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1411863276 | 1411967674 | t3_2hnpey | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ipeedthebed: TIFU by peeing all over my macbook pro
So I got pretty drunk last night, like as drunk as I've ever been in my life. After a night in the town with some friends I woke up in bed with my laptop and everything was covered in pee. I must have passed out. The computer is fried. I'm such a moron.
Pie_Flavoured_Pie: Your real fuck up is spending so much for a Facebook machine. Look at the bright side OP, now you can go back to using Windows which is a lot better and cheaper.
For those too lazy to read>
tl;dr: OP was the owner of a Macbook pro.
TheBigCon4800: i use windows and i think that is irrelevant.
Pie_Flavoured_Pie: u wot m8?
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411967471 | 1412008935 | t3_2hridc | t5_2to41 | 12 | gratefulstringcheese: TIFU by standing up a first date, making her wait, drunk and crying in the pouring rain.
This happened a few weeks ago. I matched up with this cute girl on Tinder; let's call her Mary. We messaged back and forth for a few days. It turns out we have similar music taste, and she moved to the town where I live to attend grad school about a week before, so she didn't really have any friends here yet.
I went to the college football game, which of course included tailgating and drinking, and from there I went to a concert downtown. More drinking, and my phone was close to dying. She was out with her classmates in a different area of downtown, and drunk me had the bright idea to invite her to come over and smoke when we were both done with our nights. Shockingly, she agreed! Great news.
My phone died before the show ended, but that's ok; I told her I'd contact her from another phone. When 2am rolled around, I gave Mary a call from my brother's phone. I would be outside the bar she was leaving within 10 minutes, and she was going to wait outside for me.
I left the venue to learn that it was pouring rain out. I grabbed a pedicab to get to the part of downtown where she was (which cost me $18). Then, I arrived at the bar we agreed upon.
Mind you, I'm pretty drunk and I've only seen Tinder photos of this girl. I walked to the front of the bar and immediately talked to Mary as she was leaving the bar. Mary said, "Who are you? Why are you talking to me?" I explained that I was gratefulstringcheese from Tinder, and she walked away, acting like I was some creeper, and got into a car with friends.
At this point, I was pretty pissed that Mary would do that to me, tell me she wants to go home with me and then make it seem like I'm some weirdo when I see her. I started walking in the direction of home while holding my thumb out for a cab, which is near impossible to find at this time on a rainy game day Saturday night. Eventually I found one, which was $23, more expensive than it would have been if I wasn't already on the wrong side of downtown because I had tried to meet up with Mary.
I got home and turned my phone on and quickly angrily texted Mary, "that was so not cool of you."
She texted back "what are you talking about? I waited in the rain for you for half an hour." I walked up to the wrong girl. We talked on the phone, and Mary was crying. She was ready to go home and smoke with me, and I never showed up. Apparently she called my brother 5 times looking for me. I'm an asshole. Whoooops.
TL;DR: I had a late night Tinder meet up and a dead phone. I walked up to the wrong girl, got rejected and went home. The right girl was waiting for me, drunk and crying in the rain for half an hour.
zebragoat: Just call her up and be like wow that was crazy, sorry for my mixup. Then move on, if she doesn't bring it up again you're golden, if she does drop her like a hot potato. Also, Austin?
gratefulstringcheese: What makes you think Austin? 😉
zebragoat: Just the pedicab thing, and I'm getting big psychic images of Guadalupe
| 4 | 3 | |
1411747627 | 1412294890 | t3_2hjdqg | t5_2to41 | 875 | kfbr392kfbr392: TIFU - by accidentally verbally sexually harassing my boss.
This just happened. My female boss was drinking a glass of water at the morning department meeting and went in to a coughing fit. When she gained her composure, she apologized by saying, "Sorry, I swallowed wrong". I immediately replied, "Maybe you need more practice." She turned red, I turned red, crickets chirping as everyone sat stunned. Great start to the day.
hobo_erotic: There really isn't anything wrong with what you said unless you interpret it as being sexual (which I am assuming it wasn't).
I read it as a, "Guy trips on something, and someone says "Walk much?""" type of situation.
Of course, you should not speak to your boss in that way anyways, but not nearly as bad as a sexual innuendo.
TerminusEst86: Yeah. Unless he used a 'suggestive' tone or something, I'd probably not even see the innuendo if someone said that to me in that situation.
jdub_06: it doesnt have to have that tone...this is feminist murica, glancing wrong is sexual harassment if you happen to be male. Its our privilage
Kenny__Loggins: Feminist murica seems pretty oxymoronic
jdub_06: not really...murica generalized means how stupid we are as a society... hard core feminists are just as capable of having their own version of the murican attitude. its every bit as bad as the right. for example...the feminists who think we need to attack isis mainly because of how those people treat their women... most i've talked to like this are also against our women being on the front lines in wars... so in other words they think that defending gender equality is sending only our men into risky situations for the benefit of another countries women... lovely how that is supposed to be equal.... or how they totaly fail to see that no one has ever had luck changing the middle east and ISIS is just the new front man to justify our oil mongering. which has pros and cons but the pych job they use to get the rest of us to support it is just insane.
Kenny__Loggins: So your taking the views of a few feminists who wouldn't even fit the true definition of feminist and claiming that there is a "feminist murica"?
jdub_06: there is no true deffinition of feminist just as there is no true definition of american... if either a feminist or a 'murican' makes the media u can bet its a characterchure of what either started as
'
Kenny__Loggins: ... yes, there are true definitions of those things.
jdub_06: there are true definitions of universal concepts... like math / gravity... but when speaking of social concepts that have been adopted, changed and worked by several 1000s/millions of people and organizations there is no one true definition as to what that idea is because in practice as it has changed a bit with everyone who has adopted it.
Kenny__Loggins: The very definition of feminism is the belief that women should have equal rights. Your example of a "feminist" who believes women shouldn't be allowed in the military doesn't involve an actual feminist. They might think they are one, but they don't even fit the most vague definition of one.
jdub_06: did you comprehend a word i said in the reply before? by the way there have been at least 3 incarnations of what feminism is if you go by their own definitions...look up "feminism waves".
but again my key point here is with human created idea/isms/concepts there is rarely if ever a universally true definition of what they are... perspective is the key.
for example... the kkk would say they fight for the equality of the white race.
it seems you think that there is a true definition but the ones that make errors in promoting equality arnt true followers... i think this concept is flawed when applied to feminism.
i tend to favor the argument that no movement that stands for only one side can truly stand for equality.
Kenny__Loggins: I don't see what that last sentence has to do with the entire rest of your comment, but feminism doesn't stand for only one side. If you want to go with this "whatever is commonly used" approach, every feminist I've ever talked to has been primarily concerned with equality.
To the rest of your comment: yeah, it's pretty simple. No feminist from the current time would ever argue that women shouldn't have access to the same jobs as men if they can physically do them. You can call yourself a frog all you want but that doesn't make you one. There is a little sway with how people fit into big movements sometimes, but there is a threshold that can be crossed that excludes you from the group.
| 13 | 67.307692 | |
1409533256 | 1409614594 | t3_2f4npg | t5_2to41 | 23 | jeannaesteves: TIFU by looking like a racist asshole.
I was at Universal Studios with my family. You know those sidewalk thingies, the ones that move so you don't have to walk? We were standing on that, moving along and being lazy because it was way too hot to actually be walking when the sidewalk was offering to do the walking for us! Anyway, we (my sisters, parents and I) were standing behind a family talking loudly in Spanish. My sister had been talking gibberish all day; my sisters and I get really goofy when we're all together and we talk in made up languages and laugh until we cry.
So, my sister was talking nonsense, just made up words, and I was yelling at her, pretending to be mad about it. The family in front of us was talking louder than her and I don't think they even knew we were there.
Anyway, I shouted at her, pretending to snap under the pressure of her incessant annoyingness. I shouted, "You know, we usually speak ENGLISH here!"
Suddenly there was dead silence in front of us. I froze. My sister froze. And the father of the family turned around and gave me the worst death glare I have ever seen in my life. Realizing what I just did, I immediately started stammering eloquent things like, "Oh, no, wait, I didn't mean...no, I...seriously, um..."
But the damage was done. The family didn't say anything but the father turned around and my sister was looking at me like I was the worst, dumbest person in the world but she thought it was hilarious.
I felt horrible about it for the rest of the day. I'm so sorry for offending you, Spanish family. You can speak whatever language you want and I am an idiot.
Lqnc: Can anyone come up with a way where this could have been played off smoothly?
Because I can't.
shit-I-justfuckedup: I can. "What? We usually speak English in this country." Just stick with what you've said, and everything will be fine... after you get kicked out the park.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1411761398 | 1411811177 | t3_2hk2ck | t5_2to41 | 4,497 | PolarBear89: TIFU By almost cutting my penis off
Last December I was stationed in Japan with the Navy, and I rode my bike to work every day, about 4 miles one way. One day while riding home I noticed my brakes were loose. I thought to myself "boy, that's going to cause an accident one of these days!" Upon getting home I tightened then up and tested them. They worked great!
The next morning I have to go in early because I have the first watch, so I am grumpy and sleepy. A few minutes into my ride, at the bottom of a hill, I get a phone call. Being grumpy, sleepy, going fast, and having forgotten that my brakes are now responsive, I slam on both brakes. The bike stops, I keep going. I lost my grip on one hand, turning the handlebars 90 degrees, and the handlebars stab into my hips, and I fall to the ground cursing. I miss the call, but they call back right away, so it must be important. It wasn't. The person calling just wanted to tell me I had the first watch.
I get back onto my bike and ride the rest of the way slowly, because it feels like I just got punched in the gut. I get to the ship and go to change into my uniform. When I take my sweat pants off I see that my underpants are red. Which is odd because they were grey when I put them on. I look at myself to see a 3 inch gash over the base of my penis. The handlebars hit so hard it ripped my skin open. 2-4 inches lower would have castrated me.
I put my pants back on and go down to medical. It was a larger ship, so it had a sizeable medical staff. I am a bit freaked out by the time I get there, but being early, people are just getting to work. The first person I find is a half asleep Chief Petty Officer with coffee in his hand. How do I explain what happened?
(Me, shakily) "Uhh, chief, I got in a bike wreak...uh...and I got cut..."
"...what?"
(I pull my pants down in front, exposing blood soaked boxers) "I'M CUT BAD CHIEF, I NEED HELP!"
(Cheif blinks twice, wakes up) "Ok, go lie down and I'll have a look"
Many people proceed to look at my penis, they send me to the base clinic, and the clinic sends me to the hospital in town. Now this is a Japanese hospital, so they send me with a female translator. I explain I had a bike accident and that I am cut down there. She explains to the doctor. Many Japanese people proceed to look at my penis.
I regretfully did not take a picture of the open wound, but I did get a picture of the stitches. [NSFW, obviously.]( http://imgur.com/FX4pvHm)
By the time I got back to the ship everyone knew that I had some sort of dick related accident. I was sitting in my workshop and my friend walks in and unfolds a napkin to reveal a catchup covered breakfast sausage and says "Here, I picked this up off the road this morning."
tl;dr: Had a bike accident, almost castrated myself.
BigBobsBootyBarn: *"I'M CUT BAD CHIEF, I NEED HELP!"*
That and the amount of people that proceed to examine your penis are the two funniest parts of the story.
At first I thought this might be a fake, but good show with the stitch pic. That seriously looks like you would've lost your penis if it was a little lower. So um, even though people are saying this is a repost, I still upvoted in good faith and for almost losing your wang.
Omnipotence456: The one time I cut myself bad enough to need stitches I ran to the nearest person and yelled "I'M ACTUALLY NOT OK PLEASE HELP" so I think this is a typical reaction.
Strixxi: It's almost like a little victory to be able to answer "no" when someone asks "are you okay?"
Dabee625: Are you okay?
MellowSnow: No
heiferly: :-( Something that can be done to cheer you up, or make you ok?
Birds_Will_Eat_It: Thats a great response! When people usually tell me they aren't okay I say "oh well", then I secretly hope they stop talking.
heiferly: I have a lot of "not ok" that happens in my life and in my friends' lives, so I'm more accustomed to not ok than the opposite.
Birds_Will_Eat_It: Sounds exciting, I am getting so bored of being okay all the time.
heiferly: Have a rare disease! I have a couple to spare!
On a more serious note, ok is good. You should be grateful for ok. But I know the perils of boredom! After my first two years on disability, and in and out of hospitals, I couldn't stand to watch daytime television anymore. There was literally nothing left worth watching, even on my DVR ... at least not that I didn't want to save to watch with someone. Somewhere around 5-6 years in, I got rid of cable entirely. At 6-7 years, I tossed my TV set and only watched Hulu/Netflix on my computer if at all. Sitting in bed for year after year can get really really really boring. What do you do for fun?
| 11 | 408.818182 | |
1409530095 | 1409537084 | t3_2f4izf | t5_2to41 | 15 | AtomicArchitecht: TIFU by making delicious curry.
So here I am, an aspiring home chef with a passion for international cooking. Today I decided to take on the challenge of Indian food, a feat I have never attempted before due to the complexity of the flavors required, and fear that I'd never be able to attain the perfect blend of savory and spicy. But today I was brave. I said fuck it. Today is the fucking day.
I go on to make the curry. The pleasant aroma wafting toward my nose assured me that I had done something right. Then I make the decision that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I wanted to make this thing spicy. I went to my cupboard and grabbed my bag of dried red chili peppers. Yes red chili, the delicious line between spice and flavor, not too hot, and just flavorful enough to give it a reason to be used. This was the perfect spice. I grab a handful of those fuckers and start deseeding them. The seeds are the bane of all peppers. They hold most of the spice, and give no flavor. I mercilessly purged the seeds from those peppers like reddit is purging sperm from their balls over these J-law pics. The peppers are delicately placed into the curry to simmer and give it that beautiful spice that I love.
So now here I am curry simmering away for the next few hours, but I'm hungry now, so I grab a giant bowl of watermelon to eat in the cave I call my room while I wait. As I huddle over my delicious, sweet watermelon, using a fork to pick up the cubes I had sliced meticulously, I thought god damn. What a great fucking melon, and then it happened as I inserted my fork into what I think was a deep red (colorblind) piece of melon, a small jet of water went into my eye. You probably thought I ate the pepper. No this was worse. I proceed to rub my eye. Then it hits me. The burning pain in my eye equivalent to shitting broken glass. I can feel my cornea frying with the minimal strength of the capsaicin from the mild pepper I loved so dearly. I run, tears streaming from my face to the bathroom, and shove my face under the faucet. I can only compare the relief I felt from that water to the likes of cumming.
Tldr; Tried to make curry, forgot to wash hands, my eye burns with the strength of a thousand suns.
tb01110100: http://i.imgur.com/MIj6o.gif
On a more serious note, big props for trying to make Indian food. Love me some saag paneer.
AtomicArchitecht: It tastes pretty good, and I'm still simmering it because I want to thicken the sauce but man is it tough. It's weird because what you taste while making the sauce isn't what it will end up tasting like.
| 3 | 5 | |
1411902173 | 1411979752 | t3_2hotsz | t5_2to41 | 250 | austin_ave: TIFU by walking home alone
Ok, so I'm a student in college and I live about a mile away from downtown, where all the bars are. I usually don't like going downtown, but our football team won today so I decided, hell, why not. A group of myself and 7 friends walk downtown at about 11:30 and have a great time and start to walk back home around 2, when the bars close. On the way back we were much more dunk than on the way there so naturally we split up into smaller groups while walking back to our house. I always feel like I should be the one to make sure no one does anything really stupid, so I took it upon myself to get halfway between the two separate groups to keep and eye on both of them. I was probably 100 or so feet behind the front group, and 100 or so feet in front of the back group. We're about 2 minutes away from the house when I take the turn into the road that our house is on. As I get around the corner I see a group of 4 guys leaning against a car talking to each other. I was slightly suspicious, but wasn't too worried about them because people hang out outside of this house all the time. As I start to walk past the car I hear a voice from the other side of me say, "Hey dude, what's goin on?" I responded with a quick, "Not much man, just walking home." Its at this point that turn my head and see that he and 3 people behind him are walking straight up to me. The guy that was talking to me had his hood up and a bandana covering his face. Right when my face meets his he pulls out a gun and aims it straight at me. I immediately put my hands up and said, "Whoa whoa, I'll do whatever you want, please don't shoot me." He told me to turn around and empty my pockets. As I take everything out of my pockets he walks up behind me and presses the gun against the back of my head. At this point I was convinced that he was going to shoot me after they got everything from me. I took out everything I had on me and laid it out the ground. They took my wallet and phone but left me my keys. After a couple guys picked up my stuff they ran to the car that I was suspicious about, finally the guy took the gun off my head, hopped in and started to drive away but I didn't move a muscle and just kept my hands in the air. But here's the good part, before they turned off the street I was on I turned around and got their license plate and what type of cars they were driving. When they were fully around the corner and out of sight I turned and sprinted down the hill to my house, grabbed my friends phone and called 911. They were at my house within the minute, we have lots of police on and around campus. I described what happened, what the cars looked like, the tag, and everything else the officer asked me. The police officer was relaying the information I was giving him into his radio to other officers looking for the people who held me up and in about 15 minutes they CAUGHT the mother fuckers, all 8 of them. They told me that they had several phones in the car and that they would be able to give mine back in a few days if it was in there. The police told me that they think they recovered all of my cards that were in my wallet, but they wanted to pull finger prints off of them so they needed to keep them for a day. The officers were incredible nice and understanding and effective, obviously. I'm still shaking 3 hours later and I'm honestly only writing this because I'm too paranoid to sleep. I don't really know if it is going to affect me much, I honestly still can't believe it happened. So the lesson is take a cab if you can, and if you can't, walk with a group of several people or risk getting robbed at gun point.
TL;DR - Was walking home alone from downtown bars. Was robbed at gunpoint. Got their plate number. Police caught them within 20 minutes. Will probably be getting everything back that was stolen from me. Don't walk home alone.
LoveAndPsychedelia: How did it go from four people to eight people?
Achleys: ~~I bet you're one of those assholes that asks women who admit to being raped what they were wearing.~~
~~EDIT: I mean, really though. OP gets robbed, thinks he's going to die, and this guy's ONLY comment is to call out OP for possibly lying? You're heartless, reddit.~~
My comment was completely inappropriate and uncalled for. /u/loveandpsychedelia, I sincerely apologize.
nomnom_69: Holy shit, talk about making accusatory assumptions...
Achleys: You're absolutely right. That was extreme. I'm just so sick of seeing people on reddit completely and utterly forget that they're talking to actual human beings. OP got robbed and thought he was going to lose his life - and then assholes come in either blaming OP for these sorts of shitty things or trying to mask their intellectual insecurity with comments like this guy that are nothing more than "ha, random person on the internet, I didn't believe your lie!" It just got to me more today than it usually does.
nomnom_69: "How did it go from four people to eight people?"
=/=
"ha, random person on the internet, I didn't believe your lie!"
Kind of sad that someone who's in lawschool has the reading comprehension of a goldfish.
Achleys: I'm not in law school, actually. The irony of claiming I'm the one suffering from poor reading comprehension skills is just delicious, isn't it?
Moreover, you're grossly inadequate understanding of basic human psychology makes you're previous comment even more embarrassing for you. Notice how even after I accused him of lying, his response was "he already clarified it for me." Not a denial of the fact that he lied, which is what 99% of people would have done, but some other comment entirely that, if you read our conversation over again, doesn't actually make sense. I give him credit for his silent admission and am therefore leaving it alone.
Please, though, what other beautiful inept things do you have to add?
nomnom_69: A two second glance at your profile easily implies that you were or currently are in law school.
Secondly, your accusations of him lying are even more embarrassing for you when his response to OP's answer was "Okay, I understand now. Thanks for clarification." This easily implies that /u/LoveAndPsychedelia was not rape-blaming anyone, but in fact just asking a mere question. But leave it to you to begin jumping to the inaccurate conclusions and assumptions.
Please, though, what other pathetic assumptions can you make about people?
Achleys: . . . no, actually. And it's disturbing that you think an appropriate response to "I was afraid I was going to die" is "how did 4 people turn into 8?" He's *clearly* trying to suss out a lie. It's rather basic, to be honest.
nomnom_69: Now I think this is clever bait. Or just really dumb. Reread this part of the story:
"As I get around the corner I see a group of 4 guys leaning against a car talking to each other. I was slightly suspicious, but wasn't too worried about them because people hang out outside of this house all the time. As I start to walk past the car I hear a voice from the other side of me say, "Hey dude, what's goin on?" I responded with a quick, "Not much man, just walking home." Its at this point that turn my head and see that he and 3 people behind him are walking straight up to me."
It was easy for /u/loveandpsychedelia to misread this, but you had to go ahead and blame him for rape-blaming. Nice one.
Achleys: I can't believe I have to say this again (third time now?), so try to keep up because I won't repeat it:
I'm not saying that wondering how four guys turned into eight isn't a perfectly legitimate thought to have. In fact, I wondered it myself for a second. That's not my point. My point is that a human being states that he's scared for his life and truly believed that he was going to get killed. A truly terrifying and traumatic event. And loveandosychedelia's one and only response is to call him out for a mistaken factual discrepancy. And made it look like he was trying to suss out a lie. Which is an *insanely* shitty thing to do.
I don't know how to make this any clearer for you.
| 11 | 22.727273 | |
1411879105 | 1416127529 | t3_2hoabv | t5_2to41 | 40 | Deluxebigmak: TIFU By accidentally attacking my own mother
So this is a long story, with some background required, but I'll do my best telling a slightly funny, and kinda creepy thing that happened this afternoon.
I came home, happily off of work (in uniform as well), I grab my back pack from the car and sling my green hoodie over my shoulders and walk into the house. As soon as I entered my sister calls asking if I'd like anything from the Grocery store, to which I replied no. She asks, "Does mom want anything?", I tell her I'll find out and head upstairs to her room to ask. I enter the room and she's not there so I tell my sister i don't know where she is. She says, "Well call me when you find her." I look further into the room, and nothing. I check some of the upstairs rooms and still find nothing. At this point I'm wondering if she's even home, I mean i thought I saw her car outside. I check out the window from my room and see my moms car sitting there, this is the point where i began to think this was a bit strange, my mom isn't one to take random walks outside and I'm beginning to suspect (another long story) that she may have fallen again and banged her head.
I head downstairs and look around some of the rooms, I found a couple doors that wouldn't normally be locked, locked. I manage to open and check them, expecting the worst around each corner. Yet again I don't find her anywhere.... I check out the back door where i find our dogs are out there doing their business. This is only relevant because these dogs always wait at the door when they are done (and it only takes them a few minutes to run back and stare through the door), so my mom was definitly out recently, but where was she....
Due to events over the past month of seeing some stranger walking around our neighborhood at night, i begin to suspect the possibility of someone in the house, and although a bit of stretch, possibly keeping my mom quiet as i wander around the house. Having searched everywhere else I look towards the basement, but before i do i formulate a plan. I leave the back door open, to which a basement door opens near, I plan to loudly head down the basement, then listen for someone to come in said back door. I put this plan into action, and sure enough i heard someone upstairs!! At this point, i think someone is legitimately in the house, and i need to prepare for an attack, so as quietly as i can i try to match their footsteps to my own on the basement stairs, from the stairs landing, each step i take i hear their footstep.
one step, I hear footsteps from the backdoor through the kitchen, another i hear them head near the basement door, another, they are right at the door, and I'm about there to...
I hear the hand touch the doorknob, so i lean my shoulder in preparing to use all my weight and slam into them.
I see the doorknob turn, i full force run. The door swings open showing my mom (with a bat) who yells get the fuck up hear!!! as we collide, she gets thrown into the nearby wall as i came barreling through the opened door. It was right as the door opened that I realized.... Today, I fucked up.
TLDR: Thought there was an intruder, accidentally charged my mother, ended up hurting her.
EXTRAS:
My mom is ok, and we had a good laugh about the situation.
For anyone Interested in the rest of the story, It turns out my mom let the dogs out the back, where they barked their head off, when she looked outside she saw someone in a green shirt (thinking it was my green hoodie) and a backpack. She went out the back to find out (what she thought was me) what i was doing, but lost them on the side of the house. Starting to Think it wasnt me and that they may have slipped inside, she went back around the house (where i had left the back door open with my plan ) and had heard loud footsteps coming from the basement. This is the point she grabbed a bat and moved near the the basement door.
FYI: We don't know who was outside, comparing our stories (and with past events) we are certain someone may be living in our woods.
mysteryshit: Im intrested in whos living in your woods
Deluxebigmak: Assuming that is the case, me too. I have my windows open at night, and now every twig snap i hear, i can't help but think someone is wandering around just outside
YouAreWrongThisIsWhy: This post is scarier than most of the posts on /r/nosleep. That's not saying much considering /r/nosleep is a steaming pile of shit, but nonetheless, nice post.
ProblemPie: Hey.
Fuck you.
YouAreWrongThisIsWhy: Fuck you back.
| 6 | 6.666667 | |
1409537523 | 1409542107 | t3_2f4twr | t5_2to41 | 75 | TIFUusbdrive: TIFU by letting my friend borrow my USB
Using a throwaway. Also going to mention that this happened a few months ago. A friend needed to borrow my flash drive to save a couple of files that he was working on.
He was doing a project for his psychology class which involved research on John Wayne Gacy, or better known as Pogo the Killer Clown. Out of shits and giggles, he names all of the files and projects "penis" or something of the sort. So he transferred the files onto my USB titled "penis" and "rapist clown", thinking that he would delete the files immediately after. Unfortunately he forgot and handed me my USB back with all the files still remaining.
Later in the day I'm going over some files on the USB with my professor for a separate project. I click the folder and a long list of files named "penis" and "rapist clown" etc. are on the screen.
We both stared at it for a good 5 seconds before I pulled the USB out and got the hell out of the classroom.
I don't think the professor looked at me the same way ever again.
Guitarknowitall: [Reminds me of this](http://imgur.com/iWzJgka)
Waynezism: Can Big Booty Hoes be confined to a single folder? Is there one for smaller girls? Bit Booty Hoes?
Firesquid: Itty-bitty booty hoes?
| 4 | 18.75 | |
1411961065 | 1411973698 | t3_2hr9cf | t5_2to41 | 10 | jarejay: TIFU by hitting a deer with my car
This happened around 1 AM last night, so I guess technically it was still today. My four friends and I were on our way home from a night of pool at a hall a couple of towns over. No one had been drinking at all (we're all 17-19), but we were all in a pretty good mood. Instead of taking the 4-lane highway that runs from the place to my house, we decided to take the slightly shorter, 2-lane, unlit highway back (*FU#1*). Now, this road in particular is known to be the area's drag racing strip, so I had my eyes peeled for headlights; I was not in any mood to crash my car that night. About halfway home, brights on, cruising at 60-65 mph (*FU#1.5*), I spot a deer on the right shoulder, about 3-4 feet from my lane. I slowed down, but only enough to try and react if it decided to go full retard, and veered just a bit over the lane divider to give it space. Just as my I was about to pass it by, the fucker goes full retard, running headlong towards the grill of my car, so I swerve left to try and avoid it (*FU#2*). The deer hits my car dead center (like, aesthetically centered) and flies off the road, lifeless. As I'm seeing this, the whole car begins to flip. Before I know what's even going on, all five of us are hanging from our seatbelts yelling and frantically trying to unclip. We crawl out of the car, all five unharmed (my only not fuck-up was driving a Highlander). My car had careened, tipped, and flipped into a 10-12 foot ditch. Totaled. The deer was mangled and completely, very, very dead. Hey, natural selection at work. Fuck deer.
TL;DR: Deer darted in front of my car, sent me rolling into a ditch, and ended up totaling my car. Fuck deer.
STL;DR: Fuck deer.
bowmaster17: Free venison
OutOfMoneyError: Health +10, Stamina +10
bowmaster17: Explosive diarrhea +20
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1409527259 | 1409564222 | t3_2f4eyl | t5_2to41 | 3 | NoobGoneWild: TIFU by jumping in the campus swimming pool
While this happened to a friend of mine (let's call him Smith) I was there at the moment of the FU so without further due.
At our university, Seniors organize some ice breaking games for us Freshmen sort of to make our integration easier, so we had pool games at the university's swimming pool where we played some water polo.
