Cooper awoke to the warmth of the sun on his face. No, that wasn't quite right. It was still dark, and this warmth was liquidy. He opened his eyes to discover a stray dog pissing on him. He sat up and spit out the dog piss that had run into his mouth.

"What day is it?"

The dog didn't answer. Instead it sniffed at one of Dave's gauntlets, still lying undisturbed on the ground, presumably still full of Cooper's shit.

"Merciful spirits!" cried Cooper. "There's still time! Make haste, dog! Run and fetch the prize turkey!"

The dog stared blankly at him.

"Go on. Get the fuck out of here." He took a threatening step toward the dog, and it ran off.

The door to the Whore's Head Inn opened, and Julian, Dave, and Tim stepped out.

"He looks okay to me," said Tim.

"Hey," said Dave. "What are my gauntlets doing out here?" He took a step toward them.

"No!" Cooper shouted. He jumped repeatedly on the gauntlets until they were mangled beyond repair. The pain in his feet was eclipsed by the joy in his heart.

"What the fuck, man!" cried Dave.

"You're welcome," said Cooper.

"How hard did he hit his head?" asked Tim.

"Pretty hard," said Julian.

Cooper picked up Tim and squeezed him against his chest. "Oh, Tiny Tim! I'm so happy you're alive!"

"Please don't call me that," said Tim. "And put me down. You smell like shit."

Inside the inn, the party was still going strong. Cooper switched from beer to stonepiss to drown out the pain in his head and feet. His "Tiny Tim" moniker spread quickly, made even more hilarious by how pissed off Tim got every time someone said it. No matter what universe you happen to be stuck in, there are few things in life funnier than an angry midget.

Frank's face was beet red from laughing so hard. "Please, sir. May I have another?"

"That's not even the right fucking story!" screamed Tim. He climbed up on a table to address the drunken crowd. The bards stopped playing their instruments and the crowd quieted down and looked at him.

He raised his little arms and extended both middle fingers. "God damn you, every one!"

⁂

[ Sticky White Mess ]

Julian stared at the yellowed, musty pages of a random spellbook he had picked up from a nearby shelf. The magical runes were easy enough to decipher into pronounceable syllables, but they made no sense to him. It was like trying to understand a foreign language after only having cracked its alphabet.

He honestly didn't give a damn what was in the book. The only reason he'd picked it up was to give him an excuse to sit at one of the tables, across from a stunningly beautiful female elf. She had curly golden hair that a goddess would envy, and ears that could sail ships. He and Ravenus shot each other a mutually curious glance. It was only since arriving in this world that Julian had come to include 'enormous ears' as something he looked for in a woman.

A Norwegian forest cat, white around the muzzle but otherwise covered in splotches of brown and black, lay curled up next to the elven girl's book. It looked like his aunt's cat, only fatter and presumably with even more tenuous ties to Norway. It kept a lazy watch on Ravenus, each of them likely fantasizing about making a meal of the other.

Ravenus was growing impatient. Julian could sense it, just as he knew the bird could sense his own feelings of jittery inadequacy in the presence of such beauty. He scratched a talon on the rough wood of the table. The sound was amplified by the otherwise silent library.

The elven maiden blew a golden curl out of her eye. "Do you two mind?" she said. "I'm trying to study."

"Gryffindor?" asked Julian.

"What in the Abyss are you talking about?" she said.

Julian looked at Ravenus. "Slytherin."

The elf girl likewise turned her attention to Ravenus. "What is he talking about?"

Ravenus shrugged his wings. "I'm sorry ma'am. I honestly don't know."

The tips of Julian's own giant ears were burning. He was making a fool of himself. What good was a Charisma score of 17 if he couldn't even competently talk to a girl?

"Begging your pardon, miss," said Ravenus. "I believe my master fancies you."

"Ravenus!" said Julian. "Get out of here!"

"I was only trying to –"

"Right now! Wait outside."

"Yes, sir," said Ravenus. "Right away, sir." He flew out of the library through one of many small openings high in the wall which seemed to have been placed there specifically for flying familiars to enter and exit through.

"I'm really sorry," said Julian. "I don't know what's gotten into him. I'm just here to study as well." He closed his book and held up the cover for her to see.

"Illusory Spells, Volume VI," said the elf girl. "That's some pretty heavy reading. What spell are you working on?"

Julian flipped open to the first random page he could find with emboldened title runes. "This one." He sounded out the syllables. "Mis…lead." He slapped his palm against his forehead. "Shit."

The elf girl smiled. "You're doing a fine job of it."

"Look, I'm sorry," said Julian. "Ravenus was right. I only grabbed this book off the shelf so I'd have an excuse to sit next to you. You're… I'm… You've got really pretty ears."

She rolled her eyes, but her cat purred. Julian grinned.

"Lucifer!" she said. "Stop it!" She picked the cat up off the table and tossed him onto the floor. "Go find some rats." The cat gave her a small whine of disapproval before scampering off. The pudgy critter was quicker than Julian would have guessed it could.

"You named your cat Lucifer?" asked Julian.

"It's Draconic for 'Light Bringer'".

"Yeah, I know that," Julian lied. "It's just that…"

"What?"

"I don't know, it's just…"

"Listen, I'm flattered that you like my ears or whatever. You have lovely ears yourself. But I've only got a week to learn this Invisibility spell, or else I'm not going to graduate this year."

"Invisibility?" said Julian. "I've looked into that spell. It's only level 2."

"Well excuse me," she said. "I'm sorry if I came off as some great wizardess. I didn't mean to Mislead you."

"I said I was sorry about that," said Julian. "If you'd ease off a bit, I might be able to help you."

"Do you even know the Invisibility spell?"

"Not yet," said Julian. "But it's high on my list of spells to learn."

"So you're saying what?" she said. "You want to be study partners or something?"

"Not exactly," said Julian. "In fact, I think you're wasting your time here."

She raised a perfect golden eyebrow. "Is that right? And how powerful a wizard are you to advise me such?"

Julian lowered his eyes. "I've only dabbled in wizardry," he admitted. "I wasn't very good at it. But I'm a practicing sorcerer now."

"Ha!" she said. "Sorcery. Lazy man's magic. There's no discipline in sorcery. You fling spells around without understanding the magic behind them, and to what end? When I'm enchanting swords for the king's personal guard, you'll still be performing at children's birthday parties."

"I don't think that's –"

"Listen, pretty boy! I didn't work my ears off for two years at Mystical Melinda's Preparatory Academy for Girls just so some mage-clown could come sweep me off my feet in a public library. Now if you don't mind, I've –"

"You spent two years trying to master a second level spell?"

"I wish you'd stop talking like that. What are these levels you keep talking about?"

"Never mind that," said Julian. "It doesn't matter how you approach your magic, or whatever path you choose to follow in life. In this world, there's one surefire way to advance."

"And what's that?"

"Kill monsters."

The female elf pursed her lips and furrowed her brow at Julian. It was adorable. "You're saying that if I practice the spells I've already mastered, I'll be better equipped to understand new magic?"

"No," said Julian. "I'm saying that if you go kill some monsters, you'll gain experience."

"Kill them with magic?"

"If you like. Stab them, hit them with sticks, throw them off cliffs. Whatever you like. My friend Cooper uses an axe. Tim's more partial to a crossbow. Dave usually just stands around and gets the crap beaten out of –"

"Stop talking," said the female elf. "How is any of that supposed to help me master this invisibility spell by next week?"

Julian stood up. "Depending on how far along you are already, you might have that spell mastered by this evening." He flashed a smile, making a conscious Diplomacy check. "Come on, what do you say? I'll buy you dinner."

She stood up and bit her lower lip. "I suppose I should eat at some point." She slammed her massive, leather-bound book closed and shoved it into a rough suede backpack. Her cloak was made out of the same material. It looked just loose enough to allow her the range of movement she'd need to cast spells while still being thick and rugged enough to deflect a casual attempt at a stabbing. "Okay, sorcerer. I'm willing to waste a few hours while I let my brain recharge. What did you have in mind?"

"First I'll introduce you to my friends," said Julian. "What's your name?"

She broke eye contact for a split-second before answering. "Um... You can call me Diamond."

Julian smiled. "That's a pretty name. I'm Julian."

Diamond stood up and strapped on her backpack. "Let's go then, Julian the Sorcerer."

"What about Lucifer?"

"He'll catch up."

