start_date stringlengths 10 10 | end_date stringlengths 10 10 | thread_id stringlengths 8 10 ⌀ | subreddit stringclasses 1 value | subreddit_id stringclasses 1 value | total_score int64 -564 194k | text stringlengths 52 58.9k | num_messages int64 3 160 | avg_score float64 -55.17 14.3k |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
1354866979 | 1354938949 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | thebornotaku: TIFU by misinterpreting pricetags, and playing it off.
So, I work in a grocery store that's kind of upscale and we sell all kinds of housewares and trinkets and stuff, including, but not limited to, hand towels. The nice cloth kinds.
A customer comes up front with a bundle of these things. There's like 5 to a bundle, and they're sewn together with a few strands of thin thread -- enough to hold them together but easily removed once purchased.
Each hand towel had a tag on it with a price, but since they were bundled together, I figured the single unit price ($7.49) was the price for the bundle (hint: it wasn't). Occasionally they'll put multiple price tags with the same price on an item or group of items that's meant to go together and I assumed that's what was going on here.
My customer was unclear about the pricing and so was I, but checkers are afforded a little liberty and they were sewn together from the manufacturer so I figured the $7.49 price was for the bunch and rung it in as such.
When I rung it in, I said something like "Oh well if they're not going to make it clear what the pricing is, then I'm not gonna waste my time trying to figure it out".
I suppose in most instances, the customer would be stoked and just accept it but as it turns out, she interpreted my joking comment a little more seriously and complained that I came off like I didn't care about my job. I don't know if she complained about the pricing or whatnot but my bosses found out and I got written up.
Turns out I had undercharged her by about $36 total and my manager was trying to tell me that it's "common sense" that a bunch of hand towels wouldn't be $7.49 for all of them... but I would think it'd be more ridiculous to charge ~$40 for them.
tl;dr: misinterpreted a price tag, joked about not caring, customer complained, bosses got pissed when they realized I undercharged, told me I'd get fired if I did it again.
[deleted]: Really? No one is wondering why someone would by hand towels at a grocery store? That's stuff I buy at Walmart/Target/Any-other-store because supermarkets jack up the prices for convenience.
ookami210: Walmart and Target are grocery stores in a sense...
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1354890831 | 1354985682 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | puddlesplasher: TIFU: I tried to be funny and broke the railing on my stairs and my car.
My friend was going to pull into the driveway next to mine so he could get into my car. In an attempt to be funny, I was going to swing the car around quickly and park right in front of him. What I ended up doing was not make the turn. The bannister/railing on the outside staircase to the porch was much closer than I thought. I ended up hitting the railing with the front, right of my car. I broke the railing completely, just snapped a huge chunk out and then cracked my bumper real good.
TIFU. I won't be driving for awhile.
**Update:** The total damage done to the bannister is $500. We've gotten one estimate on the car, and it's $675, which seems a bit steep.
I_Am_So_Awesome: You are a grade-A moron.
HaydenTheFox: Hey there shitstick, remember me? Just dropping by to say "fuck you, asswipe."
I_Am_So_Awesome: Nope, don't remember you.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1354896077 | 1354926387 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | spidy96: TIFU by watching my best friend die when I could have avoided it
flavroftheweek: You know, you can tell us about your dog getting hit by a car, and it will still be meaningful. You don't need some bullshit twist ending. I would have liked to hear about Oreo, and I think he deserves his true life to be heard, as you did fuck up which led to his death.
darthelmo: The fuck up was the O. Henry retelling of the event.
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1354892116 | 1355300844 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | [deleted]: TIFU my class presentation.
So today my project team and I were giving a presentation. It was about a big multinational's operations in Asia. I spoke about the company's strong focus on food products, and that it should instead focus more on personal care products.
Then someone (Asian girl) from the audience said:'' hold on, that company is already focussing heavily on personal care products, and not on food. You are saying the opposite of what is true.''
I didn't really know how to respond. I wasn't terribly sure if what I had claimed was true, since I got it from some website, but she seemed to be certain. So this made me look like an idiot and it messed up my whole vibe. What made matters worse, is that one of my teammates suddenly felt the urge to cry out that the girl was right and I was 100% wrong and that I should've checked my sources better. The whole class + lecturer is staring and laughing at me at this point. The lecturer also feels that this is the right time to ask more detailed questions about all of this, I couldn't properly answer any. I endured and continued my story but I knew it was a lost cause. Pretty embarrassing.
**TLDR**: I looked like an idiot in front of my classmates and teacher because I didn't have my facts straight. TIFU.
Monsieur_Mangetout: Teammate fucked up if you ask me. Never throw a team member under the bus. Ever.
nocigs-noporno: yeah im with you. thats fucked up for a teammate to do. but hey lesson learn.
| 3 | 6.333333 | |
1354898935 | 1354947470 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by bumping a pedestrian with my car
I was at a crosswalk waiting to make a right turn. I was looking left for traffic but didn't look right for pedestrians. I let go of the brake and crept up. When I look left I see a guy and immediately stop. He is leaning on my car. Put my hands up in shock. He and his mom look at me and they walk away, probably shaken. I'm shaken too. I drive away since nobody seems to be hurt. They're on the other side of the road on the sidewalk, walking away and looking at me, as I drive away.
What I'm worried about
* He's hurt in some way
* Somebody called it in and I'm in for a surprise
I didn't feel any resistance on the car and I'm starting to figure I just barely stopped before really hitting him. The fact that they walked away at a brisk pace and didn't try to get my info helps that. Could be adrenaline though. Still, another car could have called it in.
Do you figure I'm in a heap of trouble or just had a seriously close call? All I can do now is learn from this and never take driving less than 110% serious.
imward: Always look out for cyclists and pedestrians, but if they walked away it's not a hit and run or anything.
five_hammers_hamming: "Hit-and-walk"
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1354899123 | 1354921558 | null | t5_2to41 | 50 | TheWumboMan: TIFU by breaking the most expensive present I've ever received
First of all here's some background information. My family is fucking poor. Ever since I was born 16 years ago we have always struggled with bills and money. My mum works full time and my dad full time but we still only just scrape by. I've been looking for a job but we live in one of the poorest areas of England so there's barely any jobs available for adults let alone teenagers.
Last year I decided to be selfish and ask for an iPod Touch for Christmas. And somehow my parents managed to get the £200 it cost without us not having food for a couple of days.
Fast forward to a couple of days ago and it is raining heavily outside. i didn't think much of it and as usual I walked to college whilst listening to some music. Unfortunately water managed to get inside my iPod and started to corrode the charging component. Since then my iPod has been randomly dropping in and out of charge but this morning it just refused to charge. The component is completely covered in corrosion and I'd have to send it away to get it fixed. And that isn't going to happen. So yeah. I fucked up.
pallawatsch: I'm not too sure of this (since it might be a different way of service for me in the US), but I think since you've only had your iTouch for about a year, it's still under warranty and you *can* send it in to be repaired of replaced without charge. I'm not too certain, though. You should really inquire on the Apple website about it, though, and see what you can do.
depricatedzero: This. Apple's big pricetag is partly because of their service plan.
kneeonball: No it's because they like big profit margins. Their service plan is only for hardware failures and stuff like that. Not accidental damage. They even sell their Apple Care protection plan with Macbook Pros and stuff to increase their coverage to 3 years, but it's automatically voided if there is any accidental damage such as water damage (they have a decent amount of sensors on the logic board to check for this), dropping it and leaving a big enough dent, etc...
depricatedzero: Meh, I'm a certified tech so I buy Lenovo cause I can work on it without voiding the Warranty. Generally dislike Apple.
Still worth a shot.
kneeonball: Yeah I love my Lenovo, the only reason I have a Macbook Pro is because I get one from work. I did tech support not too long ago at my university and got to learn all about how Apple's service plan sucks if you do anything to your computer. He'd send it in and they're probably just going to say that he'll have to pay. Either way it needs to be repaired so unless he wants to go with a 3rd party, he'll be sending it in anyway.
depricatedzero: I have friends who are big mac nerds, and I'm starting to learn Objective-C so I can push apps out to iPhone too - they've always vaunted Mac's support plan, but I guess user damage has never come. I'll have to ask em about it.
kneeonball: For everything that goes wrong with it under warranty that isn't the fault of the owner it's great. But don't think the high price is because of this service. Every company should fix their own product under warranty if it's their fault it's broken (think hardware failure, manufacturing error, etc..). People seem to praise Apple for this when pretty much all other companies do the same under warranty. Apple just does it faster usually (and I will admit some companies aren't as willing to fix things).
| 8 | 6.25 | |
1354902632 | 1354965165 | null | t5_2to41 | 495 | grant0: TIFU by waking up wrong and failing to stand. Wow.
I set my alarm clock across the room from me to make me get up to turn it off, otherwise I can turn it off in my sleep. Today my alarm went off, and I stood up to turn it off…without realizing that both my legs were still asleep. I instantly collapsed and twisted both my legs in an inhuman manner. I couldn't stand up so had to crawl around my apartment searching for the strongest painkillers I could find. Ever since, I've been walking around with a horrific limp, trying to think of better reasons for my limp than "I suck at standing up."
Bobgle: Does the alarm clock thing across the room thing work for you? Because I still can't get up when turning it off, I don't even remember turning it off, maybe I'm not even waking up, I don't know it.
A_plural_singularity: I have this issue. Except mine is to the point i sleep through them. I'm Lucky if the ol' lady doesn't punch me to wake me up to turn them off.
[deleted]: What I did was get a radio alarm. You set it so when the alarm goes off, it plays the radio. The radio station you set it to is simply the station that comes in the loudest. Now you set your volume on maximum.
It wakes you up because it's loud, and because the "alarm" is different every morning. It also has the "advantage" of scaring you shitless so you're actually awake when you awaken.
A_plural_singularity: I have five alarms on my phone. I have to to do math to shut them off. I have a conventional buzzer alarm. A radio alarm. And a beeper alarm that is 90 decibels. Ill sleep right through them.
I was living in my dads basement and he was putting in a bathroom. The were using an air compressor and a chop saw. I slept through them. I sleep like the dead.
[deleted]: I think there is something wrong with you.
A_plural_singularity: It's called im an extremely heavy sleeper. I blame my mom. Cause when I was a baby she used to vacuum underneath my crib while i was taking a nap. She trained me this way.
| 7 | 70.714286 | |
1354869774 | 1354931889 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | strappingyoungpeople: TIFU by opening up a browser full of porn tabs in front of my professor and possibly outing myself
Met during office hours for finals prep, wanted to reference something online, opened Chrome, forgot I had pinned a bunch of porn in my tabs the night before. Very quickly closed it down and said "Oh that's not working, let's use Firefox." Prof either didn't notice that (and me blushing like a maniac) or was exceptionally professional because we managed to continue on our conversation pretty seamlessly and she didn't say anything about it. Still embarrassing nonetheless.
HeWasAZombie: I bring my personal laptop to work frequently so I can keep my work and personal stuff separate. Well one day I turned on my laptop and the first thing that shows up on my screen is a huge pic of gay porn (bear porn specifically). I didn't register what happened for a second, then it hit me and I quickly closed it. Fortunately nobody noticed (that I know of).
darthelmo: I know I'm gonna regret this, but-"bear porn"?
HeWasAZombie: Hairy, generally portly gentlemen.
darthelmo: Oh. Okay. Thank you for enlightening me.
| 5 | 8.2 | |
1354908249 | 1355426386 | null | t5_2to41 | 299 | smellyhookercunt: TIFU by remembering something really, really awful.
Okay, so this happened like 5 years years ago and I wasn't able to put the pieces together until now.
I was rummaging through my parents bedroom looking for porn, as I knew my dad had some DVD's stashed in his dresser drawer. I was too afraid to use the internet in fear of leaving history behind. As a girl who didn't watch a lot of porn, I didn't know how to delete the history, and did not want to risk it. I came across one DVD that was just blank and had nothing on it. Curious, I put it in the DVD player and it was a homemade porn with some red headed girl in it. The video never showed the mans face, but he was hairy. I remember I turned it off because it was too fucking boring to watch.
For some reason this afternoon my mind decided to take me back to this day. It all makes sense now...the hairy man in the video? My dad. The red head? The girl he had been cheating on my mother with from his work. (She found out) ....But yeah I tried to masturbate to my fucking dad and I feel like a sick piece of shit.
KittenPurrs: Chin up, sister. It may feel creepy as fuck, but you didn't know at the time. If you intentially masturbated to your dad, that might place you further into the sick range. In reality, you were uninterested in a vid starring dear old dad. I think you owe your subconscious a incest-avoidance high-five for that one.
WeAreAlsoTrees: this. yes.
fuk_dapolice: why all the downvotes?
WeAreAlsoTrees: oh, hey! look at that. beats the hell outta me. maybe it's frowned upon to agree to a post with a post? does that make me a karma whore? i dunno, i'm new. fuck it, i still agree with KittenPurrs.
edit: upvote for fuk_dapolice. for noticing. that's an edit, right? i mean, it's not really, i guess. but, like, i forgotted to do that, and it is polite so i done it. there. take that.
| 5 | 59.8 | |
1354916690 | 1355217440 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | mueslimonster: TIFU charity
I was just out at the snack bar getting myself some warm fries and a cheese souflet. While waiting for the order, somebody is apparently creating some arguments and annoying people, but I don't pay attention because I'm reading a newspaper. But when my order was called, this annoying guy actually tries to collect my order. Of course I interject, and the owner gives the food to me. At that moment, I notice that this ¨annoying guy¨ is actually a homeless guy from my town!
He must've be really hungry, to be in the snack bar trying to collect other people's food.
I guess hunger must suck really bad, so I looked at the menu to order a big bag of fries with mayonnaise for the man. It would've been cheap to do so. But as I reach for my wallet I simply think ¨no, I should not reward annoying behaviour¨ and step outside.
Right now the guy is probably trying to sleep on the cold streets with an empty stomach. It must not be nice. Reddit, TIFU.
trouphaz: You fucked up. As far as I'm concerned, this is not a moral dilemma at all. Someone trying to get money is one thing because I can understand not wanting to give your own money to support someone else's drug and/or booze problem. This isn't a dog you need to train. You wouldn't be rewarding annoying behavior. You would've been helping another man in need.
RivanKing: I don't think he fucked up. Humans are trained in the same way dogs are really. OP would have been rewarding the behavior, attempting to take another's food, and the bum would have continued to do it. It's a case of instrumental conditioning.
leparkr: Ok so with your thinking that humans are trained like dogs, that would mean the bum wouldnt steal food if he was punished? I dont think so, if ur hungry and u have no means despite being punished you are going to keep stealing food. I do agree though that the op necessarily didnt fuck up it just depends what kind of person you are.
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1354926526 | 1355148619 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | [deleted]: TIFU by pretending to shoot myself in part of a joke to a friend who's father just committed suicide.
He didn't say anything, but we both knew. He saw my fuckup and changed the subject, good guy friend.
imnotcooldude: I played a rape sketch with my ex and I was laughing really hard about the joke but then I remembered that she kind of just got raped. I changed video saying it wasn't funny at all, it was very childish. This was after I was laughing really hard for a minute or so.
WeirdIdeasCO: Oh, dude. Just...no.
imnotcooldude: oh,yes.
| 4 | 10.75 | |
1354909156 | 1355004216 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | GoGreenGiant: TIFU by driving in the rain with bald tires
I know my tires were shit. I was ready to get new ones, but was lazy about it because well, they are damn expensive. Normally I buy used for $30 a piece, and had some miss-matched oldies that had to go. I had one good tire on the car.
So I've been putting the tires off, but plan a short trip overnight to a town a few hours away. last trip, then I'm going to find a good deal on tires and get this done before winter. Everything is going good.
I'm on my way home with a light drizzel. I am on my way strait in to work. No big deal. Half hour from home, the rain starts coming down as I am on the expressway, approx 70 mph. I can feel my back end hydroplaning, sliding all around and getting very fish tail like. I DO NOT CRASH.
I'm scared shit less in the rain with cars and semis going by me. I pull off the shoulder. everything looks OK, less the bald tires. I pull out get to the right lane, and drive slow 50 mph with hazzards on. Better, but still not good. Still very scary.
I have to get off the freeway, and get off to a side street I can still take home. Better, but still getting scary and sloppy in the rear end.
I'm really scared, freaking out, and this is just a personal safety issue that I can not ignore. I pull into a GoodYear shop, and agree to drop $600+ because I couldn't take the time to shop a good deal.
I have no back up at work, several hours late, need to get there and get shit done.
TL;DR Almost spun out on bad tires, not safe to drive at all, cost a shitload. Do not do this.
Daiephir: The fuck do you drive that it costs 600$+ to put tires on yet that you drove with 4 **mismatched, used** tires? Thats like the worst idea ever btw, never drive with **4** mismatched tires, I'd never drive with 2.
GoGreenGiant: Yes. I could not agree more, and that's what I learned today. Size was 215/50/R17.
And the point was that I paid way too fuckin much
It's a Mazda 6
Daiephir: You bought winter tires I assume? Cause Tirerack says it's in the price range for brand new winter tires with 215/50R17 as the specs.
GoGreenGiant: Nope, just general all season. I should note like $60 of that was for the allignment. I just looked online at tire discounters, they atart around $80 a tire. I was offered choices between $108 (which I took) and something like $130. They're Dunlop Tires
I'm looking at the receipt, they also added on like 60 for balancing or some shit.
The car was litterally undriveable. Afterwords, I cut that wet pavement like a knife through butter.
Also, On the radio a few hours later, I heard them mention that several accidents had just been cleared by the same exit I nearly lost it at. - Could've been me
Daiephir: All-seasons are the worst crap you can put on a car... You shouldn't need an alignment for changing tires. Balancing seems right-ish.
darthelmo: Maybe the alignment needed to be done anyway and the tire shop did it to prevent uneven wear on the tires. Just a thought.
| 7 | 2.142857 | |
1354928125 | 1354937846 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | spillpop: TIFU by rubbing metal into my eyeball
I'm a mechanic. I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened but this morning at work my left eye started bothering me. It was mild irritation at first which grew into unbelievable pain along with a lot of watering and inflammation.
All week I have been planning on meeting up tonight with this girl that I have been dating. After I had been sitting in urgent care for 2 hours I realized that there was probably no miracle to perform to fix my eye. I go in and the doctor says there's a large abrasion and a piece of metal in my eyelid. I immediately text the lady I'm supposed to meet up with and cancel.
Now I am sitting here eating Dominos and drinking beer alone.
Sorry about the grammar. I'm a fucking blind ass mechanic.
KittenPurrs: Corneal abrasions heal super quick. You'll probably no longer be a blind-ass mechanic by early next week.
Your lady friend will understand. And Dominos is now delicious since the revamp a couple years back, so you should revel in this moment of decent pizza, booze, and reddit. Or invite her over for potential "Oh, you poor sweet man, you're injured!" sex. Either way, enjoy the remainder of your night.
spillpop: Thanks! She understood and I'm meeting up with her tomorrow. It just sucks because I was looking forward to it all week.
KittenPurrs: That's incredibly sweet. Happy to hear you still get to see her this weekend.
Also, a quick heads-up... If they used a fluorescein stain to ID the abrasion, there's a good chance you're going to pee crazy colors tomorrow. The dye moves through the system virtually unchanged, and the result tends to terrify people who have already had a bad enough week with the eye injury. I had a buddy shoot me a text once that included a pic of his toilet water: "Please tell me my dick isn't about to fall off. My eye hurts too much to cry." Best text ever, and I still lord it over him because I am nothing if not absolutely professional.
spillpop: Funny. Sounds like something I would do. Thanks for the heads up and the info! I appreciate the support.
| 5 | 16.2 | |
1354941437 | 1355010528 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | van5000111: TIFU and crapped all over my bathroom wall.
