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1409215599 | 1409335177 | t3_2et1ze | t5_2to41 | 4 | foreigndrama: TIFU by throwing away my sex toys
So this ACTUALLY happened today.
Me and my BF were awoken quite early by the construction workers who, for the upcoming months, are doing work on our apartment complex. They were doing some kind of drilling which was making a sick amount of noise, so we decided there was no point in trying to go back to sleep. Instead, we chose to gather up some old furniture and other stuff we wanted to get rid of, throw it in the communal dumpster, and then go for a morning jog. While looking around for things I wanted to throw out, I remembered that I had a box containing some sex toys that I no longer used. Secretly, I tucked the box in a trash bag with some other waste.
We got rid of the waste and went for our jog. As we were coming back, I suddenly remembered that the box I had kept the toys in was actually the box they were delivered in. It had a label with my name and previous address on it. I panicked. I didn’t know how the garbage would be handled when it got picked up, and I did not want to risk to be connected to these items if the superintendent or someone else went through the stuff.
I decided I had to get back and remove the label. The problem was, my BF was still with me. I told him that I had fucked up somehow with the stuff I had thrown away (not revealing what had actually happened) and insinuated that maybe he could run ahead home. He failed to pick up on this however, and declared he would accompany me back to the dumpster.
Once we got there, I realized this was going to get even worse. By the container stood one of the construction workers. I realized I would have to go fishing for the box in front of him as well. Deeply ashamed, I find the bag, dig through it until I find the box, and peel off the label. The construction worker gave us a confused smile as we left. My BF still hasn’t asked me what the episode was all about, but he probably thinks there is something seriously wrong with me.
**Tl;dr: tried to throw away box containing sex toys. Forgot box had my name on it. Had to go digging through garbage in front of my boyfriend and a construction worker.**
Edit: wording
CaffienatedSoap: I am more curious about what was in the box.
ethnicman: What's in da booax?? What's in da booax??
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409221204 | 1409314946 | t3_2et6sa | t5_2to41 | 345 | RecoveringApologist: TIFU by getting my wisdom teeth out, utterly ashamed.
Four impacted wisdom = Put under general anesthesia and acting loopy afterwards. I asked my friends what happened after I sobered up, here it is:
- I was whispering/singing let the bodies hit the floor while I was lowering my head.
- confessed to my friend that I wanted to piss on her dog
- exclaimed that i was going to make australia a better tomorrow
- told the nurse that her shirt was a size too big (friends said she had big titties)
- cried because i was told i couldn't eat food
- told the hospital staff that i would come back and rescue them
- confessed that i once saw two birds mating but i didn't look away
- told my friend she was too skinny, i hated her boyfriend, i enjoyed smelling her
- told the other that her breath always smelt so nice, i wanted to lick her fingernails, i've thought about her a lot and screaming at the top of my lungs for her love
That's not even all of it. They're both treating me a bit weird after I sobered up. I don't remember it at all and only a few things I truly believe was said. There's so much of it that was not me and yet I'm still taking the fall for it.
Cewkie: DID YOU RESCUSE THE HOSPITAL STAFF OR NOT?!
scix: No. They all died.
Cewkie: rip
SirShrimpeh: in peace
slippyslapper: in pepperonis.
callofsloth: in peaches
VENOMOUSbullet: In potatoes
| 8 | 43.125 | |
1409217388 | 1662068001 | t3_2et3fb | t5_2to41 | 25 | youareanassmaggot: TIFU by suggesting that Hank Hill was a positive depiction of an Autistic person in the media.
I'm at my favorite rpg store, as I wanted to relax after an incredibly exhausting weekend at a wedding. I was hoping to join up with a group, at least play some DnD encounters. When I arrived, there was a small group, a little younger than me, in the back of the store. I said hello to the management, and made polite conversation with other patrons at the front of the store. After a brief period of time, I walked to the back, and introduced myself to the group, and asked if they were the DnD group.
"We're *a* DnD group," said one of the ladies in the group. She came off a more than a little cold, but my city is known for a 'freeze', so I didn't mind it. I asked some questions, and got a feel for the group. I didn't see a DM, so I went to hang out with the owner, as we are friendly.
One of the guys in aforementioned group started jumping into conversation with the owner about M:tG, who quickly told him about the weekly events at the store. He then directed him to speak to me about Conspiracy, as I have played before.
I give a basic explanation, and we continue talking about Magic strategy, jokes, etc. Somehow, the conversation turned to King of the Hill. In my opinion, and I've spoken to others (with and without autism, inb4 "I have a friend with autism"), Hank Hill is on the Autism spectrum, at least high functioning autistic. I feel that they way he deals with daily life and his personal challenges (we all got them) represent autism in a positive light.
One of the women sitting nearby begins getting confused. I try to explain politely my opinion and that I am not intending to offend. She begins getting huffy, says "**I cannot have this conversation right now**" three or four times, and has already been yelling at me. I am diagnosed PTSD, and can not handle random people yelling at me, due to a rather scary childhood. I look at her friend that I had been speaking to, shocked.
"I'm out," I said, quickly packing my things to leave. I stand up and begin walking out the door.
"You aren't playing DnD tonight," the store owner had asked puzzled, as I had sounded very excited before.
"Nope, got stuff to do at the thing." I left, quickly walking away, fighting the bitter sting of tears. I don't like confrontation, especially when someone begins acting victimized by me (I would hope most people wouldn't), and I had felt bullied in this instance. I had not spoken to her, I had not intended offense with the comment, and I repeatedly tried to be polite, yet I was yelled at by a stranger.
I got home in a foul mood. I explained the situation to my housemates, and they provided good advice got future confrontations. They explained what happened, and how leaving let her win and treat the FLGS like her club. My house mate considered me her little brother, and called the owner. The owner and my housemate are good friends, having known each other for twice as ling as I have (like they HUG when they see each other).
She explains the situation to him, and asks if she may come down (it's best for her to ask first), and that she will bring me along. We get down there, and when I walk in the door, I see the two ladies. They stare daggers at me. My housemate and I say our greetings and sit near the front. Over two hours, we chat with other patrons about art, media, and politics. It was all friendly and polite. I did not make a point of looking at the ladies or even the group, but I wasn't making a point of purposefully not looking. Precisely, I was minding my own business. I notice eventually that the two ladies walk past us, and the one who had yelled at me was distraught.
I later got to talk to the owner, and catch up. I again explained the situation, and was told not to worry. She has apparently done this before, and he would have a stern talk with her next week when she comes in after school.
At this point, I realize my fuck up: I got bullied by a highschool nerd girl.
TL;DR- **I got bullied by a highschooler for suggesting that Hank Hill is a positive example of autistic people in the media. And I didn't get to play DnD.**
Mood-Rising: 7 years late, but I found this searching to see if anyone else thought he was autistic. I was recently diagnosed, and I see a lot of the same traits in him.
resplendence4: Greetings from 5 days in the future. I just wrapped up a conversation where we were discussing if Hank is autistic and decided to google it. My social group is leaning yes.
Fickle_Winner2039: Greetings from one day in the future. I was just thinking about this myself and it seems to fit to me.
BananaPhoPhilly: same here lol that's why I found this post. A lot of people seem to think he has OCD or is on the spectrum, I lean towards yeah probably
HoweverItHasToHappen: Just watched S4E20 (lol), Hank was gleefully describing the minutiae of propane tank fittings to Bobby. This man is autistic. He reminds me of my dad (Republican, probably autistic) A LOT.
SephirothYggdrasil: Remember how he loves to jangle his keys? If that's not stimmig...
| 7 | 3.571429 | |
1409213515 | 1409225754 | t3_2et09n | t5_2to41 | 22 | rotirahn: TIFU by trying to impress girls walking on the sidewalk
So this story is from my teen years as many of the posts here.
For the story to make sense, I should first describe some facts about my country. I live in Istanbul -Turkey and there is a rather interesting type of public transport here called "minibus". Basically it is a small bus that goes on a planned route but doesn't have specific stations. You signal to it like a taxi and it picks you up, when you want to get out you tell the driver and he stops. This type of transportation is common in crowded cities such as Istanbul which has a population of more than 20 millions packed in a small land. This is also one of the reasons why traffic is a mess and minibus drivers are especially known for driving dangerously. The more rounds they make during the day the more people they carry, so they tend to be very fast at their stops, giving you barely enough time to jump in or out.
Anyways, it was a very hot summer weekend around 13 years ago when I was 16. It was also around the time when I barely held back from jerking off to anything and everything I've seen. I was completely under control of my hormones and my battle-worn dick. I don't remember very well but I had some errands to do on the other side of the city (I lived in european side and I had to cross Istanbul bosphorus to go on asian side) so I decided to catch a ferry. I put on the best looking outfits according to my 16 years old brain and left the house feeling like Eros. I hopped on a minibus to catch the next ferry but because of a miscalculation I noticed I already missed it. I was thinking about how hot the weather was and how pointless it was to sweat in the minibus when I noticed two incredibly beautiful girls in horizon, walking on the sidewalk next to us. Then I came up with a genius plan: I was gonna get out right in front of the girls in such a way that they were gonna fall in love with this human image of a god right then and there. Just before the minibus caught up to the girls, I shouted the driver to stop and he opened the doors before the minibus stopped, just as I expected. The operation was a go:
I held by the steel rod of the automatic door and leaned towards outside, looking directly at the girls. Just as we were passing by them I jumped up in the air with a sexy hip twist. I flew like an eagle for a few seconds, blinking and smiling at all the lesser beings who were admiring my athletic feats. Then right in front of the girls I smoothly landed on the ground like a feather. All the spotligths were on me right there. The girls couldn’t process what they were seeing for a second and I didn’t blame them for beeing overwhelmed under so much sexyness. Then they jumped on me, kissing me everywhere and whispering “fuck me, fuck me!!” to my ears. ...Well... that’s how it should have happened but life doesn’t always bring what we want right?
I held by the steel rod of the automatic door and leaned towards outside, looking directly at the girls. Just as we were passing by them I jumped up in the air with a sexy hip twist. I flew like an eagle for a few seconds, blinking and smiling at all the lesser beings who were admiring my athletic feats. Then right in front of the girls I hit the ground like a wrecking ball hitting a building. I was not expecting such a hard landing so I couldn’t let go of the rod. The driver tought I got out already so instead of coming to a halt he started accelerating which caused my already unbalanced body to bounce like a gazelle. I let go of the rod by reflex after noticing my step length was like 10 meters and faceplanted to the sidewalk with all my might. I would like to say that everything ended there but I was surprised back then also when I bounced back to my feet and started running again. I owe a thank you for that to momentum. Needless to say I tumbled and fell again in just a few seconds. To this day I can still vaguely hear the laughters of the girls and minibus passengers when I go to sleep.
TL,DR : I made an ass of myself while getting out of a bus
rotirahn: Hey that's a very funny story. Have a gold!
Bodach: Well, wasn't expecting that. :D There you go!
rotirahn: I love you!
Bodach: awww!
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1409224750 | 1409369771 | t3_2etac3 | t5_2to41 | 125 | Tim7459: TIFU by not doing up my fly after having a wank .
My high school is having a music concert, and i was really nervous about performing so i headed to the bathroom to have a quicky. i quickly got up some big booty ebony porn on my phone and jacked off as fast as i could, it helped having premature ejaculation. when i finished i realised i had 4 minutes to get on stage, so i ran as fast as i could and made it just on time. half way through my performance i see some people snickering and i just ignored it and continued to play / sing. when i finished i walked off confidently to my teacher asking him how i went, to which he replied "next time beat your sausage well before you perform". turns out my fly was undone, and there was a wet patch on my underwear. im to scared to go to school tomorrow.
EDIT: Thanks for gold! I sat in class with the teacher who had said that yesterday (friday), he gave me cheeky smiles but didnt bring it up. :)
OliStabilize: I don't even.. Would you fap in the lift on the way to an interview? I get the feeling you would.
nassunnova: And then jizz on a picture of your interviewer?
slimmysreplays: I remember that guy lol
Tipsly: How could you forget?
slimmysreplays: True
| 6 | 20.833333 | |
1409201248 | 1409247334 | t3_2esnem | t5_2to41 | 4 | somebodyalwaysknows: TIFU by playing wingman for too long
So yeah, this too goes back a decade, but I recall the evenings events vividly.
I was in my mid 20's, flatting with a good mate in somewhat of a 'relaxed' home. It certainly lacked a bit of class, with 'stadium' sofa seating, vodka bottles for speaker stands and a forever changing the street facing window display of lights and paraphernalia. Its relative location also made it a prime spot for our friends to come by for a few drinks prior to hitting some bars.
So one Saturday night, waiting upon another close friend in particular to pop on by, I have a few drinks and getting ready. Tonight, this means opting to go for another round of dress up's, in what we would call 'Krap' threads. Tonight would include a grey pin stripe suit from the 70's, white shirt (with large collar pointing to the sky), a pocket square, gold chains, gold tinted sunglasses and a fairly medium sized fro. Occasionally it would also involve heading outside to meet people whilst in a Gene Simmons mask, whilst attempting to consume a fresh martini.
My friend who we shall name 'Eddie', was always late - to this day he will always arrive well after the agreed time. No problem though - except for my liver. He turns up with his girlfriend as well - all good! Eventually there is a small lively group of us.
We all have a few more drinks before progressing into the city and hitting some bars. As the night moves on, the numbers dwindle, until eventually Eddie and I are the only two remaining units. That is until Eddie makes contact with a bogey - blonde, average looks. but not that I could tell at first as they were locked together.
I let them be and just enjoyed the night, keeping a vague eye on him as I sense trouble.
In what seemed like no time, it was closing time and the bar turned on all the lights over us boys and girls, whilst they opened the doors and let us out into the world. The question I wondered was - what game was Eddie playing. I had yet to feel awkward, but needed an indication if he was going to do a runner and we would share a taxi home, or was he switching to guns and moving in close for the kill.
Turns out they were heading for coffee and the third wheel was invited! No problem then. Let's go! At that time of morning I can only imagine what rank coffee could possibly be available - not that I really cared, I would be happy with another shot to be fair.
We're walking for 5 minutes, when the blonde suggested we just pop into her work for a coffee or drink. Well, how bad could that be? As for the quality of the coffee I have no idea, as a short time later I was a little more awake, a little more sober, a little more uncomfortable and a little more concerned for Eddie. Her place of work turned out to be a brothel. The classy night continues!
Once inside, the blonde puts Eddie at ease "I'm not an escort, I just work behind the bar". Oh, good. "Topless". Oh, right. "But that's it". Uh huh.
The flowing conversation was interrupted by the arrival of her brunette friend. The conversation then moved to ensuring they had our real contact details and advising if they were false details, they would track us down and harm us. Thankfully, they appeared not to be able to track us down...
So far so good. Am stuck in the bar of a brothel, with a mate (who has a girlfriend waiting at home) with two girls demanding we see them again sometime.
We're soon to wonder if there will be a sometime, post a heated phone call that the blonde has. Turns out her boyfriend is wondering where she is and he is threatening to turn up to her work to check if she is there. Great! "Oh he's just bluffing".
Ten minutes later a large bloke is walking down the driveway and apparently towards the only entrance / exit available. It is her boyfriend.
Much swearing and shuffling later, Eddie and I are whisked away to a hiding place. Down a hallway, through a room with a large spa pool and into a small dark cupboard. From there, we can here some raised voices for a small time, then quiet. It's quiet for some time.
Out of courtesy the blonde visits us and tells us to stay put.
WTF are we doing, in an unlit closet of a brothel and maybe 6am on a Sunday morning, dressed as small time wannabe 70's pimp!
So I text another friend, asking for advice - but of course he isn't awake. The cellphone light is poor, so I use a cigarette lighter to try and see what is around us. Just a broom, paint and flammable liquids. Excellent!
It seems like we've been in there forever and it is still quiet, but it is time to make a move out of there.
We tip toe into the spa room. Still quiet. We marvel at the size of the spa pool and thinking of images that we don't really need to be thinking of with bellies full of alcohol. Slowly we open the door to the hall way. Still quiet. We're out of sight of the bar area and spot a door that looks vaguely like an exit door. Is it alarmed? Is it locked? Will it create a large noise? We must find out.
We sneak through the door into a stairwell that is well lit by an exterior wall of glass. So close to freedom! We hold position contemplating where we can go next, when I receive a reply text from the other friend. Poor chap is far too tired to understand our dilemma and is plain confused.
This side of the building layout, with the landscape and carparks etc etc, could have exits above or below. We opt to go down the stairs to find an exit door! Thank baby Jesus! We didn't care if this door was alarmed or noisy, we yanked the bolts / levers and made the dash for freedom!! Well, freedom initially involved running straight into the local morning markets, but we didn't care that we looked as bad as we did, exiting from the back exit of a brothel - we were free!
We hadn't run so far for so long. There was no stopping us - all the way to bus stop we decided. The next bus was not far away. Taking us close to home, stopping close to our local Sunday morning market and a delightful post session snack from a vendor. "You boys coming or going?" asked the operator.
"We're going home my friend going home - and may not go back for a very long time"
TLDR; played dress-ups, had drinks with friends, friend hooks into girl, he and I go to her work for coffee, her work is a brothel and she hides us away in a closet when her boyfriend turns up, before we escape to freedom.
moustachemall: Did her BF ever find your and Eddie's contact info and try and beat you up. Sounded more like he was a real pimp out to check on his girls.
somebodyalwaysknows: I didn't hear of any contact, but that does not necessarily mean Eddie never received any. Eddie was with his girlfriend of that period for some time. He did the dirty on her many a time I discovered, so he would only be getting what was deserved.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409229712 | 1409250349 | t3_2etfvx | t5_2to41 | 2 | hi_i_am_good_person: TIFU by Eating an Electric Snake [NSFW]
Murican_deal_with_it: Wtf is an electric snake?
hi_i_am_good_person: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Murican_deal_with_it: Oh.. ill believe.
hi_i_am_good_person: A metal snake made of electricitums. It doesn't bite, but you can't digest it.
Murican_deal_with_it: What. The. FUCK.
hi_i_am_good_person: Trust me. I'm an electro-zoologist specializing in cybergenetic evolution. Who would make this up?
| 7 | 0.285714 | |
1409208962 | 1409238953 | t3_2esw1t | t5_2to41 | 9 | lenthatswho: TIFU by picking a fight with my not-so-little brother.
TIFU enough for my first post! Ever. Woo. It's a long one, but I'm a writer, so.
**Context:**
Just a little necessary insight, I'm ten years older than my younger brother. When he was born, I was basically a little mother and I took care of him a lot...our mother loves us, but isn't very good at parenting, unfortunately. I feel like I might resent him a little because so much of my childhood (I'm now 24 and he's 14) was spent making sure he was okay. It makes things pretty tense when I come home to visit now. He doesn't like it when I try to mother him, but that's how I'm used to being. Mistake #1.
**Context #2:**
My 14 year old brother could be a sumo wrestler. Probably. He's huge. He dwarfs every other child in his class and we can't let him participate in sports because we are worried he might injure someone. (That should have been my first clue.) He's chubby, kind of overweight - but mostly he's just RIDICULOUSLY tall. It's the kind of situation where if he were thinner, people would think he's sick simply because of his height. He's proportionate, but big. The whole thing put together is a fairly frightening sight if you piss him off.
Which I managed to do today (technically yesterday, since now its after midnight).
I'm also tall, about 5'11", but he still has me by like four or five inches at this point (plus like a hundred pounds). Being that he's so big, we often forget that he's still fairly young, and I personally usually treat him like he's older. Mistake #2.
So the actual story starts off with him trying to turn on this Android tablet that he got for Christmas. It's clearly dead, hasn't been used in ages, and the screen comes on for a few seconds when he plugs in the charger and then nothing happens. I can tell that he's getting annoyed, so I tell him to leave it plugged in for awhile and see if it just needs to really charge. He doesn't like that idea, says the charger must be broken. So he tries to use our mum's cell charger instead. I mention to him that the cell charger won't charge the tablet enough because the tablet is bigger than the phone it is meant to charge, but he is just having none of it. He takes the tablet and storms off onto our sun room, which is an enclosed porch-type room where he plays Xbox. That's also where the air conditioner is, and in his anger he has closed the door behind him.
Now, normally, I'd have opened the door myself, so I don't know what made me holler, "Open that door back up!"
He doesn't. I assume he's back to messing with the tablet.
I call three more times for him to open the door, and finally, annoyed at being ignored (and getting hot), I get up. I march into the sun room, where he is sitting cross-legged on the floor, having cast the tablet aside in favor of his Xbox. He is still ignoring me. Thinking nothing of it, I go up to him and whap him not all that roughly upside the back of his head, like you'd see in a sitcom or something. It's common in my family, happens all the time (should I mention we are part black?); doesn't really hurt and lets the kid know he needs to pay attention.
That was mistake #3.
This kid *flies* off the floor faster than a damn rattlesnake -faster than I've ever seen him move, to be honest - and flips a complete shit on me, yelling about how I'm not his mother and I can't touch him. He goes to swing at me, so in self defense I end up hitting him in the chest. Which did about as much good as hitting a bull with a flyswatter. He is in full blown fit mode and also now my hand hurts.
He grabs my left wrist and is holding it tightly while he tries to grab my other arm to stop me from hitting him again. I gotta say, suddenly I'm a little afraid cause I'm realizing he's a hell of a lot stronger than I am, but I can't stop trying to squirm out of his grip cause I'm so pissed off that he actually started a *fight* with me in the first place.
At this point he decides I'm standing my ground too well, so he starts using his weight to *shove* me back through the doorway. I'm doing everything I can not to move, but this is like David vs Goliath and I forgot to eat my Wheaties this morning. I'm getting, like, rugburns on my bare feet from the friction, and my only option is to duck and squirm away, which I somehow manage to pull off successfully - until he grabs my left arm again and proceeds to attempt to pull me through the door.
My brain tells me now that if I don't give in, he's going to break my arm, cause he's not paying any attention to the angles at which this shit is playing out. In a feat of miraculous inner strength (and will to not incur my first broken bone[s]), I wrench my arm free and sit down in one of the chairs to regain my composure.
But now he's just angry that I'm in his space, and before I know it, he has gotten hold of one of my ankles and is attempting to full out drag me from the room. I hold onto the chair for dear life and manage to kick him off. When I stand up, I am bear-hugged and literally picked up off the floor so that he can put me out.
At this point my mother comes home and puts an end to the shenanigans, but not soon enough. A few hours after this mess, I go to reach for a plate in the cupboard and immediately regret it. My entire left side is sore - wrist, arm, ribs, hip, leg and ankle. Not just-got-a-beating sore but almost like did-a-really-hard-work-out-and-now-can't-move sore.
He didn't really *hurt* me, but I simply couldn't believe my younger brother is quite that strong and now I'm worried about his temper, to boot.
TL;DR: TIFU by getting into a fight with my huge younger brother and losing; now my wounds and dignity need time to heal.
-_-;
Voyager5555: "he actually started a fight with me "
Really? Because that's not how I read the story.
lenthatswho: I didn't start a FIGHT, I did something that in context happens all the time. Thus the reason I provided context?
Voyager5555: Not really, it sounds like you knowingly poked a bear.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409230349 | 1409246550 | t3_2etgq6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having social media in Junior High
TIFU by (five years ago) abandoning an Instagram account and forgetting the password.
Background:
I was an idiot as a kid, as most people are. Unfortunately, I was a special kind of idiot. Everyone says or does stupid things sometimes, I just happen to say and do stupid things way more than everyone else.
In Junior High I was trying to figure out who I was- a child or an adult. I was not self confident, pretty, cool, and no one knew I was actually smart. I made up for this by being loud and obnoxious, which I mistook as being funny.
I used social media like Instagram and Facebook as outlets for my awkward weirdness. I swear I was a little neckbeard in a twelve year old's body. I either used proper grammar, or misspelled words on purpose, and not ironically. I also used big words no one else understood at that grade level. I got it in my head that 'I didn't need a boyfriend, because guys are stupid', which was actually me avoiding the fact that a boy could NEVER like me for what I was. I was also RAnd0m!!1!, which I thought was cool... Also braces, greasy hair, bad clothing, and no knowledge of how to apply makeup properly. The whole shabang.
Now:
I managed to delete most of the horrors off my Facebook page, which I still have. What I didn't delete was my old Instagram. By some random fluke I found it again, and I don't think I have ever felt so much shame. There's a thousand+ images on there, though only about six are pictures of myself. The rest is 'funny' stuff I found, pictures of my dog, anime, bad drawings, and *sigh Kpop. (It's not my fault some of those Korean guys are gorgeous)
Problem is, I thought the account was deleted for being inactive ages ago. I don't remember the password, the email attached to the account is inactive (and might be gone. Either way I can't access it) so I cannot reset the password. The iPod which is still logged into the account after not being used for years is broken, and I basically have no other options. The personality I tried to bury is still out there...
I can't sleep because of how much this is stressing me out. I still go to school with a lot of the people who knew me during that awkward phase, and a lot of them would definitely make my life a living hell if they found the account. I'm still awkward and have acne, which makes it even worse.
Parents: Don't let your children have social media so early. Let them grow up without documenting their lives on a system that can never be fully erased. It doesn't matter who they are- a popular kid or a socially awkward nerd like me- they are going to look back on those selfies with regret and shame.
Oh the shame... So much shame...
badbluemoon: So... it's not really a fuck up, because the only person who cares (or even knows about this) is you.
ForgotYourNameNow: I guess... Thanks for putting it into perspective.
I'm still freaking out. I know some very mean people, and the account is not hard to find.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409232474 | 1409236392 | t3_2etjrb | t5_2to41 | 2 | Wafflecopter77: Can we start to make TIFU posts that actually happened today?
Voyager5555: I don't honestly see the point, 99% of stuff people aren't going to put up the same day, if you want it to just be "I fucked up" that would work, but putting a hard 24 hour limit is just asinine.
dboybr: You are correct, but often someone asks a question like "what happened next" and the poster says, I can't remember, it was 10 years ago! So, from that point of view, it would be nice if they were at least recent.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409232108 | 1409251005 | t3_2etj8h | t5_2to41 | 36 | [deleted]: TIFU by fingering an Irishman's arse [NSFW]
zayon00: I like the way you're telling stories.
renegadeforks_: too bad it's removed.
| 3 | 12 | |
1409232492 | 1409260828 | t3_2etjs3 | t5_2to41 | 161 | throaway759: TIFU by having sex with a girl in my hotel room, whilst on holiday.
[deleted]: That's not even your cousin its your in laws family there is nothing wrong with it
canwegoback: Says the southern redneck
amwulf_: not blood related so what's wrong with having a relationship with a person who is wife of your brother? there's nothing wrong wtf.
canwegoback: >wife of your brother
Yeah, there's a couple things wrong with that.
| 5 | 32.2 | |
1409234184 | 1409237547 | t3_2etm8e | t5_2to41 | 17 | PM_YO_FACE: TIFU by exercising in my underwear
It's fairly lengthy, so maybe skip to the tl;dr, although I'd suggest otherwise.
So I'd just got home from uni, and was keen to do my ab routine, push ups and other various exercises. I was wearing; jeans, a t-shirt and another casual button up shirt over that.
Anyways, instead of changing into more suitable clothes I say fuck it I'll just take off my jeans. I do a few sets and remember to put some music on. Meanwhile, while I'm upstairs I hear some people come over, usually I'm left alone, think nothing of it.
I'm at my desk, no pants, undies and the two shirts. My computer is turned on with my right hand gripping the mouse and my left holding my tablet. I'm navigating my PC for songs, while flicking through Facebook on my tablet(yeah I multi task unusually).
