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1365884254 | 1365903581 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | [deleted]: TIFU by driving under the influence of alcohol and copious amounts of Valium.
The night started off normal. I took a Valium or two to with a beer to calm my nerves and then took a shower (of course bringing another beer with me). I went to a Mexican restaurant with my friend tipsy but still okay. I drank a giant margerita with my burrito. At this point I probably shouldn't have been driving. So we went back to his place with the intent to play Minecraft until sunrise, but then I got this itch for adventure. So I swallowed another Valium and left for the strip joint. I hit some construction signs along the way but thought what the hell, I'm halfway there, and the damage seems to be cosmetic (It's actually not, I am now minus a turn signal).
At the strip joint I grab a lapdance from the nearest goddess and spend the next hour or so talking and drinking with her. Turns out we're second cousins, only related through marriage. Phew. Small world! At this point I'm seeing double so I decide to call it a night. Usually I can drive in any condition, but seeing double made things tricky, especially when trying to read a gps.
After a particularly telling swerve, the blue and red lights lit up the interior of my car. I was questioned, given a field sobriety test, and eventually a breathalyzer. I blew 0.082, which is technically grounds for a DUI charge. However, the nice officer said, by the time we would get to the station I would blow under 0.08, so he let me park my car in a nearby churches lot and call my dad to pick me up. Before he left, he gave me an ordnance violation for "improper lane usage". I'm the kind of person to sing along to Fuck the Police when it's on the radio, but after last night, I may hesitate. This cop could have put a felony conviction on my record, towed my car, and thrown me in jail. Thank you officer Friendly for not doing that, and I'm sorry to say that I deceived you: I had in fact already caused damage to property that night, luckily for me you approached at an angle that left the damage to my car out of sight.
Today, as I awoke, the reality of my situation sank in. I was at home on the couch, my parents were aware of my stupidity, and my car was in the next city. Instead of letting my stupid, selfish actions affect one more person, I decided to ride my brothers bicycle over to my car instead of bothering anyone for a ride. As a heavy smoker and a sedentary frequent customer of Taco Bell, this three mile bike ride took its toll on me. I did this to myself, I thought as I rode, and I deserve the discomfort this undersized bicycle, long and often uphill ride, and lack of stamina causes me. It could have been much worse.
I promise you, officer Friendly, Mom, Dad, and everyone else that I will never drive under the influence again.
Octopus_Tetris: Don't even need to read the text, the title says it all: You're a fucktard. And a dangerous one at that.
parser101: came here to say this. OP is an asshole.
blackgirlsaremean: I deserve this comment.
parser101: while your actions were irresponsible it was harsh. Based on what you wrote it seems like you are abusing the valium. I was also harsh because you reminded me of someone I know. That person also drinks and does lots of valium last time I spoke to her she had just had an abortion that morning after, breaking up with and not discussing the abortion with her ex, and was high on cocaine. Try and get some help if you can't do things without the valium maybe you should consider stopping.
blackgirlsaremean: I'll admit that I am an addict. There's a drug shaped hole in my soul.
parser101: The Human body is an amazing thing the brain of a heroin addict can recover and you can certainly overcome this. While it wont be easy it will be worth it. Mental Health is a day to day battle the best advice I can offer you is DO NOT isolate yourself. Try to find a close friend or go a support group for addicts. Don't write off a support group because you dont buy into their entire philosophy the real value of the groups is being with other people who understand what you are going through so their is no shame in talking about your problems with them. I wish you the best of luck. While I am not a religious person I think the serenity prayer is something everyone should hear. [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/Jf5OS7Z.jpg?1)
| 7 | 12.714286 | |
1365886207 | 1366001528 | null | t5_2to41 | 903 | [deleted]: TIFU...Lots...
Today wasn't my best day...
**FU1 The bleeding forest**:
I'm done school now and just need to finish my final exams. Today, I was planning on having my girlfriend over. I showered and shaved using my DE razor. No nicks or anything (thanks /r/wicked_edge!) I looked for my electric razor so I could shave my, ahem other areas. I found the razor but it was dead and the charger wasn't with it. In my idiocy I thought I could shave "down-there" with my DE razor. I lathered up and prepared for the first stroke. The first few runs went fine but I eventually nicked myself near the base of my manhood and it started to bleed. Fuck, no biggie I'll go find my alum block (it is a block used to stop the bleeding if you ever nick yourself). Well, the alum block wasn't good enough. It bled and bled and bled for like 5 minutes and I honestly thought I had amputated my penis or something. When the bleeding stopped I cleaned up what looked like a crime scene and went on with my day
TL;DR: Cut the grass with a chainsaw.
**FU2 Red Eye**:
My girlfriend comes over and after a quick meal we get down to business. She decides to go down on me and i have no objections. The issue was, I guess the friction from her mouth popped a seal and I began to bleed again. I noticed when I looked down and saw her lips were red. "uh, you have something on your lip". She looks down and lets me out of her mouth and a string of bloody precum goes from the tip of my dinky to her mouth. We both freak out and she ends up throwing up a little bit on my carpet...
TL;DR bloody blowjobs
**FU3 Need to cut down a tree? Burn down the forest**
I run upstairs to see if I can find anything to clean up the mess. I'm still half naked and not thinking clearly. I get some towels and run back downstairs and just start wiping...It made it worse. I now have a huge brown smelly spot on my basement carpet.
The best part of all this? My parents come home like 15 minutes after that point and my mom walks downstairs and see me (fully clothed at this point) vigorously cleaning a giant brown/bloody precummy spot on the carpet and freak out.
I now have to pay for the steam-cleaning bill.
TL;DR beans on toast.
law18: If you are a reader of wicked edge you should probably know this already, but, [stypic is used to stop bleeding and alum is used for skin treatment](http://www.reddit.com/r/wicked_edge/comments/1774zj/alum_v_styptic/)
idefiler6: Yeah, you picked up on the major flaw too? Guess he didn't /r/wicked_edge nearly as much as he'd like to think.
iama_XXL: I picked up on that as well. It's like "yeah, I'm sure it didn't work well, it's not supposed to!"
idefiler6: So pretty much, don't be dragging wicked edge into this!
mmelvis: Man do you make that thread sound pretentious
idefiler6: wat
| 7 | 129 | |
1365891981 | 1366044004 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | [deleted]: TIFU by closing the trunk..
We went to buy some groceries last night. When we got home, we took all the bags out of the trunk. She grabbed the last bag and looked ready to head in. There was a car idling behind some of the parking stall spaces the entire time with the lights on. Curious, I looked over at them as I closed the trunk.
I heard a thump followed by her crying. While I was looking away she went back into the trunk for something.. Nailed her right in the head with it.
Since then, in addition to the splitting headache she's had, she has reported feeling nauesous. I worry that she may have a concussion and I feel absolutely terrible about this :(
Labyrinth666: Who is "she" and "we"?
FrostySack: I know right? Serious misuse of pronouns going on here.
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1365897823 | 1365919040 | null | t5_2to41 | 281 | sorryemporioarmani: TIFU by soiling a pair of expensive underwear and leggings.
Sorry for whoever has to reset the counter for how many days we can go without one of us shitting ourselves. I never thought it would happen to me.
I was feeling in a shitty mood today, I was hungover and smoked a lot of weed last night. I was really hungry and wanted food but I was too tired to cook. A magnificent idea came to me-- let me to go the local 24/7 deli that serves amazing sandwiches! Hmm. What to get. Waffle fries with honey mustard. And a sandwich-- chicken cutlet, swiss cheese, onion rings, barbecue sauce on a hero that's been toasted with garlic butter. Yummmm right?
My stomach didn't think so. I immediately had these terrible pangs in my abdomen. I used the bathroom, but nothing. Maybe it was just gas.
Oh was I wrong.
See, in a matter of 10 minutes 3 firetrucks made their way to my block. They busted open a hydrant, and all of the other neighbors like us, who didn't have a clear line of sight to what the fuck was going on down the block from their windows, got out of their houses.
I was standing by my doorway when I felt this whirring in my stomach.
WAS IT GAS? This was going to smell so fucking bad for how much it hurt.
I thought it was going to be a fart. But no. My no-no spot exploded. And I felt it. Immeditely all I could think to do was unzip my leggings before they would be soiled. I had them unbuttoned and unzipped around my hips.
It was like my stomach giving me the biggest fuck you ever. Like hey you didn't just take a nice long shower, no definitely not. You didn't get all pretty for your boyfriend, fuck him. You know what you're going to be doing tonight? You're going to be washing YELLOW DIARRHEA out of your fucking emporio armani underwear and your diesel jeggings. And why? Because fuck you, I'm a princess bitch, I get what I want.
Then an obstacle, that could have ONLY spawned from the very depths of hell revealed itself: my staircase.
I was holding in the rest of what ungodly matter was dying to escape my body with all the muscles I had, while at the same time, I was hopping up the stairs. You can see where this can go bad, because I missed a step and tripped.
I can't even explain what happened because at the moment I'm trying to repress what the fuck just happened.
Long story short, I'm cleaning shitpiss off of my staircase.
My boyfriend is going to be here in less than a half hour and it smells terrible. I don't even.. Fuck.
TLDR; ate food that didn't agree with stomach, tripped and had diarrhea all over staircase.
NLHNTR: If he notices the smell in the stairwell and asks, you stepped in dog shit out in the street and tracked it inside before you noticed. People should really pick up after their dogs, it's disgusting.......
pancakehiatt: No, do this instead. Look him dead in the eye and say "don't easy at the deli".
| 3 | 93.666667 | |
1365898665 | 1365982501 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | Illyich: TIFU by agreeing to do the pledge
If you're in America, you've said the pledge of allegiance countless times because of school. If you're like I was in high school, you thought you were real cool expressing your right to not say the pledge like the other countless sheep. Lo and behold, several years, maturity, and some responsibility later, I'm asked to recite the pledge on mic in front of a crowd made up of veterans, and a number of older people who have almost all had some connection to the military, and that I respect.
And thanks to my years of being way too cool, I fuck up saying the pledge >.>
little_devil_girl: Since the pledge has been banned from school I hardly remember it.... I'm a first year college student I try to say it but start saying the Preamble instead. I can't believe I've forgotten it.... Last time I said it in school I was in 5th grade..... O.o
periodotot: Our middle school says the pledge D: all you do in the marines is kill innocent people.
rage56: Or protect your country....
periodotot: Our country should rot. Most of us are fat slugs. Pointlessly fat slugs. With guns that can kill 30 children in under a minute.
Illyich: Be gone with you, troll.
periodotot: No really. Im serious. Fuck america. We're just fat ugly slugs that ruin the world.
Illyich: Then in 4 years when you're 18, please leave.
periodotot: Sounds like a plan to me!
| 9 | 2.222222 | |
1365890240 | 1365954169 | null | t5_2to41 | 40 | axnymphetamine: TIFU By doing the hair flippy thingy. I only gave my self terrible whiplash..
Feeding my one month old daughter and my hair falls into my face. I try to do the hair flippy thingy, where you 'flick' your neck quickly, to get it out of my eyes. I now have terrible whiplash and cannot look down at my daughter when she sits in my lap. She's getting grumpy because she thinks I'm not paying attention to her.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: "I whip my hair back and forth!"
thejellythatwobbled: "I whip my hair back and fo-"
***CRACK***
| 3 | 13.333333 | |
1365907041 | 1365907590 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | LemonyLollipop: TIFU and dozed off for ONE SECOND while driving
Album http://imgur.com/a/VjBZf
So im driving home from work, get withing one minute of my house, and promptly doze off and drive off the road. My truck then answers the call of the wild and becomes friends with a tree stump causing my truck to spin, flip and smash into a tree.
Zavager: how the fuck does one fall asleep while driving
LemonyLollipop: it wasnt really falling asleep i didnt even close my eyes... my brain just sorta... stopped
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1365901336 | 1367100794 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | stormtide311: TIFU by getting a boner at the park with my gf.
A very busy park lol. I was with my gf whom I havent seen in two weeks since shes been out of town. Well she was very touchy/feely on me just kissing and hugging me when sure enough mr.wood made his appearance. I was wearing basket ball shorts and I am sure a lot of people saw me clearly with a hard on.
Its a children's park...tons of kids around.
UGH.
FrostySack: Why were you getting it on in a kids park?
stormtide311: I wasnt getting it on at all. I hugged and kissed her.
FrostySack: Ah I see. Well the makeout boner is a common and scientifically studied phenomenon. Your girlfriend should be flattered that she is so hot you can't control your dick around her (use that line, 60% of the time it works every time). As long as there weren't any undercover cops around and you weren't staring through binoculars at little kids, no harm, no foul friend. Now go get to using the aforementioned boner.
stormtide311: damn man...you got me.
Marc_Vesper: His name is FrostySack.
(is confused.)
| 6 | 1.833333 | |
1365915202 | 1365922698 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | [deleted]: TIFU by having to go to the bathroom during school.
I was in class and I really needed to use the restroom suddenly. Normally I don't go in public restrooms as I'm incredibly pee-shy, but this was an emergency.
I ran into one of the stalls, whipped my dinglehopper out and went to town. In my haste, I had completely forgotten about the extra-long shirt I was wearing and it got in the way of my piss-stream. Urine went everywhere but the toilet. The bottom half of my shirt was soaked in my juices and there was a river of pee all over the floor.
I tried to clean up my mess using toilet paper, but all it did was push some of it into the other stall. I gave up, tucked my shirt in as best as I could and made a beeline across campus to my car, and prayed that no one noticed the smell.
And the worst part of it all? It happened in the handicap stall. Now I picture some poor college kid dipping his crutches in my liquid golden shame, slipping and sliding like Bambi when he first stepped onto the ice.
silverlara: Didn't you just post this as a comment in the AskReddit on front page...?
Easiness10: [Here it is](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1calkd/whats_the_most_shameful_thing_youve_done_recently/c9epcz5)
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1365922679 | 1365966702 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | josh_legs: TIFU by shooting a nail from a nail gun into my hand
Yeah, that just happened a couple hours ago. Me and some coworkers are building a tank stand for a 120 gallon fish tank (it will be a saltwater). So I was busy slapping stuff together (link : http://imgur.com/a/ATTIB ). I was working on the door, using a brad nailer to nail some 1x2's together. It was late and i was getting tired, so i was getting off with my nailing. Put a couple nails in and had to take them out cuz they were way off. Well, I didnt take one of them out, and tried putting another nail too close to it. Instead, the nail went into the same hole, ricocheted off the nail that was already there, and hit my hand several feet away (at what I thought was a safe distance away).
Fortunately it was a small nail, and only got embedded slightly. Friend pulled it out and it only bled a little, so we cleaned it off and stuck some neosporin on it. I'm hittin up the doc tomorrow to get a tetanus shot. Pic here (it's SFW, only little tiny hole): http://imgur.com/g5ctk4G ... it's the little pink dot. Sorry for the blurriness
MrKarnack: Why even post this? TIFU and got a scratch.
dukeofdan: I was hoping to see a nail through a hand today.
FrostySack: Thought I would too. I was very disappointed. If it just happened a few hours ago, it should still be bleeding. If it isn't, it is just a mere flesh wound and has no business here.
| 4 | 0.25 | |
1365936871 | 1366077301 | null | t5_2to41 | 169 | Erik007: TIFU by trying to show my wife the biggest poop I ever created...
The last two or three days I had been constipated because of a new medication by doctor prescribed me. I literally did not go shit for three days, finally when I did; it felt as though I was giving birth to something horrifically unpleasant. As it was slowly inching through my intestines, I was slightly tearing because it hurt so much. I grabbed the sink for support as I was muttering out comments in agony as the turd slid into the toilet. Curious of what a three-day-old turd looked like, I looked down and saw the biggest, thickest crap I ever seen. I am not a shit cones-sour or make it a habit to look at my friends shit, but you do see your own shit and occasionally shits in public toilets that idiots forgot to flush. The length, girth and the fact in was in a solid piece and did not look too disgusting made me want to share this specimen with my wife. My wife I thought could appreciate the humor. It looked like a large cucumber and went into the area of the bowl where the water drains out and reached up on the sides of the bowl. For some reason I was proud in an odd way and amazed at this piece of shit. Initially I wanted to take a picture of it (which is disgusting, I know.) What was more intriguing is the lack of residual shit to clean. I really did not need to wipe because it tapered at the end very neatly. I wiped once and there was almost no poop on the toilet paper.
We have a two year old whom we are starting to potty train and have seen many, many types of shit. From the creamy, rancid poop to nice little nuggets and probably parents most appreciated the nice tapered one wipers that collect in our son's diaper. Every changing is a new surprise. Therefore, we can appreciate and identify a “nice piece of shit.” I repeatedly called my wife to see the crap I refused to flush. I knew she was reluctant to come into the bathroom after the noises that I made while I was in there. As I mentioned we are starting to potty train our son, so his mini toilet is in the bathroom also. Usually when I go to the restroom I bring him in to show how to use the toilet, standing up and sitting down (when sitting down, it's very brief and quick nothing like this situation) and explain to him what I am doing. Usually mommy is in there when he tries so all three of us have been in there after I use the bathroom. My wife finally comes in and I proudly show her my shit. She looks at it and is disgusted, says, “Oh my god that's disgusting. Flush the fucking thing.” Then our son comes running in as if it was a potty training session, my wife is still looking at the piece of shit in the bowl, which caught the attention of my son. I guess he was impressed also because he grabbed the piece of shit from the bowl and it broke in two so it could flush down the toilet.
His face said it all; he was so proud to help Daddy and had the hugest smile. While having Daddy's shit all over his fingers, we literally stood there in shock for a second or two and then immediately washed his hands.
TIFU thinking I was the shit, with the “Daddy” piece of shit. While my son grabs Daddy's piece of shit, and it breaks in his little hand thinking it was a potty training session. It was a shitty lesson learned, but my wife and I cracked up for a while after. I know its sick bathroom humor, but a close family could maybe appreciate the irony in it, especially those with children and diaper changing experience.
hissxywife: Do you normally grab his poo and break it up? lol.
norseburrito: You don't?
hissxywife: ok, you got me... it's a secret fetish of mine
| 4 | 42.25 | |
1365948982 | 1365979907 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | themeowzart: TIFU by trying to see the aurora borealis.
Last night I heard that the northern lights would be visible in my area. I thought it would be fun to sit outside and have some wine with my best friend. I'm currently dogsitting for a family friend who has a nice place in the middle of nowhere--perfect for viewing the sky. Dropped our shit off inside, let the dogs out, and set up our blankets out in the yard.
After quite a lot of wine (around midnight), we both needed to use the bathroom. Went to open the door...and it wouldn't budge. Thinking maybe it was just stuck, my drunk ass decided to slam my shoulder into the door. That didn't do it. Then I looked in the window and realized the dogs had jumped up, being so excited that we were coming inside, and locked the door. No problem I'll just grab the...
...keys that I left in the guest bedroom inside.
Fuck.
Tried all the windows. Didn't work. Called multiple friends in the area to ask for help. Best response was "Sorry we just got to the bar...but good luck".
Gotta solve the problem of our full bladders. Oh, what's that? Both of us have our periods? Tampons are inside.
Without a coat in the cold, hungry as hell, and needing some sanitary supplies we made the decision to drive back to her apartment (about 35 minutes away). Yes we were both a bit drunk. I would not do this normally. We were very careful and got to her place without incident.
Just woke up. Gotta find a locksmith. Hungover as hell.
**TL;DR: Dogs lock drunk girls out of the house after midnight.**
TheinsanegamerN: just throw in some vomit in here somewhere and you have pretty much covered every base in TIFU
Is_bad_with_names: Nope nobody shit themselves
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1365912299 | 1365958754 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | eman201: TIFU by thinks I broke my computer.
Hey all.
So today I was trying to update my Java on my Windows 7 computer. I screwed it up without knowing. Later that day my little brother tried to play Minecraft. Something pops up saying "couldn't locate Java" blah blah blah. I, instinctively, reboot the computer. Just in the beginning process of booting up i get the black screen saying "BOOTMGR is missing
Press CTL + ALT + DEL to continue"
So I did. Same thing pops up.
I soon realised that when my dad gets back I'm in deep doo-doo. I think of how I'm going to fix this. It comes to me. I went out and bought his favourite candy (Whoopers) and wrote his a 2 page appology. When he gets home he reads the letter. Asked what happened, I explained and showed him. He just simplied unplugged an external hard drive and the computer rebooted with no problem.
I'm clearly not a computer whiz.
Oh well.
Although the Java problem isn't fixed.
TL;DR: I thought I broke the computer. Buy my dad candy and write appology. Dad does a (stupidly) simple fix. I am dumb.
Edit: fixed Whoopees to Whoopers.
TheinsanegamerN: wow...just, wow. how do you manage to break the bootloader by installing java? the installer does everything for you......
eman201: Java didn't break it. I did some research and sometimes if you have an external hard drive plugged in while booting up the computer will try and boot from that and not the internal hard drive
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1365949681 | 1366044449 | null | t5_2to41 | 887 | Bscott411: TIFU: by vomiting on the interstate.
I was at work recently and started feelinging ill. My stomach was really sour so I decided that a pack of peanut butter crackers from the vending machine would help, they were the near neon orange kind. After and hour I wasn't feeling any better so I decided to pack it in and go home. The entrance for the interstate is a ramp that slopes uphill and you have to merge rather quickly without hesitation. So I get up to speed and enter the fray right behind a garbage truck in the right lane. In the left lane is the typical Pennysvania asshole driver that doesn't understand that the left lane is for passing. Right behind me is a woman in a SUV that is riding my ass. The sweet smell of rotting refuse is overwhelming to me. The very next exit is the one I take to get home, I just need to make it another mile. We'll I didn't. I leaned out the window and blew the entire contents of my stomach all over the lady's SUV behind me. Midstream I noticed that it was ompalumpa orange. It covered her entire windshield. To make it worse, she was out of windshield wiper fluid. I watched her in my review view fruitlessly try to wipe off the contents of her windshield. It only smeared it. As I exited I realized she was doing the same... I thought to myself this couldn't be good... She pulls up beside me at the red light. Rolls down her window and I do the same. I prepare for the torrent of obscenity. She looks at me and asks "You alright?" I answer her that I am and that I'm sorry for the mess I made. She looks at her vomit laden windshield and says with a puzzled face "It's orange!" The lights changes and she pulls away to turn at the next street. Somewhere I owe a lady a car wash.
datbonkog: why is it always the orange foods?
dedtigers: Well according to nature, bright colors usually mean DO NO EAT
ExtremelySmallWayne: yeah, like green peppers, orange peppers, red peppers, oranges, green apples, lemons, limes, carrots, eggplant, yellow squash....
