start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1403494233 | 1403496255 | t3_28ud8a | t5_2to41 | 11 | Appaloosa_Slim_Chode: TIFU by eating most of the anti-moisture packet in my beef jerky
I tossed a couple pieces of jerky in my mouth and it started tasting funny by the third or fourth chew. I swallowed most of the anti-moisture packet before I realized it was in my mouth.
I washed it down it some more beef jerky, so it really wasn't that horrible.
CricketCake: Are you sick now? I've literally always wondered what would happen if we really did eat it?!
Nowhere_Man_Forever: I can't imagine anyone getting past having it in their mouth if they didn't just swallow the packet whole. It sucks up moisture and it would dry up your mouth really quickly. I have hesrd it also tastes horrible
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403494620 | 1403539516 | t3_28udq8 | t5_2to41 | 26 | Downing96: TIFU by using the handicapped stall
So today me and the GF decide to go to steak and shake after church. About halfway to the restaurant my stomach starts hurting. You know that kind of hurt that typically means a brown tsunami is about to happen? Yea well that's what was going on.
So me and GF arrive at steak and shake I immediately scope out the restroom. "Hey GF I gotta go I'll be back" I say as I begin my pre crap waddle to bathroom. I see a nice big stall for the handicapped and I think to myself "Today I crap like a king" and proceed to unload a Hiroshima blast of crap in the John. The door opens to the restroom. Huh that's funny no footsteps. I finish spraying the foulest smelling contents my colons ever produced and exit restroom to see a man in a wheelchair. He looks at me with a sad look in his eye. Knowing how I defiled the stall that this man will have to use I run out of the restroom saying sorry as fast as I can.
So TIFU by destroying the only toilet that a handicapped man can use.
FuckinUpMyZoom: its a public bathroom...
for the public...
sickduck22: like public parking... except you can get a ticket for parking in a handicapped spot. Thank god they haven't extended this to cover restrooms, too.
FuckinUpMyZoom: theres a difference though.
that is a handicapped only parking spot.
that is not a handicapped only stall... it is a handicapped accessible stall.
it is not reserved for people who are handicapped, it is made available to them. there is a huge fucking difference.
I will never feel bad about using a toilet that is unoccupied whether or not someone is waiting. nor should anyone.
tbare91: I agree with this one 100% and I use a wheelchair daily.
But I will say, don't be a jackass and use it for 20 minutes. I don't mind waiting to use that stall, but when you are in there playing games on your phone/texting and are done shitting but just don't feel like getting up, yup, that is the person I hate. Becuase I really gotta go and I have to stare at the other stalls that multiple people use in the time you are in there.
Either than that, I don't care to wait, because normally I'm at work and am getting paid to chill for a few minutes, but make sure it's just a few minutes and not 20.
FuckinUpMyZoom: hahaha I appreciate the input and nah, I don't understand people who hang out in their own bathrooms let alone a public one.
I'm in and out of there in under 60 seconds flat.
tbare91: I can understand hanging out in your own bathroom, maybe it's your place to get away from SO or children for a few minutes of peace. But yeah, I don't get hanging out in a public restroom, they are normally gross.
| 7 | 3.714286 | |
1403495571 | 1403499576 | t3_28uev8 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently liking a picture of my 2nd cousin in a bikini that she posted on facebook 4 years ago
.
ryflavey: batin to ur second cousin? i'm gonna need someone who isnt OP to tell me if this is acceptable. disgusting, you tryin to bang her to have a nice little baby retard?
Ixolich: From a quick Wikipedia search, in the US there aren't any laws against second-cousin marriage. So OP is in the clear.
Except for the awkwardness of liking a four year old picture. He's screwed there.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1403499200 | 1403503731 | t3_28ujai | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Tifu by threatening my ex to upload all her nsfw pics if she didnt give me a chance
MrSav: That was really stupid, and something only an asshole would do. Go apologize to her and don't ever do anything like that again. C'mon man.
otisreddingsong: Or better yet, don't apologize to her; just do her a favor and leave her alone. I bet she would love that.
MrSav: You're right, just a fucked up situation..
| 4 | 1.75 | |
1403497948 | 1403528809 | t3_28uhue | t5_2to41 | 29 | elliejones: TIFU by letting Mum fold my washing
This is a story about how a funny guy I know named Ben fucked up.
Ben has been canoodling this girl, and the other day she wore a sexy nurse outfit over to his house. This girl brought a change of clothes to wear home, and accidentally left her nurse outfit at his house. Ben, being the thoughtful guy that he is, decides to wash it this morning.
Just per chance, his mother decides to drive the arduous drive up from the country today to see him, and being the type of mother that she is, decides to help with his washing.
Earlier today Ben had removed the nurse outfit, along with other clothes, and put them in the dryer. Ben, realising the predicament he was faced with, quickly assures his mum that she needn’t help him with his washing. Appearing to comply with his request, she got on with cooking dinner.
A few hours later Ben walks into his bedroom, and lo and behold, all of his washing was laid out and folded on the bed - the nurse outfit resting atop of the pile.
Ben is very much looking forward to family dinner tonight.
Stiffed_: She most like guessed it wasnt his... throw a handful of gstrings into his washing and she might think differently
sickduck22: brown g-strings...
| 3 | 9.666667 | |
1403498843 | 1403539084 | t3_28uiwr | t5_2to41 | 38 | Letsdrinkabeer: Tifu by eating store bought rotisserie chicken
A couple weeks ago i fucked up.
A little back story... This happened 2 weeks ago, I work at our local fire department and stay on 24 hr shifts starting at 11 am so it's customary to cook three meals. This particular day i was on the ambulance. For dinner I went to the market took a leap of faith on the rotisseries thinking, " hell everything's better in a tortilla!" So I have this for dinner with the jalapeños that are stored in vinegar chopped, avocado, and other delish veggies! I think to myself, " not too shabby" and head off to bed. At 5 am we get called to a swat stand off... As y'all know these things can take hours, even days! So 6 am hits, I feel a bubble pop in by gut. No biggie. I'm a man! Just gotta think of... Chicks and guns and *bubble* . I suddenly became squirmish, restless, diaphoretic! I quickly do a 360 and crap, I'm in the middle of a neighborhood with I shit you not at least 150 cops everywhere! Bushes, trees, hell even the sidewalk looked like a toilet at this point! I get out of the ambulance to "walk it off" only aiding gravity in provoking the inevitable. It was coming... The only question was where? I quickly got out of the front cab and into the patient compartment where I found a bed pan and got recorded pooping into it by my partner. Thank god for biohazard bags and Clorox ! The standoff ended at 11 am with the perp in custody and my underwear clean and intact.
Bens_Dream: These posts are banned on any day except Saturdays.
sickduck22: But he didn't actually shit himself...
Etbidlepro: And he's a cop
Voyager5555: 1 - why would that even matter if he was, which
2 - He's not
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1403479363 | 1403551766 | t3_28tt8m | t5_2to41 | 17 | Buttcrap: TIFU by cycling in the wrong side of the road.
I was on my way to my exams, riding my bike, when i noticed a big roadwork blocking my way. Because I wanted to get to my exams in timely manner, I switched over to the other side of the road, as the only alternative was to drive a very big detour, which wouldn't make sense.
Things were fine until a car ran into me from the side. I was in a T intersection where cars could come from both my left and right side, so naturally I focused on not getting run over by the cars that wouldn't be able to see me (the ones on my left side). From my right side then comes a car, who hadn't paid attention to me, and runs me over.
Now I've missed my exam, and can't attend the next one, because of a concussion.
Insurance probably won't pay for a new bicycle seeing as I was also "in the wrong", so I'm pretty screwed and feel terrible.
FuckinUpMyZoom: why do you put "in the wrong" in quotes like you weren't completely in the fucking wrong.
Buttcrap: With the roadworks in the other side of the road, I had little choice!
FuckinUpMyZoom: what the fuck?
no.
if someone is doing roadwork you're not allowed to just drive on the other side of the road, and same goes for a bicycle, you are wrong. you are in the wrong. and you fucked up take some goddam responsibility you asshole.
Buttcrap: Well, I did.
I apologized about a hundred times to the guy. I fucked up that day and made big mistake, but that doesn't necessarily make me an asshole.
I tried to be very aware of the traffic. We should both have been more attentive about it.
We both came out of it allright, and hugged it out and exchanged information. no hard feelings involved. The hard part of the situation now is the whole exams part.
FuckinUpMyZoom: ... no.
you broke the law, and it exists for a reason. the road in that direction was closed so no traffic is coming from that direction, the state guarantees it.
he didn't fail to do anything, stop trying to shirk responsibility.
Buttcrap: I don't think you understand the situation. And I by no means shirk responsibility.
I kept saying through the thing: "It was my fault", by passers didn't think so, backed me up and assessed the situation for us in a very good way.
In my situation, I could have just as well been a pedestrian!
FuckinUpMyZoom: I don't give a shit what they thought, I understand the situation perfectly,
they are wrong. was there a crosswalk there? you're not allowed to to ride through a crosswalk, and if there was a crosswalk at an intersection it would have a signal, saying to cross or not. if there is no signal you're still not allowed to ride there,
you came through much quicker than a pedestrian from an unexpected area, you are 200% at fault and no one else is even remotely at fault.
Buttcrap: Well, you clearly misunderstand the situation, sorry to say.
| 9 | 1.888889 | |
1403500895 | 1403502625 | t3_28ul98 | t5_2to41 | 17 | No1Spy3e: TIFU by stomping on my puppy's front leg.
It was actually two weeks ago. I was quickly going down the stairs to get something to drink. When I stepped on the 2nd to last stair, I heard a loud YELP and I saw my puppy on the stairs. He cried for at least 10 seconds and started limping. He kept limping throughout the rest of the day. In my mind, I was going, "OH SHIT! I THINK I BROKE THE PUPPY'S LEG!" Which makes it worse because last month, he got bit in the head by my pitbull (while my parents were in clear view of both of them), he pooped out roundworms, and got his shots the next day. Also he fights with his dad. I seriously thought I was kill this dog by the end of the week. My parents and my older brother derided me and told me to "WATCH WHERE YOUR FUCKING FEET STEP, NEXT TIME!" after comforting the little guy.
Anyways, he is better now and is WALKING PERFECTLY. I will upload pics tomorrow of all three dogs.
el_crunz: http://i.minus.com/iTKaBLWQturn8.gif
No1Spy3e: I need the source of that Mr. McMahon reaction on Youtube, pls.
el_crunz: I wish I had it. I always find it by searching "Everyone's reaction to the new Gamecube controller" or something. I've watched it like 500 times and I always lol.
No1Spy3e: [I found it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVNu4HEAE5c) and it was fricken funny! Also that second guy looks like Steve from Blues Clues. I've been looking for this video for a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.
el_crunz: Hahaha well worth it! Cheers!
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1403501568 | 1403503900 | t3_28um0q | t5_2to41 | 6 | Cytonic: TIFU by taking off a bandage.
Me and my family are currently on vacation to the Colorado river. The first day we got here I managed to get a slice on the bottom of my foot. That was on Thursday. I placed a large bandage on the cut and and wrapped it with some of that sticky medical tape to keep it in place while we swam and went on the jet ski.
Flash foward to today. I am unwrapping my foot like I have been the past two nights and I run into a particularly sticky bit of tape. I of course get the bright idea to YANK the tape off tearing off a chunk of skin. I get blood all over the hotel bathroom and once again have to stay off my foot when I barely started to walk comfortably again.
Pictures: (sorry for quality. I used phone and didn't want to peel off the new bandages.
[mostly healed slice] (http://imgur.com/GJKnSnO)
[new cut.] (http://imgur.com/o80ILtv)
deserving_of_gold: Can we get some pics please?
Cytonic: Just added!
deserving_of_gold: Thank you!
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403506585 | 1403568125 | t3_28ur8g | t5_2to41 | 8 | CodyInReddit: TIFU by going to the movies
Alright, before I start - generally, this was more of a fuck up, then a good thing, let's get this underway.
On Friday, me and a few mates decided to go to the movies to watch the new Jump Street movie (wasn't too bad), we get our tickets and the rest of it and we head up to the cinema room. We find another couple of mates from school there so we talk to them, and they've brang food as well - one in particular was a bag of Allen's snakes, so we all had a go at those, however, one of my mates decided to throw them across the cinema, hitting this wog bloke dead on the back of the head.
He proceeds to get up out of his chair, and walk up the isle of stairs to where me and the rest of my mates have positioned themselves, and he starts throwing questions.
"Who the fu*k through the snake, bro?!" - This wog bloke, is yelling, swearing and carrying on infront of his two children and his girlfriend or wife. He has grabbed a hold of one of my mates shirt, scruffing him and putting his fist against his face - smashing his packet of Skittles (I think) across the cinema.
He fucks off after we tell him to (at this point, there is about 9 of us there) and he gets the manager to come and check it out - he looks for the snakes (which are no where to be found) and we are taken outside, which we then get moved to RECLINER SEATING. ($20-30 upgrade.) And he tells us to not tell anyone about it.
tl;dr dumb wog tries to start shit and we get free upgrades
duckbilled_honeyba: Oh you Aussies
CodyInReddit: What gave it away?
duckbilled_honeyba: You said "wog", as far as I can tell that's an Australian word. Well, that and the general rowdy behavior. That's what you get when everything is trying to kill you I guess; you just shrug and join the fun.
CodyInReddit: I thought the excessive use of the word "mate" would have got it for you, haha. But yeah, not many worries here.
SirJamesStark: This whole situation was excessively Australian!
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1403499031 | 1403541905 | t3_28uj4d | t5_2to41 | 11 | yevmiesterKEVIN: TIFU by getting lost
Last night was my SO's brothers 21st birthday. I really wanted to show him a good time since he's my girlfriend's younger brother after all! So here's what happened:
We all decided to pregame before hitting the bar. A few games of BP, just chilling, drinking, bullshitting, you know. The usual. We all had a handful of shots and we probably killed an 18 pack between the 6 of us. We call a cab and hit a beer only spot. Super popular bar in our area that has a shit load of beers on tap! We grabbed a drink and hoof'd it to a dive bar because for some reason all the guys were talking about cougars and I was like, "*HELL YEAH!* I know the perfect spot!" I bought everyone a round of shots and all decided we were up for some dancing. One block over is the dance bar where the younger crowd usually ends up at. We all walk in, do the usual 'hey i gotta piss lets all stand in the long ass line for the ONE bathroom they have in this place' We meet back up at the bar and all get a Red Bull and Vodka.
This is were things get fuzzy. I was fucking jonesing for a cigarette at this point. I decided to try and bum one off some stranger outside but I guess drunk me thought it'd be a good idea to walk to the nearest gas station and buy some.
**WRONG**
Being as fucked up as I was, I had absolutely no idea where I was going. The world was spinning, I was falling all over the place, and I was in unfamiliar territory downtown. I couldn't function at all. After about 30 mins of wandering aimlessly, everyone's calling me. Where are you? How'd you get there? Why are you walking? My girlfriend thought it'd be a good idea to try and tell me the phone number to a cab that we used early over the phone. I couldn't remember it for the life of me. It sounded like a bunch of random numbers over and over again. And to make things worse **I HAD THE ONLY KEY TO THE APARTMENT** Eventually I ended up at a VERY well lit, intersection that gets some good traffic late at night. I hailed down a cab and it turns out that this guy just dropped everyone off back at our apartment. He offered me a ride but I didn't have anymore cash. He was cool with it. I was so relieved. After some scoffed up knees, a cut up hand, and trekking a thousand miles for a cigarette. I finally made it home.
Oh, and the worst thing about the whole ordeal. *I never got my cigarette*
**TL;DR got super drunk on someone elses 21st birthday, tried to buy cigarettes but ended up getting lost and walking around aimlessly**
Teotwawki69: Yep. You definitely fucked up, and screwed over your SO's brother on his big day. Good luck with living this one down, skippy.
yevmiesterKEVIN: Actually, he was cool with it. It was just a minor hiccup for the night. I was more upset with myself then they were at me. I got home safe, then we proceeded to play Rage Cage until 3am. But you're right. I am never going to live this down. And I'm fine with that. because you know what?
Next time it's not gonna be me haha
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403501799 | 1403554519 | t3_28um8w | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU BecAuse i didn't pay attention to the rest room signs
Today I went for a job interview. I got there early so I went to use the rest room. Usually I like to use the fAmily bathroom because the door closes and no one can peek in and see you. The family bathroom was out of service and without thinking I went down the hAllway to the left. There were no doors you just sort of round the corner and are in a bathroom. I walked in and BAM I look up from the floor and see a penis. The guy quickly changed his stance and turned sideways in the urinal and I mumbled an apology and left. 10 minutes later I'm called for my interview. Guess who was behind the desk. It was the worst interview ever. All I could think of was I seen his junk and he seen me looking at his junk.
[deleted]: Should have taken a picture while in there and used as blackmail to get the job. :)
[deleted]: I didn't know it was going to be him or maybe I would have. But since I didn't know it was him it really would have been me tAking a picture of some random stranger like. Perv.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403507322 | 1403572545 | t3_28urxb | t5_2to41 | 802 | [deleted]: TIFU by bringing weed Jolly Ranchers on a week long religious choir trip...
AngryCoDplayer: First of all, nice post. Not a fuck up, IMHO, but good post. Second, if you had been caught, all you'd have had to do is say that you told those kids the candy had your medicine in it. As for medicine for what, you could say anything from ADD to headaches or anything. Mind you, I might still be telling the main fuck up who originally took it and passed it out to his friends, "See? I told you that candy had my medicine in it and it made some of you sick!" But, then again, maybe not. Good on you, as far as I'm concerned. My only wish is that it would've made all of them deathly ill. Thieving little self-righteous fucks. And this is from one who professes to be a Christian myself.
FatherEarth: You are fucked up, dude.
AngryCoDplayer: Yes. Yes I am. You're saying that like it's a bad thing???
Anonymousthepeople: It is. You're like one of the most obnoxious people on the internet. Pretty up to par with 9gaggers and /r/atheism posters.
AngryCoDplayer: I guess you're going to want to argue semantics here, but please note that I never wished death on small children. I have children. We disciplined ones that aren't the product of home schooling. I would never wish death on a child. Especially when it is the parents fault for not teaching the kids. What I said was "I wish they'd gotten deathly ill." I never said "I wish they'd die." nor did I say "I wish they got sick and died." nor did I say "I wish they got sick to the point of dying". What I again said was "I wish they have gotten deathly sick." As in, sick as though I were dead. Not actually dead. There's a difference. And I stated it. Verily clearly in fact.
Anonymousthepeople: I don't understand how "deathly ill" means not wishing death upon someone or at least meaning that they get so sick that they become deathly or die. I'm not going to argue with you, all I'm saying here is that your choice of wording was rather poor.
AngryCoDplayer: That's your opinion, to which you are entitled, no matter how wrong it is. I said what I meant. I wish those kids would all have gotten so sick they wished they were dead. Then that way maybe they'd keep their ill disciplined grubby little dick beaters off of stuff that belongs to other people.
| 8 | 100.25 | |
1403507824 | 1403553361 | t3_28usd2 | t5_2to41 | 13 | tattooedhands: TIFU by thinking the edge of my phone was a wall or door.
So, I just recently moved in to a new apartment and I'm not completely familiar with the layout of the place. It was around 11:30 pm, a few hours ago and I decided to have a smoke and drink a beer on the back porch. Everything was great until I came back inside. Now, I'm a cheap bastard so even if I leave the place for 3 mins, I turn off all the lights including my computer so it's pitch black when I walk in. I use the iPhones screen light to try to find my way to the nearest wall... When I turned the phone it looked like a wall corner for some reason so I jumped back and smashed the back of my head in to the actual corner where two walls meet. To make matters worse once I hit my head I fell, onto a bag of trash that I should have taken out when I went to smoke. Shit stinks..
TL;DR Use a nightlight and take your damned trash out.
eightbitbeard: My Galaxy S 4 has a bright-ass LED light on the back. Lights up the whole room.
tattooedhands: iPhone does too. But I was mobile redditing and walking. Bad combo
eightbitbeard: Friends don't let friends walk and Reddit.
tattooedhands: My head is still on fire. Bad move
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1403508488 | 1403510016 | t3_28usyq | t5_2to41 | 9 | ifucktrees4fun: TIFU by laughing at my own fart while my dad was 9001% pissed off
This was 10 years ago when I was 7. So it was around 11:00 and I don't remember why, but my dad was so angry Satan looked was like Buddha. Anyways, he was shouting at my brother (9 at the time) and kept rattling off about stuff. I, being 7, let out a massive fart. I start losing it and my dad turns to me, eyes redder than the Devil's dick, and gives me the death stare. He gets even more mad and starts coming towards me. Being a 7 year old boy, I shit my pants to the though of my dad being mad at me. Anyways he calls me names, and I freak out. Every time he's mad, at someone else or at me, I pray to God I don't laugh. TL; DR dad is mad, I fart and laugh, never again.
CapgrasX13: Damn dude. Your dad's a dick.
ifucktrees4fun: He used to drink a lot. He's quit drinking now though, so that's good.
| 3 | 3 | |
1403510284 | 1403604859 | t3_28uuhv | t5_2to41 | 136 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a shower.
This didn't exactly happen today but happened yesterday.
