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1366478373 | 1366541928 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,466 | eat_vegetables: TIFU by NoFap (not masturbating) before going on a date.
The NoFap community recommended I post this to r/TIFU
###How r/NoFap ruined my only chance at a potential relationship
A couple months ago, I went on a 2nd date with a girl from OKcupid. Originally we planned to go snowtubing but the snow had melt. Instead she invites me over for dinner. I get there, it's just us and it’s going really good. But then, her roommate and his mom shows up. We all hang out and play board games. Now her roommate’s mom is really hot, (and since I was 21 days nofap) I decide to playfully flirt with the mom. The mom is totally into it. It gets late though, and she eventually leaves. It's only me, my date and her roommate left. I suppose her roommate didn't enjoyed me flirting with his mom because I was cock-blocked the rest of the night.
At about 12:30am, we're all very tired and the roommate asks if i'm going to spend the night, (*awkward*). So, they set me up in the "Guest Loft" which is an alcove/cubby about 6 feet off the ground right next to this girls room. I'm so exhausted that I just crash instead of waiting up for her to finish brushing her teeth (I should have waited). I’m asleep in this guest loft, right next to this girl's room and I start having crazy sexual dreams. One of the dreams is so intensely sexual that I wake up right away realizing something bad. I look down and see that I justed blasted about 21 days worth of jizz into my underwear (wet dream).
I think “holy fuck this is bad - You can't get invited to a girls house and then jizz all over her guest room bed.” I'm freaking out, perhaps I should just run out to my car, leave and never return. I don't know what else to do. So I decide that is my plan. It’s really cold outside and I remember that my sweatshirt is on the floor next to the bed. So i lean over the bed head-first to grab my sweatshirt... except, i totally forgot that I’m in a loft. I end up diving head first down a 6 foot drop.
At the last moment, I catch myself on a panel of wood and cabinet. Unfortunately I break both of them, cracking the wall and causing a giant banging sound. Now i'm fucked, I just jizzed all over the place broke her cabinet and the wall, everyone must have heard it! So i run to the bathroom in my sticky underwear while carrying my jeans. Finally some good luck. It’s looks as if all the jizz stayed in my underwear. But now I have to figure out what to do with a destroyed pair of underwear. Do I try to hide it somewhere? Where? They must have heard the crash. They are probably right outside looking to see what happened. I quickly ball up the underwear and shove it down my pants. I go back to the bed and no one is there?!. I look around for jizz evidence. I can't find any, but its dark (i'm like 90% sure that it all stayed in my underwear!) Now my only concern is the smell. I mean, c'mon it's 21 days’ worth of cum. And, she's sleeping, at most, 15 ft away in her room.
Anyways, I start to get tired, think *screw it* (she lived 45 min away, it's not like it was a coworker and I would be permanent known as the creep who masturbates all over your guest room while you sleep). So I laydown and fall back asleep. I wake up to sounds of the girl moving around the house. She goes downstairs, so I have quickly make the bed while looking for any cum stains (I didn't see any!). I put all my clothes on while she comes back up the stairs. She jokes about how I'm trying to break her house into pieces. All of a sudden, in slowmotion, i see her nostrils flair. She is starting to smell the jizz! I quickly make some excuse about having to grab some mouthwash from my car. I run out to the and secretly pull the underwear out of my pants and stash it. Now, I made it thus far. I decide to push my luck, I come back into the house and we hang out for like 2 hours, nothing awkward at all.
I spent all the next day waiting for a text message: "Did you cum all over the guest loft?"
**tl;dr** 21 days nofap, I go on my first date in over a year. I spend the night and paint the guest room.
GeluNumber1: Well... at least you didn't shit yourself.
R41D3R: well in this subreddit everybody shits himself
I_FUCK_CHEETAHS: I'm on the toilet right now... But the lid is down.
Vinator: I'm on the toilet right now... But the pants are still on.
[deleted]: That's actually a possibility in this game: http://www.kongregate.com/games/rete/dont-shit-your-pants
jonnyhaas: I BEAT IT!
[deleted]: All acheivements?
jonnyhaas: No I just pooped in the toilet:/
[deleted]: You should go for them, they're pretty funny
| 10 | 146.6 | |
1366492939 | 1366576431 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | i_so_dope: TIFU by letting my dog pee on another dog's face.
Luckily the owner of the other dog was a chill dude. But I will most likely see him again because we live in the same apartment complex. I am so embarrassed.
Prior to the deed, she was frollicking around with the other dog like a normal, happy puppy. Then, right before everyone's eyes, she swiftly lifted her leg and pissed on the dog's nose. Perfect fucking aim.
She was a pound dog and spends most of the day in our apartment, so I can understand why she is antisocial (towards dogs). Never thought she would take it this far though.
TIFU.
killyourego: How could you have prevented this?
[deleted]: He could have summoned a nyan boat, but for that he would have to go through a rainbow portal to seasame street and go straight on for five hours and then turn left to go to narnia and talk to the purple llama and feed it a blue apple and then he would have been teleported into Mordor where the nyan boat lives, take it back to the stranger and let his dog wear the boat and shout:"***BONZAIIIIII BOOM!***" and then his dog wouldn't pee on the stranger's dog's face. Got it?
| 3 | 10.333333 | |
1366511816 | 1366618515 | null | t5_2to41 | 28 | chaadge: TIFU by shitting my pants at work.
It happened 15 minutes before I made this post. I was outside smoking a cigarette and I felt a fart coming and then I made the mistake of trusting this fart. I let it rip and unknowingly to me this fart contained substance. I finished my smoke and went back inside to do some paperwork, when I decided I may as well poop. I got into the bathroom and dropped my trousers only to see my briefs cradling my turd that I unknowingly dropped minutes earlier. I cleaned myself up and decided that my best option was to just throw my briefs away. I put them in the trash and discretely took the bag to the dumpster. I'm now sitting in my office, commando, hiding my shame until I finish my shift in three hours.
TL;DR: Never trust a fart.
ttoastt: You're lucky yours was solid. Mine was not.
chaadge: It wasn't exactly solid. I couldn't say exactly, but I would say it was the consistency of a slightly thicker pudding. I just saw your post. My condolences(also an upvote) from one pants-shitter to another.
ifrit1100: At least it didn't stain your trousers!
chaadge: Oh Definitely. I was wearing light coloured khakis. This could have been much worse.
| 5 | 5.6 | |
1366514306 | 1366567303 | null | t5_2to41 | 27 | Tyrone91: Tifu by severely overestimating the power of my stomach.
I was with my girlfriend and family today. We had a cousin in town, the source of my fuck up. He brought some fresh jalapeños(which I love) and after some beers, bet me 20 dollars I couldn't eat 10 in one sitting. Well, I thought that was a pretty fair deal. I did it no problem, just like candy. 4 hours later, I was taking my girlfriend home. I all of sudden had to shit horribly. I got her home, then started the half hour drive home. I made it to the Quik Trip 5 minutes from her house and had to stop. I ran in and got in the bathroom just in time. A stream of liquid lava started seeping into the toilet as I bit my lip to keep from making any noise. A long, excruciating 15 minutes later, it's finally slowed down, so I decide to drive home. As I pulled into the drive way, I felt it about to start again. I rushed into the house, once again barely making it in time. Reddit, let my hour of time in pain on the toilet be a lesson to you. Just because something doesn't bother you going into your body doesn't mean it won't kick your ass on the way out.
wogs94: You could've shit yourself in your car, at least you got that going for ya
Tyrone91: Actually, my asshole was swelled up and shut tighter than the vault at the bank I work at, so I wasn't too worried about sitting in the car. No leakage until I absolutely had the hounds waiting at the gates of hell.
skepticlore: I'm stoned and this is too fucking hilarious
| 4 | 6.75 | |
1366519633 | 1366591958 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,300 | _namaste: TIFU by shaving my pubes and getting Cellulitis. (Warning: Gross/NSFW)
[Here is a little illustrated photoset of the journey.](http://imgur.com/a/F8YqY#0)
This started a few days ago, but as it has finally come to a bursting end as of an hour ago, so I feel I am ready to share how I fucked up and got Cellulitis from lady-scaping.
I like to keep my area well-managed. Unfortunately I have been buying really cheap, disposable razors to do so. I have never encountered many problems with this method in the past, because I take precautions beforehand and am sure to moisturize said area properly. I must have done something wrong this day.
About 30 minutes after my shower, I start to feel an uncomfortable sharp pain in my pubic region. I go to the bathroom to check it out, and sure enough, I have a small, red dot which I recognize as being an ingrown hair. "NBD", I tell myself. I'll use a hot compress. I figure that it will raise a bit and I can get it out using sterilized tools. WRONG. After messing around with it, I can tell that it's not going to budge. Being the obsessive popping type, I just couldn't leave it alone. I never thought a few extra moments spent trying to remove an ingrown hair would end this badly...
Fast forward two hours. Normally at this point, it would have just stayed as a small, only slightly uncomfortable dot, worked its way out naturally, dried up and been forgotten about. Unfortunately, the pain is still there, and it's now stinging and burning really, *really* bad. I thought it was probably just from all of my poking around, so I dismissed it, fell asleep on the couch (it was about 10pm), and into dreamland I went.
I wake up at 6am. I am dripping sweat, my entire abdomen is burning up. Something is not right here. After I get my bearings, I lift up my shirt and pull down my sweats slightly, only to see, terrifyingly, that the dot has now swollen into a massive lump, and there's bright, pink, hot skin all the way up to my belly button. It hurts like a bitch. My temperature is at 103. I am FREAKING out, so I drive to the med center and embarrassingly (and slightly dillusionally) explain my situation to the person at the desk, while families with crying, sick children pretend not to hear my misfortune.
When I finally got into the doctor, I shamefully strip down into the gown. She had this look of complete shock when she had me lift it up..I could have sworn the monstrosity was pulsating at this point. She informed me that I had contracted CELLULITIS from this god-forsaken ingrown hair. She said that I needed to promptly begin taking a high dosage of antibiotics and using steroid cream/ointment every few hours. She refused to lance it in the office, I do not know why, and suggested that I continued with a hot compress once I got home. I was also made aware that if I wouldn't have caught it within 24 hours, I literally could have died due to the toxicity of my blood.
KAY... So I spend the day pantless, crying, sweaty, feverish, with a hot washcloth resting on my crotch. Finally, in the evening, I start feeling some kind of stirring down there. It itches to an extreme measure, so without thinking, I reach down and try to sooth it. I immediately catch the corner of my fingernail on the thin part of the skin, or the "top" of the wound, (what now became the opening). IT EXPLODES. I have never felt such a mixture of relief and extraordinary pain at the same time. It felt like someone had released a million tons of pressure that was being held in my labia, while simultaneously rubbing hot ass peppers all over the open wound.
Anyway, I'm okay now, just sulking on my bed and in pain, eating horse pills to make sure the infection is completely gone. Lesson 100% learned.
TL;DR: I shaved my pubes, was a dummy and tried to take care of an ingrown hair on my own, got an infection in my blood and almost died in a really embarrassing way.
*edited some misspelled words.
SleepySheepy: I was just going to go shave my junk later today... I think I'll not.
ilofty: I trim mine with scissors, not exactly to the point where it's bald but looks neat
colucci: Use a razor and shave with the hairs, not against them.
You won't clean everything completely off to the point of getting an ingrown hair, yet you'll be pretty hairless.
ilofty: maybe i should mention one massive difference between OP and myself, I'm a dude, and I don't trust myself with a razor, electric or manual, down in my sensitive area haha
colucci: I reckon you've never shaved with a razor. Unless you're growing pubes on your dickhead, you'll be mighty fine.
i4c8e9: I have pubes on my head and shaft. I started buying my wife furball medication.
trowuhweigh991122883: ... wut.
No. really. like, wut.
| 8 | 162.5 | |
1366522509 | 1366523418 | null | t5_2to41 | -3 | gregpd: I threw a party and my neighbors and it went bad.
neighbors are out of town, kid said i could have a party at his house when their gone. ends up we went all out blacklighted everything and a hole ended up in the wall. i tiny glass bowl got stolen and the garage smells like cigs. hole is fixed but can barely tell where it is. they get home tomorrow morning. what would you do? i now learned to not throw a party anywhere.
YodaLoL: Douche.
gregpd: badass
YodaLoL: You'll get what's coming to you
| 4 | -0.75 | |
1366524349 | 1366527054 | null | t5_2to41 | 26 | sweaterlvests: TIFU by not disabling spell check
So this guy asked me to be his boyfriend. A heated, tension-filled conversation ensued. Eventually, I turned him down. After all of this, he asked me an unrelated question. I planned on finding out the answer, and so I intended to respond with the phrase "one sec." So, apparently, Android doesn't recognize "sec" as an adequate phrase. But in its mind, a proper replacement would be the word "sex." So after turning down this guy, I responded "one sex." He thought I was asking for a one night stand. I can't even. And then, he responded saying he would love that. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to embarass him more, or what, so I just said nevermind, cause, you know, yolo and shit. I ended up panicking and blocking his number. That is all.
TLDR; I spent five minutes on this. Read it, dammit.
joe_canadian: This is exactly why I disable autocorrect! The only difference was I sent "One sex" to my mom.
I feel your pain. I hope you're able to work things out though.
sweaterlvests: Yeah. I have now. I was just visiting the town that he lives in for a few weeks, but I've gone home now. So I think I'll just run from him for the remainder of my life. He was a dick anyways though. I would die if I did that to my mom. You can't block her number and drive away.
| 3 | 8.666667 | |
1366526227 | 1366562858 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | ella1993: TIFU by giving my dad the wrong SD card. One contained nice Easter photos, the other contained... very private photos.
**UPDATE** Sorry for the long overdue update! I just wanted to add that this FU wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be. A day after posting this my dad called me to ask where there was only music on the card. I told him I must have given him the wrong one. Since I was planning on driving to a city near where he lives the next day for a show a friend of mine's band was doing I offered to meet him nearby to give him the real card. The next day we met and exchanged cards. He made a joke about one of the songs but gave no indication that he'd noticed the folder with the pics. Knowing my dad, he would have at least made a joke about them. I choose to believe he did not see them.
***
I can't even blame 4/20 for this. Yes, I got high today but I was not high when I had lunch with my dad.
He dropped me back off at home and asked me if I still had the Easter photos I had been meaning to send him. See, the last time I visited home was for Easter and I was the only one there with a decent camera. I took a ton of photos. I uploaded a few to FB but my dad had been pestering me for all of them. Only problem was there was over 4 gigs of photos so I just kept telling him that the next time I saw him I'd just give him an SD card.
In my scramble/stupid state I found the card. I was positive it was the right one. Positive. I ran back outside and handed it to him, kissed him on the cheek, said goodbye, and that was it.
After he was gone I went to a friend's house and got high, as is tradition. I only got home about half an hour ago. Once I did I noticed something odd: there was an SD card plugged into my laptop still. At first I ignored it and figured it had to just be my secret, personal one. But then I got to worrying so I checked it out.
The card in my computer is the one with all the Easter pictures. I only own to SD cards: the one currently plugged into my computer and the one I gave my dad.
The one I gave my dad is filled mostly with music, thankfully. But there is a folder I titled "nonsense". It's the only folder on the drive. And what's in it is a series of pictures of me that my last guy-friend took, all of me in very compromising positions. *Very* compromising positions.
Fuck! Jesus god why?
...
Oh and there's also the video. It's short thankfully but it's definitely not something I want my father to see.
My father is currently in possession of pictures of me in very obscene positions and a video of me doing very un-ladylike things. I want to die.
BosNovi: This is why I buy SD cards with different brands and colors.
OzkarHawkZ: I allways make sure that I have different SD cards/thumb drives for stuff like this
| 3 | 12 | |
1366532301 | 1366601910 | null | t5_2to41 | 89 | Sohcahtoa82: TIFU by street racing with my girlfriend
My girlfriend and I went to a party tonight, but took separate cars since I was heading there from home and she went there straight from work. On the way home, we were at a stop light next to each other and decided to have a drag race, totally not noticing that there was a cop a couple cars behind us. Right when I hit the 45 mph speed limit and let off the gas, I saw the lights behind us.
"BOTH CARS PULL OVER" blared from the cop car.
Fuck me. Here comes the several hundred dollar fine combined with my insurance rates going sky high if I'm lucky, potential arrest for reckless driving if I'm UNlucky.
Apparently, we were REALLY lucky. The cops had us both step out of our cars and he just gave us a short lecture about safer driving at night. I think they were amused because they were expecting two teenagers showing off, not a 30-year old couple driving home. My girlfriend said that when the cop asked her what she was doing, she said "Flirting?"
TL;DR: Had a street race with my girlfriend, got caught by cops, only got a short lecture
EDIT: In case anyone cares, I won the race but not by much. She drives a Subaru Outback, powered by a 3.0 Liter H6 engine, versus my Suzuki Esteem, with a 1.8L 4-banger. She has a lot more power (212 hp vs 122 hp), but also a TON more weight (3715 lbs vs 2385 lbs).
ganymedesearat: I love my Suzuki Esteem! :D
Sohcahtoa82: Its an alright car. Not that powerful, but pretty damn light. Most cars in its class are around 2800 lbs, but the Esteem is just a hair under 2400. Gets decent fuel economy, too. I've almost got 100k miles on it, and the only repair I've had to do is an alternator replacement.
ganymedesearat: Absolutely. I have a bit of trouble getting up hills sometimes, because it's so light, and the engine isn't that powerful, but I refill my tank about once a week. I think I have about 150k-180k on mine. I wouldn't trust it for long road trips, but it's great when I need to drive over to Tacoma.
Sohcahtoa82: I live in Portland, OR. I've driven it to LA (2000 miles round trip) twice, San Fransisco (1400 miles), Sandusky Ohio (4800 miles), Seattle (600) three times, Athol Idahdo (1200). Its seen a lot of highway.
ganymedesearat: That's absolutely fantastic. I really wish mine was in the shape that I could do that.
Sohcahtoa82: Granted, I think all of these were done before 50,000 miles. I'm not sure if I'd take ANY car with over 150,000 miles on a road trip more than 300 miles.
vinylscratchp0n3: Tell her I commend her choice in vehicles. I have a Subaru Legacy 2.5GT wagon (same car, different trim level) and it's awesome. Subarus are definitely some of the best cars ever.
Sohcahtoa82: She plans on upgrading to a Subaru WRX once she's making decent more money. I'm hoping to snag a Mazda RX-7 if Mazda brings it back in 2017 like they said they might.
| 9 | 9.888889 | |
1366534523 | 1366969618 | null | t5_2to41 | 19 | xpsdeset: TIFU,Never give a 18 months old baby a tablet to play with
I had to share this before I sleep the whole day.
So I was taking a nap and was left alone with the baby, she's my niece btw.
She won't allow me to sleep and I wanted to sleep as I had been up the whole night.
So I gave her a tablet, she like to play with those fish live wallpapers.
but whenever she plays with it she used to tap on something else,minimizing the wallpaper.
So I was taking time to wake up,she got so cranky threw the tablet and it hit me directly on my eye and than smacked me on my eye again at the very same spot.
what are the odds.
Anyways yesterday I felt mere itch, but today I had bad time opening my eye and turns out its all red and some fluid coming out ,went to the doctor told not to read or watch so it seems I am on radio the whole day it seems.
Net_Bastard: >went to the doctor told not to read or watch so it seems I am on radio the whole day it seems.
So why are you on the internet?
xpsdeset: I was bored and had to share this with reddit
Net_Bastard: Yeah, but when the doctor advised you not to read or watch anything, I would think that staring at a computer monitor to type your story out would also fall under that.
xpsdeset: Nope I was on my cell phone, whole day on couch
Net_Bastard: Ah. Okay.
| 6 | 3.166667 | |
1366511159 | 1366556405 | null | t5_2to41 | 18 | ttoastt: TIFU by not saying I had to go to the bathroom in the car with coworkers
I went on a trip with three people from work, and we decided to have lunch before heading to our destination. The restaurant we chose was about a mile away from where we'd be. Ended up having a turkey sandwich.
So we get done eating and I go to the bathroom, and then we head off. As I said, this should have been no more than a 5 minute ride. Well, we got to a turn (left for the highway, right for the place we wanted to be), the driver panicked and we ended up on the highway. There was nowhere to turn around for two miles, and right about then my stomach turned into a knot and I knew I needed to crap.
We get to a place we can turn around and the nearest gas station would be another two miles away, so I figure I'll keep quiet and wait until we got to our destination. We managed to take another wrong turn, but maybe 10 minutes later we pull into the parking lot.
By now I'm about to shit myself, and I ask to be dropped off at the front door. I race inside and ask the first person I see 'BATHROOM?'. They say it's through a door and the second door on the right. I rush in and go through the second door ... and find cubicles with people working.
At this time I'm quaking, and I start to shit myself. I race back into the hallway and find the bathroom is the next door, so I race into a stall and slam down onto the seat and unleash unholy death.
Then I realize that I had truly shit myself, luckily only a little. It stayed pretty much completely in my boxers (thank god), and I ended up taking those off and throwing them in the trash. I realized that cleaning myself up would be a bit more involved than usual, and it probably took 10 more minutes to be absolutely sure I was as clean as possible.
I spent the next 4 hours in close proximity to other people, staying at the back of the group for fear that I'd smell like shit. Every time I sat and the seam of my pants went near my ass, I got scared that it'd come away wet or smell.
Luckily I don't think anyone knew anything more than that I ate something that upset my stomach. But yeah, I haven't shit myself since I was a baby.
Lukeasaurus: Don't worry bro, apparently everyone on this subreddit shits themselves. You should be grateful that you didn't make a big mess though. Imagine sitting in the car... In someone else's pants whil they sit in their underwear because you ruined your pants as well as your boxes.
ttoastt: Yeah that's what was going through my head.
Also really surprised about how many stories are about people crapping themselves. I can see why there are adult diapers.
| 3 | 6 | |
1366548217 | 1366574057 | null | t5_2to41 | 134 | whathappenedwas: TIFU by standing on the upper-level seats of a moving, double-decker bus.
*Posting on behalf my mother, who doesn't use reddit, but could use a laugh.*
NYC double-decker bus photoshoot. Mom's friend is in charge of it; asks her to come along and model. Not something she normally does, but also not out of her realm of experience; sounds fun, she agrees.
So she's up on the top deck with two photographers, doing her thing, trying to look like a tourist, I guess, when it occurs to her that standing up on the seats, straddling the aisle, is a good idea for the next couple of photos.
I'll admit--it's a pretty cool picture. There's my mom and a photographer on a beautiful day, looking down 1st avenue, alone on the top of a brand new double-decker bus. And though she appears to be looking straight forward, she must be focusing on something below, 'cause she doesn't see the telephone wire that's about to clothesline her. IN THE FACE.
What follows... is that.
[](http://i.imgur.com/a/GMO2w)
**Edit:** Sorry for not putting this in the original post; she's OK! I definitely wouldn't find this situation as funny if she'd been hurt. She's got a pretty shiny bruise on her chin, but it's purely cosmetic, and she's got a great sense of humor about it. She said it's been a little hard to tell the story to her colleagues at work, but at least it's a funny story. Thanks for asking though!
Here is the link to the original album for anyone who doesn't have RES: [here](http://imgur.com/a/GMO2w)
Also - if you're not using RES, you cray.
nd27359: Pic, PLEASE!
umroller: There are three at the bottom of the post.
[deleted]: He must have removed them
| 4 | 33.5 | |
1366561024 | 1366597689 | null | t5_2to41 | 279 | saraquael: TIFU by Using a Pocket Hose
I planted some grass seed last week and had to water it. I also bought a Pocket Hose, because although I am neither 5 nor 75 years old, I *am* a lady who does not enjoy lugging 50 pounds of garden hose around the fucking yard. Judge me.
Anyway, I figured this would take all of 5 minutes and since the patch is close to the back door of my house, I didn't bother putting a bra on beneath my white t-shirt. You can all see where this is going, right? I attached the hose and tightly screwed my spray nozzle into place. The Pocket Hose has a lever on the end which opens the valve, which I had set to off. Precautions, man: I swear I took 'em all - except possibly the best one, which would have been not buying a hose with plastic connnections.
I turned on the water, raised the hose, hit the lever... and the connector for the sprayer nozzle immediately rocketed off into space - BUT BEFORE IT DID, it had the comedic decency to blast a jet of freezing fucking water right across the front of my t-shirt.
Annnd at that minute, the next-door neighbor rounded the corner of his house and was met with an unobstructed view of my high beams. So that was fun.
Fuck you, Pocket Hose. Why are your connections even plastic.
**TL;DR: wet t-shirt party in my yard, courtesy of a fucking hose I bought on television. How do you like dem nipples, Mister Neighbor?**
elwray1989: Not knowing what a Pocket Hose was going into this, I am pleasantly surprised.
saraquael: I was going to tell you that it's *The Hose that Grows!^tm* but that makes it sound even worse.
karmavorous: Does your neighbor have one of those to?
wonderloss: He did this afternoon.
elwray1989: Well done, sir.
| 6 | 46.5 | |
1366575568 | 1366733348 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | [deleted]: TIFU my roommate now thinks I'm gay.
Today when I got up, I was the only one home. Feeling horny, I booted my computer and opened my safe to get my sex toys. I was gonna have fun with a pocket pussy but I also own 2 dildos of different sizes for prostate stimulation. Fast forward a couple hours, he's home from work and comes in my room to chat. We discussed for about 30 minutes and during all that time he was facing my wardrobe. I only noticed an hour later that in there was my private collection that I had left to dry before earlier. He hasen't said anything but he can't not have seen them, they were right in front of him, less than 2m away. Keep I'm mind that to anyone that knows me I am a perfectly straight male. (maybe actually bi but this is not the topic)
Reddit, today I fucked up. Should I talk to him? I've know him for 10+ years.
TL;DR : roommate saw my sex toy collection I forgot to put away, now thinks I'm gay
Another100Trillion: Nope, your fetishes are your own ... if he needs an explanation he's not your friend.
Anonymonkey: [expl-anal-tion?? . . .] (http://i.imgur.com/uO9e1Ge.gif)
[deleted]: This gif...belongs on /r/nightmarefuel
dontaskjustdoit: private subreddit, is that a thing?
| 5 | 4.8 | |
1366575865 | 1366636654 | null | t5_2to41 | 86 | Blacky_McBlackerson: TIFU by adding about one-fifth of a bottle of Sriracha to my lunch.