Julian led the way out of the arched front entrance of the Great Library of Cardinia. A grassy quad, about the size of a football field, served as a communal open area for the library they stood in front of, the university to their left, City Hall directly across from them, and the Cardinian Multi-faith Grand Temple and Medical Center to their right. Along the perimeter of the quad, between each of these four prominent structures, stood an assortment of tents, specialty shops, food vendors, minor potions and scrolls dealers, showmen, and charlatans. If he cared to look hard enough, he could probably spot a few residents of the Whore's Head Inn hawking their meager wares.

Ravenus flew down from the roof of the library and perched atop his quarterstaff. "May I rejoin you, sir?"

"Of course," said Julian. "Did you find anything to eat?"

"No, sir. I merely sat on the roof."

"Oh, that's –"

"Waiting."

"You didn't –"

"Alone."

"I'm sorry, Ravenus," said Julian. "You just… She was… You were speaking too candidly. Human conversations are more complex than that. There are subtleties and –"

"What do human conversations have to do with anything?" asked Diamond.

"Oh, sorry," said Julian. "I meant elven."

"You are a strange one," said Diamond. "Where are these friends of yours?"

They weren't hard to find. While there was no shortage of dwarves, halflings, and half-orcs roaming the quad, it was rare to see any of them interacting with any other than their own kind, and most of them seemed to have something better to do on a weekday morning than sit on the grass and get wasted.

"There they are," said Julian. Cooper was waving a jug at him.

"Those are your friends?" said Diamond.

"Yeah."

"Wow," she said. "I wasn't expecting such a... um... diverse group."

"Try not to take offense at anything Cooper might say," said Julian. "He's a good guy, but he tends to come off a bit abrasive before you really get to know him."

"Which one's Cooper?"

"He's the half-orc waving the jug."

"Thanks for the warning."

"Hey guys," said Julian as soon as they were within reasonable speaking distance. "I'd like to introduce a friend of mine." He ignored the amused glance exchanged by Dave and Tim. "This is Diamond."

"Sweet," said Cooper. "Is she a stripper?"

Tim coughed some beer out of his nose.

"Cooper!" said Julian. "I'm sorry, Diamond."

"It's quite all right," said Diamond. She smiled politely at Cooper. "I'm afraid I'm nothing quite so exciting as that. Just a boring university student."

Cooper nodded. "I like your pussy."

Tim lost it. He fell backwards, barely holding on to his bottle in one hand while he pounded the grass with the other. Even Dave choked on his stonepiss.

"God dammit, Cooper!" shouted Julian.

"I love it when they stretch like that."

Julian pulled his ears down to his cheeks. "What the fuck is wrong with you, man?"

"Why thank you," said Diamond.

"What?" cried Julian.

"His name is Lucifer."

Julian turned around. Diamond's familiar had shown up, its front paws stretched out in front of its yawning face.

"Have you considered shaving it?" asked Dave, only barely managing to keep his laughter under control. Everyone looked at him.

"What a random and oddly inappropriate question," said Cooper.

Diamond picked up her cat. "Yes. I must say that was kind of weird."

"I was just advising Diamond," said Julian, "on the best way to master a new spell."

Cooper pointed past Julian. "I think there's a library over there."

"Thank you, Cooper," said Julian. "That's very helpful. I was hoping someone might have an idea of a more efficient way to accumulate the requisite experience necessary to achieve said mastery." If one of the guys were to bring up monster-killing, it would give him some credibility.

"Practice makes perfect," said Dave. "I've often found that if you want to learn how to do something, the best method is to just dive right in and do it, mistakes be damned. Sooner or later, the perseverance will reward you with –"

"Shut up, Dave," said Julian. "Tim, do you have any ideas?"

Tim narrowed his eyes and nodded slowly, licking his lips as if he had picked up on a bit of innuendo that Julian hadn't intended to transmit. He took a quick swig from his bottle and then smiled up at Diamond.

"Let me assure you," said Tim. "My friend Julian is an accomplished tutor of the arcane arts, and his rates are competitive." He pulled the scroll tube containing his character sheet out of his bag. He unrolled the paper and ran his finger down the center. "We might be able to work you in for an hour tomorrow afternoon."

Julian hung his head.

"Huh," said Diamond. Her tone was slightly amused, but largely unimpressed. "Are you guys trying to swindle me?"

"No!" said Julian. "Of course not!" He glared at Tim. "Well, I suppose he was, but I'm not."

"Sorry, dude," said Tim. "I thought you were dropping a hint."

"I was," said Julian. "I was talking about killing monsters."

"Oh right," said Tim.

"Of course," agreed Dave. "Much more efficient."

"Beats the shit out of studying," said Cooper.

Julian looked at Diamond. "Convinced?"

"I only agreed to this out of curiosity about you and your strange friends," said Diamond. "This is time I'm allowing myself to waste. I never believed for a second that throwing rocks at the tarrasque was going to advance my academic career."

"Who's the tarrasque?" asked Julian.

Diamond looked at him skeptically. "Is that a serious question?"

"Of course not," Julian lied. "Does that mean you're willing to give it a try?"

"I'm willing to watch whatever crazy show you have in store for me."

"That begs the question," said Tim, swaying on his feet. "What crazy show do you have in store for her?"

"I was thinking about that little cave we ran across yesterday," said Julian.

"The one with the giant spiders crawling around outside of it?" said Dave. "Didn't you use your stupid Diplomacy skill specifically to keep us from going in there?"

"I've had a change of heart."

"It's amazing what hormones can do."

"What did you call me, runt?" said Diamond, dropping Lucifer and drawing a dagger from her left sleeve. The handle was marbled red and black. A pair of entwined serpents was etched along the center of the blade. Lucifer's fur bristled as he hissed at Dave.

"Whoa!" said Julian. "He didn't mean it like that."

"How many ways could he mean it?" Diamond snapped back at him. Then to Dave, "Don't think I won't willingly die defending my honor. And if it comes to that, I promise I'll take you into the Abyss with me, dwarf."

"Seriously, Dave," said Cooper. "That was uncalled for. What's gotten into you?"

Dave stood, mouth agape.

"Hormones!" said Julian, trying to crank up the Diplomacy. "One word. They're chemicals in our bodies that regulate our growth and influence our motivations."

Diamond tucked the dagger back into sleeve. "I'll take you at your word this time, only because I haven't understood a single thing you've been talking about since I met you. Just keep the dwarf away from me. He gives me the creeps."

"I don't know that I'm in any condition to go spider hunting," said Tim. "I'm a little wasted."

"Well who told you to start drinking so early in the day?" said Julian. "Did you even get the trigger mechanism on your crossbow fixed?"

Tim grabbed his crossbow from off his back and frowned at it. "Umm… no. I forgot to do that."

"That's the whole reason we walked all the way to the city center!"

"We got distracted," said Cooper. "We ran into a booze stall while we were looking for a weapon repair shop."

"Here," said Diamond. "Let me see it."

Tim handed over his crossbow. Diamond held it close to her face, and squinted into the trigger area. She pulled out her dagger. After a few pokes, prods, clicks, and twists, she successfully cocked and released the weapon.

"Good as new," she said, handing it back to Tim.

"Impressive," said Julian.

"I'm an only child," said Diamond. "It was important to my father that I know how to handle a variety of weapons." She looked down at Tim. "You really should take better care of that. The time you're most likely to discover it doesn't work is likely the time you most need it."

"Wise words," said Julian.

"My father's," said Diamond. "Now who's up for this great spider hunt? If we don't get started soon, I'm going to go back to studying."

"Okay," said Julian. "Let's go. Time to sober up, Tim."

Tim took a swig from his bottle. "Fuck it. I'll take my chances."

Half an hour later, they were beyond the protection of the city walls, headed northwest, away from the main road, across the grassy expanse between road and woodland.

"Stay low," Julian whispered to Diamond. "There may be owlbears out here."

"I'll fear no owlbear in the company of such brave men."

"I can't tell if you're being sarcastic."

"She is," said Dave.

"Just keep your distance, dwarf," said Diamond, any trace of mirth now gone from her voice. "And if you keep staring at my bottom, you'll find yourself minus an eye."

Dave's face turned red. "It's not my fault," he said. "I'm slower than you are, and I'm short."

The top of Tim's head appeared over the top of the tall grass. He was jumping, but not as high as he wanted to. "Are we almost to the trees?" he said. "I've got to piss."

"Just piss in the grass," said Cooper. "That's what I've been doing."

"I know," said Tim. "I've been stepping in it, asshole."

"Keep it down, guys," said Julian. "We're almost there."

When they finally did arrive at the tree line, Julian was relieved. The grasslands may be generally safer than the forest, and it was certainly easier to spot larger predators from farther away. But there could have been smaller, yet just as deadly, creatures lurking mere feet away crouching in wait, and he'd have been none the wiser until they made their move.

