"I was thinking," said Julian.

"Well maybe you should stop," said Tim, stomping through the woods ahead of the group. Whatever was on Julian's mind, he was sure he didn't want to hear about it.

"Maybe we could take up trades," said Julian. "You could be a tailor's apprentice or something. You've got nimble fingers. With Cooper's strength, he could train to be a blacksmith. Dave could probably find something to do in the clergy. And with my high Charisma score, I could… I don't know… tend bar or something."

Tim slashed through the underbrush with his shortsword as he marched forward. "I've had it with honest work. Back in the real world, all it ever did was slow my descent into debt. Here in this stupid game, it only ever gets me into trouble."

"How much trouble could you get into being a tailor's apprentice?"

That was it. Tim stopped and turned around. "I –" He got a faceful of filthy half-orc loincloth and fell on his ass.

"Oh shit," said Cooper. "Sorry. You shouldn't have stopped so suddenly."

Tim sat on the ground and spat repeatedly, trying to get the taste of sweat, shit, and HOBO (half-orc body odor) out of his mouth. He scrambled through his backpack until he found his emergency hip flask full of stonepiss. The emergency it was normally reserved for was the necessity to get extremely fucked up in an extremely short amount of time. This emergency, however, had less to do with getting fucked up, and more to do with getting the taste of Cooper out of his mouth. He gargled the stonepiss and spat it out. It worked insofar as his tongue was now completely numb to taste.

"Are you okay?" asked Julian.

"I didn't start playing Caverns and Creatures to be a tailor's apprentice," said Tim. "And we'll never get back home if we don't start making some real money."

"What if going back home isn't an option?"

"So what if it isn't?" said Tim. "Do you think I want to spend the rest of my fake life sewing fucking pantaloons for rich assholes?"

"I don't –"

"And Cooper," Tim continued. "Do you want to be a blacksmith's apprentice, pounding the shit out of metal with a hammer in the blazing heat of a forge?"

"I dunno," said Cooper. "It sounds kind of cool."

"Dave," said Tim. "You're an atheist. How do you feel about getting a job in the clergy?"

"If I can learn more powerful spells, it actually sounds kinda neat."

Tim closed his eyes, trying to shake off the small buzz the stonepiss had given him. He looked up at Julian. "And I suppose you think tending bar is a nonstop party, right? What are you, seventeen?"

"I'm twenty-two," said Julian.

Tim got to his feet. "Well let me tell you something. I've tended bar. It's no party. Back home, what's the worst that could happen? You say 'I'm sorry, Mr. Ratcliffe. Some of the other customers are complaining. Please keep your voice down, or I'm going to have to cut you off.' Maybe you'll get a little attitude. If the shit gets too thick, you call the police in. What do you think will happen here when you say 'I'm sorry, Mr. Scarfang. Would you please stop raping the barmaid. She has a full shift ahead of her.' I'll tell you what will happen. You'll get a fucking axe to the face, that's what."

"It's still less dangerous than this," said Dave. "I mean, what are we doing out here? We're just wandering through the woods looking for a fight."

"That's right," said Tim. "If we're ever going to get home, we're either going to need a shitload of money to pay some wizard to teleport us back there, or we're going to need Julian to level up enough to do the job himself."

Julian looked at Tim with sad eyes. "But –"

"I know," said Tim. "But what if none of that works? Well fuck it. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life in a fantasy world, then I'm going to live a fantasy fucking life. I want levels, gold, whores, whatever passes for the good life here. And we all know the best way to get it."

"Killing monsters," said Dave.

"That's right," said Tim. "Julian. Call your bird and see if he's spotted anything."

Julian inserted two fingers into his mouth and let out a long, loud whistle. "Ravenus!"

"Here I am, sir," said Ravenus, flapping down from behind them. He landed on a low-hanging branch of a nearby oak tree.

"Ask him if he's seen anything," said Tim.

"Why don't you ask him yourself?" said Julian. "You speak Elven."

"Because I'm in a lousy fucking mood. Forcing myself to speak in a British accent is only going to make it worse."

Julian sighed and looked up at Ravenus. "Did you see anything?"

"There's a lovely oak grove about half a mile northeast of here."

"Monsters, you stupid bird!" said Tim. "Did you see any monsters?"

Ravenus cocked his head sideways, looking at Tim. "I beg your pardon?"

"Jesus Christ," said Tim. He repeated the question in Dick Van Dyke Cockney.

"Oh, no. No monsters at all. The forest is calm and quiet."

"The oak grove sounds nice," said Dave. "Maybe we could break for lunch."

"I am getting hungry," agreed Julian.

"I just shat out a log as big as Tim," said Cooper. "I could eat."

"Fine," said Tim. He looked up at Ravenus. "Lead the way."

"Come again?" said Ravenus.

Tim gave him the finger.

"Well that was uncalled for."

"Could you lead us to the oak grove?" asked Julian.

"Very good, sir! Follow me!" Ravenus flew from tree to tree, waiting for the others to catch up.

Tim knew where they were headed from a hundred feet away. He spotted a clearing through the trees, bathed in golden sunlight, as if the sun itself favored this particular patch of land above all others.

As they walked closer, Tim heard the playful twitter of birds. He'd been quite content to remain bitter and sullen all day, but the closer he got to the grove, the more his spirits lifted, even against his will.

"This place is beautiful," said Julian, stepping onto the fluffy carpet of grass which separated the grove from the rest of the forest.

When Tim stepped onto the grass, it was as if all of his worry, stress, and frustration were absorbed into the earth through his bare feet. The void left in their place was filled with the warmth of the sun and the freshness of the air. "I never want to leave."

The air was alive with butterflies and dandelion tufts. Eight oak trees provided a roughly octagonal border around the grove, but the tree at the center was a truly impressive specimen. It was wide enough at the base that, if all four of them surrounded it, they might be able to join hands, but only just. Its huge bottom branches drooped gently down to the ground before curving back up again. Tim reckoned he could be twenty feet high in the tree without even using his hands.

A dozen or more species of bird fluttered among the higher branches, each singing a distinct song, but all contributing to a greater chorus of good cheer. Ravenus disappeared into the treetop to join them. Squirrels chased one another up and down the mighty trunk without a care in the world.

Julian spread a blanket on the ground, and began setting out the lunch boxes he had prepared. Dave unbuckled his breastplate and backpiece, and lay on his bare back in the soft grass.

Cooper lifted the front of his loincloth to have a piss on the great oak. After he finished watering the tree, he pulled a dagger out from the sheath he had strapped to his leg and began scraping it against the trunk.

"What are you doing?" Julian asked Cooer.

Cooper giggled like an idiot as he carved into the tree trunk. "I'm drawing a picture. Hey, how do you spell Dave?"

"What difference does it make?" asked Julian. "You don't know how to write."

"You make a fair point."

"How's that supposed to be Dave? It looks like a giant flaccid penis with a beard to me."

"Who are you to question my art?" asked Cooper. "This is my interpretation of Dave."

A chill breeze blew through the air, and the sunlight was temporarily obscured by shadow. Cooper's carving began to bleed dark orange sap.

"Awesome," said Cooper. "It looks like he's puking up infected jizz."

"Not awesome," said Julian. "Something's wrong."

"Who are you?" said a female voice.

Tim turned toward the voice. A woman sat in one of the lower branches of the great oak. She was tall and slender, with long, pointed ears, like Julian. Unlike Julian, however, she was stark raving naked. She had dark skin, somewhere between tanned white woman and Halle Berry. Her hair was green like the underside of a leaf. Tim assumed that was its natural color, as the carpet matched the drapes. Her breasts were like songs sung by angels. They defied gravity. They were like the effect of a Wonderbra without all the pesky fabric. So mesmerized was he that he could scarcely follow the rest of the conversation.

Dave and Cooper stared unblinkingly at the woman, mouths hanging open. They were obviously under the same trance that Tim was caught in. The only one who seemed to be functioning normally was Julian.

"I'm Julian," said Julian.

"What business do you have in my grove?" said the naked green-haired woman in the tree. "What is it you want?"

A long, thick line of drool spilled out of Cooper's open mouth. "I want to put my ding-dong in your hoo-ha."

Julian looked up at Cooper's face. "What the fuck does that even –"

Without taking his eyes off the woman, Cooper punched Julian lightly on the head. "Dude, mind your language. There's a lady present. Try to show a little class, huh?" His hand, as if acting on its own will, began to creep under his loincloth.

"Enough!" said the woman. She smiled and batted her long, green eyelashes.

Tim was suddenly out of his trance, but engulfed in darkness. "What's going on?"

"I can't see anything!" Dave called out.

"Oh my god!" cried Cooper. "Sister Mary Francis was right!"

"What have you done to my friends?" asked Julian.

"They were blinded by my beauty," said the woman. "And yet you were not. How interesting."

"I have a bonus against enchantment spells and effects," said Julian. "It's because I'm an elf."

"It's because you're a fag," said Cooper. "Ow! Hey man, it's not cool to hit a blind man."

"Which one of you defiled my tree?" asked the woman.

"Cooper," said Tim, Julian, and Dave simultaneously.

"You guys are dicks," said Cooper. "We don't even know what she means by defiled. She might be referring to pissing on the tree or she might be referring to carving a picture of a dick onto the trunk."

"You did both of those things," said Julian.

"Fuck."

Suddenly, Tim could see again. Light flowed into his eyes, warm and gentle. He looked around.

Dave rubbed his own eyes, and then opened them wide. His smile shone through his bushy auburn beard. "Ha ha!" he cried. "I can see again!"

"Me too!" said Tim.

"Thank you ma'am," said Dave to the tree woman. "I'm really sorry we've offended you. It won't –"

"I still can't see shit," said Cooper.

Tim turned from Cooper to the… "I'm sorry, miss. What are you exactly? A dryad?"

The woman let out a chirpy laugh, like the twitter of birds. "Heavens no, child. I'm a nymph."

"Why is it that my friend still can't see?"

"He must be punished, for he has shed the blood of the Life Tree."

"Will I be like this forever?" asked Cooper.

The nymph laughed her chipper laugh again. "Of course not, my child."

"Thank fuck."

"I expect that you will eventually grow old and die." Again with the laugh.

"You think that's funny, you skanky tree bitch?" Cooper walked unsteadily toward the sound of her voice. "You just keep right on laughing." He reached for the greataxe strapped to his back.

"Sorry, Coop," said Julian. He whacked him in the shins with his quarterstaff.

"Son of a mother fucker!" cried Cooper, collapsing on the soft grass.

"Miss Nymph," said Julian. "Surely there can be something we can do to make amends for our friend's transgressions."

"Amends," said the nymph thoughtfully, nibbling on her lower lip. "Let me think… hmmm…." Her eyes flashed wide. "I've got just the thing."

"Before you go on," said Dave, "I feel it's fair to warn you that there is a limit on how much we value Cooper's eyesight."

"Fuck you, Dave."

"Shut up, guys," said Julian. "Let her talk. Please, ma'am. State what you'd have us do."

"Not far from here is a stream running north to south," said the nymph. "If you listen, you can hear it from here."

"I can hear it," said Julian. "Would you like us to fetch water for your grove?"

The nymph laughed. "No, child. The Life Tree's roots spread far and wide. We have all the water we need. The stream flows north and slightly to the east. About a mile upstream, there is a small cave. My little birdies tell me a group of seven hobgoblins have recently taken an interest in the cave."

"What's a hobgoblin?" asked Julian.

"They're related to goblins," said Tim. "Only they're bigger, stronger, and hairier."

"They are an evil race," said the nymph. "They have no respect for the forest. I cannot risk them discovering this grove. I need you to destroy them."

Julian frowned. "That seems like kind of a severe solution to your problem."

"And if they're such a threat," said Tim, "why haven't you gone and taken care of them yourself? You're what? Like a Challenge Rating 7 Monster, aren't you?"

"I beg your pardon?" said the nymph, her tone a mix of confusion and contempt.

"Sorry," said Tim. "That came out wrong. What I meant to say is that you're very powerful. A few hobgoblins are nothing to you. You could deal with them as easily as if you were swatting flies."

"Your words are true, little halfling," said the nymph. "They are no real threat to me. Not in such small numbers anyway. But you require a quest to make amends, do you not?"

"I don't suppose we could get by with a sincere apology?" offered Julian.

The nymph laughed her chirpy, high-pitched laugh. "You are a cute one, young elf. I'm afraid I will require something more amusing. As beautiful as this grove is, there is precious little in the way of entertainment."

"You want us to commit murder for your amusement?" said Julian. "I won't do it. There has to be a line somewhere. If you have a problem with hobgoblins in the vicinity, there are other ways to handle it. Diplomatic ways."

"Do you think you can talk them into leaving?" asked the nymph. She smiled slowly. Tim thought he could almost see the wheels turning behind those bright green eyes. "I'll tell you what. You may try it your way first. But you alone, young elf, must do the talking."

"That's not a problem," said Julian. "I am accustomed to acting as the face of the party."

"And an adorable face it is," said the nymph. "If, for whatever reason, you fail to persuade them to leave, I require you to return here with their heads."

"Their heads?" said Dave.

"If you return with seven hobgoblin heads, I shall restore your friend's sight."

"Wait, what?" said Cooper. "You're sending me out there blind? How the fuck am I supposed to fight hobgoblins without my eyes?"

"I recommend you use your axe," said the nymph. "Return with less than seven heads, and I'll blind the rest of you as well. Now be gone!" There was no mirthful laugh this time. Even the birds in the Life Tree fell silent as she raised her hands to the sky.

The temperature dropped as a black cloud swirled into existence above the grove. It crackled with electricity.

"What's going on?" asked Ravenus, flying down from the Life Tree. "What happened?" He let out a loud caw when a small bolt of lightning struck the ground next to him and Julian.

"Okay," said Tim. "We're going!" He ran as fast as he could out of the grove. Julian, with his longer, more slender legs, beat him to the edge.

From the relative safety of the forest outside the nymph's grove, Tim watched Dave waddle toward him.

