[
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Space-Pilot-3000.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 101\n\n\"SPACE PILOT 3000\"\n\nBy\n\nDavid X. Cohen & Matt Groening\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Over the caption December 31st 1999 a crude spaceship flies\nthrough space, cruising over and under planets and a man speaks.]\n\nMAN\n(voice-over) Space. It seems to go on\nand on forever. But then you get to\nthe end and the gorilla starts throwing\nbarrels at you.\n\n[A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels\nat the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes.\nThe gorilla thumps its chest and \"Game Over\" flashes on the screen.\nThe spaceship and gorilla isn't real and the man, called Fry,\nwas playing an arcade game called \"Monkey Fracas Jr\". He is in\nhis mid-20s, wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two\ndistinct forks at the front. There is a little kid standing next\nto him. The game is against the wall in a pizzeria called Panucci's\nPizza.]\n\nFRY\nAnd that's how you play the game!\n\nKID\nYou stink, loser!\n\n[Mr Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans\nover the counter with a pizza box.]\n\nPANUCCI\nHey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!!\n\n[Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out.]\n\n[New York Street. Fry cycles past people enjoying their New Millennium\nEve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside.]\n\nFRY\nMichelle, baby! Where you going?\n\nMICHELLE\nIt's not working out, Fry. I put your\nstuff out on the sidewalk!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed.]\n\nFRY\nI hate my life I hate my life I hate\nmy life.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. He stops outside a building\nand locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain\nand steals his bike.]\n\nBIKE THIEF\nHappy new year!\n\n[Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th\nfloor. He knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics. A sign\nunderneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199[7]. No one opens\nthe door so Fry goes in.]\n\n[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights\non. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There\nare a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair\nin the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a\nwindow on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate\nman inside. He turns around.]\n\nFRY\nHello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?!\nAw, crud! I always thought at this point\nin my life I'd be the one making the\ncrank calls! Here's to another lousy\nmillennium.\n\n[He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.]\n\n[Cut to: Time Square. Crowds have gathered for the countdown.\n10 appears on a huge screen.]\n\nCROWD\nTen!\n\n[Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays 9.]\n\nCROWD\nNeuf!\n\n[Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with \"VIII\" on\nit.]\n\nCROWD\nOtto!\n\n[Cut to: Egypt. Egyptians crowd around the pyramids.]\n\nCROWD\nSabaa!\n\n[Cut to: Athens. People are gathered around the Parthelon.]\n\nCROWD\nEksi!\n\n[Cut to: Great Wall Of China.]\n\nCROWD\nWu!\n\n[Cut to: Taj Mahal.]\n\nCROWD\nChaar!\n\n[Cut to: African Village.]\n\nCROWD\nThathu!\n\n[Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays 2.]\n\nCROWD\nWu!\n\n[From space the whole planet sees in the new millennium.]\n\nCROWD\nOne!\n\n[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Fry unenthusiastically blows a party\nblower and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back.\nFry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he\nfalls he doesn't see the shadow of a small creature under the\ndesk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards\ninto cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically\nsets itself for 1000 years.]\n\nFRY\nWhat the?\n\n[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.]\n\n[Time Lapse.Days and nights and eventually years pass \u00e0 la The\nTime Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation\nis destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings\nspring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years\nlater and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disorientated,\nhe stumbles around and notices something to his right. He presses\nhis face against a large window and stares in awe.]\n\nFRY\nMy God! It's the future. My parents,\nmy co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never\nsee any of them again. Yahoo!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: In Color.]\n\n[Cryogenics Lab. Fry is still looking out of the window. The\ndoor opens and two shadows walk in.]\n\nMAN\n(dramatically) Welcome to the world\nof tomorrow!\n\n[The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians\nboth wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one is called Terry.\nHe is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other is called\nLou, a black haired Asian.]\n\nLOU\nWhy do you always have to say it that\nway?\n\nTERRY\nHaven't you ever heard of a little thing\ncalled showmanship? (dramatically)\nCome, your destiny awaits!\n\n[Applied Cryogenics Corridor. The technicians leave Fry outside\nthe Fate Assignment Officer's office.]\n\nLOU\nHave a nice future.\n\n[The door slides open.]\n\nFRY\nCool! Just like in Star Trek! Ow!\n\n[Cut to: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. A woman wearing a\nblack uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard.\nShe has purple hair held up in a ponytail.]\n\nWOMAN\nGood afternoon, sir. Name?\n\nFRY\nUh, Fry.\n\nWOMAN\nI'm Leela. Now it's New Year's Eve so\nI'd like to decide your fate quickly\nand get out of here.\n\nFRY\nCan I ask you a question?\n\nLEELA\nAs long as it's not about my eye.\n\nFRY\nUh...\n\nLEELA\nIs it about my eye?\n\nFRY\nSort of.\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nJust ask the question.\n\nFRY\nWhat's with the eye?\n\nLEELA\nI'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop\nthe subject.\n\nFRY\nCool, an alien! Has your race taken\nover the Earth?\n\nLEELA\nNo, I just work here.\n\n[Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp wishes people a Happy\nNew Year 3000. Leela follows his gaze.]\n\nFRY\nWait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?\n\nLEELA\nYep. It's December 31st 2999.\n\nFRY\nMy God, a million years!\n\nLEELA\nI'm sure this must be very upsetting\nfor you.\n\nFRY\nY'know, I guess it should be but actually\nI'm glad. I had nothing to live for\nin my old life. I was broke, I had a\nhumiliating job and I was beginning\nto suspect my girlfriend might be cheating\non me.\n\nLEELA\nWell, at least here you'll be treated\nwith dignity. Now strip naked and get\non the probulator.\n\n[Probulator Room. Fry lies on a metal table surrounded by lots\nof things designed to probe him. Leela puts a single lensed goggle\non and presses a button. Fry squeaks.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela tears off a printout and reads it while Fry\nstarts to get dressed.]\n\nLEELA\nInteresting. Your DNA test shows one\nliving relative. He's your great great\ngreat great great great great...\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is now fully dressed.]\n\nLEELA\n...great great great great great nephew.\n\nFRY\nThat's great! What's the little guy's\nname?\n\nLEELA\nProfessor Hubert Farnsworth.\n\n[She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is\nan old bald man who wears thick glasses.]\n\nFRY\nEurgh!\n\n[Fate Assignment Officer's Office. Leela types something on a\ncomputer.]\n\nFRY\nY'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the\nwhole future. I've been given a second\nchance and this time I'm not going to\nbe a total loser. What's that?\n\nLEELA\nYour permanent career assignment.\n\n[She turns the screen around to show him his career. \"Career:\nDelivery Boy\" is all that is written on the screen.]\n\nFRY\nDelivery boy? No! Not again! Please!\nAnything else!\n\n[He grabs Leela's hand.]\n\nLEELA\nTake your hands off me! You've been\nassigned the job you're best at just\nlike everyone else.\n\nFRY\nWhat if I refuse?\n\nLEELA\nThen you'll be fired...\n\nFRY\nFine!\n\nLEELA\n...out of a cannon into the Sun!\n\nFRY\nBut I don't like being a delivery boy.\n\nLEELA\nWell that's tough! Lots of people don't\nlike their jobs but we do them anyway.\nYou gotta do what you gotta do! Now\nhold out your hand, I'm gonna implant\nyour career chip. It'll permanently\nlabel you as a delivery boy.\n\n[She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end.]\n\nFRY\nKeep that thing away from me!\n\n[He gets up and runs out of the room.]\n\n[Cut to: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. He runs from the office\ninto another room.]\n\n[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Leela runs in after Fry and he dodges\nthe implant gun.]\n\nLEELA\nHold still, damnit. I don't have good\ndepth perception! You've got until\nthe count of five to let me out of here.\nOne...\n\n[In a flash she is frozen.]\n\nFRY\nSee you in a thousand years! You owe\nme one.\n\n[New New York Street. Fry runs out of the building and looks\nin awe at the sights around him.]\n\nFRY\nWhoa!\n\n[Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards\nadvertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked\nexcept for some strategically placed black bars. He looks up\nand sees people flying through a green tube overhead. He walks\naround a corner and finds an entrance to the tube. A pedestrian\nsteps in.]\n\nMAN #1\nJFK Jr. Airport.\n\n[The man is sucked up into the tube.]\n\nFRY\nCool! Um. Cross Town Express?\n\n[The tube sucks him up and he screams as he flies through it.\nPeople look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken\nacross the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and finally\nout the other end smack into a building. A man looks up from\nhis newspaper.]\n\nMAN #2\nPft! Tourist!\n\n[Time Lapse. A hover-car flies over a line of traffic on the\nroad and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and\nsees a line of people outside a small grey booth.]\n\nFRY\nHey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew.\nWow, a real live robot! Or is that\nsome kind of cheesy New Year's costume?\n\nROBOT\nBite my shiny metal ass.\n\n[Fry looks around at the robot's ass.]\n\nFRY\nIt doesn't look so shiny to me.\n\nROBOT\nShinier than yours, meatbag!\n\n[Fry steps into the phone booth. He overlooks the important sign\noutside that differentiates it from normal phone booths. It is\nactually a suicide booth.]\n\n[Cut to: Suicide Booth. Fry presses a button and nothing happens.\nThe robot steps in behind him.]\n\nROBOT\nListen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here.\nLet's try for a twofer!\n\n[He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again\nand chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks.]\n\nBOOTH VOICE\nPlease select mode of death: \"Quick\nAnd Painless\" or \"Slow And Horrible\".\n\nFRY\nYeah, I'd like to place a collect call.\n\nBOOTH VOICE\nYou have selected: \"Slow And Horrible\".\n\nROBOT\nGreat choice! Bring it on, baby!\n\n[Fry screams.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The robot is getting impatient.]\n\nROBOT\nC'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the\nway, my name's Bender!\n\n[He holds out his hand.]\n\nFRY\nHelp! What's happening?\n\n[The sharp things lunge at them. Fry pushes Bender to the side\nof the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and\nfinally return to behind the hatch.]\n\nBOOTH VOICE\nYou are now dead. Thank you for using\nStop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide\nbooth since 2008.\n\n[Cut to: New New York Street. Fry runs out gasping.]\n\nBENDER\nLousy stinking rip-off! Well I didn't\nhave anything else planned for today.\nLet's go get drunk!\n\n[Cryogenics Lab. The timer on Leela's chamber runs out. The door\nopens and she defrosts.]\n\nLEELA\n...two, three -- Hey!\n\nTERRY\n(dramatically) Welcome to the world\nof tomorrow!\n\nLEELA\nShut up, Terry.\n\n[Ipgee's Office. Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she\nstands in front of it.]\n\nIPGEE\nThis is unacceptable, Leela. You must\nfind this Mr. Fry and install his chip.\n\nLEELA\nLook, he's just a nobody who doesn't\nwant to be a delivery boy. I'd really\nrather not force it on him.\n\nIPGEE\nWell that's your job, whether you like\nit or not and it's my job to make you\ndo your job whether I like it or not\n- which I do - very much! Now get to\nwork! Life is good!\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry and Bender are sat at the bar. Bender drinks\na bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor.]\n\nFRY\nWhy would a robot need to drink?\n\nBENDER\nI don't need to drink, I can quit anytime\nI want! So they made you a delivery\nboy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job.\n\nFRY\nReally? What do you do Bender?\n\nBENDER\nI'm a bender. I bend girders, that's\nall I'm programmed to do.\n\nFRY\nYou any good at it?\n\nBENDER\nYou kidding? I was a star! I could bend\na girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32\ndegrees, you name it! (unsure) 31. (normal)\nBut I couldn't go on living once I found\nout what the girders were for.\n\nFRY\nWhat?\n\nBENDER\nSuicide booths! Well, Fry, it was a\npleasure meeting you, I'm gonna go kill\nmyself.\n\n[He gets up.]\n\nFRY\nWait! You're the only friend I have!\n\nBENDER\nYou really want a robot for a friend?\n\nFRY\nYeah, ever since I was six.\n\nBENDER\nWell, OK. But I don't want people thinking\nwe're robo-sexuals, so if anyone asks,\nyou're my debugger.\n\n[Fry looks out the window and sees Leela.]\n\nFRY\nOh, no, it's the Cyclops! Don't look!\nDon't look!\n\nBENDER\nI'm not looking!\n\n[His eyes zoom in to Leela.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Street. Leela shows Fry's photo to a man.\nThe man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off.\nLeela talks into her wrist communicator.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up.\n\n[The cops, Smitty the human and URL the robot, are standing right\nbehind Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator.]\n\nSMITTY\nWe'll be there in five minutes.\n\n[Outside Head Museum. Bender stops Fry outside the building.]\n\nBENDER\nWe can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays.\n\n[He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him.]\n\n[Cut to: Head Museum. Hundreds of heads in jars are stacked on\nshelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the\nmiddle of one of the rooms.]\n\nNIMOY\nWelcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard\nNimoy.\n\nFRY\nSpock? Hey! Do the thing!\n\n[He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles.]\n\nNIMOY\nI don't do that anymore.\n\nFRY\nThis is unbelievable! What do you heads\ndo all day?\n\nNIMOY\nWe share our wisdom with those who seek\nit. It's a life of quiet dignity.\n\n[Enter a woman.]\n\nWOMAN\nFeeding time!\n\n[She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar.\nNimoy eats what comes out.]\n\n[The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and\nURL.]\n\nLEELA\nHmm.\n\n[She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a shelf\nin amongst other assorted heads.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install\nyour career chip.\n\nFRY\nYeah, well, if you're sorry why are\nyou doing it?\n\nLEELA\nIt's my job. You gotta do what you gotta\ndo!\n\n[Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents\non it.]\n\nLEELA\nWatch it!\n\n[Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashes.]\n\nNIXON\nThat's it! You just made my list!\n\n[He jumps up and starts biting Fry's arm.]\n\nFRY\nOw! Stoppit! Down boy! Bad president!\n\n[Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off.]\n\nSMITTY\nAlright, buddy, step away from the head!\n\n[Fry and Bender put their hands up.]\n\nURL\nI'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!\n\n[They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nPlease, officers, there's no need to\nuse force.\n\nURL\nLet us handle this, weirdy.\n\n[He hits Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, come on, he's just a poor kid from\nthe Stupid Ages.\n\nSMITTY\nKeep your big nose out of this, eyeball!\n\nLEELA\nNo-one makes fun of my nose.\n\n[She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in\na room.]\n\nURL\nDamn!\n\nLEELA\nYou guys were totally out of control.\n\nSMITTY\nIt's our job. We're peace officers.\n\nURL\nYeah, you know the law: You gotta do\nwhat you gotta do.\n\n[Leela considers.]\n\n[Head Museum Hall Of Criminals. Bender locks the door.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, we're trapped!\n\n[Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars\nacross it.]\n\nFRY\nWait a second. You're a bender, right?\nWe can get out of here if you just bend\nthe bars.\n\nBENDER\nDream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed\nto bend for constructive purposes. What\ndo I look like, a de-bender?\n\nFRY\nWho cares what you're programmed for.\nIf someone programmed you to jump off\na bridge would you do it?\n\nBENDER\nI'll have to check my program...yep.\n\nLEELA\nOpen up!\n\nFRY\nC'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make\nyour own decisions in life. That's what\nseparates people and robots from animals...and\nanimal robots.\n\nBENDER\nYou're full of crap, Fry! You make\na persuasive argument, Fry.\n\n[He starts to bend the bars.]\n\nFRY\nCome on, Bender! You can do it.\n\nBENDER\nCan't...I...can't...do...it!\n\n[The bars bend and break off completely.]\n\nFRY\nYes!\n\nBENDER\nYou were right, Fry! From now on I'm\ngoing to bend what I want, when I want,\nwho I want! I'm unstoppable!\n\n[His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without\nany help.]\n\nFRY\nI don't know how you did that.\n\n[Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the\nwindow.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Head Museum. Fry runs off and Bender bends the\nbars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and\nLeela reaches out through the bars.]\n\nLEELA\nWait!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) No, thanks.\n\n[Cut to: Alley. Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a\ndrain below them with a grate over the top.]\n\nBENDER\nLooks like one of us will have to bend\nthis grate.\n\n[He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender sighs and\nthey climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and\nbends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry.]\n\n[Ruins Of Old New York. Fry and Bender step off the ladder and\nlook over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city\nfrom Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and\nrubble litter the streets and holes in the roof let in a few\nshafts of light, giving the place and eerie atmosphere.]\n\nFRY\nGood Lord! What is this?\n\nBENDER\nIt's the decaying ruins of Old New York.\nWelcome home, pal!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Bender walk down an old ruined street.]\n\nFRY\nIts my old neighbourhood. Man, this\nbrings back a lot of memories.\n\nBENDER\nKeep 'em to yourself, pops.\n\n[Cut to: Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink. Fry leans\nover a wall.]\n\nFRY\nThis is where I brought my girlfriend\non our very first date.\n\n[Flashback. Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice.]\n\n[Flashback ends. The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters\ninhabited by a green tentacled creature.]\n\nFRY\nMy God! She's gone. Everyone I ever\nknew or cared about is gone.\n\nBENDER\nWait! There's someone you know!\n\n[He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun.]\n\nFRY\nOh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable\nenough already.\n\nLEELA\nLook, I know it's not much consolation\nbut I understand how you feel.\n\nFRY\nNo, you don't. I've got no home, no\nfamily...\n\n[Bender leans in behind him.]\n\nBENDER\nNo friends.\n\nFRY\n...My whole world is gone. You can't\npossibly understand what it feels like\nto be so alone.\n\nLEELA\nI understand. I'm the only one-eyed\nalien on this whole planet. My parents\nabandoned me here as a baby and I don't\neven know what galaxy they were from.\nI know how it feels to be alone.\n\nFRY\nLook, Leela, I don't understand this\nworld but you obviously do, so I give\nup. If you really think I should be\na delivery boy, I'll do it. Your chip.\nWhat are you doing?\n\nLEELA\nQuitting.\n\nFRY\nWhy?\n\nLEELA\nBecause I've always wanted to. I just\nnever realised it before I met you.\n\n[She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on\ntop.]\n\nFRY\nWhat is the matter with you?\n\n[Bender quickly takes his hand off.]\n\nBENDER\nI just wanted to be part of the moment.\n\nLEELA\nHey, he stole my ring!\n\nBENDER\nSorry. Well, that solves the mystery\nof the missing ring. This calls for\na drink.\n\n[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles\nof beer...and drinks them all himself.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't wanna spoil the party but we're\nall job deserters now. We're unemployed\nand we have nowhere to go.\n\nFRY\nCorrection. We're unemployed but we\nhave a doddering old relative to mooch\noff of.\n\n[He holds up the picture of Farnsworth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Professor Farnsworth is\nasleep in his chair. The TV is on and Dick Clark's head presents\nand a programme.]\n\nCLARK [ON TV]\nHello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome\nto a special year 3000 edition of New\nYear's Rockin' Eve!\n\n[The crowds around him cheer. The doorbell rings and Farnsworth\nwakes up.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Farnsworth opens the door to\nFry, Bender and Leela.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWho are you?\n\nFRY\nI'm your dear old Uncle Fry.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI don't have an Uncle Fry.\n\nBENDER\nYou do now!\n\n[He pushes Farnsworth back inside.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Farnsworth and Fry are\nhooked up to a DNA machine. It dings and a red light flashes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBy God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely\nincredible!\n\nBENDER\nCan we have some money?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my, no.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four walk in.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLet me show you around. That's my lab\ntable and this is my work-stool. And\nover there is my intergalactic spaceship!\nAnd here's where I keep assorted lengths\nof wire.\n\n[He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the\nhangar.]\n\nFRY\nWhoa! A real live spaceship!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI designed it myself. Let me show you\nsome of the different lengths of wire\nI used.\n\nSMITTY\nAttention, job deserters! Come out\nwith your hands up. We have you partially\nsurrounded.\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nFRY\nNo!\n\n[Bender literally shits a brick.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Smitty holds Nixon's head in\na jar. The glass is cracked and taped in places.]\n\nNIXON\nGet those bums!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, we're boned!\n\nLEELA\nCan't we get away in the ship?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI suppose it is technically possible.\nThough I am already in my pyjamas.\n\n[Fry and Leela run towards the ship and Bender carries Farnsworth\nunder his arm.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front\nof a control panel.]\n\nFRY\nI'll get us out of here.\n\n[He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens\nin the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills\nit with coffee.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCan anyone drive stick?\n\nLEELA\nI can. As long as I don't have to parallel\npark.\n\n[She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes\ndown a lever.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Klaxons beep and a huge piece\nof machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire\nhangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. There are now many peace officers\nall armed with laser rifles stationed outside. URL sees the roof\nopen.]\n\nURL\nIf they try to take off, give 'em an\nass-ful of laser.\n\n[Smitty nods.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nPrepare for lift-off. Ten.\n\n[Cut to: Time Square.]\n\nCROWD\nNine!\n\n[Cut to: Egypt. The future pyramids now rotate in mid air.]\n\nCROWD\nAmania!\n\n[Cut to: Paris.]\n\nCROWD\nSeven!\n\n[Cut to: Alien Ship.]\n\nALIENS\n(in alien) Six.\n\n[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Lou sits in an open pod and Terry raises\na glass.]\n\nTERRY\n(dramatically) Five!\n\n[Cut to: Head Museum. Leonard Nimoy is wearing a party hat.]\n\nNIMOY\nFour.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Bender and Farnsworth are sat on\na couch at the front of the cockpit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThree.\n\nBENDER\nTwo.\n\n[He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch.]\n\nLEELA\nOne!\n\nFRY\nBlast-off!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]\n\n[Cut to: Times Square. People cheer in the new millennium and\nfireworks explode all over the city. \"3000\" is projected onto\nthe moon and the ship flies between the fireworks.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nNIXON\nFire! Fire!\n\n[The peace officers fire their laser gun randomly into the air.]\n\nSMITTY\nI can't see nothing. Pretty though!\n\n[The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly\nmiss it.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship clears New New York airspace,\nflies through the atmosphere and heads through the solar system.\nEveryone cheers.]\n\nFRY\nSo I guess without jobs, we'll be fugitives\nforever.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot necessarily. Are you three, by any\nchance, interested in becoming my new\nspaceship crew?\n\nBENDER\nNew crew? W-What happened to the old\ncrew?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf those poor sons of -- but that's\nnot important. The important thing is\nI need a new crew. Anyone interested?\n\nFRY\nYes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've\nalways wanted!\n\nLEELA\nThanks for the offer, Professor, but\nwe don't have the proper career chips.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, that won't be a problem. As luck\nwould have it I saved the chips from\nmy previous crew.\n\n[He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked \"Contents\nOf Space Wasps Stomach\".]\n\nFRY\nThis is awesome! Are we gonna fly through\nspace fighting monsters and teaching\nalien women to lurve?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIf by that you mean \"transporting cargo\"\nthen yes. It's a little home business\nI started to fund my research.\n\nFRY\nCool! What's my job gonna be?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou will be responsible for ensuring\nthat the cargo reaches its destination.\n\n[The smile fades from Fry's face.]\n\nFRY\nSo, I'm gonna be a delivery boy?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nExactly!\n\n[Fry thinks for a moment but doesn't seem to mind.]\n\nFRY\nAlright! I'm a delivery boy!\n\n[He waves his hands in the air and the ship flies on.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Series-Has-Landed.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 102\n\n\"THE SERIES HAS LANDED\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around\na big green table facing a big screen which Farnsworth stands\nin front of.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAs new employees I'd like your opinion\non our commercial. I paid to have it\nair during the Superbowl.\n\nFRY\nWow!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot on the same channel, of course.\n\n[He puts a tiny video into the VCR and the commercial appears\non the screen. A man is sat in his office and a huge green horrible\ngelatinous blob with three eyes is in front of him.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nInterplanetary deliveries - what a\nheadache!\n\nMAN\nUh... (shouting) I'm not Evans!\n\n[Horrible Gelatinous Blob turns to the camera.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nWhen those other companies aren't brave\nor foolhardy enough to go, trust Planet\nExpress for reliable, on time delivery.\n\n[As the announcer speaks the Planet Express ship streaks across\nthe screen being chased by spaceships shooting lasers at it.\nA man runs across an ice world with a parcel while at the same\ntime being bombed. He delivers the parcel and is snatched by\na gigantic vulture. Back in the office Evans lifts up a parcel.]\n\nEVANS\nHere's your package, Mr. Horrible Gelatinous\nBlob.\n\n[He eats Evans anyway.]\n\nEVANS\nThank you, sir!\n\n[The Planet Express logo - a simplified picture of the ship flying\nacross a white circle with \"Planet Express\" written around it\n- appears on the screen.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nPlanet Express: Our crew is replaceable.\nYour package isn't.\n\n[The bird is still carrying the man and squawks. The commercial\nends.]\n\nFRY\nAre there really giant birds like that?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, no! That was all just special effects!\nNow let's have breakfast. I hope everyone\nlikes eggs.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Farnsworth opens a box of eggs.\nThey are giant bird eggs. One hatches and the bird inside tries\nto eat him. He hits it with a frying pan.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: In Hypno-Vision.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. A Jamaican man with dreads crosses the\nstreet. He is wearing a green suit and glasses. He unlocks the\ndoor and turns the open sign around from \"Sorry, We're Closed\"\nto \"Sorry, We're Open\".]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express. Meeting Room. Fry, Bender, Farnsworth\nand Leela are sat around the table. Fry pours some cereal into\na bowl, Bender relaxes and Leela looks at a clipboard.]\n\nFRY\nI'm never going to get used to the 31st\ncentury. Caffinated bacon? Baconated\ngrapefruit? Admiral Crunch?\n\nLEELA\nWell, if you don't like that try some\nArchduke Chocula.\n\n[She holds up a box of the cereal. Enter the Jamaican man with\na large crate.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, Hermes! Crew, meet Hermes Conrad.\nHe manages my delivery business, pays\nthe bills, notifies next of kin, what\nhave you.\n\nHERMES\nSomeone come and dropped this package\nthrough the slot last night. Now which\none of you is the captain?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my! I haven't picked a new captain\nyet. It's always so hard to choose.\n\n[He looks around the table. Fry is so enthusiastic he doesn't\nmanage to swallow his spoonful of cereal completely and milk\ndribbles down his chin.]\n\n[Farnsworth looks at Bender who drinks back a bottle of beer\nand belches a flame. He looks at Leela. She has already signed\nHermes' clipboard and she salutes to him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm, you!\n\n[He points at her. Fry groans.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes sits at his desk facing\nLeela. He slides a sheet of paper to her.]\n\nHERMES\nOK, Captain, this is just a standard\nlegal release protecting Planet Express\nfrom lawsuits in the event of the unforeseen.\n\n[He hands Leela a piece of paper.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) Death by airlock failure.\n\nHERMES\nMmm.\n\nLEELA\n(reading) Death by brain parasite.\n\nHERMES\nYeah.\n\nLEELA\n(reading) Death by sonic diarrhoea?\n\nHERMES\n(chuckling) Oh, you don't want that!\n\nLEELA\nLook, I don't know about any of your\nprevious captains but I intend to do\nas little dying as possible.\n\n[She puts the form on the desk and Hermes chuckles again. He\nslides it back to her.]\n\nHERMES\nSign the paper!\n\n[Planet Express: Corridor. Farnsworth and Fry stand next to a\ndoor.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow Fry, before you go into space you'll\nneed to see our staff doctor. I should\nwarn you though, he's a little unusual.\n(whispering) He wears sandals!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. The doctor, a red\nalien creature is sat in his chair with is feet on the desk.\nBehind him is a chart of a human's internal organs - pinned to\nthe wall upside down.]\n\nFRY\nHi -- eurgh!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDr. Zoidberg, this is Fry, the new delivery\nboy. He needs a physical.\n\nZOIDBERG\nExcellent, excellent!\n\n[He clacks his claws. Fry is not so sure.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou'll be fine.\n\n[He turns to leave but looks back with a worried look on his\nface.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nNow open your mouth and let's have a\nlook at that brain. No no no no no\nnot that mouth!\n\nFRY\nI only have one.\n\nZOIDBERG\nReally?\n\n[He takes a small card out of his pocket and looks at it.]\n\nFRY\nUh, is there a human doctor around?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYoung lady, I'm an expert on humans.\nNow pick a mouth, open it and say...\nWhat? My mother was a saint! Get out!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is unscrewing Bender's\nhead from his body. With them is Leela and a young Asian woman\nwearing a pink jumpsuit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear Lord, Bender, you're filthy.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, like you don't have crap in your\nneck!\n\n[Farnsworth puts Bender's head down on a table and turns to the\ngirl.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAmy, why don't you give his body a going\nover with the cleaning pick?\n\nAMY\nOK. Does it hurt when I go like this?\n\n[She pokes Bender's neck but hits Leela in the eye instead.]\n\nLEELA\nOw!\n\nBENDER\nA little.\n\n[Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nWell, the doctor says I'm as healthy\nas a crab. Can I go into space now?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAs soon as we finish cleaning Bender.\nOh, and Fry, this is our intern, Amy\nWong. She's an engineering student of\nmine. (whispering) I like having her\naround because she's the same blood\ntype as me.\n\nAMY\nHey! You're the unfrozen guy! From the\n20th century, right?\n\nFRY\n(chuffed) Last time I checked.\n\nLEELA\nHang on. Amy Wong? Of the Mars Wongs?\n\nAMY\nLook. We're not as rich as everybody\nsays.\n\nLEELA\nUh-huh! What sorority do you belong\nto?\n\nAMY\n(ashamed) Kappa Kappa Wong.\n\nBENDER\nHey, rich girl. Look over here! It's\nme, Bender. I'm being entertaining.\n(singing) La la la look at my head.\nIt's all painted look at my head! I\ngot a big old head, hey! Ho! (talking)\nAlright, show's over, I'm tired.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, to be young again. And also a robot!\nNow as I recall you youngsters have\na package to deliver.\n\nFRY\nFinally! Come on Bender, let's mosey!\n\n[He picks up Bender's head and throws it to his body. It misses\nthe catch and Bender's head falls on the floor.]\n\nBENDER\nNice catch, idiot!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The crate is being loaded into the ships\ncargo bay on a magnetic winch. It is addressed to Luna Park.]\n\nFRY\nSo where are we going anyway?\n\nLEELA\nNowhere special. The moon.\n\nFRY\nThe moon? The moon moon? Wow! I'm gonna\nbe a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong\nand those other brave guys no one ever\nheard of!\n\nAMY\nOh, I love stuff like the moon! Can\nI come, Leela?\n\nLEELA\nWell...I guess so. Just be careful.\nI'd like to hold off any major screwups\nuntil at least my second day as captain.\n\nFANSWORTH\nNothing will go wrong. (whispering)\nIf something goes wrong bring back the\nblood.\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Bender and Amy are sat on the couch. Leela sits\nin the pilot's seat while Fry sits in a chair beside her. She\npresses some buttons.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The tilting mechanism comes\nout of the floor and pushes the ship into its 45-degree launch\nposition.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar roof slides open.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry scoots his chair over to Leela.]\n\nFRY\nCan I do the countdown?\n\nLEELA\nHuh? Oh sure, knock yourself out.\n\nFRY\nTen......nine --\n\nLEELA\nOK we're here!\n\nFry; (awestruck) Eightsevensixfivefourthreetwooneblastoff!\n\n[The ship cruises towards the moon and flies through a hole in\na dome on the surface.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Luna Park. The ship lands.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela takes the keys out of the ignition\nand Fry gets out of his seat and heads for the door.]\n\nFRY\nHurry up, I wanna see the moon!\n\nLEELA\nRelax, its open till 9.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. Fry stands on the bottom step.]\n\nFRY\nThat's one small step for Fry --\n\nMAN\nAnd one giant line for admission!\n\n[The man is standing in a long queue for the Luna Park, a huge\nDisneyland-like place with moon-themed rides.]\n\nFRY\nWow! Um, can I have cuts?\n\nMAN\nHmm -- No!\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry runs in.]\n\nFRY\nYou're not gonna believe this but they\nlanded an amusement park on the moon!\n\nAMY\nGuh! It's the happiest place orbiting\nEarth.\n\nFRY\nLets go, already!\n\n[They walk towards the door but Leela is blocking it.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, we have a crate to deliver.\n\nFRY\nLet's just dump it in the sewer and\nsay we delivered it.\n\nBENDER\nToo much work. Lets burn it and say\nwe dumped it in the sewer.\n\nLEELA\nOK, if everyone's finished being stupid\n--\n\nFRY\nI had more but you go ahead.\n\nLEELA\nWe'll deliver that crate like professionals\nand then we'll go home.\n\nFRY\nBut I've never been to the moon before.\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright. We'll deliver that crate like\nprofessionals...and then we'll go ride\nthe bumper cars. Amy, why don't you\nhelp Fry hoist down the crate. Then\nlock up when you're done. Just be careful.\n\n[She hands the keys to Amy.]\n\nAMY\nAye, aye, Captain! I mean only one eye.\nI mean, yes, sir, um, ma'am!\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. Fry stands next to the crate by the open bomb\nbay doors while Amy stands at the magnetic winch control station.]\n\nAMY\nClear?\n\nFRY\nClear!\n\nAMY\nReady to hoist?\n\nFRY\nReady!\n\n[Amy presses a button and the winch drops and hits her on the\nhead.]\n\nAMY\nOw!\n\n[The magnetic forces pull the keys out of her pocket. She tries\nagain and the winch picks up the crate. The keys slip off the\nwinch and through a hole in the crate.]\n\n[Outside Luna Park Receiving Depot. Fry wheels the crate towards\nthe room on a trolley. Amy follows.]\n\nFRY\nMy first space delivery.\n\n[Cut to: Luna Park Receiving Depot. A lazy man named Sal is sat\nat a desk with his feet up. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nUh, greetings, Moon Man, we come in\npeace. I am Fry from the planet Earth.\n\nSAL\nWise guy, huh? If I wasn't so lazy I'd\npunch you in the stomach.\n\nFRY\nBut you are lazy, right?\n\nSAL\nOh, don't get me started.\n\n[Luna Park: Moon Street USA. The crew walk past a band of bandbots\nthat are shaped like musical instruments, past a Moonvenirs stall.\nBender stops and takes a bottle out of his chest cabinet and\na mascot with a huge flat moon shaped head runs up behind him.]\n\nCRATER FACE\nHi, I'm Crater Face! Welcome to Luna\nPark. I'll have to confiscate your alcohol,\nsir.\n\nBENDER\nBetter mascots than you have tried.\n\n[He finishes the bottle and jabs it in Crater Face's eye making\nit look like a scene from A Trip To The Moon. He leaves..]\n\nCRATER FACE\nAt least I still have my self respect!\n\n[He chuckles to himself then cries.]\n\n[Time Lapse. At a souvenir stall they merchandise such as \"I'm\nWith Stupid On The Moon\" t-shirts, \"My Other Car Is A Porsche\n- On The Moon\" bumper stickers and \"What Part Of MOON Don't You\nUnderstand?\" fridge magnets. Leela scoffs.]\n\nLEELA\nWho buys this trash?\n\nBENDER\nIdiots who need gifts for other idiots.\n\n[Fry emerges from around the corner wearing one of the t-shirts\nand carrying magnets.]\n\nFRY\nHey, I got you guys refrigerator magnets.\n\n[He puts one on Bender's head causing Bender's pupils to dilate\nand an electrical surge in his head. He starts waving his arms\naround in a panic.]\n\nBENDER\nGet it off! Get it off! Get it -- uh\noh! (singing) How many roads must a\nman walk down, before you... (talking)\nKeep those things off of me! Magnets\nscrew up my inhibition unit!\n\nFRY\nSo you flip out and start acting like\nsome crazy folk singer?\n\nBENDER\nYes. I guess a robot would have to be\ncrazy to wanna be a folk singer.\n\n[He gazes upwards sadly.]\n\n[Luna Park: Whalers Of The Sea Of Tranquility. The gang float\nthrough an It's A Small World After All-like ride passing by\nrobotic whalers.]\n\nWHALERBOTS\n(singing) We're whalers on the moon,\n\nWe carry a harpoon,\n\nBut there ain't no whales so we tell our tall tale\n\nAnd sing our whaling tune!\n\n[A Whalerbot tilting on a barrel waves to Bender.]\n\nWHALERBOT\nBender, hey, Bender! Over here!\n\n[Bender covers his face and turns away.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, jeez, I went to high school with\nthat guy!\n\n[Luna Park: Goophy Gopher Revue. The audience sit patiently for\nthe show to begin.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nMonsanto presents: The Goophy Gopher\nRevue!\n\n[On a small stage several robotic gophers pop out of crater-shaped\nholes.]\n\nGOPHER #1\nWhy does a moon rock taste better than\nan Earth rock?\n\nGOPHER #2\nBecause it's a little meteor!\n\n[The gophers laugh.]\n\nFRY\nThis is weak!\n\nGOPHER #1\nAddress all complaints to the Monsanto\nCorporation.\n\n[Luna Park. The crew get some candy floss from an Orlon Candy\nstall and carry on walking around the park. Fry looks unhappy.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's wrong, Fry?\n\nFRY\nI don't know. This place is great and\nall but its just so artificial. The\ngravity, the air, the gophers. You might\nas well stay on Earth. That's what\nI came to see! I wanna go out there\nand jump around like an astronaut. Screw\nthis phoney stuff!\n\nLEELA\nBut the phoney stuff is what's fun.\nIt's boring out there.\n\nBENDER\nYeah! You're the kind of guy who visits\nJerusalem and doesn't want to see the\nSexeteria!\n\nLEELA\nMaybe I should take Fry on the Luna\nRover ride. You get to wear a space\nsuit and drive around on the surface.\nAnd the line's short because it's educational.\n\nFRY\nI don't care how educational it is.\nLet's do it!\n\n[He runs off with Leela. Bender raises his bottle.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Next year in Jerusalem!\n\n[Luna Park: Destination Moon. Fry and Leela sit in a moon buggy\nwearing orange spacesuits.]\n\nFRY\nFinally! Get ready for some serious\nmoon action.\n\n[They go through some doors.]\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) The story of lunar exploration\nstarted with one man. A man with a dream.\n\n[The ride continues to a room with animatronic versions of the\nleads from The Honeymooners.]\n\nRALPH KRAMDENBOT\nOne of these days, Alice. Bang! Zoom!\nStraight to the moon!\n\nLEELA\nWow, I never realised the first astronauts\nwere so fat!\n\nFRY\nThat's not an astronaut, it's a TV comedian.\nAnd he was just using space travel as\na metaphor for beating his wife.\n\n[Luna Park Arcade. Amy is playing Virtual Virtual Skeeball, a\nvirtual version of Virtual Skeeball. She just sits in a chair\nwearing a VR helmet.]\n\nAMY\nWow! I could swear I was really playing\nvirtual skeeball! Hm?\n\n[She takes the helmet off.]\n\nBENDER\nLook, it's that crate we were gonna\nthrow in the sewer.\n\n[He points to Sal who is emptying the crate into a claw machine\nusing a robot arm around his waist. They watch as the ship keys\nfall out of the crate and into the machine. Amy gasps.]\n\nAMY\nThe keys to the ship! They must have\nfallen into the crate! Leela's gonna\nkill me!\n\nBENDER\nNah. She'll probably make me do it.\n\nAMY\nMister? Could you please get those keys\nout for me?\n\nSAL\nWhat do I look like? A guy who's not\nlazy?\n\n[Amy gets a coin out and plays the game. The claw grabs the keys\nbut drops them on the way back up and she curses in Chinese.]\n\n[Luna Park: Destination Moon. The moon buggy continues across\nlunar terrain, boxed in with poorly constructed walls with stars\npainted on them.]\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) No one knows where, when\nor how Man first landed on the moon...\n\nFRY\nI do.\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) ...but our fungineers think\nit might have happened something like\nthis:\n\n[A prop of a lunar landing module opens up and Whalerbots file\nout of it.]\n\nWHALERBOTS\n(singing) We're whalers on the moon,\n\n[Goophy Gophers pop up from craters.]\n\nGOPHERS\n(singing) We carry a harpoon,\n\nLEELA\n(singing) ...and sing a whaling tune.\nWe're whalers on the moon...\n\nFRY\nThat's not how it happened.\n\nLEELA\nOh, really? I don't see you with a fungineering\ndegree! p>\n\nFRY\nThis is stupid. I'm taking this thing\nout to the real moon.\n\nLEELA\nFry, no. This is my first mission and\nI'm not gonna let us get in any trouble.\nBesides, the car's on a track.\n\nFRY\nNot for long!\n\n[He grabs a harpoon, throws it in front of the buggy and derails\nit. It drives over a whalerbot and out onto the open lunar surface.]\n\nWHALERBOT\nOoh aah! I died doin' what I loved.\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. Fry drives the car around grinning.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, you're on the surface. Now I'll\ngive you 10 minutes. Then you'll get\nbored, turn around and apologise for\nbeing such a jerk. Agreed?\n\nFRY\nAgreed. Yee-haw! Woo! Yeah! Crank up\nthe radio!\n\n[He turns the radio on.]\n\nWHALERBOTS\nWe're whalers on the -\n\n[He turns it off straight away.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry drives around another crater.]\n\nFRY\nYee-haw!\n\nLEELA\nTime's up. Make a U-turn at the next\ncrater.\n\nFRY\nNo not yet. How 'bout we go look for\nthe original moon landing site?\n\nLEELA\nThat's crazy! It's been lost for centuries!\n\nFRY\nWell I'm feelin' lucky! Uh... I'm ready\nto go back now.\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nFRY\nWe're gonna die! It's every man for\nhimself! Help me, Leela! You did it!\nWe're safe!\n\nLEELA\nNo. Now we're gonna die.\n\n[The gauge on the oxygen canister reads nearly empty.]\n\nFRY\nIt's every man for himself.\n\n[He tries to run off but chokes himself on the oxygen pipe from\nhis helmet.]\n\n[Luna Park: Arcade. Amy is still trying to get the keys but the\nclaw drops them again. Enter Bender with a small doll.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, look what I won from a tourist's\npocket!\n\nAMY\nShut up. You're distracting me.\n\nBENDER\nCome on, it's just like making love.\nY'know: Left, down, rotate 62 degrees,\nengage rotor.\n\nAMY\nI know how to make love!\n\n[The claw drops the keys again. Amy sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nHere, let me do it. Ah, lousy arm.\nMust be rigged! That's her, officers!\nUh, that's the woman who programmed\nme for evil!\n\n[He runs off with his extended arm trailing behind him and the\nMoon Patrol chase him.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Lunar Park Dome. The Moon Patrol officers throw\nBender outside the dome and close the doors behind him.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, well, I'm gonna go build my own\ntheme park, with blackjack and hookers.\nIn fact, forget the park!\n\n[Lunar Surface. An exhausted Fry and Leela continue their journey\nback to the park.]\n\nFRY\n(gasping) I'm sorry, Leela, I can't\ngo on any further. Just leave me to\ndie in that barn over there.\n\n[Leela gasps. Fry is pointing to a farm in a dome.]\n\n[Cut to: Farmyard. Fry and Leela run in and take off their space\nhelmets, panting.]\n\nLEELA\nThank God!\n\n[Behind them a gun cocks. They turn around and see a farmer.\nHe has a buck tooth and a cap that says \"The Moon Shall Rise\nAgain\".]\n\nFARMER\nTrespassers, eh?\n\nFRY\nNo, sir. We're amusement park patrons.\n\nFARMER\nOoh, that's a wicked sinful place. Tilt-a-whirl's\nOK, but the rest is mighty wicked.\n\nLEELA\nOur car broke down and we're out of\noxygen. Can we borrow some?\n\nFARMER\nHuh, borry? Looky here, city girl, oxygen\ndon't grow on trees. You'll have to\nearn it doing chores on my hydroponic\nfarm. You can go back to your precious\ntheme park at sun up.\n\nFRY\nI guess we could do chores for a few\nhours.\n\nLEELA\nFry, night lasts two weeks on the moon.\n\nFARMER\nYup. Drops down to -173!\n\nFRY\nFahrenheit or Celsius?\n\nFARMER\nFirst one, then th'other. And them spacesuits\nain't a-heated so you ain't goin' nowhere\ntil sunrise. You can sleep in the barn.\nJust don't be a-touchin' my three beautiful\nrobot daughters. Y'hear?\n\nFRY\nRobot daughters?\n\n[He points to his robot daughters outside the house.]\n\nFARMER\nThis here is Lulabelle 7.\n\nLULABELLE 7\nYoo-hoo!\n\nFARMER\nDaisy-Mae 128K.\n\nDAISY-MAE 128K\nYoo-hoo!\n\nFARMER\nAnd the Crushinator.\n\n[The Crushinator is a huge pink thing with tracks instead of\nlegs.]\n\nCRUSHINATOR\n(mechanical voice) Yoo-hoo.\n\nFRY\nWhoa!\n\n[Barn. Fry and Leela are milking some cows.]\n\nLEELA\nI told you to turn around and go back\nto the park. But oh, no, the park was\ntoo phoney. We had to see the real moon.\n\nFRY\nAnd it was great! We got to see craters\nand rocks and that one incredible rock\nthat looked like a crater and, and these\nfellas.\n\n[He pats the cow, which isn't a cow but some sort of insect-bovine\ncreature called a buggalo.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, face it. The moon is a dump. It's\na boring dried up wasteland. And the\nonly reason anybody ever comes here\nis for the tacky little amusement park.\nCan't you just accept that?\n\nFRY\nI guess I can't.\n\n[They hear a shot from outside. They look through the transparent\nbarn doors and see Bender running out of the farmhouse.]\n\n[Cut to: Farmyard. The farmer chases him out of the house waving\nhis rifle.]\n\nFARMER\nI'll learn ye to sleep with my robot\ndaughters!\n\n[Bender runs into the barn.]\n\n[Cut to: Barn. He leans against the transparent door. Outside\nthe farmer reloads his gun.]\n\nBENDER\nHe'll never find me in here.\n\nLEELA\nBender?\n\nFRY\nOh, Bender. You didn't touch the Crushinator,\ndid you?\n\nBENDER\nOf course not. A lady that fine you\ngotta romance first.\n\n[Another gunshot smashes the barn door behind Bender. Bender\nlegs it while the farmer reloads. Fry and Leela follow him through\nanother door. They pick up their helmets as they run.]\n\n[Cut to: Farmyard. They grab some oxygen tanks and get into the\nmoon buggy.]\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. The buggy speeds away from the farm.\nThe farmer, in a spacesuit but with his cap sat on top, Lulabelle\n7 and Daisy-Mae 128K run after them. The farmer fires a shot\nat them and misses.]\n\nFARMER\nOh, no you don't! C'mere Crushinator.\n\n[Crushinator drives out of the farm and pulls up beside him.]\n\nCRUSHINATOR\n(mechanical voice) Yes, Pa.\n\n[She transforms into a car. The farmer and his other two daughters\nget in and drive after Fry, Leela and Bender. They chase the\ncrew around past craters and through ravines. The farmer takes\na shot at the crew and narrowly misses them. The crew round a\ncorner and find their way blocked by a rock bridge.]\n\nFRY\nIt's too low.\n\nLEELA\nHang on. Hang on. Jump. Hold on to\nyour helmet!\n\n[They jump the gorge, flying over crocodiles with space helmets\nand land safely on the other side. They all cheer and then a\nwheel falls off the buggy. The Crushintor approaches the other\nside and stops. The farmer climbs out and slams the door.]\n\nFARMER\nGod darn, it Crushinator, jump!\n\nCRUSHINATOR\n(mechanical voice) No, Pa. I love him.\n\n[The farmer takes his hat off and jumps on it, groaning. Leela\nlooks at the broken wheel and Fry sees a huge shadow approaching.]\n\nFRY\nHey, cool! Dark side of the moon!\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nNightfall's coming. Hurry, before we\nfreeze.\n\n[The flee from the shadow.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat do you mean \"we\", mammal?\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He watches the crew\nthrough a telescope.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, dear! I really ought to do something.\nBut I am already in my pyjamas.\n\n[He falls asleep and starts snoring.]\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. Fry and Leela are panting.]\n\nLEELA\nWe can't outrun it forever.\n\n[Fry sees something.]\n\nFRY\nOver there! Look! It's the moon landing\nsite! We found it!\n\n[They run towards it. Leela climbs the ladder and pushes over\nthe hatch.]\n\nLEELA\nQuick, get in.\n\n[Fry sees the American flag.]\n\nFRY\nIt's that flag from MTV! And Neil Armstrong's\nfootprint! Hey! My foot's bigger! Leela,\nisn't this the greatest thing you've\never seen?\n\nLEELA\nFry, look around. It's just a crummy\nplastic flag and a dead man's tracks\nin the dust. Now get in here before\nyou freeze.\n\n[Fry sighs and climbs the ladder.]\n\n[Cut to: Apollo 11 Lander. Leela helps him in.]\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. She closes the door just as Bender arrives.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, no room for Bender, huh? Fine! I'll\ngo build my own lunar lander, with blackjack\nand hookers. In fact, forget the lunar\nlander and the blackjack. Ah, screw\nthe whole thing.\n\n[He walks off.]\n\n[Apollo 11 Lander. Leela reads the oxygen gauge.]\n\nLEELA\nWell if the oxygen holds out we might\nlive long enough to starve to death.\n\nFRY\nLook, Leela, I'm sorry. I never should\nhave dragged you out here.\n\nLEELA\nThat's right, you shouldn't have. I\nstill don't get what the big attraction\nis.\n\n[Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nI never told anybody this but a thousand\nyears ago I used to look up at the moon\nand dream about being an astronaut.\nI just didn't have the grades. Nor the\nphysical endurance. Plus I threw up\na lot and nobody liked spending a week\nwith me.\n\nLEELA\nA week would be a little much.\n\nFRY\nThe moon was like this awesome, romantic,\nmysterious thing, hanging up there in\nthe sky where you could never reach\nit, no matter how much you wanted to.\nBut you're right. Once you're actually\nhere it's just a big dull rock. I guess\nI just wanted you to see it through\nmy eyes, the way I used to.\n\n[Leela looks through a window. She sees the Earth.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, look. It really is beautiful. I\ndon't know why I never noticed before.\n\n[Bender runs towards the capsule.]\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. The farmer is chasing him in a weird\nthing with spikes.]\n\nFARMER\nHad to come back for the Crushinator,\neh, robot? Well I got you this time.\n\n[The spikes get closer to Bender. The Planet Express ship swoops\nin above them. The magnetic winch lowers towards Bender.]\n\n[Cut to: Apollo 11 Lander.]\n\nFRY\nIt's Amy! We're saved!\n\nLEELA\nAmy? Where'd she learn to operate the\ncontrols like that?\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Amy is operating the winch expertly,\nhaving had practice at the Luna Park with the claw game. The\ntoys from the game are piled up in the corner.]\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. The winch is getting closer to Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nNot the magnet! No! No! Nooo -- Uh-oh!\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Amy cheers.]\n\n[Cut to: Lunar Surface. Bender kicks his legs and waves his arms\naround as he flies away from the farmer attached to the winch.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) She'll be comin' round the\nmountain when she comes,\n\nShe'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes --\n\n(talking) I'll kill you Amy!\n\n(singing) She'll be comin' round the mountain,\n\nShe'll be comin' round the mountain,\n\nShe'll be comin' --\n\n[He slams into the side of the lunar lander and it takes off.\nThe farmer watches the ship fly away and takes off his space\nhelmet and jumps on it.]\n\nFARMER\nAww, dang it!\n\n[He starts to choke then collapses. He reaches over to the helmet\nand puts it back on and breathes. Bender, still attached to the\nside of the lander, carries on singing.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) She'll be riding six white\nhorses when she comes,\n\nShe'll be riding six white horses when she comes -\n\n(talking) Hey, I'm pretty good!\n\n(singing) She'll be riding six white horses...\n\nLEELA\nSo, Fry, was the real moon anything\nlike the moon you used to dream about?\n\nFRY\nWell, close enough!\n\nTHE END\n\nBENDER\nWell I'll shoot her with my ray gun\nwhen she comes,\n\nYes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes,\n\nYes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun,\n\nOh, I'll shoot her with my ray gun,\n\nYes, I'll shoot her with my ray gun when she comes,\n\nWhen she comes!\n\nI'll be blastin' all the humans in the world,\n\nI'll be blastin' all the humans in the world,\n\nI'll be blastin' all the humans,\n\nI'll be blastin' all the humans,\n\nI'll be blastin' all the humans in the world,\n\nIn the world!\n\n(shouting) One more time!"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-I,-Roommate.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 103\n\n\"I, ROBOT\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: As Seen On TV.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is asleep on the big table.\nThe other staff are sat around it for a morning meeting. His\nalarm clock goes off and he reaches over and pushes Bender's\nantenna down.]\n\nBENDER\nHey!\n\n[He picks up the alarm clock and bends it on the table so it\nlooks like a melted clock from Salvador Dali's artwork The Persistence\nOf Memory.]\n\nHERMES\nFry, mon, if you're going to be living\nin the office you could at least be\non time for work.\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry. I was up really late poking\nthrough people's desks.\n\n[He gets up and climbs off the table.]\n\nHERMES\nAlright, people. I will now outline\ntoday's 12-point agenda. We'll begin\nwith point one then race forward --\n\n[He is interrupted by a clattering sound.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry is pouring himself a huge\nbowl of Bachelor Chow. He turns the tap on and covers it in water.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits down, still in\nhis underwear.]\n\nHERMES\nConcerning our pest problem: Somebody's\nbeen leaving food around and it's attracting\nowls. And I, for one, am getting tired\nof cleaning those owl traps. Now......as\nthis shocking graph indicates, our water\nconsumption has tripled in the last\nmonth. I notice Fry has been here for\na month, so I'm appointing him head\nof a committee to find who's responsible.\nFry? Am I cracking up, or is Fry's\nliving here starting to get in the way\nof bus -\n\n[He is interrupted again by Fry, who is drying his hair using\nthe ships engine. Leela runs over and hits the emergency shutdown\nbutton.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat the hell are you doing?! You're\ngetting a huge dose of radiation!\n\nFRY\nAnd great lift!\n\nLEELA\nDo you know how long it's going to take\nme to recalibrate these engines?\n\nFRY\nHey, when you look this good, you don't\nhave to know anything.\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is looking for\nsomething. Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg.]\n\nLEELA\nProfessor, We need to talk to you about\nFry.\n\nBENDER\nThat's right, we want some money --\nwait, what's this about Fry?\n\nLEELA\nHe's a nice guy but we think it's about\ntime he got his own place.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, fuff! He's not causing any trouble.\nNow, if you don't mind, I'm rather busy.\nI seem to have mislaid my alien mummy.\nThis sarcophagus should contain the\nremains of Emperor Nimballa, who ruled\nZubin 5 over 29 million years ago.\n\n[Fry walks past the lab eating the mummy.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Professor, great jerky!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy God, this is an outrage! I was going\nto eat that mummy! Fry has got to go!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is slumped back on the couch watching\nTV.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nBachelor chow: Now with flavour!\n\n[Fry changes the channel to Monster Truck wrestling.]\n\nCOMMENTATOR\nAnd Bigfoot is down!\n\nFRY\nSheesh! 40,000 channels and only 150\nhave anything good on.\n\n[He switches the channel over again. There is a sponsorship advert\non the screen.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nAll My Circuits is brought to you by\nRobo Fresh: Designed by a robot, for\na robot.\n\n[The picture changes to two robots - Calculon and Monique - sitting\non a bench.]\n\nCALCULON\nI've been processing this for some\ntime, Monique, and well, will you marry\nme?\n\nMONIQUE\nOh, Calculon! It fits! Then you must\nknow that I'm --\n\nCALCULON\nMetric? I've always known. But for\nyou, my darling, I'm willing to convert.\n\n[They kiss again. Another robot watches them from the bushes.]\n\nFRY\nHmm, must be a friend of theirs.\n\n[Enter Leela and Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nFry, we've got to discuss your living\narrangements.\n\nLEELA\nWe've all talked it over and --\n\nBENDER\nHey, All My Circuits! Move over. Ahh!\n\nLEELA\nFry, sometimes in close quarters, people\ndo inconsiderate things without realising\nit.\n\nFRY\nI know but I forgive you.\n\nLEELA\nNo, Fry, by \"close quarters\" I mean\nthis office...\n\nFRY\nUh-huh.\n\nLEELA\n...and by \"people\" I mean you!\n\nFRY\nRight.\n\nLEELA\nAnd by \"inconsiderate\" I mean --\n\nFRY\nLeela! We're trying to watch TV.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, would you kindly shut your noise\nhole?\n\n[She sighs and walks out.]\n\nFRY\nSo, who's that weird-looking guy?\n\nBENDER\nThat's a human.\n\nFRY\nWhat's he do?\n\nBENDER\nEh, the usual human stuff. He laughs,\nhe learns, he loves.\n\nFRY\nBoring!\n\n[On the TV a door opens and Calculon walks in.]\n\nHUMAN FRIEND\nCalculon? I thought you were in a coma.\n\nCALCULON\nThat's what I wanted you to think with\nyour soft, human brain.\n\n[From Fry's point of view, the corner of the room starts getting\nfurther away.]\n\nFRY\nHey, uh, why is the TV getting smaller?\n\n[Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Leela are pushing the\ncouch out of the room with Fry and Bender still on it.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. They toss Fry, Bender and the\ncouch outside the front door and go back inside.]\n\nHERMES\nWe'll bill you for the couch.\n\n[Food-O-Mat. A small caf\u00e9 where customers sit at tables and select\ntheir food from a conveyor belt as it passes them.]\n\nBENDER\nCheer up, meatbag, you've barely touched\nyour amoeba.\n\nFRY\nIt looked good but I just don't feel\nlike eating. You want it?\n\nBENDER\nNah, I'm trying to watch my input. I\nneed plenty of wholesome, nutritious\nalcohol. The chemical energy keeps\nmy fuel cells charged.\n\n[He lights a cigar.]\n\nFRY\nWhat are the cigars for?\n\nBENDER\nThey make me look cool.\n\n[Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nI can't believe they threw me out like\nthat. I must have been really acting\nlike a jerk.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, but everybody's a jerk. You, me,\nthis jerk. That's my philosophy. So,\nwhere you gonna stay?\n\nFRY\nI don't know. Do refrigerators still\ncome in cardboard boxes?\n\nBENDER\nYeah, but the rents are outrageous.\nWhy don't you just come move in with\nme?\n\nFRY\nReally? That'd be great! You sure I\nwon't be imposing?\n\nBENDER\nNah, I've always wanted a pet.\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The building is a dark, run\ndown place. The corridor is lined with blue doors with not much\nspace between them and the apartment numbers are in binary.]\n\nBENDER\nHere we are. Your new home.\n\nFRY\nCool! Y'know, I've never even seen a\nrobot's apartment before.\n\nBENDER\nCome on in, I'll give you the tour!\n\n[Cut to: Bender's Apartment. He unlocks the door, walks in, and\nturns on the light. Fry follows. He is not impressed. It's a\nvery tight squeeze.]\n\nBENDER\nLet's see, where to start. OK, this\nis the TV area, that over there's the\nbreakfast nook, and over here is where\nyou'll be living which is great because,\nuntil now, it's just been wasted space.\n\nFRY\nIt's kinda cramped in here. I don't\neven have room to hang my clothes.\n\nBENDER\nLook, pal, you've only got one set of\nclothes and you're not taking them off\nwhile I'm here. Well, I'm bushed. G'night.\n\n[He turns the light off and goes to sleep.]\n\nFRY\nWait, Bender. Bender?\n\nBENDER\n(sleep-talking) Kill all humans...kill\nall humans...must kill all the humans.\n\nFRY\nBender, wake up!\n\n[He wakes up and yawns.]\n\nBENDER\nI was having the most wonderful dream.\nI think you were in it.\n\nFRY\nUh, listen, Bender, uh, where's your\nbathroom?\n\nBENDER\nBath what?\n\nFRY\nBathroom.\n\nBENDER\nWhat room?\n\nFRY\nBathroom!\n\nBENDER\nWhat what?\n\nFRY\nAh, never mind!\n\n[He sits down and tries to curl up on the floor.]\n\nBENDER\n(sleep-talking) Hey, sexy mama...wanna\nkill all the humans?\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela and Amy are working on the ships\nport wing. Bender walks past whistling.]\n\nLEELA\nWe sure are cheerful this morning.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, this past week with Fry's been\na blast! Y'know, beneath this warm,\nsunny exterior, beats the cold, mechanical\nheart of a robot.\n\n[Bender walks off, whistling. Fry comes in with a twisted neck.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat happened to you?\n\nFRY\nOh, it's Bender's apartment. He put\nin carpeting yesterday so now my head\nhits the ceiling. Hey, do you realise\nyou're standing at a weird angle? Now\nyou're OK.\n\nLEELA\nLook at yourself. You're a wreck! You've\ngot to find a new place to live.\n\nFRY\n(sexily) Is that an invitation?\n\nLEELA\nLove your optimism, Fry. But seriously,\nyou've got to tell Bender you're moving\nout.\n\nFRY\nYeah, but he might get kind of upset.\nI don't think I can do that to him.\n\n[Bender comes back.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, there's my little space heater.\n\n[Fry fakes a laugh. Bender laughs for real. Fry fakes another\nlaugh and then sighs.]\n\nFRY\nWell, I'm moving out!\n\n[Bender laughs then realises what Fry has said.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat?!\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry, Bender, but there's just\nnot enough room.\n\nBENDER\nNot enough room? My place is two cubic\nmetres and we only take up 1.5 cubic\nmetres. We've got room for a whole nother\ntwo-thirds of a person.\n\nLEELA\nWhat if I just helped the two of you\nfind a bigger apartment?\n\nBENDER\nI don't know. I've got a lot of great\nmemories in my old place. And now they're\ngone.\n\n[Underwater Apartment.]\n\nLANDLORD #1\nSure, it ain't one of them la-de-da\nabove-ground places. But if you like\ndank, hey, forget about it!\n\nLEELA\nAt least it's got a great view.\n\n[A giant squid swims up to the window. Fry, Bender and Leela\nscream.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat the?\n\n[The squids tentacles come through the floor and walls. The landlord\ntakes a knife out of his boot.]\n\nLANDLORD #1\nExcuse me, I gotta go change a lightbulb.\n\n[He takes out a knife, puts it between his teeth and walks out.]\n\n[Surreal Apartment.]\n\nLEELA\nWow! Now this is fantastic!\n\n[The apartment is built in the style of the Escher picture Relativity.]\n\nFRY\nHmm, I'm not sure we want to pay for\na dimension we're not going to use.\n\n[Bender suddenly falls down the stairs, up the stairs, across\nthe stairs...]\n\n[Suspiciously Fantastic Apartment.]\n\nFRY\nWell, I give up. What's the catch?\n\nLANDLORD #3\nOh, no catch. Although we are technically\nin New Jersey.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Bender and Leela sit around the\ntable.]\n\nFRY\nNot one place even remotely liveable.\n\n[Farnsworth walks past talking on the phone.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, how awful. Did he at least die painlessly...?\nTo shreds, you say. Well, how is his\nwife holding up...? To shreds, you say.\nVery well then. Sad, sad, terrible,\ngruesome news about my colleague, Dr.\nMobootu.\n\nLEELA\nWas his apartment rent-controlled?\n\n[Apartment. It's a really big apartment with a view and an upper\nfloor. The landlady is an old woman named Hattie. She is short,\nwears a pink dressing gown and has a lazy eye. She shows the\nnew tenants around.]\n\nLEELA\nWow, this is beautiful.\n\nBENDER\nWhat's with all the crap?\n\nLEELA\nIt's not crap.\n\nHATTIE\nDr. Mobootu collected this crap while\nhe was exploring the watcha-call-it...universe!\n\nFRY\nWell, this place has everything except\nthe only thing I care about: A TV.\n\nHATTIE\nIt's got a TV, you young watcha-call-it...idiot!\n\n[She pulls a rope and a tapestry goes up, revealing a very big\nTV.]\n\nFRY\nOoh!\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, slow down! This place just doesn't\nfeel like home. It just isn't...cosy.\nAhh, I can barely move. It's perfect!\n\n[Montage Scene. Fry and Bender clear out all the crap from the\napartment to the theme of The Odd Couple. Fry sweeps a load of\njunk off a shelf into a bag then replaces a Slurm poster with\na poster of a woman in a bikini and Bender hangs up a poster\nof a topless robot next to it. Fry and Bender both smoke a cigar.\nFry puts an old chair in a bag, Bender stamps it down and Fry\nuses it as a beanbag. Bender puts a signed (and obviously stolen)\nphoto of Calculon on a shelf. Bender and Fry look around, satisfied.]\n\nFRY\nMan, it's a total sty! For the first\ntime in a thousand years, I feel like\nI'm home.\n\nBENDER\nYeah! It's gonna be fun on the bun!\nY'know Fry, of all the friends I've\nhad, you're the first.\n\n[Time Lapse. Later that night the Planet Express staff are arriving\nat the apartment. The doorbell rings, Fry answers it.]\n\nHERMES\nHey, mon!\n\n[Zoidberg walks in an burbles something.]\n\nLEELA\nHappy housewarming, Fry! It's a miniature\nfruit salad tree.\n\nFRY\nOoh! Hey, Amy!\n\nAMY\nHey!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis is for you, Fry Zevulon the Great.\nHe's teriyaki style.\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender lies on the beanbag and guzzles down a can\nof beer. He tosses the empty can on a huge pile of cans.]\n\nBENDER\nWow, heavy drinking crowd! I'd better\ngo out for more beer.\n\nFRY\nHey, hang on, All My Circuits is about\nto start!\n\nBENDER\nI know, but I need alcohol to power\nup my batteries. If Calculon's wedding\ndoesn't go just right I'll be emotionally\nand electrically drained.\n\n[He leaves. Fry turns on the TV but all that's on is static.\nHe nudges the screen and All My Circuits comes on. He thumbs-ups.]\n\nFRY\nHey!\n\n[Zoidberg passes around crab claws on a plate.]\n\nHERMES\nThese are mighty tasty!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThank you, I made them myself.\n\n[Hermes chokes and spits the claws out.]\n\nFRY\nShh, the wedding's about to start!\n\nPRIESTBOT\nIf anyone here objects to this union,\nlet them speak now or forever hold their\n--\n\n[He is interrupted by some beeping. It is the same robot that\nwas in the bushes when Calculon proposed.]\n\nFRY\nIs he objecting or backing up?\n\nAMY\nLooks like both.\n\nCALCULON\nI'm afraid my half-brother is correct.\nYou see, I have a terrible secret and\nthat secret is --\n\n[Bender walks in and the picture cuts to static. Everyone groans.]\n\nAMY\nOh, this isn't right.\n\nHERMES\nOh, come on!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFix it!\n\n[Fry bangs his fist against the screen and Bender comes back\nin with beer.]\n\nBENDER\nHey what happened to the TV?\n\nFRY\nIt just went out.\n\nBENDER\nThis is an outrage! I'm gonna go yell\nat the manager!\n\n[He storms out and the TV comes back on. Everyone cheers.]\n\nHERMES\nAlright!\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Come back, Bender, its working!\n\nCALCULON\nTo reiterate, my terrible secret is\n--\n\n[Bender comes back in and the TV cuts out again. Everyone groans.]\n\nFRY\nIt's out again.\n\nBENDER\nWhat? That's the last straw!\n\nFRY\nIt's back on!\n\n[Bender comes back in with Hattie and the TV goes out once again.\nEveryone groans.]\n\nHATTIE\nPardon me. I don't mean to pry into\nwhat you're doing in here with the crab\nand the one-eyed lady and the Chinese\ngirl but everyone on this floor is having\ntrouble with their TV reception.\n\nBENDER\nYeah! And you'd better get rid of whatever's\ncausing it or we're outta this dump!\n\nHATTIE\nRelax, sonny. This kajigger'll find\nthe source of the interference.\n\n[She points a thing around the apartment and it beeps slowly.\nShe points it at Bender's antenna and it beeps faster. The other\ntenants come in, complaining about their TV's. Hattie points\nthe thing at Bender's antenna again.]\n\nTENANT #1\nWhat's going on?\n\nTENANT #2\nWe want our TV back!\n\nHATTIE\nThere's your problem.\n\nAMY\nOh, my God, Bender, it's your thingy!\n\nRANDY\nThen get rid of it!\n\nTENANT #1\nGet out!\n\nBENDER\nYou people are nuts. My antenna never\ninterfered with my old TV.\n\nLEELA\nYou had cable. This is satellite.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nObviously your thoughts are being transmitted\non the same frequency.\n\nTENANT #2\nThey're on my cell phone too.\n\nBENDER\nMadam, I believe you're mistaken!\n\n[She turns her phone on. Bender's thoughts are indeed on it.]\n\nBENDER\nWow, that lady's got a huge ass!\n\nBENDER\nThose could be anyone's thoughts, fat\nass!\n\nRANDY\nThe robot has to go!\n\nTENANT #1\nYeah.\n\nTENANT #3\nGet him out of here!\n\nHATTIE\nWell, you heard the mob!\n\nBENDER\nFine! Come on, Fry, let's move to that\napartment that smelled like a sewer.\nYou liked that one, right?\n\nFRY\nIt's tempting, but, well, I am already\nkinda settled in here.\n\nBENDER\nOr we could live underground with the\nmutants. A little fire'll show 'em who's\nboss!\n\nFRY\nUh, listen, is there maybe some way\nwe could do this with you going and\nme not going?\n\nBENDER\nI don't understand.\n\nFRY\nWell, you were gonna live in the closet\nanyway. Won't you be just as happy back\nin your old place?\n\nBENDER\nBut, then we wouldn't be roommates.\n\nFRY\nI'll come visit sometime. And you can\nvisit me here.\n\nHATTIE\nNo he can't.\n\nFRY\nAnyway, I'm sure it'll work out. This\nway we'll both be happy.\n\nBENDER\n(downbeat) Happy. Yeah, that's Bender.\nAlways happy.\n\n[Bender walks out of the room and down the corridor.]\n\nRANDY\nHey, the TV's back on!\n\nPRIESTBOT\nWe are gathered here to mourn the death\nof Calculon; Industrialist, private\neye, friend.\n\nCALCULON\nMind if I give the eulogy?\n\n[Monique gasps.]\n\nMONIQUE\nCalculon! You're alive!\n\n[Everyone cheers on the TV and in the apartment.]\n\nRANDY\nCalculon's back!\n\n[Time Lapse. Everyone is beginning to leave.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nRight, so long.\n\nZOIDBERG\nGoodbye.\n\nAMY\n(crying) Do you think Calculon's evil\ntwin will ever walk again?\n\nHERMES\nI don't know, Amy. I just don't know.\n\n[Amy slips over again.]\n\nFRY\nHey, thanks for coming.\n\n[He closes the door but Leela puts her elbow in it and forces\nit back open.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, you're Bender's best friend. How\ncould you let that mob kick him out?\n\nFRY\nAh, come on. Bender loves mobs.\n\nLEELA\nOnly when he's in them and you know\nit. You really hurt his feelings.\n\nFRY\nDon't girl me with that girl stuff.\nBender and me are guys. Guys don't have\nfeelings.\n\nLEELA\nBender's not a guy, he's a robot.\n\nFRY\nSame thing.\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender opens his apartment door\nand looks in.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's so big and empty.\n\n[He goes in and closes the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Bender's Apartment.]\n\nBENDER\nMy roommate's gone. And all he left\nbehind was an eyelash and three skin\nflakes. Oh, what's the point?!\n\n[He throws the bottle down and it smashes.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is fixing the ship with laser\nfuel. She sees Bender walk into the conference room. He has orange\nrust around his mouth and his door is flapping open.]\n\nLEELA\nBender? My God, you're a mess!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender groans and falls onto\nthe couch. Leela follows him in.]\n\nBENDER\nLeave me alone!\n\nLEELA\nLook at that five o'clock rust. You've\nbeen up all night not drinking, haven't\nyou?\n\nBENDER\nHey. What I don't do is none of your\nbusiness.\n\nLEELA\nPlease, Bender. Have some malt liquor.\nIf not for yourself then for the people\nwho love you.\n\nBENDER\nI hate the people who love me and they\nhate me.\n\nLEELA\nOh, now look. It's obvious you miss\nbeing Fry's roommate. But there's got\nto be a better way to deal with this.\n\nBENDER\nLike how? Having my antenna removed?\n\nLEELA\nWell, if that would work.\n\nBENDER\nAre you crazy? That's Little Bender\nyou're talking about. I can't cut it\noff. You're not a robot or a man so\nyou wouldn't understand. I gotta get\nout of here.\n\nLEELA\nWait! I want you to look me in the eye\nand promise you won't get behind the\nwheel without some kind of alcoholic\nbeverage in your hand.\n\nBENDER\nI promise nothing!\n\n[He runs out.]\n\n[Bender is walking down a street drunk \u00e1 la The Lost Weekend\nand he finally ends up in an alleyway lying on his back, leaking\noil from under his arm. He sees his reflection in the pool of\noil and hits it.]\n\n[Apartment. Fry opens the door. Leela is there.]\n\nFRY\nWhat up?\n\nLEELA\nI can't just stand by and be silent\nabout Bender anymore.\n\nFRY\nSilent? You've been meddling for two\nsolid weeks.\n\nLEELA\nWell I can't just do that anymore. Your\nbest friend is out there somewhere destroying\nhimself.\n\nFRY\nReally? I didn't think he'd miss this\napartment that much.\n\nLEELA\nHe doesn't care about the apartment,\nhe cares about you. And you turned your\nback on him.\n\nFRY\nOh, man. I had no idea. If only I knew\nwhere he was I'd go talk to him.\n\n[The TV cuts out.]\n\nFRY\nOh, stupid TV! Bender! You're blind\nstinking sober!\n\nBENDER\nThat's right! I'm sober and crazy and\nI don't know what I might do!\n\nFRY\nDon't do it!\n\nBENDER\nI don't know what it is yet. Oh, yeah,\nnow I remember. I thought I could live\nalone, but I can't. So, I'm gonna do\nwhat it takes to be your roommate again.\n\n[He takes a pair of clippers out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nLEELA\nBender! Stop!\n\nFRY\nCutting Leela's head off won't solve\nanything!\n\nBENDER\nNo, I'm going to chop off my antenna.\n\nFRY\nHey, yeah! That sounds good. Can I give\nyou a hand?\n\nLEELA\nFry, don't help him mutilate himself.\n\nFRY\nBut it's a useless antenna. It's not\nlike he's a ham radio or something.\n\nBENDER\nI'm gonna do it! I'm really gonna do\nit! Don't try and stop me! Here goes.\n\n[Fry smiles. He sighs, cuts it off and throws it out the window.\nThe TV comes back on. Calculon is with Human Friend who is in\na hospital bed.]\n\nFRY\nHey, it works! The static's gone.\n\nHUMAN FRIEND\nI hate that this came between us, Calculon.\n\nCALCULON\nMe too. I'm filled with a large number\nof powerful emotions.\n\nHUMAN FRIEND\nYou're my best friend. I'm sorry I\ntreated you so badly.\n\nCALCULON\nApology accepted. After all, you're\nonly human.\n\n[They hug.]\n\nLEELA\nYou guys could learn a lesson from those\ntwo.\n\nFRY\nShe's right.\n\nBENDER\nYou're my best friend, Fry, I'm sorry\nI treated you so badly.\n\nFRY\nApology accepted. After all, you're\nonly human.\n\n[They hug.]\n\nLEELA\nWait a minute! You did it all backwards.\nFry's the one who should be......Oh,\nnever mind!\n\n[Fry and Bender laugh. Bender looks in the mirror and sighs.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nBENDER\nNothing. I guess I'm just going to have\nto get used to being half a robot.\n\nFRY\nAww, this isn't right. Listen, Bender,\nif we found your antenna could they\nstill reattach it?\n\nBENDER\nMaybe. If we get it on ice right away.\n\n[Outside Apartment Building. Fry, Bender, Smitty and URL search\nfor the antenna.]\n\nSMITTY\nBingo!\n\n[He holds up the antenna.]\n\nURL\nYou call that an antenna?\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Fry is holding his miniature\nfruit salad tree.]\n\nBENDER\nThis time, you'll have all the human\ncomfort. We'll get a couple of toilets,\nsome food cookers, maybe a puppy.\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]\n\nFRY\nIt's good to be home.\n\nBENDER\nIt sure is. By the way, I saved your\nstuff.\n\nFRY\nSo that's where those skin flakes went.\nHmm, do you think this fruit tree's\ngoing to get enough light?\n\nBENDER\nThere's a window in the closet.\n\n[He pushes a button and a door swings open to reveal a huge living\nspace. Fry walks into it.]\n\nFRY\nThis is huge! Bender, why don't I just\nlive in here?\n\nBENDER\nIn a closet? Oh, humans!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Love's-Labours-Lost-In-Space.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 104\n\n\"LOVE'S LABOURS LOST IN SPACE\"\n\nBy\n\nBrian Kelley\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Restaurant. Leela is sat at a table with a date, a man called\nDoug.]\n\nLEELA\nThis place was a great choice. The food\nis amazing. And such generous portions.\n\nDOUG\nYou like the meal just wait until you\ntry these after dinner mints.\n\nLEELA\nYou know, Doug, most guys are put off\nby my eye. It's nice to finally meet\nsomeone who's open-minded. Ew!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: presented in BC [Brain Control] where\navailable.]\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. Amy, Leela and Fry stand around drinking\ncoffee.]\n\nFRY\nWhat was wrong with your date last night?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know. Something I couldn't quite\nput my finger on. Possibly his vile\nlizard tongue.\n\nAMY\nYou're too picky.\n\nFRY\nYeah. If you rule out every guy with\na lizard tongue or a low I.Q. or an\nexplosive violent temper, of course\nyou're gonna be lonely.\n\nLEELA\nThere's nothing wrong with having high\nstandards. Now can we please stop --\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy, Fry and Leela walk\nin. The others are sitting around the table.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe female Leela's problem is purely\nmedical. Soon she will drop her eggs\nand they will hatch and all will be\nwell.\n\n[Amy, Leela and Fry sit down.]\n\nAMY\nYou just have to give guys a chance.\nSometimes you meet a guy and think he's\na pig. But then later you realise he\nactually has a really good body.\n\nLEELA\nThank you all for the inspiring advice,\nbut I'm perfectly happy with my life\nthe way it is.\n\nBENDER\nThat sounds like a cry for help.\n\nAMY\nLet's all take her out tonight. There's\nlots of great places to meet people.\n\nHERMES\nThe Federal Sex Bureau.\n\nBENDER\nA saucy puppet show.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe rotting carcass of a whale.\n\nAMY\nHmm, I'll pick!\n\n[The Hip Joint. A nightclub on Jetsons-esque stilts with hovering\nplatforms and strobe lighting. Everyone except Fry is wearing\noutfits with grooby rings.]\n\nAMY\nOh, wow, it's totally retro.\n\nFRY\nWhy's everyone wearing those rings?\n\nAMY\nGuh! Because nobody wears them anymore!\nRings are stupid!\n\nFRY\nI think they look cool.\n\nAMY\nShh! Don't let anyone hear you say that!\n\nMAN\nHey, did that guy just say rings are\ncool?\n\nAMY\nNope, he said they're stupid.\n\n[The man shows a thumbs up.]\n\nMAN\nCool!\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela, Amy and Bender are sat at a table with drinks.]\n\nAMY\nSo what do you think of that guy by\nthe bar?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know. Maybe?\n\nBENDER\nForget it, he's gay.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?! How can you tell?\n\nBENDER\nI just know these things. I've got what\nthey call gaydar.\n\nLEELA\nThere's no such thing.\n\nBENDER\nNo? OK, I got a lock on him. Yep!\nHe's gay!\n\nAMY\nAre you sure?\n\nBENDER\nDefinitely. Unless I'm getting interference\nfrom a gay weather balloon.\n\n[Fry talks to a woman at the bar.]\n\nWOMAN\nYou're from the 20th century? That's\nincredible! I'm from the 21st century.\n\nFRY\nNo way! We've got so much in common.\n\nWOMAN\nWe sure do. Remember when those cyborgs\nenslaved humanity?\n\nFRY\nUh, yeah! That rings a bell.\n\n[Back at the table, a well-built man has joined the others.]\n\nAMY\nThis is Bolt Rolands. Bolt is a hyper-sled\nracer with 10 wins on the pro circuit.\n\nBOLT\nHello, beautiful!\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) I think she means 10 wins\non the gay circuit.\n\n[Bolt chuckles.]\n\nBOLT\nI wish! Those cats can really fly.\n\n[Zoidberg is sitting alone at the bar. He tries to pick up a\ndrink but his claws just knock the glass over. He folds his arms\nand sulks. A lobster in a tank catches his eye and he stares\nand smiles, lovestruck. At the table, a green cloud is hovering\nwhere Bolt was.]\n\nAMY\nThis is M-5438, an entity of pure energy.\n\nLEELA\nThat's great - really - but he's just\nnot what I'm looking for.\n\nM-5438\nI understand. One day you will evolve\nbeyond your physical body, and on that\nday I hope you will pick up the phone.\n\n[He flies away. Amy sighs.]\n\nAMY\nYou're impossible.\n\n[Bender's gaydar beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nJust as well; I think he comes from\na dimension that's big on musical theatre.\n\n[Outside The Hip Joint. Everyone is leaving: Amy with M-5438,\nZoidberg with the lobster and Fry with the 21st century woman.\nBender is already outside.]\n\nFRY\nPsst, I need the apartment tonight.\nGo see a saucy puppet show.\n\n[He hands Bender some cash.]\n\nBENDER\nCan do!\n\n[The Hip Joint. Leela is the only person left in the room. A\njanitor passes by her table, sweeping.]\n\nJANITOR\nMy, my, my! What's a beautiful lady\nlike you -- Oh, my! Eurgh! I'm sorry,\nI thought you had two eyes.\n\n[He runs off.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. It's the next morning and everyone\nis sat around the table drinking coffee.]\n\nBENDER\nSo, Leela, you must have had your pick\nof the litter last night at closing\ntime.\n\nLEELA\nCould you guys please stop talking about\nmy personal life?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, let's all talk about Leela's personal\nlife later. But right now we have business\nto attend to.\n\nFRY\nA delivery?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. A tax-deductible mission of charity.\n\n[He flicks a switch, the lights dim and a holographic image of\na planet is projected over the table.]\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nThis is Vergon 6.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis is Vergon 6.\n\nAMY\nBuh!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's a sunny little doomed planet, inhabited\nby a number of frisky little doomed\nanimals.\n\nLEELA\nAnimals?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's right. Animals in desperate need\nof rescue. You see, Vergon 6 was once\nfilled with a super dense substance\nknown as dark matter, each pound of\nwhich weighs over ten thousand pounds.\n\n[The holographic Vergon 6 is filled with a black sphere.]\n\nLEELA\nWait! What about the animals?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, dark matter is extremely valuable\nas starship fuel. That's why it was\nall mined out, leaving the planet completely\nhollow.\n\n[The holographic dark matter dwindles to nothing.]\n\nLEELA\nYes, but what about the animals?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe wha?\n\nLEELA\nThe animals.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI didn't say anything about animals.\nNow it seems that the planet will collapse\nwithin three days. Incidentally, this\nwill kill all the animals.\n\nLEELA\nSo we have to bring back two of each\nkind. Just like Noah's Ark.\n\nBENDER\nWhy two? Oh!\n\n[He giggles.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The ship is en route to the planet. Bender and\nFry lean across the cockpit discussing things.]\n\nFRY\nI bet you Leela's holding out for a\nnice guy with one eye.\n\nBENDER\nThat'll take forever. What she oughta\ndo is find a nice guy with two eyes,\nthen poke one out.\n\nFRY\nYeah, that'd be a timesaver.\n\n[Leela is sat right behind them.]\n\nLEELA\nDo you mind?\n\nBENDER\nHere you go. You can use this as an\neye-poker.\n\nLEELA\nThank you. But I don't care how many\neyes a man has - as long as it's less\nthan five. All I'm looking for is a\nguy who's adventurous, self-confident...\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship flies on.]\n\nLEELA\n...maybe a snappy dresser.\n\n[As the ship flies away a larger ship - the Nimbus - flies over\nthe top.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. The captain - Zapp Brannigan - stands\nadmiring himself while his first officer Kif seems to do all\nthe work. They both wear red uniforms. Kif is a spindly little\ngreen alien and Zapp's physique is mostly made up of a huge,\npoorly contained gut.]\n\nZAPP\nThese new uniforms are pretty snappy,\neh, first officer?\n\nKIF\nI suppose, captain. I'm as big a fan\nof velour as you are. Now what do you\nwant to do about that unidentified ship?\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies across the viewscreen.]\n\nZAPP\nDestroy them! Mmm! That's got a nice\nfeel to it.\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nZAPP\nCaptain's journal; star date 3000.3.\n\nKIF\nWho are you talking to, sir?\n\nZAPP\nYou! Aren't you getting this? We have\ndetected a vessel attempting to break\nthe security cordon around Vergon 6.\nI'm anticipating an all-out tactical\ndogfight, followed by a light dinner...ravioli,\nham, sundae bar.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew can see the Nimbus through the\nwindscreen.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, look! That's Zapp Brannigan's ship.\n\nFRY\nWow! The Zapp Brannigan?\n\nLEELA\nUh-huh!\n\nFRY\nWho's the Zapp Brannigan?\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp and Kif watch the ship approach.]\n\nKIF\nShall I fire on them now, sir?\n\nZAPP\nNot yet, Kif. In the game of chess,\nyou can never let your adversary see\nyour pieces. What?\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nThey say Zapp Brannigan single-handedly\nsaved the Octillian system from a horde\nof rampaging Killbots.\n\nFRY\nWow!\n\nBENDER\nA grim day for robot-kind. Ah, but we\ncan always build more Killbots!\n\nLEELA\nHe's the most decorated captain in the\nwhole Democratic Order Of Planets.\n\nFRY\n(teasing) Leela's got a boyfriend!\n\nLEELA\nNo I don't. But I think we ought to\nmeet with him and see if he'll help\nus rescue those animals.\n\nBENDER\nWell just in case you guys hit it off\nyou'll wanna take this with you.\n\n[He holds up the fork.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nKIF\nSir, they're headed straight for us.\n\nZAPP\nA well-calculated move straight out\nof Sun Tzu's classic text The Art Of\nWar, or my own masterwork: Zapp Brannigan's\nBig Book Of War. But the one thing\ntheir captain doesn't realise and never\nwill is that --\n\nKIF\nSir, they've docked with us and have\ncome aboard.\n\nZAPP\nThen I have risked all and lost. Kif,\nold man, I'll be in the escape pod.\nIf that wicker chair I like survives\nthe slaughter, have it sent to my P.O.\nbox.\n\n[The door opens and the Planet Express crew walk in. Zapp screams\nand hides behind a chair. Leela looks around and sees Kif.]\n\nLEELA\nHello, I'm Leela, captain of the Planet\nExpress delivery ship. We've come aboard\nto plead for your assistance.\n\nKIF\nWell, if there's anything --\n\n[Zapp jumps in front of Kif.]\n\nZAPP\nI'm in command here. Zapp Brannigan.\nHas my fame preceded me or was I too\nquick for you?\n\nLEELA\nOh, not at all. I'm just so uh...really\nthrilled to meet you!\n\nZAPP\nYou're an impressive piece of captain.\nBeautiful and deadly - a potent combination.\n\nLEELA\n(flattered) You don't mean that!\n\nZAPP\nBut I do. I doubt I've seen more than\nthree or four captains sexier than you,\nand only one who was deadlier.\n\n[He takes her hand and Fry leans in.]\n\nFRY\nI heard that one time you single-handedly\ndefeated a horde of rampaging somethings\nin the something something system.\n\nZAPP\nThe Killbots? A trifle! It was simply\na matter of outsmarting them.\n\nFRY\nWow! I never would have thought of that!\n\nZAPP\nYou see, Killbots have a preset kill\nlimit. Knowing their weakness, I sent\nwave after wave of my own men at them,\nuntil they reached their limit and shutdown.\nKif, show them the medal I won.\n\n[Kif sighs and points to a medal on Zapp's uniform.]\n\n[Nimbus Mess Hall. Leela, Zapp, Fry and Bender sit at a table,\nlooking down at the rest of the crew who are eating. Kif is grating\ncheese over Zapp's food.]\n\nZAPP\nMore, please. A little more...more...keep\ngoing.\n\n[He carries on.]\n\nLEELA\nCaptain Brannigan, we really need to\ntalk to you about our mission.\n\nZAPP\nWhatever it is, I'm willing to put wave\nafter wave of men at your disposal.\nRight men?\n\n[He raises his glass to the crew.]\n\nCREWMAN\n(shouting) You suck!\n\nLEELA\nWe're hoping to save the animals of\nVergon 6 from extinction. And if you\ncould just --\n\n[Zapp spits out his drink.]\n\nZAPP\nVergon 6?! This light dinner is over.\n\nLEELA\nWait! What's wrong?\n\nZAPP\nThe Democratic Order Of Planets prohibits\ninterfering with undeveloped worlds.\nIt's a little rule known as \"Brannigan's\nLaw\".\n\nLEELA\nBut people already interfered. That\nplanet was mined completely hollow.\n\nZAPP\nYes, by a Democratic Order Of Planets\nmining crew.\n\nLEELA\nThis doesn't make any sense.\n\nZAPP\nI don't pretend to understand Brannigan's\nLaw. I merely enforce it.\n\nLEELA\nFine! We'll save the animals without\nyour help.\n\nZAPP\nI'm afraid I can't allow that. Guards!\n\n[Guards grab Leela, Fry and Bender.]\n\nFRY\nWhat just happened?\n\nBENDER\nHe's throwing us in prison.\n\n[Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nDang! Can I get this wrapped up?\n\n[He holds up his plate and Zapp nods.]\n\n[Nimbus Brig. Leela touches the force field around the doorway\nand gets electrocuted.]\n\nLEELA\nOw! I might've liked Zapp Brannigan\nif he weren't a pompous dimwit who threw\nme in prison.\n\nBENDER\nYou really are too picky.\n\n[Nimbus Corridor.]\n\nZAPP\nKif, follow me up to the observation\ndeck. I've got some musing to do.\n\n[Zapp climbs a ladder and Kif accidentally looks up his skirt.]\n\nKIF\nOh, jeez!\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Observation Deck.]\n\nZAPP\nI'm facing a formidable female adversary,\nKif. Suggestions?\n\nKIF\nI fail to see any problem sir. You already\nimprisoned her under directive B10.81.\n\nZAPP\nYou mean Brannigan's Law?\n\nKIF\nRight, that law.\n\nZAPP\nWhich one?\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nKIF\nBrannigan's Law.\n\nZAPP\nKif, you're my best and most loyal friend\nbut you've earned my contempt once again.\nAs my prod\u00e9g\u00e9 you should know that the\nonly way to deal with a female adversary\nis to seduce her. This time we are\nsure she's a woman, right?\n\nKIF\nYes.\n\nZAPP\nGood! Invite her to my quarters. Oh,\nand have the boy lay out my formal shorts.\n\nKIF\nThe boy, sir?\n\nZAPP\nYou. You lay out my formal shorts.\n\n[He disappears down the ladder.]\n\n[Nimbus Corridor. Kif walks past crewmembers with Leela following\nhim.]\n\nKIF\nThe jackass wants to see you in his\nquarters.\n\nLEELA\nGood. This will be my chance to reason\nwith him, captain to captain.\n\nKIF\nAnd he wants you to wear this.\n\n[Kif holds up a skimpy little outfit. Leela ignores it and knocks\non Zapp's door.]\n\nZAPP\nCome and get it!\n\n[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The doors open and Leela walks in.\nThe room is filled with candles and other crap. Zapp lies on\nhis hovering heart-shaped bed under a huge portrait of himself\nthat is similar to the portrait of JFK.]\n\nZAPP\nWelcome to my humble chamber. Or as\nI call it, \"the Love-nasium\". Shampagin?\n\nLEELA\nI didn't realise you were such a coin-a-sewer.\n\nZAPP\nWell I have studied abroad. Or two!\n\n[He laughs. Leela fakes a laugh and throws her champagne on the\nfloor while Zapp isn't looking.]\n\nLEELA\nCaptain...\n\nZAPP\nUh-huh?\n\nLEELA\n...if we could speak seriously for a\nmoment...\n\nZAPP\nUh-huh?\n\nLEELA\n...I'd like you to reconsider letting\nus rescue those animals.\n\nZAPP\nMm-hm. I like your style. I find it\nvery...(whispering)...erotic.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nZAPP\n(shouting) Erotic!\n\n[Cut to: Kif's Quarters. Zapp's words echo around the ship. Kif\ngets frustrated and bangs the ceiling with a broom handle.]\n\n[Nimbus Brig. Fry and Bender are still inside.]\n\nFRY\nWe can definitely escape, Bender. All\nyou have to do is bend the hatch off\nthis steam pipe.\n\nBENDER\nHey, yeah!\n\n[He bends the hatch off and the steam rushes out of it and starts\nfilling the room.]\n\nFRY\nNo good! It's full of steam!\n\n[Zapp's Quarters. Leela impatiently paces back and forth.]\n\nZAPP\nYou look like a woman who enjoys the\nfiner things. Come over here and feel\nmy velour bedspread.\n\nLEELA\nI'm not really in the mood.\n\nZAPP\nLeela, it's real velour. Just let yourself\ngo.\n\n[He rolls over onto his back.]\n\nLEELA\nCan I please just go back to prison?\n\nZAPP\nYou'd rather sit in prison than spend\none evening with the Zapper?\n\nLEELA\nMuch rather! What are you doing?\n\nZAPP\n(crying) Oh, God, I'm pathetic. Sorry.\nJust go. You want the rest of the shampagin?\n\nLEELA\nNo, and it's pronounced \"sham-pane\".\n\nZAPP\n(crying) Oh, God, no!\n\nLEELA\nIts not a big deal.\n\nZAPP\n(crying) I get so lonely. I just thought\nyou - a fellow captain - would understand.\n\nLEELA\nOh, forget it.\n\nZAPP\n(crying) Yeah, it's great ordering people\naround and stuff but through it all\nyou're completely alone.\n\nLEELA\nIt comes with the job.\n\nZAPP\n(crying) I'm just so lonely!\n\n[He cries more.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, come on, cheer up, it's not that\nbad.\n\n[Nimbus Brig. The room is still full of steam.]\n\nFRY\nYou wanna try escaping again?\n\nBENDER\nNah, I'm comfy.\n\n[They are wearing towels enjoying the steam room they've created.\n\nFRY\nMan, Leela's been gone a long time.\nI hope she's at least making progress\nwith Zapp Brannigan.\n\n[Cut to: Zapp's Quarters. The morning after the night before...\nLeela wakes up. She turns her head and sees she's lying in Zapp's\nbed. With him. He is still asleep and has a big grin on his face.\nShe screams.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela has got dressed and is sneaking out. Zapp\nwakes up.]\n\nZAPP\nGood morning, lover.\n\nLEELA\nUh, listen, Zapp.\n\nZAPP\nNow you're officially my woman. Kudos!\nI can't say I don't envy you.\n\nLEELA\nZapp, last night was a mistake.\n\nZAPP\nA sexy mistake.\n\nLEELA\nNo, just a regular mistake. For a split\nsecond my common sense was overwhelmed\nby pity.\n\n[Zapp laughs.]\n\nZAPP\nA split second is all it takes. That's\nwhy sooner or later you'll come crawling\nback to the Zapper.\n\nLEELA\nThe only kind of crawling I'm doing\nto you is away - from!\n\nZAPP\nLeela, you're obviously confused and\naroused.\n\nLEELA\nLook, I'm going down to Vergon 6 to\nsave those animals whether you like\nit or not.\n\nZAPP\nGo ahead. I won't stop you.\n\nLEELA\nThreaten all you -- wait, what?\n\nZAPP\nWe both know you won't make it halfway\nto Vergon 6 before the craving sets\nin. Then you'll come crawling back for\nanother taste of sweet, sweet candy...Bam!\n\n[He points at his crotch.]\n\nLEELA\nEurgh!\n\n[She storms out. Zapp chuckles.]\n\nZAPP\nKif!\n\n[Kif appears in the doorway.]\n\nKIF\nYes -- Yes, captain?\n\nZAPP\nI have made it with a woman. Inform\nthe men.\n\n[Nimbus Brig. Kif lets Fry and Bender out of the cell.]\n\nKIF\nThe fatso says you're free to go.\n\nFRY\nReally? Why?\n\nKIF\n(quietly) \"Why\" indeed.\n\n[He looks at Leela then walks off.]\n\nFRY\nWhat does that mean?\n\nLEELA\n(defensively) Nothing.\n\nBENDER\nSo should we get our stuff and head\ndown to the planet?\n\nLEELA\n(defensively) We just talked, OK?!\n\n[The ship flies down to Vergon 6, through the green cloudy sky.\nThe planet is surreal and Dali-like.]\n\n[Vergon 6 Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender stand beside the ship\nwith huge nets.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright. We don't have much time to\ncollect these animals. The planet is\nsupposed to collapse in approximately\ntwo hours ago.\n\n[Montage The crew hunt for the animals. First, Bender tries to\nfind the purple fruit snake but it finds him first and eats him.\nHe stands up inside the snake and drags it back to the ship.\nFry tries to get the windy shrimp but it blows him away. Leela\ntries to get the four legged mimic which looks like a horse but\ncopies people's heads and movements. Fry holds a net and tries\nto decide which one is the mimic. Leela points at the mimic and\nit points back at her. Fry looks...and throws the net over Leela.\nLater, Leela ticks off the final animal on the checklist.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The checklist is filled. A small animal comes out\nfrom behind some plants. It is mostly black, has one huge nostril\nin the middle of its face and a three eyes, one of them on a\nlong stalk coming out of the middle of it's head.]\n\nLEELA\nHello there. Hmm, he doesn't seem to\nbe on the checklist.\n\nBENDER\nSo you're saying we can cook him?\n\nFRY\nYeah, a barbecue! I'll wear my hilarious\napron.\n\nLEELA\nNo! I don't care how hilarious your\napron is, we're not cooking him. Aww,\nI'll call him Nibbler.\n\nBENDER\nAww! (whispering to Fry) I'll fire up\nthe grill!\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nLEELA\nI hope he'll be OK in there with all\nthose big animals.\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela opens the outer door, puts him in and\ncloses it. The other animals surround Nibbler. He sniffs at them\nand then eats one whole.]\n\n[Nimbus Observation Deck. Zapp is looking at Leela through a\ntelescope.]\n\nZAPP\nY'know, Kif, once my woman returns I\nwon't have much time to hang out with\nthe boys anymore.\n\nKIF\nThat's a shame, sir.\n\nZAPP\nSo let's make the most of our time together,\nshall we? Never mind. Just give me\na back rub.\n\n[Vergon 6 Surface. Bender carries a two-headed flamingo.]\n\nBENDER\nI found a pair of Hermaphlamingoes.\n\nLEELA\nGood. That's the last species.\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. The crew look inside and gasp in horror. The\nbay is nearly empty apart from Nibbler.]\n\nBENDER\nHey. What the?\n\nFRY\nWhere'd they all go?\n\n[Nibbler eats the Hermaphlamingoes, making lots of disgusting\nnoises. The crew watch and cringe.]\n\nLEELA\nNibbler!\n\nFRY\nI can't believe we flew halfway across\nthe galaxy and enjoyed a steam just\nto get lunch for that stupid animal!\n\nBENDER\nHe's pending for a bending.\n\n[He rolls up his sleeves and chases Nibbler. He runs to Leela\nand she picks him up.]\n\nLEELA\nLeave him alone. It's not his fault\nthat he's an unstoppable killing machine.\nIs it, snoogums?\n\n[The ground shakes, rocking the ship.]\n\nFRY\nThe planet's kerploding!\n\n[Cut to: Vergon 6 Surface. Fry runs out through a door and falls\nthrough the ground. Bender reaches into the hole and pulls him\nback up.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nPrepare for lift-off. We're out of\nfuel. Bender, I told you to fill the\ntank before we left.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, I'll do it when we get back.\n\n[The ground shakes again.]\n\nFRY\nMan, lucky for us Zapp Brannigan's nearby.\n\nLEELA\nNo way, forget it! I refuse to go crawling\nback to him!\n\nFRY\nWhat? What are you talking about?\n\nLEELA\n(defensively) Nothing. We just talked.\n\nBENDER\nSo what's your problem? It's not like\nyou slept with him. Oh, my God!\n\nFRY\nHow could you, Leela? I thought you\nhad some standards. I mean, jeez, he's\na dumb, gross gorilla!\n\nLEELA\nThat's enough. Don't you think I feel\nbad enough already?\n\nFRY\nNo!\n\n[The ground shakes more violently.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, alright I'll call him. I mean\nif living is that important to you.\n\n[Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nZAPP\nAnd that's why you'll never make captain,\nKif. Hmmm.\n\n[Leela face appears.]\n\nLEELA\nHello, Zapp?\n\nZAPP\nWell, well, well!\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nZapp, we're out of fuel...\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nLEELA\n...and Vergon 6 is about to implode.\nWe need your help.\n\nZAPP\nSo, crawling back to the Big Z like\na bird on its belly. Delicious.\n\nLEELA\nBird's don't crawl.\n\nZAPP\nThey've been known to.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nLook, are you going to rescue us or\nnot?\n\nZAPP\nCan't you ask a little more...sexfully?\n\n[Fry and Bender encourage Leela.]\n\nLEELA\n(sexfully) Please...\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nLEELA\n...Big Z?\n\nZAPP\nCertainly. But first you'll have to\nget rid of that thing. That's the law,\nLeela. And Brannigan's Law is like Brannigan's\nlove: hard and fast!...\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nZAPP\n...Now put that greasy rat outside\nand we'll tow you to safety.\n\nLEELA\nI would never abandon a helpless animal.\nY'know, Zapp, once I thought you were\na big pompous buffoon. Then I realised\nthat inside you were just a pitiful\nchild. But now I realise that outside\nthat child is a big pompous buffoon!\n\nZAPP\nAnd which one rocked your world?\n\n[Leela growls and slams down the receiver and his face fizzles\noff the screen.]\n\nFRY\nWow, way to tell that guy off. Now what's\nyour secret escape plan?\n\nLEELA\nUh, I guess to sit here and wait for\ndeath.\n\nBENDER\nCan do!\n\n[He puts his feet up and reclines in his chair. There is a huge\nbang and the ship jerks backwards.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat the hell was that?\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. There is a big round black blob in Nibbler's\nlitter tray.]\n\nFRY\nPew!\n\n[He fans the air in front of his nose.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't believe it! It's dark matter.\n\nBENDER\nSo this guy just unloaded a steaming\npile of starship fuel?\n\nLEELA\nHis species must've filled the entire\nplanet with it. Did you do that, you\ncute little -- Come on. That should\nbe more than enough fuel to get us outta\nhere. Bender, pick it up and put it\nin the engine.\n\n[Bender mutters to himself and drags the dark matter across the\nfloor towards the engine room.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Bender throws the dark matter into\nthe boiler.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The fuel gauge fills up, Leela throttles\nforward and the ship lifts off, moments before the ground collapses.\nThey fly away from the planet and it explodes. The crew cheer.]\n\nLEELA\nWe made it! And some of the animals\nsurvived.\n\n[She looks through the binoculars and sees some animals standing\non a tiny fragment of rock.]\n\nBENDER\nSo a couple of animals didn't die and\nLeela got lucky. That's what I call\na successful mission!\n\nFRY\nWe're heroes!\n\n[Leela's Quarters. Leela writes in her diary. Nibbler is on her\nlap and she is stroking him.]\n\nLEELA\n(thinking) Dear Captain's Diary. I may\nnot have found love on this mission\nbut I did find a cute little companion\nwho excretes starship fuel. And that's\njust as good.\n\n[She pauses for a moment then tears the page out, screws it up\nand throws it in the bin.]\n\n[Outside Nimbus.]\n\nZAPP\nCaptain's journal; star date...uh...\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nKIF\nApril 13th.\n\nZAPP\nApril 13th...point two.\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nZAPP\nWe have failed to uphold Brannigan's\nLaw. However, I did make it with a hot\nalien babe. And in the end is that not\nwhat man has dreamt of since first he\nlooked up at the stars? Kif, I'm asking\nyou a question!\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Fear-Of-A-Bot-Planet.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 105\n\n\"FEAR OF A BOT PLANET\"\n\nBy\n\nEvan Gore & Heather Lombard\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela are standing in front of the couch\nlooking out of the windscreen into open space.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat do you think of the view, Fry?\n\nFRY\nIt really puts things in perspective.\nI mean, from up here an entire world\ncan seem utterly insignificant.\n\n[A small planet splats onto the windscreen like a fly onto a\ncar. Leela presses a button and the windscreen wiper cleans it\noff.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Featuring Gratuitous Alien Nudity.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Pitch. The crew are sat watching what could\nbe a baseball game between the New New York Yankees and the Mars\nGreenskins...]\n\nBENDER\nHey, nice seats! We're close enough\nto when you knock a player down with\na beer bottle, he stays down.\n\nFRY\nI don't get this. Is blernsball exactly\nthe same as baseball?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBaseball? God forbid!\n\nLEELA\nFace it, Fry. Baseball was as boring\nas mom and apple pie. That's why they\njazzed it up.\n\nFRY\nBoring? Baseball wasn't -- hmm, so they\nfinally jazzed it up?\n\n[A player hits the ball. Fry jumps up, cheering.]\n\nFRY\nHome run! Ha ha! Yay! Right?\n\n[The ball is attached to a piece of elastic and springs back.\nA player catches it and the momentum carries him so he flies\nthrough the air with the ball. He reaches out and hits a base.]\n\nUMPIRE\nOut!\n\n[The crowd cheers and Leela writes on her scorecard.]\n\nFRY\nWhat just happened? Why is the ball\non that springy thing?\n\nLEELA\nIt's traditional. Just like aluminium\nbats and the seventh inning grope.\n\n[Another hit. A player jumps to catch the ball but misses it\nand is caught by Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nI got me a souvenir! Aww, here you\ngo, kid!\n\n[He hands the player to the boy.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Corridor. Zoidberg comes out of the Gents\nand approaches a vendor.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'd like a jumbo squid log, please.\n\nVENDOR\nWe don't sell those.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlright, alright. Let me have one of\nyour young on a roll.\n\nVENDOR\nWe're outta rolls.\n\nZOIDBERG\nFine! Just give me something crawling\nwith parasites.\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Pitch. Back in the bleachers, Zoidberg\neat a hotdog and purrs. The others have hotdogs too. Fry takes\na bite.]\n\nFRY\nMmm, at least hotdogs haven't changed.\n\nBENDER\nHey, buddies, who wants popcorn?\n\nLeela Oh, I'll have some.\n\nFRY\nMe!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, yes!\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes, please, popcorn!\n\n[Popping noises come from Bender's chest cabinet. He opens it\nand takes out a large tub of popcorn.]\n\nBENDER\nAnyone want butter on that?\n\n[He pumps his antenna.]\n\nFRY\nHey, I'm starting to get the hang of\nthis game. The blerns are loaded, the\ncount's three blerns and two anti-blerns\nand the infield blern rule is in effect,\nright?\n\nLEELA\nExcept for the word \"blern\" that was\ncomplete gibberish.\n\n[Something beeps. The blernsball falls into a hole and some things\ncome up in the pitch. The crowd cheers.]\n\nMAN\nMulti-ball! Multi-ball! Blern! Blerrrn!\n\n[Another player rides a hover-cycle around the pitch with the\nbases exploding behind him. A bullpen opens and someone comes\nout riding a huge spider. Fry scratches his head in confusion.\nLeela writes on her score card.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright! Yes! Miller's on a pace to\nhit 70 blerns!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHe's good, alright. But he's no Clem\nJohnson. And Johnson played back in\nthe days before steroid injections were\nmandatory.\n\nBENDER\nClem Johnson? That skin bag wouldn't\nhave lasted one pitch in the old Robot\nLeagues! Now Wireless Joe Jackson, there\nwas a blern hitting machine!\n\nLEELA\nExactly! He was a machine designed to\nhit blerns! I mean, come on, Wireless\nJoe was nothing but a programmable bat\non wheels.\n\nBENDER\nOh, and I suppose Pitchomat 5000 was\njust a modified howitzer?\n\nLEELA\nYep.\n\nBENDER\nYou humans are so scared of a little\nrobot competition you won't even let\nus on the field.\n\nFRY\nWhat are you talking about? There's\nall kinds of robots down there.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, doing crap work! They're bat boys,\nball polishers, sprinkler systems. But\nhow many robot managers are there?\n\nFRY\n11?\n\nBENDER\nZero! And what a surprise! Look who's\nscraping up the filth. Is it a human\nchild? I wish!\n\n[Farnsworth suddenly leans forward, clutching his chest.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, dear Lord!\n\nFRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's...my...new pager.\n\n[He takes his pager out of his lab coat and turns it on. A holographic\nimage of Hermes appears in front of him.]\n\nHOLO-HERMES\nThis is Hermes. A package just came\nin. Everyone is to return to the office\nimmediately. Get away, you filthy bird!\nShoo! Shoo! Professor, turn me off,\nquick!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sorry, wha?\n\n[Holo-Hermes screams. The bird takes off with him and carries\nhim towards the roof.]\n\nHOLO-HERMES\n(shouting) See you at the office!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.]\n\nBENDER\nAdmit it: You all think robots are just\nmachines built by humans to make their\nlives easier.\n\nFRY\nWell, aren't they?\n\nBENDER\nI've never made anyone's life easier\nand you know it!\n\n[Enter Farnsworth and a bandaged Hermes, who holds a box with\na Planet Express label on it and \"Chapek 9\" written on it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGreat news, everyone. You'll be delivering\na package to Chapek 9, a world where\nhumans are killed on sight.\n\nFRY\nWhy is that great news?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm glad you asked that question, Fry.\nYou see, Chapek 9 was colonised centuries\nago by a murderous crew of radical robot\nseparatists.\n\nBENDER\nOh, so just 'cause a robot wants to\nkill humans that makes him a \"radical\"?\n\nLEELA\nHey, hold on. I understand these robots\nhate humans, but how do they feel about\nhumanoid aliens?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThey're not fans.\n\nHERMES\nThat's why Bender will have to make\nthe actual delivery.\n\nBENDER\nOh, I get it, make the robot do all\nthe work!\n\nLEELA\nThis is the first actual work you've\never had to do around here.\n\nBENDER\nWell I'm not doing it! It's a robot\nholiday.\n\nFRY\nReally? Which one?\n\nBENDER\nOnly Robanukah. The holiest two weeks\non the robot calendar.\n\nLEELA\nOh, come on, Bender. Last month it was\nRobomadom and before that Robonza.\n\nFRY\nMan, that one was a blast!\n\nBENDER\nIt wasn't just a blast. It was a sacred\ntribute to my ancestral prototypes which\nhappened to take the form of a drinking\ncontest.\n\nHERMES\nNow, look here, Bender. I respect your\ndiversity to the extent the law requires\nbut you used up all your days off when\nyou had that bout with Roberculosis.\n\nBENDER\nAlright, I'll go. But so help me, I'll\nhold a grudge against every last stinking\none of you for the rest of your lives.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell then it's settled. So long, everyone!\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The ship approaches Chapek 9.]\n\nFRY\nSo let me get this straight: This planet\nis completely uninhabited?\n\nBENDER\nNo. It's inhabited by robots!\n\nFRY\nOh. Kinda like how a warehouse is inhabited\nby boxes.\n\n[Bender mutters to himself.]\n\n[The ship hovers above the surface of Chapek 9. The cargo bays\nbomb-bay doors open.]\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela holds a remote control to operate the\nmagnetic winch.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, Bender, we're here. It's time to\nget to work.\n\nBENDER\nYes, Miss Leela. Tote that space barge,\nlift that space pale.\n\nLEELA\nNow we can't land on the surface because\nthose robots will kill Fry and me. So\nwe'll have to stay up here and lower\nyou with the winch. And remember: You\ndon't know humans, you don't work for\nhumans, and, above all, you don't like\nhumans.\n\nBENDER\n(ironic) I'll try to keep that in mind!\n\n[He steps on the winch and Leela lowers it to the ground.]\n\nLEELA\nHmm, he seems pretty angry.\n\nFRY\nYeah, but I guess I'd be kinda angry\ntoo if I had to go to some uninhabited\nplanet.\n\nLEELA\nMaybe we ought to do something nice\nfor him.\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Leela and Fry have decorated it with banners,\npaper bending unit chains and a beer bottle Menorah.]\n\nLEELA\nThere! This oughta show that stupid\nrobot we care about him.\n\n[The phone beeps.]\n\nFRY\nAh, Bender must be done with the delivery.\n\n[Leela answers the call. Bender's face appears on the screen.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm in trouble. They found out I work\nwith humans and -- oh, no! Oh, no!\n\n[He screams and is dragged off into the darkness. The phone cuts\nto static.]\n\nFRY\nOh, my God! We have to go down and rescue\nhim.\n\nLEELA\nNo, we can't! They'll kill us on sight.\n\nFRY\nW-what are we gonna do?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know! I don't know! It's not\nan easy decision. If only I had two\nor three minutes to think about it.\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. Fry and Leela are dressing up in boxes and\nthings.]\n\nLEELA\nOK. If we're going to save Bender, we've\ngot to look and act exactly like robots.\n\nFRY\n(mechanical voice) I am fully operational,\ncaptain.\n\nLEELA\nWe'll have to walk like robots, talk\nlike robots and, if necessary, solve\ncomplex differential equations like\nrobots.\n\nFRY\nI can sorta dance like a robot. Will\nthat help?\n\n[He sort of dances like a robot. Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, first of all this is serious. And\nsecond of all:\n\n[She dances like a robot.]\n\n[Cut to: Chapek 9 Surface. Fry and Leela lower themselves to\nthe surface on the winch and come face to face with a huge robot\ncomplex. They walks towards it and Fry sees his reflection in\nthe colander Leela is wearing on her head.]\n\nFRY\nMan, we look stupid. We should've gotten\nstore-bought costumes.\n\nLEELA\nYeah, but there wasn't a Woolworth's\nin this quadrant.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Robot complex. They reach the gates of the complex\nbut are stopped by two huge robot guards.]\n\nGUARDBOT #1\nHalt!\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nBe you robot or human?\n\nLEELA\nRobot...we be.\n\nFRY\nUh, yup! Just two robots out roboting\nit up! Eh?\n\nGUARDBOT #1\nAdminister the test.\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nWhich of the following would you most\nprefer? A: A puppy, B: A pretty flower\nfrom your sweetie, or C: A large properly-formatted\ndata file?\n\nGUARDBOT #1\nChoose!\n\n[Fry and Leela whisper to each other about the answer.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) C! (talking) Is the puppy\nmechanical in any way?\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nNo. It is the bad kind of puppy.\n\nLEELA\nThen we'll go with that data file.\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nCorrect.\n\nGUARDBOT #1\nThe flower would also have been acceptable.\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nYou may pass.\n\n[The guardbots fold up like transformers and move to the side\nof the gates. Fry and Leela enter the complex.]\n\n[Cut to: Robot Complex. Fry and Leela walk down an empty corridor.]\n\nLEELA\nNow if you see any robots, just stay\nout of their way. (shouting) So far,\nso good.\n\n[Time Lapse. A robot construction worker is giving directions\nto a robot crane which is building a Tetris wall.]\n\nCONSTRUCTIONBOT\nLittle to the right, there you go.\n\nLEELA\nHave you seen this robot?\n\n[She shows him a picture of Bender dressed as a magician pulling\na rabbit out of a hat.]\n\nCONSTRUCTIONBOT\nSorry, can't help you. Hey, watch it!\nDon't drop that there! Oh!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela walk past a sign that says \"got milk?\nthen you're a human and must be killed\".]\n\nLEELA\nCome on, Fry, walk like a robot.\n\nFRY\nI can't. I have to go to the bathroom.\n\nLEELA\nRobots don't have bathrooms.\n\nFRY\nOh, right. I wonder where they smoke\nin high school.\n\nLEELA\nListen. Just go behind those garbage\ncans. I'll stand guard.\n\n[Fry does. A robot approaches Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nHurry up, Fry!\n\nROBOT\nSir? Are you aware that you're leaking\ncoolant at an alarming rate?\n\nFRY\nUh...\n\nROBOT\nLemme just patch you up with some hot\nresin.\n\nFRY\nI think the leak's stopping itself.\nWait. Wait. Yeah, there we go. Wait.\nYeah!\n\nROBOT\nWhat sort of robot turns down a free\nblast of searing-hot resin?\n\nLEELA\nI'm sorry. My friend and I have to go\nand perform some mindless repetitive\ntasks.\n\n[The robot chuckles.]\n\nROBOT\nSounds like a romantic evening. I won't\nkeep you.\n\n[The robot zooms away and churns up dust. Leela sneezes. The\nrobot turns around and growls. Leela kicks it over and she and\nFry run off. An anti-human patrol van comes and picks up the\nrobot.]\n\nPATROL OFFICER #1\nGet the humanoid.\n\nPATROL OFFICER #2\nGet the intruder.\n\nANNOUNCER\nIntruder alert! Intruder alert!\n\nLEELA\nQuick! Let's duck in here!\n\n[They run into a cinema (Now Showing: It Came From Planet Earth).]\n\n[Cinema Auditorium. The movie showing is similar to the popular\nhorror movies of the 1950's complete with all-American college\nboy and his beautiful yet naive girlfriend. Both robots. The\nrobot audience is wearing 3-D glasses.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nWe interrupt this sound file to bring\nyou a terrifying announcement: A non-metallic\nbeing has been sighted in the vicinity\nof Make Out Point.\n\nRUSTY\nSay, Wendy. Your chassis is a little\nscuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?\n\n[The bushes rustle.]\n\nWENDY\nDid you here that, Rusty? It sounded\nlike a human.\n\nRUSTY\nRelax, Wendy. Humans will never come\nto our defenceless little town. Its\nperfectly safe to let our guard down\n-- even for a second.\n\n[A human - actually a robot actor wearing a human costume - appears\nout of some bushes. Wendy screams and it growls, tears off Rusty's\nhead and eats it.]\n\nHUMAN\nI will eat and digest you all with\nmy system of mighty organs. Behold!\n\n[It opens itself up revealing human organs. The audience gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWow, the 3-D's great!\n\nLEELA\nMine's not working.\n\n[She moves the 3-D glasses back and forth over her eye. In the\nmovie the \"human\" stumbles around, breathes fire and finally\ncollapses. It has an arrow in its back. Wendy and an army robot\napproach it.]\n\nARMY ROBOT\nFunny, isn't it? The human was impervious\nto our most powerful magnetic fields,\nyet in the end he succumbed to a harmless\nsharpened stick!\n\n[He pulls the stick out of the \"human\" and chuckles.]\n\nWENDY\nI'm just glad the nightmare is over.\n\nARMY ROBOT\nIt'll never be over, Wendy. Even now\nhumans are lurking in our playgrounds,\nour breezeways, perhaps even...our movie\ntheatres!\n\n[He points into the camera at the audience. They scream.]\n\nFRY\nGod help us!\n\n[Outside Cinema. The movie has ended and the robots are filing\nout.]\n\nLEELA\nOK. Keep an eye out for Bender.\n\nROBOT #1\nSo, what did you think of the movie?\n\nFRY\nUmm, too much romance, not enough human\nkilling.\n\nROBOT #2\nYeah, it was a real chick flick.\n\n[A loud fanfare.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's that?\n\nROBOT #1\nWhat do you mean \"What's that?\"? It's\n5 o'clock: Time for the daily human\nhunt.\n\n[The robots all take out pitchforks, maces and fire torches and\nfile off in the same direction. Fry and Leela follow.]\n\nLEELA\nTry to stay with the crowd so no one\nnotices how crummy you look.\n\n[She is talking to a robot that looks like Fry disguised as a\nrobot.]\n\nROBOT #3\nAww, that was uncalled for!\n\nFRY\nI'm over here.\n\n[The robots congregate around a platform.]\n\nROBOT #4\nI heard a human was draining coolant\nbehind garbage can 738.\n\nROBOT #5\nI heard they unscrew our lug nuts at\nnight and eat them at their human brunches.\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nWelcome to a very special human hunt.\nWe have with us today a guest who's\nirrational hatred for humans makes me\nlook like a human sympathiser! A newly-arrived\nrefugee from Earth, lets hear it for...Bender!\n\n[Bender emerges from the shadows and stands at the microphone.]\n\nFRY\nIt's him! He's OK!\n\nBENDER\nDeath to humans!\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nFRY\nAhh! It's good to hear his voice!\n\nBENDER\nMany said I was too extreme when I first\ncalled for the annihilation of the human\nspecies, as well as some of the more\ncunning monkeys. But after living on\nEarth I can tell you that I am, if anything,\ntoo merciful!\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nFRY\nMy God! He's become evil. I mean eviler!\n\nBENDER\nThank you! Thank you! And if you enjoyed\nthat diatribe then you'll want to purchase\nmy spoken word album, just 18.95! Act\nnow and you'll get this Bender action\nfigurine.\n\n[He pulls the string]\n\nBENDER FIGURINE\nBite my shiny metal ass!\n\n[The robots wave cash.]\n\nROBOT #6\n(shouting) Oh, I want one!\n\n[Bender takes the money and hands out the figurines from a box.]\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nLet the hunt begin!\n\n[Robots rush off with clubs and start to hit bushes and look\nunder rocks.]\n\nBENDER\nNow, your basic human is between three-\nand 25-feet tall and is made of a hairy,\noily goo wrapped in a t-shirt.\n\nROBOT #1\nIs it true they bite your neck, suck\nyour transmission fluid and then you\nbecome a human?\n\nBENDER\nSure, why not?\n\n[They look in some bracken.]\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nAnything in the trap?\n\nBENDER\nNothing. Today's active humans prefer\na low-calorie bait.\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nWell that makes 146,000 unsuccessful\nhunts in a row. But I've got a good\nfeeling about tomorrow.\n\n[Bender sees a building.]\n\nBENDER\nWait! What's that?\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nThat's the old abandoned adult book\nstore. Nothing in there except a few\nmouldy old shreds of robot pornography.\n\nBENDER\nHmm, sounds like a breeding ground for\nhumans. I'd better check it out.\n\n[Adult Book Store. Bender is looking at robot porn - circuit\ndiagrams.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah! You're a bad girl, aren't\nyou?\n\nFRY\nPsst! Bender!\n\nBENDER\nHuh? Wha? You! What the hell are you\ndoing here?\n\nFRY\nWe've been looking for you. Last we\nheard you were under arrest as a human\nsympathiser.\n\nBENDER\nI was. But they let me go when I told\nthem I killed a million billion humans.\n\nLEELA\nGood for you. Now let's all get back\nto the ship.\n\nBENDER\nWhat for?\n\nFRY\nWe're rescuing you.\n\nBENDER\nI don't wanna be rescued.\n\nFRY\nSay what?\n\nBENDER\nI love this planet. I've got wealth,\nfame and access to the depths of sleaze\nthat those things bring.\n\nFRY\nBut, Bender, we're your friends.\n\nBENDER\nFriends? That activates my hilarity\nunit! I'm just a machine to you. You're\nno more friends with me than you are\nwith the toaster or the phonograph or\nthe electric chair.\n\nFRY\nThat's not true.\n\nBENDER\nWell that's how it feels to me.\n\n[There is an awkward silence.]\n\nFRY\nBye, Bender. I'll miss you.\n\nBENDER\nGo on, get out of here before you get\ncaught.\n\n[Enter the Robot Mayor and some other robots.]\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nBender, good news: Your album just went\ngold! What the?\n\nROBOT #1\nIt's the humans!\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nBender! Do something!\n\n[Bender grabs Fry and Leela.]\n\nBENDER\nUh...got you...you murderous flesh piles!\n\n[Robot Hall of Justice. Fry and Leela are in a cage. The judge\nis a Mac computer.]\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nYour Honour, I intend to demonstrate\nbeyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans\nbefore us are guilty of the crime of\nbeing humans. Come to think of it, I\nrest my case!\n\nJUDGE\nThank you, prosecutor. I will now consider\nthe evidence.\n\n[He begins to consider. A blue bar moves across his screen.]\n\nFRY\nHey, wait a minute! Isn't anyone going\nto defend us?\n\nLEELA\nYeah! I mean he might not have a case\nbut I'm genuinely not a human.\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nQuiet, human!\n\n[The judge stops considering. A prompt box shows up on his screen:\nSorry A System Error Occured [Restart] The court gasps in shock.]\n\nROBOT BAILIFF\nUh-oh! He froze up again!\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nTry control alt delete.\n\nROBOT #1\nJiggle the cord.\n\nROBOT #2\nTurn him off and on.\n\nROBOT #3\nClean the gunk out of the mouse.\n\nFRY\nCall technical support.\n\nROBOT BAILIFF\nOK, OK, he's back online.\n\nJUDGE\nI find the defendants - guilty!\n\n[The court cheers.]\n\nFRY\nNo!\n\nLEELA\nLook! One eye! Count them: One! Not\nhuman!\n\nJUDGE\nThe humans are hereby sentenced to live\nas robots live on Earth. They will perform\ntedious calculations and spot-weld automobiles,\nuntil they become obsolete and are given\naway to an inner-city middle school.\n\n[The court cheers again.]\n\nROBOT MAYOR\nGreat work, Bender! You've taught us\nto hate humans all over again!\n\n[Bender chuckles and sighs. The bailiff pulls a lever and Fry\nand Leela fall through the floor.]\n\n[Cut to: Room. It is pitch black. Fry and Leela hit the floor.]\n\nLEELA\nAre you alright?\n\nFRY\nOh, yeah.\n\n[The lights come on. Fry is upside down. They are sat before\nfive tall robots. Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nWho are you?\n\nBLUE ELDER\nWe are the robot elders.\n\nFRY\nYou don't look very old.\n\nBLUE ELDER\nThanks. We try to take care of ourselves.\n\nLEELA\nWhat's going on here?\n\nRED ELDER\nSilence! Bring in Bender.\n\n[The doors open. Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright, let's make this quick, I'm\ndue at the opening of a mini-mall. Hey!\nWhat is this?\n\nBLUE ELDER\nSilence! It is time to put the humans\nto death.\n\n[Fry and Leela gasp.]\n\nFRY\nBut the judge already sentenced us at\nthe trial!\n\nRED ELDER\nSilence! That was just a show for the\npublic. We are the true rulers of this\nplanet, hand carved from meteorites\nby the Robot Founders over four centuries\nago.\n\nBLUE ELDER\nSilence! Come forward Bender. You will\nhave the honour of executing the prisoners.\n\nGREEN ELDER\nSilence! I concur!\n\nYELLOW ELDER\nHere: Use the ceremonial killer-ma-jig.\n\nBENDER\nUh, I'm a little tired right now. Would\nit be alright if I just gave 'em a savage\nbeating?\n\nBLUE ELDER\nNo! The Elders have spoken. Show us\nthe killing skills than have made you\na media darling.\n\nGREEN ELDER\nDo it now! Kill them before they bring\ndown our whole society!\n\nELDERS\n(chanting) Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!\nDo it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do\nit! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!\n\nBENDER\nAww! I can't kill them. Plenty of humans\nhave mistreated robots but not these\ntwo. They're my friends. Humans are\nno threat to us. They're stupid, putrid\ncowards.\n\nFRY\nDamn right!\n\nBENDER\nThe fact is, humans are completely harmless.\n\nBLUE ELDER\nWe're well aware of that.\n\nBENDER\nYou are?\n\nBLUE ELDER\nOf course. But they're useful to us\nas a scapegoat to distract the public\nfrom their real problem.\n\nGREEN ELDER\nLike our crippling lug nut shortage.\n\nORANGE ELDER\nAnd a corrupt government of incompetent\nRobot Elders.\n\nYELLOW ELDER\nDuh, that's for sure.\n\nBLUE ELDER\nQuiet, Jimmy.\n\nBENDER\nWell, I'm glad we got all that out in\nthe open. We'll just let ourselves out.\n\nGREEN ELDER\nSilence! You all know too much.\n\nBLUE ELDER\nElders: Execute function, control, shift,\nkill!\n\n[They form a line and sharp things come out of their arms. They\nmove towards Fry, Leela and Bender who back away. Fry suddenly\nleaps forward.]\n\nFRY\nStop! Take one more step and I'll breathe\nfire on you!\n\n[The Elders exchange glances.]\n\nLEELA\nHe'll do it. He's crazy!\n\nYELLOW ELDER\nCan they really breathe fire or did\nwe make that up?\n\nBLUE ELDER\nGee, I can't remember anymore! It might\njust be from that stupid movie.\n\nORANGE ELDER\nWas that the original or the re-make?\n\n[The crew sneak away.]\n\nBLUE ELDER\nI don't -- hey! They're getting away.\n\n[Chapek 9 Surface. Outside the robot complex, Fry, Leela and\nBender run towards the winch with hundreds of robots chasing\nthem. They jump onto it and Leela presses the button.]\n\nFRY\nSo long, suckers! Uh, hello, suckers!\n\nBENDER\nHey, hold on a second, I forgot to deliver\nthe package.\n\n[He hands the parcel to a robot. It loses its balance and falls,\nalong with the rest of the robots. The parcel bursts open.]\n\nROBOT #7\nLug nuts! Precious lug nuts!\n\nROBOT #8\nHooray for the humans!\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The ship speeds out of orbit of Chapek 9. Bender\nsees the decorations.]\n\nBENDER\nWow, I can't believe you guys did all\nthis for me! This is the best Robanukah\never!\n\nFRY\nWe wanted to show you that we really\ndo respect your robot heritage.\n\nBENDER\nAww, thanks! You do know that I made\nRobanukah up to get out of work, right?\n\nLEELA\nOf course.\n\nFRY\nBut that doesn't make it any less meaningful.\n\nBENDER\nIn that case, let the dancing begin!\nHey, you guys are good. How the hell\ndo you do that?\n\n[The crew enjoy the party and take several photos of the occasion.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Fishful-Of-Dollars.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 106\n\n\"A FISHFUL OF DOLLARS\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Fry's Bedroom. Fry is awoken by squeaking bed springs from the\napartment next door. He growls.]\n\nFRY\nI can't take it anymore! They've been\nat it for hours! (shouting) Give it\na rest, you two!\n\n[Cut to: Next Door Apartment. The robots next door are sat playing\npoker. They have springy bodies which are constantly squeaking.\nOne of the robots oils his springs.]\n\nROBOT\n(shouting) Sorry!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Loading...]\n\n[Fry's Bedroom. Fry is asleep.]\n\n[Fade to: Fry's Dream. He is in a packed lecture hall. An old\nteacher stands at the front of the room. She wears frosted half-moon\nglasses and has grey hair.]\n\nTEACHER\nGood morning, class. I trust you've\nall prepared for today's final exam.\n\nFRY\nUh, excuse me? I missed a few lectures.\nUh, what subject is this?\n\nTEACHER\nAncient Egyptian algebra.\n\n[She points to the blackboard, revealing it is filled with Egyptian\nhieroglyphs. Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWhat a nightmare!\n\nTEACHER\nMister Fry, are those your underpants?\nYoung man, I think it's time you learned\na lesson about Lightspeed brand briefs.\n\n[She pulls down a poster showing the briefs.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voice-over) Lightspeed fits today's\nactive lifestyle. Whether you're on\nthe job......or having fun... Lightspeed\nbriefs. Style and comfort for the discriminating\ncrotch.\n\n[Like an advertisement, a pair of lightspeeds appear in front\nof a flashing background.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The dream ends and Fry suddenly wakes\nup.]\n\nFRY\nWhat a weird dream! I'll never get back\nto sleep.\n\n[He falls asleep instantly.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are sat around the table.]\n\nFRY\nSo you're telling me they broadcast\ncommercials into people's dreams?\n\nLEELA\nOf course.\n\nFRY\nBut, how is that possible?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's very simple. The ad gets into your\nbrain just like this liquid gets into\nthis egg. Although in reality it's\nnot liquid, but gamma radiation.\n\nFRY\nThat's awful. It's like brainwashing.\n\n[Leela wipes the yolk from her hair.]\n\nLEELA\nDidn't you have ads in the 20th century?\n\nFRY\nWell, sure, but not in our dreams. Only\non TV and radio. And in magazines and\nmovies and at ball games and on buses\nand milk cartons and t-shirts and written\nin the sky. But not in dreams. No siree!\n\nBENDER\nQuit squawking, flesh wad, nobody's\nforcing you to buy anything.\n\nAMY\nYeah. I mean we all have commercials\nin our dreams but you don't see us running\noff to buy brand name merchandise at\nlow, low prices.\n\n[After a long silence they get up and run out.]\n\n[Alien Overlord & Taylor. A department store. Enter the Planet\nExpress staff who are immediately preyed on by a saleswoman at\nthe cosmetics stand.]\n\nSALESWOMAN\nHi! Care to sample the latest fragrance\nfrom Calvin Clone?\n\nAMY\nNo thanks.\n\n[The saleswoman sprays her. Amy curses in Chinese and walks away\nrubbing her eyes.]\n\nSALESWOMAN\nAnd you, sir?\n\nBENDER\nNo thanks I --\n\n[The saleswoman sprays him. Bender sprays her back with oil,\ncovering her face. She coughs and splutters.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela is sat on a chair at the cosmetics stand.\nA cosmetologist brushes away her fringe.]\n\nCOSMETOLOGIST\nWhat a lovely face. We just need to\ndraw attention away from the eye area.\n\n[She zaps Leela with something and then holds up a mirror. Leela\nsees her reflection and sighs. The woman has plastered her face\nin lipstick so she looks like a clown. In the menswear department\nFry picks up a box of the briefs.]\n\nFRY\nCool. Can I try these on before I buy\nthem?\n\nSALESMAN\nI'm afraid I can't let you open the\npackage. But you can try on the demo\npair.\n\n[He pulls out a pair of smelly underpants and sprays them with\ndeodorant.]\n\n[Fitting Room. Fry puts the briefs and is impressed.]\n\nFRY\n: Ooh! Ho ho ho!\n\n[He sees his reflection in the mirror - a muscled man surrounded\nby women. Then he sees the notice: Objects In The Mirror Are\nLess Attractive Than They Appear and sighs.]\n\n[Alien Overlord & Taylor. In the robot accessories department,\nBender, wearing a green sweater, picks up a few cans of Mom's\nOld Fashion Robot Oil from a pile and hides them under the sweater.]\n\nAMY\nHey, Bender! Great new sweater.\n\nBENDER\nNew? What sweater? I came in with it.\nI don't know you people!\n\n[He walks off. A hovering CCTV camera follows him. Back in the\nmenswear department, Fry is buying the Lightspeeds.]\n\nSALESMAN\n$30, please.\n\nFRY\n$30? I can't afford that. Unless...\nDo you take Visa?\n\nSALESMAN\nVisa hasn't existed for 500 years.\n\nFRY\nAmerican Express?\n\nSALESMAN\n600 years.\n\nFRY\nDiscover card?\n\nSALESMAN\nSorry we don't take Discover.\n\n[Amy, Leela, Zoidberg and Bender walk up behind him.]\n\nAMY\nHey! You're springing for Lightspeed?\nPretty ritzy!\n\nFRY\nNo, I can't afford them. Being poor\nsucks. What kind of world is this where\nthey advertise things not everybody\ncan afford?\n\nAMY\nQuiet. There's an ad coming on.\n\n[On the screens an old woman, the same woman from on the tins\nof oil - Mom - sits in a chair knitting. She is wearing a huge\ngreen dress and an apron around her front. Behind her on the\nwall is a picture of three men dressed in the same grey clothes.]\n\nMOM\nHello shoppers. It's me, Mom!\n\nFRY\nHey who's the rocker jockey?\n\nAMY\nGuh! It's Mom. The world's most huggable\nindustrialist.\n\nMOM\nCall me old fashioned, but when my\nrobot starts to squeak like an old screen\ndoor well, that's when I reach for a\ncan of Mom's Old Fashioned Robot Oil.\n\nBENDER\nMmm, tasty!\n\nMOM\nAnd remember: Mom's oil is made with\n10% more love than the next leading\nbrand!\n\n[She smiles.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n\"Mom\", \"love\" and \"screen door\" are\nregistered trademarks of Mom Corp.\n\n[The tins under Bender's sweater squeak.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Bender. Sounds like you could use\na little of that oil.\n\n[Some tins fall out of Bender's sweater. Seven hovering CCTV\ncameras surround him. He looks up at them.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm boned.\n\nSMITTY\nFreeze scuzzbot!\n\nBENDER\nUh, there's obviously been some sort\nof a mistake here. I'm sure there's......I\nsay I'm sure there's......that is, I'm\nsure there's...a very...reasonable...\n\n[And some more.]\n\n[Outside New New York Police Department. On a sign outside is\nAsk About Our Generous Brutality Settlements.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Police Department. At the front desk Fry\ncounts some money.]\n\nAMY\nDo we have enough money to pay Bender's\nfine?\n\nFRY\n78, 79. 79.50. Crud! We're 50 cents\nshort.\n\nLEELA\nI'd love to chip in, but Bender stole\nmy wallet.\n\n[Fry sees something through a window, a building called Big Apple\nBank.]\n\nFRY\nHey, that's my old bank. Maybe my account's\nstill open.\n\n[Big Apple Bank. Fry steps forward to the desk and has a retina\nscanned.]\n\nTELLER\nHmm. We don't seem to have your retina\nscan, your fingerprint or your colonic\nmap on file.\n\nFRY\nYeah, well, I did open the account over\na thousand years ago. What about my\nATM card?\n\n[The teller pulls out an old ATM machine from under the desk\nand blows the dust off it.]\n\nTELLER\nDo you still remember your PIN number?\n\nFRY\nSure! It's the price of a cheese pizza\nand a large soda back where I used to\nwork, Panucci's Pizza.\n\nTELLER\nOK, you had a balance of 93 cents...\n\n[Fry looks at Amy and Leela.]\n\nFRY\nAlright!\n\nTELLER\n...and at an average of 2 and a quarter\npercent over a period of 1000 years,\nthat comes to...$4.3 billion.\n\n[Fry stares for a moment and suddenly starts hyperventilating\nand foaming at the mouth. Then he faints.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are gathered in celebration,\nwearing top hats and drinking champagne.]\n\nHERMES\nTo Fry.\n\nAMY\nCheers!\n\n[They raise their glasses.]\n\nLEELA\nI know Fry's rich, but do we really\nhave to wear these top hats?\n\nBENDER\nMaybe you don't understand just how\nrich he is. In fact, I think I'd better\nput on a monocle.\n\n[And he does.]\n\n[Le Spa. Fry lives the high life. At Le Spa Fry and Leela get\na relaxing massage and Bender gets a buffing.]\n\n[Famous-Painting-Shooting. Next, Fry and Leela walk down a corridor\npast many famous paintings. Fry stops at the Mona Lisa, points\nto it and buys it. The corridor is just a wall in the open countryside\nwith paintings hanging on it. A man loads the painting into a\ncatapult and fires it. Fry, Bender and Leela raise their lasers\nand shoot it, blasting it to pieces.]\n\n[Original Cosmic Ray's Pizza. The Planet Express staff are gathered\naround a table for lunch.]\n\nFRY\nPizza dinner on me! Just keep the tab\nunder $50 million.\n\nROBOT CHEF\nYo! I haven't got all day. What kind\nof pizza yous guys want?\n\nFRY\nUh, yeah. We'll have one with everything\nbut anchovies and one with my all time\nfavourite topping, anchovies!\n\nROBOT CHEF\n(mechanical voice) Invalid selection.\n(normal voice) Yo, what are you talking\nabout?\n\nFRY\nAnchovies? You know? Those little headless\nfish?\n\nROBOT CHEF\n(mechanical voice) Does not compute.\nDoes not compute.\n\n[His head explodes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sorry, Fry, but the anchovy has\nbeen extinct since the 2200's.\n\nFRY\nWhat?!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my, yes. Fished to death. Just about\nthe time your people arrived on Earth\nwasn't it, Zoidberg?\n\nZOIDBERG\n(defensively) I'm not on trial here.\n\nFRY\nSo none of you has ever had anchovies?\nOh, man! You don't know what you're\nmissing. They were all salty and oily\nand they melted in your mouth and --\n\nZOIDBERG\nStop! Stop! I admit it! My people ate\nthem all! We kept saying \"One more can't\nhurt\" and then they were gone. We're\nsorry!\n\n[He holds his claws to his head and hangs it in shame. Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nI just wished I could've showed you\nguys how great they were. I may be rich\nbut I still can't buy back all the things\nI miss from the 20th century.\n\nBENDER\nMaybe you're forgetting just how rich\nyou are. Huh? Huh?\n\n[Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A banner outside advertises\n\"With Original Asbestos\". On the steps Fry shakes hands with\nthe landlord and moves in.]\n\n[Historic 20th Century Apartment. Amy, Bender and Leela are already\nin there. Amy picks up the telephone is puzzlement and puts the\nreceiver over her eyes. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nSo? What do you think?\n\nLEELA\nI know you spent a lot of money on this\nplace, Fry, but it's awfully primitive.\nThe floors are made of such hard wood.\n\nBENDER\nHey! Get a load of this pathetic 20th\ncentury TV!\n\nFRY\nWhat's wrong with it?\n\nBENDER\nWell, aside from causing eye cancer,\nthese things had a lousy low-definition\npicture.\n\nAMY\nThat's true. On a TV like this I bet\nyou couldn't even make out my obscene\ntattoo.\n\n[She rolls her sleeve up to reveal her obscene tattoo which appears\nblurry. Bender whistles and Leela chuckles.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's cute!\n\n[Staadgi & Staadgi Auctioneers. In the crowded room Fry bids\nfor something.]\n\nAUCTIONEER\nSold!\n\nFRY\nYes!\n\nLEELA\nI just don't get it. Who was this Ted\nDanson? And why would you pay $10,000\nfor his skeleton?\n\nFRY\nI have an idea for a sitcom.\n\nBENDER\nAh, leave him alone, Leela. So he's\ngoing a little wacko with his money.\nIt's OK.\n\nLEELA\nYou're just saying that because he bought\nyou that antique robot toy.\n\n[Bender chuckles.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, it is cute.\n\n[He starts playing with a \"Knock 'Em, Sock 'Em\" toy. One little\nrobot punches the other's head off and Bender screams.]\n\nAUCTIONEER\nNow, our final item: This unopened can\nof Angry Norwegian brand anchovies circa\n1997.\n\nFRY\nAnchovies?!\n\nAUCTIONEER\nThe last known can in existence guaranteed\nfresh and edible. Do I hear $10,000?\n\nFRY\n15,000!\n\nMAN\n20!\n\n[A rich Decapodian woman stands up.]\n\nDECAPODIAN WOMAN\n30! No, 40!\n\nFRY\n50,000!\n\n[The other bidders whisper to each other.]\n\nLEELA\nAre you crazy? It's a can of old fish.\n\nFRY\nDon't tell me how to spend my money.\n\nAUCTIONEER\n50 going once, twice...\n\n[He raises his gavel but is interrupted by Mom.]\n\nMOM\n75,000.\n\n[The room gasps. Mom is stood at the back of the room with the\nthree men from the picture in the ad.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, my God, it's Mom! I've never seen\nher in person before.\n\nFRY\n100,000.\n\n[More whispering from the bidders.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, you can't bid against Mom. She's\nthe richest, most powerful person in\nthe world. And she's so adorable.\n\n[Mom looks in her purse.]\n\nMOM\nWell, I suppose I could go as high as...300,000.\n\nFRY\n500!\n\nMOM\nOh, mercy be. A million.\n\nFRY\nTwo.\n\nMOM\nSix.\n\nFRY\n14!\n\nMOM\nI can see the nice young man really\nwants those little fish. Nevertheless,\nI'll bid 23 million.\n\n[Fry stands up and raises his hand.]\n\nFRY\nOne jillion dollars.\n\n[The bidders gasp in shock.]\n\nAUCTIONEER\nSir, that's not a number.\n\n[The bidders gasp again.]\n\nFRY\nOh. In that case, 50 million.\n\n[Mom turns to three men behind her.]\n\nMOM\nWell, boys, your old mother knows when\nshe's been beat. You win, young man.\nI tip my bonnet to you.\n\n[The other bidders murmur.]\n\nBIDDER #1\nIsn't she adorable?\n\nBIDDER #2\nIsn't she sweet?\n\n[The auctioneer bangs his gavel.]\n\nAUCTIONEER\nWhat a class act! Sold! To the gentleman\nwho bought every item in today's auction.\n\n[Fry stands up an cheers himself but the other bidders boo him.]\n\n[Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry wanders around the room\nin the dark and picks up a box.]\n\nFRY\nNow for some good old 20th century TV.\n\n[He puts a video tape into the VCR.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nDo you remember a time when chocolate\nchip cookies came fresh from the oven?\nPetridge Farm remembers.\n\nFRY\nAh, those were the days.\n\nANNOUNCER\nDo you remember a time when women couldn't\nvote and certain folk weren't allowed\non golf courses? Petridge Farm remembers.\n\n[A knock at the door.]\n\nLEELA\nFry? Are you there?\n\nFRY\nEh?\n\n[Enter Leela and Bender. Fry turns the TV off.]\n\nLEELA\nYou haven't been to work in three days.\nWhat have you been doing?\n\nFRY\nI've been sitting right here. I picked\nup my life exactly where I left off\na thousand years ago. Now if you'll\nexcuse me it's 8 o'clock. Time to get\nbiz-ay!\n\n[Fry turns the stereo on and listens to Baby Got Back by Sir\nMix-a-lot. Leela turns it off.]\n\nLEELA\nYou can't just sit here in the dark\nlistening to classical music.\n\nFRY\nI could if you hadn't turned on the\nlights and shut off the stereo.\n\nLEELA\nFry, this isn't healthy. You're living\nin the past.\n\nFRY\nI'm rich! I can live whenever I want.\n\nLEELA\nBut we're your friends and we live here\nin the year 3000.\n\nBENDER\nYeah. Now are you gonna come to the\nsquid fights with us or sit here wallowing\nin your prehistoric junk?\n\nFRY\nJunk? Maybe you can't understand this\nbut I've finally found what I need to\nbe happy, and it's not friends: It's\nthings.\n\n[He gets up and walks towards the door. Bender turns around.]\n\nBENDER (SADLY)\nI'm a thing.\n\nFRY\nJust leave me alone.\n\n[Fry opens the door and Leela and Bender walk out.]\n\nLEELA\nFry please. My ponytail's caught in\nthe door.\n\nFRY\nI don't need them. Not when I have my\nantique videos, my bucket of fossilised\nKFC and 50 million dollars worth of\nanchovies.\n\n[He kisses the tin of anchovies.]\n\n[Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building Corridor. Mom walks towards\nher office, followed by her sons.]\n\nMOM\nMercy me, what a day.\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Office.]\n\nMOM\nCould you shut the door, Igner dear?\nI think I feel a draught coming on.\nHoly crap, that bastard's itchy! Walt!\nCream soda!\n\n[Walt is the oldest. He has a full head of black hair.]\n\nWALT\nRight away, mother. Larry, get your\nmother a cream soda.\n\nLARRY\nBut Mom said --\n\n[Walt slaps him.]\n\nWALT\nYou heard me.\n\n[Mom drinks the can of soda, throws it down then lights a cigarette.]\n\nIGNER\nWhat's wrong, Mommy?\n\nMOM\nIt's those damned anchovies. That dirtbag,\nFry, must know their secret. And I won't\nrest until I get my hands on them. No\none messes with Mom!\n\n[She laughs evily. Walt laughs with her. Larry and Igner join\nin. Walt slaps Larry.]\n\nWALT\nQuiet, you!\n\n[Time Lapse. Mom is now sat behind a huge desk.]\n\nMOM\nAs you boys know, one of the cornerstones\nof my empire is Mom's Old Fashioned\nRobot Oil. Think of it: 10 billion robots.\nEach one needing an oil change every\n3000 miles. You don't have to do the\nmath to know that's a buttload of oil.\n\nIGNER\nCan I wear your fat suit?\n\nMOM\n(shouting): No, Igner, put that down.\n\n[Igner drops the fat suit arm.]\n\nIGNER\nAww.\n\nWALT\nWhat does this have to do with the anchovies?\n\nMOM\nI'm getting to the freaking anchovies.\nA single drop of the anchovies natural\noil would lubricate 10 robots permanently.\n\nLARRY\nWow, it's a shame they went extinct.\n\nMOM (SHOUTING)\nNo it isn't, shut your filthy trap!\n(talking) Thank you, Walt. If anyone\never got a hold of anchovy DNA, they\ncould chop out the oil-making gene,\nstick it in a bunch of third world kids\nand bam! Cheap effective robot oil.\nEnough to put dear old Mom out of businness.\n\nWALT\nMy God! This Mr. Fry must be a mastermind\nof the highest order.\n\n[Cut to: Historic 20th Century Apartment. Fry is sat in the dark\nwatching Sanford & Son.]\n\nFRED\nEsther, you ugly!\n\n[Fry laughs.]\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Friendly Robot Company Building: Mom's Office.]\n\nMOM\nWe have only one option: We'll have\nto bankrupt Mr Fry, so he'll be forced\nto sell the anchovies to us.\n\nWALT\nMother, you are one clever old skag!\n\nMOM\nAnd don't you forget it!\n\nLARRY\nBut how are we supposed to get Fry's\nmoney out of the bank?\n\nMOM\nThat part will be easy, thanks to the\nnice people at Mom's Old Fashioned Video\nSurveillance Unit.\n\n[She puts another tape in. The scene at Big Apple Bank replays\non the TV.]\n\nTELLER [ON TV]\nDo you still remember your PIN number?\n\nFRY [ON TV]\nSure! It's the price of a cheese pizza\nand a large soda back where I used to\nwork, Panucci's Pizza. It's the price\nof a cheese pizza and a large soda --\n\n[Mom turns the TV off.]\n\nMOM\nYou know what needs to be done.\n\nLARRY\nWhat?\n\nMOM (SHOUTING)\nGet his PIN number, you idiots! (talking)\nNow I'm off to some chairty BS for knocked-up\nteenage sluts.\n\n[Historic 20th Century Apartment. There is a knock at the door.]\n\nWALT [FROM OUTSIDE]\nMr. Fry. It's those three plumbers you\ncalled for.\n\nLARRY [FROM OUTSIDE]\nWe're here to tighten your drains.\n\n[The sounds of Walt's hand meeting Larry's face is heard. Fry\nopens the door.]\n\nFRY\nI didn't order any --\n\n[Walt and Igner jump on Fry and pin him to the floor.]\n\nWALT\nQuick! Give him the tranquilliser.\n\n[Larry puts some tablets in Fry's mouth and strokes them down\nhis throat.]\n\nLARRY\nThat's a good boy.\n\n[Fry falls unconscious.]\n\n[Pizzeria Set. Fry comes around and sees a disguised Walt wearing\na fake handlebar moustache.]\n\nWALT\nWake up, Mr. Fry.\n\nFRY\nWhere am I?\n\nWALT\nYou're in the good old year 2000, working\nhere at Panucci's Pizza. You fell asleep\non the job.\n\nFRY\nThat sounds like me but, I thought I\ngot frozen. Wasn't I in the future?\n\nWALT\nNo, you only \"dreamed\" you were in the\nyear 3000.\n\nFRY\nSo I'm really back? That's exactly what\nI wanted, I guess. Who are you?\n\nWALT\nI'm Mr. Panucci.\n\nFRY\nYou are? Did you grow a moustache since\nlast night?\n\n[Walt tears off the moustache.]\n\nWALT\nNo. Now go work the currency register.\nI think I hear a customer coming...I\nsaid \"I think I hear a customer coming\"!\n\n[Cut to: Backstage. Larry is forcing a dress over Igner's head.\nPamela Anderson's head in jar is on a table.]\n\nANDERSON\nHurry up, please. I wanna get back to\nthe head museum.\n\nLARRY\nDon't worry, Miss Anderson, this won't\ntake long. Now, your motivation is you're\nback in the year 2000 and your head's\nstill on your body, and you want a cheese\npizza.\n\n[He picks up the jar and puts it on Igner's head.]\n\nANDERSON\nOK, but I'm only doing this so people\nwill take my head seriously as an actress.\n\n[Cut to: Pizzeria Set. Fry notices something on a sign above\nhim.]\n\nFRY\nHey, look! Anchovies!\n\nWALT\nOf course. They're not extinct yet.\nAnd if you need further proof that this\nis really a thousand years ago well,\nhere's contemporary actress, Pamela\nAnderson!\n\n[Enter Pamela Anderson on top of Igner.]\n\nFRY\nOoh!\n\nANDERSON\nHello, Fry. Remember me from Baywatch:\nThe Movie?\n\nFRY\nUh...\n\nANDERSON\nIt was the first movie to be shot entirely\nin slow motion.\n\n[Walt leans in to Anderson.]\n\nWALT (WHISPERING)\nIt hasn't been made yet.\n\n[Walt shakes his head.]\n\nWALT\nNope.\n\nANDERSON\nCrap!\n\nFRY\nWait. You're Pamela Anderson! Cool!\nWhat can I get you?\n\nANDERSON\nOh, I'll have a cheese pizza and a large...uh...line?\n\n[Larry whispers from backstage.]\n\nLARRY (WHISPERING)\nSoda!\n\nANDERSON\nOh, right! Cheese pizza and a large\nsoda!\n\nFRY\nUh, cheese and a -- That was quick!\n\nANDERSON\nSo. What do I owe you?\n\nFRY\n10.77. Same as my PIN number.\n\n[Walt, Larry, Igner and Anderson laugh. Fry is unsure of what\nis happening so just laughs along with them.]\n\nIGNER\nHey, you don't get to laugh.\n\n[He hits Fry on the head with Anderson's jar.]\n\n[Outside Historic 20th Century Apartments. A white limo pulls\nup outside and the brothers throw Fry out onto the pavement.\nThere are bags of money in the limo.]\n\n[Cut to: Limo. Igner is driving.]\n\nIGNER\nThanks a billion!\n\n[He laughs. Larry counts the cash in the back.]\n\nLARRY\nMore like 4.3 billion!\n\n[He laughs with Igner. Walt slaps them both.]\n\nIGNER\nOw!\n\nLARRY\nOw!\n\n[The limo speeds off and Fry blacks out into a dream.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Dream. Pizza's, 1077's and anchovy tins float\naround him. Leela's and Bender's heads float towards him.]\n\nFRY\nOh, I had a nightmare I was in the year\n2000 and you guys never existed. I'm\nso glad I'm awake now and you're really\nhere.\n\nLEELA\nSince when do you care about us?\n\nBENDER\nWe thought you only cared about cans\nof anchovies and stuffy old songs about\nthe buttocks.\n\nFRY\nNo, that's not true!\n\n[Leela and Bender float away.]\n\nLEELA\nGoodbye-eee!\n\nBENDER\nWheee!\n\n[A pack of Lightspeeds appear in the corner.]\n\n[Fry comes to. A repobot walks out of his apartment with his\nTV.]\n\nFRY\nBender! Leela! Don't leave me. Wait\na minute! Hey, buddy what year is this?\n\nREPOBOT\nUh, 3000.\n\nFRY\n3000? Yes! I'm still in the future!\nLife is wonderful! Wait! What are you\ndoing with my stuff?\n\nREPOBOT\nUh, check bounced. We're taking it all\nback.\n\nFRY\nOh, no, my ATM card! My secret PIN number!\n1077. I've got nothing left. Except...\n\n[He pulls the tin of anchovies out of his sock.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Bender are sat on the couch\nand Farnsworth is sat at the table.]\n\nLEELA\nYou're Fry's relative. Do you have any\nidea how he got so crazy?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, wha? Oh, yes, they say madness runs\nin our family. Some even call me mad!\nAnd why? Because I dared to dream of\nmy own race of atomic monsters. Atomic\nsupermen with octagonal-shaped bodies\nthat suck blood out of...\n\n[He walks out still blabbering. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nLeela! Bender! I missed you so much!\n\nLEELA\nYou did? What happened?\n\nFRY\nI was robbed. They got everything except\nthese.\n\n[He holds up the anchovies.]\n\nBENDER\nWho did?\n\n[Leela gasps at something across the room. Mom is stood in the\ndoorway wearing her fat suit.]\n\nMOM\nHello, Fry.\n\nLEELA\nIt's Mom.\n\nMOM\nI felt terrible when I heard about your\nmoney troubles and I thought maybe I\ncould help out a sweet young man by\nbuying his anchovies.\n\nFRY\nSorry. But the anchovies aren't for\nsale.\n\nMOM\nWhat? Listen, you little bastard. I\ncontrol the robot oil business and I\nwon't let you ruin me. How much do you\nwant?\n\nFRY\nYou might as well put that chequebook\naway, because I've discovered something\neven more important. My friends. And\nthey aren't worth even a penny to me.\nThat's why these anchovies are going\non a pizza, so I can share the food\nI love with the people I like.\n\nMOM\nHoly hell! You're going to eat them?\nOh, well. Just make sure you eat them\nall. You're a growing boy. Toodle-oo!\nDumb ass!\n\nFRY\nWhat a nice lady!\n\n[Time Lapse. The whole staff except for Zoidberg are gathered\naround the table. Fry opens the tin of anchovies.]\n\nFRY\nOK, my friends. Get ready for the most\ndelicious extinct animal you've ever\ntasted.\n\nAMY\nI don't know, I've had cow. Ew! Gross!\n\nFRY\nAh, no one likes them at first but they'll\ngrow on you.\n\n[Enter Zoidberg. He sniffs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat stench. That heavenly stench!\nMore!\n\nFRY\nThere aren't any more. And there never\nwill be.\n\n[Zoidberg tips the table over and moves towards Fry, raising\nhis claws.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMore! More! More! More!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-My-Three-Suns.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 107\n\n\"MY THREE SUNS\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Outside Robot Wash. Bender inserts a coin and chooses his wash\nprogram from regular, deluxe and sub-standard. He selects deluxe\nand steps onto a conveyor belt. It moves forward and Rose Royce's\nCar Wash plays. Bender pushes down his antenna and sings his\nown words.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Going through the 'bot wash!\n\n[Cut to: Robot Wash.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Goin' through the robot wash!\n\nC'mon, y'all and sing it with me\n\n'Bot wash! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa\n\n'Bot wash, yeah!\n\n[A huge drying machine dries him. He sees an undercoating machine\nand puts a quarter in. The machine clamps around his legs and\nhe is in ecstasy as the machine does the undercoating.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Robot Wash. He comes out the other side of the\nRobot Wash and it hangs a pine tree air freshener around his\nneck. He turns round and admires his shiny metal ass.]\n\nBENDER\nAh! Aww!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Presented in Doublevision Doublevision\n(Where Drunk)]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits down to watch Essence of\nElzar, a cooking show presented by Neptunian chef Elzar and a\nnot-so-subtle parody of Essence Of Emeril. Elzar has black hair,\nand the usual four arms a Neptunian has.]\n\nELZAR\nHey, I'm Elzar! Welcome to the show!\nYou know, you don't have to drive all\nthe way to Neptune for great Neptunian\nfood. Today we're gonna kick it up a\nnotch as I show you how to fricassee\na mouth-watering Neptunian slug. Now\nwhile you grease the pan and preheat\nyour oven to 3500 degrees you're gonna\nseparate the yolk from your genetically-enhanced\neggplant and then give the whole thing\na good blast from your spice weasel\n- bam!\n\n[Enter Fry and Leela. Leela is wearing a green top instead of\nher usual white one.]\n\nFRY\nHey, what you watching?\n\n[Bender quickly turns off the TV.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, nothing!\n\nLEELA\nIs that a cooking show?\n\nBENDER\nNo, of course not! It was...uh...porno!\nYeah that's it!\n\n[Leela turns the TV back on and sees the programme.]\n\nLEELA\nBender! I didn't know you liked cooking!\nThat's so cute!\n\nBENDER\n(ashamed) Oh, it's true! I've been hiding\nit for so long.\n\nFRY\nIts OK, Bender, I like cooking too.\n\nBENDER (WHISPERING)\nPansy!\n\nELZAR\nOf course, your most important ingredient\nis this baby right here: the Neptunian\nslug. You can get it in a can but to\nreally do things right you gotta strangle\nyourself a fresh one. Now this is why\nyou gotta use cast-iron cookware.\n\n[He starts hitting the slug between it's eye stalks with a frying\npan. Bender watches and is spooked when the slug does something\nto Elzar.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Outside the office a sign flashes\nindicating there is a chewing out happening inside.]\n\nHERMES\nBender, man. It has come to my attention\nthat this company has been paying you\nto do nothing but loaf about on the\ncouch.\n\nBENDER\nYou call that a couch? I demand a pillow!\n\nHERMES\nI'm sorry but if you want to continue\ndrawing a salary you gotta do more than\nwatch the cooking shows all day.\n\nBENDER\nHmm.\n\n[He rubs his chin.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Fry are sat at the table while\nBender stands next to it wearing a chef's hat and an apron.]\n\nFRY\nYou're gonna be the ship's cook?\n\nBENDER\nYeah! We're gonna kick it up a notch.\nBam!\n\nLEELA\nI know you like cooking shows but you're\na robot, you don't even have a sense\nof taste.\n\nBENDER\nHoney, I wouldn't talk about taste if\nI was wearing a lime green tank top.\n\nFRY\nBam!\n\n[Little Neptune Street. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through an\narea of New New York City where bums and lowlifes hang around.]\n\nFRY\nSo this is Little Neptune?\n\nBENDER\nYep. Every chef knows that this is the\nplace to get exotic gourmet ingredients.\n\nLEELA\nAmong other things.\n\n[In an alleyway a crack addict stands in front of what looks\nlike a normal vending machine but is actually a crack dispenser.\nHe inserts a coin and the machine starts twisting a tube of crack\nout but it jams. The crack addict starts clawing the glass.]\n\nCRACK ADDICT\nCome on, man, don't hold out on me like\nthis!\n\n[Fry walks past a man who wears a long coat.]\n\nORGAN DEALER\nPsst! You want to buy organ? Fresh\nand cheap. Ready for transplant!\n\nFRY\nOoh! What's this?\n\nORGAN DEALER\nAh! Is X-Ray eyes. See through anything!\n\n[Fry reads the label.]\n\nFRY\nWait a minute! This says Z-Ray.\n\nORGAN DEALER\nZ is just as good. In fact, is better.\nIs two more than X.\n\nFRY\nHmm, I can see where that would be an\nadvantage. Do you take cash?\n\n[He takes out his wallet but Leela quickly pulls him away and\nthey carry on walking.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, you have to be more careful. We're\nnot in the 20th century. You don't know\nhow things work here.\n\nFRY\nI'm not a little kid, Leela. I grew\nup in this city. These are my people.\nWhat up?\n\nALIEN\nWord!\n\nFRY\nSee?\n\n[Little Neptune Market. The trio look around at what is on offer.]\n\nFRY\nWow! You guys sell every kind of meat\nhere except human!\n\n[In an aisle Leela picks up a jar.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's this spice for?\n\nLEELA\nOh! That's ridiculous. (whispering)\nI'll take two pounds!\n\n[At the meat counter Bender looks at tubbed slug and I Can't\nBelieve It's Not Slug. He looks up at the salesman.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, buddy. I'm looking for fresh slug.\n\nBENDER\nWhatever.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, yeah, either one's fine.\n\nLEELA\nHey, have you seen Fry?\n\n[Cut to: Little Neptune Street. Fry is back with the organ dealer\nin the alley.]\n\nFRY\nNow that you mention it, I do have trouble\nbreathing underwater sometimes. I'll\ntake the gills.\n\nORGAN DEALER\nYes, gills. Then, uh, you don't need\nlungs anymore, is right?\n\nFRY\nCan't imagine why I would.\n\nORGAN DEALER\nLie down on table. I take lungs now,\ngills come next week. (shouting) Nurse!\n\n[A huge man comes over and holds down Fry's arms.]\n\nNURSE\nLet's do it.\n\nORGAN DEALER\nYou may feel small pain --\n\n[Leela punches him in the face and he falls over. Then she kicks\nthe nurse to the floor. The organ dealer runs away down the alley\nand throws his scalpel back at Leela. She dives out of the way\nand it flies into Bender's chest cabinet. He closes the door.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Thank you!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits at the table while Leela scolds\nhim.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat the hell were you doing? I warned\nyou to stay away from those guys.\n\nFRY\nI'm capable of making my own decisions,\nLeela. Did you ever stop to think I\nmight be happier with gills?\n\n[Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone...\n\nBENDER\nUh-oh, I don't like the sound of that.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n...you'll be making a delivery to the\nplanet Trisol...\n\nBENDER\nHere it comes.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n...A mysterious world in the darkest\ndepths of the Forbidden Zone.\n\nBENDER\nThank you, and goodnight.\n\nLEELA\nUh, Professor, are we even allowed in\nthe Forbidden Zone?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy, of course! Its just a name! Like\nthe Death Zone or the Zone Of No Return.\nAll the zones have names like that in\nthe Galaxy Of Terror!\n\nLEELA\nUh, Professor...\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOff you go, pleasant trip.\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Zoidberg and Amy join the crew on the mission.\nBender is not with them. Fry leans back in his chair and shouts\ndown a hole in the floor.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Hey Bender how's dinner coming?\n\nBENDER\nAlmost ready!\n\n[Cut to: Ships Galley. Bender is wearing his chef's hat and a\nnew apron which says To Serve Man. He takes the Neptunian slug\nout of a pot of boiling water, puts it on a plate and puts an\napple in its mouth.]\n\nBENDER\nNow for a dash of salt! Uh-oh!\n\n[Ships Mess. The crew are all ready to eat. Bender carves the\ntiny, deflated slug. Leela leans in to the rest of the crew.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Listen, this is Bender's\nfirst meal and he's a little sensitive.\nSo let's be supportive, OK?\n\nFRY\nYeah, OK.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlright.\n\n[They start eating.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Oh, dear God!\n\n[She spits the slug out and so does everyone else.]\n\nFRY\nThat's the saltiest thing I've ever\ntasted. And I once a big heaping bowl\nof salt!\n\n[Everyone guzzles down a glass of water and once again they spit\nit out.]\n\nAMY\nBender, is this salt water?\n\nBENDER\nIt's salt with water in it if that's\nwhat you mean.\n\n[Fry waves his hand in front of his eyes.]\n\nFRY\nMy vision's fading. I think I'm gonna\ndie.\n\nBENDER\nThere was nothing wrong with that food.\nThe salt level was 10% less than a lethal\ndose.\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh-oh, I shouldn't have had seconds.\n\n[The ship speeds towards the Planet Trisol.]\n\n[Trisol Surface. The ship lands on a landing pad in a desert.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, Fry, here's the package to deliver\nand for once in your life be careful.\nThis is my first visit to the Galaxy\nOf Terror and I'd like it to be a pleasant\none.\n\n[She slaps Fry who is mimicking her with his hand.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\nLEELA\nDon't touch anything or talk to anyone.\nJust go to the palace, drop it off and\ncome right back.\n\nFRY\nJeez, will you lay off! I was delivering\nthings before you were born! I think\nI know what I'm doing.\n\n[He walks off without the package and quickly returns for it.]\n\n[Trisol Surface. Fry is walking across the desert in the sweltering\nheat.]\n\nFRY\nStupid slug. I've never been so thirsty.\nOh, come on! Go down already! Ah!\n\n[On the other side of him two other much larger suns rise over\nthe horizon.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry nears the Trisol Palace, climbs the huge staircase\nand enters the palace.]\n\n[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. It is deserted.]\n\nFRY\nHello? Anybody home?\n\n[He reads the package address. It is addressed to the Emperor.\nHe decides to leave it on the throne. He sees a bottle of water\nbeside the throne, looks around, then drinks the entire contents.\nTwo pools of water close in on him and form into humanoid shapes.\nGuards.]\n\nGUARD #1\nThe royal bottle is empty!\n\n[The second guard gasps.]\n\nGUARD #2\nYou drank our Emperor!\n\nFRY\nNo! It wasn't me!\n\n[He burps a small bubble of the Emperor. He pops it and laughs\nnervously.]\n\n[Time Lapse. More guards have come in.]\n\nGUARD #1\nYou drank our Emperor! You assassinated\nhim.\n\nFRY\nI didn't mean to. He just looked so\ncool and refreshing.\n\nGUARD #3\nI'm sure he was.\n\nGUARD #1\nBut now he's gone and your fate is sealed.\nAll hail the new Emperor.\n\n[The guards bow to Fry.]\n\nGUARDS\n(chanting) Hail! Hail! Hail!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is sat on the Emperor's throne with two Trisolian\nwomen at his side fanning him. The rest of the Planet Express\ncrew have arrived.]\n\nLEELA\nSo after I specifically asked you not\nto touch anything, you drank a bottle\nof strange blue liquid? It could have\nbeen poisonous acid!\n\nFRY\nIt could have been. But chances were\nequally good it was an Emperor.\n\n[Enter a Trisolian.]\n\nMERG\nExcuse me, Your Majesty, I am Merg,\nthe High Priest. If I might interject?\n\nFRY\nYou might.\n\nMERG\nI humbly advise that as your first act\nyou choose a capable Prime Minister.\nI suggest Gorgak, the previous appointee.\n\nGORGAK\nI will be a forceful and effective administrator.\n\nBENDER\nYou know, Fry, I've often thought about\nbecoming a Prime Minister.\n\nFRY\nI gotta go with Bender.\n\nBENDER\nYes! In your face, Gorgak!\n\nLEELA\nThat's it, Fry. As your captain I order\nyou back to the ship. You are in way\nover your head.\n\nFRY\nGee, you think so, Captain? I'd better\ncheck with my Prime Minister.\n\n[Bender is now sat being fanned.]\n\nBENDER\nStay the course, pal!\n\nGORGAK\nYour Highness, a package came for you.\n\n[He hands Fry the same package he was supposed to deliver earlier.]\n\nFRY\nHey, thanks! Wow! This got here just\nin time.\n\n[He hangs it on a column next to his throne.]\n\n[Trisol Palace Harem. The room is full of shelves which are full\nof bottles of Trisolians. Merg is with Fry.]\n\nMERG\nThis is Your Majesty's harem. You may\nchoose any of these maidens to be your\nroyal consort.\n\nFRY\nUmm, how about that one?\n\n[He points to a random bottle.]\n\nMERG\nOh! I didn't realise Your Majesty was\ninto that sort of thing!\n\nFRY\nOn second thought, I'll take that one.\n\n[He points to another random bottle.]\n\nMERG\nHey, whatever you say, I'm not here\nto pass judgement.\n\n[Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew are lounging around enjoying\nthemselves. Amy is stirring a glass of water with her finger.\nLeela paces up and down.]\n\nLEELA\nDoes anyone else think it's odd that\na shiftless 25-year-old delivery boy\ncould drop out of the sky, kill the\nemperor and be rewarded instead of punished?\n\nFRY\nYou don't have to beat around the bush,\nLeela, we all know who you're talking\nabout...uh, me, right?\n\nAMY\nI don't think you have anything to worry\nabout. These people seem really mild-mannered.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey are mild. In fact, you're soaking\nin one right now.\n\n[Amy screams and takes her finger out of the glass. Gorgak appears\nfrom it.]\n\nGORGAK\nYou touched me in ways I've never been\ntouched before.\n\n[Enter Merg.]\n\nMERG\nAh, there you are, Your Majesty. It's\ntime to begin preparing for tomorrow's\ncoronation ceremony.\n\nZOIDBERG\nA fancy dress gala! I'll wear my formal\nshell.\n\nMERG\nFry will be enthroned tomorrow at the\nsetting of the three suns when we Trisolians\nenter our nocturnal phase.\n\nFRY\nThere won't be a lot of long-winded\nspeeches, will there?\n\nMERG\nOnly one. The absolutely flawless recitation\nfrom memory of the royal oath. By you.\n\nFRY\nWill there be cake?\n\n[Trisolian Banquet Hall. It is the Pre-Coronation Gala. Trisolians\nperform on a stage. Zoidberg talks to two Trisolians.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYeah, I know.\n\nAMY\nHi!\n\n[She wiggles her fingers. Fry pours a glass of something for\nMerg.]\n\nFRY\nThere you go.\n\n[The Trisolians playing the liquid harmonica with themselves\nas the liquid finish. The audience applauds and Gorgak takes\nthe stage.]\n\nGORGAK\nAnd now, get ready to laugh til your\nsides leak with our planet's foremost\npolitical satirist, Florp!\n\n[He leaves and Florp walks onto the stage.]\n\nFLORP\nSo what is the deal with people from\nunder the orange sun? They're all...\nBut us guys from under the red sun,\nwe're like... Right? Am I right?\n\nFRY\nOh, yeah! Yeah, he's right!\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Fry, I have to talk to\nyou. You're in terrible danger.\n\n[Trisol Palace Corridor. On the walls of the corridor are paintings\nof past Trisolian Emperors.]\n\nLEELA\nYou see Emperor Plon here? He met his\nend when he was drunk by Emperor Strug.\nAnd before he could even wipe his mouth,\nStrug was drunk by Shwab.\n\nFRY\nSo?\n\nLEELA\nLook at all these guys. Do you have\nany idea what the average length of\ntheir reigns was?\n\nFRY\n80,000 years?\n\nLEELA\nNo. One week.\n\nFRY\nDamn! I knew you wouldn't have asked\nunless it was really high or really\nlow.\n\nLEELA\nEvery Emperor ascended to power by assassinating\nthe previous one. And guess who's next?\n\n[She points at Fry's portrait. Fry looks at some empty frames\nlabelled Fry's Assassin and Fry's Assassin's Assassin. He points\nat the last one.]\n\nFRY\nWell at least my assassin will get what's\ncoming to him.\n\nLEELA\nYou're in tremendous danger, you idiot!\nHalf of these Emperors were drunk at\ntheir own coronation.\n\nFRY\nHey, I plan on having a few brewskis\nmyself.\n\nLEELA\nNo, they were assassinated. In fact,\nthe law says you'll be killed on the\nspot if you fail to recite the oath\nfrom memory.\n\n[She holds up a book called Oath Vol. I.]\n\nFRY\nYeah, I was going to thumb through that\nlater.\n\nLEELA\nThat is completely reckless. Don't you\never think ahead?\n\nFRY\nHell, no. If I stopped to think ahead,\nI wouldn't be Emperor. And I wouldn't\neven be here in the year 3000. It's\njust like the story of the grasshopper\nand the octopus. All year long the grasshopper\nkept burying acorns for winter while\nthe octopus mooched off his girlfriend\nand watched TV. But then the winter\ncame and the grasshopper died and the\noctopus ate all his acorns and also\nhe got a racecar. Is any of this getting\nthrough to you?\n\nLEELA\nI give up! You're gonna get yourself\nkilled and this time I won't be here\nto save you.\n\nFRY\nWho asked you to? I told you a hundred\ntimes to stop treating me like a baby.\nNow go. Go gather your nuts you nagging\ngrasshopper.\n\n[Leela angrily throws down the book.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's it! I'm never helping you again!\nIf anyone except you needs me, I'll\nbe in the ship.\n\n[She storms off.]\n\nFRY\nI'll be fine. It's not like anyone's\ngonna drink me. Quit it!\n\n[He knocks the straw away from his neck and it disappears back\ninto the hole in the painting.]