While Tim saturated the stump of a felled oak, Cooper rubbed his ass against the trunk of another, leaving behind a crumbly streak of green and brown. Somewhere, a druid was crying.

"Ravenus?" Julian called out as loudly as he dared.

"Up here, sir," said Ravenus, perched on a branch of the tree Cooper was busy defiling.

"What are you doing?" asked Julian. "You were supposed to be scouting the area."

"There's not much to scout, sir," said Ravenus. "The whole area is quiet. Unnaturally so, if I may offer my opinion."

Julian concentrated. Ravenus was right. Outside of the waning trickle of Tim's urine and the scratching of Cooper's leathery ass against bark, the place was silent. No tittering birds. No chirping crickets. No chattering squirrels. "What do you suppose –"

"There!" said Diamond, reaching into her sleeve.

Julian whirled around just in time to spot a nondescript pile of underbrush before Diamond threw her dagger into it. Much to Julian's surprise, the pile of sticks and leaves shrieked and stood upright. It had a reptilian face and hateful red eyes.

"Kobolds!" said Dave.

An instant later, a dozen or more bowstrings twanged from every direction.

"Ow!" said Cooper. His torso was peppered with arrows. "That hurts, you little shitbags!"

Dave touched Cooper's elbow. "I heal thee."

Cooper let out a long, soft fart that sounded like a weak outboard motor while most of the arrows fell out of his body.

The kobold Diamond had hit with her dagger called out two sharp barks and a yelp. Based on his comrades' reactions, Julian guessed the order was Chihuahuan for 'retreat'. They fanned out in different directions.

Cooper started to run after one kobold while Dave charged after a different one in the opposite direction.

"What's going on?" asked Tim, unstoppering a fresh bottle of booze. "Where the fuck is everybody going?"

"Stop!" shouted Diamond. She spoke with such presence that Cooper and Dave stopped dead in their tracks. Even one of the kobolds paused long enough for Julian to shoot him in the face.

"Have some," said Julian as the confused reptile collapsed to the ground. He looked to see if Diamond had seen the shot. She hadn't. She was busy shouting at Cooper.

"Don't split the party," said Diamond. "They'll only regroup and hunt you individually. Go after the leader!"

"Holy shit!" said Tim. "Kobolds!" He raised his crossbow and pulled the trigger. His bolt lodged into the trunk of a nearby tree about eight feet from the ground and not even close to any kobolds. "Fuck."

Diamond took off after the kobold she had hit with her dagger. Julian and Dave followed, and it wasn't long before Julian heard Cooper stomping through the brush, hot on his heels. He cast a glance behind him and was relieved to see that Cooper had Tim tucked under his arm like a football.

They almost all piled into each other when they caught up with Diamond. She was just standing there, hands on her hips, her head turning right, then left, then right again.

"What happened?" asked Julian. "Where'd he go?"

"He just disappeared," said Diamond.

"Did you see him disappear?" asked Julian. "Could it have been a spell?"

"I don't think so. He was in too much of a hurry to be casting spells. I lost sight of him for a second, and then he was gone. He's around here somewhere."

Julian looked up into the treetops. He supposed a creature that small would be able to hide in the foliage, but it was unlikely it would have been able to climb that high without being seen.

"Maybe we should just let them go," said Dave.

"They tried to kill your friend," said Diamond.

"Don't worry about me," said Cooper. "It's cool." He set Tim down and plucked an arrow out of his chest.

"The leader still has my dagger," said Diamond.

"We can get you another dagger," offered Dave.

"That one was special."

Dave chuckled. "How special could it be? It didn't even kill a kobold."

Diamond glared down at Dave so severely that it might have killed a kobold. "My father gave me that dagger."

Dave lowered his head. "I'm just going to shut up now."

Tim staggered into the tense air between Dave and Diamond. "You guys are going about this all wrong. You've got to look at it logically." He walked aimlessly as he talked, constantly changing directions, as if moving was the only thing keeping him from falling over. He finally steadied himself against a tree with one hand and waved his bottle around with the other as he continued. "This is the time to apply Occam's Razor."

"You have a magical blade?" Diamond sounded skeptical.

"It's not a weapon," said Tim. "It's a principal of logic. When you have… give me a minute, I'm a little wasted." He bit his lower lip. "Okay, I've got it. Let's say you have two entities, and –"

Cooper snorted. Everyone looked at him.

"What?" said Cooper. "He said titties."

"Ha!" said Diamond, her face lighting up. "I suppose he did."

Dave scrunched up his face and punched a tree trunk.

"If you halfwits would shut up for a minute," said Tim, staggering away from his tree, toward a spot of slightly elevated ground to sit down on. "I'll solve your little – FUCK!" A rectangular panel of earth gave way beneath his ass, and he fell into a concealed hole.

The fake ground was mounted on an axle at its center, and the whole thing swung around like a giant garbage can lid to reveal an identical display on the opposite side. Settling into place, it was nearly indistinguishable from the natural forest floor surrounding it.

"Well I'll be damned," said Cooper. "Is that how a rogue's Trapfinding ability works?"

"Seems counterproductive if you ask me," said Julian.

Dave poked the head of his mace at the trap door, opening it just a crack. It was dark inside. "Tim?" he called.

"Yeah?" Tim called back.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"'Cause you just fell in a pit."

"Oh, right," said Tim. "It's cool. There's a safety net or something. I can't tell. It's dark down here. I can't find my beer."

"You've probably had enough for now anyway."

"Screw you!"

"Okay," said Dave. "Just hang on a bit. We're going to figure out a way to get you out of there." He removed his mace, and the gap closed. "What do you think?" he said to the rest of the party.

"Throw him a rope?" suggested Julian.

"Tim's got the rope."

"Fuck it," said Cooper. "Let's just jump in after him. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Do I seriously have to answer that question?" said Julian.

"You heard him," said Cooper. "He said there's a safety net."

"That doesn't strike you as odd?" said Dave. "I mean, who puts a safety net at the bottom of a pit trap? Doesn't that entirely defeat the purpose of leaving a trap in the first place?"

"You think too much," said Cooper. "There are times for thinking, and there are times for action."

Dave rubbed the leopard fur on his wrist. "Well I think this certainly qualifies as a time for –"

"Action," said Cooper, shoving Dave into the pit.

"Shiiiiiiit!" said Dave, disappearing into the hole.

"That was a dick move, Cooper," said Julian. "Even for you."

"I was just having some fun with him," said Cooper. "We were all going to jump in sooner or later. It's not like we had a whole lot of choice. We weren't just going to leave Tim down there and go hit the pub, were we?"

"There are always options."

"Like what?"

"We could have sent Ravenus down to bring back one end of Tim's rope."

Cooper stroked his fat, leathery neck. "That's a good idea. You should have brought it up before I –"

A screeching, howling roar reverberated through the forest, like Satan had just stepped on a Lego.

"What was that?" asked Dave.

"Owlbears," said Diamond.

"Dammit," said Julian.

"They've caught our scent," said Diamond. "Whatever options there were are gone now. We have to jump in."

"I told you," said Cooper.

"But there could be anything down there," Julian protested.

Diamond hugged Lucifer close to her chest. "Between anything and owlbears, I'll choose anything." She jumped into the pit.

"That was irresponsible reasoning," said Julian.

Another piercing scream-roar shook the air. This one was closer than before.

"Have fun with the owlbears, fucker," said Cooper, and cannonballed through the revolving trap door.

"Well, shit," Julian said to Ravenus, the only one there left to listen. "You coming?" He held the trap door open with his quarterstaff, just wide enough for Ravenus to get through. The bird dove through the gap and into the darkness.

Julian was nudging the trap door with his foot, trying to muster up the courage to jump into some strange abyss, when an owlbear crashed into view. It might have been the adrenaline talking, but the beast looked to be as big as a house, with a beak like the sharpened hood of a Volkswagen Beetle. When its eyes met his, he suddenly found he had the courage to run away. He jumped into the hole.

The drop was a little longer than Julian had been anticipating. It was just long enough for him to have time to wonder if he had missed the alleged safety net before he finally connected with it.

His impact made a reverberating ripple in the rest of the net, on which he could get a sense of where everyone else was around him without actually being able to see them. A slow and steady wave met him from beyond his feet. A dull moan came from the same direction. Dave. A lighter, but more rapid, pulse came from his left, accompanied by the sound of vomiting. Tim. A solid presence was somewhere above him, conspicuous due to its relative lack of movement. The dense mass was laughing. Cooper. A final mass, proportional to his own, was see-sawing with him in a steady rhythm. It asked "Are you okay?" Diamond.