Cooper ran in an entirely different direction as the nymph called small bolts of lightning down, not quite on him, but near enough so that he could feel they were there. Every time he was nearly struck, he changed direction, zig-zagging his way out of the grove. He ran face-first into one of the smaller oaks marking the border and fell on his ass.

The nymph laughed and the birds resumed their treetop chatter as Cooper crawled past the grassy border.

"She really cranked up the bitch knob toward the end there," said Tim as he, Julian and Dave circled the perimeter of the grove to find Cooper.

"She was getting bored with us," said Dave.

"How do you know?" asked Julian.

"My high Wisdom score sometimes allows me certain insights into people's behavior. Maybe it's an untrained Sense Motive check. I don't know. Anyway, you heard her yourself. She seeks to be entertained. She toyed with us, like a cat plays with a mouse, until it just wasn't fun for her anymore. Then, instead of eating us, or whatever –"

"I think this is where your cat analogy breaks down," said Tim. "We get it."

"Right," said Dave. "She sent us to go find new toys for her to play with."

"Gobstopper heads?" said Julian.

"Hobgoblin," said Tim.

"Tim?" Cooper called out. He was sitting against a tree, his head facing in their general direction.

"We're coming," said Tim. "Stay there."

"Are you okay?" asked Julian as they got closer.

"My head hurts," said Cooper. His right eyebrow was bleeding and dirty with tree bark.

"You hit that tree pretty hard," said Tim. "Dave, patch him up, will you?"

"We may have a fight coming up," said Dave. "Are you sure we should be using up my Heal spells already?"

"Jesus, Dave," said Tim. "Just give him a Level Zero heal, huh? Something to take the edge off. He just slammed his face into a fucking tree."

"Sorry," said Dave. "I'm just trying to think ahead." He touched Cooper's forehead. "I heal thee."

The cut sealed itself up, and Julian wiped the spilled blood out of Cooper's useless eye.

"What's the plan?" said Cooper.

"It would make the most sense to have Ravenus scout the area first," said Tim. "If we can catch one or two of them alone, then we stand a better chance of taking them down at minimal risk to ourselves."

"What happened to Diplomacy?" said Julian.

Tim and Dave exchanged a quick glance.

"Listen," said Dave. "I know you're new to all this, but we've been playing this game for a long time. You can't settle every problem that comes your way by talking. Most of the time, violence is the best answer. No loose ends. No future betrayals. Just nice and simple."

"What loose ends or future betrayals?" asked Julian. "These Hip-hoppins –"

"Hobgoblins," said Tim.

"Whatever. They haven't done anything to us. We're going out to murder them for the amusement of some sadistic magical hippie. What harm could it do to talk to them first?"

Dave scratched under his beard. "What if they only say they're going away, but then they come back with a bunch of reinforcements?"

"What if they do?" said Julian. "We'll have returned successfully to the grove, gotten Cooper's vision sorted out, and be well on our way to getting shitfaced at the Whore's Head long before they come back."

"He makes a good point," said Cooper.

"You're using it right now, aren't you?" said Dave.

Julian looked at him innocently. "What?"

"Diplomacy."

Julian looked at the ground. "Yes."

"Fine," said Tim. "We'll try it your way. But I still want to try and find one or two of them alone. If Diplomacy doesn't work, then we don't need all of them alerted to our presence at once."

"I'll agree to that," said Julian. "Let's go find the stream, and I'll have Ravenus scout north from there."

Finding the stream was no big challenge. Julian followed his long ears, leading Cooper by the hand as he stumbled through the undergrowth.

After about ten minutes of walking, Tim could hear the babble of the water. Twenty minutes after that, they arrived. If the stream flowed north and slightly to the east, as the nymph had told them, it didn't do so in a straight line. It was full of twists and bends, some of the larger trees in the forest diverting its route. It was impossible to guess an average width or depth. At some points, Tim guessed he could jump clear across it with a running start. At other points, it formed pools twenty feet wide.

"Ravenus," said Julian. "Fly downriver until you spot the cave or the hoprobbins."

"Hobgoblins," said Tim.

"Right away, sir," said Ravenus. He flapped off down the river and disappeared above the treetops.

"Cooper should walk in the stream," said Tim.

"Why?" asked Cooper.

"Because you're blind."

"Of course," said Julian. "Everyone knows that blind people travel best in running water."

"Seriously?" said Cooper.

"No," said Julian.

Tim threw an acorn at Julian's head. "It's for your safety," he said to Cooper. "You'll be quieter in the water than you would be crashing into every low-hanging branch you pass. And you won't need anyone to guide you. Just follow the direction of the current. And if it does come to a fight, well… maybe you can stay hidden."

"Fuck that," said Cooper. "I'm not going to hide from a fight. Fighting is the only thing I'm any good at."

Tim was getting ready to argue again when Ravenus flew down from the trees.

"That was fast," said Julian. "Did you find the cave already?"

"No, sir," said the bird. "But I spotted two hobgoblins just downstream from here. Looks like a patrol."

"Perfect," said Tim. "That's just what we were looking for. Cooper, no arguments from you. Get in the river and keep your big head down. If you hear any fighting, you can come join in, but don't use your axe. You'd be just as likely to chop one of us in half."

"Fine," grumbled Cooper. He trudged toward the stream, waving his hands out in front of him. It was his foot, however, that found an obstacle. He tripped over a log and belly-flopped into the water.

"Dude," said Dave. "Keep it down!"

"Fuck you," said Cooper, wiping water off his face. It came off slimy and sticky, stringing from his face to his hands.

"Ew," said Julian. "What kind of water is that?"

"It's not the water," said Tim. "That's just Cooper's filth getting wet."

Tim, Julian, and Dave crept forward, moving from tree to tree as quietly as Dave's armor would allow.

Before long, Tim spotted the two hobgoblins about sixty feet away, sitting on a freshly chopped tree trunk, facing away from him. Thick, reddish-brown fur poked through the joints of their plate armor. Their boots sat unattended next to them as they dangled their feet in the water. Battleaxes and longbows also lay on the ground nearby.

"We should get moving," said the hobgoblin on the left. "If Snarlgore catches us sitting on our asses, he'll thrash us for sure."

"How's he going to find out?" asked the hobgoblin on the right, the slightly larger of the two. "We're the only ones on patrol. You worry too much, Grimblart. It's important to clear your mind every once in a while. Just take in the world around you." He took a long, deep breath. "Smell the fresh air. Feel the cool water as it runs between your toes."

"These guys seem perfectly reasonable," Julian whispered.

The hobgoblin called Grimblart removed his skullcap and dipped it into the stream. He brought it to his mouth and drank. Then he spat out the water and started to choke violently.

The other hobgoblin laughed at him. "You fool! You're supposed to drink the water, not breathe it."

Grimblart's choking eventually subsided. "This water tastes like elf shit!"

Tim facepalmed himself. "Fucking Cooper."

"Why elf shit?" asked Julian. With such a wide diversity of life in this world, it was a fair question.

Dave shrugged. "Just a figure of speech?"

The other hobgoblin sniffed Grimblart's head. "Well no wonder. You've been wearing that helmet on your sweaty, flea-ridden head all day. You need to rinse it out first." He removed his own helmet and demonstrated, rinsing it in the stream a few times before taking a cautious sip. He immediately spat it out. "By the scars my father left me, you're right. This is bad water indeed. Perhaps a bear died upstream. Let's have a look."

The two hobgoblins pulled their feet out of the water and re-donned their helmets.

"It's now or never," said Tim. "If they spot Cooper, your Diplomacy isn't going to do shit."

"Okay," said Julian. "Wait here."

Julian stepped out from behind the cover of the oak as the two hobgoblins were fastening their bootstraps. "Excuse me, gentlemen."

The hobgoblins instinctively reached for their bows. When they looked up and saw Julian, they threw the bows down and picked up their axes. "BRRAAAWWWWRRRRGGGHHHH!" they roared as they charged at him, axes held high in the air.

"The fuck?" said Julian. He stumbled backward. "M-m-magic Missile!"

A glowing bolt of magical energy burst out of Julian's outstretched palm, flew through the air, swerved around a tree, and struck the larger hobgoblin in the thigh, through a gap in his armor. Burnt bits of flesh exploded from his leg, but he didn't even slow down.

Tim readied his crossbow and aimed it at the injured hobgoblin. He took care to remain concealed as best he could, but the precaution was probably unnecessary. The hobgoblin was rabidly focused on Julian. He waited for it to close in to within thirty feet of his position, so that he would get his Sneak Attack Bonus.

THWACK!

The bolt caught the hobgoblin in the throat. He dropped his battleaxe and clutched at the bolt, gurgling up blood from his mouth. He managed to pull the bolt out, and a fine, pink mist escaped from his neck. He collapsed on the ground and was no longer a problem.

His friend, Grimblart, didn't even seem to notice his fallen comrade. He kept running after Julian, who was now running as fast as he could in the other direction.

Dave jumped out from behind the tree to intercept Grimblart. "Yah!" he cried, swinging his heavy mace. He swung a little too high, allowing the hobgoblin to easily duck under the blow, punch him in the face, and continue stalking Julian.

"Surprise, motherfuckers!" shouted Cooper as he jumped out of the stream. It was unclear as to what he thought he was running toward, but he didn't get more than two strides in before running straight into Dave. They both fell to the ground, and Cooper grabbed a handful of Dave's beard.

"Wraaa!" cried Dave. His right arm was pinned down by Cooper's knee, so he gave a weak swing at Cooper's face with his left hand. Cooper caught him by his leopard-furred forearm.

"You hairy son of a bitch!" said Cooper. He lifted Dave off the ground. "This is what happens when you fuck with one of my friends!" He threw Dave into the stream and jumped onto his back.

Tim's eyes darted back and forth as he tried to determine who needed his help the most. He'd never be able to catch Julian and the hobgoblin, not with his tiny legs. And Ravenus had already flown off that way, for whatever help he could provide. He ran toward the stream.

When he arrived at the bank, Dave was face-down in the water, and Cooper was sitting on his back, punching the shit out of him.

"Cooper!" cried Tim. "Knock it off! That's Dave!"

Cooper raised his head, looking around blindly. "Huh? Where?"

"You're sitting on him, you stupid asshole!"

"Oh shit," said Cooper. He stood up, grabbed Dave by his normal, non-furry arm, and pulled him up. "My bad, dude."

Dave coughed up what looked like four gallons of mud and sand, and then sucked in about ten times that volume of air. He raised a shaky index finger to his bleeding temple. "I heal –" The rest of his incantation came out as another gush of mud-vomit, but it must have been good enough. The bleeding stopped, and the back of his skull cracked back into its proper form.

Cooper reached out to feel Dave's face. "Are you okay?"

Dave jerked away. "Don't touch me."

"Hey man," said Cooper. "I said I was sorry."

"No you fucking didn't, shithead." He kicked Cooper in the shin, right in the lump where Julian had hit him with his quarterstaff.

"Ow!" cried Cooper, bending down to grab his shin. "Not cool, man! I'm fucking disabled!"

"Wait," said Dave. "Where's Julian?"

"How the fuck should I know?" said Cooper. "I'm fucking blind."

"Shut up. I wasn't talking to you."

"I don't know," said Tim. "I guess he's still running from the hobgoblin."

"Well what are we waiting for?" said Dave. "Let's go help him!"

"We'll never find them," said Tim. "We're too short and slow, and Cooper's blind. Julian's just going to have to fend for himself this time."

"So we just sit here and do nothing?"

"If we wander off, and he comes back, then we'll all be screwed," said Tim. "We need to stay put and wait for him. It's just one hobgoblin. He'll be fine."

"You don't know that," said Dave. "That thing was three times the size of Julian, and it was pissed the fuck off. You stay here if you want to. I'm going to go find him."

"Didn't you ever see any PSA's as a kid? What were you supposed to do when you get lost in the mall?"

"Stay where you are and wait for your parents to find you."

"That's right," said Tim.

"But who's to say who the parents are in this analogy?"

"Look," said Tim. "Julian knows where we are. We have no idea where he is. It makes more sense to let him come to us." He rummaged through his bag until he found his small leather tobacco pouch. It wasn't really tobacco. It was some kind of plant the locals smoked. They called it snotgrass, or something to that effect. That would probably change once large corporations became a thing in this world. Tim rolled up three fat cigarettes. "Julian will be back before these are finished."

They smoked in silence. Tim hoped that his prediction would be accurate.

They didn't have to wait long. Before their cigarettes had burned down halfway, Julian came trudging through the underbrush. Blood was smeared across his face, splattered all over his serape, and dripping from his limp left arm. In his right hand he carried his quarterstaff, the head of which was also coated in a thick layer of red. It ran down the shaft and pooled on his hand. Ravenus perched on his shoulder, his beak and neck sticky with some clear liquid. Somewhere, out in the woods, was a dead hobgoblin with no eyes.

"Julian!" said Tim. "You're all right!"

"No thanks to you dickholes," said Julian. "Have you guys seriously been sitting around getting stoned while I was out fighting for my life?"

"I wanted to go out and look for you," said Dave. "But Tim said… Um, that is, we thought it would be best to let you come back to us. So we wouldn't get lost. You know?" He held out his half-smoked cigarette. "Want some?"

"Just shut up and heal me."

"Is that your blood?" asked Tim.

Julian shook his quarterstaff. "This isn't." He waved it in front of his face and serape. "This isn't." He pointed at his left arm. "This is. He got me pretty good with his axe. I'm lucky I still have an arm at all."

Dave touched Julian's limp arm. "I heal thee."

Julian's eyes rolled up, and he sighed ecstatically. The fingers on his left hand started to wiggle. "Oh my god that feels good." When he was finally able to make a fist and move his arm properly, he reached out to Dave. "Okay, you're forgiven. Hand it over."

Dave handed him what was left of his cigarette. "What happened to your quarterstaff?"