Okay, so for the past week I've had the flu. Not any type of flu, this is the one where your nose just leaks the yellow snot and you're vomiting every hour or two. So I wake up at about 7 feeling like complete shit, and have this really terrible craving for chicken noodles, so I get up at 7 and make me some noodles. Everythings going good so far, nose is still blocked up but that's it. About an hour passes, everything is still going good. So I decide to take a shower.
***not a good idea.***
I get in, doing my thing, and I start to feel funny. I brush it off and keep cleaning my self, that's when I my stomach starts rumbling. I instantly think to myself "It's to late to get out now" and trust my instincts and pray to god that it's a fart. I release. My ass starts spraying chocolate shit up the back of the shower wall and I spread my legs out so I don't get any on me, and It just doesn't stop, it keep's going and going.
Thing's start to settle down and I'm cleaning the shit off the shower with the shower head and some soap and then the smell hits me. Do any of you have a puppy that takes shit that smell like satan's anus? That hit me, pink vomit start's coming out of me, while my ass starts leaking down my leg a little. At this point in time I'm crying, naked, partially soaked in shit and I'm a little bit scared.
Long story short everything get's cleaned up and nobody knows a thing.
tldr; took a shower, turned into a human fountain.
imaybemeesh: So I'm assuming you're still sick, and I'm going to share my wisdom from having a similar type of bug with you/anyone else who finds themselves in desperate, desperate times.
If you have a tub/shower combo, and you feel that awful "explode from both ends" feeling coming on, go into the shower. Hang your shame on the bathroom door: it's only going to get in your way. Turn the water on as warm as you like, and get down on all fours with your head away from the drain and your butt towards.
Then just let loose.
This way everything smelly runs away from your nose, and the worst part never gets near it.
It's not pretty, it's not good, but it's a hell of a lot better than sitting on the toilet with a pan on your lap hoping to god you don't overfill something.
Also, eat ice chips. I got to the point where I couldn't eat any solid food or drink water, and I honest to god think I would have had to be hospitalized if it weren't for ice chips.
Feel better soon!
The1BlackHand: TIFU by walking in on a sick imaybemeesh in the shower...
imaybemeesh: Almost a real story of one of my roommates at the time but they knew I was practically dying so they would have at least understood.
| 4 | 34 | |
1403513059 | 1403557452 | t3_28uwny | t5_2to41 | 12 | joeywhite00: TIFU by listening to death metal at 3:30 AM
This literally just happened like 2 minutes ago.
It's about 3:30 A.M. right now where I live, and my family is sleeping. My room is right next to my 4 year old brother, and across the fall from my parents room.
I was listening to "Evil" by Mercyful Fate on full volume, obviously I had my headphones on. Ironically enough, before this happened, I was thinking how bad it would be if my headphones accidentally unplugged while this fucking loud death metal song that has King Diamond screeching was playing.
As the song was nearing the end, during the very loud guitar solo, I reached over to the left of my bed to get my phone, and part of my headphone wire (The wires on my headphones are really fucking long, about 9 feet in length, no joke) was under my back, and when I reached over to get my phone, I accidentally unplugged my headphones.
When this happened, I had 2 fucking seconds of silence to figure out what to do, and my mind completely stopped. As the noise started to blare from my laptop speakers, I immediately went to go close the tab (I was using Grooveshark), and a message came up asking if I wanted to close the tab. I wasn't feeling it in this time of panic, and I went to my sound mixer and moved the volume all the way down to zero. The music played for about 7 seconds. Luckily my 4 year old brother didn't wake up, neither did my parents, and I'm relived.
doedanzee: Mercyful Fate isn't death metal.
JoeKrauzer: Was thinking the exact same thing. OP needs to revisit his metal genres....
joeywhite00: Probably... I'm honestly not the biggest metal head. In fact, I only started listening to Mercyful Fate a few days ago.
JoeKrauzer: I suggest you continue listening. Mercyful Fate is very good.
joeywhite00: Fucking yes.
| 6 | 2 | |
1403513305 | 1403535651 | t3_28uwu9 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to download something from the PirateBay.
I was being the cheap bastard I am and trying to find a download for the full version of BandiCam(Don't even know why I would want that anyways) on the PirateBay. I find a link that says "Direct Download." Aww yea! I click it and hit the first download button I see. I don't know what I was thinking because usually I'm no idiot when it comes to the Internet. Suddenly, my Windows 8.1 starts spazzing out about some malicious programs it detected. I'm scared now, so I try to open up MalwareBytes, but I guess it was the one day it wouldn't work. By now, I'm in panic mode. I have some trojan that's non-stop installing adware. "Oh fudge..." I think to myself. Eventually, I manage to find my way through the adware thanks to the amazing Firefox and discover a program called AdwCleaner. I ran that crap and cleaned everything up. After a reboot, I try to update Adobe Flash. Clicked a fake site by accident, got adware. Had to run AdwCleaner and reboot again.
**RECAP**: *Had to fight off an army of adware because of the PirateBay*
thismightbemymain: Hey dude go download Revo Uninstaller, free trial. Go and check c:/programfiles and check for any programs there that you didn't install on purpose. Click the file and copy the file path example c:/programfiles/SUPERSAVINGS-COUPON-MAXIMUM
And then go to Revo, click force Uninstaller at the top and paste it into the file path input field. Click go, don't use the built in Uninstaller if it has the option, scan for files and keys, select all, delete... Scan for residual stuff, select all, delete.
Repeat this for every dodgy or unknown program you find (be careful you don't remove something important)
Then repeat this process for c:/programdata and c:/programfiles(x86) if using 64bit windows.
Once you are done doing all that (if there is a lot, I may take an hour or two) run Ccleaner and clean your pc, clean your registry and remove any startup programs if there's anything else lingering
Open your browser, go to settings and remove any start up pages, toolbars/extensions or "new tab behaviour" (a restore default settings will help).
Then go and run malwarebytes and let it do a full scan.
If you want to be extra careful/paranoid do another Ccleaner clean (files and registry), have another poke around for any programs left with Revo and do another scan. Just keep rinsing and repeating. Turn your pc off, and repeat to make sure everything is gone.
^for ^bonus ^points, ^pirate ^Revo ^Uninstaller ^and ^keep ^it ^forever
hoarybeach: And then he clicks on a direct download link bc it pops all over the screen and gets malware trying to get Revo Pro.
thismightbemymain: lol'd
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1403516195 | 1403620457 | t3_28uz5q | t5_2to41 | 40 | dammit46: TIFU by being caught with my fetish porn
I have a fart fetish, so watching videos on mute is a no-go. I had the volume pretty loud and my mom must have heard. She must have thought I was watching some comedy or something and came into my room to see, but not before I did. We haven't talked all day.
mythrowawayresponse: > came into my room to see, but not before I did.
I see what you did there...
sickduck22: World's Greatest Mom.
mythrowawayresponse: Produced by Brazzers...
| 4 | 10 | |
1403516926 | 1403546164 | t3_28uzoo | t5_2to41 | 115 | porcia918: TIFU by accidentally letting out bubbly queef during small talk in an office.
This actually happened a few years back.
I had gotten a job at a real estate office as an assistant/receptionist.
The office was full of nice, classy people, all of whom would take the time to come over and say hi and make conversation with me - super group of people.
I went in on a Saturday for some extra hours.
I was standing up by my desk, and one of the realtors, a man, probably about 40 years old, came up and talked to me.
He was asking me something like, 'how are you doing?...'
As he was speaking, I accidentally let out this bubbly, wet-sounding queef. (I didn't have sex before going into work or anything, just extra air)
His expression changed, then his face color changed, to CRANBERRY.
I'm pretty sure mine did the same thing, but tried to pretend like nothing happened.
I must have completely blocked out the rest of the trauma, because I can't remember how we ended that conversation.
I'm sure the whole office knew about it the following Monday, but I don't remember anyone giving me funny looks or anything.
- I remember I was also wearing a skirt, so no sound barrier, just clap, clap, clap.
mythrowawayresponse: > just clap, clap, clap
you got me at the first clap
kingeryck: You might wanna get that clap checked out.
mythrowawayresponse: <golf clap>
kingeryck: Ew must've gotten that from an old guy
mythrowawayresponse: ew or mmm?
| 6 | 19.166667 | |
1403520191 | 1403520609 | t3_28v27t | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my private region
Stuie675: I mean... it could have been Justin Bieber.
ExileGameBreaker: Or 5 of them, 1d
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403518213 | 1403560685 | t3_28v0oo | t5_2to41 | 13 | Maggiesmandarins: TIFU by not checking my messages before sending them.
I'm well known with my friends for my message typos, now unfortunately my daughters school knows too.
Some background, my daughter started Prep this year at a very small country school and trying to be a good involved mum I put my hand up to be the tuck shop coordinator.
Well today I replied in a group message to some mums about wether or not I would be at the school that day to pick up orders with "S is Fucking F up so won't be there today" didn't realise this mistake till tonight needless to say nobody has replied...
For clarification S is my SO and F is my daughter.
Edit So off to school this morning wish me luck, hope they all have a sense of humour...
Edit 2 Thought I should add for those asking, I meant to send "picking F up" but most seem to get that, hopefully the mums at school do to!
Malamutewhisperer: Ummm, for clarification you point out your significant other is fucking up your daughter?
I'm waiting for the clarification of what you meant to send...
And if this IS what you meant...then T you FU by letting everyone know what a messed up family dynamic there is in your house!
NotShaq: I think it was meant to be "S is picking F up so won't be there today"
Maggiesmandarins: Exactly thank you!
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1403521079 | 1403570415 | t3_28v2xo | t5_2to41 | 8 | feggatron: TIFU by getting a blowjob.
this did not happen today, but it was at my girlfriend's house. we were sitting down watching a movie, when suddenly things get a little....sexual . So I'm gonna save you all the details, but she was on her knees in front of the couch.
when her dad walks in.
At first I thought I was dead, but he had not seen anything. I had sweatpants on so it was easy to hide my erection fast enough for him not to see.
Needless to say we got away with it, but the girlfriend and I still cringe to this day about it. We also learned not to ever get it on in her parent's house.
SolRepublicity: How did you fuck up?
feggatron: now i can't even get it on with my girlfriend without thinking of her dad's hate stare towards me that night. it was traumatizing. *shudders*
DancingCarrotCake: That's because he knew your dick was in his daughter's mouth.
Parents have this habit of assessing situations before barging in. You think they just randomly walked in right then. The reality is, they usually knew what was going on first and then innocently "walk in" on you and are surprised.
| 4 | 2 | |
1403511806 | 1403547325 | t3_28uvor | t5_2to41 | 114 | [deleted]: TIFU by allowing my cousin to buy a laptop off a guy in the street.
Not my fuck up, not today, but this was a massive fuck up and i was involved.
About 3 days ago my cousin bought a laptop from a random guy selling them in the street (yay Brazil, where common sense doesn't ring a bell) at a bargain price of 250 US $ and was quite happy.
Despite my protests and calls to reason she ended up buying it anyway and when we got home (we were in Rio, not for the WC btw) she tries to boot it.
No joy.
Ok, my old laptop's charger is compatible so i plug it in, give it 10 minutes and try to boot.
Nothing.
"Oh for fucks sake, the battery must be dead" i muttered to myself damning myself for not physically picking up my cousin (she's quite petite) and taking her away.
I decided to take a look and unscrewed the lower plate of the laptop and to my surprise it was bricked.
**NO**
Not that kind of bricked, for there was no broken hardware, or hardware at all.
**THERE WAS AN ACTUAL BRICK INSIDE TO GIVE IT WEIGHT.**
This is the last time i'll ever allow any family member to purchase any hardware in my presence without my expressed consent.
TL:DR Error 404, common sense not found
Nowhere_Man_Forever: Just how big is this laptop that an entire brick could fit inside it? Bricks are all pretty much the same size, and that's too big to fit in a laptop. I can't imagine anyone would cut it and then put it in the laptop, because there are other much more dense materials than clay used for bricks, and such a scam artist wouldn't take the time to cut bricks.
OP you made up this story because you thought the twist of "being bricked" being a literal brick was too good to not share and for some reason you thought TIFU was the place to post it.
Pointwest418: I think it was a desktop PC with the separate tower
Nowhere_Man_Forever: He said laptop many times.
Pointwest418: Maybe it was broken down into small pieces? Like a brick crusted into gravel?
Nowhere_Man_Forever: He said "a brick" as in a solid continuous piece of brick in a recognizable brick shape. Face it, OP is full of shit.
Pointwest418: Fuckin' OP
| 7 | 16.285714 | |
1403521961 | 1403522778 | t3_28v3n0 | t5_2to41 | 8 | throwatwataway: TIFU by masturbating with an egg
I was masturbating with an egg and right when I was just about to orgasm all of a sudden my vagina decided to suck up the egg like a vacuum. Not like any old hoover but like a Dyson cleaner. I was so scared and spent the rest of the night trying to push it out but it just wouldn't come out. So I just left it, when it wants to come out it will. So later on I was out playing basketball in the gym and the egg slide out into my underwear and I was too embarrassed to just stick my hand down and take it out so I left it there until I got home. I didn't know what to do so I just put it back into the fridge and tried to forget about it ever happening. Well later on my dad made us all egg salad sandwiches and I just about lost my appetite and watched the rest of my family eat what was possibly up in my vagina.
xBeRefuseD: straight outta yahoo answers
Scorpionwins23: Ha, literally:
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110622103947AAFa72q
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1403523817 | 1403579572 | t3_28v588 | t5_2to41 | 3,390 | [deleted]: TIFU When I Went Blind
Thirty years ago I went to a college party. After the party I decided it was a brilliant idea to drive home from college, surprise my parents, and do my laundry. I made it home and took a hot shower. I shampooed my hair and rinsed off, but when opened my eyes, there was nothing but complete darkness! I was completely blind! I was touching my eyeballs, prying open my eyes, and really freaking out! I was sobbing and terrified. Did I drink to much? Was I drugged at the party? What happened to me?
Not knowing what to do, I grasped for a towel, opened the door, and felt my way down the hallway, calling out for my parents mumbling, "Mom.... Dad.... help me!". As I slowly reached the end of the hall I noticed the smoke detector light (battery enabled) in the ceiling. It was at that exact moment that the power comes back on to the neighborhood, my parents opened the door to their bedroom and asked me what was wrong. I just stood there with a towel wrapped around me and felt like a complete idiot.
TIFU by thinking I went completely blind when I took a shower and a power failure hit while shampooing my hair.
JustAnotherNig: Besides the drunk driving which is totally fucked.. It was a pretty funny story lol
Cronyx: I agree it's a terrible thing to do, and I don't think anyone *sober* would disagree. Problem is, "Drunk You" has way worse judgment, "Drunk You" is a short sighted asshole, and thinks he hasn't had too much to drink. "Drunk You" is a completely different person. :/
siegewolf: Drunk me is me, but drunk. I don't suddenly become an idiot who thinks doing something dumb is okay. You shouldn't be drinking If you do that.
Cronyx: I have never in my life met someone whom didn't experience some level of inhibition reduction when imbibing alcohol. If I ever met you in person, you would be the anomaly in "all the people I've met".
In fact, fMRI scanning on test subjects before and after alcohol consumption show radically different frontal lobe profiles between the two states, in the same person, in 90% of subjects. You are almost literally a "different person" when drunk. Yes, you share the memories of Sober You, but Drunk You has a different *personality*. Drunk You then (sometimes, and often with errors) passes on the memories of what they did to Sober You.
siegewolf: So you're saying I should be playing Russian Roulette and throwing knives at friends?
Cronyx: I CTRL+F'd my history, and it turns out I didn't say that, no.
siegewolf: It's not like doing something stupid like eating a whole box of taco shells. We're talking about drinking and driving. If drunk you can justify doing stupid shit that is bound to get people killed you shouldn't be drinking. It's pretty simple really.
Cronyx: Would you make that argument regarding all behavior modifiers, not just alcohol? Lets say one of my friends has chronic, persistent insomnia. He can't sleep without taking Ambien (he's been prescribed about two dozen different sleep aids over the past ten years, none has worked except Ambien). I'll qualify that a little more, because I'm afraid what you heard was, "He has trouble getting to sleep without Ambien." No, what I said was, he **can't** sleep without Ambien. Four days awake when prescription lapses, to the point where rational thought starts to suffer, and begins to hallucinate.
One of the side effects of Ambien is short term memory loss. Which is fine when you're sleeping, you won't remember that anyway. However, if you happen to wake up after getting to sleep within the first hour or so, when the drug is still strongly in your system, you will also experience almost complete clinical inhibition *suppression.* This can easily lead to some dangerous scenarios that you won't even remember happening later. Like being woken up and asked to drive across town, which you do, but forget to *put clothes on.* This memory loss and inhibition is a known and documented side effect for some people, but for the people stuck on Ambien, they've exhausted all other options.
This is something that's being prescribed by a doctor, and your job requires you to be rested to function. Furthermore, if you *don't* risk taking it, you won't sleep for four days, and will eventually have a panic attack and swerve in traffic swatting at bugs crawling on you which aren't really there. Not a safe or practical alternative.
What do you recommend?
PrincessOfPurgatory: Don't drive. The box says not to take it and drive. Easy as.
Cronyx: Obviously. But part of the side effect is the suppression of inhibition, and short term memory loss. He didn't *know* he had driven till he found his car in the wrong spot, and his friend laughed at him over how weird he was acting.
| 11 | 308.181818 | |
1403524273 | 1403526476 | t3_28v5ne | t5_2to41 | 2 | edkisin: TIFU by not checking in at dentist yearly
In my childhood I was traumatized with TOP-NOTCH EASTERN EUROPEAN STOMATOLOGY, so I wasn't visiting dentist (even paid ones) even through it's usually free to check in and just let the doctor look.
So recently my teeth started to ache. This is not normal, because even with me having bad teeth they don't ache. 2/10 on a pain scale, but it could be the reason of something big. One tooth bugged me so mmuch, so I thought it was the cause. With €100 in my pockets, I went to the dentist, hoping that it would be quick. Anyway, checking in is free even in private clinic.
Well, they made a x-ray shot of my teeth, took a peek, scrubbed them a litthe with that awful pick and said that it won't be €100 at all. At first, the x-ray itself costs €15. Then, they said that I didn't brush well, so there would be €75 more for pre-cleaning. Then, my wisdom teeth are growing wrong, so €500 for removing them, then, this tooth is broken, better remove it, €60, there is a shit-ton of cavities, €270, holy shit, look at that, this tooth needs total repair, €450, etc, etc, etc...
I've ended up with €2200 bill (they did nothing right now) and a month to find cash, because thing will get even worse. Well, fuck me, I'm graduating, I'm in conscription, and I'm just broke. So this isn't just today I fucked up, but I was fucking up for 8 years straight.
Also, as a fatality, I will need to pay €50 each visit for tranquilization because they don't have enought painkillers for my body.
ii_misfit_o: if your in the military they should be paying for your health and dental...
edkisin: Ha, no way. Best I will have for free is the wood drill.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403525270 | 1403528879 | t3_28v6ll | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU on showing a class a movie
TIFU showing a class a movie.
Netflix wasn't working for the teacher, so I suggested a website.
I typed it in, found the movie (stand by me) that we were going to watch in English.
Just as I was about to press play, guess what shows up. An animated porn advert.
On the projector, all the class saw, a women getting banged.
TL;DR: Showed English class porn.
Pyrelord: This is way less severe fucking up than having your professor open the projector and one of his bookmark folders was named xxx, not everyone saw but everyone heard about it later/
sickduck22: I just really hope those bookmarks weren't on a computer he only used at school...
| 3 | 2 | |
1403526423 | 1403534446 | t3_28v7qj | t5_2to41 | 46 | [deleted]: TIFU when I fell for a girl on Tinder.
I'm a college student, that met an awesome girl on Tinder.Went out a few times, hooked up a few times, and ended up caring for her ALOT. 4 weeks in, last night, I get a message saying "I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore" I had never been speechless before. Everything was going well, lots in common, and now...this. My only thoughts were her parents somehow found out she was with a black guy? She's Asian btw..I have no idea what to think. But I haven't been able to sleep, and extremely sad. I just got over clinical depression, and this was the first girl I've opened up to in 2 years...the only one thing that's made me happy in a really long time..and now. Just like that, it's gone. I don't know what to think anymore..
Screwed_38: If it's good and feels right, fight, stay true and show you care.
JamieDepp: She won't respond:/
Screwed_38: You need to go about this carefully, what I'd the distance between you physically? She in another state? Have you met her parents? Are you sure she isn't playing you? I don't want to upset you any more but there are questions you need to ask yourself and maybe try to ask her?
JamieDepp: Never met her parents, lives 10mins away, we have hooked up many times, we liked eachother a lot, I have no idea :(
Screwed_38: Ok, there are 3 things you can do in this situation, 1. "bump" into her mum or dad and strike up a casual conversation to figure out what kind of a person they are and they can do the same without knowing about you and her, 2. Confront her as she walks to school/work or wherever but make sure she is along and not within sight of her house and talk to her, 3. Forget about her, take up a hobby that forced you to focus and not think, without trying one of the first 2 I cannot help you
xaronax: Are you fucking 12?