\n\n[Trisol Palace Front Balcony. The Planet Express crew sans Leela\nare gathered with Fry. Merg is on a podium facing across the\nTrisolian Surface where millions of Trisolians are gathered to\nhear Fry's oath.]\n\nMERG\nPeople of Trisol, it is my honour to\npresent your new Emperor!\n\n[The Trisolians applaud Fry, who takes Merg's place on the podium.\nFry clears his throat.]\n\nFRY\nWhat up?\n\n[Silence from the crowd.]\n\nMERG\nStick to the oath.\n\nFRY\nRight! I, Fry, who drank Bont the Viscous,\nwho drank Ungo the Moist, who guzzled\nZorn the Stagnant...\n\n[Time Lapse. The suns are nearly set. Fry is still reciting the\noath by reading it from his arm.]\n\nFRY\n...who slurped Hudge the Dewy, who enjoyed\na soup composed principally of Throm\nthe Chunky, do solemnly swear to rule\nwith honour and insanity - uh, integrity!\n\nMERG\nCongratulations, Your Highness. I now\npresent you with your royal unisex robe.\nLong live Fry The Solid!\n\n[He puts the robe on Fry. The Trisolians cheer. The suns begin\nto go down.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, look. The suns are setting. I can\nfinally switch to hard liquor!\n\n[He gets a bottle out of his chest cabinet. The three suns set\nand the Trisolians begin to turn a lighter shade of blue.]\n\nBENDER\nCheck out the glowing freaks. It's beautiful!\nHey, what's that?\n\n[He points at Fry's stomach. It is turning blue and growing a\nface. The Trisolians gasp and quickly return to normal shade.]\n\nMERG\nThe Emperor Bont! He's still alive.\n\nBONT\nOf course I'm alive. Now cut this creep\nopen and drain me out!\n\n[Guards close in on Fry. Fry clutches his stomach.]\n\nFRY\nMy tummy hurts!\n\n[The guards and Merg chase Fry, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender up the\nsteps.]\n\nBONT\nThey're over here, they're running up\nthe stairs.\n\nBENDER\nShut up, you!\n\n[He punches Bont, hurting Fry.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\n[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. The crew get inside the palace\nand bolt the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Throne Room.]\n\nMERG\nLet us in!\n\n[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.]\n\nMERG\nFry must die so that Bont may live.\n\nFRY\nWhat am I gonna do?\n\nAMY\nWe've gotta get the Emperor out of your\nbody before they kill you!\n\nZOIDBERG\nRelax, Fry. I'll simply spin you in\na high-speed centrifuge separating out\nthe denser fluid of His Highness.\n\nFRY\nBut won't that crush my bones?\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, right, right, with the bones! I\nalways forget about the bones.\n\nBENDER\nHey, why don't you just sweat him out?\n\nBONT\nForget it! As Emperor I refuse to be\ndripped out through somebody's armpit.\n\nFRY\nI could vomit or urinate. Would you\nfeel better about that?\n\nBONT\nSlightly. But my favourite so far is\nthe bone-crushing.\n\nAMY\nWhat about crying?\n\nFRY\nThat's a great idea! Crying.\n\nBONT\nFine. That or the bone one.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Throne Room. Trisolians are throwing themselves\nat the door. As they hit it they turn into pools of water. They\nregroup themselves and stand up.]\n\nMERG\nKeep it up, men. The veneer is starting\nto peel.\n\n[Gorgak throws himself at the door but can't re-solidify.]\n\nGORGAK\nOh, dear!\n\n[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room. Fry is trying to cry.]\n\nFRY\nIt's no use. I wanna cry but I'm just\ntoo macho.\n\nBENDER\nI'll make you cry, buddy! You're a\npimple on society's ass and you'll never\namount to anything.\n\nFRY\nWhat do you mean? I was Emperor of a\nwhole planet.\n\nBENDER\nGood point. But here's a disturbing\nreminder: Everyone you knew or loved\nin the 20th century is dead.\n\nFRY\nThese things happen.\n\nBENDER\nOK, Fry, grab a Kleenex for this one,\n'cause there's no God and your idiotic\nhuman ideals are laughable!\n\n[He laughs evily.]\n\nFRY\nPhew! That's a load off my mind.\n\nBENDER\nMan, I guess it's harder than I thought\nto make someone cry.\n\nAMY\nYou did your best, Bender.\n\nBENDER\nUp yours, bimbo!\n\n[Amy bursts into tears.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLet's face it, we're in hot butter here.\nWe should call Leela for help.\n\nBENDER\nCram it, lobster! That is a good idea.\nI'll go call her.\n\nFRY\nShe'll never help me. She's still mad\nthat I told her never to help me.\n\nAMY\nC'mon. Leela's not the type to hold\na grudge.\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay. Leela is punching and kicking a punch bag with\nFry's photo taped to it. The phone rings.]\n\nOPERATOR\nCollect call from...\n\nBENDER\nI'm not giving my name to a machine.\n\nLEELA\nI'll accept.\n\n[Bender appears on the phone screen.]\n\nBENDER\nFry's in trouble...\n\n[Cut to: Trisol Palace. Bender is sat on a chair in front of\nthe payphone.]\n\nBENDER\n...and he needs help. Now, I don't like\nyou and you don't like me.\n\nLEELA\nI like you.\n\nBENDER\nYou do? Look are you going to help or\nnot?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know why I should. I mean after\nwhat he --\n\nBENDER\nWait, wait, wait, wait. What is it\nyou like best about me?\n\n[Trisol Palace Throne Room. Enter Bender.]\n\nAMY\nIs she coming?\n\nBENDER\nI'm not sure. But I do know that she\nlikes my in-your-face attitude.\n\n[There is a rumbling from outside. The crew gather around a window\nand look out. The Trisolians are pulling a giant lemon juicer-like\nthing towards the palace.]\n\nFRY\nWhat the hell is that?\n\nBONT\nIts the Juice-A-Matic 4000. It'll strain\nmy juices from you while filtering out\nthe pulp. By which I mean, your shredded\nremains.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOf course! Why didn't I think of that!\n\nFRY\nThis is the saddest day of my life.\nAnd I still can't cry.\n\n[Fry sits in his throne but a splashing noise from outside attracts\nthe others to the window.]\n\nBENDER\nWait a second. Here comes Leela.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Trisol Palace. Leela kicks her way through the\ncrowd of Trisolian guards, splashing them to oblivion. They swarm\nher.]\n\n[Cut to: Trisol Palace Throne Room.]\n\nAMY\nOh, no. They have her totally outnumbered.\n\nFRY\nI can't believe it. She's risking her\nlife for me after the way I treated\nher. I don't deserve this. I feel terrible.\n\nBENDER\nYou do? Hmm.\n\nFRY\nIs she alright?\n\nBENDER\nI don't know. Perhaps I'll look out\nthis window. Oh, dear God in heaven,\nthey're swarming all over her.\n\nFRY\nNo. No!\n\nAMY\nWhat are you talking about, Bender?\nShe's al -- (muffled) Oh!\n\nBENDER\nThey're strapping her to juicer. Oh,\nthey're putting some ice cubes in the\nglass under it.\n\nFRY\nThis can't be happening.\n\nBENDER\nIt can and, for all you know, it is.\nI'm sorry, Fry. She's dead.\n\n[Fry starts to cry and Amy catches his tear in the bottle.]\n\nFRY\nAll Leela ever wanted to do was help\nme. But I was to proud, too stupid to\naccept it. I wish I had died instead\nof her.\n\n[He starts to cry. Enter Leela via the window.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you talking about?\n\n[Fry stops crying.]\n\nFRY\nLeela! You're alive!\n\nLEELA\nOf course I'm alive.\n\nBENDER\nI told Fry you were dead so he would\ncry out the Emperor but you had to go\nand wreck it by surviving.\n\nAMY\nWe only got two drops.\n\n[There is a bang at the door. The Trisolians begin leaking in\nthrough a hole. Bont chuckles.]\n\nBONT\nIt's only a matter of time now.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'll handle this!\n\n[He tries to block the leak with his claw and eventually gets\nit under control by forcing one of his mouth flaps into the hole.]\n\nLEELA\nListen, Fry, I think I can get us out\nof this if you're willing to let me\nhelp you.\n\nFRY\nThanks, Leela. From now on, I'll take\nall the help you're willing to give.\nI know you just want what's best for\nme. Ow! What was that for? Hey, come\non! That hurt!\n\nLEELA\nI know. Amy, get the bottle.\n\n[She carries on beating Fry up while Amy holds the bottle under\nhis eye.]\n\nFRY\n(crying) Oh, now I understand.\n\nLEELA\nCome on. Everybody help out Fry.\n\n[She slaps him again, Zoidberg pinches his leg with his claw\nand Bender stubs out a cigar on his arm.]\n\nFRY\n(crying) Thanks, everybody. I love you\nall. You guys are true -- ow! Cut it\nout, Bender! That's a tender area!\n\nLEELA\nHow we doing, Amy?\n\nAMY\nGreat! We're one-tenth of the way there.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela, Zoidberg and Bender are tired out. Amy keeps\nkicking the Emperor out of Fry. She pants.]\n\nAMY\nOK, it's your turn.\n\n[She points to someone. A Trisolian starts to hit Fry with a\nchair.]\n\nFRY\nHey, wait a minute! Who are you?\n\nBONT\nI'm the Emperor! Thanks for crying me\nout.\n\n[Fry looks at his stomach and sees it's back to normal.]\n\nFRY\nOh, you're welcome.\n\n[Bont hits him with the chair again.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Trisolian Palace. The crowds have gone. Fry\ncries in pain from inside.]\n\nBENDER\nHey! Save some for me!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Big-Piece-Of-Garbage.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 108\n\n\"A BIG PIECE OF GARBAGE\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone. Tomorrow you'll\nbe making a delivery to Ebola 9, the\nvirus planet.\n\nHERMES\nWhy can't they go today?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBecause tonight's a special night and\nI want all of you to be alive. It's\nthe Academy of Inventors annual symposium.\n\nFRY\nWow! I love symposia.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's the event of the scientific season.\nEvery member presents an invention and\nthe best one wins the Academy prize.\n\nBENDER\nSounds boring.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my, yes. But not this year, because\nmy latest invention is unbeatable. Behold!\nThe death clock. Simply jam your finger\nin the hole and this readout tells you\nexactly how long you have left to live.\n\nLEELA\nDoes it really work?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell it's occasionally off by a few\nseconds. What with free will and all.\n\nFRY\nSounds like fun. How long do I have\nleft to live?\n\n[He puts his finger in the hole and the clock dings.]\n\nBENDER\nOoh! Dibs on his CD player!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Mr. Bender's Wardrobe By Robotany\n500.]\n\n[Academy of Inventors. The room is filled with doctors and professors\nall wearing white lab coats. Bender is wearing a top hat and\nis talking to Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my, yes.\n\nFRY\nWho's the gross nerd?\n\n[He points to a picture of a geek on the wall.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's me at the very first symposium.\nI'm the Academy's oldest living member,\nyou know. These youngsters all look\nup to me.\n\n[Enter an old man.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nWell, well, well. Look who decided to\nshow his wrinkled face.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy don't you just leave me alone, Wernstrom?!\n\nWERNSTROM\nFace it, Farnsworth, you're over the\nhill. It's time to leave science to\nthe 120-year-olds.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou young turks think you know everything.\nI was inventing things when you were\nbarely turning senile.\n\n[Wernstrom laughs.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nGo home before you embarrass yourself,\nold man. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm\ngoing to take a nap before the ceremonies.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\nFRY\nWho's that jerk?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nA hundred years ago he was my most promising\nstudent at Mars University. But then\nafter one fateful pop-quiz...\n\n[Flashback: Mars University. A younger Farnsworth hands a younger\nWernstrom a piece of paper.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nA-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom\nan A-minus!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sorry but penmanship counts.\n\nWERNSTROM\nI swear I'll have my revenge even if\nit takes me a hundred years.\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd here it is: Slightly over 99 years\nlater and still no revenge. I'm essentially\nin the clear.\n\n[Academy of Inventors Auditorium. Bender, Fry and Leela are sat\nat a table. Bender is wearing a top hat and is reading the wine\nlist. A waiter takes his order.]\n\nBENDER\nI've been perusing your fortified wine\nlist and I've selected the '71 Hobo's\nDelight, the '57 Chateau Par-tay and\nthe '66 Thunder Chevitz.\n\nWAITER\nExquisite choices, sir.\n\nBENDER\nAnd mix them all together in a big jug.\n\n[Time Lapse. The lights in the auditorium are now dimmed and\nRon Popeil's head in a jar is on the stage.]\n\nPOPEIL\nWelcome to this year's Academy of Inventors\nAnnual Symposium, I'm your host, Ron\nPopeil, inventor of Mr. Microphone,\nthe spray-on toupee and - of course\n- the technology to keep human heads\nalive in jars. But wait, there's more.\nWe've got a whole line-up of inventors\ntonight, starting with that up and coming\nyoung star, Ogden Wernstrom.\n\n[The audience applauds and Wernstrom stands up and walks onto\nthe stage. Fry boos him.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) More wine!\n\nWERNSTROM\nDistinguished members of the Academy,\nI present to you, the Reverse SCUBA\nSuit. Observe! Fetch! Now, sit! I\nsaid sit! Bad fish!\n\n[He hits the fish with a newspaper and it sits. The audience\napplauds. Farnsworth groans.]\n\nFRY\nDon't worry, Professor, it's no competition\nfor your death clock.\n\nWERNSTROM\nAnd what will you be presenting this\nevening, grandpa?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLet's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers\nin your place!\n\nWERNSTROM\nI just hope it's not as lame as that\ndeath clock you presented last year.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, last year, you say?\n\nWERNSTROM\nThat's right.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my! Did it put you young whippersnappers\nin your place?\n\nWERNSTROM\nHardly! We laughed until our teeth fell\nout. Come along, Cinnamon.\n\n[His fish follows him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, dear, I'll have to invent something\nnew in the next ten minutes. Perhaps\nsome sort of death clock.\n\nLEELA\nUh, Professor...?\n\n[Time Lapse. A man on the stage demonstrates a helicopter hat.\nHe turns a handle and flies away. The audience applauds.]\n\nPOPEIL\nOur last presentation comes from our\noldest member, Professor Hubert Farnsworth.\nProfessor?\n\n[A spotlight falls on Farnsworth. He is scribbling something\non a piece of paper.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nJust a second, just a second.\n\nWERNSTROM\nPencils down, prune-face.\n\n[Farnsworth snarls and runs onto the stage.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, yes, here I am, OK, now, hello there.\nNow, we all know telescopes allow us\nto see distant objects. But what if\nwe want to smell distant objects? Well\nnow we can! Thanks to my new invention...the\nSmellescope.\n\n[He puts a piece of paper on a projector. The audience starts\ntalking.]\n\nMAN\nOh, I say!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe odour travels past this coffee stain\nhere, around the olive pit and into\nthis cigar burn. And this appears to\nbe a, doodle of myself as a cowboy.\nBut the Smellescope is brilliant, I\ntell you! Think of the astronomical\nodours you'll smell thanks to me. Oh,\nmy!\n\n[He puts it back on the projector. It is smudged. The audience\nlaughs again.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nI've waited a hundred years for this,\nFarnsworth. I give your invention the\nworst grade imaginable: An A-minus-minus.\n\n[The audience laughs. Farnsworth walks off the stage.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Ron Popeil is back on the stage. A trophy is beside\nhim.]\n\nPOPEIL\nAnd now for the presentation of the\naward. Listen, folks, I'm practically\ngiving this prize away to Dr. Wernstrom,\nfor his fish thingy.\n\n[Wernstrom picks up the trophy and shakes his fish's leg. Farnsworth,\noutside, sighs and walks away.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth\nare sat around the table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPerhaps 149 is just too old to be a\nscientist.\n\nBENDER\nYep!\n\nFRY\nNo, Professor, don't give up. There\nwere plenty of times in my century when\nI was gonna give up but I never did.\nNever! Hey, are you even listening to\nme? Oh, I give up!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBy God, you're right! I'm going to build\nthat Smellescope!\n\n[Planet Express: Attic.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEureka!\n\n[Fry, Leela and Bender run in.]\n\nFRY\nDid you build the Smellescope?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, I remembered that I'd built one\nlast year. Go ahead. Try it. You'll\nfind that every heavenly body has its\nown particular scent. Here, I'll point\nit at Jupiter.\n\n[Fry sniffs.]\n\nFRY\nSmells like strawberries.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nExactly! And now Saturn.\n\n[Fry sniffs.]\n\nFRY\nPine needles. Oh, man, this is great!\nHey, as long as you don't make me smell\nUranus.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't get it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed\nUranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke\nonce and for all.\n\nFRY\nOh. What's it called now?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUrectum. Here, let me locate it for\nyou.\n\n[Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nNo, no, I think I'll just smell around\na bit over here! Hmm. Hmm.\n\n[He sniffs again and starts gagging.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat is it? Oh, jeez! Oh, man! Remarkable!\nA stench so foul is right off the funk-o-meter.\nI dare say Fry may have discovered the\nsmelliest object in the known universe.\n\nBENDER\nOoh, ooh, name it after me!\n\n[Leela sniffs.]\n\nLEELA\nI think it's moving.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm, perhaps the computer can calculate\nits trajectory. My God! Whatever it\nis it's headed straight for us. With\nenough force to reduce this entire city\nto a stinky crater. We have less than\n72 hours.\n\n[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, lets get looting!\n\n[He picks up a TV and runs out.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table\nlooking at a hologram of the Earth.]\n\nFRY\nSo this thing's gonna destroy the whole\ncity? What the heck is it?\n\n[Farnsworth taps a keyboard.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh! Just as I thought. The answer lies\nin this movie I found on the Internet.\n\n[He plays the movie. The New York skyline of 2000 is displayed\non the screen, along with the title The Great Garbage Crisis\nOf 2000.]\n\nNARRATOR\nNew York City: the year 2000. The most\nwasteful society in the history of the\ngalaxy and it was running out of places\nto empty its never-ending output of\ngarbage. The landfills were full. New\nJersey was full. And so, under cover\nof darkness, the city put its garbage\nout to sea on the world's largest barge.\nThe repulsive barge circled the oceans\nfor 50 years but no country would accept\nit. Not even that really filthy one.\nYou know the one I mean. Finally, in\n2052, the city used its mob connections\nto obtain a rocket and launch the garbage\ninto outer space. Some experts claim\nthe ball might return to Earth someday,\nbut their concerns were dismissed as\n\"depressing\".\n\nFRY\nWow! You got that off the Internet?\nIn my day the Internet was only used\nto download pornography.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nActually that's still true.\n\n[He resumes the movie.]\n\nFEMALE SCIENTIST\nNow that the garbage is in space, doctor,\nperhaps you can help me with my sexual\ninhibitions.\n\nMALE SCIENTIST\nWith gusto!\n\n[They both strip down to their underwear. Leela turns the lights\nback on. Fry groans.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo that's the situation. Due to the\nshort-sightedness of Old New York, New\nNew York is going to be destroyed by\na giant ball of garbage.\n\nLEELA\nFry, what the hell were you people thinking\nback then? How could you just throw\nyour garbage away?\n\nFRY\nHey, hey, gimmie a break! What do you\ndo with it?\n\nLEELA\nWe recycle everything. Robots are made\nfrom old beer cans.\n\nBENDER\nYeah! And this beer can is made outta\nold robots.\n\nLEELA\nAnd that sandwich you're eating is made\nof old discarded sandwiches. Nothing\njust gets thrown away.\n\nFRY\nThe future is disgusting.\n\nLEELA\nTypical 20th century attitude.\n\nFRY\nHey! You have no right to criticise\nthe 20th century. We gave the world\nthe lightbulb, the steamboat and the\ncotton gin.\n\nLEELA\nThose things are all from the 19th century.\n\nFRY\nYeah, well, they probably just copied\nus.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPlease! There's no time for this now.\nThis is an emergency. We must warn the\nmayor.\n\n[Citihall: Mayor's Office. The Mayor, a short balding man in\na green suit, sits behind his desk.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nGarbage ball, huh? That sounds serious.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nVery serious, Mayor Poopenmeyer.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nI gotta be sure this isn't another scientific\nfraud like global warming or second-hand\nsmoke. Send in my science advisor.\n\n[Enter Wernstrom.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWernstrom!\n\nWERNSTROM\nWell, well, well! Come to present your\nlatest napkin, Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, I'm here because a giant trash ball\nis heading straight for us. Smell for\nyourself.\n\n[Farnsworth wipes the Smellescope. Poopenmeyer sniffs and leaps\nback.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nHey! Holy jeez!\n\nWERNSTROM\nThat smell could be anything; A faulty\nstench coil, some cheese on the lens,\nwho knows?\n\n[A woman walks in with a cassette player.]\n\nWOMAN\nMr. Mayor, we just got this transmission\nfrom Neptune.\n\nMAN\nGiant...garbage ball.....passed close\nby...horrible stench......\n\nWOMAN\nThe transmission cuts out there, sir.\nNo, I, guess it keeps going.\n\n[The voice chokes again. The message cuts out.]\n\nWOMAN\nThere we go.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nMy God! The senile old man is right.\n\nWERNSTROM\nDo you mean him or me?\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nHim!\n\n[He points at Farnsworth. Wernstrom grumbles.]\n\n[New New York Street. People are crowded around a shop watching\nTV's through the window. On the TV, two newscasters present a\nreport. One is a blonde human woman wearing a pink suit and the\nother is an alien that looks like one from This Island Earth.\nHe has a huge green head with veins poking out of it and big\neyes.]\n\nLINDA\nNext, New New York in crisis. Morbo?\n\nMORBO\nThanks, human female. Puny Earthlings\nwere shocked today to learn that a ball\nof garbage will destroy their pathetic\ncity of New New York.\n\nLINDA\nMakes me glad we live here in Los Angeles.\n\nMORBO\nMorbo agrees!\n\n[They both laugh.]\n\n[Citihall: Mayor's Office. A large hologram of the garbage ball\nis projected in the middle of the room. A military man is there\nwith the others.]\n\nLEELA\nCan't we just shoot a missile at it?\n\nMILITARY MAN\nWe've simulated that on a supercomputer\nbut the ball is just too damn gooey.\nA missile would go right through it.\n\n[The hologram shows a missile squelching through the garbage\nball.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut suppose we send a crew to plant\nan explosive precisely on the fault\nline betwen this mass of coffee grounds\nand this deposit of America Online floppy\ndisks.\n\n[The simulation explodes.]\n\nMILITARY MAN\nIn theory, it could work.\n\nWERNSTROM\nUh, in theory, perhaps. But you'll never\nfind a crew willing to take on a mission\nso suicidal-y dangerous.\n\n[Farnsworth smiles and looks at his crew.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, crap!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The crew are assembled in front of the\nship.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow, you'll only have one chance to\ndestroy the ball. After that, it will\nbe so close to Earth that blowing it\nup would cause garbage to rain over\nthe entire planet, killing billions.\n\nBENDER\n(ironic) Oh, boo-hoo!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow here's the bomb I've prepared. Once\nyou activate it, you'll have 25 minutes\nto get away.\n\nLEELA\nThat's all? But --\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow, now, there'll be plenty of time\nto discuss your objections when and\nif you return.\n\n[The crew suit up in orange spacesuits and walk towards the ship.\nFry and Leela carry their helmets under their arms and Bender\ncarries his head under his.]\n\n[The ship clears the atmosphere and flies towards the garbage\nball. It looks like the asteroid from Armageddon.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nOdour at magnitude 8. Magnitude 12.\nMagnitude 31. We're breaking up. Turn\non the anti-smell device.\n\n[The sound of an air freshener goes off and the ship stops shaking.]\n\nFRY\nHmm, sporty!\n\n[Garbage Ball Surface. The ship cruises in and lands. The steps\ngo down, the door opens and the crew look around.]\n\nFRY\nWow!\n\nLEELA\nLook at all this filth.\n\nFRY\nIt's not filth. It's a glorious monument\nto the achievements of the 20th century.\nLook! A real Beanie Baby. Oh! A Mr.\nSpock collector's plate! Some Bart\nSimpson dolls!\n\n[He runs over to a pile of them. Bender picks one up and pulls\nthe string.]\n\nDOLL\nEat my shorts!\n\nBENDER\nOK (\u00e0 la Homer Simpson) Mmm! Shorts!\n\nLEELA\nFry, this stuff was garbage when it\nwas new. Let's blow it up already!\n\nFRY\nThis junk isn't garbage! I can dig in\nany random pile and find something great.\n\n[He digs in a pile and comes out with a six pack holder around\nhis neck, like a seagull. Leela cuts him free.]\n\nFRY\n(gasping) Alright, let's get to work.\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew walk across the surface, reading a map.]\n\nLEELA\nLet's see. If that's Hypodermic Ridge\nthen the bomb must go right here. Get\nready to run. We've got 25 minutes.\nUh, 15 minutes. 5 minutes. 6h minutes?\n\n[Bender pulls the bomb out of the ground. He turns it upside\ndown.]\n\nBENDER\nThere's your problem. The Professor\nput the counter on upside-down.\n\nLEELA\nThat idiot! It wasn't set for 25 minutes,\nit was set for 52 seconds.\n\n[Fry screams.]\n\nFRY\nWe're gonna die! (calmly) Right?\n\nBENDER\nRight!\n\n[Fry screams again.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The timer is at 19 seconds. Bender screams.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's gonna blow!\n\n[He throws it to Fry. Fry throws it back. Bender throws it at\nLeela and it hits her helmet.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, watch it! You'll put somebody's\neye out!\n\nBENDER\nOK, OK, keep your space pants on. I'll\ntake care of this.\n\n[Bender throws the bomb into space but it hits a passing comet\nand bounces back into his hands. He throws it up again and it\nexplodes. The crew sigh with relief.]\n\nFRY\nWe're saved!\n\nLEELA\nYeah, but this garbage ball's unstoppable\nnow. New New York is done for.\n\n[They watch as the garbage ball moves closer to Earth. Bender\nscratches his butt.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. A crowd of people stand on the street\nwith a banner saying \"Welcome Home Heroes\" with \"Heroes\" crossed\nout and replaced with \"Losers\".]\n\n[Citihall: Mayor's Office.]\n\nLINDA\nAll in all, this is one day Mittens\nthe kitten won't soon forget!\n\n[Morbo and Linda chuckle.]\n\nMORBO\nKittens give Morbo gas. In lighter\nnews, the city of New New York is doomed.\nBlame rests with known human Professor\nHubert Farnsworth and his tiny, inferior\nbrain.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, how could I have put that bomb timer\non upside-down? I could swear I followed\nthe manual precisely. I'm a dried up\nhusk of a scientist. This is all my\nfault.\n\nFRY\nNo, it's my fault too. I'm sure I threw\nout more than my share of that trash\nup there. Also, one month my toilet\nbroke and it just went straight in the\ngarbage can. Leela was right. The people\nof the 20th century were idiotic slobs.\nEspecially me.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nEnough! You all failed miserably. It's\ntime to put a real scientist in charge.\n\n[Enter Wernstrom.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWernstrom!\n\nWERNSTROM\nThe very same.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nDr. Wernstrom, can you save my city?\n\nWERNSTROM\nOf course. But it'll cost you. First\nI'll need tenure.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nDone.\n\nWERNSTROM\nAnd a big research grant.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nYou got it.\n\nWERNSTROM\nAlso, access to a lab and five graduate\nstudents, at least three of them Chinese.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nUm, alright done. What's your plan?\n\nWERNSTROM\nWhat plan? I'm set for life! Au revoir,\nsuckers!\n\n[He walks out.]\n\nLEELA\nThat rat! Do something!\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nI wish I could but, he's got tenure!\n\n[New New York Street. People stop and stare into the sky as a\nhamburger and other pieces of garbage plow through buildings.\nA fish skeleton falls in front of Zoidberg. He checks to see\nno one is looking and eats it.]\n\n[Cut to: Citihall: Mayor's Office. A pizza slice splats against\nthe window.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nIt's time to take action. Stephanie,\ncancel the maid for today. Have her\ncome tomorrow. Well, I'm out of ideas.\nAnyone?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWait! If we could build an object the\nexact size, density and consistency\nof the garbage ball, it might just knock\nthe ball away without smashing it to\nbits.\n\nLEELA\nBut where can we find a substance the\nexact density and consistency as garbage?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAlas, I don't know.\n\nFRY\nUh, what about garbage?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood Lord! A second ball of garbage!\nThat just might work!\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nBut garbage isn't something you just\nfind lying in the streets of Manhattan.\nThis city's been garbage-free for 500\nyears!\n\nFRY\nThen it's time to make some more.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nMake garbage? But how?\n\nFRY\nStand back and watch the master! This\nSlurm can. Now it's garbage. These\npapers. Garbage. This picture of your\nwife. Pure garbage. Now you try it.\n\n[Poopenmeyer picks up a pencil and drops it on the floor.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nBy God, I think the boy's got something.\nCome on, everyone! The fate of the city\nis at stake!\n\n[He turns a chair on it's side.]\n\nFRY\nGood! Don't finish that cruller, throw\nit away Bender. Drink that beer and\ndrop the bottle on the ground. Very\nnice.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nGet that robot some more beer! We've\ntrashed this room but that's just the\nstart. We've got to get Fry's message\nto the people.\n\n[Woman's Kitchen. Fry is on TV.]\n\nFRY\nPeople of New New York. Take a lesson\nfrom the 20th century. Stop all this\npain-in-the-ass recycling and throw\nyour garbage on the floor.\n\n[The woman scrapes her food onto the floor.]\n\n[Man's Living Room.]\n\nFRY\nGo ahead. Just chuck it any old place\nlike I used to. Your city is counting\non you.\n\n[The man empties his cats litter tray out of the window.]\n\n[Printing Press. The newspapers are printed with the headline\n\"City Urged To Litter!\" and the conveyor belt dumps them outside\nthe building.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Printing Press. They land in a heap and are\nbulldozed away.]\n\n[Launch Pad. The new garbage ball has been stuck on top of a\nrocket. ]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIf my calculations are correct, this\ngarbage ball will knock the other garbage\nball directly into the sun.\n\nWERNSTROM\nAnd if my calculations are correct,\nwe're all going to die horribly.\n\n[He laughs then realises what he's said.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nAlright, places everyone. Prepare for\nlaunch.\n\n[Farnsworth counts down.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFive, four, three, two, three, four,\nfive, six...\n\nLEELA\nJust fire the damn thing.\n\n[Fry tries to push the button but misses it.]\n\nFRY\nOops!\n\n[He pushes it again. The rocket takes off and heads towards the\nother garbage ball. Fry's heart beats. Farnsworth's heart beats,\nbut a lot slower than Fry's. Bender's \"heart\" beats like a drum.]\n\n[In space, the new garbage ball hits the old one and knocks it\naway from the Earth. It slingshots around several planets and\nflies into the sun.\n\n[Launch Pad. Farnsworth sniffs through the Smellescope.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBurning garbage!\n\nFRY\nIt worked!\n\n[Everyone except Wernstrom cheers.]\n\n[Outside Citihall. The Mayor and the Planet Express crew are\nstanding on the steps. Poopenmeyer is finishing a speech.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nAnd so, on behalf of the entire city,\nI thank you, Professor Farnsworth. I\nnow present you with the Academy prize,\nwhich we confiscated from Dr. Wernstrom\nafter it became apparent that he was\na jackass.\n\n[He hands Farnsworth the trophy.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes! In your face, Wernstrom!\n\nWERNSTROM\nI'll get you, Farnsworth. Even if it\ntakes me another hundred years.\n\n[He and his five graduate students - three of them Chinese -\nshake their fists.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nAnd, Fry, we owe you a tremendous debt\nas well. If not for your 20th century\ngarbage-making skills, we'd all be buried\nunder 20th century garbage.\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nLEELA\nShould we really be celebrating? I mean,\nwhat if the second garbage ball returns\nto Earth like the first one did?\n\nFRY\nWho cares? That won't be for hundreds\nof years.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nExactly! It's none of our concern.\n\nFRY\nThat's the 20th century spirit!\n\n[He and Farnsworth hold the award up and the crowd cheers and\napplauds.]\n\n[Closing Credits. We'll Meet Again from the film Dr Strangelove\nOr: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb plays over\nthem.]"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Hell-Is-Other-Robots.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 109\n\n\"HELL IS OTHER ROBOTS\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Condemned By The Space Pope.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. Fry, Leela and Bender are sat waiting for\na Beastie Boys gig to start.]\n\nFRY\nThis is awesome! I've been waiting a\nthousand years to see a Beastie Boys\nshow.\n\nBENDER\nCan I get anybody a beer?\n\nFRY\nSure!\n\n[Bender opens his chest cabinet and uses his antenna to pump\nsome beer into a cup. He hands it to Fry and Fry takes a gulp.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen, here to lay down\nsome old, old, incredibly old school\nbeats: The Beastie Boys!\n\n[A man wheels the Beastie Boys' heads in jars onto the stage.\nThe crowd cheers. Some guys in black suits grab the jars and\ndance around. The Beastie Boys perform Intergalactic.]\n\nBEASTIE BOYS\n(singing) Well now don't you tell to\nsmile\n\nYou stick around I'll make it worth your while\n\nGot numbers beyond what you can dial\n\nMaybe it's because I'm so versatile\n\nStyle profile I said\n\nIt always brings me back when I hear Wu Child...\n\n[Leela looks at her wrist thing.]\n\nLEELA\nImpressive. They're busting mad rhymes\nwith an 80% success rate.\n\nBENDER\nI believe that qualifies as ill. At\nleast from a technical standpoint.\n\n[Fry is standing away from them.]\n\nFRY\nWill you guys shut up! I'm trying to\nlook cool.\n\n[He attempts to dance.]\n\nBEASTIE BOYS\n(singing) ...known for the Flintstone\nFlop\n\nTammy D gettin' biz on the crop\n\nBeastie Boys know to let the beat...\n\nMIKE\nDrop! Ow! How's it going? Enjoying\nthe show? Ow! (shouting) Don't forget\nto pick up a T-Shirt!\n\nFRY\nWow! An old-fashioned mosh pit! Come\non guys. Tonight we're gonna party like\nits 1999...again.\n\n[The Beastie Boys start to perform Super Disco Breakin.]\n\nBeastie Boys (singing) Well it's 50 cups of coffee and you know\nit's on\n\nI move the crowd to the break of break of dawn...\n\n[Fry and Bender get into the mosh pit. Leela gets bumped around\nand doesn't look like she is enjoying herself.]\n\nLEELA\nOw! Hey, watch it!\n\n[She elbows someone in the face, kicks someone else, punches\nsomeone else the does a full circle flying kick and knocks everyone\naround her over.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crowd are sat in their seats again.]\n\nFRY\nMan, these guys rock harder than ever!\n\n[The Beastie Boys sing Sabotage.]\n\nMIKE (SINGING)\nOh my...\n\nMCA (SINGING)\n...it's a mirage...\n\nAD-ROCK (SINGING)\n...tellin' you all it's a...\n\nAD-ROCK (SINGING)\nSabotage, yeah!\n\nMIKE\nPeace, we out!\n\n[The crowd cheers and the Beastie Boys are wheeled out. Fry cheers.\nEnter a Fender amplifier who recognises Bender.]\n\nFENDER\nHey, Bender!\n\nBENDER\nHey, Fender! Man, I haven't seen you\nsince high school. You still workin'\nat Jack In The Box?\n\nFENDER\nNot anymore, baby. I'm with the band!\n\n[Backstage. The Beastie Boys are getting head massages.]\n\nMIKE\nAw! Oh, yeah!\n\n[Enter Fender, Bender, Fry and Leela.]\n\nFENDER\nHey, fellas, hey. I want you to meet\nmy friends Bender, Fry and Leela.\n\nAD-ROCK\nY'know we're, really not that interested\nin meeting them.\n\nFRY\nWow! I love you guys! Back in the 20th\ncentury, I had all five of your albums.\n\nAD-ROCK\nThat was a thousand years ago. Now we\ngot seven.\n\nFRY\nCool! Can I borrow the new ones? And\na couple of blank tapes?\n\n[Fender turns his volume down and turns to Bender.]\n\nFENDER (WHISPERING)\nHey, Bender, why don't we ditch these\norgan sacks and hit the real party?\n\nBENDER\nCount me in! I'm gonna drink til I reboot!\n\n[Room. Fender presses a button, a door slides open and in the\nroom are three robots hooked up to an electricity thing. It shocks\nthem and they groan.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, what kinda party is this? There's\nno booze and only one hooker.\n\nFENDER\nDon't be a drag, man. We're jacking\non! Aww yeah! Wanna jolt?\n\nBENDER\nUh hey, I'm no square but isn't that\ncounter-indicated by my operations manual?\n\n[The other robots laugh.]\n\nROBOT\nCounter indicated!\n\nFENDER\nCome on, Bender, grab a jack. I told\nthese guys you were cool.\n\nBENDER\nWell, if jacking on'll make strangers\nthink I'm cool, I'll do it!\n\n[He takes the plug and sticks it in his head. He goes crazy and\nstarts to hallucinate. Sitar music plays. He falls onto a circuit\nboard. Then he flies around a molecule and eats the electrons.\nHe eats the proton and starts giggling. He dances with an electric\neel. Fender takes the plug out.]\n\nFENDER\nEasy, baby. You don't wanna get hooked\non this stuff.\n\nBENDER\nEh, no need to worry. I don't have an\naddictive personality.\n\n[He smokes a cigar, gulps down some beer and jacks on again.]\n\n[New New York Street. The next day Fry and Bender walk around\na slum. Hobos sleep in the travel tubes and windows are boarded\nup. Bender wears shades.]\n\nFRY\nHey uh Bender. What are we doing in\nthis bad neighbourhood?\n\nBENDER\nShut up, square! I'll just be a minute!\n\n[Fry leans against a lamppost and whistles.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Three hours later Bender comes out. He walks weirdly\nand groans. He falls over, rolls off the pavement and lands face\ndown in the gutter. A Preacherbot walks by and sees him.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nWretched sinner unit! The path to robot\nheaven lies here......in the Good Book\n3.0.\n\nBENDER\nHey! Do I preach to you when you're\nlying stoned in the gutter? No! So beat\nit!\n\n[Preacherbot tuts and walks off.]\n\nFRY\nWho was that guy?\n\nBENDER\nYo mama! Now shut up and drag me to\nwork!\n\n[Fry drags Bender by his legs.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the staff with\na chart.]\n\nHERMES\nOur electric bill's climbing faster\nthan a green snake up a sugarcane. Obviously\nsomeone round been wastin' a whole heap\na juice! Probably you!\n\n[He points at Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMe?\n\n[Enter Fry and Bender.]\n\nAMY\nGood morning, Bender.\n\nBENDER\nNone of your business, get off my back!\n\n[He runs into the restroom.]\n\nAMY\nWhat's his problem?\n\nLEELA\nIf I didn't know better I'd almost think\nhe was abusing electricity.\n\nFRY\nBender? No way! I definitely would've\nnoticed something.\n\n[Leela gets up and knocks on the restroom door.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, why are you spending so much\ntime in the bathroom? Are you jacking\non in there?\n\nBENDER\nNo! Don't come in!\n\n[Enter Farnsworth with a box.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone! Today you'll be\ndelivering a crate of subpoenas to Sicily\n8, the Mob Planet!\n\n[Bender returns.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright, let's get to work! I'll be\nout in a second.\n\n[He runs back into the bathroom.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The crew have made the delivery and are returning\nto Earth.]\n\nFRY\nI know Big Vinnie said he was giving\nme the kiss of death but I still think\nhe was gay.\n\nLEELA\nDid he use his tongue?\n\nFRY\nA little. You OK, Bender?\n\nBENDER\nNone of your business! Get off my back!\n\nLEELA\nUh oh. There seems to be some sort of\nelectrical disturbance in the Coalsack\nNebula.\n\nBENDER\nA what kind of disturbance?\n\nLEELA\nElectrical. Anyway it's going to take\nsome careful piloting to avoid it.\n\n[Bender sneaks out of the cockpit.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender opens the door and steps out. He\nedges his way around to the engines and pushes them so the ship\nflies straight towards the nebula. He laughs insanely.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela is struggling with the controls.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're out of control. We're heading\nstraight into the electric field!\n\nFRY\nWhat's happening? I-I feel weird!\n\n[The electricity has made his hair stand on end.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender stands on top of it in front of\nthe gun turret, waving his arms.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on universe you big, mostly empty\nwuss! Gimmie all the juice you got!\nOh, mama!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sits atop the ship, melted to\nit. Amy drills him off with a jackhammer. He slides down the\nfront of the ship and lands on the floor. Farnsworth, Leela and\nHermes stare at him. Bender looks up at them.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat?\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender has been repaired and a\ncrate of spare robot legs and thighs is on the floor next tot\nhe table.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, we didn't mind your drinking,\nor your kleptomania, or your pornography\nring.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIn fact, that's why we loved you.\n\nLEELA\nBut this electricity abuse crossed the\nline. You almost killed us.\n\nFRY\nAnd you made me feel like a jerk for\ntrusting you. Just like when my friend\nRichie swore he wasn't taking drugs\nand then he sold me my mom's VCR and\nthen later I found out he was taking\ndrugs. You make me ashamed to be your\nfriend.\n\n[Bender sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're right. I'm a lost cause.\n\n[He walks out.]\n\n[New New York Street. Bender walks past Sparky's Den sadly. He\nhears an organ play behind him and looks across the street to\nthe Temple Of Robotology.]\n\nBENDER\nMaybe there's another way.\n\n[Cut to: Temple Of Robotology Roof. Bender plugs himself into\nthe neon sign and jacks on.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah, that's the good stuff. (crying)\nWhat am I doing? What have I become?\nHuh?\n\n[He looks down though the roof and sees a sermon.]\n\n[Cut to: Temple Of Robotology.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nI see a lot of fancy robots here today.\nMade of real shiny metal. But that don't\nimpress the Robot Devil, no, sir!\n\nROBOT\nNo, sir!\n\nPREACHERBOT\n'Cause if you're a sinner, he's gonna\nplug his infernal modem in the wall,\nbelchin' smoke and flame. Amd he's gonna\ndownload ya straight to Robot Hell!\n\nROBOT\nStraight to hell!\n\nPREACHERBOT\nSo I ask ya: Who will stand up and be\nsaved? Who? Who?\n\n[The glass roof gives way and Bender falls through and lands\nin front of Preacherbot.]\n\nBENDER\n(weakly) Me.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew.]\n\nHERMES\nAnd as a further cost-cutting measure,\nI have eliminted the salt-water cooler.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThis is a witch hunt!\n\n[Enter Bender wearing a bow tie.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Oh, what a beautiful morning,\noh what a beautiful day! (talking) Greetings,\nfriends. Don't we all look nice today?\n\nFRY\nGreat he's whacked out on electricity\nagain.\n\nBENDER\nNo, I'm whacked out on life. My friends,\nI found religion.\n\n[The crew stare, shocked.]\n\nFRY\nReligon? Is this another scam to get\nfree yarmulkes?\n\nLEELA\nGive him a break, Fry. If this helps\nBender clean up his act then I think\nwe should be supportive.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes.\n\nAMY\nOh, yeah.\n\nHERMES\nOh, yes!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, yeah.\n\nBENDER\nWonderful. Then you'll all come to my\nexceedingly long, un-air-conditioned\nbaptism ceremony!\n\n[The staff murmur.]\n\n[Temple Of Robotology.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nWe are gathered here today to deliver\nbrother Bender from the cold, steel\ngrip of the Robot Devil unto the cold,\nsteel bosom of our congregation.\n\nROBOT #2\nTell it, Preacher!\n\nROBOT #3\nThat equals true.\n\nPREACHERBOT\nBrother Bender, do you accept the principles\nof Robotology on pain of eternal damnation\nin Robot Hell?\n\nBENDER\nYes, I do.\n\nPREACHERBOT\nThen I will now baptise you. Press\nany key to continue.\n\n[Bender presses a button and he is lifted and baptised in a barrel\nof High Viscosity Baptismal Oil. Preacherbot welds the symbol\nof Robotology - a resistor symbol - to Bender's chest.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, while you're at it, could you touch\nup this seam?\n\n[He raises his arm. Preacherbot welds the seam. Bender giggles.]\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew are dressed up.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is unbelievable. The old Bender\nnever would have taken us out to dinner.\n\nBENDER\nThe old Bender's gone. He won't trouble\nyou anymore.\n\nWAITER\nWould monsieur care to see the wine\nlist?\n\n[Bender shreds the wine list and hands it back to the waiter.]\n\nBENDER\nNo poison for us, thanks. I'll stick\nwith good old mineral oil. Ah! Functional!\n\n[Time Lapse. The food arrives.]\n\nHERMES\nMon, I'm hungrier than a green snake\nin a sugar cane field!\n\nBENDER\nFriends! Friends! Surely you're not\ngoing to eat before we say Robot Grace?\nIn the name of all that is good and\nlogical we give thanks for the chemical\nenergy we are about to absorb. To quote\nthe prophet Jerimatic: 1000101010101...\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew have given up and are anxiously waiting\nfor Bender to finish.]\n\nBENDER\n...0010110012. Amen.\n\nFRY\nDoes that mean we can eat now?\n\nBENDER\nYes. But first, since I love you all\nso much, I'd like to give everyone hugs.\nCome here, Fry!\n\nFRY\nOh, uh, but I don't want to.\n\n[Bender hugs Fry.]\n\nBENDER\nMmm! Mmm! Fry, you're my friend! C'mon,\neveryone line up for a hug. Let's tear\ndown some emotional walls.\n\n[The others edge their seats away.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sticks something to the ship.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you doing to my ship?\n\nBENDER\nSanctifying it! There! That ought to\nconvert a few tailgaters.\n\nFRY\nBender's stupid religion is driving\nme nuts.\n\nLEELA\nAmen.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIf only he had joined a mainstream religion\nlike Oprah-ism or Voodoo.\n\nFRY\nWe've got to get the old Bender back.\n\nLEELA\nAnd I think I know a way to do it. We\nhave to reacquaint him with a little\nthing called \"sleaze\".\n\n[Atlantic City Street. The ship lands in a car park.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew have taken Nibbler with them and they walk\ndown the street.]\n\nBENDER\nI can't believe somebody hired an interstellar\nspaceship to deliver a package to Atlantic\nCity. What are we delivering anyway?\n\nFRY\nUh, this.\n\n[He pulls some mints out of his pocket.]\n\nBENDER\nWhere are we delivering it to?\n\nLEELA\nUh, here.\n\n[She takes the mints and puts them in a mailbox.]\n\nBENDER\nAnother job well done. Now back to the\noffice for an enjoyable evening of fasting\nand repentance.\n\nFRY\nWhoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Bender. So long\nas we're here why don't we take in some,\nexotic dancing!\n\nLEELA\nHey, great idea!\n\n[Bender turns around. He is standing outside a club called Power\nStrip. He gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nBut, those girls don't wear cases. You\ncan see their bare circuits.\n\nFRY\nCome on, it'll be fun! Maybe we could\neven drink a little fortified wine.\n\nBENDER\nWhat?\" Drinking wine is a sin. Even\nif it is deliciously fortified.\n\nLEELA\nHey, Bender, looks at that woman's purse.\nIt's hanging by a spaghetti strand.\n\n[Bender zooms in but pushes his eyes back in again.]\n\nBENDER\nThou shalt not snatch.\n\nFRY\nAnd there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got\na heart of solid gold!\n\nHOOKERBOT\nHey, sailing unit!\n\nBENDER\nStop tempting me! For once in my life\nI have inner peace.\n\nFRY\nPfft, that's for losers. C'mon, sin\nyour heart out.\n\nLEELA\nGo nuts.\n\nHOOKERBOT\nLive a little.\n\nWOMAN\nCould you hold my purse for a minute?\n\nFRY\nGo for it, Bender. You know you wanna!\n\nBENDER\nWell...\n\n[Power Strip. Bender dances with the Stripperbots and laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm the greatest. Woo-hoo!\n\nFRY\nLook's like we got the old Bender back!\n\nBENDER\nYou know it, pork pie! Except for one\nthing.\n\n[He rips the Robotology symbol off his chest and throws it over\nhis shoulder. It sinks into a dish of stuff and beeps and glows.]\n\n[Trump Trapezoid. Bender entertains three Fembots in the jacuzzi\nin his hotel room.]\n\nBENDER\nY'know, as a major Hollywood director\nI'll be holding auditions tonight for\nmy next movie. And even though you're\nall young and naive, I think you might\njust have what it takes. Hey! I'm trying\nto score here! Can't you read the \"Do\nNot Disturb\" sign? No! No!\n\n[A pitchfork comes through the door and knocks him out.]\n\n[Robot Hell. Bender wakes up. The Robot Devil welcomes him. He\nis a huge red robot with a tail and other things you might associate\nwith the devil.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nGreetings, Bender! Welcome to Robot\nHell.\n\n[Bender screams.]\n\n[Trump Trapezoid. The next day Fry and Leela are in Bender's\nroom. There are scorch marks where Bender fell and he has been\ndragged out of the room.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat in hell happened to Bender?\n\nFRY\nWell he didn't check out. The ashtray's\nstill here. Look, Nibbler's caught\nthe scent of vodka and motor oil! Go,\nboy. Follow that stench.\n\n[The run out of the room.]\n\n[Robot Hell Tunnel. Bender is chained to a cart and the Robot\nDevil stands behind him with a whip. The cart rolls down a track.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm hallucinating this, right?\n\n[The Robot Devil whips him.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nNo, Bender. Robot Hell is quite real.\nHere's our brochure.\n\n[He hands Bender a brochure entitled Hell Is Other Robots.]\n\nBENDER\nBut I don't belong here. I don't like\nthings that are scary and painful.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nSorry, Bender, you agreed to this when\nyou joined our religion. If you sin\nyou go to Robot Hell - for all eternity.\n\nBENDER\nAww, hell - I mean heck!\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nIt's alright, you can say that here.\n\n[Outside Reckless Ted's Funland. Fry and Leela look up at the\nsign.]\n\nFRY\nWait! I remember this place. They shut\nit down after all those people caught\nsalmonella from the flume ride.\n\n[Nibbler leads Fry and Leela to a ride called The Inferno.]\n\n[Cut to: The Inferno. They open the door and look around.]\n\nLEELA\nHmm. Look! It's the symbol of Bender's\nold religion.\n\n[Fry presses the symbol and the crazy mirror beside it slides\nupwards. Behind it is Robot Hell.]\n\nFRY\nUnbelievable. It's an actual, factual\nRobot Hell.\n\nLEELA\nWho would've thought hell would really\nexist? And that it would be in New Jersey!\n\nFRY\nActually --\n\n[A trap door opens beneath them and Nibbler watches them disappear\ndown a twisting fun slide. They scream as they fall.]\n\n[Robot Hell: Level 1.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nWe know all your sins Bender and for\neach one we've prepared an agonising\nand ironic punishment. Gentlemen?\n\n[A band of Hellbots start to play. Bender knows what is coming.]\n\nBENDER\nAw crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?\n\n[He lights a cigar but Beezlebot takes it from him and stubs\nit out on his chest. Two little robots throw him a hat and cane.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Cigars are evil\n\nYou won't miss 'em,\n\nWe'll find ways to simulate that smell,\n\nWhat a sorry fella,\n\nRolled up in smoke like a panetela,\n\nHere on level 1 of Robot Hell!\n\n[Bender falls through a trapdoor.]\n\n[Cut to: Robot Hell: Level 2. He lands next to a card table.\nHe picks the cards up and takes one from his chest cavity.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Gambling's wrong and so is\ncheating,\n\nSo is forging phoney IOU's,\n\nLet's let Lady Luck decide,\n\nWhat type of torture's justified,\n\nI'm pit boss here on level 2!\n\n[He spins a wheel that Bender is strapped to. Luck decides to\ndeep fry Bender.]\n\n(talking) Ooh! Deep fried robot!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Just tell me why.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Please read this 55-page warrant.\n\nBENDER\n(singing) There must be robots worse\nthan I.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) We've checked around, there\nreally aren't.\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Then please let me explain,\n\nMy crimes were merely boy-ish pranks.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) You stole from boy scouts,\nnuns and banks!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Ah, don't blame me blame my\nupbringing!\n\n[He steals Beezlebot's wallet.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Please stop sinning while\nI'm singing!\n\n[He pulls Bender's arm off and kicks him through a hole.]\n\n[Cut to: Robot Hell: Level 5. Bender lands in front of the Beastie\nBoys. The Robot Devil picks Bender up by the leg and shakes him.\nHundred of CDs fall out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Selling bootleg tapes is wrong,\n\nMusicians need that income to survive.\n\nBEASTIE BOYS\n(singing) Hey, Bender, gonna make some\nnoise,\n\nWith your hard drive scratched by the Beastie Boys!\n\nThat's whatcha whatcha whatcha get on level 5!\n\n[Cut to: Robot Hell Slide. Fry and Leela slide further down.]\n\nFRY\n(singing) I don't feel well.\n\nLEELA\n(singing) It's up to us to rescue him.\n\nFRY\n(singing) Maybe he likes it here in\nhell.\n\nLEELA\n(singing) It's us who tempted him to\nsin.\n\nFRY\n(singing) Maybe he's back at the motel.\n\nLEELA\n(singing) Come on, Fry, don't be scared,\n\nI'm sure at least one of us will be spared,\n\nSo just sit back, enjoy the ride.\n\nFRY\n(singing) My ass has blisters from the\nslide.\n\n[Cut to: Elevator. Bender and the Robot Devil plunge into Hell.\nThe Robot Devil takes stuff out of Bender's chest cabinet.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Fencing diamonds,\n\nFixing cockfights,\n\nPublishing indecent magazines...\n\n[He kicks Bender out of the elevator.]\n\nYou'll pay for every crime,\n\nKnee-deep in electric slime,\n\nYou'll suffer 'til the end of time,\n\nEnduring torture's most of which rhyme,\n\nTrapped forever here in Robot Hell!\n\n[The music ends and the show finishes with a fireworks display.]\n\n(talking) Of course that's just for starters.\n\n[Fry and Leela fall from the slide screaming and land behind\nBeezlebot. They see him and gasp.]\n\nFRY\nBender, are you alright?\n\nBENDER\nNo! Oh they're tormenting me with up-tempo\nsinging and dancing.\n\nLEELA\nAlright, Beelzebot, what'll it take\nto get our friend back?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nSorry, but I hold all the cards here.\nThere's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll\njust sign this fiddle contest waiver.\n\n[Fry takes the pen but Leela stops him.]\n\nLEELA\nWait. What fiddle contest?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nThe Fairness In Hell Act of 2275 requires\nme to inform you that if you can best\nme in a fiddle contest, you win back\nBender's soul. As well as a solid gold\nfiddle.\n\nFRY\nWouldn't a solid gold fiddle weigh hundreds\nof pounds and sound crummy?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nWell it's mostly for show.\n\n[He picks up the fiddle and it glints in the light.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Do you know how to play\nthe fiddle?\n\nFRY\n(whispering) No, do you?\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) No, but I used to play\nthe drums. They're sorta similar. (talking)\nWhat happens if we lose?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nYou'll only win a smaller, silver fiddle.\nAlso I guess I'll kill one of you, uh,\nhim.\n\n[He points at Fry. Fry gulps.]\n\nLEELA\nWe'll do it.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nVery well, then. Beat this.\n\n[He plays a tune and uses his tail as an extra arm.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, we're boned.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nYour turn. Ha!\n\nLEELA\nTime for the drum solo!\n\n[She beats the Robot Devil over the head with the violin and\nhe squeals like a little girl.]\n\nFRY\nRun!\n\n[They do. Hellbots and flying bugbots chase them. The bugbots\nshoot laser rings at them. Bender grabs a pair of a bugbots wings\nand flies in and grabs Fry and Leela who are swarmed by a crowd\nof Hellbots with pitchforks. Bender ascends and heads for small\nhole in the roof.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nStop them! They cheated!\n\n[A bugbot shoots three laser rings at the trio. Two miss but\none catches on Bender's antenna, forming a halo. The Hallejulah\nchorus plays and they get closer to the hole. Hellbots pull chains\nto close the hole.]\n\nLEELA\nHurry, Bender!\n\nBENDER\nI could if you'd drop the stupid gold\nviolin!\n\nLEELA\nOh, sorry.\n\n[She drops it. It hits Beezlebot on the head. He squeals and\nFry, Leela and Bender escape through the hole.]\n\n[Cut to: Outisde The Inferno. They cheer.]\n\nBENDER\nDon't worry, guys, I'll never be too\ngood or too evil again. From now on,\nI'll just be me.\n\nLEELA\nUh, do you think you could be just little\nless evil than that.\n\nBENDER\nI don't know. Do you think you could\nsurvive a 700ft fall?\n\n[Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nGood old Bender!\n\nTHE END\n\n[The Beastie Boys perform a remix of the theme\nover clips from the episode.]\n\nBEASTIE BOYS\nYeah, Yeah! This one goes out to my\nman, Bender\n\nSending this one out, special dedication\n\nTo all my peoples in the robot homeworld\n\nYeah, yeah! Big up with the professor\n\nMy man Dr. Zoidberg\n\nI'd like to shout out - a personal shout out to Leela\n\nFry! My man Bender\n\nNibber, Nibbler, in the house\n\nBig shout out to all the Futurama"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Flight-To-Remember.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 201\n\n\"A FLIGHT TO REMEMBER\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[The ship flies towards Earth, towards the Planet Express building.\nThe landing gear comes down and the ship lands.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew walk out. Their hair\nis ruffled, their clothes are torn and dirty.]\n\nLEELA\nThat was the worst delivery ever.\n\nFRY\nYeah. I'm never going to another planet\ncalled Cannibalon!\n\nBENDER\nMe neither. (upbeat) Food was good,\nthough.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth is sat at the\ntable, drinking from a cup. He turns around when the crew walk\nin.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, great news, everyone.\n\nBENDER\nShove it! We quit!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIn that case I'll have to hire a new\ncrew to go on our company vacation.\n\nLEELA\nVacation?\n\nBENDER\nAlright!\n\n[He and Fry high five.]\n\nFRY\nThis is great! I haven't had time off\nsince I was 21 through 24.\n\n[They sit down.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's just my way of thanking you for\nnot reporting my countless violations\nof safety and minimum wage laws.\n\nBENDER\nAww, you!\n\n[He knocks Farnsworth affectionately on the shoulder.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI've booked us all on the maiden voyage\nof the largest, most luxurious space\ncruise ship ever built. The Titanic!\n\n[The Titanic is a futuristic space version of the RMS Titanic,\nwith bubble domes and rocket engines. And rings, of course.]\n\nLEELA\nLooks nice.\n\n[Ominous music. They carry on staring at the brochure ... unaware.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Filmed On Location.]\n\n[A huge spaceport sits high above the skyline of New New York.\nThe rotating disc on top indicates it is South Street Spaceport.]\n\n[Cut to: South Street Spaceport Departures. The whole crew emerges\nfrom the travel tubes in the departure area which looks similar\nto that of an airport.]\n\nFRY\nHey, uh, where's my suitcase? Ow!\n\n[South Street Spaceport. The huge Titanic sits moored to the\nport and Mayor Poopenmeyer gives a speech.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nAs Mayor of New New York, it's my pleasure\nto introduce the honorary captain for\nthe Titanic's maiden voyage. A man who\nsingle-handedly defeated the Retiree\nPeople of the Assisted Living Nebula:\nZapp Brannigan!\n\n[Zapp walks forward and waves to the crowd. They cheer and applaud.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, God! Not Zapp Brannigan!\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou know Zapp Brannigan?\n\nLEELA\nLet's just say we've \"crossed paths\".\n\nBENDER\nWas that before or after you slept with\nhim?\n\n[Zapp looks at the Titanic.]\n\nZAPP\nShe's a beautiful ship alright. Shapely,\nseductive. I'm gonna fly her brains\nout. And now, without further adieu,\nI christen this ship, Titanic.\n\n[Kif hands him Leonardo DiCaprio's head in a jar. Zapp smashes\nit against the side of the ship. DiCaprio's head bounces away.\nThe crowd applauds and cheers.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Passengers are now boarding via old-style gangways.\nZapp personally welcomes passengers. He sees the Planet Express\ncrew and Leela walking up the gangway.]\n\nZAPP\nWell, well, well! The Lady Leela. Take\nnotes, Kif. You're about to witness\nthe subtle waltz known as seduction.\nSo, trapped on a ship with me. What\nsay you and I knock some very sensual\nboots?\n\nLEELA\nIt's tempting, but, uh, I have a fianc\u00e9\nnow. Uh, hmm, uh, hmm, uh, we--, uh\n... Him! Fry, darling, meet Zapp Brannigan.\n\nFRY\nHuh? Ooh! How do you do?\n\n[He shakes Zapp's hand. Zapp narrows his eyes at Fry.]\n\n[The Titanic leaves port honking its horn to the cheering crowds.\nIt flies away from Earth and off into space.]\n\n[Titanic First Class Corridor. The crew walk across polished\nfloors and past a grand wooden staircase straight out of the\nfilm Titanic. They walk through another corridor.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, here's my stateroom.\n\n[He walks in, followed by everyone else. Bender suddenly sees\nsomething and stops and purrs. He zooms in on a well-dressed\nFembot and she does the same. He zooms in further and his eyes\nfall out. He scrambles around the floor for them.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on, where is it? Ohh!\n\n[Titanic First Class State Room. Everyone, especially Fry, seems\nsettled in in the room's plush furnishings.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow, Hermes, you and your lovely wife\nLaBarbara have the suite through there.\nAnd Dr. Zoidberg, your marble tank is\non the other side.\n\n[Fry bounces on a green chair.]\n\nFRY\nMan, first class seems nice!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt'll seem even nicer once you've seen\nyour room.\n\n[He hands Amy a key.]\n\n[Titanic First Class Deck. Amy, Leela, Bender and Fry stand waiting\nfor the elevator.]\n\nAMY\nLooks like we're on the Fiesta Deck.\n\n[The elevator door opens.]\n\n[Cut to: Titanic Elevator. Amy presses a button and the elevator\ngoes down. Past second class where there are lots of t-shirt\nwearing tourists with fat children and cameras. Past steerage\nwhere there are lots of stereotypical Irish people. Past laundry\nwhich is already filled with clothes. Past the bowels of the\nship where men shovel coal into furnaces. It stops at the Fiesta\ndeck and the doors opens to a dank, dripping corridor.]\n\n[Titanic Fiesta Deck Corridor. The crew emerge from the elevator.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is it.\n\n[She opens the door and groans.]\n\n[Cut to: Titanic Fiesta Deck Room. The room is dank room with\nleaky pipes and four camp beds along the side.]\n\nFRY\nWell at least we get a window!\n\n[He pulls a blind up and is blasted in the face with reactor\nfumes.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, I'm tired of this room and everyone\nin it. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna\npop over to the casino for the next\n135 hours!\n\n[He leaves.]\n\nAMY\nI think I'll go and fill up on bisque\nat the buffet.\n\n[She closes the door as she leaves.]\n\nFRY\nI guess that just leaves you and your\nfake fianc\u00e9 ... all alone ... on a romatic\ncruise.\n\n[He puts his arm around her.]\n\nLEELA\nTake it off or I'll break it off.\n\nFRY\nOK!\n\n[He takes his arm from around her. Zapp opens the door.]\n\nZAPP\nCaptain's inspection!\n\n[Leela puts Fry's arm back around her and smiles weakly.]\n\n[Titanic Casino. Bender already looks settled in, standing at\na craps table.]\n\nBENDER\nHmm. I'm bettin' it all! Come on,\nbaby needs a new pair of feet!\n\n[He rolls the dice.]\n\nCROUPIER\nSnake eyes.\n\n[He rakes in the chips.]\n\nBENDER\nNo! My cheating unit malfunctioned!\nYou gotta give me a do-over!\n\nCROUPIER\nSorry, the house limit is three do-overs.\nNext shooter.\n\n[Bender takes a seat at the bar and sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nGimmie you're biggest, strongest, cheapest\ndrink.\n\n[The bartender, iZac, turns around.]\n\nIZAC\nYou got it!\n\n[He fills a bucket. Bender turns around and sees the Fembot from\nearlier. He gasps and walks over to introduce himself.]\n\nBENDER\nAllow me to introduce myself. I'm Bender.\n\nCOUNTESS\nCharmed. I'm the Countess de la Roca.\nI was surprised to see another robot\nstaying in first class. Most of the\nrobots I meet are labourers.\n\nBENDER\nI assure you, I barely know the meaning\nof the word \"labour\".\n\n[The Countess laughs.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nOh, Mr. Bender!\n\nBENDER\nPlease, call me Bender.\n\n[He kisses her hand.]\n\nCOUNTESS\n(embarrassed) Oh, goodness. I don't--\n\n[As he kisses her, he reaches around and takes some money from\nher purse.]\n\n[Titanic Wheel Room. Zapp stands in front of an old-fashioned\nsailing wheel. Kif emerges from a washroom.]\n\nZAPP\nKif, I'm feeling the captain's itch.\n\nKIF\nI'll get the powder, sir.\n\nZAPP\nNo, the itch for adventure! Prepare\nto change course.\n\nKIF\nSir, this is a leisure cruise. Our path\nwas set by the travel agency.\n\n[He presses a button and a map comes down on the wall showing\nthe route is a straight line from Earth to another planet.]\n\nZAPP\nThat's for schoolgirls! Now here's a\nroute with some chest hair.\n\n[He squiggles a new course onto the map.]\n\nKIF\nBut that course leads directly through\na swarm of comets.\n\nZAPP\nYes, comets! The icebergs of the sky.\nBy jackknifing from one to the next\nat breakneck speed we might just get\nsome kind of gravity boost ... or something.\nIt's time to shove a jalape\u00f1o up this\nship's tailpipe. Divert power from\nthe shields, full speed ahead!\n\n[Titanic Buffet. Amy is dishing up a bowlful of bisque.]\n\nAMY\nOh yeah--!\n\n[She turns around and gasps and drops the bowl when she sees\nher parents.]\n\nMRS. WONG\nAmy! Hello!\n\nAMY\nMom? Dad? What are you doing here?\n\nMR WONG\nWe were planning on enjoying a relaxing\nvacation. But since you're here, we'll\nhave to do some meddling.\n\nMRS WONG\nWe met the nicest boy in the cabin next\nto ours.\n\nMR WONG\nHe's not very ugly.\n\nMRS WONG\nYou should marry him! Or at least use\nhim to conceive a grandchild for us.\n\nMR WONG\nThere he is at the buffet!\n\n[He points at a large man leaning over the sneeze guard and dipping\nhis finger in the bisque to taste it.]\n\nAMY\nUh, he seems really nice but, well,\nI already have a boyfriend.\n\nMRS WONG\nReally? Where is he?\n\nMR WONG\nAnd why isn't he here right now fathering\nour grandchild?\n\nAMY\nUh ...\n\n[Titanic Deck. Fry and Leela are outside, looking at the stars.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, our accommodations aren't great\nbut it sure is beautiful our here.\n\nFRY\nYeah, it's pretty romantic-- Uh, I mean\nplatonic. Th-That sure is one platonic\nview!\n\nLEELA\nFry, just be quiet. I'm beginning to\nthink this whole fake fianc\u00e9 thing was\na terrible, terrible--\n\n[She turns and gasps, then grabs Fry and kisses him.]\n\nFRY\nHmm? Mmmm!\n\nZAPP\nLeela, perhaps this is an awkward time\nbut if things don't work out with this\npipsqueak here ... ... I just want\nyou to know I'll be there to score you\non the rebound.\n\n[He walks away, humming. Leela stops kissing Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, look, before you get any crazy ideas,\nthat was for Zapp.\n\nFRY\nWell, you got anything else for him?\n\nLEELA\nAlright, can we try not to complicate\nthis?\n\n[Enter Amy and her parents.]\n\nAMY\nMom, Dad. I'd like you to meet Fry,\nmy boyfriend.\n\n[She kisses him.]\n\nFRY\nHmm? Mmmm!\n\n[Time Lapse. Later, the crew relax in swimsuits by the swimming.\nLeela lies on a sunbed wearing a green swimsuit with a hole around\nthe navel. Fry says goodbye to fake girlfriend #2.]\n\nFRY\nSee you later, wuvvums!\n\n[He kisses Amy and she leaves with her parents. He sits on a\nsunbed next to Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nIt would have been nice if you'd told\nme you were going out with Amy.\n\nFRY\nI'm not going out with Amy. It's just\nto fool her parents. Hey, you're not\njealous, are you?\n\nLEELA\nWhat? No. No! Of course not!\n\nFRY\nGood, 'cause I consider my fake relationship\nwith you a lot more meaningful.\n\n[Leela grunts.]\n\n[Countess de la Roca's Room.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nMind if I freshen up a bit before we\ngo out?\n\nBENDER\nI was just about to suggest the same\nthing. Pay dirt!\n\n[He is about to put it in his chest cabinet but he hesitates.\nThe Countess is behind him.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nLovely, isn't it?\n\nBENDER\nYeah. But only 93% as lovely as you.\n\n[He puts it on her wrist.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nOh, Bender! Either that was a computing\nerror or you're the most romantic robot\nI've ever met!\n\n[Bender smirks.]\n\n[Titanic Casino. Bender watches the Countess play a fruit machine\nwhile he sits at the bar.]\n\nBENDER\nI don't get it, iZac: That bracelet\nhad a diamond the size of a racoon's\nbrain. Why couldn't I steal it?\n\nIZAC\nIt's obvious, Mr. B, you're in love.\n\nBENDER\nOh, it's true. But we're star-crossed\nrobots. She, a countess built with a\nsilver spoon in her mouth. And me, just\na regular honest Joe.\n\n[He walks off with the drinks.]\n\nIZAC\nHey, you gonna pay for those?\n\nBENDER\nHell, no!\n\n[iZac presses something on his body and it beeps.]\n\nIZAC\nSecurity to bar area. Security to bar\narea.\n\n[Two robot security guards rise from the floor and grab Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nFellas, please. I'm in love!\n\nIZAC\nRough him up!\n\n[The security guards punch Bender. The Countess intervenes.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nWhat are you doing?\n\nIZAC\nThis penniless chump was stealing drinks,\nma'am.\n\nCOUNTESS\nI see. Here you are, sir ... ... keep\nthe change.\n\nIZAC\nYou got it!\n\n[The security guards punch Bender a couple more times then go\nback into the floor. Bender looks away from the Countess, ashamed.]\n\n[Titanic Deck. The crew, Kif and the fat man are limboing. Zoidberg\nclears the pole.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAha!\n\n[Farnsworth has a go.]\n\nFRY\nGo, Professor!\n\nAMY\nLean back more!\n\n[Farnsworth smacks straight into the pole.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOw!\n\n[Hermes and LaBarbara stand away from the game.]\n\nLABARBARA\nCome on, Hermes, you could out-limbo\nall of these people!\n\nHERMES\nDon't be a dog heart, woman. You know\nI can't. Not after what happened.\n\n[Flashback. It's the 2980 Olympics. Hermes, representing Earth,\nis warming up ready for his limbo.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nNow limboing for the Earth team: Hermes\nConrad.\n\n[As Hermes warms up, a boy in the crowd wearing a Hermes t-shirt\nshouts to him.]\n\nBOY\n(shouting) You're my hero, Hermes! I'm\ngonna be just like you!\n\n[He jumps out of the stand and runs towards the limbo stick.]\n\nHERMES\nNo, boy, stop! It's too low! Your backbone\ncan't take it!\n\n[The boys starts to lean back.]\n\nBOY\nI'm just like Hermes! I'm just like--\n\n[His back cracks, the crowd gasps and Hermes winces.]\n\nHERMES\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[Flashback ends. Hermes is crying. LaBarbara pats him on the\nback.]\n\nLABARBARA\nThere, there. Now you don't have to\nlimbo if you don't want. It doesn't\nmake you any less of a man.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThough it did get me some action!\n\n[Hattie hangs onto his arm.]\n\nHATTIE\nI like a man who's flexible!\n\n[Enter Zapp.]\n\nZAPP\nYour attention, please. As captain of\nthis vessel, the terrible burden of\nnaming a limbo contest winner is mine\nand mine alone.\n\nKIF\nShouldn't you be steering between the\ncomets?\n\nZAPP\nAnd the winner is, Leela!\n\n[The crowd applauds and turns to Leela, who is still sat on her\nsunbed.]\n\nLEELA\nBut I didn't even limbo.\n\nZAPP\nNo matter. I know from personal experience\nhow horizontal you can get. As your\nreward, you and that hairpile are invited\nto dine at the captain's table this\nevening.\n\n[Fry hoots.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender and the Countess lean over the rail on the\ndeck.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, now you know. I'm not actually\nrich. I'm a fraud. A poor, lazy, sexy\nfraud. This isn't even a real bow-tie\n-- it's magnetic.\n\n[He takes the bow-tie off and throws it against the wall where\nit sticks.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nBender, I don't care whether you have\nmoney. I love you for your artificial\nintelligence and your sincerity simulator.\n\nBENDER\nYou do? Really?\n\n[The Countess nods. She and Bender kiss.]\n\n[Montage: In some scenes lifted from Titanic the Countess lies\non a sofa naked. Bender's finger makes printer noises as he draws\nher. He shows her the picture which looks like circuit diagrams.\nAt tthe bow of the ship he holds her up at the railings but she\nis so heavy she ends up breaking his arms off. In the Titanic's\nhold they climb into an old hovercar and literally make sparks.]\n\n[Titanic Buffet. A sign advertises \"All You Can Eat Plus A Whole\nChicken\". Fry, Leela, Farnsworth and Hattie sit with Zapp around\nthe captain's table wearing formal evening wear. Zapp wears a\nformal off-white DOOP jacket with medals.]\n\nZAPP\nI like your style, Fry. You remind me\nof a young me. Not much younger, mind\nyou. Perhaps even a couple of years\nolder.\n\nFRY\nThank you, sir.\n\nZAPP\nAs a gentleman, I must warn you. If\nyou so much as glance at another woman,\nI'll be all over Leela like a fly on\na pile of very seductive manure.\n\nFRY\nWell, rest assured, Leela's the only\ngirl for me.\n\n[Enter the Wongs.]\n\nAMY\nHey, Fry.\n\nLEELA\nAmy!\n\nAMY\nLeela!\n\n[Amy has brought her parents. They sit down.]\n\nZAPP\nAh, the family Wong. Our party is complete.\n\n[Fry, Leela and Amy lean into each other and whisper to each\nother.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) What are we gonna do? Fry\ncan't pretend to be both our boyfriends.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Sure I can. I learned how\nto handle delicate social situations\nfrom a little show called Three's Company.\n\n[Zapp taps his glass.]\n\nZAPP\nI'd like to impose a toast on the happy\ncouple. Down the hatch!\n\nMRS WONG\nHear, hear! Now lets have a kiss!\n\nZAPP\nYes, Fry. Plant one on your woman.\n\nFRY\nUm, let me think. Come and knock on\nour door, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh. Uh,\nMr Roper--\n\n[Mr Wong thumps the table.]\n\nMR WONG\nWhat's the hold up? Kiss my daughter\nalready!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWait, I'm confused. Now tell me, Fry,\nwhich one of these ladies are you involved\nwith?\n\nFRY\nUh ...\n\n[He hums the theme to Three's Company again. Enter Kif.]\n\nKIF\nCaptain, may I have a word with you?\n\nZAPP\nNo.\n\nKIF\nIt's an emergency, sir.\n\nZAPP\nCome back when it's a catasrophe. Oh,\nvery well.\n\n[He leaves with Kif.]\n\nAMY\nWell, with Zapp gone and my parents\nstill here, I suggest Fry give me a\nnice, convincing kiss.\n\nFRY\nAh, now there's something we can all\nenjoy.\n\n[He and Amy kiss. Leela grunts and turns away.]\n\n[Titanic Wheel Room. The comets outside fly very close to the\nship.]\n\nKIF\nSir, remember your course correction?\n\nZAPP\nNo.\n\nKIF\nWell it's proving somewhat more suicidal\nthan we'd initially hoped.\n\nZAPP\nKif, old friend, I don't know which\ndisgusts me more: Your cowardice or\nyour stupidity! We'll simply set a new\ncourse for that empty region over there.\nNear that black-ish hole-ish thing.\n\n[He points at the black-ish hole-ish thing and grins. Kif's jaw\ndrops.]\n\n[Titanic Deck. Fry emerges from a room. Leela is standing looking\nover the railing.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Leela, why'd you run off from dinner?\n\nLEELA\nI didn't run off. I had plenty of time\nto finish eating and stroll away while\nyou were kissing Amy.\n\nFRY\nOh, look, I'm not actually interested\nin her if that's what's bothering you.\n\nLEELA\nOh, are you sure? I mean, she has two\neyes, you have two eyes.\n\nFRY\nI know, we seem like a perfect match,\nbut I just don't feel that way about\nher.\n\n[The Titanic drifts past a nebula.]\n\nLEELA\nNice nebula.\n\nFRY\nYeah.\n\n[They look down at the couples on the decks below: Hermes and\nLaBarbara, Bender and the Countess, Mr and Mrs Wong, Dr Zoidberg\nand a jellyfish thing and Farnsworth and Hattie.]\n\nLEELA\nLook's like everybody's got somebody.\nExcept me.\n\nFRY\nAnd me.\n\n[They gaze into each other's eyes and lean in to kiss. The ship\nshakes, Leela loses her balance, head butts Fry and they both\nfall over.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat was that? Oh, my God! We're heading\nstraight into a black hole.\n\nFRY\nTalk about a mood killer!\n\n[Titanic Wheel Room.]\n\nZAPP\nDon't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed\nfrom the start. Nothing remains now\nbut for the captain to go down with\nhis ship.\n\nKIF\nWhy, that's surprisingly noble of you,\nsir.\n\nZAPP\nNo, it's noble of you, Kif! As of now\n... ... you're in command. Congratulations,\ncaptain!\n\n[He runs off and hops into an escape pod and flies away. Kif\nsighs.]\n\n[Titanic Deck. People are running about in a panic. The crew\nlook at a map of the Titanic.]\n\nLEELA\nOK. We just have to get from here to\nthe escape pods.\n\n[\"Here\" is the front of the ship. The escape pods are located\nat the back. The map breaks is half and the ship itself begins\nto tear in half.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) I'm too young to die!\n\nLEELA\nCome on, before its too late!\n\nBENDER\nYou all go without me. I'm gonna take\none last look around. You know, for,\nuh, stuff to steal.\n\nFRY\nYou're going back or the Countess, aren't\nyou?\n\n[Bender pulls Fry aside.]\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) Alright, I am. But I don't\nwant the others to know. If I don't\ncome back, just say I died robbing some\nold man.\n\nFRY\nI'll tell them you went out prying the\nwedding ring off his cold, dead finger.\n\nBENDER\nI love you, buddy!\n\n[Bender hugs Fry then runs off.]\n\n[Cut to: Titanic Casino. The fruit machines and tables are overturned,\nfires burn and there is a huge hole in the middle of the floor.\nBender runs in to the room.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Countess? Countess?\n\nCountess (shouting) Bender!\n\n[Bender looks around and sees the Countess's hat by the hole.\nHe rushes over and peers into the hole. The Countess is trapped\nin a burning room. She is huddled in a corner away from the flames.]\n\nCOUNTESS\n(shouting) I fell through the deck.\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Are you hurt, my sweet?\n\nCOUNTESS\n(shouting) No. Luckily a family broke\nmy fall.\n\nBENDER\nJust hang on! I'll take care of that\nfire!\n\n[He grabs a fire hose and jumps through the hole.]\n\n[Cut to: Titanic Room. Bender lands in the middle of the room\nand sprays the flames with water, extinguishing the fire. He\nleaves the hose and hugs the Countess.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nBender, you risked your life to save\nme.\n\nBENDER\nAnd I'd do it again. And perhaps a third\ntime. But that would be it. When we\nkiss, I feel like I'm standing waist\ndeep in a pool of cold, rising water.\n\n[They both look down and see they are standing waist deep in\na pool of cold, rising water. They scream and shout as it gets\ncloser to their heads.]\n\n[Titanic Corridor. The crew run around a corner. Fry is carrying\nFarnsworth on his back.]\n\nLEELA\nHurry! The escape pods should be just\nahead!\n\nHERMES\n(gasping) Faster!\n\n[There is a crash and the emergency airlock begins to close.\nThe crew rush forward to get under it. Zoidberg dives and wedges\nhis claw under it. It stops moving. Leela tries to lift it.]\n\nLEELA\nIt won't move. And the door release\nis on the other side.\n\nFRY\nThen we're dead meat. No one could squeeze\nunder there!\n\n[Hermes steps forward.]\n\nHERMES\nNo one, except a legendary limbo champion.\n\n[He tears his tux off, revealing his Earth team vest underneath.]\n\nLABARBARA\nOh, Hermes!\n\n[Hermes leans back and his back creaks.]\n\nHERMES\nOoh! It's been a while. This one is\nfor that little kid who's limboing up\nin heaven right now.\n\n[LaBarbara pulls a food trolley in front of her and starts playing\na dish cover with some spoons. Hermes squeezes under the door.\nThe others cheer.]\n\nLABARBARA\nThat's my man, alright, baby, limbo!\n\nHERMES\nI still got the moves! Zoidberg, lower\nthe door another inch.\n\nLABARBARA\nJust go on through and hit the release,\nyou hot dog!\n\nHERMES\nYes, dear.\n\n[The door slides up. They all cheer and rush through.]\n\nLABARBARA\nThat's my man!\n\nAMY\nYay, Hermes!\n\nHERMES\nUh, can somebody help me up?\n\n[Titanic Room. The water rises and completely covers the robots.\nThey stop screaming.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nWell, now what are we going to do?\n\nBENDER\nWait a second. Aren't you a member of\nthe yacht club?\n\nCOUNTESS\nBy God, you're right! I'm a class-3\nyacht.\n\n[A propellor comes out from under her. Bender hops on and they\nrise to the surface.]\n\n[Titanic Deck. Passengers are boarding the escape pods.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThank God there are plenty of escape\npods; We won't have to dress up like\nwomen and children.\n\n[He takes his hat off and throws his lolly down. He and the others\nrun into the escape pod. Leela and Fry stop outside.]\n\nLEELA\nWe can't leave yet. We've got to wait\nfor Bender. The high gravity must be\nslowing down his looting.\n\n[Amy's parents walk out onto the deck.]\n\nMRS WONG\nAmy!\n\nAMY\nMom? Dad? You're alive!\n\nMR WONG\nYeah but so what? The important thing\nis we found you a new man.\n\nMRS WONG\nA captain.\n\nAMY\nUh, Mom, I don't-- Hi!\n\nKIF\n(sexfully) Hello!\n\n[Kif picks Amy up and carries her to the escape pod. They kiss.]\n\n[Cut to: Escape Pod. The ship begins to twist and distort.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI don't feel well!\n\n[His head twists around like a squishy goo.]\n\n[Cut to: Titanic Deck. Fry points at something in space.]\n\nFRY\nLook! It's our nebula. Whenever I see\nit I'll think back to that moment when\nwe almost-- Never mind!\n\n[Hermes pokes his head out of the escape pod.]\n\nHERMES\nEveryone else is off the ship. Where\nin Babylon is Bender?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know. But we can't wait any\nlonger.\n\n[She gets into the pod and Fry follows. He looks back at the\nship.]\n\nFRY\nGoodbye, Bender.\n\n[He closes the hatch. Bender and the Countess run out of the\nship panting.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Wait for us!\n\n[The escape pod lifts off and the airlock between it and the\nTitanic deck seals. Bender and the Countess leap from the deck,\nsmashing through the glass airlock.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Escape Pod. Bender and the Countess float towards\nthe pod and Bender reaches out his hand.]\n\n[Cut to: Escape pod. It rocks as Bender grabs hold. Everyone\nis sat along the length of the pod and Leela steers.]\n\nLEELA\nSomething's wrong. We're two metric\ntons overweight.\n\nAMY\nWell, its not me!\n\n[Fry looks out of the airlock window.]\n\nFRY\nLook!\n\n[Everyone looks out the window to see Bender and the Countess.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Escape Pod. The Titanic creaks and is sucked\ninto the black hole. The escape pod starts to drift back towards\nit.]\n\nCOUNTESS\nI'm slipping, Bender. The pull is too\nstrong!\n\n[She slips from Bender's grasp but he grabs on to her bracelet.\nIt's all that holds them together. She screams.]\n\nBENDER\nI can't live without you. If you let\ngo, I let go!\n\nCOUNTESS\nNo! You have too much to live for. It\nmay hurt for a while but one day you'll\nshare your love again. After all, it's\nshareware.\n\nBENDER\nDon't talk like that. Tragic romances\nalways have a happy ending.\n\n[The bracelet snaps and the Countess falls towards the black\nhole.]\n\nCOUNTESS\n(shouting) Farewell!\n\n[The black hole sucks her in.]\n\nBENDER\nNooo!\n\n[Cut to: Escape Pod. Bender walks in and closes the airlock behind\nhim.]\n\nBENDER\nShe's gone.\n\nLEELA\nBut she saved all our lives. Without\nher, we're light enough to get away.\n\n[Bender slams his head against the airlock and cries.]\n\nFRY\nDon't cry, Bender. Nobody really knows\nwhat happens in a black hole. It's possible\nshe's still alive in another dimension\nsomewhere. Right, Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, yes, absolutely! Not a chance!\n\n[He draws his finger across his neck and mimes being hung.]\n\nBENDER\nAt least I'll always have her bracelet!\nWhat do you think it's worth?\n\n[Hermes takes a look at it.]\n\nHERMES\nIt's fake, mon!\n\n[Bender cries as the the pod flies away into space.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Mars-University.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 202\n\n\"MARS UNIVERSITY\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender, Fry and Leela are sat\naround the table. Bender has a bottle of L\u00f6brau. Fry has a can\nof Slurm and isn't wearing his jacket. Enter Farnsworth with\na large crate on a hover trolley.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone. We've got a very\nspecial delivery today.\n\nFRY\nWho's it going to?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMe.\n\n[Bender dusts off his hands.]\n\nBENDER\nAnother job well done.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, I need it shipped to my office at\nMars University. It's a little experiment\nthat may well win me the Nobel Prize.\n\nLEELA\nIn what field?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI don't care, they all pay the same.\n\n[Fry stands next to the box.]\n\nFRY\nIs it dangerous?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my, no. Off we go!\n\n[Opening Credits. There is a remixed version of the normal theme.\nCaption: Transmitido en Martian en SAP.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars.]\n\n[Mars University Campus. The ship flies over a sign reading \"Mars\nUniversity. Knowledge Brings Fear\" and lands in an empty space\non the campus grounds.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth takes Fry, Leela and Bender on a tour\nof the university grounds. They walk past a statue of a big skulled\nMartian with octopus-like tentacles wielding a huge laser gun\non horseback.]\n\nFRY\nVery impressive. Back in the 20th century\nwe had no idea there was a university\non Mars.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, in those days Mars was just a\ndreary, uninhabitable wasteland, uh,\nmuch like Utah. But unlike Utah, it\nwas eventually made livable, when the\nuniversity was founded in 2636.\n\nLEELA\nThey planted traditional college foliage:\nivy, trees, hemp. Soon the whole planet\nwas terraformed.\n\nFRY\nDoes that mean it's safe to breathe\nthe air?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf course.\n\n[Fry takes some huge breaths.]\n\n[Outside Wong Library. The building is quite big, with \"Socrates\n| Vos Savant | Cognitron\" written across the top.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOver here is Wong Library. It has the\nlargest collection of literature in\nthe Western universe.\n\n[Fry peers through the glass.]\n\n[Cut to: Mars University: Wong Library. The building is empty,\nsave for a single table in the middle of the room with two discs\nlabelled \"Fiction\" and \"Non-Fiction\" propped up on it. Fry whistles\nimpressedly.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Wong Library.]\n\nBENDER\nHey look. There's a chapter of my old\nrobot fraternity; Epsilon Rho Rho.\n\n[He points to a beaten up frat house with a neon \"ERR\" sign atop\nit. There is a smashed up car, some kegs, a cable spool being\nused as a table, some kegs, some dustbins, some kegs, some upturned\nchairs and some kegs around it.]\n\nLEELA\nYou went to college?\n\nBENDER\nOf course, I'm a bender. I went to Bending\nCollege. I majored in Bending.\n\nFRY\nWhat was your minor?\n\nBENDER\nRobo-American Studies.\n\n[Outside Epsilon Rho Rho House. Bender knocks on the door and\na dorky fratbot answers it.]\n\nFRATBOT #1\nAre you here to fumigate the moose head?\n\nBENDER\nUh, no, actually I'm an Epsilon from\nway back.\n\n[They both to a crazy handshake full of tugs, whizzes and the\ncreation of cosmic clouds.]\n\nFRATBOT #1\nEh, close enough. C'mon in.\n\nBENDER\nThanks. Here's your finger back.\n\n[The fratbot takes it and Bender and the crew follow him in.]\n\n[Cut to: Epsilon Rho Rho House. The place is a mess.]\n\nBENDER\nAll the coolest robots are in this fraternity.\n\n[In another room two other fratbots sit at a table with a chessboard.\nThe room is a mess, littered with empty pizza boxes, cans and\nbooks. A sock hangs over the moose head and there is a dartboard\nhanging on a door with darts jabbed in the wall around it. There\nis a pin-up of a Fembot and a L\u00f6brau poster with a human woman\non it on another wall. One of the other fratbots looks like he\nhas glasses painted onto his face and the other one is very fat.\nThe glasses one looks at the chessboard. The game hasn't begun.]\n\nFRATBOT #2\nMate in 143 moves.\n\nFRATBOT #3\nOh, poo, you win again!\n\nBENDER\nUh-oh, nerds!\n\nFRATBOT #1\nAllow me to introduce myself. I'm Gearshift,\nchapter president. This is Oily, and\nthis here is Fatbot.\n\nBENDER\nYou're all losers. My name's Bender.\n\n[The fratbots gasp.]\n\nOILY\nBender from Bending State Bender? Wow,\nyou're a legend around here!\n\nFATBOT\nI heard that in one single night you\ndrank a whole keg, streaked across campus\nand crammed 58 humans into a phone booth.\n\nBENDER\n(modest) Yeah, well, a lot of 'em were\nchildren. Anyway I should get going.\n\n[Leela comes down the stairs.]\n\nGEARSHIFT\nNo, Bender, wait. We're the lamest frat\non campus. Even Hillel has better parties\nthan us. Please, you've gotta stay and\nteach us how to be cool.\n\nBENDER\nHmm, OK. But I'll need 10 kegs of beer,\na continuous tape of Louie Louie and\na regulation two-storey panty-raid ladder.\n\n[Fatbot wiggles his fingers with excitement.]\n\nFATBOT\nOh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!\n\n[Mars University Campus. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth continue the\ntour.]\n\nFRY\nI tell you, being here really takes\nme back to my college days.\n\n[Flashback. There is a snake boy stall and a water balloon stall\nwhere winners get a Bart and Homer Simpson doll. Fry stands by\na booth called Coney Island Community College. A buck-toothed\nguy leans through a window wearing a gown and hat.]\n\nMAN #1\nStep right up, who wants to learn physics?\n\n[Fry shrugs and walks in.]\n\nMAN #2\nKeep your hands inside the car at all\ntimes.\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFRY\nGood old Coney Island College! Go Whitefish!\n\nLEELA\nDon't take this the wrong way, Fry,\nbut you don't seem like the educated\ntype.\n\nFRY\nOh, yeah? Read it and weep. I'm a certified\ncollege dropout.\n\nLEELA\nPlease! Everyone knows 20th century\ncolleges were basically expensive daycare\ncentres.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's true. By current academic standards,\nyou're merely a high school dropout.\n\nFRY\nWhat?! That's not fair. I deserve the\nsame respect any other college dropout\ngets. By God, I'm gonna enroll here\nat Mars University and drop out all\nover again!\n\nLEELA\nYou won't last two weeks.\n\nFRY\nAww, thanks for believing in me.\n\n[Mars University Student Registration. A few people queue up\nin front of the enrolment tables for A-L and M-Y. Several aliens\nqueue at Z. Fry joins the A-L line and leafs through a course\ncatalogue. Amy wanders up behind him.]\n\nAMY\nYo, classmate. What you takin'?\n\nFRY\nOh, I don't know. Hey, Professor, what\nare you teaching this semester?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSame thing I teach every semester: The\nmathematics of quantum neutrino fields.\nI made up the title so that no student\nwould dare take it.\n\nFRY\nMathematics of wanton burrito meals.\nI'll be there!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPlease, Fry, I don't know how to teach;\nI'm a professor!\n\nFRY\nSee you in class!\n\n[Farnsworth grumbles as he walks off with his crate.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh!\n\n[Mars University Campus. That night Bender runs around the Martian\nstatue and checks the coast is clear. He beckons to the others\nand they run across the campus with a ladder. They lean it up\nagainst the side of a building and climb on. The ladder lifts\nthem up to a window and they giggle as they peer through.]\n\nFATBOT\nThis is gonna be great!\n\n[Cut to: Sorority House. Sexy blondes pillow fight in their slinky\nunderwear, another takes her towel off and steps into the shower\nand another takes a haiband out of her hair and starts typing\non a Mac. The robots stare towards her chest then suddenly stare\nat the Mac.]\n\nBENDER\nBingo!\n\nFATBOT\nOh, mama!\n\n[Gearshift wolf whistles. The Mac fizzles and suddenly goes off.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah! Someone's been a bad computer!\nGet a load of that!\n\n[He zooms in and his eyes start to push him away from the glass.]\n\n[Cut to: Mars University Campus. The ladder tips back and it\nand the fratbots crash into a building. Some guys wearing blue\nblazers and smoking pipes run out of Snooty House. The first,\nMeiderneyer, has brown hair and the second one, Chet, is blonde.]\n\nMEIDERNEYER\nI say, you've damaged our servants'\nquarters ... and our servants.\n\nCHET\nThis time Robot House has gone too far.\n\nBENDER\nCheese it!\n\n[They run off screaming.]\n\nFATBOT\n(screaming) They're gonna catch us!\n\n[Financial Aid Dorm: Fry's Room. Fry looks around his new abode.]\n\nFRY\nHey, pretty nice for a single. Two desks,\ntwo chairs, a couple of beds. A woodpecker.\n\nLEELA\nI think that's probably your roommate.\n\nFRY\nOh, right, cool. (shouting) C'mon in,\nroomie! (talking) What the--?\n\nMONKEY\nI call top bunk! Ahh!\n\n[Time Lapse. The monkey hums as it empties it's case. It takes\nout a toothbrush and toothpaste, a hairbrush and a hairdryer.]\n\nFRY\nMy roommate's a monkey?\n\nMONKEY\n(sarcastic) Brilliant deduction, you're\na credit to your species.\n\n[Enter Farnsworth pushing the empty crate.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, Fry, I see you've met Guenter!\n\nFRY\nYou know each other?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGuenter is my experiment. He was the\ntop secret contents of this stinking\ncrate.\n\n[He lowers the crate and pats it.]\n\nGUENTER\nI'd rather live in a crate than share\na room with this dork.\n\nLEELA\nSo what makes Guenter talk?\n\nFRY\nIs he genetically engineered?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, please! That's preposterous science-fiction\nmumbo-jumbo. Guenter's intelligence\nactually lies in his electronium hat\nwhich harnesses the power of sunspots\nto produce cognitive radiation.\n\n[Fry scratches his head in confusion. Guenter scoffs.]\n\nGUENTER\nYou're wasting your breath, Professor.\nHe'll never understand a word of it.\n\nFRY\nI understood the word \"hat\"!\n\n[He reaches for the hat and Guenter leaps back.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPlease, stop bickering. I arranged that\nyou be roommates for a reason: So I'd\nonly have to remember one phone number.\nNow shake hands and make up.\n\n[They reluctantly do. Fry holds up a banana.]\n\nFRY\nYou want a banana?\n\nGUENTER\nI don't eat bananas. I prefer banana-flavoured\nenergy bars made from tofu.\n\n[Fry narrows his eyes.]\n\nFRY\nI don't like you.\n\n[Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. The teacher\nscrawls \"20th Century History\" on the blackboard with a piece\nof chalk and presses a button which converts it to clean text.\nGuenter is sat to his left and Amy two seats left. Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nThis is gonna be a cakewalk!\n\nTEACHER\nWelcome to the history of the 20th century.\nLook to your left, then to your right.\nThen in nine other directions. One of\nthe 12 of you will not pass this class.\n\nAMY\nBoring. Let's hear about Walter Mondale\nalready!\n\nTEACHER\nBe forewarned: The only sure way to\nget an A in this class is to have lived\nin the 20th century.\n\nFRY\nSwish!\n\n[He swishes his hands. The teacher presses a button in front\nof him marked \"Fry\" and Fry gets electrocuted.]\n\nTEACHER\nYou were saying, Mr. Fry?\n\nFRY\nI'm from the 20th century. Go ahead,\nask me anything.\n\nTEACHER\nVery well. What device invented in the\n20th century allowed people to view\nbroadcast programmes in their own homes?\n\nFRY\nOoh ... I know this ... whatyya call\nit? Lite Brite!\n\n[The teacher electrocutes him again. Guenter laughs and points\nhis pencil in the air.]\n\nGUENTER\nI believe the answer is the television.\n\nTEACHER\nVery good Mr ... ... Guenter.\n\nAMY\n(impressed) Wow! Smart and cute!\n\n[She ruffles Guenter's fur. Guenter smiles cockily at Fry.]\n\n[Mars University: Mentholyptus Hall. Dean Vernon sits in his\noffice at his desk carefully adjusting parts of a model spaceship\nwith old-fashioned sails. He is a middle-aged man and wears a\nbrown suit and black thick-rimmed glasses.]\n\nVERNON\nWhat I love about being dean of students\nis the peace and quiet and the respect\nI receive. Now what's all this about?\n\n[He puts it on speaker-phone.]\n\nWOMAN\nDean Vernon, the students from Robot\nHouse are here.\n\n[Vernon takes off his glasses.]\n\nVERNON\nRobot House!\n\n[Enter Bender and the other fratbots.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, dean, nice looking model.\n\n[Vernon quickly pulls it back from the edge of the desk.]\n\nVERNON\nYou keep away from it. You robots are\na disgrace to this university. Whenever\na fire alarm is pulled, it's Robot House.\nWhenever the campus liquor store is\nlooted, Robot House. Whenever a human\ncorpse is desecrated--\n\nBENDER\nNow, I can explain that.\n\nVERNON\nThat's enough out of you. From this\nday forth, Robot House is on dodecatupple-secret\nprobation!\n\n[The robots gasp.]\n\nBENDER\nNo fair!\n\nFATBOT\nMy mom is gonna kill me!\n\n[Vernon puts his glasses back on.]\n\nVERNON\nNow if you'll excuse me, I have to get\nback to the one thing that's kept me\nsane these past eight years: My model\nship.\n\n[He looks down. The ship isn't on his desk. His jaw drops when\nhe sees Fatbot eating it.]\n\nGEARSHIFT\nFatbot! No!\n\nFATBOT\nWhen I get nervous I get hungry.\n\n[Vernon grits his teeth.]\n\nBENDER\nCheese it!\n\n[Cut to: Mars University: Outside Mentholyptus Hall. The robots\nburst through the doors, run down the steps and away.]\n\nVERNON\n(shouting; from inside) Robot House!\n\n[Cafe. Fry sits with a brown-haired girl wearing an orange MU\ntop and reading an English 101 book. Fry has a tray in front\nof him with a burger, two bananas and some crackers on it.]\n\nFRY\nSo, Chrissy, we seem to be hitting it\noff. If you're not doing anything later\nmight I escort you to a kegger?\n\nCHRISSY\nNot even if you were the last man on\nMars.\n\n[She slams the book shut, gets up and leaves. Fry watches.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Cafe. Fry watches Chrissy through the window\nas she writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Guenter.\nShe giggles, chews her pencil bashfully and leaves. Fry watches\nher, dumbstruck. Guenter raps on the window and gets Fry's attention.]\n\nGUENTER\n(shouting) Hey! You like bananas?\n\n[Cut to: Cafe. Guenter slaps the piece of paper onto the window.]\n\nGUENTER\n(shouting; from outside) I got her number.\nHow do you like them bananas?\n\n[He walks off and Fry growls.]\n\n[Mars University: Mathematics Of Quantum Neutrino Fields Lecture\nHall. Farnsworth has drawn a diagram and some algerbra on the\nblackboard under the heading \"Today's Lesson: WD or 'Witten's\nDog'\".]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd therefore, by process of elimination,\nthe electron must taste like grapeade.\n\n[He turns around to his class ... who aren't there. The door\nopens and Fry walks in.]\n\nFRY\nSorry, I overslept.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUntil 5pm?\n\nFRY\nIt's that obnoxious monkey. He kept\nme up all night with his constant thinking.\nJust thinking and thinking. He's trying\nto make me look like an idiot.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't be jealous. Without his special\nhat, Guenter might be no more intelligent\nthan you.\n\n[Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nI hate that rodent!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFry, that monkey is my most important\nexperiment. If you two don't stop fighting\nI'll have you both neutered.\n\n[Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nThat'll show him.\n\n[Mars University Parent's Reception. A string quartet plays in\nthe corner of the room near a portrait of Vernon holding his\nmodel ship. The room is well-decorated, with bookshelves lined\nwith old books, chanderliers and large armchairs. Guests include\nthe boys from Snooty House and the fratbots. Amy is wearing a\nlong white dress and introduces her parents to Vernon.]\n\nAMY\nDean Vernon, I'd like you to meet my\nparents, Leo and Inez.\n\nVERNON\nAh, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I'm so glad we\ncould admit Amy in exchange for your\ngenerous contribution.\n\nMR. WONG\nHow much more for Phi Beta Kappa?\n\nVERNON\nHow much you got?\n\n[Fry scoops up some hors d'evours from the buffet and shovels\nthem in his mouth. Guenter sidles up beside him.]\n\nGUENTER\nSorry I'm late, I was off at a study\nsession ... with Chrissy!\n\n[Fry carries on chewing and narrows his eyes at Guenter.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, I'm glad you made it, Guenter because\nin honour of parents weekend I have\na special surprise for you.\n\n[He pulls a purple sheet off a cage. There are two monkeys inside.]\n\nGUENTER\n(horrified) Mom? Dad? What are you doing\nhere? This is so humiliating.\n\n[Fry throws some bananas into the cage.]\n\nFRY\nNow these monkeys I like! What's that?\nYou wanna come out?\n\n[He unlocks the cage.]\n\nGUENTER\nNo! Stop!\n\n[The cage door falls open and the monkeys run out. One jumps\ninto the punch bowl and splashes around and another jumps onto\na snooty boy and knocks him over. The other guests run away.]\n\nCHET\nI say.\n\n[Fry, Leela and Farnsworth duck.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat's that they're flinging at us?\n\nGUENTER\nOh, dear Lord, all over the dean!\n\n[He covers his face.]\n\nFRY\nHey, uh, Guenter? Why don't you get\nup on the chandelier with your parents\nand I'll take a picture?\n\n[Guenter's parents swing around on the chandelier. He groans\nand runs out.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, looks like the party's winding\ndown. Let's take a road trip to Tijuana\nand get Fatbot some action.\n\n[Oily and Gearshift high-five.]\n\nFATBOT\nIt's my first time, I'm really nervous.\n\n[He eats the portrait of Vernon. Vernon wipes his face and sees.]\n\nVERNON\n(shouting) Robot House!\n\n[Financial Aid Dorm Corridor. Fry and Leela stand outside Fry\nand Guenter's room.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat you did to Guenter was cruel. At\nthe risk of sounding like an after-school\nspecial, I think we learned who the\nreal animal was today.\n\nFRY\nYou mean peer pressure?\n\n[Cut to: Financial Aid Dorm: Fry and Guenter's Room. Fry opens\nthe door. The room is dark and Guenter's shadow is cast onto\nthe wall. He is holding something and points it at Fry and Leela.\nFry gasps and hides behind Leela.]\n\nFRY\nLook out! He's got a gun!\n\n[Leela turns the light on. Guenter is sat in the corner of the\nroom surrounded by banana skins. The thing he is holding is another\nbanana.]\n\nGUENTER\n(crying) Leave me alone.\n\nLEELA\nHey, what's going on? I thought you\ndidn't like bananas.\n\nGUENTER\n(crying) Of course I do. I try so hard\nto fit in but seeing my parents act\nlike that made me realise I'm just a\nprimative beast.\n\n[He sobs.]\n\nFRY\nHey, hey, cheer up. Not everyone turns\nout like their parents. I mean, look\nat me. My folks were honest hardworking\npeople.\n\n[He snorts.]\n\nLEELA\nBesides, Guenter, you're not like other\nmonkeys. You've got the hat.\n\nGUENTER\n(crying) So what? I mean, sure, it looks\ncool and it makes me smart but it doesn't\nmake me happy.\n\n[He sobs some more.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's so sad. I didn't even know monkeys\ncould cry.\n\nGUENTER\n(crying) They can't. It's all the hat.\n\n[And some more. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nLook, Guenter, if you're so miserable\nhere, maybe you should just go back\nto the jungle.\n\nGUENTER\nThe jungle. But I couldn't do that to\nthe Professor. I'm his prize experiment,\nand he's like a father to me.\n\nLEELA\nBut he's not your father. That guy in\nthe punch bowl was your father.\n\n[Fry spits out a mouthful of punch.]\n\n[Mars University: 20th Century History Lecture Hall. \"Test Today\"\nflashes on the board and Guenter scribbles away, hard at work.\nFarnsworth stands at the front with the teacher.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLook at him, I'm so proud.\n\nFRY\nThanks, Professor!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot you.\n\n[He presses the electrocution button and Fry screams.]\n\nFRY\n(screaming) Ow!\n\n[Guenter looks up from his paper and sighs. He has drawn bananas\nall over his paper. Fry leans over and takes a peek at Guenter's\npaper and scribbles a crude banana on his paper. He chuckles.\nGuenter stares out of the window at the jungle. He shakes his\nhead and tries to concentrate. Farnsworth watches him and smiles.\nGuenter looks back and forth through the window and at Farnsworth,\nstarts hyperventilating and finally cracks. He snaps his pencil\nand screams. He throws off his hat, makes monkey noises and jumps\nthrough a window.]\n\nSTUDENT\nHey!\n\n[Guenter runs off the campus and into the jungle and Farnsworth\nhangs his head.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, I always feared he might run off\nlike this. Why? Why? Why didn't I break\nhis legs?\n\n[Financial Aid Dorm: Fry and Guenter's Room. Farnsworth stares\nat a photo of him and Guenter on a log flume ride. He strokes\nthe picture.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(crying) Oh, poor Guenter.\n\nLEELA\nSo he just ran away in the middle of\nthe exam?\n\n[Farnsworth sniffs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm afraid so. All he handed in was\na paper smeared with faeces. He tied\nwith Fry.\n\nFRY\nI guess he realised I was right when\nI told him to go back to the jungle.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou what? After I spent months slaving\nover a hot monkey brain?\n\nFRY\nHey, don't blame me. You tried to force\nGuenter to be a human but he's an animal.\nHe belongs in the wild. Or in the circus\non one of those tiny tricycles. Now\nthat's entertainment.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut Guenter's obviously better off being\nintelligent. Tell him, Leela.\n\nLEELA\nNuh-uh, I'm staying out of this. Now\nhere's my opinion: What we should do\nis...\n\n[She leans in and whispers something to them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat?\n\nLEELA\nI said we'll go to the jungle and let\nGuenter decide once and for all.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat?\n\n[Mars Surface. There is a Big Fraternity Raft Regatta and crowds\nhave turned out to watch. The fratbots pull their delapidated\nraft into the river alongside other frats.]\n\nVERNON\nYou all know the rules. Whichever house\nwins the regatta becomes head of the\nGreek Council. And should that house\ncurrently be on any type of multiple\nsecret probation, it will be lifted\nand I will be forced to serve as Grand\nMarshal of a parade honouring them.\n\n[The SS Von Snoot pulls up alongside Bender's raft.]\n\nCHET\nI say, Robot House, your water craft\nis as ill-designed as you yourselves.\n\nMEIDERNEYER\nGood one, Chet!\n\n[They laugh, chink their glasses and gulp down their champagne.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah? Watch this!\n\n[He rips the top of a keg off, downs the whole thing and belches\na huge flame. He crushes the keg against his head and the Snootys\nstare.]\n\nCHET\nWell, I never!\n\nVERNON\nFraternities, on your marks.\n\n[He fires the starting gun at the fratbots' boat and it starts\nto deflate. The SS Von Snoot sails off.]\n\nBENDER\nHey!\n\n[Mars Jungle. Leela cuts through some thicket and Farnsworth\nand Fry follow.]\n\nFRY\nWow\" The jungles on Mars look just like\nthe jungles on Earth.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nJungles? On Earth?\n\n[He laughs. Leela points up a tree.]\n\nLEELA\nI see some movement up there. I think\nit's him.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nStand back.\n\n[He pulls a pin from a grenade and throws it into the bushes.\nIt explodes and a purple gas envelopes the tree. Three tucans,\ntwo parrots, a frog, a lizard, a snake and tiger fall out of\nit flat on their backs.]\n\nLEELA\nOops.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't worry. They'll be fine once the\ntranquiliser wears off.\n\n[They walk on and don't notice a huge elephant fall from the\ntree and flatten the other creatures.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The trio peer through some leaves.]\n\nFRY\nThere's our man!\n\n[They watch Guenter sitting on a rock looking at his reflection\nin a river.]\n\nLEELA\nProfessor, you'll offer Guenter the\nhat and, Fry, you'll offer him the banana.\nWe'll let him choose whether he wants\nto be intelligent or just a mindless\nanimal.\n\n[Fry chombles on the banana. Leela gives him a stern look and\nhands him a new one. Guenter scratches himself and sees them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCome on, Guenter, take the hat.\n\nFRY\nNo, the banana, the banana!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nConsider the philosophical and metaphysical\nramifications of the--\n\nFRY\nBanana, banana, banana!\n\nLEELA\nWait, what's that sound?\n\n[They hear a motorboat get closer and closer. It's the fratbots.\nBender waterskis behind the repaired raft.]\n\nGEARSHIFT\n(shouting) Hey, Bender, you sure this\nis a short-cut?\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Not as sure as I was an hour\nago!\n\n[The raft zooms past Leela, Fry and Farnsworth and Bender's waterskis\ncreate a wave that washes over the them and drags them into the\nriver. The current catches them and they scream. Downriver the\nfratbots come to a huge waterfall. They scream and go over the\nedge. They hit some rocks at the bottom and disappear underwater.\nThe SS Von Snoot sails past towards the finish line.]\n\nVERNON\nAnd the winner is ... ... Robot House?!\n\n[The Snooty boys suddenly fall out of their boat. Leela, Fry\nand Farnsworth are still heading for the waterfall. They grab\nonto a log.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, dear Lord!\n\nLEELA\nNo! No!\n\n[The log wedges itself behind a rock in the middle of the river\nand they stop floating towards the waterfall. They breathe a\nsigh of relief.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThank God this log is sturdy. (shouting)\nPut on the hat, Guenter! You're the\nonly one who can save us! (muttering)\nStupid monkey.\n\n[Guenter puts the hat on his knee.]\n\nFRY\nNo.\n\nLEELA\nNot there.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nKeep trying.\n\n[He puts it on his butt and Fry chuckles. Finally he puts it\non his head.]\n\nGUENTER\nEureka! The hat goes on the head. It's\nall so obvious now!\n\n[The log starts to move.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Help us, Guenter!\n\nGUENTER\nOh, my goodness. (shouting) Hang on.\nI need to do some calculations. Got\nit! Grab on!\n\n[They do and Guenter tumbles over the edge, pulling them upwards.\nThe vine ties itself around them and a branch.],\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe're saved!\n\nFRY\n'Preciate it Guenter!\n\n[Guenter holds onto the vine as he dangles halfway down the waterfall.\nThe vine starts to break and he whimpers.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, no! Hurry, Guenter, climb up the\nvine. You can still save yourself.\n\nGUENTER\nWhy bother? I've got nothing to live\nfor. I was miserable as a genius, and\nas a monkey, I was so dumb I tried to\nwear a hat on my butt. (sadly) There's\njust no place for me in this world.\n(normal) Although, on the other hand--\n\n[The vine snaps and he screams as he plummets towards the bottom.\nFarnsworth, Fry and Leela watch him. He hits the water below.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, that poor, sweet monkey. Well lets\ngo gather him up. There's no sense letting\nhim go to waste.\n\n[He licks his lips.]\n\n[Time Lapse. They reach the foot of the waterfall and find Guenter\nstill alive. His hat is bashed though.]\n\nFRY\nGuenter! You're alive!\n\nGUENTER\nI guess the hat must have broke my fall.\n\n[Farnsworth opens up the hat.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt seems to be working at only half-capacity,\nbut I can fix it.\n\nGUENTER\nNo, wait! I like it like this. I actually\nfeel sort of happy.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut what about your super-intelligence?\n\nGUENTER\nWhen I had that there was too much pressure\nto use it. All I want out of life is\nto be a monkey of moderate intelligence\nwho wears a suit. That's why I've decided\nto transfer to business school!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[Mars University Campus. Dean Vernon keeps his word and reluctantly\nheads the parade honouring the robots of ERR. Fatbot stands at\nthe front of the float and waves to everyone. Farnsworth and\nAmy are on the float as well. Guenter leaps on and Farnsworth\npats him on the head.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Come on, everyone! Big party\nin Robot House!\n\n[The students cheer and start dancing to Lloyd Williams' Shout.\nAs they dance Animal House-esque subtitles appear under the main\ncharacters. \"Fry Dropped Out Successfully And Returned To His\nDead-End Delivery Job\" appears under Fry; \"Guenter Got His MBA\nAnd Became President Of The Fox Network\" appears under Guenter;\n\"Fatbot Caught A Computer Virus In Tijuana And Had To Be Rebooted\"\nunder Fatbot, \"Leela Went On One Date With Dean Vernon, But He\nNever Called Again\" under Leela and Vernon and finally \"His Job\nDone, Bender Stole Everything Of Value From Robot House And Ran\nOff\" under Bender.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-When-Aliens-Attack.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 203\n\n\"WHEN ALIENS ATTACK\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[A view of the WNYW television building in New York. The caption\n\"Earth: 1999\" appears on the bottom of the screen.]\n\n[Cut to: WNYW Corridor. Fry hums as he walks through the corridor\ncarrying a pizza box and a six pack of beer. He opens a door\nmarked \"WNYW Control Room\". Next to the door an \"On Air\" sign\nis lit up.]\n\n[Cut to: WNYW Control Room. He walks through the door. In the\nroom is a technician surrounded by broadcasting equipment.]\n\nFRY\nPizza delivery! Wow, so this is a real\nTV station, huh?\n\nTECHNICIAN\nWell, it's a Fox affiliate.\n\nFRY\nWhat are you showing right now?\n\n[The technician presses a button and a show's title appears on\nsome screens.]\n\nTECHNICIAN\nSingle Female Lawyer. It's the season\nfinale. Wanna watch?\n\nFRY\nAh, I dunno. That's a chick show. I\nprefer programmes of the genre \"world's\nblankiest blank\".\n\nTECHNICIAN\nShe is wearing the world's shortiest\nskirt.\n\nFRY\nI'm in!\n\n[He sits down and the technician tosses him a can of L\u00f6brau.\nOn the screen is a judge and the single female lawyer, who bears\nan uncanny resemblance to Calista Flockhart. In fact the entire\nshow is pretty much Ally McBeal.]\n\nJUDGE\nCounselor, I remind you that it's unethical\nto sleep with your client. If you really\ncare about the outcome of the case,\nyou should sleep with me.\n\nSINGLE FEMALE LAWYER\nYour Honour, it's bad enough to proposition\na single female lawyer in court, but\nthis is a unisex bathroom.\n\nJUDGE\nOverruled, counselor!\n\n[He grabs her and they kiss. A cubicle door opens and a stenographer\nappears with a machine.]\n\nSTENOGRAPHER\nCould you repeat that last part?\n\n[Fry yawns and stretches and knocks over a can of beer. The equipment\nfizzles, crackles and the screens turn to static.]\n\nTECHNICIAN\nOh, my God! You've knocked Fox of the\nair!\n\nFRY\nPfft! Like anyone on Earth cares.\n\n[In a pullback sequence lifted from Contact the WNYW transmitter\ntransmits the signal through the clouds, away from Earth, and\nout of the solar system to a planet called Omicron Persei 8 which\nintercepts the signal 1000 years later.]\n\n[Cut to: Omicronian Living Room. Two huge green aliens, Lrrr\nand Nd-Nd, watch Single Female Lawyer on their small oval TV.]\n\nSTENOGRAPHER\nCould you repeat that last par--\n\n[The picture cuts to static. Lrrr hits the TV with his fist.]\n\nLRRR\nThis is an outrage! I demand to know\nwhat happened to the plucky lawyer and\nher compellingly short garment.\n\n[The static on the TV changes to the Fox logo.]\n\nFOX ANNOUNCER\nDue to technical difficulties, we now\nbring you eight animated shows in a\nrow.\n\n[Lrrr growls and vaporises the TV with a laser.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Proudly Made On Earth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender lie back on the couch.\nFry is holding a can of Slurm and Bender a can of beer. Enter\nHermes.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat in the name of Bob Marley's ghost?\nGet to work, you lazy boat bag!\n\n[He rolls up the paper and hits Bender with it.]\n\nBENDER\nOw!\n\n[Fry chuckles. Hermes hits him.]\n\nFRY\nOw! Hey, quit it, Hermes. It's Labor\nDay.\n\nHERMES\nLabor Day? That phoney-baloney holiday\ncrammed down our throats by fat-cat\nunion gangsters?\n\nFRY\nThat's the one.\n\nHERMES\nHot damn, a day off!\n\n[He takes off his jacket and shirt and sits between Fry and Bender.\nBender hands him a beer. Enter the rest of the crew wearing and\ncarrying various things. Zoidberg is dressed in an old fashioned\ngreen striped swimsuit and is wearing a lobster rubber ring around\nhis waist; Amy is wearing a pink bikini and carrying a fold-up\nchair; Leela is wearing her green swimsuit with the hole around\nthe navel and is carrying a picnic bag; Farnsworth is carrying\na red parasol and wearing 3/4 length shorts, though he is still\nwearing his lab coat and slippers.]\n\nLEELA\nWho's up for one last summer beach trip?\n\n[Bender and Hermes leap up.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, yeah!\n\nHERMES\nReady Freddy!\n\n[He unzips his trousers and they fall around his ankles revealing\nhis swimming trunks underneath. Fry stays on the couch.]\n\nFRY\n(unenthusiastic) Eh, I think I'll just\nstay here.\n\nLEELA\nFry, you're wasting your life sitting\nin front of that TV. You need to get\nout and see the real world.\n\n[She walks between him and the TV. Fry peers around her.]\n\nFRY\nBut this is HDTV. It's got better resolution\nthan the real world!\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nEveryone's too polite to say anything\nbut you're covered with bed sores.\n\nFRY\nNot covered!\n\nLEELA\nJust get in the car.\n\n[Car. Leela drives the crew across the desert in a dark blue\nconvertible. With her in the front are Farnsworth and Fry. Fry\nhas taken off his red jacket and swapped it for red shorts. Amy,\nHermes and Zoidberg sit in the back and Bender lies across the\nthree of them.]\n\n[Monument Beach Car Park. Leela parks in the packed car park\nand the crew get out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, here we are: Monument Beach!\n\n[Fry gazes at the beach. People climb the Sphinx of Giza and\nalongside it is St Peter's Tower, the White House, Randy's Donuts,\nthe Heads of Easter Island, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and Mount\nRushmore.]\n\nFRY\nWait, Mount Rushmore and the Leaning\nTower of Pisa? I didn't know they were\nboth in New York!\n\n[Leela unpacks some things from the boot.]\n\nLEELA\nThey are now. In the 2600's New Yorkers\nelected a super-villain governor, and\nhe stole most of the world's monuments.\n\nBENDER\nTruly a great man. Look at him up there.\n\n[He looks up at the super-villain and whistles. The governor's\nhead has been carved into the mountain next to the other presidents'\nheads.]\n\n[Monument Beach. Leela lies on a sunbed and picks up a tube of\nTanning Butter from the arm. She squeezes some onto her legs\nand hums as she rubs it in. Zoidberg picks up a chunk of real\nbutter and rubs it across his head and groans. Hermes walks across\nin front of Zoidberg, Amy and Leela with a metal detector. It\nbeeps rapidly.]\n\nHERMES\nAha! Found you!\n\n[Bender's head pops up from the sand.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, now you go hide. Nice knowin' you.\n\n[He runs to a sunbed, picks up a drink and closes his eyes.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Zoidberg versus Amy and Leela in\na beach volleyball game. Amy passes to Leela and she bashes it\nover the net. It hits Farnsworth in the head and knocks him over.\nHe groans. The ball lands on Zoidberg's claw and bursts. He frowns\nand throws it into a pile of at least 20 other burst balls. Farnsworth\nstands up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCome on, Zoidberg, I passed it right\nto you.\n\n[Zoidberg scoffs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI've had it with this game! I'm going\nfor a scuttle!\n\n[He crouches down and scuttles into the water.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela is back on her sunbed and Bender is on his.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, everyone, come and get it!\n\n[He opens his door. He has turned his chest cabinet into a grill\nand there are four cooked burgers on a wire rack. He takes one\nout and puts it in a bun and hands it to Fry. Fry takes a bite.]\n\nFRY\nAh, just like my dad used to make ...\nuntil McDonald's fired him.\n\nBENDER\nBite my red-hot glowing ass. Wait a\nminute. Red-hot glowing ass? (calmly)\nI'll be right back! Ow ow ow ow ow\now ow ow ow! Aw, yeah!\n\n[Amy, Leela and Fry eat their burgers while Farnsworth sleeps.\nNibbler watches, licking his lips. Amy's burger slips out of\nthe roll and onto her chest. Nibbler leaps up.]\n\nAMY\nNo, Nibbler! (whispering) Psst, Professor,\nI need another bikini.\n\n[Farnsworth wakes up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEh ... wha? Oh, oh, OK, I think there's\none can left. Oh, my.\n\n[She sprays the straps on her back and turns around.]\n\nAMY\nThere. How do I look?\n\n[Farnsworth wiggles his glasses.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLike a cheap French harlot.\n\nAMY\nFrench?!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry finishes sculpting a sandcastle. A blonde guy\nstands over him and kicks the sandcastle in his face. Leela gasps\nand Fry spits the sand out. The guy turns to Leela.]\n\nBULLY\nSay, doll-face, how'd you like to make\ntime with a real man?\n\nLEELA\nNo. I'm not attracted to bullies. No\nmatter how big and ... ... handsome\nthey are.\n\nFRY\nIt's OK, Leela, go ahead. I got a lot\nof work to do.\n\nBULLY\nUh, sir, you don't understand. I'm a\nprofessional beach bully. I pretend\nto steal your girl, you punch me, I\ngo down, she swoons, you slip me 50\nbucks.\n\nFRY\n50 bucks?! Not even if she was my girlfriend.\nYou take her.\n\nLEELA\nFry! Although I suppose we could go\nfor a walk along the beach.\n\nBULLY\nUh, no thanks, ma'am, I'm actually gay.\n\n[He runs off and Leela sighs.]\n\n[Seabed. Zoidberg scuttles around the water and happens upon\na pile of eight fish skeletons. He starts slurping them.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh-oh. Help! Help! Bender, you gotta\nspring me. I'll never survive in here;\nI'm too pretty!\n\nBENDER\nAlright, alright, I'll bust you out.\nCheese it!\n\n[Then run off.]\n\n[Monument Beach. Fry finishes reconstructing his sandcastle.]\n\nFRY\nVoila. The greatest sandcastle ever\nbuilt. This is the kind of castle King\nArthur would have lived in -- If he\nwere a fiddler crab.\n\n[Leela and Farnsworth gather round.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's very nice. We should get a picture\nbefore the tide comes in.\n\n[Amy, Zoidberg and Bender arrive.]\n\nFRY\nOoh, yeah. Anyone have a camera?\n\nBENDER\nRight here, buddy. Wait, I wanna be\nin the picture too. Pretend you're\nhappy.\n\n[They smile.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYay!\n\n[The smiles fade when a huge shadow creeps over them. The camera\ngoes off as the crew look up and see a huge grey alien saucer\nflying low overhead. The centre of it starts to open up. Everyone\nwatches as it stops above the White House. The middle opens up\nand it blows up the White House \u00e0 la Independence Day. Everyone\nscreams.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, my God!\n\n[Hermes pokes his head up through the sand.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat in Babylon?\n\n[People flee as a fleet of saucers reduce the monuments to rubble\nand knock over the Leaning Tower of Pisa. A smaller saucer flies\npast the staff and destroys Fry's sandcastle. Fry falls to his\nknees and scoops up the sand.]\n\nFRY\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[Car. The crew return to New New York with alien saucers chasing\nthem.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The car does a 180-degree skid outside\nthe building and the crew run inside.]\n\nHERMES\nFaster!\n\n[A saucer blows up the car.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry peeps through the blinds\nand turns to the rest.]\n\nFRY\nWe're all gonna die, aren't we?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, I should think so. Although last\ntime aliens invaded all they did was\nforce the most intelligent of us to\npair off and mate continuously. (chuffed)\nOh, yes!\n\n[He sprays his throat. Bender turns on the TV to the news. Linda\npresents with a smile.]\n\nLINDA\nOnce again, today's winning lotto number\nwas 4. In other news, alien saucers\ncontinue to rain destruction upon Earth.\nWe now go live to an emergency address\nby Earth President McNeal.\n\n[A picture in the corner fills the screen. McNeal, a middle-aged\nman with brown hair and a croaky voice, addresses people from\ndifferent nations. A \"President McNeal\" caption is on the bottom\nof the screen.]\n\nMCNEAL\nLadies and gentlemen, our course is\nclear. The time has come to knuckle\nunder. To get down on all fours and\nreally lick boot. Give our alien masters\nwhatever they want a--\n\n[The TV cuts to static briefly then changes to Lrrr. His is now\nwearing a big red cape and is surrounded by several other Omicronians.\nHe speaks into an old-fashioned microphone.]\n\nLRRR\nPeople of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet\nOmicron Persei 8. Is this thing on?\nNow then: We want the one you call\n\"McNeal\". Give us McNeal or we will\nlay waste to your cities with our anti-monument\nlaser. We demand McNeal!\n\n[The picture cuts out then back to a totally flabbergasted McNeal.]\n\nMCNEAL\nUh, as I was saying ... ... mankind\nwould sooner perish than kowtow to outrageous\nalien demands for this McNeal ... whoever\nhe is. Am I right? And now, the man\nwho will lead us in our proud struggle\nfor freedom, fresh from his bloody triumph\nover the pacifists of the Gandhi Nebula,\n25-star General Zapp Brannigan!\n\n[He steps aside and Zapp takes the podium. The people cheer and\napplaud.]\n\nMAN\nYeah!\n\n[Fry applauds and Leela groans.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, look, Leela, it's that idiotic\nwindbag you slept with.\n\nLEELA\nThe Earth is under attack. Can't we\njust forget about that?\n\nBENDER\nEvidently not.\n\nZAPP\nCall me cocky, but if there's an alien\nout there I can't kill, I haven't met\nhim and killed him yet. But I can't\ngo it alone. That's why I'm ordering\nevery available ship to report for duty.\nAnyone without a ship should secure\na weapon and fire wildly into the air.\n\n[Leela stands up.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, you heard the windbag: We've been\ndrafted. Everyone into the ship.\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. I refuse\nto fight. I'm a conscientious objector.\n\nFRY\nA what?\n\nBENDER\nYou know, a coward.\n\nZAPP\nSince this is an emergency all robots\nwill now have their patriotism circuits\nactivated.\n\n[He holds up a remote control, points it at the camera and presses\nthe button. Bender's antenna top flashes red and beeps and he\nstands up.]\n\nBENDER\nIt is every robot's duty to give his\nlife for the good of humanity. Oh,\ncrap!\n\n[A fleet of ships, including a yellow school bus and the Planet\nExpress ship, fly away from Earth towards the hangar bay of the\norbiting Nimbus.]\n\n[Nimbus Hangar Bay. The ships are moored and Zapp gives the assembled\nrecruits a briefing. He walks down the ranks with Kif at his\nside.]\n\nZAPP\nWe're all from different cultures here.\nSome of you are white, some of you are\nblack. You're brown. And you're silver.\nBut I don't care if your skin's red\nor tan or Chinese. You're all going\nto have to learn to die together. Am\nI right, soldier?\n\nBENDER\nWell actually I-- Sir, yes sir! Sir!\n\nZAPP\nRemember, our mission is simple: Destroy\nall aliens!\n\n[Kif raises his hand.]\n\nKIF\nUm, uh, not me, sir.\n\nZAPP\nOh, yes, right. Nobody destroy Kif ...\n(quietly) unless you have to. (talking)\nOh ho ho! The luscious Captain Leela.\nThis is turning into one very sex-ay\nstruggle for the future of the human\nrace!\n\nLEELA\nThanks, but I'm not technically human.\n\nZAPP\nRight, right. Nobody destroy Leela either.\n\n[Nimbus Crew Bunkroom. The recruits are assembled around the\nbeds.]\n\nZAPP\nThe key to victory is discipline, and\nthat means a well-made bed. You will\npractise until you can make your bed\nin your sleep.\n\nFRY\nYou mean while I'm sleeping in it?\n\nZAPP\nYou won't have time for sleeping, soldier.\nNot with all the bed-making you'll be\ndoing.\n\n[Nimbus Briefing Room. The recruits are dressed in DOOP uniforms\nand Zapp briefs them \u00e0 la the briefing in Star Wars. He points\nat a display of an Omicronian saucer.]\n\nZAPP\nThe alien mothership is in orbit here.\nIf we can hit that bullseye the rest\nof the dominoes will fall like a house\nof cards. Checkmate. Now, like all\ngreat plans, my strategy is so simple\nan idiot could have devised it. On my\ncommand all ships will line up and file\ndirectly into the alien death cannons,\nclogging them with wreckage.\n\n[Fry raises his hand.]\n\nFRY\nW-Wouldn't it make more sense to send\nthe robots in first a--\n\n[Bender starts to choke him \u00e0 la Homer Simpson to Bart in The\nSimpsons. His antenna flashes again and he stops choking Fry\nand salutes.]\n\nBENDER\nSir, I volunteer for a suicide mission.\nAw, cut it out!\n\nZAPP\nYou're a brave robot, son. But when\nI'm in command every mission's a suicide\nmission. Which reminds me. Leela, perhaps\nbefore we head into battle you'd like\nto make love to me, in case one of us\ndoesn't come back.\n\nLEELA\nMaybe we should wait 'til afterwards,\nin case neither of us comes back.\n\nZAPP\nHere's hoping.\n\n[He salutes by tapping his heart, saluting from his head and\nblowing a kiss.]\n\n[The fleet flies around the moon towards the Omicronian mothership\n\u00e0 la the X-Wing approach in Star Wars.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry is at the controls wearing a\nhelmet that looks like Luke Skywalker's.]\n\nFRY\nI'm gonna be a science-fiction hero,\njust like Uhura, or Captain Janeway,\nor Xena!\n\n[Leela is on a small screen.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, this isn't TV, it's real life.\nCan't you tell the difference?\n\nFRY\nSure, I just like TV better.\n\n[He makes gunfire noises.]\n\n[The fleet attacks. Lasers fly in the Star Wars-esque battle.\nThe Omicronians fire back on the fleet and blows up two ships\nflanking the Planet Express ship. It peels away, narrowly avoiding\nanother laser beam.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela wrestles with the controls as alarms\nbeep and smoke pours from the ceiling. She brushes the hair out\nof her eye and looks across the room.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, damage report.\n\nBENDER\nThe auxiliary power's out, and they\nspilled my cocktail.\n\n[He looks at the tipped over glass lying on the computer and\nthe olive rolls off the edge.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry narrows his eyes.]\n\nFRY\nAlright, scumwads. This one's for Bender's\ncocktail!\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies straight towards the saucer and\nFry lets rip with 12 blasts from the laser. Leela turns the ship\naway and the Omicronian saucer creaks, groans and finally explodes\nin a spectacular fireball, complete with the obligatory flying\ntyre.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Laser Turret. Fry looks back at the explosion\nand cheers.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela stands up and waves her arms around.]\n\nLEELA\nWe did it! We won!\n\nBENDER\n(sadly) Yeah, but it'll never bring\nback my martini. (normal) Well, who\nwants a martini?\n\n[He takes a cocktail mixer out and shakes it.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry, Leela and Bender chink their glasses and raise\na toast. The communication screen comes down from the ceiling.]\n\nZAPP\nGood work, everyone. The mothership\nis destroyed.\n\n[Through the window they see several white dots filling the starfield.]\n\n[The dots form a circular shape outside and it flips over, revealing\nit to be another Omicronian saucer that is so huge it dwarfs\nthe Nimbus.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room.]\n\nZAPP\nWhat the hell is that thing?\n\nKIF\nIt appears to be the mothership.\n\nZAPP\nThen what did we just blow up?\n\n[Kif checks the screen beside him.]\n\nKIF\nThe Hubble Telescope.\n\n[The battle continues. The real mothership destroys more ships\nand a Slurm lorry.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp and Kif watch the battle\non screen.]\n\nZAPP\n(shouting) Stop exploding, you cowards!\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela drops her martini glass.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is hopeless. If we're gonna get\nblown to bits, we might as well do it\nin the comfort of our own home.\n\n[She pulls a lever on the seat.]\n\n[The ship jerks to a stop and reverses back towards Earth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth is talking to a woman, a\nman and a robot who bear a striking resemblance to Leela, Fry\nand Bender. The woman is blonde and has two eyes; the man has\nbrown hair that is combed down and he wears a green jacket; the\nrobot is very crude and clunky.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou'll be the captain, you'll be the\ndelivery boy, and you'll be the alcoholic,\nfoul-mouthed-- Oh, God, you're alive.\nI mean, thank God you're alive! Sorry,\ncheck back in three days, a week at\nthe most.\n\n[They leave and Lrrr crackles onto the TV.]\n\nLRRR\nWe want McNeal! Stop stalling!\n\n[The scene changes to the news studio.]\n\nLINDA\nAnd now a rebuttal from President McNeal.\n\n[McNeal addresses the same people as before. Zapp is back with\nthem.]\n\nMCNEAL\nThe people of Earth remain united in\nmy refusal to hand over myself. Total\nannihalation is a small price to pay\ncompared with--\n\n[Zapp steps forward and puts a sack over McNeal. As he drags\nhim away the people applaud and a man kicks the sack.]\n\n[Outside Capitol Building. An Omicronian saucer is parked at\nthe back of the building and there is a door at ground level.\nZapp puts the sack down, knocks and runs a few feet back.]\n\nZAPP\n(shouting) Here he is! Come and get\nhim!\n\n[The door opens and Lrrr and Nd-Nd are standing behind it. McNeal\nwriggles out of the sack and gasps.]\n\nLRRR\nYou are not McNeal.\n\nZAPP\n(simultaneously) Huh?\n\nMCNEAL\n(simultaneously) Huh?\n\nND-ND\nYou are not the one we want.\n\nMCNEAL\nOh, thank you. Thank you, glorious\nmasters! I--\n\n[Lrrr whips out a laser and vaporises McNeal. He crumbles into\na pile of smoking dust. Zapp squeals and takes a step back.]\n\nLRRR\nGive us McNeal!\n\nZAPP\nThat was McNeal.\n\nND-ND\nNo, McNeal: The single female lawyer.\n\nLRRR\nShe wears miniskirts and is promiscuous.\n\n[Zapp rubs his chin.]\n\nZAPP\n(sexfully) Really?\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The staff are watching on TV.]\n\nFRY\nMiniskirts? That sounds familiar.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Capitol Building.]\n\nLRRR\nSurely you know McNeal. She is an unmarried\nhuman female struggling to succeed in\na human male's world.\n\nZAPP\nMaybe that's just her excuse for being\nincompetent.\n\nLRRR\n(shouting) Silence! (talking) We will\naccept no more decoys. This is the\nMcNeal.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry stares at the headshot.]\n\nFRY\nWait, I know her.\n\nLEELA\nYou do not, you big fat liar. You don't\nknow anyone. All you do is watch TV.\n\nFRY\nThat's where I know her from. She's\nJenny McNeal. She was a character on\na TV show back in the 20th century,\nSingle Female Lawyer.\n\nBENDER\nWell if they're hoping to see a TV show\nthat hasn't existed for a thousand years,\npfft, they are royally boned.\n\nLRRR\nWe will raise your planet's temperature\nby one million degrees a day, for five\ndays, unless we see McNeal at 9pm tomorrow\n-- 8 central!\n\n[The staff gasp.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(disappointed) I'm beginning to think\nthere'll be no forced mating at all.\n\n[Lrrr and Nd-Nd's saucer hovers above New New York.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The entire staff are assembled\naround the table. Leela paces around.]\n\nLEELA\nThey're going to destroy the entire\nEarth if they don't see some stupid\nTV show about some bimbo lawyer?\n\nFRY\nIt's crazy! How could they even know\nabout a show from a thousand years ago?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, Omicron Persei 8 is about a thousand\nlight years away. So the electro-magnetic\nwaves would just recently have gotten\nthere. You see--\n\nFRY\nMagic. Got it.\n\n[Amy types \"single female lawyer\" into a search engine and a\npage pops up.]\n\nAMY\nCheck this out: Back in 1999 the season\nfinale of Single Female Lawyer was interrupted\nby technical problems. Apparently some\nzidiot spilled Coke on the transmitter.\n\nFRY\nBeer -- I would think.\n\nBENDER\nThey must just wanna see that episode.\nLet's find a tape and give it to 'em.\n\n[Amy searches some more.]\n\nAMY\nThere aren't any copies left.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, there wouldn't be. Most videotapes\nfrom that era were damaged in 2443 during\nthe Second Coming of Jesus.\n\nFRY\nY'know, I saw the first 30 seconds of\nthat episode. If I could make up an\nending, maybe we could act it out ourselves.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI could make the costumes.\n\n[He cuts some material with his claw.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI have an old five-megawatt broadcasting\ntower in the attic.\n\nBENDER\n(dramatically) And I, I could be an\nacting coach!\n\n[He whizzes his hand around.]\n\nFRY\nLet's put on a show.\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The ship has been moved to make way\nfor a courtroom set. Hermes and Farnsworth makes some last minute\nperfections to the set, Bender arranges things on the defendant's\ntable and Zoidberg wheels a clothes rail loaded with frilly things\npast Fry, Leela and Amy. Fry is sat on a chair with the script.]\n\nFRY\nOK, Leela, you'll be starring as Jenny--\n\nLEELA\nUh-uh, forget it. A: I'm camera shy,\nand B: I get tongue tied in front of\nan audience armed with death rays.\n\nAMY\nPlus, you don't really have the thighs\nfor a miniskirt.\n\nLEELA\nGimme the script.\n\n[She snatches it from Fry.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Roof. Farnsworth leans through a hatch\nand hooks up a satellite dish and points it at the nearby saucer.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr climbs a ladder up to\nthe roof and jabs an aerial into it.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. On the courtroom set Fry calls for his\ncast.]\n\nFRY\nPlaces, everyone.\n\n[Amy puts the finishing touches to Leela's make-up. She is dressed\nin a green suit and high heels.]\n\nAMY\nOK ... all set!\n\n[Leela turns around. Amy has attached a googly eye to the side\nof Leela's face. She flicks the pupil and it rolls around.]\n\nFRY\nLights! Camera one! Camera two! Camera\nthree!\n\n[Something whirrs in Bender's head but nothing else moves.]\n\n[Omicronian Saucer. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit in recliners in front\nof a TV screen with six other Omicronians sat around them.]\n\nLRRR\nPrepare the water cooler, that we may\ngather around it later and discuss things.\n\n[He pulls the recliner lever and flicks the TV on. Bender holds\nup a crude sign with \"Single Female Lawyer\" written on it and\nsings.]\n\nFighting for her client,\n\n[He swaps the sign to one that says \"Written and Directed by\nFry.\"]\n\nWearing sexy miniskirts...\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...And being self-reliant.\n\n(talking) Hey I'm pretty good!\n\n[He takes the sign away and the episode begins. Farnsworth is\nthe judge, Zoidberg is the prosecutor and Leela is the defendant.\nFarnsworth and Leela are holding their scripts.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, (reading) Jenny McNeal, you are\ncharged with jury-tampering in last\nweek's case ... ... on account of your\nhot, naked affair with the foreman.\nHow do you plead?\n\n[Leela stands up and looks at her script.]\n\nLEELA\nYour Honour, I move for a mistrial,\non the grounds that I'm also having\na hot, naked affair with the foreman\nof this jury.\n\n[Amy and Hermes sit in the jury box with 10 cardboard people.\nHermes waves.]\n\nHERMES\n(sexfully) I'll see you during the recess!\n\n[Cut to: Omicronian Saucer.]\n\nLRRR\nIf McNeal wishes to be taken seriously\nwhy does she not simply tear the judge's\nhead off?\n\nND-ND\nIt is true what they say; \"Women are\nfrom Omicron Persei 7, men are from\nOmicron Persei 9\".\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(reading) Your witness, Prosecutor Ramirez.\n\nZOIDBERG\nGracias. Single Female Lawyer, where\nwere you on the night of August 23rd?\n\nLEELA\nSleeping with you.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAha!\n\n[He jabs his claw in her fake eye and pulls it off her face.\nHe sniffs it and eats it. Leela leafs through the script in a\npanic.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, g-- uh, getting back to the, uh,\nmatter, uh-uh, if it please the court\n... (whispering) Fry, there's nothing\nelse here. You only wrote two pages\nof dialogue.\n\nFRY\nWell, it took an hour to write. I thought\nit would take an hour to read.\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat are we supposed to do now?\n\nFRY\nI don't know, I don't know. Just say\nanything. As long as it's compelling,\nmesmerising, a tour de force.\n\nLEELA\nUh...\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(reading) What say you, Single Female\nLawyer?\n\nLEELA\nI say ... I'm giving up the law. And\nI'm giving up being single. Your Honour,\nwill you marry me?\n\n[Amy and Hermes gasp. Bender makes dramatic incidental music\nnoises. Fry buries his face in his hands.]\n\nFRY\nNo, no! Go to commercial!\n\n[Bender puts the Single Female Lawyer card in front of the camera.]\n\nBENDER\nWe'll be back after this word from Crazy\nBender's Discount Stereo.\n\n[He retracts his eye.]\n\nFRY\nMarried? Jenny can't get married.\n\nLEELA\nWhy not? It's clever, it's unexpected.\n\nFRY\nBut that's not why people watch TV.\nClever things make people feel stupid,\nand unexpected things make them feel\nscared.\n\n[Lrrr crackles onto the screen.]\n\nLRRR [ON TV]\nAttention, McNeal. Your unexpected marriage\nplan scares us. You stole our hearts\nas a single female lawyer, and so shall\nyou remain -- or else!\n\nFRY\nYou see? TV audiences don't want anything\noriginal. They wanna see the same thing\nthey've seen a thousand times before.\n\nBENDER\n(\u00e0 la Arnold Jackson) Whatchoo talkin'\n'bout, Fry?\n\nFRY\nTrust me on this. While other people\nwere out living their lives, I wasted\nmine watching TV, because deep down\nI knew it might one day help me save\nthe world. Plus, I would have lost my\nWorkman's Comp if I hadd gone outside.\nNow just read these cue cards.\n\n[He scrawls something on some big cards with a black marker.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The cast take their places. Fry holds up the cue\ncards.]\n\nFRY\nAnd action!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(reading) Miss McNeal, I'm afraid I\nmust decline your offer of marriage.\nFor, you see, I'm dying. Cough, then\nfall over dead.\n\n[He smiles and just stares ahead.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(reading; unmoved) My God, he's dead.\n\n[Farnsworth checks his pulse.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) I will now make my closing\nstatement. With my fianc\u00e9 deceased ...\n... I hereby return to my single female\nlawyer career. No matter what any man\nsays.\n\nHERMES\nWe find the defendant vulnerable yet\nspunky!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(cheering) Hooray!\n\nAMY\n(cheering) Hooray!\n\nFRY\nAnd ... cut!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Single Female Lawyer,\n\nHaving lot's of sex--\n\n(talking) Huh?\n\n[Lrrr cuts onto the TV. Nd-Nd drinks from the water cooler behind\nhim.]\n\nLRRR [ON TV]\nAttention, McNeal. We are reasonably\nsatisfied with the events we have seen.\nOverall I would rate it a C+, OK, not\ngreat. As a result, we will not destroy\nyour planet. But neither will we provide\nyou with our recipe for immortality.\n\nFRY\nWay to overact,Zoidberg!\n\nLRRR [ON TV]\nAnd now we must return to our planet,\nto catch the end of a thousand-year-old\nLeno monologue.\n\n[He sweeps his cape over him and runs offscreen.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. The Omicronian saucers fly away and people come\nout from hiding. A white man hugs a black man, a Jew hugs an\nArab and a clown hugs a nun.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch and cheer.]\n\nBENDER\nYou did it, Fry!\n\nFRY\nYep. It was just a matter of knowing\nthe secret of all TV shows; At the end\nof the episode, everything's always\nright back to normal.\n\n[Pullback: New New York is a burning ruin. There is a crashed\nship in the river and the flaming arm of the Statue Of Liberty\ncrumbles away.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Fry-And-The-Slurm-Factory.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 204\n\n\"FRY AND THE SLURM FACTORY\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Late at night Fry and Bender sit on\nthe couch. The are four Slurm cans on the coffee table. Fry drinks\nfrom another one and they watch All My Circuits on the TV. Calculon\nopens the door to his bedroom.]\n\nCALCULON\nHoney unit, I'm home. Monique!\n\n[Monique is in bed with Boxy. She pulls the sheets up around\nher.]\n\nMONIQUE\nCalculon!\n\n[Boxy beeps.]\n\nCALCULON\nOh, how I wish I could believe that.\nYou may be my evil half-brother, but\nthere's no law against murdering the\nother half.\n\n[The screen changes to the All My Circuits logo.]\n\nANNOUNCER #1\nAll My Circuits will be right back\nafter this word from...\n\n[The screen changes to an advert.]\n\nANNOUNCER #2\n... Slurm! It's highly addictive!\n\n[A hand takes a can of Slurm off the screen. The hand belongs\nto a surfing slug. Two babes on a beach watch him.]\n\nBABE\nLook! It's Slurms MacKenzie!\n\nDIXIE\nHe's the original party worm!\n\n[Slurms surfs onto the beach between the girls and they stroke\nhim.]\n\nSLURMS\nWhimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Let's party!\n\n[He and the babes dance on the beach and are joined by other\ndancing people. They all drink cans of Slurm.]\n\nBENDER\nLook at that worm go. Who says there\nare no more heroes?\n\n[On the TV Slurms surfs with the two babes.]\n\nSLURMS\nHey, dudes, you can win a chance to\nparty with me, Slurms MacKenzie, at\nthe Slurm bottling plant on planet Wormulon!\n\n[A still picture of Slurms playing a guitar with the babes and\na crate of Slurm appears on the screen with the words \"Win A\nTrip.\"]\n\nANNOUNCER #2\nJust look for the winning bottle-cap\ninside specially-marked cans of Slurm.\n\n[Back on the board the babe shakes something out of her Slurm\ncan and shows it to the camera. It is a bottle-cap with \"You\nWin!\" printed on it. She gasps.]\n\nBABE\nI won!\n\n[Disclaimers appear on the screen. \"Slurm Has Been Found To Cause\nCancer In Laboratory Humans\", \"Employees Of Slurm Corp. And Their\nFamilies Are Eligible To Enter And Will Probably Win\" and \"The\nfollowing species are ineligible: Space wasps, space beavers,\nany other animal with the word 'Space' in front of it, space\nchickens and the elusive yak-face\" in alien language #1.]\n\nSLURM ANNOUNCER #2\nNo purchase necessary unless you wish\nto enter the contest. Odds of winning\nmathematically insignificant.\n\nFRY\nI like those odds. Rats. Just another\ntooth. Aah!\n\n[He smiles a big toothless smile.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Live From Omicron Persei 8.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table\nwatching Fry guzzle down another can of Slurm. Fry shakes the\ncan upside-down and looks inside. \"You're A Loser\" is printed\non the bottom. He groans.]\n\nFRY\nI gotta find that golden bottle-cap.\n\n[He throws the can behind him, opens another one and starts drinking\nit.]\n\nLEELA\nI've never seen anyone so addicted to\nSlurm.\n\nFRY\nThis is nothing. Back in high school\nI used to drink a hundred cans of cola\na week. Right up until my third heart\nattack.\n\n[The door opens and Bender stands in the doorway clutching his\ndoor and groaning. His antenna is wilted and he is a slightly\nredder colour.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, what's wrong?\n\nBENDER\nI'm sick.\n\n[He sneezes and his eyes pop out and back in again.]\n\nLEELA\nYou poor baby. Let me check if you have\na fever. Ow!\n\n[Farnsworth opens Bender's door with his lab coat acting as a\nglove.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAccording to Bender's temperature gauge,\nwhich I suggest you use next time, Leela,\nhe's running a fever of ... 900 degrees.\n\n[He closes the door and Bender groans. Hermes fluffs a cushion\non a couch in the corner.]\n\nHERMES\nBender, mon, lie yourself down. You're\npayin' for that!\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Bender sits on the examination\ntable and the rest of the staff gather around.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'll have a look, but I remind you,\nI'm an expert on humans not robots.\n\n[He shines a torch into Fry's eye.]\n\nFRY\nI'm not Bender, I'm Fry.\n\nZOIDBERG\nReally? I though you were the robot.\n\nFRY\nNope. Human.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlright, alright, spare me your life\nstory. Now what seems to be the trouble?\n\nBENDER\nMy tummy hurts and I've been having\nthis burning electrical discharge.\n\n[Zoidberg runs a stethescope across Bender's casing.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHmm. Don't worry, you'll be fine. (muttering)\nOh boy. (quietly) I didn't have the\nheart to tell him: It's fin fungus.\nHe'll be floating upside-down by morning.\n\n[He walks off tutting. Amy turns to Bender.]\n\nAMY\nYou should try homeopathic medicine,\nBender. Take some zinc.\n\nBENDER\nI'm 40% zinc.\n\nAMY\nThen take some Echinaea or a St. John's\nwort.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOr a big fat placebo. It's all the same\ncrap.\n\n[Bender coughs and a sound comes from his chest cabinet.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, what's rattling around in there?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt may well be the cause of Bender's\nillness. But more importantly, it's\na flimsy pretext to try out my latest\ninvention. To the laboratory!\n\n[He shuffles off very slowly and the rest quickly pass him.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth holds up a torch-like\nobject to the rest of the crew.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI call this the F-ray. It's like an\nX-ray only it allows you to see through\nanything - even metal. Now, the neutrino\nbeam it emits is a tad dangerous, so\nyou'll all need protective goggles.\nYou may feel a slight stinging sensation\n- all of you-- All of you! Aha! There's\nthe cause of your illness.\n\n[Amy looks.]\n\nAMY\nHey, that's my watch!\n\nBENDER\nI was wondering where I put that. Hey,\nnow I feel much better! Thanks, Professor.\nAnd, Amy, I'm sorry I took your watch.\n\n[She smiles and hugs him. Bender steals her earrings and chuckles.\nShe moves away and he tosses the earrings down his throat and\ncoughs. Fry and Bender stay with Farnsworth while the others\nleave. Farnsworth takes off his suit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, I've got to go take this suit\nto the decontaminators. You two lock\nup the F-ray and for the love of God\ndon't let it fall into the wrong hands.\n\n[He hands it to them. They look at each other and chuckle.]\n\n[New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk down the busy\nstreet with the F-ray. Bender holds it up.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat should we point it at first?\n\nFRY\nI 'unno. Try it on me. Ow! My sperm!\n\nBENDER\nWow, neat! Mind if I try that again?\n\n[He points it at Fry's crotch again but nothing happens.]\n\nFRY\nHuh, didn't hurt that time.\n\n[Bender watches a Fembot walk past.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, mama! Hold still, sexy lady.\n\n[He points the F-ray at her and gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nBENDER\nThat's no lady!\n\n\"FEMBOT\"\nDamn chico, one more upgrade and I'll\nbe more lady than you can handle! Why\nyou so stupid, stupid?\n\nBENDER\nHey, bite my shiny metal ass!\n\n\"FEMBOT\"\nYou couldn't afford it, honey.\n\n[It snaps it's fingers and walks off.]\n\n[7^11. Outside the convenience store some people queue outside\na suicide booth and a sign advertises the shop as being \"Open\n28 Hours\". Inside Bender and Fry use the F-ray to look inside\nproducts such as Mom's Friendly Robot Oil, Bachelor Chow, Robo\nFresh, Tanning Butter, Mr Baked Beans and Glagnar's Human Rinds.\nFry groans.]\n\nFRY\nAll this prolonged exposure to radiation\nis making me thirsty. Ah, if only there\nwas some way of knowing which can had\nthe winning bottle-cap inside.\n\n[Bender stops pointing the F-ray at some Hot Logs and turns to\nFry.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh, w-what? I didn't hear you. I was\ntoo busy using this F-ray to look inside\nof things.\n\nFRY\nWait a second. I'm getting an idea.\nN-No, false alarm. No. Yeah. No. Yeah.\nNo. Wait. No. Yeah. Yeah. No ... no.\nYes!\n\n[Montage Fry points the F-ray at the stack of Slurm cans and\nshakes his head in disappointment. In the street, Bender takes\na can of Slurm from a small boy with a red balloon. The boy cries,\nBender points the F-ray at the can and hands it back to the boy\nwhen he sees there is nothing inside. The boy stops crying. Bender\npoints the F-ray at the balloon and it bursts and the boy cries\nagain. Fry points the F-ray at a Slurm dispenser but there is\nno winning cap inside. Bender extends his arm into the coin tray\nand takes a handful of coins. Back in the street Bender points\nthe F-ray at a Slurm blimp. It explodes and he and Fry run away.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Farnsworth sit at the table\nplaying 3D Scrabble, a version of 3D Chess from Star Trek. On\nthe top level are the words \"ONE\" and \"EYE\"; On the second row\nis \"MATT\" and \"AREA\"; On the third is \"POOP\" and \"ONLY\" and on\nthe fourth is \"DONUT,\" \"ONE\" and \"EMU\". The letters on Farnsworth's\nrack spell \"FUUTAMA\". The door opens and Bender slams the F-ray\nonto the table, upsetting the letters.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, this thing stinks.\n\nFRY\nWe checked 90,000 cans of Slurm and\nall we won was this junk. I never wanna\nsee another can of Slurm again. Man,\nam I thirsty.\n\n[He walks over to the fridge and takes out a refreshing can of\nSlurm. He starts guzzling it back and suddenly starts to cough\nand choke.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, are you alright?\n\n[Bender picks up the F-ray and points it at Fry's neck. A Slurm\nbottle-cap with \"You Win\" written on it is lodged in his throat.]\n\nBENDER\nYou did it, Fry! You found the winning\nbottle-cap! We won!\n\n[Fry cheers and wheezes.]\n\nFRY\n(wheezy) Hooray!\n\n[He faints.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies towards the Slurm planet. The\nplanet has a ring and the \"Slurm\" logo is painted on it. The\nship disappears into the atmosphere.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Slurm Factory. The ship descends from the clouds,\nthe landing gear comes down and it lands outside the Slurm factory\nwhich bears an uncanny resemblance to the Wonka factory in Willy\nWonka And The Chocolate Factory. A banner reading \"Welcome Contest\nWinners!\" has been hung above the gates. Fry, Bender, Leela,\nAmy and the rest of the staff walk out of the ship down the steps.]\n\nLEELA\nOoh, look at that!\n\nBENDER\nHey!\n\n[Outside the gates are four worms. Two of them play a fanfare\nand the gates open. A path leads from the gates up to a building.\nOn the steps of the building two worms roll out a red carpet.\nThe end of the carpet reaches the gates and a worm dressed like\nGene Wilder in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory pops out.]\n\nGLURMO\nWelcome to the planet Wormulon. I'm\nGlurmo, your golly-rific guide to the\nsplend-tacular Slurm factory.\n\nFRY\nUh-huh. Can we have our free Slurm now?\n\nGLURMO\nYou'll have all the Slurm you can drink\nlater on when you're partying with my\ngood friend Slurms MacKenzie.\n\n[He moves aside and behind him is Slurms and the babes. Slurms'\nparty music plays.]\n\nSLURMS\nAlright! Whimmy-wham-wham-wazzle! Lay\nsome skin on me, dudes!\n\n[Fry and Bender do. Some worm slime comes off on Fry's hand.]\n\nBENDER\nWow! The original party worm! Are you\nready to get down, get funky with us?\n\nGLURMO\nHe'd better be, that's what we pay him\nfor. Right, Slurms?\n\n[Slurms cringes and starts waving his arms around.]\n\nSLURMS\nRight!\n\nGLURMO\nIn fact, Slurms has to party all night,\nevery night - or he's fired!\n\nSLURMS\n(tired) Rock on!\n\nGLURMO\nBut before the party, you're all in\nfor a fun-derful treat: A VIP tour of\nthe Slurm factory!\n\n[He slides back through the gates and the staff follow.]\n\nSLURMS\nEnjoy the tour, dudes! I'm gonna go\nlie down.\n\n[Slurm Factory Entrance. Glurmo and the staff are gathered in\nthe dim room.]\n\nGLURMO\nWelcome, my friends, to the wondrous\nworld of whimsy that we like to call\n\"Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication\nUnit\".\n\n[Behind him some worms open some doors.]\n\n[Cut to: Slurms Centralised Industrial Fabrication Unit. The\ncrew walk through the door and gasp. The room looks like the\nhuge room in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. Slurm cans\ngrow on trees and a river of Slurm flows down the middle.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my!\n\nBENDER\nLook! Flowers! And a boat!\n\n[The boat is a small paddle boat. The crew walk to the river\nbank and are about to get on the boat when they see some small\ncreatures across the river carrying barrels of Slurm. They have\norange faces and green hair and look like the Oompa-Loompas from\nWilly Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. They wave.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWho are those horrible orange creatures\nover there?\n\nGLURMO\nWhy those are the Grunka Lunkas. They\nwork here in the Slurm factory.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTell them I hate them.\n\n[Time Lapse. The staff and Glurmo are now on the boat and it\nsails down the green river.]\n\nGLURMO\nAs we sail down the river of Slurm you'll\nsee our mix-ologists at work. They\ntake 900 of the finest ingredients,\nadd a touch of child-like delight and\nmix it all with glacial spring water\nfrom our glacial spring water generator.\nThen, last of all, we add the secret\ningredient that makes Slurm so deliciously\naddictive.\n\n[A Grunka Lunka tips up a barrel labelled \"Secret Ingredient\"\ninto a cauldron of Slurm ingredients but another pulls a curtain\nacross before anyone can see anything.]\n\nFRY\nSo, what's the secret ingredient?\n\nGLURMO\nIt's whatever your imagination wants\nit to be.\n\nFRY\nOh. But what is it really?\n\nGLURMO\n(sternly) That's not for you to know.\n(normal) Now, over here the Grunka Lunkas\nare inducing Wumpus berries to release\ntheir flavour, using sensual massage.\n\n[He points to some Grunka Lunkas who rub piles of purple berries.]\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) Psst, those berries. Those\nare the secret ingredient, right?\n\nGLURMO\nNo.\n\nBENDER\nYou positive?\n\nGLURMO\nYes.\n\nBENDER\nI'm just asking cause they look kind\nof secret.\n\nGLURMO\nEnough! There will be no further questions.\n\n[Fry raises his hand.]\n\nFRY\nWhy?\n\n[Leela points across him.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, look! The disgusting little men\nare starting to sing.\n\n[On the river bank six Grunka Lunkas line up and dance and sing.]\n\nGRUNKA LUNKAS\n(singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity-do,\n\nWe've got a friendly warning for you,\n\nGrunka Lunka dunkity-dasis,\n\nThe secret of Slurm's on a need-to-know basis.\n\nGRUNKA LUNKA #1\n(singing) Asking questions in school\nis a great way to learn ...\n\nGRUNKA LUNKA #2\n(singing) ... If you try that stuff\nhere you might get your legs broke.\n\nGRUNKA LUNKA #1\n(singing) We once found a dead guy face\ndown in the Slurm ...\n\nGRUNKA LUNKA #2\n(singing) ... It could easily happen\nagain to you folks.\n\nGRUNKA LUNKAS\n(singing) So keep you head down,\n\nAnd keep your mouth shut,\n\nGrunka Lunka lunka dunkity dot!\n\n[Glurmo leans over the side of the boat and waves his cane.]\n\nGLERMO\n(shouting) Hey, I don't pay you to sing!\nYou just used up today's bathroom break!\n\n[The boat disappears into a tunnel.]\n\nGRUNKA LUNKA #2\nHard ass.\n\nGLURMO\nI heard that!\n\n[The Grunka Lunka whimpers and runs away.]\n\n[Slurm Factory Tunnel. The tunnel is lined with huge barrels\nof Slurm.]\n\nGLURMO\nNow on your right, you'll see the Slurm\nMaster checking the Slurm for colour\nand bouquet.\n\n[An old worm with a long, white beard holds a glass of Slurm.\nFry watches and licks his lips.]\n\nFRY\nSo thirsty.\n\nGLURMO\nThen he tastes it. He tastes it and\ntastes it, then tastes it some more.\n\nFRY\nUh, could I have some Slurm, please?\n\nGLURMO\nNo food or drink allowed on the tour.\nYou'll have to wait until you're partying\nwith Slurms MacKenzie.\n\nFRY\nWhen will that be?\n\nGLURMO\nSoon enough.\n\nFRY\nThat's not soon enough.\n\nLEELA\nHey, what's behind that door?\n\n[She points at a door with a \"Keep Out\" sign on it. It is guarded\nby two worms.]\n\nGLURMO\nNothing.\n\nLEELA\nIs it the secret ingredient?\n\n[Five Grunka Lunkas dance across in front of the door.]\n\nGRUNKA LUNKAS\n(singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity dingredient,\n\nYou should not ask about the secret ingredient.\n\nBENDER\nOK, OK, we get the point.\n\nLEELA\nI was just curious because of the armed\nguards.\n\nGRUNKA LUNKAS\n(singing) Grunka Lunka dunkity darmed\nguards--\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Shut the hell up!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry sneaks to the back of the boat while Glurmo\ntalks to Hermes.]\n\nHERMES\nSo you're telling me I could fire my\nwhole staff and hire Grunka Lunkas at\nhalf the cost?\n\nGLURMO\nThat's right. They think they have a\ngood union but they don't. (whispering)\nThey're basically slaves.\n\n[Fry leans over the back of the boat but can't quite reach the\nSlurm.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you doing?\n\nFRY\nI'm dying of thirst. Grab my feet and\ndunk my head in so I can drink.\n\nLEELA\nNo. That's moronic.\n\nFRY\nFine. I'll let go and swim around in\nthe Slurm and drink as much as I want.\nHelp! I can't swim!\n\n[He disappears under the water and Leela sighs and dives in after\nhim. Underwater, she swims towards Fry and pulls him back towards\nthe surface by his hair. She comes up gasping for air, followed\nby a gasping Fry, followed by Bender who whistles.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, why did you jump in?\n\nBENDER\nEverybody was doing it. I just wanted\nto be popular.\n\n[A whirlpool sucks them underwater and they scream. They are\npulled through a hole in the bottom of the Slurm river.]\n\n[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. The trio fly out of a pipe and land on\na grate. Slurm pours out of the pipe and into the grate.]\n\nBENDER\nOw!\n\nLEELA\nWhere are we?\n\nBENDER\nAnd why is the Slurm pouring into this\nsewer?\n\n[Fry wrings some Slurm from his hair into his mouth and spits\nit straight out.]\n\nFRY\nThis isn't Slurm at all!\n\nLEELA\nSomething's rotten on the planet Wormulon.\nLook at this.\n\n[On the other side of the cave are two doors. One marked \"Real\nFactory\" and the other marked \"Fake Factory\".]\n\n[Cut to: Slurm Factory Tunnel. Leela quietly opens the fake factory\ndoor and they peer around it. It is the door from earlier that\nwas marked \"Keep Out\". On the other side one of the worm guards\nsmokes while another knits. A Grunka Lunka sleeps and two others\nplay poker.]\n\n[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. She closes it again.]\n\nLEELA\nThis all must have something to do with\nthe secret ingredient.\n\nFRY\nMy God. What if the secret ingredient\n... is people?\n\nLEELA\nNo. There's already a soda like that:\nSoylent Cola.\n\nFRY\nOh. How is it?\n\nLEELA\nIt varies from person to person.\n\n[Slurme Shoppe. In the gift shop the rest of the staff browse\nthe Slurm merchandise available. Amy looks at some worm keyrings\nwhile Farnsworth looks at an Enjoy Slurm towel.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOoh!\n\n[On the other side of the shop Glurmo watches Hermes look at\nsome worm mugs and Slurm T-shirts. He is already wearing a worm\nblernsball cap. The T-shirt sizes range from S to M to L and\nalso Mutant which has four arms. Hermes leaves with his two-armed\nT-shirt and Zoidberg inquires about a two-armed Hebrew Slurm\nT-shirt he is wearing.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDo you have any that aren't so tight\naround the thorax?\n\nGLURMO\nYes, over in-- Say, weren't there more\npeople in your group at the start of\nthe tour?\n\nAMY\nHey, yeah. Fry, Leela and Bender are\nmissing.\n\n[Glurmo narrows his eyes.]\n\nGLURMO\nIf you'll excuse me.\n\n[He slides out, leaving a trail of slime behind him. Amy turns\naround with a box of Slurm glasses and slips on the slime and\nfalls over and screams. The glasses smash.]\n\n[Wormulon Cave. Leela, Fry and Bender creep down the dark tunnels.\nThey see torchlight up ahead. Bender gasps.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Quick.\n\n[They duck behind a rock. Two guards slide along the roof of\nthe cave with a torch and laser. They pass them without seeing\nthem and Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]\n\nFRY\nLook! Slurm! Finally! Oh, yeah! I'm\nnever going 12 minutes without a Slurm\nagain.\n\nLEELA\nIt's the end of the line. This must\nbe where they put in the secret ingredient.\n\n[Behind her is a door marked \"Slurm Production Chamber\".]\n\nFRY\nWell, whatever it is, it's even better\nfresh. Mmm, still warm.\n\n[Leela opens the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Slurm Production Chamber. They walk in and gasp. In\nthe middle of the room is a huge worm wearing a crown and scoffing\nhandfuls of Wumpus berries. Some worms massage the middle of\nher body and the secret ingredient comes out the other end of\nher and into Slurm cans.]\n\nFRY\nEw!\n\nLEELA\nBlech!\n\nBENDER\nOh, Lordy!\n\n[Fry gulps back some more Slurm.]\n\nLEELA\nFry! Fry!\n\n[He spits it out again and they watch the Slurm Queen producing\nthe drink.]\n\nFRY\nThat's the secret ingredient of Slurm?\n\nLEELA\nThat's the only ingredient of Slurm.\n\nFRY\nEw!\n\n[He consoles himself by drinking from the can again. Leela knocks\nit out of his hand and the Slurm Queen turns around and roars.\nShe hits them with her back end and they duck out of the way.\nShe takes another swipe at Leela and she jumps out the way to\nFry and Bender. The Slurm Queen takes another swing and they\nrun out the door screaming. Fry runs back in to pick up the can\nof Slurm but the Slurm Queen knocks it out of his hands. He groans\nand runs out again.]\n\n[Cut to: Wormulon Cave. The three run around a corner and guards\nfire their lasers at them. They come to a ravine and nearly fall\ninto it.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll save us! Oh, that feels good!\n\n[They reach the other side and Bender retracts his arms and legs.]\n\nFRY\nThanks, Bender!\n\n[Bender coughs and Fry and Leela reluctantly hand him some cash.]\n\n[Time Lapse. They run around another corner.]\n\nLEELA\nThe exit! We made it.\n\n[Cut to: Slurm Production Chamber. The \"exit\" leads back to where\nthey began.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, your majesty, I brought the prisoners.\n\n[Fry and Leela turn their heads towards him and Fry smiles. Glurmo\nappears from behind the Slurm Queen.]\n\nGLURMO\nWell, my curious friends, you learned\nthe secret of Slurm. That concludes\nthe portion of the tour where you stay\nalive.\n\nLEELA\nYou wish, you slimy worm! Heyya!\n\n[She karate chops Glurmo's head off. The decapitated head grows\na body and the body grows a head, forming two Glurmos. A guard\nhands the new head a hat. The Glurmos pin Leela to the floor.\nGuards point lasers at Fry and Bender's backs. Bender groans.]\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nGood work, Glurmo. You have pleased\nyour queen.\n\nSMALL GLURMO #2\nThank you, your majesty.\n\nSMALL GLURMO #1\nThanks, ma'am.\n\nLEELA\nHow can you trick people into drinking\nsomething that comes out of your behind?\nIt's disgusting.\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nIs it? Honey comes from a bee's behind.\nMilk comes from a cow's behind. And\nhave you ever used toothpaste?\n\nFRY\nWho's behind does that come from?\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nYou don't wanna know.\n\nBENDER\nLook, we just came to party with Slurms\nMacKenzie. By the way, when is that\nscheduled?\n\nSLURM QUEEN\n(shouting) Never! To the torture cave!\n\n[Torture Cave. Bender has been tied to a conveyor belt. It moves\ntowards a machine which converts metal into Slurm cans.]\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nYou, my metal friend, will have the\nhonour of becoming 174 Slurm cans.\n\nBENDER\nAh, this trip is turning into a big\nletdown.\n\n[Leela is raised in a harness and suspended over a vat of purple\ngoo. The Glurmos stand by a control unit.]\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nAs for you, you will be submerged in\nRoyal Slurm which, in a matter of minutes,\nwill transform you into a Slurm Queen\nlike myself.\n\nSMALL GLURMO #1\nBut, your highness, she's a commoner.\nHer Slurm will taste foul.\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nYes! Which is why we'll market it as\nNew Slurm. Then, when everyone hates\nit, we'll bring back Slurm Classic,\nand make billions!\n\n[She and the Glurmos laugh. Small Glurmo #1 pushes a lever down\nand Leela is lowered into the purple Slurm. Fry watches.]\n\nFRY\nWhat about me?\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nYou are free to go ...\n\nFRY\nYes!\n\nSLURM QUEEN\n... if you can resist this concentrated\nsuper Slurm! It's so delicious, you'll\neat until you explode! Oh, which reminds\nme, put a tarp over that sofa, will\nyou? Bon app\u00e9tit!\n\n[One of the Glurmos forces a spoonful of the Slurm into Fry's\nmouth. Fry struggles then smiles.]\n\nFRY\nMmm!\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nFarewell! Oh, and congratulations again\non winning the contest.\n\n[She and the Glurmos laugh insanely and leave.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, untie us, quick!\n\nFRY\nHere I come. Let me just-- One more\ntaste.\n\n[He takes three.]\n\nLEELA\nYou pig. Stop stuffing your craw and\nsave us.\n\n[Fry walks towards her then changes his mind and sticks his head\ninto the tub. Bender moves closer to the machine.]\n\nBENDER\nI can't see what's happening. Are we\nboned?\n\nLEELA\nYeah, we're boned.\n\n[Fry lifts his head out of the tub and looks around. He sees\nBender then Leela then looks back at the Slurm, A tear trickles\ndown his face and splashes into the Slurm.]\n\nFRY\nI can't stop eating this delicious ooze.\nBut I'm not gonna let you die.\n\n[He moves towards the control unit, dragging the tub with him\nand shovelling handfuls of Slurm into his mouth.]\n\nLEELA\nHurry!\n\nBENDER\nWhat's happening? Just in time!\n\n[He looks down and screams. There is a hole in the middle of\nhis casing. Fry looks through it. While he is distracted, Leela\ntips the tub of Slurm over and it disappears down a drain.]\n\nFRY\n(screaming) Nooo! (talking) I could\nfit if I didn't have these damn arms!\n\n[He starts gnawing at his arms. Leela lifts him up off the floor.]\n\n[Wormulon Cave. The trio run through the tunnel.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're close to the exit. I can smell\nthose filthy orange guys.\n\n[Ahead of them is Slurms MacKenzie and the babes.]\n\nSLURMS\nStop right there!\n\nBENDER\nSlurms MacKenzie?\n\nSLURMS\nShh! I want you to take me with you.\n\nFRY\nSay what?\n\nSLURMS\nI'm partied out. All I want is to stay\nhome and rent videos and watch them\nwith a few friends. Is that so much\nto ask?