Then it happens, my sisters friend opens the door to say hey and I'm sitting down awkwardly(as if I'm about to get up), pants on the floor, sweaty and looking sheepish. She gasps, apologises and jogs back down the stairs. To make it worse, I quickly follow her open the door and then I see her family at the bottom of the stairs and me at the top of the staircase. I'm freezing up, stuttering "I-I-I was doing abs". Didn't make much sense to them, I turned around and went back to my room before they could say anything. I later explained to my parents and sister, they are understanding but it was still a crappy experience.
**to;dr:**Worked out with no pants, sisters friend walked into the room while I was putting on music. Looked like I was just done masturbating.
OliStabilize: OP ends up with sister's friend due to incredible abs.
PM_YO_FACE: Too bad I was wearing a shirt
OliStabilize: They were that impressive. Amirite?
ToneAbett: His abs or his nads?
OliStabilize: Both?
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1409235570 | 1409236032 | t3_2etofo | t5_2to41 | 5 | pxffles: TIFU by not reading the label before jerking off
Okay so this was a year ago now, but i'm quite new to reddit and I came across this subreddit and had to share my experience. So, this one night i was really horny and i just had to let it out. So, without reading the tub i unscrewed what i thought was Vaseline. I started using it and I felt something, but i just ignored it and carried on. In the middle of wanking i started to feel this burning sensation it was the weirdest feeling ever. So after a minute of this pain, it got really bad and very uncomfortable. I rushed to the bathroom and immediately grabbed a wet towel and started to rub it off. I tried really hard but it didn't come off and where I rubbed it. It began to really feel like fire, I was freaking out and started panicking. I had to be really quiet because this was around midnight and everyone was asleep. It turned out to be some medication rub my dad used. I don't have a clue how it came to my bed side table but this was by far the worst experience with wanking i have ever had.
[deleted]: Why would anybody just assume a tub has vaseline in it without looking at the tub? How did you see it and open it without looking at it? This leads me to believe the story is bullshit.
pxffles: I really needed to let it out and i knew i had vaseline on my bed side table, i also i thought i only had one tub on my table so i assumed it was vaseline.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409234832 | 1409262583 | t3_2etn7a | t5_2to41 | 58 | ElwoodBlues21: TIFU by causing my roommate to be filed as a Missing Person.
As many stories begin, this happened some time ago, about six years back to be exact. It's a long one, but I promise its worth the read.
It was my freshman year in college and I was going to a school over three hours away from home. The original plan was to room with a buddy from high school, but due to an administrative error in the Housing Department, we were split up. I was pretty bummed about the situation and upset that I was going to have to share a tiny space with a total stranger for an entire year. In an attempt to make up for the clerical error, the Housing Department placed me in one of the nicer dormitories usually set aside for athletes on scholarship instead of making me stay in the doldrums that were the freshman dorms.
The situation ended up working out in my favor. My roommate was one of the nicest and most passive kids in the world. He was up from Texas (we're in Tennessee) to go to school closer to his girlfriend, who had received a music scholarship to a school about 30 minutes away. He ended up walking on to the tennis team over the summer and was placed in this new swanky dorm with me.
Now a little backstory on the dorm we were in. The hall we were in was actually one of the older ones on campus, but had been remodeled a few years back when they decided to recommission it as one of the athletic dorms. It was an outdoor entrance dorm, almost a motel style, paired with an identical building that formed a nice little courtyard between the two (gotta keep those fornicatin' little hoodlums separated). It was also unique in that it was quad style. This meant that instead of sharing one large bathroom with an entire floor of frosh who couldn't pick up after themselves, you only shared it with three other rooms, so 8 people total. Keep this in mind for later.
I had decided to rush a fraternity that semester. This ended up not being my scene or anything that I enjoyed, but I digress. Anyways, its the weekend of fall break and our quad had completely emptied out, save myself and my roommate. He had things going on with the tennis team and I had some type of bullshit ritual retreat I had to go to for my pledge process.
So its early early Saturday morning, around 7 AM, and I was getting ready to leave for the weekend. I proceeded in my morning routine and my roommate did the same. He got a little later start than I did, so he was in the shower as I was brushing my teeth and getting ready to walk out the door. Now, in the quad style bathroom, you had the central bathroom with the four rooms that shared it adjacent to it on the outside. All the rooms locked the bathroom by deadbolt from inside your dorm so no one from the other rooms in the quad could come into yours unannounced. It had become a habit for me to lock the door as I left the bathroom without thinking, so that's what I did. I finished brushing my teeth and headed out to meet my pledge class at the fraternity house.
Keep in mind, we were being sent out of town for the weekend and wouldn't be back until early Monday morning. When we arrived at the fraternity house, my entire pledge class, save the class president, had to turn over our phones to the brothers so that we couldn't get any insight in to what exactly we were getting ourselves into from the more lenient brothers. So we all pile into a few cars and head out on the road.
Fast forward to around 4 AM Monday morning when my pledge class arrives back from what I'll only describe as a very uncomfortable few days. By the time we got back, all I wanted to do was pile into my single bed for the rest of fall break. If only it were that easy.
When I arrived back to the fraternity house to pick up my car, I was met by our Chapter President and a look of uneasiness on his face. He swiftly gave me my phone back and said that I needed to go to the Campus Police station immediately. He wouldn't tell me why, but only stated, "It sounds pretty fucking serious." So I drive to the police department and let the clerk know who I am and they immediately take me back to the police chief's office. After a few minutes the chief walks in and shows me a picture of my roommate and asks if I know who this is.
"Yea that's my roommate, blankedy blank. Why?"
"Well he's been reported as missing. He was last heard from Friday night and is soon to be categorized as a missing person. When was the last time you heard from him?"
My mind being kind of numb from the lack of sleep I was forced to endure over the weekend, I start to rack my brain and then proceed to say, " I saw him Saturday morning when we were both getting ready in the….."
Then it hit me. I had unwittingly locked my roommate in our bathroom for over two days. Ho. Lee. Shit.
I tell the police chief the story and he sends me with a patrol officer back to my dorm to see if my story held up. When we arrive back I rush to the bathroom door and unlock. Sure enough, there is my roommate sitting on the floor of the bathroom with nothing on but a towel and a thousand yard stare. He looks up at the two of us and proceeds to give a cussing that I thought no one but my father was capable of.
"DUDE!!! Do you have ANY idea how long I've been in here?!?!" He had torn the bathroom to pieces in multiple Macgyver-esque attempts to break out. The officer, behind an obviously amused grin, checks on him and radios to the station that everything is ok and that my roommate has been located.
After everything died down my roommate told me that he had heard his phone blow up the first day until it died but couldn't do anything about it since it was in the dorm room and that on Sunday his girlfriend had drove down and he heard her banging on the outside door for at least an hour. Oh, and apparently he had to beg for his walk-on position on the tennis team back because the coach had thought he had simply quit. To this day I feel horrible about what happened, but get a pretty good laugh at his reaction when we found him.
TL;DR - I locked my roommate in the our quad-style dorm bathroom for almost three days and campus police were hours away from putting an APB out for a missing person.
silencesc: Why didn't he just break the door down, or take off the hinges? Also, why does the bathroom lock from the outside?
thatryanguy82: Did... did you read the story?
" Now, in the quad style bathroom, you had the central bathroom with the four rooms that shared it adjacent to it on the outside. All the rooms locked the bathroom by deadbolt from inside your dorm so no one from the other rooms in the quad could come into yours unannounced. "
In a bathroom like that, most likely all the doors open outwards, so you aren't slamming into people who might already be in there. Hinges are therefore on the outside, and the deadbolt would make it hard to bust down, unless the roommate was able to literally tear the door to pieces with his bare hands.
silencesc: Oh no I read that part. Just seems like really really shitty architecture for what's purported to be the "special sports people dorm". And tbh, if I were trapped in a bathroom for three days, there wouldn't be a door left on the hinges, solid oak or not, the toilet or sink would be ripped out and the guy who locked me in there would have a pretty significant repair bill waiting for him.
TheXEADragon: Okay, [Conan](http://media-3.web.britannica.com/eb-media/92/87992-004-9307AAD1.jpg), calm down.
silencesc: Lol, if you can rip parts out of the wall (like the bar that holds the shower curtain up), that's plenty of leverage to pop open a standard deadlock. You aren't breaking the steel bar, you're breaking the door frame, which is usually a laminate for the molding, and deadbolt bracket, which is held in with two small screws. If this guy plays tennis, he has to have at least some upper body strength, so I really fail to see why he'd stay locked in a bathroom...
TheXEADragon: My bad. I thought you were saying you would rip the toilet off the floor and bash the door down with it.
silencesc: I mean, I kinda was, but really any installed hardware in the bathroom could beat a door down.
| 8 | 7.25 | |
1409239222 | 1409241714 | t3_2etuw6 | t5_2to41 | 5 | Rocketmn333: TIFU by coughing.
So here I am, sitting in CSCI 457: Intro to Software Engineering, when I feel a tickle in the back of my throat that tells me I'm about to cough. Out of natural habit, I lift my hand up to my mouth and cough away.
Until I notice the mistake I have made. When I coughed, I could feel a forsure loogie coming out of the depths of my throat, but I did not feel it hit my hand. I instantly looked down to see a massive blob of gunk sitting on top of my notes that I had just taken.
Out of pure panic, I tried to block the page out of view of my friends to the right of me as I try to figure out what to do!
This is where the true fuck up starts. Instead of just tearing off the page and throwing it in the backpack or some other logical place to put the paper for later so that the notes could be recopied and no other pages would get ruined, I took my finger and made the attempt to wipe it off my page. It had never crossed my mind that I would need to wipe the loogie off my finger for whatever reason, most likely panic.
So I stick my finger into the spit and attempt to wipe it off when I finally realize the mistake I had made. So as i try to lift my finger off the page, a MASSIVE string of goo follows my finger off the page as I pull it away. I instantly put my finger back down and begin to move it around the page until I no longer have any spit on my finger.
I then promptly tore the page out of my notebook, folded it up, and threw it in my backpack.
As far as I'm aware, no one saw anything happen, but if someone did, I'm sorry for having to watch that gross event.
TLTR:
Coughed a loogie onto my notes page in class. Instead of tearing the page out of my notebook i tried to smear it off with my finger before realizing that it was a bad idea. Endless minutes of panic ensued as I wiped my finger off on the same page and then tore it out hoping no one would see.
rotirahn: Two stories of coughing posted a minute apart. What a coincidence.
Rocketmn333: wait really?
rotirahn: Yeah there was another post talking about a pain after coughing but apparently he deleted.
Rocketmn333: Yeah I found it right after I saw your post lol
Didn't know he deleted it though lol
| 5 | 1 | |
1409239187 | 1409323289 | t3_2etuu9 | t5_2to41 | 61 | [deleted]: TIFU by going to Starbucks
This happened last night, but I am still sulking.
I am a senior in college, and just started my last year of school a week ago. Today, my first assignment was due and worth 15% of my overall grade.
As I was nearing the end of my paper, I had a craving for a Starbucks cake pop. Now, I don't normally go to Starbucks, but the overwhelming craving for overpriced batter on a stick was too great. And I deserved a treat after being able to utilize my brain intellectually after the longest, most stressful four months of summer vacation I've ever had.
It was around 8:20pm, Starbucks closes at 9 in my town, and my paper was due at 11:59pm; since it is located across the street from my house, I figured it would take about 10 minutes round trip, leaving me with plenty of time to spare in order to finish 20 minutes worth of writing.
I should mention that I had to pee, but decided to hold it in, until I got back. So I grabbed my mom's keys (I didn't feel like taking my car which was low on gas anyway), set out to Starbucks, purchased a chocolate cake pop, and made my way back home. As I was walking to my front door, I accidentally stepped on a snail (they were out in the masses as it had rained really hard earlier today), crushing it instantly. Upon lifting my foot and viewing what was left of its crunchy and gooey snail remains, I proceeded to drop my cake pop in it. My sorrow quickly turned to anguish.
But alright, no big deal really. I only wasted 10 minutes, a few bucks, and murdered a snail. It happens.
As I was fumbling with the keys to unlock the door, I realize the house key was not attached to the key chain. And I remembered that my mom took the house key off when she left for dinner a few hours ago. *To the casino with her friends.* *Almost two hours away.*
Okay. Don't panic. One of the sliding doors must be open, right? No. As I ran around the perimeter of the house listening to my dog with severe separation anxiety whine at me, it set in...*I am really locked the fuck out of my house.* There are two keys located inside. And the only other person with a house key, besides my mom, is my boyfriend who is currently at school four hours away.
So I called my mom. If she left now, she would be home in time for me to finish my paper. I explained to her what happened and I could tell her little Filipino heart was too enthralled by sounds of the slot machines and alcohol to really give a shit. I hung up.
Time to break into my house. My phone had less than 10% battery left, so I decided to use it to learn how to pick a lock. After a few YouTube videos and Wikihow articles, I was ready. I tried to open the door with a plastic card first. No luck. I then tried to pick the lock with a paper clip I miraculously found in my mom's car, by the grace of Zeus. My phone was now dead, but really how hard could this be? *Wait.* *What the fuck was a tension wrench?* *What did I need to rotate?* After an hour of poking, jiggling, and eventually becoming disillusioned enough to twist mulch into the keyhole, I gave up.
I then returned to my mom's car and sat there for the next two hours and thirty minutes, holding in my pee and contemplating my existence to the soundtrack of Pit Bull, and whatever else was on the radio adding salt to my wounds. When I finally decided to empty the throbbing sensation that was my bladder in a dark corner by the side of my house, I saw headlights. I turned around just in time to see my mom walking up the driveway. She stared at me for a few seconds, asked me why I was squatting in the darkness, and finally unlocked the door. I sheepishly followed behind. It was 12:04am. I went to bed.
Tl;dr: ruined my college GPA over a Starbucks cake pop
rwfforever: Geez, how bad did you have to go by that point? You couldn't drive to somewhere with a restroom to use?
[deleted]: The thing is, I left the house without any shoes on because it was going to be such a short trip. The closest restroom was Walmart (everything closes really early in my town), and I didn't really want to walk around Walmart barefoot.
foxfor: Yet happy to walk around Starbucks barefoot.
[deleted]: I used the drive thru...
fauxphantom: > I didn't feel like taking my car which was low on gas anyway
how...
BoilingTheSea: His Moms car...
MrCreeperPhil: But his mom was at the casino?!
BoilingTheSea: Hmm... good point. Either his Mom has two cars or someone dropped her off I guess
| 9 | 6.777778 | |
1409239484 | 1409380193 | t3_2etvcw | t5_2to41 | 5,360 | Tofumang: TIFU by claiming I had sex with a horse.
I was driving home while on the phone (it's legal here) with Death Sphere Phone Company. I had been on hold with them for 30 minutes, so the thought was to get home and not have to speak with them in the car. I pull up behind another car at a red light and start reading out loud their bumper stickers while the hold music continues.
"I like my husband, but I love my horse." "I <3 horses!" "If you don't love my horse, then you don't love me." Etcetera. I then follow with the next logical statement, not on her stickers, but in my mind, and proudly proclaim, "I fucked my horse!".
I then register that the hold music stopped at the beginning of that sentence.
From the line, a soft feminine voice, "Uh..."
"Uh."
"Um, sir?"
"Uh."
"Sir," *giggling*, "how can I help you today?"
"Uh."
I look over at my wife in the passenger seat, and see her with hand over mouth, face screwed up in a rictus of shaking pain from not laughing audibly.
"I'll call you back."
I hang up and my wife starts laughing at me, as I search my steering wheel for meaning. I still need to call back. Wife is still calling me horse fucker.
BuckYouFitch: Good job, horse fucker.
Lol. I love those stories, short but golden
King1234123: You fuck one horse, and all of a sudden your nothing but a horse fucker!
Clop_Yiff_Repeat: You fap to one horse and still get that name.
Lunaisbestpony42: Because you've only fapped to just one horse
USMCEvan: Well there were four horses, but it was just one video, so.....
Lunaisbestpony42: I have never heard of a horse orgy, but i guess if i can conjure it, it probably exists.
lostkeysblameHofmann: Most horse porn is actually one horse/one human for safety reasons. Horse cocks are extremely girthy and there is much preparation for both sucking off the horse and letting it fuck you, not to mention there's really not much more than one human can do on a single horse, i for one would definitely never put my cock near a horse's mouth, and I've seen too many people kicked by horses to want to sneak up on its rear end while some else is sucking it off, vaginal penetration (man on horse) is possible but also extremely risky and dangerous, and requires a very calm mare. Also, if you can think of any possible way to have two dudes fucking the horse's ass AND it's vagina, let me know because the logistics are complicated and I'm not a gymnast.
Not to mention that horses are notoriously difficult to force into working together. I grew up on a farm and I never ever saw a horse gangbang, however although I'm not gay I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't utterly fascinated by watching the horse cocks go from soft to utterly gigantic.
Lunaisbestpony42: Yeah ive heard there are subtle ways to tell if a horse doesnt want you to fuck her. I dont think sex with a mare would be as dangerous if you take the necessary steps to let her get to know you and dont shove it in all at once. I havent seen a stallion erection, not in real life anyway, but i can imagine it would be pretty fascinating to see it grow that much up close. How did you see it grow anyway? Do horses pop random boners like the rest of us?
BoiledEelsnMash: Lots of equine body language, it gets pretty obvious when you are around it all day. A mare that's in heat, she's gonna be REAL friendly, sometimes sniff your crotch, present her butt as if she wants to be itched, she'll go off somewhere close, 7-8 yards, to pee, and probably expecting you to sniff that and notice she's in heat(like a stallion would do).
The ones you know better, they'll hang their head over your shoulder, be warm as hell, and sometimes make horse noises as if to say, "if only you had an 18 inch cock". lol!
As for stallions, yeah, they pop random boners. One of em, I'd rub his muzzle, and he'd get into it enough that he'd pop a boner, or "drop" as they call it.
Course, he was a bit odd sometimes. Mares would come by his pen, but since he could only nuzzle them, well, he improvised. They'd back that butt up to his pen, and he'd give em a "nose ride". A horse nose is pretty prehensile, so he'd let his nose do the work, and give em a thrill. Their eyes would kinda spin, and then another mare would take the other ones place. :D
Lunaisbestpony42: A........nose job? This is actually the most fascinating thing ive heard about horse behavior. They line up to get their vulva played with by his nose?
BoiledEelsnMash: Yeah, pretty much. Worse, I have photos. But not gonna post those ones since he's nosing his daughter that was all of 1 year. Easier to see her expression though, but since she's a paint, she's also essentially a walking fingerprint. :D So, can't post that.
Another one that is "BS according to experts" is having a horse that eats eggs. He takes the whole thing, breaks it in his mouth, sucks out the insides, then spits out the shell, or sometimes crunches it up. Got a video of that one, but it tends to make people scream "horse abuse". Granted, he would steal them from chickens that would nest in the hay around the barn, so, he learned it himself somehow. lol!
Lunaisbestpony42: What reason did you have for taking photos? And what's a paint; some kinda specifically colored horse? And I've no idea why people would thing horses eating eggs is animal abuse. Lots of animals eat eggs for the protein.
BoiledEelsnMash: I was just taking horse photos, and didn't notice what was going on in the background til I looked at it later. Thought she was just making a funny face.
Lunaisbestpony42: Man, father stallions sure can be nosy about their daughters
| 15 | 357.333333 | |
1409234790 | 1409249994 | t3_2etn56 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Kaplone: TIFU by being late
Like so many other stories here, this happened many years ago in a different time: freshman year... Of high school. Young, naïve and in a new exciting world, (still unable to drive), I could not wait to get to school and begin learning.
Every morning I would promptly wake up to my alarm, shower, eat, and then be on my way to the bus which would promptly arrive at 6:52 am. Too damn early but I was energetic. Now on the special day of fucking up, my bowels were uncomfy in the morning. Because of my precise routine, I don't have any spare time for shitting, but I wasn't about to hold it in for another seven hours. It wanted out. So I sat down with the promise of a smooth shit, and it was, however, as it was superfluous to my routine, I had to rush to catch the bus.
To rush, I cut across a yard to save a few seconds as apposed to walking down the road- huge mistake. The convenient twenty feet of grass was also a favorite shit-spot of the neighborhoods dogs, whose bitch owners (pun intended) don't bother to clean up after their dogs. Cutting across the grass, my beautiful white shoes accumulated a wonderful coating of dog shit of which I was unaware of.
I catch the bus and get to school with my shit-shoes. Nobody notices, not even me. I then get to first period and sit down comfortably in history class, ready to learn. But first, a "fun exercise."
My world history teacher wants to explain how grouping is subjective and can be catered to many different fields. To do this, she asks everybody in the class to remove one shoe and throw them into a pile and then have random people sort them into categories.
I had a 50/50 chance. Left. Right. I choose left and blindly toss it in. Big mistake. The first person stands up and begins examining the shoes. She sees mine and let's out a shriek. "AHH DAT ONE GOT SHIT ON IT, TEACH' " I look over and see it's mine. High school life. Ruined.
We laugh it off and go on with the day, I go with one shoe on until my parents can get to school with some backups.
We all eventually got over it but it was still a real bad fuck up.
TL;DR: ran through shit, got shit in school
TypeZ_Sonic: Dude just got to the bathroom and clean the shoe. It takes two minutes.
Kaplone: They don't have paper towels in there. And even if I did wash it, I would still have a soaking wet shoe.
Saintblack: Better than a shit-shoe.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1409241489 | 1409263032 | t3_2etysd | t5_2to41 | 35 | jeremywoertink: TIFU by selling iMacs on craigslist
So TIFU (more like YIFU since this was yesterday).
My little backstory is I work for this coding school, and we purchased a bunch of iMacs for our students to use. We noticed that most of the students preferred to use laptops since they would like to do work from home. We did a lot of searching for a seller to take all these off our hands so we could purchase some MacBook Airs, but we couldn't find anyway. We decided to post these on rumgr and craigslist instead.
The tough thing about selling these on those classifieds sites is that it's usually going to be cash transactions. We had to drop the price quite a bit just to get some interest. Well, I had this one guy call me. I ended up missing the call, but he had text me right after. He said "iMacs?", and I responded with "Yeah, I'm selling a few. I'm sure you saw the ad, what would you like to know?". He replied "New?". I thought it was a little weird his answers were so short, but I continued on. "Not exactly. They are slightly used, but still the current model", I said. Then I asked him "When are you looking to buy, and how many?". He sends back "now. I want 2". I was pretty stoked at this point. It was hard enough selling one, so getting two off my hands was going to be nice.
So, at this point, I sent him the address to my house where he could come and pick them up. Although, having weird random people show up at your house is kinda crazy, I have done this a few times before, and it was never really a concern. The guy ended up responding back to me with an alternate location of where he'd like to meet. I agreed, packed up my car, and left.
Now, I need to set the scene because anywhere else, and this would all have been really strange. I'm in Las Vegas, and this guy asked to meet at the In N Out Burger on Tropicana and the 15. This is the busiest one in the city with TONS of cabs, and tourists. This location is just on the other side of the freeway from one of the busiest parts of the strip.
To get to this location from my house was about a 20 minute drive. It was late, and I had my mother with me on our way to dinner. I called the guy once I arrived to let him know I was there, and where I was parked. He tells me that he didn't have a ride to get there, and wondered if we could move the transaction to another day. Obviously at this point I was a bit irritated. It was late; I was hungry; had to drive a bit out of my way, and desperately wanted to get these last two machines out of my house.
After a bit of talk, he said his partner would meet me there in about 15 minutes. 45 minutes later, and the partner pulls up in a yellow cab. He opens the door, but does not get out. I thought this was a little odd, but he was dressed really nice. Like I said, it's Vegas, and close to the strip. This isn't that odd for that location. He apologized for being late stating that he had to swing by the ATM to pick up the rest of the cash. He started counting the cash in front of me, and he was a mess. He lays down a $20 bill and says "one", then another and says "two". I was getting a little irritated, but allowed him to continue as I did the math in my head. He ended up coming up $20 short, but by this point I had been standing outside for over an hour. I took the cash, then drove off for a delicious dinner at the boiling crab!
Yesterday (Wednesday) I walk into the bank to deposit the cash, and the teller pulls up a cash counter. As she starts to run the cash through it's blinking lights, and not letting the cash go through. I start to get a puzzled look on my face. She pulls the cash out to hold it up to the light. Next she's feeling it, and feeling another bill from her drawer. She does several other things including bringing over a manager and using a different counting machine. "They're fake", she says with a straight face. I quickly spouted out a "Excuse me?!". Then I see she gets on the phone. She starts to question me of where I got this cash, and that she has to confiscate the bills. She called the Secret Service, and another guy was on the phone with the police. Next thing I know, I'm in one of their manager offices being interrogated by the Secret Service, and local police on what all was going on. I had explained my story to them, and gave as much detail as I could. I sat around for a few hours as lots of paper work had to be filled out. 1 sheet for each unique bill.
At this point I'm down 2 machines, and no cash. I have to go to the police station today to fill out some more papers.
**BONUS TIFU**
They said that if they can get the machines back, I'll just need proof of the serial numbers. Luckily I took pictures of them to post on the websites. Unluckily for me, I delete the pictures from my phone since they were online, and I delete the posts since the transaction was done. I don't have the receipts.
TL;DR Listed some iMacs on craigslist, and had a guy buy them that paid with counterfeit cash.
autipus: pretty fuckin typical for out here in vegas man, sorry it happened to ya!
jeremywoertink: yeah ~_~ lame. Thanks though.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1409241931 | 1409322002 | t3_2etzm3 | t5_2to41 | 2,341 | FruitCrinja: TIFU by deep throating a banana in traffic
Bored as hell in my car, sitting in metropolis traffic moving a couple feet every few minutes and I decided to have a snack.
The banana was too green to eat, but figured I would nibble at it anyway to pass the time. While peeling back its stubborn skin I remembered this post about how you can mentally control your gag reflex, and by thinking "YOU NO GAG NOW" it is possible to avoid..well gagging.
I never really desired to know how to effectively stick things that far down my throat, but to my amazement it totally worked! In fact it worked so well that I did it a few times in rapid succession.
That is when I suddenly got the feeling someone was watching me and turned my head to see the young girl in the passenger seat to my left laughing and pointing, while her mother looked at me with an expression of extreme disgust. I wish I had taken it out of my mouth before turning my head.
TLDR; "GLORP GLORP GLORP"
ColinOnReddit: Just a PSA, Don't do this with bananas! They're to soft and can break off, choking you; effectively creating the most embarrassing ways someone could find you dead.
FruitCrinja: This! Please don't die reddit! My banana was unripe and solid as wood.
pm_me_big_tit_pics: How YOU doin?
draanexle: OP never claimed to be a girl if you don't want Male boobs.
pm_me_big_tit_pics: Meh. I takes what I can gets.
PM_ME_YOUR_PM_PHOTOS: How YOU doin?
pm_me_big_tit_pics: Awwwww yeeeaaahhhh....
PM_ME_UR_FARTS: Hello.
pm_me_big_tit_pics: What is this I don't even...
PM_ME_YOUR_TATAS_: Hey guys!
pm_me_big_tit_pics: I'm not even sure what's happening any more, but I feel compelled to pm somebody something.
PM_ME_YOUR_TATAS_: Lol does it ever work for you?
pm_me_big_tit_pics: Once. It worked once.
| 14 | 167.214286 | |
1409242642 | 1409245255 | t3_2eu0vn | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to put my penis in my cousin's anus when I was 6-7 and she was 4
I was like 6, and she's 4 years younger than me, but I don't think she was 2. She would have been older as she could walk and talk. Anyway. I had a genius thought at school about what if a man could stick his penis into a woman's anus (yes I thought no one had done it before, and I had no idea what a vagina was). Later that day I went to my uncle's house and my cousin was there. I went with her into her bedroom and tried to put my flaccid 6 year old wiener between her ass cheeks. And I didn't even hump or anything. I put it in there for like 3 seconds and took it out again.