Do you understand what the fuck you're typing?
| 7 | 6.571429 | |
1403526728 | 1403584542 | t3_28v81x | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating cherries
Today I went to my favorite local family-owned kebab restraunt. I eat there a lot, and I know the people that work there pretty well. One of them is an old lady who is very kind. Well, I went to eat there today as usual, and the old, kind Turkish lady that works there offered me some cherries. I ate about 7 or 8 and then she told me that I can just keep the whole basket full of them. I was eating them as an appetizer until my actual order arrived. My mother was talking to the old lady, and she was talking about how she has a garden and about how these cherries from her garden taste better than the ones you can buy at a store (she was eating them too). My mother was still casually talking to the lady, but I noticed hat she was opening the cherries to the core and looking around there carefully. I asked her what she was doing and what she was looking at, and she said that she was checking if there were worms inside the cherries before eating them. Fuck. I already ate about a dozen without checking and I'm sure that I ate a couple cherries with worms inside them too. I just grabbed a random cherry to see how many had worms in them, and lo and behold, I see one of those fuckers inside it. So yeah, I'm 100% sure that I have worms now, and I have no idea what to do besides drink my 1.5 liter coke and hope that they die inside my stomach or something.
SSPPAAMM: If it helps: I have eaten cherrys with worms in the past. You can taste when you bite on one with a worm. It did not do any harm.
For the future you have two options:
1. Eat the cherrys and don't worry about worms.
2. Stop eating cherrys.
I chose the second option.
waffleman69: Cherries*
SSPPAAMM: Thx. I was not sure how to spell it correctly. Obviously English is not my first language.
| 4 | 6 | |
1403526686 | 1403562957 | t3_28v80i | t5_2to41 | 1,103 | [deleted]: TIFU by uploading a nude pic to my hometowns official instagram account
So about 30 minutes ago I have never fucked up so royally in my life before. I am using a throwaway account...
Earlier today I got access to my hometowns official instagram account. I work in the same building where the city's municipality works (people who basically run the town). They want me to basically promote the town and different events since it is my job. Only few have access to it and about an hour ago I decided to make my first post. So I take a couple of pictures and decide to immediately upload it. I was outside and today it is sunny so it is very hard to see my phone screen. So I choose an imagine from my library and make the caption and upload it. So after ten minutes I decide to check back on it for any likes only to be greeted with a naked picture which I took yesterday for my girlfriend under the hometowns account. I freaked out so hard I dropped phone. I gathered my senses and threw myself to the ground to pick up the phone and delete the picture as fast as I could. I am now home, absolutely terrified and I dont know what to do... jesus have mercy upon my soul
Edit: Oh jesus guys somebody notified the police and they called the head of the municipality who then contacted every person with access including me and I said I knew nothing about it. Should I come clean??? I am so scared how this will affect me.
SecondTalon: You've already fucked up.
Not just the nude picture thing, that was an incredibly unfortunate mistake that would have ended with your Instagram rights revoked and possibly losing your job and.. that'd be the end of it.
But instead of .. basically immediately notifying whoever your boss is of the colossal fuckup, you did nothing.
When asked directly, you denied it.
Hope your resume is up to date. They will figure out it's you, they will fire you, and I don't know the laws of wherever you are, but they may try some criminal charges. Probably not, but it's possible.
[deleted]: Don't understand all the periods, but you're right. It would be extremely embarrassing to admit to this, but he should have done it immediately. Management could easily cover for him, if they wanted...but he'll probably be fired regardless. Atleast there is a chance for him leaving on good terms if he fessed up to the error immediately.
SecondTalon: I've got a habit of, when writing informally, writing in such a way that it comes out (or at least I think it comes out) the same as my speech patterns. Including the occasional pauses for emphasis. And convoluted wording.
I should probably break it.
[deleted]: That's what grammar is for. All the tools are already there. It's like you're making up your *own* grammar.
SecondTalon: Yep. Hence the "I should probably break it."
[deleted]: I didn't find there to be a problem with how you structured your sentences, coherency isn't lost. The other guy is clearly a pedant, do what you do dude.
[deleted]: Lol, of course you wouldn't. Your grammar is shit too.
[deleted]: /r/iamverysmart
[deleted]: >I didn't find there to be a problem with how you structured your sentences - coherency wasn't lost. The other guy is clearly a pedant. Do what you do, dude.
FTFY
It isn't at all difficult to express yourself correctly. It isn't even about intelligence. I actually assumed the original commenter's first language wasn't English until they mentioned they literally made up their own grammar, which I thought was interesting, so I followed it up. I'm not really trying ro insult anyone, or seem "very smart." I don't write perfectly either.
[deleted]: > I don't write perfectly either.
Stop preaching then.
>I'm not really trying ro insult anyone
Calling people's grammar "shit" is insulting, especially when you're not perfect. Nice attempt at back-pedalling though, your move smart guy.
[deleted]: Oh yeah, I was referring to the original commentor. I was definitely insulting *you*.
Nice run-on you have there at the end of your comment. You need to learn the difference between commas and periods. Are you making up your own cribtalk grammar too?
/r/SummerReddit
[deleted]: Nope, I just don't take everything quite as seriously as you :D
(Especially on the internet)
^^^^/r/iamverysmart
[deleted]: Lol, then why can't you shut the fuck up and move along?
[deleted]: You asked me a question, genius. Of course I'd reply, it is the polite thing to do!
| 15 | 73.533333 | |
1403527064 | 1403540333 | t3_28v8f5 | t5_2to41 | 19 | Spicybagel: TIFU by shooting my dog with a pellet gun.
Yesterday was my birthday and so I got a .177 rifle pellet gun. I was shooting targets from our deck and my ammo was on a lounger. I cracked the barrel on the lounger because it was easier than on my knee and got the (lead) pellet in. As I was pulling the gun up my finger jolted back and pulled the trigger. Our 3 month old puppy happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and the pellet hit him straight in the ass. We had to rush him to the animal hospital 30 minutes away (after hours) and he has to stay overnight at the hospital. It's an $800 surgery and our family is mad at me. He's going to be fine though!
ZodiacX: Finger off the trigger unless you're ready to shoot.
Most guns (pellet, laser, water, etc.) have a trigger guard which should be respected.
Glad that didn't end worse for the pup.
Accidents happen, be smart to avoid them.
Spicybagel: I put the safety off because I was getting ready to shoot and I didn't expect my finger to jolt or have a spazzam or whatever caused the trigger to pull.
ZodiacX: Yeah, safety or not you still keep that finger off the trigger. Especially when getting into position that finger should stay free and clear until you're settled in, just before you slow you breath for the shot. You should ideally be pointed at your target before you wrap that finger around.
Not trying to rebuke you, just some advice to avoid future accidents.
Spicybagel: I will definitely do this in the future. I'm still new to guns so the only safety rules I followed was don't point it at anyone and always have safety on (other than when you're going to shoot, of course).
ZodiacX: It is one of the more subtle safety tips that new gun owners should really learn off the bat. The safety is great to be conscious of, but it can off long before you go to shoot and between reloads. That trigger finger though can make the difference when, like in your case, there's a spasm or if the gun slips or you get bumped. It is also just better practice for lining up your shot, you avoid accidental fire while lining up if your grip is too tight or need to adjust.
In general:
Line up your shot
Finger on trigger
Slow deep inhale, half an exhale to settle in
Gently squeeze
Finish breath and finger off
All other times keep that finger off the trigger
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1403528842 | 1403529136 | t3_28vaiw | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by shaving my ass.
Don't Shave That Hair!!!
I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.
Little did I know.
I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.
Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.
Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."
Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
changingminds: That was the most beautiful thing I ever read.
meggl23: I have to agree. Made my day. The beautiful description and attention to detail deserves a nobel literature prize
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403510544 | 1403541589 | t3_28uuou | t5_2to41 | 9 | Karranas: TIFU by walking into a McDonald's bathroom door which I thought was locked.
It wasn't.
As I walked in there was a guy wearing a stereotypical hobo attire (Bearded, had really coarse looking hair, one of those hats with sideflaps that look like nets, etc.) standing up, doing what I think was jerking off. He had an expression of horror as he quickly turned to the side, but something tells me he didn't do a good job of concealing it. I just walked out, and waited for the men's room's only stall to open.
Lesson learned, just wait at the stalls and not use the handicapped bathroom, even when my stomach grumbles like hell.
Please lock the bathroom doors if you're using it.
Turd_in_the_hole: Hobo erectus
Ozyman_Dias: Genius.
| 3 | 3 | |
1403529418 | 1403531217 | t3_28vb7z | t5_2to41 | 52 | carat135: TIFU by breaking both of my ankles at the same time.
**Backround**: I am in competitive gymnastics, and compete in the optional level. I put a lot of training into gymnastics (20 hours a week), and it takes lots of preparation to get new skills and tricks competition ready.
**The Story**: I went to my first gymnastics meet of the season. My adrenaline was pumping and I was ready to try my new routines in competition for the first time. My team and I warm up, stretch out, and the National Anthem is sung. We begin warming up on our first event, the vault. In practice the last week I had just landed a Pike Tsukahara on the vault for the first time. (Google it, on mobile and can't link). I was going to try it in the meet. I was warming up, feeling confident. I decided that I needed to do the "Tsuk" for my final warm up. I run down the runway, jump off the springboard, push off the vault table, and try to grab my legs to pike my vault. I miss. I flail in mid-air in a layout like position. I under rotate, but both my feet land flat on the ground. Unfortunately, so did my face, putting extreme stress on my ankles. I hear two large cracks from by my feet. After this I get up, telling myself and my coach that I'll be okay to compete. Adrenaline coursing through my veins, I managed to walk back to my chair. That would be the last time I walked in 3 months. When I tried to get up again, my body was like, "Nope!" Some friends hauled me to my car, and I got driven to a hospital where I learned that I had fractured the talus in both of my ankles, and would need for months to fully recover, would miss the entire season, and would need to use two boots and crutches for the majority of the time. When I joke about it with my friends I say, "At least I landed evenly."
**TL; DR**: I managed to break both my ankles on the last warmup turn on the first event of the first meet of the season.
dr3wfr4nk: like [this?](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/2127343/girl-breaks-both-ankles-o.gif)
carat135: Nah, looked kinda like [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_vCCbuSzUY), except I under-rotated.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1403529504 | 1403534733 | t3_28vbbu | t5_2to41 | 82 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating in a hurry
My normal Sundays consist of laziness and then cutting my hair myself to the regulation Marine Corps standard that I've grown to accept. After my ritual ear raising, I took a shower and got ready for work. I noticed I had a few extra minutes on my hands so I figured I could knock one out real quick.
I went to town on the ole boy and was getting close to finishing when I realized I didn't have anything prepared to catch the batch. I reached over into my laundry basket and grabbed the first shirt I felt. I hit critical mass and covered my junk with the shirt from the dirty clothes. After ejecting I sat in sweet elation, enjoying the rapid pulse in my neck and the quickness of my breathing. Then I looked down.
I had grabbed the shirt I wore during my haircut. My manhood (usually clean shaven) was now a mass of wreathing hair and semen. I sat up, out of breath and agasp at my self inflicted tar and feathering. Needless to say I was late for work. I will now never wear a shirt during my haircuts again (Why did I anyways? I have no idea.)
TLDR: Today I fucked up and coated my beans and frank with ejaculate, dusted with clippered hair like a disgusting country fried steak.
dylansavage: Why the fuck would you come into your clothes?
Turd_in_the_hole: Come on, after everything you've read on reddit? Cum on clothes isn't that outrageous- socks are a pretty common cum catcher, a t shirt is just the next stage up from that. Natural progression. I'd limit it to under garments though.
ClassiestBondGirl311: My ex would cum in his socks all the time and then leave them for me to wash. It would piss me off to no end. I could *tell* what it was, I'm not stupid, but he would come up with bullshit excuses. Dude. I don't care. Everyone masturbates, just wash your own fucking socks if you're gonna cum in them.
| 4 | 20.5 | |
1403530365 | 1403530958 | t3_28vcfr | t5_2to41 | 4 | wnewstoday: TIFU and didnt get any sleep
TIFU and didn't get any sleep last night because I pulled an all nighter playing LoL....
I have an exam today... I thought yesterday was Saturday and I was going to study today.
barbandit87: At least you blame yourself and not some silly game...oh
wnewstoday: Oh no... I blame the game ;)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403530895 | 1403630432 | t3_28vd6b | t5_2to41 | 351 | ThrowBackdoorShave: TIFU by shaving my private area
throwaway because people know my reddit account and I don't want them finding out.
No bleeding, no gore, but still shameful.
So I am a 20 year old dude, still living at home with my dad, mom and 22 year old sister. Today was my day off and no one else was at home and no one was supposed to come home in the next 3 hours. I took a shower and decided to shave my private area, I hadn't done it into a long time so I just started. While showering I shaved my crotch area, but being the hairy guy I am my asshole also needed a shave, but I can't reach it in the shower since we have a small shower and I am 6 feet 5 tall. So I get out of the shower and dry my hair and chest and go to my room to start shaving my asshole. I needed some music and being a big Taylor Swift fan^it's^my^secret I put her Red album on, banging State of Grace and singing along I start to shave. Now here is the problem, I didn't hear the door open when my sister came home earlier for whatever reason. I guess she heard Taylor Swift banging from my room and me singing along and tried to have a laugh by busting in on me. My door was open, I'm busy shaving, my room is layed out so my spread legs face the door, she comes in and screams, my only thought was "fuck". I panicked and grabbed my towel and closed my door, turned off Taylor in the middle of Treacherous and put on my clothes. I don't know what to do, I don't think I can talk to my sister anymore, I'm afraid to go down. It's not hard to explain the shaving, but listening to Taylor Swift and singing would be. I just feel so awkward at the moment.
TL;DR: I was home alone shaving my private area while listening to Taylor Swift and singing, when my sister came home earlier and busted in on me while being fully exposed to my back door.
EDIT: We talked, she told me to lock the door from now on and that she never wants to talk about this incident again.
Moral of the story is lock your door, even if you are alone. Don't let this happen.
bigtrav0: This will make it way easier to come out, when you finally decide to.
ThrowBackdoorShave: Well I am not gay and neither do I have gay feelings. I just shave my backdoor because I am blessed with being hairy, and when I sit down I get it really hot and start sweating.
poodletorch: Bro, as a fellow swarthy individual, shaving your ass/asshole will only make that inevitable sweaty ass much more uncomfortable to deal with. The hair allows the water a place to find refuge. Whereas a bare ass forces water to form ever moving pockets between your newly hairless cheeks. You will now fully comprehend the word clammy. Not to mention the stubble you will have in a couple days. With every step mimicking a sandpaper water slide, you will be forced to shave your manpuss on the regular, likely being caught by the other members of your family whilst listening to Adele or Lips Inc. You fucked up buddy.
[deleted]: Use a bit of baby powder and there's no claminess plus it smells better then just being sweaty, the irritation goes away after the first couple.
ThrowBackdoorShave: I'll keep this in mind.
[deleted]: The only real downside I can think of is that you can't pass gas silently anymore.
CochinBrahmaLover: As a girl with a hairless asshole, I think I speak for most girls with hairless assholes :
How do you think we fart silently?
BeifongWingedBoar: You don't. Even if you *think* it's silent, most guys can tell when someone farts. It's kinda like the force from Star Wars and we can sense the disturbance.
| 9 | 39 | |
1403531441 | 1403588111 | t3_28vdwh | t5_2to41 | 57 | yeldog: TIFU by telling a dead baby joke
A few years ago one of my friends was pregnant.
We were sat round in our group of friends talking about her and brooding as girls do.
I have quiet a black/morbid sense of humour, so at that time I used to respond to people asking "where's this person" when I had absolutely no idea with "he's dead".
Back to this girl - she was talking about her baby and saying " she's not moved in a while, don't know what's going on". On reflex I said "maybe she's dead" to which all my friends reacted with "that's horrible, why did you say that!"
Anyway a few hours later I come home, and my friend messages me on Facebook chat - "been to see the midwife, baby's coming out on Saturday. Stillborn"
Needless to say I never answered with "maybe they're dead" as a morbid joke ever again.
TL;DR suggested friends baby wasn't moving because she was dead as a sick joke. Turns out I was right. Felt awful
jerrytheman1998: That shit isn't even funny. Always saying people are dead in response to people is just fucking stupid. Something a 'random' 5th grader would do.
JamieLeeTurdis: Buzz kill sheesh
Norm984: right?
He's so not the man right now.
jerrytheman1998: Maybe I'll get it right next time?
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1403533120 | 1403555774 | t3_28vgbj | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU By Letting Her Kiss Me
Background: I'm 16 and she's 18. I became really great friends with this girl about 4 months ago. It was right after she had broken up with her boyfriend. We talk and text all the time, and it's not uncommon for us to be up until 2am talking. At first, she was just my friend, but not long after we met I realized that I really, really liked her. I always thought that she wasn't interested in me at all though. Then, about 2 months ago, she texted me telling me that "She's wanted to be my first kiss for a couple of months now." I really had no clue what to say, because I didn't understand what she meant. When I asked her what that meant, she replied with something like, "I don't know, haven't you ever wanted to kiss somebody? It's just that... you're you and I'm me." This had me even more confused but we continued being friends and I continued having a huge crush on her.
Then, about 1 month ago, we were both at my best friend's 18th birthday party. We were playing the game sardines (For those of you who don't know, it's basically partner hide and seek, usually played at night) and she was right by my side the entire night. Every time we weren't walking, she was next to me, and I could feel her against me. At this point I was thinking "Well maybe she actually does like me." Anyway, so when it's our turn to hide we both go behind this building next to a woods. I say something like, "This isn't a very good spot, let's go." and she says, "Wait, come here." So I walk over to her and she just embraces me in this hug for probably 20 seconds. Then she looks up at me and smiles and leans in and kisses me. The kiss lasted probably 15 seconds. (also I was really bad because it was my first kiss, and she definitely knew what she was doing, so that's embarrassing.) And then we sat down. I was just giddy as shit and shaking because I was so nervous and I think she could tell. Anyway, about 5 minutes later she kisses me again, for another 10ish seconds. The point is, it wasn't just a peck. So I'm on top of the world thinking hey I think maybe i've got a girlfriend.
Then, 4 days later, she tells me that she got back together with her current boyfriend. I told her I wasn't mad at her, but in reality, I was kind of heartbroken and upset. That might be ok alone, but the thing is, she is still very flirty with me. (More Background, we've hung out almost every single day of the summer) Once when we were playing guitar (we both do), she just laid her head on my shoulder and listened to me. I feel like she goes out of her way to be close to me, always sitting near me. And when she was at my house, I was laying on the couch and she was across the room on a chair. Well, she comes over to me, lays behind me and says, "I'm your jetpack" and laughs and just stays there. I got up and moved after awhile because I don't want to be the asshat who hits on girls that have boyfriends.
So this is the situation right now: I like a girl a lot, but she has a boyfriend. I would normally understand and be able to move on, but she hangs out with me 3-4 times a week and she's flirty towards me. Additionally, she texted me about a week ago and said, "When I look at you, I just can't believe that I kissed you." And then she went on to say how I was "Out of her league." Which I disagree with, she's beautiful. I wish that I didn't like her so much, because there are so many other great girls, but I can't get over her.
TL;DR
I like a girl a lot. She kissed me twice and then got back together with her boyfriend. So that sucks.
**EDIT**
I should mention that I really do not regret the kiss at all. It was amazing and I'm glad it happened, it's just that now I like her so much more.
bluebrandy: "Out of her league" what kind of stuck-up bitch says that.
coffeeshopslut: You read that wrong
bluebrandy: Wait it's the other way round?
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1403533199 | 1403535145 | t3_28vgfh | t5_2to41 | 9 | throwaway000322: TIFU by subscribing to porn...
I was horny, I thought "Meh, $15 a month for a porn website isn't too bad". Plus it was pretty hot stuff. So I decided to subscribe. Out of curiosity I navigated to another site on the network, when I hit sign in, bam, $30 charge.
So I decided to cancel it. I canceled the subscription to the first website, but then, saw that I could stay on with the website plus get all of their bonus sites for $25. So I decided to do that.
Bam. $25 charge.
Needless to say; I ended up paying $70 for porn in one day for a month...
I ended up calling Customer service, which was hella awk... When I got to a rep he was being kind of a dick and saying I'd only be charged if I hit join. I finally got the $29.96 refunded, but the other two charges were kept.
I guess $40 for porn isn't nearly as bad as $70...
Jemtek: http://thepiratebay.se/browse/500
Your welcome.
throwaway000322: I'm aware. It's literally the first porn I have ever bought...
All I thought was "meh, it's $15, I'll cancel as soon as I sign up and that's that."
those sneaky bastards.
| 3 | 3 | |
1403533725 | 1403541022 | t3_28vh7d | t5_2to41 | 18 | flabergasterer: TIFU By Running Over the Prom Queen's Dog
Saturday night, I ran over the prom queen's dog.
It was dark and on a highly trafficked road so no stopping. I was 99% sure it was her dog. I work with her at a pizza shop so Sunday at noon, I saw her. I did deliveries so I went right out first thing. On my route, I got stuck behind a road crew that's cleaning the road right in front of her house.
Being the biggest idiot in the history of idiots, I got back and asked her if something happened in front of her house because there was a road crew scraping something off of the road. My curiosity got the best of me. She loses it. Telling me (and the co-workers that now gathered around) about when/why they got the dog for her and how the person that ran it over didn't even have the decency to stop.
When I went back out, I notice some remnants under the car so I had to go to one of those car washes with an undercarriage option before we closed. That didn't get it all so I had to use one of those self-wash pressure washers to knock off, literally, some hanging meat that was stuck under the car.