It was so tasty but do I really need to go into detail about how much of a fuck-up this will have been in a couple of hours?
EnragedAardvark: Yes, because we need to know whether to reset the counter.
Blacky_McBlackerson: Update: It made my butthole cry.
| 3 | 28.666667 | |
1366578596 | 1366597929 | null | t5_2to41 | 29 | [deleted]: TIFU My alarm went off in church [x-post /r/hiphopheads]
Prentote: I have my alarm set for 11 am on weekend days.
My alarm is Fuck the Club Up by Waka Flocka Flame and the opening of the song went off "I'm just thuggin in the club with my squad bitch we deep" and I hit power off but some of the elderly heard the swearing. Lesson learned is to turn your phone off
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQQYiHso-C4 heres the song, so if it had played its full alarm course I'd be in some deep water.
sellyberry: My alarm went off in a church today as well. It was after the service and it was an aunt by marriage that heard it. She thought it was something church related, which is hilarious to me because she goes there and I'd think she'd know more about that kind of thing, but apparently no.
On a side not, I feel like my niece fucked up by having 2 atheists be her daughters god parents, at least we didn't burst into flames!
scyther1: I don't think that would be the end of the world unless they criticized her beliefs to her young daughter.
sellyberry: She's like a month old, we got time. I don't think the young mother has many beliefs, I think we were all there mostly because great grandma has some cash and she wants to keep in 'good graces'.
I'm the atheist in this story, along with my husband, who is the actual uncle of the young mother.
I managed to be moderately respectful while a guest in that house of god, I even sang some songs :)
scyther1: I cant tell you how many first communions I think only happens so gifts can be given >.>...I know it can be SUPER AWKWARD going into a church so I commend you for your willingness to go out of your way to be respectful to others :D
| 5 | 5.8 | |
1366579973 | 1366655740 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | IAmTheSnorlax: TIFU by not making a move
This actually happened last week, but I only discovered this subreddit a few days ago, so yeah.
Anyway, I'm currently a senior in college and have only had one serious girlfiend in that time. As far as I can determine, the reason for my lack of a relationship is a combination of things. These being: I'm shy, I'm kind of an asshole, I can never take a hint, I always assume the girl likes someone else. Basically, I'm a person who sabotages himself.
Anyway, there's this girl, she shall thus be known as M, that I've known for a few years now and though we've been friends that whole time, we only really started hanging out a lot a few months ago. We eat lunch together every day and enjoy each other's company. We also tell each other about our lives and the goings-on in them and try and give each other advice to get through problems we may be having. I could go on, but I won't.
Last weekend, I invited her over to my place to watch some movies and drink some wine together. She says it sounds like a good idea and comes over. The night starts out pretty normally with us talking a bit and then watching a movie. Soon enough, the wine is broken out and we go through 2 bottles in relatively short order. At this point, given that we are both light-weights, we're pretty drunk. We proceed to talk about how our romantic lives are shitty and how we just haven't been able to find the perfect person yet even though we've been trying. M has actually dated people and tried to find good relationships while I've just been a shy loser and wished I'd date more. As the night goes on, we talk about ourselves and how we see ourselves and how we see each other's personalities. This leads to talking about what our ideal partners are like and lo and behold, we seem to be describing each other. What I mean is, everything we'd said about ourselves was being used to describe our ideal partners.
Being the oblivious idiot that I am, I had also failed to notice that she had been moving closer to me on the couch (or had I been moving closer to her? I don't really know, I was kind of drunk). There were lots of moments where we would stare at each other and not say anything though once again, this may be attributed to the drunkenness.
Throughout the night, I'd thought about leaning over and kissing her, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because being me, the only thing I could think of was how she probably didn't even like me and how she probably just considered me a close friend that she could talk to about anything. She left about 5 hours after arriving to go out to bars with some other friends of hers.
Now, all I do is think about how I should have at least tried to kiss her and seen how things turned out. If it worked, awesome, if not, less awesome, but at least I'd know.
**tl;dr Had a girl I like over to my house. We drank and watched movies. Things seemed to point to me being able to make a move but I didn't because I was too afraid. I still don't know if she likes me too.**
EDIT: Removed useless detail
Hunglojoe: invite her back over and make the move bro. If what you say is true about seeming like your into eachother, there is really only a few ways to find out. If you go in for the move, and its a fail..atleast you tried and you will be able to sleep easy knowing that.
IAmTheSnorlax: Yeah, this seems to be the only course of action available to me. Just gotta man up and do it. Thanks for the advice!
mcparker73: Seriously do this. You sound like one of my close friends (unless this is a throwaway I know his username). I gave similar advice to him and everything worked out like it was suppose to (he got the girl). Get to it, my friend!
IAmTheSnorlax: That's awesome for your friend! I'll take that as motivation!
| 5 | 10.8 | |
1366579553 | 1366602602 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,697 | Iieutenant_dan: TIFU by trying to save an animals life
So today I was playing golf with some friends, having a great time and all until I come across a baby turtle that had somehow flipped over in the middle of the fairway. It was pretty hot outside (75-80) so I thought, "Fuck it, I'm saving this little guy." So I pick up this baby turtle, and walk with it for the rest of the hole until I show my friends and share ideas of what we will do with it. All my friends suggestions were shit so I just went with my own idea which was to put him in the nearby pond so maybe he can find some other turtles and start a new life. I drop him 2-3 feet off of a small bridge into the water, small tears coming from my eyes, and wish the little guy the best of luck in his new life. Walking away, I turn around to see him still in his shell, not moving about 1 foot underwater. I wait for him to come out of his shell and swim off, but he won't come out and still stays in the same place. After a couple of minutes, his shell turns upside down, and sinks to the bottom. I still to this hour have no idea if he was fucking with me or I had just drowned a baby turtle.
TL;DR Tried to save a baby turtle by putting him in a pond, drowned the son of a bitch
PassivePandas: Why didn't you put him beside the water?
Iieutenant_dan: because *i thought he could swim*
Alex1609: That was your first mistake.
MorphineBear: Why? A majority of turtles can't swim?
gormlessTosser: Baby turtles cannot.
RayzorRomance: Baby turtles can swim. Source: worker for a turtle trauma center.. (yes, those exist.)
nachoman456: best person to retort ever
RayzorRomance: Thank you :) I also took veterinary technology, and wildlife rehabilitation
nachoman456: cool, I worked for a year or so at a vet clinic, animals are so fun to work with when they aren't dying or trying to make you be dying.
RayzorRomance: I worked at an animal shelter for a few years.. most rewarding yet devastating job ever.
| 11 | 154.272727 | |
1366584299 | 1366637292 | null | t5_2to41 | 183 | Tenchi98: TIFU by trying to take down a Football player.
So I'm typing this now because i couldn't use my right arm on thursday.
I'm in Highschool gym class and we are playing football, its only second period and the grass we are on is still wet from the morning dew. I am a Distance runner but we have to play football to get a grade. Just playing, I sprint after this guy going for the touch down, I miss him, I slip right on my behind about five feet and hurt my left wrist. No big deal, just walked it off. Kept playing. Coach wasn't watching so we started tackling. One of the guys who was on football just starts rolling down midfield like a freight train. I get the bright idea in my head, skinny, runner me says "I can stop him". I run at him full speed, he doesn't see me, we connect!
I don't remember getting hit but I hear I had air time. Couple seconds later I land on my right arm and my left wrist, again. I get up really quickly and my collar bone feels wrong immediately. "Hey Derp, are you OK?" the others ask. I feel the collar bone, definitely broken. Fast forward, Nurse's office, nurse looks at me, nurse calls Mom, Mom takes me to ER, totally out of it at this point. They give me two shots of Morphine in both arms, but they can't give me a lot because I have never had a strong painkiller before, or been in a hospital. the X- Ray at this point has confirmed my collarbone is broken, so they get this medieval torture device that will hold my shoulder in place. Nearly pass out. I get some time to contemplate the fact that me and my right hand are gonna have a hard time doing finals. I also got a wrist brace and a sling for my right arm when I am up and about. It seems to be healing but going to the restroom, showering, washing my hands, eating, taking a dump (is extremely agonizing), coughing, sneezing, and even laughing hurts. Balls.
tldr: I tried to block a football player running at full speed and broke my right collarbone and sprained my left wrist before finals.
EDIT: Yeah and Cross Country practice is gonna start again soon, and I can't go to practice now either.
Mshotts: As a former high school football player thanks for the chuckle OP.
[This](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTahpfuUVJg&t=1m7s) is how I imagined you.
For future reference, [proper tackling technique](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfmowQ2wuZc).
Tenchi98: Well it may have helped if we had pads. It was supposed to be Two-Hand touch so the injury is really our faults. And if we go into it more, it was my fault for jumping in front of a moving train, aka the other player.
And yeah that is kind of how I imagine how I looked too lol.
Awkward_moments: If you playing without pads probably better to look at rugby style of tackling. Although I never played football. Seems like people sometimes dive head first into people running at full speed and make contact with their shoulder. Rugby you need to use your arm to latch around them, takes a bit of force out of your collarbone. Also you make the tackle after by rapping them up, the first hit is more to slow them down (with head on collisions). And the main bit of advice you hear repeated with tackling is "Never go high on a prop" they round fat heavy guys, you get them in the legs or they just flatten you and power though.
Tenchi98: For Football all I can really do is take people down and defend. Kinda the same for Basketball. I'm not very good with my arms as far as catching and throwing goes.
Awkward_moments: Lol. No maybe this rugby style of tackling is more foreign to you than thought.
Edit *Video at bottom if you rather watch*
Ok so I was thinking the American football style of tackling is to dive head first into the player running towards you, your arms are pretty much by your side and your are trying to uses your momentum to hit them over. But in rugby people dont tackle like that. They get low sometimes standing still and make contact with their shoulder. But at the same time the arm that is connected to the shoulder making contact comes around the back of the person and pulls the person in a half hug. Other arms usually helps but it doesnt do as much. This means acts more like a trip that a forcefully pushing them over. It knocks them off balance and they cant use there legs to regain balance. There are big hits though as well where people get pushed over.
Video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMHRZ8LzS7Q
This is a textbook tackle. Something that coaches will aim to teach. But head on and higher still work.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Gkv1fJM5q8
Tenchi98: So it is more about attacking the lower body while you are moving at an angle to your victim. When I hit the other guy it was at a 45 degree angle but I hit him from the front and at chest level.
Awkward_moments: That was just a good example I could think of off the top of my head at 2 in the morning when Im in bed. The angle is dependent on where the tackle needs to be made but you tell people get them around the legs, they cant run without their legs. Its difficult to find good examples of straight up tackles like your one. Usually youtube you get try saving tackles which tend to be off straight in the corner or you get big hits where people usually get picked up. Will look tomorrow if you want. Hope your shoulder gets better though.
Tenchi98: Thanks a lot! Unfortunately I won't be doing anything till next school year. The year ends in five weeks, I think, but I will keep this all in mind. Thanks again. Sleep well, don't let the Pedobear bite...
Awkward_moments: Ok the tackling on this isnt what I'm talking about. But you can see the problem with most of the missed tackles, people went high on a big guy running straight at them and then fell on their arse. I would guess you did something like this but you probably didn't have your arm up, putting more pressure on your collar bone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWILREWptvs
Here is about 30 seconds of how you should tackle. As you can see everyone that goes down with someone around their legs holding on, they dont tend to get pushed over they tend to fall over someone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FXdblKOEDrM&t=2m30s
You might be confused with the game, its two different types of rugby.
| 10 | 18.3 | |
1366588656 | 1366665238 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | cerbeross: TIFU by not looking where I was biting.
I was just eating some steak, watching some TV, and minding my own business when I felt a pain in my tooth. I had bit too far into the steak and ended up biting the fork, and chipping my tooth. It's only a temporary cap on the tooth, and I'm getting the permanents on Thursday, but god damn it hurts. The worst part is I can't see a dentist until tomorrow and I pretty much can't eat, breath or enjoy existing until then.
Proof: http://i.imgur.com/SK3k2GG.jpg
**Day 2 Update: I can't see the dentist until tomorrow, which if you're keeping score at home, is two days after I broke the tooth. MFW: http://i.imgur.com/Z4DgpEb.gif**
NormalStranger: Few things make me tear up from imaginary pain....this is one of them.
cerbeross: I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.
keebyjeeby: See if this makes you feel better: I was in Aceh (Indonesia) following the tsunami and I chipped a tooth (not exactly major compared to some, I know, but not something that can be ignored, as you know). I went to the dentist and he told me that I needed a root canal to fix it, but because of the Tsunami, they were all out of anaesthetic, so I had to do it cold.
/It hurt a lot. Really.
cerbeross: Oh God. Well I do feel better. I mean compared to that this is just a toothache.
keebyjeeby: I screamed like a motherfucker, I tell you. In fact, I actually passed out. That was the day I learnt that I was not brave and if someone wants to get information out of me, I will tell them before the torture starts.
| 6 | 6 | |
1366597200 | 1366645303 | null | t5_2to41 | 16 | pyre_tinder: TIFU - I was wanting to try out Linux, and I erased my Windows 7 system, and all my data.
I have been wanting to get into Linux and learn more about, so I tried the demo, and it seemed cool. Today I decided to install it on my laptop, and when I was installing it I chose the wrong method, and it deleted everything. I was hoping to dual boot, but now I am having to trail by fire and learn my new system.
[deleted]: This never would've happened if you had bought a mac. Oh well, can't talk.. gotta go take pictures of shit because I'm an artist!
limelight22: I hope to god you're joking…
[deleted]: Yes, he's trolling obviously. It's just a shitty attempt.
| 4 | 4 | |
1366596624 | 1366665131 | null | t5_2to41 | 342 | thisisnothingmore: TIFU by trying to be vegan for a day and then trying to unclog the toilet with my girlfriend's mom's salad tongs..
My girlfriend is a vegan, and I am very much so a carnivore. She respects my decision as much as I respect hers, but she wanted me to try it for a day or two. I don't know if any of you know what quinoa is, but it's a grain kind of like rice but its healthier and has A LOT of fiber. She made me a whole 5 course vegan meal with vegetables, and lots of quinoa. Lots. And I ate it all, as it is quite delicious. But apparently my GI tract wasn't quite happy without any meat (I eat meat at every meal, usually) and I ended up having to shit super bad. We were at her moms house, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I kid you not, my shit was like paste. (This was my third day of quinoa...) then out comes this giant turd the size of a large kiwi fruit. Obviously the toilet ends up clogging and of course there is no plunger. So I casually stroll into the kitchen and frantically start looking for something. Then I see it. Salad tongs. I went back to the toilet, grabbed the turd and put it in the trash can. Then, being the gent I am, took out her garbage, but then being the idiot that I am, forgot to dispose of the fecal tongs. I left them in the kitchen sink. Girlfriends mom says "oh there they are!", rinses them off with just water, and puts them in the salad. Needless to say I am not going to be eating the salad..... Fuck.
TL;DR Too much fiber, giant turd, used kitchen tongs, girlfriends mom ate off them.
Edit: Kiwi fruit*
netdorf: E. coli for everyone!
thisisnothingmore: Didn't think about that..............
netdorf: Let's hope all that colon blow you had left your poo nice and clean.
thisisnothingmore: God I hope so.. Well guess we'll find out within the next few days!
netdorf: If one of them suddenly have wicked food poisoning, that's a pretty good sign this fuck up has been validated.
thisisnothingmore: They seem fine as of right now. If they do get sick I'll blame it on going to the park earlier today and walking in the goose poop in the grass haha.
netdorf: Of course, blame the geese. They are assholes anyway.
thisisnothingmore: And it's a better story than "Oh hey babe the reason you and your mom are sick is that you poisoned me so I used the salad tongs to clean the toilet." Yep I'm going with the geese story.
kad3t: What are the chances that your GF also reads reddit?
thisisnothingmore: She had an account but she usually only gets on when I tell her to look at something, but then I usually just show her on mine.
| 11 | 31.090909 | |
1366602130 | 1366604897 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting drunk and giving my boyfriend mind-blowing sex. Because I was drunk I can't remember exactly what I did or how to replicate it.
So my boyfriend and I usually have pretty vanilla sex.
Two days ago we went to the club with some friends and ending up getting way more tipsy than we should have. And because it was getting late, and the university's dorms were already closed, we decided we should get a hotel that night so we wouldn't have to sneak back into campus while drunk.
So we get into our room and all of a sudden I'm feeling like I need some lovin'. I whisper some dirty words to him and everything after that is pretty fuzzy. I vaguely remember being on top and riding him for all he's worth.
The next day we both wake up naked, and hugs me and whispers "Wow... You did such an amazing job last night." And I'm like, "Huh?" But I just go along with it because I don't want to admit I was drunk to the point of not remembering it.
So then we get home last night, and the boyfriend says to me before bed, "Can you please do it again like you did yesterday?" And I'm getting nervous. I make an excuse like, "Oh, I don't have much energy now, so I can't really do it like that again... How about tomorrow?" And I still don't exactly remember what I did that was so mind-blowing. But apparently it was the best sex he's ever had and I'm afraid I'll never top that night ever again and he'll be disappointed.
So I feel pretty bad for not remembering what the secret was. I know he's going to keep asking for me to repeat that night, but I'm afraid since I was drunk I might have done some really kinky things that I wouldn't have the balls to do sober. But I still don't want to admit I was so drunk I can't remember because he hates it when I get that drunk.
petersmythe37: If you want to replicate that night without admitting how drunk you were, you can always just ask him what *exactly* about the sex that night was so great. Tell him you want to hear what he liked so much about it in precise detail, and then you'll know what to do. And if he gets suspicious about you asking for details, just tell him that it turns you on when he tells you exactly what he wants and make it part of the foreplay.
[deleted]: Nice! You're right, I'll just make it like a dirty-talk foreplay thing. You're a genius.
petersmythe37: Glad to be of service! As someone who both enjoys drinking and who has a terrible memory even when sober, I've had to use this tactic before.
| 4 | 23.25 | |
1366607513 | 1366751276 | null | t5_2to41 | 357 | [deleted]: TIFU by defending my boyfriend against his mother.
She was berating him in front of other people, and I politely told her, "Don't talk to him like that." Shouldn't have done it because it's not like it changed her view or made her apologetic, and it resulted in an angry woman screaming in my face how much of a disrespectful bitch I am for an hour and throwing things around my boyfriend's room.
It wasn't thought-out at all, just a reaction to hearing someone talk to him like that. Bad fucking idea.
Lesson learned.
smackem_yackem: Actually, you didn't fu. you did the right thing. If the two of you are going to stay together long term, your job is to become a team. In this case, you're supporting your partner. You just had the unpleasant result of getting screamed at.
[deleted]: Thanks. That's a good way to look at it. We've been together for three years and are planning on getting married one day. We made a really good team that day. He dealt with it really well, and it really had no effect on him- probably because he's so used to it. It was actually a pretty good bonding experience.
iama_XXL: My only question is why didn't he speak up? That's why I would say you fucked up, if he's willing to stand there and take it, then let him. My parents disrespected me once in public, I explained that public isn't the place for dirty laundry, and if they wanted to continue, they could call a cab because I wouldn't be taking them back home.
[deleted]: Probably because he knew what it would lead to. He said he does sometimes, but it only leads to more problems. He spoke up when she came after me, so that's good.
OG-logrus: I can tell you from personal experience that taking the path of least resistance fucks you over in the long run. At this point she has an emotional expectation to 99% of the time get whatever she wants, never be challenged on her bullshit, and to have people walk on eggshells around her. Basically she's half tyrant, half emotionally stunted child. She will not change, if your boyfriend can get out he should.
[deleted]: Yeah hopefully he can get out soon.
Triptolemu5: Get yourself this book: [Toxic parents](http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407) Then give it to him to read.
I can't recommend it highly enough in this situation. You'll get a good perspective on what he is going through.
Fair warning though, this is a situation that will take a bunch of effort on his part and yours. You didn't fuck up, you stood up for someone you cared about. You did the right thing, and he's lucky to have you.
Never again question yourself for standing up to that bitch. That's what she wants. She wants to control you. You are in the right, she is in the wrong.
[deleted]: Okay thanks:) Someone linked me to a .pdf of it, but he doesn't have a computer so I'll have to get the book for him. I'm reading it right now and it's really helpful, and I talked to my therapist today.
The affirmation that I did the right thing is helping me a lot. I'm glad I did it. He can hopefully get out of their house as soon as possible.
Triptolemu5: Can't say I'm surprised that he hasn't been allowed to move out. His finances are also probably very tightly controlled by her as well.
This is going to be a lot of work. But you really are doing the right thing. You have an uphill battle ahead of you and I wish you all the best. Love is patient, love is kind.
Also, I would recommend that he move into a neutral place like his own apartment, rather than move in with you.
[deleted]: Yeah he's working on finding an apartment. It's not that he's not allowed to move out, it's just his financial situation isn't great right now. He just started a full time job about three weeks ago, so hopefully he'll be able to soon.
Why would it be better for him to find his own place instead of move in with me?
Triptolemu5: > Why would it be better for him to find his own place instead of move in with me?
For a whole bunch of reasons.
First, if he has never lived on his own, he really should for his own personal growth and sense of independence and self worth. There's some things he is going to need to work on in his own time, in a space that is entirely his own, even moreso if he is trying to make a break from a controlling parent for the first time. He's probably never been allowed to be an individual.
Second, depending on the level of crazy that the mother is, it is going to be much less threatening to her that her son is moving into his own space first rather than just directly 'in with some tramp'. If there is going to be a salvageable relationship with the mother, it will potentially stop a whole bunch of future problems in their tracks. I can't say whether or not at this point there is going to be a salvageable relationship with her, but it's better to at least try not to be antagonistic where you can. (this does not mean bending to her whim, it means acting like an adult, even if she never does.) Also, if she is really crazy, it's a matter of personal safety for both you and him if you live in separate places because it's less threatening.
Third, it will actually help you give him better support in the ordeal, and will help you keep yourself sane if you have your own neutral space.
Fourth, moving out of your parents house and moving in with a girlfriend are both massive life changing events. It will be better if it is broken into several steps first. Because it will help cut down on some of the stress.
Even if he just lives on his own with some roommates for 6 months, it will be much better IMHO than moving directly in. I understand that financial situations can be pretty tight, but he can find roommates, or an apartment that is looking for one. I'm not saying never live with the guy, I'm just suggesting some caution and some smaller steps for now.
[deleted]: Makes sense. Thanks. :) I don't plan on moving in with him until summer or fall 2014.
| 13 | 27.461538 | |
1366630214 | 1366663448 | null | t5_2to41 | 100 | zfriderici: TIFU by having a "nightmare"
Allow me to set the scene: My friend and I had smoked the night before, and for some reason, this made me an insomniac and I couldn't sleep that night as a result. While he was asleep, I found myself Redditing, reading some good threads/a surprisingly good Dane Cross AMA, and then, [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1ctqjr/what_is_the_scariest_thing_youve_found_on_the/c9jwfix) comment in the "Scariest Shit on the Internet" thread.
I'll leave you, /r/TIFU to read the comic at your own peril/leasure, but suffice to say it did its job. I screamed and had the wits to close the laptop and attempt to play it off as a nightmare, which he seems to have bought...his mother may or may not have---she came down, sleeping gown and all, to figure out if we were OK.
All is calm(ish?) now, they all went back to sleep and I've dutifully recorded my fuck-up. Doubt I'll be doing much sleeping at all what with that damn thread about.
**tl;dr browsed "Scariest Internet Shit" thread on Reddit last night/this morning, got freaked out, screamed, threw the laptop and attempted to play it off as a nightmare, woke up pretty much everyone**
UPDATE: When we both woke up, had no idea what had happened and neither the Mom nor my friend saw the laptop. Success?
AdamJCLe: Ahh.. The good old bongcheong dong ghost. Takes me back to highschool. I guess I am a little desensitised to it now that I've seen it so many times to even care mentioning.
4heartace: I'm not desensitized at all and I've seen it so many times. I clicked the link and saw the asian writing and was like, "nope, nope, nope!" but this is the first time I've seen an english translation, I may read it... but not in the middle of class, or I'll have my own TIFU.
Autumnsprings: I recommend reading it on the toilet. That way, when you shit yourself, it's easier to clean up. :)
4heartace: Haha! I just read it, not as bad as I remember but still scary shit.
| 5 | 20 | |
1366638810 | 1366746046 | null | t5_2to41 | 333 | Frigidor: TIFU by finally say no to someone who needed "computer halp".
Some background; I'm staying at my grandma's for some exams in the local Uni and my uncle (Who's living here, also) asked me to do a website to improve one of his assignments and each time he would talk to me about it I would tell him how I feel 'bout it :
It's complicated, I don't have the tools to do it and mainly, I don't want to do it and spend some time on it. (Man, it would take a lot of time)
I must specify : I'm on holidays and my second session of exams (just finished the first one) is beginning in less than 10 days. Needless to say, I don't want to bother about some of this stuff.
Well I figured (since once people think you're good with computers you're some kind of divinity who can do anything comp related in a wink) I would say "No" for once. He tried to make me feel bad about it and now him and my grandma are giving me the ಠ\_ಠ face cause apparently [I have the time since I'm only playing games on mah computer...](http://arch.413chan.net/feelsbadman-\(n1305563518441\).jpg)
**TL;DR : Uncle asks me to do a website. I think it's too much and say no. ಠ\_ಠ
and awkwardness everywhere.**
Edit: typos
brian1037: I'm a web developer. Unless the website was some shit static splash page, why would he think you'd do it for free? Even basic sites can cost thousands, with complicated sites *easily* getting between $10,000 to $100,000. I'd never do a site for free.
Frigidor: It's supposed to be very basic. A copycat of a very simple site.
[Check it out](http://cote.ouest.mobilier.free.fr/)
^^Behold ^^! ^^French ^^Ahead.
brian1037: Alright, sure it's a simple site, but by no means should it be a freebie. I don't think you fucked up here, your family is just being a bunch of babies.
jarwastudios: I agree, the Uncle is just trying to use your skills for himself. If he were family, he'd at least offer to give some sort of compensation. I'd almost never build a site for anyone for free, and anyone who'd get mad at me for not being willing to and fuck right off.
saac22: Grandma could at least make cookies or something. Waffles, maybe? My grandma always made good waffles. I wrote a poem about them once.
