the evils of drinking. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water survived, but the worm in the whiskey curled up and died almost immediately. "All right, kid," the father began, "what does this little experiment prove to you about drinking?" "Well," the kid replied thoughtfully, "it proves that if a person drinks alcohol he probably won't get worms."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A guy calls 911 in a panic. "My wife is having a baby! Her contractions are only one minute apart!" "Calm down," the 911 operator says. "Is this her first child?" "No, you idiot!" the guy shouts. "This is her husband!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How is a computer like a grandparent? The first thing that goes on both is their memory.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What does a baby computer call his father? Data!


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A little girl asks her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answers, "Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers, "Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The mother answers, "Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was talking about his side."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me . . . no one showed up."—RODNEY DANGERFIELD


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. The extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!" Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down—that's much better than Clyde."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A small boy swallows some coins and is taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephones to ask how he is, the nurse tells her, "No change yet."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, "What are you two arguing about?" One boy answers, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it." "You two should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."—JERRY SEINFELD


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park. "Are you sure it was lost?" the mother asks. "I'm positive," the boy replies. "I even saw the guy looking for it."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A teacher asks her class, "True or false? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia." "False," says a boy in the back. "It was written in ink."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A teacher walks over to the desk of a student during an exam and says to him, "I hope I didn't just see you looking over at your neighbor's answers." The boy replies, "Yeah, I hope you didn't see it either."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A school teacher notices a student is getting much better with numbers than he was just a few weeks earlier. "Your counting has improved," the teacher tells him after class. "Thanks," the boy says. "My dad will be glad to hear that. He's been working on them with me every night and weekend." "Fantastic," the teacher replies. "So here's a quick quiz—what comes after nine?" "Ten," the boy replies enthusiastically. "Right, and what comes after ten?" the teacher quizzes. "The jack!" the boy answers.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow."—STEWART FRANCIS


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A husband and wife are visiting the wife's family during the holidays. Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. "Excuse me," the man asks the grocer, "are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill a person?" "Nope," answers the grocer proudly. "Okay," says the man, "I guess I'll just have to do that part myself."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson. "Tammy," the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, "please use 'I' in a sentence." "I is," Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted. "No, Tammy," the teacher says, "that's incorrect. You always say 'I am.'" "All right," Tammy says. "I am the letter that comes after H."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner. The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. "It's okay, dear," the mother calms her. "You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning." The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice, "Oh Christ, why did you invite the pastor over for dinner tonight?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table. The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Mothers are fonder than fathers of their children because they are more certain they are their own."—ARISTOTLE


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A kid is late for school one day. "I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer," he explains to the teacher. "Well, couldn't your father have done that?" the teacher asks after class. "Sure," the boy replies. "But the bull would have done a better job."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A father confronts his young son in the backyard. "I heard you skipped school today to go to the beach with your friends." "That's a lie!" the boy shouts. "And I've got the movie stub to prove it."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents, which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A stranger at the park is watching a young boy play in front of his young mother. After a few minutes of the boy clucking incessantly, the man asks, "Why does your son repeatedly say 'cluck, cluck, cluck'?" The young mother replies, "Because he thinks he's a chicken." "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" the stranger asks. "Well," says the mom, "because we really need the eggs."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "My dad is actually a manic-depressive, which is very exciting half the time."—MARC MARON


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence," the man says. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!" "That's really an incredible coincidence," he answers, "considering I work for the 3M Company."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets. The man says, "That's insane! I work for the Four Seasons. What a weird coincidence!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: After hearing this latest news, everyone's attention turns to the fourth expectant father, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers to the attending nurse, "I knew I shouldn't have taken that job at Books-A-Million."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Having children is like living in a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up."—RAY ROMANO