After the games were finished some guys and girls stayed by the pool and Smith (maybe) decides to impress everyone as he jumps into the water, 4 minutes later, Smith starts cursing, the iphone 5s he bought 3 days ago, well... you guessed it.
Being the freshman he is, he starts freaking out, both worried about his dad's wrath and wretched for losing a brand new phone, we gather up around the poor soul trying every trick in the book to fix the soaking wet phone.
After multiple failed attempts Smith runs his hands into his pocket, see in our University we use a cash wallet, sort of prepaid credit card that only works on campus and is considered your ID, well that card was in the other pocket.
Poor soul couldn't take it anymore, he runs to his dorm room and... well let's say we haven't heard of him for the past couple of days.
TL;DR: Guy jumps into swimming pool damaging a newly bought iphone and a student ID card.
Hego_Damask: The story was bland but the fuck up was real.
NoobGoneWild: Sorry, very first post on TIFU and possibly 3rd post ever on reddit
| 3 | 1 | |
1411963736 | 1412001152 | t3_2hrdfr | t5_2to41 | 26 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing League of Legends
I stepped on a Teemo shroom and said "Damn, this is like Vietnam!" when playing with a Vietnamese friend.
vo0d0ochild: Teemo is worse than Vietnam
ps: sounds like your friend is too sensitive.
lord_sherlock_holmes: where did OP say Vietnamese friend was upset? Maybe OP just felt bad even though it didn't upset his friend.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1411963855 | 1411971571 | t3_2hrdml | t5_2to41 | 5 | scrubius: TIFU by cooking.
So I don't really cook as much as I should and decided that I would surprise the family last night and cook them a meal.
I decide I'll do a stir-fry, and go and get all the ingredients. So far so good. I get home, lay them all out nicely and get started. Adding in the meat and the vegetables... and then all hell breaks lose. Now at this stage, there is meat and vegetables cooking at the same time, I'm required to stand up whilst stir them, breath in and out...that's a lot to handle for a man. I go for the kill and make a start cutting up chili to add in...easy...cut and added. Boom. I'm the freaking Master Chef! Keep stirring...ah...eye is itchy...go in for the scratch.
You see where this is going.....It was as if the Gates of Hell decided to open right on my face. Swearing at the world and all Gods, I rush into the bathroom and turn on the tap shove my face under the tap and just start blinking. I wear contacts, and for those of you who do, if they get wet they can slide into the back of your eye and it's a complete pain in the ass. Which is exactly what happened to me. So I've got this fire burning through my face like I'm Cyclops from X-Men, and I'm reaching further back trying to get my contact out...at some point in all of this I got a finger close to my other eye and now I'm completely blind. I finally manage to get the contacts out and turn the taps on filling the sink with water and just blink under the water. Come up for air. And repeat. About 20-30 minutes later I was seeing, but my eyes had puffed up, at this point I had completely forgot about cooking, go back into the kitchen and find that the food is burnt. Family comes home sees the Post-Apocalypse that is my face. Last time I'm doing that.
**TL;DR - Cooked with chili, rubbed my eye, spent half an hour trying to see properly and then burnt dinner**
breath_of_a_puppy: LPT: Wear gloves when cutting hot peppers.
To be absolutely clear: Remove ~~them~~ the gloves when finished handling peppers and before rubbing eyes.
edit: clarity
CommandoSolo: Upvote for clarity.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411086190 | 1411604700 | t3_2gtc0o | t5_2to41 | 4 | SJWILL97: TIFU By not proof reading my coursework.
This didn't happen today but it wasn't too long ago, sorry.
So it all happened in my business class. I pretty much pissed about in the class the whole year, didn't take it as serious as I probably should have. I was getting along quite well with my coursework working at a B which I was more than happy about. About a week before the deadline I decided that I had pretty much finished, and decided to hand it in early to get the remaining lessons off. So I handed it in and walked out of class, not saying anything to my classmates knowing I would see them after the lesson anyway. Fast forward a week the deadline had come and gone for the work and everyone had handed theirs work in and it was sent off to the examiners.
After the course work was over with we went back to business class to start studying for the exam. I sat with my normal group of peers. I went on the computer in the business folder in my account, on the screen was two word documents. Confused I opened up one, it was my coursework except there was lot's and lot's of profanities scattered all through the 11 page document. I opened the other document and it was my Course work again, without all the added profanities.
I already knew what had happened, me and my friends would often do this - use find and replace on word to add random words into our work it was all harmless fun we would always make a copy of the actual work, laugh about it and delete the altered file and carry on like nothing happened.
I asked my friends when they did this, they were surprised I just found it. I was told they did it the day I handed my work in, when I was away from my desk. They didn't know I was going to hand in my work early so didn't think about it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. What copy did I hand in... did they do it before I printed off my copy that I handed in? I instantly approached the teacher and asked to see the copy I handed in. But he had already sent off all the paper copies that were handed into him. I didn't want to say anything, because if I did my friends would get in serious trouble, my school was very tight on 'no touching others computers' especially editing their work without them knowing. We had all done it to each other, I had done the same thing to them we all had, normally we would notice instantly but obviously I hadn't. I remember not even reading it once it came out of the printer so I didn't know which copy I handed in.
Month later and the results for coursework came back. I got an E dropping down from a B. I never saw the copy of work I handed in, never finding out if it was the altered copy or not but I would be a large amount of money that it was.
I ended up failing that class, the coursework made up 70% of the final grade and the exam was very difficult and I had little motivation to do well knowing I needed an A just to pass. I failed because I didn't proof read my work and was too interested in finishing early and getting time off.
TL;DR: Mates played a joke on me. Didn't find out until I had submitted 'the joke' to the teacher. Joke caused me to fail my business class.
TIL: Always proof read work, always.
Imthedaddy11: an "E"?
SJWILL97: It goes A, B, C, D, E, F then U for unmarked
Imthedaddy11: in america we dont have an e or an u
| 4 | 1 | |
1411959087 | 1411978848 | t3_2hr61u | t5_2to41 | 137 | plantshit: TIFU by trying to scare my cat
I was running out the door to head over to my friend's birthday gathering at the bouldering gym, I realized that I forgot my climbing shoes.
As I headed back in my door, I saw my cat at the base of the lower level stairs lying there in the way always. I wanted to scare him, so I ran down the hall and down the stairs but I ended up slipping on the 2nd last step. My body was thrown forward and upwards.
With a loud crack, I invertedly twisted my ankle during the process of smashing my face on the wall over my cat.
Cat walked away while I was sitting on ground crying for my younger brother to get me ice.
Insta karma.
isaristh: NEVER fuck with cats. They got black magic, yo.
[deleted]: Dude, even Koreans never ate cats because of bad juju.
Source: am Korean.
| 3 | 45.666667 | |
1409538650 | 1409539627 | t3_2f4viw | t5_2to41 | 4 | JDWright85: TIFU by opening my garage door.
Hey Reddit,
Here's the background:
I live in a city in a country where the police don't protect neighborhoods, so as a result we hire (very necessary) neighborhood security guards to watch our houses. All the neighbors pitch in to pay a guy to do laps with a night stick. I personally contribute about 1/8th of this country's minimum wage to our guy once a month. It's also relevant to mention that I am a gringo in a land of very few gringos. Definitely nobody else in the neighborhood. I live in my house with my wife and kid.
I have a ramp that leads up to a double door for car entry to the property. The doors open outward to the street.
Last night I went to open the doors and knocked a TV off the ledge of the ramp. It was my security guard's. His post is 3 more houses down on the corner. He was standing on the other side of the street from my house waiting for a bus and had left his TV directly in front of my solid wooden doors. It was pretty ridiculous. There were pretty much an infinite number of other places the TV could have been placed that weren't on a ledge next to a door! For example, in his post, or next to him on the other side of the street where he was waiting. This morning, he came to my door with a tiny piece of plastic in his hand as proof that the TV was broken and asked me to pay for it.
I'm a pretty big supporter of don't piss off the help. The waiter can always spit in your soup, right? We hire this guy to protect our house from break-ins, I'd rather not give him an excuse to sponsor one.
I mean, practically, I know what I need to do, but I can't help thinking about Mr. Lebowski lamenting, "I just want to understand this sir, every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the person?"
So that's what happened. Not terrible, but at the same time I hate being taking advantage of. What are your thoughts on the ethics and practicality of this situation? Thanks.
Firesquid: I would wonder why a security guard you pay to do a patrol would have a tv.. that said, pay to replace the tv but start looking for a replacement..
JDWright85: A good question that I have asked myself. And why was said TV perched on a ledge on the opposite side of the street in front of a garage door?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411822151 | 1411853152 | t3_2hm1kn | t5_2to41 | 48 | LeglessManDino: TIFU by asking my crush to homecoming UPDATE
So, in my previous post http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2hhffj/tifu_by_asking_my_crush_to_the_homecoming_dance/ the story was told of how, two days ago, I asked my crush to come to homecoming with me, but in my panic, I included "so I could ravage your asshole." Which was a joke my friend had made. Well, I talked to her yesterday and she said yes. Today, she changed her mind. She said: "Yo dude I appreciate the offer but I think I'll fly solo to this homecoming thing... you're kinda a fucking weirdo." Yeah. I have all of my classes with her....
EDIT: So she just texted me: "No hard feelings" What the hell.
[deleted]: Dude, you didn't fuck up by asking, you fucked up by "so I can ravage your asshole."
You are a fucking weirdo, jeez.
LeglessManDino: Did you read my previous post? I was nervous, and my friend had made that joke several times, so when I asked her, I panicked and I accidentally said that. Please read my post next time.
[deleted]: Dude, still. Just because it "slipped out" doesn't make it less weird. Put yourself in her position.
None the less the post should ride "While asking" or "by slipping out a joke"
LeglessManDino: I understand that, but being nervous and saying something on accident doesn't make me, in entirety, a "fucking weirdo"
[deleted]: Ok, so let's hypothetically explain this to the girl.
"I'm sorry I said that, it's just a joke me and my friend make all the time."
"Oh...ok"
"Yeah, I must of just slipped and said it. I'm very used to saying that sentence about you frequently."
"..."
LeglessManDino: The reason I don't understand why she said that is because she said yes afterwords, and laughed about it. She says jokingly sexual stuff like that to me all the time.
[deleted]: Still doesn't make it any less weird dude, and somewhat overboard in any situation.
| 8 | 6 | |
1411969820 | 1412010446 | t3_2hrl2b | t5_2to41 | 131 | greasy_pete: TIFU by accidentally giving my buddy and his girl a golden shower
This actually happened just a few hours ago. To set the stage a little bit, there's this old gymnasium on my campus that has easy access to the roof by a fire escape thats always left ajar. People tend to go up there to hang out, smoke, or just get a really nice view of the city.
Anyways, cut to three hours ago when me and a few friends decide that we've had enough of studying and want to go exploring. We roam around campus for a bit and finally make our way over to the Gym to dick around up there. After a while of being on the roof, my bladder begins to shriek at me to release its golden load. So, I decide that the perfect way to do this, whilst also expressing the jubilant freedom I felt while being so high up, was to piss right off the side of the building.
A little more backstory. On the right side of the old gym is a large copse of trees where people tend to go to be a little more romantic with their significant others. Well, unbeknownst to me such a couple was sitting right below the ledge upon which my two feet were firmly planted. To my credit, my golden stream was shockingly accurate and began to flow directly onto the couples heads. Immediately the two broke from their intertwined position and began to shout a string of obscenities. Realizing my grave error I zipped up and bolted to the fire escape with my friends, cackling maniacally as we ran back to our dorm.
Fast forward about ten minutes to all of us sitting in a dorm room and still grinning about my hilarious mistake. All of a sudden one of our buddies bursts in screaming about having to take a shower and reeking of piss. It was at that moment that I remember my friend telling me a few hours earlier that he was going to take his girlfriend down to the woods by the gym to have a romantic picnic dinner. The very same woods I had just pissed directly into. Immediately I started to feel the laugh bubbling up in my stomach. As it was about to burst from my lips I tried to choke it down which resulted in something emerging close to a cough. I excused my self from the room, and walked down the hall where I proceeded to laugh my ass off until my sides hurt. Here's hoping my friend never finds out, or I bet he'll beat the piss out of me.
TL;DR - pissed off a roof and accidentally started a threesome with my buddy and his girl in which I was the golden shower.
Doctor_magic_nuts: If i was him and i found out, id just tie you to your bed in your sleep and piss alllll over you. Payback is a bitch.. Or should i say peeback?
MeesaHugeDickface: You need help bro
Doctor_magic_nuts: Why is that?
Fluid_Dragons_Breath: Because, the more people pissing on him the better.
gergpeabs: he needs to get farm animals pissing on him
| 6 | 21.833333 | |
1411841171 | 1411971281 | t3_2hmroc | t5_2to41 | 969 | Adiniken: TIFU by kissing the girl I had a crush on.
So I was talking to my crush on the phone this morning and she said she would be coming into town. I asked if she wanted to meet up with me and she said yes in a very excited way which I thought was odd. We ended up meeting in town and went for a walk round the park that was 5 minutes away. Everything was going well, small talk, hugs, talking about random things in general and then she said that she wanted to play truths. I agreed obviously, and we started playing. The questions started off normal. We'd ask what our favorite things were, opinions on things and people and then opinions on each other. We ended up asking if we would ever date each other or if we would even kiss each other. I found out that she would probably date me, and she would kiss me.
Truths turned into dares after a while and they were fine mostly. We dared each other to climb trees, to hug each other and stuff like that. We were both really happy in each others company and it came to my turn. So I said "Truth or dare", and she chose dare.
This is where I fucked up.
A little bit more back story first (sorry but I feel it's important). Her best friend (who I am really friendly with) told me a few days earlier that she really liked me. As in, would want to be my girlfriend. So I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to show I liked her too. I made sure I was dressed nice, smelled pleasant and I had chewed some minty gum before so my breath was no worry to me. I dared her to close her eyes. She did so with a big smile and her hands over her eyes. I stepped closer to her, placed my hands on her waist, and gave her a small, pleasant kiss on the lips. When I stepped back, her expression was completely blank. She took her hands away from her face and put them into her pockets and looked down. She wasn't blushing or anything, just staring at the ground. I asked her if she was ok and she nodded and said yeah. I walked her home and said we said our goodbyes with a rather awkward hug. I didn't feel like taking the bus home after it.
I don't think she will talk to me again.
Jarredthebluetiger: Dude are you in elementary school? You're fine kid, don't sweat it.
Adiniken: I'm 16.
Jarredthebluetiger: "dared each other to hug"
Sorry... Pretty easy to assume younger
Adiniken: Good point actually. That was really just a backup dare if we couldn't think of one.
BrachydiosPounder: My girlfriend (currently of over 3 and a half years) said bye and ran away after our first kiss. You'll be fine
obviouslythrowaway: This. Girls' reactions are never clear. She could be mounting you and never talk to you again, or she could run away and want to be your girlfriend. The only deadend is the friendzone.
Source: middle-aged.
Edit: don't mind the downvotes, that's just young girls being offended by reality. ;)
Johnny_Stooge: Friendzone is not a dead-end either. I have a friend who made it very clear that we were just friends. No problem. Then one night we were watching Dredd (of all movies) and out of nowhere she starts kissing me and then mounted me. It got intense.
Any time I attempt to talk about it she gets all embarrassed, says it should never have happened and then blames me. And then she'll go on to say that there is something between us but that we can't do anything about it.
Girls can be confusing as fuck.
Bright_Side_Of_Lyfe: I'm dating an amazing and beautiful girl and couldn't be happier. I have been in her friend zone for the past 7 years up until this last July.
Don't get me wrong, I think she loves her ex more than she loves me, and I'm pretty sure I'm a rebound for her, but god damn I've enjoyed the last 2 months. Hoping to hold on to it for as long as I possibly can lol
JSW_99: And you're just okay with this existance?
atkinson137: Some people are man. Works for em I guess 0.o
| 11 | 88.090909 | |
1411842274 | 1412017450 | t3_2hmth3 | t5_2to41 | 30 | tehprocrasturbator: TIFU by swiping through her photos
My A Level English teacher has been going on for ages about getting a dog. She adores them - we often spend lesson time looking at cute dog photos on the internet, such is her obsession.
Now she finally has one: a baby golden labrador. So naturally she was desperate to show off the dozens of photos she had taken of her new puppy.
Yesterday I was in an after-school English help class (because I no speak good) but I was the only one there with her because everyone else had skipped it to play FIFA 15.
So there I was, bored out of my mind with no-one to talk to and only 15 minutes left. I ask her if I can see some photos of her dog so she holds her phone in front of me and gives me a lengthy backstory behind each picture.
Then the door knocks and she tells me to hold her phone, since even teachers aren't meant to use them in school. It was the deputy headmaster who was furious that nobody had turned up for the help class. In an instant they had left the room to pursue the slackers, leaving me with her phone.
I breeze through the dog photos, since I didn't much care for them. I eventually reach a photo with her and her son (who is in year 7 at the same school) at a restaurant. I knew that I was no longer in safe territory, but I can't resist swiping more.
For a while there is nothing interesting - family photos, nights out and fingernail pics. But then I swipe past a poorly lit selfie and see something I really shouldn't have. Her face with a shockingly thick penis deep inside her mouth. The next paragraph is pretty NSFW.
She was wearing her glasses, red hair tied in a bun and she was on her knees, breasts exposed with the veiny dick thrust through her lips. There was cum dribbling down her chin.
But this was not the worst thing - no sir. You see, my english teacher is white and her husband is white and her son is white. But the penis in question was not. I don't know if it was black or Indian etc but it was definitely not white.
I wasn't sure what to think - she isn't particularly attractive and is definitely in her mid 40s (so this wasn't like any fantasy of mine or anything) but how she could be so foolish as to leave this on her phone is beyond me. I carry on scrolling and find a few other nudes and underwear photos, but nothing else so horrific.
Anyway, I go right back to the beginning of the photos, press the home button and lock the phone, placing it beside me. Only a few minutes she returns, takes her phone back and we both leave, with her completely oblivious to what had happened.
TL;DR I find porn pic on my teacher's phone while she is busy doing stuff
FaucetMan: Sounds like you have some blackmail if you ever need an A+.
Pick234: Seems like she had some black male of her own....
I thank you
Harrison2112: You deserve an award, my good man
Pick234: thank ya, glad I made some people laugh. all I was asking for :)
| 5 | 6 | |
1411963349 | 1412034533 | t3_2hrcui | t5_2to41 | 30 | dangremonster: TIFU by working out
You know how people always say "don't miss leg day?" Yeah, that shit is true. Do not miss leg day.
So I've been doing P90X3 for a while and my body is starting to get used to working out. But, like everyone else, the main reason I'm doing the program is to have a rockin' bod. And so I focus my efforts on the muscles that will help that image. Pecks, biceps, triceps, shoulders, abs, etc. The last thing on my mind is my lower half, so I skipped workouts dealing with those muscle groups.
So at about halfway through this program I took pictures to see my progress from day one. I wasn't expecting much, but I was surprised that I could see a bit of difference. After poppin' chub for the new me, I realized that I had become a bit of a monster. I was gaining definition up top, but my legs retained that chicken look.
Naturally, I wanted to resolve this issue and I decided tonight would be the best time to really lay on the leg workouts. Squats. Lunges. Kicks. Other leg things. You name it, I did it. And by God, I could feel that it was working. My legs were quivering with this work and I was proud.
This is where things go south.
I walked upstairs to take my post-workout shower. It was difficult to get up the two flights of stairs, which was odd, but I didn't pay it any mind. I started the shower and hopped inside.
The warm water felt like liquid Jesus and I stood there thinking I was hot shit. Everything from singing to myself to doing poses in my shower mirror. Not my proudest moment. After being a little narcissistic bitch, I looked down and saw my member could use a haircut.
You see where this is going.
I picked up the razor like it was fucking Excalibur and went to town. Keep in mind I'm on an endorphine high from exercising and my judgment is not at its peak by this point.
My legs start to randomly spasm as a reaction to heavy use and the violent shaking causes me to slice my scrotum. I screamed like a child as drops of blood fell to the shower floor.
So now I have a family that is now awake, a bleeding scrotum, and legs that won't stop shaking. Fan-fucking-tastic.
I gotta admit, when the immediate pain subsided, my first thought wasn't to seek help or fix my bloodied penis, it was "this might make a decent TIFU." I am ruined. I need to relax on the redditing.
So I patch up my cock and assure parents that I am fine. It could have been much worse, but it still stings like hell. Typed this bad boy up and now I'm gonna sleep it off. Who knows, mini me might be okay for a morning round if I'm lucky. jk
... :(
**TL;DR: Lesson learned the hard way. DO NOT SKIP LEG DAY. Side affects may include peeling your dick like a goddamned tangerine.**
jpariury: You peel your tangerines with a razor?
dangremonster: Do you not?
jpariury: Not so much. My hands do just fine, for both my tangerines *and* my genitals.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1411850114 | 1411971877 | t3_2hn5v8 | t5_2to41 | 13 | treefidy: TIFU by losing my cool with my passive aggressive neighbors.
So, there I was, getting in my car to leave for work when I noticed a bunch of trash and broken shit blocking the end of the driveway..... again. This has happened a few times and I finally got sick of it. I proceeded to drag logs, smash cinder blocks, and generally find all the heaviest shit I could to put in their driveway. The cops got called, my landlord got called, and now I have to pack all my shit and leave today.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... Even if that entails breaking shit and scaring people. C'est la vie.
tn_notahick: I call bs. You can't be evicted in one day.
treefidy: I'm not on a lease or anything, he just showed up and said I got to go.
tn_notahick: Doesn't matter. You have legal rights even without a lease.
The_Reaper95: I don't know how it works in the US - which is where I assume everyone is from - but in the UK at least most of the property's available are private rented and even if you are under contract to rent the property from your landlord he can quite literally tell you to get out and if you take any time longer than he wishes he can have the locks changed and your stuff will be dumped outside.
We have different kinds of properties in the UK. Ones which we rent from council housing which can take years whilst on the list to actually get a council house/flat or you private rent a property from anyone you can and there is nothing illegal about them telling you to fuck off within the day.
Then again, it's also legal here to block off all access to someone's property to either trap them inside or outside.
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1411930403 | 1411933248 | t3_2hpuxt | t5_2to41 | 19 | chickenoflight: TIFU by deleting photos
So, 2 months ago, my mum brought home a cellphone from one of her work buddies. She had some photos she wanted me to preserve since she got a new phone.
I obliged and copied the photos to my computer and deleted them from the phone. I gave the phone back to my mother and compressed the photos since they were like 1 GB. Regular stuff, work and personal photos.
Fast foward one month later and my mum brings me a flash drive. I copy the still .rar files onto the flash drive and hand it back after I delete the files.
Today, my computer started acting up so I requested the Win7 CD from my stepdad. My mum overhears and starts shouting that installing win7 will erase the photos. I told her I already erased them.
I wish I didn't.
With all the fury of Zeus she starts yelling with the might of a thousand dieing suns. Apparently, the photos din't copy correctly, and she decided telling me that was irrelevant.
I explained to her that I couldn't do anything, the photos are lost since I deleted them on my PC and the phone.
She starts bawling her eyes out yet still raging with the fire in her heart as big as the one in Hades', and says her friend had the last photos of her grandfather there just before he died.
I have no idea what to do now, and I only wish for a miracle
[deleted]: Try recuva app (follow instructions) on the phones sd card if there is one
chickenoflight: It wasn't a smart phone
[deleted]: Maybe your carrier can help?
Try Recuva to search on the computer too. Perhaps the new operating system did not overwrite the space occupied by these photos on the hard disk. As you may know, items aren't deleted, the space on the hard drive is just made available for overwriting.
chickenoflight: It did overwrite. It was a month ago
[deleted]: You don't know for sure which segments of the drive are overwritten. The software is free. Use it. . Really. It won't hurt to try.
chickenoflight: Turns out it wasnt showing in HER pc
Because she didn't have Winrar. Unrared it and it works fine. Thanks.
| 7 | 2.714286 | |
1411934485 | 1411999688 | t3_2hq1ym | t5_2to41 | 4 | Holisticism: TIFU By being a Manslut on my birthday
The reason I'm telling this a year later is for pure quality of how it all unfolded. No I didn't piss or shit myself. This may serve as a lesson never to put too many fingers in too many pies.
Last year I was a single man, working as a personal trainer at what may be described as globo gym. Tall girls, short shorts everywhere. They all want a piece of the employees... You just to know how to approach them without seeming like a creep.
I dated one of the members who now works at the gym, now my ex. That's not the TIFU but it's important.
My birthday:
The morning:
I taught a group fitness class funnily enough with my ex who "really wanted to teach with me"
That was all good, until in excitement I announced my snapchat name over the microphone as I was teaching, in turn I spent the rest of my week looking at 16 year old college girl snap chats.
Late morning:
The ex I taught with "had to meet up for coffee" and I'm turn broke down into tears, declaring her love for me. Even though we broke up 9 months ago and she is seeing another personal trainer at the gym!
Lunchtime:
This was settled, I hung out with my best friend (who was also my client at the time). We ate, shopped and discussed whom I was going to take out for dinner.
Afternoon:
A girl I was currently seeing but hadn't quite ended (let's call her girl #1) asked what my plans were for the night as she had a present for me. I did not reply. Because somewhere in my brain I thought girls can receive telepathic messages.
Early evening:
Girl #2 whom I decided to invite out for dinner turn ups at my house, I'm ready to go and as I get my car at girl #2 walks up the driveway. As I drive up to the road I see girl#1 on my right side of my car, girl #2 on the left kind of talking to each other. Girl #2 hops in the car, I wind down my window, girl #1 throws a present in my car and leaves. Girl #2 acts oblivious, obviously not too sure what's going on but it's my birthday so whatever. As I drive off I see girl #1 balling her eyes out in the car, God knows how I changed the subject with girl #2.
Late evening:
Me thinking that's the end of it we head into town for dinner. We arrive and are seated. I take off my coat, look up and GIRL #1 DECIDED TO GO OUT TO DINNER AT THE SAME RESTAURANT! I can't contain myself anymore and explain a miniature version to girl #2 and only when girl #1 leaves she sees us, walks past and says "I hope you have had a nice dinner". You think you've heard sarcasm before? Goodness gracious this was an entirely new language of sarcasm towards me and girl #2.
The next day:
I'm right round to my best friends/clients house and tell her everything. What's more is six months later I'm seeing her! And suffice to say, this years birthday was a little different.
BrotherGabriel31: Manslut usually means fucking multiple chicks in a night, not, cancelling on one girl to go to dinner with another.....
Holisticism: I've done that before. But that wouldn't be a TIFU
BrotherGabriel31: neither was this story though
| 4 | 1 | |
1409540213 | 1409618111 | t3_2f4xm9 | t5_2to41 | 94 | Putitclose: Update. Tifu and now I may lose my home.
We saved our house! We worked extra hard on a lot of scrappy side jobs. My wife even learned how to use a Jack hammer but after working 16+ hours a day for a few weeks we were able to get back on track. Thanks for the thoughts and prayer. We are still trying to make up for what we lost and I doubt I ever see a dime from that contractor but we are on our way to a better future.
censored_vargas_: Missed the original post, mind linking it?
No_MrBond: http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2bq5mq/tifu_and_now_i_may_lose_my_home/
Putitclose: Thank you for the link
| 4 | 23.5 | |
1411782564 | 1411892320 | t3_2hkz79 | t5_2to41 | 87 | PlzSir: TIFU - Had sex with my client, and got her pregnant.
Not until today, have I ever fucked up as bad as I fucked up two weeks ago. Long story short, I am male (20s) and I run a freelance cuddling business. You might recognize me from my AMA explaining what I do, and some of the rules I follow in my business, such as strictly cuddling, no sex. I am married, and my wife is completely understanding of my business and knew what she would be getting into when she married me, she trusts me majorly.
Two weeks ago, I get a request for a 4 hour cuddling session from a woman, simply requesting cuddling and a couple movies on Netflix, seemed easy enough. I drive over to the location, and knock on the door and a woman answers the door, not just any woman, the most beautiful woman I have ever lied my eyes on. You need to understand that I've cuddled with a lot of pretty woman and a lot of ugly woman, but this was different, it was like meeting Kate Upton for me.. I am so lost in her, she waved her hand in front of my face, " Are you okay?" she said in her Russian accent. I snapped back and apologized wiping the slobber that spilled out of my mouth.