I wanna tell myself this comment is too random and I should just 'cancel' it now...but waffles. :/
jarwastudios: Waffles sound amazing, I haven't had waffles, good waffles at that, in quite some time. I might need to correct that soon.
Jendoren: Fuck it. I'd make that website for a batch or 2 of cookies.
jarwastudios: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Waffle cookies! I think I'm onto something!
Jendoren: O.O Patent that shit
| 10 | 33.3 | |
1366658442 | 1366681252 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,979 | deffsight: TIFU: By chewing on a plastic straw.
So I'm sitting at my desk at work minding my own business chewing on a plastic straw, which I do quite often while working just out of habit. I happened to bite off a piece of the straw, and while the small piece was still in my mouth I accidentally breathed in too hard effectively lodging the small piece of plastic into the back of my throat. I instantly start coughing with no luck of removing it, then almost immediately after my gag reflex begins to kick in. I start to panic at the thought of vomiting at my desk, so I get up to make a run for the bathroom. I make it no more than 5 steps and then begin to projectile vomit the burrito I had for lunch all over a nearby wall. Needless to say I'm a bit embarrassed; I'm now sitting at my desk deciding whether to fake sick or own up to my stupidity.
LegginMF12: Fake sick, go home early. You get to go home early with your dignity intact! LOL
ifrit1100: Except if someone else in the workplace reads TIFU!
Dantethebald: OP messed up with the burrito detail.
If quickly edited to a salad, they can still pull it off.
ifrit1100: You'll have to edit the burrito part too. As will I in this comment.
Dantethebald: ~~Taco~~ Burrito, I thought it was pizza?
[I think this establishes reasonable doubt.](/spoiler)
MyPasswordIsNotTacos: My time has finally come!
TheEternallyRustled: No, I'm pretty sure your password is pizza.
magikoopa: Tacopizza
jianadaren1: Can I have a pizza your taco?
| 10 | 197.9 | |
1366658419 | 1366659913 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | itsme_notmario: TIFU by spilling nature valley crumbs on my keyboard
Not only is it a mess, but now some of my keys are more difficult to press. DAMN YOU NATURE VALLEY
spedione: Try gently removing the keys from the keyboard and cleaning the crumbs out. Be careful, if they are the scissor mechanism, it can be very easy to break them!
itsme_notmario: after this, there will be another TIFU - I broke the keys on my keyboard lol
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1366659540 | 1366676281 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | noseonarug17: TIFU by waking up at 2am and drinking too much coffee at breakfast
**this is really long - you might just want to skip to the tl;dr**
So yesterday by 9:30 I was really tired and decided to get ready for bed (normally I go to bed 11 or later). I think I probably fell asleep a little after 10 but randomly woke up around 1am and couldn't fall back to sleep. At 2:05 I decided to just get up and do stuff because it was clear I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. Got on my laptop, played some Dishonored, went on reddit (have you read [the story of her holding an orange](http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/10nadn/i_am_a_grown_logical_man_crying_tears_of_horror/)? it's quite good), whatever.
I have class at 8:30 on Mondays, so I usually get up around 7:30 - time enough to shower, pack up my stuff, and grab a quick breakfast - but since I was already up I took my shower around 6:30, moseyed around reddit a little longer, and then went and chatted with people in the student center until the caf opened at 7:30. When it opened, I found some friends to sit with and made myself a nice bowl of generic Froot Loops and a cup of this french vanilla coffee their cappuccino machine hacks up - I only drink the kind of coffee that is a disgrace to the name of coffee, you see.
Normally this stuff is pretty good, albeit rich, but today it was sort of weird. I ignored it, though, because I was already five or six hours into a 3-hour-sleep day. I had two cups at breakfast and then a big mug throughout my first class to make sure I stayed awake. (Caffeine wears off pretty fast for me but as long as I can pick it up and take another sip I'll keep going.) When I got out of class around 9:40, I finished off the dregs and went to the bathroom to rinse out my mug and take a dump.
Usually I hardly have to wipe and don't drop a deuce more than once a day - less, if anything. This one was a bit softer than usual, but not too much, and it was a big'un, so I figured that'd keep my colon happy for a while. I went to my next class and took a test (C++, ooh boy) and then walked back to my room and nap. My roommate decided to make me go to lunch/elevensies with him instead of sleep, but I just had water because I had a stomacheache starting to get bad. Halfway back to our room I realized I probably just hadn't eaten enough for the time I'd been up (it was about 11:15) and the amount of coffee I'd had. When we got there, I felt a need to go to the Super Bowl and drop trou again - twice in under two hours, a big warning sign for me - and this time the product of my labors was smaller and even softer. I had to wipe way more than I usually do and it was a humbling experience for me, a one-wipe man.
My stomach was still bemoaning my poor food choices for the day, so I had a quick snack - Snyder's of Hanover, bacon and cheddar flavor - but before long, my stomachache came back. This time I thought I'd had too much, but then I needed to visit the loo again. This was the worst yet: a leaky faucet clogged with soggy pieces of popcorn chicken. You know when you get a hot fudge sundae from DQ and eat all the fudge, and then you're left with a bunch of melted soft serve and small, soft chunks of dying ice cream? That's basically what it was. That cappuccino crap turned out to be Drano for the human digestive system and now I'm sitting here dreading the potential for another anal leakage.
**tl;dr guzzled more than half a liter of Drano sapiens**
imadeaname: >have you heard the story of her holding an orange?
Well gee, I wonder why you couldn't sleep.
noseonarug17: Haha nah, didn't read that until 5ish.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1366671545 | 1366752035 | null | t5_2to41 | 47 | jobuski: TIFU by forgetting to wash my hands
So last night, my girlfriend and I were having the sexy times. Since we were in the car, I had prepared for (almost) everything to clean up the mess. I'm congratulating myself for actually having everything to cover up my tracks, thinking "Well fuck, there's no way one will have any idea what kind of bodily fluids are being expelled here, good fucking job!" Got my lube, got my towels, got my water, gum, another towel, and even a motherfucking Febreeze, so I'm ready for this shit.
At one point, after going down on my girlfriend, I start using my magic fingers on my right hand and doing the magic performance on her g-spot. Now, my girlfriend is a squirter, but I made sure she was sitting on a heavily layered towel. No surprise that after a few minutes she's squirting all over the fucking towel and my hand. By this time, I'm thinking to myself "You're the fucking man, you've unlocked the secret to pleasing a woman twice now. You're girlfriend can't stop smiling, you sex god bastard you." A quick wipe of my hand on the towel, clean up, cuddle time, and I begin to drive her back to her house. Totally fine, right?
Wrong. This is where the fuck up happens.
Me, being the polite gentleman I am, walk my girlfriend back to her door. The usual "Thank you for such a great night! I loved that movie! Love you too!" bit. Her dad answers the door and welcomes me like he always does. Like always, he extends his hand out for a nice, man's handshake.
And me, being the genius son of a bitch that I am, SHAKE HIS FUCKING HAND WITH MY RIGHT HAND. THE SAME GODDAMN HAND THAT I WAS LITERALLY JUST FUCKING HIS DAUGHTER WITH. THE SAME FUCKING HAND THAT HAD MY GIRLFRIEND'S CUM, SQUIRT, LUBE, AND MY SPIT ON. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, I LOOKED HIM SQUARE IN THE EYE WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE.
And I swear to god, I worried that he saw the brief moment of absolute realization in my eyes. Fucked your daughter. With this hand. The one touching you right now. God.... At least my hand was dry and not even sticky. He didn't even notice, and I got away clean. The whole time driving home was spent kicking myself for forgetting a fucking wipe.
TL;DR: Fingered girlfriend, she squirted and came all over hand, shook her father's hand with the same one literally 25 minutes after.
lolitsdamian: Wish my girl would squirt
jobuski: Words can't describe how amazing it is.
PassTheDopamine: Please, tell us if the glory oh great one!
killamike49: Basically imagine a girl being really into it. Then just pissing all over your face. And you love that shit.
| 5 | 9.4 | |
1366673161 | 1366846736 | null | t5_2to41 | 140 | Senorginger64: TIFU by Not Opening A Window
It started off like any other day; wake up, get my clothes on, brush my teeth, head out. The rest of my day was relatively average up until the time I got home. My mom asked me if I could paint my sister's old room so that it would cover of the awful design and ungodly amounts of blood on the walls. (another story for another time) Now I'm not normally a guy who does anything even remotely related to interior design or home decorating or whatever you want to call the shit that makes your home look pretty, but I figured painting a little 10x10 room shouldn't be too hard. I got all my paint tools and whatnot, put some paint in the pan and started rollin' my roller from wall to wall. I didn't stop to think that maybe, with what seems to be the strongest smelling paint in all paintdom, I should have some kind of clean air flowing through this tiny ass room. An hour rolls by and I start to think something may be wrong when I realize I'm basically lying down painting sideways and giggling like a giddy schoolgirl. This is where I begin to understand where I fucked up. I'm more light headed than a heroin addict sucking up helium and can't manage to walk in a straight line to save my life. Not only that, but I managed to get paint everywhere and I mean EVERYWHERE. My arms, my hands, the walls, the back of the cat's head, it was bad. The paint won't come off either, and there's no paint thinner or anything around. So here I am, halfway on my high horse when two people decide to show up. My father, who has a "I hate everyone and I don't give a damn." attitude, and my mother who despises anything that reminds here of drugs. When they get home is when the fun starts. My mom freaks out asking if I'm using her house as a hideaway hole for nefarious drug purposes and starts lecturing me about how "Drugs are bad MMkay." She finally stops talking and I get a chance to ask my dad how to get paint off of me without paint thinner, but it doesn't exactly come out right and I don't remember exactly what I said but his response was "Gasoline". I told myself "this can't possibly have any negative repercussions" and grabbed the gas can from the garage and essentially took a bath. Did I mention my father is an asshole with a twisted sense of humor? He came outside and started clicking a damn lighter at me saying "Hope it don't catch!" So here I sit, still feeling the paint killing my brain cells at a steady pace and praying I'll wake up in the morning.
TL;DR: Painted a tiniest of tiny rooms with a paint that had the smelliest of smells and managed to get high off my ass and almost lit on fire.
monstaro: bathing in gasoline seems extremely dangerous...
Senorginger64: Damn good paint thinner though.
TierOne: So, wait, it actually worked?
Senorginger64: Yes, yes it did.
TierOne: Now I just have to figure out how to get car grease/oil off my skin.. I'm thinking mercury.
| 6 | 23.333333 | |
1366674920 | 1366732140 | null | t5_2to41 | 65 | [deleted]: TIFU by telling a guy to fuck off.
So, there I was, sitting in the backseat of a cab, waiting for the light to turn green. I had my earbuds on and the music was quite loud. Thats when I saw this guy with a lab coat and face paint on approach first vehicle in the line of cars waiting, talk to them for a bit, receive some money from the driver and walk to the next car.
See, here in Brazil (this may happen in other countries, I don't know), there is a tradition to, if you get into college, cover yourself in body paint, put on an ornament used by the professionals in the area you are majoring in (lab coat for med students, tie for law students, books for language students, etc) and go to the streets to ask for money. I think this is the most ridiculous thing ever. There are a lot of beggars that actually need money and feel ashamed to do it and these rich white kids go around asking for money as a fun thing to do. Every time I see a guy doing this I will walk away or sometimes I will call them out on how much of an asshat he is for doing this.
This particular day I was really upset. I had a fight with my mom and some guy had tried to mug me earlier. All of that added to my headache and this guy asking for money he didn't need pushed me over the edge. As he approached the my cab, I screamed **FUCK OFF** to him. His expression changed from a smile to a surprise/sad face and moved on to the next car.
I removed my earbuds to hear something my cabdriver was trying to say and then I heard the man with the face paint saying to the couple in the car behind us; "Hi, my name is X and I work in the cancer ward at the children's hospital. We are looking for donations to buy a TV for the kids.".
Fucking damn it.
Note: I tried to call him over to apologize and donate some money but the lights tuned green. :-[
shirtandtieler: Chances are, that this event was more scarring to you than to him. Anytime you work with the public (no matter where you are in the world), there are going to be disrespectful people. So although I fully feel for you and probably would have accidentally done the same thing (and feel just as bad about it), just deem it as an accident and let bring about a better day tomorrow :)
[deleted]: That gave me a smile. Thanks.
Professor_Derpsalot: In the US the only people that come to your car for money are firefighters who raise money for charity (like cancer) and then donate it to the charity. I think they do this to avoid fakes. Also beggars sometimes come to your car window, but will usually wait for you to put some money out of the window before crossing the street.
Well at least this is true for Texas.
| 4 | 16.25 | |
1366679396 | 1366689861 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: TIFU by cleaning my ingrown toenails
I had my toenails dealt with last year, I had them dug out and snipped. All went well, after a few months my toes felt a lot better. Fast forward to the last few months and my nails have become ingrown again. Damn my father's genes.
Anyway, so I'm cleaning the toenail yesterday, pulling out a bit that's sticking in my toe. It hurts, but nothing more than usual. I notice that there's a callus on the tip of my toe, and I'm worried that the nail will grow into. I decide to snip away just a little bit of that callus.
It bled ever so slightly, nothing terrible. I ignored it and proceeded to walk around barefoot in the back yard. I took a shower a bit later, my toe still *looked* fine, and it *felt* mostly fine. It hurt just a little bit, considering I cut away just a tiny bit too much.
So now my boyfriend and I are ravenous, I hadn't eaten all day and it was around 2pm. I put on closed toe shoes. Big mistake. The foot sweat, because it was hot outside, really irritated the cut. And because I was wearing shoes that don't require socks, they're not exactly the cleanest inside (dirt and skin particulates). We were walking around a lot because we had to go to the grocery store, and we found someone's dog roaming around, so we took her for a walk to see if we might run into the owner. Too much walking on a funked toe.
So it hurts a little, whatever. We go to bed later in the evening. I wake up in the middle of the night with my toe hurting like a sonovabitch. I don't feel like dealing with it, so I just keep my foot out from under the covers because the slight pressure from the blanket hurts.
I've pretty much resolved at this point that my toe is infected. I'm going to soak it in epsom salts tonight to hopefully relieve some pressure and clean it out.
I need to schedule another appointment with the podiatrist soon anyway, so I'm going to have him fix my toe up proper. I'm sure what little infection is there will clear up by then.
**tl/dr:** Cleaned out an ingrown toenail, cut away some callus, it seems to have gotten infected. Ouchies.
[deleted]: I used to get infected ingrowns all the time when I was younger. They hurt like hell! Hope you feel better :(
acidiclust: Thanks! I just dug out a sliver of callus from between the nail and the edge of my toe. Oh.my.god. It already feels leagues better.
| 3 | 1.666667 | |
1366686712 | 1366786067 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | ShackleJackle: TIFU by eating a pound of clodhoppers
Alright, this was last night that I truly fucked up.
My buddy and I had smoked some pot and got some mad munchies. This led us to an adventure down to Bulk Barn. Once we arrived there we went our ways to find what we wanted to satisfy our munchies with. I decided to go with the brilliant choice of getting a pound of delicious Clodhoppers. Once we got home we watched the movie Robots while him and I snacked on our purchases.
Now lets fast forward a few hours.
Me and my buddy were hanging out at another friends place just for a visit. I got a text from my sister that her and her friend were going to come up for the day and visit and then added that her friend thought I was good looking. I thought to myself that's pretty sweet considering her friend was really good looking myself. I sent her a message back saying that I thought her friend was good looking as well. All the sudden her friend began texting me from her phone saying some flirty messages and pretty much sealed the deal with her for when she got into town. I was excited and nervous at the same time and my stomach began feeling funny but figured it was from the emotions and thought nothing of it.
Now lets jump to the point of her arriving with my sister and having them along with my friend and I sitting down watching Harry Potter.
So all of us are comfortable now all chilling out watching some Harry Potter, knowing the inevitable of my sisters friend and I having sex some point during the night. Once the movie reached around the halfway point my friend suggests going out for a smoke and my sister, my sisters friend, wanted to partake so they all left. Me however had to use the washroom to make sure I didn't have to go later. Once everyone was done my sisters friend came down back into the room while my sister and my friend stayed outside to give me and her a chance to start things. I got out and sat comfortably next to her and all the sudden my gut pulls a Billy Mays and so i go to deal with it quickly. After doing that and getting comfortable. My body decides to do the same thing AGAIN.
This occurred all the way till the movie ended.
By this time i said fuck it and just started making out with her in the room to fight for the chance to do it. I felt like I was FINALLY DONE and it was finally going to go in my favor. BUT FUCK THAT, my body says " hey bro, time for another round." I apologized to her for leaving again and go deal with my issues.
My friend and sister arrived back and all chances were lost. So we all sat down and put in School of Rock and watched that. Thinking I had no chances left. MY BODY DECIDED THAT IT WAS FINALLY DONE. A couple minutes into the movie a ask her if she wants to try one last time and she says she's too tired. My chance was blown and I never got to do it.
TIFU by eating a pound of clodhoppers and having it blow my chances with my sisters friend.
NightHawk877: What's a clodhopper?
ShackleJackle: [Chocolate deliciousness](http://www.healthyfundraisingusa.com/Pics/Clodhoppers/Clodhoppers.jpg)
[deleted]: That is considerably different than the shoe I was imagining.
| 4 | 2.5 | |
1366694496 | 1366713115 | null | t5_2to41 | 30 | docjones12: TIFU By making my roommate's 84 year old grandmother cry.
I have two roommates where I live and last night one of them wasn't home. Me and my other roommate had a few drinks and, wow, what do you know: there's my roommates computer sitting in the corner.
All of us knew what had to be done. Log in, mess with Facebook. It's a bold move, but we had to see if it would pay off. We changed multiple parts of our dear roommates Facebook page, but the cream of the crop was liking the page "Penis Enlargment". The consensus was in: we were geniuses.
Fast-forward to around 3 PM today. My roommate calls me and tells me "My 84 year old grandmother saw that I liked penis enlargement and started crying. I have a message from my dad and I need you assholes to fix the problem now. You got on my computer last night, so I know you can do it today."
Woops.
tl;dr grandmothers don't like penis enlargement for their grandsons.
exilelexxii: I think his grandma cried because he didnt poke her back on facebook and his dad was mad cause grandma called him.
dukeofdan: I see what you did there
exilelexxii: Let's play Yahtzee
| 4 | 7.5 | |
1366683969 | 1366772481 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | qpalz: TIFU by almost burning my house down.
So I'm in my room and I was burning little pieces of paper on my desk like any teenage kid does. I decided to rip a page out of packet and light it on fire. The fire grows a little too much for comfort and I ended up throwing it out my window to save my room. It lands in a pile of dead leaves which turns into a small inferno which turns into a large inferno. I run downstairs and grab a glass for water and I start running back and forth between the bathroom and my window, pouring a glass full of water on this fire, finally suppressing it after letting an unhealthy amount of smoke into my room. My parents then come upstairs and ask my what that smell is and my only explanation is that I was burning a piece of paper on my desk and they accuse me of smoking weed. Now I have to deal with them when they find the huge spot of charred backyard in the morning and they think I'm doing drugs. TIFU
Lamaomgrofl: Whenever I burn stuff I make sure to do it while everyone's sleeping and in the kitchen, so that everyone assumes it's part of normal kitchen smells.
the-clopness-monster: They sleep in the kitchen?
Lamaomgrofl: I could've phrased that better
| 4 | 3 | |
1366715489 | 1366753318 | null | t5_2to41 | 825 | jarizzle151: TIFU by hiding an Eviltron in my co-workers laptop bag.
So for some time now, I've been working with a few coworkers and we like to play little games with each other. Turing the desktop upside down, reconfiguring office furniture, you know, trivial office humor. So I decide that on April Fools, I'm going to get an Eviltron and place it inside my coworkers printer. She had to be at work at 3am so I know she would be out of it and the noises would scare her. They didn't. Instead she handed it back to me saying 'nice try.'
Fast forward to last weekend. One of our old co-workers from the building came in for some IT work. She has always been a little pushy with me in a fun way so I decided to play a little prank on her. She is a mid-twenties single mother of 2. She left to use the bathroom and I slid the Eviltron into her laptop bag. Thought nothing about it the entire weekend until I showed up to work yesterday and was blindsided by the events that transpired that Friday night.
Apparently, the device went off when she came back from the bathroom but my in-office co-worker realized I had put it in there and was playing along with the gag. The ex-coworker which I will call "Lisa" asked if she hear a little girl laughing. My buddy who was obviously in on the gag now played along and said 'no.'
Fast forward to Friday night. Lisa puts her kids to bed and throws her laptop bag under her bed. The Eviltron is still active and from what she told me said 'Can you hear me?' and it startled her. Having a burgulary happen a few months before, she was on edge. I did not know this event had occured. Next, Lisa says she heard what she thought was a door opening and she immediately grabbed her kids and all ran into the bathroom where she locked the door and called the police. The kids are crying and Lisa is visibly shaken when the police get there and she points them to the direction of the noises. They eventually find the device and she is utterly embarrased.
I came into work and my coworkers told me the happenings. And now I feel like a giant douche in the middle of a turd sandwich. She is really pissed at me and I'm sure she's going to get me back some how.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Downvoted because what the fuck is an Eviltron?
nashgasm: so you down vote a post because you don't understand and can't google to find out what an eviltron is, even though from context its obviously a small concealable noisemaker? you're a turd.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: So when somebody tells me a story that centrally involves an item I've never fucking heard of in several decades of living in several countries, and never bothers to even provide basic exposition regarding its nature, I'm a turd for not feeling the onus to perform additional research?
nashgasm: no your a turd for downvoting rather than just shrugging and turning away. you chose to take an action to directly disapprove of the post. if you dont understand, dont say its good, dont say its bad, just move the fuck on. this 'onus of additional research' is bullshit, its typing one fucking word in one of the worlds most accessible search engines, and there are several available. besides, as i pointed out, the context of the post _clearly_ demonstrates that it is a small, easily concealed device which makes a variety of sounds. which is all you need to know. grow the fuck up.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: No, in the first two paragraphs, all I know is that it's small and that it makes noises when combined with a printer. That's literally it. Anyone who thinks I'm wrong here is seriously an idiot. The downvote button is designed exactly for this. If he doesn't want a downvote, he should tell stories better. No participation medals in my neighborhood. The real world would shit all over any written submission that lacks proper contextualizing information.
*you're
nashgasm: and in the rest of the post you see it make noise in her laptop bag in the opffice, as well as at night after the bag is thrown under the bed. you also garner an understanding of the kinds of noises, from childs laughter to a creaking door to someone asking if they can be heard. so, from context, we see a named device, with a capital at the start of the name, so its obviously an actual name or product, we see it is small enough to be hidden around a printer or laptop bag unnoticed, we see it makes sounds of doors, laughter and people, we see it has a power source of its own as it acts in the bad. that is a pretty damned clear contextual description of what an Eviltron is. are you wrong for not knowing what an eviltron is? no. are you wrong for claiming there is no context, for being lazy, for being a combative prick in the way you put forth your paragraphs, and for only trying to contextualize from two paragraphs disregarding the rest of OP's post, yes, yes you are wrong.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: So I should be several paragraphs deep before I even understand the main premise of the post?
I'll go ahead and answer my own question here: no, no I shouldn't.
And I'm combative, but you've called me a prick, a turd twice, and told me to grow the fuck up.
Who's combative?
nashgasm: what an eviltron is is NOT the main premise of the post. the main premise of the post is OP put a device in an occasional coworkers bag, she ended up calling the cops after a series of unforseen circumstances. now OP feels like a douchenoggle. if what you took away from OPs post is that all he wants to do is describe what an eviltron is, no wonder you cant understand context.
*response to your ninja edit* yes i did, and look at how you acted in response to op. i never claimed i wasnt being combative.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Okay, detective, take the eviltron out of the post and see how much sense it makes.
nashgasm: shall we replace the word 'eviltron' with 'device'? seems like that would make sense, rather than just making it seem OP Accidentally a word.
**EDIT** So for some time now, I've been working with a few coworkers and we like to play little games with each other. Turing the desktop upside down, reconfiguring office furniture, you know, trivial office humor. So I decide that on April Fools, I'm going to get **a Device** and place it inside my coworkers printer. She had to be at work at 3am so I know she would be out of it and the noises would scare her. They didn't. Instead she handed it back to me saying 'nice try.'
Fast forward to last weekend. One of our old co-workers from the building came in for some IT work. She has always been a little pushy with me in a fun way so I decided to play a little prank on her. She is a mid-twenties single mother of 2. She left to use the bathroom and I slid the **Device** into her laptop bag. Thought nothing about it the entire weekend until I showed up to work yesterday and was blindsided by the events that transpired that Friday night.
Apparently, the device went off when she came back from the bathroom but my in-office co-worker realized I had put it in there and was playing along with the gag. The ex-coworker which I will call "Lisa" asked if she hear a little girl laughing. My buddy who was obviously in on the gag now played along and said 'no.'
Fast forward to Friday night. Lisa puts her kids to bed and throws her laptop bag under her bed. The **Device** is still active and from what she told me said 'Can you hear me?' and it startled her. Having a burgulary happen a few months before, she was on edge. I did not know this event had occured. Next, Lisa says she heard what she thought was a door opening and she immediately grabbed her kids and all ran into the bathroom where she locked the door and called the police. The kids are crying and Lisa is visibly shaken when the police get there and she points them to the direction of the noises. They eventually find the device and she is utterly embarrased.