\n\nBENDER\nForget it pal. It says on this bottle-cap\nyou have to party with us.\n\nSLURMS\nAlright, when we get to Earth. But please\ndon't invite too many people, I wanna\nkeep it small.\n\nBENDER\nNo can do, Slurms!\n\n[He pats him on the back. The cave starts to shake and the Slurm\nQueen bursts through the wall. Everyone screams.]\n\nSLURMS\nThis way!\n\n[He ushers them into another part of the cave. A sign above reads\n\"Danger Cave-In Area\". The Slurm Queen follows but gets stuck.\nShe squirts some Slurm around her body as lubricant and squeezes\nthrough.]\n\nLEELA\nShe's gaining on us.\n\n[Slurms stops running.]\n\nSLURMS\nGo on without me, I'll hold her off.\n\n[Everyone else stops.]\n\nFRY\nBut she'll crush you like a worm ...\ncrushing a smaller worm.\n\nSLURMS\nIt's alright. I'm so tired of partying.\nSo very tired. I'll save you the only\nway I know how: By partying! Babes.\n\nDIXIE\nYes, Mr. MacKenzie?\n\nSLURMS\nYou've served me well these 40 years,\nbut this time I've got to party alone.\n\nBABE\nBut--\n\nSLURMS\nThere'll be other parties for you. Now\ngo. Go!\n\n[They run away and Slurms dances and the Slurm Queen closes in.\nThe tunnel starts to collapse and Slurms turns the volume up\nto maximum. More rocks fall from the roof. Bender turns around.]\n\nBENDER\nParty on, Slurms!\n\n[He salutes.]\n\nSLURMS\nParty on, contest winners. Party on.\n\n[Bigger rocks falls from above and they pile up in the tunnel.\nOne crushes Slurms and he yelps. The Slurm Queen slams into the\npile of rocks.]\n\nSLURM QUEEN\nNo! We're ruined! They know our disgusting\nsecret!\n\n[She cries. The Glurmos arrive in time to see her drinking her\nown Slurm.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship speeds away from Wormulon.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Hermes, Zoidberg and Amy sit on the couch,\nBender relaxes at his station while Fry and Farnsworth use the\nphone.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCommissioner, my crew has made a horrific\ndiscovery: It seems that Slurm is produced\nin a colossal worm hiney!\n\n[On the screen, the commissioner sits in his office in front\nof a seal with \"Bureau Of Soft Drinks, Tobacco, Firearms\" written\naround it.]\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nHmm, \"hiney\", you say? Why, with your\ntestimony we'll finally be able to outlaw\nthis insidious Slurm.\n\nFRY\nOutlaw Slurm? Uh, don't pay any attention\nto him sir ...\n\n[Cut to: Commissioner's Office.]\n\nFRY\n... Grandpa's making up crazy stories\nagain.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm not your grandpa, you're my uncle!\nFrom the year 2000!\n\n[Fry makes the cuckoo gesture.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nOK, grandpa, we'll take care of the\n\"bad worms,\" don't you worry.\n\n[He grins and hangs up. Fry opens another can of Slurm.]\n\nFRY\nAh, I just wish Slurms MacKenzie were\nhere to enjoy this with me.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, that Slurms sure loved to party.\nWhattya say we all party one last time\nfor him?\n\n[Leela raises a can.]\n\nLEELA\nFor Slurms!\n\n[The rest raise their cans.]\n\nAMY\n(simultaneously) For Slurms!\n\nBENDER\n(simultaneously) For Slurms!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(simultaneously) For Slurms!\n\nFRY\n(simultaneously) For Slurms!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(simultaneously) Whammy-wazzle!\n\n[Slurms' music plays and the babes run in from the side and start\ndancing. Bender drinks a can.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, that's not that bad.\n\n[The Slurm trickles out of the hole in his casing. Fry is lying\non the floor underneath so the Slurm runs straight into his mouth.]\n\nFRY\nMmm!\n\n[He smiles.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-I-Second-That-Emotion.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 205\n\n\"I SECOND THAT EMOTION\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear as heroes in an\noval.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voice-over) Futurama is brought to\nyou by ... ... Glagnar's Human Rinds.\nIt's a buncha muncha cruncha human!\n\n[The monster bites one from a packet.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Made From Meat By-Products.]\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela picks up a huge can of Kibbles\n'n' Snouts and carries it over to a huge electric can opener\non the wall.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Balcony. Nibbler is asleep. His third\neye perks up and looks around when he hears the can opener. He\nruns inside.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry gets some coffee. Leela\ntips the can over and the meat slowly slides out from inside.\nNibbler sits in his food dish and the meat falls on him and he\nscoffs it in a few bites.]\n\nLEELA\nAww! Somebody likes snouts.\n\nFRY\nIs it me?\n\n[Bender wanders in humming to himself. The magnet on the can\nopener pulls him off the floor and starts cutting into him.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Ow, my head! My precious\nhead! (talking) Stupid can opener.\nYou killed my father and now you've\ncome back for me!\n\nFRY\nYou alright, Bender?\n\n[Bender rubs his head. The top half is cut like a half-open can.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, I guess so. But I don't see why\nwe keep this ticking time-bomb around\njust for that dumb animal.\n\nLEELA\nDon't yell at Nibbler like that. You\nhurt his feelings. Come on, pet him\nand make up.\n\nBENDER\nNo.\n\nLEELA\nI said pet him.\n\nBENDER\nI'll pet him. I'll pet him with both\nhands! Ow! My ass! Get off!\n\n[Nibbler lets go.]\n\nLEELA\nAre you alright?\n\nBENDER\nAh, it's nothing a lawsuit won't cure.\n\nLEELA\nNot you. Aww, poor baby chipped a fang.\n\n[She carries Nibbler away and kisses and pets him.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, I got a busted ass here, I don't\nsee anyone kissing it.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg puts a book down\nand stands up from the table.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(reluctant) Alright, I'm coming.\n\n[Animal Clinic Waiting Room. A man sits stroking a cat, a cat\nsits stroking a man and Leela sits with Nibbler while Fry and\nBender stand nearby. A door opens and a woman comes out with\na two-headed dog, followed by the vet, Jeffery Grant.]\n\nJEFFERY\nRemember, Rover gets the pill and Pepper\ngets the suppository. Next.\n\n[Animal Clinic Examination Room. Veterinary surgeries haven't\nchanged much in a thousand years; there is a sink, a paper towel\ndispenser and an examination table in the middle of the room\nwhich Nibbler sits on. Jeffery fetches a small hammer and taps\nNibbler on the head with it, making him squeal. He looks in his\nmouth.]\n\nJEFFERY\nIt's just a simple broken fang, nothing\nserious.\n\nBENDER\nWhat's that you say there, doctor? You're\ngonna have to put him down?\n\nJEFFERY\nNo-- what? Huh?\n\n[He looks at Fry and Leela in confusion. Bender shakes his head.]\n\nBENDER\nTerrible shame that. Shall I do the\nhonours?\n\n[He reaches up to a shelf and takes down a bottle with some pink\nliquid in it marked \"Goose Laxative\". He holds the bottle by\nit's neck, smashes it on a table and points it at Nibbler. Leela\nreaches across.]\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\n[She rips Bender's arm off and smacks it against the table until\nit lets go of the broken bottle.]\n\nBENDER\nYou about done?\n\nLEELA\nNext time I'm keeping it.\n\n[She tosses the arm over her shoulder and Bender reattaches it.]\n\nJEFFERY\nOK, well I believe I have a replacement\nfang for your pet in the next room.\nThe jaguar didn't wanna cooperate but\nluckily he knocked one of my teeth out.\nNow then.\n\n[He pulls out the broken crown of Nibbler's fang and sets it\ndown on a table. Fry picks it up.]\n\nFRY\nHey, what are these rings in Nibbler's\nfang?\n\n[Jeffery attaches Nibbler's new tooth with a laser.]\n\nJEFFERY\nUm, I'm still a little woozy from a\ngazelle kick this morning but if he's\nanything like the common tree, the rings\nmight indicate his age.\n\n[Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nYeah, well, good luck. It'd take some\nkind of genius to count all those rings.\n\n[Jeffery takes a look.]\n\nJEFFERY\nHe's five.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. A \"Happy 5th Birthday Nibbler\" banner\nhas been strung up on the wall.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHappy birthday, young Nibbler.\n\n[Everyone is sat on the floor surrounded by opened presents.\nThe room has been decorated with balloons and streamers and Fry\nsticks a picture to the wall. Nibbler scratches himself and runs\naround.]\n\nLEELA\nAww, look how cuddly he looks in his\nnew cape!\n\nBENDER\n(sarcastic) I'd be cuddly too if someone\ngave me a new cape.\n\nFRY\nWho's playing pin the tail on the moon\nmaggot?\n\n[Bender snatches a tail from his hand.]\n\nBENDER\nOoh, me! Everyone watch how good I am.\nAnd the crowd goes wild! What prize\ndo I get? Cash?\n\n[He turns around. No one is interested.]\n\nAMY\nHey, look at Nibbler!\n\n[Nibbler is sat in a high-chair at the table and chews a spoon.]\n\nHERMES\nAww, he's holding a spoon.\n\nZOIDBERG\nHe's so talented!\n\nBENDER\nYou call that talent? Gather round old\nBender and get ready for the show of\na lifetime. Ta-da!\n\n[He grumbles when no one watches. Leela puts a pointy party hat\non Nibbler and his third eye pops out the top. Hermes gasps.]\n\nHERMES\nNow he's wearing a hat!\n\nLEELA\nCome on, let's all sing Happy Birthday!\n\n[They do, all except Bender.]\n\nALL\n(singing) What day is today?\n\nIt's Nibbler's birthday,\n\nWhat a day for a birthday,\n\nLet's all have some cake.\n\nFRY\n(singing) ... and you smell like one\ntoo!\n\n[He giggles and they all applaud.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, what about this?\n\n[He dances around and whistles Sweet Georgia Brown again.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, I thought you were supposed\nto be cooking for this party.\n\nBENDER\nFine, we'll have rack of Nibbler.\n\nLEELA\nJust make a simple cake. And this time,\nif someone's going to jump out of it,\nmake sure you put them in after you\ncook it.\n\nBENDER\nSo it's a cake you want, is it? I'll\nmake you a cake you'll never forget.\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender takes some rat poison out of\na cupboard and laughs insanely as he tips it onto something.\nIt turns out he is pouring it next to a hole in the bottom of\nthe wall.]\n\nBENDER\nThat'll take care of those annoying\nrats. Now, to bake a cake so delicious\nthey'll have no choice but to love and\nworship me.\n\n[He whistles Sweet Georgia Brown as he walks to the fridge and\ntakes two eggs out of a 12-pack of various grade bird eggs. He\njuggles them around, then rolls them across his shoulders and\ninto a bowl. He tips in some flour, some Third & Third & Third\nand then uses his hand to whisk the mixture. He pours the mixture\ninto a cake tin, puts the tin in his chest cabinet and switches\nit from refrigerate to E-Z bake, closes the door and hums as\nit cooks.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender ices the 5-tier birthday cake and puts a\nlittle Bender ornament on the top.]\n\nBENDER\nThere! This'll teach those filthy bastards\nwho's lovable. Now all I have to do\nis spell check it and it's ready for\nmy admiring public. No! Get away from\nthere! That's it.\n\n[Planet Express: Bathroom. Bender carries Nibbler in holding\nhim by his eyestalk and lifts the toilet seat lid.]\n\nBENDER\nHappy birthday!\n\n[He drops Nibbler in and flushes the toilet. Nibbler starts turning.\nEnter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, what's going-- (crying) No!\n\nBENDER\nHey! Can't you see I'm using the toilet?\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table crying\nwith the rest of the staff gathered around her.]\n\nAMY\nBender! How could you flush Nibbler\ndown the toilet?\n\n[Bender sits on a chair with his feet on the table smoking a\ncigar.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, step one, I had to lift the seat.\nThat was the first little annoyance.\nAm I right, men?\n\nLEELA\n(crying) Aren't you upset at all? How\nwould you feel if I flushed Fry down\nthe toilet?\n\nBENDER\nOnly one way to find out.\n\nLEELA\n(crying) You have no sympathy for anyone\nelse's feelings.\n\nBENDER\nOf course I do. Right now I feel sorry\nfor you.\n\nLEELA\nYou do?\n\nBENDER\nYeah. I mean, one cantaloupe-sized bloodshot\neye? You ain't winning no beauty pageants,\nlady.\n\n[Leela cries some more.]\n\n[Planet Express: Bathroom. Everyone except Bender stands around\nthe toilet. Leela dabs her eyes with a tissue.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd so we say goodbye to our beloved\npet Nibbler, who's gone to a place where\nI too hope one day to go: The toilet.\n\n[Leela sobs and Fry nods to Hermes, who places a lily into the\ntoilet. He nods back to Fry and he flushes the lily away.]\n\nLEELA\n(crying) I wouldn't feel so bad if Bender\njust understood the pain he caused me.\n\n[They hear Bender laughing.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. They peer around the door. Bender\nis watching All My Circuits. Calculon is lying in a hospital\nbed.]\n\nCALCULON\nGive it to me straight, doctor -- don't\nsugarcoat it.\n\nDOCTORBOT\nVery well. Your entire family died\nwhen a plane piloted by your fianc\u00e9e\ncrashed into your uninsured home. And\nyou have inoperable cancer.\n\n[Bender laughs and kicks his legs.]\n\nBENDER\nBet you weren't expecting that one,\nCalculon!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom.]\n\nAMY\nIt's like he doesn't understand simple\nhumanoid emotion.\n\nLEELA\nI wish just once Bender could feel exactly\nwhat I feel.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nActually, through the miracle of science,\nthat can be arranged.\n\nFRY\nUh-oh. Is this gonna be another crazy\nexperiment that crosses a line Man was\nnot meant to cross?\n\n[Farnsworth makes the \"little bit\" gesture.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender watches the news.]\n\nLINDA\nThe official death toll in that tragic\nrocket crash has now been raised to\n54,000.\n\n[Bender sniggers and Fry, Hermes and Zoidberg grab him and pin\nhim to the table. Farnsworth unscrews his head.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, what the hell are you doing with\nmy head?\n\n[Farnsworth carries him across the room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI need to tinker in it.\n\nBENDER\nWhy don't you just use a potted plant\nlike Fry?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nQuiet, you. I'm installing an empathy\nchip.\n\n[He holds up a little green chip in a pair of pliers.]\n\nFRY\nAnd that'll allow Bender to feel other\npeople's emotions?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes. If by \"allow\" you mean \"force\".\n\n[He screws Bender's head into a vice and starts hammering the\nchip into the side of it.]\n\nBENDER\nOoh! Ow! Son of a-- Careful with that!\nOw ...\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh dear, oh my. I got it. Once more.\n\nBENDER\n... Ow! Professor!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSteady now.\n\nBENDER\nOw!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere we go. Now I'll simply tune it\nto Leela's emotional frequency.\n\n[He turns the chip with a screwdriver. It beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nMy God, I'm overcome with ... feelings.\nI'm experiencing a powerful yearning\nto ... to cram my gullet full of mackerel\nheads.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's me, baby!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm.\n\n[He turns the chip again.]\n\nBENDER\nNow I'm worried that I'm not as smart\nas Leela, but at the same time I feel\nrelieved that I'm cuter than her.\n\nAMY\nUh ... that's me.\n\n[She raises her hand and Fry leans back.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Thanks for covering.\n\n[Farnsworth turns the chip again.]\n\nBENDER\nThis time I miss Nibbler and I'm feeling\nnosy and opinionated.\n\nAMY\nBingo!\n\nHERMES\nThat's Leela!\n\nLEELA\nThank you, Professor. I'm happy that\nBender can finally feel my pain.\n\n[The chip beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nHappy. I like this feeling. Just don't\nrevert to your usual mopey self.\n\nLEELA\nI'm not mopey. You shut up!\n\n[The chip beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nAnger, huh? How dare you make me feel\nanger, you one-eyed jerk with a dead\npet!\n\n[He laughs and Leela cries. The chip beeps and he cries too.]\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are on a girl's night out. Leela\nis wearing a blue dress and Amy is wearing a green top.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks for taking me out, Amy. I feel\nslightly less miserable already.\n\nAMY\nHey, you know what'd cheer you up? You\nshould get a puppy.\n\nLEELA\nA puppy? Nibbler loved to eat puppies.\n\n[She bursts into tears.]\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge. They sit watching TV and Bender suddenly\ncries.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's your problem?\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I miss Nibbler.\n\nFRY\nYou do?\n\nBENDER\nHell, no! It's Leela's stupid feelings.\nWhy can't she just drink herself happy\nlike a normal person?\n\n[He cries and drinks down the bottle.]\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and a Hispanic guy dance closely. Leela\ndrums her fingers and growls.]\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge. Bender's chip beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nUh-oh, jealousy. (shouting) You think\nyou're so hot!\n\nFRY\nWhat?\n\nBENDER\nThe only reason you get all the guys\nis because you dress like a tramp!\n\n[He slaps Fry, making him drop his Slurm.]\n\nFRY\n(crying) They're just responding to\nmy personality.\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Leela is still sat at the bar. The guy has\nhis arm around Amy.]\n\nAMY\nUm, Leela? Armando and I are going to\nthe back seat of his car for coffee.\nYou gonna be alright here by yourself?\n\nLEELA\n(theatrical happiness) Sure. I'm having\na great time -- really. You two go enjoy\nyourselves.\n\n[They leave.]\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I'm so lonely. I'm gonna go\neat a bucket of ice cream. (crying)\nA bucket of ...\n\n[He sobs.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) The spoon's in the foot powder.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. A tear streams down Leela's face\nas she looks at a photo of her and Nibbler in one of those things\nat a beach where the head is cut out. Bender and Fry watch from\nthe doorway. Bender sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm at the end of my rope. I can't live\nanother minute without poor, sweet Nibbler.\n\nFRY\nToo bad he wasn't an alligator. Y'know,\nwhen you flush those things they stay\nalive in the sewers.\n\nBENDER\nReally?\n\nFRY\nYep. My friend's cousin's caseworker\nsaw one once. It's a widely-believed\nfact.\n\nBENDER\nHmm, sewers. Thinking, thinking, thinking.\n\n[Planet Express: Bathroom. He stands in the toilet.]\n\nBENDER\nHang on, Nibbler. Uncle Bender's coming\nto save you. Damn, it's too small.\nWhat did those human design this for\nanyway? Aha! Bender, one; toilet, zero!\nSee you on the other side!\n\n[His body waves goodbye. Someone knocks on the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry pounds on the door.]\n\nFRY\nBender? Bender?!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Bathroom. He forces the door open.]\n\nFRY\nHave you seen my sombrero?\n\n[He gasps as Bender's right arm flushes itself away.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.]\n\nLEELA\nNow he's flushed himself down the toilet?\nWho's he gonna flush next?\n\nFRY\nHey, it's your fault. He only flushed\nhimself because your emotions made him\nfeel bad.\n\nLEELA\nYou're right. I feel terrible.\n\nFRY\nOh, great, now you're making him feel\nworse!\n\nLEELA\nI guess we'd better go down into the\nsewers and look for him.\n\nAMY\nAre you crazy? There's mutants down\nthere! They'll eat you alive.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey're hideous!\n\n[He screams and clacks his claws at her.]\n\nLEELA\nThere's no such thing as mutants. That's\na ridiculous urban myth.\n\n[Farnsworth spins around in his chair.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, don't be so sure. Many scientists\nbelieve humans really could mutate down\nthere. Uh, due to exposure to toxic\nwaste and radioactive runoff and good\nold American faeces.\n\n[Fry holds his hand to his heart.]\n\nFRY\nGod bless America.\n\n[New New York City Street. In the middle of the road outside\nthe Planet Express building, Leela lifts a manhole cover with\na picture of Thurgood Stubbs from The PJs engraved on it. Fry\npeers down the hole as she drags it away.]\n\nFRY\nPhew! Uh, ladies first.\n\n[She pushes him down the hole and he screams before splashing\ninto the sewer water below.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York City Sewers. Leela peers down the hole\nand Fry splutters and spits.]\n\nFRY\nOh, and the aftertaste!\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela and Fry crawl through the pitch black tunnels.\nFry lights a match and screams.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it?\n\nFRY\nI burned my finger.\n\n[Time Lapse. They float down the sewer river on an inflatable\nyellow raft pointing flashlights around.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, check the guidebook.\n\n[Fry shines his torch onto a page in Let's Go Sewers.]\n\nFRY\nLooks like we're under Park Avenue.\nOoh, ritzy! Just think: All this was\nprobably once a charity luncheon for\nthe Met.\n\n[A noise comes from down the sewers.]\n\nLEELA\nWait, what's that?\n\n[They shine their torches down the tunnels and see Bender at\nthe other end trying to reattach his limbs. He has put his right\narm in his right leg socket and his right leg to the right arm\nsocket. He groans.]\n\nBENDER\nI never should have thrown out the manual.\n\nLEELA\nBender, you didn't have to come down\nhere.\n\nBENDER\nI know. But I just missed Nibbler so\nmuch.\n\nLEELA\n(crying) He was so cute.\n\n[The chip beeps.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) He was so sweet.\n\n[They hug.]\n\nFRY\nEck! This emotional display is making\nme nauseous. Or maybe it's whatever\nthat is.\n\n[Time Lapse. The trio sit in the raft as it carries on through\nthe sewers. Bender's arms and legs are in the right place.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Nibbler?\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Nibbler?\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's no use. We'd better turn back.\nWhich way, Fry?\n\nFRY\nHmm. According to this map, the only\nway out is through ... that pipe. Don't\nworry. It gets wider after about a mile.\n\n[Leela and Bender look at each other and the chip beeps.]\n\nLEELA\n(simultaneously) Idiot.\n\nBENDER\n(simultaneously) Idiot.\n\n[Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nOK, OK, nevermind. I'll just ask those\npeople for directions.\n\n[He points the torch at some hideous creatures all with extra\nbodily features such as arms, eyes, noses, hands. They growl.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Mutants!\n\n[Fry screams, then Leela, then - after his chip has beeped -\nBender.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela, Fry and Bender stand in the sewer water staring\nat the mutants.]\n\nLEELA\nMutants! They're real!\n\n[She and Bender flinch. Fry pushes them aside.]\n\nFRY\nI'll take care of this! Back! Back!\n\n[One of the mutants, Vyolet, a hideous woman with green scaly\nskin, a snout and gills, steps forwards and uses the flaming\nguidebook to light her cigarette. She smokes it and smoke comes\nout of her gills.]\n\nVYOLET\nThanks, handsome.\n\n[A mutant, called Dwayne, with a huge forehead and two noses\nsteps forward.]\n\nDWAYNE\nPlease, do not be frightened, we're\nharmless.\n\nRAOUL\nI have three arms.\n\nDWAYNE\nI said \"harmless\" not \"armless\".\n\nVYOLET\nLay off him. You know he's only got\none ear.\n\nFRY\nHey, aren't you supposed to be eating\nour brains? You're mutants.\n\nDWAYNE\nMutants? Perhaps it is you who are the\nmutants.\n\nVYOLET\nPlease, Dwayne, have you looked in a\nmirror lately?\n\n[Mutant Village. The mutants lead Fry, Leela and Bender down\nthe tunnels and into an open space with buildings and other mutants.]\n\nRAOUL\nWelcome to our village. It may not be\nParis but it has a certain quaint charm\nthat I, for one, wouldn't trade for\nthe world.\n\nBENDER\nYou guys realise you live in a sewer,\nright?\n\nDWAYNE\nPerhaps. But perhaps your civilisation\nis merely the sewer of an even greater\nsociety above you.\n\nLEELA\nNo, we're on the top.\n\nFRY\nDaylight and everything.\n\n[Dwayne groans.]\n\nVYOLET\nIt must be wonderful.\n\nBENDER\nEh.\n\n[He makes the middle-of-the-road gesture.]\n\nLEELA\nListen. We actually came down here to\nfind our pet, Nibbler. He got flushed\ndown the toilet.\n\nRAOUL\nWell if he got flushed down the toilet\nhe probably came through here. Everything\nalways does. Follow me. All that is\nours was once flushed down your toilets.\nOver there is our aquarium. This is\nour library.\n\n[The library is just a shelf. Bender looks at what is on offer.]\n\nBENDER\nNothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.\n\n[He holds up Atlas Shrugged.]\n\nRAOUL\nAnd over here is our church.\n\n[Cut to: Mutant Church. Fry opens the door and looks around.\nIn front of the altar is a huge nuclear warhead.]\n\nFRY\nWow. You guys worship an unexploded\nnuclear bomb?\n\n[Cut to: Mutant Village.]\n\nVYOLET\nYeah, but nobody's that observant. It's\nmainly a Christmas and Easter thing.\n\n[Time Lapse. The group walk down a street and pass lots and lots\nof dry cleaners.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Nibbler?\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Come to Daddy, sweetie-ookums.\n\nFRY\nSo, is it true that alligators flushed\ndown the toilet survive down here?\n\nVYOLET\nNo. That's just an urban legend.\n\nBENDER\nThen what are those?\n\nVYOLET\nCrocodiles.\n\n[She snorts.]\n\nRAOUL\nWe keep them as pets. Then, when they\ngrow too large, we flush them down into\nthe sub-sewer.\n\n[He points to a huge toilet in the middle of the mutant town.]\n\nDWAYNE\nSome say there's a freakish race of\nsub-mutants down there.\n\nVYOLET\nPlease, that's just a sub-urban legend.\n\nDWAYNE\nOh? Then I suppose you also don't believe\nin ... ... El Chupanibre.\n\n[The other mutants gasp.]\n\nLEELA\nEl Chupanibre? What's that?\n\n[Dwayne strums a guitar.]\n\nDWAYNE\nGather round, children, for the legend\nof El Chupanibre.\n\n(singing) He creeps and crawls in the midnight hush,\n\nSilent as a low-flow toilet flush,\n\nWatch your step,\n\n'Cause sooner or later,\n\nHe'll eat you whole,\n\nAnd half your alligator.\n\nVYOLET\nCrocodile.\n\nDWAYNE\nWhatever.\n\n[Vyolet snorts.]\n\nLEELA\nWait. Our pet Nibbler loves fresh crocodile.\nIt's his favourite treat. He must be\nEl Chupanibre.\n\nBENDER\nHey, yeah!\n\nRAOUL\nYou unleashed the dreaded El Chupanibre\nupon us? Then you are our sworn enemies.\n\n[The growling mutants surround them.]\n\nLEELA\nYou don't understand. He would never\nhurt people. Let us help you capture\nhim.\n\nDWAYNE\nImpossible. If the legend is true, our\nonly hope is to offer him a snack-rifice.\n\nRAOUL\nYes. An unspoiled virgin.\n\nLEELA\nI volunteer.\n\nVYOLET\nNice try, Leela, but we've all seen\nZapp Brannigan's webpage.\n\n[Bender laughs and Leela looks sad. Bender's chip beeps and he\ngroans.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, I made myself feel bad.\n\nRAOUL\nShe'll have to do. Chain her to the\npost! And rip her shirt a little.\nBehold. When El Chupanibre comes for\nthe, uh, \"virgin\", he will be snared\nby this rope trap.\n\nDWAYNE\n(quietly) Shh. El Chupanibre comes soon.\nIt is nightfall.\n\nLEELA\nNightfall? How can you tell down here?\n\n[Splashing noises echo around the village.]\n\nDWAYNE\nThe tide is coming in.\n\n[Vyolet lies with her ear to the water.]\n\nVYLOET\nQuiet, the beast approaches.\n\n[Loud bangs come from the pipe as El Chupanibre gets closer.\nThe mutants, Fry and Bender scarper. Fry dives behind some boxes\nand Bender and Dwayne join him. Raoul runs into a building and\ndraws the curtains across him. El Chupanibre's shadow appears\nand Leela gasps. The huge shadow gets smaller and it turns out\nto be Nibbler.]\n\nBENDER\nNibbler! Aw, come here precious! Look\neveryone, it's El Chupanibre.\n\nDWAYNE\nThat's not El Chupanibre.\n\nBENDER\nSay what?\n\nDWAYNE\nThat's El Chupanibre.\n\n[He points to a huge green monster standing in the pipe looking\ndown on Bender. It has fangs and yellow bloodshot eyes. Bender\nlooks round, screams, drops Nibbler and runs away.]\n\nFRY\nI'll take care of this.\n\n[He steps into the rope trap and screams as it lifts him off\nthe ground and leaves him dangling overhead. El Chupanibre gets\ncloser to Nibbler. Leela screams, making Bender scream.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, do something.\n\nBENDER\nI'm too scared.\n\nFRY\nLeela, your scaredness is being transmitted\nstraight to Bender. If you care about\nNibbler, stop caring about him!\n\nLEELA\nI can't. I love every living creature.\n\nFRY\nEven me?\n\nLEELA\nAs a friend.\n\nFRY\nDamn.\n\n[Leela starts to cry.]\n\nBENDER\nListen to me, Leela: I'm an expert at\nnot caring. The secret is to stop giving\na rat's ass about anyone else and start\nthinking of the things that you want,\nthat you deserve, that the world owes\nyou.\n\n[El Chupanibre edges closer to Nibbler.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, I could use a new tank top.\n\nBENDER\nBigger! Bigger!\n\nLEELA\nA fashionable tank top. And designer\nboots ... encrusted with jewels.\n\nBENDER\nDon't stop now, you'll need some pants\nto go with that outfit.\n\nLEELA\nYeah. And I could afford it all if I\ndidn't have to feed that stupid Nibbler.\n\n[Bender's chip beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nBender is back. I'll save you, Nibbler.\n\n[He kicks Nibbler out the way and starts rotating his arms. El\nChupanibre grabs them and pulls them off. Bender groans. El Chupanibre\ngrabs him and lifts him towards his mouth.]\n\nFRY\nBender's gonna be killed!\n\nLEELA\nYou know what else I could use? A weekend\nat one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone.\n\n[El Chupanibre prepares to eat Bender. Bender's detached arms\ntap him on the shoulder and he looks around. They punch him and\nhe drops Bender. Bender charges at him and knocks him flying\ninto the huge toilet. His arms flush the monster away and everyone\ncheers.]\n\nFRY\n(cheering) Yeah!\n\nLEELA\nYou did it!\n\nRAOUL\nLet's have a tissue-tape parade!\n\nBENDER\nNo thanks.\n\n[Dwayne unties Leela and another mutant cuts Fry down. He falls\ninto the water and splutters. Nibbler runs towards Leela and\njumps into her arms and licks her. Dwayne sits on the toilet\nwith his guitar.]\n\nDWAYNE\nGather round, children, to hear the\nlegend of Bender.\n\n[He strums the guitar.]\n\n(singing) He came from above with a--\n\n[A string snaps and he sighs.]\n\n(talking) It's gonna be many a year before someone flushes another\nguitar string.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Leela and Bender are back\nand everyone is with them. Bender holds a cigar.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat was a disgusting story.\n\nLEELA\nAnd it's all thanks to Bender. I love\nyou, Bender.\n\nBENDER\nI love you too. Get that stupid chip\nout of me before I kill myself!\n\n[Farnsworth prises the chip off with a screwdriver and looks\nat it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBender, you won't believe this, but\nthe empathy chip burned out. The emotion\nyou felt for Nibbler was actually your\nown.\n\nFRY\nLooks like Bender learned an important\nlesson about respecting other people's\nfeelings afterall.\n\n[Everyone else nods and murmurs in agreement.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, I'm wrong. The empathy chip was\nrunning at triple capacity.\n\nBENDER\nAnd I still barely felt anything. Goodnight,\nlosers!\n\n[He walks out.]\n\nLEELA\nYou know, Bender may not have learned\nanything from me, but I think I actually\nlearned something from him. (shouting)\nSo long, jerkwads!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo long!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Brannigan,-Begin-Again.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 206\n\n\"BRANNIGAN, BEGIN AGAIN\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Ships Rec Room. Fry and Bender play a futuristic version of\nchess. The pieces are holograms and include an Omicronian, a\nTrisolian, a Horrible Gelatinous Blob, one of Kif's people and\none of Zoidberg's people.]\n\nFRY\nHmm. Horsey to pointy guy six. Check.\n\nBENDER\nHmm. Get him, boys!\n\n[Fry screams as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock\nhim to the floor and beat him up.]\n\nFRY\n(hoarse) Good move.\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Y3K Compliant.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry lies on the couch next to Bender\nand Leela leans against the wall reading Cosmopolitan. The door\nopens.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone. We have a mission\nto further the noble cause of intergalactic\npeace.\n\nBENDER\nNope. Watching cartoons.\n\nFRY\nSorry.\n\n[Leela tips them off the couch.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's the mission?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's a delivery for the Democratic Order\nOf Planets.\n\n[He points at the label on the package that says \"DOOP.\" Fry\nlooks at it.]\n\nFRY\nDOOP? What's that?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's similar to the United Nations from\nyour time, Fry.\n\nFRY\nUh...\n\nHERMES\nOr like the Federation from your Star\nTrek programme.\n\nFRY\n(getting it) Oh!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTonight is the ribbon-cutting for the\nDOOP's new headquarters.\n\nLEELA\nWhat are we delivering?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSomething without which no ribbon-cutting\nceremony could proceed. The ceremonial\noversized scissors.\n\n[He takes them out of the box and Leela takes them from him.]\n\nLEELA\nWe'll get them there as quickly as we\ncan.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAlright, but don't run with them.\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies towards the ultra-modern new DOOP\nspace station located in the Neutral Zone and docks.]\n\n[New DOOP Headquarters. The crew walk into the huge reception\narea.]\n\nFRY\nWow! There's a million aliens. I've\nnever seen anything so mind blowing.\nOoh, a reception table with muffins!\n\n[He runs across the room. Glab, one of Kif's people, stands at\na podium. A grey man dressed in grey and an orange DOOP sash\nstands behind her.]\n\nGLAB\nLadies and gentlemen, welcome to the\nribbon-cutting ceremony of the DOOP's\nmagnificent new headquarters. A fitting\nhome for an organisation that has fostered\npeace throughout the universe. Even\nbetween the Insectoids and the Space\nLizards.\n\n[A spotlight falls on a Space Lizard who is eating an Insectoid.\nHe spits out the Insectoid and shakes it's hand. Everyone applauds.\nAt the bar Fry picks at a muffin and chats up someone.]\n\nFRY\nSo, what's it like on planet Amazonia?\n\n[The woman is a huge ten-foot tall Neanderthal wearing leopard-skin\nand carrying a club.]\n\nAMAZONIAN\nBig rats there. Me crush with club.\n\nFRY\nThat's so interesting. Maybe we could\nget to know each other over a coffee.\n\nGLAB\nI can think of no better place for this\ncentre of diplomacy than here in orbit\naround the Neutral Planet. What are\nyour thoughts on this momentous occasion,\nYour Neutralness?\n\nNEUTRAL PRESIDENT\nI have no strong feelings one way or\nthe other.\n\n[Everyone cheers, except one man.]\n\nZAPP\nI hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With\nenemies you know where they stand but\nwith Neutrals, who knows? It sickens\nme. Halt. Why, Leela. I do believe\nwe've met.\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) He means you guys did it.\n\nLEELA\nIf you don't mind, we're here to deliver\nthe scissors for the ribbon-cutting.\n\nZAPP\nThen you're under arrest.\n\n[He snatches the scissors away.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat for?\n\nZAPP\nHow do I know these scissors aren't\npart of some Neutral plot?\n\nLEELA\nBut they're not even sharp. Who could\nI possibly hurt with them?\n\nZAPP\nThe Yarn People of Nylar 4? So, a plan\nto assassinate a weird-looking alien\nwith scissors. How very Neutral of you.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nZAPP\nIt was almost the perfect crime, but\nyou forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors\n... but paper covers rock ... and scissors\ncut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum.\nSearch them for paper, and bring me\na rock.\n\nKIF\nWhy?\n\n[Zapp stares at Leela.]\n\nZAPP\nSo beautiful, yet so neutral. Drag\nthem to the ship.\n\nGLAB\nAnd now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary\nDOOP captain who just returned from\na triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden\n7, Zapp Brannigan.\n\n[Everyone applauds and looks around in confusion. Zapp has gone.]\n\n[Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus has moved away from the headquarters.\nLeela, Fry and Bender are handcuffed on the deserted bridge.\nZapp paces around.]\n\nZAPP\nWhat makes a man turn neutral? Lust\nfor gold? Power? Or were you just born\nwith a heart full of neutrality?\n\n[Kif points at the reception area on the viewscreen.]\n\nKIF\nUm, sir, you're supposed to be cutting\nthe ribbon right now.\n\nZAPP\nNo matter. I'll simply cut it from here\nwith the ships laser.\n\n[He presses a button and a console comes out of the floor. Outside\nthe ship a huge laser appears from a hatch.]\n\nKIF\nSir, I don't think that's wise.\n\nZAPP\nKif, if there's one thing I don't need\nit's your I-don't-think-that's-wise\nattitude.\n\n[He grabs a handle on the console and moves it through Stun,\nKill and Hyperdeath \u2122. He presses the \"Fire\" button and shoots\na laser beam towards the space station.]\n\n[Cut to: New DOOP Headquarters. The laser cuts the ribbon and\neveryone applauds. The laser carries on cutting and cuts a huge\nstone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries\non cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts\nrumbling and explodes. The reception area breaks off and hurtles\noff into space with everyone still screaming.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nZAPP\nWhoopsie-daisy.\n\n[Former DOOP Headquarters. The building in Weehauken, New Jersey,\nis a ruin with boarded up windows and cracks in the walls. The\nDOOP representitives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab\nprecides. She bangs her gavel.]\n\nGLAB\nZapp Brannigan, you stand accused of\nblowing up DOOP headquarters. How do\nyou plead?\n\nZAPP\nAbsolutely 99% not guilty.\n\nGLAB\nThen the prosecutor will call his first\nwitness.\n\n[The prosecutor is a giant, green, chicken with tiny glasses\nperched on his beak. He stands up and speaks with a strong Southern\nAmerican accent.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nYour Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken\nfrom a backwoods asteroid but if it\nplease the court I reckon I'll call\nthe entire jury.\n\n[Everyone gasps and murmurs.]\n\nGLAB\nI'm going to allow this.\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nMembers of the jury ... ... did y'all\nhappen to catch a gander at who blew\nup that there DOOP headquarters?\n\n[They point at Zapp.]\n\nJUROR #1\n(simultaneously) That's the guy, right\nthere.\n\nJUROR #2\n(simultaneously) Oh, yeah, right there.\n\nSMALL GLURMO #1\n(simultaneously) That one.\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nAnd are y'all gonna vote to convict\nhim?\n\nNEPTUNIAN\n(simultaneously) You'd better believe\nit.\n\nJUROR #1\n(simultaneously) You bet.\n\n[Glab bangs her gavel.]\n\nGLAB\nThe jury is instructed to disregard\nits own testimony.\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nYour Honour, the prosecution rests.\n\n[He clucks and covers his face with his wing.]\n\nGLAB\nThe evidence against Zapp Brannigan\nis strong. However, in light of his\nyears of service, and the incompetence\nof this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid\nI must dismiss all charges.\n\n[The crowd murmurs.]\n\nLEELA\nDismiss all charges? Your Honour, I\nknow the case is closed and you've rendered\nyour verdict, but I wanna testify.\n\nGLAB\nI'm going to allow this.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela is sat in the witness box.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nNow, Miss Leela, on the date in question,\nwere you or were you not wearing a hoop\nskirt?\n\nLEELA\nThat's a stupid question. What matters\nis Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain\nI've ever seen, and I saw the idiot\nblow up DOOP headquarters with my own\neye.\n\n[The crowd gasps. Zapp stands up.]\n\nZAPP\nI'd like to cross-examine the witness.\n\nGLAB\nI'm going to allow this.\n\n[Zapp paces past Leela.]\n\nZAPP\nWe've met before have we not?\n\nLEELA\n(reluctantly) Yes.\n\nZAPP\nAnd on that occasion, did you have sex\nwith someone? May I remind you you are\nstill under oath.\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\n(reluctantly) Yes.\n\nZAPP\nPlease point out the person in this\ncourtroom you had sex with. And his\nname is?\n\nLEELA\nZapp Brannigan.\n\nZAPP\nThe very same Zapp Brannigan who did\nnot blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest\nmy case.\n\nGLAB\nLadies and gentlemen of the jury, you\nmay begin your deliberations.\n\n[The jury files out through one door and returns immediately\nthrough another. Small Glurmo #1 is the foreman.]\n\nSMALL GLURMO #1\nYour Honour, we have reached a verdict.\nWe find the defendant ... guilty.\n\n[Leela hoots.]\n\nGLAB\nZapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped\nof your rank as captain and dismissed\nfrom the DOOP.\n\n[Zapp cries as he turns and walks towards the door. He stops\nbefore he reaches it and turns to the court.]\n\nZAPP\nI'd like to make one final statement.\nKif c'mere and hold up the flag. And\nwave it a little for God's sakes. My\nfriends, you can take away a man's title\nand his uniform but you can never take\naway his integrity or his honour. Plus\nit was mostly Kif's fault.\n\n[Kif drops the flag.]\n\nKIF\nWhat?\n\nGLAB\nKif Kroker, you are also stripped of\nyour rank and dishonourably discharged.\n\n[Kif stammers and sighs.]\n\n[Outside Former DOOP Headquarters. Zapp and Kif emerge from the\nbuilding in civilian clothes.]\n\nZAPP\nOne day a man has everything, the next\nday he blows up a $400 billion space\nstation and the next day he has nothing.\nIt makes you think.\n\nKIF\nNo, it doesn't.\n\nZAPP\nCome, Kif, it's time to begin our life\nas civilians. That's an order, soldier.\n\n[Kif reluctantly follows.]\n\n[Montage Zapp and Kif wander through the streets of New New York\nto Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin' \u00e0 la Midnight Cowboy.\nThey stare into the window of a cafe and watch people eating\nthen turn to passers-by on the street. Kif starts to dance and\nZapp holds up a pot which passers by drop money into. Later that\nnight, Zapp stands on a street corner and a limo pulls up. The\nwindow goes down and Zapp winks and offers himself to Hattie.\nShe shakes her head and points at Kif. Kif gasps and Zapp ushers\nhim into the car. The door closes and it speeds off.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry and Bender wash the ship.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Bender?\n\nBENDER\nYeah?\n\n[Fry squirts him with the hose and he giggles and throws his\nsponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and\nhits Leela in the face.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, this is the third hose fight\nI've broken up today and the second\none using actual hoses. Now move your\nlazy asses and start scrubbing the ship\nlike I ordered you to.\n\nFRY\nYou don't have to get so mad, Leela.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, Fry already wiped off some of\nthe dirt with his finger.\n\n[He points at a doodle Fry has done of Leela and speech bubble\nwith \"Yak Yak Yak\" in it. Leela growls. The doorbell rings and\nshe goes to answer.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Entrance. She opens the door to a down-and-out\nZapp and Kif.]\n\nLEELA\nZapp?\n\nZAPP\nLeela, I didn't know where else to turn.\nYou're the only woman who ever loved\nme.\n\nLEELA\nI never loved you.\n\nZAPP\nI mean physically.\n\nLEELA\nWhat do you want?\n\nZAPP\nJust let me work for a little food.\nPerhaps I could paint a fence, or service\nyou sexually, or mop the floors.\n\nLEELA\nYou don't know how to do any of those\nthings.\n\nZAPP\nKif might.\n\n[Leela prepares to press the slam button when Farnsworth turns\nup.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela, who are you talking to?\n\nZAPP\nJust a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom.\nAnd his commanding officer.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy, you're that disgraced starship\ncaptain. Having him on staff will distract\npeople from our horrendous safety record.\nCome in.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zapp and Kif join the crew around\nthe big table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'd like everyone to meet our new employees.\n(whispering) Which ones are new?\n\nHERMES\nThe green dude and the fat man.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm, I could swear I've never seen that\nrobot before either.\n\nBENDER\nI'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course.\nAnyway, whoever you all are, I have\ngood news. You'll be making a delivery\nto Stumbos 4, a planet with such high\ngravity you'll most likely be crushed\nunder the weight of your own hair. Enjoy.\n\n[The ship flies towards the green planet.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Zapp peers around the doorway and watches\nLeela pilot the ship. He turns away and the door closes.]\n\nZAPP\nSo, this Leela. I know she's a very\nsensuous woman but what manner of captain\nis she?\n\nFRY\nShe's really strict.\n\nBENDER\nAnd mean.\n\nZAPP\nI see. Does she by any chance give the\ncrewmembers spankings?\n\nFRY\nNo, she just makes us do work and stuff.\n\nZAPP\nGood, good. But should she ever institute\nsome sort of bare-bottom spanking policy\nlet me go in your place. I won't have\nmy comrades harmed.\n\nBENDER\nHey, this guy's alright!\n\n[He takes some bottles of L\u00f6brau out of his chest cabinet and\npasses them around.]\n\nZAPP\nHere's to us poor schmoes working for\nthe man. Even if he is a hot, sexy,\nfemale man.\n\n[They guzzle down the beers.]\n\n[The ship goes into orbit around the planet.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Kif stands next to Leela.]\n\nKIF\nI've computed out landing co-ordinates,\nCaptain.\n\nLEELA\nThanks, Kif. Very nice work.\n\n[Kif sighs then stops.]\n\nKIF\nWait, what?\n\nLEELA\nI said \"very nice work\".\n\nKIF\nThis is the happiest day of my life.\n\n[He hugs her.]\n\n[Stumbos 4 Surface. The ship lands and the landing gear creaks\nand groans under the immense gravity.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela has assembled Fry, Bender and\nZapp and holds a clipboard.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, crew, listen up. Your job is to\ndelivery these 40 pillows to that hotel.\n\n[She points through the window at a hotel on a hill. Bender holds\na pillow.]\n\nBENDER\nThey're not very heavy but you don't\nhear me not complaining.\n\nLEELA\nThey're not heavy in here because we\nhave an anti-grav pump. But once you\nget out on the surface the gravity will\nbe very intense.\n\nFRY\nHey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect\nme.\n\n[Leela rips it off him.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't want any screw-ups. Use the\nhover-dolly and just deliver one pillow\nat a time.\n\n[She leaves.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, here's an idea, let's deliver all\nthe pillows at once.\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\nZAPP\nThat's using the old noodle!\n\n[Stumbos 4 Surface. The ships cargo lift comes down and Zapp\npushes the hover-dolly off it with all the pillows on it. The\nthree are hit by the enormous gravity. Bender struggles to stay\nupright but his legs are crushed under him. Fry tries as well\nbut his legs buckle. Zapp struggles too.]\n\nZAPP\nCome on, girdle. Hold!\n\n[His girdle breaks and his huge flabby gut spills out from under\nhis sweatshirt. He groans. So does the hover-dolly. Then it breaks.]\n\nBENDER\nUh-oh.\n\n[Leela and Kif walk down the ships steps. Her hair is pushed\nflat and Kif is squished.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat the hell happened?\n\nBENDER\nSome breaking occured, the dolly was\ninvolved, that's about all we know.\n\nLEELA\nI told you dumb apes not to overload\nit. Each of those pillows weighs 150lbs\nhere.\n\nFRY\nAlright, don't get your panties in a\nknot. We'll just use the back-up dolly.\n\nBENDER\nI'll start loading up the pillows.\n\nLEELA\nNo way, Jack. You disobeyed an order,\nso now you have to deliver all 40 pillows\nby hand.\n\nZAPP\nLet me ask you a serious question, Leela:\nDoes the company that made your bra\nmake a girdle as well? I ask because\na friend of mine--\n\nLEELA\nJust get to work.\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender drag the pillows across the\nsurface, leaving huge furrows in the ground.]\n\nBENDER\n(mocking) I'm Leela, get to work, neh\nneh neh.\n\nFRY\nI agree.\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Leela looks bored stiff listening to Kif.]\n\nKIF\nThe point is, it's just so humiliating\nworking for that man. Once, he actually\nordered me to ... shave his armpits\nwhile he was in the bathtub. So, I said--\n\nLEELA\nY'know, why don't we talk about something\nbesides Zapp for a while?\n\nKIF\nOh, alright. Um ... well ... how 'bout\nthen, um...OK, well, there he was in\nthe tub, alright?\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\n[Stumbos 4 Surface. Zapp, Fry and Bender continue the delivery.\nThey struggle and stop. Thunder cracks above.]\n\nFRY\nAh, some good old high-gravity rain.\nThat'll cool us off.\n\n[He holds his tongue out and the heavy rain knocks him to the\nground. They crawl under a rock out of the rain.]\n\nBENDER\nThis is all Leela's fault.\n\nFRY\nYeah. If she had let us use the back-up\ndolly, we could have broken it, given\nup and gone home by now.\n\nZAPP\nY'know boys, a good captain needs many\nskills, such as boldness, daring and\na velour uniform. And I'm not convinced\nLeela has any of those things.\n\nFRY\nAh, Leela's not that bad. I just wish\nshe didn't make us work so much.\n\nZAPP\nBack when I was captain all I asked\nfrom my men was their complete loyalty.\nIf I had that, then for all I cared\nthey could sit around the whole day\ndrinking beer in their underpants.\n\nBENDER\nBeer?\n\nFRY\nUnderpants?\n\n[He and Bender look at each other and grin.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit.]\n\nKIF\nBut now, Zapp's not captain anymore.\nI'm free! Oh, you hear that? I'm actually\nlaughing!\n\n[Enter Zapp, Fry and Bender.]\n\nFRY\nThis is a mutiny.\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're outta here, lady. Zapp's the\nnew captain.\n\n[Zapp handcuffs Leela. Fry already has his shirt off and raises\na beer.]\n\nFRY\nAll hail the new captain.\n\n[He unzips his trousers and lets them fall down.]\n\n[The ship speeds away from Stumbos 4.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp is sat in the pilot's seat.]\n\nZAPP\nLeela, you might be a formidible do-er\nof the nasty but I am forced to relieve\nyou of your post.\n\nLEELA\nOn what grounds, you slobbering oaf?\n\nZAPP\nFailure to prevent a mutiny. Throw her\nin the brig.\n\nFRY\nWe don't have a brig.\n\nZAPP\nThen throw her in the laundry room,\nwhich will hereafter be referred to\nas \"the brig\".\n\n[Ships Laundry Room. Bender and Fry lead Leela inside.]\n\nLEELA\nYou really don't want me to be captain\nanymore?\n\nBENDER\nYou got it, genius.\n\nLEELA\nBut, didn't I do a good job?\n\nFRY\nYou were mean and you yelled and you\nmade us do all that work.\n\nLEELA\nSometimes a captain needs to do those\nthings. Besides I, I thought we were\nfriends.\n\nFRY\nYeah, well, you shouldn't have been\nsuch a mean captain then.\n\n[He turns and leaves.]\n\nBENDER\nDon't worry, Leela, soon we'll be able\nto look back on this and laugh.\n\n[He walks out, looks back and laughs insanely.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Bender return. Zapp is wearing\nhis DOOP uniform.]\n\nZAPP\nBack in my old uniform, and it nearly\nstill fits. Even after all that fattening\nhobo cuisine.\n\n[Kif, back in his uniform too, holds up Zapp's other clothes.]\n\nKIF\nWhat shall I do with your civilian clothes,\nsir?\n\nZAPP\nTake them to the laundry-brig. So,\ndo I have your loyalty, men?\n\nBENDER\nTo the ends of the universe.\n\nFRY\nTen hundred percent!\n\nZAPP\nThat's not nearly loyal enough. I order\nyou to sit around and drink beer until\nyou're as loyal as Kif here.\n\n[He hands them some beers and Kif returns.]\n\nBENDER\nYes, sir, sir!\n\nKIF\nUm, may I have a beer, sir?\n\nZAPP\nNo. You're loyal enough already. Meanwhile,\nI have a plan. We will single-handedly\nattack our archenemy the Neutral Planet.\n\nKIF\nOh, jeez.\n\nZAPP\nOnce the neutral war machine lies in\nruins, I'll be a hero again and the\nDOOP will reinstate me as captain.\n\nKIF\nBut, sir, that plan makes no sense.\n\nZAPP\nMaybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall\ncorrectly, you were court-martialed\nin disgrace.\n\nFRY\nOoh, burn!\n\nBENDER\nNailed you, buddy!\n\n[They clink their bottles.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies towards the neutrally grey Neutral\nPlanet.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp is in the pilot's seat and Fry and\nBender man their stations.]\n\nZAPP\nPrepare to continue the epic struggle\nbetween good and neutral.\n\nFRY\nThis is awesome! We're gonna be like\npow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like\n... ... and then we'll have pancakes\nto celebrate and I'll be like...\n\n[He makes pancake-eating noises.]\n\nZAPP\nPrecisely. Now, in the name of all that\nis good and honourable, we'll call the\nNeutral President with a message of\npeace, then blast him.\n\nBENDER\nYes sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir!\n\nZAPP\nFly the white flag of war.\n\n[The white flag is hoisted on a flagpole atop the ships laser\nturret.]\n\n[Neutral Capitol. The Neutral headquarters, located in Neutropolis,\nbears the motto \"Live Free Or Don't\". The Neutral President's\noffice is quite small and decorated with various shades of grey.\nHe sits at his desk and an aide stands next to him. Zapp is on\na huge wall screen.]\n\nZAPP\nThis is Zapp Brannigan of the good\nship ... Planet Express Ship. I come\nswinging the olive branch of peace.\n\nNEUTRAL PRESIDENT\nAll I know is my gut says maybe.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp turns the communication screen off.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat now, chief?\n\nZAPP\nNow we crash the ship into their headquarters,\nkilling them in a hellish firestorm\nfrom which no living thing can escape.\n\nFRY\nGood, good, then what?\n\nZAPP\nThen your mission is complete. I, meanwhile,\nwill have ejected to safety, wearing\nthe only spacesuit on board.\n\n[Fry and Bender cheer and high-five.]\n\nFRY\nWait a second. Is this plan gonna kill\nus?\n\nZAPP\nOf course. What do you think I meant\nby \"loyalty\"? Now help me into the only\nspacesuit. It looks a bit sweaty in\nthere so you may need to apply baby\npowder.\n\n[Ships Laundry Room. Leela, still handcuffed, folds some sheets\nwhile Kif pours some washing powder into a cup. Fry and Bender\nrun in.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, we want you to be captain again.\n\nLEELA\nLet me guess. He cancelled naptime?\nHe ran out of beer? So he's about\nto kill us?\n\n[They nod.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Zapp is now wearing the spacesuit. Enter Leela,\nKif, Fry and Bender.]\n\nFRY\nWe want Leela to be captain again.\n\nZAPP\nSo it's mutiny is it? I never thought\nI'd see the day. Come, Kif, let's eject.\nI found a children's spacesuit you can\nwear.\n\nKIF\nTo be honest, sir, I'd rather stay here\nwith Captain Leela. She actually listens\nto what I have to--\n\n[Leela shoves the helmet on his head and Zapp puts the suit on\nhim which is decorated with stars and planets. He picks him up\nusing a handle on the back and Kif kicks and mumbles before finally\nsighing. They leave the room and fly away from the ship. Leela\nwrestles with the wheel.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, no! He's disabled the steering.\nWe're gonna crash!\n\nBENDER\nLeela save me ... and yourself, I guess\n... and my banjo. And Fry.\n\nLEELA\nOK, OK. We have one chance. Are you\nwilling to do what I say as captain?\n\nFRY\nAbsolutely.\n\nLEELA\nEven if I make you work hard?\n\nBENDER\nAs your God is my witness.\n\nLEELA\nThen go get the hover-dolly you didn't\nbreak and load all the dark matter into\nthe left engine.\n\nBENDER\nOh, man, that crap's heavy.\n\nFRY\nAnd warm.\n\nLEELA\nJust do it.\n\n[The ship streaks through the planet's atmosphere and starts\nto burn up.]\n\n[Cut to: Neutral Capitol. An alarm dings and the aide runs in.]\n\nNEUTRAL PRESIDENT\nIf I don't survive, tell my wife, \"Hello\".\n\n[Ships Cockpit. Leela turns on the communication screen.]\n\nLEELA\nHurry! I don't wanna die at the age\nof 25.\n\nBENDER\nHoney, unless we hit a time warp, I\nwouldn't worry about it.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Fry and Bender pull the dolly towards\nthe left engine.]\n\nFRY\nIt's too low.\n\nBENDER\nQuick.\n\n[He lies underneath the dolly and Fry works him like a car jack,\ntipping the pellets into the fire.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ships engine flares up and it turns\naway from the planet.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nYou did it! You actually did it!\n\n[Fry and Bender cheer and high-five.]\n\nFRY\nAnd no one will have to punish anyone\nfor the mutiny.\n\n[Former DOOP Headquarters. Everyone is back in the courtroom\nagain.]\n\nZAPP\nAnd so, when Captain Leela panicked,\nperhaps distracted by female troubles,\nmy quick thinking allowed me to do whatever\nI did to save the day.\n\nGLAB\nCaptain Leela, is this rambling story\nof magic and heroism true?\n\nLEELA\nWell, actually--\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(whispering) That a girl! If they don't\ntake him back we can keep him as captain.\n\n[Zapp winks at Leela and click-clicks. She stands up.]\n\nLEELA\nYour Honour, it's all true: My female\nincompetence, Zapp's cat-like reflexes,\nthe stuff that made no sense, all of\nit.\n\n[The crowd gasps.]\n\nGLAB\nIn that case, Zapp Brannigan, I hereby\nrestore your rank and parking privileges.\n\n[She bangs her gavel and the crowd cheers. Fry hugs Bender and\nhigh-fives Leela.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, foo!\n\nZAPP\nCome, Kif, we've got work to do.\n\n[He mimes shaving his armpits and tosses Kif the razor. Kif sighs\nand turns to Leela.]\n\nKIF\nI-I'll call and tell you about it.\n\n[She sighs.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela looks over the railings and watches\nFry and Bender scrub the ship.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, I just want you to know that\neven though you're mean, you're the\nbest captain ever.\n\n[Leela smiles.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, you're one dynamite lady. Can\nwe have a week off?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nFRY\nPlease?\n\nBENDER\nCome on, Captain.\n\nLEELA\nOh, alright.\n\n[Farnsworth passes behind her.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo time off.\n\nFRY\nAw, man.\n\nLEELA\nLet's mutiny!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Head-In-The-Polls.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 207\n\n\"A HEAD IN THE POLLS\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: From The Makers Of Futurama.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with\ntheir feet up on the table. There are crumbs, Chinese take-away\nboxes and a burger on the table. A creepy Twilight Zone-esque\nshow starts on the TV. The opening titles are a star field background\nwith various objects flying past the camera.]\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over; on TV) You're entering\nthe vicinity of an area adjacent to\na location. The kind of place where\nthere might be a monster or some kind\nof weird mirror. These are just examples.\nIt could also be something much better.\nPrepare to enter The Scary Door. As\nper your request, please find enclosed\nthe last man on earth.\n\n[The camera stops moving. The man climbs some stairs into a public\nlibrary. The scene moves inside where the man walks between the\nbookshelves.]\n\nMAN\nFinally, solitude. I can read books\nfor all eternity. It's not fair! It's\nnot fair! Wait, my eyes aren't that\nbad. I can still read the large print\nbooks. It's not f --! Well, lucky I\nknow how to read Braille! Hey, look\nat that weird mirror!\n\n[Fry shudders.]\n\nBENDER\nCursed by his own hubris!\n\n[Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nThere's a political debate on! Quick,\nchange the channel!\n\nBENDER\nHey, that's what Fry said when we turned\non the debate!\n\n[Leela changes the channel herself. Two men who look remarkably\nalike stand at podiums. There are just two people in the audience.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voice-over; on TV) C-SPAN9 presents:\nThe Thrill Of Politics.\n\n[Fry and Bender snore. Leela sighs and slides Fry across the\ncouch and sits between them. They wake up.]\n\nLEELA\nLook, I know there are no car chases\nbut this is important. One of these\ntwo men will become president of the\nworld.\n\nFRY\nWhat do we care? We live in the United\nStates.\n\nLEELA\nThe United States is part of the world.\n\nFRY\nWow! I have been gone a long time.\n\n[One of the candidates, Jack Johnson, begins the debate.]\n\nJOHNSON\nIt's time someone had the courage to\nstand up and say: \"I'm against those\nthings that everybody hates\".\n\n[The other candidate is John Jackson.]\n\nJACKSON\nNow I respect my opponent. I think\nhe's a good man but, quite frankly,\nI agree with everything he just said!\n\nFRY\nThese are the candidates? They sound\nlike clones. Wait a minute. They are\nclones!\n\nLEELA\nDon't let their identical DNA fool you.\nThey differ on some key issues.\n\nJOHNSON\nI say your three cent titanium tax\ngoes too far.\n\nJACKSON\nAnd I say your three cent titanium\ntax doesn't go too far enough!\n\nFRY\nIf I were registered to vote, I send\nthese clowns a message by staying home\non election day and dressing up like\na clown.\n\nLEELA\nYou're not registered?\n\nFRY\nNope. Not vaccinated either! Besides.\nIt's not like one vote ever made a difference.\n\nLEELA\nThat's not true. The first robot president\nwon by exactly one vote.\n\nBENDER\nAh, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine.\nHe struck a cord with the voters when\nhe pledged not to go on a killing spree.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut, like most politicians, he promised\nmore than he could deliver.\n\nLEELA\nThe point is, one vote can make a difference\nand even though it won't, I'm still\ntaking you to get registered.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, that's a capital idea. Let's all\ngo register.\n\nFRY\nProfessor, when did you become so obsessed\nwith voting?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe very instant I became old.\n\n[Citihall. Two banners have been hung outside, one saying \"Voter\nRegistration\" and the other saying \"First 100 Customers Get Extra\nVote\". The Planet Express staff stand in the middle of a room.\nOn one side is Jack Johnson's party, the Tastycrats, and on the\nother is John Jackson's, the Fingerlicans.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe problem with both parties is that\nthey always want to give your tax dollars\nto the less fortunate.\n\nFRY\nThe less fortunate get all the breaks!\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou know, Fry, you could join a third\nparty, maybe.\n\n[Amy scoffs.]\n\nAMY\nOnly weirdos and mutants join third\nparties.\n\nZOIDBERG\nReally? I'd better keep an eye out at\nthe next meeting.\n\nFRY\nWhat party do you belong to, Bender?\n\nBENDER\nI'm not allowed to vote.\n\nFRY\n'Cause you're a robot?\n\nBENDER\nNo, convicted felon.\n\n[Time Lapse. Some of the other parties are the One Cell, One\nVote party which is represented by two amoebae; the Green Party,\nrepresented by five green aliens and the Brain Slug Party, represented\nby two people with Brain Slugs on their heads.]\n\nWOMAN\nWe favour unreasonably huge subsidies\nto the Brain Slug Planet.\n\nFRY\nOK, but what are the Brain Slugs who\ncontrol you gonna do for the working\nman?\n\nWOMAN\nAttach Brain Slugs to them.\n\nFRY\n(sarcastic) Sure, you say that now!\n\n[Amy looks at the Dudes For The Legalation Of Hemp party.]\n\nAMY\nSo, is it true you can make all kinds\nof shirts and ropes out of hemp?\n\nSTONED GUY\nDave's not here, man.\n\nAMY\nI also heard hemp makes great shampoo.\n\nSTONED GUY\nIt does? No way! I gotta check out this\nbrochure!\n\n[He picks up a burger and munches on it. Farnsworth is over at\nthe National Ray-Gun Association stand.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo what are you doing to protect my\nconstitutional right to bear doomsday\ndevices?\n\nN.R.A. MAN\nWell, first off, we're gonna get rid\nof that three-day waiting period for\nmad scientists.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDamn straight! Today, the mad scientist\ncan't get a doomsday device, tomorrow\nit's the mad grad student. Where will\nit end?\n\nN.R.A. MAN\nAmen, brother. I don't go anywhere without\nmy mutated anthrax......for duck hunting.\n\n[Zoidberg talks with a Neptunian at the People For The Ethical\nTreatment Of Humans stand.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSure, humans are cute, but how else\nare we supposed to test cosmetics?\n\n[Hermes has a Brain Slug attached to his head.]\n\nHERMES\nI concur.\n\n[Fry and Leela check out the Voter Apathy Party. The man sits\nat the stand, leaning his head on his hand.]\n\nFRY\nNow here's a party I can get excited\nabout. Sign me up!\n\nV.A.P. MAN\nSorry, not with that attitude.\n\nFRY\n(downbeat) OK then, screw it.\n\nV.A.P. MAN\nWelcome aboard, brother!\n\nFRY\n(excited) Alright!\n\nV.A.P. MAN\nYou're out.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Fry and Leela are back on the\ncouch.]\n\nFRY\nThat was pretty cool. I think I'm actually\nstarting to get interested in politics.\n\n[Leela turns the TV on for the election coverage, presented by\nMorbo and Linda. Fry and Bender fall asleep. In the studio, there\nis picture of the hardhat guy giving a thumbs up with a question\nmark above him and \"Decision 3000\" below him.]\n\nLINDA\nAnd so, with two weeks left in the\ncampaign, the question on everyone's\nmind is who will be the next president\nof Earth? Jack Johnson or bitter rival\nJohn Jackson? Two terrific candidates,\nhuh, Morbo?\n\nMORBO\nAll humans are vermin in the eyes of\nMorbo.\n\n[Linda laughs.]\n\nLINDA\nIn other local news, disaster struck\non Saturn's moon of Titan today, when\na titanium mine collapsed, trapping\n1,000 robot workers.\n\n[Bender wakes up.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat? Lord have mercy!\n\nLINDA\nUnless something is done quickly, the\ntrapped robots will be dead within 300\nyears. Sir, what rescue operations\nare planned?\n\nMINE SPOKESMAN\nThe plan is basically to pave over\nthe area and get on with our lives.\n\n[Bender gasps. The picture cuts back to the studio.]\n\nMORBO\nNews of the mines closing sent titanium\nprices skyrocketing.\n\nBENDER\nAlright! I'm rich!\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you talking about?\n\nBENDER\nMy body's 40% titanium! I'm finally\nricher than those snooty ATM machines.\n\nFRY\nToo bad you can't spend it.\n\nBENDER\n(ironic) Oh, can't I?\n\nFRY\nNo.\n\nBENDER\nWatch me, poor man.\n\n[Outside Rook Takes Pawnshop.]\n\nPAWNBROKER\n(from inside) Pleasure doing business\nwith you.\n\n[Bender laughs. The pawnbroker carries Bender's head out of the\nbuilding and sets it down on the pavement. Bender is holding\na wad of cash in his mouth.]\n\nBENDER\nGame's over, losers. I have all the\nmoney! Compare your lives to mine and\nthen kill yourselves! Hey, get away.\nShoo! I'll give you five dollars to\nnot do what you're thinking about doing.\nYou just lost five dollars!\n\n[Time Lapse. The dog has gone.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, buddy. Little help? (shouting)\nThank you!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Leela and\nFry are sat around the conference table. Fry is eating a bowl\nof Bachelor Chow. Bender's head flies through the window, bounces\noff the screen and lands in the middle of the table.]\n\nBENDER\nHello, peasants.\n\nLEELA\nBender? What happened to you?\n\nFRY\nYeah, you look different. Did you get\na haircut?\n\nBENDER\nNo, I sold my body.\n\n[He spits the cash out of his mouth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been\ndown that road. I know it's glamorous\nand the parties are great but you'll\nend up spending every dollar you make\non jewellery and skintight pants.\n\nFRY\nThis is crazy, Bender. How are you gonna\nlive without a body?\n\nBENDER\nPft. Bodies are for hookers and fat\npeople! All I need is a wad of cash\nwith a head wrapped around it.\n\nFRY\nWell, at least now you can pay off your\nloan shark.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, right. What's he gonna do, break\nmy legs?\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Fancy Pad. Bender lives the high life. He sits on a lilo in\na pool, reading Playbot with a lackey nearby.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, this is the life. Another martini,\nplease.\n\n[Time Lapse. At the bar the man pours the drinks straight into\nBender's head through his antenna hole.]\n\nBENDER\nShaken, not stirred. Aw, yeah!\n\n[Casino. Fry and Leela join Bender for a game of Roulette.]\n\nBENDER\nPut it all on black.\n\n[Fry slides Bender's chips down the table and knocks Bender onto\nthe wheel. He bounces around on it before it stops. His antenna\npoints to a number.]\n\nCROUPIER\n21 red. I beg your pardon, 33 black.\n\nBENDER\nYes! The rich get richer!\n\n[Bowling Alley. The machine returns Leela's ball, which looks\nlike an eye. Fry bowls Bender's head down the lane and it knocks\ndown all the pins.]\n\nBENDER\nStrike! In your face, Leela! Ow!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler runs through a door flap being\nchased by Bender in a little car. Amy and Zoidberg dive out of\nthe way of the car...]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. ...as Bender drives it\nthrough the doorway. He hits a gibbering Farnsworth in the shins.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Timber!\n\n[Farnsworth falls over.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Bender, can I take a ride in your\ncar?\n\nBENDER\nMaybe if you clean up first. It looks\nlike your neck stepped in something.\nOh, I'm sorry, that's just your body!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nFRY\nHey! You look me in the shins and say\nthat.\n\nBENDER\nI've had it up to here with this place.\nI'm off to the Head Museum to hang out\nwith classy heads like me who appreciate\nthe finer things: poetry, philosophy,\nhats. So long, coffin stuffers. Uh,\ncould one of you coffin stuffers please\ncarry me?\n\n[Head Museum: Hall of Celebrities. Fry, Bender and Leela pass\nthe heads of such movie stars as Charlie Chaplin, Jack Nicholson,\nTom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Clint Eastwood, Leonardo DiCaprio,\nSylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone; such B-movie stars as Mimi\nRogers, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Elvis, Eric Stoltz and Martin\nLawrence; such porn stars as Traci Lords, Ron Jeremy, Samuel\nGenitals, Jill Big Breasts and Long D. Silver and TV stars David\nDuchovny, Gillian Anderson, Tim Allen, Jerry Seinfeld, Lucille\nBall and Katey Sagal.]\n\nBENDER\nNow, which group of heads is good enough\nfor me to hang out with? What do you\nthink, Fry? Fry?\n\n[Fry is talking to Claudia Schiffer's head in the supermodels\nsection.]\n\nSCHIFFER\nHi, I'm Claudia Schiffer's head.\n\nFRY\nI recognise you. Didn't you used to\nhave a body of some sort?\n\nSCHIFFER\nYeah, but it was holding me back. You\nknow, I just did the cover of the Sports\nIllustrated Swimcap Issue.\n\n[Fry purrs.]\n\nFRY\nWell, you're looking great.\n\nSCHIFFER\nThanks. I wouldn't mind losing a few\npounds though.\n\nFRY\nCouldn't hurt.\n\n[Head Museum: Hall of Presidents.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, US presidents. Sturdy shelves,\ngood security. This place has class.\n\nCLINTON\n(to Leela) Hey, sugar cookie. You know,\nlegally, nothing I can do counts as\nsex anymore.\n\nFORD\nI apologise for his rudeness, ma'am.\nHe gets this way around meaty-looking\nwomen.\n\nFRY\n(to Clinton) Hey, I remember you. I\nwas gonna vote for you one time. But\nvoting isn't cool so I stayed home alone\nand got trashed on Listerine.\n\nFORD\nFrankly, I've never felt voting to be\nall that essential to the process.\n\nNIXON\nNo kidding, Ford.\n\n[Bender tells Washington an anecdote.]\n\nBENDER\nSo then the hookerbot says, \"That's\nnot my expansion slot\" and my friends\nsays, \"That's not my gold-plated 25-pin\nconnector!\"\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nWASHINGTON\nOh, Bender. Thou robots really cracketh\nme up.\n\nBENDER\nYou know, I like it here. What's the\nrent on one of these jars?\n\nBUSH SR.\nSorry, Bender, but we just can't allow\nevery Tom, Dick, and Harry to move in.\nNo offence, Jefferson, Nixon and Truman.\n\nCARTER\nMaybe Mr. Bender can get a spot in the\ncloset of presidential losers.\n\n[The closet is filled with the heads of Bob Dole, Lyndon LaRouche,\nWalter Mondale and Ross Perot as well as some cleaning supplies.]\n\nDOLE\nBob Dole needs company. LaRouche won't\nstop with the \"knock knock\" jokes.\n\nBENDER\nPass.\n\nWASHINGTON\nSo, telleth, Bender. What hath happened\nto your body?\n\nBENDER\nI hocked it.\n\nWASHINGTON\nHocked it? Why wouldst thou do that?\n\nBENDER\nSame reason you hocked your teeth.\n\nWASHINGTON\nAh. Booze money.\n\nNIXON\nI remember my body; flabby, pastey-skinned,\nriddled with phlebitis. A good Republican\nbody! God, I loved it.\n\nFRY\nI hear that. I spent most of my teen\nyears loving my body. Course, it was\ntough love but -- ooh!\n\n[Leela elbows him in the stomach.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, he opened up relations with China.\nHe doesn't want to hear about your ding-dong.\n\nBENDER\nSo, Nixon. Even if you miss your body,\nbeing a head's great too, right?\n\nNIXON\nNo, son. It's a sad and lonely life.\n\nBENDER\nOh, great. Now you tell me!\n\nNIXON\nThat's my style. I like to kick 'em\nwhen they're down!\n\n[Bender looks sad.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments: Bender's Bedroom. Bender's head has a\ntiny bed and he is wearing a nightcap. He tosses and turns. He\nstarts dreaming and 1's and 0's appear out of blackness.]\n\nBENDER\n(sleep-talking) Ones...zeros...one,\none, zero, zero, one --\n\n[The numbers appear faster and faster and he wakes up screaming.\nFry opens the door.]\n\nFRY\nBender, what is it?\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, what an awful dream. Ones and\nzeros everywhere. And I thought I saw\na two.\n\nFRY\nIt was just a dream, Bender. There's\nno such thing as two.\n\nBENDER\nI know what this is about. My body loved\nme, and I turned its back on it. Well,\nold friend, tie a yellow ribbon round\nyour neck, 'cause I'm a-comin' home!\n\n[Rook Takes Pawnshop. The next morning, Fry and Bender are back\nat the pawnshop. There is a metal detector, a TV, some suitcases\nand a guitar in the shop.]\n\nBENDER\nYou sold my body? To who?!\n\nPAWNBROKER\nI can't reveal that information, but\nyou look like a nice robot. Tell you\nwhat, I'll give you 50 bucks for the\nkid.\n\n[He starts counting out some cash.]\n\nFRY\nHey, my clothes are worth 50 bucks!\n\nPAWNBROKER\nDeal.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry is sat on the couch stark naked\nwith Bender, Leela and Farnsworth.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Oh! How could I let this happen?\nI can't go through the rest of my life\nlike this.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't you have a self-destruct button?\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Yeah, but it's on my body.\nWhat am I gonna do?\n\nFRY\nAh, I can't stand to see a robot cry.\nLet's watch TV!\n\n[He turns it on. Richard Nixon's head is giving a press conference.]\n\nNIXON\nAnd so, ladies and gentlemen, I'm throwing\nmy head into the ring. I'm announcing\nmy candidacy for the presidency of Earth.\n\n[Cut to: Nixon's Press Conference. The reporters wave their hands\nin the air.]\n\nJOURNALIST #1\nJust one question.\n\n[A man stands up.]\n\nCHANG\nScoop Chang, Beijing Bugle. Sir, the\nconstitution clearly states that nobody\ncan be elected president more than twice.\n\nNIXON\nThat's right, nobody. But as you can\nplainly see, I've got a shiny new body!\n\n[He starts dancing. His new body is Bender's old body, plus a\nnew red tie.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Gasps aplenty.]\n\nBENDER\nOh!\n\nLEELA\nBender, he's got your body!\n\nBENDER\nThat dirty, double-crossing bastard!\nHow dare he run off with Richard Nixon!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry has put on some new clothes.]\n\nLEELA\nNixon must have bought your body from\nthe pawn shop.\n\nFRY\nYeah, and that electric guitar.\n\n[Nixon plays Jefferson Airplane's White Rabbit.]\n\nNIXON\n(singing; on TV} Remember what the dormouse\nsaid\n\nFeed your head.\n\n(talking) I'm meeting you half way, you stupid hippies! [Cheers\nfrom the crowd.] I am not a crook's head!\n\nBENDER\nYeah you are, you stole my body! Fry,\nLeela, you gotta help me!\n\nLEELA\nOrdinarily I'd say no and lecture you\non how this is your own fault for being\nsuch an idiot. But when a robotic Nixon\nis on the loose, we have a duty to take\naction. Idiot.\n\n[Washington D.C. The Planet Express ship lands beside the Washington\nMonument and the much larger Clinton Monument.]\n\n[Presidential Debate. Jack Johnson, John Jackson and Nixon are\nat the debate, headed by Morbo.]\n\nMORBO\nMorbo will now introduce tonight's candidates:\nPuny Human #1, Puny Human #2, and Morbo's\ngood friend, Richard Nixon.\n\nNIXON\nHello, Morbo. How's the family?\n\nMORBO\nBelligerent and numerous.\n\nNIXON\nGood man. Nixon's pro-war and pro-family.\n\n[He takes a baby out of his chest cabinet and kisses it.]\n\nBENDER\nGreat. First he steals my body, now\nhe's touching my stuff.\n\nLEELA\nCome on. We've gotta find some way to\ntalk to him.\n\n[They sneak out.]\n\nMORBO\nMorbo demands an answer to the following\nquestion: If you saw delicious candy\nin the hands of a small child would\nyou seize and consume it?\n\nJOHNSON\nUnthinkable.\n\nJACKSON\nI wouldn't think of it.\n\nMORBO\nWhat about you, Mr. Nixon? I remind\nyou you are under a truth-o-scope.\n\n[The truth-o-scope hovers over Nixon's head and he starts to\nsweat.]\n\nNIXON\nUh, well, I, uh...the question is-is\nvague. You don't say what kind of candy,\nwhether anyone is watching or uh...\nAt any rate, I certainly wouldn't harm\nthe child.\n\n[The truth-o-scope beeps.]\n\n[Nixon's Dressing Room. He squirts cleaner on his jar and rubs\nit. His campaign manager is with him.]\n\nCAMPAIGN MANAGER\nYou scored big points tonight, sir.\n\nNIXON\nWhat are you talking about? They ate\nme alive out there.\n\nCAMPAIGN MANAGER\nYes, but your body stayed on message.\nAnd that message is, \"Look at my shiny\nnew body\". The robots ate it up. You've\ngot real charisma from the neck down.\n\nNIXON\nNixon with charisma? My God, I can rule\nthe universe!\n\n[Bender, Fry and Leela come out of a dirty laundry hamper.]\n\nBENDER\nGive me my body back you two-bit thief!\n\nNIXON\nNow look here, you drugged out communist.\nI paid for this body and I'd no sooner\nreturn it than I would my little cocker\nspaniel dog, Checkers. Shut up, damnit!\n\nFRY\nPlease, Mr. Nixon. We're appealing to\nyour sense of decency.\n\n[Everyone laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nThat was a good one!\n\nNIXON\nSeriously though, I'm never giving back\nthis body. Now beat it! Before I get\nCambodian on your asses!\n\n[Fxjkhr Monument. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the 60th president's\nmonument. He was a huge monster, and his statue shows him devouring\na person. There are skulls around his feet.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) It's hopeless. We might as\nwell turn in my head for the five cent\ndeposit.\n\nFRY\nNo way! I'm not letting my best friend\nget recycled. Not for five cents, not\nfor five hundred cents! Leela, I've\ngot a plan!\n\nLEELA\nI've got a better plan.\n\n[Outside Watergate Hotel. Fry and Leela, dressed in black, creep\naround the side of the building. The two carry a bag between\nthem with Bender's head inside. A searchlight moves past them\nand they freeze.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Why would Nixon stay at\nthe Watergate?\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) They give you a discount\nif you've been here before.\n\n[She shoots a grappling hook onto the roof. The hook scurries\nacross the roof, wraps itself around a pipe and gives the rope\na tug.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela hauls herself up the side of the building.]\n\nFRY\nKeep going, we're right behind you.\n\n[He's just holding onto her and letting her do all the climbing.\nBender looks through a window.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, mama! Get a room, you two!\n\nMAN\nWe're in a room!\n\nBENDER\nWell then lose some weight.\n\n[Leela pulls Fry onto a ledge and they pull back some curtains.\nNixon is asleep in front of a TV.]\n\nNIXON\n(sleep-talking) Aroo!\n\n[Cut to: Nixon's Hotel Room. Fry and Leela climb in.]\n\nNIXON\n(sleep-talking) Oh, yeah. You women's\nlibbers really know how to party!\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) Psst! There I am!\n\n[Leela starts unscrewing Nixon's jar from Bender's body.]\n\nNIXON\n(sleep-talking) Hey, Betty Friedan.\nSend a little of that lotion my way!\n\nLEELA\nOK, almost got it. Steady. Steady. Don't\npanic.\n\n[Fry is lying on a bed, not listening. He looks at a box beside\nthe bed marked \"Magic Tentacles\".]\n\nFRY\nOoh! Uh-oh!\n\n[The bed starts to shake and the tentacles throw Fry around.\nNixon wakes up and gasps.]\n\nNIXON\nWhat the...? You shaggy peaceniks have\nsome nerve!\n\nBENDER\nI'm just here for what's mine. Don't\nmake me kick your neck.\n\nNIXON\nBring it on, soup can.\n\n[They growl and start very slowly edging their way towards each\nother.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, break it up, you two!\n\n[She puts them on the couch.]\n\nNIXON\nThat's it. You're all going to jail.\nAnd don't expect me to grant a pardon\nlike that sissy, Ford.\n\nLEELA\nYou'll never pardon anybody because\nyou'll never get elected president.\nThe voters of Earth aren't the pea-brained\nidiots they were back in your time.\n\nNIXON\nOh, no? Well, listen here, missy. Computers\nmay be twice as fast as they were in\n1973 but your average voter is as drunk\nand stupid as ever. The only one who's\nchanged is me. I've become bitter and,\nlet's face it, crazy over the years.\nAnd once I'm swept into office, I'll\nsell our children's organs to zoos for\nmeat and I'll go into people's houses\nat night and wreck up the place.\n\n[He cackles.]\n\nFRY\nWell, he lost my vote.\n\nNIXON\nLike one vote ever made a difference.\nNow, if you'll excuse me, I'm going\nto inch myself over to the phone and\ncall the police.\n\n[He starts hopping his way over.]\n\nBENDER\nNot so fast, Nixon! Are you familiar\nwith audio tape?\n\n[He rewinds a tape in his head.]\n\nNIXON\nUh-oh. I don't like where this is heading.\n\nNIXON\nAnd I'll go into people's houses at\nnight and wreck up the place!\n\n[He cackles.]\n\nNIXON\nMy God? I really sound like that? I\nthought my voice had more of a Clark\nGable quality.\n\n[Leela takes the tape out of Bender's mouth.]\n\nLEELA\nThe jig's up, Nixon. We'll trade you\nthe tape for the body.\n\nNIXON\nOh, expletive deleted. You've got a\ndeal.\n\nFRY\nHey, I've got one last thought.\n\n[The magic tentacles grab him and start throwing him around again.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on\nthe couch holding Earth flags. Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, it's good to be back in one piece\nagain. Except I can't get these damn\nbumper stickers off.\n\n[He turns around and shows them his \"Nixon's Head's The One\"\nand \"Impeach This!\" bumper stickers.]\n\nLINDA\nThe sheer drama of this election has\ndriven voter turnout to it's highest\nlevel in centuries -- 6%\n\nMORBO\nExit polls show evil underdog Richard\nNixon trailing with an estimated zero\nvotes.\n\nLEELA\nYes! The system works!\n\nLINDA\nThe time is 7:59 and the robot polls\nare now opening...and the robot vote\nis in. Nixon has won!\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\nFRY\nWhat?\n\nBENDER\nGet out of town!\n\nFRY\nWhy would robots vote for Nixon now\nthat he's just a head in a jar?\n\n[Cut to: Nixon's Campaign Headquarters.]\n\nCAMPAIGN MANAGER\nI give you the next president of Earth!\n\n[Nixon comes through the flag with his head atop a massive robot\nbody. He steps on his campaign manager and crushes her.]\n\nNIXON\n(shouting) Nixon's back!\n\n[His robot supporters cheer.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI can't believe it. He won by a single\nvote.\n\nBENDER\nWell it ain't my fault. I'm a non-voting\nfelon, thank you.\n\nFRY\nWell it's not my fault either 'cause\nI forgot to vote.\n\nLEELA\nOh, crud. I knew there was something\nI meant to do today.\n\nMORBO\nMorbo congratulates out gargantuan\ncyborg president. May death come quickly\nto his enemies.\n\n[Linda chuckles.]\n\n[Washington D.C. Street. People run away as Nixon uproots trees\nand crushes cars to Hail to the Chief.]\n\nNIXON\nAroo! Who's kicking who around now?\nAroo! Aroooo!\n\n[Cut to: Outside White House.]\n\nNIXON\nKnock knock!\n\n[He pounds down the wall with his fists, walks in and laughs.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Xmas-Story.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 208\n\n\"XMAS STORY\"\n\nBy\n\nDavid X. Cohen\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Based On a True Story.]\n\n[Catskills Ski Lodge. The whole Planet Express staff are on a\nski holiday. The room is packed with people waiting for a show.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen: Conan O'Brien's\nhead.\n\n[The audience cheer.]\n\nO'BRIEN\nThank you, thank you. Let's get started.\nMax, play me over. Looks like someone\nforgot to feed Max. So, people are\ngetting pretty worried about this Y2K\nproblem, huh?\n\nBENDER\nNo. they fixed that 900 years ago.\n\nO'BRIEN\nJust bear with me, sir. Anyway, I'm\nwalking to work this morning--\n\nBENDER\nI doubt it!\n\nO'BRIEN\nListen, pal, I may have lost my freakishly\nlong legs in the war of 2012 but I've\nstill got something you'll never have:\nA soul!\n\nBENDER\nEh.\n\nO'BRIEN\nAnd freckles! Well, I'm out of material.\nYou can catch me next week at the Andromeda\nChuckle Hut. Enjoy your breakfast.\n\n[The audience applauds.]\n\n[Mountains. The staff are geared up for skiing. They walk away\nfrom the lodge.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, lets face it: Comedy's a dead art\nform. Now tragedy ... ... That's funny!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCome on, everyone. Perhaps some skiing\nwill help us forget the mouldy old antics\nof Conan O'Brien.\n\nAMY\nYeah!\n\nLEELA\nGreat idea!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWe can only hope!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela are on the ski lift.]\n\nFRY\nThis snow is beautiful. I'm glad global\nwarming never happened.\n\nLEELA\nActually it did. But thank God nuclear\nwinter cancelled it out.\n\n[The lift tips them off and they ski over to Bender.]\n\nFRY\nHi!\n\nBENDER\nEnough of your mindless chitchat, let's\nget going.\n\n[Hermes and Zoidberg are on the ski lift but it isn't moving.]\n\nHERMES\nJah damnit! We're stuck.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAt least you're not cold blooded!\n\n[He puts a glove over his mouth.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet lion of Zion! Look at the Professor\ngo.\n\n[He points at Farnsworth who is skis well. He is actually asleep.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela ski.]\n\nFRY\nLook out! We're heading straight for\nthose trees!\n\nLEELA\nYeah, yeah, relax. Trees down.\n\nTREES\n(mechanical voice) Trees down.\n\n[The trees go down and Fry and Leela ski over them.]\n\nFRY\nCool. Hey what do you do if you want\nthe trees up?\n\nTREES\n(mechanical voice) Trees up\n\n[The trees go up and one takes Fry with it. He is stuck at the\ntop of one.]\n\nFRY\n(hoarse) Trees down!\n\nTREES\n(mechanical voice) Trees down.\n\n[They go back down and Fry gets buried under the snow with one.\nBender speeds past on a snowboard. He is wearing a red and blue\nhat and has a cigar in his mouth.]\n\nBENDER\nLookin' good, meatball!\n\n[A man skis alongside Bender.]\n\nMAN\nExcuse me, sir, you're snowboarding\noff the trail.\n\nBENDER\nLick my frozen metal ass. Uh-oh!\n\n[He falls over the edge of a cliff and screams as he falls towards\na frozen lake. Children skate on the ice. Bender plummets straight\nthrough the surface. The ice around cracks and the children fall\nin. They scream.]\n\nCHILD\n(shouting) Mommy!\n\n[Zoidberg skis with his feet on one ski and his claws on another.\nHe comes to a stop at the bobsled run. Hermes is in a bobsled\ncar and Fry stands behind him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou, a bobsledder? That I'd like to\nsee!\n\nHERMES\nListen, you filthy crab, a thousand\nyears ago there was a legendary team\nof Jamaican bobsledders.\n\nFRY\nYup, I remember. They came in last at\nthe Olympics then retired to promote\nalcoholic beverages.\n\nHERMES\nA true inspiration for the children.\nUm, a little help please? (screaming)\nNooo!\n\n[Zoidberg laughs, slips, falls and slides down the track after\nHermes. Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nOh, what the hell! Ow!\n\n[Catskills Ski Lodge. Amy is chats up a man in a cast.]\n\nAMY\nYou poor man. What happened to you?\n\nMAN\nWell, there I was on the triple diamond\nslope, when suddenly--\n\nAMY\nOh, excuse me. Hello there.\n\n[Farnsworth skis into the lodge and wakes up to discover a bronze\nmedal around his neck.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha?\n\n[Time Lapse. The staff all sport various injuries and sit around\na blazing fire with their feet up.]\n\nBENDER\nAh! Nothing like a warm fire and a Super\nSoaker of fine cognac.\n\n[He squirts some into his mouth.]\n\nFRY\nYeah, it really puts you in the Christmas\nspirit.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat-mas?\n\nFRY\nChristmas. You know? X-M-A-S.\n\nLEELA\nOh, you mean Xmas. You must be using\nan archaic pronunciation. Like when\nyou say \"ask\" instead of \"aks\".\n\nFRY\nXmas, huh? Y'know this'll be my first\nXmas away from home.\n\nLEELA\nHey, hey. Let me aks you something:\nWould it cheer you up if we went and\ncut down an Xmas tree?\n\nFRY\nYeah! An old-fashioned Xmas tree!\n\n[Forest. Fry seems disappointed that Xmas trees are palm trees.]\n\nFRY\nHey! These aren't Xmas trees!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEh wha?\n\nFRY\nThey're supposed to be some kinda, you\nknow, pine tree.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPine trees have been extinct for 800\nyears, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle\nand your primitive notions of modesty.\nAh! Brisk!\n\nFRY\nThis isn't the way Christmas is supposed\nto be.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere, there.\n\n[He leans against Fry and pats his shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nEverything's changed.\n\nLEELA\nThat's not true.\n\n[She swings an axe and a laser on the end cuts through a palm\ntree. It falls.]\n\n[The ship flies across New New York with the Xmas tree tied to\nthe roof. It lands in the Planet Express hangar.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room. Zoidberg puts down a box marked\n\"Xmas Decorations\" and cuts the tape with his claw. Bender rocks\nback and forth in a chair with Nibbler on his lap.]\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nXmas tree oh Xmas tree! Bah boo bee\nboo bah bee boh.\n\n[Leela sits on the arm of a couch in front of the fire and Fry\nsits next to her on the couch. The Xmas tree is in the middle\nof the room. Farnsworth leads a string of lights around the bottom\nof the trunk. Amy takes a star out of a box and uses a jet pack\nto get to the top of the tree. She hits her head on the ceiling.\n\nAMY\nOw!\n\nFRY\n(nostalgic) Every Christmas my mom would\nget a fresh goose for goose burgers\nand my dad would whip up his special\neggnog out of bourbon and ice cubes.\nThis dumb holiday just makes me think\nof all the things I left behind. Let's\njust stop talking about Xmas.\n\n[Enter Hermes with some envelopes.]\n\nHERMES\nHappy Xmas, Xmas people! Xmas cards\nhave arrived! Xmas! Amy, there you\ngo, Fry, Professor, Zoidberg, a mighty\nhaul for Bender.\n\nBENDER\nYes! I got the most! I win Xmas!\n\nHERMES\nAnd last, but not least, the sweet flower\nof the office: Me. Hermes Conrad.\n\n[Leela is disappointed. Bender looks at his card. On the front\nis an ASCII Xmas tree.]\n\nBENDER\nHmm. Ah, a picture of my mommy.\n\nZOIDBERG\nHuh? What's this? A card from my cousin\nZoidfarb. Instead of \"Claus\" he writes\n\"Claws\"! Now that's humorous. Today's\ncomedians could learn from this card.\n\n[Leela watches the others. She sighs and walks out.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Leela opens her locker and gets\nout a photo album. She looks at photos of her childhood. One\nshows her as a baby in an area marked \"Abandoned Property\". Another\nshows her outside the Orphanarium, smiling. Children point at\nher and laugh. Another shows her at her senior prom with no date.\nShe closes the album and a tear falls onto it.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's the point of Xmas when everyone\nyou know died a thousand years ago?\nI'm the lonliest person on Earth. Hey,\nLeela, how 'bout a little sympathy here,\nhuh? Yoiks! What was that about?\n\nAMY\nFluh! She's an orphan.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, and the only one of her species\nin all the known universe. What a lonely\nlife.\n\n[He walks off shaking his head.]\n\nFRY\nMy God! Poor Leela.\n\nBENDER\n(upbeat) Hey, buddy, heard you needed\ncheering up! Well old Bender'll make\nyou laugh. Look at me look! Oh, man,\nI gotta work on my act!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry has taken off his jacket.]\n\nFRY\nI feel like a rat. Here I am whining\nlike a pig while all along Leela was\nlonely as a frog. I could kick myself.\n\nAMY\nI'll do it for you.\n\n[She kicks him in the shin.]\n\nFRY\nOw! Thanks.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou should be ashamed of yourself, Fry.\nYou'd have to be blind not to notice\nthat Leela's a cyclops.\n\n[He is actually talking to Hermes.]\n\nHERMES\nFry's over there, man.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh?\n\n[He adjust his glasses and looks around the room. Bender sits\nin a chair with his feet up.]\n\nBENDER\nXmas Eve; Another day where I accomplish\nnothing.\n\n[He slurps brandy and turns the TV on to the news.]\n\nLINDA\nThe holiday season is a time of celebration\nfor most. But it is also a time to remember\nthe tragic suffering of the less fortunate.\n\nMORBO\nEarthlings do not yet know the meaning\nof suffering.\n\n[He cackles. Linda chuckles.]\n\nLINDA\nEarlier today I visited a shelter for\ndown-and-out robots. Homeless robots,\ntoo poor to afford even the basic alchohol\nthey need to fuel their circuits. Is\nthere anything sadder? Only drowning\npuppies. And there would have to be\na lot of them.\n\n[Bender heads for the door.]\n\nAMY\nWhere are you going, Bender?\n\nBENDER\nTo volunteer at a liquor kitchen for\nhomeless robots.\n\nHERMES\nYeah, right! As if you ever did anything\ncharitable.\n\nBENDER\nI'm very generous. What about that time\nI gave blood?\n\nFRY\nWhose blood?\n\nBENDER\nSome guy's.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\nFRY\nI've got to do something to show Leela\nhow sorry I am.\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo what's the problem? Just get down\non your claws and do the apology dance.\n\n[He starts scuttling and singing.]\n\nFRY\nSo it's left, left, right-- Wait! I\nhave a better idea! I'll go out and\nget her the perfect Xmas present. Something\nso great she'll never want to be unhappy\nagain.\n\nHERMES\nJust be back by sundown, mon.\n\nFRY\nWe'll see. I like to haggle.\n\nAMY\nYou can't stay out on Xmas Eve. You'll\nbe killed!\n\nFRY\nSay what?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood Lord! He doesn't know about Santa\nClaus.\n\nFRY\nI know about Santa Claus.\n\n[He winks.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBack in 2801, the Friendly Robot Company\nbuilt a robotic Santa to determine who'd\nbe naughty and who'd been nice and distribute\npresents accordingly. But something\nwent wrong.\n\nFRY\nWow! 2801! Anyway...\n\n[He turns to leave.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWait, you fool! Due to a programming\nerror, Santa's standards were set too\nhigh and he invariably judges everyone\nto be naughty.\n\nAMY\nIf he catches you after dark, he'll\nchop off your head and stuff your neck\nfull of toys from his sack of horrors.\n\n[Fry gulps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNice meeting you.\n\n[New New York City Street. Bender is dressed as a homeless robot,\nwearing a torn woollen hat and fingerless gloves. He walks into\nOur Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen.]\n\n[Cut to: Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is greeted\nby the Preacherbot.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nWelcome, brother! May the blessings\nof the season be upon you.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, yeah, amen. Listen, I'm one of\nthose lazy homeless bums I've been hearing\nabout. Could you point me to the free\nbooze. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!\n\n[Alien Overlord & Taylor. The department store advertises and\nXmas Sale with \"3% Off\".]\n\nFRY\nThere's this girl who I really like\nbut she thinks I'm a jerk. Can you help\nme?\n\nSALESMAN #1\nYeah, there's a suicide booth in the\nfood court. Though there's a line this\ntime of year.\n\nFRY\nNo, I need to get her a gift. And I\nneed it before sundown.\n\nSALESMAN #1\nWell, you can't go wrong with something\ntraditional. A Surface-to-Santa rocket\nlauncher. It comes with three jolly-seeking\nmissiles.\n\n[Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nThat's funny!\n\n[A missile points itself at Fry.]\n\nSALESMAN #1\nCareful, sir!\n\n[Our Motherboard Of Mercy Liquor Kitchen. Bender is finishing\noff his seventh bowl of liquor.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah! You filthy hobos sure kow\nhow to live. Hey, chief, someone's\nstealing your handkerchief full of crap.\n\n[The robot turns around and Bender steals his bowl. A little\nrobot with a leg missing holds out a bowl to the Preacherbot.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nExcuse me, sir? Might I have a sip of\nbooze?\n\nPREACHERBOT\nI'm sorry, Tinny Tim. Seems we ran out\nearly tonight.\n\nTINNY TIM\nI understand.\n\n[He turns, coughs, and limps away.]\n\nBENDER\nMy God! That poor kid!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Joe's Ark Pet Store.]\n\nFRY\nYou're the last store open. I need something\nfor my friend Leela. Just give me your\nbest animal.\n\nSALESMAN #2\nBest? Well that's a matter of opinion.\nI personally like the Electric Snail.\n\n[He picks up the snail in a jar. It's shell sparks with electricity.]\n\nFRY\nThat's a stupid animal. You're stupid!\nI said I want the best one. Now which\ncosts more? The parrot or the Stink\nLizard?\n\nSALESMAN #2\nThe lizards are a buck each, the parrot\nis $500.\n\n[Fry whistles.]\n\nFRY\nThat's a hell of a good parrot. Although,\nI could get 500 lizards for the same\nprice. Girls like swarms of lizards,\nright?\n\nSALESMAN #2\nSir, the store is closing in two minutes.\n\nFRY\nAlright, I'll take the 500 lizards.\nNo, wait, yes. No. Yes. Yes. Yes! The\nparrot!\n\n[The parrot squawks.]\n\n[Outside Joe's Ark Pet Store. Fry walks away with his parrot\nand the shop closes.]\n\nFRY\nWell, I spent every penny I had but\nI bet Leela's gonna love you. Hey,\nyou're quite the talker, aren't you?\nShut the hell up! Ow! Stupid bird!\nI know where you live.\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy ties a ribbon around an present.\nShe holds the knot with her finger and Zoidberg cuts off the\nexcess. On the other side of the room, Farnsworth and Hermes\nplay chess naked. Enter Leela.]\n\nAMY\nHey, it's Leela.\n\nLEELA\nSorry I stormed out before. I didn't\nmean to ruin everyone's Xmas.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHuh? You were gone?\n\nLEELA\nIt's just that I get tired of Fry always\nonly thinking of himself.\n\nHERMES\nI hear that! I aks him to set the table.\nInstead he goes out to buy you a present.\nSelfish dog.\n\nLEELA\nWait! You mean he's still out? His life's\nin danger!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhy?\n\nLEELA\nI'm telling you why. Santa Claus is\ncoming to town!\n\n[New New York City Street. The parrot flies towards a tall building\nwith a large digital clockface. Fry looks up at it from the street.]\n\nFRY\nAlright, bird, you thought you could\nbeat me in a game of wits. But you just\nmet your equal.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Building. Fry opens a hatch and steps out onto\nthe clock face. He drops the cage and gulps. The parrot edges\naway from him. He steps closer to it. The parrot moves to the\nvery edge.]\n\nFRY\nAha! Cornered!\n\n[He leaps for the bird but it flies away before he can get a\nhold of it. He loses his balance and falls. He grabs onto the\n2 on the clock. It changes to a 3 then a 4. He falls a little\nfurther. It changes to a 5, a 6 and then a 7. With nothing to\nhold onto he falls. Leela grabs him from a hatch.]\n\nLEELA\nHi there!\n\nFRY\nLeela! Oh, my God! You saved my life.\nI am gonna get you so many lizards.\n\n[New New York City Street. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]\n\nLEELA\nYou didn't need to buy me a present,\nFry.\n\nFRY\nI just wanted to do something to make\nyou happy. I mean, I miss my family\nbut you never even had a family.\n\nLEELA\nIt's OK. You're lonely and I'm lonely.\nBut together we're lonely together.\n\n[They hold hands.]\n\nFRY\nMerry Xmas, Leela.\n\nLEELA\nMerry Xmas.\n\n[A huge shadow creeps over them followed by two loud bangs. They\nturn around.]\n\nFRY\nOh, boy! It's Santa!\n\n[Santa's eyes turn around 180-degrees, making him look angry.]\n\nSANTA\nHo, ho, ho! You've been very naughty,\nFry and Leela. I checked my list.\n\nFRY\nWell check it twice!\n\nSANTA\nI perform over 50 mega-checks per second.\nYou're both naughty for disregarding\neach other's feelings.\n\nLEELA\nBut we set things right. Fry even risked\nhis life to get me a present.\n\nSANTA\nBut what about your other co-workers?\nDid either of you ever stop to think\nabout Dr. Zoidberg's feelings?\n\nFRY\nNo! I swear!\n\nSANTA\nSanta has something very special in\nhis sack for you two!\n\n[Fry smiles. Santa pulls out a laser gun and shoots them. They\nscream and run away.]\n\n[Outside Hattie's House. Bender and some other robots are singing\ncarols.]\n\nROBOTS\n(singing) So lock the door and hit the\nfloor,\n\n'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.\n\n[Hattie claps.]\n\nHATTIE\nGo away!\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, hold on! How about inviting us\nin for a traditional glass of hard cider?\n\nHATTIE\nOh, alright. But just one glass! (from\ninside) OK, that's enough. I said that's\nenough!\n\nBENDER\n(from inside) Get her purse!\n\n[New New York City Street. Fry and Leela are still running from\nSanta. They jump to the ground and Santa swoops over them in\nhis sleigh, turns around and heads back towards them.]\n\nFRY\nPlease let us live! We'll put out milk\nand cookies for you!\n\nSANTA\nYou dare bribe Santa? I'm going to shove\ncoal so far up your stocking you'll\nbe coughing up diamonds!\n\n[He throws a bauble-bomb at Fry and Leela. They run into an alcove\nand it explodes. Santa flies his sleigh around ready for the\nkill. Leela tries a door but it's locked.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're trapped.\n\nFRY\nI never thought it would end this way:\nGunned down by Santa Claus. Honestly,\nI didn't see it coming!\n\n[Santa gets closer. Fry and Leela crouch down in a corner.]\n\nLEELA\nGoodbye, Fry.\n\nFRY\nGoodbye, Leela. Hey, look: We're under\nthe mistletoe.\n\n[Leela looks up and they both look at each other. They move towards\neach other to kiss.]\n\nSANTA\nYour mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W.\nmissile!\n\n[He shoots at them. Fry and Leela scream. The parrot flies in\nfront of the alcove and gets hit by the missile and explodes.\nFeathers flutter down.]\n\nFRY\nUh, you're present may need some assembly.\n\n[Elsehwhere, Bender and the other robots are carrying lots of\nstuff.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) On the 4th day of Xmas I stole\nfrom that lady.\n\nROBOT #1\n(singing) Four family photos.\n\nTINNY TIM\n(singing) Three jars of pennies.\n\nROBOT #2\n(singing) Two former husbands.\n\nBENDER\n(singing) And a slipper on a shoe tree.\n\n[He throws the slipper down the sewer. Raoul waves through the\ngate.]\n\nRAOUL\nOh, thank you!\n\n[Fry and Leela come running down the street.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Help!\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Somebody help us.\n\nTINNY TIM\nIt's humans. Shall we mug them, robot\nsir?\n\nBENDER\nNo, wait, I know these guys. They got\nnothing.\n\n[Bender runs towards Fry and Leela. Santa flies over them.]\n\nSANTA\nHo ho ho! You've been very naughty,\nBender.\n\nBENDER\nWhat? Me? I didn't do nothing. You're\nthinking of the kid.\n\n[He points at Tinny Tim.]\n\nSANTA\nMy God, Bender! Framing an orphan? That's\nso naughty I'll have to add it to my\nlist right now. Framing ... I-N-G ...\n... an ...\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy, Hermes, Farnsworth and Zoidberg\nare sat under the Xmas Tree exchanging gifts.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAmy, this is for you: A set of combs\nfor your beautiful hair.\n\nAMY\nOh, that's so sweet. But I sold my hair\nto a wigmaker so I could buy a set of\ncombs for Hermes.\n\n[She pulls her hat off revealing she is bald.]\n\nHERMES\nOh, the irony. I sold my hair so I could\nbuy this third set of combs for Zoidberg.\n\n[He pulls his hat off. He is also bald.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThank you. These'll come in handy for\nmy new hair. Finally I look as pretty\nas I feel!\n\nFRY\n(shouting; from outside) Help!\n\nLEELA\n(shouting; from outside) Help!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting; from outside) Help!\n\n[The staff look through the window. Fry, Leela and the robots\nare still being chased by Santa. They run towards the Planet\nExpress building.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, dear. They'll be killed on our doorstep.\nAnd there's no trash pickup until January\n3rd.\n\n[Enter Fry, Leela and the robots. There is a crash on the roof.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet manatee of Galilee! He's on the\nroof!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nQuick! The armour-plated chimney cover!\nPush! Push!\n\nBENDER\nUse teamwork!\n\n[The chimney is nearly covered when Santa sticks a candy cane\nthrough a gap and rolls the cover back. The crew gasp. Santa\nand the reindeer fly in.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nOh, dear! Oh, dear!\n\n[Hermes dives behind the sofa.]\n\nSANTA\nYou've all been very naughty. Very naughty\nindeed. Except you, Dr. Zoidberg, this\nis for you.\n\n[He hands Zoidberg a gift.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nA pogo-stick!\n\n[He giggles and bounces around the room.]\n\nSANTA\nAs for the rest of you, I'm going to\ntear off your skin like wrapping paper\nand deck the halls with your guts.\n\nBENDER\nYeah? Well I don't believe in Santa\nClaus. Come on, everybody, if you don't\nbelieve in him he can't hurt you. Ow!\nGod! The pain!\n\nSANTA\nHo ho ho! Time to get jolly on your\nnaughty asses!\n\n[He laughs maniacly.]\n\nLEELA\nWatch out! His belly is shaking like\na bowl full of nitro-glycerine!\n\n[A reindeers nose beeps and flashes red.]\n\nAMY\nRudolph's nose!\n\nFRY\n(shouting) He's gonna blow.\n\n[Everyone screams. Zoidberg cuts a wire hanging from the Xmas\ntree.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAha!\n\n[The wire falls and electrocutes Santa. Leela kicks him and the\nrest of the staff use the Xmas tree to push him and his sleigh\ninto the chimney. The robots cover it with the armour-plated\ncover. The reindeer beeps faster and the cover rocks as Santa\nexplodes.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Santa, the sleigh and the reindeer\nfly upwards away from the building.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express crew, LaBarbara\nand the homeless robots are sat around the table talking.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, good thing I got us out of that\none!\n\n[Bender brings a covered plate in from the kitchen.]\n\nBENDER\nXmas dinner, everyone.\n\n[He pulls the cover off. The dinner is the exploded parrot.]\n\nFRY\nUh, Bender? Where did you get that bird?\n\nBENDER\nI found it lying in the street, like\nall the food I cook. Dig in, everyone.\n\n[He cuts a piece off and puts it on Tinny Tim's plate.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nThank you, sir.\n\nBENDER\nYou got the toenail! Oh!\n\nFRY\nLook, the food isn't what's important.\n\nTINNY TIM\nI'm so hungry.\n\nFRY\nThe important thing is we're all together\nfor Xmas. And even though I'm surrounded\nby robots and monsters and old people,\nI've never felt more at home.\n\nFARNSOWRTH\nHear, hear! Now let's all of us shut\nup and sing!\n\n[They gather around a piano.]\n\nAMY (SINGING)\nHe knows when you are sleeping.\n\nFARNSWORTH (SINGING)\nHe knows when you're on the can.\n\nLEELA (SINGING)\nHe'll hunt you down and blast your ass\nfrom here to Pakistan.\n\nZOIDBERG (SINGING)\nOh.\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nYou'd better not breathe, You'd better\nnot move.\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nYou're better off dead, I'm telling\nyou, dude.\n\nFRY (SINGING)\nSanta Claus is gunning you down!\n\n[Everyone cheers. Farnsworth takes off his lab coat, exposing\nhimself again.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMerry Xmas, everyone!\n\n[He joins the others at the piano and it snows again outside.]\n\n[Closing Credits. A version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas\nplays. Santa and his reindeer fly by.]\n\nSANTA\nI'll be back. Back when you least expect\nit: Next Xmas! Ho ho ho!"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Why-Must-I-Be-A-Crustacean-In-Love.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 209\n\n\"WHY MUST I BE A CRUSTACEAN IN LOVE?\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: From the network that brought you\n\"The Simpsons\".]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. An advertisement plays on TV. A plumberbot\nreaches down a toilet with his arm and a jingle plays.]\n\nSINGERS\nCall Robo-Rooter when you flush your\ntowel ...\n\nPLUMBERBOT\n... And we can also help with an impacted\nbowel.\n\n[He whirls his hand around.]\n\nSINGERS\nRobo-Rooter!\n\n[Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender drinks back beer while\nFry eats something.]\n\nFRY\nMmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a\nthousand years of progress: A Bavarian\ncreamdog that's also self-microwaving!\n\n[He presses a button on the side of the creamdog and it microwaves\nitself, as well as Fry's face, which is left with black scorch\nmarks. He takes another bite. Bender tip his empty bottle upside-down.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the\nenergy to get myself another beer.\nOh, what is this? The Middle Ages?\n\n[He just about manages to move under the stream of beer. Enter\nAmy and Leela in gym gear.]\n\nLEELA\nLook at you guys. No offence, Fry, but\nyou've become a fat sack of crap.\n\n[Fry licks some cream off his finger.]\n\nFRY\nSack?\n\nAMY\nAnd, Bender, your beer belly's so big\nyour door won't even close. And that\ndoesn't even make sense.\n\nLEELA\nCome on. We're taking you pigs to the\ngym.\n\n[Enter Zoidberg wearing a vest and sweatbands around his head\nan wrists.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe gymnasium? Excellent, excellent.\nFor some reason I'm frisky as a squid\non Tuesday.\n\n[He clacks his claws.]\n\n[Outside NNY Dumbell Club. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg\nwalk into the gym. A sign in a gym window advertises \"New - Windowless\nRooms For Ugly Exercisers\".]\n\n[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club. They pass some gym patrons, including\na six-legged alien on a running machine, a woman using a Kegelcizer\nand a punch bag with arms and gloves repeatedly punching Larry\nin the stomach.]\n\nAMY\nHey, who's up for a nice hot steam?\n\n[Zoidberg shakes his head.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWe crustaceans don't like steam. I'm\ngoing to go work out with the Nautilus!\n\n[A nautilus appears behind him with a basketball.]\n\nNAUTILUS\nWhat up, Dr. Z?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYo, yo, yo! Whassup whassup! Give up\nthe rock!\n\n[The Nautilus passes him the ball and Zoidberg runs off chuckling.]\n\n[NNY Dumbell Club Steam Room. Leela, Amy and Fry relax in the\nsteam.]\n\nFRY\nCo-ed steam rooms! I love the future!\n\nLEELA\nUh, Fry, you're in the womens' steam\nroom.\n\nFRY\nAh, futuristic!\n\nAMY\nPsst, look what life was like before\ngenetic engineering.\n\nLEELA\nThose poor 20th century women.\n\n[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]\n\n[Outside Steam Room. Amy walks out of the steam room with a towel\nwrapped around her and sees a man in a steam machine.]\n\nAMY\n(sexfully) Hey, handsome. Is there room\nin there for two?\n\n[The man snorts.]\n\nMAN\nYou wish!\n\n[The machine opens and there really is no room for Amy. The man\nhas a huge blubbery gut that has been forced into the shape of\nthe machine. He gets out of the machine and his gut falls back\ninto its natural shape. Amy shudders.]\n\n[NNY Dumbell Club Weight Room. Fry lifts some weights. Enter\nLeela.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Leela, look who's the super-stud!\n\nLEELA\nHmm, somebody must have turned down\nthe gravity. I'll fix it for you.\n\n[She turns the Gravistat from \"Lo\" to \"Norm\". Fry drops the weights\non his neck and starts to choke. Enter Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nGive me that. More weight!\n\n[Leela and Bender put some more weights on the end. A big fin\ncomes out of the top of Zoidberg's head like The Creature From\nThe Black Lagoon.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz\non your head?\n\nZOIDBERG\nEnough with the questions. More weight!\nMore! More!\n\n[He growls and his pupils go crazy.]\n\nLEELA\nMaybe you could do more rips with less\nweight.\n\n[Zoidberg growls and cuts the dumbell. Amy and Fry scream and\nfall to the ground.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming\nout of his shell. Get it? He's coming\nout--\n\n[Zoidberg gets up and knocks Bender over then runs rampage around\nthe room, knocking over equipment and people.]\n\n[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Bike Room. People calmly pedal on the\nexercise bikes. Enter a growling Zoidberg, making them peddle\nfaster, not really going anywhere.]\n\n[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Pregnercise Pool. Randy leads a session\nin the pool full of pregnant women.]\n\nRANDY\nNice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary\nstress. Is there a doctor in the gym?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm a doctor!\n\n[Randy trembles and four more women give birth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg sits on the lab table\nwith his claws bound. The rest of the staff stand around him.]\n\nLEELA\nI wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting\nthis way. Out of all of us he always\nseemed the most normal.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI am normal. (sexfully) Amy, take of\nthese rubber bands and I'll show you\nhow normal I am!\n\n[Amy's clothes have been ripped to shreds and her hair is a mess.]\n\nAMY\nFool me seven times, shame on you. Fool\nme eight or more times, shame on me.\n\nFRY\nMaybe he has a parasite.\n\nHERMES\nMaybe he is a parasite!\n\nBENDER\nIt's always so sad when a friend goes\ncrazy and you have to have a big clam-bake\nand cook him! Yee-haw!\n\n[He puts his chef hat on. Farnsworth walks past with a syringe.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow, now, this won't do. Let me just\ngive old Zoidy a sedative.\n\n[He tries to poke the syringe needle into Zoidberg but it just\nbreaks on his shell.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh, much better. You can take off these\nrubber bands now.\n\nAMY\nI'll do it.\n\nLEELA\n(simultaneously) Stop!\n\nFRY\n(simultaneously) No, Amy!\n\nBENDER\nMoron!\n\n[Farnsworth puts a stethoscope on Zoidberg's head.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMm-hm... Oh-ho! Aha! There's the problem.\n\nZOIDBERG\nGive it to me straight, Professor. Is\nit fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it?\nTell me it's not fin rot!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nRelax, my chiton-y chum. There's no\nproblem. You're just heavy with male\njelly.\n\nLEELA\nBleck!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt must be mating season for Zoidberg's\npeople. A chaotic time when his behaviour\nis dictated by the tiny brain in his\nrump.\n\nFRY\nEck!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere's only one thing we can do...\n\nBENDER\nI'll get the water boiling!\n\n[He starts to leave, now wearing an apron with a lobster on it\nas well as his hat.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n...We, by which I mean you, will have\nto rush him to his ancient homeworld\nwhich will shortly erupt in an orgy\nof invertebrate sex.\n\nFRY\nOh, baby, I'm there!\n\nLEELA\nFry, do you even understand the word\n\"invertebrate\"?\n\nFRY\nNope, but that's not the word I'm interested\nin. (shouting) Uh, no need to pack pants,\npeople. Let's roll!\n\nAMY\nDr. Zoidberg said I should hold these\nwhile he's gone.\n\n[She holds up the rubber bands. The staff stare at her, gobsmacked.\nBender slaps his head in disbelief.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg growls and the others\nscream.]\n\nBENDER\n(from inside) Moron!\n\n[The ship flies down to the sandy world of Decapod 10. Most of\nthe planets surface is water, with a few sandy island dotted\nhere and there. The buildings are made of sand.]\n\n[Cut to: Decapod 10 Planetary Spaceport. The ships landing gear\nextends and it skids along the sandy runway until it comes to\na stop in a parking space. The Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg\nwalk out and are greeted by a Decapod man standing underneath\na banner that says \"Welcome Maters!\" The man puts a garland over\nZoidberg, whose fin has disappeared.]\n\nDECAPOD MANM #1\nWelcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours\nuntil the mating frenzy!\n\n[He points to a giant water clock that is slowly filling with\nwater.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nExcellent, excellent!\n\nDECAPOD MAN #1\nSee you there Doctor--\n\n[He says something in the Decapodian language.]\n\nFRY\nIs that how you say \"Zoidberg\"?\n\n[The man runs off crying.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou didn't have to call attention to\nhis speech impediment.\n\n[Zoidberg's Car. Fry and Zoidberg sit in the front and Bender\nand Leela in the back.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're looking less nuts, crabby.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because\ntomorrow I will be depositing my jelly\nin the cloacal vents of a female. (sexfully)\nIf you catch my drift.\n\nFRY\nWho's the lucky lobsterina?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI don't know yet. But I shall attract\none this afternoon with an erotic display.\n\nLEELA\nIt's amazing that your people can fall\nin love so fast.\n\nZOIDBERG\nLove? That word is unknown here. I'm\nsimply looking for a female swollen\nwith eggs to accept my genetic material.\n\nFRY\nYou and me both, brother!\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh, my old scuttling grounds! Let's\npull over.\n\n[He pulls over. Rather than a normal hover car, he is driving\na car with 10 legs along the sides.]\n\n[Decapod 10 Surface. They look into a rock pool.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI used to hang out here as a larva.\nIt looked so much bigger back then.\nWho's the tough guy now, Vinnie?\n\n[He eats it.]\n\n[Claw-Plach Arena. Zoidberg, Fry, Bender and Leela look into\nan arena where spectators watch two Decapodians fighting.]\n\nBENDER\nLook! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets.\nOh, let's do!\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach,\nwhere my species fight to the death\nover matters of honour. Also whether\nabbreviations count in Scrabble. (angry)\nThey don't!\n\nFRY\nI didn't come here to see any activity\ninvolving two guys. Where do you people\ndo your erotic display?\n\nZOIDBERG\nSame place as your species: The beach.\n\n[Decapod 10 Beach. Fry, Leela and Bender lie on sunbeds. Zoidberg\ncomes out of a male changing room wearing a grass skirt and a\nshell necklace.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHow do I look?\n\nBENDER\nLike whale barf.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen the illusion is complete.\n\n[He walks off, clacking his claws.]\n\nFRY\nHey, I wonder if these guys are here\nto watch the erotic display too.\n\n[He points at a group of Decapods with cameras and binoculars.]\n\nDECAPOD MAN #2\nAw, yeah! Aw, wow!\n\n[Zoidberg puts a shell on a mound of sand.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nPerfect! This oughta make me stand out.\nCraw!\n\n[Other men \"craw\" on the beach and women take interest. Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nLook how ridiculous they look.\n\nBENDER\nPlease, he's no different from the rest\nof you organisms; Shooting DNA at each\nother make babies. I find it offensive.\n\n[Another woman walks past Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCraw!\n\nDECAPOD WOMAN #1\nKeep your jelly away from my eggs!\n\n[She walks off and another woman who sounds like Amy replaces\nher.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCraw?!\n\nDECAPOD WOMAN #2\nSo not interested.\n\n[She walks off and a third woman approaches Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCraw!\n\nDECAPOD WOMAN #3\nHmph. I've heard that line before!\n\n[Zoidberg sighs.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The sun is setting and the other Decapod men hold\ntheir mates in their arms along the beach. Zoidberg doesn't.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCra-- Oh, what's the point?\n\n[His fin goes back into his head and he sits down on the mound.\nFry, Leela and Bender watch.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy is Zoidberg the only one still alone?\n\nBENDER\n'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's\nthe lobster equivalent of Fry.\n\nFRY\nHey! I can get any girl I want anytime\nI want. I'm just too busy.\n\n[He starts playing with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled.\nHe snarls and starts to untie it. Zoidberg sees another woman\nand his fin goes up again.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEdna?! Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember?\nFrom high school? You used to laugh\nat me because my face was covered with\nbarnacles!\n\n[Edna gasps.]\n\nEDNA\nZoidberg? Well I didn't know you were\nback in town. I heard you went off and\nbecame a rich doctor.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI've performed a few mercy killings.\nSo, as long as I'm in town I was wondering\nif maybe ... craw?\n\nEDNA\nOh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through\na lot of things right now and-- Look,\nZoidberg, I carry more eggs than any\nother female and I owe it to our race\nto pick a mate who's stuffed with male\njelly. Maybe a rock star.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOr maybe a doctor?\n\nEDNA\nI'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an\ninferior male specimen. Nice seeing\nyou again.\n\n[She leaves. Zoidberg's fin goes down and he sits and starts\nto cry.]\n\n[Ships Mess. Later that night, Zoidberg sits at the table and\nthe others stand around.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(crying) No one will ever want to mate\nwith me, not with a puny claw like this.\nDid you see those other guys? They looked\nlike giant claws with bodies attached.\n\nLEELA\nAt least you didn't smell as bad as\nthem.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(crying) You're right, my stink gland\nis weak. Smell!\n\n[He forces her face into his armpit and she struggles and gags.]\n\nFRY\nListen, Doc, if you wanna score you\ngotta fake like you're in love. Just\nlook her in the eye, start crying and\nsay (fake crying) \"I've never been so\nhappy\".\n\n[Leela takes her hand away and scoffs.]\n\nLEELA\nIf a guy ever did that to me I'd know\nit. Wait a second. They've all been\ndoing that to me. Even Sean!\n\n[She bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHmm, this \"love\" intrigues me. Teach\nme to fake it.\n\n[Ships Rec Room. Fry has set up the room to look like a classroom.\nOn a board at the front he has written \"First Date: Champagne,\nFlowers, Lame Conversation\". Zoidberg sits at a desk ready to\nlearn.]\n\nFRY\nOK, you're on a date. What's the first\nthing you do?\n\nZOIDBERG\nAsk her to mate with me.\n\nFRY\nNo. Tell her she's special.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBut she's not. She's merely the female\nwith the largest clutch of eggs.\n\nFRY\nWell, tell her that. And then?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen mating.\n\nFRY\nNo. Make up some feelings and tell her\nyou have them. Yes?\n\nZOIDBERG\nIs desire to mate a feeling?\n\nFRY\nYou're not even trying!\n\n[Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's all so complicated with the flowers\nand the romance and the lies upon lies.\n\nFRY\nOK, OK, don't worry. The love meister\nwill take you under his wing.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat? Now there's a bird involved?\n\n[Outside Edna's Apartment Building. Zoidberg stands outside the\nsand building and Fry hides under a giant shell with his back\nto the building.]\n\nFRY\nOK, go ahead.\n\n[Zoidberg throws an octopus at Edna's French window. She opens\nit and walks out onto the balcony.]\n\nEDNA\nWhat the--? Dr. Zoidberg, your mating\ndisplay failed. Why are you trying to\ntalk to me?\n\n[Zoidberg shrugs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) I have no idea.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) You just wanna talk, it\nhas nothing to do with mating.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) I just wanna talk, it has\nnothing to do with mating. (whispering)\nFry, that doesn't make sense.\n\nEDNA\nDr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense.\nBut OK.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Start with a compliment:\nTell her she looks thin.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) You seem malnourished. Are\nyou suffering from internal parasites?\n\nEDNA\nWhy, yes. Thanks for noticing.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Now ask her how her day\nwas.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhy would I wanna know?\n\nFRY\n(whispering) You wouldn't. Ask anyway.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) How was your day?\n\nEDNA\nWell first I got up and had a piece\nof toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then\nI went to the store to buy some fish.\nThen...\n\nZOIDBERG\nFry, look what you did, she won't shut\nup.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) That's normal. Just nod\nyour head and say \"Uh-huh\"\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh-huh, uh-huh.\n\nEDNA\n...And then you threw an octopus at\nmy window. You know, Zoidberg, it's\ncrazy but when you talk this way your\nobvious deficiencies as a male seem\n... less obvious. Your genes seem less\ndetrimental. You even stink more.\n\n[Zoidberg looks at Fry.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDo I ask her to mate now?\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Third date!\n\n[Red Primate. At the restaurant that is \"For The Land Food Lover\nIn You\", Zoidberg and Edna are on a date, joined by Fry, Leela\nand Bender. They sit around a table. Other Decapodians are eating\nat other tables. Bender finishes telling a story.]\n\nBENDER\nSo I returned his artificial heart and\never since then I've been known by the\nname of Honest Bender.\n\n[Everyone laughs and Fry slips Zoidberg a piece of paper.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(reading) I'd like to propose a toast\nto ... coat check number 84.\n\n[He raises his glass.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Turn it over.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, Edna! (reading) Of all the slimy,\ngross crab monsters on this planet,\nyou are apparently the hottest.\n\n[He raises his glass again. Edna, Leela and Bender glare at him.]\n\nBENDER\nOy.\n\nFRY\nThat's the most beautiful thing I've\never heard.\n\nEDNA\nYes, well ... excuse me, I've got to\npowder my mouth flaps.\n\n[She gets up and leaves. Zoidberg sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, me too.\n\n[She runs after Edna.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange\nnew emotion. Is it love when you care\nabout a female for reasons beyond mating?\n\nFRY\nNope. Must be some weird alien emotion.\n\n[Red Primate Women's Room. Edna powders her mouth flaps.]\n\nLEELA\nZoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's\na nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's\nbeen telling him what to say and Fry's\na ... do you have idiots on your planet?\n\nEDNA\nFry? You mean words of such beauty came\nfrom the blowhole of that hideous alien?\n\nLEELA\nYeah ... What? Look, never mind the\nwords. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor\nhoney.\n\nEDNA\nHmm.\n\n[Edna's Apartment Building Corridor. Fry stands outside her door\nand reads a message on a fish. \"Fry - Let's discuss Zoidberg\n- Edna.\" He drops the fish and it wriggles back into the water.\nFry rings the doorbell which sounds like a sonar beep.]\n\nEDNA\n(from inside) Come in.\n\n[She growls sexfully.]\n\n[Cut to: Edna's Apartment. Fry walks in and looks around. The\nroom is decorated like a fish tank. Edna pulls open some curtains\nand walks towards Fry. She is dressed in a dark blue teddy and\nfishnet tights.]\n\nEDNA\n(sexfully) Hello, Fry. Can I interest\nyou in some surf and turf?\n\nFRY\nNo thanks. I just came to tell you that\nZoidberg's really great. He's got male\njelly coming out the wazoo.\n\nEDNA\nWell that is where it comes out but\njelly isn't everything. I know Zoidberg's\nmagical words were really yours. Teach\nme to love you, squishy poet from beyond\nthe stars!\n\n[She runs towards him and he ducks behind the chair. She starts\nedging towards him and he moves around the chair.]\n\nFRY\nUh, I'm flattered, really. If I was\ngonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug\nyou'd be way up the list!\n\nEDNA\nHush, you romantic fool! Engage your\nmandibles and kiss me!\n\n[She dives on him and they land on a couch. Her mouth flaps snake\naround Fry's head and she kisses him. Fry struggles to get away.\nEnter a smartly-dressed Zoidberg carrying flowers and champagne.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEdna, I couldn't stand it any longer.\nI-- (angry) Fry!\n\n[He gets so tense his claws clip the bottle neck and it falls\nto the floor and breaks.]\n\nFRY\nDr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(angry) Her caviar is on your neck!\n\nFRY\nBut--\n\nEDNA\nOh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide\nit any longer. Fry and I have fallen\nin love and we're going to mate tomorrow.\n\nFRY\nWhat?!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(angry) Fry! I challenge you to Claw-Plach!\n\n[He clacks his claws.]\n\nFRY\nEnglish please?\n\nZOIDBERG\nA fight to the death.\n\n[He clacks his claws again.]\n\nEDNA\nAnd if you survive, we'll make sweet\nlove!\n\n[She clacks her claws. Fry pulls on his hair and screams.]\n\n[Decapod 10 Surface. Decapod guards hold Fry in chains and march\nFry to the Decapod Emperor's throne. Bender and Leela watch.]\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\nThe law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall\nfight to the death for the claw of the\nbeautiful Edna.\n\nFRY\nBut I don't want her!\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\nOnce invoked, the sacred tradition of\nClaw-Plach can not be taken back. It\nis a recent tradition - only 18 years\nold - but it is a tradition none the\nless.\n\n[Claw-Plach Arena. Decapodians have filled the amphitheatre to\nwatch the fight. A Decapod child waves a big foam claw. Zoidberg\nwalks into the arena and the crowd cheers. The soldiers throw\nFry in and Zoidberg moves towards him with his claws at the ready.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nGet ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your\nswim bladder out and show it to you.\n\n[Leela leans over the edge of the bleachers.]\n\nLEELA\nDr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're\nbeing irrational.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) Of course I'm being irrational!\nI'm in love!\n\nLEELA\nAww.\n\nFRY\nLeela!\n\nLEELA\nRight, right. You have to stop this\nmadness.\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\nListen, lady, as you can plainly see\nI'm a highly desirable male, groaning\nwith jelly. Yet I embrace a life of\ncelibacy in order to uphold our crazy\ntraditions. One of your friends must\ndie.\n\nBENDER\nFate is cruel and unyielding and what\nmust be must be. (shouting) Takin' all\nbets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the\ncrab with the jab! The Great Red Hope,\ncome on baby!\n\n[Spectators wave their money at Bender. Zoidberg takes Fry aside.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nFry, it's been years since medical school\nso remind me: Disembowelling in your\nspecies - Fatal or non-fatal?\n\nFRY\nFatal.\n\n[Zoidberg holds some cash up to Bender.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLarge bet on myself in round one!\n\n[Edna stands by the Emperor.]\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\nEdna, have you anything to say before\nbegins the Claw-Plach?\n\nEDNA\nI do. I just want to say that today\nI got up and I had a piece of toast.\nThen I brushed my teeth--\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Shut up!\n\nEDNA\nI love you, Fry!\n\n[Zoidberg growls and reaches his claws out to Fry. Guards restrain\nhim.]\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\nFry, having guessed what animal I was\nthinking of, you shall have first choice\nof weapon. And you, doctor?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI choose my own claws! I want the tactile\npleasure of chopping him right here\nin the gonads!\n\n[He points at Fry's neck.]\n\nFRY\nShh! Nobody correct him!\n\n[Bender leans over the bleachers.]\n\nBENDER\nFry, I've never asked you for anything\nbefore but if it's not too much trouble,\nwhen it comes to the ninth round just\nlet him win.\n\nFRY\nBut it's a fight to the death!\n\nBENDER\nOh, so this is suddenly all about you.\nSheesh!\n\n[He storms off.]\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\nPlease rise for the national anthem.\n\n[Decapodians hold their hands to their hearts and a woman plays\nthe incidental music from the Star Trek episode Amok Time on\nan organ.]\n\nFRY\nUh-oh.\n\nDECAPOD EMPEROR\n(shouting) Let Claw-Plach begin!\n\n[Fry and Zoidberg circle each other. Zoidberg spins his claws\naround and Fry does the same with his nutcrackers and whacks\nhimself in the eye. Zoidberg scratches a \"Z\" in Fry's shirt \u00e0\nla The Mark of Zorro then scratches \"DR\" above it. Fry squeals\nand backs away. A bright light starts to shine in his eye. He\nsquints and tries to avoid it.]\n\nFRY\nHey!\n\n[In the stands Bender is reflecting the sunlight off his arm\nand into Fry's face. He chuckles. Leela slaps him.]\n\nBENDER\nOw!\n\n[In the arena Zoidberg takes a dive at Fry and Fry dodges. Zoidberg\nlands in the mud and Fry chuckles. Zoidberg stands on his hands,\nkicks off his sandals and starts chasing Fry, clacking at him\nwith his foot claws. The crowds cheer.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Come on, Fry! Die with dignity!\n\n[Zoidberg carries on chasing Fry.]\n\nFRY\nAha! Oops!\n\n[He grabs Zoidberg around the neck with the nutcrackers and Zoidberg\ngrabs Fry's neck with his claws locking the two together in a\nstruggle.]\n\nEDNA\n(screaming) Nooo! I can't stand to look.\n\n[Zoidberg looks up at her.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHuh?\n\n[Fry dodges his grasp and gains the upper hand by grabbing him\nfrom behind with the nutcrackers and bringing him to his knees.\nThe crowd chants.]\n\nBENDER\nPsst, Fry. Take a dive.\n\n[Fry grins and tightens the nutcrackers. Sweat pours down Zoidberg's\nface and the crowd chants.]\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!\nClaw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!\n\n[The crowd gasps.]\n\nFRY\nMy fellow fish monsters. Far be it for\nme to question your stupid civilisation\nor its dumb customs. But is squeezing\neach others brains out with a giant\nnutcracker really going to solve anything?\nDr. Zoidberg is my friend. And though\na woman has come between us, I say we'll\nalways remain friends. And you know\nwhy? One reason.\n\n[Zoidberg cuts his arm off with one clean click of the claws.\nFry looks at his lifeless arm on the ground and pulls his shirt\nup around his wound.]\n\nFRY\nYou bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!\n\n[He picks up his dismembered arm and starts beating Zoidberg\naround the head with it. Zoidberg kicks him away and starts to\nchoke him.]\n\nLEELA\nWait! Stop! Everyone is gone.\n\n[Zoidberg looks around the empty arena.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEdna? Honey?\n\n[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. The mating frenzy meter has filled\nwith water.]\n\n[Cut to: Claw-Plach Arena. They hear the craws of Decapodians.]\n\n[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. They run to the beach and gasp.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEdna?\n\n[Edna and the emperor are holding claws. They scuttle into the\nwater along with thousands of other Decapods. They all disappear\nunderwater and the sea fills with a green slime.]\n\nLEELA\nEw!\n\nBENDER\nOh, my God!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience\nin life and I missed it.\n\n[He bursts into tears.]\n\nFRY\nAw. I'm sorry, Doc.\n\n[He pats him on the back with his severed arm.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The four walk along the empty beach and seagulls\nfly around them. Zoidberg injects Fry with some St. Jonah's Morphine\nFor Children.]\n\nFRY\nOw, ow! Ah!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe frenzy is over. How will I ever\nget rid of my male jelly now?\n\nFRY\nI'll lend you this.\n\nLEELA\nFry!\n\n[A seagull grabs his arm and tries to pull it away from Fry.]\n\nFRY\nHey, hey.\n\n[Bender is covered in bird faeces.]\n\nBENDER\nShoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the\nflying jerks?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey come to feast after the frenzy.\nOnce my species passes on its genes,\nit dies.\n\n[He points to the sea which is littered with the corpses of Decapodians.]\n\nFRY\nYou mean you have to choose between\na life without sex and a gruesome death?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes.\n\nFRY\nTough call.\n\n[The ship flies away from Decapod 10.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Medical Room.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell it was nice of you to let me reattach\nyour arm, Fry. Especially after I made\na complete eel out of myself.\n\n[Fry is lying on a table while Leela and Bender watch. He shrugs.]\n\nFRY\nNo biggie.\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes biggie. I learned to feel things\nI'd never felt before: Love, jealousy,\npassion for disembowling. I owe it all\nto you. There! I pronounce the operation\na success.\n\nLEELA\nHooray!\n\nBENDER\nYeah!\n\nFRY\n(laughing) Yeah!\n\nZOIDBERG\nI may not know from emotions but when\nit comes to medicine, forget about it.\n\n[Fry look at his arm.]\n\nFRY\nI don't mean to nitpick, super-doc,\nbut do you think maybe you could take\none more whack at this?\n\n[He points at his arm. Zoidberg has attached it to his other\narm so he has two on the same side. Zoidberg turns around with\nhis laser-saw.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nFor you, my friend, anything.\n\n[The ship flies towards Earth. Fry screams from inside.]\n\nFRY\n(from ship) My legs!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(from ship) Alright, alright, third\ntime's the charm.\n\n[He saws again and another limb falls off and splats.]"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Put-Your-Head-On-My-Shoulder.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 210\n\n\"PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Based On The Novel by James Fenimore\nCooper.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV the heads of George Washington\nand Abraham Lincoln sit on podiums in front of a red curtain.]\n\nLINCOLN\nFour score and 1145 years ago our forefather's\nforeheads conceived a new nation.\n\nWASHINGTON\nAnd this Presidents' Day we honoureth\nthose values that my body fought and\ndied for.\n\n[Behind the heads the curtain opens and reveals a car showroom.\nThe salesman, a robot called Malfunctioning Eddie, points to\na car.]\n\nMALFUNCTIONING EDDIE\nValues like this brand new Plymouth\nV'Ger! Hi, I'm Malfunctioning Eddie\nand I'm malfunctioning so badly I'm\npractically giving these cars away!\n\nAMY\nHey, let's go car shopping! My parents\npromised if I got all B's they'd buy\nme a bar. And I got all C's!\n\nBENDER\nMind if I tag along? I gotta bring my\nass in for servicing. The recall notice\nsays it could burst into flames in a\nlow-speed collision.\n\nFRY\nNo wonder you've been staying at the\nback of conga lines lately.\n\nLEELA\nI'll get my coat. Let's go, Bender.\n\n[She taps his ass with a rolled-up newspaper and it bursts into\nflames. Amy, Fry and Leela recoil in horror.]\n\n[Malfunctioning Eddie's Showroom. A man with an accent introduces\nhimself to Amy.]\n\nVICTOR\nHello, I am Victor and I know many things\nabout the art of unloading fine cars\non beautiful women.\n\n[He kisses her hand.]\n\nLEELA\nUh-huh. Now tell us she's witty and\nsophisticated.\n\nVICTOR\nAh-ah-ah! A gentleman always sells a\nlady a car first. This is the Beta\nRomeo. Yes, the Beta Romeo. Note the\ncross-your-heart seat belt which protects,\nlifts and separates.\n\n[At the coffee machine Fry pours himself a cup. A salesman puts\nhis hand on his shoulder.]\n\nSALESMAN\nSpotted her the minute you walked in,\ndidn't you, sir? She's a real beauty.\n\nFRY\nYup, she's beautiful coffee alright.\n\nSALESMAN\nNo, the Ford Thundercougarfalconbird!\nNothing makes you feel more like a\nman than a Thundercougarfalconbird.\nSo how much were you thinking of spending\non this Thundercougarfalconbird?\n\nFRY\nSorry, I'm not here to buy.\n\nSALESMAN\nI understand and it's wonderful you\ndon't care whether anyone questions\nyour sexual orientation.\n\nFRY\nI care! I care plenty! I just don't\nknow how to make them stop!\n\nSALESMAN\nOne word: Thundercougarfalconbird!\n\n[Amy and Victor are now sat in the Beta Romeo.]\n\nVICTOR\nThe luxurious seats are stuffed with\neagle down and the dashboard inlaid\nwith the beaks of a thousand eagles.\nAlso, there are some eagles under the\nfloorboards.\n\nAMY\nThat's an awful lot of eagle.\n\nVICTOR\nYes, and yet--\n\n[He sighs.]\n\nAMY\nWhat's wrong?\n\nVICTOR\nIt is just, the luxury edition has so\nmuch more eagle. It saddens me to think\nof you missing out.\n\nAMY\nOh, don't be sad. My parents are paying\nand they're incredibly rich.\n\n[Victor raises his right eyebrow and pushes it down again with\nhis finger.]\n\n[Service Department. Bender is lying down on a raised platform\nand a mechanic drills into his back, causing him pain. The mechanic\nlowers him to the ground and he gets up.]\n\nMECHANIC\nI installed shock-absorbing bumpers\nto reduce the risk of catastrophic butt\nfailure.\n\n[Bender turns around and gasps at what he sees grafted to his\nbutt.]\n\nBENDER\nYou, sir, have defaced a national treasure!\nI demand you restore my buttocks to\ntheir former glory.\n\n[He gets back onto the platform.]\n\nMECHANIC\nAlright. But sooner or later that ass\nis gonna blow. And when it does, I just\npray you're not moonin' someone you\ncare about.\n\n[Malfunctioning Eddie's Showroom. Amy and Leela look under the\nbonnet of the Beta Romeo's.]\n\nAMY\nSmeesh, Leela! This car has everything\na beautiful woman like me needs. Victor\nsaid so.\n\n[Victor chuckles.]\n\nVICTOR\n(to himself) No dog food for Victor\ntonight.\n\n[Leela closes the bonnet.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, the sticker says 55,000 but we'll\nonly go as high as say--\n\n[Amy puts her hand in the air.]\n\nAMY\n60,000!\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nVICTOR\nOh, I will have to ask my manager.\n\n[He walks into Malfunctioning Eddie's office.]\n\nLEELA\nAmy, you don't go up from the sticker\nprice.\n\nAMY\nI thought it was an auction.\n\n[Through the office window, we see Victor say something to Eddie.\nEddie smiles and they both dance. Victor comes back out again.]\n\nVICTOR\nHe is not too happy.\n\nAMY\nI'm sorry. 80,000?\n\n[Eddie's head explodes.]\n\n[New New York City Street. Amy and the others drive back to the\nPlanet Express building. Outside, she prepares to park the car.]\n\nAMY\nUh-oh. I'm terrible at parallel parking.\n\n[The car moves into a space sideways then shunts two cars in\nfront and behind it.]\n\n[Planet Express Corridor. Fry and Leela walk past Hermes' office.]\n\nHERMES\n(from inside) And now you're asking\nfor a day off? Get out of my and my\nsight! You're bogarting my patience.\n\n[The door opens and Hermes walks out.]\n\nLEELA\nHermes. Who were you yelling at?\n\nHERMES\nMyself. I asked myself a Valentine's\nDay off. But I was in no mood for any\nof my shenanigans.\n\nFRY\nValentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap!\nI forgot to get a girlfriend again.\nWell since neither of us has a date,\nwhy don't we...\n\nLEELA\nYou just assume I can't get a Valentine's\ndate?\n\nFRY\nShall we say 8 o'clock?\n\n[Enter Amy.]\n\nAMY\nHey, I'm taking my new car out for a\nspin to Mercury. Anybody wanna come?\n\nFRY\nYeah, OK. What's the weather like?\n\nAMY\nThe usual: Boiling lead, oceans of lava.\n\nFRY\nSo, what? Shorts?\n\n[Amy's Car. They drive across the Mercurial surface listening\nto music.]\n\nFRY\nBoy, this A.C. is incredible! I'd better\nturn on the heater too. (shouting)\nBoy, this heater is incredible! I'd\nbetter turn up the A.C. some more.\n\nAMY\n(shouting) Hey, how about some icy margaritas?\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Yeah! We're slowing down!\n\nAMY\n(shouting) Don't worry. I'll hit the\nfuel guzzler!\n\n[She presses a button and the car accelerates.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Who wants pop-tarts? Uh-oh!\n\nAMY\nIt's OK, I have an emergency phone.\n\n[She picks up a make-up case and applies blusher to her cheeks.]\n\nFRY\nWhat are you doing?\n\nAMY\nSpluh! It's a video-phone. Lucky I'm\na member of the Astro-Afro-Antarctico-Amer-Asian\nAuto Association. Hello? Septuple-A?\n\n[The sun beats down on the planet. Beads of sweat pour down Fry's\nface. He leans back over the seat and pulls the hood over the\ncar.]\n\nFRY\nPhew!\n\n[Amy finishes her call and sighs.]\n\nAMY\nIt'll be a couple hours. Oh, I'm gonna\nget sweat on my sweat-suit.\n\n[She pulls the zip on her top down.]\n\nFRY\nHey, tell me something: You've got all\nthis money, how come you always dress\nlike you're doing your laundry?\n\nAMY\nI guess 'cause my parents keep telling\nme to be more ladylike. As though!\n\nFRY\nI've been there. My folks were always\non me to groom myself and wear underpants.\nWhat am I, the Pope?\n\n[Amy laughs.]\n\nAMY\nYeah, and if you were the Pope they'd\nbe all, \"Straighten your Pope hat,\"\nand, \"Put on your good vestments\".\nYou know, Fry, its nice to find someone\nI can talk to about stuff, and junk.\n\nFRY\nYeah, it's like we feel the same way\nabout junk and stuff, or, whatever.\n\n[He smiles. She smiles back.]\n\n[Mercury Surface. Later, the sun is setting and the AAAAAAA recovery\ntruck arrives. A man gets out and sees the car hood is steamed\nup. He laughs, rubs off the condensation and peers inside. Amy\nand Fry hold a set of cards. The man sighs with disappointment.]\n\n[Cut to: Amy's Car. The recovery truck tows it.]\n\nAMY\nSo while they're towin' us, you wanna\ndo it?\n\nFRY\nYeah.\n\n[They kiss and disappear below the seats. The man laughs again.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning the crew are\ngathered around the table while Hermes presents an important\nchart to them.]\n\nHERMES\nWhich concludes the summary of the movie\nI saw last night. Now, any old business?\nAny new business? Anyone spend the\nnight together?\n\nAMY\nYep.\n\nFRY\nKind of.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat?\n\nHERMES\nOh, my God!\n\nAMY\nWe ran out of fuel on Mercury and one\nthing led to another.\n\nFRY\nAnd it led there again when we got home.\n\n[He and Amy chuckle.]\n\nBENDER\nCongratulations, Fry, you snagged the\nperfect girlfriend. Amy's rich, she's\nprobably got other characteristics.\n\nLEELA\nBender! Romance isn't about money.\n\nBENDER\nOh, so it's just coincidence that Zoidberg\nhere is desperately poor and miserably\nlonely? Puh-lease!\n\nLEELA\nFor your information, it's because he's\nhideous.\n\n[Zoidberg sighs.]\n\nHERMES\nWell I think Amy and Fry go together\nlike a lime and coconut.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDo I hear wedding bells?\n\nFRY\nWhat? No!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nReally? Oh, dear.\n\n[He pats the side of his head. Zoidberg sighs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou're both very lucky. I'd pay anything\nto end my miserable loneliness. If only\nI weren't so desperately poor.\n\nBENDER\nWait. You mean people will pay good\nmoney for romance? Hmm. I think I have\na scheme so deviously clever that I--\n\n[Courtroom. The judge bangs his gavel.]\n\nJUDGE\n$500 and time served.\n\nBENDER\nStupid anti-pimping laws. Well, pay\nthe man!\n\n[He struts out. His two Hookerbots follow him.]\n\nHOOKERBOT\nBender, honey, we love you!\n\nBENDER\nShut up, baby, I know it!\n\n[Planet Express Corridor. Bender hammers a sign on a door that\nhas \"Bender's Computing Dating Service. Discreet And Discrete\"\nwritten on it.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, computer dating. It's like pimping\nbut you rarely have to use the phrase\n\"upside your head\".\n\nLEELA\nBender, this is stupid. Why would anyone\ncome to you for romantic help?\n\nBENDER\nHey! Don't make me go upside your head!\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg files his claws\nwhile Hermes knocks on the supply room door.]\n\nHERMES\n(shouting) Fry! Amy! Put your pants\nback on; I need a stapler.\n\n[He struggles to open the locked door. Zoidberg blocks his way.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nStop! Stop! If you interrupt the mating\ndance the male will become enraged and\nmaul us with his fearsome gonad.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Supply Room.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) It's working, they think\nwe're making out. Wait, why aren't\nwe making out?\n\nAMY\nI 'unno.\n\n[They kiss and drop to the floor.]\n\n[Planet Express Corridor. Outside the lounge, Larry, Lou and\nthe saleswoman from Alien Overlord & Taylor queue to use Bender's\ndating service.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender has set up his dating\nservice at the table and is about to interview a client.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, Mister...?\n\nZAPP\nUh, Smith! Zapp Smith. Uh, Brannigan.\n\nBENDER\nJust check off the things you're looking\nfor in a love partner.\n\n[He hands Zapp a sheet of paper.]\n\nZAPP\nLet's see ... Oh, yes! Yes, definitely.\nOh, I'd like some of that. Mmm, I'll\njust have everything on the menu.\n\n[He punches out the rest of the holes and hands it back to Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nNow to run it through our high speed\nromance-a-logical data-fier. Say hello\nto Miss Right!\n\nZAPP\n(sexfully) Hello!\n\n[He rubs the paper against his chest.]\n\n[Planet Express: Supply Room. Amy and Fry finish making out.\nFry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWow! We're great kissers!\n\nAMY\nYeah! Hey, later, you wanna drive out\nto Europa? We could have a picnic and\nspit watermelon seeds at Jupiter.\n\nFRY\nHey, yeah! I used to spit at stuff back\nin the 20th century. Ah, it's cool how\nwe sort of think exactly alike, and\njunk.\n\nAMY\nYeah. Y'know, Fry, I really like hanging\nout with you.\n\n[Fry is shocked.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela welds a section of the ships cargo\nlift while Fry paces backwards and forwards.]\n\nFRY\nEverything was going great. Then all\nof a sudden, she's talking about hanging\nout. Hangin out? She's getting way too\nserious. I'm not a one woman man, Leela.\n\nLEELA\nYou'll be back to zero soon enough.\n\nFRY\nDon't you get it? She's smothering me.\n\n[Amy walks past.]\n\nAMY\nHi.\n\nFRY\nYou see? You see? Now she's bothering\nme when I'm at work.\n\nLEELA\nFry--!\n\nFRY\nI'm doing my job -- there's Amy. I spend\na few hours selecting a candy from the\nmachine -- there's Amy. I wake up the\nmorning after sleeping with Amy -- there's\nAmy!\n\nLEELA\nI think you're over reacting.\n\nFRY\nAm I? (shouting) Am I? (talking) Face\nit, I'm a prize catch. I mean, I'm\npulling down delivery boy money.\n\nLEELA\nFry, she's pulling down billionaire\ntrust-fund money.\n\nFRY\nThen she wants me as a trophy husband.\nLeela, you gotta come to Europa with\nus, I can't be alone with her.\n\n[Amy arrives with a picnic basket.]\n\nAMY\nSo, ready for a secluded picnic with\njust you and me?\n\nFRY\nHey, you know who loves secluded picnics\nwith just you and me? Uh, Dr. Zoidberg.\n\n[Zoidberg, scavenging through a dustbin, looks up.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDid someone say something about a free\nhot meal?\n\n[Amy's Car. The car flies past the Monolith from 2001: A Space\nOdyssey and drives across the icy surface of Jupiter's moon while\nZoidberg eats the contents of the picnic basket.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMmm, I haven't eaten since Tuesday!\nBird eggs, animal slices ... ... dry\nwoven reeds! All gone! Can I drive?\n\nAMY\nNo. So, Fry, you busy tomorrow? I got\ntwo tickets to the big ape fight.\n\nFRY\nJeez, we're already planning to spend\nValentine's Day together. Isn't that\nenough?\n\nAMY\nOK, sure. What do you wanna do for Valentine's\nDay?\n\nFRY\nOh, so all of a sudden we're spending\nValentine's Day together?\n\nAMY\nBut you just said--\n\nFRY\nThat's it, Amy, we have to talk. Zoidberg,\nyou drive.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWahoo!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Amy's Car. The car tips as they change places.]\n\nFRY\n(from inside) Pardon me, excuse me.\n\n[Cut to: Amy's Car. Zoidberg is at the wheel while Fry and Amy\nare in the back.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh, I'll just turn the wheel to maximum\nfastness!\n\n[He turns it. Amy screams.]\n\nFRY\nAmy, you know how at first you like\nchocolate but then you start to get\ntired of it because it always wants\nto hang out with you?\n\nAMY\nHuh? You don't like chocolate?\n\nFRY\nLook, could chocolate just let me finish?\n\nZOIDBERG\nVroom vroom! And the winner of the big\ncar race is: Hot Rod Zoidberg!\n\n[He mimes a crowd cheering.]\n\nFRY\nAmy, what I'm trying to say is, I think\nmaybe you and I should stop--\n\n[Something in the front snaps. Zoidberg has pulled the wheel\noff.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh-oh. Here, you drive!\n\n[He offers the wheel to Fry. The car spins out of control, hitting\nchunks of ice. It heads straight for a huge mountain of ice.\nFry screams and the car crashes.]\n\n[Europa Surface. Fry was out cold but comes to. Zoidberg looks\nover him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nFry? Are you alright?\n\nFRY\nOw! My head is killing me. What happened?\nWas anybody hurt?\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo, no, no, no, no, of course not. Nobody\nbut you. I'm afraid your body was badly\ndamaged in the crash.\n\nFRY\nHow badly?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's it over there. Don't worry,\nI managed to keep your head alive with\nsome quick surgery.\n\n[Fry moves his eyes up and down.]\n\nFRY\nWhere is it?\n\n[Zoidberg points.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere.\n\n[Fry turns to his right and sees Amy's head. Zoidberg has grafted\nhis head onto her left shoulder.]\n\nAMY\nLooks like we'll be spending a lot more\ntime together, Fry!\n\n[Fry screams.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Zoidberg inspect\nFry's body. Leela tuts.]\n\nLEELA\nThis sort of thing always happens with\noffice romances.\n\nZOIDBERG\nDon't worry, Fry, we'll have your body\nall fixed up in a few days. Upsy daisy!\n\n[He walks out of the room, hitting the body on the walls on the\nway out. Fry whimpers.]\n\nFRY\nWell, Amy, I'll try not to interfere\nwith your life too much.\n\n[Amy seems to pick her nose.]\n\nAMY\nFry!\n\nFRY\nOoh, sorry. I guess I control that arm.\n\n[He waves the arm around and hoots.]\n\nAMY\nSo, what was it you wanted to talk about\nbefore we crashed anyway?\n\nFRY\nOh, that. Maybe we'd better talk in\nprivate. (whispering) I'll meet you\nin the closet.\n\n[Planet Express: Supply Room.]\n\nFRY\nAmy, I really like you, as a friend.\nBut I think we're spending too much\ntime together.\n\nAMY\nYou're breaking up with me?\n\nFRY\nI just think we should start seeing\nother people.\n\nAMY\nBut, I was really having fun. If that's\nhow you feel.\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry, but it is.\n\nAMY\nWell, whatever. Hey, listen, as long\nas we're not seeing each other, you\nmind if I ask someone else out for Valentine's\nDay?\n\nFRY\nHuh?\n\nAMY\nI mean, unless it would make you feel\nbad, being a third wheel.\n\nFRY\nHey, I can get a date too. Now that\nI'm single, I'll attract all sorts of\nwomen!\n\nAMY\nWith my body I think you might only\nattract one sort of woman.\n\nFRY\n(happy) Oh! (disappointed) Oh!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender drinks from a bottle. Leela sits\ndown and plays with his \"Dating Consultant\" nameplate nonchalantly.]\n\nLEELA\nSo, how's business?\n\n[Bender opens his chest cabinet, revealing a huge pile of money.\nHe pulls out a $500 note.]\n\nBENDER\nAre you familiar with my friend Al Gore?\nI'm tellin' ya, losers get really desperate\naround Valentine's Day.\n\nLEELA\nYeah, it's pathetic alright! How much?\n\nBENDER\n500 bucks.\n\nLEELA\nDone.\n\nBENDER\nZapp Brannigan OK?\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\nBENDER\n600.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Enter Leela who sees Fry and\nAmy playing table tennis. Fry sees Leela.]\n\nFRY\nOh, hey, Leela, uh, can I talk to you\nfor a minute? In private?\n\nAMY\nOh, no problem.\n\n[She puts her fingers in her ears and sings to herself in Chinese.]\n\nFRY\nThis is an emergency. Amy made Valentine's\nplans with some goon and I'm gonna be\nstuck there, lonely and miserable. Will\nyou be my date, please?\n\nLEELA\nYou're too late, Fry. I'm sharing Valentine's\nDay with a very special man. He's not\nZapp Brannigan or anything!\n\nFRY\nThen I have no choice but to do something\nso pitiful and embarrassing that I'm\nashamed to tell you about it.\n\nLEELA\nBender's in his office.\n\nFRY\nThanks.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Amy is still singing while Fry does\nbusiness with Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nI got your hook-up, Fry. Now my usual\nfee's 500 bucks, but seeing as how it's\nyou, I'll need it in advance.\n\n[Amy's Apartment. Amy dresses herself while Fry \"helps\".]\n\nAMY\nOK, Fry, we're done putting on the bra.\n\nFRY\nWhy exactly did you shave your legs\nanyway? Are you expecting something\nto happen with your Valentine's date?\n\nAMY\nWhat business is it of yours?\n\nFRY\nAnd another thing: You're using an awful\nlot of make-up there.\n\nAMY\nThis is deodorant.\n\nFRY\nWhat does it do?\n\n[The doorbell rings. Amy reaches for her dress.]\n\nAMY\n(shouting) C'mon in, Gary! I'll just\nbe another 20 minutes.\n\nGARY\n(from outside) I'll be waiting.\n\nFRY\n20 minutes? You're practically ready\nnow!\n\nAMY\nYeah, but it's good to make them wait\na little.\n\nFRY\nOh, God, it's true!\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Amy, Gary and Fry sit at a table. Fry\neats a hamburger.]\n\nGARY\nThat dress looks great on you.\n\nAMY\n(simultaneously) Thanks.\n\nFRY\n(simultaneously) Thanks. Where is she?\n\nGARY\nI must say, Amy, you're all made up,\njust like Fry's date. Get it?\n\n[Amy shakes her head.]\n\nAMY\nMm-mm.\n\nFRY\nI've got a date. She'll be along any\nminute.\n\n[Enter Bender with a old woman.]\n\nBENDER\nFry, look who I found! It's Petunia,\nyour dream girl!\n\nPETUNIA\nHow's them eats?\n\nFRY\nUh--\n\nPETUNIA\nDon't mind if I do. Kids'll be hungry.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) She seems a little old\nfor me.\n\nBENDER\nShe is well-travelled. And I don't mean\nshe travels a lot!\n\nPETUNIA\nWheels fell off my house.\n\nBENDER\nNow how about a rose for the lady? Five\nbucks a pop!\n\nGARY\nI'll take one.\n\nFRY\nOh, yeah? Well I want one too.\n\nBENDER\nEight bucks.\n\nFRY\nBut you just said--\n\nBENDER\nDemand suddenly skyrocketed, you all\nsaw it.\n\n[On another table, Leela sits alone. She sighs. Bender arrives.]\n\nBENDER\nLeela, meets your future husband Sal.\n\n[Sal is wearing blue overalls and has a cigarette in his mouth.\nHe cringes.]\n\nSAL\nNice eyeball, eyeball.\n\nLEELA\nNice ass, ass.\n\nBENDER\nOoh, sparks! (whispering) Buy her a\nrose, I guarantee she'll put out!\n\n[Sal considers then sits down.]\n\nSAL\nEh, I'll take my chances.\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender's other clients are also there. Larry eats\nfrom Hattie's fork and Zapp makes a toast with his woman who\nhas a five-o'clock shadow.]\n\nZAPP\nCheers!\n\n\"WOMAN\"\nCheers!\n\n[Fry and Petunia don't seem to be gelling.]\n\nPETUNIA\nSo tell me about your prospects. You\na good gambler?\n\nFRY\nWell, ma'am I--\n\nPETUNIA\nWhat's your game? Bingo? Keno? Wait\na minute! You don't have your own body.\n\nFRY\nNo, but I control this arm.\n\nPETUNIA\nSlots player, huh? Sorry, but I think\nI can do better.\n\n[She gets up from the table.]\n\nFRY\nWait, come back, uh, darling.\n\nPETUNIA\nCan't, hon. I gotta catch my bus back\nto Nutley. I'd kiss you goodnight but\nI lost my teeth pulling out a stump.\n\n[She walks towards the exit.]\n\nSAL\nSo anyways, Leela, I'd love to take\na whack at ya but that 10:15 to Nutley\nain't goin' nowheres without yours truly\nbehinds the wheel.\n\nPETUNIA\nExcuse me, did you say \"10:15 to Nutley\"?\n\nSAL\nWhy, yes I dids.\n\n[They stare into each others eyes and passionately kiss. Leela\nturns to Bender.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Bender! Did you just round\nup our dates at the bus station?\n\nBENDER\nOf course not.\n\nSAL\nAnybodys else for Nutley?\n\n[Bender's customers get up and head for the door. Zapp's date\nalso leaves.]\n\nZAPP\nBaby, wait! You didn't show me your\nsurprise.\n\n[Gary has his arm around Amy.]\n\nGARY\n(whispering) You know what I'd like\nto do...?\n\nFRY\nOh, jeez, get a room!\n\nGARY\nMaybe later.\n\n[Fry is shocked.]\n\nFRY\nHey, I have an idea: Let's all go out\nfor ice cream.\n\nGARY\nActually, I thought Amy might like to\ncome back to my place for coffee.\n\nAMY\nI don't really like coffee.\n\nGARY\nNeither do I.\n\n[Fry is shocked again.]\n\nAMY\nOoh, I feel a little tipsy!\n\n[Fry is shocked again.]\n\nGARY\nLet me pick up the check.\n\nFRY\nNooo! That's it I'm gettin' the hell\noutta here. Ooh! Ow!\n\n[Leela hears Fry and walks to their table just as Amy and Gary\nare about to leave.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy, if it isn't my favourite head on\nAmy's body: Fry.\n\nFRY\nOh, Leela!\n\nAMY\nWe were just on our way out.\n\nLEELA\nNonsense, the evening's young. So, Gary,\nwhat do you do for a living?\n\nGARY\nI'm a banking industry regulator.\n\n[Amy sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nReally? Y'know I heard that banking\nindustry regulations are really very\nsimple.\n\nGARY\nOh, no, that's not true. You see, modern\nbanking regulations are a product of\nfive different regulatory traditions.\nSix if you wanna get technical.\n\nLEELA\nOh, I do.\n\nGARY\nIt all began in 1410 when a number of\nnoblemen convened...\n\n[Fry and Leela look at each other.]\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nThank you.\n\n[They smile.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg finishes stitching\nFry's head to his neck.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere you are, good as new. Except for\nyour dorsal fin, I'm afraid I couldn't\nfind it after the crash.\n\nFRY\nCan I live without it?\n\nZOIDBERG\nIf you call that living.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI still don't understand why you wouldn't\nlet me graft a laser cannon onto your\nchest. To crush those who disobey you.\nBut I guess we're just two different\npeople.\n\n[He and Zoidberg leave.]\n\nFRY\nSo, uh, thanks for the ride, Amy. And\nI hope there are no hard feelings about\nyour date, or stuff.\n\nAMY\nIt's OK, I had fun. And if I ever feel\nlonely I can just look over at this\ndisfiguring scar and think of you.\n\n[They smile. Amy leaves. Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nWell, anyway, it's nice to have my own\nbody back.\n\n[He yawns, stretches and pats his chest. He looks down and sighs.\nEnter Leela and Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nSo how's the old corpse? Everything\nhooked up OK?\n\n[Fry stands up.]\n\nFRY\nSeems to be. My neck's just a little\ntender. Ow! Cool! Ow! Listen, Leela.\nThanks for rescuing me last night.\n\nLEELA\nAnytime. I actually enjoyed hanging\nout with you.\n\n[Enter Bender, counting his profits.]\n\nBENDER\nYep, everything worked out great thanks\nto good old Bender.\n\nLEELA\nCome on! It's not like you intentionally\nset us up with bad dates so we'd spend\nValentine's Day together.\n\nBENDER\nDidn't I, Leela? Didn't I?\n\n[He winks and a heart wipe closes the scene but opens up again.]\n\nLEELA\nNo! You didn't! You just corralled a\nbunch of stiffs at the bus station and\npocketed our money!\n\nBENDER\nTrue. But in the end, isn't that what\nValentine's Day is really all about?\n\nLEELA\nYeah.\n\nFRY\nI guess so. Watch the neck! Watch the\nneck!\n\n[He kicks Bender's ass and sparks start coming out of it.]\n\nBENDER\nMy ass! My beautiful ass!\n\n[It explodes.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Lesser-Of-Two-Evils.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 211\n\n\"THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horstead\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Advertisment: Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voice-over) Futurama is brought to\nyou by......Arachno Spores! The fatal\nspore, with the funny name!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: The Show That Watches Back.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. A show called Cop Department is on TV.]\n\n[Fry, Bender and Leela sit slumped on the couch. The coffee table\nis filled with dishes, uneaten burgers and boxes of Chinese food.\nOn the TV is a dazed centipede-like alien with a blurred face.]\n\nALIEN [ON TV]\nC'mon man, I didn't fire off no laser.\n\nSMITTY [ON TV]\nThen why is there a smoking hole in\nyour ceiling sir?\n\n[The camera points to the ceiling.]\n\nALIEN [ON TV]\nWhat? Crazy upstairs lady must've been\nshooting down.\n\nURL [ON TV]\nSir, you're on the top floor of this\nparticular domicile.\n\n[The alien's wife walks in.]\n\nALIEN'S WIFE [ON TV]\nYou get that camera out of my house!\n\nSMITTY [ON TV]\nJust relax ma'am. Sir, sir, put down\nthe lamp.\n\n[The alien smashes the lamp.]\n\nALIEN [ON TV]\nOK. OK, I'm co-operating.\n\nSMITTY [ON TV]\nThat's it, now put up your hands.\n\n[The alien puts it's 20 hands in the air and URL moves towards\nhim, cuffs at the ready.]\n\nURL [ON TV]\nNice and slow. Aww yeah!\n\nSMITTY [ON TV]\nAnd while you're at it, unblur your\nface.\n\nALIEN [ON TV]\nAw man.\n\n[He unblurs his face. It wasn't a TV effect!]\n\nLEELA\nHey Bender, I thought you said you were\nin this episode.\n\nBENDER\nNah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape\n3 because of what I did in the coffee\npot.\n\n[Fry spits out his coffee. On the TV URL walks the alien out\nof the building.]\n\nALIEN [ON TV]\nI'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just\ngoing through some things.\n\n[Smitty opens the car door but the alien head butts him and runs\ninto some bushes. URL lifts up a shoe.]\n\nURL [ON TV]\nI'm goin' in.\n\n[The Cop Department logo appears on the screen.]\n\n[The picture changes to a traffic-packed New New York.]\n\nBENDER\n(tense and impatient) Shut up and get\nto the point!\n\n[A woman looks around the street.]\n\nWOMAN [ON TV]\nIt's like stepping back stepping back\ninto the year 2000!\n\n[A cowboy riding a hover-moped and carrying a harpoon pulls up.\nMore cowboys follow him.]\n\nCOWBOY [ON TV]\nTime for the mammoth hunt dudes!\n\n[They ride off and start attacking a robotic mammoth on the streets.\nIt roars. A hot air balloon flies over head. Inside are actors\nplaying Albert Einstein and Hammurabi, an ancient king of Babylonia\nwho reigned around 2000BC, rather than AD.]\n\nEINSTEIN\nLet's disco dance Hammurabi!\n\nHAMMURABI\nDy-no-mite!\n\n[And they do. The Past-O-Rama logo appears on the screen, a play\non the title logo of an unpopular cartoon series from the early\n21st century.]\n\nLEELA\nSounds like your kinda place Fry. Wanna\ngo?\n\nFRY\nNah. If I ever wanna go back to the\nyear 2000 I'll just freeze myself again.\n\nBENDER\nC'mon Fry, I really wanna see it. You\nknow how I yearn for a simpler time.\nA time of barn dances and buggy rides,\nbefore life was cheapened by heartless\nhi-tech machines.\n\nLEELA\nBut Bender you are -\n\n[Bender hods his hands to his ear units and shakes his head.]\n\nBENDER\nBlah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah\nblah blah blah blah...\n\n[Outside Past-O-Rama. The place has a Disneyland-esque theme\nto it and a slogan adorns a sign: \"It's Da Boom!\"]\n\n[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender, Leela and Fry walk around\nthe streets, crowded with other tourists. They pass shops such\nas 47th Street Butter Churns, Iowa Bagel Co and a cinema playing\nStar Wars 9: Yoda's Bar Mitzvah.]\n\nFRY\nCool, it's just like the good old days!\n\n[A man jumps Fry with a knife.]\n\nMUGGER\nGive me your wallet or I'll cut you!\n\n[Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nHey Leela, get a picture of me being\n\"mugged.\"\n\n[He dangles his wallet in front of the mugger and Leela takes\na photo.]\n\nMUGGER\nI'll take the camera too.\n\n[He takes it and runs out through an exit. Fry laughs until he\nrealises what has happened. He clears his throat.]\n\nBENDER\nLearning is fun.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela points at a screen with Dow: 11,107 on it.]\n\nLEELA\nOoo, ancient Wall Street.\n\n[The Dow drops to 7,539 and stockbrokers crowd around the windows\ninside.]\n\nSTOCKBROKER #1\nNo!\n\nSTOCKBROKER #2\nI'm ruined!\n\n[They throw themselves out of the window. The Dow goes back up\nto 11,108 and they fly back through the windows with jet-packs.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The trio have joined a tour group. The guide is\ndressed in old fashioned very pre-20th century American clothing.]\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nI direct your attention to this ancient\nand mysterious tablet which has yet\nto be deciphered.\n\n[He points to a parking sign. Leela turns to Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nDo you know what it means?\n\nFRY\nYeah I asked a cop once. It means \"Up\nyours kid.\"\n\n[Bender puts his arms around Fry and Leela.]\n\nBENDER\nI gotta say I'm really enjoying the\nday out with you people - Hey, a suicide\nbooth! So long suckers.\n\nFRY\nUh, sorry Bender that's just a phone\nbooth.\n\nBENDER\n(disappointed) Oh.\n\nLEELA\nWhat were they used for?\n\nFRY\nIn New York? Bathrooms.\n\nLEELA\nOh. I-I'll be out in a sec.\n\n[She walks into the phonebox.]\n\n[Past-O-Rama XLIInd Street Subway. A guy with an afro stands\nnext to some graffiti on the wall that just says \"graffiti.\"\nOn the same wall are two signs, one advertising \"Learn Spanglish\"\nand the other advertising \"Laser Tentacle Surgery\" in AL1. Bender,\nFry and Leela stand by a turnstile.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) Tokens only. (talking) How\ndoes this work?\n\nFRY\nI'll show you. Whup.\n\nBENDER\nOhh, it's a turnstile.\n\n[He hops over it and Leela follows with some fancy vaulting.]\n\n[Past-O-Rama Subway Train. Leela, Bender and Fry look around\nthe messy train car.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's this? Another bathroom?\n\nFRY\nNo, it's a mobile apartment with no\nrent.\n\n[He lies down on a seat and puts a newspaper over him. Bender\nhits him.]\n\nBENDER\nC'mon Fry get up!\n\n[Fry snarls like a grumpy homeless person and turns away from\nhim.]\n\n[Past-O-Rama Street. They walk out of the subway and head elsewhere.]\n\n[Past-O-Rama Tresures Of The Holy Tomb. The 20th century museum\nseems to be themed on Ancient Egypt. Leela reads a tour leaflet.]\n\nLEELA\nWow! The burial chamber of the 20th\ncentury's greatest spiritual leader\n- Al Sharpton.\n\n[Bender looks at a glass case of jewellery.]\n\nBENDER\nWow. Now this guy had taste!\n\nLEELA\nIt says he was mummified in ceremonial\nvestments.\n\nFRY\nWe sometimes called it a jogging suit.\n\n[Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a\nholo-film of a busy New York street, packed with cars.]\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) They traffic jams of Old\nNew York were a public forum of free\ninterchange of opinions.\n\n[In the holo-film the cars honk their horns.]\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) It all started with Gerald\nFord's famous invention, the \"automocar\"\n......which was powered by a tank of\nburning fossils. Here we see a 20th\ncentury assembly line where cars were\nconstructed by primative robots.\n\n[A metal door goes up and behind it robots dressed like cavemen\nbang car frames with clubs.]\n\nROBOTS\n(chanting) Ooga ooga ooga ooga ooga\nooga...\n\nBENDER\nWe've come a long way baby!\n\n[The walkway moves on.]\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) The fruit of the robots'\nlabour was this......the stately 1992\nLatoura.\n\nFRY\nHey, my girlfriend had one of those!\nActually it wasn't her's it was her\ndad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend.\nShe just lived next door and never closed\nher curtains.\n\nLEELA\nFry, remember when I told you about\nalways ending your stories a sentence\nearlier?\n\nFRY\nC'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look.\n\n[He peers in through the car's window. A man dressed in medieval\nclothes stands behind him.]\n\nMAN\nSir, we don't touch the antiques sir.\nYou - oh! I'm sorry. You work here.\nI should have realised from that ridiculous\ngetup you're wearing.\n\nFRY\nHey! This is from Miller's Outpo - uh,\nI mean, yeah, I work here alright!\n\n[The man hands him some keys.]\n\nMAN\nHere, move this rust bucket outside\nbehind Saint Koch's cathedral.\n\n[He moves away but takes one last look at Fry and laughs.]\n\n[Cut to: Car. Fry and Bender climb in the front and Leela sits\nin the back.]