I came home from school ran to the bathroom, pulled my pants down but it was too late. The poo flied ALLOVER my wall, not looking forward to cleaning it. :(
I_LIKE_THAT_SHIT: ಠ\_ಠ
*flied*
ReyasWI: Most appropriate username
I_LIKE_THAT_SHIT: ahhh....I knew the day would come when I would regret that.
| 4 | 9.25 | |
1354944420 | 1354948136 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | remind_me_to_study: Today, I told a story about something that happened a long time ago, then talked to my brother about it and found out I wasn't actually there. Now I feel crazy guilty and may have overreacted.
I remember an event from my childhood with immense clarity. I saw an AskReddit about something similar today, and I told the whole story. What happened, how I was involved, how it felt, and how it ended up. I told them a fantastic story, one I'd never really gotten to tell before.
I talked to my brother about it later. He got confused and informed me that I wasn't even there. I'd apparently overheard my parents talking about what had happened and dreamed about it. Then I assumed that dream was what really happened.
I freaked out and logged back onto Reddit, only to find someone had figured out where it had happened. In a panic, I deleted my story of it altogether, and then deleted my account for good measure. I didn't want to get karma for it, and I didn't want that information out there.
**TL;DR:** Misremembered an event from childhood, told Reddit, found out I wasn't even there, panicked, and deleted my account so as to not get undeserved karma. I'm an asshat.
five_hammers_hamming: >TIFU by deleting my Reddit account
FTFY
remind_me_to_study: Yeah, which means I can't even correct the original fuck-up. That's the major part.
I feel pretty crappy about having lied, even accidentally...
five_hammers_hamming: >I feel pretty crappy about having lied, even accidentally...
"Lie" is volitional. When you say you've lied, you say that you intentionally provided misinformation. So, you didn't lie then, but you might be lying here.
Tl;dr: it's not lying if it's accidental.
Edit: Though, I guess you must still feel bad about it. Sorry.
remind_me_to_study: I don't know what else to call it, though. Misinformed? I feel crappy to have made a claim that I did not realize was inaccurate? That might be more what it is, I guess.
And yeah, I do still feel bad about it. I found a charity associated with the incident in question and donated some cash to it. Not the best solution, but it's better than pretending I didn't fuck up somehow, right? Besides, given that I knew the people involved and they were good to me, I think it's only right to be good back to them.
| 5 | 1.4 | |
1354988929 | 1354997458 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | Anon_Chan: TIFU My mom ate my cum
Philias: How did she react? I mean, surely ejaculate tastes nothing like icing. Also, wouldn't it have been dry and crusty after 3 hours?
[deleted]: I am sure this is not the first time she tasted semen
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1354996996 | 1355074449 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,795 | Pokemon0891: Tifu zipping my pants.
At a friends house after a night of drinking and I precede to passout on his couch. He works at 5am and woke me up to move from the couch to the bed. I Quick go to the bathroom before even being cognitive and take a piss like any normal human being. I Quick zip my pants up and continue to get a glass of water before I go back to bed. Once I'm starting become more aware of whats going on I notice a throbbing pain from my man hood region, the tip of my dick is trapped in my zipper. Not only do I panic I start to hyper ventilate, sweat, and all around on the verge of tears from the immense pain. I decided to man up and just unzip it as fast as I could. Bad idea. I got my tip unzipped but at the price of a chunk of dick tip. It didn't end there. Still processing the pain and what the fuck I just did to "myself" I begin to feel sick. I proceed to stew in my own sweat to weak to pull my sweatshirt off, scared and in shock I throw up and passout on the toilet. Friend wakes me up thinking I just wasnt feeling good. It hurts to walk.
tl:dr: Zipped my dick tip, vomit and passout in shock.
edit: Just got done with work, I'm sorry I ruined so many peoples days...but then again imagine it actually happening to you. SO I feel no remorse. My dick is on a leave of absence for a while. I'm currently going to ease the pain with beer. Lots of it. Today sucked.
edit 2: I don't know how this edit thing works but I have horrible spelling, grammatical, and punctuation skills. Please don't hate me. I've learned my lesson.
edit 3: Fuck Up Of The Week? I'll take it.
Stratospheregy: >at the price of a chunk of dick tip.
This ruined my day.
Pokemon0891: Mine too.
Gamerhead: Are you ok? What happened after?
Pokemon0891: I feel asleep and woke up to pain. Allot of it.
Kaboose1442: I hope you are planning to see a dick doctor named dr.dick.
Pokemon0891: Naw, I won't be seeing much of Dr. Pussy either if that answers your question.
Kaboose1442: True true, dr.hand might be your best bet. I have heard he works quite well.
calibear09: He's a good man, and thorough.
867stevo: With Dr Hand, you don't even need to make an appointment.
chaopao: 867stevo, you're out of your element!
Pokemon0891: You know whats worse than getting your dick zipped? Having a negative comment on a thread. I upvoted you back to Switzerland. You're welcome.
chaopao: haha Thanks. I wasn't sure whether you were referring to my score or comment, but in case you thought I was being a dick, I was actually just continuing calibear09's referece from above. (Big Lebowski)
p.s. Hope your dick feels better man, that's some unfortunate shit.
| 13 | 138.076923 | |
1355004813 | 1355032611 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | MLP-FTW: TIFU by leaving my cell phone in my pocket, those shorts in turn then went through the laundry machine.
Just my regular weekend laundry day, and my sister hands me the the phone, my dad tells me he's been trying to reach me all day on my cell phone. After I get off the phone I started looking around for my cell phone. Only then did I realize that I left it in my pocket....As I run upstairs to to flip over the clothes to dry, I found my phone, it also is now an aquarium as water is now under the screen.
lindsayjustine: i'm betting now you'll always remember to check your pockets before doing laundry... : )
MLP-FTW: Yep...It was a hard lesson learned.
| 3 | 5.333333 | |
1355006158 | 1355048488 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | Hidethebag: I took a monstrous shit.
Ldpcm: Use a plunger... good luck!
MegatronStarscream: This should have been your first reaction, lol.
That said I dont even have a plunger in my house.
Hidethebag: I don't have a plunger either D:
| 4 | 2.25 | |
1355010444 | 1355022544 | null | t5_2to41 | 97 | suckmybaconplease: TIfu by accidentally asking a man when his baby was due
So today I go to the local Walmart to pick up a couple of items for my niece. I'm browsing the toddler and new born isle when I see a short person wearing a black sweater, pink eye glasses, sperrys, a large baby bump, and they also have their hair pulled up into a ball on the top of their head. We make eye contact and end up exchanging small talk. By their voice I knew it was a woman, well after a few minutes they say they have to go because their feet were hurting so I decide to say "well go home and let the little one rest too, which reminds me, how far along are you?" the person looks me in the eyes and says "I'm sorry but you must be mistaken, men can't get pregnant" and that's the last time I go shopping alone. http://imgur.com/ZiGI0
maplesweetie: Oh my! I've had something similar happen to me once.
suckmybaconplease: im not alone!
| 3 | 32.333333 | |
1355021285 | 1355090907 | null | t5_2to41 | 575 | tifu_broken_bones: TIFU by accidentally calling my roommate my wife, then accidentally proposing
I'm an orthopedic surgeon. I have a female roommate, and she's not good with gore. Sometimes I tease her by telling her horror stories from work. Sometimes she drops by work and we'll get coffee, lunch, or dinner. We had had plans for her to drop by work and to get dinner before heading home. She showed up 20 minutes early.
A teenager came in whose hand was at a 90 degree angle from his arm. Usually she waits for me in the waiting room. But someone had directed her over to me... and she was horrified. I tried to cover it up as quick as I could and told the nurse to get her out. I asked for someone to go check on her and get her a cup of tea. After I was finished with the kid and off the clock I headed out to see her. She was white as a sheet and in shock. I talked to her for a little bit, and with my help she stood up and we started walking toward the exit. She was a little uneasy so I had my arm around her waist supporting her. As we were leaving, one of the nurses said, "Goodbye, Dr. _____, and it was nice meeting your girlfriend." I responded with "Oh, she's not my girlfriend, she's my wife."
It was an honest slip of the tongue, but it was awkward. When we got home it was still awkward, and I'm not known for handling awkward situations well. She was trying to make it less awkward by making a green card joke- she's originally from Sweden. I tried to bounce off of it by making a "Let's go and get married!" joke. It didn't land as well as I thought it would, and she was awkward giggling, so I tried to make it less awkward. I did that by getting down on one knee and proposing to her. Like a "Full Name, will you marry me?" I don't know why. My mind just rushes and I do stupid things. She gave me a weird look, then laughed, said "Yeah right, I hope you love disappointment" and went up to bed. Honestly, I have no idea what she meant by that.
Yeah, I think I'm just going to ignore it until it goes away.
HaroldSax: I literally have no idea what to think of this.
LinkenSphere: this fuck up is honestly weird, is she that hot?
alphanumerica: Yeah at least he didn't slip out he masturbated to her, man that could have got a lot weirder.
HaroldSax: You know, that worked out in my favor once.
alphanumerica: There is a story to be told here, do continue...
HaroldSax: Drunk. Told a girl I slam the beef stick to her and she was incredibly offended and slapped me.
My friends found it so amusing, I got a free dinner at Outback. I'd say I came out on top.
Nautical94: I had hope for just a short second there, and you dashed it. I thought that was headed in a different direction.
HaroldSax: I fucked my friend's sister for a year and a half. That make you feel a little better?
Sure made me feel better.
| 9 | 63.888889 | |
1355029713 | 1355512210 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally sending a coworker a link to a NSFW subreddit.
I was talking to a work friend and my fiance on Facebook, while also browsing Reddit in another browser. Upon finding r/GabenGoneWild, I knew my fiance would love it, and popped back into Facebook to send it to him. But I didn't pay attention to which window I was in, and sent it to my work friend instead. I immediately send an explanation, but, she hasn't replied. That was an hour ago.
Also, this work friend has (as far as I'm aware) no idea what Reddit is, who Gaben is, or any idea why someone would photoshop his head on to sexy women's bodies.
I am considering never getting back on Facebook.
riotousdefect: I had no idea that subreddit even existed.
Your fuckup has provided me with hours of chuckles. Thank you.
llama_delrey: You're welcome!
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1355029034 | 1355079718 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by using the word "niggardly" correctly and in context. Now people assume I'm a racist bigot.
loafers_glory: Irish here. We get the same problem with the term 'nigs', which means 'dibs not ...' or 'shotgun not ...'; the last person to say it (for example when the doorbell rings, or when not wanting to sit in the centre back seat of a car, etc) has to sit in the bitch seat / answer the doorbell / whatever.
Its origins are completely benign: It's an old term from our childhood from casual soccer games, and nobody wanted to be the goalkeeper because it's boring. So everyone would yell NIGs, short for 'Not In Goals', and the last person to say it had to be the goalie.
Very hard to get away with using it outside Ireland though, but since the origin is different, then if people frown on that word, I would put that on the same level of insufferability as people who say 'herstory'.
The worst case of this word I ever heard was one time in university when several of us all yelled it so as not to have to rack a new frame of pool, right as two Nigerian students walked into the room...
**TL;DR** Nigs is a similar racist-sounding word that actually has no racial etymology, but can sting you out of context.
Cyc68: Where in Ireland is that? Not doubting you but I've never heard it.
loafers_glory: I grew up in southeast Dublin, around the Dundrum/Stillorgan/Blackrock area...
Cyc68: Fair enough
| 5 | 14 | |
1355028605 | 1355113707 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | hops56: TIFU by putting icy hot on my boyfriends balls
He shaved them yesterday. It was bad. Very very bad.
darkrock: this can't be that bad, can it? I'm gonna go try...
B_Man364: How's that goin on for ya
darthelmo: OP has been hospitalized. In a rubber room.
Sir_Narwhal: loled.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1355029356 | 1355810816 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | edge_of_glory: TIFU by shitting on myself twice.
I woke up this morning to my granny making breakfast and an urge to vomit. I figured it was because I had not eaten for a few hours. So I decide to shower and prepare for my sexy times later on. I decide to put on these lacy black boy shorts that are essentially made for sexy times and my new maxi dress. Breakfast is done so I get my bacon and eggs on one plate and put the other down to go to get my pancakes. While waiting on my little brother to move I feel an ungodly rumble in my gut which can only be described as a sign from hell. I ignore it and assume it is gas. Big mistake, I fart and shit on myself covering my ass, legs, feet and floor in hot, bubbling, boiling, rancid foul shit. It smelled like a skunk crawled in my ass and died after having a litter of stillborn babies. I quickly waddle to the bathroom leaving a trial of shit to the bathroom. Since I didnt have on normal underwear I got shit everywhere in the bathroom. After rinsing my dress and panties I started to clean the bathroom up. After a quick vomit in the toilet and bleach, pine sol and air freshener the bathroom was as good as new. While I was in there my granny had managed to clean my poo trail and reheat my food.
After the first accident I was a little leery of farts so I pretty much ran to the bathroom anytime I had to fart. I was feeling better so I decided to head to go to my little cousins church banquet. I ate drank and was merry. I decide to play with the smaller kids since they were becoming a tad unruly. All of a sudden I feel that same rumble again, I quickly sprinted to the bathroom, quickly pulled down my pants before releasing what can only be known as hot lava shit on to my pants, the seat and floor. I had to text my grandma to come help me out but before she could get there a lady from the church came in and helped me. After removing my pants and other garments she hands me a bag to put them in and hands me a huge sheet to wrap around myself. I again start cleaning up my shit and try to clean my self as best as I can. My grandma shows up with an adult diaper and a change of clothes. So now I am sitting here with an adult diaper praying I dont shit on myself in my sleep.
TL;DR: My diaper is riding up on me and I think I have a rash.
blaqkkat: I think it's safe to assume you didn't get the planned for sexy times did you.
edge_of_glory: he canceled at the last minute so blue petals and poop
blaqkkat: It's probably better that way...
edge_of_glory: maybe, I just really wanted sexytimes and I get canceled on and then shit myself
blaqkkat: i dunno at the rate you were going if things hadn't been canceled you probably would have shat during sexy times...better to save it for later.
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1355008664 | 1355273482 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | goldenjuicebox: TIFU by dumping chocolate milk on my iPhone.
Yes, I dumped chocolate milk on my iPhone. It was charging pleasantly on the table. My cup of milk was sitting pleasantly near it. That is fuck up number one. Number two was when I decided to grab my cup for a drink of that lovely beverage. Miss. I hit the cup and the milk went flying on my phone. I have never ran so fast than when I did to get some rice to throw my phone in. I also managed to wipe excess milk off with my shirt. It has survived (for now-last time it got wet, it took days to take effect) and is currently in a bag of rice. Fuck.
frenchfrieskl: Was it the 5?
goldenjuicebox: Nope, the 4. I don't have money (or the desire) for a 5 so I'm glad it's safe.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1355053399 | 1355498184 | null | t5_2to41 | 528 | vomitstrain: TIFU by trying to poop so hard I vomited.
I had just had a big lunch and I really needed to go, but my colon thought otherwise. I ended up pushing so hard that I vomited all over my pants and shoes.
darkrock: it's off to /r/shittingadvice with you. specifically, never force it, and never force it that hard.
bored2242: Reddit ruins the innocence and ignorance of the young, the fact that this sub exists.. it makes me feel so shitty about being on here..
darkrock: You're in a subredddit that says **FUCKED** in the title^^never ^^mind ^^all ^^the ^^subs ^^marked ^^NSFW , and you are worried about a subreddit devoted to helping people have healthy poops and the affect of *that* subject matter on the young?
You've got to be trolling me, or you're right, you should leave, or woosh, I missed the joke.
edit: after my rant, I realize that it's also possible that you read the title of the subreddit without realizing that it's actually there to help people, not there to gross people out.
bored2242: I was initially referring to the entire website, as it can certainly hurt your eyes and scar your imagination (tifu magnetic eurethra was worse than horror movies to me when I was 7yrs old) but it is true, I did not realize what this sub was for and found some rather disgusting results when I searched shitting advice in the search bar. This is a terrible website, where many people just belong..
riotousdefect: Magnetic urethra was one of my all-time favorite posts.
| 6 | 88 | |
1355067284 | 1355095519 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | MyJustMeHere: TIFU by accidentally slitting the side of my wrist.
I was in the shower and with a razor and to make a long story short I ended up cutting the side of my wrist with it, it's been bleeding for at least an hour now and it bloody hurts.
AnnieIWillKnow: If it scars people will reckon you self-harm. I have some think scars on my forearm all in a line (they're actually cat scratches), and I've had strangers comment and ask if I self-harm.
MyJustMeHere: Yeah people tend to think a lot of stuff about me so this isn't gonna be much different from usual, but thanks for the tip off!
sunev: You need to take care of the bleeding first but...
I had a 4mm cyst removed from my hand which left a pretty deep hole. The doc said she could stitch it but since it wasn't bleeding at all, it wasn't necessary...just keep it packed with vaseline, twice a day. It took almost a month to heal but I don't think there will be any scar. I think if I had let it crust over, I would have had a noticeably deep scar.
| 4 | 4 | |
1354933400 | 1355090859 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | pingu2992: TIFU by trying to cartwheel during 5th period
So today, after all work was complete in Algebra, people starting doing cartwheels and handstands and such. I remembered being pretty good at cartwheeling (in 4th grade XO) and decided that I would try. I ended up getting about 1/4 of the way through the cartwheel before gravity did it's good work and I toppled onto my back. My head snapped back and hit the ground, and my left heel slammed into the ground. I limped the 3/4 mile long driveway back to my house and my heel felt like shit the entire rest of the day.
Underoverthrow: I can understand failing at cartwheels. Despite being a senior member (and last year's MVP) of my wrestling team, I still eat shit every time I try those in the warm-up. Some people's feet just don't belong above their heads.
That being said, why would you try this in a classroom...with a hard floor...and desks?
pingu2992: I don't know why. Hindsight makes me feel like even more of an idiot now than right after I fell.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1355079176 | 1355125564 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | [deleted]: TIFU by picking up a hitchhiker.
My friends an I have a decent amount of adventures together, they usually involve me being dragged through some racist part of Florida against my better judgement, like the Bithlo area, where not only is it a crime to be black but its pretty Goddamn un-American.
Anyway, so this trip we decided to stay around the UCF area and visit a friend of ours named Kevin, a good way to describe him is handsome; he's very attractive but he thinks he's black; in gangs, killed someone, arrested more times than OJ, black. Now Kevin also has an anger issue and a very short temper. I also have a bad habit of pressing his buttons. One major button is taking his beany. This is something that you just DO NOT DO, ever.
My friend Kelsey and I had met up with Kevin at his apartment, decided to get some food, and rode with him to Taco Bell. As soon as we got in the car I took his hat hostage, and he seemed unfazed by it, so I just kept it. As we're waiting in the drive thru he decides he wants it back. I was not ready to give the hat up, until he sang along with Backstreet Boys. A few "Give me my hat!" and "No!" later, he decided to get out of the car. Now I'm sitting in the backseat and Kelsey has shotgun, wondering what he could possibly be doing, until I watch him punch the back drivers side window, hard. Needless to say he got his beany back and we finished our pick up and drove the rest of the way back in silence. With Kelsey playing Bad Day by Daniel Powter, as a nice little cap off.
Honestly if that didn't happen then we would have stayed at Kevin's house longer and I wouldn't have been dropping Kelsey off at 2am and that means I probably wouldn't have picked up what I did.