She shows me her bedroom, very neat and clean, which is something I do not see a lot of in this business. We get into the bed, and she puts on "Silver Linings Playbook", she preferred to lay on me between my legs with my arms wrapped around her. This was tough for me because I had a perfect view of her tits, and wanted to keep professional and not have a boner hitting her back. She noticed my boner hitting her back when I tried to hide it when moving over, she turned around and looked at me surprised. I apologized, and told her I had a thing for Jennifer Lawrence ( Not Really), she didn't buy it.
TO THE POINT - I couldn't hold myself back, I kissed my client. I have officially went against my own rules of the business, and cheated on my wife at this moment. She slaps me, but then looks at me and starts kissing me, and fast forward we had sex, the best sex in my life. I didn't realize til I walked out the front door the mistake I made. I cheated on my wife, and didn't use a condom. I leave in the morning feeling shitty and guilty as fuck that I broke my own contract, when I have had no problems holding back with anyone else, and cheating on my wife.
CURRENTLY: **The woman contacted me today, two weeks after the event and said she is pregnant, and wants to keep the baby. I want to fucking die right now, wife doesn't know, and I'm not sure how I want to go about this. I fucked up.**
**TL;DR, Married Professional Cuddler breaks own contract by having sex with client, and finds out she is pregnant.**
Edit 9/27/2014: Going to get a paternity test done, the results will be posted here as soon as I find out.
Edit 10/16/2014: Sorry about not updating sooner, she was willing to get a test done, and the baby is not mine, thankfully! Learned my lesson!
vintagemisery: I don't understand how you "couldn't hold back". Wtf?
PlzSir: You wouldn't understand lol
vintagemisery: No, I understand. I understand that you have no self control.
PlzSir: I do. But this woman was intoxicating, I had to.
vintagemisery: You didn't HAVE to do anything. You're a fuck head.
PlzSir: You wouldn't understand
vintagemisery: You keep saying that. You're like a little kid who wants a toy. You NEED it. But you don't. You're just a spoiled brat.
banyt: you wouldn't understand
;)
vintagemisery: Can't tell if you're a troll, or a fellow sociopath.
| 10 | 8.7 | |
1409541974 | 1409550232 | t3_2f500r | t5_2to41 | 3 | Ryanmeszaros: Tifu by trying to bail my girlfriend out of jail.
It started after we left the broadway clubs in myrtle beach. It was the worst night at the clubs ever. Some guy tried to dance on her and she was all for it. Which pissed me off. And then a bitch spills Bacardi 151 all over my brand new Michael kors shirt. After that we decided to leave.We were on our way to our apartment, when I bitched about the guy that was trying to dance on her. This caused an argument to ensue. Well we were arguing the whole ride home, and after we got home. In our fight she said something that made me pretty mad. So when she walked outside, I decided to lock her out as my retaliation. After about 45 seconds of her knocking and yelling, I let her in...she didn't miss a beat in punching me right in my already broken nose.(my fucking face hurts so bad right now) after that I calmed the situation down, and started talking to her. (Mostly for the safety of my nose) but it was to late, someone had already called the police. They separate us and speak with us, I denied that she touched me and told them she didn't do anything. Which was worthless because unbenounced to me she had already told them. They decide to take her to jail....at this point I'm a wreck. I got in a fight, my girlfriend went to jail, I didn't mention this before but I was also kicked out of 2 clubs that night as well.
THIS IS WHERE I FUCKED UP!
So in my upset and emotional state I decided I had to get her out. So I go to the jail. When I get there they tell me I won't be able to get her out until after 9am. So I decide to wait the 6 hours, well guess who decides to stroll on in. None other than the officer who just arrested my girlfriend. Who then comes up to me saying "I smell like alcohol". Well I tried to deny it, but then I remembered the drunk lady that spilled her liquor all over me. At that point I was in handcuffs, next thing I know I'm in booking. I just posted my bail this morning my bail was only $106 hers is $2103. So needless to say my wonderful girlfriend is still in jail.
Landredr: They booked you for the smell alone? No breathalyzer?
Ryanmeszaros: I begged for a breathalyzer test. They didn't give me one. I was charged with public intoxication.
r0b0torg: higher a good lawyer... i promise you it is worth it .... $10000 got me out of TWO dwis
| 4 | 0.75 | |
1411936756 | 1411951683 | t3_2hq5zc | t5_2to41 | 4 | LadyGrizabella: TIFU by stubbing my toe
Actually, this happened the other night.
I had put my son to bed and after about fifteen, maybe twenty minutes he called out and asked me to shut his door so he could get some sleep.
I walk down the hallway towards his room when suddenly I feel an intense pain like somebody ramming a nail into my foot shoot up my foot and into my leg. I howled as if demons were biting me on the ass, tears running down my face as I closed his door and wobbled back down the hallway to the living room. My husband, seeing the look on my face as if I'd been kicking porcupines on purpose, asks me what's wrong. I flop down in the recliner and start to whimper.
"Toe..broken." is all I can say because I'm in so much pain. My husband sits on the floor next to the recliner and looks at it, touching it gingerly which makes me yelp in pain. My toe hasn't swollen a huge amount, nor is it turning purple which leads my husband (in his infinite manly wisdom) to declare it's not broken. I get up, wobble into the kitchen and take two Aleve, my go to pill for when shit hurts.
The next day, my toe is still very sore, but it hasn't swollen any more than it had the night before when I originally injured it. I manage to not ram it into anything else the entire day. But that night, when I'm going into our room to get laundry to take to the washer, I ram it and somehow manage to twist it sideways into a suitcase which is lying next to the laundry basket. A suitcase which my husband has sworn he's going to put away 84,000 times over the last three months since we used it last. I scream in pain, because this makes it hurt as if the devil himself is jamming a red hot poker into my foot.
Over the last couple of days, although it's been painful, my toe seems to be on the mend. My son, ever the observant one, asks me why the end of it is purple and I bend down to take a closer look. Sure enough, I have managed to bruise my pinkie toe.
unclefisty: When my wife was pregnant she slipped on ice and broke every toe, except her big toe, on one foot. The er said it was a sprain even after xrays. They called us back a few days later to inform us it was actually broken.
LadyGrizabella: Ow. I bet that hurt.
Even if I went to the ER, they probably wouldn't have done anything except tape it up and give me painkillers. There's not really a whole lot you can do for broken toes except that. You just have to put up with it until it heals.
unclefisty: They ace wrapped it and told her she could walk on it. Which was excruciating. When the hospital called back three days later they told her to make an appointment with an orthopedist in town. Who wrapped her in a cast from toes to knee. With orders not to walk on it.
LadyGrizabella: Wow.
I've been staying mostly off it the last couple days. I have to go back to work tomorrow (assuming they call me...I'm a substitute lunch lady for our school district) which means that I'll be standing on a concrete floor for a minimum of six hours. I hope that doesn't fuck it up worse.
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411972405 | 1412005093 | t3_2hrnqg | t5_2to41 | 35 | watchforpedestrians: TIFU by letting you slowly drift away
We were never close you and I, my brother. I fucked up today and the last year by not trying hard enough to try and reconcile our differences for which it doesn't even really matter much anymore because you were killed today.
It doesn't really matter all the yelling, shouting, and sometimes physical blows we gave to each other. I still bear the scar above my eyebrow from the time you threw mom's stiletto at my head when we were kids. But I forgive you. I am sorry for letting small things get in the way of family.
I am writing this right now hearing mom cry in the bedroom, she can't sleep. I can't sleep. Dad can't sleep but I still have so many questions, so many questions that will never be answered.
I found out that you were in a serious relationship from someone from grade school. She called, she cried, I cried. You should know that she was in Boston but is coming back right now. I wish I was close enough to you that you would tell me things like her without having her being notified by the detective.
I saw your apartment today. It was weird to look inside and see how you lived. Everything was tidy and it seems that you didn't quite unpack from your move not one month ago. I see that you got your winter clothes, suits and jackets and all, all ready for the change in seasons. I saw a ticket stub for a suit I think you sent in to get tailored. I don't think I can ever pick that one up.
I tried to get everything in order but I think it will take some time. For that I apologize. I need to get things in order. I never quite thought I would have to bury you before mom and dad. I am not sure what you wanted or how your wanted to be buried or cremated. I guess we thought we would live forever, huh? I guess that we never had a serious enough discussions on life, death, and everything there abouts.
I tried contacting your friends but you did not make it easy. Everything was password protected. Your phone, your laptop, your work phone, your ipad. I mean its okay, I never told you my passwords either.
Mom's still crying in her room
I didn't get to look at everything yet but I saw some things you wrote. You were meticulous on keeping records. I should do the same.
Your work called me today and I am glad to say that that contact is trying to help us. It appears that he is helping but I am unsure of if that's just a HR/PR bottom line or not. I have to go to your office sometimes this week and clean it out. I think your house will take a bit further. I saw all the awards you got from your different companies. Mr Fucking Bigshot. Don't worry, I am proud of you now.
I apologize for not being there and trying hard to keep in touch. Its a bit to late for that now. And I have to end this or else I might really lose it. But Mom's still crying in her room.
Rotnam: Damn, I really need to call my brother now. I'm sorry for your loss..
telijah: Me too, my brother is battling some alcohol related medical problems, and reading this is hitting a chord.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1409542769 | 1409613448 | t3_2f514c | t5_2to41 | 258 | reyt65: TIFU by looking at Kate Upton's nudes
Like everyone else on reddit today, I spent most of my time over at /r/TheFappening browsing and jerking it to everything a man could dream of. At one point, I looked at what OP had written next to one of the Kate Upton videos, where all she does is talk. But I figured, "Why not look at everything, what's the point of skipping?" So I clicked on the link, which led me to a sketchy streaming sight where I had to download the player. At this point I probably should've noticed that this was too much work just to see Kate Upton talk, but my dick got the best of me. So, after downloading the player as well as the file, nothing would open. At this point, I was really frustrated, so I just quit out of my browser. When I reopened it, instead of being able to search with Google, I have to search with Bing, and the homepage is now Bing as well. Whenever I click on a link, a porn/mackeeper pop-up comes up and is very audible. I'm not the most tech-savvy guy, so now my computer is all fucked up and I don't know what to do.
TL;DR: Jerked to Kate Upton's nudes, got a computer virus.
Insecure_Batgirl: You just got a computer STD yo.
DoesThisWorkMan: BITCH
EndiaXanaphia: SCIENCE
DoesThisWorkMan: Yeah science, bitch
RoEksDee: **MAGNETS**
| 6 | 43 | |
1411971900 | 1412036021 | t3_2hrn76 | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by masturbating at my High School in public
It was September 18th, and I was as horny as rabbit on steroids. I decided to try to get off by discreetly fapping in the open. I went to my high school at around 7pm, so there was nobody present. I located one of the lunch tables where certain girls ate their food, and started furiously pounding my meat. I eventually shot a monstrous load on the table, which was about 4 inches by 2 inches. Then, I pull up my pants and look behind the slime scene, and what do I see? The janitor in the distance, about 80 feet away, emptying a trash can. I could tell by his expression that he had seen shit. I show up the next day, and they had quarantined the entire table with yellow tape. Apparently, they were going to do a deep cleaning of the area, because it was a health hazard. I thought that was the worst that could happen, but later that day, my name is called on the intercom, and they usher me to the vice principal. The janitor was able to ID me! The vice principal talks to me for a half hour saying how what I did was horrible and unsanitary, and a violation of basic policies. When I came back to class, it was obvious that a lot of people knew what I did. When I came home, my parents had got the call, and from what they heard, I urinated on the table, rather than ejaculated. I thought that was about the best stroke of luck I had that gotten since the incident, but then they started accusing me of drinking beer, talking about how there was a case missing from the fridge. I had no idea about any of that, but I just agreed to save myself from further embarrassment. So as of today, I am alienated from everybody at my school, and have lost the trust of my parents. I'm also grounded, but I don't really care about that because of the other stuff that's going on.
TL;DR - Masturbated at my school in public at night; Janitor identified me; Everybody knows I did it and my parents think I drink beer.
epazur: seriously dude I think you may have a problem. I like to jerk off as much as the next guy but for christ sakes there is a time and a place!
IronicHipsterMan: https://www.google.com/search?q=prof+oak+there's+a+time+and&client=safari&hl=en&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=bPUpVKPYLoO7yQSn2IHACw&ved=0CAcQ_AUoAQ&biw=320&bih=372#facrc=_&imgrc=_bNNGnirOhrzGM%253A%3B2almx0bHFnXu3M%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fi.lvme.me%252Fmdus4ch.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.livememe.com%252Fmdus4ch%3B450%3B382
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1411972529 | 1412124581 | t3_2hrnvo | t5_2to41 | 11 | Androgynousy: TIFU by noticing a text on my dad's phone.
This was actually about three months ago
Basically, my dad was driving so he asked me to text my mum for him. I saw the last text my mum had sent to him and it simply said "wanna have sex later?".
This would of been kinda normal I guess but my parents are split up and approaching 40. My dad never found out and I haven't said anything since. However, it has stayed with me since.
[deleted]: My parents are in ther 60's and still have sex 3-5 times a week. You have a lot to learn young grasshopper :)
greatestcereal: How do you even know that o.o
[deleted]: My family is very open. We've always discussed sex, and what is healthy versus unhealthy sex, frequency, expectations, etc.
greatestcereal: I wish my family was like that. I am am moved out and married and I STILL don't know whether my parents get it on.
[deleted]: Haha, well they at least got it on once or you were a miracle birth.
greatestcereal: I have two sisters too. Parents must be aliens.
[deleted]: Haha yes, aliens is the obvious answer!!
| 8 | 1.375 | |
1409543219 | 1409546000 | t3_2f51nf | t5_2to41 | 3 | [deleted]: TIFU By having the best sex of my life.
**First, lets set the scene...**
My fiancee lives an hour away currently for university and comes home on weekends, so its not like we're having sexy time 24/7 anyway. We parked in a remote location and it was dark so we hopped in the backseat and started making out and touching like normal. Commence slipping the condom on. She starts complaining that it hurts so we contemplate removing it and continuing. We do, and its our first time doing so. We are just completely immersed in eachother. In the already hot texas night, in our little car, its pretty hot (temperature wise!). And towards the end of our intimacy her tits were just completely in my face and there was no escape, but I wasnt complaining. However, about 30 seconds before we were done, the back left and left side of my brain started to hurt BAD. I just contributed it to the heat and lack of oxygen due to breathing in boobs. But who cares, sex right? The last 30 seconds it just got worse... And worse... And worse.. Until she got off of me and I literally felt like I was going to have a stroke or anneurism or something. Typing this two hours later the left part of my head hurts.
Fast forward to ice cream. Turns out she is bleeding like hell. After some discussion, with a combination of the rough sex and my large member, we assume that I popped her cherry (she had a hymenectomy, but all they did was divide it into 4ths and sew it along the her vaginal wall).
**TL;DR - Had best sex of my life, nearly suffocated in titties, made fiancee bleed.
Doesnt matter; had sex. My head STILL hurts...**
Lights_are_off: Hey guise look at me I made up a story to brag about my "big" dick and my girlfriend's tits.
Insecure_Batgirl: That's the vibe I'm getting too. I understand you fucked your gf, but you didn't fuck up.
| 3 | 1 | |
1409536565 | 1409545807 | t3_2f4sie | t5_2to41 | 11 | RufinTheFury: TIFU by going for a run immediately after eating McDonald's.
It's Sunday night which means no dining halls are open on campus. All my new friends here are pretty local and all of them went home this weekend for whatever reason. No big deal, I'll go over to Mickey Ds and get some grub on my own.
10 McNuggets, a medium fries, a large root beer, and a McFlurry later, and I decide it would be a fantastic idea to burn off the McBeetus by going for a run *right that instant*. So I head off to the campus's CoRec after getting changed. Why the CoRec and not just running outside? CoRec has a track and it's air conditioned.
Now, let it be known that I am not in shape. At all. I don't lift and I only run semi-regularly - basically I'm skinny fat.
In any case, I do my usual 10 laps jogging and then 1 lap sprint. Since I'm a stupid runner my breathing is awful and I start to get a stitch on something like lap 6. I push through and do my sprint. As soon as I'm done with my burst of speed my stomach feels like it's about to explode. Foolishly I decide to just walk it off and then I start my second rotation. By the time I'm on lap 2 I already feel like I'm dying so I figure I'll just cut to the chase and run my sprint on lap 5.
Lemme tell ya, as soon as that sprint finished I stumbled off the track and just fall down like an elephant hit with 30 tranqs. It felt like I was about to burst and I was going to die on the spot. I rather deliriously dragged myself down the stairs and out the building. Going back up the stairs to my dorm felt like hiking up Mt. Rainier. I walked straight to the shower, clothes on and all, and just sat down.
That was 20 minutes ago. Now I'm here lying on my bed wishing for death to come and take me away from this agony.
Insecure_Batgirl: I was expecting at some point in this story that you would have thrown up the entire meal.
RufinTheFury: I damn near did walking back to my dorm. I let out a burp and I was sure I would vomit but I choked it back down. Nasty taste man.
Insecure_Batgirl: This sounds like it would make the best Mc Donalds commercial ever.
| 4 | 2.75 | |
1411240765 | 1413683894 | t3_2gz1pv | t5_2to41 | 7,333 | snakeize: TIFU Going to band practice, completely stoned
Today I made the biggest fuck up of my life (so far). when I got to band practice, I unloaded all my drums, and moved them inside.
I started setting up all the pieces, first my throne, the bass drum, cymbal stands, toms, and cymbals (always in that order) Then I sit down and adjust everything... Well this time I forgot to put the seat on my throne, and sat down on the stem about 1.5 inches (almost 4cm) in diameter. The stem went through the back of my pants, into my scrotum, and out the front of my pants.
I yelled, what can only be described as the scream of 10,000 souls "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Quickly got on my feet, and limped to the bathroom to check the damage, while my guitar player called me an ambulance.
I went to the emergency room, and the nurses all gathered around. it was late and the hospital was empty, I guess everyone wanted to see what a testicle looked like because my room was packed with nurses (All Female) covering their mouths with their hands, eyes popping out, one of them asked if I wanted to see it... I did not.
I asked in a concerned voice "Am I going to keep them" the whole room burst out laughing, and the head nurse spoke up "Yeah, but you're going to need stitches" nodding her head.
36 stitches in my nutsack that now looks like a purple softball, with black and red stitching.
TL;DR I was so high I forgot to put the seat on my drum throne, sat on the stem, and nearly castrated myself. My boys are ok, and are being held together by 36 stitches.
EDIT: WOW, Fuck up of the week! That's going to look fantastic on my resume. Thanks for all the tips, and encouraging words.
I just ordered [a new throne](http://www.musiciansfriend.com/drums-percussion/pork-pie-round-drum-throne/h99705) because I can't even look at my current one... So! who's in the market for a [sonar drum throne](http://imgur.com/wCt8aVb)? only been impaled upon once!
Sorry, I won't be posting any pics of my balls, I don't want to break the internet.
In the meantime, look before you sit, smoke a fat one for me, and enjoy every concert from now on, wondering if the drummer is the real /u/snakeize
poohspiglet: We're going to need pictures of this. For science. Yes, for science.
snakeize: I'm starting to wonder if you're even a scientist at all.
PervertedOsiris: We all are scientist. We gather data to teach others what not to do.
unjike: "data"
bluecamel17: That's the label I store all the porn in.
bayrae: Not "Taxes 2007"? That one is classic.
bluecamel17: I also like "system settings," "preferences," and "low carb, gluten free snacks."
poptartaddict: This logic is making me question every time I've ever snooped through a guys computer. I always go straight for the obvious. Next time I'll be more prepared. Thank you, sir!
bluecamel17: Well, you should probably look in other places, my naive friend. Actually, you should probably look at why you snoop on guys to begin with. Are they not honest? Well, shit, end that. Are they too cool with you and your girls going out slutting up the '0whatever? Hey, maybe break them shits, baby girl. Either way, your baby daddy know what's brewin'. He keep it chill.
poptartaddict: Ha! I look cause it's the easiest way to find out what they're really into. You know the fetishes and fantasies. I keep my man happy so he doesn't need to cheat. But thanks for that chauvinistic asshole response, pornkeeper!
YouPutTheIInTeam: Without trying to sound like an asshole, you could just ask them if you were curious about things like that. Or sit down and watch porn together.
My ex was a snooper. Whenever I was at work, she would be going through my computer and when I was asleep, she would be going through my phone.
I can tell you 100%, cross my heart and hope to die that I have never cheated on any of my girlfriends and I never plan to. She went through my things because she had NO respect for privacy.
There are probably a dozen other ways to go about finding out kinks than snooping.
I know that nobody cares, but it's just my thought on the matter.
poptartaddict: Ok. I made that initial comment to be funny, but I see now it's made it look like I'm some weird stalker chick. I have done this with two boyfriends. One didn't like to talk about what he liked, so I looked at his browser history one day, sort of on accident while using the I internet. The other had a sick porn addiction. I don't do this on a regular basis. I just didn't know guys went to such extremes to hide something that seems pretty normal.
MBII: > The other had a sick porn addiction.
Just out of curiosity, what was your reaction to that? Immediate break-up? Confront him about it, ask him to change?
> I just didn't know guys went to such extremes to hide something that seems pretty normal.
In case someone discovers our sick porn addiction.
poptartaddict: First I thought it was just normal stuff, but then it interfered with his job and our relationship. I confronted him and tried to find out why, but he just denied it and said that it was normal. Not being able to get laundry done or go to work because you want to watch it all day isn't normal. He didn't even want to have sex anymore. So I eventually left. Probably, 4 months after finding out how bad it was.
Minecraftiscewl: Porn is an evil thing, it's a shame it is considered normal, and this is what happens if you don't stop.
| 16 | 458.3125 | |
1411960623 | 1412022130 | t3_2hr8mg | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading one my dad's text messages
So a bit of backstory, this happened when I was about 12 or 13 (around 8 years ago), my parents had been divorced for about a year and my dad had just introduced myself and my sister to his new girlfriend probably a week before this happened.
Just a regular day in my childhood and we had just gone down to the grocery shop to get some food or something, it was just meant to be a quick trip inside, so I elected to sit in the car and wait for my dad to get whatever it was he was getting.
So I was sitting there innocently when I see his phone which he had left in the car for some reason light up, and it was a message from the new girlfriend. Being the nosy little kid I was I decided to read it. Worst decision ever. Before I could stop myself I had read an entire message detailing how his girlfriend had just shaved how lady parts, how keen she was to see him and his "big hard cock".
I immediately backed out of the message, horrified at what I had just seen, put the phone back and didn't talk to my dad for several days. I didn't think about this until much later but I eventually realised that he would know that I had read it as otherwise it would have come up as unread.
They have now moved in together, I still live with them and no one has ever spoken about it but pretty sure they know that I had read this very private message very early in their relationship.
Ripper_Bravo_Six: Can we just have a subreddit for people who didnt fuck up TODAY
penguinsinspace: Today, I was mindfully of sharp objects around my genitals, didn't have sex with crazy people I didn't know, didn't get drunk, didn't snoop through other people's private lives, didn't masturbate, and, because of forgoing all of these activities, didn't fuck up.
LuckyStarBunny: I get the feeling that /r/TIDFU would be a really boring place...
LuckyStarBunny: Edit: it *is* a really boring place. I didn't know that existed.
| 5 | 2.2 | |
1411889686 | 1411897886 | t3_2hokm7 | t5_2to41 | 6 | Jobiwankenobi: TIFU by getting caught having sex In my car by a cop.
So me and my girlfreind were having sex in this church parking lot ( both of us are 17) When all off a sudden a cop can pulls up and asks us to get out. He was polite and seemed understanding, we didn't get charged with anything. After a few minutes two more squad cars pull up and four officers get out. I assume they thought it was funny. After I let him search my car (I had nothing illegal in there) he asked me to pick up the two condoms on the ground and let us leave. My only question is why did he ask for my personal cell while filling out his report?
[deleted]: Perhaps he needed contact info for his report and tried to keep from using a number that your parents might answer if they ever follow up. . which they won't. . so don't worry. :)
Jobiwankenobi: Thanks, like I said he seemed amused by the situation. Not all cops are bad.
ikoniq93: #NOTALLCOPS
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409544907 | 1409553091 | t3_2f53wz | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by turning a bad trip into a bad fall
Bare with me if you will. So this happened the night before and then heading into 4/20.
I was at a music festival doing what most festival goers do fresh off two hits of ecstasy and ready to get down. Then, a really good friend of mine, lets call him Ray, surprises me by showing up to the festival. Excitement ensues and bumps my high. Ray then proceeds to hand me a cigarette and a strip of gum. When I start chewing on the gum he tells me its laced with LSD. Already having experience with taking some, I prepare myself for the euphoria.
Everything was everything at that moment. Good friends, cute girls, dope music, etc etc. About 2 hours later Ray gives me a life saver mint. I consumed without hesitation not being surprised that it was drenched in LSD. Then, I was just about gone. All I could see were flashes of colors and nothing else. Like how eye floaters look but enlarged and blocking all but my peripheral vision. Luckily Ray and the girls he brought with him were looking out for me. But then I blacked the fuck out when the festival ends.
So on the way back to the car I was told I was screaming how AMAZING I felt even though I couldn't see shit and I was tripping balls.
I was supposed to meet some other friends at a hotel in the area but am too fucked up to give directions so I end up riding back with the girls I just met for they live in the same city as I do. All while Ray, being the true homie that he is, rides in the trunk for the two hour trip.
FUCK UP ALERT!!
So the next morning, I wake up at Ray's house still heavy on acid with everything in site looking melted as fuck. And while he had to be at work that morning, I wake up next to his roommate whose this big guy I am also friends with but being on acid made his face look totally melted and unfamiliar. Im tripping the fuck out trying to go out of the room but the roommate kept pushing back onto the bed trying to hold me down. At that point Im thinking "oh fuck he's trying to rape me. I gotta get the fuck out of here". So since the roommate is blocking the door I jump out of the window with no shoes on, land on the grass, and start running. Ray's girlfriend, who stays at his house most of the time, comes running after me. So as she catches up to me she tries to get me to calm down but her face was melted as well and Im thinking, "she's just trying to take me back so they can rape me." so then I start running again.
At that point I had convinced myself that what was happening was all a dream and my logic in dreamworld is I always wake up right before I die. So, while floating in and out of consciousness, I straight up start jumping in front of cars. FUCKING NUTS! By now everyone back at Ray's house is panicking and end up calling my sister for help. My house is literally 3 minutes away down the main street. But anyway, nothing is working so I remember most of my dream deaths occur when I jump off from a height. I have no idea how I knew where to go but I end up at this overpass for train tracks. Then I run towards the edge and, BALLS THE FUCK OUT, jump off 20 feet straight down to the ground. Thank goodness I fell on the very side where there is dirt and bushes. I end up confused as fuck.
As I lay there, I try to walk it off but cannot. So I just waited to die so I could wake up. Then I see a car pull up and it's the roommate with my sister who comes out to help me. Still being on acid, her face looked melted and unfamiliar as well. I didn't wanna be laying by the underpass for police to find me so I crawl into the car. Still thinking its a dream, I finally speak and ask for a gun to shoot myself with. At this point I start blacking in and out again.
I remember going back to Ray's house and seeing my mom there crying while her face was melting. Next thing I remember was being in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital. Then straight to the ER for diagnosis and morphine for the pain, which boosted the acid even more.
So the doctor, while his face was melting, tells me I fractured my spine, fractured my right pelvis, and shattered both of my ankles. And there went 3 and a half months of painkillers and rehab.
Forward to now. After surgery on left ankle and wearing a back brace, I am close to full recovery and able to walk again. Looking back at it, this has to be the biggest fuck up in my life and think everyday how fucking stupid I am because of that situation.
tl;dr: Took a lot of lsd at a festival, next morning try to jump off a bridge to wake up from a bad dream only it wasn't.
the_stove: Now that's a true fuck up... lsd is some serious shit
iammrhellohowareyou: Honestly it was probably the big guy that was touching him that fucked up. If he had just let him do his thing without threatening him, he would had been fine.
| 3 | 5 | |
1411975662 | 1411976342 | t3_2hrqwq | t5_2to41 | 14 | csatvtftw: TIFU by forgetting which side of my state I live in
I just drove home from an extremely exhausting weekend event. This was suppose to be a four hour drive, and it turned into nearly six and a half, with no stops and no traffic.