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. "Dad, what music did you like growing up?" "I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin," the father replies. "Who?" the son asks. "Yeah," the dad responds, "I liked them too."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A teacher asks her class their favorite afterschool snacks. "Decklyn," the teacher calls to the new student in the back of the room, "what's your favorite afterschool snack?" "Nuts," he replies. "Very good," the teacher replies. "What kind of nuts? Peanuts? Pine nuts?" The boy shakes his head and answers, "Doughnuts."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two young boys, Bobby and Tommy, are sharing a hospital room. After getting to know each other a little bit, Bobby eventually asks Tommy, "Hey, what're you in the hospital for anyway?" "I'm getting my tonsils out," explains Tommy. "And I'm a little worried." "Oh, don't worry about it," Bobby says. "I had my tonsils out and it was actually not so bad. I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!" "Oh yeah?" replies Tommy. "That's not bad. So, Bobby, how about you? What are you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Bobby answers. "Oh my god! A circumcision?" Tommy cries. "I got one of those when I was a baby. I couldn't walk for two years!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."—JON STEWART


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool. "It's perfectly natural," the mother says, "for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don't see why my son doing it is such a big deal." The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, "Well, all the other kids aren't doing it off the diving board."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action . . . they rented out my room."—WOODY ALLEN


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A teenager is talking to her friend before class. "For the prom, I'm renting a limo, spending $500 on a new dress, and bringing in the best makeup artist in the state to do my hair." A teacher overhears the conversation and remarks, "Wow, that's more than I spent for my wedding!" The girl replies, "Yeah, well you can get married three or four times, but you only go to prom once."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: On his eighteenth birthday, a son announces to his parents that he is no longer abiding by their curfew. "I'm an adult now," he says, "and you can't stop me from exiting and entering the house any time I want." "You're half right," says his dad. "We can't stop you from leaving the house, but we can stop you from coming back in."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "How dare you disobey your mother!" a father yells at his daughter. "Do you think you're better than I am or something?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "How did the car end up in the living room?" a furious father asks his son. "Simple," the boy replies. "I made a right at the kitchen."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A teen is caught smoking pot behind a local convenience store. He's arrested and put in county jail. The arresting officer advises the young pothead that he gets one phone call from jail. The teen makes his phone call and returns to his cell. About a half hour later a man shows up at the police station. "I assume you're the boy's father," the arresting officer says. "No," responds the man, "I'm here to deliver a pizza."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two young girls, students at an exclusive prep school in California, are eating lunch and flipping through a celebrity magazine. "Oh my god, I forgot to tell you!" the blonde says to the brunette. "My mom is getting remarried!" "No way," the brunette replies. "To who?" The blonde flips open the magazine and points to a famous director. "Oh!" screams the brunette. "You'll love him! He was my dad last year!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime."—RED SKELTON


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. "You'll like it here," he tells her. "Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron." "Do you know who I am?" the girl asks her new classmate. "I'm the daughter of the principal." The boy is silent and then asks her, "Do you know who I am?" She shakes her head no. "Good," says the boy as he walks away.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located. "I'm not sure," the student answers, "we switched cable companies last month."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A father goes into his son's room to find him lying face-down on the bed. He asks him, "Hey buddy, how did your test go today?" "I did just what George Washington did," the son replies, his words muffled by the mattress. "How so?" the father asks. The son looks up and answers, "I went down in history."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: After weeks of personal classes and hundreds of dollars, the parents ask the tutor for a progress report. "Good news," the tutor tells them over the phone, "your son is getting straight As." "That's outstanding!" says the father. "I'll say," the tutor replies. "I think we're finally ready to move on to the letter B."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What's the difference between a teenager and E.T.? E.T. actually phoned home.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How many teenagers does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Many children threaten at times to run away from home—this is the only thing that keeps many parents going."—PHYLLIS DILLER


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died. "You know," Grandma said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stops crying and asks, "What would God want with a dead dog?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "You're not famous until my mother has heard of you."—JAY LENO


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: On a visit to see his grandmother, a teen boy listens as she goes on and on about the cost of living. "When I was a young girl," she moans, "you could go to the store with a dollar and come home with enough food to feed your family for weeks!" "Well, Grandma," the boy replies, "we learned about that in school recently, and that's called inflation." "Inflation nothing!" the grandmother answered. "It's all these darn security cameras they've got today!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Ted's grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands the boy a five-dollar bill. "Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters." The boy looks at the bill and responds, "If you want me to stay quiet, it's going to cost you a lot more."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, because never mind us, we'll just sit here in the dark, don't go out of your way . . ."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."—DAVID RICHERBY