"I'm fine," said Julian. "Just getting my bearings is all." Despite the constant waving of the net, Julian managed to sit upright. It was a little more challenging still because his clothes and skin stuck to the fabric. "Ew… why's it sticky?"

"Oh good," said Cooper. "You feel that too? I thought it was just my skin."

"I still can't find my bottle," said Tim. "How about some light, Julian?"

Julian pulled a copper coin out of his belt pouch and cupped it between his hands. "Light." When he uncovered the coin, his immediate surroundings were bathed in soft, golden light. They were in a roughly spherical earthen-walled chamber. The net they were all sitting on bisected the chamber horizontally. While it appeared to have been put there for the unlikely purpose of safety for those who fell victim of the trap above, it did not appear to be man-made. It was a dense and haphazard weave of sticky, silky strands of… something. It was stronger than it looked, too. The whole net was paper thin, but supported all of their weight easily. Fingering a few strands of it, Julian guessed he'd have a hard time ripping through it if he wanted to.

Movement in the shadows just beyond the radius of his Light spell caught his attention.

"What was that?" he whispered.

"Um," said Dave as the shadows moved in closer, taking more definite forms. There were dozens of them. "You know those spiders we were hunting? I think we found them."

The spiders closed in, forming a perimeter around the group. They ranged in size from Dave to Cooper, either venom or saliva dripping from their fangs. Neither boded well for Julian and his friends.

"We are so fucked," said Dave.

Even a straight fight on solid ground would have been nigh-impossible to win. There were just too many of them, and they were so big. And here they were on the spiders' turf, where those eight-legged fuckers could move about like Fred Astaire, but he and his friends would struggle to crawl. Julian hated to admit it, but Dave had made what he felt was an astute observation.

Interestingly enough, the spiders didn't close in and devour them all. Not just then, at least. They kept a safe distance while chattering to each other in their spider language. The biggest one stood tall on its exoskeletal legs and scurried through the crowd into the darkness beyond the Light spell.

"Hello," said Julian to the nearest spider. He spoke slowly and loudly. "We mean you no harm. We are sorry for invading your home. We would just like to leave."

The spider opened its giant mandibles and hissed at him.

"Do you have magic to speak with spiders?" asked Diamond.

"No," said Julian.

"Then what good do you think you're going to accomplish?"

"I don't know. It's better than nothing, right?"

"I'm not so sure that it was."

The spider chatter rose steadily in volume and pitch until it stopped abruptly. The spiders in Cooper's direction parted to form an empty lane on the massive web. The large spider which had scurried away now returned. It was not alone. Behind it were two even larger creatures. They, too, walked on arachnid legs, but their torsos and heads were like those of elves, only black.

The male stood tall and proud, white braids hanging down from either side of his black, angular face. White ink tattoos of bladed weapons ran the length of each muscular arm and across his broad chest. The female wore her hair in a short flapper bob. The cleavage of her pert black breasts was barely contained by a corset that looked to be woven of spider silk.

"Driders," said Dave. His voice was less than enthusiastic.

"What are driders?" asked Julian.

"Half drow, half spider," said Dave.

"Drow?" said Julian. "Oh wait, I remember. Those were the black people, right?"

"Dark elves."

"Is that like the game equivalent of African American?"

"No, it's –":

"Silence!" said the male drider.

Julian and Dave ceased their discussion at once.

The male drider grinned, showing off a mouthful of shiny white teeth which matched his pupil-less eyes. "You have done well, my pet," he said, patting the giant spider at his side. "You shall be rewarded." He turned to the female drider. "The Dark Goddess smiles upon us this day, my bride. We needn't make do with a single measly Kobold after all."

"That kobold," said Julian. "Was it carrying a dagger? Because –"

"Silence!" the male drider roared. He elevated his body on his great spider legs until he was able to curve his abdomen underneath them. From the rear tip of his abdomen, he squirted a sticky white fluid at Julian, covering him from shoulder to knee.

"Hey!" said Julian, earning him another squirt. He found he was unable to move his arms away from the sides of his body. His legs were likewise stuck together. The substance began to crystallize into strands similar to the ones which made up the web they were all standing on.

"Dude," said Cooper. "Did you just jizz on my friend? That's not cool, man."

"You will mind your tongue, foul creature!" said the female drider. She sprayed a coating of web at Cooper.

"Fucking hell, man," said Cooper, struggling to tear through the fluid before it crystallized. "Your missus packs quite a load as well. I totally didn't see that coming."

Both driders focused their spray on Cooper, and he was soon overwhelmed in a thick, white cocoon, completely covered except for his head.

"This is so humiliating," Cooper groaned. "I feel like a Japanese secretary." He wriggled around on the web like a giant maggot.

The rest of the group were barely able to stand up on the web, much less defend themselves. One by one, the driders coated them all in individual cocoons.

After they were all helplessly squirming on the web, the giant spiders grouped themselves into teams, squirted a bit more web onto each of their feet, and started dragging them out of the chamber.

"Reginald," said the female drider. "Can't we just eat the little one now? It's been so long since we've had proper mammal. I grow so weary of kobold flesh."

The male drider, Reginald, looked back at his wife sympathetically, but shook his head. "When the Dark Goddess bestows such gifts upon us, it is unwise not to make the most of them. The kobold who preceded this group is not like to survive the night. If we eat the halfling now, the kobold meat runs the risk of spoiling. We shall dine on kobold tonight. We can have the halfing tomorrow, dear Lidia."

Lidia lowered her head, pouting.

Reginald placed his index finger under Lidia's chin and lifted her head until their eyes met. He was smiling. "I know a certain someone who has a birthday next week," he said. "I can't think of a better reason to feast on dwarf."

Lidia's white eyes brightened. "Oh Reginald! You are right of course. I will wait!" Then she frowned and looked down at Cooper. "And what shall we do with the half-orc? I fear his meat has already begun to spoil."

"Fuck you, lady!" said Cooper. "That's my natural musk."

"My children!" Reginald bellowed, his arms spread out before him. The spiders all stopped simultaneously. "Put this group in the storage chamber. Bring my beautiful bride and I the wounded kobold. Please me and you shall all dine on half-orc tonight!"

The spiders glanced uncomfortably at one another for a moment. A few of the nearest ones gave Cooper a sniff and backed away. One of the spiders chattered.

Reginald lowered his arms. "Well then do it because you've been ordered to, ungrateful vermin! There's nothing stopping us from dining on spider, you know."

With that, the spiders returned to their duties. A few of them scurried ahead. Julian and his friends were dragged through a ten foot wide earthen-walled corridor which led downward at a slight angle out of the pit-trap chamber.

A few minutes passed before Julian heard weak moaning coming from the other direction. "What's that noise?"

"I can't move my head that way," said Dave. He was one of the two of the party who was able to see in the pitch-black darkness they were being dragged through. They were now well beyond the light of Julian's enchanted coin. The spell had probably expired by now anyway.

"I see it," said Cooper. "The spiders that ran ahead are dragging something back this way."

"The wounded kobold," said Julian.

"See if he's got my dagger when he passes," said Diamond.

"Ha!" shrieked the kobold as he was dragged past them. "This is your fault! You deserve this. I'll die with a smile on my face."

"Where's my dagger, you little reptilian bastard?" said Diamond.

"Damn you all to the depths!" shouted the kobold. His voice was fading. The spiders were moving faster.

"I didn't see any daggers on him, but he was covered in spider splooge, so he might have had it under there or something."

Eventually they arrived at some sort of a destination. The way the sound echoed off the walls, Julian guessed they were in another large chamber. The texture of the floor felt like web, though it wasn't suspended in the air like in the other chamber. This was just web on solid ground.

"What's going on?" asked Julian.

"I think we're in the storage chamber," said Dave. "The walls, floor, and ceiling are all covered in white."

Cooper snorted. "It looks like Dave got set loose in an elementary school."

Tim laughed.

"Fuck you, Cooper," said Dave.

"Cease your stupid bickering right now," said Diamond. "What are the spiders doing?"

"About half of them are climbing up the walls," said Dave. "The rest are just hanging around. There's something hanging from the ceiling. Two somethings actually. They might be kobolds."

"Are they alive?" asked Diamond.

"It's hard to tell from here," said Dave. "They aren't really moving or anything. They look – Oh my God, I wish you guys could see this!"

"What's going on?" asked Julian.

"The spiders are descending from the ceiling in groups of three. They're suspended from their own threads, but they're swinging around one another, braiding the threads together. It's remarkable."

"I'm glad you're enjoying this so much, dwarf," said Diamond. "But shouldn't you be focusing more on a way to get us out of here?"