I get on the highway to go home, heading south. About 45 minutes in there is a junction and I can either take I-64 East or I-64 West. In my exhausted state, it somehow makes sense for me to go east. I'll note here that I live in southwest VA. So I'm driving along and I see a sign that tells me VA Beach is around 65 miles away or something like that. That should have been my first clue. But instead of wondering why I'm being told how far away VA Beach is when I'm suppose to be traveling away from it, I think "Oh cool I'm close to VA Beach, maybe I'll stop there!" And I keep driving. **For an hour.** Finally, I see a sign about the infamous bridge-tunnel, and that's when the red flags start going up in my head. I very slowly realized my mistake. It was not a good realization. I was already exhausted and just wanted to be home, and I'd just added two hours, at least, to my trip. Also wasted a quarter tank of gas. I angrily turned around and made my way home.
tl;dr Went the wrong direction on the highway, didn't realize for an hour.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: howmismthis possible in the 21st century..
csatvtftw: It's a drive I've done a few times, so I didn't bother with the GPS. I was running on maybe 6 or 7 hours of sleep since Friday morning, and had worked 37 hours over the course of two and a half days, so my brain was not anywhere near working properly.
ImTheReal_TuongLuKim: that would explain why it's possible OP. get some sleep.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411937506 | 1411954141 | t3_2hq7aq | t5_2to41 | 15 | thesquirtlocker117: TIFU by mis-typing 2 letters at work.
So I work at a Jimmy John's, and everyday we get tons of deliveries. If you happen to be located at a business, we usually ask for your name. So the phone starts ringing, I answer and confirm the address and ask for her name. Melissa. I start typing quickly and proceed take and print the order, only to realize I spelled her name Moolisa. Well that's kinda funny she probably won't mind. Driver returns from his delivery. "Who here wrote Moolisa". Oh Shit. "She was not happy about her ticket, she was a pretty fat chick." Well fuck me sideways, I made a fat girl feel badly for reason, and laughed about it for a good while too. For all I know she ordered a Veggie and is actually trying.
EDIT: fixed error
freeroof: Well, how'd you know she was fat?
thesquirtlocker117: The delivery driver met her in person...
djdes: > "She was not happy about her ticket, she was a pretty chick."
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1411831645 | 1411863416 | t3_2hmd6n | t5_2to41 | 678 | such_hodor_wow: TIFU by taking my boyfriend to the TIFF with my grandparents (NSFW)
This happened last year, and he's actually not my boyfriend anymore, that's an entire different story, but regardless, this is still a very tifu worthy story.
So every year, I like to go to the Toronto International Film Festival with my grandparents. (they aren't ACTUALLY my grandparents, but they're an older couple I'm close with who really embody that role in my life) these people live in downtown Toronto right in the heart of where the festival takes place, and they like to purchase a full membership, go to a whole pile of movies throughout the week, and invite any of their friends and family to join them. I had just started dating someone and it was important for me that my grandparents meet him and approve of him, because this relationship was starting to get serious, and I value their input in my life. So I thought, "Hey, why not take him to the TIFF to meet them?"
So I got them to send me the list of movies they were seeing, and then we figured out which movies worked in our schedule. It just so happens my boyfriend had a friend who worked for the TIFF, and could score us some free tickets. So we sent that friend our list of movies, and he came back to us, and told us he could get us free tickets for one movie: a Korean film called Moebius.
All was good and set up to go. We got our tickets, went to Toronto, met up with my grandparents, and headed to the movies. I like to go into a movie with a clean slate, in that I don't like to look up a summary of a film, and rather just go in and be pleasantly surprised at what I'm about to see. After Moebius... I will NEVER do that ever again.
Within the first five minutes of the starting of Moebius, a mother cuts off her son's dick, and eats it. Yes, you read that correctly. This horrible movie that must be playing in the front lobby of Hell continued on a terrifying roller-coaster where more dicks were chopped off, one of those dicks was run over by a car, there was masturbation using a rock, and a creepy three-way sex scene with the dickless son, another guy, and a girl with a knife who stabs him in the back. It was absolutely the worst most horrifying movie I had ever seen in my life... made worse and more awkward by the fact that on one side, is my now-traumatized boyfriend, and on the other side... my grandparents. Everyone in the audience was groaning in agony throughout this movie. I had never experienced anything like it. You wanted to leave, everyone wanted to leave... but it was so horribly mesmerizing you couldn't.
After the movie, we were all very shaken, and traumatized... and all we could do for the remainder of the evening was make dick jokes.
TL;DR - wanted to introduce my boyfriend to my grandparents. Ended up watching a movie about castration. Always, ALWAYS look up movie plot summaries in advance, folks.
ShadyTea: can somebody I please find me a link to this movie?
IAmCacao: I PM'd you a link...
SirJumbles: I kind of want that like too.
IAmCacao: I'm not posting here since it's not exactly legal in all countries and I'm not sure if that can get me in trouble with reddit or whatever, but anyway I PM'd you the link too.
Stabbytehstabber: I'm deeply ashamed to ask this, but can you PM it to me as well?
IAmCacao: Don't be, everyone needs a a healthy dose of dick cutting every now and then. PM'd.
Cyndaquilll: Could I get it as well? Thanks.
IAmCacao: Scroll down a bit, /u/Sea_Sailor posted a direct link to a stream of the movie.
| 9 | 75.333333 | |
1411905975 | 1411931088 | t3_2howwj | t5_2to41 | 169 | ExcitingApathy: TIFU Told my wife she's unsexy
My wife was pressing me on why we've had less sex lately. I told her my libido isn't what it used to be and I'm tired often. She kept pressing on so I told her she was unsexy since she's put on weight and isn't taking care of her appearance. It was just mean and I love her and I know this hurt her.
bubbleberry1: Yep you done fucked up all right.
Next time try positive instead of negative: e.g. you would love to see her dress up in sexy outfits. She'll get the hint. This can also backfire tho: "hey sweetie I've got this kink that I'm hung up on...I'd be so turned on if you put a blindfold on me and turned out the lights just in case!"
[deleted]: "Hey honey, I'm into a new fetish. It's called exercise."
bubbleberry1: In all honesty the OP's best bet would be to start vigorously exercising and hope his partner notices his results and gets similarly inspired...
i_pk_pjers_i: What if he's already in great shape but his partner isn't?
bubbleberry1: Well, this isn't /r/relationships, but I assume that no one is in great shape for every type of exercise - e.g. if he's a bodybuilder, try going to some yoga classes; if he's a distance runner, try hitting the weights; etc.
"Hey honey, I was thinking about trying to improve my flexibility. I signed up for these yoga classes but I don't want everyone in there to think I'm perving on chicks in yoga pants. If you came with me, they'd know I was married and that would make me feel so much more comfortable."
ARE YOU LISTENING OP??
[deleted]: but then he would be directly lying. which is wrong.
| 7 | 24.142857 | |
1409546756 | 1409681084 | t3_2f56cj | t5_2to41 | 129 | le9gag90skid: TIFU by listening to my dick and not my brain.
"Happened about an hour ago"
So, as many of you know, today is the "Fappening" with all of these celebrity nudes released. Anyways, I was on mobile when one of my friends text me with this link to reddit. I happen to also be driving. After opening up the first few links (sorry for driving while looking at my phone!) I decide to just pull over on the side of the road and just take my dick right out and get to work. Its been a few days since me and my dick went to town since I had been with family all weekend. Anyways, so I'm pulled over by the side of the road, and i open a few links up, line up as many tabs as i could with the best pictures and i get right at it. Im about half way through my session. I was thinking about where I would release the little spermies. I decided, that I should just crouch a little bit (the roof of my car is pretty high) and finish right out the window. So, I figure that's the plan and as you know, I was thinking with my dick. I roll down the windows and continue working. Im almost there, and i feel it coming. The sperm was almost at the tip, and I do exactly what the plan was. I was in the local roads at the time, and i guess i didn't hear a car coming but....
I ended up jizzing right out the window just as a little kid, gazing into the night sky in a family car sees me jizz in his direction. I see his gasp, I can hear his virgin eyes being shattered. I roll down the window, and I book it.
Don't think with your dick, reddit.
273748490102838374: You're stupid
sparta_reddy: How do you remember your Username?
273748490102838374: I don't
sparta_reddy: Notepad?
273748490102838374: I never log out
sparta_reddy: Respect!
| 7 | 18.428571 | |
1409547396 | 1409612482 | t3_2f574m | t5_2to41 | 77 | d53095: TIFU by kissing a girl I was interested in, in a an elevator and subsequently getting charges pressed against me.
Like so many other TIFU's, this did not happen today but I feel the need to share because we live in a world where we need to protect ourselves for he said, she said's.
So I was 16 and interested in this girl, we'll call her Sammie. We were part of a really tight group of friends, and when two of us did something, we all did that something.
In my high school, we had an elevator that mainly used for people that were wearing casts, disabled, etc., but was strictly off limits for the able bodied in that it was just next to the flight of stairs in our two story school.
Sammie and I were in the bottom corridor that lead to the elevator/stairs and both of our next classes were upstairs. While walking towards the stairs she looks at me and says, "I'm to tired to walk up those damn stairs lets take the elevator." In my head I'm thinking, "Hell yes! she wants to be in a secluded location with just me and her, this is my chance and I have to take it." She had known of my interests in her for a little while and I had thought she had similar interests.
We get into the elevator and the door shuts. As we start rising, I walk up to her and I kiss her. She kisses back and kind of sinks to my level. Mind you I was about 5' 4" in. and her 5' 9". The elevator stops and the doors open and she leaves without saying a word. Not even a "bye."
A few days go by and she starts getting really flakey, not talking to me or our group of friends. Four days after the incident, I get pulled out of class. I was a pretty bad kid and for me this was just another day at school. On the way up to the office I'm thinking, "What is it this time?" Although this time I get taken to the Student Resource Officer who is employed by the city PD and on the Districts payroll and not to the dean of students office. Shit this is serious. I get in there and he tells me to have a seat. He then goes over the situation as he had heard it after reading me my Miranda rights and telling me my mom is on her way to the school. He tell me he was told that I had forced the kiss upon her and held he arms above her head as it was forced.
I then get told that she is pressing harassment charges against me and after the year long junior probation our county has I'm off scott free and had that charge expunged from my record.
TL;DR Kissed a girl in an elevator, she lies for attention most likely, and I have a harassment charge on my record.
Edit: Guys, I am 20 now and realize what I did wrong. I understand the fear of rape in women in huge but in the 20 second ride nothing could have happened. Also, people telling each other that this happened to a friend or them should not say they want to drown them or light them on fire. That's just fucked up.
878lettuces: Look you should always ask for consent if you are not absolutely sure (and you had no reason to be).
Look at this from the other side, you just got in an elevator with a guy, you realize you are in an isolated place and all of a sudden without saying a word he grabs you and starts kissing you, if you struggle things might get bad, as a man he is almost certainly stronger than you and emergency stopping an elevator is not hard, if you cooperate he will probably just let you go... but if you struggle.
Her behavior as you relate it later is consistent with that (becoming avoidant) and scared to be around you before finally summoning up the courage to tell someone. While it was occurred (incredibly rarely) that people have lied about things like this to get attention (if she was going to lie for attention she could just make something up completely) it's much more common that she legitimately felt forced.
Ultimately it's better to just ask "can I kiss you" then accidentally sexually harass someone even if it is a bit awkward.
[deleted]: This is immediately what I thought. Op gave a rapey vibe when he kissed her suddenly, she kissed back to prevent violence and wait out the elevator. Then she high tailed it out of there.
1uncomfortabletruth: they are kids, there was no way the kid was going to rape her in the elevator when the door is about to open, if op hit the emergency stop then yea thats not cool without consent but come on grow a pair like you never got rejected trying to kiss someone, its part of being an awkward teen. cant stand people being but hurt over kids being kids, a kiss is innocent, he didint force her to do anything
[deleted]: Dude, I think you are a troll. But in the off hand chance you aren't and for those that don't know better, I'll give you a serious reply.
First of all, being a teen doesn't stop you from committing rape. A teen male at 16 is as strong as a grown man.
Secondly, it is very clear that the girl was extremely uncomfortable with him going up and kissing her. If you are a woman and someone you don't like in that way just comes up and kisses you, you would freak out too. You would think about how to get out of that situation without getting hurt. That is clearly what she did.
Thirdly, her avoidance of him and their mutual friends indicates she perceived him as a threat. I don't know why she would but he says himself he was a bad kid, so maybe she had the impression that they are extremely aggressive with women or some shit. Who knows.
They weren't on a date. They got on a fucking elevator. He stole a kiss. Girl was surprised, did what she could to avoid aggression. Then she avoided the group, probably talked to people about it and they got him harassment charges.
Sure. I've been rejected before... On a fucking date. Point is they weren't on one.
darthjammer224: You also have to put yourself in his shoes here. There are faults on both accounts sure. But as one of those 16 year old awkward dudes I'll tell you. Some of us have no fucking clue what is and isn't a signal. So asking him to take the elevator with her maybe and was perceived as a signal. Ten short seconds of just those two. And they knew each other. They were friends he wasn't a stranger.
And a kiss is nothing. If he grabbed or booby fondled definetly send his ass to the PD. But if it was an innocent kiss and he thought she liked him she needed to just tell him to back off.if I walked up to one of the girls I know AMD just kissed them I would probably get a really weird look and awkwardness for a little while. Circumstances dude. They make a difference.
Sorry for such a long reply but it seemed like you weren't viewing the guys pov
[deleted]: The op already pointed out his side of the story. I am just conveying the likelihood of what the girl experienced. The op didn't have intent to do anything malicious but there was no clarification of this between the two parties and he assumes she reported him for attention. I am just saying on the part of the girl there is a reasonable explanation and she isn't just some crazy bitch. I am not saying that op deserved to get charges of harassment.
When it comes to shit like this, women have more risk than men, so their behaviors must err on the side of caution.
TheRabid: In the end, both were slightly wrong and this likely could have turned out better if either side talked to each other.
[deleted]: I got no dog in this. I am just describing this clearly in terms of social dynamics. You can even interchange the sexes in this for same sex interaction or whatever and the below would still be logically consistent. There is a more obvious physical difference between a male and female interaction though.
Legally, it is harassment or battery, because it was an uninvited violation of your body. That part is indisputable. Most people might not take it that far, but it is legal to do so.
Socially, it is a "misunderstanding" initiated by the OP. The OP initiated an action on girl that he personally wanted and was not sure the girl did. Then he didn't anticipate the extent of the negative consequences if at all. The girl is not fucking responsible for clearing up this "misunderstanding". The girl was the one that was wronged by the action, why the fuck would she be "slightly wrong".
yessir111: hundredcuts nailed it.
| 10 | 7.7 | |
1411858170 | 1412110607 | t3_2hni88 | t5_2to41 | 93 | magicone2571: TIFU By using a credit card and now I might be looking at prison time.
Story time - About 8 years ago my grandmother got a credit card. I at the time needed some funds so I asked her if I could use it. She said sure and added me as an user on the account. I got a card with my name and everything. Anyways... I used it, paid the bill and managed the account for about 4 years.
In 2012 I got a knock on the door from a detective. Not knowing any better (big mistake #2) I agreed to talk to him without a lawyer. They were investigating me for fraud and abuse of an elderly person. There was no denying that I used the card, but I guess since was grandma had been diagnosed with memory issues few months earlier using the card constituted fraud. They had photos of me using the card, the whole works.
Biggest problem at that time was that I just put all my vacation money for an upcoming trip on the card so I could use it. I had no personal credit at the time. The detective told me to stop using the card. Sadly I had to on vacation. After that, I heard nothing from no one. I thought the matter had been settled.
Fast forward to few months ago. Get a call back from the detective looking for some paperwork. I send him what I have and went on with my life. Now, I started using the card again after a year thinking the issues had been resolved. So I know I am in trouble.
And today I found out how much. I am being charged with a Class A Felony, theft of over $5,000. Looking at up to 10 years and/or $20,000 fine. Legal fees are going to get me before that. The only lawyer who can properly handle my type of case is $250/hour and like $4,000 min per court case. I'm looking at anywhere from $20k to $35k in legal fees. My income is too high for a public defender.
It is all bad - ether prison, a fine that will bankrupt me, legal fees that will bankrupt me... Even if they say fine, 1 year probation and fine - my job requires that I have a clean background check. I'll loose my job, my business and the tiny savings I have.
I fucked up more that once and I know it is my fault. Once final notes - there was never any damage done to my grandmother (who btw, has probably only a few months to live), I always paid the bill and never with her money. But they don't seem to care. Ugg.
Edits:
1) Why I haven't built up my own creidt?
A) I have but most of credit cards are around $500 limits. This card started at $4000 and now is like $12000.
2) Why did you keep using it?
A) First time after was because my wife fell and broke her arm on vacation. It was the only card I had that had enough credit on it to pay the bill. Other times it was just oversight. Last 2 or 3 times was I broke a tool for work and everything else was maxed out. I had to get back to work. My personal credit gets maxed out between may and Sept for my business. Now as we go in to Oct it will get paid off nearly 90%.
3) Do you pay it in full every month?
A) No it has always had a ballance. But I pay it way more than the minimum payment every month.
4) Why don't you delete this post?
A) Read fuck up 1. This post is exactly what I told the cops first time I talked. They have me on tape.
5) Who handles your grandmother's finances?
A) I do. I have for 3 years. I also pay half her rent out of my own pocket. Plus I was paying for her food but that stopped.
6) How did this come about?
A) We have a split family. My grandmother had 2 husbands. 5 kids with the first and 3 with the second. Team A does not like team b. So there is one member of team A that talks to b. I am in team b. Well team a never comes around never helps or anything but the go between saw the credit card statement one day. She freaks out and calls to arms team a. Instead of calling me to discuss it, they take it to the cops. Now team A has harassed team b for the last year saying we stole all this money.
Kitanata: If you live in the United States your income is not a factor for getting a court-appointed attorney to represent you in your criminal court case. It doesn't matter if you make a million dollars a year. If you cannot afford a private attorney the court MUST appoint one for you. If they do not, and the case goes to trial you can have the case thrown out on appeal. [Rule 11](http://www.law.cornell.edu/rules/frcrmp/rule_11)
Additionally, you should know everything that the prosecution office files against you as evidence. If not, again the case can be dismissed outright for violation of [Rule 16](http://www.law.cornell.edu/rules/frcrmp/rule_16).
I am not a lawyer, and I am especially not your lawyer, and this isn't legal advice. At your next hearing, let the Judge know that you are requesting a court-appointed attorney and from this point on, shut the fuck up.
dfgdfgvs: >If you live in the United States **your income** is not a factor for getting a court-appointed attorney to represent you in your criminal court case. It doesn't matter if you make a million dollars a year. If you **cannot afford** a private attorney the court MUST appoint one for you.
Uh... really now? I think you need to give that a second look.
itsabirdplane: Well all of the private attorneys are too expensive. OP says he can't afford them. Seems like he should get a public defender.
dfgdfgvs: OP also says he makes too much for a public defender...
PointyOintment: /u/Kitanata says how much he makes doesn't matter.
dfgdfgvs: I mean, not really. He tried to, while very clearly saying it did matter.
Kitanata: Clearly you do not pay bills. There is a difference between what you make, and what you can afford. Let's take a practical approach and say after 15 years you finally got a job making $100,000 a year. A decent salary by any stretch of the imagination. However you've been living in an apartment all your life, you owe a ton in student loans, and you have a car payment. Given your new job, you decide it's time to settle down and buy a house. Shortly after you find yourself in legal trouble and need to defend yourself in court. You don't own the home, so you can't sell it and use the equity towards legal fees. Selling your car would net you $5,000 but that means you can no longer work because your job is 1 hour away. You spend so much on your student loans, car loans, and mortgage payments that you have less than $1,000 a month left for "free spending" on things like food and gas.
Can you afford a $350/hr attorney?
dfgdfgvs: ... sure. This is the law and government we're talking about. They're not going to do a free detailed analysis of your income, obligations, and debts to figure out if you can afford a private attorney or not.
If you look up how these things are actually determined, it is income. What else do you expect them to do?
| 9 | 10.333333 | |
1409547587 | 1409549991 | t3_2f57ds | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by sending a dirty message to a complete stranger, pissing my gf off...
So I've had this perverted mind as a child. I like hardcore porn, what can I say? I also like sexting. I don't know what it is about it, but I can get off to it, especially when it's with a girl I know. Hell, I've done it with my girlfriend (we can be freaks sometimes). Well, she's never really known about my pornographic past, but she knows I can be one nasty freak.
Last night, as I cozily lay down on my bed next to my girlfriend, I get a notification on my cell phone: BING! Its a response from a message I wrote a couple of nights ago. Apparently, somebody liked what I wrote about them and wanted to hear more. I tried to ignore it, but my gf wanted to see who it was. I wanted to resist, but I said "What the hell? She's my gf and I'm sure she won't be affected by some perverted sentence that I wrote to some stranger."
Well, she's pissed. And I mean PISSED. I'm trying to talk to her, but she's been ignoring me and giving me glares of hate. What the hell do I do?! I don't know how to fix this, man...
I know she may feel betrayed but the things that I wrote really don't mean anything. At the end of the day, she's the one I want to be with and fantasize about (really). This perverted mindset is really just a phase, as I can feel it slipping away since I moved in with her. I actually haven't even masterbated recently because of how great I feel with her. I do have my relapses, though, and this was one of them.
I can't say I'm proud of myself, but I never thought much about these things until now...
mrbedlamman: How long have you been going out?
I would honestly either say let's just talk about this like adults and try and come to a joint conclusion or just say I'm sorry for what I did, I know you are mad, but I'm only human. I learning from my mistakes and will not do it again god so help me.
Best of luck
[deleted]: 5 years. She's an awesome woman, really. I guess I thought being honest about what I did would help the situation. It seemingly hasn't. Thanks for your advice though. It'll be something I'll try in the morning. Right now, she's got pillows between us...
mrbedlamman: I've been there man, worst is when she begs for you to tell her something, you do then she flips out and freaks on you. It's going to be fine.
[deleted]: Yeah me too. This seems to have really fucked with her. I really hope we turn out OK...
| 5 | 0.8 | |
1411855883 | 1411869334 | t3_2hneuc | t5_2to41 | 63 | [deleted]: TIFU by not watching my dog
This happened a few days ago and I am still pretty upset about it. I am trying not to blame myself but, I still feel like I could have done something to prevent it.
A little back story before I tell what happened. My dog is 16 years old. He began to have problems seeing where he was going and would constantly run into things such as the furniture and the walls. It became a regular thing and there was nothing we could really do but just watch him closely.
A few days ago I got up out of bed like it was any other day. It was a nice morning. I made breakfast and did all of the usual things I do every morning. I opened the back door to let all of my dogs out into the backyard just like I do everyday.
My mom works from home so I was going to head back to my room because she was going into a business meeting and I did not want to disturb her. So I just left the door open and all of the dogs outside and did not think anything of it.
10 minutes later...
I hear my mom scream my name. I quickly run towards the living room and then outside to where she was and I see her crying and my dog (the 16 year old dog) laying there. While I was in my room he had walked into our pool and since he was so old he could not have made it out without help and he drowned. My mom had dove into the water and got him out by the time I came outside. He was already gone by then.
It happened so fast from the time that I let them outside. I just wish I would have stayed outside with him longer.
Anderz: My family lost our dog in similar circumstances. He was only 4 and although we trained him to avoid the water and use the ramp we installed, we didn't train him that the pool cover was not a solid surface. :(
sweetpea122: My parent's friend had a 4 year old die that way. Pools can be dangerous. Sorry fo your loss
Anderz: It's utterly incomparable to your parent's friends loss, but thank you nonetheless.
sweetpea122: Loss is kind of subjective. I felt bad for them, but I wasnt close to them, but that was *your* pet
| 5 | 12.6 | |
1411468872 | 1411518239 | t3_2h7ueb | t5_2to41 | 2,657 | cliff980: TIFU by attempting to pass a silent fart in my chemistry exam..
A little background on the tale I am about to tell, I am currently a freshman in college. Today was my first ever midterm for my general chemistry course and I was extremely unprepared. I had been stressing all day, which sometimes can make for an iffy stomach.
So there I was, sitting in a room with 400 or so other students, all asses and elbows in a room much too small for this capacity. The tests are passed out, silence falls and I begin my hopeless mission to obtain a C on my exam. At about 20 minutes I feel a grumbling, unmatched to any I have ever felt in my life. Panic sets in, I know what's about to happen. I fight valiantly to resist the inevitable, I knew I was staring defeat and almost certain embarrassment in the face. In my panic I devised a plan. I knew there was going to be gas passed, there was no question at this point, but I figured that if I let out small waves I could maintain an acceptable audible level. There was no time for a plan B so I put myself into position by dropping my pencil and leaning ever so slightly to the right and cracking the gates to my colon. Never have I miscalculated this greatly. As soon as I attempted to release a small discreet butt whistle, the dam broke loose. With a mighty roar my anus shook dust from the rafters, rattled ear drums, and gave its best impression of a dying goose. I wish this was the most embarrassing part.. As soon as it passed through my rectum I knew this was going to be devastating to any living thing with a sense of smell. This bum blast came out hotter that Beelzebub's nut sack, the familiar sting of a fart that would express the scent of the darkest corner of my colon. What ensued was like something out of a nightmare, 400 sets of eyes turn and focus on me, followed shortly by the coughing and gagging of everyone in a 20 foot radius of ground zero. This bastard wouldn't quit and after 5 minutes of the smell not dissipating the TAs began to evacuate.. Everyone was lead outside while the windows were opened and fans where wheeled in.. Now I am awaiting to return to my desk to finish my test, sitting alone watching people point at me and whisper, getting sympathetic looks from the professor and TAs and feeling utterly embarrassed..
TL;DR
I let out the most disgusting and obnoxious fart of my life while attempting to release a modest SBD during my first chemistry exam with 400 other students. The exam room actually had to be evacuated because of the smell and the reaction it received. My social life is over.
EDIT: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
ViolentSadhu: I name you Farticus.
"Fart so good make you wanna leave yo' test"
cliff980: I will bear the title with honor, and stained underwear..
RelevantNostalgia: Tagged as "Farticus."
I had a similar event in Jr high school tech class. Fortunately, while massive, mine was silent. It was a mixed blessing that the stench cloud expanded so rapidly, as its all-encompassing nature made it difficult to pinpoint ground zero, my ass.
The teacher stopped class and asked if anyone needed to visit the nurse, as no healthy colon could have created such a smell. As no one fessed up (why would I?), the teacher turned on the saw dust/fume hoods above the work benches to ventilate the room.
Scattered_Disk: Me too! Junior high literature class. Silent too, the smell somehow moved forward and no one suspected, but it was *poisonous*. Class had to be disrupted, few girls had to go to bathroom and room sprayed with perfume. I still kept silence.
But I remember it like yesterday.
cliff980: Things such as these will stay with you forever..
skitzyredneck: This reminds me of better days. It was physical science, freshman year. We had just got settled in doing schoolwork. My family had made beans and Bacon the night before. I knew it was coming. I felt it creeping up slowly, and I knew it would be awful. But how awful? I did not know. I couldn't take it anymore, and slowly let it ooze out of my ass slowly and silently. It began to fill the classroom, just after I knew I had won this battle. No one would know it was me. People started complaining, the look of disgust on their faces was so satisfying. It was another battle to keep the laughter in, but again, I prevailed yet again. Soon it had reached def con 5. The whole room could smell its stench of glory. The room was cleared, and my favorite teacher sprayed gratuitous amounts of febreze....but it lingered. This was no fart to be forgotten. Ever.
cliff980: You are one maniacal bastard and I love you for that.
| 8 | 332.125 | |
1411975317 | 1412016923 | t3_2hrqlc | t5_2to41 | 88 | OnlyRadioheadLyrics: TIFU I lied to try to get out of a ticket
So, about a month ago I was helping move my friend into grad school and got pulled over for doing 70 on a county road. I paid the fee, did traffic school, yadda yadda yadda.
I'm driving home from work last week, and I'm stopped in dead-stop traffic during rush hour on a highway. I've had to pull 60 hour work weeks this month, so I'm tired, bored, and I just want to hear someone else's voice. I pull out my phone because I forgot what station number NPR is. I had my phone out for ten seconds when I get pulled over.