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A husband and wife are staring at their garden. "Sooner or later," the wife comments, "you're going to have to put in a better scarecrow." "What's wrong with the one we've got?" asks the husband. "It scares away all the birds and it's still got a few good years left." "I agree," the wife says, "but my mother can't stay out there forever."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Hi! My name is Gertrude," says the lady to the man next to her on the airplane. "It's so nice to meet you! I'm flying to New York for my grandson's third birthday. I'm so excited! I remember when he was just a little pumpkin and now he's already three! It's really hard to believe. He's the most adorable thing you've ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse. Yes, here it is. Just look at him, isn't he adorable? Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest. He says to me in the cutest voice, 'Hi Grandma!' It just gets me all teary-eyed." After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude realized that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. "You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me, what do you think about my grandson?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed, wondering where my brother was."—MITCH HEDBERG


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon. "What do you usually put on your celery?" the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He's amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. "Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure." "That's weird," the grandson replies. "We usually just put on ranch dressing."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A family moves into their new house. Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place. "It's terrific," he says. "I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man comes home one night to find his blonde wife reading his personal journal. "I can explain everything," he begins. She interrupts him midsentence and exclaims, "You're darn right you've got some explaining to do, and you can start with telling me who April, May, and June are!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter." —LENNY BRUCE


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man decides to bury his cat. He gets a shovel and starts digging. He goes down two feet, three feet, four feet, and then he hits the cat.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A couple looks over the side of a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns. The guy says, "Wow, it really works."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?" The waiter says, "A penny." The man exclaims, "A penny? How much for a steak?" The waiter says, "A nickel." The man is astonished. "Are you serious? Where's the man who owns this place? I'd like to shake his hand!" The waiter answers, "He's upstairs with my wife." Confused, the man asks, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The waiter smiles and says, "The same thing I'm doing down here to his business."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."—JIMMY CARTER


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man is sitting at home when a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes, I am." The officer then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. The man answers, "Sure, hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: After thirty years of marriage a husband and wife go for counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on she goes: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable—an entire laundry list of unmet needs she has endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks around the desk, and after asking the wife to stand, he embraces and kisses her long and passionately as her husband watches with a raised eyebrow. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down as though in a daze. The therapist turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A very elderly couple is celebrating their seventy-fifth wedding anniversary. The man says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never looked quite like the rest. Now, I want to assure you that these seventy-five years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, and then confesses. "Yes, he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality hitting him harder than he expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tries to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally she says to her husband, "You."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: An old man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you." The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands 15 feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" No response. He moves to 10 feet behind her and asks again—no response. Five feet, no answer. Finally, he stands directly behind her and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" She says, "For the fourth time, I said chicken!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender."—MARY BUCKLEY


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband. "But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter. "Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man is on a cross-country trip when he picks up a hitchhiker. During a lull in the conversation, the hitchhiker notices a brown paper bag resting in the center console. The driver notices his glance and says, "That's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The hitchhiker replies, "That's a pretty good trade."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"—RITA RUDNER


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?" "Oh yes, great! I think I really impressed the boss. But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." "Oh, no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What do you call a man who has lost 90 percent of his intelligence? Divorced.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Real men wear pink because that's what their wives bought.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man goes away on business. He e-mails his wife from the road and says he'll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender. "Well, why don't you call her and talk to her? Maybe there is an explanation for all of this." The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, "Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man?" The wife calmly responds, "Because I just got around to checking my e-mail."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife."—SHELLEY WINTERS


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband. "Do I look fat in this dress?" the wife asked. "Do I look dumb in this shirt?" the husband replied.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, "I'll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language." The woman says, "Oh, that's okay." She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, "Awk. New madam. Hello madam." A few hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, "Awk. New girls. Hello girls." A couple hours after that, the woman's husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, "Awk. Hi Phil."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike? They wanted to make less money.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What did one geologist say to the other while they both stared down at a giant fissure in the rocks? "I wonder whose fault this is."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality. Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. "I'm not sure how you go from one personality to the next," the woman tells the pastor over coffee. "Oh, it's simple," the pastor explains. "That guy in church is my altar ego."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Who is constantly bossing around the office supplies? The ruler.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below, "Hey, do you see my ear down there?" The guy on the street picks up an ear. "Is this it?" "No," replies the construction worker, "mine had a pencil behind it."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill. The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, "You guys did such a good job. Why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at the man and says, "Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear about the farmer who won an award from the U.S. Department of Agriculture? He was outstanding in his field.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari. He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report. Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he says. "All you care about is money and your possessions." The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down. "Hear me out . . . see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm." "Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "I'll never forget the time they gave me a farewell party at work. I was so surprised—I didn't even know I was fired."—PAUL DILLERY