But here's the stupendous fuck up. I didn't tell her to not tell anyone, so when we're downstairs and there's 5 family members there, she fucking says "______ took his thing and put it in my bum". My mum and dad were there, and my mum takes me home and fucking lectures me and then they take me to see a therapist or some shit a few weeks later.
I experimented with a few other people when I was younger, all consensual and all guys, but no-one found out about that, and it was consensual.
I felt guilty about the incident with my cousin for about 5 years after. It kept me awake at night, it made me sad during the day, and while I know it's just childhood experimenting, I feel like I raped her, even though she had no idea what was happening and didn't protest. So c'mon Reddit, tell me how fucked up in the head I am, and how I'm Ted Bundy mk. 2 in the making.
OliStabilize: The math is a little out on this one also, you experimented when you were younger? Younger than 7? What in the love of tits is wrong with you?
ChildhoodCousinRaper: Probably a lot.
OliStabilize: Well with a name like that. Who can blame you.
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1409243065 | 1409244592 | t3_2eu1pm | t5_2to41 | 18 | Jarredthebluetiger: TIFU by forgetting how phones work.
This actually happened today so you can all directly feel my stupidity.
So I recently started up school again and with that comes meeting new people. I met up with one of my friends and he brought along this cute girl who I really hit it off with. Whether or not it was as friends or something more I have no clue nor is that the point. When were about to leave though she hands me her phone and tells me to add my number! Now this makes me feel great because someone is showing interest in me in general! So I put in my name and take a picture of myself and hand back the phone. As I walk away I realize I didn't give her my actual number. Whoops!
MystyrNile: Lol, if you still haven't established contact, you can ask your mutual friend to give her your number.
Jarredthebluetiger: This is entirely fixable and I know that. I told my friend and he already texted her it haha. I'm not gonna be like most people on here "I said something awkward to the girl... And I'm never talking again."
| 3 | 6 | |
1409243362 | 1409275739 | t3_2eu289 | t5_2to41 | 109 | ThatGuy_There: TIFU by letting my girlfriend's cat, that she loves way more than me, get out.
Let me start by saying, I don't think I bear full responsibility here.
This cat has a full-on Freedom Boner, or would, if she were a male cat. She adores getting out of the house. It's, like, her favourite kitty-thing. She stalks the front door. She hides just out of sight (or, "just out of sight", as she's pretty terrible at hiding), waiting for the door to open. I've had to make it a rule that my kids can't open the front door to my house, because they hesitate too long, and this cat makes a dash for freedom, blue-face-paint and broadsword optional.
Seriously, I'm crazy about my girlfriend, but I've tried my best to manage this cat's freedom-loving escapades, and I'm essentially defenceless against this 3 1/2 pound menace. It's speed and reflexes vastly exceed my own. I've spent hours outside, waiting for this cat to show itself, before, putting out lobster pate to lure her out of hiding, speaking sweet words, and having the damn thing evade my grasp. I've called re-enforcements. It's escaped on family members of mine who've opened the door, and *they* have spent hours chasing her.
Meanwhile, once free, she *basically* merrily sits entirely out of reach under our 10" tall deck, watching the silly hoo-mans and their ever-feeble, increasingly-desperate attempts to lure her inside.
Damn it, cat!
So this morning, I'm letting the dog in from her morning Business Meeting, and letting my Kid in from getting dropped off by my Ex. Kid and Dog arrive at the door at the same time; I extend my foot towards Dog, to allow Kid time to get in.
Cat sees her chance. Like a streak of brown lightening, she's around Kid, under Dog, and on the porch. I call her name, and she doubles her speed; my Ex makes towards her ... ... and she's gone.
Vanished into the 6" x 6" hole she uses to enter her private domain, under the porch.
There's nothing I can do. I get the Kid inside, and get her a bowl of Corn Pops. Other Cat hangs out by the door, jealous of First Cat's cleverness, speed, and dedication. I get Kid settled, while Ex makes preliminary efforts to retrieve the escapee.
Those efforts are fruitless, and Ex must catch her bus. Then, I spend fifteen minutes; *those* efforts are fruitless. I attend to kid, watching for Cat through the door. Those efforts are less fruitless; Kid gives hugs, and is enjoying Frannie's Feet.
Kid gets ready to leave for daycare; boots, jacket, where's your bag, here's some pears for a snack. I look out the door - and there's Cat, prowling across the deck.
We make eye contact. We lock gazes. She wants to know my play. **I** want to know my play. How's this gonna go down, Cat? My girlfriend loves you more than she loves me. I *need* you back in this house, Cat. It has to be that way. I know you crave freedom. I know that cat next door seems handsome, fun, flirty. He has thumbs. That's gotta be appealing. There's fresh air, and grass. Maybe you even *deserve* freedom. I don't know. But right now, I don't care, Cat. You're going back inside.
Cat senses my desperation. It pleases her. Like all felines, she thrives on hoo-man misery, particularly *male* hoo-man misery.
I move to open the door, saying the cat's name, knowing she can't hear me through the door, and doesn't like me anyway, and probably isn't keen to come inside because *if she stays outside she can extend my suffering*.
She bolts. I swear. Kid looks solemn. I sigh. "We better get going", I say, knowing when I return from the walk, I have about twenty minutes before my bus to work - which, at this point, may as well be a trip to the Gallows of my beloved girlfriend's eternal enmity.
My kid nods. "Cleo's still outside.", she says.
I sigh. I know, Honey. I know.
The walk to day-care takes minutes, but it might just as well be hours. I can hear the Hangman tying his noose. I can hear the Executioner sharpening his axe. It only gets worse once I drop off Kid.
I hurry home. *There's Cat.*
She prowls around the stairs up onto the deck. Perhaps she's tired, already, of our little game. Is that it, Cat? You've had your fun, you've had your play, but now, air-conditioned comfort and a life on a mattress eating from a bowl shows you it's virtues again?
No, *clearly not*. As I open the gate to our yard, Cat is off like a shot (again), ducking around the porch (again) to find her top-secret entrance to her private near-subterranean sanctum.
*Curses*.
I keep a mostly-watchful eye. I can't *watch-watch*, because Cat (rightly) does not trust me, because she believes (correctly) I will haul it unceremoniously back inside, a traitor, brutally ending her reign as Queen of Under The Porch. But I dare not stray *too* far, because I want to be able to let Cat back in.
I stand at my door, watching my porch, for twenty minutes. If my neighbour is watching, I look like a madman, and, in fact, I am. I consider getting under the porch to get the cat. I am more than 10" across. I would likely have to have someone come get *me*. I consider calling for help. There is nobody to call.
I'm mad. Am I mad at Cat? No. Cat is doing what Cat do. Cat is not my enemy. Cat longs for *freedom*. That's not unfair.
But you're going to get my girlfriend *so mad* at me, Cat.
I wonder if I have a picture of Cat available to me, to put on a poster. I have ten minutes. I can't make posters. I also have no colour picture. I wonder how much Staples will charge me for posters.
I head in, finish getting ready for work, and head out. As I step onto the porch, my neighbour calls, "Hey, are you missing a little brown cat?"
...
*I don't think this story is going to go over well with Girlfriend.*
**TL; DR -** My girlfriend's cat escaped. I love my girlfriend a bunch. She loves the cat more. It's gonna be a rough day.
**Edit -** The cat has spared my life. Girlfriend just got home. Cat was sitting on a chair on the porch, politely waiting to be let back inside. Girlfriend now only *mostly* thinks I suck. Cat still full-on thinks I suck. Day was not as bad as it could have been.
IffieEffie: Hey A-hole, I found her sitting on the porch in one of the lawn chairs when I got home.
She looked at me and was like "OH HIII Mom! Soo happy to see you! Yeah the other THING that you let in the bed is not good enough to touch me. SO I waited for you!"
I bent down and she just crawled into my arms, I was very relieved I had worked myself up into a minor anxiety attack, looking on the curbs of the road for cat pancakes.
She is home now, and I am letting her sleep in the clean laundry basket. Hopefully we will be more careful next time with the door.
[She thinks you suck](http://i.imgur.com/gSco2fY.jpg)
ThatGuy_There: > She thinks you suck
She is not wrong.
zoidberg1339: You sound kinda whipped, bro.
prowness: Kinda?
| 5 | 21.8 | |
1409245265 | 1409246219 | t3_2eu5md | t5_2to41 | 296 | the_dinks: One million subscribers!
We literally did it, reddit!
BasselYasser: One million people are subscribed to daily shitting pants and getting caught masturbating on carpets! Congrats everyone!
the_dinks: Not *daily*...
^(see rule 10)
Jicem: Sharturday is a very dangerous day.
| 4 | 74 | |
1409240532 | 1409260961 | t3_2etx5a | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU during an interview...
Last week, I was selected for an interview in San Francisco for a tech startup. Feeling confident and happy I went for the interview. I passed the interview with flying colors and was given an offer on the spot. I asked if I could have a minute to think about it. Went outside to clear my mind and finally agreed it was a good offer with a little bit of an negotiation for benefits. I walk back in realizing the breakfast burrito I've had is finally kicking in and exposing its atrocious side effects. I let one go before going in and this is the time I realized I fucked up terribly. I felt the urgent rush to locate a restroom but couldn't leave until I sign some paperwork. I decided to hurry up and sign while still acting like I am confident and nothing is wrong. Then I felt it, I unintentionally let out a silent but deadly one. My god I could have died in my own stench. The lady's face went from smiling to holy shit wtf just happened. She shook my hand and walked out the room grasping for air. That is when I realized this fart will cost me my job and ruined my chances. Thankfully I got the job and found a restroom right after. I explained my situation and she laughed.
Now I'm known as the pooter at work. -________-
TLDR: let out a silent but deadly fart during an interview/job offer almost costing me my job.
DaBombDottCom: hopefully i don't do that on my interview next week... my god
klathium: Hopefully? Learn from others TIFU's son
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1409246152 | 1409323103 | t3_2eu79a | t5_2to41 | 9 | belethors_sister: TIFU by accidentally acting like a psycho girl after the first date
So this happened...eh, maybe six or seven years ago. I had a bad habit of not saving names to numbers in my phone, but I have a good memory so I usually remembered who was who. Anyway, afternoon after I had scored a date with a great guy I needed to call my grandmother. She was recovering from a serious injury but insisted on no one staying with her during her recovery.
So I scroll through my phone and see what I thought was her number (started with 418) and called. No answer. I don't bother to leave a voice mail because she doesn't know how to retrieve voice-mails or texts despite me showing her many times (and my phone didn't have text capability). I figure maybe she's asleep, but its in the middle of the afternoon so I call a few more times hoping to wake her up.
Fast forward about an hour later and I try calling again Now I'm worried. So I call a few more. Call my aunt to see if she's talked to her but my aunt didn't answer. So I called my grandma again. I'm really scared she's fallen or something so I called a couple of more times while I am driving over to her house.
I get to her place and she looks confused. I asked if she heard the phone and she said her phone didn't ring. I go through to show her I called her a bunch of times. Then I realize...The guy I went on a date with and my grandma's number were very similar... and I'd called him about twenty times in about two hours. I called again and explained the situation in a VM but he never returned my call. I ran into someone who knows him a few years later and he still tells the story of the 'psycho phone girl'.
absolutelycredulous: TYFU six or seven years ago?
celebritymess: Read the first rule on the right hand side
absolutelycredulous: TIFU when I was five I peed in the bed.
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1409247465 | 1409252479 | t3_2eu9qb | t5_2to41 | 72 | Chodeinmyface565: TIFU by letting my hormones get the best of me.
So yeah this happened a few years ago but so does most of these stories. I had met this girl through twitter and after a couple of days of texting we decided to meet up at her house. I hadn't known much about her prior to this meeting so besides what we had talked about I assumed she was a typical teenage girl. We ended up sitting on the bed in her room and one thing led to another and the dirty deed was done. Looking back on it I should have realized something was a bit off considering how easy the whole encounter was but at the time I was just happy to get laid. I didn't have anything to do that day so I decided to stay and get to know her better. About 10 minutes later I hear a garage door open and all of a sudden she goes into panic mode and tells me to hide in her closet. Confused, scared, and slightly horny I did what I was told and jumped in. She then told me her dad had gotten home early but was supposed to leave soon so I shouldn't have to hide long. Nearly two hours later i'm still in the fucking closet with my phone about to die and my ass in some unimaginable pain. At that point I decided enough was enough and booked it out of her closet, down the stairs, and right out the door. I had no clue if anyone was still home but I didn't care. After that encounter you would think I learned my lesson but a week later she almost got me arrested for harboring a fugitive.
TL;DR Went to a girls house to get laid and ended up hiding in her closet for hours. Worth.
EDIT 1: So as I was thinking about it the fugitive story is probably quite a bit better so here ya go.
About a week after that whole incident I get a text from that girl telling me she needs to get out of her house for a few hours. Thinking she had just gotten into a fight with her parents and needed to cool off I agreed and went to pick her up. I told her I had baseball tryouts (highschool) in an hour so I couldn't be out long but she said she didn't mind staying in my car while I was inside. Also pretty weird but it wasn't an inconvenience to me so I said she was welcome to stay. While I was inside I had gotten a text from her mother asking me if I had seen her. The girl took my phone and answered the text message for me (which I now realize is very stupid) saying that I had not seen her but I would let her know. Afterwards I brought her to my house were we stayed for a couple hours until I decided she needed to go home. She adamantly refused to go home and instead tried going to a couple friends houses. None of them answered so I told her we were leaving. After a stressful hour of her being in hysterics I finally got into her driveway. The second I was in park she opened the door and booked it down the road. At this point I was incredibly pissed off that this whole situation had gotten to this point so I ran her down and picked her up and carried her back. Her father had seen my car pull up so at this point he is outside watching me carry his daughter back to her house. I wanted to apologize for the whole situation and the father was happy to have me come inside and explain what happened. We sat down in her living room and I told her father, with complete truthfullness, what had happened that day. When the story was mostly over her mother walked in the door looking ready to kill. Again I explained the story to her mother while the girl was next to me crying her eyes out. Thinking I was in the clear after I talked to the mother I was about to ask if I could leave when I heard a knock on the door. Then, to my surprise in walks a police offer and my stomach drops. He comes up to me and asks all of the standard questions then tells me to explain fully what happened. After a third, and terrifying, time of explaining the story he tells me that if the girls mother and father want to press charges I could be cuffed and sent to jail for harboring a fugitive. My stomach drops and I look over to the family in hopes of a kind heart. The father comes forward and says they wont be but that I am lucky because the last guy didnt get so lucky. So ya THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE WITH HER. Anyway after this the officer goes over to the girl and starts to read her her rights. She had been reported missing by her parents and this being the second time was cause for juvinelle jail time. All of a sudden she runs into the kitchen and I hear a drawer being thrown open and the sound of silverware rattling together. The police and mother run into the kitchen and come back out with this girl with a death grip on a knife. I take this as my cue to leave as im not under arrest so I excuse myself and start walking out. The father catches me before I leave and says something like "I hope you won't stop being friends with our daughter. She really is a good girl who appreciates you as a friend." Haven't spoken to her sense.
averageasianweiner: I would like a follow-up on the fugitive story.
[deleted]: I second this
AttackTribble: I third it.
Wombatmanchevre: I quadripuplediple it.
| 5 | 14.4 | |
1409250452 | 1409256921 | t3_2euf6b | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by buying a large quantity of lube in a public place
Well, I went to the shops to buy some lubricant of the sexual kind, but couldn't find a good deal. So instead I decided to look online, but to ensure I'd bought it within the Amazon one-day delivery time limit, I did it on my phone. I found a nice spot on a wall outside a generic grey building, and got to work researching.
I was there for 10 minutes looking up quantities, reviews, product information. I found a cracking deal - 500ml of lube for under a tenner. Score! I hit send and went on my way.
Only upon walking back, did I notice that the darkened window I was sat outside was actually a busy office block, with many workers inside, and a couple of them sat by the same window I was at. How did I not notice before?
Either way, as I walked back, I saw them point and laugh at the young man who took time out of his day to extensively research and read lube reviews.
Kilomega: As a prior adult shop worker let me give you 1 piece of advice;
Just use mineral oil. Here is a whole gallon for $15 US.
http://www.kvsupply.com/su-per-mineral-oil-gallon?gclid=CJygyrfLtsACFQqCfgodvyEAxQ
VisceralVox: "Used as a mild, safe laxative and intestinal lubricant. Su-Per Mineral Oil is soothing to the gut in horses."
What exactly are you trying to imply about OP?
liferoundhere: It's neigh bother, I understood him.
VisceralVox: It's great that you don't champ at the bit to jump to conclusions, corralling yourself with neighgative thoughts. You have a real whinnying personality!
| 5 | 3 | |
1409250901 | 1409258380 | t3_2eug1q | t5_2to41 | 7 | Flying-Brushman: TIFU by writing a guide on how to make a good TIFU!
doctorish: What was the point of writing fake TIFU stories?
Which ones do you claim to have written?
Flying-Brushman: The point? For fun! I love writing as a whole, and its nice to see your reactions.
doctorish: Personally I think you are a sad asshole for lying like that. /r/nosleep is the sub for fake stories.
I understand that a lot of TIFU are fakes but don't usually get to call people on it.
So which ones were your fakes then?
Flying-Brushman: pjsalt.
if you understand that a lot of TIFU is fake then why do you care? Your whole argument is redundant.
And no, my friend. I'm not "lying" to anyone. Lying implies deception for some sort of gain. I have no gain by fabricating stories. I do it because I personally enjoy writing them.
Based on all of your reactions 'omg so fake' 'wowzers I thought all stories were real get the pitchforks guys!!!' I will not tell of any of my previous fabricated stories. you seem to not appreciate good writing regardless of its truthfulness.
If you want stories that are backed up with 100% truth then get the fuck off reddit.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1409254329 | 1409255240 | t3_2eumcv | t5_2to41 | 3 | lraesivart: TIFU by hurling a girl's dog off the bed that I liked
A friend of mine who I had known for several years always had a dickhead boyfriend, which sucked as I always kind of liked her. She finally left him, and a couple months later me and her started getting closer.
After a few weeks of slow courting, we head to her house one night for drinks. Lots of drinks apparently. We're winding down and she asks if I want to go to bed to cuddle. I heard that as "cuddle", so hell yeah, I am down to cuddle.
We get in bed, and actually cuddled. Then we start making out, and she just wanted to kiss for a while. I finally go for a little more than kissing and her dog jumps up onto the bed. My friend says "Now is probably not a good time *anyways*. I missed the "anyways" part, and only heard that now was probably not a good time (you can see I have a problem listening), so I think she is referring to the dog. Easy enough problem! I take her dog and slung it off the bed, **hard**, into the dresser, hearing all matter of things rattle and fall off of it.
I turn back around, and immediately go to make my move right where I left off. She grabs my arm and stops me, and that's when I finally look at her face. She is giving me a blank "are you fucking serious?" face. She explains it was her time of the month, and that's why it wasn't a good time right now. I immediately call her dog back to bed, which she does (because the dog still liked me WAY more than my friend ever did again). Once the dog was back in bed, I slinked out and we've never been as good of friends any more.
tl;dr: Thought it was sexy time with a friend and dog interfered, slung dog into the dresser only to find out the dog was more invited to bed than I was that night due to my friend being on her period.
UnknowableThings: ouch... hit delete and spare yourself the slew of downvotes...
edit: and no more dog slinging please.
lraesivart: Once and only once. Pooch was fine, she whimpered at everything, and I did feel terrible after my adrenaline came down.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409255970 | 1409257538 | t3_2eupfv | t5_2to41 | 57 | [deleted]: TIFU by letting my dog bark
*Throwaway. Wife is a redditor. Please excuse grammar, english hates me.*
This happened a while ago, but I wanted to share.
**Background:**
We have an adorable yorkie mix dog, that is not a yappy thing at ALL. In fact he hardly ever barks, EXCEPT when someone comes up the stairs of our apartment building that he does not recognize, THEN he goes NUTS and absolutely WILL NOT shut up for at least 5 minutes straight.
Another thing; my mother-in-law lives with us and long story short, she needs to for many reasons. She is like our teenager; stays up late, loves to party and is just batshit crazy. Lucky for us, she is not home 80% of the time. She does her own thing. Also note... she is extremely attractive and I am not being weird about it, if she was younger, my wife and her could be twins. My wife has little to no likeness to her dad.
**OK. here goes...**
It was a typical Sunday morning at our house... We love to make a nice breakfast for ourselves and my mother-in-law (if she's home). I was just finishing up making the pancakes, my wife was on the couch and my mother in law had just finished showering. I served up a plate for my wife, gave it to her and headed down the hall to ask my mother-in-law what she wanted on her plate (If we dont ask, she won't eat. She likes to hide in her room). I knew she was still probably getting dressed so I lightly tapped on her door and asked what she wanted.
After going back to the kitchen and getting slightly distracted by Netflix, I had forgotten to take her food. I jumped up and went to the kitchen to fix her plate.
By the time I had cooked a plate for her 30+ minutes had passed. This is where the fuck up began...
Walking out of the kitchen my dog came to my side and followed me happily down the hallway like he always does. Just before I go to knock on her door I can hear what sounded like moaning, but it didn't sound like it was coming from her room, so I ignore it and knock. This is where my dog decides to start barking. I loudly tell him to shut up and *hear*
>"come in!"
What I didn't realize was my dog had barked so loudly that I *heard* "come in", but what she really said was
>"DONT COME IN!"
Quick pause here... I forgot to mention that the doors in our apartment don't fully close, and by default it makes the locks on them worthless.
Well, I opened the door: My mother-in-law is on the floor butt naked and I could tell that I had just caught her in the act by the look on her face. Like a jackass, I just stood there and because of it, my dick wanted to go camping; my tent was pitched. Fuck.... The thing that made it even more awkward was she didn't say anything AND she glanced at my dick! Red-faced, I quickly put her plate down on her dresser and walk out.
Things were awkward between her and I for the next month or so.
My wife still doesn't know.
**TL;DR** My dog barking results in awkward nude encounter with my mother-in-law.
coochini_martini: What was she doing? Masturbating? or just naked? But that is awkward...
telijah: Considering there was moaning, I will assume she was doing long division.
coochini_martini: Oh yeah I forgot she was moaning. But on the floor?
telijah: Different **strokes** for different folks... I am a comedy genius, I know.
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1409255795 | 1409292104 | t3_2eup46 | t5_2to41 | 44 | Throwdatshitaway145: TIFU by passing out on the toilet at work
Throwaway because brother knows my reddit account
Actually it happened yesterday. Just a bit of background story:
I got an apprenticeship at an relatively small IT company couple of months ago. My freaking dream job plus great coworkers and awesome work hours.
Last week and this week were a bit stressy, since we had a new customer and had to install servers and everything from scratch. We were there from 7am to 8pm, everyday. So when I got home I'm really too tired to cook myself something nice. I lived a good, healthy lifestyle since I was 12 years old and discovered that my stomach doesn't really react well to shitty low quality food/instant food/fast food. Usually my girlfriend made a nice dinner for us, since she finished work an hour earlier then me, but we broke up. I could perfectly cook fine for myself, but at those two weeks, like I said, I was just too tired. Before I got home I grabbed myself some stuff like frozen pizzas, instant noodles, and so on. I kinda began to feel weird.
Usually when I got home, I drank my coffee while in the car on the way home. Coffee really makes me .. "want to shit", so exactly 10 minutes after I arrive at home, I went to the toilet. But in the last days this wasn't the case. I haven't taken a shit for 5 days now and I was worried as fuck. I could feel a massive shit brewing inside of me.
So on that night I go to the toilet and try to push that thing out, but it was fucking impossible. It was hard like a diamond and dry as the desert itself. It felt like if you try to squeeze a football through a regular gardenhose. I gave up on that, and since it was so dry, I thought I'll drink a shitload of warm water, to maybe make it a bit more moist so it eventually will soften up and fit through my anus. Oh boy, was I wrong.
So I get up 15 minutes earlier as usual, in the hope that the water made the massive shit a bit softer and I can get rid of that thing. Didn't work at all. Tried my best in pushing that thing out, but it was just waaaaaay too massive. I thought to myself "alright, fuck it. I'll get some laxatives from my mother when I get home. I will make it through the day somehow.
So I get to work and grab a coffee when I arrived. I usually don't do this, but I thought it was too big anyway and a coffee might help the laxatives later at night. Since we were done with this one customer, the day went pretty smooth. Browsing some reddit, setting up computers, and so on. I was working on that on router and had an antenna in my hand when my coworker suddenly called me over. I put the antenna in my backpocket and get over to him. He was setting iSCSI and thought it might be a good idea to explain it to me, since I've never heard of it.
When he started "Alright, for this to work you need a target and an iniator. Basically...". And then it hit me. I had this sting my stomach like I got stabbed. It didn't really hurt, but felt so unbelievably uncomfortable. An uncomfortable level like if you put someone who's claustrophobic into a small room. I said to him "Hold on, I'll just get a quick smoke since my brother wanted to talk to me about something important so I'll call him fast." He was like "Alright, I'll wait here then." (We are allowed to go out for a smoke at 10am and 15pm, so every two hours).
I storm out to the toilets and sit down. I've never felt so shitty in my life. I can feel this thing inside of me pushing and screaming "HOLY SHIT JUST LET ME OUT ALREADY!" and I'm like "Alright, let's do this!". I push as hard as I can and it just won't get through. I push for 5 minutes and theres already tears coming out of my eyes because of immense pain that I've had. I stop pushing and just sat there in the toilet stall, quietly sobbing and thinking to myself that I will die because I can't take a shit. I look down and see the antenna sticking out of my back pocket, so out of despair I got an idea. I think you know where this is going. I get some spit on the antenna and try to fiddle around in my ass, maybe loosing up the shit a bit. I fiddle around for like 2 or 3 minutes when I feel like the time has come. I took a deep breath, prayed to jesus (I haven't in 15 years of my life). I was ready to meet god.
I pushed with the force of a thousand sun's and could feel the shit touching the toilet. It was so hard and dry that it wouldn't break. I've had some serious injuries in my life, but I've never felt that much pain in my life. The whole fucking thing went out in one slip. The process took 15 seconds or so, but it felt like hours. The fucking feeling when it was finally out was amazing. People say that the first shot of heroin is the best feeling a human being can achieve. Fuck that, trust me. That was definately the best feeling ever. It simply can't be better than that. I was in trance, probably because my brain filled me with natural painkillers like adrenalin. Yes, I got a adrennalin rush from taking a shit. I was feeling dizzy, and with the last bit of strength i had left I flushed the toilet. I've watched that massive thing floating down while I blacked out.
I've woken up and according to my phone, I was unconscious for 20 minutes. I look around and next to me was an antenna, full of shit. I wiped my ass and saw stains of blood on it. It didn't really shock me at all. I was just so happy that this thing was out. I pull my pants up, grab some toiletpaper, walk to the sink and put some water on it. Cleaned my ass in the stall to get the blood off and cleaned the antenna. After that I went back to my coworker and silently put the antenna in it's place later.
He asked me "Jesus, where have you been?" "Blacked out" "Oh... Anyway, the target..."
I finished that fucking day and went to the doctor later. Checked out my asshole and said everything's fine. Just need to put some salve on it for a week.
TLDR: Literally gave male birth
Cylinsier: Change your diet, it'll save your ass.
Throwdatshitaway145: Like I said, I normally eat really healthy since my body can't deal with shitty food. It just happened that on those two weeks, I had to eat that shitty food because I was simply too tired/out of time.