Julian took a few puffs on the cigarette to keep it burning. "I wanted to make sure he was really dead. You know, below-negative-ten-Hit-Points dead. I didn't want him getting back up and chasing me again. So I beat his skull in until it was a pulpy mess."

"That's kind of fucked up," said Cooper.

"I'll admit, it was probably overkill, especially considering that Ravenus had already eaten his eyes by that point. But I was angry."

"We've got to bring those heads back with us, you know," said Dave.

"Oh shit," said Julian. "I forgot about that."

"Is it still recognizable as a hobgoblin head?" asked Tim.

Julian shrugged. "I guess."

Tim started rolling another cigarette.

"Dude, take it easy," said Dave. "You're not even finished with the one you're smoking."

"I've got an idea," said Tim. "Remember that campaign we played last year when we stormed the bandit camp? I think Cooper was the Cavern Master."

"Vaguely," said Dave. "Was that the game where we were supposed to rescue the gnome princess from the high tower?"

"I remember," said Cooper. "I spent like four hours mapping out that goddamn tower, and you dickheads never went in there. You just took the prince's giant cigars and fucked off into the forest."

"That's right," said Tim. "And you were so butt-hurt about it that you had some bandits show up and steal all our money and our giant cigars. Do you remember how we defeated the bandits?"

"Not really," said Cooper. "I was pretty wasted at that point."

"I remember," said Dave. "I think I like where you're going with this."

"What did you do?" asked Julian.

"We found their campsite," said Tim. "And we stayed hidden until nightfall. We waited for all the bandits to go to sleep, except for the two on watch duty."

"Okay," said Julian. "What then?"

"It was dark. Nobody could see shit. But then Cooper did exactly what I was counting on. He had the two poor fuckers light up the cigars they stole from us, just to rub it in our faces."

"So what?" said Julian.

"So we didn't need to see them in order to shoot them. We just aimed at the cigar embers. We took out the two guards on watch duty, and then went and slit everyone else's throats while they slept."

"I may have been a bit generous with what I let you get away with," said Cooper. "I was probably just drunk and tired, and wanted to go home and go to bed."

"So what about the princess?" asked Julian.

"What princess?" said Tim.

"The gnome princess you were supposed to rescue from the tower," said Julian. "Did you go back for her?"

"No," said Dave. "The week after that Cooper got tired of running the game and had a dragon fly down and eat our characters."

Tim finished rolling a particularly fat cigarette – closer to a cigar really – and set to work on another one.

"It was a good plan then," said Dave. "But here and now it hinges on the contingency that any hobgoblins we run into are just going to steal our shit rather than flat-out try to murder us, which didn't work out so well for Julian."

"Yeah," said Julian. "What was up with that? Those guys were perfectly chill, and then they went all apeshit as soon as I opened my mouth. Did I fail a Diplomacy Check?"

"No," said Tim. "Even if you rolled a 1, you would have inadvertently said something offensive, or farted or something."

"Maybe the words 'Excuse me, gentlemen' sound like 'Your mother's a whore' in the hob-knobbin' language."

"It's hobgoblin, and no. I don't think so. That's not how language works here. It must have been something else."

"I think it was your race," said Cooper.

"They hate Jews?"

"No, fucktard. They hate elves."

"Why didn't you tell me this before you sent me out to talk to them?"

"I thought it was bugbears who hated elves," said Cooper. "I always get the two confused."

"What the fuck is a bugbear?"

"Would you guys shut up?" said Dave. "I'd still like to know who's planning to walk around flaunting a couple of fat doobies in the hopes that a group of hobgoblins is just going to confiscate them and send us on our way."

"Nobody's going to flaunt anything," said Tim, finishing up the second cigarette. "We're going to make it look like the hobgoblins caught us by surprise while we were camping, and we were forced to flee in a hurry, leaving some of our shit behind."

Dave gathered some sticks, built a small campfire, and doused it with water once the wood was sufficiently blackened.

Cooper chopped off one of the hobgoblin's arms. It took a few tries because he couldn't see what he was doing, but he managed to get in a good enough chop above the elbow so that he could just rip it the rest of the way off. He held it by the hand and swung it around over his head, spraying the whole area in blood.

Julian spread a few non-essential items around the site. A spare dagger here. A tinderbox there. An empty waterskin. Whatever they would be able to do without for the upcoming battle. He even talked Tim into leaving his flask of stonepiss.

"If they're wasted," he argued, "they'll be even easier to kill."

"Fine," Tim said, handing over the flask.

For Tim's part, he took off his clothes, soaked them in the stream, and laid them out to dry on the fallen tree trunk.

"You're getting pretty comfortable with being naked around us these days," said Julian, looking slightly to the left of Tim.

"I'm trying to make it look like we were caught off guard," said Tim. "I can't afford the luxuries of dignity and shame."

"Oh, I wasn't suggesting you should be ashamed of your body. I just –"

"This isn't my body," snapped Tim. "My body is more than three feet tall, and my dick is more than an inch long. Take off your serape."

"What?" said Julian. "I've got to strip down too?"

"You can keep your shirt and pants on, Mr. Modest. "But at least take off the serape. Details sell the story."

Julian pulled his serape over his head. "What's the genre? Gay erotica?"

Tim snatched the garment out of Julian's hand and turned toward the river. He was barely able to stop himself from running straight into Cooper's disgusting half-orc dick. "Jesus, Cooper! What the fuck?"

Cooper held up his loincloth. "I was just trying to help."

"Sorry," said Tim. "Would you please put that back on."

"My clothes aren't good enough for your story?"

"No," said Tim. "That doesn't even look like clothes. It looks like a giant sewer rat died of AIDS. Now put it back on." He dunked Julian's blood-spattered serape into the stream and then spread it out on the fallen tree. He surveyed the fake campsite. A CSI team might spend a day wondering what the fuck had happened here, but it looked good enough to fool a couple of hobgoblins. "That should just about do it. Cooper, toss that arm in the stream."

"What for?"

"With any luck, the other hobgoblins will spot it and come to investigate."

"Good thinking," said Cooper. He tossed the arm. It hit Dave in the face.

"Dammit, Cooper!" said Dave. He kicked the arm into the stream.

"Sorry, dude. I can't see."

Tim placed his two giant snotgrass cigars on his empty tobacco pouch and set it gently on the ground next to the dead hobgoblin, where it stood a better chance of being noticed. "Let's go get that other hobgoblin head."

They followed Julian, who zigged and zagged through the forest, trying to remember where the fight had taken place, until he finally conceded that he had no idea where he was going. In flight, Ravenus was able to find the spot almost right away.

It was a grizzly sight indeed. Julian had been nothing if not thorough. The hobgoblin lay dead in a pool of its own congealing blood. Of course, its eyes were missing. The top of its head was completely caved in, as was the left side of its face. Its bearded jaw was still intact, pointy lower-canines jutting up from its underbite. The poor bastard might not be recognizable as Grimblart, but he should at least be identifiable as a hobgoblin.

"You really went to town on this guy," Tim said to Julian. He pointed to a scorched hole in the leather covering the dead hobgoblin's groin area. "Did you Magic Missile him in the nuts?"

"Yeah."

"How do you even do that?"

"It was close combat at that point. He'd already broken my arm, so I grabbed his crotch while I said the incantation."

Dave winced. "Lucky for us the nymph didn't ask us to bring back seven hobgoblin dicks."

"This is disgusting," said Tim. "Cooper, chop its head off. And for fuck's sake be careful. We don't need it anymore damaged than it already is."

Cooper knelt next to the body, feeling it with his hands. "Okay. I think I've got it." He stood up, raised his axe in the air, and brought it down hard on the hobgoblin's chest. "How close was I?"

"Not very," said Dave.

After seven more tries, Cooper had chopped the torso of the creature into hamburger, severed an arm at the shoulder, and finished off the work Julian had started on its dick.

"Stand back," said Dave. "Let me try." He picked up the dead hobgoblin's battleaxe, and removed the creature's head with one blow.

"We really need to start remembering to utilize all of the resources available to us," said Tim. "Julian, ask Ravenus to go find the cave, would you? If this cigar thing works, I'd like to scout out the terrain while there's still some daylight left."

Julian sent Ravenus on his way, and Cooper stuffed the battered hobgoblin head into his bag.

Ravenus returned a few minutes later.

"Bury this body," said Tim. He let Ravenous lead him toward the hobgoblin cave. As an extra precaution, he used his Move Silently rogue ability, making him even slower than usual. But there were still a few hours of daylight left, and being alone in a forest with a bunch of angry hobgoblins with only a crossbow and a bird for protection was not a time for impatience.

He snuck silently from tree to tree until, about thirty minutes later, he ran out of trees. Peeking out from behind the last one, he saw the cave. The site looked to be the result of a fault shift or something. One chunk of the ground jutted up sharply against the ground next to it, leaving a fifteen foot wall of sedimentary rock exposed. It was in the face of this rock that the entrance of the cave had been carved. Just a rough hole in the rock about eight feet tall at its highest point, just slightly above the head of the lone hobgoblin standing guard outside it. A grey and white wolf sat beside him, tethered to an iron stake in the ground. Shit. The wolf would be a problem.

The purpose of the cave was not readily apparent. Maybe someone had been mining for gold or gems. Maybe it was a tunnel leading somewhere else. Maybe it had served a military purpose some time ago, or been a temporary home to a group of bandits on the run from the law. It was as defensible a location as one was likely to find in this forest. The rock wall would prevent any attacks from directly behind, and the stream cut sharply to the left, ballooning out in front of the cave, before turning northward again, like a giant Omega symbol. Anyone attempting a direct assault on the cave would have, at best, wet feet and twenty yards of open ground to cross.

Tim would have to cross the stream in order to get close enough to use his Sneak Attack bonus, but that shouldn't be a problem. The water ran slowly, and it probably wasn't deep enough for him to drown in anyway. The Difficulty Class for an Untrained Swim Check should be pretty low.

The wolf barked sharply and stood up. Another hobgoblin was approaching quickly from the right..

"Elfgina," said the hobgoblin on duty. "What's that in your hand?"

"It's an arm," said the other hobgoblin. "And I wish you'd stop calling me that. My family name is Bloodfang."

"You will earn your name once you've proved yourself in battle. Until then, you'll be known as Elfgina. Now give that here."

Elfgina handed over the severed arm.

"Hell's fury!" said the hobgoblin standing guard. "Where did you find this?"

"I was having a piss in the stream, and it just floated by."

"This belongs to Rothgar. It still bears his father's ring."

Fuck. It was wearing a ring? Tim made a mental note to check the other body more thoroughly when he returned to the others.

"What's going on out here?" said one of two hobgoblins emerging from the cave. That accounted for six of the total seven.

"Bonecrusher," said the hobgoblin who had been standing guard. "You and Elfgina go upstream and see if you can find out what happened. Take Pepper with you."

The hobgoblin called Bonecrusher untied the wolf from the stake. He crouched down, whispered something in its ear as he stroked its fur, and held the severed arm out for it to sniff. The wolf sprang forward toward the stream, dragging Bonecrusher behind with its leash. Elfgina followed after them.

That left two hobgoblins alone in front of the cave. If he'd brought just one more person, it might have been worth risking a direct assault. Tim briefly toyed with trying to pick them off one by one from where he was, but quickly dismissed it.

He wasn't sure how good a nose a wolf had, but if it had any sense of smell at all, it would be able to pick up Cooper's stench, not to mention the trail of destruction he left while stumbling blindly through the forest.

"Ravenus," Tim whispered in a British accent. "We've got to get back to the others. Let's go."

Tim Moved Silently for about the first fifty yards, and then broke into a run. They made it back to the group in what seemed like no time at all.

Cooper's entire body was covered in sweat and freshly turned earth. He stood over what Tim assumed to be the grave of a headless hobgoblin. "Hey guys," he said. "Look. I soiled myself. Get it? 'Cause I'm covered in soil."

"Fucking hilarious," said Dave.

Cooper let out a fart that sounded too wet to just be a fart.

"Jesus, Cooper!" said Julian.

"Shit," said Cooper. "I soiled myself for real this time." He stumbled around, waving his arms until he found a tree.

"You're so disgusting," said Dave.

Cooper lifted the back of his loincloth and rubbed his ass against the tree trunk. "Screw you, man! It's not me. It's my Charisma score. You know I can't help it."

"Ahem," said Tim.

Julian and Dave quickly turned their heads toward him. Cooper raised his head toward somewhere to the left of him.

"Did you find the cave?" asked Julian.

"Yeah," said Tim. "And they found the arm."

"That's great," said Dave. "Everything's going according to plan then."

"Not quite," said Tim. "They've got a wolf with them, and it looks like one of them has at least a few ranks in the Tracking skill. They'll probably hunt us down."

"Shit," said Julian. He thought for a moment. "Couldn't we just move?"

"We're too slow as a party," said Dave. "We'd just put off the inevitable by a few minutes."

"So what do we do?"

"We get ready for a fight," said Tim. He'd been looking forward to seeing how his cigar trick would play out, but they'd just have to adapt. "We'll be up against two hobgoblins and a wolf, so we still outnumber them. Since they're coming toward us, we can have the home field advantage as well."

"Is there really such a thing?" asked Julian.

"As what?" asked Tim..

"A home field advantage. I mean, is it a game term? Do we get bonuses to our Attack Rolls or something?"

"No," said Tim. "It's not a game term. It is what it is. We can prepare for them. Set a trap. That sort of thing."

"Awesome!" said Julian. "We could dig a big pit, and put spikes on the bottom, and then cover it with branches. Then when they come, I'll stand on one side of it and say 'Hey fellas! Were you looking for some hot elf love?'"

Tim shook his head. "That's –"

"Hold on!" said Julian. "I've got a better one. I'll hold my hands up and say 'I'm unarmed… and so is your friend!'".

"Yes," said Tim. "That's very funny, but –"

"Ooh! Or how about this one. I'll point at my balls and say –"

"Would you shut the fuck up?" said Cooper, returning from defiling yet another tree. "Do you know how long it would take to make a trap like that?"