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A tour guide is leading a group through a museum in London. "This mummy here is over 5,000 years old," the guide told the group. "It's possible that Moses saw it." A tourist raises her hand and asks, "When was Moses ever in London?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "No man goes before his time . . . unless the boss leaves early."—GROUCHO MARX


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear about the painter who kept getting fired for dropping things on people? He couldn't hold his lacquer.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb? Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: It's only natural that all politicians have a God complex. They haven't done anything in ages, they give all the best jobs to their immediate family, and no one really believes in them.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A top official in the Democratic Party leaves his office to check out a local Republican rally. While he's spying from afar, a mugger approaches and holds him up at gunpoint. He returns to his office, upset and despondent over what happened. He explains the entire story to his assistant. "Weren't there cops around?" the assistant asks. "Of course," the Democrat replies. "Well then, why didn't you yell out for help?" the assistant asks. "What?" he shoots back, "and have Republicans think I was cheering for them?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."—MILTON BERLE


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The president was awakened in the middle of the night by a call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," the four-star general began, "I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" the president asked. "The country is being taken over by aliens from another planet." "My God," the president said. "What's the good news?" "The good news is," said the general, "they pee oil and they've eaten Rush Limbaugh."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A tour guide is leading a group around the Washington, D.C., area when they come to a spot on the Potomac River. "This is where George Washington allegedly threw a dollar across the river," the guide tells the group. "That's impossible," says one skeptical tourist. "No one could ever throw a dollar that far." The guide tells the man, "Well, you have to keep in mind that money went a lot farther in those days."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Political speeches are like steer horns: a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between."—ALFRED E. NEUMAN


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican told his best friend that he was switching parties and becoming a Democrat. "My God," his friend replied, "why would you do such a thing?" "Simple," the man muttered in his last breath, "because I'd rather one of them die than one of us."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A local congressman was sitting in his office when the phone rang. He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said "Thank you," and hung up the phone. He picked the phone back up to call his mother. "Mom, it's me," he said. "I won the election!" "Honestly?" she said in response to the news. "Does it really matter how I did it?" he replied.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."—JAY LENO


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Why don't politicians listen to their conscience? They don't like taking advice from complete strangers.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff. "I'm thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy." A White House aide comments, "Why don't you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?" Another staffer jokes, "Why don't you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?" A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, "Why don't you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. "Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president," one of them says. "Why?" asks the second aide. "Because then we'd only have to kiss his ring."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "It's not that I disagree with Bush's economic policy or his foreign policy, it's that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth."—BILL HICKS


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: While waiting for a White House press conference to begin, a journalist turns to the stranger to his right and asks, "Did you hear the latest joke about the president?" "Before you continue," says the stranger, "I should tell you I'm part of the White House staff." "Okay, thanks," the journalist responds. "Then I'll tell the joke a little slower than normal."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Laura Bush tells George W. Bush, "We have this weekend free. What should we do?" "Well, let's think," he responds. Laura replies, "No, let's do something we both can do."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Plenty of Americans don't trust Barack Obama because they claim he's not a "real American" like they are. They have a point; they aren't like him. He's too thin.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two—one to change the light bulb and then one to change it back again after he gets elected.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A Republican, a Democrat, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car when a tornado picks up the car and tosses them miles into the air. When the car finally comes back down, the three men realize they've been transported to Oz. "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain," says the Democrat. "I'm going to ask him for a heart," says the Republican. Bill Clinton looks around and asks the two men, "Where do you think Dorothy is?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Schwarzenegger confesses to fathering baby with house staff member, but explains that child is destined to bring down SkyNet in 2031."—GEORGE TAKEI


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two politicians are having lunch. The first politician says, "There are many ways of making money, but there is only one honest way." "And how's that?" the second politician asks. The first politician laughs and replies, "I have no idea. I thought maybe you would."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear that the George W. Bush Presidential Library burned to the ground in a fire? Unfortunately, all three books were lost, and one of them was barely all colored in.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognize a good party man when I see one."—MAE WEST