After the window/Taco Bell fiasco I dropped off Kelsey and was starting my trek home, not even 600 ft away from her house, a woman ran into the middle of the street. On any other occasion I would have kept going, maybe nicked her to teach her a lesson, but the bitch was holding a baby, so I stopped. That was mistake number one.
This is mistake number 2: She asked for a ride to pick up her key. Her story went, "I was walking to go get my key from my step-dad's house, but then these cops started harassing me, and threatening to call DCF if I didn't get home, but they wouldn't give me a ride when I told them I was locked out. They just told me to get home, so thank you for stopping! Everyone else just drove past me." At that moment I wondered why everyone else, including the cops, ignored this woman? I shouldn't have listened to her.
Mistake 3: I said sure...
Mistake 4: I got out of my car to help her put the stroller in my trunk and got back in the car, she and the baby smelled like they hadn't taken a shower for days. This is made even worse by the fact that my car smells like smoke, and if I can smell you over that, you really REALLY stink.
These mistakes continue so lets cut the numbers. The first thing she asks is for me to "drive slow because there is no car seat" and she "doesn't want to get pulled over". I can slightly understand this, and I agree, I don't want to be pulled over with a woman I don't know and a possible stolen baby in the car. A stolen WHITE baby in the car, would not look good after what Casey Anthony got away with. So I drove slow.
About 5 miles out she directed me to her 'step dads house' Step dad looked to be about 29 years old and kinda sketchy, but she asked me to hold her baby while she went to talk to them. I asked her to please take the child, and she responded with, "But you may leave me and take my stroller." Fuck the child, I want a stroller. Anyway, little baby boy is staring at me like he knows his life is gonna be fucked. I look out the window and watch a drug deal go down. Woman is buying drugs from her "step dad." and has the gall to call me "home girl" No. No, no, no, no. Now step dad is looking at me with suspicion and I know why, he's never seen or heard of me before. I crouch down lower in my car and pray I don't become a statistic. Baby is just chewing on his fingers.
A few minutes pass and shes finally coming back to the car. "I got the keys!" She shakes them in my face as proof. She directs me back to the side of UCF I'm used to, the side with street lights. I drop her off around a mile away from Kelsey's house. I help her get her stroller and as she's saying by she asks for my number because "no one stopped and you're a cool chick, for watching my kid." Sadly that is not enough of a reason to be a possible accessory to whatever shit she's in but I respectfully declined to give her my number.
As soon as I get ready to pull away I see blue lights. Blue lights and that woman I gave a ride to is gone. The officer gets out and looks like he's trying to decided who to go after me or her, he yells at me to stop walks up the car, looks in the window at me and says go home. Fine. No need to be told twice. I have no clue if they caught that woman, I don't know if the kid was stolen, I don't know if that drug dealer followed me home that night. I do know that I will never pick up anybody else, ever again, child or no child.
Dominic49: No rape or murder. Sounds like a good 'I picked up a hitchhiker' experience to me!
Shirk08: Was it wrong of me to expect a car jacking? Crossed my mind during the 'stroller in the trunk' part.
Spaceman006: You are better then me. I expected them to kill him and dump the body in the trunk
| 4 | 11 | |
1355087510 | 1355336264 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | [deleted]: TIFU and outed the guy I've been hooking up with to his big brother (I am also a guy).
Back Story: Spring Semester of Freshman Year of College, I met a guy. We'll call him John. So I meet John via internet and he kinda hints that he wants to mess around with guys. And I'm like "Hell yeah!" because I find him pretty cute. So when we finally meet up at school, we start fooling around.
Fast Forward to the present: My very good friend (and John's brother) is graduating in December. So last night, he kinda threw this crazy party. The theme was Classy, so all we drank was wine and got very much so not classy at all.
So after about 2 Liters of box wine to myself, I'm praying to the porcelain God pretty heavily. My buddies "Frank" (John's brother) and "Max" are there essentially holding my White Girl Wasted hand and giving me water, and the topic of John comes up and I spill the beans that he and I have been hooking up for the past almost two years.
John doesn't identify as gay and we had agreed to keep our interactions secret and I totally blew it.
TL;DR Today I fucked up and told my best friend I've been fucking his "non-gay" little brother
**Update**: Frank and I are good friends, and he seems chill about it. John told me to fuck off and that he's not speaking to me again.
**Edit**: Since this sparked a lovely debate on sexuality, here's a popularly accepted theory on the subject. It's called the [Kinsey Scale](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale).
Mnawab: how can someone not be gay if they have been fucking dudes for 2 years.
Grimgnight: I messed around for a little bit with guys in hs. It was fun, had some interesting times, and more often than not enjoyed it, but it's definitely not my lifestyle. I'm definitely not gay, as i have a girlfriend whom i've been going strong with for a year and a half now, and don't have thoughts like that often. I'm comfortable enough with it to agree with my gf on some guys hot or not, just as she is with some girls. It's not as weird or uncommon as you'd think.
explainittomeplease: Does she know about the hookups in hs? My friend is dating a guy that recently came out as be. She's cool with it but all I can think is if you're monogamous and aren't planning on cheating, why bother coming out? I'm sure you have no answer to that, I just didn't want to sound like an ass asking if she knew about the past and how she felt about it.
Grimgnight: she knew, and she was totally fine with it. And i told her cus she asked if i'd ever done anything with a guy before, and i was straight up with her. This was at like, our 6 month point. haha
but she's done things with girls, so she understood and it all turned out ok. It actually brought us closer together, having something like that in common. lol so that was a plus.
i agree, if there's no benefits to it or unless they ask, in a monogamous relationship, there's no point in bringing it up other than personal closure.
explainittomeplease: Thanks for the reply!
Grimgnight: no problem! As my old man liked to say "curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back."
dinosaurdroop: I say that but got it from the book The Shining.
Grimgnight: Father? :O
| 9 | 22.666667 | |
1355090942 | 1355115243 | null | t5_2to41 | 189 | diy_tripper: TIFU by sneezing while brushing my teeth
My normal morning routine involves me brushing my teeth while checking Reddit for a couple minutes. Today however, a sneeze came up on me very quickly, and I didn't even have time to turn my head. As a result, I spewed a huge mouthful of frothy, minty, saliva-y shit all over my relatively new laptop. I also got some on my clothes and had to change.
Maybe not a huge fuck-up, but I'm probably going to have to take the keys off the keyboard to clean it properly.
adberq: I was expecting your tooth brush to have gone down your throat, thus causing you to choke and then puke, all while shitting yourself.
I'm a little disappointed.
ImJacksWastedLife: Yeah I was definitely expecting something better than this. I pictured him Redditting on his phone while in the bathroom and then the sneeze caused him to drop the phone in the toilet. All while he does the list you made.
| 3 | 63 | |
1355099576 | 1355332696 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | [deleted]: TIFU by trying to introduce this girl to Reddit. I forgot to log out of my account and she saw everything
So every post I liked, favorited, all of my subscribed subreddits out in the open. *Facepalm*
bored2242: What.. kind of stuff do you like and subscribe to on reddit. o.o
TreeLove520: r/ilovebiggaymen
bored2242: Is this a real subreddit o.o? I cannot look it up in school >.>
TreeLove520: I couldn't tell you. I just typed it as a joke. I'm far too terrified to check though...
| 5 | 2.6 | |
1355110693 | 1355116361 | null | t5_2to41 | 69 | pineapple09: TIFU by getting habanero oils in my privates.
I decided to be a domestic goddess earlier and whip up some salsa and some chili, so I was cutting up little habanero peppers to add flavor. After I finished I washed my hand, cut up other veggies, ate dinner, did dishes, and got ready for bed. I decided to watch some porn before going to sleep. Nothing out of the ordinary. Things were going smoothly but soon after I finished I noticed that the outside AND the inside of my vagina were burning like the fire of a million suns. The fucking peppers. Despite my best efforts to wash the oils off they lingered, and now my genitals are all spicy in the worst way :(
catcradle5: This and pants-shitting seem to be the two most common fuckups on this board. Maybe we should put up a PSA or something.
Mech1: I kind of sorta did one a few weeks ago, let me go back through my comment and find it. I'll post it as a PSA if I can.
| 3 | 23 | |
1355109769 | 1355186429 | null | t5_2to41 | 226 | [deleted]: TIFU by disrespecting a lesbian couple I am very fond of.
The office Christmas party was last Thursday. It basically consisted of a nice supper and a couple hours of open bar and dance floor. For most of the party, I hung out with an attractive female coworker whom I had a very friendly relationship with [I'm a male].
This lady, whom we'll call Alice, is only a little bit younger than me and I know (from other sources) that she is, at least, bisexual but probably a lesbian. I also knew that she is currently living with her long-term girlfriend whom I had also previously met and liked. However, this is all kind of secret as we live in a third world country where homosexuality is frowned upon. The girlfriend is, "officially," her roommate.
As the hours pass, I start to get a little bit drunk; Alice and the other coworkers are, as well. We're all having a great time but it's clear that I cannot drive home. Alice lives a couple of blocks away from the office so she offers me to stay on her couch and I agree. So far so good.
Fast forward to Alice and her gf's apartment. We keep drinking and having fun. Alice and her gf are nothing but absolutely delightful, they even offer me pajamas and make my stay better than any hotel I've ever been in. The problem is that, after a couple of shots, I'm totally blasted. After this, I can't remember anything at all. What I'm about to recount is only what I heard from Alice the day after the party.
Apparently, we started talking about my recent breakup with a long term girlfriend and how it has affected me and how I was on a dry spell. They offered to go out with me on Saturday and be my wing-girls and help me pick up chicks on a nearby bar. So far, awesome. But then, fucking dumbass-me dropped the stupid bomb. I said "hey, even if I can't pick up any chicks, we can still come back here and have... *fun*..."
Alice's gf went ballistic and started asking me "what exactly do you mean?" and, well, obviously, I meant a threesome with them.
Next morning, I wake up in their couch in a huge puddle of my own puke.
So the tally is: a ruined couch (~$300), ruined pj's (~$100), and ruined friendship (priceless).
I've already dry-cleaned the pj's, paid for a new, better, couch and apologized in person. They accepted my apology but, understandably, don't want to do anything with me anymore. I'm pretty sure it's impossible to repair the damage.
I feel like shit. I'm a staunch feminist and not only did I betray my beliefs and disappointed myself, I disrespected and insulted two women who had been nothing but absolutely nice to me. I ruined a potential great relationship. I made the nicest couple I know feel threatened because of my stupid comment.
I don't know if it's possible to ask for advice or absolution in this subreddit but either would be great.
**TL;DR: I ruined a friendship with a lesbian couple I am very fond of by suggesting a threesome and puking on their couch.**
EDIT: typo.
KinkedGiraffe: I'm sorry but this seriously sounds like all three of you are blowing this out of proportion.
First, if they are friends, how does one comment while wasted completely change that? Obviously you aren't that close to them, otherwise they would forgive you and get over it.
Second, how lame of them to get so offended by that. So you asked about having a threesome. BFD. You were wasted and obviously being retarded.
Third, what does being a "staunch feminist" have to do with any of this?
MissRepresentation: If I was a lesbian, *in a relationship,* and my *male friend* tried to hook up with me, I'd be pretty damn pissed.
First of all, if you are sober/not too drunk, and a guy who is blacked out and completely plastered tries to hook up with you, *it's not pretty.* Really, it's not. It's just gross.
Compounded by the fact that this is someone you consider your *friend,* who you have been very hospitable to, whom *you* are doing a favor for, that makes it even worse.
Compounded by the fact that you are a *lesbian,* which is a group of people who are already oversexualized by the media and seen as a straight man's sex fantasy rather than a legitimate sexuality, that makes it even worse.
Compounded by the fact that you are *in a relationship...*
Compounded by the fact that he *throws up all over your clothes and couch...*
Dude, if you don't see a problem with this, there is something wrong with you.
funkymunniez: >If I was a lesbian, in a relationship, and my male friend tried to hook up with me, I'd be pretty damn pissed
Not to take away from any of your points, but he didn't *try* to hook up with them. He made a comment. Having been in that situation and seen many people in that situation before it has never once been considered an attempt at hooking up...just at best a stupid joke and at worst a tasteless comment.
MissRepresentation: What? How is "I want to have a threesome with you" not trying to hooking up? No, seriously, if asking for sexual favors is not considered trying to hook up, then *what is?* This is just absurd, how far you guys are going to try to make it look like these women are overreacting, to the point where you are denying that blatantly asking someone to hook up with you is trying to hook up with someone.
funkymunniez: I'll be honest, it sounds like you don't get out much.
they have every right to feel how they feel but in many circumstances to many, many people, this isn't a big deal and is just a stupid comment.
MissRepresentation: I don't get out much because I think if someone asks to have sex, that means they're trying to hook up with someone? That makes sense...
funkymunniez: No, you don't seem to get out much because you seem unfamiliar with a really, really common social situation and appropriate responses.
MissRepresentation: Coming from the person who claims that asking to have sex with someone isn't trying to hook up with them.
funkymunniez: You sound like you assume that every word everyone has ever said is a literal manifestation of their desires.
You must be a real thrill to be around. But hey, downvote if it makes you feel better.
MissRepresentation: Tell me, please.
What other interpretation does "Let's have a threesome" have, other than having a threesome?
No, seriously, tell me. How can that statement be interpreted in any other way?
funkymunniez: You're seriously going to take the position that people don't often make comments that aren't literal?
Well shit, every time someone is mad and claims they're going to kill someone out of hyperbole better charge them with murder because they just attempted it. Or god damn every time someone has said they want to fuck the shit out of someone they must be literally trying to fuck someone until fecal matter falls out of their body.
Seriously?
MissRepresentation: Yeah, and when you go call a black person a nigger, you can just say, "Oh, don't worry, I was just kidding! LOL!"
funkymunniez: So nigger is never used as a term of endearment? Well shit, better tell large portions of the black community that it only has one interpretation
MissRepresentation: Right, and when you call a black person a nigger in a derogatory way, be sure to attach a "Hey guys! I'm just trying to be friendly!" onto the end. Tell me how it goes down and get back to me.
| 15 | 15.066667 | |
1355122444 | 1355171334 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | wingman16: TIFU and might never see my friends or the girl of my dreams again
Ok, so this didn't just happen today, it's been a long process of fuck-ups that finally hit me like a brick wall today.
I'm a college student, who didn't make friends in high school. I got really close to a lot of people in college. But, I got really lazy in college. I stopped paying attention in class, I stopped doing the optional homework assigned to make us better at the topics we're taught, and then I stopped going to classes. I went to classes to turn in homework and take tests, but that has been it for a while.
My last two terms have been kinda shitty grade-wise, maintaining about a 2.5, but this one that's about to end in a devastating barrage of finals, I am going to get less than a 2.0, at best. This will put me on academic probation, and the hot seat with my parents. (They basically told me that I would probably not return to school here if I fucked up again.)
Anyway, now that I may not be coming back, I've been thinking about all the things I'll leave behind. My friends have been great and have tried to help me when I'm struggling, but only a few actually know that I may not return next semester, so that should be fun telling the rest of my friends.
To top things off, I just started a relationship with this amazing girl here. She wanted to take things really slow because she's been really busy this semester, but we had been seriously talking about (and actually committing to) a serious relationship next semester. That's all I think about, it's what has kept me going. I feel really strongly about this girl, and she feels really strongly about me. We both make each other really happy when we're together. But I haven't had the heart to tell her about my situation yet; I know I will have to soon. Long distance relationships have not worked for me in the past, and the whole reason we're not already dating is that she doesn't feel like she sees me enough to be a 'good' girlfriend. She's already planned on re-prioritizing for next semester, putting me higher on her list, but if I'm not here to spend time with her, that won't mean a damn thing. So, this relationship is probably not going to work out at all. And all I do is think about her. She's the biggest reason I want to come back. I have to convince my parents to give me one last chance, but I don't see that as likely.
All of these thought have been racing through my head today, as I try frantically to study for finals, which doesn't help.
TL;DR I'm about to basically fail out of college, meaning I won't ever see my friends again, and I'll never see where the relationship with the girl of my dreams could have gone.
[deleted]: This is going to end one of two ways.
1: You are going to realize that you need to start doing good in school and you are going to change your habits for the better and you will be happy
or
2: You are going to be forced out of school because you havent changed your habits and you might fall into some type of depression because of it.
Choose wisely op
C_HiLIfe: So if op decides school isn't for him then he's going to fall into a depression? I wasted 5 semesters in college, and I say wasted because I didn't want to be in school but I felt obligated because that's what everyone was telling em to do. I eventually dropped out and kind of let life go where it went and I've never been happier. I have a good paying job, a nice car, a nice apartment and no college degree. You get one chance to do things on this planet, make sure you live how you want op
[deleted]: Nah, but with the way he seem to like his friends and girlfriend it sounds pretty likely.
C_HiLIfe: could always move out to wherever the school is and get a job instead of going back for school. Could still see his friends and girlfriend. it personally worked for me dropped out of school and decided to just permanently live in the state i went to school in instead of moving back home.
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1355102519 | 1355389859 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | imme10036: TIFU by blacking out at the holiday party of my new job, and breaking my front door.
TIFU pretty bad. I had just started my job at a very conservative accounting job earlier in the week and was immediately invited to the holiday party later that week. I figured this would be a great time to meet all my new co-workers and get loose. However, whenever I am meeting a lot of people in a new setting, I get anxious and resort to heavy drinking. Considering it was an open bar, the drinks were flowing freely.
My new Co-workers were getting shots and inviting me in on the rounds, which I whole-heartedly accepted. After a few too many, I figured I should leave while I maintained some dignity, and rushed to get my jacket. Thats the last thing I remember at that party.
I remember waking up in a taxi cab in front of my house, the driver kicking me out of the car. Its 30 degrees out and I am freezing my butt off. I walk to the front of my house and quickly realize I have lost my keys. Because nobody was home, I kicked in the front door which had a piece of glass in the middle of it. Glass was everywhere, but I saved myself before freezing to death.
Now I have to return to work tomorrow, I dont know how I am going to look anyone in the face. TIFU, people.
**tl;dr** Finished off my first week at my new job by getting shitfaced and blacking out at holiday party.
Wolf2121: I learned many Blackouts ago to just walk in like its all cool..
ngcazz: You, I like you.
Wolf2121: Bro I'm just saying alot of people are scared to let loose at these things and even if you are the crazy guy there its ok. Alot of them wish they could do that and not care.
ngcazz: I wasn't being sarcastic!
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1355112030 | 1355157444 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | [deleted]: TIFU by spilling hot tea on my lap.
It was a bad moment to remember I wasn't wearing underwear.
HaroldSax: Can I ask why you were drinking hot tea in the nude? That just seems irresponsible to me.
twiztedxtreme: Post-fap nourishment.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1355126800 | 1355170221 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | [deleted]: TIFU and almost got raped. ( Im a guy )
Release_the_KRAKEN: So...basically your friend's brother...sexually assaulted you?
kyperion: Yup
Release_the_KRAKEN: So get that motherfucker arrested?
kyperion: Dude no I really don't care if I get ejaculated on. It doesn't mean my life is over. And no need to get my friend and his brother to hate me. It was a simple... Yet retarded mistake.
Butthole_Pubes: You realize that since you're doing nothing about it and not reporting it, when the brother actually rapes a girl, it's gonna be on you, right?
speeddance: Actually no, it won't be on him as he won't be raping the girl. It will be on the rapist as he will be the one raping.