I don't deal well with cops. They freak me out. So I can already feel my heart beating, my hands sweating, I know I can't get another citation or my insurance rates will skyrocket - I'm not thinking clearly. At all.
"So, do you know why I pulled you over?"
*This is it onlyradioheadlyrics, you can win the sympathy vote. Just pull out your academy award winning level acting skills and make him pity you enough to rip up the ticket.*
"I'm sorry officer ... it's just ... "
*Something good. Hey, your dog died two weeks ago!*
"My dog died."
"So you were texting about that?"
"Yeah my dad was telling me ..." I instantly realize I just admitted to texting. I sit there looking stupid.
He comes back with a ticket, tells me that while he respects whatever is going on with my life, he still has to give me a ticket. I drive off. I'm just kinda shaking because I can't believe how dumb I am.
I find out later that it's not illegal to look at your phone in California. It's just illegal to text. If I had just been honest with the cop and apologized for looking at my phone, he may not even have been able to ticket me.
So that's how dumb I am guys. A pretty costly mistake, and my insurance is going to be super high for who knows how long. Plus I tarnished the memory of poor Buddy (RIP, little guy.)
tink9995: I've been really really lucky with being pulled over.
--I was driving 68 in a 55 and received a verbal warning when I explained I was used to highways being 65 mph.
-- My insurance lapsed by 3 days and I got in a fender bender. Fast forward 6 months and stupid me didn't realized my drivers license was invalid due to not having SR-22 and continued coverage. I should have been arrested. Its a felony. Got a ticket and driven by the officer to a diner so I wasn't in the middle of nowhere.
-- driving on the highway going about 80 in a 65. I explained I was trying to get to a bathroom. He came back and said "you've been pulled over for speeding before but not this fast so I'm inclined to believe you." Written warning and he told me a rest stop was only a few miles ahead.
[deleted]: im guessing you are a girl
ProblemPie: I am very much a man and the only time that I've ever been pulled over was for doing 49 in a 30 (granted it was at 2 AM and the road does not have a posted speed limit, so what the fuck, city) and I was given a verbal warning.
[deleted]: ive received warnings as well. but based on what was posted by tink I am very certain they must be female. "Got a ticket and driven by the officer to a diner so I wasn't in the middle of nowhere" very big part that makes me think so.
your story makes sense to get a warning.
ProblemPie: Oh, whoops, I actually missed that part of the story. Yeah, I'd have to agree with you.
Funny addendum to that story, by the way: the officer insisted that I needed to have my license updated to my current address - where I had been living for nearly a year at the time. So I was like, that's cool, he probably could have suspended my license or something.
*Nope*. I don't even have to change the license, per state regulation. I just have to notify the DMV if I change addresses.
| 6 | 14.666667 | |
1411355288 | 1411440531 | t3_2h3d02 | t5_2to41 | 4,023 | Tacky_Pea: TIFU by letting my daughter hold my grocery list.
My daughter has been reading for a good long while. She's a bright and articulate kid, and reading came naturally to her at a very early age. I'd like to take credit for that shit, but I can't.
It was time for our weekly grocery trip and she was pretty excited that it was going to be just us girls. Her enthusiasm was adorable.
"Mommy, can I hold the list?" she asked.
"Of course, lovebug, I'd like that. You just read what we need, and I'll grab it and put in the basket," I replied, beaming down at my little helper.
Typically the first section we hit in the grocery store is the produce section. So there we were, picking up berries and cilantro and whatever the fuck else when she reminds me we need a cantaloupe. Instead of turning the cart around and trekking back toward the front of the produce section, I wheeled my cart to an out of the way spot and told my daughter to stay put while I grabbed a melon.
Now, I'm sure cantaloupe doesn't confuse everyone. But for a moment I was struck completely dumb, holding a melon aloft in my hand, thoughtfully eyeballing it, and trying not to look like a crazy person. Do I smell it? Thump it? Press the navel? Hold a pair up in front of my shirt and giggle? (I'm a mom - not a saint - that shit is funny.) I was confused about the intricacies of proper melon picking technique.
I must have been taking too long contemplating cantaloupes. My daughter must have gotten a little bored and decided to work ahead on the list. From across the produce section I hear my daughter's angelic voice call out over so many ears of corn and in front the eyes of so many potatoes, "Mommy?! Did you get the coffee jizz?"
I put the melon down. I made a noise in my throat that is pretty much universal for, “oh Jesus, did my baby just say that?” I blushed furiously and watched as heads turned our way. I considered for one brief moment fleeing through the glass sliding doors and pretending I didn't know her.
In what felt like slow motion, I went to her, half giggling - half total mortification, and told her that while it was MY mistake to write the word, she really shouldn't say it again.
Yeah, see guys, sometimes you name things like Coffee-Mate after terrible things. If you do, I recommend one of three things:
Don't let your adorable child hold your list.
Learn how to inspect and choose a fucking melon before the kid gets bored and actually reads said list.
Don’t be a dirty old woman.
Elcodfish: To pick a good cantaloupe, you want to find a melon that seems heavy for its size, then smell where it was attached to the vine. If it smells like cantaloupe then it is ripe and ready to eat, if it has no smell it isn't ready yet.
pl213: You can also get a pair of melons and put them by the coffee. Should coffee jizz result, you've got quite the pair of melons. Pick one or both.
scottphris: /r/nocontext
forte_bass: /r/evenwithcontext
The-Show-Time: Has there ever been a time when these two subreddits WEREN'T mentioned together?
Rocket_hamster: No, since there has never been a time where someone hasn't cashed in that karma
EwnM: /r/theydidthemath
EwnM: /r/theydidthemonstermath
roytheshort: > Has there ever been a time when these two subreddits WEREN'T mentioned together?
WoodPlanking: /r/itwasagraveyardgraph
| 11 | 365.727273 | |
1410628567 | 1410912494 | t3_2gaus2 | t5_2to41 | 12,287 | bei60: TIFU by telling my german gf a holocaust joke
It's improtant to tell you guys I'm jewish...
So my gf was taking a shower and I had to pee, so I went into the bathroom and told her that I'm coming in... I started peeing and after a few seconds she said "when you're done you can come to into the shower with me if you want", and while usually I'd say yes and hop in, I felt extra funny that moment, so I replied with "Sorry dear, my grandpa already fell for that trick"...
I really thought she'd like the joke... But she didn't...
98_holt: That joke is so perfect I don't believe this happened
[deleted]: 10/10 would recommend this joke to a friend and/or family member!
Pyrelord: but make sure they aren't german or jewish
Heiminator: German here. I can assure you that really evil holocaust jokes are being told among Germans, we are just careful not to tell them in public/among strangers.
Examples:
Q: How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
A: 65. 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 10 in the trunk and 50 in the ashtray.
Q: How can a concentration camp commander determine the escape route of Jewish prisoners?
A: Chimney height x wind speed.
I'll show myself out now...
[deleted]: Jew here. I can assure you of exactly the same thing among Jews.
1. Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
They give them gas.
2. Why did hitler kill himself?
He got the gas bill.
3. Why were there so many Jews at Auschwitz?
The train fare was free
4. Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, they never were.
5. There should be a Jewish hipster record shop filled with traditional Jewish music called "The Vinyl Solution"
6. Holocaust! The Musical -- putting the Sing back into ethnic cleansing.
Hip Jews tell these jokes to each other all the time. I think we should start sharing them with the Germans; theirs sound pretty hilarious too.
Heiminator: A friend of mine from Israel told me that Jews tell the worst (as in most evil) holocaust jokes. I hadn't heard most of the ones you just told before, thanks for expanding my joke arsenal :-).
flugsibinator: Somebody should give that man gold.
A ^^Gold ^^^^Star. *I'll show myself out.*
Hippoaddict: Umm... I don't get it
flugsibinator: During the Holocaust Jews had gold stars sewn onto their clothes to show they were Jews.
Hippoaddict: Wow, I feel stupid
flugsibinator: Don't. Everyone makes mistakes or forgets something every once in a while. It happens and makes everyone better.
Hippoaddict: Yay, now I feel magically delicious!
flugsibinator: That's going a little too far now buddy…
Hippoaddict: Oh my god... I didn't realise... I describe everything as delicious... Oh my god
flugsibinator: Don't worry. Everyone makes mistakes or forgets something every once in a while. It happens and makes everyone better.
Hippoaddict: I feel like we have created a time loop
flugsibinator: Don't worry. Everyone makes mistakes or forgets something every once in a while. It happens and makes everyone better.
Oh god, what am I doing?
Hippoaddict: Oh god, what's happening to us?!
flugsibinator: I'm gonna cry.
Hippoaddict: Have a gold star, it will make you feel better
flugsibinator: Dang it! The suspense is killing me! Did you give me gold?
Hippoaddict: Sorry, I don't have gold, I was trying to continue the joke, but I guess that didn't happen.
flugsibinator: I get it now. Now I feel stupid, but like a minute after you sent that I got gold on a different comment. It scared me.
| 24 | 511.958333 | |
1411939663 | 1411943542 | t3_2hqb0m | t5_2to41 | 14 | partn3rncrim3: TIFU by going to the casino
This actually happened yesterday. Tifu, and I told my gf I was going fishing.
I didn't though, I decided to go to the casino and play blackjack.
All was well, I was up $75 in the first 30 minutes... Then I started betting a bit bigger, hit a cold streak, and before I knew it, I was down the $75 I was up, plus the $40 I started with.
The nail in the coffin... dipping into my wallet and dropping $200 more, which were my funds for the next 2 weeks until payday. I left pissed and broke, I can't tell my gf I blew all my money... I asked my boss for an advance, he's pissed bc I just cleared an outstanding debt I've had with him since earlier this summer.
So TIFU lied to my gf, ended up broke, and pissed off myself and my boss!
partn3rncrim3: I know I fucked up bad! This was the first time I've done anything like this. I was thinking, damn it would be nice to walk out with some $, to do something nice for my gf... epic fail. I've definitely learned my lesson.
coolhandmarie: Next time bring only the cash you can afford to lose, and no bank card that could let you get more cash.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1411980292 | 1411995032 | t3_2hrun6 | t5_2to41 | 27 | throwaway2014today: TIFU, lost my job (most likely), woman I have NO interest in is in my bed, and I'm flat broke.
Work as a waiter. Co-worker offered shift, I picked it up, she never verified it online.
I call, manager tells me not to sweat it.
She never comes in or calls, but the manager has a thing for her, so no way in fuck is he holding her feet to the flames.
So its now MY no call no show, and he's saying he never told me not to come in.
So, the General Manager suspends me for a week, and he's gone on vacation til next Monday, and I can't pick up shifts or anything until we talk.
Been there a while, before the new GM came to our store.
He told us all that he doesn't care what we did before, he only cares about now.
Which means he doesn't care about a situation's circumstances, just what the handbook says.
Few coworkers got fired over being a few mins late (less than 5, in one case), just to make an example.
I do my job, and get good tips and great feedback consistently, but between my rent, car, insurance, I'm wiped out financially (my savings got wiped out helping my sister), and as of right now, I have zero money coming in.
I was depending on what I was going to make to set aside, and put gas in my car (its almost on E).
My sister won't be able to repay me for a while yet, and I've got a really bad feeling I'm going to lose my job, while broke.
My friends are living hand to mouth too, but they scraped up $ between them, and brought over weed and beer.
I was planning on going on some application / resume runs tomorrow, factories, temp services, everything. Friend slipped me 20 for gas, and they even got a pack of smokes for me. Good damn friends, but that's really the MAX they could do, I know this for sure.
But fuck, now I've got weed in my system, so I'll fail pretty much any piss test.
And even IF I pass, and start work the next few days, I won't see any $ for at least another week from whatever day I'd start, and I can't take shifts at my job, and by the time the manager comes back and I DON'T somehow get fired, the schedule for next week will already be done.
Best case scenario, I see some money, SOMEHOW, in around a week and a half.
Currently, a woman who's been interested in me is sleeping in my bed, because as I'm looking back over the last few weeks, I think how I've interacted with her has sent signals telling her I want to give her the D.
Which I do not.
She offered to help me out, but its pretty clear what's gonna have to happen.
She said as much, and went into my room, and when I went in to check, she's in my bed, lights off, clothes on floor.
I am NOT physically or otherwise attracted to her, and the prospect of doing that to get by is NOT what I want, at ALL.
Today Is Fucked Up.
[deleted]: You about to be a gigalo!
Do it! Do it! Do it!
throwaway2014today: Man, I can't, and besides, it will probably send her a message I do NOT want to send.
I've got some dignity too, so its not an option.
Masterblaste: Just take it all the way marry her, live you life in sadness but have money
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1409550621 | 1409619966 | t3_2f5ay4 | t5_2to41 | 2,185 | youhadtobethereGreg: TIFU by having unprotected sex before Marine Corps boot camp.(NSFW)
I went to Marine Corps boot camp (Parris Island) about five years ago and being 18yrs old at the time. Deciding the next 3 month would be hell I wanted to have a little fun and threw a party where I later hooked up with a girl (no condom). Fast forward that next day at the military entrance processing station (MEPS); I notice a little red dot on the top side of my penis…at the time not seeing the urgency I decide to dab some soap on it and keep it on overnight. Waking up the next day I saw no growth so I figured it would go away on its own.
So there I was the first day of boot camp “receiving week”. By about the second day I begin to have serious concerns because the dot had now grown to the size of about a half dollar. My anxiety was beyond high because I knew I couldn’t last the next 3 months with this itchy red rash growing by the day! On the day when the Drill instructor asked us does anyone need to go to medical regretfully, I sounded off along with about three other people. He went down the line asking what was wrong with each one of us, then he gets to me and to set the scene properly I want you to know a few things:
This DI was one of the biggest darkest black men I have ever seen, he had a big space between his front two teeth and when he talked he had this deep slow southern accent, where he didn’t have to yell to put fear in you. Me: An 18yr, 5’8, 130lbs, ghostly white guy from the suburbs of Rhode Island. There are about 80 guys in the room lined up on both sides of the barracks floor, SILENT all but the Drill Instructors in the area.
Getting back to the story, he comes to me and I tell him I have a rash on my groin, he looks at me funny and says and I will never forget it “SHOW ME YOUR DICK” I manage to stammer something out like “here?” and he quickly came back at me more sternly “SHOW ME YOUR DICK!”. Red faced and fumbling to undue my belt and buttons I flopped it out my inflamed red flaccid penis. The DI responds with only “YOU NASTY MUTHAFUCKA” paused then tells me form to up with the rest of the pussies. It didn’t take him long to tell all the other DI’s about me and sure enough a little while later had about 3 DI’s just laughing at me and telling me how small my dick was and all I could do was sit there and take it.
I finally made it to medical where of course I get a female doc, attractive at that. And this only stresses me out even more. When I told her what was wrong she almost had this attitude like she didn’t believe me or trust me. She advised me to pull it out and put my hands behind my back. She looked at it and said wow that’s pretty bad…I’ll prescribe you something. I won’t bore you with the rest of the story but I’ve had some other embarrassing and stressful moments but this really stuck with me through the years. Sometimes I feel like the bad luck Brian meme was made for me.
Update: Not sure exactly what it was probably some kinda ringworm or yeast infection type stuff, the Doc used a medical term I cant remember. Got some cream for it and a week later it disappeared. Spent the following week in broke dick platoon.
jockthescot1888: Put your hands behind your back?
Fuck, dude, you got a rapey face or something?
PaleWolf: Guess she needs to lean and and check it, how many assholes you think at marine boot would just shove her face into it as a "prank" for her to use t as a standard.
chem_dog: Actually no, I don't think the average Marine would be willing to rape a nurse
loveableterror: > #average Marine
You keep saying this word but I do not think you know what it means... Having been a corpsman with them, there is no such thing as an average Marine, some would do it as a joke bit the reason for the hands behind the back normally stems not from possible rape but usually to keep you from touching it and making it "artificially" inflamed. We had a guy who shaved and then would rub hand sanitizer on his face to break out intentionally to get a no shave chit. Another said his ass had a rash on it and while turning around he furiously scratched it, making it red to where we couldn't tell in a quick enough moment if it was a rash or not. Ended getting him charged with malingering after the PA had had enough of his shit.
Edit: spelling
Pure_Michigan_: Having been a corpsman? Been? No way, its been pounded into your DNA.
loveableterror: No shit. I'm in nursing school now, but I work retail to pay the bills. My boss is a marine and he calls me doc. I was 8404 for 6 years before I was injured. Still miss it
Pure_Michigan_: Civi life sucks and boring! Plus people don't understand, well everything.
loveableterror: All to true, gotta love the uncomfortable questions they ask some times too
The_Hand_of_Sithis: How many kills? What's it like? Arn't you sorry? What's all the bullshit for? I'd punch him it the face, why didn't you? I was only in a term before a heavy family emergency arose... It's taken care of, thank god everyone ok and alive, and I'm training up to go back next year...
loveableterror: Trust me, the most uncomfortable is "why are you on a cane, you're like 20 something!" I'm on a cane due to being thrown from a mortar blast and have shrapnel in my back which makes my left leg numb so I can't use it, ass-douche... Ugh I hate all the questions sometimes. I have had the "how many kills ya got"... Correct answer? Too many, asshole
Titty_Sprinkles_III: How about you do the job you signed up for, face the consequences and repercussions, and stop bitching.
loveableterror: Wait... What?
Pure_Michigan_: I think they are assuming you're bitching about being in.
loveableterror: I'm guessing so too. I wasn't bitching, just sharing an experience, and they obviously never served, everyone has their own complaints. I overall loved my service and wish I could go back, just minus getting blown up
Pure_Michigan_: Most people say that. Best family you could have!
| 16 | 136.5625 | |
1411944416 | 1412024404 | t3_2hqin8 | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU By accusing my boyfriend of cheating whilst he's out of town
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 3months and it started out great and we have never fought until this week. When I'm sober I'm chill and rational whereas sometimes I get drunk and turn into a total bitch for no reason.. I really gotta work on that.
So the first fight we had was when he went to get matching tattoos with his friend who's a girl. This upset me but I was totally cool and supportive, even offering to fund his tattoo. I had to work so they were out together. I decided when I got off work that I would take this opportunity to see my friends since I've been spending so much time with my bf and hadn't seen them in like a month. We were texting and when he found out I was with one of my guy friends who he doesn't trust, he got angry so I got angry. It took a day or 2 but we reconciled.
Second fight: I'm out with my friends again because he's out with his and he says he wants to meet up that night. I've had about 15 martinis at this point and keep asking him where he is because it's getting late. I get angry and drunkenly dump him. The next morning when I read the texts I immediately apologize and admit I was being totally ridiculous. We make up, all is good.
Third fight: It's his birthday so I go all out and get him everything he asked for (I had been taking notes ever since we started dating whenever he said he liked something or something was his favorite food etc) Birthday goes super well but at the end of the night he says he's going over to said friend who is a girl's house and that she only wants it to be him, I'm not invited. I got pissed and he said he expected that reaction so he actually just went home and went to bed. Whatever.
So this weekend he goes back home for a buddy's wedding and before he leaves we spend the evening together and everything is great. When we say goodbye he asks me not to cheat on him to which I tell him he's crazy and I can't believe he thinks he needs to say that.
Then yesterday we hadn't talked all day and what do I do... get drunk and start texting him. When he doesn't respond I call him a player and tell him to stop being so jealous of me. I end up passing out at 11:30p after trying to call him. The next morning he tells me to fuck off and that now he'll never trust me. He thinks I said that and went to fool around with somebody else. Gah maybe I have a drinking problem....
lord_sherlock_holmes: First off, the guy is a douche. Who the hell wants to blow off their GF to go hang with another girl that doesn't want her around? And expects her to be OK with it? It seems like most redditors will side with the guy on this one, but both have issues and should not be together. OP needs to get her shizz together and lay off all the booze, apparently she can't handle it. The dude just needs to give up trying to have a GF if his main interest lies in said female friend. No stand up guy would treat his GF that way unless it was a casual relationship. Having a girl is all fine and dandy, even encouraged, but OPs BF went too far. Should have been a 2 way street to begin with. He gets mad when OP saw a male friend after not seeing him in a few months? really? and he thinks it's ok for him to act like that with his "other" GF? OP also needs to grow the hell up...if you can break up with someone, drunk or not, then you shouldn't be with said person. If the relationship was solid and worth saving, the words "we're done" never leave the lips.
SexyGardenGnome: Totally disagree... OP not seeing a male friend for a few months could cause a bit of confusion. If they're such good friends, why not?
BF doesn't need to get rid of one of his best friends just because he's in a relationship. The other girl doesn't want this crazy shit around because it's juvenile and ridiculous and she's probably looking out for a good friend. Just because he has a female friend doesn't make him a douche. He's a douche because he cheated on his last girlfriend to get with OP and they are both train wrecks.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Never said he should get rid of his friend...having friends of both sexes is good for the soul. However, the fact his friend doesnt want his real GF around is a red flag and he needs to evaluate where he stands. Either he is in a real relationship and his supposed friends accept his GF or he dumps the GF. He never should have tried to ditch his GF to go over to another girls house, after what OP said she did for his birthday. That was just plain ass tacky. As for your point about her not seeing her friends, "why not"? If you read the paragraph, OP plainly stated " I decided when I got off work that I would take this opportunity to see my friends since I've been spending so much time with my bf and hadn't seen them in like a month". She clearly stated why she hadnt seen her friends, btw she never stated "good" friends, just friends. So the way I see it, here are all the red flags I see from both of them:
BF - 1. gets matching tattoos with another girl, not in and of itself, but because he clearly spends alot of time with her alone. 2. Got insanely angry when she went out with a male friend, among others (she stated friends not friend), because he was out with his "girl" friend. 3. Asks her not to cheat on him when, from what I can gather, OP has not shown any inclination to do
GF - 1. Drinks excessively to point of personality changes 2. Can break up at the drop of a hat, over not responding to a text message of all things 3. Fixated on BF to the point of ignoring her friends
And I still don't know where everyone got the BF cheated on his ex to be with OP, unless that has been edited out of the original post
SexyGardenGnome: She mentioned it in a comment. And I mostly agree with you, but you called him a douche for hanging with a good friend on his birthday. I think what GF did for his birthday was nice, however she's known this guy for 3 months! They're are both douchebags in my opinion. I'm assuming (hoping) they are early twenties, cuz this shit is nutty.
lord_sherlock_holmes: Agreed this shizz is nutty!
| 6 | 2.833333 | |
1409551208 | 1409553905 | t3_2f5bmd | t5_2to41 | 11 | seahawksguy97: TIFU by coming home drunk
This actually happened last night but I couldn't post. So I'm a senior in high school and went to a party and got pretty drunk(still could walk and talk but was kind of slow). Got home 45 minutes past curfew went straight to bed. A minute later Dad comes rushing into the room. My Dad is an African Christian who tries to raise me the way he was brought up(very strict). He makes me stand up and talk to him and he said he could smell it on my breath. He pushes me on the bed in anger and the bed frame breaks. Waking my little brother of 14 up. Later Dad made me take a drug test which I passed. I get taken to the living room where I got the feeling to throw up so my little brother grabs a bucket for me and I threw up a few times in front of my Mom,Dad and little brother. I got my punishment today and it basically ruined my senior year but I've been getting caught with everything under sun from cigars to lsd I've become numb to the punishments and such. Sorry if this was all over the place its my first post. I now have a story to tell my therapist tomorrow haha
[deleted]: Got caught on LSD? This shouldn't be too bad... Right??
seahawksguy97: Thats what I thought but my Dad usually takes his two weeks then things should start getting back to normal
createanewaccountuse: At least he doesn't send you back to Africa (cause I don't know which country he hails from). No me, but my cousin used to be in a Texan gang. My aunt took him shopping in Ciudad Juarez (across from El Paso, Tx). On the other side were a few of our uncles waiting. He hung out with them because my aunt was doing some clothes shopping. Unbeknownst to him, she returned to Texas with his passport. My uncles took him down to the family ranch in southern Mexico. It was either hard manual labor or wise up and get educated. After a few months they allowed him to return home. He came back leaner and more respectful. Later he got his shit together and got an engineering degree from some top Texan school (don't remember).
Shiitake_Overlord: I love this story. This is amazing! Sometimes family really does know best...
createanewaccountuse: Well, our parents didn't bust their asses for nothing. Parents fled different hardships (south american dictatorships, lack of jobs, ect) to give us a life they could only dream of. Of course they'd be pissed. Many kids (not just white kids but 1st/2nd generation immigrants) aren't exposed to the hardships their parents hailed from. Which I find quite sad. But yeah, it was pretty funny to hear when I went to visit.
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1411865393 | 1411917362 | t3_2hnsaw | t5_2to41 | 39 | Kasuaman: TIFU by Doing my mum a favor
SO this 1) is my first post on reddit and 2) didn't happen today. So not a true *T*IFU. Regardless. Story time.
So I was about 14 when this happened and I was a little computer wiz (for my age) and my mother didnt know shit. She had a file that she some how lost and she told me to go through her documents while she made dinner. Now the funny thing about my mother's "Documents" folder was that she had like like 500 word documents and a few thousand power points being a college student that never deleted anything. So i decided to order everything by Date so the newest things would hit the top. Boom found the file. I should have stopped there right? No...
So out of boredom i start snooping through her stuff and found an unlabeled folder. Stupidly I open it. Within it I found 69 photos of my mother's sexual adventures. Now the ones that grabbed my attention were the ones where my, proudly straight and homophobic mother, donning a strap on and mounting another woman from behind. The worst part of all of this was that the time stamp on it was from the prior weekend that my mother said she was going out with her church group...
After that my mother called me down for dinner and wondered why I couldn't, and still cant, make eye contact. Hell she even threw a hissy fit because I wanted to invite one of my lesbian friends over (friends older sister who was 18 and loved to whoop my ass at SSBM on the gamecube. I guess I was the only guy that didn't want her).
But yeah.. Hope you enjoyed that.... Thanks for having me Reddit!
poohspiglet: >After that my mother called me down for dinner and wondered why I couldn't, and still cant, make eye contact.
How long ago was this? You're never going to forgive her?
Kasuaman: It lasted for a while because she would always judge my gay friends but I moved out so I hardly think about it now.
refuse_human: Hardly?
Kasuaman: What do ya mean "Hardly?"
Was talking to a friend about fuck ups so i figured i should post it on reddit. TIFU is my favorite sub reddit :)
refuse_human: > What do ya mean "Hardly?"
Trying to figure out what your statement "[...] I hardly think about it now." means in the context of your decision to post a few hundred words about an event (which, presumably, occurred some years ago) at this time.
Surely you can see where, in the public acknowledgement of your mother's predilection for phallic prosthetics, this might strike an armchair psychology major dropout as an... interesting... choice of adverbs.
So please, do tell us more about your mum - when you think back on the experience of doing her a favor, how does *that* make you *feel*?
Kasuaman: Hmmm.. I guess at the time I felt disgusted with my mother and what not but even now it bothers me because I think how my mother might react to my sexuality. I am a 18 year old pan-sexual male (No thats not because of my mother... Thats because.. Well thats another story) But I guess it made me feel even less wanted by mother then I already was...
Did I just have a psychology session with a redditer?
refuse_human: > Did I just have a psychology session with a redditer?
Yes, perfectly confidential.
Now you've got one for *T*IFU!
Kasuaman: I don't know how to feel right now xD
Um.. Thanks for the emotional clarity I guess! lol
| 9 | 4.333333 | |
1411983730 | 1412086283 | t3_2hrxc2 | t5_2to41 | 212 | swimmingpandas: TIFU by putting Monster in my coffee
I was in my afternoon slump, sleepy but wanting to finish playing Last of Us for the first time. I've never had Monster before but I needed to finish the game before taking it back to Redbox (can only afford so much redbox, I'd been at this for a day and half already). Next thing I know it's wee morning and I'm in bed next to my sleeping boyfriend, watching tv trying to cope with this game. Suddenly it hits my exhausted mind, I killed all those people with stories and the relationship of Joel and Ellie was so powerful I understand what the game hype was talking about, and the pent up caffeinated energy pushed my emotions to waterfall into sudden, loud sobs and hyperventilating. He shoots up ready to kill, "What's wrong? What happened?" I uncontrollably cry for a few seconds before choking out the most pitiful, "Don't die," and passing out from emotional distress. He's pretty sure now that I'm crazy
Tl;dr: Too much caffeine/video games = waking the bf up with emotional horror
no_shits_to_give: At least you can get an effect from Monster/coffee. I need to drink two Monsters and have a shot of espresso just to be functional. Just enjoy not having a tolerance to caffeine.
notsocreative3001: Do you think you'd be able to lay off the caffeine and tear down that tolerance while still function like a normal human being? (Serious question)
no_shits_to_give: it's an addiction, and I am being serious. I can go about 16-24hrs without caffeine, but any longer than that and I begin to feel lethargic, apathetic, grouchy. As easy as it may sound to lay off caffeine to some people, it is extremely difficult for me. It's weird, after waking up, I eat breakfast and relax for a little bit and get ready for work, but about an hour and a half of being awake the urge for a caffeinated beverage kicks in. I could probably kick it with enough will power but the urge isn't really there to do so.