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are among the passengers on a boat that's about to sink. As the ship begins to capsize, Carter yells, "Quick, save the women and children!" Nixon replies, "Screw the women!" Clinton wonders out loud, "Do we have time for that?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. "I have an idea," says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money, he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he'll be a preacher." So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding. The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down. Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm. "Well, how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A thief sticks a gun into a man's ribs and says, "Give me your money, now!" The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, "You can't do this to me. I'm a congressman!" The thief replies, "Oh, well in that case, give me my money!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets."—BOB HOPE


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? Because he found it impossible to lie.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but boy does it get screwed good.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What happens when you mate a pig with a politician? Nothing, because there are some things even a pig won't do.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes and starts shaking Bill. Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3 A.M. What do you want?" "I have to use the bathroom," Hillary replies. Bill responds, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." "No," Hillary says. "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."—WILL ROGERS


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Why were the early days of history called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Which English king invented the fireplace? Alfred the Grate.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How was the Roman Empire cut in half? With a pair of Caesars.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark? Floodlights and ark lights.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!" All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. "I'm sorry," he says. "What I meant to say was half of this Senate is not made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two young boys are talking before school. "My uncle ran for Senate last year," the first boy says to his classmate. "Really?" the second boy asks. "What does he do now?" "Nothing," the first boy explains. "He got elected."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How do you keep Vice President Joe Biden busy until lunch? Tell him to stand in the corner of the Oval Office.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "For most of history, Anonymous was a woman."—VIRGINIA WOOLF


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Who is the most powerful individual in Washington, D.C.? The president's dog––he can get the president to kneel in front of him.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die? Because deep down, they're really good people.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How did George Washington speak to his army? In general terms.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What are the ingredients for the homemade Bill Clinton stew? One wiener, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans, and tons of hot water.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I'm president, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!" Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House and told her how impressed George had been with his discovery of the president's private bathroom and gold urinal. "Bill doesn't have a gold urinal," Hillary told Laura, "but that explains who peed in Bill's saxophone."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Hillary Clinton goes in for her annual gynecological exam. The doctor tells her she's pregnant. Hillary storms out of the office and calls Bill. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" After a moment of stunned silence, Bill asks, "Who is this?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A reporter corners George W. Bush at a press conference after his election. "Many people feel the only reason you were elected president is because of the enormous power and influence of your father."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "That notion is ridiculous!" says Bush. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He was only allowed to vote once!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: If "pros" are opposite of "cons," does that mean "congress" is the opposite of "progress"?


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history."—TIM ALLEN


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Why's Richard Nixon like an old collector's item? Both are worth more in the box.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. President Bush asks him, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."—MUHAMMAD ALI


