start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1
value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1
value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
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1406688704 | 1406995521 | t3_2buu4b | t5_2to41 | 7 | extremeneon: I feel like I totally screwed things up by coming out or telling him that I wasn't gay because I rushed myself and wasn't even sure if myself
[deleted]: Dont worry bro, just chill and let things develop - if u keep bringing it up it will seem like a come on and perhaps make things awkward. Just give ur mate/mates who know a bit of time to adjust - if they really are your friends then they will stick around regardless, but as with all things like this it can take people a bit by surprise. Like holy says, dont sexualise things too fast - just be friends and let things progress at a comfortable pace.
extremeneon: I was going to do that, but then I went ahead and told the guy I originally told I wasn't gay, so I just made a mess of it. I didn't tell the other guy I wasn't gay, cause I don't really want to bring it up again. They stick around the other one sometimes brings it up. Once I was in these like red/pink swim trunks and the other guy said, you look really gay in that. I just went along with it and was yeah I know ( I did hate the swim trunks and don't know why I wore them lol) but it just got so annoying. It doesn't really happen anymore except sometimes when I go to sleep near the guy I originally told, he's like, yeah go sleep with your boyfriend. Im like "I'm not even gay" trying to oppose it... Idk why I just wasn't ready and I want to take it back.
[deleted]: Sigh, those cursed trunks!
I'm sorry to hear how it has turned out so far bro, I really cant say how to make things better except just keep being a friend, treat them how you would like to be treated yourself - even if they don't always return the gesture. Legit hope it works out somehow mate, all I can say is be patient - yes, what has been said has been said and its done and gone now so rather than wish you could take it back (god knows I have been there plenty) try look at how u can move forward from that, maybe sleep in separate beds for a bit or create a bit of space between things - not cos thats what you really want, cos we all know sleeping next to someone is nice, but cos it might help things ease a bit down the track.....
Failing that, I'm on here often so you are more than welcome to vent to an anon if you need it.
extremeneon: Ha lol the cursed trunks. Whatever though, it's okay because the guy I told first sticks up for me sometimes... It's not all that bad.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406467669 | 1406469195 | t3_2buu80 | t5_2to41 | 3 | horse_cum_throwaway: TIFU by getting tricked into receiving malware from a stranger [NSFW]
YassineDieBelg: This is a stupid troll, if its not then ur just a sick person. Better find some psychiatrist on omegle.
horse_cum_throwaway: I'm seriously not trolling you guys. I know the circumstances are really strange but the story is true
YassineDieBelg: Click this link, i promise its not infected. www.circumhorses.org
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406471633 | 1406475155 | t3_2buych | t5_2to41 | 9 | LaDarkPhoenix: TIFU by punching my crush in the face
rob2060: She didn't faint. You knocked her out.
LaDarkPhoenix: Same shit
rob2060: Actually, no.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406470249 | 1406473020 | t3_2buwuu | t5_2to41 | 13 | stackedpancakes: TIFU when my secret smoking habit set my laundry on fire.
So I "quit" smoking last year, but every now and then I get stressed, and my partner doesnt know that I take an occassional smoke form the laundry room out the window. With the dryers on and all the fabric softeners and fresheners its always gone by the time I walk out and if its too heavy I just throw my clothes in the wash as well. Well for the first time in 6 months he decided to help me do the laundry, and opened the door as I was mid drag, thankfully with my back to him.
I panicked and spit the cig out right away but instead of it hitting the small puddle on the floor from the wet clothes that had been piled there it went straight into the bag of "delicates" I had set aside for the next wash.
This went completely unnoticed by me as I tried to busy myself and shoo my partner out of the laundry. He smelled the smoke on me though and we got into a somewhat heated discussion about my smoking and doing things behind his back. I stormed back into the laundry just as visible flames were coming up out of the bag of dirty clothes and had to try putting them out with handfuls of water from the laundry sink.
suffice to say he got a good laugh at me, and as my "punishment" for smoking behind his back I now have to do delicates like 3 times a week.
mrpotaytahead: That's fucked up that you get punished for smoking. That makes me wanna smoke.
stackedpancakes: he didnt punish me, its like the universe punishing me leaving me with only 2 pairs :P
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1406472795 | 1406525053 | t3_2buzr7 | t5_2to41 | 9 | JetTractor: TIFU by getting shaving gel in my eye
I have a really faint unibrow and I wanted to shave it, but I accidentally pushed the gel into my eye.
Alienmantis: Try plucking it with tweezers next time. It doesn't grow as fast and you don't get any messy shit.
JetTractor: I'm scared of the pain, though.
something_other: Well... there's a bit of irony for you...
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1406473232 | 1406489495 | t3_2bv0bj | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally slipping my manhood inside a girls vag..
ThatGuyGetsIt: And in today's news of things that didn't happen we're sending you over to marsmenfrommars.
CapnTBC: Can't talk guy I'm being showered in $100 bills and the cameraman is too busy applauding.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1406473038 | 1406520179 | t3_2bv01r | t5_2to41 | 68 | Throw_away4124: TIFU by having sex. (NSFW)
So yesterday evening I got called by a female friend, but before i start this story, a little background. She's a smart, funny, quirky individual who I get along with very well and have known for a year or two. I'm a 20sth student (male), living in a 12m2 room, and single, I recently got out of a four year relationship.
Female friend knows my ex, but likes to hang out with both of us (seperately ofcourse) and has a bf of her own. He's a good guy, really into helping people and makes his living out of it. He supports her and they sort of live together (she sometimes goes back to the city she grew up in for up to a week, and will sleep at her parents).
So. She calls me because we haven't seen eachother in a while and neither of us had any plans for that evening, so we agree to meet up. Since we're both nigh on broke, we decide to get some beer from a local shop, go to a park and just hang out while enjoying the beer and shooting the shit. But neither of us had eaten yet and neither of us had enough food for two, but enough for one, so we figured we'd eat our seperate foods and meet up after.
Three hours later and she still hasn't shown up. She doesn't live more than half an hour away, so I figure maybe something happened. I call her. Turns out she'd been called by someone she hadn't spoken to in forever so they ended up talking for two hours ("time just flew by, sorry"), and she wanted to take a shower before she came over. Very well, I honestly don't mind. Wasn't like I was doing anything I wouldn't have been had we not made plans, so my night is going just fine.
Finally she shows up, it's about 10pm, 10:30 ish and I'd had the presence of mind to get the beer before the shops closed, so we're all set. But first, we decided to meet up at my place because she hadn't seen it yet. After I broke up with my ex I was the one to move out with all my shit for we had been living together for 2,5 years. So I'm showing her the place, talking about how I regret having to stack my awesome double bed because fully laid out it would be too big for the room. If I wanted to I could de-stack the beds, just lift the top slat bed frame off the one on the floor, but then there'd be no room to do anything else in the room but sleep.
Eventually we head out with some beers, go to a nearby park to find it closed, to find that the lock on the gates is just for show. So we open her up, go inside, mock close it again, and head off to find a bench to sit on. So we do, and conversation between us is fairly heavy. We're both very open minded, and have no issue talking about taboo subjects. One subject we talk to fair lengths about is sex.
Time to zoom out again. She's in a stable relationship in which she is very happy. She's always been flirty, that's just her personality, but as such has had a lot of guys mistake her natural way of doing things, as a come on. She's broached this subject plenty of times before, and I know that I have no chance of getting laid with this woman. I don't mind, I know this, and though I'm constantly horny due to the lack of relationship and not having someone to mess around with (and not being able to wank), I'm not having a hard time keeping that to myself and not bothering her with it. She's aware of all of this, I'd talked about it but we're still in good company. My moral fiber is stronger than that, I honestly don't see her as someone to fool around with. It just doesn't enter my mind. She's the same, she's been approached by guys that think she likes them plenty of times and never had any problems turning them down. She's very strong that way and we both know it.
So we're having fun, we're enjoying eachothers company and I start getting a little cold. I'd underdressed, something which she had the foresight not to do, so we cuddle. We talked about when intimacy is too intimate, and we both agreed that huddling up to eachother for warmth wasn't over the line. Eventually we run out of beer, nothing spicy had happened, exactly like we both expected and we both have full bladders and figure my place has the nearest toilet. So we head back over to my place, empty our bladders, and decide to continue the night. We hadn't taken all the beer to the park, so we'd figured we could watch a movie on my tv and continue drinking and hanging.
I can drink fairly heavy, and when there's enough beer I don't put on any selfconstraint and just keep chugging them down. She's the same, neither of us are new to this game. We're enjoying the movie (Jumanji) but the only place to do this from in my room are from my computer chair, and from my bed. I'd set up the bed to be very comfortable for sitting earlier that day because i'd watched some flick on my own, and she figured we could both sit on the bed. It's only 80cm's wide so it's fairly cozy, but again, cuddling wasn't over the line and we're both comfortable with the situation. The movie progresses and we're both getting kinda sleepy. At this point we'd both had about 3 liters of beer, maybe 4, within 3 hours time. So yeah, if we aren't drunk, we certainly are pretty tipsy.
Still nothing happens. Neither of us was expecting anything to happen. We're not into eachother like that. No kissing, no petting, nothing. Purely enjoying eachothers platonic company.
She starts falling asleep, I hang in there a little longer and all of a sudden she starts shifting her position in her sleep. Like I said, the bed is fairly small in its current setup and she had been sliding off. The bed is up against a wall on the long side and she had been sliding into the gap between the bed and the wall. So she shifts, pushing herself a little more onto the bed. A little more onto me. I know this isn't intentional or intended as a come-on, so i let her, wrap my arm around her to support her better so she doesn't slide off anymore and continue watching, a little more awake than i was due to obvious internal horny reactions.
A little while later she fully shifts over on top of me. She's now sitting on me, but with her upper body fully on top of mine, her head on my shoulder, still asleep.
I'm still not reacting, aware enough to know she doesn't want anything from me, so I continue watching.
And then she starts grinding.
In between the grinding and the cowgirl position enough time had passed for me to fall asleep as well. By this point I'm firing on no cilinders. She starts grinding, my initial reaction is null.
She's starting to get my blood to boil though, i'm getting hot and the grinding is getting heavier and heavier. I can remember when i started to react. I started to fondle her. She has a nice body but I'd never touched her in that way. I do now though. Fogged up as my mind was, it wasn't the big brain that was doing the thinking anymore. I undid her bra, to get my hands fully on there, and loving it. At this point I'm not aware of much more than the basic urge and the heft of what's in my hands. I'd been dying to get someone in my bed and here she was.
At this point she's sitting up in full cowgirl position, still grinding away letting little moans escape and I'm at full mast.
After this point it gets a little hazy, maybe I fall back asleep again for a few minutes, but the next thing I know is I'm undressing myself and her to do the deed, while she's still on top of me. Looking back she must've been helping me because there's just no way to get your pants off when there's someone sitting on them, let alone get her leggings and panties off under similar conditions.
She starts riding me. At this point I'd had more stimulation than I could handle, I'd come just by entering her. I've always been able to stay hard after coming, a trick that I apparently can also muster when fogged out of my mind with sleep and alcohol. Looking back I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. She starts getting really into it, riding me harder and harder untill she was riding me so hard I literally had to brace myself against a wall to not slide all over the place. I've never been ridden that hard in my life, but that's not saying much. Eventually she also comes and she sort of collapses back, over my legs. I have no idea how long it lasted, but after she's finally down we both fall asleep.
A couple of hours later we wake up, to find that we'd had sex. She says she thought it was a dream while she was doing it and I offer no better explanation. She has a hard time grasping exactly WHY she did it, she doesn't remember as much as I've written down here and I didn't figure adding all the details would make her feel better about it, so I mumble back something stupid. She has the presence of mind to ask wether she's in danger of any STD's but with my limited kill-count that's not a worry. She says there's a small window where she might've gotten something, but I'm not too worried.
She says she can't hide this from her bf, and I understand. That's not the person she is or wants to be and I can respect that. I offer to help her in any way I can, ask wether she wants me to be there when she breaks the news or a shoulder if she ever needs one.
Because we're still buddies. And neither of us wanted to have sex with the other at the cost of her relationship. We don't know how her bf will react, he's always been faithful to her and would also be upfront about it if he caught himself cheating on her.
Today I fucked up by drunkfucking a girl in a relationship.
EDIT: I posted this here for two reasons. The first being that I needed to get this off my chest, it was really bothering me (as it should, shouldn't it?) and second because I wanted some different perspectives on the situation. Maybe ways to handle it or whatever. And that's what I got from all of you. Thanks for the replies.
I won't be logging into this account again.
desipioj: Despite how platonic everything might have seemed I'd never cuddle with someone if I'm in a relationship or be okay with my SO cuddling with someone else no matter how good of a friend they are. It's not about jealousy but a matter of boundaries and respect.
I hope she's able to save her relationship but in all honesty, I don't know if in her SO's shoes I'd be okay with that or with her continued friendship with you if I forgave her. I hope you're both prepared because she has a high chance of losing her relationship or her friendship with you.
Sounds a little more like TSFU (Today She Fucked Up)
Throw_away4124: We thought about the breakup thing as well, we're both of the mind that if her bf needs her to break bonds with me, we're both cool with that. We'd both rather have her continue having a good relationship with her bf than anything else.
On the cuddling thing: people experience different boundaries. We're both physical people, huggers, if you will. It just seemed to fit, but in no way did we forsee cuddling would turn into sex. If we had, we wouldn't.
In all honesty I think he even deserves to punch me in the face if he wants to. That would be a very easy and clear way of expressing my sorrow over what happened.
Edit: new to replying.
TheLawlessMan: "I think he even deserves to punch me in the face if he wants to." Wrong. Would you be okay with him punching her in the face? If you did not hit him he should not be hitting you. I don't know why that would make him feel any better when it was his girlfriend that did the cheating. I might think the guy is scum (if he knew she was in a relationship) but hitting him wouldn't make me feel better.
darkeagle91: Uh pretty sure you don't hit a woman, ever, but if a guy hangs out with your girlfriend all night, drinks a shit load of beer, watches a movie, cuddles, and fucks her (and comes in her) you're well within your rights to smack him in his fucking face for ruining what you had going. Regardless of who came on to who.
That being said, if this mysterious boyfriend has an ounce of self respect he'll break up with this chick on the spot and never talk to her again. She obviously doesn't value the relationship for shit
TheLawlessMan: "Uh pretty sure you don't hit a woman" Bull. You dont hit ANYBODY that has not hit you. On the flip side if someone male or female assaults an innocent person they should expect to be hit back or at least a visit from the cops.
And what you said about hitting the guy.... Watch out for that... The cops wont care about your pride or whatever. Maybe I would do it if it was a close friend that knew about us and was not going to speak up but I am not going to attack some random horny idiot just because my woman cheats.
darkeagle91: You may not defend your pride, self worth, and relationship but I'd sure as fuck risk him pressing charges and the misdemeanor assault citation in that situation. And it sounds like OP wouldn't even press charges in this situation since he sympathizes with the poor boyfriend, as most normal humans would. Plus I dare you to find a judge who wouldn't throw that case out as an act of passion given the circumstances.
ImAfricaJustLikeBono: My best friend is doing 10 years because he pushed a guy-not even punched-and the guy lost his footing and broke his neck on a dresser on his way down.
You'd better be fully prepared for things to go wrong.
| 8 | 8.5 | |
1406475402 | 1406501388 | t3_2bv34l | t5_2to41 | 9,251 | TerryNichol: TIFU using a butt plug on my girlfriend
So last night me and my girlfriend went to a pre-wedding party. After the nights festivities we travelled home, when everyone else went to the bar. My girlfriend and I began to mess around with me eating her out and playing with her butt. At some point she stopped me and said let's use the butt plug (something that she had me buy over a year ago, but never used). So you could imagine my excitement when she said "bust out the plug." I get it out with the lube and must've dumped the whole bottle on it because what happened next honestly makes me scared to ever use that thing again. I put it in her butt too fast or too hard cuz next thing I know her ass swallowed the whole thing. Naturally I panic and try to go in after it. She's like wtf are you doing? I said don't freak out, but I lost the plug in your ass. She's like no way, and began to look around the bed for it (idk how she couldn't feel it but we were pretty drunk). When she realized that it really was up her ass she waddled to the bathroom close to tears. I'm super upset thinking I just broke my girlfriend. I felt relieved when I heard the water running and just praying we weren't going to be one of those couples at the ER for sex toy extraction. She walks out and throws the butt plug on the ground. Needless to say she went straight to bed and I'm no longer allowed near her butthole.
whalezzzzZz: Typically butt plugs would have a wide base, you know, to prevent this from happening. It's hard to imagine one getting stuck.
whalezzzzZz: Not that I know anything about butt plugs.
Accountw0t: Tagged as buttplug professional.
pdjr1991: Can the please be a flair for this?
CommanderDank: Yeah, Butt plug related TIFU posts seem to be quite frequent.
[deleted]: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2b2sl5/tifu_by_sticking_a_megasteel_marble_up_my_arse/cj1ipjz?context=3
Time for a public service announcement.
passthesertraline: Sticking stuff up your ass is awesome though, if you do it correctly.
mitrebox: http://youtu.be/jlPo9p0lzPw
blacktags: If that is not a risky click I don't know what is.
Skittlesharts: Yeah, not today and especially not in this thread!
| 11 | 841 | |
1406476958 | 1406495636 | t3_2bv58w | t5_2to41 | 12 | BatBoy1198: TIFU by eating a salad.
So today i went to a restaurant. Let's call it A. Today i went to A. It had a nice feel to it. You could tell it was a family restaurant and it was just cute. I was with my aunt, my 11 year old sister, and my 3 year old cousin. I had decided on a burger, but in order to have the burger, i had to order a salad with it. So i just said, "oh whatever, just give me any salad". Big mistake. When he came with the salads, everything was fine and i just began eating. My aunt and I were joking around when i felt it. There was a winged, HUGE bug in my mouth. Yeah, needless to say i found a moth in my salad. And not only did i find it, but i found it alive, moving in my mouth. Never eating there again
LS;DR I ate a salad, and ended up having a moth in my mouth.
UPDATE: It wasn't a big name resturaunt
Wiiplay123: Extra protein!
blazkow: I knew I'd see this.
| 3 | 4 | |
1406476872 | 1406590010 | t3_2bv54f | t5_2to41 | 47 | PulpFictionIsMyShit: TIFU By telling Dad my boyfriend has Facebook
For the past few years my fiance, "M" and I have been going out. He's a wonderful guy, makes me happy, etc. He's three-four years older than me we started dating a month from my 17th birthday when he was 20.
Today my dad called asking if I had a Facebook yet. (I never wanted one.) I told him no, but "M" did. My dad thinks he is two years older than me, for obvious reasons we didn't tell him when I was 17.
Now I know he'll go to his Facebook, realize we lied in the beginning and hold a grudge toward him. Considering he's 21+ and I'm not even 20.
My dad is very rude and confrontational about these things. So I'm pretty worried.
DIA13OLICAL: >Your boyfriend being 2 years older than you is fine.
>Your boyfriend being 4 years older than you isn't fine.
Dad logic.
PeterSutcliffe: A 19 year old and a 17 year old dating isn't too bad, but a 21 year old and a 17 year old is sort of weird.
Diasparo: My girlfriend was 20 and I 17 when we started dating, is this in some sort of creepy no man's land?
red_square_dont_care: Nah it still lands firmly within creepy, but no one is going to get upset about it.
Diasparo: Just wondering, as in the UK it's perfectly legal. Maybe it's just the area I grew up in but I just can't imagine anyone finding that weird, or having the ability to phone the police over it.
| 6 | 7.833333 | |
1406475058 | 1406522087 | t3_2bv2ns | t5_2to41 | 6 | DereQ: TIFU by watching porn with the speakers on instead of headphones.
I have a pair of cheap gaming headphones. I also live in a side-by-side duplex. Forgot I turned on my speakers earlier in the day to listen to some music while working on my resume. I put on my headphones for a fap session not realizing the sound output was coming out of my speakers instead of the headphone jack. I didn't realize this for about 10 minutes until I heard a knock at the door.
SheepChasing: Oh god. A old roommate of mine did this. I came home from work and heard, but definitely wasn't saying anything. I had a knock on my door a few minutes later so that he could apologize for forgetting the headphones while watching porn. I was a 19 year old girl, definitely more embarrassing for me.
agoogua: Sounds like he did it on purpose tbqh
SheepChasing: That makes it so much worse.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1406479357 | 1406485249 | t3_2bv8p1 | t5_2to41 | 24 | throoowaaawaaaay: TIFU by developing feelings for a close friend's grilfriend.
So, I'm in my late 20's and a guy I've been best friends with since highschool moved a few hours away with his girlfriend... a few years down the line they're having problems.
I haven't talked to either of them in a while so I was surprised when both of them started talking to me on facebook again individually. Later my friend confides that they're having a few problems, arguments and such, and she's already moved back to my hometown, and that if I can, I should look out for her...
Anyway, so I meet up with her, and she's ridiculously hot... I always kinda had a crush on her but you know, bro code and all that. so anyway we have a few beers and just talk about stuff when she drunkenly mentions she crushed on me in highschool too. One thing leads to another and she offers me a blowjob. Now... I'm only a man... I couldn't say no, so she did... and it was amazing, best of my life if im honest.
Ever since that day we've been flirting ridiculously and she's sending me pictures of herself and we've ended up sleeping with eachother over and over again. We knew it was a bad idea, but we couldn't help ourselves and we said it'd just be a friends with benefits sort of deal and he didn't have to know.
Anyway... we ended up just sleeping with eachother every time we got together... and now we're both starting to have feelings for eachother and I know that this can't happen... I genuinely don't know what to do about it because my friend is crazy about her and is expecting her to move back in with him.
TL;DR I've been having a friends with benefits relationship with my good friend's newly ex girlfriend and it's evolved into us having feelings for eachother and now I don't know what to do about it.
themightysicko: You are fuct!
throoowaaawaaaay: Ugh, I know right?! hahaha It's so fucked up.
themightysicko: Most likely she likes it so much cuz it's secretive so if you end up persueing a relationship with her eventually she'll do the same thing to you
throoowaaawaaaay: Yeah, I know that it's a bad idea. I don't really want anything with her because it's too complicated.
When we talk about it she's pretty adamant that him and her are over anyway. I'm not sure he knows the same though.
she's not the kind of person to get off on it because it's secretive and stuff, but I feel like it's because I'm there and I'm literally the only person there for her... I keep telling her i feel like I'm taking advantage but she shrugs it off and assures me I'm not and that she wants it. :/
themightysicko: I wouldn't trust anything she says, mainly cuz girls often believe their own bullshit. Idk how tight you are with your boy but the one thing I know is you can never let him know...ever. and if this chick gets mad for whatever reason she'll probably tell him to make him feel like shit
| 6 | 4 | |
1406479814 | 1406531730 | t3_2bv9cy | t5_2to41 | 839 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending sending this text (NSFW)
I got wildly drunk on my birthday and sent this text to my ex-girlfriend:
http://imgur.com/em8BEGB
When I realized what I sent I then laughed myself to sleep.
[deleted]: Judging by how she took it we can assume that she's awesome. Get her back OP!
PeachyDaisy: Don't you mean that she's aerosor?
[deleted]: It actually sounds kinda cool, like it could fit as a replacement to "awesome."
"That party was so aerosor."
:D
caffeinefueled: usually when they keep their cool its because they're with someone better
| 5 | 167.8 | |
1406479993 | 1406500283 | t3_2bv9m2 | t5_2to41 | 509 | Im_so_confusd: TIFU by looking through my wife's phone
Firstly I have to say the only reason I would touch my wife's phone ever is to reset an app we run on our phones when they aren't being used to make a little extra side cash. Sometimes the app freezes or crashes.
On with the story, this all starts a few days ago when my wife asked me if it was alright if she hung out with a friend while they were in town since we live in Vegas we always have friends that come through and spend as little as a day here and we try and see them when we can. Of course I told her yes thinking nothing of it.
Then she asks me if I mind if she stays with her friend down on the strip so she doesn't have to drive back and forth while they are here. Of course I said yes again because that makes sense.
Last night though I fell asleep on the couch with her while she was watching Netflix, I woke up a little while ago with her gone and in our daughters bedroom asleep on her bed with her. While I'm looking for where my phone went I notice my wife's phone has frozen up. So I do the regular thing of shutting down the app and going to open it back up.
In 15 second process that this took there was a text notification that popped up and it was from her ex-bf reading;
> Is Im_so_confusd ok with this?
I immediately set the phone down and just sat on the couch thinking for a minute... I can't take it I have to know what is being talked about.
I pick up the phone again and go to text messages to see... The "friend" coming into town is her ex and he wants her to stay with him while he is here... I'm literally sick to my stomach as I type this and now my mind is racing. I don't know what to do, what to think. All I want to do is go out and drive.