Butthole_Pubes: No, he has some blame as he laughed it off and let the brother get away when he had the opportunity to stop him.
speeddance: No, he does not. The rape is ONLY on the rapist. No one else. Not his parents or teachers or anyone. Not even if the rapist was abused himself. The rape is ONLY on the rapist. Only way someone else is to blame is if someone else is watching/sees it and does nothing to help (whether it be stopping it or calling the police)
Butthole_Pubes: He saw that the brother sexually assaults sleeping girls and did nothing about it. That's just as bad as not stopping a rape.
speeddance: I disagree with you. He was assaulted. He does not have any obligation to press charges or deal with this in any way other than he feels comfortable to do and it certainly does not make him responsible for the actions of the rapist.
Edit: counting out the fact that this was a troll thread my opinion still holds.
| 11 | 3.181818 | |
1355132304 | 1355303455 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | aBigPanda: TIFU Punching kids in the face
So today I went to the park with my sister. We were spinning in circles to see who would be the dizziest. I not only hit one but two children in the face. They were twins and their mom was not pleased.
leparkr: O my goodness...The image of that scenario in my head is comical but sad. Hope this taught some of us to try to be more aware of our surroundings.
CasioKnight: It's even funnier if you picture the OP as an 80 year-old man.
| 3 | 8.333333 | |
1355139783 | 1355156827 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | fish_kicker: TIFU by letting my husband have sex with me
Sounds like a no brainer but let me give you the story. My hubs and I are not on the best terms and have not had sex in over 6 months. I got off work this morning, got home, and took my night time meds. These meds tend to make me incoherent so i can sleep with the sun shining in my face and he is aware of this. I don't sleep with clothes on either. At some point during the afternoon, I wake up with him kissing and trying to fool around. Given the state of consciousness i was in, I thought i was having a really great dream. Low and behold, I wake up and realize what's going on just in time to be done. Still not completely with-it, I told him to give me a towel and let me go back to sleep. When it was time to get up for work tonight, it hit me. The Mother Fucker practically raped me and I'm so damn mad about it! I can honestly see why people off themselves after being raped. Just needed to rant. Thanks.
Edit: Added content
Magicmole: Get Divorced, report his ass, don't worry too much about it, it's not like his dick hasn't been in you before... I know that's wierd, but just my opinion, I reckon most people freak out after being raped because some random dick has been in them... Anyhow, don't kill yourself please.
fish_kicker: Oh geez really? So wouldn't kill myself. I'm just pissed that he took advantage of my meds. Fucking pissed. That's all.
imnotcooldude: 6 months is a fucking looong ass time, you ever thought that it might've been one of the factors of being on bad terms?
sexual frustration aint no joke gurl
fish_kicker: Of course I have. But I'm 98% sure he's got a girlfriend that's handling that for him. Which pisses me off even more bc she's a ho-biscuit. I should go get tested. Fuck.
imnotcooldude: 1001001110101010110010
that means divorce in binary but your husband is a shitfuck, I take back what I said earlier, I thought you were just being a cunt for 6 months.
fish_kicker: I mean, it's not like I've not been hard up too! Geeze. Chicks need it too!!
| 7 | 0.142857 | |
1355157165 | 1355159785 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | [deleted]: TIFU by reading my dad's Whatsapp messages.
This isn't one of the I shit accidentally or i stuffed my cat up my anus tifus.
This happened just last night and I am still a bit of shock. So I came to visit my 54 year old dad and 49 year old mom after about 7 months of not seeing them. They set up a feast and seemed fine which is great. My dad gave me his old iPhone 4s because I had a pretty crappy phone, I thanked him and restored it. Fast forward after setting it up and such, the first thing I downloaded was Whatsapp, I use it for messaging for everybody so it was an instadownload to me.
I put my Phone number for the verification and messaging, and this is where it begins. For some reason it had put my dad's Whatsapp other than mine probably because the iPhone kept the cache.
Me and my dad list my mom as the same thing, as her first name. At the time I didn't know that i was actually on my dad's Whatsapp at the time, plus their were random phone numbers on chat and I didn't know what was going on.
So I went on my mom's chat, oh boy, oh boy. I'll just be straight with you nearly 500 sexts in 2 weeks
And what annoyed me the most is how my mom treated my dad, I remember every single word in just one of the hundred sexlogs.
Dad: "I need a BJ now" (he said this yesterday where currently i was in the house)
Mom: "Ok"
Dad "A professional one, I will pay you"
Mom: "But you know you have to reciprocate"
Dad: "No, I will pay you"
He treats my mom like a fucking prostitute, I don't know if this is some type foreplay, but I certainly wouldn't treat my girlfriend like this at all.
I was up the whole night thinking they have the "professional" BJ now, and my mind for some reason forced an image of my mom deep throating my dad's cock :/
Yes, I saw images, of my mom's ass but i tried to squirm through anything that looked like cock the whole time i was in absolute shock, too much curiosity went over me.
I ran to my bathroom and gagged for a few minutes. stared my self at the mirror for a few minutes and gagged a bit more.
I can't look at them (especially my dad) anymore (they don't know that I looked at his messages), it disgusted me because my girlfriend or me never sexts. We prefer eye to eye contact ;)
I immediately deleted Whatsapp and reinstalled it and I still feel a bit sick.
TL;DR: Accidentally accessed my dad's Whatsapp, saw hundreds of sexts between 2 weeks. Saw images, horrible chat log, and scarred for life.
And apparently my dad's favorite porn site is xvideos.
mohit88: Post pics pls.
PALIN_4_PREZ_2012: AHAHAHAHA
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1355157880 | 1355314786 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,685 | Balmarog: TIFU by teaching my kitten to attack things under the covers
So I recently got a new kitten, she is absolutely adorable, fuzzy, cuddly, likes to lick my nose, she's a fantastic cat. I love her to death already.
Well, our nightly ritual before going to sleep typically consists of her attacking my hand as I move it around under the covers. In the rare event her tiny claws penetrate the thick comforter it really doesn't hurt my hand.
Last night happened to be a particularly warm night for the winter, so I only slept under a sheet as opposed to a comforter. Fast forward to this morning I'm awoken from my peaceful slumber to a sharp pain in my nether regions. I woke up to my kitten attacking my morning wood, and now have three small puncture wounds in my wing-wang.
Edit: wordsmithing
Edit 2: Here is the little shit. No regrets. http://i.imgur.com/oqRNk.jpg
rocknrollercoaster: I'd make a joke about your dick finally getting some pussy action but that would be in bad taste...
lokiikol: I'm sure a bad taste was involved...
Balmarog: My dick tastes of bacon and bbq sauce.
Nick__Lawrence: I don't even want to know.
DaemonicVoid: You know you actually desire to have that knowledge.
[deleted]: I can feel another one coming on.. "TIFU By tasting my own spunk"
speaknott: Knew a guy who could. He said it wasn't that bad.
Krisodd: Knew a girl who would. She said it was that bad.
hogglethebear: Eat more pineapple.
| 10 | 168.5 | |
1355111134 | 1355185011 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | gman94: Tifu and sliced my finger open.
I was sharpening my mom's butcher knife for her when she tells me to use her new sharpener. So I start sharpening it. I did it wrong apparently because on my third swipe I cut the shit out of my hand. It bled like crazy and I had to first aid all over it. I have now cleaned it with alcohol and put anti-bacterial ointment on it. I got it splinted and butterflied but I think I might need real stitches. I am a fucking moron.
bored2242: Bitch, I first aid better than you first aid.
> and I had to first aid all over it.
gman94: Probably, I had trouble opening the gauze package with one hand.
bored2242: Hope your finger gets better, my friend has done that several times. Doesn't look fun, unless your in to masochism. o.o
gman94: Haha, thanks. It'll be fine. Or there will be an update involving infection.
WinterCharm: For the love of god, please don't let that happen.
gman94: I won't, I literally just got done re-wrapping and disinfecting it.
| 7 | 3.428571 | |
1355180825 | 1355210636 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | My_Cool_Name: TIFU, shit myself.
Yesterday, we had a party with a lot of beans and other proteins other than meat (the host was vegetarian). Me, thinking it was a good idea to go to work the next day, went to work the next day. About 2 hours into my shift at my cousin's and I's computer business, I decided, when the urge came to me, to fart. Unbeknownst to me, tere was seemingly a gallon of diarrhea waiting to come out, under the guise of a fart. I try to squeeze my fart out, and kablam! My shitty diarrhea shorts are now soaked, and I am waiting for a backup pair of shorts and underwear soon so I can go home and shower.
darthelmo: *Goddammit,* reset that fucking counter.
Then_Reality_Bites: Has the counter ever gone past 1 or 2?
Actually, I'm thinking it should be negative numbers.
darthelmo: You mean, it runs in reverse? You might be onto something there!
highlife55: /r/tifu has shit its self daily for 5 days
darthelmo: Are you counting multiples during the course of a single day?
highlife55: i currently dont know the shit statisticts for this sub reddit but if we shit ourselves enough we could encorporate it
| 7 | 13 | |
1355186813 | 1355432576 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | mikhail_harel: TIFU by accidentally friendzoning a disabled guy at my youth center
This is something that's been going on for a while, actually. There's a disabled guy at my LGBT youth center. He has pretty severe Asperger's and everyone makes fun of him for it. I know what it's like to be teased, and throughout my life some of my best friends (even my ex-fiancee) have been disabled. So I stuck up for him. And I guess he started seeing me as his hero or something. Anyway, he started flirting with me a lot, and that made me feel really good about myself. I have BIG self-esteem issues. Like seriously huge. So I didn't tell him to stop, I wasn't interested, etc. Part of it was "I don't to misunderstand what he's doing and sound conceited", but a lot of it was I didn't want him to stop complimenting me. It made me feel validated, like I'm worth something. So several months of us (what I thought was) harmlessly flirting back and forth go by and the other day he comes out and tells me he really likes me, he's really attracted to me, he wants to date me. Trying to be nice, I told him "Oh, sweetie, that's really sweet, but you know I just got out of a super bad breakup with [ex-fiancee]..." But he persisted. Eventually I just had to tell him "Look, I'm sorry, but I'm just not attracted to you at all. I think you're super sweet and nice, but you're just not my type."
He was crushed. I could see it on his face; he was devastated. He's really shy to begin with, I know it must have taken him so much courage to even ask me out.
He left early that day, and I still feel terrible. I haven't had a chance to go back to the center since. I hope he's okay.
imsurroundedby: fuck.. this isn't really a TODAY i fucked up, it's more of, "this past few months I fucked up."
I can understand it from your situation and receiving that validation, and not expecting it to go too far. but damn, I feel really bad for the guy.. I don't want you to think I'm condemning you for wanting approval, albeit from someone you didn't particularly want. We're all at fault of that. I just cant help but feel for him. I'm sorry about your situation, but the fact that you're remorseful says a lot about your character.
but fuck if this didn't make me sad..
mikhail_harel: Oh I don't blame you. I wanna make it up to him. Any ideas?
imsurroundedby: I don't know much about the situation other than what you've posted, but my advice is to stay away from this guy. As it seems you're frequently at this place that seems impossible. But seeing you will only break his heart more. I feel like anything you do to "win" his favor over. Something you may seem to make him more happy, will only confuse him into thinking there's a chance you are interested.
But don't take my advice verbatim, I'm just a stranger on the internet who will never completely understand your situation and the people involved.
But in my personal experience distance and time are the only cure to true devastation(as you'd seen on his face) and heartbreak.
Like I said I don't know him nor you, but distance is the only thing that has ever really worked for me.
mikhail_harel: > something you may seem to make him more happy, will only confuse him into thinking there's a chance you are interested
That's what I was worried about. However, this is the only LGBT youth center in my area and it's a valuable resource. I'm not going to give it up. I'll just try to avoid him.
riotousdefect: >I'll just try to avoid him.
Don't even do that. Just be nice, be cordial, and tell him that you're sorry for leading him on. He should understand that. I had the same kind of thing happen at my LGBT youth center with a guy that has cerebral palsy, although I didn't lead him on for a few months and when he said he had a thing for me I let him down nice and easy.
mikhail_harel: Hm. I'm getting mixed answers from people. Some say I should not talk to him so he doesn't get the wrong idea, some say I should at least be friendly.
riotousdefect: From somebody that has been in a similar situation who has a fantastic understanding of the person at hand and his symptoms, I'd tell you to be friendly and talk to him, but make sure there is a fine line between "friendly" and "flirtatious".
mikhail_harel: Yeah. I guess if I want to flirt with guys to validate myself the least I could do is stay away from the disabled ones. :/
riotousdefect: I laughed. Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Why don't you PM me? I've got a few things I'd like to ask you.
| 10 | 4.1 | |
1355183257 | 1355204405 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | josstheboss24: TIFU by accidentally using Vanilla Soy Milk to make Hamburger Helper
It was gross. I still ate it.
darthelmo: Four hours from now: "TIFU by making dinner with soy milk; now I can't stop shitting myself."
pezz29: The counter really doesn't need resetting.
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1355189718 | 1355261679 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | TreeLove520: TIFU by farting on my girlfriend.
Last night (sorry, not today) Nicole (my girlfriend) and I were laying on my living room floor watching a movie on my laptop.
We were screwing around, being dorks and shit, wrestling and just having fun.
I was laying on my stomach, and she rolled over and laid on top of me. Now, I had eaten Taco Bell earlier that day, and as a man, am known for being particularly gassy. Never in the company of the lady folk, however. Well, she laid on top of me, chest to back, and the pressure was just too much.
I farted.
Loud.
She ignored it, but she knew...
She knew...
Munchkin_Masher: They always know...
TreeLove520: The worst part is, we haven't been dating very long, so we're not to that super comfortable stage where that's not a big deal...
mangoon: Assuming she likes you and is a decent human, a fart shouldn't put a dent in her overall image of you.
A shart though? That'd be a different story. You're safe, I think everyone knows Taco Bell can be worse than a fart.
TreeLove520: Luckily, she's amazing and it didn't change anything. God was I worried though...
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1355177914 | 1355195354 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | MagelansTrousrs: TIFU by spilling seltzer on my laptop the week before finals.
Have it sitting in rice now praying it'll turn on.
catcradle5: Let it sit for a few days before turning it on. In the mean time try to borrow a friend/family member's computer/laptop, or try the library.
If there is some vital data on the laptop's hard drive that you need, you could try pulling out the hard drive. Ensure it's dry and connect it to another computer or laptop.
MagelansTrousrs: Yeah. I'm definitely waiting to turn it on. Have it encapsulated with rice currently
| 3 | 4 | |
1355176944 | 1355430798 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | Tronberr: TIFU by kicking a kid in the face...
It was just an average weekday, getting up for college and walking to my bus stop as usual...
After about 5-10 minutes waiting I hop on the bus and notice it's a little full, so I decide to stand at the front, big mistake.
It was halfway through my journey and the bus was coming to a stop, I then notice a woman with a child in a push chair getting off, but because the bus was too full at this point I couldn't move anywhere. I decided to try and jump on to the small luggage box to let her through, I made it up but I was in a position where I felt my whole body begin to collapse to the floor. I tried and tried to keep my legs up there but I simply had to let go otherwise the top half of my body would have landed head first.
And of course the inevitable happened, my leg swung down and bashed the kid in the head, luckily it was only his head and nothing more like his mouth or nose and by God did the whole bus hate me at that moment...
TL;DR I got on a bus which was full, tried to move out of the way for a push chair and kicked the kid in the head.
genki-sama: Am I evil for laughing at this?
HaroldSax: I think I'm evil for wondering if he bounced.
riotousdefect: If you two are evil, I'm the evilest.
| 4 | 13.25 | |
1355198458 | 1355262687 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Joaoaoao: TIFU by letting my little brother shit all over himself and his room.
I got home from school today at 2:15, and my mom needed me to stay with my 2 1/2 year old brother. Nothing out of the ordinary, as I have taken care of him since he was really young. She says she won't be long, and the whole thing will take 1 to 2 hours max. So she leaves and things are going pretty good actually. He isn't being as temperamental as usual, and is quietly watching tv and playing with his cars as I watch him. So 2 hours pass, and my mom hasn't come back. Then 4 hours, and I decide to call her. She says she won't take much longer. I start getting really bored, so I decide to head over to my room to play some halo. Now, my room is right next to mine, so if anything happened I would be right there. I made sure he was changed, gave him an apple, and went to my room. I had just gotten my specialization, so I was excited to play. So I play a couple of swat matches, and as the third one begins, I see from my peripheral my brother. He's just standing there. That's really unusual, as whenever he comes into my room, he starts jumping and goofing around. At a closer inspections, I realize his pants are off, and so is his diaper. I turn around to assess the damage.... and all my senses are attacked. I immediately see and smell shit. The smell is so strong I swear I can taste it. And hen I grabbed hi hand to turn him around, I grabbed a hand shit caked hand. I breathe in deeply, and try to think about what I should do. The first step is to clean him, so I give him a quick shower and new sets of clothes. I threw the shirt he had on away, as it smelled awful and had shit stains here and there. After puttin him in the living room, and turning on Dysney channel (I swear that stuff is like cocaine to him), I go to his room to see if there is any cleaning up to do. There is, a lot. There is shit everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. I can't emphasize that enough. It's on the rug, on his sheets, on the walls and some of it got on the tv. And in the corner of the room, as if he had tried to hide it, was his shitty diaper. It must've felt uncomfortable, so he probably took it off mid poop, and continued to play. I freaked the fuck out, and before I could even move a muscle, the front door opens. My mom instantly can tell that something is off, and when I meet her in the hallway, she immedialtly gets suspicious. My face must have given it away. And so she pushes me out of the way, and goes into his room. To make a long story short, I spent the next three hours moving a 200 lb. carpet outside to wash it by hand in 40 degree weather as she does simething ablut the walls and floor. After I finished, she gave me this long speech about being 16 and a piece of shit, who can't even take care of his brother. She continued on to say when she was 16, she worked two jobs, went to school and took care of her house. So yeah, I fucked up.
TL;DR: Took attention off of brother or five minutes, he decided it would be a great time to have diarrhea.
bippyz: This happens to every single parent. In fact, make a note of this. And when your brother does it again, when your mom is in charge, just smile at her. She'll know.
I cannot begin to tell you how many times this has happened with kids. As soon as they sort out how to get that diaper off, it's shit on the walls and time to burn the house down, cause you will always know that is where little Johnny shat on the ceiling. The mother fucking ceiling. I still don't know how the fuck it got there. ಠ_ಠ
Joaoaoao: Yeah, I know exactly how you feel.
Chainmail_Danno: http://i.imgur.com/K5JGj.gif
Joaoaoao: This fits what I saw and how I felt in a way words can't describe.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1355182269 | 1355289475 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | nicko68: TIFU by accidentally leaving lamb out of the freezer too long
Well yesterday anyway... :-)
2 days ago I needed to get something out of the chest freezer. I tool out a box containing a preseasoned easy carve leg of lamb roast and placed it on a nearby table, temporarily. I'm out of work but bought it a few weeks ago to treat myself. It was $30 and I had been planning to use it in the next couple weeks. Unfortunately I didn't discover until yesterday, a full day later, that I forgot to put it back in.
Now I have to throw it out. Garbage man doesn't come for another almost 2 weeks so it's in the freezer so it doesn't rot. I'm so bummed.
rainbowzzz: duuude. i, too, hate to see food being wasted.
Wiggleman: reminds me of the time that I had to throw away 24 moldy lamb shanks at a restaurant I used to work at. The things were hairier than a 14 year olds ass. I know that feels bro.
Totalityclause: So, anything >0?