But yeah, I will keep eating good!
devals: Sounds like opiates. They'll do that to you. You haven't been taking opiates, have you?
| 4 | 11 | |
1409256816 | 1409293108 | t3_2euqze | t5_2to41 | 76 | [deleted]: TIFU by watching too much porn on my laptop.
Today in class I had to hook up my laptop to the projector to show my results for our project, we went last so after we were done my computer was still linked up. Before we finished our class my teacher wanted to show us some clips of Canadian Astronaut Chris Hadfield brushing his teeth in space, so she promptly used my laptop without asking and very quickly proceeded to head to youtube.
She only got 3 letters in then like usual it does it auto completed the website so she hit enter. To her amazement, class laughter and my shock as I could see it unfold before my eyes, the site she went to was youjizz.com, which has been my favourite knock site for years so no wonder it beat youtube as the top hit. I got some cheers from the lads and some death stares from the girls, it put me on the back foot a bit with me giving it back to the girls by shouting "don't lie, you girls masturbate too!"
Yeah it didn't go down to well, especially in a catholic school. Don't think my teacher liked the big black dick advertising on the side.
EDIT: Grammar, yeah theres prob more but i ain't gonna fix it.
TL:DR Teacher web searched youtube on my laptop in class, it auto corrected her to youjizz where a big black dick stared her and the class in the face.
CainFoool: Your school doesn't have web filters?
andrew4162: It was op's personal laptop.
canwegoback: School wifi bro
andrew4162: Wat, schools have WiFi? Damn, and here I've been using up all of my data.
zsxdflip: Are you retarded?
andrew4162: Only slightly.. But then again, I've never had a reason to bother looking for it since I've only had a smartphone for about a year now.
| 7 | 10.857143 | |
1409254733 | 1409352040 | t3_2eun39 | t5_2to41 | 66 | DHDSChiv: TIFU by saying I wouldn't fist a girl
BACKSTORY: I am a high school-er, and my group of friends play this game where we shove one of our arms in each others arm pits, and we call it "fisting", cause ya know, high school-ers. We do this often when we have downtime.
FUCK UP: So we had free time after class, but were not dismissed yet. I was following my friend, who we will call Billy. My other friend who we will call Joshua, was right behind us. Joshua "fists" me, and in rebellion I "fist" Billy. (Logic) This then starts a "fisting" war, in the middle of a class of 30 people. I also forgot to mention that my crush, who we will call Brittany, is in this class as well. Sitting at the table near is Brittany and her best friend, who we'll call Jenny, talking about the homework. So while we are all "fisting" each other, Billy comes up with the great idea of telling me to "fist" Jenny. He does this since I have little dignity, and would do most anything for a cheap laugh, as long as it doesn't hurt someone or embarrass them. In my head I want to, but I can't since it's Brittany's best friend, and I would be violating her. So, in my frustration of moral and social ethics, I somewhat loudly say, next to the whole class, "I WON'T FIST JENNY!". Everyone, including Brittany and the teacher turn to look at me. Jenny looks like a deer in headlights, and I turn into a strawberry. Joshua and Billy are literally crying, that is how hard they were laughing. Brittany looks at me like I just murdered a puppy. Suddenly the bell rings, and I ran out of class like a bat out of hell, got on my bus and hid. When I got home, right before I posted this, I checked my twitter, and Jenny and Brittany both removed me. I think I really fucked up.
EDIT: Should probably mention that both of them are Straight A Students, straight edge, and religious.
silencesc: Since when do people use twitter as their primary social media site? Is this a fad I missed? Do high schoolers not use Facebook anymore? (Graduated in 07...)
DHDSChiv: At least in my school, the only popular social media platforms are Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. I only have a twitter, so that is my main site.
GaryColemansRevenge: You young whippersnappers with your Fangdoozles and your Snozzberries.
PIRATEghost85: Back in myyy day we only had AIM....AND WE LIKED IT!
[deleted]: Nothing beats spending an hour crafting the perfect away message to put up when you leave aim for a 10 min pee break.
Bob2456: Get your prostate checked. Should not take 10 min to piss.
[deleted]: Ten mins-hit away, take a few minutes to see if anyone on your list sees your away message and comments on how awesome it is, grab another Mountain Dew code red, take a pee, wash hands, hunt down that blink 182 cd you left lying around,pop it in,crack your dew,check other peoples away messages,then click back
| 8 | 8.25 | |
1409257710 | 1409264672 | t3_2euso3 | t5_2to41 | 46 | Meaty_Shaft: TIFU by keeping my knife and phone in the same pocket
This happened this morning.
I'm a freshman in college and this week is the first week of classes. So everyone had been introducing themselves to each other and making friends and whatnot. This morning, I woke up a bit late for my 8:30 am class. So I'm tired and rushed and I accidentally grab my pocket knife along with my keys, wallet, and phone. Whatever. I put it in my pocket with my phone and run out the door.
I get to class on time, but the room is packed. So I take a seat next to a random girl and we get to talking. She seems pretty nice so I decided to ask her for her phone number at the end of class. As I reach for my phone to pop the question, I realize my knife is on top of my phone. I can't fumble my phone out of my pocket since I'm sitting down in a very crowded row of chairs. So instead, I just take my knife out and put it on the desk.
She kinda gasps and grabs her bag and runs for the door before I can even explain.
TL;DR
I tried to get a girl's number, but pulled a knife on her in the process.
dcgaines: Honestly not what I expected. I was waiting to hear all about how badly your screen was scratched
RogueVingo: Me too.
a11dz: This
| 4 | 11.5 | |
1409257405 | 1409273540 | t3_2eus2z | t5_2to41 | 28 | VikingPrincessOG: TIFU By thinking it was Alfredo sauce
TIFU. Well, yesterday actually. Last night, I cooked myself an especially delicious (yet unintentionally salty-I'm actually a terrible cook) dinner. Chicken Alfredo with sauteed mushrooms. We don't have a dining room table in our house, so I usually eat sitting on the floor at our coffee table. Last night was no different. As I sat down, my Great Dane, Cerberus, laid under the table and placed his head in my lap like he usually does while I'm eating. My roommate and I were watching Netflix while we ate. Cerberus gets up to play with my roommate's dog as I'm taking a bite of pasta, jolting my body a little bit with his movement. It's then that I look down and notice a couple drops of sauce that had fallen onto my leg. There's no napkins handy, but no big deal. I just wipe it up with my finger and lick it off. As soon as my lips close around my finger, it hits me. This isn't sauce. It's a huge glob of warm, slimy, frothy dog slobber that is now resting on my tongue. I look to spit it out, but as I said, there are no napkins. So there i sat, a bubbly dollop of drool in my mouth, as I proceed to dry-heave and my roommate laughs uncontrollably.
emergency_crowbar: I thought this was going a different direction. Nasty, but I guess it could have been worse.
ZacharyW1993: I was expecting the same exact thing xD!
| 3 | 9.333333 | |
1409259993 | 1409263662 | t3_2euwzp | t5_2to41 | 77 | [deleted]: TIFU By Getting Head At The City Park
So, as per usual, this happened several months ago. My SO and I have been together for a little while now, going on 7 years. we've learned what turns us both on and how to get each other in the mood and we have several little games we play like truth or dare and kill, fuck, marry(yes we're adults, but fuck it, it's fun and it's something different). With KFM, one of our rules is it has to be people we know in real life. This leads to interesting scenarios and can get pretty sexy. So we decide to go to the park and sit and play. It's around 11pm. Our city park is separated by a creek. North of the creek is lit up and has playgrounds and picnic areas and south of the creek is dark and has RV hook ups for our annual cook off event. So we back up to the south bank of the creek and park. There's a few other cars around as well as cars that pull in and out, but for the most part it's quiet. So, we settle in and start playing. After a while we're both turned on and she decides she's giving me head. We have an Impala and she raises the arm rest and I lay my seat back and she goes to town. She's on her knees in her seat with her ass kind of hanging out of the window. After a while I know I'm getting close and ask her if she wants me to cum in her mouth or somewhere else. She says her mouth and gets back after it. I'm always pretty loud when I cum and at this point I start to moan loud and pretty much scream that I'm cumming as if she isn't fully aware of the fact. I thought it sounded sexy, but accounts from her afterwards made me sound akin to a water buffalo getting fucked by an elephant. Right about this time, I hear cheers and clapping erupt from the other side of the creek where apparently a group of about 10 had been sitting and talking in the dark. As my SO gasps and sits back in her seat and I raise mine back up, the car is engulfed in light. About 50 foot away is sitting a city cop. Luckily it's a small town and I know her. She flips her light off while laughing and pulls off. I zip up and we haul ass out of there. The next morning I get a text from the cop telling me to keep that stuff at home. Fun night.
Tl;dr: Got a hummer from my SO in a park, gave everyone around an aural orgasm.
amosni: no dude. a blowjob (from a chick) is never a fuck up.
what you did was perfectly legal by the way. these cops tend to get up in our business with the body armor and such.
Teotwawki69: > a blowjob ~~(from a chick)~~ is never a fuck up
Although it was illegal.
| 3 | 25.666667 | |
1409260403 | 1409374900 | t3_2euxp4 | t5_2to41 | 190 | blasphemicassault: TIFU by getting my nipple stuck in a fan
This actually happened early yesterday morning, around 1am. Due to being in another province in preparation for my grandfather's burial tomorrow, I haven't had the chance to write this.
I live with my boyfriend, but on Tuesday night we spent the night in my old room at my parents house. He's house/pug sitting for us, and it was easier for me to be there in the morning. I had brought my laptop over to catch up on some shows I missed during the week, fully intending on pulling an all nighter so I could sleep the 10 hour drive here. That didn't happen. I soon felt extremely tired, and decided to sleep anyways. I did not want to unpack anything, especially since everything was already loaded into the truck, so I slept naked. No biggie.
I had a shelf a couple feet away from the foot of the bed, that my TV used to sit on. My brother and Dad have been taking turns sleeping in there since it's cooler than any other rooms in the house. Someone had placed a fan in between the bed and the shelf. Being overly tired, I didn't think to move it or walk around it. Instead I decided I would lean over it. Bad idea. I have both nipples pierced, and one of them somehow wedged itself into the small slits of the fan. It was not on, btw. I couldn't get it out. I tried twisting it, twisting my body, whatever I could to get it out on my own. The room was pitch black, the boyfriend was out cold on the bed. The only thing my attempts brought was pain and failure. I tried to wake him up, but he wouldn't budge. I only had one option left. So I did all I could do. I started banging on the wall to wake up whoever was in the room beside me.
Long story short, my Dad walks in to see his daughter completely naked with a nipple stuck in the fan. I couldn't even reach my blanket to cover up. All I could do was fucking stand there like an idiot. I'm sure I turned a hundred shades of red while explaining what happened. Understandably, he woke the boyfriend, who helped me wiggle it out. 40 minutes later. It was incredibly sore and swollen after I had freed it from its misery. Never again!
TL;DR stayed at my parents house for the night, slept naked, leaned over a fan to put my laptop away, got my nipple piercing stuck in fan for 40 minutes, had to call my dad into the room to help out while still naked.
LimehouseBlues: I have piercings, so I know that feel when they get stuck in something. I feel bad for laughing but damn if my parents saw me naked I think I would off myself then and there hahaha
Vorling: Um... About that... You know when you were, uh, born? Yeah..... RIP
moderatelybadass: I think that /u/LimehouseBlues is worried about their parents seeing their gallery of tattoos depicting scenes like a packed circus tent, wherein Jay Leno is ejaculating into the mouth of a Bengal Tiger, which is held open, (via a series of ropes and pulleys) by hundreds of rats with Carrot Top's head. (the heads have a variety of different, bright, hair colors.)
madhatteras: Wat?
moderatelybadass: Did you visualize it? You have to visualize it. I'm just hoping that'll haunt some dreams tonight. Shit, my dreams aren't safe. I just don't understand why Jay Leno keeps doing stuff like that!
| 6 | 31.666667 | |
1409259811 | 1409350729 | t3_2euwnt | t5_2to41 | 10 | oookayla: TIFU by going on Reddit at work.
Definitely my fault, was still on probation period and apparently it violated some sort of confidentiality agreement. I was only working for 3 weeks. Damn you Reddit, why are you so tempting?
Edit: forgot to mention I got fired
ChroniclesIY: should reddit on the phone =D
then again i'm on reddit on my work computer
oookayla: we're not allowed to have our phones with us in the workspace
Bob2456: Your workplace sounds like it sucks
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409261616 | 1409338832 | t3_2euzy0 | t5_2to41 | 115 | throwaway776543: TIFU by not letting one of my students use the restroom.
Throwaway account here.
~~Not sure if this is NSFW or not, so tagging it - let me know in the comments.~~
TIFU by not letting one of my students use the restroom.
Some background:
Let's call my student Josh. I am a high school teacher and I just potentially ruined Josh's life. Josh is what you would call a "cool kid" - he's popular and has a lot of friends. He always asks to leave to go to the restroom. I personally think he just sits in there on his phone. This time, I didn't let him go.
Boy did I make a bad decision. Just a few minutes later, I heard someone rip the loudest fart I have *ever* heard. Everyone (about 30 kids) in the classroom started laughing.
But that isn't even the worst part. Then, there was the smell. The smell flooded the room instantly after that sound. Seriously, I almost puked. I was still trying to register what happened because it happened so quickly.
But that isn't even the worst part. His face was beet-red of embarrassment. He stood up and left the room. The way he walked out - you could just tell what had happened. He had shit the hell out of himself. By this time, everyone was silent, with occasional giggles. Not sure what he ate for lunch today. Hopefully I don't receive a call from his parents.
**TL;DR: Didn't let a "cool" high school student use the restroom, he ripped a massive fart, shit the hell out of himself, and walked out of the classroom in embarrassment.**
**TL;DR 2.0: Let students use the restroom.**
Edit: Yes, I get it, I am a "dick".
Edit 2: no longer updating/replying; causing too many problems.
-NL: Fucking cunt teachers like this honestly... Just tell them to be back by a certain time or give them a detention.
throwaway776543: Sorry, I know. Now that I think about it, this kid deserved it. From what I've seen and heard from other teachers, he can kind of be a jerk.
PhishnChips: Did you really say that the kid DESERVED to shit himself?
You a dick.
throwaway776543: Well, wouldn't you like to see the school bully to embarrass the hell out of himself?
snowwraith: First it's "he's popular and has a lot of friends". Then it's "he can kind of be a jerk". And now he's "the school bully"?
throwaway776543: Have you been through high school yet? The bully is the popular one with all of the friends, or "friends" at least.
| 7 | 16.428571 | |
1409260710 | 1409264115 | t3_2euy8g | t5_2to41 | 5 | Smile_Of_Hysteria: TIFU by telling a your mom joke
Backstory: i live with two other guys, on a student dorm.
any way one of the guys were like: guess what i did today and i blurt out The Good Ol'; fucked your mom? and the guy just stared akwardly at me and then ran out of the room, like the confused shithead i am i asked my other roomate what it was, and apperently his mom died 6 months ago.. haven't spoken to him since..
snapware: how did you not know about his mom?
Smile_Of_Hysteria: moved in with him a bout 2 weeks ago
[deleted]: Go seek him out, man up, and apologize.
| 4 | 1.25 | |
1409262678 | 1409263758 | t3_2ev1rx | t5_2to41 | 13 | throwaway2198372: TIFU: by sending a nude pic to the wrong person.
So, I'm a female college student in California. My dad lives in Boston, and about a month ago I went to visit him for a few weeks. It was good to see him, but really boring-- he worked all day and I don't know anyone in Boston, so there wasn't much to do during the day. I ran out of shopping and sightseeing options in the first week.
So, I decided to make a profile on OkCupid and hopefully meet some chill people to hang out with. This went much, much better than expected. I'm a pretty attractive girl going to a very good college, so I got a few dates with Harvard and MIT guys.
There was one guy in particular that I really, really liked. He was a grad student at MIT (aerospace), French, we had a ton of the same interests (things like rock climbing, raves and traveling), and he was really, really attractive. We had an amazing conversation, and he was very interesting and smart.
We had a few drinks and hung out for a few hours, and then parted ways (after a kiss).
Well, a couple of hours later I'm still thinking about this guy. I get pretty horny, but obviously I don't say anything about it to the guy I'd just gone on a date with.
Instead, I fucked up by texting my ex. Pretty soon he sends me a nude photo (not a dick pick haha), and asks me to do the same.
Well, my ex's name and the guy's who I'd just gone on a date with only differed by a couple of letters, and were next to each other in my phone.
Of course, I accidentally sent the nude photo to this new guy. He didn't respond, and I was freaking out.
Imagine it: you go on a totally innocent first date, and then that night the chick sends you a nude photo with no explanation? WTF?
I debated explaining things for a few hours, but since he never responded eventually I wrote him something like "Wow, I totally fucked up haha. Got kinda drunk last night and tried to send some questionable photos to my ex (who's name's super similar to yours, unfortunately). Can I buy you a drink to make up for my mistake?"
He never responded to that text, either. Oh well, at least I tried. I don't think he would have responded if I'd never sent that follow-up text either, so I can't be too upset about it.
Kilomega: Lol we're getting one of these a day. People really, really should be more careful about sending nudes around. You wouldn't think this would have to be said.
I think you should probably move on from Mr. MIT cause it sounds like he is put off. I wouldn't respond to nudes from a 1 date girl either, no matter how well it went.
throwaway2198372: Yeah, I absolutely agree. This happened a few months ago-- I never heard back from him, and I'm definitely never going to try contacting him again.
For the record, these didn't have my face and I don't have any tattoos or anything else that could be used to identify me.
Edit: if a guy sent me nudes after a first date, I'd never talk to him again in a million years. I just hate that this was so preventable.
Kilomega: Were you looking for the AFMAIFU subreddit ? ;)
throwaway2198372: Huh?
Kilomega: The A Few Months Ago I Fucked Up subreddit.
This is Today, I Fucked Up.
throwaway2198372: It's in the rules that it's fine if the story didn't actually happen yesterday.
Are you sure you're not looking for /r/pedantic?
Kilomega: It was a joke, way to blow up over nothing
throwaway2198372: Sorry dude, I'm just so used to so-called "experts" on reddit who have to nit-pick every word you use.
And I really doubt anyone in the world found your joke funny. Again, sorry dude.
| 9 | 1.444444 | |
1409262557 | 1409302456 | t3_2ev1k1 | t5_2to41 | 8 | MarshestMellow: TIFU by almost killing my date..
So like many of our stories this one wasn't today but a few months back. I recently got out of a long term relationship and I was feeling kinda alone. Given my job I don't have the chance to ever go out and meet women so I decided to give online dating a shot. I met a beautiful girl and I managed to convince her to go out on a date with me. Our first date was amazing, I made her laugh, we shared stories, couldn't have gone better.
The second date however was our last. I invited her over to my place so I could cook her dinner and we could enjoy a nice movie. We decide to sit on the couch and start watching the movie "The Crazies". A few minutes had past and I noticed there was a horrible glare coming from the window right behind the couch (our couch is pressed up against our window). I decided it would be a good idea to put a sheet over the window to help with the glare. I had a small statue that I used to hold the sheet in place. Everything was fine and we continued to watch our movie.
About 30 minutes had passed and she asked me to get her something to drink, when I got up to get her drink she decided to lie down, which tugged on the sheet. I heard a crashing noise and I turn to see her with both hands holding her head with blood pouring out of her temple. I rush her to the bathroom and get her cleaned off all the while apologizing over and over. She told me it wasn't my fault and it was just a freak accident. She stayed for a while longer, I tried to remedy the situation which didn't help in the long run.
Over the next few days we still talked on the phone, I asked for one more chance to make things right but in the long run didn't get it.
To make a long story short, my date came over, small statue fell on her head, gave her a concussion which almost killed her.
MidnightPlatinum: Wow, you made me remember the most traumatic dating event of my life: power slammed a girl on a trampoline when we were wrestling. She screamed "I can't feel my legs." Then had to watch as a helicopter airlifted her away to a neck-trauma center. Thought she was paralyzed for 2 days.
*NEVER** have I felt as sick to my stomach as I did then. She was mostly fine in the end.
MarshestMellow: Wow... That just sounds like one horrific experience, hope she ended up okay.
MidnightPlatinum: She was fine in the months after... then reports of some issues from her parents... we had broke up for other reasons a while after and I never heard how it all turned out. I often imagine her having soreness or alignment issues there and feel terrible about it. It sure taught me a lesson about playing rough though. All rough play must be done in a controlled and mindful manner. Fun can still be had... but reckless fun is not often worth it.
| 4 | 2 | |
1409261912 | 1409344991 | t3_2ev0fe | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting my mom arrested for drug trafficking.
So, like many people my age (18) I've been getting ready to go to university. It's exciting. Also like many people my age, I like to smoke (or in this case vape) a bit of weed from time to time. My mom knows, but I try and avoid bringing attention to it, as she doesn't approve.
A couple days ago I was enjoying a few hits off my little MFLB (a small vape, for those who don't know) when my mom got home early. Making as I had before, I hid the vape, with about a half a gram of weed in it, by tucking it into the corner of my elastic sheet. My mother decides now is a great time to pack, as she leaves the next day, and I, being stoned, reluctantly agree, and start gathering clothes.
Meanwhile my mother is gathering various non-clothing essentials: towels, facecloths, oh, and yes, *bedding*. Figuring I need multiple sets if bedding, my mother lets me know she's going to strip my sheets of my bed, and I'll just have to put up with my mattress cover for a night. This should have set off alarm bells. It didn't. "Fine" I said.
The next day, after dropping my mom off at the airport (I would be flying out tomorrow), I decide to take advantage of the alone time with a few hits. As I wonder upstairs to retrieve my pipe from by bedding, it, at long last, hits me.
I sit down, hoping to god I don't get that unfortunate call. Of course, I do.
I grab my neighbor, a lawyer, and drive to the airport. My mother is sitting in a very cliche interrogation room, thankfully not in handcuffs. We ended up explaining the whole situation honestly, and I guess it was one of those cases where it was so unlikely it had to be true. Luckily it was such a small amount of weed and I'm from a relatively liberal country, so no charges were pressed. My mother, however, won't be flying for a little while.
TL;DR Accidentally used my mom as a drug mule.
Sorry mom.
garshol: You ungrateful little bitch.
At least I hope that it was worth it.
Resnov_: Chill cuntbucket
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409261555 | 1409273396 | t3_2euztw | t5_2to41 | 6 | FearLeadsToAnger: TIFU by accidentally calling a stranger
Literally just happened.
Had a joint ergo; being stupid and floppy.
Getting into comfortable position to watch Sword Art Online on new projector screen. Phone in hand, sorting out pillow support.
Hear voice.
Random girl i'm only mildly interested in is on the phone, apparently called her on facebook (you can call people on facebook now?). "Errr, hello?".
Too polite to end the conversation for over half an hour, I could've watched 2 episodes in that time. Now my buzz is gone.
**TL;DR Called a stranger, too polite to end call, wasted valuable post-work Anime time.**
ZombiJesus: Wait, So you fucked up by making a move on a girl you're mildly interested in? Not only that, but you didn't fuck it up, and you spoke with her for over an hour?
OK, man.
ichaosdevice: > for over half an hour
Still would have to agree.
| 3 | 2 | |
1409263692 | 1409265743 | t3_2ev3hx | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU getting pics of my ex printed at her job
So my ex and I had broke up last week and today is my sister's birthday. That right there sounds like a story in itself.
I wanted to make a nice collage for my sister so I went onto her facebook to get pictures of her throughout the years. I didnt want her to find the pictures since she uses my computer alot, so I saved them in the folder where my ex's nudes were since she made that mistake once she wont do it again.
Now its time to go onto walmarts photo website and do the one hour print job. I'm lazy so I decided to select all forgetting what folder they were in.
It was only after I paid for them I realized I just ordered nudies of my ex to be printed at her store. These arent just pics of her topless these are pictures of her tied naked spread eagle to the bed. A few with a dildo in her and of course tons with my jizz all over her face like a pie hit her.
So I make a separate order of just my sisters since they wont so the order if even one picture has to much cleavage in it. I head down to the walmart and what awaits me is priceless quite honestly. The guy working the photo center was a buddy of mine from high school and told me the manager wasnt notified so she doesnt know yet... yet? He handed me the pictures of my sister and then proceeded to show off the pictures of my ex to his photo friends taking pictures of them to show everyone at the store.
vtmn_D: Who… who… who the hell puts the pictures of their sister (some I'm assuming as a kid) in the same folder as their graphic nudes? Your synapses are not supposed to have to make that connection.
Bnlol1: Assuming this guy is an adult, it's unlikely his sister is a young child. I'd say maybe if it's a 8 year difference or something and he's literally only 18, then MAYBE. I'm guessing it's a smaller difference in age, that he's older than 18, or that the sister may even be older than him.
Though, even if she is an adult, i'd still say next time you need to hide some files (for any reason) there are better ways than putting it into your porn folder.
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1409262719 | 1409279631 | t3_2ev1ud | t5_2to41 | 28 | journeyman369: TIFU by walking out of the bathroom at the job with my face full of faeces.
I ran to the bathroom because I was almost crapping in my pants all day after eating some strange tasting refried beans with tortillas in the morning - turns out the beans were rotten. I was very hungry and just ate them - I thought that they tasted funny but that it wasn't such a big deal to eat them. Stupid me. Then I drank about 2 and half cups of coffee and had to run and start writing content for the websites. About 6 hours into the job I felt like I crapped a bit in my pants and ran to the bathroom, after going there about 8 times already. I took a liquid shit, wiped my ass, and proceeded to wash my face quickly, as I was panicking. When I was gingerly walking back to my seat I see a strange look in my boss' face, and he tells me to go wash my face using a very neutral tone. Then the girls started giggling. Then full blown laughter broke in the office. I checked my face and noticed a small lump of shit on my hand - it was brown with a bit of yellow. I went back to wash my face thoroughly like 20 times and came back to my seat. As we speak nobody seems to be doing or saying anything. At least not while I'm around. I made a mockery of myself. I fucked up.
zoidberg1339: eww
journeyman369: Well we've all had diarrhea before!!! And we all take dumps unless we're beatific angels without an anus :SSSSS
PhishnChips: we all have, but we all haven't rubbed it all over our faces
journeyman369: it was an accident and i was in a hurry :p
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1409264998 | 1409265784 | t3_2ev5qb | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU Not using toilet paper.
kinda_alone: Hi Stuck_in_a_Box, thank you for submitting to /r/tifu.
Unfortunately your submission *TIFU Not using toilet paper.* has been removed because it violates RULE 10: "All posts centered around defecation will be removed unless it's Saturday." Please feel free to resubmit your story then.
We apologize for the inconvenience, if you feel that this removal was unjust or have any questions, please [message the mods](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Ftifu).
Stuck_in_a_Box: This day can't get any worse so why not! My bad.
kinda_alone: No worries. Feel free to repost on saturday!
| 4 | 1 | |
1409264396 | 1409285571 | t3_2ev4pt | t5_2to41 | 18 | ruhzyo: TIFU by stroking the furry plant.