TL;DR Wife asked if she could stay on strip with friend while they are in town. Friend turns out to be ex.
Small update 1:
Wife woke up for a minute just to fall back asleep on the couch after checking her phone. I deleted the text so she won't even know she ever got it.
Update 2:
nothing has happened still but I'm just sitting here and all I want to do is call her out and tell her to get the fuck out, what's really eating me up though is our daughter. She isn't my daughter only step-daughter. I just started the process though of adopting her as my own. Why the fuck would she cheat now? Why would you let me start the process if you are going to cheat and ruin our marriage?
*update 3*
Was not expecting this much response from people. I've read every single comment thus far and this is what I have decided to do at this point;
Since she asked me to find something out about my work schedule for the proposed time her "friend" is going to be coming out I will let her know tomorrow what that is going to look like. After I let her know that I will ask her who it is that is coming and see who she tells me and go from there.
It has been kind of awkward all day because I know what is going on but she has no clue. I have been acting normal though and not giving her any clue, at least I think she doesn't have a clue. I got really good at hiding my emotions in a past relationship.
Since I am doing all the adoption paperwork myself I am going to continue working on to avoid suspicion but obviously not file anything with the courts.
There are 2 big problems I'm going to run into with this. The first being that I can not afford a Lawyer at this point since I am the only one in the household that bring in money. I have gotten pretty good with court paperwork though over time so I may be able to do it on my own.
The second problem being that I am not a civillian, I am military so if I do get a divorce until it's final I still have to provide for her(to an extent), or I could actually get in trouble.
For those of you that have been saying it may be an innocent meeting there have been several other things he has said to her in the past that were inappropriate. Some examples of things he has said include
> I don't think being with him is good for you
> I wish I would have fixed us sooner
> Nearly daily texts saying good morning beautiful
Right now I'm just playing things by ear but starting to accept that my marriage is probably over. Going to miss my step-daughter but it's not my fault.
*update 4*
Still nothing happening I'm trying to avoid talking about it so it doesn't sound like I'm digging for information. Never noticed before but she does take her phone everywhere with her and keeps it in arms reach. Earlier today she was showing me something and wouldn't let me hold it myself to look. I may just be looking into it to much now. Anyone know a good app I could put on the phone that would have no chance of her finding? Its a galaxy s3.
*update 5*
For those asking the app is perk tv.
*update 6*
Morning guys/gals so nothing much new to update on. After sleeping on it last night I've decided I'm talking to her today if she tries to lie to me I will let her know that I already know. Actually going to be doing this while I'm at work instead of in person to avoid a physical conflict because she has tried to get violent before. Will continue to update.
*update 7*
Unfortunately nothing new yet. Wife isn't responding to texts or a phone call yet. Possibly still asleep as she stayed up late last night.
So to pass the time since I'm bored at work maybe a little extea story as someone mentioned that she is obviously a dependa which I never considered before and thinking of it now that is 100% right she contributes nothing to the marriage or household.
She will say she wants to finish out school for about two days then stop.
There has been a history of this ex trying to hit on her that she told me about in the past and I asked her to stop talking to him because obviously he was being inappropriate. She said she would do that but as we can all see now she hasn't.
At one point thus ex was also in the same branch as me and I told her I would get leadership involved if she wanted me to so he would stop. She said it wasn't necessary snd I'm starting to think I know exactly why.
More to follow as it comes. I'm not even hurt at this point just pissed off.
*update 8*
Just asked her who's coming she said her friend Victoria.......
*update 9*
She is now saying that Victoria was supposed to be coming with her boyfriend's friend so thats why she wants her to stay with her at the strip.
*update 10*
I told her we should all have lunch before I let her loose on the town and she agreed. Think I may need to let this play out further.
OneTimeUseTwice: If she was cheating on you, why would her ex write "Is Im_so_confusd ok with this?", that makes no sense if they where fucking, but would if they where not.
MyR3dditThrowaway: Ex has different ideals from the wife? Maybe he doesn't want to cause problems?
[deleted]: more than likely he will sweet talk his way into ruining a relationship you dont know the motives until its to late sometimes. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
MyR3dditThrowaway: True enough. A bit of experience on that one, on my part.
Wife friend tried something like that. She was open and honest with me the minute it started and shut it down quickly; she made it clear she didn't want any part of it and was actually creeped out that he thought of her like that. He popped back up recently; a "changed person, more grown up, truly sorry for over stepping his bounds" and barely a week passed before he was trying to sleaze his way back into her pants. She forwarded all the stuff to his wife; told his wife the next time he contacted her she was going to the cops, blocked him on everything from social-media to her cell phone.
[deleted]: thirsty ass people out there makes want to do this: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
PleaseRespectTables: ┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)
[deleted]: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ ︵ ╯(°□° ╯)
PleaseRespectTables: ┬─┬ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)
[deleted]: (╯°Д°）╯︵ /(.□ . \)
PleaseRespectTables: -( °-°)- ノ(ಠ_ಠノ)
[deleted]: (╬ ಠ益ಠ)
why the fuck are we doing this LMAO?!?!
٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶
| 12 | 42.416667 | |
1406478815 | 1406505597 | t3_2bv7xg | t5_2to41 | 25 | [deleted]: TIFU by not Being Careful While Using the Urinal
TIFU while shopping at a local mall.
I had just purchased a white tee and a pair of shorts, just because I had a gift card to dispose of.
I felt a heavy bladder since I had a large (venti, grande?) drink from Starbucks, so I went to the washroom.
I placed my shopping bag next to the urinal, unzipped my zipper, and started to do my business. It felt amazing. How amazing? So amazing that I shut my eyes and tilted my head back. Guys will know what I'm talking about.
Mid-urination, something didn't seem right. I heard a gentle rustle to the right of me, curiously close to where my shopping bag was.
I looked down and, to my horror, I had been double streaming the entire time. One stream into the urinal, one stream into my shopping bag. My tee was soaked, as was my pair of jeans.
Before I could think of what to do, I just threw it out due to embarassment, regardless of the fact that I was alone.
Going to be a LOT more careful now at the urinal.
TL; DR - I accidentally double streamed into my shopping bag while using the urinal.
[deleted]: Jeez people are so judgmental here! I didn't throw them out because I thought it was dirty, it was more because the embarrassment of what just happened made me panic.
Yea I know I fucked up by throwing them out, hence why I posted it in this sub haha.
rob_var: lol its ok OP i totally understand, i use to work at a retail sporting goods store and was on break. I go to the restroom right before having to go back to work and i usually take a piss in the toilets cause I've been a victim of splashbacks on those urinals anyways I open the door and I see shit everywhere and a pair of underwear on top. To this day I always wonder about the guy who shit his pants and just took off his underwear and left.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1406482646 | 1406599840 | t3_2bvdid | t5_2to41 | 66 | PulpFictionIsMyShit: TIFU by letting my fiance take control while riding
This happened a year ago, but I was just reminded of it and think it's worthy.
Last February 14th, Valentine's Day, my fiance had planned a perfect day. We went to Red Lobster, he bought me lilies (my favorite flower) and was pretty wonderful the whole day.
On the way home I offered him anal (which we hadn't tried yet) because it was such a great day, he accepted, but we had to stop and buy lube.
We stopped get home. Not even five minutes in the door and we're in the bedroom. He lubes up and instead of anal. I get on top, after a good while on top, he grabs my butt, holds it, and takes control from the bottom.
Only problem, we were pretty slippery... Next thing I know I am in serious pain and crying and he is telling me he's sorry.
He had slid out and literally rammed himself into my ass. I bled and walked awkwardly for a few or more days. Also had to go to the doctor, where they gave me medicine to help with the pain.
TL;DR: Had Valentine's Day sex with fiance, wanted to try anal. Instead we do cowgirl and he ends up making me cry and also make me bleed from my ass.
ADuckNamedPhil: "On the way home I offered him anal (which we hadn't tried yet) because it was such a great day"
Okay, that sucks and all (I have experienced exactly that and there is not a lot that compares to that kind of pain), but did anyone else notice the fucked up sexual economics here?
PulpFictionIsMyShit: Maybe I didn't type that right.
Him and I are really open with eachorher. He'd wanted to try anal, I didn't know if I did. But we'd both had a good day so I suggested we try it. It has nothing to do with how much time or money or things I'd gotten. I just suggested it because we were both in a good mood because of the events of the day itself.
ADuckNamedPhil: "in a good mood because of the events of the day itself."
Nah, I'm pretty sure you had it right the first time.
jrandom_42: Maybe if I plan and execute a Perfect Day (tm) next 14th Feb, my girlfriend will offer me anal, too!
Or, y'know, I could just go pay a hooker for it right now.
I think women who turn sex into a transaction don't always think through the implications.
ADuckNamedPhil: Ahh, but will the hooker make you a sandwich and iron your shirts afterward?
jrandom_42: I bet most hookers would be very happy to do precisely that at whatever their usual rate is.
ADuckNamedPhil: Okay, very good point. I'm with you on the hooker thing.
| 8 | 8.25 | |
1406483640 | 1406589299 | t3_2bvezf | t5_2to41 | 6,365 | c842: TIFU by recording porn of myself when I was a teenager and then forgetting about it
About 10 years ago in my horny teen boy years (14-16) I used to go online to chatrooms or webcam sites to get off. I was also bi-curious and talked to other boys and probably men. I decided to record some videos of myself and send them to people online. My parents just got a new video camera and gave me their old one. It was one of those pre-digital, cassette tape kinds. So I took all these very raunchy videos of myself, jerking myself off, spreading my ass, cumming onto myself, putting things up my butt etc. It was after that I realized I had no idea how to upload the film onto my computer. So I just forgot about it. Years passed, I went to college, moved away, became a normal adult, etc.
This weekend I've been at my parents house for a family gathering including aunts/uncles/grandparents. Yesterday after dinner I was out in the yard playing soccer with my younger cousins while most of the adults were inside watching old family videos...... After a couple hours I go inside into the living room and see my uncle has rigged up that old cassette camcorder to the TV. Immediately my memory is flooded with my nasty antics, my heart hits 200 bpm. My mom must have dug it up when I moved out and saved it. I quickly look at the screen. It's my sisters high school basketball game. I try to remember if I destroyed the tape. I must have. How could I not? The basketball game cuts to a family vacation to a lava flow field. My dad making goofy faces and me being a moody twat. I cringe at my too-cool-for-this behavior. Uncle presses fast-forward, blurs of black-gray rock formations fly past, then abruptly transitions into a fleshy mass of humiliation. It's hard to make out what's going on but I know instantly. My uncle presses play; I die inside. There I am, laid on my back, legs raised up against a table, pointing my underage dick at my face beating off and moaning. "Oh goodness" said grandma. "What the fuck" said everyone else. I put my hands up to my face and wished that an asteroid would hit right where I'm standing.
Meganisium: You probably should destroy that stuff ASAP, it's pretty illegal.
Shabobi: If you record yourself as a minor and still have the footage as an adult, can you still be charged even though it's yourself?
Edit : As the numerous replies have pointed out, the answer is yes.
VicariousWolf: Yup. Welcome to America, friend.
Karmaisthedevil: Most places I imagine. It's to prevent abuse. Zero tolerance for CP might be the one thing I can agree with.
VicariousWolf: You do realize there are grey areas in everything, right?
Someone takes pictures/videos of THEMSELVES as a teen, and with what you're saying, they should be arrested for possessing pictures/videos of THEMSELVES?
If that's the case, there was no victim. There was no rape. There was just a person like OP who forgot about something dumb they did when they were younger. With your logic, OP should be in prison and be a registered sex offender.
Child porn laws were meant to protect children, infants, and prepubescents. The law has not caught up with technology. The law is not black and white. You can't possibly say every single situation is the same, and if you do, you're not only ignorant, you're stupid.
Karmaisthedevil: The problem is the children in CP are heavily abused, and would likely say that it was their idea when persuaded. They could very easily be manipulated to protect those who forced them to make the CP.
Hence, zero tolerance, or there would be tons of CP floating around with noone to prosecute. Shit, you could take pictures of youself under 18 and send it to someone, and then they could get in trouble, but not you because its a picture of yourself?
In what way do you see a work around for this??
i didn't say it was fair, I said it was necessary.
VicariousWolf: Child porn unfortunately includes teens. Your claim that every 'child' is abused is wrong. I know plenty of people who have sent self shots to their boyfriends/girlfriends when they were teenagers. I can guarantee you they weren't abused, they were just horny teenagers.
Your idea that no one would be prosecuted because of technicalities and grey areas is ridiculous. I, nor anyone else is saying that any pedophile can make an excuse and get away with making/sending cp. I'm saying that there are TEENAGERS who are sex offenders for sending/getting pics from their partner who are the same age as them.
The sex offender registry and child porn laws were made to prosecute and punish pedophiles, not a bunch of teenagers.
It's a good thing you aren't the judge of every child porn case.
You'd no doubt send 16 year olds to jail for sending dick pics to their girlfriends.
Karmaisthedevil: Yeah, I'm the kind of guy who would kill the 50 hostages in order to take down the terrorists threatening to wipe out a city. I'm the guy in films who is supposed to be the "good guy but an asshole" while the main character single handedly saves the hostages and kills the terrorists.
Collateral damage, that's all it is.
If reddit wants to continue downvoting me for my opinions that's cool.
VicariousWolf: What you're saying makes no sense and is not relevant to the conversation whatsoever.
You're not being downvoted for your opinion being given, you're being downvoted because your opinion is immoral.
Karmaisthedevil: Hah, immoral.
Biggest bullshit I've heard. Yes, I'm sure the law is immoral, if that's what suits you. Perfectly fine to downvote people for saying some thing that doesn't agree with your own moral compass. It's in the reddiquette too.
What my previous comment was is called an analogy. Locking up a few stupid teens is better than having lots of children abused. If they are old enough to take nude pics they are old enough to know it's illegal.
VicariousWolf: I'm not saying the law is immoral, I'm saying YOU are immoral for willing to lock up teens for sending nude pics of themselves to their boyfriends/girlfriends.
Putting away teenagers for being teenagers will somehow stop pedophiles from existing and stop child porn from being made? That's what you're saying. How does locking up teenagers prevent child porn?
Nothing you say makes any sense whatsoever.
Karmaisthedevil: > YOU are immoral for willing to lock up teens for sending nude pics of themselves to their boyfriends/girlfriends.
And yet that is what the law does. Laws created by people much smarter and educated than we are.
I am making sense, it just seems it is going over your head. Read my previous points. If it is legal for teenagers to make CP of themselves, there is going to be more CP, the fact it is illegal will stop many from doing it. How is that not obvious?
VicariousWolf: You're not making sense. You're saying you'd throw horny teens in jail for being horny teens. Also good job going on my profile and downvoting everything I ever posted. Real mature.
Karmaisthedevil: [Puh-fucking-lease.](http://i.imgur.com/E7UCTWd.png)
I downvoted one comment because it seems you're not listening, and asking questions I already answered. Maybe your posts just aren't as moral as you hoped?
| 15 | 424.333333 | |
1406483920 | 1406484461 | t3_2bvfe4 | t5_2to41 | 95 | Kartaram: tifu by eating a centipede during a job interview in an attempt to impress the interviewer.
It was actually yesterday, not today.
I was in the middle of a job interview and I noticed a medium-sized centipede on the wall. I don't know exactly why I decided to do this, it was more of an impulse that made a lot of sense at the time. It was a desire to impress the interviewer, to showcase audacity, to stand out, etc.
I pointed at the centipede so the interviewer would see it, and I snatched my hand out, scooped it off the wall, tossed into my mouth, chewed it up and swallowed.
The interviewer actually shouted an obscenity and she leapt away from her desk, then left the office. A moment later she returned and asked me to leave.
[deleted]: Why would you do such a thing? What was this job even for? I don't think eating a bug would help in any job.
Kartaram: It's an office job.
[deleted]: That's mind blowing to me. Probably not a good idea for the next one you're going on.
| 4 | 23.75 | |
1406484043 | 1406496168 | t3_2bvfl7 | t5_2to41 | 92 | [deleted]: TIFU by not going further into my friend's house
A little backstory, I'm 40 y/o mayor of a village/small city in Moravia region in Czech Republic. After work I decided to go visit my old friend because he was about to celebrate his 50th birthday so I wanted to discuss some plans for this celebration.
I came to his shop (he owns a grocery shop right next to his house and since he works here as well I thought that he'll probably be there). The shop was open but no one was there, I yelled his name but no one answered. I went to his house next door after that, same story, windows widely open (it's pretty hot in here these days), main door unlocked. I went in, yelled his name again but still no response. I thought it wouldn't be appropriate to go further into his house because he's been divorced for a few years now and he could have a lady there or something and I didn't want to interrupt. 'I guess I'll go there tomorrow', I thought.
Next day, I'm at work and I got a phone call from him. I answered it but I couldn't hear anything but "Bhmmmhrhhrhhh" and I didn't get any words from him. I immediately called an ambulance to his house and I went there as well on my own. The ambulance and I arrived at the same time, we found my friend in his living room near phone, unconscious. They transported him into a hospital nearby and then they transported him to Prague since he wouldn't get that good care in the local hospital. He died 2 days later though.
When I first came to his house he was probably lying there somewhere where I couldn't see him and he couldn't answer me. Then, it took him few hours to get to his phone and call me. If I would go further into his house, I could have found him a day earlier and maybe save his life.
Tl;Dr - Went to my friend's, didn't find him. Got a weird call next day from him, called ambulance . Discovered that he'd been there whole time but just couldn't answer me, ambulance took him to hospital, he died 2 days later.
omfgitskenneh: Sorry for your loss. If your religious, he's in a better place, happy. Not worrying about counting inventory.
On a side note; What if you did go in; he was well, and in the bathroom or seeing a woman and that unfortunate illness/condition happened during the night. You can't really "what if" or "if only I" yourself in this situation.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss. Take care.
Alienmantis: *You're
n1ggeritis: Shut up
Alienmantis: I'm sorry for your loss. It must've been hard for you. It was just something i noticed. Didn't want to be mean :)
| 5 | 18.4 | |
1406480993 | 1406506671 | t3_2bvb0k | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU by accusing my mom of cheating on my dad.
Lately my parents have both been out of the house more due to their very busy work schedules. Regardless of that fact, I started to realize that my mom has been out of the house way more frequently than she had been. This normally would not raise any red flags in the back of my head had it not been for my sister, but we'll get to that. My mom's schedule is way more hectic than my dad's, and she is usually called at random times to go to work; these are basically the economical situations that we've had to endure for the past couple of years.
Anyway, we were at a social gathering with my entire family (mom/dad/sister/relatives), when my sister randomly pulls me aside and starts to talk to me about texts that she had read from my mother's phone. Now, let me say that although I'm a very weak emotional bitch I still care about my family. My sister basically tells me she had seen text messages from someone "unknown" that were sexual in nature. Me being the gullible bitch I am gobble it up and begin to get all paranoid and shit. Regardless, I tried to play it cool and continued to enjoy the rest of that night. I ask my sister to reiterate once more if she was SURE about the things she had read, and she said yes.
Come next morning my dad was out of town for medical reasons and I wake up to my mom not being home. I essentially text her and ask her when are we going to be eating and stuff, and she says she's out with a "friend". This only added to my paranoia and I basically respond with "I know you're lying to me". She calls me and asks what the fuck is going on, to which I respond that my sister has told me about those text messages on her phone. She became livid at that point and rushed home to talk to me and my sister.
Once she's home she asks what the fuck was going on, to which I begin to sob like a little bitch asking her if she was cheating on my dad , and again she becomes livid. If anything she blamed my sister for going through her texts and she explains the reasoning for those texts. Apparently one of her co-workers was sending her these texts even though she had clearly told him to stop. This was definitely something that I was not aware of. I had to sit there for a good 3-4 hours and endure yelling/screaming of how I could question her loyalty to my father after all of these years (about 30+ years of marriage); needless to say I fucked up.
For the next couple of days I could barely look at my mom due to the sheer embarrassment. Not sure if my sister even realizes that it was her fault but whatever.
TL;DR: Accused my mom of cheating, she wasn't; hell broke loose, now it is awkward. No, my dad doesn't know about these accusations, good thing they're not true.
U2CH: Calling bullshit on your mom.
* If they are unwanted texts, why didn't she block the number?
* If she told the co-worker to stop, why didn't she present the texts to HR/management?
* Why does this co-worker have your mom's cell number anyway? Usually businesses where employees need to keep in contact have issued mobiles.
* If it was a misunderstanding, why did she need to escalate the conversation so dramatically? A simple "Those are texts from a douche that's harassing me." over the phone or later when she got back would suffice. Her actions sounded like damage control.
[deleted]: Honestly, ALL the points you presented can be argued against. This happens much more frequently than it should. I'm not going to draw this out, but many times, people don't take it as seriously as they could have, most people don't know how to actually block a number, etc. You would know this especially if you've worked in the HR department.
U2CH: Yeah, I was thinking her story checked out until the hysterics got started. I've worked as management for a few places and *I've seen people do some dumb-ass shit* like this and worse. Depending upon upon the industry, where the OP's family lives, all of that seems legit until the accused starts cutting social engagements with friends short to explain something that could be handled with a few words during a phone conversation *you are already in the middle of.*
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1406484899 | 1406513310 | t3_2bvgwf | t5_2to41 | 15 | Rift_: TIFU by giving away my address and not thinking
Doing my work as a busboy, being friendly talking to people. The usual rush came by and I was full of stress and tired. Eventually the crowd whittled down and was once again, allowed to speak to people about how the food and service was. One really large group came by and I was their primary server. Small talk here and there led to them asking for my address and from that small talk, were able to get my address since I was so careless.
What gets me nervous is the fact that they'll be coming by my house sometime to "talk" about their brochures and only realized, JW.org stood for Jehovah's Witness AFTER I actually thought about it. Really nervous and am going to get SCOLDED by my parents and don't know what to do. By the time I thought about responding to them and saying "please don't come to my house" they were long gone. Worse comes to worse, they'll repeatedly continue to bother my family to convert, but we don't have an interest. Now, posting this to vent it all out... the nervousness stuck in me is killing me and I am usually just friendly about my life but now... just.. terror...
I_Rike_Reddit: First of all: quit being a fucking asshole. JW's are no better nor worse than your religion. When they come, make it VERY clear that your family does not want to ever be visoted by them again. Your adress will be put on a list and all future JW's will avoid your house.
Rift_: thanks for the wake up call! i already got over it and thought of it properly this time around after work ended. its not as if they're out to get me, but all the external influences made up what I basically wrote at the time of posting.
they're people too and are extending their hand to others. i am open to learning about other religions or beliefs, but don't have an interest practicing their beliefs. sorry if I sounded like an asshole and depicted them as monsters. they are people too afterall
I_Rike_Reddit: You're welcome.
I personally dislike most Christian religions, but as an exJW I can honestly say that they're doing their best to do what the Bible says.
Just remember what I said. They have a list for houses that don't wish to be visited.
Rift_: alright thanks for the advice! you got down voted on your original post b/c you yourself sounded like one for a bit but it hit me differently so no worries!
I_Rike_Reddit: Thanks :)
P.S.
They aren't *supposed* to curse, so if one does feel free to ridicule him/her.
| 6 | 2.5 | |
1406481625 | 1406513025 | t3_2bvbzk | t5_2to41 | 196 | loadblaster: TIFU by reading TIFU
Throwaway account
I woke up this morning with horrible painful constipation. I mean call in to work, cant come in, cannonball stuck up my ass.
I ask my wife to go out and get some exlax or anything that will open the floodgates. she comes back with 3 different types of laxatives! Hallelujah! all 3 down the hatch.
shes watching x-files in the living room while i lurk reddit. i then come across TIFU for the first time...not that i have never seen a TIFU but this was the first time i really spent time on the subreddit.
After 3 hours my stomach gurgles ITS GO TIME MOTHERFUCKER!!! Never has a shit been so blissful. done wiping up but im still sitting there in the moment as my blairs ultra death ridden asshole cools off.
Still on TIFU i come across this post ( http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1xf4d6/tifu_by_underestimating_my_typhoon_vagina/ )
now its been a week my wife and i haven't had any snusnu because its that time of the month. so im reading the post and click the link. pretty sweet DP indeed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).
i start to fiddle the flesh flute. damn feels good! about to cum when i think that i cant do it in the bowl...what if my dick touches shit water! so i get up and rush to the sink to let off my load. just as i get to the counter top i have the best overdoe orgasm ever! i shake and lose balance. WHAM! forehead right into the medicine cabinet mirror! forehead properly cut open as i scream bloody murder!
wife walks in. smells like cream of shit. boner dangling in sink. face covered in blood.