ZodiacX: If it helps any, this is not nearly as far gone as one of my buds who used to suffer from evening withdrawal headaches. Just do as /u/B_G_L said and plan on cutting it for a weekend, that should help begin to set things back.
NotACompleteDumbass: If I go more than 12 hours without caffeine, I get a soul crushing headache
Bradthedutch: You can help get over the headaches by swishing and spitting a mouthful of coffee.
NotACompleteDumbass: Really? I would have never thought of that, thank you!
| 8 | 26.5 | |
1409553016 | 1409561602 | t3_2f5dkm | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting extremely drunk and puking in front of my crush.
So this happened yesterday but whatever.. i got extremely drunk, made out with i guy whose name i cant remember and puked all over my friends.
They had to carry me like a baby, the guy i like drove me home and i dont know if i confessed my crush or said some crap about watching porn and being horny.
This is my first post so dont be cruel. Btw if you have any ideas for a funny way of thanking them for taking care of me, suggestions are accepted.
createanewaccountuse: Booze bouquet and a thank you card.
michiganmade88: ^ good call may also want to include a "no judgement favor card" for each of them to redeem when they need to.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409553613 | 1409597053 | t3_2f5e6w | t5_2to41 | 30 | Tebulus: TIFU by revealing my fake eye to a customer
Back story: I was diagnosed with retinoblastoma as a child and had my eye removed and replaced with a prosthetic. Now, twenty years in the future, Im a computer tech working in a repair shop, and a customer asked me why my eye "seemed stuck" during a dispute on a service order. I'm a smart man, and good at my job, and this particular customer was angry because she was charged additional labor during a windows virus cleanup because we had to remove a rootkit name zero day. Basically, her home business PC was compromised by this virus, and it required a lot of my time to fix. I ended up charging the maximum amount our service agreement allowed which was three hours of labor, which comes nowhere near closer to the real account of time I spent cleaning the machine and making sure it functioned properly. About 300.00 USD. Her argument was, my eye seemed inconsistent and my judgment is impaired, and therefore my work was shoddy, and thus, we were trying to take advantage of her by leveraging my disability against her word. My boss offered the customer a full refund, chewed Me out for doing bad work in front of this customer and then "reduced my hours" also in front of her as a way to recoup the loss. Needless to say I was frustrated, and was feeling stressed out. My boss then approached me near the end of the day, said he was really sorry to do that and he valued me as a technician, and said sometimes customers need to be babied to make money. This hurt, but it makes sense. Is this justified, and did I really fuck up? Either way it still hurts, and I'm feeling it.
kylekornkven: Did he stick with the "reduced your hours" plan after she left? Because if he did then he is a giant dick.
sukinsyn: It sounds like he did.
| 3 | 10 | |
1411983257 | 1412070049 | t3_2hrwxy | t5_2to41 | 133 | DVIcm: TIFU by learning how to masturbate (NSFW)
Obviously this is from a long time ago back when I was in junior high. I was starting 7th grade and just learned how to masturbate. I was in the shower and found out that shampoo worked great to rub my hand up and down my dick. I moved from this and decided to start masturbating at night in my bed with the shampoo. It felt great but being a stupid teenager just learning about masturbation I made a fatal mistake and didn't wash off the shampoo that night. The next morning I left for a week long summer camp. My dick felt a little dry that morning but I didn't think anything of it. By the 2 day into my summer camp, my dick was more chapped than any chapped lips that I have ever had in my life. My skin was peeling off and I was bleeding from my dick. I was too embarrassed to ask for any help from anyone and for the rest of the week filled with hikes and activities, I had a chapped bleeding dick that was rubbing raw inside my jeans. I fucking learned my lesson. That is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies.
The boners hurt the worst. Fucking tore my skin off every time I got one....which was a lot seeing as how I was at summer camp with other girls at 13 years old.
TL;DR I masturbated with shampoo and was gifted with a chapped dick.
Yoekeyo: Probably should've used HEAD and shoulders.
ShareTheSameSky: Or Glory-el
vindictiiv: Suave man Suave.
Ghosttwo: Whacks Body Wash.
| 5 | 26.6 | |
1411984905 | 1412045870 | t3_2hryb1 | t5_2to41 | 13 | IAmNotBread: TIFU by going to class
So, at this point, we're about four weeks into the second semester of my politics degree. I'm well prepared, got all my notes looking sweet and have been on top of all of my work so far. Well, bar one subject: economics.
To me, economics is confusing. I'm submitting assignments about market economies, going to lectures about market economies; but in tutorials, the guy seems obsessed with globalisation. He's going on about globalisation and the economy, and I'm not exactly having fun. But I'm prepared for every tute, and he seems pleased with my progress, even if I am stumbling through this course.
This one day, though, we're discussing our group projects. I'm keen to get started, to actually apply some knowledge for once. As the guy stands infront of the class, he says we're doing a great job in globalisation 1101.
Globalisation 1101.
Sweat begins to bead on my forehead, my eyes transfixed on my clammy hands. I think back to the first day of class, and how I walked into my tutorial, sleeplessly following the crowds of first year students zombie-facedly stumbling around. Because this is not ECON1103. This is not the class I'm enrolled in.
Panicked, I ask the girl next to me if she can help. As I explain the situation, I'm getting more and more stuttery, and she's beginning to look at me like I've just given birth to an army of clowns. She informs me, as I'd suspected, I'm in the wrong tutorial for the wrong class.
Four weeks, four tutorials and eight lectures, and I didn't put this together. I was blissfully unaware. I fucked up.
Tl;dr, turns out I've been going to the wrong tutorials for a month.
Precursor2552: Your a poli sci major learn to bullshit and lie your way through it.
Darkenmal: I am an inspector and your teaching skills are far below average... although if you tell me where the Econ 1103 lecture and tutorial is I will forget all about this.
*twirls moustache*
| 3 | 4.333333 | |
1411920309 | 1411964929 | t3_2hpea1 | t5_2to41 | 744 | OrganicDanceMachine: TIFU by talking shit during a moment of silence
Alright, flashback to high school. It was a hockey game between our school and our biggest rivals (we'll call them Ricker's Academy, or RA for short). As the players are skating out onto the ice, they all line up. My friend nudges me and remarks about how much smaller RA's team is than ours. Getting into the spirit of school rivalry, I reply, "Fucking RA kids, what did you expect?" Now because I was focusing my attention on my friend instead of the action on the ice, I had failed to notice that a moment of silence was being announced for two RA kids who had died in a car crash the week before. So basically its this really poignant silence for two high school kids who had just lost their lives, and what does everyone around me hear? "Fucking RA kids, what did you expect?" Literally EVERYONE around me turns and just looks at me, no words exchanged. Needless to say that was the last hockey game I attended in high school.
roytheshort: > Literally EVERYONE
Even I turned around. I wasn't even there.
Dragonman66: So that's why I turned around randomly that one time
KoD123455: turn arouuuuund
yomandenver: >turn arouuuuund
Minihood1997: Every now and then I fall apaaart
Minihood1997: And I need to hold you tight!
And I need you more than eva
lolodotkoli: AAaaaaaannnnnndd I Wil always loooove you!
Vesper_Martini: I think you got the wrong song dude.
| 9 | 82.666667 | |
1411987157 | 1411988602 | t3_2hs04o | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by having a dog.
**CONTEXT:**
A while ago I had ordered a product from eBay and the shipping took so long that I forgot I had ordered it.
**FU:**
So as the title suggests I have a dog. He is a [Shih Tzu] (http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/images25/ShihTzuMuffiimperialPrincessTypeRuntDogTeaCupPuppy1.jpg) (not that one) but thinks he is a [rottweiler] (data:image/jpeg;base64,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). So I am browsing reddit and then I hear my dog giving out his usual groan. I go to take him outside not realizing the postwoman is right there. Now, my dog hates anyone who comes onto our property. He will try to bite them. So I let him out and as I am about to put on his lead he goes running up, I hear a scream then I see the postwoman flailing her leg about with my dog attached to her kneecap. I pull the dog off and I apologize copiously. She immediately *throws* me my package and leaves immediately. I give the post office flowers and chocolates to give to her and an apology letter. I am just glad that she was okay and my dog hasn't been put down or a dangerous dog warning on our house.
EDIT: Formatting
idamnedit: Yes this is a fuck up. You seriously need to get your dog trained. That behavior is unacceptable.
dohdoh64: Yeah we are training him.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409555031 | 1409560044 | t3_2f5fmg | t5_2to41 | 8 | samdog_millionaire: TIFU By Manscaping
So like most TIFU's this was not today but last year. I was doing some regular grooming with the scissors when I dropped them. Me thinking it was a good idea to try catch them, with the slightest grasp upon the scissors the momentum from my arm carried the scissors further and harder down, along my leg. I now have a 4 Inch scar starting at my knee going down my calf. The worst part was explaining to my parents and asking for a ride to the doctors. Required Stitches.
tldr ; Manscaping, dropped scissors slicing of the leg ensued.
Kejjeh: Look on the bright side: It could have been your dick.
samdog_millionaire: Always a bright side .
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1411988081 | 1412015831 | t3_2hs0x3 | t5_2to41 | 39 | dohdoh64: TIFU by having a dog.
**CONTEXT:**
A while ago I had ordered a product from eBay and the shipping took so long that I forgot I had ordered it.
**FU:**
So as the title suggests I have a dog. He is a [Shih Tzu](http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/images25/ShihTzuMuffiimperialPrincessTypeRuntDogTeaCupPuppy1.jpg) (not that one) but thinks he is a [rottweiler] (http://i.imgur.com/GMu5dcS.jpg). So I am browsing reddit and then I hear my dog giving out his usual groan. I go to take him outside not realizing the postwoman is right there. Now, my dog hates anyone who comes onto our property. He will try to bite them. So I let him out and as I am about to put on his lead he goes running up, I hear a scream then I see the postwoman flailing her leg about with my dog attached to her kneecap. I pull the dog off and I apologize copiously. She immediately *throws* me my package and leaves immediately. I give the post office flowers and chocolates to give to her and an apology letter. I am just glad that she was okay and my dog hasn't been put down or a dangerous dog warning on our house.
javaski: I'm pretty sure your fuck up was letting your (aggressive) dog out of the house without a leash on.
dohdoh64: He is not usually aggressive. I let him out with his collar on and his leash is right outside the door. The leash is attached to a pole outside my house that doesnt let him get out of the property. The FU was not looking up.
javaski: > He is not usually aggressive.
> > Now, my dog hates anyone who comes onto our property. He will try to bite them.
I'm going to go with, your dog is aggressive.
dohdoh64: Reading Hydra_Dominatus' comment I believe the word I was looking for was "protective".
painfulcircus: Bullshit, if that had been a big dog you would be dealing with a much different situation. Why is it that so many small breed owners act like it's fine to let their 'harmless' animal endanger others. I've seen children attached at restaurants and the dog owners blame the kid, cooing to the dig that it's a 'good little hunter.' Either train your dog correctly or don't bring it out in public. You are a lazy piece of shit.
Iforonewillnot: As the owner of a "scary" Belgian Malinois- I second this.
There have been way too many times I have been bitten in the ankles by my family members' chihuahuas and other little dogs and they laugh it off as "playing." I guarantee if my Mal "play bites" anyone, she'll be labeled dangerous, even if she's instinctually herding people by nipping ankles.
I spent a lot of time and money on training to avoid this situation. Little dog owners seem less responsible to me because I rarely see them hiring dog trainers or punishing bad behavior.
| 7 | 5.571429 | |
1411983183 | 1412041659 | t3_2hrww4 | t5_2to41 | 8 | obliviousblue: TIFU by being over-analytical, completely oblivious and missed out on sexy texting.
This happened about 2 hours ago and I'm still cringing as I type this.
There's a girl I met online a little over two weeks ago named Sara. Now we haven't met in person yet, mainly because of work things popping up and trips, but we plan to meet very soon. So for now, we've just been texting each other. Anyway, back to tonight. Here we are texting back and forth just talking about random things and what not. I'm at work, it's a really slow night, and she's at her apartment getting ready for bed. As time goes on and after many messages, the conversation starts to sorta slow down. (I don't know how to explain or format what happens next, so I'll just write out the text messages and what I'm thinking as I read the messages.)
___
Me: Whats on your mind?
Sara: I'm horny again .-/
>^(She's saying it to me again. Don't screw up again like last week acting like you didn't see what she said and changed the subject. Keep her in the mood.)
Me: You're Mike again.
Me: Do you live alone?
>^(WTF did I just say Zach? keep her in the mood! She won't remember that terrible joke from earlier.)
Sara: I do
Sara: Mike?
Me: Me time all the time then.
Me: Missing an eye.
Sara: Hahaha
Sara: Oh
> ^(Well at least she remembered the joke, sorta)
Sara: For a second I was like??
Sara: He's not just into girls?
> ^(facepalm)
Me: It was a corny joke.
Sara: It's adorable
4 minutes pass
> ^(I wonder what she meant by, "he's not just into girls?." Ohhhh, she thought I was pretending she was Mike. Darn I'm slow. I will let her know this.)
Me: Wow, I'm slow
Sara: No you're not
Sara: You're sweet
> ^(Hmm, when I said I was slow, she must have thought I was referring to the fact that she was horny and wanted me to join in. I'm not that slow. I knew what she wanted from the moment she said horny. How do I let her know what I really meant without saying too much? Hurry, you're taking too much time!)
3 minutes have passed
Me: Are you just saying that?
Sara: Nope
Sara: I mean it all
Sara: I am the bad one here
> ^(I still have no idea how to word what I meant when I said I was slow, so I'll just tell her that. She cannot keep thinking I was slow about her being horny and that I should join in. That's not what I meant! It's important she know!)
Me: I'm trying to say something, can't figure out how to word it
Sara: :-)
Me: Earlier when I said Mike, you thought I was into guys also, that's what I meant by slow.
Me: You thought I was slow about something else didn't you?
Sara: No
Me: Ok
> ^(Well fudge. It wasn't important. I was wrong about it all. I have to stop over-analyzing this crap, and get her back in the mood)
Sara: I'm confused
Me: I know
> ^(Skims over previous texts. Yea, none of that shit made sense without the context of what I was actually thinking)
Sara: I'm slow now
Me: not at all
Sara: I think I just have a dirtier mind, that's all
Me: And why do you think that?
Me: I think you just express it more
Sara: Because I always bring stuff like that up
Sara: That too
Me: But still, dirtier?
Me: Don't think you can really answer that until we know each other in person.
> ^(Zach, what the fuck are you texting. Just stop. Ok?! ok.)
Sara: I dunno
Sara: I could be very wrong I guess
Sara: Well
Sara: Here's what I'll do.
Sara: Hold off all judgements like that until further review--joking and serious
> ^(Now I think I said something wrong. Say something nice quick!)
Me: Oh, I don't mind really
Me: I like hearing what you think and the things you say about me
Sara: I can still be totally inaccurate
Sara: :-)
Me: I still like it.
> ^(There we go. Keep it short and sweet. What do I say now?)
3 minutes pass
> ^(Fudge, I can't find and words right now. I know, just say that!)
Me: I'm terrible with words right now
Me: Sorry
Sara: I want to put my mouth on you
> ^(◉_◉ well I was not expecting that. She's back in the mood. I must say something clever back, but what?)
3 minutes pass
> ^(I should just give up now. Still have nothing. Just tell her what you would want her to do.)
Me: I would want you to
Me: I wish I weren't working right now
> ^(Yea, a crappy line, but at least it comes off as dirty. And making it sound like you would want to be with her if you weren't working can be worked off of. Say what you would want to^do^to .....WAIT, WAIT......she wasn't being dirty by saying she actually wanted to put her mouth on me. She meant it as in giving her mouth to me so I wouldn't be terrible with words and so I would know what to say. Quick, say something to make her think you weren't being dirty.)
.00005 seconds pass
Me: I wish I knew what to say more
Sara: You're not making sense again...:-)
> ^(Yea, that made no fucking sense, Zach. And STOP saying "I wish.")
Sara: I need to sleep. Text you later
Sara: Night night!
Me: I know, functioning on 3 hours of sleep since Friday night
Me: Goodnight!
Sara: Okay :-))
> ^(Zach. You're pathetic. You failed. She ran off as quick as a girl being followed in a dark alley. But don't beat yourself up. You just need practice, and a lot of it! You know you don't have any experience, but she doesn't need to know that! That is if she hasn't figured it out already.)
3 minutes go by
> ^(She wasn't being dirty right? She really wanted to give me her mouth so I wouldn't be at a loss for words. Yea, no way she was being dirty. I had ruined the mood long before when I tried to explain what I was "slow about". No way was she gonna give me another chance tonight.)
2 minutes later
> ^(I wonder if I should tell her what I meant. That what I said may have sounded dirty but that I didn't mean for it to sound that way....NO! You know what happened last time you tried to explain yourself. Forget all this happened and start new tomorrow.)
6 minutes pass
Me: I just realized that came out really dirty
Sara: Which part?
Me: About wanting you to put your mouth on me
Sara: That's the point
> ^(So she was giving me another chance)
Sara: Bedtime for me, Zach
Sara: Zack?
Me: Zach
Sara: Yes.
Sara: Thank you
> ^(Well... you fucking retard. You aren't allowed to think anymore tonight. )
___
So there you have it. I usually over-analyze everything but tonight, I just took it to a whole new level. And I think I may change my middle name to Oblivious. A girl could be standing naked in front of me telling me she wants me to put my penis in her, and I would still think she meant something else.
TIFU also by not having a battery in my laptop. I was half way through writing this post and my power cable came unplugged. So I of course ended having to write everything over again.
imacyber: wow this is was a pretty bad fuckup. Are you this bad in person?
Yes, more practice :)
PS: tell us how your recovery goes! Here's a quick line for you to work with: "I get a bit derpy when tired, I've been restless thinking about you..."
GO FORTH!
obliviousblue: In person, no. I mean, I'm not great, but it comes off more as being slightly awkward than being completely retarded. Plus in person, I have no time to over analyze, so I definitely don't have time to go through all those scenarios I did while texting. I just am not that clever honestly. Everything i say is pretty simple. More of an actions guy than a word guy.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1409911662 | 1410020230 | t3_2fje5w | t5_2to41 | 3,228 | [deleted]: TIFU by throwing my girlfriend down the stairs.
My girlfriend came over to my house, three days ago, to celebrate our 8 months of being together. I live in a relatively shitty 2 bedroom apartment. I was watching a movie with her on the couch, downstairs, with my parents. (I'm 18 and my parents are pretty chill, so I'm staying, rent-free, until I get on my feet.) My girlfriend decides it would be a good idea to head upstairs and hang out. Of course, I agree to it.
I head into the kitchen to get a drink before going upstairs when I decide it'd be romantic-as-fuck to carry her piggyback up the stairs. I've done it before, so why not? I'm a pretty large guy, being about 6'0 and 250 lbs. (She's about 5'2 and 115 lbs.) She jumps on my back and I carry her up 14 stairs. I make it to about the 5th stair when she gets playful and starts bouncing on my back. It's cute, nothing I can't handle. Her foot then proceeds to hit me spot-on in the right testicle, about 3 times. I've only got maybe 2 more steps at this point, so I'm like, "Baby, please stop. You're kicking me in the...") Before I could utter the last word, she lost her grip slightly, and clinched my shoulders. Both of her feet kicked me simultaneously in my balls and my body just nope'd, letting go of her and sending her down 13 steps.
To my horror, I turned around to see my lovely girlfriend at the bottom half crying, half laughing. My stepmother is losing her shit, trying to help her out, while my dad is speechless, wondering how I managed to toss such a fragile girl down almost an entire flight of stairs. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day apologizing and pampering her, though she admits it was her fault, having kicked me in my genitals. I think this is a proper milestone on the path to growing as a couple.
Tl;dr I carried my girlfriend upstairs, got kicked in the balls, and threw her down 13 steps. She is okay.
doctorish: I should be reading TIFU by kicking my bf in the balls when he was carrying me.
gcamgoz: Definitely! Ladies, never kick your loved ones in their balls while they are carrying you up the stairs. This should be the ultimate moral of this TIFU. I don't really think there is anything OP could've done differently. I feel you, OP. It's not your fault.
OliStabilize: As a general rule, don't kick your loved ones in the genitals regardless of the current activity. Unless of course he is into that and has a safe word set up.
In which case. Get a good run up. You kinky bastards.
thatoneguy172: Mississippi, It may be long, but it doesn't sound like anything else!
sederts: Emma come first
I come next
Two asses come together
I come again
Two asses come together once more
I Pee twice
I come last
That's how you spell Mississippi
youareanassmaggot: *gasp!* I don't know how you Italians speak in your native country, but here in America we keep such vulgarities to ourselves!
EDIT: As a person with an Italian *family* last name, I'm allowed to say that.
Mithoran: I did not know 'maggot' was Italian...
youareanassmaggot: Big crime family, too!
| 9 | 358.666667 | |
1409561415 | 1409578362 | t3_2f5lpt | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by playing Pokemon
Okay, so my fiancee was supposed to come over to my house today because I was going to go take her to a movie. She lives about 20 minutes away, and the movie we were supposed to see started at 4:15, which was in about 40 minutes. I figured “cool, I’ll just play Pokemon while I wait”.
So I’m playing Pokemon, and having a pretty damn good time. Anyway, she finally does show up, except she’s crying as she walks into my room. Instead of doing the right thing by comforting her, I half-focus on my game and her. She starts telling me her cat died, and just as she was getting into it, I get into a random encounter in my game.
A shiny pidgey. Holy shit. (For those of you who don’t know/care, shiny Pokemon have less than a 1/1,000 chance of appearing; 1/8192 to be exact.). I stare into my screen in amazement, yelling “holy shit, YES”, interrupting her mid-story. She sobs more, and she starts to yell “You don’t even fucking care! YOU JUST WANT TO PLAY YOUR FUCKING GAME!” I’m still looking at my screen, still focusing on catching my shiny Pidgey, when she walks over, and tosses the game against the wall. I run over and pick up my DS hoping that nothing has changed on screen, and quickly noticed that she broke it. My system and my shiny Pidgey, gone forever.
I start screaming every obscenity I know, and started flailing my arms around. I didn’t know she was behind me, and apparently I backhanded her in the face while I was being a dumbass and swinging my fists around. She yells out “FUCK YOU”, and runs out of my house in tears.
What have I done? I’ve fucked up so badly, and I need to know how to approach her. I don’t want a game of Pokemon to be responsible for ruining my best relationship ever.
Tl;dr A shiny Pidgey may have destroyed my only chance at marriage.
Raiden_Gekkou: [Nice copypasta](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/shiny-pidgey).
onaretrotip: Ah-ha. Rumbled!
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411991084 | 1412029575 | t3_2hs3m2 | t5_2to41 | 3 | kiba9: TIFU by coming to terms with myself.
lord_sherlock_holmes: ima guess that you get cheated on because there is no sex going on, not necessarily right, but that's just the way it is. A vast majority of 20 yr old folks want to get out there and experience variety before settling down. This much I can guarantee, if you don't try it before you buy, you may come to regret it. I've known a few guys and gals who waited until they were married and they ALL ended up regretting it because they found out they were not sexually compatible with their new spouses. While not a end all, it goes along way in maintaining your relationship.
kiba9: I understand that now. It's just that now I don't even know where to start or how to talk to girls anymore.
| 3 | 1 | |
1411989786 | 1412020234 | t3_2hs2dp | t5_2to41 | 6 | Agity: TIFU by going fishing
A couple of years ago my partner and were on holidays and decided to go down to the jetty to do some fishing before dinner. So anyway I catch a tiny baitfish and I am bringing it in when I get this mighty pull on my fishing rod and my reel starts peeling off line. When I get my first look at this monster I find out that it’s not a fish but a Dolphin. It hasn’t swallowed the hook and is holding the bait fish in its mouth sideways and grinning at me in a trollface like manner. I say to my partner to grab the knife and next time Flipper comes close we will cut the line. The last thing I wanted was for the dolphin to get tangled up in the line and hurt (they show the pictures at most fishing spots of what left behind fishing line does to marine life).
Little did I know though, that this playful fish thief was local tourist attraction who used to come to the jetty every night on sundown to be fed. So I am standing there waiting for Flipper to come close so I can cut the line when all these people start arriving for feeding time. Instead of it getting closer it is zinging from side to side, at no time coming closer than about 10 metres. My stress levels were starting to rise because people are beginning to notice the mighty bend in my rod and the amount of line I am losing. They even started to try to guess what species of behemoth I was trying to land. I was just hoping that I could cut Flipper off before the bystanders realise that I have caught the Dolphin they have come down to feed.
Then it happens, I hear my partner say “Oh no, you have to be kidding” and I turn around to see what she is stunned disbelief at. A whole wedding party have just stepped onto the jetty to get their photo taken feeding my fiendish flipper. I start praying to Poseidon to please bring this mongrel mammal closer so I can cut my line and run for my car. As I am praying this cherub like page boy all dressed in his white tux looking like some evil formal child of the corn stands beside me. His eye immediately zeroes in on flipper and traces the line back to my rod in my quivering hands. Immediately announces to the world in a voice so much louder than such a tiny body should be able to produce, “Mummy, Mummy! That man has caught the Dolphin!”.
Instantly what feels like ten thousand sets of eyes burn into the back of my head and I hear the increasing murmurings of “disgraceful, should be ashamed and let the poor thing go”. I make the decision to let flipper swallow the rest of the line and go back to briny hell and tell my partner to quickly cut the line. She does so in one fell swoop and we scurry to the car park with our gear trying to avoid what feels like five thousand sets judging eyes.
TL;DR by trying to avoid a Dolphin getting tangled in fishing line I made a whole wedding hate me.
smashbrosfan: Jeeze dude, why in the heck would you go fishing for dolphin? Your such a disgrace man. Just wow. Im speechless bruh. That's some low level sheit man. DANG
Agity: I don't know, they put up a good fight and they might taste ok. Kinda like fishy pork maybe?
smashbrosfan: YUM
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1409554598 | 1409585175 | t3_2f5f6n | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by learning that glass is sharp.
As a child you are always told to be careful of broken glass, and now I know why. The other day I was practicing my routine frustrated pondering of life while pacing around my house. I happen to have the tendency to absentmindedly do things such as lightly drum on tables, tap my feet, or various other random things that help me concentrate while I'm trying to think. This particular time I was, for no reason whatsoever, smacking the wall as I walked around my house. I was absolutely not paying any a attention to my surroundings as usual, and I manage to smack my window with more than enough force to shatter it completely. My first reaction is to freak out at the fact that this mistake was going to cost me a couple hundred dollars. Then, as I am trying to maneuver my barefoot self around the shattered glass on the floor, I notice that a substantial amount of blood is covering my hand and was dripping onto the floor. I look down at my palm to see glass shards covering my hand and a fairly large cut next to my thumb. Thankfully I was able get all of the glass out of my hand and treat the cuts with basic first aid supplies. Let this serve as lesson to always remember to not punch windows, because the window will always win.
TL;DR- Was an absentminded idiot and punched a window by mistake. Ended up with a couple hundred in repairs and a cut up hand.
Boomkin1337: Don't EVER punch windows. Punch Mac OS instead.
EnigmaticHuman: If you provide the Mac I will gladly oblige.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411546377 | 1411596404 | t3_2hb95m | t5_2to41 | 25 | bronyarse: TIFU by being drunk at 7am
This happened at the weekend. After a long week of work and house renovations, I was sinking in to the idea of a large glass of drunk. Grabbed my friend and to the pub we went. After drinking a skin full of sleepy juice and laughing uncontrollably, we staggered our separate ways and I arrived home feeling pretty good. We had mixed a few drinks and I knew the hang over was going to attack the next day.