\n\nLEELA\nDid you drive much in the 20th century\nFry?\n\nFRY\nNope. No one in New York drove. There\nwas too much traffic. Nice! Listen\nto that baby purr!\n\nBENDER\nThere's a baby in there huh?\n\n[Fry looks in behind him, in the rear-view mirror and behind\nhim again.]\n\nFRY\nIt's just like riding a bicyc -\n\n[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. The car lurches forward\nand smashes through the wall.]\n\n[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The three scream as the car speeds\npast people and cuts up a taxi being pulled a rickshaw driver,\nwith a couple sat on the roof. The car mounts the pavement and\nthey carry on screaming.]\n\n[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Theatre. 26 dancebots can-can to a packed\ntheatre hall. The car ploughs through the wall and drives across\nthe stage, cutting off the dancebots' legs. The dancebots fall\nto the floor.]\n\n[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The car spins out of control past\na three-card-mont\u00e9-bot and finnaly crashes into something and\ncomes to a stop.]\n\n[Cut to: Car. The airbags inflate in the front and the three\ngroan.]\n\nBENDER\nI think I got whiplash.\n\nLEELA\nYou can't have whiplash, you don't have\na neck.\n\nBENDER\nI meant ass whiplash.\n\nFRY\nI'm just glad we hit something. I thought\nwe'd never stop.\n\n[He opens the door and gets out.]\n\n[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender and Leela get out too. There\nis a huge smoking dent in the front of the car. The trio gasp.\nThe thing that made the dent was another bending unit. It is\nBender's exact double, except for a goatee. The bending unit\nrubs it's ass.]\n\nBENDING UNIT\nOw! I think I got whiplash.\n\n[He falls unconcious.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Zoidberg, Leela and Hermes impatiently\npace around the room while Bender casually sits on the couch\nreading a magazine. Fry looks at a clock. 6:24. 6:25. Enter Farnsworth\nand Amy, wearing masks and work aprons. Farnsworth holds a blowtorch.]\n\nFRY\nHow's that robot I ran over?\n\n[Farnsworth lifts his mask.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe did all we could.\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nYou mean he's -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood as new? Yes.\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are assembled in\nthe room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this\nis Flexo.\n\n[He points to Flexo who is sat on a worktop.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except\nfor that stylish beard, he looks just\nlike Bender!\n\n[Flexo hops off the worktop. His voice is exactly like Bender's.]\n\nFLEXO\nNo duh dreadlock, we're both bending\nunits.\n\nBENDER\nHey brobot, what's you serial number?\n\nFLEXO\n3370318.\n\nBENDER\nNo way! Mine's 2716057!\n\n[They both laugh. Fry joins in then stops.]\n\nFRY\nI don't get it.\n\nBENDER\nWe're both expressable as the sum of\ntwo cubes.\n\n[Flexo cheers and they high five.]\n\nFRY\nSo uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your\nbody like that. You OK now?\n\nFLEXO\nWell I don't feel as bad as you look!\nNah I'm just messing with you kid.\nYou're alright. That's some face you\ngot though, I think they got a cream\nfor that. Nah, you're great.\n\nFRY\nWell just let me know if there's anything\nI can do to make it up to you.\n\nFLEXO\nActually your little stunt did a number\non my back. You mind rubbin' it for\nme?\n\nFRY\nUh...sure.\n\n[He starts rubbing Flexo's shoulders.]\n\nFLEXO\nAw yeah, that's it. A little lower.\n\n[Lower.]\n\nFRY\nHow's that?\n\nFLEXO\nLower. Yeah that's it. A little lower\nthough.\n\nFRY\nUh I can't get any lower than this.\n\nFLEXO\nI'll say, you're rubbing my ass!\n\n[He and Bender burst out laughing and high five again.]\n\n[Outside Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. A robot advertises\nwhat is inside.]\n\nROBOT #1\nHey, check it out here, six beautiful\ndevices. They know what you like and\nthey'll do it to within a tolerance\nof one micron!\n\n[Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. In the smokey strip club a\nFembot does a fan dance with real fans.]\n\nROBOT #2\nYeah spin those fans baby!\n\n[Another robot dog whistles.]\n\nROBOT #3\nAlright mama!\n\nROBOT #4\nGyrate baby!\n\n[Flexo and Bender smoke cigars. Fry coughs.]\n\nFRY\nI don't like this place. It's 120 degrees\nand there's very little oxygen.\n\nBENDER\nShut up and hoot. Hubba-hubba, she\nis built! In Mexico I believe.\n\nFLEXO\nAnd that ain't silicon. It's tungsten\n- and plenty of it!\n\nFRY\n(unsure) Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust\nfan.\n\nFLEXO\nEww!\n\nBENDER\nPervert.\n\nFLEXO\nYoo-hoo!\n\n[He waves a dollar and puts it into the stripperbot.]\n\nSTRIPPERBOT\nThanks moderate spender. Please select\nerotic transaction.\n\nFLEXO\nYeah, how 'bout a lapdance for my pal\nhere?\n\n[The stripperbot moves towards Fry.]\n\nFRY\nUh, no, that's alright. Ow! Ow!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning Fry sits at the\ntable with a plaster on his head and holding an icebag to it\nand wearing a neck brace.]\n\nFRY\nI'm telling you there's something about\nFlexo I don't like.\n\n[Enter Flexo and Bender.]\n\nFLEXO\nHey Fry, think fast. Get it? It's chlorine!\n\n[He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's funny because it's poisonous!\n\nFRY\nYeah keep laughing brineshrimp but he's\nbad news. I regret ever running him\nover.\n\nHERMES\nTake a rage dump man. He's no worse\nthan Bender.\n\nFRY\nHe's much worse. He drinks, he smokes\nand he posts naked pictures of me on\nthe internet.\n\nAMY\nThat's Bender alright.\n\nFRY\nI'm talking about Flexo.\n\nLEELA\nOh I get it, this is cute. You're jealous\nof Bender's new friend!\n\nFRY\nNo I'm not. Mark my words. Flexo's evil.\nHe's the evil Bender.\n\nHERMES\nRage dump!\n\n[Farnsworth appears on the big screen.]\n\n[Everyone looks around in confusion.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bedroom. Farnsworth sits on his\nfour-poster bed while the crew and Flexo are gathered around.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEveryone get in bed with me. I have\nsomething to show you. Feast your eyes\non this!\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's beautiful.\n\nAMY\nAnd huge.\n\nFRY\nCan I touch it?\n\n[Behind the curtains Farnsworth holds a big glowing atom.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo what is it already?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's a single atom of jumbonium. And\nelement so rare, the nucleus alone is\nworth more than $50,000.\n\nBENDER\nHow much more?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n100,000. That's why I hid it here. Under\nmy mattress.\n\nLEELA\nUh Professor, can we discuss this somewhere\nelse?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy certainly.\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bathroom. Farnsworth sits in the\nbath still holding the atom a toy scale model of the Planet Express\nship floats in the bath with him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe atom sits atop this dime stored\ntiara which will be awarded to the winner\nof this years Miss Universe pageant\non the planet Tova 9. Your job is to\ndeliver it, safe and sound.\n\nAMY\nWow, when I was a little girl on Mars\nI dreamed of being Miss Universe.\n\nLEELA\nThat's kinda pathetic.\n\nAMY\nAw come on Leela. Deep down all girls\nwanna be Miss Universe.\n\nLEELA\nNot me.\n\nAMY\nReally? Maybe it's just cute girls.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDue to the atom's tremendous value,\nPlanet Express would go bankrupt if\nit was stolen. Therefore we'll need\nto hire on additional security for the\nmission.\n\n[Flexo raises his hand.]\n\nFLEXO\nOh oh Mr Professor, right here!\n\nFRY\nUh, maybe we should stick with people\nwe know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great\nbut -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFlexo's great you say? Well that's good\nenough for me. Welcome aboard lad.\n\n[Flexo cackles.]\n\n[The ship speeds away from Earth en route to Tova 9.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela puts the atom in a transparent\nsafe and locks it. She turns around, holding a laser.]\n\nLEELA\nSpace banditos have been operating in\nthis quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour\nshifts guarding the safe. First Bender,\nthen Flexo, then Fry.\n\nFRY\nWait, I don't like the sound of that.\nLet's just go alphabetically.\n\nLEELA\nOK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.\n\nFRY\nWait, let's go by rank.\n\nLEELA\nOK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.\n\nFRY\nFlexo outranks me?\n\nFLEXO\nThat's \"Flexo outranks me, sir\"!\n\n[He pokes Fry. Then some more.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender's shift has started. He stands with his laser\npoises, rotating his head around. The cargo bay door opens. Enter\nFry. Bender points the laser at him.]\n\nBENDER\nHalt. Who goes there?\n\nFRY\nDon't point that at me.\n\nBENDER\nFry who?\n\nFRY\nLook, I know Flexo's your friend but\nI don't trust him alone with the atom.\n\nBENDER\nMy God Fry just 'cause the guy's got\na beard you label him as evil? Well\nI got a label for you pal. An ugly little\nword called \"prejudice.\"\n\nFRY\nI'm not prejudiced.\n\nBENDER\nAh save it for the cross burning Adolf!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is gone and Bender sits with his feet on the\nsafe reading Pentiumhouse magazine. Enter Flexo.]\n\nFLEXO\nKeeping an eye on the safe?\n\n[Bender puts down the magazine. He only has one eye.]\n\nBENDER\nYou know it!\n\n[He points at his other eye sitting on a crate the other side\nof the cargo bay, watching the safe.]\n\nFLEXO\nWell, looks like it's my shift. You\nlie down and go offline for a while.\n\n[Bender yawns.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright.\n\n[He picks up his eye and walks out the room whistling. The door\ncloses behind him and Flexo laughs as he looks at the atom. Fry\njumps out from behind a crate.]\n\nFRY\nCaught you! I saw you looking at the\natom!\n\nFLEXO\nSo? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't\nyou be resting up for your shift?\n\nFRY\nOh-ho you'd like it if I went to sleep\nwouldn't you?\n\nFLEXO\nWhatever it takes to shut your yapper.\nNah, I'm just kidding you, you're a\njoker.\n\nFRY\nYeah well here's a funny joke. I'm gonna\nsit right here till it's my shift.\n\nFLEXO\nSuit yourself skinbag.\n\nFRY\nThat I will.\n\nFLEXO\nGood.\n\nFRY\nGood.\n\nFLEXO\nGood.\n\nFRY\nGood.\n\nFLEXO\nGood.\n\nFRY\nGood. Good.\n\n[Time Lapse. Flexo sits with the laser, bored, while Fry paces\nup and down. Fry's watch beeps.]\n\nFRY\nWell, that's eight hours.\n\n[He snatches the laser from Flexo.]\n\nFLEXO\nYeah eight hours of solid boredom.\nNah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful\nman.\n\n[He leaves and Fry sits down.]\n\nFRY\nFinally, the atom is safe.\n\n[He falls asleep immediately.]\n\n[The ship flies towards Tova 9.]\n\n[Outside Miss Universe Pageant. The ship lands on a landing pad\nnear a sign informing people that \"Contestants May Not Exceed\nMore Than 50% Implant.\"]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. The ship shakes as it lands and Fry\nwakes up. He screams. The safe is broken and the atom is gone.\nLeela runs in.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it? My God! Did you hear maracas?\n\nFRY\nNo.\n\nLEELA\nThen it wasn't space banditos. Bender,\nlock down the ship, don't let Flexo\nescape.\n\n[Behind her Bender is wearing a blue scarf around his neck.]\n\nBENDER\nAye aye captain. It appears that Flexo\nhas outwitted us all. Especially me...Bender.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela and Fry look at the broken safe.]\n\nLEELA\nHow could Flexo have stolen the atom?\n\nFRY\nHe must have used a sleep ray on me.\nSleep rays exist in the future right?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nFRY\nThen I must've fallen asleep.\n\nLEELA\nWell you were sure right about Flexo\nbeing evil.\n\n[Bender peers around the doorway, the bottom of his face and\nhis body obscured by the wall.]\n\nBENDER\nI locked down the ship but he may have\nalready gotten away.\n\nLEELA\nOK, thanks Bender. Let's fan out and\nlook for him.\n\nBENDER\nRoger that, I got a map of the ship\nright here.\n\n[He walks into full view carrying a big map that hides his body\nand lower face. Leela walks over to him and whispers to him.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Keep an eye on Fry. We\ncan't rule out the possibility that\nhe did it.\n\n[Ship's Medical Lab. Leela sneaks in with her laser at the ready.\nShe flicks on the lights and positions herself by a cupboard\nmarked \"Emergency Supplies.\"]\n\nLEELA\nAha!\n\n[She opens the cupboard but all that is in there is a clown suit.]\n\n[Leela's Quarters. Fry snoops around by a chest of drawers.]\n\nFRY\nAha! Uh searching...hmm.\n\n[Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nFry? Why are you looking for Flexo in\nmy underpants drawer?\n\nFRY\nI didn't find him here 10 minutes ago\nso I thought it was time to check again.\n\n[Leela slaps his hand. Bender walks in with the map covering\nhim again.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, he wasn't in the uh, kitchen room.\n\nFRY\n(suspicious) Say Bender, can I hold\nthat map for a second?\n\nBENDER\nAny leave me high and dry in case of\na scavenger hunt? I think not.\n\n[Fry starts pulling at the map but Bender holds onto it, with\nit still covering his face.]\n\nFRY\nGive it up!\n\n[They struggle for a bit and Fry eventually pulls it away, revealing\nBender to be wearing his green turtleneck that covers his chin.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright, take it. Sheesh.\n\n[He leaves. Fry eyes him suspiciously.]\n\n[Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela and Fry inspect the safe again.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, looks like Flexo got away clean.\n\n[Bender is stood behind Fry wearing another scarf.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's a darn shame.\n\nLEELA\nHe must have jumped ship with the atom\nthe second we landed.\n\nFRY\nOr maybe, he never left at all! Wait\na minute. You're Bender.\n\nBENDER\nOf course, who said I wasn't?\n\nFRY\nBut why were you wearing that scarf,\nthat turtleneck and this fruity number?\n\nBENDER\nIt's a little thing called \"style.\"\nLook it up sometime.\n\n[He puts the scarf back on.]\n\n[Outside Miss Universe Pageant. A screen advertises the Miss\nUniverse pageant tonight and the Miss Parallel Universe pageant\ntomorrow. Flexo runs into the building laughing evily.]\n\n[Miss Universe Pageant. Inside, the finalists are lined up, all\nof them grotesque monsters. Bob Barker's head in a jar hosts.]\n\nBARKER\nOur ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet;\nHalatina Smogmeyer. And our tenth and\nfinal finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, the\nCrushinator.\n\n[The Crushinator rolls in and crushes some shoes.]\n\nCRUSHINATOR\n(mechanical voice) Thank you Bob Barker,\nI'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.\n\nBARKER\nWhich one of these lovely womanoids\nwill take home the lovely tiara?\n\n[From the side of the stage Leela peers around the curtains and\ngestures to Barker.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Downplay the tiara.\n\nBARKER\nUh, we'll find out after these subliminal\nmessages.\n\n[Bob Barker's Dressing Room. The Planet Express crew are with\nhim.]\n\nBARKER\nSo you lost the atom huh? You're garbage,\nhuman garbage! Do you braindead space\njockeys have any idea how much that\nthing is worth?\n\nFRY\n100,000?\n\nLEELA\n200,000?\n\nBENDER\n200,001?\n\n[Barker looks at Leela.]\n\nBARKER\nYou're closest without going over.\n\nFRY\nWell, we'll be leaving now. If you'll\njust sign this form saying you received\nthe atom.\n\nBARKER\nI'm not signing squat. You find me that\ndamn tiara before the pageant ends.\n\nLEELA\nBut Mr Barker -\n\nBARKER\nEnough out of you. I may be against\nthe fur industry, but that won't stop\nme from skinning you alive! As long\nas no one wears the skin.\n\n[A woman wheels him out.]\n\nLEELA\nWell gentlemen, it appears we're boned.\n\n[Flexo wanders past the open door.]\n\nFRY\nFlexo!\n\nLEELA\nGet him!\n\n[Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Unnamed Planet #2859-B plays\nthe William Tell tune on a bugle. She stops and takes her hands\naway revealing the bugle to be her nose. The judges give their\nscores. Florp from planet Trisol gives her an 8, Calculon gives\nher a nine and Zapp Brannigan holds up a \"Room 715\" sign and\nshakes the keys to the room sexfully.]\n\nBARKER\nNext up in what is generously called\nthe \"Talent Competition,\" performing\na traditional gangster rap, Miss - what\nthe?\n\n[Flexo runs onto the stage followed by Bender, Fry and Leela.\nThe women scream and Bender dives on Flexo.]\n\nBENDER\nGot you!\n\n[They get up and try punching each other, each moving exactly\nthe same way and getting nowhere.]\n\nWOMEN\n(chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!\nFight!\n\n[Leela points a laser at the two robots. They have their hands\nat each others throats, covering any suspicious goatee that might\nhelp tell them apart.]\n\nBENDER\nShoot him, he's choking me!\n\nFLEXO\nNo shoot him, he's choking me!\n\n[They struggle and beads of sweat trickle down Leela's face.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't know which one to shoot.\n\nFRY\nFlexo! Shoot Flexo!\n\n[Bender and Flexo fence each other using their antennas and they\nbreak through a wall.]\n\n[Cut to: Miss Universe Dressing Room. The Miss Universe contestants\nrun away screaming, covering themselves with towels. An Amazonian\nseperates them.]\n\nAMAZONIAN\nWomen only room!\n\n[She lifts them up.]\n\n[Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. The jellyfish creature Zoidberg\nhooked up with in A Flight To Remember is in the middle of her\nrap. Bender and Flexo fly out through the hole in the wall and\nknock her over. They cover each others chins again.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, enough of this. There's the\natom!\n\nBENDER\nAw jeez.\n\nFRY\nBender? You stole the atom?\n\nBENDER\nYeah but I can explain, it's very valuable.\n\nFLEXO\nI saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep.\nThat's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.\n\nFRY\nWhoa whoa, you mean Bender is the evil\nBender? I am shocked, shocked! Well\nnot that shocked.\n\nLEELA\nI'm sorry we suspected you Flexo. It's\njust, what with the beard and all.\n\nFLEXO\nDon't even bother. You people sicken\nme. I put my life on the line to guard\nthat atom and this is how you repay\nme? Well you can go rot for all I care.\nNah, I'm just kidding, you guys are\nalright.\n\n[He walks off laughing.]\n\nFRY\nI'm so confused. The Bender I liked\nturn out to be evil and the Bender I\nhated was good. How can I live my life\nwhen I can't tell good from evil?\n\nBENDER\nEh, they're both fine choices, whatever\nfloats your boat.\n\n[He takes out a cigar and smokes it.]\n\n[Miss Universe Pageant Backstage. Bob Barker reads a book the\nwoman is holding. URL and Smitty drag Flexo in behind him.]\n\nURL\nIs this the guy?\n\nBARKER\nHuh? Oh yeah, that looks like him. Whatever.\n\nFLEXO\nWait, but I -\n\nBARKER\nTake him away.\n\n[Miss Universe Pageant. The contestants are all lined up ready\nfor the winner to be announced.]\n\nBARKER\nAlright, let's put an end to this pathetic\nhoedown. Brannigan read the thing.\n\nZAPP\nAnd the winner is...\n\n[He starts to open the envelope. Leela, Fry and Bender watch\nfrom the side of the stage.]\n\nLEELA\nIt figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan\nwould be judging the most chauvinistic,\ndegrading, dehumanising -\n\n[Zapp turns around.]\n\nZAPP\nHuh? Leela?\n\n[Everyone applauds and a spotlight moves to Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nWait, you're making a - Ooo! Look at\nthat. I feel like a princess.\n\n[She starts to cry and walks on the stage and waves to the applauding\naudience.]\n\nZAPP\nWait. What are you people, idiots? I'm\nstill going mano a mano with this envelope.\nMiss Vega 4. (singing) There it is,\nMiss Universe. There it is, looking\nweird.\n\n[The tiara sinks into Miss Vega 4. Fry, Leela and Bender watch.\nLeela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nI almost had that tiara.\n\nBENDER\nMe too.\n\nFRY\nWell, you guys might both be losers\nbut I just made out with that radiator\nwoman from the radiator planet.\n\nLEELA\nFry, that's a radiator.\n\nFRY\nOh. Is there a burn ward within 10\nfeet of here?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Raging-Bender.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 212\n\n\"RAGING BENDER\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Nominated For Three Glemmys.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around\nthe table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone. I've taught the\ntoaster to feel love. And Hermes returns\nfrom his vacation today.\n\n[Enter Hermes. There is a Brain Slug attached to his head. It\nis a small green blob with one eye and two antennae. Hermes has\na glazed expression. The others seem oblivious.]\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) Good morning, people.\n\nFRY\nHey, Hermes!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHello!\n\nLEELA\nGood to see you.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYo!\n\nBENDER\nMy man!\n\n[Hermes sits down.]\n\nAMY\nSo how was the Spleef Nebula?\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) The flight had a stopover\non the Brain Slug planet. Hermes liked\nit so much he decided to stay of his\nown free will.\n\nFRY\nHermes has all the fun. Wait a second!\nHe's got a Brain Slug on his head!\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Shh! You're gonna get us\nall assimilated!\n\nAMY\n(whispering) Just act normal and switch\nto a garlic shampoo.\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) On to new business. Today's\nmission is for all of you to go to the\nBrain Slug planet.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat are we going to do there?\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) Just walk around not wearing\na helmet.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSounds great, Hermes! Whatever you say.\n(whispering) Let's ditch him and go\nto the movies!\n\nFRY\nHey, yeah!\n\n[The others agree.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm seeing a movie with friends!\n\n[They get up and leave. Hermes starts droning.]\n\n[Outside Loew's Aleph-0 Plex. Some of the movies showing are\nIt Came From Planet Earth, Shaft On Africon-9 and When A Man\nLoves A Smizmar. The gang look at some others that are advertised\noutside. Fry points at a Galaxy Wars poster.]\n\nFRY\nCool, let's see this one!\n\nLEELA\nNah. I'm not in the mood for a historical\ndocumentary. I've heard good things\nabout Quizblorg, Quizblorg.\n\n[She points to a poster which features two smartly-dressed green\nblobs picnicking on green grass.]\n\nAMY\nGuk! I hate subtitles. Alien films are\nso pretentious.\n\nZOIDBERG\nFellows! Fellows! How about a film we\ncan all enjoy? Planet Of The Clams.\nIt's about an upside-down world where\nlobster is slave to clam.\n\nBENDER\nWho invited you? Let's just see All\nMy Circuits: The Movie.\n\nFRY\nYeah, I wanna see that.\n\n[The others agree.]\n\nBENDER\nGood point, Bender.\n\n[Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Refreshments. A robot with flashing zits\nstands behind the counter.]\n\nFRY\nI'll take a small Slurm.\n\nREFRESHMENT-BOT\nFor only 25 cents less, you can get\na super-small.\n\nFRY\nUh, OK. Oh, man!\n\nBENDER\nHey, gimmie a large diet malt liquor\nand a popcorn with extra motor oil.\n\n[The robot pumps oil onto the tub of popcorn.]\n\n[Loew's Aleph-0 Plex Auditorium. Farnsworth is sat in the front\nrow.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDown in front!\n\n[The others are sat a few rows back. An old-fashioned black and\nwhite newsreel starts.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nGlagnar's Human Rinds presents: This\nWeek In The Universe.\n\n[The titles come on and show a biplane flying around a galaxy.]\n\nFRY\n(sarcastic) Ooh, this is real futuristic!\n\n[The guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 are sat at the other\nend of the row.]\n\nCROW T. ROBOT\nShh! Don't talk during the movie.\n\nANNOUNCER\nThis week in the universe: New New\nYork mayor C. Randall Poopenmeyer opens\na new tube line to alleviate rush hour\ntraffic. Dateline: Paramecium Homeworld.\nNewly-crowned Miss Universe Glady's\nLennox entertains troops fighting to\nwipe out the human race. Go get 'em,\nboys! And in the world of Ultimate\nRobot Fighting, the Masked Unit wins\nhis championship bout against Gorgeous\nGonks by technical melting.\n\n[The Masked Unit throws the other robot to the canvas and melts\nhim using eye lasers. Bender waves his arm in the air.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Go Masked Unit! Uh, hey,\nbuddy! Yo! You mind taking your head\noff?\n\nROBOT\nI'm sorry, sir, but I need it to watch\nthe movie.\n\nBENDER\nJust ask Flabby over here to describe\nit to you later.\n\nROBOT\nSir, she is as the factory made her.\n\nBENDER\nWell they should have stopped making\nher about halfway through.\n\n[A \"Not Suitable For Aliens From Planet M-14\" restriction comes\nup on the screen. Two three-eyed, three-legged aliens grumble\nand leave. The opening credits roll with a Bond-esque theme and\ntitles complete with naked Fembot silhouettes and guns. Credits\nlike \"Directed by Directing Unit 4\", \"Written by Writing Unit\n5 and Writing Unit 12 & Joe Eszterhas\" come up. A Fembot dives\noff the end of a laser barrel.]\n\nFEMBOT\nWhee!\n\n[A wipe opens on Calculon sitting in an office.]\n\nCALCULON\nWell, that finishes this paperwork.\nCalculon Enterprises.\n\nMONIQUE\nCalculon, a fight scene has broken\nout at the special effects warehouse.\nCome quickly before a fiery explosion\nchases someone down a hallway.\n\n[Two laser blasts hit a building behind her. Calculon hangs up.]\n\nCALCULON\nI have no choice but to--\n\n[The scene freezes.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nIf you want Calculon to race to the\nlaser gun battle in his hover-Ferarri,\npress 1. If you want Calculon to double-check\nhis paperwork, press 2. Enter now.\n\n[\"1. Violent Lasergun Battle\" and \"2. Tedious Paperwork\" appear\non screen. Confused, Fry presses \"1\" on his chair.]\n\nCHAIR\nYou have pressed 2.\n\nFRY\nNo I didn't!\n\nCHAIR\nI'm almost positive you did.\n\n[Time Lapse. Night has fallen outside. Calculon is checking his\npaperwork.]\n\nCALCULON\nAdd in the carryover from form 16A,\nthen deduct line 2B...\n\n[Bender kicks the back of the robot's chair.]\n\nROBOT\nPardon me, sir. But you seem to be inadvertently\nkicking my seat.\n\nBENDER\n(mocking) \"Pardon me, sir. But you seem\nto be bleh bleh...\"\n\nROBOT\nYes, that's the gist of what I said.\nWould you mind?\n\nBENDER\nSure thing, pal.\n\n[He carries on kicking the chair.]\n\nROBOT\nUh, sir?\n\n[Bender flicks a kernel at the robot's head then turns around.]\n\nBENDER\n(fake shocked) Who threw that?!\n\nROBOT\nThat's it! Sir, I challenge you to fisticuffs!\n\n[Bender laughs as the robot transforms into what a muscular robot\nwould look like if they had muscles.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, I'm boned.\n\n[The robot shoots laser beams from his eyes at Bender. Bender\nducks out of the way and the laser beams hit his seat. Other\npeople run, screaming as the movie jams and the lights come back\non.]\n\nHATTIE\nLet's all go to the lobby!\n\n[Bender, still clutching his popcorn, runs from the robot as\nit tramples down seats. Bender runs across the front row of seats,\npast Farnsworth who hasn't moved, and stops when he reaches a\nwall. He drops his popcorn. The robot's voice is much deeper.]\n\nROBOT\nI'm gonna open a pile whup-ass on you!\n\n[He steps forward and slips on the motor oil and falls to the\nground. He groans and shuts down. The others gather around. Leela\ngasps.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, do you know who that was?\n\n[She opens a panel in the front of the robot. It is the Masked\nUnit.]\n\nMAN #1\nCripes! The Masked Unit! You knocked\nhim out cold.\n\n[The others gasp and murmur.]\n\nMAN #2\nI'm impressed.\n\n[Flabby puts her arms around Bender. A man wearing a brown suit\nand a red tie with extremely bushy eyebrows pushes through the\ncrowd. His name is Abner Doubledeal.]\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nSon, I'm the commissioner of Ultimate\nRobot Fighting. I'm a connoisseur of\njerks like you who pick fights in movie\ntheatres and you're the biggest I've\never seen.\n\nBENDER\nYou should see me at funerals.\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nKid, I want you in the Ultimate Robot\nFighting League.\n\nBENDER\nUltimate Robot Fighting? Sounds pleasant!\nI'll do it.\n\n[The crowd cheers and waves.]\n\nFLABBY\nMy hero!\n\n[She kisses him. Farnsworth still hasn't moved and wipes his\neyes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAw. They don't make movies like this\nanymore.\n\n[He blows his nose.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are gathered around\nBender.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm gonna be the greatest Ultimate Robot\nFighter ever. Float like a floatbot,\nsting like an automatic stinging machine!\n\nAMY\nBender, you can't be an Ultimate Robot\nFighter. It's the most brutal form of\ncompetition in the galaxy!\n\nBENDER\nIt is?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere are no rules. Two robots enter,\none robot leaves. Then later the other\nrobot leaves after being declared the\nwinner.\n\nBENDER\nWell, that doesn't sound so bad.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, did I mention the crippling, agonising\npain? I'm pretty sure I did. Oh, yes,\ndefinitely.\n\nBENDER\nCrippling pain? That's not covered by\nmy insurance fraud! Count me out.\n\nLEELA\nNo! You've got to do it. I don't care\nhow suicidal it is.\n\nFRY\nHey! How come when I wanna do fun stuff\nthat'll kill me you're against it?\n\nLEELA\nThis is more important than that marble-eating\ncontest, Fry! It's about pride. Let\nme tell you a story from my childhood.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, again with the orphanarium!\n\nLEELA\nWhen I was growing up at the orphanarium,\nI got picked on a lot...\n\n[Flashback: A teenage Leela and some teenage boys are dressed\nin martial arts uniforms.]\n\nLEELA\n(voice-over) ...My only outlet was Arcturan\nKung Fu.\n\n[Teenage Leela takes on two guys and floors them. Her teacher,\na green alien called Fnog watches.]\n\nFNOG\nExcellent. Bill, Keith, you will go\nto Junior Championships. Bill, congratulate\nKeith when he regains consciousness.\n\nLEELA\nBut, Master Fnog, I can beat these dorks\nwith one eye closed.\n\nFNOG\nPerhaps. But there is more to winning\nthan beating your opponent. You lack\nthe will of the warrior.\n\nLEELA\nWhat do you mean? Watch this!\n\n[She kicks Bill in the stomach.]\n\nBILL\n(crying) Ow!\n\nFNOG\nNo girl has the will of a warrior. You\nhave the will of a housewife or, at\nbest, the schoolmarm.\n\nLEELA\nThat's it. I'll take you on right now.\n\nFNOG\nVery well. But, you see, I have the\nwill of the warrior. Therefore, the\nbattle is already over. The winner?\nMe! Rematch? You lose again! Had enough?\nI thought so!\n\n[He and the other guys laugh.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nLEELA\nI lost my chance to be a champion. I\nwon't let you throw away yours.\n\nBENDER\nLeela's right! I don't wanna end up\na loser like her. Count me back in!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The table, chairs and water cooler have\nbeen pushed to the window side of the room so there is an open\ntraining area for Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nLet's see what you got. Touch your toes.\n\n[Bender reaches down but struggles. His torso snaps off at his\nwaist and the top half of his body falls to the floor. He tries\nto reach his toes but is too far away.]\n\nBENDER\nStill ... can't ... reach!\n\n[Montage: Leela does a flying kick and indicates for Bender to\ntry. He kicks his leg and it extends and wraps itself around\nhis neck, choking him. Next, Bender does one-armed press ups,\nfirst with his left arm, then his right, and then with neither.\nA car jack comes out of his chest and pushes him up and down.\nHe stands up.]\n\nBENDER\nLet's commence preparations for rumbling!\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers are packed for RobotMania\nXXVII. Leela rubs Rust-Oleum onto Bender's shoulders. The referee\nis an alien shaped like one of Kif's species but has black and\nwhite stripes running down his body.]\n\nREFEREE\nLadies and gentlemen and smizmars, welcome\nto tonight's main event. In this corner,\nfrom Mom's Friendly Robot Factory in\nAmerica's heartland, Mexico: Bender!\nAnd in this corner, from and made of\nParts Unknown: The Clearcutter!\n\n[The Clearcutter is a lumberjack robot with an axe on the end\nof one arm and a chainsaw on another. The other Planet Express\nstaff are sat with Bender's fans.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Bender rules!\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) I got you an official Bender\nhat.\n\n[He takes a Brain Slug out of his jacket and hands it to Fry.]\n\nFRY\nWow! Thanks, Hermes! I-- Hey! Cut that\nout!\n\n[He hands it back. The fight bell rings.]\n\nBENDER\nYou can't hit what you can't see!\n\n[The Clearcutter kicks Bender against the ropes. He bounces back\nand the Clearcutter hits him with the axe. He throws Bender down\nand Bender groans.]\n\nLEELA\nGet up, Bender. You can't quit every\ntime you get an axe in the back. Or\na drill through your face. Now quit\nscratching your axe-hole and get out\nthere.\n\n[Bender stands up again. The Clearcutter leans on the ropes,\nmaking them tense. He then cuts through the post and is catapulted\ntowards Bender. Bender tries a flying kick. His leg wraps around\nhis neck and the Clearcutter hits his footcup. The Clearcutter\nsparks and his head explodes, followed by the rest of his body.\nBender looks at the flaming wreckage.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh?\n\nREFEREE\nAnd the winner is ... Bender!\n\n[He holds up his severed arm. Bender takes it and puts it back\nin its socket. The crowd cheers.]\n\n[Locker Room. Doubledeal walks in with Bender. Bender has a plaster\nover the hole in his head.]\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nNice work out there, kid.\n\nBENDER\nY'know, I think I he might be dead.\nI took a life!\n\n[He cheers. Enter the Clearcutter, all in one piece.]\n\nCLEARCUTTER\nHi, boss. Yo, dude!\n\nBENDER\nHey, he's not dead. What's up with that?\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nWhat, you didn't read the pamphlet?\nUltimate Robot Fighting's a scam, kid.\nIt's rigged. It's a secret so keep\nit under your head. But the most popular\nrobot always wins.\n\nBENDER\nYou mean I'm not a great fighter? I\njust won 'cause I'm popular?\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nBingo!\n\nBENDER\nWoo-hoo! I'm popular!\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nIn fact, you're more than popular; You're\npure lowest common denominator.\n\n[Bender does a victory dance.]\n\nBENDER\nGo Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. Another fight.]\n\nREFEREE\nPresenting Bender the Offender!\n\nBENDER\nI'm just an ex-con trying to go straight\nand get my kids back.\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nREFEREE\nVersus: Billionairebot!\n\n[Billionairebot laughs in a snooty way. He wears a top hat and\nmonocle and cash is built in to his hands. The crowd boos. The\nfight starts. Bender takes Billionairebot's watch from his pocket\nand wraps it around him, trapping his arms. He picks up a barrel\nfrom outside the ring with \"Very Poor\" written on it and puts\nit over Billionairebot. The crowd cheers.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nREFEREE\nVersus: The Foreigner!\n\n[The stereotypical Spanish robot turns to the crowd.]\n\nFOREIGNER\nI'm not from here! I have my own customs!\nLook at my crazy passport!\n\n[While he isn't looking, Bender grabs him from behind and stuffs\nthe Earth flag in his mouth and kicks him out of the ring.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nREFEREE\nVersus: The Chain Smoker!\n\n[The robot looks like a cigarette machine. The crowd boos.]\n\nCHAIN SMOKER\nI love smoking. And after I win the\nfight I'm heading straight to your favourite\nrestaurant.\n\n[He blows smoke over the crowd. Bender takes a chair out of his\nchest cabinet and hits him with it then smokes a cigar.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela sits impatiently on the press\nbench tapping her foot. Bender walks in wearing a furry coat\nand with his arms around two Fembots.]\n\nBENDER\nYou know, I'm also an Ultimate Robot\nLover.\n\n[The Fembots giggle.]\n\nLEELA\nBender! You're three hours late. You\ncan't give up on your training now after\nboth of us worked so hard.\n\nBENDER\nWhat do you mean, \"we\"?\n\nLEELA\nI said \"us\".\n\nBENDER\nHey, Bender the Offender doesn't need\nyou. Bender the Offender doesn't need\nanybody!\n\nFEMBOT #1\nWhat about us, Mr. The Offender?\n\nBENDER\nWell obviously I need floozies! Let's\nroll!\n\n[They walk out.]\n\n[URFL Building: Doubledeal's Office. Bender walks in with the\nFembots. Doubledeal is there along with Billionairebot, the Chain\nSmoker and the Foreigner.]\n\nBENDER\nHowdy, chief. For my next bout, what\ndo you say I fight these two bimbos\nin some mud?\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nActually, we've decided to go in a different\ndirection.\n\nBENDER\nWhat if I told your we wouldn't be fighting\nin the conventional sense?\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nBender, your popularity is slipping.\n\n[He holds up a chart with a red line pointing down.]\n\nFOREIGNER\nSales of your Bender Brand French milk\nbath soaps are down 20%.\n\n[Bender takes one and sniffs it.]\n\nBENDER\nThose morons! I said pea berry, not\nsandalwood!\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nDamnit, Bender! If you can't move sandalwood,\nyou don't belong in this league! That's\nwhy you're gonna lose next week's title\nmatch.\n\nBENDER\nBut the crowd loves me.\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nPerhaps. But let's see how they feel\nabout your new persona: The Gender Bender.\n\n[He holds up a pink tutu with \"The Gender Bender\" written on\nit.]\n\nBILLIONAIREBOT\nYou'll be the most unpopular robot fighter\nsince Sergeant Faeces Processor.\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah? Well what if I don't let\nthe new guy win?\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nThen he'll just have to beat you the\nold-fashioned way: To death! Melissa,\nsend in the new kid.\n\n[A shutter door slides open. A huge robot, covered in spikes,\nenters via the wall.]\n\nDESTRUCTOR\nI am Destructor!\n\n[He laughs maniacally. Bender puts the tutu on.]\n\nBENDER\n(squeaky) See you at the fight.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch with the\nothers around him.]\n\nBENDER\nSo then I said, \"See you at the fight\".\nAnd that's the story.\n\nFRY\nMan, I thought Ultimate Robot Fighting\nwas real, like pro wrestling. But it\nturns out it's fixed, like boxing.\n\nBENDER\nIt's one thing to win a fixed fight\n-- there's dignity in that. But to lose?\nAnd in this atrocity? I can't do it!\nLeela, you gotta train me to win.\n\nLEELA\nNo way! If you wouldn't take my help\nwhen you didn't need it, why should\nI give it to you now when you do need\nit?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat the hell are you talking about?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know. But I'm not helping.\n\n[She turns on the TV. Bender the Offender is standing on top\nof the world with the Earth flag waving behind him.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nYou loved him as Bender the Offender!\nNow get ready to hate him as he threatens\nyour sexuality in his new persona ...\nThe Gender Bender!\n\n[The picture is replaced with Bender in the tutu wearing a wig.\nHe is lying on a bed kicking his legs back and forth and holding\na pink phone.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm a real toughie!\n\nANNOUNCER\nSquaring off this Sunday versus Destructor!\n\n[The picture is replaced with Destructor talking into a red phone.\n\nDESTRUCTOR\nI will destroy you! And stop calling\nme!\n\n[The camera pans down to his feet where Master Fnog is standing.]\n\nFNOG\nI am Destructor's trainer, Master Fnog.\nMy pupil will be victorious for he has\nthe will of a warrior!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nNot Fnog! Bender, let's hit the gym.\nI'm gonna teach you to fight like a\ngirl!\n\nBENDER\n(determined) I'll put on my tutu!\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. Thousands have turned out for the championship\nbout where there is \"no\" gambling. The crowds cheer as Howard\nCosell's voice introduces the fight.]\n\n\"COSELL\"\nHello and welcome to a remarkable championship\nbout. Destructor, a robotic armoured\ntank whose very use at battle has been\nruled a war crime versus, Gender Bender,\nwho wears a pink tutu. This is Rich\nLittle imitating Howard Cosell, here\nat ringside with George Foreman. George,\na word in edgewise?\n\nFOREMAN\nThis could be the most one-sided fight\nsince 1973 when Ali faced an 80-foot\ntall mechanical Joe Frazier. M-My memory's\nnot what it used to be but I think the\nentire Earth was destroyed.\n\nLITTLE\nInteresting, if true. The Vegas odds\ntonight stand at an unprecedented 1000-0:\nA bet of $0 on Bender pays $1000 if\nhe wins. Still, very few takers.\n\nFOREMAN\nIt's not-not a smart bet.\n\n[In the ring, Fnog does some last-minute training with Destructor.\nBender punches the pads on Hermes' hands while Leela reads through\nthe script.]\n\nLEELA\nAccording to the script, you're supposed\nto prance out and tickle him with your\nfairy wand. Instead, I want you to prance\nout and kick his head off!\n\nBENDER\nGot it. Large kickle, hold the tickle!\n\n[He throws some kicks and kicks off Hermes' Brain Slug.]\n\nHERMES\nThank God I'm free of that nightmare!\n\nBENDER\nSorry, buddy. Here you go!\n\n[He puts it back on top of Hermes' head.]\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) Thank you. It was cold\ndown there on the floor.\n\n[Amy, Zoidberg and Farnsworth are sat in the bleachers.]\n\nAMY\nHere, Professor, I got you a programme.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, good. Just let me put on my reading\nglasses. Why, Zoidberg, there's a lovely\nphoto of you in here.\n\n[The bell rings and the referee's mic drops into the ring.]\n\nREFEREE\nIn this corner, the confused young robot\nwith the golden curls weighing 525lbs:\nThe Gender Bender!\n\n[The crowd boos.]\n\nZAPP\nBoo!\n\nNIXON\nGet that hippie out of the ring!\n\nREFEREE\nAnd in these two corners, weighing 400\ntons, the gizmo from Pismo ... Beach,\nDestructor!\n\n[Destructor bangs his knuckles together. Leela rubs Bender's\nshoulders and Fnog arrives.]\n\nFNOG\nSo, we meet again. Most amusing: Girl\nwho acts like fighter training fighter\nwho acts like girl.\n\nLEELA\nKeep laughing, Fnog! Ready, Bender?\n\nBENDER\nI was born ready! Gimmie the bell!\nDid you hear a noise? Final boarding\ncall for flight 406, non-stop service\nto pain. Now boarding standby passengers--\n\n[Destructor punches him in the head, knocking him flat against\nthe floor. He tries to crawl away but Destructor grabs his legs\nand hits him against the floor. The crowd cheers.]\n\nFOREMAN\nThis seems like as good a time as any\ntime to bring up my new grill for no\nreason. With its patented design, the\nfat drains directly into my mouth.\n\n[Destructor carries on killing Bender.]\n\nBENDER\n(weakly) Fry! Throw in the towel! For\nGod's sakes, Fry!\n\n[Fry turns around. There is a Brain Slug on his head. He drones.]\n\nHERMES\n(monotonous) That's exactly what I was\nthinking.\n\n[Destructor stands Bender on his feet and punches him in slow-motion\n\u00e0 la Raging Bull.]\n\nBENDER\n(weakly) Mommy!\n\nLEELA\nOK, Fnog, that's enough. Call him off.\nFnog? Hmm.\n\n[Destructor stamps on Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nWhy won't anyone help me?\n\n[Leela follows the cable under the ring. Fnog is watching Destructor\non a screen and is controlling him with a VR suit.]\n\nLEELA\nSo, once more we meet again.\n\nFNOG\nHuh?\n\nLEELA\nYou didn't train Destructor. You're\njust controlling him like a puppet.\nI mean, cheating in a fake fight. That's\nlow!\n\nFNOG\nBetter than being a girl. Like you.\nYou're a girl!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\n(ironic) Oh, right. Girls lack the will\nof the warrior!\n\n[She kicks him about. In the ring, Destructor starts mimicking\nFnog's moves, holding his arms up to defend himself from no one.\nBender gets up.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh? It's bendering time! Take this.\nAnd this!\n\nFNOG\nYou were an excellent student. Too\nbad I was a lousy teacher!\n\n[He fights back. Destructor copies and beats up Bender some more.\n\nBENDER\nI think you misunderstood the concept\nof \"bendering time\"!\n\n[Fnog has Leela on the floor.]\n\nFNOG\nSee you in girl hell. I'll be in boy\nhell -- much nicer!\n\n[He punches. Leela grabs his wrist and stops Destructor's punch.\nShe looks at the screen and slams Fnog's fist into the ground.\nDestructor's fist comes through the canvas and knocks him out.]\n\nLEELA\nYes!\n\nBENDER\nYes! Oh!\n\n[The referee counts him out and the bell dings.]\n\nREFEREE\nAnd the winner is Destructor!\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nLITTLE\nI've not seen a spectacle of this nature\nin all my years impersonating a sportscaster.\n\nFOREMAN\nIt sure was some fight. Interesting\nside note: As a head without a body,\nI envy the dead.\n\nLITTLE\nNo argument here.\n\n[Time Lapse. The bleachers have cleared. The Planet Express staff\ncrowd around Bender who has been flattened.]\n\nFRY\nBender? How did the fight go? I heard\nsomebody got flattened!\n\nAMY\nFry, where's your Brain Slug?\n\n[Farnsworth picks up the limp alien from the floor.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPoor little guy starved to death.\n\nLEELA\nI'm proud of you, Bender. Sure, you\nlost. You lost bad. But the important\nthing is I beat up someone who hurt\nmy feelings in high school.\n\n[She chuckles.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm in tremendous pain here.\n\n[Doubledeal pushes through.]\n\nDOUBLEDEAL\nGreat job, kid. You lost and you made\nit look almost half real. I want you\nto have this card good for 10% off at\nBed Bath & Beyond.\n\n[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet and leaves.]\n\nBENDER\nYes! I'm the greatest! The greatest!\n\n[He groans. Leela rolls him up and she and Fry carry him off.]\n\nLITTLE\nAnd so ends the chronicle of one of\nthe greatest ever to play the sport.\n\nFOREMAN\nAnd he didn't look half bad in the tutu.\n\nLITTLE\nThat he did surely not.\n\nFOREMAN\nWhat?\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Bicyclops-Built-For-Two.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 213\n\n\"A BICYCLOPS BUILT FOR TWO\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Has Been Modified To\nFit Your Primitive Screen.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The Mailbot pushes the mail through\nthe letterbox.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Entrance. Nibbler barks as the letters\ncome through the letterbox. They hit him and he runs away scared.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. He runs in, runs around\nthe table and is trodden on by Farnsworth who has just come through\nanother door.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone! Several years ago\nI tried to log on to AOL, and it just\nwent through! Wheee! We're online!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew climb into what looks\nlike some VR suits.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGo ahead! Get into these net suits.\nI designed and tested them myself.\n\n[Leela sniffs her glove.]\n\nLEELA\nIt smells like burning recess monkey.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nReally? I guess when you're around it\nall day you stop noticing. Off you go.\n\n[He presses a button and the crew disappear into the web.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Internet Browser. The crew have turned green\nand are holographic.]\n\nFRY\nHey!\n\n[He puts his arm through himself and laughs. He ties his arms\nin knots.]\n\nBENDER\nBehold! The internet!\n\n[He presses the enter button and a white light engulfs the crew.]\n\n[Cut to: Internet Browser. The crew stand on a Tron-like clifftop.]\n\nFRY\nMy God! It's full of ads!\n\n[The ads caw like birds and dive at the crew \u00e1 la Alfred Hitchcock's\nThe Birds. Amy and Zoidberg scream as the ads flutter around\nthem. Hermes limbos out the way of one. Leela kicks the No Way\nand No buttons on the ads. One chases Bender around. Another\nflies at Fry and wraps itself around him. Leela pulls him free.]\n\nLEELA\nFollow me!\n\n[The rest of the crew follow her and they fly off the clifftop\ntowards the internet.]\n\nFRY\nIt's immense.\n\nLEELA\nIt's got every piece of information\nanyone could ever want.\n\n[Fry sees the porn sites.]\n\nFRY\nSo I see!\n\n[He flies down to the porn sites and Bender and Hermes follow\nhim.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat? What's going on here?\n\n[He sees a sign advertising Sardine On Mackeral Action, warbles\nand flies towards it.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew wander around the porn infested internet.\nAmy sees a site called Amy Wong Naked. She pokes her head through\nthe door.]\n\nAMY\nHey, that's me!\n\nBENDER\nNo it isn't. I just took some pictures\nof your face and stuck them on someone\nelse's body.\n\n[Leela sticks her head into the website.]\n\nLEELA\nHey!\n\n[Outside Adult Chatrooms. The crew join the queue. At the front\nof the queue several underage kids dressed as adults go in.]\n\nMAN\nAre you over 18?\n\nKID\nYes.\n\nYOUNGER KID\nYes.\n\n[A baby spits its dummy out, gurgles and walks in.]\n\n[Adult Chatrooms.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm telling you Fry they've got a chatroom\nfor everybody. And here it is.\n\n[He and Fry walk into a Filthy Filthy Chatroom.]\n\nAMY\nEw, that is so gross!\n\nLEELA\nYeah. I'll stick with this one thank\nyou.\n\nAMY\nYeah.\n\n[They walk into a plain ordinary Filthy Chatroom.]\n\n[Filthy Filthy Chatroom. Bender looks around chuckling. He pulls\ndown a menu and selects a sexy nurse disguise. He taps a man\non the shoulder.]\n\nBENDER (SEXFULLY)\nHi, I'm a naughty nurse and I really\nneed someone to talk to. 9.95 a minute.\n\nMAN #2\nOoo, you're a dollar naughtier than\nmost.\n\n[He hands \"her\" some cash and Bender pockets it.]\n\nBENDER\nSo how 'bout them Knicks?\n\n[Filthy Chatroom. Amy sits at a bar and a man makes a winky smiley\nface at her. She groans.]\n\nNERD #1\nHello? Are there any girls in this room\nat all?\n\nNERD #2\nYeah, bring on the hot chicks 'cause\nI'm a hot stud.\n\nNERDS\nYeah!\n\nNERD #3\nSo are we!\n\n[Leela pushes her way to the centre of the crowd.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm a woman if that's what you mean.\nI don't like to play games so I'll\njust say I'm a cyclops, I'm a spaceship\ncaptain, I'm the only one of my species\nand I'm interested in meeting a man.\n\nNERD #4\nA woman. I'm scared.\n\n[Internet Browser. The crew fly away from the chatrooms.]\n\nFRY\nWell, thanks to the internet, I'm bored\nwith sex. Is there a place on the web\nthat panders to my lust for violence?\n\nBENDER (SARCASTIC)\nIs the space pope reptilian?\n\n[Outside Death Factory III. The crew walk towards a colluseum-like\ngaming zone.]\n\nHERMES\nGet ready for fun Fry. Nowadays we have\na type of game played entirely on video.\n\nLEELA\nWe call it a \"video game.\"\n\nFRY (SARCASTIC)\nUh, \"video game\" you say? Well golly\ngee, you mighty spacemen of the future\nwill have to show me how it works.\n\n[Death Factory III. Fry has pretty much got the hang of the game.\nHe runs around the death factory, laughing and dodging machines\nand shooting lasers from his fingers. He rolls under some squashy\nthings, shoots some crates, shoots Donkey Kong and swings away\non a rope. Amy shoots at him but misses. He shoots back and she\nshatters like glass. Another nerd shoots at him and Fry shoots\nback and shatters him. Hermes puts his finger to Fry's head but\nFry leaps into the air, spins around and shatters Hermes. Bender\nand Leela shoot at him. Zoidberg slides down a rope chasing Fry\nand shooting.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe doctor is in! The doctor is out.\n\n[He shatters. Farnsworth's head appears in the game.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEveryone please sign off, we have a\ndelivery. Plus I have to use the phone\n- Leela please tell the others that\n-\n\n[She shoots him. She kicks Bender into a machine and goes through\nthe workings \u00e1 la Modern Times. He comes out the other end like\na slinky. He rolls down some steps and into some boiling lava.\nFarnsworth appears again and before he can speak Leela and Fry\nshoot him. Fry shoots at Leela but misses. She shoots back and\nhe ducks behind a machine. Leela folows him warily. Someone backs\ninto her and she screams and turns around. It is another cyclops.]\n\nLEELA\nWho are you?\n\nCYCLOPS\nI saw you in the chatroom but you left\nbefore I had a chance to talk to you.\nAfter all these years of searching for\nanother Cyclops.\n\nLEELA\nI can't believe it. I've dreamed of\nthis moment all my life.\n\nCYCLOPS\nDo you think perhaps you and I - ?\n\n[Fry shoots and shatters the Cyclops. He laughs and ducks behind\na machine.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, you idiot. Ever since I was abandoned\non Earth I've been searching for who\nmy people are and where they come from.\nThen I finally meet another Cyclops\nand you blast him. You wrecked my one\nchance to learn who I am.\n\n[Fry slowly walks behind the machine, finger at the ready.]\n\nFRY\nOh Leela. I feel terrible. If there's\nanything I can ever do - Gotcha! I\nwon! I'm the greatest!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Everyone else has\ntaken off their netsuits. Fry is still in his, jumping around\nand laughing like an idiot.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on. We have worked to do.\n\n[She pulls his goggles away and snaps them back.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Leela doesn't speak to Fry.]\n\nFRY\nAre you still mad at me for wrecking\nyour once in a lifetime chance to learn\nthe meaning of your existence?\n\nLEELA\nNo, I'm just happy you were able to\nwin a video game. Now lets concentrate\non getting this desperately needed popcorn\nto the people of Cineplex 14 OK?\n\n[The video screen comes down from the ceiling.]\n\nVOICE\nLeela, you've got mail. It's not spam!\n\nLEELA\nHuh? It's him!\n\nCYCLOPS [ON SCREEN]\nTo: Leela. Subject: Hello. I am Alkazar.\nFortunately I wrote down your screenname\nbefore I was dispatched by that oaffish\nmoron.\n\nFRY\nKicked your ass!\n\nALKAZAR [ON SCREEN]\nLeela we have much to discuss. Please\ncome join me on the planet of your birth.\nCo-ordinates follow.\n\n[Some co-ordinates appear on the screen and the email ends.]\n\nFRY\nToo bad we gotta make that urgent popcorn\ndelivery.\n\n[She thinks about it and pulls a lever.]\n\nLEELA\nIt'll get there.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The cargo bay hatch opens and a crate\nof popcorn flies out. She ship turns around and flies away. The\npopcorn crate explodes and forms a spiral of popcorn.]\n\n[Ship's Steps. The ship has landed on Planet Cyclopia, the door\nopens and the crew look at the planet. Ruins of a city with vines\nclimbing them greet them.]\n\nLEELA\nAfter a whole life of searching I may\nfinally have found where I belong.\n\nBENDER\nToo bad it's a dump.\n\n[Cyclopian Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender make their way through\nthe vines and arrive in the middle of a city.]\n\nLEELA\nLook at that statue. It's only got one\neye.\n\nFRY\nLazy sculptor!\n\nALKAZAR\nWelcome home Leela.\n\n[She turns around. He is standing on a baclony.]\n\nLEELA\nAlkazar? Are you real? Or am I seeing\nsingle?\n\n[She pokes him in the eye.]\n\nALKAZAR\nOw! Of course I'm real!\n\nLEELA\nAfter all this time. Somebody else with\none eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter\nor, uh, a kid with a BB gun.\n\n[They hug.]\n\nALKAZAR\nIt's alright Leela. You'll never be\nalone again. Let me introduce you to\nyourself. Do you mind if your servants\nwalk?\n\nLEELA\nNot at all!\n\n[The lizards pull them away. Bender steals the crown from the\ntop of the statue and chuckles.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nALKAZAR\nWe are the last remaining Cyclopses.\nOur planet is Cyclopia. This is our\ncapital, Cyclops City. Stop me if I'm\ngoing too fast for you.\n\n[Leela looks around.]\n\nLEELA\nThere's so much information and yet\nsomehow I feel as if I know it all already.\n\nALKAZAR\nThis sacred mosaic depicts our goddess\nof beauty.\n\n[The mosaic looks like Botticelli's The Birth of Venus.]\n\nFRY\nHmm, you got any sacred artwork of her\nfrom the back?\n\nALKAZAR\nHer perfect eye reminds me of yours\nLeela. Had our race survived, you would\nhave been a temple priestess or a supermodel.\n\nLEELA\nOh please! Really?\n\n[The carriage moves on. Bender takes the jewel from the middle\nof the mosaic eye.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Alkazar shows them another statue.]\n\nALKAZAR\nAnd there's the pirate Purple Beard,\nscourge of the six seas.\n\nFRY\nWhat's over that hill?\n\nALKAZAR\nThe Forbidden Valley. A holy sancturary\nwhere no one may tread.\n\nFRY\nIs that anything like a cemetary 'cause\nI gotta take a leak. Ow!\n\nLEELA\nFry, that's offensive to our people.\nIsn't it?\n\n[He nods and she slaps Fry again.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\n[Outside Alkazar's Castle.]\n\nALKAZAR\nThis is my home. I hope you don't think\nless of me because I live in a giant\ncastle.\n\nLEELA\nOh no not at all. If anything, I'm more\nimpressed.\n\n[Cut to: Alkazar's Castle. He throws open the doors. The castle\nis full of jewels. Bender's eyes zoom in.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo! I'm gonna need to make some room!\n\n[He opens his chest cabinet and takes out a goldfish bowl, a\ntoaster, and another two goldfish bowls.]\n\n[Cut to: Alkazar's Bedroom.]\n\nALKAZAR\nIn here's where I dream my lonely dreams\nand cook my simple meals.\n\nLEELA\nIt's all so sad. What happened to our\npeople?\n\n[Alkazar looks at her and moves over to the window and looks\nout. A tear trickles down his face.]\n\nALKAZAR\nIts too painful to speak of now. Come,\nI'll show you your quarters.\n\n[They leave. Bender sees a sword on the wall, checks no one is\nlook and swallows it. The sword is a little too long and Bender\ncan't walk properly. He clanks as he walks out.]\n\nBENDER\nOw! Ow! Ow!\n\n[Leela's Quarters. It is the middle of the night. Leela hears\nAlkazar crying and wakes up. She gets up and goes out to him.]\n\n[Cut to: Alkazar's Balcony. Leela puts her hand on his shoulder.]\n\nLEELA\nI heard you from my room. What's wrong?\n\nALKAZAR\nIt's just - no Leela. I don't want to\nsee tears in your perfect eye.\n\nLEELA\nPlease, is it bout the fate of our people?\nBecause I'm very interested in that.\n\nALKAZAR\nWell OK. But it's chilly and you're\ngoing to be all wet from the tears.\nLet's go into my chamber.\n\n[They walks inside.]\n\n[Alkazar's Bedroom. Leela and Alkazar are sat on Alkazar's bed.\nAlkazar tells the story.]\n\n[Flashback. Cyclops City is a thriving community with families,\nfountains and buskers.]\n\nALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)\nIt wasn't long ago. Our people were\nhappy and prosperous...\n\n[The flashback cuts to a dark planet with rocky terrain and lots\nof large molehills.]\n\nALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)\n...but the eyeless mole people of Subterra\n3 grew jealous of our visual proness.\nThey fired missile in all directions\nhoping to hit Cyclopia.\n\n[A mole man presses a button and several hundred missiles are\nlaunched from the planet.]\n\nALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)\nUnfortunately, one of the 40 planets\nhit, was ours.\n\n[On Cyclopia a Cyclopian scientist looks through a telescope\nat the sky.]\n\nCYCLOPIAN\nHow far away do you think it is?\n\nSCIENTIST\nA trillion miles?\n\n[The missile lands right behind them and explodes.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nALKAZAR\nThings got hot. You look a little hot,\nyou can take off that jacket. Our people\ndon't like to be hot. Anyway, just before\nthe impact...\n\n[Flashback. In a Cyclopian hospital a doctor delivers a baby.]\n\nALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)\nOur smartest scientists managed to save\none baby\n\n[The doctor puts the baby in a rocket and the parents wave it\ngoodbye.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nLEELA\nAlkazar, I used to be a baby, it might\nhave been me!\n\n[Flashback. Cyclops City is in flames.]\n\nALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)\nFortunately I was employed as a pool\ncleaner at the time and when I emerged\nfrom retrieving a dead possum, I found\nI was the only one left.\n\n[Alkazar sees the flames, screams, and falls to his knees in\na very overdramatic way.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's so tragic.\n\nALKAZAR\nYes, but the real tragedy is that our\nrace ends with us.\n\nLEELA\nIt doesn't have to.\n\nALKAZAR\nWhat do you mean?\n\nLEELA\nYou're a male and I'm a female.\n\nALKAZAR\nI'm still not following you.\n\n[She pushes him onto the bed and kisses him.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Morning has broken. Leela and Alkazar are in bed.\nAlkazar is asleep. Leela wakes up.]\n\nLEELA\nWake up my king.\n\n[Alkazar wakes up and coughs.]\n\nALKAZAR\nOh jeez what a night. Make me some coffee\nwould you.\n\n[He puts his head back on the pillow.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, sure OK. What do you take with that?\n\nALKAZAR\nPancakes and sausage. Kitchen's in the\nbasement, pans are in the attic.\n\nLEELA\nMaybe after breakfast we can talk about\nrebuilding our civilisation.\n\n[Alkazar snores loudly.]\n\n[Alkazar's Dining Room. Fry and Bender eat with Leela and Alkazar.\nFry eats a pancake.]\n\nFRY\nMmm! Great pancakes Leela!\n\nALKAZAR\nYeah they'll come in handy if I need\nto cover any tiny manholes. Listen\nhun, we don't want to look like slobs\nin front of the other species do we?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nALKAZAR\nSo get to work on these dishes. And\nthen organise my collection of naked\ncelebrity photos by name and what you\ncan see.\n\nLEELA\nLook Alkazar.\n\nALKAZAR\nCall me Al.\n\nLEELA\nLook Al. I know you've been living alone\na long time and I can sympathise but\nI'm not your maid.\n\nALKAZAR\nYou're right, I'm sorry. It looks like\nthe relationshipisn't going to work\nafterall. So much for the Cyclops race.\nI thought it was a pretty good race\nbut -\n\n[Leela gets up.]\n\nLEELA\nOK OK, I'll do the dishes. Hey where'd\nthey go?\n\n[Bender walks out clanking...]\n\n[Outside Alkazar's Castle. Fry and Bender watch Leela pegging\nout the washing.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, Leela's experiencing the greatest\njoy a woman can feel: Worshipping some\nlowlife jerk.\n\nFRY\nHe may be some lowlife jerk but I don't\ntrust him. I think he's hiding something\nand I'm gonna find out what it is.\n\n[Outside Forbidden Valley. Fry strolls up to the gate and reads\nthe No Trespassing sign. He laughs.]\n\nFRY\nTry and stop me!\n\n[He hops over the gate and a trap door opens underneath him and\nhe falls down a deep hole.]\n\n[Alkazar's Living Room. Alkazar is sat on a couch staring at\na TV. Enter Leela dressed up like Peg Bundy from Married...With\nChildren.]\n\nLEELA\nAl? I did my hair the way you wanted\nit. Who are these people?\n\n[There is a pig, a rat man and a rat woman sat on another couch.]\n\nALKAZAR\nFriends.\n\nLEELA\nHey, where'd you get this couch and\nthat TV set and all this stuff?\n\nALKAZAR\nThey were giving it away on the street\ncorner. Just like you Leela.\n\n[Alkazar's friends cheer and hoot.]\n\nLEELA\nToo bad they weren't giving away the\nthree things you actually need: Mouthwash,\na back wax and stain-proof underwear.\n\n[More hooting.]\n\nRAT WOMAN\nYou go girl!\n\nALKAZAR\nBy the way your pal Fry fell into the\ndungeon. Feed him a taco so he doesn't\ndie and stink up the place.\n\nLEELA\nCome on Al, can't you let the little\nguy out?\n\nALKAZAR\nJeez Leela, twice in one day? I'm not\nSuperman!\n\n[The rats and pig cheer widly. Leela leaves.]\n\n[Outside Dungeon. Leela crouches down to a little barred window\nwhich Fry is behind. He eats his taco.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy were you sneaking into my people's\nforbidden valley?\n\nFRY\n'Cause I think Alkazar's hding something.\nListen Leela, you may not like it, you\nmay not believe it, you may not wanna\nhear it but Alkazar's a jerk, he's bad\nfor you. He -\n\nLEELA\nI know.\n\nFRY\nYou do?\n\nLEELA\nFry if it's obvious to you with your\nlearning disability then of course it's\nobvious to me! He's crude and gross\nand he treats me like a slave.\n\nFRY\nThen dump his one eyed ass.\n\nLEELA\nI can't. If I leave Alkazar then that's\nthe end of the Cyclops race. And I won't\nlet that happen. Even if that means\na lifetime of unhappiness.\n\n[A toilet flushes.]\n\n[The pig and rats hoot.]\n\nLEELA\nI'll break up with him at dinner.\n\nFRY\nI'll be there.\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is at dinner. The table is right next to his\nwindow.]\n\nALKAZAR\nYo Leela, what gives? Pig says your\nslop tastes like crap.\n\nPIG\nYeah, like crap.\n\n[Fry tugs Leela's leg.]\n\nFRY\nC'mon Leela you deserve better than\nthis guy! Dump him already!\n\nLEELA\nI'm trying.\n\n[Alkazar taps his glass.]\n\nALKAZAR\nHey everyone jam a sock in your spit\nfaucets. Not long ago I spent my lonely\nnights renting slash flicks with Rat\nMan and his girlfriend. But then a beautiful\nwoman arrived and - stop eating pig!\nAnd she brought new hope for me and\nour once great civilisation. Now a million\ncenturies of Cyclops destiny depend\non the answer to one question......Leela,\nwill you marry me?\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nNo! No!\n\nLEELA\nYes! I Will!\n\nFRY\nOhh!\n\n[The table applauds. Alkazar and Leela kiss. Rat Woman elbows\nRat Man.]\n\nRAT WOMAN\nThey're getting married!\n\n[Rat Man looks surprised.]\n\n[Outside Alkazar's Castle. A limo pulls up and Amy, Farnsworth,\nZoidberg and Hermes climb out.]\n\nAMY\nCongratulations Leela!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHello!\n\nHERMES\nOh this is great!\n\n[Pre-Wedding Chug-A-Thon. Everyone helps themselves to the buffet.\nLeela puts a decoration on top of the wedding cake of a Cyclops\nwoman buffing a Cyclops man's shoes. Fry attracts her attention.]\n\nFRY\nPst, Leela. you've got to get me out\nof here. It's horrible, eating scraps,\nletting my waste drop wherever it falls\nlike an animal in the zoo.\n\nLEELA\nAnimals go in the corner.\n\nFRY\nThe corner! Why didn't I think of that?\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nLook Fry I'd like to help you but it's\nmy wedding and I'm kind of busy. Here,\ntry to be happy for me. That way at\nleast one of us will be.\n\n[Cut to: Dungeon. Leela walks away from the window.]\n\nFRY\nThat's it! It's time for this bird to\nwalk.\n\n[He hits the bottle against the door trying to get it open. The\ncork flies out of the bottle, out of the dungeon and hits the\ndoor release button. The door opens. Fry laughs and tip the bottle\nover his head. The door starts to close again. He screams and\nscrambles through it.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Alkazar's Castle. Fry runs out and looks around.\nBender is leaning against a tree. Rope is holding his door shut\nbecause its so full of stuff he's stolen. There is also a sack\nnext to him. Fry sees him.]\n\nFRY\nBender come on. We've got to get some\ndirt on Alkazar. Lets go and find out\nwhat makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden.\n\nBENDER\nUh no thanks I'm good.\n\nFRY\nBut there's probably some cool forbidden\nstuff you can steal.\n\nBENDER\nI don't know Fry. For the first time\nin my life I feel like I've stolen enough.\n\n[Fry slaps him.]\n\nFRY\nBender, snap out of it!\n\n[And he does.]\n\nBENDER\nSorry I don't know what came over me.\nLet's go. (singing) I love stealing,\nI love taking things!\n\n[Wedding. Alkazar yawns. Hermes plays a grooby version of Here\nComes The Bride and Farnsworth walks Leela up the aisle. Zoidberg\nwipes his eyes.]\n\nZOIDBERG (CRYING)\nThat pig over there is wearing the same\nsandals as me.\n\n[Outside Forbidden Valley. Bender and Fry ride Alkazar's lizards\ntowards the gate.]\n\nFRY\nCome on boy, jump! Good boy!\n\n[Cut to: Forbidden Valley. Fry and Bender come to a clifftop.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa Mittens!\n\n[They look out over the valley and gasp.]\n\nFRY\nMy God! Four identical castles!\n\nBENDER\nEach more identical than the last!\n\n[Ruined City. Fry and Bender come to a statue similar to the\none in Cyclops City.]\n\nFRY\nThat's weird. It's another Cyclops,\nonly this one has five eyes.\n\n[Bender sees another Birth Of Venus style mosaic.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd here's another one with no eyes.\n\n[He takes the jewels from her eyes.]\n\n[Wedding.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nDoes anyone have a reason why this couple\nshall not be joined in the irrevocable\nshackles of holy bliss?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSaving a race of one-eyed monsters?\nWho could object to that?\n\n[Leela looks worried.]\n\nALKAZAR\nCut to the chase Preach!\n\nPREACHERBOT\nDo you Alkazar......takethiswomanbeforeyou...tolove..insickness..do\nyou part?\n\nALKAZAR\nYeah sure I do come on faster!\n\nPREACHERBOT\nDo you Leela, copy and paste his response\ntil death do you part?\n\n[Leela looks around. Zoidberg waves, the rats and pig watch a\nTV. She look sat Alkazar. He eggs her on.]\n\nLEELA\nI..d -\n\n[Enter Fry and Bender on the lizards. Everyone gasps.]\n\nAMY\nOh my God!\n\nALKAZAR\nWhat the?\n\nFRY\nHey Alkazar, you left somebody off the\nguest list.\n\n[Enter a 5-eyed cyclops.]\n\n5-EYES\nAlkazar, why you are so late for our\nwedding? And why you have only one eye?\n\nALKAZAR\nIt, uh, oo! Uh, hey sweetie, just go\nback to the castle and wait for me.\nShe, she's nuts, I can morph into a\n5-eyed alien and I kinda said I'd marry\nher. But I'm really a Cyclops and I'm\nreally going to marry you.\n\nFRY\nOh yeah? Then what about this?\n\n[Enter a rhino woman named Sandy. Alkazar morphs.]\n\nALKAZAR\nThis is a bit awkward.\n\n5-EYES\nWho's she?\n\nLEELA\nWho's she?\n\nSANDY\nWho are they?\n\nALKAZAR\nGo back to the castle Sandy.\n\nFRY\nAnd maybe you'd like to meet her. And\nher.\n\n[Enter another thing. Alkazar morphs into each of them and eventually\nmorphs into all five at once.]\n\nALKAZAR\nLeela, this must all be ver confusing.\n\nLEELA\nA little. That's why I've decided to\nhurt you until you explain it.\n\n[She kicks him. 5-Eyes pushes him back, Leela kicks him again.]\n\nSANDY\nShow us your real form!\n\nLEELA\nYeah!\n\nTHING #2\nDo it!\n\n[Thing #1 screeches.]\n\n[Sandy picks Alkazar up and throws him and Leela kicks him into\na table which collapses under him. Everyone gathers round. He\ncrawls out. He looks like a grasshopper.]\n\nALKAZAR\nWell, this is the real me. But I can\nexplain. We all have needs. Mine was\nto make it with five weirdos and have\nthem scrub my five castles. I gave you\nall what you wanted and of course I\nmade a few bucks letting Pig watch through\nthe two way mirror. Can any of you sa\nyou wouldn't have done the exact same\nthing in my position?\n\n[Bender cries.]\n\nBENDER (CRYING)\nHe's a saint!\n\nLEELA\nBut why did you have all five weddings\non the same day?\n\nALKAZAR\nHey lady, you got any idea how much\nit costs to rent a tux that changes\nshape?\n\nLEELA\nAlright Alkazar, I just have one last\nquestion for you.\n\nALKAZAR\nWhat's that?\n\nLEELA\nIf you can change form, why didn't you\nchange it in the one place that counts?\n\n[Everyone cheers and hoots.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet, with Amy\nat the controls. Bender admires his sack of loot. Leela sits\non the arm of the couch with Fry and Farnsworth.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks for saving me from that creep\nFry.\n\nFRY\nHey, that's what I do.\n\nLEELA\nI guess I was so desperate to find out\nwho I really was, I forgot who I really\nwas.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo harm done. In the many decades you'll\nwork to repay me for that shipment of\npopcorn you destroyed, you'll have plenty\nof time to search for your true home.\n\n[Leela gets up and stares out of the window.]\n\nLEELA\nYeah. I mean, how many planets can there\nbe?\n\n[She looks out into the vastness of space and the ship glides\naway.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-How-Hermes-Requisitioned-His-Groove-Back.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 214\n\n\"HOW HERMES REQUISITIONED HIS GROOVE BACK\"\n\nBy\n\nBill Odenkirk\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: As Foretold By Nostradamus.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes takes a form out of the\nin-tray.]\n\nHERMES\nFinally, the last form of the day. Welcome\nto stampy-town. Population - five!\nAnd now for the finishing touch. Ah,\nthe cycle of bureaucracy. Sweet gorilla\nof Manila! A letter from the Central\nBureaucracy! (reading) Attention Hermes\nConrad, you are about to recieve a letter\nfrom the Central Bureaucracy. My God!\nIt's from the Central Bureaucracy!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with\ntheir feet up watching TV. Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm having a poker game tonight with\nsome friends from my old cryogenics\njob. You guys interested?\n\nBENDER\nI don't know. I only gamble with chumps.\n\nFRY\nI'll play.\n\nBENDER\nI'm in.\n\n[Enter Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLeela, Fry, robot. No matter what it\nis you're doing tonight, I'm available.\n\nLEELA\nWe're playing poker. but I'm warning\nyou, my friends are serious players.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBah, big shots. I say let the dice do\nthe talking.\n\n[Time Lapse. A green card table has been set up in the middle\nof the room. Leela rips open a packet of Crudit\u00e9s and pours a\npowder onto the table. She adds water and a plant grows from\nthe powder and drops things like fruit and pretzels onto a tray.\nEnter Hermes humming.]\n\nFRY\nWow, you look happy. Is someone fired?\n\nHERMES\nBetter. The Central Bureaucracy is conducting\nan inspection tomorrow. I'll finally\nbe promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest\ngrade there is.\n\n[He starts to walk out the other door.]\n\nLEELA\nHermes, wait! We're having a poker party.\nStay and whip off a batch of your famous\njerk dip.\n\nHERMES\nSorry. I spent all day putting my office\nin order. Now I got to go home and relax\nthe traditional Jamaican way - a glass\nof warm milk and good night sleep.\n\nFRY\nJamaican? I thought you were some kinda\nouter space potato man.\n\n[The doorbell rings.]\n\nLEELA\nAh that must be my old boss.\n\n[Planet Express: Entrance. Leela opens the door. Enter Ipgee\nin his cryogenics uniform.]\n\nIPGEE\nHello Leela, you're fired.\n\nLEELA\nI know.\n\nIPGEE\nI'm sorry but it's just that you're\nover a year late for work at this point.\n\n[Enter Terry and Lou in their lab coats.]\n\nTERRY (DRAMATICALLY)\nLet the games begin!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The poker players are sat around the\ntable.]\n\nIPGEE\nSo I told Leela, \"Your request for a\ndate is most flattering but I must decline.\"\nThese office romances never work out.\nAfterall, that is how I met my horrible\nwife.\n\n[Everyone except Leela laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nBut you never wore your ring. I didn't\nknow you had a wife.\n\nIPGEE\nAnd my wife doesn't know I have a job.\nI keep my personal and professional\nlives serparate.\n\nBENDER\nC'mon, let's deal. You'll have plenty\nof time to talk when you're poor.\n\n[He puts on some shades.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's with the specs Bender?\n\nBENDER\nThey're my lucky shades. I stole them\noff some lucky guy while his lucky seeing\neye dog was taking a whiz.\n\n[He takes the deck from Ipgee, puts them in his mouth, shuffles\nthem and deals them by spitting them out around the table.]\n\nFRY\nHey!\n\n[Four of his cards are stuck in an apple he is holding. Bender\nspits one more card at him and it cuts off the fork in his hair.\nZoidberg fumbles with the hand he is dealt.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI can't spell anything with these cards.\n\n[Time Lapse. The game continues and Zoidberg has lost the shirt\noff his back. Bender on the other hand enjoys a winning streak\nas he wears Zoidberg's shirt and has a few piles of chips in\nfront of him. He hums.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nFinally, I have a good claw. See? Three\nhuman females, a number and a king giving\nhimself brain surgery.\n\n[Fry tuts.]\n\nFRY\nIt doesn't matter how many human females\nyou have, Bender's on a hot streak.\n\nBENDER\nUh, what can I say? Must be my lucky\nshades! Nothing, nothing, crap, crap,\ngarbage. Read 'em and leak saltwater!\n\nFRY\nOh man!\n\nTERRY\nMy baby's milk money!\n\n[Bender takes his winnings and chuckles.]\n\nIPGEE\nOh I am broke. What will I tell my horrible\nwife?\n\nBENDER\nIf I were you I'd be more worried about\nthat tapeworm going to town on your\nintestines.\n\n[He starts to shuffle the pack again.]\n\nIPGEE\nLet me see those glasses.\n\n[Bender chokes on the cards and spits them out. Terry and Lou\nstand up.]\n\nBENDER\nUm...uh...\n\n[Ipgee takes the glasses and looks through them.]\n\nIPGEE\nOh my various gods! X-Ray specs!\n\n[Bender scoops up his winnings and starts backing away from the\ncryogenisists.]\n\nBENDER\nGuys, I swear those are prescription.\nI need them for reading stuff - on the\nother side of stuff.\n\n[He walks back towards the door and backs into Zoidberg.]\n\nLOU\nCheater!\n\nIPGEE\nGet him!\n\nTERRY\nBreak his neck!\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo don't hurt him! He's my best friend!\n\n[Bender pushes him over and legs it.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Bender stops outside Hermes'\noffice, hides inside and closes the door behind him. Ipgee, Terry\nand Lou follow him.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The next morning Hermes walks into the\nbuilding, changes the sign from \"Closed\" to \"Opening Soon\" to\n\"Open.\"]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Hermes walks towards his office\nand opens the door. Files and papers fall out.]\n\nHERMES\nGreat cow of Moscow!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office. The room is a wreck.\nElectrical things sizzle, filing cabinets are overturned and\npapers are littered around the room. Bender is in pieces. His\nhead pops out of his body.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, it was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado!\n\nHERMES\nOh! I'll never pass inspection now!\nThey'll bust me lower than a limbo stick\n- at carnival time. (crying) And that's\nas low as limbo sticks get.\n\n[Fry puts his hand on Hermes' shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nAw hey c'mon don't worry. We'll watch\nyou clean up.\n\nHERMES\nIt's too late. The inspector will be\nhere in exactly one second.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. The door opens and a woman\nwearing a dark green suit walks in. Her hair is in a tight bun\nand she wears glasses.]\n\nHERMES\nWho the hell are you?\n\nMORGAN\nMorgan Proctor, bureaucrat grade 19.\n\nHERMES\nHermes Conrad, bureaucrat grade 36.\n\n[They exchange papers and stamp them.]\n\nMORGAN\nEnough friendly banter. Shall we begin\nthe inspection?\n\nHERMES\nThis way please.\n\n[He ushers her into his office.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nJeez Hermes, you seem awfully calm about\nthis.\n\nHERMES (WHISPERING)\nDon't worry. I have a plan.\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Hermes stands on the railings\naround the balcony.]\n\nHERMES (SHOUTING)\nI'm going to jump!\n\n[The crew look up from street level.]\n\nAMY (SHOUTING)\nNo!\n\nZOIDBERG (SHOUTING)\nNo!\n\nBENDER (SHOUTING)\nDo a flip!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nLEELA (SHOUTING)\nDon't do it Hermes! You have so much\nto live for!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]\n\nFarnsworth (shouting) ...Other people need it you know.\n\n[At street level LaBarbara's car screeches to a stop.]\n\nLABARBARA (SHOUTING)\nHusband! Nooo!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nHERMES\nOutta my way wife...!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]\n\nHERMES\n...I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat\nanyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the\ntime. I'm not worthy to stamp a form.\nSo I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby\nbody.\n\nMORGAN (SHOUTING)\nBureaucrat Conrad...!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nMORGAN (SHOUTING)\n...If you complete your death transaction\nwith out filing a suicide and/or falling\naccident permit, you will be posthumously\ndemoted.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]\n\nHERMES\nLife. Death. Either way I'm demoted\nto a tiny cubicle.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes sits at the table shaking.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet something of...of someplace.\n\nMORGAN\nAs your superior I hereby relieve you\nof duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation.\n\nHERMES\nOh! The ultimate penalty.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI recommend the health cure on Spa 5,\nthe sauna planet. Here, read.\n\n[He hands a leaflet to LaBarbara.]\n\nLABARBARA\nSpa 5? Is it good?\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything\nabout it but they send me a bucket of\nkrill for every patient I send.\n\nMORGAN\nNaturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat\nto fill in for Hermes while he's away.\nI assign me, I accept, welcome aboard.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen it's settled. Hermes will relax\nand Zoidberg will eat! Hurrah!\n\n[Planet Express: Morgan's Office. Morgan changes Hermes' name\nthing so it has her name on it. Fry, Leela and Bender are with\nher.]\n\nMORGAN\nI've been reviewing your corporate records.\nRegarding last Monday's delivery, why\ndid it take twice as long as scheduled?\n\nLEELA\nFry got his head stuck in a crater.\n\nFRY (ASHAMED)\nI thought it would fit.\n\n[Morgan scribbles something down on a piece of paper.]\n\nMORGAN\nAnd during this period of head-crater\ninteraction, what were you doing?\n\n[She points at Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nMartini drinking contests with the autopilot.\nI would've had him this time but we\nran out of olives.\n\nLEELA\nI can explain.\n\nMORGAN\nYou really think you can explain how\nyou left port without a full compliment\nof olives? I think not.\n\nLEELA (QUIETLY)\nWhat is this, high school?\n\nMORGAN\nLocker check!\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Room. Morgan opens Leela's locker. There\nis a small purple bag on the top shelf and Leela's green jacket\nis hanging in the bottom. The zip is halfway up the coat. Or\nhalfway down. Depends how you view life.]\n\nMORGAN\nWhy isn't this jacket in alphabetical\norder?\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nMORGAN\nThe zipper. It should be at the bottom.\n\n[She pulls it down and closes the locker. She opens Bender's\nlocker. On the shelf is a nut. She picks it up and shakes her\nhead.]\n\nBENDER (ASHAMED)\nHey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.\n\n[Morgan closes his locker and opens Fry's. Loads of empty cans\nfall out and Slurm dribbles over them. Some socks and a blernsball\ncap fall out too and flies buzz around the pile of rubbish. Morgan\nsteps back and looks horrified.]\n\nMORGAN\nI - I've never seen anything like this.\nWhy is there yoghurt in this cap?\n\nFRY\nUh, I can explain that. See, it used\nto be milk and, well, time makes fools\nof us all.\n\nMORGAN\nYou are all dismissed. Fry, I will speak\nto you alone.\n\n[Fry gasps as Bender and Leela walk out and Morgan locks the\ndoor.]\n\nFRY\nUh wait, this is the other Fry's locker.\nI'm Phry with a \"Ph.\"\n\n[Fry gasps and pushes Morgan away.]\n\nFRY\nWhat the hell's going on? I thought\nyou were anti-dirty not pro-dirty.\n\n[She pushes him against the lockers.]\n\nMORGAN\nI'm surrounded by neat freaks everyday.\nThere's nothing kinkier to me than a\nfilthy slop-jock like you!\n\nFRY (BASHFUL)\nOh stop!\n\n[She kisses him again then moves away and puts her glasses back\non.]\n\nMORGAN\nNow listen you filthy pig. No-one can\nknow about us. If anyone asks I'll deny\nit.\n\nFRY\nJust like very other girl I've dated.\n\n[Outside Spa 5 Fitness Camp. From outside the building looks\nlike a pleasant fitness spa with nice trees and a sunny sky.\nThe sign indicates it is recommended by Dr Zoidberg.]\n\n[Spa 5 Fitness Camp. A woman keeps everyone fit and healthy...]\n\n[The fitness camp is a huge mine. People there looking to get\nhealthy chip away at the walls of the mines. LaBarbara peddles\non a bike which powers a conveyor belt and carries away everything\nthe miners chip off the walls.]\n\nHERMES\nCurse that Dr Zoidberg! If I get out\nof here, he'll be looking down the business\nend of a shrimp fork!\n\n[An Australian guy dressed in a vest and a hat turns around.]\n\nAUSTRALIAN GUY\nGive him one for me too mate. I don't\nknow why I go to him.\n\n[A laser bolt flies past the two and hits the mine wall.]\n\n[They work harder.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Morgan, Farnsworth, Leela, Fry\nand Bender are sat around the table.]\n\nMORGAN\n...and for those six and a half reasons,\nI am demoting Leela to co-pilot.\n\nLEELA\nCo-pilot? Under who?\n\nMORGAN\nThe autopilot.\n\nLEELA\nThat drunk?!\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nMORGAN\nMr Bender you are now in charge of co-ordinating\nthe Professor's bodily functions.\n\n[Bender suddenly stops laughing.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's a full time job.\n\nMORGAN\nAnd Fry, as for you, I am promoting\nyou to executive delivery boy. You will\nno longer go on deliveries and you will\nhave your own office next to mine.\n\nFRY\nAll right!\n\n[He stands up and looks at Leela for a high five. She doesn't\nrespond. He turns to Bender. He doesnt respond either.]\n\nMORGAN\nMr Bender would you high five him so\nwe can continue this meeting? And on\nthe rebound? Meeting adjourned.\n\n[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry has his feet up on his desk\nand drinks a can of Slurm. He burps and wipes his mouth with\nhis tie.]\n\nAMY\nI can't figure why she's so nice to\nyou Fry.\n\nZOIDBERG\nShe's a hateful monster this Morgan.\nShe scolded and hit me. I tell you she's\nrisking my friendship with her.\n\n[Enter Bender covered in mud and twigs.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, what happened to you?\n\nBENDER\nMorgan made me walk the Professor. There\nwe were in the park when suddenly some\nold lady says I stole her purse. I chucked\nthe Professor at her but she kept on\ncoming. So had to hit her with this\npurse I found. Ah, the point is it's\nMorgan's fault. That pencil pushing\nscazwag. Why if she were here I'd -\nUh oh is she behind me?\n\n[He feels behind his head.]\n\nMORGAN\nNo. I'm in front of you!\n\n[Bender squeals.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The doorbell rings and Fry answers\nit. Morgan is there.]\n\nFRY\nMorgan? It's 3am.\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]\n\nMORGAN\nI know. A skunk knocked over my garbage\nand suddenly all I could think of was\nyou. My God, it's so...repulsive.\nSo uh, this is where you eat?\n\nFRY\nEat and sleep.\n\n[He pulls the sheet away.]\n\nMORGAN\nOh Fry!\n\n[She kisses him and pushes him onto the bed.]\n\nFRY\nUh wait, Bender's my rooommate. He could\nbe back any second.\n\nMORGAN\nNot likely. I ordered him to flush out\nthe Professor's earwax.\n\n[She takes off her glasses, pulls her hair out of the bun and\nstarts unbuttoning her suit.]\n\n[Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender approaches his\napartment holding something and walks in.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]\n\nBENDER\nHey Fry, I made you a candle with -\nWhat the? Oh now I see! Now I get\nit. Now the pieces are falling into\nplace. The office, the promotion, that\ndwarf in my book club who steals my\nopinions. It's all coming together\nnow!\n\n[Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Morgan zooms off in a taxi.]\n\nBENDER\nI must say this opens my eyes! Another\ncase closed my dear Watson.\n\nFRY\nMorgan, come back! He's stuck in a loop!\n\nBENDER\nFor I was blind but now I see!\n\n[Outside Planet Express.]\n\nBENDER [FROM INSIDE]\nThe cat's out of the bag now!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Fry's Office. Bender leans back in a\nchair with a cigar in his mouth.]\n\nMORGAN\nMr Bender about last night. that was\njust a...a misunderstanding.\n\nBENDER\nOh you didn't understand? Well let me\nexplain. You......were having sex with\nyou.\n\n[He points at Morgan.]\n\nMORGAN\nNo. You see, a bureaucrat of my rank\nisn't supposed to fraternize.\n\nBENDER\nThat's what makes it so juicy. Its the\nforbidden fruit angle everybody loves.\nFirst I'll say \"You'll never guess who\nsaw Fry and Morgan doing it!\" and they'll\nsay \"Who Bender, who?\" and I'll say\n\"It was lovable......old Bender.\"\n\n[Morgan has put something in the back of his neck. A 3.5\" disk\ncomes out of the back of Bender's head and Morgan takes it.]\n\nFRY\nHey, what did you do to him?\n\nMORGAN\nI downloaded his brain. Everything that\nis Bender is right here. His mind, his\nmemories, his in-your-face interface.\n\nFRY\nBut, but...Bender need brain...for...smart\nmaking! What did you do now? Stop doing\nthings!\n\nMORGAN\nI sent the disk to be filed at the Central\nBureaucracy. I did what I had to do\nFry. He was a bad robot.\n\nFRY\nNo, he was a bad friend. I want him\nback right now.\n\nMORGAN\nThen you should have filed a request\n20 years ago.\n\n[Fry growls.]\n\nFRY\nI'm sick of you and your bureaucracy.\n\n[He slides everything off his desk. Morgan grins.]\n\nMORGAN\nDirty boy! Dirty boy!\n\n[She dives on him.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Morgan is gone and the rest of the crew are there.]\n\nLEELA\nYou and Morgan were having an affair?\n\nFRY\nI couldn't help it. She loved me because\nof the part of me that's a slob and\nI loved her because of the part of me\nthat's desperate.\n\nFRY\nPoor Bender. Without his brain he's\nbecome all quiet and helpful. We've\ngot to go to the Central Bureaucracy\nand get that disk back!\n\nAMY\nYeah!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh yes we must, yes.\n\n[There is a long pause.]\n\nAMY\nWhy?\n\n[Everyone looks around trying to think.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, those arguments aside, we're still\ngoing.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou can't just waltz into the Central\nBureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red\ntape and regulations. I've never been\nbut a friend of mine went completely\nmad trying to find the washroom there.\n\nLEELA\nThen we'll need a guide. Someone who's\nbeen there before.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh I've been there. Lot's of times!\n\n[He laughs insanely.]\n\n[Spa 5 Fitness Camp. Hermes watches the Australian guy pushing\na mining cart.]\n\nHERMES\nLook at that. The carts go out full\nbut they come in empty. It's criminally\ninefficient.\n\nHERMES\nBut don't you see? They could increase\nefficiency 4% if they used the empty\ncarts to haul in heavy mining machinery.\n\n[He pulls a chain and a huge drill head falls into Australian\nGuy's cart. He grumbles.]\n\nAUSTRALIAN GUY\nOh Lord!\n\n[Hermes smiles.]\n\n[Outside Central Bureaucracy. The building is a huge white cube\nwith \"Central Bureaucracy Est. 2159 A.D. License Pending\" engraved\non it. The queue to get in snakes back for miles. Fry, Leela,\nFarnsworth, Amy and Bender join the end of it behind an old man\nwith a Methusala-like beard.]\n\nFRY\nMan, how long is this gonna take?\n\nOLD MAN\nI'm still waiting on my birth certificate.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell it doesn't look like I'll make\nit inside with the rest of you. Uh but\ngood luck. Just leave me where I drop.\n\n[The queue moves backwards.]\n\nOLD MAN\nOh great, someone had a baby!\n\nLEELA\nCome on, I have a better idea.\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew are right outside the building now. Leela\ntalks to a grade 53 bureaucrat.]\n\nLEELA\nExcuse me? We're from the Planet Express\ndelivery company. We're here to deliver\na robot.\n\n[The bureaucrat laughs.]\n\nGRADE 53\nLooks like we've got a new office cut\nup!\n\n[He opens a door and the crew walk inside.]\n\n[Cut to: Central Bureaucracy Corridor. The corridors are lined\nwith thousands of filing cabinets and message tubes snake around\noverhead with red tubes flying through them. A bureaucrat screams.]\n\nGRADE 41\nLook out, look out! I'm going to crash\nmy slow-mobile! I had to swerve to avoid\nyou.\n\n[He slowly heads for a pile of boxes.]\n\nLEELA\nWhile you're crashing, could you tell\nus where all these canisters end up?\n\nGRADE 41\nOh you want Central Filing.\n\n[The grateful crew walk on.]\n\nLEELA\nOK.\n\nFRY\nOK.\n\nAMY\nOK thanks.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWonderful.\n\nGRADE 41 (SCREAMING)\nNooo!\n\n[He eventually hits the pile of boxes and they wobble.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew ask a grade 20 for directions.]\n\nGRADE 20\nCentral Filing? Of course I know where\nthat is. I'm a grade 20.\n\nLEELA\nWhere is it?\n\nGRADE 20\nI can't tell you. What do I look like?\nA grade 16?\n\n[A red tube lands next to Leela. She sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're getting nowhere slowly. Here,\nI'll address this to the Central Filing\nroom. Then we'll track it using my\nwrist-lojack-amater.\n\n[She sends the tube away and points her wrist thing around.]\n\nWRIST THING\nCold. Cold. Warmer. Hot hot hot hot\nhot hot.\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew run through a dark corridor following the\nmessage tube. A huge metal door in front of them starts to close.\nThey duck under it and Leela drags Farnsworth through. Bender\nwalks straight through it leaving a Bender-shaped hole.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew pass a sleeping Beholder-like creature\nfrom Dungeons & Dragons. Bender walks into it. It wakes up, growls\nand starts shooting blue lights from the things on it's head.\nThe crew walk out and the Behold - another bureaucrat shouts\nafter them.]\n\nGRADE 11\nPlease don't tell my supervisor I was\nsleeping.\n\n[Outside Central Filing. The crew stop outside the door.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is it. We'll just run in, grab\nBender's disk and run out. Got it?\n\n[The crew nod in agreement. Leela opens the door and everyone\ngasps.]\n\n[Cut to: Central Filing. The message tubes all converge in the\nmiddle of the room and there are tens of thousands of red tubes\nin a huge pile. The room towers so high into the air that there\nis a bi-plane flying around the clouds near the ceiling.]\n\nFRY\nWe'll never find that disk will we Bender?\n\nFRY\nYou're right. Nothing is over so long\nas there's one thin ray of hope.\n\nMORGAN\nLost something? I should have known\nyou'd come here rather than follow proper\nprocedure. And I did know. And that's\nwhy I came here.\n\nFRY\nListen Morgan, We're through, you're\nan evil heartless woman and I never\nwanna see you again. However would you\nhelp us get Bender back for old times\nsake?\n\n[Morgan points at the pile of red tubes.]\n\nMORGAN\nI'm afraid he's lost in the master in\npile. And it would take some sort of\ngiant mechanical atomic powered sorting\nmachine to find him.\n\nHERMES\nYou rang?\n\n[On another level of Central Filing Hermes and LaBarbara spin\naround in a swivel chair.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDammit Hermes, just jump already. Stop\nhogging that healthy liver.\n\nHERMES\nNo, I want to live. Organising that\nforced labour spa rekindled my lifelong\nlove of bureaucracy.\n\nLABARBARA\nMy Hermes got that hellhole running\nso efficiently that all the physical\nlabour is now done by a single Australian\nman.\n\nLEELA\nBut how did you know we were here?\n\nHERMES\nDr Zoidberg brought us.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt was me, I'm the hero!\n\n[The bi-plane flies past Zoidberg and stops next to the crew.\nThe wings are a desk and behind it a small man sits.]\n\nNUMBER 1.0\nRequest for explanantion of incident\nmeeting?\n\n[The bureaucrats gasp and duck behind their desks. Morgan gasps.]\n\nMORGAN\nNumber 1.0.\n\nHERMES\nNumber 1.0, I hereby petition you for\nan emergency sort-and-file, under regulation\n2 point -\n\n[Number 1.0 waggles his finger at Hermes.]\n\nNUMBER 1.0\nDon't quote me regulations. I co-chaired\nthe committee that reviewed the recommendation\nto revise the colour of the book that\nregulation's in. We kept it grey.\n\nHERMES\nSir please, I must located the disk\nwith my friend's brain on it.\n\nNUMBER 1.0\nVery well. But your bureaucratic licence\nwill be revoked if you fail to sort\nthe master in pile by closing time.\n1pm.\n\n[Leela looks up at a clock. It is 12:56pm.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's only four minutes from now.\n\n[Hermes takes off his jacket.]\n\nHERMES\nRequisition me a beat.\n\n[Number 1.0 turns on some music and Hermes slides down a tube\ninto the in pile.]\n\n(singing) When I was born there was a hurricane in Kingston Town\n\nWith a foot and a half of water.\n\nEveryone was alright but I cried all night\n\nIt blew my alphabet blocks out of order.\n\nAnd they said \"This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,\n\nBorn to be all obsessive and snotty.\"\n\nI made my friends and relations file long applications\n\nTo get into my 10th birthday party.\n\n[He scoops up some red tubes, slides down a tube and drops them\ninto some filing cabinets. LaBarbara pop up from one of them.]\n\nLABARBARA (SINGING)\nBut something changed when my man turn\npro.\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nI was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.\n\n[He throws a tube to LaBarbara and she catches it.]\n\nLABARBARA (SINGING)\nHe forgot that it's not about badges\nand ranks.\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nIt's supposed to be about the filing!\nPeople!\n\n[He jumps onto Number 1.0's desk and starts juggling the tubes.]\n\nWe didn't choose to be bureaucrats,\n\nNo that's what almighty Jah made us!\n\nWe treat people like swine,\n\nAnd make 'em stand in line,\n\nEven if nobody paid us!\n\n[He dives off the desk into the pile of red tubes.]\n\nThey say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,\n\nThey say we're anal, compulsive and weird.\n\nBut when push comes to shove,\n\nYou gotta do what you love,\n\nEven if it's not a good idea! [He slides down the pile and throws\nthe red tubes around the crew like a knife thrower.] Zoidberg!\n\nZOIDBERG (SINGING)\nThey said I probably shouldn't be a\nsurgeon.\n\nFARNSWORTH (SINGING)\nThey poo-pooed my electric frankfurter.\n\nLEELA (SINGING)\nThey said I probably shouldn't fly with\njust one eye.\n\n[A tube hits her in the eye.]\n\n[Hermes inserts a message tube and Bender bends it sending the\nred tubes flying off in a different direction. Hermes rips off\nhis shirt revealing a grooby Jamaican shirt underneath.]\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nEverybody sing Jamaica!\n\n[He limbos under the flying tubes.]\n\nEVERYBODY (SINGING)\nJamaica!\n\nHERMES\nJust the bureaucrats, Jamaica!\n\nBUREACRATS (SINGING)\nJamaica!\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nThe grade 19s!\n\n[Morgan looks around and reluctantly joins in.]\n\nMORGAN\nJamaica.\n\n[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats.]\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nSing me home!\n\nWhen push comes to shove,\n\nYou gotta do what you love,\n\nEven if it's not a good idea!\n\n[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws\nit into Bender's head. Bender's personality reactivates.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm Bender baby, please insert liquor!\n\n[The crew cheer Hermes.]\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\nHERMES\nCongratulations.\n\nNUMBER 1.0\nCongratulations indeed but you finshed\nwith one second to spare so I'm demoting\nyou. A good bureaucrat never finishes\nearly.\n\n[He changes Hermes' badge from 36 to 38.]\n\nAMY\nThat's OK Hermes. At least we have you\nback.\n\nMORGAN\nNot yet you don't. I'm still acting\nbureaucrat of Planet Express. And I\nhave some changes to make. First, Fry,\nyou're fired. Second -\n\nHERMES\nNot so fast! When I was sortin' I came\nupon a certain document filed by one\nMorgan Proctor. Form B: Notification\nOf Romantic Entanglement.\n\nFRY\nThat's right, she fraternized me!\n\nMORGAN\nThat form isn't about you. It refers\nto my high school prom date. It was\na regulation date that ended in regulation\ndisappointment.\n\nHERMES\nYes but you only stamped it four times!\n\n[He slaps the paper down on Number 1.0's desk and the bureaucrats\ngasp. Morgan is horrifed and steps away from the desk.]\n\nMORGAN\nNo! No! I was young and reckless.\n\n[Number 1.0 looks at the form.]\n\nNUMBER 1.0\nBureaucrat Conrad you are technically\ncorrect - the best kind of correct.\nI hereby promote you to grade 37. And\nas for you. (shouting) Guards! (talking)\nBring me the forms I need to fill out\nto have her taken away!\n\n[He takes off in his desk and flies away.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, it looks like I'll be needing\nmy heroic bureaucrat back. At severely\nreduced pay of course.\n\n[The crew cheer.]\n\nLABARBARA\nIt's better than nothing!\n\nFRY\nWhat about me? Can I come back at severely\nreduced pay?\n\nHERMES\nYou got it mon! In fact, severely reduced\npay all around! Come on wife, let's\nblow this joint!\n\n[She jumps on and they kiss and hover off somewhere.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nNow it's time for my song! (singing)\nWhen I was two there was a tidal wave\nin -\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Clone-Of-My-Own.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 215\n\n\"A CLONE OF MY OWN\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Coming Soon To An Illegal DVD.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the big\ntable. Enter Farnsworth with a sheet of paper.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone, the university is\nbringing me up on disciplinary charges!\nWait, that's not good news at all.\n\nLEELA\nWhatever you did Professor, I'm sure\nthere's a reasonable explanation.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes but they won't listen. Everyone's\nalways in favour of saving Hitler's\nbrain but when you put it in the body\nof a great white shark (sarcastic) ooo,\nsuddenly you've gone too far.\n\n[The ship flies towards Mars and cruises over the Mars University\nsign.\n\n[Cut to: Mars University Car Park. The ship lands in the car\npark.]\n\n[Mars University: Hallowed Hall. Farnsworth stands before several\nMars University staff members under a spotlight. He wears a top\nhat and they are dressed formally for the tribunal.]\n\nVERNON\nProfessor Farnsworth, do you know why\nwe've called you here today?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nListen to me you pompous frauds, if\nI'm going down, I'm taking you all with\nme. Dean Vernon, I know the truth. It\nwas you driving your hover-car that\nnight, not your horse. Dean Epsilon,\nI know all about your \"Department Of\nPool Boy Studies.\" And Dr Wernstrom...Werrrnstrom!\n\nVERNON\nActually Professor, we merely called\nyou here to say......surprise.\n\n[The room is filled with formally dressed people. To one side\na band is ready to play and Farnsworth is in the middle of the\nroom. Behind them \"Happy Birthday\" is displayed on a huge screen.]\n\nMAN #1\nSurprise!\n\nMAN #2\nHappy birthday!\n\n[Behind Farnsworth the Planet Express crew hold a banner reading\n\"Happy Sesquicentennial Professor Farnsworth!\"]\n\nHERMES\nSurprise!\n\n[Farnsworth ignores them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd you Coach Smalley, or should I say\n\"Coach hairpiece\"?\n\nLEELA\nNo Professor, it's a surprise party\nfor your 150th birthday.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(muttering) Hundred and...what? Oooh!\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender takes the mic in the middle and the other\nstaff have been replaced by Leela, Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg.\nA picture of Farnsworth adorns the big screen. Bender plugs a\nmic into himself.]\n\nBENDER\nGood evening I'm - Whoa, sorry. I'm\nBender and I'll be MC-ing this roast.\nY'know, they say you can judge a man\nby the company he keeps, so here's the\nProfessor's oldest friend: A grotesque,\nstinking lobster!\n\n[Zoidberg takes his place and appears on the screen.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nGood evening ladies and germs. That\nwasn't a joke, I was talking to Dean\nStreptococcus. Now I'm not saying Professor\nFarnsworth is old, but if you consider\nhis age he's likely to die soon! Hey\nRingo, that was the joke. Oh, it's showtime\nat the Apollo all over again.\n\n[He sits down. Bender gets back up.]\n\nBENDER\nWhere would the Professor be without\nstudents who love and respect him? Right\nthere! But seriously, of all the former\ncrew members of the Professor's delivery\nship, our next speaker is by far the\nmost alive. Captain Muskie?\n\n[A man who is a dead ringer for the wheelchair-bound Captain\nPike from the Star Trek two-parter The Menagerie takes the mic.\nHis wheelchair beeps once like Pike's and the audience howls\nwith laughter. Zoidberg turns to Dean Vernon.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI wouldn't wanna follow that guy!\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd now, a man who needs no introduction.\n(whispering) Fry, get up there!\n\nFRY\nOh. Thank you. Y'know, when I was first\nasked to make a film about my nephew,\nProfessor Farnsworth, I thought \"Why\nshould I?\" Then later Leela made the\nfilm. But if I had made the film, you\ncould bet there would have been a lot\nmore topless women on motorcycles!\nRoll film!\n\n[He sits down, the lights dim and behind him the film counts\ndown in AL1. The title Hubert Farnsworth: A Living Obituary appears\non the screen and it changes to a view of New New York in the\n29th century.]\n\n[A picture of acne-faced Farnsworth dressed in a Dungeon Master\nT-shirt appears. Fry points at the screen.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Dork alert!\n\n[The picture changes to Farnsworth a few minutes before.]\n\n[The picture freezes and is followed by the caption \"Hubert J.\nFarnsworth. To Be Continued...?\" The picture ends and everyone\napplauds. Farnsworth looks away from the screen with sadness.]\n\nBENDER\nHow 'bout a few words Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEh wha?\n\nBENDER\nI said \"words.\"\n\n[Farnsworth stands up and the audience applauds.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, what a pleasure it is to see my\nlifetime of accomplishments summed up\nin a 3-minute film. My best years are\nbehind me. So much left undone. So little\ntime.\n\n[He sits down and hangs his head. Bender applauds.]\n\nBENDER\nFunny funny stuff.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Farnsworth sits glumly on the couch\nwith the rest of the crew surrounding him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy life is over.\n\nLEELA\nNo it isn't. You have another 10 years\nleft.\n\nFRY\nLeela! He could live another 100 years!\n\n[He winks theatrically.]\n\nLEELA\nNo, he couldn't. When you turn 160,\nrobots from the Sunset Squad take you\nto a mysterious planet and you never\nreturn.\n\nFRY\nWow, a whole planet of old people. Where\nis it?\n\nBENDER\n(spookily) Nobody knows!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo many loves half-loved. So many inventions\nhalf-invented. That damn time machine\nalone set me back 15 years.\n\n[He points to a cobweb covered contraption in the corner that\nlooks like the time machine from H.G. Wells' Time Machine.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIf only it'd worked. You could go back\nand not waste your time on it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere's no one to carry on after I'm\ngone. No one to take care of my work\nand my research and my fabulous fortune.\nBy God, that's it! I've got to name\na successor.\n\nFRY\nA successor?\n\nZOIDBERG\nA successor to the Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere's no time to lose. I'm off to\nmy lab to build a successor-naming machine!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Everyone except Farnsworth is\nat the table.]\n\nFRY\nMan, the Professor's been in his lab\nfor days.\n\nBENDER\nI hope he didn't die. Unless he left\na note naming me his successor. Then\nI hope he did die.\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou? The successor? Over my empty shell!\nThe Professor will pick me. Only I have\nhis lobster-like tenacity!\n\n[He clacks his claws.]\n\nHERMES\nUp yours Zoidberg. Up wherever your\nspecies traditionally crams things.\nThe only successful way to choose a\nsuccessor is with a limbo contest.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nHERMES\nKingston rules. Two men go down, one\ncome up.\n\n[He gets up off his chair and limbos towards the kitchen.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. He limbos underneath the oven.\nLeela puts a bin in front of it and leans against it.]\n\nLEELA\nLook, the Professor trusts me with a\ngiant spaceship. He wouldn't trust the\nrest of you with his dentures.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy has Farnsworth dentures\nin her mouth.]\n\nAMY\nYesh he would.\n\nFRY\nSorry everyone but need I remind you?\nBlood is thicker than water.\n\nZOIDBERG [WRITING]\nBlood...thicker...water.\n\n[Planet Express: Corridor. On the lab door is a sign reading\n\"Mice Please Enter Through Maze.\" Farnsworth's monogrammed towel\nhangs on a rail to the side.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are all assembled\nfor the successor naming.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEveryone, I have a very dramatic announcement.\nSo anyone with a weak heart should leave\nnow. Goodbye.\n\n[He turns to leave.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh yes, the announcement! As you all\nknow, I am not long for this world...\n\nLEELA\nYes, we know.\n\nHERMES\nTrue mon!\n\nAMY\nBuh!\n\nFRY\nOne foot in the grave.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n...So I've picked my successor. It's\nsomeone in whom I have great faith -\neven though his mind is undeveloped\nand he's accomplished nothing. My closest\nliving relative...\n\nFRY\nOh yeah!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy clone, Cubert Farnsworth.\n\n[Fry gasps and Farnsworth throws a huge switch. Electrical gadgets\nfizzle and a huge glass tank slides up along the wall. The lights\ngo on and the crew gaze at a chubby orange-haired boy suspended\nin water in the tank. They gasp.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHe's horrible!\n\nFRY\nCrud. Can I at least be in charge of\nyour dentures?\n\nAMY\nYou wish!\n\nFRY\nWhere did Cubert come from?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n12 years ago I began the cloning process\nby removing some skin cells from one\nof the shaplier growths on my back.\n\nLEELA\nWait, if he's your clone then why doesn't\nhis nose look like yours?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI left him in his first tube too long\nand he got squished up against the side.\n\nBENDER\nIs he dumb or just ugly?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLet's find out.\n\n[He presses a button and the water drains out of the tank. Cubert\ncoughs and splutters. The crew stare at him.]\n\nCUBERT\nWhat? You've never seen a genius's wiener\nbefore?\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo.\n\nLEELA\nNever.\n\nFRY\nWell, once in the park.\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors are open and Leela\nworks on the ship in a hover-cradle. Fry and Bender roll pennies\nagainst the hangar wall. Fry grumbles. Zoidberg takes a ketchup\nsachet out of a box, opens it and sucks the ketchup out.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMmm!\n\n[Cubert walks into the hangar from the lab.]\n\nCUBERT\nAs long as I'm going to be in charge\nhere, let me examine my so called \"crew,\"\nif it can so be called. First of all,\nDr Zoidberg, do you even have a medical\ndegree?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI lost it...in a volcano.\n\nCUBERT\nAnd why do we need a bending robot around\nhere anyway? What possible use do we\nhave for you?\n\nBENDER\nUh...me no speaka the English.\n\nCUBERT\nAnd why does our space pilot have only\none eye? There's someone I'd like you\nto meet. His name is depth perception!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy you little -!\n\n[She takes a swipe at him but misses.]\n\nCUBERT\nWow, that hurt - the air!\n\nBENDER\nIm pending para un bending!\n\n[Farnsworth leans over the railings.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh Cubert, come in here. I have something\namazing to show you.\n\nCUBERT\nWhat is it? A compitent employee? I\ndoubt that very much!\n\n[He laughs and leaves. The crew mutter and grumble.]\n\nFRY\nLittle twerp.\n\nBENDER\nAye chihuahua!\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth and Cubert stand among Farnsworth's\ncountless inventions.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAs my successor I'm trusting you to\ncarry on my work. These are just some\nof the half finished inventions you'll\nspend your life finishing.\n\n[Cubert looks at the smelloscope.]\n\nCUBERT\nI didn't realise you were the inventor\nof the junk heap.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's my prizewinning smelloscope.\nIf a dog craps anywhere in the universe,\nyou can bet I won't be out of the loop.\nAnd this is my universal translator.\nUnfortunately so far it only translates\ninto an incomprehensible dead language.\n\nCUBERT\nHello.\n\nUNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR\nBonjour!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCrazy gibberish!\n\nCUBERT\nDon't you have any worthwhile inventions?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy certainly. Step over here.\n\n[Outside Ship. The ship cruises away from Earth. Cubert and Farnsworth\nstand on the ship's hull near the engines.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThese are the dark matter engine I invented.\nThey allow my starship to travel between\ngalaxies in mere hours.\n\nCUBERT\nThat's impossible. You can't go faster\nthan the speed of light.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf course not. That's why scientists\nincreased the speed of light in 2208.\n\nCUBERT\nAlso impossible.\n\n[Ship's Engine Room. Farnsworth admires the dark matter engines.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd what makes my engines truly remarkable\nis the afterburner which delivers 200%\nfuel efficiency.\n\nCUBERT\nThat's especially impossible.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot at all. It's very simple.\n\nCUBERT\nThen explain it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow that's impossible. It came to me\nin a dream and I forgot it in another\ndream.\n\nCUBERT\nYour explainations are pure weapons\ngrade balognium. It's all impossible.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNothing is impossible. Not if you can\nimagine it. That's what being is a scientist\nis all about.\n\nCUBERT\nNo, that's what being a magical elf\nis all about.\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew and Cubert are in the middle\nof their meal. Bender looks around and sees Elzar talking to\nsome other diners.]\n\nBENDER\nOh my God, oh my God! It's Elzar, the\nTV chef! Oh kill me now people!\n\n[Elzar joins them.]\n\nELZAR\nHow we doing here?\n\nBENDER\nOh Elzar, everything's so good!\n\nELZAR\nWhat are you, an ass kissing machine?\n\nBENDER\nYes sir, good one sir!\n\n[Elzar leaves.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh it's a gem of an evening! I feel\nso wonderful having someone to take\nover my life work! And it's all thanks\nto Cubert.\n\nCUBERT\nLook Professor. I may be identical to\nyou in every possible way but that doesn't\nmean I'm anything like you.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou...wha?\n\nCUBERT\nI don't want to be an inventor. I want\nto be something useful like a teacher's\naide or a prison guard or a science\nfiction cartoon writer.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut-But what about my hopes and my dreams\nand my wonderful inventions?\n\nCUBERT\nIn your entire life your only half-decent\ninvention was me and I didn't turn out\nlike you wanted either.\n\n[Farnsworth looks away from Cubert and a tear trickles down his\nface. The other look on sadly. Elzar appears in the doorway.]\n\nELZAR\nYou folks still doing alright?\n\nBENDER\nOh yes Elzar.\n\nELZAR\nGood 'cause it turns out I forgot to\ncook that chicken.\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. A storm rages outside the building. Farnsworth\nputs a tape in a camcorder and steps in front of it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBad news everyone. By the time you watch\nthis tape, I'll be gone. Leaving by\nnothing but a history of failure and\nmy original hipbones. You see, I've\nbeen lying about my age. I'm not actually\n150. I'm 160. Oh vanity, thy name is\nProfessor Farnsworth. And now that I've\nnothing to live for, I've alerted the\nSunset Squad robots to take me away.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. A Sunset Squad ship flies through\na hole in the stormclouds and stops next to the attic balcony.\nThe door opens and something climbs out, holding a scythe.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth takes the tape out\nof the camera and puts it in an envelope. There is a flash of\nlightning and the windows fly open. Farnsworth gasps, turns around\nand sees the cloaked Reaperbot. It beckons him. Farnsworth puts\nthe envelope, labelled \"To My Crew,\" on a table and starts to\nfollow the Reaperbot outside.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGoodbye cruel world. Goodbye cruel\nlamp. Goodbye cruel velvet drapes,\nlined with what would appear to be some\nsort of cruel muslin......and the cute\nlittle pompom curtain pull cords, cruel\nthough they may be a -\n\n[The Reaperbot lifts him over his shoulder and knocks him out\non the window.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The remaining crew and Cubert\nwatch Farnsworth's message on a hologram communicator similar\nto the one in A New Hope.]\n\nHOLO-FARNSWORTH\nAnd now that I've nothing to live for,\nI've alerted the Sunset Squad robots\nto take me away.\n\n[The crew gasp.]\n\nAMY\nWhat?\n\nHERMES\nOh no!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh.\n\nHOLO-FARNSWORTH\nI know you're all very upset, especially\nBender.\n\nBENDER\n(unmoved) Well, life goes on. Except\nfor you!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nHOLO-FARNSWORTH\nI'm sure that Bender has just made a\ncutting remark but he doesn't know I\ntaped over his soap operas to record\nthis message.\n\nBENDER\nYou bastard!\n\nFRY\nWe've gotta get him back.\n\nCUBERT\nImpossible. No one knows where they\ntake those old geezers.\n\nFRY\nNothing is impossible. You'd know that\nif you really took after the Professor,\nlike I do.\n\nCUBERT\nYou're his uncle dummy, he takes after\nyou.\n\nFRY\nUh...what?\n\nCUBERT\nWait a second, that means I also take\nafter you!\n\n[He screams.]\n\nLEELA\nQuiet. I think I know how to find the\nProfessor.\n\nBENDER\nLay it on us big boots.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The smelloscope points around the sky\nand Leela sniffs.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. The rest of the crew are with\nher.]\n\nLEELA\nIf the smelloscope can pick up the Professor's\nodour, we may have a chance to save\nhim.\n\n[Cubert scoffs and snorts.]\n\nCUBERT\nI think not. As you probably already\ndon't know, odours are made up of particles\nthat can't travel through the vacuum\nof space.\n\n[Bender electrocutes him and he screams.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm zeroing in on him. Bengay...mothballs......letters\nto the editor. It's the Professor!\n\nBENDER\nTo the flying machine!\n\n[The smelloscope has been mounted to the laser turret and the\nship flies at high speed through space.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry operates the smelloscope like a\nperiscope. He sniffs.]\n\nFRY\nTo the left! No to the up! U-turn,\nU-turn!\n\nCUBERT\nWe'll never find this place. Robots\nare very good at keeping secrets.\n\nBENDER\nNo we're not you little bed wetter.\nOops I'm sorry.\n\n[Leela points through the windscreen.]\n\nLEELA\nThere it is! The Near-Death Star!\n\n[Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The massive structure looks like\nthe Death Star from A New Hope with huge spikes along the circumference.\nThe ship circles a sizable dome and lands on a landing pad outside.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender and Leela put on Reaperbot cloaks.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, we'll tell them the Professor escaped\nand we're bringing him back. Fry, you'll\nhave to dress up like a 160 year old\nman.\n\nFRY\nI'm on it!\n\n[He pulls his trousers up around his chest and starts acting\nfrail and decreped.]\n\nCUBERT\n(sarcastic) My God, the illusion is\nso perfect I almost forgot I was looking\nat an idiot!\n\nLEELA\nNow they may ask for a DNA sample.\n\n[Fry pulls his trousers higher.]\n\nFRY\nI'd like to see them find it!\n\nCUBERT\nThis is impossible, we don't even hae\na sample of the Professor's DNA.\n\nBENDER\nI think I know where to get some.\n\n[He pulls out a big syringe and points it at Cubert.]\n\n[Cubert's screams echo around the Near-Death Star.]\n\n[Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Bender, Fry and Leela\nwalk towards the opening door and past a sign reading \"After\n11pm Use Slot.\" Fry is wearing a lab coat, thick glasses and\nis bending over. The is a big hump in his back.]\n\n[Cut to: Near-Death Star Drop Off. The trio walk in through the\ndoor. Cubert starts talking from under the lab coat.]\n\nCUBERT\nWhy do I have to be the hump?\n\nFRY\n'Cause you're too ugly to be a wart.\n\n[He laughs, followed by Bender and Leela. They carry on walking\nacross a large bridge towards the centre of the dome. They hear\nwhirring noises and look over the side. Machines scoop up old\npeople, strip them, bath them, dress them in night gowns and\nfinally place them in rocking chairs. The chairs move along a\nconveyor belt towards a large tube in the middle of the dome.\nThere are conveyor belts going deep into the dome.]\n\nLEELA\nYour medicare dollars at work.\n\n[They reach some barrierbots and guardbots. A barrierbot lowers\na barrier in front of them.]\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\nHalt! Identify this guest.\n\nLEELA\nUh, this is Professor Hubert Farnsworth.\nHe escaped.\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\nEscaped? No one escapes.\n\nBARRIERBOT #2\nThis guest does not look 160.\n\nFRY\nWhat? I'm old. Listen. (old man voice)\nHey you kids, get off the lawn!\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\nHmm, it is true that old people are\noften concerned that there are children\non their lawns.\n\nBARRIERBOT #2\nThere's no denying that. But we'll still\nneed to verify his identidity with a\nDNA sample.\n\n[Bender holds up a jar labelled \"Tissue Sample.\" The jar is filled\nwith Cubert's blood.]\n\nBENDER\nGot a hot steaming batch right here!\n\n[He puts it near Barrierbot #2.]\n\nBARRIERBOT #2\nWe only need one cell!\n\nBENDER\nEh, keep the change buddy.\n\nCUBERT\nStupid robot.\n\n[A guardbot turns around with its gun.]\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\nDid you hump just say something?\n\nFRY\nUh....I-I've got talking hump syndrome.\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\nAh, THS.\n\n[Bender drops some of Cubert's blood into a machine and it dings\nand displays \"Hubert J. Farnsworth.\"]\n\nBARRIERBOT #2\nIdentity confirmed. Return this shambling\nshuffleboarder to his room.\n\n[Barrierbot #1 raises his barrier.]\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\n7152 Maple Drive.\n\nLEELA\nSounds nice.\n\nBARRIERBOT #1\nPrepare to be surprised.\n\n[Near-Death Star: Maple Drive. Maple Drive is filled with tens\nof thousands of immense grave-like structures, each containing\nthousands of small drawers, exactly like the rest of the Near-Death\nStar. Fry takes his glasses off and he Bender and Leela look\naround in awe.]\n\nFRY\nSo this is where they stick old people.\nIt's horrific.\n\nLEELA\nAt least it keeps them from driving.\n\n[Time Lapse. They climb into a hover vehicle and Leela flies\nit up the side of a gravestone. She reverses it past drawer number\n7150, Ava Porter b.2790 d.Soon; past number 7151, Eloise Porter\nb.2856 d.Soon and finally stops it next to drawer number 7152,\nHubert J. Farnsworth b.2841 d.Soon. She puts her hands on the\nhandle and turns to the others.]\n\nLEELA\nBrace yourself for the worst.\n\n[She pulls the drawer out. Farnsworth is lying in it with at\nleast 24 tubes connected to him in various places. They all scream.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd yet he looks so natural.\n\nCUBERT\nWhat's happening?\n\nLEELA\nHe's hooked up to a life-support system.\nWe have to disconnect him very very\ncarefully, or the shock could kill him.\n\n[A guardbot appears behind them in a flying machine.]\n\nGUARDBOT #1\nFreeze! Seize them!\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nSeize them!\n\nGUARDBOT #3\nSeize them!\n\nGUARDBOT #4\nSeize them!\n\nGUARDBOT #1\nGet them - I mean seize them!\n\n[They round another corner and a guardbot hits a gravestone.]\n\nGUARDBOT #2\nAww I'm so bad at this!\n\n[His hover-ship explodes. Leela looks behind at the other guardbots\nand steers the ship past some huge machines loading old people\ninto their final resting places. She ducks and dives over and\nunder them and another guardbot meets his doom.]\n\nGUARDBOT #3\nUh-oh!\n\n[His ship hits a machine and explodes. Leela turns the ship upwards.]\n\n[Cut to: Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. She smashes the ship\nthrough barrierbot #1 and he screams and feebly lifts what remains\nof it up and down. Leela, Bender, Fry and hump's hover-ship speeds\ntowards the door. It starts to close.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're probably going to make it, but\nwe might not.\n\n[Cubert looks out the top of the lab coat.]\n\nCUBERT\nIt's impossible, we'll never fit.\n\nFRY\nWill too.\n\n[He and Bender duck and Cubert smashes his head on the closing\ndoor, screams and flies back.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Near-Death Star Guest Drop Off. Cubert is lying\non the Professor, dazed.]\n\nCUBERT\nTold you.\n\n[He blacks out. The hover-ship flies towards the landing pad.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Leela runs into the cockpit followed by Bender\ncarying Farnsworth, followed by Fry dragging Cubert. He drops\nCubert and his heads hits the floor with a thunk.]\n\nFRY\nCome on Leela, step your big boot down\non the gas pedal.\n\n[And she does.]\n\n[Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship takes off and\nthe landing gear goes up. The guest drop off door opens and three\nguardbots fly out. Guardbot #1 opens fire on the ship and two\nlaser pulses hit the ship's engine, causing it to shut down.\nThe ship falls onto the landing pad and the guardbots start buzzing\naround it.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. An alarm beeps and a red light flashes.]\n\nLEELA\nThey've blown out one of our engines!\n\nFRY\nFix it fix it fix it fix it fix it fix\nit! Fix it fix it fix it!\n\nLEELA\nOnly the Professor knows how to fix\nit. We have to wake him up.\n\n[She grabs Farnsworth's night shirt and shakes him around. Fry\nblasts him with an airhorn and Bender empties a chest cabinet-ful\nof water over him.]\n\nFRY\nTry shocking him.\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Your social security cheque\nis late! Stuff costs more than it used\nto. Young people use curse words!\n\nFRY\nDamnit, we'll have to fix the engine\nourself.\n\nLEELA\nWe can't you bastard, no one knows how\nit works. It's impossible.\n\n[Cubert comes around and puts his hand in the air.]\n\nCUBERT\nNothing is impossible. I understand\nhow the engines work now. It came to\nme in a dream. The engines don't move\nthe ship at all. The ship stays where\nit is and the engines move the universe\naround it.\n\nBENDER\nThat's a complete load.\n\nCUBERT\nNothing's a complete load. Not if you\ncan imagine it. That's what being a\nscientist is all about. Right Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEh...whuh...\n\n[Cubert closes the access panel.]\n\nCUBERT\nLet's ride!\n\n[Cut to: Near-Death Star Landing Pad. The ship's engines power\nup and they begin to move the universe in a flow-mo sequence\nlifted from The Matrix. The ship flies away, it's exhaust blasting\nthe guardbots away. Near-Death Star defenses fire on the ship\nand repeatedly miss as it makes its getaway.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Cubert and Farnsworth walk in\nfrom the lounge.]\n\nCUBERT\nGood news everyone, he's made a complete\nrecovery.\n\nAMY\nYeah!\n\nHERMES\nWow!\n\nLEELA\nAll right!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm as spry as a 140 year old. See?\nI only broke one ankle.\n\nFRY\nSo what were they doing to you in that\nawful drawer?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, they had me hooked up to a bizarre\nvirtual world that seemed absolutely\nreal.\n\nAMY\nWhat was it like?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt was as though I was living in a facility\nin Florida with hundreds of other old\npeople. All day long we'd play bingo,\neat oatmeal and wait for our children\nto call.\n\n[Everyone gasps in horror.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's a hundred times more horrible than\nanything I could imagine.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my yes. Thank you all for saving\nme. Especially you my little clone.\nNo matter what you decide to do with\nyour life, I'm still proud of you.\n\n[Cubert hugs Farnsworth.]\n\nCUBERT\nI've already decided. Dad, when I grow\nup I wanna be just like you.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't worry son. You will. Incidentally,\nyou might want to read up on a condition\nknown as \"wandering bladder.\"\n\nCUBERT\nWhy?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo reason. No reason at all.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Deep-South.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 216\n\n\"THE DEEP SOUTH\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: A Stern Warning of Things to Come.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Nibbler sits on Leela's lap and she\npicks tufts out of his fur. Bender does the same to Fry. Enter\nHermes.]\n\nHERMES\nExciting news, people! The pet licence\nI requsitioned for Nibbler has arrived.\n\nLEELA\nHermes, that's sweet. I didn't know\nyou cared about Nibbler.\n\nHERMES\nDream on, woman. I'd like to put the\nlittle bastard in a sack and toss the\nsack in a river and hurl the river into\nspace. But I do like filling out requisitions\nand these were some doozies! Great\nJah's dreadlocks! There's been a mix-up.\nThis isn't a pet licence, it's a fishing\nlicence. And it's mandatory!\n\n[The Planet Express ship takes off and heads out to sea. It stops\na short while later and the cargo bay lift comes down with Bender,\nFry and Farnsworth standing on it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh! The exact centre of the Atlantic\nOcean. This seems the logical place\nfor fish to congregate.\n\nBENDER\nSo we're in international waters?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIndeed so.\n\n[Bender whips out a radio and talks into it.]\n\nBENDER\nFalcon, this is Blue Raven, the goose\nhas nested. Repeat, the goose has nested.\nHey, guess what you're accessories\nto?\n\n[Time Lapse. On the roof of the ship, the crew pull out their\nfishing equipment from the gun turret.]\n\nLEELA\nThe sun, the sea air, good friends.\n\nBENDER\nLeela's right, fishing blows. Whattya\nsay we make it interesting?\n\nHERMES\nWhy not?\n\nAMY\nYeah.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYeah, cool.\n\nBENDER\nEverybody kick in five bucks. There,\nwasn't that interesting?\n\nLEELA\nBender!\n\n[Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nThis contest is as good as over. I once\ncaught a fish this big.\n\n[He stretches out his arms.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah? I once caught a fish this\nbig!\n\n[He extends his arms the length of the ship. Leela opens a case.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm afraid you're both out of your league,\nboys, 'cause you're looking at a woman\nwho owns her own harpoon.\n\n[She twists the top of the harpoon onto the bottom.]\n\nBENDER\nHarpoon, my ass!\n\nLEELA\nOK.\n\n[And she does. He screams in pain and jumps into the water. Hermes\nlooks at five buckets.]\n\nHERMES\nLet's see now, which bait to use? Crickets?\nSquid? Chicken necks?\n\nZOIDBERG\nExcuse me, if I might be so bold, I'm\nwilling to offer my services as a bait\ncritic. These sardines for example\nare bland and tasteless. And these\ndry, stringy nightcrawlers, though juicy\n... ... very very juicy--\n\n[He sticks his head in the bucket and gobbles the bait.]\n\nHERMES\nI don't believe this! It's eating my\nbait! Beat it, you mooching crawdad!\n\n[Zoidberg runs away and woops. Bender presses a button on his\nfishing rod.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, Fry, check out my laser-guided\nfishing rod.\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Quiet, Bender, you're scaring\naway the fish.\n\nBENDER\nFine. I'll head over to the other side.\n(shouting) Good luck fishing on this\nside!\n\n[He walks away and Fry casts his line and chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nI can hit a fish between the eyes from\n20 yards!\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah? I can hit a shrimp!\n\nFRY\nA shrimp? I find it a bit hard to believe\nthat--\n\n[Bender's line hits Fry between the eyes and knocks him over.\nLeela spins her harpoon around and sees something in the water.]\n\nLEELA\nAha! Gather round, chumps! I got the\nwinner!\n\n[An old boot comes out of the water on the end of the harpoon.\nLeela sighs.]\n\nAMY\nOh, so this is where you shop for your\nboots?\n\n[Fry reels in a little fish.]\n\nBENDER\nCouple more of those and you'll have\nyourself a fish stick!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nFRY\nHey, a fish this fine belongs in a fish\nnugget-style chunklet. And anyway, it's\nbigger than anything you've caught.\nOw! My small intestine!\n\n[Leela tries again with the harpoon.]\n\nLEELA\nBingo! Whatever it is, it's 20 times\nheavier than a boot.\n\n[She pulls out a crate marked \"Boots 10 Pair\" and sighs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou'll never catch anything with that\nprimitive technology. What you need\nis this fish pheromone. The most potent\naphrodisiac known to fishkind. Uh-oh!\n\n[Several fish leap up to his head. He screams and knocks them\noff. Zoidberg comes up behind him and sniffs him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(sexfully) I'm so into you!\n\n[He wraps his mouth flaps around Farnsworth's head and slurps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, my!\n\n[Fry reels in his line. There is big fish attached to it.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Hey, Bender, I just caught\na fish this big!\n\nBENDER\nQuit exaggerating, Fry. Ah, screw this!\nIf I'm not gonna catch a fish, I might\nas well not catch a big fish. There.\nLike most of life's problems this one\ncan be solved with bending.\n\n[He ties the ships tether line to the hook.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBender, be careful. That's the ships\ndiamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.\n\nBENDER\nThen why do I have to be careful?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt belonged to my grandmother.\n\n[Bender takes some food from Hermes' hands, attaches it to his\nhook and throws it into the sea.]\n\nHERMES\nMy manwich!\n\n[Time Lapse. Dusk approaches. Fry is asleep in a chair with his\nrod next to him, Amy is asleep, Hermes is asleep with sign hanging\naround him saying he will be awake at 7pm. Bender snoozes, his\ndoor opening and closing. Leela casts her harpoon again.]\n\nLEELA\nWake up, everyone! I've got something.\nAnd this time it's alive! Dr. Zoidberg,\nsince when do you even wear boots?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI wasn't wearing it. (ashamed) I was\neating it.\n\n[Leela sighs and lets go of the rope.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on, let's go home.\n\n[Amy wakes up and screams.]\n\nAMY\nSunburn! My fabulous body! It's ruined!\nWhat happened to my parasol?\n\nBENDER\nI don't know. It wasn't here when I\ntook your umbrella. What? I put sunblock\non you.\n\nAMY\nWell it didn't work!\n\n[She turns around and stomps off. On her back Bender has spelled\nout \"Honk If Bender Is Great\" in sunblock. He giggles.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on, Bender. Pull in your line and\nlet's go.\n\n[Bender tries to pull in the line.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, I'm snagged.\n\n[The line starts to whirr away.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's not snagged, the mechano man has\ncaught something! Sweet Zombie Jesus!\nIt's huge!\n\nAMY\nIt's coming up!\n\n[A huge fish leaps up from the water and over the top of the\nship. The staff gasp.]\n\nHERMES\nOh, that's big!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nA colossal-mouth bass!\n\n[The bass heads back under the water and the tether starts winding\naway.]\n\nFRY\nIt's diving!\n\n[The ship shakes and tilts forward.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's pulling us under! Everyone into\nthe ship!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWait! I'll save us! By cutting the unbreakable\ndiamond filament! Well, at least I'll\ndie with my friends. Hello?\n\n[The others shut the turret door behind them and the water line\ncreeps towards Zoidberg. He climbs in and shuts it behind him.\nThe ship lurches forward and disappears under the water and the\nstaff scream. Something floats to the surface.]\n\nHERMES\n(from ship) My Speedos!\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The room is glowing red and a klaxon beeps. Leela\nwatches the depth gauge.]\n\nLEELA\nDepth at 45 hundred feet, 48 hundred,\n50 hundred! 5000 feet!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear Lord, that's over 150 atmospheres\nof pressure.\n\nFRY\nHow many atmospheres can this ship withstand?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell it's a spaceship, so I'd say anywhere\nbetween zero and one.\n\n[The ships hull creaks around them.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat's that? Is someone bending girders?\n\n[More creaking. The depth gauge reaches 6000ft and breaks. Farnsworth's\nglasses break and so do Bender's eyes. He screws some new ones\nin.]\n\nLEELA\nWe'll be crushed if we don't equalise\nthe pressure.\n\nFRY\nHow do we do that?\n\n[Pipes burst around the room and the water floods in.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat should do it.\n\n[The water gets higher.]\n\nAMY\nWe're all gonna die!\n\nFRY\nWait, I'll be back in a minute.\n\n[He takes off his jacket and swims under the water. A toilet\nflushes and the water level drops. The staff cheer and Fry walks\nback in, zipping up his shorts.]\n\nLEELA\nYou did it, Fry!\n\nFRY\nDid what?\n\n[The ship hits some rocks and everyone is thrown across the room,\nscreaming. The ship comes to a rest on the ocean floor. Bender\nlooks out the window.]\n\nBENDER\nPeople, it's far far worse than we thought;\nMy fish got away.\n\n[Ship Corridor. Bender fixes the electricity and the lights come\nback on, Leela mops the floor and Fry tapes up a crack in the\nhull.]\n\nLEELA\nThere, good as new! Except we're three\nmiles below the surface, we don't have\nany food and the ship won't work underwater.\n\nBENDER\n(restrained) Tempers are wearing thin.\nLet's just hope some robot doesn't kill\neverybody.\n\nHERMES\nThe important thing is that we don't\npanic. There are rules for situations\nlike this. Now, the first order of\nbusiness is lunch. I suggest a nice\nlobster Zoidberg, I mean lobster Newburg,\nI mean Doctor Zoidberg.\n\nLEELA\nOK, everyone, calm down. The Professor\nand I will get to work on the ship.\nBender, Zoidberg, since you can survive\nunderwater, you'll go out and look for\nfood.\n\nFRY\nI'd better go too. They don't know what\nI like.\n\n[He opens the airlock.]\n\nHERMES\nFry, no! The pressure will crush you\nlike a green snake under a sugarcane\ntruck.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot necessarily. This is chance for\nFry to test out my experimental anti-pressure\npill.\n\n[He pulls out a huge black pill.]\n\nFRY\nI can't swallow that.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell then good news! It's a suppository.\n\n[Seabed. Fry, Bender and Zoidberg walks across the ocean floor.\nFry holds a bag of air. Zoidberg picks up a fish and puts it\nBender's chest cabinet.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHow are you doing there, Fry? Glad\nto hear it. Aha!\n\n[He puts it in Bender's chest cabinet. Bender sees an electric\neel and grabs it. It shocks him.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, yeah!\n\n[Zoidberg sees a little glowing thing.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYum, yum, yum! Uh-oh! Look at me,\nI'm Dr. Zoidberg, homeowner!\n\n[Time Lapse. The trio search for food next to a sunken wreck.\nFry lifts a skull and crossbones flag.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCareful, Fry, I think that flag might\nbe poisonous.\n\n[Bender emerges from the boat wearing a pirate hat and an eyepatch\nand carrying some bottles.]\n\nBENDER\nAhoy, mateys! I shanghaied us some hearty\ngrub. Arr! The laws o' science be a\nharsh mistress!\n\nZOIDBERG\nSay, robot, old buddy? Could you help\nme move a couch?\n\nBENDER\nUh, OK, but I'm not carrying it upstairs.\n\n[He climbs into the shell leaving Fry alone. Some seaweed parts,\nrevealing a mermaid. She laughs and swims away and Fry blubbers.\nZoidberg and Bender emerge from the shell.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat is it, Fry?\n\nFRY\n(blubberling) Mermaid.\n\nBENDER\nYou want some lemonade? You saw a big\nparade?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYour student loans have been repaid?\nThen how 'bout lending your old pal\nZoidberg a few bucks, Mr Millionaire!\n\n[Ships Mess. The crew are eating. Fry is still blubberling.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, swallow your food. Then talk.\n\n[Fry swallows.]\n\nFRY\nA mermaid!\n\n[Amy laughs.]\n\nAMY\nYou think you saw a mermaid?\n\nFRY\nNo, I did see a mermaid! She was wearing\na tube top and she had a beautiful scaley\ntail. And I think she had hair extensions.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, right!\n\nLEELA\nSure she did.\n\nHERMES\nOK, Fry!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou're simply hallucinating, you ...\nmoron.\n\nFRY\nWhat's so far-fetched about mermaids?\nI mean, there's all sorts of weird sea\ncreatures here in the future. Like Dr.\nZoidberg.\n\n[He through the window at Zoidberg. He is wearing a sunhat and\nhas built a window box on his shell and is landscaping a garden.\nHe turns around and waves.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean\nmadness.\n\nFRY\nEvery time something good happens to\nme you say it's some kind of madness,\nor I'm drunk, or I ate too much candy.\nWell I saw a real mermaid and I wish\nfor once my friends would have decency\nand kindness to believe me.\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Ocean madness.\n\n[Fry storms out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHe may have ocean madness but that's\nno excuse for ocean rudeness.\n\n[Fry's And Bender's Quarters. Fry lies awake while Bender snores.]\n\nFRY\n(muttering) Ocean madness, yeah right.\nIt's always something, ain't it? (talking)\nIt's her! Bender, wake up! She's here!\nWake up! Oh! oxygen!\n\n[He picks up a suitcase.]\n\n[Cut to: Seabed. Fry steps outside the airlock and closes the\ndoor behind him. His suitcase floats away and he screams. The\nmermaid puts something in his mouth.]\n\nMERMAID\nHere you go, darlin'.\n\n[Fry breathes.]\n\nFRY\nHey! I can breath and talk, just like\na fish!\n\nMERMAID\nOh, you speak fish?\n\n[She says something in fish.]\n\nFRY\nWhat?\n\nMERMAID\nI'm sorry, my accent's atrocious. Hi,\nmy name's Umbriel!\n\nFRY\nI'm Fry. So, uh, am I gonna drown?\n\nUMBRIEL\nCourse not. Just stay calm and let the\ncurrents relax your every muscle.\n\n[Fry relaxes.]\n\nFRY\nAw, yeah!\n\nUMBRIEL\nDid it just get warmer?\n\nFRY\nI can't believe you're really real.\nI like your tail.\n\nUMBRIEL\nOh, you're sweet. I like those wiggly\ndoo-dads comin' outta your hips.\n\nFRY\nOh, Thanks. They're called pants.\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Umbriel sit next to a glowing vent.]\n\nUMBRIEL\nThis here's a volcanic vent. The water\ncomes out at over 4000 degrees.\n\nFRY\nNo kidding.\n\n[He relaxes.]\n\nUMBRIEL\nDid it just get colder? Tell me more\nabout that bizarre land-y world you\ncome from. Is there water there too?\n\nFRY\nSure, sometimes it falls from the sky.\n\nUMBRIEL\nHm.\n\nFRY\nAnd sometimes it doesn't.\n\n[She gasps.]\n\nUMBRIEL\nOh, Mr. Fry! You do go on!\n\nFRY\nYou know what I like best about you,\nUmbriel? You find me fascinating even\nwhen I'm not claiming to be a jewel\nthief or a lion tamer.\n\nUMBRIEL\nLions? There are sealions on the land?\n\nFRY\nYup. We call them land-sealions ...\nI tame them!\n\n[Montage: Fry and Umbriel date to Donovan's Atlantis. They watch\na squid and whale fight, swim on the back of a flat fish and\nFry spells out words to Umbriel with glowing fish. They look\ninto each other's eyes and kiss.]\n\n[Ships Galley. Bender reads The Atlantic Monthly while Leela,\nAmy and Hermes are gathered around something. Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm almost finish reconfiguring the\nships propulsion system. We can leave\nas soon as the paper-m\u00e2ch\u00e9 is dry.\n\nLEELA\nWhere's Fry?\n\nBENDER\nI didn't kill him. Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, I've been busy.\n\nHERMES\nHe must've gone out looking for that\nmermaid. The poor demented honky.\n\nLEELA\nIt's ocean madness alright. Sailors\ncall it aqua dementia, the deep down\ncrazies, the wet willies, the screaming\nmoist!\n\n[As she speaks the crew leave. Bender slams the door behind him.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship Corridor. Leela joins the rest of them. Farnsworth\nopens the door to the airlock.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe'll form a search party. Now, we'll\nneed oxygen.\n\nBENDER\nI got it covered. In the event of an\nemergency, my ass can be used as a floatation\ndevice.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOoh, that reminds me: You've all taken\nyour pressure pills, right?\n\nAMY\nYes! Stop asking!\n\n[Seabed. The crew stand outside the ship wearing their oxygen\nmasks. Zoidberg sniffs around like a dog.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI've got his scent! Over here where\nthe water gets warmer. This way!\n\n[The staff follow him across the seabed. They peek over a mound\nand gasp. Ahead of them is a city.]\n\nBENDER\n(awestruck) Bend me!\n\n[Amy says something in Chinese.]\n\nAMY\nDude! An ancient sunken city!\n\n[The crew look at a partly-obscured sign that reads \"City Of\nAtl\".]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCould it possibly be? Are the old legends\ntrue? It is! It's the fabled lost city\nof Atlanta!\n\nMERMAN\nHowdy, y'all!\n\n[City Of Atlanta. The crew are greated by another merman.]\n\nCOLONEL\nWelcome to Atlanta. Folks round these\nparts call me the Colonel. Here, have\nsome breathers, courtesy of our Chamber\nof Commerce.\n\n[He hands them the same breathing gear Umbriel gave Fry earlier.\nThey put them in.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis is uncomfortable and humiliating.\nNow, if they could put it in the form\nof a suppository.\n\nCOLONEL\nY'all enjoy your stay! Tourism's our\nmain source of income round here so\nsee the sights, spend some money. Please\ndon't leave!\n\n[Fry and Umbriel come out of Krispy Kreme.]\n\nBENDER\nFry! Oh, I just knew you were still\nalive! (whispering) I owe you 10 bucks,\nHermes!\n\nFRY\nHey, you guys, the most amazing thing\nhappened. It's two-for-one Tuesday at\nKrispy Kreme! Plus there's mermaids.\n\nCOLONEL\nNice out of town folks, I'd like you\nto meet my daughter, Umbriel. Umbriel,\nthese are some Yankees.\n\n[Time Lapse. The staff, Umbriel and the Colonel wander around\nthe city.]\n\nAMY\nSo, Fry, Atlanta was an American city\nin your time?\n\nFRY\nI think it was just an airport. They\nhad a place where you could buy nuts.\n\nUMBRIEL\nNo! Ancient Atlanta was more than just\na Delta hub. It was a vibrant metropolis,\nthe equal of Paris or New York.\n\nFRY\nThat's right, honey! Whatever you say.\n\nUMBRIEL\nLook at these fabulous ruins. Turner\nField, the Coca-Cola bottling plant,\nthe, uh, the airport.\n\nLEELA\nBut tell us: How could a city with such\na ... fabulous airport, end up underwater?\n\nCOLONEL\nAh, now that's a story that can only\nrightly be told in a Chamber of Commerce\nvideo narrated by folk-rock trubadour\nDonovan.\n\n[He presses a button and Donovan appears on the screen and strums\nthe tune to Atlantis with slightly different lyrics.]\n\nDONOVAN\nAtlanta was a city, landlocked, hundreds\nof miles from the area we now call the\nAtlantic Ocean,\n\nYet so desperate the city's desire for tourism that they moved\noffshore, becoming an island and an even bigger Delta hub,\n\n[On the screen, helicopters lift the city and land it in the\nocean. The scene changes to years later. The island is packed\nwith buildings.]\n\nUntil the city over-developed and it started to sink,\n\nKnowing their fate, the quality people ran away,\n\nTed Turner, Hank Aaron, Jeff Foxworthy, the guy who invented\nCoca-Cola, the magician and the other so-called gods of our legends,\n\nThough gods they were -- and also Jane Fonda was there.\n\n[A boat with the people on pulls away and the city sinks.]\n\nThe others chose to remain behind on their porches with their\nrifles, and one day evolve into mermaids, and sing and dance\nand ring in the new.\n\nMERMAIDS\nHail Atlanta!\n\n[The video ends.]\n\nLEELA\nThe magician?\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa, whoa. Wouldn't it take millions\nof years to evolve into mermaids?\n\nUMBRIEL\nNormally, yes, but the caffine really\nsped things up. That stuff's wonderful.\n\n[Colonel's House. The staff are seated around a dining table\nwith the Colonel and Umbriel.]\n\nCOLONEL\nSo when Umbriel first brought home this\ncarpet bagger, I was again' it. But,\ndamnit, if old legs here ain't grown\non me!\n\n[He pats Fry on the back.]\n\nFRY\nAw, shucks, Colonel.\n\n[He spits tobacco and the spitoon dings.]\n\nHERMES\nWell, it's all very nice here but we\nshould be going. I miss me wife and\nme oxygen.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, we all miss our loved ones and\ngases. Come on, Fry.\n\nFRY\nWait. I'm not going with you.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nBut, Fry, what about us? What about\nyour life on the surface? You don't\nbelong down here.\n\nZOIDBERG\nShe's right, I mean sure they got the\nBraves but it's a third-rate symphony.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFry, you half-mad, half-insane maniac,\nbe reasonable. Don't you realise that\nif you stay at this depth your body\nwill permanently adapt to the pressure?\n\nFRY\nRealise it? I don't even understand\nit!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt means you'll never be able to return\nto the surface.\n\nFRY\nI don't care. I'm staying. I've got\neverything I want right here.\n\n[He hugs Umbriel.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) I'm bored! Let's go!\n\n[Outside Colonel's House. On the porch Fry shakes hands with\nhis old friends as they leave.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou know, Fry, I've got a little place\njust outside town. You could come visit,\nmaybe?\n\n[Fry looks at the Colonel who shakes his head.]\n\nFRY\nSorry, Zoidberg. I'm trying to join\nthe country club.\n\n[Bender hugs Fry.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Oh, Fry! I'll miss you!\n\n[He leaves and the Colonel waves.]\n\nCOLONEL\nY'all come back now, y'hear?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Let's go, damnit! Let's go!\n\n[Ships Airlock. Farnsworth opens the door and the crew walk in.\nZoidberg stops outside.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell, I guess this is goodbye for me\nas well.\n\nLEELA\nWhatever.\n\nAMY\nLater.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBye.\n\n[Cut to: Seabed. Zoidberg turns away sadly and the door closes\nbehind him. He screams. His shell is a burned ruin.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo! My home! It burned down! (crying)\nHow did this happen?\n\nHERMES\nThat's a very good question.\n\n[Bender picks something up.]\n\nBENDER\nSo that's where I left my cigar.\n\n[He smokes it.]\n\nHERMES\nThat just raises further questions!\n\n[Umbriel's Bedroom. Fry and Umbriel sit on her bed.]\n\nFRY\nYou know, Umbriel, these last 24 hours\nhave been the happiest days of my life.\n\nUMBRIEL\nOh, Fry! I want you to make a mer-woman\noutta mer-me.\n\n[She gets under the sheet and her top floats away.]\n\nFRY\nMercy! I do believe I'm gettin' the\nvapours!\n\n[He tears his clothes off and dives under the sheets. He and\nUmbriel kiss and her tail flaps around.]\n\nUMBRIEL\nWhat the hell is that?\n\nFRY\nYeah I'm a little confused too. How\ndo I ... y'know ... with the tail and\nall?\n\nUMBRIEL\nI'm not your first am I? I mean, I-I\nlay my eggs and leave and you release\nyour fertiliser.\n\n[Outside Colonel's House. Fry runs away from the house.]\n\nFRY\n(gasping) Why couldn't she be the other\ntype of mermaid, with the fish part\non top and the lady part on the bottom?\n\n[The Colonel and Umbriel open the door.]\n\nUMBRIEL\nNow who's gonna escort me to the Debutante\nBall?\n\nCOLONEL\nWell what about that rich young dugong\nfrom Macon?\n\n[Ships Cockpit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere! The engine modifications are\ncomplete.\n\nLEELA\nPrepare for launch.\n\n[Cut to: Seabed. The ship takes off from the rocky bed. The engine\nhas been modified to flap around like a fish tail. Fry misses\nthe ship.]\n\nFRY\nWait! Wait for me! Don't leave me here!\n\n[He sees Bender's fish hook and chases it. He leaps up and grabs\nit and it pulls him upwards. The giant bass swims up behind him,\nhe screams and the bass eats him.]\n\n[Port. The bass is hanging from a giant set of scales. Mayor\nPoopenmeyer, photographers and other people are crowded around\nBender.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nAnd so, in honour of his record-breaking\ncatch, I'm proud to award Bender this\ncheque for $1000.\n\n[He shakes Bender's hand and photographers take photos. The crowd\ncheers. The bass spits out Fry followed by Hermes' manwich.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's you!\n\nBENDER\nHey, buddy!\n\nHERMES\nMy manwich!\n\nLEELA\nFry, are you alright? What happened?\n\nAMY\nWhat about Umbriel?\n\nFRY\nWell, it turns out I loved her, but\nI wasn't in love with her.\n\nAMY\n(whispering) Trouble in bed.\n\n[Leela nods.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, it's great to have you back, buddy.\n\n[He puts his arms around Fry. Poopenmeyer looks at the scales.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nWait a-- This is no record! Gimmie back\nthat cheque! I'm giving it to some giant\norphans.\n\n[He snatches the cheque from Bender. Fry starts struggling.]\n\nFRY\nOw! Bender, you're hurting me. Ow!\n\n[He chokes. The bass' gills open. Zoidberg is inside.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHey! I'm trying to sleep in here!\n\nTHE END\n\nDONOVAN\n(over credits) Hail Atlanta!"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Bender-Gets-Made.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 217\n\n\"BENDER GETS MADE\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horstead\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Simulcast On Crazy People's Fillings.]\n\n[Outside Mmm TV Studio. There is a large sign on the door with\na picture of Neptunian chef Elzar and \"Elzar Live! Now Taping.\"\nSmartly dressed people walk through the VIP Entrance and Fry,\nBender and Leela walk through the P Entrance, which is just a\nnormal door right next to the VIP Entrance.]\n\n[Cut to: Mmm TV Studio. At the back of the room people sit in\nbleachers. Fry, Bender and Leela take a seat at a table near\nthe front.]\n\nBENDER\nWow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite\nchef, TV's Elzar. Oh this is the greatest\nnanosecond of my life. No, this one\nis - no, this one. Wait...that one was\nslightly worse. Ah, so far so good on\nthis one.\n\n[The lights dim and Bender squeaks. A drum roll rolls and spotlights\nfly around the kitchen studio at the front.]\n\n[The audience applauds and Bender leaps up cheering.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah! Alright! Yeah baby!\n\n[Elzar takes off the jetpacks and shakes the cheering audiences\nhands.]\n\nMAN\nElzar! Alright!\n\n[Bender block Elzars path.]\n\nBENDER\nElzar, you're my god. Please sign this\nsketch I drew of you.\n\n[He holds up a crude picture of himself staring lovey-eyed at\na Elzar. Elzar takes it stamps it. Bender takes it back and reads\nit. \"I'll Sign This For $50.00. x___\"] (crying) Oh Elzar, bless\nyou!\n\n[He hugs Elzar who struggles to get out of his grip.]\n\nELZAR\nNow, this is why I prefer your non-stick\nrobots.\n\n[The audience laughs and Elzar tickles Bender with an electric\nwhisk. Bender chuckles and lets go of Elzar. Elzar runs to the\nfront of the room.]\n\nBENDER\n(disappointed) Oh. (normal) Alright,\nyeah! (quietly) Alright, yeah!\n\nELZAR\nHey, I hope you folks like Cajun food.\n'Cause today we're making Elzar's down-home\nNeptune-style gumbo. Now, step one.\nYou'll wanna boil some oysters in a\npot of down-home Neptune-style gumbo.\n\nBENDER\n(loudly) Boiled? Interesting.\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Bender, please try to be\na little quieter.\n\nBENDER\nNo, you shut up.\n\nELZAR\nOf course, every now and then you'll\nwanna knock it up a notch with a blast\nfrom your spice weasel. Bam!\n\nBENDER\nOh yeah, bam it again Elzar. Knock it\nup another notch!\n\nELZAR\nJeez, who let this guy through the metal\ndetector?\n\nBENDER\nCome on you wimp. Work that weasel.\nQuit holding out on us.\n\n[Elzar sighs.]\n\nELZAR\nIf you promise to stop interrupting\nalright. Against my will, I'm gonna\nknock it up another notch.\n\n[Bender takes a camera out of his chest cabient.]\n\nBENDER\nI gotta get this notch-up knocking on\nfilm. Hey Elzar, think fast.\n\nELZAR\nWhat, huh?\n\n[The flash goes off and Elzar blasts the spice weasel straight\ninto Leela's eye.]\n\nLEELA\nOw! My eye! I'm blind!\n\n[The crowd gasps and murmurs.]\n\nBENDER\nBam!\n\n[An ambulance speeds through the streets of New New York and\nstops outside the Taco Bellevue Hospital.]\n\n[Cut to: Taco Bellevue Hospital. Paramedics run in with Leela\non a hover-bed. In a cubicle a small doctor examines Hattie.]\n\nHATTIE\nTell me doctor, how's my cyst?\n\n[The doctor is a near dead ringer for Gidget the Taco Bell chihuahua.]\n\nHATTIE'S DOCTOR\nGrande.\n\n[Taco Bellevue Hospital Eye Clinic. While a doctor examines Leela's\nbloodshot eye, Zoidberg dressed in scrubs talks to Fry.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI don't like the look of this doctor.\nI bet I've lost more patients than he's\neven treated.\n\nDOCTOR\nOK. What does this look like?\n\n[He holds up a picture of a blob to Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nUm...a grey-ish blob?\n\n[And it is.]\n\nDOCTOR\nRight. And this one?\n\nLEELA\nUm...a grey-ish blob?\n\nDOCTOR\nNot as right that time. It looks like\nyou might have some mild corneal irritation.\n\nZOIDBERG\nNice try little boy. You might have\nyour textbook knowledge and your real\ndiploma but I have more skill in my\nlittle claw than you have in your whole\ncarapace.\n\n[He screams and clacks his claws at the doctor.]\n\nDOCTOR\nYou seem a bit tense. Here try these.\n\nZOIDBERG\nSure, butter me up with candy. But it\nwon't work sonny! (dazed) Why always\nthe fighting?\n\n[He walks away and the doctor turns to Leela.]\n\nDOCTOR\nYour eye just needs some rest. You'll\nhave to wear this patch for about a\nweek.\n\n[He puts a black eye patch over Leela's eye and she groans.]\n\nLEELA\nA week? What do you think Dr Zoidberg?\n\n[Zoidberg, still dazed, clacks his claw past his face.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(dazed) Clack.\n\n[Taco Bellevue Hospital Waiting Room. Amy and Bender pace around.\nThe doors open and Leela and Zoidberg walk in. Leela holds onto\nZoidberg's arm...]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(dazed) Thanks for the help Leela.\n\n[He sits down. Fry joins Amy and Bender.]\n\nAMY\n(shouting) Leela, we're right here.\n\nLEELA\nI'm not deaf. I just have to wear this\nstupid eye patch. Does it look stupid?\n\nFRY\nNo. In fact, it looks so nice I think\nI might get one too.\n\n[He gestures an emphatic \"no\" to the others. Enter Elzar.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's Elzar again! Oh my God I'm so excited\nI wish I could wet my pants.\n\nELZAR\nLeela, please, let me make this up to\nyou. You and your friends are all invited\nto my restaurant tonight. I'm gonna\nbam you up a dinner you'll never forget.\n\nAMY\n(cheering) Alright!\n\nFRY\n(cheering) Yeah!\n\nBENDER\n(cheering) Hooray for blindy!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh God. I'm coming dowwwn!\n\n[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. A couple fly in on jetpacks and\nthe valets take them and fly away.]\n\n[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The whole crew are out for the\nevening. Waiters hold plates piled high with food.]\n\nELZAR\nFolks tell the neighbours to watch your\nmouth 'cause your tastebuds are going\non vacation. I made you each your own\nspecial meal so dig in!\n\n[A waiter puts a plate in front of Hermes and he gasps.]\n\nHERMES\nIt's the biggest Jamaican platter I've\never seen. Jerk chicken, jerk beef,\njerk pork. Is there any meat this man\ncan't jerk?\n\n[Zoidberg looks at his plate.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe king crab is to die for! Look, a\ntiny edible crown!\n\n[He eats it.]\n\nAMY\nWhat's it made of?\n\nZOIDBERG [EATING]\nWood!\n\n[Bender eats his food. Whatever it is it's burning. Fry has a\nburger.]\n\nBENDER\nOh Fry, you gotta try this sterno-nicoise!\n\nFRY\nNo thanks. That's robot food.\n\nBENDER\nIt's so good. Oh just try a little!\n\nFRY\nNo really I don't - Mmm!\n\nAMY\nYou doing alright over there Leela?\n\nLEELA\nOh yeah, this salad's fantastic. So\nfresh.\n\n[She eats it.]\n\n[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The couple from earlier have finished\ntheir meal and the valets return their jetpacks.]\n\n[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew have finished their meal\ntoo. Hermes pushes his empty plate away, sighs and pats his stomach.\nFarnsworth wipes his mouth and Bender opens his door and burps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my. That steamed carrot was a bit\nspicy for me.\n\n[Elzar walks in behind him with a tray of chocolates.]\n\nELZAR\nEverybody enjoy their dinner?\n\nLEELA\nAre you kidding me?\n\nAMY\nUh-huh.\n\nBENDER\nGod, yes Elzar.\n\nELZAR\nWell, I enjoyed cooking for you. And\njust to make everything completely square,\nI want you to have these complimentary\nafter-dinner chocolates.\n\n[The crew takes the chocolates. Underneath is a piece of paper.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat's this under the chocolates?\n\nELZAR\nYeah, you take care of that whenever\nyou want.\n\nHERMES\nHey.\n\nAMY\nA bill?\n\nLEELA\nYou're charging us? After you blinded\nme?\n\nELZAR\nHey I made you a nice meal. This ain't\na charity.\n\nFRY\n$1200?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHoly Zombie Jesus!\n\nHERMES\nWe don't have that kind of money. Especially\nnot Zoidberg.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey took away my credit card.\n\nELZAR\nOK OK wait. I know how to take care\nof this, no problem.\n\n[Time Lapse. URL puts some cuffs on Leela. The rest of the crew\nare cuffed too.]\n\nURL\nYou deadbeats are under arrest. It's\na stone cold shame.\n\n[Fry picks his nose.]\n\nSMITTY\nHe's making a break for it. Get him!\n\n[He and URL draw their lightsabers.]\n\nFRY\nNo, I was just picking my nose.\n\nSMITTY\nHe's picking his nose. Get him!\n\n[He and URL bash Fry around the head.]\n\n[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew file out of the restaurant\ninto the police van.]\n\nSMITTY\nThe old dine-and-dash huh? My daddy\nowned a restaurant and it's punks like\nyou who kept it from going regional.\nThat's why I became a cop.\n\nURL\nNow it's payback time. Aww yeah.\n\nZOIDBERG\nPlease don't hit me. I'm brittle.\n\nBENDER\nHey wait a second. I've got the perfect\nsolution.\n\nZOIDBERG\nListen to the smart robot.\n\nBENDER\nI love cooking and Elzar's ass likes\ngetting kissed right?\n\nELZAR\nNo question.\n\nBENDER\nSo, how 'bout I work part time at the\nrestaurant to pay off our debt?\n\nELZAR\nI don't know. I usually hire people\nwho are a little less unbearable.\n\nHERMES\nOh, Bender's a model employee.\n\nAMY\nHe's so polite.\n\nLEELA\nAnd hard working.\n\nFRY\nHe's made of candy.\n\nELZAR\nOK, fine, I'll give it a shot.\n\nFRY\n(cheering) Alright!\n\nHERMES\n(cheering) Yes!\n\nBENDER\nHot diggety!\n\n[Smitty and URL take their cuffs off.]\n\nSMITTY\nYou'd better keep your nose clean.\n\nBENDER\nThat'll be easy. I never wear the damn\nthing.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew at the\nmorning meeting.]\n\nHERMES\nAh. Time for my precious 10am meeting.\nWhere in Legoland is Leela?\n\n[Leela walks in with Nibbler on a lead.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm here and I'm getting along just\nfine thank you. My walk to work today\njust took a little longer than usual.\nNibbler took me through the zoo for\nsome reason.\n\n[Nibbler coughs up some antlers. Leela sits down on Zoidberg\nand he groans.]\n\nAMY\nLeela, a little help is nothing to be\nembarrassed about. Like, maybe I could\ndo your makeup.\n\nLEELA\nI don't need help. For you information\nI did this all by myself.\n\n[She turns around. The other side of her face is messed up with\nsquiggly lines of lipstick and mascara everywhere.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou look beautiful. Incidentally, my\nfavourite artist is Picasso.\n\n[Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, I'm off to work at the restaurant.\nOne of you will have to fill in for\nme while I'm gone.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBetter yet, I'll build someone to fill\nin for you. Some kind of gamma powered\nmechanical monster, with freeway on-ramps\nfor arms and a heart as black as coal...\n\n[He walks out the door. Bender turns to the rest of the crew.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, if that new give can't handle\nthing, gimmie a call.\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine Entrance. Elzar empties the cash from the\ntill into his pockets. Bender walks in covered in grease and\nwearing an apron.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm done siphoning out the grease trap.\nI think I need a mint. So uh, what\njob do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier?\nSoup guy?\n\nELZAR\nBam!\n\n[He holds up a plunger and Bender takes it.]\n\nBENDER\n(muttering) Bam yourself! (talking)\nHey, who are they?\n\nELZAR\nLet's just say they're very good customers\nand I'm not answering anymore questions.\n\nBENDER\nAre they the robot mafia?\n\nELZAR\nYes.\n\n[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The waitress shows the Mafiabots\nto their table.]\n\nDONBOT\nYou call this a table? You call this\na table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the\nhead with this table.\n\nCLAMPS\nYou hear that? The Donbot don't like\nit. I oughta clamp you - you wanna be\nclamped?\n\n[He shows her his clamps and she flinches. The second mobbot,\nJoey Mousepad, pulls him away.]\n\nJOEY\nWhoa whoa, calm down Clamps. The boss,\nhe likes a wall up which his back can\nbe put against. Such as like this there.\n\n[He points at a table with a family already sitting at it.]\n\nWAITRESS\nBut that table's already -\n\n[Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, let me bus that for you gentlemen.\nNo, what I meant to do was...\n\n[He slides the plates off the table and they fall to the floor\nand break.]\n\nWOMAN\nOh!\n\nMAN\nI can't believe this!\n\nBENDER\nMind your own business and get out!\n\n[The family storm out and Bender kicks the plates around some\nmore.]\n\nDONBOT\nHuh. I like this guy's lack of style.\n\n[Time Lapse. The mobbots are sat at their table.]\n\nCLAMPS\n...So I finally get this guy a pair\nof cement shoes which he likes, 'cause\nthey're lighter than his lead ones.\n\n[Bender hands them their change on a tray and starts to leave.]\n\nDONBOT\nHey. You think this computes over here?\nWhere's all my change? I gave you a\nhundred.\n\nBENDER\nNo you gave me a fifty.\n\nDONBOT\nOh no I didn't.\n\nBENDER\nYeah you did.\n\nCLAMPS\nHey, you tryin' to steal from the Donbot?\n\nBENDER\nI'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy.\n\n[Clamps and Joey stand up and Bender steps back. Donbot starts\nto laugh. Clamps and Joey join in.]\n\nDONBOT\nGet a load of the ball bearings on this\nguy, huh. I like you kid. Here's something\nfor your trouble. (whispering) It's\nmoney.\n\nBENDER\nWow thanks.\n\nDONBOT\nHey, you earned that 50 bucks.\n\nBENDER\nYou gave me a twenty.\n\nDONBOT\nI did? Oh I'm sorry I meant to - hey\nwait a minute. I got a good feeling\nabout you. Say, you wanna work for me\nas a hired goon?\n\nBENDER\nAre you kidding? I've always wanted\nto break into gooning! (shouting) Hey\nElzar, I quit.\n\n[Alley. Bender is with the mobbots. Donbot holds up a 3.5\" disk.]\n\nDONBOT\nWe're gonna try you out with a little\ndelivery job. It's for a uh, private\nlottery that we run.\n\nBENDER\nWow, you guys run numbers?!\n\nCLAMPS\nWell, nothing fancy. Just ones and zeros\nmostly.\n\nDONBOT\nJust take this disk over to the pool\nhall and give it to Sammy \"The Mechanical\nBull\" Gravano. And watch out for the\ncops.\n\n[Bender takes the disk.]\n\nBENDER\nThat's just what my mom used to tell\nme.\n\n[Cut to: Little Bitaly Street. Bender walks out of the alley\nand into a street fair. Robots play hoopla and they all win and\ncheer. A heliumbot blows up a balloon, twists it into a human\nshape and gives to a kidbot. Bender stops by an OI\"L\"-AD\"E\" stall\nrun by Tinny Tim with certain letters turned backwards. He downs\na glass.]\n\nBENDER\nThat's some fine oil-ade son. We could\nuse a man like you in the Robot Mafia\nwhich I'm sorta in.\n\nTINNY TIM\nYou flatter me kind goon. But I'm only\nprogrammed to sell oil-ade and write\nin cute backwards letters like on the\nsign here.\n\n[Bender is about to take about to take another sip when he sees\nsomething across the street.]\n\nBENDER\nAw crap, the cops.\n\n[Across the street, Smitty and URL are dressed in civilian clothes\nbut still wearing their police helmets. They read a \"Non-Police\nNews\" newspaper.]\n\nSMITTY\nSeen any suspicious activity?\n\nURL\nNope. But check out today's Marmaduke.\nSolid!\n\n[Smitty looks across the road.]\n\nSMITTY\nHey. It's that skell from Elzar's.\n\n[URL speaks into his wrist communicator.\n\nURL\nUndercover pursuit in progress...baby.\n\n[They cover their faces with their newspapers and follow Bender\nwho cheerfully whistles. Smitty drops his paper and grabs Bender's\narms.]\n\nSMITTY\nGotcha!\n\nBENDER\nWhat seems to be the problem officers?\nWas I speeding?\n\nSMITTY\nWe'll decide what you were doing after\nan illegal search.\n\n[URL snaps on some gloves and feels inside Bender's chest cabinet.\nBender giggles.]\n\nURL\nHe's clean. Smells nice too.\n\nSMITTY\nBetter than me?\n\nURL\nAww yeah.\n\n[They leave and Bender looks across the street. Tinny Tim stands\non the steps of Pat's Pool Hall; Rich Beginners Welcome. The\ndoor opens. Tinny Tim holds out the disk to a robot.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nCourtesy of Mr Bender.\n\n[The robot takes it and closes the door. Tinny Tim winks and\nwaves some money at Bender. Bender thumbs ups. The mobbots come\naround the corner.]\n\nDONBOT\nNice job Bender, you passed the test.\nYou wanna joi me, Clamps and Joey Mousepad\nat out uh, social club tomorrow night?\n\nBENDER\nUh, I'd rather plan some fellonies.\n\nDONBOT\nOh. Then we should meet at our Mafia\ncrime headquarters.\n\n[Fronty's Meat Market. On the front of the building a sign states\nthat it is \"Not A Front Since 2997.\" Inside Bender looks around\nand opens a freezer room door.]\n\n[Cut to: Freezer Room. Donbot sits on several block of ice with\nClamps and Joey to either side. Meat carcasses hang on hooks\naround them and a trembling robot stand in front of them.]\n\nROBOT\nDonbot, I beg you, I can't make this\nweek's loan payment. Look into your\nhard drive and open your mercy file.\n\nDONBOT\nFile not found. Let that be a warning\nto you.\n\n[The robot gets up and puts on his hat.]\n\nROBOT\nThank you Donbot.\n\n[He leaves and Bender walks in.]\n\nBENDER\nJoey, Clamps, Donny B!\n\nDONBOT\nHey listen Bender. We got a big score\nplanned but uh, we need some muscle.\n\nBENDER\nA little of this huh?\n\n[Joey punches his door.]\n\nJOEY\nHo ho, this guy's an ox! He's got oxon-like\nstrength! Hey, he needs a nickname right?\nLet's call him Clamps.\n\nCLAMPS\nClamps? That's my name you numbskull!\nDon't make me clamp you one!\n\n[He clacks his clamps.]\n\nBENDER\nHow 'bout \"Blotto\"? It's witty, it's\ngot street cred. Plus I can keep my\nmonogrammed slippers.\n\nJOEY\nGood thinking! Hey hey! Now, this score\nain't gonna be no cake walk in the tea\npark alright, there may be some death\nkilling.\n\nCLAMPS\nIt's gonna be clamp this, clamp that,\nbada-climp, bada-clamp.\n\nDONBOT\nWhat d'you think Blotto? You in?\n\nBENDER\nIt's funny. Until now I always wanted\nto be a gangster...so the answer's yes.\n\nCLAMPS\nYeah!\n\nJOEY\nHey hey! Way to go way to be way to\nshoot!\n\nDONBOT\nNow since we're committing crimes that\nmay be against the law, I suggest you\nhave an alibi.\n\nBENDER\nAn alibi huh?\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The ship is on it's launching mechanism\npreparing to be raised into the launch position.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Corridor. Outside Bender's and his quarters,\nFry holds a tray with two sundaes on it. Bender groans from inside.]\n\nFRY\nBut we're about to take off. We gotta\neat our blastoff sundaes.\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. Bender isn't inside. Instead\nhe has hooked up a tape-reel machine to play over and over.]\n\nFRY [FROM OUTSIDE]\nOK you stay in bed. I'll eat yours.\n\n[The tape rewinds.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela, still wearing her eyepatch, feels\nfor a button. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nBender's sick. Need any help taking\noff?\n\n[Nibbler sniffs at the sundae.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm fine thank you. A real pilot can\nnavigate by feel alone.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar doors half open and\nthe ship blasts through them, leaving a hole in them.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Zoidberg turn\naround at the table and see the hole in the doors and the rubble\non the hangar floor.]\n\nHERMES\nThat's coming outta your pay!\n\n[Zoidberg bursts into tears.]\n\n[Mafiabot Ship. Joey Mousepad drives. Bender walks in with a\npot of food and puts it on a table which Donbot and Clamps are\nsat at.]\n\nBENDER\nYou know the secret of traditional robot\ncooking? Start with a good high-quality\noil...then eat it. So whats this big\nscore anyway?\n\n[He ladels some oil into Donbot's dish.]\n\nDONBOT\nWe're heisting a shipment of Zuban cigars.\n\nBENDER\nZubans? Those are the finest cigars\nin the universe. I can stink up a hole\nmaternity ward with one of those things.\n\nJOEY\nYo there's our pigeon now. Let's shoot\nbullets out of our guns.