TL;DR TIFU made me cum bleed and shit in the worst way possible.
pegasus_urethra: I believe that there are far worse ways to cum, bleed, and shit.
GamesinaBit: http://imgur.com/NOECI0s
Fershick: Risky click
| 4 | 49 | |
1406486028 | 1406498742 | t3_2bvioi | t5_2to41 | 35 | Morbidius: TIFU by finding a lost cellphone.
I found a lost cellphone on the street, picked it up to get it back to its owner. The phone had a password in it so i assumed i had to get thru that to get a call from the owner or to find any way to give it back, so i restore the phone to factory defaults. Later on the owner calls me and we set up a place for me to give him his phone, so now i'll have to put on my pokerface while i give him his phone on factory defaults.
I'm such a dumb cunt for trying to help, i always fuck things up... why the fuck couldn't it just leave that fucking phone alone.
eatmyflakes: Don't be so hard on yourself. The dude's gotten his phone back. He should be glad. I'm sure he has it backed up somewhere.
Jimmacle: After reading so many stories from /r/talesfromtechsupport, I wouldn't be too sure...
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1406483047 | 1406711150 | t3_2bve3n | t5_2to41 | 6 | TheSecretSoul: TIFU by traveling alone.
Dear redditors i need your pity...
It all started yesterday when i had to drive from stuttgart (where me and my bf study) to wiesbaden (where my parents live) on my own. Usually my SO drives and i tend to sleep so i never see where we're driving. I wanted to use the navi but he said i'd manage without, it's only two turns to the autobahn and then i can just follow the signs. He showed me the turns on my mobile navi and i set off.
At the second turn my navi suddenly spoke up and said i had to take the same turn to the autobahn but in the opposite direction. I was confused and listend to my navi - a mistake. Appearently both directions work, but the one my navi brought me to made me stand in traffic for 3 hours without moving a cm. As i can finally drive on i'm on the left lane driving 160kmh - baaam - massive crash sound. Turns out some piece of my exhaust pipe broke through. So i had to drive another 150km with 90kmh. I couldn't drive any faster otherwise i'd be deaf now. Imagine the sound of 150 kmh in gear 1.
Then my SO started joking that if i manage to fuck up that easy ride i would also manage to fuck up my flight today. Saying that was mistake no. 2.. I'm sitting at the airport right now, while my bf is chilling in portugal already... my flight is 3 hours late and i'll miss my connecting flight. Appearently they don't pay the night in the hotel but i should get back the money for the next flight...
Tl; dr a 2 and a half hour drive took me 5 hours because i didnt listen to my bf and i broke my exhaust pipe. Now i'm sitting at the airport waiting for a delayed flight and i'll miss my connecting flight - while my bf is chilling in portugal.
Update: I'm in the pool atm so i've obviously made it there ;) and after complaining a bit they put me into a taxi and brought me to hotel intercontinental and picked me up again the next morning and oc payed for all of it. All the people were wearing suits and ties and long dresses, i arrived with a handbag full of stuff and in my jogging trousers and a tank top, but who cares :D i felt like i owned the place because i could run around how i wanted to and still got treated like a queen haha
otterom: Female, by chance?
TheSecretSoul: Well yeah but i mean apart from that i didnt check the traffic the rest was just bad luck? The exhaust pipe just happened to break as i drove the car and i can hardly influence the flight plan..
otterom: Right on. Somewhere on this thread I posted that I was kidding, but that was downvoted, too.
TheSecretSoul: Ah yuh just found it below.. didnt take it seriously anyway, i was just like wtf and wanted to hear how you explain why it was my fault :D
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1406486534 | 1406504103 | t3_2bvjfd | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex in an overgrown parking lot
My girlfriend has strict Catholic parents and my parents are always home, making our sex locations quite limited. In the past, we've tried the back of my car, but I'm quite tall and my Honda Accord doesn't accommodate my height. Her car works best, but on Friday we went out in my car.
Out of options, we packed up a sleeping bag and walked up a hill to an parking lot nearby. It's been abandoned for quite some time now, but until recently, it was mowed and taken good care of by the lot's owners. Now, the grass and weeds are over a foot high. Nevertheless, we layed out the sleeping bag and get to work.
The past two days, I've seen countless mosquito and spider bites appear all over me. My girlfriend's having the same problem. I'm on vacation at the beach and I look like a damned leopard with all these spots.
TL;DR: Forgot bug spray
Edit: Grammar
Unshavenhelga: Probably chiggers.
T_at: Half Chinese, half African American?
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1406487331 | 1406536307 | t3_2bvkng | t5_2to41 | 70 | Maxiix: TIFU by smoking meth. NSFW.
**OKAY...**
*(sighs)*
Basically it starts with me talking to my friend from kindergarten, telling him I've tried meth before. He's told me he's wanted to try it before, and I told him it wasn't worth it.
So I invite him over yesterday to stay the night and he brings dab and lots of tree. We roll a fat blunt and smoke that to the face, then take two dabs each and head out to our friends house across a very bad town at 10pm. We meet up with our friend and smoke about eight dabs each, and about nine bowls to the face from his bong.
I'm sitting in the back of the car flipping my shit because I'm as high as a kite and they pressure me for at least 20 minutes straight telling me to keep hitting it. I tell them no, but they get upset. So I just keep going until we left at about midnight.
Right as we turn the corner my friend turns to me and says, "I laced the weed with meth." and *laughs.*
I was mortified. I couldn't believe he did that. I was yelling at him and just freaking out, I couldn't feel my legs, and was gagging a lot. He kept trying to say he was "kidding."... but when we finally got to my house, I looked in the mirror. Sure enough, my pupils were like the size of dimes. About twenty minutes after that, I throw up blood. At this point, I'm going insane. I take the liberty of telling my other friend that we smoked laced shit, and he responds, "I'm going to kill you and your friend, you have two days"
This just hit fucking harder than anything else at that point. I freak and call one of my close friends that's really good friends as well with the one who said he wanted to kill me.
I tell him to sort everything out so I *don't* die.
Now, my friend walks into the room I was in, and tells me...
"Hey man, I'm going to start heading home..."
Yeah. He was going to ditch me. Because I was acting that way. Because I was scared. Because I OD'd.
So he leaves on his bike at about 2:30am, and lives in a different town. So he bikes to his house which is roughly 45 minutes away on bike.
So I sit in my house, in my room, in the corner, consoling myself, due to the fact **I was the only one home...**
And that's how I fucked up. Today I'm feeling a bit better, but god...
TL;DR - I smoked laced weed, OD'd, threw up blood, was threatened to be killed, was ditched by the person who gave me the weed, and was left up from 2:30 to now with no sleep.
carbonnanotube: Stop doing drugs and you will not find yourself in this position again.
Also, what the hell were you doing driving while doing drugs? That is beyond irresponsible.
Maxiix: I wasn't driving...?
carbonnanotube: Sorry then, I interpreted that as you driving a car from "going around the corner".
Still though, laced drugs are how one of my uncles started a fairly quick spiral down resulting in prison time and the destruction of all of relationship with his family for quite a few years. (He has since cleaned up and started over, but as he tells people who ask him about it, if he could go back it is not something he would do again).
Maxiix: It's alright.
I know, it's terrible. I've taken b12, b3, vitamin D, and vitamin C to help.
HunterSDrunkson: I read somewhere a lot of vit C can kill an upper high
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1406488425 | 1406498246 | t3_2bvmdh | t5_2to41 | 95 | tinga14: TIFU by being oblivious to the dangers of carbonated drinks
I had just finished some leftover gyro meat from the night before's dinner, and decided I needed something to drink to top the meal off. I wanted something a little more tasty than water, so I decided to combine some sparkling water and orange juice. I poured both the ingredients into a Contigo water bottle like [this](http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/cm/goodhousekeeping/images/sb/ghk-ContigoAddisonWaterBottleBlue-mdn.jpg).
Here's where I majorly fucked up.
I shook up the contents hard and then, when I was satisfied, pressed the button to pop open the cap. All of a sudden, a literal fucking GEYSER OF CARBONATED ORANGE JUICE ROCKETED INTO MY EYEBALL. It shot out with at a shocking speed for a solid 5 seconds and I was screaming "OH GOD UGGGHHHH" and stumbling around the room. When the chaos settled down, the results were a terrible pink eye, sticky kitchen (which had just been moped), and half my drink wasted. I'm typing this holding a wet washcloth to my left eyeball and contemplating taking a shower.
The drink was still pretty tasty, though.
Neddy93: Alright guys, replace anything related to "carbonated orange juice" with "semen."
>when I was satisfied, pressed the button to pop open the cap. All of a sudden, a literal fucking GEYSER OF SEMEN ROCKETED INTO MY EYEBALL. It shot out with at a shocking speed for a solid 5 seconds and I was screaming "OH GOD UGGGHHHH" and stumbling around the room. When the chaos settled down, the results were a terrible pink eye, sticky kitchen (which had just been moped), and half my SEMEN wasted. I'm typing this holding a wet washcloth to my left eyeball and contemplating taking a shower.
The SEMEN was still pretty tasty, though.
ParisianZee: Amazing.
| 3 | 31.666667 | |
1406488005 | 1406497029 | t3_2bvlq8 | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex NSFW
This story actually happened a few years ago and thought It would make a good story. I will try to make it brief. Ok, So I was at this party and was very drunk.Girl here...there was this cute guy. He had been drinking too. He yells out. I'm going to fuck you. I laugh because I didn't know him. I just laughed and said haha right. Everyone new I didn't drink much and I was inexperienced. The guy goes outside to goof off with friends and comes back an hour or so later. He ends up kissing me and says the words "you kiss better than my girl friend." I should have ran away at that point. Things got hot and heavy and I remember thinking this is fun.
Before I knew it all of our clothes were off and he penetrated me. He pulled out and said you bleed on my dick. I looked down at all the blood on the mattress. My first thought was I must have started my period. I ran away and demanded my friend buy me tampons. I was used to having irregular periods. I didn't think anything of it. I realized I was changing a super tampon every 10 minutes. I had bleed through My tampons and my jeans. And even another pair of jeans. I called my mom to pick me up she wasn't even there till 5am. The incident occurred at around midnight. Once she was there I had to tell her I had sex and was bleeding uncontrollably from my vagina. which was aqward enough. She said "oh honey, it's your first time. Just take a bath in epson salt. You'll feel better." While She was running the bath I had to sit on the toilet and pass golf ball size clots of blood from my vagina. Then I sat in the water till it turned red. Finally mom called her friend that used to be an EMT over and he said If shes dizzy take her to the ER. Finally they took me to the ER. The ER i went to could not figure out what was wrong with me. They packed me up with gauze and all kinds of stuff and gave me saline for the blood loss and put me in an ambulance to go to the women's hospital. Where they had to do surgery on my cervix. When I woke up they asked me If I wanted to press charges against the man that did this to me. I remember thinking no it was consensual. The only sex talk I had been given was wait till your married and we'll talk. I don't know if his parents had talked to him.
I just wished we had been more informed. Well I guess we learned these lessons the hard way.
I don't know if he knew what he was doing. I had never even seen a penis before I didn't even look at his before he put it inside me, apparently he was 12 inches. Which is huge, I didn't know how big they were supposed to be. And come to find out I had a bleeding disorder.
TLDR: I he just shoved his large penis inside me and I wasn't ready and busted my cervix.
TheLawlessMan: "With the amount of physical and emotional damage this guy had caused me. To this day I still don't know what to think." My god... You were rational enough to know he was also drunk, think he was cute, figure out that things were "hot and heavy," and feel bad (for 2 seconds) about him having a girlfriend.... At this point I think guys that take the risk of hooking up at parties with chicks they don't know are retarded. I doubt he meant to send you to the hospital (see: physical) and people are not sex offenders just because you have to tell your mom you had sex and be embarrassed (see: emotional damage). If he didn't hold you down after he figured out you were bleeding he did not cause you any physical pain.... You know what... I am done. This is ridiculous. Its like trying to speak to a brick.
If there was more to this then I am sorry but from what you have said you just sound like a dumb young lady that does not realize how serious sexual assault allegations are and how they affect real victims and the accused...
smokinporch: Talking to a brick omglol Oh the irony
TheLawlessMan: You say that but I don't think you know what the word means...
smokinporch: Lolol troll xD
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1406491161 | 1406493300 | t3_2bvqlq | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering my girlfriend in the shower and then she spontaneously busted into tears. Like crying tears.
smokinporch: First guess is someone touched her in the shower when she was younger (y).
shroomigator: That would be my guess. You may have triggered a flashback.
| 3 | 2 | |
1406488371 | 1406585205 | t3_2bvmam | t5_2to41 | 42 | ButtholePlungerz: TIFU by letting the cowgirl get on the horse
Happened almost a year ago but I read a relatable TIFU that reminded me of it so I want to share. I was with my ex at the time and I always used to sneak into her house at night without her parents hearing. We did this a lot so we were pros. I get in and we go to her room which is right next to her parents room. Again, we were pros so everything was easy.
We get into bed and start cozing up and eventually making out, clothes flying off, and then get down to sexy time. Now usually when we have sex at her house, we only do a couple positions that we have found to be the quietest due to her loud bed. Missionary, doggy, and spooning. This time however, she asks to get on top. I hesitate but tell her to be quiet. She says okay so we go for it.
Everything is going good for the most part. Bed is quiet, she's quiet, I'm quiet. It's quiet. But then she starts getting louder, the bed is getting louder. She's about to have an orgasm and it feels like a big one. I don't know if it's the thought that were doing it secretly or if it was just the perfect spot, but she speeds up fast and is doing big strides. Eyes closed, biting me, biting the bed, moaning, and then all of a sudden... SNAP!!
No, not the door opening or the bed breaking. But my penis. She went a little too far with her stride that my dick came out and then when she came back in, it didn't go into the whole but essentially stubbed some part of her down there. The force of her stride made, and I swear to this day, the sound of a twig breaking. Begin crying of me.
The pain was absolutely horrible. Thinking of it right now makes him (my dick) crawl into a hole. She's apologizing like crazy while I'm just rolling around in bed biting my shoulder not to make noise. I thought my dick died that day. I was ready to have a burial service for the big guy.
I'm really just losing my mind when all of a sudden we hear a door open. It's her parents next door. We lost track of time and saw that it's the time they wake up for work. So now, I'm trapped in my girlfriends house with a dying dick. She tells me to hide under the bed because they usually pop in to see her before they leave. So I have to go along with it because the last thing I want is for her parents to see me in their daughters room grasping my dick with tears flowing down.
I'm under the bed for about half an hour when we finally hear them leaving. My gf is continuously trying to make me feel better but I'm not having any of it. I know it was an accident but you still need to be careful! I eventually leave and a little later in the morning, my dick starts hurting. Not surprised so I iced it as much as possible for about a day or two until it felt normal again. I was so relieved it stopped hurting but the experience left me psychologically unable to have sex with her for about 2 weeks.
It took many blowjobs and careful, slow sex after that to finally make it normal but I still cringe to this day about the day I thought my dick broke.
Tldr snuck over to gf's house, I let her ride me, she lost control and broke my dick, spent an hour crying, two weeks sexless
_marshmellon_: I'm a bartender and I was reading this on my computer at work and had like a 5 minute laugh attack. All of my customers were like wtf man and I was just like "uh cat videos"
[deleted]: Oh you know the usual, just a cat beating up a wiener dog!
_marshmellon_: Haha exactly! Nothing to see here guys, nothing to see.
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1406490705 | 1406496272 | t3_2bvpwa | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost having sex with a childhood friend of mine (NSFW)
It started yesterday (Saturday) when she invited me to go clubbing with a couple of her friends. At first I was a bit reluctant to go, but she kept convincing me. Mind you, we have been friends since I was around 5 years old.
I got to the club, met her outside and in we went. I could tell she was already tipsy from the drinks she had at one of her friend's house, while I was completely sober at that time. So we started with a strong drink (2 got me pretty fucked up). It was one of those redbull and various liquor/vodka mixes.
Anyhow, as the night at the club went on she started to get more touchy, and then the eye contact started. Mind you, I had never truly made out or anything beyond that point, ever (I just finished high school). After I realized she wanted to kiss me, we finally made it happen. And so the night went on, with lots of making out. Not much talk after that.
I threw up before leaving the club, and felt pretty awful and embarrassed (come on, how were those 2 drinks so strong? I could've taken 6 vodka shots and not be as fucked up). She still suggested we go to my place, and she knew I wasn't feeling too well. We got a taxi and reached my apartment.
At the common area in the reception, we started making out more. I told her I'd be right back as I wanted to wash my face in the bathroom. I was feeling better at that point. Then suddenly she opens the bathroom door, comes in, and shuts the door behind her. She sits behind me, and starts touching me all over while I'm just massaging her legs. A little more making out, and then I realize she's reaching for my crotch slowly, and I start reaching for her vagina. I begin to finger her as she's playing with my penis. She was pretty wet. I went on and made her moan until she told me to stop. She asked if I had a condom and I said no. She really seemed to want it since she asked me if I had any upstairs in my apartment. So since sex was out of the question, we just played a bit more.
We left the bathroom, made out a little more and she called a taxi. We kissed before she went in and off she went.
An hour after she left, she texted me asking if I was feeling better and apologizing for anything that might have happened tonight. I told her there was no need to apologize for anything, and then she told me she still wanted to see me before I leave town in 4 days.
Today I woke up at around 3 PM and it seems like she deleted her Facebook. Haven't gotten any more texts from her yet. I'm pretty sure she regrets what happened, and I have no idea how to feel about this. Would majorly suck if I actually lost a long-time friend, though.
**UPDATE:** Texted her asking how things are, if she's feeling well etc. Since then we've been slowly exchanging texts for about 3 hours now. Mainly small talk. She did playfully ask if I had postponed my plane ticket yet. Also send me a pic of her and me at the club yesterday. Still unsure how our relationship will be affected by this.
Insomniak69: You didn't have sex because you did not have a condom? Bro tip: pull out.
I doubt she didn't want to hook up with you, unless she was seriously blacked. Don't worry yourself, friends go through this
splodgethebun: Dude it's pretty easy to get pregnant from pulling out - pay attention in sex-ed.
Insomniak69: Why keep condoms if plan B is only $50? Brofist!
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406491753 | 1406554584 | t3_2bvrit | t5_2to41 | 39 | tomisme: TIFU by thinking Stephen Hawking and Stephen King were the same person during a game of charades.
I began by acting liking a paraplegic in a wheelchair (Stephen Hawking) and ended by acting out murder scenes from Stephen King novels. Ultimately, nobody guessed the right answer but they were entirely convinced that I intend to murder a handicapped person. Not ideal.
I have no idea how or why I got the two confused. My brain wasn't up to the pressure of charades.
le_mous: Now I can't help but imagine parts of "The Shining" narrated by Hawkins' distinct computerized voice..
"Redrum, redrum"
xshivax: Replacing the kids tricycle with a wheelchair as he trolls through the hotel
le_mous: "All work on the event horizons of black holes and weak vs. strong nuclear interactions makes Jack a dull boy"
Jesus, this needs to be made. If they can do Sharknado 1 and 2, then somebody needs to re-make "The Shining" as though SK was SH.
xshivax: SH being angrily wheeled into the freezer by his wife. "ONE ZERO ONE ERROR 404. LET GO OF ME."
le_mous: Instead of the butler's ghost appearing to him, it'd be the ghost of Richard Feynman playing the bongoes and talking in that [deep New York accent..](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euGp9quNqLU#t=362)
"Well, ahhh.. Stephen. You're ahh.. In a bit of a bind here, but.. I think we can get you out of this.. ahhh, mess."
xshivax: And while he's making out with the creepy dead chick she's leant on his keyboard and it's making the "sticky keys" bleep over and over again.
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1406488296 | 1406497254 | t3_2bvm67 | t5_2to41 | 3 | X10t1: [TIFU] by going on holiday
the___operator: ?
hakucookie: Travel Lodge and Premier Inn are two completely different companies.
| 3 | 1 | |
1406493557 | 1406494503 | t3_2bvuba | t5_2to41 | 1 | PM_ME_MOOSE: TIFU Moderators - Can we please ban these "TIFU by having sex" posts?
blahbablah: Just don't read them?
bdawgsupreme: Good question, although I don't think that you can answer a question that is actually a statement. I'm crying now. :(
| 3 | 0.333333 | |
1406486768 | 1406498911 | t3_2bvjs7 | t5_2to41 | 23 | AspiringTrucker: TIFU by Snarting during my Road Test
So, a little bit about this. It wasn't today, but a few weeks ago, I'm just now getting the ability to write about it. So, as my name here implies, I like trucking. I liked it enough that I knew that it was what I wanted to do when I was done with the military. I lined myself up with a school to help get me my CDL (commercial drivers license) and the school would in turn find me a job afterwards. Great deal right?
So anyways, I'm doing okay in school I think. Not the greatest guy, but hey, I've never driven a standard transmission before so I don't think I'm doing horrible. We are now at the end of our time in the class and the dreaded DMV Road Test is coming up. Naturally, I'm nervous about this.
Fast forward to the road test date. I've passed my written tests and completed my pre inspection of the semi truck that I will be driving through town with a DMV test facilitator. The guy doesn't talk. I mean, he doesn't say anything for any reasons. He just sits there and writes down stuff on his notepad. So we go out driving, and everything is going okay for a while. I get about 3/4 of the way through the drive test when I feel a sneeze coming on. I don't like to let sneezes out so I hold them in (makes a weird mouse squeaking noise at most). I felt it coming on, so I held the sneeze back as hard as I could.....but something else slipped out. Well, I shouldn't say slipped out, it rattled the cab. Apparently I had to fart. I focused so hard on the sneeze that I forgot about my apparent gas. Now, remember when I said that the DMV guy didn't talk? Well, he did now. He made a few laughing / gagging noises followed by something like "Gawdayum". On top of all of this; the truck's air conditioner was out and the windows were up. So I had that going for me as well. I was extremely surprised when I found out that I had still passed my road test and was able to get my CDL.
TL;DR Snarted (sneezed and farted) while taking my road test with the DMV.
shroomigator: it's okay if you shit yourself during the road test. It's not OK if you make the instructor shit himself during the road test.
AspiringTrucker: Truer words have never been spoken.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1406495142 | 1406497109 | t3_2bvwuf | t5_2to41 | 19 | borky47: TIFU by hitting the shot of my life
So today is the day that I was asked to play in a tournament to represent my course that i work at. I do well during the tournament yada yada yada we win. So we play an "emergency nine" afterwards and im coming up to the sixth hole that runs up to the club house where all the guys are drinking and running their mouths at the golfers. So I have a downhill lie off the green with no room to work with about 30 feet away from the pin. To get it close I need to hit a flop shot which is one of the hardests shots to hit in golf. Theyre all yelling at me saying things like "OOooO he's gonna hit a flop shot, no way this gets close." "hey hundred bucks the kid skulls it over the green!".
So I hit the shot and it flies perfectly and lands three feet from the hole. They're all screaming and celebrating because drunk fans love good shots. I'm on cloud nine like fuck yeah, just threw a dart in front of all the members, nice.
Turns out my boss (the owner of the course) made a $200 bet that I wouldnt get the ball up and down (meaning in the hole in two shots). So after I come in to the club house most people are still freaking out about how brilliant this shot was and my drunk boss starts yelling at me about how I lost him $200. He doesnt like to lose a bet. He doesnt give any hint that hes not seriously mad at me while every other guy there was joking about how I lost my job. The guy that won the bet however was extremely happy with me, but didnt throw any dough my way to help out my now jobless ass.
BoredDellTechnician: You win some you lose some. If your boss is dumb enough to fire you over a bet he lost, he will also lose with the unemployment magistrate.
Teotwawki69: Not to mention a potential lawsuit from OP.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1406495368 | 1406496422 | t3_2bvx8m | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a political discussion with Co workers..( I'm college educated and work construction with many people who aren't)
I got a good job to pay for my college nine years ago in construction. . I planned to leave and get a job in my field of study but my union got a big raise and i decided to stay and just climb the ranks of promotions.. I'm now a supervisor and supervise people twenty years older than me. ..anyhoosers this is what happened. ...
I sometimes forget that these guys get there info from the ny post and daily news and most have not read a book since high school. . Most are of the old guard of nyc blue collar labor force a dying breed.. so i said something about Obama being ineffectual and the political system being broken [no matter whose president its the same shit] which opened up a racist tirade of a welfare expectancy immigration and how Obama has made America the laughing stock of the work [clearly opinions they heard somewhere else] i got a bit upset and told them they have no idea what there talking about and how they should read books and what different programs. . Long story short imma a new supervisor and instead of trying to become a team player i look like an elitist asshole... i have to now dumb myself down for the next 5 months ..........