Wiggleman: well I had hair on my ass as I was brought into this world, so no, not >0 im afraid.
| 5 | 2 | |
1355236759 | 1355288110 | null | t5_2to41 | 70 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling my girlfriend that I masturbate and think about her
We have been together for nearly 10 months, in the previous month, our relationship has gone up to the next level. I managed to convince this sweet, innocent and beautiful girl to touch my schlong :) super happy about that by the way. Anyway, she has eventually become use to this fact, and is no longer scared and finally as she began to feel comfortable she asked me a question. "Do you watch porn?"
Now, I am a person of principles, trust and honesty is very important to me and to her. It is the foundation of any relationship. But why did no one tell me that the answer to this question is always NO! Why?
So as you have guessed by now, I reluctantly said that I do. She flipped the fuck out. I panicked. She started crying. In an effort to fix things I shouted "BUT BABY, I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT YOU WHEN WATCHING"
She didn't understand. She assumed that I think the whore in the video is her. That made things worse. She left the car. Crying. And I sat in the car wanting to cry. Argh. Cringe.
TL;DR told my girl I jerk it off to porn while thinking about her. Tears were split. Tear drops used as lubricant to jerk off.
Edit: Everything is fine now :) Sorted everything out, she will continue to touch my schlong :)
[deleted]: Seriously, this is some of the best vigin shaming I've ever read. TIL women can't fucking win with reddit whether they put out not enough or too much. If this story was about her wanting it shed be such a slut. These two are not sexually compatible and that's all there is to it! It isn't her fault or his.
[deleted]: This "woman", needs to grow up. She doesn't have to accept his masturbation right away, if at all, but she needs to learn how to control her outbursts like an adult. They both sound like children.
In short, Reddit isn't picking on her because of her lack of knowledge about sex, but rather her lack of maturity.
[deleted]: oh you're right. that *totally* makes it valid. And you're right, until she takes it in the ass and likes it, she only qualifies as a technical "woman," amirite?
[deleted]: If you've actually read the comments ITT, then you'll notice the majority are leaning towards calling both members of the relationship immature. The other comments are, for the most part, addressing her immaturity towards the whole situation.
A very few are insulting her directly and stating that she needs to accept his behavior immediately.
I called her a "woman", because she still seems like a child with her outburst. It's okay to be sensitive, but to freak out over something and not discuss it like an adult is immature.
Stop being so hostile when someone attempts to convey a valid and mature opinion that is different than your own.
EDIT: I also feel that OP has some growing up to do if he can't figure out they're not sexually compatible within 10 months.
[deleted]: I read them. I didn't say majority, but that's not the point. Obviously I'm not addressing the reasonable replies.
You called her "woman" because you think that's your call to make, the reason doesn't matter.
Irony. Awesome.
[deleted]: She was still being very childish.
Also, that's not irony.
[deleted]: I disagree. You don't know her well enough to assign her that label. Perhaps she's sexually abused? Mislead by a religious cult? We don't know. You don't know.
Also I disagree.
[deleted]: I wasn't trying to convey something opposite of what I meant. It's not dramatic because of obvious reasons. It's also not situational because the outcome was not different than expected as there was no expected outcome.
I'd like you to explain why you think it's ironic.
[deleted]: It's ~~not~~ dramatic because of obvious reasons.
[deleted]: Dramatic irony is only in fiction.
[deleted]: I disagree.
[deleted]: I'm done holding a conversation with someone who won't even try and keep it going intelligently.
[deleted]: Sorry you have to go, have a great evening!
| 14 | 5 | |
1355232324 | 1355272876 | null | t5_2to41 | 346 | guitarded_joe: TIFU I had a dream I was having a piss, I was.
Title says it all.
darkrock: if you're 7 or 70 years old, who cares?
Abezilla116: I like how you didn't say 7 through 70.
DoctorBaconite: After i turned about 21 i totally stopped caring because i think its hilarious. I've gotten drunk and pissed my girlfriends bed probably 4 times.
damnimnotirish: Oh jeez, same here. I think I've lost count how many times I've peed the bed from getting smashed. Brings a whole new meaning to "piss drunk"! It's funny when it's your own bed, but I've peed 3 of my guy friend's beds (I'm a girl) and that shit is mortifying.
MSkog: /r/cripplingalcoholism
damnimnotirish: alcoholic/college student... same thing...
| 7 | 49.428571 | |
1355272614 | 1355324591 | null | t5_2to41 | 187 | isitany_wonder: TIFU by reaching into a poopy toilet.
This morning when I got to work, 7:30am, quickly realized I had to poop. All went well (for a workplace poo, that is, no home toilet advantage) until I got up quickly and swung around to flush the toilet.
I have to wear a security type badge at work that clips to my belt/pants. The badge somehow came un-clipped, and flew straight into the toilet. Now, it was just small enough to get flushed, and I would never have lived that down, so fight-or-flight (reach-or-cry?) kicked in and I instinctively reached into the poopy toilet water to grab my badge. Thankfully, it wasn't further into the abyss. And thank goodness I was alone in the bathroom. There was no one around to witness this kerfuffle, and the ironic exclamation of "*shit!*"
But I disinfected that badge like 3 times before someone walked in. And imagine to act cool walking out of the bathroom after that. I have to say, the adrenaline worked better than coffee!
GeorgeOlduvai: Please tell me we didn't re-set the counter for this.
As a side note: Can someone/should we create a TISM (Today I Shit Myself) sub-reddit? The fact that we have a counter for this argues (IMHO) that the particular instance requires it's own space. As entertaining as the circle-jerk about the counter is...I feel that the "I shit myself" posts are diluting (pardon the reverse-ish pun) this sub. Just my two cents.
[deleted]: [Done](http://www.reddit.com/r/TDSMyself/)
A_plural_singularity: Submitted to [r/newreddits]( http://www.reddit.com/r/newreddits/)
[deleted]: Thanks, didn't even know that existed.
| 5 | 37.4 | |
1355266735 | 1355339527 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | bnielsen96: TIFU by neglecting to aim properly in the bathroom.
Well, today at school, I sat down to take a dump. Nothing unusual. It was during first period, so I wasn't really awake at that point. As a result, It took me a minute to realize that as I was peeing, it was hitting the rim of the toilet seat and splashing all over everything. There was piss everywhere. After I was done, I surveyed the damage and concluded that it looked like I had taken a huge wet shit in my pants. And, I had to walk around like that until about lunch when it had finally dried. Embarrassing. Also, any seat I sat in had my ass print on it. Good times.
[deleted]: Honestly dude, just skip class.
If you go to high school, and they call your mom about it, tell her you pissed on your pants and didn't want to go to class.
bnielsen96: I wore my backpack extremely low and hoped nobody payed attention... I didn't really wanna skip for that.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1355282114 | 1355287243 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU Throwing up all over a table in McDonalds
Drunk in the city with mates and wasn't feeling good so we went into McDonalds to grab something greasy to eat to feel better. Feel like I'm gonna blow, get food anyways thinking it can only get better. Sit down with it, take one bite and puke all over the table. I try to clean it up but I was such a drunken piss ant I just smeared it every where. Place is packed, pretty obvious a guy has puked on the table. GTFO as soon as I could but still got into the casino with puke covered jeans where I kept dropping my wallet cause I wouldn't put it in my pocket for some reason. Friends have never spoken about it since, all round good night.
SuperDuperDuder: I guess you weren't lovin' it.
Paiste402: you made me spit coffee on my keyboard with that comment. Thank you.
SuperDuperDuder: Anytime
| 4 | 5 | |
1355287497 | 1355333073 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | [deleted]: TIFU by thinking it was a good idea to play Just Dance 4 in stiletto heels.
I had just gotten home from a wedding and didn't feel like getting undressed, so I thought "What the hell?" I fire up my Kinect and get the game going. Commence epic dancing, I'm doing pretty good. Almost to five stars on "So What", something I've been trying to achieve for a week now. My cat decided to fuck everything up and sits her fatass down in my dancing zone. Trying not to step on her, I move my foot, hop around a bit to the point I look like a brain-dead flamingo, try and finish the last move, set my foot down, roll ankle, hear a crack, and fall onto my tile floor. Result? Cracked ankle and sprained wrist. Now I sit in my room, foot fixed (sorta), a wrap on my hand and I'm loopy on painkillers.
TL;DR: My cat is a bitch, but I love her anyway.
mjfikes: I should share this with my wife, we have annoying cats and she regularly plays just dance in heels
KittenPurrs: Or don't share with her, and then next week you can post "TIFU by not showing my wife a really relevant TIFU post." Which do you value more, the title Fuck up of the Week or your wife's ability to navigate without crutches?
mjfikes: Well I do rather care about my wife's well-being, not to mention if that happened I'd have to do all sorts of stuff for her...
| 4 | 20.5 | |
1355292092 | 1355331169 | null | t5_2to41 | 345 | MyMegaGame: TIFU by beating up a special needs kid.
So I walking in the hallways to my locker, and on the way someone grabs my backpack. In panic I grabbed her arm, flipped her over, and punched her twice in the face. The teacher with her sent us to the office and explained that she was autistic. I ended up with 3 days suspension but I feel I deserve more. I fell like shit
TL;DR Girl grabs my backpack, I punch her twice, turns out she's autistic.
Robberoooo: I sorta visualize you as some twitchy PTSD war vet. Was the punching in the face a conscious decision, like a reaction to a thief/antagonist or was it more of a reflex?
MyMegaGame: It wasn't really either of those, because when she grabbed me she pulled me back and my reaction was "Oh god someone is trying to attack me".
TheDesktopNinja: Normal people would react with a question like "Hey, what the fuck?" or "What do you want?"
Or maybe **I'm** the crazy one.
In any case, you definitely done fucked up. :P
SeethingRage: People who make no effort at being able to defend themselves might react with a "wtf?" but I think if someone grabbed me from behind and pulled me toward them I would be swinging before I even saw who it was.
ya_tu_sabes: I WAS ONLY TRYING TO RETURN THE WALLET YOU DROPPED YOU ASSHOLE!
But seriously, how does a normal reaction automatically equate to "People who make no effort at being able to defend themselves" in your mind? Did you grow up in a war zone or something?
SeethingRage: If I saw someone drop their wallet I would not come up behind them, grab them, and pull them toward me...I'd say "hey, I think you dropped this".
ya_tu_sabes: It was a joke but I was also trying to convey the idea that the reason could be a number of things other than an attack.
As for the wallet thing, I somehow picture OP speedwalking away. Me, taking the wallet from the floor, losing OP in the hall a bit. Running up to him among the crowd of people but this is difficult given the amount of people in the hall. I try calling him but I don't know his name and he doesn't hear me. Finally almost catch up to him, fear I'm going to lose him so grab him so I won't lose him again or will have to keep running after him. Get punched in the face. Yay.
We didn't have a lot of detail to go by so I rolled with it. Carrying on...
| 8 | 43.125 | |
1355287501 | 1355336759 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | BumpyNella: TIFU by crushing my child's iPod Touch.
[This] (http://i.imgur.com/LJSc0.jpg) slippery little devil slid down beneath the recliner where my son likes to sit and game, chat, listen to music, etc.
I moved the chair to look for it, engaging the recline/swivel/tilt mechanism. *Crunch.*
bored2242: Well thats what you get for getting him Apple, but hell if he'd taken care of it that wouldn't of happened. His own damn fault.
iniightmareav: Idc if it's a Nokia he smashed it in the recliner lol it's gonna break
bored2242: Didn't say it broke because it's Apple, said the Apple product deserved it and so did the kid :p
nrfx: That isn't what you said at all. Not even close.
Re-roll your account and try again.
bored2242: You misunderstand my statement and I re-roll my account (whatever what means) No Thanks :D Instead, i'll just keep this comment here and not do anything with my account but continue to make comments on here on whatever I feel like because it's the damn internet :D (Gotta love the internet)
| 6 | 6.333333 | |
1355299708 | 1355339678 | null | t5_2to41 | 61 | PonderForce1: TIFU I let myself be scammed out of $500
I was on a pretty busy street waiting for a bus. A man came up to me claiming his car had been broken into and robbed. He wanted me to cash a check for him. I was skeptical, but after he showed me his car, it seemed to have checked out just like he said. I even attained his real phone number. Long story short...he scammed me out of $500 and there was nothing I could do about it.
I realize how stupid I was and I dont need a lecture about trusting strangers, but has anyone else out there been in a situation like this while just trying to help someone out?
mikel03: it'd be nice if you clarified how he actually scammed you
catcradle5: I'm guessing something like "here let me write you a check for $500, I need $500 in cash real quick". That's all I can imagine.
It would help if OP gave more details though.
PonderForce1: ya sorry I got bored of typing lol but ya thats what happened. This guy said he needed someone to cash a check for him so he could pay for the damages such as the windows that were bashed in. What made me believe him was the fact that I saw the windows had indeed been bashed in. I cashed a check he wrote to me and I gave him $500. His check was for like $800. My bank only let me have some of the money because of thier policies or whatever. His check then bounced.
daveyb86: Didn't seem a little strange that a complete stranger was essentially giving you $300 just to cash a check for him?
Se7enLC: That's why the scam works so well. If it was a 1:1 deal, people wouldn't do it. But to make $300? Suddenly people are willing to ignore warning signs.
| 6 | 10.166667 | |
1355308893 | 1355368998 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | _---: TIFU by Throwing-up on my Laptop
You know those weird burps that come out of nowhere that have a little juice to it? I usually am able to catch them and put them back down but they kinda burn and they taste like barf. Well today I'm online browsing on my Macbook when I go to move my laptop from my lap onto the bed and when suddenly "grullllug". I upchucked right on my keyboard and trackpad. It wasn't much but I'm concerned it got into the crevasses keyboard, plus I think it's mostly stomach acid (hope it doesn't melt any of the components from the inside out). I cleaned it up with some Clorox brand disinfectant wipes. I'm still a bit grossed out as I'm typing this right now. Hopefully nothing goes wrong, but it might be awkward to confess this if I have to bring my computer to Apple and they see liquid damage.
**TL;DR: Don't misjudge a burp or you'll be cleaning pasta sauce and stomach acid from your Laptop**
bored2242: Macbook? You deserve melted components for buying a mac. *tsk* *tsk* *tsk*
[deleted]: Whenever I see a reference to an apple product in a post, I always go to the comments to see at least one person like you who has envy issues.
bored2242: Why would I envy a Mac? Macs are shit lol.
[deleted]: Yup, he's got envy issues. Move along guys
bored2242: Lol alrighty, moving on.
[deleted]: Ok let me just ask, why are they shit?
bored2242: But it's just envy, thats what you said and it must be true. Huh. So i'm listening to you and just going to *move along*. Cya.
[deleted]: Good. I don't even have to explain why
| 9 | 4.888889 | |
1355289545 | 1355429927 | null | t5_2to41 | 14 | uptownmaker: TIFU by not draining my sprinklers
Well, okay, technically it's been a fuck-up in progress for some weeks, but the bill arrived today.
Putting the kids down when our neighbor comes by to tell us we have a "leak" in the back yard. Turns out, the damn sprinkler cut-off valve has popped and water is spraying EVERYWHERE- on the back side of the house. It's been below freezing for a couple of days, so of course, it's all ice, and wet ice at that.
I close the valve below the leak and- joy!- the spray stops. Figuring better safe than sorry, I open my Han Solo smuggler hatch in the porch to go under the house and shut off the water to that pipe only to discover an inch of water in the basement.
So, I got to spend an hour schlepping buckets of water up from the basement, delicately navigating a giant patch of wet icy sidewalk, and dumping them in the yard. Far, far from the house.
Bomboloero: TIL "schlepping" is an actual english word.
riotousdefect: It's actually Yiddish, although a lot of Yiddish words are put in English dictionaries and such due to the Jewish subculture in America.
| 3 | 4.666667 | |
1355335389 | 1355377677 | null | t5_2to41 | 295 | NelsonJamdela: TIFU by putting dish soap in the dishwasher
*Suds... suds everywhere* (But seriously: I'm an idiot for not discerning the difference between dish "liquid" and dish detergent)
[deleted]: My SO did this nearly on a weekly basis.
I've told him under no circumstances is he ever to do the dishes again.
Cmr7185: I clean half-assed so my SO won't ever ask me to do that particular chore again .confessionbear
epsy: How is using a dishwasher a chore??
[deleted]: How is it not?
epsy: Put dishes in, put detergent in, press button, obtain clean dishes.
[deleted]: >Put dishes in, take dishes out.
Work.
epsy: At worst you can just store them in if you see yourself lazy.
[deleted]: But then what do I do with the dirty ones?
| 9 | 32.777778 | |
1355343749 | 1355395889 | null | t5_2to41 | 340 | throwawaybeagle: TIFU by trying to impress a girl be looking up her address
So I was in class and I was telling my friend how I was going to be in her area for a basketball game over Christmas break. So I said I would I would beep as I drove by. She said I would not be able to find her house. I said I could always look it up and she said "I bet you can't". I took this as a challenge and in 5 minutes on my phone in class I had google street view looking at her house. She was a little freaked out cause I have never been to her house and we are 10 hours away from it right now. She said I was really creepy and that her house was not supposed to be registered. I said I was sorry and things but I felt really creepy too. I just googled her last name(not a very common) plus her city and it popped up. The hard part was spelling her last name. She was really shaken up and I felt really bad like I should go for jail for doing shit like that. And it most likely means I lost my only female friend. I wasn't trying to be creepy and I would never go to her house uninvited. I was just took it as a challenge.
TL;DR: I looked up an girls address to prove a point and I feel really creepy and freaked her out.
annoying_dumb_guy: Not really a great friend if she's seriously angry at you for that...
throwawaybeagle: Yeah she is kind of bitch. I just go to a mostly engineering school so the pickings are slim. I'll just go and jerk off like everyone else.
SindySlaughter: So you're upset that you lost your only female friend because she wasn't an actual friend, but a potential fuck? Damn dude.
DoctoryWhy: Not even sort of. I have both a female roommate and a gay roommate, and we are all really close. I don't even sort of think about shit like that, and I also went into a very male dominated field.
Octopus_Tetris: Isn't that a movie where they all end up fucking each other?
| 6 | 56.666667 | |
1355344332 | 1355385717 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | ShadowBlade69: TIFU my schooling.
I got caught with adderall at school. Suspended, hearing pending. I was legitimately using the adderall to focus more on school >.<
3d12: > I was legitimately using the adderall to focus more on school
If you do not have a prescription, you were **not** "legitimately using" the Adderall. Full stop.
Besides, that crap is terrible. I had to take it 3 times a day for a year or so, and after a while the strain it puts on your body is just awful. If you really need the energy/focus, go with a more natural alternative. Black teas are a good place to start, or coffee if that's more your thing.
ShadowBlade69: Okay, it was not legitimate, but was in use to focus on school. I'm not sure why else you would take it, since it doesn't really get you 'high'.
3d12: I was put on it to stabilize my moods and focus my attention. It ended up doing that, but to such a drastic effect that most days I felt like a zombie. I lost a lot of my "creative spark," as my teachers put it, and simply got the work done so I could go home and read. So, sorry if I came off as sort of brash, but having been in a position where I was forced to take this shit for far longer than I wanted to, I absolutely loathe people acting like it's "the cool thing" because it "helps you study." Because you're wrong, it focuses your attention by negatively impacting your emotional stability. If you're already a functioning human being, you're degrading your mental capability by putting yourself on this junk. There's a reason why people call it Speed Jr, it's practically an amphetamine already. Would you take meth to improve your studying?
All hyperbole and cautions aside, though, because of its close relationship to amphetamines, Adderall is a schedule II substance. If a school finds them on you without a prescription (or, from my own experience, even if you have a prescription and have the pills on your person instead of giving them to the school's licensed medical practitioner) this is considered **posession of a schedule II substance**.