We got off of work at the same time and I live past her house. That was the longest 10 minutes of my life as she followed me until she got to her house. It felt like her headlights were peering under the car looking for evidence.
*(Another poor choice coming up in 3....2....1....)*I told one of my friends who is (I think jokingly) threatening to tell her. I'm pretty sure he will just use it against me as a joke as I have quite a few (highly illegal) things on him. Her Facebook timeline is just a mess of pictures and friends' comments about this dog.
Should I tell her? If so, how? She's way out of my league but we are friends enough because we work together and she's a nice girl. Should I wait until graduation (class of '15)? 10 year reunion? Take it to my grave?
flabergasterer: She has exactly zero reason to suspect me so I had this weird desire to scream out that I ran over her dog. But I know that would do no one any good.
I love dogs. Especially little ones like her dog.
I would have swerved left but a car was coming over the hill in the other lane. It felt like 10 minutes passed from when I couldn't see the dog and the awful thump.
I work again tonight. I hope she doesn't. :(
not_horatiocaine: I'll make sure and send positive thoughts her/your way so you don't take this traumatic event too........(sunglasses on)....... ruff.
flabergasterer: Oye yoy yoy. That's incredible.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1403502582 | 1403626256 | t3_28un69 | t5_2to41 | 3 | TKMSD: TIFU by not signing in right away.
Between writing prompts, LPTs, xx chromosome whatever and the World Cup I can feel my will to live dropping like a fat kid on ice skates.
Voyager5555: And yet your douchbaggery is rising to unheard of levels, so you have that going for you.
TKMSD: You are right. Your mother does smell better when I'm done with her.
Voyager5555: (shrugs) have no idea who the woman is, glad you're having a good time.
TKMSD: Not so much, she's still in a coma.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1403536544 | 1403545403 | t3_28vlqa | t5_2to41 | 25 | xixi2: TIFU By Streaming Porn Audio into My Work Office... NSFW
I had just gotten home from work and had some things I needed to get to, so I was in a bit of a rush to... "take care" of some personal business first.
So I jump on my main computer and launch up the youjizz... A couple loud videos later (including one with The Little Mermaid in it, because it was on the front page and I was like "lol what is this"), and I was finished in relatively short order (5-10 minutes).
3 seconds after finishing, my computer pops up a message: "Disconnected from LogMeIn".... And I start freaking out.
I quickly realize I had left my work computer remotely connected to my LogMeIn PRO account. One of the PRO features: audio connection. I had just streamed audio from my computer into my work office full of cubicles.
I didn't know what to do... I convinced myself that maybe nobody heard. Maybe everyone had left that room for the day... maybe nothing would happen.
Next day: nobody says a thing, until lunch, when in front of a full break room, one co-worker says "Hey XiXi, did anyone ask you about those sounds from your computer last night? Sounded like a beached whale in heat...".
I ran from the room. It never led to any other action besides that, but geez.
AnalAvengers69: Did your co-workers take it whale?
lukesta72: If I hear moans and screeches, I immediately think its a god damn beached whale...
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1403538837 | 1403617670 | t3_28vpto | t5_2to41 | 45 | [deleted]: TIFU When I gotten bitten by my pet snake and got taken to hospital in an ambulance because I went blind for ten minutes (BLOODY PHOTOS)
I knew the snake was a biter when I bought her for £300 from my local reptile shop. I also noticed the employee's hands trembling that got her out of her tank for me. He used a snake hook to get her into a bag and she narrowly missed his face as she lunged at him.
She was a gorgeous yellow, black and white coloured diamond jungle carpet python and the biggest snake I'd ever owned, but still considered quite small at 5ft long. Nevertheless, she was all muscle and lightning fast.
I did well to tame her somewhat and soon learned that she would only try to bite if she was in her tank and didn't show the slightest bit of aggression or defensiveness when outside of it. I used a hook to get her out of her tank and let her sit around my neck. Nevertheless, although I'd kept snake for ten years without a single bite, I knew it was only a matter of time before I slipped up. And I knew it would be a shock.
One day I decided to get her out when I was home alone. I tried to get her using the hook and ended up with her crawling all the way up the handle to my arm. Since she was half out of her tank anyway, I put the hook down and let her climb over me.
Then she looked at my wrist. And with lightning speed she put her whole mouth around it in an instant. Despite knowing that the one thing you should never do when being bitten by a snake is RIP IT OFF, my instincts kicked in before I could even think and I pulled her off with my other hand. Despite the danger of infection to both parties (biter and bitee) via teeth being left in the skin, I was probably better off doing that in all honesty. Her entire body started to corkscrew at the time of the bite and if she had constricted my arm, there was no way I'd have be able to get her off on my own. I would have had to simply wait it out.
Immediately after getting bitten, I shut the glass door of the tank with the snake inside and inspected the wound. "That's not so bad!" I thought. It barely even hurt. I even took a photo.
Then I noticed a lump appearing where one of the tooth marks had punctured a vein. Upon realising I had a lump, I went blind. Absolutely black-out blind. I started to panic HARD.
I lowered myself to the floor and crawled to the phone. My vision returned in waves, giving me just long enough to call my mum.
No answer. I left a panicked voicemail in between laboured breaths.
I sat there for a moment. My vision disappeared and I was fighting for consciousness. If I passed out without getting help would I die on the kitchen floor? Why couldn't I see? Why did I have a huge lump?
I decided my desire not to inconvenience anyone was outweighed by my will to live. So I called the emergency services.
I don't remember exactly what the lady said, but I remember slurring and barely being able to talk. After explaining I had been bitten by a non-venomous snake but I had a strange lump come up she said she would send an ambulance.
I couldn't go through with it and through fear of wasting anybody's time I told her not to send it. She then advised that I call 111 instead.
If you're not familiar with it (as I wasn't), 111 is the National Health Service advice line in the UK. I got through to a very nice man who insisted he would get me an ambulance. I begged him not to send one and said I just needed reassurance that the loss of vision and the lump was normal. Instead, he arranged an ambulance and talked me through taking deep and slow breaths. It had now been ten minutes since the bite and I hadn't noticed I was hyperventilating. Crawling over to the sink, my vision had begun to finally stick around so I managed to get myself a glass of water.
Then my mum walked through the door, followed by two paramedics. Then a friend turned up who was supposed to be watching movies with me that night.
Despite my constant asking, the paramedics still wouldn't explain to me what the lump was, or why I lost my vision. They told me I could 'lose my arm' if I didn't go to hospital that night to get a tetanus jab, so due to the insistence of my mother, I was put into a wheelchair and taken in the ambulance to A&E and I sat in the waiting room for five hours. My husband came to meet me and also insisted I stayed, but at 2am I asked a nurse where I was on the waiting list and she said I still had a few more hours. I got the impression I was likely to be last on the list and went home.
I sold the snake a week later for £150.
----------------------------------
TL;DR: My pet snake bit me and because I had panic attack and fought passing out for ten minutes straight, I got taken to hospital in an ambulance to wait in a wheelchair in ER for five hours for absolutely no reason.
Pics in the comments.
[deleted]: I'm feeling a little national pride at the moment. Blind, bleeding and a strange lump and we still don't want to put anyone to any trouble. "No. No ambulance please, just tell me it's normal to be blind and swelling and then I'll have a cup of tea and wait for it to go away."
So did you find out what caused the blindness and the lump in the end? Could it have been panic blindness? The lump was probably just trauma.
[deleted]: Hindsight is 20/20 and all that because I didn't even realise until days later that I was having a panic attack and the blindness was a result of almost fainting.
I guess the lump was similar to one you'd get from a dodgy injection because I've seen people bruise in a similar fashion after a poorly done blood test.
Can I just say, during my wait in A&E I told my story on the UK reptile forums I'm a member of and I got a LOT of hostility and insults for getting an ambulance because I felt like I was going to die. Sheesh!
neko_loliighoul: Its called a haematoma
[deleted]: -Googles-
Fascinating! I wish someone could have told me that at the time!
neko_loliighoul: :) FYI I don't think sudden blindness is really something your would not want immediate care for, that's a pretty strange symptom of stress.
[deleted]: The only other time I've experienced something similar is when my vision clouds over just before I've fainted - so I assume I must have been fighting off losing consciousness all that time!
neko_loliighoul: Sounds unlikely tbh
| 8 | 5.625 | |
1403540651 | 1403542314 | t3_28vt18 | t5_2to41 | 4 | wofedoge: TIFU by eating 2 much nutella
Unsharted4: "not today," posted on TIFU.
bluebrandy: rule one
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403539294 | 1403551822 | t3_28vqls | t5_2to41 | 12 | mattlagz13: TIFU by picking up a shoe.
So I was smoking early this morning on my back porch. Take in my i'm barefoot sitting on a small stoop. I see my mom's water shoes drying off next to my foot. For some reason I decided to knock the shoe over with my foot. At that moment, that horrible moment, a giant wolf spider scurries away and runs over my bare foot. This fucking spider has a leg span of the palm of my hand. So panic ensues as it natural would to someone who has a phobia for bugs, insects, spiders, and anything of that nature. See the part where I fucked up is during this moment of panic I launched myself in the air. I had my iPhone 5s sitting on my lap. My phone landed flat on the screen and shatters completely to the point where i can not ever read anything.
Shockling: I do not know how you break the screen. I still have a 4S I got it like a month after it was released and I've repeatedly dropped its with a case and without a case on carpet, wood, concrete and asphalt.
darthjammer224: Edges. When you drop it on its face there is a good chance that it will just scratch because of the large surface area it lands on. When it drops on one of the four edges its dropping all its weight on one little spot. After that happens it falls on its face AMD that force male the spiderweb even bigger. The second that corner cracks the structural integrity goes down the shitter faster than mexican food
Edit as pointed out below my point about surface area only really works if its a semi flat or flat surface
phunkydroid: Also, if you drop it face down and it lands on anything. The large surface area doesn't help if there's a tiny pebble right in the middle when it lands.
| 4 | 3 | |
1403521724 | 1403565452 | t3_28v3gj | t5_2to41 | 27 | nonofax: TIFU by looking through a coworker's wallet
This happened last december, I had gotten a 1 week contract where I worked as a "welcoming host" in a train station (I don't know how to call that in english). There was "break room" nearby where we put all our stuff (clothes etc..). Also there were two coworkers with me who had the same contract as me.
Lunch break comes, I go get my coat and wallet in the break room then go to a subway to get myself a sandwich. When I arrive to the cash register, I remark that the only 20€ bill I had disappeared. The cashier was kind enough to give me the sandwich anyway as I explained the situation and promised I'd come back tomorrow to pay, but I digress.
I go back to the break room to eat, then call home and ask if anybody saw the 20€ bill near my room and it was nowhere to be found. Then it occurs to me that the only way my bill disappeared was that one of my coworkers stole it when they took their break in the "break room" (they took few breaks before but I didn't).
So then I get the *dumbest idea ever* which was to look through their wallet to see if they had my 20€ bill (as if I could recognize mine from other bills). I wait and I wait in case any of them comes in the break room. 10min passes, no one to be found. I find the first wallet and I shit you not, the moment I opened it, one of my coworker opens the door and sees me.
She calls the other coworker and they go through their bags to see if I stole anything. I couldn't speak to them or make eye contact after that. Thing is, I'm pretty sure one of them *did actually steal* the bill from me as one was mad at me (normal reaction), and the other acted like it was no big deal that I might have stolen something from her (guilty??). But I couldn't bring it up after what happened.
Anyway, after that we had a *reaaaaaallyyy* awkward rest of the week and I never saw them again.
**TLDR: Lost 20€, suspected coworker stole from me and went through her wallet. Got caught. Dumbest idea ever. Fuck you brain**
tishstars: The logical thing to do there would be to explain what had happened. At least they'd understand the rationale for your snooping and be less angry at you. One of them probably was a thief; I'm guessing that this area is locked?
nonofax: Well I did explain it but she was still mad at me for passively accusing her of stealing. I just wanted to end the week and never see them again
tishstars: You could've let her know that you were checking on everyone, not just her. It's always the defensive ones you gotta suspect though...
nonofax: Even if I did it was a stupid move to check their wallet for a 20€ bill. I mean I couldn't even recognize mine if I found one. It was too much to justify so I just thought "fuck it" and waited till it was gone
tishstars: Yeah your methodology was stupid, and the fact that you think that this was stupid now makes me question whether or not this tifu is real.
nonofax: You never do something in the heat of the moment then realize" wow what I just did was stupid"?
| 7 | 3.857143 | |
1403543292 | 1403584352 | t3_28vxjg | t5_2to41 | 36 | Ileumn: TIFU by accidentally mocking a handicapped man
I volunteer in the ambulation department at my local hospital. Basically I assist a physiotherapist in helping wheel chair bound people walk, this involves a harness they wear and a apparatus they lean on. These people are old and wont ever be able to walk by themselves, its really for helping them get exercise. Yesterday I had just started on a new floor (new patients) and the Physio was setting up the apparatus and told me to ask someone if they want to walk and if they do I wheel them over. I go up to a old man that was tucked next to a table and I ask him "hello sir, would you like to walk?". and he responded in a very angry tone "yea. I would. asshole". then I realized he had no legs...
Lebron123: Lady and gentlemen, let's all give op a standing ovation.... Wait a second!
Rase_Kracken: Good one. Man that's funny.
| 3 | 12 | |
1403542869 | 1403547459 | t3_28vwr4 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching porn
Well, for the past two years i have managed to keep everything i watched hidden. Ive always browsed incognito mode, always deleted my browser everything, and even deleted the router history a few times.
But today i get a text from my mom "Were you downloading anything yesterday? I got a message from the ISP, and they will shut our internet down".
I hadn't used utorrent or thepiratebay in over a year to download games or movies, so i just say "No. I haven't done that since last time they caught me".
And she says "It was porn".
She then proceeds to call me and explain how pissed she is that i lied to her about watching porn and how she "Got a link to the movie, what time it was watched, and what IP address watched it". She asked why i was looking up "Crazy shit like this?" and how it was going to stunt my development and shit like that?" and the only specific thing she mentioned was transgender porn, which is weird, since i haven't watched it in over six months.
I'll admit yesterday i decided to get a bit adventurous and went into some of the more fucked up fetishes, and while doing that accidentally ended up on a bestiality site for a total of three minutes, which i closed out of as soon as i realized what it was. I really hope that's not what she saw.
And i didn't even download the porn, it was all streamed from online.
Im freaking out right now, it's kind of like "Does my mom think im a horsefucker? Or that i like shoving bottles in my anus? What the fuck she see? Oh god!"
Sorry for any bad grammar, im sort of freaking out right now.
TL:DR Watched porn, now my mom may think i fuck horses
jbl429: No, this didn't happen. Your ISP doesn't give a crap if you watch porn because the porn industry isn't actively lobbying to get violators in trouble.
LuxNocte: Fun fact: downloading a copyrighted video isn't even illegal. It's illegal to *distribute* copyrighted works. (BitTorrent counts as distribution, because you're uploading even while you're downloading.)
So...yeah...OP is pretty certainly lying if he says his ISP is threatening him. Nobody cares that you're watching horse porn, OP.
umsurewhynot: Can you explain the uploading while downloading part?
jbl429: It's called seeding. Torrent works because people share content. So when you add a file to download via torrent, you're also sharing at the same time the content you've downloaded.
This can be disabled on most torrent apps. Some torrent sites, however, require that you have a certain ratio to download, meaning that you have to upload a certain amount before you can download.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1403544835 | 1403585349 | t3_28w09q | t5_2to41 | 6 | trueorfalse500: TIFU, well yesterday by hanging out with a black girl.
So a coworker and I decided to get together and just hang out. We went to a restaurant, a bar and walked around. As the day progressed I noticed something funny. Almost every black guy gave me a sneer or a look of sheer anger. I've never had that kind of thing happen if I was chilling with an asian girl or a white girl. I'll never make that mistake again.
Johtun: Black people can be more racist than white people, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Daddy_Greens_Pizza: If by racist you mean create laws that lower the property value of homes when white people move into certain neighborhoods, or systematically shut whites out of the vast majority of economic growth then yes. otherwise, they are just angry or bigoted.
devals: You mean *some* black people can be more racist than *some* white people? Uh, yeah, I'd say Uncle Ruckus is a bit more racist than a young white progressive. No shit, Sherlock. What you're *really* trying to say is that black people are more racist than white people, but are too pussy to come right out and say it.
Not to fuel a debate that was flawed from the start, but didn't *white* people, y'know, create *laws* against interracial marriage?
Don't kid yourself- a surprising number of white people are still privately or publically against interracial relationships. Let me guess, you "wouldn't want one dating your daughter", right? Oh, but those people aren't *racist*, of course... not like those morally/socially un-evolved blacks...
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403545155 | 1403641916 | t3_28w0ww | t5_2to41 | 21 | saschavikos: TIFU by projectile vomiting on my drive to work.
I have always wanted to post here, seeing as how I am a walking series of fuck ups, but I wanted to stay true to form and post on the actual day of my fuck up. So, here I am, I'm hugging the porcelain and typing this on my phone.
It all started when I woke up this morning. My stomach was off, and I was greeted with a series of sulphur burps followed by an unruly gut noise. Having experienced food illness several times, mostly because I am an idiot, I knew what was coming.
I began damage control almost immediately. First thing I did was go to the kitchen and down a cup of steaming pepto bismol, hoping it would hold the horror at bay. After about three minutes groaning in my easy chair, I decided I was a little better, so I limped to the bathroom. On my way, I prodded my wife awake.
She isn't a morning person, so I tried my best not to sound like my insides were trying to get outside. I refrained from kissing her, and told her, "happy anniversary babe! I love you! Can you get the kids ready? I'll be in the bathroom for a few minutes."
After a groggy affirmative nod, I drag my self to the toilet, hoping she gets into the living room before anything happens. At this point, things don't look good. the pepto is like tissue paper holding back a tapped oil geyser. I turn around, brace myself against the bowl, and prep
For the apocalypse. Vomit sprays out of me and I make some very unflattering velociraptor screeches as I empty my stomach.
I instantly feel better. I take a few minutes to pull myself together, wipe down the toilet, and throw some clothes on. By this time kid two needs to be dropped off at daycare before work. I think, "hey...I must've emptied my stomach back there, I can drive her no problem." So I load my three year old into the car and head off.
Minute 5 of the 15 minute drive to day care. Something Is wrong. I'm not sure if I need to vomit again or if it's just an aftershock, but I am not ok. I start running possible escape scenarios in my head while my kid sings obliviously.
Minute 10 of 15. After catching five red lights, I look up to see the road is down to one lane due to guys working on the traffic light. Sweat starts beading on my forehead and my hands go clammy.
Minute 15 of what is now a 25 minute drive. I know I am going to vomit. It's only a matter of time now. I am just hoping to get the kid out of the car before I erupt.
Minute 25. Kid two smiles at me as the day care lady takes her out of the car. I mumble something, and she shuts the car door.
Minute 25 and 15 seconds. I spray hot pink pepto and last night's dinner over myself and the interior of the car. It's hot at first, then cold. It fills my nose and I am in a bad way, but there are cars behind me, and I've got to make it home.
I start driving, covered in slime and trying not to speed. I drive like I'm smuggling cocaine. Anxious, paranoid and trying to keep a low profile while driving as fast as I can. After an agonizing 15 minutes I make it home. No one is here. I hobble into the back yard, strip naked and start hosing off my face and clothes. To cap off the experience, the back door is locked, and I have to pull on my soaking, slimy boxers and sprint to the front of my house, hoping my neighbors don't see. I make it inside. Shower. more vomiting. car cleaning...and here I am. I called the doc, and now I'm banking obit being a stomach ulcer.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I didn't.
Ovil101: Do you think your kids ever noticed it?
saschavikos: I doubt it. She was already walking in by the time the vortex started. The day care lady may have seen it. I'm sure it looked like I had exploded as the windows were covered.
Ovil101: Man, the sucks.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1403545165 | 1403546233 | t3_28w0xf | t5_2to41 | 6 | Chochisimo: TIFU by hooking up with my bosses son
This happened a few years back but it is too good not to share. I worked at a local ice cream shop in a town next to me and the owner is my good friend's mom. My good friend had a girlfriend he has been dating for a few years, but this is high school people no one is married so please hold the judgement. We had been partying down the street at our other friend's house and when we got a little too drunk we let the sexual tension get the best of us and we drunkenly made our way back to his house and up to his bedroom (we drove my jeep down the street). I think we had probably been making out for about five minutes when we both passed out. We woke up at about 5:15am, leaped out of bed and began panicking as he explained to me his dad would be awake any minute to walk the dog. Keep in mind my boss, his mom, is sleeping in the next room. We grab my stuff, run downstairs, get to the door, only to realize I FORGOT MY KEYS UPSTAIRS!!! So my friend runs back upstairs to quickly grab my keys and all the sudden on his way back down i hear another voice. His dad and his brother sound almost identical and have very similar laughs so taking a deep breath i conclude it is the brother and continue to wait. Now by the time i realized it was actually his dad there was only a half wall between us, I was standing by the back door and he was standing in the kitchen talking to my friend who had my keys in his hand. Knowing that his dad was going to turn the corner to exit the door and walk the dog any second I made a quick decision and BOOKED IT right out the door. The driveway had a light sensor so all the sudden I was in the spotlight and all his dad saw was the back of a 5'1" brunette girl sprinting from his house. I ran into the woods and did not stop until I reached the driveway of the house we had been partying at only to realize my car, which my boss has seen outside her ice cream shop countless times, was now left at the bottom of their driveway. All of the sudden however, I see my car driving down the road....but who is in it?? I cautiously approach the vehicle, hiding in the brush, only to see my friend emerge. His dad apparently instantly knew it was me but agreed to keep our secret of fear his mom would punish him for the rest of time for cheating on his girlfriend and not to mention firing me. Needless to say I had to suffer through visits from his dad to the ice cream shop almost every time my friend and I were assigned to work together for the night and learned my lesson to NEVER hook up with your bosses son.