I came into work and my coworkers told me the happenings. And now I feel like a giant douche in the middle of a turd sandwich. She is really pissed at me and I'm sure she's going to get me back some how.
there you go, can you understand any context now?? i eddited in the areas i replaced eviltron with in an obvious manner.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: No. My point is that it is an integral part of the story, in fact the most interesting part by far. Changing its name won't highlight that the story is nothing without that element that OP flagrantly neglected to flesh out.
nashgasm: so instead, to prove your point, you choose to completely remove it from the story giving the viewer no chance to contextualize a meaning, in fact intentionally removing any chance to understand it? rather than making op's writing look like shit with holes where forgotten words are, in my post above i replaced eviltron with Device, bolded for convenience, and keep in mind device is a word op used to refer to the eviltron. d'you get it? can you contextualize some things about the device? understand the story?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: You said it wasn't the main premise; I said the story wouldn't come close to working without it. Try to keep up.
nashgasm: ok, try this version::
So for some time now, I've been working with a few coworkers and we like to play little games with each other. Turing the desktop upside down, reconfiguring office furniture, you know, trivial office humor. So I decide that on April Fools, I'm going to get an ________ and place it inside my coworkers printer. She had to be at work at 3am so I know she would be out of it and the noises would scare her. They didn't. Instead she handed it back to me saying 'nice try.' Fast forward to last weekend. One of our old co-workers from the building came in for some IT work. She has always been a little pushy with me in a fun way so I decided to play a little prank on her. She is a mid-twenties single mother of 2. She left to use the bathroom and I slid the _______ into her laptop bag. Thought nothing about it the entire weekend until I showed up to work yesterday and was blindsided by the events that transpired that Friday night. Apparently, the device went off when she came back from the bathroom but my in-office co-worker realized I had put it in there and was playing along with the gag. The ex-coworker which I will call "Lisa" asked if she hear a little girl laughing. My buddy who was obviously in on the gag now played along and said 'no.' Fast forward to Friday night. Lisa puts her kids to bed and throws her laptop bag under her bed. The _________ is still active and from what she told me said 'Can you hear me?' and it startled her. Having a burgulary happen a few months before, she was on edge. I did not know this event had occured. Next, Lisa says she heard what she thought was a door opening and she immediately grabbed her kids and all ran into the bathroom where she locked the door and called the police. The kids are crying and Lisa is visibly shaken when the police get there and she points them to the direction of the noises. They eventually find the device and she is utterly embarrased. I came into work and my coworkers told me the happenings. And now I feel like a giant douche in the middle of a turd sandwich. She is really pissed at me and I'm sure she's going to get me back some how.
so, there, does that help? it still seems clearly legible to me.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: It seems clear to you because you're prepared to accept this as a critical thinking task, and you're perfectly capable of making inferences and understanding the limited information you have.
If the post you just made were submitted to you with no context, you would find it upsetting that what should have been a simple story is instead some uninteresting game with no prize at the end--nobody solves the riddle for you, and you're left wondering why you even read it. Submit something like that to TIFU and every single comment will be about the blanks. Obviously.
nashgasm: everything i read i read critically, its a great habit to get into, especially if you are reading autobiographical anecdotes on another persons daily experiences. i dont need to know what the missing word is to understand the actual story, the actual point to the post. i would not find the post upsetting. i may wonder what the missing word is, i may even be intrigued into wanting to buy such a device and frustrated i have to do a bit of research, however not having that word does not obfuscate that op caused a traumatizing event for a woman and children due to circumstances he didnt know and feels like a douchewaggle for it. thats the purpose of the post. if a post with blanks such as these was submitted to TIFU, people would comment about the blanks, but that is a secondary consideration because they would have been able to understand the actual gist of the main post.
so, considering how it is written in the above post, do you get enough context to know op put a device in a bag that makes sounds, and events toppled from there? or can you not get past those blanks?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: I might seem retarded to you, but I actually am not. I understand all of this perfectly well. None of this changes the fact that the original post annoyed me to read, and if it were told in real life, the raconteur would be immediately axed what an Eviltron is. I pointed out his failure in storytelling, and nearly everyone present for my show has been too upset by my delivery to accept the lesson.
nashgasm: false. i believe nearly everyone present for this show has disagreed with you. i posit that they understand references to the device that makes noise and get the actual point of the post, as i explained it was several times previous i will not do so now. i have called you names and used curses, i have not called you retarded or mentally handicapped. you however did not really ask what an eviltron is. you said imma take a shit on the post, and what the fuck is an eviltron anyways. in real life people would instead say 'so what is this eviltron again?' or some such.
also, for a grammar nazi., you are slipping: asked**
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: You seriously think I axidentally wrote axed? Where do people like you even come from?
One person specifically said he agreed with me, but my delivery threw him off. Only three or four people even addressed my concern at all, so that's a sizable percentage.
I did not axe what an Eviltron is because that's very easy to Google, as many have pointed out. My intention was, as I have stated several times, to point out the shortcomings of OP's delivery.
nashgasm: i do not doubt that you used 'axe' intentionally, however [grammatically it is incorrect.](http://www.thefreedictionary.com/axe). only three or four people having voiced their opinions mean only three or four even want to engage such a dumb issue. your double digit downvotes tell me that additional people disagreed however chose not to verbally engage you. i am glad we have come around to a point where you are no longer able to defend your initial issue, and have moved on to different subjects of debate. if you have something pertinent to add, i will respond immediately, however if all relevant avenues of discussion have been exhausted, i wish you a good day. in other words, i am giving you [the axe](http://www.thefreedictionary.com/axe).
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: ...if you think we're not still discussing me initial issue, I don't even...are you multiple people sharing one account or something? Anterograde amnesia?
And you're so smart about grammar; teach me more!
nashgasm: i would prefer to work on your critical reasoning and analytical reading skills, they seem to need the most work, and after all i am not a grammar nazi such as yourself, so i dont hold myself to the same bar you apparently hold to others. i am not multiple people, at least when i take my meds, though memory problems do run in my family, so that would be my bet. do tell me, how are you still confused about what an eviltron is? i thought that was your issue.
'me initial issue' do be a dear and realize it should be 'my initial issue'.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Okay, bro, here we go.
*I
*;
*I
*Nazi
*you
*I
*don't
*others to
*I
*Do
*:
*Eviltron
*I
nashgasm: finally, the pettiness i always expected. alas, i feel you have lost the gist of what i said as well as that of OP. have a good day.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: *Finally
*I
*Alas
*I
*I
*Have
nashgasm: so now that you have had a chance to reread the issue in question, and all the supporting arguments, do you still hold your position?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: I'd like you to tell me what you think "[my] position" is first, actually.
nashgasm: That 'Eviltron' is integral to understanding the post OP made, that there is not enough context to understand what an 'Eviltron' is or does, even in the most simplistic and basic manner, and that without the word 'Eviltron', whether replaced with a neutral word such as 'Device' or replaced with straight _____, the original post is illegible.
you have stated the above multiple times throughout the conversation, especially in regards to what is the main point of the post.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: The phrase is "in regard to."
>That 'Eviltron' is integral to understanding the post OP made
**YES**
>that there is not enough context to understand what an 'Eviltron' is or does
Pretty much
>even in the most simplistic and basic manner, and that without the word 'Eviltron', whether replaced with a neutral word such as 'Device' or replaced with straight _____, the original post is illegible.
**No.**
So yes, I still hold my initial position, which is **that the OP did not do a good job contextualizing the elements in his story.**
nashgasm: dont cut it up in a manner which is not intended. do you think there is not enough context in the story to understand what an eviltron is or does in the most basic manner?
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Absolutely.
And the commas you put in your post means I can absolutely cut up the items. You don't just get to spew as many words as you'd like and force me to swallow them all.
nashgasm: the commas in question were directly linked to the statement, which if cut up properly, would read ' that there is not enough context to understand what an 'Eviltron' is or does, even in the most simplistic and basic manner,'. the separated phrase (appositive?) is clearly relating to the level of understanding about the eviltron, and is not a part of the list though it is nested in it.
honestly it comes down to a basic lack of ability for you to analytically read Op's post. dont blame that on OP, blame that on your highschool or grade school lit teachers. have a good day.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: I'll blame that on my three perfect SAT/SAT II scores relating to the English language, I guess.
And even if I could guess what it was (I thought it was some sort of female, talking doll), the onus should never be on me to guess.
nashgasm: that is your opinion. however, i would question your up to date understanding and ability, these things have been known to fade with time if you dont use them, just like understanding of any language.
congrats on your three perfect scores, at least we both know how to take standardized tests to a similar degree. have a nice day.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: >that is your opinion
Holy shit, you've found me out!
Who else's opinion would it be? Ryan Reynolds's?
Hahahaha judging by the compositional quality of your posts and your general grasp of punctuation and mood, I'd say the degree is far from "similar."
nashgasm: just because i choose a writing style similar to ee cummings does not mean that i dont have a strong grasp of punctuation and mood. it just means i make a conscious choice to create my own way of typing. judging your inability to read analytically nor use critical thinking on the fly to break down a simple essay to find context for an unknown word, i would think you are exaggerating your test scores, however i give you the benefit of the doubt in a positive manner.
i like ryan rynolds, btw.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: See, the way you misused "nor" really reveals your grasp on the language. I'm sharp enough to see when you miss a subjunctive or screw up an idiom. It has nothing to do with Cummings; don't bullshit me.
I've already told you that I could use context and roughly understand the function of the device. Your inability to internalize that only casts further doubt on your own comprehension skills.
nashgasm: right. above you poked at my grasp of mood and punctuation, which is where the stylings of ee cummings come into play. it might be the fact that when i write, i write in a conversational manner rather than how i would write for a term paper or for a publication. different levels of editing, and indeed different levels of giving a fuck can impact the technical accuracy of a statement, however i believe you have been able to understand the meaning of the statements regardless of their technical correctness according to a review board.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: You're about the 10,000,000th person I've met who claims that educated Standard English is something he just totally switches on and off as the situation dictates. As if it were ever appropriate to use "nor" the way you did before, or "in regards to," or that if he only cared more about the composition in question, his powers of using the subjunctive would suddenly reappear. He's just deliberately committing these common usage errors even though he totally knows better.
nashgasm: is it easy to just turn it on or off? no it absolutely isnt. however, that doesnt mean i want to spend a ton of extra time i write an im or text proofing it and checking it. are you telling me you spit out publications without the need to proofread or edit? without making mistakes etc? bullshit. i have been through the publication process, i have written for journals, and i know how to write a term paper. i am not saying it is _easy_ to turn standard english on or off. but it saves me time and mental capacity only using it when i need to. if you notice, i have not defended the incorrect use of nor, i did not defend my use of in regards to, because you are right, they are iimproper, and if i chose to contest that i would lose. why would i contest something i know is incorrect on my part? in the end it doesnt matter what you choose to think, i am someone on the other side of a computer screen you know nothing about. go ahead, judge me. who am i? whats my level of education? where did i go to college? my major(s)? what foreign languages have i studies? what is my profession? if you can tell so much from my use or lack of use of standard english, please expound. otherwise fuck off.
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: I'll fuck off on my own terms. All I can tell is that you lied when you said that we perform similarly on standardized English exams. You keep framing this as a question of proofreading. It's not about what you check; it's about what you *know.* A typo or a missed capital letter does not indicate ignorance. Many other errors, however, very much do. No amount of proofing or checking will make you know things you don't know.
nashgasm: however proofing and editing allow you to correct items which you see are incorrect. that is the very reason to proof and edit. when you write a draft, it is a draft and subject to change, not a polished product. did you ever wonder if i purposefully leave some of these mistakes just to piss you off? or are your critical reasoning skills low enough that such a possibility didnt cross your mind? what are my test scores then if you know i lied? on which tests? piss off
Gr8WhiteGrammarNazi: Maybe you missed what I just wrote. You keep framing this as a question of proofreading. It's not about what you check; it's about what you know. A typo or a missed capital letter does not indicate ignorance. Many other errors, however, very much do. No amount of proofing or checking will make you know things you don't know.
Someone like me would never even make most of the mistakes I've seen you make. *That's* how I know.
I'm actually embarrassed for you that you've started down the "Nuh uh, I *meant* to screw up!" road. You should have never started a war of language criticism if you're so insecure about your own capabilities.
| 44 | 18.75 | |
1366705418 | 1366753037 | null | t5_2to41 | 91 | [deleted]: TIFU: By saying "Fucking..." before remembering I was in a gym with rules against swearing right next to a kid.
I was trying to strike up conversation with somebody at a new gym I'm talking to a few guys that were interested in parkour and letting me join their group. I found out that some of them knew my Coworker, who's nickname is Carl. As a joke there we often exclaim "fucking Carl!" when dealing with her.
This wasn't met well when I looked down and remembered there was an 8 year old sitting right behind one of the guys I was talking to and part of their group. The gym also didn't permit swearing. Awkward situation all around and less than 10 seconds later everyone just split up and I walked across the gym to practice alone again...
AMouthyWaywornAcct: TIL Carl is a uni-sex name.
Cougs67: I kinda assumed that her actual name is like Carly or Carla or some such, and they jokingly call her Carl.
| 3 | 30.333333 | |
1366728668 | 1366739107 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | penny-lane-: TIFU by dying my hair.
In need of a change I decided to go from dark brown hair to a light blonde and bright orange colour combo. Bleaching went fine albeit damaging to my hair but it'll recover. Now comes the orange. Not realizing just how concentrated this colour was when I dripped onto my shoulder i thought nothing of it left it for a second because I had gloves on. When I finished and went to wipe it off it revealed [this](http://imgur.com/3ImE9Ro) A three inch, misshapen, ejaculating penis. I've tried all the home remedies but it's sticking. Oh ya and I potentially start a new job this week.
**TL;DR** I dripped hair dye into a bright orange jizzing dick stain on my shoulder
**Edit:** When cleaning everything up I also managed to practically throw the bottle against the WHITE bathroom door so I just had to add repainting into my list of things to do today
rrocks1241: Depending on how much you wash it and work at it, dye will come out of skin anywhere between 3 - 5 days. I have used hair coloring products such as manic panic and special effects as well as using many different box dyes. And since it's your shoulder, you can always cover it up... so that shouldn't be a problem. Make sure to take care of your newly bleached hair though. If you use hairdryers or straighteners, the heat will worsen the bleached hair and will dry out and break off in chunks...
penny-lane-: Ya I know, I've been making my way through the manic panic colours since I was 14. At this point I'm more irritated with myself for not being better prepared, having done this as much as I have I should've known better
rrocks1241: ahhh gotcha. And usually manic panic colors are a lot easier to deal with since they're all vegan and whatnot.... special effects on the other hand. HA! I had pink sideburns for like a week and a half once. lol
Well good luck with the (maybe) new job and the orange ejaculating penis on your shoulder... better than the devil, I suppose! ha
penny-lane-: Thank you!! I've never used this brand before I think it's called splat? maybe? any suggestions on how to help my hair recover a little bit faster? I usually just end up leaving it alone for a couple weeks and it bounces back but I`d love to be able to speed up the process.
rrocks1241: Splat is a cheaper... more commerical brand of hair dye. I worked at CVS for a year and would always tell the girls who were buying splat to go to a Newbury Comics, Hot Topic, or online to buy Manic Panic or Special Effects only cause the dye doesn't last nearly as long as those brands do, but also it doesn't have any of the additional nutrients in the dye to help the hair.
To help heal the process:
The bleach that you add to your hair actually strips protein from your hair strands which leaves it vulnerable to breaking. I use this: [Bumble & Bumble Deeep](http://www.bumbleandbumble.com/product/58/191/Products/Cleanse-and-Condition/Masques-and-Extra-Help/deeep/index.tmpl) on the damaged parts of my hair for no longer than 20 minutes. It's also important to find the right shampoo and conditioner for your hair type. I have a lot of really thick hair, so I go back and forth between a repairing shampoo & conditioner from Bed Head that I got on sale from TJ Maxx and the repair shampoo & conditioner by John Frieda (purple cap). I have about 4 or 5 other shampoo and conditioners that I have tried, and those work the best for me. Make sure to condition the ends of your hair to keep them as protected as possible and when using heat tools, always use a heat protection spray or creme.
Depending on the amount of oil your scalp produces, try to avoid washing your hair every day as this takes away important nutrients your hair needs... To help lessen the time I use to hair dry, I bought a turbie towel and keep it on my head for the time I take to do my makeup, and then work on my hair...
And by no means am I an expert, but I have been bleaching and coloring my hair from black to light blondes and other assorted colors, and from reading blogs and talking to salons, this has been what worked best for me. Good luck!
penny-lane-: most detailed answer i`ve gotten from anyone i appreciate it thanks a lot! regardless of the condition the colouring turned out badass so at least i have something to show for this disaster haha
rrocks1241: You're welcome! Having awesome hair is an awesome feeling! This was my dabble with orange hair: http://i.imgur.com/1cu8xuD.jpg Unfortunately, I overbleached my bangs and they fell off! I had like two inches of hair that I then had to pin back. It was awful >_< haha and then my tips were so overworked that I had to cut all the orange off after two weeks. I certainly learned my lesson!
| 8 | 4.5 | |
1366732528 | 1366748320 | null | t5_2to41 | 33 | Merrimux: TIFU by yawning while applying aftershave.
The perfumed bitterness now resides in my gums so I can enjoy the taste all day.
Lamaomgrofl: I've accidentally bitten off a chunk of a bar of soap once. Can definitely understand what you're tasting right now
Zecin: When I was young I intentionally bit off a chunk of a bar of soap. It smelled so nice, the taste wasn't the same. Needless to say I wasn't the brightest of children... and not the brightest of adults either considering I'm sitting here with a broken foot from drunken shenanigans.
[deleted]: Lots of toothpaste ( the minty one), and listerine anyone ?
Lamaomgrofl: When I was young I thought that after brushing your teeth you had to *swallow* the water-toothpaste-saliva mix in your mouth.
Needless to say, all of us were pretty dumb when we were little
(though me biting that soap bar was more like a few weeks ago than a decade or so ago :s)
Zecin: Being a dumb adult once in a while makes life more interesting anyways!
Lamaomgrofl: Unless you're talking about shaving your pubes. Being dumb then is never fun
Zecin: Yeah, some mistakes are best to avoid, haha
| 8 | 4.125 | |
1366742423 | 1366749197 | null | t5_2to41 | 88 | jgatch: TIFU by accidentaly yelling at a cop.
While crossing the street I heard a voice yell at me from a car. "Watch where you're walking!" I was already in a bad mood so without looking I yelled back "fuck you, you fucking fuck". Next thing I know I hear sirens go off and two cop cars right there.
cobaltcollapse: Were you arrested or fined?
Talran: "No dude really, please, I really fucked up, let me post this to reddit before you cuff me!"
| 3 | 29.333333 | |
1366746310 | 1366765734 | null | t5_2to41 | 2 | nukelauncher95: Last night my friend fucked up while fucking his girl
This is not my fuck-up, this is a true story from my friend last night.
Last night my friend was having sex with his girlfriend when his dick ripped through the wall of her vagina, tore her open her rectum, and she almost bleed to death. It was kinda funny how he explained it to the EMTs, doctors and her parents.
K1ngParadox: Hmmm reminds me of most hentais where the guy fucks her deep like mothering fucking deep.... Also is she doing alright now?
nukelauncher95: yes, she is going to be fine.
| 3 | 0.666667 | |
1366753043 | 1366793205 | null | t5_2to41 | 618 | brbdead: TIFU by taking a bath
For the past six months I've been plagued by a terrible case of Scabies. I have tried EVERYTHING to get rid of them.. Washing everything I own multiple times, the medicine the doctors give you, tea tree oil, neem oil, borax powder on my clothes.. etc, etc. You get it.
SO TODAY. THe next magic trick to get rid of the little buggers was to very carefully, and very stupidly, pour half a bottle of Cayenne Pepper into a hot bath. No big deal, right? WRONG.
Within 45 seconds of lowering my itching body into the red vat of pepperous lava that awaited my delicate skin, my body EXPLODED into the hottest and most painful thing I have ever experienced. Not to mention the fact that my vagina just turned into a Ghost pepper's worst nightmare.
I don't know what I was expecting.. but the words "most people who use it place large amounts of cayenne into a hot bath, remaining there until the water is cold." WERE A LITTLE MISLEADING.
I need to go pour 5 gallons of milk into my bath tub and hope that it can stop the burning before I eat some ghost peppers to cool down.
TL;DR: Tried every remedy for Scabies, Thought a Cayenne Pepper bath would kill them off, basically lit my entire body on fire trying to "soak" in the bath.
branof: Wow, you're pretty dumb. I hope the pain eases off quickly, though.
brbdead: thank you <3
yellowtag: where did it say to take a bath w/ cayenne peppers?
brbdead: http://healthwyze.org/index.php/component/content/article/421-natural-and-holistic-treatments-to-remedy-scabies.html
Scroll down a little ways and it's under "Eliminating the mites on you"
tyronomo: Woah, you saw no red flags in the following?!
>Cayenne was described in the herbal book, The Badanius Manuscript, **printed in 1552**, for treating scabies. Cayenne will quite literally burn the scabies, without causing any health problems for the host. Most people who use it place large amounts of cayenne into a warm bath and remain in there for an extended time (until the water becomes cold). You can purchase cheap packets of cayenne from the "Mexican" section of many grocery stores. Remember to protect your eyes while handling or bathing in cayenne.
The site gets better, if recommends using Cayenne Pepper to **STOP A HEART ATTACK** &#3232;\_&#3232;
http://healthwyze.org/index.php/component/content/article/250-useful-herbs-cayenne-pepper.html
brbdead: honestly at this point.. I'm so desperate I"ll try anything. :/
tyronomo: Seriously, see a doctor. You need a prescription for the good stuff.
I think I had scabies ages ago. I saw a GP and he prescribed a Hydrocortisone (?) based cream.
modeler: > Seriously, see a doctor. You need a prescription for the good stuff.
Absolutely. Do this.
> I saw a GP and he prescribed a Hydrocortisone (?) based cream.
No way. Hydrocortisone would reduce the immune response to the mites, which would symptomatically reduce the itching, but at the expense of allowing the little buggers to continue to breed, grow and burrow more easily. You need something like permethrin. But, seriously, see the doctor.
tyronomo: > No way. Hydrocortisone ...
I should have said that this was 15+ years ago. So my memory is pretty hazy. The cream started with 'C', maybe 'Ce', bad guess on the rest.
Sounds like permethrin the thing to get nowdays :)
ZuFFuLuZ: Yes, permethrin is relatively new. You are probably thinking of crotamiton.
| 11 | 56.181818 | |
1366755361 | 1366775284 | null | t5_2to41 | 93 | FrisbeeThorns: TIFU in front of an attractive stranger.
I was at a fast-food place with my friend and there was a guy working the counter. We decided to buy something and try and start a conversation with him, so I got a slushie. (it's one of those places where they give you a cup and you take it to a machine and push the flavor you want and the drink comes out) As I start to fill up my cup I was watching the guy at the counter and not my cup, which I was currently filling up with BRIGHT RED slushie. I was jolted back to reality when I felt the cold slushie on my hand and looked down to see I had not only over-filled the cup, but flooded some of the counter and dumped it on myself. In my panic to quickly clean up the mess I stuck the straw and cap on the drink but it was already so full that I caused more slushie to spill out everywhere and as I tried to mop up to mess with napkins I spilled the ENTIRE cup everywhere. The guy from the counter had to come out with a mop and after apologizing I fled from the store with my face redder than the slushie and my dignity somewhere in the mop bucket. TLDR: Embarrassment, mops, and soggy dignity.
InfamousDoctor: On the brightside, he won't be forgetting you.
guy_at_the_counter: Yup, I won't forget her!
Pichus_Wrath: Thought this was a one joke account for a moment. Well done.
guy_at_the_counter: The wait was worth it :)
| 5 | 18.6 | |
1366765760 | 1366955828 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by getting kicked out of school
My age in 19. I studied this year at a state university in New York. I am a person who enjoys drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana. Not much more than that, but I do indulge in these substances sometimes. Anyways, I went through the entire first semester without getting in any sort of trouble. This semester, within a two day period in march I broke the student code of conduct both nights one way or another, and I ended up having to go to court for some of what down. Nothing violent or horrible, just me being careless and a little too drunk I guess. Part of my punishment was going to a drug evaluation. I did that last week, and passed. This was the week before 4/20, and I was going home that weekend. Last week, I took a nap and woke up at 10PM. About an hour later I decided to go drive to get some greasy food to make it easier to go to sleep. I had some weed in my car on this night, just in case my room got searched (I've had horrible luck lately) I was driving my dad's car, one that I am not used to, and the headlights aren't automatic. I was driving with my running lights on. I see a cop come out of nowhere and start tailing me. As I freak out, his lights go on. You can guess the rest. This weed was pretty smelly. I came home this weekend and tried to have fun, hoping it would work out somehow. Of course, given my luck lately, it got worse. Today I got suspended from the school, for breaking the code of conduct a final time even though I never actually got caught on campus. So now I'm home, with a really awkward vibe with the parents. We are very close but this seems like the ultimate disappointment. The sad part is it shouldn't be. I'm where I am right now as a result of being drunk and high on or around campus. I never caused anyone harm. I made personal choices that would only affect me. I regret being careless but it really makes a guy like me think how trouble free my life would be if I lived in a place that was a little more tolerable of that kind of stuff. Anyways, I don't know who else to talk to, so I'm talking to you, reddit. Can anyone else share similar stories?
**TLDR** I, a regular alcohol/marijuana user, went through 1.5 semesters without getting in trouble once, then within 40 days I got in enough trouble to get kicked out of school. Now I'm home with my parents and I feel like a scumball son. 19.
ClusterWhoops: So you got kicked out for good?
monstaro: "Suspended" but I am already enrolled to go to uni in florida next year, lets hope that works out for me.
Halfawake: I have a few thoughts, take 'em or leave 'em:
1) Along with hoping it works out for you, take an active role in planning your education. You won the birth lottery by having parents that can afford to support you as you go through college, and it'll make them feel a little easier to see you're engaged and not just coasting and hoping things turn out well for you. Find out about enrolling in a junior college. Maybe enroll in some summer classes along with getting a job- you've added an enormous amount to your loans or the amount your parents have to pay, and getting some JC credits will help ease that problem.
2) Talk to your parents. Ask them what they think. But before that think about what you imagine they wanted for you, and what they must feel now. You're probably one of the most special things in their whole world, like their best achievement in some ways, you know?
3) Part of growing up is taking responsibility for things, and realizing we're all stuck in a web of responsibility. When you said "I made personal choices that would only affect me" my spidey sense went off a bit. Then you said "things would be so much easier if we lived somewhere more tolerable of this stuff." In a way what you said was true. But in another way, can you imagine how what happens to you affects people who love you, look up to you, or support you? Also, the second part about living somewhere more tolerable is definitely true. In a way though, do you think we have a responsibility to play by the rules even if you want to work to change them?