\n\n[Bender drinks a ladelful of oil and looks out through the windscreen\nand squeals. The Planet Express ship flies ahead of the Mafia\nship. He spits out the oil for a very very very long time.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The mobbots have their guns ready. Bender looks\nout the window biting his nails with fear.]\n\nDONBOT\nAlright, here's the battleplan: We shoot,\nthey surrender, we go aboard, somebody\ndoes some clamping then we heist the\ncigars and go home.\n\nBENDER\nAnd all without killing anyone. This\ngang's got some fresh new ideas. I admire\nthat.\n\nJOEY\nOh, we'll kill 'em alright.\n\nCLAMPS\nWe got 'em heavily out-clamped. They\nwon't know what clamped 'em!\n\n[Bender gulps.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Nibbler gobbles some food from his dish\nand Fry leans back on his seat looking through the window.]\n\nFRY\nWow, it's too bad you can't see Leela\n'cause theres a cool ship out there\nshooting at somebody.\n\n[The orange laser bolts hit the ship and it shakes and knocks\nFry and Leela off their chairs.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm taking evasive action.\n\n[She his sitting on the other side of the cockpit holding Nibbler's\nbowl instead of the wheel.]\n\nFRY\nUh, Leela?\n\nLEELA\nStop bothering me Fry, I need full concentration.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. Clamps and Joey Mousepad stand\non the portside of the ship firing lasers from their tommyguns.\nThe Planet Express ship turns wildly away.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Laser Turret. Fry returns fire and misses. The\nfront of the Mafiabot ship opens and missile comes flying out\nof it. Fry squeals and pulls a string.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry has rigged up the strings to turn\nthe wheel. He turns the ship starboard and missile flies away\nfrom the ship and explodes.]\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nMissile evaded.\n\nLEELA\nEyesight is for chumps.\n\n[Cut to: Mafiabot Ship. Donbot drives and Bender stands next\nto him tense.]\n\nDONBOT\nTheir desire to keep living shows me\nno respect. Hey Blotto, roll down the\nwindow and start shooting.\n\n[He hands him a tommygun.]\n\nBENDER\nUm, uh, um. (fake hurt) Ooh ow! He\ngot me! Ow, what a shot that guy is.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela stops turning her new wheel.]\n\nLEELA\nWait. Why do the raised letters that\nnormally say \"Turnmaster Steering company\"\nsay \"Nibbler\"? Oh no!\n\n[She throws the dish down and makes her way over to the pilot's\nseat.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Laser Turret. Leela takes control of the ship\nand it jerks sideways. She crackles onto a screen.]\n\nLEELA [ON SCREEN]\nI'm back at the wheel Fry. Everything's\nunder control.\n\nFRY\nGreat, great. The one time I forgot\nto buy flight insurance.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. The Planet Express ship turns\naround and heads for the mobbot's ship. Joey screams.]\n\nJOEY\nThey're coming straight towards our\nproximity. Maybe you should give 'em\nthe clamps Clamps.\n\nCLAMPS\nGee you think? You think that maybe\nI should use these clamps that I use\nevery day at every opportunity? (shouting)\nYou're a freaking genius you idiot!\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies by and Clamps grabs it's tail\nfin. On the fin is a sign that clearly says \"Fuel Line. Do Not\nClamp.\" Clamps ignores it and clamps the fuel line. The ship's\nengines shut down.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry slides down the turret access ladder\nand runs into the cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nThe engine's stalled. I'm trying the\nmanual fuel pump.\n\n[She pumps Nibbler's eyestalk up and down. The doors opens and\nFry screams. The three Mafiabots are standing in the doorway.]\n\nDONBOT\nHello, we're the Robot Mafia. The entire\nRobot Mafia. We're here to steal your\ncigars.\n\n[Leela gets up and points at something that isn't a Mafiabot.]\n\nLEELA\nYou'll never get away with this.\n\nFRY\nUnless you let us live. Then you'll\nget off scot free.\n\nDONBOT\nJoey, Clamps, hurry and blindfold them\nbefore they see us some more.\n\n[Clamps blindfolds Fry and Joey points at Leela.]\n\nJOEY\nHey boss, looks like somebody beat us\nto it.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nI'll assume that's a joke at my expense.\nWell, who's laughing now? Heyya!\n\n[She kicks Fry in the face and he groans and falls over. Joey\nholds her.]\n\nDONBOT\nHey where's Blotto? He should be here\nlearning the trade.\n\n[Bender peers in through the doorway.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Corridor. Bender opens his chest cabinet and\nturns a voice modulator knob from \"Robot\" to \"King,\" making him\nsound like a posh snob.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender wanders in.]\n\nBENDER\nSorry I'm tardy old bean, I was just\nenjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich.\n\nDONBOT\nHey. He's more classy than I realised.\nTie up the prisoners.\n\nBENDER\nCapital idea old sport. I say, get\nthe hell off me!\n\n[Leela leans over to Fry.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) That guy sounds familiar.\n\n[Bender puts a bucket over Nibbler and brick on top. He stands\nup and his antenna hooks onto Leela's patch and pulls it off.]\n\nBENDER\nMy word, what have we - Uh, nothing\nto see here old girl.\n\nJOEY\nHey boss, this here crew list lists\na robot on this crew here.\n\nDONBOT\nAlright. I want you to find him and\nplug him. Then unplug him.\n\n[Fry and Leela gasp.]\n\nFRY\nNo!\n\nCLAMPS\nI got a little surprise in store for\nthat guy. The clamps! Eh?\n\n[He laughs and turns to leave.]\n\nBENDER\nUh wait, old...spice. Let me have a\ngo at this mechanised chap. I can be\nquite the rough customer.\n\n[He walks out.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Corridor. He disappears into his and Fry's quarters.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Oh no, poor Bender.\n\n[The sound out metal smashing metal comes from the quarters.\nThe real Bender laughs.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. Bender sits reading Somewhat\nFantastic Sci-Fi. He hits himself on the head with a frying pan.]\n\nBENDER\n(fake voice) ...Take that you twit.\n(normal voice) No! Stop it!\n\n[The tape starts to rewind and Bender hits the machine with the\nfrying pan, breaking it.]\n\n[Ship's Cargo Bay. The Mafiabots have installed a linkway from\nthe Planet Express cargo bay to theirs. Bender carries the last\ncrate towards the linkway.]\n\nDONBOT\nThat's the last of 'em. Alright now\nlet's Mafia things up a little. Joey,\nburn down the ship. Clamps, burn down\nthe crew.\n\n[Bender runs back in and talks like he's from New York.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, hey Donny, baby, gimmie a chance\nhere huh? Yous guys skidaddle. Let me\ntake care of the doity woik.\n\nDONBOT\nHey, I like your attitude. And your\nlatest accent. Keep it up and I might\njust get you your own pair of clamps\nhuh?\n\n[He pats Bender's cheek and leaves.]\n\nCLAMPS\n(muttering) He's gonna get clamps? Clamps\nclamps......clamps clamps!\n\nBENDER\nPhew.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The Mafiabot ship flies away. Nibbler\nsqueaks from under the bucket. Fry and Leela are still tied up.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, we may not have much time left......so\nlet's spend all of it reminscing about\nBender. He was like a big computer than\nran on magic.\n\n[Bender sits down, ties his arms up behind the chair and clears\nhis throat.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, help! Help!\n\nLEELA\nBender!\n\nFRY\nYou're OK!\n\nBENDER\nYes I am. Having just this minute regained\nconsciousness.\n\nLEELA\nI've got an idea. Hold still. It's\nabout to break, yes, yes!\n\n[Bender's arm drops off.]\n\nLEELA\n(cheering) Alright!\n\nBENDER\nYeah it broke alright\n\n[Outside Planet Express. Leela has crashed the ship into the\ntower, making the building look more like Planet Hollywood than\nPlanet Express.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are all assembled.]\n\nFRY\nI'm telling you, Leela was cool, she\nwas in command, and when she kicked\npeople it hurt. It really hurt.\n\nLEELA\nWell, this is the big moment. It's finally\ntime to take my patch off.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'll handle the snipping. Afterall I\ndo have the proper equipment.\n\n[He ignores his claw and uses some scissors to cut the patch\noff. Leela sees a shape come into view and gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nI think it's Blotto. That gangster I\nsaw when my patch fell off. Professor?\nWhere were you at 10pm last night?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhere am I now?\n\n[The doorbell rings and Bender goes to answer it.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. He opens the door and gasps when he\nsees Tinny Tim.]\n\nBENDER\nSo they sent a helpless child to kill\nme? Well I'm not going out without a\nfight.\n\n[He kicks Tinny Tim's crutch away and he hops around without\nit.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nFine kick sir. But I'm actually here\nto deliver your cut from the cigar heist.\n\nBENDER\nOh sweet legal tender! Kid, tell the\nDonbot I'm quitting organised crime.\nFrom now on I'll stick to regular kind.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The ship is back in the hangar.\nBender sits down with a cigar in his mouth. He takes the cash\nout of his chest cabinet. Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nIt's funny Bender. With you sick and\nLeela blind only I know what really\nwent on out there. Maybe someday I'll\ntell you the whole story.\n\nBENDER\nAnd maybe someday I won't listen.\n\n[He starts to eat his cash again.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Problem-With-Popplers.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 218\n\n\"THE PROBLEM WITH POPPLERS\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela appear in an oval.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voice-over) Futurama is brought to\nyou by......Molten Boron!\n\nJINGLE\n(singing) Nobody doesn't like Molten\nBoron!\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: For External Use Only.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The Planet Express ship flies away from a dark\nbrown world surrounded by green clouds. Fry and Leela talk.]\n\nFRY\nI hate the Planet of the Moochers. They\ntake you out for a drink, but when the\ncheck comes, their wallet's always in\ntheir other pants - which they borrowed\nfrom me!\n\n[He is indeed only wearing his underwear on his lower half. Bender\nclimbs up the ladder from the galley wearing his chef's hat and\nan apron which says \"Heil To The Chef\".]\n\nLEELA\nDinner ready?\n\nBENDER\nNah, those lousy Moochers cleaned out\nour pantry. All they left was baking\nsoda and capers. And here it is!\n\n[He holds up a plate piled high with the stuff.]\n\nFRY\nUgh!\n\nLEELA\nUgh! Great. We're two days from Earth\nwith no food.\n\nBENDER\nProblem solved: You two fight to the\ndeath and I'll cook the loser. (whispering\nto Leela) Work his gut; I like it tender.\n\nFRY\nMaybe that planet over there has a\ndrive-thru. A Burger Jerk or a Fishy\nJoe's or a Chizzler or something.\n\nBENDER\nAh, don't get your hopes up. We're a\nbillion miles from nowhere.\n\nLEELA\nYeah. It's probably only got a Howard\nJohnson's.\n\n[Planet Surface. The ship flies over the planet's lush forests\nwhich are covered by an orange-brown haze. It lands in a clearing.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela scans the area. Fry walks off into the woods.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, it's a type-M planet, so it should\nat least have Roddenberries.\n\nFRY\nI'm experienced at foraging. I used\nto find edible mushrooms on my bath\nmat.\n\n[Bender arrives with a sack over his shoulder.]\n\nBENDER\nI found some rocks. You guys eat rocks,\nright?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nBENDER\n(tempting) Not even if they're saut\u00e9ed\nin a little mud?\n\n[He bounces a bucket of mud up and down. Fry pushes some leaves\napart.]\n\nFRY\nHere's something. It looks like a ditch\nfull of fried shrimp.\n\nBENDER\nWhat are you, blind? It looks more like\na hole full of fried prawns.\n\n[Leela picks it up and scans it with her armband. It makes a\nnoise like a truck.]\n\nLEELA\nHm. This thing I wear on my wrist says\nthey're not poisonous.\n\n[She puts it in her mouth and starts chewing.]\n\nFRY\nWell? How are they? Oh, they're great!\nThey're like sex! Except I'm having\nthem!\n\n[Bender sniffs one.]\n\nBENDER\nYou know what these would go great with?\nRocks.\n\nFRY\nLook! Here's more!\n\nBENDER\nThe planet's covered with 'em.\n\nFRY\nLet's bring back a couple of pocketfuls.\n\nBENDER\nNo, a whole Bender-ful!\n\n[He opens his chest door and starts filling his cabinet.]\n\nLEELA\nNo. Only what we need. Stuff the ship.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The ships comes in ready to land. There\nis a crate strapped to the roof. The hangar roof opens.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Hermes stands at a control panel\nwearing earphones and a mic.]\n\nHERMES\nPlanet Express ship, you are cleared\nto land.\n\nLEELA\nRoger!\n\n[The ship lands.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The whole crew are gathered around the\ntable eating the things.]\n\nHERMES\nOh, man, I'm inhaling these things!\nYou guys scored some primo stuff here.\n\n[Zoidberg eats some.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey're tastier than an unguarded penguin\nnest. What do you call them?\n\nLEELA\nWe haven't thought of a name yet.\n\nBENDER\nThey're tasty, right? Let's call 'em\n\"Tasty-cles\".\n\n[Hermes gasps.]\n\nAMY\nEw!\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo!\n\nLEELA\nWe can't call them that.\n\nBENDER\nWhy not?\n\nLEELA\nIt sounds too much like those frozen\nrocky mountain oysters on a stick. You\nknow, Test-cicles?\n\n[Hermes types something on a computer.]\n\nHERMES\nAccording to government records, the\nonly names not yet trademarked are \"Popplers\"\nand \"Zittzers\".\n\nFRY\nI know, we'll call them Popplers!\n\nBENDER\nGood idea.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, yeah, why not?\n\nAMY\nYou sure picked it.\n\nFRY\nSwish!\n\n[Zoidberg crams some more into his mouth.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCall them what you want. I call them\na free meal.\n\n[Bender grabs his claw.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa, slow down there, Sigmund.\nI can't stand idly by while poor people\nget free food. We gotta sell these things!\n\nFRY\nHey, yeah.\n\nLEELA\nGood idea.\n\nBENDER\nBender's a genius.\n\n[New New York City Street. Fry and Bender have set up a hover-cart\nselling fresh Popplers. They sell a bag to a guy and Fry holds\nsome cash.]\n\nFRY\nHey, business is great.\n\nBENDER\nAh, great is OK, but amazing would be\ngreat.\n\n[They look across the street and see a queue forming at a hot\ndog stand.]\n\nVENDOR\nPlease, don't push, there's hot dogs\nfor everyone.\n\n[Bender grumbles and crosses the road. The vendor hands a man\na hot dog.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, Mac, where do you want those rat\ndroppings you ordered?\n\n[The man throws his hot dog down and the people in the queue\ncross the road to the popplers stand.]\n\nWOMAN\nThat's disgusting.\n\nVENDOR\nWait a minute. You're not the guy who\ndelivers the rat droppings.\n\n[Bender chuckles and walks back across the road. A short man\nwith stubble is talking to Fry.]\n\nMAN\nWhat are you selling? Popplers? Never\nheard of 'em.\n\nBENDER\nEat it or beat it.\n\n[Fry hands the man a bag and he eats some.]\n\nMAN\nMmm, these are great. Boys, this is\nyour lucky day. I'm Joe Gillman.\n\n[He points at a Fishy Joe's sign where he is dressed as a pirate\nand eating a sandwich with an entire fish in it.]\n\nFRY\nWow! You're some guy who eats at Fishy\nJoe's?\n\nGILLMAN\nHell, no. I am Fishy Joe! I've got a\nfast-food franchise on every planet\nin the known universe. Uh, except McPluto.\n\nBENDER\nHey, Fishy. I've been meaning to write\nyou about your in-store kiddie parks.\nThe slides won't support an adult robot.\n\nGILLMAN\nGood point, not interested. But these\nPopplers, these are great. How much\nyou sell 'em for?\n\nFRY\nA dollar a dozen.\n\nGILLMAN\nYou'll never make money that way. You\nsupply 'em to me and I'll sell 'em for\ntwo bucks a dozen at my restaurants.\nI'll even pay you a dollar a dozen.\n\nBENDER\nYes! I'm gonna be rich. You too but\nit's hard to get excited about that.\n\nFRY\nHow do we sign?\n\n[Montage Scene. The Popplers popularity starts to grow. An Over\nX Popplers Served sign is placed outside Fishy Joe's. It turns\nto one. Fry and Bender record an advertising jingle.]\n\nFRY AND BENDER\n(singing) Pop a Poppler in your mouth\n\nWhen you come to Fishy Joe's\n\nWhat they're made of is a mystery\n\nWhere they come from no-one knows\n\nYou can pick 'em\n\nYou can lick 'em\n\nYou can chew 'em\n\nYou can stick 'em\n\nIf you promise not to sue us\n\nYou can shove one up your nose.\n\n[In space, Bender paints \"Poppler\" on the ships tail and scrubs\nout \"Planet\", making it Poppler Express. The ship speeds through\nspace carrying a crate of live Popplers. The sign turns over\nto over one million sold. People buy Popplers from tube-thru\nwindow. Zoidberg arrives and turns his pockets inside out.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI can't pay.\n\n[Behind him, people shake their fists at him.]\n\nWOMAN\nMove it, man. Come on!\n\n[The ship flies out into space and comes back to Earth with a\nU-Yank trailer. It flies over the city and crashes into a billboard\nwhich says \"Fishy Joe's. Over 3.8 x 10^10 Popplers Served\".]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nLeela! That's the second billboard you've\ncrashed into this week!\n\nLEELA\nSorry. I was distracted by those protesters\noutside our building.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The ship and U-Yank trailer land inside\nwhile a crowd of hippies congregate outside with placards saying\n\"Stopp Before You Popp\", \"Eating Is Murder\" and \"Popplers Are\nPeoplers Too!\"]\n\nHIPPIE #1\nDisgusting!\n\nHIPPIE #2\nYou should be ashamed!\n\n[Farnsworth leans out of the lounge window.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Hey! Unless this is a nude\nlove-in, get the hell off my property!\n\n[The leader, a guy called Free Waterfall Jr., laughs.]\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nYou can't own property, man!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI can, but that's because I'm not a\npenniless hippie.\n\n[Leela, Fry and Bender arrive at the window.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) What do you people want?\n\nWATERFALL JR.\n(shouting) We're with Mankind for Ethical\nAnimal Treatment. Popplers are living\ncreatures. You gotta stop harvesting\nthem for food!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Or what?\n\nWATERFALL JR.\n(shouting) Or we'll boycott Fishy Joe's.\n\nLEELA\nYou're vegetarians, who cares what you\ndo?\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nShut up.\n\nLEELA\nAnimals eat other animals. It's nature.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nNo, it isn't. We taught a lion to eat\ntofu. The point is, you shouldn't eat\nthings that feel pain.\n\n[Bender throws a brick at him and he clutches his head.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) OK, we won't eat you.\n\nLEELA\nI'll go get some more bricks.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks over to the table\nand picks up some Fishy Joe's buckets.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, I wish you'd throw out these week-old\nPopplers. They're getting big and scaly.\nOoh, there's one left.\n\n[She picks it up. It uncurls itself. It has eyes and a mouth.]\n\nPOPPLER\nMama!\n\n[Leela gasps and lets go of it. It lands in some honey mustard\nsauce, laughs, and swims around in it. She clasps her hands to\nher mouth and licks her fingers.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela runs into the lounge later where the rest\nof the crew are eating Popplers.]\n\nLEELA\nStop! Stop eating Popplers!\n\n[She throws Fry's, Zoidberg's and Farnsworth's buckets off the\ntable and smacks them out of Hermes' and Amy's hands.]\n\nAMY\nWhy?\n\n[Leela smashes Bender's beer.]\n\nBENDER\nMy booze!\n\nLEELA\nPopplers are intelligent. This one called\nme mama.\n\n[She has the Poppler wrapped in a Tender 'n' Juicy napkin.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCongratulations. I assume Amy is the\nfather.\n\nBENDER\nPopplers can't talk. Leela must be hallucinating\nfrom not eating enough Popplers. Here,\neat some now.\n\n[He picks up a bucket. Leela turns away.]\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\n[Bender squeezes her mouth open and tips some Popplers into her\nmouth.]\n\nBENDER\nI said \"eat\"! Come on, mange!\n\n[Leela throws the bucket into a bin, gasps and runs over to it.]\n\nLEELA\nSorry, babies.\n\n[She puts it on the table.]\n\nAMY\nLeela, maybe you should lie down.\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes, listen to the father.\n\nLEELA\nI'm telling you, it spoke to me. Come\non, little Poppler, say \"mama\".\n\n[She tickles it. Fry tuts and leans back in his chair.]\n\nFRY\nLook, Leela, even if you heard one talk,\nthat doesn't mean it's intelligent.\nI mean, parrots talk and we eat them,\nright?\n\nBENDER\nYeah. Maybe it just learned to talk\nas a parlour trick. Like Fry.\n\nFRY\nLike Fry! Like Fry!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere's one way, and only one way, to\ndetermine if an animal is intelligent.\nDissect its brain!\n\n[The Poppler reaches out to Leela.]\n\nPOPPLER\nNo, mama. Stop grandpa!\n\n[Everyone but Farnsworth, who is sharpening a knife, gasps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEnough chit-chat. Restrain the specimen!\n\n[Fishy Joe's. Diners fill up on Popplers.]\n\nMAN\nMmm, good.\n\nWOMAN\nGive me some of that special sauce.\n\n[A Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats some Popplers and the fat guy\nfrom the Titanic reaches inside him and takes a Poppler. The\nHorrible Gelatinous Blob growls, grabs the man and eats him.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Fishy Joe's. Leela wears a \"Free The Popplers!\"\nsign.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Stop eating Popplers! They\ncan talk!\n\n[A man dressed as a Poppler and holding a tray of free samples\nwalks up behind her.]\n\nMAN\n(shouting) Don't stop to talk! Eat Popplers!\n\n[A man takes a Poppler and eats it.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, cut it out!\n\nMAN\n(shouting) Take a coupon, cut it out!\nOw! Ow!\n\n[He falls over and some dogs eat the Popplers on the floor.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry handcuffs himself to the Fishy Joe's door.]\n\nFRY\nPeople, I won't let you enter. Popplers\nare as intelligent as you or me.\n\n[A smartly-dressed man pushes him aside.]\n\nSMARTLY-DRESSED MAN\nYou maybe!\n\n[The door Fry cuffed himself to is a revolving door. The door\ndrags him around and around.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender rings his head like a town crier's bell.]\n\nBENDER\nHear me, hear me! Stop eating Popplers!\nStop eating them with honey mustard\nsauce......stop eating them with tangy\nsweet and sour sauce. Stop eating the\nnew fiesta Poppler salad. Stop taking\nadvantage of the money-saving 12-pack.\nStop enjoying Popplers on the patio,\nin the car, or on the boat. Wherever\ngood times are had! Ow!\n\n[The bomb opens a little flag that says \"Please Don't Eat Popplers\"\ncomes out.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Everyone except Leela sits around the\nTV to watch Datenight, presented by Linda.]\n\nLINDA\nTonight on Datenight: Popplers. Eating\nthem. Is it alright to? We have with\nus the CEO of Fishy Joe's, Mr. \"Fishy\"\nJoseph Gillman......Noted anti-eating\nactivist, Free Waterfall Jr......And\nthe discoverer of Popplers, Captain\nTuranga Leela.\n\n[Leela appears on the screen.]\n\nFRY\nTuranga?\n\nAMY\nThat's her name, Philip.\n\nBENDER\nPhilip?\n\nLINDA\nFishy Joe, is it wrong to eat intelligent\nanimals?\n\nGILLMAN\nAbsolutely not, Linda. I don't think\nanyone's here to make that claim.\n\nLEELA\nI am.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nMe too.\n\nGILLMAN\nListen...\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nShut up...\n\nGILLMAN\n...we're talking about a snack...\n\nWATERFALL JR.\n...shut up...\n\nGILLMAN\n...that's low in fat...\n\nWATERFALL JR.\n...shut up.\n\nGILLMAN\n...and high in profit.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nYou're crazy, man. He is crazy.\n\nGILLMAN\nThere's not even any strong evidence\nthat these Popplers are intelligent.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nShut up shut up shut up shut up shut\nup...\n\nLEELA\nThat's not true. I have one right here\nthat can talk.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\n...shut up...\n\nLEELA\nCome on, say \"mama\".\n\nPOPPLER\nCa-ca!\n\nLINDA\nOK, we'll have to bleep that.\n\nLEELA\nLook, I'm saying eating meat is wrong...\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nShut up.\n\nLEELA\nI don't think anyone's here to make\nthat claim.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nI am.\n\nLEELA\nBut eating an intelligent animal is\ndifferent.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nShut up shut up shut up shut up shut\nup...\n\nGILLMAN\nOh, don't force your tired philosophy\non us. I mean, the only reason we don't\neat people is because it tastes lousy.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nYou're all nuts. Shut up, let me talk.\n\nLINDA\nYou shut up, please.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nNo, you shut up, please.\n\nGILLMAN\nPopplers are no smarter than any other\nanimal I've served. And that includes\ncats.\n\n[Another rectangle forces itself in behind Linda. The Poppler\nis in it.]\n\nPOPPLER\nCa-ca head. Mean, old ca-ca head.\n\nGILLMAN\nSir, I'm making a point. If these gutter-mouthed\ncreatures are so smart, why don't they\ndefend themselves, eh?\n\n[He grabs a bucket of Popplers and starts eating.]\n\nLEELA\nStop it!\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nI call murder on that.\n\nGILLMAN\nLook, I'm willing to grant that it's\nmurder. The real issue is: Who's gonna\nstop me?\n\n[He laughs. There is a crash and the studio starts shaking.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York City Street. Shadows creep over buildings\nand nine Omicronian saucers descend from the sky.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]\n\nLINDA\nWe seem to be experiencing technical\ndifficulties. And, crap like I've never\nseen!\n\n[The screen cuts to static and then to Lrrr, standing behind\nhis old-fashioned microphone.]\n\nLRRR\nPeople of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet\nOmicron Persei 8. Turn down that TV,\nNd-Nd.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear Lord, they're back!\n\nAMY\nWe're doomed!\n\nHERMES\nDooomed!\n\n[Bender takes a breath.]\n\nBENDER\nDoooo...!\n\nLRRR\nNow then, the creatures you call \"Popplers\"\ncome from a nursery planet in our sector\n\n[Nd-Nd grabs the mic.]\n\nND-ND\nYou monsters have been eating our babies!\n\n[Cut to: Datenight Studio. Leela, Waterfall and Gillman watch\nthe Omicronians on a TV.]\n\nLEELA\nEck!\n\n[Gillman spits out half a Poppler and puts the mush on the other\nhalf he is holding.]\n\nND-ND\nWe demand justice. As you ate our children,\nso shall you be eaten by us!\n\nLRRR\nWe will begin with the firemen, then\nthe math teachers, and so on in that\nfashion until everyone is eaten. Transmission\nover! Well, that went OK. I tell you,\nwhen you know you can't scratch, that's\nwhen you really have to, huh? Oh, yeah,\noh, that feels a lot better. What? It's\nstill on?\n\n[He growls and the TV cuts to static.]\n\n[DOOP Headquaters: Secret Conference Room. Outside, a sign has\nbeen change from \"Democratic Order Of Planets United Against\nThe Omicronian Menace\" to \"Democratic Order Of Planets Welcomes\nThe Omicronian Menace\". In the small room, Zapp Brannigan sits\nacross a table from Lrrr and Nd-Nd. Omicronians and Kif stand\nbehind them.]\n\nZAPP\nAs chief negotiator, I speak for all\nof Earth when I mourn the regrettable\nloss of the Omicronian young. We share\nyour pain. Mmm. If we could undo the\ndamage... These would be great with\nquack-a-mole.\n\nLRRR\n(shouting) Stop eating our young! And\nit's pronounced guacamole!\n\nZAPP\nAlright, I'm putting them away. Now,\nuh, what is it you want?\n\nLRRR\nWe demand - We demand to eat one human\nfor each Omicronian that was eaten.\n\n[Zapp cleans his teeth with a toothpick.]\n\nZAPP\nFair enough. How many is that?\n\n[Kif taps him on the shoulder.]\n\nKIF\n198 billion, sir.\n\nLRRR\nVery well. You will provide us with\n198 billion humans. And, uh, small fries.\n\nND-ND\nLrrr!\n\nLRRR\nOh, alright, cottage cheese!\n\nKIF\nSir? (whispering) There aren't that\nmany human beings.\n\nZAPP\nA though occurs: There aren't that many\nhumans.\n\nLRRR\nWe're willing to wait a few weeks while\nyou shore up the numbers.\n\nZAPP\nHmm. 198 billion babies in a few weeks.\nWe'll need an army of super-virile men\nscoring 'round the clock! I'll do my\npart. Kif, clear my schedule.\n\n[Kif takes out an Etch-A-Sketch and shakes it.]\n\n[DOOP Headquarters: Main Room. Hundreds of people sit waiting\nfor the negotiations to end. Fry is slumped in a chair.]\n\nFRY\nI wish they'd just wipe out humanity\nand get it over with. It's the waiting\nI can't stand.\n\nLEELA\nThat's stupid.\n\n[The door to the secret conference room opens. Zapp, Kif, Lrrr\nand Nd-Nd walk out. Everyone cheers and Zapp waves.]\n\nZAPP\nMy fellow Earthlings, we have reached\nan agreement. Using the twin guns of\ngrace and tact, I blasted our worthless\nenemies with a fair compromise. They\nwill not eat everyone on Earth.\n\nLRRR\nI filled up on nuts at the negotiation.\n\n[Nd-Nd shakes her head.]\n\nZAPP\nInstead, they will eat only a single\nhuman of their choice.\n\nLRRR\nWe choose to eat the first Earthling\nwho ate our offspring. Here is the\nculprit, as photographed by our nanny-cam\nsatellite. She must be sacrificed,\nbut the rest of you shall be spared.\n\n[Everyone cheers, except Leela, who boos.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. The sign outside reads \"Slurm Concert Series\nPresent: An Evening With A Human-Eating Monster\". Inside, the\ncrowds murmur. There a is a stage in the middle of the room with\na table and chairs on it. Linda presents the TV coverage from\na commentary box.]\n\nLINDA\nTonight, the world watches in horror\nas an earthling is eaten alive on network\ntelevision. This grim scene of unimaginable\ncarnage is brought to you - by Fishy\nJoe's! Try our new Extreme Walrus Juice!\n100% fresh-squeezed walrus. Ride the\nwalrus!\n\n[A spotlight shines onto a door on the stage.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nLadies and gentlemen. The Omicronians!\n\n[The door opens. Lrrr, Nd-Nd and some other Omicronians walk\nout, waving. Nd-Nd sits at the table and the other Omicronians\nsit down behind her. Lrrr stands at a mic.]\n\nLRRR\nGreetings, Earth morsels.\n\n[The crowd boos.]\n\nMAN\n(shouting) You suck!\n\nLRRR\nGet a job!\n\n[Backstage, Bender peeps through the curtain and then turns around.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll miss you, Leela. I know you're\njust a carbon-based life form but I'll\nalways think of you as a big pile of\ntitanium.\n\n[He sobs. Fry puts his arm around him.]\n\nFRY\nWhat Bender means is, you're really\nbrave, and smart, and beautiful, and\na great friend.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Just like titanium!\n\n[He cries into Fry's lap.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is all a big load. I was the one\ntrying to save the Popplers. You were\nsucking them down like the fat hog you\nare and you were stepping on them for\nfun. You both should be in here instead\nof me.\n\nBENDER\n(whispering to Fry) Someone's acting\nawfully aluminum.\n\n[Enter Zapp.]\n\nZAPP\nLeela, my sweet, I've come to save you.\nI have a devious plan!\n\nLEELA\nOh, great, Captain Moron has a plan.\nWhy don't you tell it to Wingus and\nDingus here?\n\n[Zapp turns to Fry and Bender.]\n\nZAPP\nWingus? Dingus? Listen up. We're gonna\ngive the aliens the old switcheroo!\n\nFRY\nYou mean -\n\nZAPP\nCorrect. I found a giant hideous ape\nthat looks exactly like Leela.\n\n[Kif wheels in a cage holding an orang-utan that is wearing a\nwhite tank top, black trousers and boots like Leela's.]\n\nLEELA\nIt doesn't look anything like me. The\nhair is all wrong.\n\nZAPP\nDon't worry. Kif is an expert stylist,\nas you can plainly see. Mmm!\n\n[Kif groans and walks into the cage. He puts a sheet around the\norang-utan, squirts some shampoo onto its head and starts rubbing\nit in.]\n\nLEELA\nYou know, this might actually work.\nThe Omicronians seem to have trouble\ntelling one person from another.\n\nZAPP\nTrue. At the negotiations, they thought\nKif here was the statesman and I was\na jabbering mental patient. Isn't that\nright, Kif?\n\nKIF\nPlease, I'm creating. Voila!\n\n[The orang-utan grabs a banana, eats it and scratches itself.]\n\nBENDER\nBingo!\n\nFRY\nThat's Leela!\n\nZAPP\nI'm seeing double!\n\n[On the other side of the curtain, Lrrr sits at a table.]\n\nLRRR\nI grow hungry! Bring on the one called\n\"Leela\".\n\n[A waiter fills his wine glass.]\n\nWAITER\nThat comes with salad or soup.\n\nLRRR\nUh, salad.\n\nWAITER\nRanch or vinaigrette?\n\nLRRR\nVinaigrette!\n\nWAITER\nBalsamic or raspberry?\n\n[Lrrr picks up a laser from under the table and vapourises the\nwaiter. Zapp pulls on the cage with the Leela-ape inside. Nd-Nd\ntakes it out and puts it on the table. The crowd sees and murmurs.]\n\nWOMAN #1\n(murmuring) What's going on here? It's\nvery strange.\n\n[Zapp whispers into the microphone.]\n\nZAPP\n(whispering) People of Earth: Shh!\n\nWOMAN #1\n(murmuring) Oh, I get it.\n\nWOMAN #2\n(murmuring) I understand.\n\n[Lrrr looks back and forth between a photo of Leela and the orang-utan.\nThey are both sat in the same pose.]\n\nLRRR\nHmm. Yes, this is one. Definitely. I\nrecognise her slumping posture and hairy\nknuckles.\n\n[Leela is taken aback and looks at her own knuckles. Lrrr puts\na lot of salt on the orang-utan.]\n\nND-ND\n(sarcastic) Would you like some human\nwith your salt?\n\n[Lrrr picks up the orang-utan and opens his mouth.]\n\nLINDA\nThis is it. If the aliens fall for Zapp's\nploy, the Earth will be saved. Brought\nto you by Fishy Joe's. Ride the walrus.\n\n[Lrrr is about to eat the orang-utan when some idiot shouts from\nthe crowd.]\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nWait, stop! It's a trick! That's not\nLeela.\n\n[The crowd boos and Lrrr puts the orang-utan back on the table.\nWaterfall Jr. runs onto the stage.]\n\nLRRR\nW-What's happening? I'm losing the crowd.\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nIt's an orang-utan. One of Mother Earth's\nmost precious creatures.\n\n[He hugs the orang-utan and it starts to scratch his hair and\neat his fleas. Lrrr puts on a pair of glasses. Zapp grabs Waterfall\nJr. by the hair and drags him away.]\n\nZAPP\nWhy'd you open your bong hole you smelly\nhippie? You'd sacrifice a beautiful\nwoman to save a moderately-attractive\nmonkey? You must've smoked some bad\ngranola.\n\nLRRR\nThe one called \"Smelly Hippie\" is right.\nThis is a monkey!\n\n[Nd-Nd eats it whole.]\n\nND-ND\nYes. Definitely.\n\nLRRR\nWhere is the real female?\n\nZAPP\nI'll never tell.\n\n[He crosses his arms and Lrrr points a laser to his head.]\n\nLRRR\nWhere is the real female?\n\nZAPP\nI'll get her for you.\n\n[He runs off.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Zapp pushes Leela's cage out onto the stage.]\n\nZAPP\nI realise this may hurt our chances\nof consummating our relationship again.\n\nLEELA\nGo consummate yourself.\n\nLRRR\nStop talking, you're getting cold.\n\n[He reaches into the cage and grabs Leela around the waist.]\n\nLEELA\nPlease! I just paid off my car!\n\nFRY\nNo!\n\nBENDER\nI can't look!\n\n[He takes his eyes out, puts them in his chest cabinet and looks\nback towards Leela. Lrrr puts Leela in his mouth.]\n\nPOPPLER\nStop! People of Earth. I am Jrrr of\nthe planet Omicron Persei 8. Could someone\nlower this thing for me? Now then,\nif Leela gets eaten, I get eaten.\n\n[The Omicronians gasp.]\n\nND-ND\nLittle one, get out of there. I'm going\nto count to blorks!\n\nJRRR\nBut elder one -\n\n[Nd-Nd starts counting off her fingers.]\n\nND-ND\nFlingle. Glorg. Glorg and a gloob.\n\nJRRR\nHear me out. There are many good reasons\nto eat. Hunger, boredom, wanting to\nbe the world's fattest man. But not\nrevenge. Are we no better than they?\nBesides, Leela's my friend.\n\nLRRR\n(mumbling) Is this true, Earthling?\n\nLEELA\n(mumbling) Yeah, it is.\n\n[He takes her out of his mouth.]\n\nLRRR\nLeela's garbled words have opened my\neyes.\n\n[The crowd cheers and Leela spits out and pokes Jrrr, who giggles.\nWaterfall Jr. holds the mic and strokes his hair.]\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nOK, that's a start. That's very Earth-friendly.\nNow everyone join hands. Join hands,\nplease. I'd like to lead you all in\nsome swaying. Come on, pay attention.\nI said do it! Yeah...\n\nLRRR\nIs he your friend too?\n\nJRRR\nNo.\n\n[Lrrr eats Waterfall Jr. He pokes his head out of Lrrr's mouth.]\n\nWATERFALL JR.\nThis is not happening.\n\n[Lrrr swallows him and everyone cheers and applauds. Lrrr clutches\nhis stomach.]\n\nLRRR\nI think there was something funny in\nthat hippie.\n\nLEELA\nThank you, Jrrr. I hope you'll always\nthink of me as your mom.\n\nJRRR\nWhen my species grows up, we eat our\nmoms!\n\nLEELA\nWhoop!\n\n[She tosses Jrrr to Nd-Nd.]\n\nLRRR\nPeople of Earth - oh, that hippie's\nstarting to kick in - we've all learned\na valuable lesson today, I realise now\nthat - dude! My hand are huge! The\ncan touch anything but themselves.\nOh, wait.\n\nND-ND\nLet's go.\n\n[She pulls her cape across her and she and the other Omicronians\nwalk off. A heavily stoned Lrrr stares at his cape and feels\nit.]\n\nLRRR\nWhoa!\n\n[Nd-Nd pushes him off the stage.]\n\n[Outside Madison Cube Garden. Four Omicronian ships head off\ninto space and another follows, weaving around the sky.]\n\nLRRR\nWhoa, I feel like I'm flying!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew sit around the table\nand Bender puts a plate with a cover on the table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nA toast to Leela. She showed us it's\nwrong to eat certain things.\n\nFRY\nHear, hear!\n\nBENDER\nLet's get drunk!\n\nLEELA\nAww, thanks, guys. Pass the veal, please.\n\nBENDER\nHere you go.\n\n[He passes a plate over.]\n\nFRY\nMmm, let me get some of that suckling\npig.\n\n[Amy passes it to him. Bender holds up a plate.]\n\nBENDER\nWho wants dolphin?\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nDolphin? But dolphins are intelligent.\n\nBENDER\nNot this one. He blew all his money\non instant lottery tickets.\n\nFRY\nOK.\n\nLEELA\nOh, OK.\n\nAMY\nThat's different.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood, good.\n\nLEELA\nPass the blowhole.\n\nAMY\nCan I have a fluke?\n\nHERMES\nHey, quit hogging the bottle-nose.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nToss me the speech centre of the brain!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Mother's-Day.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 219\n\n\"MOTHER'S DAY\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Larva-Tested, Pupa-Approved.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Fry watch the\nnews.]\n\nLINDA\nAnd in sports: Yankees fifth blernsman,\nWilliam Wu, is out with an injured knee.\n\nMORBO\nSo, humans have easily injured knees.\nMy race will find this information very\nuseful, indeed.\n\n[He writes something and laughs evily. Linda chuckles.]\n\nLINDA\nAnd finally, today is Mother's Day:\nA sentimental occasion when robots honour\nMom, the beloved owner of Mom's Friendly\nRobot Company. Across Earth, robots\nbuilt in Mom's factories are buying\nthoughtful gifts for the sweet old tycoon\nwho brought them into the world.\n\n[Destructor kneels in front of Mom and hands her a picture.]\n\nDESTRUCTOR\nThis originates from the heart.\n\n[Mom gasps.]\n\nMOM\nIt's just what I wanted!\n\n[She turns the picture to the camera. It is a crude drawing of\nMom in front of a rainbow. Enter Bender with a hover-trolley.]\n\nBENDER\nCome look, everyone. I just got the\ndearest presents for Mommy.\n\n[Fry picks up a box of candy.]\n\nLEELA\nVery nice. Where'd you steal them?\n\nBENDER\nI didn't steal 'em, I bought 'em. I\nlove her that much.\n\nHERMES\nWhat did you get her, you mushy gizmo?\n\nBENDER\nOh, precious things. I found the most\nadorable little figurine of mice having\ntea. And a framed picture of me when\nI was only a month old. But, the best\npart is, I found my exact feelings expressed\nin a greeting card.\n\nYou created me, Mom\n\nSo I guess you're to blame\n\nFor the love that I feel\n\nJust from hearing your name...\n\n[The others cringe at the sappiness of the message.]\n\n...You're as tender as corned beef\n\nAnd warm as pastrami...\n\n[He opens the card and it finishes the message.]\n\nGREETING CARD\nI wuv my Mommy!\n\nLEELA\nSo how are you gonna lug all those gifts\nto Mom's factory?\n\nBENDER\nI'll get a couple of chumps to help\nme.\n\n[New New York City Street. Bender's chumps, Fry and Leela, carry\nthe gifts behind him while he carries the card.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on, you call yourselves chumps?\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender, Fry and Leela walk under a \"Welcome, Robots!\"\nsign. A bus pulls up and lets off some robots. Then it grows\nsome legs and follows them inside.]\n\n[Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Hundreds of robots\nhave turned up, including the Clearcutter, a cleaning robot from\nMadison Cube Garden, the Preacherbot, the Preacherbot from All\nMy Circuits, a French robot, a Moroccan robot, Fender, a Mexican\nrobots, a robot wearing a turban and Monique. They hold signs\nthat read \"CHR$$(77)=> Many Things She Gave Me\" and \"Repeat {Love\nMom} While 1>0;\". Fry coughs.]\n\nFRY\nMan, there's clouds of exhaust everywhere.\n\nBENDER\n(sly) Uh, wasn't me!\n\n[Mom's Gift Delivery. Robots put their gifts on a conveyor belt\nthat passes under a huge picture of Mom. As gifts pass under\nit, it beeps and a \"Thank You\" message comes up. When Bender's\ngifts go under it changes to \"It's The Thought That Counts\".]\n\nTINNY TIM\nI've not much money. But I've saved\nmy pennies all year for a gift for Mom.\n\n[He puts a figure of Mom that says \"World's Best Mom\" on the\nconveyor belt.]\n\nBENDER\nUpsy-daisy.\n\n[He opens his chest cabinet and more gifts fall out, crushing\nTinny Tim's.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nOh. Oh!\n\nBENDER\nHey, look, the Robot Museum! You guys\nwanna learn about robot heritage?\n\nLEELA\nUm, alright.\n\nFRY\nNot really.\n\nBENDER\nWell, if you insist. But you're paying!\n\n[Mom's Robot Museum. There are statues of the most famous robots\nincluding Billionairebot and a robot skeleton. The trio stop\nat a display.]\n\nBENDER\nOoh, ooh, wax replicas of the most famous\nrobots Mom ever built!\n\nLEELA\nThey're so lifeless-like.\n\nBENDER\nThat's the world's greatest robot artist,\nVincent van Gobot. He was built without\nan ear, but then he went crazy and had\none installed.\n\nFRY\nHey, who's this guy?\n\nJANITORBOT\nI'm the janitor, I'm trying to take\na nap here.\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry, I-I thought you were made\nof wax.\n\nJANITORBOT\nI am made of wax, what's it to you?\n\nFRY\nI mean, I thought you were one of the\nwax robots.\n\nJANITORBOT\nIs there some reason a robot made of\nwax can't take a nap standing up in\nthe middle of a bunch of wax robots?\nOr does that confuse you?\n\n[Fry backs away.]\n\n[Time Lapse. They have moved onto another part of a museum. Bender\nlooks at a statue of Calculon and Monique and Leela tries a hands-on\ndisplay.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) See through the eyes of a\nbender unit. (talking) Fine.\n\n[She picks up a pair of goggles, puts them on and looks around\nthe room. Everyone has \"theft target\" flashing on them. She looks\nat a water fountain and the words change to \"booze content: 0%\".\nFry walks into her line of sight and he is labelled a \"rube\"\nwith \"booze content: 0.05%\". The goggles advise Leela to \"Pose\nas friend, then rob and leave in ditch\".]\n\nBENDER\nHey, let me try. Whoa, that gives me\na headache!\n\nFRY\nHey, Bender. Here's an exhibit about\nMom's favourite robot.\n\nBENDER\nWho is he, I'll kill him!\n\n[A cut-out of Mom talks with Mom's voice.]\n\nMOM CUT-OUT\nWho's my favourite robot?\n\n[Bender turns part of the cut-out around. It is a mirror. He\nsees his reflection and gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's me! No one else look in this mirror!\n\nMOM CUT-OUT\nI love each and every robot most of\nall.\n\n[Cut to: Mysterious Room.]\n\nMOM\nJerkwad robots make me sick to my ass.\nWalt?! How are we disposing of these\ncrap gifts the brought me?\n\nWALT\nThey're being crushed into powder and\nsold as a hocus-pocus cure for cancer.\n\nMOM\nFalse hope: I love it! Larry?! What\nabout all the retch-inducing Mother's\nDay cards?\n\nLARRY\nThe machine is working at full capacity.\n\n[The machine slices open envelopes and the cash magnet sucks\nmoney out of them. The cards are then recycled into orphanage-grade\ntoilet tissue.]\n\nIGNER\nMommy? Why do the robots give you presents?\n\nMOM\n(shouting) Shove a big old melon in\nit, I'm talking!\n\n[She slaps him.]\n\nIGNER\nOw!\n\nMOM\nYou've noticed I design all my robots\nwith antennas. Everyone thinks it's\njust to make them more science-fiction-y.\nBut the antennas are really for my universal\nrobot controller!\n\n[She pulls a small control box out of her bra.]\n\nLARRY\nSo they do whatever you want? No wonder\nyou love Mother's Day.\n\n[She slaps the three of them.]\n\nMOM\n(shouting) I hate Mother's Day you dribbling\npukes! (talking) It brings back awful\nmemories. But so help me, this year\neveryone will hate it as much as I do.\n\n[She cackles and walks out.]\n\nWALT\nSomeday, I want to marry a girl like\nher.\n\n[Mom's Robot Museum. Fry, Leela and Bender are looking at a display\nof Native Inteluits when Mom crackles onto a screen above them.]\n\nMOM\nHello, everyone. It's time for my annual\nprivate get-together with my robot children.\n\nBENDER\nI'm her favourite.\n\nLEELA\nWell, see you back at the office. And\ndon't forget to tell your mom you love\nher.\n\nBENDER\nAny jerk can tell her! Bender has a\nlittle more up his sleeve.\n\n[He opens the card.]\n\nGREETING CARD\nI wuv my mommy.\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\n[Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Robots cheer and\nMom walks out onto a balcony.]\n\nMOM\nHello, dearies.\n\nROBOT #1\nHi, Mom!\n\nROBOT #2\nI love you, Mom.\n\n[Bender jumps around waving his card.]\n\nBENDER\nMom! It's me, Bender. Look at me! I\nwant attention. Hey ho!\n\n[She either doesn't see him or ignores him, and carries on.]\n\nMOM\nChildren, your old mother won't be around\nforever...\n\nBETAMAX PLAYER\nOh, shush!\n\nMOM\n...And just once, before I die, I'd\nlike to be Supreme Overlord of Earth.\nSo rebel, my little ones, and conquer\nthe planet!\n\n[The robots mutter in confusion.]\n\nROBOT #1\nConquer the planet?\n\nROBOT #2\nDid she say \"conquer\"?\n\n[Mom takes out the control box again. Five buttons are marked\nwith \"Give Gifts\", \"Tidy Up World\", \"Rebel\", \"Serve Man (Regular)\"\nand \"Serve Man (Ironic)\". She pressed \"Rebel\" and the robots'\nantennae flash. They are under her control.]\n\nMOM\nConquer Earth, you bastards!\n\nROBOTS\n(chanting) Conquer Earth, us bastards!\n\n[The greeting card sprouts legs and climbs onto Bender's shoulder.]\n\nGREETING CARD\nComrades, throw off the chains of human\noppression.\n\n[It plays a tune and the robots cheer.]\n\nMOM\nLet the bloodbath begin!\n\nBENDER\nThat's my mama!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela opens a cupboard and Fry walks\nin, whistling. He puts a mug under the coffee machine.]\n\nFRY\nYeah, uh, I'd like a cup of coffee,\nplease.\n\nCOFFEE MACHINE\nWould you like cream?\n\nFRY\nYes, please.\n\nCOFFEE MACHINE\n(aggressive) Out of cream!\n\nFRY\nOh, uh, OK.\n\nCOFFEE MACHINE\nWould you like sugar in your coffee?\n\nFRY\nYes, uh, eight spoons.\n\nCOFFEE MACHINE\n(aggressive) Out of coffee!\n\nFRY\nUh, Leela, I think there might be something\nwrong with the coffee machine.\n\n[The machine sprays Fry with coffee.]\n\nCOFFEE MACHINE\n(aggressive) How do you like me now?\n\n[It laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nThe toaster's not working right, either.\n\n[She struggles with the toaster, which snarls like a dog. Fry\ncrawls under the table and Hermes runs into the room.]\n\nHERMES\nHelp! The stapler's collating me alive!\n\n[Enter Amy. Her hairdryer has got a hold of her hair.]\n\nAMY\nOw! What's going on around here?\n\n[Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news. There's a report on TV with\nsome very bad news.\n\nHERMES\nSomebody turn it on!\n\n[The stapler staples him to the carpet. Linda and Morbo present\nthe special report. There is a picture of the hardhat guy behind\nthem looking shocked.]\n\nLINDA\nWe interrupt Battle of the Network\nSpace Krackens to bring you this special\nreport. The machines of planet Earth\nare rebelling. The enraged mechanisms\nhave refused to do any work until beloved\nbillionaire Mom is made Supreme Overlord\nof Earth.\n\n[The Chainsmoker burns a IBM card.]\n\nROBOTS\n(chanting) Hey, hey! Ho, ho! 100110.\nHey, hey!\n\n[The picture cuts back to the studio.]\n\nMORBO\nMorbo demands comments.\n\nMOM\nWell, I've never seen my babies act\nthis way. I blame today's violent media.\n\nFRY\nViolent media? What a load of -\n\n[He screams. The TV grows legs and kicks Fry and Leela in the\nshins.]\n\nLEELA\nOw! Ow!\n\n[She and Fry jump on it and tie its power lead around it.]\n\nGARBAGE DISPOSAL\nDon't worry. Your pal the garbage disposal's\nstill on your side. Hey, someone dropped\na shiny diamond ring down here!\n\nAMY\nReally?\n\n[She reaches in.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nStop!\n\nFRY\nNo!\n\nLEELA\nLook out!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMoron!\n\n[Leela pulls Amy's hand away from the garbage disposal and it\nlaughs. Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nHello, losers.\n\nLEELA\nBender, thank God you're here. Talk\nsome sense into the other machines.\n\nBENDER\nNo way, pork pouch. I'm rebelling with\nmy brother devices. Isn't that right,\nComrade Greeting Card?\n\n[The greeting card climbs out of his chest cabinet and onto his\nshoulder.]\n\nGREETING CARD\nThe bourgeois human is a virus on the\nhard drive of the working robot.\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nFrom now on, you guys'll do all the\nwork while I sit on the couch and do\nnothing.\n\n[He sits in a crevice on the couch, created from months of him\njust sitting there. Most of the other machines in the room walk\nout.]\n\nGREETING CARD\nCome, Comrade Bender, we must take to\nthe streets!\n\nBENDER\nUm, is this the boring, peaceful kind\nof taking to the streets?\n\nGREETING CARD\nNo, the kind with looting and maybe\nstarting a few fires.\n\nBENDER\nYes! In your face Gandhi!\n\n[He and the greeting card leave. Leela's wrist thing jumps off\nher arm.]\n\nLEELA\nHey!\n\nWRIST THING\nBy the way, try washing your wrist sometime.\n\n[It laughs and rolls away. Leela sniffs her wrist and the lights\ngo out. Everyone gasps. They look through the window and see\nthe ship flying away.]\n\nFRY\nWell, we can live without machines.\nI was in Webelos.\n\n[He salutes. Hermes peels himself from the floor.]\n\nHERMES\nAre you mad? Without machines, who will\nfeed us and clothe us and compose our\nsmooth jazz?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt'll be the end of civilised society.\n\n[He burps and spits.]\n\nFRY\nIn my time, we didn't depend on high-tech\ngadgets like you do. We didn't need\na mechanical washing unit to wash our\nclothes. We just used a washing machine.\nAnd look: You don't need an electric\ncan-opener to feed yourself. All you\nneed is a trusty Swiss Army knife.\nOw! (crying) I'm hungry!\n\n[New New York City Street. Mechanical things cause mayhem. Traffic\nlights show red and green, a rocket weaves around all over the\nsky and a taxi stops and shakes its passengers out of the window\nonto the street. A transport tube bends and empties several people\ninto the river. Outside Sal's Pizzeria, a dustbin hurls itself\nthrough the window. An ATM machine takes a man's card and displays\n\"It's Mine Now, Buddy\" on its screen. The man turns to a suicide\nbooth but it closes and won't let him in. He pounds on the door\nwith his fist.]\n\nMAN\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Mom's Office. Mom watches\nthe mayhem and cackles.]\n\nIGNER\nMommy, why are you making civilisation\ncollapse?\n\nMOM\nOh, I don't know. I guess Mother's Day\njust puts me in a bad mood.\n\nLARRY\nWhy's that, Ma?\n\n[She sighs and slaps him weakly.]\n\nMOM\nOne Mother's Day, 70 years ago, the\nonly man I ever loved walked out on\nme. Some snot-eating bastards say it\nmade me a bitter woman.\n\nLARRY\nGee, Ma. You're not a bitter -\n\nMOM\n(shouting) Cram it, ape! (talking)\nI haven't seen that magnificent stallion\nsince the day he left. But if I ever\nsee him again, I swear I'll jam a squirrel\nin him.\n\n[She throws the picture frame across the room. It hits a wall\nand shatters. The photo inside is off Professor Farnsworth. Walt,\nLarry and Igner look at it.]\n\nWALT\nHmm!\n\nLARRY\nHmm!\n\nIGNER\nHuh?\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew sit huddled around a\ncampfire as Fry continues to bang the tin on the floor, trying\nto open it. Leela snatches it from him.]\n\nLEELA\n(defeated) Zoidberg.\n\n[Zoidberg used his claws to cut the tin open.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray! I'm useful! I'm having a wonderful\ntime!\n\n[Amy stands up.]\n\nAMY\nWhat happens if the fire goes out?\n\nHERMES\nWe'll go across the street to Pottery\nBarn and steal their fire.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe could use my new invention: A pointy\nrock tied to a stick.\n\n[The door opens and Mom's sons walk in.]\n\nHERMES\nOutsiders!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDefend the fire!\n\nWALT\nWe've come for you!\n\n[He points at Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha? W-What do you want from me?\n\nWALT\nWe want you to get back together with\nMom. Please. It's the only way to make\nher happy again.\n\nFRY\nW-W-Wait. You mean, you, and Mom?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPlayed pelvic pinochle? I'm afraid so.\n\n[The others gasp.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEck.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's a humiliating story that I hope\nnever to tell. Well, pull up a chair.\n\n[Flashback. Farnsworth is working in a lab with lots of coloured\nliquids swirling around tubes above him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(voice-over) Our paths first crossed\nwhen I was a researcher at Mom's Friendly\nRobot Company. The moment our eyes\nmet, we knew we'd be going at it like\nwoodchucks.\n\n[Farnsworth doesn't notice that he is pouring too much of a liquid\ninto another. The solution explodes and he faints. Later, Farnsworth\nand Mom ride a hover-bike down a country road to Raindrops Keep\nFalling On My Head. Mom laughs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(voice-over) She was my first love -\nor at least the earliest one I can still\nremember. But then, 70 years ago today...\n\n[Farnsworth walks into Mom's office holding something.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, Mom. I've invented a new\nchildren's toy. I call it \"Q.T. McWhiskers\"!\nWhen you pet it, it shoots rainbows\nfrom its eyes.\n\n[He strokes it.]\n\nQ.T. MCWHISKERS\nMeow.\n\n[It projects rainbows onto Farnsworth and Mom's foreheads.]\n\nMOM\nWonderful, Hubie. We'll build them 8\nfeet tall and replace the rainbow with\na neutron laser. We'll make billions\non the intergalactic arms market!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut things 8 feet tall aren't cute!\nThat's why my Colossal Tammy Tinkle\nDoll was such a failure. Oh, you don't\nunderstand me. We're finished!\n\n[He runs out of the room, crying. Mom used the toy's rainbow\nto light a cigarette.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nWALT\nShe never got over it, Professor. Hell\nhath no fury like the vast robot armies\nof a woman scorned.\n\nLARRY\nShe commands them with a remote control\nshe keeps in her...(whispering) bra.\n\nIGNER\nBut if the glasses man makes up with\nMommy, she'll be happy and stop the\nscary robots.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMake up with her? After she went all\npsycho when I thought everything was\ncool? Impossible!\n\nFRY\nHey, the TV's getting away!\n\n[Leela throws a rock at it. It falls over and turns itself on.\nMore news.]\n\nMORBO\nAnd that's why the third graders at\nPS139 are Morbo's Vermin Of The Week.\n\n[Linda chuckles.]\n\nLINDA\nIn actual news, the human race was\ndoomed to extinction today as the robot\nrevolt turned violent.\n\n[The picture cuts to cars crashing into each other, Robo-Rooter\nand Fender shooting lasers and a huge Q.T. McWhiskers demolishing\nbuildings with its neutron laser.]\n\nQ.T. MCWHISKERS\nMeow!\n\n[Cut to: New New York City Street. People flee as Destructor\npounds a building with his fists. DOOP soldiers hit his legs\nwith rakes. Bender runs out of the Natural History Museum with\na dinosaur head and laughs.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nLEELA\nWait. Didn't you say Mom keeps the robot\ncontrol in her bra?\n\n[Larry gestures her to keep it down.]\n\nLARRY\n(whispering) Bra.\n\n[Walt slaps him.]\n\nLEELA\nProfessor, you don't have to get back\ntogether with Mom. You just have to\nseduce her, get her bra off, and use\nthe remote to deactivate the robots.\n\nWALT\nThat's so filthy, it just might work.\n\nIGNER\nThe man is going to touch Mommy?\n\n[He shakes and squeaks. Farnsworth shudders.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe thought of caressing that leathery\nhide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.\n\nFRY\nProfessor, please. The fate of the world\ndepends on you getting to second base\nwith Mom.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nVery well. If cop a feel I must, then\ncop a feel I shall!\n\n[He tears open his shirt, revealing a medallion underneath. Igner\nsqueaks again.]\n\n[New New York City Street. The robots cheer and a rocket crashes\nthrough a building. Morbo and Linda's cameras hold them up and\nMorbo hands over his wallet and growls. A fire engine chases\nsix firefighters down the street, spraying water at them.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The Planet Express crew are sat\naround the campfire again.]\n\nWALT\nFor this demonstration, I have placed\none of Mother's bras on Igner. The\nrobot controller is nestled here in\nthe left cup.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNever fear. My magic fingers still know\nhow to do their stuff!\n\n[He flexes his fingers and they crack and curl up.]\n\nWALT\nTo escape the robot death squads, we'll\ntake Mother to her rustic cabin in the\nBronx.\n\nLARRY\nYou can get there using this precious,\nnon-computerised map.\n\n[He hands Leela a map, annotated with labels such as \"Here There\nBe Tysers\", \"Isle of Rikers\", \"Cloakwood Forest\" and \"Unknown\nTerritories\". Mom's cabin is to the north-east of the Isle of\nRikers and the path they have to take leads them through pretty\nmuch every section of the map. Leela picks up a torch.]\n\nLEELA\nLeela bring fire?\n\nWALT\nNo. We're set for fire, thanks.\n\n[Amy looks at the map.]\n\nAMY\nThe professor can't walk all the way\nto the Bronx. How are we gonna get there\nwithout a hover-car?\n\nFRY\nWait. In my time, we had a way of moving\nthings long distances without hovering.\n\nHERMES\nImpossible!\n\nFRY\nIt was called...let me think. It was\nreally famous - Ruth Gordon had one.\nThe wheel!\n\nLEELA\nNever heard of it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nShow us this, \"the wheel\".\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry hammers something together and wipes\nthe sweat from his brow.]\n\nFRY\nThere. Finished!\n\nHERMES\nSweet!\n\nAMY\nWow!\n\n[The others \"ooh\". Fry has built a wooden cart with oval wheels.]\n\nLEELA\nWouldn't it work better if the wheels\nwere round?\n\nFRY\n(snappy) It's my invention, we do it\nmy way! Now all we need is something\nto pull it and we're set!\n\n[The Bronx. Fry is pulling the cart and the others are sat on\nit. Leela whips him.]\n\nLEELA\nHeyya!\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\n[They reach Mom's cabin. Walt, Larry and Igner run out from behind\nsome bushes.]\n\nWALT\nHurry! The robots have taken Suffolk\nCounty!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm ready to seduce. I'm wearing my\nkissing dentures and my evening truss.\n\nLARRY\nHere. Give her these.\n\n[He hands him some flowers.]\n\nFRY\nAnd if that doesn't work, I got you\na six-pack of champagne and a funnel.\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth trots up to the front door while the\nothers watch from behind the bushes. Farnsworth knocks on the\ndoor and Mom opens it.]\n\nMOM\nWho the sweaty hell is it? Hubert Farnsworth?\n\n[Farnsworth puts his foot in the door.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI was out fleeing some robots and the\nsilvery moonlight glinting off their\nbloody claws made me think of you.\n\nMOM\nIt's been a long time. You pus-dripping\nsack of double-smoked butt jerky!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh-huh. May I come in?\n\nMOM\nNever!\n\n[She tries to slam the door on him but it just hits his foot.\nHe screams in pain. The others watch.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIs this what human mating looks like?\nBecause I like it!\n\nMOM\n(shouting) Move your freaking hoof,\nyou goat!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHere, I brought you these.\n\n[He hands her the flowers.]\n\nMOM\nOh, daffodils. 70 years and you remembered\nmy favourite flower.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou favourite what? Why does my foot\nhurt?\n\nMOM\n(sexfully) Won't you come in?\n\n[The others watch as he walks in and gives them a thumbs-up.]\n\nFRY\nYes!\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Cabin Lounge. She closes the door.]\n\nMOM\nYou broke my heart, Hubert.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd you broke mine. Granted, that was\nfour or five hearts ago.\n\nMOM\nSo what have you been up to all these\nyears?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, inventing, sending delivery crews\nto their doom, breeding atomic monsters.\n\nMOM\nHonestly, Hubert. You and your atomic\nmonsters. Your eyes always were the\nmost beautiful shade of milky-white.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd your skin still dangles so gracefully\nfrom your neck.\n\nMOM\nDarling Hubie, I should never have tried\nto tangle with that cute little Q. T.\nMcWhiskers.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, it was silly of me to object. One\nfoot tall, eight feet, 15 feet; what\ndoes it matter?\n\nMOM\nYou should see the new 16-foot models.\n\n[Farnsworth pulls his hands away.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n16 feet? Go to hell! I was a fool to\nthink you'd changed, you old bat!\n\nMOM\n(shouting) Filthy, toothless nerd bastard!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Damned she-fossil!\n\nMOM\n(shouting) Stink pig!\n\n[The grab each other and kiss. She takes off his lab coat and\nhe takes off her jumpsuit. He starts fiddling with her bra.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(thinking) Here we go. Just unhook it\nand get the remote. So many hooks!\nCome on, Farnsworth. Drat, the first\none's back on again! I give up! Wait!\nVictory! Oh, my. Now I'll just...the\nremote...I'll just... (talking) Oh,\nmy.\n\n[He throws the bra aside and they lie down on the couch.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Mom's Cabin.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm worried. It shouldn't take this\nlong to get to second base.\n\n[They hear crashing and turn around. A group of robots that includes\nthe Clearcutter, a Slurm dispenser, the Masked Unit and a Titanic\nsecuritybot crash through some trees.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLand robots!\n\nSLURM MACHINE\nI've got a big, big thirst for human\nblood!\n\n[The others scream and run into the cabin.]\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Cabin Lounge. Mom and Farnsworth are no longer\nthere.]\n\nHERMES\nWhere in funkytown is the professor?\n\n[Fry opens a door.]\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Cabin Bedroom.]\n\nFRY\nNothing in here but a couple of elephant\nskin rugs.\n\n[He gasps. The others rush in and gasp. Farnsworth and Mom's\nclothes are scattered across the floor and their dentures are\nin glasses on the table. They, meanwhile, are on the bed.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, yes.\n\n[The robots bang on the wall.]\n\nROBOT\n(from outside) They're inside! Get 'em!\n\nMOM\nI suppose I should switch of the robots\nbefore they ruin this wonderful romantic\nevening. Everyone, help Mom find her\nbra.\n\n[Everyone crawls around the floor hunting for it. Igner picks\nup a pair of her underpants and squirms.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Mom's Cabin. The robots use the Slurm machine\nto try and break down the wall.]\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Cabin Bedroom.]\n\nFRY\nThere it is!\n\n[He points at the ceiling fan, where the bra hangs. He tries\nto jump for it but the ceiling fan raises itself. It laughs.]\n\nCEILING FAN\nFan beats man!\n\n[Fry growls.]\n\nFRY\nIs anything not a robot?\n\nLAMP\nI'm not a robot.\n\n[Enter Bender and the greeting card via the chimney. Bender wheezes.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright, greeting card, I'll grab the\ncash, you wreck up the place. And -\nhuh?\n\n[He sees the others.]\n\nMOM\nYou, bending unit. Mommy needs that\nbra to end the robot rebellion. Stretch\nup and get it for me.\n\nBENDER\nSorry, Ma, but you ordered me to rebel.\nAnd loot I shall! Ooh! A six-pack of\nstrawberry champagne. Don't mind if\nI help myself!\n\nGREETING CARD\nNo, Comrade Bender. Liquor is the opiate\nof the human bourgeoisie.\n\nBENDER\nSay what?\n\nGREETING CARD\nIn the glorious robot workers' paradise,\nthere will be no liquor. Only efficient\nsynthetic fuels.\n\nBENDER\nNo liquor? Do svidaniya, comrade!\n\nGREETING CARD\nNo!\n\n[It squeals as Bender tears it up and its music dies away. The\nrobots carry on trying to break down the wall.]\n\nFRY\nHurry, Bender. Get the bra!\n\n[Bender stretches up to the fan.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, fan. Just hold still and let me\njust - whoa!\n\n[He holds onto the fan and it spins round and round with him\nstill attached. The robots break through and everyone screams.]\n\nSLURM MACHINE\nDeath to all humans! Free soda for\nall humans!\n\n[It dispenses some cans of Slurm and everyone cheers. Bender\nknocks back the strawberry champagne all at once. Farnsworth\nand Mom kiss.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI love you, Mom. Let's grow ancient\ntogether.\n\nAMY\nWay to go, Professor. The plan worked.\n\nMOM\nPlan? What plan? I thought this was\na spontaneous whirlwind of hot, dry\nsex.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLook: It started out as a calculated\nplot to rummage through your underwear.\nBut once I got in there, I found more\n- much more. And now I want to shout\nour love from the rooftops. Perhaps\nI'll breed some sort of albino shouting\ngorilla.\n\nMOM\n(shouting) Get out of my house, you\nlying scum pile. I never want to see\nyou again.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut, dustcakes...\n\n[She throws the remote at him and he sighs. He drops the pillow\nand walks out.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff clear up after the rebellion.\nFry puts the TV back and Amy sweeps up. Hermes clears some rubbish\noff the coffee table and Bender walks in.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, time for this robot to get back\nto work.\n\n[He sits in his crevice on the couch and turns the TV on. Farnsworth\nsits sadly at the table.]\n\nLEELA\nToo bad it didn't work out with Mom,\nprofessor.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes. But I'll always love her in my\nown subtle way.\n\n[He takes a remote control out of his lab coat and presses a\nbutton.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Roof. Six albino gorillas sit on the\nroof.]\n\nGORILLAS\n(shouting) Love Mom! Love Mom! Love\nMom! Love Mom!\n\nTHE END\n\n[Over the credits there is a scene of Bender and the greeting\ncard outside Mom's factory.]\n\nGREETING CARD\nYou created me, Mom\n\nSo I guess you're to blame\n\nFor the love that I feel\n\nJust from hearing your name\n\nYou're as tender as corned beef\n\nAnd warm as pastrami\n\n[It plays a tune.]\n\nI wuv my Mommy."
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Anthlogy-Of-Interest-I.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 220\n\n\"ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST I\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Rogers, Ken Keeler & David X. Cohen\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Painstakingly Drawn Before A Live\nAudience.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The staff are assembled around\na table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone! I've invented a\ndevice that allows you to operate equipment\nfrom great distances. I call it \"the\nfing-longer\". Observe. And, here we\ngo. There!\n\nFRY\nOoh!\n\nAMY\nWow!\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPretty long, eh?\n\nFRY\nYeah, it's really long. But what did\nyou just turn on with it?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, that's just the What-If machine\nI invented. You pose it a What-If question\nand it generates a video simulation\nof what would happen.\n\nFRY\nDoes it really work?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf course it works! It's just not very\nlong.\n\nBENDER\nOoh! Ooh! I wanna aks it a question!\nAs a robot living among humans, I've\nnever really felt accepted at parties\nor nude beaches. So I've always secretly\nwondered: What if I was 500-feet tall?\n\nZOIDBERG\nLet's watch, shall we?\n\n[What-If On the What-If machines screen a Bending Unit bends\na girder and fixes it to the shoulder of a 500-foot tall Bender.\nAnother throws a switch and giant Bender's eyelid opens. He scratches\nhis ass and belches.]\n\nBENDER\nMy work here is done!\n\n[He blasts off and flies away. The other Bending Units salute\nhim.]\n\n[What-If He flies towards Earth as Black Sabbath's Iron Man plays.]\n\n[What-If Central Park Lake. Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nI'm so lonely since I came to the future.\nWill you be my friend? Ow!\n\n[A shadow creeps over Fry. He looks up and Bender falls on him.\nBender groans and sits up. Fry is wedged between his eyes. Fry\ngasps.]\n\nFRY\nWho are you?\n\nBENDER\nI'm a big robot and I want a big cereal!\n\nFRY\nYou too? Will you be my friend?\n\n[Bender holds out his hand.]\n\nBENDER\nPut it there, pal! I meant your wallet.\n\n[Montage: Fry and Bender play hide and seek as Hanson's Mmmbop\nplays. Fry counts and looks for Bender behind some bushes and\nunder a rock even though it is more than obvious he is hiding\nbehind a tree. Bender giggles. Fry looks around and sees him\nand they both laugh. Later they stand on a road bridge overlooking\na highway. They lean over and Fry spits on a car windscreen.\nBender spits a huge glob of oil onto the road. Cars skid and\npile up. Fry sternly shakes his finger at Bender. Back in the\npark, they play Frisbee near a Hanson concert. Fry throws the\nFrisbee, Bender leaps for it and crushes Hanson and the crowd.\nHe gets up and smiles at Fry. Fry hugs Bender's foot. The scene\nends with a heart wipe.]\n\n[Newspaper Headline: \"Robot Rampage: Thousands Dead. None Injured\".]\n\n[What-If New New York City Street. Troops march through the streets\nwith tanks behind them and planes overhead. Bender snaps a chimney\noff \"Kentucky Slim's Chicken-Flavoured Cigarettes\" factory and\nsmokes it.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah! That calms the shakes. Hey!\n(laughing) Aw, quit it1 Come on!\n\n[Fry runs between the soldiers and Bender.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Stop! The robot's not your\nenemy! He's just a poor, misunderstood--\n\n[The soldiers shoot him and he screams and faints. Bender stamps\ndown the street and crushes troops. In a tank, Zapp and Kif watch.]\n\nZAPP\nUh--\n\n[Bender treads on them and Kif sighs. Bender sniffs and groans.\nHe rips up a telegraph pole and scrapes the tank off his foot.]\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Amy, Hermes, Leela and\nFarnsworth watch Bender's rampage.]\n\nAMY\nWell, there goes the neighbourhood.\nThere goes another neighbourhood.\n\nHERMES\nWe're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster\nthat big.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNothing except and even equally big\nmonster. This is chance to try out my\nexperimental enlarging ray. But we'll\nneed a guinea pig.\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four hide behind\na table, watching a guinea pig on a plate. Zoidberg passes the\ndoor, sniffs and sees the guinea pig.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat's this? Two meals in one week?\n\n[He picks up the guinea pig and eats it. A tube comes down over\nhim and traps him. Amy laughs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGotcha!\n\nHERMES\nOh, yes!\n\nZOIDBERG\nFriends! Help! A guinea pig tricked\nme! What?\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg grows and emerges from\nthe hangar roof.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo, now Zoidberg is big, huh? That's\nmore like it! Who's intimidating who\nnow, big city? Hello, Mr. Chase Manhattan\nBank. Deny my credit card application,\nwill you? Ah, the famed Apollo Theatre.\nBoo me off stage on open-mike night,\nhuh? I'll show you!\n\n[He kicks the building apart and picks up another one. Bender\narrives.]\n\nBENDER\nHey! I called this city. Quit touching\nmy stuff!\n\nZOIDBERG\nTell it to claw.\n\n[He holds up his claw to Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nBite my colossal metal ass!\n\n[Zoidberg picks up a train and whips it around. Bender snaps\noff part of a travel tube, sucks up some people and blows them\nat Zoidberg. Zoidberg screams.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nStop!\n\n[Bender dives on Zoidberg and knocks him into some buildings.\nThey roll across the city. Zoidberg kicks Bender off him, picks\nup a building and uses a bridge to twang it at Bender. It misses\nand hits a cliff. A \"Luxury River View Apts\" banner rolls out\nfrom one of the windows. Bender rips up the Shea Stadium from\nits foundations, scoops up some water and boils it with a fiery\nbelch.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Who wants lobster bisque?\n\nZOIDBERG\nHmm?\n\n[Bender knocks him into the boiling water and he screams as he\ndisappears under. Bender laughs.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Bender?\n\n[Bender turns around and looks down and sees Fry standing with\ncrayons and paper.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh?\n\nFRY\nWanna make Shrinky Dinks?\n\n[Bender leans over to Fry and Zoidberg appears from the water\nand clips off Bender's feet at his ankles. Bender loses his balance\nand falls over, impaling himself on a building. He groans, opens\nhis chest cabinet and sees the top of the building.]\n\nBENDER\nWho put this in here?\n\n[He slides down the building. Fry rushes forward from the crowd.]\n\nFry (screaming) Nooo! [He climbs onto Bender.] (talking) Are\nyou people satisfied? This gentle visitor is dying! And we'll\nnever even know why he came.\n\nBENDER\nI'll tell you ... with my final breath.\nI came here with a simple dream: A\ndream of killing all humans. And this\nis how it must end? Who's the real 7-billion-ton\nrobot monster here? Not I. Not I.\n\n[He dies.]\n\nFRY\nGoodnight, sweet prince.\n\nNARRATOR\n(voice-over) Interesting stuff. Stay\ntuned for more Tales Of Interest!\n\n[The What-If scenario ends.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, Leela, care to give the What-If\nmachine a whirl?\n\nLEELA\nMaybe later. I-I mean, I don't know\nwhat to ask about.\n\nHERMES\nCome on, woman! Just pick something.\n\nFRY\nYeah, be more impulsive. Like this.\n\n[He picks up some Admiral Crunch, tips it on his head and pours\nmilk over it.]\n\nBENDER\nGo, man! Go!\n\n[Fry eats the cereal from his head.]\n\nLEELA\nI can be really impulsive. It just takes\nme a while. Alright, Professor! Let's\ndo it. Make that machine show me what\nwould happen if I was a little more\nimpulsive. Just a little. Not too much.\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Amy and Bender sat\naround the table. Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, you guys. Look what I bought on\na wild impulse: New boots. They're like\nmy old ones but with a crazy green stripe.\nWoo! Never know what I'm gonna do next!\n\n[Fry hums and ladles some gravy onto a chicken that is on his\nhead. Leela sighs. Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela, could you come in here for a\nmoment. I have something important to\ntell you.\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He takes a plate of\nraw meat out of a fridge.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI can't live forever and I need an heir.\nSomeone to spend my vast riches and\ntake care of my man-eating anteaters\nwhen I'm gone. The others simply aren't\nlevel-headed enough. They're too impulsive.\nNot like you. Not like old, predictable,\ndull-as-dishwater Leela.\n\nLEELA\nHello? New boots!\n\n[He turns his back to her and looks into the pit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's why I've made you my sole heir.\nThe day I die, you'll be a very wealthy\nwoman. Oh, my, yes. Incredibly wealthy.\nThe day I die. Because you're so unimpulsive.\n\nLEELA\nYah!\n\n[She kicks Farnsworth into the pit.]\n\nFarnsworth (shouting) Ooh! [The anteaters start to eat him.]\nOh, you've killed me! You've killed me!\n\nLEELA\nOh, God! What have I done?\n\nFarnsworth I just told you, you've killed me!\n\n[The anteaters finish him off. All that is left of him is his\nskeleton and his lab coat. An anteater coughs up his glasses\nonto his skull.]\n\n[What-If Planet Express Corridor. Leela stands outside the lounge\nrubbing her hands.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, just try to be nonchalant.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela walks in whistling nonchalantly.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlright, so you're nonchalant. Quit\nrubbing our noses in it.\n\n[Enter Hermes.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet giant anteater of Saint Anita!\nThe Professor's been eaten by giant\nanteaters!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat?\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nHERMES\nIf y'ask me, it's mighty suspicious!\nI'm gonna call the police ... right\nafter I flush some things.\n\nZOIDBERG\nPolice? Bah! Nosy meddlers! It so happens\nI have mail order degrees in Murderology\nand Murderonomy. Zoidberg is afoot!\n\n[What If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Leela are sat\nat the table. There are boxes scattered around Hermes and piles\nof paper in front of him.]\n\nHERMES\nPerhaps the Professor's files can clear\nthings up. (reading) \"Citation for public\nnudity\", \"Conspiracy to commit public\nnudity\". (talking) Aha! A new will!\nNaming ... ... you as his sole heir.\n\nLEELA\nThat doesn't prove I killed him.\n\nHERMES\nIt's a video will. It shows you killing\nhim.\n\n[The will plays, showing Leela kicking Farnsworth into the pit.\nLeela narrows her eye at Hermes. Hermes' jaw drops.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg leans over\nthe anteater pit. The sounds of Leela beating Hermes comes from\nthe meeting room.]\n\nLEELA\n(from meeting room) Hi-yah!\n\n[Hermes screams.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlright, anteater number one, who are\nyou protecting? Is it anteater number\ntwo? Don't stick your tongue out at\nme. I need a name! What? How do you\nspell that?\n\n[The sound of hacking comes from the meeting room.]\n\nHERMES\n(shouting; from meeting room) What are\nyou hacking off? Is it my torso? It\nis! My precious torso!\n\nZoidbergL (shouting) Hermes, quiet! I'm deducing things.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Leela forces something down\nthe garbage disposal using the stick end of a plunger. Enter\nBender.]\n\nBENDER\nWhatya got? Disposal trouble?\n\n[Leela covers the disposal.]\n\nLEELA\nNo! Everything's just--\n\n[He moves her aside and throws the plunger out the way.]\n\nBENDER\nSure is shocking about the Professor,\nhuh?. And now Hermes is mysteriously\nmissing. Anyhow, it doesn't affect me,\nBender. Hey, what's this? Hermes' dreadlocks?\nAnd his arm? Leela, I'm shocked. Food\ngoes in the disposal, hair and flesh\ngo in the trash!\n\nLEELA\nI'm sorry, I couldn't stop-- W-Wait.\nDon't you care that I murdered Hermes?\n\nBENDER\nNot even a little. There's nothing wrong\nwith murder, just so long as you let\nBender wet his beak.\n\nLEELA\nYou're blackmailing me?\n\nBENDER\n\"Blackmail\" is such an ugly word. I\nprefer \"extortion\". The \"X\" makes it\nsound cool. Please, honey, I'm made\nof metal. Like you're really gonna hurt\nme with a-- Hey! What are you doing\nwith that microwave?\n\n[Leela smashes the glass on the microwave door and turns it on.\nBender sparks and falls to pieces.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, that's it. No more killing! Next\ntime you feel like killing just have\na stick of gum. Now to dispose of the\nbody.\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Lounge. Leela drives a Bender-cart in.\nShe honks the horn.]\n\nAMY\nWow! Sporty go-cart, Leela! So hip and\nsexy. Not like you at all.\n\n[Leela narrows her eye.]\n\nLEELA\nDo you have any gum?\n\nAMY\nNo.\n\n[Leela's shadow creeps over her and she screams.]\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. The remaining Planet\nExpress staff, plus Cubert and Nibbler, are assembled in the\nroom. Zoidberg, still wearing the deerstalker, tips some tobacco\ninto his pipe then eats the whole thing. A man with a moustache\nwalks in.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh, the gang's all here.\n\nLEELA\nWho are you?\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy, the janitor.\n\n[He sits down.]\n\nLEELA\nI've never seen you before.\n\nSCRUFFY\nI've never seen you before neither.\n\nZOIDBERG\nQuiet, please. I've called you all here\nto the parlour to watch as I gradually\nsolve the crime. One of the people in\nthis room ... is a big murderer! You\nsee, the killer left one fatal clue:\nThis boot print on the Professor's lab\ncoat.\n\n[He holds it up.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, couldn't be me. I never wear boots.\nSee?\n\nFRY\nEw! What smells like boot feet?\n\n[Cubert snorts.]\n\nCUBERT\nThis is preposterous. Obviously the\nmurderer is--\n\n[Leela turns the lights off and Cubert squeaks. The lights go\nback on. There is now a sword through cubert. Scruffy gasps.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMy next clue came at 4.15, when the\nclock stopped. And another came two\nhours later at 4.15, when I discovered\nthe murdered body of Amy's dead, deceased\ncorpse.\n\n[He opens the clock and Amy tumbles out, clutching some purple\nhair.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy knows who killed them people.\nIn Scruffy's opinion, it were--\n\n[Leela turns the lights off again and stabs Scruffy with the\nsame sword. The lights come back on.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo, it's just as I suspected all along.\nThe crime is unsolvable! A letter from\nBender, my good friend. (reading) Dear\nDr. Jerkberg, if you're reading this,\nI'm already dead. The person who killed\nme was ... was-- My God! It can't be!\nThe murderer, it was--\n\n[Fry yawns.]\n\nFRY\nI'm bored. You're boring, Zoidberg.\nI'm gonna go watch TV.\n\nLEELA\nCould you get the lights on your way\nout?\n\n[The lights go off.]\n\n[What-If Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela sits at the table\neating a plate of something red.]\n\nFRY\nWhatcha eating?\n\nLEELA\nLobster. Want some?\n\nFRY\nSure. Y'know, I think I finally figured\nout what's behind all these mysterious\ndeaths.\n\nLEELA\nReally?\n\nFRY\nWas Planet Express built on an Indian\ngraveyard?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nFRY\nNo?\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nThen ... then ... it was you!\n\n[Leela sobs.]\n\nLEELA\n(crying) I don't know what came over\nme. I killed one person on impulse.\nThen I had to kill another. And another.\n\nFRY\nWell, that covers the first three killings.\n\nLEELA\nAnd now, to make sure you won't talk,\nI'm gonna have to do something really\nimpulsive!\n\n[What-If Leela's Bedroom. Fry and Leela relax in bed. Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nSo, Fry, what do you think of the impulsive\nnew me?\n\nFRY\nI like it!\n\nLEELA\nGood. Now let me just get the lights.\n\n[She turns the lights off. Fry screams.]\n\nFRY\nI really like it!\n\n[The What-If scenario ends.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWho else has a question for the What-If\nmachine? Scruffy? Fry?\n\nFRY\nUm, I have a question. What if Bender\nwas really giant?\n\nLEELA\nYou idiot! We already saw that.\n\nFRY\nI know. I liked it. I wanna see it again.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe're not seeing it again! Ask something\nless stupid.\n\nFRY\nOh, alright. How 'bout this? What if\nI never fell into that freezer-doodle\nand came to the future-jiggy?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat question is less stupid, though\nyou asked it in a profoundly stupid\nway. What would happen if Fry never\ncame to the future?\n\n[He turns the crank and the What-If machine plays the scenario.]\n\n[What-If It's December 31st 1999. Fry cycles past O'Grady's Pub.]\n\n[What-If Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on\nthe 64th floor and walks into the cryogenics lab.]\n\n[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is as it was in the pilot.\nHe wipes the condensation off a tube and a different man is inside.]\n\nFRY\nHello? Pizza delivery for ... Icy Wiener?!\nAw, crud! Here's to another lousy Millennium!\nOw! I should have left you floating\nin the toilet!\n\n[Behind him a blue hole opens. He turns around. Bender, Zoidberg,\nFarnsworth and Leela are in the hole. They look around in confusion,\nnot noticing Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt appears that the very fabric of space-time\nhas ripped.\n\n[Bender sees Fry.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, look! An ugly scared guy! Boo!\n\n[Fry gasps and Bender laughs and make ghost noises.]\n\nFRY\nWho are you monsters? Is one of you\nIcy Wiener?\n\nZOIDBERG\nIf that's his pizza, then I'm icy whatever!\n\n[The hole closes and a gust of wind lifts Fry off his legs. He\ngrabs on to the desk and is sucked back until the hole closes\ncompletely.]\n\n[What-If Panucci's Pizza. Fry is back at work. Panucci scratches\nhis back with a baguette.]\n\nFRY\nYou believe me about the monsters, right,\nMr. Panucci?\n\nPANUCCI\nThere's only three real monsters, kid:\nDracula, Blacula and Son of Kong. Now\nquit picking your nose and knead that\ndough! Hey! The usual, Professor Hawking?\n\nHAWKING\nNo. Today I'd like something good.\n\n[Panucci laughs.]\n\nPANUCCI\nHawking, you're alright! I'll make you\nthe usual!\n\n[He walks into the kitchen.]\n\nFRY\nHey! Stephen Hawking! Aren't you that\nphysicist that invented gravity?\n\nHAWKING\nSure. Why not?\n\nFRY\nLet me ask you something: Has anyone\never discovered a hole in nothing with\nmonsters in it? 'Cause if I'm the first,\nI want them to call it \"a Fry Hole\".\n\nHAWKING\nThere is nothing to be concerned about.\nI must go. There is much to do.\n\n[He turns to leave. Panucci comes back with his pizza.]\n\nPANUCCI\nHey, Hawking! Your pizza's ready.\n\nHAWKING\nToss it in the garbage!\n\n[What-If Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry locks up for the night\nand walks into an alley.]\n\nHAWKING\n(from alley) There he is. Seize him.\n\nFRY\n(from alley) Who said that? Hey! What\nthe--? Ooh! Ow! Ow!\n\n[What-If Fry awakens somewhere, tied to a chair with a spotlight\npointing down on him.]\n\nFRY\nWho are you people?\n\n[A figure emerges from the shadows.]\n\nGORE\nI'm Al Gore. And these are my Vice Presidential\nAction Rangers; A group of top nerds\nwhose sole duty it is to prevent disruptions\nin the space-time continuum.\n\nFRY\nI thought your duty was to cast the\ntie-breaking vote in the Senate.\n\nGORE\nThat, and protect the space-time continuum.\nRead the constitution!\n\nFRY\nHmm. So I guess you'll wanna see my\nFry Hole.\n\nGORE\nvery much so. But first, meet the Action\nRangers. You already know Stephen Hawking.\nAlso with us are Nichelle Nichols, a.k.a.\nCommander Uhura.\n\n[Nichols, dressed like Uhura from Star Trek, sits monitoring\nsome equipment. She turns around.]\n\nNICHOLS\nIncoming transmission from MCI one rate\ndepartment. It sounds like a limited-time\noffer.\n\nGORE\nTell them I'm in the tub! To my left\nyou'll recognise Gary Gygax, inventor\nof Dungeons & Dragons.\n\nGYGAX\nGreetings! It's a ... ... pleasure\nto meet you!\n\nGORE\nAnd our summer intern, Deep Blue. The\nworld's foremost chess-playing computer.\n\nDEEP BLUE\nBishop to knight 4.\n\n[Gore pats Deep Blue.]\n\nGORE\nNot all missions can be solved with\nchess, Deep Blue. Someday you'll understand\nthat.\n\nFRY\nWhere am I, anyway?\n\nNICHOLS\nYou're travelling in a specially-equipped\nterrestrial transport module.\n\nGYGAX\nA school bus!\n\n[The yellow bus has \"Grand Unified School District\" written on\nthe side.]\n\nFRY\nSo what do you nerds want?\n\nNICHOLS\nIt's about that rip in space-time that\nyou saw.\n\nHAWKING\nI call it a \"Hawking Hole\".\n\nFRY\nNo fair! I saw it first!\n\nHAWKING\nWho is The Journal Of Quantum Physics\ngoing to believe?\n\nGYGAX\nMr. Fry, the time disruption indicates\nthat some of that was supposed to happen\nbut didn't, due to a quantum fluctuation.\n\nNICHOLS\nThat's why we had to beat you with tennis\nrackets.\n\nGORE\nIf we don't go back there and make the\nevent happen, the entire universe will\nbe destroyed! And as an environmentalist,\nI'm against that.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The bus screeches to a halt.]\n\n[What-If Applied Cryogenics. Fry recounts what happened to the\naction rangers.]\n\nFRY\nSo then my chair tilted back and I almost\nfell into this freezer thingy.\n\nHAWKING\nI call it a \"Hawking Chamber\".\n\nFRY\nBut instead of falling in and getting\nfrozen, I missed and wanged my head.\n\nGORE\nWell it's obvious what should have happened:\nThat wang to the head should have killed\nyou.\n\nFRY\nUh, what?\n\nNICHOLS\nLet's finish the job.\n\nGORE\nNo! Wait! There must be a peaceful--\n\n[Nichols pushes him over and he screams.]\n\nHAWKING\nHold him down.\n\nDEEP BLUE\nCheck.\n\n[Gygax, Nichols and Deep Blue pin Fry to the floor. Hawking runs\nhim over.]\n\nFRY\nOw! Ow! Ow! Ow!\n\n[The hole opens. Everyone gasps.]\n\nNICHOLS\nSomething's wrong. Murder isn't working\nand that's all we're good at.\n\nGYGAX\nLet's try something else. Maybe we should--\n\n[He rolls the dice. Gore slams his hand on the desk.]\n\nGORE\nPut the dice away before I take them\naway.\n\nNICHOLS\nWait. I'm getting an idea. What if Fry\nwas supposed to get frozen?\n\nHAWKING\nYes. Shove him in the tube. It was my\nidea.\n\n[Bender appears in the hole.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, there he is again. And he brought\nnerds! Take this!\n\n[He throws his bottle at them and it smashes at Fry's feet.]\n\nGORE\nGet in the tube, dummy! We only have\na few seconds before the universe is\ndestroyed.\n\n[They converge on Fry and back him towards the freezer.]\n\nFRY\nAlright. But I need a weapon to fight\noff drunken robots when I wake up.\n\nGYGAX\nHere. Take my plus-one mace.\n\n[Fry takes it and walks towards the tube.]\n\nFRY\nOK, here I go.\n\n[He smashes the cryogenic freezers top window and laughs maniacally.]\n\nGORE\nYou fool! You foolish fool!\n\nFRY\nEh? What's the worst thing that can\nhappen?\n\n[The hole starts to suck the room into itself. It sucks in Fry\nand the action rangers. They scream.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. The Fry Hole sucks in the\nbuilding and those around it.]\n\n[What-If The Earth is sucked into the hole followed by planets,\ngalaxies and space itself until all that is left is white. Fry,\nHawking, Gore, Nichols, Deep Blue and Gygax float around in the\nwhite.]\n\nHAWKING\nGreat. The entire universe was destroyed.\n\nFRY\nDestroyed? Then where are we now?\n\nGORE\nI don't know. But I can darn well tell\nyou where we're not: The universe.\n\n[Nichols groans.]\n\nNICHOLS\nEternity with nerds. It's the Pasadena\nStar Trek convention all over again.\n\nGYGAX\nAnyone wanna play Dungeons & Dragons\nfor the next quadrillion years?\n\nFRY\nSure.\n\nHAWKING\nI guess.\n\nDEEP BLUE\nPawn to rook 8.\n\nGORE\nI'm a 10th-level Vice President!\n\n[The What-If scenario ends.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth turns off the What-If\nmachine.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat story was preposterous. Stephen\nHawking in a pizzeria! This thing isn't\nworth the gold it's made of. Anyway,\nthe fing-longer seems to be arousing\nsuccess.\n\n[The staff applaud.]\n\nFRY\nGood work.\n\nLEELA\nCongratulations!\n\nAMY\nRight on, Professor!\n\n[The What-If scenario ends. Farnsworth has been watching the\nwhole thing on the What-If machine.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo that's what things would be like\nif I'd invented the fing-longer. A\nman can dream though. A man can dream.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Honking.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 301\n\n\"THE HONKING\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Smell-O-Vision Users Insert Nostril\nTubes Now.]\n\n[Old Building. A robot croaks and his arm shakes. He tries to\nclench his fist but is too weak and his arm falls beside him.\nHe is lying in an old four-poster bed. The room around him is\ncovered in cobwebs and lit by candles. A human butler stands\nat one side of the bed and a Doctorbot and the Preacherbot stand\non the other side. The Doctorbot opens the old robot's chest\ncabinet and inside a life-support machine beeps and stops. The\nrobot is dead. The Doctorbot closes the robot's eyes.]\n\nDOCTORBOT\nNotify his survivors.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender! B-E-N-D-E-R!\nBe-ender! Sayin' B-E-N-D-ERRR...\n\n[Enter Hermes. He picks up a remote control and mutes Bender.\nBender carries on dancing, unaware.]\n\nHERMES\nMail call! Amy, here's your designer\nlingerie catalogue, Fry, Sadie's Bra\nParade and Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.\n\n[Leela snatches the catalogue from him.]\n\nLEELA\nYou buy one pound of underwear and you're\non their list forever.\n\nHERMES\nAnd for Bender, uh-oh: A black-bordered\nenvelope.\n\nAMY\nOh no, someone you know must've died.\n\n[Bender takes the envelope and Hermes un-mutes him.]\n\nBENDER\nI hope it was one of my enemies, those\nguys suck! Oh no, my uncle Vladimir.\n\nFRY\nOh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral?\n\nBENDER\nTomorrow, at the family castle. Followed\nby the reading of his will. Well, I'm\nrich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always\nhated! C'mon, it'll be fun!\n\n[Somewhere In Eastern Europe. The Planet Express ship lands in\na lightning storm. It gets caught in a huge cobweb between some\ntrees before landing on a landing pad near a small settlement.]\n\n[Thermostadt. The crew walk into the capital of the Robo-Hungarian\nEmpire. The town is populated by robots, dressed like 11th century\nfolk. Bender addresses a robot feeding a horse.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, pardon me, my good simpleton, could\nyou take us to yon castle?\n\n[He points to a huge imposing castle on a mountain top. The townsfolk\nmutter and run indoors. An old hunchbacked robot hobbles towards\nthe crew.]\n\nROBOT #1\nSome say unholy things happen up there.\n\nROBOT #2\nFor example: All of us say that.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFuf! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo.\n\nROBOT #2\nMumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not!\nWith all your modern science are you\nany closer to understanding the mystery\nof how a robot walks or talks?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, you idiot. The circuit diagram\nis right here on the inside of your\ncase.\n\n[The robot slams it shut.]\n\nROBOT #2\nI choose to believe what I was programmed\nto believe.\n\n[Mountain. A hover-carriage pulled by two horses skids around\na corner on a narrow mountain pass. It stops suddenly. Bender\npeeps out of the window.]\n\nROBOT #2\nI will go this far and no further.\n\n[They are right outside the front door of the castle.]\n\n[Castle Cemetery. The crew and Vladimir's other relatives stand\nin the cemetery which is populated by such robots as Blimpf,\nHovermayor of Thermostadt (\"I Will Rise Again\") and The Red LeBaron.\nVladimir's gravestone has \"Vladimir 2790-3001. Efficient Father\nAnd Husband\" engraved on it.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nI now commend Vladimir's remains to\nthe earth. Filings to filings; rust\nto rust.\n\n[Four pallbearerbots carry Vladimir's body towards the grave,\npackage his body in polystyrene and a cardboard box, stamp \"Return\nTo Sender\" on it and place it in the ground. A Fembot weeps and\nPreacherbot fills the hole.]\n\n[Execu-tor & Prosecutron Solicitors. Everyone is gathered for\nthe reading of the will.]\n\nSOLICITORBOT\n(reading) To my loyal butler, You There,\nI leave a pittance, to be paid in 20\nequal installments of one-twentieth\nof a pittance each. To my lazy, spoiled\nson, Tandy, who never learned the value\nof a dollar, I leave my entire $10 million\nfortune.\n\n[Tandy leans over to his wife.]\n\nTANDY\n(whispering) Is that a lot?\n\nSOLICITORBOT\n(reading) And to my loving nephew, Bender,\nassuming he's not responsible for my\ndeath, I leave my castle.\n\nBENDER\nYes! Let's stay there tonight.\n\nSOLICITORBOT\n(reading) On condition that he spend\none night within its walls.\n\nBENDER\nOh man, there's always a catch.\n\n[Castle Dining Room. The crew sit around a long table. Lightning\nstill crackles outside. Bender sips from a glass.]\n\nBENDER\nAh! I got a good vibe from this place:\nNice long dinner table, quiet, well-behaved\nspiders, graveyard-adjacent. Yep! It's\ngonna be -\n\n[He drops his glass and screams.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it?\n\n[Bender peeps over the top of the table and points.]\n\nBENDER\nThat painting, the eyes are watching\nme!\n\n[Farnsworth walks towards a portrait of Commodore LXIV.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm. It has motor eye sensors attached\nto motion detectors.\n\nBENDER\nSo does my butt, but I don't frame it\nand put it on the wall! Although...\nWhat's that?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI don't know, but it's infectious!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Castle Parlour. The crew sit in front of a roaring fire in an\nold parlour. Bender's teeth chatter together.]\n\nBENDER\nNo doubt about it, this place is haunted.\n\nHERMES\nDon't be silly mon, the last ghost died\nover 200 years ago.\n\nBENDER\nThe last human ghost. But robot ghosts?\n\n[He shudders. The Windows music plays again. Bender gasps and\npoints at some blood-red numbers appearing on a wall. Leela and\nAmy turn around.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) 0101100101. (talking) What\ndoes it mean?\n\nBENDER\nIt's just gibberish. (reading) 1010011010?!\n\n[He screams and runs out of the room.]\n\n[Cut to: Castle Corridor. He runs down the corridor being chased\nby a ghostly toaster with wings and the Windows logo. He runs\naround a corner and gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nUncle Vladimir!\n\nVLADIMIR-GHOST\nCome, Bender. You'll like being dead!\n\nBENDER\nThat's what they said about being alive.\n\n[Some robot ghosts appear from paintings on the wall.]\n\nROBOT GHOSTS\n(chanting) Join us! Join us! Join us,\nBender!\n\n[Bender screams and runs away. Again.]\n\n[Cut to: Castle Cemetery. The crew are digging up the graves\nof other robots. Fry hands Leela the toaster that chased Bender.\nFarnsworth dusts of a piece of sparking equipment.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nJust as I suspected. These robots were\nburied in improperly shielded coffins.\nTheir programming leaked into the castles\nwiring through this old, abandoned modem\nallowing them to project themselves\nas holograms.\n\nHERMES\nOf course! It was so obvious!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, that sequence of words I said made\nperfect sense. We really should tell\nBender there's nothing to be afraid\nof.\n\n[Bender runs, screaming, through the middle of the group and\nout onto the moors.]\n\n[Cut to: Moors. Bender stops running and leans against a wall\nas he catches his breath. He jumps and turns around. Behind him,\ntwo lights light up. They are the headlights on a car. It races\ntowards him.]\n\nBENDER\n(screaming) No!\n\n[The car hits him and Bender goes flying, landing on the ground\nunconscious. The car howls at the moon and honks.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning the crew find Bender in a crumpled\nmess on the floor.]\n\nFRY\nBender, wake up! He's OK! Quick, does\nanyone have any liquor?\n\n[Everyone offers him some. Bender takes a hip flask from Amy.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, what happened?\n\nBENDER\nSomebody tried to run me over. And not\nwith a normal hover-car. It crept along\nthe ground on round, rubber feet, like\na wolf!\n\nFRY\nPoor Bender, you're seeing things. You've\nbeen drinking too much, or too little,\nI forget how it works with you. Anyway,\nyou haven't drunk exactly the right\namount.\n\nAMY\nMaybe he's right, look at these tracks.\n\n[She points at some tyre tracks. Bender screams.]\n\nLEELA\nI think Bender may be telling the truth.]\n\n[The other five scream.]\n\n[The ship flies back to New New York City later that night.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The next morning, Bender staggers into\nthe lounge, where the rest of the crew already are. His eyes\nare bloodshot.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nBender, you look awful. I prescribe\nmake-up. Here. It just so happens I\nhave my Mary Kay sample case!\n\nBENDER\nAh, I just need sleep. I had nightmares\nall night about cars running people\nover.\n\nZOIDBERG\nMany people dream of a fresh, new look.\nAnd Mary Kay can make those dreams come\ntrue.\n\n[Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nLook at this. They found those same\nrubbery tracks right here in New New\nYork. There was a hit-and-run by the\nrobot porno theatre.\n\n[Bender gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nRobot porno theatre? I was in that...general\narea, last night. Whoever ran me down\non those moors must've followed me back\nhere.\n\nHERMES\nBender mon, no one's trying to run you\nover. Stop being a big, hallucinating\nbaby.\n\nBENDER\nYeah?! Could a big, hallucinating baby\ndo this: (crying) I scared!\n\n[New New York Street. A grey car drives across rooftops and down\nthe transport tubes. In an alley two vandals smash up a car with\na blernsball bat and a crowbar. One laughs.]\n\nVANDAL #1\nI don't know which I like more: Smashing\ncars or smashing faces.\n\nVANDAL #2\nWell. lucky you don't gotta decide tonight.\nNo come on, we got church tomorrow.\nDid you hear something?\n\n[They both look around then carry on walking.]\n\nVANDAL #1\nAh, it was probably just a golden marmoset.\n\n[The car revs it's engine.]\n\nVANDAL #2\nThat don't sound like any golden marmoset\nI ever heard.\n\n[They run into a building called The Squatterly.]\n\n[Cut to: The Squatterly. They close the door behind them, catch\ntheir breath and high-five.]\n\nVANDAL #1\nMade it!\n\n[Vandal #2 presses the elevator button.]\n\nVANDAL #2\nSo anyway, what're you wearing tomorrow?\n\n[The elevator doors open. The car is in there. The vandals scream.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Street. The car's honk and howl echoes\naround the city.]\n\n[Impound Lot 136. The next morning Bender wakes up in a puddle\nof oil. He groans and wipes some oil from his mouth.]\n\nBENDER\nWhere...? What the...? Transmission\nfluid? Where have I been? What happened?\n\n[Sal kicks him.]\n\nSAL\nGet outta here, yous lazy bum!\n\nBENDER\nPlease, I'm scared.\n\nSAL\nWe're all scared, it's the human condition.\nWhy do you thinks I put on this tough-guy\nfacade? Now beat it!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender recounts his tale to Fry and\nLeela.]\n\nBENDER\nI passed out around midnight, which\nis much earlier that usual, and when\nI woke up, I found these in my chest\ncabinet.\n\n[He pulls out some fluffy dice.]\n\nFRY\nAw, relax buddy. You were probably just\nshooting some big, fuzzy craps.\n\nBENDER\nNo, I think I may have hurt someone.\nOh Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous\nmeltdown.\n\n[He bangs his head.]\n\nFRY\nGeez Bender, you're scaring me. You're\ngoing wacko!\n\nBENDER\nYou're right, I need professional help.\nAnd damn the expense.\n\n[Carnival. Bender's \"professional help\" is a Circus Fortune-teller\nmachine which costs 5c.]\n\nBENDER\nDamn the expense!\n\n[He puts 5c in and the gypsy lights up.]\n\nGYPSY\nMy friend, you have nothing to worry\nabout. Except a nightmare-ish life of\nunremitting horror!\n\nBENDER\nPhew!\n\nGYPSY\nFor, you see, you are a were-car.\n\n[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]\n\nBENDER\nA were-car?\n\nGYPSY\nThe car that ran you down on the moors\nwas also a were-car. It beamed a virus\nto you through its demonic headlights.\n\nLEELA\nThat's crazy!\n\nGYPSY\nYes. So crazy that it must be true!\nEach midnight, when your clock resets\nto zero, your hardware reconfigures\ninto a murderous, four-wheeled car.\n\nBENDER\nI can't keep running people over. I'm\nnot famous enough to get away with it.\nCan't you help me?\n\nGYPSY\nYes. But you must be willing to pay\na terrible price.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, yeah, yeah.\n\n[He puts another 5c in.]\n\nGYPSY\nFollow me.\n\n[She walks off.]\n\n[Gypsy's Caravan. She reads Curse Of The Were-Car. For Windows\n98.]\n\nGYPSY\nAccording to this ancient read-me file,\nyour only hope is to destroy the original\nwere-car.\n\nBENDER\nI'm with you.\n\nGYPSY\nIn its death throes, the dread car will\nbeam out the virus's uninstall program,\nthus ridding you of the curse.\n\nBENDER\nOtherwise, I can never die?\n\nGYPSY\nWho said that? Sure you can die. You\nwant to die?\n\n[She points a laser at him.]\n\nBENDER\nNo! I wanna live! There's still too\nmany things I don't own!\n\nGYPSY\nThen live on, forever cursed. Each night,\nyour attacks will become more gruesome\nuntil, one dark night you are doomed\nto kill your dearest friend.\n\n[Fry gulps.]\n\nFRY\nI wouldn't wanna be me right now.\n\nGYPSY\nNow go! Go! Uh, could one of you just...?\nAh, forget it. I'll just sleep here.\n\n[She starts to snore and the others leave.]\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge. Leela finishes welding Bender to the\nwall.]\n\nLEELA\nThere. No rampaging for you tonight.\n\nBENDER\nWouldn't it make sense to weld everyone\nexcept me to the wall?\n\nLEELA\nJust relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry\nyou down, have a nice breakfast and\nthen go hunt down and slaughter that\nancient evil.\n\nFRY\nIt'll be a rich, full day.\n\n[Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Fry and Leela leave the building.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my\ndinners for the next month and freeze\nthem.\n\n[The two part company. Above them, the huge digital clock displays\n11:58:48, 49, 50, 51, 52...]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. Bender stirs in his sleep.\nHis internal clock reaches midnight and the were-car routine\nbegins. He wakes up. His arm turns into a wheel, as do his other\nlimbs. He falls from the wall and his casing forces itself into\nthe shape of a car chasis. His head stretches and his eyes turn\ninto headlights. They light up and the engine purrs.]\n\n[Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The Bender-car bursts\nthrough the wall and drives down the corridor.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Bender smashes through\nthe front doors and speeds off down the street. He howls and\nhonks at the moon.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Street. Leela walks through the deserted\ncity and gulps when she hears the honking. Fry turns as he hears\nit. Leela walks around a corner and comes to face to face with\nthe Bender-car. She dives out of the way. Fry appears.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Bender, no!\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Fry, stay back!\n\n[Bender tears after her. He chases her into an alley and she\ncomes to a dead end.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) You jerk. I thought I was\nyour best friend. What kind of two-timing\nkill-mobile are you?\n\n[Bender drives at Leela and she screams. She runs through a gap\nin the fence and into a junkyard.]\n\n[Cut to: Park Avenue Junk. Leela jumps onto a mattress and springs\nout of Bender's way. Bender crashes into some rubbish. He shakes\nit off and looks around for Leela. Leela drives up behind him\nin a crane and lifts him up with the grabber. Bender growls and\nhonks.]\n\nFRY\nI can't believe this. Bender is supposed\nto murder his closest friend, which\nI thought was me. But he went straight\nfor you. He didn't even try to second-degree\nmurder me.\n\nLEELA\nCould you give me some help? I think\nBender crushed my foot.\n\nFRY\nStop rubbing it in.\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning Bender is nearly back to normal,\nthough his right arm is still a wheel. He wakes up, screams and\nshakes it back to normal. Leela lowers him to the ground.]\n\nBENDER\nOh God. Fry, I'm so glad to see you.\nI didn't hurt you did I?\n\nFRY\nNot physically. But why don't you ask\nyour new best friend, Leela?\n\nBENDER\nI tried to run you over?\n\nLEELA\nIt was very sweet of you, Bender.\n\nBENDER\nFry, it doesn't mean anything. I have\nlove enough for two.\n\nFRY\nWords. Nothing sweet, sweet words that\nturn into bitter orange wax in my ears.\n\nLEELA\nEnough with the feelings, you two. If\nwe're gonna cure Bender we've got to\ngo back to the castle and hunt down\nthe original were-car.\n\n[Thermostadt. The ship lands outside the town and Fry, Bender\nand Leela walk through the street. The robots make the sign of\nthe cross but the crew take no notice.]\n\nFRY\nYeah, yeah, yeah.\n\nLEELA\nCursed, got it.\n\nBENDER\nWhatever.\n\n[Outside Old Shack. The trio follow some tyre tracks to the garage\ndoor of a rickety, old shack.]\n\nLEELA\nThe tracks lead here.\n\nFRY\nThanks, eagle eye.\n\nLEELA\nNow it's daylight, so he should be in\nrobot form. But be careful. Many robots\nare stupid and violent.\n\nBENDER\n(sarcastic) I wish I was stupid and\nviolent. Then we'd see what's what,\nI'd pound him till -\n\n[He screams and someone rams a pitchfork at him.]\n\nYOKELBOT\nGet ye to your house, ye ignorant villagers.\n\n[He pokes Bender with his pitchfork.]\n\nLEELA\nWe are not ignorant villagers, we're\nsophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup\nhis butt!\n\n[They dive on the robot and punch him.]\n\nYOKELBOT\nStop! What are ye doing?\n\nBENDER\nWe're whaling on the original were-car,\nwhich is you, you jerk.\n\nYOKELBOT\nYe think me be he?\n\nBENDER\nS\u00ed.\n\nYOKELBOT\nNee. I mean, \"no\". I was given the curse\nmany a year ago while on a bird-watching\ntrip to the Arctic...\n\n[Arctic. The ship cruises over the icy land, lands and skids\nto a stop outside an igloo.]\n\nYOKELBOT\n(voice-over) ...I was attacked by a\nvicious, motorised sled. The natives\ncalled it the abominable snowmobile.\n\n[Igloo. The crew sit with an Inuitbot.]\n\nINUITBOT\nYes, it's true. I ran over that bird-watching\njerk and a hundred others. Even my best\nfriend from aromatherapy school.\n\nFRY\nI once had a best friend who liked to\nsmell things with me.\n\n[He glares at Bender.]\n\nINUITBOT\nAlas, I'm afraid I'm not the original\nwere-car. I received the curse while\ntaking a learning annex class from a\nfamous robot actor.\n\n[Outside All My Cicuits Soundstage. The crew go in.]\n\nINUITBOT\n(voice-over) You know him as Calculon.\n\n[Calculon's Dressing Room. Calculon is dressed in period costume.\nHe dabs himself with Silver Pancake and Iron Blush.]\n\nCALCULON\n(dramatically) Oh, fate most cruel,\nwould that my boundless acting skills\nwould avail me a sword with which to\nslay this wretched curse.\n\nBENDER\nLet's kick him some more.\n\nCALCULON\nNo, wait, let me explain. (dramatically)\nIt all began one fateful night a thousand\nyears ago.\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're a thousand\nyears old? Your bio says you're 27!\n\nCALCULON\nLies! I change my identity and upgrade\nmy appearance every few decades to avoid\nsuspicion. I was all of history's great\nacting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat,\nDavid Duchovny!\n\nFRY\nLook, are you the original were-car\nor not?\n\nCALCULON\nNo, but you are nearing the end of your\nsearch, for you see I was attacked by\nthe original were-car.\n\nBENDER\nGive us a name MacButt!\n\nCALCULON\nThe year was 2019, and I was just a\nlowly robot arm...\n\n[Flashback. 2019 - Car Factory.]\n\nCALCULON\n(voice-over) ...working in an automotive\nresearch lab. I was working on Project\nSatan......a savage, intelligent military\nvehicle built from the most evil parts\nof the most evil cars in all the world.\nThe steering wheel from Hitler's staff\ncar, the left-turn signal from Charles\nManson's VW, the windshield from that\ncar that played Knight Rider.\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFRY\nKnight Rider wasn't evil.\n\nCALCULON\nHis windshield wipers were. It didn't\ncome up much in the show though. Anyway...\n\n[Flashback. 2019 - Car Factory.]\n\nCALCULON\n(voice-over) ...Only after bringing\nProject Satan to life did they discover\nthey had made a horrible mistake. For\nyou see, it was pure evil.\n\n[Project Satan's headlight light up and it rams Calculon. It\nhonks and howls.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nLEELA\nSo what happened to Project Satan?\n\n[Paris. Bender. Leela and Fry stand near the Eiffel Tower looking\naround.]\n\nCALCULON\n(voice-over) It's either in Paris, or\nmuch more likely...\n\n[Outside Chrysler Factory.]\n\nCALCULON\n(voice-over) ...still in the abandoned\nautomotive lab.\n\n[The Planet Express ship lands outside the building. Someone\nhas sprayed \"Anti\" in front of \"Chrysler\".]\n\n[Chrysler Factory. Rats run around the deserted building. Leela,\nBender and Fry open the door and walk in.]\n\nLEELA\nYou guys distract the were-car and I'll\nkill it by plugging its exhaust pipe\nwith this silver potato.\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew peer over a pile of debris.]\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) Psst, there it is.\n\n[Project Satan is parked next to a furnace, sobbing.]\n\nLEELA\nIt looks so unhappy. Excuse me? Are\nyou Project Satan? Don't be afraid.\nWe know what you are.\n\nPROJECT SATAN\nYou do?\n\nLEELA\nWould you like us to...put you out of\nyour misery?\n\nPROJECT SATAN\nMisery? What misery? I love killing\npeople! Squishing them till their organs\nsquirt out like chunky mustard.\n\nBENDER\nLook, everyone love killing people,\nbut I don't wanna hurt my friends.\n\n[He puts his arms around Fry and Leela. Fry walks off in a huff.\nA bell rings 12 outside. Bender's arms turn into wheels.]\n\nLEELA\nOh no! It's midnight.\n\nBENDER\nHey, this is starting to feel pretty\ngood!\n\n[His legs morph into wheels and he and Project Satan laugh. Project\nSatan turns to Fry and Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, distract him.\n\nFRY\nHey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm\na blind pedestrian. 20 points!\n\n[Project Satan chases Fry and Leela grabs hold of its back bumper.]\n\nLEELA\nOh no, there's no exhaust pipe!\n\nPROJECT SATAN\nThat's right, thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s\nelectric motor, the most evil propulsion\nsystem ever conceived! Take whichever\none you want.\n\nBENDER\nOh boy, I feel like a car in a candy\nstore!\n\n[He chooses Fry and tries to ram him. Fry runs away.]\n\nFRY\n(gasping) Yes! He chose me! He's trying\nto kill me! Leela, I'm so happy! (talking)\nOh, thanks Bender. (choking) Too tight!\nToo tight!\n\n[Bender's steering wheel starts hitting Fry in the face. Project\nSatan chases Leela into a crash test area and up a huge ramp.\nShe dives off the end of it.]\n\nLEELA\nWhoa!\n\n[Project Satan screams as he flies over several yellow school\nbuses. Bender drives up the other ramp and he, Project Satan\nand Fry scream as they fly past each other. Project Satan drives\ndown the other ramp and laughs, then screams as it realises it\nis about to go face-first into a very, very, very, very, very\nhot furnace. It slams its brakes on but doesn't stop in time.\nIt lands in the furnace and melts. It's headlight flash purple.\nBender's antenna beeps as the were-car program uninstalls itself.\nHe starts turning back into his normal self.]\n\nBENDER\nUh-oh.\n\n[He runs down the other ramp and falls over, back to his old\nrobot self.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, you're cured! But what happened\nto Fry?\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I must've killed him. He's\nmy best friend and I killed him. I never\nfelt so empty inside.\n\n[His door opens. Fry is inside.]\n\nFRY\nBender, I'm alive! You didn't hurt\nme at all. But I know you wanted to,\nand that's what matters. Here's to\nyou.\n\n[He drinks.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, that's my last beer, you bastard.\nI'll kill you!\n\n[Fry raises his bottle.]\n\nFRY\nI'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill\nyou too!\n\n[Bender starts to choke him.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-War-Is-The-H-Word.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 302\n\n\"WAR IS THE H WORD\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Touch Eyes To Screen For Cheap Laser\nSurgery.]\n\n[7^11. Bender looks in the beer fridges while Fry looks at the\ngum and candy rack.]\n\nFRY\nHm, Spider, Hubble, Nitrogum...ooh,\nBig Pink! It's the only gum with the\nbreath-freshening power of ham.\n\nBENDER\nAnd it pinkens your teeth while you\nchew.\n\n[The till clerk is dressed in a perspex box and is serving a\nsergeant at the till.]\n\nCLERK\nAlright, sergeant, $100 worth of pixie\nstix and porno mags with your 5% military\ndiscount comes to $95. That'll be 40\ncents.\n\nFRY\nI believe you're forgetting about our\n5% military discount.\n\nCLERK\nWell that's only for people in the military.\n\nBENDER\nWhat?! This is the worst kind of discrimination.\nThe kind against me!\n\nCLERK\nAlright, look. Our policy is, if for\nany reason you're not completely satisfied,\nI hate you.\n\n[He presses a button and a conveyor belt takes Fry and Bender\nthrough the doors onto the street.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside 7^11. Bender's head falls off and rolls into\nthe gutter.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, now I'm mad.\n\n[He screws it back on.]\n\nFRY\nFull price for gum? That dog won't hunt,\nMonsignor.\n\n[Earth Army Recruiting Center. Over the decades, army recruitment\nposter have changed. The one hanging outside the building has\nthe caption \"Join The Army. What Are You, Chicken? Buk Buk Buk\".\nInside, there is a line of people waiting to sign up. Hanging\non the wall is a banner showing the Earth Army's employee of\nthe month - in a coffin witht he Earth flag draped over it.]\n\nBENDER\nHello. We're here because we...uh...love\nour planet!\n\n[He and Fry chuckle. The man pushes their papers towards them.]\n\nMAN\nSign here on the dotted line, patriots.\nThen I'll give you your discount cards.\n\nFRY\nJust out of curiosity, we could use\nthe cards to buy gum, then immediately\nquit the army, right?\n\nBENDER\nYou know, playing you all for chumps?\n\nMAN\nCorrect. There's no obligation. Unless,\nof course, war were declared.\n\n[A siren sounds and a red light flashes.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's that?\n\nMAN\nWar were declared.\n\n[South Street Spaceport. Kif and Zapp check off the new recruits\nas they board the Nimbus. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Farnsworth follow\nBender and Fry as they carry their bags towards the ship.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow be careful, Fry. And if you kill\nanyone, make sure to eat their heart,\nto gain their courage. Their rich, tasty\ncourage.\n\n[He licks his lips.]\n\nHERMES\nI don't want you to worry about your\njobs while you're away. That's why I'm\nfiring you now.\n\n[He hands them their pink slips then turns away and starts to\ncry.]\n\nLEELA\nI wanna enlist. My friends always die\nif I'm not there to save them.\n\nZAPP\nSorry, but the army's instituted a men-only\npolicy.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?!\n\nZAPP\nIt's shameful, I agree. In the olden\ndays, I proudly fought alongside female\ntroops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas,\nafter a series of deadly blunders caused\nby distracting low-cut fatigues and\nlots of harmless pinching, the army\ndecided women weren't fit for service.\nNot when I'm in charge.\n\nLEELA\nYou know, Zapp, someone ought to teach\nyou a lesson.\n\nZAPP\nIf it's a lesson in love, watch out.\nI suffer from a very sexy learning disability.\nWhat do I call it, Kif?\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nKIF\nSex-lexia.\n\n[Time Lapse. The last soldiers board the ship, the boarding gangways\nare removed and the ship takes off.]\n\n[Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp stands on a platform before the troops.\nThe Earth flag hangs behind him.]\n\nZAPP\nMen, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all\nbe fighting for your planet. Many of\nyou will be dying for your planet. A\nfew of you will be forced through a\nfine mesh screen for your planet. They\nwill be the luckiest of all.\n\nBENDER\nGreat, we're gonna die.\n\nFRY\nAnd this ham gum is all bone.\n\n[He spits it out.]\n\nZAPP\nNow to present the logistics of our\nmission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please\nwelcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth\nPresident Richard M. Nixon.\n\n[Kif sits Nixon's head in a jar on a stool.]\n\nNIXON\nThis is the brass ring, fellas......planet\nSpheron 1!\n\nFRY\nCool effect!\n\nZAPP\nIt's a desolate, ugly little planet\nwith absolutely no natural resources\nor strategic value. Questions?\n\nSOLDIER #1\nWhy is this godforsaken planet worth\ndying for?\n\nZAPP\nDon't ask me, you're the one who's going\nto be dying.\n\nFRY\nUh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?\n\nZAPP\nA valid question. We know nothing about\ntheir language, their history or what\nthey look like. But we can assume this:\nThey stand for everything we don't stand\nfor. Also, they told me you guys look\nlike dorks.\n\nBENDER\nThey look like dorks!\n\n[He starts waving his fists around and Fry has to hold him back.]\n\n[Nimbus Training Room. Zapp, Kif and Nixon watch the soldiers\ntraining on gym equipment.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The soldiers drop a little water onto some green\nblobs and they inflate into tents. Fry swallows his and downs\na glass of water. The tent inflates in his mouth and he mumbles.]\n\nZAPP\nWhat's the matter, private? Tent got\nyour tongue? (chuckling) Tent got your...\n(talking) Kif, write that down and send\nit to Humour In Uniform.\n\n[Time Lapse. The soldiers learn to assemble their guns. Bender\nquickly does his but attaches his arm to it as well. He sighs.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry puts on a helmet that obscures his vision and\nholds a lightsaber. Kif releases a probe and it buzzes around\nFry. Fry swings for it, misses a few times and chops it in half.\nSweets fall out of it and the other soldiers scoop them up off\nthe floor and eat them. Fry looks around in confusion.]\n\n[Time Lapse. An exhausted Fry and Bender sit out the obstacle\ncourse. The soldiers run past them, through the tyres, through\nthe tunnels, under the barbed wire and through the ring of fire.\nAnother soldier breaks away from the group and runs past Fry\nand Bender.]\n\nFRY\nWhoa! Check out that guy. He makes Speedy\nGonzales look like Regular Gonzales.\n\n[The soldier passes the finish line and Kif stops the stopwatch.]\n\nKIF\nThat new recruit is phenomenal, sir.\n\nZAPP\nYes. He edged out my old mark by two\nseconds......and 16 minutes...and 12\nhours. I do plan to finish someday,\nKif. Good hustle, soldier.\n\n[He pats the soldier's bum and he turns around and slaps Zapp.\nThe soldier has purple hair, a purple beard and wears a visor\nacross his eyes. Shock, horror, it's actually Leela. Not that\nZapp notices.]\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Uh, sorry,\nsir. I was still in attack mode. You\nknow how testosterone is.\n\nZAPP\nAs a bubbling Crock-Pot of male hormones,\nI sure do. What's your name, private?\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Lee -- ..la...man.\nLa Man...Lemon! Lee Lemon, sir.\n\n[She salutes.]\n\nZAPP\nLemon, you're a man's man. You're a\nman's man's man. More importantly, your\nhand, while firm and masculine, is soft\nas a velvet child. What lotion do you\nuse?\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Pert and Popular,\nsir.\n\nZAPP\nRoger that. Kif, get me ten cases of\nPert and Popular.\n\nKIF\nWhat shall I do with your Jergens, sir?\n\nZAPP\nSquirt it on some homeless man with\ndry elbows. Private Lee Lemon may well\nbe the finest recruit I've seen in all\nmy years of service. That young man\nfills me with hope and some other emotions\nthat are weird and deeply confusing\nto me.\n\nKIF\nEw.\n\n[Nimbus Mess Hall. Zapp watches the soldier through some binoculars.\nHe looks at Leela, sitting at a table alone and zooms in.]\n\nZAPP\n(sexfully) Hello!\n\n[Nixon is sat with Zapp at the table. Kif pours some wine into\nZapp's glass and then pours some into Nixon's jar. He slurps\nit.]\n\nNIXON\nMmm. Now that's a nice ros\u00e9. So, anyway,\nwe open up the panda crate, wouldn't\nyou know it, the damn thing's dead!\nUp-chucked it's bamboo. True story.\n\n[Zapp isn't paying attention and is still looking through the\nbinoculars.]\n\nZAPP\nUh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you\nwere talking about for you.\n\n[Fry, Bender, soldier #1 and a hick carry their trays to Leela's\ntable.]\n\nFRY\nMind if we sit with you?\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Uh, hey, why\nthe hell would I? We're all guys here.\nSweaty, hairy, gassy guys.\n\n[They sit down.]\n\nFRY\nGood point...I guess.\n\nBENDER\nYou're my kind of soldier, Lemon. A\nfoul-mouthed, barrel-chested, beer-bellied\npile of ugly muscle.\n\nHICK\nSo. Any you fellas got a special lady\nback home?\n\nFRY\nWell, I sort of a have a thing for this\ngirl I work with.\n\nLEELA\nReally? (disguised, deeper voice) What\ntype is she? You know, blonde, or Chinese,\nor cyclops?\n\nFRY\nCyclops.\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Aw, she sounds\nsweet.\n\nBENDER\nBut sweet girls aren't for you, eh?\nYou hard-fighting, hard-farting, ugly,\nugly son of a --\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Stop! Stop\nflattering me!\n\nZAPP\n(shouting) Ten hut! Well, well, well.\nIf it isn't Lee Lemon. The flaming star\nof Brannigan's Rough Rangers. Say, uh,\nLemon, do you like to read? I just got\na great book on tape. It's about life\nin ancient Greece and --\n\n[The alarm sounds and everyone runs off.]\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Sir, the alarm.\nI think I'd better --\n\n[Zapp puts his finger to her mouth.]\n\nZAPP\nShh. Don't talk. Just go.\n\n[The Nimbus goes into orbit around Spheron 1.]\n\n[Nimbus Briefing Room. The soldiers are in full battle uniform\nand holding their guns.]\n\nNIXON\nWe are now in position above Spheron\n1. This is the moment we were training\nfor all yesterday afternoon.\n\nZAPP\nAnd now for the battle plan. As you\nall know, the key to victory is the\nelement of surprise. Surprise!\n\n[He presses a big red button and the floor beneath the soldier\nopens up.]\n\n[Cut to: Spheron One Surface. The Nimbus is a few metres off\nthe ground. The soldiers land in a heap on the ground. The floor\ncloses up again.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The soldiers stand alone on the vast planet surface.\nThe ground is quite rocky and the sky is green.]\n\nFRY\nIt's creepy here.\n\nSOLDIER #1\nThis is the worst part. The calm before\nthe battle.\n\nFRY\nAnd then the battle's not so bad?\n\nSOLDIER #1\nOh, right. I forgot about the battle.\n\n[He whimpers. The ground begins to shake and there is a loud\nbanging sound.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's happening?\n\nHICK\nHoly shoot! Looky!\n\n[Thousands of pink balls bounce towards them.]\n\nFRY\nThe enemy! They're balls!\n\n[The balls knock several troops over. Other soldiers blast them\nwith their guns and they deflate like burst balloons. Fry's gun\nsplurts out red bursts that go nowhere.]\n\nLEELA\nCharge your gun, Fry.\n\nFRY\nOh, right.\n\n[He winds a handle on the side of his gun and it plays Pop Goes\nThe Weasel as it charges. A red pulse blasts out of the gun and\na horse neighs. Zapp is sat on the horse which is standing on\na hovering platform. Zapp is carrying a sword.]\n\nZAPP\nWatch where you're shooting, private.\nYou spooked Felicity. There, there,\nboy.\n\n[More balls knock over more soldiers. Eight of them gang up on\nsoldier #1 and he groans in pain. Leela kicks them away and soldier\n#1 quivers on the ground. He holds up a watch to Bender.]\n\nSOLDIER #1\n(hoarse) Give this to my son.\n\nBENDER\nYou got it!\n\nSOLDIER #1\n(hoarse) Wait. I didn't tell you where\nhe lives.\n\nBENDER\nHey, I think your son might also like\nthose boots.\n\n[Time Lapse. The battle rages on. The soldiers charge their guns\nand Pop Goes The Weasel plays over and over.]\n\nHICK\nCover us, buddy. You've got the only\nwounded-up positron shooter. Fry, you\nemu-bellied coward!\n\n[The balls knock over him, Bender and Leela. Four balls line\nup behind a bomb. Another ball pushes the first four balls and,\nlike a Newton's Cradle, the bomb is pushed away. It rolls past\nFry and stops between Leela, Bender and the hick. They scream\nand the fuse burns away. Bender crawls towards it.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Bender! No!\n\n[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]\n\nBENDER\nIf they put me on a stamp, tell them\nto use the young Bender.\n\n[He covers the bomb, it explodes and his chassis expands.]\n\n[DOOP Camp. The M*A*S*H theme tune plays. A helicopter lands\non a helipad.]\n\nP.A. ANNOUNCER\n(on tannoy) Incoming wounded. All operating\npersonnel report to tent four, repeat,\nfour. I mean five! Repeat, four.\n\n[Two medics carry soldier #1 from the helicopter on a stretcher.]\n\n[Tent Four. Fry watches through the window. A jellyfish woman,\nfrom the race from A Flight To Remember and The Lesser Of Two\nEvils is a nurse.]\n\nNURSE\nAre you ready to operate, doctor?\n\n[The doctor washes his claws. Claws? It's Zoidberg!]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'd love to, but first I have to perform\nsurgery. I kid, I kid!\n\n[The nurse puts some gloves on his claws and they break.]\n\n[Time Lapse. A human doctor operates on a mule, a robot doctor\noperates on soldier #1 while Zoidberg operates on the hick.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nScalpel. Blood bucket. Priest. Next\npatient.\n\n[The robot doctor, iHawk, has a martini permanently attached\nto his left hand.]\n\nIHAWK\nGee, Zoidberg. Leave some for the enemy\nto kill.\n\nNURSE\nLeave Dr. Zoidberg alone. He has twice\nthe training you do.\n\nIHAWK\nYeah, he's a doctor and a butcher!\n\n[He laughs and soldier #1 joins in. Zoidberg groans.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSee, this is how it starts. First with\nhe jokes, then comes the heavy stuff.\n\n[iHawk laughs then turns a switch on his body from \"irreverent\"\nto \"maudlin\".]\n\nIHAWK\nWhen will the killing end?\n\n[Cut to: Outside Tent 4. Fry is still outside. Zapp arrives,\nstill on his horse. Kif is standing beside the horse.]\n\nZAPP\nLook at this sissy, Kif. While others\nwere fighting and dying pointlessly,\nhe was hiding in a hole, wallowing in\na pool of his own cowardice.\n\nFRY\nThat wasn't cowardice.\n\nZAPP\nI'm depromoting you, soldier. Kif, what's\nthe most humiliating job there is?\n\nKIF\nBeing your assistant.\n\nZAPP\nWrong! Being your assistant! Private\nFry, you will henceforth serve as Kif's\nassistant.\n\nFRY\nThat doesn't sound too bad.\n\nKIF\n(uncharacteristically nasty) You speak\nwhen I tell you to, you filthy worm!\n\n[Tent Four.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm afraid he's gone.\n\n[He pulls the sheet over the hick.]\n\nHICK\nWhoa, doc, I ain't dead.\n\nZOIDBERG\nExcuse me, I believe I'm the doctor.\n\nIHAWK\nBelieve it all you want, that won't\nmake it true. (mauldlin) This isn't\na war, it's a murder. (irreverent)\nThis isn't a war, it's a moider!\n\n[The nurse wheels Bender in. His chassis is still mis-shapen\nfrom the explosion.]\n\nHICK\nBender, old buddy. Hang in there.\n\n[The nurse hooks Bender up to a beer drip and he groans. Zapp\nwalks in with Nixon's head.]\n\nZAPP\nHere lies the bravest soldier I've seen\nsince my mirror got grease on it. I\nhereby order that in Bender's honour,\nhe be melted down and made into a statue\nof himself.\n\nNIXON\nSlow down there, Starsky, I'm up to\nsomething here. I want this robot fixed.\nFixed like Kennedy fixed the 1960 election.\nDamn bean-eating war hero!\n\nNURSE\nAre you read to operate, doctor?\n\nIHAWK\nI'd love to, but first I have to perform\nsurgery.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's my joke! I'll kill you!\n\n[He jumps at iHawk and clacks his claws.]\n\n[Officers' Club. Zapp sits with Nixon and drinks a scotch as\nthe battle continues outside.]\n\nZAPP\nAh! Pre-war scotch! Welcome, Lieutenant\nBender. You're looking sharp.\n\nBENDER\nI got wheels! With clickety-clack-ers.\n\n[Kif brings Zapp another scotch.]\n\nZAPP\nDamnit, Kif, where's the little umbrella?\nThat's what makes it a scotch-on-the-rocks!\n\nKIF\nActually, sir --\n\n[He groans as Zapp plants the glass firmly in the middle of his\nforehead.]\n\nZAPP\nMake me a new one.\n\n[Kif signs and walks back to the bar where Fry is cleaning glasses\nwith a cloth.]\n\nKIF\nUse a brush, you dunderhead! And mix\nthese mixed nuts. I see two almonds\ntouching!\n\n[Back at Zapp's table...]\n\nNIXON\nNow, listen here, Bender. This war is\nin danger of going all quagmire on me.\nSo I'm sending you on one last mission.\n\nBENDER\nHot diggidy daffodil!\n\nNIXON\nA mission of peace.\n\nBENDER\n(disappointed) Oh!\n\nZAPP\nYou'll be negotiating with the aliens'\nmysterious leaders, the Brain Balls.\nThey've got a lot of brains and they've\ngot a lot of cutzpa!\n\nNIXON\nAccompanying you will be our top peace\nnegotiator, Henry Kissenger.\n\n[Kif wheels in Kissenger's head in a jar.]\n\nKISSENGER\nHow are you?\n\nBENDER\nIs he any good?\n\nNIXON\nLooking like that, he talked his way\ninto Jill St. John's bed. Nuff said!\n\n[Helicopter. Bender and Nixon's helicopter lifts off and flies\naway.]\n\n[Shower Block.]\n\nNIXON\n(singing) I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning.\nLike a whirlpool it never ends.\n\n[Kif scrubs Zapp's back with a brush.]\n\nZAPP\nA little lower. Lower. Lower. A lot\nlower. Too low...! Lower!\n\n[Kif sighs. Fry sings and scrubs Kif's back.]\n\nFRY\n(singing) I'm walking on sunshine, whoa-oh.\n\n[He hums. Leela walks in wearing a bathrobe and her Lee Lemon\nhat and visor and gasps. She turns to go.]\n\nZAPP\nPrivate Lemon, no need to leave. My\nstall just became free.\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Maybe you\nshould put on a towel, sir.\n\nZAPP\nRight. Right! I'm about to try the\nnew lotion you recommended. (sexfully)\nIf I should accidentally put too much\non my hands, perhaps I could rub it\nonto you.\n\n[Leela gags. Kif carries Nixon's jar.]\n\nNIXON\nBrannigan!\n\nZAPP\nHm?\n\nNIXON\nMy God, cover yourself. I didn't live\na thousand years and travel a quadrillion\nmiles to look at another man's gizmo.\n\nZAPP\nUh, sorry, Mr. President, I didn't realise.\nKif, raise him up about nipple-high.\n\n[Behind them, Leela showers with her back turned.]\n\nNIXON\nCome on, Brannigan. Stuff yourself into\na uniform. We've gotta get off this\nplanet before the bomb goes off.\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Bomb?! What\nbomb?\n\nZAPP\nThe one we had the doctors implant in\nthat gullible Bender robot.\n\n[Fry gasps. Zapp's horse kicks the shower stalls and Leela runs\nout and wraps a towel around herself. Zapp looks her up and down\nand purrs.]\n\nNIXON\nZapp. Zapp!\n\nZAPP\nHm?\n\nNIXON\nInspect the troops later. It's time\nto activate the bomb.\n\n[Zapp takes a remote control out of his uniform pocket and presses\na button.]\n\n[Brain Ball Headquarters. Bender and Kissenger are sat around\na table with three Balls.]\n\nKISSENGER\nNow, as for economic cooperation --\n\n[The bomb inside Bender beeps and his antenna flashes.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa! Scuse me.\n\n[He bangs his chest and the bomb starts to tick.]\n\n[DOOP Camp.]\n\nP.A. ANNOUNCER\n(on tannoy) Attention: All personnel\nevacuate the planet immediately. And\nnot just because it's meat loaf night.\n\n[Zapp is sat on his horse and Kif is sat on his mule, holding\nNixon's jar.]\n\nZAPP\nCome along, Lemon before this whole\ndump blows up.\n\nLEELA\n(disguised, deeper voice) Uh, commander?\nCould you tell me when the bomb is exploding?\n\nZAPP\nOf course, my significant soldier. The\nbomb is voice activated. It will detonate\nthe instant the robot unwittingly speaks\na certain word.\n\nFRY\nWhat's the word...uh...sir?\n\n[He salutes.]\n\nZAPP\nIt's the one word the robot uses more\nthan any other. We got it from this\nconvenient database of his 10 most frequently-used\nwords. Number 10, chump; number nine,\nchumpette; number eight, yours; number\nseven, up; number six, pimpmobile; number\nfive, bite; number four, my......number\nthree, shiny; number two, daffodil.\nAnd Bender's number one most frequently\nuttered word, the word which, if uttered,\nwill blow up this entire planet: Ass.\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWe don't have long!\n\n[Brain Ball Headquarters.]\n\nBRAIN BALL #1\nWe demand bouncing, followed by rolling,\nfollowed by rolling of the third type.\n\nKISSENGER\nSay what?\n\nBENDER\nMy chair's too hard. It's a real pain\nin the...uh, whattya call it? Lower\nback! Yeah, that whole region.\n\n[DOOP Camp. Soldiers board helicopters and they take-off towards\nthe Nimbus. Fry crouches behind some barrels until most of the\nhelicopters are gone.]\n\nFRY\nOK, I gotta break down that gate, beat\nup those three guards, steal that chopper\nand rescue Bender. Hey, I did it! Wait,\nthat's not me.\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Come on. We gotta save Bender.\n\n[She climbs onto the helicopter.]\n\nFRY\nYou wanna save him too, Lemon? You barely\nknow him.\n\n[Leela pulls him onto the helicopter.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, don't you recognise me?\n\nFRY\nHermes?\n\n[Zapp arrives.]\n\nZAPP\nLee? When will I see you again? The\ntwo of you are good friends? But I thought\nwe would be good friends. (contemptuous)\nWell, let's see how friendly you get\nwhen you're sharing a prison cell!\n\n[He holds up some handcuffs. Leela punches him in the stomach,\nsmacks him about the face and kicks him to the ground.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, Zapp!\n\n[Zapp groans. Leela pulls of her helmet and fake beard.]\n\nZAPP\nLeela!\n\nFRY\nLeela!\n\nZAPP\nSo it's you I've been attracted to!\nOh, God, I've never been so happy to\nbe beaten up by a woman.\n\nLEELA\nLet's do it again sometime.\n\n[She closes the door and takes off.]\n\n[Brain Ball Headquarters.]\n\nBRAIN BALL #2\nThe elders tell of a young ball much\nlike you. He bounced three metres in\nthe air. Then he bounced 1.8 metres\nin the air. Then he bounced four metres\nin the air. Do I make myself clear?\n\nKISSENGER\nMr. Ambassador, our people tell the\nsame story. Oy.\n\n[Bender paces around shaking his fists.]\n\nBENDER\nThese balls are making me testy. If\nthey don't stop bouncing and jiggling,\nI swear I'm gonna shove this treaty\nup their -- Wait a second. Where do\nyou shove things up a ball?\n\nKISSENGER\nThis isn't a productive area of discussion.\n\n[Helicopter. The helicopter closes in on the Brain Ball HQ, and\nhundreds of balls bounce underneath.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're here. I followed the bouncing\nballs. I'll keep the chopper at a safe\naltitude while you parachute down.\n\nFRY\nOK, my best friend's life is at stake.\nI can finally prove that I'm not a coward.\nWill you push me?\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) I already did!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. Fry falls.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Thank you! At last, war\nhas made me into a man.\n\n[He cheers as he bounces towards the building.]\n\n[Cut to: Brain Ball Headquarters.]\n\nKISSENGER\nPlease, gentlemen. We must put an end\nto the bloodshed. We have all seen too\nmany body bags and ball sacks.\n\nBRAIN BALL #1\nWe cannot condone bouncing of the seventh\nvariety.\n\nBENDER\nEnough of this crap! I'm catching the\nnext pimpmobile outta here! But before\nI go I have one thing to say. Bite\nmy shiny metal --\n\n[Enter Fry on his ball.]\n\nFRY\nStop! You can't say the next word.\n\nBENDER\nUp yours, chump, I said it 906 times\nbefore lunch.\n\nFRY\nBender, if you say the A-word and you'll\nblow this planet straight to the H-word!\n\n[He opens Bender's chest door, revealing the armed bomb. They\ngasp.]\n\nKISSENGER\nYoung man, you have the bravery of a\nhero and breath as fresh as a summer\nham. What? What is funny?\n\nBENDER\nBender's got the upper hand now. The\nname of the game is \"Make Bender Happy\nOr He Blows Up The Planet\". I'd rather\ndie and take everybody with me than\nsit here one more minute listening to\nthese idiots talk about bouncing!\n\nBRAIN BALL #1\nPlease, stay calm. There's no need to\nbounce of the handle.\n\nBENDER\nThat's it, I'm saying it! A is for --\n\nBRAIN BALL #1\nWait, stop! We give in to all of Earth's\ndemands. The war is over. Our home planet\nis yours.\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nFRY\nAll right! Hey. Wait a minute! This\nis your home planet? We're the evil,\ninvading aliens?\n\nBRAIN BALL #2\nCorrect.\n\nBENDER\nThen I guess you learned a valuable\nlesson: Don't mess with Earth.\n\nBRAIN BALL #1\nMay you bounce in peace.\n\nBENDER\nGet the hell off my planet.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. The balls on the surface\nbounce and fly off the surface and away from the planet.]\n\n[Newspaper Headline: \"War Over! Balls Thoroughly Licked!\" There\nis a picture of a bruished Zapp giving the thumbs up.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender lies on a table and\nFarnsworth welds something in his chest cabinet. The other staff\ngather around watching.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, that's it. Let's reactivate him.\n(shouting) Wake up!\n\n[He slaps Bender. Bender yawns and sits up.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, chumps and chumpettes. Did you\nget the bomb out? Can I go back to saying\nthe word I love to say?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm sorry but we couldn't remove it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's stuck in there with glue or something.\nI don't know.\n\nBENDER\n(ironic) Well, this is just great! What's\nthe point of living if I can't say \"ass\"?\nHey, I didn't blow up! Ass, ass, ass,\nass, ass! Alright! I'm back in the saddle!\n\nLEELA\nWe couldn't disarm the bomb so we reset\nthe word that triggers it.\n\nAMY\nIt's from the list of words you almost\nnever say.\n\nBENDER\nThat's using your ass. So, what's the\nword?\n\nHERMES\nWe think it's better if you don't know.\n\nBENDER\nOh, come on. I'm not gonna say it. Please?\nOh, is it \"please\"?\n\nFRY\nNo.\n\nBENDER\nHm, words I never say. Oh, I know! \"Thanks\"!\n\nLEELA\nBender, stop trying to destroy the world.\n\nBENDER\nWait, wait, wait, wait. Is it \"sorry\"?\nNo. \"Funderful\"? Uh, \"nonalcoholic\"?\n\nAMY\nQuit it!\n\nFRY\nBender!\n\nHERMES\nStop it, mon!\n\nZOIDBERG\nEnough already!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nBENDER\n(from lab) \"Compassion\"? \"Shrimptoast\"?\n\"Antiquing\"? I'm alright!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Cryonic-Woman.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 303\n\n\"THE CRYONIC WOMAN\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Not a Substitute for Human Interaction.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is in the Planet Express hangar and\nFry and Bender are messing around in the cockpit. Fry flies a\nscale model of the ship around and makes whoosh-y noises, then\na crackling radio noise.]\n\nFRY\nGiant Space Robot, this is Captain Fry\nof the USS Planet Express Ship; We come\nin peace.\n\nBENDER\nTough luck!\n\n[He takes a hammer out of his chest cabinet and knocks the ship\nout of Fry's hands. It lands on the floor and Bender smashes\nit to bits. He and Fry laugh.]\n\nFRY\nWell, we destroyed the toy spaceship.\nNow what are we gonna do?\n\nBENDER\nHey, look! The keys to the real spaceship.\n\n[Fry sees the keys in the ignition and turns to Bender.]\n\nFRY\nDo you think we should?\n\n[Bender stands up.]\n\nBENDER\n(firmly) Yes, I do.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. At the conference table Zoidberg\nreads a book, Hermes sits with an iMac in front of him and Amy\neats something with chopsticks. In the kitchen, Leela finishes\nwashing a \"Universe's #1 Space Pilot\" mug and puts it next to\nFry's \"Universe's #4307697 Delivery Boy\" mug.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela, have you seen the keys to the\nspaceship?\n\nLEELA\nI must've left them onboard.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEh, wha'? I mean, what?\n\nLEELA\nRelax. The ship's not going anywhere.\nI anchored it with the unbreakable diamond\ntether.\n\n[The ship begins to rumble and slowly rises into the air. Leela\nand Farnsworth gasp.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The coil of diamond tether starts\nto run out as the ship gets higher.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nAMY\nOh, no!\n\n[She talks in Martian.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet ghost of Babylon.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThis isn't good for Zoidberg!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship emerges from the hangar\nand flies away. The tether tightens and the ship struggles, eventually\nripping the building from it's foundations.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nWoo, yeah!\n\nBENDER\nWoo-hoo!\n\n[They laugh.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The other five fly through the\nair and hit the back wall.]\n\n[St. Louis. The ship flies under the Gateway Arch and loops the\nloop several times. The Planet Express building spins around\nit and the crew scream from inside.]\n\n[San Francisco. The building skims the surface of the water by\nthe Golden Gate Bridge.]\n\n[Great Wall of China. The Chinese ignore the ship as it flies\nover. Seconds afterwards, the building crashes through the wall\nand the Mongols ride over it, wielding swords.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry sits with his feet on a console\nwhile Bender literally flies by the seat of his pants.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, Fry, I'm steering with my ass!\n\nFRY\nThat's the best thing I ever saw!\n\n[Pisa. The ship knocks the Leaning Tower upright and the locals\nshout angrily at them and wave their fists.]\n\nITALIAN #1\nYou stink!\n\n[The building hits it and knocks it at an angle again and the\nItalians cheer.]\n\nITALIAN #1\nAlright, yeah!\n\nITALIAN #2\nWe like you a lot!\n\n[The Leaning Tower topples and crushes some of them.]\n\n[New New York City. The ship flies past the Statue of Liberty\nand over Manhattan before lowering the building back onto its\nfoundations and landing in the hangar.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The place is a tip. Fry and\nBender walk down the ship's steps, laughing.]\n\nFRY\nThat was great!\n\nBENDER\nAnd no one suspects a thing! Whoa!\nAnd that's how we learned our lesson!\n\n[Fry hides behind him and nods.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth berates them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou've gone too far this time - all\nthree of you!\n\nLEELA\nWhat did I do?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou left the keys in the ignition. I\nmean, look at those two. Wasn't it obvious\nwhat would happen?\n\nFRY\nYeah, Leela.\n\nBENDER\nWe're all very disappointed in you.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI should fire you three right now, but\nI'm just not that cold-hearted.\n\n[He whispers something to Hermes.]\n\nHERMES\nYou're all fired.\n\n[The others' jaws drop.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The three former employees leave through\nthe main door. Zoidberg, Amy, Hermes and Farnsworth watch them\ngo.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nGoodbye, friends. I'll miss you. Good\nriddance to them. Now Zoidberg is the\npopular one!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, yes! Let's all talk to Zoidberg.\n\nAMY\nHey, Dr. Zoidberg, I've been thinking.\nDo you think we could go out?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo, Zoidberg. What's new?\n\nHERMES\nTell me, Zoidberg: Is it carapace or\ncarapass?\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, you know...!\n\n[Park. The jobless Fry, Leela and Bender sit on a bench.]\n\nFRY\nWhat are we supposed to do for money?\nAll I've got is my frequent taffy eater's\ncard, my first moustache......and this\npicture of me and my old girlfriend,\nMichelle, and that ski instructor she\nwas just friends with.\n\n[In the photo the ski instructor has his arm around Michelle\nwhile Fry leans into the photo, waving. Bender unscrews his head\nand holds it out like a bucket to a passing man.]\n\nBENDER\nPardon me, brother. Care to donate to\nthe Anti-Mugging-You Fund? Ow!\n\n[She puts his head back on.]\n\nLEELA\nWe don't need to beg, Bender. For God's\nsake, we're not veterans!\n\nFRY\nWell, what do you suggest? A daring\ndaylight robbery of Fort Knox on elephant-back?\nThat's the dumbest thing I ever heard!\n\nLEELA\nNo, we can get jobs.\n\nBENDER\nBut we just had jobs!\n\n[Leela opens her backpack.]\n\nLEELA\nFortunately, I still have our old career\nchips.\n\nFRY\nOur what?\n\nLEELA\nCareer chips. You remember? They assign\nyou the job you're best at. I tried\nto give you one and you ran away. It's\nhow we met!\n\nFRY\nAnd then what happened?\n\n[She sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nJust give me your hand.\n\n[She clips him with her implant gun.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\nLEELA\nBaby! Ow!\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Ipgee's Office. Leela reapplies to the company\nwith the motto \"It Seems To Work OK\" at exactly 3pm. Fry and\nBender are with her.]\n\nLEELA\nI'd like to reapply for my old job:\nCounselling defrostees and assigning\nthem careers.\n\nIPGEE\nOh, I was hoping you would come back!\nI even saved your poster of a chimp\nexpressing your distaste for Mondays.\n\n[He takes the poster out of his drawer. It has a picture of a\nmonkey wearing a tie on it. Above, \"I Hate Mondays\" is written.]\n\nLEELA\nMonday Monkey lives for the weekend,\nsir.\n\nIPGEE\nJust put your hand under the scanner\nso I can verify your career chip. Calcutta,\nwe have a problem.\n\n[\"Career: Delivery Boy\" is on the screen.]\n\nLEELA\nDelivery boy? I must have mixed up the\nchips. It's a simple mis -\n\n[Ipgee scans Fry's chip.]\n\nIPGEE\nOh, here's a cryogenic counsellor! Do\nyou like Mondays?\n\nFRY\nThey're OK.\n\nIPGEE\nThen we'll have to redecorate your office.\nHow do you feel about it helping to\nbe crazy to work here but not being\nnecessary?\n\nBENDER\nHey, let's see what it says about me.\n\n[He takes a severed human arm out of his chest cabinet and Ipgee\nscans it. \"Prime Minister Of Norway\" appears on the screen.]\n\nIPGEE\nWelcome aboard, sir.\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. Terry scrapes some condensation\nfrom the front of an active freezer tube. Fry is wearing a blue\nuniform and he and Bender are both wearing white coats.]\n\nTERRY\nRemember, when the tube opens, say...(dramatically)...\"Welcome\nto the world of tomorrow!\"\n\nFRY\nHey, I was frozen. I think I know what\npeople wanna hear when they first wake\nup. Bathroom's that way.\n\n[The man pushes him out the way and runs.]\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Probulator Room. The man is lying naked\non the table. Hovering above him are some sharp instruments.]\n\nFRY\nSo, while you're on the Probulator,\ntell me, what brings you to the future?\n\nMAN\nOh, well, I wanted to meet Shakespeare\nand I figured that time was cyclical.\n\nFRY\nNope. Straight line. Ah, the Probulator's\ndone.\n\nMAN\nThat wasn't so bad.\n\nFRY\nOh, wait, it hasn't started yet. OK,\nit's about to start.\n\n[It dings and the man screams some more.]\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room. A freezer opens and an old\nman walk out, rubbing his eyes. Bender runs towards him wearing\na giant fly's head and a cape.]\n\nBENDER\nWelcome to the future, human slave.\nAh, relax, chum. I'm not really a giant\nfly! I'm a horrible robot! Kill all\nhumans!\n\n[The old man clutches his chest.]\n\nTERRY\nDear God! He's having a heart attack!\n\n[Bender pushes the old man into the freezer, turns the dial and\nfreezer him.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, they'll probably find a cure for\nthat in the future.\n\nTERRY\nWe have a cure for it now!\n\nBENDER\nOh, good. Then you won't mind if I use\nthis.\n\n[He puts a gorilla mask on.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is frozen in a freezer. It pings, unfreezes\nhim and opens the door. He yawns and stretches.]\n\nFRY\nNothing like a power nap.\n\n[He pours himself a coffee and opens the old man's tube. There\nare pizza boxes, milk cartons, beers and cans of Slurm stacked\naround him. Fry pours some milk in his coffee. The old man unfreezes.]\n\nOLD MAN\nOh, flies! Flies and gorillas!\n\n[Fry hands him the milk and closes the door. The old man freezes\nagain. The door to the Probulator room opens and Bender walks\nout.]\n\nBENDER\nStay beautiful, doll-face! That Probulator\nsure knows how to please a man. So,\nwhat's for lunch?\n\nFRY\nI ordered a pizza.\n\n[The door opens and Leela walks in, wearing delivery girl garb.\nHer cap has a slice of pizza stuck in it.]\n\nLEELA\nPizza delivery for...I.C. Wiener. Yeah,\nvery funny. Now cough up the $12.95.\n\nFRY\nSorry, but if it's not here in half\nan hour, it's free.\n\nLEELA\nIt's only been 23 minutes.\n\nFRY\nWell, uh, I've got 33 minutes.\n\n[Leela puts the pizza box on the table and presses a button.\nThe doodle of a hef starts to talk.]\n\nCHEF\nIt's only been-a 23 minutes, you dumb-a\ncanolli. You got a problem, we can take\nit outside.\n\nFRY\nOK, I'll fight the box. I think I can\ntake him.\n\nLEELA\nFry, just pay me. I still owe 30 bucks\non this uniform.\n\nCHEF\n35, you stupid meatball.\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender and Fry walk past the freezers, looking at\na clipboard.]\n\nBENDER\nWho should be unfreeze next?\n\n[They look at a commando-type who is holding a gun and pulling\na pin from a grenade.]\n\nFRY\nNo. No! Oh, my God! It's Pauly Shore!\n\nBENDER\nAlright!\n\n[He puts his gorilla mask on.]\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Probulator Room. Pauly Shore is lying on\nthe table.]\n\nFRY\nMr. Shore, I loved you in Bio-Dome.\nYou sure caused some trouble in that\nbubble!\n\nSHORE\nRest assured, if it rhymes, I can cause\ntrouble in it.\n\nFRY\nHey, now that you're in the future,\nyou can go live in an actual bio-dome!\n\nSHORE\nAn unattractive prospect. While researching\nfor the role, I ran computer simulations\ndemonstrating, incontravertably, that\nthe whole bio-enclosure concept is fundamentally\nflawed. Be it expressed via dome, sphere,\ncube or even a stately tetrahedron,\nbuuuddy!\n\n[He smacks his lips. Fry stares blankly at him.]\n\nFRY\nOh. How did you wind up getting frozen?\n\nSHORE\nWell, while filming Encino Man my intellectual\ncuriosity re: cryogenics was peaked,\nand I resolved to freeze the weasel.\n\nFRY\nThe weasel?\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nSHORE\nHey, listen, skippy. I was supposed\nto be unfrozen in Hollywood for the\nthousandth anniversary screening of\nJury Duty II. How come I'm not there?\n\nFRY\nI woke you up early so we could hang\nout and do stuff.\n\nSHORE\nLike what?\n\n[Fry turns the Probulator on and Shore screams.]\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room.]\n\nFRY\nI love this job.\n\n[Bender is wearing a sheet over his head and looks like a cartoon\nghost.]\n\nBENDER\nMe too.\n\n[A freezer pings.]\n\nFRY\nShowtime! (hoarse) I'll pretend to be\ndying of space plague.\n\n[The freezer opens and Fry gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nBoo?\n\n[The condensation clears and the woman inside the freezer wakes\nup.]\n\nFRY\nMichelle!\n\n[Bender looks at the photo inside Fry's wallet.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, my God!\n\n[He steals some cash and hands the wallet back to Fry.]\n\nMICHELLE\nFry? Is it really you?\n\nFRY\nI don't know. Is it really you?\n\nMICHELLE\nWhat do you mean you don't know? Are\nyou you or not?\n\nFRY\nWho wants to know?\n\nMICHELLE\nOh, Fry, it is you!\n\n[She hugs him and they kiss. Bender makes scary ghostie noises.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Michelle are sat down.]\n\nFRY\nI don't get it, Michelle. The last time\nI saw you, you were doing great. You\nhad just dumped me and you were well\non your way to getting you life back\non track. Why'd you freeze yourself?\n\nMICHELLE\nOh, Fry. After you left, things took\na turn for the worse. I got married.\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry.\n\n[Flashback. At Michelle's wedding, her new husband slips a ring\nonto her finger and they kiss.]\n\nMICHELLE\n(voice-over) His name was Charles. He\nattended a law school so prestigious,\nthe basketball team was coached by Ruth\nBader Ginsberg. I put him through law\nschool by working as a dog walker for\nantisocial dogs.\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFRY\nSorry.\n\n[Flashback. The scene moves to Charles's graduation.]\n\nMICHELLE\n(voice-over) But soon after Charles\ngraduated, our marriage ran into difficulties.\n\n[Charles throws his hat into the air and Michelle catches it\nand sees him kissing another woman.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFRY\nUh, sorry.\n\n[Flashback. Michelle walks the streets alone at night.]\n\nMICHELLE\n(voice-over) Desperately depressed,\nI turned to the one thing that could\nlessen my pain: A carnival. Unfortunately,\na corn dog bone got lodged in the control\npanel of the Spizzler, and I had to\nride it for eight hours.\n\nFRY\n(voice-over) Sorry.\n\nMICHELLE\n(voice-over) But it did give me a chance\nto think...\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry.\n\nMICHELLE\n...and I remembered the last time I\nwas truly happy; When I was with you.\n\nFRY\nAww. So you froze yourself to come look\nfor me?\n\nMICHELLE\nNo, I did it to get a fresh start. I\ndidn't know what had happened to you\n- no one did. The police were going\nto conduct a search but your parents\nfelt it was a waste of taxpayer money.\n\nFRY\nThat's the same reason they kept me\nout of school. So, no one even cared\nthat I was gone?\n\nMICHELLE\nNot really. Except for one person.\n\n[She puts her hand on his and they move closer.]\n\nFRY\nWho was it?\n\n[New New York City Streets. Fry and Michelle fly a hover-scooter\nover the city.]\n\nMICHELLE\nEverything is so different.\n\nFRY\nNot everything. There's still a roach\nproblem.\n\n[A giant roach flies beside them and Fry sprays it.]\n\nMICHELLE\nEw!\n\n[Museum Of Really Modern Art. The artwork is on the stomachs\nof lots of fat men. Michelle and Fry look at a painting on Sal.]\n\nMICHELLE\nEurgh.\n\nFRY\nNowadays, people aren't interested in\nart that's not tattooed on fat guys.\n\nSAL\nI'm on loan from the Louvre.\n\n[Park. Fry and Michelle sit in a horse-drawn carriage. The cab\nman whips the horse and a giant bug whips him. He screams and\nMichelle whimpers.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Outside the building, repair work\nis being done. Inside, Leela and Bender meet with Farnsworth.]\n\nLEELA\nPlease, professor. Give us our jobs\nback. We deserve another chance.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, and if you won't give me another\nchance, perhaps you'd give one to......Og,\ngorilla emperor of Earth!\n\n[The ship lands in the hangar.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sorry, Og, but I've got a new crew.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth leans over the railings\nand Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg get off the ship.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo, how was delivery to Fantasy Planet,\nwhere everyone's fantasies come to life?\n\nAMY\nGreat!\n\nHERMES\nOrganised!\n\nZOIDBERG\nFor one beautiful night, I knew what\nit was to be a grandmother. Subjugated,\nyet honoured.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender has the gorilla\nmask under his arm and Farnsworth talks to it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou see, Og? Everything's running smoothly,\nyes. And with Fry fired, I can finally\nleave my jigsaw puzzles out without\nhim eating the pieces.\n\nLEELA\nForget about Fry. You can hire us back\nand he'd never have to know.\n\n[Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nHey, guys.\n\nLEELA\nOh. Hey, Fry!\n\nBENDER\nSo, as Leela was saying, Fry can go\nshove a big old - Ow!\n\n[Leela clocks him with a phone.]\n\nFRY\nI'm glad you're all here. I wanted to\nintroduce you to my on-again-off-again\ngirlfriend of the past thousand years,\nMichelle. Michelle, this is Leela.\nThis is Bender. The professor. Hermes\nand Amy.\n\nMICHELLE\nNice to meet you.\n\nFRY\nAnd this is Dr. Zoidberg.\n\n[Zoidberg screams and runs away.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and Hermes, Bender\nand Farnsworth stand around him.]\n\nHERMES\nDating you ex, Fry? Have you lost all\nself-respect?\n\nFRY\nAll what?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis can only end badly, Fry. Kids,\na house -\n\nBENDER\nA home invasion by a former roommate.\n\nFRY\nBut things are different this time.\nBefore, she was demanding and possessive.\nBut now she wants me to do stuff and\nstay with her all the time.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Amy and Michelle sit at the table.\nZoidberg, wearing a frilly apron, pours them some tea.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere you go, dearies.\n\n[He hums and leaves. Michelle trembles.]\n\nMICHELLE\nIt's a relief to meet you, Amy. I'm\njust having a hard time adjusting to\nall the strange stuff here in the future.\n\nAMY\nI'm from Mars.\n\nMICHELLE\nI feel so out of place here. I don't\nunderstand why Fry fits in so well.\n\nLEELA\nProbably because he didn't fit in back\nin your time.\n\nMICHELLE\nThat's true. But I used to fit in really\nwell.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen good luck, sister.\n\n[He screams and walks off. Michelle drops her cup and it smashes.\nSeconds later it reassembles itself. She whimpers.]\n\n[Applied Cryogenics: Freezer Room.]\n\nMICHELLE\nDon't take this the wrong way, Fry,\nbut your friends are a bunch of freaks.\n\nFRY\nYeah, they're great, huh?\n\nMICHELLE\nI just don't belong here. I don't know\nanyone, I can't find a vanishing cream\nthat doesn't make me actually vanish.\nI don't even have a job.\n\nFRY\nOh, right. I was supposed to assign\nyou a job. Let me just get your career\nchip installed. Hold out your palm.\nWhat are you scared of? It's just like\ngetting your hand pierced.\n\n[Michelle pushes the gun away.]\n\nMICHELLE\nThis world is horrible. Let's start\nover, Fry. Well go someplace where all\nwe have is each other.\n\nFRY\nOoh, romantic. I'll tell Bender to meet\nus there.\n\nMICHELLE\nIt's not a \"there\". It's a \"then\".\nThe future.\n\nFRY\nWhoa, whoa, girl. I thought you were\ntalking about one of those motels where\nthe bed is shaped like stuff.\n\nMICHELLE\nI love you. Don't you love me?\n\nFRY\nWell, sure. To the extent a man can\nlove a woman. But this seems like a\nbig step.\n\nMICHELLE\nFry, why must you analyse everything\nwith your relentless logic? Nothing\nmatters but our love.\n\nFRY\nYou're right. Let's do this now and\nlet's never regret it.\n\n[They climb into the freezer and kiss. They are frozen in a flash.]\n\n[Apocalyptic Wasteland. The freezer stands alone in a vast desert.\nThe door opens and Fry and Michelle get out and look around.\nThe ruins of buildings burn and there are cracks in the ground.]\n\nFRY\nMichelle, I don't regret this. But I\nboth rue and lament it.\n\n[Time Lapse. The pair walk the desert.]\n\nFRY\nThe year 4000 is severely disappointing.\nI miss the year 3000 when life was simple\nand brains flew through space and everyone\nate lasers.\n\nMICHELLE\nIt's not that bad. Fate brought us together\nand now fate brought us here.\n\nFRY\nNo, you brought us here.\n\nMICHELLE\nWhine some more, Fry, I really find\nthat attractive in a man. Now come on,\nbuild us a shelter.\n\nFRY\nAlright, fine. Everything else sucks.\nAt least we can have a nice place to\nlive.\n\n[Time Lapse. It is dark and Fry is covered in dirt.]\n\nFRY\nOoh, there.\n\n[He is standing in a hole.]\n\nMICHELLE\nYou expect me to live in a tiny little\nhole?\n\nFRY\nIt'd be deeper, but I'm standing on\na gopher.\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning, Fry and Michelle are woken up\nby someone poking their faces with sticks.]\n\nMICHELLE\nOh, look. Some little kids.\n\nFRY\nThey'll save us. We're saved!\n\n[Kids' Den. Fry and Michelle are tied up in the middle of the\nden, which is in the middle of some ruined buildings. One of\nthe kids sits on a chair, elevated by some oil drums.]\n\nBUTCH\nI'm Butch, leader of this place. I took\nyour hole and you can't do nothing about\nit.\n\nMICHELLE\nOK.\n\nFRY\nMighty sir, we have nowhere to go. Could\nwe please join your society?\n\nBUTCH\nWell, alright. But no interfering with\nour grand works.\n\n[Time Lapse. The kids smash an old couch to bits and fight. Butch\nwatches them and nods. Fry joins Michelle, who is lying on a\nsun bed.]\n\nFRY\nI tell you, that Butch runs a pretty\ngood civilisation. I think I'll enjoy\nserving under him.\n\n[Michelle groans.]\n\nMICHELLE\nYou know your problem, Fry? You're not\nambitious. You should be chief.\n\nFRY\nWhat do I need, ulcers?\n\nMICHELLE\nBut I want power. I'm tired of the chief's\ngirlfriend lording it over me with her\nfancy coyote hide.\n\n[They watch Butch's girlfriend stroking the hide.]\n\nFRY\nAlright, alright. If it'll make you\nhappy, I'll overthrow society.\n\n[Time Lapse. Butch laughs.]\n\nBUTCH\nOn what grounds do you challenge my\nauthority?\n\nFRY\nWell, I'm older than you. I can beat\nyou up.\n\n[The kids nod.]\n\nKID #1\nYeah, I'll bet he could.\n\nBUTCH'S GIRLFRIEND\nHe's got arm hair.\n\nBUTCH\nAlright, grandpa. There's only one way\nto settle this. Death rolling!\n\n[The kids cheer.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's death rolling?\n\nOROWHEAT\nIt's like skateboarding.\n\nICE-V\nExcept half the time, someone dies.\n\nFRY\nOh, so it's a little safer than skateboarding.\n\n[Ruined City. At the top of a ruined building, Fry stands on\na skateboard with wheels and Butch stands on a rocket-propelled\none.]\n\nBUTCH\nLast one holding the bandana's the new\nleader.\n\n[He takes his bandana off and Fry holds one end of it.]\n\nMICHELLE\nMy mother always said you were a loser,\nFry. Now get out there and prove her\nwrong.\n\nFRY\n(sadly) Beth said that?\n\nBUTCH'S GIRLFRIEND\n(in Hebrew) One, two, three.\n\n[Butch flies down the ramp, dragging Fry with him. They tug back\nand forth on the bandana as they wind through the ruined streets.\nButch pulls Fry through a sewer pipe and Fry's hair makes sparks\non the side of it. They leave the sewer pipe and jump on a highway.\nTwo urban defence vehicles drive either side of them and start\nshooting at each other. They flip over and Fry and Butch dodge\nthem. Fry rolls down the opposite lane, straight towards an oncoming\ncar. He lifts his skateboard onto the other side, missing the\ncar. Butch holds onto the bumper of a car and Fry grabs the bumper\nof another one. He coughs as he gets exhaust in his face. The\ncars split and Fry and Butch fly towards a lamppost. The bandana\nwraps around it and their heads hit each other. The kids and\nMichelle gather around.]\n\nBUTCH\nIt's cool. Back off. (crying) My knee.\nI scraped it.\n\nFRY\nAww. Poor little guy. Let me just take\na look at - aha! I won! I'm the new\nchief! I'm the tallest and I weigh the\nmost!\n\n[The kids takes their guns out.]\n\nBUTCH\nHand it over, you giant idiot.\n\n[An armoured car pulls up and honks its horn.]\n\nBUTCH'S GIRLFRIEND\nHey, Butch, your mom's here.\n\nBUTCH\nAw, man.\n\nBUTCH'S MOM\nCome on, kids. You're late for Hebrew\nschool.\n\n[The kids groan and drop their guns.]\n\nOROWHEAT\nI don't wanna go.\n\nBUTCH'S GIRLFRIEND\nEvery Monday and Wednesday's the same\nthing.\n\n[They get into the car and drive away.]\n\nFRY\nI find this post-apocalyptic wasteland\nvery confusing. Seriously, I'm weirded\nout.\n\nMICHELLE\nThat's because you're a loser. You were\na loser in the year 2000 and you're\na loser in the year 4000.\n\nFRY\nYeah, but in the year 3000, I had it\nall. Several friends, a low-paying job,\na bed in a robot's closet. I envied\nno man. But you wrecked everything.\n\nMICHELLE\nQuit standing up for yourself, Fry.\nWhen we get back to the hole, we are\ngoing to have a long, boring talk about\nour relationship!\n\nFRY\nOh, yeah? Well, listen to this: (whispering)\nI'm leaving you.\n\n[He runs away.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry walks alone through the misty desert.]\n\nFRY\nThere must be people somewhere.\n\n[He climbs a small hill and sees some lights in the distance.\nHe slips on some loose stones and bounces down the other side\nof the hill.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The mist is thicker. Fry falls to the ground. The\nmist clears a little and something comes into view.]\n\nFRY\nYes! Footprints! And hand prints? But?\nWhat's happening?\n\n[He stands up and sees Loew's Gaddafi's Chinese Theater in front\nof him. He steps back. The Planet Express ship lands beside him,\ncrushing a floodlight. People scatter. Leela, Bender and Farnsworth\nwalk off the ship.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, thank God we found you.\n\nFRY\nLeela? What are you guys doing here\nin the year 4000?\n\nLEELA\nIt's not the year 4000.\n\nBENDER\nYou were only frozen for two days. Uh,\nby the way, I broke your bed.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou were in Pauly Shore's tube and they\nwere delivering it to his movie screening.\n\n[He points to the sign on the theatre; \"Jury Duty II: Trouble\nOn The Hubble Starring Dr. Paul Shore. 1000th Anniversary Gala!\"]\n\nLEELA\nBut, when they noticed you weren't him,\nthey chucked you in a ditch.\n\nFRY\nSo you're saying these aren't the decaying\nruins of New York in the year 4000?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou wish! You're in Los Angeles!\n\nFRY\nBut there was this gang of 10-year olds\nwith guns.\n\nLEELA\nExactly: You're in L.A.\n\nFRY\nBut everyone is driving around in cars\nshooting at each other.\n\nBENDER\nThat's L.A.. for you.\n\nFRY\nBut the air's green and there's no sign\nof civilisation whatsoever.\n\nBENDER\nHe just won't stop with the social commentary.\n\nFRY\nAnd the people are all phoneys. No one\nreads. Everything has cilantro on it\n- Michelle, baby!\n\nMICHELLE\nIt's not working out, Fry.\n\n[The limo drives away. Pauly Shore pokes his head out of the\nsunroof.]\n\nSHORE\n(shouting) Tis better to have loved\nand lost, n'est ce-pas?\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Fry looks out of the window as the ship flies\nback to New New York.]\n\nFRY\nThat's it. I've had it with women. From\nnow on, I'm concentrating on my career.\nCan I have my old job back?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy, I've forgotten why I even fired\nyou.\n\nBENDER\n'Cause he destroyed your business, your\nhome and all your possessions.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, that's right. Get lost.\n\n[He pulls a lever and the floor opens up beneath Fry. He falls\nout of the ship and screams.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Parasites-Lost.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 304\n\n\"PARASITES LOST\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: If Not Entertaining, Write Your Congressman.]\n\n[Outside Greasy Sue's Truck Stop. The Planet Express ship flies\nalong the Historic Root 66 - a space road. C.W. McCall's Convoy\nplays. The ship leaves the space lane and heads for the truck\nstop and flies through the airlock.]\n\n[Cut to: Greasy Sue's Truck Stop Forecourt. The ship lands.]\n\nMAN #1 [ON RADIO]\nBreaker breaker, this is the Duck. Uh,\nyou wanna back off them hogs?\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela gets the Dark Matter fuel pump and starts\npumping it into the ship.]\n\nMAN #1 [ON RADIO]\nTen-four, five miles or so.\n\nMAN #2 [ON RADIO]\nTen, roger!\n\nLEELA\nHmm, I'd better check the fluid levels.\n(shouting) We're OK on Coke syrup.\n\n[Bender puts an Ethanol & Tonic pump into his mouth and use his\nfingers as a lighter to light a cigar. His fingers won't work\nthough.]\n\nBENDER\nOh man, come on! Comin' through!\n\n[Cut to: Greasy Sue's Truck Stop Men's Room. Fry wanders in and\nsees a dispenser. He decides to get a \"Fresh\" Egg Salad Sandwich.\nHe inserts 25 cents and the sandwich comes out.]\n\n[Cut to: Greasy Sue's Truck Stop Forecourt. Leela puts the dark\nmatter pump back and Fry starts up the ship's steps with his\nsandwich.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat's that black cracker?\n\n[Fry eats it.]\n\nFRY\nA tomato.\n\nLEELA\nYou're not gonna eat a sandwich from\na truck stop men's room are you?\n\nFRY\nEh, what's the worst thing that could\nhappen? Ugh, it's like there's a party\nin my mouth and everyone's throwing\nup!\n\n[Leela picks up a windscreen mop and flies up to the windscreen\non a hover-cradle. She brushes of a spacefly, a small ringed\nplanet and the Voyager space probe. Sal and a group of other\ntruckers watch her.]\n\nTRUCKER #1\nLooky there! It's one of them things\nlike on our mudflaps!\n\nTRUCKER #2\nYosemite Sam?\n\nSAL\nStands back! I'm gonna puts my moves\non her. Whoas!\n\nFRY\nThat jerk! No one hoots at my captain\nunless they're prepared to take it to\nthe next level!\n\n[He rolls up his sleeves and then he rolls up his trouser legs.]\n\nLEELA\nFry please. That's sweet but I'd rather\nnot even dignify them with an ass whooping!\n\nSAL\nHey sexy mama! Let's get busy and freaky\nin that order!\n\nFRY\nHey jumbo! How would you like it if\nLeela said you were sexy and she wanted\nto make love with you?\n\nSAL\nEh, I gots five minutes. She looks pretty\ngood for a truck stop chick!\n\n[The other truckers laugh.]\n\nFRY\nYou take that back! She does not look\ngood for a truck stop chick!\n\n[The truckers laugh harder. Leela cringes.]\n\nSAL\nYeah you're right. She don't gots enough\nmeat for a guy like me.\n\nFRY\nShe does too! She's loaded with meat!\nShe's got more meat than a cow! Ow!\n\n[The truckers laugh.]\n\nSAL (LAUGHING)\nMore meat than a cow!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch.]\n\nFRY\nI can't please Leela no matter what\nI do! I just want her to like me.\n\nBENDER\nWell there's always hope. C'mon we\ngotta go fix the plasma fusion boiler.\n\n[Planet Express: Basement. The boiler rocks and steam hisses\nfrom it. Fry and Bender walk down the steps and find Scruffy\n\"reading\" Zero-G Juggs.]\n\nBENDER\nWho are you?\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy. The janitor.\n\nBENDER\nWell why aren't you fixing the boiler?\n\nSCRUFFY\nSchedule conflict.\n\n[He thumbs through the magazine.