IceK1ng: carrots were originally purple, iirc.
ExtremelySmallWayne: bright purple?
IceK1ng: doubt it, most likely a dark purple, but I get your point
ExtremelySmallWayne: i was surprised nobody called me out on eggplant and green peppers being pretty dull colors :) how did they get orange-ified?
IceK1ng: [seems to be a mutation](http://www.carrotmuseum.co.uk/history.html)
| 9 | 98.555556 | |
1365957376 | 1366003612 | null | t5_2to41 | 150 | kdiuro13: TIFU by taking a spill at a wedding.
I recently began working as a waiter at a local banquet hall this month. I had just finished being trained by the other waiters and was ready to begin, though I am not the most graceful person. The owner is a real hard nose, but it is usually no worries as he stays in his office. Today, something possessed him to stand right at the pass and critique EVERYONE as they came and went.
When we serve apps and entrees, we use these really massive trays. Now, I am 5'4'', and these giant trays hang over me like an umbrella and are very difficult for me to carry. Even though I'm new, I fear if I wait at the pass for help from someone else, I'll get chewed out by the owner. As a result, I, the 5'4'' "Macho Man" take the tray with good form (shoulder, hand, stability) out to the dining hall. Now, there is a door to enter the dining room. I push open the door with my shoulder. The door is also too narrow to go through with the tray on my side, so I spin slightly to back my way through the door.
As the cool of the dining room hits me, I take two steps forward to return to my sideways position and carry the tray to the table. I see it now, the stand where I need to put it. It's so close, so close, so............
SMASH CRASH BMDBDJBALKNLD!!!!
4 Filet Mignons, 5 Chicken Francese, a couple of chicken fingers, lots of green beans, some mashed potatoes, and a lemon wedge are now on the floor with me at the bottom. The usual GASP! goes up from* the crowd and the bride puts her hand over her mouth as the other waiters' jaws drop. The new guy has really fucked up. The Maitre d' picks me up from the sopping mess, and has a fire in his eyes which scares the shit out of me. I finish service in a blur while avoiding eye contact for the next six hours. I make $40 in tips, though I think they were sympathy tips mostly. Anyway, as someone like me who hates being front and center, 70 people pointing and gasping while my bosses fume is as close to Armageddon as it can get.
My next shift is on Friday night, and even though I would much sooner walk on broken glass then go back there, I shall return.....hopefully with a greater sense of balance this time. Any waiter horror stories to cheer me up Reddit?
TLDR: Tray goes bang and I go red. Bosses get pissed. FML.
This_better_be_good: I think it shows great personality that you're willing to return to your job with your head high. You go girl!
kdiuro13: I'm a dude but thanks anyway :)
Dogon11: Fabulous!
| 4 | 37.5 | |
1365961870 | 1365988102 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | passionlessfruit: TIFU by getting blackout drunk
I guess this was technically last night. I got incredibly drunk last night, eventually culminating in me passing out in the middle of campus. I woke up getting arrested for underage consumption, and having to spend the night in jail because it was so late and nobody could post bond. After trying to sleep for a while, I got released at around 9:30. The worst part was seeing my mom sobbing her eyes out as my parents picked me up, now I have a court date tomorrow and probably a stain on my record.
Reddit, today I fucked up.
nuahsllim: I take it you are in Merica?
passionlessfruit: Yup, Ohio too which is apparently quite strict with its penalties
DigiDee: Upvote for Ohio. Probably drunk in public, no? That seems to be a biggie.
TheinsanegamerN: also upvote for ohio
| 5 | 11.2 | |
1365964693 | 1365968210 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | [deleted]: TIFU by putting a pair of pliers into my peehole and opening them, ripping peehole in process.
It seems to have fixed itself in three hours. It's still freakishly big though.
FrostySack: I...you...but...inside...what...huh?
TheButtonPusher: Tried urethral sounding, was wondering how far i could open it up.
feelsbadman
FrostySack: Usually when someone references something I haven't heard of, I'll google it but there is no way in the world that in this case my usual MO would result in anything good, is there?
dancing_raptor_jesus: I think it's when you put something down there then jack off. Loads of people say it feels good.
TheButtonPusher: It does.
I went way too far.
| 6 | 1.333333 | |
1365962348 | 1366697373 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | ToniDoubleYou: TIFU making peach cobbler. I used baking soda instead of baking powder (flour.)
I have to stop getting drunk in the kitchen...
EDIT: TIFU twice so far that I know of. As some of you kind folks mentioned, baking powder isn't flour...
Inquebiss: Wait . . . what?
You used baking soda instead of baking powder, but you thought that baking powder was the same as flour?
ToniDoubleYou: Soooo TIL that TIFU more than once.... Jesus...
MarsupialBob: How... how much baking soda did you use?
ToniDoubleYou: 2 cans of peaches and 2 cups of baking soda in a casserole dish with sugar and milk.
MarsupialBob: Holy shit. Do you have photos? I'm not even sure what that would do. Did it start to fizz a bit when you added the baking soda? The peaches and the milk should be slightly acidic, but I don't know if it would be enough to cause a visible reaction.
ToniDoubleYou: Thankfully, it never made it to the oven. When my bf saw what a cluster fuck I was turning the cobbler into he noticed I was using baking soda and stopped me.
blackomegax: good. you probably would have blown the oven up.
| 8 | 2 | |
1365977248 | 1366090307 | null | t5_2to41 | 181 | Jovial_Bison: TIFU by doing someone a favor.
We were hosting a party for a roommate's friend's birthday. I found out about it a week in advance when I was invited to the event on Facebook only to discover she had invited 72 people. I set up some terms saying she had to trim the guest list and people couldn't be too loud seeing as we have a neighbor who's given us police trouble before. I came home from work at 11:30pm to discover 40 hipsters that I didn't know filling my house up. I went to bed since I had to get up at 6:30 the next day, I'm trying to sleep when they decide to have a Britney Spears dance party. I'm soon alerted that the police will be paying us a visit. I try to get people to leave and shut the party down but everyone pleads with me to be less harsh because it's her birthday. At any rate the cops eventually arrive and say that someone underage said they were drinking here so there's their probable cause. Everyone underage gets MIP's while the renters, me and two others are charged with Furnishing Alcohol to Minors, a criminal offense. We didn't provide any booze to them, it was all brought here, not that it matters. I want to be a band director but if this goes through no district will hire me. I'm going to speak to a lawyer soon to see what my options are.
TL;DR: We let someone have a party at our house and got red tagged and had criminal charges brought against us.
SpaceGangsta: That sucks. Furnishing alcohol to minors was a ticket where I went to school. $500 for first offense, $750 for the second, and then it went into the realm of criminal charges.
Ghost17088: Shit, where I went it was $1000 fine and a 1 year suspension of your license.
SpaceGangsta: That's just cruel.
Ghost17088: All it did was ensure that I was good at smuggling contraband and could mark up my prices. Laws are like Darwinism for criminals.
SpaceGangsta: Gotta play the cards you're dealt. I went to a school with a pretty good reputation for being a party school and the police know that. They would usually come by knock and say we will be back in 10 minutes so clear everyone underage out. As long as you weren't a huge asshole and did it you were fine.
Ghost17088: 3 of our state schools are notorius party schools, so that's why our laws are so strict, they are trying to shed that reputation. If they really wanted to do that though, they would just need to raise the minimum age to be in a bar from 19 to 21. It would have a bigger impact than scare tactics.
| 7 | 25.857143 | |
1365983004 | 1365983373 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | midnightbeast: TIFU by talking to a dolphin
This actually happened yesterday but anyway:
I was at sea world and the dolphin started talking to me, attempting to persuade me to dive into the water. I eventually gave in and got arrested.
Never listening to dolphins again.
AnarchicPandas: wut?
midnightbeast: It happens dude, it happens.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1365915399 | 1366924951 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | notmybestday: TIFU by smashing into the neighbors' car.
First some background: My maternal grandfather was killed in a freeway accident 13 years ago, and it rattled my mom. She always needs to know where I am, who I'm with, who's driving.
I am a 16 year old male and I've had my license since August. I live on a hill, two blocks up from the nearest flat street. After a week of being on Spring Break vacation with my family, I was pumped as hell to see my friends again. I started driving down the street, and then took a right turn onto a narrow street. Still going downhill, I looked down for a second to change the music. In this split second:
1. I braked
2. I stayed looking down
3. I heard a loud crash
The crash didn't sound like metal on metal. It sounded like a chandelier had been dropped from a tall building. The car bounced in every direction at once, sending waves of shock through my body. As I braked, I realized something on my car was dragging. The entire front bumper had been lopped off the car, and it was hanging on by just a small part. My mind processed none of these noises and sensations until I stopped the car completely and turned it off. A neighbor (not owner of the car) came outside and I explained the situation. He was friendly and reassuring that everything was going to be okay. I was scared as hell, but surprisingly, I've been more scared. I was more scared, really just scared of my parents, when I got a referral at school as a freshman. Fear might not have been what I was feeling. Embarrassment and shame are two much more accurate words. A minute later, the neighbor who the car belonged to came outside. I know their family. I've babysat their son. They weren't mad. They told me it wasn't a big deal, and the dad said he'd done much worse as a teenager. I called my mom. Me: "Mom, you have to come down the street, I hit the Smiths' car" My mom: "Are you okay? I'll be there in a minute" The neighbors and I stood there for a while longer, when my mom called: Me: "Hello" My mom: "Is it bad?" Me: "Yes" My mom: "Dad's coming" My dad arrived soon and one of the neighbors called a police officer, who took down all of the information and called a tow truck. The neighbors went back inside. Before they went back inside, I heard the dad whose car I had hit talking to my dad. He was saying "Please let notmybestday know that it's really okay, I don't want him to feel awful" I rolled up the windows and the tow truck arrived. My dad and I walked the two blocks up to our house. He said there was a $500 deductible. I said I would pay. When we got home, we went to the kitchen, where my mom was waiting. She asked how I was. I said "ok". My dad got out his phone to show her the picture and I bolted the room. My mom came to talk to me and told me that it scares her. I told her that I know that and I don't want her to be any more scared than she already is. Then my parents went to sleep and I typed this wall of text.
Sliderisk: You suck, how the fuck do crash into a parked car?
It's called situational awareness and object permenance. Look around you constantly while moving and note the stationary objects, now remember they are there while you look elsewhere temporarily. It's how we as a species reached the top of the food chain and it's how I can roll a cig, talk on the phone, and drive a stick all without crashing my car. Maybe you should consider not breeding.
Hypomanic_Poet: It must be really awesome to be as totally perfect as you are!
Sliderisk: I'm far from perfect, I'm just very good at driving and writing with douchey air of superiority.
| 4 | 0.5 | |
1365990593 | 1366063236 | null | t5_2to41 | 391 | SEGnosis: TIFU by writing and submitting a 1,600 word paper when only a 2 paragraph outline was due
PiggyBankofDespair: Clearly you've learned the value of brevity.
TheDogwhistles: >You've learned the value of brevity.
FTFY.
kosure: Brevity: key to wit.
[deleted]: Brevity = wit
Shin-LaC: Brewity.
DrKoolaide: Brit
tmotom: Bit
| 8 | 48.875 | |
1366003338 | 1366156765 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | SkyWarped: TIFU by going to the dentist.
I went to the dentist in basketball shorts thinking nothing of it. Well me being a teenage boy had a single dirty thought for HALF A SECOND, and got rock hard. I don't know if the dentist noticed or not because she was working on my teeth of course, but im almost positive she did. Well this was my first post. Been lurking for a while though.
postoergopostum: Dude that is nothing like a fuck up.
Every single time your penis gets hard, is a positive operational test.
You don't say how old you are, but I can see how many times it's been handled by someone else.
Your penis, when hard, only says positive things about you, both conscious and subliminal. It advertises your health and interest. Over the next few days notice nipples, every girl with bullets is much much much hotter than she is dressed to kill but nipple in. Take care, your dick may be a great wing man, but sleazy pervvy weird guy is his dick's Achilles Heal.
An open smile, willingness to compliment, and your youthful rude good health, you're already cougar bait. To step up to using a net, everytime Mr Stiffy turns up, be embarrassed, sure, but don't forget to say it out loud, say sorry, and make clumsy attempts to hide it.
Here's another secret about your dick. It's least impressive viewed from above. Your dick is at least an inch, and possibly two longer than you realise. If you don't believe me, get it hard and measure length top and bottom.
But the best way to realise how impressive you are needs a big mirror, your top pick 10 second blow porno, & some lube. You probably already realise your stiffy has an A grade game and all games down to the Under 11 D's.
Don't do it until your head and everything is really primed. Don't do it until the day when you're packing MAXMEAT. What you do is get it solid and then Nano seconds before you ruin the new curtains, step up to the mirror and survey the real estate, particularly from the side.
If you wait until the right moment,l nobody else at home, copped a very nice angle on X's knickers riding the bus home, ahh the pubes!! poking out the side!!! That day. You will solve the problem of being embarrassed by your junk once and for all.
The only time you need TIFU for your intruder, is if the hydraulics fail, you act like a douche, or you do stuff with it for which you have not got permission.
alexhart711: This was painfully hard to read.
postoergopostum: That sounds pretty hard, if you take a photo don't send it to girls, they're unimpressed.
alexhart711: .....motherfucker what?!
postoergopostum: Has the pain eased?
That's over an hour now, maybe you should head down to the medical center.
| 6 | 5.333333 | |
1366009166 | 1366065651 | null | t5_2to41 | 152 | TheatreOfDreams: TIFU by celebrating a FIFA goal and breaking my friend's Xbox.
So it's a weekend night and we're having a regular FIFA session on the Xbox 360 before we head out to the bars.
We have invented this creative FIFA drinking game where you play 2v2 and each time a team concedes a goal, both members of that team have to drink a full beer. This includes an extra beer at the end of the game for the losing team.
So I'm on the sticks and it's Barcelona vs Bayern (my team) and we're down 2-1...in the 115th minute (2nd OT). When suddenly, in typical FIFA style, I burst down the right wing, cross the ball in. It lands short, but somehow takes a crazy deflection and bounces closer to the goal. The defender tries to clear it, but I'm jamming the shit out of the kick button. I miss kick it, it hits off the defender, comes back to me and bounces in. The scoreline now read 120th minute, 2-2.
I fucking lose my shit and grab my gaming partner (Since we're playing 2v2). My partner is about 5'2, a nice little Japanese bloke, and I tackle him to the ground in joy, knowing that we've scored an equalizer and prevented ourselves from chugging another beer.
This is when I forgot that I had the wired controller in my hand, causing the Xbox to fall. Next thing I know I hear the Xbox topple and break...essentially leaving us with 3 cases of beer and a blank TV to stare at.
TIFU Reddit and became a huge buzzkill.
EDIT 1: Because a lot of you have wondered why the wired controller's safety thing didn't pop off, here's a pic. Not sure which controller caused the accident, but one didn't have a safety release.
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=330b7tf&s=6
EDIT 2: Because many of you asked about our rules, here they are! This is just my variation, but we believe this provides an ideal drinking balance for 4-8 players. Like I said before, don't be a hero and switch to hard alcohol, this will only ensue in you not leaving the apartment. **You'll be surprised by how much adrenaline is used in this game that makes you think your less drunk.**
http://tinypic.com/r/2qbeuqo/6
doydoy: Here's my rules. Originally from Fifa 12, but easily adaptable to other versions. [rules](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lA6gOplmdPw8k1rQK6Q-m6BwHUfP52TLra5X4CR5vNU/edit?usp=sharing)
HecticHeretic: You are missing the no yelling rule, everytime you moan about the keeper/ref/players/fifa-bias its two fingers. That always gets me a beers worth a match.
doydoy: This will most definitely be added! Officer status is now yours!
HecticHeretic: We also implemented the "designated hitter" one where you say a person before the match and if they score/get carded/ hat trick you drink double its brilliant.
doydoy: That is an amazing idea!
HecticHeretic: Yeah people refuse to let me have Zlatan as the hitter as I can always squeeze a hat trick out of him no matter how bad I play.
doydoy: He is a beast!
| 8 | 19 | |
1366015714 | 1366050255 | null | t5_2to41 | 544 | BaconMcTryhard: TIFU by eating 1.6 litres of ice cream, on my work break.
Basically, i bought a container of Breyers triple chocolate ice cream, and opted to eat all of it in one sitting. I then proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes shitting what seemed to be the entire contents of my bowels throughout the week into the single staff toilet. I did get lucky in the fact that no one else went in there for a while, or i probably would've killed them with the ridiculous stench i left.
KriiLunAus: I have this problem eating one spoon of icecream. Oh the joys of being lactose intolerant. I can't even begin to imagine a whole liter of icecream in my stomach. My ass would be shouting Fus Ro Dah into the toilet like no tomorrow. 0_o
hoorigan512: Depending on how bad you are, you might still be able to eat frozen yogurt.
A small glass of milk murders me, but I downed a pint of frozen yogurt in about 10 minutes last week. It was delicious. No pain. Good, healthy poop. :D
KriiLunAus: Let's just say I'm at the post office waiting in a never ending line to send a fellow Redditor a package, and I do not believe in religious stuff at all, but right now I am praying to every deity out there. Save me Talos!
So I will try your frozen yogurt theory later :)
hoorigan512: Definitely do give it a try, but take it easy. I know everyone's different. I don't want to be the cause for a case of violent, explosive diarrhea. Have some lactase tablets ready or something. ;)
| 5 | 108.8 | |
1366033537 | 1366052067 | null | t5_2to41 | 6 | chaosunicorn: TIFU: by letting my friends play on my PS3 causing one of them them to destroy it after losing (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vn0qysWCeA&feature=youtu.be
.. at 1:23 for the actual action of the video
LucidWindspark: All he did was stomp on the ground..?
chaosunicorn: He actually stomped the playstation killing it off entirely.. Bought me a new one afterwards (fortunately)!
[deleted]: yeah but those game saves!
chaosunicorn: Yeah well. You can't get it all!
But i can play the games to the last saved state again - a video like this is worth all that time imo!
| 5 | 1.2 | |
1366040849 | 1366051024 | null | t5_2to41 | 56 | TranFoTran: TIFU by chugging a gallon of milk
EDIT: This actually happened a while ago, but I wasn't on reddit, so now I'm posting it here
This morning, I decided that I wanted to get buff. I looked up how to gain weight and I found something called GOMAD. It basically said that if I drank a gallon of milk a day, I would gain weight and eventually get buff if I kept exercising. So, that afternoon I followed my mom to Costco and bought 6 gallons of milk. By the time I came home it was 5 PM, so I decided to chug an entire gallon. I found out that I'm quite lactose intolerant. I have taken 9 liquidacious shits in the last 2 hours and not a single one has had ANY solid in it. Its like taking the largest piss ever out of your ass for 2 minutes straight. Every 15 minutes. I have 5 Gallons left. They expire next week.
tekno45: i don't think you're lactose intolerant....you just drank a fuck ton of milk, like an idiot. Your stomach can't really hold that much at once.
TranFoTran: I dont know if you can become lactose intolerant, but now even when I drink just a cup of milk, it doesnt sit well...
tekno45: i don't think it's as severe as if you're born with it. but if i don't have dairy for a week, my stomach feels crappy after 1 cup.
| 4 | 14 | |
1366046786 | 1366146240 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | tamazuru: TIFU by telling a fellow student how to copy&paste.
So basically today I had my first partial exam at biomedical informatics. The test was utterly easy and at some point a fellow student and colleague called my name and asked me: "Dude how do you copy and paste!?" to which I promptly replied: "Like everybody else, Captain Obvious!"- well, right about now the supervisor,whom is a woman, started to notice me and my neighbor. He asked me again and said that he was serious and I told him how to copy and paste, 'cause you know that's what you do when a brother needs help. The moment the words: "CTRL+C" left my lips the supervisor was already behind me, pulled me up and started shouting :"Right now get out! Congratulations you failed your test!". To say I was ~~starstruck~~ surprised^Courtesy ^of ^bearsolenson is an understatement. I tried to reason with her and apologized about 5 times and she still kicked me out. So after 30 secs. the message sinked in, and after laughing my ass off, I do the next logical thing and call my best mate to bitch about what happened. He laughed so hard he dropped the phone and the last thing he said to me was: "Dude this is TIFU material!" Oh, and: "HAH! You`re fucked!". So here I am, sharing this with you guys.
In retrospective the only thing I can say is: http://imgur.com/pS1ad32
[deleted]: > starstruck, adj. completely overawed by someone's celebrity status
is that what you meant?
tamazuru: Urghh. My bad kind Sir. And thank you for correcting me. A bad choice of word. But could I be forgiven if I admit the fact that I live in a country where English is not the first spoken language and that I make mistakes because you know, I`m human? And my English is not as good as I would wish! You have my apologies and thanks.
P.S. I shall proceed to edit my very bad choice of words.
periodotot: Wait, you got in trouble for saying "ctrl+c"?
InfamousDoctor: I don't get it either.
monkey5536: He told the guy who did not know how to copy and paste during a test, or as all schools see it cheating
InfamousDoctor: Oh. Well shit, I can see why that would have been frowned upon then.
| 7 | 1.714286 | |
1366050761 | 1366129330 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | throwayshampoo: TIFU by getting shampoo on my johnson
last night I took a shower and I was shampooing my hair, and some dripped down right on to my stomach and creeped all the way down. I washed myself off (quickly, because I've made this mistake before) and thought everything was fine.