Anyway, I'm just a guy on the internet who went through some similar stuff.
peanutbutter1545: I agree with you in points 1 and 2 but iv got a bone to pick with you about 3. (im jsut in the debating mood, not personal, ect)
Although i agree with you that you should consider how your actions and the outcome of these actions will effect other people in your life, weather they be family, people who you live around, or anyone who looks up to you, but ultimatly at the end of the day i think its just out right criminal to deny your self something just because you think it will hurt someone. I don't mean physically of course, just hurt someone emotionally like they think you "failed" them or "let them down". Of course i do not think you should make choices that will physically hurt or negatively effect people.
I do think it should be everyone's own free will to do what ever they want with there body, (do drugs, go where they like, love who they like), and you should hold yourself to this standard, because lets be honest, if your not doing what you actually want to do, then your really just wasting your time. And im not talking about making sacrifices to achieve something you are striving to achieve because obviously your going throw these hardships and unpleasant times because you ultimately want what ever your trying to achieve or acomplish.
TL;DR humans need to do what they want as long even if others don't think its "the right thing to do" as long as your not physically causing harm to anyone.
Also fuck the unjust laws, my boy Tj(Thomas Jefferson) - "If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so."
Halfawake: In the end we all make our own choices and go through life with our own style. From my perspective, the style of life your describing sounds dishonorable, unless you made sure everyone knew what you were planning to do before you took their money and borrowed their car under pretenses of going to college and earning an education.
Also, be careful brining civil disobedience into the debate. You know that is when you break the law in public as a protest, make sure everyone knows you're doing it, and then accept the consequences of the punishment as a protest? It doesn't have much to do with trying to sneak under the radar so you can get away with driving under the influence.
peanutbutter1545: its only dishonorable if you act in a way which is unmorality. I find my moral code wouldn't allow me to make off with someones car or take their money because i would be hurting them in a physical way ie, taking their car, or taking their things.
And you don't necessarily have to suffer the consequence from your so called illegal protest, ie Boston tea party, revolutionary war type scenario.
in the end if you are in the right eventually you will be able to over come the wrong or immoral laws
| 7 | 2.428571 | |
1366775516 | 1366867581 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | Trannythrowaway1: TIFU at the bar
This was actually over the weekend, but I think it was such a bad fuck up that I made a throwaway to write this, so here goes:
I was at the bar with my friend and his gf. They were both dancing and I was just hanging out by myself basically. Then this girl approaches me and we start dancing. One thing leads to another and we start making out. Then she put her hand down my pants for an under the pants hj. Needless to say I was surprised at how fast things were moving.
Then a few moments passed and were on a couch nearby, making out again. This time she proceeds to unzip my pants and started performing fellatio on me. Now I had to stop her, since we were in a public place and I could seriously get in trouble for this. I tried to convince her to spend the night at a hotel or something like that. For some reason, she wouldn't agree to it. We were (obviously) a little drunk. So instead I just gave her my number and she agreed we would talk later.
The next day goes by and nothing happens. I figure she either didn't remember what happened or was so embarrassed about it that she wouldn't say anything to me again. Then on Monday at work I got a text from her. So we started texting each other a little bit. When I got home, I decided to google her number to see if I could find her on Facebook or some sort of blog. Then I found her personal business page. It turns out she was an escort. In her 'about me' section it said: measurements are 36c-29-36 **with a fully functional 7 in. surprise.**So ever since this discovery, I haven't decided whether or not to laugh uncontrollably or hang myself. But I thought I would share it with you guys.
Just an FYI I want to let it be known this post is NOT a slam against transgender/sexuals/etc. If you are engaged in any of that stuff that is your business and I am not making any sort of judgement in this post. I am a straight male so it was just a bit of a shock for me.
tl;dr: got a bj from a girl at a bar, it turns out it was a shemale
viviphilia: Trans woman here. Many of us are awesome cocksuckers. You should be aware however, that transgender is a medical condition, not a choice and not a fetish. We don't really like being referred to as 'tranny' or 'shemale' either. "Trans woman" is more polite since we are simply women with a hormone imbalance.
thejellythatwobbled: How does having a hormone imbalance mean you grow a dick?
viviphilia: High levels of testosterone in the early fetal development of any mammal will cause a penis to develop. In humans, virilizing congenital adrenal hyperplasia is well documented to sometimes cause girls to be born with a penis due to the high testosterone levels caused by CAH.
>[Prenatal virilization (or masculinization) of a genetically female fetus can occur when an excessive amount of androgen is produced by the fetal adrenal glands or is present in maternal blood. In the severest form of congenital adrenal hyperplasia, complete masculinization of a genetically female fetus results in an apparently normal baby boy with no palpable testes. ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virilization)
Further discussion:
* [Should male gender assignment be considered in the markedly virilized patient With 46,XX and congenital adrenal hyperplasia?](http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20728155)
It's simply a matter of scientific fact that sometimes a girl is born with a penis.
thejellythatwobbled: Okay, I was misinformed. Sorry if I offended you, I was just wondering as I had a hormone imbalance when I hit puberty, and wondered how serious it could be.
viviphilia: Earlier I had upvoted you because I think you had a legitimate question. This is a weird thing to talk about so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that they genuinely want to learn more and understand. I wasn't offended. Activists like myself see cruelty every day. You were just asking a question.
Marked virilization from CAH is uncommon, but it does occur. More often than full virilization, CAH results in ambiguous genitalia - half way between penis and vulva. But that's all before a person is born.
There is another rare condition called [5-alpha reductase deficiency](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5-alpha-reductase_deficiency) where a boy is born with a vulva, but the virilization (the growth of the penis) occurs during puberty. Biology does weird stuff sometimes.
petersmythe37: Is the 5- alpha reductase deficiency in any way related to the guevedoces phenomenon documented in the 1970s? I had a psych professor who focused on sexual/gender studies who brought the study up several times over the course of the semester.
viviphilia: Yep, that's it. I don't know much about the cultures where there is a niche for such people. But in the United States, 5-ARD has historically been treated like a disease. There are individuals out there who, when the penis started to grow during puberty, the parents had it removed mistakenly thinking that their child was a girl. It's really important that people allow others to determine their own gender and not try to force these things.
petersmythe37: Wow! I can't imagine how devastating that must have been for the little boys later on! You would think that, given that the child was growing a penis, the parents would have at least looked into it more before just cutting it off...
viviphilia: Can you believe that in the past it was common for a doctor to do a genital reconstruction on a newborn without even telling the parents what procedure was done? Medicine has changed a lot in the last 50 years, but there are still a lot of people who don't get this stuff yet.
| 10 | 4.5 | |
1366747171 | 1366805785 | null | t5_2to41 | 62 | 1moar: TIFU by telling my friend he wanted to be the filler in a hobo sandwich.
I work in a call center for a large telecom.
IM'ing with my buddy, I got in to a mock ethical debate with him about finding some money. Because I'm just burning some time at the end of the day, at one point I told him to admit it, that he wanted to be the filler in a hobo sandwich. He replies, pasting my message with a hearty "NO".
A few minutes later he comes down to my cube red in the face, pulling me over to his cube. He can't talk, his face is beet red and he's holding his mouth closed; and points...
In one of the billing systems, he was noting an account. As he's scrolling through the notes, I see **"(1moar) 2:33pm - Admit it you want to be the filler in a hobo sandwich," IN THE NOTES SECTION OF SOMEONES ACCOUNT.**
We lol'd, and now he's trying to figure out if he can at least edit or delete the note. Not likely.
Update - No editing or deleting possible. Time to bury it!
addeman94: Maybe tell the person responsible for the system, and ask them what to do?
1moar: Absolutely not an option for a few reasons. There is no one person responsible, we would have no idea who to contact and in order to do so it would be much like this tl;dr.
Add to that, the culture in this company. By exposing it to everyone in the chain on the way to the person responsible, would raise a lot of eyebrows.
All that being said, even then there wouldn't be anything that could be done except look like jack asses, best case scenario.
| 3 | 20.666667 | |
1366797733 | 1366827629 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | AJGatherer: TIFU my egg ramen
I was making ramen, to which I like to add an egg, and I thought I'd do something different: rather than my usual "egg drop" method (where you drizzle a beaten egg into the ramen while stirring), I just dropped the whole egg in. The yolk broke, leaving me with this [abortion](http://seenly.com/GgKRflap.jpg).
surfinbirdjessie: I tried to make egg ramen while I was pregnant. I fucked it up but still decided to eat it, and ended up projectile vomiting everywhere.
mustangwolf1997: Every time I hear the term "Projectile vomiting" I imagine some cartoon character running around with puke FLYING out of it's mouth.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1366812214 | 1366897375 | null | t5_2to41 | 798 | The_VIRUS_Empire: TIFU by sleeping with my crush
Sounds like a good thing right? I've been talking to this girl for a few months, we talk everyday for hours and I had been to visit her a couple of times before.*IMPORTANT*:she already knows I have a crush on her! Anyway... More recently I've been feeling like there really is a connection there so I was super excited to go and see her again. After a really nice day of hanging out and having fun we basically end up falling asleep together on her bed cuddling. A little while passes until she suddenly sits bolt upright and says " I think it's time to go to bed. " My heart starts pounding, thinking shit - should I have not cuddled her? I thought this had been going well! I ask her if I should leave and sleep in the spare room like I had done the time before. She says " you can stay in here if you want " my heart is in my mouth at this point. I get into bed and basically fall asleep with her in my arms, this is just fucking perfect!
Now the day after we hang out some more and I travel back home feeling like a fucking boss but whilst we chat that evening it transpires that she felt really awkward about the whole thing and didn't like me cuddling her, didn't like how I looked at her sometimes and claims to not know how I feel. She hardly talks to me now and I feel like the biggest idiot there ever was :C
tl;dr - Girl invites me into her bed, tells me the day after that she didn't want me there.
jedispyder: I've had similar experiences with a girl. My ex-roommate (who literally said she considers me to not have a penis) once said I was making her feel uncomfortable when I simply said "that dress is pretty." She considered it perfectly fine to slap me on the ass and tease me, yet I can't even compliment her. Girls can be fucking confusing as hell.
thebosslady04: I have found that I do things like this so on behalf of myself, I apologize. We are a complicated sex for whatever reason & even I hate it thus the one & only female friend. Now, IT'S NOT ALL FEMALES. But, it has been my experience that most are confusing as fuck. I don't mean to offend any chicks. I just know what this guy means.
EDIT: I've spent 26 years hating myself for various reasons including the way I react or how I would expect my husband to read my mind & then get raging fucking mad when he didn't. Now that I'm changing my behavior, I don't hate myself so much.
EDIT2: My comment was made by the last sentence in jedispyer's comment. I see the downvotes, which to me says 1. You don't agree (which isn't how downoting is supposed to work) or 2. You play the stupid mind games & are pissed that someone (& a fellow female for that matter *gasp*) is putting the bullshit you pull out there for all to see. Why is my comment so wrong when I clearly state it's NOT every female on the planet & that I have realized that it was something I did & am now working on? Seriously? Alrighty then mighty internet people.
EDIT 3 : After looking over my comment, I want to apologize for putting that all people who share my sex are "complicated". I was basing my opinion on my experiences & made a general statement that puts all vagina having people in a box. That was not my intention. But, I will say that it has been my experience that the females I have encountered including myself seem to be harder to read than males. I apologize for my generalization. I'm not deleting any of this & being a puss. Instead, I will take my downvotes & reflect on the feedback I do get. I see it as a chance to learn different perspectives & maybe even learn something.
MurielDaylight: I really don't need you apologizing for me, nor do many (most) other women in the world.
I'm downvoting your comment because you're making very broad, generalizing statements about an entire gender based on your own experiences. That adds nothing to the thread. You said, "We are a complicated sex" and that "most [women] are confusing as fuck." It's just not correct to subject an entire gender to your own hangups and then pass it off as truth.
The fact that you refuse to associate with all but one person of your own gender says more about your own hangups than it does about the rest of the people that share your gender.
On the other hand, if you had said that relationships and people are confusing and complicated, well, that makes more sense. Life would be a lot easier if women AND men didn't have various issues, baggage, whatever it is that makes personal relationships difficult. But you're singling out women when men are just as likely to make relationships difficult.
thebosslady04: My mistake. I wasn't apologizing for all of femaledom.I disagree that it adds nothing to the thread, but I respect you opinion. Yes, I am basing my opinion on my experiences (isn't that how opinions should be formed?) where 99% of the females I have interacted with have acted this way. They say they're fine when they aren't & do spiteful crap behind your back.
I do NOT refuse to associate with females so much as I haven't found any except one who doesn't pull that crap. I have tried time & time again to have relationships with women from co-workers to family & it ends up pretty much the same. My "hang ups" are with ALL people who are hypocrites or can't say what they mean & mean what they say. In my life, this seems to be an issue coming from females rather than males, but each are capable of doing it.
My apology was meant in the sense that I used to play mind games & I recognized it as a problem & was fixing it. I should have worded it differently to show that I was in no way apologizing for all females. I also never stated that all females are like that. *Ok, I see now that I did. My mistake & sorry.* Everyone can be complicated. I stated this in my other comment.
Thank you for explaining your reasons. I appreciate the feedback & I apologize to you that my thoughts on his comment caused this. I had no intention of making this an "All women are the same" thing & thought I had made it clear that it was something I had noticed in myself & the females who have been in my life. I was responding to his comment alone with my opinions.
EDIT: *Ok, I see now that I did.*
coonpecker: As a guy, don't get mad when I can't follow all that. I can't even read it all. I really, truly, honestly just want to know if you want to fuck me or not.
thebosslady04: 1. I'm happily married thanks. 2. I like a man who reads ;-)
coonpecker: YES OR NO
THAT'S STILL A MAYBE
thebosslady04: NO. Better?
coonpecker: Yes, thank you.
But... by telling me reason 2 you were implying reason 1 was not enough to stand by itself.
thebosslady04: Ah another misunderstanding. I seem to be unclear a lot this week. Reason number 2 was only supplied to convey that if not for number 1, you still wouldn't be getting a, "Yes."
coonpecker: It's definitely not _just you_ because I'm taking advantage of your good humor to illustrate my point that this confusion happens a lot (example: this entire thread). I've had this conversation with my wife more than once.
For all I know you _are_ my wife in real life. Which would change your answer at least twice. (but then you would know that I do happen to read a lot)
thebosslady04: Oh I see what you mean. Clear communication is better so there is NO room for misunderstandings. Nice!
| 13 | 61.384615 | |
1366823066 | 1366923545 | null | t5_2to41 | 45 | oneilldom: TIFU by licking my girlfriends hand.
Basically my girlfriend is a physiotherapy student and she's currently on placement at a hospital. She just got back and was just stood behind me while I was on the computer with her hand on my shoulder. I was in a funny mood and very naively decided to lick her hand to try and playfully annoy her a bit. I did this. I wish I didn't but I did. It was then that she informed me she had spent the last half hour at the hospital cleaning up a patients piss and she hadn't had a chance to wash her hands yet.
There is not enough soap in all the world to make this go away. Has a tongue ever been transplanted before? I want to be on that list.
ffrookie: There are sinks, sani wipes, and foams all over hospitals. I think she's just messing with you about her hands still being dirty. Or she was just lazy as hell and practiced poor hygiene at work.
BlackBird1994: Sinks I hope no tall people work there.
ffrookie: I don't get the joke
| 4 | 11.25 | |
1366829175 | 1367610909 | null | t5_2to41 | 559 | catchupwiththesun: TIFU by masturbating with a broken vibrator
So this literally just happened. Its mid-day, neither of my roommates are home (or so I thought).
Perfect time for some ME time...right? wrong.
Let me preface by saying I live in an old house, our doors are old and leave gaps between wood floor and door, so everything echos. EVERYTHING.
Anyway, I'm getting kinda horny, so I shut my door, pop on my headphones and get the going. I'm getting really into this video I'm watching. Neglecting to notice that the top of my vibrator (the part that screws on that holds that batteries in, and can adjust the intensity of vibration) is broken, and if it is moved slightly the whole top pops off.
At this point I'm literally on the tip of orgasm, I move my hand, the top pops off and the damn thing SHUTS OFF PEAK ORGASM. Now, ladies. I really hope you have never experienced this abrupt halt of stimulation, but if you have, you can attest to my actions.
I twitched trying to get the top back on and fell backwards quickly in my computer chair, far enough to pop out my headphone jack which fills the air with moans and groans of the skanky sexcapades occuring on my laptop.
In what seems like hours I managed to get up and turn the full blast sounds of pleasure off.
It's beautiful out, the windows are open, I live in a row home and can hear my neighbors as I type this...shit. It's okay, at least no one is home. I open up my door and my roommate is in the bathroom which is connected to my room, and would have been outside my door while this all happened. She had been napping in her room the whole time.
Ugh. It's fine though, she would laugh at me, I'm more sad about ruining the orgasm.
TL;DR - Ruined an orgasm and the neighbors/roommate most likely heard the sounds of freaky sex coming from my room.
edit: words
TheKrystalShip: yes yes and yes. I guess something got lost in translation and my husband pulled out while I was climaxing once. I was mad. I was REALLY fucking mad. I remember going to the bathroom and slamming the door, and just being angsty. It wasn't really his fault, he didn't know what was happening, but holy fuck was that horrible. It just puts you in the worst mood ever. It's like someone kicked your puppy.
jorwyn: This has happened with my bf and I a few times. It's like - we get out of sync or something, and everything will be fine, then suddenly, he'll lose his erection, and I'm right *at that point.* ... then, I'm out for a walk, 'cause it seems to be the only thing I can do to calm the hell down. It's not his fault at all. I'm not mad at him, really, but I'm pissed - at everything. At the whole damned world. I'm a bitch, and I can' t seem to stop it... and it even hurts physically, like.. my entire vulva aches, and I feel like I'm going to vomit... and at that point, trying to masturbate or do anything to just make the orgasm happen, it doesn't work. It just makes the pain worse. And, I know I'm acting like a serious pain in the ass.
Yeah... yeah, I know that feel. I hope to never, ever, experience it again. I'm totally cool with sex with no orgasm. Sex is amazing. But... there just can't be "almost orgasm." It's a horrible thing I'd never wish on my worst enemy.
phantomganonftw: Like blue balls for women
jorwyn: If that's what blue balls feel like, I seriously hope I've NEVER caused that in a guy.
themacman2: Thats what blueballs feels like! But you can't act angry cause then you seem like a dick!
jorwyn: Exactly! I mean, I even feel like a total bitch for being angry about it. And honestly, I'm not really angry at him. I'm just... angry. It sucks completely.
themacman2: No I understand. I was frustrated as well. The girl I was with let me go finish my self in the bathroom, but the pain and complete turn off has already set in so I declined.
jorwyn: I can't imagine putting someone in that situation, tbh. I'd do whatever was needed to help the guy finish if for some reason it couldn't be done via intercourse, or whatever it was we'd planned to begin with. My bf and I are working on figuring out where that point of no return is for me, because once the pain sets in, there's no way to fix it except walking it off. It's too painful to actually do anything sexual. :(
themacman2: I can't remember the exact circumstance but it was before we were having sex. I think it was blow job she just gave up on. We had only been dating a month er so, so we hadn't figured each other out. And to be fair, by the end of the relationship, I was the problem, not her.
jorwyn: Ahhh... There have definitely been blow jobs I've given up on in my life. There comes a point where my jaw hurts so much I just can't go on. I just chose to finish in other ways. And, you're right, those times tended to be with guys I hadn't quite figured out yet. I've found that probably 95% of my relationships that haven't made it have been either my fault, or as much my fault as the other person's. I'm working very hard on that not happening with this one. For once, I feel like I've got way too much to lose to allow it to happen.
| 11 | 50.818182 | |
1366835472 | 1366920845 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | Dadadala: TIFU by sticking my hand in the blender while it was on.
(This happened 2 months ago before i made my account) I was making a spinach smoothie and there was some unblended spinach on the side of the blender. So I used my finger to push it into the mix, while the blender was still on. I didn't realize how tall the blades were and the next thing I knew there was blood everywhere. It took my brain a moment to realize that the blood came from my finger. I freaked out and was scared shit my finger got cut off, but I think I got lucky. The blade just slit my finger deep. The worst part was I couldn't drink my smoothie because there was blood in it.
Here's a pic of my finger after I cleaned it. It doesn't look that bad but if I moved some skin you can see how deep it goes down.
http://i.imgur.com/UoUDmsy.jpg
Missle_tits: I once flicked the switch to the garbage disposal, while my GF's hand was in it. Lots of blood. Only a little nic though.
In my defense, I was looking the other way and did not see what she was doing.
Dadadala: Ahhh that makes me cringe. Does she get scared by the garbage disposal now? I cringe every time I use the blender.
Missle_tits: I ran her off..she stole $$$ from me
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1366817262 | 1366837528 | null | t5_2to41 | 8 | mustangwolf1997: TIFU with a guitar. I'll let the story tell the rest.
Soooooooooooo...
Yeah.
I like to play guitar.
Actually I LOVE to play guitar.
But my guitar decided to get revenge on me for constantly plucking at it's strings.
First off, I was in guitar class, and I was trying to log into my school laptop to write down some notes.
I stupidly placed my guitar on my expensive headphones.
This wasn't stupid because it could break them, it was stupid because once I finished writing down the A, A#, E, and E# bar chords, class was ending. I quickly packed up everything. At least... Everything I could SEE that I needed.
The last thing I packed was my guitar, and so once I grabbed it, I didn't look back to see my headphones.
I left them in my guitar class.
The second fuck up is more of an embarrassment, and how I choose my fate.
I was in cooking class, and got sent out to do an assignment.
I head down to the stairwell known as the "Sex hall" due to it never being used, therefore the best place to skip class, work in peace, or... Get intimate.
As I'm sitting down, I decide I'll practice playing a song my sister's boyfriend wrote. (I play it MUCH differently. Same chords with one added, and a different pattern.) As I place the guitar in my lap, I hear that one sound you NEVER want to hear when sitting down, accompanied by that feeling of released tension around the groin.
***RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIP***
Aww fuck... I just ripped my newly sewn jeans... In the crotch... While sitting in the sex hall with a friend of mine, who is also a guy.
This is NOT good.
I will NEVER trust my dad's sewing skills again.
For once, I'm glad I have OCD when it comes to my outfits.
I always wear a regular shirt, then over that an unbuttoned beige shirt, then my brown Roundtree and Yorke: Charlotte jacket.
I take off the jacket and button up shirt, then wrap it around my waist overtop of the regular shirt. In hindsight, it would have looked better done up UNDER the shirt, but whatever.
I put on the jacket, then unhook my chain from my belt loop, and attach it to my backpack strap, and put the wallet it's attached to in the inside pocket of the Charlotte.
I look pretty damn cool... Except for the fact that I appear to be wearing a FUCKING DRESS.
It was at this time that I realized I left my headphones in my guitar class. FUCK.
I now had to walk LITERALLY ALL THE WAY ACROSS the top floor of the school.
The door was locked.
Now I had to go DOWNSTAIRS and to the center of the school (which is the most crowded) to get to my locker.
Instead of merging with the crowd, assassin style, everyone makes way for me to walk through. Jaws hit the floor and slam back up to the owner's face as they laugh their asses off at the guy in a leather jacket, a chain, and a fucking dress.
I grab my shit and run.
I phoned the school to leave a message about the headphones, asking if they could be grabbed and stored until tomorrow, when I go to my next class.
I feel like a fucking retard, and now I'm sitting in my ripped jeans because my others are in the wash. And the way the rip is angled, whenever I fart, it's blasted DIRECTLY into my face.
They smell like rotten deviled eggs and pickles!
-------------------------------------------------------
TL;DR: I left my expensive headphones in class, ripped my jeans in the sex hall, and have to smell my own farts. This is ALL due to my guitar.
-------------------------------------------------------
Edit: Should probably mention that when my pants ripped, we all laughed, and my one friend walked out of the stairwell laughing his ass off (most likely to tell everyone what happened) and the other one stayed around while I put on the "dress" so we could make terrible jokes and laugh.
It all went pretty well... Until I had to leave the stairwell to get my shit.
JustAnotherLondoner: Did you atleast get your headphones back? :P
mustangwolf1997: Not yet, haven't gotten a call back and the school is closed 'til tomorrow.
| 3 | 2.666667 | |
1366837894 | 1366838692 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | Baseking5646: TIFU by sending a text to my dad
So today I accidentally sent a text to my dad. this text was meant for one of my friends. To make things worse the friend also dealt... long story short my dad got the text that was meant for my dealer.
Im not worried about my dad... its what happens if my step mom finds it.
Flyinyoureye: Can't be sure it's a fuck up yet. Maybe he'll give you a better price.
JodeasXD: Agreed. My dad gives me the hook up price. Only charges for the water it took to grow lol.
Baseking5646: Hahaha my dad knew what was going on.... wasnt too happy about it either cause it was really early in the morning lol.
| 4 | 9.5 | |
1366838219 | 1366851414 | null | t5_2to41 | 109 | eflaves: TIFU (and for the past month) on the sandwiches I make at work, by abbreviating "classic Italian" as "cl.it."
edit: i've been working at this Italian deli for a month. It's not like one day I decided to be trickerish and I've gotten a sick thrill from it since.
JodeasXD: Did you just wake up after a month and realize that all those customers looked at your cl.it.? How many phone numbers did you get, is the important question.
eflaves: actually i've gotten comments that my cl.it. is really tender and delicious!
TimesAreTough: do you ever refer to yourself as the cl.it. commander?
eflaves: always!
| 5 | 21.8 | |
1366838989 | 1366864971 | null | t5_2to41 | 198 | BalzackMcgee: By smoking out of my window
[deleted]: I don't believe this story. I'm calling shenanigans.
KH10304: I anticipated this sub wouldn't believe me so I [photographed](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ) my shameful state.
RigaudonAS: Lel nice trolllell!
KH10304: [http://www.imgur.com/Ibangedyorm0mz](http://rack.1.mshcdn.com/media/ZgkyMDEzLzA0LzE4LzQwL0F3a3dhcmRIaWdoLjY1MDQwLmdpZg/0a77286c/355/Awkward-High-Five.gif)
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KH10304: something something pesky kids!
| 7 | 28.285714 | |
1366835353 | 1366908847 | null | t5_2to41 | 176 | brianloveswords: [meta] Almost two months without a Fuck Up of the Week?