"A couple of hours?"

"More like a week," said Tim. "And I reckon we've only got maybe thirty minutes to come up with something that's not incredibly stupid."

"Ambush," said Dave.

"Keep talking," said Tim.

"They don't know how many we are, or in what condition we're in. You and Julian take positions up in the trees." He pointed up at two trees he thought would make good candidates. "I'll hide behind one of the trees, and Cooper will stand out in the open as bait."

Cooper raised his head. "Wait, what?"

"I like it," said Tim. "We should be able to take down at least one of them before they even know they've been ambushed."

"You like it because you get to be up in a tree," said Cooper. "Let's use the blind guy as bait."

"You've got a ton of Hit Points," said Tim. "You'll be all right. And let's face it. This is really the only opportunity you have to be useful in your present condition."

"Thanks."

Julian sent Ravenus to keep an eye on the hobgoblins. Then he took Grimblart's bow and quiver which, thankfully, they'd had the presence of mind not to bury him with, and climbed up one of the trees that Dave had pointed out. He nestled himself into the fork of a large branch and tested his line of sight. Tim did likewise in the tree Cooper was standing next to. With Dave's help on the ground, they mapped out an ideal area for Cooper to lure the hobgoblins into which both Julian and Tim could see from their positions.

Dave hid behind the thick trunk of Tim's tree, and Cooper stood out in the open like a vulnerable jackass who was waiting to get murdered.

"That's perfect," said Tim. "Just act natural and… I don't know. Try not to let on that you're blind."

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that? You want me to juggle?"

"Here," said Julian, tossing down a scroll tube. It hit Cooper in the head.

"Ow."

"Pretend you're reading."

"But I'm illiterate."

"You're blind, too, dumbass," said Julian. "That's why I said 'pretend'."

"Oh, right." Cooper crouched down, feeling the ground until he found the tube. He opened it and pulled out a sheet of parchment. Standing back up, he unrolled the parchment and cleared his throat. He spat a fist-sized gob of rusty-brown phlegm on the ground.

"Ew," said Dave. "Watch where you spit. I've got to hide over here."

Cooper held the blank parchment out in front of him. "We the people, of the United States of America…"

Ravenus flew in like a rocket, stumbling as he landed. "They're coming!" he said to Cooper.

Unable to understand the bird's Elven language, Cooper ignored him and continued reading. "…and to the republic for which it stands, one nation…"

"Hey!" said Ravenus. "Hang on. Where is everybody?"

"…our four fathers hold these truths to be self elephants…"

"Ravenus," whispered Julian. "Up here!"

"…will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their character sheets…"

Ravenus flew into Julian's tree. "One of those bastards fired an arrow at me!"

"…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…"

"Cooper," Tim whispered. "Get ready. Here they come!"

"…One small step for man. One giant leap for –"

Snarls and barks announced the wolf's arrival. "You there!" shouted the hobgoblin called Bonecrusher, barely able to hold his wolf's leash. "Who are you?"

Cooper threw down the parchment and roared, "ICH BIN EIN BERLINER!"

Bonecrusher and Elfgina looked at one another uncertainly. Even Pepper stopped barking.

"Sorry," said Cooper. "I got a little carried away."

Julian looked at Tim. Tim shook his head. The hobgoblins were still about forty feet away. He wouldn't get his Sneak Attack bonus at this range. While he was guaging their position, Tim noticed his tobacco pouch slung around Elfgina's neck. The ends of two fat cigars poked out of the top of it.

"I'll ask you one more time, half-orc," said Bonecrusher. "Who are you?"

"My name is Cooper."

Bonecrusher held up the severed hobgoblin arm. "Are you responsible for this?"

"For what?"

"Have the gods removed your eyes as well as your wits?"

"My vision isn't what it used to be."

That's it, Cooper. Draw him in a little closer.

Bonecrusher lobbed the severed arm at Cooper. It bounced off his chest and fell to the ground.

Shit.

"Neither are my reflexes." Cooper bent over and felt for the arm.

"I think he's blind," said Elfgina.

Cooper found the arm and stood up. "Oh, this," he said. "Yes. I'm totally responsible for this." He tossed the arm back toward the hobgoblins. They watched as it arced high over their heads.

Bonecrusher unstrapped his battleaxe. "That arm belonged to my cousin."

Cooper took a step backward, and another. "Sorry about that," he said. "I used it to whack off." He performed the universally recognized 'whacking off' gesture in case the hobgoblins were not familiar with the term. "Pro tip: If you use someone else's hand, it feels less lonely."

"Why you vile piece of…" Bonecrusher let go of the leash. "Pepper, get him!" Bonecrusher followed, holding his axe with both hands, as Pepper launched into Cooper.

It all happened so suddenly that by the time Tim shouted "Now!", the hobgoblin was practically right under his tree.

Tim's bolt caught Bonecrusher right where his neck met his chest. Julian's arrow pierced the hobgoblin's leg. Dave stepped out from behind the tree and smashed his mace into the creature's gut with a mighty, all-or-nothing two-handed swing. It was impossible to say which was the killing blow, but Bonecrusher didn't even have time to grunt before collapsing dead to the ground.

Cooper continued stumbling backwards until Pepper leapt up and tackled him.

"Dave? Is that you?" said Cooper, grasping at the animal on top of him. The wolf bit his hand and clawed his face.

"Ow!" said Cooper. "Fuck you, Dave!" He grabbed the animal by the throat and punched it in the face.

"Shit!" said Elfgina, who hadn't even readied a weapon. He bolted off in the other direction.

Tim climbed down from his branch, and Julian hopped down from his. Julian had an arrow nocked and aimed by the time Tim got down.

"Wait!" said Tim. "Let him go."

"What? Why?" Julian lowered his bow.

"He's got my tobacco pouch."

"Fuck your tobacco pouch!" Julian raised his bow again, but Elfgina was gone. "Dammit!"

"Come on," said Tim, running toward Cooper.

Dave stood over Cooper and Pepper as they wrestled on the ground, looking for an opportunity to strike. Tim saved him the trouble. A single bolt to the chest was all it took. The wolf gave a last, whiny bark and fell to Cooper's side.

Cooper stood up on his massive, but trembling, legs. His face and chest were scratched up pretty bad, and his hand was dripping with blood.

"You okay, Coop?" said Tim.

"I'll live."

"I've got one more Heal spell," said Dave.

"Save it," said Cooper. "Just give me a zero-level Heal to stop the bleeding."

Dave touched Cooper's arm. "I heal thee."

"Thanks." Cooper opened and closed his hand a couple of times. It still looked pretty bad, but no more blood was dripping out of it. "So, that's four down?"

"Three," said Julian with more than a trace of annoyance in his voice. "Tim let the other one get away."

"What the fuck for?" said Cooper.

"He had my tobacco pouch," Tim explained. "There's still a chance for my cigar plan to work."

"Fucking hell," said Cooper.

"Tim," said Dave. "That plan was clever in a what-harm-could-it-do sort of way, but it's not something you'd want to count on. Not when we could have just tipped the odds in our favor. We could have probably taken out three hobgoblins in a straight-up fight. Having a fourth one there, who can give the others a full report on us, well… you may have just fucked us."

"You make a fair point," said Tim. "But if my plan works, there won't even be a fight."

"Okay," said Julian. "I'm going to jump in and be totally honest for a second. I think your plan is stupid. In fact, I think it's the stupidest fucking plan I've ever heard. What if none of those guys smoke? What if they like to smoke in the morning? What if they've got a big campfire going and we can't even get close enough without them spotting us? There's so much about this plan that has to go precisely the way you want it to for it to have any prayer of working. If your plan was a person, it would be riding the short bus to school."

An awkward moment of silence followed while Tim waited for someone to speak up in his defense. Cooper farted.

"I appreciate your honesty," said Tim. "I made a split-second decision. Had I had more time to think about it, I might have chosen differently. But that's neither here nor there. What's done is done, and my plan, stupid or not, is the only one we've got."

As the sun set, the oak tree shadows grew larger and darker. Ravenus led the group to a safe distance from the hobgoblin cave. Just before evening turned completely into night, Tim led Julian to a not-quite-as-safe distance from the cave.

"Do you really think it's wise to have me be your backup?" asked Julian. "Those guys really hate elves."

"I think it's a safe bet that they hate all of us right about now," said Tim. "And if this works, they won't see you at all. I need you because you're the only one who can at least try to walk quietly, and you're decent with a bow."

When they reached the last tree before the stream, Tim crouched down and gestured for Julian to do the same. Two hobgoblins stood outside the entrance of the cave.

Tim spoke just above a whisper. "We'll cross the stream here. Do your best not to splash, but the babble of the water should cover us pretty well. Then we'll make straight for the cave entrance. If there's only one hobgoblin standing guard, we'll both fire at the same time. If there are two, we're going to have to split our attacks and hope we kill both of them on the first try."

Julian shrugged and nodded.

"Take one more look," said Tim. "Try to remember the layout of the land as best you can."

Julian stared for a little while. "Okay. I've got it."

Tim stood up. "Good. Now let's go back and –"

"They came out of nowhere!" said Elfgina, running toward the two hobgoblins standing outside the cave.

"What are you talking about?" asked the larger of the two. "Where is Bonecrusher? Where is Pepper?"

"They're gone, Snarlgore," said Elfgina. "I'm sorry, but there was nothing that could be done. They jumped out of the trees, half a dozen or more."

"You are lower than a dog," said Snarlgore. "Elfgina is too good a name for you. We'll have to think of something better."

"Please, sir," pleaded Elfgina. "You don't understand."

"I understand perfectly," said Snarlgore. "The dog stayed to fight. You did not. Therefore, you are lower than a dog. Hammerfist," he said to the hobgoblin standing next to him. "Is there some flaw in my reasoning?"

"Your logic is sound, sir," said Hammerfist.

"You must listen to me!" said Elfgina. "They may be coming this –"

"Have I completely lost my senses," said Snarlgore, "or did the dog just presume to give its owner a command? Have you ever heard of something so preposterous?"

"Never in my whole life, sir," said Hammerfist.

"See if perhaps you can demonstrate to him his proper place, would you?"

Hammerfist stepped up to Elfgina.

"Come on, Hammer," said Elfgina. "Those guys are coming for us. We need to –"

His words were interrupted by a gauntleted backhand slap to the face.

Elfgina dropped to his hands and knees, out of breath and drooling blood.

"That's better," said Snarlgore. "Now, what does a good doggie say?"

"P-p-please."

"If I have to unsheathe my short sword, I shall sheathe it through that soggy noodle you call a spine. Now what does the good doggie say?"

"Woof?"

"Very good."

"I don't think I can watch anymore of this," said Julian.

"Okay," said Tim. "I can barely see anything anyway. I was hoping we'd catch a glimpse of the seventh hobgoblin." He put a hand on Julian's elbow for guidance.

"He may be inside the cave," said Julian. "Like maybe he's the big boss or something."

"I hope not."

About thirty yards further away, they met the rest of the group and explained the current situation.

"So now what?" asked Dave.

"Now we wait," said Tim. Give them an hour or two, hope that at least one of them goes to sleep. And then we make our move. Julian and I will go in alone. You and Cooper will stay on this side of the stream unless shit really goes south." He put his hand on Cooper's. "If that happens, I'll need you to go into your barbarian rage."

"You want me to fight?"

"No," said Tim. "I want you to look big and scary so that they'll all shoot at you while we pick them off."

"Being blind sucks."

About twenty minutes passed before Tim finally said, "Fuck it. I'm tired of waiting. Ready?"

Julian shrugged. "As ready as I'll ever be."

The whole group crept back up toward the stream so slowly that even Cooper was quiet. When they finally made it to the stream, Tim scanned the darkness beyond until he saw what he was looking for. A beautiful solitary glow, like the Star of Bethlehem. Someone was smoking one of his cigars.

"Way to go!" whispered Dave, giving Tim a friendly punch on the arm.

"I'll admit when I'm wrong," said Julian. "I honestly didn't think this plan had a chance of working, but it looks like it might actually work out pretty well."

Tim took a moment to bask in some well-deserved I-told-you-so satisfaction, before calibrating some of the finer details of his plan.

The glow of the cigar was red and irregular. It wobbled around, and didn't appear to be likely to guarantee a hit as well as he'd imagined it would. As he stared at the light, contemplating on how best to shoot at it, it suddenly grew brighter, and quickly dimmed again.

That was it. The light would grow brighter when air was being sucked through it… when the hobgoblin was inhaling. That's when it was guaranteed to be right in their face. "Keep your aim on the light," he said to Julian. "Fire when it glows brightest."

"Okay," said Julian.

"We'll be back in a few," said Tim.

"Good luck!" said Dave.

"You don't need luck if you've got a solid plan," said Tim. "Come on, Julian. Let's go."

Tim and Julian waded silently through the water, carefully holding their weapons over their heads. When they made it to the other side, they lowered their arms and relaxed.

"Okay, perfect," whispered Tim. "Now let's just keep going like that for another ten yards. We've got to get within thirty feet of him for me to get my Sneak Attack bonus." Julian nodded and took a step forward.

"Elf!" Cried a hobgoblin voice from the direction of the cigar.

Thunk. The back end of an arrow suddenly appeared poking out of Julian's chest.

"Yow!" said Julian.

"The fuck?" said Tim.

"I'm really angry!" Cooper's voice bellowed out from behind them.

"Hang on, guys!" said Dave. "We're coming!"

Tim shot at the cigar light. The light neither flickered nor flinched. Whoever had been smoking the cigar had obviously put it down. Shit.

"How did they see us?" said Tim.

Julian nocked an arrow. "They must have Darkvision. You know, like Dave and Cooper have."

There was a giant splash behind them, followed by a "Fuck!"

"Well," said Julian. "Like Dave has anyway."

"Am I the only goddamn creature in this world who can't see in the dark?" asked Tim, his crossbow loaded but nothing to aim at.