This morning I woke up to go pee and IT BURNED SO BAD. It's like 1000 tiny daggers...
I really gotta pee and now I'm holding it. ow :(
knucklefucker: Once when I was 12 I got a hand job from someone who decided to use Pert Plus instead of lube...due to inexperience.
The next day was hell.
coreclick: *"Once when I was **12**"* Wat
WombatHerder: Yeah seriously, mate what the hell could you even finish?
knucklefucker: I did...couldn't tell if anything came out because we were in the dark. And, shampoo.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1366050949 | 1366237584 | null | t5_2to41 | 180 | asharkey3: How come there hasn't been a "Fuck up of the Week" for a month now?
As the Title says. No winners since March 9th? Just wondering where that went.
[deleted]: Not much worthy fuck ups, only 'I shat myself" posts.
asharkey3: Gotta be a winner though right? Might not be as good as some other weeks but there were posts. Some pretty decent ones too.
[deleted]: >Might not be as good as some other weeks but there were posts.
We're still waiting for that good post.
chuckychub: I thought that worst response to the I love you was pretty funny. No? That's just me? alright ^I'll ^^just^^See^^myself^^out...
[deleted]: It already was fuck up of the week - http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/18spgf/tifu_10_years_ago_by_giving_the_worst_response/
chuckychub: I know, I thought that you were referring to how the fuck up of the week wasn't good. I think I might be wrong, however.
[deleted]: >I think I might be wrong, however.
You're right that you're wrong.
chuckychub: Yay! wait..
| 9 | 20 | |
1366054132 | 1366145428 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | assmangler: Tifu by misusing my toothbrush
I had a party at my dorm last night with a couple of my mates.got shitfaced.threw up.brushed my teeth.dropped my tooth brush on the ground.later on my buddy was throwing up in the bathroom and i thought it would be funny to shove a toothbrush up his ass.now remember i was drunk as hell ,im not gay.Anyways i did it and it was funny as hell.
The next morning i was late to my class so i brought my toothbrush and brushed my teeth on the way.I threw up as soon as i realised it .there i was shit in my mouth puke on my clothes in the doorway of my 150 student class
Tl;dr: used a toothbrush as a in ass prank,forgot to clean it,brushed my teeth
ChrisFRKNRogers: If there was ever an action on this green and beautiful Earth that deserved it's consequence more so than what I've just read, the internet would be disabled indefinitely.
norseburrito: You know, you have been the "Fuck Up Of The Weak" for a month. Thoughts?
ChrisFRKNRogers: I was delighted by the response I received, but I'm really excited to see who usurps my position. I expect great things from the [Target Basket Finger Banger.](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1byfs4/tifu_by_getting_my_finger_stuck_in_a_target/)
norseburrito: I'm glad you're taking the fame with grace, and not letting it go to your head. And what kind of public recognition have you gotten since your achievement?
| 5 | 21 | |
1366056430 | 1366148270 | null | t5_2to41 | 929 | redhottt66: Tifu and fell asleep naked with my kitten in the room...
I usually don't let her sleep in my room but I recently had her fixed. I felt bad and let her climb in bed with me and went to sleep. Next thing I know I am woken up by excruciating pain in my right nipple. She had climbed under the blankets to suckle me. Has anyone else had accidental animal experiences?
jedispyder: I sleep naked every night. Last year when it just started getting warmer, I woke up to the excruciating pain of an ant biting my dick. I've broken 4 bones throughout my life and that was the worst pain I ever had.
redhottt66: Omg that is horrible. See a lot of nasty spider bites in the or. They say we swallow bugs and spiders in our sleep. I really hope not
pilvy: Old wives tale, bugs and spiders wouldn't have made it this far by climbin into things mouths.
EDIT:Tail is not Tale. Thanks PassTheDopamine.
redhottt66: True. They do climb into ears and lay eggs :(
explainittomeplease: Dude! No! Now I can feel it in there!
redhottt66: Sleep with ear plugs and tape your mouth shut.
Protuhj: Better seal your nose as well.. Just to be safe.
redhottt66: To be dead.
Chaosbrae: Better than having bugs in me
Galphanore: Actually, if you're dead you're likely to end up with quite a few bugs in you. Might want to consider being cryonically frozen or shot into space.
Chaosbrae: Oooh, shot into space, I like the sound of that!
Galphanore: Yeah, it's a cool idea. James Doohan (Scotty, from Star Trek) along with a bunch of other people have had some or all of their ashes sent into space.
Chaosbrae: I want my ashes to be turned into a firework. A firework that will be launched all the way into space. A firework that will pierce the heavens. A firework...
*to remember.*
Galphanore: That's deep. I like it.
Chaosbrae: I had the image of an eagle with a single tear rolling down its cheek in my head when I wrote that
| 16 | 58.0625 | |
1366059390 | 1366407191 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | [deleted]: TIFU when I thought that my test was on the last few chapters when it was actually a cumulative final. I failed it and have to take it next semester... for the third time.
Pretty self explanatory... the professor wasn't real clear in class, but low and behold the syllabus clearly states "cumulative" final. I took it last semester and was failing before the withdrawal deadline. It's one of my first major-related classes so it's basically a prerequisite for everything I was going to take in the fall, which also has to be postponed. Today. I. Fucked. Up.
deganator: Probably going to be me with Pre-Calc. I can do it but I never wake up for my 9am class. And if I do its usually 20 degrees and a 20 min walk. Someone tell me Im being a bitch to motivate me
rigor_sos: You're being a little fucking bitch. You know what I did every god damn weekday morning for three fucking years? Stood in my god damn driveway experiencing severe wind, snowstorms, thunderstorms, below zero temperatures, or extremely hot temperatures for at least 15 minutes every morning, then sat on a freezing cold bus for 45 minutes every. fucking. day.
Suck it up and go.
accdodson: That's complete bullshit... or you literally live in hell
| 4 | 5.5 | |
1366062846 | 1366142523 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,355 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting a bj.
A minor fuck up, but one nonetheless.
Happened yesterday. It was my birthday and I went to lunch with the girlfriend (we'll call her L) and her parents after church (her father is a pastor and we live in Georgia, keep that in mind). We decided to meet the parents back at their place after they went to the store. We got back before they did, but L forgot her key to the house. We got down to kissing and I leaned my seat back. L wanted to go down on me but needed to check if the parents were close to getting back or not. They said they were just leaving the store, 20 minutes away. She thought we had enough time so she started going to town. After a couple minutes, contrary to what we had thought, we hear the parents coming down the driveway (it's a decently long driveway). They do manage to see me leaned back and her pop up from my lap, but thankfully nothing else. She starts acting like she dropped something while I fix my pants. We get inside, she runs back out to the car to "find her lost gum", her mom goes off to the restroom and her dad sits down across from me in the living room. He looks over at me and says, "Just so you know, it looks rather suspicious when you're all leaned back like that and L pops up out of your lap. Just thought you should keep that in mind." I said yes sir and that was the end of it.
So thats how I could've potentially been killed on my birthday.
EDIT: Top of /r/TIFU. Thanks, you wonderful bastards. Good thing they don't reddit.
[deleted]: As soon as I saw pastor and Georgia, I knew this was gonna be good.
Hope you're ok
--South Carolina.
dragonite_life: I dunno how to make this sound nice, so I'm gonna just say it:
You live in the most retarded state in the U.S. Have you considered moving?
danny_fiasco: Not even. Go to Alabama or Mississippi or Louisiana and say that same thing. Georgia is one if the best southern states.
dragonite_life: Georgia? Looked like SC to me. And ofc no state wants the rep of being the shittiest, but it's SC without a doubt.
[deleted]: I replied this to bwebb0017 below as well, just to emphasize my point.
You know, this whole thread has disgusted me, and I'm a freakin Northerner. Just so you know, stereotypes are stereotypes, it doesn't matter what state you're stereotyping. As far as I'm concerned, people who say this kind of shit about Southerners are just as bigoted as the people they think they're describing.
dragonite_life: I don't say this shit about *southerners*. I say this about SC in particular, which has an undeniable history of being a piece of shit state, beginning with the first secession in the civil war and ending with a more recent ban on gay marriage.
Technically, I said nothing properly general about the people who live in that state, aside from that they should consider leaving it.[redacted]
[deleted]: ...You do realize that a state is comprised of people, right? "Technically" nothing. Calling someone's home state "retarded" and "shitty" is calling the people who live there the same.
Seriously, what the fuck do you think a state is? It's not like the fucking *dirt* is making decisions.
dragonite_life: OK, fine. I tried to be nice to the residents.
If a state is a representation of it's people, rather than largely the government, then the majority of the people who live in South Carolina suck fucking ass. I said it. Their opinions suck, their laws as representation of those opinions suck...
What about SC redeems them? A good number don't even *want* to be part of the union of which I an calling them the worst.
RoMo37: Like it or not, South Carolina has played an integral part in shaping this country to what it is today. To call us retarded and shitty is an insult to Andrew Jackson, John C. Calhoun, Edward Rutledge, John Rutledge, William Drayton, Francis Marion, Thomas Sumter, and other historical South Carolinians who are rolling in their graves to hear such egregious libel paint a broad brush stroke about the natural, political, economic, and social cultures that give the Palmetto State it's unique background upon the American landscape. Get a clue.
JPMcFefferson: Lets be honest though, andrew jackson was a terrible human being responsible for mass genocide.
turdBouillon: Yeah, but he did it with style.
| 12 | 112.916667 | |
1366065731 | 1366945607 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Troll-bi-wan-kenobi: TIFU by projectile shitting on a bush and a roof
So last night I smoked a couple grams with some friends on the way to another friends house. By the time we got there, the munchies had definitely kicked in so the first thing we did was check my friend's pantry. I found 4 boxes of Oreos so I grabbed a handful. There was a tv in the kitchen and there was a cat so I was more than distracted in my high state. I was so distracted that when I remembered that I was eating I looked down to see that I had gone through two whole boxes (you know the kind with 3 rows and a flap). I was scared that my friend's parents would be mad that I ate half their Oreo stash so I decided it would be a great idea to eat the rest and hide the evidence so I would be innocent. So I grabbed a glass of milk and ate the other two boxes. My stomach was more than rumbling at this point and I knew what was going to follow. I grabbed the 4 boxes and went outside to find a dumpster to free myself from my thieving deed. I found a neighbor's house that had an open dumpster so I ventured down there to throw the boxes away. I threw them in the trash but by then I couldn't hold it any longer. My stomach screamed like a thousand wounded kittens and I sharted. I looked around me and found a suitable bush that I would try to use. I threw down my pants and projectile shat everywhere. The bush was smothered in my fecal orgasm. The smell was so unbearably grotesque that I don't even have a good analogy for it. There was so much sphincter magma covering my ass hair that I realized I had to wipe my ass with my boxers and throw them into the nearby dumpster. When I got back to my friends house they all decided to go to a movie. We met up with my friend who had just got back from GameStop. We were on top of the parking garage roof. If it couldn't get worse my stomach volcano had to erupt again and I couldn't hold it at all so I grabbed my friends GameStop bag, emptied the contents, and filled it anew with the hot liquid that spewed from my orafice. It got all over my hand and the bag and I had no choice but to throw the bag off of the roof and pray it didn't land on anyone. I asked my friends to take me home because I realized my intestines were planning something more explosive than North Korea and I wanted to be in my own bathroom to pull the trigger. Needless to say it was a very shitty night for me.
TL;DR I got so high that I ate 4 boxes of Oreos and released my liquified bowels on a bush and the roof of a parking garage
hackslol: I could sit here and tell you that, as a grown man, I have not ever had a cannon-like geyser of infernally-foul colonic sin spray forth from the depths of my bowels, bombarding and defiling anything and everything within immediate area with a thunderous ass-flapping din, in full public view, while maintaining mutually-apalled eye contact with an elderly man in a canary yellow cardigan.
I could tell you that. But I'd be lying.
HaydenTheFox: Please God post that shit.
hackslol: The tale of the torrential turds merits a long and detailed post. I'm balls deep in finals but I'll write it up on my breaks, keep a look out in a few days.
HaydenTheFox: I'll be waiting with bated breath.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1366065716 | 1366067819 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | Dynomite333: TIFU by exploding a test tube in an 8th grade science class.
I was in 8th grade science class. We are in our chemistry unit and we have to figure out what chemical we have by running tests on it. We were put in groups that we made. The group I am in consists of fairly trusted students; including me. Little did my group know, our chemical was explosive when mixed with glycerin. Each time we go to class, we lubricate our 2-hole test tube caps w/ glycerin. Our teacher advised us to wipe what ever we put though the holes so that we don't contaminate our chemicals. My brain just so happened to think it would be a great idea to use an excess of glycerin for our caps. We had our lab station set up to freeze. I quickly popped the cap onto our chemical and set it in our salt-water bath. A few seconds (I think about 15) a drop of glycerin must have dribbled down our chemical thermometer and mixed into our main chemical. A good sized flame started in the test tube and since our second hole was not big enough to relieve the pressure, it exploded sending glass and chemical everywhere. I received a few shards to the shoulder and lower stomach as well as one to the hip. If I hadn't been wearing goggles I would have gone blind.
-
I am sitting in the hospital writing this. I didn't get into any trouble thankfully. A few other students received about as bad injuries as me.
The chemical was potassium permanganate it reacts to glycerin; I'm a fucking retard, I looked over our previous test data and it should have been really clear to us that it was potassium permanganate.
Murtagg: Who the fuck does this kind of experiment in 8th grade?
Dynomite333: a lot of schools
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1366062061 | 1366209232 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU and am now a wasp's little bitch.
Just a few seconds ago I was opening up my trailer for a concession stand at a local rec center. I noticed a wasp and easily got it to go out the window.
Sure enough there was another one inside the trailer so I grabbed my school folder to kill it with. The wasp kept coming closer and closer to the door and I stepped out to let it free.
It suddenly jolted towards me resulting in me taking a swing at it. I missed, hit my eye with the folder, and my contact lense fell out into the dirt covered ground. I am now half blind all because I was terrified of a wasp.
TL; DR A colony of wasps blinded me and made me a little bitch.
[deleted]: I once kicked a wasp to death in school, I was popular for like a day afterwards.
Bonobo395: I threw a textbook at a hive of bees (it was small) and killed them all. It is now safe to eat outside.
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1366066495 | 1366113836 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | The_R4ke: TIFU by slicing off a dime size piece of my finger tip
I was sitting in my room and was feeling bored, so I decided to start playing with a razor blade for me DE razor. I had already cut a small triangle into a business card and I was going to cut it in half down the center when it slipped and cut off a dime size piece of my left index finger and cut into the middle finger. I cut off a piece of the nail bed too so my nail may grow back fucked up, but doctors were able to clue it back together. This definitely ranks among one of the stupider things I've done in my life. I got some pics on my phone, but I haven't uploaded them yet, I'll update when I do.
trouphaz: I was trying to separate two frozen hamburger patties with a butchers knife by cutting between the two of them while I held them in my hand. For some stupid reason, I was cutting into my hand. They pop apart as I'm pressing the blade into my palm. Luckily, I catch myself as I only cut a small chunk off of the tip of my thumb. We didn't find the chunk until after I returned from the run to the ER. It had a bit of nail on it and it was among the rest of the burget patties that my friends hung back to eat.
The_R4ke: That's pretty intense, I couldn't find my tip either, I saw it, but I didn't grab it, now I'm worried one of the cats got it.
Nihhrt: >couldn't find my tip....one of the cats got it.
Hehe
| 4 | 6.5 | |
1366071177 | 1366072918 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU my virginity nsfw
this was last night but within the last 24 hours.. the most degrading thing ever. So there i am in a girls house who snuck me in and things start to get heated. i was sorta confused at the sex proccess because i have no prrevious knowledge, just porn i guess. she is totaly naked and my pants are around my ankles and i start in missionary then i get tired like 8 minutes in and pull out to go to cowgirl and then........ my ballon defates and i go half chub. i am still in highschool so i was shocked this happend. i should have the vitality of a silverback gorilla. but anyway i became completly embarest and was forced to stop. she tried giving me head to get it back up but nothing worked. eventually i just rolled to my side away from her mind fucking myself into a deep vortex of denial..... wtf..... eventually leaving with the job unfinished
[deleted]: Do. Not. Worry. I could tell you a worse story about my first time.
- Reassure the girl you weren't turned off by her; you are worried about your vitality, she may be worried about her attractiveness to you!
- Chances are there is nothing wrong with your vitality but it was just nerves, perfectly normal, certainily for your first time!
- It will reduce your anxiety (and hers) if you can talk to her about it. Doesn't have to be long or serious! Just a remark like "Well that did not go as I intended!" and perhaps try again later.
- If you're both relaxed about it and aren't trying to force anything in particular to happen, but just take everything as it goes, you will have a much better time.
Relax, read the /r/sex faq, keep talking to her, it'll help.
Enjoy your sexlife!
DustyBum: Now we must now. What is your story?
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1366065226 | 1370934230 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | shinken0: TIFU by peeing in the stall and getting piss water in my eye.
I am a man, and I am a urinal guy. I never use the stall unless a number two or there are no other options. I was tired and stupid and I was playing with my pee like many of us do, and I slightly squatted down to see how low I could go while still peeing in the toilet. I got to about half-way squat with my focused eyes making sure that I was still hitting the target when a small magic bullet drop of piss water splashed me in the eye. Yup, feel pretty stupid.
informationmissing: hahahaha!
shinken0: Still do not feel clean...
informationmissing: Well, unless you're sick, your urine should be sterile, so that's good.
shinken0: It was not so much the urine but rather the stank water that was lurking in the toilet bowl...
informationmissing: Awwww...!!!!!!!!
| 6 | 1.666667 | |
1366075278 | 1366083701 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by leaving my windows down.
It's been pretty hot where I live lately, and getting into my car after it's been sitting in the sun is like crawling into an oven. So yesterday, I left my windows partially unrolled while I was at home, as I was planning to go out for groceries later. Unfortunately, my plans changed and I stayed home. Today, I went out to my car, slightly hurrying so I would not be late, when I noticed my car was slightly yellow. Upon opening the door, I discovered that the interior of my car was likewise covered in a fine, yellow powder. Spring and pollen be damned. I had to ride in my car today, with sneezing and eyes watering the whole time.
msh4k3: thought someone pissed in it...
coveritwithgas: Plants jizzed on it.
| 3 | 11 | |
1366077830 | 1366131711 | null | t5_2to41 | 34 | kronostop: TIFU by not sleeping with a hot girl!
I had only met this girl a few times and thought she was totally hot. She initiates the exchanging of numbers so I decided it is a good enough sign to ask her out for some drinks and dancing. She is down and I of course am stoked. I have really no idea who this girl is at this point as we have maybe had 10 minutes of conversation. Date starts at 9 with some drinks and then I take her to a gay club for dancing. This club is known for being a fun dance club that gets a little out of control once things get going with no judgment befalling anybody. My awkward white boy dancing fits right in! We get there at 10 and NOBODY is even there yet, let alone dancing. So we end up just talking for another hour and a half. Come to find out this girl is actually really smart and funny! We are also starting to get faded. A friend of hers joins us at the club and dancing starts. I am feeling great and dancing with two amazingly hot women. Felt great. As the drinks keep going and the night goes on I start to get wild with my date on the dance floor. I am not sure what constitutes wild for you but for me I have never been so pornographic on a dance floor in public. I was grabbing her ass. I was grabbing her tits. She was getting supper into it and grinding me with so much force that I had to lean forward to support us. All of a sudden it is 2 am and the three of us walk home to my place down the street. All of us were way to drunk to drive. My intent was to sleep with her. That left my mind during the night because I was having so much fun just talking and dancing that I forgot about Sex. Also on the walk home I start to worry about my impending 9 am shift. I was not planning staying until the club closed at 2. When I got us all home I set the girls up with a place to sleep, I had also not anticipated her friend so I thought I was doing the right thing by getting them both set up and comfortable. I head off to my room and think thats that. My date came into my room on her own! She wanted to sleep with me in my bed instead of out in our living room. At this point I Fucked up by inviting her into my bed just to sleep. I realize now the wide open huge opportunity I missed. Like a minute after she gets in the bed she seems all confused. At this point I am just thinking of the 5 hours of sleep I am about to get and that I might still be drunk when I go off to work. She asks me why I asked her out and if this was a “first date.” I kind of just agree not realizing that she was newly single and not looking for a boyfriend, which I just implied was my intention. Two days later I text her to see if she wants to hang out and she lays it out to me that she is not interested in me.
Tl;dr Took a hot girl out that was down to hook up. I enjoyed our time together to much and missed the opportunity.
thejellythatwobbled: Dude, you should ring her and explain the situation to her. You've got nothing to lose, right?
kronostop: Calling her, I feel, would show more interest and take the casual-ness out of a casual hook up. I think she would just want to distance herself more. I fucked up and am trying to learn a lesson from this.
Derpfacewunderkind: Sounds like you have learned the lesson and leveled up. Lol. Good luck mate. Remember, never have regrets only see ways to improve.
*brofist*
| 4 | 8.5 | |
1366083894 | 1366224661 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | minsmcgee: TIFU by trolling craigslist mfw
So today, I'm trolling CL because I haven't had sex in over a year and a half and it's just sort of gives me this weird glimmer of hope, like HEY! There ARE people around you that want to have sex! And yes, I know CL is a big, gross, disgusting trainwreck...that is kind of fun, or funny sometimes.
Anyhow, I open one post and...it's one of my employees. And, his penis. Two penis pictures, and one of his big, smiling face. He even signed the post with his name.
And, I can't tell anyone, because if I did...I would have to explain that I was trolling cl mfw. And now I have to see his big smiling penis face everyday and keep my secret forever. TIFU.