Been a fan of this sub for a while now and thought I'd share my own fuck up from ages past. It happened about 14 years ago on a lovely California summers day, me and my friend Steve(not real name) were relaxing in my backyard doing what 12 years old do when a certain plant caught our attention. To paint a picture of what our backyard looked like the previous owners of our house put in a variety of plants, trees and some cacti all around the backyard. Now the plant that caught our attention was this [innocent looking guy here](http://katemckinnon.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/fuzzy-cactus.jpg). Being the genius 12 year old's that we were we decided to investigate this plant further. Using our "brilliant" powers of observation we deduced that the plant was friendly since it wasn't covered spikes like you see in other cacti. After deciding that it was safe our next course of action was to touch said plant and me being...well me decided to take the plunge first. I go and grasp a part of it gingerly between two fingers and I feel nothing. No pain, no spikes piercing my skin, just the sensation of a really fuzzy plant. Figuring I have the all clear me and Steve proceed to palm at the thing without a care in the world. And now here's where the fuck up pays off. You know those cartoons where the character gets injured but it takes a few seconds for them to react to the pain? Well we had a good 5 minute delayed reaction for us because what we didn't know at the time was the "fuzz" we had been touching was really incredibly fine needles that had become embedded into our skin. Now these needles are all over our palms and fingers so when the pain finally kicked in it felt like our hands were on fire. Every finger movement just pushed the needles further into our skin. Eventually we gained the attention of my mom who upon learning of our dumbassery proceeded to pick out the needles with a pair of tweezers for next hour. From then on we viewed the cactus as an agent of Satan and stayed the fuck away from it. Still could have been worse if had we rubbed our eyes or went to the bathroom.
TL;DR: I touched a cactus, it touched me back.
1uck: Haha! I used to play with those as a kid too. Next time, just use a piece of packing or duct tape to pull out the needles.
TheGwolo: WHY DID I NOT KNOW OF THIS TRICK
ruhzyo: Seriously, that would have been so much better.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1409265855 | 1409277501 | t3_2ev77c | t5_2to41 | 565 | jammy_p: TIFU by helping make a wedding proposal extra memorable.
i'm a server at a fine dining restaurant that has a "romantic", "date-night" setting. most tables are couples celebrating birthdays/anniversaries, etc. but we also see a lot of wedding proposals...
about a year ago, a young, attractive couple comes in and asks to be sat in one of our private booths. they are super cosy/cuddly, not in a gross PDA way, just a comfortable "we're in love" vibe. a few minutes later, the guy sneaks away to let me know that he is proposing at the end of the meal, and if i can do something special to help make the night memorable.
fast forward 2 hours. entree is finished. drop off the desert menu. say some subtle phrase, like, "i'll give you two *a few minutes* to look through the dessert menu...", aka "it's go-time".
a few minutes later, i'm standing around the corner from their booth holding two champagne flutes, chocolate dipped strawberries on a plate covered in rose petals, and a digital camera to take a picture to put in the frame that i bought them, free of charge... you know, to help make the moment memorable. they were my last table, and they had been cool the whole night, so i decide to be extra generous and help them celebrate getting engaged. i come around the corner with all my gifts. see an open ring box. say "congratulations!". hand them champagne. notice they are both bawling. [aww, tears of joy!] even he was crying, which seemed cute and sentimental. i start snapping some pictures, going for that candid in-the-moment feel. she says something like "i'm a mess. i'm sorry!" sort of awkward laughing, and i say "no, you look great! you'll want to remember this moment!" and they both stare at me for one last picture. then, since girls LOVE showing off their new engagement rings, i ask to see her ring....and she DECLINES.
it took me about half a second to snap out of the "yay for you guys!!" mode, and then i get it. notice the body language. they aren't sitting side by side anymore. notice how speechless and awkward they both are. look a little more closely, and oh wait maybe those AREN'T tears of joy... my brain caught up with what was going on, aaaand i bolted. i dropped off the check and cashed them out...and left them with the framed photograph:
a beautiful candid shot of two mortified people, taken moments after a failed marriage proposal, that i then helped make 10x more awkward by forcing them to celebrate it.
---
**TLDR:** my table asked me to help make his surprise wedding proposal extra memorable... *technically*, i succeeded.
-_-_--__--: How did you print and frame the picture?
Also, fuck.. the embarrassment alone from that..
Orangelikeclockwork: Polaroid probably.
-_-_--__--: But he said digital camera?
Unless its the cute new Polaroids they sell.. I'd consider it digital.
Edit: She
jammy_p: the restaurant sells celebration packages that people can purchase when making their reservation, like roses, balloons, chocolate strawberries, framed pictures, etc. so we have a digital camera and a photo printer at the host stand.
edit: and i'm a she* haha
-_-_--__--: Wow, if I was taken to a restaurant that offered those things and *didn't* get proposed to I wouldn't know what to think!
| 6 | 94.166667 | |
1409267820 | 1409268383 | t3_2evajs | t5_2to41 | 8 | Larkin91: TIFU by eating a gas station wiener
I don't know why I felt it was necessary for me to ingest one of those rolling wieners at the gas station. I know they are awful. But I had a vomitless streak spanning 6 years. I hadn't thrown up since George W. Bush was president. Multiple sicknesses, 4 years of college binge drinking, Human Centipede 2; all had tempted my gut but none were sucessful. I got cocky. I ate it, went to work, and vomited it back up in less than an hour.
Never again.
TL;DR: Ate a rolling gas station wiener, broke my 6 year long vomitless streak.
curveball21: Well at least you weren't forced to eat a wiener in the gas station bathroom to pay for it. (I hope)
Larkin91: No, but I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.
^^my ^^name ^^is ^^humpty
curveball21: Ah, the old "Humpty-Hump"!
| 4 | 2 | |
1409266250 | 1409271865 | t3_2ev7w5 | t5_2to41 | 9 | Thirstbusta: TIFU and got pinkeye
Earlier this morning, My SO and I got up early to get some Taco Bell breakfast. It was pretty good, considering we brought it home and ate it in bed. Afterwards, we were laying in bed and things got pretty steamy and we ended up having sex.
Anyways, she told me to kiss her butt. I was still pretty much in a haze and very malleable, so I was willing to do anything. As I leaned over to kiss her, she rips a fart. Right into my fucking eye. This is normally funny because fart humor is great and all, but there was no barrier between her bare ass and my open eye.
I'm pretty sure I'm gonna wake up tomorrow with pinkeye. Will update.
TL:DR; kissed her butt, she farted in my eye.
ReferenceMaster: If Taco Bell farts are anything like Taco Bell burps, it probably tasted just like Taco Bell. So that's a plus.
Thirstbusta: I don't know what it tasted like. I don't taste with my eyes.
| 3 | 3 | |
1409263705 | 1409350493 | t3_2ev3ip | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling for a (Counterstrike: Global Offensive) CS:GO scam.
So I've recently gotten back into CS:GO and I haven't been playing too long (about a month after a long 2 year break). I was doing my usual casual thing when another player private messages me about a knife (an item in the game) he has for trade.
I say sure I'll trade you for your knife, he proceeds to open up the trade menu tells me what he wants, I put it up for trade and then the fishiness starts. I didn't know this, but people can phish your account info during transactions and there really isn't shit you can do about it, so even though VALVE has some sort of protection, there are ways to get around it. He cancels the trade after I assume he gets the info he needs making some excuse about that was his younger brother and "WTF was he doing yadda yadda."
I totally buy it, and don't think anything about it.
Well, I lost 60 bucks before I figured out what was going on and or how the market place works.
There is no good ending. I royally fucked up and lost money. Don't do what I did, and don't trade Steam items with strangers.
Krakbone: Oh buddy I'm so sorry, this literally just happened to me about an hour ago. This Russian fucker took all my skins even my knife. I was on csgolouge and clicked a screenshot to see a faded knife, and BAM steam account lost 320$ down the drain.
Pussy-Hunter: These files usually have the extension .scr, but are essentially as bad as downloading and running an executable.
Krakbone: This one was a screenshot of a knife, it was just .png labelled. It's ridiculous though that CSGO Lounge said the link was safe.
| 4 | 3 | |
1409268855 | 1409271401 | t3_2evc8y | t5_2to41 | 2 | jlablah: TIFU by prentending to be pregnant to get more food and better treatment
Chad73: plot twist. your a dude Panda
jlablah: it's true.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1409270068 | 1409286744 | t3_2eveaf | t5_2to41 | 23 | yamaha5671: TIFU By cutting my face with an axe.
I didn't actually do this but my brother did and he is now going to hospital so I am posting this for him.
My brother was chopping wood for some reason. He has never picked up an axe a day in his life, but that didn't stop him. Anyway the axe he was using is like 10 years old so its kind of bad. Just as he was pulling back to swing, the cutting part came off and hit him in the face. The worst part is my parents weren't home, so We had to wait like 3 hours to go to the hospital, because we both can't drive (hes 16 im 15). So when my parents got home they were in for a suprise. Lets just say my dad was kind of angry.
bicycle: If you are critically injured, 911 is always an option
yamaha5671: I didn't know about it until I saw my dad getting angry. I didn't have my glasses on and couldn't see. If I would've known I would've called 911
bicycle: You didn't have glasses for 3 hours?
yamaha5671: If I wear them too long it gives me a headache
_Spider: I feel you, dawg.
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1409270704 | 1409272887 | t3_2evfcl | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: tifu by letting my 3 year old sis alone with a puppy
so my sister got a puppy for her birthday last week and she loves playing with it, only problem is that she's 4 and usually mistreats the pup, you know like bite it or just not leave it alone. so yesterday i let her go outside and play in the backyard with it, a while later she left the dog alone and started playing with her toys she has in her backpack, so i stopped watching her and went to the kitchen to cook up some eggs, well when i went back to get her inside i notice that the puppy is missing, i usually leave the back door slightly open so i assume it's inside hiding from her and go on about my day. well later that day i go to the backyard to smoke and notice there is a shit ton of housefly's flying around my sisters dora backpack its one of those plastic hard cover ones with wheels and a handle. its lying in the middle of the yard and that's when it hit me fuck!, i walk up and a bad smell is coming from it, not a dead animal smell but dog shit smell i have a slight relief but continue to open it just to see whats in it, i was convinced it was just shit but no, it's the puppy. the poor thing was dead, it was wet, tongue sticking out and claws stuck to the soft rubbery plastic inside the backpack, i was pretty pissed so i go get her and show her what she did, this is the fucked up part, as soon as she sees it she burst out crying that her puppy is dead, now i was surprised because she's 4 and what the hell does a 4 year old know about death? anyways i felt really bad so i put her inside, i buried it and i still don't know what really happened, i think she put it in there and forgot or something. if you guys can tell me if it died due to lack of oxygen or hyperthermia, i live in california so it gets really hot here.
so guys never leave a 4 year old alone with a puppy not even for 10 minutes or shit like this will happen, thanks for reading guys that's if anybody read's this long shit, but please don't call animal control it was her fault well...it was totally my fault but it was an accident, also i suck at writing so sorry for the bad grammar.
edit; people are saying im a scumbag for letting this happen and that i should never own pet's, well this is the first time an animal has died on my watch. i also lived in a ranch half my life and watched over horses,chickens,goats ect. im not a bad dude, it was just a bad mistake.
poohspiglet: How old are you and where are your parents?
Badazzer45: 18 and my mom works from 3am to 6pm so...
poohspiglet: Wow. That dog had to have been dead longer than 24 hours, no? Please don't get another pet.
Badazzer45: nope it was dead for about 4 and no it was my sisters dog, i hate pet's.
poohspiglet: I hope your little sister isn't too traumatized. I hope your mom can afford a responsible babysitter for her soon.
Badazzer45: wow dude it was an accident, as long as my sisters are fed,clean,safe and unharmed i consider myself a good babysitter.
| 7 | 1.285714 | |
1409270972 | 1409271391 | t3_2evfst | t5_2to41 | 15 | Sedela: TIFU by accidentally reading my (now) ex's Facebook
Got off work and came home (we live together) expecting to relax with my girlfriend (for the record, lesbians; let's use 'Nancy'). 'Nancy' wasn't home but her computer was on and so was her online alarm clock (going off like crazy). So I did the logical thing, I went to turn it off, clicked the "x" on the tab. However, her screen was open to Facebook, and this is where the fuck up starts...
She was having a conversation with her ex ('Penelope'. 'Nancy' had told me she was completely done with 'Penelope', no more talking to her or seeing her. Well that was obviously a lie cause the conversation was open right there (both parties responding to each other). So I decided to be a snoop (happens when you and your partner live together and something "WTF" shows up like that right in front of you). I read through the messages, and the words "I love you" were exchanged from both parties as well as planning to meet each other while I was away at work (red flags!).
As should be expected, I got really mad, grabbed the first thing I saw and snapped it in half (a Röyksopp "Junior" vinyl on her turn tables in this case; anyone know what that was worth and how stupid I am?). I didn't do anything else (minus knocked over a glass of water on her keyboard when I turned to snap the record).
So I turn back to the computer and start messaging her friend ('Susie'), from her account to figure out why 'Nancy' and 'Penelope' are still talking and hanging out behind my back. 'Susie' tries her best to fill me in, she believes 'Nancy', is in love with both of us and is too messed up in the head to decide (though she just decided...).
My ex obviously sees the conversation (she's still never returned to the house from wherever she claims to be). And knows I'm mad and argument pursues. We are now almost, undeniably broken up (and I think I'd be stupid to go back to her).
I told her at the start of the relationship, I would be okay with 'Penelope' being around until things got serious. She agreed to this but has since called me crazy when I started telling her "lose the ex or lose me". (This isn't the first argument we've had over 'Penelope'). Once I found out 'Penelope' still had feelings for 'Nancy' and was still in love with 'Nancy', I told 'Nancy' to quit seeing 'Penelope'. They could still talk, but not see each other.
The other day, we were in her room, I was in her lap and we were browsing her Japan trip. And she tabs over to Facebook, and I see her ex asking "Hey I thought we were supposed to hang out today, are we hanging out today?" and a back history of them planning to hang out (all after the time when I told her enough is enough). So at this point I told her to end all contact, if she didn't, I was out of her life.
I assumed she had ended it all with 'Penelope', but today I found out that was a lie. And since I had told her to end all contact, she's messaged 'Penelope' that she's sorry this is happening to 'Penelope' and that she loves her and will talk to her later.
And I guess the real fuck up is her's. She left her alarm on and Facebook wide open for the world to see, but I definitely fucked up by investigating.
**TL;DR** Saw (now ex's) Facebook open the room. Read messages, she lied to me for months and never ended anything with 'Penelope' (her ex). Thinks I'm stupid for freaking out cause she's still with her ex.
Lesson learned, if your new partner is still talking to their ex, don't get involved.
makehersquirtz: Went through the same thing with an ex. She was extremely flirty with everybody and I knew she was talking to her exes. Turns out she was talking all this shit about me and flirting with him as well. I found this out by stumbling upon a text. Oh well, ended that and ended up hooking up with a solid 10
Sedela: She doesn't talk shit about me. My name got mentioned a bit "tell my parents they really need to meet 'TheRealSedela'": or; Ashley's at work, let's do something; or "let's go to the theme park, I'll pay for your entry!" Most of the conversations were "Miss you. Love you. How was your day?" though. Which is even worse that she's almost denying my existance altogether.
| 3 | 5 | |
1409270589 | 1409352017 | t3_2evf6b | t5_2to41 | 34 | SwedishTroller: TIFU by showing naked pictures of myself to all my classmates
(I apologize in advance for my sometimes poor english)
Okay, so heres some background info. I'm a 20 year old guy from Stockholm, Sweden and I recently started in university. With recently I mean a week ago. The first two days went fairly good. But the third day; thats when shit went south.
On that rainy Friday we were supposed to hold a little presentation of ourselves infront of my programming class of 60 people. I figured this was the time to give a good first impression, so I decided to make a flashy Power Point "explaining my vision" with programming. However, I hook up my laptop to the big screen and then I realize I had forgot where I saved the Power Point file. I cracked a few jokes trying to find the file. Tough croud though, which just made me even more nervous and stressed.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I'm in a long distance relationship with my "high school sweetheart" who is studying in in Västerbotten (northern Sweden). Of course, being a young, long distance couple, lusts builds up. So naturally I have tons of nude pictures of my girlfriend and me.
I have specific folder where I keep all the nudes, and its (I now realize) on a very idiotic spot. There, right on the desktop. While I'm panicking trying to find the Power Point I accidently open that folder. Before realizing that mistake I click on one of them. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Its a picture of me laying naked in my bed with a hard on and a huge grin. Laughter started to fill the room. I froze for a few seconds. Then I shut the laptop and stormed out of the classroom. I have now quit programming. Unfortunately half the people who saw my dick has other mutual courses with me. So yeah, four more years in this prison!
lFeather: not too bad..I'm sure with time it'll blow over!
cheer up mate
besides, its just nudity..no big deal no fuss
everyone indulges in it and nearly everyone is sexual. nothing to feel shamed about.
adopt that attitude and it'll work itself out
chin up!!
Youma: Really? It sounds pretty bad to me.. :)
lFeather: What is so "bad" here? accidentally he exposed a wee bit of his private life that is no one's business, it'll blow over at some point.
Of course they will be annoying at first BUT I see three choices here
1)hide in shame and wallow in self pity
2)chuckle about it and treat it with a heavy dose of humour
3)Shrug it off adopting the frame of mind/attitude of: Oh well, it's a pity but watcha gonna do it's water under the bridge
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1409271762 | 1409273853 | t3_2evh23 | t5_2to41 | 9 | [deleted]: TIFU By telling my (ex)girlfriend I watch porn.
First off, I am in fact only 13. Wow shocker....A 13 year old who watches PORN? Doesn't everyone get curious though? Also, this girl was literally insane. On to the story! (Sorry for any formatting or grammar mistakes)
It was a normal day. Normal for me means browsing reddit all day and just talking to this girl on steam. Flirting and all that stuff, while browsing TIFU and Nosleep. Later in the day we were talking about random subjects (Books, Movies, Games and other things). Let me mention this girl played tons of hentai games, so I have no idea why she went insane over this. Anyway, I brought up the subject of pornography. This is where things got bad.
She started screaming at me (Using caps lock because...that's how you scream online) about how porn is a disgusting thing and is something nobody should watch. Also saying that the people in porn got payed to have sex (Thanks captain obvious!). She kept talking about how bad it is and I'm just there staring at my phone screen about how much of a big deal she is making out of this. A few minutes of this later, she says "I can't be with someone who watches porn. It is disgusting and the most horrible thing you could do." I am now single, and actually don't know why I dated anyone at such a young age.
TL;DR: Ex-Girlfriend broke up with me because porn"
relyts123: I'm just trying to figure out how talking to a girl on Steam qualifies as dating. Welcome to the 21st century, I guess? As far as the main 'problem' goes, you didn't fuck up. The vast majority of any first world country's population watches porn, and the people who claim they don't are either lying or extremely rigid (and probably religious) people. You're both really young though, so mutual understanding on such a subject isn't necessarily to be expected.
Sonicrider3: We talked more in person, just talk on steam for times we can't talk in person.
I still think I pooped up because she does over react over every single thing. I should have not said anything.
kwyjiboner: >fucked up
Whoa there young man, there'll be plenty o' time for cussin' when you're old enough to vote.
Sonicrider3: I'm sorry let me fix it please don't hit me again
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1409196793 | 1409283300 | t3_2esh3y | t5_2to41 | 5 | blowthatglass: TIFU by dropping my keys down the elevator shaft.
Today I fucked up..
Coming back from running a few errands I was getting out of the elevator and bobbled my keys while trying to pick out the one to my unit. I watched them fall out of my hand in slow motion, and head towards the crack in between the front of the elevator and the floor to the building. I probably could have stopped them while they fell but I was almost incredulous that something so ludicrous could happen.
But instead I watched them catch on the edge. Sit there for a moment. And plummet into darkness. I then got to relish in every click and clang as they made the way down five stories to the bottem of the shaft below.
I stood there for a solid ten seconds mouth agape like a bumbling moron...as it sunk in I couldn't get into my apartment. Couldn't use my car, couldn't get into work even, and it was 8pm at night.
I called the emergency services line and left a message telling this ridiculous story. Manuel just called a few minutes ago to let me know he is currently working on a chiller for the air conditioning (I live in phoenix) and that it would probably be another hour until he could even see what he could do. I've researched online and short of some magnet tied to a string and hangar James Bond shit my only options are...
A. Pay an elevator tech to come out tomorrow. Wait around for him after my girlfriend drops me off on the way to work at 7:15 tomorrow morning until he gets there. (Remember it gets hot out here in the summer) and pay the guy minimum $150 to take ten minutes of his time to throw a key in the elevator (ironic) to make it stop on a higher floor so he can climb down and get them.
Or..
B. Hope Manuel can at least let me in my place tonight and see how much itll cost me to get rekeyed (minimum 75) by the complex, get new keys and fob for my car, and new work keys in the morning.
Either way Im pissed right now, sitting at my girlfriend's watching her clean because she's been sick and her place is a disaster.
Yes I know I should have had an extra set. My girlfriend used to but we had a long drawn out argument a few months back and she gave back my extra set...I keep forgetting to give them back to her. Fucked up there too.
Icing on the cake: Replaying GTA4 and just beat the coke mission for Elizabeth first try (for those not a fan of GTA this can be a 20 to 30 minute mission) and didnt save before I left. So...my PlayStation will be shutting down soon and probably not correctly auto saving....so yea.
Everyday_Asshole: Girlfriends been sick? Fuck it. Watch her clean.
blowthatglass: Haha if you saw her place you might have declined helping too. It was Armageddon.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409272276 | 1409331185 | t3_2evhvq | t5_2to41 | 915 | [deleted]: TIFU while getting a bj [Mildly NSFW]
My Girlfriend and I have been dating for a while and things are going well, very well. So well in fact that we have been trying to get it on more and more often. However, there seems to be an unfortunate trend. Whenever we come close to hooking up, I always seem to get cockblocked. It kept happening over and over: walked in on by friends, called by parents, construction people coming to our houses. At this point, my blue balls resembled Violet from Charlie's Chocolate Factory.
So, my girlfriend, who is amazing by the way, decides that this has to stop. So she invites me to come over to her house when her parents are away. After drinking two cans of pineapple juice and a quick stop at a pharmacy, I head over to her house. Only to see that her grandmother's college roommate (wtf?) has come over to play with her dogs. We fail to convince her to leave and in the end, we just decide to go get Starbucks. I still cannot catch a break at this point.
Although it is brutally, brutally hot, we parked in an empty parking lot because Starbs is full. We spent the next twenty minutes just talking and sipping on our frappes. About halfway through this, I realize I am low on gas, and I turn the car off. We talk more and eventually we begin kissing. The next thing I know, we are in the back seat half naked. (Yay!)
My girlfriend had told me before that she wanted our first time to be private and in a bed, but I at least was hoping for a little relief. Being the gentleman I am, I decide to take care of her first. With a bit of deft handwork, she came twice. We were now both covered with sweat and lady cum, but we just figured it made it a little hotter. She then laid me back and went to work. And she gives the best head I've ever had. All I could think about was how glorious it was, pleasure throughout my entire body, from where she worked, all the way to my now numb hands. Wait a minute, my hands were numb, and so were my toes. I realize at this point i have completely stopped sweating. That is my last thought before I pass out.
I wake up lying under a tree with a melted frappuccino dumped on my face. All i can feel is nausea in my head, and the burning sensation of blue balls. I put my drenched clothes on. Our friends show up and we went off to hang out.
fml I got cockblocked by the sun
tl;dr I passed out from heat exhaustion while getting a bj.
Edit: sorry deft not daft, i realize blue balls isn't exactly burning but give me some poetic license. Yes i am white.
Now i honestly have no idea how i got to that tree and i havent bother asking. The tree was only about three feet from where we parked.
And for anyone who cares, We got a hotel room last week and my dry spell is over
bicycle: How did you get under the tree?... did she throw you there?
Seems very unlikely she would pick you up, throw you under a tree, dump frappuccino on your face, and then drive away *in your car*.
Hwy61Revisited: Where does OP say she drove away in his car? I assumed she was just there with him when he woak up
SleepyHarry: >woak
10/10
Prospekt01: Woke up soaked?
wheltonne: Soke up woaked.
| 6 | 152.5 | |
1409269242 | 1409316569 | t3_2evcxg | t5_2to41 | 6 | LURCHDIUTV: TIFU singing at work
This happened today, like a few moments ago.
So its the last hour of my shift and im one of the late people who go home. I work in a call center btw. Not a lot going on getting some other outbound calls done and I started playing music singing along. my office is fairly empty with like 3 or four people on the other end of the office. (pretty big office) Well stand by me comes on and im jamming along singing quietly getting kinda loud and I start belting SO DARLIN DARLINNN STAND BYYYYYY ME WHOAAA STAND BYY ME.
Heres the TIFU, one I did not have my headset muted which I thought I did to which the customer was like "are you going to sing or sell me something" I thought it was great.......so did my manager who was listening to the call who had everyone that was still here listen to call. (call ran long cuz I wanted to play sing along) Soooo now I sit here still listening to music calling people and playing on reddit pretty embarrassed about the whole thing because its going to be popular conversation tomorrow.
JoeB_302: Good Job. Make sure you really nail the WHOAAAA!!! More emotion! More! More!
LURCHDIUTV: ohhh I nailed that sum bitch harder than hammer to nail
| 3 | 2 | |
1409273333 | 1409338638 | t3_2evjm9 | t5_2to41 | 431 | JoeB_302: TIFU by baking a fart in a hot car.
Hello everyone. I work at a large car dealership for a major OEM. I was outside today driving around in a new car to go see our new inventory out back.
Now... when it comes to farts, everyone says "You like your own brand." This is not true. The breakfast burrito I had early this morning was churning in my stomach and was letting me know it was coming back with the vengeance of a thousand Fire Sauce packets.
I held on tight. However.... FFFRRRAAAAAPPP!!!! Greetings from the Interior!
It was bad. Like roll down the windows and crank the fresh air bad. Like bad enough to end a friendship.
I continued my solo drive to the back lot. I took inventory of what I needed to see. I got back in this car and drove back to the front of the dealership... when I felt it.
They wouldn't stop. One after another. Ferocious, spicy, musty, and just plain rancid. I needed a bathroom STAT.
So, I park the car where it belongs. As I leave the car, one more slips in. I shut the door and thought "Thank god this car is not very popular at all and no one will be looking at it anytime soon. It's been here forever I don't think anyone has even test driven it."
I head inside to the restroom and finish the deed that had already previewed itself.
As I get back to my desk, another salesman is there asking me for the keys to a car that were checked out in my name. I then realized he needed to get in the car that I had just turned into a methane prison. I was happy to hand him the key because, well, he is kind of a jerk and I thought this would be amusing as hell.
And then I saw that he customers outside waiting next to that car.
Uh-Oh.
It was 92* F outside. That means the interiors of the cars reach around 130* in a short amount of time. I started to panic, realizing that these customers were about to climb in a vehicle filled with enough tear gas to basically fog the windows.
What could I do? I stayed inside, watching through the window. Sure enough...
The customers reaction was immediate. There was no hiding it. He had a look on his face as if he had just smelled rotten baby formula. He very quickly steps out of the car and starts coughing and rubbing his eyes. He quickly instructs his wife to not enter the car.
He turned to the salesman, thanked him for his time, and quickly ushered his wife back to their car and drove off.
My methane cloud cost the dealership a $30,000 sale. I felt horrible, embarrassed... He knew who had the key before him... Sure enough he comes stomping inside.
"WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK DID YOU DO TO THAT CAR!?!?!"
I didn't know what to say. I played dumb. "What? Whaduya mean?"
He knew. I knew.
We still haven't spoken to each other. It's been over a week.
OhioJunglist2: I used to deliver packages in NYC and I would drink beer and smoke weed all day. I loooooved getting in the elevator and taking it to the mail room, usually not the last floor the lift went to. Workers would fill the car and, as I stopped at my floor, i would fart as hard as I could and turn and smile as the doors closed trapping the employees with my stench for the remainder of their ride. I'm rotten.
Convulsed: Drinking beer and getting high on your job? No wonder you had such a shitty job.
OhioJunglist2: A. I was 23.