"I'm about to help you out with that," said Julian. He whispered at the fletching of his arrow, "Light." The feathers grew as bright as lamplight, revealing an approaching hobgoblin, battleaxe raised, charging silently toward Julian. Julian shot it in the throat.

Tim, who had been looking and listening for something to shoot, wasted no time pulling the trigger. He caught the hobgoblin in the leg.

Julian stepped nimbly out of the way when the axe came down. Tim dropped his crossbow, jumped on the shaft of the axe, and grabbed for the small dagger he kept hidden in his boot. Before he could get a stab in, however, the hobgoblin pulled him off and cocked his arm back to throw him.

"Magic Missile," said Julian. Tim was not in an ideal position to see the magical glowing arrow, but he had a pretty good idea of what happened when his captor's arm went limp.

Tim managed to land in a crouching position right beside his crossbow. He had it loaded just in time to fire at one of the two hobgoblins entering the sphere of light radiating from their fallen comrade's throat. The bolt glanced off the gauntlet of the hobgoblin Tim now recognized as Hammerfist, and bounced away into the darkness. The other hobgoblin was Elfgina, which meant that the one they'd already killed was Snarlgore, the apparent leader of the group, not counting the mystery hobgoblin.

Hammerfist and Elfgina ignored Tim, their attention focused completely on Julian as he started jogging backwards. They didn't even seem to notice or care that a hulked-out Cooper was rapidly, if not directly, approaching.

"H-h-horse!" Julian cried out, just as the two hobgoblins were about to reach him. A shabby brown horse popped into existence about four nanoseconds before it got tackled by two angry, axe-wielding hobgoblins.

Unlike most of the magical horses that Julian habitually murdered, this one had some fight in it. It was the first one back up on its feet, and looked to be pretty pissed off by the events occurring during its first six seconds of life. Just as Elfgina was getting to his feet, presumably wondering where the fuck a horse had suddenly come from, the horse kicked him in the breastplate, sending him flying into Cooper, who would have otherwise missed the fight entirely, running past it in a close tangent.

While Hammerfist was distracted by the horse, Tim fired a bolt into his back.

"Ow!" Hammerfist yelled. "That hurt, you little shit!" He grabbed Tim and cocked his arm back to throw. No Magic Missiles would save him this time.

"Here I am!" said Dave, finally waddling onto the scene. "Is everyone –"

Tim sailed right into him. Plate mail armor is hard. A lot harder than Tim's face.

When he was able to stand up and orientate himself again, Tim surveyed the battle scene, or at least the forty foot diameter dome of it that was visible to him. Cooper was on top of Elfgina, beating the shit out of him with his bare fists. Julian and his horse were missing. Hopefully they were together and both alive. Hammerfist grinned as he followed a target steadily with his bow. Just as he loosed the arrow, Ravenus swooped out of the darkness and rammed his beak into the hobgoblin's ear.

Hammerfist's agonized roar was echoed by the shriek of a horse. The horse shriek cut off suddenly and was followed by a splash.

Hammerfist swatted at Ravenus, but the bird was too fast. He gazed out into the darkness in the direction he had fired the arrow.

"God dammit!" Hammerfist and Julian shouted at the same time. Hammerfist picked up his battleaxe and started running in the direction Julian's voice had come from. Tim grabbed his crossbow, plucked the glowing arrow out of Snarlgore's neck, and gave chase. There was another splash just ahead of him. He loaded a bolt as he ran, and his lack of attention to where he was running nearly put him in one of the wide pools of the meandering stream. He stopped himself just in time and planted the Light arrow into the bank.

"Where are you, you long-eared freak?" Hammerfist shouted as he brought his axe down on what Tim guessed was a random bit of water. He got nothing for his effort but a splash. He sliced into a different spot of water. "You can't hide under there forever, coward!"

Tim fired a bolt into Hammerfist's back.

"Yeeeaaaoooorrrrrrgggghhh!" Hammerfist roared. This bolt had obviously relieved him of significantly more Hit Points than the last one had. "What? You again!" He turned around to face Tim. His height, along with the length of the shaft on the axe he wielded, gave him more reach than Tim had accounted for. He was in striking range.

"Ray of Frost!" Julian shouted poking his head and finger up out of the water. A film of ice crystallized around the hobgoblin's head. Julian stood up, grabbed his quarterstaff with both hands, and smashed the brittle ice to a billion shining fragments. Hammerfist collapsed into the water.

Tim and Julian each grabbed a foot and hauled the unconscious hobgoblin body out of the water. Tim wedged the Light arrow between two plates of his armor so that he could see where they were going. Halfway back to the original fight scene, Hammerfist started to cough and spit up mud. Tim dropped the leg he was dragging and shot the hobgoblin in the chin, up into his oral cavity. He stopped choking.

When they reached the others, Cooper was still pounding the shit out of Elfgina, and Dave was just standing there watching him. Amazingly, the poor hobgoblin bastard's face was still intact.

"Cooper!" said Tim. "It's over. You can stop now."

"Huh?" said Cooper. He stopped beating Elfgina and stood up. "Everybody okay?" The Barbarian Rage left his body, and he shrank from massive to merely huge.

"Yeah," said Tim. "How about you?"

"My knuckles are a little tender," said Cooper. "But I'll live."

Cooper dragged the three bodies back to the cave entrance.

"Well," said Julian. "Just one more to go. Who wants to go in first?"

All eyes, as they did in situations like this, gravitated toward Cooper. Cooper, however, sat on the ground, blissfully picking his nose, unaware that everyone was staring at him.

"No," said Tim. "It can't be Cooper this time. He's blind."

"Oh yeah," said Dave.

"Why don't you go, Dave?" said Tim. "You've got more Hit Points than either of us, and you really didn't do shit during that last battle."

"I'm sorry," Dave snapped. "I can't help it if I'm slow."

"It makes sense," said Julian. "You're a dwarf. You've got Darkvision, and you've got knowledge of caves and shit, right?"

"Fine," said Dave. "I'll go." He cautiously stepped into the cave. Tim was about to step in behind him, when Dave said, "What the hell?"

Tim froze. "What is it? What's in there?"

"Nothing," said Dave. He walked out of the cave. It goes back another twenty feet or so, and opens up into a little room. There's a couple of mats and a few shovels, but that's it."

"What do you mean, that's it?" asked Tim. "Where's the seventh hobgoblin?"

"Dunno," said Dave. "Maybe he just went home or something."

"Shit!" said Tim. "We can't go back with six heads. That nymph bitch will turn us all blind." He started pacing back and forth. "What are we going to do? We should have left one of these guys alive to interrogate."

"Elfgina should still be alive," said Cooper.

Tim stopped pacing. "You punched him repeatedly in the face for like ten minutes straight. How could he possibly be alive?"

"I was punching him with Subdual Damage," said Cooper. "You know, just in case it was Dave again."

Dave's face went pale. His eyes grew big and round, like he'd just walked in on his grandparents fucking. "Um… thanks?"

Tim put his ear to Elfgina's chest. "He still has a heartbeat! Cooper, sit on him. Dave give him a zero-level Heal spell, just to wake him up. Julian, back off a bit, would you?"

Cooper sat on Elfgina's chest and Julian stepped back.

"I heal thee," said Dave, touching the creature's head.

Elfgina groaned as he slowly came into consciousness. His eyes opened just a sliver, and then suddenly as wide as golf balls. "What do you want? Let me go! I'll give you anything!"

"Tell us where the seventh hobgoblin is!" Tim demanded.

"What?" said Elfgina. "There's only the six of us!"

Tim pulled the dagger out of his boot. "I'm not fucking around, dude. You better talk."

"He's telling the truth," said Julian, stepping into the hobgoblin's view. "He's a coward. If the seventh hobgoblin was his own mother, he'd sell her out in a heartbeat."

Elfgina's body writhed under Cooper's weight. "Who are you calling a coward? You filthy elf! You disgusting abomination!"

"Fuck this," said Tim. "Just kill him."

"But he's an unarmed prisoner," said Dave.

"But we need his fucking head," said Tim. "We've got one too few as it is."

"Give him a weapon," said Julian. "Let him go."

"Here," said Tim, placing his dagger in the hobgoblin's hand. "Stand up, Cooper."

Elfgina sprang to his feet and ran at Julian like a rabid dog.

"Ray of Frost," said Julian, pointing at the hobgoblin. The thin blue ray hit the creature in the nose, freezing its eyeballs solid. It dropped to the ground.

Ravenus quickly flew in to take advantage of a new spin on an old delicacy. "This is fantastic," he said. "Nice and crunchy, and the nerve just snaps right off."

"I'm starting to think zero-level spells are severely underrated," said Dave.

After chopping off the three heads they had available to them, they followed the stream to where their original fake campsite had been. They removed the head from the one-armed corpse, and then Ravenus guided them to the site of the battle where they'd killed Bonecrusher and Pepper.

After removing Bonecrusher's head, Cooper chucked it unceremoniously into his bag. "Well, that's six heads. Now what?"

They couldn't put the question off any longer. "There's only one thing to do," said Tim. "We take her what we've got and explain to her that she was misinformed."

"Oh that'll go over great," said Dave. "Hi sadistic tree woman. Here's something less than what we promised you. By the way, you're stupid too."

"We're not calling her stupid," said Tim. "We're just saying she's misinformed. Where's she getting her information from? Birds. Birds are stupid as shit."

"Hey!" said Julian.

"I'm not talking about Ravenus. I'm talking about normal birds."

"Maybe she'll understand," said Dave. "But are we willing to gamble all of our eyes on it?"

"I am," said Cooper.

"What other choice have we got?" asked Tim.

Dave looked at the ground. "We could let Cooper stay blind for a while."

"Hey fuck you, Dave!" said Cooper.

"I'm not talking about forever," said Dave. "I mean like maybe we'll go find a cleric in town who can sort him out or something."

"There's another option," said Julian.

Everyone with functional eyes looked at Julian.

"It's not the most pleasant option, but it's something worth considering before we gamble on the nymph's mercy."

"Spit it out," said Tim.

"If we can't find another Hot Pockets head, --"

"Hobgoblin," said Tim.

"If we can't find another head, we'll make one."

"And how do you propose we do that?" asked Dave.

"See, that's the unpleasant part," said Julian. "I was thinking we take the wolf's skull, and shove it into some of their skin. I don't know. Maybe a foot or something."

"How the fuck is that going to pass for a head?" asked Cooper.

"It'll be covered in the right kind of hair. We'll cut open a mouth hole and expose some wolf teeth. Cut out some eye holes and say that Ravenus ate the eyes. I'll use my disguise skill to do as convincing a job as I can."

"And how do you plan to explain the fucking toes growing on the guy's face?" asked Tim.

"Give me some credit, dude," said Julian. "Naturally we'll cut off the toes. We'll make it look like a giant wound. We'll have to cover the whole thing with enough gore to make it look like it was beaten pretty badly. It doesn't have to pass a close inspection. It's psychological, you see. If someone hands you a mangled lump of bone and flesh with eye holes and teeth showing and tells you it's a head, you'll probably take their word at face value."

Cooper snorted. "Ha! Good one."

"Somebody please tell me they have a better idea than this," said Tim. "Dave?"

Dave looked at the ground.

A final plea of desperation. "Cooper?"

"I like Julian's idea."

"Fuck."

When the butchery started, Tim climbed up a nearby tree. He couldn't stomach the sight of it. Eventually, he fell asleep. His sleep was fitful and uneasy. More than once he woke up just barely stopping himself from rolling off of his branch. When the sun began to dissolve the darkness, he finally couldn't force himself to sleep any more, though he desperately wanted to.

"Good morning," said Julian. "What do you think?"

Tim looked down. Staring back at him was the most horrifying thing he had ever seen, real or imagined. It was like the Devil had miscarried Werewolf-Hitler's baby. "Jesus Fucking Christ!" he shouted as he fell out of the tree.

He landed on Cooper, which was tantamount to landing on a giant whoopee cushion, except that this one produced actual fart.

"Dude," said Cooper. "There are people trying to sleep here.

Tim stood up on shaky legs, taking care to keep his eyes away from the monstrosity in Julian's hands.

"So," said Julian. "Do you think it will pass?"

"I'll give credit where credit is due," said Tim. "It looks like a head well enough. And nobody is going to look at that thing long enough to give it a proper inspection. Just put it in the fucking bag already, would you?"

Dave was sprawled out on the ground, still in his armor. Tim kicked him awake.

"Huh? What?" said Dave.

"It's time to go," said Tim.

"Did Julian finish the head?"

"Yeah."

"How did it come out? Can I see it?"

"Better not," said Tim. "You might change your mind about not wanting to be blind."

With Ravenus leading the way, the group eventually made it back to the nymph's oak grove. The life tree was again alive with the twittering of birds, and Ravenus excitedly flew up to join in their frolicking. The nymph herself was nowhere to be seen.

"What do we do?" asked Dave.

"Um, hello?" said Julian. There was no response.

Tim marched up to the tree and knocked on it so hard his knuckles hurt. "Hey! Come on out! We've got what you asked for!"

"Good morning!" The chirpy voice came from behind them. Tim, Dave, and Julian turned to face it. Cooper turned and faced a random direction. "It's so good to see you again!"

"I wish I could say the same," said Tim. He'd brought her a bag full of heads. He figured he'd earned the right to be a little testy with her.

"So do I," said Cooper.

"Well, well now, my big man," said the nymph. "Perhaps you shall. Let's see what you brought me."

Cooper upturned his bag and let the contents spill out on the ground.

"Oh my!" said the nymph. "You boys have been busy indeed!"

As the nymph looked down at the heads, Julian and Tim exchanged a nervous glance.

"Excuse me, ma'am," said Julian. "It has been a very long night, and we could really do with some rest. If it's at all possible, we'd like to get our friend's vision back and be on our way."

The nymph smiled as she walked in a slow circle around the heads, never once looking up from them.

Julian cleared his throat. "We've done as you asked, after all."