"I'm just reporting what I see," said Dave. "Nobody ever likes my ideas anyway. I'll leave the escape to the brainy one."

"Who's the brainy one?"

"Tim."

"The drunk halfling?"

"I've really got to piss," said Tim.

"Something tells me his mind isn't completely focused on the task at hand," said Diamond.

"Then Julian can think of something," said Dave. "He's got a knack for thinking up crazy stupid ideas that always manage to work."

"Well thank you, Dave," said Julian. "I'll take that as a – Shit, what's going on?" His feet were being pulled again, but not forward. This time they were being pulled up.

"We're being hoisted up to the ceiling," said Dave.

Julian ascended slowly for a couple of minutes. In the darkness, it was impossible to tell just how far up he was. Shortly after he stopped ascending, the spiders scurried away.

"Whassup?" said Cooper. Something growled in response. Presumably, one of the kobolds Dave had mentioned.

"You shouldn't be so hostile," said Julian. "We're all in this together now. The only chance we have of escaping is by working together."

"Ha!" one of the kobolds barked. "You think you're going to escape? There is no escaping here. The only way you're getting out of here is when those driders shit out your remains. There were eight of us hanging up here last week. Jirrick told us about what you did to him. Now he's being devoured as well. You all can rot in the Abyss."

"Jirrick?" said Diamond. "Is that the kobold leader? Did he mention having a dagger on him?"

The kobold merely growled at her.

Julian had no intention of being drider shit. He started swinging his body back and forth. "Dave, how high up would you say we are?"

"I don't know," said Dave. "Pretty high."

"I mean, do you think we'd survive a fall from this height?"

"It would definitely hurt. And you'd probably land on your face."

Julian stopped swinging. He'd go back to that if he didn't think of anything else.

"Cooper," said Julian. "Do you think you're strong enough to bust out of your web?"

"I don't know," said Cooper. "Those fuckers bukakked me pretty good. I'm trying. I feel like I'm close, but not quite strong enough."

"Use your Barbarian Rage," said Julian. "That should bump your Strength up more than enough to break through."

"I already used it today."

"When?"

"This morning, while you were in the library."

"You guys were all getting trashed on the quad," said Julian. "What did you have to get enraged

about?"

"The booze guy needed help moving his stall," said Cooper. "He wanted to make room for a Doomsayer. He said people drink more when they think the world is about to end."

"Dammit," said Julian. Then he had an idea. "Ravenus!" He tried to keep his tone the same as if he were just talking to his friends. "Ravenus, if you're out there, don't answer. Just come to me."

A few seconds later, he heard the familiar flapping, and then Ravenus was perched on his shoulder, hanging upside down from the webbing.

"I'm here, sir. Do you want I should cut you down from here?"

"Jesus, no," said Julian. "Don't do that. I'd probably break my neck. But do you think you could claw through to my hand?"

"Not a problem, sir." Ravenus flew up to Julian's hand and began tearing away at web.

"It'll take that bird forever to get you free," said Dave. "And then what?"

"I'm not trying to get myself free," said Julian. "That's it, Ravenus. Almost there. Ow! Okay, that's enough."

Ravenus stopped scratching. "Sorry, sir. I seem to have nicked you a bit."

"It's okay, Ravenus," said Julian, grabbing one of Ravenus's talons. "I want you to deliver this spell to Cooper."

"Of course, sir."

Julian whispered the incantation. "Bull's Strength." He let go of Ravenus. "Now go touch his face."

"Ow!" said Cooper a couple of seconds later. "Fuck off, bird! Get out of my – Oh, what's this? Sweet!" A few grunts, rips, and swears later, "Almost there. I've almost got – Oh fuck!"

"Cooper?" said Julian.

The next sound was a crash, and then Cooper called out from below. "I'm okay!"

"Not for long, you aren't," said Dave.

"Huh?" said Cooper. "Oh shit."

"What's going on?" asked Julian.

"The spiders are back," said Dave. "They must have felt the vibrations from Cooper hitting the floor."

"Cooper can handle a few spiders," said Julian. He knew in his heart that it was only wishful thinking. He'd seen their numbers. Cooper might be able to take them all down, one at a time, but like this they'd overwhelm him in no time.

"Come on, man!" said Dave. "At least give it your best shot. What are you doing? Stand up and ready your axe!"

"Fuck that," said Cooper.

"What's he doing?" asked Diamond.

"He's just kneeling on the ground," said Dave, "The spiders are closing in all around him, and he's just rummaging around in his bag."

"Shit," said Tim.

"What is it?" said Julian.

"I held it as long as I could. I was hoping this web shit would be waterproof. It isn't. I just pissed in my face."

"Your friend is about to die down there," said Diamond. "I would think you'd be a little more concerned."

"Who the fuck are you?" said Tim.

Julian sighed. "That's Diamond."

"Sweet," said Tim. "Is she a stripper?"

The room lit up from below. Julian looked down. Holy shit that's a long drop. Cooper wielded a torch. The spiders, almost on top of him now, stopped dead in their tracks.

"Cooper!" cried Dave. "Stop! You don't know what you're doing!"

"Poor Man's Fireball!" said Cooper.

"What's wrong?" asked Julian.

Dave shook his head. "He knows exactly what he's doing. You might want to brace yourselves."

The spiders must have had a pretty good idea of Cooper's intentions. They started crawling over each other trying to scramble away from him.

"Not so fast, fuckers!" said Cooper. He dropped the torch at his feet.

Cooper went up in flames, standing at the epicenter of a wave of fire that spread along the webby floor well faster than those hairy bastards could ever hope to run. They crackled and popped like Rice Krispies as the flames spread up the walls.

And that's about the time that Julian caught the meaning of Dave's warning. "Oh shit! Ravenus, fly away!"

Ravenus squawked but did as he was bid. Julian watched helplessly as the flames curved up the round walls to where they would meet at the ceiling. This would not end well.

The one good thing Julian could say about being set on fire was that it freed his arms and legs to brace him for what would otherwise have been a deadly fall. Tim was alive, yelping and excitedly patting out the tiny fires on his now exposed chest hair. Dave's armor made him sound like a garbage truck collision when he hit the ground, but it appeared to have protected him from the fire.

Painful as it was, Julian was pleasantly surprised to find that he didn't seem to have broken anything during the fall. The only explanation was that game mechanics didn't account for broken bones. He was certain, however, that between the fire and the fall, he'd lost more than a few hit points. He rolled back and forth on the ground to make sure he wasn't still on fire like Cooper was.

Cooper walked among the dead and dying spiders, smashing his axe into any of the latter he found. His loincloth had almost completely burned away, displaying his leathery ass to an undeserving world. Flames still licked their way up, threatening to set the garment completely free.

"Hey Dave," said Cooper, putting out a hand. "You mind slapping me a Heal spell?"

"Yeah, no problem," said Dave, touching his hand to Cooper's. A spider took advantage of Cooper's distraction and rose to its feet behind him.

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "Behind you!"

"Oh my God that's refreshing," said Cooper. He farted, sending a jet of blue flame into the approaching spider's face. It's eight eyes melted down the sides of its horror-stricken face before the creature collapsed to the ground. Julian frowned. Nothing deserved to die like that.

"Excuse me," said Cooper.

"What the fuck, man!" said Tim. Whoever said there was no quick way to get sober had obviously not tried setting himself on fire.

"You okay, Tim?" asked Dave, offering him a hand to help him up.

Tim slapped his hand away. "I don't need your hand," he said, glaring at Cooper. "I need my fucking epidermis!"

"Don't be such a pussy," said Cooper. "It worked, didn't it? We're free and alive, and the spiders aren't."

"That's more than I can say for the kobolds," said Dave, poking through their charred remains. "Poor little bastards only get like four hit points or something like that. There's barely anything left of them."

"Wait!" said Julian. "Where's Diamond?" He scanned the room frantically for her, but the light from the burning spiders was beginning to fade quickly. "Diamond? Are you there? Are you okay?"

There was no answer.

"Dave, I fell here, and you fell over there. That means Diamond should have fallen somewhere around here," Julian said, pointing to the spot where he guessed Diamond should be. "Come over here and tell me if you see anything."

Dave stomped over. "There's nothing, dude," said Dave. "Sorry. Just dirt and ash."

"Relax, dude," said Cooper. "She's got to be somewhere. Maybe she snuck off for a piss or something."

"You killed her, you stupid bastard!" said Julian.

"Bullshit," said Cooper. "If she was dead, then there would be a body. Your mind's not right, because it's in your dick right now. She'll turn up."

"My mind is fine," said Julian. "Did you see the kobolds? There was barely anything of them left, because they only had four hit points. Diamond was a first level wizard! She might have had less than that."