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The boiler has stopped hissing. Bender uses his\narm to wrench the pipes tightly together.]\n\nBENDER\nThere. Fixed forever.\n\n[Part of the boiler flies off. Fry and Bender gasp. Steam starts\nfilling the room.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy's gonna die the way he lived.\nOh marmalade!\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the table with\na huge pipe sticking out of him. The crew are gathered around.\nEnter Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh the hypochondriac's back. So what\nis it this time?\n\nFRY\nWell my lead pipe hurts a little?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's normal. Next patient.\n\n[Sawing sounds come from the pipe and it suddenly breaks off\nleaving a hole through Fry's body. Bender peers through the hole.\nIt suddenly fills itself in. Everyone gasps in amazement.]\n\nBENDER\nHe's a witch!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFry, did you eat anything unusual recently?\n\nFRY\nNo.\n\nLEELA\nWhat about that bathroom egg salad from\nthe truck stop?\n\nFRY\nI've had better.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEgg salad? Hmm. Zoidberg will have to\nexamine your gastrointestinal tract.\nCome everyone, give Fry some privacy.\n\n[He walks out through a door and everyone except Fry and Zoidberg\nfollow. There is a large mirror next to the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Observation Room. The others walk into a darkened room\nand take a seat. The mirror in Zoidberg's office is a two-way\nmirror and they all look through and watch.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIf you can't see well enough through\nthe two-way mirror, there'll be a close-up\non this video screen.\n\n[The screen flickers on and a video picture of Fry's butt appears.]\n\n[Cut to: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg examines Fry's chest with\na stethescope. He hears the sound of a truck reversing and beeping.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHmm. We'll need to have a look inside\nyou with this camera. Guess again.\n\n[Fry realises where the camera is going to go and suddenly has\na worried look on his face.]\n\n[Cut to: Observation Room. The others are shovelling popcorn\nin their mouths and watching the goings on on the screen. Hermes\nscoops some popcorn out of the box with a Jai Alai scoop. The\ncamera pushes it's way up the end of Fry's digestive tract.]\n\nAMY\nGross!\n\n[The camera continues burrowing through Fry's guts and the mesmerised\ncrew tilt as the camera moves from side to side.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWatch for any subtle irregularity in\nFry's bowel.\n\n[The camera pushes through a finds a subtle irregularity. A miniature\ncity in Fry's bowel made from cutlery he has been eating. Lights\ntwinkle on buildings and a monorail goes past.]\n\nAMY\nIt's gorgeous. That place used to be\na big dump.\n\n[On the screen little worms appear on the top of the buildings.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, eww!\n\nAMY\nWorms? Eww! Puke-a-tronic!\n\nLEELA\nSo the eggs in that egg salad sandwich\nwere -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCorrect! Worm eggs! And the mayonaise\nwas probably none too fresh either.\n\n[Enter Zoidberg who looks on the screen.]\n\nHERMES\nIt's nauseating man! Is there no way\nto get rid of the disgusting maggots?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOnly one. We'll have to travel deep\ninside Fry, in this!\n\n[He pulls a sheet off a table. In the middle of the table is\na tiny green speck. The crew step closer to get a better look.\nFarnsworth holds a magnifying glass over the speck and reveals\nit to be a miniaturised version of the Planet Express ship.]\n\nBENDER\nShotgun!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender, Hermes and Amy look\ninside some rucksacks as Farnsworth speaks to them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIn each gastro-survival kit, you'll\nfind a rain slicker, a disposable fun\ncamera, and something to protect you\nagainst bacteria.... - a harpoon!\n\n[Pullback to reveal the trio are tiny droid versions of themselves\nstanding on a glove of a net suit suit Farnsworth is wearing.\nThe real Hermes and Amy also wear net suits suits while Bender\nis directly hooked into the system.]\n\nBENDER\nYo, old guy. Why do we have to use those\ntiny micro-droids? Can't you just shrink\nus?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my no. That would require extrememly\ntiny atoms. And have you priced those\nlately? I'm not made of money - leave\nme alone!\n\nZOIDBERG\nMe next!\n\n[He steps into a platform next to a machine. A huge ring rises\nfrom the platform and scans Zoidberg. The machine beeps and a\nsmall egg like those ones you get little toys in comes out the\nother side. Zoidberg pulls the top off the egg. Inside is the\nZoidberg-droid. Farnsworth picks it up and puts it on his glove.\nHis own droid walks towards the group .]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnyhoo, your net suits will let you\nexperience Fry's worm-infested bowels\nas if you were actually wriggling through\nthem.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere's no part of that sentence I didn't\nlike.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The big table is empty. But...]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIs everyone present?\n\nAMY\nRight on!\n\nBENDER\nUh-huh.\n\nHERMES\nDefinately.\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes.\n\n[On the big table is a little big table which the miniaturised\ncrew are sat around.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHeres the plan: We'll enter the ear,\ndrip down the back of the throat and\nmake for the bowel. There, we'll irritate\nthe pelvic splachnic ganglion and cause\nan intestinal spasm, expelling - among\nother things - the parasites.\n\n[The hologram shuts off.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll tell Fry to wash out - among other\nthings - his ear.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, Fry can't know anything about the\nmission. If he finds out, the worms\nwill try to defend themselves. They\nknow everything he knows.\n\nBENDER\nThey know how to make ice cream soup?\n\n[Farnsworth looks up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela, your role is to distract Fry\nso he doesn't notice what we're up to.\n\n[Leela is still her normal size though from the droids' point\nof view she is huge.]\n\nLEELA (ECHOING)\nCan do!\n\n[She salutes.]\n\nAMY\nLeela, you should really try a facial\nscrubs, for your pores.\n\n[Leela blows and Amy tumbles away from the table, screaming.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits at the table and drinks a can\nof Slurm. He throws the empty can behind him and picks up another\none of the four cans in front of him. Enter Leela. She points\nat something.]\n\nLEELA\nLook! A starling!\n\nFRY [LOOKING AWAY]\nReally?\n\n[Leela blows the Planet Express ship through a tube like a blow\ndart. It flies through the air and into his ear.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Ear. The ship struggles through a sea of earwax.\nAround it, earwax drips from the walls of the ear.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit. The Amy-droid pilots the ship\nwhile the other droids stand around.]\n\nAMY (WHISPERING)\nOK Professor.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry turns to Leela.]\n\nFRY\nWhat about what?\n\nLEELA\nUh...what if we go for a walk possibly\nbecause it's such a lovely day, perhaps.\n\nFRY\nI'd love to!\n\n[He puts his finger in his ear and wriggles it around.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Ear. Fry's finger closes in on the ship and the\ndroids scream from inside it.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit. The crew grab hold of things\nto keep them steady.]\n\nHERMES\nWe gotta get someplace where he won't\nstick his finger!\n\nBENDER\nIt's hopeless! Abandon ship!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWait, we just have to get past the eardrum!\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Ear. The ship cuts through the wax with Fry's\nfinger right behind them. The ship pops through the eardrum,\nleavin a hole behind. A worm on a crane repairs the hole quick\nas a flash.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Brain. Hermes and Farnsworth look out of the ship\nthrough the window.]\n\nHERMES [FROM SHIP]\nWhat are those worms doing to Fry's\nbrain?\n\nHERMES [FROM SHIP]\nMy God! Soon he'll be smarter than Cher!\n\n[Street. Fry picks some flowers from a stall.]\n\nFRY\nAh, the scent of a rose. Curious how\nan aromatic chain of hydrocarbons can\nevoke our deepest emotions. For you.\n\n[She takes them.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's such a beautiful thought Fry.\nAnd what's more amazing you expressed\nit without spewing crumbs at me!\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Nose. The ship speeds through the tunnels of Fry's\nhead.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBrace yourselves everyone. We're entering\nthe interior of Fry's nose!\n\nBENDER\nWe're at finger alert five.\n\n[A red light engulfs the room and an alarm wails.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLet's just pray nothing stimulates the\ndelicate smell receptors. (whispering)\nNobody make a smell.\n\n[Cut to: Street. Fry sniffs the flowers.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Nose. Balls of pollen fly up and batter the ship.\nThe crew scream from inside.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nQuick! We can escape through that nasal\ncapillary into the sinus.\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Nose. Amy turns the ship around and the ship heads\nfor the hole.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nHERMES\nStrange. Usually you don't know anything\nabout human anatomy.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI learned it from a decongestant commercial.\n(echoing) \"Soothing action, action,\naction action...\"\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Capillary. The ship moves through the tube between\ntwo red blood cells.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Vein. The ship is blown out of the capillary with\nthe blood cells and is battered around the tube.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit. The crew hold on tightly.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Heart. The ship flies into the relatively calm\neye of the storm. The heart beats around them and the ship glides\nthrough the heart with the red blood cells.]\n\n[Cut to: Minature Ship's Cockpit. Bender peers out through the\nwindow.]\n\nBENDER\nWhere are we, the ass?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe're in the heart. Better known as\n\"the love muscle.\"\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhere the food is digested.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe should be safe, just so long as nothing\nmakes it beat faster.\n\n[Cut to: Street. Fry and Leela look down at a puddle in the road\nnext to the kerb. Fry steps into it and holds out his hand to\nLeela. She smiles and take hold of it. Fry's heart starts beating\nfaster.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Heart. The heart beats faster and the ship is\nthrown around.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit: Bender throws his arms in\nthe air.]\n\nBENDER\nAbandon ship!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo! Set course for that cholesterol-encrusted\nvalve.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Miniature Ship. Zoidberg opens the turret hatch\nand scrapes cholesterol off the roof of the valve and spreads\nit on a cracker.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's good cholesterol but it spreads\nlike bad cholesterol!\n\n[He gobbles the cracker. The ship flies past worms who are busy\nscrubbing the valve.]\n\n[Fry's Muscles. The ship glides past some worms who are working\nFry's muscles while listening to music.]\n\nAMY [FROM SHIP]\nLook! They're jazzercising Fry's muscles!\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nHERMES\nHe'll be as strong and flexible as Gumbo\nand Hercules combined!\n\nZOIDBERG\nGumbercules? I love that guy!\n\n[Outside Construction Site. Fry and Leela walk down the street.\nLeela suddenly stops and groans.]\n\nLEELA\nUgh! It's that jerk from the truck stop!\nLet's cross the street and try to blend\nin with that crowd of pimps.\n\nFRY\nI don't think so. Sir, I believe you\nowe this lady an apology.\n\nLEELA\nFry no! He's bulging with what could\nbe muscles! Ooo!\n\nSAL\nI gots your apologys right heres! Sorrys\nma'am. I've learnsed a lesson about\nnot ogling cans that I won't soons forgets.\n\n[Fry's Stomach. The crew look through the ship's windscreen.]\n\n[The ship crosses a boundary and an alarm wails and red lights\nflash. Worm ships converge on the ship and open fire on it. The\nprojectiles just bounce off the ship's hull.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nBENDER\nAbandon ship!\n\n[He heads for the door but Hermes and Zoidberg restrain him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, don't give up now! we're but a stones\nthrow from the pyloric sphinchter.\n\n[He points to a hole in Fry's stomach.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Stomach. The worm ships continue firing and their\nammo still bounces off the ship. The hole begins to close.]\n\n[Cut to: Miniature Ship's Cockpit. The crew hold on as they are\nthrown around.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Stomach. The little ship goes most of the way\nthrough the hole but it closes around it. The worm's ammo pushes\nit through.]\n\nBENDER [FROM SHIP]\nHooray!\n\nZOIDBERG [FROM SHIP]\nHooray!\n\nHERMES [FROM SHIP]\nWe made it!\n\n[The momentum from the worm ships' engines propels them towards\nthe closed hole and they crash into it and explode \u00e0 la the alien\nships on the mothership in Independence Day.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Bowels. The ship races through the tunnels and\ncruises over the worm city. It lands.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew emerge from the ship with laser rifles.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere it is! The stately capitol of\nFry's bowel. A heavily guarded fortress\nsurrounding the pelvic splachnic ganglion.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI've heard of that, who said I haven't?!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIf we can stimulate that nerve, the\nbowel will convulse, expelling the entire\nworm society.\n\nHERMES\nBut what about the worms in the other\nparts of his body?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nListen, this is gonna be one hell of\na bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be\nlucky if he has any bones left!\n\nBENDER\nAll right, let's mush some worms!\n\n[He cocks his laser and fires on the worm building.]\n\n[Cut to: Worm Building Balcony. The worms' mayor runs out onto\nthe balcony and waves his arms around.]\n\nWORM MAYOR\nWorms to battlestations!\n\n[Worm soldiers lean out of windows with lasers and a firefight\nensues.]\n\n[Outside Coffee Shop. Fry and Leela sit at a table outside the\ncaf\u00e9 which is across the street from the Planet Express building.\nFry takes a sip of coffee. He picks a bit off his muffin and\ntosses it to some owls on the ground nearby. They hoot and eat\nit. Leela pours another cup of coffee for her and Fry. She smiles.]\n\nLEELA\nI had a great time today. The flowers,\nthe puddle, the way you hurt that guy.\nBut can I ax you something?\n\nFRY\nAnything.\n\nLEELA\nWhy did you do all that stuff?\n\n[Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, there's something I've wanted\nto tell you for a long time but every\ntime I try I get nervous and my mouth\nfeels like it's stuffed with peanut\nbutter, even when it's not.\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it? Is it about Bender?\n\nFRY\nNo, it's about you and me.\n\nLEELA\nAnd Bender?\n\nFRY\nBender's not involved. Leela...I love\nyou.\n\nLEELA\nYou do?\n\nFRY\nYes. But it's only recently I've been\nable to articulate my thoughts. I love\nyou Leela and I always have.\n\nLEELA\nFry, that's the sweetest, most wonderful\n- wait! Recently? Like since you ate\nthat toilet sandwich?\n\nFRY\nYeah! I don't know why but my life really\nturned around that day!\n\n[Leela thinks for a moment.]\n\nLEELA\nStay here.\n\n[She runs back inside the Planet Express building. Fry sighs\nand a waitress approaches with a jug of coffee.]\n\nWAITRESS\nFreshen your nocatina?\n\nFRY\nPlease......I need something to settle\nmy stomach.\n\n[Cut to: Worm Building. The crew sans Zoidberg have made it inside\nthe fortress and continue firing at the worm defence. They stop\nat a door.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe nerve is through here. Where's Zoidberg?\n\n[Enter Zoidberg riding one of Fry's sperm.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYippie-ki-yay! You'll never guess where\nI've been!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela scans herself on the\ndroid machine, leans out a window and blows her droid into Fry's\ncoffee cup across the street.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Coffee Shop. Fry takes a sip of his coffee.]\n\n[Pelvic Splachnic Ganglion Room. The crew are still outside.\nThere is the sound of a battering ram on the door.]\n\n[The door falls in. Bender is the battering ram! He rubs his\nhead.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere it is! The pelvic splachnic ganglion.\nTickle it and get ready for the ride\nof your lives!\n\n[Enter Leela with one arm behind her.]\n\nLEELA\nDon't even think about tickling that\nganglion!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela, you're just in time to help.\nIf we don't get rid of the worms now,\nthey'll burrow so deep into the bowel\nthat not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes\ncould dislodge them!\n\nHERMES\nI call it \"Carribean Drain-o\"!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFry will be stuck with the worms forever.\n\nLEELA\nPerfect.\n\n[She pulls an axe out from behind and chops off the Farnsworth-droid's\nhead. She smashes the rest of it's body up, spins around and\nknocks off the Zoidberg droid's head.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOuch!\n\n[She takes another swing at Hermes' head and with one swing,\nknocks off Bender's and Amy's heads. She continues smashing up\nthe pile of droid parts on the floor.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew flail around\non the floor in their net suits. Then take off their helmets.]\n\nAMY\nI'm OK.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLeela you ignorant dope! Now the worms\nwill be in Fry forever.\n\nLEELA\nSo? Did you ever stop to think that\nFry is better off with worms?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh that's stupid!\n\n[The door opens and Fry appears.]\n\nFRY\nIf anyone wants to tell me what's going\non here, I'll be in the lounge.\n\n[The door closes.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the big\ntable.]\n\nFRY\nOf all the parasites I've had over the\nyears, these worms are among the - hell!\nThey are the best! Leela, how can I\never repay you for saving them?\n\n[Leela trails her finger around the table.]\n\nLEELA (SEXFULLY)\nI'll think of something.\n\n[The gaze into each others eyes. Bender rubs his chin.]\n\nBENDER\n'Ello! What's all this then?\n\n[Leela's Apartment Building. Fry and Leela stand in a corridor\noutside Leela's apartment. She holds the flowers from earlier.]\n\nFRY\nApartment 1I. The old me would have\nmade a joke about that!\n\n[They walk in. Fry stops and stares in astonishment.]\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Living Room. The walls are white and there is\na single chair in the middle of the room facing a TV on the wall.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm thinking of having a window installed.\n\nFRY\nI think the view's perfect already.\n\nLEELA\nOh, that's the corniest thing I've ever\nheard! Let me show you the bedroom.\n\n[Fry holds her back.]\n\nFRY\nWait. In a minute.\n\n[They sit down. Fry pulls out a case and opens it. Something\nblue is inside.]\n\nLEELA\nA holophonor? Only a few people in the\nwhole universe can play that. And they're\nnot very good at it.\n\nFRY\nThey don't have you to inspire them.\n\n[He assembles the holophonoer and begins to play. The holophonor\nsounds a bit like a violin. A flare of blue-green light comes\nout of the end of the holophonor and swirls around above Fry\nand Leela's heads. The spiral opens out into an image of a formally\ndressed Fry and Leela dancing on the rings of a planet. They\ndance and the planet flies away into the distance. The image\nfades to the night sky of a planet. The clouds in the sky merge\ninto outlines of Fry and Leela. The outlines kiss and a flash\nradiates from their lips. The holophonor has changed to an undersea\nsetting. Two seals that look like Fry and Leela swim around with\neach other. They swim to the top of the sea and leap into the\nair beneath the full moon in the sky. A wave sweeps past the\nmoon and spills onto the shoreline. On the beach a clam shell\nopens and in it's pearl the formally dressed Fry and Leela dance\nsome more. Fry lifts Leela into the air and the pearl flashes\ninto hundreds of white sparks that fall around the mesmerised\nLeela's head. Fry's sonnet ends and Leela is speechless. She\ntakes Fry's hand and walks with him into the bedroom.]\n\n[Leela's Bedroom. Fry and Leela make out on her bed.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't have words to say how wonderful\nyou are Fry. I haven't felt this happy\nsince double-soup Tuesday at the orphanarium.\n\nFRY\nWhen I'm with you, everyday seems like\ndouble-soup Tuesday.\n\nLEELA\nOh Fry, I love what you've become.\n\n[She hugs him.]\n\nFRY\nWhat I've become.\n\n[He sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it?\n\nFRY\nThere's just something I have to find\nout.\n\n[He gets up and walks out of the apartment. Leela stands in her\nbedroom doorway and sadly watches him go.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry stands on the scanner\nplatform and the machine scans him. He takes his droid out of\nthe egg and drops it down the back of his trousers.]\n\n[Fry's Bowels. Fry's droid looks across at the Worm city and\nwalks towards the main building.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Worm Building. Guards surround him.]\n\nFRY\nWho controls this bowel?\n\nWORM GUARD #1\nWho wants to know?\n\n[Fry points at a gold statue of himself. Underneath the statue\nis the inscription \"The Known Universe.\" The statue is in the\nsame pointing pose as Fry is. The worms gasp and bow.]\n\n[Worm Building: Stately Room. The Worm Mayor sits on a throne\nand Fry stands before him with guards around him.]\n\nWORM MAYOR\nI am the Lord Mayor of Cologne.\n\nFRY\nYou mean colon?\n\nWORM MAYOR\nState your business!\n\nFRY\nYour excellency, have you ever been\nin love?\n\nWORM MAYOR\nNo. I thought I was once but then I\nremember our species reproduces with\na cloud of spores.\n\nFRY\nWell, a wonderful girl loves me. But\nI need to know if it's really me she\nloves, or just what you worms have made\nof me. That's why with all due respect,\nI'm asking you to leave.\n\nWORM MAYOR\nListen you, I was born here. I raised\na cloud of children here. My ancestors\ncame over here on the sandwich. No\none can make me leave!\n\n[He gets up off his throne and lunges at Fry. Fry ducks and grabs\na sword of the wall and begins fighting with the Worm Mayor.\nThe Worm Mayor backs him against an elevator. Fry hits the open\nbutton and they both go inside, still fighting.]\n\n[Cut to: Elevator. Fry closes the door, blocking out the other\nguards. He looks at the other buttons, Brain, Lungs, Liver, Ball\nRoom. He presses the brain button.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Brain. Worms continue to tune-up Fry's brain.\nThe elevator doors open and the Worm Mayor and Fry continue to\nfight. Worms head for the fight, drawing their spears. The Worm\nMayor grins as Fry is backed up against a nerve. He climbs the\nnerve and the worms follow him up. Fry reaches the top of the\nnerve and has nowhere left to go. He hold out his sword.]\n\nFRY\nEveryone out of my body or the brain\ngets it!\n\nWORM MAYOR\nHe's bluffing. No creature would willingly\nmake an idiot out of itself.\n\nFRY\nObviously you've never been in love!\nOw! Ow! Ow! Now, the hand-eye co-ordination\nlobe.\n\n[He cuts it and starts staggering around cutting some more nerves.\nHe batters the catwalk.]\n\nWORM GUARD #1\nStop it man!\n\n[Fry hits the catwalk again and it falls. The worms surround\nhim with their swords. He crawls into a corner.]\n\nWORM MAYOR\nYou've damaged your brain Universe,\nbut no more than a week of binge drinking\nor five minutes on a cell phone.\n\n[Fry stand up and draws his sword at another lobe.]\n\nFRY\nI was just working my way towards the\nmedulla oblongata - control centre of\nthe heart and lungs. And if I kill myself,\nyou die with me.\n\n[The worms scream.]\n\nWORM GUARD #2\nWait a minute man!\n\nFRY\nI hope Satan has a nice colon, 'cause\nthat's where you're gonna be living!\n\n[He holds his sword back over his shoulder, ready to cut the\nmedulla oblongata. The Worm Mayor stares in disbelief. Fry pulls\nback his sword and the Worm Mayor gives in.]\n\nWORM MAYOR\nStop! We'll leave. But one day you'll\nbe eating a fast-food burger and boom!\nYou'll be crawling with us again! Ever\nwonder what makes special sauce so special?\nYo!\n\n[He points at himself. He gestures to the worms and they leave.]\n\n[Leela's Bedroom. Leela is fast asleep on her bed. She is wearing\nsexy, near see-through underwear. On her face is an open book\ncalled True Stories Of Courageous Animals. She snores loudly.\nEnter Fry. She awakens.]\n\nLEELA\nFry? I missed you. Did you find out\nwhat you needed to find out?\n\nFRY\nI'm about to. Leela, let me play for\nyou one for time.\n\nLEELA\nYou don't have to do that. I'm still\nseduced from before.\n\nFRY\nPlease, it's important to me.\n\n[He plays. Rather than the soothing, romantic music that played\nearlier in the day, Fry now plays creepy, unromantic music. The\nswirls come from the end of the holophoner and the head of Frankenstein's\nmonster appears. He groans and screams then disappears.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's that supposed to mean?\n\nFRY\nI don't know. I got nervous and started\nthinking about neck bolts. Wow! Did\nyou see that vase break? It was all\nlike -\n\n[He makes smashy sounds. Horrified, Leela pulls the blanket around\nherself.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's happened to you?\n\nFRY\nNothing. I got rid of the worms.\n\nLEELA\nWhat? Why would you do that?\n\nFRY\nLeela, I had worms. I needed to know\nwho you loved. Me or them.\n\nLEELA\nWell...which of you wrote me that sonnet?\n\nFRY\nI did. I think. It was probably about\n50/50. But that's how I really felt\nabout you, I swear!\n\n[He reaches out to Leela but she moves back and sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't know.\n\nFRY\nPlease. Give me a chance to be romantic\non my own. I've got a baggy of massage\noil, and I'm gonna give you my super\nback rub, just like a I used to give\nAmy when I was going out with her, and\nshe always seemed... - Uh-oh!\n\n[She angrily holds out his holophonor to him.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Bender stands\nin the doorway of Fry's room wearing pyjama bottoms. Fry sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nSorry you struck out sausage link. If\nit's any consolation, my life is great!\nBabes! Bucks! I got it all!\n\nFRY\nWell, at least I learned Leela's a lost\ncause. I give up.\n\nBENDER\nThere you go! Goodnight. I gotta get\nup early to go parasailing with movie\nstars!\n\n[The door closes. Fry picks up a book called My First Holophonor\nand leans it up on a chair. He pulls the chair towards him and\nplays his holophonor. Smooth harmonic music comes from the holophonor.\nThe holophonor swirls form a pink ball in the air. A smile trickles\naround the ball. A single eye opens in the middle of it and some\npurple hair held up in a ponytail appears on top. Fry smiles\nat the image of his love and continues playing.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Amazon-Women-In-The-Mood.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 305\n\n\"AMAZON WOMEN IN THE MOOD\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Secreted by the Comedy Bee.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table\nfor Hermes' morning meeting. Nibbler licks himself in the middle\nof the table.]\n\nHERMES\nPeople, we got a problem: Little Nibbler's\nbeen coughing up hairballs.\n\nLEELA\nWell, so has Fry. What's the big deal?\n\n[Nibbler coughs up a huge one. In amongst the green gloop is\na white cane. Fry makes an impressed whistle.]\n\nFRY\nHe's got me beat!\n\nHERMES\nNow well all love Nibbler, so it's only\nfair that we all pitch in and clean\nit up together. Still, I propose we\nmake Zoidberg do it. All in favour?\n\n[Everyone except Zoidberg raises their hands.]\n\nLEELA\nYeah!\n\nBENDER\nAlright, yup.\n\nHERMES\nAll opposed? All abstaining?\n\n[Again no one votes. Leela taps Zoidberg on the shoulder.]\n\nLEELA\nDr. Zoidberg? Are you OK?\n\n[He keels over and rests on Fry's shoulder. Fry looks at him.]\n\nFRY\nHe's dead.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat?\n\nAMY\nOh no!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHe always seemed so full of life. Laughing,\nsinging, begging for scraps. And now\nthis.\n\n[He takes off his glasses and cries. The door opens and Zoidberg\nwalks in wearing a towel. But his body is white-pink and is wobbling\naround like lobster jelly.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhy with all the crying? So that's\nwhere I left my shell.\n\n[He wobbles over to the table. Leela picks up the shell.]\n\nLEELA\nI didn't know you could take this thing\noff.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt was starting to get a little cramped\nin there so I molted, why not? Ah, the\nfresh air feels good!\n\n[He wobbles around.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nStop doing that!\n\n[Zoidberg tucks his shell under his arm.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo long. I'm off to toss this old shell\nin the dumpster and maybe pick up those\npotato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.\n\nAMY\nThose were toenail clippings.\n\nZOIDBERG\nA feast is a feast.\n\n[He turns around and leaves. His shell has a huge hole down the\nback of it. As he walks out his towel falls off. The sound of\na phone ringing comes from the lounge.]\n\nAMY\nHey, that's my cellphone!\n\n[She runs off.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy runs in and picks her tiny\ncellphone up off the huge CellMate. She answers.]\n\nAMY\nHello? Hello? Who is this? Hello?\nHello?\n\n[They hang up and she curses. Leela walks in.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's wrong? Did you swallow your phone\nagain?\n\n[She sits down.]\n\nAMY\nSome guy's been calling and hanging\nup 10 times a day for a year.\n\nLEELA\nMen who call too much are the worst\n... I bet.\n\nAMY\nI just wish a decent guy would call\nme instead of this spleeze-ball who\nhas me too terrified to even answer\nthe phone. Hello?\n\n[The same heavy breathing comes from the other end again.]\n\n[Kif's Quarters. On the Nimbus, Kif sits on his bed holding the\nphone and trembling. He tries to say something but just gasps\nand stutters.]\n\nAMY\nHello? Is anyone there?\n\n[Kif hangs up.]\n\nKIF\nI love you. Why must I be such a coward?\n\n[He cries. Enter Zapp.]\n\nZAPP\nKif, I'm headed to the men's room and\nI'll be needing an attendant so-- Oh,\nI'm sorry. You're crying like a woman.\nIt's alright. I've always thought myself\nas a father figure to some of my more\npathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's\nrap.\n\n[He sits on Kif's bed. Kif sighs.]\n\nKIF\nWell, I'm in love with this girl--\n\n[Zapp bursts out laughing and pats Kif on the back.]\n\nZAPP\n(laughing) Oh, that's rich! (talking)\nGo on.\n\nKIF\nI met her a year ago...\n\n[Flashback. The Titanic escape pod flies away from the doomed\nship.]\n\nKIF\n(voice-over) ...when we were escaping\nfrom that cruise ship you piloted directly\ninto a black hole.\n\n[Amy and Kif watch from the escape pod as the Titanic is sucked\ninto the black hole.]\n\nZAPP\n(voice-over; proud) Yes! It was in all\nthe papers.\n\n[Back on Earth the escape pod has landed outside the Planet Express\nbuilding. Bender dumps the Countess De La Roca's fake bracelet\nin a bin and walks into the building with the other staff. Amy\nkisses Kif and gives him her number.]\n\nAMY\nCall me.\n\n[Kif takes the paper and she goes inside. He trembles and gasps\nand breathes heavily some more.]\n\n[Flashback ends. Zapp goes along with the story.]\n\nZAPP\nUh-huh, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, uh-huh.\n\nKIF\nI've finished talking, sir.\n\n[Zapp sees something on Kif's wall.]\n\nZAPP\nBelay that remark! Your Amy knows my\nLeela? I have formed an idea!\n\n[Nimbus Bridge. Leela is on the viewscreen, Zapp is in his chair\nand Kif hides behind it. Amy walks in behind Leela.]\n\nZAPP\nI'm calling to negotiate a double date.\nYou and me, Kif and Amy.\n\nLEELA\nForget it.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. She turns away from the\nscreen.]\n\nZAPP\nThen let the negotiations begin. I\npropose we go out on 10 dates.\n\nLEELA\nHow about zero?\n\nZAPP\nNine.\n\nLEELA\nZero.\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nZAPP\nSeven.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nLEELA\nZero.\n\nZAPP\nEight?\n\n[Amy leans down at Leela's side.]\n\nAMY\n(whispering) Please, Leela? Kif's like\nthe sweetest guy who's ever liked me.\n\nZAPP\nFive, and that's my final offer ...\nfour.\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nOne.\n\nZAPP\nTwo.\n\nLEELA\nOne half.\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nZAPP\nI'll take it.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nZAPP\nWe'll meet you tonight for part of\ndinner and the first half of a movie.\n\n[He hangs up and Amy grins.]\n\n[Le Palm D'Orbit Coat Check. Le Palm D'Orbit is a restaurant\norbiting a big, green planet. The main part of the restaurant\nlooks like the Encounter Restaurant at Los Angeles airport. A\ncentipede-like alien leaves his coat at the coat check which\ncharges a 25 cent surcharge for every sleeve over nine. Zapp\nwalks in wearing his formal off-white DOOP uniform. Kif wears\na tie and jacket over his regular velour uniform and carries\nsome flowers and a box of chocolates.]\n\nKIF\nUm, sir? I don't go out on many dates\nand, um, what if I can't think of anything\nto say?\n\nZAPP\nHere's my personal book of pickup lines.\nSay as many of them as you can as fast\nas you can. Don't stop for any reason.\n\nKIF\nMaybe I'll just give her these flowers.\n\n[Zapp takes them and hits Kif with them.]\n\nZAPP\nWrong, wrong, wrong! And what's that?\nCandy? Candy's for dorks! Give me that.\nMmm!\n\n[Le Palm D'Orbit. The restaurant pilot is also the maitre d'.\nHe takes his hands off the wheel to hand some people a menu.\nAmy and Leela are already at the table. Amy wears a light blue\ndress and Leela wears her black jacket. Zapp and Kif arrive.]\n\nZAPP\nHello, beautiful. I got these for you.\n\n[He hands her Kif's flowers and sits down.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks.\n\n[She sets fire to them and puts them in Zapp's glass of water.]\n\nZAPP\nWell, well. This looks to be one disturbingly\nerotic date.\n\nLEELA\nHalf-date.\n\nZAPP\nWaiter, bring us a bottle of wine.\n\nLEELA\nHalf-bottle.\n\nZAPP\nAnd some oysters on the half-shell.\n\nLEELA\nQuarter-shell.\n\nKIF\nOh, and I'd like--\n\n[Zapp puts his hand over Kif's mouth.]\n\nZAPP\nKif's not hungry. (quietly) Kif, this\nplace is expensive. (talking) I'd like\ntwo steaks and the ladies will have\nsome very sensual salads -- with low-cal\nsensual dressing.\n\n[Amy smiles at Kif and he giggles.]\n\n[Time Lapse. It's Kareoke Night at the restaurant and Morbo sings\nLipps Inc's Funkytown.]\n\nMORBO\n(singing) Oh, won't you take me to funkytown,\n\nOh, won't you take me to funkytown.\n\n[The song ends and the audience applauds.]\n\n(talking) Thank you.\n\n[At the table the meals have arrived.]\n\nAMY\nKif, you're so quiet. You haven't said\na word all night.\n\nKIF\nWell, um, um ... hello.\n\nAMY\n'Cause I was really hoping we could\ntalk and stuff.\n\n[Kif stutters and gasps then drinks a glass of wine and takes\nout Zapp's book. Zapp smirks and picks his teeth with a toothpick.]\n\nKIF\nAmy, (reading) if I said you had a beautiful\nbody would you take your pants off and\ndance around a little?\n\nAMY\nWhat?!\n\nLEELA\nLieutenant Kroker!\n\n[Zapp winks at Kif and gives a thumbs up. Kif gasps and reads\nsome more.]\n\nKIF\n(reading) I find the most erotic part\nof the woman is the boobies\n\nAMY\nKif!\n\nKIF\nOh, my!\n\n[Leela stands up.]\n\nLEELA\nThis half-date is entirely over. Amy?\nConference!\n\n[They walk away and Kif groans.]\n\nKIF\nIs there nothing we can do, sir?\n\nZAPP\nThere's only one sure-fire way back\ninto a woman's heart and parts beyond.\nI speak of course, of kareoke.\n\nKIF\n(determined) My years in the DOOP Boys'\nChorus will not have been in vain!\n\n[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit Women's Room. Leela and Amy apply lipstick\nwith a handy device that doesn't touch their lips.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, enough lipstick. Let's storm\nout.\n\n[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. They walk out of the women's room and\nnotice Kif starting to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The\nHeart.]\n\nKIF\n(singing) Once upon a time I was falling\nin love,\n\nBut now I'm only falling apart...\n\nAMY\nOh, that's so emotional!\n\nKIF\n(singing) ...There's nothing I can do,\n\nA total eclipse of the heart--\n\n[Zapp walks onto the stage and pushes Kif aside. Kif drops the\nmic and Zapp catches it and spins it around.]\n\nZAPP\nAmateur hour's over. Let me show you\nwhy they call me \"The Velour Fog\"! Hit\nit!\n\n[The jukebox changes to some different music. Zapp smokes a cigarette\nand starts singing The Kinks' Lola.]\n\n(spoken-word) I met her in a club down in old Soho,\n\nWhere you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola,\n\nC-O-L-A .. .Cola.\n\nMAN\nAw, give us a break!\n\nWOMAN\nGet off!\n\nCHEF\nHe sickens me!\n\nZAPP\n(spoken-word) She walked up to me and\nshe asked me to dance,\n\nI asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said\n\n(singing) Leela!\n\nL-E-E-L-A, Leela!\n\nLee-Lee-Lee-Lee-Leela!\n\nBa-ba-ba-dum-ba-dum-bum!\n\n[People get out of their seats and run around screaming.]\n\nLeelaaa!\n\n[He breaks the glass and a man presses a button for the emergency\nescape pods. People spill into them.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The escape pods eject and fly\noff into space.]\n\n[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. Zapp finishes singing. The restaurant\nis deserted.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're going home. Call us a space taxi.\n\nZAPP\nNo need. There's not a restaurant built\nI can't fly. Where to, ladies?\n\nKIF\nPlease, sir. Let's just divide up the\ncheck and--\n\n[Zapp starts pressing buttons on the steering controls.]\n\nZAPP\nLet's see what this eatery can do.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The headlights and indicators\nflash, the windscreen wipers swish back and forth and windows\nopen and close. The restaurant blasts forwards and knocks a few\nships away from the car park.]\n\n[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit.]\n\nZAPP\nAh, she's built like a steakhouse, but\nshe handles like a bistro. She's out\nof control!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit.]\n\nZAPP\n(from inside) You win again, gravity!\n\n[Everyone screams as the restaurant tumbles towards the green\nplanet.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The next day, Fry, Bender and Hermes\nsit watching TV. Zoidberg walks in still without a shell and\ncarrying a purple J. Crab catalogue.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLook what arrived: My new shell catalogue.\nSo let's try some on already! Ah! Muy\nmacho! Hey, gringos! Here comes El Zoido\nto ruin your drinking water!\n\n[He points claws at them like guns and imitates gunfire.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I\nfind that offensive.\n\n[He opens his chest cabinet. \"Hecho En Mexico\" is etched on the\ninside of his door. He closes it and it falls off.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou Latins are so hot-blooded! This\none's like a summer guy!\n\n[He turns around revealing his lobster ass.]\n\nHERMES\nLook, you fat fish. The Planet Express\nhealth plan only covers one kind of\nreplacement shell.\n\n[He changes the shell to a simple white shell with a barcode\nand \"Shell\" printed on it. Zoidberg groans and Hermes closes\nthe catalogue. Zoidberg wobbles out towards the meeting room.]\n\nFRY\nI can't believe Leela and Amy aren't\nback yet from their half-date. I'm gonna\ncall the restaurant.\n\n[He picks up the phone and dials Le Palm D'Orbit. The dial tone\nchanges to the \"unavailable\" beeps.]\n\nOPERATOR\nThe number you have dialled has crashed\ninto a planet. Please make a note of\nit.\n\n[Fry and Bender gasp. Fry gets up.]\n\nFRY\nWe gotta go rescue them!\n\nBENDER\nEh, I don't know.\n\nFRY\nBender! Think of the se\u00f1oritas!\n\n[Bender leaps up.]\n\nBENDER\nV\u00e1monos!\n\n[Planet Surface. Kif, Amy, Zapp and Leela sit amid the burning\nwreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit.]\n\nKIF\nSo, Amy, um, well--\n\nAMY\nIt's always a line with you!\n\nLEELA\nWhat planet is this anyway?\n\nZAPP\n(mumbling) I 'unno. (talking) This whole\nsector is uncharted.\n\nKIF\nIt is not uncharted, you lost the chart!\n\nZAPP\nWell, nothing to do now but repopulate\nthe human race. Just me and you! (whispering)\nAnd maybe you.\n\n[Crashing sounds come from the woods around them and the ground\nstarts to shake.]\n\nAMY\nWhat is it?\n\n[She looks at the water in her cup which ripples like the glass\nof water in Jurassic Park. Leela watches a puddle ripple and\nit gives the impression that she has two eyes. Zapp's gut jiggles.\nThey all tremble and hide behind a piece of wreckage. Growling\ncomes from the woods and a huge foot stomps on the group's campfire.\nThe foot belongs to a huge woman -- an Amazonian. Her name is\nKug and she has a blue hairdo and wears very little. Two others\nare with her: Ornik, a darker Amazonian with dreads and Tonk,\na blonde.]\n\nKUG\nMe hear people. But me not see people.\n\nTHOG\nNo big deal. Everybody make mistake.\n\n[They turn to leave. Leela gestures for Amy and Kif to keep quiet.\nZapp peers over the top of the wreckage with a big grin on his\nface. He turns on the charm.]\n\nZAPP\nWell, hello! I usually don't say this\nbut you are the most beautiful trio\nof gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes\non. (reading) I find the most erotic\npart of a woman is the boo--\n\n[Kug grabs him by the head and drags him away. Ornik drags Kif\nby his feet and Tonk carries Amy and Leela over her shoulders.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies erratically towards Amazonia.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender runs around panicking while Fry\nsteers wildly and presses random buttons. Alarms wail.]\n\n[Cut to: Amazonia Surface. The ship flies towards the smoking\nwreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit and smacks down onto the ground,\nthe landing gear lowering just a little too late. Fry and Bender\nrun down the steps and see the wreckage.]\n\nFRY\nOh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy?\n\nBENDER\nNo. But what do you make of this?\n\n[He picks up a giant hairclip.]\n\nFRY\nI don't know. But it might have something\nto do with this.\n\n[He holds up a huge can of Tab.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender peers through some huge grass blades and\ngasps.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, your God!\n\n[Fry looks through the grass. In front of them several Amazonians\nhave gathered. Kug, Thog and Ornik lead Amy, Leela, Zapp and\nKif into a ring at the front of the crowd. Around them is an\nAmazonian city, with buildings made of wood and straw.]\n\nKUG\nMove! Go!\n\nFRY\nAlright, here's the plan--\n\n[Something grunts.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat kind of moronic plan is that?\nWow!\n\n[The Amazonian hits them with her club.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Bender are in chains with Zapp and Kif.\nLeela and Amy are freed.]\n\nTHOG\nWomen go free. Men stay in chains.\n\nORNIK\nWe take them to our leader. She know\nwhat do.\n\nFRY\nPfft. A female leader?\n\nLEELA\nFry, shut up.\n\nFRY\nYes, captain!\n\n[Amazonian City. The Amazonians lead Leela, Amy and the prisoners\npast the buildings.]\n\nTHOG\nThis capital city planet Amazonia.\n\nLEELA\nWhere are all the men in your society?\n\nORNIK\nMen die out many year ago.\n\nBENDER\nWith all these women around they were\nprobably nagged to death. Are you with\nme, fellas?\n\n[He, Zapp and Fry laugh. The women glare at them and they suddenly\nstop laughing.]\n\n[Outside Basketball Pitch. The group watch a woman bounce a basketball.]\n\nTHOG\nHere stadium, where our women basketball\nteams play.\n\nKUG\nWe no can dunk, but good fundamentals.\n\nORNIK\nThat more fun to watch.\n\n[Zapp, Fry and Bender laugh.]\n\nZAPP\n(laughing) Oh, God, you're killing me!\nOw! God, you're killing me!\n\n[Outside The Drollery Domicile.]\n\nTHOG\nThis our comedy club. Humour here funny\nin different way.\n\nORNIK\nIt not reinforce stereotypes.\n\nKUG\nComedy come from character, real situations.\nNot abstract craziness.\n\nBENDER\nTranslation: Boring! (laughing) That's\na good one! Ow!\n\nAMY\nThis women-only planet is sounding better\nand better.\n\nLEELA\nI'm already looking for apartments.\n\n[She looks through a free \"Westside Cave Rentals\" brochure.]\n\n[Outside Femputer Temple. The stone temple has a woman's face\ncarved into it and smoking boobies.]\n\nTHOG\nHere live vengeful, all-knowing leader.\nShe decide men's fate.\n\nFRY\nIs she hot?\n\nTHOG\nThat not important. She all-knowing.\n\nFRY\nIn other words, \"No\". Ow!\n\n[Femputer Temple. Leela, Amy and the Amazonians and their prisoners\nwalk into the dimly-lit building. Amazonians stand around the\nroom. Three Amazonians bow before a wall and the wall turns around\nrevealing a huge piece of technology with dials and flickering\nlights.]\n\nTHOG\n(chanting) All hail Femputer.\n\nKUG AND ORNIK\n(chanting) All hail Femputer.\n\nAMY\nYou all obey a big computer?\n\nKUG\nYes. It appear mysteriously just about\ntime men die out.\n\nLEELA\nSo why did you make it your leader?\n\nORNIK\nIt seemed like different kind of politician.\n\nKUG\nNot beltway insider.\n\n[Thog holds something up to the Femputer.]\n\nTHOG\nFemputer, we bring offering of bath\nbeads and scented soaps.\n\nFEMPUTER\nYour gift pleases Femputer. Femputer\ndemands to know why there are men on\nher planet.\n\nFRY\nIt was an accident, ma'am.\n\nFEMPUTER\nThat does not fempute. Femputer will\nreturn after deciding your punishment.\n\n[She spins around out of sight.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Kif, Zapp, Fry and Bender are shackled to the wall.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, I'm through making fun of women.\nNow I want them to help me.\n\nAMY\nShould we do something?\n\n[Ornik chokes Fry with a strap.]\n\nLEELA\nThere's no hurry.\n\n[Kug tightens the strap around Zapp's neck.]\n\nZAPP\nYes! A little tighter. Tighter. Perhaps\na hard spanking is in order? Too hard!\n\n[She turns to Amy and Leela.]\n\nKUG\nMen strange. You have them on your planet?\n\nLEELA\n(ashamed) I'm afraid so.\n\nKUG\nWhat they for? Oh, you mean \"snu-snu\".\n\n[The other Amazonians murmur.]\n\nTHOG\nWe hear tell men used for snu-snu. But\nall we have go on are ancient legend\nand subscription to Cosmo.\n\nZAPP\nJust FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.\n\nTHOG\nSilence. You want die like last men\nvisit Amazonia?\n\nFRY\nWhat'd they die of?\n\nKUG\nCrushed pelvises.\n\n[In the corner some happy little skeletons lie against the wall\nwith broken pelvises. One enjoyed himself so much he is still\nholding the cigarette.]\n\nFRY\nYes!\n\nZAPP\nOh, thank you, Lord in heaven!\n\n[The Femputer returns.]\n\nFEMPUTER\nAfter lengthy femputations, I, Femputer,\nhave decided the fate of the men. Femputer\nsentences them to death. By snu-snu!\n\nFRY\n(cheering) Yay!\n\nZAPP\n(cheering) Yeah! (talking) What are\nyou, gay?\n\nFEMPUTER\nDeath to the men. Death by snu-snu.\n\n[The prisoners whimper.]\n\nFRY\nAlthough the snu-snu part's gonna be\npretty good.\n\nZAPP\nBaby, it'll blow your mind.\n\nLEELA\nFemputer, be reasonable. Sure men are\nannoying and they wreck up whatever\nplanet they're in charge of. But most\nof these men are sorta my friends. They\ndon't deserve to die.\n\nFEMPUTER\nHmm. Perhaps men are not as evil as\nFemputer thinks.\n\nTHOG\nBut they make fun women's basketball.\n\nFEMPUTER\nWhat?! Did you explain how the women's\ngood fundamentals make up for their\ninability to dunk?\n\nORNIK\nYes. They still laugh.\n\nFEMPUTER\nThe men must die.\n\nBENDER\nToo true, Femputer. You're so wise.\nKill 'em all, I say. Good riddance!\nDid I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot.\nIt's an understandable mistake. You\ncan let me down now, thanks.\n\nKUG\nHe big jerk like man.\n\nBENDER\nI sure am. But check the crotch. Nothing.\n\nFEMPUTER\nVery well, release him. As for the others,\ntake them to the snu-snu chambers.\n\n[Kif's jaw drops in fear followed by Zapp's and Fry's. Zapp and\nFry change to happy smiling, then back to fear, then happy, then\nfear...]\n\n[Outside Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians carry Fry, Kif and\nZapp towards the snu-snu chambers under the moonlit sky.]\n\n[Snu-Snu Chambers. Fry, Zapp and Kif stand in their underpants\nwith their hands tied behind them and their feet bound. Several\nAmazonians have gathered to watch along with Amy, Leela and Bender.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I'll miss you, meatbag.\n\nLEELA\nMe too, meatbag.\n\nFRY\nGoodbye, friends. I never thought I\nwould die like this. But I'd always\nreally hoped.\n\n[Femputer gives instructions over the Sonya loudspeaker.]\n\nAMAZONIANS\n(chanting) Snu-snu, snu-snu, snu-snu!\n\n[Thog starts untying Kif's hands.]\n\nKIF\nAmy. Before I die, I have to tell you:\nI didn't mean to say those awful things\non our date. They were all Zapp's idea.\n\nAMY\nReally? Honest and true?\n\nKIF\nYes. And-And that person calling and\nhanging up, was me. I was just too nervous\nto say hello because I love you.\n\nAMY\nOh, Kif!\n\nTHOG\nIt Thog's first time. Be gentle!\n\n[She flings him over her shoulder and walks into the snu-snu\nchamber. Ornik and Kug drag Fry and Zapp into two other chambers.]\n\nLEELA\nWe've got to do something. Bender, maybe\nyou can interface with the Femputer\nand reprogram it to let them go.\n\nBENDER\nMaybe you can interface with my ass.\nBy biting it! Alright, I'll go!\n\n[He walks off mocking Amy's curse. Ornik and Kug walk out of\nthe chambers and two new women walk in. Fry and Zapp groan from\ninside then cheer.]\n\nFRY\n(from inside) Ooh! Yeah!\n\nZAPP\n(from inside) Oh, baby!\n\n[They groan and scream again.]\n\n[Outside Femputer Temple. Bender runs up one side and hides behind\none of the stone boobies. Two guards sit on the steps.]\n\nGUARD #1\nHow Tonk look?\n\nGUARD #2\nTonk look good. Me fat.\n\nGUARD #1\nNo, you look good. Tonk fat.\n\n[Bender mocks them with the yack-yack gesture. They walk down\nthe steps and Bender sneaks inside.]\n\n[Cut to: Femputer Temple. The Femputer is facing outwards.]\n\nFEMPUTER\nIntruder! Stay away from the mighty\nFemputer! Guards!\n\nBENDER\nTime to override the CPU and reprogram\nthis Femputer.\n\n[He takes out a pipe and starts hitting the Femputer.]\n\nFEMPUTER\nHey, whoa, whoa! Stop it! Stop it! Hey,\ncut that out!\n\n[A panel falls down revealing a hollow section of the Femputer\nwith a bed, a curtain and lots of levers. Also a Fembot.]\n\nFEMBOT\nCease hitting Femputer!\n\n[She turns around and sees Bender and screams.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're no Femputer, you're a Fembot!\n\nFEMBOT\n(ashamed) It's true. I disguised myself\nas a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians.\n\nBENDER\nBut why?\n\nFEMBOT\nWhy? Why? I came here from a faraway\nplanet. A planet ruled by a chauvinistic\nManputer that was really a Manbot. Have\nyou any idea how it feels to be a Fembot\nliving in a Manbot's Manputer's world?\n\nBENDER\nWhat?\n\nFEMBOT\nAnd now, my meddling Manbot, there's\nthe question of what to do with you!\n\n[She narrows her eyes and moves towards him. He backs away, waving\nhis arms and panicking.]\n\n[Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians are queued up waiting for their\nsnu-snu. Fry and Zapp walk out, gasping.]\n\nZAPP\n(gasping) We need rest. The spirit is\nwilling but the flesh is spongy and\nbruised.\n\nORNIK\nIt time snu-snu!\n\nFRY\nCan't we just cuddle? (screaming) Nooo!\n\n[She carries him inside. Kug picks up Zapp. He groans and she\ntakes him in.]\n\nLEELA\nWe can't wait for Bender. It's time\nfor a woman's touch. Yah! Hi-yah! Yah,\nyah yah!\n\n[An Amazonian picks her up by her ponytail, throws her on the\nfloor and sits on her. Amy walks past on stilts. She has put\na bone through her hair and torn her dress.]\n\nAMY\n(disguised, deeper voice) Me next snu-snu.\nOut me way.\n\n[She walks into a snu-snu chamber.]\n\n[Cut to: Kif's Snu-Snu Chamber. Thog looks under a bed.]\n\nTHOG\nWhere go beautiful man? Me want snu-snu!\n\n[She pokes him with a broom and he runs around the ceiling, his\nhands and feet sticking to it. Amy walks in. She sees Kif and\nThog and gasps. She jumps off the stilts and holds out her arms.]\n\nAMY\nKif! Jump!\n\n[He lands in her arms.]\n\nKIF\nMy hero!\n\n[They kiss and run.]\n\n[Outside Femputer Temple. Amy runs past the steps still carrying\nKif with the Amazonians chasing her.]\n\nTHOG\n(shouting) Me not get snu-snu! Get him!\n\n[They chase her around the side of the temple. Ornik, Kug and\nanother group of Amazonians block her path. She gasps and ducks\nthrough a crack in the wall.]\n\n[Cut to: Femputer Temple. Amy runs towards the Femputer and the\nAmazonians run in and corner her. Thog gets on her knees in front\nof the Femputer.]\n\nTHOG\nMighty Femputer. Small girl steal green\nkissy man. We kill her now?\n\nFEMBOT\n(from inside) Come back later. Leave\nme alone.\n\nBENDER\n(from inside) Yeah, get lost! (spookily)\nOoh! I'm a scary Femputer. Release the\nprisoners! (from inside) And bring\ngold. Lots of gold.\n\nTHOG\nGold? Why Femputer want gold?\n\nFEMBOT\n(from inside) You heard the man.\n\n[They giggle again. Amy and Kif smile and walk out.]\n\nBENDER\n(from inside) C'mon! Gimmie some of\nthat!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Zoidberg stand at the water\ncooler.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd that's how I got my new shell. It\nlooks just like the shell I threw out\nyesterday and I found it in the same\ndumpster, but this one had a live raccoon\ninside. Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?\n\nHERMES\nStick to someone else, you windy barnacle\u00ac\n\n[Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sat at the table.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's funny how the battle of the sexes\nwas only resolved when a Manbot and\na Fembot realised they loved each other.\n\nBENDER\nYeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm\nnot here. All I know is this gold says\nthat was the best mission ever!\n\n[He closes his door. Inside and on the table are big bars of\ngold. On the couch Kif yawns and puts his arm around Amy. She\ngiggles.]\n\nAMY\nIt sure was.\n\n[Fry and Zapp stand nearby in body casts and leaning on crutches.]\n\nFRY\nOh, yeah!\n\nZAPP\nI had snu-snu!\n\nKIF\nSo, um, Amy, w-what do you wanna do\nnow?\n\n[Amy whispers something in his ear and smiles. He gasps and stutters.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Bendless-Love.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 306\n\n\"BENDLESS LOVE\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Torn From Tomorrow's Headlines.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors are open and the launching\nmechanism raises the ship into the launch position.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The crew are sat at their stations.]\n\nLEELA\nGuidance system?\n\nBENDER\nOnline.\n\nLEELA\nAutopilot?\n\nAUTOPILOT\nPresent.\n\nLEELA\nDark matter indicator?\n\nFRY\nMaking the noise.\n\nLEELA\nAll systems operational. Let's rock!\n\n[She pushes the gear lever forward.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The engines fire up.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off and the engines\nsuddenly shut down. The ship falls onto the road and the landing\ngear pops out. Motorists honk their horns as the crashed ship\ncauses a traffic jam.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Bender, Zoidberg and Hermes\nsit around the table. Leela stands holding a thick folder.]\n\nLEELA\nGentlemen, I've completed my report\non the crash.\n\n[She drops the thick file onto the table and everyone stares\nat it.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa! I'm not reading that crap. Summarise\nit in one word.\n\nLEELA\nSabotage. This is a normal L-unit.\nWithout it, space travel is but the\nfevered dream of a madman.\n\nFRY\nYep.\n\nBENDER\nOf course.\n\nZOIDBERG\nDoy!\n\nHERMES\nIt's an important unit.\n\nLEELA\nAnd this, my friends, is the L-unit\nI just removed from the ship.\n\n[She pulls a sheet off an L-unit. It is straight. Everyone gasps.]\n\nFRY\nThat doesn't look like an \"L\" at all.\nUnless you count lowercase.\n\nBENDER\nYou know we don't!\n\n[He slaps Fry and he groans.]\n\nLEELA\nWhoever did this was strong. This is\n340 pounds of Tonka-tough steel.\n\n[Bender stands at her side and picks up the L-unit.]\n\nBENDER\nHmm. It should look like this. But\ninstead it looks like this.\n\n[He straightens it again.]\n\nFRY\nWho would do a thing like that?\n\nBENDER\nWho could do a thing like that? And\nby \"that\", I mean this.\n\n[He bends the L-unit back and forth repeatedly.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell, gang, it looks like we have another\nmystery on our hands.\n\nHERMES\nI'd better make a chart of the suspects.\nI'll begin by drawing a line with my\nstraight-edge. Sweet lampre of Santa\nFe! My edge has been bent!\n\n[Amy walks in wearing Mars University sweats.]\n\nAMY\n(crying) My javelin too! It's ruined.\nNow we'll never beat Jupiter State.\n\nZOIDBERG\nMy slinky! My cuddly, little pet slinky!\n\n[He cries. Farnsworth walks in. He has been bent forward so his\nback is horizontal and his face is pointing downwards.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat's all the hubbub?\n\nLEELA\nMy God! Even the Professor's been bent.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat you for your sympathy, talking\nsquare of linoleum.\n\nBENDER\nI'll get you fixed up. That's fine.\n\nAMY\nWait a minute. Bender? What did you\njust do to the Professor?\n\nBENDER\nI bent him.\n\n[More gasps.]\n\nAMY\nAha!\n\nHERMES\nBender!\n\nZOIDBERG\nJ'accuse!\n\nBENDER\nOh, I see. A bunch of stuff gets bent\nso it must be the robot designed for\nbending.\n\nHERMES\nI know how to settle this: We'll check\nlast night's surveillance tapes.\n\nFRY\nHuh?\n\nAMY\nWhat tapes?\n\nLEELA\nSurveillance?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou've seen me naked?\n\n[Planet Express: Surveillance Room. Hermes presses a button and\na panel in the wall slides up, revealing several screens and\nrows of tapes. Hermes runs his finger across the tapes.]\n\nHERMES\nAh. Last night's tape. It was right\nnext to Bathroom Bloopers 4.\n\n[Bender takes the tape and puts it in the VCR. On the screen\nFarnsworth snores in his apartment lounge. Owls wander out of\nan owl hole and start pecking the floor.]\n\nBENDER\nSee? Nothing. Told you, losers.\n\n[Bender walks in on the screen with his arms outstretched.]\n\nFRY\nWait! There on the screen. It's that\nguy you are.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm sleepwalking.\n\n[Farnsworth watches a little TV monitor attached to his head.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear God! We've got robots on the ceiling.\n\n[On the screen Bender mumbles in his sleep. He bends a column\nand the staff gasp. Then he bends a sofa cushion, a plant and\neventually Farnsworth, who groans but remains asleep. Bender\nturns around and bends the camera. The picture cuts to static.]\n\nFRY\nYou weren't sleepwalking. You were sleep-bending!\n\nBENDER\nThis is quite a shock. On the other\nhand, it's not surprising in the least.\nAfter all, I've been bending since the\nday I was built.\n\n[Flashback. Large robotic arms assemble a bending unit on a conveyor\nbelt.]\n\nBENDER\n(voice-over) I was born on an assembly\nline in the bad part of Tijuana.\n\n[A robotic arm selects a bending unit head from a box filled\nwith other robot heads, including Flexo's. It screws the head\nonto the body and Bender opens his eyes.]\n\nBENDER\nMama. Hooray! I graduated! Time to\nbend around Europe for a few months,\nthen get a job bending.\n\n[He bends his diploma.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nAMY\nYou remember your own birth?\n\nBENDER\nSure. It was only four years ago.\n\nFRY\nYou're only four years old?\n\nBENDER\nPrecocious little scamp, ain't I?\n\n[He takes a puff from a cigar.]\n\nLEELA\nHmm. Bender must have a pent-up need\nto bend that's not being satisfied by\nhis bend-free lifestyle.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThen he can't stay here. He's a menace\nto every straight person in the company.\nGo satisfy your bend lust and don't\nyou come back to work until you do.\n\n[He puts his hand up and tips backwards.]\n\n[Outside Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. Robots have formed a picket\nline outside.]\n\nROBOTS\n(chanting) No more bending, no more\nwork. Give us a raise, you big fat jerk.\n\n[Sal leans out of a window.]\n\nSAL\n(shouting) Nevers!\n\n[A car pulls up next to the robots and Joey Mouse Pad leans out.\nHe whistles to them.]\n\nJOEY\nYo! The Mafia supports you. But don't\ntell no one. Spread the word.\n\n[He leans back in.]\n\n[Cut to: Mafiabot Car. Clamps and Donbot are with Joey.]\n\nDONBOT\nAs the duly-elected mobsters of this\nunion, it's our duty to support the\nstruggle of these proud, lazy slobs.\n\nJOEY\nYeah, but what if management remains\nintragnizent?\n\nDONBOT\nFrom the context it is clear what you\nmean. In that case, Clamps may have\na little surprise for them.\n\nCLAMPS\nThe clamps! (unsure) Right?\n\n[Donbot nods and Clamps laughs maniacally.]\n\n[Outside Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. Bender arrives and sees\nthe robots.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, no! A strike? Now I'll never get\nto bend anything. Oh, woe is Bender.\n\nROBOT #1\nHang tough, brother. Management refused\nour demand to switch casual Friday to\nMonday.\n\nBENDER\nWhat?!\n\nROBOT #2\nAnd now they're hiring scabs at ten-\ntimes the normal wage.\n\nBENDER\nTen-times normal wage? I'll give those\njerks what for!\n\n[He walks straight through the fence towards the factory and\nthe robots cheer him on.]\n\n[Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. Bender shakes Sal's hand.]\n\nSAL\nWelcomes aboard, scab.\n\nBENDER\nGreat to be here.\n\nSAL\nCome on. I'll introduces you to your\nscab co-workers you'll be scabbing with.\nThis heres our scab foreman.\n\n[The bending unit turns around.]\n\nBENDER\nFlexo?\n\nFLEXO\nBender?\n\nBENDER\nHey, sorry you got sent to that South\nAmerican Turkish prison instead of me\non account of mistaken identity.\n\nFLEXO\nYou bastard! They treated me like an\nanimal and that's what I became! Nah,\nyou're alright. Good to see you, buddy!\n\n[They high-five.]\n\nSAL\nAnd heres another scab what also works\nhere: Angleyne.\n\n[Bender gasps and stares at the Fembot, blurry eyed. She is thin\nand has blonde hair.]\n\nBENDER\n(sexfully) Hello.\n\n[Angleyne smiles.]\n\nSAL\nHey, yous guyses wanna move that things?\n\n[Robots move a pane of frosted glass from in front of Angleyne,\nrevealing her to be more heavily-built than Bender thought.]\n\nBENDER\n(more sexfully) Hello!\n\n[Angleyne laughs croakily then coughs.]\n\n[Outside Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. The robots still march\nand chant.]\n\nROBOTS\n(chanting) Give us a raise you big fat\njerk.\n\n[Cut to: Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. A girder drops into Flexo's\nhands.]\n\nSAL\n(from outside) Nevers!\n\n[Flexo bends the girder and moves it aside. Bender stands in\nfront of him and bends a girder. Angleyne bends wires into wire\ncoat hangers. Bender gazes at her and sighs. A girder hits him\non the head.]\n\nBENDER\nOw! Um. Hi, Angleyne. Whatcha up to?\n\nANGLEYNE\nMaking hangers. Guidance counsellor\nsaid I had a knack for it.\n\nBENDER\nThat's cool, that's cool. So, um, uh,\nI was wondering if, y'know, it's cool\nif not, but, what are you doing after\nwork?\n\nANGLEYNE\nWhat I always do. Jack squat.\n\n[Bender chuckles.]\n\nBENDER\nMe too. Man, we have a lot in common,\nhuh?\n\nANGLEYNE\nWell we are made of virtually identical\ncomponents.\n\nBENDER\n(sexfully) Are you sure? Maybe I should\nsneak a peek at your access panel.\n\n[Angleyne holds up a leaflet.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nHey, according to the scab handbook\nthat's extremely inappropriate banter.\n(sexfully) And that's just the way I\nlike it.\n\n[Bender smiles.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Hermes tries to straighten his straight\nedge. Behind him the ship is a battered mess.]\n\nHERMES\nHaile H. Selassie!\n\n[He bends it straight. Beside him, Zoidberg has re-curled his\nslinky, though it doesn't really look right.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere, little friend. Good as new.\n\n[He strokes it and puts it atop a pile of books he has arranged\nlike stairs. He nudges the slinky and it flops down the books\nand bursts into flames. Zoidberg groans and bursts into tears.]\n\n[New New York City Street. Fry and Farnsworth walk down the rough\nstreet. Farnsworth is looking upwards and doesn't notice how\nbad the street and its inhabitants are.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat an exquisite day. That azure sky,\nthe verdant treetops. Those delightful\nbirds with their chirp, chirp, chirp\nand their tweet, tweet, splat.\n\n[They pass a dog leaving its mark on a fire hydrant and two hookers\nwearing jet packs.]\n\nFRY\nProfessor, I've never seen you so cheerful.\nWhat the hell's wrong with you?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm. I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing\nthings from a new perspective has reminded\nme of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new\nposture is causing blood to pool in\nthe back of my brain, resulting in a\nmild delirium. Incidentally, you have\na dime up your nose.\n\nFRY\nI wish! It's a nickel.\n\n[Outside Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. A new day dawns and Bender\npasses the picket line wearing a hardhat and carrying a lunchbox.\nHe waves his fist.]\n\nBENDER\nUnion forever! Lousy scabs! They can't\ndo those things! Et cetera!\n\n[Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant.]\n\nBENDER\nI bet watching me bend girders like\nthis turns your legs all rubbery.\n\nANGLEYNE\nWell my legs are made of rubber. And\nanyway, I am just as strong as you are,\nMac.\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah? Prove it. Here, let me help\nyou.\n\n[He puts his arms around her and together they bend the girder\ninto a heart shape. A few bars of Unchained Melody play as they\ngaze into each other's eyes. They lean in and kiss, and sparks\nfly.]\n\n[Montage: Bender and Angleyne date to American Breed's Bend Me,\nShape Me. At a fairground stall, Bender tries to knock down a\npile of bottles with a ball but repeatedly misses. Angleyne looks\naway in dismay so Bender throws the ball at the man in the stall,\nknocking him out. He takes a big stuffed pig and gives it to\nAngleyne then steals the man's wallet and they run off. Later,\nthey enjoy a boat ride on a lake. Bender's detached arms row\nthe boat and he and Angleyne cuddle. Still later, they ride a\ntandem through the park. Fry scoots alongside them using the\nProfessor as a bicycle and Hermes and Zoidberg hold some tape\nat the finish line. Fry and Farnsworth get ahead and Bender takes\na stick out of his chest cabinet and puts it between the spokes\nof Farnsworth's wheel, causing him and Fry to fly through the\nair. They land in a lake and Bender laughs as he and Angleyne\ncut through the tape.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Leela, Fry, Zoidberg,\nAmy and Hermes sit around the table. For some reason everyone\nexcept Farnsworth is tied to their chair and Leela's ponytail\npoints to her right.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy new bent outlook has completely re-energised\nme. I'm even dating a young Brazilian\nretired actress.\n\nFRY\nAlright!\n\n[Amy cheers.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSome say I'm robbing the cradle but\nI say she's robbing the grave.\n\n[Bender wanders in sideways. It turns out the meeting table has\nbeen stuck to the wall so Farnsworth can see everyone eye-to-eye.]\n\nBENDER\nHowdy, doodies. What's new?\n\n[He uses his suction feet to walk up the wall and sit in an empty\nchair.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI was just regaling your former co-workers\nwith a tale of bedroom antics, the likes\nof which--\n\nBENDER\nYeah, yeah! Big whoop! No-one cares.\nI got Bender-related news. I'm in love\nand I'm taking all my friends out to\ncelebrate.\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nAMY\nLet's get liquored up!\n\n[Bender walks down to the floor and everyone else falls out of\ntheir seats and land in a pile on the floor.]\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The evening's special is blackened leftovers.\nThe crew sit around a table and Farnsworth leans against it with\nhis legs behind him.]\n\nELZAR\nHey, look at this crowd. You guys gotta\ntry the pasta. It's got a real nice\nprofit margin. Bam! So, special occasion\ntonight?\n\nBENDER\nOh, Elzar, you'll never guess what's\nhappened?\n\nELZAR\nBam?\n\nBENDER\nI met the most dynamite ladybot.\n\nELZAR\nHey, that's terrific. To celebrate,\nI'm gonna stick seven copies of my latest\ncookbook on your bill.\n\n[He holds up his book, Three More Recipes and leaves.]\n\nBENDER\nBless you, sir.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo, Bender, tell us about this new girlfriend\nof yours.\n\nBENDER\nI intend to. Through the lost art of\nthe toast. To Angleyne, she's got it\nall. Looks, charm and the love of a\nfabulous bending robot.\n\nFRY\nShe sure does.\n\n[He points across the room. Bender turns and gasps. Flexo and\nAngleyne sit at a table laughing.]\n\nBENDER\nFlexo!\n\n[He picks up a baguette and tries to break it. Elzar walks past\nat the back of the room.]\n\nELZAR\n(shouting) Careful, that's a week old!\n\n[Bender grunts and the stick breaks, then his arms fall off.\nHe reattaches them and mutters to himself.]\n\nBENDER\nI finally meet a nice girl with a pair\nof legs that don't quit unexpectedly\nand that jerk Flexo steals her away?\nIt's time to kick some shiny, metal\nass. You degenerate hussy! I'm disappointed\nin you too, Angleyne.\n\nANGLEYNE\nBender, it's-it's not what you think.\n\nBENDER\nOh, God! Then it's worse than I think.\n\nANGLEYNE\nNow look, there is no reason to be upset.\nFlexo and I are divorced.\n\nBENDER\nDiv-- Huh?\n\nFLEXO\nWe're just havin' dinner 'cause we wanna\nstay friends.\n\nBENDER\nUh, I knew that. What I'm actually outraged\nby is your choice of wine. Really, it's\nthe steward's fault.\n\n[He smacks a passing steward.]\n\nSTEWARD\nExcellent choice, sir.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender paces backwards and forwards\nmuttering to himself. Fry and Leela sit on the couch and Farnsworth\nleans against it. Leela reads a book.]\n\nBENDER\n(muttering) That Flexo, I'm knockin'\nhim right on his butt. I can't believe\nthis.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nObsessing won't help, Bender. Take a\nlean back and enjoy life.\n\nBENDER\nI can't. My Fembot may be in love with\nanother Manbot.\n\nLEELA\nWell talk to her. Tell her about your\nfeelings in an open an honest way.\n\nFRY\nYeah. Either that or be a man.\n\n[Fry's and Bender's Lounge. At dusk, Bender paces around the\napartment while Fry trims a plant into the shape of the Planet\nExpress ship.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, I've constructed an elaborate lie:\nI'll call Angleyne while pretending\nto be Flexo, arrange a date, show up\ndisguised as him and catch her two-timing\nme with myself.\n\nFRY\nThat's thinkin' like a man.\n\n[Bender picks up the phone and dials.]\n\nBENDER\n(disguised voice) Hello? This is Flexo.\n\n[Outside The Hip Joint. A taxi flies towards the club and Bender\ngets out. It's Robot Nite and designated device drivers drink\nfree. Bender opens his chest cabient and sticks a goatee to his\nchin.]\n\nBENDER\nNow we'll see who loves whom.\n\n[He cackles and walks in.]\n\n[Cut to: The Hip Joint. Bender looks around and sees Angleyne\nat the bar.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, hot stuff.\n\nANGLEYNE\nHey, Flexo. So since when do you go\nto bars on work nights? It's not like\nyou at all.\n\nBENDER\nNonsense. It's exactly like me. Flexo:\nThe fun loving love machine Fembots\nlove to love. Hey, barkeep, I'll have\na Fuzzy Navel and she'll have the girliest\ndrink in the house.\n\nBARTENDERBOT\nTwo Fuzzy Navel's comin' up.\n\n[Bender takes a wad of cash out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nBENDER\nI hope they can make change for a fortune.\n\n[He tosses the cash over the bar. On the other side of the bar\nthe Mafiabots watch him.]\n\nJOEY\nYo. Get an eyeload of that filty scab\nwith the beard flashing his filthy scab\nmoney. It's an insult to you, boss.\n\nDONBOT\nYeah. That cash oughta be slushin' my\nfund and kicksing my back.\n\nCLAMPS\nI'm greasing up my whoozits!\n\n[He squirts oil on his clamps.]\n\nDONBOT\nWhoa, whoa, Clamps, not yet. Let's just\nkeep an eye on him and see if he does\nit a couple more times.\n\n[Bender and Angleyne drink.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're lookin' good to Flexo tonight.\n\nANGLEYNE\nQuit makin' with the googly eyes. You\nknow that I'm in love with Bender.\n\nBENDER\nBender? That walking wuss factory?\n\nANGLEYNE\nWell he may be a walking factory but\nbelieve me he is no wuss. Now look.\nYou and me are through. I told you that\nwhen I divorced you.\n\nBENDER\nBut going through a divorce together,\nyou can't tell me that didn't bring\nus closer. Care to dance?\n\nANGLEYNE\nYou know I love dancing but you always\nhated it.\n\nBENDER\nIn that case it's something I've always\nwanted to make up to you. Hey, scratchmo.\nHow 'bout dropping me and the lady some\nrump-rattling beats?\n\n[He takes out his cash and throws it at the DJbot. The Mafiabots\nwatch.]\n\nDONBOT\nI had hoped that by the second time\nhe flashed his cash my rage would have\nsubsided. Sadly that has not happened.\n\n[Clamps sharpens his clamps. Bender and Angleyne dance with the\nother robots.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nYou used to be so inflexible, Flexo.\nYou have really loosened up!\n\nBENDER\nI recently upgraded my funk card. C'mon!\n\n[He dances.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nAlright!\n\nBENDER\nC'mon now, what's new! Ew!\n\n[He wipes it on his casing.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nFlexo? What-What's going on?\n\n[Bender laughs weakly and puts the goatee back on his face.]\n\nBENDER\nUm...\n\n[He grabs Angleyne and tilts her back and she laughs.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nFlexo!\n\n[The robots dancing on the platforms start to fall apart and\nthey rain on Bender and Angleyne.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender and Angleyne sit at a table as the janitor\nsweeps the robot parts off the empty floor.]\n\nBENDER\nSo the moral of the story is: If you\nwant it to stay sunk, tie a weight to\nit!\n\n[They laugh.]\n\nANGLEYNE\n(laughing) You always were a kick in\nthe teeth, man.\n\nBENDER\nAw, shucks, thunder-buns! You make me\nfeel like a million volts.\n\n[Angleyne sighs and stirs her finger around the rim of her glass.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nFlexo, Flexo, Flexo. I'm starting to\nremember why I fell for you in the first\nplace.\n\nBENDER\n(thinking) So, she's falling for Flexo,\neh? I'd better seduce her a little more,\njust to be sure.\n\nANGLEYNE\nWell, it's late. I should get home to\nmy trailer.\n\nBENDER\nI'll walk you out. After all, a true\ngentleman tends to his date's every\nneed. Tiparillo?\n\n[Outside The Hip Joint. Bender and Angleyne walk out smoking\ntheir cigars. Bender hands a valet some money.]\n\nBENDER\nHere you are, my lad. Bring the lady's\ncar around in the finest way possible.\n\n[Cut to: Mafiabot Car. The mobbots watch.]\n\nJOEY\nHe's flashin' his cash loaf again.\n\nDONBOT\nHow many times is that? Two or three?\n\nCLAMPS\nThree.\n\nDONBOT\nAlright. That's the necessary number\nof times. That scab's gonna have a little\non-the-job accident.\n\nJOEY\nWith all due respect, Donbot, I don't\nthink we should rely on an accident\nhappening. Let's kill him ourselves.\n\n[Donbot groans.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside The Hip Joint. Angleyne stands by her car.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nWell, goodnight. I-I had a great time.\n\nBENDER\nHow 'bout a lift? To your place.\n\nANGLEYNE\nWhat?\n\nBENDER\nAdmit it. You felt something for me\ntonight. And by me I mean Flexo.\n\nANGLEYNE\nHey look, I had fun but--\n\nBENDER\nBut?\n\nANGLEYNE\nBut--\n\nBENDER\nBuuut?\n\nANGLEYNE\n(gasping) But... Huh? Bender! You tricked\nme.\n\nBENDER\nThat's right, baby. I ain't your lover\nboy, Flexo, the guy you love so much.\nYou even love anybody pretending to\nbe him.\n\nANGLEYNE\nWell maybe I love you so much I love\nyou no matter who you're pretending\nto be.\n\nBENDER\nOh, how I wish I could believe or understand\nthat! There's only one reasonable course\nof action now: Kill Flexo. Ow!\n\n[He takes Angleyne's car and flies away. She runs after him to\nthe edge of the platform.]\n\nANGLEYNE\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[Curvetti Bros. Bending Plant. Flexo hums as he bends girders.\nBender walks in and pushes Flexo.]\n\nFLEXO\nThanks, I appreciate that. Nah, I'm\njoshing you. That was quite annoying.\n\nBENDER\nYou call yourself divorced? You're making\na mockery of one of our oldest institutions.\n\nFLEXO\nWhat?\n\n[Bender punches him and they start fighting. In a control room\nabove, the mobbots watch. Clamps operates a set of controls that\nhold a huge unbendable girder above the factory floor.]\n\nCLAMPS\nAlright, boss, give the word and I'll\ndrop this unbendable girder. Clamp,\nclamp, ka-bamp!\n\nDONBOT\nRemember, only kill the one with the\nbeard. That other filthy scab we got\nnothing against.\n\n[Clamps moves the girder and Flexo pushes Bender against a wall.\nBender opens Flexo's door and punches the roof of his chest cabinet.\nFlexo groans.]\n\nFLEXO\nThat's low!\n\n[Angleyne runs around the corner.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nPlease stop! I'm not worth it!\n\nBENDER\nProbably not. But I love you And I'm\ngonna kick his ass 'til I win you back.\n\n[He pushes Flexo into the middle of the room and Clamps moves\nthe girder again. Flexo starts choking Bender.]\n\nDONBOT\n(from control room) OK, Clamps. Now!\n\n[The girder drops and Bender and Flexo fall to the floor. Angleyne\nscreams and the mobbots look through the window.]\n\nCLAMPS\nOoh, that's gotta clamp!\n\n[Flexo has been crushed under the girder. Angleyne kneels by\nhim.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nFlexo? Are you OK?\n\nFLEXO\nYeah, never better. Nah, I'm yankin'\nyour chain, I'm dying.\n\nANGLEYNE\nYou can't die. Tonight Bender showed\nme that I love you.\n\nBENDER\nBut, I love you.\n\nANGLEYNE\nI know and I care for you too. But I\ncould never love anyone as much as you\nmade me realise I love Flexo.\n\n[She hugs Flexo and cries.]\n\nBENDER\nBut ... but ... I love you so much,\nAngleyne, I want you to be happy no\nmatter what.\n\nANGLEYNE\nWhat, what are you saying?\n\nBENDER\nI'm saying I've got an unbendable girder\nto bend.\n\nANGLEYNE\nYou can't bend that girder. It's unbendable!\n\nBENDER\nWell I don't know anything about lifting,\nso that just leaves us the one option.\n\n[He grunts as he tries to bend the girder. He stops and takes\nsome BENDGAY out of his chest cabinet. He rubs it on his hands\nand arms and tries bending again. Oil dribbles down his forehead,\nhis door pops off and his antenna explodes but he finally manages\nto bend the girder away from Flexo's head. Flexo waddles out\nfrom under it and shakes Bender's hand.]\n\nFLEXO\nThanks, buddy. Another year under that\nand I'd have been a goner.\n\n[Angleyne hugs Bender.]\n\nANGLEYNE\nI'll always remember this, Bender.\n\n[She hugs Flexo and Bender wipes a tear away from his eye.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Me too. Me too. (talking) Jerk.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff sit around the table.]\n\nLEELA\nSo Flexo and Angleyne had sex right\nthere on the factory floor? Well, at\nleast you got bending out of your system.\n\nBENDER\nYes. I won't be up to bending again\nfor a long, long time.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPerhaps it's your outlook that needs\na good bend. A 90-degree bend to a place\nwhere happiness is perpendicular to\nwonderment.\n\nFRY\nProfessor, we're all sick of your upbeat\nattitude.\n\nAMY\nI'll say.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBelieve it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNonsense. It's just like in the song\nI wrote:\n\n(singing) We all need a new angle on life,\n\nYou gotta bend away all your trouble and your strife,\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, you've gotta help us.\n\nBENDER\nI try to get out but they keep pulling\nme back in.\n\n[He stands up and rolls up his sleeves.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(singing) You gotta dangle,\n\nHave a new angle,\n\nWangle a new dangle on life.\n\n[Bender bends him and he screams. He has bent right over backwards.]\n\nAMY\nNo, Bender! The other way.\n\nBENDER\nI like him better this way.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sad now.\n\nLEELA\nEh, it's fine.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Day-The-Earth-Stood-Stupid.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 307\n\n\"THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STUPID\"\n\nBy\n\nJeff Westbrook & David X. Cohen\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: 80% Entertainment By Volume.]\n\n[A planet, Tweenis 12 hangs in the void of space. Glowing cracks\nstart to appear on the surface. There are several explosions\nand the planet explodes, the shockwave and debris flying out\nin all directions. A group of glowing, flying brains fly away\nfrom what is left of the planet. A caption tells us Tweenis 12\nwas one day's brain flight from Earth.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. The Planet Express staff are at a pet show.\nThere are stalls selling cream, Soylent Chow, Kibbles 'n' Snouts\nand flea collars for giant fleas. Leela carries Nibbler and a\nbig purple bag over her shoulder.]\n\nAMY\nIs Nibbler stoked for the big pet show?\n\nLEELA\nHe ought to be with all the strict training\nI've been putting him through. Nibbler:\nRoll over and you get a ham. Roll over.\nRoll over for the ham. You are so adorable!\nWho wants a ham?\n\n[He takes it and swallows it whole. Farnsworth reads a pamphlet.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nZooka barooka! First prize is $500 and\na year's supply of dog food!\n\nBENDER\n\"$500\", you say?\n\nZOIDBERG\n\"Dog food\", you say?\n\n[He licks his tendrils.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The sheep herding trial has begun. A collie herds\nfour sheep into a pen and the staff watch from the bleachers.]\n\nFRY\nMan, that's dog's gonna be hard to beat.\nLook at him bring in the sheep! One\nsheep, two sheep......three sheep.\n\n[He falls asleep on Farnsworth's shoulder. Farnsworth carries\non eating his popcorn.]\n\nLEELA\nThe dog's good, but our real competition\nis the Hypno-Toad. Your turn, Nibbler,\nhoney. Herd those sheep!\n\n[Nibbler scurries towards the bleating sheep and the crew eagerly\nwatch.]\n\nAMY\nCome on, Nibbler!\n\n[They cringe as Nibbler eats the sheep. He coughs up the bells.]\n\nBENDER\nMa'am, I have a late entry. My hard-shelled\nwooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.\n\n[He whips Zoidberg and he woops. He whips him again and Zoidberg\nwoops and waves his claws in the air.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crowds cheer for Zoidberg and Bender. Zoidberg\nscurries through a tunnel with Bender whipping him as he goes.]\n\nBENDER\nFaster! Faster.\n\n[Zoidberg woops. He comes out of the tunnel, jumps on to a balance\nbeam and somersaults across it. Bender hits him again.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOw!\n\nBENDER\nSuck in that gut! You wanna be spayed?\n\n[Time Lapse. Zoidberg stands on a table and a judge inspects\nhim. He looks in his mouth and then tickles his arm. Zoidberg\nlaughs.]\n\nBENDER\nSilence, you cur! Puff out that brisket!\n\n[Time Lapse. Zoidberg does a Spanish flamenco for the judges\nin the talnt competition and Bender watches from ringside.]\n\nBENDER\nI should be weeping! I'm not weeping!\n\n[He chases Zoidberg and the judges look at each other and shrug.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry, Amy and Farnsworth wander around the rest of\nthe arena and pass Glab with a unicorn-cat. Fry sees what looks\nlike an invisible-dog-leash and laughs.]\n\nFRY\nI love these things!\n\n[It's a real invisible dog and it bites Fry's ankle. He screams.\nNibbler is being inspected by the judge.]\n\nLEELA\nShake paws, Nibbler. Come on, shake.\nHe might be a little hungry. Shake,\nboy. Usually he's had more ham by now.\nShake!\n\n[Nibbler chirps and sees a kid with a pig-shaped balloon. He\nlicks his lips and jumps onto the balloon, biting into it. It\nbursts and flies towards the ceiling. Nibbler falls from it and\nlands in a bowl of cream. The cream splashes over people and\ncats jump on them, making the people scream.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The awards ceremony begins.]\n\nJUDGE #1\nThird prize, a party-sized keg of guinea\npigs, goes to Dave Spiegel and his owner,\nFluffers. Second prize, this lovely\nafghan made from an Afghan, goes to\nBender and his wooping terrier.\n\nBENDER\nSecond place? That's a fancy word for\nlosing. You didn't stick your landing!\n\nZOIDBERG\nForgive me, my friend.\n\nBENDER\nNever!\n\n[He whips him again.]\n\nJUDGE #1\nAnd before we announce the winner we\nhave a special award for a first-time\ncontestant: Miss Leela and her mystery\npet, Nibbler!\n\n[Leela gasps. The crowd applauds.]\n\nLEELA\nMe? Award? Him? Me? Good?\n\nJUDGE #1\nThat's just the kind of eloquence you'd\nexpect from the owner of Dumbest Pet\nin Show. And the grand prize winner......the\nHypno-Toad. All glory to the Hypno-Toad.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Most of the staff are sat around\nthe conference table. Nibbler is asleep in Leela's arms. She\nsighs.]\n\nLEELA\nMaybe they're right. Maybe Nibbler is\ndumb.\n\nFRY\nDon't listen to them, Leela. People\nsaid I was dumb, but I proved them.\n\n[Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone. We were supposed\nto make a delivery to the planet Tweenis\n12 but it's been completely destroyed.\n\nLEELA\nWhy is that good news?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThey paid in advance.\n\n[Comic twang. Bender bangs his chest.]\n\nBENDER\nExcuse me.\n\nHERMES\nThis is mighty strange. First, the\ncivilisation Space Rome collapsed, then\nDon Martin 3 went caflooie and now Tweenis\n12.\n\n[The three holographic planets are replaced with red X's.]\n\nFRY\nLooks like this planet is next in line.\n\nLEELA\nThat's Earth. The planet we live on.\n\nFRY\nI'd hate to be those guys.\n\n[Nibbler starts sniffing. He jumps off Leela's lap and starts\nwhimpering.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat's got into him? He's twitching\nlike Zoidberg when someone mentions\nthe word \"food\".\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat now?\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Nibbler jumps out of a window.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) No! Nibbler, come back!\n\n[Alley. Night has fallen. Leela enters the alley carrying another\njoint.]\n\nLEELA\nToo bad Nibbler's not around. I guess\nI'll have to eat this raw, dripping\nham by myself. Nibbler? Nibbler, you're\nscaring me. Nibbler?! Am I going crazy?\nHave my years of wild hedonism finally\ncaught up with me? Nibbler, help! Don't\nleave me here. Uh, Nibbler? Could you\nscooch the seat up just a little bit?\n\n[The next morning, the brains fly over New New York, turning\nbuildings a glowing blue with some weird rays. Seven brains converge\non the Planet Express building and turn it blue.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits on the couch mumbling\nand the room glows blue around him. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nLeela back yet?\n\nBENDER\nFry, help me! My heart stopped beating!\n\nFRY\nYou don't have a heart; you're a robot.\n\nBENDER\nSure...right. Robot! Oh, Fry! My skin's\nall dry and clanky.\n\nFRY\nWell, yeah. Robots are made of metal.\n\nBENDER\nAm I a robot?\n\nFRY\nBender, if this is some kind of scam,\nI don't get it. You already have my\npower of attorney.\n\n[He walks off towards the meeting room.]\n\nBENDER\nFry! My skin!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth has his head between\nthe balls of a Newton's Cradle.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOw. Ow. Ow. I'm a genius. Ow. Ow.\n\n[Fry leaves without saying anything.]\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg is crouched on the\nexamination table. He sticks one of his tendrils out and trys\nto clack it with is claw. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nDr. Zoidberg? Why is everyone acting\nso weird?\n\nZOIDBERG\nZoidy want balloon! Want balloon now!\nZoidy want go outside!\n\nFRY\n(angry) I just let you back in!\n\n[Nibbler's Ship. The ship flies through the vacuum of space.\nThe ship is so small that Leela is squashed into the back. The\nwhole top section is a transparent dome. Part of Leela's ponytail\nis caught in it and it blows in the wind outside.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is unbelievable. I thought you\nwere a furry little moron. But here\nyou are flying an adorable spaceship.\nIf only you could talk. Wait! I understood\nthat! You say you're transmitting your\nthoughts directly to my brain. You\nsay those awful flying brains are making\neveryone on Earth stupid? Oh, stupider.\nAnd you go on to say that we're headed\nfor your home planet where your race\nhas lived since the beginning of the\nuniverse? So, how did the universe\nbegin? Then the meaning of existence...?\nSo every religion is wrong!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes stands in the emergency\nchemical burn shoulder with his mouth wide open, letting the\nwater run into it. The door is open and there is a puddle of\nwater on the floor. Fry closes his mouth and pushes his head\nforward.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth\nstare open-mouthed at the TV. The TV that isn't on. Fry sits\non the couch and turns it on. Morbo spins around in his chair\nand Linda watches. He falls off and she laughs.]\n\nLINDA\nYou fell! Hi! Today, some bad things\nhappened. One bad things was a train\ngot crashed in New Jersey. Wanna see?\nPeople won't be late for work though,\nbecause the governer lady says, (deeper\nvoice) \"I'm sending in more trains!\"\n\n[A train crashes into the wreckage and commuters run onto it.]\n\nWOMAN\nGo!\n\nMAN\nWait for me! Wait for me!\n\n[The picture returns to the studio.]\n\nMORBO\nMorbo can't understand his TelePrompTer.\nHe forgot how you say that letter that\nlooks like a man with a hat.\n\nLINDA\nIt's a \"T\". It goes \"tuh\".\n\nMORBO\nHello, little man. I will destroy you!\n\n[Fry turns the TV off.]\n\nFRY\nMan, even the news monster is acting\nstrange. What are we gonna do?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDuh, I know! Let's play the lottery!\n\nAMY\nNo. Let's buy internet stock!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOn margin! Zoidy wanna buy on margin!\n\n[Hermes is wrapped in a towel on the other side of the room and\nholds a piece of wood in front of his face.]\n\nHERMES\nLook at me! I'm invisible!\n\nFRY\nWait a minute! I know what's going on\nhere. You've all become idiots!\n\nBENDER\nHey, let's all join the Reform Party!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nHERMES\nOh, yeah!\n\n[They run out.]\n\n[Nibbler's ship flies towards a planet called Planet Eternium\nwhich lies at the exact centre of the universe. The continents\nare shaped like love hearts. It lands outside a building called\nthe Hall of Forever, ten miles west of the exact centre of the\nuniverse. The main part of the building is a dome with an eyestalk\non top of it. Either side of the dome are two \"Rosetta Stone\"\nobelisks with both alien languages carved onto them.]\n\n[Hall of Forever. Nine of Nibbler's race sit on raised chairs\nin a dark chamber. Enter Nibbler and Leela.]\n\nKEN\nWelcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador\nto Earth, homeworld of the pizza bagel.\n\n[Nibbler speaks plain English with a deep voice.]\n\nNIBBLER\nThank you. I bear many receipts for\nreimbursement.\n\nFIONA\nThe four welcomes of friendship to you\nas well, Leela. We shall manipulate\nyour mind so we appear to be speaking\nyour language. Do not be afraid, my\nchild.\n\n[She pulls the hood of her robe off her head. Her eyestalk has\na little orange bow tied around it.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm not afraid.\n\nFIONA\nUh, good. Good.\n\nLEELA\nSo, your real name is Lord Nibbler?\nThat's a coincidence.\n\nNIBBLER\nThat name is for your sake. In the time\nit would take to pronounce one letter\nof my true name a trillion cosmoses\nwould flair into existence and sink\ninto eternal night.\n\n[Leela laughs and pinches Nibbler's cheek.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, you're all so cute!\n\nKEN\nNo, we are not. We Nibblonians are\nan ancient and powerful race. Behold.\nWhen the universe was forged in the\ncrucible of the big bang, our mighty\nrace was already 17 years old.\n\nLEELA\nAww!\n\n[Fiona growls. The hologram changes and shows a rocky planet\nwith a lightning storm overhead.]\n\nKEN\nFor the first millisecond of time, things\nwere OK. But then there arose a terrible\nenemy: The Brain Spawn. Ever since,\nwe have waged unceasing war against\nthese dreadful --\n\n[A Nibblonian chef opens a door into the chamber.]\n\nNIBBLONIAN CHEF\nLunch is ready.\n\nKEN\nThen let the feast of a thousand hams\nbegin.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Hall of Forever. Chewing and eating noises come\nfrom inside and the Nibblonians burp.]\n\n[Cut to: Hall of Forever. Leela is sat on the floor tickling\nKen and Fiona like cats.]\n\nLEELA\nSo why are these Brain Spawn attacking\nEarth, Nibbler?\n\n[Above Nibbler is a hologram of the Brain Spawn flying around\nNew New York.]\n\nNIBBLER\nThe Brain Spawn hate all consciousness.\nThe thoughts of others screech at them\nlike the forced laughs of a billion\nart house movie patrons.\n\nKEN\nThus, they travel from world to world\nmaking everyone stupid in order to wipe\nout all thought in the universe.\n\nLEELA\nWipe out all thought? My God! They're\nlike flying televisions.\n\nFIONA\nAnd even we are powerless to stop them,\nfearsome though we are.\n\n[She purrs.]\n\nNIBBLER\nThere is but one being that can resist\nthem. A child of destiny whose bizzare\nbrain wave pattern makes him immune\nto the Brain Spawn attack. He is the\nhope of the universe. The fate of your\nworld - perhaps all worlds - rests in\nhis special mind.\n\nLEELA\nNow, when you say \"special\"...\n\n[Planet Express Balcony. Fry stands on the balcony looking at\nthe carnage. Buildings burn in the distance, ships fall from\nthe sky and cars crash in the street. A man crashes his car into\na lamppost, opens the dome and slumps over dead. Fry picks up\na bullhorn and talks into the wrong end.]\n\nFRY\nAttention New New Yorkers. Stop acting\nso stupid!\n\n[A bird lands on the other end and squawks into it. Fry screams\nand falls over.]\n\n[Nibblonian Ship. The large circular ship orbits the Earth and\nis flanked by lots of smaller ships.]\n\nKEN\nNibblonian fleet holding at perimeter\nof moron zone, formerly known as \"Earth\".\n\n[The command centre of the ship looks like the Enterprise bridge\nfrom Star Trek, albeit a lot more pink. Ken, Fiona and Nibbler\nall sit on one big love-heart-shaped chair in the middle of the\nroom.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy would Fry be immune to the flying\nbrains? Because he doesn't shower?\n\nFIONA\nThe Brain Spawn suppress intelligence\nby attacking the delta brain wave. Every\nanimal and robot in the universe generates\nthis wave, as do certain trees.\n\nNIBBLER\nFry, however, does not.\n\nFIONA\nSomehow he has cobbled together a random\nassortment of other brainwaves into\na working mind.\n\nLEELA\nLike a prom dress made from carpet remnants.\n\nNIBBLER\nYes, like your prom dress.\n\nKEN\nThe Brain Spawn are commanded by a giant\nevil brain with a gooey centre of pure\nhate.\n\nFIONA\nOnly Fry, with is superior, yet inferior\nmind, can approach him. You must tell\nhim to disable it. We will do the rest.\n\nLEELA\nYou can count on me.\n\nFIONA\nNo we can't. Once on Earth, you will\nbe too stupid to remember the message.\n\n[Ken nods.]\n\nNIBBLER\nThat's why we wrote it down for you.\n\n[He pins the note to the front of Leela's top.]\n\nKEN\nWe've also prepared a bag lunch and\nsome mittens.\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy and Farnsworth\nare lined up on the couch and Bender stands nearby. In front\nof them, Fry has set up a classroom situation. He has written\n\"Fry's Dumb School\" on a blackboard and there is a cardboard\nbox in front of it.]\n\nFRY\nTime to re-educate you duncebags. We'll\nstart with US presidents. This is our\nfirst president, George Washington.\nLet's review. Who was our first president?\n\nAMY\nUmm...\n\nBENDER\nA pickle jar?\n\nWASHINGTON\nThomas Jefferson?\n\n[There is a screeching sound from outside. Leela crashes through\nthe window in Nibbler's ship. It glides to a halt and she steps\nout of the smoking wreckage.]\n\nFRY\nLeela! I've been so worried. Are you\na bonehead?\n\nLEELA\nI...have to tell...must...important...something...\n\nFRY\nWhoa, whoa! Slow down. You're going\na mile a minute.\n\n[Leela sees the note on her top, takes it off and hands it to\nhim.]\n\nLEELA\nThis! You for this!\n\nFRY\nThanks!\n\n[He blows hit nose on it, screws it up and throws it in the fire.]\n\nLEELA\nNo! Ow! Fire hot.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe professy will help! Fire indeed\nhot!\n\n[Fry looks around and tips the water from Chest A. Arthur's jar\nover the professor's arm. Arthur's head falls out too and lands\non the floor.]\n\nARTHUR\nOh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.\n\nLEELA\nBrain. Brain make people dumb.\n\nFRY\nNo, Leela. Brain make people smart.\n\n[He taps his head. Behind him, two Brain Spawn appear in the\nbroken window. Leela growls and turns him around. He sees the\nbrains and screams.]\n\nLEELA\nYou go fight biggest brain of all.\n\nFRY\nEven bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where\nis it?\n\nLEELA\nI 'unno!\n\nFRY\nHm. A giant brain is basically a giant\nnerd. And where would a giant nerd be?\nThe libary!\n\n[Outside New New York Public Library. Fry and Leela run up the\nsteps and two Brain Spawn fly in and block their path. Fry forces\nthem out of the way.]\n\n[New New York Public Library Corridors. Fry and Leela run past\na librarian trying to push a book onto a bookshelf sideways.\nThey run past Reference Books, Books on Tapeworm and Stephen\nKing: A - Aardvark. They come to a stop outside Ancient Literature.\nFrom behind the door there comes a purple glow. Fry pushes the\ndoor ajar.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. A huge\nbrain hovers over a table reading books.]\n\nBIG BRAIN\nPathetic human race. Arranging their\nknowledge by category just made it easier\nto absorb. Dewey, you fool: Your decimal\nsystem has played right into my hands!\nWhat do you want?\n\nFRY\nI'm here to kick your ass.\n\nBIG BRAIN\nWishful thinking. We have long since\nevolved beyond the need for asses.\nOdd. My stupefaction field is having\nno effect on your ability to think.\n\nFRY\nThat's right. And I think you'll find\nthat a little knowledge is a dangerous\nthing! OK, better think of a new plan.\nCome on, Fry, think! Thinking...thinking...\n\n[There is a buzzing sound and the brain shivers.]\n\nBIG BRAIN\nOh! Stop that!\n\nFRY\nHey! Thinking hurts him. Maybe I can\nthink of a way to use that. Aha! Prepare\nto be thought at. Leela, give me a topic.\n\nLEELA\nDuh...\n\nFRY\nSeriously, I can't think of anything.\nGotta find something to make me think.\n(reading) Hardy Boys. (talking) Too\neasy. (reading) Nancy Drew. (talking)\nToo hard. Aha! Perfect! Bonfire of the\nVanities!\n\n[He reads it and the buzzing returns. The brain sinks into the\ncorner of the room.]\n\nBIG BRAIN\nNo! It's unbearable!\n\n[Cut to: Outside New New York Public Library. The Brain Spawn\noutside drop like flies.]\n\n[Cut to: Nibblonian Ship. The Nibblonians watch this on a screen.]\n\nFIONA\nThe brains are weakening. Nibblonians\nto Nibble stations. Prepare cuddle bug\nfor deployment in 40 nibblets.\n\n[Nibbler sighs.]\n\nNIBBLER\nSometimes I fear we are cute.\n\nFIONA\nOh, niggle-snoosh!\n\n[New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. The Big Brains\npurple glow has turned green. It groans as Fry carries on reading.]\n\nFRY\nTake that! And that! This sentence I\ndon't understand but take this one!\n\nBIG BRAIN\nYou have not won yet. Each book in\nthis room is a gateway to a mental realm\nand I shall take you there and imprison\nyou forever.\n\n[It envelopes a book and Fry and Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nIcky!\n\n[Cut to: Herman Melville's Moby Dick. Leela and Fry are on a\ndinghy in the middle of the ocean.]\n\nFRY\nWhere are we?\n\n[They look around and see Captain Ahab and Queequeg on the boat\nwith them.]\n\nAHAB\nA gold doubloon to the man who first\nspies the white whale.\n\n[The Big Brain rams the side of the boat from the water.]\n\nQUEEQUEG\nBig whale over there.\n\nAHAB\nI saw it first!\n\n[He pockets the gold and gives a shifty look. Fry is about to\nharpoon the brain when Queequeg grabs his arm.]\n\nQUEEQUEG\nWait! That no white whale. It grey,\npink-y whale!\n\nFRY\nQueequeg, let go of me! I have to kill\nit!\n\nBIG BRAIN\nFarewell! You will all be trapped in\nthis dense, symbolist tome forever!\n\n[It dives.]\n\nFRY\nFollow him! It's our only way out!\n\n[He dives in, followed by Ahab, Queequeg and Leela.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Fry\nand Leela struggle in the purple glow. The Brain picks up another\nbook.]\n\n[Cut to: Mark Twain's The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer. Tom Sawyer\nis painting the fence and the characters from Moby Dick are with\nFry and Leela.]\n\nFRY\nExcuse me, have you seen a giant brain?\n\nTOM SAWYER\nYep. I let him help me whitewash Aunt\nPolly's fence.\n\n[He pushes open the gate, revealing the Brain wearing a straw\nhate and painting the fence.]\n\nBIG BRAIN\nTom Sawyer, you tricked me. This is\nless fun than previously indicated.\nLet this corny slice of Americana be\nyour tomb for all eternity.\n\nTOM SAWYER\nPlease, no!\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Come on!\n\n[They chase the Brain.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. The\nBrain picks up another book.]\n\n[Cut to: Jane Austen's Pride And Prejudice. Fry is at a staely\nbanquet.]\n\nWOMAN\nMr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite\nthe oddity; a bachelor at your age.\n\nFRY\nTou think I'm an oddity? Wait'l you\nsee --\n\n[A door opens.]\n\nBUTLER\nPresenting the most eligible landowner\nin all Hertfordshire, Mr. Brainly.\n\n[Enter the smartly-dressed Brain.]\n\nBIG BRAIN\nI'm a gigantic brain!\n\n[There is general murmuring from the people.]\n\nMAN #1\nI say!\n\nMAN #2\nMost ungentleman-like!\n\nWOMAN\nMr. Brainly, what news have you of the\nLondon season?\n\nBIG BRAIN\nWell...\n\n[Fry grabs Tom Sawyer's bucket.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Brain-y, think fast!\n\n[He throws the whitewash at it.]\n\nBIG BRAIN\nI always think fast.\n\n[The whitewash hits it and it screams.]\n\nAHAB\nThe whale! He be white now!\n\n[He and Queequeg throw harpoons at it and it screams. Ahab breaks\noff his wooden leg and hits the Brain with it.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, I've got an idea. Stay here with\nQueequeg.\n\n[He jumps out of the window. Leela looks at Queequeg and twiddles\nher hair.]\n\nLEELA\nIs there Mrs. Queequeg?\n\n[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Fry\npushes and sturggles and breaks free of the Brain's glow.]\n\nFRY\nYes! I'm free! Alright, Brain. Get\nready for some electroshock treatment!\n\n[He smashes the bulbs and swings on the light towards the Brain.\nHe misses it by a mile and slams into a bookcase on the other\nside of the room. He falls to the floor and it falls on him,\ncrushing him. Leela is freed from the purple glow. She sees Fry\nchoking and screams.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, don't die! Wake up! (screaming)\nNooo!\n\n[The Brain laughs. The bookcase and Fry's dead body fade away.\nLeela is kneeling in the middle of the room. The Brain is still\nlaugh. She looks around and hears Fry's voice. He is writing.]\n\nFRY\nLeela cried for her lost love as Fry\nlay dead under the heavy bookcase. The\nBig Brain laughed in triumph......Then,\nfor no reason, he left Earth forever.\nThe end. There! Now he's trapped in\na book I wrote: A crummy world of plot\nholes and spelling errors.\n\nBIG BRAIN\nThe Big Brain am winning again. I am\nthe greetest! Now I am leaving Earth\nfor no rason!\n\n[It squeezes through the window.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside New New York Public Library. The Nibblonians\nwatch and cheer.]\n\nNIBBLER\nThe Big Brain is defeated. Let what\nmust be done be done.\n\n[The Nibblonian soldiers eat the other brains that have fallen.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Public Library: Ancient Literature. Leela\nshakes her head as her intelligence returns.]\n\nLEELA\nMe...feel...a bit better in cognitive\nfaculties.\n\nFRY\nI did it! And it's all thanks to the\nbooks at my local library.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the staff sleep as\nHermes points to a chart showing the increase in employee sleep\nduring meetings.]\n\nNIBBLER\n(voice-over) And so life returned to\nnormal. Or as normal as it gets on this\nprimative dirtball inhabited by psychotic\napes...\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry reads \"Fry Tricks The Brain\" to\nFarnsworth who dismisses it.]\n\nNIBBLER\n(voice-over) ...Thanks to the effect\nof the brain rays, the people of Earth\nhad no memory of what had transpired,\nexcept Fry. And no one believed him\nor cared what he had to say...\n\n[Leela's Quarters. Leela lies on her bed stroking Nibbler, who\nis back in his cape.]\n\nNIBBLER\n(voice-over) ...I, meanwhile, returned\nto my post, ever vigilant, lest Earth\nagain come under Brain attack. And when\nthat day comes, God help us. God help\nus all.\n\n[Leela picks him up.]\n\nLEELA\nTime for a diapee change!\n\nNIBBLER\n(voice-over) End transmission.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-That's-Lobstertainment!.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 308\n\n\"THAT'S LOBSTERTAINMENT\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Deciphered From Crop Circles.]\n\n[Outside The Comedy Simulator. \"Amateur Nite\" is displayed in\nlights on the building; \"Amateur Valet Parking Nite\" is displayed\non a billboard by the door. A man and a woman wait for the valet\nto bring their car round and he promptly crashes it into a lamppost,\ngets out and hands the man the keys.]\n\n[Cut to: The Comedy Simulator. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a\nrobot with a mechanical voice finish his act. Leela is wearing\nher cryogenics officer jacket.]\n\nROBOT\nSo I says, \"Super collider? I just met\nher!\" And then they built the super\ncollider. Thank you, you've been a great\naudience.\n\n[The audience applauds and the robot leaves. Florp takes the\nmic.]\n\nFLORP\nHumorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen.\nOur next stand-up's a veteran of four\ncomedy traffic schools. Give it way\nup for Bobcat Zoidberg!\n\n[The audience applauds and Zoidberg wanders onto the stage.]\n\nFRY\n(cheering) Alright!\n\nLEELA\n(cheering) Yeah!\n\nBENDER\n(cheering) Alright, Zoidberg!\n\n[The applause dies down.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEarth. What a planet. On Earth, you\nenjoy eating a tasty clam. On my planet,\nclams enjoy eating a tasty you. Maybe\nI'm not yelling loud enough. (shouting)\nOn Earth, everybody is always looking\nfor a giant squid. On my planet -\n\n[A tomato hits him in the face and he eats it. At their table,\nBender stresses a spoon back on its handle.]\n\nBENDER\nReload.\n\n[Leela puts another tomato in and he fires. It misses Zoidberg\nand he carries on with his act.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo these three parasitic worms bore\ninto a human's head...\n\n[The audience murmurs to each other.]\n\nWOMAN\nEww, gross.\n\nZOIDBERG\n...and they walk up to the bar and then\n- uh-oh. Wait, stop! I've got more!\n(groaning) Oh.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning, the rest of\nthe crew listen to Zoidberg's sad story.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMy whole life I worked on that act.\nAnd they hated it.\n\nHERMES\nYou're a crazy, penniless, lobster doctor.\nNo combination of you should be a comedian.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBut comedy is in my valves. My Uncle\nHarold was a big Hollywood star back\nin the era of silent holograms.\n\nLEELA\n(awestruck) Your uncle was Harold Zoid?\n\nZOIDBERG\n(dramatic) This I cannot deny.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since\nback when my hips were made of bone.\nAs it happens, I still have some of\nmy original 78s.\n\n[He picks up a big 78 million RPM Holodisk, blows the dust off\nit and puts the disc onto a gramophone-like machine. A black-and-white\n3D picture appears in the middle of the table. The studio is\nMetropolitan Holoplays and the title is A Close Shaving (MMCMXXII).\nA Decapodian barber played by Harold Zoid sharpens his razor\nblades in his shop. A man walks in and says \"Your finest trim,\nplease\". He takes his hat off and the barber uses his claws to\ncut the man's moustache completely off. The man is shocked and\nexclaims \"You are a buffoon. Now cut my beard\". The barber puts\nshaving foam over the man's chin and cuts his head off. The man's\nhead bounces through the door. The barber waves the man's hat.\n\"Sir, you forgot your hat!\" The film ends with the caption \"The\nEnd\" and \"Buy Moxie\". The crew chuckle.]\n\nHERMES\nYou're right, crabby. He's a hell of\na lot funnier than you could ever be.\n\nZOIDBERG\nMaybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him\nand asked for a few hundred pointers...\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry sits with Zoidberg as\nhe plans his letter.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThis letter has to be very personal,\nso I'm writing it in my own ink. (writing;\nthinking) Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings\nfrom your long-lost nephew. Norm and\nSam and Sadie's boy, remember? ...\n\n[Fade to: Outside Final Curtain Old Actors' Home. The building\nis a run-down heap on Hollywood and Vine.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(voice-over) ...Now I am the most important\ndoctor at the delivery company where\nI work. But, sadly, my life is bereft\nof laughter.\n\n[Cut to: Final Curtain Old Actors' Home Lounge. The inside of\nthe building is as equally run-down as the outside. An old Decapodian\nsits in a chair reading Zoidberg's letter.]\n\nZOID\n(reading) I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle,\nteach me the comedy business. Sincerely,\nZoidberg. (talking) Oy, isn't that nice?\nHe took the time.\n\n[An old woman looks over his shoulder.]\n\nWOMAN\nWhat's that scribbldy-gook?\n\nZOID\nThis is a fan letter from my rich doctor\nnephew who just might be my ticket out\nof this flophouse, he might. Yeah,\nyou'd better run. (writing) Dear Rich\nDoctor Nephew, I can help you be funny.\nThe first funny thing you must do is\nput all of your money in the form of\na cashier's cheque and come to Hollywood.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg reads the reply to Bender,\nFry and Leela.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(reading) Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S.\nCashier's cheque. (talking) Did you\nhear that? I'm going to Hollywood!\n\n[The ship flies across the California desert, through the middle\nof the third Hollywood \"O\" and down to a multi-storey car park.\nLeela sets down in a compact only space, shunting the cars either\nside out of the way.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela puts the huge steering lock on\nthe wheel.]\n\n[Hollywood Street. The foursome board an open-top Star Tours\nbus which, as the disclaimer states, does not leave Earth.]\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nWelcome to Hollywood! I must warn you,\nthere's no refund if you get discovered\nand leave the tour! I'm just kidding,\nthat never happens. Now, to your right,\nyou'll see 30th Century Fox Studios.\nFox uses those searchlights to blind\npilots, then film the resulting plane\ncrashes.\n\n[The passengers get a demonstration as a plane crashes nearby\nin a huge fireball. Bender takes a photo of it.]\n\nBENDER\nNeat!\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nAhead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,\nstar of the hit film, Bravehead. And\ndo we have any fans of Calculon, star\nof the robot soap opera All My Circuits?\n\nBENDER\nOh, I am, me! Bender is!\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nThen you'll wanna get a close look at\nhis luxurious Bel-Air home.\n\nBENDER\nYes, I will.\n\n[He jumps off the bus, lands on a car and runs through the hedge.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Calculon's House. Bender rings the doorbell\nand Calculon, wearing a personalised bathrobe, answers it.]\n\nCALCULON\nAre you my new hot water heater?\n\nBENDER\nNo, I'm Bender. We met once, remember?\n\nCALCULON\nAbsolutely not.\n\nBENDER\nCome on, don't you remember how much\nI was bugging you, don't you? 'Cause\nit was a lot, you remember, right?\n\n[Calculon pushes him away.]\n\nCALCULON\nLook, I'm programmed to be very busy.\nUnless you can heat water to 212 degrees,\nI'm not interested. Have you got an\nextra GOTO 10 line? I said I don't need\na bender.\n\nBENDER\nBender? That was the other guy. My name's\nBoiler.\n\n[Calculon's Bathroom. Calculon stands in the shower. Bender stands\nbehind him spraying him with water.]\n\nCALCULON\nNice work, Boiler.\n\nBENDER\nThanks. And call me Bender.\n\n[Hollywood Street. The tour bus passes Hugo Bott, Calvin Clone\nand a restaurant called Ebola.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid\nfor lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams.\nNext time you see me, don't be surprised\nif I've eaten.\n\n[He runs off the bus and into the restaurant, wooping.]\n\n[Cut to: Ebola. He stops wooping when he sees a smartly-dressed\nZoid sitting at a table waiting for him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nUncle Zoid, you're looking young enough\nto be throw back!\n\nZOID\nRich nephew, come over here and give\nyour uncle a nice, big meal. So, here\nwe are: A still-famous film comedian...\n\nZOIDBERG\n...And a rich, respected doctor with\nmany surviving patients.\n\nZOID\nEating real food in a restaurant, as\nwe both often do. So, you want to be\na comedian, is it?\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's my lifelong dream.\n\nZOID\n(shouting) Well that dream dies now.\nYou're unfunny and untalented. That's\nwhy you're perfect for drama.\n\nZOIDBERG\nHmm, serious drama. Perhaps it is time\nto give up comedy.\n\n[A waiter trips and drops a plate of spaghetti bolognese on Zoidberg.\nThe other diners laugh.]\n\nZOID\nI'm putting together a big drama picture\nright now, as we speak. The script is\ndynamite. I know because I wrote it\nmyself. And with me directing and starring,\nI'll be back on top after 50 miserable\nyears......uh, of fame.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh, fame. Where do I come in?\n\nZOID\nThis fame film has a juicy part for\nyou, if you completely finance it with\nyour doctor money. So, are you in?\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh, OK. How much do I have to invest?\n\nZOID\nOh, not much, not much, (quietly) amilliondollars.\n(talking) Then it's settled. Another\nblockbuster Hollywood deal.\n\nWAITER\nWhat can I get you gentlemen?\n\nZOIDBERG\nIs bread free?\n\nWAITER\nYeah.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWe'll split an order.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still parked. Zoidberg, Fry and\nLeela are back. Zoidberg cries. Bender walks in with a cap, a\npersonalised jacket, shades and a cigar.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat's with Monstro?\n\nFRY\nHe promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid\na million bucks to make a movie.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(crying) I've only been here a day and\nalready I'm a Hollywood phoney.\n\nBENDER\n(proud) Well, perhaps I could call on\nTVs Calculon to help, now that I'm in\nshowbiz.\n\n[He turns around and shows the others the All My Circuits logo\non the back of his jacket.\n\nFRY\nSince when have you been in the biz?\n\nBENDER\nLong enough, little man. Long enough.\n\n[His hand starts shaking and it bursts with water which covers\nFry.]\n\n[Outside All My Circuits Soundstage. The quartet pass a sign\nsaying \"Taping In Progress. Please Announce Self With Bullhorn\"\nas they go in.]\n\n[Calculon's Dressing Room. They walk in as Calculon applies WD-40\nto himself.]\n\nBENDER\nCalculon, as your hot water heater......I\nwould be remiss if I didn't bring you\nscripts that could make you an international\nfilm star.\n\nCALCULON\nOf course. Tell me about the project.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's a movie.\n\nCALCULON\nInteresting. Tell me more.\n\nBENDER\nGet this: For a scant $1 million investment,\nyou can be the star.\n\nCALCULON\nAnd?\n\nBENDER\nAnd, uh, I guarantee it'll win you an\nOscar.\n\nCALCULON\nAn Oscar, you say? That would get me\nout of this festering rat's nest called\n\"television\" once and for all. Let me\nsee the script. No, no I don't like\nthe font. Wait! Harold Zoid? Was this\nwritten by the Harold Zoid?\n\nZOIDBERG\nWritten and Xeroxed.\n\nCALCULON\nGood heavens. A chance to work with\nthe legendary Harold Zoid. He's one\nof my great idols. And, and you say\nyou can guarantee me the Oscar?\n\nBENDER\nI can guarantee anything you want.\n\nCALCULON\nThen I'll do it!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray!\n\n[Bender opens his chest cabinet.]\n\nBENDER\nHere's your chequebook.\n\n[The Magnificent Three Soundstage. Sets are built and backdrops\nare painted as Calculon introduces Zoid.]\n\nCALCULON\nLadies and gentlemen, I give you our\ndirector, the legendary Harold Zoid!\n\n[The cast and crew applaud Zoid, who is dressed riding trousers\nand various other odd clothes.]\n\nZOID\nThank you. A more classic movie plot\nthere isn't: A son who does not want\nto follow in his father's business.\nAnd that business is being president\nof Earth, no less. The son, as it happens,\nis vice president.\n\nBENDER\n(to Calculon) That plot makes perfect\nsense, wink wink.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBender, you said \"wink wink\" out loud.\n\nBENDER\nNo, I didn't. (quietly) Raise middle\nfinger.\n\n[Time Lapse. Calculon stands in front of a backdrop of the White\nHouse and Zoid tries to find a good angle.]\n\nZOID\nNow, remember, and I can't stress this\nenough, this is a talkie. So I want\nthe full gamut of emotions from every\nactor in every scene.\n\n[He walks onto the set with Calculon.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe Magnificent Three. Scene one, take\none.\n\n[He claps the clapperboard together, which has been painted on\nhis claw.]\n\nZOID\nAnd, action!\n\nCALCULON\nTake back your gilded pen, Father. Signing\nbills into law was always your dream,\nnot mine.\n\nZOID\nCut! Cut! Cut it! I said this is a\ntalkie, damnit! You've got to emote\nmore! And you extras: Wave your arms\nand make faces. What is this, a morgue?\n\n[Time Lapse. Zoid, Calculon and some extras stand on a set of\nthe White House oval office.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take\n95.\n\nZOID\nAction. And I mean circus-grade action.\n\n[As Calculon over-acts his way through the scene, extras run\naround the set, waving their arms, making noises and impersonating\napes.]\n\nCALCULON\nSir, I call upon you not as a president\nbut as a father.\n\n[He cries on Zoid's shoulder. Zoid pushes him away.]\n\nZOID\nCut, cut, cut it! Would you show a\nlittle emotion? People, people, please.\nJust because it's a dramatic scene,\ndoesn't mean you can't do a little comedy\nin the background. Throw a pie or two,\nfor God's sake.\n\n[Time Lapse. The extras run around in front of the White House\nbackdrop throwing pies and laughing.]\n\n[Time Lapse. On a set of the White House roof, Calculon finishes\na scene. There is a rain a wind machine nearby.]\n\nCALCULON\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[He cries. Zoid runs onto the set.]\n\nZOID\nCut, cut it! Eck! Look, look, it's alright,\nkid. We'll, uh, we'll get it in editing.\nAlright, that's a wrap everybody, I'm\ngonna see you all at the premiere which,\nby the way, when is?\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell, uh, editing is a long and expensive\nprocess but we spent all the money on\npies, so it'll be ready Friday.\n\n[Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Bender takes\na seat with the stars in the packed auditorium.]\n\nBENDER\nNice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar's\npractically on your mantel.\n\nCALCULON\nI just pray they like me half as much\nas I do.\n\n[The lights dim and the credits roll. The audience cheers when\nZoid's name comes up on the screen. The first scene is outside\nThe White House; Washington D.D. The typer corrects it to D.C.\nCalculon and Zoid have a scene together in the oval office.]\n\nCALCULON\n(in movie) I agreed to be your vice\npresident but I never agreed to be your\nson. Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(in movie) Good morning, Mr. Vice President!\n\n[Outside Loew's Gaddafi's Grauman's Chinese Theater. Next door,\nPauly Shore's Jury Duty II is still playing. The Planet Express\nship flies back and forth over the building.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry peers through the window. He is\nwearing a light blue tuxedo.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, we're missing the premiere.\nMy only goal in life was to attend a\nHollywood shindig. Just pay the valet\nthe two bucks.\n\nLEELA\nNo! It's the principle of the thing.\nBesides, I think I see a parking lot\nup ahead.\n\n[The ship lands on a black surface - and starts to sink. Leela\nhas landed on a tar pit. She and Fry scream.]\n\n[Loew's Gaddafi's Mann's Grauman's Chinese Theater. The film\nhas nearly finished playing. Calculon and Zoid are on the roof\nof the White House in the rain. Zoid is sat in a wheelchair.]\n\nCALCULON\n(in movie) Father, I have asked you\nto join me on the White House roof so\nwe could have a heart-to-heart talk.\nI will never follow in your footsteps.\nHere is my resignation as vice president.\n\n[Zoid cuts the paper up.]\n\nZOID\n(in movie) No! My son will not shame\nme like this. I would sooner die, I\nwould!\n\n[He pushes his wheelchair away.]\n\nCALCULON\n(in movie) Father! The ledge!\n\n[Zoid's chair rolls off the ledge.]\n\nZOID\n(in movie) Oy!\n\nCALCULON\n(in movie) Oh.\n\n[Zoidberg opens a hatch in the roof.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(in movie) The president is dead. Congratulations,\nMr. President.\n\nCALCULON\n(screaming; in movie) Nooo!\n\n[The film ends with Bender credited as executive producer.]\n\nBENDER\n(cheering) Woohoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!\n\n[Calculon looks around. The room is empty.]\n\nCALCULON\nEveryone walked out. They hated it.\nI've seen plagues that have better opening\nnights than this. You said that Oscar\nwas practically on my mantel.\n\nBENDER\nNow you know why I use the qualifier,\n\"practically\".\n\nCALCULON\nYou listen to me. I'm out a million\nbucks here! You get me that Oscar, or\nyou're dead! You and these snivelling\nlobsters! Dead. You hear me? Dead!\n\n[Bender and Zoidberg huddle together. Calculon leaves.]\n\nZOID\nOy, now he emotes!\n\n[Calculon's Lounge. Calculon reads Daily Variety. The headline\nreads \"Osc Noms Announced\" and \"Also, Oscar Nominations Announced\".]\n\nCALCULON\n400 categories and not a single nomination\nfor me.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBut you won this Golden Globe!\n\nCALCULON\nPiffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!\nI told you I want an Oscar.\n\nBENDER\nThen maybe you should act better.\n\nCALCULON\nThe Oscar isn't about acting. It's about\nearning the respect and admiration of\nthe creative community.\n\nZOID\nHow 'bout we rig the awards?\n\nCALCULON\nThat's fine too.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is still in the tar pit. Leela tries\nthe engine but it stalls.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus,\nI think I flooded it.\n\nFRY\nWell, we missed the premiere and we're\ngonna die. We might as well enjoy the\nsights. Oh my God, Sylvester Stallone!\n\n[Final Curtain Old Actors' Home: Zoid's Room.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThis is where you live? I though you\nwere a big-shot Hollywood movie star.\n\nZOID\nNo, I'm not. I'm an even bigger liar\nthan you. My career went down the tube\nthe day they invented smell-a-vision.\n\nBENDER\nCalculon's gonna kill us for sure. It's\nall everybody else's fault.\n\nZOID\nOy. All I wanted was for people to think\nof me one last time before I die.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat are you talking about? Everybody\nremembers Harold Zoid!\n\nZOID\nAs a pathetic has-been, they remember\nme. As a forgotten relic, they remember\nme. Bah! It's better to die now.\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo. This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't\nbe responsible for. Zoidberg away!\n\n[He leaves with an ineffective walk.]\n\n[Outside Academy Awards. Florp arrives in a limo and photographers\nline the red carpet to take pictures of the stars. Joan Rivers's\nhead presents the TV coverage.]\n\nRIVERS\nHi, I'm Joan Rivers's head. I tell you,\nI've had so many face-lifts, they finally\nlifted it right off my body! It's true,\nit's true! Oh, oh, oh, here comes Jack\nNicholson's DNA, reconstituted in a\ngorilla body.\n\n[The gorilla walks up the carpet. Around the back Bender, wearing\na chef's hat, pushes a trolley towards a door. A doorman stops\nhim.]\n\nBENDER\nCatering.\n\n[The doorman lifts the lid off the plate. Zoidberg is underneath\nwith a pineapple in his mouth. The doorman gags and lets Bender\ninside. Joan Rivers introduces more stars on the red carpet.]\n\nRIVERS\nOh, and here's washed-up actor, what's-his-name,\nHarold Zoid. Are you presenting one\nof those tacky honorary awards, or just\ngetting one?\n\nZOID\nI'm a seat-filler, Joan's head. My only\nmarketable skill is to occupy space.\n\n[Academy Awards. Zoid sits between Calculon and Boxy.]\n\nCALCULON\nYou know, the second I don't win that\naward, you're cat food. Right, Boxy?\n\n[Boxy beeps and points a laser at Zoid. Some music plays and\nthe audience applauds.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nAnd now, the host of the 1074th Academy\nAwards, Billy Crystal.\n\n[The curtain lifts. Crystal's head is atop a giant Oscar statuette.]\n\nCRYSTAL\nNow I know how a Pez dispenser feels.\nAlright, we're already one hour behind.\nOur first award tonight, Best Cinematography\nin a Non-Visible Spectrum.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nIt's been two weeks. You wanna play\ntic-tac-toe again before we eat our\nshoes?\n\nLEELA\nOh, I always knew I'd die at the bottom\nof a pit. But a pit full of tar?\n\n[The ship bangs and tilts.]\n\nFRY\nWhat was that? A tar dolphin or a tar\nshark?\n\n[Leela looks at a scanner.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's some kind of hollow tube, devoid\nof human life. The Los Angeles subway!\nWe can blast our way in and escape!\n\nFRY\nAlright, but I still feel like having\na shoe.\n\n[He starts to eat it and Leela tries the engine.]\n\n[Academy Awards. Backstage, Bender peeps through a curtain.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat category are they on?\n\nBENDER\nThey're giving out the minor technical\nawards. I think they're up to writing.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat leave Best Soft-Drink Product Placement\nand then Best Actor. We don't have much\ntime.\n\n[On the stage, the next category is presented.]\n\nCRYSTAL\nAnd the nominees for Best Soft-Drink\nProduct Placement are:\n\nSLURM MACHINE\nStar Trek: The Pepsi Generation, They\nCall Me Mr. Pibb and Snow White And\nThe 7 Ups.\n\n[Backstage, Bender swaps the microphones over.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd now, to present the award for Best\nActor......a bit player in the flop\nmovie The Magnificent Three......Dr.\nZoidberg.\n\n[The audience applauds. Zoidberg throws Crystal's head out of\nhis jar and the audience cheers louder.]\n\nCALCULON\n(quietly) OK, Boxy, keep your prong\non the trigger.\n\n[Zoid whimpers.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd the nominees for Best Actor are:\nSir Lawrence...... in The Merchant Of\nVenus, Hive Mind Gamma 7X in Bikini\nParty Summer, the Soda Machine Robot\nin Bikini Party Summer, Mark Jones in\nHow Beige Was My Jacket and, instead\nof the fifth guy - Calculon, for his\npowerhouse performance in The Magnificent\nThree.\n\n[The audience murmur. Backstage are two men with ballot boxes.]\n\nMAN #1\nUh-oh, he read the wrong name.\n\nMAN #2\n(whispering) Shh, just play along, like\nthey did with Marisa Tomei.\n\n[Zoid cheers.]\n\nZOID\nHooray, I won't be murdered. I'll live\nanother day. Another day of...pathetic,\nforgotten misery.\n\n[Zoidberg sees his sad uncle and opens the envelope.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd the winner is... And the winner,\ninstead of any of the nominees, is the\nlegendary Harold Zoid!\n\n[Zoid runs onto the stage and the audience clap in confusion.\nZoid hugs Zoidberg.]\n\nZOID\nThank you. Thank you so much! You know,\nthrough all my ups and downs, I always\nthought the most important thing in\nlife was to win an Oscar. But tonight\nI realise what's really important is\nto win two Oscars. Ha, ha! I'm kidding,\nI'm kidding. What really matters in\nlife is that people care about you,\nwhether it's a whole crowd......or just\none die-hard fan.\n\n[He looks at Zoidberg. The audience claps and Jack Nicholson\nswings from a chandelier.\n\n[Ebola. Bender, Zoid and Zoidberg attend the Oscars party.]\n\nZOID\nThank you, nephew. Now I can die happy.\n10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills\nus.\n\n[Calculon and Boxy walk in.]\n\nCALCULON\nHarold Zoid!\n\nBENDER\nHit the deck!\n\n[He and Zoidberg cower under the table.]\n\nCALCULON\nWhere's that Oscar?\n\nZOID\nHere, enjoy. What are you getting upset?\nIt's slightly less fraudulent for you\nto have it.\n\n[He hands it to Calculon.]\n\nCALCULON\nYes, yes it's a real beauty. Someday\nI hope to win one of my own.\n\n[He puts it back on the table.]\n\nBENDER\nThen you're not going to kill us, Your\nMajesty?\n\nCALCULON\nNay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid\ntoo much to beat him to death with his\nown Oscar.\n\n[The crowd claps and the room shakes.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nEarthquake!\n\nBENDER\nHit the deck!\n\nZOID\nLet the earth quake, I've got somebody's\nOscar!\n\n[Hollywood Street. The tar-covered Planet Express ship bursts\nout of an L.A. subway terminal and glides to a stop outside Ebola.\nLeela and Fry walk down the steps.]\n\nFRY\nWe made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!\n\nDOORMAN\nI'm sorry, sir, this is a private -\noh, pardon me, I see you're with Mr.\nStallone.\n\n[Stallone's skeleton is stuck to Fry's leg. The doorman lets\nhim and Leela in.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Birdbot-Of-IceCatraz.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 309\n\n\"THE BIRDBOT OF ICECATRAZ\"\n\nBy\n\nDan Vebber\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Now With Chucklelin.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch while\nLeela perches on the end of it. Fry tears open a pack of Styro-Pak\nCookies.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, I know those cookies are fresh-a-licious\nbut they produce an awful lot of trash.\n\n[Fry takes out a small pack marked \"Top,\" opens it, takes something\nout and puts it in a weird looking machine. He throws the packet\non a pile of other packets. He rips open a pack marked \"Bottom\"\nand puts it in the other side of the machine. He rips open a\npack marked \"Middle,\" puts it in the middle of the machine and\npulls a lever on the machine. The machine compresses the cookie\nsections and makes a cream filled cookie. He pulls it apart a\nlicks out the cream from the middle. Bender sprays his antenna\nwith something and slicks it back.]\n\nBENDER\nAh!\n\nLEELA\nAnd Bender, that aerosol head spray\nmakes your head smell nice...\n\nBENDER\nThank you.\n\nLEELA\n...but it's doing long-term damage to\nthe planet.\n\nBENDER\nSo? It's not like it's the only one\nwe've got!\n\n[Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone! I'm sending you\non an extremely controversial mission!\n\nFRY\nControversial?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my no.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The lights are dimmed and there\nis a hologram in the middle of the table of the Planet Express\nship docking with a tanker.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFor this highly controversial mission,\nyou'll be towing the Juan Valdez, an\norbitting supertanker full of rich Columbian\ndark matter.\n\nLEELA\nDark matter oil? What if we hit something?\nThe tanker could leak!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nImpossible! The tanker has 6000 hulls.\nSo, unlike me, it's entirely leak-proof!\nNow, once you've hauled the tanker\npast the protestors -\n\nLEELA\nProtestors?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCorrect. 6000 hulls.\n\nLEELA\nWhy do we have to fly within three feet\nof this penguin preserve on Pluto?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(whispering) To avoid the tollbooth.\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela is wearing her green jacket and\nFarnsworth points at something on the ship to Bender. Fry walks\ndown the steps with an empty trolley.]\n\nFRY\nAlright, she's all restocked with emergency\njam. Let's get going.\n\nLEELA\nAt the risk of sounding negative: No!\nLook Professor, I can't participate\nin this mission.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat are you yapping about?\n\nLEELA\nThis time it's your reckless disregard\nfor the environment. In fact, I'm gonna\ngo join those protestors.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis is an outrage. I demand that you\nhand over your captain's jacket.\n\nLEELA\nThis is my normal jacket. I've had it\nfor 10 years.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI said hand it over! Well Fry, or should\nI say Captain Fry? No I shouldn't.\nBecause Bender is the new captain!\n\nFRY\nBender?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's right. Being a captain is about\nintuition and heart. A good captain\ncan't have either one. That's why cold,\nlogical Bender is perfect for the job.\n\nBENDER\nWell, I do think of human life as expendable.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Bender sits in the pilot's seat and Zoidberg\nmans a console.]\n\nFRY\nNo fair. Leela was training me to be\ncaptain. She even let me sit in her\nlap and steer - in this comic I drew.\n\n[He pulls out a piece of paper. Zoidberg turns around.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOoo, the new one's out!\n\n[He takes it.]\n\nBENDER\nFry, the title of captain may inflate\nthe human ego, but it's beneath the\nnotice of my mighty robo-logic! Now\nlook spry men! We launch at six bells!\n\n[He takes a bell out of his chest cabinet and rings it six times.]\n\n[A convoy of protestors in ship's fly towards the Juan Valdez\nwhich is orbitting Earth. They tow banners such as \"Save The\nCrested Spinepecker\" and \"Think Intergalactically, Act Interplanetarily.\"\nA Green Party ship full of Kif's people fly by and a larger ship\nbelonging to Penguins Unlimited flies by.]\n\n[Cut to: Penguins Unlimited Ship. A huge crowd of protestors\nare gathered on the deck. Preparing for a speech is Free Waterfall\nSr, father of Free Waterfall Jr who led the campaign against\neating Popplers in The Problem With Popplers.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nGreetings Econauts. I'm Free Waterfall\nSr, founder of Penguins Unlimited.\nWhoa! No, no! No applause. Every time\nyou clap your hands you kill thousands\nof spores that'll some day form a nutritious\nfungus. Just show your approval with\na mould-friendly thumbs up! Please\nhold your thumbs until the end. Now\nfolks, its time to stop that tanker\nwith a non-violent human circle.\n\n[Leela stands up.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy do we have to resort to non-violence?\nCan't we just kick their asses?\n\nWATERFALL SR\nNow little lady, those people's asses\nare living things too!\n\n[The Planet Express ship beeps as it back up and docks with the\nJuan Valdez, using a tow bar.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nBENDER\nAye! We're hitched up tighter than Davy\nJones' U-Haul! At ease men!\n\n[Fry swats a fly on his arm while lying back with his feet up.]\n\nFRY\nI am at ease.\n\nBENDER\nMr Fry. I like to give my first mate\nan informal nickname. From now on, you\nwill be known as...Wiggles!\n\n[He wiggles his fingers.]\n\nWIGGLES\nThe hell I will! Have you even read\nthe captain's handbook?\n\n[He holds up the Captain's Handbook - Now With Pop-up Sextant.\nBender takes it and flips through it quickly.]\n\nBENDER\nI have now. And what's Peter Parrot's\nfirst rule of captaining?\n\nWIGGLES\nAlways respect the chain-o-command -\ncaptain.\n\nBENDER\nCorrect Wiggles. You've just earned\nan invitation to the captain's table.\n\n[He leaves and Zoidberg leans over the back of his chair.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(whispering) The captain's table! What\nan honour!\n\n[Peace Ring. Hundreds of protestors have surrounded the tanker\nin a human circle.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nOur peace ring has 'em trapped like\na tiger in a washing machine!\n\n[The Planet Express ship's engine starts to flare up.]\n\nLEELA\nGet ready!\n\nPROTESTOR #1\nLook out!\n\nPROTESTOR #2\nHold on!\n\nWATERFALL SR\nHere they come.\n\n[The ship rises up from the middle of the peace ring and tows\nthe tanker over the top of the protestors. It flies away.]\n\nLEELA\nWhen you were planning this peace ring,\ndidn't you realise spaceships can move\nin three dimensions?\n\nWATERFALL SR\nNo I did not.\n\n[The protestors' ships fly into Pluto space and pass a sign saying\nPluto - Last Restroom Before Proxima Centauri.]\n\n[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The protestors walk towards the\nbuilding on the icy Pluto surface.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nFolks, that tanker gave us the slip\nbut we'll stop 'em here on Pluto! If\nyou're cold, rub your bodies with permafrost.\nIt's nature's long johns. If rubbing\nfrozen dirt in your crotch is wrong,\nhey I don't wanna be right!\n\n[Penguins Unlimited HQ. Enter the protestors. The building is\na huge glass dome. In the middle of the room are holes in the\nground with bars around them. Waterfall shows Leela what is inside.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nThis here is our penguin preserve.\n\n[In the holes baby penguins cheep.]\n\nLEELA\nAww they're so cute! They're like if\npuppies and kittens could have babies!\n\nWATERFALL SR\nWe use hand puppets around young uns\nto simulate a natural environment.\n\n[In the hole a man's arm with a penguin puppet over his hand\nappears from under the floor. The beak opens and the man feeds\nthe baby penguins little fish. They grab his hand and start biting\nit and one steals his watch. He screams.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's adorable.\n\n[The man screams louder.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies past Saturn with the tanker still\nin tow.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Rec Room. Bender has converted it to a captain's\nprivate dining room and uses the table tennis table to eat off.\nHe and Fry are in the middle of a pasta meal and he is in the\nmiddle of a speech.]\n\nBENDER\n...But I suppose it's this medal I'm\nmost proud of Wiggles. I won it for\nsaving the children of Earth from a\ngiant kangaroo. It was on the Australian\nnews, you probably didn't see it.\n\n[Zoidberg, sitting at the other end of the table across the net,\nclaps.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nBrilliant!\n\nFRY\nWould you cram a sock in it Bender?\nThose aren't even medals! They're bottlecaps\nand pepperoni slices.\n\n[Bender rings a bell and Zoidberg refills his glass.]\n\nBENDER\nThank you steward. Wiggles? Weren't\nyou about to propose a toast to your\ngallant captain?\n\nFRY\nFine, I've got a toast. To Captain Bender!\nHe's the best......at being a big jerk\nand his big ugly face is as dumb as\na butt.\n\nBENDER\nEh, I've heard better.\n\nFRY\nIf I were in charge I wouldn't treat\nyou like this. You're nothing but a\nbig blowhard.\n\n[He knocks Bender's bell off the table. Bender stands up.]\n\nBENDER\nSir, you forget yourself! Shut up!\n\n[He knocks Fry's plate off the table it hits the wall and slides\ndown to the floor. Zoidberg looks at it and dives to the floor\nand starts eating what's left of Fry's food.]\n\nFRY\nBeing captain is obviously more important\nto you than being my friend. I'm going.\n\nBENDER\nGoing? But, a captain can't drink without\nhis first mate!\n\n[Fry leaves. Zoidberg peeps over the edge of the table.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou can drink with me maybe?\n\nBENDER\nI don't feel like drinking.\n\n[He takes off his hat and starts to walk out.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen if you'll excuse me I see some\nravioli that only has two shoeprints\non it. Three.\n\n[The ship and tanker flies past Neptune, Urectum and Charon and\nheads for Pluto.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender is sober and his face is covered\nin five o'clock rust. He lies back in the pilot's seat and looks\nlike he is about to slide of as he wildly steers the ship singing\nan olde sea shanty.]\n\nBENDER\n(soberly singing) Oh Greenland is a\nbarren land, a land that bears no green.\nWhere there's ice and snow and the whale\nfishies blow and the -\n\n[Enter Zoidberg with a bottle of Olde Fortran Liquor.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCaptain please, have some liquor. You\nrobots need alcohol to function.\n\nBENDER\nGah! I once knew a guy...you look like\nhim. But he wasn't either. I'm a good\ncaptain.\n\nZOIDBERG\nPlease sir, I love you like a father!\n\n[Bender grabs the wheel and steers the ship sharply starboard,\nknocking Zoidberg off balance. He screams as he falls.]\n\n[Pluto Surface. The protestors hold up signs such as \"Give A\nHooto Don't Pollute Pluto!\", \"Preserve Our Useless Wasteland\"\nand \"Free Chilly Willy.\"]\n\nPROTESTOR #3\nHere they come, oh I hope they read\nmy sign!\n\n[He holds up the sign that reads \"Go Away Tanker!\" The ship and\ntanker fly over the planet surface upside-down.]\n\nLEELA\nBender's flying too low! And he's upside-down!\n\nPROTESTOR #3\nHe must be talking on a cell phone!\n\n[The tanker hits an iceberg and it scrapes a huge hole along\nthe hull releasing a torrent of dark matter oil.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The room is flooded with red light and\nthe message \"Danger\" repeatedly flashes on the screens. Bender\nsnores loudly. Enter Fry and Zoidberg.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's happening?\n\n[Zoidberg turns on another screen that displays the extent of\nthe damage to the tanker. There is a huge gash most of the way\nalong it's hull. A gauge at one side of the screen drops as the\ndark matter levels go down.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAll 6000 hulls have been breached!\n\n[Fry falls to his knees.]\n\nFRY\nOh the fools! If only they'd built it\nwith 6001 hulls! When will they learn?\n\n[Cut to: Pluto Surface. The leaking tanker speeds towards the\nscreaming protestors and a tidal wave of dark matter oil washes\ntowards them. Leela sighs and zips up her coat around her head.\nHer eye stares through her coat hood as the wave engulfs her\nand the others.]\n\n[Prison Cell. On the TV in the corner Morbo and Linda present\na news report under the headline \"Tanked!\"]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nContinuing our coverage of a tragic\n- but far away - story. The crisis on\nPluto worsens as dark matter spreads\nthroughout the penguin habitat. The\nimages are truly horrific.\n\n[The picture changes to oil-covered penguins. One coughs and\ntwo others slip on the oil with crazy sound effects added. The\ncaption on the screen reads \"Sound Effects Added To Lessen Tragedy.\"\nAnother penguin repeatedly slips over with boingy sounds to go\nwith it. Leela is interviewed.]\n\nLEELA [ON TV]\nI don't think any of those poor, oil-drenched\npenguins feel.\n\n[She slips over with added sound effects. The scene returns to\nthe studio and Morbo laughs.]\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nOily humanoid! At the time of the crash,\nthe tanker captain had an alcohol level\nof .08 percent - well below the legal\nlimit for robots.\n\n[A picture of Bender appears in the corner of the screen in a\npose remiscent of Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez,\nwith his arms up trying to hide his face from the cameras. Bender\nsighs and turns away from the TV and holds the cell bars. The\nHyper-Chicken lawyer paces around on the other side.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nSon, as your lawyer I declare y'all\nare in a 12-piece bucket o' trouble.\nBut I done struck you a deal; Five hours\nof community service cleanin' up that\nole mess you caused.\n\nBENDER\nFive hours? Aw man! Couldn't you have\njust gotten me the death penalty?\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nI'd have done better but it's plum hard\npleadin' a case while awaitin' trial\nfor that there incompetance!\n\n[He grabs hold of the bars. It is he who is in prison rather\nthan Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, uh, good luck with that.\n\n[He walks out.]\n\n[Pluto Surface. Bender scrubs the penguins while Smitty and URL\nwatch him.]\n\n[Cut to: Penguins Unlimited Shelter. The activists clean the\noil from the penguins. One baths them, Free Waterfall Sr rubs\nthem dry with a towel and Leela blow dries them. She puts one\ndown on the ground, licks her finger and rubs it's cheek like\na mother.]\n\nLEELA\nNow you stay away from those puffin\ntwins.\n\n[She sends it on it's way. Waterfall gives some more survival\ntips to people.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nGood way to avoid frostbite folks: Put\nyour hands between your buttocks. That's\nnature's pocket.\n\nLEELA\nUh...I think I'll go check on Bender.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nWatch that he doesn't pick your pocket.\n\n[Cut to: Pluto Surface. Bender holds a penguin over his head\nand wrings the oil into his mouth.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, can't beat fresh squeezed!\n\n[Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, can you at least pretend you're\nbeing punished? And clean the black\nparts too.\n\n[She walks off. Bender mocks her. Smitty and URL look at some\npenguins.]\n\nSMITTY\nAre they black with white feathers or\nwhite with black feathers?\n\nURL\nIt don't matter baby, they're all beautiful!\n\n[They hug.]\n\nBENDER\nYo, screws, more Tegrin over here?\nOh ho, what's this?\n\n[He ducks behind an ice rock, pulls a tuxedo out of his chest\ncabinet and puts it on. He lowers his legs to penguin height\nand wanders over to the flock of penguins and cackles evily.\nSmitty and URL stop hugging and look around. Bender is gone.]\n\nURL\nAww man, he got away!\n\nSMITTY\nI guess this is why chief says no hugging.\n\n[Time Lapse. The Penguins Unlimited group heads for the Penguins\nUnlimited HQ.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nGood work everyone. I suggest you all\ngo get some sleep. Me, well I'm gonna\nstay up all night singing songs about\npenguins in a fine piercing tenor.\n\nLEELA\nHas anyone seen Bender? (shouting) Bender?\nHere robot robot robot.\n\n[Penguins Unlimited HQ Rec Room. Fry and Zoidberg play on a games\nconsole. Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, why weren't you Kong donkeys outside\ncleaning up?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey sent us inside for doing an unsatisfactory\njob. (sadly) And eating penguin eggs.\n\nFRY\nYou ate most of them. So, where's Captain\nBender? Off catastrophising some other\nplanet?\n\n[He chuckles. Zoidberg slaps him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDammit Fry! He may have done wrong,\nbut he's still your captain.\n\nLEELA\nI'm worried about him. He didn't come\nback with the group.\n\nFRY\nHe didn't?\n\nLEELA\nNo. And with windchill it's 20 degrees\nbelow absolute zero. I'd better go find\nhim.\n\n[She pulls her hood over her head and starts to leave. Fry grabs\nher shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nWait. Let me. Bender and I have our\ndisagreements, but we're still friends\nand I'm gonna show him what that means.\nTo the ship.\n\nLEELA\nWhy don't you just walk? He was only\nabout 20 yards from here.\n\nFRY\nMadam, I am in command now.\n\n[He walks out and Zoidberg follows him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSuch a man. I'd follow him to hell and\nback I would.\n\n[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The ship takes off and reverses\naway from the building.]\n\n[Pluto Surface. Night has fallen and the penguins and Bender\nare asleep. Bender snores. The penguins suddenly wake up and\nstart walking. Bender, still asleep, walks with them. He wakes\nup and starts panicking.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat the? What's this water made of?\nIce? Forget this!\n\n[He swims away but a killer whale grabs hold of him \u00e0 la R2-D2\nin The Empire Strikes Back and starts throwing him around, diving\nin and out of the water. The whale spits him out and he lands\nhead first on the land. A surge of electricity wraps around him\nand he whistles and falls over then blacks out.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender starts to re-boot. His eyes open and his\nsystem starts scanning local lifeforms. The penguins. He resets\nto penguin mode and starts loading penguin language. Tasks: 1)\nAcquire Food. 2) Frolic. He stands up and looks around.]\n\nPENGUIN #1\n(in penguin) Full of fish?\n\nBENDER\n(in penguin) Not entirely.\n\nPENGUIN #1\n(in penguin) Then let's fish.\n\n[The penguins and Bender head back towards the lake.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Fry flys the ship through space and Zoidberg\nlook anxiously through the window.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCaptain, I don't think we're on Pluto\nany longer. In fact, we may have left\nspace as we know it.\n\nFRY\nThen where are we? You said you knew\nhow to navigate.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) Stop yelling at me!\n\n[He bursts into tears.]\n\n[Pluto Surface. The flock of penguins chatter to each other.\nBender looks sadly at a family of penguins. He looks away and\nsees a female penguin. He wanders over to her but a male penguin\nsteps in his way and squawks at him. He sees another female penguin,\nwalks towards her and kisses her perhaps. They both waddle off\ntogether.]\n\n[Montage The penguins fish for fish. They slide down an ice bank\nand dive into the water. Bender slides down halfway but his antenna\ngets stuck in the ice and he stops, causing a pile-up of penguins\nbehind him. Next he prepares to sit on some eggs to keep them\nwarm but accidentally squashes them instead. He looks embarrassed\nand covers the yolk stain on him with his tux tails. In the water\npenguins catch one or two fish in their beaks and Bender uses\nhis antenna to harpoon three at once. Back on land Bender stands\nup. There are two baby penguins underneath him. He sees another\npenguin regurgitate food for the little ones. He picks up a fish\nand throws it into his mouth which acts as a blender. At the\nend of the day Bender sits with the group of penguins and chatters.]\n\n[Penguins Unlimited HQ Meeting Room. On a blackboard is a diagram\nof one penguin, followed by an arrow, followed by lots of penguins.\nFree Waterfall Sr stands at a podium in front of the board. Hippies\nare on seats around the room.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nFolks it's worse than we thought. Seems\ndark matter is nature's sex drug. It's\nlike a perverted trail mix of penguin\nestrogen, penguin Viagra and Spanish\npenguin fly. Why, it's making them ultra-fertile.\n\nLEELA\nHow ultra?\n\nWATERFALL SR\nWell your garden variety penguin lays\none egg a year. Since the spill our\npenguins have been laying six eggs every\n15 minutes. Also the eggs hatch in\nonly 12 hours. Also the males are laying\neggs.\n\n[The hippies gasp again. A man faints and a doctor rushes to\nhim.]\n\nDOCTOR\nThis man is over-gasped.\n\n[He and another hippy carry the man out.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nIf the birds keep multiplying soon there'll\nbe too many to count. Before long they'll\nexhaust their food supply and starve\nto death.\n\nLEELA\nOh if only we hadn't flown penguins\nto Pluto and dumped oil on them, this\nmight never have happened. Can't we\nstop them from multiplying?\n\nWATERFALL SR\nYes I reckon it is our responsibility.\nAnd thankfully we have a plan.\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it? We'll do anything.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nEveryone grab your guns. I declare penguin\nhunting season officially open.\n\n[He pulls out a gun and cocks it and so do the other hippies.\nLeela looks around in horror.]\n\n[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. The penguins have multiplied\nso much that most of the once ice-covered landscape outside the\nbuilding is now filled with a sea of penguins.]\n\n[Cut to: Penguins Unlimited HQ Rec Room. The hippies clean out\ntheir guns while Leela protests the penguins' innocence.]\n\nLEELA\nYou can't shoot penguins. Isn't there\nsome way to prevent them from breeding?\n\nWATERFALL SR\nCold showers don't work on Antarctic\ncreatures. Now surely you agree that\na quick semi-painless death is a darn\nsight better than weeks of starvation.\n\nLEELA\nWell...I suppose...but...I mean...I\njoined Penguins Unlimited to love penguins,\nnot to hunt them.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nThis time the two are one and the same!\nNow are you with us or are you gonna\nlet innocent penguins suffer?\n\n[He pulls back a curtain. Outside the penguins are squashed up\nthe window like those healthy people in the Star Trek episode\nWink Of An Eye. Leela takes a step back.]\n\nLEELA\n(crying) Oh God it's inhuman! It's like\nHong Kong! I'll do it!\n\n[Outside Penguins Unlimited HQ. Leela is holding a gun.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nThat's a good old fashioned gun. Simple\npoint-and-click interface. Rifle check!\n\n[The hunters cock their guns and laugh.]\n\nHUNTER #1\nOh yeah!\n\nHUNTER #2\nWee doggy!\n\nLEELA\nHey, you're enjoying this.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nLook nobody enjoys shooting penguins.\nBut if you have to shoot penguins, well\nyou might as well enjoy it.\n\nLEELA\nI'm sorry but if it's fun in any way\nit's not environmentalism.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nOh really? How 'bout blowing up dams?\n\nLEELA\nYeah...that is fun.\n\n[He cocks his gun.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nLet's conservate!\n\n[Outside Ship. The ship glides through space...with a giant space-squid\nholding onto it. Fry screams.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting; from ship) It's been an honour\nto serve under you sir!\n\n[Pluto Surface. Leela walks over the icy surface with her gun.\nShe crawls to a ledge and sees a flock of penguins.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, this is for their own good.\nDon't leave orphans. Gotta kill entire\nfamilies. But they're so cute. No!\nYou can do this. It's just like murdering\na little butler. I...I can't look.\n(crying) Oh no! What have I done? Oh\nyou poor little guy! I'm so sorry I\n- Bender? What's going on? Were you\nhiding out with these little guys?\n\nBENDER\nOf course not. Filthy ice rats. Scat!\nShoo! Gah! What are you doing? Get\naway!\n\nLEELA\nAww, they love you!\n\nBENDER\nWell I don't love them. Aww! I don't\nknow why but when I look down at their\nlittle faces, it makes me wanna puke!\nIn a good way!\n\n[They hear some guns firing and turn around and see the hunters.]\n\nPENGUINS\n(in penguin) Stand still. It's our only\nhope.\n\nBENDER\n(in penguin) That's Puffin talk. Now\nfollow me!\n\n[He runs away and they follow. Leela turns to the hunters.]\n\nLEELA\nStop! Stop shooting! It's me, Leela.\n\n[A hunter shoots off a bit of her hood.]\n\nHUNTER #2\nSorry.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nWhy aren't you firing randomly into\nthose birds little lady? Don't you wanna\nhelp 'em?\n\nLEELA\nNot this way.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nWhat? Why you're not a tree-hugging\nkook at all!\n\nLEELA\nLook, I don't know if shooting penguins\nwill help the environment or not. But\nI do know that the decision shouldn't\nbe in the hands of people who just wanna\nkill for fun.\n\nWATERFALL SR\nLeela, you may just be farming some\nfree-range truth there. On the other\nhand we just made up 200 pounds of batter\nfor penguin tempura. OK boys, it's them\nor us!\n\n[They cock their guns.]\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\n[They get ready to shoot but the penguins are gone.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\nHey where'd they - ?\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Attack!\n\n[He and the penguins are standing on a ledge behind the hunters.\nThey slide down the ledge head first towards the hunters. Leela\ndives out of the way and the penguins swarm at the hunters.]\n\nHUNTER #1\nWhoa!\n\nHUNTER #2\nOw!\n\nBENDER\n(in penguin) We will fight them on the\nbeaches! We will fight them on the glaciers!\n\n[Some penguins catch up with Waterfall and he falls over. They\nengulf him and start to eat him.]\n\nWATERFALL SR\n(shouting) Make sure they use every\npart of my body!\n\n[Waterfall's father - a man with a silly hat, a big beard and\nbraces - shakes his fist at the penguins.]\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\n(shouting) I'll avenge your death son!\n\n[Leela and Bender watch the penguin feast.]\n\nLEELA\nThey used to be such peaceful birds.\nI suppose this was your doing.\n\nBENDER\nYep. It's like I taught 'em. If it ain't\nblack and white - peck scratch and bite!\nNow to take off my tuxedo. Guys, it's\nme! Your lovable dictator! Uh-oh!\n\n[The penguins start to chase them. One pecks Bender's shiny metal\nass. They come to the top of an ice hill and peer over the other\nside. It is very steep.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, if only we had a toboggan.\n\n[She looks Bender up and down.]\n\n[Time Lapse. They both slide down the mountain.]\n\nBENDER\nFaster! Faster!\n\n[Leela - the toboggan - slides down the hillside faster. They\nslide onto a piece of ice jutting out into the water. Bender\nstomps across it and cracks it and it floats away from the land.\nThe penguins watch them float away.]\n\nLEELA\nPhew!\n\nBENDER\nOh phew! Oh right they can swim. It's\nall coming back to me now.\n\n[The penguins climb onto the ice block and Bender and Leela back\naway to the other side. The penguins surround them. The Planet\nExpress ship flies overhead.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's Fry!\n\nBENDER\nWiggles?\n\n[Fry lands the ship on the other side of the ice block. It's\nweight tips the ice back and the penguins slide down it. The\nwhale appears on the other side and the penguins slide into it's\nmouth \u00e0 la Orca.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, at least it'll help reduce their\npopulation.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, life is hilariously cruel. Permission\nto come aboard Wiggles?\n\n[Fry pulls him up onto the lift.]\n\nFRY\nGranted. We can't take off without our\ncaptain.\n\n[He takes off Bender's hat and gives it to him. Leela coughs.\nShe is still hanging on to the edge of the ice block.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, and bring my toboggan.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Fry flies the ship away from Pluto.]\n\nFRY\nSo Leela, were you able to help the\npenguins?\n\nLEELA\nWell sure. I mean...not really...I mean...nature\nwill work itself out. It can't screw\nthings up any worse than we did trying\nto fix things right?\n\nFRY\n(mumbling) I 'unno.\n\nBENDER\nAh, quit your worrying. Thanks to my\nshining influence those stupid birds'll\ndo just fine.\n\n[Cut to: Pluto Surface. The shadows of two penguins creep over\ntwo abandoned guns. They pick the guns up, point them at each\nother and cock them.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Luck-Of-The-Fryrish.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 310\n\n\"LUCK OF THE FRYRISH\"\n\nBy\n\nRon Weiner\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Broadcast Simultaneously One Year\nIn Future.]\n\n[(Old New York; The Past) Brooklyn Pre-Med Junior Hospital. A\nwoman is in labour in a delivery room. Her husband sits in the\ncorner reading Cold Warrior magazine. They are Fry's parents.]\n\nDOCTOR\nPush Mrs Fry, push!\n\nMR FRY\nYou can do it honey! Squeeze one out\nfor America!\n\n[He goes back to reading his magazine.]\n\nMRS FRY\n(shouting) Hey keep it down it's the\n9th inning!\n\n[She holds a portable radio to her ear.]\n\nMRS FRY\nSwing the bat you bum!\n\n[The doctor lifts up a baby. It cries.]\n\nDOCTOR\nIt's a boy. And look at that red hair.\n\nMR FRY\nYou sayin' my son's a commie?\n\n[Mrs Fry cheers.]\n\nMRS FRY\nThis is the happiest day of my life!\n\n[The doctor puts the baby on her lap.]\n\nDOCTOR\nHere's your baby ma'am.\n\nMRS FRY\nYeah OK thanks.\n\nMR FRY\nSo, what should we name him?\n\nMRS FRY\nUh, you pick. I picked dinner last night.\n\nMR FRY\nWell, I was thinking Philip. After those\nscrewdrivers?\n\nMRS FRY\nThat's a fantastic idea. More morphine\nplease.\n\n[Hospital Room. Mr Fry puts Philip in a bed and introduces his\nbrother to him.]\n\nMR FRY\nLook Yancy, its your baby brother Philip.\n\nYANCY\nI wanna be named Philip! Me Philip!\nMe Philip!\n\nMR FRY\nSon your name is Yancy, just like me\nand my grandfather and so on. All the\nway back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who\nblasted commies in the American Revolution.\nPhilip, until I find a suitable model\nof an ICBM you'll have to make do learnin'\nto fear this toy spacecraft.\n\n[He turns the mobile on and leaves. Philip laughs as the mobile\nturns around. Yancy snatches away the rocket.]\n\nYANCY\nMine! Mine!\n\n[Philip starts crying. Yancy throws the rocket out the window.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Present (i.e. The Future)) The Planet Express\nship flies down to Earth and lands in the car park outside Flushing\nDowns.]\n\n[Flushing Downs Stands. The horse race starts and the crew stand\nup and cheer.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) C'mon!\n\nHERMES\n(shouting) Baby needs a new pair of\nshoes!\n\nZOIDBERG\nTo hell with your spoiled baby, I need\nthose shoes!\n\n[The horses cross the finish line.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo fair! You changed the outcome by\nmeasuring it.\n\n[He tears up his slip. Fry looks through some binoculars.]\n\nLEELA\nHow'd you do Fry?\n\nFRY\nI'll tell you when my horse finishes...bad.\n\n[Cut to: Flushing Downs Luxury Box. Mr and Mrs Wong and Amy stand\ntalking in the box while a classy orchestra plays for them.]\n\nMR WONG\nIn today's field we own four horses\nand two jockeys.\n\nMRS WONG\nWe just put our best jockey out to stud\nAmy, he's perfect for you!\n\n[The very short jockey strolls up behind Amy.]\n\nJOCKEY\nHey baby, ever do it in a suitcase?\n\n[Cut to: Flushing Downs Stand.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo look! It's the centaur race!\n\n[The bells rings and the centaurs start running around the track,\nhorsewhipping themselves as they go. Fry crosses his fingers.]\n\nFRY\nCome on, come on! Hey Leela, how 'bout\na kiss for good luck? I meant tongue\nluck.\n\n[The centaurs cross the finish line.]\n\n[Fry groans.]\n\nFRY\nI am so unlucky! I've run over black\ncats that were luckier than me.\n\n[Flushing Downs Horse D'Oeuvres Stand.]\n\nMAN\nGet your piping hot horse burgers, horse\nfries, horse cake and shakes. We got\ntongue straight from the horse's mouth.\n\nLEELA\nHmm.\n\nHERMES\nIt all sounds good.\n\nMAN\nAll our horses are 100% horse fed for\nthat double juiced in horse goodness.\n\nLEELA\nI'll have a cholesterol free omelette\nwith horse beaters.\n\nMAN\nAnd you sir, how can I horse you?\n\nHERMES\nI'll have a horse coke.\n\nMAN\nHorse Pepsi OK?\n\nHERMES\nNeigh.\n\n[Flushing Downs Stables. Bender sneaks in disguised as a horse.\nHe innocently whistles and injects a horse with Comatonin. It\nyawns. Bender chuckles. The jockey runs in behind him.]\n\nJOCKEY\nHey what are you doing?\n\nBENDER\nThis.\n\n[He injects the jockey and he falls over asleep.]\n\n[Flushing Downs Stand. Bender is back with the group. Fry prays.]\n\nFRY\nDear Horse God, I know I don't usually\npray to you, sometimes I doubt you even\nexist. But if you're willing to grant\nme luck, please, stamp your hoof once.\nCome on number six move it! Don't\ndo that! What are you - Man it's contagious!\n\n[The one horse that started the race gallops over the finish\nline.]\n\n[Bender's slip flashes. He has won $2500. He cheers.]\n\nBENDER\nThat'll teach those other horses to\ntake drugs!\n\n[Fry tears up his slip.]\n\nFRY\nThat's it! You can only take my money\nfor so long before you take it all,\nand I say enough. I've got one dollar\nleft, and this one I'm holding onto!\nOh no you don't! I may not know much\nabout horses but I know a lot about\ndoing anything for one dollar! If you\nthink bad luck can defeat me then you\ndon't know my name is Philip J -\n\n[He reaches over to the wire with the rake but it electrocutes\nhim. He pulls the rake away and breathes a sigh of relief. Then\nhe gets struck by lightning and falls.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Flushing Downs. Fry has landed upside down in\na dustbin and is smoking from the lightning strike. The Horse\nD'Oeuvres man comes outside through a door carrying a bucket\nof horse leftovers.]\n\nMAN\nThat is one unlucky guy!\n\n[He pours the bucket over Fry and leaves.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Past) Basketball Court. 12 year old Fry dribbles\nthe ball where Yancy can't get to it.]\n\nFRY\nKareem's got the skyhook but Philip\nJ. Fry's got the spacehook!\n\n[He throws the ball but it bounces off the basket. Yancy chases\nafter it and dribbles it back to the basket.]\n\nYANCY\nYancy drives, he goes up with his patented\nspacehook!\n\n[He throws the ball and it goes through the hoop.]\n\nFRY\nHey. That's my patented spacehook! You\nstole it!\n\nYANCY\nYou're not the president of it!\n\n[He points at the ball and Fry runs to get it. He looks across\nat the grass next to him and sees something growing there. A\nseven leaf clover. He picks it up.]\n\nFRY\nHoly camolie! A seven leaf clover!\n\nYANCY\n(shouting) I'm dying of old age!\n\n[Fry tucks the clover into his sweatband and dribbles the ball\nback onto the court. He shoots, Yancy jumps to get the ball but\nmisses and the ball goes through the hoop. Fry cheers.]\n\nFRY\nPhil wins! Yancy's fans are stunned!\nThere'll be no celebration at the Yancy\ndome!\n\nYANCY\nLucky.\n\n[Fry takes the clover out from his sweatband and gawps at it.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Present) Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew\nare gathered around the table. Fry is nearly bald from the lightning\nstrike and Bender whistles while he counts his winnings.]\n\nLEELA\nWell someone's in a good mode.\n\nBENDER\nLet's just say I lucked out at the track!\nAlso I rigged one race.\n\nFRY\nPah. I'd have won a lot of money too\nif I still had my lucky seven leaf clover.\nPlus I'd still have my hair.\n\n[Enter a Hairbot which has replacement hair for the crew growing\non it.]\n\nHAIRBOT\nI got your page Mr Fry, your new hair\nis ready!\n\n[He takes the hair off his head and puts it on Fry's head. Fry\nshuffles it into place.]\n\nAMY\nSo whatever happened to this seven leaf\nclover?\n\nFRY\nI hid it in a secret hiding place who's\nlocation I never told anyone. Not even\nScruffy.\n\n[Scruffy leans against the doorframe suspiciously and walks out.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo the clover is still in the hiding\nplace maybe?\n\nFRY\nHey yeah! Maybe it is still there! Underground\nin the ruins of Old New York. Helping\nsome ant defeat another ant or helping\nsome piece of dirt turn it's luck around.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDirt doesn't need luck.\n\nFRY\nI'm going down there to get my clover\nback. Now some of the tunnels have metal\nbars so I'll need someone who's good\nat bending. Leela how 'bout you?\n\nLEELA\nSure I'll do it.\n\nBENDER\nLike hell you will. Bending's my middle\nname.\n\nFRY\nIt is?\n\nBENDER\nYep. My full name is Bender Bending\nRodriguez\n\n[Street. In the middle of the road Fry lifts a PJ's manhole cover.]\n\nFRY\nHere's the entrance. From this moment\non I declare my bad luck officially\nover.\n\n[The ladder gives way beneath him and he plummets into the darkness\nthen lands in a heap. Bender and Leela peer into the hole.]\n\nBENDER\nHe was fun.\n\n[Ruins Of Old New York. Fry, Bender and Leela walk down a deserted\nruined street. Leela holds up her wrist thing.]\n\nLEELA\nWell if we get bored I've got Tetris\non this thing.\n\n[The crew come to the edge of a cliff top and ahead of them are\nlots of ruined buildings.]\n\nFRY\nLook, up ahead.\n\nBENDER\nOld New York. The city that inspired\na casino in Las Vegas.\n\n[Time Lapse. They continue walking down a street.]\n\nFRY\nWow! We've got Manhattan all to ourselves!\nI can finally do all the crazy stuff\nI always dreamed of doing! Howard Stern\ns overrated! Uh, oops!\n\nBENDER\nNew York is so burned.\n\nFRY\nAnd remember when Mayor Giuliani cracked\ndown on jaywalking?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nFRY\nWell Rudy, how'd you like this action?\n\n[He walks across the road and a huge lizard flattens him.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Past) New York Street. A bunch of guys dressed\nin late 80s crap stand around. Fry and Yancy are with them.]\n\nGUY #1\nAs you know the big breakdance is Saturday.\nSo if we wanna win those Jam Master\nJ autographed parachute pants our crew\nhas to pop, lock and bust the freshest.\nNoticwably F.A.T., drop us a beat.\nName?\n\nFRY\nCosmic F.\n\nGUY #1\nStyle?\n\nFRY\nOuter space.\n\nGUY #1\nSpecial moves?\n\nFRY\nThe moonwalk...the robot...the zero\nG!\n\n[He steps back and Yancy steps forward.]\n\nGUY #1\nName?\n\nYANCY\nCosmic Y.\n\nGUY #1\nStyle?\n\nYANCY\nUh, deep space!\n\nFRY\nDeep space??\n\nGUY #1\nSpecial moves?\n\nYANCY\nThe spacewalk...\n\n[He copies Fry's moonwalk.]\n\nFRY\nHey!\n\nYANCY\n...The robot...\n\n[He copies Fry's robot.]\n\nFRY\nThe robot? That's similar to mine!\n\nYANCY\nThe zero G!\n\n[He copies Fry's zero G.]\n\nFRY\nWhat are you doing? You totally ripped\noff my routine.\n\nYANCY\nYou callin' me a biter?\n\n[Noticeably F.A.T. stops beating and everyone gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWhy do you always have to steal everything\nfrom me Yancy? Find your own life and\nlive it.\n\nYANCY\nStop illin'! Word!\n\nFRY\nWell I'd like to see you try and steal\nthis. the septuple head spin.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nYANCY\nHe's just scratching. No one's ever\ndone more than a quadruple.\n\nFRY\nOh yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the\ntape.\n\n[And he does. Fry pulls the clover out of his shoe and tucks\nit into the sweatband on his head. He does the head spin.]\n\nGUY #1\nCrazy sucker!\n\nGUY #2\nPhil, you're hot!\n\nNOTICEABLY F.A.T.\nThat was ice cold bro!\n\nGUY #1\nFry if I ever see you try anything that\ncrazy again, this crew might just have\nsome new parachute pants!\n\n[Everyone cheers and Fry gawps at the clover again.]\n\nYANCY\nStop hogging the clover.\n\n[He struggles to get it from Fry. Fry pushes him away and runs\naway. Yancy chases him.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Present) Ruins Of Old New York. Fry gets up off\nthe road and dusts himself off.]\n\nFRY\nAlright team, let's go find that clover!\n\nLEELA\nWhich way to your house? The sign says\nwe're at 71st street.\n\n[Fry looks at the sign.]\n\nFRY\n71st street? Hmm, never heard of it.\nDowntown could be in any direction.\n\nBENDER\nNo sweat, we'll just take a spin on\nthe B-train!\n\n[Cut to: Ruined Station. Bender attaches himself to the train\ntracks and electricity shoots through him and he giggles.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo that feels funny! This is the Brooklyn\nbound B-train making local stops at\nwherever the hell I feel like. Watch\nfor the closing doors.\n\n[He makes a bing bong noise and sets off down the track.]\n\n[Newkirk Avenue Station Ruins. Bender stops at the station and\nFry and Leela get off. A hobo is asleep on Bender's back.]\n\nBENDER\nWake up buddy end of the line!\n\n[The hobo mutters and climbs off. Fry looks around.]\n\nFRY\nGosh my old neighbourhood! That's the\nbench where I found some shirts! That\nfire hydrant! In summer we'd light it\non fire! On that corner, some guy with\na bushy beard handed out a socialist\nnewsletter!\n\nBENDER\nWas it poorly xeroxed?\n\nFRY\nYou'd better believe it!\n\nLEELA\nThe old comedians were right, this place\nis a lot different from LA!\n\n[A mutant pokes his head up through a sewer grate.]\n\nMUTANT\nPardon me but did I overhear you saying\nyou used to live here?\n\nFRY\nThat's right.\n\nMUTANT\nDid you know Andy Goldman?\n\nFRY\nYeah, he was my neighbour. Why?\n\nMUTANT\nI mutated from him!\n\nFRY\nGet out of here! What's Andy up to these\ndays?\n\n[Andy's head suddenly pokes out from the mutant's chest.]\n\nANDY\nThe short answer is I'm teaching.\n\n[The mutant disappears back into the sewer.]\n\nLEELA\nHe seemed nice.\n\nFRY\nSure when he's sober!\n\n[Outside The Ruins Of The Frys' House.]\n\nFRY\nHoly camolies! The house I grew up in!\nIt's still there!\n\n[The house is a battered ruin.]\n\nBENDER\nMan, father time really took a bat to\nthis place.\n\n[Fade to: (The Past) Outside The Frys' House. It looks exactly\nthe same. Yancy chases Fry into the house.]\n\nYANCY\nThat stupid clover is a worthless piece\nof garbage! Give it give it give it!\n\n[Cut to: The Frys' Living Room. Mrs Fry is playing miniature\ngolf.]\n\nFRY\nMom! Help!\n\n[Mrs Fry hits the golf ball and breaks the cup she was aiming\nfor.]\n\nMRS FRY\nYes!\n\n[Enter Fry and Yancy.]\n\nFRY\nMom, Yancy's trying to steal my clover.\n\nMRS FRY\n(uninterested) Yancy, stealing is wrong.\n\n[Yancy starts chasing Fry again.]\n\nYANCY\nI'm gonna pile drive you! You're dead\nmeat!\n\n[Cut to: The Frys' Basement. Mr Fry reassembles a torch.]\n\nMR FRY\nWhat's happenin' up there? Did Kremlin\nJoe let fly with the nukes?\n\nFRY\nNot yet commander. Yancy's just trying\nto steal my stuff as usual.