"You have indeed," said the nymph. "You've brought me seven hobgoblin heads. A very impressive feat, considering there were only six hobgoblins out there."

"Wait, what?" said Tim. "You knew there were only six hobgoblins? Then why –"

"I wanted to see what you would do. I certainly wasn't expecting a seventh head."

"You sadistic bitch!" said Tim. "You –"

Julian bonked Tim on the head with his quarterstaff. "A thousand apologies, ma'am. We meant no offense. You put us in a difficult situation. The deception was my idea. I used a wolf's skull, and –"

"I know what you did, child," said the nymph. "My birds have been watching you this whole time.

Tim had a whole lot of vitriol to spit out, but Julian stopped him short with a quick glare.

"We are at your mercy, oh mighty tree spirit," said Julian, bowing and taking a knee. "What will you do with us?"

The nymph looked down at Julian with a smug, satisfied grin, as if she were finally getting the sort of respect she thought she deserved. "You have exceeded my expectations in fulfilling the primary task set before you."

"We have?" said Dave. "But –"

"You have amused me to no end."

"Jesus Fucking Christ!" shouted Cooper.

Tim, Dave, and Julian looked up at him. He was staring down at the makeshift hobgoblin head.

"Cooper!" cried Julian. "You can see!"

"That's pretty fucked up, dude," said Cooper.

"Come on, guys," said Tim. "Let's get the hell out of here."

As they left, the nymph called out after them. "Feel free to visit again any time!" They quickened their pace.

"I think I need to wash my eyes out with fire," said Cooper.

"How about a big bottle of stonepiss," suggested Julian.

"I suppose that will do."

⁂

[ Buzzkill ]

It's times like these, when your best friend is dangling from the edge of a cliff, and you're hanging onto his leg, and he shits on your head, that you really begin to reflect on the choices you've made in life… particularly those that involved choosing best friends and favorable topography to explore.

"Julian!" cried a voice from above. It was either Tim or a random eight-year-old inexplicably lost in the desert

Julian wiped the shit out of his eyes on Cooper's calf and looked up. Tim's little halfling head peeked out over the ledge. With one arm, he hugged the trunk of the same withered tree whose newly exposed roots Cooper was holding on to. In Tim's other hand was a coil of rope.

The rope fell and the bulk of the coil hit Julian in the face.

"Ow!"

"Grab the rope!" said Tim.

Julian looked down just in time to see the broken pieces of rock, which he and Cooper had been standing on only seconds ago, explode into tiny clouds of dust at the bottom of the canyon below them. He had no intention of letting go of Cooper's leg.

"No!" said Julian. "Pull Cooper up."

"We can't," said Tim. "Dave and I are too short to reach him."

"Well dammit!" said Julian. "Cooper, don't you have a bunch of ranks in the Climb skill?"

"I think I'm taking a penalty on account of there being an elf on my leg," said Cooper. "I can't find any footholds."

"Grab the rope!" Tim repeated. "It's the only way."

"Fine!" said Julian. He closed his eyes and willed himself to be able to let go with one arm. Finding the rope, he wrapped it around his wrist four times and gave it a tug. "I'm letting go of Cooper! Don't you guys drop me!"

"We've got you!" said Dave. "The other end is tied around me. You're not going anywhere but up."

Julian let go of Cooper's leg with his other hand and found himself swinging freely in the wide open air. "Pull!"

Every part of Julian's body except for his stomach immediately started to rise. When he scrambled onto solid ground, he discovered that his stomach had made the trip with him after all. He threw up.

"You okay?" said Tim.

"I'll live," said Julian, standing up on shaky legs, using the tree to support himself. The tree tilted about five degrees toward the cliff's edge. Rocks and dirt spilled down.

"Fuck!" said Cooper, below them.

"Throw him the rope!" said Dave.

Julian began to unwind the rope from around his wrist. The tree gave a little more, the roots on his side breaking up through the earth.

"Hurry up!" said Tim.

Just as Julian freed himself from the rope and tossed the end over the side, the ground beneath the tree disintegrated and the tree disappeared over the edge.

"Cooper!" shouted Julian.

"What?" shouted Cooper.

Julian turned around. Dave and Tim were losing a battle of strength and mass, slipping inch by inch toward the edge of the cliff.

"Grab the goddamn rope!" said Tim.

"Oh right," said Julian. He grabbed the rope and planted his feet firmly into the ground. It slowed the rate at which they were all dragged toward certain death, but did not stop or reverse it. Cooper was just too heavy.

Dave's face was beet-red as he huffed and puffed through his bushy dwarf beard. "Dammit, Cooper! You've put on weight, you fat bastard!"

"We can exchange beauty critiques when I'm up there!" Cooper shouted back. "By the way, you assholes are moving the wrong direction."

Julian let go of the rope. "I've got an idea!"

"For fuck's sake!" said Tim, his hairy feet scrambling for purchase on the ground. "Could you think of an idea that doesn't involve letting go of the rope?"

Julian ran back to Dave and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Bull's Strength."

Dave stopped slipping. His leopard-furred forearm expanded like Popeye. His body grew inside his armor, challenging the integrity of his buckles.

"Gaaarrrr!" Dave shouted as he started stepping backward. The rope went taut, lifting Tim's tiny body off the ground. Dave moved like a steam locomotive in reverse. Five steps later, Cooper came climbing over the edge.

"Whew," said Cooper, wiping the sweat off of his giant sloped forehead. "That was a close one."

"No thanks to you, fucktard!" said Tim.

"How was I supposed to know how weak the ground was?"

Julian pulled at his long elf-ears. "Well you didn't have to go jumping on it like Wile E. Coyote!"

"Ah ha," said Cooper. He crossed his massive arms over his chest and looked smugly down at Julian. "You didn't let me finish. How was I supposed to know how weak the ground was until I tested it? Safety first."

"That's it," said Julian. "I'm going to kill you." He threw the right side of his serape over his shoulder, made a fist, and stepped toward Cooper.

Tim stepped in his way. "Cool it, man. Remember, it's not him. It's his Intelligence score."

"I almost died!"

"We've all almost died," said Tim. "Just take it easy and –"

"Is everyone okay?" said Ravenus, flapping in from above. His head moved left and right as he settled on the ground. "I seem to recall there being a tree here earlier."

"Where the hell have you been?" asked Julian.

"I was hunting," said Ravenus. "Killed me a squirrel, I did. Not much of a meal, I'm afraid. They have tiny eyes, and the rest of him won't be good to eat for a couple of days yet. When I felt you panicking, I came right away."

"If you're still hungry, Cooper said you could have his eyes."

Ravenus stared open-beaked at Cooper. "I say, that's very generous of him, but –"

"Just try it, Fucko," said Cooper. "And I'll be having roasted raven for dinner tonight."

"Just everybody calm down," said Dave. "We've just been through a traumatic experience, and we're all a little testy."

"Speak for your own little testes," said Cooper.

"Shut up, Cooper," said Tim. "Julian, have you chilled the fuck out yet?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," said Julian. "Sorry, Ravenus. You can't eat Cooper's eyes."

"Thank the gods," said Ravenus. "I didn't want to be rude, but he's revolting."

Tim and Dave giggled. Julian was impressed. He'd seen Ravenus tear into a week-old dead dog before, but even he was not immune to Cooper's low Charisma score.

Cooper frowned at Tim and Dave. "What did he say?"

"He said 'Aw, shucks'," said Julian.

Cooper gave Ravenus a satisfied grin. "Tough luck, bird."

"I'm sorry for losing my temper," Julian said to Cooper. "I'm still hungover from last night."

"Don't sweat it, dude. I know what you mean. I think I'm still a little drunk."

"I just can't drink like I could when I was human."

"That makes sense," said Dave. "Elves take a penalty to their Constitution scores. It's the same reason I can drink like ten times the amount any of you guys can. I feel fantastic."

"That's great," said Tim. "Maybe you can find us a better way off of this mountain than the one Cooper found."

"There was a stream not too far back," said Dave. "If we follow that, it should eventually lead to the Bluerun river, which will take us back to Cardinia."

Cooper frowned. "If we go back to the Whore's Head empty-handed again, Frank will put me back on werewolf duty. Where the hell are all the monsters at anyway? We've been wandering around all day."

"Don't worry," said Julian. "With any luck, we'll get attacked by evil leprechauns on the way home." He didn't know what worried him more. That his statement was only mildly laced with sarcasm, or that he was really starting to consider the Whore's Head Inn home.

The land here sloped so gently that they hadn't even realized they were at a dangerous elevation until he and Cooper nearly fell off a cliff. Dave had a knack for noticing slight variances in topography… something to do with him being a dwarf. He led the group to the stream he'd spoken of earlier. It wasn't much more than a trickle of water, but it flowed in a discernible direction, and that was the direction they followed.

About thirty minutes downstream, through the leafy curtain of some massive willow trees, the stream opened up into a lovely pool. About as wide around as Papa Joe's Pizza, including the parking lot, the surface was covered in a green, slimy film, and dotted with enormous white flowers. It was the sort of place you'd take a hippie chick if you A.) wanted to make sure you got laid, and B.) wanted to see that she had some kind of a wash first. It was so perfectly hidden by the willows that, had they not been following the stream, they would have missed it entirely.

"Oh my God," said Dave, his mouth an open cavern in his otherwise hairy face. The Bull Strength spell had worn off, and he was back to his normal size.

"I never would have thought something so beautiful could exist," said Tim.

Cooper blew a double-barrel yellowish-gray snot bubble from his upturned nostrils. "They should have sent a poet."

A film of green algae covered the surface of the water, punctuated here and there by some rather large flowers. Tim stepped toward the water, but Julian put a hand on his shoulder.

"What?" said Tim.

"You don't know how deep that water is."

"I can swim," said Tim. "You only need to make a skill check if you're fighting a current or being chased by monsters or something."

"But there could be anything in there," Julian insisted. "Sharks, krakens, dire trout."

"Where the fuck are sharks going to come from?" asked Cooper. "The pool is fed from a mountain stream."

Julian put his hands on his hips. "As if that would be the most nonsensical thing we've encountered in this stupid game."

"I don't know," said Dave. "Dire trout might actually take the cake."

Cooper picked Julian up and lifted him over his head.

"What the hell are you doing?" Julian cried.

"Fishing for dire trout," said Cooper as he threw Julian into the pool.

Julian only barely managed to throw his bag away before smacking into the water. It was only about knee-high. He sat up, exposing crystal clear water beneath the algae. He supposed that maybe his concern about sharks was a little silly after all. And he had to admit that it felt good to wash the shit off of his head. But that didn't make what Cooper did any less stupid or irresponsible.

"I have scrolls in my bag, you big idiot! What if they'd gotten wet?"

Cooper frowned. "Sorry."

"How's the water?" asked Dave, already beginning to unbuckle his armor.

"It's not bad," said Julian. "A little slimy on the surface, but clear and refreshing underneath."

"Awesome," said Tim, stripping off his vest, shirt, and pants. Julian averted his eyes and made a mental note to buy Tim some underwear. He'd seen all the tiny halfling dick he wanted to see.

Cooper waded in, tentatively at first, and then dove in with a huge belly flop. When he resurfaced, Julian threw a big glob of algae at his face.

Cooper wiped it off. "Oh you asked for it, elf!" Julian's heart quickened as Cooper rushed at him. Ravenus flew down and started pecking on Cooper's head.

"Ow!" Cooper shouted, trying to swat Ravenus away. "Call off your goddamn bird!"

"Ravenus, stop!" cried Julian. "We're only playing."

Ravenus disengaged from Cooper and perched on a willow branch. "Apologies, master. I felt genuine terror in your heart.

"That's just my survival instinct kicking in," said Julian. "I know in my heart that Cooper is my friend and would never hurt me, but when my brain sees a giant half-orc rushing toward me… um… it's sort of like riding a roller coaster."

"I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that term, sir."

"Of course not," said Julian. "Hmm… let's see. Back where we come from, we sometimes –"

"You guys!" said Tim. "Look at the size of this flower!" He was standing waist deep next to the biggest lily Julian had ever seen. It was a blend of pink and lavender, about the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. The pad it rested on would probably support the four of them.

"Is it a dire lily?" asked Julian.

"Don't be stupid," said Tim. "It's just a big flower."

"Not every oversized thing in this world is dire," said Dave, having finally shed all of his armor and wading into the pool. "Some things are just big. Oxygen levels or evolution or some shit like that."

"Thanks, professor," said Julian.

"Everyone shut up for a second," said Tim, pressing his ear against the giant flower. "It's humming."

With his long elf ears, Julian didn't need to be that close to hear the noise Tim was referring to. It sounded like a refrigerator. "Tim. Maybe you should step back."

"Why would a flower be humming?" Tim mused distractedly.

Julian, though already a probably-safe distance from the flower, took a step back. "I don't know, Tim. That's why I think you ought to –"

His words were lost in an explosion of pollen. The hum-level grew from refrigerator to Vespa-with-a-faulty-muffler as a five-foot long bee flew out of the flower.

"Jesus!" cried Tim, falling back on his bare ass. His head barely poked out of the water.

"Dire bee!" shouted Julian.

"Giant bee," said Dave.

"Oh shit!" said Julian as the bee lifted Tim out of the water. "Magic Missile!"

A golden bolt of energy blasted from his outstretched palm and hit the bee in its striped abdomen, spraying a cloud of pollen dust. The insect's buzz grew sharper as it darted straight up in the air.

"Dammit!" said Julian. He raised his arm toward the bee again. "Magic Miss—"

Next thing he knew, he was underwater with Cooper on top of him. He struggled briefly, but ineffectively, until Cooper finally got off him.

"Sorry, dude," said Cooper.

"What the fuck?" said Julian.

"They were too high," said Cooper. "If you killed the bee, Tim would have fallen to his –"

"Wait," said Julian.

Dave looked skyward. "Shouldn't we be going after –"

"Shut up for a second!" Julian snapped at him. He hoped that he'd imagined the sound, but it was still there, and growing louder. "Guys. Get your weapons."