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A rookie pitcher is struggling on the mound, so the catcher walks up to have a quick talk with him. "I think I've figured out your problem," the catcher tells the shaky southpaw. "You always lose control at exactly the same point in every game." The pitcher feels a little relieved, thinking he has the answer to his issue. "When do I usually lose my control?" he asks his battery mate. "It's usually," the catcher admits, "right after the national anthem."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A skydiving instructor is answering questions for his beginner's class. "So if my parachute doesn't open," a student asks, "and my reserve chute doesn't work, how long have I got until I hit the ground?" The instructor tells the man, "You've got the rest of your life."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune. He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two guys are playing golf. Two women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. One man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Will you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what happened?" To this he replies, "Small world."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man with a broken hand says to his doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?" The doctor says, "Yes, of course." "That's great!" says the man. "I never could before."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A woman explains to her doctor her recent issues with going to the bathroom. "I've had horrible constipation," she explains. "I haven't been able to go for weeks." "Are you doing anything for it?" the doctor asks. "Well, I'll force myself to sit on the toilet for a half hour in the morning and a half hour before bed." "No, I meant are you taking anything?" "Oh," she replies. "Yeah, I usually take a magazine."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older. One says, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimes in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responds, "Well, I'm sure glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood." She raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A middle-aged man goes to the doctor about his recent issues with memory loss. "Doctor, I just can't seem to remember much anymore." "Okay," the doctor said sympathetically, "it might be an issue we can get a grip on. When exactly did you begin having this issue?" The man looks at the doctor and replies, "What issue?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease. "I think he got it from the maid," says the concerned dad, "and I've also been sleeping with the maid." "Okay," the doctor replies calmly. "Well, when you bring him into the office we'll take a look at you as well." "And that's not all," the father continues. "I think I might have given it to his mother." "Oh no!" cries the doctor. "Well, now we might all have it!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man goes to the doctor for his yearly routine physical. The nurse starts with the basic health questions. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about 165 pounds," he says. The nurse puts him on the scale and his actual weight is 187. The nurse then asks, "And how tall are you?" "Oh, about six feet tall," he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only five foot eight. She then takes his blood pressure and tells him it's incredibly high. "High!" the man exclaims. "Well, what do you expect? When I came in here today I was tall and lanky. Now I'm short and fat!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. "Did God make you, PopPop?" the girl asks. "Yep! He certainly did," the old man answers. "And did he make me too?" she asks next. "Of course he did," the old man answers again. "Well," she replies, "he's certainly getting better at it."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: An old man is taking the road test to renew his driver's license. The instructor tells the old man that when she taps on the dashboard she wants him to slow down and show her the action he'd take if a young child ran out in front of his car. The instructor taps the dashboard a few minutes into the ride. The old man screeches the car to a halt, puts down the window, and yells to the empty street, "Be careful where you're going, you little jerk!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog. She can't find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. "I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here." "Oh," the man says, "that's no big deal. Here, try this pair on." He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He hands her a second set of teeth that are too small. Finally, the third set fits just right. "Thank you so much," the old woman says. "Do you have a business card? I've been looking for a good dentist for some time." "Oh, I'm not a dentist," the man replies. "I'm an undertaker."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A new man is brought into a prison cell with a cellmate who is already 100 years old. The new cellmate asks the old man his story. The old con says, "You look at me, I'm old and worn out, but if you can believe it, I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat and four luxury cars, dated the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants around the world." The new man asks, "What happened?" "Riley finally realized his credit cards were missing."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two men are sitting in a bar drinking. The first man notices two old men across the bar. He points at them and says to his friend, "That's us in about ten years." His friend looks up, laughs, puts his head back down, and says, "That's us now, because that's a mirror."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A young man passes an elderly man crying on a park bench. The young man stops and asks if everything is okay. The old man looks up with his eyes filled with tears. "Kid," the old man says, "I'm ninety years old. Last week I married a woman half my age. She does everything.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.—JOAN RIVERS


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.—PROVERB


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing someone's cast.—DEMETRI MARTIN


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.—WOODY ALLEN


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A sixty-seven-year-old woman in Spain gave birth to twins over the weekend. The mother and babies are doing fine, but the doctor who delivered the babies is still really nauseous.—CONAN O'BRIEN


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: If you eat one apple a day for 80 years, you won't die young.—BLACKIE SHERROD


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The inventor of the Etch A Sketch died last week. His family was shaken, but is now ready to start over.—CHRIS ILLUMINATI


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say 'I'm hungry,' and so it died.—MITCH HEDBERG


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.—SOLOMON SHORT


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet—so we bought a dog; well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.—RITA RUDNER


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.—ELLEN DEGENERES


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The third bat comes back covered in blood. He says, "See that castle over there?" The other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: "My wife kisses the dog on the lips yet won't even drink from my glass."—RODNEY DANGERFIELD