Edit: "Bosses" in the title is supposed to be "Boss's"
mythrowawayresponse: > His dad apparently instantly knew it was me but agreed to keep our secret of fear his mom would punish him for the rest of time for cheating on his girlfriend and not to mention firing me.
This isn't your problem. You aren't to blame and you shouldn't feel bad.
Chochisimo: I don't feel bad, especially since she broke up with him a few months later before going to college...but it definitely would have made working for his mom incredibly awkward for me :)
mythrowawayresponse: yeah being the "other woman" always seems to cast a shadow on said woman. society is fucked.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403531631 | 1403552526 | t3_28ve4t | t5_2to41 | 5 | enjoysleep: TIFU by adjusting the showerhead
I have a removable shower head and went to slightly adjust the stream of water. As I grabbed it at the base, as I normally do, the thing snapped clean off at the base. I was a little bit dumbfounded and for an 15 seconds, a jet of water was streaming directly at the ceiling and window. I forgot how to turn off the water and just tried to stop it with my hand.
There was still shampoo in my hair and I ended up putting my head under the faucet to wash off. Guess I have to go to Home Depot today afterwork.
[picture proof]http://i.imgur.com/m8DX1rV.png
TL;DR - broke faucet head, water went everywhere.
lukesta72: Enjoying a shower, and then you break the shower head... lol. and that sucks...
enjoysleep: Yes, it did suck, especially since I had shampoo in my hair at the time.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403545524 | 1403614435 | t3_28w1kb | t5_2to41 | 348 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidently liking a picture of my 2nd cousin in a bikini that she posted on facebook 4 years ago
.
mythrowawayresponse: **never like the following:**
1. old pictures
2. pictures of your SO's friends in revealing situations
3. pictures of your relatives in revealing situations
Be a man and fap in silence... like the ninja.
appear. fap. disappear.
Swarlsonegger: let me piggyback on this.
On top of that never like anything past bed time. Nobody wants to know that you are looking at some sexy pictures of her during 2AM in the night.
FlatlinerG: On top of that, why are you fapping to pictures of your family?
jerrytheman1998: Because they're hot
BallinAA: I like you, you're going places.
Agothro: Places such as West Virginia.
alphasgirl525: BJs are better there due to lack of teeth.
AtheistCLM91: Can confirm, am from WV.
| 9 | 38.666667 | |
1403546052 | 1403577895 | t3_28w2i3 | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating a burger (non shit related story)
Im visiting a friend in a big city, and we were walking around taking in the sights, given my sheltered southern upbringing. We saw a bunch of those people set up and watched a bit. I talked to a few just to see what actually they were protesting or setting up for, and gauge whether those types were as crazy as I had always been led to believe. Some were chill, some had that fanatical gleam in their eye.
So we got our fill and moved on. We went to five guys and ate on the go, looping back around to see them. They were a bit more vocal this time. I'll admit I idly wondered if they'd say anything as I passed by munching on that divine burger, but ignored it with the ignorant invincibility of youth.
Lo and behold, as I walked by, eyes front, almost hiding my hand, I hear a screeching "how dare you!" And turn towards it only to be met with a blast of paint.
I sat in shock for a moment before that hot cauldron of seething fury boiled in my gut. I just let out a, "WHAT THE FUCK YOU FUCKING INSANE.. FUCK!" I couldn't even really articulate all my vitriol.
She was one of those with eyes I was talking about, a little too wide eyed, be it crazy, zealotry, or drugs, she had em.
She went off about how I took the time to talk and then paraded murdered animals in front of them. I was seriously considering laying her out, but unsure whether I'd get charged or arrested. Had no idea what paint on ya warranted. So I stand there red faced (Lol) speaking exclusively in curses for ainute or two when the cops show. I guess the PETA ppl showed up early before a cop or two was supposed to be present for their public demonstration. Sneaky bastards. Anyway, I try to be calm to the cops but, half my sentences ended up as yelling towards the crazy lady.
Friend verified my story, she's arrested, and I'm sitting there ruminating still even as shes put away, cause she's acting like its a badge of honor. So I just yell, "FUCK all of you! I'm going to get another burger!"'
At least my friend laughed.
Jaybo21: animals seem to have no problem eating humans. Fuck peta
lnfinity: There are a handful of animals that would eat humans, none of which are ones that are commonly eaten.
Regardless of whether or not this was the case, you would have to be an idiot to turn to other animals for justification of your ethics.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403545520 | 1403546456 | t3_28w1k1 | t5_2to41 | 1 | [deleted]: TIFU by smoking a cigar laced with crack
This happened a few months. I had boughten some Cuban cigars which are illegal in my country. Later that night i had gone over to a friends house and we decided to go into the hot tub and smoke these expensive cigars. We each had one cigar and honestly it tasted like actual ass. I started getting cold so I decided to get out of the hot tub and right as i stood up everything went black and I heard a really loud ringing noise. It was the scariest experience I ever had everything was pitch black and I couldn't hear anything. I had my friend walk me to his bed and I was so scared that I passed out luckily my friend got me on his bed and the next morning I woke up with the biggest headache.
mythrowawayresponse: 1. smoking
2. cigars
3. crack
... yeah doing any of those things is not good - but doing them all at once is just asking for it.
genghis_buddha: Incorrect. All 3 things are awesome, and you shouldn't judge people based on their preferred flavours.
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1403544999 | 1403555660 | t3_28w0m9 | t5_2to41 | 12 | omninode: TIFU by making $100 disappear
This was a few years ago. I was starting at a new university. A couple of days before the start of classes, I went down to the bookstore to get my required textbooks. It was a madhouse, full of freshmen trying to get their ID cards, books stacked in the aisles, and hundreds of people lined up to checkout. I didn't want to be there any longer than necessary.
So I finally get through the checkout and notice there's an ATM by the door. I didn't have any cash on me so, figuring I could use a little walking around money, I decide to withdraw $100. I put in my card, pin, etc. and request the money. Then I notice there is no place for the cash to come out. I mean I looked all over this machine and couldn't find a money slot anywhere. So I'm thinking either this is the worst designed ATM in history, or it doesn't actually do withdrawals. So I figure the transaction didn't go through and I walk out of the bookstore.
Days later, I checked my account balance online and, sure enough, there is a $100 withdrawal on the list. Some lucky bastard got a handful of free money, and I felt like the dumbest dummy alive.
Jmk1981: Wait, I don't understand. Do you mean that you just couldn't find where the money came out- so someone else picked it up after you left?
omninode: At the time I couldn't find where the money came out so I assumed none came out. Later, the withdrawal was on my account history. So I assume the money came out somewhere and a lucky person found it eventually.
Kleeberg: Have you gone back to said ATM to find out where the money actually does come out?
omninode: No. Too embarrassed, and I never wanted to see that machine again.
| 5 | 2.4 | |
1403546990 | 1403550572 | t3_28w47q | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by making out with my crushes gay friend
.
mythrowawayresponse: > I thought women would react to 2 men kissing the same way guys react to 2 women kissing.
**Turns out the world doesn't work that way...**
HopelessSemantic: It does for pretty much every woman I know...
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403540954 | 1403558453 | t3_28vtib | t5_2to41 | 40 | The_Ace_of_Jokers: TIFU by allowing the bus to steal my bike
Let me start by saying that I actually have a fair bit of experience with both riding my bicycle, and taking the bus to various parts of town. The thing is, I generally only bike within a certain distance, because if I want to go anywhere beyond that I will take the bus, and transfer if I have to. In other words I either take the bus OR I take my bike.
Yesterday though, I decided to try doing both at once, because there was no easy transfer to my destination. It seemed like a pretty good idea, the only problem was it was the first Sunday of summer, and the buses were really busy. So after waiting about 15 minutes for a bus to arrive, a big stretch-bus shows up, and I prepare to board it. I should probably mention that they had a big street festival going on at the time, and there was a steady flow of people boarding the bus. Which is probably why the driver didn't notice me strap my bike to the front of the bus.
After I had attached my bike, I went to the front doors of the bus to get on, but I was stuck behind a few people and a wheelchair. At this point (I was partially preoccupied with getting my fare out of my backpack), the driver must have decided that the bus was full. The doors closed, and the bus began pulling away as I glanced upward from my bag in a sort of fascinated horror.
I considered jumping towards the front of the bus while it was still going slowly enough, but decided it was too dangerous, and I had already lost the moment of opportunity.
So, of course, I did the first thing that popped into my head: I ran. I actually almost caught up after two blocks, because the bus hit a red light, and had to stop for an ambulance to pass. But it got away, and I chased for five more before giving in to the sheer improbability of me becoming the next 50 mph man (Cyanide and Happiness).
Standing rather conveniently at the next stretch-bus stop, I decided to wait for the next bus ( though I considered hopping in cab and yelling "follow that bus!"). And, in a show of immense bravery in spite of my overwhelming exhaustion, meekly asked the driver where I could pick up my bike.
Anyway, I ended up having to ride the bus to the very end of the line where all the buses are parked in a sort of merry-go-round fashion, and find my bike amidst a throng of parked behemoths. And yup, it was still strapped to the front.
I still managed to get to the cafe before the world cup match reached half-time though.
TL;DR The bus took off with my bike strapped to the front, and despite a heroic race of epic proportions, I had to ride to the end of the line to get it.
strati-pie: TL;DR: Your bike was still there, this is a happy thing.
At least it was still there. Once a kind samaritan stole my bike off the front of the bus before I got to my stop. I was pushed to the back of the bus and lost sight of my second half. His logic? "You weren't the one that put it on the front, it was the fat kid." 1) You were watching the racks and noted who owned the bike. 2) You took the bike instead of notifying the driver. Where the hell could you have taken it?
I couldn't lift my bike because my arms were shot. I could barely hold my coffee. That's why I'm riding a freaking bus. It took 30 minutes before we got back to the stop my friend got off at. I assumed he took it off for me by mistake. (He's not the brightest at times) Turns out the thief was waiting for his bus AT THE TERMINAL WITH MY BIKE. The amount of time it took me to convince him that I was indeed the owner.. that was a weird conversation.
It still ended up being stolen half a year later. My own fault. I set it against a hill next to a fucking bridge to get some shots of the setting sun. That would have been fine if I hadn't been present on the bridge when a couple kids decided to throw rocks off of it... driver of bashed windshield called the cops. It got stolen while I was giving my statement to police. My bike got stolen because I stuck my neck out and tried to play good simaritan. 3 guys walked by and one just hopped on and rode off. (according to witnesses)
I just sunk my savings into it to reinforce the wheels and new tires. It was almost a brand new bike, just the original shitty frame. I haven't been able to afford a new one since. 2 years now.
Edit: a word
Hussard: > Samaritan.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1403535002 | 1403558167 | t3_28vj7i | t5_2to41 | 23 | hbergalicious: TIFU by taking Gas-X before traffic court.
I work at a small movie theater in the mall and when I went on break last night, the entire mall was shut down, except for the theater. So I resolved to buy food to eat there. I went searching the menu for whatever had the most nutritional value and settled on a hot dog. But I needed something sweet to accompany it, so I took someone's suggestion and also purchased a package of Wonka's Kazoozles (Essentially Twizzlers filled with bile). I went into the break room to chow down and kept going with work. Eventually I went home to get some sleep before court in the morning.
At about 4:00 am, I woke up with the most intense stomach pain I could imagine. Apparently the mixture of a hot dog and a pack of Kazoozles is equivalent to eating a rock. I got up at 4:00 and frantically tried all that I could to make myself feel better. I laid on my stomach, I tried to eat a little bit of a cracker, I even took a disgusting antacid, but it wasn't until about 30 minutes before my appointed court time that I decided what would cure my illness.
Maybe it was due to lack of sleep or just absentmindedness, but I took some Gas X that we had in our medicine cabinet and I expected it to work right away. Relieving me of all sickness before I'd have to attend court, but nothing happened until I walked through the doors and took my seat.
My body was then turned into some sort of gas machine and I was forced to hide burps and make the effort to hide the farts. The court room smelled like a butthole, but no one mentioned anything and I wasn't accused of being the perpetrator!
I just thank God I didn't decide to take a laxative.
thenarddog13: Isn't gas-x supposed to *stop* gas?
b_acon: No, it basically reduces the surface tension of the gas bubbles so that they come out easier.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1403545972 | 1403556660 | t3_28w2ck | t5_2to41 | 9 | minecraftstan: TIFU by zoning out while driving...
I had to mail a letter today, so I got in my car and started driving to the post office. The weather is beautiful today. The sun is shinning and the sky is clear. I had my windows down and my music on, and I was just enjoying the nice refreshing breeze; what could go wrong...
I go to the post office and dropped off my letter. That's when I made the mistake. All that was left was to drive back home. I finished my errand and my mind was clear. I started the short drive. The windows were down, my sunglasses were on, and a good song was playing on the stereo. I was thinking about how I was going to spend the rest of my afternoon just relaxing. I never saw them coming...
I was approaching the one and only stoplight between my house and the post office. I've driven this route thousands of times, to the point it has become muscle memory. I could see ahead that the light had just turned green - one less thing to think about. With a clear mind and the wind in my hair, I started to do one of the worst things you can do when you're driving. Without evening noticing it, I began to zone out. My thoughts trailed off and my mind became focused on how I'd spend the evening relaxing.
With all these factors in place, I didn't see them until it was too late. Up ahead, waiting to cross the street at the stoplight, was a mother and her son (probably around 6 or 7 years old). They weren't doing anything wrong, they were just waiting innocently for the light to change. And it did. Just before I arrived at the stoplight it turned yellow, then quickly to red, and the 4 crosswalk signs lit up. That's when the unsuspecting family began to cross, and when it all happened...
I caught the light change and came to a proper stop. But I was still zoned out, still unaware of the family. My windows down, my stereo on. The song that was playing came to an end and promptly changed to the next one in queue: [this little gem right here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvyl82t9IuY) I was so zoned out I didn't even realize what had just happened. It wasn't until the mother turned her head and shot me the most terrorizing look of shock, disgust and anger that I'd ever received, while her hands instinctively clasped around her young child's ears. But it was too late. He had heard the words blaring from my car before his mother could protect his innocence. I changed the song once I was aware of what had happened, but I can only imagine that he spent the rest of his afternoon repeating what he had heard. I had poisoned this young boy's mind. Thankfully the light changed as soon as they had crossed and I sped away as fast as I could.
**tl;dr** accidentally taught a child about anal beastiality
trireme32: For those of us who cannot click on the link, due to being at work - what song???
dogpupkus: Blink 182 - I Wanna Fuck A Dog In The Ass
| 3 | 3 | |
1403548582 | 1403661259 | t3_28w762 | t5_2to41 | 31 | justplainsour: TIFU by being a disgusting hornball
This actually happened TODAY. A short time ago actually. I am only now able to get back on my phone as the fear has slightly subsided.
I am a disgusting man. I know this. I can't stop thinking about sex. It consumes me. Even worse is that this tremendous site has /r/gonewild available at the tip of my fingers whenever and wherever I want it. It's a gift and a curse.
So today I take a short break at my desk in a very small office filled only with women, 12 to be exact, I'm the only guy, to look at a few of the ladies on GW when I click on a link and it's a video. I like videos! And usually these videos don't have sound but I wasn't really thinking of that anyway. I was just clicking away, ya know?
Sure enough, the video opens and I don't have a millisecond of time to prepare before the female who is riding a cock is moaning with pleasure and my volume is not only ON but CRANKED.
Kill.Me.Now. The entire office came to a deafening silence and the woman who sits next to me gave me a look like a nun who just witnessed me curse off The Mother Mary herself. 3 full, unmistakable moans before I could, in a frenzied panic, shut the fucking thing down. If I had a glass of water the phone would have went in.
The office has been eerily quiet all day since.
TL;DR: TIFU by watching homemade porn surrounded by unknowing women who were then subjected to moans of pleasure from the video because I'm an idiot.
NintendoDestroyer89: Well, since no one has asked, where is this video from GW you refer to?
justplainsour: http://porn.im.457aed9e.8277656.x.xvideos.com/videos/3gp/9/e/c/xvideos.com_9ecfdcfe650a15bce37b3168a41bd05b.mp4?e=1403580725&ri=1024&rs=85&h=3828c451d0f91e3b2336dd7d741d0d59
TeenageRampage: I almost did the same thing, but I was able to change my volume fast enough XD
justplainsour: I went for volume, power, main button...I was in PANIC MODE!!!
TeenageRampage: I have been in similar situations, and none of it works, and I have no idea why. It's like they make the phones specifically to lock up whenever browsing porn
justplainsour: Couldn't agree more.
| 7 | 4.428571 | |
1403549064 | 1403556310 | t3_28w81e | t5_2to41 | 14 | DabneyEatsIt: TIFU by taking risque pictures of a friend of a friend home from work.
Not today but years ago when I worked in a 1 hour photo lab. One of the things that set our photo lab apart from others in our market was that we manually printed your pictures. Computer analysis was for wimps who didn't understand color theory and correction. Anyway, this resulted in waste prints that were not perfectly corrected. Our boss was a stickler for waste prints above a certain percentage of good prints. I had a bad day (proly hung over as usual) and had a large amount of waste generated that morning. Instead of facing the wrath of my boss, I put those bad color prints in my lab coat pocket and took them home with me at the end of my shift. That evening, I threw the prints away in the kitchen garbage of the apartment I shared with three other guys. I made no attempt to destroy them and just let them drop. Turns out one of the pictures was an indoor shot of a cute little thing in a white bikini and would almost ruin my life.
Later that night, a friend came over and was hanging out. When we went to throw something away, he notices the pictures in the garbage and started going through them. The one of the girl in the bikini happened to be a friend of his who had just gone on her honeymoon and this picture was probably from that trip. He ogled the image for a few minutes (she was very cute) then threw it away.
Fast forward a few weeks. That same "friend" and I had a falling out over some things that had gone missing from our apartment. We both said some choice things that young tough guys tend to say when arguing and didn't speak again for a while. Turns out while we were not speaking, he had "run into" this newlywed woman while getting gas one day. To get back at me for expelling him from our social circle, he decided to tell her that I had pictures of her and was masturbating to them daily. You can imagine how off the deep end she and her husband went, and rightfully so.
That evening, two police officers show up at my door. They come in and discuss the complaints against me. I show them all around my room, open every drawer, and assure them that I do not have said images. I inform them of the issue with the aforementioned "friend" and they leave reasonably assured that I do not have the images. But it's not over.
I realize what's about to happen. My boss is going to hear about this. If she involved the police, she will involve my boss. I quickly called him and told him the whole sordid story. To my surprise, he did not freak out. He knows I was a good kid (I was, mostly) and believed my story about the issue.
Two days later, my boss arranges a face-to-face meeting with said newlyweds. I sweated for days waiting for that meeting. I had to face people that were convinced that I had been spanking it to their pictures. I steeled myself and sat across the table from them and calmly but with a significant amount of stammering explained to the the whole sordid story. They calmly listened, said "Well, thanks for your side of the story." and left. My boss was convinced that they were just going to be after money and he was fully insured and not worried about it.
I worked for him for another couple of years after that. Nothing ever came of the issue. I don't know if the couple decided to believe my story or thought they couldn't win a court case but they dropped the whole thing. I know I was very lucky and it could have derailed my life in a significant way.
not_horatiocaine: Looks like someone was in the wrong place at the wrong time and got.......(sunglasses on)........ exposed.
DabneyEatsIt: Well, a little more than that. I took them home to avoid trouble and got even more trouble.
not_horatiocaine: Looks like someone was in the wrong place at the wrong time, then tried to cover it up and got.......(sunglasses on).......... exposed.
Funkajunk: *YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH*
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1403548271 | 1403565904 | t3_28w6lh | t5_2to41 | 20 | i_like_leafs: TIFU by looking for a vibrating object in my room
So I just spend the entire afternoon getting chinese water tortured by a vibration in my room.
It felt like there was a defect water pump or something in my walls and it was kind of pulsating on and off, sometimes stopping for 5 minutes, than pulsing with pauses of up to 30 seconds in between.
After extensive searching and listening, I was ready to knock on my neighbours door, complaining, but made one last round in my room trying to locate that "thing".
Turns out that my vibrator was the culprit. This contraption appearently got some water in it after I washed it after my last session which resulted in some weird short circuits and periodic (with pauses) vibrating that resonated through my entire room.
**tl;dr:** vibration came from short-circuit of my vibrator, nearly confronted my unsuspecting neighbours about it.
sxtaco: Hang on a minute. You drove yourself nuts looking for a vibrating object *in your room* and didn't think to start by checking your vibrator?
steezyvape: That would of been my first choice too. Assuming I had a vibrator.