"Huh?" said Cooper.

Julian sloshed through the water until he was on dry land. He picked up his quarterstaff. "Ravenus! Go after Tim. Do not attack the bee. Just follow it and report."

"Right away, sir!" said Ravenus. He spread his big black wings and took to the air.

"You two idiots get out of the water!" Julian shouted at Dave and Cooper.

Cooper scratched his armpit. "Why do you –"

"BEES!"

Five giant bees rose out of the surrounding lilies.

"Oh fuck!" said Cooper, stomping and splashing through the water.

Dave, even unencumbered by his armor, was a good deal slower than Cooper. Two of the bees caught up to him and planted their pointy asses into his wet and hairy one.

"Yaaaaaaaooooo!" Dave howled. The bees' wings stopped buzzing, and they fell dead in the water, leaving their stingers behind like daggers in Dave's ass.

"Nice going, Dave!" said Cooper. "You took down two all by yourself!"

"Oh, my ass." Dave whimpered. He closed his eyes and plucked the two stingers from his cheeks simultaneously.

Julian readied his quarterstaff home-run-derby-style for the bee which had homed in on him. His timing was perfect, and he smacked that bee right in its big stupid bee face.

The bee spun out of control through the air, disappearing through the willow branches. It was only out of sight for a second before it burst through the branches again, minus an eye and headed straight for Julian.

Julian threw his hand out toward it. "Buzz off!" he shouted as a Magic Missile flew from his open palm. The bee's head exploded and its body crashed to the ground at Julian's feet.

"Lame," said Cooper, swatting his axe at the two bees which had chosen him as their target.

"Let's see you do better," said Julian.

"Hmm…" said Cooper, ducking under a bee attack. "Okay, I've got one." He gripped his axe with both hands by the very bottom of the handle. "Two bees?" As the bees closed in, Cooper swung his axe sideways in a large arc, slicing straight through the face of the first bee and into the thorax of the other, killing them both instantly. "Or not two bees?" He looked at Julian and cocked an eyebrow. "That is the question."

Julian considered it. "Okay, that was good, but only applicable in a very specific –"

"Holy shit!" said Cooper. "Check out the ghetto booty on Dave."

Julian turned around. "Wha!" Dave's ass was purple and swollen, like he'd just come out of the OR after having two watermelons implanted in it. "Jesus, Dave. Are you okay?"

"I don't feel so hot."

"You look like shit," said Cooper. "Maybe you should sit down."

Dave glared at him.

"On second thought, that's probably not such a good idea."

"Cooper, you help Dave get his armor back on," said Julian. "I'm going after Tim." He waved his arm in a circle. "Horse!"

A black mare popped into existence before him, saddled and ready to ride. Julian secured his right foot in the right stirrup and hefted himself onto the horse. "Go, horse!"

The horse bolted forward, coming to a full gallop in a matter of seconds. As experienced a rider as Julian's elf character may have been, the real person inside was still unaccustomed to riding so fast on the back of such a large animal. He held the saddle horn with two white-knuckled hands while he tried to focus his mind on Ravenus. Fortunately, his empathic link with his familiar functioned like a GPS, and he was able to intuit the direction the bird was flying in. A few minutes later, he had visual contact.

Ravenus flew in wide circles around the struggling giant bee. The bee was flying slowly and erratically, but still very high. Julian guessed that while Tim was small enough for the bee to pick him up, he was still too heavy for it to make good time. The Magic Missile Julian had fired into its ass probably wasn't doing it any favors either.

As Julian followed, the bee began to descend. The little bastard must have been all tuckered out. When it got low enough, Julian would finish it off with one more Magic Missile, grab Tim, and get back to the others. Hopefully that would all occur before it reached its hive.

He followed the bee over one more hill and stopped his horse at the top. The bee was descending toward a deliberate destination, but it wasn't a hive. It was a cottage. Two things immediately stood out as being peculiar about this cottage. The first was that it appeared to be made entirely of stone, and the second was that it was huge. It was at least twice the size of what a normal cottage should be, complete with proportionally large windows and doors.

The bee's descent was toward the side of the house, where a series of large stone boxes, about the size of shipping containers, lay in a row. The stone boxes were surrounded by dozens of giant bees, some coming, some going, most just hovering around. Julian was about to just roll the dice with another Magic Missile when something – or someone – stepped out from the side of the house.

Whoever – or whatever – it was, it was easily twice as tall as Cooper, and maybe three times as tall as Julian. And it appeared to be wearing some kind of Hazmat suit.

Julian snapped his fingers, and the horse disappeared beneath him. He landed on his feet, but let himself fall the rest of the way down. This was not a time to go rushing in with naught but a quarterstaff and a few Magic Missiles. He stayed close to the ground and observed.

The huge man had a tiny metal bottle in his left hand. As he approached the stone boxes, he pulled the stopper out of the bottle, releasing a cloud of thick, white smoke. The bees coming in contact with the smoke stopped flying and settled down to sleep on the ground.

Having calmed the bees in the immediate vicinity, the man slid the lid off of one of the boxes and pulled back his meshed visor. His skin was as grey and rough as the stone his house was made from. He was completely bald. His eyes and cheeks were sunken, giving him a most severe face, like a statue of a king who had not enjoyed his reign. He dipped a gloved finger into the box. When he pulled it out again, it was coated in a thick golden –

"No fucking way," Julian whispered to himself, not believing what he was seeing. "A dire fucking beekeeper."

"Mmmm," said the beekeeper, licking his finger. "That's the stuff. Good work, little bees. You've outdone your—what's this?" His attention was on the bee carrying Tim. He held out one hand under the bee, and with the other hand he waved the smoking bottle around. The bee dropped Tim into the big man's palm and flew sluggishly into the open box. Tim started choking violently in the smoke until the beekeeper stoppered the bottle and blew the lingering smoke away.

"Great Ragnor!" said the beekeeper. Julian was too far away to be sure, but he thought the dude might be crying. "Greta! Come quickly!"

"I'm not going anywhere with all of those blasted bees buzzing around!" shouted a female voice from inside the cottage.

"Love of my life!" said the beekeeper. "The gods have heard our prayers, and they have answered!"

"Speak not idly of the gods, Thorak!" the voice inside the house snapped back at him. "I'll not have it in my house."

"My words are not idle, love," said Thorak, Holding Tim in his cupped hands and patting him gently on the head with his massive thumb. "Our dreams have come true! They have delivered us a child!"

The front door swung open and an equally huge grey-skinned person shook the ground as she stomped out. She was as bald as her husband, but her breasts were like boulders under her apron. This must be Greta.

"What blasphemy do you profane this house with? I tell you, I'll not tolerate –" She clapped her own hands over her mouth as she looked into her husband's. "Blessed be the gods! A little boy!"

"Oh ho ho!" cried the beekeeper. He really was crying now. Tears streaked down either side of his stony grey face. "He's made a little pee-pee right here in my hands!"

"So he has," said Greta. "Well bring him inside. We'll get him cleaned up and I'll wrap him in a fresh nappy. Then we'll see about feeding him."

Thorak's smile faltered briefly as he looked at Tim in his hands, but he beamed down at his wife with a broad smile which Julian thought might not be one hundred percent sincere.

When they brought Tim inside the massive cottage, Julian stood up and looked for Ravenus. He spotted the bird flying high in a tight circular holding pattern directly above the bee-boxes. Julian waved his arms and willed Ravenus to look his way. Shortly after, Ravenus flew down to him.

"Tim's in trouble," said Julian. "Those dire beekeepers think he's a child delivered by the gods."

"Those what, sir?" asked Ravenus.

"Dire beekeepers?"

"The stone giants, you mean?"

Julian's face flushed. "Yes, of course. Do you have any ideas?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," said Ravenus. "As I was flying around up there, I got to thinking. Fish tend to decompose much more rapidly than mammals. If you were to combine the two somehow – say, mash them up together into a paste – you might only have to wait a few hours before it's ready to eat. Maybe spread it on a crust of bread. Or just lap it up straight out of the –"

"I was talking about ideas on how to rescue Tim."

Ravenus lowered his head. "Oh, of course sir. A thousand pardons. No, I'm afraid I don't."

"Dammit," said Julian, tugging on his long ears. "Even with Cooper and Dave here, I don't think we could take those stone giants in a fight. They're way too big. And if they really believe that Tim is their child, Diplomacy isn't going to be much help either."

"If you don't mind me saying so sir," said Ravenus. "You're a very talented sorcerer. I don't think you always use your magic to its full potential. If you use your imagination, I bet you could –"

"Magic!" said Julian.

"Yes, sir," said Ravenus. "The point I was making is that sometimes we –"

"Shut up for a second. I want to check something out." He closed his eyes and muttered to himself. "Detect Magic." When he opened his eyes again, his vision was in black-and-white. He immediately turned toward the bee-boxes and found what he was looking for. The bottle which the stone giant had subdued the bees with glowed bright pink. He'd left it on top of the bee box.

Julian closed his eyes and shook the spell free from his head. "Ravenus, do you think you'd be able to pick up that bottle over there?"

"I wouldn't think so, sir. "There's not really a spot for me to wrap my talons around."

"It's too high for me to reach," said Julian. "We'll have to do this as a team."

"Have you thought of a plan then, sir?"

"Yes."

"Brilliant!"

Julian smiled. He really liked having Ravenus around. "Thank you. Now here's what we're going to do. I'm going to walk over there, slowly and quietly. The idea is to not let the stone giants hear me and not provoke the bees. When I'm in position, next to the big stone bee-box, you fly over and tip the bottle off the edge. I'll catch it, and we'll both meet back here. Got it?"

"No problem, sir!"

As Julian inched his way toward the massive stone bee box, the air smelled more and more strongly of hickory, which he assumed was from the lingering traces of bottled smoke. He paused whenever a bee flew too close. Proximity was a problem he was going to have to face anyway, though, as he was the one approaching their home.

The bees ignored him for the most part until he stepped within about twenty feet of the box. Then a trio of bees started buzzing past him more aggressively. He stood as still as the stone the boxes were made of as the bees sated their curiosity. They passed so close that he could feel the air move from their wings.

One of the three hovered directly in front of Julian. Its buzz seemed as loud as a riding lawn mower, and it made clicking, chittering sounds with its mouth. Julian didn't need to understand bee-speak to make a guess as to what this bee was trying to tell him. Back your elf-ass up. We would prefer not to leave vital parts of our anatomy inside you, but we will do just that if you step any closer to this box.

Julian conceded defeat. He had been outsmarted by three insects. His plan had failed. He was about to take a step back when Ravenus flew in and tipped the bottle off the top of the box. It landed on the grass below, and the stopper fell out. Smoke poured out and a thick cloud began to form. Ravenus started rolling the bottle toward him.

Julian held his breath and his eyes began to water as the cloud moved his way, but Ravenus's quick thinking had worked. The bee which had been interrogating Julian settled down on the grass for a nice little nap, and his two wingmen had flown away from the smoke. When it was within reach, Julian grabbed the bottle and sprinted back to his rendezvous spot on the hill. It wasn't as tiny up close as the giant had made it seem. It was a little bigger than a 3-Liter Coke bottle. Smoke continued to billow out of the top of the bottle, so Julian held it over his head as he ran so that he could breathe. He felt like a steam locomotive.

When he stopped at the rendezvous spot, holding the bottle over his head no longer had any effect. The smoke continued to pour out, surrounding him. He held his breath again, trying to cover the top of the bottle with his hand. The smoke ran right through his fingers. He turned the bottle upside-down and pushed the open end into the grassy earth. Still no good. Smoke was all around him, and his eyes were burning like sons of bitches. They would need to go back for the stopper. Ravenus could get it.

Julian called out, "Ra—haugh haugh blaugh haugh!" He choked, his oxygen-starved lungs sucking in enormous quantities of smoky air.

As an alternative to passing out and suffocating to death, Julian forced his legs into motion. He ran in a wide circle until his choking calmed down. Then he continued running as he scanned the skies for Ravenus. Where the hell was that bird? He stopped running when a small metal sphere fell out of the sky, thudding into the ground next to him.

"The hell?" Julian muttered before the ever-growing cloud of smoke forced him to hold his breath again. Picking it up, he discovered that the sphere was only the top of the object. It was connected to a cone, sort of like a child's drawing of an ice-cream cone. It took a few more seconds before his smoke-filled brain made the connection. He placed the stopper into the top of the bottle. It was a perfect fit. The air cleared and Julian let out a long sigh of relief.

"Thought you might need that," said Ravenus, flapping to the ground next to Julian.

"Well done, Ravenus."

"Now what's this plan of yours?"

Julian looked curiously at his familiar. "What are you talking about?"

"Your plan to rescue Tim," said Ravenus. "You said you had a plan."

"Oh no," said Julian. "I meant I had a plan to get this bottle. We just carried it out."

"Um…" Ravenus scratched at the ground with a talon. "And a finely executed plan it was, sir," he lied. "But what do we need the bottle for?"

"It's magical!" said Julian enthusiastically. "There must be a thousand and one uses for a continuously smoking bottle." His enthusiasm waned with each word of that sentence.

"Outside of bee subdual," said Ravenus, "I'm hard-pressed to think of one."

Julian frowned, looking at his newly acquired treasure. He'd find a use for it. They wouldn't bother including a magic item in the game if its only practical use was for beekeepers, would they?

"I with Cooper and Dave would hurry up. We need to work out a strategy."

"The stupid one will be along shortly," said Ravenus. "I saw him running this way while I was flying."

"Alone?" Julian stood up and looked eastward just in time to see Cooper's head rise above the crest of the next hill over. "Where's Dave?"

Ravenus shrugged his wings.

"Oh no!" cried Tim from inside the cottage. "Please, anything but that! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong –" The rest was muffled grunts.

Julian desperately wanted to run to Tim, but heading Cooper off was the safer option. If Cooper opened his big mouth and alerted the stone giants to their presence, it could mean death for all of them, Tim included. Also, Julian would need Cooper's help to be able to look in the window.