Can we convince the mods/admins to update the FUotW more frequently? There have been some classic fuckups in the past few weeks and it'd be great to see them on the sidebar.
xDarkFlames: I already messaged the admin. He told me he is busy with life at the moment and has no time to update it. But I guess maybe a popular post would help him change his mind and take a 5 minutes to do it.
DonkeyTalons: How about duties are transferred momentarily to someone who can...
Mos_definitely: Or adding a second mod.
USAF503: Theres like 5...
Mos_definitely: Well maybe they need to add more and get their shit together.
| 6 | 29.333333 | |
1366844250 | 1367280295 | null | t5_2to41 | 22 | srowawayacc: TIFU by breaking my arm while I was masturbating, with a surprise visit from a family member
I guess you could say this all started yesterday, I took my girlfriend to the cinemas, paid for a movie and in the middle of it she just whispered to me that we were over because I had eaten all the popcorn.
There was probably more to it than me just eating all the popcorn, but I wouldn't know.
So lets bring that to earlier today. I went out for a run, and I came back and just went straight to the small couch of my flat and started doing **it**.
So here I was, doing it with tears coming down my face, most of my clothes were off when a bird came flying in and started trying to make a nest of my hair. In a panic, my arm hit the wall and I could instantly feel that it was broken, or at least something was wrong.
At this point, I thought I had hit rock bottom but almost instantly, I heard the doorbell ring. I tried to shout or say something like go away, but it was my step-sister who had a key to the house, and in a panic with my arm still in my pants and one arm broken/shattered, I instantly stood up and tripped over my own pants that was down at my ankles, falling down and breaking my nose and hitting my ballsack at the same time. The bird had ripped out a lot of my hair, and snot, tears, blood and more bodily fluids were everywhere.
My step-sister drove me to the hospital and just left me there in the waiting room for the two minutes it took for me to get a room. To be fair, me and my step-sister had never been close, but then the doctor came in and the entire time that we were talking and he was trying to find out what happened, I was letting out the longest farts in existence, and he just kept on looking at me. I had never felt so distant from anyone, as I realized no one was really there for me, today I royally fucked up.
TL;DR-I was masturbating, a bird attacked my head, I broke my arm and then my step-sister walked in with my hands down my pants.
coonpecker: [I think you dropped this](http://i.imgur.com/KLhzTt9.gif) , you popcorn-hogging arm-breaking fist-fucking bastard.
Bronx13: I laughed too hard at this.
| 3 | 7.333333 | |
1366850331 | 1366955549 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | bootsiekitty: TIFU by trying on clothes.
Today I was wandering through the mall, when a cute dress caught my eye. Being a girl, I had to try it on, for kicks.
I get into the dressing room, locking the door so no one sees my unmentionables, and start to change.
Right as I get down to my underwear, I see a pair of little girl's shoes run up to my door, and hear a toddler chattering as she pulls on the door handle and knocks on the door.
*Haha, I've locked the door* I think, *Neenerneener, little girl.*
I speak up and say "Occupied!" a few times, and she finally stops knocking. Then, moments later, her head pops under the door. I panic, and stupidly yell "Occupied!" again, hoping she'll realize I am NOT who she wants to find. My impulsive reaction is also to tap her head with my toe, shooing her back out. Nope. Instead, she looks up at me in my business, smiles, and decides to come all the way inside.
At this point, I'm holding the dress in front of me, trying to cover my bits so, yelling "PLEASE GET OUT OF MY DRESSING ROOM LITTLE GIRL". I finally open my door and push her out, then throw my pants back on and stare at the gap underneath the door. She didn't come back, but you bet your ass I put off trying on that dress for the day.
lizzehness: Fucking hate people who let their kids run around in stores like that. It's goddamn rude. I had this happen to me while I was completely topless trying on bras, the kid just laid on the ground staring up at me while I tried to yell to get her out of my dressing room. Watch your goddamn kid or I'm going to kick it in the face. :(
saac22: I'm always afraid when there's a little kid in a public bathroom that they're gonna be one of those kids who stares at you through the door slits. I learned at a very young age that it was rude, and kinda creepy and weird.
lizzehness: i hate that shit and i'll try to kick the door into their face or violently shove my purse into the crack by their eye. your kid gets hurt? fuck you- it's your fault.
GottaGetJam: Something about the phrase "violently shove my purse" made me fucking lose it. Thank you, I needed to wake my family at 2 AM.
| 5 | 7.6 | |
1366855096 | 1367006663 | null | t5_2to41 | 46 | whodatjustmybabydad: TIFU by popping a zit
My earlobe started feeling funny this morning so I went to the bathroom to assess the situation. Turns out I had one of those incredibly painful, annoying, under the skin zits. So mystery solved. I should have stopped there, but no. I had to get that fucker out of there.
I poked at it all day about every hour to no avail. I got home and tried stabbing it with a needle. I wimped out as soon as the needle touched my skin. So now my earlobe is bright red/purple and throbbing. It's twice the size of my other earlobe. I'm starting to get those "I'm about to be sick sweats" and feeling feverish. I'm pretty sure I'm infected. My gravestone shall read "the earlobe did her in"
Proof (it's worse than my iPhone can capture): good ear on left for comparison imgur.com/5p3tdee
molbionerd: If you are really feeling feverish from it and it doesn't go away soon you should really see a doctor you could have pushed it into your blood stream messing with it. Most likely not it, but don't let it go too long.
whodatjustmybabydad: I think I'm going to go to the clinic after work. It's not really getting any better and now my inner ear is hurting. I am not a smart woman
Moonhowler22: Well? Updates? Did you go? Are you about to? Did you not? What did they say? When's the funeral?
whodatjustmybabydad: Well I ignored it and in a last ditch effort to forget about it, I stabbed it as hard as I could with a sewing needle. That was probably the worst decision I could have made. It didnt work and now my earlobe looks like its a prostheses. So now I am leaving work a bit early to hit up the minute clinic. Oh and I'm not feeling sick anymore so I hope that's a good sign.
| 5 | 9.2 | |
1366853033 | 1366919396 | null | t5_2to41 | 12 | [deleted]: TIFU by clipping a hangnail
This didn't actually happen today, but on Valentine's Day. I'm a bit of a nutcase when it comes to order and cleanliness and it drives me nuts when my fingernails are uneven from anything. So, after I came home from school that day, I noticed a hangnail on my left thumb. Of course, thinking only about evening out my nails, I grabbed my cuticle nippers, and carefully cut away the dead skin.
This is when I fuck up. For some smart reason, I decided to look away from my finger and keep on going; without realizing it, I just clipped off some flesh. Right above the spot where the nail starts to emerge from your finger. There was no pain at all, so I didn't notice it until I felt blood dripping down my finger. It didn't seem like a big deal to me, so I washed my finger, and slapped on a band-aid.
I was calm and all was good until my brother pointed out that my finger was still bleeding; the blood was overflowing from beneath the band-aid. Immediately, I panic. After some reassurance, my brother managed to calm me down and we settled for a ball of cotton attached to my thumb with medical tape. A few weeks later my thumb healed. But, what terrified me was how it didn't stop bleeding for 2 days, it was just a drip every few seconds, but it lasted for 2 days. That, and cleaning the wound hurt like a bitch.
TL;DR. Went to cut off a hangnail, ended up cutting off a bit of my finger. Wound didn't stop bleeding for 2 days and hurt like a bitch to clean.
syncrotic: I think I understand what you did, cutting off the little ridge of skin... I've done that before, and it's never taken more than a short while to clot.
See a doctor, maybe...
[deleted]: Moral of the story: be careful when clipping hangnails. When I cut it, I got a bit more than just the ridge of skin, I got some flesh with it. As for the clotting thing, I've always had problems like that, so it wasn't a big deal to me. While I had the bandages on, the pressure stopped the bleeding, but it didn't stop on it's own (without pressure) until 2 days after.
| 3 | 4 | |
1366859040 | 1366876233 | null | t5_2to41 | 152 | EnjoiThisGirraffe: TIFU Asking a girl if she has a sister...
Some background information: a friend of mine made this stupid joke about asking if someone has a sibling if that sibling is brought up in conversation, example:
>"ya my brother did something or other"
>"You have a brother!?"
Also, a few weeks ago, the older sister of, lets call her, "Rose," died in a gruesome car accident. The school was very distraught, etc, etc.
anyway, a couple of days ago, in class, there were groups of us working and talking together, when suddenly I hear "Rose" mention something about her sister. I, being the suave and funny guy I am, and out of habit at that point, ask loudly, "You have a sister?!"
the room quickly gets quiet, but not as quickly as i have just realized that i fucked up. she looks at me, tears practically welling up, and says that, "its ok."
then, of course, today i accidentally asked her again, making idle conversation in the hallway. she just walked quickly away.
i don't talk to women anymore
Grubert: Similar story,
A few years ago my father passed away from cancer, I didn't want to just mope around at home so I went to KFC where some friends worked. I told them the news, and got some free sympathy chicken.
An acquaintance who was running the cash register saw that I looked down, looked at me and said "Wow, who died?" I shit you not it was single most poorly-timed greeting I have ever heard.
I found it mildly amusing (still do), and to no fault of hers she had no idea why my friends were pissed.
ItRhymesWithPenny: I think a general rule for everyone is to never use the phrase "Who died?" when people look sad. Even if they aren't sad because of a recent death, you will just be reminding them of the last person they know who DID die, and making them more upset.
Edit: Explained why.
Grubert: If someone significant in your life passes away, even the most obscure things can/will remind you of them. As I said in my post, I wasn't upset at the poorly timed greeting.
It's a pretty bad phrase regardless.
| 4 | 38 | |
1366850337 | 1367266666 | null | t5_2to41 | 53 | shuritsen: TIFU by spraying my privates with hair spray.
Getting ready to go to work, noticed my section down under could use a nice freshening to get it nice and comfy so my junk doesnt stick to my legs. Now, here's the fuck up. Most people use the big [bottles full of powder](http://media.onsugar.com/files/images/300.jpg), but i use an aerosol deoderant spray because i like to think it works better. Now, next to the spray, my mother's almost identically-looking bottle of hair spray, extra strength, lays there. Without looking, i grab the hair spray and spray it liberally all over my stuff, including my asshole. I didnt think to notice until i felt my my pubic hair harden, and by that point, i knew i was in deep shit. I stripped my pants off and jumped in the shower to scrub it all off, my pubes slowly tearing off with every step.
I got to work 15 minutes late, and i had to give my boss a long speech about how the traffic was bad due to some massive family reunion that filled most of the streets.
My junk still stuck to my legs.
Gramofonika: I just might have a solution for you!
*SHOWER.*
* (*regularly*)
[deleted]: Never had to do a cowboy squat to get that ballskin off your leg?
Gramofonika: I don't really have balls to begin with. Hm. Might have misjudged the situation.
[deleted]: Well there's your problem.
| 5 | 10.6 | |
1366864880 | 1366872094 | null | t5_2to41 | 38 | [deleted]: TIFU by eating taco bell followed by some fiber one bars.
Just waiting for the poop parade to commence.
Asshole_Perspective: Fiber does not cause you to shit, fuckwad. It's chemically inert and only serves as a mechanically active substrate. Furthermore, today you did NOT fuck up, because NOTHING HAPPENED.
Ryuho: Relevant username
| 3 | 12.666667 | |
1366863309 | 1366932362 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,453 | Quibbloboy: TIFU by trying to be cool with a lesbian girl
So there's this chick in my Science class. Really nice, really funny, and she happens to be lesbian. This particular girl dropped her pencil and it rolled over to where I was sitting, so I bent down and picked it up and gave it to her good-naturedly.
She said in a joking voice, "Thanks, homie!"
I tried to respond in kind but not recycle her word. For some reason, instead of using a different 'gangsta' word, my brain just spit out 'homie' again with a random vowel sound attached to the end. So naturally I blurted out, "No prob, homo..ohhhh...girrrrlllll...^pal...^friend...^mrfff...."
I just kind of shrank to quieter and quieter volumes as I transitioned from one failed word to the next, and then just sat there quietly for a few minutes in open-mouthed awe at my incredulous idiocy.
HalfysReddit: My standard go-to for people thanking me is "no problem".
I suggest you practice it.
ajp0206: I'm not allowed to say that to guests at work. One time someone did and a guest replied with, "Of course it isn't a problem, it's your job".
mishagale: Whattadick.
GMan129: Yeah, my boss did the same thing to me. I fuckin retrained my mind to say "you're welcome" instead of my standard "no problem"
also, small world
sarcastic_fuck: My mom ranted to me one day in my youth in the local McDonald's drive through about how it so irritates her when people say "no problem" rather than "you're welcome." From then on I've made an honest effort to say "you're welcome" as much as possible.
phantomganonftw: Is there a reason that it bothers her? If I'm working I tend to say "my pleasure" or "No, thank *you*" to guests, but I often say no problem in my day-to-day life, and I occasionally forget at work.
sarcastic_fuck: She just generally finds it rude. She feels it's a deviation from the standard "you're welcome."
mishagale: Wouldn't want to deviate from the norm, now.
sarcastic_fuck: Naturally.
| 10 | 145.3 | |
1366869791 | 1366912429 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | Sepoohroth: TIFU by having a tainted dollar in my pocket when a military drug dog came through.
I'm in the Navy working out of an aircraft hangar and today we had the MAs (military police) come through our command with a drug dog. Standard stuff. Well the dog comes up to my desk and he's starting to sniff pretty good, he starts smelling my pocket when all hell breaks loose in this dog's world. He's barking, freaking out, practically shits himself. The MA freaks out also and grabs me and tells me to empty my pockets. So I pull out the 3 bucks I had.
He calls superiors and cuffs me. All this in front of coworkers and my Chief. So I'm waiting around for about 2 hours to finally have his first class show up and explain that most money has traces of cocaine and that it isn't an offense at all and to let me go.
To clarify, I don't do coke, but I was freaking out the whole time regardless. All that was going through my head was that I'm fucked because this is technically "evidence." I had no idea that dogs could even detect that the dollar could have been used for coke who knows how long ago.
**tl;dr:** TIL money can retain old drugs. Feel like I dodged a bullet for a crime I didn't commit.
Fyrestalker: Actually, 90% of US bills have cocaine traces, and at one point 99% of the UK's bills had cocaine traces.. money is filthy
Source: that Vsauce video asking how much currency is in circulation. Pretty neat at 16 mins long, I'd link it if I weren't on mobile.
UPDATE: [the link has arrived!](http://m.youtube.com/results?q=vsauce%20currency#/watch?v=w2tKg3E53DM)
WorkMode: Link it when you can, sounds interesting!
Fyrestalker: There. It was easier than expected on mobile to link it! Enjoy
| 4 | 17 | |
1366864131 | 1367280009 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | lostintime2004: TIFU by getting an eyelash out of my eye.
So I was getting lunch today at a local sandwich place and felt a sting in my eye suddenly. Now I wear contacts so I ran to the bathroom to investigate. It should be noted that I have long eye lashes, the kind that Maybelline would love to model as, only problem is I am a 6ft, hairy everywhere male. So anyway I go to look and yep, and eyelash in the far corner of my eye. I try getting it out by bushing against it, nothing, flush it, nothing, this shit is driving my eye crazy. You know what they say, brute force doesn't work, you arn't using enough. So like a fat man at an all you can eat buffet, I dig into my eye, not thinking about what I am about to do, and I get deep in there, the eyelash like its a live darts UNDER my contact, so I using the grace of a Samsonite Gorilla work it out from under it. relief...
The relief is short lived... I am sitting here with my eye in agony like the time I got hit in the eye with a lucky baseball bat swing.
TR;DR Went to pick my nose and missed got my eye instead.
exilelexxii: >It should be noted that I have long eye lashes, the kind that Maybelline would love to model as, only problem is I am a 6ft, hairy everywhere male
That would be some new and funny Maybelline commercial
lostintime2004: Maybe hes born with it. Maybe its Chewbacca!
Bronx13: Ha! And you "could" always shave. But meh. Be the bear you were born to be!
| 4 | 5.75 | |
1366887802 | 1366940484 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,007 | 2Fab4You: TIFU by masturbating until my house broke
Okay, it wasn't today, it was a while ago now. I was having fun in the shower (ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Dat shower head.). Because I was home alone I decided to take my time, so I was in there, water spraying at full blast, for quite a while.
I was, as you can probably understand, mildly distracted so I didn't quite notice that the water didn't go away as quickly as it should. After I finished though, I realised I was sitting in a pool of water a few centimeters high - and I don't have a bathtub. My entire bathroom was filled with water and it was running out the door, making a nice little pool on the carpet outside.
I handled the situation with towels and went back to doing whatever useless stuff I had been doing before my watery adventure.
Fast forward a few hours and my mom comes home. She comes to my room and ask me why there's water running from the roof downstairs.
We had to take out the floor in both the bathroom and the room outside and part of the wall downstairs to fix the damage.
Gramofonika: I think you should be proud. I even envy you a bit. You masturbated so hard *your house broke*. Kudos.
2Fab4You: Thank you. I am a little bit proud - why else would I post it here?
[deleted]: Cause you fucked up.
--TheDoctor--: I'd say she fucked down
hollyhood: I might guess OP is a she since they reference showerhead masturbation. I haven't heard of any dudes who use a showerhead in this way, but a good portion of my lady friends have talked about their showerhead in very fond terms, a few even prefer the showerhead over a vibrator.
--TheDoctor--: Apologies, my phone is an idiot
hollyhood: These things happen. Although it did give me an interesting thought train of trying to figure out how to use a showerhead for this purpose if I had a penis.
--TheDoctor--: That is interesting. but Careful about giving out you don't have a penis. People might hit on you. By the way how would you like to ride my tardis?
hollyhood: If said Tardis is fully functional, I'm so there. But be cautioned I will use it to go back to classical Greece and hang out with Sappho if you know what I mean. ;)
--TheDoctor--: Only if i can record the visit ;p
hollyhood: [Sigh.](http://i3.ytimg.com/vi/zY8phZLK8hA/mqdefault.jpg).
--TheDoctor--: In my defense, i got the reference. And i was joking.
hollyhood: In my defense, that's the "joke" ALL dudes go for. You were so original at first with the Tardis, what happen?
edit: punctuation
--TheDoctor--: I.. I don't know.. One second I was typing, and the next nothing original.. W..what have I become?
hollyhood: It's ok, your intitial flash of brilliance means there is hope. :)
Just know that most actual lesbians don't really appreciate you inviting yourself into the bedroom, joking or not, it puts you on the creeper radar.
[This blog](http://kateharding.net/2009/10/08/guest-blogger-starling-schrodinger%E2%80%99s-rapist-or-a-guy%E2%80%99s-guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/) does a really good job of explaining the ways in which advances you think are harmless might be putting off the women around you.
Lastly, thanks for not being a dick. :)
| 16 | 62.9375 | |
1366878627 | 1367540406 | null | t5_2to41 | 68 | MacProClub: TIFU by enjoying myself too much at a kid's playground
So I was just heading home from the local pie shop (pies are awesome) and noticed the playground nearby. So, naturally, I decided to go over there and look around to see if there was anything that could be even slightly enjoyable. I saw some bucket thing that spins around on an angle, so it goes up and because of the angle it speeds up when going back down. Little did I know that the heavier you are (this thing is designed for 7-8 year olds), the faster it spins. Had a go on it and when I finally figured out how to stop it I got off dizier that a heavily intoxicated person. Started walking in extremely tight circles unable to stop myself and tripped over a log and heavily bruised my leg. 5 hours later it still hurts like crazy. What's worse, 2 girls started laughing at me.
TL;DR: Had a go on some ride at a kids playground and became so dizzy that I tripped over a log and bruised my leg, and a few girls started laughing at me.
totallynotmyalterego: How was the pie? And what flavor?
MacProClub: Great! Steak and mushroom is my favourite, so I got that
totallynotmyalterego: Dude, I gotta try that someday. Sounds awesome.
MacProClub: Go on, take the shrooms...
totallynotmyalterego: Love me some shrooms.
Bronx13: Ive never had pie...
totallynotmyalterego: Dude. Go get you some pie. Srsly.
Bronx13: Ha. My friend said the same thing.
totallynotmyalterego: Your friend is a most clever one.
Bronx13: Yea. I havent had ALOT of things. I havent had a kabob, i havent had chicken parmashan. I havent had curry. I also havent seen alot of movies. Like cinderella, 101 dalmatians. Basically nearly every disney movie.
totallynotmyalterego: Go out and eat some stuff you haven't before. Now. There is nothing to loose, but a little money.
Bronx13: Yea... i know. Im just a bit picky. I try not to be but i cant help it.
| 13 | 5.230769 | |
1366894710 | 1367165616 | null | t5_2to41 | 325 | thirdeyepatch: TIFU by burying my face in my mom's crotch pillow.
So my dear mother has been in the hospital for a month now and my dad, sister and I take turns staying over with her. Tonight was my turn and since there are no beds available for guests at the moment, I fashioned one out of a bunch of chairs and a sleeping bag. At around 4 am I wake up with awful back pains from the damn chairs and decide to rearrange. Well, I took one of the many pillows that was piled on a chair, repositioned myself and rubbed my face into the deliciously comfortable hospital pillow. It was then that I got a huge whiff of urine and mom pubes and I realized it was one of the pillows that the nurses placed between her legs so her knees don't rub up against each other.
:(
tl;dr: I cuddled with a a pillow with traces of my sick mother's urine.
foreverwindblown: I lost my mother last year to cancer. There are no words to describe the horror of it. I can still barely get my act together from the cruelty and relentlessness of what it did to her (and us as a result).
I think your post is rubbing me raw because I'm not sure what to make of it. Either your mom isn't that sick and you aren't concerned with posting something disrespectful about her OR she is that sick (which makes sense given the pillows to prevent decubiti ) and you are seeking a little levity Or possibly her condition is chronic and you've gotten used to it in a way.
Just keep in mind something. If the worst happens, and I hope it doesn't for you really and truly, you might regret talking about her pubes and urine-stained pillow. Maybe she's a cool mom and would laugh about it, or maybe she'd be so embarrassed even though your post is anonymous. Only you would know.
The time in the hospital is strange and it's easy to lose touch with reality, but there are no do-overs.
Best wishes to you.
thirdeyepatch: I;m sorry about your mother, I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose my mom. Though in the past month, I've had some severe scares. For clarification, and for those who are curious, she originally came in about a month ago for a regular check-up where her doctor found she had very low hemoglobin and ordered that she immediately go into the ER. The issue would normally be resolved by a blood transfusion, but she's Jehovah's Witness and wouldn't accept it. So they gave her an alternative treatment that takes much longer.
Now, because she would need dialysis soon, her doctor told her she might as well get a catheter inserted so she can later get it done. They did the surgery and she got a severe VRE infection, along with some other superbug. They had to do yet another surgery a week later to get the catheter removed and to wash out the infection. During this time she was in ICU and shit was really scary.
Anyway, she's been healing wonderfully, is out of ICU and is feeling much better. This is when the crotch-pillow thing happened, and I decided to post about it because my mother and my family have taught me to handle tough situations with occasional humor. Perhaps this doesn't work for everyone, but it has always helped me out.
Thanks for reading :)
foreverwindblown: I can definitely respect that humor helps you and that your family also utilizes it. :) I also appreciate that you took the time to explain and wasn't immediately offended by my comment. I am really happy that your mom is healing and sorry for what you've all been through. I suppose her urine-stinky pillow is just pay-back for one of the thousands of nasal insults she's endured from raising a son. :) Best wishes again!
thirdeyepatch: *daughter! Lol, but I bet I was pretty stinky too. Thanks for the thoughts, makes me smile :D
foreverwindblown: As girls, we don't stink like ass so much as we're a total pain in the ass. :D
| 6 | 54.166667 | |
1366891733 | 1366899674 | null | t5_2to41 | 0 | pumper911: TIFU: Eating dinner last night
I was craving fried chicken. Instead of having a normal sized portion I decided to eat 2 pounds of fried chicken. Bad to begin with, but then I decided to layer on half a bottle of very spicy hot sauce. I'm struggling at work right now and been going to the bathroom all morning.
Gramofonika: You deserved it and you know it.
pumper911: Of course. I fucked up regardless though.
| 3 | 0 | |
1366897600 | 1366951448 | null | t5_2to41 | 795 | [deleted]: TIFU by wearing a tight dress and accidentally playing with my boobs in front of my (male and female) friends.
This actually happened last night but I just realised it.
Prefacing this with a bit of information. I've been having a rough couple of weeks studying/doing assignments so in my intermediary "day of grace" between assignments, a good mate of mine took me out for a drink with a few other people. I'm into it. The night was awesome, we're both a little drunk, then we get an invite from a friend of mine's flat. They said they're watching The Princess Bride (fucking fantastic film amirite) so my mate and I leave the bar, enthusiastically walk to their flat and sit down, have a few shots and I'm sitting in the worst seat possible - to the side of the television screen- so I'm hurting my neck to see the screen. I'm also in full view of everyone attempting to see the screen.
My dress was feeling a little bit uncomfortable so I fiddled with it. Because I was sufficiently drunk at this stage, I wasn't on "cleavage duty", which is essentially me making sure my top doesn't ride down too much. Essentially what transpired is I fiddled with the top of my dress and pulled it down as such that I kept playing with my breasts without realising it and cleavage alarms should probably have gone off. I was wearing a singlet underneath but it's fairly low cut so there was a lot of boob to go around (I'm somewhat well endowed up there). I also couldn't get comfortable so I kept frigging arching my back and adjusting my damn posture.
I remember my friend and one of the guys (her boyfriend, the only sober one) decided to go back to his place, and as he was leaving and saying good bye to everyone, he paused at me and said "Have fun with your.... your... you...." and kept gesturing at what I now realise was my chest "your phone". With her and him gone, it was just me and two other guy friends watching the movie (the rest of the flat went to bed).
I looked back confused and I remember thinking how silly it was that he couldn't remember the word phone. And proceeded to continue to play with my god damn dress. This explains the awkward goodbye when I left (one of the guys and I normally hug good bye, but this time when I went for the hug, he just awkwardly shook my hand and said thanks) and the glances I noticed the two guys exchanged. Having to face them will not be fun, do not want, neine, I are idiot.
*ultimate face palm*.