"Fewer," said Tim.

"What?" said Julian.

"It's not less hit points," said Tim. "It's fewer. Just sayin'."

"Fuck you!" said Julian. "He just fucking disintegrated Diamond!"

"Who's Diamond?" asked Tim. "I'm sorry. I only just sobered up. Where are we?"

"Fuck all of you!" said Julian. "I'm out of here." He stomped off through the nearest exit he could find.

"You're going the wrong way," said Dave.

"How would you know?" said Julian. He neither looked back nor slowed his pace.

"That tunnel goes down," Dave continued. "If we're trying to reach the surface, we'd do better to go up. There's another tunnel that goes up from here."

Dave made a fair point, but Julian gave him the finger as he continued defiantly heading in the wrong direction.

"We need to go after him," said Tim. Julian's elf ears could hear their conversation from an impressive distance away.

"Cooper just burned his girlfriend alive," said Dave. "He's going to need some time."

"Hey fuck you, Dave," said Cooper. "How was I supposed to know she only had one hit point. She seemed pretty capable to me. I did the only thing I could think of. Considering my low Intelligence score, I'm pretty impressed with myself. I stand by my decision."

"No one's blaming you," said Dave. "But maybe you should apologize to Julian just the same."

"Yeah, okay."

"There's no way you killed all those spiders. Some of them will have escaped to report to the driders. We need to get moving before they come back."

And so of course the three assholes started following Julian down the wrong tunnel.

"If you don't mind me saying so, sir," said Ravenus, perched on Julian's shoulder. "You might be overreacting a bit."

"I mind," said Julian. "Dave's right. I need some time to myself to cool off."

"Yes, sir," said Ravenus. "Of course, sir. But might you address the small matter of us not being able to see?"

Julian huffed out a sigh. "Fine. Light." The end of his quarterstaff filled the small, descending corridor with light. As he expected, there wasn't anything here worth seeing. Just dirt, dirt, and more dirt. He had been content just to stumble along in the dark.

One point of interest was an opening coming up on the right, and a single giant spider crawling out of it. The spider faced Julian, standing high on its legs, filling the cramped corridor.

This was just the sort of thing Julian needed to settle his nerves. Something to beat the shit out of. He charged at the spider. It was obviously expecting a different reaction. It lowered its body a couple of inches and took a single step back.

Julian battle cried his first incantation. "Magic Missile!" He threw a glowing red ball of hate-magic at the confused arachnid, which exploded in its thorax. The spider shrieked in pain and took a desperate grab for Julian when he got into range. Julian shrugged off the spider leg and got down to engaging the beast the way he really wanted to... clubbing it repeatedly in the face. It fell on the second or third swing, but Julian kept bashing away until his club was flinging slimy spider guts all over the walls and diminishing the light from the spell.

"Feel better?" asked Dave.

"Huh?" Julian stopped beating the dead spider. "Oh, um... yeah, a little."

"I'm sorry I incinerated your girlfriend," said Cooper.

"It's okay," said Julian. "I know you didn't mean to. I don't think she was into me anyway. I wasn't getting that vibe, you know?"

"Hold on," said Tim. "How does that make it okay to incinerate a person?"

"Just let it go, dude," said Cooper. "Hey. What's in here?" He poked his head through the side passage. "Score! We found their treasure room!" Tim and Dave followed him inside.

"Ravenus," said Julian. "Stay here and keep your eyes open for driders."

"But I can't see, sir."

"Then listen. We won't be long."

Julian stepped inside the treasure room. Unlike the other chambers he'd been in down here, this room was cubical. For a treasure room, it wasn't very impressive. There were a few weapons lying around, but most of them were either broken, or rusted, or both. The room was littered with busted wooden crates, some of them covered with canvas sheets, spotted black and smelling of mold. One large and conspicuous chest sat against the back wall. It looked like the quintessential treasure chest from an old pirate movie.

Cooper opened the chest and frowned. "Empty." He reached inside, as if to confirm by touch what his eyes already told him.

"Something's coming," said Ravenus. "Put out your light!"

"Shit," said Dave. "What are we going to do?"

"We'll fight," said Cooper.

"You know we're no match for driders," said Dave. "They'll spray us down with web again before we get an Attack Roll."

"Hide!" said Julian. It wasn't a great plan, but it was as good as any at this point. He ducked behind some crates and pulled a sheet of canvas over his head. His friends did likewise. They waited in perfect silence, broken only once by a squeaky fart. Poor Dave. He was hiding under the same canvas as Cooper.

A minute later, the patter of what Julian guessed was sixteen giant legs sounded just outside the entrance of the room.

A female voice gasped. "My jewels!" Julian knew the voice. It was Lidia, the female drider.

"My weapons!" cried Reginald. The great treasure chest creaked open. "My gold! All of it gone!"

"And what's that smell?"

"Those little savages will pay for their transgressions!"

"It's not enough that they murder our children," said Lidia. Her voice had a slight sniffle to it. "They had to go and rob us as well!"

"Come on guys," said a voice from outside that Julian wasn't expecting to hear. It was his own voice, or at least a very poor imitation of it. "I found some more spiders over here. Maybe we can rape them before we kill them this time!"

"My babies!" cried Lidia.

"Those fiends!" said Reginald. "Come, sweet wife. They aren't far. They won't escape us again!"

Their giant spider feet rushed out of the room. Julian pulled the tarp off of his head. The air in the room was thick with fart.

Dave inhaled deeply.

"Come on!" said Julian. "Ravenus just bought us a little time. We have to get out of here."

Cooper led the way back to the storage chamber. Julian and Tim, who couldn't see in the dark, stumbled along behind him as best they could, while Dave took up the rear.

Julian knew they had arrived when he tripped over the corpse of a dead giant spider. "Dave, didn't you say there was a passage leading up?"

"Yeah," said Dave. "It's right up there. I don't know how we're supposed to get to it though."

"Cooper," said Julian. "Can you take Tim's rope and climb the wall?"

"I don't think so," said Cooper. "The walls are curved. I'd only be able to make it halfway up."

"Damn," said Julian.

"I've got it," said Tim. "We'll pile up spider corpses and climb up those."

"First of all, ew," said Julian. "Secondly, we don't have that kind of time."

"Tim," said Cooper. "Get your rope. I've got an idea."

Tim dug blindly through his bag for a moment. "Here."

"No, that's okay," said Cooper. "Just hold this end."

"What?" said Tim. "Hey, put me down! Aaaaahh! Ow! Fuck!" There was a brief pause, and then a thud on the ground. "Ow."

"Shit," said Cooper. "I missed. Sorry."

"No!" said Tim. "Not again!"

"Second time's the charm," said Cooper.

"Aaaaaaaahhh!" said Tim. There was no thud this time. Tim had apparently arrived at his destination.

"Okay, Julian," said Cooper. "Your turn."

"What?" said Julian, backing away from Cooper's voice. "Why?"

"Tim can't support my weight by himself." Cooper's voice grew closer with every word. It was pointless to resist. "Don't be such a baby."

Two giant half-orc hands grabbed his upper arms and picked him up. Julian's body swung backward, and then swiftly forward... and up. He sailed through the darkness, flailing his arms for purchase. His upper body landed in an upward-sloping passage and immediately started to slide out of it. Tim caught his arm, and he managed to scramble up to safety.

"Dave's too heavy for me to throw," said Cooper. "I'm coming up the rope. You two hold it. Ready?"

Julian and Tim wrapped the rope around their wrists and dug their heels into the earthen walls of the tunnel.

"Ready," said Tim.

Cooper started up the rope, and Julian felt like his arms were going to be pulled off. He and Tim groaned but held their ground. When Cooper reached the passage, the pressure on Julian's wrist let up. He and Tim exhaled.

"Dave," said Cooper. "Your turn. Tie the rope around your waist.

"A little light please?" said Ravenus, somewhere below them.

"Light!" said Julian. There wasn't much point in hiding now. "Ravenus, we're up here!"

Ravenus flew up into the passage. "I'm sorry, sir. I distracted them as long as I could, but they're coming back."

"You were brilliant, Ravenus," said Julian.

"Dave, you fat fuck!" said Cooper. "Are you ready yet?"

"Ready!" Dave called back. "Pull!"

Tim and Julian hurried up the passage, with Cooper dragging Dave behind them.

"There's a light up ahead!" said Tim.

Julian shielded the light from his staff and looked up the passage. Tim was right. It was tiny and distant, but it was there. The way out. Their salvation.

"There!" shouted Reginald. Julian could imagine the driders' point of view, looking up at Dave's big dwarf ass struggling into the passage.