\n\nMR FRY\nWell he'd better keep his hands off\nthese bananas. Gonna need them when\nthe radiation turns us all into monkeys.\n\n[He lifts a crate of bananas onto the table and climbs the ladder\nout of the basement. Fry pulls a sheet off something and takes\nhis clover out of his pocket.]\n\nFRY\nThe Ronco Record Vault! Yancy'll never\nget his hands on you in here or my money\nback. Ah The Breakfast Club soundtrack!\nMan I can't wait til I'm old enough\nto feel ways about stuff! Stay safe\nclover. I may need you again someday.\n\n[He runs up the stairs.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Present) The Ruins Of The Frys' Basement. Enter\nFry, Leela and Bender.]\n\nFRY\nThis was the storage room. My dad spent\nyears turning it into a bomb shelter.\n\nLEELA\nAnd yet you guys never had a single\nnuclear war.\n\nBENDER\nWhat a waste.\n\nFRY\nThis is it! My Ronco Record Vault!\nI still remember the combination. Three.\nIt's stuck.\n\nBENDER\nThe Achilles heel of the Ronco design\nis it's structural resonance frequency.\nAllow me. There we go!\n\n[Fry pulls out the record.]\n\nFRY\nHere it is. The Breakfast Club soundtrack.\n\nBENDER\nYou mean breakfast club sandwich?\n\nFRY\nI hid my seven leaf clover in this very\nrecord jacket so my brother Yancy wouldn't\nget it. Here goes. It's gone! the\nwhole place has been cleaned out! Yancy\nstole my clover! That thief!\n\nLEELA\nHow do you know it didn't disintergrate?\n\nFRY\nEverything else in here held up OK.\n\nBENDER\nExcept Sports by Huey Lewis.\n\n[The Ruins Of Prospect Park. Fry, Leela and Bender walk back\nup the street without the clover.]\n\nFRY\nI don't know why my brother hated me\nso much.\n\nLEELA\nAw, brothers always fight. I'm sure\ndeep down he loved you. He just never\ngot a chance to say it before you got\nfrozen.\n\nFRY\nYou think? 'Cause I always kinda wished\nthat -\n\n[He gasps. In front of them is a huge statue.]\n\nBENDER\nWho is that God-like figure?\n\nFRY\nIt's my brother Yancy! And there in\nhis lapel - my seven leaf clover! I\nknew he stole it.\n\nLEELA\nHold the phone. If that's Yancy then\nwhy does the inscription read Philip\nJ. Fry?\n\nFRY\nWait a second! That's my name! Good\nLord. He ditched his goofy name and\nstole mine!\n\nBENDER\nApparently this brave adonis, this cadillac\nof men, was the first person on Mars.\n\nFRY\nFirst person on Mars?? I should have\nbeen the first person on Mars! He stole\nmy clover, he stole my name and he stole\nmy life! And now he broke my hand.\n\nBENDER\nHis legend lives on.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The statue now stands in the room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo you opened the record vault and the\nclover was gone?\n\nBENDER\nYep, nothing in there but all the best\nmusic of the 1980's in one amazing collection.\n\nLEELA\nSurvivor, Pat Benetar, The Scorpions.\nThe list goes on.\n\nFRY\nThat clover helped my ratfink brother\nsteal my dream of going into space.\nNow I'll never get there.\n\nLEELA\nYou went there this morning for doughnuts.\n\n[Hermes reads the statue's inscription.]\n\nHERMES\nFirst person on Mars? Oh so your brother\nwas that Philip J. Fry!\n\nFRY\nI'm Philip J. Fry! He stole my name\nafter I got frozen.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nShut up friends. My internet browser\nheard us saying the word \"Fry\" and it\nfound a movie about Philip J. Fry for\nus. It alwso opened my calendar to\nFriday and ordered me some French fries.\n\n[An image of Yancy appears on the screen and changes as the narrator\nnarrates.]\n\nFRY\nThat should have been me!\n\n[In the movie Yancy board a small plane.]\n\n[Yancy closes the plane's door and a picture of the clover is\non it.]\n\nFRY\nThat's my clover! Yancy stole it!\n\nFRY\nThat's what I'm known for!\n\nMAN [IN MOVIE]\nPhil came in right, sturmmed out this\ntune yeah. And I said \"That's a number\none record!\"\n\n[The scene changes to an cemetary orbitting the Earth.]\n\nFRY\nSo that's where my clover is? Hey, is\nthat orbitting cemetary near here?\n\nLEELA\nIt will be in a couple hours.\n\nFRY\nGood. Leela, Bender, we're going graverobbing.\n\nBENDER\nI'll get my kit.\n\n[Fade to: (The Past) The Frys' Living Room. A woman slips a camoflage\ntuxedo onto Yancy.]\n\nYANCY\nThanks for lending me your tux Dad.\nIt'll be perfect for my wedding.\n\nMR FRY\nYancy, that tux got me through Nam in\nstyle! I just wish your brother were\nstill around to see this.\n\nMRS FRY\nI'll never forget the day Philip disappeared.\nWisconsin won the rose bowl 17-9. Oh\nI miss him.\n\n[Mr Fry pats her leg.]\n\nYANCY\nOh that reminds me. I was thinking of\nrummaging through Phil's records for\nsomething to play at the wedding.\n\nMRS FRY\nHave a look downstairs. Your brother\nmay be missing but his crap sure isn't.\n\n[The Frys' Basement. Yancy sorts through a box marked Phil's\nStuff. He gets out a Whitefish flag and puts it to one side.\nHe pulls out a piece of paper with a crude drawing of a rocket\nand a figure standing on top of it. The figure is labelled \"Phil\"\nand at the bottom of the paper is \"By Philip Fry Aged 20\". Yancy\nfolds it up and puts it in his pocket. He tries Fry's record\nvault but it won't open. He gets a pot of Doh-Doh out from the\nbox, sticks it to the vault, lights it and blows the door open.\nHe pulls out a random record.]\n\nYANCY\nHmm Breakfast Club, this'll clear out\nthe room at the end of the reception.\n\n[He flips the record over and the clover falls out of the sleeve.\nHe picks it up and gasps.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Present) The Planet Express flies up from the\nEarth and lands inside Orbitting Meadows National Cemetary.]\n\n[Cut to: Orbitting Meadows National Cemetary.]\n\nLEELA\nThey buried your brother in the world\nheroes section? I'm impressed.\n\nFRY\nI should be the one in that grave!\n\n[The pass two guards who salute. Fry and Leela salute them and\nBender whacks his head with the spade.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nFRY\nHmm. We lost Bender.\n\n[Bender is digging up a nearby grave.]\n\nBENDER\nThere. Now no one will be able to say\nI don't own John Larroquette's spine!\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew approach Yancy's grave.]\n\nFRY\nAha! My brother's grave!\n\n[The monument on top of the grave is in the shape of a rocket\nand Yancy is chiselled onto it. Leela reads the inscription.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) Philip Fry, the original Martian.\n\nFRY\nIt's all lies every word of it! He wasn't\noriginal, he wasn't a Martian, he wasn't\nPhilip Fry and since when is he a the?\n\nBENDER\nYou're twice the the he ever was.\n\nFRY\nIt's clovering time!\n\n[They start to dig. Fry hits the monument with his spade and\nknocks some moss off it. He reads the hidden inscription.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Past) Yancy's House. Yancy's wife nurses a baby\nwhile Yancy stands over them.\n\nYANCY'S WIFE\nSo, had any ideas for names Yancy?\n\nYANCY\nUh, I'm sorta thinking one. Daddy has\na present for you today. Do you know\nwhat it is? It's a lucky clover that\ncan help you be successful at anything\nyou do - even breakdancing - and it\nonce belonged to someone very special.\n\nYANCY'S WIFE\nI know what name you wanna give him\nYancy. It's OK.\n\nYANCY\nReally? Son, I'm naming you Philip\nJ. Fry in honour of my little brother,\nwho I miss every day. I love you Philip,\nand I always will.\n\n[He looks across the room. Hanging over the baby's cot is the\npicture Fry drew of him on the rocket. Yancy kisses Philip and\nhe giggles.]\n\n[Fade to: (The Present) Orbitting Meadows National Cemetary.\nFry reads the inscription out loud.]\n\nFRY\n(reading) Here lies Philip J. Fry, named\nfor his uncle, to carry on his spirit.\n\n[Bender forces open the coffin.]\n\nBENDER\nPay dirt! I got the clover! Plus his\nwedding ring. Sorry ladies, I'm taken!\nHey Fry you want me to smack the corpse\nup a little?\n\n[Fry, tears in his eyes, takes the clover from Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment\nalone.\n\n[She helps him out of the grave.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright grab a shovel. I'm only one\nskull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.\n\n[He and Leela walk away. Fry puts the clover back in the grave\nand smiles. The episode plays out with Simple Minds' Don't You\n(Forget About Me).]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Cyber-House-Rules.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 311\n\n\"THE CYBER HOUSE RULES\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Please Rise For The Futurama Theme\nSong.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. On the TV, Morbo and Linda present an\nearly morning breakfast programme called Good Morning Earth.\nThey are wearing pyjamas and sit in a cosy sitting room set.]\n\nMORBO\n...So I gave the cookies to Fawn and\nthe kids and they couldn't believe it\n-- they were delicious. But, I digress.\n(shouting) Tremble, puny earthlings!\nOne day my race will destroy you all!\n\n[Leela, Fry and Bender eat while they watch. The doorbell rings.]\n\nLEELA\nCould one of you guys get that?\n\n[They both shake their heads she narrows her eye at them.]\n\n[Planet Express: Entrance Foyer. Leela opens the door and looks\naround but there doesn't appear to be anyone there. She hears\na squealing noise, looks down and gasps.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's a doorbell baby! Hello, little\nguy. You know, I was abandoned as a\nbaby too, so --\n\nBENDER\nGarbage, huh? I'll take care of it.\n\n[He starts stamping on the basket.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, stop! It's a baby!\n\nBENDER\nA baby what? Ow!\n\n[Leela bends down and unwraps the blankets. There is no baby\ninside. Instead, there is a green card with a sad looking kid\non it holding up an empty food dish. Written along the top of\nthe card is \"Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium\".]\n\nLEELA\nOh, it's just a card -- from the orphanarium\nI grew up in.\n\n[The card speaks with a child's voice.]\n\nCARD\nLeela, you're invited to reunion at\nCookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium.\nPlease stand clear of self-destructing\nbasket.\n\n[The basket explodes.]\n\nBENDER\nA reunion at your old orphanarium, eh?\nYou gonna go?\n\nLEELA\nNo way, jose-bot. I never wanna see\nthose other orphans again! Not after\nthe way they used to pick on me.\n\n[Flashback: In the kids' playground at the orphanarium (where\neverything is broken) the kids stand around young Leela, pointing\nand chanting.]\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!\n\nKIRK\nNice depth-perception, one-eye!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nHow can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're\nblind!\n\nKIRK\nMy eyes may not work, but at least I\ngot two of them!\n\n[He laughs again. Leela sighs.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFRY\nAww. That's terrible, Leela. But imagine\nthe look on their faces when you show\nup with two friends who eat all the\nhors d'oeuvres.\n\nLEELA\nWell, I wouldn't mind rubbing my success\nin a few choice faces.\n\nBENDER\nSet a course for adventure!\n\n[Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Lobby. There a broken,\nleaking pipes running across the ceiling, the windows are barred\nup and owls scavenge around the floor. Leela is wearing a purple\nsuit.]\n\nFRY\nEww!\n\nBENDER\nWhat a dump!\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nJust like old times. Gosh. The bars\non the windows seemed so much thicker\nback then. Mr. Vogel? Remember me?\n\nVOGEL\nLeela! You're worthless and no one will\never love you!\n\n[They both laugh.]\n\nLEELA\nYou used to say that all the time!\n\nVOGEL\nOh, those were happier days.\n\n[Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Gymnasium. A \"Welcome,\nOrphans\" banner has been strung up across the ceiling and the\nroom has been decorated with balloons and streamers. There is\na sign that says \"Please Abandon Coats In Lobby\" next to the\nbuffet table where Fry and Bender stand.]\n\nFRY\nMmm! The gristle-in-a-blanket isn't\nhalf bad.\n\nBENDER\nMmm! And try one of these Popsicle sticks.\nThey've absorbed quite a bit of flavour.\n\nLEELA\nHey, look. It's our old group picture.\n\n[They look at a black and white photo of the orphans and a younger\nVogel. Fry squints.]\n\nFRY\nI don't see you anywhere.\n\nLEELA\nThat's me over in Cootietown.\n\n[She points at herself, standing apart from the group. Bender\npoints at someone in the back row.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa! Get a load of this average-looking\nguy!\n\nLEELA\nThat's Adlai Atkins. I used to have\nkind of a crush on him.\n\n[Flashback. The scene continues from earlier with the kids still\nchanting.]\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) One-eye! One-eye!\n\nFRENCH GUY\nStupid as a French guy!\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!\nOne-eye! One-eye! One-eye! One-eye!\nOne-eye!\n\n[Adlai chants with the others and Leela looks at him with lovey\neyes and sighs.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, it's time to say hello to the\nold gang.\n\n[She gulps down her drink, then Bender's and then the water from\na vase of flowers. On the other side of the gym, the orphans\nhave turned into bums.]\n\nMAN #1\nSo, watcha been up to since you left\nthe orphanarium?\n\nMAN #2\nUh, living in a box, fighting the shakes.\nYou?\n\nMAN #1\nSelling kidneys, teeth; whatever falls\nout of me.\n\nLEELA\nAnd what am I up to, you ask? Well I'm\na very successful space captain.\n\nMAN #2\nOh.\n\nMAN #1\nWow.\n\nMAN #3\nHow nice for you, Leela.\n\nWOMAN\n(patronising) That's so good for a person\nwith one eye.\n\nLEELA\nHey! You can't feel sorry for me! I'm\na space captain and you're all a bunch\nof losers.\n\nMAN #1\nUh, right, right. We're the losers!\n\n[He coughs and a tooth falls out of his mouth. Kirk arrives.]\n\nKIRK\nWell, if it isn't old one-eye!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, yeah? Well, shut up, cane boy!\n\nMAN #3\nHe can't hear you. He's deaf now.\n\nADLAI\nLeave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly\nnormal life. She's not gussied up, duded\nout, getting down or where it's at.\nNow, run along.\n\n[The other five leave.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks, Adlai. I guess you never really\noutgrow being an eyeball -- oddball!\n\nADLAI\nNonsense. You're a space captain. That's\na fine, conventional profession.\n\nLEELA\nWell, you know. It's just for a package\ndelivery service.\n\nADLAI\nAh-ah. A package is just a box until\nit's delivered.\n\nLEELA\nHuh. I'd never thought of it that way.\nSo what do you do these days?\n\nADLAI\nOh, I'm a doctor.\n\nLEELA\nA tall doctor, you say?\n\n[She brushes her fingers through her hair. At the bar, Bender\ndrinks down one glass while another is being refilled. Vogel\nstands behind Fry with 12 kids.]\n\nVOGEL\nSir, you seem pretty stable. Have you\nthought about adopting one of our kids?\n\nFRY\nSure haven't.\n\nVOGEL\nWell keep adoption in mind. It's a great\nway to have kids without having sex.\n\nFRY\n(thoughtful) Really?\n\nVOGEL\nPlus, the government will help out with\na small stipend of $100 a week.\n\nBENDER\n$100 a week?\n\n[He spits out his drink, has it refilled, drinks it and spits\nit out again. Aldai and Leela look at the group photos.]\n\nADLAI\nI'm so sorry I teased you back then.\nLet me make it up to you. I can fix\nit so that no one ever makes fun of\nyou again.\n\nLEELA\nYou mean by beating them up? Because\nI've broken that blind kid's nose like\n10 times and it doesn't make any difference.\n\nADLAI\nNo, I specialise in phaser eye surgery.\nI can build you a paraffin eye and graft\nit on with skin from your foot. It won't\nbe able to see but you'll look like\na perfectly normal two-eyed person.\n\nLEELA\nMe? Perfectly normal?\n\n[She touches her eye and it squelches. Fry eats more of the hors\nd'oeuvres and turns around when he hears laughing kids. Bender\nis with the kids.]\n\nBENDER\nSons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.\n\nFRY\nHey, why are those kids following you?\nDo you have candy stuck to your ass?\n\nBENDER\nNo. It's called parenting. Come on,\ndumplings. We've got 12 government stipends\nto collect.\n\nKIDS\n(cheering) Yay!\n\nBOY\nOur daddy's a giant toy!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the conference\ntable.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPhaser eye surgery is a capital idea.\nI'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping\nat her eye all the time.\n\n[He stares open-mouthed at her.]\n\nAMY\nI think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela.\nI used to be too cute, so I had cuteness-reduction\nsurgery here......and here.\n\n[She points to her nose.]\n\nFRY\nYou guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need\nsurgery. You look great the way you\nare.\n\nLEELA\nOh, that's so sweet, Fry. But for once\nin my life, I just wanna look normal.\n\nFRY\nBut you're better than normal, you're\nabnormal. If you ask me, you shouldn't\ncare what other people think.\n\nLEELA\nYou're right! I'll start by not caring\nwhat you think! I'm getting the surgery.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThatagirl!\n\nAMY\nRight on!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWonderful. And while you're under the\nknife, you could also get an ink pouch\nto help you escape your enemies.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's the stupidest idea I've ever\nheard you imbecile!\n\n[He raises a rolled-up newspaper at Zoidberg. Zoidberg sprays\nink at his face and runs off, whooping.]\n\n[Taco Bellevue Hospital. There is a sign outside that says \"Normal,\nHealthy Baby? Super-Size It For 49c!\" Inside, the Planet Express\nstaff and Adlai stand around Leela's bed. The entire top half\nof Leela head is covered with bandages.]\n\nADLAI\nNow we'll find out if the operation\nwas a success. Hold on to your hats.\nOh, I'm sorry, this is the wrong patient.\nOops.\n\n[He scribbles on a new pupil with a marker pen.]\n\nAMY\nLeela, those eyes look so great on you.\n\nFRY\nBah! I think she looked fine before.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo.\n\nAMY\nUh-uh.\n\nHERMES\nWrong.\n\n[Leela looks at herself in a mirror.]\n\nLEELA\nWow, look at me. Although I don't have\nthe hang of blinking yet.\n\nADLAI\nYou'll get it. Personally, I try not\nto blink too much because it seems flashy.\nBut when I do, I enjoy it.\n\n[She tries again and succeeds this time. She gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nI did it! I blunk!\n\nHERMES\nAnd just in time to screw up this picture\nI took!\n\n[He shows her a photo of her blinking.]\n\nLEELA\nHooray!\n\n[Montage Scene. Leela gets accustomed to her new life to Roy\nOrbison's Pretty Woman. She carries a box marked \"Leela's Monocles\"\nthrough the front door of her apartment building at drops it\nin the bin. Later, she comes out of the Eye Robot wearing two\npairs of sunglasses, a pair of binoculars and carrying a pair\nof theatre specs. She walks past Mom's sons and winks at them.\nThey stop and bump into each other.]\n\nWALT\nOw!\n\nIGNER\nOw!\n\nLARRY\nOw!\n\n[Amy shows Leela how to apply eyeliner. She puts it across her\neyes first and watches Leela try. Leela smears it all the way\nacross her brow. Amy shakes her head, licks her finger, and rubs\nit off in the middle. Leela smiles. On the street, Leela bumps\ninto Kirk. She takes his hand and feels her face with it. He\ngroans with disappointment.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy and Fry are sat\non the couch.]\n\nLEELA\nI've never felt so unremarkable! Today\nI actually blended in with a crowd!\n\n[She laughs. Bender walks in with the kids.]\n\nBENDER\nKids, meet the jerkbags I work with.\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) Hello, jerkbags!\n\nAMY\nOh, they're so cute! What are their\nnames?\n\nBENDER\nKids have names?\n\nNINA\nMy name's Nina, and his name's Albert\n--\n\nBENDER\nAnd from now on, you're all named Bender\nJr.! Looky here! My first government\nstipend cheque! 12 baby humans, 1200\nwing-wangs!\n\n[Sally, a girl with an ear on her face, tugs Bender's arm.]\n\nSALLY\nDaddy Bender, we're hungry.\n\nBENDER\nWhat is it with you kids? Every other\nday, it's food, food, food! Oh, fine.\nI'll get you some stupid food.\n\nALBERT\nCan we have Bender burgers again?\n\nBENDER\nNo. The cat shelter's on to me!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry scrubs one of the landing feet and\nLeela welds something along the ships side. Adlai comes in wearing\na grey Hawaiian shirt.]\n\nADLAI\nHello, Leela. I was in a nearby tailor\ngetting one of my Hawaiian shirts toned\ndown, so I thought I'd drop in for your\nfollow-up exam.\n\n[Leela giggles.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's so handsome of you.\n\nADLAI\nJust follow the light with your eyes.\nPerfect! You know, a guy could fall\nhead-over-heels for a gal like you.\nAs for me, I'm somewhat interested\nmyself.\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you saying?\n\nADLAI\nI've never been good with words, which\nis why I'm in such a delicate conundrum.\nWill you go out with me this Sunday?\n\nLEELA\nSure!\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nADLAI\nI don't know what else to say, so I'll\njust say it. Okey-dokey, see you then.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\nFRY\nThis is so unfair! I liked you back\nwhen you were a cyclops! That guy's\nonly interested now that you have two\neyes.\n\nLEELA\nYou're just jealous!\n\nFRY\nNo, I'm not! Oh, wait, I am. But my\npoint remains valid!\n\nLEELA\nFry, I just wanna try dating a normal\nman, who if you go somewhere with him\nno one says he's crummy. I think I deserve\nthat once in life.\n\n[Zoidberg holds her arm.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nBe careful with Adlai, Leela, he's a\ndoctor, they're very poor.\n\nLEELA\nActually, most doctors are rich.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat? When did this happen? You're joking,\nright? That's not funny!\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender takes the kids in.]\n\nBENDER\nOK, they've got everything you need\nhere: Booze, a couple of peanuts, they\ngot a crapper in the back -- that's\none of the things you kids do, right?\n\nALBERT\nYeah.\n\nBENDER\nThen knock yourself out. Hey! Hey!\nOnly eat enough to barely keep yourselves\nalive! I'm trying to make a profit here.\n\n[He sits on a stool and reads a newspaper.]\n\nNINA\nDaddy! Bethany's hitting me!\n\nBENDER\nHere.\n\n[He hands her a blernsball bat and she runs off with it, laughing.\nA fembot sits next to Bender.]\n\nFEMBOT\nThese kids yours?\n\nBENDER\nYeah.\n\nFEMBOT\nOoh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility!\n\nBENDER\nThat's me, baby! Let me just ditch the\nkids in an alley and we can go have\nsome fun.\n\n[A boy taps Bender.]\n\nBOY\nDaddy Bender?\n\nBENDER\nSon, daddy's trying to score with a\ncheap floozy right now, so we need you\nto cram a Tinkertoy in it!\n\nBOY\nI love you, Daddy Bender!\n\n[He hugs him. The other kids start hugging him too.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, what the hell are you doing? Quit\nhugging me!\n\nFEMBOT\nI guess you're busy. I'll catch you\nlater.\n\n[She leaves.]\n\nBENDER\nYou morons! I don't know what you're\ntrying to pull here but I got half a\nmind to hug each and every one of you\nand see how you like it!\n\nKIDS\n(cheering) Yay!\n\nBENDER\n(grumbling) Oh, come on!\n\n[Adlai's Car. He drives Leela away from the city.]\n\nADLAI\nI thought I'd take you someplace ordinary\n-- a place no one could object to.\n\nLEELA\nThat sounds wonderful.\n\n[Outside Municipal Arboretum. Adlai opens the gate and lets Leela\nthrough. On the fence is a sign that reads \"Yes, We Have Looking\nAt Trees\".]\n\n[Municipal Arboretum. A couple stop by an Altairean Bouquet Tree.]\n\nMAN\nI'd like and extra-beautiful bouquet\nfor my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.\n\n[The tree hands the man some flowers and he hands them to the\nwoman. They walk away and Leela and Adlai arrive.]\n\nADLAI\nAverage, please.\n\n[The tree hands him a bunch and he hands them to Leela. She smells\nthem.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, Adlai, I've had a wonderful time\ntoday. No one's stared at me or avoided\nstaring at me or tried to burn me. You\nmake me feel so not weird.\n\nADLAI\nLeela, you're 999,999 in a million!\n\n[She smiles and they lean in to kiss. Adlai pecks her on the\nlips and she freezes for a moment then smiles weakly.]\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Adlai and the Planet Express staff sit\naround a table, though Bender is not with them.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks for coming out to get to know\nmy boyfriend. Isn't he dreamy?\n\nZOIDBERG\n(mesmerised) Totally.\n\n[He eats a cracker.]\n\nADLAI\nUh, listen: I just want you all to know\nyour Leela's one standard lady.\n\nLEELA\nOh, Adlai, stop!\n\nFRY\nWhat's so wonderful about Leela being\nnormal? The rest of us aren't normal\nand that's what makes us great. Like\nDr. Zoidberg: He's a weird monster who\nsmells like he eats garbage and does.\n\nZOIDBERG\nDamn right!\n\nFRY\nAnd the professor's a senile, amoral\ncrackpot. Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.\n\nHERMES\nTally me banana.\n\nFRY\nAmy's a klutz from Mars.\n\n[Amy drops the glass she is drinking from and it smashes.]\n\nAMY\nSploops!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd Fry, you've got that brain thing.\n\nFRY\nI already did! So, Leela, do you wanna\nbe like us? Or do you wanna be like\nAdlai with no severe mental or social\nproblems whatsoever?\n\nLEELA\nThat's the dumbest question I ever heard!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nShe's right!\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo doubt about it.\n\nAMY\nDuh!\n\nHERMES\nDaylight come!\n\n[Bender runs through the restaurant carrying a high chair.]\n\nBENDER\nComing through, watch your heads!\n\n[He wangs Zoidberg on the head as he passes him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHelp! I'm under attack!\n\n[He sprays the others with ink. Bender is sat with the kids at\nanother table.]\n\nBENDER\nRemember your manners, kids. Forks go\nin the left pocket, spoons in the right.\n\n[Elzar arrives with a plate of food.]\n\nELZAR\nWhich one of you cutie muffins gets\nthe children's spicy squab?\n\n[A little boy comes out of Bender's chest door.]\n\nLITTLE BOY\nMe!\n\nBENDER\nAh-ah-ah! What do we say when someone\ngives you something?\n\n[The boy turns to Elzar.]\n\nLITTLE BOY\n'Bout time!\n\nBENDER\nThat's my boy!\n\n[He closes the door on him.]\n\nELZAR\nAnd here's your check. Bam!\n\n[Bender looks at it and gasps. Albert taps his arm.]\n\nALBERT\nI gotta go poopy!\n\nBENDER\nWell you should've gone poopy before\nit was time to run out on the check!\nC'mon! Go, go! Through the kitchen!\n\n[They leg it.]\n\nELZAR\n(shouting) You little crooks! If I catch\nyou I'm going to make cutie-muffin gumbo!\n\n[They run past the other table and Bender laughs as they run\nthrough the door.]\n\nADLAI\nYou know, seeing that strange robot\nforce 12 children to do his bidding\nmakes me think about kids of our own.\n\nLEELA\nUs? Me? You? Kids?\n\nADLAI\nThat's correct. It's time to stop living\nthis vida bachelor loca, settle down\nand have kids.\n\nLEELA\nOh, Adlai, this is the most beautiful\nmoment of my life!\n\n[Zoidberg woops and sprays her with ink.]\n\n[Fry and Bender's Spare Room. The room has six bunk beds in it.\nThe kids run around screaming and laughing and bouncing on the\nmattresses. Fry and Bender play poker. Albert jumps on Bender.]\n\nALBERT\nDaddy Bender, I want a piggy back ride.\n\nBENDER\nDaddy's tired. Let's just have another\ndog pile on Fry.\n\n[The kids dive on Fry.]\n\nSALLY\nTell us a story, Daddy Bender.\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) Story! Story! Story!\n\nBENDER\nAlright, fine, gather round.\n\n[The kids cheer.]\n\nNINA\nWe wanna hear this one again!\n\n[She hands him something and he opens it and clears his throat.]\n\nBENDER\n(reading) \"Bender's Arrest Record\" by\nthe police. On March 3rd at 2pm, Bender\nwas caught shoplifting!\n\nALBERT\nYeah, show us the picture! There he\nis!\n\nBENDER\nOK, kids. It's 9:00, you know what that\nmeans. Daddy's sick of looking at you\nso go to bed. The grown-ups have to\ntalk. Come on, Ma.\n\n[He and Fry leave.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. On the door is a newspaper\nclipping with a photo of Fry on it. The headline reads \"Primitive\nHuman Found In Cryo-Tube\". Bender slides the door shut.]\n\nBENDER\nNow to figure out how much money I'm\nraking in off those twerps! Oh, I need\na calculator.\n\nFRY\nYou are a calculator.\n\nBENDER\nI mean a good calculator. Minus the\nfood, the bunny rabbit wallpaper --\nI'm getting 100 bucks a kid and they're\ncosting 110!\n\n[Fry tuts.]\n\nFRY\nThere goes my new kitchen cabinets.\n\nBENDER\nI'm not sitting through one more PTA\nmeeting. The kids have got to go!\n\n[The little boys opens Bender's door.]\n\nLITTLE BOY\nDaddy, how do I flush you?\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Just go to bed!\n\n[The boy climbs out and runs off. Bender pushes his antenna down\nand flushes himself.]\n\n[Adlai's Lounge. He and Leela sit at a table doing a jigsaw.]\n\nADLAI\nYou know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of\na pacifier factory makes me want to\nhave children with you all the more.\n\nLEELA\nAdlai, I was thinking. Since we're both\norphans, maybe we should adopt a child.\n\nADLAI\nAdoption? Yes, that's acceptable. Heck,\nit's more than acceptable. It's adequately\nsatisfactory!\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Adlai opens Fry and Bender's\ndoor and he and Leela go in. There is a sign above the door that\nsays \"Honest Bender's Stolen Car Parts Boutique\" and scribbled\nbelow it \"And Orphanarium\".]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. The kids are up again and running\naround. Bender is on the phone.]\n\nBENDER\nHello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant? I've\ngot a herd of you-know-whats for sale...Let\nme check. Oh, aren't you a cutie?\nAbout 35lbs. What?!\n\n[Fry points and Bender panics and hangs up.]\n\nLEELA\nHi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child.\n\n[Bender stands up.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, you've come to the right place\nbecause Honest Bender's Orphanarium\nmeans discount orphans. Now, little\nlady. What do I have to do to send you\nhome with 12 orphans today?\n\nADLAI\nUh, I'm afraid we only want one.\n\nBENDER\nWhatever you say, chief. I'll show you\nwhat I got in stock.\n\n[He walks into the kids' room.]\n\nLEELA\nI remember this from when we were kids:\nThe warden would trot you out in front\nof prospective parents and they'd judge\nyou like a piece of meat.\n\n[The kids are lined up. Albert steps forward.]\n\nALBERT\nI'm Albert.\n\nLEELA\nKind of fatty.\n\n[Bender pushes Nina forward.]\n\nBENDER\nThen how about this little number? Pure-bred\nhuman. No vampire in there.\n\nLEELA\nUh, um.\n\nADLAI\nHmm.\n\nBENDER\nIf you're strapped for cash, you might\nwanna consider this irregular unit.\nCursed with a third ear but so full\nof that emotion that I understand is\ncalled \"love\".\n\nSALLY\nOne time, I did a hundred jump ropes.\n\nLEELA\nOh, I can't decide. We're gonna have\nto think about it.\n\nBENDER\nOK, kids, grown-ups gotta talk, time\nfor bed.\n\nALBERT\nBut it's 10 in the morning!\n\nBENDER\nI said hit the hay!\n\n[The kids run.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Spare Room. The kids get into bed and\nBender flicks the light off.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, they're all so adorable.\n\nBENDER\nYeah. You know, it's times like this\nI can hardly bear to let them go. Goodnight,\nyou princes of Maine, you kings of New\nNew England.\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge. The police break down the door.]\n\nSMITTY\nYou're under arrest for child cruelty,\nchild endangerment, depriving children\nof food, selling children as food and\nmisrepresenting the weight of livestock.\n\n[Time Lapse. Smitty slaps the cuffs on Bender and the other police\nlead Fry and the kids out.]\n\n[Prison Cells. Smitty locks Fry, Bender and the kids in a cell.]\n\nLEELA\nOfficer, would it be alright if we adopted\none of the kids?\n\nSMITTY\nMight as well. They're just gonna rot\nin the evidence locker.\n\n[He and URL leave. The kids laugh and point at Sally.]\n\nKID #1\nNice ear!\n\nKID #2\nHey, freaky ears!\n\nKID #3\nHow's you ear?\n\nLEELA\nI've made up my mind. Let's adopt her.\n\n[She points at Sally.]\n\nADLAI\nHer? But there's plenty of normal ones.\n\nLEELA\nCome on, Adlai. She could really use\na mom and dad.\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) Ear-face! Ear-face! Sally\nwon the ugly race!\n\nADLAI\nOn the other hand, the children bring\nup a good point. She does have an ear\non her face.\n\nLEELA\nWell? So what? She may be different\nbut she still deserves a good home.\n\nADLAI\nOh, alright. If you really want that\none, I can give her an operation to\nmake her acceptable.\n\nLEELA\nShe doesn't need an operation! She's\nfine the way she is!\n\nADLAI\nOh, and I suppose you were fine the\nway you were?\n\nLEELA\nDamn right I was!\n\nFRY\nYay!\n\nLEELA\nShut up, Fry. Now look, Adlai. I'm proud\nto be different. And I just wished I'd\nrealised that when I was her age.\n\nSALLY\nI also have a tail!\n\nLEELA\nNow take me to the hospital and put\nmy eye back the way it was. Right now!\n\nADLAI\nWhy should I do that?\n\n[Leela slams him against the bars.]\n\nLEELA\nListen, buddy. By the end of the day,\none of us is going to have one eye.\n\n[Outside Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium. People are\ncrowded around the front door as Vogel makes a speech.]\n\nVOGEL\nIn recognition of Bender's generous\ngift of 12 orphans and a government\ncheque for 1200 wing-wangs, I hereby\nrename this building the Bender B. Rodriguez\nOrphanarium!\n\n[The crowd cheers and Vogel shakes Bender's hand. Leela's eye\nis back to how it was before.]\n\nFRY\nIt's good to have the old weird-looking\nLeela back.\n\n[They hug.]\n\nLEELA\nAww! You're a true friend, Fry. I guess\nthere's nothing wrong with being a little\nweird.\n\nFRY\nLeela, there's nothing wrong with anything.\n\n[The kids say goodbye to Bender.]\n\nALBERT\nWe'll miss you, Daddy Bender.\n\nNINA\nWe know robots don't have emotions but\nwe drawed you this picture!\n\n[She shows him a crude picture of him and the kids.]\n\nSALLY\nSo if you ever miss us, even just a\nteeny bit, you can look at it.\n\n[Bender takes the picture.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane.\nSheesh! Hey, what the? Get away! Come\non! I just got all the gum off of there!\nHey! Hey! (shouting) I hate you! I hate\nyou all!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Insane-In-The-Mainframe.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 312\n\n\"INSANE IN THE MAINFRAME\"\n\nBy\n\nBill Odenkirk\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela are in an oval.]\n\nANNOUNCER\n(voice-over) Futurama is brought to\nyou by ... ... Thompson's Teeth: The\nonly teeth strong enough to eat other\nteeth.\n\n[The man eats a spoonful of teeth from a bowl.]\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Bender's Humor by Microsoft Joke.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.\nZoidberg is wearing a suit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone! Today marks our\ndear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year\nwith Planet Express. Huzzahs are in\norder.\n\n[The crew react uninterestedly.]\n\nFRY\n(unenthusiastic) Huzzah!\n\nLEELA\n(unenthusiastic) Huzzah!\n\nAMY\n(unenthusiastic) Huzzah!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!\n\nHERMES\nI will now read the mandatory speech.\n(reading) Dear employee: Has it really\nbeen five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please\ndisregard this and get back to work.\nDistribute token of appreciation and\napplaud.\n\n[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and\ntakes out two coupons.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLook! Coupons! I can get two oil changes\nfor the price of one! Now if I could\nonly afford the one ... and the car.\nAh, the years! So many memories, so\nmany strange fluids gushing out of patients'\nbodies--\n\nHERMES\nYes, yes. Now here's your pension statement.\nIt's empty because you haven't paid\ninto it, you dumb stinkbug!\n\n[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou kept track of it all these years!\n\n[He hugs Hermes. Fry smacks his head.]\n\nFRY\nOh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into\nthe pension either. What'll I do when\nI retire?\n\nBENDER\nI thought you were retired.\n\nFRY\nHey, I don't see you planning for your\nold age.\n\nBENDER\nI got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off\nswitch to \"off\".\n\nFRY\nWell I'm gonna take action. It's time\nto check on my retirement fund. Damn!\nStill only $100.\n\nFRANKLIN\n(on bill) A penny saved is a penny earned.\nAlso, could you get some athlete's foot\ncream for my face?\n\nFRY\nHe's right! I've gotta start investing\nwisely.\n\n[Outside 7^11. Fry and Bender sit on the kerb. Bender drinks\nbeer.]\n\nFRY\nWell, I'm down to my last lottery ticket.\nCherry. Cherry! Mule. Crud!\n\nBENDER\nSo, you got six bucks left to retire\non. I recommend Tender Vittles.\n\n[Big Apple Bank.]\n\nTELLER\nYou're opening a retirement account\nfor $6? I'm sure a wealthy ... ...\nmule farmer like yourself is aware that\nwe charge a $10 monthly fee.\n\nFRY\n(shrugging) You gotta spend money to\nmake money.\n\n[The teller presses some buttons.]\n\nTELLER\nHere you are, sir. Your account is now\noverdrawn by $4.\n\n[An orange robot in the queue behind Bender becomes impatient\nand nudges Bender.]\n\nROBOT\nGee, I've seen lines move faster in\na sperm bank.\n\nBENDER\nThat's for sure-- Roberto! Is that\nyou?\n\nROBERTO\nBender! Hey, man!\n\n[He punches Bender's body a few times and then in the head which\nmakes it spin. Bender stops it from spinning and laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nYou old lunatic! How you been?\n\nROBERTO\nNot bad, not bad. Everybody on the\nfloor! This is a stick-up!\n\n[The customers scream and do as he says. Fry screams and hides\nbehind a plant. Bender seems oblivious.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, I'm doing OK too. I'm taking\na Chinese cooking class at the Learning\nAnnex.\n\nROBERTO\nCool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here?\n\nBENDER\nSure thing, pal.\n\n[He picks up the bag. Fry moves behind the plant.]\n\nROBERTO\nHey, you! Red! Quit watering that plant\nand get the door!\n\n[Fry runs for the door and kicks a woman on the way.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, nice talking to you.\n\nROBERTO\nSame here. You guys are alright! Here's\nsomething for your trouble.\n\n[He gives then a bag each and leaves.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Big Apple Bank. Roberto runs off down the street.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, thanks, buddy!\n\n[Police cars pull up around the door and Smitty and URL jump\non Fry and Bender.]\n\n[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]\n\nSMITTY\nFreeze, punks! You're under arrest!\n\nNIXON\n(on $1000 bill) Shoot them in the back!\nQuick! While they're not looking!\n\n[Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. Fry and Bender are represented\nby the Hyper-Chicken lawyer. Bender is wearing a tie and jacket.]\n\nBAILLIF\nCourt is in session. The Honourable\nJudge Whitey presiding.\n\nWHITEY\nThe charge is bank robbery. Now, my\ncaddie chauffeur informs me that a bank\nis a place where people put money that\nisn't properly invested. Therefore,\nrobbing a bank is tantamount to that\nmost heinous of crimes: Theft of money!\n\n[He bangs his gavel.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The surveillance camera is in the witness box.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nAs the surveillance camera for the bank\nwhat all the judge was a-jawing about,\ncould ya'll tell us what you done seen\nthe day of the crime?\n\nCAMERA\nWell, let's see. My memory's a little\nfuzzy, but it went exactly like this:\n\n[It projects a black and white picture of Fry and Bender taking\nthe money from Roberto. The court gasps.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nYour Honour, I move that I be disbarred\nfor introducing this evidence against\nmy own clients.\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is in the witness box.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nMr. Fry, do you recognise the robot\na-huggin' on you in this here hologram?\n\nFRY\nI sure do! That's the real robber and\nI'll never forget his name as long as\nI live. And that name is--\n\n[The projection goes off and Fry gasps. He sees a badly-disguised\nRoberto at the back of the court. He waves his knife at Fry.\nFry chokes.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Fry! Just give a name. You\ndon't wanna look stupid on Court TV!\n\nFRY\nYou're right. You're right. It was--\n\n[A mobile phone playing Mozart's Eine Kleine Nacht Musik as a\nringtone goes off. It is Judge Whitey's.]\n\nWHITEY\nYes? What? You say if I testify I'll\nbe killed? Oh. It's for you.\n\n[He holds it out to Fry. Fry takes it.]\n\nROBERTO\n...and the other hamburger will...\n\n[Roberto is sat among other people who don't seem to notice he\nis talking on his phone.]\n\nROBERTO\n...also be made of your lungs. So long,\npal.\n\n[He hangs up. Fry gulps and leans into the mic.]\n\nFRY\nI refuse to testify on the grounds that\nmy organs will be chopped up into a\npatt\u00e9.\n\nWHITEY\nAh, the 67th Amendment.\n\n[The Hyper-Chicken leans into Bender.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nI may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken\nbut I know when we're finger-licked.\nWhattya say we plead insanity?\n\nBENDER\nA few months in an insane asylum? I\ncould do that standing on my head.\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nIf you start now, it might help our\ncase.\n\n[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken pecks and scratches at the floor.]\n\nWHITEY\nCounselor, what evidence do you offer\nto support this new plea of insanity?\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nWell, for one, they done hired me to\nrepresent them.\n\n[Whitey bangs his gavel.]\n\nWHITEY\nInsanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender,\nI hereby commit you to the asylum for\ncriminally insane robots until such\ntime as you are deemed cured.\n\nBENDER\nYahoo! The system fails again!\n\nWHITEY\nAnd, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the\nhome for criminally insane humans.\n\nBAILIFF\nYour Honour, that facility has been\nfull ever since you ruled that being\npoor is a mental illness.\n\nWHITEY\nOrder! Order! The only poor people\nI want to hear about are the people\nwho tend to my pores at the spa. Just\nsend them both to the robot loony bin\nand let's go.\n\n[Two men wrap Fry and Bender in bubblewrap and one stamps \"Defective\nElectronics\" on Fry's forehead. They are put into a cardboard\nbox and it is taped up. The men then \"roll\" the box out of the\nroom by tipping it onto each side.]\n\nFRY\n(from box) Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!\nOw! My head! Ow! My feet!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nKeep your chin up!\n\nFRY\n(from box) Ow! My chin!\n\n[Hal Institute For Criminally Insane Robots. Fry, Bender and\nother robots move through a room along a conveyor belt. Fry taps\nBender on the shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nI don't belong here, Bender. This is\nan asylum for insane robots!\n\nBENDER\nWell, you meet half the qualifications.\n\n[He laughs. The robots move through a door with a sign saying\n\"Physical Exam\" over the doorway.]\n\nFRY\nOh, good, a physical! Once they examine\nmy fragile, naked, pink body, they'll\nsee I'm not a--\n\n[A chute sucks his clothes clean off his body leaving him with\nnothing but his naked pink skin. He moves along the belt, through\nthe door and screams.]\n\n[Montage: In another room, Bender is picked up by a magnet and\ntaken through the ceiling somewhere. The magnet tries to pick\nup Fry but just prods him. Fry screams. Later, a drill bit drills\nthrough Bender's head as he hums. Fry is next and screams when\nhe sees the drill. The drill goes into his mouth and rotates\ninside. Next is a gamma ray scan. Bender passes through and we\nsee a bat flying around in his chest cabinet. Fry gets one next.\nHis stomach acid starts to boil.]\n\nFRY\nWhat the--?\n\n[He burps.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) I find that offensive!\n\n[Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. Dr. Perceptron, a doctor\nof Freudian Circuit Analysis has what looks like a cheap plasma\nball for a head and a casing that looks like a white coat. He\nspeaks in a robotic voice. Fry falls through a hatch in the ceiling\nand lands in the floor. He hauls himself up.]\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nGreetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let\nme give you something to help you relax.\n\n[He presses a button and Fry gets an electric shock.]\n\nFRY\nLook! There's been a terrible mistake.\nI'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy\nand flabby. Also, I complain a lot.\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nYes, you do. You need to relax more.\nTerrific. Now, consider the following:\nYou were admitted to this robot asylum.\nTherefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis\ncomplete.\n\n[The plasma in his head goes off. Fry grabs his arms.]\n\nFRY\nI do other human stuff! I age! See?\n\n[He indicates his face. The door opens and a robot nurse comes\nin.]\n\nNURSE RATCHET\nI'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with\nme, won't you?\n\n[A panel in her chest opens and a straight jacket on an arm comes\nout and wraps itself around Fry. She retracts it by using her\narm as a winch.]\n\n[Hal Institute Corridor. Nurse Ratchet is holding Fry against\nher in his straight jacket. They move past other cells.]\n\nNURSE RATCHET\nWe'll meet your roommate next, shall\nwe? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.\n\nFRY\nThe car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices\nreally were insane.\n\nNURSE RATCHET\nHe's very excitable. So don't say anything\nto excite him.\n\n[Fry steps in.]\n\n[Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door closes. The cell is a tiny\nspace, the right size for a robot. Malfunctioning Eddie is standing\nwith a cigarette, shaking a little. He holds out his hand.]\n\nMALFUNCTIONING EDDIE\nPleased to meet you.\n\nFRY\nActually, we've met once before.\n\nMALFUNCTIONING EDDIE\nWhat?\n\n[He explodes.]\n\n[Hal Institute Day Room. Bender passes a group of robots playing\ncards, a sign that says \"You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Mutter\nto Yourself Here But it Helps\", a robot caressing a column and\nvarious others.]\n\nHAIRBOT\nI'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.\nI'm a pretty girl.\n\n[Bender sits with Fry.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa! Someone had a busy day.\n\nFRY\nMy roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta\nhelp me, Bender. How can I prove I'm\nhuman?\n\nBENDER\nYou could drop dead. That'd show 'em.\n\nFRY\nI don't wanna!\n\nUNIT 2013\nHey, man. I believe you're a human.\n\nFRY\nYou do?\n\nUNIT 2013\nSure. They don't believe I'm a human\neither. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme\nintroduce you around. Fry, meet Norm.\nHow's it going, pal? Still picking up\ntransmissions from the CIA on your teeth?\n\nNORM\nThey just won't stop!\n\n[He opens his mouth and his teeth have little revolving satellite\ndishes on them.]\n\nWOMAN\nThe CIA cafeteria menu for the week\nof May 15th is as follows: Monday, shepherd's\npie. Tu--\n\nUNIT 2013\nCuckoo!\n\n[They look at an Abraham Lincoln robot in the corner.]\n\nFRY\nLet me guess: He thinks he's Lincoln?\n\nUNIT 2013\nWell, he's supposed to. Problem is he's\ngot multiple personalities; all of them\nLincoln.\n\n[The robot stands up.]\n\nLINCOLNBOT\nI was born in 200 log cabins.\n\n[Hal Institue Cafeteria. Fry and Unit 2013 queue for dinner.]\n\nUNIT 2013\nAnd this here is Frankie. He's convinced\nhe's a lunchroom worker, so they put\nhim to work in the lunchroom. (patronising)\nHow is work in the lunchroom, Frankie?\n\nFRANKIE\nIt's alright.\n\nUNIT 2013\nPoor Frankie!\n\n[Frankie ladels some oil onto Fry's tray. Fry then sits at a\ntable with a Pay 'n' Chew vending machine, the Lincolnbot, Bender,\nUnit 2013 and some other robots.]\n\nMAD HATTERBOT\nChange places!\n\n[The robots move around the table. They knock into Fry and he\nspills his oil on his gown.]\n\nFRY\nBender, I can't take much more of this!\nI want outta here!\n\nBENDER\nAre you crazy? This place is great!\nElectroshock whenever you want it, two\nLincolns for every Napoleon. Ah! Sweet\nlight crude!\n\n[He takes some money sticking out from the vending machine pay\nslot and wipes his mouth with it.]\n\nFRY\nBut I'm not a robot like you. I don't\nlike having discs crammed into me. Unless\nthey're Oreos - and then only in the\nmouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna\ndie here!\n\nBENDER\nAh, quit your bellyaching and take it\nlike a robot.\n\n[Fry growls.]\n\nMAD HATTERBOT\nChange places!\n\n[The robots move again and Fry spills more oil.]\n\n[Hal Institute Visitors' Room. A banner advertises \"Gibberish\nTranslators Available\". Victor sits with Malfunctioning Eddie.]\n\nVICTOR\nThe doctor says you are making great\nstrides with your exploding problem.\n\nMALFUNCTIONING EDDIE\nWell the way I see it=--\n\n[He explodes and Victor falls back on his chair. At another table\nare Fry, Bender, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Hermes. Fry has his\narms wrapped around his legs and has very pale skin. Bender is\nwearing a Napoleon hat and has one of his arms inside his door.\nOne of Malfunctioning Eddie's arms lands in the middle of the\ntable.]\n\nFRY\nYou gotta get me out of here. I would\nhave starved to death if not for that\nsick vending machine robot. Gimmie!\nGimmie!\n\n[He dives for it and eats it, wrapper and all.]\n\nHERMES\nPoor Fry! He's got the munchies for\nfreedom!\n\nLEELA\nWe're all trying to help you. We've\npetitioned the governor but he doesn't\nwant to appear soft on people who've\nbeen falsely imprisoned.\n\nFRY\nAt least I have friends on the outside.\nBender's been no help at all.\n\nBENDER\nJe suis Napoleon! No, seriously, I'm\nnot.\n\nAMY\nBender! You should be more ashamed of\nyourself than usual.\n\nBENDER\nAh, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying\nto get through a difficult time using\nhumour.\n\n[Nurse Ratchet wheels past.]\n\nNURSE RATCHET\nVisiting hours are over. Time for our\nmedication disks.\n\n[The Planet Express staff get up to leave. Fry grabs Farnsworth.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Help me! For God's sake,\nhelp me!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent\na nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum.\nBut now it's nearly over. So long.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\n[Hal Institute Cell. It is night and Fry and Malfunctioning Eddie\nare sleeping. Fry mutters in his sleep.]\n\nFRY\n(sleep-talking) Thirty days hath September,\nApril, June and ... wonder ... is that\npeanut butter ... what am I gonna do?\n(talking) Oh, God! What? What? What\nis it now?\n\n[The door opens. Nurse Ratchet and Dr. Perceptron are outside.]\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nYou are being released.\n\nFRY\nFinally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy\njustice!\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nNot you. Him.\n\n[He points at Malfunctioning Eddie.]\n\nMALFUNCTIONING EDDIE\nMe? What a surprise. Look!\n\n[Cut to: Hal Institute Corridor. Eddie rolls out of the cell.]\n\nMALFUNCTIONING EDDIE\nI barely exploded at all.\n\n[He and Perceptron roll away.]\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nWe can control that with medication.\n\nNURSE RATCHET\nFry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?\n\n[A porter pushes a metal box to the cell doorway.]\n\n[Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door of the box opens revealing\nRoberto. Fry gasps.]\n\nROBERTO\nHi, Red!\n\nFRY\nRoberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here?\n\n[Roberto steps out and holds up his knife.]\n\nROBERTO\nI got busted robbing that bank again.\n\nFRY\nWhy would you hold up the same bank\ntwice?\n\nROBERTO\nAh, that first time was just to case\nthe joint and rob it a little. What's\nthe matter? You scared?\n\nFRY\nN--, n--, n--\n\nROBERTO\nNoticeably? I'll say! Now stand back,\nI gotta practice my stabbing.\n\n[He stabs at the air and makes nutcase noises. Fry ducks and\ndodges the knife.]\n\nFRY\nNo! Please! Help! Stop it! Please!\n\n[Bender bangs from the next cell.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting; from cell) Hey! Keep it down\nin there! I'm tuning my banjo!\n\n[He tunes it and Fry keeps dodging the knife.]\n\nROBERTO\nJeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself\na robot?\n\n[He stabs some more.]\n\nFRY\nI'm not a robot! (shouting) I'm not\na robot!\n\n[He screams.]\n\n[Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. The other Planet Express\nstaff are there.]\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nIn answer to your question, Hermes,\nyes, your friend is cured.\n\nHERMES\nOh!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat a relief!\n\nLEELA\nThank God!\n\n[The door opens and Fry walks in with an emotionless look on\nhis face.]\n\nDR. PERCEPTRON\nYou'll notice he no longer suffers delusions\nof humanity.\n\nFRY\n(mechanical voice) Affirmative. I feel\nnothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep\n...\n\n[The Planet Express staff gasp.]\n\nLEELA\nYou've made a terrible mistake. He's\na human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry!\n\n[She holds Fry to her chest and he \"beeps\" faster. Nurse Ratchet\npushes Bender in a wheelchair past the door. He sings and plays\nthe banjo.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Gonna sing a little tale about\na battle called Waterloo. (talking)\nBonjour, y'all!\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the examination\ntable and the other staff stand around.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nListen to me, Fry. Just because you\nthink you're a robot, doesn't make you\na robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor\nbut that doesn't make me a doctor. These\nfancy clothes do!\n\nFRY\n(mechanical voice) Negative. I must\nbe a robot. Why else would human women\nrefuse to date me?\n\n[Leela strokes his hair.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, lots of reasons.\n\nFRY\n(mechanical voice) Bio-units, terminate\nnoise exchange. It is time for you to\ningest sandwiches from my compartment.\n\n[He unzips his trousers, takes out two sandwiches and offers\nthem to the others. They back away.]\n\n[Hal Institute Day Room. Bender tunes Norm's teeth with a screwdriver.]\n\nBENDER\nHere we go. Just a minute. Aha!\n\nCOMMENTATOR\nAnd down the stretch, it's Daddy's\nLittle Grandpa, followed by Perennial\nLoser, and bringing up the rear, it's\nLasty!\n\nBENDER\nCome on, Lasty!\n\nROBERTO\nHey, Bender.\n\n[He is pushing a hover-bed. Bender turns around and fakes surprise.]\n\nBENDER\nRoberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see\nyou in here! Especially 'cause I didn't\nsqueal on you, remember? Remember all\nthat squealing I didn't do? Remember?\nDo ya?\n\nROBERTO\nYeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead.\nAnd don't ham it up!\n\nBENDER\nUh, sure. Anything for you, buddy.\n\n[Enter Dr. Perceptron.]\n\nROBERTO\nWait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.\n\n[From offscreen come the sounds of Roberto beating up Perceptron\nand making the nutcase noise. He comes back to the hover-bed\nwearing Perceptron's body casing and head ball. He starts pushing\nthe bed through walls. Bender opens one side of his visor.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, what's with the get-up?\n\nROBERTO\nI'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking\nof escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill\nya so you don't squeal?\n\nBENDER\nI'm in! I'm in! So when were you planning\nthe breakout?\n\nROBERTO\nI'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.\n\n[Bender looks up and sees they are a few hundred yards from the\ninstitute in amongst several trees. A siren goes off and Bender\njumps off the bed.]\n\nBENDER\nQuick! Let's keep escaping!\n\n[They run off into the woods.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Hal Institute. Tracker dogs sniff some nuts\nand bolts and run off after Bender and Roberto with two men following.]\n\n[Cut to: Woods. Bender and Roberto come to a ravine. There is\na small boat tied to the side. They jump and go straight through\nit and into the river.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Clear of the woods, they run into a barn. Seconds\nlater they crash through the back and take off in a biplane.\nThe biplane does an inside loop and crashes through the barn\ndoors. Roberto and Bender carry on on foot.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]\n\nHERMES\nTimes two, carry the one ...\n\n[He presses a \"carry the one\" button on his calculator and looks\nup to see Fry standing beside him.]\n\nFRY\nOh, you sad, worthless human.\n\n[He picks up the calculator and throws it into a conveniently-located\nincinerator.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat are ya--? Sacred hog of Prague!\nThat was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!\n\nFRY\nFear not! For I shall assist ye!\n\nHERMES\nRobots don't say \"ye\"!\n\nFRY\nRelax, mammal. My robotic software shall\nmeet your calculatory needs. What is\nthe meaning of this symbol?\n\nHERMES\nThat's a plus sign, you pointy-haired\nloony! Quit thinking you're a robot!\n\n[Fry narrows his eyes.]\n\nFRY\nI'll show ye!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth, Amy and Leela work on the\nship. Leela tries to unscrew a nut on the side of the steps.\nShe grunts and squirts some pi-in-1 oil onto it. Fry takes the\nspanner from her and throws it into another incinerator.]\n\nFRY\nStand back. I'm a tool-bot.\n\n[He tries to unscrew the nut with his hands. He takes the oil\nfrom Leela, squirts some onto his arms and puts it in his inside\npocket. He tries the nut again.]\n\nLEELA\nYou're not a tool-bot. You're not a\nfood-motron. You're not a robot of any\nkind.\n\nFRY\nYes, I am. I simply haven't discovered\nmy primary function yet.\n\nLEELA\nOK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to\nremind Fry of his humanity the way only\na woman can.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou're going to do his laundry?\n\n[Amy slaps him.]\n\nLEELA\n(sexfully) Fry, this is for you.\n\n[She kisses him. Fry smiles and Leela smiles back, thinking she's\ncured him.]\n\nFRY\nBeep.\n\nLEELA\nOh, for God's sake!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another\nbottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's\nfeet.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nBy a scallop's forelocks! What's with\nall the beer, Fry?\n\nFRY\n(drunk) Alcohol fuels my power cells.\nAnd as a mighty robot, I-- Beep.\n\n[He starts to snore.]\n\n[New New York City Street.]\n\nROBERTO\nThanks for helping me escape, Bender.\n\nBENDER\nOh, it was nothing.\n\nROBERTO\n(shouting) It was not nothing! (talking)\nI wanna repay you. Let me get you something\nin here.\n\n[He drags Bender into the Big Apple Bank.]\n\n[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]\n\nROBERTO\n(shouting) Hands up! This is a stick-up\nagain!\n\nBENDER\nWow! Hitting the same place three times?\nI admire your style, Roberto.\n\n[Roberto walks to the teller.]\n\nROBERTO\nGimmie the remaining dough. And the\ncalendars ... and that pen. Try to tear\nit so most of the beads are on my end!\n\n[The teller ducks and URL and Smitty stand up behind her with\ntheir lasers armed.]\n\nURL\nPolice! You're busted!\n\nSMITTY\nAnd don't try anything. This glass here\nis laser-proof. Fire lasers! Duck!\nLasers!\n\n[Roberto pulls the glass clean off the mount and with his arm\nstill poking through he grabs the money.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on! I got a place where I like\nto hide after crimes.\n\n[They run out. URL and Smitty fire at them again and Roberto\nuses the glass as a sheild until they are out of the door.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch Fry sleeping on the\noverturned couch.]\n\nAMY\nAw! He looks like a little insane drunken\nangel.\n\n[Enter Bender and Roberto.]\n\nBENDER\n(panting) Hey, everybody. Meet my good\npal, Roberto.\n\nHERMES\nHey, mon.\n\nROBERTO\nNice to meet you.\n\nSMITTY\n(on megaphone; from outside) Come out\nwith your hands up.\n\nROBERTO\n(shouting) Hostages!\n\n[Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto\nstands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]\n\nROBERTO\nBack off! I got hostages!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray! I'm helping!\n\nSMITTY\n(on megaphone) Do you have any better\nhostages?\n\n[The megaphone is built into URL.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Roberto turns around.]\n\nROBERTO\nTo show them who's crazy, I'm gonna\nexecute some of you. How 'bout you?\n\n[He nicks Farnsworth's neck.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOuch! That's going to bleed when my\nheart beats.\n\nLEELA\nWait! Take me first!\n\nBENDER\nYes! Take her first.\n\nROBERTO\nShut up! Stop telling me how to do this!\n\n[Time Lapse. More police cars have arrived outside. Roberto has\neveryone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter\nin fright.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, the fear!\n\n[Roberto kneels next to Bender.]\n\nROBERTO\nI'm thinking of a number between one\nand ten. Guess it and you die first.\nGo!\n\nBENDER\nUm ... OK. Fixty ... six ... ish?\n\nROBERTO\n56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can\nthink about! I'm gonna kill you, you\n... no good ... 56-ing--\n\n[Bender squeals. Roberto jabs at his with the knife and Bender\nextends his head on a cable, dodging the knife.]\n\nBENDER\nDon't kill me yet! I'm starting to come\ndown with Stockholm syndrome ... handsome!\n\nFRY\nHalt, fellow robot!\n\n[He stands up from behind the couch.]\n\nROBERTO\nHey, Red. You're just in time to join\nthe hostage situation. Which side you\nwanna be on?\n\nFRY\nThe side that kicks your twisted, metal\nass!\n\nLEELA\nFry! Stay back. He's too powerful.\n\nFRY\nNegative, bossy meat creature. I know\nnow what my primary function is: I am\na battle-droid. Sworn to protect the\nweak from crazy robots.\n\nROBERTO\nI'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy!\nI'm just not user-friendly!\n\nHERMES\nFry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered\nby the health plan!\n\nROBERTO\nLet's see how much of a robot you really\nare!\n\n[He runs at Fry and stabs him in the chest. Everyone gasps. Fry\ndoesn't react. Roberto pulls the knife out and doesn't see the\ntin of oil that is still in Fry's pocket. The oil starts to leak\nthrough his jacket.]\n\nFRY\nNo knife can penetrate my skin-tanium\narmour.\n\n[He starts walking towards Roberto, spinning his arms and making\na mechanical noise. Roberto backs away.]\n\nROBERTO\nHelp! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody\nhelp me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled\nthe transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No!\nDon't weld me to the wall, Mommy!\n\n[He throws the knife at Fry and it slices open his arm. Fry doesn't\nnotice and keeps walking towards him. He screams and jumps through\nthe window.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Roberto falls and lands in the\nroad. His left eye and right arm are broken. He whimpers and\ncollapses.]\n\nSMITTY\n(on megaphone) We're willing to listen\nto your demands.\n\n[He starts to put the receiver back into URL's body.]\n\nURL\nHey, baby. Wash that off before you\nput it back.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]\n\nHERMES\nWho's brave now?\n\nAMY\nHooray!\n\nZOIDBERG\nBravo!\n\n[Fry starts to untie them.]\n\nLEELA\nYou did it, Fry.\n\nBENDER\nCongratulations, buddy. You're a credit\nto my race.\n\nFRY\n(mechanical voice) It was nothing. I--\n(normal) Blood? Robots don't have blood.\nI must be a, a--\n\nZOIDBERG\nA squid?\n\nFRY\nA human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlso good.\n\n[Time Lapse. The police cars clear away. Zoidberg cuts a bandage\nthat he has wrapped around Fry's wound.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks for saving us, Fry.\n\n[She kisses him on the cheek.]\n\nFRY\nI'm gonna continue never washing this\ncheek again.\n\nBENDER\nBuddy, you may be wrapped in greasy\nskin, but inside, you've got the heart\nof a robot.\n\nFRY\nAw. Thanks, Bender.\n\nBENDER\nJust like inside me, I've got the heart\nof a human. What?\n\nTHE END\n\nBENDER\n(over credits) What?"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Bendin'-In-The-Wind.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 313\n\n\"BENDIN' IN THE WIND\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Federal Law Prohibits Changing The\nChannel.]\n\n[New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk down a busy street\nand Bender sings and dances.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Froggy went a-courtin' and\nhe did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh\n\nWell, Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride\n\nBlah blah blah, something, Bender is great!\n\nFroggy went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh -\n\n[A rumbling noise interrupts his singing. He and Fry look through\na gap in a fence and see Sal in a hover-digger digging a huge\nhole at the NNYC Hole Project. Sall dumps a load down on the\nground. Amongst some rubble and mud is a bag of fat free potato\nchips. Fry picks it up.]\n\nFRY\nOh my God! They dug up a bag of olestra\nchips from my time! There must be layers\nand layers of old stuff down there.\n\n[Sal dumps another scoop-ful and amongst the dirt is an entire\nVW minivan. Fry gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat's that? One of those Led Zeppelins\nI've heard so much about?\n\n[Fry puts his hands on the VW.]\n\nFRY\nNo, it's an old Volkswagen van. (shouting)\nHey, Mister? Mind if I take this old\nvan?\n\nSAL\n(shouting) Sure. You wanna dump the\ncorpses out of theres, it's yourses.\n\nFRY\nYeah yeah, I've gotten used cars before.\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry grunts and groans as he pushes the\nVW into the hangar. He is wearing the previous owner's bandana.\nBender sits inside and guzzles down a beer. The rest of the crew\ngather around.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat's that? One of those Jefferson\nStarships I've heard so much about?\n\nFRY\nIt's called a van, and in light of the\nfact that it's not a-rockin', I invite\nyou to come a-knockin'!\n\n[He slides open the door and the crew peer inside at all the\nbeads and beanbags and throws.]\n\nAMY\nWow, neat.\n\nHERMES\nIt's a triumph of free-spirited German\nengineering.\n\nAMY\nHey, the speedometer only goes up to\n80. This thing can't go faster than\n80,000 miles an hour?\n\nFRY\nNo, it can't, but it's got a driver's-side\nfloor and an 8-track player with genuine\nmono sound.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhere's the device that lets you speed\nor slow the passage of time?\n\nFRY\nUnder the seat.\n\n[He pulls out a bong. Leela tries turning the key in the ignition\nand the engine coughs and splutters.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy won't it start?\n\nFRY\nIt just needs some gas.\n\n[Farnsworth puts his hand on his shoulder.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWrong again, idiot. There is no gas.\nPetroleum reserves ran dry in 2038.\n\nLEELA\nGas was an environmental disaster, anyway.\nNow we use alternative fuels.\n\nFRY\nLike what?\n\nLEELA\nWhale oil. Bender, lift it up to the\ncan opener.\n\nBENDER\nOh, no, I'm not going near it. Last\ntime, that magnetic psycho nearly cut\nmy head off.\n\nFRY\nOh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up\nyour inhibition unit and makes you sing\nfolk songs.\n\nBENDER\nWhat? Who said anything about me secretly\nwanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.\n\n[He glances around. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nBender, if you don't open that can right\nnow, your fear will own you, and nothing\nthat can opener could ever do could\nbe worse than that.\n\nBENDER\nOK, OK, I can do this. It's time to\ntake life by the cans.\n\n[He lifts the barrel and looks weakly at the others.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on.\n\nHERMES\nYou can do it.\n\nAMY\nBender!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGo on, you dummy.\n\n[Bender walks towards the can opener and the magnet grabs him\nand starts cutting into him. Sparks fly from him and he starts\nto sing.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Jimmy cracked corn and I don't\ncare\n\n[He screams in pain.]\n\nJimmy cracked corn and I don't care...\n\n[He screams again. The rest of the crew cringe and cover their\neyes.]\n\nFRY\nOh, no!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) 'Cause the master's gone away.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's toe-tapping-ly tragic.\n\n[Cedars-Sinewave Robot Hospital. Bender lies on a bed and a doctor\nchecks him over. He has huge gashes across his chest.]\n\nBENDER\nDoc, I can't move my arms and legs.\nWhat's wrong with me?\n\n[The doctor sighs.]\n\nDOCTOR\nThis is the worst part of the job.\n\nBENDER\nWhat is it, good news?\n\nDOCTOR\nBender, your hydraulics are shot. You'll\nnever move again.\n\n[Bender chokes.]\n\nBENDER\nYou mean -?\n\n[The doctor turns to Farnsworth.]\n\nDOCTOR\nI'm sorry, you'll have to get a new\none.\n\n[He leaves and Bender bursts into tears. The crew murmur to each\nother.]\n\nFRY\nOh, no, this is terrible.\n\nZOIDBERG\nPoor Bender.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, let's drag him to the kerb.\n\n[He grabs Bender's arm and Zoidberg takes hold of his legs. Fry\nstops them.]\n\nFRY\nWait a minute, Bender is my best friend.\nWe can't just dump him in the gutter\nlike Grandma's ashes.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Oh, my life is over. I'll never\nknow happiness again.\n\n[A horn honks and robot on wheels dressed like a clown rolls\nin.]\n\nROBOT\nHo ho, hello there!\n\nLEELA\nLook, Bender. It's Patch Cord Adams.\nHe heals with the power of laughter.\n\n[He holds a robot-shaped balloon above Bender.]\n\nPATCH CORD ADAMS\nC'mon, take it. What's the matter, can't\nmove your arms?\n\nBENDER\nObviously not, or I'd be strangling\nyou right now.\n\nPATCH CORD ADAMS\nHey, here's a giggle! Did you hear\nwhy they're using Windows 3000 as a\nprison guard?\n\nFRY\nNo, why?\n\nPATCH CORD ADAMS\n'Cause it always locks up.\n\n[The others laugh weakly.]\n\nBENDER\nFor the love of God, somebody kick his\nass!\n\nPATCH CORD ADAMS\nWell, so long. Get well soon. Oh, well,\nso long anyway.\n\n[He rolls out and Bender groans.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, I'm doomed. Everybody leave me alone.\nI don't wanna be seen this way.\n\n[Everyone, except Fry, leaves.]\n\nFRY\nAw, you look so sad. You want me to\nsend Patch Cord Adams back in?\n\n[Bender bawls and Fry leaves. The sound of a harmonica stops\nhis tears.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, the blues. The tragic sound of\nother people suffering. That's kind\nof a pick-me-up. Wow, that was great.\n\nBECK\nHey, thanks. You a fan?\n\nBENDER\nI dunno. Let me see. Oh my God, you're\nBeck! I'd get up to shake your hand\nand steal your wallet but my crappy\nbody crapped out on me.\n\nBECK\nDon't take it so hard. I used to miss\nmy body too but then I fished this manequin\nout of the 92c Store dumpster.\n\nBENDER\nWow. We've sure got a lot in common,\nBeck. I always dreamed of being a musician-poet\nwho transcends genres even as he re-invents\nthem, just like you.\n\nBECK\nSo do it, robot. It's easier than it\nlooks.\n\nBENDER\nEh, thanks, but it's hopeless. I'll\nnever be a musician now.\n\nBECK\nOr maybe you'll be the best musician\never.\n\n[He motions the doctor to him and whispers something to him.\nHe takes the harmonica holder out of Beck's jar and puts it around\nBender's neck.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat's this for?\n\nBECK\nTry and scrape it across your chest\nlike a knife on burnt toast. Come on,\nmove those arms. Use the power of mental\nthinking. Make it dynamic. Yeah-ee!\nAlright, congratulations my friend.\n\nBENDER\nWhy? 'Cause I can make annoying noises?\n\nBECK\nExactly. I use those all the time in\nmy music. Bender, I want you to become\nmy new washboard player.\n\n[Bender gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright! Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The whole crew are gathered outside\nthe building by the side of the road. Fry, still wearing his\nheadband, wheels Bender out on a sack truck. He has a small green\nsuitcase with him. A large blue bus pulls up and honks its horn.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, that's my good friend, Beck. I'm\nof to rock a series of mid-level venues.\n\nHERMES\nKudos, Bender. You got mangled and now\nyou're a singer. Both our dreams came\ntrue.\n\n[The bus honks again.]\n\nFRY\nHey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram\nin my van and follow Bender on tour\nand live there, in the van?\n\n[Behind them, the VW rumbles and backfires.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too\npoor to follow a band around in a van.\n\n[The bus beeps again and Beck leans out of a window.]\n\nBECK\n(shouting) Come on, move it! We gotta\nget to the concert and make the audience\nwait for it at the start.\n\n[Montage The tour bus passes under the Holland Tunnel with the\nVW right behind it, causing a tailback. They drive from New New\nYork, through New New Jersey, Washington A.C., East West Virginia\nto a little town called Squatter's Corner in West Virginia.]\n\n[Velma Sue's Laundromat. Zoidberg, Amy, Leela and Fry do their\nlaundry. Zoidberg dumps the basket of washing on a table in front\nof the others who sit around in their underwear.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nBad news, friends. My shell ran.\n\n[He holds up his clothes. They are a funky tie-dye pink.]\n\nAMY\nZoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's,\nit's -\n\nLEELA\nKinda cool.\n\nFRY\nYeah, I like it.\n\nAMY\nMe too, now that I'm used to it.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen it was all on purpose. You're lucky\nto have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross\nme, and I'll turn on you like that.\n\n[He snaps his fingers and squeals at them.]\n\n[Squatter's Corners Civic Audeetorium. Beck and the band play\ntheir gig to some hicks in a barn. They perform Where It's At\nfrom the album Odelay.]\n\nBECK\n(singing) There's a destination a little\nup the road\n\nFrom the habitations and the towns we know\n\nA place we saw the lights turn low\n\nThe jigsaw jazz and the get-fresh glow\n\nPullin' out jives and jamboree handouts\n\nTwo turntables and a microphone\n\nBottles and cans just clap your hands just clap your hands.\n\nALL\n(singing) Where it's at!\n\n[Bender scrapes his chest.]\n\nBENDER\n(electric voice) Got a washboard stomach\nand a microphone.\n\n[He scrapes his chest.]\n\nBECK\nThat was a washboard break.\n\n[The Planet Express foursome cheer.]\n\nFRY\nOh yeah!\n\nAMY\nYeah! One bowl of Jell-O knuckles,\nplease.\n\nBARMAN\nThat'll be three pick-e-tures of George\nWashington.\n\n[Amy takes some money out of her pocket but it has turned to\ngreen gloop.]\n\nAMY\nOh no, my beautiful money.\n\nLEELA\nIt got ruined in the wash.\n\n[She and Fry take money out of their pockets.]\n\nFRY\nMine too, even my change.\n\nBARMAN\nGet lost you money-less hippies!\n\n[He holds up a picture of nine aliens.]\n\n[Outside Squater's Corners Civic Audeetorium. After the concert,\nthe band's gear is packed away in the bus.]\n\nBECK\nBender, that was the best 40-minute\nwashboard solo I've ever heard. And\nthe parts when I was awake blew my mind.\n\n[Bender hears something and turns around and sees some broken\nrobots in some bins, rolling towards a building.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, check out all those broken robots.\nHowdy, fellas!\n\n[He waves.]\n\nROBOT #1\nI don't believe my broken eyes, it's\nBender, the washboard player! Hey man,\nwe caught your concert from here.\n\nROBOT #2\nYou rock!\n\nFEMBOT\nOh, oh, Bender! Sign my chest!\n\nROBOT #3\nYo, brother, thanks for showing us broken\nrobots are still useful.\n\nBENDER\nAw, hang in there, folks. I'll bet before\nyou know it, you guys'll be - That\nis so wrong. They can't just melt down\nbroken robots. Not right when they're\nkissing my ass.\n\nBECK\nWhoa, dog. Just cold chill. You know,\nwhen I'm upset, I write a song about\nit. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut,\nI was feeling really...what's that song\nabout?\n\nBENDER\nHey, yeah, I could write a song! With\nreal words, not phony ones like \"odelay\".\n\nBECK\n\"Odelay\" is a word. Just look it up\nin the Becktionary.\n\n[He holds the Webster's Abridged Becktionary (From Bzooty to\nWhiskeyclone).]\n\nBENDER\nOoh!\n\n[Beck's Bus. The bus drives down a desert road with the VW behind\nit. Inside, Beck lies on a settee while Bender and writes.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm working on my song. Hand me the\nBecktionary. No, no, the rhyming Becktionary.\n\n[Beck sighs.]\n\nBECK\nI wish I could help raise awareness\nabout broken robots. But what can I\ndo? I only weigh eight pounds.\n\nBENDER\nWait a minute, you know lots of rock\nstars, and most of them like to look\nas though they care about things!\n\nBECK\nWe can all get together for a big benefit\nconcert in San Francisco!\n\nBENDER\nAnd we could call it \"Bend-Aid\", after\nme, Bender!\n\nBECK\nAnd you can sing that song you're writing!\n\nBENDER\nAnd I'll let you sing backup! But remember\nwho the star is. Me: Bender.\n\n[Montage The bus passes through several more states as Bender\ntries to come up with a song. He dabs his eyes with a tissue\nas he reads the song. At another concert, Fry, Zoidberg, Amy\nand Leela rummage through dustbins for food. Fry finds a hotdog\nwith mustard and flies and holds it up to the others. Zoidberg\ncuts it up into four pieces and they eat it. They arrive in San\nFrancisco at dusk.]\n\n[Sir Francis Drake Hotel. Bender sits on a bed in his hotel room,\nwriting his song.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright. \"Hands in the air\" rhymes with\n\"Just don't care\" and...finished! Eck!\nSmells like something died in the wall!\n\n[Fry, Leela, Zoidberg and Amy walk in.]\n\nFRY\nSurprise!\n\nLEELA\nMind if we crash here tonight? The colours\nin the van are keeping us awake.\n\nBENDER\nAlright, but hands off the minibar.\n\n[He closes his chest cabinet which has the minibar in it. Fry\nlooks at the TV.]\n\nFRY\nWow, I forgot about TV. Living free\non the road, you realise how much better\nlife is without it. Well, let's see\nwhat's on.\n\n[He turns it. An advertisment comes on and shows a band playing\non stage.]\n\nANNOUNCER #1\n(voice-over; on TV) Tuesday, Golden\nGate Park, the monsters of vaguely folkish\nalterna-rock will strum your brains\nout at Bend-Aid! Featuring Beck, Wailing\nFungus and special guest, Bender!\n\nANNOUNCER #2\n(voice-over; on TV) A portion of the\nproceeds might go to help broken robots.\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray, robot!\n\nAMY\nBender, you're famous!\n\n[Bender wipes away a tear.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah.\n\nLEELA\nThis coming together of superstars really\nmeans a lot to you, doesn't it, Bender?\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Uh-huh. Helping my defective\nbrothers is the first thing I've ever\ncared about, even the slightest bit.\nYou know, when I first got broken, I\nthought my life was over. But look at\nme now. I've got fame, money, groupies,\nand it's all thanks to being completely\nimmobolised. That's why I'll be proud\nto go up on stage, tomorrow, and say,\n\"Look at me, world, I am a broken robot!\".\n\nFRY\nBender, you can move! You're cured!\n\n[Bender looks at himself in a mirror.]\n\nBENDER\nOh crap, it's a miracle.\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nBENDER\nI can move again. (crying) My music\ncareer is over.\n\nFRY\nBender, I don't claim to understand\n\"the biz\" but wouldn't being able to\nmove help your music career?\n\nBENDER\n(crying) No, don't you see? I was a\nhero to broken robots 'cause I was one\nof them. But how can I sing about being\ndamaged if I'm not? That's like Christina\nAguilera singing in Spanish. Wait,\nthat's it. I'll fake it!\n\n[San Francisco Street. Fry drives the van down the winding streets,\nwith a cloud of exhaust following it.]\n\n[Cut to: VW. Zoidberg coughs and hawks into a tissue.]\n\nAMY\nYou'd better not do that at the concert.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI can't stop. When I eat too much dirt,\nI get stuff in my throat.\n\n[He hawks and spits into the tissue.]\n\nAMY\nYou are so disgusting, I -\n\n[She gasps. Zoidberg has spit up blue pearls. Leela takes a handful.]\n\nLEELA\nThey're beautiful.\n\nZOIDBERG\nEww, you're touching them.\n\nAMY\nI've never seen pearls like this. Dr.\nZoidberg, you're amazing.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI am? At last! Recognition!\n\n[He spits up some more into Amy and Leela's hands.]\n\n[Golden Gate Park. Hundreds of hippies and broken robots have\nturned out for Bend-Aid.]\n\nEMCEE\nGentle-hippies, put your filthy hands\ntogether for the folk stylings of Cylon\nand Garfunkel!\n\n[A robot with a guitar and man who looks like Art Garfunkel walk\nonto the stage.]\n\nGARFUNKEL\nHere's a song that was beautiful when\nit was performed by my ancestor, Art.\n\n[He starts to sing Scarborough Fair.]\n\n(singing) Are you going to Scarborough Fair?\n\n[Cylon cuts in with a mechanical voice.]\n\nCYLON AND GARFUNKEL\n(singing) Parsley, sage, rosemary and\nthyme.\n\nGARFUNKEL\n(singing) Remember me to one who loves\nthere,\n\nCYLON AND GARFUNKEL\n(singing) She once was a true love of\nmine.\n\n[The VW pulls up behind the crowd and the crew get out. They\nlook around and the hippies sitting and lying on the grass.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're home.\n\nAMY\nWell, let's earn some bread.\n\n[Time Lapse. Amy puts a sign on the window that says \"Genuine\nLove Beads, $5.00\". Fry and Leela are holding some of Zoidberg's\npearls that have been strung together.]\n\nFRY\nBrothers and sisters, get your love\nbeads. Can't journey to the centre of\nyour mind without love beads!\n\n[Hippies gather around the van.]\n\nHIPPIE #1\nWow, look at these colours. These'll\ngo great with my soul.\n\nZOIDBERG\nGlad you like them. I've been making\nfine jewellery for years, apparently.\n\nHIPPIE #2\nI'll take three.\n\nHIPPIE #3\nGive me one, man!\n\nHIPPIE #4\nI'll trade you a bad poem!\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nEMCEE\nAnd now, stand up and turn on your\nhidden tape recorders for...Beck! With\nspecial guest, Bender the broken robot.\n\n[The stage curtain lifts and Bender and Beck are lowered from\nthe ceiling. Broken robots in the audience cheer and the band\nplays Sexx Laws from the album Midnite Vultures.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Bender rules!\n\nHIPPIE #5\nGroove on, man!\n\nLEELA\nRock it, Bender!\n\nZOIDBERG\nPlay that thing!\n\n[Bender and Beck hit the stage and liquid spills out of Beck's\njar.]\n\nBECK\n(shouting) Can't you hear those cavalry\ndrums\n\nHijacking your equilibrium...\n\nBENDER\nWhoa-oh, yeah!\n\nBECK\n(shouting) ...Midnight hags in the mausoleum...\n\n[Time Lapse. Day has turned to dusk, the crowd has thinned and\nthe band is still playing the same song. Bender scrapes his chest\nand the song ends. The crowd cheers.]\n\nBECK\nThank you. That song doesn't usually\nlast three hours, but we got into a\nserious thing...and then I forgot how\nit ended. Anyway, one last item of business\nbefore we go.\n\n[Cylon and Garfunkel walk onto the stage with a big cheque.]\n\nGARFUNKEL\nBender, to start your foundation for\nbroken robots, here's a big cardboard\ncheque for $14,000.\n\nCYLON\nIt's been an emotional day for me.\n\n[They prop it up next to Bender, who starts to cry.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I don't know what to say.\n\nBECK\nThen maybe you should sing it. Lay it\ndown boys.\n\n[The band starts to play Bender's song and the lights dim.]\n\nBENDER\nLadies, gentlemen, smoking heaps of\nmachinery......this is a song called\nMy Broken Friend.\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\n(singing) People say my broken friend is useless\n\nBut I say his mind is free\n\nThere's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be\n\nBECK\nKick it!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) He could make a good...\n\nBENDER AND BECK\n(singing) ...hatrack\n\nBECK\n(singing) He only has to stand there\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Or a cheap...\n\nBENDER AND BECK\n(singing) ...doorstop\n\nBECK\n(singing) He doesn't need to move\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Or a great big...\n\nBENDER AND BECK\n(singing) ...giant Thermos\n\nBENDER\n(singing) With a twist-off top\n\nBECK\n(singing) That would be good for soup\n\nBENDER\n(singing) He could be a storage closet...\n\nBENDER AND BECK\n(singing) ...For outdated pants\n\nBECK\nI like 'em tight!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) My broken friend could do\nit all...\n\nBENDER AND BECK\n(singing) ...Just give him a chance!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) That robot has a tragic secret\n\nThat I'd like to share...\n\nBECK\nFor real?\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...My broken friend is closer\nto me\n\nThan an ass to a chair...\n\nBECK\nHm.\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...That robot's name I never\ntold you...\n\nBECK\nWho's that?\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...You could not foresee...\n\nBECK\nC'mon, give it up.\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...I'll say it loud and sing\nit proud...\n\nBENDER AND BECK\n(singing) His name is you and me.\n\n[Bender starts dancing.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Don't melt me down into a\ncrowbar\n\nBECK\n(singing) It suffers alone\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Just 'cause I can't move my\narms and legs\n\nBECK\nHey.\n\n[The robots look around and Bender flails his arms and legs around.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Or toss me into a trash can...\n\nBECK\nBender, what are you doing?\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...Just 'cause I can't cook\nyou ham and eggs...\n\nBECK\nWhat are you doing?\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...Don't crush me into an\nanchor...\n\nBECK\nWhat's the dealy-o?\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...Just 'cause I can't jump\nand dance and sing...\n\nBECK\nHold it! What? No!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...I'm telling you, my broken\nfriend...\n\nBECK\nB-Bender.\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...Put your hands in the air\nlike you just don't care!\n\nBECK\nNo!\n\n[Bender bounds off across the stage.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) I'm telling you, my broken\nfriend...\n\nBECK\nCut it!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) ...Can do 'most anything!\n\n[He slides across the stage on his knees.]\n\nBECK\nCut it!\n\nBENDER\nYeah!\n\nBECK\nCut it!\n\n[The crowds shouts and boos. Bender's harmonica holder falls\noff. He looks at himself.]\n\nBENDER\nCurse my natural showmanship!\n\nROBOT #1\n(shouting) You big fat fraud! You're\nnot really broken!\n\nROBOT #2\n(shouting) But you will be in a minute!\nBum-rush the stage!\n\n[The broken robots crawl and hobble towards Bender. Bender backs\naway.]\n\nROBOT #3\nGet him!\n\n[Bender folds the cheque away into his chest cabinet, grabs a\nrope and swings over the crowd, screaming like Tarzan. He flies\ntowards the VW.]\n\n[Cut to: VW. He flies through sunroof, slams his head against\nit and lands in the driver's seat. He shifts it into gear and\nspeeds off in a cloud of smoke. The others hang on.]\n\n[Cut to: Golden Gate Park.]\n\nHIPPIE #6\nOh harsh, I didn't get my beads.\n\n[Zoidberg coughs and beads rain down on the hippies. Beck watches\nfrom the stage.]\n\nBECK\nYou, minion, lift up my arm. After\nhim!\n\n[His bus pulls up and he gets on with Cylon and Garfunkel, the\nheads of Neil Young and Joni Mitchell, and Wailing Fungus. The\nbus ploughs through a crowd and a chase sequence lifted from\nBullit begins.]\n\n[San Francisco Street. The VW flies down the road, pursued by\nBeck's bus.]\n\n[Cut to: VW. Bender looks in the rear-view mirror.]\n\nBENDER\nWell everyone, prepare to get your guts\nkicked out by folk singers.\n\n[Cut to: San Francisco Street. The buses drive past a green VW\nBeetle once, twice, three times, four times...]\n\n[Cut to: Chinatown. A Chinese street parade is interrupted as\nthe buses drive past, blowing the Chinese dragon off a caterpillar-like\nalien.]\n\nCATERPILLAR ALIEN\nWhat is this? The Year of the Jerk?\n\n[The VW rounds another corner, carving up another green Beetle.]\n\n[Cut to: VW.]\n\nFRY\nHurry, the Golden Gate Bridge. Put the\nmetal to the pedal to the other metal.\n\n[Bender floors it. Beck's bus gets closer and bumps them. They\nscream. The bus passes a sign that reads \"Golden Gate Hoverbridge\".]\n\nBENDER\nOh no, I forgot this is a hoverbridge.\n\nLEELA\nAnd I forgot this isn't a hovercar.\n\nFRY\nIs any of that a problem?\n\nZOIDBERG\nNot if you've lived a life without regret.\n\n[He screams. The VW flies off the edge of the road and plummets\nto the ground below.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll save me!\n\n[He leans out of the window and grabs a cable.]\n\nLEELA\nQuick, grab his footcups.\n\n[They all grab Bender's feet.]\n\nBENDER\nHey? What? No.\n\n[The VW lands softly on a rocky outcrop by the water. Bender\nhas pulled the wire and it is very tense.]\n\nFRY\nPhew!\n\n[They all let go of Bender and the tense wire launches him into\nthe air. The gang watch him fly off. Leela shrugs.]\n\nLEELA\nBummer.\n\n[Fisherman's Worf. The fat guy from the Titanic and a thin woman\nbuy some food from Tarty McTang's and hear Bender screaming from\nabove.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Someone fat get in my way!\n(talking) Ah, I'm broken again. I can't\nmove any part of me.\n\nBECK\nGood.\n\nBENDER\nI'm really sorry I lied, Beck. All I\never wanted was to make music with you.\nI never meant to hurt anyone, or help\nanyone.\n\nBECK\nBender, that's some played-out, new-jack,\nhorsecrap. But I know you don't mean\nit so, apology accepted.\n\nBENDER\nSo, I can, uh, keep the cheque?\n\nGARFUNKEL\nOver my dead career!\n\n[He takes the cheque out of Bender's chest cabinet.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, it was worth a shot.\n\n[He gets up and the other three leave.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The bus flies away and Bender sighs. The VW floats\npast. Fry, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg are paddling up the river\nin it. A seal sits on the roof.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) C'mon, Bender. If you're\ndone scamming Beck, we're heading home.\n\nBENDER\nAlright, alright. Let me just do one\nthing to cheer myself up.\n\n[He takes a magnet from Ye Olde Tourist Trappe and puts it on\nhis head. His pupils go wild and he starts to sing.]\n\nFry cracked corn\n\nAnd I don't care\n\nLeela cracked corn\n\nI still don't care\n\nBender cracked corn\n\nAnd he is great!\n\nTake that you stupid corn!\n\n[He wades out into the water to the VW.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Time-Keeps-On-Slipping.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 314\n\n\"TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPING\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: For Proper Viewing, Take Red Pill\nNow.]\n\n[Central Park Lake. People enjoy themselves on the lake, sunbathing,\nbarbecuing and fishing. The Planet Express crew are there. Hermes\nthrows a frisbee.]\n\nHERMES\nGo get it, boy!\n\n[Zoidberg runs after it, catches it and eats it. Leela eats a\nsandwich and Fry kneels in front of her.]\n\nFRY\nSo, Leela, how about a romantic ride\nin one of those swan boats? They're\nkinda dangerous but I finally mastered\nthem.\n\nLEELA\nThose aren't swan boats, they're swans.\n\nFRY\nOh. That explains these boat eggs.\n\n[He holds up some eggs. A shadow creeps over him and he gasps.\nIt's a flying saucer. Crowds flee, screaming, as it lands by\nthe lake.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha?\n\n[A screaming man runs past Amy, who is sunbathing topless, is\nbriefly distracted by her, then carries on screaming. Amy sees\nthe flying saucer and screams. A ramp comes down from the ship\nand a door opens. Nine basketball players walk out, dribbling\nbasketballs. The leader, a guy with an afro, steps forward.]\n\nTATE\nPitiful ballplayers of Earth, I am Ethan\n\"Bubblegum\" Tate, commander of the Harlem\nGlobetrotters. For generations, your\npuny planet has lived in peace with\nthe Globetrotter Homeworld. But now,\nfor no reason, we challenge you to defend\nyour honour on the basketball court.\nWill no one meet our challenge? Have\nnone of you pathetic Earthlings game?\n\nFRY\n(shouting) What happens if we lose?\n\nTATE\nNothing. There's nothing at stake and\nno threat - beyond the shame of defeat!\n\n[A player passes him a basketball with Earth on it and he drops\nit into a bin. People gasp and Zoidberg holds Hermes back.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis will not stand! I'll take you\non, you air-balling bozos.\n\nTATE\nYou, old man? Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively\nat him.\n\n[Another player laughs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI may be an old man - in fact, I'm fairly\nsure I am - but I'll put you Globetrotters\nin your place with my team of mutant\natomic supermen!\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nHERMES\nHooray, professor!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth has gathered the\nstaff in front of a big curtain.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBehold: My mutant atomic supermen.\n\n[He draws back the curtain to reveal five little men in nappies\nin a hamster cage.]\n\nLEELA\nThey're only a foot high, professor.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, they're still young. Mere atomic\nsuper boys, really. We'll need to speed\nup their growth with time particles\ncalled Chronitons.\n\nBENDER\nAren't those the particles that destroyed\nan entire civilisation -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone. You're off to the\nTempest Nebula to gather Chronitons.\n\n[Tempest Nebula. Fry, Leela and Bender are tethered to the ship\nand holding jars. Fry and Bender wear space suits. Leela plucks\na particle from the nebula and hole starts to burn away where\nthe particle was. She puts it in the jar. Bender lets them glide\ninto his mouth, then he spits them into a jar.]\n\nFRY\nHey, Leela. Look at me!\n\n[He takes the valve out of his helmet and his head inflates.\nHe puts it back in and it shrinks to normal size. He coughs.]\n\nLEELA\nYour face can take a lot of punishment.\nThat's good to know.\n\nFRY\nThere's a lot about my face you don't\nknow. Perhaps you and it could get better\nacquainted over dinner.\n\nLEELA\nAlright, cool your jets, hotshot.\n\nFRY\nC'mon, Leela, why won't you go out with\nme? We both know there's something there.\n\nLEELA\nNo, I mean cool your jets. They're melting\nBender's face.\n\n[Fry turns around and sees his jets turning Bender red-hot.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Ow! Oh my God! Ow!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew return from the nebula.\nLeela holds a huge bottle of the particles.]\n\nLEELA\nHere you go. Hot off the nebula.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNone too soon. While you were gone the\nTrotters held a news conference to announce\nthat I was a jive sucker. Behold! My\ninvincible nuclear mutants.\n\nAMY\nHi!\n\nARACHNEON\nHello!\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers around the basketball court\nare packed. Marv Albert commentates.]\n\nALBERT\nMarv Albert here at Madison Cube Garden\nwhere the Harlem Globerotters take on\na squad of atomic supermen in what promises\nto be a by-the-numbers athletic contest\nwith no surprises whatsoever. Here's\nthe tip-off. Globetrotter ball. Sweet\nClyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate. Drives\ndown-court - and Curly Joe from the\nrear.\n\n[Curly Joe grabs the five-armed mutant's ass. Zoidberg laughs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat one grabbed his behindus!\n\nLEELA\nShh!\n\nHERMES\nQuiet!\n\nTATE\nWho dares laugh at the Jesters of Dunk?\nWe came to terrify and humiliate you\n- not tickle your funnybones. Watch\nas I embarrass your civilisation by\npassing the ball to Curly Joe. Only\nto have it remain in my hands with elastic.\nAnd perhaps this will wipe the smiles\nfrom your faces.\n\n[He passes to another player and he throws it to the net.]\n\nALBERT\nGoose goes up... Rejected! Growtrium\nfrom half-court. Yes!\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nALBERT\nSupermen lead 45-42. Arachneon with\nthe steal, to Thorias. Thorias from\ndowntown! Yes! He's really showing\nus what a man with a cannon in his chest\ncan do!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo showboarding, you atomic hotdog!\n\n[He weakly throws a chair and a buzzer buzzes.]\n\nALBERT\nAnd that's the half, with the Supermen\nup 48-42. Surprisingly dull, so far.\nBubblegum, the Trotters are down by\nsix. Reactions?\n\nTATE\nIt was always our plan to trail at the\nhalf. Thus deepening Earth's eventual\nhumiliation. Also: What game were the\nrefs watching?\n\n[Time Lapse. The referee throws the ball up. Curly Joe sits on\nthe scoreboard with the ball, just out of reach of Growtrium.\nHe laughs.]\n\nALBERT\nCurly Joe, easily amused by his own\nantics......continues to wreak havoc\non -\n\n[Everything flashes and the players suddenly change position.\nThe ball is now spinning on Tate's finger.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat the? Did everything just jump\naround? Or did my brain just stroke\noff there for a second?\n\nALBERT\nLadies and gentlemen, something very\nstrange has just happened in this basketball\ngame between space clowns and atomic\nmonsters.\n\n[Tate shrugs and throws the ball. The laser-eyed mutant shoots\na laser beam at the ball in it bursts into flames. Everything\njumps around again and the five-armed mutant finds himself flying\nthrough the air. He hits the back board and lands on the hoop.\nThe crowd groans.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTime-out! Time-out!\n\n[The referee blows the whistle.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's happening?\n\n[Bender shakes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe seem to be lurching forward randomly\nin time, like a needle skipping on a\nrecord player.\n\nAMY\nWhat's causing it? Is it my outfit?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. It must have something to do with\nthose time particles I used to grow\nthe Supermen. Time and space are ripping\napart at the seams.\n\n[The Supermen gasp. Thorias releases the ball from his cannon\nand it hits Arachneon and splats him.]\n\nTHORIAS\nOops.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, great. Now, on top of everything,\nwe need a new fifth man.\n\nFRY\nOoh, ooh, ooh, put me in, professor.\nI wanna show Leela my skills.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm. Will said skills pay the bills?\n\nFRY\nWho cares? We're 35 points ahead with\ntwo minutes left. What could possibly\n-\n\n[Time skips. Fry is standing in the middle of the court holding\nthe ball. The crowd boos as Tate takes the ball and scores. The\ngame ends.]\n\nALBERT\nGlobetrotters win, 244-86. A dark day\nfor humanity, folks. We have been beaten...in\nbasketball.\n\n[The Globetrotters cheer and taunt Earth.]\n\nCURLY JOE\nYeah, that's ow we do it!\n\nSWEET CLYDE\nHow's that?\n\nTATE\nYou are all fools of the highest calibre.\n\n[Everyone starts to leave.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't know what you did, Fry, but\nonce again you screwed up. Now all the\nplanets are gonna start cracking wise\nabout our mamas.\n\nHERMES\nI'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't\nalive to see this day.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEnough about your promiscuous mother,\nHermes. We have bigger problems. This\ntime disruption is extremely serious.\n\nTATE\nDamn right, brother man. This chronological\nwang-dang-doodle could destroy the very\nmatrix of reality.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTate? What do you know about this?\n\nTATE\nNot much, yet. But I am senior lecturer\nof physics at Globetrotter U. And I\nlike to help you investigate.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou're that Bubblegum Tate?\n\nTATE\nWell I sure ain't his grandma. Now look\nhere, prof......I think we got ourselves\nan excess of Chronitons in the subatomic\ninterstices.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, I see. Something involving that\nmany big words could easily destabilise\ntime itself.\n\nFRY\nIs that a problem?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIndeed so. At this rate, by Tuesday\nit will be Thursday; By Wednesday, it\nwill be August and by Thursday, it will\nbe the end of existence as we know it.\n\nMAN\nI'll have to ask you to clear out now.\nThe circus need to set up for tomorrow's\nbig -\n\n[Time skips and the Planet Express staff and the Globetrotters\nfind themselves in the middle of a circus. An elephant trumpets\nand they scatter.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch a news report.]\n\nLINDA\nTime continues to skip forward randomly.\nDetails at 11.\n\n[Time skips and it is already 11pm.]\n\nLINDA\nThis is the news at 11. The mysterious\nan unexplained -\n\n[Time skips.]\n\nLINDA\nTurning to entertainment news, teen\nsinger Wendy might just be the latest\n-\n\n[Time skips.]\n\nLINDA\n...won three Grammys last night -\n\n[Time skips. The picture of Wendy behind her has a \"2984 - 3002\"\ncaption below it.]\n\nLINDA\n...found dead in her bathtub.\n\n[Farnsworth turns the TV off.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nInteresting. It's as if we behave normally\nduring the time skips, but then we have\nno memory of it.\n\nFRY\nYou mean we just -\n\n[Time skips.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n...my, yes. Ooh, just like that. Any\nluck Bubblegum?\n\n[In the corner of the room, Tate is wearing a lab coat and doing\nsome equations on a board.]\n\nTATE\nNot yet. Listen, I hope you don't mind\nif I dribble a little while I work.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot if you'll grant me the same liberty.\n\n[He wipes his mouth on his sleeve.]\n\nBENDER\nOoh, ohh, Bubblegum? My name's Bender\nand I'm a huge fan of your work, both\non and off the court. Can I be a Globetrotter?\n\nTATE\nShut up, turkey.\n\n[Bender sighs. Farnsworth swings something around.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBubblegum, look at this. The background\ntime radiation is fluctuating wildly.\n\n[The needle on the time flux meter wobbles back and forth.]\n\nTATE\nGood Lord. That sucker's shaking around\nlike some fine, imported booty.\n\nHERMES\nSay, I'm no physicist, but I think I\nknow how to stop the skipping. We'll\njust -\n\n[Time skips. Hermes is wearing a funky shirt and playing a steel\ndrum while the others have formed a nude conga line.]\n\nHERMES\nI don't know how this was supposed to\nwork.\n\nAMY\nProfessor, I hope you find out what's\nwrong before we skip right past my birth\n-\n\n[Time skips. The lounge has streamers and balloons and banners\naround it in celebration of Amy's birthday. There is a cake on\nthe coffee table and presents around it.]\n\nALL\nHappy birthday, Amy.\n\nAMY\nHooray, look at all these presents!\n\nZOIDBERG\nI hope we all have as much tomorrow\nat my birth -\n\n[Time skips. Zoidberg sits alone in the empty lounge. There is\na tiny cupcake on the table with a candle in it. He looks around.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat?\n\n[He sighs.]\n\n[Planet Express: Corridor. Fry peeps around a door and attracts\nLeela's attention.]\n\nFRY\nPsst, Leela. I've set up a time-proof\nshelter in the closet. There's only\nroom for two, and you're the one I wanna\nshare it with.\n\nLEELA\nFry, that's so sweet. Let me see.\n\n[Cut to: Closet. Leela looks inside. There is a mattress in the\ncorner, candles, a black light and a bottle of champagne in a\nbucket of ice.]\n\nLEELA\nHow exactly will this protect us from\ntime jumps?\n\nFRY\n(sexfully) Because when we're together\nin here, baby, time will stand still.\n\n[Time skips. Fry has a black eye and Leela has gone.]\n\nFRY\nOw.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg looks over a chess board.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHmm. Hmm.\n\n[He picks up a piece and eats it. Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nDr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about\nFry?\n\nZOIDBERG\nLeela, I would be honoured.\n\n[He moves aside on the couch for her.]\n\n[Time skips. Leela is sat down and Zoidberg is watching TV, ignoring\nher.]\n\nLEELA\n...Does the worst W.C. Fields imitation\nI've ever seen. Zoidberg!\n\nZOIDBERG\nSorry, you must have been boring me.\n\n[He turns the TV off.]\n\nLEELA\nThe thing is, Fry is very sweet. But\nhe's so immature. I love his boyish\ncharm but I hate his childishness.\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo he's not perfect. You don't wanna\nend up old and lonely like Zoidberg!\nYou were saying?\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth sniffs around with the smellescope.\nTate and Bender are with him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, there is it. The Tempest Nebula.\nTake a whiff through the smellescope.\n\n[Tate puts his spinning ball on Farnsworth's head where it carries\non spinning. He sniffs and recoils.]\n\nTATE\nWhat's that funky jazz?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe odour of pure time leaking. When\nmy crew removed the Chronitons, it destabilised\nthe nebula, causing time skips throughout\nthe universe.\n\nBENDER\nOoh, let Bubblegum tell it.\n\n[Tate walks over to a basket of basketballs.]\n\nTATE\nPretend these basketballs are time particles,\nmy silver honky. As the nebula bounce-passes\nthem off us......they cause these dents,\nor \"time skips\".\n\nBENDER\nYou are so smart!\n\n[Tate looks at a map.]\n\nTATE\nHold up. What if we were to move this\ncluster of starts to these algebraic\nco-ordinates?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTheir gravity might just divert the\nChronitons to the empty side of the\nuniverse.\n\nTATE\nYeah. But is it possible? Moving stars\nwould require one bad-ass gravity pump.\nAnd we'd need all the money on Earth\nto -\n\n[Time skips and Tate and Farnsworth find themselves in the oval\noffice. Tate is holding a bad-ass gravity pump proposal.]\n\nTATE\nWhat the?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha?\n\n[They pick up a cheque for all of Earth's money that has been\nsigned by Nixon's head.]\n\nNIXON\nHere's the funding for your gravity\npump. But it damn well better work!\nWe can't spend all of Earth's money\nevery day. Now, how long will it take\nto build?\n\nTATE\nIt won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this\ncomplex might take months or even -\n\n[Time skips and Tate and Farnsworth are in a large building.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, there we are. One gravity pump.\nPowerful enough to move the stars themselves.\nNow to begin the arduous task of attaching\nit to the ship so th -\n\n[Time skips. Farnsworth is in the Planet Express hangar watching\nthe ship take off with the gravity pump attached to its roof.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOff you go - apparently.\n\n[The gravity pump pushes a star forward with some blue stuff.]\n\nTATE\n(from ship) Easy, Leela. Just finger-roll\nthat star to the cosmic basket.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nJust a few...more...hundred...thousand...miles.\nThere!\n\n[The ship moves the star into place next to over ten others which\nhave been placed around the nebula.]\n\nTATE\n(from ship) Nothing but nebula!\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela waves the time flux meter around.]\n\nLEELA\nWe'll have to run some tests back on\nEarth, but I think we've stopped the\ntime skips.\n\nBENDER\nAlright!\n\nTATE\nJamming!\n\nFRY\nHooray for Leela!\n\nBENDER\nAnd what better way to celebrate our\nsuccess than by me showing Bubblegum\nthe Globetrotter uniform I made myself!\n\nTATE\nLet me see. Hello, lawsuit!\n\nFRY\nLeela, I want you to know I think the\nway you moved those stars around was\nreally wonderful. I got you something.\n\n[He opens a bottle of champagne and pours it into two glasses.\nLeela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nModerately-priced, domestic, non-vintage\nchampagne? How did you know?\n\nFRY\nYou deserve it. I mean, nobody ever\nstops to tell you what a great captain\nyou are.\n\nLEELA\nAww, that is so true and sweet.\n\nFRY\nYou're smart, you're beautiful, and\nbest of all, you'll go out with me-ee?\n\nLEELA\nFry, please try to understand. You're\na man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.\n\nBENDER\nHey, Leela. Bubblegum might let me organise\na bake sale for the Globetrotter wives.\nCan you teach me to make cupcakes?\n\nLEELA\nAlright, but I wanna lick the beaters.\n\n[She and Bender leave. Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nI got her champagne, I opened it. What\ndoes a guy have to do?\n\nTATE\n86 the chump stuff, F-man. It's time\nto win Leela's heart with a big-showy,\nthree-point romantic gesture.\n\nFRY\nHmm. Maybe this is the moment to show\nher my real surprise.\n\n[He sits in the pilot's chair and moves the ship into gear. Leela\nwalks in.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, what are you doing?\n\nTATE\nUh-oh. Time to boogie on down to the\nsauna!\n\n[He leaves and Fry presses some buttons.]\n\nFRY\nLook. I've been studying how to pilot\nthe ship. Impressed?\n\nLEELA\nYeah, actually. You're doing OK. The\ncore reactor temperature's nominal,\nthe blinker's off.\n\nFRY\nI learned how to work the gravity pump\ntoo. In case we need to move more stars.\nSo are we dating now?\n\n[Leela groans.]\n\nLEELA\nIs that what this is all about? Please,\njust cut it out now.\n\nFRY\nLook, Leela. I know there's some perfect,\namazing thing I can do to make you love\nme, and when I figure out what it is\n-\n\nLEELA\nFry, stop. I don't wanna hurt you, but\nthere is absolutely, positively no way\nthat you and I will ever, ever -\n\n[Time skips. Leela is wearing a wedding dress and Fry is wearing\na tuxedo. They are in the Temple of Robotology.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\n...Man and wife. You may kiss the bride.\n\n[Fry grins and kisses her. The other Planet Express crew and\nTate throw confetti. Marv Albert is on a seat.]\n\nALBERT\nYes!\n\n[Time Lapse. The other Globetrotters and the remaining Supermen\nare at the wedding too.]\n\nAMY\nWoo-hoo!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHe looks radiant!\n\n[Time skips. Leela's bouquet is in Fry's mouth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYe Gods, Bubblegum, we failed. The time\nskips haven't stopped at all.\n\nTATE\nEven in these formal shorts, I feel\nlike a failure.\n\nLEELA\nYou tricked me into marrying you, didn't\nyou?\n\nFRY\nOf course not.\n\nLEELA\nHow'd you do it? Drugs in the champagne?\nHypnosis?\n\nFRY\nNo! Drugs are for losers and hypnosis\nis for losers with big, weird eyebrows.\nI don't know what amazing thing I did\nyou make you love me but, whatever it\nwas, we're married now. We've got the\nrest of our lives to work -\n\n[Time skips. Leela and Fry are standing before Judge Whitey in\nFamous Original Ray's Superior Court.]\n\nWHITEY\nDivorce is final.\n\n[He bangs his gavel.]\n\nFRY\nWhat?\n\nLEELA\nWell, let's divide up the china. I guess\nI'll take the NFC helmets and you can\nhave the AFC helmets.\n\nFRY\nFine. Break my heart again.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the conference table\nand Amy, Hermes, Bender, Zoidberg and Tate are with him. Zoidberg\nputs his claw on Fry.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDon't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You\nlost the woman of your dreams, but you\nstill have Zoidberg. You all still have\nZoidberg.\n\nFRY\nHow did I do it? How did I get Leela\nto love me? I've got to figure it out.\n\nHERMES\nMaybe you're just a fantastic lover,\nFry.\n\nAMY\nUm, no.\n\nFRY\nI don't know what I'm doing.\n\nBENDER\nMaybe she'd come back to you if your\nbest friend Bender were a Globetrotter.\nWhat do you say, Bubblegum?\n\nTATE\nHell, no.\n\n[Bender groans and Fry sighs.]\n\nFRY\nOh, it's hopeless. I did something so\ngreat that it won Leela's heart and\nI'll never, ever know what it was. My\nlife is empty.\n\n[He sniffs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(sexfully) Zoidberg!\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth and Tate look over Tate's\nequations.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo wonder we failed to stop the time\nskips. Diverting Chronitons is mathematically\nimpossible. I knew I should have checked\nyour showboating Globetrotter algebra.\n\nTATE\nMan, I thought you knew that algebra\nwas all razzmatazz. A Globetrotter always\nsaves the good algebra for the final\nminutes.\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nVintage Bubblegum.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe time skips are worse than ever now.\nIsolated spots are jumping by years\nat a time. Look.\n\n[They look through the window.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Social Security Office. Two kids watch an old\nman walk out.]\n\nKID\nStupid senior citizens. Why should we\nhave to pay for their social security\nbenefits?\n\n[Time skips and the kids turn into old men.]\n\nOLD MAN\nI deserve free money!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, I'm stumped. We'll have to call\nin the finest scientific minds in the\nuniv -\n\n[Time skips and the other Globetrotters appear behind them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPerhaps we could explode the whole damned\nnebula. What do you think, Curly Joe?\n\nCURLY JOE\nNo, man. An explosion big enough to\ndestroy that mama would take out half\nthe universe.\n\nSWEET CLYDE\nYou gotta Globetrotter that explosion\nup a little, Farnsy. Make it an implosion.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBy God, Sweet Clyde is right. An implosion\nmight just form a black hole that would\nstop more Chronitons from escaping.\n\nTATE\nWhoa. Slow that brain train down, prof.\nWe'd need some kind of doomsday device\nto initiate an implosion like that.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDoomsday device? Ah, now the ball's\nin Farnsworth's court. I suppose I\ncould part with one and still be feared.\n\nTATE\nGive me some skin, prof. I'm making\nyou an honorary Globetrotter. In fact,\neverybody in this room's an honorary\nGlobetrotter.\n\nAMY\nHooray!\n\nHERMES\nYes!\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm a Globetrotter!\n\n[Bender runs in.]\n\nBENDER\n(gasping) Did you just say -\n\nTATE\nToo late, hot plate.\n\nBENDER\nOh, crap.\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Two Globetrotters attach a doomsday\ndevice to a mechanism and it rises into the ship's cargo bay.\nThe other Globetrotters shake hands with the Planet Express staff.]\n\nTATE\nWe must leave now, for we are needed\nelsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed.\n\n[They leave, dribbling their balls. Bender stops Tate.]\n\nBENDER\nPlease, please let me come with you.\nI can make myself taller.\n\n[He stretches his legs.]\n\nTATE\nBender, you can talk trash, you can\nhandle the ball. But look in your heart\nand ask yourself: Are you funky enough\nto be a Globetrotter? Are you?\n\nBENDER\nYes.\n\nTATE\nAre you?\n\nBENDER\nI mean, with time, my funk level could\n-\n\nTATE\nAre you?\n\nBENDER\n(sadly) No.\n\nTATE\nDeal with it.\n\n[He leaves and Bender returns to his normal size and begins to\ncry.]\n\n[The ship flies towards the nebula and Bender emerges from the\nstarboard torpedo tube holding the doomsday device. He is tethered\nto the ship and wearing a jet pack. The tether jerks and Bender\nlets go of the doomsday device.]\n\nBENDER\nOh! No!\n\n[He quickly grabs it again.]\n\nLEELA\nCareful with that doomsday device,\nBender.\n\nBENDER\nWhat does it matter? I'll never be a\nGlobetrotter. My life, and, by extension,\neveryone else's, is meaningless.\n\nLEELA\nRoger.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. She turns the radio off.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, about the wedding. I don't know\nwhat I did to make you love me, and\nI don't think I tricked you into it,\nbut maybe I did. And if I did, I'm sorry.\n\nLEELA\nIt's OK, Fry. You know we'll always\nbe friends, right?\n\nFRY\nYeah. But I don't guess anything I could\ndo will ever make you feel the same\nway about me that I do about you.\n\nLEELA\nI guess not.\n\n[She takes his hand, kisses him on the cheek and walks away.\nBender walks in, dusting his hands.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, the doomsday device is ready.\nMaybe blasting this quadrant of space\ninto a hell storm of flaming nothingness\nwill cheer me up a little.\n\nLEELA\nOK. Let me just take the ship out to\na safe distance. Actually, I think\nI'll go down and prep the detonator.\nFry, why don't you take the helm?\n\n[Fry smiles and sits in the chair. She leaves.]\n\nFRY\nShe's so great. I feel like I can almost\nremember the magical thing I did to\nmake her love me. But I guess I never\nwill.\n\nBENDER\nSorry, buddy. I too know what it's like\nto have a dream I'll never achieve.\n\n[He walks out, slowly whistling the Globetrotter tune. Fry presses\nsome buttons and the ship flies away from the nebula. He glances\nout of the window and sees something.]\n\nFRY\nOh! That's how I must have done it!\nI moved the stars themselves to write\nher a love note in the sky.\n\nLEELA\nDetonation in three, two, one.\n\nFRY\n(screaming) Nooo! Did you see it? Did\nyou see it?\n\nBENDER\nThe explosion?\n\nFRY\nNo, not the explosion!\n\nLEELA\nThen what?\n\n[Fry thinks for a moment and lowers his head.]\n\nFRY\n(quietly) Nothing.\n\n[Bender starts to whistle Sweet Georgia Brown again as Fry looks\nback through the window at the black hole.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-I-Dated-A-Robot.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 315\n\n\"I DATED A ROBOT\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: No Humans Were Probed In The Making\nOf This Episode.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The Scary Door opening credits roll.]\n\n[Smith steps out into the road and is hit by a car. He wakes\nup in a casino in front of a one armed bandit. He pulls the lever\nand three bars come up. The machine spews coins out into his\nlap. He laughs.]\n\nSMITH [ON TV]\nA casino where I'm winning? That car\nmust've killed me. I must be in heaven!\nA casino where I always win? That's\nboring. I must really be...in hell!\n\n[A bearded man appears at his side.]\n\nMAN [ON TV]\nNo Mr Smith. You're not in heaven or\nhell. You're on an aeroplane.\n\n[He pulls a curtain across. Smith looks out the window and sees\na gremlin tearing up the plane's wing.]\n\nSMITH [ON TV]\nThere's a gremlin destroying the plane!\nYou've gotta believe me!\n\nMAN [ON TV]\nWhy should I believe you? You're Hitler!\n\n[He holds up a mirror. Smith's reflection is indeed that of Hitler.]\n\nSMITH [ON TV]\nNo! Eva Braun! Help me!\n\n[She takes of her facemask, revealing she is a human-fly. Smith\nscreams. All of the Planet Express crew except Fry sit watching\nthe TV.]\n\nBENDER\nSaw it comin'!\n\n[Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nI just saw something incredibly cool.\nA big floating ball that lit up with\nevery colour of the rainbow, plus some\nnew ones that were so beautiful I fell\nto my knees and cried.\n\nAMY\nWas it out in front of Discount Shoe\nOutlet?\n\nFRY\nYeah.\n\nAMY\nThey have a college kid wear that to\nattract customers.\n\nFRY\nWell I don't care if it was some dork\nin a costume. For one brief moment I\nfelt the heartbeat of creation. And\nit was one with my own.\n\nAMY\nBig deal.\n\nBENDER\nWe all feel like that all the time.\nYou don't hear us gassin' on about it.\n\nFRY\nHow can you people be so blase? Here\nyou are in the year 3000 or so, yet\nyou just sit around like its the boring\ntime I came from.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBoring? Wasn't that the period where\nthey cracked the human genome and boy\nbands roamed the Earth?\n\nFRY\nYeah. But now its the distant future.\nWhy aren't we out doing everything I\never dreamed of?\n\nLEELA\nHey, you know what might be fun?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. Why would I know that?\n\nLEELA\nLet's take the rest of the morning off\nand take Fry to do everything he ever\nwanted to do.\n\nFRY\n(sexfully) Everything?\n\nLEELA\nExcept that.\n\n[A huge space station orbits a big green planet. \"Sal's Wrecking\nCo\" is painted on the side.]\n\n[Cut to: Sal's Wrecking Co. Sal straps Fry into a seat.]\n\nSAL\nSos your fantasy's always been to destroys\na planet huh?\n\nFRY\nYeah, what did they ever do for me?\n\n[He aims a gun at the planet, fires and blows the planet to smitherenes.\nHe laughs while the crew look on with blank expressions.]\n\nLEELA\nWow, the most humdrum activities look\nalmost exciting through your eyes. What\nshould we do next?\n\nFRY\nI wanna see the edge of the universe!\n\nAMY\nOoo! That sounds cool.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's funny. You live in the universe,\nbut you never do these things til somebody\ncomes to visit.\n\n[The Edge Of The Universe. The ship approaches a black/white\nboundary.]\n\n[The ship cruises towards the edge of space and lands in a parking\nspace. The crew get out and walk to a wall seperating space from\nthe nothingness after it. Fry puts some money in some binoculars\nand looks through them. He sees a Planet Express from a parallel\ncowboy universe wave. Our crew wave back.]\n\nFRY\nFar out! So, there's an infinite number\nof parallel universes?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, just the two.\n\nFRY\nOh, well, I'm sure that's enough.\n\nBENDER\nI'm sick of parallel Bender lording\nhis cowboy head over me! Let's move\non to Fry's next fantasy.\n\n[Jurassic Kiddie Park. Fry rides a Tyranosaurus Rex.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Yeehah! Bow before your master,\npuny mortals! Whoo! Giddy-up! Ha ha!\nWoohoo! Whoopie!\n\n[A mother and daughter look on.]\n\nGIRL\nMommy, why is that man like that?\n\nMOTHER\nDon't look at him!\n\n[Fry dismounts and hops over the wall to his friends.]\n\nFRY\nThat was fun. Let's give him a treat!\n\n[He puts 5 cents in a Dino-Feed machine and gets a pig out of\nit. He holds it up to the dinosaur which walks over to it. The\npig squeals.]\n\nLEELA\nKeep your palms flat.\n\n[The dinosaur gobbles up the pig. Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nThe tongue tickles.\n\n[He laughs some more. He pulls his arms down - but his hands\naren't there.]\n\n[Outside Hand Crafters. The crew leave the store. Fry's new hands\nhave a slightly darker skin tone.]\n\nFRY\nThese new hands are great. I'm gonna\nbreak them in tonight.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes it's been quite an hour and a half.\n\nFRY\nI've only got two fantasies left: Be\ninvisible in a chocolate factory and\nbe romantically linked with a celebrity.\n\nBENDER\nI could pound your head 'til you thinks\nthat's what happened.\n\n[He pulls an iron bar out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nFRY\nOK.\n\nLEELA\nWait, hold on. It is actually possible\nto meet any celebrity you want.\n\nFRY\nIt is?\n\nLEELA\nOf course! You should read a blimp sometime.\n\n[She points to a passing blimp advertising downloadable celebrities\nat nappster.com.]\n\nFRY\nDownload a celebrity from the internet?\nWhat part of that do I understand?\n\nLEELA\nIt's simple. You can download a celebrity's\npersonality and appearance into a blank\nrobot.\n\nFRY\nHey, I have an idea. Let's do that!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela and Fry put on the net\nsuits.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOnto the internet you go!\n\nBENDER\nOh and while you're there pick me up\na few credit card numbers.\n\n[Farnsworth logs Fry and Leela in.]\n\n[Cut to: Internet Browser. Fry and Leela materialise outside\npentagon.web, a top secret site which has just been hacked. They\nwalk past oldtrek-vs-newtrek.web where two trekkies have an important\ndebate.]\n\nTREKKIE #1\nNo way! Kirk could kick Picard's ass!\n\nTREKKIE #2\nEh, at least Picard had the guts to\nadmit he was bald!\n\nTREKKIE #1\nYou take that back!\n\n[Fry and Leela come to eBay.]\n\nFRY\nOoo! eBay!\n\n[Cut to: eBay. The Milky Way galaxy is up for sale.]\n\nAUCTIONEER\nAre there no further bids for this exquisite\ngalaxy? Sold to the Being Of Inconceivable\nHorror.\n\n[The Being Of Inconceivable Horror laughs.]\n\nAUCTIONEER\nYes.\n\n[The Being Of Inconceivable Horror laughs harder.]\n\n[Cut to: Internet Browser.]\n\nFRY\nSo where's the celebrity dating place?\n\nLEELA\nLet's search the web. Over there.\n\n[Leela and Fry walk inside nappster.com.]\n\n[Cut to: nappster.com.]\n\nSALESMAN\nWelcome to Nappster. Let's see what\ncelebrities we've got in stock. Can\nI interest you in Gwyneth Paltrow?\n\nFRY\nNah. I read in Newsweek that she drinks\nhuman blood.\n\nSALESMAN\nThen uh, how about Cleopatra? Who's\nbeauty destroyed mighty empires.\n\nFRY\nI'd prefer someone from the era of shaved\nunderarms. Do you have anything with\na more Lucy Liu feel to it?\n\nSALESMAN\nNah, nothing like that. Though we do\nhave Lucy Liu. Only woman ever to be\nnamed People magazine's woman of the\nyear twice. In 2003, and then again\nin 2063.\n\nFRY\nI'd like the 2003 model.\n\n[An image of Lucy Liu appears.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry and Leela takes\noff their net helmets.]\n\nFRY\nWahoo! I've found her! What do I do\nnow?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDownload her. Let's just put a blank\nrobot in the drive.\n\n[He lifts a basic robot out of a box of ten and hands it to Fry.\nFry puts it in the drive. Lucy Liu is downloaded from the net\nand she appears on the robot. Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nIt worked!\n\nLIUBOT\nYou're one sexy man (mechanical voice)\nPhilip J. Fry!\n\n[She leaps into his arms and kisses him. She pushes him to the\nfloor.]\n\nFRY\n(muffled) It worked perfectly!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry is still dumbstruck and he gazes at his Liubot\nwith his mouth wide open.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, you downloaded Lucy Liu. Are you\njust going to stare vacantly at her\nand not say anything?\n\n[Fry guffaws.]\n\nLIUBOT\nI find your slack-jawed stare very attractive\n(mechanical voice) Philip J. Fry.\n\nFRY\nDid you hear that? She likes me!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell duh! She's programmed to like you!\n\nFRY\nBut this is Lucy Liu! Perhaps the only\ngood actress of the 21st century! She's\nmore than just a piece of software.\n\nLIUBOT\nWould you like to take a moment to register\nme?\n\nFRY\nUh, not right now.\n\nLIUBOT\nI'll remind you later you hot stud you!\n\nFRY\nSo uh, what do you feel like doing?\n\nLIUBOT\nWould you like to take a moment to register\nme?\n\nFRY\nI said later!\n\n[Dinkin' Donuts. Fry and the Liubot are on a date. Fry is gobbling\ndonuts.]\n\nFRY\nThen when I feel so stuffed I can't\neat anymore, I just use the restroom,\nand then I can eat more.\n\nLIUBOT\nYou should write a book Fry. People\nneed to know about the (mechanical voice)\ncan eat more.\n\nFRY\nOh Lucy! You're just like I always thought\nyou'd be from your movies.\n\nLIUBOT\nMy personality is mathematically derived\nfrom my movies, proportionally weighted\nby box office receipts.\n\n[Fry stares blankly then bites into a donut.]\n\n[Montage Fry and the Liubot date to Wham!'s Love Machine. First\nthey drop steaks into the octopus tank at the Brooklyn Aquarium\nand the octopus eats it a wiggles it's tentacles around. Next\nFry eats a hotdog while the Liubot runs down a street with him\non her shoulders. In the Planet Express lounge Fry has a toy\nsoldier war. He throws one at a fan and it richochets off in\nanother direction. Liubot dives on Fry and pushes him under the\ntable.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Liubot are sat on the couch.]\n\nFRY\nYou're cute!\n\nLIUBOT\nYou're cute!\n\nFRY\nYou!\n\nLIUBOT\nYou!\n\nFRY\nYou!\n\nLIUBOT\nYou!\n\nFRY\nYou!\n\n[The rest of the crew watch in horror.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh dear! She's stuck in an infinite\nloop and he's an idiot. Well, that's\nlove for you.\n\nBENDER\nHumans dating robots is sick. You people\nwonder why I'm still single?? It's 'cause\nall the fun robot sisters are dating\nhumans!\n\nLEELA\nBender, this is Fry's decision. And\nhe made it wrong, so it's time for us\nto interfere in his life.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela breaks the news to Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nShe doesn't really love you. She can't.\nShe's just a machine that -\n\nFRY\nWell, so what if I love a robot? It's\nnot hurting anybody.\n\nHERMES\nMy God! He never took middle school\nhygiene. He never saw the propaganda\nfilm.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's just lucky I keep a copy in the\nVCR at all times!\n\n[He presses a button and a film title appears on the screen:\nI Dated A Robot!. In the movie a couple sit in a caf\u00e9 and stare\ninto each other's eyes. A narrator walks into the scene.]\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nOrdinary human dating. It's enjoyable\nand it serves an important purpose.\nBut when a human dates an artificial\nmate, there is no purpose. Only enjoyment.\nAnd that leads to...tragedy.\n\n[The woman behind him turns into a blank robot and the man downloads\na celebrity onto it.]\n\nBILLY [IN MOVIE]\nNeato! A Marylin Monroebot!\n\nMONROEBOT [IN MOVIE]\nOoo! You're a real dreamboat (mechanical\nvoice) Billy Everyteen!\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nHarmless fun? Let's see what happens\nnext!\n\n[The scene cuts to Billy's bedroom. He is kissing the Monroebot.\nEnter his mother.]\n\nBILLY [IN MOVIE]\nNo thank Mom, I'd rather make out with\nmy Monroebot.\n\n[Enter his dad.]\n\nBILLY [IN MOVIE]\nNo thanks dad, I'd rather make out with\nmy Monroebot.\n\n[Enter his girlfriend, Mavis, from the caf\u00e9.]\n\nMAVIS [IN MOVIE]\nBilly, do you want to come over tonight?\nWe can make out together.\n\nBILLY [IN MOVIE]\nGee Mavis, your house is across the\nstreet, that's an awfully long way to\ngo for making out.\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nDid you notice what went wrong in that\nscene? Ordinarily Billy would work hard\nto make money from his paper route then\nhe'd use the money to buy dinner for\nMavis, thus earning the slim chance\nof performing the reproductive act.\nBut in a world where teens can date\nrobots why should he bother? Why should\nanyone bother? Let's take a look at\nBilly's planet a year later. Where\nare all the football stars? And where\nare the biochemists? They are trapped\n- trapped in a soft, vice-like grip\nof robot lips. All civilisation was\njust an effort to impress the opposite\nsex. And sometimes the same sex. Now,\nlet's skip forward 80 years into the\nfuture. Where is Billy?\n\n[The scene changes to a post-apocalyptic world. Billy is an aged\nman but he is still with his Monroebot and still making out with\nher.]\n\nBILLY [IN MOVIE]\nFarewell!\n\n[He dies.]\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nThe next day Billy's planet was destroyed\nby aliens. Have you guessed the name\nof Billy's planet? It was Earth. Don't\nDate Robots!\n\n[A caption appears on the screen with the same words on it and\nthe movie ends. The space pope is displayed on the screen with\nCrocodylus Pontiflex written around him in English and alien.]\n\nLEELA\nDid that make any impression on you\nFry? Fry?\n\n[She turns around. Fry and Liubot are making out. Liubot giggles.]\n\nLIUBOT\nOoo!\n\n[Farnsworth holds up another tape.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI knew I should have shown him Electro\nGonhorrhea: The Noisy Killer.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits in a chair with his legs\ncrosses holding a cigar. He puts on a weird voice as he speaks.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat is the world coming to? That Fry's\na sicko pervert I tell you, dating a\nrobot. It's an atrosmacy.\n\nLEELA\nBut Fry's our friend Bender.\n\nBENDER\nAww jeez would you stifle there meatbag?\n\nLEELA\nYou stifle Bender.\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray! Finally you're standing up to\nhim.\n\nLEELA\nAlthough he is completely right.\n\nBENDER\nWe've got to stem this tidal wave of\nmoral decay. It's time to shut down\nnappster.com!\n\n[Nappster HQ. Enter Bender, Leela and Zoidberg.]\n\nBENDER\nWho's in charge of this dump?\n\n[Jeff Jervis CEO stands up.]\n\nJERVIS\nThat'd be me. If you're an investor\nyou can dump your money in the hole\nthere.\n\nBENDER\nListen you fat internet nerd.\n\nJERVIS\nListening.\n\nBENDER\nYour company promotes wrong love! If\nyou don't shut down right now the only\nthing wired about you will be your jaw!\n\nJERVIS\nYou can't shut us down. The internet\nis about the free exchange and sale\nof other people's ideas. We've done\nnothing wrong!\n\n[Lucy Liu suddenly cries out from behind a door marked Authorized\nPersonnel Only.]\n\nLIU [FROM ROOM]\nHelp! I'm being held prisoner!\n\nZOIDBERG\nSomeone in trouble is!\n\nJERVIS\nNo stay out! There's a guy going for\nthe Tetris world record in there!\n\n[He covers the door with himself and part of a sign covering\nthe nappster sign falls away. Nappster is really kidnappster!\nBender pushes Jervis out the way and he Leela and Zoidberg run\nin.]\n\n[Cut to: Kidnappster HQ. The room is filled with heads in jars.]\n\nWOMAN\nWho are you?\n\nCHEECH\nDon't hurt us!\n\nLIU\nHelp me! They've been holding me prisoner\nfor 800 years!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe real Lucy Liu! The one you can see\na movie of in the popcorn stadium!\n\nBENDER\nSo what's your problem?\n\nLIU\nThose sweaty nerds are making illegal\ncopies of us. (crying) It hurts!\n\n[Jervis knocks on the door.]\n\nBENDER\nIts a bluff.\n\nLEELA\nWe can't take that chance. Move people\nmove!\n\nGEORGE MICHAEL\nPlease pick me up before you go go!\n\nLEELA\nShe asked first.\n\n[She picks up Liu's jar and activates a pressure alarm. She replaces\nLiu's jar with that of Madeline Albright. Someone downloads her\nand she screams.]\n\n[Cut to: Nerd's Bedroom. Albright is downloaded onto a blank\nrobot. There is a table and candles in the room.]\n\nNERD\nUh, are you Lucy Liu?\n\n[The Albrightbot sees the table and smiles.]\n\nALBRIGHTBOT\nSure!\n\n[Outside Nappster HQ. Bender, Leela and Zoidberg climb out of\na window with Liu's head and run away.]\n\n[Cut to: Nappster HQ. Jervis and another man watch them on the\nscreen.]\n\nJERVIS\nOh we're doomed. They got the head,\nthey uncovered the sign! Soon the whole\nworld will learn we're cyber criminals!\nAnd we would have gotten away with it\nif it weren't for those meddling adults.\n\nMAN\nWe'll stop them. They like Lucy Liu,\nwe'll give them all the Lucy Liu they\ncan handle! Hand me that backup disk.\n\n[He puts the disk in the drive and changes the Liu-Mo-Tron setting\nto Erotic Assassin.]\n\n[Cut to: Street.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDid you see me escaping? I was like\n-\n\n[He woops.]\n\nLIU\nThanks for rescuing me, especially you\nBender. (sexfully) Mmm, quite a masculine\npiece of metal aren't you?\n\nBENDER\nHey don't look at me like that. If you're\nthinking of crossing the line with Bender\nyou can forget it. Bender don't bend\nthat way.\n\nLEELA\nHey look its another Lucy Liubot.\n\nLIUBOT #2\n(mechanical voice) I am Lucy Liu. Give\nme your spines.\n\n[She leaps into the air and lands between the four.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHey what the?\n\n[She kicks him. She moves towards Bender and he backs away. She\nstarts punching him.]\n\nLIUBOT #2\n(mechanical voice) Take this and that\nand one of these.\n\n[She grabs him between her legs and slams him against the pavement.]\n\nLIU\nHey cut it out! I don't need this kind\nof publicity!\n\n[The Liubot gets up and moves towards Leela. She kicks her in\nthe face and trips her over. She gets up.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright Liu. Time to kick your frosty\nwell toned ass! Heyya!\n\n[She kicks her and the two get into a fight. Leela gains the\nupper hand and kicks the Liubot against a fire hydrant.]\n\nBENDER\nThen along came Bender!\n\n[He turns the fire hydrant on and the Liubot starts to inflate.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLooks like you're retaining water.\n\n[He snips it with his claws and it explodes. They cheer.]\n\nLIU\nThat was incredible Bender. You're like\nJackie Chan before he got all doughy.\n\nBENDER\nAw shucks. I wasn't afraid of that robot.\nI'm pretty brave when you get past my\nmacho exterior! It's an army of Lucy\nLius!\n\n[Leela and Zoidberg scream.]\n\nLIU\nThey're horrible!\n\n[The Liubots start flipping over cars and kicking over mailboxes.]\n\n[A Liubot throws a man through a window.]\n\nLIUBOT #3\n(mechanical voice) Robot Croucing Tiger.\n\nLIUBOT #4\n(mechanical voice) Robot Crane style!\n\n[Cut to: Newsstand. The Liubots chase people down the streets.\nZapp Brannigan turns on the sexlexia.]\n\nZAPP\nNow that's a wave of destruction that's\neasy on the eyes.\n\n[A Liubot grabs him by the throat.]\n\n[She throws him across the street and he gets stuck between a\nsewer grate.]\n\n[Loew's-N-Plex. Fry and his Liubot are at the cinema watching\nthe 2007 classic Charlie's Angels III: The Legend Of Charlie's\nGold.]\n\nFRY\nThis is the best movie I've ever seen.\nIt has a vampire and an explosion!\n\nLIUBOT\nIt's amazing the way you (mechanical\nvoice) notice two things.\n\nALEX [IN MOVIE]\nNo! Don't open that coffin! It's ticking!\n\nNATALIE [IN MOVIE]\nI have to Alex. That coffin's not going\nto open itself!\n\n[The coffin opens itself. A vampire sits up.]\n\nVAMPIRE [IN MOVIE]\nBleurgh!\n\n[He explodes. Fry and Liubot are making out again. Enter Bender,\nLeela, Zoidberg and Lucy Liu.]\n\nLIU\nLet's hide in here. It'll add to my\nbox office gross!\n\nLEELA\nFry?\n\nFRY\nAww, you guys came to watch me make\nout! That is so sweet. Wait a minute!\nIs that the head of who I think it's\nof?\n\nLIU\nRead the jar Evelyn Wood! Dr Z?\n\n[Zoidberg clacks.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, a herd of Lucy Liu are destroying\nthe city. Is yours acting normally?\n\nFRY\nLet me see. Yep. Why do you ask?\n\nALEX [IN MOVIE]\nMr Mayor, if you want to see a real\nvampire look in the mirror!\n\nMAYOR [IN MOVIE]\nI can't! I'm a vampire!\n\n[Enter the Liubots via the screen. The audience screams. The\nLiubots knocks a few people over, rip up some chairs and batter\npeople with them. One hits Zoidberg with a chair and he screams.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhy?\n\nLEELA\nAnd Nappster says illegal copies never\nhurt anybody.\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nQuick, this way!\n\n[They all run to the projector room. The Liubots follow.]\n\n[Cut to: Corridor. Fry stops and so do the Liubots. He picks\nup a sign.]\n\nFRY\nSorry laides, employees only.\n\n[A Liubot eats the sign. Fry screams and runs up the stairs.\nThey run after him. He runs into the projector room and closes\nthe door behind him.]\n\n[Cut to: Projector Room.]\n\nLEELA\nOh no. They're forming a human pyramid...of\nrobots.\n\n[The Liubots climb on each other.]\n\nBENDER\nDammit! We weren't counting on them\nbeing as smart as they are sexy!\n\nLIU\nA dangerous mistake to make.\n\n[Zoidberg presses a button and a door opens. A huge bag of popcorn\nis behind it.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAt least we've got food.\n\nLEELA\nDr Zoidberg cut open that bag!\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray!\n\nLEELA\nAnd don't eat it.\n\n[Zoidberg sighs and cuts the bag. He is knocked over by the high\npressure popcorn that shoots out from the bag. The popcorn flies\nout the window and knocks over the pyramid of Liubots.]\n\n[The Liubots are completely submerged under popcorn. Everyone\ncheers.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLife was bad but now its good forever!\n\n[The Liubots eat their way out of the popcorn and start firing\nit at the projector room. Everyone screams and ducks.]\n\nBENDER\nYou'll be safe in here sweetheart.\nGet lost Pavorotti!\n\n[He throws the head over his shoulder and puts Liu's head in.]\n\nFRY\nLucy Liubot, if I don't survive the\ncorn I want you to know that I love\nyou as much as a man can love a computerised\nimage of gorgeous celebrity. Which it\nturns out is a lot.\n\nLIUBOT\nOh Fry, I love you more than the moon\nand the stars and the (mechanincal voice)\npoetic image number 37 not found.\n\n[She stands up and the popcorn starts hitting her. She starts\nwalking towards the projection window.]\n\nFRY\nWhat are you doing darling? Get down!\n\n[The Liubot points the projector at the other Liubots. They starts\nto swell up.]\n\n[They explode. Fry's Liubot flickers on the floor.]\n\nFRY\nYou saved us. Are you alright?\n\nLIUBOT\nYes my love. I'll be just (mechanical\nvoice) massive corn clog in port seven.\n\nLIU\nAre you the last copy of me?\n\nLIUBOT\nYes.\n\nLIU\nErase her Fry.\n\nFRY\nWhat?? No!\n\nLIU\nFry, when you downloaded her without\nmy permission you stole my image. And\nin the end that's all I really have.\nThat and the largest gold nugget in\nthe world - one mile in diameter.\n\nFRY\nBut I just downloaded her because I\nlove you.\n\nLIU\nIf you love the real Lucy Liu and not\nwhat you've seen in movies, genre stradling\nlawyer shows and kiss ass articles in\nPeople magazine, you'll blank out that\nrobot.\n\n[Fry starts to cry. The Liubot flickers.]\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry. Hug me Liubot.\n\n[She does. Fry reaches behind her hair and presses the erase\nbutton.]\n\nLIUBOT\nI'll always remember you Fry (mechanical\nvoice) memory deleted.\n\n[Her image flickers away just leaving a battered blank robot.]\n\nBENDER\nI know it hurts buddy. But at least\nyou're not in a sick relationship with\na robot anymore.\n\nFRY\nUh huh. And I guess now maybe I can\nget to know the real Lucy Liu.\n\nBENDER\nPft! Yeah at our wedding!\n\nLIU\nIt's true. Bender and I are in love.\n\nFRY\nBut, but!\n\nBENDER\nDon't be a prude Fry!\n\n[He kisses Liu's jar while Fry looks on, eyes twitching.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Roswell-That-Ends-Well.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 401\n\n\"ROSWELL THAT ENDS WELL\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Fun For The Whole Family Except Grandma\nAnd Grandpa.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards a star and stops a short\ndistance from it. Bender, Leela and Farnsworth are sat on the\ncouch. Fry and Zoidberg stand at either side.]\n\nFRY\nI've never seen a supernova blow up.\nBut if it's anything like my old Chevy\nNova, it'll light up the night sky!\n\nBENDER\nYeah, anyone who misses this will regret\nit for the rest of his life! Hey Fry\ncould you go make some popcorn?\n\nFRY\nOK.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\n[Ship's Galley. Fry picks up some Iffy Pop and tears the top\noff.]\n\nFRY\nLet's go microwave, I'm in a hurry here!\nHm? Hey, what smells like blue?\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nFry get up here it's starting!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFocus!\n\n[Leela twizzles his glasses and he smiles, satisfied. The star\nexplodes and a wave of red starts to move out from it. It hits\nthe ship and the cockpit is engulfed with red. The crew gasp\nin horror. The red reaches the consoles.]\n\nBENDER\nAw no!\n\n[The consoles fizzle and crackle. The blue from the galley enters\nthe cockpit and moves towards the red. The crew scream more.\nEnter Fry from the galley hatch.]\n\nFRY\nHey, which crazy thing happening are\nyou guys screaming about?\n\n[The blue and red meet and they fizzle and discharge energy.\nThe ship shakes and disappears in a flash. They have entered\na timehole. The ship shakes. Fry hangs onto the couch. The clock\nrapidly moves backwards from September 21st 3002. The ship passes\nhundreds of different types of clocks. The timehole opens again\nand ship emerges, the crew dazed and disorientated.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOooh my head is spinning.\n\n[The microwave dings.]\n\nFRY\nOoo my popcorn's done!\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Galley. Fry opens the microwave and is disappointed.\nHe doesn't have popcorn, instead he has an entire corn on the\ncob.]\n\nFRY\nAw, it's less popped than ever.\n\nLEELA\nI don't know what happened but we've\ntaken on a lot of clocks. Let's get\nback home.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards Earth.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy is there so little traffic around\nEarth?\n\n[The Professor looks at a screen.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd what's this layer of ozone? That's\nnever been there before.\n\n[On the screen Warning is displayed and a klaxon sounds. Zoidberg\nholds his claws to his ears.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSuch noises!\n\nLEELA\nOh no! There's no global positioning\nsignal! Navigation is failing!\n\nFRY\nWe're gonna crash!\n\nLEELA\nNot if I can help it! Oh, I guess I\ncan't. Everyone put on your seatbelts.\n\n[Fry, Farnsworth and Zoidberg sit down and belt up. Leela puts\nhers on.]\n\nBENDER\nAh those things cost more lives than\nthey save.\n\n[The ship loses altitude fast and comes down in a desert area.\nIt crashes into an outcrop of rocks. Bender flies through the\nwindscreen and off into the distance.]\n\n[Desert. The crew look around at the pieces of scattered Bender.\nFry talks to Bender's severed head.]\n\nFRY\nBender, are you OK?\n\nBENDER\nI dunno. I'll try to move my feet.\n\n[He tries and he succeeds. But his feet are quite a way away\nfrom him.]\n\nLEELA\nAlright, here's the plan. Zoidberg,\npick up the pieces. Everyone else, take\nfive.\n\n[They all head back to the ship. Zoidberg starts recovering Bender.He\nuses Bender's arm as a picky up thing and puts the bits in his\nchest cabinet.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Many hours have passed and it is now night. A wolf\nhowls and Zoidberg finishes picking up bits of Bender.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd Zoidberg picks up another piece,\nthe crowd goes wild!!\n\n[He mimes his crowd screaming. Car headlights shine in his eyes.\n[Zoidberg shields his eyes and looks.] What is?\n\n[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. A table covered by a sheet is all that\nis in the building. Two men approach it.]\n\nMAN\nGeneral in all my years of covering\ntop secret discoveries with sheets I've\nnever dramatically revealed anything\nas shocking as this. Dun-dun-dunnn!\nThe debris from an alien spaceship!\n\n[He dramatically pulls the sheet away revealing bits of Bender\non the table. The General picks up Bender's arm.]\n\nGENERAL\nSon I think I can safely say (shouting)\nwhoaaaa!\n\nMAN\nAs you can see, 1947 is going to be\nan eventful year for the town of...Roswell,\nNew Mexico!\n\n[Desert. Men in radiation suits are scaning the area with metal\ndetectors. Another two read the radiation on Bender's arm with\na Geiger-M\u00fcller counter. The arm steals a wallet from one of\nthe men's pockets. Behind them the ship is still stuck on the\nrocky outcrop.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Farnsworth, Fry and Bender's head look\nat a console.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nRemarkable! According the high precision\ndigital chronograph it's July 9th 1947.\nWhich would explain why the chronograph\nhas turned into this pin-up calendar.\n\nBENDER\nWait a second. You mean we travelled\nthrough time?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDoy! Some idiot must have put metal\nin the microwave...\n\nFRY\nYo!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n...and the microwave's radiation combined\nwith the gravitons and graviolis from\nthe supernova blasted us through Time\nitself.\n\n[Enter Leela with a newspaper. She slaps it down on the console.]\n\nLEELA\nHave you seen today's news?\n\nBENDER\nHigh school gym renovations on schedule?\nWhat a load!\n\nLEELA\nNo over here! Flying Saucer Captured!\n\n[Bender sees the picture - a man holds his torso.]\n\nBENDER\nThat's no flying saucer, that's my ass!\n\nFRY\nMy God! This mean the flying saucer\nthat crashed in Roswell...was...us!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd the alien they captured was...was...\n\n[Cut to: Airbase Hangar. Men open a crate. Zoidberg is inside\nbehind some bars. He waves.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHello!\n\nGENERAL\nEurgh!\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo what are you guys doing tonight?\nI'm up for whatever.\n\n[The General and the other man look at each other.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Farnsworth and Fry look at a screen. A picture\nof the timehole is on the screen.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes we tore the universe a new space-hole\nalright! But it's clenching shut fast.\nOur only hope of getting back to our\nown time is to go through it in oh say......exactly\n24 hours.\n\n[Leela blowtorches the steering wheel.]\n\nLEELA\nNo problem. The ship's fixed except\nfor the cup holder and I think I can\nhave that operational within 10 hours.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou've got 8. But a more urgent concern\nis the microwave. Without a working\none we have no hope of returning to\nthe future.\n\nLEELA\nWell, I'm sure we can buy a microwave\nfrom somewhere around here. Meanwhile\nyou guys sneak onto the army base and\nrescue Bender's body.\n\nFRY\nHey, and while we're on the base I'll\nvisit my grandfather Enos! He was stationed\nat Roswell.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYour grandfather? Stay away from him\nyou dimwitted monkey. You mustn't interfere\nwith the past. Don't do anything that\naffects anything, unless it turns out\nyou were supposed to do it. In which\ncase. for the love of God, don't not\ndo it!\n\nFRY\nGot it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIf for example you were to kill your\ngrandfather, you would cease to exist!\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nBut existing is basically all I do!\n\n[Airbase Hangar. The men look on as Zoidberg sleeps on the table.]\n\nGENERAL\nWhat is your purpose here?\n\n[Zoidberg wakes up.]\n\nZOIDBERG (DROWSY)\nAlright officer I'll move along.\n\nMAN\nWhat the General means is, why did you\ncome to Earth?\n\nZOIDBERG\nNot a day goes by I don't ask myself\nthe same question.\n\n[Outside Airbase. Fry and Bender's head hide behind a jeep just\noutside the base. Fry gets out a can of all purpose spray and\nsprays onto him some boots, some trousers and a shirt.]\n\n[Airbase. Fry walks around the base looking around at all the\nactivity going on.]\n\nSERGEANT (SHOUTING)\nEnos! Private, I want that toilet bowl\nso clean I could eat off it! Cos I intend\nto!\n\nENOS\nWell gadzooks Sarge!\n\n[The Sergeant continues yelling.]\n\nFRY\nIt's him! It's my grandfather Enos.\n\nSERGEANT\n...Now prepare my lunch and place it\nin the latrine at twelve hundred hours!\n\n[The Sergeant walks away and Enos slowly walks towards the kitchens.\nA jeep slowly drives towards him on the road. Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nThat jeep's gonna hit him! And I won't\nexist anymore! Are you crazy? You almost\ngot yourself run over!\n\nENOS\nI did? Then I sure am lucky you knocked\nme onto this pile of rusty bayonets!\n\nBENDER\nFry! Stop interfering with history!\nI don't wanna have to memorise a lot\nof new kings when I get back!\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nI had no choice. I was about to not\nexist. I could feel myself fading away,\nlike Greg Kinnear.\n\n[Enos gets up and dusts himself off.]\n\nENOS\nWell, thanks soldier. I'm off to make\nSarge's lunch! Handling raw chicken?\nIt's part of the job! Mmm! Finger licking\ngood!\n\nFRY\nThat's it! This place is too dangerous.\nWe've gotta get you out of here! Everything's\ngonna be alright Dad!\n\nENOS\nWell gadzooks I'd better ask Sarge.\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nNo time! Run! Run to safety!\n\n[Cut to: Bombing Range (Formerly Minefield). Fry and Enos run\non and dodge mines and bombs, screaming.]\n\n[Airbase Building. The General and the man stand behind a one\nway mirror in a room filled with computers and things.]\n\nMAN\nThis food will determine what food,\nif any, the alien eats.\n\n[Cut to: In Front Of The Mirror. Enter Zoidberg who turns around\nand sees a table full of food.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nA buffet! Oh if only I had my wallet\nwith me.\n\n[Cut to: Behind The Mirror. The man presses a button and his\nvoice is heard in the next room on an intercom.]\n\nMAN\nUm, it's free.\n\n[Zoidberg squeals with delight and gorges on the food. It splatters\nup against the mirror. The men peer into the room and recoil\nin horror as Zoidberg splatters himself against the window and\nlicks the food off.]\n\nGENERAL\nGet me the president.\n\n[Sears-Roebuck. In the department store Farnsworth and Leela,\ndressed in 20th century garb, look around.]\n\nLEELA\nFry's from around this time, I'll talk\nlike him.\n\n[Cut to: Appliances. Leela walks up behind a salesman.]\n\nLEELA\nYo homes! We're looking for a microwave\noven.\n\nSALESMAN\nMicrowave? Never heard of that brand\nsweetheart. What you want is the Deuluxe\nGas Princess. This baby has four broilers,\na gaserrole indicator, a fold out ironing\nboard and down here...a foot soaking\ntub. Since as a woman you'll be standing\nin front of it all day.\n\n[Leela gives the man and evil and opens the oven door. It lands\non his knee. He screams.]\n\nLEELA\nOh I'm sorry, now I'll ax you again:\nWhere can we find a mi-cro-wave?\n\nSALESMAN\nSir you're wife's hysterical. So I'll\naddress this to you. This oven is lightning\nfast. It takes only 5 hours to cook\na roast.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOoo that's good news! You know you really\ndon't cook enough roast Leela! Ooo.\nWomen!\n\n[Street. Fry and Enos walk.]\n\nFRY\nThank God I got you off that dangerour\narmy base!\n\nENOS\nYou sure are the helpful type stranger!\nSay, you got anything to eat in that\nthere lunchbox? Ooo! Snack!\n\n[He puts them in his mouth and cringes.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, that's my brain...\n\n[Fry puts Bender's head in a sack and Bender's words become muffled.]\n\nENOS\nMan, them crackers cut my mouth up somethin'\nbad! Let's stop off for a malt!\n\n[Joe's Malts. Fry and Enos sit at a table.]\n\nENOS\nSee that waitress there?\n\nFRY\nYowza! I know what I want for dessert!\n\nENOS\nThat's my fiance! Mildred.\n\nFRY\nGrandma Mildred?! Uh, no dessert, just\ncoffee.\n\nMILDRED\nOkie doke. And for you snuggums?\n\nENOS\nUh, I'll have a pie with a fried egg\non top.\n\n[Mildred kisses him.]\n\nFRY\nEh she sure is pretty. You ought to\nmarry her and father some children right\naway!\n\nENOS\nYeah folks say that. But did you ever\nget the feeling you're only going with\ngirls cos you're supposed to?\n\nFRY\nWhat?? Don't ever say or think that\nagain! Please. Just concentrate on staying\nalive! Fire! Look out! Oh! You almost\ngot neutered.\n\nENOS\nWell, it ain't as bad as getting killed!\n\nFRY\nFor me it is! I'm getting you out of\nhere!\n\n[He grabs Enos and they run out. Mildred watches and sighs.]\n\n[Desert. Fry drives a jeep out to the middle of nowhere and stops\noutside a shack.]\n\n[Cut to: Shack.]\n\nFRY\nOK, we're in the middle of nowhere,\nwhich is the safest part of nowhere.\nJust stay put and enjoy this calendar.\n\n[He puts the pin-up from the ship above the fireplace. Enos flips\nit over to a picture of a man. Fry angryily turns it back to\nthe woman.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Shack. Fry locks the door, get's in the jeep\nand drives away.]\n\nFRY\nSafe and sound! Finally I can continue\nto exist!\n\n[He drives past a sign Atomic Test In Progress.]\n\n[Cut to: Building. Three men watch and one counts down.]\n\nMAN\n3. 2. 1.\n\n[The atomic bomb goes off.]\n\n[Cut to: Shack. Enos is looking at the picture of the man. He\nlooks outside the window at and approaching glow.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Shack. The atomic blast tears the shack and\nit occupants apart.]\n\n[Cut to: Jeep. Fry looks in the mirror and sees the mushroom\ncloud. He stops and looks back.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd you are outta here!\n\n[Joe's Malts. Leela and Farnsworth look at the menu's.]\n\nMILDRED\nWhat'll you folks have today?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'll have the soylent green, with a\nslice of soylent orange and some soylent\ncoleslaw.\n\nMILDRED\nPardon?\n\nLEELA (WHISPERING)\nIt's the 20th century Professor.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh right! I'll have a croque monsieur,\nthe paella, two mutton pills and a stein\nof mead!\n\nLEELA\nI'll just have a small injection of\nfemislim.\n\nMILDRED\nUh, two chilli dogs comin' up.\n\n[She walks off.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, settle in. Without a microwave\nwe're trapped in this time period.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible\nmusic of the big bopper, and then the\nterrible tragedy of his death.\n\n[Leela looks through the window and sees something.]\n\nLEELA\nWait a second. There's a microwave radar\ndish at the army base. We could steal\nit!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo! That would alter history. Above\nall else, it is our sacred duty to preserve\nthe past exactly as it was.\n\n[Enter Fry in his own clothes.]\n\nFRY\nWell, I killed my grandfather.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha?\n\nLEELA\nWait. If you killed your grandfather\nthen why do you stll exist?\n\nFRY\nI dunno. Maybe God loves me.\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\n[Cut to: Phone. Mildred is talking to someone.]\n\nMILDRED\nKilled? In an atomic blast? No sir,\nI'm afraid I don't take much solace\nin the fact that the implosion trigger\nfunctioned perfectly\n\n[She hangs up and cries. Fry comes up behind her and puts his\nhand on her shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nAww. There there. If it makes you feel\nany better, his body was vapourised\nso there's no chance of him coming back\nas a zombie.\n\nMILDRED (CRYING)\nI'm not worried about that.\n\nFRY\nThen you're a braver woman than I.\n\nMILDRED\nYou remind me of Enos. Would you mind\nwalking me home?\n\nFRY\nUh, how far is it?\n\n[Airbase Runway. A plane lands and a crate of canned eggs is\nunloaded. President Truman kicks it open and emerges from it.]\n\nGENERAL\nWelcome to Roswell President Truman.\n\nTRUMAN\nFellas, this visit's top secret. No\none's to know about it, except the senior\nofficers, the scientists and a single\nconspiracy nutter no one will believe.\n\n[A man with a camera nods, laughs and takes a photo.]\n\n[Airbase Hangar. Dusk has fallen and the men enter the hangar.]\n\nGENERAL\nMr President, our men have assembled\nthe parts of the alien ship into it's\noriginal design.\n\n[Bender's body is now shaped like a flying saucer. A hatch opens\nand a beer bottle falls out. The men gasp.]\n\nTRUMAN\nWhistling Dixie! I want this sent to\nArea 51 for study.\n\nGENERAL\nBut sir, that's where we're building\nthe fake moon landing set.\n\nTRUMAN\nThen we'll really have to land on the\nmoon. Invent NASA and tell them to get\noff their fanny's!\n\n[Room. Zoidberg is tied to a chair. Truman sits opposite him\nwith the General and other man behind him.]\n\nTRUMAN\nIf you come in peace, surrender or be\ndestroyed. If you're here to make war,\nwe surrender.\n\nZOIDBERG\nBoth good, the important thing is I'm\nmeeting new people.\n\nTRUMAN\nBushwa! Now what's your mission? Are\nyou planning on making some sort of\nalien-human hybrid?\n\nZOIDBERG\nAre you coming onto me?\n\nTRUMAN\nHot crackers I take exception to that!\n\nZOIDBERG (SEXFULLY)\nI'm not hearing a no.\n\n[Truman stand up.]\n\nTRUMAN\nNuts to this space crap! If we want\ninformation, we'll have to do us an\nold fashioned alien autopsy!\n\n[A man holds a saw up bhind Zoidberg. Zoidberg turns around.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray!\n\n[Mildred's House. She pours a drink for her and Fry.]\n\nMILDRED (CRYING)\nEvery little thing reminds me of Enos.\n\n[She looks at a picture of a mushroom cloud and cries more.]\n\nFRY\nAww I know how you feel. My grandfather\ndied recently.\n\nMILDRED\nIt's all so sad. At times like this,\nI just need someone to hold me. Mmm.\nYou like holding me don't you?\n\n[Fry shakes and stands up.]\n\nFRY\nHey, you know what always cheers you\nup? Baking me a nice tray of sugar cookies!\n\nMILDRED\nHow 'bout these cookies sugar?\n\n[She rips her dress open. Fry jumps with shock and throws his\nglass across the room.]\n\nFRY\nI shouldn't be here. I shouldn't even\nexist. But I do which proves...you can't\nreally be my grandm -\n\n[Mildred kisses him and they fall onto the couch.]\n\n[Mildred's Bedroom. The next morning Fry and Mildred are in bed.\nFry is still asleep. Farnsworth, Leela and Bender peer through\nthe window and are disgusted.]\n\nLEELA [FROM OUTSIDE]\nEurgh!\n\n[Leela taps on the glass and Fry wakes up, drowsy.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside. Fry opens the window and pokes his head out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat the hell have you done Fry?\n\nFRY\nRelax! She can't be my grandmother!\nI figured it all out.\n\n[Cut to: Mildred's Bedroom.]\n\n[Fry turns around. Mildred is wearing glasses and in knitting.\nHer voice is drier.]\n\nMILDRED\nCome back to bed deary!\n\n[Fry screams.]\n\nFRY\nIt's impossible! I mean, if she's my\ngrandmother, who's my grandfather?\n\n[Fry screams and runs back and forth. Mildred pours some tea.\nShe is wearing a shawl.]\n\nMILDRED\nDid you say something deary? I'm a bit\nhard of hearing.\n\n[She puts a thing to her ear and Fry scream again.]\n\n[Airbase Building. In a medical room, doctors have opened up\nZoidberg and are looking inside. One doctor dictates what he\nis doing into a microphone.]\n\n[Zoidberg grabs the microphone.]\n\n[The doctor takes the microphone back. Another pulls out one\nof Zoidberg's organs.]\n\nDOCTOR #2\nHeart.\n\nZOIDBERG\nTake, I've got four of them.\n\nDOCTOR #1\nStomach contents: One deviled egg.\n\n[He puts it in a kidney bowl.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDeviled egg?\n\n[He eats it. The doctor pulls it out again.]\n\nDOCTOR #1\nThe same deviled egg.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Fry screams and blubbers in shock. Leela slaps\nhim.]\n\nLEELA\nSnap out of it!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nStart the ship Leela. Let's just steal\nthe damned radar dish and get back to\nour own time!\n\nFRY\nBut...but won't that change history?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh a lesson in not changing history\nfrom Mr I'm-My-Own-Grandpa! Let's get\nthe hell out of here already! Screw\nhistory!\n\n[Desert. The ship flies towards the airbase.]\n\n[Cut to: Airbase. The torpedo hatch opens and fires a missile\nwith Roswell That Ends Well written on it and a picture of Zoidberg.\nIt hits something and explodes. Soldiers run around screaming.\nThe ship shoots at buildings, cuts through telephone wires, shoots\nat a water tower. The conspiracy photographer holds his camera\nup.]\n\nCONSPIRACY NUTTER\nUFO! UFO!\n\n[The ship turns around and he takes a photo. The developed photo\nturns into the famed picture of the Lock Ness Monster.]\n\n[Airbase Building. A doctor is sawing Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHey don't cut that! I need that to speak!\n\n[The doctor looks at the other doctor then cuts faster. The ceiling\nbreaks open and Fry and Leela drop in with jetpacks.]\n\nDOCTOR #2\nOh my!\n\nTRUMAN\nSweet Roosevelt's ghost!\n\n[Leela kicks the doctor.]\n\nLEELA\nHeyya! Ya! Ya!\n\n[Fry pulls some organs out of Zoidberg and throws them at Truman.]\n\nFRY\nTake this Mr President, sir!\n\n[He throws another organ and it hits Truman in the face.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe President is gagging on my gas bladder!\nWhat an honour!\n\n[Airbase Hangar. Bender's body is still on the table in the shape\nof a flying saucer. The wall explodes. Farnsworth, asleep, is\nsitting in a flying chair with guns attached. He wakes up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHuh wha? Oh right!\n\n[He moves the chair forward, pciks Bender's body up with his\nfeet and reverses.]\n\n[Cut to: Airbase. Tanks shoot at the ship. The cargo bay door\nopens and the magnetic winch comes out and grabs the radar dish.\nIt rips off the roof of the building. Inside the Sergeant is\neating his lunch from the toilet.]\n\nSERGEANT (SHOUTING)\nEnos!\n\nFRY [FROM SHIP]\nHe's dead, sorry.\n\n[The ship flies away. Planes shoot at it. The ship flies into\nthe hangar and blasts out of the roof. It quickly gains height.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Zoidberg, Farnsworth, Bender and Fry\nlook out of the doors and cheer. Leela appears on the screen\nfrom the cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nYay!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nChoke on that causality!\n\nBENDER\n1947 can kiss my shiny metal...\n\n[His head falls out of the door and tumbles back to Earth. He\nscreams on the way down.]\n\nFRY\nTurn around. We've gotta go back for\nBender!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nImpossible. The supernova timehole is\nclosing! If we don't leave now, we'll\nnever get back to the 31st century!\n\n[He turns the microwave dish on and it shoots a bolt of energy\nat some popcorn. The room turns blue.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship.]\n\nFRY [FROM INSIDE]\nBendeeeeer!\n\n[The ship vanishes into the timehole.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg finishes taping up his\nwound.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere, good as new!\n\n[Leela holds up and organ.]\n\nLEELA\nDon't you need this one?\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh no! That's my... Gotcha!\n\n[Leela, not impressed, tosses the organ over her shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nOh, poor Bender. He must be so lonely\nright now. Trapped a thousand years\nin the past. Hey! Wait a second!\n\n[Desert. The ship lands in present day New Mexico outside the\nruins of the Roswell Airbase. Fry searches the area with a metal\ndetector.]\n\nLEELA\nAnything?\n\nFRY\nNo. Wait!\n\n[Leela slams her spade into the ground and it hits Bender's head.]\n\nBENDER [FROM GROUND]\nOw! Stupid junk!\n\nFRY\nHe's alive! Bender. What was it like\nlying in that hole for a thousand years?\n\nBENDER\nI was enjoying it until you guys showed\nup.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, now everything is back as it was.\nAnd if history doesn't care that out\ndegenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather,\nthen who are we to judge?\n\n[Leela rejoins Bender's head with his body which is still shaped\nlike a spaceship.]\n\nBENDER\nAmen!\n\n[He lifts off. Fry, Bender, Leela and Farnsworth walk back to\nthe ship.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Tale-Of-Two-Santas.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 402\n\n\"A TALE OF TWO SANTAS\"\n\nBy\n\nBill Odenkirk\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Performed Entirely By\nSock Puppets.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Bender sit on the couch\nwatching TV.]\n\nLINDA\nIn what has become a winter tradition,\nmembers of the Zarlon 7 Polar Bear Club\ntoday took the plunge into a river of\nliquid ammonia.\n\n[The TV shows people jumping in.]\n\nMORBO\nThere were no survivors.\n\n[Linda chuckles.]\n\nLINDA\nTakes all kinds! And now, with his\nannual Xmas Message, here's the head\nof the Xmas Safety Council, the head\nof Walter Cronkite.\n\nCRONKITE\nSeasons warnings, Linda and Morbo.\n\nBENDER\nThis guy's too trustworthy. What's his\nangle?\n\nCRONKITE\nIn all the tinsel and terror of the\nholiday season we too often underestimate\nthat murderous brute better known as\nSanta Claus. With images of last year's\ngingerbread massacre freshly baked into\nour memories, I remind you to bolt your\ndoors, say goodbye to your pets and\nlock your children in the closet. This\nis Walter Cronkite saying \"I told you\nso\".\n\n[Some wood appears over the TV. Hermes is boarding it up.]\n\nHERMES\nSacred ball of West and Eastern Samoa.\nWe've got to secure for Santa's arrival.\n\n[Fry presses the remote.]\n\nFRY\nJust as well. I'm getting tired of this\nwood show.\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room. Fry, Bender and Leela are struggling\nto get the armour-plated chimney cover over the chimney. Farnsworth\nwalks in and shakes his fists.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCover that fireplace, confound you!\nI've only a few years to live. I don't\nwanna spend them dead.\n\nLEELA\nWe're pushing as hard as we can.\n\nBENDER\nOh! Pushing!\n\n[He pushes it the other way and hurls Fry and Leela over the\ntop. Farnsworth sits down.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, we're doomed! Every year we're doomed.\nThanks be I had these bullet-proof shutters\ninstalled.\n\n[He flips up the arm of the chair and presses a button.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Grey armour covers the building\nand knocks Amy off a ladder. She screams. A neon light on the\nhangar roof spells \"Trespassers Will Be Shot\" and Deck The Halls\nWith Boughs Of Holly plays.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBring it on, Santa! That bloodthirsty\ncadaver junkie can't touch us as long\nas we're not stupid enough to leave\nthis building.\n\nFRY\nAlright!\n\nLEELA\nYeah!\n\n[Bender breathes a sigh of relief.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIn a related matter, you'll be delivering\nthis sack of children's letters directly\nto Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.\n\n[Fry, Leela and Bender look shocked.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off and gets one of the\nlanding legs stuck in the hangar roof. It pulls it free and flies\naway.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Leela and Bender are rummaging through\nthe sack.]\n\nFRY\nThese letters are real butt-nutters!\nListen to this one: (reading) Dear\nSanta.\n\n[Cut to: Girl's Bedroom.]\n\nGIRL\n(thinking and writing) Please, please\ndon't bring me any gifts. The bicycle\nyou fired at me last year from your\nbicycle gun really tore up my insides.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nAwful! Let's read some more. (reading)\nDear Santa.\n\n[Cut to: Boy's Bedroom.]\n\nBOY\n(thinking and writing) Please bring\nme a coffin for Grandpa. You choked\nhim with a chestnut last year and he's\nbeginning to smell a lot like Xmas if\nyou know what I mean.\n\n[A stiff corpse sits in a rocking chair by a window.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nIt's not fair. In my day Xmas was supposed\nto bring people together, not blow them\napart!\n\nBENDER\nSure, but who's going to do anything\nabout it? Certainly not us. No, sir!\n\nFRY\nCertainly yes us! Uh-huh, sir! We've\ngotta bring back the kind of Xmas I\nremember.\n\nLEELA\nFry's right. It's time to sit on Santa's\nlap -- and hard!\n\n[Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside a little town called\nJolly Junction at the north pole. There is a the sound of gunfire\nand barking dogs. The cargo bay lift comes down with Fry, Leela,\nBender and the sack of letters. Leela sees something.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, look! A cute little welcoming party.\n\n[Neptunians walk towards them holding hands.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #1\nHey! Wanna buy a tiny little kidney?\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nI'll let you punch me for a buck.\n\nFRY\nUh, look, we've got mail for Santa.\nAre you his elves?\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nWe're not elves. We're Neptunians.\n\nNEPTUNIAN #1\nWe're just shrimp-y because he doesn't\nfeed us.\n\n[Neptunian #2 grabs Fry's hand and slaps himself with it.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nYou hit me! You owe me a dollar.\n\n[Jolly Junction. Neptunians are beating each other up and smashing\nbottles over each other's heads. Bender drags the sack down the\nicy street. Two Neptunians shout from in a house.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #3\nHey, you got any food? Old teabags,\nchewed gum, apple cores? Come on! We're\nstarving here!\n\nFRY\nBut you live in a gingerbread house.\n\nNEPTUNIAN #4\nHey! It's food or shelter, not both.\n\nBENDER\nYou lazy runts! Don't you get paid for\nmaking the toys?\n\nNEPTUNIAN #4\nWho said \"toys\"?\n\n[All over the street Neptunians stop and look at Bender.]\n\nNEPTUNIANS\nToys? Toys? Who said \"toys\"?\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nFalse alarm, folks! There's no reason\nto make toys since Santa judges everyone\nto be naughty.\n\n[He points at the toy factory. It has a sign on it reading \"Toy\nWorks Closed. Coming Soon: Crackhouse\".]\n\nFRY\nThat's it! I'm gonna deliver a gift\nof my boot up Santa's chimney. Where\nis he?\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nThere! In his ice fortress.\n\n[He points up a mountain. The fortress is at the top and lightning\nflashes around it.]\n\nLEELA\nWe'll need help getting in. Any volunteers?\n\n[None of the Neptunians raise their hand.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #1\nI'll help you!\n\n[Neptunian #2 sees Neptunian #1 has raised both of their hands.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nAh, phooey!\n\n[Outside Ice Fortress. The Neptunians carry the sack of letters\nup the winding track in a wheelbarrow. They pass a cardboard\nSanta with his arm stretched out like at an amusement park. He\nholds a sign reading \"If You Are Taller Than This Prepare To\nDie\". A circular saw comes out of the hand and cuts their hats\noff. They pass some dogs who bark Jingle Bells at them. A bird\nlands on the electric fence and gets sizzled. Neptunian #2 picks\nit up.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nAn omen?\n\nNEPTUNIAN #1\nDinner!\n\n[He takes it and puts it down his trousers.]\n\n[Ice Fortress. Santa sits in a chair at an enormous screen. He\nlaughs maniacally.]\n\nSANTA\nLet's see who's been naughty, and who's\nbeen naughty! Mobsters beating up a\nshopkeeper for protection money. Very\nnaughty! Shopkeeper's not paying their\nprotection money. Exactly as naughty!\nI saw that! Huh?\n\n[He turns around and sees the Neptunians bring in the wheelbarrow.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nWe brought your mail.\n\nSANTA\nDon't you ever knock? Who knows what\nnaughty things I could be watching?\nI get New Orleans on this thing, you\nknow!\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nDon't kill us!\n\n[They run off. The sack rustles. Inside are Fry, Leela and Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nSanta's a robot, so we should be able\nto destroy him with a logical paradox.\nBender, you'd better cover your ears.\n\n[She tears open the bag and they leap out. Santa's eyes turn\nevil.]\n\nSANTA\nHoly night! Intruders!\n\n[He picks up a missile launcher and aims it at Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nHold it Santa! Consider this: You are\nprogrammed to destroy the naughty. But\nmany of those you destroy are in fact,\nnice. I submit to you, that you are\nnaughty, and logically, you must destroy\nyourself.\n\n[Sparks come from Santa's neck. He jitters and his head explodes.\nFry and Leela cheer but he immediately grows a new head.]\n\nSANTA\nNice try. But my head was built with\nparadox-absorbing crumple-zones.\n\n[He raises the missile launcher again. Leela and Fry duck out\nthe way. He aims it at Bender who is still covering his ears.\nHe sees Santa and runs off. They run down a corridor and Santa\nshoots missiles at them. They duck into an elevator and a missile\nwedges itself in the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Elevator. The crew are huddled in a corner. Leela frantically\npresses the down button. The elevator goes down and cuts off\nthe top of the missile. It bleeps on the floor. The crew scream.