I'll say that again, since you seem like you're having a hard time understanding how badly you fucked up: **you brought illegal drugs to school**. Anything short of expulsion would be lenience incarnate, and if they do take you back, expect to attend a drug addiction treatment program.
Just so you know exactly what kind of level we're on here (and so the rest of us can have a small laugh at your expense) here are some other Schedule II drugs:
* Cocaine
* Methadone
* Oxycodone
* Phencyclidine (PCP)
* Opium
* Morphine
...Would you bring any of these to school? Like ARC_Prisoner said, you saying you were "legitimately using this to help study" is exactly analogous to an athlete justifying blood doping/steroid use as "legitimately trying to improve their performance." Even disregarding the health issues brought up by that, can you honestly say that would be acceptable?
ShadowBlade69: Well, I don't see school as a competition, so I believe if I bring something that will help me do better, than I should be allowed to. If I fuck up, and OD, then that's on me. If I sell it to someone else, that's on me. Maybe I'm just bitter (probably mostly this) but I feel the school system does too much minding of other people's business.
sdobz: A lot of my classes are curved, as in you do better I do worse. I had a professor say that he was giving out 4 A's, 15 B's, 9 C's, 4 D's, and an F. You could be bumping someone who earned a B into a C slot by "bring[ing] something that will help me do better"
No matter how you feel, schools compare students to each other. I see it as similar to cheating. No, you're not only hurting yourself. I had a class where the 10 other students copied each others homework, and I did it myself. Feels bad man.
catcradle5: While I agree OP is fucking stupid, I have never heard of a professor doing that at any school I'm familiar with. That's dickish. So if 10 students study enough and do enough work to get A's, 6 of them will have to settle for B's? That's bullshit, and also not how curves typically work.
sdobz: He was ancient, and knew students wouldn't work that hard. Also, that's exactly how a certain type of curve works, he was fitting the students onto a bell curve.
I had another teacher that would put the students in point order, and would delineate grade letters by large gaps.
catcradle5: That is how certain curves work, but they're dumb. A curve shouldn't *downgrade* your actual earned grade.
sdobz: In high school they always bumped up grades, my experience in college wasn't so consistent. Curves were used as a method of normalization so that the high, low and average were what the professor (or department) wanted. If one quarter they happen to have a TA that grades easy students shouldn't get an advantage.
This is just Devils advocate stuff though, I hate getting curved down so much. Also my original point still stands, cheating yourself can hurt others.
| 10 | 3.6 | |
1355342792 | 1355364642 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | iamatotalfuckup: [TIFU UPDATE] 2 Girls, 1 Intercom
[Original Post](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/14dzpf/tifu_dating_2_girls_and_talking_dirty_on_my/)
First off thanks to everyone for the support and in some cases calling me a fucking douchebag (ahh Reddit).. Mostly for the support!
I decided I was going to take a couple of days away from both Girl A (the nice one) and Girl B (the hipster one) and try to decide what I wanted out of this situation, and how to approach the awkward conversation with Girl A that I still needed to have.
Sunday night I hung out with Girl A. She apologized for over reacting, but said that she was very much into me despite saying otherwise. She acknowledged the fact we have nothing in common, and the best times we've had as a couple (her words) were at my house either cooking, watching a movie, or hooking up. I explained that I didn't think we should continue seeing each other because I didn't want any part of making her feel bad, or any expectations that we would be anything but FWB's. She seemed okay with this, I gave her a pep talk about what an amazing person she is (and she totally is, just not my type), a big hug and took off.
Last night I had a show with Girl B. Right off the bat I apologized to her for being MIA the last couple of days. She had read my last TIFU so she knew what was up. She was cool with everything. We went out to dinner and met up with some friends at a show, and then back to my place.
When we left the venue I thankfully noticed that the front quick release on my bike, and my front brake was disconnected. I lock up through my frame and front wheel, so I just assumed that someone tried to steal my front wheel and then realized they couldn't.
Here's where I get scared and re-think that, Girl B and I get back to my place and I check FB before bed. Girl A has checked herself, her friend Dave, and myself into the venue we were at with the caption "Seeing (band name) with Dave, my bff (me?), and his slut" we didn't see her there, but she included a picture of the stage so it's possible. As a side note I played this band multiple times for Girl A, and not only did she hate them, but she refused to go see them last time they were in town.
*TLDR** Girl A is apparently pretty pissed off at me. I'm probably going to die.
StacheBox: Dun dun dun....
StacheBox: And so the plot thickens
iamatotalfuckup: Yeah, it's going to get interesting, I'm scared.
ItsmeJona: You honestly need to assign someone to finish this. Just in case Girl A goes all [Boudicca](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boudica) over your ass.
You might have the chance to get another redditstory becoming a movie.
Don't mess this up iamatotalfuckup! Just this one time get your shit together make this work and transform one of your fellow redditors into someone who talks at your funeral! Or one of your friends incredible rich.
| 5 | 13 | |
1355340582 | 1355776239 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | dancing_raptor_jesus: TIFU and spilled soup all over my only pair of jeans, all over my laptop my girlfriends floor and table.
What worse it was soup she had made for me... so now I'm sitting on a damp chair, typing this after frantically trying to get this soup out of the floor (very small mushy bits) and wondering what I'm going to do about jeans, seeing as I am also currently locked out of my room and have been bunking in my gf's.
Maybe not a massive fuckup but I feel bad about what I did. Also, what a waste of tasty soup :(
blaqkkat: Out of curiosity, why didn't you just throw your jeans in the wash and walk around in your underwear? it's not like your girlfriend hasn't seen it before...Also you should probably rent one of those fancy deep clean carpet cleaners or at least stick some resolve on it if it stains.
dancing_raptor_jesus: I live in uni halls, with expensive washing machines. I also live in a flat with 5 other people. With the boxers, that's what i did for a bit.
Found out that messy chicken soup cleans really easily from a carpet and just comes out with a brush.
blaqkkat: ahhhh
well that's good.
| 4 | 1.5 | |
1355350113 | 1355809780 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | mouthwords1128: I just failed one of my classes.
About a week ago I received an email from my composition professor detailing what date and time to drop the final portfolio off. My stupid ass self read it as Thursday December 13. So today I was going to touch up some of the papers in it but first decided to go back and reread the email detailing what goes in it. While reading it I reread the drop off date and it says Tuesday December 10. I can't turn it in late and it is worth 60% of my grade. So well fuck.
RequiemStorm: If it makes you feel any better, I failed 2, possibly 3 classes this semester due to horrible horrible laziness. Not proud of it at all, of course, but I hope I can help alleviate someone else's concerns.
blaqkkat: I did that last semester was lazy as fuck all semester and in the end when I realized I was failing one I studied my ass off and forgot about the other 2 classes I need to study for. ended up failing all 3. The only class I passed I literally put no effort into.....
RequiemStorm: Wow, that's exactly hat happened to me.
blaqkkat: I feel like it's pretty common in college. The class I passed was a phil class too...logic and critical thinking....so easy....i did the homework during the class because who wastes time on it outside of class.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1355354381 | 1355356774 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | A_Mediocre_Physicist: TIFU by calling my girlfriend a Nidoqueen.
So last night my girlfriend and I were having dinner with a friend, and somehow we got on the topic of who would be what pokemon. So, I decide to tell my friend that he would be a ditto because he would literally fuck anything. So my girlfriend asked me if anyone would actually fuck a pokemon or if they could possibly be sexual in any way, and I jokingly said "well I guess nidoqueen kinda had boobs right? so sure why not". Her reply was "Oh come on you'd actually have sex with a nidoqueen?". So I said "Well I mean I might as well be fucking one now." Needless to say she was pretty pissed, turns out she was worried about gaining weight and now she's going on an unnecessary diet.
drewgood: seems like something my socially awkward self would do. I feel for you, man.
[deleted]: poor guy just wanted to fuck
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1355351585 | 1355439815 | null | t5_2to41 | 48 | lerissy: TIFU; Drove to the store. Go into the store. Forget why I was there. Leave the store.
My brain totally failed on me. I thought it would be one of those things when I remember when I get home... But, nope. To this moment I have no clue why I went to the store. *face palm*
trolljuice: do you live in Colorado or Washington by any chance? I do that same thing in my kitchen from time to time.
lerissy: I see what you did there. I actually live in New Jersey, but your insinuation may still apply O.o
trolljuice: wait, what were we talking about again?
jbaggins: Wait, why are we here? Maybe I'll remember when I get home.
jbaggins: UPDATE: NOPE.
| 6 | 8 | |
1355353370 | 1355377876 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Aerion7337: TIFU by mistyping....badly....
I went to open this subreddit on my iPhone app. I had been to lazy to subscribe so I had to type "tifu" into Other Reddit. Easy right? Till you type "tilf" instead... (Stands for Teachers I'd Like To F$%&). That's not so bad by itself, but the bus was crowded and a kid I didn't know sat right next to me. I didn't look at my phone immediately, till I noticed he was staring at it. Was really awkward.
five_hammers_hamming: TIL that TILF is a thing.
HaroldSax: TIBE that TILF is a thing.
| 3 | 9 | |
1355365884 | 1355378546 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | hipsterstripes: TIFU by responding to a knock at the door
I don't know what on earth allowed me to do this but I had a weird knock at my door around 8PM from someone who was going around to all the apartments around. He started off by saying it was a project and that he needed to ask me a few questions to get to know me and asked me things like my favorite color or what I did for a job. He then handed me a little book thing (that really made no sense to me) and said he would be winning things if I donated. Now I do not usually let strange people into my home but I was distracted and off my guard so when he asked if I could let him use my table to write down info on, I did. He also was making jokes this whole time like "you aren't going to kidnap me are you?" so I am still confused and wondering what this book thing he handed me is with numbers and pictures. He claims they are magazine subscriptions or donations but does not tell me prices on anything and so I asked him to pick one. He picks this one that he says is a donation for a school and that it is $65. Luckily for me I suppose, I did not have enough cash and was not even willing to spend that much so I wrote a check for $20 as a donation and then he left.
I then came back down and sat at my computer and thought "what in the fuck did I just do?" I then cancelled my check online and plan on calling the bank in the morning to make sure it will not be cashed and my account will not be scammed. I am so ashamed of myself for not using common sense and noticing what was going on. :/
tl;dr wrote a check to random solicitor at my door for $20 then cancelled it.
ApolloGiant: What the heck? You sound like you were drugged or something. Really that disorientating to talk to someone?
hipsterstripes: Not usually. I have no clue what was going on in my mind to let something like this happen.
FaKeShAdOw: I think it's how those people talk in circles to kinda make you want them to go away and also be extremely confused as to exactly what they want.
| 4 | 5 | |
1355377813 | 1355546672 | null | t5_2to41 | 304 | MadMikeLove: TIFU by taking an online final exam and using Opera internet broswer.
If anyone uses this browser, then you know it's very incompatible with a lot of websites, but the features are so useful that it keeps me using it.
So my online class's website is one of those sites that hate opera.
Throughout the whole semester i used google chrome to take the course because the radio buttons (little bubbles you click) won't work in Opera. Without thinking, i go into the final exam on opera, which is a one-sitting only 2 hour test, and quickly realize the mistake i made. The second i clicked on the first radio button, my browser locked up the page, and for 30 minutes i looked up possible real time fixes but nothing helped. I had no choice but to close the browser and tried opening the test in chrome.
Nope.
0/100 on the final. due tonight at midnight. Possibly failed the class.
TIFU.
EDIT: I have tried to contact my professor, but all i can do now is play the waiting game.
2ND MAGNIFICENT EDIT: He's knocking 10 percent off the final and said I can retake it until midnight tonight. That is fair. I had a feeling that it would turned into a "well it's your own fault" kind of thing (don't get me wrong, it pretty much was my fault), but at that point I would've had to drive down to my school and start shoving library books in all the wrong places. Yes. That would've been my evil revenge plan.
3rd whatever the fuck edit: got a 97. Fuck yea. Which means I got an 87. cool I guess.
Vusys: You've got be to missing something; Opera is hardly "very incompatible with a lot of websites".
Even with god awful VLE websites like Blackboard, Opera will work just fine.
recteur_36: Netflix doesn't work with Opera.
ctyt: Doesn't work on Chrome anymore either. Keeps falsely hassling me about Silverlight not being installed .
comments_more_load: It works perfectly for me on Chrome. Chrome's my daily driver for my HTPC and I've yet to find any streaming video site it doesn't play nice with.
SuperNinKenDo: >Chrome's my daily driver for my HTPC
No offense, but yuck.
comments_more_load: *shrug* it's fine. Not a single issue with it so far, and I stream from a wide range of sources as well as use the same browser for nzb's and torrents. I have XBMC for a front-end that I use sometimes but what would be a better choice for a browser?
SuperNinKenDo: Do you really need to use a browser for that kinda stuff? It's so... Inelegant. I dunno, that would bother me personally. I'd want a consistent interface for all videos, and if I can get that in XBMC4Xbox you can get that in XBMC, though I dunno if you just really dislike browsing youtube in a menu or something.
comments_more_load: I dunno, it hasn't been a problem for me. I definitely need a browser of some kind for some of the stuff I do on there, though. When I want to browse my own library and watch videos I use XBMC. I suppose I could configure XBMC to handle more, but it's never been a big enough issue for me to invest the time.
SuperNinKenDo: Hmmm, it just seems like if you're gonna have an HTPC, make it as integrated an experience as possible. That's my feelings about it anyway. There's plugins and stuff that make integrating stuff like YouTube, Netflix, ABCiView,etc etc, extremely simple and much more elegant than switching out to a browser like a desktop PC peasant.
It's up to you, but for me at least, it greatly improves my overall experience.
comments_more_load: Regardless, there's always going to be something that XBMC doesn't support. I guess calling it a true HTPC is a misnomer on my part, as I do everything from that PC from checking movie listings to ordering takeout. Just happens to be hooked up to a sound system and a 60" TV ;)
So I guess I'm just a peasant.
SuperNinKenDo: Okay then, be butthurt at my advice and lighthearted jibe.
comments_more_load: How am I butthurt? I haven't downvoted your posts, have made an effort to respond substantively, and I don't think I've insulted you. Are you quite sure you know what butthurt means?
SuperNinKenDo: Well your last sentence kinda made it feel like you were pissed off at me....
comments_more_load: I'm really not! Just clarifying what I use the PC for. In truth it's probably my fault for calling it an HTPC when it's really a multi-use PC that I mostly use to watch video. It is pretty cool being able to pause Homeland and order food through an online portal. Makes it feel like the future.
SuperNinKenDo: The future... Is NOW!
| 16 | 19 | |
1355372616 | 1355708753 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | clobhair: TIFU by throwing up into my own hand.
Every morning after a night of drinking, I wake up really early feeling like I need to throw up. The weird thing is that I always run to bathroom, get ready to throw up, and then just sneeze. EVERY. TIME. This morning I had the feeling again, but I was extremely tired and didn't want to exert all that energy into going to bathroom just to sneeze. I stayed in bed. I then sat up, ready to sneeze, but when I went to cover my mouth, I ended up catching a whole lot of my own throw up. I immediately regretted that decision.
nuke_eyepopper: i keep trash bags near by just in case. they fo1d over a empty 12pk box we11 too.
edthehamstuh: Does your L key not work?
nuke_eyepopper: nope i spi11ed beer on it 5 years ago.
edthehamstuh: ohhh.. alright then.
| 5 | 4.4 | |
1355384425 | 1355701687 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | HaroldSax: TIFU by smashing my face and breaking my glasses.
I work in the shipping industry, at a warehouse, and I'm typically doing what is known as lumping. Lumping is simply removing the contents of containers (or trailers) and putting them on pallets so they can be staged for picking. Our most annoying and most troublesome product is a box of pool sticks that weigh around 55 lbs. That's not very heavy, but the boxes are rather cumbersome in that they're incredibly long, about 7 feet long. The part that gets annoying is that they're put into the trailer tightly confined, thus, when disassembling a "wall" of them, the first box in a row has to be pushed back towards the front of the trailer, and then lifted up. Again, this isn't necessarily difficult until you begin getting the ones on the floor.
My crew was nearing the end of the trailer, and when we get to this point, we typically get our second wind so we can just finish it up. During this, we had a box that was particularly stubborn and my co-worker was saying he couldn't remove it, at which point I ridiculed him because camaraderie. He challenged me to remove the box.
Unbeknownst to me, the floor of the trailer was wet at that particular location and due to the fact that these trailers have no light source, it was incredibly dark and I missed this. I did a really goofy wind up to grab the box, and then lowered myself to begin removing it. I put all of my strength into it, and then it happened. My left leg slipped and I slammed face first into the box, Family Guy style. Upon contact with the box, I hit my nose so hard I began to bleed and my face swelled up, my left knee also hit the floor so hard that I momentarily lost feeling in it. I began to pick myself up and noticed that my glasses weren't on any longer, and went to find them only to discover that the left arm (of my glasses) was no longer attached and the middle had been seriously cracked so that it didn't properly sit on the bridge of my nose; this was further complicated by the fact that my nose was swelling up pretty badly.
The valuable lesson that I learned today is that Bobby is, in fact, a dick.
**TL;DR I slipped while picking up a box and light speed smashed into a box possibly breaking my nose and definitely breaking my glasses.**
nuke_eyepopper: aww man that bites!
HaroldSax: My face is pretty banged up today. There is some heavy grinding in my nose and my knee is as well.
nuke_eyepopper: aww man i hope its doin a1ot better now =]
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1355392825 | 1355420287 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | nariox: TIFU while fixing a clogged drain
Actually this happend last week, but I only found out about TIFU today.
Well, I cleaned some vegetables in the kitchen sink as usual and apparently some of the mung beans were washed into the drain where they finally clogged the pipe. It was not completely closed, water did flow off at a very, very slow pace. So we decided to try the standard household remedies such as vinegar and baking soda. But no luck. A quick examination of remaining flow rate vs length of the pipe below the sink showed that it was probably worth to remove some of the pipes because the clog might be somewhere in there.
So I crunched down (hit the garbage can with my nose pretty hard) and unscrewed the threads. The smell was horrifying. Immediately some of the brown-ish, glibbery stuff flows out, all over my fingers. I try to contain it within the pipe with my bare hands, hold the pipe horizontally and manage to prevent the worst while moving it over a bucket. Actually I was quite successful, none of the mud or water hit the floor. So I look down at my really dirty hands, the extremly dirty pipes and decide to clean that.
I get up, turn around, turn on the faucet and start to clean everything. After a second I realize that water is flowing off again in no time. My thought was about "Hey, I fixed it! Look at me!". A split second later it was more like "Wait, where are those splashing noises coming from? Is there something leaking below the sink?". Then it hit me. I had removed the drainpipe not 30 seconds ago but was washing dirt down the drain, into the cupboard right below... stinking mudd and dirt *everywhere*.
**TL;DR:** Removed drainpipe from sink. Cleaned it in the same sink. Kitchen now stinks.
drakmordis: Reminds me of one of my own fuck-ups.
A few years ago, I made a serious miscalculation involving my kitchen sink. I had 3 litres of dirty cooking oil to dispose of, and not much time to do it.
If I had waited for the oil to cool, all would have been well. Long story short, I melted the ABS p-trap under that sink.