Damn. They'd put forth a good effort, but it was done. The driders could climb the walls as effortlessly and quickly as if they were walking on the ground. There was no way Julian and his friends would make it out of the drider lair before they were caught.

Cooper rushed past Julian. "Come on, jackass! They're gaining on us!"

"What's the point?" said Julian. "We've lost. We're out of options. I'll just fire a Magic Missile at them as a final fuck you before we die."

Cooper stopped and looked at Julian. "There are always options. You know what you have to do." Then he turned and continued up the passage.

"What kind of cryptic bullshit was that?" Julian called after him.

Dave squeezed his way past Julian. "Whatever you've got planned, better do it quick."

"But I don't have anything planned!" Julian cried. "What do I have to..." Then it hit him. It was obvious. He'd do the same thing he always did. He looked down the passage just as Reginald started to crawl into it.

"You die first, elf!" said Reginald. His white eyes looked pissed off. He only had just enough room to squeeze his abdomen under his legs and point his spidery ass at Julian.

"Horse!" Julian shouted, just in time for a very surprised-looking horse to catch an assful of web. The poor animal didn't even have room to stand up properly.

"What's this?" demanded Reginald.

The terrified horse whinnied.

"Bwaaaaaaaaaagghh!" shouted Reginald. Lidia joined in half a second later. It was an extended shout which ended abruptly. It translated to "I just got kicked by a horse and fell a long distance to the ground."

"Sorry, friend," Julian said to the magical horse. "But well done." He turned around. "Let's go!" But his friends were well ahead of him. They were nearly to the end of the tunnel, where it widened to about ten feet wide, when Julian heard the horse scream, which ended very quickly. "Hurry up, guys!"

"Wait!" said Tim just before they entered the sweet sweet light of the sun.

"Are you crazy?" said Dave. "They're right behind us!"

Tim got down on his knees and ran a finger along an almost invisible thread. "It's a trap."

"Well thanks for that, Admiral Ackbar," said Cooper. "But I'll take my chances."

"No," said Tim. "The driders must have rigged the exit, but I think we can bypass it if we stay close to the left wall."

The four of them inched their way outside, backs against the wall.

"We did it!" said Julian. "We're free!"

"Wait a second," said Dave. "Is there any rule that says driders can't go outside their lair?"

"Shit," said Tim. "Julian, do you have any more Mount spells left?"

"Just one," said Julian.

"Run!" said Dave. He took off as fast as his thick little legs would carry him. Not nearly fast enough.

"They're hurt," said Julian. "We might not stand much of a chance, but let's see if we can't take at least one of those fuckers down."

"I'm with you," said Cooper, holding his axe ready.

Tim loaded his crossbow. "I'm with you, too," he said. "But I'm going to hide behind this tree."

"Okay," said Julian.

"It's for the Sneak Attack Bonus," Tim explained.

"Okay," Julian repeated. "Seriously, it's fine."

A few seconds later, Reginald was visible, approaching the opening of the tunnel. When the tunnel got wide enough, Lidia took her place beside her husband, running on their monstrous arachnid legs toward Julian, Cooper, and Dave, who had apparently had a change of heart.

Julian took a deep breath to steady his resolve. His grip on his quarterstaff was slick with sweat as he pointed it at Reginald. "Magic Missile." A white bolt of energy flew out of the staff, striking the drider in the chest. Whether or not he even noticed it was anybody's guess. It certainly didn't slow him down.

"Well shit," said Cooper. That summed up their situation pretty eloquently. They had used up all their tricks and all their luck. It was time to admit that they were way out of their league, and now they were going to –

Click. Twang. Swoosh. Thwack. A barrage of swords, spears, daggers, and javelins sprang from the ground surrounding the cave entrance. They were rigged on a series of ropes, strings, and bent trees. The driders were skewered from all sides.

"My weapons!" groaned Reginald.

The tip of a bolt sprouted out the front of Lidia's throat. Another from Reginald's left eye. Their bodies went limp and they shat out white blobs of web.

"'The fuck just happened?" asked Cooper. Then he farted. It was even more pungent than usual.

"Jesus, Cooper!" said Dave. He and Julian stepped away from Cooper.

"Sorry guys," said Cooper. "That one may have been more liquid than gas." He reached down the front of what barely qualified as a loincloth anymore, and pulled out a piece of paper.

"What's that?" said Julian. "Where did you get it?"

"I found it in the treasure chest," said Cooper. "I took it to wipe with."

"Why didn't you show that to the rest of us?" demanded Julian.

"I didn't think it was important. There's nothing on it but some meaningless scribble."

"That's because you're illiterate, stupid!" He snatched the paper out of Cooper's hand.

"Words can cut too, you know."

Julian spread the paper against the trunk of a tree, flattening out the wrinkles, and smearing brown streaks that he was pretty sure had been contributed by Cooper. "It's a letter." His heart skipped a beat. "It's a letter to me!"

"What?" said Tim. "What does it say?"

Julian cleared his throat and read the letter aloud.

Dear Julian,

If you're reading this letter, then that means you're alive, and that's a good thing. It also means you're heading in the wrong direction. The surface is up, silly.

I've got to hand it to you, you were right. You'll be happy to know that, somehow or another, I've mastered the Invisibility spell. It came in very handy for stealing the driders' treasure and sneaking past them. So I'd like to thank you for that, and for a wonderful adventure. You really know how to show a girl a good time.

I regret having to tell you that I'm not in the market for a romantic relationship at present. You're a lovely elf with a big heart, and there's a more deserving female elf that I'm sure you'll make very happy one day. Please respect my privacy and do not try to look for me. We wouldn't want things to get awkward, would we?

Know that I'll treasure the memory of today, and I'll never forget you.

Sincerely,

D.


P.S.

Julian paused to glare up at Cooper.

"What?" said Cooper.

Julian continued reading.

P.S. When I find a way out of here, I'm going to set a trap with some weapons I found. Keep to the left against the wall and you can avoid getting stabbed to death.

"Oh shit," said Cooper. "Sorry."

P.P.S. Apologize to the dwarf for me. He was just too much fun to pick on. He's so cute when he gets flustered.

"Well that's nice," said Dave, his face flushing red.

Julian lowered the letter. "There's a heart and a smiley face."

"Um..." said Cooper. "She's alive at least. That's good news, right? She must be more than just a first level wizardess."

"I couldn't rig a trap like that," said Tim. "She must have a few levels of rogue in her."

Julian crumpled the paper in his fist. "What a fucking bitch! I wish you had incinerated her."

"You don't mean that," said Tim. "That's just your broken heart talking."

"I bet her name's not even really Diamond."

Cooper slapped a hand on Julian's shoulder. "It never is, friend. It never is."

⁂

[ Clerical Error ]

The goblins attacked suddenly and with the ferocity of religious fanatics, most wielding morningstars, but Dave estimated that about a quarter of them favored short swords. Some of the latter were even armed with a dagger in their off hand. None of them carried shields. Those who only carried one weapon gripped the handles with both hands, adding to the savagery of their attacks.

"Watch out!" Tim had said when they sprung their ambush, but his warning did the rest of the group little good, as all of the goblins seemed hell-bent on Tim. Cooper had sliced one in half through the abdomen as it attempted to rush past him on its way to Tim, but Tim was still surrounded by six other goblins with a few more impatiently waiting to get into the melee.

Tim was fascinating to watch in close combat; he fought like a breakdancing knife-fighter, ducking and dodging blades and spiky maces while swiping and jabbing with his own little dagger. Give Tim a few more levels, and Dave might have been tempted to just sit back and enjoy the show. But as quickly and deftly as Tim moved, some of the goblins' attacks connected, and for every goblin Tim dropped, another was ready to take its place.

Dave brought the heavy, steel ball at the end of his mace down on the head of a goblin, introducing its brain to its heart.

Julian didn't waste any of his magic on goblins. His quarterstaff could drop them as well as a Magic Missile could, and he hadn't yet learned any offensive area-of-effect spells. Ravenus did his part by scratching and pecking the goblins' eyes out. Most of the little bastards had so few Hit Points that the combined efforts of a bird and an elf wielding a stick were enough to bring them down.

Cooper, of course, was the most effective at goblin butchery. His greataxe sliced through goblins at nearly twice the rate anyone else was able to manage. He carved a path of carnage toward Tim.

When Tim finally got an opening, he bolted, diving under Cooper's legs. He had done a miraculous job of avoiding goblin swords and morningstars, but he was still in pretty bad shape. His right eye was swollen shut, his clothes were riddled with shallow puncture wounds, clinging to his body with blood and sweat, and when he stood back up, he strongly favored his left leg.