I cite article A; A dildo, never YOUR dildo.
sxtaco: Excellent reference, have an upvote!
steezyvape: lol, favorite movie of all time. I'm glad someone caught that.
| 5 | 4 | |
1403546415 | 1403570780 | t3_28w358 | t5_2to41 | 501 | basesmerloted: TIFU by forgeting that my phones bluetooth was hooked up to friends stereo
I was over at a friends family bbq, and they needed some tunes in the backyard. I volunteered to hook up my phone to thier bluetooth speaker system, so we can listen to pandora.
After being there for a little while, i went into the house to use the bathroom. I completely forgot that it was hooked up to the bluetooth. While in the restroom, a buddy of mine sends me a porno video link. I proceed to play it, but hmmm theres no sound. Again, i completely forgot that my bluetooth was hooked up. I watched it for a solid couple minutes... and there was some pretty hardcore action going on.
So, i finish up in the bathroom and proceed to go back outside. The look of horror on everyones face. Parents with thiet young children, elderly couples, a mix of all type of ppl at this family bbq. I had no clue what was going on, until my friend comes up to me and says "ummm next time you wanna go inside to jerk off, make sure your bluetooth is off.
Boy was i red in the face. Most embarassed i have ever been in my life. I was stunned. Did not know what to say or do... so i just excused myself from the party and just bolted.
Lordica: You should have gone over and asked his mom to dance.
MrAvery: We can dance if we want to, we can leave our friends behind!
Lordica: Or we can take our friends from behind!
The_Ferret_Inspector: Soiled it.
chaoticdefault54: SOILED IT. SOILED IT. SOILED IT.
| 6 | 83.5 | |
1403546537 | 1403707060 | t3_28w3e0 | t5_2to41 | 368 | [deleted]: TIFU by jumping on my parents new bed
Well this actually happened a couple of years ago but I thought I would share it anyway.
My parents got a brand new bed with a really springy mattress. One day when they had left the house I decided to go and see how comfy the mattress was. This eventually led to me jumping up and down on it like a 4 year old on a trampoline (I was around 16 years old at the time). I decided to do that thing were you jump high as you can then land on your back with your legs in the air (like I used to do on proper trampolines). But what happened was the bed did not have as much 'give' as a trampoline would have, and this made my legs come shooting down towards my face. I ended up kneeing my nose so hard that it not only broke but I also passed out. I woke up around 3 hours later with all the bed sheets covering me and had been tucked in. My parents had come home, found me on the bed 'asleep' and tucked me in thinking I was adorably sleeping on their new bed.
I later had to have minor surgery to straighten my nose back.
The bed was really great though.
EDIT- My nose just doesn't really bleed. I have broken since playing footy and it didn't bleed that time either. Also with the passing out thing, maybe it didnt knock me out then but it definitely made me just fall asleep straight away. Maybe a hard knock to the nose makes you really drowsy. I just remember waking up and mum calling me "sleepy head" but I told her I think I knocked my self out.
captainpoppy: I call bullshit.
No way your nose was crooked and there wasn't blood.
corpse_beast: Yeah seriously, the bridge of my nose got shifted (didn't break or fracture) and it bled like a MOTHERFUCKER. There was blood all over the snow.
TarynBunny: I broke my nose at 11 by doing the exact same thing almost. Smashed my knee into my face in a bouncy castle. Didn't bleed at all and I completely crushed it on one side and also required surgery to fix it.
corpse_beast: Holy fuck.. maybe it crushed into your nasal cavities and prevented blood from seeping out? Haha joking but thats crazy
TarynBunny: Might have! I also didn't bruise at all after the break or the surgery. Maybe I just don't have any blood.
13zath13: And maybe you also sparkle in the sun
HAce203: Time to get a stake...
| 8 | 46 | |
1403551363 | 1403565303 | t3_28wcbi | t5_2to41 | 318 | BHButcher: TIFU by masturbating. NSFW
I fucked up.
Not today, but a couple nights ago, I was up late and had just finished watching the last World Cup match of the day. It was near 3AM and I was wide awake so I thought "Why not watch some porn?" So I get to it.
I'm sure you all know that watching porn consists of over half an hour of simply trying to find a good video. This particular night offered no exception. I felt even more frustrated than usual as I wanted to get on with it and go to sleep so after skimming through one too many videos, I decided to quit and simply masturbate using my imagination for fear of losing my semi. I mean, I don't want to have to start all over again.
So I head to the bathroom where I wank off 90% of the time. I always put the toilet lid down and sit on it and stroke away. Nothing had ever gone wrong before that night and I still cannot believe how unlucky I was. Once I put the lid down, I went to plop my ass on the seat. As I already said, I was kind of frustrated so I wanted it to be a quicky which led to me being slightly hasty. As I quickly sat down, my ballsack swung underneath me and got caught between the toilet lid and the toilet itself and the entire weight of my body came crashing down onto it. I cannot explain the sharp pain that shot straight through my crotch like hot fire. The gap between the lid and toilet is not large enough for my balls to get trapped in of course so it was only my ballsack. I fell to the floor clutching my ego and quickly checked the damage. My ballsack was bleeding but thankfully the damage wasn't too extensive.
The night wasn't a total disaster I guess. I was still determined to wank off and so I did...with a bleeding scrotum. Not my proudest moment but definitely made my top 10 list.
TL;DR: Masturbated with a bleeding ballsack
steezyvape: If you could still beat it, then it wasn't that bad.
rburp: I once had a brutal staph infection on my shaft. It got to the size of a marble, if not a little bigger. I was an idiot teenager so I didn't realize it was a problem that required a doctor. It got to the point where pus would just leak out from time to time, and it was highly painful to the touch. It was this infection that made me make the switch from boxer briefs to boxers.
I still managed to jerk off. It was fucking agony with every stroke. I was basically forced to just use 2 fingers and stroke the head. I fought through the pain though.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: people will get off in some pretty agonizing circumstances.
[deleted]: Marbled...for her pleasure.
rburp: Yup. Rosey palm was worn OUT after we went at it all night.
| 5 | 63.6 | |
1403551640 | 1403552933 | t3_28wctr | t5_2to41 | 48 | [deleted]: TIFU and shared a rude NSFW picture on a university website, seen by all my professional contacts/friends.
So I'm in a group on campus for my major, but the group is open to every major.My major just happens to be really intertwined with the group and most of our graduates are involved with it sometime during their 4 years. It's a leadership group called AIESEC that is not specific to my campus, but my campus has a "chapter".
My campus's (sp?) chapter recently held a photo contest where the rules were basically: a) the photo had to be on campus and b) you had to be doing something productive. In short, they wanted stock photos of young people doing stuff, and were offering a gift card to whoever won the contest.
Perfect! I already had a facebook photo of me helping build a flower bed on campus. Kinda cheesy but it was something I had to do with the group.
So I upload the photo to the contest, and go back to reddit. 1.5 days passed until today I get the text from a friend in the group:
"Wtf UncleStanvish, why did you put that picture up?"
I recalled that I never double checked my submission, and I submitted like 10 minutes after waking up. I nervously went to the page thinking I had put up nude photos or porn or something on accident.. What I found really wasn't much better.
[The photo I entered](http://i.imgur.com/GuS7qB6.jpg).
Might I remind you that not only every AIESEC member could see it, but like 75% of the faculty in my major are AIESEC members. I'm hoping they didn't see it because I think they would have taken it down, but like 10 other people submitted photos after mine...
free_economy: sauce?
[deleted]: http://i.imgur.com/SYNibf6.png
| 3 | 16 | |
1403539948 | 1403558012 | t3_28vrsn | t5_2to41 | 10 | Tw0aCeS: TIFU Destorying a Laptop first thing this morning
I am an I.T. consultant at a small company, had a user come up to me saying that her laptop isn't turning on. So I go to her cube and check her docking station. The eject button is normally lit up when the laptop is connected to it correctly and it wasn't. So I pull the laptop off and power cycle the docking station. Put the laptop back on and it still isn't displaying anything and the eject button is not lit up. Something must be wrong with the docking station because the laptop powers on. I Replace the docking station and it still doesn't work. I'm thinking to myself wtf is going on... So it must be the laptop, it must not be making a connection fully. I turn the laptop over and sure enough there is lint in the docking station port. I blow on it and nothing. I grab a paper clip.... bad mistake. I put the paper clip in and force the lint out and SPARK... "Oh fuck" Turn it over and the laptop is dead. It will not power back on. Thankfully all of the information was retrievable on the HDD, and we have an extra laptop. The motherboard is fried though. Great start to my Monday morning.
TL;DR: Used Paper clip to make shiny sparks fly out of a laptop docking station port cleaning lint out of it.
Flashigt: It is at these times you really feel like your brain was hiding the basic
knowledge needed to not fck up until after said fck up.
Tw0aCeS: Yea it was pretty early.. I just think my brain wasn't all there this morning haha.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403551416 | 1403571750 | t3_28wcez | t5_2to41 | 7 | jewish69er: TIFU by dropping my phone in the toilet
So, today I woke up, and went to go brush my teeth, innocent enough, right? WRONG!!! Well when I went inthe bathroom I set my phone on the countertop. When I went to go reach for the toothpaste, i bumped my phone and it fell in the toilet. I reached in to save my phone, i pulled it out and filled a bag of rice and threw my pone in there to soak up the water. I left the phone in the rice overnight, and in the morning I took out my phone and immediately sat down and made sure it still worked. While i was doing this my older brother woke up and made some breakfast rice, with the bag I used to dry my phone with. I dont know if he tasted anything different, I dont even know if there was any human waste in the bag, but it disgusts me.
Tahmer: I had an unfortunate incident with phones and toilets myself. One day, I was taking a #2 at work and browsing facebook to help pass the time. I was also listening to music with earbuds in from the phone. well something happened and I lost grip on the phone, and in an attempt to save it I managed to get it to slide past the gap between my legs and into the toilet. I panicked as I didn't want this $280 phone to be a paperweight so I immediately dove in with my hands, and flew past all my corn ridden shit in attempt to save it with it getting as least wet as possible. It did not occur to me at the time that I could have easily just fished it out with the headphone cord and not had to wade in my own shit, so that sucked. Also as it sunk down into the brown soup of defecation, I could hear my phone slowly dying in the form of distorted music that comically slowed down to a halt.
After all was said and done, and not having used the rice method, the phone still turns on, and lets me browse it, but I think I fucked up the antenna in it as it will no longer get service.
**TL;DR** I dropped my phone in my own shitty toilet, and fished it out barehanded.
jewish69er: What phone was it?
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403556058 | 1403678775 | t3_28wktp | t5_2to41 | 454 | throwaway1234566666: TIFU in an amusement park
So today I was in an amusement park with some friends. I had diarrhea the past week, but everything seemed okay now, so I decided I could just go. We decided to go in the biggest rollercoaster, so we got in line, which was so fucking long, like 1,5 hours, and when we got in the fucking rollercoaster it got stuck. So here we were, sitting in this rollercoaster, in an ~40 degree angle, which wasn't really that bad, because the sun was shining and we were just chilling in the sun, getting quite comfortable. There were two really annoying, stupid girls behind us, who were complaining the whole fucking time, yelling things like ''hurry up'' (like that's gonna help -.-) and then this one girl yelled ''I want a reward for waiting so long!'' WTF. A REWARD? Are you fucking kidding me? So we were laughing really hard, but they didn't understand why, and that made it even funnier. Well, after like a minute of laughing we just couldn't stop. I had been eating junk food all day, and I felt a fart coming up, but just couldn't control it, so I decided to just let it go (forgot about the diarrhea issues from last week, I know, I'm a retard :/). Well, that didn't turn out well. It was like a fucking fire hose. I just couldn't stop shitting. Everyone around me started smelling it, but they had no idea what it was. It started dripping out of the cart, and then I heard someone who was still waiting in line: ''OH MY GOD IS THAT SHIT?!?'' Right at that moment we started moving again. I'm scared as fuck people will find out that it was me. While I'm thinking how hard I fucked up, I notice we're going up slowly, and we've almost reached the top... FUCK... So as we're going down the shit that was left in the seat flew out of the cart, righ on the girls behind us. (I didn't really mind it hit them, that was actually pretty funny :')). So now I'm completely covered in shit, so as soon as we got to the end I jumped out and just ran away. Everyone in line saw it and they were all laughing. I was so ashamed. Luckily I came across this fountain, so I just jumped in and cleaned of all the shit. A bunch of people took pictures, so if you see some guy covered in shit in an amusement park, that's me :/ After that I just got the fuck out of the park and now I'm sitting here in the bus typing this. I don't think I can ever talk to my friend again...
TL;DR Shit myself in rollercoaster, shit flew on some other people in the rollercoster while we were going down really fast.
Sorry if I made some mistakes, English is not my native language and I'm typing this on my phone (which luckily survived the water damage).
Edit: Some spelling mistakes
Edit 2: Just saw that the douchebag of our group uploaded a picture on Facebook and tagged me. FUCK MY LIFE.
Edit 3: I reported the picture on Facebook and they (or the guy that posted it, not sure) took it down. I don't have the picture anymore, and I hope it's not somehwere else on the internet.
momerg: I say OWN that picture & event. Make it yours, if you take away the fire, nobody can burn you.
0118999_881999119725: Hell yeah, steer into the skid man.
waffleman69: You mean...the skid **mark**[?](https://www.facebook.com/toxipyro)
topd0g: Fuck it, I'll log in just to give you an upvote.
waffleman69: Why thank you :)
| 6 | 75.666667 | |
1403556570 | 1403643864 | t3_28wls7 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting it rip...
It was back when we were all in that huge beyblade craze. I don't know if it was like this for everyone, but where I grew up you could get phony beyblades and phony add ons to your toys for dirt cheap. I had SO MANY different parts and beyblades that I had managed to create a this customized monster of a thing that crushed every other beyblade I battled with. It literally had sharp metal spikes on the outside. Super illegal. Super fun.
This one day I was just hanging around my living room with my mom. She was watching TV and I was practicing "letting it rip". I was going at it as hard as I could and watching the monstruousity smash against the floor. I was proud of my self because I was doing really good and getting good spins. Then I decided to realllyyyy go as hard as I could, letting out a savage grunt as I pulled on that plastic ring... The beyblade spun like the tasmanian devil on its way to the ground. It impacted SO HARD that the center metal ring (the part that gives the toy its weight) broke right in half. One half smashed the clock into pieces and the other hit my mom in the neck. She inmediately started gasping for air and grabbing her neck in panic....
Was she hospitalized? Yes.
Was she okay? Yeah, it was quickly fixed.
Did I feel like the worst son in the world? Yes.
Did I stop playing wth beyblades? Hell no. Just got my parents to buy me real (not phony) toys instead.
food_is_food: Note to self: Hurl dagger at parent's throat. It may or may not ensure expensive toy gifts.
note-to-self-bot: Don't forget:
Hurl dagger at parent's throat. It may or may not ensure expensive toy gifts.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403557425 | 1403596236 | t3_28wndm | t5_2to41 | 2 | Girdon_Freeman: TIFU multiple times in the span of two days
So, yesterday, I was enjoying the beach, and had thought I applied sunscreen. The sun, however, thought I hadn't, and the damn sun was right. So, thanks to the UV burns I got, my legs and back of my neck burned like hell.
That afternoon, I was watching an LP of the new Wolfenstien with my headphones on, and a sorta-graphic sex scene came on. With my grandmother on the phone behind me. Luckily, I managed to get it off before she saw anything.
Plus, today, when I was submitting this post, I didn't tag it right.
So, really, Today I Nearly-Triple Fucked Up
Teotwawki69: >Luckily, I managed to get it off before she saw anything.
Finding out you were wrong about this will complete the trifecta. (In either sense of the phrase "get it off.")
Girdon_Freeman: Well, considering I was in a hotel room with 4 other family members (grandma included), I'm pretty confident in saying that whacking off was the farthest thing from my mind at that moment.
Teotwawki69: LOL. You say that now. Admit it... back then, it was the only thing on your mind.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1403557784 | 1403558297 | t3_28wo0f | t5_2to41 | 10 | Rap3DBac0N: TIFU by sharting(?) in the sauna...
Couple of things to say before we dive right into this horrific scene:
1) Started a new diet, eating healthier and such... Had an "off day" Sunday and decided to eat a pizza.
2) Due to said pizza, my stomach is not feeling real well...
3) This was at my place of work, my office gym.
I get through working out today and decide to hit the sauna for a few minutes. I normally try and use the bathroom prior to working out, because I don't want to stop and be interrupted by the urge to pee/poop (yeah, I said poop... what?). So there I am, sweating my ass off in the sauna by myself and my lower gut starts rumbling like Hulk Hogan and Zeus in WrestleMania 6. I don't think much about it, as I'm used to my stomach "growling" at me after a good workout. A few minutes in to this sweltering journey, I decide to let go of a little pressure and stink up the place. It was terrible... But I've lived through worse of my own smells. On the other hand, it felt great! I just thought to myself, "When I get out of here, I'm going to tear that toilet up son!!" Well.. apparently my bowels had a different agenda than what I had previously entertained. I feel that oh-so-familiar rumble again... butt wait, something is different. Something is wrong. Sweet Jesus, what is that...burning.
I get up to take off to the restroom.
As soon as I feel the jolt from my foot hitting the floor, my gut loses control of itself and my ass cannot deal with the onslaught of shit caused by the greasy, cheese topped, calorie filled pizza that I had the night before.
My pants, now filled with this sweaty, half-viscous/half-solid, wretched fecal matter... I slowly head through the workout room/gym and into the locker room. Luckily, I was the only one in there and nobody came in while I was trying to 'clean up'.
I've learned a valuable lesson today: Always, even if you have the slightest feeling, use the restroom before working out...
TL;DR: Felt bad, worked out, went into sauna...shit myself.
mythrowawayresponse: > My pants, now filled with this sweaty, half-viscous/half-solid, wretched fecal matter...
... and I'm out.
Rap3DBac0N: Yeah. It was as bad as you think... Probably the most terrifying/horrible experience in my life, to date.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1403558048 | 1403640798 | t3_28woh4 | t5_2to41 | 314 | ambiveillant: TIFU by dropping my Ph.D. qualifying exam in the urinal.
(*"Today" here meaning "Over Twenty Years Ago," but Reddit wasn't around then. The web was barely around then. And get off my lawn.*)
The year: 1991. The place: Barrows Hall, UC Berkeley. The event: Ph.D. qualifying examinations. These were all-day written exams.
I was taking the "Soviet Union and Eastern Europe" exam that year -- the last year it would be given, unsurprisingly. However, it was [also] the first year they allowed test-takers to use laptops to write up the exams. And I had a blazing fast 286/16 DOS laptop!
http://imgur.com/Ag5i4cl
So I took the exam.
I was clever, though. If the hard drive crashed halfway through, I'd be hosed. So I saved my exam answers to a floppy disk. (You kids may not remember those; a flash memory stick would serve equally well in this story.)
And I drank a *lot* of coffee.
Finished with the exam, I wandered off to the computer lab to print it out (I still had to turn in hard copy). But recall: I had been drinking a *lot* of coffee. So I stopped at the men's room first. Did my business. And the urinals in Barrow's Hall had these little metal shelves above them. That's where I had put the floppy disk.
Finished, but didn't flush -- it was a drought in CA at the time, and we were discouraged from doing so. I grabbed the disk off the shelf... ...and instead bumped it. Right into the urinal.
Warning: uric acid and magnetic media do not mix.
Pulled it out, dried it off, and started giggling -- this was surreal beyond my wildest fears. Took it to the computer lab, told the tech what had happened. After he stopped laughing, we tried the disk. Didn't work. Tried fixing it. No luck. The disk was gone. And with it, my exam.
I talked the head of the department, and after *he* stopped laughing, he informed me that I'd just have to take the exam again next semester.
I went to go home, and my then-girlfriend, [Girlfriend], picked me up. I told her. She didn't laugh. She did say, however, "it's too bad you couldn't get the Word Perfect backup file."
!!!!! Backup file?
Yeah, Word Perfect makes a backup file on the hard drive, but deletes it when you quit the program. Aha! Undelete to the rescue!
And there it was! A 95% complete version of the exam!
I ran back to the department to talk to the dept head. He let me have 15 more minutes. I finished it, printed it, and turned it in. I passed.
And I learned two big lessons that day.
1) MARRY THIS WOMAN
and
2) ALWAYS MAKE BACKUPS. ALWAYS. MULTIPLE LOCATIONS. MULTIPLE COPIES. IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE ENOUGH BACKUPS, MAKE ANOTHER ONE.
mq999: I liked that unexpected happy ending. 😊
Now I will go and backup all my files…
DatMac10: Rare reddit emoji
archaicOregano: Why dont people use emoji on reddit?
DatMac10: It's just rare idk
| 5 | 62.8 | |
1403559592 | 1403564043 | t3_28wr9p | t5_2to41 | 5 | poniponiponi2: TIFU by Sending my entire group communications class group a folder filled with My Little Pony porn.
So I screwed up.
I know it's weird, but people like weirder things. Mine just happens to be cartoon ponies from the new friendship is magic show. It's right up there next to pokemon for most common rule 34, so I'm not alone. Unfortunately I'm alone in what I accidentally did though.
My group communication group has a reply chain we use (8 people in mine). Whatever project we are working on at the time is usually files in the chain forwarded to everyone. This is where my trouble begins.
I'm an idiot and tend to have a messy desktop with mp3's, pictures, folders filled with random junk, and a host of other things. In this case, one happened to be a zip folder filled with Twilight Sparkle porn I had downloaded earlier from my good friends over on /r/clopclop.