2. It's fucking New York.
Lagasuarus: Since when is 2 a letter
ViolentWrath: I'm hoping he's making a Doctor Who reference. <3 David Tennant!
noyourenottheonlyone: sometimes a comment is so bad you have to log in just to downvote it.
derek_jeter: No you're not the only one.
| 8 | 53.875 | |
1409273418 | 1409275035 | t3_2evjr2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | nave9789: TIFU By Baking a Potato
This F up actually happened today about an hour ago
So this happened after i get home from the warehouse i work at, shipping. So i walk in the door and the first person i see is my mom who asked how it was and lists of all the the things that she needs me to do. So i follow her into the kitchen listening to the things that she needs done and i see some food on the stove and get, internally, excited because i haven't eaten yet. Then i see her with a baked potato all mashed up with butter, salt, and pepper. Delicious. So i asked her if she could make me one, while i do the things she needs, to which she replies "No! Do it yourself!" then she proceeds to explain to me how to go about making one, in the microwave. So i do exactly as she says having complete trust in her, because she obviously just did this and was successful judging by the potato in her bowl. After i grab, wash, and stab my potato I grab a bowl plastic bowl, stick it in the microwave and push the "Baked Potato" she pointed out to me then hit start. I turn around to the stove and before i go grab another bowl for the Mac-N-Cheese I decide to wait for my potato to finish so i leave and go do my list of tasks come back and the timer reads "11:something" minutes left. I think that's weird and look at the potato which now has little bumps forming on it which is also weird, buuut remembering that my mom had already done this i have complete trust in her so I leave it be and go watch the first episode of eureka . Fast forward half the episode later and I'm siting there and i smell something . . .odd and it takes my mind all of half a second to realize what it could be so i run to the kitchen and before i go inside i see a cloud of smoke! I rush inside look at the microwave and see a potato ON FIRE in my microwave! The first thing i do is run over throw open the microwave and blow out the potato. Afterwards a go about turning on fans to suck up and blow out the smoke whilst saying "Thanks Mom" (I was surprised that the smoke detectors didn't go off). and after much clearing of smoke i found this in the microwave: http://imgur.com/a/XCKPV
Edit: I mennt to post this last night around 10pm soo yea it happened last night
and apearently the potato she was eating was made by my sister in the oven
Kejjeh: I'm not seeing the problem here. You wanted baked potato and you got baked potato.
nave9789: Actually i got ash and a puddle of plastic
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409262713 | 1409276061 | t3_2ev1ty | t5_2to41 | 5 | DarkTri: TIFU by putting too much water in my pet's water dish.
When I wake up every morning, I mist my two scorpions and one tarantula's enclosure and refresh their water dishes. Though today, being my first day of school, was rushed and I was tired as I was misting and watering. Needless to say I came home to my adult female Asian forest scorpion Avatraus limp and in her water dish. God damn it, and I thought the beginning of this school year would be great. ='(
RIP Avatraus (*goes to sob in a corner*)
knotfine: I'm sorry, man. I know how wonderful exotics can be. I used to have rats, and their death was very hard on me. I'm here for you, buddy. Good luck.
DarkTri: Thanks mate. =')
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409274261 | 1409360092 | t3_2evl7d | t5_2to41 | 28 | melissabrah: TIFU by accidentally buying and ingesting drugs
Yesterday, I went to a famous park in San Francisco. I'm in my first year of law school so a classmate and I decided we would get our reading done at the park. So there we were... sitting on a blanket, drinking wine, and studying for our criminal law class.
Along comes this gentleman. He refers to himself as the "Cookie Samurai." He has an adorable basket with chocolate brownies in it. We see him going up to the different groups of people, trying to sell his brownies.
He comes up to us. And offers us some brownies. He says "4 for 20, or 1 for 5." And then he goes on about how they're chai latte flavored and Bailey's flavored.
So me and my friend are like awww this guy is just trying to make some money selling his homemade artisan brownies. They even had a strawberry on them. So we decided we would help him out.
We buy two and get on with our studies. We each ate the entire brownie (which was delicious btw). And along comes this suburban housewife looking lady and offers us "Medical Marijuana Brownies."
And we're like OH NOO!!! We have to study!! Thank you though.
And hour later, we both realize we are HIGH AS BALLZ and had actually bought weed brownies from the Cookie Samurai.
We were both STILL high during our Civil Procedure class the next morning.
wolferaz: You came out lucky! NEVER BUY WEED BROWNIES IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE BAKER. The weed could be laced with other shit.
It's okay to buy weed if a trustworthy friend knows they guy.
StacheBox: ?? You sound like NO fun; also hardly ever has weed been laced with anything. If anything I'd only worry about the fact that 1 costs 5 or you can get 4 for 20. That's still 5 each, Girl Scouts do this shit hoping you by in 4's when it's unnecessary. It's a pretty shitty sell tactic, and a poor lesson to the girls about ethics. Also 5 bucks for a brownie?! I'd be mad if I DIDN'T get high.
Ghostofazombie: 4 for $20 was the euphemistic way of conveying that they were pot brownies since 420 is commonly associated with pot, not a bulk purchase discount. I've never used it, but it was clear what was being implied almost immediately.
StacheBox: So... You're saying the Girl Scouts know that potheads are their major demographic? And price accordingly to make the 420 joke?
I'm being a sarcastic asshole with these questions, but honestly, if IRL I'm buying some pot brownies, I may appreciate the subtle joke, but I would expect some sort of discount if I buy several. Just saying.
Ghostofazombie: Mr. Samurai must've missed his marketing class the day they went over how discounts work.
| 6 | 4.666667 | |
1409276133 | 1409320602 | t3_2evo93 | t5_2to41 | 17 | trombonematrix43: TIFU by telling a girl I am interested in that I am going to go check out some boobies at Tilted Kilt
So tomorrow night I have a date with a girl I just met about a week ago. We met online and have been texting back and forth for about a week now. Anyway, I am talking to this girl (we will call her Nicole for the sake of the story) and a buddy of mine who just asked if I wanted to grab a beer at a local establishment. He suggested a shitty chain restaurant so I figured, "let's go to one that at least has something to look at. Let's go to Tilted Kilt!". At this point I'm on my macbook using ichat to talk to these two people. I am also (why the fuck did I do this) using my phone simultaneously. Somehow I type up "hey, lets go to Tilted Kilt instead and look at some boobs." Guess who I send this to. Nicole. I'm literally speechless. This pretty girl that actually is talking to me for some reason, and how to I fuck it up? By sending that. Jesus Christ. So yeah....I'm a fucktard.
PM_ME_YOUR_AREOLAS__: If she laughs it off, she's a keeper. If you get berated, you dodged a bullet.
Artegan: This man speaks the truth.
r0b0torg: Me and my girl always goto these places to talk about the girls
| 4 | 4.25 | |
1409277118 | 1409281023 | t3_2evpt1 | t5_2to41 | 0 | stupid_throw: TIFU by repeating the same joke twice
So I'm sitting in class today and a super cute girl sits next to me. I'm feeling pretty cool since the hot chicks never sit next to me. Anyway I try not to give her much attention so I talk to the girl sitting behind me while class starts. Instructor starts first day protocol going over syllabus and all that.
All of a sudden hot girl next to me drops her sunglasses and I say, "oh look you dropped your sunglasses." She giggles as I hand her the glasses.
A few minutes later, she drops her glasses again and I obviously say, "oh look you dropped your sunglasses....again." She kinda giggles and takes her glasses back this time hanging them on her shirt.
I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm annoying by now and it's only the first class meeting.
TL;DR I'm an annoying dumbass hot girl probably won't sit near me again.
Fuck my format and writing I'm on my phone.
Soap2: um, nah if she giggled again, even a little you should be good man. Faith must be strong
stupid_throw: Thanks bro I hope so. I thought I was playing it cool until I repeated the same thing.
| 3 | 0 | |
1409277182 | 1409309369 | t3_2evpx8 | t5_2to41 | 20 | pepsicola15: TIFU By getting a charlie horse (slightly NSFW)
This actually happened last night, unlike most TIFUs.
Background: I'm 15, and have an OK relationship with my dad. Not close, but not isolated. That's all, really.
Well, it was nearing 11:00 p.m., and like all growing boys, I needed to rub one out. I'm just casually watching Netflix, when I decide to do the deed, so I pull up pornmd on my laptop, plug in the ear buds, yada yada yada. My family is still "awake," but nearing going to sleep, so I figure it's an alright time to do it. My door has a lock, but for some stupid reason, I *forgot* to lock it, and this is where the fuck up begins. I start beating the meat, and my calves/feet tighten up like they usually do. I choose to see how long I can hold out, and this is where the fuck up *continues*. I guess the repeated tightening of my calves induced the charlie horse, but no matter what caused it, it hit **HARD**. I don't know how mine would compare to other people's, but it made me scream. Shriek is probably the better word, actually. The most intense part only lasted about 5 seconds, but in that time, my dad must have heard from all the way across the house. Also, when the charlie horse hit, I immediately sprang up, whipping my head directly away from my laptop. This is key fuck up number 3. He ran down the hall and opened the door, seeing me fully naked cringing on the edge of my bed. Now, this wouldn't be the end of the world, as my bed is facing towards my door lengthwise, i.e. my feet are closest to the door, so the laptop screen would not be visible from the door, and he wouldn't initially be able to see the porn. It is embarrassing for my dad to see me naked, yes, but not the worst thing. *However*, remember the whipping action of my head when the charlie horse hit? Well in doing so, I pulled the ear bud cord straight out of the audio jack, immediately playing the sound of the porn I was watching out loud through my laptop speakers. This is a big fuck up on Microsoft's part, in my opinion. They should really pause video playback when ear buds are removed in my opinion, but I digress. I had no time to pause or close the video while curling up in pain, so like I said: dad walks in, finds naked son gripping his calf, and hears the sounds of hardcore porn playing. Well, needless to say, my dad booked it out of there within 5 seconds of opening the door, and I was left to my own means of resolving the pain that I had only experienced once before. The pain went away from the charlie horse, but not the embarrassment. I haven't talked to my dad yet, and I'd rather not. Ever. Again.
TL;DR: I was beating the meat, watching porn, when a charlie horse hit me. I shrieked, and accidentally unplugged my ear buds when I curled up in pain. Dad runs in to see why I'm screaming, and I'm completely naked, cringing, gripping my calf, while porn plays out loud in the background. Never speaking to him again.
Edit: Words
KinipelaH: ... so I'm guessing a charlie horse is cramp? Is this just an American thing?
pepsicola15: I suppose it is. TIL that a charlie horse is not a universal term. It's when a muscle is overexerted or dehydrated, and it spasms uncontrollably, retracting itself and inducing excruciating pain most of the time.
GiantDeviantPiano: I liked the story better when I imagined you had a small pony called Charlie Horse who kicked you while you were jerking it
| 4 | 5 | |
1409281647 | 1409394469 | t3_2evwty | t5_2to41 | 21 | Suspense14: TIFU by making Sonic the Hedgehog scare the shit out of my school's band
The following happened a mere 45 minutes ago, thus making it a true TIFU. My heart is still racing and I am filled with an immense amount of adrenaline I never knew I could produce. I don't know how well I can actually transfer the experience into a story, as it will not likely be able to carry the pure terror I felt at the moment. I will try my best...
I have been a member of my school's band since 4th grade. Being in a small township, all the elementary schools performed together at my high school (which is also connected to the middle school). This is important because I spent many years growing accustomed to teachers (most of the performing arts teachers have stuck around for decades), the students, and the layout my band room. The latter is the key to this story. Of course, little knowledge is actually required to use speakers and control panels, but most people I know don't know how to use them... at least not to their full potential...
It is nearing the end of my summer and at this time my school's marching band has "band camp". Today was the last day so I decided to end this year's "camp" with a bang. Unfortunately the bang was louder than I expected...
At the end of our rehearsal, the entire band gathered outside the auditorium for pizza and snacks. The food was provided by parents, so many were there to witness my act. I decided this was a good time to hook my phone up to the school's speaker system and play some music. To warm up I played some Darude - Sandstorm at a pretty reasonable level. No one seemed to think much of it. I guess they weren't surprised because the speaker system is actually incredibly easy to use and students often play music on it. Here's where my FU starts... My friend said to play the Sanic theme song. For those who don't know, Sanic is a meme that is simply a misspelled, poorly drawn Sonic the Hedgehog. I searched for a video on Youtube to play and the first one that came up was this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hU7EHKFNMQg
Before thinking about it I decided to turn up the volume for the speaker all the way up. Then again, my phone was on minimal volume at this point so nothing could possibly be THAT loud. NOPENOPENOPENOPE I have no idea what occurred next. Either my finger slipped or my phone decided to be evil, but the volume instantly hit max. Imagine an amp on full volume + a full volume phone playing all through the halls. Suddenly. With no warning.
._. yay
Every kid either jumped, fell to the ground, or started running. A few kids a good 50 ft away outside came running in wondering wtf just happened. It was the loudest sound I have ever heard and I instantly freaked out. I, of course, was right next to the main speaker but the sound went through the entire hallway. No one could see me where I was besides my friends who were with me. I tried turning down the volume at first only to realize my phone had locked out but was still playing the song because I was using an app that can play videos in the background. Instead of just unplugging the speaker, I panicked. I unlocked my phone and tried turning down the volume, but THE STUPID BUTTON WAS STUCK AND WOULDN'T WORK. Right there was went I came to my senses and pulled the plug. This all occurred in about 5 seconds, but after talking with some people after the event, I discovered that everyone in a range of about 300 ft jumped when the heard it and they all said it was probably the loudest sound they have ever heard. Luckily the band instructor didn't get too upset. Thinking back I don't know if this is a true FU or just a funny story. It might even be a win to some people.
Oh, and one kid shit himself.
Tl;dr Sonic the Hedgehog erupted the ears of about 80 people, and the pants of one
Blauwvinger: > Oh, and one kid shit himself.
That part was obviously the best
zsxdflip: Need more details OP. You know, for educational purposes and such. A High schooler shitting themselves is quite the exceptional phenomenon.
| 3 | 7 | |
1409281484 | 1409348061 | t3_2evwkt | t5_2to41 | 27 | [deleted]: TIFU by Asserting my dominance over my mother.
I was 15(2006) and in the prime of my illustrious porn watching career. I had the house to myself as mother and grandparents where shopping in town so I took this opportunity to watch some porn with the volume on in the family room. I watched video after video for almost 45minuts when I noticed my mouth was feeling a bit dry, so i got the kitchen and get a gallon of Orange juice and a jumbo size bag of salt and vinegar chips. I had a bad habit of truing of the computer screen when i leave the room so when i get back to family room i get on couch and begin watching The Chappelle's Show and eating my horrible meal totally forget about my Paused porn. My mother and grandmother get back about 20minuts later and im still blissfully ignorant of the hardcore pornography still open on the computer. Until my mom comes into the room and says "I need to check my email is computer on?" I respond "yes it is" at which point all the graphic horrible things i had be in the middle of watching flood back to me. She sits down at the computer desk I jump up and stop her from turning screen on and Initiate plan A which is say "Hey Momma can you make me a sandwich before you turn on computer im hungry" she agrees only she needs to check email first I start to panic as my brilliant plan falls though my fingers. I ask again with desperation in my voice "Please momma im dieing". She ignores me and goes to turn screen on and my brain shut of and went into DEFCON 1 and engaged the Nuclear option of me shouting **FINE THEN** and punching the computer screen as hard as i could cracking the glass and then picking it up and threw it out the closed pane glass window next to the desk and jumping though said widow to escape when i realized what i had done hoping she hadn't noticed what i had done less than a foot from her(hint she did). Disaster avoided and it only cost me 3 months in anger management having to get a job to pay for computer and window and no TV,Internet or friends for the rest of summer. For those wondering what was on computer so bad: 1 window of an African American Bukkake, 1 of Asians girls squirting breast milk on one another, 1 of girls getting fucked by comically large Photoshopped dicks and the worst involved Brazilian ladys riding dicks of the equine variety(It was first/last time watching that).
TL;DR almost gave my mom a heart attack over porn
NocturnalSignal: Should've just shut the computer off real quick and come up with some bullshit reason. I like your style though.
lackofcommitme: Yeah in hindsight there where so many better options but I went from plan A to plan Omega with none of the other contingency plans getting a chance.
Ghostofazombie: At what point do your plan names switch from the English alphabet to the Greek one?
lackofcommitme: Well I use the *Latin* alphabet from A to K and the Greek from Lambda to Omega because of it comes to that point something is wrong anyway.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1409282803 | 1409397978 | t3_2evyk2 | t5_2to41 | 4,424 | 210italian: TIFU by accidentally giving my son a trojan helmet and probably getting added on to a watch list.
Literally happened today. Not a throwaway because fuck it.
My son just started pre-k so we're getting used to the new schedule. His class starts at 7:45, we woke up at 7:22 after a few too many snooze buttons. Now I cant have little man showing up to school smelling like a trashcan so its time for a business shower, and hey wtf I'll kill two birds with one stone and hop in with him. Keep in mind, business shower where you just take care of the business and stop the stank in its tracks, so we're hauling ass washing up as quick as possible, all the while I'm reminding him to hurry (he's four with the attention span of an downsy dachshund at times). Shower is still running and I hop out to dry off, this is fuck up number one, we should have got out together that way I could ensure he wouldn't slip but I was in a rush.
In my haste I tell him to kill the water and hop out, he does literally just that. I hear fake gunshots, the shower curtain flung open and he tried to hop out. He's wet, slips on the tub and starts to fall, I lunge for him, my towel unravels from around my waste and he falls face first into my cock and balls, essentially giving the fruit of my loins a trojan helmet, water spewing everywhere. His intial reactions wasnt "oh thank fuck for saving my life dad!" No it was "ew, your weiner and balls were on my face!" You're welcome you little turd.
Fuck it we dont have time to worry about this, we gotta go! Its 7:39 when we hop in the car, and the whole way over it was "your balls were on my face right daddy?" And I know my son, hes the type to share stupid shit like that, so I'm already fucked. We get to the school and I walk him to class because of course we're late. His teacher comes to meet us at the door and wouldn't you fucking know it? The first words out of his mouth were how his daddy assaulted his face with his man meat, and the look of disgust and horror on his teacher's face was enough to turn me bright red, baboon ass status unlocked. She hurried my son into the classroom and slowly shut the door, I then spent the next 10 minutes explaining how I was not a sexual deviant and would never violate my child in any way. I skedaddled right the fuck out of there and promptly called my wife to make her aware of the situation, naturally she was the one to pick him up this afternoon. However the part that freaks me out was the teacher apparently played it cool.
So here I sit, watching my little trojan warrior sleep, delving into the thoughts that I am probably on a list and may receive a visit from child protective services in the very near future.
tl;dr saved my sons face with my frank and beans and now his teacher thinks I'm a molester.
Ticklemypicklee: "He's four with the attention span of a Downey dachshund at times". I've heard a lot of ways to describe a child. This is new
210italian: I had an aunt who had a dachshund and it was quite literally retarded, at times my son resembles gumbo, rip in peace.
fatsdominio: Gumbo=best name ever for a retarded dachshund
210italian: I loved that derpy mother fucker!
ThePooPooPolice: I'm Italian and also from San Antonio!
210italian: Not many of us around sa!
Weritomexican: Im Mexican and in San Antonio. There's definitely not a shortage of us!
chadsten: I'm white and live here!
Mikedrpsgt: I live in ny!
| 10 | 442.4 | |
1409277990 | 1409284056 | t3_2evr3w | t5_2to41 | 3 | daretozlatan007: TIFU by pranking my friend before PROM
fg2intw: I was expecting this to escalate to the point where Steve talks to his S.O. about prom and then getting rejected. The story is a bit of a let down. I don't feel sorry for Steve though, never liked desperate/show off-type guys who acted like him in high school.
daretozlatan007: That hypothetical situation actually happened in the previous prom to a different guy that I had pranked also haha. Well, I was actually going to wait it off and let him go to his SO to get rejected, but my friend let me down.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409282838 | 1409284278 | t3_2evyll | t5_2to41 | 5 | vinniejay: TIFU By taking prank calls too far.
Today i was having a friend over to have fun, play video games, ect. And later on into the night we had the bright idea to make prank calls. we call a couple lines, Customers support at mcdonalds, things like that. then i decide to fuck with my friend by pretending to call 911. i enter 91 and then call, of course the number is not in service so we move on. i call another line but it is cut short by a knock at the door. i go downstairs to see a group of cops at my door, it turns out i was shaking at the thought of calling 911 and hit "1" twice. so 20 minutes and many internal tears later i had gotten away with a federal offence, for now?
boothguy27: At least the cops are nice enough to let you post to Reddit while your on ice.
vinniejay: Thin ice that is. I didn't get arrested for whatever reason, but my roommate is probably on a watchlist now.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409283741 | 1409336185 | t3_2evzwm | t5_2to41 | 81 | actinonthemembrane: TIFU by forgetting about a bowl of pancake batter.
Forgotten bowl of pancake batter: A sadly true short story.
I won’t make excuses. Although in moments of misguided self-awareness I sometimes think of myself as a grown woman, I won’t deny that I will, on occasion, eat crackers for dinner and neglect to wash my dishes. On this particular evening, I was driven into action by the musings of a particularly vapid neighbour drifting through the window. I dragged myself from the fuzzy lethargy of my bed, dusted the toast crumbs off my front, and set out to be productive. To do the things that productive people do. What would that even be? The dishes, I suppose? Perhaps followed by devising some kind of ambitious meal-plan? Or maybe even making a list of all the precious organizational equipment that I need to purchase from Staples to become a truly organized person? Oh, the self-improvement possibilities were endless that evening. It was not until I was about halfway through washing my small hoard of relatively inoffensive dishes that I came across a bowl. A bowl, with the opening completely sealed by a large, conveniently sized plate. “Hmm, what did I eat out of you?” I pondered. “Too large to have been cereal, or yogurt… Ah but of course! That pasta I drunkenly devoured late Saturday night. I’ve figured you out!” I chortled to myself.
Indeed, I had made a grave miscalculation. Satisfied in my false sense of security, I lifted the sealing plate from that deceptive bowl without a second thought. I was engulfed by an odour so flagrant and vile that in those brief moments, I could imagine it having no other source than the fusty anus of Satan himself. I stumbled back, still reeling from the horror. How could I have made such an error? That was not the bowl from which I sloppily gobbled pasta, it was the bowl that I had used to make pancakes to ease my hangover the next day.
After the initial flurry of vomit subsided, I realized (not without a pang of panic) that the life forms in that bowl were clearly mere hours (if that), away from sentience. I had to act fast. Despite my gut instinct to douse the whole place in gasoline and send my pancake monstrosity back to whence it came, the blazing pits of hell, I jumped to more rational action. After a zealous swig of wine, I inserted several rolled Kleenexes into my nostrils. This proved insufficient, as the scent emanating from my outrageous ecosystem was more potent than I had first imagined. Finally, after lighting my muskiest scented candle, and securing my Kleenex barricade with a thick headband, I again ventured into the depths of dreadfulness.
It was even worse than my first brief glimpse had conveyed. How could there possibly be so many colours? Why are the strands and strings so long? Were those gills, an eye, opposable thumbs? God only knows. I hurled the bowl into the sink with closed eyes, madly spraying fresh-scented soapy glory in all directions. “Surely when the blast of scalding water begins, that stuff-of-nightmares will just dissolve, rinse away down the pipes, perhaps populate the sewers?” I speculated. As long it would no longer be assaulting my senses, I was on board.
Alas, not so. As the onslaught of hot water began, rather than simply disbanding into sweet oblivion, the stuff broke off in ghastly islands. Chunks. Large, and with enough substance to effectively block the drain in seconds. Imagine my horror. You can’t. After again revisiting my cracker dinner, I regrouped. After fashioning a glove of paper towel, I plunged my hand into the sink and with a bone-rattling shudder pulled out a putrid handful. I had to do this three more times before the drain was cleared enough to blast the remainder of that fungal-society into darkness. Had that bowl not been a particularly tasteful President’s Choice selection from the “Home” section of Loblaws, I don’t know if I would have fought for it, choosing rather to sacrifice it to the wild dark forces that produced that unspeakable fauna.
Exhausted, I crawled back to my furry sanctuary, clutching the remainder of the wine. Raw, sterilized hands still trembling. Although the alcohol and the fruits of random Netflix wandering served to numb, there was no forgetting that forgotten pancake bowl. How foolish I was, to think for even a moment that I am a functional adult.
CameronmacK: You should write books. Lots of them.
Phreakiture: Seconded. Your storytelling style is fantastic.
HEYdontIknowU: Constructive opinion: The imagery was way overdone and detracted from the story itself. I couldn't even finish it.
| 4 | 20.25 | |
1409284651 | 1410376670 | t3_2ew156 | t5_2to41 | 11 | Frank_Feces: TIFU by breaking my neighbour’s window with a golf ball
This fuck up occurred about 10 years ago when I was 15 (so I was old enough to know better!).
I was on summer break from school and I was bored one afternoon. I had recently begun playing golf and I thought that this would be a good opportunity to get some practice in. I grabbed my pitching wedge and some plastic practice golf balls and headed out to my backyard. After about ten minutes of hitting these practice golf balls I had a genius idea: Why not spice things up a bit and start hitting some actual golf balls!!?? And so I did. Just small little chip shots at first, nothing too extreme. Until I got the bright idea to see if I could hit a ball up over my house and make it land in my front yard. (It was a small, one storey house). And so I did. The first couple of shots went perfectly over my house and landed in my front yard. However, the third shot was not so perfect. I hit it too hard. Way too hard. It flew up over my house and kept on flying. And flying. Until I heard the unmistakable sound of glass breaking. “Fuck”.
I knew that I must have broken a window on the house on the other side of the street. I ran to my front yard and ducked down behind my little fence to check the damage. Sure enough, I could see that the house’s front window was shattered. I panicked, and ran inside my house and hid my golf balls and club (hiding the evidence, you might say). About 30 minutes passed and by this point I had relaxed. Until I heard a commotion outside my house. I peeked out the window and almost bricked my pants. There were two policemen walking around my house. Not only that, they had a fucking police dog with them. And the scariest thing of all, they were talking to my mum. Oh shit.
They know it was me who broke the window! Someone must have seen me! They’ve come to arrest me! These were the thoughts racing through my head.
I sat down and waited for the police to come and get me. I waited. And waited. Still waiting. No one came. I peeked out the window again and the cops had gone.
Eventually my mum came inside. “What’s going on?” I asked.
“Apparently someone tried to break into the house across the road” she said. “They broke a window but must have panicked and took off. Somebody heard the crash and then saw a person hiding behind our fence in the front yard, so they called the police.”
After a moment of confusion, it hit me. I was the ‘burglar’ that had been seen hiding behind the fence when I’d gone to see the damage my stray golf ball had caused. I managed to contain my amusement and played dumb about the whole thing.
I don’t play golf anymore.
TLDR: Broke a window with a golf ball. A misunderstanding involving a burglar and the police ensues.
Russyo00: Wow, nicely done.
When I was about 12 or so, my 2 younger brothers and I decided it would be cool to setup a mini-golf course in our backyard. We setup different holes and made obstacles out of things we found laying around. Well that went on for a day or two, then we broke out the croquet set and started using the croquet balls and mallets.
Then, the greatest idea ever popped into my head. You see, right behind my house is an alley way, then another house that is on a cul-de-sac, which leads to a big open city park with soccer and baseball fields. I thought, "I wonder if I can hit a golf ball with one of these croquet mallets all the way to the park." Mind you it's probably a good 300-400 yards to the actual park, but I really only had to clear the one house behind us to make it bounce into the park. Easy as pie, I thought in my head.
First couple I smash way over the house, it looked like a professional home-run derby event in my backyard. I congratulate myself on the 3 or 4 I crushed. Last one I toss up is a totally different story. This one is a straight line drive, hit as hard as I could muster. Well... in slow motion I watch this line drive, I just hit, go directly over the top of my fence, cross the alley, then go just over the top of my neighbor's fence and right to his back kitchen window. CRASH!!! I just froze... horrified.