The following morning the chap gets up for work and I feel the full effect of still being inebriated, I wiggle my drunken naked self out of bed and slide down the stairs.
I'm going to be sick and I can feel my mouth filling with saliva, I make all my best efforts to get the the bathroom on the ground floor and all but crawl to the toilet. The sense of relief is brilliant, I've not been sick on anything and the feeling is subsiding, I lay there for a good 5 minutes, my face on the toilet, a huge sense or relief washes over me, I start to feel warmer and almost instantly better, in fact, too warm. The warm feeling starts at my feet but doesn't seem to go any further... It takes a moment for me to register what I've done.
I've pissed on my own feet. I'm so drunk that my brain made the connection of bathroom-toilet-urinate.
So there it is, I'm sat, drunk, my face on the bowl, sitting in a puddle of my own wee.
Brilliant.
Tldr: got drunk, woke up drunk, thought I was going to be sick, peed on my feet instead.
PlentyofFishinthePee: Warning, this is really gross:
I had a similar incident several years ago, but worse, and I wasn't even that drunk. I hadn't thrown up in YEARS, so I didn't recognize the warning signs. I run to the bathroom, vomit a little in my mouth, and spit it out in the sink. I'm like, that wasn't so bad, I just drank too much liquid and couldn't keep it all down.
I didn't notice that I had shit myself while running to the bathroom. I don't know if my stomach just didn't know which direction to send it, or if the shock of throwing up for the first time made me lose all control.
One thing I'm confused about: If you were laying, with your face in the toilet, and you were naked, how the hell did you piss on your FEET? Is your dick the same length as your legs, or am I picturing this wrong?
bronyarse: I'm female. I was kneeling down with my feet underneath me.
PlentyofFishinthePee: Okay, I thought you were stretched out. It makes sense now.
Well, if I had known you were a woman, maybe I wouldn't have shared all that. LOL
bronyarse: Lol. I thought it might have given it away when I said ' the chap' in the post.
PlentyofFishinthePee: That sounded like something a chap might say. I dunno.
bronyarse: :p I liked your poo sorry.
PlentyofFishinthePee: Aww! I liked your pee.
PlentyofFishinthePee: [Best friends!](https://img1.etsystatic.com/040/0/5252021/il_570xN.566859431_2c38.jpg)
| 9 | 2.777778 | |
1409562869 | 1409568656 | t3_2f5mz2 | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Ummm I think tifu possibly?
Reid_Robinson: You fucked up my brain with run on sentences.
Horatio_Stubblecunt: He just kept talking in one long incredibly unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no-one had a chance to interrupt; it was really quite hypnotic.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1409553216 | 1409582625 | t3_2f5ds2 | t5_2to41 | 4 | dropbears: TIFU by getting drunk and having sex with my best friend's almost girlfriend, while in a long distance relationship myself.
I already feel horrible. We got drunk, smoked a little, and we flirted a whole lot. We made out at the bar and joked about if we were dating. I'm trying to hook her up with my good friend. they're both interested in each other. But I went out with the friend and we just get hammered and it's crazy sexual tension. And my current relationship is long distance and kind of open. Like, sex with friends is more casual and we indulge something's, whereas with each other it's more meaningful/special. Like, we've talked about the situation already. I'm a queer lady btw.
But I feel like all around garbage. I feel guilty about drunkenly fucking a friend who my best friend's really into. Though it was consensual, we were both drunk and it just sort of happened. I feel awful for having to keep it a secret. I haven't told anyone other than my gf and I dont plan on telling anyone else.
God. I am such a shit lord, the sex wasn't even good. The girl is really hot, supposedly experienced lesbian, but doesn't know nearly anything. I did most of the work, I guess why it didn't really feel like anything actually happened? It wasn't super enjoyable to be honest.
I did a hungover, but mostly still hella drunk, walk of shame in the morning. Got stopped by a cop as I stumbled up the road, and managed to puke three or four times along the way. Oh and I lost my phone in the bar.
I guess that's how being sleazy is supposed to feel..
TL;DR drunkenly slept with my best friend's crush, sex was mediocre, I'm a horrible friend.
supermonkeypie: If it makes you feel any better my best friend fucked a girl he knew I was really into a few years ago. I was pissed at him for a few weeks but I got over it. We're still best buds today. A while later I found out she was pretty fucked up, so he probably saved me a bunch of trouble in the long run.
dropbears: Yeah, I've been trying to tell myself to move on and just forget about it everyone makes bad decisions at some point. Besides the massive hangover it was a completely forgettable experience. I think maybe the shit that happened the day after was punishment enough. The hangover made me want to jump off a bridge.>If it makes you feel any better my best friend fucked a girl he knew I was really into a few years ago. I was pissed at him for a few weeks but I got over it. We're still best buds today. A while later I found out she was pretty fucked up, so he probably saved me a bunch of trouble in the long run.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411991425 | 1412003968 | t3_2hs3yb | t5_2to41 | 127 | klopli: TIFU by telling my crush I loved her.
This happened roughly a year ago. Some background info. I had a best friend, and a crush, who was my other best friend. The girl friendzoned me, and got together with my best friend, so I was fucked.
My FU happened at a bar. Late night drinking (tequila, and some vodka), we were both tipsy. The girl talked me about how she fucked up her relationship, and wants to be happy with his boyfriend, but she always fucks things up. The amount of consumed alcohol gave me an idea, to jokingly ask her why she never wanted to fuck with me, and I mentioned I'm in for a round. I went too far, 'cause she started to look at me strangely, so I shifted the conversation to a lighter topic. The night was almost over, I thought she forgot what I mentioned, but I was wrong. She asked me why I said these, and my drunk mind wanted to share a secret with her, about her. So basically I told her the whole story, how I loved her trough the years and how I will love her forever.
She cried. But not for the reason I thought in the first place. She wanted my best friend back, and was shocked by me at the same time. She refuses to talk to me from that night. The sad part is, that she was the only one I truly trusted, and I have no one to share my fears, secrets with. So instead of keeping it to myself I share it with you people of Reddit.
p.s. Please excuse me for my poor grammar and tangled words, English is not my native language.
EDIT: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
amazem: Essentially you were being used. It hurt, and probably still does, but you did a good thing in the end.
[deleted]: I don't see how OP was being used...? Until his drunken confession the girl had no idea of his feelings and if they were best friends of course she'd talk to him about her relationship problems.
amazem: girl talked me about how she fucked up her relationship, and wants to be heppy with his boyfriend...
> She wanted my best friend back, and was shocked..
I get the impression that she was leaning heavily on OP to talk about\get closer\etc.. to OP best friend.
klopli: you got the point, she played with me years and years until I finally realized I'm getting fucked over. Her best was when she cheated on her boyfriend and then got caught and said she was with me. So practically I lost my best friend because of this. AND my greatest FU, I realized this waaaay later than I want to admit.....
biderjohn: shes a real winner. thank the bar that helped you weed her out of your life.
| 6 | 21.166667 | |
1411844995 | 1412028526 | t3_2hmxwc | t5_2to41 | 9 | demogoddess: TIFU by storing stuff boxes
TIFU by storing boxes at my family's house. Ok so I am a female college student who just moved in with her SO. Anyway Im in the process of going through all of my stuff from before college and during it because I have alot of books, clothes, etc. Well I left a collection of books in boxes over at my grandparents house because who would want to go through textbooks right? Come to find out there was some other books in the next box on how to do certain naughty things. These books got blamed on my cousin. My grandmother today asked me about them which I confessed they were mine. She told the rest of my family about the books...So now Im the whore in college.
The_Reaper95: Wait, so let me get this straight.. You had some books that teach about sexual interaction, or based on your comment it's just normal fiction books with sex involved in certain chapters ect but first your grandparents blame your cousin for some reason and then when you admit that they were yours they immediately go and tell your entire family?
Do you have any prior experience where people in your family do not respect people's personal affairs and privacy?
IMO if you left sensitive and personal belongings related to sexual intercourse at the house of your close relatives and they had no disregard for your feelings and privacy then it isn't your fuck up whatsoever.
It would only be your fuck up if you left it whilst knowing that based on a previous event that they are inconsiderate and nosy.
I get that some families are in to that whole discussing and honesty thing because they either think it's good for growth or they are very strict about it all but sometimes it's better to be the grown up and accept that people have personal lives and that their personal lives should be respected.
Do you wanna know what I got from all this? The image that your grandparents telling your entire family about your private belongings is the exact same as a child snitching on their older teenage sibling for having naughty books. They just seem so immature.
One quick last thing, what do you mean by "So now I'm the whore in college."? Did they call you that or are you assuming that is what they think of you? Because if that is the stance and opinion that you family now has of you simply because they found a few books is quite unfair. I bet they have done some kinky shit in their lives as well but if you were to go blasting that out to everyone who can hear I doubt they would be very appreciative now would they? Which is why again, they shouldn't stick their nose in to your business unless they want to agree to bearing all.
Sorry if I am being rude to you or family members but some people just rub me the wrong way. Sorry for the innuendos if you take them as such.
demogoddess: As far as I can remember most personal affairs have been left alone. I would have never left my stuff there otherwise. My cousin used to live in that room so thats why he was blamed on it. I know for sure that a couple of people have been told since my grandmother .....Well lets just say she doesn't believe that oral sex is nice and to her generation of relatives its not becoming. They wouldnt say something so in polite to my face but they will say something along the lines as ladies do not do those things.
The_Reaper95: Fair enough, it's still not fair though and seeing it is like I had originally said, it's not your fuck up.
Chin up, I hope it all sorts itself out OP :)
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1411993592 | 1411997923 | t3_2hs6bn | t5_2to41 | 5 | moron950: TIFU By pouring brake fluid on a car
comedygene: Well it was either that or using your car to block them in too and then goto sleep. Or forcibly move the car with your car. Or crack the seal on the tire's valve stems. I'm surprised the cops don't help. How about taking the slots that block you in on the weekend? I'd need pics for plotting.
moron950: yea cops don't do much when you call them they just show up when the bar is about to close and everybody is leaving so usually we have to wait , well we had to wait anyway but the problem is that im a scardicat and now im afraid to get caught i don't know how but still i feel like shit i had enough ploting and vengeance for my nerves to take it
comedygene: There has to be a solution that won't wreck the nerves
moron950: moving probably lol, and i don't have money to do that so im pretty screwed
| 5 | 1 | |
1409566421 | 1409614286 | t3_2f5q22 | t5_2to41 | 14 | Rickardo_: TIFU: My friend who suffers from seizures got drunk.
I'm really drunk so I don't know if it Will make sense.
My long friend who suffers from minor seizures came over tonight. We decided to go to the nearest 711 and buy some beer we are here drinking a few beers until we ran out I'm feeling buzz so I decided that I'm good. He tell me he wants more and starts to make fun of me saying I can't hang.
We go get more beer, he's buying so I'm perfectly fine with that. We come home I tell him I feel drunk and he still makes fun of me. Minutes later he tell me he needs to use the restroom. Many minutes pass by.. After almost half an hour I find it suspicious that he still in there. I go and knock on the door but he doesn't answer. My bathroom door is easy to open with any spare key so I open it..... Surprise! He got a seizure! Now he's laying on the sink sleeping and with throw up all over him.! I should really help him right now.
He need to be home in a few hours because he's family are going out for Labor Day.
sessuna: Are you a teenager? You need to tell an adult.
darthjammer224: Unless hes a teenager and his friends 21 our 711's always card.
sessuna: Silly me. I always forget the drinking age is 21 in America :)
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1409566719 | 1409569624 | t3_2f5qbj | t5_2to41 | 80 | [deleted]: TIFU by using Taco Bell sauce for lube.
This actually occurred about 3 months ago and I have learned my lesson since! I have a growing fascination with spicy food, but Jalapenos used to be all I could handle for a long time. I've been expanding as I can and a variation on this is that I always choose "Fire Sauce" when I order from Taco Bell this year, the more packets loaded onto one taco with little to drink the better! Such a shame they removed the old Volcano Tacos from their menu, I'd have loved to add the two together these days!
Leading up to the aforementioned TIFU situation I had used "Mild Sauce" once or twice for lube in the previous year. Fairly good stand in and little burn to speak of, always scrubbed it off with a washcloth afterward. So when I saw a few leftover packets of Fire laying around the idea occurred to me that I could try it again now.
I squirted on the entire first packet and began. Nothing but an easy stroke at first. Then the heat began to build, a slow, burning sensation - nothing I couldn't handle from past exploration. As the first packet began to dry I foolishly ripped open the second and poured it across my manhood, and as the pain rose over the following two minutes I began to have some doubts about this endeavor. Nevertheless I finished up shortly and, immediately afterward, headed toward the bathroom to pour cold water and start scrubbing in the sink.
This did not resolve the inferno engulfing my crotch. I spent several more minutes rubbing and squeezing to little avail, for each time I exposed the skin to open air the agony returned to its prior state. By this point I was reaching a threshold of pain hitherto concealed from my imagination. I had but one card left to play - and if there had been no milk in the refrigerator that night, I fear I may have lost it.
I found the deepest, widest cup available, filled it to the top with liquid Vitamin D, and thrust my molten cock and balls in as far as I could.
It was heaven; blessed, soothing *relief* quenched the hellfire.
Try to picture, if you will, a 6' man bent double, holding a porcelain cup dripping milk from the edges into his pubic hair, hobbling along to collect a towel from the bathroom to clean up the mess being made along the route and already made before the computer.
I sat down on a hardwood chair thus, towel laid out roughly around the legs, for more than an hour. When at last I withdrew my shriveled self all was cool and calm. I have never sought out non-regulation lubrication again, and have no lasting damage.
WestcoastWelker: What the fuck are you doing with your life man.
I_Will_Try_More: Trying to win a Darwinism award?
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1409554821 | 1409643983 | t3_2f5ff1 | t5_2to41 | 34 | throwawaychelsea: TIFU by posting a link to reddit (emotions, cheeseburger, illegal porn, hackers, two businesses in jeopardy)
This really happened today. Actually some hours ago. But the story starts yesterday: I have a friend who is a freelance designer, but isn't that good at self promotion. Yesterday we had some beers and started talking how he is in a bit of financial trouble. Because of that he is dealing with depression and really needs some more jobs or has to go back to being employed. But looking for employment when dealing with depression probably isn't going to work out. Etc. So as a friend I wanted to help him. We came up with the following idea:
I'm a concert promoter and i've got a lot of contacts of bands and agencys who sometimes need to get design work done. So i'm gonna contact those who i feel will like his style. To get some more exposure he should start a series of personal works that have something to do with something that is very popular, cause it might be more likely to go viral than regular works and going viral might score him some jobs too. We discussed doing something with Star Wars, Transformers or Logos for Memes but ended up deciding that he should do redesigns of soccer club logos - because it doesn't take as long as detailed illustrations of a Storm Trooper and all the movie stuff has been done too much by other designers. Soccer is the most popular sport over here (We're from Europe).
So last night I wrote exactly 80 E-Mails to my contacts and he worked on the first piece of this series and posted it on a design site called behance. He didn't just post the design but made a long detailed post basically explaining every element and I was impressed with his logic and his research about the past logos. He explained why the Elements were in it and had some interesting historical facts about the Chelsea FC Logos from 1952 until now. I really thought "Dude, you can do great designs like this including research and a great post within a couple of hours while being drunk, you're like a magician". I was so sure my contacts are gonna give him some work. But well, I also thought this would be interesting to soccer fans. They like tradition and all the historical facts were great. So as I wanted to help him AND because i really really thought that it was quality content I posted the link on a soccer related subreddit. I also thought the design was great but i mostly thought that soccer fans will appreciate his research. When you post it to design subreddits mostly designers will see it, but we need people who don't design their own stuff to see this.
I underestimated the traditional Wrath of Soccerfans. I didn't believe him but my friend kind of expected it. Here's a quote he wrote on top of the behance project page:
"Football/Soccer brings out the best and the worst in us. Most people are passionate about it and things get emotional real quick. I know the tradition of your club is important to you and i don't mean to offend anybody with these Logos. This is just me testing myself what i can come up with - I am not pitching these logos to clubs nor is there any intention that these logos will ever be used by anybody (unless someone contacts me about it of course, which would be very cool). I also try to do my best when it comes to research about club tradition and logos. This is just a personal project and no serious attempt to change the look of your team!"
I guess nobody read that. Or actually didn't read anything he wrote on that page. On reddit everybody was just bashing the design how much they hated it and that it should never be the official crest etc. Which he clearly stated on the page that this wasn't the intention. There were absolutely no comments about the historical facts or anything. They all treated it like he was trying to make them use it instead of just being another take on it. But well, ok, that wouldn't be too bad. He just said "told ya" and started to grill a cheeseburger on the balcony at 5.30 in the morning. Discussions not going the way we would like them happens to the best of us, right? riiight guys?... guys?
But if it did stop there I wouldn't be writing this post. Of course he has all his personal info on this site, so people who want to hire him for design work can contact him. But now he's getting hate mail and DEATH THREATS from Fans and apparently has signed up for porn websites that are illegal around here. Of course I don't take the threats seriously and he doesn't either, but he takes great pride in the quality of his work and don't forget, this guy is dealing with depression, so i'm kinda worried it will somehow get to him. If it did stop there i probably wouldn't be writing this post either. But it didn't - Someone has hacked his account, changing his Behance login data, so he can't take his personal information out. Until now nothing has changed about the site, but who knows what that person is gonna do to it... just imagine all of his work would be replaced with paint images or rage faces (don't take this as inspiration!!) and all of my contacts will not see his real design work but will stop working with me when they see what my definition of professional design work is. Quote from my e-mail: "He does all my promotional designs and is a true professional who finishes every project quickly. I highly recommend to check out his amazing artworks on behance.net/S************"
UNTIL NOW nothing has happened but this has potential disaster written all over it. He also has this link on his new business cards which he just got last thursday and already spread to a lot people at some networking event on friday, so while he already is in financial trouble this could basically destroy the way he gets his work. Even more financial consequences than just not getting any additional jobs from my contacts. And all because I posted that link to a subreddit full of people who honor tradition way too much. The only place he posted it was on Facebook and it was 5am so i don't think too many people saw it from there and he doesn't really have any Chelsea Fans in his friendslist. I really wanted to help him and get him back on track.... and apparently made it a lot worse for him and might also have ruined some of my own important business relationships.
TLDR; Posted link from a friend to reddit, underestimated sensibility of target audience, Cheeseburger, someone hacked his account and will possibly put us out of work.
UPDATE: He has his behance account back and apart from the email address and 1 added sentence which read "I'm HIV positive and if you hire me we will bang mate" nothing was changed. He is neither HIV positive nor is it mandatory to have sex with him if you hire him. So it didn't end up being a total disaster. I also know that he already heard from someone he met on friday.
TheDerpRebellion: Damn. These people who are hating are idiots. I hope your friend gets better soon though, send him my regards. Also, do you have the link to the original post?
throwawaychelsea: i thought about including it but it's against the TIFU rules to post anything that might identify someone
TheDerpRebellion: That's alright, I don't mind I just wanted to see the hate and such. (Someone posted a link somewhere and I saw the remake of the logo, I think it's amazing and it's something that he could consider to be his job. Too bad some people can be so ignorant and rude...)
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1411986042 | 1411997662 | t3_2hrz8f | t5_2to41 | 4 | fezzo: TIFU by falling neck-deep in cow dung
So, this FU happened when I was 10 years old (I'm 20 now), however I remember this one quite vividly.
So my family and I went to India for a month to spend time with our relatives. They live mostly away from the city, so it's a rural/village landscape where properties are mostly farms. There are plenty of cows owned by these farmers too. We found ourselves visiting a family who I personally didn't know very well. All of our suitcases/clothes were back at my dad's village, not here.
So, while we we're visiting, I decided to play outside with the puppies. Now, here's what I totally had no clue about: there was a very deep pit, filled with mostly cow dung and a mixture of other compost-y things, right next to where I was playing.
I started 'teasing' the dogs, so whenever they came close to me, I'd walk backwards (heck I was 10) and they'd keep running after me. As I was walking backwards, I felt weightless for a split second as I plunged right into the cow pat pit. I found myself neck-deep in this smelly, grotesque concoction of bovine faeces. I frantically flailed my limbs around as best I could while in this quicksand-like mixture, before I clambered onto the edge of the pit and lifted my stinky ass the hell out of there.
I remember looking at my arms. It was totally covered in shit. My clothes, legs, everything. Glistening in the sun.
It wasn't long before my parents saw me and came running outside, including everyone else who was there. My relatives who lived there started hosing me down with water from a safe, distant location, watching on, laughing. There was soon a circle of villagers and people from neighbouring houses watching on too (they're outdoors most of the time), in a neat circle around me. They stood far enough so that the stench couldn't reach them, but close enough so I could see their grinning faces. It was hilarious for them.
It gets worse -- once I'm washed down, I can't change out of my shit-stained clothes since our suitcases were back at my dad's. So, my relatives here, (as nice as it was of them) give me their daughter's clothes to change into (she was roughly the same age as me). Thing is, I'm a dude.
We headed back to my dad's family's place that evening. I would've looked pretty dashing, sporting a skirt and a girl's top.
special-measures: Wow that is pretty dangerous!
People die from falling into silage pits and sewage storage. . .
fezzo: Yep. No idea how I managed to survive that one haha
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1409572866 | 1409618535 | t3_2f5vze | t5_2to41 | 14 | throwaway420ish: TIFU saying "fuck you 2" to a girl via text.
This is a throwaway thoroughly embarrasing, little bit of back story 23 year old male have been texting this girl from a city near by lets call her Joanna. So I've been talking to this girl for about 2 months now (she's 19) and things been going great etc, flirtatious banter flowing both ways yada yada.
Anyways as of last week she stopped dead from texting/snapchatting etc, now I was thinking to myself nah I'm over thinking this shit for sure, surely right? Now we've been snap chatting everyday almost, just after she stop snapping me I was still sending away like nothing was wrong and I see the snaps were viewed no biggie. I thought to myself probably busy or something. No replys for around a week, I thought how does someone not have the decency to say their busy (I'm probably an asshole) but 3 words via text isn't very hard to muster.
So onto the Tifu said "Fuck you 2" via text, and got a reply "I've been really busy and havn't really been able to talk? is that why Yur angry".
Reddit help me from my own stupidy or am I in the right. HELP!
somegirlthinks: Uhhh yeah dude. If I was her I wouldn't have even answered you. And if she does keep dealing with you she's not that smart so you should let her go anyway.
BowtieSam: All the fault is on that stupid bitch in the story. Take 10 seconds out of your day and send a text saying "I am busy." Nowadays, it could not be easier to tell someone you aren't available. I can't stand when people just ignore me. Communication isn't hard.
somegirlthinks: If someone is ignoring you for that long - take the hint. Messaging her "fuck you" isn't going to help the situation, or ease your feelings.
BowtieSam: While I agree that OP's actions were definitely not the right ones to make (sorry OP) I still think that someone who can't use their words to tell them they aren't interested or are busy is cowardly and childish. Yes, taking the hint does make sense, you are right. I think a human being is entitled to some form of communicated response.
| 5 | 2.8 | |
1411992415 | 1412030229 | t3_2hs500 | t5_2to41 | 6 | [deleted]: TIFU by cancelling a date
Asked her out, said she can't but later says Sunday would be fine. I declined saying I'll be somewhere.
She's an introvert and prolly feels hurt, I cancelled on such a lame excuse when she was willing to go out.
Now she is avoiding me.
[deleted]: Send that ~~@#$!@~~ girl flowers, ~~@#$!@#$~~ girls love flowers.
60niera: Not really your typical girl.. She loves sweets though
[deleted]: Ah, as long as you stay within the holy triumvirate of apology (jewelry, chocolate, flowers) you should be golden, mate.
60niera: Jewelry? Lolno
She'd prolly ask me what the hell she's gonna do with that
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1409569109 | 1409579491 | t3_2f5sfj | t5_2to41 | 14 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving school
So today was my first day of lyceum. I'm a 10th grade freshman and after all the meeting with my classmates and professors stuff i got the schedule and headed back home. It was kinda awkward because it seemed i'm the only one leaving, and so it was. A friend of mine told me we were supposed to have 2 classes and then leave... I have no idea how to explain this tomorrow!
silentthesneak: Well did anyone besides your friend tell you there was going to be 2 classes before leaving? If not then it just sounds like a lack of communication there.
AssaultUnit: Yup... Everyone does... How in the world did i miss that?
silentthesneak: Aye! Mistakes happen, you were obviously misinformed and its not like you just got up and said "fuck this place" and left. You seemed confused on the situation, which I dont blame you for cause it happens to me a lot.
| 4 | 3.5 | |
1411996957 | 1411998036 | t3_2hsan9 | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by having sex
This happened about a week ago----
Little bit of backstory:
I'm a dude, 19, just lost my virginity about a month ago and have been having sex since with my girl since then. Protected of course!
Main story:
Well, I never really paid attention to what I was supposed to do after the condom was used and just flushed them down the toilet. Huge mistake. I live out of the city limits with my dad so we have a Ceptic tank of our own. Apparently while I was gone for the weekend, the tank got backed up and he had to clear it.. Well the old man goes to clear it out and a bunch of condoms are in there that caused it to back up.... I get a phone call from him and he asks what I had been putting down the toilet. I played dumb and was like "nothing other than what your supposed to". He replied with a laugh and said "I don't care if you eat the damn things, just don't flush them down the toilet you dumbass." I didn't go home for another 2 days cause I was embarrassed so much. And that's how I fucked up by having sex
PaulJosephGoebbels: dad giving you tough love proud.
don't be embrassed. live and learn.
oh, and don't eat them. bad idea. would end up like your septic tank.
Bg55: When I went back later last week, I was able to laugh about it and he hasn't given me too much shit since then
My_Empty_Wallet: Seeing as he's the one who had to dig through the shit, you could have had it much worse
Bg55: I'm am very grateful that I did not have to dig through human waste
| 5 | 4 | |
1411944498 | 1412125799 | t3_2hqiry | t5_2to41 | 5 | Tommolyn: TIFU: I put a jump pack on a 07 lexus ls350 backwards
And now the radio and ac screens and buttons don't work.
Also it's not even my car.
kreigan29: Did replacing the fuse work.
Tommolyn: Yes there was another fuse box that eluded is that was under the passenger side.. 3 blown fuses under there for a total of 4.
I looked under the passenger side to but didn't see it the first or second time I looked...
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411677079 | 1411906150 | t3_2hgpo7 | t5_2to41 | 458 | [deleted]: TIFU by asking if a suicide victim was cocaine.
I recently went on a camping trip with some close friends, as well as some mutual friends who I wasn't familiar with. After the initial first nights of getting to know each other, the walls were coming down and everyone seemed to be getting along great. Typical stories of crazy college experiences, life goals; everything you would expect from a group bonding over beer and campfires.
As this night winded down, I noticed one of the girls on my trip had a vial that she carried around her neck filled with a white substance. I hadn't seen it earlier in the trip as she hadn't worn a low cut shirt.
In a buzzed stupor I pointed at the vile and asked if she was "partying tonight". "excuse me?" she spit out as I repeated my question, now touching the vial around her neck, totally violating her space assuming that we were best buds based on the fact that we had recently shared intimate details of our lives among our circle of friends.
She walked away horrified, began crying and bolted off.
I immediately thought "I shouldn't have put my hands close to her, that was too much..you idiot"
A mutual friend, who witnessed the interaction approached me and told me that she carried a vial filled with her sister's ashes who had committed suicide just months before, and that the camping trip was this poor girl's first time out since the incident.
We didn't talk for the rest of the trip.
TL;DR: I asked if the cremated ashes of a girl's sister were drugs.
**EDIT: corrected the vile misspelling of vial.**
[deleted]: To be fair, carrying around someone's ashes in a vial around ones neck is pretty weird and not something anyone could have predicted.
Artip: I imagine it's so she could be close to her sister. Which is kinda like closing the barn doors after the cows have gotten out, I guess.
B3M0: Wanting to remember your loved ones is totally fine, even if the ways you do it are a little unusual. Being a jerk to someone because they didn't know an intimate detail of your life is not fine.
shart_attack: The girl started crying and left the social situation, presumably to either cry in private or compose herself so she could try to enjoy the rest of the night.