So my 3am genius self zips up this photoshop project I'm working on for a pamphlet project my group was doing, and grabbed the wrong zip folder without realizing it. Since Gmail takes forever to upload and send things, I just clicked send and let it do it's upload+send to my group of 8 individuals, while I went to brush my teeth for bed.
I didn't realize it until the morning after when I turned on my monitor and opened chrome to a bunch of replies pending. Everything from "Wtf is this" and "someone fucked up lol" were waiting for me.
I haven't bothered to respond, and the next class is on Wednesday. Here's to hoping the "I got a virus!" excuse works!
lwgthrow9: See, I don't believe that this happened. But I like the idea that it *could*.
poniponiponi2: Try doing everything absolutely flawlessly at 3am. I've screwed up more things than I care to admit that early.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403558767 | 1403561222 | t3_28wpt3 | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by changing my profile picture
Sorry for the length. I ramble.
My profile picture on Facebook used to be of my boyfriend and me during a hike. I'm really proud to have him as my boyfriend which is why that was my picture, also because I'm not known for being athletic so I thought it was fun. And we're currently about 3.5 hours apart so it was a nice reminder of him.
Recently, he's been getting angry pretty easily. It's not my fault, according to him, but because I'm there [in a mental sense], he takes it out on me and says things he knows will crush me. In spite of it [because I know he's been under a lot of pressure], we always make up and we still tell each other everything because we still love each other. Stress happens.
Two days ago I jokingly said something over text and it set him off. He sent me a pretty angry text, I responded calmly and apologetically, and he didn't respond. I thought he was deliberately avoiding me. I felt really sad at first but after about 15 minutes, I got really angry. I know his insecurities and how a previous argument made him afraid of losing me, so I changed my profile picture. I knew it would get to him. I wasn't too sure of how concerned/hurt he'd be, but I knew it'd worry him. It was done entirely out of spite.
Not too long later [like mayyybe 10 minutes], I felt like utter crap. But I assumed he had already seen it and was fuming and deliberately ignoring me some more so I didn't change it back
Naturally, about two hours later, we made up and it turned out he was just with his family at the time. He told me he was a little concerned when he saw my picture had changed and since I don't like hiding things from him, I told him I changed it because I knew he would be. I admitted it was senseless and foolish and I really shouldn't have done it. I really, honestly, regretted doing it. He told me that it really hurt that I'd betray his trust like that and I know he's going to be cautious with what he tells me in the future. I 100% understand why and I'm not angry at him in any sense of the word but it still bothers me that I did something so narrow-minded. He trusted me and I completely turned against him.
I should've stayed relaxed and done my "count-to-10" thing but instead I hurt the person I love. I don't regret telling him why because he had the right to know, but I wish I had just turned my phone off until I cooled off.
**TL;DR I intentionally prodded at my boyfriend's insecurities that he trusted telling me and he (rightfully) trusts me less and is upset with me**
edit: To clarify, it's not that I changed my profile picture it's the reason why I changed it. I was intentionally being a raging bitch.
ThoracicPork: You excuse him for saying "things he knows will crush me" -- don't put up with that shit for one minute. If he truly cared about you he would never do that. He walks all over you because he knows he can. You need his permission to change your fucking profile picture?!?! Aren't you tired of this B.S.?
Jrock094: and boom goes the dynamite with this comment. yalls relationship sounds very unhealthly. call it quits yo.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403561467 | 1403572740 | t3_28wueq | t5_2to41 | 7 | bigfatpaul2: TIFU Made eye contact with someone while peeing.
I was alone in my own home around a few hours ago, so I was enjoying peeing with the door open. I had completely forgot that I left my room door open as well (room is right across from my bathroom), and across from the door to my room, I had a window open.
So anyways, just brushing my teeth while I piss, humming "I'm walking on sunshine" very loudly (because who the fuck cares? I was in a great mood), and I just kind of glance sideways and make eye contact with my mailman. It really felt like an eternity, I couldn't put my dick away or even really cover it because I was mid-stream, and brushing my teeth. Fuck, it was awkward.
f_unit: I'm guessing not the eye-contact-while-peeing part that disturbed him (these things happen), it wasn't the song (which is kinda catchy), it was you peeing and brushing your teeth at the same time (*dude*).
bigfatpaul2: Time save!
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1403563952 | 1403568329 | t3_28wyha | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by dominating my manager
No throwaway because I'm alpha as fuck.
firstly a bit about me - I'm a quiet spoken guy, not really someone who shouts or gets angry. Yes, i do have moments of passion and can rage about anything when i want to, but on the whole I'm usually an oasis of calm.
So, it was a early start today for me (M) and my manager (F) travelling all day with meetings. Finished early so we decided to best the traffic and head home. Chatting away meant that the journey was going by quickly, but i started to feel tired so zoned out and started to daydream. This is where i fuck up.
While I'm daydreaming, my manager turns to me and quickly and loudly asks me a question. At this moment in time, my daydreaming was more around thinking about my (quite) recent ex girlfriend and a bit of anger around money she owes me and is trying to get out of paying. Without thinking i shout "You owe me money bitch!" Not just a shout, but a full face of anger that imagine looked like Gerard Butler said in 300 during his "this is spartaa!".
We lock eyes for a split second and then she turns and stares at the road. I try to apologise but i just end up saying a incoherent sentence that sounds a AoE priest. Now I'm shitting myself, thinking i more or less lost my job. 5 minutes pass in silence. And another 5 minutes. And then another.
15 minutes later and she drops me off at my house. I again try to apologise but she just nods and still doesn't make eye contact. I hurry into my house with a walk of shame.
Haven't had a text off her, and have her to face tomorrow at work...
tl;dr - was so alpha as fuck to my manager, could only be beaten by urinating on her.
PS - If you're reading this Emma, **YOU OWE ME MONEY BITCH!**
BatMetheny: That's not domination, that's psychosis. She was probably quiet because she was trying to remember what paperwork to fill out with HR.
Be prepared to be fired tomorrow. I hope for your sake you still live at home, and that you have time to mature before you need a job to pay bills.
Raping_Her_Everyday: Boss was obviously so turned on by OP's alpha-ness, that she had to rush home to pound her panda.
| 3 | 5 | |
1403565489 | 1403756500 | t3_28x0wi | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by walking my sister to school
It started off as a quiet morning. We were all having breakfast together, when my mum remembered that she had to babysit my niece at my sister's place. She asked my older brother to walk my little sister who is in her first year, to school. I quickly volunteered and insisted that it was I who should take her. So she agreed. It was raining pretty heavily but I thought "oh well, it'll pass. It's only the usual Melbourne weather". Oh how I was wrong. I grabbed a beanie and some gloves, got my little sister ready and we were off. The school is only about 350 metres away so I thought I'll make this snappy and come home to play some halo in around 10 minutes. These next 20 minutes turned out to be torturous. As we walked it started hailing down. My little sister was almost in tears so I ended up taking my hoody off and covering her head with it. For almost the whole walk I was wearing only a t-shirt in the pouring rain. The walk back was even worse as the rain had not let up a single bit. When I got home my brother looked at me and and gave a cheesy smirk as he looked over to the umbrella in the corner of the living room.
tl;dr: don't be a hero and insist on walking in the pouring rain. You will receive 0 big brother points
ChokeMeiLikeIt: but now you have an honest to god story about how you walked to school in the rain; Just throw the "uphill both ways" in there to sound good.
pacito2: And increase the walking distance to 10 miles.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403564452 | 1403586024 | t3_28wzal | t5_2to41 | 2 | innuendo129: [NSFW] TIFU by forgetting to zip my fly...
This actually just happened three hours ago, so let me type this out as I recover from the pain...
I was out and about with my girlfriend, and, bless her heart, but she sure can be clumsy sometimes...she always seems to be spilling water and the like when we're at restaurants, and it ALWAYS lands on me, without fail, while she remains completely intact. Now, this is no big deal by any means, so I usually let it slide. But not today...
I have this nasty habit of forgetting to zip up my shorts (I'm used to shorts with no fly, hence this) after taking a leak. So today, I was at a Mexican restaurant with my gf and went to the restroom. I came back, and everything seemed to be going well. That is, until my gf in one sweeping hand motion FLUNG her freshly hot coffee in my direction. That coffee, along with a bowl of hot chili that I was eating, landed straight onto my exposed Johnson. It was then that it hit me that I had forgotten to zip my fly one too many times.
At first, it didn't hit me that a molten combination of hot chili and coffee just landed square on my family jewels. But once it did, I was SCREAMING in pain...the whole restaurant was looking in our direction, as my hand was clutching my THROBBING beef bazooka...luckily, the World Cup was on, and many people dismissed this as my cheering for a team, but my gf saw what was happening, and she laughed really heartily...she, of course, was unscathed by the avalanche of lava that had just hit my beef bazooka...
Well, when I got home, I noticed that my slippery salami is now home to some nasty callous-like burn marks...it hurts to the touch, and I can't wear anything down there without it burning...shit...
TL;DR: Girlfriend spilled coffee and hot chili onto my bare beef bazooka and I made a screaming scene in a restaurant...the salami is now a rash-infested monster.
steezyvape: Wait a minute, if your dick was exposed, how the hell did you not notice? Do you just casually walk around restaurants with your shit hanging out? I mean... no draft, no breeze no temp change?
nhebert1987: Obviously he is Bill Clinton
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403564843 | 1403566444 | t3_28wzwt | t5_2to41 | 3 | beroccaboy: TIFU at work, start of day, unlocking laptop
you know the rest ... I'm not the first and won't be the last. I need the "app" that guarantees, in the least, sound is off and all windows are minimised when I open the lid. Something similar for my phone would be good too - an app that guarantees the first page I see when unlocking my phone on the bus is not the last page I browsed before going to bed.
naekicks: Well, at minimum select "delete browser history on exit."
ChokeMeiLikeIt: Yes this. Or, just don't save your history at all. I haven't found a good reason yet to keep track of my online history.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403566986 | 1403571828 | t3_28x396 | t5_2to41 | 2 | L3G1T1SM3: TIFU on Steam
So I was buying game from the summer sale from steam and i had Contagion open I was waiting for Dishonored to open and I thought I waited long enough (I was on my phone and I put it down) and I click buy. As I finish I check my library of games and I see Contagion.
TL'DR. My impatient ass bought the wrong game.
Jahuteskye: Tell them. Steam support rules and I'd be willing to bet they'll make it right.
L3G1T1SM3: I tried I'm waiting for an answer
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1403567246 | 1403576439 | t3_28x3nc | t5_2to41 | 6 | Thaw-awayz: TIFU by buying chromecast
So I bought a chromecast a few weeks ago for our living room TV. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s a dongle you plug it to your TV that lets you stream mostly videos wirelessly to your TV from almost any device. I honestly recommend the product despite this fuck up. It’s relatively cheap and a good bit of fun. Anyway, at the moment only my mom and I are synced to it, and she is obsessed with it. Every time she is in the kitchen preparing something, she uses her iPad to play music through the home theater in the living room adjoining the kitchen.
Any way today when I was coming from the gym, I was unusually horny. This happens often, so a post-workout wank has become sort of a ritual/reward system. Anyway I walk in and mom is in the kitchen doing her thing, blasting some Don Williams (she was the only one home, so the music was pretty loud). I head to up my room to take care of business, throw on my noise cancelling headphones (Don Williams is kind of a turn off) and find a nice videos from my usual site off my phone. After a few heavenly minutes, I perspire gloriously, turn off my phone and lay back to busk before I hop in the shower.
About half a minute later my mom bursts into my room almost taking my door of the hinges, and from the look on her face I thought we had a burglar in the house. As soon as I take off my headphones, I realize my fuck up. The house was saturated with the moans of Alexis Texas getting fucked in the ass. See what had happened was, I had not actually turned my phone off as I initially thought, I had actually hit the stream icon on my phone that was now streaming my nice video through our sound system in glorious 1080p video and crisp surround sound. My mom was standing there trying to talk to me over the “fuck yeah” and “fuck my tight asshole” to explain that she couldn't control the chromecast from her IPad. No kidding, only the person streaming can do that.
I think it’s about time for me to move out.
TL;DR streamed porn to our living room with mom in the house.
steezyvape: Next time use your computer instead of your phone. Never have to worry again.
Thaw-awayz: phone is more convenient.. only need one hand and can easily hide it if someone walks in on you
steezyvape: Well sure, convenience. But is it more convenient to explain to your mom?
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1403569341 | 1403576397 | t3_28x6wj | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU By subscribing to this subreddit
I am going to make this short and simple.
This subreddit has fallen dramaticly down in terms of quality with sex post becoming the top thing on this subreddit, and a general lacking of the mods seeing the issue and doing something about it. When I first subscribed it was a booming place where you were able to offer real advice and help people. Now it has turned into a soft porn reading session while at the local coffee shop. I once used to really enjoy this subreddit and now it's just a place of pure stupidity. I am tired of the crap that is posted here and I know plenty of others are as well. /r/offmychest is a much better place than this and hopefuly the mods can in a few months fix this subreddit up to the level of greatness it once had.
Sincearly,
Kyle
birchskin: Is the issue that sex stories outweigh poop stories? Because I, too, enjoy a good shit-your-pants tale.
steezyvape: No poop stories allowed anymore. May be one reason why sex is outweighing poo lately.
OP, there are still plenty of non sex related fuckups in TIFU still. But I won't argue there are a lot that are.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403568911 | 1403578637 | t3_28x662 | t5_2to41 | 62 | WetDickFart: TIFU by over estimating how much a rat can pee
Background info: When I was around 5 years old, I had a rat named bob and he lived in one of those little glass aquarium/cages. There is only one bathroom that I could use back then (the other is attached to my parents room). I also had no concept of how much small animals peed.
One day my parents were having a party, and they said they weren't going to force me to mingle with their friends. During the party I was hiding in my room when I realized I really had to pee, but I didn't want to make it known that I was home by going to the bathroom. I ended up holding my pee for far too long and finally made a run for it, but there was someone in there. Whoever was in the bathroom must have been having some problems because they were there for a really long time. Meanwhile my bladder was about to burst, so I ran back into my room frantic, saw the glass aquarium and let loose. Bob immediately sought out shelter on top of his little house while his aquarium filled with over an inch of pee.
After I peed in his cage I panicked, but then realized I had a perfect scapegoat... the rat. I gathered up my courage, ran upstairs and told my mom that Bob had an accident in his cage. She was confused but came down to my room, along with a bunch of her friends. As soon as everyone walked in and saw bob swimming around in an inch of pee I confidently said "I think Bob peed". Everyone was able to come to the conclusion that that I was the one who peed in the aquarium and burst out laughing, I was absolutely mortified at the time.
TL;DR I peed in a rat aquarium, then blamed it on the rat... got caught in my lie by a group of people and was mortified.
Prpkrew: i think someone ratted you out
rtofirefly: bravo.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1403572890 | 1403576633 | t3_28xc5y | t5_2to41 | 40 | lookatthisthrowaway3: TIFU by being a Team Killer.
My first experience with online multiplayer was when Halo 1 was released for PC. I already loved it on Xbox, but now I could connect to the internet and play against 15 other players that I had never met in my life. No split-screen hassles, no fumbling with LAN cables. Just click on a server and get launched into a desparate brawl of rockets and rifles and Warthogs.
My life suddenly had a purpose. The very first thing I did when I got home from 6th grade was sit my ass in my cushy seat and fire up Halo. Sometimes I would re-heat the pot of coffee from the morning and dump blasphemous amounts of sugar and flavored cream. It was the closest thing to alcohol my 12-year-old brain could think of. Those were happy days-- no bills, no homework, no kids. Even Netflix hadn't been invented yet. Just coffee and Halo. I sat right next to a window, and in winter I would look out in between rounds and watch the sun sink into early darkness. This was my favorite time of year-- the cold was an excuse for more coffee, and the early darkness meant no neighbor kids coming over and interrupting my glorious Halo.
Halo 1 on PC meant one thing to me-- Capture the Flag, Blood Gulch, 16 players. I'm sure I must have played other modes on other maps, but I always came back to this one. Death was quick if you tried to trek across the map alone, spraying bullets aimlessly while snipers picked you off and rockets blew you away. You had to pile into a warthog with three others, hit the accelerator and pray to God that your gunner knew what he was doing. If you managed to make it to the enemy base, you smashed into a doorway, hopped out, and made a mad dash for the flag. Hopefully there was no one inside standing guard. If you got your hands on the flag, you had to do it all over again, except now you couldn't fire your weapoon. If you were lucky, your comrades were still alive and able to cover your ass and pick up the flag when the enemy took you down.
I was hooked.
I got reasonably good at CTF. I never joined a clan. I was a lone wolf, jumping into rounds without allegiance or a sense of duty. Not knowing who my teammates were or how skilled they were was part of the appeal.
I'm not sure when I turned to the dark side, or why. Did I have a bad day at school? Did my crush start dating someone other than me? Did my mom make me clean my room? I'll never know the spark that lit the fire, but whatever it was, it caused me to go on a map with friendly fire enabled and shoot a random teammate in the back of the head.
The aftermath was instantaneous. The accusations, the chaos, the banishment. It was supposed to be punitive. Shameful. And yet, I had single-handedly fucked up someone's day. I had taken their happiness and smashed it into oblivion in an instant. It was exhilarating, even more so than zooming across the map in a warthog, dodging rockets and bailing out at the last second when a sticky grenade fizzes on the bumper.
Thus began my dark addiction. I was no longer a good player. I had become... a Team Killer.
At first, I was quick and messy, spawning and immediately spraying bullets like a crackhead at Columbine. It never lasted more than 30 seconds before I would get my ass kicked out. As time went on, I grew to appreciate the art of patience, of building trust and then shattering that trust. Just as a fine cheese or wine grows more robust with age, the satisfaction of the betrayal was sweeter if I crafted a relationship with my comrades, my victims.
I had grown to appreciate the long con.
I would spawn, per usual. Hop in a 'hog and make that familiar, desparate dash to enemy lines that I had made hundreds, perhaps even thousands of times before. I would cover my buddies, shoot the enemy, even grab the flag. I became an asset to my team. Then, I started my devastation, slowly. A stray sticky grenade to the fender of a vehicle full of my comrades-- oh Jesus, I'm so sorry, I meant to hit the guy behind you! A spray of bullets to the face of another player-- damn, I thought you were the enemy! I would be auto-banned after a certain point, of course, but not before striking fear and confusion into the hearts of my victims. Their greatest asset had become their downfall. And I... *revelled* in the pain I inflicted.
I remember my darkest, sweetest triumph like it was yesterday. I joined a round of the usual-- Blood Gulch, CTF, 16/16. I noticed that everyone on my team had symbols in front of their names. Must have been a clan. I quickly logged out, changed my screenname accordingly, and was lucky enough to jump back in. I was about to ruin a victory for an entire clan. They suspected nothing. The game was afoot.
I started like usual, joining in the combat, getting a few kills under my belt, supporting my team. From the team chat, I gathered that this clan had a bit of a winning streak. They did not know that one of their own was going to ruin it all. The stakes were high. I could not fail.
I remember the TK. I was running along the side of the map with a teammate when I took a sniper's round to the head. I respawned inside the base and started to make my way out, when my teammate respawned in front of me. Sniper must have gotten him, too. I lined up my reticle and saw his screenname pop up. It was -=Lucas77=- or something like that, I still mostly remember it after over a decade. That familiar, murderous urge overcame me. I ran up behind him and melee'd him right in the back. In Halo, this was an insta-kill. His lifeless body dropped before me. My reign of terror had begun.
I glanced at the team chat. His name came up with only one word: "why". No question mark. No additional input. Just "why". My victim was contrite, crushed by the sting of betrayal. I acted quickly. "Bro, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a red." A response came only moments later: "ok". He had accepted my explanation. My dark quest for destruction could continue. But, they were on to me. I had drawn attention to myself. Another TK would get me banned for sure. Furthermore, most servers auto-banned after three TKs. I could only make two more kills. They would have to be strategic if I wanted to ruin this round. I would have to wait, like a lion crouching patiently in the tall grass, waiting for a gazelle to foolishly break away from the group.
The battle raged on. It was close-- the enemy had two captures, we had three. Any clan with half a brain would have gone purely defensive at this point, but these guys were probably not much older than I was. The offense continued just as heavily as before. There was a vague semblence of strategy in this tactic-- two fully loaded warthogs would go out simultaneously, leaving two guys behind to watch the flag. It wasn't really a bad strategy. If one got blown away by a rocket, there was still another one that had a chance to snatch the flag.
There were a few cycles of this. Everyone always made a run for the 'hogs, because standing around the flag was generally quite boring, but at one unfortunate point in time, the Warthogs got loaded and drove off without me. Great. Now it was me and some clusterfuck n00b standing here watching the flag. There was still some sort of action-- snipers on the roof, shooting at enemy 'hogs if they came in-- but I would much rather be riding off into the firestorm. However, this little-desired defensive position would allow me to really fuck with my teammates in a subtle way if the enemy snatched the flag. I would just... let them take it. No one would know.
The opportunity arose soon enough. Both our hogs had made it to the enemy base, but only because the enemy was busy arriving at ours. Clusterfuck n00b and I crouched behind the parapets on the roof and opened fire. There wasn't much we could do, as we were outnumbered. The n00b dropped down to the flag in an effort to protect it, and for a second there I thought I was going to have to TK him and blow my cover so the enemy could snatch it, but a red with a shotty took care of that for me. I dropped down as well to pretend like I gave a fuck, and the shotty took me out as well. The enemy scooped up our flag and began the mad dash back to their base.