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot? No idea, but when that animal talks, people will listen.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Dave went to the store for a box of mothballs. His closet was infested with moths and he needed a solution. The next day, Dave returned to buy five more boxes. "Weren't you just here yesterday to buy a box of mothballs?" the store clerk asked. "Yes, but I used up that box already. Those suckers are hard to hit when they start moving!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo"? He was studying foreign languages.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Change your Facebook name to Benefits so when someone adds you on Facebook, it will say, "You are now friends with Benefits."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A policeman came to my door yesterday and asked, "Where were you between four and six?" So I said, "Probably either in kindergarten or first grade."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blankets.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A woman is getting lunch ready when the phone rings. "This is the middle school calling about your son Phillip. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies." "I'll say he has," the woman replies. "I don't have a son."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man bought a self-help book from the bookstore. The title of the book was How to Handle Life's Biggest Disappointments. When he opened the book to read it that night he realized all the pages were blank.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A bride is going over the wedding planning with her mother. "I've got something new and something borrowed, but I don't have anything old or blue." "Don't worry," the mother says, "your father's mother is coming and she hasn't paid her heating bill in months."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear about the man who received a life sentence just for one day of bobsleighing? He killed twenty Bobs in one day.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear about the new garlic and onions diet? You eat nothing but garlic and onions for a week. You don't lose much weight, but people will be standing so far away you'll appear smaller.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting. He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What's the worst part about sitting in traffic? Getting run over.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: What goes click, "How about now?" click, "How about now?" click, "How about now?" A blind man attempting to solve a Rubik's Cube.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Fart in church and you'll end up sitting in your own pew.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A woman was driving in rush-hour traffic when the car in front of her stopped suddenly. She didn't have time to brake and smashed right into the car's back bumper.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: While watching a movie in the theater, a man can't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A drunk man hails a taxi cab. When the taxi pulls over, the drunk sticks his head in the passenger side window and asks the driver, "Have you got room in here for a whole lobster and three bottles of wine?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A drunk man stared at a huge billboard for more than an hour. The billboard, advertising soda, wanted the world to Drink Canada Dry. So the drunk bought a bus ticket to give it a shot.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A lady walks into a dress shop one afternoon after spotting a gorgeous strapless dress in the shop window. She tells the store clerk, "I'd like to try on that strapless dress in the window."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hides in one.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Three men are convicted of a crime and sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed to bring something into the cell.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A police car pulls him over as he veers all over the road.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Just before boarding began, a flight attendant announced that the flight was overbooked. She explained that the airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires. "I don't believe it!" he cries out. "I've lost 100 pounds!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A prisoner finishes a thirty-year sentence and is released from jail. The moment he's outside the prison walls, he begins to jump up and down and scream out, "I'm free! I'm free!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man releases a genie from a bottle and is granted only two wishes. "Fine," says the man, "I can live with just two wishes. I'll take the best wine in the world and best woman in the world as my wife."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Fifteen minutes into a cross-country flight, the plane's captain announces over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A drunk man arrives for his day in court. He appears before the judge, who looks down at his case file and says, "You've been brought here for drinking."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: After a two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ends its fourteen hours of deliberations and enters the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A guy walks into a bar and grabs a stool. Before he can order a drink, the bowl of pretzels on the bar in front of him says, "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Two classmates are discussing the current state of their alma mater at a reunion weekend barbecue. "Things have really gotten crazy here," the first man says.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Did you hear about the social studies teacher fired for being cross-eyed? He couldn't control his pupils.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Looking out into the pitch-black night, a sea captain sees a light dead ahead. It's on a collision course with his ship. He sends out a light signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he'd like something tall, icy, and full of vodka. The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, "Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A woman calls her husband's cell phone to tell him the car is giving her a problem. She thinks there is water in the carburetor. "How the heck would you know that?" the husband asks. "Because I just drove it into a canal."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife's purse. "How could you do this?" the pastor cried. "You know we're on an incredibly tight budget!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York. He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, "Take me to the W Hotel!"


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: One evening an old farmer decides to go down to his pond. He hasn't been there in months, and feels the urge to check on things. As he gets closer, he hears loud giggling coming from the pond.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A diet guru is holding a seminar in the conference room of a large hotel. "The food we eat," he explains, "is slowly killing us. Red meats attack the heart. Vegetables and fruits are sprayed with harmful pesticides."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera. He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn't speeding.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man was complaining about the local police to his neighbor. "I'm sick of the cops in this town telling me how to drive when they are some of the worst drivers in the state."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: Every week, I constantly pass signs on the side of the road that say Police, Accident.


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty. "What happens when I turn fifty?" the young woman asks, staring down at the cards. "Oh, nothing," said the fortuneteller. "You'll just be used to it by then."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: There are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


Prompt: Give me a joke

Response: A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub. After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it unlocked, but falls flat on his face in the hallway of his home. His wife is standing on the steps to the bedroom, waiting for the man. "You've been out drinking again, haven't you?" "What makes you say that?" the man asks, still lying on the cold wooden floor. "Because the bar called. You forgot your wheelchair again!"