57_ISI_75: Yes, because clearly you are vastly more intelligent than your coworkers and only you know what is correct and the truth without the possibility of being in error. How unfortunate for you to have to suffer daily with all the morons and cretins who DO NOT SHARE YOUR OPINION. Get over yourself, please.
ivandrago0: I assume u read the post as well
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406495067 | 1406496717 | t3_2bvwq9 | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by creating a fake meme about Weird Al hitting #1 on the Billboard charts, and a threesome with my wife and her hot friend.
Sykotik: Dude, no one gives a fuck.
Brennanhuffsnutsack: I know, neither do I.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1406495771 | 1406497943 | t3_2bvxu9 | t5_2to41 | 13 | vitoma: TIFU by getting my girlfriend flowers
I usually wake up first in the morning, and we were out of coffee beans. We had been talking about getting coffee beans from a coffee shop downtown, so I hop on a bus. After getting to the coffee shop and buying the coffee beans, I see the farmer's market that is about a block away. I figure that since it is right there, I might as well derp around for a little.
I came across a huge flower vendor that has bouquets that are much more beautiful than anything I've seen at flower shops or grocery stores around here. Since I hadn't gotten her flowers in a while, I figure that I might as well. I look for a bouquet she might like. I found one that was all pink and purple like she would like (here: http://imgur.com/p3CbnZ5 ), so I bought them.
I brought the flowers home, and put them in a vase and on the kitchen table. At first, she didn't even notice them. When she finally noticed, she seemed to really like the bouquet.
In the evening, when she took a picture of them (the one linked above), she noticed that they had lilies in them. We have two cats, and (as I have now learned) lilies are poisonous to cats. She starts panicking, worried that the cats might eat one of the flowers. The tears start. At first, she picks out the lilies and throws them away. Then, as she intensely Googles all things related to cats and lilies, she decides it is best to throw all of the flowers out. She barely slept at all last night, because she was worried one of the cats might have eaten one of the flowers, or licked it, or had been in the same room as it.
Lesson learned. Flowers, not even once.
PenMos: Is your couch at least comfortable?
vitoma: I'm not sure how this is related. My couch is sort of comfortable. It is a 6 year old IKEA couch and is starting to be not as comfortable anymore and squeaks a little when we sit on it. We are planning on getting a new one within a couple years (or sooner if it falls apart).
PenMos: It was a poor joke alluding to your nice gesture leading to you sleeping on the couch.
vitoma: I find the couch more comfortable to lay on than to sit on, but we both slept in the bed.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1406496024 | 1406496405 | t3_2bvy9o | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by taking a picture of my friend's dick
But that wasn't nearly as bad as his fuck up. I'm sitting out on the porch like 30 mins after him and his girl go to bed, smoking my last cig and finishing up my beer. All of a sudden my friend walks out and sits down. I don't say anything, figuring he's just having a cig too. All of a sudden I start hearing water dripping. I look over and he's fucking pissing all over the porch, sitting down. I don't know if he was holding his dick or what, but it was going far, to the end of the porch.
I was in awe since his parents get pissed about spilled beer, beer cans, ashes etc. being on the porch. I asked wtf he was doing but he didn't answer. I was laughing my ass off. He pissed for like a minute straight and the second he was done, he was snoring. I could hardly smoke my cig, I was laughing so hard.
Anyway, when he was done, I tried to take a pic of him KO'd sitting behind his huge puddle of piss all over the porch, but my phone was still zoomed in from taking a picture of a huge beetle earlier in the night. I didn't notice until morning, but the picture is just him sitting in the chair with his dick still out, passed out.
He didn't remember in the morning, and didn't want to see the picture, so I deleted it. [Here's a picture of the beetle though] (http://i.imgur.com/cuv1XcH.jpg)
foxy1167: Your friend fucked up a lot more than you did.
You deleted the picture, so who knows about it?
dtrmp4: Just us. His mom walked outside in the morning and said "Who spilled beer all over the porch??"
I couldn't help but laugh. He managed to squeeze out "Me, sorry mom"
edit: I realize I didn't fuck up too bad. I just wanted an excuse to post this somewhere.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406496884 | 1406567764 | t3_2bvzpv | t5_2to41 | 213 | formulawild: TIFU by fingering my crush, with my toe, accidentally. (UPDATE)
Well today was not all terrible. I did apologize yesterday after it happened, and she was very understanding. We usually get lunch together during our break, which we did again today. Unfortunately both of us are headed back to different colleges form our home town in a few weeks, so there is not much potential for something serious. Doesn't mean we cant have a little fun in the next couple of weeks though ;) Who knows, maybe I can take advantage of the foot fetish I most definitely caused!
Sorry I don't have a more badass ending. If it makes you happier imagine we had intense toe driven pool sex the whole night. Makes for a much better story..
Edit: Spelling, Original post http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2btt1j/tifu_by_fingering_my_crush_with_my_toe/
Kimbobbins: TIL you can get (maybe) laid by accidentally molesting people with your toes
NSA_List_Manager: ###WELCOME TO THE WATCH LIST
##NSA Watch List Vol.4
| Name | Date of Acquisition | Reason |
|:----------:|:-----------:|:------------:|
| /u/zjaksn| 6/13/14| "It was a mixture of teeth and death grip. Still came."
| /u/wellshit711| 7/27/14| "Wow thats really cool! I'm a 15 year old girl and would sure love to meet you! How about we meet at the park?"
| /u/Pinkie0314| 5/23/13 | "You missed the point... The awful part isn't that I killed somone. The worst part is that I enjoyed it."
|/u/red321red321|4/11/13|"i double dip every time"
|/u/skyman724|7/27/14|"IT'S A TERRORIST ATTACK! THE BOMB'S IN THE SHOE!"
|/u/Kimbobbins|7/27/14|"TIL you can get (maybe) laid by accidentally molesting people with your toes"
Valkonn: Can I be a NSA list manager too? Pleeeasee?
Mr_RedForman: No, you have to molest someone with your toe first.
Valkonn: I already did.
| 6 | 35.5 | |
1406496972 | 1406640047 | t3_2bvzus | t5_2to41 | 5 | el_crunz: TIFU by fence bowling.
Okay so full disclosure this was actually like 7-8 years ago when I was about 18. So, I'm not sure if y'all know what fence bowling is. It's a common activity that youth engage in in my community. Basically you use your body as a bowling ball and destroy people's fences. I feel very bad about it now and I'll never do it again.
Not sure what I'd been up to all day but no doubt it included drinking. I was with my friend and his girlfriend. All of a sudden I saw a pristine fence and it was just ripe for fence bowling. The temptation overwhelmed me. I broke out into a full sprint.
I should have mentioned this - it was about 9 pm in summertime, so it was pretty much broad daylight. I smashed through the fence, took out about 10-15 planks. Immediately I hear "WHAT THE FUCK?!" I collected myself and realized that I had fence bowled right into a BBQ! There were about a dozen people having a pleasant dinner about 10 feet away from my sprawled mangled body.
Needless to say, I booked the fuck out of there. My friends told the folks that they didn't know me. I was never caught.
TL;DR - intentionally threw my body through a fence and ended up in the midst of a BBQ party.
smashedbotatos: You should have said "OH YEAH!" and put up both of your thumbs.
el_crunz: Hahaha I couldn't let them see my face, I lived like a block away.
zennmon: next time be prepared wear a mask XD
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406497376 | 1406553722 | t3_2bw0i4 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by dropping acid.
In an attempt to aid my morning fatigue, I came up with the bright idea to micro-dose LSD in order to gain the amphetamine-like properties without tripping.
I ate 20ug of acid, then figured oh fuck it, lets drop another 80ug. I don't know what my thoughts were here really, in hindsight 100ug is a lot, but at the time I presumed that it wasn't going to hit me that hard. Oh, my naivety. Shit hit me like a corked bottle; took a long time to fizz up but once it did, it exploded. Boy, she was a creeper.
About an hour after taking the tabs, I still wasn’t feeling much, and decided to go on a walk with my family- thinking why the fuck not, I’m not gonna get that high, right? Right? Right? Fuck no.
We arrived at the beach after about 20 minutes, all the while I'd been conversing perfectly fine; then I looked at the sea. Blue filled my whole vision, blue from the sky, blue from the sea. It's at this time that I began to notice a small flicker, a somewhat squiggle if you will, like { } { }, oh neat, I thought, looks like I'll be getting some slight visuals. Slight visuals are always fun.
From this point on I had no fucking clue what anyone was saying to me. Time slowed, shit spun, words jumbled. I was trying to hold a conversation but it's a bit hard when you have absolutely no clue what the other participants are saying.
We returned home, sat in the sun, and then things really kicked in- big time. Too much shit happened visually to recount and this isn't a trip report, so, aside from blowing my fucking mind, my Dad decides it's as good a time as any to repair his car, and hence I get wrangled into helping him. I could not comprehend a single thing he was doing, nor anything that I was doing. The trip was descending into a bad one, and I had no way out of it.
After an hour of torture, I slid away for a piss; finally, freedom! I made it to the toilet and as my fine-ass stanky pee erupted from me, so too did colors, all over my vision. I couldn't see at all because everything was just green, green fucking swirls. To make matters worse, half way through pissing I forgot what it was that I was doing, and my thoughts turned to, the fuck? I’m pissing?
My glorious relief of relieving myself was soon put to an end when my family, as a collective, began asking me to help around the house in every conceivable way. You name it, I did it. The worst was volunteering to help put shopping away, I was taking stuff out the bags and hadn't the slightest clue what they were or where to put them.
After shitting bricks (thankfully not literally), I had a shower to try and clear my head a little, and then panicked because I could hear someone shouting “OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR RIGHT NOW” and my family all screaming “OH GOD”, to which, you know, rightfully gets me even more scared shitless. Realising that they were probably all just in my head, I calmed down, though only a bit.
I could write 50 pages and it still wouldn't cover half the shit I did/saw, so this will have to do. Lesson learned, don't fuck around with acid, especially around your family.
**tl:dr; Took acid in a very close confinement with my parents. Shit got strong, quick.**
atmospherical: Sorry but 100 micrograms isn't thaaaat much. Most decent doses will range from 80-120.
GratefullyMe: 1 hit. Yea pretty low, but can definitely get you nice and toasty!
atmospherical: Oh definitely, Op just phrased it like they went from eating a hit to a strip.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406497615 | 1407410806 | t3_2bw0uu | t5_2to41 | 17 | zDYLANz39: TIFU by scamming an arcade.
Me and my girlfriend use to go to the arcade and sit in the photo booth for about 3 minuets, we would then go out and find a member of staff and tell them that the picture hasn't came out, they would put free credits on for us, we would then use them credits and throw the picture in one of our bags then proceed to say the picture hasn't came out again, which ended in us being given £6 and a free picture. one time a member of staff broke his finger while opening the photo booth, when he closed the booths door he trapped his finger, which snapped.
Me and my girlfriend broke someone's finger for £6 and a picture.
smashedbotatos: Karma is gonna get you.
zDYLANz39: A couple of months later I fell through my front door destroying all my tendons and nerves in all my fingers on my left hand, now I cant feel anything in that hand and one of my fingers don't move properly, Karma already got me.
malkovichjohn: Are you for real?
zDYLANz39: Yes i will upload pictures if you like
| 5 | 3.4 | |
1406497600 | 1406507842 | t3_2bw0ty | t5_2to41 | 5 | Dylek: TIFU by checking my car engine
This happened about 2 hours ago.
I was driving to see some co-workers down on the beach. 10 minutes into the drive, my car starts over heating pretty bad. So I pull over, turn the car off for 15-20 minutes to let it cool down a bit. I then decide to see if I've lost any coolant (I've had problems before). So for some ungodly reason, there's still an incredible amount of pressure. Right when I loosen the cap my coolant gushes everywhere. All of it.
All over me.
And it's hot. Really hot. My left eye, the whole right side of my head, and my left arm are pretty irritated, but it doesn't seem severe. My eyes were closed when it happened luckily (thank you reactions). I added more coolant and drove back home since I wasn't that far and took a cold shower just standing there letting the water hit the burns for about 30 mins. The pain is going down as I type this, so I'm pretty sure I'm in the clear. Although I'm also pretty sure I'll be smelling that sweet smell of Anti-Freeze for about a year.
Edit: words
KoNP: Go to the doctor. Radiator fluid under pressure is usually hotter than the boiling point of water due to the anti-boil additives. Your burns could be much more serious than you realise.
Dylek: The pain is completely gone now, do you think I should still go?
Edit: Just for clarification, while the pain is gone, there is very little redness on the burnt areas. It's been almost 4 hours and no blisters either.
flash-me-now: No blisters = no worries
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1406498495 | 1406499498 | t3_2bw29v | t5_2to41 | 62 | JMenzie: TIFU by letting a stranger use my phone
This happened around a year ago but this sub revived a little memory of mine…
Walking back home from the local store a middle aged man pulled up alongside me in his car, looking worried and frustrated. After winding the window down he said that he was ‘looking for a friend’ and asked if he could borrow my phone. I hesitantly obliged after he got out of the car and gave me his keys to prove he wasn't going run and I handed him my phone.
He began using my phone and tried to ring his ‘friend’ several times but there was no answer. The guy handed my phone back and gave me some cash for helping him. As we went our separate ways he shouts back at me “if she calls back tell her X’s phone has died and he is looking for you”. Looking back at my phone as I was walking away I noticed this dude had actually just called a prostitute – he had googled the girls name and pulled the number from a site. So basically, I was awaiting a call back from a random prostitute in which I had to tell her where the fuck this guy was.
TL;DR Allowed stranger to borrow my phone, calls prostitute.
Zappagoosh: Did she ever call back?
JMenzie: Fortunately no, that would have been one awkward call
Zappagoosh: Seems like the guy really cared about her. You didn't really fuck up at all, just a nice person and helping others.
| 4 | 15.5 | |
1406497862 | 1406625677 | t3_2bw19b | t5_2to41 | 485 | [deleted]: TIFU by using my girlfriend's kindle to watch porn. NSFW
Tifu bad. So, this morning (sunday) was my girlfriend's turn to get up early with our 5 month old child. We take it in turns to get up early at the weekends so we both get some sort of lie-in, and she was up today around 8am. Usually, when it's my turn to sleep in a while, i doze for an hour or so. When i'm ready, i take out my iphone, kick off my underwear, find some porn, and blast one off.
Today was different. I usually charge my phone overnight, but strangely left it downstairs last night. My phone had less than five per cent battery life, which was not battery enough for me to splash one out (i need ten per cent minimum). I cant do it without porn thesedays, but even so i tried to flop my semi around for a good twenty minutes or so. No good.
Suddenly, i realised my girlfriend's kindle was in the room. Im not familiar with the interface (it's actually useless!) but clumsily figured it out. I got onto a leading porn website, chose some generic lesbien stuff, and flapped one out. I was barely halfway theough the video.took off a sock before ejaculation and managed to aim my load in there. Pressed the button to turn the kindle off. Popped that lil baby back on charge.
Fast forward until early afternoon. Girlfriend's family were over for lunch. The conversation between my girlfriend and her mother turns to jack reacher novels. My girlfriend mentions she has the most recent one om her kindle, and will show her mother the first few pages so she can grasp the plot and maybe buy it herself (paper copy, my gorlfriend's mum is very technophobic) . My girlfriend hands her mother the kindle and presses the on button at the top. The lesbien porn comes right on the screen. I still have not realised what is going on. Girlfriend's mum goes 'sara what the?' and simultaneously taps the screen. The video continues from where i fapped, volume and everything. Confusion erupts. Her mum - why the hell have you handed me porn? Her - why os there porn on my kindle? Me - why do kindles just automatically load the last app you had open? Her dad - he's been twazzling on the kindle i bought my daughter for xmas.
Basically, my girlfriend pleaded ignorance, oonvinced her mum it was a virus. They're still here in the house, so Im sure ill get a roasting later when the parents have gone home.
Tl:dr used girlfriends kindle to stretch one off, didnt cover my tracks, girlfriends mother turns onkindle over dinner and the porn video plays from where i stopped it.
fundayz: Really? You watch porn and don't close the tabs?
hiawatha07: Damn straight. Incognito, tab close, exit browser, close all open apps, reopen browser, check tabs, close all apps, go on with the day.
420CARLSAGAN420: Android Chrome will automatically close incognito tabs after a minute or two if the device being on standby or another app being used.
n1ggeritis: No it doesn't? I leave tabs open for days and they never closed
420CARLSAGAN420: Really? Only normal tabs stay open until I close them for me, incognito tabs close pretty quickly if I don't have chrome open (like 2 minutes).
n1ggeritis: What phone do you have? Maybe your phone doesn't have the power to run chrome in the background so it closes it. On my phone If I close the app in the background then the tabs also go away
| 7 | 69.285714 | |
1406499451 | 1406503117 | t3_2bw3qu | t5_2to41 | 3 | NotAModder: TIFU by liking a girl
iTrollYhu: how were you to know?
NotAModder: If you are asking how I knew, via news.
iTrollYhu: I meant how were you supposed to possess the knowledge prior to the awkward conversation
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1406497856 | 1406502955 | t3_2bw190 | t5_2to41 | 34 | cygnus193: TIFU by revealing to my fiancé that I've been faking orgasms for nearly 7 years
It started when I was 17. I was a virgin, completely inexperienced in the ways of sexual arts. The only information I had came from porn. I faked that first one and he seemed SO excited and happy about it, that it made me feel happy as well.
I figured, well it's not quite working for me, but I'll fake it until I make it.
Only, I started to fake multiple orgasms to match what I had seen on the internet and what I've read in romance novels. This is where I dug myself deep into a hole I couldn't escape from. I can't orgasm more than once an hour, let alone 3+ times in 20 minutes. I had to keep up the ruse, because if I went more than a few minutes without coming, he'd figure something was wrong.
Many nights I was too distracted with making it appear I was enjoying myself, that my actual enjoyment was forgotten. This year I went back to school and our schedules were hectic. I did not have the energy to put on a performance and our sex life dropped off dramatically.
I decided I had to tell him, because quitting my charade cold turkey would tip him off anyway. If I had been faking ONE, maybe I could've rectified it, but it's impossible for me to have multiples.
He's not terrible in bed, despite what he (now) thinks. Though 99% of the orgasms were fake, I have gotten really close most of the time, and on many occasions have actually reached the big one. I'm really excited to finally have an open and honest sex life with him, because I know it can be great!
But he's absolutely crushed. I've never made him cry, and it absolutely broke my heart to have caused him so much hurt. He says he feels like an absolute failure. I've tried to explain that it really is all my fault, that I never gave him a proper opportunity to learn my likes and dislikes. I fed into his "sex-god" persona, where he could (almost) do no wrong.
Anyway, we've been together a long time, we have a child, we've got plans for our future and I'm afraid I fucked up big time.
At least he laughed when I told him he's the best I've ever had (he's the only man I've ever had!)
tl;dr: told my fiancé I've been faking multiple orgasms for our entire relationship, he's not sure he'll be in the mood to try for a real one for a while.
steezyvape: Just make sure you don't fake one ever again, either he will notice the difference, or he will just question every single one.
And definitely communicate what you do and don't like so he has a fighting chance.
cygnus193: It's the only redeeming thing right now, the fact that I will never, ever again pretend to be enjoying something I'm not.
I was honestly ready to get started last night after I told him, but he very obviously needs some space. Neither of us slept well.
steezyvape: Well yeah, I mean you shattered his entire sexual ego. It's gonna take some time for him to come around to wanting to try again.
One thing that might help, is that now after 7 years of relationship, you guys get to re-explore each other and find out what actually works. Almost like a reboot on your sex life. But it's definitely gonna take him a while to get over it and expect to have to reassure him a fair amount.
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1406499913 | 1406514723 | t3_2bw4gh | t5_2to41 | 4 | livernbits: TIFU by telling my favourite prof's daughter how much I love her mother.
I am in university. I have this prof I have a prof crush on - in the sense that she is super intelligent, personable, articulate, knows her shit, and I want to be just like her in the field (let's call her Dr. Stone). This is common, most people in my program adore her. Dr. Stone has taken note of me, and has offered to allow me to take other classes she is teaching (without paying or getting a grade) because she thought I would enjoy/benefit from it. This makes other people envious because we all love her.
Anyway, there is this other girl in my program as well - let's say her name is Anita (it's not). Anita is quiet and keeps to herself, and we often talk about how we have left our assignments to the last minute, how much we hate a specific class, or soccer. I was sitting with my friend Betty (not her real name) and Betty and I were talking about how much we love Dr. Stone. Betty was like "OMG I wish she was my mom" and I was like "OMG I know, then we would be so smart and beautiful". We then talked in length about how we wish we could be half as awesome as her when we graduate and work. Anita happened to be sitting behind us. A few days later, I asked Anita what classes she was taking next year (we have to take 2 classes out of an option list of 8) and I proceeded to tell Anita how much I wanted to take this one class because Dr. Stone was teaching it, and how I love her and how smart and helpful she is and how I could learn so much from her. Anita just smiled and didn't say anything.
Fast forward to a few days ago, I find out that Anita is actually Dr. Stone's daughter. I remember asking her a while ago if she was related (she has the same last name and looks like her), but she looked uncomfortable and said she wasn't. I found out by a friend who is friends with Anita's brother on facebook, and there is a picture of Anita with Dr. Stone in Trinidad with the caption "the Stone Family!".
TL;DR: My favourite prof's daughter is an acquaintance in my classes and I have accidentally told her multiple times how much I love and admire her mother. I picture her going home and telling my prof "pretty sure all these chicks in my class want to fuck you or something. One of them even said they wish they were me".
Teotwawki69: You probably got that reaction because she's heard this plenty of times from other students -- and I'm guessing that Anita isn't in any of her mother's classes, so she's probably thinking two things. One: Yeah, I grew up with her, she's not so fabulous at home, and two: I wouldn't know, I can't take any of her classes.
I doubt that she ran home and told her mother that you want to fuck her. She probably just filed it away in her "I hate you" databank. And, even if she does tell her mom you were raving about her, that will just help you in the long run. So TYDNFU.
livernbits: Ok, this makes me feel a little bit less awkward.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406498032 | 1406551308 | t3_2bw1ji | t5_2to41 | 82 | TheMomerathOutgrabe: TIFU by injuring myself with a dildo, but not the way you'd think.
This was actually a couple of years ago.
My BF at the time purchased a dildo online that had a suction cup on the back, I presume to allow for doggy style self-pleasure. I never tested it out in that regard so can't confirm.
He was in a grumpy mood so I started trying to stick it to various parts of my body, like chest, arms, etc, but ultimately the only place it would stay put was the middle of my forehead. I yelled something about being a unicorn and began prodding him with my ridiculous purple horn, but could not manage to coax a smile. He was just annoyed by my antics.
The horn fell off a couple of seconds later. He went to the other room, and when he came back in a few minutes, he burst into laughter. That's right, I had a GIGANTIC deep purple bruise on my forehead, the exact shape and size of the suction cup. I'd say the diameter was about 3". I think I have a picture of the bruise saved SOMEWHERE.
I think we had to meet his incredibly conservative, church-going parents that night for dinner. There was no hiding this bruise with any amount of makeup. I lied and told them (and my coworkers the following week) that I had gotten hit by a baseball walking down the street.
TL;DR- Pretended to be a unicorn with a suction-cup dildo, got a gigantic bruise in the middle of my forehead and had to lie about it to BF's religious parents and my coworkers.
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: This is commonly referred to as a dick hickey (not to be confused with the other "dick hickey" which refers to a hickey on a dick), or dickey for short.
TheMomerathOutgrabe: ...this happens enough to have a term for it?!
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Cheewii: asian degdeg face?
| 5 | 16.4 | |
1406503399 | 1406512047 | t3_2bw9o3 | t5_2to41 | 33 | sullylicious: TIFU by having sex with my best friends sister.
So she's in town visiting for a couple days and we've all been hanging out for the last 2 days when shit started to get heavy. Well last night on the ride home from a local bar, she starts rubbing my leg, so drunk me thinks game the fuck on. We proceed to get back to her brothers house and the brother and his wife go straight to bed, leaving the 2 of us on the couch "watching tv." Well shit gets hot and heavy and i guess we both ended up passing out together, naked and on the couch in the living room. now after a short sleep 10am rolls around and i wake up slightly, and realized what the fuck happened, wake the sister up and we both commence in cleaning up our mess hopefully while the others sleep. Brother wakes up and comes into the living room as were cleaning and almost instantly finds a jizz stain on his couch.... i left VERY shortly thereafter.
on the plus side the sex was the best I've had in a while....
Fallen0001: And?
sullylicious: i took off, went back to my dorm to sleep a little more. tried to call and no ones picking up any calls on the house phone or the cell phones.