Learned me some plumbing that day
maxiums: Just always remember not to poor bacon greases or other meat greases down the drain they will clog the drain.
tsims145: I pour greases down the drain quite a bit. I usually wait until just before it is hardening, so I know it isn't going to melt the pipes, and then run HOT water, and a lot of it, keeping it hot enough to stop it from solidifying midway. I always have drano or liquid plumber on hand just in case it bites me in the ass some day.
multiplesifl: Hot water and then a shitload of dish soap.
tsims145: Dish soap usually follows as well, yes.
| 6 | 14.833333 | |
1355416298 | 1355736235 | null | t5_2to41 | 459 | Vortex851: TIFU by getting an earbud so deeply jammed into my ear canal that it needed medical attention.
I would like to start off by suggesting that Dr. Dre sodomize himself with a microphone covered in brass tacks. Why? I'll tell you. I had been given an apparently "top of the line" pair of Beat Tours (the ones with the ear buds). They cost about $250.00 with tax. First thing I noticed was that the sound was absolute SHITE. Second thing was a bit more obvious, a month after purchase the right bud just stopped working entirely. I still grudgingly used them, as having only one ear bud in decreases the chance of death by bus while walking. Yesterday while on a bus listening to an audiobook I began to nod off with right fist resting on the side of my head. I was startled out of sleep by a crazy man jibbering about some new form of jabber. In the process of the startle, to catch my head from falling I used my fist essentially punching myself in the ear. The ear bud (shaped like an battle arrow that's meant to go in and not come out) jammed its way deep into my ear canal and detached from the headphones. At first I was just stunned looking at my earphones trying to figure out where I dropped the right one. I felt a "funny" feeling in my ear that I quickly checked with my finger thus boring said ear-bud deeper. The friend I was travelling with looked and swore he could see NOTHING in my ear between fits of red faced laughter. Then came the PAIN. Like a deep earache that has decided to end its life by repeatedly banging its head against my ear drum. I thought I could get it out with tweezers and a mirror. Long story short NOPE. So I hopped off the bus at my stop and transferred to a bus that's on a route with a walk in clinic. Arriving at the walk in clinic tears running down the right side of my face I was given a info sheet for my information and for what brought me to this fine establishment today. I wrote "Got earbud hella jammed in right ear". Upon giving the (moderately attractive) young nurse my sheet, she looked down at it, looked up into my face and broke down laughing. Pretending that I had no more fucks to give that day, I Just took a seat in the exam room and tried to think about puppies, titties or anything other than the fiery cataclysm that was going on in my right ear. When the doctor arrived she read my chart, took one of those ear scopes and looked in my ear. Under her breath I'm %92 sure that I heard her mutter "holy fuck" then she left the room saying she'd be right back. There could have been more laughter in the hallway but I can't be positive. She came back wielding the most vicious pair of long shiny pliers I have ever seen, and it was about then that I resigned myself to spend the rest of my life with one working ear. It took her only about 2 minutes to remove the ear bud but every second was agonizing pain. It felt like someone was pulling a barbed arrow from the middle of my brain out through my ear. When she finally fully removed the damn thing my relief was palpable. I hugged her (half out of thanks half out of getting to feel doctor titties on my chest) and I left the room. On my way out of the clinic the nurse I had first talked to was on her phone laughing, and by the sounds of it probably at me. Lesson to learn here children. If you have earphones with detachable buds superglue them bitches so this won't happen to you. I did a little research and this shit is dangerous it can permanently scar your ear drum. Oh and if everyone could give Dr. Dre a good swift kick in the box that would be cool too.
TL;DR Dr. Dre Beat headphone bud got lodged in my inner ear canal. No one could see it or get it out. Went to walk in clinic where moderately attractive nurse laughed at my misfortune. Had what felt like an Alien Symbiote wrenched from deep in my skull. Was laughed at again while leaving office. Went home drew a bubble bath ate some chocolate and softly masturbated myself to sleep
Edit: Just wanted to remind people that I received the beats as a gift. I did not spend $250.00 on headphones that make every performer sound like Bob Dylan.
[deleted]: TIFU by buying a 250.00 pair of headphones when the ones that are like 20.00 are just as good.
ytayj: Fucking truth.
I have a £25 pair of Sony monitoring headphones that I use at home. I've tried Beats and other £100+ over-ear headphones in shops and I cannot tell the difference.
I might add that I've had these headphones for about 3 years and I've done everything from tripping over the cable to accidentally ripping off one of the cups (thankfully it snapped back into place) and they're still OK.
I'm willing to bet Beats wouldn't go through that.
theonefree-man: My KRKs could gangrape beats. Seriously.
FauxJour: Love my KRKs, you got the Rokits?
theonefree-man: I'm pickin' up a pair in a few weeks, right now i'm loving my KNS8400s. Dat neutral response.
FauxJour: Oh yes. I use DT770s.
| 7 | 65.571429 | |
1355416231 | 1355455340 | null | t5_2to41 | 81 | prussianiron: TIFU by getting aftershave on my testicles
So for Channukah one of my presents was some nice cologne and aftershave. Now I have never used aftershave before, and until recently I was shaving with an electric razor so I had no real reason to know what it was.
After a quick google search informed me that it helped reduce razor burn, I was pretty eager to try it out. After shaving my face I put some on, burned for a second due to the alcohol but afterwards felt fine. Then we get to my fuck up.
Remember how I said I had always used to shave with an electric razor? Well I stopped this practice for one main reason. My girlfriend informed me that she liked fully shaved pubes, and since I don't really care what my pubes look like as long as she's happy, I have been shaving down below for a while now. Of course you can't do this with an electric razor, so blades it is.
I usually have razor burn after shaving there, but it's gotten less and less frequent and common lately. But hey, I figured why not try and see how this aftershave stuff works?
Well I didn't really know how to apply it, so I just kinda spilled a bit out of the container and onto my pubic region. Again it burned slightly on my razor burn, but then was fine afterwards. Until it hit me.
Some had gotten onto my balls. It hurt a little at first, I thought it would be fine, but then it got worse and worse and now my balls feel like they've got one of those little heat pack things inside each one. Christ it hurts. And then of course I hobbled downstairs to get some ice and place it on my injured testes. Still hurts like a bitch though.
**TL;DR**: Aftershave is confirmed BAD on testicles.
99-LS1-SS: The best way to get it off is with Bengay or Icyhot.
[deleted]: sweet merciful jesus
| 3 | 27 | |
1355438149 | 1355464804 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | jbaggins: TIFU by using icy hot.
So I was sick right.. 3am rolls around and I wake up out of my fuck-all nyquil coma pretty groggy with a stuffy nose. I venture into my kitchen to get some water and happen to remember there's a tub of icy hot on my table. Now, I remember when you were a kid if you had a stuffy nose, you'd rub a little Vick's Vapor Rub on your chest and it'd fix you right up. In college it progressed to rubbing it on your upper lip (We were thinkers then). So I figure Icy Hot, Vicks Vapor Rub, fuck it.. same thing.. and proceeded to smear a load across my upper lip like I was a raging homo in the back alley of a Pride parade. Ha .. back alley.. pride parade.. Anyway, I wake up the next morning, look in the mirror, and realized I've got enough cold sores on my lip to have sufficiently blown everyone in the back alley of a Pride parade. I had to work that morning too. And to top it off, I didn't have a car and had to take the bus. It was a lovely day.
SierraNevadan: Herpes causes cold sores, not Icy Hot.
jbaggins: You apparently have never put icy hot on your lip. My friend if you feel so inclined, throw a line of icy hot on your lip and go to bed. I'll wait.
darthelmo: There's a difference between cold sores and the chemical disintegration of flesh. One is the result of hideously embarrassing stupidity. The other is herpes.
| 4 | 6 | |
1355452873 | 1355630472 | null | t5_2to41 | 178 | jewelboxer: TIFU by being an ungrateful bitch to my reddit secret santa
on tuesday (which happened to be my birthday), i got home late. my incredibly thoughtful secret santa's gift, a gorgeous book on scuba diving sites, drastically brightened my mood as soon as i saw it. wanting to get him some more-than-due credit immediately, i confirmed that i had received my gift the next day. this whole week has been CRAZY busy; my thought process was something along the lines of, 'i'll confirm and go back to add pictures tomorrow.'
so this evening i take some pictures of my beautiful new book and then get distracted with wrapping gifts for an adopt-a-child project my 2nd period class has scheduled tomorrow. feeling a bit overwhelmed after about an hour, i leave my wrapping paper- and ribbon-strewn living room floor to check my mail. my secret santa sent me ANOTHER gift! it was a super sexy black leather dexter apron. i did what any rational woman would do. i walked straight back to my apartment, took off all my clothes, put on my new dexter apron, and took some pictures of me in it, reading my new dive book.
then i started wrapping gifts again.
when i finally finished wrapping gifts (about 30 minutes ago), i grabbed a trash bag and cleaned up. i put some real clothes back on. i took the trash out. i came back in. i sat down to reddit...
so now i can't find a way to edit r/secretsanta gift gallery posts i've made. and i can't find my secret santa's reddit name because in my naked gift-wrapping glory, i THREW IT OUT WITH THE TRASH.
is this situation salvageable? is there a way to repost to the gift gallery? much more importantly, if there isn't, how am i gonna find and thank this guy? his gifts were perfect freaking matches, and they made two of my days, and they will both be totally treasured.
possibly the saddest part; i remember his real name, but not his username. fml.
doublemenumbers: Really? Nobody?
Fine I'll be that guy...
Pics or GTFO.
jewelboxer: shoulda considered this when i outed myself as a chick, i suppose. seems fair.
http://imgur.com/5mJc8
dirty mirror and all.
[deleted]: sexy pose!
jewelboxer: Why thank you. Allow me to show you my extensive plastic collection...?
[deleted]: i wonder how you got those well-developed shoulders and arms? kudos.
edit: omg are you an actual boxer? that would rock. i am too.
jewelboxer: Aw SHUCKS;) I'm not a boxer, but I am a tennis coach.
MoneyMan195: Finally. A reason to comment. What type of racquet do you use? I use a Prince...
jewelboxer: a babolat. had a wilson for a while that i loved.
MoneyMan195: I don't know why but I've never really like Wilson. Like, the structure of it just threw off my backhands...
jewelboxer: i loved mine because it was super light. also, the handle was thinner, so i really liked the grip. only time i don't want the object my hand is wrapped around to be super thick...
MoneyMan195: Note to self, *she likes her shafts thinner than others...*
But ya. I completely understand that. I'd prefer em thicker, but only of they're soft. I can't stand holding onto a candy bar (as I like to call them) when hitting my racquet.
jewelboxer: Ugh. Agreed, candy bars are the worst. I end up losing my grip on those, and truth be told, I grip like a girl;)
MoneyMan195: I like a girl with a grip though :3
I actually just finished playing. Thoroughly cracked my head unfortunately. Fuck me right?
jewelboxer: oh curses! sorry buddy, that sucks. i've never done that to one of mine, but one of my boys did when i loaned him a racquet. fuck me indeed.
MoneyMan195: Ya. What tension strings do you use?
jewelboxer: 60(ish), which is kinda low for my racquet, but I don't hit hard. i'm also seriously lazy about getting it restrung; i seldom get to just PLAY, as i'm running drills in practice all day.
MoneyMan195: Haha. Ik! It's hard trying to actually find time to *play* the sport I love. Even though its the sport that I'm working on 24/7 lol
| 18 | 9.888889 | |
1355455772 | 1355470684 | null | t5_2to41 | 80 | beard8: TIFU taking off my pants.
I tried to kick off my pants after class today and forgot to take a pen out of my pocket. I stepped on the pen and it left a hole in my foot that proceeded to bleed all over the carpet in my apartment. Then I went to the doctor and they had to stitch it up and now I'm on crutches for the next 9 days before I can get the stitches taken out.
darthelmo: At least you didn't shit yourself.
Sageypie: I like to think that this is an upside to any bad situation. Car accidents, fights, bad dates, bad movies, awkward situations, you name it. If you didn't shit yourself, then be glad it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been.
| 3 | 26.666667 | |
1355449954 | 1355464804 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | Trininsta_raven: TIFU By not knowing my final was tuesday and not Thursday...
I am 100% going to fail this class, thank god it was a pass no pass class but holy shit I fucked up hard and I know I was going to pass the class but the final was worth 30% of the grade and I fucking missed it, holy shit i'm a god damn retard, why did I think it was today...
Ghost17088: I never understood how people miss finals.
DoctoryWhy: Well you came to the right subreddit then. Around finals time of year, there are heaps of stories of people doing just that. Apparently people really like throwing their money away.
Ghost17088: No joke. Beside being mentioned in class (I'm sure multiple times), in every class I ever took it was in the syllabus. Not to mention most follow a standard university schedule for finals. It makes no sense, especially in these days with practically everyone owning a smart phone. Its easy enough to put your final exam time and set an alarm for an hour before it.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1355455314 | 1364941342 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | Iron_Lumberjack: TIFU by drinking too much.
I went to a Chinese restaurant in a mall in order to mix up my daily routine. It's called "GOOD LUCK," in case anybody is wondering. Now it gets interesting. I finish some chicken-on-a-bed-of-rice kind of dish and all that's left is some red peppers that are thin and long and smell like oranges. I figure "why not? The Chinese can make chicken taste like oranges, so they must be able to make peppers into harmless strips of carbon compounds," so I munch on one, savoring the semi-sweet flavor until all of the seeds are lined up perfectly on my left row of molars and such. I then proceed to break them all open at once; this leaves my mouth quickly incapacitated and I reach for my nearest drink(s)-- three liters of Coca Cola. I then proceed to chug it all down whilst my friends look on in admiration of my stomach's ability. The quick-to-pressurize carbonated water in the soda caused me to just... explode.
My last words were "I want to vomit," when suddenly, like the dragon I momentarily was, I vomited so violently that I was blowing sodabubblesmoke out of my nose while I exhaled my miscellaneousfoodmixedwithbilefire. It was glorious. It went EVERYWHERE. I then proceeded to run faster than I've ever ran before, doubled over and foaming out the... nose... all the way to the restrooms. I then proceed to check all the stalls for occupation furiously tapping and rapping at each one, receiving an "occupado," or an "I'm in here, asswipe!" eventually, I just tore the trash can off of the floor and violently evacuated my innards into the flimsy vessel. I felt like I'd just prolapsed my stomach, yet I still felt the fire in my mouth through this whole occasion. My tongue is still rather sore.
Sptsjunkie: This was not what I was expecting from the title. But bravo. Simply marvelous. I have made the same mistake with those Chinese peppers before, but never doubled down on it with a liter of cola.
Paracletus_de_Salute: Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?
Sptsjunkie: The fact that one person still understand the reference makes me start my day with a smile.
jimball2112: only if he's a cop!
| 5 | 6.6 | |
1355477219 | 1355528602 | null | t5_2to41 | 510 | brownmike3: TIFU and well... Hot Dumper Neighbor Girl made me fuck up..
Welp... So today I went over to the ex's house. She and I are more like siblings more than anything, It's been 5 years since we dated but her family and I are extremely close. Every Thursday is "bar day" and we go out and get shitfaced, go home, order food and argue about mundane shit. tonight, we were low on ice, so I drove the full two blocks to the nearest 7-11 to snag some for our whiskey 7's. I just bought a new car 3 days ago, and was more than willing to volunteer to go to the store. As I am exiting her house, I notice that the neighbor's smoking hot daughter is in town. Probably just visiting from college for Christmas Break. As I am walking out and approaching my car I notice she is wearing some tight yoga pants and bending over into her trunk, retrieving her luggage or some shit. I am 100 percent an ass guy and this girl has a phenomenal dumper on her. She turns for a second and must have recognized me from previous visits and gives the cutest little smile and waves. I am filled with all sorts of giddiness and excitement and wave back, responding with the least masculine, pitiful fairy wave and high pitched "hello there" humanly possible.. I'm kicking myself for being such a bitch but she just keeps smiling and goes about her business as I enter my car. I can't keep my eyes off her ass and she turns again as I get in my car and gives me another cute smile. At this point I'm thinking that she wants to say something or ask a question. I fumble with my keys, sitting in my car, heart pounding as I prepare to roll the window down and engage with Hot Dumper Neighbor Girl.. She is now covering her beautiful mouth and laughing pretty hard. How hard you ask, so hard that she is on one knee and I'm pretty sure she had tears rolling down her cheek. I finally grab a hold of my stupid fucking key and attempt to stick it in the ignition. It is just now that I realize, that in my stupid fucking ass-struck stupor, I've climbed into the backseat of my car, and Hot Dumper Neighbor Girl is laughing her ass off, at me.. I rested my head on the back of the desired seat, eventually sulked out and drove off.. I said fuck the ice and went straight home. Yeah, I guess you can say I kinda fucked up.
chorjin: Don't drive drunk, asshole.
jacqueofalltrades: He didn't, asshole.
chorjin: > Every Thursday is "bar day" and ***we go out and get shitfaced, go home,*** order food and argue about mundane shit.
I wasn't making a statement about a specific incident, it's a rule for life. ...Are you seriously mad that I criticized *drunk driving*?
jacqueofalltrades: They can take a cab, take a subway, have a dd.
You just assumed he was drunk driving and called him an asshole.
That's being an asshole.
And I said "he didn't" drunk drive, how can you possibly derive anything from that that's anywhere close to me getting mad at you for criticizing drunk driving.
Edit:
To what you put in bold. What the fuck do you do after you get shitfaced? Sleep at the bar?
chorjin: I don't drink, deal with it nerd.
jacqueofalltrades: The fuck? You just completely ignored everything I said.
Told me you don't drink, and then called me a nerd...*for drinking?*
Jesus christ you're an idiot.
chorjin: In all seriousness though I think it's morally reprehensible that you can get all buttmad and attack me because I had the *gall* to criticize a drunk driver.
jacqueofalltrades: Again, I never said that.
I said that there's no PROOF or anything he would say, that would indicate in any way that he was drunk driving. And you called him an asshole for no reason.
chorjin: And then *you* called *me* an asshole for no reason. Dare I say it? H--hyp--hypocr----OH MY GOD, YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE!
jacqueofalltrades: No, I called you an asshole for calling someone an asshole for no reason.
That's completely warranted.
chorjin: You called someone an asshole for calling someone an asshole for drunk driving. That seems to be what you're missing here--you're defending drunk driving, I'm attacking it. Do you have a drinking problem? Do we need to talk about this? I worked in the DUI counseling industry for a while, and I know it can be hard, but you can beat this.
jacqueofalltrades: Wow, you're really not getting it. I've said it three times already.
He. Was. Not. Drunk. Driving.
You made an incorrect assumption. And then called him an asshole.
That is being an asshole.
ChaseVozen: Aaaaaand...saved this thread. Hilarious argument.
jacqueofalltrades: Glad I could be of some comic relief!
| 15 | 34 | |
1355485932 | 1355582756 | null | t5_2to41 | 44 | rosh1988: TIFU by sending my girlfriend a text but sent it to my boss by mistake.
i been rushing around at work getting orders sorted for the boss and my gf had the day off looking for properties to rent , i thought i better send a text see if shes ok and if shes had any luck, the text said " hey baby how r u?any luck with the viewing? its friday fuck night see you later" I did text back saying wrong person!
urmm im now just waiting for a response. my boss hopefuly should laugh it off , or rape me, just hope he laughs it off....