Krac3n: trolling? Sounds like being desperate and cruising for cock.
minsmcgee: emotional phases i have while cruising, or trolling, or whatever:
1. wow! other people DO want to have sex! i'm not alone on this sexless island! THERE IS A BEACON OF LIFE!
2. woah that was gross. that was really, really, gross.
3. I DON'T NEED THIS, I'M FINE. More sexless days, please.
Like a weird mind trick. works. every. time.
Another_Desk_Jockey: You know what would work better? Some dick.
Rayezilla: yeah, there's a weird mind trick amirite
| 5 | 11.4 | |
1366091095 | 1366170682 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | HAND92: TIFU by hot gluing my finger to my lip
My daughters birthday is coming up so we decided to make a pinata out of cardboard. Well taping it wasn't working so we decided to hot glue some of the places that the tape didn't want to stay on. Well hot glue dribbled down the side so I used my finger, like the genius I am, to stop it from running all over the pinata. It really hurt so I put it up to my lip...Now I have a piece of my lip burnt off and my finger is starting to bubble. I really don't know why I put it up to my mouth. I guess I wanted to stop the pain lol Please forgive me if this sounds like crap, this literally just happened and I can't type well.
tl;dr hot glue dribbled so I used my finger to stopped it, it hurt so I put it up to my mouth to stop the pain. I'm pretty sure some of my lip is on my finger. :(
saac22: I accidentally leaned on a hot glue gun tip once.
I was all "no biggie, I'll just peel the glue off!" It was about two years ago and I still have a scar from where the skin peeled off with the glue.
HAND92: Oh man, that's awful! I hope my lip heals normal :( My finger is just a blister but my lip has a scab and looks awful.
saac22: I feel you, lip skin always seems to hurt twice as much as the rest of you. I'd try to keep it moisturized, at least that will stop the dryness from kind of pulling at the scab, ya know?
I'm not really sure how one cares for a lip scab...
| 4 | 7 | |
1366119469 | 1366174020 | null | t5_2to41 | 52 | Granpafunk: TIFU - by drinking at a wedding
This was actually Sunday, but who's counting?
This past Sunday a coworker and friend of mine got married. Beautiful ceremony, right on Tampa Bay etc etc.
Open bar weddings are my favorite.
I get pretty shitty at the reception along with a lot of other people. We closed the club/restaurant down and a sizable group of us are looking to get into some more trouble. Including most of the bridal party. We go back to the hotel, more drinks, then walk to another hotel which had a bar still open in it. More drinks etc.
Next thing I fucking know I'm getting out of a car in front of one of the nicer strip clubs in town (as far as I know anyway) called 2001 Odyssey... Sci-Fi is cool right? Anyway, I was there with two of the groom's friends, that I hardly know at all. We'd met a few weeks prior for the bachelor party weekend in Ft.Lauderdale.
So we go in and immediately are picked up by a girl each. Now at this point, I don't remember seeing the two other dudes again. The next thing I remember is I'm in a private room with this very hot, young, stripper. She looks like the kind of girl I would like to date. Wasn't a porn start or anything like. She was just really beautiful etc. Anyway prior to going into the room, I vaguely remember a conversation about this costing $400, which I wasn't too concern with.
Later on when things were going down that same other girl comes back in and explains some other charge to me (I have no idea what, but I just agreed with everything they asked me) My girl takes a break at some point to go get something, and that's when I pulled out my phone and text my best friend "I think I'm at a strip club"... that was the last I remember seeing me phone.
She comes back in, things resume, whatever.
Next thing I know I'm being walked outside by the bouncer as they're closing up and I was the last one there. I get helped to a cab and get whisked off into the night... or so you'd think.
I dont remember the conversation, but, apparently i was talking over payment with the cab driver and he pulled over... directly across the street from the strip club, at another strip club -_-
I couldn't find my debit card, I had no cash... I think I tried to pay him with my expired Gamestop rewards card. I'm not sure why he wouldn't take it. Needless to say, I got out of the cab and contemplated life while sitting on a bench outside of a strip club.
I couldn't have been there more than just a few minutes when I realized the situation was hopeless and I just needed to get home. So I started walking.
I'll spare you the explanation of Tampa locale and whatnot but, suffice it to say I ended up walking along the interstate for a few miles. I nearly crossed the Howard Frankland bridge when a white truck pulls over on the side of the road.
Apparently this dude, name was Joey I think, was on his way home from work (it's about 6-7 something in the morning at this point) and wanted to give me a ride home. I hopped in and off we went. He had to make a stop at his apartment (I stayed in the truck as he went in, and was gone for maybe about a minute) We got back on the road and we're just chatting, talking about how people are just not kind these days and how I was really appreciative of him giving me a lift. Not too far down the road from his place, he asks me if I smoke weed. I do and he proceeded to light up a blunt and we just continue on chatting, smoking etc.
I have him drop me off at the entrance to my neighborhood as I didn't want some stranger knowing where I live. At this point I finally realize I don't have my phone, he helps me look for it in the truck, to no avail.
I get inside my house and realize not only am I out my phone and credit card, but, I've also lost my drivers license.
I've managed to get my license/debit card back. It turns out I took one of those guys suit jacket before we even got to the strip club and I put all of that shit in the jacket pockets. They wanted to leave but I was emphatic about staying and i gave him his jacket back. Still no phone though. Sucks, I'd just gotten that new phone (iphone 5) and I paid for it outright, so I could keep my unlimited data plan with Verizon. So unless I can recover the phone, I'm out ~$1000 for that as well.
TL;DR got way too drunk at a wedding/after, spent almost $2000 at a strip club, and lost my new iphone 5, debit card, and drivers license.
rAxxt: >So we go in and immediately are picked up by a girl each.
At a strip club!? No way!
itzth3d00d: Well, yeah, they were wearing suites.
GiantDeviantPiano: 3 piece suites?
| 4 | 13 | |
1366118096 | 1366142846 | null | t5_2to41 | 425 | sobakedlol: Followup to being ripped at work (love you guys)
Hello TIFU, I'm here to followup and not be a scumbag OP! It was a crazy weekend - between birthday extravaganza celebrations and all this fucked up stuff happening in Boston I haven't had time to post a followup to [me being baked off my ass at work](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1c87ca/tifu_by_accidentally_smoking_hash_during_my_lunch/), sorry about that!
**Good news, I'm still employed!**
Friday was just.... Hah! Even though I was weirding the fuck out it ended up being pretty anticlimactic when all was said & done; I barricaded myself in my office and proceeded to Reddit & watch the fish & giggle for 45 minutes, then locked the doors and wandered home. Given nothing bad came out of it I'm honestly pretty glad that happened, if for no other reason than it made for a pretty good story. One of my coworkers must've known something was up when she walked in and I was talking to the fish (to all those who asked, he's red!), but to her credit she just laughed at me and walked away.
Anyways, thanks to everyone for reading and for keeping me entertaining / borderline sane while wrecked the other day. Stay cool guys & gals!
Much love,
A moronic stoner
SinibusUSG: I'm guessing the answer is "because I was high", but why not just call in and say you started feeling ill, food poisoning, etc.
[deleted]: If you read the original story, he accidentally got stoned off his ass AT work, and he was the only agent in his office, so he couldn't exactly leave.
pheldozer: secret agent?
Monoxboogie13: Man
| 5 | 85 | |
1366120180 | 1366298230 | null | t5_2to41 | 201 | [deleted]: Tifu taking NyQuil instea of DayQuil.....
I woke up still with the cold I had taken NyQuil night before. Decided I needed more medicine. Took what I thought was DayQuil (didnt look just took the pills from the bottle, had unpackaged a bunch of NyQuil and DayQuil into my pill bottle). Drove to work about an hour later and got into an accident when I fell asleep behind the wheel. Hit a guard rail. No one else hurt thank god but my car is fucked. Should have stayed home. I fucked up.
Da_Real_Caboose: You're incredibly lucky you fell asleep where you did. Glad you're ok.
Napalm4Kidz: In the car?
TierOne: I'm thinking he means "where" as in where on the road. Like if he fell asleep 2 minutes later he might have mowed down an elementary school.
Rich_Cheese: Its a shame he didnt.
| 5 | 40.2 | |
1366129302 | 1366202422 | null | t5_2to41 | 841 | [deleted]: TIFU - Got stung by a bee, punched myself in the nuts, swore at a little old lady
I'm typing this one handed because my left hand is in the process of swelling up....
About 5 minutes ago I was in the back room of my office building pulling the files for a few of my clients... Rested my hand on top of one of the filing cabinets, and apparently there was a hornet chillin there, because it stung me the second my hand came to rest.
The stinger went into the webbing between my index & middle fingers, catching me totally off-guard, and my immediate reaction was to flail around and say "SON OF A BITCH" very loudly. As I was flailing.... my hand went up.... my hand came down.... my hand made contact with my nuts.... and I made contact with the ground. "GOD FUCKING DAMNIT SON OF A FUCKING CUNT" is a vague estimation of what I said while lying there tearing up & breathing hard, although I can't be sure - there are a few seconds that were totally lost....
I got up, stood there for a second, took some deep breaths, then looked up.... My grandfather, who is a coworker of mine, was standing in the door to his office with a very concerned look on his face. Behind him was a little old lady with a look of pure shock on her face, and I realized she had a perfect point of view to watch that entire episode take place and was sitting there scowling at me.
Gramps kept asking if I was okay, what happened, etc etc..... I stood there for about 30 seconds breathlessly apologizing again & again to this little old lady, who was speechless at first and then grudgingly accepted my apology ("that *did* look very painful").... Then I retreated to my office for Advil and, of course, to immediately report to the internet the extent of my fuckup.
My fingers are swelling & stiffening and my nuts are throbbing so fucking bad right now, holy shit this day took a downhill turn very quickly...
**TL;DR** - [Fuck ~~bees~~ hornets](http://i.imgur.com/pO46F.gif) (thanks to /u/googie_g15 for the gif)
Edit - Pain in the hand is subsiding quickly, pain & nausea in the abdominal region are starting to sink in heavily. Whyyyy....
Second Edit - Pain is finally subsiding (unless I move). The nausea persists... Apparently lunch isn't happening anytime soon
Third Edit - Been home from work for a half hour or so, still a little sore but laughing about it now. Just got a call from my grandparents, apparently Gramps went home and told my grandmother... Could barely understand her on the phone she was laughing so hard. I got the "hahaha oh sweetheart, we love you..." with the implied "*even though you're a complete moron*" (in the most loving way possible, of course) So I guess my whole family is going to know about this and I won't live it down. Ah well.... Today I did indeed fuck up
DeadCannon: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY!?
[deleted]: I too, have seen that greentext
MrBarryThor12: I have not, and I want to.
The_D0ctah: http://imgur.com/r/4chan/3YdJs
MrBarryThor12: Oh, i actually have seen this, thanks
| 6 | 140.166667 | |
1366133895 | 1366232360 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | Larrygiggles: TIFU by not going to the dentist for almost 10 years
Years without insurance, and then forgetting to make an appointment once I *had* insurance has left me with cavity riddled teeth. And now I've got a $10K treatment plan that has to go in effect before some of my teeth start falling out.
Word to the wise kids- ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH!
DoctoryWhy: I brushed my teeth twice a day, but didn't go to the dentist in 5 years. Apparently, that wasn't enough. I have already had near $5k worth of treatment, and have at least 3K more. Sad thing is... I do have insurance. They only cover $1500 a year...
I now brush my teeth after I eat anything at all. Have had an appointment nearly every 2 - 3 weeks since the beginning of the year.
loj05: You're actually not supposed to brush right after you eat.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/21/really-never-brush-your-teeth-immediately-after-a-meal/
DoctoryWhy: That is good to know. Thank you for this.
| 4 | 6.25 | |
1366137620 | 1366221369 | null | t5_2to41 | 96 | i_am_thatgirl: TIFU by blowing my boyfriend
I wanted to give my boyfriend an amazing blowjob while he played pokemon on his gameboy because he once told me that was his fantasy. I was a little too drunk and deep throated him and puked all over his perfect penis. I cleaned him up and finished him off but then I threw a hissy fit over nothing and got grumpy and left in a storm. I then sent him mean messages. I PUKED ON HIS DICK AND THEN GOT MAD AT HIM: I REALLY FUCKED UP TODAY
I am that girl.
WoodyandtheBoners: If it makes you feel better, My ex did the same thing but instead of getting it everywhere, she just straight up swallowed her puke and kept going.
She never admitted what happened but we both knew. According to her, it was also entirely my fault that she puked.
espresso_audrey: She never admitted what happened, but according to her it was your fault? Um...
misslehead3: It was his EX after all, how do you think relationships like this end.
[deleted]: The issue is that the second thing means the first can't be true. If she never admitted it, how could she also say it was his fault? That thing that never happened...yeah that was your fault. Now she could have jokingly referred to it as not happening, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
| 5 | 19.2 | |
1366140218 | 1366254730 | null | t5_2to41 | 63 | TIV4MAIL: TIFU- By making advantage of my schools fuck up
Well so I'm a dutch guy studying in Utrecht. So in January this year my school fucked up.
I suspect the following happened:
1. Blond girl studying dermatology needs models with acne for her assignment
2. She goes to ask if she can send a mail to all 16k students asking for said models.
3. She is given the green light and is given a list of mailing lists ( one per faculty) and is told to put them in the BCC off the mail ( so they remain secret)
4. Said blond girl puts it in the CC of the mail and everyone can see the mailing lists.
5. Hell breaks loose and everyone starts mailing all students
So at first I didn't quite know why I received all those mails because I was visiting a classmate and was in the train. I arrive at his house and he explains the fuck-up and we notice that some other redditors take over posting Nicholas Cage and stuff.
So we started contributing our own reddit finds and we also see that one classmate mailed 22Mb worth of /r/birdswitharms embedded (thus creating extra server load).
At the end of February we receive mails inviting us for a meeting with the head of our institute and a legal assistant. We didn't expect too much of the meetings. That is until I had mine ( I was the first - Tuesday a week ago). They weren't amused at all. He showed me a [picture I sent. ](http://imgur.com/Z3LHUuh) After raging at me for posting this and some other stuff he told me he could either give me a warning or suspension for up to a year.
So today i get a call from my dad saying I received a letter saying I got suspended for 4 weeks. I told him about the mail incident, but not about the meeting I had. Luckily he took it lightly. Now i gotta tell my mom....
EDIT: Just to clarify the who is OP a childish dick part.. the answer is: Probably.
Just so you know i don't even know where i got this particular picture from or why i sent this.
Most pictures were just funny or those kinda deal with it pictures.
UPDATE: Just told my mom and she was laughing at me. Of course she disliked it but could still manage to laugh about it.
elfa82: In other words, your fuck up was allowing them to figure out who sent it. Next time use an anonymous account from a random computer.
[deleted]: his fuckup was being a childish dickhole.
prussianiron: Because everything someone says or posts is completely serious and non-sarcastic, non-satirical, and non-joking, and OP enjoys beating women.
Talran: And knowing where that line is makes the difference between being a childish dick, and a proper man. OP is the former.
prussianiron: No, it makes the difference between taking something overly seriously with no sense of humor, and taking things in stride and not making sweeping judgements about a person based on a single image that they found funny.
Talran: There's a big difference between sending something to a friend and having a good laugh, and sending something to every member of faculty/staff at an institution.
I would have pushed for expulsion.
prussianiron: And you're the worst kind of overly sensitive, politically correct douchebag.
"Oh man, that guy sent a sexist image, that was almost certainly not meant seriously! He should be kicked out of college permanently with no refund so that he can live a far lower quality of life because of a single image! That will show that asshole to be intolerant!"
If you can't see the irony: You are punishing a seemingly intolerant act with a far, far, far worse and life-fucking, far less tolerant response.
Talran: Nothing about being politically correct, and I'm not personally sensitive about it.
However, allowing a student to send an image to all faculty/staff/students as such without reprimand could have a rather disastrous effect on the institution, and consequently hundreds of peoples lives. Shit like this getting public, and seemingly being backed by the institution can be a fucking disaster.
By that age he **really** should have known the difference between what is acceptable for public/private. Particularly when it has your name on it, and you are representing yourself and your institution with it. This is essentially like walking up to a client of your company, and going "Hey check this out, lulz!", when you're a temp at a company with a reputation to uphold.
prussianiron: And expulsion, fucking up his life plans and goals potentially permanently, is an acceptable answer to that? College kids do stupid shit. But "childish dick"? Really? Don't make such wide assumptions about someone like that. It says literally nothing about his character or who he is, and I seriously doubt he deserves expulsion.
Talran: Well, it is a harsh lesson to learn for people who haven't fully matured, but yeah, people often get expelled for much less.
It's usually a 20k mistake they don't make again.
prussianiron: Harsh is suspending them for a semester or a few weeks, not robbing someone of tens of thousands of dollars because they *sent an image that some might find slightly distasteful* to the whole student and faculty body.
Talran: It's not robbing, and in fact something they agree upon when enrolling in the institution. I know my institution actually has some pretty similar clauses that can lead to expulsion. Heck, I know a school nearby that can toss you for having a drink (yes, even if you're over 21).
When you attend an institution you play by their rules; If you don't understand that, or how such a thing can shine a negative light on them you really have no business pursuing a higher education there.
prussianiron: Saying that that is a rule of theirs does not make it any less robbery. They are taking your money, don't deliver what you paid for, it is against your will that they do not deliver it. Signing something agreeing to their terms does not make it any less morally wrong. Just like that South Park with the Human Centi-iPad. You have no choice but to agree to it, and because of that they get the right to fuck you and take your money without anything in return if you so much as have a legal drink.
Talran: They give you exactly what both parties agreed upon. Namely an education up to the point of being expelled for something that was clearly stated to be an offense that can result in anything "up to and including expulsion". So it's not robbery so much as "you dun fucked up".
Robbery would be slipping something into the rules and not telling students about the changes.
And that's the problem though, you can avoid it. Just don't attend an institution that has rules you disagree with. Good luck finding one that would let this case slide completely though, I don't know a single member of a board around here who wouldn't want some sort of shit done for that. (Members of the board are regularly on campus-wide distribution lists.) Just like with the episode, you don't *have* to use an i pad when there's a perfectly good alternative being offered just down the road. It may not have the same prestige, but since you don't want to play by the rules, you don't get it.
prussianiron: "You dun fucked up" means you get punished. Not have thousands of dollars taken from you without anything given back to you.
Obviously legally they can get away with it, but morally it's fucked up. You can't even argue that it is not immoral or wrong in any way to jump to expulsion and the waste of tens of thousands of dollars for a relatively minor offense. Nobody is being physically hurt, nobody is being bullied, nobody is raping or stealing or killing. Expulsion should be reserved for actually serious fuck ups, not having a beer or sending an image to a mailing list.
Talran: Beer thing is a baptist school nearby, real prestigious too. They usually expel on the third alcohol offense, until then they're fine with academic probation and AA. (Yes, for a single beer.)
But unless it's something that has a serious effect (or potentially serious one) most schools won't skip to expulsion, but people really need to know it's on the table. Especially when you can potentially cost the school millions of dollars in lost future revenue. Once you're 18 you're an adult, and need to judge any actions taken in the public eye with the mind that they have very real consequences.
Unfortunately I've had to see people lose 5+k dollars because they won't be allowed to finish the semester. We will forward their transcript to another school for them, but it's one of those things that they need to realize that these things can look rather horrible in the public eye. Namely when it's a joke in poor taste as the one above is, and it had their name on it. If that got circulated to staff/faculty/students? *Probably* a hold for the year/semester, and a really hard talking to. To the board/mayor/community leaders as well? They'd want blood, their ass doesn't have a chance.
prussianiron: I think it's more than a bit of an exaggeration to say that sending a single slightly distasteful image to the college mailing list is going to end up costing the school millions of dollars.
Talran: I really depends who it goes out to, that's the problem with distro lists getting out though.
| 19 | 3.315789 | |
1366080002 | 1366165521 | null | t5_2to41 | 11 | blacmagick: TIFU by having my mom find a drawing i made of a naked woman
First off, this was back when i was probably 10. TL;DR at the bottom
It all started when my friends came over and we pulled an all-nighter. We were in the basement watching TV. The show we were watching ended and we started changing the channels to find something else to watch. My friend's older brother, who I think was 12 at the time had the remote. He found a porn channel. It was the first time i had ever seen porn.
All i could think of for the next couple days was BOOBS. So not knowing the term porn and not having easy access to a computer, i decided to draw my own "porn".
So i had the drawing and hid it under my pillow. the next morning i had soccer/football, and while i was gone, my mom cleaned my room. She changed the pillow case and found my drawing under the pillow right as i came home. She looked at me furiously and said we'll talk about it later. She left the drawing and left the room. I immediately took it, ripped it up and threw it in multiple garbage cans. We have never spoken of this incident since. My mom has a good memory, so i wouldn't be surprised if she still remembers.
TD;LR: watched porn at a young age, didn't know what it was. made a drawing of a naked woman, mom found it.
imadeaname: >TD;LR
Too didn't, long read?
AwesomeDude37: i didn't even notice that
| 3 | 3.666667 | |
1366168681 | 1366184110 | null | t5_2to41 | 280 | M0T0RB04T: TIFU by febreze-ing my dick
Okay so this morning I got up late for class and decided that I could skip a shower and just do the ol' wet-my-hair-down-and-put-a-shit-ton-of-deodorant-on-to-make-it-seem-like-I-showered. It worked well enough and my day went on normally.
After class I get a text from my new-ish hot girlfriend (almost a month) asking me if I wanted to go on a dinner date. Hell yes! With this girl, if I pay for dinner and she has a good time, she gets my man gravy for dessert if you know what I mean.