[deleted]: You love in a form and your best friend is married....what age are you?
sullylicious: im 21, my friend is 24 and his sister is 20.
edit: she said she's 20 but she was at a bar with us so either has a fake or lied to me....idk haha
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1406504530 | 1406668626 | t3_2bwbex | t5_2to41 | 19 | gotadrunkpenis: TIFU by drunk snapchatting
well i'm probably not the first and I'm pretty sure I won't be the last. But yeah so i'm on vacation/work-abroad and well finally decided to wind down and have fun. so pop some bottles and decided to drink my night away also happen that i was watching HBO specifically "Spartacus" so it was pretty much hornyville the entire night and my phone just happened to be handy. So you guess it I took a picture with the caption "This is for Sparta" with my full dick in the shot and apparently sent it to all my contacts. Thankfully not my story but not like that makes it better. Anyways the worst part was there's about a 10 hour time difference so while i'm drunk and sending dick pics at 2 in the morning its bright sunday afternoon and people are having post church lunches and opening my snapchat in public. Needless to say when I woke up I was very much alarmed by the notifications I had gotten wondering what I had done (hungover dont remember shit). All culminating with a voicemail from my mom (who i still haven't called back yet). yeah its gonna be a long week.
Kid_Icarus42: Any time any of them say "This is messed up" or "This is disgusting" or anything of the type, just yell,, "No! This! Is! SPAAAAARTA!!!" and kick them in the chest.
Problem solved
[deleted]: Yeah you know, just *casually* kick them in the chest like it's normal.
Kid_Icarus42: Is it not?
| 4 | 4.75 | |
1406506136 | 1406507986 | t3_2bwdww | t5_2to41 | 13 | fedupmanager: TIFU by honking at a jerk in an Audi who cut me off
The dumbass immediately slowed down to 20 km per hour and started waving then he sped up and immediately slowed down again. On the highway on-ramp he continued driving 20 km per hour while his dumbass girlfriend hung out the passanger window laughing and taking a pic of my car.
funny how it's often the dumbasses of the world who get offended when they screw up
jl_snorlax: Reckless endangerment and careless driving tickets come top mind...
QuantumPanzer: > come to mind...
FTFY
But you and Popeychops have the right idea, report him/her/them to the police. I'm sure driving 20KM/Hr on a highway could probably get them at least a warning notice in the mail or something. Then again, I don't know. I'm not a cop.
jl_snorlax: Many states, Alabama comes to mind, have speed minimums as well. Limit of 70, min of 40
| 4 | 3.25 | |
1406506433 | 1406527474 | t3_2bwedh | t5_2to41 | 128 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a joke to my landlords.
So I have been trying to adopt a dog for a while now. But in my building, permission from management is required. To get that permission, I need a doctor's note; the dog has to be a disability or therapy dog.
So I walk in to their offices and show a very nice lady my note. She begins to go through some of the special rules and restricted breeds. She then asked me what specific purpose said dog is for. This question was clearly just personal, off the cuff, to satisfy her own curiosity.
No problem. I tell her the dog is for psychotherapy. She looks at me with a bequizzled (is that a word?) face, then mentions that it is strange considering I seem so well adjusted. I then reply with what I consider to be a brilliant response:
"Well, looks can be deceiving. Actually, when the sun sets, I put on a tight yellow leotard and fight crime as Banana Man, defender of produce and shopping carts."
I delivered it **PERFECTLY**. Straight face. I did not crack.
Neither did she. In fact, she seemed concerned. You could actually see a pep in her step as she filed the right paperwork and made copies and such.
I have learned that there are certain people you want to impress. One example, your boss. Another, your landlord. Mine think I am a fucking loon now.
Edit: After reading the post from the guy who recorded himself beating off, I feel way better about myself. Thank you Bicurious Man, destroyer of video tapes. Ya win some, ya lose some; good luck.
Edit 2: To add insult to injury, both the shelter and management are denying me the ability to adopt the dog I wanted. I need this dog for my therapy. But they have defined a therapy dog as something different. That is bullshit. They have defined my therapy for me, not my doctors. Fuck this place.
d3gu: >mentions that it is strange considering I seem so well adjusted
All kidding aside, that was pretty insensitive of her. People can be suffering from anxiety/ptsd/depression etc and seem pretty damn normal to strangers. Telling someone the 'seem well adjusted' is just unfair - did she just expect you to go, 'Oh damn, yeh, you're right, I'm better now', or did she want you to break down and give her the juicy details?
[deleted]: Either way, the correct answer is not "I am Banana Man"
Releventcomments: That is the only correct answer though
| 4 | 32 | |
1406504070 | 1406518400 | t3_2bwaqs | t5_2to41 | 32 | bobmarley9: TIFU by not getting a hint...
Well actually, it was last night. I was at a field party with a couple of my friends. The party was pretty cool. People come pitch tents and stay the night out in this old farmer guys field. There was a bondfire, music, booze the whole 9 yards.
Anyway later into the night I'm a bit drunk and I start talking to a attractive girl from one of my classes. I've had a thing for her for a little while. We start making out and she asks if I want to go to her tent to grab another beer. I look at her. Then my beer bottle. Half full. I told her a was alright for now and thanked her for the offer (I thought she was just offering me beer). She pretty much just walked away after that.
:(
mfw she called me gay for the rest of the night.
le_mous: So.. Because she's unwilling to clearly articulate her wants and because of your silly mistake in understanding a double entendre, she calls you gay?
I dunno OP, sounds to me like you dodged a bullet.
bobmarley9: You're probably right. Still. Coulda got laid bro.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Doesn't
Matter;
Could've
Had
Sex
| 4 | 8 | |
1406506886 | 1406560973 | t3_2bwf3v | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU: By not using peer block while I downloaded torrents using my mother's Comcast connection.
Here is the the list of copyright infringement notices my mom confronted me with.
Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones
Teen Babysitters 4
Asian Anal Assault
Game Of Thrones
I Wanna Bang Your Sister
Pornstar Punishment 5
I Wanna Bang Your Sister
My Wife Caught Me Assfucking Her Mother
Curves On Kelsi- Kelsie Monroe
We Live Together- Cute Couple (Malena Morgan, Eva Loria)
Fuck Your Job - I know that girl (Carrie)
Fuck you , Comcast. Really,truly, Fuck you.
[Proof](http://i.imgur.com/hHKw04I.jpg)
madcatzfight: Private internet access. That is all.
i_pk_pjers_i: PIA is fantastic, I don't know why you're getting downvoted. Perhaps people that don't know PIA is a VPN service?
madcatzfight: I have used it for a long time. For.... Research and stuff.....
i_pk_pjers_i: Yes, I also use it for research and stuff... It's very good for that, and I also have a friend who uses it for that.
| 5 | 15.4 | |
1406508091 | 1406508738 | t3_2bwgt2 | t5_2to41 | 7 | throwawayzzz95: TIFU by taking the virginity of my girlfriend
PM_ME_UR_BIGBOOTY: Idk but that story was a little rapey...
theyquack: Yeah, I was going to say... I think today you fucked up by taking advantage of someone who was in no position to give consent.
throwawayzzz95: no lol it wasnt rape, she was at a party drinking tons of alcohol while other people hooking up all around and we'd talked a bunch of times before
throwawayzzz95: and also we kissed
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406486293 | 1406594281 | t3_2bvj29 | t5_2to41 | 5 | TheGr8KimJOngUn: TIFU-By hooking up with a girl..
Halfway through the day yesterday my friend snapchats me asking if I want to attend a mutual friends High school grad party. So, having nothing else to do I decided I would go. Skip forward a couple of hours and we're at the party. And the first thing I notice is that alcohol is very easy to get as there was an unguarded keg in the garage and adults were giving out bottles of hard liquor like it was candy. Fast forward a few more hours and all of us are sitting in the hot-tub smoking cigars while people came around pouring shots of vodka down our throats and the girl (in title) and my friend that we came to the party with sits right next to me and puts her leg(s) up on mine and every once in awhile I would feel her brush her hand on the inside of my thigh, so, already being a little tipsy the idea pops into my mind that maybe she wants to have a little fun. So as the night progresses I stick pretty close to her looking for an opportunity to drink more and see what happens. This is where I Fucked Up, we had been cut off for the night but the friend of mine that I came to the party raided the bar and found a handle of vodka... Her and I drank Half of it on our own, then proceeded to drink copious amounts of wine. It was about then that I began to feel as if I was going to puke, so telling her this she drags me behind a tent so that no-one else would see me throw up. Around here my memory gets pretty fuzzy and I cant remember much of it, so this is what i was told happened this morning. Apparently for hours we were behind this tent and I was naked, we were hooking up, my friend told me he could see my feet through the tent go back and forth. They were chanting "go thegr8kimj0ngun" for a while. The girl I was with realized today she had massive hickeys on her neck and body. All of the people at the party went inside leaving us outside alone. People continued to check on us to make sure nothing bad happened. I was told for about ten minutes I was sitting on a cooler naked. Somehow after all this I stumbled inside with her and my friend took care of me, because I was insanely drunk to the point of not breathing and shaking because of hypothermia. When i woke up i was told that my underwear was behind the tent, which doesn't make sense because I don't wear underwear with a bathing suit. So, normally I would have shrugged the night off like hell yeah! Had some fun, fucked bitches, but I cant help but feel terrible for the girl I was hooking up with is the on and off girlfriend of one of my best friends and he has Insane amounts of feelings for her, also, I may have lost my virginity and been to drunk to remember ANY of it... :c
tldr hooked up with a girl who is my one my best friends on and off girlfriends, who he has insane amounts of feels for; i could have lost my virginity, but was too drunk to remember any of it.
Greasy_bacon25: Damn dude. Does your friend know?
TheGr8KimJOngUn: not yet hopefully he never will, but a lot of people know about it
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406487435 | 1406579833 | t3_2bvktd | t5_2to41 | 12 | tinybubblesinthewine: TIFU by being distracted by my own smartassery.
Throwaway Account. He is a Redditor.
I was on a first date. Everything was going well, we hit a few bars, had a few drinks and when the night seemed over (the bars are closing), he invited me back to his place.
He is giving me a tour of the house and starts talking about all of the landscaping he has done in the backyard. I asked him if I could see it, and rather than look through the window, he starts to take me outside through the garage. As he opens the garage door, I notice that he has, in fact, backed his car into the garage (we have previously joked about single guys who back their cars into the garage). I am in the middle of saying a smartassey comment about the car when BAM!
Having been in the middle of an attempt at humor, I did not realize that he had stepped down into the garage. I totally missed both steps, falling in pure Stumbelina fashion to the concrete below. At the time, I felt really injured. Like I've broken my pride AND my ankle. After figuring out it was just a toe and knee injury, he took good care of me and did a fabulous job of distracting me from my injuries until the wee hours.
Only 2 of his elderly neighbors witnessed me leaving at dawn, carrying my shoes in a limpy stride of pride.
akhilman78: Barely a fuck up. More like a good story you can laugh at, later on.
tinybubblesinthewine: maybe...definitely felt like a fuck up yesterday when I had to sit around with my foot propped up! Sprained toe, random scrapes and bruises all over the place, injured ego...
akhilman78: Chill, bro. All's cool.
| 4 | 3 | |
1406510266 | 1406512825 | t3_2bwjyr | t5_2to41 | 5 | kaunix: TIFU by smashing a egg in my sister's face.
So heres some backstory. Im on holiday with my family and we are just trying to have fun and annoy each other at the same time. Today me and my sister have been pranking each other alot and she is pretty good at this shit and i want to just prank her one time hard.
In the first few weeks of this holiday, my mother thought it would be a good idea to do some shopping. So she bought alot of shit, including really really bad rotten eggs. (She now regrets buying this). So these untouched eggs have been sitting in the cupboard for over 3 weeks now. My little sister thought it would be a good idea to get one of these eggs out today and just annoy us with it. I took the egg of her and i came up with a brilliant idea. Sister comes out of toilet, i smash the rotten egg in her face. Im pretty happy at this point.
My sister is always cool with this shit and she would usually just laugh but this time she ran back in the toilet and locked it. I was concerned but at the same time i was laughing and being a jerk. She comes out of the toilet and shes red as fuck. Turns out she just did her eyebrows and my sister is pretty sensitive to this kind of shit. She had a reaction all over her eyebrows and her eyes are very red. Now everyone in the house wants to kill me and im still being a jerk about it but still really concerned.
TLDR: Smashed egg in my sisters face, she just did her eyebrows and had a reaction to it. Everyone hates me now.
I would take a picture if i could but she is really pissed off with me and she wants to go sleep.
hhaammzzaa2: Fake and gay.
kaunix: nice to know.
HerculesMeow: It's okay, I appreciated your post
kaunix: Thankyou.
| 5 | 1 | |
1406510235 | 1406552802 | t3_2bwjwz | t5_2to41 | 3 | drummergeorge4life: TIFU by telling a girl I like her
So senior year in high school we talked, I told her I liked her, I even got her a potato. Wrote her a poem, she said I had a chance. Prom season came, and I got into a bad accident so I was unable to ask her to Prom. A few months past, and I decide why not? So I message her on Instagram this big ass essay describing why I like her, It's been 6 hours and she hasn't replied. I'm a fucking creep. I went to the gym and got my mind cleaned out. Fuck that bitch, college starts in 2 months.
smashedbotatos: That's the spirit!
drummergeorge4life: That was my last, "WTF" moment. Never will I ever do that again with a female, fuck that shit. It's 100% balls deep next time, no more playing mind games.
CUNTASAURUS_REX: So you're gonna get her 2 potatoes?
drummergeorge4life: Not now. It's over. College starts in 2 months, and I'm dorming.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1406511184 | 1406618273 | t3_2bwlcs | t5_2to41 | 308 | cooliomandog: TIFU by taping my butt hole.
I have had a rash in between my butt cheeks for 2 weeks and counting, I workout and sweat a lot and thought it was merely a heat rash. Living in a 1950's garage apartment in south Texas with only window units and zero insulation I thought it has to be a heat rash but it got me thinking... My sisters friend hooked me up with a sweet office chair that was not being used anymore from his government job. I used it right away, after about 2 days I developed a intense red rash on the outskirts of my butt hole. A military friend of mine was in town visiting (a new graduate with a ASCP certification) mentioned it might be a parasite that I got from the chair called pin worms. After spending a mere 1-2 rough minutes on the wiki page [pinworms](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinworms) and one Google image search I was convinced I had them. My friend explained the pin worm hatches it larvae on the outskirts of anus and doctors check by putting clear scotch tape on the outside of the anus and rip it out exposing the white larvae on the clear tape. Turns out the only tape I had was heavy duty commercial duct tape... I was desperate for a answer for the cause of the rash. So after I got out of the shower and dried and I stood in my bathroom, cheeks spread with a piece of the duct tape. I placed the tape on my anus and pushed down to set it. I grabbed the edge of the tape in shock it was like a million pins pushed through my ass, in pain I knew the hair on my ass cheeks were coming out with it... I stood in the bathroom for 10 minutes breathing deeply trying to pysc myself out, kinda like when you pull off a band aid from a sensitive spot on your skin. My legs where shaking like a new born baby deer, I finally ripped the mother fucker out, looking at the tape despite the excitement of seeing any larvae all that I could see was coarse hair in a huge ball from my newly fresh heavy-duty duct tape waxed anus.. I went to the store later today and got jock itch medication and it feels better and already seeing improvements, today I fucked up.
gojirakitty1122: Omg I'm dying laughing at this. You did a WebMD search didn't you? I'm surprised it didn't tell you you had cancer, it's always cancer.
HunterSDrunkson: I hate Web MD. I've had colon cancer, liver cancer, epilepsy and diabetes in the past 3 months
DR_McBUTTFUCK: When in actuality, you only caught the gay, which is very treatable.
HunterSDrunkson: Yeah, I've been prescribed 100mb of lesbian porn 4 times a day
Sibire: But... But that's also gay, just with women.
HunterSDrunkson: As soon as I posted I knew someone was going to realize this. If I say straight porn "you're still looking at a penis huehuehuehuue"
tembrant: Solo?
| 8 | 38.5 | |
1406511426 | 1406536115 | t3_2bwlqe | t5_2to41 | 181 | DaBooba: TIFU by telling a brand new female co-worker at a job training, "That's my balls."
Just got a new job as a teacher straight out of college and there's a new hire training in a hotel with conference rooms, lecture halls, etc. So the first meeting is ending, just got a new computer, handouts, and other miscellaneous things in the first meeting so I'm fumbling with all this stuff in my arms walking out of the meeting room when I bump into an older female new hire who stopped walking for a second (I'm 24, she must have been ~40). The way I was walking made me go genitals first straight at her backside fairly forcefully. Immediately I go to say, "That's my bad" but I'm trying to sound more professional now that I have a job, so mid sentence I try to switch it up to, "That's my fault." My mouth proceeds to say, "That's my balls" before she can even turn around. She, along with ~5 people within earshot, reverses and looks at me like, well, like I just rammed my nuts into her ass and said, "That's my balls."
The teacher's lounge is going to be a minefield this year.
Sergy0: Did you try to cover it up afterwards?
tsengan: Cover his erection or the awkward silence?
Sergy0: Both?
| 4 | 45.25 | |
1406505423 | 1406514271 | t3_2bwcr4 | t5_2to41 | 10 | mhende: TIFU by letting my toddler run the bases at a baseball game.
Yesterday I took my daughter (3 next month) to a baseball game. They invite kids down to "run the bases" which I think means "run around the diamond and end up where you started" but in reality meant "start at first and exit at the gate by third. I'm 9 months pregnant so I was just going to let her run. As soon as I see kids leaving the other side I'm like "oh shit" and start jogging. There's nobody around me running since everyone else got a head start. I'm normally a runner, but I've had pelvic pain issues this pregnancy, and a staff member tells me I have to go faster...so I do, and by the time I catch up to my daughter she's screaming for me in a heartbreaking, terror filled voice (half because she ended up next to the mascot which scares her).
I could see her nearly the whole time, so I wasn't super scared she would get taken (although the third base gate is where someone tried to get me to go with him when I was a kid...he said he knew the baseball players and could get them to sign my glove if I went with him, so that was in the back of my mind a little).
Basically, I looked like either the moron who thought it would be okay to let a scared two year old run around the ballpark by herself, or I looked like the idiot who thought it would be funny to let my fetus run with the kids around the bases...badly. The friends I was with said my belly jiggled as I "turbo waddled" around the bases. People "applauded" me as I went back to sit down...
Jock_fortune_sandals: Where was this?
mhende: An independent league ball game. It's what college ball players do in the summer.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1406512830 | 1406525284 | t3_2bwnx9 | t5_2to41 | 5 | msdough99: TIFU by laughing
Typical evening. Wife makes supper, we eat, I game. After dinner she opened a bottle of wine and proceeded to drink it entirely. I didn't notice.
Daughter goes into her room, and my wife yells at me to come into the bedroom. I walk into the room and see her neked on the bed holding the bottle of lube. That's right. I have made it to the promised land:
Butt sex.
Not having expected this, I hadn't yet 'risen to the occasion', so she starts licking my penis and it starts. I laugh.
And laugh.
And laugh.
For 15 straight minutes, I was laughing so hard that I was choking and tears were streaming down my face.
After several attempts to get me in the mood (failing, and making me laugh harder) she puts her clothes back on and walks out like nothing happened.
tl;dr Laughed for 15 minutes while my wife was offering butt sex
[deleted]: Yet you're going to be so confused and shocked when you find out she's fucking one of her coworkers.
6romperstomper9: Won't be laughing then OP.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406513768 | 1406549035 | t3_2bwpam | t5_2to41 | 8 | TheShrubberyDemander: TIFU by telling a friend we weren't hanging out today, even though we were
I have three really close friends, let's call them A, B, and C. A and I have been friends for a really long time, all the way back to elementary school. However, as of late, even the tiniest things he does get on my nerves.
Normally, whenever we hang out, we text each other the night before. B and I had texted each other last night, but we both forgot to tell A and C until this morning. A didn't respond until after we had already started, and when he asked if we were still meeting up, I said no. He texted B as well, and I told B to tell him my story.
We did a lot of interesting stuff today, and now I'm starting to feel really bad. The next time we meet up is going to be *fun*.
Having a conscience sucks.
JuleTS: Youre in high school arent you...having that many "close" friends could be problematic. Shit hapens deal with it...
TheShrubberyDemander: Actually, I'm going into my third year of college.
JuleTS: Fuck me I wish I had that many close friends now...best of luck but sooner or later someone will turn into a douche and shaft everyone. Best of luck.
TheShrubberyDemander: >but sooner or later someone will turn into a douche and shaft everyone
I'm afraid that might be me.
JuleTS: and then there were fewer...
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1406515722 | 1406527786 | t3_2bwsa8 | t5_2to41 | 121 | adamkavon: TIFU by bringing donuts into the office
I'm a 28 year-old Californian graduate student conducting research in Bangkok, Thailand with the Ministry of Justice. I work in an office of approx. 30 people.
Most mornings people have brought in little things to eat, such as cakes, fruits, etc. I decide to start the "week off right" by waking up early and buying 2 dozen donuts for the office.
I walk into the office this morning, one arm holding donuts, the other arm waving. I'm smiling and saying a loud "Hello!" to everyone. *Every. Single. Person* looks sad, is avoiding eye-contact, and some are crying.
Turns out one of the women in my office had her father slip in the shower this morning and **die.** And here I am, the loud and oblivious American smiling, waving, talking, and trying to get people to eat donuts.
**TL;DR** Tried to bring donuts to work, instead brought donuts to a funeral.
tfyuhjnbgf: You saved the donuts for the funeral?
Do they have any kind of weird donuts there that we don't eat in the states? Like we have cream filled or sprinkles, do they have anything different?
adamkavon: They do!
I bought them at "Mister Donut" which has been selling Hello Kitty-shaped donuts all month. Basically donuts with kitty ears and pink frosting.
The glaze is also POURED on. Like 2x as much glaze as in the states.
tfyuhjnbgf: That sounds super sweet.
PsychoticWhispers: Quite literally.
| 5 | 24.2 | |
1406504288 | 1406576455 | t3_2bwb28 | t5_2to41 | 6 | jbrownell: TIFU by not taking a screenshot.
I'm no Rico Suave by any means. If anything I am the furthest thing from it. I'm pretty shy so trying to start up a conversation with a girl I'm interested in is nerve wrecking. For those of us who live with the struggle, we result on the online dating. I am heavily tattooed, in good shape and apparently not a bad looking guy according to people. I enjoy taking care of myself, but for some reason the girls in my area are impossible to impress. Today I was doing my usual POF browsing and saw an absolute beauty. She was in great shape, had many tattoos like myself, gorgeous blonde hair, just extremely pleasing on the eye in every aspect. Normally I would just send a simple hello, hope your day is well, and hope for a response in return. Today was different. I sent this one particular girl a remotely decent length message just wishing her well and obviously complimenting on how gorgeous she was. Just a few moments later she commented back saying that she liked my profile and I should message her in KIK cause she was getting off there in result of too many weirdos contacting her. I felt like I struck gold at this point. I immediately re-downloaded KIK (I was never using it before hand) and tried signing in, then i got the infamous "KIK has unexpectedly quit." OK cool, let me try again. "KIK has unexpectedly quit." You gotta be sh*tting me. This was the result for a solid six or so attempts so I decided to just try making another profile really fast. Bingo! Why didn't I think of this sooner. I log back on to POF to get her KIK name but our conversation was gone, I could click the thread where is showed I was talking to her but there was no conversation any longer. I try going to her profile, nothing to be found other than her user name. When she said she was getting off there, she literally must have meant getting off there. Thanks to creepy dudes being weirdos; She deleted her POF account which deleted the contents in our thread before I had the chance to contact her. :( Word to the wise, always prepare for a bad situation by any means possible. If I would have took a simple screen shot of her KIK name this would have never happened.
TIFU by not taking a screen selfie when talking to a beauty.
8BitPoro: #1 - She was fake
#2 - POF is also known as Plenty of Failures
#3 - Try OKC and Tinder
#4 - You sound creepy with "hope your day is well or any of that shannagans"
jbrownell: Haha note taken. Appreciated!!
| 3 | 2 | |
1406512237 | 1406524393 | t3_2bwn0n | t5_2to41 | 18 | Wally_Jack: TIFU by starting a lawn mower
This happened a few years back but I remembered the story while mowing my yard today so I thought I'd share. As some background, my family has a few tractor dealerships which I use to work at while I was home from college for each summer. We have two dealerships which are about 30 miles away from each other. One day, someone at our second store bought a lawn mower which we didn't have in stock there so I loaded up one of the ones from our first on a trailer and took it over there. Mower was brand new and cranked up just fine. After getting it all strapped down, I was on in my way.