Their preferred target out of reach, some of the remaining goblins began to hack and club whoever was nearest them. Most, however, tried to work their way around or through the group.

"What the hell have these guys got against Tim?" asked Dave, crushing a goblin's chest against a tree trunk.

"Julian and I will handle the rest of them," said Cooper. He kicked one goblin backwards into the air. Its head connected with a low tree branch, sending it into an impressive forward somersault before it landed face first on the ground. "Just go heal Tim!"

Dave stepped back from the fight. He reached his left arm out to Tim, who grabbed it with both of his little hands like it was a life-saving rope.

"I heal thee," said Dave.

Tim closed his good eye and smiled, waiting for the healing magic to course through his body. Dave watched Tim's face. It was always satisfying to see the wounds close up, the swelling go down, fractured bones realign. The satisfied sigh would be reward enough for the help he could provide his friend.

No sigh came. No wounds closed up. Tim's smile faded to a frown. "Um… Dave?"

"Hmm," said Dave. "That's weird. Let me try again." He placed both hands firmly on either side of Tim's face. "I heal thee!"

Nothing happened.

Dave pressed more firmly on Tim's face, squishing his cheeks and lips. "I HEAL THEE!"

"Dude," said Tim through his squished-up, bleeding mouth. "That fucking hurts."

"What's the hold up?" asked Cooper. The din of combat had subsided. "You think you guys could stop making out for a minute and help us loot these bodies?"

"I don't know what's wrong," said Dave. He released his grip on Tim's face. "This has never happened to me before."

Tim spat some blood on the ground. "It's okay, big guy. It happens to all of us every now and again. I won't judge." He started limping toward Cooper and Julian. "These guys have any cash?"

"Not a single fucking copper piece between them so far," said Cooper. "We might be able to sell some of these weapons though." He shoved three goblin-sized morningstars into his bag. They looked like toys in Cooper's giant hands.

"We should come away with a bunch of Experience Points from that though," said Julian. "Right?"

Cooper shrugged. "They were just goblins."

"But there were like a gazillion of them!"

"Thirty," said Tim, surveying the carnage. "Forty tops. We'll get a little something, but don't expect to level up or anything."

"Why do you think they were so focused on you?"

"Who knows?" said Tim, kicking a goblin corpse with his right foot. He winced in pain. "It's a common enough tactic to gang up on the littlest guy first, and work your way up from there." He put his hand on a tree trunk to keep from falling over.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" asked Cooper. "Dave was supposed to patch you up."

"Yeah," said Tim. "Only his magic didn't work."

"Holy shit," said Cooper. "I didn't think it was possible."

"What?" said Julian. "What is it?"

"Dave became more useless."

Dave just gave Cooper a stubby middle finger, and then bent down to pick up a goblin short sword. The stillness of the late afternoon air was pierced by a wolf's howl.

Everyone turned westward at once. Two wolves, about halfway between the size of a regular wolf and that of a horse, stood atop a ledge, silhouetted against the grey sky. Mounted on the back of each wolf was a goblin rider. The one on the left was dressed in a loose-fitting gown of roughspun wool. The rider on the right, wearing black plate armor, bore a standard. Dave immediately recognized the symbol on the wind-torn, black banner. He'd seen it in a book he'd recently borrowed from the Cardinian public library. The red skull of OuiJas, the goddess of Death, the favored deity of necromancers.

"Guys," said Dave. "I'm not so sure this encounter is over."

"Sure it is," said Cooper. "Those two just showed up. Julian, make some horses."

"Bullshit," said Tim, loading a bolt into his crossbow. "You know they've been up there the whole time as well as I do."

"What difference does any of this make?" said Julian.

"If they were involved in the attack," said Dave. "then they count as part of the encounter."

"So what?"

"So if we run away now, we don't get any Experience Points."

"Well shit," said Julian.

"It's just two more goblins and a couple of dogs," said Tim. "We can take them." The words slurred out of his mouth with a helping of bloody drool.

"No way," said Dave. "It's too risky, especially with my healing on the fritz."

"I could Magic Missile them from here," said Julian. "But then I wouldn't have enough Level 1 spells to get us out of here if we did have to run."

"Sorry, Fucko," said Cooper. "I have to agree with Shithead on this one."

"Do you always have to be such an asshole?" said Dave.

"What?" said Cooper. "I said I agreed with you."

The goblin in the roughspun gown raised his arms and began chanting.

"Well you losers can stay here and jerk each other off," said Tim. "That just leaves more Experience Points for – JESUS!" One of the dead goblins had grabbed him by the ankle.

"I don't get it," said Julian. "What does Jesus need with Exper—"

"Julian!" shouted Cooper. "Horses! Now!" He chopped the undead goblin's head in half. It released Tim's leg. But two more goblin zombies attacked Cooper from behind.

"Horse!" said Julian. A sturdy, brown draft horse appeared next to him. One of the goblin zombies shambling toward Julian unwisely passed behind the horse. It received a hoof to the chest and a free ticket to twenty feet away.

Tim fired a bolt point-blank into a zombie's face, dropping it instantly. He scurried up the trunk of a nearby tree like a frightened squirrel.

"Goddamn!" said Cooper. "These little fuckers really pack a punch when they're dead. He had four undead goblins clawing, biting, and punching him.

Dave would have tried to help, but he had three zombies closing in on him to deal with. He remembered the holy symbol he wore on a string around his neck. If he could turn a few of them, he'd be able to help Cooper. He brandished the holy symbol at two of the zombies coming at him. "Go away!"

One zombie grabbed his outstretched arm and bit into his leopard-fur-covered forearm. Yellow, pointed teeth pierced through skin and muscle, all the way to the bone. It seared like a red hot bear trap. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes. The other zombie punched his breastplate, probably doing more damage to its hand than it did to Dave. He backhanded the punching zombie and ripped his arm free from the biting zombie. That was at least as painful as the actual bite had been.

"Horse!" Julian cried a second time, circling around the first horse to avoid the zombie that was chasing him. A white horse appeared, a bit taller and leaner than the first one. It was time to go.

Dave held his mace low and swung it upward, catching the bitey zombie in the chin. The whole lower half of its face was a smashed mess of blood and bone. It wouldn't be biting anyone ever again, but it didn't seem to mind.

"I'm really angry!" Cooper shouted. His Barbarian Rage kicked in, and his fat and flabby skin grew tight, bulging with expanded muscles. He dropped his axe, reached behind his shoulders, and tore two of the clinging zombies off of his back. These he swung around to beat other zombies with.

Fight fire with fire, Dave supposed. But the undead goblins were still getting punches in here and there. Even with his temporary bonus to Strength and Constitution, Cooper wouldn't be able to take them all down. "Come on, Cooper! Let's go!" Dave's concern for Cooper was not entirely unselfish. He needed Cooper's great strength to help him get his squat, heavy dwarf body onto the back of a horse.

Cooper whirled around with a thunderous roar and bloodshot, red eyes. He threw a zombie at Dave. It wasn't exactly in the strike zone, but the target was considerably larger than a baseball and Dave already had his mace ready. He swung it as hard as he could with both hands. The head of his mace struck between the flying zombie's legs. When it hit the ground, it didn't get back up.

"Foul balls," said Dave.

Cooper grunted. It almost sounded like a laugh. He gripped the remaining zombie below the chin and above the chest, and strained briefly until its head was separated from its body, a good six inches of spinal cord dangling from it.

"Come on!" shouted Julian. He and Tim were already mounted on each of the horses and ready to ride.

Cooper kicked one more zombie out of his way and made for the horses. He lifted Dave onto the back of Julian's horse, and hopped onto the back of Tim's horse.

"Yah!" cried Tim. His horse didn't respond.

"Go, horses!" said Julian. The horses bolted forward simultaneously. As they retreated, Cooper shrunk down to his natural, still-impressive girth. His rock-solid abs melted back into a pot belly, and his pectoral muscles sagged back into man-tits.

Dwarves weren't made to ride horses. Their legs were too short to reach down into stirrups, and their thick, dense bodies made the whole galloping unit top-heavy. Maybe they'd do okay in a customized dwarven saddle, but one thing was for sure. Dwarves were certainly never meant to ride bareback on the rear end of a horse while clinging to an elf at top speed through a forest while being chased by goblin zombies. Dave barely lasted a minute.

Julian shouted something that Dave couldn't quite make out over the rush of the wind and the pounding of hooves on earth. It sounded like "Fuck!", but he wasn't sure. It could just as easily have been –

Julian dipped his head down, and Dave caught a low-hanging pine branch right in the face.