Holding a finger over his lips, he ran as fast as he could toward Cooper. They met in the shallow valley between the two hills.

"Where's Dave?" Julian asked.

"He's coming," said Cooper. "He's slow. What the fuck is that?"

"Huh?" Julian followed Cooper's gaze to the bottle in his hand. "Oh, it's a magic bottle. It makes smoke. I swiped it from a stone giant's house. I thought it might come in handy for rescuing Tim."

"Shit," said Cooper. "Tim got captured by stone giants?"

"More like adopted. They think he's their baby, delivered by the gods."

"That's fucked up, dude. Wait, so they're like a married couple?"

Julian shrugged. "I guess."

"And they don't know where babies come from?"

"I guess not."

"That's fucked up, dude."

"We should get to the cottage," said Julian. "I think they're torturing him or something."

Cooper put his hands on his hips. "Now that's just bad parenting."

They approached the side of the cottage as quietly as they could. Cooper wasn't particularly stealthy, but Julian felt confident that Tim's continuing grunts and protests would cover them well enough.

"Oh god stop!" cried Tim as Cooper and Julian stood beneath the window. "It's like Pepto Bismol and sand. I can't –" He was stifled again.

"Lift me up," whispered Julian. Cooper grabbed him by the waist and lifted him over his head. Julian took a tentative peek over the sill. Greta sat topless, facing away from the window, pressing Tim's face against her huge gray breast. Thorak rubbed her naked shoulders.

Tim's eyes met Julian's, and he let out a long, muffled groan. Julian put his finger over his lips and nodded.

"What's going on?" asked Cooper in what passed for a whisper for him.

"Shh!" Julian said, looking down at him. He whispered back, "She's breastfeeding Tim."

"No way!" said Cooper, letting go of Julian.

"Ow!" said Julian, his face hitting the window sill on the way down. He landed on his ass.

Cooper jumped up, grabbed the window sill, and pulled himself up to peek over. "Oh shit."

"Hey!" Thorak shouted from inside.

Cooper let go of the window sill. "Dude, I've got some bad news."

"You think?" Julian whispered harshly at him.

"What is it?" cried Greta. "What's happening?"

"Nothing to worry about, love," said Thorak. "Just a pervert. I'll take care of him." His voice seemed extra loud, as if he was giving them a warning, maybe a chance to run.

"Dude, come on," said Cooper. "We've got to go."

"No," said Julian. The seed of an idea began to take root in his head. "You've got to go. He didn't see me. Throw me up onto the roof and start hauling ass."

"But what about –"

"Dude. Don't think. Throw."

"Okay," said Cooper. He picked up Julian and tossed him underhandedly onto the roof. His ninety-five pound elf-body was nothing for Cooper's massive strength.

He landed surprisingly gently on the roof. Even more surprising was seeing Ravenus there staring back at him.

"Well isn't this nice, sir," said Ravenus. "I certainly wasn't expecting to see you up here."

"Keep it down," said Julian. "I'm hiding." He scooted back away from the edge of the flat stone roof and watched Cooper run away. A few seconds later, Thorak was in view chasing after him and carrying a huge, bulging sack. He would have caught up with any of the rest of them with ease, but Cooper had a Movement Bonus as part of the barbarian package. Julian silently congratulated himself on remembering that. He was getting the hang of this game.

"Sir?" said Ravenus.

"Okay, here's the plan," said Julian. "I'll sneak in through the kitchen window, hide this bottle somewhere, pull the stopper, and sneak back out. When the lady stone giant smells the smoke, she'll leave Tim behind to go investigate. Tim sneaks out of this window, and we all run like hell." He crossed his arms and stuck his chin out, proud of himself for coming up with a plan, and for thinking of a practical use for the smoking bottle. "What do you think?"

"If I may say so, sir," said Ravenus meekly. Mustering up his courage, he continued. "Your plan seems just a bit far-fetched."

"What are you talking about?" said Julian. "It's foolproof!"

"Let's, for the moment, take for granted that every part of your plan happens exactly the way you expect it will," said Ravenus. "Mind you, I'm not entirely convinced of that, but that's neither here nor there. How long do you think you'll have to run before she figures out that her baby is missing? She'll catch up to you in a matter of minutes. And what do you think she'll do to her son's kidnapper?"

"I'll admit you raise some thought-provoking questions," said Julian. A moment later, he added, "Shit."

As it turned out, Julian wouldn't have had the time to carry out his plan anyway. Thorak didn't chase Cooper very far. He reached into his sack and pulled out a boulder roughly the size of a beach ball. He hurled it at Cooper, who only just managed to duck out of the way before the huge, round rock exploded into a nearby outcropping.

"The next one's for your head, you filthy pervert!" the angry giant called out after Cooper. "Dishonor my wife again, and I'll make you into a stew!" He hefted his sack of rocks over his shoulder and trudged back toward his house.

Julian took cover behind the chimney. Just as Thorak was getting close enough to make Julian nervous, another figure crested the hill to the east. It was Dave, out of breath and naked from the waist down. He held his helmet over his junk, but his ass must have still been too swollen to don the lower half of his armor.

Upon seeing one another, Dave and Thorak paused in mutual disbelief.

"Jesus Christ!" said Dave.

"Another one!" Thorak growled. "Perverts everywhere!"

"Huh?" said Dave. He looked down at his helmet. "Oh, no. You don't understand. I was just –"

A boulder smashed into Dave's breastplate, sending him tumbling backwards down the hill and out of sight.

"What's become of this world?" Thorak grumbled to himself as he walked to the front door. The house shook when he slammed it behind him.

"Go see if Dave is okay," Julian said to Ravenus.

"Right-O!" said Ravenus as he flew off.

"Did you get rid of the perverts?" asked Greta.

"They won't be bothering you again anytime soon," said Thorak.

After hearing the ferocity with which the giant had shouted at Cooper and Dave, Julian only now picked up on how very gently he spoke to his wife.

"You didn't…" Greta started.

"No, love," said Thorak. "Of course not. We are not savages. Oh, but I gave them a warning they'll not soon forget."

"I'm worried about little Krum," said Greta. "He's not taking down much milk at all."

"You named him Krum!" said Thorak. His voice was positively jolly. "After my own father. What a lovely gesture!"

"Your father was always kind to me."

"He keeps spitting up on me. Do you think he's sick?"

There followed a sound like a plunger being pulled out of a clogged toilet, then a loud, liquid splat.

"Mayhap the gods sent him to us with a full stomach, so not to overburden us on our first day of parenthood."

"Oh!" said Greta. "They are wise and generous indeed!"

"Now why don't you go in the kitchen and wash up? I'll look after little Krum here." A moment later, he spoke again. His voice was quieter, sterner, and more direct. "Sit down. We haven't much time."

"Are you people crazy?" said Tim. His voice was raw and raspy. "I'm not what you think I am."

"I know what you are, halfling. Do you know that I rescued you from being devoured by the queen of my bees? 'Tis true! You owe me a debt, and I intend to collect." After a short pause, he continued. "You've been through an ordeal. You must be hungry. Here, have some cheese."

"Thank you," said Tim. His next words were a little muffled, which Julian guessed was due to a mouthful of cheese. "Look, I'm sorry for your recent loss, but I can't replace your child."

"You do not understand," said Thorak. "We have suffered no loss. My wife suffers from a condition which makes her unable to bear a child. It has maddened her with grief. She prays to the gods every night. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer so."

"Hold on," said Tim. "If the problem is a physical one, then why the fuck is she lactating?"

"Mind your tongue, halfling," said Thorak. His voice carried a not-so-subtle warning. "It's just one more symptom of the same condition. The gods can be cruelly ironic. True, 'tis a continuously painful reminder of our plight, but it makes for a fine cheese."

The sound that followed was either a paper bag full of marshmallows exploding or Tim spitting out a mouthful of cheese. Julian guessed the latter.

"Fucking hell, man!" said Tim. "You might want to give a guy a heads up before you feed him your wife's tit cheese!"

"Speak not such foul words under my roof! You are unfit to bear my blessed father's name!"

"I didn't ask for your fucking father's name," said Tim. "Just like I didn't ask to be dressed in a diaper or suck spackling paste from your batshit crazy wife's tit."

Tim was starting to lose his shit. Julian had seen this happen before. His little mouth was about to get him killed.

"I'm warning you, halfling!"

"Take your best shot, Kojak."

"Another word and I'll feed you to the queen bee myse—"

"What's all the commotion in here?" Greta had entered the room again.

"Our little Krum is cranky," said Thorak. "Perhaps it's time for a nap."

"Perhaps it's time for you to eat my ass, Daddy Warbucks," said Tim.

"Did he just call you Daddy?" said Greta.

"How is that the only word you heard, you crazy bitch!"

"On second thought," said Thorak. "Perhaps he's finally hungry."

That shut Tim up real quick.

"Would you look at that!" said Greta. "You were right, dear. He's all tuckered out. You've taken to fatherhood quite well."

There was some moving of furniture, and then Thorak spoke softly. Even with his improved hearing, Julian had to crawl closer to the window and strain his ears to hear.

"Now there's a good lad. Get some sleep. Daddy has to go to town on business for a couple of days. When I come back, maybe I'll teach you how to tend the bees."

"Oh, must you really leave today?" said Greta. "Our son has only just arrived."

"All the more reason for me to handle my affairs responsibly," said Thorak. "I'm not the only beekeeper in the realm. If I displease my customers, they'll get their honey from one of my competitors."

"But what if the perverts come back?" She didn't sound frightened exactly. If Julian had to guess, he'd say she almost sounded hopeful.

"I have shown them mercy once. The gods are appeased. Should they choose to ignore my warning, you may chop them up and feed them to the queen with a clear conscience."

The good news was that, if they waited a little while, there should be only one stone giant to deal with.

The bad news was that, even after encountering the group's two strongest fighters, the giants saw absolutely nothing in the way of a threat. The only concern Greta had with being left without her husband was a question of the morality of using them as bee food.

Julian sat back and sorted through his scrolls. He always kept a few extra Magic Missiles handy, but he'd already ruled those out. He had a Mage Armor, which he'd definitely use if it came to a fight, but it wasn't helpful in formulating a plan.

Grease? No.

Ventriloquism? No.

Mount? Always good for the getaway, but not so useful for the rescue.

Feather Fall? He'd be using that one shortly.

Enlarge Person? Hmm…. He might be able to enlarge Cooper, and then he could keep her busy while the rest of them ran off with Tim. No, that plan sucked. Judging by the size of the rocks that dude was throwing, even an enlarged Cooper would be no match for a stone giant. He'd just be swapping out Cooper for Tim, and Cooper was the sort of baby that a mother would just feed to the bees. Now if he had a Reduce Person, they might all be able to grapple with her, tie her up or something, and then make a break for it. But he didn't have one, so there was no point in dwelling on that.

Julian frowned as he rolled up the scrolls except for the Feather Fall and packed them back into his bag. Dave and Cooper were more experienced in this game. Maybe they would be able to come up with something.

He listened carefully for movement within the house. When he judged it safe enough to do so, he whispered the incantation to the Feather Fall spell. As he spoke them, the words disappeared from the parchment. He jumped off the roof, and his stomach lurched as he dropped at a conventional falling speed. He thought he'd screwed up, but five feet into his descent, the spell took effect, and he glided gently to the ground. He ran as fast as he could away from the stone giant house.

Julian scanned the uneven terrain for signs of his friends. As if reading his mind, Ravenus took to the air to serve as a beacon for Julian to locate Dave and Cooper. As Julian got closer to the position beneath Ravenus's holding pattern, he no longer required the bird's service. He could find their position by sound alone, because they were making a hell of a lot of it. Banging and clanging, as if they were trying to tunnel through stone with a frying pan.

He was almost right on top of them when he finally made visual contact. They were crouched down, hiding behind a five-foot outcrop. He winced at the sight of Dave's huge, purple ass. He was completely naked now, banging on something with a rock.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" asked Julian. "I could hear you a mile away."

Dave stopped his task. "I'm pounding out the dent that big bastard put in my breastplate."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, but it was close. I think my sternum was touching my spine."

"Ouch."

"I had to use up all of my Heal spells."

"All of them?"

"I've still got a couple of zero-levels left, but yeah. And, wouldn't you know, they didn't do a goddamn thing to bring down the swelling in my ass."

"Well I've got some good news," said Julian. "The husband is leaving tonight to go sell honey in town, so we only have the wife to deal with."

"Great!" said Dave. "Now it'll take a full twelve seconds for us all to die instead of six."

"Maybe try to be a little more constructive?" Julian suggested.

"We can't take on a stone giant," said Dave. "We simply aren't high enough level for that."

Julian opened his bag. "Then we'll have to think of something else."

As the sun descended toward the western horizon, Julian, Dave, Cooper, and Ravenus discussed different options, taking into account Julian's repertoire of spells and the magic smoke bottle. It wasn't exactly a Mensa meeting, though, and they didn't come up with much more than Julian had thought of on his own.

"Dave could stand in the doorway," said Cooper. "You cast Enlarge Person on him so that he gets stuck, blocking her exit. We grab Tim through the window and make a break for it."

"You're such an ass," said Dave.

"You're one to talk, J-Lo."

"Cooper!" said Julian. "That's brilliant!"

"The J-Lo thing? Thanks, but he kinda walked right into it."

"No, the Enlarge Person thing."

"You know what?" said Dave. "Fuck the both of you. Tim's in real trouble, and you guys have got nothing better to do than make fun of me?"

Julian ignored him. "Ravenus, fly back to the house and stake it out. As soon as the big guy leaves, come back and report."

"Roger that, sir!" said Ravenus, and he launched into the darkening sky.

While they waited, Julian shared his new idea with Dave and Cooper and the three of them worked out some of the kinks. It wasn't foolproof by any means, and would actually put them in a much worse situation if Julian's timing was off. But they all agreed it was the best chance they had.