Being so sad that you start crying =! being a jerk to someone.
ProblemPie: I don't know about you, but I definitely prefer "=/=" to symbolize "does not equal."
[deleted]: I do not. I've always known it as != from coding.
ProblemPie: That's a pretty specific avenue, though. I suppose it gets the point across, but nonetheless.
| 8 | 57.25 | |
1411868170 | 1411997658 | t3_2hnw4o | t5_2to41 | 15 | cockcurry: TIFU By shitting in the sink at work.
Well it was early this morning at work when i felt that all to familiar pain in my stomach. I got up from my desk and headed to my other office. I was surprised to find that my usual stall was occupied. Now has this been a typical poo and not hot lava, I would have sat in the other stall. This particular poo though deserved privacy. I made my way to the other bathroom on the other side of the building. About half way there things became serious. I clenched harder and pressed on. As I climbed the stairs to my porcelain throne it became aware i was in the final count down. I sped up my penguin waddle and i could see my finish line. As i opened the door the the bathroom i felt hot liquid between my cheeks. This was it. It was now or never. I opened my fly and yanked my pants down and pointed my ass towards the nearest drain. I proceeded to spew liquid poo all in the sink and down the front of the vanity and on the floor. I breathed a sigh of relief as the pressure in my stomach released. It was at this point i realized what had just happened. I looked in horror at the disgusting mess i had just made. In a matter of seconds I had my bum back to its cleanly state and I started working on the debauchery that was everywhere. Hot water and a little help from pressure on the poo forced it down the drain. I used the hand soap to clean the rest of the mess. Thankfully no one came in during. I headed back to the office with my heart full of guilt and relief knowing i had gotten away with murder.
isaristh: So... you didn't really fuck up since you didn't get caught. ;)
spikeman203: But, he took a massive shit in a sink..
isaristh: And didn't get caught. Simply amazing.
XWing-Pilot: *slow clap* *headnod*
"Well done"
| 5 | 3 | |
1411745899 | 1411769672 | t3_2hjalt | t5_2to41 | 629 | ionizable: TIFU by underestimating my mother's nosiness.
This happened a few weeks ago.
Over the summer I went and did a study exchange program in another province (I'm Canadian). Because I'm a broke student, I decided not to take a flight, and instead rented a car and made a 10-hour drive. Right before I left, I splurged on a pretty nice vibrator, like, *really* nice, actually. Waterproof, 10 speeds, not in the shape of a pointy dolphin, pretty and pinkish purple. I was pretty excited about it, and it turned out to be a really great purchase.
When it was time to leave the program and move back in with my conservative, traditionally Chinese parents (see aforementioned broke student life), my folks decided it'd be nice to take a little road trip vacation and come pick me up and sightsee along our way back home. So my mom, dad, younger sister, and grandmother all came in one little car to come get me and my stuff.
In anticipation of their arrival and my mother's nosiness, I made sure I packed the vibrator in a nondescript black box, put it in an opaque plastic bag filled with other paraphernalia (batteries, mostly), stuffed it at the bottom of my oversized backpack, piled school supplies and notebooks on top of it, and tied and secured my backpack up real nice. When they arrived, my folks decided we'd have to lose some luggage for everyone to fit in the car, so I pointed them at pots and pans and food items that we could throw out or leave behind, and told my mother that my backpack was 100% optimized and organized and she didn't need to touch it.
She shooed me out of my dorm room and told me to go try to get deposit refunds from the upwards of 30 empty wine/liquor bottles that'd been lined up at the top of my shelf (oops), so I went with my sister and tried to run the errand as fast as I could. When I came back, everything (including my backpack) was already stuffed into the car and we were ready to roll.
Later that night at the hotel I went through my backpack and noticed things had been moved around. Then I noticed I couldn't find my vibrator. I started freaking out, thinking it was one of the things left behind, so I went and asked my mom, "Hey, uh... did you remove anything from my backpack?"
She innocently cocked her head and went, "Like what?"
My dad and grandma both turned and looked at me too, so I just dropped the subject and muttered, "Never mind," but it was really rankling me (I was on the verge of naming my vibrator, I was getting that attached to it! And it'd been expensive!), so the next day as we did tourist-y things, I fell back behind the rest of my family and waited for my mom and tried again.
"Hey, mom, uh... are you sure you didn't remove anything from my backpack?"
Again, she was like, "Anything specific in mind?"
"It was, uh... pinkish purple... about this big..."
As soon as I gestured with my hands, she didn't even miss a beat and declared, "Oh, yes, your **VIBRATOR**."
Maybe five people walking past us on the street turned and looked kind of bemused at a tiny little 50-year-old Asian lady yelling out "vibrator" in English while her embarrassed daughter mumbled, "Yes, mom, that."
"Funny story about that, actually," she continued.
So apparently what'd happened while I stepped out was this: she'd riffled through my bag, stopped at the suspicious(?) plastic bag, opened it, and discovered the objects within. Holding out the vibrator to my father, she'd said, "Hey, Ed, take a look at this," and in the process of handing it off to him, accidentally switched it on.
So then it was just my mother, my father, and my 75-year-old grandmother in a silent dorm room, staring at this thing making horrific noises at them. After one shocked moment, hey frantically hot-potato'd it to each other trying to switch it off, but the fucking thing had 10 fucking speeds and every time they pressed the fucking button it would just increase frequency or change patterns or get louder.
Finally my mother figured out you just have to hold the damn button for a few seconds to get it off, and then they just stared at it lying innocently on my bed, before asking, "So who wants to talk to her about this?"
My father: "She knows what she's doing. Let's never speak of this ever again."
My grandmother: "We need to discuss this. Call her!"
My mother: "It's okay, I'll handle it."
But even though I ended up bringing it up first with my mother, my small, stern grandmother approached me later that afternoon and struck up a conversation in kindergartener-level Chinese with me on account of my Canadian-born Chinese-ness that roughly translates to: "So. We found a man's thing in your bag."
BeardsuptheWazoo: How dare she go through your bag? did you confront her about that?
Disgruntled_Badger: Ugh my mom does this all the time. There is no sense of personal privacy in this house...my bedroom doesn't even have a lock on it! But any time I get upset about her going in my things, it becomes a "well what do you have to hide?" argument.
BeardsuptheWazoo: I don't know how old you are, but no matter what you deserve some privacy. I think that you should talk to her about this during a time while she is NOT snooping, and let her know how it affects you. As you become an independent adult, you will need to learn how to care for yourself, which requires the ability to grow as a person. To do so, you need to make your own decisions on some things in your life, and be your own separate person.
ScipioAfricanvs: lol a response from someone who never experienced it. My mom would just ignore me. You could be a grown ass adult with kids. Doesn't matter.
BeardsuptheWazoo: You have no idea what I experienced. My mother tried to tell me I couldn't have my birth certificate when I was 17, because she gave birth to me, which made it hers. You make some big assumptions about my childhood and my relationship with my parents.
ScipioAfricanvs: Then I'm not sure you think a rational conversation would fix the issue.
BeardsuptheWazoo: What? That doesn't make sense. What do you mean? EDIT: I think I know what you mean. The way I got through those issues with my parents was by HAVING rational conversations. It took time, and was hard, but it worked
ScipioAfricanvs: You said OP should have a conversation with her mother about how it affects her. I'm surprised, based on your experiences, that this would solve anything.
BeardsuptheWazoo: See my edit. My rational conversations DID improve things. Overbearing parents aren't always against listening to reasonable conversations.
| 10 | 62.9 | |
1409580023 | 1409590995 | t3_2f6408 | t5_2to41 | 18 | [deleted]: TIFU by fucking my own ass with a chainsaw
Ok, now that I have your attention. Does anyone else feel that a lot of the submissions on /r/tifu are complete and utter bullshit? Shock titles that are nothing more than clickbait and realistically would never happpen in a million years.
Like "TIFU by agreeing to watch my overweight boss get a blowjob from a male intern" Yeah right.
"TIFU by giving myself a blowjob" Bullshit
We need some kind of verification system to validate submissions, otherwise we're nothing but a glorified /r/writingprompts trying to outgross each other.
amwulf_: Sometimes crazy shit happens, why can't you accept it?
I think a verification system would decrease the quality, since people would not like to show their identity when talking of their dirty doings.
And how the fuck do you confirm that somebody's boss got a blowjob from a male intern?
[deleted]: "Pictures or it didn't happen."
MyUserSucks: I believe the term is 'pics or it didnt hapn'. I much prefer the eloquent way you say it.
| 4 | 4.5 | |
1409580277 | 1409596942 | t3_2f64br | t5_2to41 | 5 | sprod: TIFU by taking acid from a stranger on a second date.
Happened last week. So I've been online dating for a bit because of my work schedule and it requiring me to go out of town quite a bit. Anyways so ended up a second date at a bluegrass show just having a good Ole time and got a pretty good buzz going and started to be a social butterfly which is pretty typical for my drinking self. Told a dude I like acid and next thing you know I'm in the parking lot giving him $50 bucks for 5 doses, thinking about the time I purchased a rolled up wet paper towel in Vegas trying to buy pot. At which point the only think my drunk self could think to do to prevent being ripped off by a stranger was to try it (to those of you who haven't done acid it sometimes just white paper squares so it's not like you can tell by looking at it). The night didn't end well. We went to my dates house at which point the acid hits me and she realized I had taken some. I start tripping all the way into some visuals. She sat there a took it upon herself to babysit for a while until I was able to manage the world again, at which point I go home realizing I probably blew it but was still happy for my 4 doses in my pocket. There has been no 3rd date or communication since. I know I disappointed her and that never feels good to do. Drugs from a stranger.
TLDR: 2nd date + acid = no 3rd date.
demystifier: On the plus side, you still have 4 hits of acid left. I think you came out ahead for the night, personally =P
sprod: Definitely a silver lining.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1411999296 | 1412003513 | t3_2hsedr | t5_2to41 | 34 | hockeytown555: TIFU by playing with a knife
Now I know all of you are thinking the title is pretty self explanatory and that I was simply twirling a knife around and I end up cutting myself. This is sadly not the case.
The scene is set on a wonderful summer day when I was 12 (am 18 now).
My parents were both at work and I decided I would take my little pocket knife outside and find some stuff to cut up. I had always been warned of the dangers of playing with my knife and how I could cut my self, but being told not to do something only made me want to it more. In my yard we have a lot of trees and being the genius I am, I decided to see how good I was at throwing a knife.
First I need to tell you guys what kind of knife I was going to attempt to throw at a very hard tree. This knife was worth about $5. It had a flimsy plastic handle that was held in place by one very loose screw, the blade was about as dull as a hammer, the tip was more round than pointed, but it was a knife and god damn it if I wasn't going to throw it and make it stick in a tree.
So I set myself up about 10ft away from the trunk of this tree, hold my knife by the blade and let it fly. It hits the tree sideways and bounces to the ground. Hmmmm that's no good. I decided if I threw it that way again I would shatter that plastic handle.
I go and pick up my knife and this time set myself up 5ft away from the trunk and decide that I should throw this piece of shit knife just like it's a dart. I take hold of the knife with my index finger on the back of the handle (for a little more power of course) and let it rip.
Right as I threw it I knew I had messed up. I had twisted the whole knife sideways with my index finger and the knife hit the tree perfectly sideways.
I watched with horror as the knife bounced off the trunk of the tree, countinued to spin until it was pointed at me, and began its descent toward my legs and feet.
I should let it be known that 12 year old me thought that the proper foot wear for throwing knives at trees were flip flops.
As I watch this knife come toward me I turn around as much as I can in an attempt to outrun gravity. Still watching the knife though, I see it hit the back of my heel, not with the super dull blade, but with the serrated part of the blade.
I quickly look at my foot in more detail and can see a gash about half an wide and half an inch deep. Just as I was thinking "wow it's not going to bleed" it started pouring out of me like a faucet. Quickly my entire filp flop was covered in blood. I hobbled back to my house knowing I had to stop this fountain that was my foot. I open the door that leads to our kitchen and take off the lake i have for a flip flop and hobble toward the sink, leaving a blood path the whole way. I grab paper towel and start trying to stop my blood from leaving my body.
Knowing pressure would stop the bleeding I grabbed fresh paper towel and some tape and proceeded to tape the paper towel to my foot.
I ended up calling my mom, who was at work still, and had to tell her what I had done. She came home, took me to the urgent care where I had to get stitches (only 3) and was told I missed cutting my Achilles tendon by centimeters.
Tl;Dr Threw a knife like a dart at a tree, knife bounced back and hit my heel narrowly missing my Achilles tendon, bloodbath ensued.
Rek3030: I feel the moral of this story, is you don't need a really nice knife. Or even don't throw sharp objects. Its to make sure you don't ever wear flip flops. Those things are stupid anyway.
hockeytown555: That's all I got out of the experience. Within the week I was back to knife throwing, but while wearing boots.
| 3 | 11.333333 | |
1411999260 | 1411999816 | t3_2hsebh | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: TIFU by not locking the door.
So this happened last Friday.
I was at a party. And on that party there was a girl. Now, I started to like this girl not that long ago. Last time we spoke I got the impression she liked me. With that feeling, I was ofc looking forward to this party.
Eventually, we all started drinking more and more. She gave me whisky, which I drank up. I may have taken some vodka shots aswell. The point is, we got quite drunk. Suddenly we were making out, french style. She complimented my kissing and went back inside the house. Then, an hour later, she invited me up to one of the rooms. "This is it" I thought. Turns out she had her purse there. We both grabbed a beer from it, but then as we opened the beers we started making out again. One thing led to another and we were laying in the bed. She was wet and I was ready. I started taking off her clothes. As I did that I suddenly saw about five people in the door. "Shit!" I forgot to lock the door. What a bunch of cockblocks I thought. We climbed off the bed, even more wasted and confused.
She took it with a smile. Not sure if I'll contact her again though, my friend claims he also made out with her. (could actually help with some girl advice there; did she just have fun like men can do and still likes me, or just another trashy bitch?)
imacyber: don't pursue her (texting/facebook) too much. Give her plenty of room, let things cool off a little. invite her to do something fun, go to the beach or something. Somewhere that will allow you to 'explore' each other. (NOT a cinema).
TL;DR: give her room, but also make it clear you're super into her :)
Goodluck!
fratuzzi: thanks, that helps :)
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1411997658 | 1412112523 | t3_2hsbmj | t5_2to41 | 2,800 | rubix306608: TIFU by answering a private number on my phone
So, usually I don't answer private phone numbers because 9/10 they're salesmen who are trying to trying to acquire my soul. (I may or may not have accidently signed up for this through a porn app on my phone, that's another fuck up for another day) But jokingly my friend said to me the other day:
"You should totally answer the next phone call you get with something like, 'yeah I dumped the body'."
Well, today when I was with a group of my friends and as per usual my phone rang, displaying "private number". So for a cheep laugh I decided to pick up and say it.
"Yeah, I've dumped the body in the forest, don't stress nobody saw me."
After a moment of silence the voice on the other side spoke.
"Mr Rubix, we're going to need you to stay where you are."
So for the last hour I've been explaining to the police how I really didn't dump any body, and about how it was a prank. Needless to say, it's a bad idea to mess with private numbers.
TL;DR - TIFU by answering the phone to a private number and admitted to committing to a murder I didn't commit as a joke, turned out the private number was a police officer who needed to tell me my wallet had been found. Spent a good portion of my day explaining that I didn't commit any murder.
-Edit - for people saying it didn't happen, it really did. I was writing it on the way home and was totally hyper about the whole thing. But I understand why you wouldn't believe it, it does sound a little bit far fetched.
Anyway, nothing happened. I went down to the police station, told my story, he laughed at me returned my wallet and sent me on my way.
lukjad007: I don't believe you. Not one bit.
palehorse864: [](/liera) Are you saying they're a liar?
lukjad007: [](/pphmmm) Whatever gave you that idea? It's entirely reasonable that a random police officer will be calling a random number and will take what is said seriously and if they do it will only take a whole hour to clear up.
palehorse864: [](/objection)You're just ill-informed. Do you know how many criminals the police catch a year by just war dialing like a telemarketer?
They use an unlisted number because they don't want the criminals to know it's them and not pick up.
lukjad007: [](/believe) I believe this to be true.
palehorse864: [](/rockmuffin)This is the one problem I had with Breaking Bad. It was a brilliant show, but we never saw Hank making any cold calls to criminals.
lukjad007: [](/angrybelle) WHOA, WHOA! Spoilers dude!
palehorse864: [](/ahambreakfast) Spoilers: Walt Jr. loves breakfast.
In Season 4, Gus Fring runs a chicken franchise.
lukjad007: [](/angrypie) I'LL SKIN YOU ALIVE! I thought he ran a BBQ chain!
palehorse864: [](/deviousbelle)Ahh! I must defend myself with bad puns!
"Hmm, Hector Salamanca... That name rings a bell."
lukjad007: [](/16bitpie) Oh, are we doing puns? I can do puns.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
[Punchline](/spoiler "About halfway...")
palehorse864: [](/poutybelle)Elephino. No wait, ok... I give up.
lukjad007: [](/16bitpie) About halfway!
By the way, when I say "puns", I mean bad jokes.
palehorse864: [](/rimshot)Ooh, I've never heard that one. Please tell me you heard he one I just gave a punch line to.
lukjad007: [](/ppcry) I don't think I do!
palehorse864: [](/maudjoke)What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
lukjad007: [](/16bitpie) Nice!
I don't trust atoms. They make up everything.
| 18 | 155.555556 | |
1409580184 | 1409624725 | t3_2f647z | t5_2to41 | 164 | [deleted]: TIFU and spent $370 to get blue balled by 2 different prostitutes
I figured you guys might like this; this literally happened a few hours ago, between the hours of 1-4AM. I was drinking and wanted to fuck so I went on Backpage to look for prostitutes and searched for girls doing outcalls since I was drunk and didn't want to drive.
I get two replies, one from a MILF and one from an alright looking chubby girl. I tell the MILF to come on by and after a few texts she's at my door.
I left the envelope with her money on the dining room table and when she came in we sat at the table and talked for a little bit. She asks if the envelope is for her, I say yes, then she takes it and says she needs to go to her car to get massage oils or whatever. So I return to watching GoT and after a few minutes I'm like where's this bitch at? Look out my window and MOTHERFUCKER the bitch is gone.
So with that $160 down the drain I'm pissed as hell, but my dick needs a release, so I reply to the chubby girl's text asking if she's available. She is and she comes by about an hour after the shit with the MILF went down.
When the chubby girl arrived, she was not chubby, she was fat. Not like overly obese or anything, just fatter than in her pictures. So we get down to it and she's not a very good hooker. She's not acting like she's into it, won't kiss, won't suck cock bare, terrible hand jobs and even a terrible condom blow job. I'm needing my cock sucked bareback so I ask and she said she would if I tip her $50. Done. She takes off the condom and after less than a minute stops because she doesn't like the pre-cum taste. BITCH WTF DID I JUST PAY YOU FOR?! I thought the general consensus is that big girls suck good dick. So then we start fucking and I ask her to ride me...but she just sits on top of me making me do the work. It felt like she was rushing me the whole time asking when I was going to cum and she cut me off a few minutes before I did.
After she left, I was pissed. My balls were blue and instead of jerking off, I played through a rift in Diablo 3, then went to sleep. This was my first time dealing with hookers, ever. I now know why everyone says don't trust BP and only look on review sites like TER. There's a girl on TER that I've been eying and will call today.
Tl;dr: got scammed by a MILF, fucked fat chick who didn't suck dick.
west_ofnowhere: never pay for sex, that's my rule. Some of the best sex is for free.
LiirFlies: Some of the best sex is free? All of the best sex is free.
(Maybe not true if you're really rich and can get laid for free easily but choose to pay for high-class escorts.)
One further thought... Let's be real. No sex is free.
bonobosonson: It's free if you make your own knife.
olivialarene: Didn't you ever learn about TINSTAAFL in Economics?
"There is no such thing as a free lunch". Everything comes at a cost in some way or another.
bonobosonson: But if I have a knife it doesn't cost *me* anything. So it's all fine.
Resnov_: Where'd you get the knife then huh?
bonobosonson: Like I said, if you make your own knife it doesn't cost anything. Think of it as a D.I.Y project.
Resnov_: Costs your time and effort.. I'm just kinda screwing with you I had an economics teacher who was such an ironcunt about this concept.
| 9 | 18.222222 | |
1412000453 | 1412013564 | t3_2hsg7h | t5_2to41 | 15 | TheBlairventure: TIFU by leading on a girl from Russia to come to Australia to meet me
So a month back this Russian girl emailed me saying she found my dating profile online (I've never made one) and that we were a match and started to email me. The thing is, I'm 18 and she's 27. At this moment I was confused as fuck, I started to go along with it and made up a fake persona of who I was and used photos around the internet of what I looked like and shared things about my "life".
So after several emails back and forth, I think she's actually starting to actually like this fake me. She wrote to me last week that she is now on a vacation and wants to come to Australia to meet me. I said that I think this is going way too fast but she insisted this was great and she was so excited. Sh emailed me yesterday saying she has passport ready and all her papers and is heading to Moscow to fly over to Australia.
**tl;dr**: Russian girl starts emailing me; develops feelings for my fake persona I made and wants to travel to Australia to see me. I'm a dick.
1980sForever: It's a scam. So long as you haven't paid for the flight which is what I understand usually happens you have nothing to worry about. Just enjoy watching her on TV when the new series of Nothing to Declare is back on next year.
TheBlairventure: Hahahahahah this is gonna be hilarious
SimWebb: be careful now, OP. If she's a scammer and is actually flying all the way in, she might have a backup plan to ensure she gets SOMETHING out of you.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1411995403 | 1412517508 | t3_2hs8ix | t5_2to41 | 10 | blinxhero: TIFU by crashing my parents car into the house
Okay, so (very) small backstory first:
I've had my learners for quite a while, but I have been hesitant to take the wheel... until today.
So my mum convinces me to spend 5 minutes learning the basics (car's a manual, so all the gear jazz) just to get me used to it. All is going well, then she instructs me to start the engine. I decided to see what happens if you try and start it without pushing on the clutch pedal. The power cuts out as I turn the key and comes back to life again as I return it to that engine-off-but-powering-the-electronics setting. Neat.
I soon decide I've had enough fun and slam the clutch down while turning the key. The engine roars to life as I begin to gain some composure.
Before I know it, the car lunges forward and nearly takes down the wall of the storage room! Ah fuck! That's where all my dad's drum equipment is! I look over to my mum, who has already said several expletives under her breath; she isn't one to swear very much at all.
As I begin to comprehend the situation and how it could have possibly happened, my mum jumps out to assess the damage. Nothing but a few scratches on the car, a now unusable shelf and a dent in the wall. The drums were spared!
As for how it happened, I have no idea. The handbrake was on, I had my foot on the clutch pedal and even though it's a possibility, I'm almost certain I didn't have my other foot on the accelerator.
I've been assured it is in no way my fault by both of my parents, but it's gonna cost them $800 alone for the car, so I can't help but feel guilt.
And to make things a tad more interesting? I spent most of last night watching car crash videos on YouTube. So yeahh... I think I'm good in the passengers seat for a while.
TL;DR: Read the title.
YouBloodyDunGoofed: If you have an auto available, you should spend around 30 hours in the auto prior to learning a manual.
blinxhero: I wish I had an auto available. Only two manuals, which sucks. Also, quite relevant username. You must hang around this subreddit a lot.
YouBloodyDunGoofed: Ah that sucks.
Haha yeah spent too much time of r/tifu.. :C
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1412000807 | 1412087359 | t3_2hsgr2 | t5_2to41 | 2,208 | CollegeVapeFire: TIFU by waking up 3,500 people.
This happened at about 6am this morning.
I was at this girls dorm all night long and I was using my recently acquired vape. I was getting comfortable with it and decided to try some heavy smoke tricks (you can see where this is going) and eventually the smoke rose right above me, right into the smoke detector. All of a sudden it starts beeping and the girl looks at me and tells me to get into her closet. I sprint to her closet, barely fit, and wait as I hear people screaming and shouting to get out of the dorms and how this wasn't a drill.
Four minutes pass of me waiting in the closet listening to the alarm scream at me for my gigantic fuck up. The girl texts me saying that I need to get out ASAP and how the fire department is on its way and that they'll be searching rooms for the fire. I flip the fuck out and sprint across the room after turning off the light and struggle in the dark to open her window (thankfully it was on the ground floor) but I couldn't get it open for the life of me. I hear sirens and adrenaline shoots through my body. I can see the lights flashing off of the walls and now I go into fight or flight mode and jerk the window as hard as I can, it opens and I jump out.
Now comes the hard part. I had to evade people and escape the college. I channel my inner Skyrim character and go into full blown stealth mode. I sneak along a brick wall and peak around it, it lead to the parking lot where my car was. Just to make my luck even worse, the campus security car was parked right next to mine. I now play the waiting game and sneak to my car as the officer makes his way to the college. I casually walk up to my car, hop in, and drive home to post this.
What makes it even worse is that they traced the alarm to her room and she had to make some kind of crazy excuse to get the President and her RA off her back.
TL;DR - I woke up an entire college by showing off smoke tricks, causing the alarm to go off, and an epic stealth mission to ensue.
frosty95: Soo... Why did you have to sneak out?
ArtThouAngry:
"I was at this girls dorm all night long and I was using my recently acquired vape."
I'm assuming because it was a guy in a girls dorm.
Rappaccini: What is this, the 1950's? I thought dorms were all coed now.
Dumblydoe: My university doesn't have any coed dorms.
[deleted]: Neither did mine but it was never a problem for guys and girls to hang out in the other genders dorm
Dumblydoe: Girls hanging out in a guy's dorm was fine, but it was difficult the other way around.
[deleted]: What is the logic there?
Dumblydoe: The male RAs were awesome and just looked the other way. Essentially they didn't enforce the rules as hard.
The female RAs enforced the rules to no end.
Opposite gender visitation is only allowed from 10am to midnight.
"Oh it's 9:50 am? You have to wait outside."
[deleted]: thanks, i hadn't even thought about lax enforcement
| 10 | 220.8 | |
1409581784 | 1409619331 | t3_2f66a9 | t5_2to41 | 3,011 | Leedsy: TIFU thinking I was saving my friends life
This happened a few years back as teenagers.
So me and my friend agreed to help his dad at his allotment (a small patch of land where people like to grow fruit and veg and store porn in their sheds)
It was a typical English summers day (cloudy with light drizzle).
After we were done pulling weeds and sweeping leaves and mud away, I look over to see my friend holding on to an electricity pylon with both hands. On a second look I can see him shaking quite violently.
Panic and adrenalin kick in. I am convinced I am watching my friend die in front of me from an electric shock. I scramble into the shed and find a thick broom. I sprint out with tears in my eyes coming to terms he is already dead. I sprint over with the broom over my head (looking like Gandalf at the end of ROTK) and bring it crashing down on both his arms in an attempt to save him from a crispy death. The crack I hear is not from an electrical discharge but it's both his arms fracturing as he crumples to the floor calling me a cunt.
TL;DR My mate was shaking mud from his boots so I broke both his arms thinking he was receiving an electric shock from a pylon.
EDIT - Front page on my birthday! Thanking you
A few people calling me out on BS? This happened 14 years ago. I'm sure I'm not the first or last to make a similar mistake. I can't do much more to convince you this is genuine
2nd EDIT - Sorry this didn't happen today. 14 years ago I was still using MSN messenger and Facepic. I'm fairly new to the Reddit party (but I brought beer)
Final edit: Cheers for Gold!
chaseizwright: "Today" I fucked up..... 15 years ago.... Wtf
AndThusThereWasLight: Dude. It doesn't have to be from today. Shut the fuck up.
Iceman5363: Clues in the name dipshit. TODAY I fucked up
AndThusThereWasLight: >**All titles must start with "TIFU".** However, your fuck-up doesn't need to be from today.
Fuck off.
Iceman5363: phahahaha go play with your apocolypse friends you little mug
AndThusThereWasLight: Nice job going into my comment history. Go bother someone your own age, please.
Iceman5363: how old are you, 11?
AndThusThereWasLight: Okay. Now you're just being a dick.
Iceman5363: You started it by been a complete cunt to the first guy you replied to
AndThusThereWasLight: That's for him and I. If he's offended by it, he can say something.
| 11 | 273.727273 |
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