NFeKPo: I'm confused unless there was a nipple slip I'm not sure what the big deal is. All men can relate to needing to adjust your balls every now and again.
calafragilistic: Yes. I'm "adjusting" mine right now
PassivePandas: I'm just masturbating.
jutct: Ahh shifting the old gears.
PassivePandas: Yes, I drive and '02 standard.
barbedwire_blowjob: You shouldn't pay with eleven year old penises.
PassivePandas: Are you implying that I cut eleven year olds' penis' off and then attempt to use them as currency?
barbedwire_blowjob: ...let's go with that, yes.
PassivePandas: I don't know what to say.
| 10 | 79.5 | |
1366896864 | 1366915434 | null | t5_2to41 | 121 | OllieTrickett: TIFU by mistaking a stranger for my friend
So i was in the cantine at my college, and i see who i thought was my good Friend, Tom, at the water dispenser. So, naturally, i go up behind him, and since he has his back to me, i think to myself, "I'll creep him out."
So i go right in close to his ear, and in a raspy, gutteral, paedo voice say "Tommm, i like you..."
Obviously the guy turns round and it's a compete stranger. I was so stunned I didn't even say sorry and that i was mistaken. I just sort of smiled and gave the impression I hadn't made a mistake. I don't have a clue why this was my natural instinct. I fucked up.
[deleted]: Just imagine if his name is also Tom...
depricatedzero: no shit I have 2 friends now, both named Chris, who look exactly the same. Unrelated, never seen eachother before I introduced them. 2nd Chris, I ran in to at a game store. Walked up to him and I was like "Hey Chris, how you been, been a while" and he gave me this look he's like "yea where do I know you from?"
Took a couple minutes to sort out that he was the wrong Chris lol my mind was blown when I realized it
[deleted]: Two of my friends are twins and, although most people claim they look different enough to distinguish apart, I **always** confuse them for the other one. I've eventually stopped referring to them by name and call them 'guy' 'pal' or 'buddy' until I get enough context clues to figure out which is which. Luckily though, one's getting married, so I should be able to tell them apart now.
depricatedzero: I'm not your buddy, friend!
| 5 | 24.2 | |
1366907968 | 1366942207 | null | t5_2to41 | 23 | evilsforreals: TIFU by missing the oral portion of my Spanish Final
So this is how it happened. The week before, I was in our university musical Spring Awakening, which meant performances every night from Wednesday-Sunday. I didn't really get a chance to do my work, so this week I've been in overdrive catching up.
The oral was this morning, 9:00am. I had stayed up late last night working on my immensely annoying Paradise Lost essay for my Milton seminar. I stayed up most of the night, and passed out in the library.
I woke up at 10:00am. Queue the flop sweat fuck me fest.
I've written my professor apologizing and asking if I could make it up, but this is the first time in all my life that I've legitimately missed a final. And it's the one final that I really need a good grade on because I SUCK at learning languages.
There, the shame is out there for all to see. Have a great day, and don't be me this week!
wiiwierdo: OH GOD mine's in a few days don't make me nervous please :S
evilsforreals: If you show up to yours I guarantee you'll be 100% better than me :(
wiiwierdo: I'm still probably going to fail though, I suck at Spanish
evilsforreals: Child don't even. Since high school I've tried French, Swahili, Chinese, and now Spanish. I just suck at LANGUAGE. Hell, I barely mastered English!
wiiwierdo: Is an alphabet like the Chinese one really the best idea if you can barely get the hang of the Latin one?
SquirelKing: Actually, Chinese isn't very hard. I am in my second year of Chinese and plan to take it for the rest of my high school and collage career. It is actually easier than most languages, at least the characters. They reuse a lot of the radicals (a line/dot or a couple lines in the character). Also, I have heard that Spanish and French use different words for the same word but in a different condition. To learn a new character, at least for me, you just have to write it along with the definition a minimum of five times. Sometimes, not even that much. All of the characters mean just one thing, unlike other languages where you have to piece together letters to make a word.
TL;DR: Chinese just sounds hard but is actually easier to learn than many other languages.
wiiwierdo: When I tried learning Mandarin, I was told that pronouncing the same syllable different ways could have four different meanings. I don't know how that would translate into writing, though (it could be those dots / lines you're talking about).
Spanish and French have different verbs for the same word in different contexts, but if you just treat them as separate verbs it's fine.
SquirelKing: What you were learning is called "pingyin". That is very basic and first year learning for everyone. Pingyin is actually much harder than the characters because you have to remember each tone mark, where they go, and how to spell each word. Also, they have each character for each of the other ways you pronounce the pingyin. The radicals are everything that make up the character. The first year is all about pronunciation while the second year focuses on the characters and the ability to write and speak.
wiiwierdo: Ahh, ok.
So maybe if I'd kept at it I might actually know more about what I'm trying to talk about? Incredible.
| 10 | 2.3 | |
1366909789 | 1366948780 | null | t5_2to41 | 105 | tifuthrowaway1010: TIFU by picking up a transexual hooker
Posting this from a throwaway for obvious reasons, but last night I was feeling rather randy, and decided I would pick up a hooker to get some relief. So I hopped on craigslist and went straight for the casual encounters section. I was also feeling a bit adventerous, and decided to experiment, so I decided why the hell not and called up a tranny. She claimed to have a 10 inch cock and 38D tits. I agreed to some mutual oral and anal, and to pay 40 bucks. So I hopped in the shower, and did some touch up shaving.
Right about here is where the fuck ups begin, I went to the my bank's ATM, called said hooker, confirmed the amount, and I asked if I needed to buy some condoms, which she said I did. So I put my card in the machine, got my money, and reviewed my balance receipt. Started to drive off, and god damn it, I forgot my debit card in the machine. So I turned around to pick it up and the machine already ate my card, fuck. So since I only pulled out the 40 bucks I had to turn around and head back home to grab some change and a few ones, for some spare gas money if I need it. When I got home I knew I probably should have backed out, but didn't, I grabbed a few dollars, emptied out my wallet of everything except my driver's licescense, and my prepaid debit card I use for online purchases. I figured if I was going to get robbed I wasn't about to lose all that much.
So I get in my car, and head out to the nearest open gas station to pick up some condoms, and the guy was out of magnums, which not to brag, but regular condoms are to small for me. Whatever, I settled for some cheapass Durex condoms, shot the shit with the cashier, used my prepaid card, threw the box of condoms in the passenger seat, and proceeded on the way. Along the way said hooker calls me, and asks what is taking so long, I decided to play it cool and tell her I got stuck in traffic because of a wreck. So I continued to talk to her about random things, not that I gave a shit about what she was saying, I was just being polite and making conversation. So I pull up into her neighborhood, thought we were meeting at a hotel, but whatever, nothing to stress over.
So she gets into my car and tells me to touch her, so I did and her legs were greasy and over lotioned, and she had me rub her crotch. It was about this time fuck up number two happened, she pulled her cock out and it was above average, but not what she claimed it to be, although it was really thick, and her boobs were not 38D's an she was wearing the thickest bra padding I have ever felt in my life. She then asked if I had a motel room, and I said no, because her ad said she was hosting.
So we are now stuck making this happen in my car, no worries for me though, I am not afraid to get down in my car. So I am driving around with her directing me and her tree trunk of a cock in my hand. We try out one spot but she doesn't think its a good idea so we move on to different spot. So we continue driving until we get to a residential area, and she suggests we pull into an empty house's driveway, this sets off a few alarms in my head, so we continue on. Finally after 45 minutes of searching we find a spot.
Here is where fuck up number three happens, and inspired me to post it here. So we are in a dark spot, and we are jacking each other, and she pulls me over to start giving her oral, which I did, and I could taste her salty precum. So I am giving un-protected head to a transexual hooker, not my finest moment by far. She pushes my head down causing me to gag a few times. She never cums in my mouth because I sat up so she could jack me. So she is stroking my cock, and sucking on my ear which unbeknownst to her is one of my favorite things. I tell her I am about to cum and she has me finish myself off, and it gets all over my shirt.
Afterwards, I am feeling slightly ripped off because not even half of what we agreed to happened at all, so after rummaging through my pockets I am unable to locate the money I was supposed to give her. I eventually found it, and gave it to her. So here is where fuck up number four begins to unfold, she gets on the phone with someone, and it turns out to be her next client. That she has me drive her to his hotel and drop her off.
I stop at a gas station, and proceeded onto fuck up number five, feeling rather ashamed of myself, and feeling ripped off because I just paid 40 bucks for an HJ, I went to the restroom, pissed, washed my hands, spit out what felt like a gallon of saliva, because the brevity of what just happened hit me. I walked over to the cashier, and suddenly realized I was wearing a shirt covered in cum, but fuck it, at this point I no longer cared. Reached in my pocket grabbed my pocket full of quarters, and went to grab my single bills, and the bitch got me for two dollars. God. Fucking. Damn it. I paid for 8 bucks in gas, in quarters mind you, and proceeded the drive of shame back home.
The drive back home was rather uneventful, except for almost hitting a deer, an unusally high police presence for some reason, and what could be considered fuck up number six. I pull up into my driveway, turn the car off, and went to grab my box of condoms. The bitch stole my condoms.
**EDIT** Fixed spelling and grammar.
DonkeyTalons: Only problem i have with your post is referring to durex as shitty. I have had multiple trojans break but never a durex. I feel like trojans are super small too.
[deleted]: Too thick too, It feels like I'm fucking a trash bag whenever I use a trojan.
DonkeyTalons: Nothing like fucking a trash bag
Ronry: I only use them to masturbate so far and I rarely can get them, so idgaf.
DonkeyTalons: lol wow. such class hehehehheheeee
Ronry: What can I say? I'm 15.
DonkeyTalons: where the fuck do you get condoms then dumby?
Ronry: I can walk to the store or ask a friend.
DonkeyTalons: You're weird. Use a damn sock or something.
| 10 | 10.5 | |
1366913576 | 1366915145 | null | t5_2to41 | 15 | [deleted]: TIFU by shoplifting wings from a grocery store
I've actually done it about three or four times without a hitch. It's self-serve so I usually just take it along with the other items I paid for and walk out. Today however, I was having some issues paying so I called on one of the store reps for help so he helped me and noticed the bag of wings. I completed my routine and walked out only to be stopped outside by one of the store security guys. I know I'm incredibly stupid for this so go easy on me.
They took me into their backroom, took down my information and picture, made me pay for it and I walked out. From what I've been reading online, people usually get a court date or a fine but there was no mention of this, only a warning. Is there still a possibility for a courtcase? Also, this is my first offense ever. Does this go on any kind of record?
I know I'm incredibly stupid for this so go easy on me. I had more than enough money too. I could have easily bought the item 3 times over.
depricatedzero: What did you say? I would have gone with a "derp, forgot to scan them"
They let you pay and take them, so there's no theft or even attempted at that point - shouldn't be a fine or court date.
I had something similar happen, but truly unintentionally, years ago. I found a CD I really wanted to pick up, and excited ran out of the store to grab the cash for it from my ex. It doesn't even occur to me that the beeping alarm is my fault for running through with the security magnet still on. I didn't even realize I had it in my hand. As I'm walking back to the store to pay for it mall security nabs me. We go into the back, I explain that I got overexcited and forgot to put it down or leave it with someone, and that I was just on my way back to pay for it. They take a picture, have me sign a little document saying I was being warned, and then escorted me back to the store where I paid for the CD. Never had another issue with that or that mall.
TheNealestRigga: I told them it was an honest mistake. It seems like your case and mine are almost exact. The only difference is that I had to key in a code and weigh the item. So i totally skipped that part. Yeah, it was pretty much the same scenario in the back. Do you still go back there? It's the most convenient store for me to shop at and I'll hate to be stopped from going back there.
depricatedzero: Ya I still go back there, no one seems to have cared.
| 4 | 3.75 | |
1366916558 | 1375933116 | null | t5_2to41 | 25 | mypoorvag: TIFU masturbating, like everyone else here
28/f here. (This matters because I legitimately cannot believe I've lived this long with the capacity of this level of stupidity.)
This morning I decided to give myself an orgasm before work. All is going as usual, rubbing my clit until I get wet enough to start fingering myself. I go fast and hard until I finish. And then I look at my fingers... Blood. Everywhere. Only then did I realize that my long nails had scratched the shit out of my vaginal walls. Enough to draw blood. I knew I was a horndog but this is just embarrassing.
TIFU by masturbating furiously and clawing up my insides.
capt_motorboat: did this to a girl last year, scared the fuck out of me. she was like "you need something to disinfect your hand?". "erm, no it's ok, BUT YOUR VAGINA IS BLEEDING!".
TIL vaginas bleed pretty fast.
mypoorvag: Oh God, from now on only smooth objects and penises are allowed in my vagina.
Bronx13: Well. Dicks arnt excatly smooth either...
199Eight: Unless it's slippery with lube.
Bronx13: True
| 6 | 4.166667 | |
1366923047 | 1366926842 | null | t5_2to41 | 55 | ihateit6: TIFU by telling my religious father "F*ck you, hail Satan" in the middle of an argument.
Idk what came over me, but we were fighting and he was going on and on about whatever and I just threw my middle fingers in the air and expressed praise towards Lucifer. I am not a Satanist nor do I aspirs to be, but the reaction of him hearing me say that was not fun. My family already thinks I worship some fake red guy, and I certainly didnt help myself with this.
Edit- It was awkward to say the least.
zengosm: You could try to pass it off as a nervous tick. Just throw it into everyday conversations, and then be like, "Whoa, sorry about that. I don't know what came over me."
damnBcanilive: Best solution.
| 3 | 18.333333 | |
1366923771 | 1366937913 | null | t5_2to41 | 24 | ouchhhhhhhhhhhhh1: TIFU by "mating" with a tissue box and almost breaking my longfellow.
I laid it on the bed and just started doing it. I was looking at the TV and ya know and I got way too into it, slipped and went forward. My one eyed friend went one way, my body another and I was like "Oh shit". It felt like I broke it and for a second I thought I did but lckily all that happened was the box broke and not Dick Richards. So much for ingenuity.
Zavager: retard
AwesomeDude37: He is more than retarded. In what way is fucking a tissue box a good feeling?
AcidBubbleBath: Different strokes, different folks.
*Literally*
| 4 | 6 | |
1366923660 | 1367050573 | null | t5_2to41 | 592 | [deleted]: TIFU and almost blew up a bunch of little kids.
My mother was invited to a party last night by a friend she works with and requested that I come along. I resisted but it was to no avail, my mother is very persuasive. We arrived in the evening to a modest home with a crowd that mostly consisted of adults in their mid-40s and their young children. The host of this party was a middle aged man who was already very drunk when we arrived. He was singing the most terrible, indistinguishable songs at his piano in a hideous, raspy voice.
I wanted none of it so I snuck a handful of beers and retired to the garage where I smoked cigarettes and chatted with a girl my own age who was also hiding from the party. After a few hours, suddenly the door to the garage sprung open and there stood the party’s host, completely inebriated. He looked at me and mumbled something mostly incomprehensible to the effect that he needed help retrieving something from one of the shelves. I obliged and from a top shelf in the garage I grabbed a large box which, to my surprise, was overflowing with very large, very powerful fireworks.
After grabbing a butane torch, the man asked me to carry the box to his front yard where all the party guest had begun to assemble. The man and I, as his assistant, began setting off fireworks with a large crowd of adults and children watching. The display was quite impressive with a vast and expensive array of fireworks of all different kinds, colors, and effects. Explosions of blues and reds, golden trails that sizzled and sparked, shapes and designs that lighted the night sky to an awestruck crowd of partygoers.
It all went perfectly; we had set off so many fireworks it seemed like the box had a never-ending supply until we arrived at the last container. Some might know them as grenades, about 8 individual spheres with fuses that one places in a tube, the tube then stands upright in the lawn. You light the fuse, drop the sphere in the tube then POW! up it flies into the air where, at maximum height, it explodes into a brilliant array.
On the last ‘grenade’, of the last fireworks we had, the man approached the tube. He dropped the sphere in, lit the fuse and, in slow-motion, we all watched the tube slowly fall over till it was horizontal to the ground, facing directly at the crowd. The man and I both sprang toward the tube but we both knew we were too late as a stream of golden spanks flew between us right towards a smaller circle where everyone’s young child had assembled.
The party as a whole let out a collective gasp/scream and the yet unexploded sphere did concentric circles within the group of children, whirling round and round as if being drawn by some invisible force to the middle. It exploded with a deafening bang, blinding light and a shower of silver sparks lit the horrified faces of the parents assembled. A cloud of smoke overtook our view of the children, every adult rushed to see what carnage might await within the cloud.
The smoke slowly cleared, the group of kids had separated into a perfect, single file circle around one little boy in the middle. A small child of no more than 6 stood there in his thick winter coat, his mouth agape in a silent scream while feather softly floated to the ground about him. It was a miracle; the boy had the thickly padded hood of his winter coat pulled onto his head. The hood now was blown almost perfectly in half, the left side completely gone while the whole right side of his face was covered in a deep black soot. Many of the guests worked in the healthcare field and an angry troupe of mothers quickly scooped the boy up and took him inside while the other children were inspected.
The boy was deemed fine, in complete shock, “just a little dirty”. The host’s wife promptly ended the party and her screams and admonishments could be heard far down the driveway. As for myself, for a good 10 seconds of my young adult life I was certain that my future home for a long time would be prison and that I had just either killed or severely disfigured a young child but somehow I was spared, a lesson learned to never… ever…. party with your mom.
Captncuddles: It is called a mortar.
[deleted]: Shit.. ur right
MooseyGramayre: We call 'em artillery shells where I'm at. Sounds cooler.
ExxL: We call them poop shoots.
MrRiski: We call them all of those things... Whichever happens to fit the mood that day... Is that bad?
MooseyGramayre: Diversity brings us all together.
| 7 | 84.571429 | |
1366936129 | 1367007930 | null | t5_2to41 | 5 | [deleted]: Tifu by flipping of my coach
so we were putting away lacrosse goals and I felt something hit NY back and it was a bag of dog shit. i turned and flipped of whoever had thrown it before I realized it was the head coach of varsity. he was laughing but the said watch yourself. apparently he was throwing it to a teammate for him to throw away but my teammate had missed and it hit me. he is a pretty cool guy sometimes but idk he how mad he was. I really don't want him talk to my parents. should I apologize or just let it blow over since he will be focusing on a game for the next couple days. if apologize, text/email or in person. I don't think he already likes me and I know it was disrespectful and I regret it. help me please!
prussianiron: I would worry less about your lacrosse career and more about your atrocious spelling and grammar. God man, basic decency.
[deleted]: God man. Mobile phones
prussianiron: Not an excuse, it's not that hard.
[deleted]: Is with big hands and small phone
Shadekitty: You're the one that made the post. If you're going to do something, do it right.
SacUp: You're quite the entitled one.
| 7 | 0.714286 | |
1366941937 | 1367173281 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | [deleted]: TIFU by yelling at water
Yes, I fucked up today Reddit. The story starts off, a buddy (TY) and I are waiting for another friend (TH) to pick us up from school. TY and I decide to go to the park right across the school once TH gets there since it's a nice day. TH gets there and we make our way to the park to find a group of 10 or so black girls dancing around on tables. We ignore them, considering they are in their own world cavorting about. Well, we walk maybe 100 feet away to the pond in the middle of the park. My buddy TY says "Hey, you should yell at the water". I, being my dumbass self and not thinking this through, yell "HEY, WHY ARE YOU SO BROWN?!?"... Seconds later, I realize what I had done. The group of black girls start going ape shit over at their little get-together. So TY, TH, and I haul ass out of there. Luckily we made it away, or else there would be some awkward explanations ahead of us.
TL;DR - I screamed "WHY ARE YOU SO BROWN?!" at some water, and I was overheard by a group of feisty black girls.
MercuryUiducus: Imagining those girls bursting into a series of z-snaps and "Oh no he di'int" probably makes me a racist.
[deleted]: you should feel ashamed
Bronx13: Says the guy with the name "nigger slaying robot"
| 4 | 30.5 | |
1366945196 | 1366983729 | null | t5_2to41 | 54 | rawkalechips: TIFU by rinsing with listerine
In the spirit of good oral hygiene, I decided to use some of my fine Listerine anti-cavity rinse this evening, which was located on the top of the cabinet in my bathroom. It had no cap, but lots of our stuff has no cap... So I filled up the dispensing top and let it settle at the appropriate level.
Into the mouth to start some vigorous swishing!
Hmm... wtf is that granular stuff in my mouth?! Sugar? I proceeded to spit it out into the virgin white sink.
Black. Lots and Lots of black.
That isn't sugar my dear, it is m'fing ANTS!
I nearly vomited and am having a difficult time not vomiting as I type this now.
I went in search of some proper Listerine to cleanse my mouth. But it didn't solve the problem.. I still had this clenching sensation in my chest that something was amiss.
So I proceeded to make myself a Knob creek (bourbon) and ginger ale. Which thankfully has made this much better... but that clenching sensation is still there.
tl;dr - I used some mouthwash, whose dispenser was a perfect trap for ants. So I gargled with 25-50 dead ants and nearly vomited.
J4yt: I don't understand how people can drink something without looking at the cup or what being poured in.
[deleted]: See, I have drinking down to a science. I even have a very certain order of steps I follow.
1. Thoroughly inspect the cup, both inside and out.
1. Inspect the container, and expiration date.
1. Inspect for fowl smells.
1. Observe liquid inside of the container.
1. Pour into cup, observe stream for "chunks".
1. swish inside cup, look for debris.
rawkalechips: While not that thorough, I certainly **did** hold up the container to the light before I drank it.
I blame the fact that it was about 10pm and I was using the 5w nite light in the exhaust fan.
| 4 | 13.5 | |
1366958155 | 1367012194 | null | t5_2to41 | 4,000 | [deleted]: TIFU by sleeping with my crush.
Last night I was up until 4 am playing counter strike on my laptop, eating doritos and drinking orange crush until I eventually fell asleep mid game.
I wake up this morning to find a terrible smell of cancer-oranges and my shirt stuck to the bed, as well as sheets that were stained a lovely shade of piss yellow. Apparently the cap on my crush was not on tightly so it leaked all over my laptop mousepad, sheets, shirt, and soaked into my matress which will likely now become moldy. To add to that my doritos also spilled everywhere and now there are ants.
**TL:DR sleeping with your crush is a bad idea**
[deleted]: I see what you did there and I appreciate it.
yeaup: so meta
EDIT: Don't upvote me I'm not asking for that. I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason that I have all these downvotes, but someone is going to have to explain it to me. This might be my most downvoted comment (it's at least close), and I cannot figure out why it's such a black hole for hate. I mean it wasn't a very good joke. I didn't expect it to get more than an upvote or two, but I seem to have struck a nerve.
Can someone tell me what's up?
Again let me reiterate: *I'm not asking for upvotes or bitching about being downvoted. I'm sure there is something I'm missing.*
arienh4: In case you're genuinely curious: [reddiquette](http://www.reddit.com/wiki/reddiquette#wiki_in_regard_to_comments)
yeaup: What part of reddiquette did I break? I guess this is part of why I'm confused. I went back and checked after I saw the downvotes. It's why I'm trying to be so careful with how I word this (I really don't want it to sound like I'm complaining about downvotes—I'm not).
arienh4: > Please don't
> - **Make comments that lack content.** Phrases such as "this", "lol", and "I came here to say this" are not witty, original, or funny, and do not add anything to the discussion.
> - **Complain about the votes you do or do not receive,** especially by making a submission voicing your complaint. You may have just gotten unlucky. Try submitting later or seek out other communities to submit to. Millions of people use reddit; every story and comment gets at least a few up/downvotes. Some up/downvotes are by reddit to fuzz the votes in order to confuse spammers and cheaters. This also includes messaging moderators or admins complaining about the votes you did or did not receive, except when you suspect you've been targeted by vote cheating by being massively up/downvoted.
yeaup: I'm not going to argue that it lacks content, because that's not my place to judge. It does according to a good deal of people, which means that I was wrong when I posted it. But not once I have I complained about votes I didn't receive. I've been real specific about that.
arienh4: Yeah, you have. Just because you said you didn't doesn't mean you didn't.
That's like saying "I'm not racist, but I hate black people."
InvalidObjects: Not him, but that's a completely bullshit example. He definitely didn't understand what was going on, it's not willful harm.
Never attribute to malice that which may be attributed to stupidity.
arienh4: I did not assume malice at all. I was merely explaining.
| 10 | 400 | |
1366945917 | 1367174223 | null | t5_2to41 | 58 | canna-crux: TIFU by not putting my junk away.
So my wife and I haven't been having sex because we just had a kid and she doesn't want to go on birth control just yet as it is can lower the amount of boob juice a woman's divine coconuts can produce.
My wife leaves the house to run some errands so I decide to bust one out before she gets off. I watch about 2-3 mins of some different videos to get me in the mood, then do my thing. What I didn't remember to do is put the bushwhacker away. You would think I would feel a draft, but NOPE. This guy didn't notice until the aforementioned wife comes back home, then comes in to give me a hug...only to find my family jewels and deflated trouser snake poking out and looking at the floor.
Good news, wife has a great sense of humor and we both laughed it off. Bad news, she is never going to let me hear the end of it.
Bozofosho: Wow. Thats hilarious. I was about to post my fuck up, but then read this and realized its damn near the same thing....kind of.
Preface: My girlfriend is on her period and isn't too into blowjobs etc... So not much action is happening right now.
She goes out for a quick jog, and a few mins after she's gone, I get in the mood, grab the iPad, and have at it. I figure we're in a small apartment and ill be able to hear her open the door. So if worst comes to worst, I can just swipe my video closed, pull up the pants real quick, conspicuously hide my monster, and continue "studying". Well that happens midway through my session (which was about to end...grrr) and I successfully hide my tracks. Right before she walks back in her room,the stupid perfectionist in me sees that I left the iPad screen on which I threw on the bed (it was just at the home screen, so nothing bad on it) but to me, as an idevice enthusiast, this reads "someone was just on the iPad". So I grab it, she walks in, I...idk...nervously start clicking around on the iPad and end up pulling up the web browser with a picture of, well, a woman and toy and she sees it. WHYYYYY??? Why did I do that!?!?!? She is so naive to things like this....why didn't I just leave the iPad sitting there with the screen on. Everything would be okay...but now she is in shambles (unlike yours who laughed it off). Now she thinks shes not #1 to me and my "one and only" like I am to her. And that i cant even sacrifice a little bit of horniness to make her the only girl i "see". I feel so bad because that's not the case, I love her and she is my number 1, you know what I mean....but yeah...her finding out that I look at porn doesn't help my case. I'm just struggling explaining to her that she really is my top priority and the only one I want in this life. Which is true! I want to eventually marry her (we've been dating for 5 yrs) but now she doesn't trust me and shit and is pissed/disappointed/depressed. Guess its time for a reality check for me....
lunaap33: ....you might love her, but that is a completely ridiculous response to your boyfriend watching porn.