Anyway, it's about half an hour before I have to go and pick her up and I figure that I should do a pre-date shit so I don't end up in the bathroom at the restaurant for 45 minutes because I had a double baconator for lunch (I know, fuck my fat ass...). So I'm sitting on the toilet and I scratch my balls and do a sniff test like everyone does when they take a shit. Not fucking good. My scrotum smelt of aged swiss cheese from a fancy-pants gourmet restaurant. I was thinking, "shit! She's not going to want a hunk of floppy swiss in her mouth, not without wine! And I don't have enough time for a shower!" So I do the most logical thing of course, I grab the bottle of febreze next to the toilet and spray it on my dick.
Ya done fucked up now M0T0RB04T!
I had a boner from thinking of the blowie I was going to receive later, so my pee-hole was wide open. As the febreze dripped down my shaft shoot, it felt like a thousand needles. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LAVENDER AND VANILLA COMFORT, NOT VANILLA FIRE! I tried to force some piss out to try and wash it out but that hurt 100 times more. My eyes were watering and I was trying my hardest not to scream; it was the worst pain ever!
So I ended up cancelling the date because "I really had to work on homework." She kinda got pissed but whatever, there was no way I was going to blow my febreze load on her face tonight.
TL;DR - I missed out on a blow job because I sprayed febreze down my urethra.
TheatreOfDreams: Bro, had you just practiced basic human hygiene and taken a damn shower sometime in between waking up and going to an evening dinner date, you could've avoided febreezing your dick and could be inside some warm and cozy vagina.
The basics man, real simple stuff.
p_iynx: Well...this is /r/tifu. I'm pretty sure he knows he was a massive idiot and regrets not just taking a ten minute shower. :P
TheatreOfDreams: No you're right.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is that usually a "TIFU" happens when something is unavoidable or something happens out of surprise without much of a set-up. Nevertheless, his TIFU is good, because who the hell sprays febreeze on their dick.
| 4 | 70 | |
1366174496 | 1366249189 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: Started a controversial discussion with two girls
saac22: First of all, not all guys are the same, and not all girls are the same.
Why don't I want to be treated like an object? Because it's not goddamn 1782. I'm not generally all hardcore feminist, but seriously my lady ancestors did not fight for my rights for a guy to squeeze my tits whenever he well pleases.
Frankly (in my opinion), any self-respecting guy should feel the same.
colintw24: Don't get me wrong, I am not the guy that does that shit. But I just started the conversation and took it in a different direction. Let me just say that I think it is because of emissions. Women predominately get there feelings hurt over every little comment, "you're a drama queen", "you're annoying", "SHUT UP". However, Guys will predominately say the following type of comments in response, "shut up fucker", "your annoying too", "don't tell me to shut up douche bag". If most girls weren't so sensitive than there would not be as much of a problem.
saac22: Oh I agree, girls are sensitive bitches usually. But your first example, vs. responding to "SHUT UP," is totally different.
I absolutely agree that certain people shouldn't take everything so personally or act so serious about comments, unless those comments are objectifying them.
colintw24: The other thing is, why do girls assume that guys ONLY like that one part they talked about? If I am walking with a group of my buddies, I am going to comment if an attractive girl walks by... but i dont say, "she's hot, and thats the only good thing about her". no.
saac22: Girls like to use psychological warfare to evoke as many compliments as they can get from you.
If you say "You look nice today!" one might respond with, "Oh because I JUST LOOK LIKE SHIT THE REST OF THE TIME DON'T I?!" to which the general response would be "No no you just look *better* than *usual*, you always look AMAZING"
See what I mean? It takes a special girl to just accept a compliment without fishing for another one or two (or twenty).
I think the main lesson learned here should be that unless a girl says "AW YEAH TREAT ME LIKE AN INANIMATE OBJECT," chances are they don't *just* want to be a pair of nice tits and a smokin' ass.
| 6 | 1.166667 | |
1366172560 | 1366323541 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by heating up plasticine and throwing it at my roof
Today I had a 5 year old nephew over and he really loves sculpting monsters, so i decided to bring out some plasticine to build some out of. Within 20 minutes I had begun to throw little pieces the size of marbles at my window, and they would stick great. He caught on and monster building soon became plasticine sticking. I wanted to make something bigger, so I decided to make a ball of green and go bring it downstairs (it was cold and i needed it warm to stick). I heated up some water in the microwave and dunked the plasticine in it for 5 seconds, and it was incredibly mushy by then, ready to stick
*Just some background info here, my parent's house has metal sheeting on the underside of the roof, like many do. My mother also has mild OCD and we live in Canada, so it was -10 out today.*
So I put the steaming ball of plastcine in a big spoon, and went out the front door. The metal slopes here, making it impossible to see from the stairs and from the front door. So being the dumbass I am i catapult the tennis ball sized mass of steaming goo at the roof not really comprehending how hot it actually is. Next thing I know it's raining green shit everywhere and I start to get worried. Plasticine is oil and nearly impossible to get out of clothes, and it just sprayed the door mat and **everywhere** on the front porch. My clothes are covered and it looks like godzilla just ejaculated all over the door. It's literally everywhere and within 10 seconds of the freezing cold weather it's totally hardened. I have "popcorn" paint on the outside which is the rough textured stuff, aka i can't wipe it off the walls. My mother would absolutely flip shit, and this was probably the last time I could stay at her house.
So naturally my nephew is just laughing his little ass off at me and the walls. I made a deal with him, you take the fall for the goo and i'll take you to Toys-R-Us and buy you the lego set of your choice. So that's how "Jacob threw a ball of warm plasticine outside as a firework".
**TL:DR OP threw about a cup of godzilla's ejaculate in his mothers front entrance and ruined it**
Tarsen: I'd take that deal. The Millennium Falcon set runs $140. Totally worth the incoming spanking.
[deleted]: It was a risk, but ~~he~~ I bought a $60 technic set instead. *worth it*
| 3 | 10.666667 | |
1366186588 | 1366260140 | null | t5_2to41 | 9 | firebirdse2003: TIFU< I spent $1,000 breaking up with my GF moving her into her own house>
My now Ex ( we can call her G ) and I have been together on and off for 6 years. We have 2 little girls. One is mine and she is almost 4. The other is not mine and is almost 10 months. Our new house is very nice compared to the old one. We were hoping that itwould fix our problems. After 2 weeks in the new house I told her that I couldnt marry her bc of our bad past ( she has cheated on me several times many years ago) She was heart broken and I did not realize what I had done. She had no where to go so I got her a very nice place and spent alot of money making sure she had everything she needed. I was happy and exited and so was she. This actually all took place last friday so Im sorry I just need to talk. My first night alone I realized how bad I missed her beautiful smooth warm body next to mine and now I realize that the past is the past and I dont care if she cheated on me bc I love her so much and I want to keep out little family together. Saturday night the only thing I could do to drown out the sadness was go to the pub and drink. I felt better when I got back home but when I woke up i felt like shit again. Now every morning when I get off work and come home to a empty house I just want to burst out in tears. If I would have known I was going to feel this way then i would not have done this. I love her so much and literally every time I go to sleep I dream about her. IDK what to do anymore.
explainittomeplease: Yeah, it's gonna suck for a while. There's no easy fix. Then one day, a few months from now you realize you haven't thought of her till 1 p.m. then a few days after you don't think of her till 6 p.m.
Then you go a day without thinking about how much you miss her. Then two. Then one day you flirt with someone. That's a good day. Just give it time.
firebirdse2003: Thankyou. That is easier said than done. I wish it was so much easier. I wish I could turn back time a couple weeks and never even talk about it to her. I would have just got her a ring and let us continue on as a little family.
explainittomeplease: And she may have cheated on you again. Sitting here wondering what could have happened and romanticizing it is the worst thing for you right now. Trust me. I've done the research. All it does is make you live in your daydreams. I'm not saying fuck her, forget about it, buy just make sure you're not spending all of your time sitting around imagining how it could have been. The wedding night, having another kid, growing old. One day you wake up and it's 2 months later and you're so deep down the depression hole you don't know how you'll get out again.
Be upset, grieve it, but remember it could always have ended up with you guys marrying and her continuing to cheat on you.
firebirdse2003: You have a very good point. I wish there was a way to speed up the process and just feel no pain. I do not like knowing that I have nothing to look forward to when I get home from work.. A dead silent house.. Im so used to being with my little family all the time this is killing me
explainittomeplease: You should get a low maintenance pet. Like a hamster. Something that doesn't need a lot of attention, but will scurry all over and distract you when you feel down.
firebirdse2003: I have a large fish tank.. It kinda calms me down
explainittomeplease: I used to have a fish tank. I didn't work. I played with it.
| 8 | 1.125 | |
1366164000 | 1366187971 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Northsidebill1: TIFU - I opened the wrong end of the curry container while making dinner.
So I would like to go ahead and apologize to my asshole for whats going to happen to it a number of hours after I eat dinner. I had everything going nicely and wasnt paying attention and opened the wrong flap on the curry container. What was supposed to be a sprinkle was a landslide. I stopped it pretty quickly but a huge amount of curry had already gone in and I had minutes before liberally dosed the pan with Sriracha. It smells and tastes too good to waste and the people I am cooking for are pretty hungry so we decided to sack up and eat it.
I apologize in advance asshole, old buddy. This one is going to hurt.
portissmith: How bad was the poop after?
Northsidebill1: I havent gone yet. Its coming though, I have a feeling it isnt going to be pleasant
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1366179974 | 1366392229 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Locrian_DM: TIFU - By drinking from an unmarked bottle
The thread below from /r/askreddit made me think of this story. it's over 3,000 comments deep, but I still wanted to share the wisdom we gained that day without it getting buried. I figured you guys would like this.
**WARNING : It's a long one!** I'll break it into two parts, my fuck up, and the one the other guys did that made everyone forget about my drunken episode.
This happened several years ago. My brother and I were at a large nerd convention (ya know, the ones where you can say "I NEED A STORM TROOPER" and a dozen will come running?). We had been coming to this convention for about 3 years or so and were getting pretty comfortable with our routine. Friday and Saturday night was drunken Werewolf night, and Sunday was hangover and recovery day.
For those of you know haven't played Werewolf, think of the game Heads Up Seven Up from when you were in elementary school, then add Werewolves and lynchmobs. Villagers try to hang all the Werewolves, and the Werewolves try to eat all the villagers. The villagers usually just end up hanging each other. Great game for former drama students.
So on the Saturday night, each of us grab a 6-pack and head down to the basement of the hotel where there is about 500 people playing various games. About 100 were playing Werewolf, in about 5 different circles. We get social and start making friends with our booze. Other people have booze, and we start trading. After a lot of Crown Royal and each of us downing a 6-pack, one of our new "friends" offers us some 'mystery booze.'
He explained what it was - Strega. Apparently it's some Italian thing with like 76 different ingredients. It tasted like mouthwash with a burning kick in the throat afterwards. I drank a couple shots, but my brother took a LOT more. His reasoning was "well I traded one from my 6-pack, and so that was like $3 worth, so I deserve more!" I watched him chug at least 6 shots out of this thing, barely taking a breath.
Fast forward about 10 minutes. We're playing Werewolf, and I can tell that I'm being waaaaaaaay too obnoxious, and everyone wishes that I would leave. Except for the guy sitting next to me, apparently (this was the guy with the Strega). When "nighttime" comes and the village goes to sleep (we all lower our heads to simulate sleeping), he reaches over and grabs my cock. I think I handled it very well. I just gently removed his hand and said "dude, there's kids here..."
I didn't want to embarrass the guy and it was kinda my fault (apparently I give off a really gay vibe when I'm this drunk), I have a lot of gay friends and I know it's hard (heheh, phrasing) to find similarly minded people, so when the villagers decided to lynch me that night I drunkenly excused myself and left the game. The guy ended up leaving with his, now empty, bottle of booze. This caused me to miss what happened next.
From my side of the room, I hear a splash and see about 20 people all stand up in unison, perform a perfectly in-synch 180, and jog away from the scene with a giant "NOPE" look on all their faces. My brother had puked all over the game area. With no other players remaining, he declared victory for the Werewolves.
15 minutes later, we're in the bathroom, and I'm telling him all the disgusting things I can think of to get him to throw up more. These include things like,
"Hey, let's go upstairs and get an ashtray sandwich!" or
"Just think about going down on mom..."
That one worked really well... Somewhere I have a video of him crying while puking and proclaiming "Stop, I'm vomiting tears!"
With the help of one of the convention volunteers, we make it back to our rooms, where I pass out next to the door for about an hour. I finally make it to bed around 6AM, and sleep straight though to 2PM. I awake to the worst hangover of my life. I had to pound several energy drinks to get rid of the headache, but by 6PM or so I'm good. My brother apparently had a similar experience in his room.
We decided not to continue our Werewolf games on Sunday, and kept ourselves from even showing our faces in the game room for the rest of the convention.
**TL:DR** - Drank mystery booze, got groped, and my brother won a game by puking. DON'T DRINK STREGA!!!
**Part 2** - On Monday, we're getting ready to leave the convention and we run into one of the guys that helped us out when we were both puking. He told us that everyone completely forgot about Saturday night because of what happened the next night.
11PM or so, Sunday night, down in the game room there were these two drunk guys. They're being real assholes and are asked to leave the game. They finally give in and get up, only to stick around because the one guy's GF showed up. He picks her up, throws her on the table, lifts her skirt and starts doin it right there... in front of a mixed crowd with ages ranging from 8 to 60.
Apparently that's the line at this particular convention. The con's security escorts them upstairs where the one guy is threatening to beat the shit out of the hotel manager, while the other declares that "you can't hold us, I'm in the military!" So the security guy asks for their military IDs. He writes down the information and informs them that he'll be calling their COs.
The guys start freaking out. Security takes them out back into this little courtyard area while they wait for the head of security to show up. Guy starts picking up gravel and throwing it at the windows of the hotel. He finally crossed the line when he took a chair and tried to pry to fire door open with one of the legs. This set off the fire alarm.
Turns out that the fire department was already there, finishing up after a fire in the elevator on the 26th floor. With that, the cops got involved.
**TL:DR** - Drunk guy fucks his GF in front of an 8 year old. Gets fire department, cops, and his CO called on him.
zeoalex: wow...sounds like a fun one. Am I the only one questioning the use of energy drinks to kill a hangover? That's the first time I've heard that one
Locrian_DM: A couple excedrin and a sobe adrenaline rush killed every hangover I ever had. Something about the excess caffeine.
zeoalex: interesting, I was always under the impression that caffeine = bad...hm
Locrian_DM: From what I understand, alcohol expands the blood vessels (that's why your face gets red if you drink too much) and caffeine constricts the blood vessels. You ever had a hangover where you can feel your pulse in your brain? The caffeine kills that feeling within about 30 minutes, or at least it does for me.
| 5 | 5.4 | |
1366201946 | 1366220867 | null | t5_2to41 | 314 | [deleted]: TIFU by pouring pepsi on my shit-stained mattress
So, I have had stomach problems lately due to [this fucking dickhead](http://seabirdstruck.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/jackfruit-pic-1.jpg) of a fruit. It's loaded with fiber, and I haven't had a solid shit in 3 days.
Fast forward to last night. I wake up soaked in cold, excessively smelly, liquidy shit. It was freezing to my body, so I get up all pissed (well, shitted, rather) and start toweling off with old clothes.
On Spring Break someone gave me a bottle of Pepsi that I drank half of. So, I had the genius idea that it would remove the stains and then evaporate from my mattress. Hah, nope.
I just bleached the frozen combination of shit and pepsi off of my mattress, but the smell will linger for an eternity. I also forgot to put the towel through the wash, so I have to wait until I can accumulate enough whites to properly clean it.
Of course I called off of work because of this fuck-up, but at least it means I can play Uprising since it came out yesterday.
[deleted]: > I also forgot to put the towel through the wash, so I have to wait until I can accumulate enough whites to properly clean it.
No you don't.
steve-d: This was the most jaw dropping part of the entire thing. Nobody is going to fault you for wasting water with a wash of a single towel. Hell, I wouldn't wash anything else with it! What if something goes wrong, and your washers gives out? Now all of your whites are covered in shit and Pepsi.
Assmeat: Or how about this reasoning
>It's loaded with fiber, and I haven't had a solid shit in 3 days.
I don't know about other people, but high fiber tends to equal the opposite result
UpBoatDownBoy: I think OP was just adding that as a separate piece of information. As in, prior to eating the fruit, they haven't had a solid shit in 3 days? Hopefully that's the case.
[deleted]: You're giving the benefit of the doubt to a dude who shit his bed, poured old pepsi on it (thinking it would improve the situation somehow), then proceeded to towel his shitty-self off and decided it was best to wait for another load of whites before washing it?
No man, just no.
UpBoatDownBoy: It helps me sleep at night.
| 7 | 44.857143 | |
1366220438 | 1366319557 | null | t5_2to41 | 683 | katoso22: TIFU by washing a pillow.
Thought I would make my sleeping situation better with a bit of freshing up. Little did I know the horror that awaited after the spin cycle. A goose was murdered here! The casing was obliterated feathers, feathers, all over the room. The sick anticipation of waiting until my wife sees...
Update I think I have figured out the photo thing.
All cleaned up as well.
http://imgur.com/JT7dbNo
http://imgur.com/16ys66L
http://imgur.com/RhzmALr
Zylll: Heheh, you kinda sound like my boyfriend who yelled in utter shock; "NOOO!" when he dropped the cake I made him yesterday and is generally clumsy with good intentions. I'll be awaiting those pictures :)
Trubbis: I now see myself as *clumsy but with good intentions*
Zylll: Well, there are a lot of worse things you could be :)
Trubbis: Like, Hitler
Zylll: Yeah.. I certainly have my doubts about his intentions being good... I think he crossed some sort of line when he decided installing those showers..
i_am_sad: Hitler thought of himself as god's warrior, and was on a crusade to avenge Jesus and save his Christian nation, by driving out all of the snakes, so to speak.
deersucker: Hitler wasn't religious.
i_am_sad: Hitler's entire crusade was set forth by Martin Luther himself, after getting thoroughly educated as a Catholic in his youth, and then furthering his education with reading Martin Luther's book "*On the Jews and Their Lies*," as explained by Julius Streicher, an Adolf Hitler admirer, and Nazi member since 1922, during the Nuremberg trials:
>*"Dr. Martin Luther would very probably sit in my place in the defendants' dock today, if this book had been taken into consideration by the Prosecution. In the book 'The Jews and Their Lies,' Dr. Martin Luther writes that the Jews are a serpent's brood and one should burn down their synagogues and destroy them..."*
____
As for Hitler, he has plenty of quotes, both before and during the Third Reich, which more than proves his justification for such savagery:
>"*My feelings as a Christian points me to my Lord and Savior as a fighter. It points me to the man who once in loneliness, surrounded by a few followers, recognized these Jews for what they were and summoned men to fight against them and who, God's truth! was greatest not as a sufferer but as a fighter. In boundless love as a Christian and as a man I read through the passage which tells us how the Lord at last rose in His might and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple the brood of vipers and adders. How terrific was His fight for the world against the Jewish poison. To-day, after two thousand years, with deepest emotion I recognize more profoundly than ever before the fact that it was for this that He had to shed His blood upon the Cross. As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice... … And if there is anything which could demonstrate that we are acting rightly, it is the distress that daily grows. For as a Christian I have also a duty
to my own people. And when I look on my people I see them work and work and toil and labor, and at the end of the week they have only for their wages wretchedness and misery. When I go out in the morning and see these men standing in their queues and look into their pinched faces, then I believe I would be no Christian, but a very devil, if I felt no pity for them, if I did not, as did our Lord two thousand years ago, turn against those by whom today this poor people
are plundered and exposed.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, in a speech on 12 April 1922 (Norman H. Baynes, ed. The Speeches of Adolf Hitler, April 1922-August 1939, Vol. 1 of 2, pp. 19-20, Oxford University Press, 1942)]
__________
>"*We are a people of different faiths, but we are one. Which faith conquers the other is not the question; rather, the question is whether Christianity stands or falls.... We tolerate no one in our ranks who attacks the ideas of Christianity... in fact our movement is Christian. We are filled with a desire for Catholics and Protestants to discover one another in the deep distress of our own people.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, in a speech in Passau, 27 October 1928, Bundesarchiv Berlin-Zehlendorf, [cited from Richard Steigmann-Gall's The Holy Reich] ]
>"*The Catholic Church considered the Jews pestilent for fifteen hundred years, put them in ghettos, etc, because it recognized the Jews for what they were".... I recognize the representatives of this race as pestilent for the state and for the church and perhaps I am thereby doing Christianity a great service by pushing them out of schools and public functions.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, 26 April 1933, [cited from Richard Steigmann-Gall's The Holy Reich] ]
_________
>"*We are determined, as leaders of the nation, to fulfill as a national government the task which has been given to us, swearing fidelity only to God, our conscience, and our Volk.... This the national government will regard its first and foremost duty to restore the unity of spirit and purpose of our Volk. It will preserve and defend the foundations upon which the power of our nation rests. It will take Christianity, as the basis of our collective morality, and the family as the nucleus of our Volk and state, under its firm protection....May God Almighty take our work into his grace, give true form to our will, bless our insight, and endow us with the trust of our Volk.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, on 1 Feb. 1933, addressing the German nation as Chancellor for the first time, Volkischer Beobachter, 5 Aug. 1935, [cited from Richard Steigmann-Gall's The Holy Reich] ]
_______
>"*I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of
the Almighty Creator.*"
-[Adolph Hitler, _Mein Kampf_, pp. 46]
_____
>"*I am now as before a Catholic and will always remain so*"
-[Adolph Hitler, to Gen. Gerhard Engel, 1941]
______
>"*…the personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil
assumes the living shape of the Jew.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf", Vol. 1, Chapter 11]
(The idea of the devil/Jew relationship started with medieval anti-Jewish beliefs, based on interpretations from the Bible. Martin Luther, and teachers after him, continued this "tradition" up until the 20th century, which was where Hitler learned such ideas.)