Little did I know I was carrying along two other passengers under the hood of the mower. Once I showed up at the other store, I got everything unstrapped and sat down on the seat. I turned the key, the engine turned over as expected, and then it happened. There were a few big clangs from under the hood followed by an explosion of body parts. Blood and feathers started seeping out from all under the hood and the vent holes on the side. The poor little bastard was sitting in the engine fan when I turned it on.
Now here is were I messed up. I immediately opened the hood to investigate but I didn't bother turning off the engine. About two seconds after opening the hood and peering over the steering wheel, there was a second explosion of body parts. This time it was a 4ft rat snake which was originally trying to catch the bird. It got wrapped in the fan as well and proceeded to throw random snakes parts everywhere. I caught an entire face full of snake parts. The smell was absolutely horrendous. The guys in our shop laughed at me for a few solid hours. It took forever to all the snake parts from out under the engine. Several showers later, I still felt like the snake funk was lingering on me.
TL;DR started a lawn mower, killed a bird, and got myself covered in snake parts
Unshavenhelga: What mower has an open engine fan?
Wally_Jack: Ones with diesel engines. There is a fan shroud of sorts but its more just to direct the airflow.
[deleted]: Something similar happened at the hydroelectric plant I used to work at in the summers in high school. A marmot crawled into one of the wide mouthed pipe openings by the lake while we had the pipes switched off for repairs. As soon as we turned the water on we hear this *thunk thunk thunk* down the pipe. The problem was that hydroelectric plants work by channeling water into smaller and smaller pipes until the diameter is tiny (like quarter sized) and the pressure is huge. A few minutes later, on the radio we get this frantic call from a worker in the turbine room talking really fast about a pipe exploding. Poor marmot got shot out that two inch wide hose and we had to spend a full day cleaning the turbine and fixing the pipe as a result.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1406517507 | 1406530166 | t3_2bwuzf | t5_2to41 | 9 | Prophete: TIFU By taking a picture
So. I'm a 21 yr old nyc resident and I'm taking summer classes to get my grades up and transfer to a SUNY ( currently in a CUNY). My major is commercial photography so of course one of my classes is photo. The assignment my teacher has us working on right now is walking up to random people and asking to take a photo. Fun right. Now recently my car broke down on me so it was in the shop. I get a phone call that the cars ready and I need to pick it up. So with no better options at hand, I decide to take the trusty NY MTA and take my camera since I'm going to be around a bunch of people. Off we go.
I start once I leave the house and its going fine. As someone that's grown up in NY and knows how tough everyone like to portray themselves, I feel relief when almost all people I approach crack a smile once I begin to ask. Really brought back some faith to my city...shoulda known that wouldn't last long.
I get to 51st st to jump on the E train and get where I need to go. There's a poster saying something about the train service on a pillar so I take off my headphones to read it better (dont act like you've never done it) and all of a sudden something out of a Jimi Hendrix album floods my ears. Now I want to know where its coming from because its fucking awesome. I look around and see this black dude with dreads strumming a guitar. Automatically my mind goes "I need a picture of this guy" so I position myself in front of him and start to focus my cam.
As I'm doing this I see him stop playing, reach down, and grabb a bucket where he wanted his donations. He yells out "if you can afford that camera you can give me a lil something". Little does he know, I'm a college student, and that probably whatever he has in that bucket is twice what I have in my bank account. Whatever, he's not stopping me. So I snap the photo and start walking away. Here is my first mistake. I turn around and glance at him. He is giving me the Luigi death stare waiting to see what I do. With no other options in mind, I just shrug at him and continue on my merry way. That's when he lost his shit. He begins flipping me off and yelling that I'm an asshole and that he does this for a living, not to fill up my camera. I turn around and start laughing right in his face. Then I say "you must be having a bad day huh". This makes him LIVID. I didn't know dark skin dudes could turn red but he found a way. He continued to make a scene in the middle of the platform. 2 attractive women are staring at me now wondering what happen and I again shrug and act oblivious to the old black dude venting his shitty lifestyle choices in my direction. He then countinues to play while simultaneously talking shit and I go my merry way laughing at what just happened.
When I got to my car I hugged the shit out of my steering wheel and thanked my car for keeping me away from the subway.
captn_morgans_gurl: Ya couldn't have given the guy a buck?
Prophete: Literally had no dollars on my pocket. No coins either. I actually looked.
6romperstomper9: Shoulda given him a hug man. Hugs are free they cost nothing.
Prophete: I didn't think about that...touche young romperstomper
6romperstomper9: Don't bum yourself out OP, I trust you would have given him some coin if you had some.
You can always go back another day when you have some spare money. He be hi 5ing you and shit for sure.
Edit: added text.
Prophete: Would have. Now of I see him I'm gonna wanna take out my camera.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1406515178 | 1406520884 | t3_2bwrfm | t5_2to41 | 101 | newdogownerno: TIFU by sleeping and finding my gramps looking at porn... (NSFW)
First a little background: I'm a twenty year old girl that is spending the week with my grandparents in Ohio.
So, I was suppose to go to the market with my grandma this morning but wasn't feeling so good. I decided to stay home and sleep. Unbeknownst to b, she didn't tell my grandpa I was still home. So I wake up and walk down stairs. My grandpa's office is directly across from the stairs. I see hardcore school girl porn and my grandpa with his dick in his hand... He had headphones on, so he didn't hear me. I ran upstairs and didn't come back down until grandma got home. How am I suppose to look him in the face.
On mobile so sorry for the terrible formatting.
Not1ToSayAtoadaso: Not that big of a deal. You have seen the dick that impregnated the woman who gave birth to one of your parents, who in turn, gave birth to you. It is like looking in the sky and seeing stars as they were millions of years ago. I would be in *awe*.
snootyjungle: Did he have a nice dick?
Edit: aged like a grandfather clock?
FiddlerOnThePotato: More like grandfather COCK
| 4 | 25.25 | |
1406515469 | 1406616398 | t3_2bwrvs | t5_2to41 | 10 | RolledUpGreene: TIFU by getting arrested.
So, I'm at this party and it's like 100 deep by the time I get there. As my buddies and I are pulling up to the house we all think, "Hey, this is really out of the way so there is minimal chance of cops showing up".
Fast forward 2 hours, I've had about 3 beers and I'm on my 4th. I'm standing around near the front of the party and someone comes running saying that the cops are here. I turn around to my friends taking off along with about 25 other people. This is where I really really fucked up. My dumbass thought it would be a good idea to stand around and not panic because I really wasn't drunk in the least. Every other run-in I've had with the police at a party, they've just poured out our alcohol and made us leave. I didn't realize until they were right up on me that this wasn't the local PD. Fucking ABC (Alcohol & Beverage Control) brings at least 8 chargers and about 2-3 undercover SUV's. They start sorting people out and having the ones that are over 18 but under 21 (me) get in line for a breathalyzer. I had already given one of them my ID by this point so it was way too late to run. My turn rolls around and I blow a .054 (Legal limit in my state is .02, I believe). They tell me to go sit with the "keepers". So at this point I realize I'm fucked all because I drank 3 beers at a party and didn't run from the police when given the chance. On top of all this bullshit I'll have to go through now because of the MIC charge, I missed my last clinical shift of the semester because I didn't get out of jail until 1100.
Tldr; RUN FROM THE GODDAMNED POLICE.
treiliae: It could be worse. If you were 21+ you could be facing providing underage with alcohol charges and if there were any minors (under 18) at the party those charges are pretty brutal. It's a good thing you were underage:)
RolledUpGreene: No, actually they ID'd everyone and the ones over 21 got away without any repercussions whatsoever.
treiliae: Really?! That sucks. I had a party busted once and while no one actually got tickets, the cops seemed a lot more pissed off at the 21+'ers providing than they did to us underagers. They were threatening them with child endangerment, providing, etc. It was kind of funny, one of my friends couldn't find his wallet so even though he gave his real info to the cops they couldn't find him in their system. We joked for awhile about how he didn't exist.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1406517129 | 1406519739 | t3_2bwuff | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU When I gave up everything to help my sister
Without going into great detail this is what happened:
My sister wanted me to help her with her kids during the time my mom went off to party. I started watching them a few days a week. Then the hubbie got another job requiring him all week so I volunteered because it was going really well.
That is when it got real. She also needed help with rent after a roommate fell through. I was struggling, but I was makin it work. Her husband kept on bringing up that living together would be great and one thing led to another. We figured with all the money we would save that we could save for all new funature so we threw everything we had out: our bed, our dinning set, our handed down stuff in the garage, etc.
We move in and that day it was raining, like coming down so hard we had to quit moving off and on. It was a total nightmare. We didn't get help as we were moving and that should have been the first red light. The second came when her and her husband got into a fight and he lunged at me. The third was my kid freaking out every night because of the constant yelling and screaming.
The last straw was when I was bombarded with the most vile texts from my sister that it made me question why I was there. The evidence was vividly clear--our rent and babysitting, cleaning, and cooking made their life cushy while we struggled more than when we were paying rent and our own bills. Two payday loans and two months behind on our car payment we got out of there.
We just crawled out of our payday loan hell, got our car payment straight, and just gout ourselves out of our pretty little hole. We are all living in a room while searching for a home. The crappy thing is rent has risen $700 since we last rented our home. We cannot afford it and now if I tell the story to potential rentals they shy away (I'm asked why we moved out of our home). I am looked at with suspicion when I say we left our previous home on good terms...why; that gets asked often.
TIFU because I tried to help.
BTW: she still has her home and our mom is helping her again free of charge.
desipioj: Sucks, glad you got out of there and trying to get back on your feet. I don't have a great family myself so I understand wanting to help and being slapped in the face in the end. Don't let her do it to you again.
Dandyme: I'm not planning to. Our relationship is gone. It has put a wedge between us for sure.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1406514890 | 1406579170 | t3_2bwr05 | t5_2to41 | 73 | [deleted]: TIFU by hooking up with my best friend. [NSFW]
*TL;DR*: drunk me and drunk best friend hook up, our friendship is hanging by threads right now
I got insanely drunk at a party that a couple of my friends were hosting in honor of their recent engagement. I invited my best friend and long time crush to come along. I decided to drink way to much jäger and rum, and spent the majority of my night blackout drunk, only really remembering every time I threw up. As I started to sober up, I realized I was cuddling in bed with my best friend, who just got back in from swimming.
We were both lying on the floor in the master bedroom, which the host graciously offered after a series of projectile vomitting into the toilet. After lying on the floor for a while, the host offered the bed, which my friend and I were more than willing to accept.
After a good amount of time of just cuddling and otherwise being relatively innocent, I accidentally grabbed at her chest. I heard a moan, and in my drunk state, I decided that her moaning meant she wanted sex. I proceeded to pull down her bikini bottom and began a good amount of rough foreplay/cunnilingus. We made our way around the room, making out and keeping with the foreplay since neither of us brought condoms. A long while into this, I assume she sobered up, because she pushed me off of her and stormed out. (Don't get me wrong, I stopped when she wanted me to, and we were both rather drunk. She didn't say no, but my stupid drunk self didn't realize how drunk she was too. I feel really bad about the whole thing.)
After she stormed out, I went around the house looking for her in my half-drunk/half-sobered state. I managed to knock down a clock and accidentally break a glass pane on a door searching for my friend. I eventually learned she regretted the entire thing, as I do now as well, through a mutual friend of ours. We rejoined at the end of the night, as we were sharing the master bedroom to sleep, and we talked about what just happened, and she told me that it was okay.
I seriously doubt that, and things have been very tense between us since.
Edit:spelling
Edit2: I did say that we had a long talk at the end of the night. We discussed what happened, and it was both great and terrible. She told me that she's had a crush on me for a long time too, but the circumstances we were under really ruined it. We're being adults, and now that we're sober, we are both going to just talk about what happened. We both agreed we were equally at fault, and now I'm just seeing where we'll go from here.
Sunkentortoise: Sigh...
sober you: Listen about last night-
sober her: can we not talk about that please?
sober you: Just 3 minutes....im begging you.
sober her:......
sober you: I messed up, i'm sorry. I was drunk and wasn't exactly thinking straight. I'm sober now....but yet i still cant stop thinking about you. Truth is all this time i have always thought about you. And although last night was wrong , stupid-even fucked up. It made me realize blah blah blah etc etc and so forth.
(that's a wrap people.)
[deleted]: Sober her: I only see you as a friend.
barnacledoor: and? what's wrong with that? then, OP needs to grow up and realize the whole "friend zone" myth doesn't exist. she's denied his advances, so he should move on to find someone else who would reciprocate his interest.
megalurkeruygcxrtgbn: ...that's exactly what the friend zone is. I love it when people try and say it doesn't exist with the proof of it within the same subthread.
barnacledoor: No, the friend zone is this myth that if someone you love only sees you as a friend, that they've put you in this position and you're stuck. That's the myth because you aren't stuck at all. You can move on. There are two ways to approach it when your romantic advances get rejected by a friend. 1) See them only as friends and move on. 2) Recognize that you can't just be friends and stop hanging out with them.
In college, I told a friend how much I was into her. She said she just saw me as a friend. I said ok and dated a few other girls. I never got hung up on her and always kept her as one of my best friends. 10 years later, we're both single again. We hook up and end up getting married.
After college, I had a friend who dated a girl who ended up breaking up with him and said she still wanted to be friends. So, he hung on and he did everything that he could to impress her. He pulled out all of the stops, but nothing he could do would win her back even though she still considered him one of her best friends. He realized that he was just causing his own suffering and just cut her out of his life entirely. It wasn't because she was a bad person, but being with her as anything less than what he wanted was the wrong thing for him.
In both instances, the girl did nothing different. She said "I only see you as a friend" and it was entirely up to me and my friend to change how we handled it.
| 6 | 12.166667 | |
1406519169 | 1406640002 | t3_2bwxc2 | t5_2to41 | 29 | AccidentalBloodBeard: TIFU By going down on my girlfriend
Today I fucked up by going down on my long distance girlfriend. We haven't seen each-other in about two weeks, so naturally things got pretty frisky last night. I still live with my parents since I live in town, and I haven't turned twenty yet, so naturally they don't allow us to sleep in the same bed. (plus we had other company over). So last night we didn't do much because there were a few family members and friends in close adjacent rooms, but I did finger her for a while, before saying goodnight and going to bed in the basement. We had to be up somewhat early, so I set my alarm for about half an hour before everyone else would be getting up so I could go upstairs and get some much desired snuggling in before we were to head out for the day.
Well as I'm laying in bed (in the dark) I notice I smell exceptionally like vagina, but for me its a turn on, so I decide to fap, jizz everywhere, clean up, and then fall asleep. So my alarm goes off at 6:00 this morning and I make my way upstairs to snuggle. Well... we did snuggle... for a minute or two, but she quickly progressed our snuggling into sexy times.
So we make out for a little while, boob grabbing, etc, before I sleep my hand down her pants and start to do my thing. I think to myself "Damn, you're doing good! She's so wet right now!" She confirmed my thought by telling me that she "NEEDS" me to go down on her. Which of course I do without question because its sort of one of my kinks/fetishes(I don't know the difference.)
So I give her a literal tongue lashing and finger blasting for not more than a few minutes before she got off. Way to go me right? Wrong. I love going down on her, so naturally after she came, I proceeded to gently kiss and lick everything on and around the vagina (as per our ritual of post cunnilingus). So we go back to cuddling, until about 7:00 when all unholy hell breaks loose when she turns on the light in my room. I should have looked at my hand the night before instead of just assuming it was exceptionally strong vagina smell... it was probably covered in blood.
I shit you not I had blood from my nose to my chin and looked like Bear Grhyls (Or whoever the fuck he is) in the popular picture of how a man loves his woman every time of the month. So fuck. But wait, it gets better. Because my hands and face were covered in lovely period blood, it was all over the sheets (thankfully dark brown), but also the pillow cases. (my mom's favorite white ones). I tore everything off the bed after we cleaned ourselves off, and hid it in the depths of my closet.
My GF and I can laugh at it already, and honestly it wasn't even that bad of an experience. Accidents happen. But I don't think my mother will see it that way.
TL;DR: Went down on my girlfriend after her period started in the night. Got blood all over my moms pillowcases from post cunnilingus cuddling... never mind what was on my face.
Edit: She is almost three weeks late for her period, and after two piss sticks we determined she wasn't pregnant so we figured we were in the clear. oops.
boreals: Soak the pillow cases in natures miracle and wash them on cold , it will get the blood out. Hot water sets stains.
It removed blood from our white sheets after I bled on them.
AccidentalBloodBeard: I'm definitely going to give that a try. I washed the sheets and pillow cases while my mom was at work today, and the sheets look fine. The pillow cases... not so much. I used hot water for the pillow cases so apparently TIFU again. I'll try what you suggested though and hope for the best! Thanks!
boreals: You may be able to use hydrogen peroxide if they are too stained , or just bleach then if they are pure white.
| 4 | 7.25 | |
1406520017 | 1406567735 | t3_2bwyhv | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving a toy plastic stick up my ass.
So I'm a guy that likes putting things up my butt and leaving them there. It feels good and it turns me on that I do my every day routine. The inside of my anus is very sensitive so when I walk around it feels good. The item I usually put in is a plastic stick toy-thingy that I don't even know where I got. It looks kinda like one of [these](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/71HLzuKqRAL._SL1500_.jpg). So I put the stick in and started doing my routine. And then I heard a knock on my door.
I opened it and it was my crush. We were supposed to hang out today, but she came much earlier than I thought she was gonna come. She said hey and told me she decided to come earlier so we could spend more time together. With the stick still up my ass, we went out to go watch a movie.
Now you're probably thinking "Why didn't you excuse yourself to get rid of the stick?!?" Welllll, I'm really socially awkward, especially with girls I like, even so much so that I can't ask to leave for a couple seconds. Pathetic, right?
This is when the trouble started. My plan was to go to the bathroom when the movie was going to remove the toy, and before that to keep the thing up my ass as it wouldn't cause any trouble. But I royally fucked up. As I sat down, I hit the stick at the wrong angle. It went, with the speed of a lightning bolt, up the length of my anus and hit my prostate in a certain way that I had an extreme and intense orgasm.
I let out a high pitched yelp as **HUGE** pumps of cum began pumping out of my dick. My crush knew something weird was happening with me, and her suspicions were confirmed when the semen dribbled down my leg. It was in my shoes! It was on the floor! I just couldn't stop having multiple orgasms! Finally it all stopped and everyone in the theater was looking at me weirdly. I carefully moved the stick in a position so it wouldn't cause any more trouble. I had no idea why my crush was till with me, but she had a disgusted look on her face and was looking away from me.
I was really sad by this point at what I had done. But that wasn't all. I had to readjust the stick so it wouldn't be as uncomfortable. I tried to do it so she wouldn't notice me, but it was hopeless as she was looking the other way. I slipped up again. My weight pushed down on the toy and it jabbed itself into the side of my ass. I tried to hold a scream as the pain spread through my body, but it was no use. That's when I noticed the pain had practically paralyzed my anus, so mushy, gross, wet stuff started sliding out of me. I knew it was shit. At this point my crush just ran out, and I'm pretty sure she called me a disgusting weirdo, but I couldn't really hear because of the pain.
I was crying because of the pain, and was crying even harder because of the humiliation of shitting all over myself in front of the girl I had such strong feelings. I didn't even care about the people jeering in the theaters. I was dragged out by the security guards who held their nose to not smell my disgusting fecal mush.
And that's how I was thrown out of a theater with an intense pain, as well as a stick, up my ass, shit and cum in my pants, and tears dripping down my face. All this ruining all my shots with my crush. I'm never putting anything up my ass ever again.
^ **TL;DR**
[deleted]: My eyes hurt just thinking about how it looked... Holy fuck dude. Did you get that thing out at least?
[deleted]: When I came home I finally took out the shitcumblood covered thing. It was disgusting :(
[deleted]: You know that feeling of constipation? Where it feels like a sharp pain inside your anus right next to the hole, that's what I just got reading that. Just buy beads dude and tape one of them to your back or something so you don't suck it up.
RichardRogers: Better yet, *buy a fucking butt plug*. They're designed not to get lost inside.
Username__Irrelevant: And less likely to stab you in a painful way
| 6 | 11.666667 | |
1406518982 | 1406522123 | t3_2bwx32 | t5_2to41 | 11 | flashbangsington: TIFU by spilling liquid laundry detergent in my car and then flooding the entire thing in an effort to get it out
Learn from my mistakes. As I was driving home from the store I noticed the smell of lavender. I turned around to see what looked like a shadow at the lower end of the Costco sized container of liquid laundry detergent. The container was positioned just inside the trunk which I could see because the back seat was folded down. I thought that this was very inconvenient but continued to drive hoping that it was the sun shining into the car to create the shadow and that the smell was due to the hot temperature somehow causing the scent to be released from the container. I was not so lucky. When I got home, I discovered that nearly all of the detergent had spilled over the trunk of my car with most of it going into the well area where the spare is stored. After thinking for a while about how to deal with this I decided to hose it out. I removed everything form the trunk including the spare and then began the process. The trunk seamed to be separate from the rest of the car and although the well where the spare is stored didn't appear to have any holes which would allow the water to drain, I figured I could use a siphon to remove is. I sprayed and sprayed annnnddd sprayed... Until the well filled up like a bathtub. I then went and found some hoses to siphon the water out. This didn't work nearly as well as planned. And after nearly choking several times on soapy water only to create a siphon that resembled a leaky faucet, I decided that the traditional method of using a bucket to bail would work much better. For the next hour or so, I sprayed and bailed repeatedly. Finally the detergent appeared to be out of the upholstery. I decided I would leave the trunk open to air-dry for the next few days and things would be all good. Then I went to collect my items from passenger compartment and almost started crying when I realized that the entire car was now flooded. To make matters worse, located on the floor by the passenger seat was my laptop. I ran and grabbed the laptop which thankfully was located in its case and happened to be positioned in such a way that my newly purchased GRE study guide had elevated the laptop just above the several inches of water that were now on the floor. I thanked god and then spent another half an hour bailing out the rest of the car (which is still all soapy). Then I went and found a bunch of fans to help air-dry. On the plus side, now my car smells like flowers.
flashbangsington: would it be a really bad Idea to leave the car on all night with the air conditioning jacked up?
UncleverMan: Go to Walmart and buy a shop vac to suck the water out.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1406523273 | 1406525922 | t3_2bx2w6 | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU By being creepy
bizalith: TIFU by becoming a catfish!
bizalith: If I were you I would definitely just stop talking and delete the page. He'll never know.
SHUMAGORATH7: Nah she's gotta commit. Schedule a meet up and show up in a wedding gown
bizalith: Or that. Both great options.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1406523735 | 1406524633 | t3_2bx3k0 | t5_2to41 | 14 | moccojoe: TIFU by trying to show off for a group of 8-10 year olds.
So today was my sister's birthday party, a lot of my family was there, probably around 30 people or so. So my 7 year old nephew was talking about riding his bike and i proceed to tell him how awesome i used to be on a BMX.
A little while later I put my money with my mouth is, jump on his bike and immediately start riding a wheelie. Got about 15 feet and pulled to hard on the bike and flipped it.
Instantly I knew something was wrong. I landed on my butt/lowerback and couldn't move much at all. Within 30 seconds I have my whole family and a bunch of the neighborhood kids standing around me freaking out. At this point I am going into shock and trying my best not to pass out. I eventually(with some help) managed to stand up. I tried telling everyone I was fine and not to call an ambulance, they did anyways. When they got there, I'm feeling a little better, but still trying not to feint from the pain. I ended up turning the ambulance away and having my brother drive me to the hospital, do to me not being insured.
5 hours later a plethora of xrays and a catscan that is going to cost me probably around 6k, I find out I broke my back(compression fracture of my L5 vertebrae). Now I'm home laying here in pain and unable to sleep.
Tl:DR, Tried showing off to a bunch of kids, Broke my back and bruised my ego.
Sorry if my grammar and typing are a little off, I'm not the best.
Speed2much: Usually how it works man.
moccojoe: Getting older sucks.
Speed2much: Yea it sure does. Broken bones ain't cool when we gotta pay
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1406487409 | 1406596408 | t3_2bvkry | t5_2to41 | 7 | QbicKrash: TIFU Invited a complete stranger to my house party
First off, some back ground knowledge. I had been chatting with this girl on OkCupid for the better part of a month, which, in hind sight, isn't much at all...anyway...I was really into her personality and she looked really cute in her pictures. We seemed to hit it off and when I realized I was coming back to my student house for the weekend to party, I foolishly invited her to attend. She agreed.