Source: I'm a girl.
Bronx13: Well, she IS on her period. I know i dont feel to beuriful on my period. And then hormones. Hormones fuck us up. I would assume this might be the source of her surprisement?
| 4 | 14.5 | |
1366957996 | 1367023314 | null | t5_2to41 | 103 | warbeats: TIFU I Accidentally rode in the L.A. Circuit (Bicycle) race.
This is embarrassing but upon reflection it is kind of funny.
First off, I went on my normal ride last Sunday. part of this ride takes me down a popular biking stretch that as I approached I could see the car lanes were blocked off but the bike lanes on that side were not blocked. There were no signs indicating why. this road is often used for movies and other purposes so I though maybe there was an event further in. I kept riding.
About a mile or so in, I've passed a person or two and get to what I would describe as the grandstand area (more like an intersection with a crowd and cameras and an announcer) where there were quite a few people mulling about and looking at me funny. No one said anything.Further up I can see tents and things so I keep riding. I feel as though somethings wrong but I haven't put it all together yet.
Just then a pack of about 10-12 riders blows past me followed by a scooter.
Scooter guy slows down a bit, looks at me and very non-chalant he says "Just to let you know there is another pack coming from behind"
So I thank him and look back.
OMFG I am in the middle of a damn race. I see a huge pack coming. I panic. I swerve into the middle (center island) of the road and the pack (maybe 150-200 people, I'm guessing) is far enough behind that I can clear out safely in time.
So I am in the center island and I just want to GTFO. Any sane man might have just stayed behind the pack and continued on, or moved to the sidewalk. I am not that man.
I make a decision that seemed logical for the .005 seconds my brain considered it. My embarrassment made me rush. So what did I do? I go to the other side of the road and head back as fast as I can towards the barrier.
[ Edit Clarification: The course was a long straight road that had a east bound and west bound side and u turns at either end. The island was in the middle. I started going east bound (with race traffic) when I switched sides I was now going west bound. Meanwhile the race that was going east bound was going to u turn and come west bound behind me on my side. I was not riding against traffic at any time.]
As some of you may have realized, all I did was effectively take a shortcut to get in front of the pack as it was coming back in the other direction. I start rushing. It just so happens this direction is the harder of the two as you have a slight grade and winds coming at you. I was pushing hard.
I was almost at the barricade, maybe 1/4 mile when the lead pack overtook me again and scooter guy just kept rolling without giving me a second look.
I see the turn up ahead (at the barricades) and everyone in the lead pack is starting to veer to the right side to prepare for the left U turn. I realize I need to get out of the fucking way for the main pack but I don't have time.
Before I realize whats up, I'm getting passed from the left and right side by all these bikes. I'm pushing about 18 mph as a novice. rider that I am. I'm guessing these guys are doing 25-30 mph easy.
Every other guys that passed me seemed to yell at me "asshole!" "get off the course!", "fuck you!", "this is a race!" things like that.
All I could think was do not stop, do not pull over, do not slow down, hold your fucking line. Meanwhile I'm like a stone in a river with water (bikes) flowing all around me. Then my fear gets worse as I realize I need to be far right to get off the course. If anyone is to my immediate right at the barricade I will have to turn with the pack!
Luckily I got far right and manage to squeeze out of the barricade area as they all made the turn behind me. I was still in the somewhere in the middle of the pack by the time I got out.
No one told me what was going on. There were no signs that said anything like "Road Closed For Bike races" or similar. Had I approached from the other direction it would have been a different story as there were vendor tents and registration at that end. I swear I felt like a fool but yet there was something humorous about it too.
Meebert: I remember when I was on spring break in high school I went on vacation to Washington DC, to stay in shape for track I ran 2 laps around the square between the washington monument and the white house. Running up to the white house the 2nd time I saw a group of runners go by, there was a 5k race going on. Every bit of me regrets not joining that race, I was a varsity runner and I was feeling a good run because of the lower altitude. I didn't join because I had no phone or way of returning if I got lost, and I had already been gone for quite a while.
warbeats: Getting lost would have been a TIFU waiting to happen!
ClearlySituational: It wouldn't be too bad, he had the Whitehouse as a landmark so it wouldn't have been too difficult for him to get his bearings back.
| 4 | 25.75 | |
1366954677 | 1366991111 | null | t5_2to41 | 17 | [deleted]: TIFU by falling asleep during a blow job
Actually I pulled this off last weekend on saturday night. Anyway some background. Friday night I go out drinking but have an lsat prep class on saturday mornings so I only have a few drinks and call it an early night. My SO of 6-7 months stays over, we have pretty good sex, oral then a respectable amount of vaginal intercourse, we both go to bed satisfied, I throw on Scott Pilgrim vs the world and we go to sleep. I wake up around 8:30 a.m. for an lsat prep course. Saturday night rolls around and I'm in rage mode. We get an unhealthy amount of alcohol and throw a party at my place. A bunch of friends over for drinking games, dancing and that fun college stuff. It gets late and me and my S.O go to sleep. I throw Sunny on netflix and we start messing around. She starts going down on me, I'm thoroughly enjoying the beej when I wake up to a very pissed off girl, much to my dismay as she was all smiles a few seconds ago to my recollection. I ask what I did and she informs me I fell asleep in the middle of receiving oral sex. She isn't too mad at me, basically was pissed saturday night and has been teasing me since sunday, but I feel like a doucher.
tldr; drank too much fell asleep during blow job
capt_motorboat: no problem, dude. bj's are fuckin relaxing.
GaryColeman69_69: True, It was probably just really good head
| 3 | 5.666667 | |
1366972886 | 1367255916 | null | t5_2to41 | 79 | [deleted]: TIFU By accidentally showing my co worker/boss my boobs
I hadn't seen a co worker of mine in almost 4 months (our department got separated between two buildings and the rest of our department just moved to our brand new building) and we got talking about pets. I told him my mom just got a new puppy who was blind but so sweet and adorable. He whips out his phone to show me his newborn baby and I whip out my phone to show him the dog. Well I totally forgot I was sexting my boyfriend and took a boob shot and didn't delete it afterwards. As I'm holding my phone I'm front of us I swipe left a few too many times and it goes from awww puppy to uhhh boobs? He just laughed and I turned bright red and said OMG I'm sorry I thought I deleted the picture. And turned about 15 shades of red before rolling my chair back to my desk.
I was mortified. Especially since he's a manager. Thankfully he was cool with it and keeps cracking jokes at me, made me feel a bit better.
Edit; wow by these comments it's clear that times have changed in regards to the sanctity of marriage.
Evolution100: >Edit; wow by these comments it's clear that times have changed in regards to the sanctity of marriage.
Hear, Hear
macmannumberone: Not a single person said for him to try and bone you. You don't fuck around on your wife. But checking out boobs? Hell my wife has more porn on her phone than I do. I think you're too uptight and need to relax your moral barrier a bit.
FrostySack: You bagged a winner there, sir. My hat is off to you.
| 4 | 19.75 | |
1366971402 | 1367014316 | null | t5_2to41 | 42 | ItWillBeFunTheySaid: TIFU by sitting in my shit covered pants for 30 minutes, and possibly ruining a car seat
A throwaway for obvious reasons.
Tonight, I went to iHop. I usually do this with some friends, late night breakfast. Sit down, chill, shoot the breeze and eat. I get my usual, bacon and eggs, with hash browns and pancakes. I decided to try something different, and get these pancakes that have like choco bits in them or something. I believe that's what set off the following unfortunate events.
We're done eating, and like we always do, we sit around and talk to each other and the waiter/waitress. I feel something a-rumbling downstairs. Not sure if I should deal with it or not, I pass it off as just gas. Mistake number one made. The sensation doesn't go away, and my friends and I head back to the car. In fact, the rumbling seems to be growing in intensity. Again, being the idiot I am, I decide to just bear with it until I get home. Mistake number two. No more than two minutes after driving away, I'm literally squeezing my ass cheeks together, trying to keep whatever beast is trying to rear its head out of my ass. I'm starting to sweat, concentrating on not letting anything spill out. I try to make up an excuse to my friends about why I'm sweating (since they are asking), and I roll down the window. I probably shouldn't have done that. I had to shift my position to be able to crank the handle of the window crank. Mistake number three.
Shit literally starts exploding out of my ass right then and there. I can fucking feel it, hot and gooey. This is definitely not good. Here I am sitting in the car with a bunch of my friends, with liquid shite running down my pants and legs, and straight into my shoes. I'm pretty sure it went through both my boxers and my pants, and seeped into the damn car seat. I roll down the window some more so any smell that may have come from what just happened could hopefully ventilate out the window. So I sit in the car for the next 30 minutes, while we go around and drop off my other friends. After two friends get dropped off, one of my friends speaks up and mentions the smell of shit. Fuck. I come up with an excuse that maybe we passed by something on the road. They buy it, but then roll up the window due to me trying to cover up my embarrassment. Fortunately, I was the next to be dropped off. I get out of the car, and I don't look back. I didn't even bother to chance a glance at whether the car seat had shit all over it. All I could concentrate on was getting inside my house, burning my clothes, and weeping in the shower. I'm pretty sure they are gonna figure out that the smell had something to do with me. I'm gonna get shit about it tomorrow.
**tl;dr: My ass turns into a volcano and spews liquid hot shit inside my friend's car.**
bigtimeguard6887: >Tonight, I went to iHop.
I didn't know Apple bought out the IHOP chain and adjusted the name accordingly?
Just kidding OP. Sorry about the literal ass explosion. I'm sure you'll head to the bathroom immediately next time those kind of cramps hit so I'm sure lessons were learned. I'm genuinely shocked your friends didn't figure out what happened though; good luck in that department!
[deleted]: Apple invented iHOP. Didn't you hear?
bigtimeguard6887: Nope. I suppose that goes directly into the TIL category. What else has Apple invented that we don't know about?
Could we....could we be Apple inventions ourselves?! Is our entire existence an Apple invention!?! OH SWEET JESUS!!
| 4 | 10.5 | |
1366982593 | 1367035178 | null | t5_2to41 | 108 | Xtaci: TIFU by impersonating an army officer.
My sister is in the Army and has been having health issues. Today she went in to have a surgical procedure done. The procedure took longer than anyone expected it to. Being the nurse of the family they all came to me and asked me to call and see what I could find out. I tried to explain to them that we wouldn't be able to get much information until the procedure was over and because of HIPPA laws that I wouldn't even get that much information then. They still wanted me to try.
This is where it gets a little tricky. I call into the hospital and give them my name and the nurse apologizes profusely and puts me on hold. My first reaction is "Wow they have really nice nurses." The next thing I hear is a nurse answering the phone, saying she is the charge nurse and that she will help any way that she can. I explain to her that my sister came in to have a procedure done and that we have not yet heard anything and that it was distressing to the family. By this time I had switched into profession nurse mode and was very professional. This time the charge nurse apologized that we had not heard anything at all and that it must have been an oversight and that she would find out anything she could. I was on hold for maybe 5 minutes when the charge nurse came back (again apologizing for the delay) and told me my sister was in recovery and that everything had gone good. Then she proceeded to tell me every detail about the surgery, which doctor she had and how good he was. At this point I hear her say, "Oh the doctor just walked onto the floor, hold one more second and you can speak to him." This time I spoke to the doctor and he went over it and explained in detail everything. I could not believe I was getting all this information! I thanked the doctor and said about how nice and accommodating everyone was and went to hang up.
This is when I found out I had fucked up. They answered with "No problem Colonel (insert my last name here), if you need anything else please call back!"
I was so confused I hung up. About 15min later I got a return call (not sure how they got my number, caller ID maybe) and I had an irrate nurse on the phone YELLING at me for impersonating an officer and that it was punishable by jail time. I tried to explain to her that at NO time did I say I was an officer and I wasn't even aware they thought I was until we hung up. The nurse, very agitated, goes. I have the paper right here it says Colonel (insert last name) is on the phone. That's when it hit me. I had to explain to this charge nurse that no I did not say Colonel I had said Cornelia, my first name. She was very flustered because I believe at this time she realized the hospital had violated some very strict HIPPA laws. This time I apologized and hung up.
I am still waiting for the MPs to call me.
**TL:DR** Apparently my first name (Cornelia) sounds like Colonel when spoken to a busy nurse over the phone!
[deleted]: Was this a military hospital? Is an officer privy to protected health information? Mostly unrelated, but important fact to note, the vendor of your provider's healthcare software has the most access to your medical information, with the least scrutiny, of anyone, including your doctor.
Xtaci: It is a military hospital. I don't think that officers are allowed any more privilege with hospital records than the adverage person. I am guessing they don't have Colonels calling in that often.
[deleted]: Do colonels really get that much deference? My grandfather was one, and I remember people saluting us when he drove on base to buy me toys at the px, which I thought was cool, and my best friend's dad just retired as a full bird colonel and I guess I never really thought of either of them as that important.
hatguyfromXKCD: Colonels are a very big deal they run multiple companies of the batallion. Very big deal they run the whole base if Full Bird, if they just got oak leaves they're still a very big deal.
| 5 | 21.6 | |
1366985850 | 1367086215 | null | t5_2to41 | 204 | [deleted]: TIFU by accidentally waxing my ass
Ok, so this wasn’t today, but a few months back.
After spending lots of money over the years for my wife to go to salons and spas and all of those other womanly places to get waxed, I decided it was time to tighten the belt a notch and have her start doing it herself. We bought the wax, we bought the strips, and we were ready to go.
So the next day she’s in the bathroom doing her thing. This is when I learned how messy waxing is. That stuff was ALL OVER. She spills a bunch of wax and needs to clean it up. With her leg up on the toilet, she looks around and sees my pajama pants lying on the floor. What better to clean up wax with right? I’m sure you see where this is going.
I had been lying on the bed and decided to head out for a smoke. I get up, put my pants on, commando style of course, and go outside. I sit down in the chair and enjoy my cigarette. I play on my phone and after about 30 minutes, I stand up. When I stand up, the cheap plastic chair comes with me. Something’s not right here. I push down and that’s when I realize what has happened. The chair is stuck. I push harder. Still stuck. I thrust down hard and it comes loose. My pants stay stuck to the chair and so does most of the hair I have on my ass. I scream. Yes it was the girliest scream that has ever escaped my lips. About this time, my wife is rounding the corner at a run trying to see why her manly man is screaming like a 10 year old girl. As soon as she realizes what has happened, the giggling begins. I’m not amused…
I have to step out of the pants and walk back in house pantsless with a flaming red ass that feels like it’s been burned with a hot poker. She’s still giggling….
TL;DR: Always pay for your wife to get waxed somewhere other than your home, it will come back to bite you in the ass otherwise.
edge_of_glory: Well now your ass is as smooth as a babies bottom. :)
UofBonerBlowing: Smooth as an android's bottom.
| 3 | 68 | |
1366948022 | 1367065354 | null | t5_2to41 | 36 | AudiOWave: TIFU By waking up at the wrong time of night.
So as a bit of background information, I tend to sleep on the couch in the living room, and pressed up against the back of the couch is my computer desk.
Last night I fell asleep pretty early and wound up waking up around 3am, nothing to unusual. While laying on the couch I began redditing on my phone some and it was shortly thereafter I noticed that my older brother was using my computer judging from the furious clicking I figured he was simply playing some videogame. Late in the night but not unusual as we all tend to be somewhat night owls.
Then I noticed a strange sound, sort of a rustling. And also the clicks per minute went wayyy down. Odd I thought to myself, I wonder what he could be doing. Oh god no. On my computer in the din of the night I then began to hear the tell tale signs of a fap session. A major one by sounds of it to, I could just faintly make out the sounds of ill repute from the headphones (my headphones!) he was wearing and some heavy breathing was definitely becoming a thing.
So there I lay, my brother about 6 feet away beating the bishop. My eyes wide and frozen in horror I lay there not sure of what to do. This went on for about half an hour to 45 minutes before he started clapping my mouse against the desk repeatedly, and then suddenly it was all over. His assualt on the clergy apparently over, my brother let out a very audible, "whew" turned off my monitor and hurried off upstairs presumably to bed.
I didn't get to sleep for the rest of the night, and I feel like my computer has been used and abused. My mind and brain are scarred. And nothing feels clean anymore.
TL;DR Woke up to my brother spanking the monkey on my computer a few feet behind me. Pretended to be asleep. Am scarred.
Procrastinashun: >beating the bishop
I giggled.
chewy_dragee: Assaulting the clergy.
Haha
| 3 | 12 | |
1366987349 | 1367001274 | null | t5_2to41 | 31 | [deleted]: TIFU by forgetting my mothers birthday, then remembering while on mushrooms.
So the night of the 24th I planned on staying up till midnight to call and wish her a happy birthday. I ended up getting sleepy and going to bed. No biggie, I'll just do it the next morning.
The morning came and went. So did the afternoon. And the evening. Then I took mushrooms. 2 hours later I hop on facebook for a minute. Oh it's my pot dealers birthday, I should wish her happy b.....
I've never felt my stomach fill with guilt so fast. I paced around for two hours till I was able to sleep, and I swear all the fractals on the rug were judging me. I don't think I have ever felt so ashamed in my life.
**TL;DR Forgot my moms birthday and took a bunch mushrooms to celebrate my ignorance.**
TheRealMrMo: Your pot dealers birthday?
[deleted]: I could have phrased that better. Seeing that it was my pot dealers birthday reminded me it was my moms.
TheRealMrMo: Ah, I see. Thanks for the explanation.
| 4 | 7.75 | |
1367002290 | 1367002981 | null | t5_2to41 | 7 | [deleted]: TIFU (14 years ago) by puking on my boyfriend after the first time i gave head.
It was the first time i gave head and the first time I took one in the mouth. He was really snotty feeling and salty that my gag reflex kicked in and i ended up puking all over his crotch. As I am cleaning him up and apologizing for doing so he was laughing and when I was done he looked at me and said, " Round 2?"
BhrisCosh: So you didn't actually fuck up today...
krissee: No not today but I have seen posts from a while back ( IE 10 years ago on one post) so figured it would be ok.... I do have one from today but I have to wait to post it.
| 3 | 2.333333 | |
1367001353 | 1367083714 | null | t5_2to41 | 37 | [deleted]: TIFU- when my boss caught me sneaking into my job during non business hrs.
Gh
[deleted]: If you have rapport with your boss, talk to her. If not, talk to her with your hr rep present. Any decent company will try to help you.
OfficerGeorgeGreen: Don't do this.
| 3 | 12.333333 | |
1367005319 | 1367111369 | null | t5_2to41 | 1,285 | NewYorkCityGal: TIFU by trusting the guy I was seeing to run to the kitchen before he went down on me...
So let's call him Steve. Steve and I are messing around, clothes come off, and he's about to go downtown. He says "Hang on a second. I want to try something, I'll be right back. Don't move." So I wait. Laying on the edge of the bed, legs hanging down, in my birthday suit. He comes back and says "don't look. I want to see something." All of a sudden I feel something cold hit my vagina. I honestly had no idea what it was. He starts to lick it off, then I realize something is wrong. It's not feeling all that great and it's starting to burn.
I sit up immediately and ask wtf he just put in me. Well this idiot went to the kitchen to get HOT SAUCE and poured it all over my vag!!!! I start yelling and as I'm yelling I can feel everything inside of me start to burn. Before he began licking it off, he made sure to spread it all around and inside. It was horrible. He comes back with an ice cube, realizing that I'm in some serious pain, that he shoves IN my vagina.
It was not a good night. For either of us.
**Tl; dr - Don't put hot sauce in your vagina**
[deleted]: You need to find better men...
NewYorkCityGal: yea. i do. hes kinda a douche on a reg basis
[deleted]: I'm in NYC and have no hot sauce in my fridge. :3
NewYorkCityGal: why not?!
[deleted]: Okay, I actually have a girl and was joking...
D:
GL finding a guy who... makes wiser choices during experimentation.
NewYorkCityGal: :D
haha *fingers crossed
Why the need to tell me you have a girl??? *confused
[deleted]: Haha, I misunderstood your reply.
Erm... never mind. None of this ever happened!
NewYorkCityGal: uh...oootay. :)
[deleted]: Are... are you coming on to me?
NewYorkCityGal: .... uh.... sure. why not
chimera: He was poorly and creepily hitting on you with his "I'm in NYC and have no hot sauce in my fridge. :3", implying that he would date you. Then he claimed it was a joke and that's why he's telling you he has a girlfriend. THEN he's being pathetic and creepy again by asking if you're coming onto him.
NewYorkCityGal: i was crazy confused!!! thanks for clearing this up. :)
| 13 | 98.846154 | |
1366951552 | 1367066416 | null | t5_2to41 | 20 | skunktail: TIFU by assuming someone was on drugs, when they really had a disease.
So I went to a youth rodeo last night and there was a woman sitting behind my aunt and I. The woman looked disheveled, her clothes were older, her shoes were dirty. Her hair was oily, her face and arms had scabs. She smoked cigarette after cigarette. All the other members of the audience were engaged in watching the rodeo, and cheering on the participants. She sat staring blankly. She got up and walked down the bleachers, wobbling and swerving her way down. My aunt says " I think someone needs to go home for the night" and I say, "She needs to take her doped up ass out of here" Next thing I know, the people behind me are politely informing me that she has Huntington's disease. I apologize and proceed to Google Huntington's Disease.
" Huntington's disease is a disorder passed down through families in which nerve cells in certain parts of the brain waste away, or degenerate"
So TIFU by assuming a person who has a life threatening disease was a junkie and TIL I am the BIGGEST asshole in the world!
china-pimiento: You're an asshole even if she was on drugs.
skunktail: Nah. No room for all that at a kids rodeo. Our town is plagued by pill heads.
| 3 | 6.666667 | |
1367027339 | 1367056545 | null | t5_2to41 | 294 | 1fuckup: TIFU by accidentally mailing my conservative Christian father sexual paraphernalia.
Last week, I remembered that my dad's birthday was coming up and decided to be a doll and send him a few of the books on his Amazon wishlist. Added them to my cart. Used the instant checkout method, clicking on his mailing address which had been saved from the previous Christmas. Awesome, birthday shopping complete.
What I failed to realize is that I still had items sitting in my cart from a few months ago, when I was planning on trying out some new, ahem.....*products*. I have my sign-in information set to my old, alternate email, because I hate getting constant Amazon-spam. Because of this, I failed to view the delivery receipt, which may have saved me the embarrassment that was to come.
Fast forward to today, his birthday. I receive an unusually brief email from him saying that I may have accidentally sent him some "personal items" and that he was going to mail the package back to me. I was extremely confused and hurried to log into my alternate email to see what he meant.
Sure enough, one bottle of water-based anal lubricant, and an 8-inch "realistic mold" vibrating cock.
I done fucked up.
Thankfully, we are 600 miles away and I don't have to face him anytime soon, but holy shit. I am mortified imagining his horror, opening a box presumably containing a birthday gift and finding *that*.
Jaketheawesom1: Please tell me that you're a woman.
raychelabcdefg: why?
Jaketheawesom1: If you were a guy and your father knew you where shoving dildos up your ass, do you think he'd be able to talk to you the same?
Edit: Grammar
raychelabcdefg: same applies to a father knowing his daughter likes using big dildos. gender shouldn't matter.
Jaketheawesom1: It shouldn't, but it does.
| 6 | 49 | |
1367041982 | 1367880570 | null | t5_2to41 | 10 | 430amsuprise: TIFU by getting to high and ignoring the face that I had to pee.
My best friend is home for the first time in four months (she lives two hours away) so we decided to get super high. I get the sensation that I have to pee. I ignore it both because I am ridiculously high and my friend is telling a story....finally I get up to go to the bathroom, walk up the stairs and it happens....The flood gates open and the golden river flows...FUCK! Fast forward a few minutes and I am in the bathroom wondering how I am going to change clothes without my husband or best friend wondering what the fuck I am doing. Thankfully my husband had a pair of pajama pants laying on the sink in the bathroom. I put those on and casually walk back to the basement hoping again, they won't notice....But they did and now they won't stop laughing.... Oh well lol.
TL;DR -got high and ignored the fact had to pee and pissed myself; tried to cover it up but they figured it out.
[deleted]: too
Mrminecrafthimself: Don't see why you're getting downvoted, it shouldn't be so hard to differentiate between to, too, and two.
| 3 | 3.333333 | |
1367046530 | 1367083448 | null | t5_2to41 | 122 | Jennywtfman: TIFU by locking myself between two glass doors at work.
I'm an overnight security guard and I have to do building tours throughout the night. So I went to check the lobby doors to make sure they were locked. But to access those doors I have to go through another set of glass doors.
Everything is fine until I go to check the front doors and turn around to open the door I just came through. Aanndddd it's locked. It's never locked. I began pacing and realized I have to call the maintenance guy to come get me out... took him a good 6 minutes to realize what I was telling him.
Here I sit. Waiting for a half hour for him to drive in and hope his master key works.
Seriously. Fuck today.
Edit: spelling mistakes
Update: Master key didn't work. The maintenance guy had to call in another guy to rewire the loading dock access to get into the building to let me in. Had to sit in that enclosed space for an hour and 45 minutes.
inmyotherpants79: I can't relate to this. The only thing I can do is share some personal humiliation:
I once slammed my nipples in the silverware drawer.
SuperRainbowUnicorn: Wut
inmyotherpants79: It was summer so I was wearing a thin tank top and no bra. I was trying to reach something on the counter and leaned forward, not realizing the drawer was open. I'm short, the twins aren't small, the drawer slammed shut on my nipples.
Jennywtfman: Sweet jeebus! I never thought that was possible.
inmyotherpants79: My formerly bruised nipples can attest that it can. I think a a lot of it had to do with my height and the fact that the counters were higher than most.
| 6 | 20.333333 |
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