_____
>"*We were convinced that the people needs and requires this faith. We have therefore undertaken the fight against the atheistic movement, and that not merely with a few theoretical declarations: we have stamped it out.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, speech in Berlin, October 24, 1933]
_____
>"*National Socialism neither opposes the Church nor is it anti-religious, but on the contrary, it stands on the ground of a real Christianity. The Church's interests cannot fail to coincide with ours alike in our fight against the symptoms of degeneracy in the world of today, in our fight against the Bolshevist culture, against an atheistic movement, against criminality, and in our struggle for the consciousness of a community in our national life, for the conquest of hatred and disunion between the classes, for the conquest of civil war and unrest, of strife and discord. These are not anti-Christian, these are Christian principles.*"
-[Adolf Hitler, speech in Koblenz, August 26, 1934]
_________
>"*I believe today that I am acting in the sense of the Almighty
Creator. By warding off the Jews I am fighting for the Lord’s work.*"
-[Adolph Hitler, Speech, Reichstag, 1936]
_____
>"*It matters not whether these weapons of ours are humane: if they gain us our freedom, they are justified before our conscience and before our God.*<
-[Adolf Hitler, in Munich, 01 Aug. 1923]
________
If you have evidence to the contrary, or sources/citations for where you claim he was not religious, or that WWII was not a modern day Christian crusade, please, feel free to rewrite the history books.
Otherwise, to put it in short, from all of his collective speeches and writings...
>"*I am now, as before, a Catholic, and will always remain so... I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator... our movement is Christian... I believe I would be no Christian, but a very devil, if I did not, as did our Lord two thousand years ago, turn against those by whom today this poor people are plundered and exposed.*
>*I recognize the representatives of [the Jewish] race as pestilent for the state and for the church and perhaps I am thereby doing Christianity a great service by pushing them out of schools and public functions.*
>*Christianity is the basis of our collective morality, and it matters not whether these weapons of ours are humane: if they gain us our freedom, they are justified before our conscience and before our God.*"
-[Adolf Hitler]
____
Yet still today people have the audacity and ignorance to say he was atheist.
deersucker: I'm sorry, and thanks for correcting me.
But to say that Hitler's prime motivation was religion is still too much, I think. What he said (towards a pretty religious people) and what were his actual motives doesn't have to concur. I mean, the Catholic church was not an actual part of Nazism and Hitler didn't promote it, right? As in, children were supposed to go to the Hitlerjugend, not to sunday church.
| 10 | 68.3 | |
1366222632 | 1366282739 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,307 | laststandman: TIFU by "checking out" a high school girl
I'm a sophomore in college, and during the spring my school usually has a lot of tours for prospective students. Now I'm a huge sports fan (especially hockey) so my eyes are naturally drawn to t-shirts with sports logos on them.
So I'm leaving my building this morning and on my way to fencing I see my friend leading a tour group. So we wave to each other and the group notices me. Then as I'm walking past them I notice this girl in the group wearing a Calgary Flames t-shirt. My mind races for a moment: I LOVE seeing hockey shirts, regardless of the team, and seeing a Flames shirt in Washington, D.C. is like seeing an Asian NFL player.
To make it worse, she customized it so that what was a normal Flames shirt became midriff city (where the navel's out and the hips are pretty), and was cut to show some cleavage (nothing slutty, just a little more revealing). She was decently stacked, and the reason I know this is because when I see a logo I tend to stare at it until I'm out of eyesight, I promise I wasn't eying her up for anything else but the Flames logo.
Well I guess I looked a little too long for the likes of the older gentleman standing behind her (I would guess her father) because he makes a very clear sound of surprise and disgust at my staring. I don't say anything because what the hell could I say? "No I was just looking the the flames logo sir, I wasn't checking out your teenage daughter, I swear!" But his noise was loud enough to catch the attention of my friend (guiding the tour) and so she looks at me. I just keep walking.
But I'm a big enough moron to fuck up just a little more. See now that I've identified this shirt as a shirt with a player's name on it, I just had to know which player it was. So, instinctively I turn to see the player name and number, thinking maybe it was just an awkward moment that's passed. Nope, dad's still staring me down, even more ticked that I'm looking at his daughter's back. I look up at my friend amd she shoots me a quick shocked, confused look. I'll have to explain to her later that I am not, in fact, into high school girls.
The player was Miikka Kiprusoff.
MIDItheKID: A quick "nice shirt" may have saved you there.
laststandman: I was listening to music
spritef: He yelled "NICE SHIRT!!!" not realizing how loud it was because of his music.
Proclaim_the_Name: I have you tagged as "tiny little wiener" for some reason.
spritef: I have no idea what you're talking about... Don't ever bring it up again.
ExxL: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WANNA LOOK INTO
LINKS PL0X
spritef: I dunno what it's about bro, I've got a 6in titan in my pants! that guy got his tags mixed up.
Shitty_Human_Being: I've beaten you by half an inch.
Suck it!
| 9 | 145.222222 | |
1366229484 | 1366419208 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | [deleted]: TIFU and set my trash can on fire.
TIFU because I felt like smoking a bowl of herb. I got my piece out and noticed it had a little "pipe tobacco" left in it. I finished off the last little hit, cashed the bowl into my hand and then put the ash in the trash. I casually go about loading the next bowl when I turn around I see my trash can pretty nicely smoking. Apparently I didn't feel an ember in my damn hand when I threw the ash away. I look over it and half a paper towel is now bright orange and spreading fast- FUCK. I reach over to my night stand and grab a cup, it's empty. Ran to the bathroom frantically, get water. By this time I can see and smell the plastic bag burning. I drench it with all the water in the cup and then run to the kitchen and grab the fire extinguisher, thankfully when I returned it had died out... The smell is **gross**.
TL;DR: I ashed my "pipe tobacco" into the trash and set it ablaze...
OblivionsMemories: Open all the windows, air is the only thing that will get rid of that smell now. Burning plastic is not a coverable smell. :(
GreyKite: At least the burning plastic smell will cover up the smell of his "pipe tobacco"
| 3 | 7.666667 | |
1366232446 | 1366259018 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | BuffyPilotKnob: TIFU by microwaving a potato.
I actually did this 2 days ago. I put a potato in the microwave, and used the potato shortcut button. I hit the button once, for quantity 1, and hit start. I didn't think about the fact that I was cooking a small, red potato, and not the standard russet that the microwave was probably programmed for. I walked away.
Potato caught on fire in the microwave.
The microwave appears to be undamaged, but there is an unholy smell emanating from that entire corner of the kitchen. 2 days later.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: Since when do microwaves have a potato button??
BuffyPilotKnob: Maybe mine's just big pimpin'. Most microwaves have a popcorn button, I know that. Mine has a popcorn, potato, pizza, beverage, soup, dinner plate, fresh vegetable, and frozen vegetable button, in that order. I love my microwave. I'm so sad that it smells like ass now.
The_Master_of_LOLZ: Who the fuck would want to microwave fresh vegetables?!
BuffyPilotKnob: Good point. Lazy ass mo fos I guess.
| 5 | 24.4 | |
1366226512 | 1366254982 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | trouphaz: TIFU by preheating way too much
Last night my wife and I were going to meet with my kids' teachers. We had a few minutes before so I wanted to cook up some steaks for the kids and my mom who was watching them. I tossed the cast iron pan on the stove and turned it on high to heat it up. I have an electric stove, so I wasn't expecting it to get so hot so quickly. In the meantime, I was seasoning the steaks up with some salt and pepper. I tossed some oil in the pan which started smoking right away and threw the steaks in that were still kind of cool out of the fridge. The moist steak hit the hot oil and it splattered all over me. I now have these little oil splatter burns on my arm and face that hurt a bit. Steaks ended up tasting delicious though.
Fry on one side for about 2 minutes, fry on other side for about 2 minutes, throw into a 350 degree oven until the inside is the temp I'm looking for.
TL;DR: Wet steaks explode in hot oil and burning hurts.
TorsionFree: Ow. Was the steak at least tasty?
trouphaz: It was delicious! It did make me wonder how I'd taste deep fried though.
TorsionFree: How you'd taste deep fried? Careful there Freud, we don't want to see you back on TIFU so soon ;)
Zavager: YOU DESERVE GOLD TORSION
| 5 | 4.6 | |
1366231917 | 1367519108 | null | t5_2to41 | 35 | awaythrowsredditer: TIFU by almost sending a very naughty photo to my mother via text.
I was sitting across the room from my husband, both of us playing on around on our phones, when I decided it would be a good idea to send him a naughty photo I took for him. I was feeling a little frisky, so I immediately opened up my text message icon and inserted the photo and sent the photo.
I closed the screen and suddenly realized that the last person I texted was my very religious mother instead of my husband. I panicked! I started turning bright red and pacing back and forth in the living room trying to figure out how to undo the text. I sent her a text that read "please delete that, it was meant for [husband]." I explained to my husband what I did and he took my phone from me.
Thank goodness for 3g because the picture hadn't sent yet, so he turned the phone into airplane mode and then deleted the pending text. My mother texted me back about an hour later and asked me what she needed to delete.
My husband still gave me some because he thought it was hilarious that I was trying to turn him on and accidentally sent it to my mom.
TLDR; I sent the naughty picture to my mother instead of husband, still got laid.
ImportantRhino: You didn't almost send it, you did send it
awaythrowsredditer: You're right.
| 3 | 11.666667 | |
1366230607 | 1366314400 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | Locrian_DM: TIFU - By leaving a "marital aid" in the bathroom at eye level
NSFW
This one actually happened last year. My brother was staying the night and went to take a shower in our guest bathroom. I had used said bathroom the day before while my wife was out. Apparently I had left a toy in there (not one of the pointy ones, the one with the places to poke).
So he's brushing his teeth and happens to look to the left. I hear a "huh?" followed by a wet, slopping THUMP, and he then burst into laughter.
He had looked up and saw this thing "staring at him" right before it slid from the soap dish and hit the tub with a "THWACK"
Was almost a lot worse, however, as the in-laws came by the next day. We barely ever use the spare bathroom, so if my brother hadn't found it, they surely would have.
TL;DR - don't leave your silicone lying around your guest bathroom.
RigaudonAS: So, I must ask. Is it a fleshlight?
Locrian_DM: Actually, no, its much larger.
RigaudonAS: Oh.
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1366243460 | 1366342581 | null | t5_2to41 | 72 | upnorth15: TIFU by saying "that guy probably thought I was retarded" without realizing I was surrounded by members of the Special Olympics.
I went to Wendy's and in the process of collecting my order managed to knock over my drink, drop my keys, then drop my sunglasses. When I sat down I said to my friend, "that guy probably thought I was retarded." When I met her eyes she was giving me a look I couldn't comprehend until I looked over and saw a group of people wearing Special Olympics shirts. I don't think I've ever felt so bad.
Applecrap: And then OP discovered that he, too, was wearing a Special Olympics shirt.
DrapeRape: So motherfucking meta
sgt_roflman: Written by M. Night Shyamalan
| 4 | 18 | |
1366262783 | 1366391198 | null | t5_2to41 | 32 | [deleted]: TIFU by pooping in a bag
I needed to shit, toilet was clogged beyond my abilities to unclog, couldn't get to a bathroom in another building, car is broken so I can't drive....so I took two walmart bags and sat down in my room and just shit in one of the bags. It was an awful, burning shit due to the amount of dairy products I've eaten in the last 2 days. It smelled rank, and I had forgotten to open my window prior.
I tied the bag of shit up in another bag after spraying it with frebreeze and sticking a few dryer sheets in with it and took it out to the trash only to return and find my room smelling horrible.
Spray more frebreeze...still won't mask the smell. I've opened the window and turned on a fan, but it's been 20 minutes and I can still smell it. I have no idea what my roommates are going to do in the morning when they find the house smelling like shit.
I got a date coming over tomorrow night and I don't want to get laid in a room that smells like poop. God damn. ANYONE KNOW HOW TO HELP GET RID OF THE SMELL?
TL;DR: I pooped in a bag and now everything smells awful.
windsor81: Try getting the arm &hammer stuff that goes in your carpet. Sprinkle it in the carpet, leave it for like 10 -15 minutes and then vacuum it up. Keep windows open, keep spraying febreeze liberally.
And in my experience with dogs that have shit in the house - chances are the reason it still smells like shit is there is probably still shit somewhere you haven't found. So check the floor, check your clothes, check the fibers of the carpet, whatever and do a very very thorough cleaning.
TurboSexaphonic: Did he...miss the bag or something? Oh god the possibilities.
windsor81: Missed the bag...sprayed the walls...I usually figure if you're desperate enough to shit in a bag, you're probably not passing solid logs.
| 4 | 8 | |
1366243037 | 1366313109 | null | t5_2to41 | 43 | Narwhal-Slayer: TIFU by almost blowing up my bathroom and burning myself.
Today my apartment's cold water had to be turned off due to mysterious reasons. Everything was fine until the moment I was going to take a shower - You know, it's Wednesday, time for my weekly bath. I completely forgot about the lack of cold water, don't ask me how. I was showering normally and thinking about life, the universe, and everything, but I realized something was wrong. I felt a strong smell of something burning, like the smell of a strong incense or of coal burning. I got out of the bathroom, and with the sudden change of temperature I realized how damn hot my shower was. I did not feel how hot the water was while on the bathroom, maybe due to the [boiled frog theory](http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/mt/assets/jamesfallows/TolesFrog.gif), so after leaving the sauna I was in I realized that my body felt like a match being lit. Sorry for the crappy analogy. I then realized that the "burning" smell came from the bathroom's wall; turned out I almost burned the pipes that stored water due to the excessive heat. After such near death experience, I had a second near-death experience when my parents realized that I almost burned my apartment. And all I wanted was having a relaxing shower.
3141592652: I highly doubt you would melt the pipes. They're probably made of copper anyway so nothing would happen.
DrapeRape: She most likely caused the pipes to heat up to such an extent as to cause the wood or whatever material surrounding the pipes to catch (or begin to catch) fire.
Think hot fire poker on a wooden table like [so...](http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=s_Yzrmr9m3M)
3141592652: That's a possibility.
Narwhal-Slayer: Mr. Pi and Mr. DrapeRape (Quite peculiar names indeed), thanks a lot for ~~destroying my amazing story, you bunch of heartless monsters~~ the information! You're probably right
| 5 | 8.6 | |
1366265584 | 1366315278 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | anteriorcruciate: TIFU by donating blood and/or eating macaroni and cheese
I apologize in advance for any formatting errors, I'm on my phone.
Both of my classes today were cancelled, and I wasn't scheduled to work, so I figured I should so something productive with my time and decided to go donate blood. Not a big deal, I'm O- so they get me in there as much as they possibly can.
Donation went fine, no problems there. After I had finished, I went home, had lunch and then headed to the library for a few hours to work on a paper. Finished up, headed home, decided to make myself dinner.
I've had a ton of this boxed off-brand macaroni and cheese sitting around for a while now, and decided to try to get rid of some. Cooked it, ate about a third of it, felt full but nothing out of the ordinary (yet).
My night continued as my friend and I decided to head to our favorite bar to play some cornhole -- their outdoor bar opened up a few weeks ago and there's a killer cornhole scene, if cornhole scenes are even a thing. I was slowly sipping on a bourbon and ginger with no intention of getting drunk, since 1) I have class tomorrow morning and 2) I gave blood this morning so my tolerance is shot to hell. I ended up drinking maybe a quarter of my drink. We stayed for a couple of hours, and the entire time I slowly started to feel sicker and sicker. We finished up our last game, and as we were closing out our tabs at the bar, I burped. It was wet. And tasted like acid mixed with the orange powder stuff that makes shitty mac and cheese oh so delicious. Bad news.
At this point, I warned my friend that it was going to be brain over barf the whole way home, and she reassured me that I could just puke in a bush if worst came to worst. I held it in the entire way back to my apartment, and headed straight for the bathroom once I got in the door. Genius me decided it would be an AWESOME idea to pee beforehand, but my genius colon decided now would be a good time to release some awesome smelling shit as well. The pressure being put on my abdomen from shitting cause me to start to puke, so I immediately hopped up off the toilet and spun around, flushing just in time to smack my forehead into the toilet seat.
I wasn't anticipating the smell. To be fair, I don't know what I WAS expecting since I just witnessed myself shitting into the very same toilet. I finally puked. Unfortunately, whatever demon combination of mac and cheese and shit smell that I was undergoing at the time caused me to projectile vomit so hard that the chunks of puke ricocheted back up to hit me in the face, causing me to puke again.
All in all I paid my respects to the porcelain god for ten minutes before I decided I was good enough to try to go to sleep. I cleaned up, went into the kitchen to get some water, and wandered past my confused roommates and into bed. It took maybe three sips of water before my stomach revolted again, and I went into the bathroom to puke some more.
Currently I'm sitting on the bathroom floor trying to see if it's feasible to even sleep in my bed tonight. I can't go more than two minutes without throwing up (even though I have nothing left TO throw up at this point). So yeah.
TL;DR gave blood, ate mac and cheese, played cornhole, reverse ate mac and cheese out of both ends.
**Edit: but wait, there's more!**
I ended up going to bed right after I posted this (around 2AM I think), but only slept for like an hour before waking up and puking again. Got back into bed, slept for three whole hours this time, and then made the worst mistake I've ever made. (I wish I were making this up.) I was laying on my stomach and the urge to fart appeared. In my sleep-addled mind, I thought "sure, go for it, you've been puking and shitting all night, but definitely trust this fart!"
Bad news again. A foul combination of mostly water and also probably mac and cheese exploded out of my ass. Luckily, I was wearing those shorts that have built in underwear, so the toxic waste was contained and I was able to jump down from my bed and waddle to the bathroom. Shit some more. Puked some more. Took a shower to clean myself up. Finally, around 6:30AM, I went back to sleep. Thankfully, I stayed asleep until 10 minutes ago (3:30PM), missing all of my classes and STILL managing to feel like shit when I woke up. Awesome.
dottmatrix: You got your shit into the toilet? On this sub, we call that a win.
anteriorcruciate: I honestly was impressed with myself, until a few hours later... I edited the original post, things got worse.
dottmatrix: Given the circumstances, the fact that you succeeded one time out of two is still impressive, even if we *do* need to reset the counter now.
| 4 | 30.25 | |
1366292354 | 1366317881 | null | t5_2to41 | 799 | soulruler: TIFU by not talking to my wife
In November we finally moved into our new house that has a man made koi pond in the back. Fast forward to the "spring" (I put that in quotes given how crazy the weather has been in the Northeast) and we decided to clean it out and fix it up, as it hadn't been well maintained in the last year before we moved in. We drained the water from the pond and took out all the fish and put them in a bucket. We kept the water from the pond in the bucket and all the fish were fine (about a dozen or so fish.) I realized that we needed to keep this water in there and that if we switched it with say, tap water, the fish could die. However, I forgot to tell my wife this, who would then convey this information to my mother in law who is staying with us to watch our daughter. Mother in law doesn't speak any English so the only way to communicate is through my wife.
Fast forward to today (well technically yesterday but I didn't get a chance to post this then) and I come home from work and my dad comes over to measure the pond. He then yells out to me, "Hey! All the fish are dead!" I declare "Bullshit!" but then I went over and sure enough, the bucket had become a fish graveyard. A dozen or so fish of various sizes all floating on the top. I also noticed that the water was much cleaner than it was beforehand. Turns out my MIL decided to change the water and apparently the fish couldn't handle it and thus it killed them all. I felt bad because A: My older daughter had started to like to the fish and would watch them and feed them, and B: They survived all fall and winter in the pond only to later die what was probably a rather painful death. Now we have to buy all new fish once we get this pond up and running:
TL;DR: Drained pond and stored fish in bucket. Mother in law changed water because I forgot to tell her not to and ended up killing all our fish.
[deleted]: What language does she speak?
[deleted]: Also that was a very entertaining story.
soulruler: Mandarin. I can do basic communication with her, but mostly I need the wife to translate. I tried learning multiple times but it's just too difficult for me. Self teaching isn't working and I don't have the time/money to go to a college or learning center to learn it.
Updated language (Saying Chinese is vague as that basically means at least 2 separate languages)
trouphaz: have you tried talking louder?
soulruler: No but Google translate works sometimes. I mainly use it to tell her "I will cook dinner" on days when I'm sick and tired of stir fry/meat and veggies in a dough/a combination of the two.
trouphaz: how about adding the "ee" sound to the end of the words? "no put-ee new water in the bucket!" might want to combine the two though for "NO PUT-EE NEW WATER IN BUCKET!" please note that i also dropped the article from the last version. from what i've heard, that makes it more authentic.
Pixielo: Ah yes, the cringe-inducing extra vowel translation system! I once had a boss who thought it was cute to tell Spanish-speaking employees to 'Use the mop-o to wash-o the floor-o.' I eventually quit because it was a really shitty place to work, the rampant racism notwithstanding.
trouphaz: Eww, I say that stuff to my Latina wife as a goof, but that's really obnoxious and racist to say it seriously. I mean, I really hope that people get that I'm attempting a joke and maybe a poor one at that. While I don't care about the internet points, I'm hoping that the downvotes are people thinking my joke was shitty than because they think I'm being a racist.
Pixielo: I thought you were joking, so I definitely didn't take it that way! But yeah...it happens, which is the awful part.
| 10 | 79.9 | |
1366304325 | 1366330797 | null | t5_2to41 | 1 | periodotot: TIFU By Doing
SuperSpaceSloth: I won't downvote you as a protest
periodotot: Nooooooooo. Bu why?
SuperSpaceSloth: As a sort of educational measure. You wont get everything you ask for.
Didnt expect that, hm?
*Feeling like a total badass now*
periodotot: Thanks for the upboat though.
| 5 | 0.2 | |
1366308554 | 1366334409 | null | t5_2to41 | 98 | troehwehh: TIFU-by being honest with my girlfriend at the worst possible time
Last night, my girlfriend and I were crawling into bed. It had been a long day for the both of us and she had just gotten off her period, so we're both looking forward to the sex. I start by going down on her, as per usual. Everything is going fine, and eventually I can tell she's about to come. (when she comes, she comes *hard.* We need to put a towel down, folded over multiple times, and it often ends up being soaked through.) So she starts to come, but it doesn't taste the way it usually does, there's something strange going on, and the words just pop into my head, "it tastes like piss." I try to keep going but it eventually just became too much. I bring my head up, she asks me what's the matter, and without even thinking about what to say it just came out, "your cum tastes like piss tonight."