So another brilliant idea pops into my head. I quickly grab every golf ball that I can see, our backyard, the park, even in the neighbors backyard for extra measure. Especially the one directly below the kitchen window.
Next day I wake up to the doorbell and some muffled talked about a golf ball... their window... inside my kitchen... then it hits me like a run away truck. My golf ball didn't hit the window and bounce back, it smashed through the window and ended up inside their SINK!!!! If it wouldn't have hit a wall it probably would've shot right out the front window and continued to the park where I was trying to get it.
BAM! Busted, dad closes the door calmly and waits about a minute. My guess was he was waiting for the neighbor to be out of ear shot of what was about to happen in the house. He screams for me to come downstairs immediately, he know exactly what had happened and exactly who did it.
Yup, I took a good beating for that and had to buy the neighbor a new window. They were excellent hits though. haha
Frank_Feces: haha the image of you smashing a golf ball with a croquet mallet is hilarious! It's a shame you got caught, totally worth it though!
Russyo00: I would bounce them off our concrete patio and hit them like a baseball. They had very good speed off the bat, to say the least. lol, good times.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1409262656 | 1409345082 | t3_2ev1qg | t5_2to41 | 9 | potentialhijabi1: TIFU by ignoring my stomach.
I was lying in bed this morning and, for want of a better term, my stomach was feeling tight, like a balloon was inside it. I decided to ignore it, and tried to get back to sleep.
This was a big mistake. After 10 minutes, my stomach gave an almighty lurch and I was forced to run to the toilet, which was luckily not too far away. I then launched the worst stream of diarrhoea imaginable, almost like brown water. Almost 20 minutes later I crawled out of the toilet, feeling like death.
So I went back to my room, thinking that the worst was over. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Another 10 min later, my stomach began making a seriously horrible noise like water going down the plughole, like a 'glug glug' noise. I thought it was trapped wind, and although the pain was really bad, I chose to ignore it, as this happened before and it was trapped wind. Then it happened- I proceeded to throw up all over my bed, carpet, rug, clothes and (I don't know how) hair.
It took close to two hours to clean all the mess up, and in the process the smell caused me to throw up again.
eating_donuts: Jesus Christ man, what the hell did you eat?!
potentialhijabi1: Your guess is as good as mine...I didn't eat anything unusual or new.
garshol: So, by eating old, you fucked up.
potentialhijabi1: Nope....everything I ate was fresh-bought that day.
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1409285791 | 1409291778 | t3_2ew2u2 | t5_2to41 | 10 | LightweightKing: TIFU by being mr.steal yo girl, fucking up, and having a rough night. NSFW
My friend likes a girl, but has no sex drive. I also enjoy this girl, but I wanted to have sex with her. I felt like hints were being dropped that she was down. I planned to spread nutella on her booty and lick it off and work from there. I didn't know my friend liked this girl when I stole her, but apparently he did. We were being all touchy feely at my house, and we kept on asking him "Do you have feelings for her?" and he kept on denying feelings. Later when she stepped into his car to leave, he yelled at her "OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU" thus releasing all of his pent up jealousy and rage. I kept on texting the girl, and we planned out stuff to do. Originally, I planned for it to be just her and I, but another friend was bringing weed so yeah, i let him come. With him, another friend tagged along cause he thought I was getting laid and wanted to make jokes. My jealous friend (let's call him Porifera), was hanging out with her, and brought her to my house. I didn't want him to come at all and offered to pick up the girl because I care about his feelings to a degree. In the end, for some form of convenience she ended up coming to my house with him. Now, instead of just two of us as I had planned, there were five people. I was still going to go through with my plan, because I asked two friends separate from this group if I should and they said yeah. When we all got here, we went out to eat and came back. Both of us had planned to piss him off to get him to leave, and my friends also wanted this. My friends were all for me getting laid and yeah. So I fucked up by pissing off my friend. He is pissed that I used him for a ride (I didn't want to use him) and pissed that I stole his girl. The moment we started drinking, Porifera left. Here is fuck up round 2. I drank way too much, too fast, and then smoked two bowls. I am on a diet, so I had a very empty stomach. I drank like, 12 ozs of vodka, and I am a lightweight. Like, I can't handle liquor well either way, but my stomach being empty as well just made it worse. At this point I was pretty fucked up. We went to my couch and cuddled while watching game of thrones for a while, and bam. (This next part, I don't actually remember, but I was told) My friends took my to the bathroom so I could throw up. I remember being pretty comfy like face down on my toilet seat, but I didn't throw up. Afterwards I walked out and somehow ended up on my bed. Once on my bed, I threw up a lot, for like an hours and passed out. I was wearing the girls sweatshirt and threw up all over one arm of it. I also threw up on my carpet, and all over my bed and pillow. When I woke up I had the worst hangover. My friends had managed to keep my alive so that's cool. I believe the girl has lost interest in me assuming she believes I drank a lot to impress and also I totally threw up on her sweatshirt. My friend hates me cause I tried to steal his girl and use her for sex. Also, apparently in my sleep, I talked and said "I need to shit" and continuously dropped ass, thus making my friends think I sharted. I didn't though. And yeah, that is how I fucked up.
tl;dr : I tried to steal my friends female interest, wanted to have sex with her, pissed off my friend by using him, and in the end didn't get laid and instead passed out after throwing up.
Wellplayedsir032: From someone whos been in your "friends" shoes, fuck u with a welding rod, u deserve blueballs
TheGamer9371: I second this idea
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1409286012 | 1409466160 | t3_2ew33f | t5_2to41 | 12 | chrisg88: TIFU and TIL that hot sauce is a hot on yours balls as in your mouth
If your friends challenge you to to ghost pepper+ hot sauce on your balls, don't do it...
elcalrissian: I once got Icyhot in my peehole. (Thighs touched my junk) Worst ever.
MidnightPlatinum: I know someone who did this and I saw him come out of the bathroom PANTING and CRYING. He laid on the ground for more than a half hour and started intensely sweating.
elcalrissian: my dumbass jumped in the shower to wash it off.
BAD MOVE. water made it worse.
| 4 | 3 | |
1409283061 | 1409331466 | t3_2evywz | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by kicking a football
So this is the first week back on campus, and most everyone's first week is pretty nonchalant. With that being said, there's a lot more activity around the central hub of campus where all the students gather to mingle. Conveniently enough, there's a smallish field smack dab in the middle of the hub, large enough for a bunch of dudes to fool around in the field, throwing frisbees, baseballs, footballs, whatever.
So a group of friends that I'd made this week decided we should play some football in this field, and I was down for it. So things go well for like 5 minutes, we split into teams and are half-assing it since we're playing with some girls as well. But then someone fumbled the football, and there was a mad race for the football, and I was just ahead enough of a friend that I figured I could scoop down, grab it, and hurdle to the "endzone" we'd decided on. So I beat my friend to the football, but instead of quickly scooping it up with an arm, I accidentally kicked the football. Straight into this chick's vagina.
It didn't really register to me at first that I've kicked her in the cooter, until I saw her face. It reminded me of those stupid, over-exaggerated close-ups of guys in movies when they get hit/kicked/punched in the balls. Except accompanied with her scrunched up face was an incredibly exasperated "OHHH." and then she fell to her knees.
I ran up to her, apologizing profusely, but she didn't say anything to me. One of her lady friends came over and they walked off.
Turns out I kicked the football so precisely/hard she had an orgasm because of it, and didn't want to make eye contact with anyone.
tl;dr Kicked a girl in the vagina with a football, got called a Cunter repeatedly and was told the blast point was too accurate for sand people.
[deleted]: Have you seen her or said anything at all? How did you find out it was an orgasm? That sounds like a plot to a porn
Replaysguy: The friend she walked off with told me yesterday via text after we all dispersed. I talked with the girl that I kicked today, and she said we're good. But yeah, she did.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409281803 | 1409315364 | t3_2evx2b | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU by pulling a Cady Heron over the PA system at work.
The arts and craft store that I work at was having a gift basket draw last week. Every evening that week, from 6pm-8pm you could fill out a ballot for a chance to win a gift basket full of stuff. On this particular evening, I was tasked with doing a paint stencil demo from 6-8, while also getting people to enter the draw . Well, It's finally 7:55pm. I'm done my demo, got some people to enter the draw and my 10 hour shift is done in 5 minutes. I'm just about to get up from my little table so I can hand the box of ballots over to my manager so he can announce the winner but he is on his way out the door for his break. He waves to me and says, " Don't forget to announce the winner at 8!"
Great, I have to give the announcement?! This might not seem like a big deal but I'm the kind of person who writes a script and rehearses it multiple times before ordering pizza. Face to face interaction is fine but when it comes to phones and pa systems, I can't. I don't know why. The nerves are getting to me as I walk up to the front cash. My knees are shaking as I place the box of names on the counter, pick up the phone and press page.
I start doing an introduction saying that the winner will be announced shortly. I hear myself over the loudspeakers. My voice is surprisingly calm and steady. Then, I announce the winner.
" JULIE [LASTNAME] ! You are the lucky winner of this evenings fine arts gift basket!"
Excellent! I've made it this far without passing out or vomiting. I start to relax.
" Julie, If you are still in the store..."
This is when it all comes crashing. I meant to say cash desk but then I started saying front and it came out as :
"...Please come to the cunt.. UH..front..cash..to p-pick up your basket!"
I place the phone back onto the base and slowly turn to my coworker who is ringing up a sweet old woman next to me. Her eyes were wide with a smirk on her face. She heard it, the guy chuckling in line definitely heard it.
I give Julie the basket, say congrats , we hug and then I speed walk to the break room where I sit in silence while drinking my juice box before going home.
**TL;DR: Had a gift basket draw at work, got nervous when announcing the winner over the pa system, jumbled my words together and said " come to the cunt" over the loudspeaker. People heard.**
Bacon_Isnt_France: What does "pulling a cady heron" mean?
pieandbeer: Word vomit
Bacon_Isnt_France: Sorry I'm still not sure what that means :/
pieandbeer: It's from the movie Mean Girls. I tried to find a link to the word vomit part, but sadly couldn't. [Here's](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YUaQGEQ8-Q&t=0m5s) some other funny parts from the movie though.
Bacon_Isnt_France: Oh OK I've never seen that movie so I didn't get the references. Thanks though, I think I'll watch it sometime!
| 6 | 3.833333 | |
1409288539 | 1409290024 | t3_2ew6ap | t5_2to41 | 30 | testyomanyo: TIFU by asking a guy I was hitting on if he had a huge cock within the first 15 seconds of meeting him.
I am a member of a country club. Not one of the rich, invite only ones. There are tiers of membership. For $50/month, you get the social, for $125/month, you get social + x hours of tennis/golf/etc, etc.
The tier I purchase is titled, "huge club." It is $225/month for social, unlimited tennis, unlimited swimming, 6 rounds of golf per month, and discounts at some of the bars/restaurants. The only higher tier is $1000/month for unlimited everything and having the employees do everything for you (eg: scheduling), but not many people go for that.
One of the bars at the club is exclusive to those at the "huge club" level or above. I was hanging out there today and saw a cute guy. Our conversation went something like this:
Me: Hey, I'm Hayley. What's your name?
Him: I'm Jon.
Me: I haven't seen you here before, and I spend way too much time drinking. Do you have a huge cock?
That was an accident. I meant to ask, "Did you just get your huge club?" I was embarrassed and couldn't explain myself and he just kind of went on with normal conversation.
He still asked for my number and asked to grab dinner some time, but at this point, it's not an option. Too embarrassing.
joelwinsagain: I'm sure he knows it was just a Freudian slip.
createanewaccountuse: Or think you're a gold-digger that hangs out at country clubs.
joelwinsagain: Apparently he's okay with that then.
createanewaccountuse: I don't know the guy, mayebe he's cool like that. I wish I could be cool like that :(
joelwinsagain: He still asked for her number, so if he does think she's a gold-digger, he's unfazed.
| 6 | 5 | |
1409290462 | 1409327695 | t3_2ew8f3 | t5_2to41 | -38 | I-Made-A-Bad-Choice: TIFU by hanging photos of a female friend in my shower (for masturbation purposes), forgetting about it, and inviting that friend to my house for a party.
Oh **FUCK!!!!!!!!!!**
I am boiling with shame and humiliation.
There is a friend of mind who I find attractive. So, what I did awhile ago was to print out some of her best facebook pictures. I kind of wrapped them up in plastic wrap and I affixed them all over my shower walls.
What I do on a daily basis, every morning when I shower, I am naked and surrounded by her pics, and I masturbate to them. (Sometimes *on* them.)
It's just a habit. The pics have been up for months, so its to the point where I really think nothing of it at all.
I had a little party at my house last night. It never entered my head to even think about the pictures on my shower wall. So fucking DUMB.
To make a long story short, she was one of the guests. I don't know if she found it on her own or if somebody else saw it and told her, but all that matters is that she saw them.
She came out of the bathroom with a few of the pictures, looking horrified and disgusted. My mind froze. It all clicked for me right then. I couldn't believe I didn't think to remove the pics before the party.
Before she could even say anything, I ran out of my own party, out of my own apartment. I ran crying out the door and into the street. I slept in my car.
When I got back in the morning everyone was gone, of course.
I have a lot of unanswered text messages and facebook comments, which I haven't even looked at. I skipped work. I have basically settled into the idea that I am just going to get the fuck out of this town. Resettle somewhere else, start over. I want to hit the road this weekend. I can't face her. I can't face my friends and co-workers. Everyone knows. I need to start over. New town, new state. New people.
I have been sitting here all night crying, jacking it to her facebook pictures like a pathetic fuckmop.
I really fucked up. Why didn't I just remember to remove the pics before the party? I'm a dumb-fuck. God damn.
I am so out of this town. Fuck them all. Time for a new start.
Oh shit I fucked up.
MidnightPlatinum: **Take a deep breath!** Shame is indeed burning and painful, but the worst of it subsides within a few days. Especially, if you relax and sleep it off. Sleep is the brain and soul's reset button. But yes, you did do something unusual and you got caught. Use this as an opportunity for self-reflection, and when you are feeling ready... first start talking about it with your closest friends trying to laugh about it and find realistic explanations.
If it is ever appropriate (in some relationships/situations it is not) then message her a brief but sincere FB message saying you are ashamed and embarrassed and were doing 'stupid guy things' because you had a crush on her with fantasies you let get carried away because you felt too shy to tell her. Women are perceptive, sometimes they already knew you adored them. Tell her you know how crazy it all seemed, and will understand if she never talks to you again. My TIFU for today was someone nearly dying, so keep perspective! You can make it through!
I-Made-A-Bad-Choice: Stop trying to cum on me. I don't need sappy bullshit I need reality.
buprenorFiend_: What a dick. Leave town and start over you piece of shit. What kind of pussy quits his job and moves his entire life because of being embarrassed? Suck it up, hold your head up, and accept that people saw an embarrassing side of you..or just cry yourself to sleep while fapping to a girl who will never want you
MidnightPlatinum: > Suck it up, hold your head up, and accept that people saw an embarrassing side of you..
Good point for our OP. People forget that **everyone** has been caught doing something embarrassing.
DarthDammit: Yeah not this fucked up.
| 6 | -6.333333 | |
1409289968 | 1409300243 | t3_2ew7uy | t5_2to41 | 38 | ashmush: TIFU by trying to have sex after eating spicy food
Since this is the summer my boyfriend and I have been on kind of a dry spell. We're both college students living at home and family members are home all time, so we can't go over to each others houses. We're also broke so we can't get a hotel room, so we pretty much take what we can get. So when we finally find a little study room in the corner of the school library we decide it'd be now or never. Today would have been out first day having sex after a good 2 weeks or so.
We decide to grab some lunch first, and we both love spicy food so we get extra hot sauce on our food. And not just the vinegary stuff either, like hard-core pepper sauce. My boyfriend hates tomatoes so he decides to pick out all the hot sauce covered tomatoes from the food. So once we get to the study room things start getting hot, and we're both totally into it. He starts finguring me, and I start to feel a bit uncomfortable around my vagina, but I also haven't gotten any in a while so I don't pay much mind to it. Then my boyfriend decides to go down on me, and I start to feel a serious burning sensation around my clit. Like really painful, and my horny mind finally snaps out and realized he just ate food drenched in a gallon of hot sauce. There's prolly hot sauce still on his tongue and now his tongue is on my clit hence the burn. I shove him off really fast screamingb and run to the bathroom to try to calm down the burn.
My vagina was in no shape to continue after, so we both had to walk away without breaking our dry spell. And yet he still asked for a bj when I came back not realizing I ate the same food he did and it'd end up the same way! He did not get the bj.
Edit: I'm really curious how badly it hurts for a guy to have pepper on their penis, anyone who has Jerked off while having pepper on your hands care to enlightened me?
zarzuel: That's a spicy meatball!
AnalOverload: Oh you.....
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1409290758 | 1409298195 | t3_2ew8q4 | t5_2to41 | 7 | MidnightPlatinum: TIFU by calling the cops on a homeless black man and almost making another Ferguson.
Man, I'm just coming down from the adrenaline of it all right now. I'll tell it all in short form then give some brilliant observations. I'm trying something efficient and making the tl:dr the **bolded** comments below.
-Late night, I was sitting in my car outside my house in a major city, something I rarely do. There is some real crime in my neighborhood involving abandoned houses and car break-ins. But on a day-to-day basis it's quiet. I still feel like I shouldn't be sitting there... but there are interesting things on Google News that I'm reading, so YOLO!
-**I look over and someone has snuck up on me. There is a man dressed in all black rags** (not clothes, *rags*) **posing perfectly still like a statue**, fairly close to my window! My blood seizes like ice at the **horror-movie like image that is being burned into my brain**. Only he and I are visible anywhere on the streets nearby. It was way scarier than it sounds.
-**I start my car and drive off fast.** As my sanity returns I circle the block, turn on my brights and want to see him from a different angle. I have to know what just happened. **He starts walking away fast, then doubles back.**
-The combination of these two things triggers me to call the cops. I wish he was not a black man with how charged of an issue race and policing is in America... but he is and that's something I cannot change. I circle back through the area at different angles a few times, sometimes behind other cars so he doesn't know it is me.
-**The cops don't come and he keeps prowling the neighborhood.** He has a creepy, burglar-like way of walking and is looking into the windows of all the cars nearby and into the abandoned houses. Usually, in our area the pimps, human traffickers, meth lab makers, and so on do this. We had 16 cases of this last year.
-An hour later the cops have not come (I yell at the 911 dispatcher) and he keeps circling the block doing his creepy thing.
-**When the cops come, I lead their car over to him and he jumps behind some vans on seeing the cops.** This triggers the officer to call for backup. The officer yells to me *"Get back in your car!"* and goes in for a chase.
-The man decides better and steps out into the cop's flashlight. **He is fuming and yelling angry things about being stopped as a black man. The cop is an overweight white man. The black man keeps coming toward the cop, his face filled with total rage. Through the man's rags I can see that he is very muscular. The cop yells at him "Stop coming toward me NOW!"**
-So for one infinitely-long moment I am certain I am about to see this man get shot. The cop does not seem to have a tazer visible (bright yellow electrical gun) so I'm certain its going to be a fatal shooting. I can't blame him, as this man is truly terrifying, filled with rage, and much much stronger looking than the cop.
-The man barely stops. **Oddly, this pudgy police gentleman knows all the right things to say to soothe this man and reassure him.** No shots happen. 4 other cops show up (completely blocking my car in), one of whom is a gorgeous young woman, and another of whom is black. I talk to the black cop who is *completely nonchalant about the whole situation*. He seems also to think that the homeless man is about to be seriously injured, but says something to me like "Hey... if he's acting like that..."
-**The cops put him into the back of the squad and come tell me that he is a mentally ill person and homeless man that they deal with a lot**. He was creeping around the area waiting for the fast food places a block away to throw away their food trash. They say they are going to be taking him 'home,' which I assume means a shelter down the road.
-**I sit there in shame, feeling bad for nearly getting a homeless black man shot**, but still scarred with that image burned into my brain of a crazy man in zombie-rags posing next to me like a statue. There have been unexplained crimes in our area that seem to have been done with tremendous force, so I wonder if it was him.
Additional Info: My family (and I as an individual) are white, black, and native american. We talk race a lot and I am active in supporting healthy race relations. I felt upset like most of you about the recent and similar events in the news. Each and every case is *totally unique* but in this case I find it odd that the only time race was strongly brought into the picture (and where someone was going to make an actual decision based on race) was when the man was moving angrily at the officer and was considering attacking this cop. He felt he was being stopped for being black, which he could not see was not the case (at least in this instance). Instead, he was being stopped for scaring me and then prowling around in circles in my neighborhood for more than an hour, while performing very suspicious behavior. Which, now in retrospect was explained by his mental illness.
Anyway, in the last part of the situation and the conversation afterwards the main, pudgy white cop seemed to genuinely care about the homeless guy, down to his little words and actions (he was also the one to offer him a ride). As a witness, I would have been forced to put nearly all the blame on the homeless man had something happened, but in my heart would have felt partly responsible for the entire situation.
So remember, for every Ferguson, there is a complex situation like this that turns out alright for everyone involved. In the words of the hot lady cop at the end of the night, "Good work, everyone." Side note: she seemed to be the real bro and the emotional leader of the group. **Hopefully, we all grow so no more innocent/angry people are not killed when serious force is not necessary and gentle words can save lives!** *edit: grammar
shaker_not_shaken: Op, this isn't your fuckup, you did the right thing by calling the cops. It could have gone way worse in many different ways for all parties involved including the mentally ill dude.
MidnightPlatinum: Yeah, thanks. Helps me feel a little better about it all. Our neighborhood has a policy of calling the cops on all suspicious individuals *immediately*, due to how many people try to use the foreclosed (abandoned) homes for serious evil. I really wouldn't have called them at all if he had done anything normal or left the area.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1409291145 | 1409296844 | t3_2ew94o | t5_2to41 | 13 | mispelled23: TIFU by laughing at old people
I work as a server at a major restaurant chain, and today a party of 30 walks in. Me and 3 other servers are asked to be on it. They all file in and take their seats, and I couldn't help but notice they were all quite old many with walkers and such. So, they got situated while the 4 of us got some ice and glasses ready. Now, part of our job description involves asking large parties why they came in today. One server is usually elected to ask the guests this as well as introduce the other servers. One of guys I was taking the party with elected himself for the task. We all walk up and he introduces the group and then proceeds to ask what the occasion is, someone blurts out "going away party!". There was about a 3 second pause. Then it clicked. I starting laughing uncontrollably while the guy who greeted the table gave me a death stare and the other 2 buried their faces in their shirts to avoid laughing as well. I thought I could stop but I couldn't so I had to walk away from the table in a fit of laughter. I felt extremely guilty for obvious reasons but I just couldn't stop laughing. 10 minutes later my manager pulls me into her office, I explained to her what happened, apparently one of the servers told on me. I found out later that they were from a nearby senior home and were saying goodbye to one of the mangers who found another job. I got a write up, probably would have been worse but I don't think any one at the table got the joke.
TL;DR: I laughed uncontrollably at senior citizens who said they were having a "going away party".
jfb3: Well if the oldster said "Our friend died." and you laughed then you should be ashamed and rightfully so.
But, they said "A going away party.". By which I would have assumed they were making light of a (potentially) serious situation. The fact that you laughed at this phrasing isn't unbelievable or too far out of the ordinary.
What you didn't mention was: What the members of the party did when you laughed?
mispelled23: Haha I don't even remember. Subconsciously I probably didn't want to look at them in fear of having to see the looks of horror.
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1409292012 | 1409328371 | t3_2ewa29 | t5_2to41 | 511 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex with my sister's best friend.
A little bit of context/background on this story: I have known this girl for a LONG LONG time, this is about 8-10 years. This chick has been over our house more times than I can remember, and she has seen me be in basically all of my relationships during this time (as well as seeing me hanging out with my female friends and girlfriends in my room as well). I've always been attracted to her however I have never made a move towards her. Our only interactions are if I see her somewhere and we chat for a bit, or if she's at our place and I talk to her there. We may text once in a while but nothing serious.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago where I just broke up with my girlfriend; I'm horny as hell and been beating off furiously since I no longer have sex on a regular basis. It's been around 2 months since I broke it off. My sister had some errands to run and decided to leave this chick around at our place ( I had no knowledge of this) while she went to do them. Me, being the horny teenager I am proceed to talk to her, however I didn't want to be so forward as to fuck her. This girl is a virgin and I knew she had not been with many guys (however I had a strong feeling she knew about the many girls I had been with).
We chat for a bit about school/ where she'll be going to college and some random shit. She was also wearing a cleavage-revealing top today; she is well endowed. After chatting my penile rage begins to peak so I decide to tell her I'm going to go nap since I've had a long day and she decides to chill downstairs in the den while she waits for my sister. I strip down to my boxers and began to masturbate furiously. This is where it gets interesting.
Out of fucking nowhere I get a knock on my door followed by "I'm coming in I'm wondering if I can grab some food from the fridge?". She basically walks in on me with my cock out, I had no time to put it back into my boxers. She stands there for a second and produces a semi-high pitched squeal with "I'm sorry!!!", and proceeds to go back downstairs. Again, let me reiterate that I have known this girl for 10 years and NO contact has ever occurred between us.
I decided to confront her about it before she ran down the steps (probably to address it to my sister via text), and she was as red as can be. My retard kicks in and I decide, hey fuck it just kiss this chick and see if it works. She kissed me back surprisingly, I'm not sure if she liked me or what but it proceeds to a long make-out session followed by us going back upstairs. I start to touch her goods and to my surprise nobody had touched her down there; she loved it. I ask her if she's okay with having sex and we end up doing the deed.
Now, HERE is where the fuck-up takes place. This chick falls asleep on my bed after we have sex and I decide to go for a shower and head downstairs for a snack. My sister comes in and asks where her friend was, I told her that she went home. To any layperson this may seem very unbelievable, why would your best friend randomly go home without telling you? This girl has a habit for sporadically leaving without telling my sister. So at this point my sister believes that she left, little does she know she's asleep in my bed.
Fast forward 1-2 hours later when the parents get home and we decide to have dinner. But guess fucking what? The girl's parents are our fucking guests for dinner that night. My dumbass forgets to mention to this chick that nobody should know about this. It ends up with us having dinner and we see her walking downstairs and saying hi to my parents only to realize that her parents are there too. Her parents also know that the only room that is upstairs is my room, therefore why the fuck would she be up there? The dad gives me the worst death-stare I have ever encountered; the mom is staring at mine like what the fuck did your son do with my daughter.
The girl decides to peace the fuck out.
My sister is still wondering what the fuck happened.
I just hope I didn't fuck any friendships or family friend stuff up.
Tl:Dr: Parents/sister, girl's parents find out I fucked sister's best friend/ their daughter. Find out because they're at dinner at our place and see their daughter walk downstairs from my room.
Bear_Ear_Fritters: Is nobody else finding this a bit hard to believe?
Mal10284: I was cynical like you once upon a time young Bear, but there comes a time in ones life where you just gotta take the bull by the horns, say fuck it and just give yourself in to the subreddit that is TIFU
Bear_Ear_Fritters: Yeah maybe. I can forgive the made-up ones which are funny/creative, but this is just teenage boy wank-fodder. Yawn.
Grobulox: Did you know people have sex sometimes?
[deleted]: Yes, did you know that porno scenarios where random girls walk in on a guy jacking off and then want to fuck him generally don't happen?
There's even a porn site *called* "My Sister's Hot Friend" where this is the typical scenario.