After I respawned, I found myself legging it towards the enemy base. Our warthogs were gone and everyone was trying to take down the bad guys before they scored with our flag. It was eerily quiet as Ie jogged along. A few comrades ahead of me managed to find an empty Warthog-- our only hope to prevent the enemy from scoring. They flipped it, loaded up, and started to drive off... but not before I chucked a sticky grenade and stuck the gunner. He bailed before the rest of the crew could be killed by the explosion, but the damage was done. The Warthog had no offensive bite, and in a sudden spurt of combat, they were down. I hoped my TK would be hidden by the other kills. Apparently, it was, because nobody called me out on it.
It was at this point that the whole thing came to a bottleneck. The enemy team scored, tying the game 3 to 3. Only moments later, I hear "Blue Team has the flag" from that vaguely sinister announcer. This was a timed match, and there was only about two minutes left. I could only make one more kill before being auto-banned. Chat box was going crazy. Shit was going down, fast.
I was killed and respawned inside the base. Not too far away, one of my comrades was running for his life back to base, flag in hand, victory at stake. I climbed to the top and whip out my pistol. I'm literally trembling at this point. The sweet, black betrayal. The dark glory. It was happening.
Out of space, to be continued in comments...
lookatthisthrowaway3: An enemy warthog flies over the hill and peppers my location with machine gun fire. They don't realize that **I am their dark savior.** I crouch and keep peeking out my scope, looking for my victim. I want to kick the wall with frustration. One minute left in the match. Someone hits the enemy hog with a frag grenade. I can stand once more. Time is running out, I didn't have time to make my glorious kill, I didn't--
There he was. The blue man with the flag, coming over the hill. He had enough time to score. A friendly 'hog circled around to his left, his guardian angel. A firefight raged in the distance, keeping the enemy occupied. He was coming in at the last minute, like a hero in an action flick. The clan would have their next victory.
In that moment, I hesitated. This guy with the flag, this hero, he was probably a lot like me. He went to school, ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that his mom packed for him, put his homework off till the last second, told all his friends that he had a girlfriend that went to another school. He probably looked forward to the end of his day, when he could crack a soda and plop down in an office chair. When he could fire up Halo and lose himself in a world of clans and bullets and flags.
But compassion was not forthcoming in my empty soul. I looked down my scope, aimed for his head, and squeezed the trigger. There was a flicker around his body as his shields vanished. I squeezed off several more rounds in fast succession. His lifeless body dropped, flag bouncing aimlessly off to the right.
There was a lag, then I was looking at the blue server list, a message informing me that I had been kicked from the server. I had done it. I had ruined the clan match. The ultimate betrayal.
I didn't stick around to witness the aftermath. I changed to my normal, non-TK account and went about my day.
I played Halo online on and off for the next year or so. I never went back to my dark ways. That final betrayal was the climax, the epiphany. Anything that came after would never be that good. It was not long before I lost interest altogether. But I'll never forget that blue figure emerging over the hill to win the game, moving my scope over his head, and blowing him away in cold blood.
I feel that my actions have probably earned me a special place in hell, a place more painful and dark than even Hitler's cell. I was once a Team Killer. I ruined a match for a clan.
I hope that I have done enough good in the world to atone for my actions. But at the same time... I am filled with dark pride.
Did I fuck up? Perhaps... but perhaps not.
Stiboon: You shot Church, you team-killing fucktard!
FinalxForm: Why are there six pedals if there's only four directions?
| 4 | 10 | |
1403572240 | 1403577877 | t3_28xb86 | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU: By Almost getting fired over pennies.
I work as a cashier and I was training a new cashier today and I told him that if something comes out to being $4.98, to just give them $5 because 2 cents is 2 cents. I often counter-act this by bringing in a quarter from home every day to drop into my till so I can just round pennies during my shift to keep the lines short and so I'm not handing someone a large sum of coins.
Well my boss heard me say that and I almost got a write up and fired that very second for employee theft. I explained to my boss that I used to work at a lot of bars where I was taught something called Eight Count Courtesy, where you NEVER give a customer eight coins or more, you just round to the next dollar up as a courtesy to the customer.
So apparently rounding pennies to the next dollar when it is 98+ cents, is a huge NO factor in corporatized businesses.
steezyvape: One of the problems I've found with corporate america, is that common sense and courtesy don't mean a damn thing if it goes against any rule, unspoken or otherwise.
Simple things like this that are courtesy and appreciated in a bar, are fast tracks to write ups and terms in places like call centers, etc.
I once had a customer call in about his past due account that was interrupting service, monthly rate around $250, past due amount? $0.25. He asked for me to just move it to the next billing cycle, can't do that, asked me to credit it (it's 0.25 cents right?) company won't let me do that. He had to bust out a credit card and pay, and we charged him an $8 "convenience" fee. He was irate, and that could have been solved with simple courtesy.
SGDove: Sounds like a phone company I used to work for where I had to deal with the exact same issue, we'll just call the company Horizan.
steezyvape: Yeah, It was Horizan's competitor... Romfast. Lovely companies that will rule our society in a near future.
SGDove: Yoogle might be able to knock these companies down in the near future. Or I hope at least considering they're such outdated companies and outdated infrastructure as well as totally monopolized.
steezyvape: Yoogle is doing some exciting things, but they scare the crap out of me. Moral of the story, we're all screwed, eventually.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1403572340 | 1403624073 | t3_28xbdl | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by kicking my Mom in the face. From 10 feet away.
Had a rough day today, and I just couldn't get my attitude into something nice/calmer. Was unloading the car, and had taken my tennis shoes off.
She kept asking about my day, like the good mom she is. This brought up more stuff then I wanted to feel. I kicked my shoes out of the way so I could put stuff on the ground.
Guess I put my oomph in there then I thought. The shoe flew at a perfect angle and smacked her right in the face. Boy, I haven't seen her that pissed in years.
I hid out in the shower, took a walk, and napped for 3 hours before I was calm enough at *myself* to apologize.
**TLDR** I should take up soccer instead of golf.
Shoes fly higher then expected.
Ticklemypicklee: Fourrrrr
sfsdsc: > Forrrre
TCPC1: No, I think they were size four shoes.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1403573130 | 1403659903 | t3_28xciw | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting sick (NSFW)
So I woke up sick a few days ago. I got up and pooted around my house for a while, but I felt terrible and wanted to recover in time to start my new job, so I decided to take a nap.
Normally I'm a pretty heavy sleeper but it takes me a while to fall asleep, especially when it's during the day. So I was tossing and turning for a bit, but eventually I hit the sweet spot and found myself drifting away, when I hear:
**"NO WOMAN NO CRY. NOOOOO WOMAN NO CRY"**
come fucking blaring in my window, SO GODDAMN LOUD. I angrily got up to investigate and realized that my elderly next-door neighbors were having a sing-along party in their backyard. Awesome. I closed every window and put in earplugs. Didn't help.
So for the next hour, I lay in my bed, quietly swearing, while they ran through a whole host of jams, including that fucking "come on people now, try to love one another" song (which I think now was probably my favorite, due to the sheer irony).
Finally I gave up and decided maybe a shower would make me feel better. And of course, once I was in the bathroom feeling sorry for myself, I was compelled to jerk off to further mitigate my terrible day. So there I was, going right to town in the shower with the water off, thinking that once I finished I would just turn the shower on and clean up. Given the circumstances, when the time came (hehe), I didn't worry too much about where I came.
Unfortunately I also didn't think to worry about where I was pointing my dick.
Imagine my chagrin, dear reader, when, just as I felt sweet release, I also felt my face and hair get spritzed with my own cum.
After that, I just kind of sat defeated in my own jizz for a while, reflecting on the factors and events that had led to my downfall. Then eventually I got up and showered, because, ya know, I didn't really want my own semen to dry in my hair.
TL;DR: Got sick; ludicrous chain of events led to me coming in my own face and hair.
stepjens: but how???
NO_POPE: how what?
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1403574707 | 1403577456 | t3_28xew4 | t5_2to41 | 4 | bitchnotnow: TIFU by having this subreddit open in a tab while my mom was watching
I'm 17, and my mom is a bit overprotective. I was on this very subreddit. The thing is, my mom regularly likes to watch my screen to see if I'm on Facebook (she has a strong dislike toward me using Facebook for some reason), and she saw the subreddit tab's name "Today I Fucked Up" and she basically blew up. She said I was on a "crazy website" and she threatened to tell my teachers. She disconnected the router, so I can't get on our wifi network. I'm using my neighbor's internet right now, which I can barely even access because the signal sucks. :/
_Azweape_: A bit over protective? I think you are understating that... by like, a cuntry mile.
goyurik: After a while you get used to the overprotectiveness and it seems like a little.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1403576036 | 1403614305 | t3_28xgxw | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by jerking off in a country club pool
We have this family friend who's pretty well off and is a member at a country club. He invited my family over to just hang out and chill with his family at the club, dining and playing around, but mostly playing around the pool. The main pool was really nice, with a little grass hut bar serving drinks where the seats are submerged in the water and theres a slide for kids. The pool also had a bunch of nooks and crannies with massage jets underwater and such. So like any normal teenage guy I suddenly got rock hard and decided to jerk off in the water, not using the jet stream though. So I moved myself to a partially secluded area with palm leaves hiding me, and I would take a deep breath and go underwater and fap while looking at all the girls' asses in bikinis. Suddenly a little girl around 6 years old swims into the area with goggles on and obviously spotted my dick. She quickly swims back and embraces her dad and starts crying, saying something I could not hear while her dad gives me the dirtiest stare. Obviously I quickly get the fuck out of there.
TLDR: was jerking off in a pool and a little girl saw me.
LondonChap86: There's nothing normal about that at all. You decided to jerk off in public whilst watching girls nearby.
See, most teenagers don't do that. Really fucking weird creeps do that.
Though look on the bright side. When you're in court in 5 years time for the inevitable sex crime you commit, you can use this as evidence of some sort of long-running disorder.
Kwindecent_exposure: Well, looking at his sad comment history consisting of reflections upon times when he acted out hatefully towards girls he couldn't win the affections of and felt malcontent to those males he saw himself as inferior to, I found this gem hiding on the top:
"I was talking to this girl for a long time, going to dinners and shit and paying for all of them. Then one day she just drops the "I thought we were just friends" bomb on me. I was so frustrated because I thought it was going so well. I asked her to dinner one last time. I love cooking so I made a box of chocolate truffles with orange zest and malibu coconut rum. The kicker is that I would jerk off, cum all over the chocolate truffles and then roll them in the shaved white chocolate or chopped nuts or whatever. I did this over the course of a day and ended up with around 20 chocolate truffles, rolled in different sprinkles but all spiked with my cum. I popped out the box after dinner and she could not stop eating them, even putting them on instagram and shit. The entire time talking about how she can taste the orange and malibu rum and how pretty they looked. I guess I feel a little bit bad about it. Never talked to her since."
So yeah, I'd say this guy if he wants to be happy needs to go on a soul-searching quest stop being a rapey loner, see his weaknesses for what they are strengthen around them and settle for a life of normalcy.
LondonChap86: Wow, I hadn't spotted that one. Yup, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we see this confused weirdo in the news.
| 4 | 8.25 | |
1403577101 | 1403578137 | t3_28xii3 | t5_2to41 | 13 | She_Wants_The_Z: TIFU by supporting gender equality.
Today I brought up the topic of gender equality amongst a group of my now almost entirely ex-friends. They were all cool with it at first, when we were talking about womens rights, but then I brought up something about male rape victims, and almost all of them told me that men can't be raped by women. The only one who stood by me was my best friend, we'll call him J. J stood by me because he was drugged and raped by someone he met at a bar last year. By the end of it all, he was in tears, and a majority of the others told me not to talk to them ever again.
The only one who didn't say this to me (who wasn't J) was another friend of mine who went through an extremely abusive relationship with his ex (she ended up fracturing three ribs and broke his nose). I'm really not sure how to react to this, as it really only just sank in that they know some of my deepest secrets, and were just pretty cool to hang out with.
TL;DR, brought up mens rights, am now down five friends.
Warningwaffle: It's always good to know who the ignorant people around you are, so you can avoid wasting your time with them.
She_Wants_The_Z: Honestly, I'm sorta glad I don't have to wonder which of my "friends" are like that anymore.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1403577119 | 1403632224 | t3_28xiiv | t5_2to41 | 52 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating before getting intimate.
So today, my SO and I went to a fast food restaurant for lunch. No big deal, we do this all the time. Being the eating machine that I am (also 5'4", 130 lbs, and female), I ordered a large meal complete with a large serving of waffle fries and a large beverage. I put it away like a champ.
We decided to go home and watch some anime together, as is normal in this relationship. I feel my stomach gurgle slightly. No big deal though. Digestion, right? One thing led to another and I'm topless on top of him with Blue Exorcist playing in Japanese in the background. Demonic screams really set the mood. This being a fairly new relationship, we haven't done too much of this together yet.
The decision making part of my brain decided to take a nap today apparently, because I start heading down for some good ol' fellatio. Mind you, this is the first time I've done this with my man. So I'm going to town like the good girlfriend I am, responding to the frequent moans by attempting to go deeper. Slight gagging is inevitable. Or so I thought.
"Babe," he says, "I'm gonna cum...".
I go as deep as I can to hopefully ingest the impending load. I feel something hot in my throat, but suddenly I realize that not all is well. A stream of warm vomit, complete with waffle fry chunks, flows out of my mouth and covers his package. Let's just say I'll be eating significantly less in the future.
**tl; dr: I went down on my boyfriend for the first time and regurgitated the contents of my large lunch on his manhood.**
Warningwaffle: He is never going to forget you.
Prospekt01: Waffle chunks are forever.
| 3 | 17.333333 | |
1403577574 | 1403610090 | t3_28xj6t | t5_2to41 | 88 | FilthyNipple: TIFU by loosing my virginity.NSFW
About 2 years ago I lost my virginity to the girl of my dreams. I was so nervous and inexperienced. Needless to say she was far more experienced than myself. Little did she know at the time that I didn’t even know how to properly position a condom on to my dick. Truth be told she probably thought she was in for a treat the way I had talked myself up.
This is where the fucking up begins. We just finished watching Hostel: Part 2, real romantic huh? It obviously did something if she was willing to get down right afterwards. Anyways we start making out and I already know its about to happen. She starts taking her clothes off and I can tell that I am already about to blow my load all over the place. Unfortunately for her I didn’t bust a nut before we hooked up.
She asks if I have a condom and of course I already have it prepared. I pull the condom out of my pillowcase and it’s a Trojan Fire and Ice. I can still hear her laughing at me for having a condom in my pillowcase. So I unwrap the condom and to my surprise I have no idea how to use this thing. I probably looked similar to a cave man that just discovered fire. I had my scrote in one hand and a condom in the other. So what do I do? I just roll the sucker on. Well guys, I fucked up because I put it on inside out.
Finally we start having sex and however long the duration was I don’t remember all I know is something went terribly wrong because after I jizzed and pulled out my condom was no where to be found. This girl and I searched high and low for the condom butt ass naked and couldn’t find it. She ends up just suggesting we go at it again so of course I wasn’t opposed. After having sex 2 times and a nights rest I get a call from the girl in the morning and she was livid. She informed me that she was taking a shower and she pulled a cum filled, cum covered condom out of her vagene.
TLDR- I lost a condom in my dream girl’s vagene.
Jay_j88: but like, she didn't pee or clean up after sex and realize the condom was up there? loll
Puntley: ...... They don't pee from the same hole....
Jay_j88: I clearly don't know how it would feel to have female organs.. but if she was to sit on the toilet and pee would you not feel that something is inside you that shouldn't be there?
CochinBrahmaLover: If you have something in your butt and you pee, do you feel something wrong in your butt?
can_clogger: I'm sure if i had a slippery condom jammed up my butt i would feel something isn't quite right
CochinBrahmaLover: Ok but your butt is stretched and was recently stretched to accommodate a dick.
Can your dick accommodate a dick as of this moment?
can_clogger: i dont have to answer that
CochinBrahmaLover: If you want to answer the question 'wouldn't a woman notice a condom in her vagina', yes, yes you do.
can_clogger: even if my butt was stretched, if i was to stand up without the condom slipping out wouldn't i be able to feel it with the skin thats in contact with it? the skin thats keeping it from slipping?
| 10 | 8.8 | |
1403577708 | 1403598328 | t3_28xjdp | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a gigantic tip
So in late March, i took a trip to Europe with some friends. Paris and Berlin. We were out to dinner on our last night in Berlin, and were eating and having beer. For some reason when i pulled out my wallet to pay, I began to count my remaining cash that i had. About €100. I had a €50 bill and a few €20 bills. So we pay, and leave. There's an Edeka Center(a large grocery store) near our hotel, and we start buying some snacks etc for the flight home. (California). I was purchasing many different goods that you can't get in the states. Primarily Haribo candy and alcohol. I get to the register and it comes out to about €80 something. I pull out my wallet, the €50 bill is gone. I had accidentally left the €50 bill ($68 USD) on the table at the restaurant.
I ended up going to a ATM down the street and withdrew more cash.
TL;DR: drunk me left a gigantic tip for a waiter
readysteadyjedi: This would read better if you mention how much the bill for dinner was.
steezyvape: Well if they left a 50 instead of a 20 then probably 10-15 plus tip.
| 3 | 1 | |
1403579512 | 1403617765 | t3_28xm40 | t5_2to41 | 2,471 | sonictheplumber: TIFU by giving my little cousin a vibrator for his birthday.
I had to give out two gifts yesterday. It was my little cousin's 10th birthday, so I got him Halo 4 as a cheap gift he'd enjoy, and it was my friend's 24th birthday, so I got her a vibrator. I put the gifts in identical boxes and used the same wrapping paper for both of them without even thinking about the possibility of a fuck-up. As I was going to my friend's party, I stopped by my little cousin's to drop off his gift. I handed him his gift and told him that it was a fun game he'd think was really cool, and I said it had lots of big guns and explosions and stuff. He thanks me and I'm on my way. I get to my friend's party and hand her what I think is a vibrator. She hugs me, says thanks, puts it with the other gifts, yada yada yada. I get drunk and high as shit since it's a party and then gift time comes. I'm grabbing another beer when I hear my friend say in a puzzled voice, "Halo 4?" I nearly shit my pants. I explained things to everyone there (they all thought it was funny) and checked my phone, and sure enough, as expected, I've got several missed calls and about 20 texts from my aunt and uncle asking me what the fuck is wrong with me and how could I possibly think what I did was a good idea. Of course, by the time I'm seeing this stuff it's close to midnight and I'm way too out of it to even attempt explaining the mix-up. TLDR; GOT GIFTS MIXED UP AND GAVE 10 YEAR-OLD COUSIN A VIBRATOR
omniron: Seems like the weight alone should give it away...
HORSE-KOCK: Yep. I'm gonna go ahead and assume op is lying. Video games are thin and extremely light. Op, why do you lie?
ShamelessDistraction: This sub is all lies, but it's okay because they're funny lies. I don't really mind as long as I try not to think too hard about the stories.
MasterOfWhisperers: This isn't even a funny lie. It's the most simple cliche comedy trope.
mainsworth: Thanks for letting us all know what is funny and what isn't funny, arbitrator of comedy.
MasterOfWhisperers: No problem. I'm just trying to make the world a better place.
mainsworth: You take reddit way too seriously.
MasterOfWhisperers: You struggle with satire.
mainsworth: satire?
iPhoneVersusToilet: Exactly.
mainsworth: y'all are cute
| 12 | 205.916667 | |
1403578248 | 1403657065 | t3_28xk7t | t5_2to41 | 5 | Zatore: TIFU by calling my blind friend blind
We were in a skype call and he is mostly blind as in colorblind and has a lot of trouble seeing changes in movement and lighting (plus a very narrow field of view). We were messing around with steam and he was amazed by the graphics on "Nether" (or what he could see) I told him to go look at "Crysis 3" and when he said he saw almost no difference I quickly (without thinking) said "What are you blind?"
BeerWithDinner: A customer of mine, Blind Mississippi Morris, always comes into my shop for harmonicas, one of his long time friends used to work there and everytime he walked in the door my co-worker would usually throw a "Hey Morris, you aint gonna say hi to me? did you not see me when you came in?" or some variation. Morris is legally blind, but it never stopped him, and he always had some great comeback.
Zatore: I love it when people know how to crack jokes about their disabilities, it makes them all the more funny.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1403580127 | 1403580559 | t3_28xn01 | t5_2to41 | 3 | P00lereds: TIFU by trusting my dad with a birthday present
Well when I asked my dad for a gaming computer he said sure and did "research" I did none of my own and I trusted my dad. I don't know what the dummer sentence is. "Son do you want a windows 8?" Or "Sure thing dad!" Now I have this piece of crap, you can not game on a windows 8 or maybe my dad went cheap on me and got me a low quality windows 8. I don't know but this is no gaming computer. This is a disgrace and a reminder to never trust my dad to do his own "research"
qwerteh: You can game just fine on a windows 8.
P00lereds: Not mine, the best I can do is minecraft and that's laggy with graphics up
qwerteh: Your computer sucks then. Not the operating system.
| 4 | 0.75 |
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