She turns away and curls up, "I don't think I want to have sex tonight." I try to make it better, no luck.
Now she's really self conscious, I can't go down on her again any time in the near future without her feeling uncomfortable, I completely ruined the mood and I feel like I just threw a wrench in the spokes of our sex life. I literally could have said *anything else* and it would have been better. But right there, at that particularly vulnerable moment, I just went and shoved my foot in my mouth. So here I sit, in front of the computer feeling worse and more sexually frustrated than I have in a looong time, hoping that you nice internet strangers can empathize or advise.
someguythen: Her problem, not yours.
phartnocker: no.... no, this definitely sounds like a problem for him.
someguythen: I'd much prefer my partner be honest with me, even about the gross stuff. Life isn't always flowers and it's not like I'd ridicule or make fun of her.
phartnocker: What you'd prefer and what creates a problem for you usually are polar opposites.
Source: been married for 15 years... With my wife for 23 years.
| 5 | 19.6 | |
1366313622 | 1366322878 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | Throwaway763925: TIFU Might get expelled and will be watched for the rest of my life.
So a few days ago in last period we were just hanging out in the art room waiting for dismissal. Since I am the one who usually says random things to see peoples reaction (not to hurt anyone's feelings). I come up with the genius idea of going halfway across the room and sitting at the teachers table (only 10 kids in class so half the tables are empty) and saying I want to be a hitman or assassin. She says why and I say because my name implies it and she says "Then you should be a butcher". Then I say "No it means mass murder and that's what assassins do" then she says "OK... You know I have to tell the principal right?" and then I knew I was screwed so I just accepted it.
So the next day I go to first period and within a minute of me getting their security gets me and takes me to the principals office. I was in their for an hour and they searched and questioned me. I thought I was off the hook since we only talked about the incident for 5 minutes they left for half an hour (probably to search my locker and car), came back and said to not say things like that and sent me back to class.
Now that I got home my mom called and said the principal wants my mental health evaluated. I don't think I will be able to stay in school because I said this when tensions in the country are high.
**TL:DR - Don't say stupid things hoping to get reactions.**
ATerribleUsername: I really hope you learned your lesson. Saying dumb shit to get a reaction is so fucking childish and stupid.
thedarksalmon: No, saying dumb shit to get a reaction is the basis of comedy. I happen to like comedians, and they say some fucked up shit... But yeah, in a school setting he done goofed.
ATerribleUsername: There is a marked difference between saying dumb shit to get a reaction when the desired reaction is a laugh in the right context and place, and saying dumb shit to shock people in the wrong setting.
Comedy is timing. There was no timing in this.
thedarksalmon: I agreed with you dude... Take that hostility down a couple notches.
| 5 | 13 | |
1366311102 | 1366339613 | null | t5_2to41 | 41 | onecharmingschmuck: TIFU by not using spell check.
For the past month or so I've been on the job hunt so I've been attaching an electronic copy of my resume to every job I've applied at. When I went to make some revisions today spellcheck notified me that I had misspelled "knowledgeable", so I've been sending out my resume to companies throughout my city with a huge glaring error on it.
[deleted]: You can't just post this and not tell us how you spelled it
onecharmingschmuck: I believe I spelled it "knowledgable"
sgt_roflman: Only a grammar nazi would notice...I hope
| 4 | 10.25 | |
1366307808 | 1366385258 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU by almost loosing a horse.
So I was out on the trails with my old riding instructor and a couple kids and a friend of mine. The kids were on two ponies that could care less about where they were going. They just plod along at their own pace.
The riding instructor walked along with them and my friend and I were bareback on two other horses. The horses we rode were two show horses used for a college so they basically never go out on the trails. For some reason, my old instructor thought it'd be great to down to the creek because it was hot and it'd be fun to play in it. It doesn't matter that she has never been down there before, or know the trail to get there, but we go anyways.
My horse was getting antsy by the time we finally got down to the creek and he wanted nothing to do with the water. By that time, I'm getting nervous because I hate being bareback and I decide to switch horses with my best friend. Big mistake.
I get on that horse, and the horse (a mare) is sweating like crazy and also wants nothing to do with the creek or the trails. So we finally decided to leave and I'm leading the way and she is picking up on my being nervous and just starts dancing/trotting. Usually in that circumstance of them wanting to take off with you, you try to circle them.
So I do that and she finds this as a perfect opportunity to go right off the trail, up an overgrown hill that isn't even part of the trail. She just stuck her head down and plowed up it. I fell off because how low hanging the trees were and she was so slippery. I just sat there watching her continued plowing and trot off.
Worst part was knowing that she had never been on these trails before, most the time the trail was completely overgrown and a good mile or two away from the actual farm, etc.
After watching that happen, we decided we couldn't do much and just headed back to the farm. The kids kept repeating that they couldn't believe that I lost the horse, and what would happen if we couldn't find her.
Finally we got back to the barn after walking back and I helped the kids while my old instructor went up to a different barn trying to find the horse. She wasn't at our barn so she figured she'd look at the other barn/pastures to see if she was around there.
10 minutes later, here comes my old instructor leading that dang horse. Apparently, she some how made her way all the way back, went past our barn, past some pastures, past the riding arena, past the other barn, past the parking lot, down the drive and took a left into her open pasture and began eating the grass. Another person driving down past the pastures caught a glimpse of the open gate and a horse eating with it's bridle on, so she thought that was a little fishy.
I have no idea how she managed to do all that but I'm glad she did.
Kezia89: My god...
How big do you have to be to loose a horse?!
RileyDestroyedTokyo: Lose*
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1366319969 | 1366356066 | null | t5_2to41 | 881 | [deleted]: TIFU by having my ass explode at work...at my desk.
So here I am minding my own business at work when a feel the need to let out a little squeaker. Didn't feel abnormal and I had no rumblings of the tummy, but when I pushed it felt, different, not sure what was going on I ventured further into the unknown and bam...my ass let loose a torrent of liquid shit that would rival the mightiest of rivers. Needless to say one of my best suites is pretty much ruined, half the office smells like shit and I hung up on what could have been a really good client. Luckily, nobody knows I was the culprit and being an independent insurance agent I immediately left the office so I could keep it that way. I drove home naked from the waist down. I just couldn't sit in it.
**TL;DR** Shit out the Amazon at work and drove home half naked.
dottmatrix: Reset the counter... again...
googie_g15: Can we even get through one day? Get your shit together guys.
Hellrazor236: [07] hours without an accident.
Godolin: >accident.
SPYRO6988: assident*
| 6 | 146.833333 | |
1366326115 | 1366341992 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | MadSocietyKing: TIFUpdate by wishing someone the happiest birthday possible
Well Reddit, it's been a long time hasn't it. Well guess what? She still hasn't said a damn thing to me. I sent one apology letter per week, but to no avail. I quit. I give up trying. She'll reply if she really wants to tak to me, and if she never does, then she never cared. That's my ending to this fuck up.
Kevin16900: Link to original please?
calis: [It wasn't really that hard to find](http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1b31qf/tifu_by_wishing_someone_the_happiest_birthday/)
Kevin16900: Thanks. I'm on mobile so it would have been much harder.
| 4 | 3 | |
1366337535 | 1366348503 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | Bemy_Gunshot: TIFU by lending me phone to my girlfriend.
EDIT: Lending *my* phone. Sorry.
I'm in college. Yesterday in art class there were some high school girls talking with the professor. They were kind of good looking. So, as the dumb man that I am, I texted a friend telling him about these girls with the meme picture "DAT ASS" attached.
I think you guys know where this is going.
Today she had an hour without class and she was going to wait for me so we could go to my place and watch a movie. She asked me for my phone, so that she wouldn't get bored. Her phone is a Nokia. Again, as the dumb man that I am, I gave it to her. We jokingly agreed that she would not look at my messages. At this point I didn't even remember about those messages.
Well, she made a drama about it after class. Saying that she didn't want to be my girlfriend anymore. I tried to talk her...when suddenly, I DON'T KNOW WHY THE FUCK I DID IT, but I let out an "I love you". We've been together for 3 months. This apparently didn't help. AT ALL. She told me to go fuck myself.
I really care about this girl, after all we've shared together, I can actually say that I love her, and I don't want to lose her over this stupidity of mine.
TL;dr: Girlfriend saw messages saying that I was checking some girls' ass, I said I loved her, was told to go fuck myself.
nabgi: I hate girls like this. I am sorry she is being this way. :( my gender disappoints me a lot.
Bemy_Gunshot: I mean, I fucked up too, right? I shouldn't have texted that to my friend, nor should I have given my phone to her for so much time. God, I feel awful...
nabgi: I think it was the way I was raised with two older brothers. Guys will always look at other ladies. Girls look at other guys. As long as you don't act on it, it shouldn't be a problem.
I can *understand* her being so upset, because you're suppose to be devoted to her and only her since yall are in a relationship, but she doesn't understand males yet and/or wants that fantasy male that doesn't exist... :c
Just give her a day or two and try talking to her again. Tell her you wouldn't touch another girl. Tell her you just like asses, but compliment her. "Their asses were nice but yours is the best." things like that. It's all you can do.
Do not feel so bad about it. I feel as if she OVERLY reacted.
Bemy_Gunshot: I wish somebody would tell her this. I seriously don't want to lose her! Thank you for your time, kind miss, I think I'm just gonna get drunk now.
nabgi: Enjoy your alcohol ;3
Bemy_Gunshot: Some douchebag downvoted your comments for whatever reason. You've been of great confort to me, so I upvoted all of your comments. Thanks a lot for your words.
| 7 | 9.285714 | |
1366333411 | 1366520081 | null | t5_2to41 | 59 | cockpimples: TIFU by attempting to ged rid of a zit... on my penis
I first noticed it yesterday. I have no idea what it could have been from, but there it was: A penis pimple. It was about mid-shaft and had a white head. Naturally my first instinct was to pop it like any other pimple. Bad idea. The white did not come out and the redness only got worse. I poured some rubbing alcohol on it and went about my day. I saw it again this morning. I didn't want to do anything about it then because I had to get to school, and it would be awkward to say "Dad, I can't go to school today because my dick is bleeding," so I ended up putting some benzoyl peroxide on it and went about my day. It didn't seem to hurt very bad at school, so I thought that maybe it had gone away. When I got home I watched some TV and then I went to take a shower. I saw that little bastard again. Same place, and it looked about the same as it did yesterday. I decided that enough was enough, and that I was going to get rid of this thing, once and for all. When I got out of the shower, I went into the other bathroom, where the alcohol is stored, and prepared the final solution. I took out a sewing kit that we keep in one of the drawers, pulled out a needle, and sterilized it with the alcohol. I ran the needle through the head of the pimple, to no avail. I did it again, this time from the other side, but no success. I ended up squeezing it to try and get all the gross stuff out of there, but that only made it worse. It started bleeding. A lot. I ended up getting in the shower and pouring more alcohol on it, and that's when it really stung. I tried to get the excess alcohol off of the sore but I only ended up spreading it around and made the rest of my cock burn. I used hydrogen peroxide on it next. I put it on a Qtip and rubbed it all over the wound. It bubbled and still stung from the alcohol. I am now lying on the floor of my room, my dick still stinging, and praying to every single deity that this will not cause permanent damage. I don't think I'll be masturbating anytime soon.
**I dun goof'd**
studentthrowaway1: Dont worry man! this shit happened to me a loooong time ago! HAHA! nice to know I'm not the only one who tried to pop one of those things. Wait a couple months before trying to pop it again...seriously, they pop, but they have to keep ripening:)
[theMoreYouKnow](http://i.imgur.com/QHsHU.gif)
44Cobra44: Risky click.
ImgurRouletteBot: Risky click? Try this randomly generated [imgur link](http://i.imgur.com/YoAGWne.jpg). (*possibly* ***NSFW***)
TreeBase: What a risky click!
ImgurRouletteBot: Risky click? Try this randomly generated [imgur link](http://i.imgur.com/gQIXszG.jpg). (*possibly* ***NSFW***)
ThingkingWithPortals: perfect sides of the spectrum.
| 7 | 8.428571 | |
1366336834 | 1366401416 | null | t5_2to41 | 538 | kristafer825: TIFU by spilling boiling water on my boob
I am 5'2". A lot of standard household activities involve standing on my tip toes, or at least getting a chair. I have always wished I was taller, but guys always tell me they prefer short over tall, so we'll go with that.
Now imagine little old me, just innocently making dinner for myself in the kitchen, dancing to some classic tunes in my socks. I'm mixing together my mac n cheese (yeah, it's Kraft - so what if I'm 24 and can't grow out of an old addiction?) while waiting for my green beans in the microwave to cook. Both of my dogs are at my feet, watching my every move hoping for the tiniest ground score. Then the microwave dings, signaling the moment of truth.
I stand on my tip toes to reach the microwave (because some genius thought it would be a good idea to put a microwave 5 feet off the ground) when all of a sudden my not so little Rottweiler / Lab mix gets excited about something he saw fall to the ground and bumps my leg. My foot slips out from underneath me and the movement causes the almost boiling water to spill out from the lip of the bowl, *right onto my boob*.
I stand there for a moment, because I know the dogs are under me and I don't want to spill it on them as well, but I don't know what to do with the bowl. I have migrated to the middle of the kitchen in the chaos and for some reason I can't quite grasp the idea that I should put down the bowl and take care of myself. So I am standing there, letting the hot water soak into my clothes, through my bra, and onto my skin. It hurts pretty damn good.
Eventually I get the brilliant idea to put the bowl down and get the hot water off my skin, so I take my shirt off to assess the damage. I can't see anything through my bra so I start to take it off when all of a sudden - in walks my roommate's boyfriend. Yeah, talk about the ultimate deer in the headlights moment.
I quickly cover myself, running to my bedroom and cursing my stupidity all the while. My tit is blistering, I am in a lot of pain, and I probably won't live this one down for a while.
spankthepunkpink: ouch! have a soothing upvote :-)
kristafer825: Aww why thank you. Aloe Vera maybe?
AZ2CA2OR: Blistered boobies suck. Yes to aloe vera.
kristafer825: Boobies blistered :(
AZ2CA2OR: Well, I hope you can find a way to be comfortable for a couple of days. I would imagine a bra is gonna be righteously unpleasant to wear for a while.
kristafer825: Finally! An excuse to go without one.
Teeklin: Wait, you need an excuse?
kristafer825: I am 34DD so yes.
RayzorRomance: I hear that. 36D and I wear mine all around the house, even if I don't leave
kristafer825: And I always think that I have it bad. What I wouldn't give for the money for breast reductive surgery...
RayzorRomance: I hear that. They told me they'd be considerably smaller once I had a child.. they lied.. oh did they ever lie.
kristafer825: My mom's shrunk significantly so I think it just depends on the person. I don't think I'll ever have kids so I'll probably never know. Sorry about the back pain I am sure you have!
RayzorRomance: Thanks, I also have scoliosis.. so my spine twists.. pregnancy was horrible..
Just be thankful for what'chu got :)
| 14 | 38.428571 | |
1366337018 | 1366381808 | null | t5_2to41 | 82 | sonicx2218: TIFU By Showing Off for the past 2 years
I'm Italian, yet the whitest kid in my family. I discovered awhile back that I never sunburn, no matter what. I also don't tan very easily either. I would go with friends to outside festivals or concerts without sunscreen on, and by the end my friends would be all burnt and I'd be completely fine. I did this for about 2 years, that is until I was diagnosed with Lupus. Luckily it's not the deadly kind, and it's only present on parts of my skin (not systemic). HOWEVER, I'm basically allergic to the sun. For the past 2 years I've essentially been making my body destroy & repair itself repeatedly. I was dumb...not sure when I'll experience the repercussions for all that but it's probably gonna suck. Remember kids, if you have a unique physical trait, it may just be a deadly disease. Also wear sunscreen and don't be a ginger or you're gonna burn.
TL;DR: Exploited my inability to get sunburns, turned out I was "allergic" to the sun and was destroying my body.
borediswhyimhere: Yes Mr. Costanza. You have Lupus.
EnragedAardvark: BUt...It's never lupus!
| 3 | 27.333333 | |
1366341570 | 1366345385 | null | t5_2to41 | 298 | wergerfebt: TIFU by having nose sex with Satan without proper protection
I'm enjoying a good ol' Italian Beef my mom cooked up, and being me, I like jalapenos and giardiniera and shit on my beef. FAST FORWARD 10 MINUTES: I finish my fantastic meal of deliciousness when I get a nose itch. I decide to wipe my hands on my jeans and give it a quick deep scratch, as I was in my room and no one was watching. FUCK UP NUMERO UNO - I got jalapeno all up in my nose. Now, this shit stung like a motherfucker. It felt as if the devil decided to go to town on my nose without buying it dinner first. I blew my nose practically 20 times to try to get the fiery demon out of my naval cavity, but to no avail. I needed something to cure this pain ASAP. FUCK UP NUMERO DOS - I squirted milk from a baby boodle into my nose to cure the pain. THE PAIN DID NOT CEASE! It merely got worse! Its 30 minutes later now, and my milky-fire-snots have not stopped!
TL;DR - I spent 5 minutes writing that shit so read it you lazy fuck!
EDIT - spelling, but fuck it. Naval, anal, boodle, poodle - you got the idea
ossy102: best TL:DR ever.
terminaljive: Best post name ever.
| 3 | 99.333333 | |
1366339351 | 1367932200 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | BurpleNurple: TIFU by trailing blood all down my new school's sidewalk
TL;DR: I stubbed my toe in the darkness and bled all over my school, and now I have to pretend it's not my blood every time I walk from class to class.
Here's some backstory for you all. My current girlfriend and I are in secret from our school, other than for a few people. She's an actress, and I sing. We both are participating in our school's annual talent show.
So a few days ago, we were at rehearsal. We're all sitting through the bad acts, waiting for our own performances, when my mother calls. She asks me to walk down to the other building to grab a book my little brother left in his locker.
So, eager to spend a few minutes alone with my girlfriend (no, not like *that*, it's just that hiding a relationship is hard), I asked her if she'd walk down with me. It would only take 5 minutes to walk down and back up, I said.
So, my school has a uniform, and for rehearsal, I had packed clothes into which I could change. Of course, I forgot shoes. Unwilling to wear my school (uncomfortable) shoes, and very willing to seize the opportunity to be barefoot, I went shoe-less that evening. But back to the story.
I'm in a very good mood, maybe because I'm with this girl, so I'm skipping down the sidewalk and down the stairs to our building. I vaguely remember stubbing my toe and thinking nothing of it.
We reach the building, and try the side door: locked. Front door: locked. Other side door: unlocked. So we walk in, parade down the first hallway, cross into another, and walk halfway down the third when I looked down and saw the blood. I was practically standing in a pool of blood. Okay, mild hyperbole, but I was bleeding pretty profusely. And, even worse, I had trailed blood all across the carpet and tile.
I stop my girlfriend, show her the blood, and start hopping to the locker rooms to rinse off my toe and grab some paper towels. Remember, the building is totally empty, seeing as it's eight o'clock or so. So I grab wet paper towels and take care of wrapping up my foot properly (AND putting on shoes I'd left in the locker room). Then, we get to cleaning all the blood spots.
Alone, we spend about ten-fifteen minutes cleaning up each individual toe-shaped blood print from the carpet. Then, once satisfied with our job (and after grabbing my brother's darned book), we walk outside. I figure this is fate, even though I don't really believe in fate. I rarely get alone time with her, and we'd never kissed. If I didn't seize this opportunity now, I knew I'd regret it.
So halfway up the few flights of steps outside, I stop and hug her under the pretext of needing to catch my breath, since I was running in joy. After I caught my breath a few moments later, I tilted my head up and whispered,
"I'm going to regret so much tonight if I don't do this...," and I'm going to kiss her, but her face was so close I just got so scared. Keep in mind I'm an awkward fucking penguin and have never kissed anyone. Then I bury my face in her chest as she said,
"What, not kissing me?" And I'm just like, "I'm scared," giggling in the night. Then I say,
"No regrets," and I look up, and she's already looking up at me, and then it just happened.
I haven't gotten to the fuck-up part, yet. After the peck, we walked back up to the original building. At this point, our teacher claimed we were "eaten by wolves" and our friend was out looking for us. We realized what it looked like. I quickly pulled out my foot and showed anyone who questioned what we were doing outside, in the darkness, for 20 minutes, the bloody toe. But wait. There's more.
The next day, as I'm walking from class to class, I see a FUCKING *TRAIL OF BLOOD* from one building to the other. I see middle school girls pointing and starting in fear. I hear people asking,
"WHOSE BLOOD IS THAT!?"
I, in response, poker face. I now have to face the trail of blood every time I walk to a class. The trail of shame. My fucking lord. TIFU.
Reerrzhaz: And no one who works at the school comments...?? My confusion level: Maximum.
BurpleNurple: Comment about what? Apparently some teacher went on a rant about how students can no longer drink coffee in the school building because "someone spilled coffee all down the hallway carpet."
Canonex: She was actually talking about coffee. I saw the coffee that she was talking about.
BurpleNurple: Random comment...
Canonex: So what?
BurpleNurple: Did you finish your paper?
Canonex: With your help.
BurpleNurple: MUAHAHAH!
| 9 | 2.555556 | |
1366345054 | 1366491644 | null | t5_2to41 | 64 | [deleted]: TIFU by wounding my asscrack. [nsfw]
I was in the shower at my boyfriends apartment, and bent down to wash my feet. Underestimated the distance between my ass and the faucet. Totally busted my ass on the little part that you pull up to turn the shower on. I screamed and my hand flew to my ass in pain, then almost fell so I grabbed the wall to balance myself. Noticed that there was blood. Got out, terrified, and checked it out in the mirror. Apparently, I scratched it against the little thing, and a layer of flesh about the size of a dime is now missing from my ass crack. And it fucking hurts.
tl;dr be careful where you bend
KylePsy: This is probably going to be super painful when you have to take a dump. Good luck with that.