Now, I'm just going to be real with you guys, I was about...65% intending on sleeping with her that night. Don't worry, everyone involved was of legal age and everything, and I wasn't about to force anything on her. Anyway, that sort of motivated me to make sure she arrived at my party no matter what. So a few hours before the party, she texts me to say she'd be bringing a friend and if that'd be cool. I immediately agreed, thinking she was bringing some female friend of hers, which I was okay with.
Another important note in this story is that my housemate knew she was coming, though I didn't fill him in on all the details. He likes to joke that I'm always "wheeling the bitties" or however you say that...whatever.
Anyway, just an hour before the party, she texts again saying she'd be bringing a dog.
This is where I fucked up.
This should have been a red flag; the show stopper; the slap in the face. But no, I said that should be fine, thinking with my dick rather than my brain, which was trying to get me to realize "How will this dog behave? WHO THE FUCK BRINGS A DOG TO A PARTY??"
So she arrives with her friend and dog before any of my other guests do, and I immediately regretted my decision for a number of reasons.
1. She was more overweight than I could tolerate.
Now hold up, this does NOT mean I'm bashing all overweight women. I have had some wonderful encounters with heavy women that I'm not ashamed to admit. But there is a limit to what I can take, and she was over that limit. Granted, I should have seen it coming, since all of the pictures I had of her were face pictures. Again, another red flag I missed completely.
2. Her friend was incredibly sketch, and a dude.
Gaunt face, looked high on something, carrying this huge case of beer. Can't really describe it with anything other than he looked like the kind of guy who'd try and steal something from my house during the party. No racial factors here, just a gut feeling. Plus, he tried to light a smoke IN MY HOUSE. When I stopped him, he looked at me like I was some kind of crazy person.
3. Their dog was completely crazy.
It rushed around everywhere. I don't think it ever walked, it could only run. No way was I going to be responsible for this dog at my house party.
Luckily they arrived early to do some fishing so I had some time to think about what I was going to do. Not only did I feel awful, but my housemate was freaked out too that I'd invited two complete strangers to our house for our party which was supposed to be for close friends.
I finally decided on a course of action by telling a little white lie. I texted her while they were still fishing to say that my housemate did not know they were coming and wasn't cool with them being there. Thankfully they understood and weren't upset, but they had no transportation back to their house.
I guess as self-punishment for my own stupidity, I paid for their cab fare to get home again.
TL;DR
Thinking with my dick, I invited a girl I met online to my house party who turned out to be too over weight, brought a totally sketch guy, and brought a dog. Eventually convinced them they had to leave and paid for their cab fare home as my punishment.
So that's my story of how I fucked up. Just one of many. Until next time...
[deleted]: I have never tried OK Cupid (I am in a relationship now) but I tried eHarmony and I met this dude that was super nice and sweet. Went to my college and just got out of the navy. But it was so weird. He did this thing where he would refuse to stay out past six o clock at night. Like it was pretty creepy how on time he would be. I asked him if he wanted to go out at night sometime (5 dates later) and he never messaged me back. Odd...
squatchyerlife: House arrest?
[deleted]: That's an interesting theory. He also may have been married because he had his own apartment but didn't have a job. He said the navy paid for it but I never heard of the navy paying for someone's apartment and food for them.
Starbide: Actually that's exactly what the Navy does. If someone is in the service and living off base the Navy pays them a monthly allowance for food and rent, in addition to their standard monthly pay. The amount varies depending on the cost of living in a particular area, but this is standard practice.
Source: currently in the Navy.
[deleted]: Oh okay that's actually pretty cool. I didn't know that. And you're in the navy currently? Thank you for your service! My boyfriend is in the army so I know how difficult it can be.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1406523846 | 1406555179 | t3_2bx3po | t5_2to41 | 69 | [deleted]: TIFU by direct messaging my boyfriend nudes over Twitter.
Oh my god. This is so long but I am so fucking screwed. What the fuck.
Okay so, my boyfriend. He was favoriting some of my tweets, like obviously going down my profile. So I decide to DM him a nude picture of me. Because he is online and such. Mind you, its like 1am.
All is fine and well. He tells me I look sexy and that he wants to bang the following day. Awesome. So down.
A GOOD FUCKING FIVE MINUTES LATER, one of my friends texts me something along the lines of "OP, WHAT THE FUCK." I'm like, What. All of the sudden I get five million other texts, consisting of "WHY WOULD YOU POST THAT ON TWITTER" and "I THINK YOU'RE BEING HACKED". I'm just chilling here, all confused.
I go check my twitter, lo and behold, the naked picture of me that I sent to my boyfriend is right on my fucking profile. What. The. Fuck. I quickly delete the nude, and I'm furiously texting my boyfriend asking him if he posted it online. He tells me no. It'd be impossible anyway. He doesn't have my password.
I tweet my apologies, because, you know, half of my fucking followers saw my tits. Did I mention that the picture of me had my face in it? So great. Super fucking awesome.
This was a few days ago. No one is really talking about it anymore. I just kinda blamed it on myself, like maybe I accidentally tweeted it.
BUT WOOP-DE-FUCKIN-DO
I logged onto twitter maybe an hour ago. I get a DM from one of my friends saying, "Yo wtf". I go to look at the chatlog and HOLY SHIT. THERE IS MY NUDE PICTURE, IN OUR CHATLOG. LIKE AS IN, I SENT IT TO HIM. I'm fucking fuming, I told him I didn't send him that, and that I was clueless to what was going on. I immediately changed my password. I log back on and take a look at the rest of my DM conversations, I see no more nude pictures of me. Yay.
Now here is where I REALLY, REEEALLLLY, REEEEAAAAALLLLLYYYY, fucked up.
I was thinking about how it sent the picture to my buddy, and I kinda freaked out a little, after remembering that me and my mom follow each other on Twitter. I'm laying here thinking, oh my sweet jesus, what if it gets DM'd to my fucking mother. I do what any rational person would do at that moment, I clear our previous DM's so that if the nude did get sent, the picture/conversation would be deleted.
Suddenly I hear a ding on my Mom's tablet. I get that sinking feeling, I hop out of bed and go to check it. All I see on the display thingy is a picture of *my fucking tits* . At this point i'm close to tears and am desperately trying to delete this picture off of HER messages, while at the same time making sure no more pictures got sent to anyone else. It didn't look like they sent, but just incase I deactivated my account.
TL;DR: My mom might see my titties when she wakes up tomorrow.
fundayz: Maybe it's cause I don't use twitter but how do you accidentally DM a picture to three different people AND post it to your profile?
fullmarksdemello: You don't. It's impossible to, you'd have to perform four different actions.
It's like OP's in a first year summer semester creative writing course.
fundayz: So either she got hacked or /r/thathappened
fullmarksdemello: she didn't get hacked.
[deleted]: Trying to cover up cheating while drunk?
fullmarksdemello: LYING TO REDDIT FOR LE KARMA?
[deleted]: OMG THE HORROR!
| 8 | 8.625 | |
1406523615 | 1406554905 | t3_2bx3e4 | t5_2to41 | 60 | [deleted]: TIFU but betting a blowjob on a game of scrabble, convincing my family I'm a rapist and almost getting arrested
TIFU BY*
So my girlfriend arrived from latin america to New Zealand to see me recently and it's been great. When we were apart we would always play scrabble online because it was one of the only games we could find. So two nights ago we were relaxing with some wine and we were getting quite drunk... very drunk actually and we decided it would be hilarious to have a drunk game of scrabble. I like to screw with her a little and she does too so of course I started shit talking "Oooh yeah I'll beat you like I did online over and over again." She was so drunk she insisted she could beat me (I'm a native English speaker, she's not) She got so cocky I said "Ok then, If I win, you owe me a blowjob." She agreed so I asked her what she would want if she one. (I was expecting oral or a massage or something) "I want you to show me the best club in New Zealand." I laughed my ass off because coming from the clubs in Latin America to the clubs in New Zealand would be like [this.](http://i.imgur.com/GtC5bjR.gif)
Of course I beat her and the next day I'm at work just feeling horny and bored so go to the bathroom ad I pull out my phone and find the most grotesque cruel blowjob video I can find and I send it to her with the message "You're gonna give me one whether you like it or not ;)"
I arrive home and my Mum and my Dad are sitting in my house and I have no idea where my girlfriend is. They sit me down and begin to explain that I had tried to send a message to my girlfriend (Constanza) and accidentally sent it to my cousin (Connor) and that he had told them he was concerned I was abusing her. They said they were going to go to the police but they wanted to sit me down first and ask me what the hell was going on. I tried to explain the scrabble game and how the blowjob thing was just a joke and I was trying to antagonise her and I didn't really expect a blowjob at all and I think they didn't believe it but decided to just let it go and only act if they see more evidence.
The best part? When I went to get my girlfriend from my sister's house (yes they put her there to protect her from her evil abusive boyfriend) my girlfriend thought the whole situation was hilarious.
**TL;DR** Tried to antagonize my girlfriend by being an abusive asshole, parents thought I was actually an abusive asshole and almost called the police on me
[deleted]: Thanks for the blow by blow account. Connor seems like a fun guy.
castle78: You'd expect a little more gratitude for the random porn
| 3 | 20 | |
1406524720 | 1406541578 | t3_2bx4tz | t5_2to41 | 8 | nsaplzdont: TIFU By watching child porn.
Cecilb666: Call the police
Teshinator: What can the police do?
Cecilb666: Their job.
Teshinator: Over the anonymity of the internet?
Cecilb666: Not sure who told you the internet is anonymous. Nothing is untraceable.
Sibire: About that...
Try using quantum particles.
AJ_M: Quantum Burn!
^Would ^that ^be ^a ^good ^thing?
Sibire: If I were in charge? Absolutely not. I'd wind up spontaneously adding eight extra protons to 1% of nearby Carbon atoms, breaking the laws of thermodynamics by causing a spontaneous transformation into Silicon and effectively making myself a DIY Basilisk gun.
...You *do* have COWEU-2 status, correct?
AJ_M: ... What. It might help to add that I'm 17 with minimal quantum theory knowledge
| 10 | 0.8 | |
1406523729 | 1406526980 | t3_2bx3jo | t5_2to41 | 5 | DPD1995: TIFU: Losing a bet and drinking hot sauce
So today, a friend and were playing soccer. Before the game we make a little wager that the loser has to take a shot from a hot sauce made from Ghost Pepper, which is 320 times hotter than Tabasco sauce.
So I lost the soccer game, we drive to whol foods, and me being a man of my word we get some milk and this hot sauce.
He then pulls out a regular sized Texas shot glass, as I am filling up the shot glass I realize that this is a bad idea, (I underestimated how much hot sauce was in a shot glass) but being a man (18) and being filmed I have to go through. I quickly take the shot barely letting it touch my tounge and it goes down soft. I start feeling the sauce in my mouth, and it burns like hell. But it's nothing I can't bear I drink some milk and say "ok let's go home" I was expecting to puke so I just head over to the bathroom real quick and puke. I'm thinking ok I'm glad that's out of the way, we go back to the car, and were pulling up on the street when I have to projectile vomit. I puke like that episode of family guy and call it a day.
Were driving home when I get this urge to poop, we stop I poop, feel a lot better get up and flush.
Then suddenly this burning feeling hits my stomach, it was like someone's grabbed my intestines and was smashing them with a grinder while cooking them with oil. I collapse on the ground my friend comes in and I say we need to go to the hospital. We get to the hospital I can barely walk 2 steps into the ER and I collapse inside. They get me on an a bed and start putting an IV in me and treating me. The pain is so bad I make myself puke like I was anorexic. I puke 3 times and I am starting to go into shock. My hands are quivering my legs are cramping, my face is cramping. I have to wait till the IV starts takin effect. I feel better and my friends come and were all just laughing about it. (They felt
Awful but I was making jokes so they wouldn't feel bad)
My parents arrive and they get my wallet. Only then do I realize I had my fake id in there, and my parents start asking sketch when i ask for my wallet. I get up and start going towards them when the pain is back and I have to go through the whole pain again. About 2 hours later I'm finally calm again, and when I get my wallet back the fake is missing. That fake was $150 and they just threw away.
Currently I am in bed rest trying to not puke.
Short story: lost a bet drank hot sauce had to go to hospital and lost my fake id
Hitmon: I paid a guy I knew at work $3 to drink one of those little plastic cups used for condiments full of Dave's Insanity Sauce. He threw up blood in the bathroom, and left work sick. Best $3 spent.
DPD1995: Ya it was saved ghost pepper insanity sauce
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1406526877 | 1406572836 | t3_2bx7i5 | t5_2to41 | 105 | rockairglue: TIFU by using my phone as a flashlight
My husband runs his own metal fabrication business. Late tonight he remembered he needed to install a gate for a customer before the beginning of the business week so the customer didn't get fined by the city for not having their pool properly secured. The existing gate was already removed and a new post anchor was set in concrete. All my husband needed to do was hang the gate. Simple enough.
As the only available muscle on a Sunday night I accompanied my husband for extra help. We get to the residence and it's very dark with only a few neighborhood lights on. We unload the gate and struggle to get it into position. I realize I need light as I can't see shit. Being the Ms MacGyver I am (sans mullet), I took the decorative top off the post and balanced my phone on the top to cast the most helpful of light. Then we forced the pins in place. And everything went fucking dark.
Me: Did my phone drop?
Husband:Yes
Me: Where is it?
Husband: In the post
Me: (dumbfounded laughter ensues)
So my phone is about 8 feet down square tubing. Anyone have any suggestions how we should get it out? My husband already google searched and apparently this isn't a common problem.
Here's my shitty [sketch](http://i.imgur.com/nYqjLJe.jpg) to elaborate my predicament.
tl;dr I once dropped my phone in a pot of beans too.
UPDATE: Husband tried the shop-vac and it was a no go. The phone was at too much of an angle and he couldn't get enough suction. And... he tried to text me telling me it wouldn't work and thought it was weird that I didn't reply. He decided to move on to the duct tape idea. Figuring it would be hard to keep the duct tape ball from sticking to the side of the post, he thought up and built this [contraption](http://i.imgur.com/HqYc0R0.jpg). He attached it to a tie-down strap and added a piece of duct tape to the bottom. He lowered it down into the post with [much success](http://i.imgur.com/DwHO3Pu.jpg). What you see there is a nicely retrieved phone with a little bit of mud. After snapping that photo the phone fell off the contraption and hit the concrete and cracked. I'm one lucky gal with my phones.
Thanks to everyone for their suggestions! With combined ideas we saved my phone.
rhgla: 9' stick and a sticky side out ball of duct tape, dbl sided foam tape or other heavy duty tape.
rockairglue: This was my husband's idea too. The anchor post is under the eve of the house so we need something stiff, but bendable... Maybe a really long penis?
rhgla: The penis would get tricky too because it's still got to get under the eve flacid. Then the arousal, too much risk of ejaculation. Try a tape measure.
Uhhhhdel: Ejaculating on the phone will void the warranty.
rhgla: Oh, HTC guy! May we have another free phone please?
| 6 | 17.5 | |
1406525223 | 1406528640 | t3_2bx5gw | t5_2to41 | 44 | rbfjunkie: TIFU by yawning at work.
I was outside changing our nasty trash cans that attract all sorts of bugs - in this case, bees. I yawned widely, a bee flew straight into my mouth, and before I could spit it out, it stung me on the back part of the roof of my mouth. It swelled up immediately and I rushed to the ER since I was so worried I wouldn't be able to breathe in a few minutes. Luckily, there's a hospital just down the road so I just had a coworker drive me there. They gave me a couple shots and a few lollipops for the road.
OMFGmomgetthecamera: You got lollipops. Worth it.
frighteyes: You got out of work early. Worth it.
| 3 | 14.666667 | |
1406527783 | 1406624017 | t3_2bx8i6 | t5_2to41 | 217 | zomgfruitbunnies: TIFU by dropping my phone and knocking away someone's newspaper
I'm currently working in China, and a lot weird stuff happens in this country. Being a Chinese-Canadian who visited the country regularly because of extended family, I've seen enough to not be fazed on most occasion.
One thing visitors to China will notice almost immediately is how crammed public transit can get during peak hours. Seats are often prized and people will rush to get them because the distance between stops are often pretty long.
I take the subway to work everyday, and often times one would see couples sleeping while sitting down with one person's head resting in the other's lap while covered by a jacket or something to block out the light. I've always found this position to be strange because it looks extremely uncomfortable but never thought too much of it.
This morning I saw this again while riding the train. It eventually got crowded and I was forced to move to where the couple was sitting. My transit is relatively long so I pull out my phone and start browsing the web and chat with friends. At some point the train suddenly breaks and, caught off guard, the phone drops out of my hand and, as I tried to catch it, knock it forward and it hits the newspaper covering the girl's head (which was resting in her bf's lap). The paper falls and in front of me I see the girl with her bf's dick in her mouth. She looks at me, he looks at me, and I look at them. Other people on the train notice and they look at them. The train is stopped and everyone (and boy, were there a lot of people) is staring at the girl with the dick in her mouth. After what seemed like an eternity, the girl finally gets the dick out of her mouth and sits up and starts crying while covering her face with her hands. All I see is the glistening dick in front of me and I'm speechless. The boyfriend sits there with a boner and a horrified expression on his face and stares at me, not in anger, but in just full panic mode. Everyone is staring and they can't leave because the train isn't stopped at a station. I finally snap out of it and begin to apologize. In English. They don't understand me. I don't realize this and keep apologizing in English. People start laughing, some start making crude remarks, a few older women gives the girl shit for being "indecent." Someone pats me on the shoulder and says "nice going" in Chinese. I'm still not myself and pick up the newpaper and hands it to the boyfriend, who then uses it to cover his and his gf's faces. The AC in the cabin is on full blast and I'm covered in sweat. The train finally moves again and we pull into the station. I squeeze through the sea of bodies and get off the train even though it's not my stop. BJ couple also gets off the train. The door closes and I stand there red-faced and flabbergasted. I look at my watch and it's 9:12. I'm twelve minutes late for work. Then I realize my final mistake: I left my phone on the train.
TL;DR - dropped my phone and exposed some girl giving her man a blowjob on a crowded train during rush hour.
LalaLilyr: Sorry about your phone :c
I was on the subway in Shanghai from the airport to the train station, which is from one terminal to another
The guy sitting across from me tried to inconspicuously take photos of me, only he forgot to turn off the sound
Another guy decides to stand right in front of me (when there were still plenty of seats left) his gaze downwards the whole time while pretending to be on his phone :S
Sexual repressed Chinese people are scary af
zomgfruitbunnies: Let me guess, second guy was trying to catch a glimpse of some cleavage or thigh?
Yeah, this place is really creepy and weird at times.
LalaLilyr: I would get why they take pictures and get excited if I was a foreigner
but I'm Chinese Canadian ._.
I was 17 at the time and my parents were on the same train, it was hella awkward
zomgfruitbunnies: Looking Chinese is all you have to be in order to receive the whole spectrum of creepiness the country as to offer.
I can't even count the number of times when a client says something any western person would find super offensive (they know this and would absolutely not say it when a foreigner is present) only to have uproarious laughter issued from the rest of the table.
It's awkward as shit sometimes.
LalaLilyr: Hmm I went back last summer to teach English (IELTS and TOFFEL) and French
The institution I taught at made me pretend to be older than I am since my students are all around my age
Going back was weird
I loved how money can get you pretty much anything but hated how I wasn't supposed to help strangers
zomgfruitbunnies: They're concerned about "decorum." There's the notion of authority can only be established through seniority. Basically, if your kids think you're "on their level" in any way, they won't listen to or respect you. This is, frankly, utterly bogus, and the main reason is to appease the parents because "teachers are supposed to act like teachers" and frivolous behavior can reflect badly on the school. In short, reputation and money.
The idea of "don't work, don't eat" is deeply ingrained in Chinese culture. Those perceived to gain benefits without putting forth the required effort are seen as freeloaders and leeches of society, hence begging and panhandling are unanimously frowned upon by large sectors of society. Giving them money is seen as encouraging their behavior and deters them from becoming productive members of society.
If you meant that you were discouraged from physically helping people who appear to be in distress, then it has to do with the rampant injury scams. Basically, someone pretends to be hurt and when you go to help, they claim to the cops that you caused the injury. Legal bullshit ensues, stuff usually gets settled out of court because Chinese people hate going to court. In addition, I'd imagine your employers wouldn't want you to be wrapped up in stuff that can reflect badly on them and damage their image.
Money makes this country go around.
I'm a little surprised that you actually got hired (good for you). They typically want ethnic foreigners because of "authenticity."
LalaLilyr: Well... I called in for interviews and boy were they surprised when they met me
It took me several attempts at different education companies / tutoring facilities for me to get the jobs I did
My Caucasian coworkers get paid twice as much as I do per hour, but it was still good money
Also got to perform weekly at a pub that my friend's friend owned, that was fun
Connections + money = pretty much everything
zomgfruitbunnies: Ya nailed it with that last sentence.
I remember doing a seminar for a client two years ago via teleconference from off-screen and when I actually went to their annual event they didn't fucking believe me at all until I started talking in fluent English with their VP (whom I had met and chatted with in the past). Then they finally start treating me with some respect.
| 9 | 24.111111 | |
1406527470 | 1406836703 | t3_2bx85n | t5_2to41 | 7 | Prophete: TIFU By Confessing
Oh boy. Ok so I have a friend. Let's call her beth. Beth is a really good friend and I've known her for a little while. She also has a boyfriend that doesn't work to far from me but lives leaps and bounds away. Now long story short a few months back we were hanging out and she was going to take a bus home but the buses stopped working and I didn't want to just leave her. I said come spend the night and we'll split ways in the morning. Shes cool with it so we go to my place. We get in my room and I'm tired so we lay up and watch some tv before we go to sleep.
It gets around the time for the tv to shut down so I do that and we say our goodnights before trying to get shut eye. All of a sudden she begins making pillow talk of how things are going with her man and out of no where starts crying. Me being a friend give her my shoulder to cry on and try to console her. After several minutes she is fine and we calm down. She remains on my shoulder and I try and dose off.
Now honestly, beth isint really my type. But because of cruel fate, I'm a man. So I open my eyes in the dark and see a set of not too shabby lips inches away from mine. I don't care what you say. Any girl looks good that close to you, in the dark, on your bed.
At this point I'm making a decision in my mind. Do I go in for the kill or so I just go to sleep and let my horniness pass over. I chose the ladder and drift off to dreamland.
Fast forward and me and her are on the phone. I forget what the convo was about exactly, but for some reason I feel the urge to tell her what I almost did that night, so I do. I spill the beans and say I was seconds away from making a move. What happened next came out of left field.
She begins to explain in this excited voice that she's felt the same way for so long and that she was mad I didn't do it and repeating her feelings toward me. Automatically I regret my decision of truth and try to explain that there are no feelings and I was just really horny and almost made a mistake. She replies that I'm lying and she knows how I really feel.
.....what?
I repeat several times that I am not interested and that Im wishing the best for her and her boyfriend. Her rational response to that is that I owe her a kiss when I see her and that she's glad I opened up.
Needless to say. I've kept my distance since that day.
[deleted]: Dude stop playing hard to get you love the attention you get with your little middle school dating bate and switch love tactics ...
CrazyPupil: bait* and switch.
the fact that he did the bate and switch is what kept that woman from cheating that night.
Prophete: Lmao. Explain this bait and switch method.
CrazyPupil: 'bating has prevented many a bad hookup. even the knowledge of future 'bating. I should know, I'm in bed with a hooker right now and the knowledge of my future 'bating is the only thing saving me from AIDS.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1406523883 | 1406579011 | t3_2bx3rh | t5_2to41 | 200 | zonkedforlife: TIFU by falling from the sky onto a police officer.
Fuck this is so bad...
This actually happened a couple months ago but I will still post this. So I live above these druggies who occupy the bottom floor of our house. They really are dumb. I hardly ever talk with them. Anyways, we get the cops over at our house like 24 fucking 7. Okay not that much but like at least thrice a month.
So I am surfing the net (probably on Reddit at the time, can't remember though) on my computer upstairs listening to really loud music with my headphones on. I keep my door locked sometimes just because we get some pretty sketchy people coming over quite a bit. Next thing I know my door gets kicked in. Not really wanting to wait and see who was coming through I get up from my chair and in the corner of my eye I see someone try to grab me.
I manage to get away from him and jump out the window and I shit you not, I fall onto a police officer.
That's not even the worst part, after I landed on him I got tackled by his partner like 10 seconds later. He was actually the guy who was the one who kicked in my door. He must have Supermann'ed his way down the stairs. Okay this definitely sounds intense but it starts to DE-escalate from here.