JEEVUS: Yeah, he could laugh it off, or it could be a good icebreaker.
rosh1988: to keep u informed he rang me not so long ago, saying " hey babe can u go upstairs and bring down some stuff" so im hoping hes just playing or long or i may of started to lead him on!
an_ill_mallard: ...did you actually just write 'or long' instead of 'along'? I have never seen that one before.
rosh1988: haha my bad , im hopeless , all awkwardness flying around atm!
an_ill_mallard: I STILL THINK that you are illiterate but I really enjoy your enthusiasm and general pleasantness.
| 6 | 7.333333 | |
1355472734 | 1355511100 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | thejamesstage: TIFU at the recycling machines
so i save all my bottles and cans so i scrounge up some cash when i return them. i had been saving up for a long while by this point so my collection was rather extensive.
anyway, i brought all my bags of cans to a deposit place. i started to put the cans into the machine first since i had so many and after i put them all in, i left it and started to do plastic. by the time i finished the plastic, the can machine had time out and printed my receipt for me; it was by far the biggest take of the day. i took out the receipt and then noticed a straggling can left. stupidly, i picked up the can with the hand with the receipt in it and inserted it. the machine sucked the can in along with my receipt for the cash...
tardis3134: How much was it?
thejamesstage: 16.35
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1355508066 | 1355709440 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | King_For_A_Day: TIFU My iPod is messed up
I was play fighting with a friend and he ended up getting my iPod and throw it. The screen cracked and the top button doesn't work, its jammed. I have 4th generation iPod. I have a warranty on it still but I jail broke it. I'm wondering if I can un- jailbreak it. Fuck I'm so pissed. Agh.
creepingdeathv2: ever heard of a neat little website called google.com .. people generally use it to find porn ... but it works for figure your shit out too ... try it simetime... abd btw what the guy said above works too.
Darthblaker7474: You know people use regional Googles (such as .co.uk or .co.dk)
bippyz: You know Google.whatever redirects you based on your Geo location? Which was annoying when I was on a business trip to Korea. The number of times I snarled "English, mother fuckers!" became a game at the office.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1355513076 | 1355611043 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | canipaybycheck: TIFU Fuckup Friday: Alcohol.
We're continuing the [weekly fuck-up friday thread](http://redd.it/141n3t). This is essentially a thread where you share your past fuck-ups within a certain category.
Have you ever fucked up because you drank a little too much?
Please share your story, and as always, details are strongly encouraged.
michellexbelle: A couple years ago, I was with a group of friends at a halloween party. It was BYOB and my liquor of choice was 100 proof root beer flavored vodka. It tasted great, and now you can see the problem... So after we've been there for a couple hours one of my friends (not realizing how drunk I am) hands me her keys and asks me to take her friend back to their apartment because he's feeling sick. Apparently I thought they were MY keys and just went right back to my apartment a few blocks away, losing her friend who of course is in from out of town and has no idea where he is. After trying and failing to use her keys to get into my apartment I just sat down on the back porch, dressed like a slutty ladybug, and cried. They eventually found both me and the poor guy I abandoned, though I'm pretty sure I gave them a heart attack in the process...
Basoran: >slutty ladybug
I enjoyed the dichotomy of this statement and would like to see pictures.
michellexbelle: The only picture from that night that I looked remotely composed in- http://imgur.com/SPVHB
Basoran: Lovely, thanks for sharing.
| 5 | 5.2 | |
1355523038 | 1355581875 | null | t5_2to41 | 197 | dumbITguy: TIFU by deleting a network of virtual servers with no backup
Much of this probably won't make sense to people who don't work in IT. Those who do will understand...
I was building a farm of virtual servers to replace a network of aging physical machines. They were connected to a SAN over iSCSI and all VHDs were stored there. Everything was still pre-production but I had it ready to go: Exchange servers with a DAG and CAS array, file server, secondary DC, print, BES, a few others.
It was decided we would no longer need the Exchange servers because they were going to outsource email. I went to delete the LUN that was used for mail data storage. Little did I know, the LUNs were mislabeled in the SAN. The one holding mail was labeled OS and the one with all of the virtual hard drives -- AKA the one where EVERYTHING ACTUALLY LIVED -- was labeled Mail. I deleted Mail, added the drives to the LUN earmarked for file storage, and noticed that all of my VMs were offline. Checked the host, saw that the mail LUN was still connected (iSCSI) but my OSes were offline. Checked again and realized what happened.
There was no backup because it was decided by someone who isn't me that we needed extra space to continue backing up their existing data. It could not be restored because I already put the physical disks into an existing storage pool and expanded the volume and partition from within Windows. All was lost. Abandon all hope.
No production data was lost. Exchange had to go anyway and that was the most time-consuming portion of the setup. Could have been way worse. This would not have happened if it was production because I'd have been more careful, moved slower, and had backups of everything. Still, I've never been so embarrassed in my almost-ten-year career.
TL;DR. Mislabeled storage leads to massive accidental deletion. LABEL EVERYTHING, LABEL CAREFULLY.
kurin: You messed up, but the axe should fall on everyone who was involved in the decision **NOT TO BACK SHIT UP**.
fnordcircle: No, you see, it's better to lose days or weeks of an employee's work than to shell out for a few more terabytes of backup capacity because unicorns.
[deleted]: Or, if you're my ex-colleague, it's better to *pretend* that you've set up a backup process and then bluff your way through the six months you have left at that job before moving on to something else. That was a nice surprise for the poor fuck who took over her job.
fnordcircle: That 'poor fuck' had more job security, at least.
| 5 | 39.4 | |
1355526579 | 1355794650 | null | t5_2to41 | 75 | kyperion: TIFU by trying to open my mouth wider than it usually does.
So today I bought some Chipotle so I spread crap loads of Tabasco sauce onto my burrito with shredded beef I take a bite. I eat until 3/4 is up until I then try to take another bite. This time the burrito is bigger than usual so I widen my mouth a little larger till well... my jaw starts hurting so then I try to back up by taking the thing out of my mouth.(That's what she said) But it turns out that the Chipotle made me also want to crap. So I was stuck there with tons of crap waiting to leave while my jaw was hurting and stuck like crap. One move would let all the crap out. So then I felt a sneeze and then I tried to hold it in but the spiciness of the Tabasco sauce was hurting so I sneezed and released all my crap in my pants. And blew all my food all over my table.
TL:DR I tried to open my mouth bigger than usual, got my jaw stuck and hurting, crapped my pants, and blew food all over my table.
madMadness: When are you going to stop making fake fuck ups?
For those doubting check his other posts
kyperion: What do you mean fake fuckups if you check it says that the fuckups where I was a 14 yea old happened over 23 years ago. I just posted it then to see if I get any karma. So that takes out the only thing contradicting my fuck ups. Now stop trying to get karma by posting negative comments and actually try POSTING SOMETHING!
WinglbertWinperdinck: Yeah. So you're 37? Fuck off LOL
kyperion: Why should I Reddit is for people of all ages. Not just elementary and middle school children.
| 5 | 15 | |
1355523641 | 1355620308 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | ratbaby: TIFU by leaving my phone on the roof of our car...
I'm still in high school and too young to drive, so my mom drives me to school. I was putting on my sweatshirt in the morning and set my phone on the roof. I completely forgot it was there. I get to school and before my first period class I cant find my phone! So I spend about ten minutes just looking for my phone and then come to the conclusion that I must've just left it in the car. Flash forward to in between first and second period, my friend walks up to me. He asks me what kind of car my mom has. I tell him. He asks me if I set my phone on the roof this morning. I say yes I did. It hasn't clicked yet what actually happened. He then drops the bomb that this morning when he saw my mom drive off he saw a phone on the roof. My phone had a silicon case so it must've stuck but im still impressed by how far it made it. I call my mom from the school phone but by that time its too late. I lost my almost brand new (5 month old) Droid 4 because of my stupidity. Luckily I was able to reactivate my brother's old Droid 2. Today I definitely fucked up.
TL;DR I left my phone on the roof of my mom's car and it fell off and broke.
Ghost17088: Why do you have a phone if you aren't old enough to drive?
[deleted]: Maybe he does things other than sit on reddit all day, creating a need for convenient communication. Or he has a social life. I'm guessing you have neither.
Ghost17088: No, I'm just saying I didn't have a cell phone until I was driving. Up until then, I got on my bike and rode to a friends house, or used this thing called a land line. Believe it or not, kids used to survive without cell phones. No cell phone does not mean no social life. And you'll be shocked to learn that they are not a necessity.
MistressMary: Maybe when the majority of houses still had land lines that was a feasible solution, but not anymore. No cell phone til 16 in today's world would not be a good thing.
Ghost17088: Its scary that people are so dependent on technology that they actually believe a cell phone is a necessity.
likdisifucryeverytym: Its not necessary, but neither is a tv, neither is a couch, neither is triple ply toilet paper, but people have and will continue to use it.
Its because now everybody has a way of contacting each other, and if the technology is available, why shouldn't people be able to use it?
Also, not having a phone until you can drive is stupid. The responsibilty of driving is equal to that of making a phone call? Besiddes, some people live in cities, so getting a car immediately isnt always the best option. I didnt get my licene until I was 19, i took the bus, rode my bike and mooched rides, and by having a phone, it maded doing all of those things easier.
Ghost17088: I got a phone because of the potential to have car trouble and my parents not wanting me to be stranded. Up until then, I used pay phones. I still use single ply toilet paper. I didn't get internet until I was a freshman in hih shool. Call me crazy, but technology is given too much importance.
| 8 | 2.875 | |
1355532272 | 1355554239 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | trowing: TIFU by rereading contest details.
I recently submitted a contest entry for my university's writing contest. I was super confident with my entry, since I put one semester of gut-wrenching hard work and time into my contest submission. I fucking handed in my work with a stupid grin plastered on my face.
Until I reread the contest guidelines today.
Looks like mysterious lack of page numbers is going to disqualify me.
Ahhh dammit.
belhock: You mean you fucked up by not rereading the contest details?
trowing: I guess I choose happy ignorance at this stage of the game of life.
darthelmo: So... Denial, then.
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1355530955 | 1355584445 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | UnknownFear: TIFU by accidentally downloading a whole album on Xbox Music and slowing my computer :(
So I signed up for the monthly-subscription for Xbox Music cause I wanted another way to download songs and stuff. I went onto it to see where I go to download songs, but couldn't seem to find it. I than noticed a Add to My Music button and, thinking it was just going to download one song, downloads a whole album of 37 songs! Needless to say, my computer is running pretty slow for the time being till all the songs are done. Is there any way of cancelling the downloads?
[deleted]: Just go into the downloads part of it and hit cancel. I've done this multiple times.
UnknownFear: I couldn't get into it when I tried as it was downloading so many, it was ridiculously slow.
[deleted]: Dang, you did fuck up. I guess just was for it to download and then delete the songs.
| 4 | 1 | |
1355553082 | 1355591838 | null | t5_2to41 | 753 | Cheezit_fucker: TIFU by not looking when I sat down on a toilet
Normally, I pee on a pretty consistent basis: before I have to leave, when I know there is not going to be a bathroom, or if I just feel that my bladder is semi full. With finals this week, I have forgotten to eat, bathe and yes, even pee regularly. Today, during my final, I realized I had forgotten to pee beforehand. By the time I finished, I felt like I could replenish Niagara Falls if it were ever empty.
I raced to the bathroom down the hall and, in addition to a crippling need to relieve myself I also had only got 3 hours of sleep, immediately sat down on the seat without looking. There was never a better feeling until I felt something tickle me down there. I figured it was strange and shrugged it off until I felt more tingly sensations. I immediately got up and saw hundreds and hundreds of ants climbing around,inside and on top of the toilet. Horrified, I quickly wiped my front making sure I got all the ants out, washed my hands and booked it out of there.
I started walking home, absolutely grossed out that this happened when I felt more things crawling down there. I awkwardly waddled to a secluded alleyway and proceeded to repeatedly hit my genitals to kill the ants and after, scoop them out when they were killed. Unbeknownst to me, there was a hobo sifting through garbage witnessing the whole thing. Without saying a word, I left.
**TLDR: Literally had ants in my pants**
darthelmo: Expected quite a different tale. BUT...you didn't shit yourself. Not that anyone would blame you under those circumstances.
adremeaux: I figured the tickling on his leg would be his pee stream because his thinger didn't make it all the way into the toilet and he was pissing all over the floor. I did that once.
Cheezit_fucker: I'm a she. Girls normally sit down when they pee.
adremeaux: Oh... well, I'm sure if you really worked at it you could find a way to pee on your leg while sitting down. Dream big.
Ronry: I have a female body. I've done it before.
| 6 | 125.5 | |
1355561860 | 1355648864 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | Downvotes_turn_me_on: TIFU by driving over two dogs on my way home.
The roads were somewhat snowy on that highway. As I was rounding a corner going about 60 mph, I immediately saw a dog standing in the road. Keep in mind that this was at night, and it was very dark. Once I saw the dog I only had seconds to react, so I tried to swerve to the right, but the dog ended up walking right into me. Lo and behold, there was another dog standing right behind that one, so I ended up driving over both of these big dogs. They looked like border collies. Totally smashed up the front of my car, and I only have liability insurance, so I'm fucked for the time being.
TL/DR: Drove over two dogs, smashed up my car. Didn't go check to see that the dogs were totally dead either.
perseus13: That's really sad. If you had gone and checked though, what would you have done?
Downvotes_turn_me_on: I... I don't know, cut their throats to end any suffering I suppose?
And I agree.
perseus13: I don't blame you for not turning back. pretty traumatic experience that would be hard to rationalize the correct/moral thing to do at the time. I'd like to believe I could kill an animal so personified and connected to our species out of mercy, but fuck. Sorry you had to experience this.
Downvotes_turn_me_on: Thanks, I do appreciate the words.
| 5 | 0.6 | |
1355579246 | 1355580137 | null | t5_2to41 | 3 | engine_joe: TIFU by downloading over 7 gigs on What.cd upon joining.
Got an invitation from a friend recently and was searching for torrents that would help me get my ratio up. But ended up downloading a 7.07 Gig torrent of e-learning that I am sure nobody else is going to leech anytime soon. On ratio watch now :-(
atomnuker: You got to keep on seeding everything you download in the start. Or upload something worthy of snatches. If you keep seeding everything you download you'll never go on ratio watch.
However, seeing as you didn't go through the interview process, I doubt that you even know what LAME stands for. Please, don't be ignorant just because you recieved an invite from a friend, go and read about encoding and all the stuff you needed to know for an interview. You'll end up contributing and one day you might end up in the mysterius place called the power user forum.
engine_joe: Yes, thankfully I use a seedbox so I seed 24*7 what I download on all trackers. Not too sure if I will be able to upload much though. Hopefully this should make me stay afloat. Had read up about encoding but not sure if I'll be able to upload much as of now. Hopefully, in the near future.
| 3 | 1 | |
1355579948 | 1355757736 | null | t5_2to41 | 200 | burnafterreading91: TIFU by accidentally drinking someone else's 3 day old dip spit.
I was in the car having a coughing fit, so I reach back for heavenly relief from my water bottle. Unknown to me at the time, my best friend left his dip bottle containing spit/chewing tobacco in my car 3 days prior to this incident. This bottle happened to be identical to my water bottle. So I take a huge swig without looking at the bottle's contents...and it was not water as expected.
My first thought was to spit it out everywhere, but I was driving and would have fucked up the inside of my car reeeal bad. So I had no choice but to hold this vile shit in my mouth while simultaneously trying to decide what to do and resist the strong urge to puke everywhere. I finally was able to spit it back into the original bottle, and take a swig of my actual water. For those 30 seconds I had it in my mouth though, I thought it was the end for me.
TL;DR: always check what's in your bottle before taking a swig. Someone else's 3 day old spit/dip concoction is gross as fuck.
TreeLove520: As a dipper who's done this before, I formally apologize on behalf of all dippers.
grizzlymann: Same here. I try to always use soda/beer cans and put a few good dents in them so people are less likely to pick up and drink from a mangled can.
TreeLove520: I tend to use a Dr. Pepper bottle. Good size, good capacity, and the people around me always notice me spitting in it. They learn to avoid Dr. Pepper bottles around me. Although, my 5 year old cousin almost drank my spit bottle once... Barely stopped him. He was very confused as to why he couldn't have any of my Dr. Pepper...
gth68: I always use a water bottle. Don't know who would try brown water.
TreeLove520: This right here, is a smart man. Also, there's a subreddit for dip!
Johngazm: What is it?
TreeLove520: [r/dippingtobacco](http://reddit.com/r/dippingtobacco)
808ar15: Damn you. As an ex-dipper, I suddenly have the urge to get a tin....must..not...give..in.
TreeLove520: Stay strong man, stay strong! Or, you know, don't, because its great...
| 10 | 20 | |
1355585525 | 1355786954 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | ashamed_throwaway01: TIFU by vomiting in a movie theater
Actually happened last night but I am now finally conscious enough to type. I am going out to see the Hobbit with a few friends. It's night and I haven't eaten since breakfast. Before the movies we go to a bar where I drink about 7 beers.
I make the horrible decision that I am not drunk enough yet. We go back to my apartment where I do shots with various people. I do 4 in under 30 minutes. Now it's time for the movie. I continue my fuck up by deciding to sneak in a pint of vodka and dump about half of it in my theater drink. I quickly chug quite a bit of it and then the drunk hits me all at once. I realize Biblo Baggins head is doubling and I can't see straight. I begin to feel sick and make a run for the bathroom. I don't make it. I throw up in the dark hall leaving the theater. Get to the bathroom and throw up several more times.
After a while I think I am going to be okay. I get up and go back into the movie. I have somehow managed to keep the vomit off my clothes up to this point. I have still have double vision. Make it through about 30 more minutes of the movie and feel the urge to vomit again. I only manage to stand up this time and then vomit all over the floor in my aisle and my clothes because I turned my head to avoid hitting my friends or any other people with the spray.
I go back to the bathroom, throw up some more, attempt to clean myself up, and eventually admit defeat and call my roommate to come pick me up. I continued vomiting after I got home. Woke up this morning to find my friends dropped off my cup of mello yello and vodka. It is sitting on my kitchen counter now making me feel nauseous again. I feel terrible. I paid for a movie and snacks and then became a fountain of vomit. Didn't get to really watch the movie myself and probably ruined most of it for my friends. Not to mention the horrible mess I left for the theater workers.
tl;dr: drank way too much on an empty stomach, threw up beer, vodka, and popcorn all over myself and the theater floor, and had to leave after seeing maybe 1/3 of the movie
[deleted]: Was this in Tennessee? Because a dude threw up next to me last night in a scenario very similar to this.
butbossitsSFW: ooohohhoooh! i really hope OP delivers on this one!
either he does, or far too many people forgot that the preferred party favor for all films shire related is obviously a tasty edible.
eman462: DELIVER DAMIT DELIVER
Airob: Where is OP? DELIVER!
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1355566415 | 1355602681 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | [deleted]: TIFU by waxing my nose hair
I have a date today, and also some bushy nostrils so I waxed them as I have done before.
I nearly cried as usual when I pulled the hair out but then just went about my day - Cutting my hair, washing my car, getting ready to take a girl out for lunch.
I ran out of cigarettes so walked to the shop which is owned by a religious Indian family, nice people and nice to talk to. The woman in the shop is normally quite friendly and chatty but today she looked pissed off and wouldn't really look at me. Weird.
I got home and showered and felt something in my nose so I thought I'd missed a hair or something. When I checked in the mirror I noticed that i had bits of white wax in my nostril which highly resembled coke or some other narcotic.
Now I understand why the woman looked so pissed off. Now I can either have her believe that I'm a hardcore coke addict or explain that I wax my nostril hair....I think it's time to move.
TLDR; The nice Indian lady in the shop thinks I'm a coke head :(
**Edit** - For anyone interested, [this](http://www.nads.com/face/nads-nose-wax) is the stuff and it works wonders :)
dshaw8772: I think the obvious choice is saying you wax your nose hair.
[deleted]: Lasts longer than trimming bro.
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