[deleted]: I don't even want to think about that. It hurts with every single step I take. And god forbid I sit down.
capriciousMessiah: So, you're saying that you're walking funny?
[deleted]: To make matters worse, I walked into a box today at work, and got a nice cut right under my right eye. Im a walking disaster.
| 5 | 12.8 | |
1366338402 | 1366353285 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | poopfax: TIFU by agreeing to have an open relationship with the GF.
I don't know what I was thinking. We live in separate states right now. She asks me if I want to date while I'm over here, and I say no. Then she goes on to say that if I wanted to do it, she'd rather I do it now, while we're apart. So, like the dumbass I am, I say OK, let's have an open relationship, but I'm coming home to you.
Well, at this stage, she's still supportive. It's when I tell her a day later that I made out with a girl that it all blows up in my face.
So, not really a TIFU, but In Life IFU.
KylePsy: The hall pass is a trap!
terminaljive: For real. But any girl that agrees to an open relationship and then turns around and throws it in your face isn't a major loss, in my book.
MorbidMongoose: Yep. There shouldn't be games played in a relationship. No tricks, no bullshit.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1366345181 | 1370227011 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,812 | SaveGarrett: TIFU by accidentally piercing my dick
So I'm a high school English teacher and I'm in the middle of teaching the trial scene from TKAMB when the zipper on my pants just splits open. Luckily, I'm holding my book so I make my way to my desk and grab a folder and tell my students that I forgot to deliver a very important message and ill be back shortly. I run to the room next door, tell the teacher what happened, she laughs at me but agrees to cover my class. I go to the nurse's office to get some safety pins to fix my pants. Fast forward a bit, I'm in the bathroom trying to safety pin my pants closed so you can't see the gaping hole of my fly being undone. I'm sweating a shit ton and starting to get nervous that ill never fix these pants in time for my next class. After about 20 minutes of failed attempts I give it one last go. I grab the two ends, pull them together real tight, and then shove the safety pin through. I finally got it this time, although I got more than my pants. I pushed the pin too hard and it went through my pants, through my underwear, and into the right side of the head of my penis.
I went home early.
kyline2: I can't help but think that it would have been quite prudent to take the pants off before attempting to push a safety pin through them.
benoliver999: Captain Hindsight to the rescue.
MichaelThorsett: I should make a novelty account called Captain Hindsight.
Or someone else should; I'm so lazy it'll never happen.
Captain_Hindsight_o: I have been summoned to SAVE THE DAY!!
*Cue theme music* TO THE HINDSIGHT CAVE!!!!
blahguy28740: No, that'd be Hindsight Man. Pick a new base.
Captain_Hindsight_o: In afterthought, I should have realized that. Perhaps that's why we awkwardly shared a bed last night...
Ronry: So, about that guy in '11...
| 8 | 226.5 | |
1366330581 | 1366504076 | null | t5_2to41 | 13 | cranstonj9: TIFU by sounding like a rapist to a freshman
This girl and I are getting close to making out at a school competition. So i hint that i'd like to, and eventually we get to that point. She tells me then that she doesnt want to make out because someone at her school today got in trouble for it. I then combine two different sentences in my head and tell her that maybe she doesnt have a choice. Turns out she was a freshman. i'm a junior.
Epikmunch: Elaborate please
cranstonj9: did you even read it..?
Epikmunch: I did, but I didn't really understand, That could have easily come across as a joke. That and what's the big deal about grade level? (I'm not American)
cranstonj9: a freshman like her is usually 14, or 15 towards the end of the year, while a junior like me is usually 16 or 17. It was just really awkward because she was younger than i thought, and she was really creeped out by that...
Epikmunch: ahhh ok Yeah sorry for the misunderstanding
cranstonj9: you didnt know not your fault brethren
| 7 | 1.857143 | |
1366350845 | 1366387930 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | kawika219: TIFU by taking a shower
I'm a 6' tall 250lbs college senior. I went to go take a shower when I woke up. After I turned on the water, I noticed that the tub was extra slippery due to a bottle of shampoo conditioner that fell. I tried to "scrub" the conditioner off of the tub with my feet. I began to slip, and I struggled to catch myself for about 2 seconds. Next thing I know, my feet completely slipped from under me, my arms flailed, and my 250lbs body was falling. I landed on my ass with all my weight and created an alarmingly loud thud that probably woke up my neighbors. I stood up and realized that I bruised my tailbone and my elbow.
Because of this lovely early morning incident, I was not able to attend my morning ping pong class. I used up my "free" absence because I fell in the shower. The next time I fall, I lose 10pts. off of my grade.
EVILGR33NRNGR: Wait, wait, wait there are fuckin ping pong classes???Like a college course for muthafuckin ping pong ?!?!?!? I. Am. In. The. Wrong. Fuckin. College.
kawika219: There are a bunch of physical activity courses. Just easy A's to boos your GPA
| 3 | 5 | |
1366377739 | 1366394560 | null | t5_2to41 | 57 | wibbles825: TIFU by talking about an ex in the shower with my current girlfriend
She asked about it, as she had heard a little bit about it from a mutual friend. I then proceded to give her detailed accounts of what happened with this past relationship, both sexual and non-sexual, only to get a brief response of, "oh, hmm, okay." I fucked up, dont EVER talk about an ex with your current lady friend while naked in the shower together. It didn't wind up being too fun following that discussion, but all is well now. I made too big of a deal out of it and I was not thinking right, wound up saying the wrong thing in the wrong place.
TurboSexaphonic: I think this needs a little more context. What was the nature of the conversation about the ex? When did she ask, in the shower as well?
wibbles825: She had spoken to a friend who dated this person. I was just insensitive and started blabbing about how i really liked this girl and that we had a complicated, tense past. My current girlfriend called me out and told me why the hell would I would bring this up in such depth in a somewhat romantic/sexual setting. She claimed that there were subconscious connections between how i felt and why I decided to bring it up then and there
TurboSexaphonic: This explains things a lot better. And unfortunately now emphasizes that today you fucked up. Also it does kinda sound like you're still attached to the memory, whether you acknowledge it or not.
wibbles825: Yeah, I mean my point in the end was to get across why I have no interest in this person anymore (I learned truly how shitty they were as a person) because it WAS a major point in my past.
jarwastudios: If it makes you feel any better I think she's overreacting a bit. Maybe if you stopped sexual advances to talk about it, but fuck, it's a shower. I don't know many people who find shower sex to be anything more than a pain the ass anyways, let alone a "romantic" or sexual setting. Naked doesn't always have to mean sexual. My wife and I have talked about whatever whenever, even talked about exes during post sexy time pillow talk since we've met. It's part of being completely open with each other, and from my perspective, you didn't do anything wrong.
And to touch on being hung up on the memory, that's ok. You can be a little hung up on memories, they're important, they shape us, and should be able to be talked about, passionately or not, without fear of retribution over them. She should be able to recognize that what you're saying about being moved on is what counts, and that sometimes, the sting of a memory never quite goes away.
| 6 | 9.5 | |
1366380528 | 1366573549 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | Hypercyde: TIFU by poisoning my dog
Alright, so earlier today I was eating some chocolate chips because I'm too lazy to buy chocolate from a store. Anyway I eat about half the bag and leave it on my nightstand to go meet some friends. I came home about 3 hours later and see that the bag of chocolate is empty and on the floor. I pick it up and throw it away, thinking my brother ate them. After that I decided to get some water, and what do I see on the kitchen floor? I see brown liquid covering the entire floor. It smelled like someone died in there. As I run away, I notice my dog panting and whimpering. That was when I realized i had poisoned my dog. With a half bag of semi-sweet chocolate at that. I get my mom and told her what happened, she calls the vet and they say my dog will have to stay overnight, no problem, except that my dog spews vomit whenever you try to move her. So now I'm stuck with a house that smells like shit and my dog is keeping me awake. Today I Fucked Up.
tl:dr I ate a bag of chocolate chips, dog ate half of it. Dog throws up in kitchen. House now smells like shit and can't move the damn animal because she throws up whenever she moves.
TurboSexaphonic: Good god I hope you ended up bringing the dog to the vet instead of leaving it somewhere to vomit all night. She might throw up when you move her, but its necessary :(
skatterbug: Agreed. It sounds like that dog might be in some trouble. According to [this](http://www.dogownersdigest.com/news/library/chocolate-dog-poisoning.shtml) semi-sweet chocolate is toxic at 0.3 oz per pound of body weight. 1/3 of a lb would be toxic to a 10 lb dog.
Take her to the vet and worry about the puke later.
Hypercyde: We took her to the vet, they say she'll live but she will be sick for a while. Thankfully she's a fairly large dog (50 lbs). She also has to spend the night there.
skatterbug: That's good news! I'm glad she's going to be OK!
Blackmatrix: When I saw the name of the post I was sad.
Now I'm happy again :D
| 6 | 7 | |
1366389120 | 1366412130 | null | t5_2to41 | 320 | Pathfinder09: TIFU by accidentally flying 20 feet in the air.
Ok so a little background first:
I am the head of Set Construction/ Running Crew for my school's technical theater club. Right now we are building the set for Chicago:The Musical. We have these things called "flys", which are weighted ropes that control bars running across the ceiling of the stage which we use to hang things from.
Back to the Fuck up:
There is a huge screen that the school usually uses for various assemblies as a projection screen for power points, presentations, etc.. We had to take the screen off to use the bar for our Proscenium, or border surrounding the stage. Anyways, we get to the rope and it is incredibly weighted, making it difficult to lower and nearly impossible to raise. It took 2 grown men plus 4 high school students just to get it all the way to the ground. Once we get the screen off, everyone else begins to attach the border to the bar. My genius self thinks "Oh, let me raise the bar to get it out of their way." So I walk over to the lock which is holding the bar in place, unlock it, grab hold of the rope, and immediately shoot 20 feet into the air. I am literally dangling 2 stories up on nothing but a rope. My friends rush over to help lower the rope I was hanging on and get me down safely, but my hand got wicked ropeburn from me gripping the rope so tightly:
http://imgur.com/qTqcZpc [1]
TL;DR - Ended up being suspended 20 feet in the air, holding on to a rope for dear life.
downhillcarver: That's an awesome story, dude, you must have a good grip and good reflexes! Most people would have either lost their grip instantly, or had a bad reflex and let go once they were 15ft in the air!
Pathfinder09: I was too shocked to even realize what had happened. Once I was in the air, I just thought "Shit, this isn't good!". Also, instead of immediately rushing over to help, one of my friends just pulls out his phone to take a picture.
DjManEX: Yeah.. we're gonna need that picture.
Pathfinder09: He didn't manage to take one because I yelled "JAMES PUT THE FUCKING PHONE DOWN AND HELP ME!"
DjManEX: You couldn't take one for the team? Haha just kidding, glad you're safe.
| 6 | 53.333333 | |
1366415924 | 1366567838 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,089 | lidekstoker: TIFU by using my own shit as a glove
Today I hung out with some friends, one of which was a newly acquainted (fairly attractive) fellow. The others were two good friends and a best friend. Everything was cool, we were having fun. Me being the socially awkward of the group, sat and played video games rather than talk and be a normal human.
All was well and good... then it hit me, the two large cups of Bojangles sweet tea that is. And of course, being the classiest of ladies, I got up to take a massive shit. Went and found the bathroom and got down to business. Turns out, it was more massive than I thought. My thoughts? "Shit, that's a lot of shit". Disregarding the copious amount of fecal matter, I flushed anyway. Worst decision i have made in my life. And unsurprisingly, I clogged that bitch. Frantically searching for a plunger and to no avail did I find one. Not wanting to tell my friends what I had done and having them ridicule me, I improvised. The next best thing I could find was an empty toilet paper roll. Next thing I new was that I was wrist deep in my own waste, hurriedly digging with my new found tool.
Good news? Got the toilet unclogged without anyone knowing what happened. Bad news? My hand to my forearm was coated in feces and urine.
TL;DR I clogged a guys toilet, and rather than embarrassing myself and asking for a plunger, i took matters into my own hands... literally.
FeuEau: >Being the classiest of ladies
Certainly the times have changed in the last few hours! Back in my day (yesterday), a classy lady would ask for a plunger!
[deleted]: back in my day girls didn't poop. I want to stay in that day
fiercelyfriendly: Back in my day, the concept of a girl being able to share a story of being up to her arms in crap, and sharing it for the world to read would be incomprehensible. Being in my late fifties, is a blessing and a curse. Stories like this are so conflicting, I want to giggle and laugh but I remember my parents views on such things. So I hold back the laughter, successfully. For about ten seconds. Then giggle. My wife says "what are you laughing at?" It gets hard to explain.
[deleted]: "nothing hunny, just girls pooping on the internet again"
Rivoch: http://i.imgur.com/Mabh4.gif
ShadowBlade69: I have this .gif saved, but have never has a chance to use it :( I never understand any references.
geminimiche: PLEASE do not encourage the trolls.
ZeroError: What? Did you comment in the wrong place?
geminimiche: No, I just meant when someone doesn't get a reference, there's no shortage of people rushing in to help by way of a link... and this particular one is horrifying.
ZeroError: But that's not trolling.
geminimiche: I guess, if they are truly being helpful. I'll concede your point on that. But I'll also ask you to consider the odds that someone would supply the reference of girls pooping on the internet with no other motive than to be 'helpful' on the TIFU sub.
| 12 | 90.75 | |
1366418480 | 1366525026 | null | t5_2to41 | 126 | gutterbaby: Tifu by leaving an entire 15 inch pizza on my kitchen counter three days after putting my dog on a diet.
I recently had to cut back on how much I was feeding my dog because he had put on a lot of weight over the winter. In the spring and summer he usually spends a great deal of time running in the yard and playing frisbee so it's not a big deal. But, in my neck of the woods the weather has been awful and we haven't been able to play outside since November.
Today I ordered a 15 inch pizza from Dominos with Philly Steak and tomatoes. After grabbing the pizza, I left the box on my kitchen counter while I went to pee. I returned less than 90 seconds later. The box was still on the counter, with the lid propped slightly up. It was completely empty. At first I was confused, thinking that I had somehow misplaced my pizza, but then I noticed a swipe of tomato sauce and Philly steak on the floor. I ran out to my living room where my dog was sitting with one slice of pizza left overturned in front of him.
I was shocked, and angry that my dog had manage to eat my lunch, dinner, and breakfast/fifteen dollars worth of pizza in less than three minutes. He's never done anything like this.
Now not only am I hungry, I have to clean my deck off in the freezing cold because my dog squirted diarrhea all over it because he couldn't make it to the backyard in time.
Ristantay: Did you eat the last piece of pizza?
gutterbaby: No, but I won't lie. I definitely inspected it to see if it was still edible.
There was dog hair on it.
davychew: Almost nothing in my house manages to escape having dog/cat hair on it, including food. :( I probably would have eaten it!
| 4 | 31.5 | |
1366420667 | 1366498861 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | [deleted]: TIFU by breaking my laptop.
I'm sitting at my desk watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. I'm laughing real, real hard. A trophy placed on the top of the shelf above my desk falls from great heights to pierce the heart of my laptops hardrive. I brought it into the Apple store and they gave my 20% the repairs because of how shitty the luck was. The trophy corner hit RIGHT above the harddrive, destroying it. I lost all my documents, and music, and worst of all photos, and like a total idiot I had backed nothing up. Goodbye high school memories. Also I'm out a $100.
IE31: My laptop charger caught on fire today. YIFU thinking I knew how to solder.
[deleted]: More details please?
IE31: I pulled on it too hard and it ripped a wire out so I opened the transformer and re-soldered it. Worked fine for a few weeks until yesterday. I was laying in bed browsing reddit when I hear a snap crackle and pop followed by a pillar of smoke emitting from the transformer and a small flame. I jumped up and unplugged it from the wall and my laptop. Funny thing is it still works but I'm not risking an apartment fire.
[deleted]: I don't think that's because of your soldering, maybe your charger was just shitty. Either way, you should probably just get a new one.
IE31: It was a $15 amazon charger.
| 6 | 5.5 | |
1366434083 | 1366465799 | null | t5_2to41 | 4 | [deleted]: Tifu so I shanked I guy
Well I had a fork from lunch (I am in high school) and my best friend sat down in front of me. And i stabbed him in the neck. No reason. Just felt like it. And he started bleeding. So being a good friend, he puts on his jacket so the teacher doesn't see it. But, some girl saw it and snitched. And at my school, if you snitch, you pretty much have "I can't be trusted" written on your forehead and you get bullied. So you know, she got bullied. And to be fair, it really wasn't hear fault. I mean, there is a difference between shanking someone and copying someones homework. But, but here is the best part. She started crying with this girl I was kinda flirting with, and I was going to ask her out the next day. Now they both hate me.
God. I fucked up.
RAVantas: ...Why would you stab someone with a fork?
zalloy: Yeah, seriously?! Is the OP some kind of psycho?
| 3 | 1.333333 | |
1366435098 | 1366732507 | null | t5_2to41 | 21 | asf1187: TIFU by making weed firecrackers for the Muse Concert
So today I went to the muse concert with a bunch of friends. One friend got kicked out for using a fake ID. Before we entered the concert we ate the firecrackers and drank water and hoped for the best. (I've made firecrackers many times, but never got a great high from them) Well damn these were potent. I had the most intense high of my life. It was amazing, but my friend disagreed. He later vomited in the middle of the set, leaving me and one other stoned friend. He ended up being brought to medical, and my other friend and I went down to see him. First we were yelled at, "WHERE DID YOU GET THE ALCOHOL FROM/HOW WERE YOU SO STUPID". I said it was from weed and they laughed at us. Anyway, my friend got picked up by his mom, and she informed my parents. I am no longer allowed to be alone in my house. Awesome.
tl;dr: got super high, friend got sick, parents found out.
GingerSnapps: So one person used a bad fake ID, another got sick from the weed, and you actually told the medical people he was sick from weed? And this was all done when you guys are at the age where you still live at home? It takes a special kind to fuck up this much in one day.
asf1187: yeah right? a series of unfortunate events. I had to tell them it was weed because they thought it was alcohol, and i wanted to make sure he'd get the right treatment. plus his parents cared less about weed. IT MADE SENSE AT THE TIME (probably because I was the highest I've ever been)
Urdeshi: The right treatment, you mean water, crackers, and a nap? The dude had a tummy ache, say he was dehydrated, had eaten too much, etc but don't cop to drugs.
| 4 | 5.25 | |
1366428989 | 1366509233 | null | t5_2to41 | -3 | guruchild: TIFU when a new hire started in my department.
He ran up to me and said,
"HI MY NAME IS DAVE WIG... WIGG.. WUH WUH uh WUH... WIGGERS!"
I laughed for about 5 minutes and then said, "No, seriously... what's your name?" He then began crying.
*Names changed because reddit.
Lukeasaurus: I don't understand... What?
eternalflowers: I'm going to assume the new hire had a stutter and couldn't pronounce his last name . . . ?
guruchild: *CLAP CLAP CLAP* GUH JAWB EEDIOT WEETAWDsdfD GDSFGSDFG Just fuck off and die already.
eternalflowers: Wow, talk about being a fucking cunt.
guruchild: If I didn't have to put up with cunts every where I turn, maybe I wouldn't be such a fucking cunt. UH HUH WAW DID JUH EVER THINK UF DAT LOLOLOL
eternalflowers: I can't blame you, the internet is full of fucking idiots; in fact, I am talking to one right now. Good day to you sir.
guruchild: An idiot in some ways, a genius in others. I'll extend the same respect. Good day to you as well, kind sir.
| 8 | -0.375 | |
1366444054 | 1366445714 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | [deleted]: TIFU by ratting out myself and others for cheating on a very important assignment.
In my science class, to prepare for CSTs, my teacher had us work on released test questions in our assigned tables for a grade, but also for extra credit. One of the girls in my group found the answers online, and selfishly, we decided to use them, although purposefully missing a couple questions.
We finally finished the assignment today and our teacher started talking to us about how she thought we were cheating and since we didn't have much scratch work we decided to tell her that we did a lot of the problems in our heads (which is usually how I do tests, other than math exams, anyways) and so she decided that to prove ourselves, we would have to take a CST review test she would put together herself. My friends and I were freaking out about how we'll have to study extremely hard so it looks like we didn't cheat on the assignment, and by the time I got home, I was set on telling her the truth.
So I sent her an email telling her the complete truth (While still subtly begging her that she let us do her CST review test as a replacement...) and asking her to give the points to the groups that truly deserve them. I know the others will be severely pissed at me, and I'm almost certain that they won't trust me with anything anymore, and neither will my teacher.
My only hope is that we do not recieve harsh punishment for our "crime" since my birthday is two weeks away and it will be the first birthday party I've had since I was 10 (which was pretty much the only one I ever had. I'm turning 16). I don't know is this is "interesting" enough for this subreddit since I had just discovered it, but thank you for reading. Damn, I fucked shit up. ^^^^I'm ^^^^so ^^^^stupid.
nova_d: Turning 16. Year 10 or so. Literally doesn't matter. Probably not the best idea to lie, but if she ripped it off the internet, fair game at getting the answers.
JesusGotNailedLOL: No, it's not. http://articles.orlandosentinel.com/2010-11-08/news/os-ucf-cheating-test-20101108_1_apparent-cheating-exam-students
| 3 | 0 | |
1366438082 | 1366476278 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Robo94: TIFU by drunkenly threatening my ex...........
http://i.imgur.com/vAxU3Un.jpg
....Wellp.....
Octopus_Tetris: I'm confused, was it meant for someone else?
iamMess: Nope. Was just an excuse to make it look less serious.
Octopus_Tetris: I mean the first part where you threaten her?
| 4 | 5.75 |
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