Let me guess, you're going to upvote the next /r/tifu where a guy gives a bullshit story about delivering a pizza and the hot girl who answered the door in lingerie didn't have enough money for a tip but was willing to make it up to him in other ways?
Grobulox: Why ya gotta be so mad about people fuckin dawg
You wanna talk about it?
[deleted]: If you believe that porn scenarios are real, I think you're the one lacking in a real sex life...
Grobulox: HEY. I touch many butts.
| 9 | 56.777778 | |
1409294160 | 1409330672 | t3_2ewc88 | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending my boss a text about getting drugs!
Today I sent my boss a text (meant for someone else) about getting some more drugs! It was coded and I hope he didn't get what I was talking about but he replied saying "I think you meant that for someone else."
Now I'm freaking out waiting for him to bring it up asking for an explanation!
memil143: What did you say?
Chesstariam: "Hey! I'm back in biz. You hear anything about Addy? You need anything?"
Blackflag421: Unless he's been in the scene that's ambiguous enough he probably doesn't recognize what it's about.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409292686 | 1409340793 | t3_2ewar5 | t5_2to41 | 123 | FilmYak: TIFU by lying about my scuba experience and giving myself two black eyes.
This happened last week. We were on vacation in a gorgeous tropical island in the Caribbean, and I was psyched to do some scuba diving!
I got certified when I was 19 (I'm in my 40's now), I've done close to 100 dives, and I've got several advanced certifications.
But that was all from when I lived in Miami.
Now I live on the west coast, and the ocean is COLD.
I hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE cold water diving. I'd rather go several years without diving than deal with cold water.
Which is why it had been about 6 years since my previous dive. I lied, told the dive shop it had been just under 3. I figured I had plenty of experience, had done it enough times, it would all come back to me.
Which it did.
Well, most of it came back to me.
See, when you descend, you have to constantly equalize the pressure (the air pockets in your sinuses get pushed down by the pressure of the water around you). No biggie, that's scuba 101, and I'm pressurizing fine as I dive. But I was just coming off a nasty head cold, and the pain wasn't going away. In fact, by the time I had descended about 30 feet, I was in agony, desperately trying to pressurize my sinuses and realizing I was probably going to have to abort my first dive in ages.
And then it hit me... my sinuses were fine, I was confusing the signals! There's also air in your face mask, and I had forgotten to equalize that separately! Rookie mistake. So I grab my face mask, lift the bottom up to immediately break the vacuum seal, and the pain goes away instantly. Problem solved! (It's easy to get water back out of your mask even when you are underwater.)
I dive without incident, go back to the boat when my air is low... and get shocked looks from my dive buddy. He tells me I have two black eyes. And that my eyeballs are red.
Turns out I gave myself "mask squeeze" -- the pressure on my eyes before I equalized the mask was intense. It wasn't two black eyes -- it was a bruise in the exact shape of my scuba mask. I looked like the lone ranger, except I didn't need a mask to disguise myself.
As for my eyes? they weren't bloodshot... they were Halloween / horror movie RED. At least 60% of the whites of my eyes was a solid blood red.
The good news? It's all cosmetic damage. No double vision, no eyesight issues..... the bruise went away in a few days, and my eyes are only about 15% red now. They should be clear in a week.
And yes, I laughed about it once I realized I wasn't in any danger, and I did get some more dives in while on the vacation.
tl;dr -- made a rookie scuba diving mistake, paid the price in extra-ugly.
strikers84: That's hilarious! You got any pics?
FilmYak: I do. But not a chance in hell I'm posting them. :)
d_bonez: op pls
Singeo: pls op
thathockeydude: po slp
I_Noah_Guy: Prty pls op
| 7 | 17.571429 | |
1409295070 | 1409299953 | t3_2ewd4a | t5_2to41 | 69 | MrDoctorBalls: TIFU by sending photos of a guy I am interested in to himself
Whelp, this just happened a while ago.
I was facetiming my friend and we were talking about how we'd both respectively met two guys today on campus that we were interested in. I was with her when she was approached by guy #1, but she wasn't with me when guy #2, a total QT3.14 from my physics class, struck up conversation with me. He'd told me his full name when he gave me his number, so I get the bright idea to search for it on facebook and sure enough, his profile pops up. She wants to know what he looks like, so I proceed to take a few screen shots of his profile pictures and send them her way. As we are talking, my useless brain associates his face with his name and I select his name as the recipient instead of my friend's, and end up sending the multiple photos I've just swiped off of his facebook to him. It is only after the messages have delivered that realization dawns upon me as to what has just happened.
TL;DR Sent multiple photos of guy I am interested in to guy I am interested in.
Update: So even after that ordeal, he still wanted to meet up today. He basically got a huge laugh out of it and told me not to worry, and admitted to social media stalking people himself, though never managed to fuck up as colossally as I did. He was surprised I didn't try to fabricate some kind of lie about his phone malfunctioning or something as I guess it'd gotten wet at a concert he was at? When we met up today, he told me embarrassing stories about himself to make me feed better, which I hugely appreciated and he still wants to be study buddies. Can't tell if he's actually interested in me or just like the nicest, most well rounded person on the planet, but either way, the outcome is a lot better (and less dramatic) than originally anticipated to be.
CornholingJeebus: Better he find out how your brain works now then before you use the term "QT3.14" in front of him.
MrDoctorBalls: Maybe, I definitely think certain personality types gravitate towards engineering. Namely: total squares like myself that think the term QT3.14 is funny. He's an EE, so hopefully he will be partial to lame ass jokes.
Edit: Additional information.
ninjacompoop: Honestly, you just blew my mind with QT3.14. If he doesn't appreciate it, he isn't worth it.
sobok: This. Because I know I'm stealing that for when I see this guy I just had a great time with - I am not that creative.
| 5 | 13.8 | |
1409301669 | 1409305899 | t3_2ewira | t5_2to41 | 9 | Soycore: TIFU by getting too drunk
Not too long of a story but still extremely annoying.
So last weekend I had a movie date with a girl I like.
I wanted to impress her so I done everything I could without being too obvious to do so.
We were having a drink throughout the night aswell. Without noticing how much I had drank I ended up very, very drunk. She was probably tipsy at most by this point. So we are talking away and I apparently lost control of my words and start complimenting her a bit too much. I then told her I liked her. The ultimate mistake. She has had bad bast relationships so I knew I had to build trust first and I ruined it. I had slept in her bed next to her the week before and this time I got kicked to the couch. Great. I ruined my chances with an amazingly beautiful girl and now I have to have a crappy sleep.
Woke up hundover and depressed.
Fortunately she has been texting me and starting conversations and I've been invited back up to her house again. I hope I haven't completely ruined it.
TasmanianDeveloper: You fucked up by complimenting her? Is that how the rules are to the neo-dating game now? This EARTH... I hope there are some women out there who can take compliments without thrusting us to the couch. I would think that to slap a woman across the face would gain me her trust then?
NEO-EARTH
Soycore: It's the too much part. I can only imagine it made her feel awkward.
TasmanianDeveloper: Stop blaming yourself, if she knew you were drunk, and harmless, she shouldn't feel to be so defensive, and call you creepy in your altered state of mind.
One must learn to harness the awkward moments in a relationship too, all moments are part of the relationship; one does not leave the sphere of a relationship when it is 'awkward'.
Treasure the awkwardness, as it will soon fade with familiarity.
She should 'like' you as a whole.
Soycore: I must admit the last thing I expected in this thread was advice. I expected mockery and people misunderstanding what I meant.
Thank you for the advice good sir!
| 5 | 1.8 | |
1409302831 | 1409307065 | t3_2ewjqw | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by speaking greece
Actually it was my girlfriend who fucked up, but she doesn't use reddit and I have to share this with you.
You should know that our first language is german but we do speak some english english as well.
So we were on vacation in greece. We had a nice hotel, great service, delicious food. We spent most of our time at the pool and in the sun. One evening, it was around 6 o' clock, we decided to go back to our room, take shower and get dressed to go to the restaurant. My girlfriend went into the shower first, while I lay on the bed and tried to beat her Temple Run 2 record (No chance!). Than she comes out, towels herself and puts on her panties, but no bra. While she's still drying her hair I go into the bathroom and start undressing myself to take shower. When suddenly the cleaning lady knocks on the door. You hould know that the staff usually knocks on your door and if you don't answer they come in immediately.
So my gf - still topless - gets a little panicky and to keep her out she shouts "Nee nee nee nee nee" which in german means the same as "Nein nein nein nein nein" which (i think you already know) means "No no no no no" in english.
Little did she know that the pronounciation of the german "Nee" is the same as the pronounciation of the greece "ναι" which means "YES".
So in a very enthousiastic way - thinking that we absolutely want here to come in - this poor, greece cleaning lady walks into our room just to find herself standing in front of my naked girlfriend, who is trying to hide her boobs with one hand and waving the other like a flag during a hurricane.
Both of them blushed to a lobstery red and the cleaning lady hurries back to the door. We never saw her again.
I immediately burst into laughter and I think I broke a rib.
apaatsio: > You should know that our first language is german but we do speak some english english [sic] as well.
For some reason this bothers me. I don't understand why it was relevant to mention that you speak English also. It adds nothing to the story.
CoreFour1996: Yeah, obviously he speaks English, how else would he be writing this?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409303295 | 1409327332 | t3_2ewk5q | t5_2to41 | 399 | domesticatedchicken: TIFU by bringing my mother-in-law to tears.
I am a married guy of almost 40, with 2 young kids. Due to another recent fuck up, I sold our family home without securing our new bigger and better family home, which leads me nicely to why I am living with my wifes mother, at 40, with my entire family.
I've been coping a bit of shit lately from my mother-in-law for not pulling my weight - I do, and I am, but unless I declare how I have helped out around here, it goes un-noticed. There is light at the end of the tunnel, Ive bought our new home and move out in 4 weeks, so why not leave on a good note, right?
Mother-in-law lost a dear friend of hers this week, and today was the funeral. My wife accompanies her to the funeral for support. The kids are at school and I have the place to myself.. time to do all those odd jobs in under three hours.. ready, set, go!
I wont bore you with all the jobs I took care of, but one of them seemed a very satisfying prospect; to smash up an old wardrobe in the garage and get it ready for the council garbage collection. So, I grab some gloves, a hammer and go to town on it.. During the process, I wonder to myself, maybe I can score extra brownie points, this timber seems like it would burn very well and Mother-in-law has a combustion fireplace. I make a nice neat stack next to the fireplace, load some into the fireplace on top of a bunch of newspaper to make for easy lighting. I neatly stack the rest outside in manageable pieces.
I am proud.
Mother-in-law returns home and I greet both her and my wife at the driveway to play the role of supportive son-in-law and talk about her old friend. We get to talking about me for a minute, which is nice, a new leaf and all, its nice to be talked with, rather than talked to. Its the perfect opportunity to make mention of all the work i've done "and I've dismantled the old wardrobe ready for council garbage collection". Her reply; "oh, you didn't need to do all that, I could have helped you with emptying the wardrobe". Heart drops, eyes widen.. "huh?, it was already emp...."
FUCK!
Its that moment I realise what I have done. I have completely and utterly destroyed her family heirloom that has been delivered to her garage only last week. I was supposed to destroy the 'Other' wardrobe, not the one positioned in the middle of the garage in what I assumed was a convenient place to keep a wardrobe ready to be torn apart.
I feel a little cheated having been very specific with her in identifying the 'old' wardobe earlier this morning (to be destroyed).. turns out, My interpretation of 'old' is the one to be destroyed while her idea of 'old' is 'the old wardrobe that has been passed down to her'.
Its very, very awkward tonight.
TL;DR: I smashed my mother in laws heirloom with a hammer and loaded it into the fireplace.
Rcp_43b: If she wasn't being such a bitch about pulling your weight you wouldn't have felt pressured to help and end up "helping" by tearing up the wrong wardrobe.
Deflatermice: If OP can't do this one thing correctly, it's entirely possible he wasn't pulling his weight earlier.
Tazz311: Bro do you even pull weights? But in all seriousness yeah fuck you
Deflatermice: TIFU by assuming somebody who FU was a FU in the past.
| 5 | 79.8 | |
1409305272 | 1409327224 | t3_2ewlri | t5_2to41 | 12 | Frozzenshadows: TIFU by making my parents think I'm a drug addict
This actually happened sometime last year and only hit me now that it could be something to post here.
As context, you guys should know that I work in a newspaper shop and deliver papers for roughly a mile around my town. Although it's a small town which is only perhaps three miles total in the Uk.
It was last November now that I think about it because it was pitch black in the streets when I was delivering.
But I was having a problem. I kept waking up at 2-3am thinking that it was 6am because it was dark either way.
This left me with a hilarious situation of going downstairs getting dressed and getting ready to go deliver some papers. But I would always realise it was 2-3am and just go back to bed...except for one time.
I awoke in utter panic thinking my alarms had gone off. I sprinted downstairs, threw my clothes on, grabbed my paper bag and looked at the clock...it said 2:35...I thought the clock had stopped (we had just gotten a new clock without a second hand)
So I left my house and began speed walking to the newspaper shop. I even thought to myself
> Gee, it sure is quiet around here today.
Imagine I thought it exactly like Link from the CD-i games.
It wasn't until I got to the shop and realised that something was truly wrong here. It was then I finally decided to check my phone and look at the time.
> 2:35
> SHITSHITSHIT.png
I ran home the mile as fast as I possibly could and got in as quietly as possible.
My mother went full on apeshit, screaming at me at the top of her lungs. But the next day was where the worst part happened.
I was demanded to open all kind of messaging service I owned. She searched through my Facebook messages, my email and my texts.
I may or may not have been sexting a girl at 1am and I was meant to be sleeping at 11pm (yes I had a bed time at 15)
It was double the shitstorm but no talk of drugs or a meetup for some drugs. It was a lucky yet unlucky escape. It's been nearly a year and she still doesn't trust me. But it sure was fun to run a mile at nearly 3am
TL;DR Left my house at 3am. Ended up running 1/26th of a marathon in full panic mode.
Edit: Babby's first format
Bob2456: Your mom sounds kinda crazy. Goodluck with that.
Frozzenshadows: That's because she is crazy....incredibly crazy.
One day I'll post more stories about her.
| 3 | 4 | |
1409306408 | 1409393783 | t3_2ewmq3 | t5_2to41 | 369 | hanakinn: TIFU by speaking greek
Actually it was my girlfriend who fucked up, but she doesn't use reddit and I have to share this with you.
So we were on vacation in greece. We had a nice hotel, great service, delicious food. We spent most of our time at the pool and in the sun. One evening, it was around 6 o' clock, we decided to go back to our room, take shower and get dressed to go to the restaurant. My girlfriend went into the shower first, while I lay on the bed and tried to beat her Temple Run 2 record (No chance!). Than she comes out, towels herself and puts on her panties, but no bra. While she's still drying her hair I go into the bathroom and start undressing myself to take shower. When suddenly the cleaning lady knocks on the door. You hould know that the staff usually knocks on your door and if you don't answer they come in immediately.
So my gf - still topless - gets a little panicky and to keep her out she shouts "Nee nee nee nee nee" which in german means the same as "Nein nein nein nein nein" which (i think you already know) means "No no no no no" in english. Little did she know that the pronounciation of the german "Nee" is the same as the pronounciation of the greece "ναι" which means "YES".
So in a very enthousiastic way - thinking that we absolutely want here to come in - this poor, greece cleaning lady walks into our room just to find herself standing in front of my naked girlfriend, who is trying to hide her boobs with one hand and waving the other like a flag during a hurricane. Both of them blushed to a lobstery red and the cleaning lady hurries back to the door. We never saw her again.
I immediately burst into laughter and I think I broke a rib.
(Reuploaded because of very poor english in the title)
dkarlovi: The Greek word for "yes" is **literally** the Croatian word for "no".
A friend who speaks both (a Croat lady) will, while speaking Greek, say it as Greek " yes", but will (involuntarily) shake her head sideways as if saying Croatian "no". It confuses the hell out of the locals.
Bigpinkbackboob: When I went to Bulgaria as a teen, on the coach between the airport and the hotel the guide told us they shake their heads for yes and nod for no. I thought she was messing with us. Two years later we go back, same thing, and I'm thinking "same joke... awesome..."
Turns out it's true. I found that out when I got a throat infection and was trying to answer the doctor's questions without speaking and ended up telling him I had loads of contradicting symptoms instead of none...
Bobbytwocox: I work in IT and some of the Indian folks shake their head in agreement. I was very confused at first.
Can anyone confirm if this is common in India?
nbapat43: Def. Currently living in india. And i have to train people. They constanly shake their head after i explained something. I couldnt tell if they understood, didnt understand, or werd just agreeing so they could get on with there lives. I got so fed up that i told them no more head shaking, answer with either a yes or no verbally.
gophercuresself: Is it more of a standard western (pivot on top of head) head shake or the typical Indian (pivot on back of head) shake/wobble?
nbapat43: The later. That shake doesnt tell you anything except they can hear you speak. They may not even comprehend what you are saying but they can hear you. Sometimes they even give a left to right shake and it confused the hell out of me. I thought they didnt understand anything i said. But it turns out they understood perfectly.
| 7 | 52.714286 | |
1409310481 | 1409341966 | t3_2ewqdr | t5_2to41 | 84 | [deleted]: TIFU by drawing penises on my school test papers.
This happened a few days ago.
I was placed in a new class this year but my habit of drawing penises on my tablemate's or my friends school notes/test papers was still there. My friends in my new class joined in the fun as well and started drawing penises on each others' notes or test papers when given the chance.
So a few days ago we got back our chemistry test papers from our teachers after they had marked it. As i turned my head to talk to my friend beside me, the other friend i had sitting on the other side decided to draw a penis on my chemistry test paper. I didn't even notice that the penis was there. A few minutes later, my chemistry teacher walked over to my class and was looking at our papers to see if we were doing our corrections properly.
She saw the penis on my paper and asked me to see her after class. Apparently, she thought that i was drawing a middle finger and drawing it as a way of pointing a middle finger at her. Being the dick that she is (no pun intended), she didn't listen to my explanation at all and went on to report this case to the teacher in-charge of my grade/level.
He gave me a demerit point and after I told him that it was my friend who did it and ... we both got a demerit point. Note that here in Singapore, having a demerit point in your school life means a black mark on your report card that will stay with you until you graduate and might prevent universities from accepting you if they check your records.
My parents were pretty pissed about this matter and i didn't even know how to explain what happened properly.
tldr: i got a demerit point because i started drawing penises and making my friends join in as well.
mclitch: OP, i dont consider that a fuck up really (im in my 50's).
i think the teacher is just unreasonable as is your education system. i mean giving demerit points for a drawing that she took out of context and with biased implications is just plain wrong and illogical at the same time. And since you're not her age ,thus age discrimination happens because she just would not believe you unless you were older.
LenerDee: I considered it as fuck up because i caused this upon myself by having the habit of drawing penises and making my friends join in as well :/
You're a cool person for your age man, really cool.
Fozanator: I would consider it a major fuck up. You have been messing with people for a while, and the *second* you get a taste of your own medicine you rat out your friend.
I really hope that your future and your friends future are unaffected by this though. It would be so stupid for a drawn penis to have any impact on that.
Pass3Part0uT: I wouldn't call that a rat... It was clearly the only way he thought the teacher would understand and was unlucky that these teachers and his educational system do not understand children.
If the demerit system is the way it's run it's only reasonable to try and save your chance at university by taking about what happened.
That seriously sucks though... I did a few dumb things and most teachers just said don't do it again because they were all 1offs.
| 5 | 16.8 | |
1409310246 | 1409348331 | t3_2ewq5z | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by not checking my book before handing it to my teacher. (NSFW)
using a throwaway for this one.
Admittedly, this fuck up didn't occur today. It happened 2 years ago (when I was 16 and still in high school).
For philosophy class, we had these exercise books to do homework in. Our teacher routinely collected them to grade our homework, write feedback etc.
In this class, I sat next to my 2 very close friends. We always messed around and had fun, but nothing too serious ever happened. What we liked to do was write stuff in each others exercise books, knowing that our teacher would read them. Usually it was something innocent like "LOL" or "ayee".
However on that day, they pushed it to far.
During the lesson, I went to the toilet. I was stupid enough to leave them alone with my book. When I came back, I didn't even check the pages and our teacher collected them all. I fucked up for not checking my book like I ALWAYS have done, and leaving it alone with them.
The following day, I went into class as usual. While everyone else was working on the starter question, my teacher called me to his desk.
Unaware, I approach him. He tells me to pull up a chair. He then takes out my exercise book from the pile and opens it.
So far so good, right? In my mind I was expecting special praise for doing well on my homework.
Negative.
He opens to a double page. In it, and with huge letters is written "I LOVE MR CAMERON'S COCK". (that his name if you haven't noticed)
Seeing those words, I almost collapsed. I never felt so incredibly humiliated. One part of me wanted to laugh, the other wanted to die.
The words were so big they covered both pages.
But he wasn't finished yet..
He opens the next page which reads "69 69 69". Due to the sheer absurdity of what was happening, I shake my head and laugh.
He looks at me and asks "can you explain this?". I calmly reply: "Sir, I didn't write this". He tells me to turn over the page and I do.
It gets even worse.
"i finger myself to ur voice every night <3 "
"LET ME RIDE UR DICK PAPI"
"bang me on ur desk please"
"U IZ SEXY AND SMART"
"lets have rough sex pls"
At this rate, the entire class is silent and watches this unfolding tragedy. He sternly tells them "**Get back to your work, this is none of your business**"
I quickly defend myself and say "Sir, this wasn't me. Why would I write this in my OWN BOOK? It was them " I then point to my 2 friends who are just staring at me from the distance, partly worried and partly laughing.
He's having none of my shit though and coldly tells me "Listen, this is YOUR book and apart from me, no one else should be writing in it". He then gives me a lecture on being mature and "taking responsibility" for my actions. I could NOT stop blushing because it was so wrong and disgusting and weird. Someone thought it was funny to say "HAHAH WHY IS SHE BLUSHING!". jesus.
I try to stand up myself but he shuts me down every single time. It almost turns into a full blown argument (I was mad for being blamed for something I didn't do) when he tells me "I hope you understand how inappropriate this is. I expected better from you". I was extremely worried he would tell the principal but he didn't.
Humiliated and defeated, I returned back to my seat. He called up my friends and gave them a lecture also.
We all ended up with month of detention. I wasn't entirely mad at my friends as we all did some fucked up shit to each other in the past. However from that day on, I felt very uncomfortable around my teacher. Up until the day I left high school, there was this extremely weird tension between us.
Sometimes I remember this incident and cringe. I'm just glad the principal didn't find out, he would definitely tell my parents....I can't even imagine.
**TL;DR: Friends write NSFW messages in my book, teacher collects them. He calls me up during the lesson and asks me to explain why I wrote stuff like "I love your cock" in my book. He gives me a long lecture and my friends and I end up having detention for a month. He probably thought I have a crush on him which makes it even more awkward because I didn't. Just glad he kept it between us.**
(And if it wasn't clear, I'm a girl.)
TOKEN616: Philosophy is offered as a high school class?
throwawayaccant: I'm not american so yes :P
paulerbear: I'm an American and my public high school had a philosophy class...
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1409311433 | 1409319361 | t3_2ewrdc | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by making my S.O orgasm for the first time
Sorry for my bad English, French is my first language
So, like most TIFU post's this happened quite a bit ago. Seven months ago to be exact. So for the record I live in Canada and legal age of Consent here is 16. So here's the story. I'm in bed with my high school crush who is quite a bit older than I. We've had sex countless times in our relationship and I find it really hard to finish and only do it 10% of the time, for her it's even worse. She is one of those girls that just can't cum. She's been sexually active for a lot longer than I and has just never came. So this night was THE night. We had just finished watching a horror film. And I being the horny teenage boy I am begin to initiate and she accepts. We start out in missionary with some lights thrusts, I have to be careful not to hurt her because we don't use lube and My gentlemen's sausage is pretty big compared to her Honey Pot. around eight minutes into the frick fracking and gradual increase in speed and hardness. She moans harder and I can see her legs quivering. "Yes!" I think to myself she is enjoying it. I really start to go for ham, deep hard thrusts from the entrance to the back, Her moans are music to my ears she finally starts screaming/yelling 20 minutes into it. "I'm going to cum!" she yells. 10-15 seconds later and she slams both her hands down on the futon and screams as she collapses her legs on my upper torso as hard as she can as she thrusts her hips up. I'm immediately winded and almost crying. I would have been crying if I could grab a breath of air. I'm pretty much instantly flaccid. She finally comes(see what I did there?) to her senses and realises I am in pain, obvious observation considering I'm holding myself with tears coming from eyes and down my cheeks in the fetal position. She asks me if I am ok. I tell her it's hard to breath and it hurts every time I try. Being the Student Nurse she is she suggested I go to the hospital and get treatment for a possible broken rib. I hate going to the hospital because it's usually a 3-4 hour wait to get anything done. (at least I don't pay out of pocket, hey?) So here we are in the hospital waiting for a doctor. She of course being a student nurse works at this hospital. (there's only one for a city of 120,000 people) her co-workers notice her. A post sex girl wearing pajamas and her obviously injured boyfriend. Talk about awkward. Spent the night in the ER getting as much treatment as I can for a broken rib. I still spend the next month and a half dealing with the pain that comes with a broken rib. Makes for a funny story at least?
TL;DR : Got my girlfriend to orgasm for the first time, resulted in a broken rib and a night in the ER
nickdarius: Sorry, calling BS on this whole story.
First off, you don't write like a French-Canadian who has to apologize for his English, so BS there.
Secondly, ER wait times in Canada, specifically the french speaking part of Canada are 2-3X longer than what you claim, so big BS there.
Lastly, there is NO teenage boy in existence that would only be able "finish" 10% of the time with his college aged girlfriend. Sorry not buying.
MrTemporary96: I know the wait times are very long in Canada. But this was a Tuesday night at around 11:30 when I was admitted. It wasn't very busy at all
and say what you want about me not being a french Canadian.
And lastly I have a condition that doesn't allow me cum very easy
It's called retarded ejaculation( look it up Mr detective) nobody can make me cum
So shuttup and enjoy my story
nickdarius: Proof or BS...
Assumpcao: Do you want OP to sleep with your mom and she can tell you how long he lasted?
nickdarius: That'll work.
| 6 | 3 | |
1409319166 | 1409321392 | t3_2ex0le | t5_2to41 | 23 | iwearcowhats: Tifu: got set on fire [NSFW]
TIFU a few months ago but whatever posting now. So currently in college and had a friend over to day drink. Let me explain this friend, he is not the normal type of guy someone hangs out with, he's the type with a wife beater tanline who comes outside in boxers when you pick him up. Anyways, we get to drinking and after an hour or two he tells me that he bought everclear and i mention how i heard it is flammable. So there we are at 11am on a Sunday lighting the sidewalk on fire and giggling since it's so fun. Until the pain sets in. Everclear burns so hot that the flames aren't visible so he must've accidentally splashed me while refueling the sidewalk and i was on fire for several seconds until i noticed. Saved my beer, tried to drop and roll. Flame is still going. I press my shin against a snow bank to put it out. Flame is still going. At this point i begin to panic and undo my belt all whilst hopping and shaking my leg of which the skin is melting at this point. Ended up finally taking my pants off and jumped back into the snow and flame dies. Now i have a permanent scar and what i think is a great conversation starter.
TL; DR played with fire, got burned
iwearcowhats: Still figuring out reddit mobile, here's the link i meant to attach www.imgur.com/IRO1nXE
opivy6989: Link's broken
iwearcowhats: http://imgur.com/VAIwkev
Does this one work? If not then frustration has reached critical levels
SuperMajinRobo: op delivered!!!
| 5 | 4.6 |
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