After everything settled down I managed to explain everything from my point of view (it took a while because it looked like I was trying to flee from the cops, which technically I was). Apparently what happened is that those fucking losers downstairs tried to frame me for drug possession and when the officer tried to open my door unsuccessfully he thought I might be trying to get away. Of course I had no idea this was happening because I was listening to loud music.
I was later let go and one of the guys downstairs was arrested. Actually, the worst part out of all this is that I am still living with these hooligans. Btw, I was completely fine from the fall (it wasn't too far a drop) and the officer seemed to be okay too. He was actually pretty chill about the whole situation.
*TL;DR- Got my door kicked in and tried to make an aerial escape from the cops.*
Li0nhead: A very good piece of advice:
Move from that place. As soon as possible.
Sounds like you have landed yourself with the scum of the Earth. Why continue? Get out.
zonkedforlife: The other one's who occupy the top floor are actually pretty awesome. It's just that the downstairs ones are kind of weird.
Li0nhead: Still I would not want to be in a house where people who are willing to try to frame you for drug possession are only a hard kick at your door away from you asleep or your worldly possessions when your out.
I think I would be so paranoid that there would be a weapon put under my pillow when i sleep.
flamingtoastjpn: >weapon under my pillow
Yeah, this story could have ended a lot worse if that were the case...
Li0nhead: the alternative is not living in a house with drug addicts willing to frame you.
flamingtoastjpn: Or switching their heroine with cocaine when they aren't looking, (Pulp Fiction ftw)
redditor1255: Good reference, but you got it backwards. She thought the heroine was cocaine, not the other way around.
flamingtoastjpn: Fuck you're right, she snorted the heroine
| 9 | 22.222222 | |
1406522378 | 1406559347 | t3_2bx1po | t5_2to41 | 7 | NinjaRun09: TIFU by going on a trampoline
So, long story short. I ordered some knives when I was on vacation and got them yesterday. I told my friend and he said he wanted to see them. I went over to his house and we messed around with them. I got on the trampoline WITH THE BLADE OUT and jumped around. I jumped down on my stomach and bam. Knife right in the calf. Thank God it wasn't somewhere else. So we put it in a makeshift bandage and my friend gets the crutches. I call my parents and my mom (ex nurse) takes a look at it.
TL; DR PRACTICE KNIFE SAFETY. HAVE SOME COMMON SENSE.
Also, I'm 15. Don't expect me to think like an adult. I'm not the brightest knife in the wall.
Shit bled like a mofo tho. I was in shock for a good hour. What really helps is when you realize that pain is temporaru. Once you understand that, it's a lot less pain.
directdread23: Your an idiot...what 15 year old orders knives. Of all the things that didnt happen, this didnt happen the most.
NinjaRun09: Nah man. It happened. Right now my ma's got my leg elevated, bandaged, all that jazz. When it first happened, I washed the wound with some water I had in a near by bottle. I had my friends help me hop over to a chair where one friend got some cloth and tied it up. I didn't feel much in my leg at first, but I knew I couldn't walk on it. I sat in a chair outside for about 30 minutes with my head in my hands. I felt like I was going to puke or pass out, my friends said I was pale, and I was in a cold sweat. They helped me inside where I layer down on his couch. After a bit of contemplating, I called my parents and they picked me up. I still got the bloody rags in my kitchen, and I can send a pic of my bandaged leg, but no open wound. Not yet at least. Like I said, I'm a dumb kid. I'm just a problem child for my family. I have to say though, getting stabbed is some scary shit.
directdread23: i stabbed myself in the thumb, to the bone, was fun pulling that steak knife out at the dinner table. seriously though how the fuck do you think jumping on a trampoline, with a knife, is a good idea....in what world is that even a thought?
NinjaRun09: I'll be honest man, I was just trying to look cool. I was chasing one of my friends around acting like I was gonna stab him for talking shit, and he ran by the trampoline. I stopped chasing him and got on it. The friend that got the rags for me was doing some stuff with a muffler, lighter, and hair spray(don't ask), so I was watching him and jumping around. His mom came out so we all looked at her while she was yelling at him. That was when I jumped on my stomach.
directdread23: if this is the kind of dumb shit you and your friends do, you might want to consider better influences. these 2 ideas i've hear, knife trampoline and belly flop, plus muffler, lighter and hairspray, sound absolutely terrible, to the point where a retarded person would know better...
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1406529896 | 1406564692 | t3_2bxal2 | t5_2to41 | 40 | Nezros: TIFU by sticking up for myself
First Post on Reddit!
Today I went into work like any other day. I work or worked I should say in the restaurant business, which is always a stress-free and care-free place of employment. Anyways, I have always been a passive-aggressive person, but have also never given anyone a reason to dislike me. Well apparently my co-workers decided to start messing with me in various ways like verbal harassment, threats of physical violence, numerous put downs etc. I normally block everything out and go on with my life as if they didn't exist, but something about today put me in the mood to not take any shit. A co-worker that I considered a "good friend" of mine (only person i've ever invited to my apartment to hang out) decided to rattle the cage and tell me in a threatening way to not burn him. I get that nobody wants to get burned but in the food industry shit happens and I made it clear that I didn't try to or mean to get close enough for him to feel that way. I even said "look man you know I would never intentionally hurt you, we're cooler than that". Well he replied with "I don't care, you BETTER NOT fucking burn me". I was already pissed off and losing my cool from dealing with the other bitchy co-workers, and the attitude of the situation told me that if I had accidentally burned him, that there would be physical attacks made against me. To which I lost my cool completely and replied "If you take a swing at me, I will knock you the fuck out". Well he immediately went to the general manager which is the big boss of the restaurant for those lucky enough to have never worked in one. After an hour of talking my options through with my ex "boss" I learned that inevitably I was going to lose my job. Ironically my "boss" wanted me to work on standing up for myself.
tl;dr - Someone who I thought was a friend ended up to be a little bitch, got me fired after antagonizing me and for finally sticking up for myself.
6romperstomper9: Slap the cunt OP. BITCH SLAP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nezros: I would be more than happy to apply said slap to the bitch in question, but there is a part of me that knows that the "Bitch" hates his life whenever he is at said restaurant, and now he has to do my job on top of his every day. I don't think i'd stop with a slap though and i'd be writing my second TIFU about how I went to jail.
6romperstomper9: Hmmm true. You need to learn how to DENY, DENY, DENY. Its your word against his.
Nezros: I actually admitted that to my boss when we went over what happened, I was honest and admitted to it. I guess I deserve my punishment for being honest and trustworthy... Thanks for the interest btw.
flamingtoastjpn: http://img.pandawhale.com/post-44145-Sansa-Slaps-Robin--Talk-Shit-G-JEAQ.gif
ICantThinkAtAll: This gif is so perfect. Bookmarked.
| 7 | 5.714286 | |
1406515741 | 1406536425 | t3_2bwsb8 | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU: naked covered in paint
So this actually happened a few months ago, but after reading a few TIFU, I think I can add this to the collection. So finals had just ended, and me and my younger bro were drinking in the basement. After about three 16 oz rum and cokes, heavy on the sailor jerry, I head into the bathroom to take a piss. My brother also heads in to get a drink of water. (before you pervs start typing, this does not lead to brother on brother incest). Anyway, my brother decides to head butt the wall. My competitive instincts kick in, and I too, decide to head butt the wall. Now it's important to note that this is at my parents' house, and at this point, there is already a good sized dent in the drywall. But his dent must have been bigger than mine, so in a drunken primal fury, I bring my fist back, and punch a hole right through the drywall. This, was extremely satisfying. My brother, who had since turned around to get a drink of water, looks up in horror at what had just transpired. It was at this point that I realize what I've just done. I've been living at home at the grace of my parent's charity, and this would have been the last straw. No more free food, no more easy living. I. am. fucked. So we desperately attempt some drunken remodeling. I found white duct tape, put it over the hole, get a white sheet of paper, tape that over the duct tape, and then, in a stroke of pure drunken brilliance, I find the same paint used to paint over the drywall, and splash some on there. I look up with satisfaction at my work. It's a hopeless clusterfuck. My brother says something along the line of "you're fucked" and heads upstairs. But I'm not done. I strip down to nothing, grab a handful of paint, and commence to finger paint the wall. I make a horrible mess. There's paint on the washer, on the dryer, on the sink and all over the floor. I look down at my body and realize i've been wiping paint all over myself. My dick is shrivelled from exposure to the cold air. I grab it to nurse it back to it's normal, warm self. I don't remember the exact details of how I got to bed, but when I wake up, I'm naked, covered in paint, and still pretty drunk. I hear the creaking of footsteps upstairs. I realize that the bathroom is still coated in white paint, and the hole in the wall is still very visible. I rush down stairs in a vain attempt to cover everything up, but I'm too late. My dad is in the bathroom, putting dog's food in their bowls, somehow unaware of the disarray around him. He turns around, takes one look at his eldest son, covered head to toe in white paint, complete with a white hand print around his cock, and lowers his eyes and walks right by me, with a look I can't quite describe. I can only imagine what he was thinking when he saw that, but I like to believe that his mind simply refused to register it. However, I did manage to get a wall patch, paint over the hole and clean the paint up, without any repercussions, except for maybe sending my dad to secret therapy sessions he doesn't want us to know about.
**TL;DR Punched a hole in the wall, tried to paint over it, dad sees me naked covered in paint.**
Unphunny: One word: Paragraph.
[deleted]: This reads like a highschooler who went on a booze cruise in his dad's house. Which, let's be honest, that's probably exactly the case.
Either way I got a good chuckle out of it.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1406527563 | 1406544382 | t3_2bx894 | t5_2to41 | 76 | nopeterparker: TIFU by Spidermanning my ex-girlfriend's sister...
Sorry for the length of this...
Went out of town with my ex-girlfriend's sister to a concert festival in New England this weekend. My ex and I had a very civil breakup, and she is happy with someone else. Meanwhile, her older sister and I have become platonic friends in the six months following the breakup. I was initially not attracted to her, but we bonded over mutual music interests, and began going to shows together. Over time, however, we drunkenly hooked up. This happened only three times, and we never fully consummated the relationship.
Every time, we would decide it wasn't worth risking our friendship for, and promised it would not happen again. Which brings us to tonight...
We are at the festival and drunk. As usual, I fear/feel that something is going to happen. We are sharing a spare bed for our stay, and the temptation is there. Out of respect for the ex, and my new friend, I don't want to have feelings for her. Cuddling is fine; sex is not. We finally make it back to her cousin's apartment (where we are staying), and and she drops the truth bomb on me:
"I don't want to sleep in the same bed as you, because of what happened, nopeterparker. I hope you understand."
I did and I didn't. I wanted her comfortable and unthreatened around me. But I did like being near her, and had developed an interest in her. But I let her go sleep in another room. Naturally, I was pent up with frustration, and turned to r/gonewild for some "visual relief".
Things progressed, and soon I was at maximum overdrive. So as not to sully the cousin's bed, I finished in my hand. After a breather, I made my way to the bathroom to clean the boys off my hand. Due to my inebriation, I failed to notice the closed bathroom door or light coming from the bottom. As I reached for the knob with my clean hand, she opened it from the inside. She had washed her face to get ready for bed, and was coming out. Losing my grip on the knob, drunk, in my bare feet, and startled, I slipped. This caused my web shooting hand to essentially, shoot my load all over the nice dress she wore to the show.
Fuck.
Our eyes locked for what was the proverbial eternity. Then, she pushed past me with a shudder, and slammed the door to the other room.
I lay here typing this, terrified that I ruined even my friendship with a great girl...
Tl;Dr: Ambivalent hookups with ex's sister leads to rejection. OP jerks off to relieve stress. Ends up Spidermanning ex's sister whilst trying to remain a polite guest.
jarray: Should have whipped it all over your face so you could say it was a face cream and she wouldn't have thought too much of it
stevenlongs: Then there would be a "TIFU wiping jizz on my own face"
| 3 | 25.333333 | |
1406536137 | 1406546402 | t3_2bxg69 | t5_2to41 | 9 | reginaldtato: TIFU by getting my boss's house banned from chatroulette.
He owns several houses and lets employees stay in them when they work overseas. I was lonely and showed my dick on chatroulette. The houses' internet is now banned and they got a screenshot of me with my dick out. Anyone who visits chatroulette from his house sees the ban. Fuck.
tfyuhjnbgf: Your not allowed to show cock on chat roulette?
discordkitty: That's practically all I see there.
| 3 | 3 | |
1406537470 | 1406537820 | t3_2bxh9q | t5_2to41 | 80 | pronavailable: TIFU by not locking my door (NSFW)
I was getting drunk with some friends and ended up seeing a girls exposed breasts. It's been a while since I've been with a girl so this got me horny but I was unable to seal the deal. I went home and put on some of the good old porn thinking it would solve my problem. Using my new headphones that are supposed to be noise cancelling I started to go to town on myself. About 10 minutes into my session I thought I had heard a noise, I look over to be staring at my mom. Dick in hand all I could do was stare, her response was to ask "have you seen the dog?" I looked at my dog then back at her and said "he's right here." With horror on her face she walked out the door with the dog following her back to bed.
Hamypig: >new headphones that are supposed to be noise cancelling
You do know this doesn't mean it cancels the noises you make right?
pronavailable: haha yeah, its late and I wasn't expecting anyone else to be up
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1406539861 | 1406646912 | t3_2bxj8t | t5_2to41 | 26 | amazishh: TIFU by pointing out to a fat girl she's fat in public.
I was at a shopping mall a few weeks ago with my friend.It was the end of season sale and naturally all the trial rooms were full.I wanted to try this dress I loved and was waiting in the queue for nearly 10 minutes.
Enter: A slightly heavy,annoyingly loud girl ,standing right behind me in the line.Its been 2 minutes only and she starts to whine about the waiting to her bf,who was standing next to her in the queue. It was almost like she's cursing me for standing in her way. Anyways,my friend was out of sight,so I just stepped aside to call him,just in case I needed his opinion on the dress.
I turn around and the same girl is occupying my place now in the queue and I was the next one to go in!! I was furious,but since it was so crowded there ,I didn't wanna create a scene. But I was MAD! I politely told her, "Hi,I think I was before you in the line'. She has the audacity to tell me,'No,I was here first'! The nerve she has!! I was like WOW! First I listen to her rants about the long line,then she takes up my place like a smart ass! Not done woman!Not done!
Anyways,my turn comes and I occupy the room,while she is in the adjacent one. You are only allowed to take 3 garments at once and the smartass that she was,she kept yelling at her boyfriend from inside the room to hand over more dresses to her from the display.
I try on my dress. It looks great and I walk out. Then I see this ranting nagging woman who cut me out in the line,and nastily lied to my face in front of 10 people. I had to do something!
I muster all my courage and wit and try to say something smart and mean.Only one line comes out of my mouth.
'NOTHING fits you,right?'
Absolute silence for 5 seconds.
I just walk out without looking at her,Without looking back. Then I hear everyone laughing. It was the perfect exit.
BUT,after miss smartass recovers from the initial shock of what the fuck just happened,she comes after me.Literally!
She starts running after me and I ran! For my life! FAAACK!!!I clearly remember being chased by her,trying to lose her in the aisles and being called a toad!Calls me a toad!(NO! I wasn't wearing green,I don't have the eyes,nose or mouth of an amphibian and I have pretty okay human skin).
I Located my friend,dropped the dress!And I said run! I remember him asking me,'Who's the girl who is calling you a toad bitch?'
I told him to shut up and and we got the hell out of there.
I was cracking up all day remembering that one line that was probably the best comeback I could ever come up with.
I was mean,but she started it!
misinformed66: You didn't fuck up. Fatties need to be told they are fatties. Between haes and people like ragen, they need to be publicly shamed to all hell.
ReptiliaOrgan: why?
misinformed66: A. Because being fat is not healthy.
B. Because business should not have to cater to them.
C. Because Fat is not a disability. It's a self imposed issue.
D. Because We have to pay for their care.
E. Because frankly, it's disgusting.
F. Because smokers get shamed for their self imposed issue. Fatties need to as well.
ReptiliaOrgan: Fair enough each to their own, guess I'm one of those people who doesn't care about things other people do that don't affect me.
edit: I can words
misinformed66: It does effect you though. Your tax dollars pay for them.
LewsTherinKinslayer3: You are misinformed in 66 ways, you are an idiot.
LePure: Go back to your super king sized triple whooper, ham planet sized fries, cardboard box sized onion rings with onion sour cream sauce and that 2 liter of diet coke "because you have to be healthy and trying to slim down"..
LewsTherinKinslayer3: Nah I don't eat fast food often man. No I was just pointing out that public shaming is about the worst thing you can do, it can cause them to eat even more. Anyways the average slightly overweight person is probably a byproduct of a society that focuses on office work and time at the office taking up a lot of time. Also yes obese people that cant and are taking tax money to take care of them and are jerks to everyone deserve shaming, just not everyone who is fat.
LePure: And I was so hoping for an SRS shitstorm here! Dangit!
| 10 | 2.6 | |
1406545970 | 1406882637 | t3_2bxi5a | t5_2to41 | 8 | naratcis: Shit stop scaring me I just googled it up and the symptoms match my infection... I hope it is not that!
castle78: Definitely staph, dude. Go to the hospital.
naratcis: how can you tell did you have that before? ARe you suggesting I should go to the hospital immediately instead of going to the doctor tomorrow?
edit: You made me go to the hospital im a fucking hypochonder, didnt you know?? So i went to see a doctor -> he basically said not much, looked at me "uhmm ohh yeah doesnt look too bad, how you feeling?" me: "good except for this ugly shit on my face" he: "yeah well you probably squeezed some bacterias into your pimple and thus infected the surrounding area, I ll prescribe you some cream, use it for a couple of days and it should all be fine"
castle78: Ah, well, at least now you know it's not staph ;)
naratcis: well it is maybe, when I asked the doc if it was staph, he replied yeah it could be that there are staph bacterias involved in the infection, but he didnt really care, I think to them it doesnt matter much since they treat these kind of infections with the same kind of antibiotics anyway and according to them my infection looked like it was healing on its own anyway but they prescribed me antibiotics nonetheless, to make sure they dont spread somewhere else in the body.
castle78: Good to know you're on the mend, mate
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1406543314 | 1406579241 | t3_2bxm2c | t5_2to41 | 201 | throwaway020465: TIFU by seeming like a nazi
So a little background: I’m from Germany and a few years ago, I participated in an exchange program to the US.
So I was at this party at a friend’s from my American High School. It was in 2006 and we were watching the soccer game Germany – USA, so I had painted two little Germany flags onto my face.
After the game was over and everyone was sitting around and drinking, I needed some air and wanted to go outside. However, I went through the wrong door and ended up in a room full of books. Being the curious snoop I am, I took a look around and suddenly saw a copy of Hitler’s *Mein Kampf* on the shelf (It later turned out the host’s grandpa had brought it back from World War II when he fought in Germany as a “souvenir”).
Needless to say, I was rather shocked and taken aback, so naturally I grabbed the copy and opened it. Not only was it a seemingly official copy of the book, there was also a swastika armband hidden in it.
I had just taken the armband out of it and was looking at the book, when somebody entered the room. It was an African-American guy (to whom I had literally just been introduced as “The German exchange student”). He found me seemingly engrossed in a copy of *Mein Kampf*, holding a swastika armband and having two Germany flags painted on my face.
Awkwardness ensued and I scrambled for an explanation. Luckily, we later laughed about it, but that was hands down one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.
**TL;DR**: A guy walked in on me reading a copy of *Mein Kampf*
Mamatmelayu: The German guilt. Even had to use a throwaway account for his tifu
workaccno33: And it is well justified.
pianoman1291: I think it's important to be aware of our past mistakes as a race. But I think that to feel guilty for something that happened before you were born is sort of pointless. Retarded even. If OP was in high school in '06 he had nothing to do with WWII
workaccno33: We aren't a race we are a nation. You know what I think is retarded? 70 million dead oh well you have to be more relaxed about the past
Usernam123: Umm. Might wanna check your numbers there, pal.
| 6 | 33.5 | |
1406546850 | 1406578955 | t3_2bxpa2 | t5_2to41 | 3,096 | not-a-prince: Tifu by getting my students mildly high.
Unlike most fu's this literally happened this morning. To make things clear I do smoke weed once in a while and have nothing against ADULTS smoking weed. So today the secondary school where I teach were holding a quranic recitation for eid celebrations. As a closeted atheist I had no choice but to volunteer in "gods work" as most of the teachers did too. I got info from the class snitch that two students have brought a megafuckton of weed to sell to "aid" celebrations. I got them and got the weed. As a drug enforcement agent wanna be i made them burn it all in class with everybody still inside. The coughs of a few students made me realized my collosal fu. I evacuated the class but by then most were mildly high. This being nigeria, nothing is going to come out of this, but i really did fucked up.
Edit: took a while but i've upvoted every single comment on this thread both positive and negative (except deragatory comments, fuck those guys). Long live karma!
aloxvicius: Wait wait wait wait wait. Let me get this straight. You confiscated some substantial amount of reefer from two kids, in front of a classrom full of students learning about "gods work". Then you proceeded to set the reefer on fire in a classroom full of children? I'm calling bullshit.
not-a-prince: Everything on the internet is true, havent you got the memo? Seriously though not to take a cheap shot at religion or anything, seems religion and corruption go hand in hand, generally speaking not specifically.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: What is your native language?
not-a-prince: Hausa/fulani
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: I think the original poster was making a jab at you about how burning a bunch of weed in a classroom doesn't really sound like something that happened. AKA /r/thatHappened
Alex_Rose: He acknowledged that in literally the first 6 words in his very first reply.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: Sounded like a joke to me
Alex_Rose: It was a joke, he's saying "Yes, anything on the internet could be lies", because there's no point trying to prove an unproveable claim.
But your response to him was "he thinks you're bullshitting" - it's irrelevant whether he's joking or not, he *understood* that the dude thinks he's bullshitting, that's why he directly responded to it.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: It was more of a "how about a little more clarification," type of thing. Those kid of subtleties are often lost on people who don't speak English as their first language.
Alex_Rose: Except that he understood it completely, as we can tell from the context of his first reply, before you decided to probe him to find out what languages he knew, and then explain a statement he already understood, so you could assume he's missed the point because of the language barrier, because you missed the joke.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: Well, congrats. I'm really glad you're so sharp and you got it immediately; I'm super proud of you. I however wouldn't mind some extra clarification since there's not exactly that much detail in his story.
Laggo: Why not just admit you were wrong instead of being a dick about it at the end?
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: I'm the one being a dick? And I said from the start I'd like more clarification.
HeAnswers42: Your statements are implying that you were trying to prove he was lying in a roundabout way and feel that you had. With terrible reasoning. So yes.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: What? No, you're projecting that.
HeAnswers42: You took a very straightforward joke, asked him what his first language was, and then construed that to mean that he originally must have been speaking literally and thus he was lying originally. All while presented with OP's quite decent English skills (in everything he's typed) as a counterpoint. Maybe you're the one who doesn't understand English too well.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: Yet everyone continues replying to me to learn me a lesson.
HeAnswers42: I'll ignore the obvious bait, but point back to the fact that you probably don't know what projecting means as you're using it as a buzzword. In context it's just out of place.
While I am the one being a dick now, if you honestly think "Well, congrats. I'm really glad you're so sharp and you got it immediately; I'm super proud of you." is not immensely dickish (as a cherry on top of the rest) you've got a number of life lessons left to learn. Whether your English language skills are lacking or not, you at least know enough to communicate sarcasm.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: Lol, I asked a simple question, made a wrong assumption, and people went out of their way to comment and be dicks about it. I chose to reply with sarcasm because I don't care what any rando on the internet thinks of me. Are you sure you know what projecting means?
> to ascribe one's own feelings, thoughts, or attitudes to others
You insinuated that I thought OP was lying, when I simply thought he misunderstood considering his primary language isn't English (happens often on here). Also, you didn't ignore the bait, you swallowed it whole.
HeAnswers42: And for me to project what I was thinking onto your actions and end up with what I typed I would first have to have those same "feelings, thoughts or attitudes" myself. Given that I was directly attacking your thoughts on the matter as being completely off base, that word does not fit there at all.
... says the guy who's entertaining me and helping me stay awake for the last hour of my 36 hour shift. ;)
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: "Pedantry is the dotage of knowledge" -Holbrook Jackson
HeAnswers42: Using a word closer to the exact opposite (or rather, completely devoid) of its intended meaning (and me calling it out as such) is as far away from pedantry as you can get. You really don't have much of a grasp on English, I guess.
MyWorkThrowawayShhhh: I bet you really piss off your SO, but I'm bored and it's time to go home. So fuck off.
HeAnswers42: Giving me gold for that drivel was a nice touch. Heheh. G'night.
Alex_Rose: Now I feel cheated. :P
| 26 | 119.076923 |
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