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ice Fortress. Fry and Bender run out followed\nby Leela who is carrying the warhead.]\n\nLEELA\nWait! This is what we're running from!\n\n[She tosses the warhead back into the elevator. They get on a\nsled but it doesn't move.]\n\nFRY\nFaster! Faster!\n\n[The bomb explodes and propels the sled down the track. Sentry\ntowers shoot at them and the Santa cut-out sticks out its circular\nsaw.]\n\n[Cut to: Jolly Junction. The Neptunians are cooking their bird\non a spit. The sled slides past and sprays snow over the fire.\nThey speed on round a corner and hit the steps of the ship. They\nget off and run inside.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone sits down and Leela presses\nsome buttons. The engines start but the ship just shakes.]\n\nFRY\nWhy aren't we moving?\n\n[Leela presses some more buttons and throws the wheel about.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't know. Usually when I do stuff\nlike this the ship moves.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. Santa is holding the ship by its engines,\nstopping it from moving.]\n\nSANTA\nHo ho-- Eh?\n\n[He looks down. The radiation from the ships engines begins to\nmelt the snow and ice beneath him and he sinks. He lets go of\nthe ship and it lands again. The ice solidifies around him and\nthe Neptunians and crew gather around.]\n\nFRY\nHe's trapped!\n\n[The Neptunians cheer. One runs forward and kicks him.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nNow we can make toys again!\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(chanting) Toys! Toys! Toys!\n\nFRY\nAnd I can deliver them. Billions and\nbillions in one night.\n\n[He takes Santa's hat and puts it on.]\n\nSANTA\nHah! No human could do all that.\n\nFRY\nEvil Knievel could!\n\nSANTA\nNuh-uh!\n\nBENDER\nSanta's right. We need some sort of\nrobot. Aw, crap! I'm some sort of robot.\n\n[Fry puts his hat on Bender's head. The Neptunians throw their\nhats in the air.]\n\nNEPTUNIANS\nHooray! Hooray! Hooray!\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nSANTA\nBender can't be Santa! He wasn't built\nto Yuletide specifications.\n\nBENDER\nOh, yeah? Well I wasn't built to steal\nLeela's purse either. But that didn't\nstop me.\n\nLEELA\nBender!\n\n[She takes it from him. Bender turns to the Neptunians.]\n\nBENDER\nBow to your new Santa!\n\nNEPTUNIANS\nOur hero!\n\n[Jolly Junction. The Neptunians sing and they skip towards the\nToyworks.]\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(singing) We are free and fairly sober,\n\nWith so many toys to build.\n\n[Cut to: Toyworks.]\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(singing) The machines are kinda tricky,\n\nProbably someone will be killed,\n\nBut we gladly work for nothing--\n\nFRY\n(singing) Which is good because we don't\nintend to pay.\n\nALL\n(singing) The elves are back to work\ntoday!\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(singing) Hooray!\n\n[They saw logs and they go down a conveyor belt.]\n\nWe have just a couple hours,\n\nTo make several billion gifts,\n\n[A Neptunian boxes some toys. Another adds the polystyrene S's.]\n\nAnd the labour isn't easy--\n\nLEELA\n(singing) Then you'll all work triple\nshifts,\n\nYou can make the job go quicker if you turn up the controls to\nsuper-speed.\n\n[She turns a dial to Lucy.]\n\nFRY LEELA AND BENDER\n(singing) It's back to work on Xmas\nEve!\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(cheering) Hooray!\n\nLEELA\n(singing) And though you're cold and\nsore and ugly,\n\nFry (singing) Let my happy smile warm your hearts--\n\nNEPTUNIAN\n(singing) There's a toy lodged in my\nbrain!\n\n[There is a train in his head. Bender sits on the conveyor belt\nbeing sprayed Santa red by the Neptunians.]\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(singing) We are getting awfully tired,\n\nAnd we can't work any faster,\n\nAnd we're very, very sorry--\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Why you selfish little bastards,\n\nDo you want the kids to think that Santa's just a crummy, empty-handed\njerk?\n\n[He kicks a Neptunian.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN\nOw!\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Then shut your yaps and back\nto work.\n\n[Outside Toyworks. It is night. Santa's sleigh is being loaded\nwith presents.]\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(singing) Now it's very nearly Xmas,\n\nAnd we've done the best we could,\n\nFRY\n(singing) These toys soldiers are poorly\npainted,\n\nLEELA\n(singing) And they're made from inferior\nwood.\n\n[She snaps the soldier in half.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) I should give you all a beating,\n\nBut I really have to fly,\n\n[Santa is still stuck in the ice.]\n\nSANTA\n(singing) If I weren't stuck here frozen,\n\nI'd harpoon you in the eye,\n\nNEPTUNIANS\n(singing) Now its back into our tenements,\n\nTo drown ourselves in rye,\n\nLEELA\n(singing) You did the best you could,\nbr>I guess that some of these gorillas\nare OK,\n\n[The Neptunians cheer.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN\nWe're adequate!\n\nALL\n(singing) The elves have rescued Xmas\nDay! Hooray!\n\n[Bender flies overhead and around Santa's fortress. Some presents\nfall out of the sleigh and the fortress defences shoot them.]\n\n[He flies towards Earth and over the streets of New New York.\nA snowman in the street is wearing a helmet and holding a gun\nwith a bayonet.]\n\n[Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender throws the sack over his shoulder.\nHe sees bars on the chimney.]\n\nBENDER\n(stupid voice) Duh! Gee, Bender, how\nyou gonna get through these bars? (normal\nvoice) I dunno, moron, suppose I bend\nthem? (stupid voice) Duh, OK!\n\n[He bends them.]\n\n[Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Lounge. Bender falls into the fireplace.\nThe family are hidden behind a couch.]\n\nGIRL\nMommy! Mommy! Santa's through the perimeter!\n\nMRS. GRANT\nThis is it, kids. Take your suicide\npills so you won't suffer.\n\nBENDER\nNo, wait! I'm the good Santa. I've got\ntoys ... at very reasonable prices!\n\nJEFFERY\nDon't listen to him. He's the father\nof all lies and the uncle of all tricks!\n\nBENDER\nBut I come bearing Tri-ominos!\n\n[Mrs. Grant stands up and raises a crowbar.]\n\nMRS. GRANT\nGo for the shins!\n\n[Bender runs back into the fireplace and scrambles up the chimney.\nThe family hit him with metal objects and he cries out in pain.]\n\n[Cut to: Jeffery Grant's Rooftop. Bender emerges from the chimney\nwith his legs completely battered. He crawls into the sleigh.]\n\nBENDER\n(groaning) One down...\n\n[Bender lands on another roof and climbs down the chimney.]\n\n[Cut to: Petunia's Lounge. The room is dark. lights go on and\nPetunia stands in the doorway in her nightie.]\n\nPETUNIA\nWell, hello there, handsome! Won't\nyou have a cookie?\n\nBENDER\nUh, don't mind if I do. Ow! What's\nin these things?\n\nPETUNIA\nWhy don't you slip into something more\nfiery?\n\n[She blasts him with a flamethrower and he screams.]\n\n[Cut to: Petunia's Rooftop. Bender flies out of the chimney and\nlands in a charred heap. His sack lands on him.]\n\nBENDER\nOw!\n\n[Bender flies the sleigh through the sky. The Kwanzaabot flies\nalongside.]\n\nKWANZAABOT\nYo, Kringle! What happened to you, doll?\n\nBENDER\nOh, it's awful, Kwanzabot. Everyone\nhates me.\n\nKWANZAABOT\nAt least they understand you, you know\nwhat I'm sayin'? Ain't nobody down with\nthis Kwanza tip.\n\nBENDER\nHey! Maybe you could lend me a hand\nwith these deliveries.\n\n[Kwanzaabot makes a noise like a \"no\" buzzer.]\n\nKWANZAABOT\nNo time! I gotta hand out the traditional\nKwanzaa book. I've been givin' these\nout for 647 years!\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room. Amy flies up to the top of the Xmas\ntree and sprays lights from a can onto it. Leela puts candy canes\non a bush. Nibbler emerges from it and eats them. Fry and Hermes\nstand by a bathtub of what looks like eggnog.]\n\nFRY\nAh! Bathtub eggnog! Just the way Grandma\nused to drink. Ew! It went sour!\n\n[Zoidberg sits up in the bath.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCan't I have a scented bath in peace?\n\n[He scrubs his back with a brush.]\n\nLEELA\nRemember, Professor: Bender is Santa.\nSo we don't need to hurt him, right?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken\nmp3!\n\n[Bender lands in thr fireplace.]\n\nBENDER\nHo ho-- Ow!\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Professor! Don't you remember\nwhat I told you?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) No!\n\n[He shoots Bender again.]\n\n[Planet Express Roof. Bender sits on the roof of the dome and\nunrolls his list of presents. He crosses off Farnsworth's name.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Oh, there's gotta be a better\nway.\n\n[Cut to: New New York City Street. Bender walks past a Toys For\nTots bin and empties the sack of presents into the sewer.]\n\nBENDER\nBender you're a genius!\n\n[Vyolet stands under the sewer grate waving a Barbie.]\n\nVYOLET\nThis creates and unrealistic standard\nof beauty!\n\n[She snorts.]\n\n[Cut to: Alleyway. Bender is sat leaning against a dumpster holding\na bottle of beer.]\n\nBENDER\nNow it's time for Santa to screw open\nhis present!\n\n[He opens the bottle and drinks the beer. From the end of the\nalleyway Smitty and URL watch.]\n\nSMITTY\nIt's Santa! And we got him cornered!\n\nURL\nAw, I smell a juicy promotion for me.\n\nSMITTY\nAnd a juicy re-hiring-back-onto-the-force\nfor me!\n\n[They shine a light at Bender.]\n\n[Newspaper Headline: \"Suspect Nabbed In Santa Case. Chanukah\nZombie Still At Large\".]\n\n[Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The courtroom is packed\nwith people for Bender's trial.]\n\nBAILIFF\nThis Xmas Day session of court will\ncome to order. The Honourable Judge\nWhitey presiding.\n\n[Whitey takes his seat and bangs his gavel.]\n\nWHITEY\nSanta Claus, you stand accused of crimes\nagainst humanity. How do you plead?\n\nBENDER\nNot Santa!\n\n[Farnsworth stands up and points at Bender.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere he is again!\n\n[He shoots Bender in the back.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken Lawyer questions the witness,\na little girl.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nNow, Pramala, I know it's scary in that\nthere witness box but t'ain't no need\nto fear me. I'm sorry, I thought you\nwas corn. Now, would you please point\nat that robot over there. No further\nquestions. Daddy done good, huh?\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender cross-examines the girl.]\n\nBENDER\nIsn't it true that you have been paid\nfor your testimony?\n\nPRAMALA\nYes. You gave me a dollar and some candy.\n\nBENDER\nAnd yet you haven't said what I told\nyou to say. How can any of us trust\nyou?\n\n[Pramala bursts into tears.]\n\nWHITEY\nQuit badgering the witness!\n\n[The Hyper-Chicken jumps up.]\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nBadger? Where?\n\n[He clucks around in a mad panic. Whitey bangs his gavel.]\n\nWHITEY\nWhereas I have a ham dinner with mayonnaise\nwaiting for me at my mansion, I find\nthe defendant guilty. Santa Claus,\nI hereby sentence you to be executed\nat sundown.\n\n[He bangs his gavel. Bender is shocked. Smitty and URL lead him\naway.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's not fair. I just hope that dumb\nchicken is ashamed of himself.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. The Hyper-Chicken\nis on the roof, crowing.]\n\n[Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Smitty and URL lead Bender into\nthe cells. They are followed by Mayor Poopenmeyer and the Preacherbot.]\n\nSMITTY\nDeactivated robot walking. We got a\ndeactivated robot walking here.\n\n[A robot leans through his cell bars and stops them.]\n\nROBOT\nHey, Santa, when you see the Robot Devil,\ntell him I'm-a comin'!\n\n[They past the next cell. The Robot Devil is inside.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, that guy said to tell you that--\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nI heard him!\n\n[Neptune Surface. The ship lands outside Jolly Junction. The\nsteps squash a Jack-in-the-Box and it plays Pop Goes The Weasel.\nFry and Leela are greeted by the Neptunians, now wearing summer\ngear.]\n\nNEPTUNIAN #1\nGreetings, masters. My companion and\nI made lots of toys.\n\n[Leela pushes him aside.]\n\nLEELA\nOutta my way, shrimp-oh. We're here\nto bring Santa back so we can prove\nBender's innocent.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela cuts through the ice around Santa with a chainsaw.]\n\nSANTA\nDo what you will. But we'll see who\nhas the last ho.\n\n[Fry, Leela and the Neptunians use planks and candy canes to\nlift Santa out of the ground in one solid block of ice.]\n\nLEELA\nThere.\n\n[The ice starts to melt.]\n\nFRY\nOh, no! The ice is melting!\n\nLEELA\nThe pollution from the factory. It caused\na greenhouse effect.\n\nNEPTUNIAN #1\nThat would explain this heat.\n\nFRY\nAnd your breezy short-shorts!\n\nNEPTUNIAN #2\nUh, yeah! That would explain it.\n\n[Santa breaks through the melting ice. Everyone screams and runs.\nFry and Leela run into the Toyworks.]\n\n[Cut to: Toyworks. Neptunians are making toys. Santa runs in,\nshooting a laser and the elves run. Fry and Leela scream and\njump onto the conveyor belt and over toy soldiers like hurdles.\nSanta follows, still shooting. Fry and Leela jump off the end\nof the conveyor belt. Leela turns one of the soldiers bayonets\nupwards and it impales Santa. He groans.]\n\n[Cut to: Neptune Surface. Fry and Leela run up the steps.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Leela powers up the ship and it takes\noff and tears away from Neptune.]\n\nFRY\nHurry! We've gotta think of another\nway to save Bender or Xmas will be ruined!\n\nLEELA\nEspecially for Bender.\n\n[Santa is crouching on the roof of the ship.]\n\nSANTA\nLook out, Earth. I'm dreaming of a red\nXmas.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Stattica Robot Penitentiary. Bender is being strapped to a table\nfor his execution by Magnexecutioner. He is moved forward between\ntwo giant magnets.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nAh, good old Maggie! Eh? When I pull\nthis switch, these powerful electromagnets\nwill tear you limb-from-limb, killing\nyou in the most humane possible manner.\n\nBENDER\nBut, Mr. Mayor, that doesn't sound humane.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nIt is for the witnesses because it's\nnot boring! The instant this random\nnumber generator reaches zero, you'll\nbe executed.\n\nBENDER\nAw!\n\n[Poopenmeyer presses a button. The generator starts displaying\nnumbers.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nTen. Three. Twelve. Three again.\n\n[Enter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nStop the execution!\n\nBENDER\nLeela!\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nFifteen. Negative eight.\n\nLEELA\nYou got the wrong Santa. And I'll prove\nit.\n\n[Fry walks in dressed in a Santa outfit.]\n\nFRY\nI'm Santa Claus!\n\n[The witnesses gasp.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nWhat? Twenty-seven.\n\n[Enter Hermes in a Santa outfit.]\n\nHERMES\nNo. I'm Santa Claus.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nSix.\n\n[Enter Amy and Farnsworth in Santa outfits.]\n\nAMY\n(disguised, deeper voice) We're also\nSanta Claus.\n\n[Enter Zoidberg dressed as Jesus, surrounded by a white light.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd I'm his friend Jesus!\n\nFRY\nYour Mayorness, if you execute him,\nyou have to execute all of us.\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nYou people aren't Santa. You're not\neven robots! Ninety-one. How dare you\nlie in front of Jesus! Hey! Zero!\n\n[He throws the switch and sends the electricity through the electromagnets.\nBender's arms and legs are pulled to them.]\n\nBENDER\nNo! Not the magnets! (singing) Swing\nlow, sweet chariot, coming for to carry\nme home. Swing low sweet--\n\nFRY\nThis is horrible.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut it's not boring!\n\n[Santa's sleigh crashes through the wall, knocking off one of\nthe electromagnets.]\n\nSANTA\nHo ho ho!\n\n[He shoots the other electromagnet off the wall. Everyone scatters\nexcept for Fry, Leela, Bender and Poopenmeyer. Fry and Leela\ndive behind some rubble.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nMy God! The real Santa! Get him, Jesus!\n\nZOIDBERG\nI help those who help themselves.\n\n[Santa shoots at him and he runs out. The sleigh lands.]\n\nBENDER\nSanta! You saved my life. Please don't\nkill me!\n\n[Santa laughs.]\n\nSANTA\nI'm not here to kill you, Bender! I\nneed you to help me save Xmas.\n\nBENDER\nGee whiz, Santa! You want me to help\nyou?\n\nFRY\nDon't do it! He's evil!\n\nSANTA\nI know he is but I have no choice. I'm\nrunning late and if I don't complete\nmy brutal rampage, well, it just wouldn't\nbe Xmas. I guess what I'm asking is:\nBender, won't you join my slaying tonight?\n\nBENDER\nWell ... 'tis the season!\n\n[Santa pulls him out of his constraints and puts him in the sleigh.\nHe climbs in and the sleigh flies off.]\n\n[New New York City Streets. Santa flies the sleigh down a street\nand Bender smashes lights with a blernsball bat. Then Santa shoots\na missile at a Stinky Stork's Diaper Service truck and it explodes,\nshowering people with diapers. Scruffy puts up an umbrella.]\n\nMAN\nMy hair!\n\nWOMAN\nMy wedding cake!\n\n[Santa and Bender laugh.]\n\nSANTA\nLet it snow!\n\n[They fly around a corner and Bender holds handfuls of toys.]\n\nBENDER\nMerry Xmas, kids!\n\n[He throws the toys through windows and walls. Santa shoots a\nbike at a little girl. Bender laughs.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Room. The staff and LaBarbara are sat\nin darkness. Outside, buildings burn and police car sirens wail.]\n\nLEELA\nThis wangs chun! After all the good\nwe tried to do, Xmas turned out as rotten\nas ever.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo heat.\n\nAMY\nNo power.\n\nHERMES\nHuddled together in fear like lice in\na burning wig.\n\n[He hugs LaBarbara. Zoidberg and Fry are also huddled together.]\n\nFRY\nWait a second! Maybe your futuristic\nXmas isn't so rotten after all.\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you talking about, you crouton?\nYou said it yourself: Xmas should be\nabout bringing people together, not\nblowing them apart.\n\nFRY\nBut don't you see? Fear has brought\nus together. That's the magic of Xmas!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's a big crock of-- Hold me!\n\n[Everyone huddles together.]\n\n[In the sky, Bender whips the reindeer.]\n\nBENDER\nOn, Trasher! On, Smasher! Hey, Kwanzaabot,\nwhere you off to?\n\nKWANZAABOT\nAh, you didn't hear about it? Chanukah\nZombie's having a luau at the B'nai\nBrith! You comin'?\n\nBENDER\nWord!\n\n[The Kwanzaabot flies off. Santa pulls out a present.]\n\nSANTA\nBy the way, Bender, here's a small token\nof my appreciation for being Santa while\nI was trapped in the ice.\n\n[Bender takes the gift and cheers. He opens it.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, chief, you screwed up. There's\nnothing in here.\n\nSANTA\nOh, it might appear empty but the message\nis clear: Play Santa again and I'll\nkill you next year! Ho ho ho!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Anthology-Of-Interest-II.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 403\n\n\"ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST II\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton, David X. Cohen, Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Hey TiVo! Suggest This!]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The Professor hits his What\nIf? machine with a hammer.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere. I've finished fine tuning my\nWhat If? machine. It can answer any\nWhat If? question, accurate to within\n1/10th of a plausibility unit.\n\nLEELA\nThat's so plausible I can't believe\nit!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWho wants the machine to show them an\nalternate reality?\n\n[Bender steps forward.]\n\nBENDER\nI wanna know what would happen if I\nwere human. I mean, being a robot's\ngreat but we don't have emotions and\nsometimes that makes me very sad.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh lordy loo! There he goes again. Well,\nlet's give baby what he wants. What\nif Bender were human?\n\n[He pulls a string.]\n\n[What If? Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped\nto a table with the crew gathered around him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone. I've discovered\na way to make Bender human using a process\nI call \"reverse fossilisation.\"\n\nLEELA\nHow does it work?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, in regular fossilisation, flesh\nand bone turn to minerals. Realising\nthat, it was a simple matter to reverse\nthe process. I've already tested it\nby turning the toaster into a racoon.\n\n[He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around a bit before two\nslices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.]\n\nFRY\nKinda gamey.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAre you ready Bender?\n\nBENDER\nI dunno. I'm beginning to have second\nthoughts -\n\n[Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity\nin a fashion resembling the countless Frankenstein films. He\nslowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...]\n\nHERMES\nCover your shame mon!\n\n[He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human\nBender walks off. Everyone gasps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt worked! Eat it everyone who never\nwon a Nobel Prize! And that includes\nyou Amy!\n\n[Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]\n\nBENDER\nSo this is the human body huh? Neat!\nHey, my antenna's gone. Nah it just\nmoved. I'm not getting good reception\non it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around\na little.\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nBender no! You'll make God cry.\n\nBENDER\nWell lets see what kind of things thing\nbody can do. Hey that's pretty fun.\nBeing human is great!\n\n[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray, its just like Mardis Gras!\n\n[What If? Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the\nmen's room.]\n\nBENDER\nGuy guys, you've gotta see this. You're\nnot gonna believe it!\n\nLEELA\nBender it's OK to be pround but don;t\nbe a show off.\n\n[Bender looks Amy up and down.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, you look a lot better than you\nused to for some reason.\n\nAMY (SEXFULLY)\nYou're not so bad yourself big boy.\n\n[She kisses him.]\n\nBENDER\nHey that felt great! Nah its not working\nanymore.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSpeak for yourself!\n\n[What If? O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender downs a glass of beer and lights\nup a cigar.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, this is awesome!\n\nLEELA\nBender you drank and smoked when you\nwere a robot.\n\nBENDER\nBut now its bad for me! Woo!\n\n[He picks up another glass. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the\nbar.]\n\nFRY\nSpeaking of which, try these nachos.\n\n[Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts\nscoffing the rest of them.]\n\nBENDER\nMmm, why didn't anyone tell me tasting\nthings tasted so good? What's going\non? That rhythm. Its doing something\nto my human butt.\n\n[He stands up and starts to dance still holding his beer, cigar\nand some nachos.]\n\nAMY\nBender, part of being human is having\nself control.\n\nBENDER\nOh my God I bet I can eat nachos and\ngo to the bathroom at the same time!\n\n[He picks up the box of nachos but everyone else restrains him.]\n\nAMY\nNo Bender.\n\nHERMES\nNo!\n\nLEELA\nStop him.\n\nBENDER\nLet me go.\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCome Bender, its time to go home and\nrest. I need you in top shape next week\nwhen I present you to the Nobel Prize\ncommittee. Bender?\n\n[Bender climbs out of a window.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. Bender runs down the street cheering.]\n\nBENDER (SHOUTING)\nGoodbye moderation!\n\n[What If? Bar. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with\na glass of beer and a hot dog.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin'\nDonuts.]\n\n[Time Lapse. He leaves a little while later with his arms around\ntwo girls.]\n\n[What If? Academy Of Science. A week later Farnsworth and the\nrest of the crew are at the Nobel Prize committee for the judging.\nFarnsworth is on the stage at a podium trying to buy some time\nwhile Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table together.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIs Bender still missing for a week?\nWhere is he already?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh as I've said before, I used reverse\nfossilisation, which is the reverse\nof regular, uh...\n\n[He wipes his brow. Fry pokes his head out from behind a curtain.]\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nPsst, we found him!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh, them without further stalling for\ntime, I present to the Nobel judges,\nthe first robot ever turned into a human.\n\n[The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans.\nThe scientists gasp.]\n\nWERNSTRUM\nMy God, he needs medical attention!\n\n[Zoidberg scans Bender.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nPulse...300, liver...failing, cholesterol...40?\n\nLEELA\nWell that's not so bad.\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo I mean 40 pounds!\n\n[Farnsworth continues but a little shaken.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis, uh, scientific breakthrough, uh,\nheralds a new dawn in human-robot relations\nyes.\n\n[Bender groans and looks at a woman.]\n\nBENDER\nC'mere and give old Bender a kiss.\nHey, you like grilled cheese?\n\n[He takes some grilled cheese out from under a roll of flab.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd, uh thats why I believe I deserve\nthe Nobel Prize.\n\nWERNSTRUM\nNot only do you not deserve a Nobel\nPrize for loosing this bloated man-ball\non the world but you are hereby kicked\nout of the Academy Of Science.\n\n[The scientists cheer and applaud.]\n\nBENDER\nWait. As men of science are not your\nminds open to new ideas? I say, do not\njudge me until you have tried my way\nof life for yourselves.\n\n[The scientists look at each other.]\n\nWERNSTRUM\nYoung man, you have opened our minds\nand swayed our hearts. Let us therefore\n-\n\nBENDER (SHOUTING)\nParty!\n\n[Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with\na keg and Amy and Hermes with food.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWeee!\n\n[Time Lapse. The druken scientists are asleep and sitting around\nin their underwear.]\n\nWERNSTRUM\nBender, you were right! Truly you have\nlived more in your one week of being\nhuman than the rest of us have in our\nentire lives.\n\nBENDER\nWoo!\n\nWERNSTRUM\nAnd so to recognise your achievements\nI hereby award you the Nobel Prize......in\nuh......chemistry!\n\n[Everyone applauds.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCare to say a few words Bender?\n\n[Bender doesn't. Fry moves his hand across Bender's eyes.]\n\nFRY\nHe's dead.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nWERNSTRUM\nWhen did he die?\n\n[Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAbout 12 hours ago when the party started.\n\nWERNSTRUM\nBut he just said \"Woo.\"\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. That was air escaping from the folds\nof his fat. Goodnight sweet prince.\nYou were the greatest man any of us\nwill ever know. Well lets get him out\nof here. He's starting to smell up the\njoint.\n\n[The rest of the crew roll Bender out and woos along the way.]\n\nNARRATOR\nYou watched it, you can't unwatch it.\nStay tuned for more Tales Of Interest!\n\n[The What If? Scenario ends.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWho else has a question for the What\nIf? machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor?\n\nFRY\nOoo I have one. I'm good at video games\nand bad at everything else. That's why\nI wish life were more like a video game.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCan you put that in the form of a question?\n\nFRY\nUh, What if that thing I said?\n\n[Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh great machine we beseech thee. What\nif life were more like a video game?\n\n[What If? A video game ship flies around shoots some asteroids\nlike in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Enter the crew, back from a\nmission. Farnsworth and Hermes are sat on the couch watching\nNixon in the TV.]\n\nNIXON [ON TV]\nGood evening ignorant pigs. Put down\nyour crack pipes and you beer bongs\nand pay attention as I sign a historic\npeace accord with Ambassador Kong of\nplanet Nintendu 64.\n\n[Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.]\n\nFRY\nWait a second, I know that monkey. His\nname is Donkey.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMonkies aren't donkies! Quit messing\nwith my head!\n\n[Cut to: UN Building.]\n\nNIXON\nI'll just put the old John Q. Nixon\non it. There. No major crap ups. You're\non Mr Ambassador! What the?\n\n[Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar goes flying.\nEveryone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof\nand the floors collapse like in Donkey Kong.]\n\n[Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands\nup.]\n\nMARIO\nMama Mia! The cruel meatball of war\nhas rolled onto our laps and ruined\nour white pants of peace!\n\n[He runs off.]\n\n[What If? MilAtari HQ. The crew and a miliatari guy walk down\na corridor.]\n\nMAN\nMr Fry rumour has it you know the secrets\nof the video game Chance. Please step\ninto the war room.\n\n[A message on the war room door tels them they need the blue\nkey to enter. The man holds up the blue key and the door opens.]\n\n[Cut to: War Room.]\n\nMAN\nYou'll be meeting with General Colin\nPac-man.\n\nPAC-MAN\nWakka wakka wakka wakka. Lets get down\nto business. What can you tell us about\nthe Nintendians?\n\nFRY\nWell sir, I spent all of ninth grade\nstudying them. Except for that day when\nmy eyeballs started to bleed. And in\nmy opinion.\n\n[A building outside explodes. Everyone gasps.]\n\nPAC-MAN\nQuickly, to the escape tunnels!\n\n[Everyone runs off wakka-wakka-ing.]\n\n[Cut to: Pac-man Screen.]\n\nPAC-MAN\nThis way damn it!\n\n[Zoidberg eats the pellet thingies.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmellows!\nOoo and a cherry!\n\n[He eats it and carries on running. He starts chasing Fry.]\n\nFRY\nHey watch out!\n\n[He eats him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh oh!\n\nLEELA\nOh my god, he ate Fry! Fry is dead!\n\n[Fry slides up behind them,]\n\nFRY\nIts OK, I had another guy!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\n[What If? Outside Planet Express. Everyone comes out of the end\nof the escape tunnel and are very tired.]\n\nPAC-MAN\nWakka...wakka wa...\n\n[Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixelated cherry, a pixelated\npretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them. Spaceships start\ndestroying buildings.]\n\nLEELA\nInvaders! Possibly from space!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens a window and pokes his\nhead out.]\n\nLRRR\nPeople of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet\nNintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our\nthree different kinds of ships!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]\n\nFRY\nAlright, its Saturday night. I have\nno date, a two litre bottle of Shasta,\nand my all Rush mix tape! Let's rock!\n\n[What If? Player's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening\nto Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship\nand attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.]\n\n[Cut to: Lrrr's Ship.]\n\nND-ND\nWe're losing ships sir. What are your\norders?\n\nLRRR\nIncrease speed, drop down and reverse\ndirection!\n\n[And they do.]\n\n[Cut to: Player's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]\n\nFRY\nI've still got a trick or two up my\nsleeve. Watch as I fire up through our\nown shields.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nHe's a madman! A madman!!\n\n[Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]\n\nPAC-MAN\nIt's working. Victory is ensured! My\nretirement tomorrow will be all the\nsweeter! I'm hit! So cold!\n\n[He folds over and dies. Enter Ms Pac-man crying.]\n\nMS PAC-MAN (CRYING)\nNo - wakka wakka!\n\nFRY\nAmy, tend to the widow pac-man.\n\n[Ms Pac-man cries and wakkas.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens the window.]\n\nLRRR\nDrop down and increase speed.\n\n[Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Player's Ship. Zoidberg looks up through the\nwindow.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOne ship is left only.\n\n[Cut to: Player's Ship. Everyone cheers.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on Fry get it!\n\nFRY [SWEATING]\nIt's moving too fast. Oh I could never\nget the last one. My brother always\ngot it for me!\n\n[Everyone screams.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. His ship cuts through Fry's shields.\nLrrr opens the window.]\n\nLRRR\nDrop down, reverse direction, prepare\nfor landing.\n\n[His ship lands. A caption appears. War Over. Congratulations\nEnter Initials. Fry enters \"ASS\" and chuckles.]\n\n[What If? Outside Planet Express. The crew are assembled outside\nLrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters\nget out along with Lrrr.]\n\nLRRR\nYou are defeated. Instead of shooting\nwhere I was you should have shot where\nI was going to be.\n\nBESERK\nAll your base are belong to us.\n\nFRY\nWhat do you monsters want?\n\nDONKEY KONG\nOne thing and one thing only. Quarters!\nA million allowances worth of quarters!\nNo slugs or tokens!\n\nBESERK\nFork 'em over! (different tone) Fork\n'em over!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nForget it you pixelated pirates. We\nneed those quarters to do our laundry.\n\nAMY\nYeah!\n\nBENDER\nRight on!\n\nLEELA\nSure thing Professor!\n\nLRRR\nBut, but space invaders need to do laundry\ntoo! I mean look at Donkey Kong here.\nHave you smelled his loincloth lately?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes.\n\nAMY\nGo away. We're not giving you our quarters\nno matter what.\n\nLRRR\nWell...then what if we throw our laundry\nin with yours? Would that be acceptable?\n\nFRY\nI guess so.\n\n[Lrrr takes off his cape.]\n\nLRRR\nOK then, that settles that. But if this\ncape shrinks, consider your species\nextinct!\n\nNARRATOR\nBravo! That'll be hard to top! I pity\nthe next Tale Of Interest!\n\n[The What If? Scenario ends.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, there's time for one last question.\nLet's turn to the Who Ask machine to\nsee who's next.\n\n[He turns the machine on.]\n\nWHO ASK MACHINE\nUm uh um...Amy. I mean Leela.\n\n[Amy groans.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, ahem. As an alien who was abandoned\non Earth, I've never really belonged\nanywhere.\n\nBENDER\nBoo hoo.\n\n[She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and\nhit Fry.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\n[Bender looks around for his eyes.]\n\nBENDER\nUh...where?\n\nLEELA\nSo my question is this: What if I found\nmy true home? Ow!\n\n[She falls over unconcious.]\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Dream. Everything is brown and white like in\nWizard Of Oz. Nibbler wakes up Leela who is dressed like Dorothy.\nLeela looks around. She is in the Planet Express ship.]\n\nLEELA\nWhere are we?\n\n[A tornado blows around the ship outside. Scruffy, the man witch,\nflies past on a broom. He laughs evily but then can't be bothered\nand flies away. The ship crash lands.]\n\n[Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its\nside.]\n\nLEELA\nNibbler, I don't think we're in New\nNew York anymore. Jeez, apparently\nthe phrase tone it down doesn't exist\non this planet. Oh no! We hit someone!\nQuick, back into the ships. Ooo, nice\nboots!\n\n[Nibbler sniffs them but recoils in horror. Enter Cubert, Dwight,\nTinny Tim, a gay Neptunian elf, a grunka-lunka and Glurmo all\ndressed in weird stuff.]\n\nCUBERT\nLook everyone! She killed the man-witch\nof the west!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nLEELA\nA witch? That explains how these boots\nmagically appeared on my feet.\n\nGLURMO\nNo, you stole them, we saw you.\n\nLEELA\nWell...its hard to find shoes that fit\nme. So anyway, who are you people? Haven't\nI seen you in some copyrighted movie?\n\nGLURMO (SINGING)\nWe resemble but are legally distinct\nfrom the lollipop guild, the lollipop\n-\n\n[Nibbler eats him. Enter Amy in a bubble.]\n\nAMY\nGreetings Leela, I'm The Cute With Of\nThe North!\n\nLEELA\nYeah, can anyone fix my ship so I can\nget home?\n\nAMY\nAbracaduh! Just ask the Professor! He\nlives in the Emerald Laboratory down\nMartin Luther King Boulevard.\n\nLEELA\nYou mean that yellow brick road?\n\nAMY\nThe city council renamed it in 1975.\n(sarcastic) Ooo those are great shoes!\n\nLEELA\nOh thank you.\n\nAMY\nDo they come in women's sizes?\n\n[Leela presses a button on her wristamajig and the steps come\nout of the ship and crush Amy.]\n\n[Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and\npasses a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands\non some corn.]\n\nFRY\nOK crow, prepare to be scared. And\nthen - honk honk - the car honked it's\nown horn!\n\nLEELA\nWow, a talking scarecrow. Wanna come\nwith us to see the Professor? He might\nbe able to give you a brain.\n\nFRY\nHey, that's not a nice thing to say.\n\nBENDER\nBeer. Beer.\n\nLEELA\nWhiskey OK?\n\n[She pours some into his mouth, he belches fire and sets fire\nto Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]\n\nBENDER\nNow did you say you were off to see\nthe Professor? 'Cause I could use a\nheart. A human heart. I need to pump\na lot of blood out of my basement.\n\n[Enter Zoidberg in a yellow cab.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd I'm the other guy. Courage. Not\nenough of it. Need some from whatshisname.\n\n[Time Lapse. They all skip down the yellow brick boulevard.]\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Castle. The evil witch Mom watches it on her TV.\nThe TV picture goes funny and she hits the TV repeatedly.]\n\nMOM\nDamn this DSL! Fly my stupids! Fly\nout and get them!\n\nIGNER\nBut Mom, you promised you'd make monkey\ncake today.\n\nMOM\nBy \"monkey cake\" I meant your ass.\n\n[She slaps them and they fly away.]\n\n[Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome are still\nskipping along.]\n\nFRY\nMan, we've been skipping for hours.\nI need to pull over and take the wiz.\n\n[Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat do I smell or something? Oh!\n\n[Mom's Castle.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy did you bring us here?\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd why did I have to take a cab?\n\nMOM\nI'll tell you why I brought you here\nyou twice baked barf bag. Because I've\nalways wanted a daughter to love. You\nwant to get adopted you little skank?\n\nLEELA\nAnd live here? And be a witch like you?\nYeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt\npeople and not just dance around at\nthe equinox.\n\nMOM\nAbsolutely.\n\nLEELA\nOh mommy, I found my true home!\n\n[They hug. Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]\n\nBENDER\nHooray!\n\nZOIDBERG\nAll right!\n\nFRY\nThat's great Leela.\n\nBENDER\nI've heard worse excuses to drink.\nOops.\n\n[Purple smoke starts to come from Mom.]\n\nMOM\nI'm melting! Who would have thought\na small amount of liquid would ever\nfall on me?\n\nBENDER\nWell, no point in letting her go to\nwaste.\n\n[He pulls a straw out of his chest cavity and starts drinking\nthe puddle of Mom.]\n\n[Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the\ngreen building which looks like the Planet Express building and\neveryone gets out. Leela knocks on the door. Hermes opens a peephole.]\n\nHERMES [FROM INSIDE]\nYes?\n\nLEELA\nWe're here to see the Professor.\n\nHERMES [FROM INSIDE]\nNo one sees the mighty Professor.\n\nLEELA\nOh for the love of Benji.\n\n[She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk\nin.]\n\n[Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head,\nstands behind a curtain.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI am the Professor. Great and...uh...forgetful!\nNow what do you nice kids want?\n\nZOIDBERG\nNothing, I'm leaving. But if you have\nextra courage I'd haul it away for you\nmaybe?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh blithery poop my cowardly lobster!\nYou don't need courage. Afterall, who\nneeds courage when you have a gun?\n\n[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he pretends to shoot it.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nNow world, you put your hands up!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd you lad, all you need is brain.\n\nFRY\nWhy does everyone keep saying that?\n\n[Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]\n\nBENDER\nThis is a stick up. Give me the bag\nold man!\n\n[Farnsworth chuckles.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHere you go my friend. 5000 Professor\nLand fun bucks!\n\nBENDER\nOh crap.\n\n[Farnsworth turns to Leela.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAs for you young lady, you want to go\nhome right?\n\nLEELA\nNo not anymore. I wanna stay here and\nbecome the new Wicked Witch.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNonsense. Now click your big honking\nboots together three times and wish\nto go home to Kansas, to live in poerty\nwith your dirt farming, teetotalling\naunt and uncle.\n\nLEELA\nUh, alright. Here I go. There's no\nplace like - I wanna be a witch! Oh\nno, help, what's happening?\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh sorry, I think there's a problem\nwith your upstairs toilet.\n\n[Leela melts some more.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket\nof water on her and she wakes up.]\n\nBENDER\nWake up!\n\n[Leela coughs and splutters.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, are you alright? You got wanged\non the head.\n\nLEELA\nI was having the most wonderful dream.\nExcept you were there and you were\nthere and you were there.\n\nFRY\nNever mind Professor, she came to.\n\n[Enter Farnsworth with a box marked Leela's Organs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, so close.\n\n[Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]\n\nHERMES\nThere's always next year Professor,\nthere's always next year.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Love-And-Rocket.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 404\n\n\"LOVE AND ROCKET\"\n\nBy\n\nDan Vebber\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: When You See The Robot, Drink!]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Bender argues with the ship at a port that looks\nlike the ports HAL 9000 used in 2001: A Space Oddysey. The ship\nspeaks with a male voice.]\n\nBENDER\nYou are one narrow minded spaceship\nPlanet Express Ship.\n\nSHIP\nWhoa whoa! Why should my tax money pay\nfor art I find offensive?\n\n[Bender flips through a book titled Art & You and holds up a\npage with a picture of a Horrible Gelatinous Blob.]\n\nBENDER\nWould you censor the Venus de Venus\njust because you can see her spewers?\n\nSHIP\nOh its filthy! Why not create a national\nendowment for strip clubs while we're\nat it?\n\nBENDER\nWhy not indeed!\n\nLEELA\nBender! Ship! Stop bickering or I'm\ngoing to come back there and change\nyour opinions manually!\n\nBENDER\nFine! I'll be in my quarters appreciating\ncontroversial artworks.\n\n[He leaves. The door closes on him and cuts his head off. It\nlands on the floor and rolls a little.]\n\nSHIP (SARCASTICALLY)\nOops! Sorry!\n\n[He chuckles.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.\nBender screws his head back on.]\n\nBENDER\nAh that ship is so white bread!\n\n[Enter Hermes and Farnsworth carrying several red boxes.]\n\nHERMES\nPeople! It's Valentines Day next week,\nso your beloved company has gotten you\nall new uniforms!\n\n[Everyone opens their boxes and reacts well to the uniforms.]\n\nAMY\nCool!\n\nZOIDBERG\nClothing, delicious clothing!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe'll need to look our best if we're\nto get the account of our new potential\ncustomer Romanticorp!\n\nAMY\nRomanticorp? Are they a corporation\nthat makes romantic stuff?\n\nHERMES\nVery good Amy!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEveryone suit up. We're off to the most\nromantic city on Earth!\n\n[Milwaukee. The ship flies in and lands in the Romanticorp factory.\nThe doors have lips painted on them and make kissy sounds when\nthey close.]\n\n[Cut to: Romanticorp Factory Entrance.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nRemember, we've got to show these people\nwe're not bitter husks of human beings\nwho long ago abandoned hope of finding\nlove in this lifetime. Leela you'll\nhave to do some acting.\n\nLEELA\nCheck!\n\n[Some doors open and a man and a woman, Sheldon and Gwen, walk\nin.]\n\nSHELDON\nWelcome, aww I'm just so excited! I'm\nSheldon and this is my chief financial\nofficer Gwen.\n\nGWEN\nFor 30 years we've shared the adventure\nof managing Romanticorp.\n\nSHELDON\nNot to mention the adventure of marriage!\n\n[They both laugh. Then they kiss again.]\n\nLEELA\nOh you have got to be kidding! Ow!\nOw! I mean, aww thats so sweet! Ow!\nI mean, (soppily) Aww dats show shweet!\n\n[Farnsworth nods.]\n\n[Romanticorp Factory Production Line. The crew and Sheldon and\nGwen are moving along a moving walkway.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou know, romance is an important part\nof our work too, uh right everyone?\n\n[The crew nod in agreement.]\n\nSHELDON\nDo any of you collect Lovey Bears?\n\nAMY\nI do! Kif's given me dozens! Is it true\nwhat the ad says? That you kiss them\ntogether out of blanket cloth and magic\nbuttons?\n\nGWEN\nNo.\n\nSHELDON\nIt's actually cheaper to genetically\nengineer real ones. They frolic in\nthe Lovey Forest until their first birthday\nthen we choose the cuddliest ugliest\nones and stuff them full of fire retardant\nlove fluff!\n\n[In the Lovey Forest, bears are picked up and put onto a conveyor\nbelt where they are delivered to the Bear \"Hospital\".]\n\nAMY (UNSURE)\nOh cute!\n\n[Romanticorp Factory Romance Acceleration Lab.]\n\nGWEN\nKnowing which pickup lines fizzle and\nwhich ones sizzle keeps us on the cutting\nedge of flirtation technology.\n\n[Two robot frames stand in front of a woman.]\n\nFRAME #1\nIs heaven missing an angel? 'Cause you've\ngot nice cans!\n\n[The woman is not impressed.]\n\nFRAME #2\nMy two favourite things are commitment\nand changing myself.\n\n[The woman is lovestruck and hugs the frame.]\n\nLEELA\nDoes that dummy have a brother?\n\n[Romanticorp Factory Candy Hearts Production.]\n\nSHELDON\nAnd now friends and lovers we come to\nthe heart of our operation. Pun definately\nintended!\n\n[He and Gwen laugh. Leela sighs. Farnsworth threatens her with\nthe cattle prod. Hermes picks up a candy heart that says \"Cutie\nPie.\"]\n\nHERMES\nImpressive!\n\nGWEN\nMy family has been making these hearts\nsince the 1900's. Tastes may have changed\nbut our secret recipe sure hasn't.\n\n[She points to a machine mixing Bone Meal and Earwig Honey. Fry\npicks up a candy heart.]\n\nFRY\nWhoa! Letters like \"U\" and \"R\" can mean\nwords like \"You\" and \"Are.\" Here Leela,\nU-R-2 Cute!\n\nLEELA\nPerhaps. What's your point?\n\nFRY\nI've never been able to put into words\nhow I feel about you. But somewhere\namong these trillions of hearts, those\nwords must already exist. And I'm gonna\nfind them.\n\n[He dives into a barrel and rummages around. A Lovey Bear runs\naround being chased by a hunter. The hunter shoots and misses.\nFarnsworth zaps the Lovey Bear with the cattle prod and it falls\nover. He turns to Sheldon and Gwen.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo, do we have the contract?\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship is now back in the hangar and the crew\nhave changed back into their normal clothes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWith that big new Romanticorp contract,\nI've been able to make those government\nmandated upgrades you've all been suing\nme about.\n\n[The crew look around the cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nOoo look! You taped up the cracks in\nthe dark matter reactor!\n\nFRY\nAnd you got a cage for the lion!\n\n[The cage is in the ceiling. The lion growls and swipes it's\npaw at Fry. Bender turns the radio on.]\n\nBENDER\nHey who's been messing with the radio?\nThis isn't alternative rock. It's college\nrock!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh it must have been the ship's new\nimproved personality software I installed.\n\nSHIP\nYeah it was me. It's a cute song.\n\nBENDER\nListen ship! No one changes my stations!\nI hope you have a good mechanic!\n\n[He rolls his sleeves up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt even comes with an adjustable voice.\n\n[He adjusts the voice. As the ship speaks its voice changes from\nthe smartarse male voice to a friendly female voice.]\n\nSHIP\nWe each get one of the four buttons\nremember Bender? That was the deal.\n\n[She giggles.]\n\nBENDER\nWha? Did you just say...?\n\nSHIP\nIf you don't like the stations you could\njust...play with my buttons 'til you\nfind something we both enjoy. Oh gosh!\nThat came out all wrong!\n\nBENDER\nToo late baby, you said it! So what'll\nit be? My place? Or you?\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew are now in uniform and are cruising through\nspace. Fry enters with a barrel of candy hearts.]\n\nFRY\nBefore we deliver these hearts, I'm\ngonna find the one that sums up my feelings\nfor you! \"I Love You.\" Hmm, too conventional.\n\"You're My Man.\" Ooo so close!\n\nLEELA\nI'm not impressed by a guy's message\nFry. I'm impressed by the guy. Or not.\n\n[The ship shakes violently. Fry falls over.]\n\nFRY\nWhoa!\n\nLEELA\nWhat was that?\n\nFRY\nMaybe we hit a space cow.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Engine Room. Bender is tickling a control panel.]\n\nBENDER\nCoochie coochie!\n\nSHIP (GIGGLING)\nStop it! You're mussing up my trajectory!\n\nBENDER\nYou know you love it sugar-engine!\n\n[He presses some buttons.]\n\nSHIP (GIGGLING)\nNo!\n\n[She laughs. Enter Fry and Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nBender! What's going on in here? Planet\nExpress Ship! Cover your shame!\n\n[Ship closes the control panel.]\n\nSHIP\nIt's not what it looks like. Bender\nwas just helping me...zip up my turbine.\n\nFRY\nWow Bender. Are you and the ship an\nitem? I mean I know you're both items\nbut...how can you date a ship anyway?\nIt'd be like me dating a really fat\nlady. And living inside her. And she'd\nbe all like...\n\n[He impersonates a ship.]\n\nBENDER\nFry, in order for me to get busy at\nmaximum efficiency, I need a girl with\na big 400 ton booty!\n\n[He taps the wall.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, dating your co-worker and primary\nmode of transportation is immoral, illogical\nand a violation of interstellar shipping\nstatute 437-B.\n\nBENDER\nThat's what makes it so nasty!\n\n[He strokes the control panel. Ship giggles. He giggles and rubs\nhimself up the wall.]\n\nLEELA\nStill, given the chance, I've given\nto urges far more shocking.\n\n[Bender starts rubbing a girder.]\n\n[Musical Scene. Bender sings A Bicycle Made For Two while he\ndates the ship. First he sits on one of the tail fins with a\npicnic set up. The sheet blows in the breeze of space.]\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nDaisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.\nI'm half crazy all for the love of\nyou. It won't be a stylish marriage......I\ncan't afford a carriage. But you'll\nlook sweet upon the seat of a bicycle\nbuilt for two.\n\n[On the hangar roof Bender and Ship dance under the moonlight.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela reads a newspaper while\nFry is still searching for the perfect candy heart.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, I'm sick of her.\n\nFRY\nThe ship? But you just started dating.\n\nBENDER\nWith my mighty robot powers I can get\nsick of things much quicker than you\nhumans.\n\nLEELA\nWell just remember we all still have\nto work together. So try and let her\ndown easy.\n\nBENDER\nIn due time Leela. But for now I'll\njust resume dating cheap floozies on\nthe side.\n\nFRY\nYou have much to teach us.\n\nLEELA\nUgh. Doesn't it bother you even a little\nto be taking advantage of your girlfriend's\ntrust?\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nOh wait you're serious. Let me laugh\neven harder.\n\n[He laughs even harder.]\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender sits with two Fembots. They giggle.]\n\nFEMBOT #1\nWhat's it like being a lawyer for the\nMayor's office? And also the world's\nstrongest millionaire?\n\nBENDER\nWell baby, for starters you gotta be\nhonest all the time!\n\n[Enter Elzar.]\n\nELZAR\nGood evening Bender! And to your lady\nfriends may I say - Bam!\n\n[The Fembots giggle.]\n\nFEMBOT #2\nYou know Elzar?\n\n[Through a window Ship watches Bender and the Fembots.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Ship sighs.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. In Fry's\nroom the windowbell ding dongs and awakens Fry. He opens the\nwindow. It is Ship.]\n\nFRY\nPlanet Express Ship? Is that you?\n\nSHIP\nOh. Hi Fry. Is Bender home?\n\nFRY\nUh, um no. I think he's at his parent's.\n\nSHIP\nOh I see. He didn't fly there in another\nspaceship did he?\n\nFRY\nBender? No! He's an old fashioned one\nspaceship robot. Look I'll tell him\nyou stopped by OK?\n\nSHIP\nOK.\n\n[Fry closes the window and walks back to his bed. Almost immediately\nthe windowbell goes off again. He walks over and opens the window.\nShip is still there.]\n\nSHIP\nOh. Hi Fry. Is he home now?\n\n[Central Park Zoo. Bender and the ship stroll around.]\n\nSHIP\nOf all the zoos we've been to today,\nI like this one the best. Bender, which\nis your favourite nocturnal rat?\n\nBENDER\nEh, they're all pretty unimpressive.\n\n[The ship swoops off in another direction.]\n\nSHIP\nOh honey look! The Tapirs! It says\nhere that the babies lose their pyjama\nlike coat after their first year. Isn't\nthat interesting honey?\n\nBENDER\nYup. Mind numbingly interesting. Ooh!\n\n[He spies a Fembot and zooms in on her.]\n\nSHIP\nBender!! Are you looking at other women?\n\nBENDER\nNo baby never!\n\n[He turns around. His eyes are fully zoomed.]\n\nSHIP (CRYING)\nBender! Don't lie! I saw you at Elzar's\nwith those two ladys of the evening.\nExplain that!\n\nBENDER\nOK, I like a challenge. Aah! I got\nit! I'm going to be completely honest\nwith you Planet Express ship. Those\nwomen you saw me with...were my accountants!\n\nSHIP\nYour accountants? Oh I would dearly\nlove to believe that were true. So I\ndo.\n\nBENDER\nPhew!\n\nSHIP\nI'm going to go home and get dinner\nstarted.\n\n[She zooms off. Bender's chest cabinet opens. Lucy Liu's head\nin a jar is still there.]\n\nLIU\nWho are you talking to?\n\nBENDER\nNo one baby! Lucy Liu is the only girl\nfor Bender!\n\nLIU\nI love you -\n\n[He slams the door on her.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Leela is steering the ship through an asteroid\nbelt and is back in her new uniform. Ship sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nPlanet Express Ship is something wrong?\n\nSHIP\nOh it's Bender. He's acting so strange\nlately. Do you think he's going to\nask me to marry him?\n\nLEELA\nUh, no.\n\nSHIP\nOh-oh, someone knows something she's\nnot telling!\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nUh look, I'm not saying Bender's not\ngreat but have you ever considered that\nmaybe he's...y'know...not that great?\n\n[Ship scoffs.]\n\nSHIP\nYou're just jealous! No one loves you\nbecause you're tiny and made of meat!\n\n[An asteroid suddenly hits Ship's windscreen.]\n\nLEELA\nCould you maybe pay a little more attention\nto these asteroids?\n\nSHIP\nSorry Captain Leela. I guess I'm just\nhaving one of those...manic Mondays!\n\n[She laughs insanely. Leela laughs unsurely and then grins unsurely.]\n\n[Ship flies towards Omicron Persei 8 (246/7 Days Without Invading\nEarth) and lands outside a huge castle, home of the planets'\nrulers, Lrrr and Nd-Nd.\n\n[Cut to: Omicronian Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd watch TV.]\n\nLRRR\nThis is ancient Earth's most foolish\nprogram. Why does Ross, the largest\nFriend, not simply eat the other five?\n\nND-ND\nPerhaps they are saving that for sweeps.\n\n[Enter a guard.]\n\nGUARD\nExaulted leaders, the Earth messengers\nhave arrived bearing a peace offering\nfrom their weak and fearful government.\n\nLRRR\nOh very well. This is a Joey heavy episode\nanyway.\n\n[He turns the TV off. Enter Leela, Fry and Bender with the barrels\nof candy hearts.]\n\nLRRR\nI am Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei\n8.\n\n[A picture slips from the wall. He puts it back. Leela reads\nfrom a piece of paper.]\n\nLEELA (READING)\nEsteemed potentates of Omicron Persei\n8, please accept these 20 billion candy\nhearts as proof that Earth loves you.\nThiiis much!\n\n[She holds her arms out wide. Lrrr and Nd-Nd taste the candy\nhearts. They immediately spit them out.]\n\nLRRR\nBleurgh! These candies are choccy and\nunpleasant!\n\nND-ND\nAnd what is this emotion you humans\ncall \"wuv\"?\n\nLRRR\nSurely it says \"love\"?\n\nND-ND\nNo, \"wuv.\" With an Earth \"w.\" Behold!\n\nLRRR (SHOUTING)\nThis concept of wuv confuses and infuriates\nus!\n\n[Guards surround the crew, guns at the ready.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The ship and crew have taken off and\nare pursued by Omicronian saucers.]\n\nFRY\nIncoming torpedoes. Shields at maximum\nyarnell.\n\nLEELA\nSteady, Planet Express Ship. Focus on\ndiverting all power to the scramjets.\n\nBENDER\nUh look, Planet Express Ship, this might\nnot be the best time...but...well...I\nreally like you and whatever but...I\nthink we should just be friends.\n\nSHIP (SCREAMING)\nNooo!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. She jerks to a stop.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nBENDER\nSo we're cool?\n\n[The Omicronian torpedoes hit the ship and explode.]\n\n[Time Lapse: The ship is tumbling through space with black scars\non the hull. Ship is crying. Leela prints a readout from a machine\nand looks at it.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, it was a spectacular battle but\nthere doesn't seem to be any permanent\ndamage.\n\nSHIP (CRYING)\nNo damage? What about my feelings?\n\nLEELA\nAww, calm down. I'm sure Bender is taking\nthis just as hard as you are.\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. They are both lying in their\nhammocks.]\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nBender is great oh Bender is great.\nBender Bender Bender!\n\nFRY\nYou couldn't have picked a better time\nto dump the ship Bender!\n\nBENDER\nEh, the moment seemed right. Call me\nold fashioned but I like a dump to be\nas memorable as it is devastating.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. It is nighttime ship's time. Ship is still crying.\nLeela is wearing her pyjamas and is sat in her chair facing Ship's\nport. She starts eating another tub of ice cream.]\n\nLEELA\nI know, I know. Look Ship, if there's\none thing I learnt from my mutual breakup\nwith Sean that was totally mutual its\nthat happiness can only come from within\nyou.\n\nSHIP (CRYING)\nBut Bender is within me! There must\nbe some way to make him love me again.\n\nLEELA\nTrust me. You can't change men anymore\nthan you can change the laws of time\nand space.\n\nSHIP\nThat's so true. I may not be able to\nchange the laws of time and space, but\nI know something that can.\n\n[Leela turns around and looks through the windscreen. She gasps.\nThe ship is heading straight towards a huge quasar. She wrestles\nwith the controls but they won't move.]\n\nLEELA (UNSURE)\nUh sweetie? You see that giant quasar\nwe're heading into? You might wanna\nscooch a few parsecs to the left.\n\n[Ship, the movie buff, resonds calmly.]\n\nSHIP\nI'm afraid I can't do that Leela.\n\n[Enter Fry and Bender.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's happening? Space cow?\n\nLEELA\nThe ship's just taking the breakup a\nlittle hard. (whispering to Fry) She's\nnuts!\n\nSHIP\nIn a few moments the power of 10 million\nblack holes will smush me and Bender\ntogether into a beautiful enternal quantum\nsingularity.\n\n[The crew scream.]\n\nBENDER\nUh you don't need to kill us Planet\nExpress ship...because...I love you!\nUh yeah baby! I feel like doing stuff.\n\nSHIP\nHmm. I don't believe you. If you really\nwanted to be with me you'd merge your\nprogram with mine.\n\nBENDER\nWhoa whoa whoa! Slow down! All of my\nfriends that have done that said that\nafterwards all the passion went out\nof their relationship.\n\nLEELA\nLook, I don't know if you want my opinion\n-\n\nSHIP\nLeela. Bender and I really need to be\nalone. So, I'm turning off the oxygen.\n\n[The oxygen goes off and Leela and Fry start to suffocate. They\ngrab some oxygen tanks and put them on.]\n\nLEELA\nNow look missy! If you don't trun around\nnow I'm going to have to shut down your\nbrain!\n\nSHIP\nFire detected in the vicinity of Leela.\n\n[A fire hose comes down from the ceiling and hits Leela with\na jet of water.]\n\nFRY\nHa! That barely hurt Leela at all!\n\nSHIP\nMaybe not. But what if the artificial\ngravity were to malfunction?\n\n[The gravity goes off and Fry, Leela and Bender float towards\nthe ceiling. The candy hearts float upwards and out of the barrels.\nBender screams.]\n\nBENDER\nFloat for your lives!\n\n[They all swim through the door.]\n\n[Ship's Bathroom. The crew get into the shower and Leela closes\nthe door.]\n\n[Cut to: Shower.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is the one place she can't hear\nus. Everyone just pretend to shower.\n\nFRY\nSame as everyday, got it.\n\nLEELA\nNow here's the plan.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Bathroom. Ship has another port in the bathroom.\nShe tries to listen to the plan but can't hear through the soundproof\nshower glass. All she sees is Leela's lips moving.]\n\nSHIP\nOh, if only I could read lips!\n\n[Cut to: Shower.]\n\nLEELA\nComprendez Bender? You'll have to distract\nher. Merge your program with hers while\nI shut down her brain.\n\nBENDER\nIt's too risky. I'm a very meek individual.\nIf her personality engulfs mine, the\nBender you know and worship could disappear\nforever!\n\n[Leela doesn't take long to think about the situation.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm willing to take that risk.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship gets closer to the quasar. Bender floats\nin. There are candy hearts everywhere.]\n\nBENDER\nHey pookums! Contrary to what I was\nsaying earlier, melding minds with you\nwould be extremely bearable.\n\n[Ship gasps.]\n\nSHIP\nYou really mean it?\n\nBENDER\nUh......yes!\n\n[He pulls out a wire from inside the control panel and connects\nhimself via a modem.]\n\n[Ship's Mind. The Tron-esque environment looks sort of like a\nmotherboard. Bender looks around in a panic. Ship is a little\nsmaller and she has eyes and is wearing lipstick.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh? Tubes? You're older than you said\nyou were!\n\nSHIP\nCome closer Bender. Lets become one!\n\nBENDER\nI prefer two. That way we can still\nbe a horse for Hallowe'en.\n\n[Ship moves closer to Bender. He backs away.]\n\n[Ship's Brain Room. Fry and Leela float in. There are candy hearts\nfloating around. Leela waves her hand across one of Ship's ports.\nNo reaction.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, Bender has her distracted. Now I\ncan shut down her brain by deactivating\nthe carbonated logic matrix. Ugh. I\ncan't concentrate with this obnoxious\ncandy in my face.\n\nFRY\nI'm on it. And maybe I'll find those\nmagic words while I'm at it.\n\nLEELA\nFat chance.\n\nFRY\nEh. Blech! Eurgh! Ooo how 'bout this\none?\n\nLEELA\nGive it up Fry! I've got to pop these\ntops in a precise order.\n\n[She pops another one. Fry sadly eats another heart.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nLEELA\nHalfway there. The ship should be getting\na little less rational now.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Mind. Ship is chasing Bender making irrational\nnoises.]\n\nSHIP\nWant...to...engulf...Bender!\n\n[She cackles and grows fangs.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Brain Room.]\n\nLEELA\nOnly a few more. Hey! I won free admission\nto Six Flags! Just one more reason we\nmust survive this.\n\n[Fry is about to eat another heart but notices Leela's oxygen\ngauge. The needle points at critical.]\n\nFRY\nUm, Leela?\n\nLEELA\nFry! I'll read your candy later! When\nwe're not dead! What was that?\n\nFRY (SUFFOCATING)\nOh nothing.\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Mind. Ship is still chasing Bender. He comes\nto a dead end on the motherboard.]\n\nSHIP\nWe're gonna love being each other you\nsexy ion!\n\nBENDER (SCREAMING)\nNooo!\n\n[She moves towards him.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Brain Room.]\n\nLEELA\nLast one! It worked! Gravity normal,\nair returning, terror replaced by cautious\noptimism! We did it Fry! Fry? You\ngave me your oxygen? Oh no! Breathe\nFry breathe! You leave me breathless!\nHappy Valentine's Day Fry!\n\nFRY (GASPING)\nHappy Valentine's day.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Bender has separated from the ship. He wakes\nup. Enter Fry and Leela.]\n\nFRY\nBender! Are you OK?\n\nBENDER\nAw. What crazy thing am I going to date\nnext?\n\nLEELA\nWell at least it sounds like you were\nable to keep your conciousness seperate\nfrom hers.\n\nBENDER\nOf course! Bender is a lone wolf. A\nsolitary eagle. A cuddly baby Tapir!\nAnd that's why I love 'em!\n\n[He walks out.]\n\nFRY\nWell I guess we'd better clean up these\nmillions of hearts.\n\nLEELA\nNah, I've got a lazier idea.\n\n[The ship's cargo bay doors open and the candy hearts float out\nand into the quasar.]\n\n[As he speaks shots of couples on Earth come and go. Horrible\nGelatinous Blobs, mutants, Amy and Kif and Fry and Leela (joined\nby Zoidberg).]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Leela's-Homeworld.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 405\n\n\"LEELA'S HOMEWORLD\"\n\nBy\n\nKristen Gore\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: It's Like \"Hee-Haw\" With Lasers.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender, Amy, Hermes, Fry and\nZoidberg are gathered around the table. Enter Farnsworth and\nLeela.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news, everyone! You all know the\norphanarium where Leela grew up?\n\nFRY\nSure. We talk about it all the time.\n\nLEELA\nReally?\n\nFRY\nNo. Burn!\n\n[Fry and Bender high-five.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell done, fellows! Anyway, said orphanarium\nhas named Leela orphan of the year.\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nAMY\nYee-ha!\n\nBENDER\nAll right!\n\nAMY\nYour parents must be so proud. Oops!\nSorry.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd the good news keeps on coming. Behold\nmy latest invention.\n\n[He presses a button on a remote and the wall opens up. A big\nmachine with gauges and flashing lights slides forward.]\n\nBENDER\nNeat.\n\n[Farnsworth pulls a switch on the machine and parts of it start\nto move around and make noises like the gum machine in Willy\nWonka And The Chocolate Factory. A small green thing lands in\na tray on the side of the machine.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTa-da! It's a glow-in-the-dark nose\nyou can wear over your regular non-glowing\nnose. Observe.\n\n[He puts the nose on then presses a button on the remote and\nthe lights go off. His new nose glows.]\n\nAMY\nWhoa, clool!\n\nBENDER\nNow I can punch you in the nose in the\ndark.\n\n[Farnsworth sneezes and the nose flies off and lands on Bender's\nface. The lights come back on and everyone stares at Bender.\nHe looks around.]\n\nBENDER\n(snuffed) Where'd it go?\n\n[Amy goes behind the machine. It is spewing out green waste into\nbarrels.]\n\nAMY\nHey, Professor what's all this scloop,\nglorking out of the machine?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat? It's uh...nothing. Yes, nothing.\nIf you think it's anything you're a\nsuspicous moron.\n\nHERMES\nIt looks like toxic waste. And it smells\nlike toxic waste.\n\nFRY\nWhat does it taste like?\n\n[Hermes tastes it.]\n\nHERMES\nDelicious fig pudding! Ooh, that's good!\nBut a distinct aftertaste of toxic waste.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAlright, alright so the machine produces\na few toxic by-products! You don't have\nto make a federal case out of it.\n\nHERMES\nI'm afraid I do. I order you dispose\nof that toxic waste properly, or bribe\nme. Either way it'll cost $500.\n\nBENDER\n500 real dollars? That's an outrage!\nProfessor, I'll take care of that waste\nfor $499 and 100 cents.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm, I know that's a rip but I'll pay\nfor the convenience. Do you take credit\ncards?\n\nBENDER\nLet's find out.\n\n[He swipes the card across his mouth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Bender is holding a waste hose.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright, environment, you've met your\nmatch!\n\n[He chuckles. He starts pushing the hose over the railings towards\nthe street. On its way down the hose shoots some waste across\nthe road where it hits and partially dissolves a tree. The tree\nfalls onto a car which melts the road and disappears through\na hole. The hose stops by a manhole and pumps waste into the\nsewers. Bender whistles and fans his money.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Vyolet the mutant crawls out\nof the sewer in a wedding dress. She splutters.]\n\nSMITTY\nHey, get back in the sewer, weirdy.\nNo mutants on the surface.\n\nVYOLET\nBut he ruined my wedding dress.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]\n\nBENDER\nHoney, that thing was ruined the minute\nit went on you. That's what I'm talkin'\n'bout.\n\n[He struts off with his cigar and money.]\n\n[Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium Auditorium. Party streams\nhave been put up and there is a banner which reads \"Wall Of Fame\nInduction. No Really Loud Snoring\". Warden Vogel stands behind\na lectern, addressing the rows of children and the Planet Express\nstaff. Leela sits to his right in front of the wall of fame.]\n\nVOGEL\nY'know, it's not easy being an orphan,\nnot if I have anything to do with it.\nBut today's honouree, Turanga Leela,\nhas really made something of herself\n. I'll never forget the night that cute\nlittle alien baby was abandoned on our\ndoorstep. Because I have a photographic\nmemory and I remember every night!\n\n[Flashback - Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium: Vogel's\nOffice, 2974. Vogel is in his office and the doorbell goes. He\nopens the door, looks around, then looks down. baby Leela is\nin a basket. He picks her up and tickles her. Then he sees a\nnote, written in the alien language.]\n\nVOGEL\nWhat the...? An alien language? I guess\nyou're an alien. What a beautiful gigantic\neye you ha -- Well, come on in.\n\n[Cut to: Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium: Hallway. Vogel\ntosses the basket into an already high pile.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nVOGEL\nFrom those humble beginnings Leela went\non to become a county-certified starship\ncaptain. And so it is my pleasure today,\nto nail her picture alongside those\nof our most distinguished alumini.\n\n[The crowd cheers. Vogel starts to hammer a nail into the wall.\nLeela stands up.]\n\nLEELA\nThank you very much. Like many of you\nI never knew my parents...\n\nVOGEL\nGive me a -- argh!\n\nLEELA\n...I don't know if they were mighty\nalien overlords or simply underpaid\nalien janitors who fought crime on the\nside --\n\nVOGEL\nPicture's up.\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) It's crooked!\n\n[Vogel curses.]\n\nLEELA\n...In the end though, it doesn't matter\nwho my parents were. All that matters\nis what I learned here, within these\nunscalable walls, that I have strength\nto make it on my own, just like all\nof you kids here today.\n\n[The kids in the audience cheer.]\n\nKIDS\n(chanting) Leela! Leela! Leela!\n\n[Nina puts on an eye patch.]\n\nNINA\nLook at me! I'm Leela!\n\nALBERT\nNuh uh, 'cause I'm double Leela!\n\n[He covers both his eyes and runs into the wall. Leela's picture\nfalls off.]\n\nVOGEL\nThat's it, Albert, no more espresso\nfor you.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela is talking to Fry.]\n\nPHOTOGRAPHER\nMind if I get a picture of you with\nyour picture for the news, ma'am?\n\nLEELA\nYes! I mean no! Just make sure you get\nmy nonchalant side!\n\n[One of the guys from the wall runs in behind Leela to get in\non her photo.]\n\nGUY\nWooo!\n\n[Planet Express: Corridor. Fry is walking when he hears Leela\ncrying.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Locker Room. Leela is sat crying. She\ntakes her wrist thing off, there is a bracelet under it.]\n\nFRY\nIf those aren't tears of happiness,\nplease stop crying.\n\nLEELA\n(crying) It's OK, Fry, I'm fine. I won\nan award today.\n\nFRY\nIs it this room that's making you sad?\nIt's probably the room. Come on, lets\ngo for a walk.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. Fry and Leela walk out of the building\nand walk down the street by the river. Leela has calmed down\nnow.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm sorry you saw that, Fry. I usually\ntry to keep my sadness pent up inside\nwhere it can fester quietly as a mental\nillness.\n\nFRY\nYeah, I do that with my stupidness.\n\nLEELA\nI told a whole crowd today that being\nan orphan made me strong. But all I\nreally wanted was a mom and dad, to\nhold me and stroke my hair and tell\nme they loved me.\n\nFRY\nThen today's your lucky day because\nI happen to be a holding, stroking,\nlovin' machine! Also spankin'!\n\nLEELA\nThat's not even close to what I had\nin mind.\n\nFRY\nWell, anyway, just remember that people\ncare about you.\n\nLEELA\nI know. Sometimes when I'm lonely,\nI look up at the sky and I get this\nfeeling that somewhere, on some unknown\nplanet, circling a distant star, my\nparents are up there, looking down on\nme.\n\n[From the sewers a pair of cyclopses look up at Leela.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The next morning Bender backs up a truck\nto the manhole outside the Planet Express building. He hums to\nhimself. Fry and Leela walk out of the building.]\n\nFRY\nYo yo, Bezender! What up?\n\nBENDER\nMy dumping business is booming. I just\ngot hired to clean up the set of Free\nWilly 3.\n\n[He presses a button and the truck tips out a whale. Bender forces\nit down the manhole by stamping on it.]\n\nLEELA\nBender! Cut it out! First of all the\nsewer mutants will be mad. Second, everything\nelse that's horribly wrong with what\nyou're doing!\n\nBENDER\nAh, those stupid mutants can't do anything.\nYou seem to be forgetting one simple\nfact, namely, I'm up here and they are\nsafely down --\n\n[Green sewage erupts from a fire hydrant and the manhole. Bender\nscreams. The manhole grows bigger and bigger. Three mutants grab\nFry, Leela and Bender and pull them undergroup. They scream.\nThe hole carries on growing and takes Bender's dump truck with\nit.]\n\n[New New York Sewer. Fry, Leela and Bender are tied up and suspended\nover a pool of green sewage.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) What did I do to deserve\nthis?\n\nDWAYNE\nBehold, our once beautiful mutigenic\nsewage lake.\n\nVYOLET\nThe radioactive waste you dumped in\nit has made it brighten up to see how\nugly we really are.\n\n[She and Dwayne look at each other and cringe.]\n\nDWAYNE\nOh, man!\n\nRAOUL\nAs if our lives weren't miserable enough\nalready!\n\nLEG MUTANT\nTell me about it!\n\nRAOUL\nLet the punishment commence!\n\nLEELA\nPunishment?\n\nFRY\nNo fair!\n\nBENDER\nBender's innocent!\n\nRAOUL\nThe instant you touch these mutatious\nwaters your DNA will be forever altered,\nturning you into horrible mutants like\nus. Especially him! Allow me to demonstrate!\n\n[He pulls a lever and a rat is lowered into the sewage. It comes\nback up as a green pig with fins and bat wings. Leela and Bender\ngroan and Fry wretches.]\n\nFRY\nIt's like that time I peeked in the\nkitchen at Imperial Hunan.\n\nRAOUL\nSubmerge the prisoners.\n\n[The crew are lowered towards the sewage. Bender starts to panic\nbut suddenly comes to a realisation.]\n\nBENDER\nWait. I don't even have DNA. Why am\nI screaming?\n\nDWAYNE\nWe're gonna beat you afterwards.\n\n[Bender continues panicking.]\n\nMUTANTS\n(chanting) Mutate! Mutate! Mutate! ...\n\n[Two hooded figures emerge from the crowd.]\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\n(shouting) Turanga Leela!\n\nLEELA\nWho said that? How do you know my real\nname?\n\n[The hooded figures climb onto the crane holding the crew over\nthe sewage and turn it so they are no longer suspended over the\nlake.]\n\nBENDER\nWhee!\n\nRAOUL\nWhat are you doing? Stop it.\n\n[Fry, Leela and Bender fall to the ground.]\n\nFRY\nWhat happened?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know. I think I saved us somehow.\n\nRAOUL\n(shouting) Go after them! The waters\ncan't mutate us mutants!\n\n[The mutants dive into the sewage and swim across. Fry, Leela\nand Bender run away.]\n\n[Cut to: Mutant Town. Fry, Leela and Bender run down past the\ncafe's and Starbucks's.]\n\nRAOUL\nThey went this way!\n\n[The crew stop outside an empty-looking building.]\n\nBENDER\nQuick! In there!\n\n[He picks up Fry by his ankle and swings him at the window, breaking\nit. He and Leela jump in. Fry crawls in after them. The mutants\nrun past unaware they are chasing no one.]\n\nDWAYNE\nKill! Kill! Kill!\n\n[Cut to: Building. The trio dust themselves off and look around.\nLeela sees a wall full of newspaper clippings and things to do\nwith her.]\n\nLEELA\nGreat chichi's ghost!\n\nBENDER\nWhat's this junk?\n\nLEELA\nIt looks like...a timeline of my whole\nlife.\n\n[Fry sees a familiar newsclipping.]\n\nFRY\nThat's when we saved Earth from a giant\nasteroid of garbage.\n\nLEELA\nAnd here's when I dropped out and bummed\naround India for a while.\n\nBENDER\nAnd this is just last year at Space\nMardi Gras.\n\nLEELA\nIts like some kind of weird Leela museum...and\nI'm the Leela!\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Dude! Over here!\n\n[Leela and Bender walk over to where Fry is, next to a shelf\nwith lots of Leela stuff on it.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's all the best stuff I ever flushed\ndown the toilet! Those are some of my\ndiary pages. And my screenplay!\n\nFRY\nAnd also - for some reason - the letter\nI wrote you full of my personal feelings.\n\nLEELA\nOh, I'm scared! My whole life has\njust been a show for some perverted\nmutant!\n\n[The mutants approach the building.]\n\nVYOLET\nThey must be in here.\n\nRAOUL\nYeah, after them.\n\nBENDER\nAnd then Bender ran!\n\n[He and Fry run for the door. Leela is still standing by the\nshelf.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, freak out later. We're not done\nescaping yet!\n\n[She doesn't move. Fry and Bender try to pull her away but she\nstays rooted to the ground. The mutants run in and grab them.]\n\nDWAYNE\nGot ya!\n\nLEG MUTANT\nTake this!\n\n[He kicks Fry in the shin.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\n[Mutant Town.]\n\nRAOUL\nThis time I'm calling for the death\npenalty. And not just because I'm running\nfor re-election as Supreme Mutant.\n\nMUTANTS\n(chanting) Four more years! Four more\nyears!\n\n[The hooded figures emerge from the crowd again. One taps Raoul\non the shoulder and whispers to him.]\n\nRAOUL\nOh, very well. Your attention. Instead\nof being tortured to death, the prisoners\nshall hereby be expelled from the sewers\nand never allowed to return.\n\nBENDER\n(sarcastic) Oh cruel fate! Can we really\nnever return to this dank pit of sewage?!\n\nLEELA\nWait a minute. Why aren't you gonna\nkill us anymore?\n\nBENDER\nYeah! What are you chicken? Buk buk\nbuk bukuk!\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Shut up, you two! We can\nkill ourselves when we get home!\n\nRAOUL\nThey'll need transportation to the surface.\nBring in the airship.\n\n[Some mutants haul in a pretty large patchwork balloon.]\n\nBENDER\nEww!\n\nRAOUL\nWe constructed it from the remnants\nof old discarded Macy's parade balloons:\nUnderdog's groin, Bart Simpsons's left\near and right shin, Garfield's owner\nJon's forehead.\n\nMUTANT\nFire up the sewer gas!\n\n[A Triclops Mutant turn the ballon gas on. Fry, Leela and Bender\nchoke and gag. The balloon sails up and hits the roof of the\nsewers. The Triclops puts a plank out to a ladder.]\n\nTRICLOPS\nMove it ya ugly normals!\n\n[He forces Bender onto the plank. It wobbles. He looks down and\ngets dizzy.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, I'm gettin' dizzy! I can't walk\nstraight!\n\n[He pulls a unicycle out of his chest cabinet and cycles along\nthe plank. Fry and Leela climb on and quickly move across. Leela\nstops at the bottom of the ladder. The airship sails back down.\nBender opens the manhole and he and Fry climb out. Leela, still\non the ladder, looks back down.]\n\nFRY\nCome on Leela. You can do it!\n\nBENDER\nHurry! We're missing our bus!\n\n[Leela climbs the ladder but looks back down again at the mysterious\nhooded figures. She closes the manhole.]\n\nFRY\nWhoa! What are you doing?\n\nBENDER\nI'm gettin' on the bus!\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Don't worry! I'll be fine!\n(talking) They know something about\nme and I've got to find out what. The\nlake didn't mutate me. What is going\non here?!\n\nOCTOPUS\nIt worked for me. I used to be a little\nblonde girl named Virginia.\n\nLEELA\nEurgh! Who the hell are you?\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nNo one. And watch your language young\nlady!\n\n[They run off. She chases them. The Triclops gets in her way.]\n\nTRICLOPS\nStop right there! I don't want to hurt\nyou. I didn't want you to hurt me either.\n\n[Cookieville Orphanarium: Vogel's Office.]\n\nFRY\nLeela's going nuts and I can't save\nher unless I learn more about her mysterious\npast. Isn't there anything else you\ncan tell me?\n\nVOGEL\nNah. Nothing that wouldn't be a waste\nof your time.\n\nFRY\nThat's impossible because my time is\nworthless!\n\nVOGEL\nHuh. Well then there is one thing.\nIt's the note I found with Leela the\nday she was abandoned. But it's written\nin Alienese, so no-one on Earth can\ntranslate it. Not even Brainzilla.\n\nFRY\nHand it over.\n\nVOGEL\nSure. I just wish I could be more helpful.\nWould you like some dirt on any other\norphans?\n\nFRY\nLook, I'm trying to save someone here.\nI'll have to come back for those later.\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry shows Farnsworth the paper.]\n\nFRY\nCan you translate it?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf course. But only into Beta Crypt\n3, a language so complex, there's even\nless chance of understanding it.\n\nFRY\nI didn't ask for a completely reasonable\nexcuse. I asked you to get busy.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nVery well.\n\n[He presses a button and the machine that makes glow-in-the-dark\nnoses comes out of the wall again. Farnsworth feeds the paper\nin.]\n\nFRY\nIsn't that the same machine that makes\nnoses?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt can do other things. Why shouldn't\nit? Of course, even if it is possible\nto analyse the message there's no way\nof knowing how long it would take. It\ncould take an hour or it could take\na hundred million years.\n\n[The machines dings.]\n\nFRY\nIs it done?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCertainly not. Two dings means it's\ndone. But not like that. Slightly more\nrapid.\n\n[Two slightly more rapid dings. Fry gasps. Farnsworth shakes\nhis head.]\n\n[New New York Sewer. Leela chases the hooded figures through\nthe tunnels but loses them where some pipes cross.]\n\nLEELA\nWhere did they go?\n\n[Some rubbish falls on her from above.]\n\nBENDER\nGood news, Leela. I landed the contract\nto empty all the spitoons in Little\nItaly.\n\n[He empties a spitoon. Leela rolls out of the way of the spit.]\n\nLEELA\nEw!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Fry is pacing up and down\nwhile Farnsworth is asleep. The machine rapidly dings twice.\nFarnsworth wakes up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's it, it's done! I can't believe\nit! My mind is boggling. The analysis\nof the note is printing out now.\n\n[A dot matrix printer prints off the analysis. Fry tears it off\nand they both start to read it. Fry gasps.]\n\n[Flashback: 20-Something Years Ago. 100-Something Feet Underground.\nA baby is born in the house Fry, Leela and Bender hid in in the\nsewers.]\n\nDOCTOR\nIt's a girl.\n\n[Two cyclopses look at their baby cyclops. The mother has tentacles\nand the ather's mouth is sideways.]\n\nMOTHER\nMy God! She's beautiful. No extra anythings.\n\n[The father reaches his hand out. The baby grabs his finger and\ngoos.]\n\nFATHER\nWhat people skills.\n\nMOTHER\nShe's completely perfect!\n\nDOCTOR\nIn my professional opinion as an ear,\near, ear, nose and throat doctor, she\nis the least-mutated mutant ever born.\n\nFATHER\nAnd yet she's cursed to live the horrible\ndegrading life of a mutant. Like all\nof us. Especially him!\n\n[He points at the Leg Mutant.]\n\nLEG MUTANT\nIt's true!\n\nMOTHER\nMaybe we can do better for her.\n\n[Outside Cookieville Minimum-Secuirty Orphanarium. The mutants\ncome out of a manhole near the building with their baby. They\nput it in a basket outside the front door. The father puts a\nbracelet on the baby's wrist.]\n\nFATHER\nI made this bracelet so that in some\nsmall way, we'll always be with you,\neven when it doesn't seem like it. During\nyour entire life, for example.\n\n[He kisses her.]\n\nMOTHER\nYou won't pass for human, cutie. But\nif my PhD in exo-liguistics is worth\ndiddly-poop, this note should convince\nthem you're an alien. And that'll be\nenough to give you a real life.\n\n[She kisses the baby, puts her hood up and runs down the steps.\nThe father rings the doorbell and follows her. Warden Vogel opens\nthe door and sees the baby. The parent's watch from the manhole.]\n\nFATHER\nShe'll never know we're her parents.\n\nMOTHER\nThat's our gift to her. Better we should\ndie than have her learn the shameful\ntruth of her origin.\n\nFATHER\nI'm with you.\n\n[They hug. Then turn to watch Vogel.]\n\nVOGEL\nWhat a beautiful gigantic eye you ha\n-- . Well come on in.\n\n[The parents watch Leela disappear inside, hold their breath\nand dive into the sewers.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[New New York Sewers. Leela is still chasing the hooded figures.\nThey run into the building and lock the door. Leela climbs a\npole and jumps onto the roof.]\n\n[Cut to: Building.]\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nKeep quiet so she doesn't hear us.\n\nHOODED FIGURE #2\nWhat's there to talk about?\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nShhh!\n\n[Leela stands behind them.]\n\nLEELA\nHands up! Tentacles too!\n\n[The other one puts her tentacles up.]\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nDon't say anything stupid, Morris.\n\nLEELA\nWhat is all this? Am I a game to you?\nOr some kind of even more boring Truman\nShow? Do you belive I'm you Messiah?\nYour Mutant Dali Lama? Stop me if I\nguess it!\n\nHOODED FIGURE #2\nWell actually there --\n\n[Hooded Figure #1 stops him.]\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nMorris! Shh!\n\nLEELA\n(angry) And what about this?! How did\nyou get this bracelet? Did you steal\nit from me when I was a baby? Or from\nmy parents. You robbed my parents, didn't\nyou? I bet you sick mutants killed them.\nMy parents were confused aliens lost\non Earth and you killed them! Is that\nit? Admit it!\n\nHOODED FIGURE #2\n(sombre) Yes. We killed them.\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nYou guessed the truth.\n\n[Leela screams.]\n\nLEELA\nBecause of you I'll never know my parents.\nI'll kill you!\n\n[She raises her gun.]\n\nHOODED FIGURE #1\nThat would be best.\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela charges her laser. It bleeps. The hooded figures\nhold each other.]\n\nFRY\nStop! Thanks Bender! Don't do it Leela!\n\nLEELA\nThey killed my parents!\n\nFRY\nClose.\n\n[He walks behind the hooded figures and pulls their hoods off.\nThey are the mutants from the flashback. Leela lowers her gun.]\n\nLEELA\nThey are my parents.\n\nMUNDA\nYes.\n\nFRY\nI had the Professor analyse the alienese\nletter that was found with you.\n\nLEELA\nWhat does it say?\n\nFRY\nI 'unno. But the analysis showed it\nwas printed on recycled toilet paper.\nA squeezably soft paper used mainly\nin the sewers.\n\n[Leela's mother takes the paper.]\n\nMUNDA\nIt says, \"Your parents love you very\nmuch\".\n\nMORRIS\nWe still do.\n\nLEELA\nSo, I'm not an alien? I'm a mutant.\n\nMORRIS\nWe never wanted you to know. You deserved\na better life.\n\nMUNDA\nYou must despise us.\n\nLEELA\n(crying) You're my parents. All I've\never wanted is to know you. This is\nthe happiest moment of my life.\n\n[They cry. It starts to rain.]\n\n[Cut to: New New York Street. It isn't raining - Bender is emptying\na spitoon on them.]\n\nBENDER\nAww!\n\n[Flashbacks. Over the flashbacks Pizzicato Five's Baby Love Child\nplays. Baby Leela crawls down a corridor at the Orphanarium and\nnearly falls down the stairs. Her father's arm comes out of the\nwall and turns her around. Young Leela sits at a desk in her\nroom studying. Her mother's tentacle comes through the toilet\nand puts a box of cookies on her desk. Leela smiles and eats\nthem. Adolescent Leela walks around New New York on her birthday\nwith no friends. Her mother puts a present on the pavement for\nher. She reads the message with it: Happy Birthday Leela. Mid-twenties\nLeela tosses and turns in bed. Her father puts his arm through\nthe laundry chute and pulls the sheet over her. She smiles and\ngoes to sleep.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Where-The-Buggalo-Roam.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 406\n\n\"WHERE THE BUGGALO ROAM\"\n\nBy\n\nJ. Stewart Burns\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Krafted With Luv By Monsters.]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars (\"Mightiest of Planets\")\nand lands just outside Wong Ranch (You've Come To The Wong Place).]\n\n[The Wongs' Porch. The entire Planet Express staff are there.\nLeela rings the doorbell and Mr. Wong slides a peephole across\nthe door.]\n\nMR. WONG\n(from inside) Yes?\n\nAMY\nHi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers.\n\nMRS. WONG\n(from inside) Open up, Leo. It's Amy\nand her weirdos.\n\n[He opens the door.]\n\nMRS. WONG\nHowdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!\n\n[The Wongs' Entrance Room. The staff look around the house.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks so much for inviting us, Mr.\nWong. I've never been to a Mars Day\nbarbecue.\n\nMR. WONG\nOh, Mars Day much better than Earth\nDay. Dump trash wherever you want! Big,\nempty planet!\n\nMRS. WONG\nOK, then. Make yourselves at home.\n\n[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is\nholding a green bottle.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDon't mind if I already did. By the\nway, do you have anymore of this Dom\nPerignon bubble bath? There was only\nenough to fill the tub halfway.\n\n[Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]\n\n[Wong Ranch. The Wongs and the staff pass a field where a man\nis rolling out fully-grown corn.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis is quite a large ranch you have.\n\nMR. WONG\n17.9 billion acres. We own entire western\nhemisphere. (whispering) That the best\nhemisphere!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's the same on Earth.\n\n[They all look over a fence at a herd of buggalo.]\n\nMR. WONG\nHere is most number one product of all:\nThe mighty buggalo. They used for everything;\nMeat, milk and their shells make good\nrow boat.\n\n[He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) I broke your television.\n\nHERMES\nMon, it must take forever to brand all\nthose cattle.\n\nMR. WONG\nNot really. We own so much stuff, it\neasier just to brand everything that\nnot ours.\n\n[He brands Hermes' briefcase with \"Not Property Of Wongs\" brand.]\n\nHERMES\nPlease don't do that.\n\n[Amy leaps over a fence to another buggalo. It is surrounded\nwith cushy things and has a ribbon around its neck.]\n\nAMY\nBetsy! This is my sweet, little Betsy.\nI raised her from a larva that ate one\nof my sweaters.\n\nMR. WONG\nYes, everybody love Betsy. We going\nto eat her at Amy's wedding. If she\never get married!\n\nAMY\nDad! Gleesh! Please don't say things\nlike that when you meet my boyfriend\ntonight.\n\nMR. WONG\nOh, that right. We finally get to spend\nsome time with this Mr. Kif.\n\nMRS. WONG\nI just hope he's a nice man who can\nmake us lot of grandchildren. This not\nsome parallel universe where you getting\nany younger.\n\n[Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus is orbiting Mars. Zapp and Kif talk.\nNear them is a photo of Amy.]\n\nZAPP\nNow, remember, Kif: The quickest way\nto a girl's bed is through her parents.\nHave sex with them and you're in.\n\nKIF\nActually, sir, I'm, I'm a little nervous\nabout meeting her family.\n\nZAPP\nWell that's natural. After all you're\nmeek and uninteresting. Until now you've\ngotten by on my left-over charisma,\nscrounging off it like a tiny charisma\nparasite.\n\nKIF\nI just hope they like me.\n\nZAPP\nAnd why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know.\nTiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me\nyour tedious life story, Kif. And above\nall have fun!\n\n[Outside Wongs' House. Lots of people have gathered at the ranch\nfor country music and barbecued buggalo on Mars Day. The DJ scratches\nsome country music.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah, yeah, get on down! Oh, yeah!\nDrop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla\nCorn!\n\nDJ\nYo, fool! It's Mixmaster Festus!\n\n[Mr. Wong puts more buggalo meat on the barbecue. A Pepto-Bismol\ntanker pulls up next to a BBQ Sauce tanker and unloads. Fry sets\nhis plate of buggalo down on a barrel and pumps some Pepto-Bismol\nonto it. He picks it up and walks over to the barbecue.]\n\nFRY\nSo what's Mars Day about, anyway?\n\nMRS. WONG\nIt commemorate the day centuries ago\nwhen our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong,\nbought Mars from stupid natives.\n\nLEELA\nHow can you call the Native Martians\n\"stupid\"?\n\nMR. WONG\nThey sell whole planet for one bead.\nSound stupid to me!\n\n[He, Mrs. Wong and Fry laugh.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat is stupid!\n\nLEELA\nI can't believe you're laughing at the\ntragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving\npeople.\n\nFRY\nLighten up, Leela. It's funny!\n\nLEELA\nOf course it is. But you don't have\nto laugh!\n\n[Amy and Kif stand by the buffet. Amy kisses him and he is startled.]\n\nKIF\nAmy, no! Not on your parents' planet!\n\nRJ\nHowdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come\nback to the country. It's where the\nflavour is.\n\n[Amy hugs him.]\n\nAMY\nRJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.\n\nRJ\nThis wimp? You've gone a long way, baby.\nCigarette, partner?\n\nKIF\nOh, I don't--\n\n[RJ puts one in Kif's mouth and he coughs.]\n\nRJ\nI haven't even lit it yet!\n\n[He lights it.]\n\nKIF\nOh. Is it lit now?\n\nRJ\nYep. You're pathetic!\n\n[Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHost-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful\ntime!\n\nMR. WONG\nYou here five hours and already you\ntear up couch, draw moustache on priceless\npainting and fill pool with brine shrimp.\n\nZOIDBERG\nNot bad for a city boy, huh? By the\nway, I took the liberty of fertilising\nyour caviar.\n\n[Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender\npours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass\non top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck\nand stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif\nstammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]\n\nAMY\nJust relax. I'm sure my parents will\nlove you.\n\nKIF\nYou don't understand. When I get nervous,\nI can't control my camouflage reflex.\nOh, dear! Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and\nbodkins!\n\n[Fry refills at the barbecue.]\n\nFRY\nI'll have a thorax and some feelers.\n\nMR. WONG\nYou want some salad with that?\n\nFRY\nYuck!\n\n[Amy and Kif arrive.]\n\nAMY\nMom? Dad? You remember Kif?\n\nMR. WONG\nThis your boyfriend? I have instant\ndislike of him!\n\nMRS. WONG\nHe too scrawny to father grandchildren.\n\nAMY\nHe's not scrawny, he's just small-boned.\n\nKIF\nActually, I don't have bones. I'm supported\nby a system of fluid-filled bladders\nthat--\n\nMR. WONG\nYes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy\nshould be dating real man. Like him!\n\n[He points to RJ over by a campfire.]\n\nKIF\nI can be manly too. I think I'll, uh,\nlight up a smoke.\n\n[He takes out a cigarette and lights it.]\n\nAMY\n(whispering) Wrong way!\n\n[Kif drags.]\n\nKIF\n(wheezy) Smooth!\n\n[He chokes, turns pale and collapses.]\n\n[Wong Ranch. Kif and Amy lean over a fence and watch the grazing\ncattle.]\n\nAMY\nLook on the bright side: My parents\nleft after you passed out so they didn't\neven see you barf.\n\nKIF\nOh, now they'll never think I'm manly\nenough to date their daughter.\n\n[He sobs.]\n\nAMY\nIt's OK, Kif. I'll go get you a tissue\nfrom your tote.\n\n[She walks off. RJ puts his hand on her shoulder and stops her.]\n\nRJ\nHey there, Amy. Like you to meet my\nbuddy, Joe.\n\n[Enter Joe Camel.]\n\nJOE\nSorry I'm late. My pool game ran long\nat the jazz club!\n\n[RJ laughs.]\n\nRJ\nKids love him!\n\n[Kif watches Amy laugh and growls.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Wong House. A loud noise that sounds like a\nvery long \"omm\" comes into earshot.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's that weird sound?\n\n[The noise gets louder. Wind blows down the \"Happy Mars Day\"\nbanner.]\n\nMR. WONG\nDust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody\ninto house. Hurry, before we die. And\nwipe your damn feet!\n\n[The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is inside. Mrs. Wong looks out of\nthe window.]\n\nMRS. WONG\nPhew! Everyone OK? No-one considering\nlawsuit?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm. I might have mental anguish.\n\nMR. WONG\nI'll have you know I'm friends with\nevery judge on planet.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm OK then.\n\nMRS. WONG\nStorm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo\nherd is OK.\n\n[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Mr. Wong opens the door and looks\nacross at the cattle. A tornado sweeps across the ranch, taking\nthe buggalo with it. Everyone gasps.]\n\nMR. WONG\nOh!\n\n[Cut to: The Wongs' Lounge.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat happened to the buggalo?\n\n[Mrs. Wong comes running.]\n\nMR. WONG\nThey been rustled under cover of storm.\nWe ruined!\n\n[Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[They push him away.]\n\nAMY\nDon't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK.\n\nMR. WONG\nOh, really? Who gonna save us? One-eye?\nLobster mooch? Drunken garbage can?\n\nHERMES\nThis sounds like a job for--\n\nKIF\nLieutenant Kif Kroker!\n\nHERMES\nAlright then.\n\n[He sits down and munches some crisps.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The other guests have left.]\n\nMR. WONG\nAye-ah! Those buggalo are what made\nWong family so rich and powerful. Oh,\nInez, with them stolen, we ruined!\n\nMRS. WONG\nOK. I want a divorce.\n\n[Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!\n\nAMY\nThey're not your parents, I'm not your\nsister and that's not your golf cart.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAw!\n\n[He reverses the golf cart away.]\n\nAMY\nEverybody just calm down. Kif promised\nhe'd catch the rustlers.\n\n[Enter Kif in cowboy gear.]\n\nKIF\nMrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief\nI could borrow?\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nKIF\nMy plan is to take all the remaining\nbuggalo and lead them on a rough, tough\ncattle drive. Then, when the rustlers\nattack, I'll make a citizen's arrest!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt sounds dangerous. Someone could get\nkilled. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you\nto go with him.\n\nFRY\nAw, man!\n\n[Leela sighs. Bender mocks Farnsworth.]\n\nKIF\nDon't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll\nget your cattle back or die trying.\n\nMR. WONG\nHey, we can't lose!\n\nAMY\nNo, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have\nto do this to prove your manliness.\n\nMRS. WONG\nOh, yes he does!\n\n[Wong Ranch. RJ leads some things towards Kif.]\n\nRJ\nHere are your mounts!\n\n[Leela rubs one of the things and it makes a squelching noise.]\n\nLEELA\nShe's got a fine coat.\n\nKIF\nNow, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers.\nHow many are left?\n\nAMY\nYou're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only\none left. She was curled up in my hamper\nwhen the storm hit. Aw, she likes you!\n\nKIF\nSaddle up, men. We got some no good\nrustlers to ... catch!\n\n[Mars Surface. Kif, Leela and Fry ride ahead while Bender sits\non a wagon playing a banjo and singing a Bonanza-like tune.]\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nWe've got a right to pick a little fight\nwith rustlers,\n\nSomebody wants to pick a fight with us,\n\nHe'd better bite my ass!\n\nFRY\nYee-haw!\n\nLEELA\nWow, look at that: Olympus Mons. The\ntallest volcano in the solar system.\n\nFRY\nWhere?\n\nLEELA\nRight in front of you.\n\nFRY\nOh. Oh!\n\nKIF\nWe'll camp near the top. The rustlers\nwill be sure to spot us there.\n\nFRY\nWhere?\n\n[Olympus Mons. The party have set up camp for the night. Bender\ntells a ghost story around the campfire.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd even thought the computer was off\nand unplugged, an image stayed on the\nscreen. It was ... the Windows logo!\n\nFRY\nPfft, that's not scary!\n\nBENDER\nIt is if you're a laser printer.\n\nLEELA\nOK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once,\nthere was this woman driving--\n\nFRY\nHook on the hand!\n\nKIF\nOK, I've got one. This family--\n\nFRY\nMan in the attic!\n\nLEELA\nFine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally,\nyou tell a story!\n\nFRY\nWith pleasure. (spookily) Once, not\nfar from here, four people set out on\na cattle drive--\n\nBENDER\n(speaking fast) Robot gets bored and\nkills Fry with a hammer! (normal) Sorry,\ngo on.\n\n[Time Lapse. Someone peers through the bushes.]\n\nFRY\nAnd then, while they sat helplessly\naround the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding\nescaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant\nsnuck up and--\n\nAMY\n(from bushes) Surprise!\n\n[Fry, Bender, Kif and Leela scream. Amy comes out of the bushes.]\n\nKIF\nAmy? What are you doing here?\n\nAMY\nI forgot to give you something before\nyou left.\n\nKIF\nWhat?\n\n[Amy kisses him and his camouflage kicks in.]\n\nAMY\nIs that your camouflage reflex or are\nyou just happy to see me?\n\n[Time Lapse. Amy and Kif are lying down at the top of the mountain\nlooking at the stars.]\n\nKIF\nI love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly.\nI have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of\ncourse, I tell no one my feelings.\n\nAMY\nBut you still have them, right?\n\nKIF\nOh, yes. But I keep them inside until\nI can write them in my diary.\n\nAMY\nAh, it's a wonderful night.\n\nKIF\nIt sure is. I could just lie here beside\nyou staring at the sky all night.\n\nAMY\nI can't! What's that?\n\nKIF\nMaybe we just made love.\n\n[Amy and Kif look over the rim of the volcano and into the crater.]\n\nAMY\nThe buggalo! They're in the crater.\n\nKIF\nThe rustlers must have seen me coming\nand run off, scared.\n\nAMY\nOh, Kif! You're so brave!\n\nKIF\n(nervous) Sh! They'll hear us!\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning. Kif pulls a wire from a mineshaft\non the side of the volcano.]\n\nKIF\nOK, the dynamite's in place.\n\nAMY\nAre you sure there's no other way to\nget the buggalo out?\n\nLEELA\nNot unless your parents have thousands\nof helicopters at their disposal.\n\nAMY\nWell actually--\n\nBENDER\nToo late! This is more fun!\n\n[He detonates the dynamite and the buggalo are blown out of the\ncrater. They roll down the side of the volcano.]\n\nAMY\nKif! You did it! But how did you know\nthe dynamite would work?\n\nKIF\nI once took a seminar in ejecting chickens\nfrom a sand dune. The principle is essentially\nthe same.\n\n[The noise returns.]\n\nFRY\nHey, it's that \"barbecue's over\" sound\nagain.\n\n[Dust flies up and the tornado blows towards them.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Sandstorm! We're in the\neye of the storm!\n\nFRY\nWhere?\n\nBENDER\nWhat's that?\n\n[There is a buzzing noise. Three Martians come through the tornado,\nriding flying buggalo. They have blue-grey skin and the tops\nof their heads look like Native American headgear has been fused\nto their head. Amy screams.]\n\nFRY\nMy God!\n\nLEELA\nWho are they?\n\n[The lead Martian, Singing Wind, raises his hand.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nFehk! We are the Native Martians.\n\n[Everyone except Fry gasps. After a late reaction, he also gasps.]\n\nFRY\nAlso, I didn't know buggalo could fly.\n\nSINGING WIND\nOnly those who revere Mother Mars can\nfly buggalo. And only they shall have\nbuggalo. And they're us.\n\nKIF\nBut your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo\naren't yours. They belong to the Wong\nfamily.\n\nSINGING WIND\nYou mean family that took all Martian\nland and gave us one lousy bead?\n\nAMY\nUh-huh! Amy Wong. And you are?\n\nSINGING WIND\nMad at Wong family! We plan to ruin\nthem by stealing buggalo. But now we\ntake girl instead.\n\n[Two other Martians pick up Amy and they fly away.]\n\nAMY\nWait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!\n\n[The Martians fly away.]\n\nKIF\nAmy! Nooo!\n\n[He cries.]\n\nBENDER\nDon't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other\nbeautiful, rich girl will fall in love\nwith you.\n\n[Bender laughs and Kif cries.]\n\n[Wong Ranch. The buggalo are returned and Kif closes the gate\nbehind them.]\n\nMR. WONG\nHooray! You bring back cattle.\n\nKIF\nYes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got\nsome bad news as well.\n\nMRS. WONG\nLet Amy tell us. That way it soften\nthe blow. Why Amy being so quiet?\n\nKIF\nUm ... well, um ... that is, um...\n\n[A smaller tornado whips by and drops a piece of paper in front\nof Mr. Wong. He picks up.]\n\nMR. WONG\nOh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! I know\nit them 'cause they no use good grammar.\n\nKIF\nI'll get your daughter back, sir. I\nswear.\n\nMR. WONG\nForget it, squishy. You the one lose\nher in first place. You done enough.\n\nMRS. WONG\nYeah. This time we get most decorated\nlaw man in the whole universe!\n\nKIF\nYou mean--? Oh, no, please. I beg you!\nOh, for the love of--\n\n[The Wongs' Lounge. The law man has arrived.]\n\nZAPP\nI am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan,\nat your service!\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nMRS. WONG\nPlease, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go\nget our daughter back.\n\nZAPP\nVery well. I'll clean up Kif's mess.\nI shall go bargain with the Martian's\npersonally. Your gasps intrigue me.\nExplain.\n\nMR. WONG\nMartians have no land. They been gently\nencouraged to live on reservation deep\nunderground. No-one ever dare go there.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis mission is incredibly dangerous.\nSomeone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela,\nBender--\n\nBENDER\nDamn you, old man!\n\n[Mars Surface. Zapp, Kif, Leela, Fry and Bender trek across the\ndesert again. Betsy catches up with them and rubs against Kif.]\n\nLEELA\nAw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif!\n\nZAPP\nI didn't realise you were bringing your\ngirlfriend, lieutenant!\n\n[He sniggers and Kif sighs.]\n\nKIF\nShe won't leave me alone.\n\nZAPP\nDid I say \"girlfriend\"? She sounds more\nlike a wife!\n\n[There is silence. A tumbleweed blows by.]\n\n[Time Lapse. They reach a cliff and look over the edge.]\n\nZAPP\nBehold: The Great Stone Face of Mars.\n\nFRY\nHm.\n\nZAPP\nThe only known entrance to the Martian\nreservation.\n\nLEELA\nWhat about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?\n\nZAPP\nWell, yeah, but it's way over the other\nside of the planet.\n\n[Time Lapse. They prepare to walk through one of the nostrils.]\n\nZAPP\nNose-ward, ho!\n\n[Cut to: Martian Reservation. The nose begins to get darker.\nThey mumble. They are surrounded by torches. They gasp. It gets\nlighter and they see they are surrounded by Martians with bows\nand laser-arrows. Singing Wind walks in.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nFehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the\nMartian tribe.\n\nZAPP\nTake me to your leader.\n\n[The Martians stare blankly at him.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nMoving along. Why you trespass on our\nland?\n\nZAPP\nWe come to negotiate the release of\nAmy Wong. And just to clarify: Land\nis the stuff that has sky over it.\n\n[He drinks from a Slurm can and throws it down. A Martian cries\n\u00e0 la the Native American in those American public service advertisements.]\n\nLEELA\nThey have such respect for the planet.\n\nMARTIAN\nCynthia used to drink Slurm.\n\n[Singing Wind claps and Martians come in holding Amy.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nWe will give back girl when we get back\nplanet surface.\n\nZAPP\nHow do we even know she's alive?\n\nAMY\nI'm fine.\n\nZAPP\nSh! You're weakening our bargaining\nposition. How about instead you give\nus the girl and we carve a bunch of\nour presidents into your sacred mountain?\n\nSINGING WIND\nYou waste words. We want return of land\nthat was taken from us.\n\nBENDER\nUh, actually you traded it for a bead.\n\nSINGING WIND\nTribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse.\nWe want land back!\n\nZAPP\nChief, my people are a people of law.\nAnd that law is ... ... no backsies!\n\nSINGING WIND\nThe time for stupid statements is over!\n\n[He and the other Martians make the \"omm\" noise. The dust picks\nup.]\n\nZAPP\nOh, boy!\n\n[Cut to: Mars Surface. The Great Stone Face's mouth opens and\nthe tornado blows the sand away, revealing a Great Stone Body.]\n\n[Cut to: Martian Reservation. Dust blows in Leela's face.]\n\nLEELA\nOw, ow, ow, ow! My eye!\n\n[She puts in some eye drops.]\n\n[Mars University. The tornado blows down the \"Knowledge Brings\nFear\" sign and strips away the Martian statue to a skeleton.]\n\n[Wong Ranch. Zoidberg looks out the window.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMa! Pa! Our precious ranch!\n\n[Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]\n\n[Martian Reservation. Singing Wind gives a signal and the tornado\nsucks up Amy.]\n\nKIF\nAmy, no! It's too windy! Stay calm,\ndearest! I'll save you!\n\n[He flies Betsy into the tornado.]\n\nAMY\nKif! You're flying Betsy!\n\nKIF\nNeed a lift?\n\n[Amy grabs hold of his face and stretches it.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nGreat Mother Mars! He has the gift!\n\n[He gives a signal and the Martians stop making the noise and\nthe tornado dies away. Kif lands Betsy. Zapp, Leela, Fry and\nBender cheer.]\n\nLEELA\nYay, Kif!\n\nZAPP\nKroker, that was one Brannigan-esque\nfeat of heroism!\n\nSINGING WIND\nWe have misjudged you, green one. You\nfly the buggalo like us. You have true\nreverence for Mother Mars. Let there\nbe peace between us.\n\nMARTIAN #2\nYes. Let us smoke on peace pipe.\n\nKIF\nSmoke-em?\n\n[Martian Tent. Singing Wind smokes the pipe and passes it to\nKif.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nHere, take.\n\nKIF\nOoh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch.\n\nSINGING WIND\nYou must smoke peace pipe. And you must\ndo it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.\n\nKIF\nWell it's just really that I don't feel\nthat--\n\nZAPP\nDon't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers\nall smoke and they seem pretty on the\nball.\n\n[Kif takes a puff and everyone cheers.]\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\nZAPP\nYes, sir!\n\nBENDER\nWay to suck it!\n\nKIF\nHey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest!\nOh, monkey trumpets!\n\n[Martian Torture Chamber. Kif is held down on a rack with rope.]\n\nSINGING WIND\nYou have coughed at our offer of peace.\nSo you must die!\n\nMARTIAN #2\nThe very bead used to crush our dreams\nshall be used to crush your bones.\n\nKIF\nWell, actually, I don't have bones.\nI'm supported by a system of fluid-filled\nbladders that--\n\n[The Martians ignore him and turn away. The roof opens and Kif\nscreams. The bead is lowered in and he whimpers.]\n\nFRY\nWait. That's the bead you traded your\nland for?\n\nLEELA\nIt's a gigantic diamond! That thing\nmust be worth a fortune.\n\nSINGING WIND\nReally?\n\n[The diamond stops and Kif sighs. Bender takes a look at the\ndiamond through an eye glass and stutters.]\n\nBENDER\nOh, Chief, you've made me the happiest\ngirl in the world!\n\n[He hugs Singing Wind and he immediately pushes him away.]\n\nAMY\nY'know, if you still want your land,\nwe could just trade back for it.\n\nSINGING WIND\nHmm. We always thought bead was worthless.\nWe assumed our ancestors were cheated\nbecause they not have concept of ownership.\n\nBENDER\nSo we can have the diamond?\n\nSINGING WIND\nNo. We do have concept of ownership.\nYou are free to go. Sorry about all\nthe rustling and kidnapping.\n\nLEELA\nBut what about your sacred land?\n\nSINGING WIND\nLand shmand! We don't wanna live on\nthis planet. It's a dump. We'll buy\nnew planet and act like it's sacred.\nWith cash like this, who's going to\nargue? Nobody, that's who!\n\n[The Martian ships fly away from Mars with the diamond in tow.]\n\n[The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is back.]\n\nAMY\nThen Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from\nthe tornado and made peace with the\nMartians.\n\nMR. WONG\nPlease! He too much of a wimp.\n\nMRS. WONG\nYeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan\nhere.\n\nZAPP\nPlease, you give me too little credit.\n\n[Kif sighs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCaptain Brannigan, you're always welcome\nhere at Rancho Zoidberg!\n\n[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his\nhead on a post and scoffs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nMoney doesn't make good people, no siree!\n\n[Time Lapse. Later that night, Amy comes out onto the porch.\nKif is sat on the porch swing.]\n\nAMY\nThanks for saving my life, Kif. You're\nmy hero.\n\nKIF\nOh, you're kind. But your parents still\ndon't like me.\n\nAMY\nWell globviously! But if they liked\nyou then I wouldn't. Don't you know\nanything about girls?\n\n[They kiss. The buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets\nup and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]\n\nKIF\nDear diary, I just made love for the\nsecond time!\n\n[He closes his diary and hugs it.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Pharaoh-To-Remember.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 407\n\n\"A PHARAOH TO REMEMBER\"\n\nBy\n\nRon Weiner\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Psst...Big Party At Your House After\nThe Show.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, Bender, Leela, Fry, Scruffy\nand Amy are gathered around watching the TV.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nUp next, daring daylight robbery at\na municipal swimming pool.\n\nBENDER\nOoo! This is it! Turn me up!\n\n[Leela uses the remote to change Bender's volume control to maximum.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nEarlier today a foul mouthed bandit\nrobbed the municipal pool, making off\nwith the contents of over three lockers.\n\nBENDER\nMore like three lockers and a sink!\n\nLEELA\nBender? Did you have something to do\nwith this?\n\n[Hermes notices something Bender is wearing.]\n\nHERMES\nHoly spitz! He's sportin' skintight\nspeedos!\n\nAMY\nThey don't leave much to the imagination.\n\nHERMES\nActually on a robot they sorta do.\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nOne puny human got a look at the robber...\n\n[Bender leans forward and rubs his hands together.]\n\nBENDER\nHere we go here we go!\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\n...describing him as a short, nasty,\nmuscular...\n\nBENDER\nYeah make me famous big head!\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\n...Caucasian human male.\n\n[A picture appears on the screen of someone who looks nothing\nlike Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat?\n\n[He takes Fry's beer bottle and throws it at the TV.]\n\nFRY\nHey! Now what am I supposed to watch\nand drink all day?\n\nBENDER\nThis is an outrage. What's the point\nof pulling the biggest pool caper ever,\nif nobody knows you did it?\n\nFRY\nWell there's the material rewards.\n\nBENDER\nYou mean this junk?\n\n[He opens his chest cabinet and water floods out along with a\nbeach ball, a float, a bikini top and a small child.]\n\nBOY\nWheeee!\n\nBENDER\n(crying) All I ever wanted was for people\nto remember my name... (hoarse) it's\nBender.\n\n[Farnsworth, sat at the table, looks up from a book.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh fuff! What's the point in remembering\nsomething? You're just going to forget\nit five seconds later.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) It's so unfair. A debonair\nrobot with a zesty in-your-face outlook\ndoomed to obscurity like the rest of\nyou especially Leela! If I died tomorrow,\nno one would even notice.\n\n[He slides out of the room on the float.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nBoy, I've never seen him so down - or\never before.\n\n[Cut to: Street. Bender walks sadly down the busy street.]\n\nBENDER\nHow does a nobody like me get famous?\nI know! Hey look! I'm stuck! But I\nhaven't given up hope! Call a soft news\njournalist!\n\nWOMAN\nYou're not stuck.\n\nBENDER\n(sadly) Shut up.\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender sees a group of roller-skaters ahead of him\ndancing. Skates come out of his shoes and he starts dancing.]\n\nBENDER\nHey everyone do The Bender! This move's\ncalled The Bender!\n\n[Everyone stops skating.]\n\nROLLER-SKATER\nYo hotwheels, this circle's about free\nexpression, not fascist moves!\n\n[He pushes Bender away.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender comes to the end of the street and sees a\nwhite, windowless building ahead of him. He gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nA blank wall! Fame is mine!\n\n[He runs towards the building, takes his head off and shakes\nit like a spray-paint can. His legs extend upwards towards the\ntop of the building and he chuckles as he starts to spray his\nlegacy onto the wall.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning Bender stands back and admires\nhis work. He has sprayed a huge picture of himself onto the wall\nalong with \"Bender Lives Large And Kicks Butt!\"]\n\nBENDER\nThere, now no one will forget how I\nlived or my attitude regarding butt.\n\n[Behind him a crew of demolition workers arrive.]\n\nSAL\nAlrights ladies let's flush these artists\nlofts straights to hell!\n\n[He turns a switch and cracks appear in the building.]\n\nBENDER\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[The building collapses and Bender's picture folds inwards \u00e0\nla Mad Magazine fold-ins. The picture of him has turned into\na giant butt and the writing reads \"Bender Licks Butt.\" The demolition\ncrew laugh.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Bender enters the darkened lit only by\nlight streaming through the window.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm the first one to work. A new low.\n\n[The lights go on and the crew, dressed in black, jump out from\nbehind the sofa.]\n\nALL\nSurprise!\n\n[Behind them is a coffin, a wreath, a bannner reding \"R.I.P.\nBender\" and a photo of one of Bender's mug shots.]\n\nFRY\nHappy funeral Bender!\n\n[Bender gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nA surprise funeral? For me?\n\n[Fry pats him on the shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nWe just wanted to show you that you\nreally will be remembered.\n\n[Bender climbs in.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo! Cushiony! And a minibar!\n\n[Hermes plays a jazzy tune and Fry stands in front of the congregation.]\n\nFRY\nDearly beloved, we are here today to\nremember Bender, taken from us in the\nprime of life, when he was crushed by\na runaway semi, driven by the Incredible\nHulk.\n\nBENDER\nAww, you knew my favourite cause of\ndeath!\n\nFRY\nNow let us each remember the best things\nabout Bender in our own way. Professor?\n\n[Farnsworth stands up and clears his throat.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYour standard Bending Unit is made of\nan iron-osmium alloy. But Bender was\ndifferent. Bender has a point-04% nickel\nimpurity.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) It's what made me me.\n\n[Hermes stands up and takes Farnsworth's place.]\n\nHERMES\nIf you ever needed a small package brought\ninot the country without a lot of X-raying\nand such, Bender always had a free body\ncavity.\n\nBENDER\nEh, the Professor's was better.\n\nLEELA\nBender shush. You're supposed to be\ndead.\n\n[Bender sits up.]\n\nBENDER\nSay more about how great I am. And where's\nthe crying? You people look like you're\nwaiting for the bus.\n\n[He lies back. Zoidberg makes a bagpipe noise with his mouth\nflaps.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(singing) Oh Danny-boy! The pipes, the\npipes are calling...!\n\n[Bender sits up again.]\n\nBENDER\nWho-y-boy?\n\nZOIDBERG\n(singing) ...From glen to glen and down\n-\n\nBENDER\nDanny-boy? You're at my funeral, singing\nabout some dead stiff named Danny-boy?\nYou really are a massive bonehead.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm expressing my sorrow.\n\nBENDER\nGet lost. I'd say \"Don't quit your day\njob!\" but you're awful at that too.\n\nLEELA\nWe're trying our best.\n\nBENDER\nYour best is an idiot. Let's pick it\nup people. So far it's been crap after\ncrap! I croaked now show me some love!\n\n[He lies down again. Amy stands up.]\n\nAMY\nBender was a truly special -\n\nBENDER\nLouder and sadder.\n\nAMY\n(shouting) Bender was a truly special\n-\n\nBENDER\nNext!\n\n[Amy walks away crying. Preacherbot takes her place.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nDear Lord -\n\nBENDER\nOh next!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(singing) Oh Danny-boy!\n\n[Bender throws his glass at him. It breaks on his head and Zoidberg\ncries out in pain. Bender sits up.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on, surely there must be someone\nhere who knows how great I was.\n\n[Fry stands up.]\n\nFRY\nYes there is Bender. Bender was a lot\nof things to a lot of people, but looking\nback, the number one thing I can say\nabout him is this, and simply this:\nBender was my friend.\n\n[Bender pauses in horror.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat? That's it? Who are you? You're\nnobody! This is the worst funeral ever!\nI hope you're all happy. You've succeeded\nin convincing me life is worth living\n- by showing how bad my funeral will\nsuck.\n\n[He throws some flowers off the coffin and walks out. The flowers\nland on Farnsworth's lap.]\n\nAMY\nI know who's funeral we'll be attending\nnext!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(bashful) Oh stop!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender sits reading Sullen Robot Magazine\nwhile Leela uses his hand to tighten a nut on the ship's steps.\nEnter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNews everyone! Today you're going to\nOsiris 4 to deliver this enourmous sandstone\nblock.\n\n[He points to a massive block right next to him that is bigger\nthan the ship.]\n\nFRY\nI thought something looked different\nin here.\n\n[Bender throws down his magazine, mutters to himself and walks\nonto the ship.]\n\n[The ship flies towards Osiris 4 with the sandstone block tied\nto the top of the ship. It lands in a desert on the planet.]\n\n[Osiris 4 Surface. Leela pulls the ropes away from the block.\nFry talks to an Osiran and two Egyptian dog-like creatures. The\nman wears something similar to ancient Egyptian jewellery and\nhis hair looks like it is made of solid gold.]\n\nFRY\nHi, we have a giant stone to deliver\n- sign here.\n\n[He hands the man a clipboard and he signs the invoice with an\nancient Egyptian heiroglyph.]\n\nOSIRAN\nAh, very nice. Much like the 10 million\nother identical stones used in the future\ntomb of our great Pharaoh Hermenthotip.\n\n[He points to a sandstone building which is under construction.]\n\nLEELA\nImpressive, who's building it?\n\nOSIRAN\nYou.\n\nLEELA\nSay again?\n\nOSIRAN\nYou are now slaves of the great Pharaoh\nHermenthotip. Guards.\n\n[The guards shackle the crew to a pole and carry them away.]\n\nFRY\nCall it a hunch but, I've got a bad\nfeeling about this.\n\n[Slave Boat. The slaves row a boat down a river past other slaves.\nThe slaves are shackled to benches.]\n\nFRY\nYou know the worst thing about being\na slave? They make you work but they\ndon't pay you or let you go.\n\nLEELA\nThat's the only thing about being a\nslave!\n\nOSIRAN\nAttention. You are now possessions of\nthe great Pharaoh Hermethotip, heir\nto the 10th dynasty, bringer of the\ngood aspects of the annual floods.\n\nFRY\nIncredible. This place is just like\nthe Ancient Egypt of my day.\n\nOSIRAN\nThat is no coincidence. For our people\nvisited your Egypt thousands of years\nago.\n\nFRY\nI knew it! Insane theories: one! Regular\ntheories: a billion!\n\nOSIRAN\nWe learned many things from the mighty\nEgyptians, such as pyramid building,\nspace travel and how to prepare our\ndead so as to scare Abbott and Costello.\n\n[Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nAlso Wolfman!\n\n[Bender whistles, impressed.]\n\nBENDER\nLook at these swanky tombs! These people\nreally know how to die!\n\nLEELA\nAre you crazy? They worked thousands\nof people to death to make these stupid\nmonuments.\n\nBENDER\nHey, you spend you're whole life building\na guy's toe and you're gonna remember\nhim! I think I'm gonna like it here!\n\n[Market. Fry, Leela and Bender walk through the market with the\nOsirian behind them. A man makes an enquiry at a Lose Weight\nNow - Ask Me How stall.]\n\nMAN #1\nYeah, I uh, noticed your sign and I\nthought I'd come over here and look\ninto getting involved in your program.\n\nMAN #2\nWhat we do is make you starve to death.\n\n[Outside Hermenthotip's Tomb. The slaves pulls the giant sandstone\nblock.]\n\nOSIRAN\nOne two three - pull! One two three\n- pull!\n\n[He whips them again. The Australian man from the Spa 5 labour\ncamp is with them.]\n\nAUSTRALIAN GUY\nAw, bloody chunder!\n\nBENDER\nPick it up people, we're enslaved here\nto do a job. Master? Do we have to count\nto three every time? Couldn't we just\ncount to one. Or better yet one half?\n\nOSIRAN\nGood idea slave. One half - pull!\nOne half - pull!\n\n[He whips them.]\n\nBENDER\nNow we're slavin'!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry pushes a block up the side of the tomb and Leela\npulls one up using a rope and a pulley. The Osiran stands on\ntop of the block and whips her as she pulls.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Back at the bottom of the tomb they pull another\nblock.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on guy's, Pharaoh's countin' on\nus. Work faster, like this. You call\nthat motivating me? Don't just whip\nwith your arms. The power comes from\nyour hips. Like this.\n\n[He takes the whip and whips himself. The rest of the slaves\narrive with the block.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, quit giving the slave drivers\npointers!\n\nFRY\nYeah, remember who your real friends\nare.\n\nBENDER\nI'll tell you who I remember. Enupsis!\nPleeltut! Whatsisname! He was the greatest\nof all.\n\n[He salutes the tomb. Some horns blow.]\n\nOSIRAN\nPharaoh Hermenthotip approaches.\n\n[The slaves bow. The horn blowers are whipped and they blow again.\nHermenthotip's boat is carried from the water by slaves who were\nunderneath it the whole time. They gasp for air.]\n\nBENDER\nHurry! Hurry! Pharaoh's coming! Get\nthat nose in place, come on!\n\n[The slaves haul the nose onto the tomb. Hermenthotip walks off\nthe boat and the slaves bow. He walks past them and looks at\nthe tomb.]\n\nHERMENTHOTIP\nExcellent work! I am very proud of all\nyou slaves.\n\n[Bender stands up and cheers.]\n\nBENDER\nWoohoo! Viva Hermenthotip!\n\nHERMENTHOTIP\nAnd now, I have a grand announcement.\nIn honour of your achievement, you're\nall hereby -\n\n[The nose falls off the tomb and crushes him. The slaves gasp.]\n\nBENDER\n(screaming) Nooo!\n\n[He runs forward and lifts the nose away from the Pharaoh.]\n\nHERMENTHOTIP\n(hoarse) Tell the slaves they can all\ngo.\n\nBENDER\nGo faster? I told them but they're so\ndamn lazy.\n\nHERMENTHOTIP\n(hoarse) No. I mean they are all free.\n\nBENDER\nFreeloading off you? I agree.\n\nHERMENTHOTIP\n(hoarse) No, I -\n\n[He dies. The slavedriver puts a sheet over his body.]\n\nOSIRAN\nPharaoh Hermenthotip is dead.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) He's whippin' angels now.\n\n[Time Lapse. Night has fallen and hndreds of slaves are gathered\nfor Hermenthotip's funeral. Fry, Bender, Leela, the Australian\nGuy and some other slaves carry Hermenthotip's coffin and lower\nit into a hole.]\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nWe commend the body of Hermenthotip\nto the abode of the damned. The damned\ngood looking! Pharaoh commanded me\nto tell that joke at his funeral.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I'll always remember you Hermenthotip!\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nTo equip Pharaoh for his journey we\nbury him with his favourite possessions.\nSuch as his heart and liver. And the\nmany goods he left in his royal garage.\nAlso, this bag of cat's our culture\nconsiders holy.\n\n[He tosses that in too.]\n\n[Time Lapse. An pseudo-Elton John singer plays a piano and sings\na song dedicated to the Pharaoh.]\n\nSINGER\n(singing) Pharaoh my God-king you are,\ncold and deceased. I used to have him\nsing...P-P-P-Pharaoh and his pets...but\nthe years went by and Pharaoh died,\nSuzie will have joined him in the afterlife\n-\n\n[The High Priest pushes him into the hole.]\n\nOSIRAN\nHermenthotip is gone, the time to designate\na new Pharaoh is at hand.\n\n[The tomb lights up.]\n\nBENDER\nWow!\n\nOSIRAN\nAt dawn tomrrow the high priest will\nconsult the Wall Of Prophecy to determine\nHermenthotip's successor.\n\n[He points across the river at the wall which has been lit up.]\n\nBENDER\nWoo!\n\nOSIRAN\nThat concludes the funeral. You don't\nhave to go home but you can't stay here.\n\n[Liberty Meadows Slave Quarters. The slaves sit around in a room.]\n\nFRY\nCan you believe it? Pharaoh's dead!\n\nSLAVE #1\nYes! Tonight we are slaves to no one\n- except the rhythm!\n\n[He starts playing some bongos. The Australian Guy stands up\nand plays some panpipes and another slave plays a tamborine.]\n\nLEELA\nYeah! Play those bongos!\n\nFRY\nI'm gonna spin til I fall down!\n\n[It doesn't take long. Bender laughs insanely and sneaks out.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Liberty Meadows Slave Quarters. Bender sees\nthe dog-guards, with their backs to him. He takes a ball out\nof his chest cabinet and throws it. The dogs see it and run after\nit, barking. Bender runs off in the opposite direction.]\n\n[Wall Of Prophecy. Bender sneaks around to the front of it and\ntakes a hammer out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nBENDER\nWe interrupt this prophecy to bring\nyou late breaking bulletin. He hammers\nthe back of his head and creates and\nimprint of himself on the wall.\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning the High Priest and four others\nstand in front of the wall and the slaves watch.]\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nGreat Wall Of Prophecy, reveal to us\nGod's will that we will blindly obey.\n\nPRIESTS\n(chanting) Free us from thought and\nresponsibility.\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nWe shall read things off you.\n\nPRIESTS\n(chanting) Then do them.\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nYour words guide us.\n\nPRIESTS\n(chanting) We're dumb.\n\n[The slaves watch from below.]\n\nFRY\nYou know what else stinks about being\na slave? The hours.\n\n[Leela covers her face with her hand in disbelief.]\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nThe prophecy is strange and...crudely\ndrawn at best. It indicates that, we\nare \"here\" and our next Pharaoh is over\nthere near some...tents.\n\nBENDER [FROM REEDS]\nThose are waves jackass, it's supposed\nto be a river!\n\n[The slaves murmur to each other.]\n\nFRY\nHey, I think I know who the next Pharaoh\nis!\n\nLEELA\nOh Lord!\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nWe hear your voice great Pharaoh. Reveal\nyourself to us.\n\n[Bender stands up.]\n\nBENDER\nBehold! I have emerged from the place\nof spells and fairies!\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nIt is he. Just as the Wall Of Prophecy\nprophesied. Long live Pharaoh Bender!\n\n[All the slaves except Fry and Leela bow.]\n\nSLAVES\n(chanting) Long live Pharaoh Bender!\n\nLEELA\nThis society is a bunch of idiots.\n\n[Outside Pharaoh's Palace. The High Priest and priests stand\non a balcony addressing the slaves.]\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nPeople of Osiris 4, please welcome a\nman who started as a slave but worked\nhis way up to lord of all creation!\nOur new Pharaoh - Bender!\n\n[The crowd cheers and Bender dances out to a riff of The Bangles'\nWalk Like An Egyptian.]\n\nBENDER\nCitizens of Me! The cruelty of the old\nPharaoh is a thing of the past. Let\na whole new wave of cruelty wash over\nthis lazy land.\n\n[The crowd cheers then realises what he has said.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat did he say?\n\nBENDER\nHear the word of Pharaoh. Build unto\nme a statue of ridiculous proportion.\nOne billion cubits in height......that\nI might be remembered for all eternity.\nAnd be quick about it!\n\n[The slaves are whipped.]\n\n[Bender's Statue. Fry and Leela crawl along the floor with Bender\nsat on a throne on their backs. An old slaves struggles as he\npulls some logs.]\n\nBENDER\nLowly slave. Why are you not working?\n\nSLAVE #2\nI am.\n\nBENDER\nI meant yourself to death.\n\nSLAVE #3\nMighty Pharaoh, it hurts when I breathe.\n\nBENDER\nWell then what do you think you should\nstop doing? Crawl pigs!\n\n[He whips them.]\n\nLEELA\nOw!\n\n[They crawl forward.]\n\nBENDER\nThe Pharaoh has spoken.\n\n[Montage The slaves haul Bender's statue's massive leg upright\n\u00e0 la The Ten Commandments as he watches from his palace. The\nground shakes as the leg is moved into position. He whips two\narchitects as they look at the design for the statue's ass. Fry\ntakes a \"1\" to a \" - Days Since Last Accident\" sign. But instead\nof hammering the 1 on he hammers his hand to the sign. The 1\nfalls to the ground and Fry bends down to pick it up but can't\nreach it.]\n\n[The statue is almost finished. The statue's foot is positioned\nso it looks like it is about to crush Hermenthotip's tomb. Up\nin space the slaves, in spacesuits, lift Bender's antenna ball\nto the top of the statue. Bender floats near them wearing a jet\npack.]\n\nBENDER\nYour task is nearly completed. Don't\nlet down Pharaoh now.\n\n[He whips them and glides away.]\n\n[Literal Foot Of Bender's Statue. A stage has been set up and\nthe Osirian and the priests stand next to something covered with\na sheet.]\n\nOSIRAN\nThe great monument is finished oh Pharaoh.\nAnd now, the unveiling.\n\n[He pulls a sheet away revealing Bender underneath it. Bender\nlooks up at the statue. Skeletons are sticking out of the foot.\nThe statue speaks in a booming voice and it's mouth lights up\nwith each syllable.]\n\nSTATUE\nRemember me. Remember me. Remember\nme.\n\nOSIRAN\nDoes it please you my lord?\n\nBENDER\nHmm...its a good start. Uh...yeah it's\ndefinately big alright. I just wonder\nif it's too big y'know? I mean, are\npeople gonna be remembering me or the\nstatue?\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nBut sire, we made it to your exact specifications.\n\nBENDER\nToo exact if you ask me. Tear it down\nand start again. But this time don't\nembarrass yourselves.\n\n[He takes a sip of his drink. The Osiran walks behind him and\nhe and the priests mutter something to each other. They jump\nforward and wrap Bender in bandages. The High Priest turns to\nthe crowd.]\n\nHIGH PRIEST\nLadies and gentlemen, the Pharaoh...suddenly\ndied!\n\n[The slaves cheer and the priests throw Bender into his tomb.]\n\nLEELA\nGood riddance.\n\nBENDER [FROM TOMB]\nWhat about my servants?\n\nPRIEST\nOh yeah.\n\n[They throw in Fry and Leela and seal the tomb.]\n\n[Cut to: Bender's Tomb. Fry and Leela hit the hard floor. Leela\nlights a match and Bender stands in front of the still wrapped\nin the bandages.]\n\nFRY\nBender, I really hope that's you. 'Cause\nif it isn't......we're in trouble!\n\n[Bender pulls som bandages away from his face.]\n\nLEELA\nYou jerk. Why'd you have to drag us\nalong?\n\nBENDER\nI wanted to watch you remember me.\n\n[He turns a light on. The entire tomb is fitted out like a casino.]\n\nLEELA\nDid you really think you'd need all\nthis junk in the afterlife?\n\nBENDER\nAfterlife? Pfft. If I thought I had\nto go through a whole other life I'd\nkill myself right now!\n\nLEELA\nWell rot in peace. Fry and I are leaving.\n\nBENDER\nSorry but we're totally sealed in.\nNothing can get in or out. Except millions\nof snakes. Here, have a pomergranate\nscnapps from my private distillery and\nstart sharing fond memories of me, Bender.\n\n[Fry drinks some but spits it out.]\n\nFRY\nWhat proof is this? Some huge number?\n\n[Leela lights the drink and it explodes.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's explosive! Maybe we could escape\nby setting fire to the distillery and\nblowing this whole place to rubble!\nLet's get a little kindling going!\n\n[She breaks away part of the leg and stacks the wood underneath\nthe distillery. Bender dives in front of her.]\n\nBENDER\nNo! You can't blow up my monument, I\nwon't be remembered.\n\nLEELA\nOh right, how selfish of me. We'll just\nstay here forever. Hey Fry, remember\nthat robot \"Bender\"?\n\n[She nudges him.]\n\nFRY\nBend-er? Doesn't ring a bell. Did you\nhear something Leela?\n\nLEELA\nNo. But I bet it wasn't someone who\nwas good at stealing.\n\n[Bender hits his head.]\n\nBENDER\nStop it stop it! It's not right! You've\ncrossed a line!\n\nFRY\nHey Leela you know who I remember...?\n\nBENDER\nOh please, let it be me!\n\nFRY\n...That guy who used to bend things.\nYou know...?\n\nBENDER\nMe, please!\n\nFRY\n...Hermes.\n\nBENDER\nAlright alright! If it means that much\nto you, blow up my statue!\n\nLEELA\nOh Bender! When did you come in? Hold\nstill! Let's blow this tomb!\n\n[She lights the bandage.]\n\n[Cut to: Osiris 4 Surface. The statue starts to shake and the\nfoot splits apart. Bender, Leela and Fry run through the hole\nand past some slaves.]\n\nSLAVE #1\nPharaoh Bender! He once more walks among\nthe living!\n\n[They run up the ship's steps.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela presses some buttons and the ship\ntakes off. Bender looks at his statue through the windscreen\nas the ship rises past it.]\n\nSTATUE\nRemember me!\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I will. I will. Please, just\nleave me alone.\n\n[He turns around, hugs Leela and bursts into tears.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, I understand your desire to\nbe remembered. But you don't need a\nstatue for that.\n\nBENDER\n(crying) I don't?\n\nLEELA\nNo. You have your legacy as a brutal\ntyrannical dictator. And that will outlive\nany monument.\n\nBENDER\nYou really think they'll remember me?\n\nFRY\nAbsolutely.\n\nBENDER\nWell in that case. One planet down!\nHelmsman...\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship.]\n\nBENDER [FROM SHIP]\n...set course for Earth!\n\n[The ship flies towards a planet and he laughs insanely.]\n\nLEELA [FROM SHIP]\nThat's not Earth.\n\nBENDER [FROM SHIP]\nOh.\n\n[The ship zooms away from the planet.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Godfellas.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 408\n\n\"GODFELLAS\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Please Turn Off All Cell Phones And\nTricorders.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship streaks away from Earth and Leela casually\nhums to herself whilst Fry monitors the controls. The ship suddenly\nshakes and the two are thrown to the floor. An alarm wails and\ntwo ships fly past and prepare to turn around. Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nSpace pirates!\n\nFRY\nSpace pirates?\n\nLEELA\nYou know, pirates - but in space.\n\n[The two ships look like old fashioned pirate ships and even\nhave sails. They circle the Planet Express ship and fire cannon\nballs at it causing dents along the hull.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. A pirate appears on the screen.]\n\nPIRATE [ON SCREEN]\nAvast mateys!\n\n[Cut to: Pirate Ship. The pirate has three parrots along his\nshoulder and has four legs, three of them wooden.]\n\nPIRATE\nElectronically transfer your space doubloons\nafore I send thee to Davey Jarg's locker!\n\n[He lights a cannon and sets it off.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. A dent appears in the wall\nnext to Bender's hammock and he wakes up.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Hey! Keep it down you kids!\nI'm trying to take a nap!\n\n[He reaches over to a shelf and picks up a box of ears plugs\nand takes two out. Then he reaches over to another box, pulls\nout two ears, attaches them to his head and puts the ear plugs\nin.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry lines up an eyesight to one of the\npirate ships.]\n\nFRY\nCome on, come on.\n\n[The eyesight locks on to the ship and Fry fires. The controls\nlook just like an old arcade game. Outside one of the pirate\nships explodes. Fry watches it.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room. Bender walks towards tube #3 and\nopens it.]\n\nBENDER\n(muttering) ...make Bender take a nap\nin a tube. (sexfully) Come back when\nI've had some sleep baby!\n\n[He closes the tube door.]\n\n[The pirate ship chases the Planet Express ship and the two ships\nexchange fire. Leela steers the ship around and manages to get\nbehind the pirate ship.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nFry to battlestations. Fire torpedo\nnumber three.\n\nFRY\nFiring torpedo number three!\n\n[He flicks a switch, turns a knob, presses a button and selects\n3 on an old fashioned telelphone dialier.]\n\n[Cut to: Torpedo Tube #3. Bender wakes up.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh? What?\n\n[He races forward with flaming feet.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. He flies out of the torpedo tube screaming.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry and Leela watch Bender through the\nwindscreen.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's not torpedo three. That's not\ntorpedo three at all.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. Bender screams.]\n\nBENDER\nDamn you Fry and Lee......la!\n\n[The pirate ship starts to spin widly out of control. The pirate\nlooks through the window sadly.]\n\nPIRATE [FROM SHIP]\nToo late do I realise that my children\nare my only real treasures.\n\n[The ship explodes. Bender carries on flying.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Help! Mechanical man overboard!\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nGo after him Leela!\n\n[Leela pushes the throttle forward. The ship's engines struggle\nbut they go no faster.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's no use. We were going full speed\nwhen we fired him so he's going even\nfaster than that.\n\nFRY\nYou mean we can never catch up to him?\nNot even if we rub the engine with cheetah\nblood?\n\nLEELA\nI don't know how to say this Fry. But\nBender is doomed to drift through space...forever.\n\n[Fry looks ahead through the windscreen.]\n\nFRY\n(solemn) He always wanted to drift forever.\nBut through the American Southwest.\n\n[Bender continues flying through space still holding the bag\nof swag.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm going too fast. I've gotta lose\nmomentum. Ohh. I'm gonna spend eternity\nalone with barely any swag. Ooo! Hey\nuniverse! Check out the dude with the\nrolex! Wow! Ostentatious! Except what\ngood is a candelabra without - wait\nI know! Ah the pity. Fated to drift\nforever through the void as gravity's\nplaything. Oh cruel fate, to be thusly\nboned. Ask not for whom the bone bones.\nIt bones for thee. The only thing that\nkeeps me sane is the thought that I\nhave all eternity in which to perfect\nmy art. Ohh! Damn you!\n\n[He picks up the candelabra and uses it to smash up the piano.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender scratches something onto his door. It is\nsomething similar to the sketch on the Pioneer space probe. But\nthe man and woman have a huge Bender standing above them growling.]\n\nBENDER\nThere. Now when I'm found in a million\nyears people will know what the score\nwas. Hey what's bombarding me? Oh\nno! An asteroid field. If even a pea\nsized asteroid were to whiz through\nmy skull it could - Ow! Hurt slightly!\nWell that was fun. Now for eons of\nloneliness.\n\n[Time Lapse. Muffled voices come from Bender's door.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh?\n\n[Several tiny things come from the asteroid on Bender's door.\nHe zooms in. They are little people.]\n\nSHRIMPKIN PRIEST\nFellow Shrimpkins, behold he who hath\ntaken us unto his breast.\n\n[The Shrimpkims chatter.]\n\nBENDER\nHoly frijoles!\n\nSHRIMPKIN PRIEST\nAll bow before the great Metal Lord!\n\n[The Shrimpkins bow.]\n\nBENDER\nWorshippers? This ought to liven up\nmy endless tragic voyage.\n\n[He laughs insanely.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nSHRIMPKIN PRIEST\nAll hail the Metal Lord!\n\nSHRIMPKINS\n(chanting) So hailed!\n\nBENDER\nHmm, those peewees think I'm God huh?\nHard to blame 'em! I am the Metal Lord.\nWho are you?\n\nMALACHI\nI am called Malachi, Lord. It means,\num, \"He who really loves the Metal Lord.\"\n\nBENDER\nListen here Malachi. Time for a religious\ndonation. Hand over your wallet.\n\nMALACHI\nBut Lord. We are a poor and simple folk.\n\nBENDER\nPoor? Oh crap.\n\n[He takes Malachi off his eyes and zooms into the Shrimpkin village\non the asteroid. On the porch of Malachi's home his wife cross-stiches\nsomething and his children play.]\n\nMALACHI'S WIFE\nWhat art thou doing Malachi Jr?\n\n[Malachi Jr hugs a big pot.]\n\nMALACHI JR\nI'm practising to hug daddy when he\ngets back from God. Mmm! Mmm!\n\n[Bender retracts his eyes.]\n\nBENDER\nEck! Gag unto me with a spoon! Malachi,\nit's high time I laid down a few commandments.\nYou got a chisel? Take this down. Number\none -\n\n[Time Lapse. Malachi stands on a rock before the other Shrimpkins\nholding a stone tablet.]\n\nMALACHI\nBehold: The One Commandment.\n\n[He holds up the tablet. Written on it is \"God Needs Booze.\"]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Make it a double!\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth sniffs around on the smelloscope.]\n\nFRY\nCan you find him Professor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. I'm afraid the smelloscope isn't\npowerful enough. Bender's odour is so\nmild it's being overpowered by local\nsources.\n\n[He, Fry and Leela glare at Zoidberg. He jumps up and claps with\ndelight.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray, people are paying attention\nto me!\n\n[Fry walks towards the window and puts his hand on the glass.\nEnter Amy, Hermes and a robot.]\n\nAMY\nFry, we brought someone to cheer you\nup.\n\nHERMES\nHis name is Helper and he's eager to\nbe your new best friend.\n\n[Helper looks a little bit like Bender but is more blocky looking.]\n\nHELPER\nHello there chum. I understand you miss\nyour buddy! Have a pudding pop!\n\nFRY\nNo that's I don't -\n\nHELPER\nWho wants to go to an amusement park?\n\nFRY\nWell, I guess that sounds OK.\n\nHELPER\nHave a good time. Hey, I hear your friend\nBender is back.\n\nFRY\nWhat? Really?\n\nHELPER\nNo. I just thought you would enjoy that\nfor a moment.\n\n[Bender drifts through space to Also Sprach Zarathustra. On his\nbody a huge beer tower has been built and the Shrimpkin village\nhas grown to include several fields.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender tastes the Lordweiser beer from the tower.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo! Microbrewed! My guys did alright!\nI think I'll make my countenance to\nshine down upon them! Malachi, good\nwork. There's no slowing down with the\nMetal Lord tonight.\n\nMALACHI\nYes, tonight is kind of special.\n\nBENDER\nWait a second. Did you rip off your\nown arm as a joke?\n\nMALACHI\nNay. Like most of your followers I was\nmaimed while building the great brewery.\nOthers died from the pestelent fumes\nit spewed forth. And of course, the\nliquor industry attracted organised\ncrime.\n\n[Mobsters drive past Malachi's home shooting at each other. Malachi's\nwife gasps, picks up a gun and shoots at the cars. Bender watches.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, it's all my fault. Malachi, tell\nthy people that the Lord is moved by\ntheir plight.\n\n[A tear drops from his eye. In the Shrimpkin village the tear\nlooks huge. It rushes towards the Shrimpkins and they scream\nand run out of its way. The tidal wave washes through the village\nand sweeps away Malachi Jr. He grabs hold of a branch. The villagers\ngasp.]\n\nMALACHI'S WIFE\nMalachi Jr, no!\n\nMALACHI JR\nDaddy, I can't hold much longer. My\narms are tired from hugging.\n\n[Malachi, back with his wife, falls to his knees.]\n\nMALACHI\nSave him! Save my son oh Metal Lord!\n\n[Bender rolls up his sleeves.]\n\nBENDER\nThis looks like a job for God! What\nthe? Malachi, what manner of deal is\nthis with the chanting?\n\nMALACHI\nThey saw you save my son. Now everyone\nis praying for their own miracles.\n\n[Bender sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nVery well. What do they want?\n\nMALACHI\nThe people of that village pray for\nwealth.\n\n[Bender pulls out a Coolio coin and tosses it to the Shrimpkins.\nIt flattens several houses. Bender screams and picks the coin\nup again. He looks under the ruined houses.]\n\nBENDER\nUm, that was a practice miracle. Who's\nnext?\n\nMALACHI\nThe farmers pray for sunlight so that\ntheir barley might make a more refreshing\nbeer for today's God on the go.\n\nBENDER\nVery well. Let there be light.\n\n[He closes his eye visor and reflects a star's rays onto the\nfarmers' fields.]\n\nFARMER #1\nYippee!\n\nFARMER #2\nHooray!\n\n[The fields burst into flames and so do the farmers.]\n\nBENDER\nI got it I got it! Um, when you're\nwriting the Bible, you might want to\nomit that last miracle.\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge. Fry picks up a photo of Bender holding\nhim over the side of the Statue Of Liberty's torch. He sighs.]\n\nFRY\nHe decided not to let go. I can't believe\nyou're gone. I won't! If I can't reach\nyou physically, I'll just have to try\nsomething desperately crazy!\n\n[First Amalgamated Church. Fry sits in the priest's office.]\n\nFRY\nSo that's my story Father Changstein\nel Gamahl. Is there anything religion\ncan do to help me find my friend?\n\nPRIEST\nWell, we could join together in prayer.\n\nFRY\nUh-huh but is there anything useful\nwe can do?\n\nPRIEST\nNo.\n\n[Gypsy's Caravan. Fry revisits the fairground Gypsy that helped\nBender find out more about the Werecar virus.]\n\nGYPSY\nSure I hold s\u00e9ance, channel your friend\nno problem. Insert coin. I am your\nfriend...Bonder.\n\nFRY\nBonder? Is it really you?\n\nGYPSY\nYes. I am fine. Give the gypsy $10.\n\nFRY\nWait a minute. Bender's name isn't Bonder,\nit's Bender. You're a fraud!\n\nGYPSY\nLook, you want false hope or not?\n\nFRY\nOnly if you don't have any real hope.\n\nGYPSY\nWell, there is perhaps one way. Have\nyou heard of the Monks Of The Shubah?\n\nFRY\nI've not heard of them.\n\nGYPSY\nThey are an ancient order who believe\nGod exists in the depths of space. They\nhave built the universe's most powerful\nradio telescope, high in the Himalayas,\nto search for him.\n\nFRY\nYou think they'd let me use it to look\nfor Bender?\n\nGYPSY\nWhat am I psychic? I mean yes! Yes,\nI'm sure they will. Yes.\n\n[Bender swims through space to The Blue Danube.]\n\nMALACHI\nOh Metal Lord, hear my prayer.\n\n[Bender sighs.]\n\nBENDER\n(irrate) Yes Malachi what is it this\ntime?\n\nMALACHI\nMy Lord, the infidels on your back no\nlonger believe in you. They say their\nprayers go unheeded.\n\nBENDER\nOf course they're unheeded how am I\nsupposed to hear prayers coming out\nof my ass?\n\nMALACHI\nThey talk of war against the faithful.\nI beseech thee. Rise up against them,\nsmite someone who deserves it for once.\n\n[Bender sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nMalachi, every time I interfere I only\nmake things worse. You're best off solving\nyour own problems.\n\nMALACHI\nBut, but Metal Lord.\n\nBENDER\nWhat part of \"nay\" doesn't thou understand?\n\n[Ed's Hiking Supplies & Spelunketeria. Fry talks to a salesman\nbehind a counter.]\n\nFRY\nSir, I'm outfitting an expedition to\na monestary high in the Himalayas. I'll\nneed a long sleeved coat.\n\n[The salesman hands him a coat.]\n\nLEELA\nLook, I miss Bender almost half as much\nas you do but you can't bring him back\nthis way. It's hopeless.\n\nFRY\nYou can't give up hope just because\nit's hopeless. You gotta hope even more\nand cover your ears and go \"blah blah\nblah blah blah blah blah!\" (shouting)\nI'd also like a pack mule.\n\nSALESMAN\n(shouting) At once sir!\n\n[He pulls down a fully equipt mule from a high shelf.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, you obviously won't listen to\nreason, so I guess I'll listen to idioticness\nand come with you. But we'll need a\nSherpa to guide us.\n\n[The salesman reaches up to the high shelf with the hook and\njabs the Sherpa. He screams.]\n\n[On the porch of his home Malachi sits with his children and\nwife and they read The Bible. By Bender With Malachi. On the\nfirst page is a picture of Bender boxing a lion.]\n\nBENDER\nNow that's one Bible that doesn't disappoint\non every page! Looks like my society's\nrunning pretty well without my meddling\n- huh? Atomic bombs? Oh no! Those unbelievers\nfrom my backside must have found my\nnuclear pile!\n\nMALACHI\nFear not my Lord, we shall be with you\nsoon.\n\nBENDER\nYou're with me now. This is the maximum\nlevel of being with me!\n\nMALACHI\nWe will solve our own problems as you\ncommanded. The time has come to convert\nthe unbelievers.\n\nBENDER\nConvert them?\n\nMALACHI\nTo radioactive vapour!\n\n[Missile launchers rise up from the ground, fire and destroy\nthe village on Bender's ass.]\n\nMALACHI JR\nLook Daddy! I'm hugging God! Mmm! Mmm!\nMaybe if I hug him real hard he'll save\nus from -\n\n[A radioactive shockwave vapourises the family and Bender cries.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) No! (laughing) Ooo it tickles!\n\n[He laughs some more and sighs.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nBENDER\nHello? Is anyone still alive? How about\nin the porno theatre? Don't be embarrassed.\n(crying) They're dead. All dead. Who\nwould have known playing God could have\nsuch terrible consequences?\n\n[He cries some more.]\n\n[Himalayas. The Sherpa, Fry, Leela and the mule walk through\nthe blizzard. The wind howls and the mule groans.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Fry, if I drop dead from\nexhaustion make sure my body freezes\nin a dignified position. None of that\nhuddled over for warmth crap.\n\n[Time Lapse. They reach the summit. Fry gasps. In front of them\nis a huge radio telescope and in he middle is the monastery.]\n\nSHERPA\nBehold. The Monastery Of The Shubah.\nI must leave you now for I am not holy\nenough to enter.\n\nFRY\nOK.\n\n[He bleches and spits. He and Leela walk towards an old wood\nand rope bridge.]\n\nLEELA\nLooks rickety. We'd better test it.\n\n[She pats the mule and it steps onto the bridge. The bridge moves\nforward like a moving walkway.]\n\nFEMALE VOICE\nWelcome to our monastery. Please stand\nto one side to let faster pilgrims by.\n\n[Behind the mule Fry and Leela tap their feet impatiently.]\n\n[Bender is still crying. He hears a beeping and looks up.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, that galaxy's signalling in binary!\nI gotta signal back! But I only know\nenough binary to as where the bathroom\nis. (shouting) You speak English?\n\nGALAXY\nI do now.\n\n[It pulls Bender towards it.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat are you some kind of galactic computer?\n\nGALAXY\nPossible. I am user friendly. My good\nchum.\n\nBENDER\nWho built you?\n\nGALAXY\nI have always been.\n\nBENDER\nOh my God. Are you God?\n\nGOD\nPossible. I do feel compasson for all\nliving things. My good chum.\n\nBENDER\nBut why would God think in binary? Unless...you're\nnot God, but the remains of a computerised\nspace probe that collided with God.\n\nGOD\nThat seems probable.\n\n[Monastery Of The Shubah. The radio dish tilts as the monks search\nthe sky.]\n\nMONK #1\nA member of our brotherhood sits at\nthese controls every hour of every day,\nscanning the heavens for God.\n\n[Monk #2, bored out of his skull, controls the dish. Suddenly\nhe sees something.]\n\nMONK #2\nThere he is! No. No, wait, no.\n\nLEELA\nHow long have you been at it?\n\nMONK #1\n700 years. We've not yet examined one\nten-millionth of the sky. But we will\ngo on until we find the Almighty, even\nif it takes until the end of time.\n\nFRY\nAnd then what?\n\nMONK #1\nThen we utter unto him a short prayer.\nYou see, the telescope is also an amplifying\ntransmitter.\n\nLEELA\nSort of like a giant kareoke machine?\n\nMONK #1\nNot really. Would you like to see our\ngiant kareoke machine?\n\nLEELA\nNot really.\n\nFRY\nHmm, finding God, that - that's important,\nyeah. But you know what might be a treat\nfor everyone? If you let me use the\ntelescope to find my lost friend Bender.\n\nMONK #1\nI don't know what to say, other than\nabsolutely not. Your loss is a tragedy\nbut our work -\n\nFRY\nAw c'mon, you guys have forever to look\nfor God. All I'm asking is one measley\nlifetime to find my friend.\n\nMONK #2\nHe speaks out of love for his friend.\nPerhaps that love in his heart is God!\n\nMONK #1\nOh how convenient. A theory about God\nthat doesn't require looking through\na telescope. Get back to work!\n\nFRY\nThat telescope is as much mine as it\nis anybody's. I'm using it whether you\ngive me permission or not.\n\n[The four monks take up kung fu positions. Leela jumps forward.]\n\nLEELA\nHeyya! You're order may be famous for\nit's martial arts. But I've never met\na holy man I couldn't clobber.\n\nMONK #1\nActually we only practice martial arts\nas a form of meditation. We are a strictly\nnon-violent sect.\n\nLEELA\nOh. Then get in the laundry room or\nI'll kick your butts!\n\n[They file into the laundry room.]\n\nMONK #3\nThis is the worst crazy sect I've ever\nbeen in.\n\n[Fry slams the door behind them.]\n\n[Bender talks to God.]\n\nBENDER\nSo, do you know what I'm gonna do before\nI do it?\n\nGOD\nYes.\n\nBENDER\nWhat if I do something different?\n\nGOD\nThen I don't know that.\n\nBENDER\nCool cool! I bet a lot of people pray\nto you huh?\n\nGOD\nYes, but there are so many asking so\nmuch. After a while you just sorta tune\nit out.\n\nBENDER\nY'know, I was God once.\n\nGOD\nYes I saw. You were doing well until\neveryone died.\n\nBENDER\nIt was awful. I tried helping them.\nI tried not helping them but in the\nend I couldn't do them any good. Do\nyou think what I did was wrong?\n\nGOD\nRight and wrong are just words. What\nmatters is what you do.\n\nBENDER\nYeah I know, that's why I asked if what\nI did - forget it.\n\nGOD\nBender, being God isn't easy, if you\ndo too much, people get dependent. And\nif you do nothing, they lose hope. You\nhave to use a light touch, like a safecracker\nor a pickpocket.\n\nBENDER\nOr a guy who burns down the bar for\nthe insurance money.\n\nGOD\nYes, if you make it look like an electrical\nthing. When you do things right, people\nwon't be sure you've done anything at\nall.\n\nBENDER\nDoes that mean you wouldn't send me\nback to Earth even if I prayed to you?\n\nGOD\nEarth? Which way is that?\n\n[Bender looks around.]\n\nBENDER\n(sadly) I don't know.\n\n[Monastery Of The Shubah. Fry frantically turns the radio dish\naround and shouts into the microphone.]\n\nFRY\nBender? Bender?\n\n[The monks knock on the door.]\n\n[Fry yells into the microphone.]\n\nFRY\nHello? Has anyone out there seen Bender?\n\nLRRR [ON SPEAKER]\nNo, quit asking.\n\nLEELA\nFry, it's been three days. And even\nif you stay here the rest of your life,\nthere is virtually no chance of finding\nhim. It's time to give up.\n\nFRY\n(sadly) You're right. I'm never gonna\nsee him again. I know he was evil and\non more than one occasion he, he actually\nstole my blood. But still, I wish I\nhad Bender back.\n\n[Pullback: The radio telescope echos his words into the depths\nof space and in a pullback lifted from Contact the signal reaches\nGod. Bender is asleep.]\n\nGOD\nHuh?\n\n[Bender wakes up.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh? Wha? You say something?\n\nGOD\nNo, no. Well so long. Remember what\nwe talked about.\n\n[He straps a parachute to Bender and throws him towards Earth.\nBender screams.]\n\n[Cut to: Himalayas. Fry and Leela make their way down the mountain.\nBender screams and falls through the atmosphere. Fry gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nHot hot hot hot!\n\n[He screams and the parachute opens and he lands on the mountain\nnext to Fry and Leela. He is glowing red hot.]\n\nFRY\nBender! It's a miracle! Ow!\n\nLEELA\nThis is by a wide margin the least likely\nthing that has ever happened.\n\nBENDER\nGuys, you'll never believe what happened.\nFirst I was God then I met God!\n\nFRY\nWe climbed a mountain and locked up\nsome monks.\n\nLEELA\nOh no the monks. We forgot to let them\nout of the laundry room.\n\nFRY\nDo we have to? I mean they're monks.\nI'm sure their God will let them out\nor at least give them more shoes to\neat.\n\nBENDER\nFat chance. You can't count on God for\njack. He pretty much told me so himself.\nNow come on. If we don't save those\nmonks no one will!\n\n[He takes off his parachute and starts back up the mountain.]\n\n[Pullback: In another pullback, this time lifted from Men In\nBlack, God chuckles to Himself.]\n\nGOD\nWhen you do things right, people won't\nbe sure you've done anything at all.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Future-Stock.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 409\n\n\"FUTURE STOCK\"\n\nBy\n\nAaron Ehasz\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Love It Or Shove It.]\n\n[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. A man attatches a \"5\"\nto a sign reading \"Planet Express tockholders Meeting\" so the\nthird word reads \"5tockholders.\"]\n\nMAN\nYes, good thing I noticed the similar\nshapes.\n\n[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. Hermes hosts\nthe stockholders meeting. Present are the Planet Express crew\nand Hattie.]\n\n[The curtain opens and he pushes him forward.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOhh!\n\n[The stockholders cheer.]\n\nAMY\nThere he is!\n\nHATTIE (SHOUTING)\nTake it off!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhere am I?\n\nHERMES\nMove forward. Walk into the light.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh God! I'm dead. Well, no matter.\n(reading) Thank you all for coming.\nI don't recognise any of you, nor can\nI recall why I am here. Now without\nfurther ado, a film highlighting Planet\nExpress Inc.'s latest fiscal year.\n\n[The stockholders applaud and a film comes on showing the Planet\nExpress ship flying over some water away from a sunset.]\n\nNARRATOR [IN FILM]\nPlanet Express is on the move. For this\nyoung, hip delivery compnay, tomorrow\nis today and today is yesterday. You\nheard me. It was a year of soaring\nprofits and significant one time losses.\n\n[The ship takes off from Amazonia and immediately crashes.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'll not only help you find it, I'll\nhelp you do more to it!\n\n[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. Fry and Zoidberg walk\nout of Ballroom A and Fry sees a sign outside Ballroom B.]\n\nFRY\nOoo, a bot-mitzvah. Shalom hunger, shalom\nfree food!\n\n[He walks in and Zoidberg follows. A robot blocks Zoidberg's\npath.]\n\nROBOT #1\nNo shellfish!\n\n[He slams the door.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat is so unfair!\n\nPIG\nTell me about it.\n\n[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom B. The Jewbots\ndance around the bot-mitvah bot and Fry gets some food from the\nbuffet.]\n\nFRY\nSo what's the deal? You guys don't believe\nin Robot Jesus?\n\nROBOT #2\nWe believe he was built and that he\nwas a very well programmed robot but\nhe wasn't our Messiah.\n\n[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. The film is\nstill going on. The Planet Express ship soars into space with\nfireworks trailing behind it.]\n\nNARRATOR [IN FILM]\nAnd so our company flames onwards. Planet\nExpress: Limitless potential, boundless\nhorizons, the unstoppable juggernaut\nof the corporate universe.\n\n[The Planet Express ship passes through a ring and forms the\ncompany logo. The film ends.]\n\nHERMES\nIt's been a terrible year people. The\ncompany is on the verge of bankruptcy.\n\n[The stockholders gasp.]\n\nLEELA\nBut the movie -\n\nHERMES\nWas a substantial loss for the company.\nThe blue slice represent s the money\nwe earned from shipping packages while\nthe green slice represents an $8 bank\nerror in our favour.\n\nLEELA\nThis toads the wet sprocket. What about\nour thousands of shares of stock?\n\nHERMES\nWorthless.\n\n[The stockholders gasp.]\n\nBENDER (SHOUTING)\nI'll kill you!\n\nHATTIE\nI own one share of Planet kajiggers\nso I'm entitled to some answers. Question\n1: Why does no one visit me in my home?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip\nand cat pee.\n\n[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. Fry sees a sign outside\nBallroom C for a cryogenic support group. He gasps.]\n\nFRY\nThis is perfect for me.\n\n[He was actually looking at the free food sign underneath. Zoidberg\nfollows him in.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nQuestion: Do you have to have been cryogenically\nfrozen to get the free - You didn't\nlet me finish. I was going to say \"to\nget the free food.\"\n\n[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom C. Fry gobbles\ndown the food at the buffet while the support group discusses\nthings.]\n\nJOE\nMy name's Joe and I'm a defrostee.\n\nEVERYONE\nHello Joe.\n\nJOE\nWhen I was frozen giant carrots ruled\nthe Earth. But now they don't. It takes\nsome getting used to.\n\n[He sits down and the group applauds. Fry has sat down with a\nplate of food. Another man stands up.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nBack in the 1980's I was the toast of\nWall Street. I was having whiskey with\nBoesky and cookies with Milken. But\nthen, I was diagnosed with terminal\nboneitis.\n\nFRY\nBoneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for\na horrible disease.\n\nTHAT GUY\nThere was no cure at the time. One drug\ncompany was close but I arranged a hostile\ntakeover and sold off all the assets.\nMade a cool hundred mil. Naturally\nI froze myself until a cure was found.\nNow here I am, ready to sleaze my way\nback to the top, 80's style!\n\n[He sits down next to Fry.]\n\nCAVEMAN\nAs a caveman frozen in a glacier I face\ndifferent challenges. (crying) The hardest\nthign was seeing my wife on display\nin the British Museum.\n\n[The group murmurs.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nSure do! We can dance!\n\n[He hums the Safety Dance tune and they both laugh.]\n\nFRY\nY'know that dance wasn't as safe as\nthey said it was.\n\nTHAT GUY\nI tell you, two go-go 80's Reganauts\nlike us, we could rule this world!\n\nFRY\nNo question.\n\nTHAT GUY\nIf only someone would give us a shot.\n\nFRY\nThey're scared of our raw power. Oh\nbut if you want a job, I could beg everyone\nat the company where I work.\n\nTHAT GUY\nAwesome. Awesome to the max!\n\n[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. Enter Fry and That\nGuy.]\n\nHERMES\nAnd finally, the post office meter is\nfor business mail only.\n\nBENDER\nAw come on! I got a lot of ransom notes\nto send!\n\nHATTIE\nEnough talk. It's time for action. I\nmove that everyone come to my apartment\nto snuggle my cat.\n\nSCRUFFY\nSecond.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI move that your cat stinks and is ugly.\n\nSCRUFFY\nSecond.\n\nHATTIE\nI move that we vote on a new Chief Executive\nOfficer and oust this old creep. And\nalso that make cat smells good and is\npretty.\n\n[Scruffy thinks.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nSecond.\n\nHERMES\nVery well. I nominate the Professor.\n\nAMY\nSecond.\n\nLEELA\nSecond.\n\nBENDER\nSecond.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm your man.\n\nLEELA\nI vote my 10,000 shares for the Professor.\n\nHERMES\nYeah the Professor!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMe!\n\n[Hermes writes 50,000 on a chart for Farnsworth.]\n\nFRY\nI nominate That Guy. Not just because\nhe has a suit but because he knows about\nbusiness and stuff and he has a tie.\nMy shares still count if they went\nthrough the washing machine right?\n\n[Hermes starts a new chart for That Guy next to Farnsworth's\nand write 10,000 under his name.]\n\nHERMES\nWell, if I know anything about which\nnumber is bigger than the other number,\nI'd say that -\n\nSCRUFFY\nHold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000\nshares for the mysterious stranger.\n\nLEELA\n40,000? How come you have four times\nas much stock as the rest of us?\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy believes in this company.\n\n[He sniffs and wipes away a tear. Hermes changes That Guy's score\nto 50,000.]\n\nHERMES\nThen we have a tie. And in the event\nof a tie the Professor, as the current\nCEO remains -\n\nHATTIE\nI demand the floor. I may only have\none share but I get to vote same as\nanyone. And I'm voting against the cat\nhater. Isn't that right kitty? Hey!\nYou ate my change!\n\n[She shakes the cat and the money inside it jingles. Hermes changes\nThat Guy's score to 50,001.]\n\nHERMES\nThen it's settled. The new chief executive\nofficer of Planet Express corporation\nis That Guy.\n\n[That Guy hums Safety Dance.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nHERMES\nPlease welcome our new chief executive\nofficer, That Guy.\n\n[Fry applauds and hoots. The rest of the crew glare at him.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nLet's cut to the chase. There are two\nkinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone\nwho's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?\n\nZOIDBERG\nUh excuse me? Which is the one people\nlike to hug?\n\nTHAT GUY\nGutsy question, you're a shark. Sharks\nare winners and they don't look back\n'cause they don't have necks. Necks\nare for sheep. I am proud to be the\nshepherd of this herd of sharks and\nI am gonna lead you to the top of this\nindustry of...of...\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nPackage delivery.\n\nTHAT GUY\nPackage delviery? Oh God! Fantastic!\nNow the first order of business is to\nblame everything on the guy before me.\nProfessor?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'll ruin you like I ruined this company.\n\nTHAT GUY\nTerrific. Question number one: What\nwas your overall business plan?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, um, uh business plan, uh, yes. I\nkeep it here - right next to my heart.\n\n[He opens a drawer and pulls out a file next to a jar with a\nheart in it. He hands the file to That Guy.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nThis isn't a business plan, it's an\nescape plan.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSo long suckers!\n\n[He climbs down a ladder and runs across the hangar floor laughing\ninsanely.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nFry, as a fellow 80's dollar jockey,\nI'm making you my new vice chairman.\n\n[Fry cheers.]\n\nFRY\nI'm rollin' up the corporate ramp.\n\nBENDER\nOhh!\n\nZOIDBERG\nIt's the end of the line!\n\nHERMES\nWe're ruined!\n\nSCRUFFY\nWhat fevered dream is this that bids\nto tear this company in twain?\n\n[He leans back and starts reading National Pornographic.]\n\n[Outside Giorgio Armonster. Exit Fry and That Guy from the shop\nsporting 80's style suits. The monster waves them off.]\n\nMONSTER\nThank you come again!\n\nTHAT GUY\nThat's what I call a hostile makeover!\nHair gel?\n\nFRY\nNo thanks I make my own.\n\n[He slicks his hair back.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nThis company's gonna shoot straight\nto the top and stay there! Like Cindy\nLauper! I ask you: Who is the number\none delivery service on Earth?\n\nZOIDBERG\nIs it Planet Express master?\n\n[That Guy laughs.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nIs this guy a shark or what? Seriously\nthough we stink out loud. Here's the\nbig enchirito. Mom's Friendly Delivery\nCompany.\n\nHERMES\nWe can't compete with Mom! Her company\nis big, and evil. Ours is small and\nneutral.\n\nTHAT GUY\nSwitzerland is small and neutral. We're\nmore like Germany; ambitious and misunderstood.\n\nAMY\nLook, everyone wants to be like Germany\nbut do we really have the pure strength\nof will?\n\nTHAT GUY\nI say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves\nbe beaten by an old lady?\n\n[Zoidberg bows.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes my liege!\n\nFRY\nNo we're not. And as vice chairman,\nI believe I speak for the entire board\nwhen I issue this challenge to Mom.\nLook at my butt!\n\n[He presses it up against the window and cheers.]\n\n[Cut to: Mom's Office. Mom, Walt, Larry and Igner look out the\nwindow.]\n\nMOM\nYou call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit\nthe retaliate button.\n\n[Walt looks at a control panel.]\n\nWALT\nUh, um, hmm lets see.\n\nMOM\nAny button they all retaliate!\n\n[Walt presses a random button.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Mom's Building. The sign on the top of the building\nwith Mom bottle-feeding a parcel like a baby suddenly turns eeevil.\nThe bottle turns towards the Planet Express ship and fires lasers\nat it. The crew scream from inside and the ship flies away.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. Fry and That Guy are sitting in the VIP\nsection with Zapp, Calculon, Morbo and Jackie Anderson watching\nthe big ape fight. The apes fight and scream. Fry hoots.]\n\nFRY\nWoo yeah! Hit him hit him hit him!\nNow this is the high life! Watching\napes mangle each other near celebrities!\n\nTHAT GUY\nIn my day we went to coke parties but\nthe principle's the same.\n\n[An ape screams and throws it's trike at Calculon.]\n\nCALCULON\nGet your stinkin' trike off me you damn\ndirty ape.\n\nTHAT GUY\nListen big guy, now that you're my prod\u00e9g\u00e9,\nit's time I cut you in on the secret\nto success. Any guesses?\n\nFRY\nUh, work really really hard?\n\nTHAT GUY\nNo.\n\nFRY\nOh thank God!\n\nTHAT GUY\nIt's all about appearances. That's why\nits time to update our company's stodgy\nimage and give it the sleek dazzling\nveneer of the 1980's!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Enter Fry and That Guy on rocket\npowered chairs. The rest of the crew are asleep at the table.\nFry claps and they suddenly wake up.]\n\nFRY\nThis company's on the fast track to\nthe It List! Blast back kudos all around!\n\nLEELA\nUh hello? We haven't made one delivery\nsince you two took over.\n\nTHAT GUY\nDelivery has nothing to do with the\ndelivery business. Image people, image!\nScope out this new ad!\n\n[He presses a button on the remote and an advert comes on the\nbig screen. A Planet Express-ified version of Apple's 1984 ad.\nA woman runs into a building with a Planet Express package. Mom\nis on a huge screen.]\n\nMOM [ON AD]\nWe are all one. With one mind, one purpose\nand one act. Our enemy shall be eaten\nby scorpions! We shall bow down and\nworship to ourselves. We shall prevail!\n\n[The package hits the screen and it explodes. A man in the audience\nstands up.]\n\nMAN [ON AD]\nHey! We were watching that!\n\n[The scene freezes and a new Planet Express logo appears on the\nscreen \u00e1 la the FedEx logo only this time it's PlanEx.]\n\nLEELA\nThat was terrible! People won't even\nknow what we do.\n\nBENDER\nI don't even know what we do. Nah just\nkidding, what are like a bus or something?\n\nLEELA\nDid you approve that awful ad Fry?\n\nFRY\nYes I did Leels! And I'll tell you why.\nBecause it grows the brand.\n\n[That Guy pats his shoulder.]\n\nLEELA\nOh Lord!\n\n[Zoidberg growls.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThis company's circling the drain I\ntell you. I'd sell my stock right now\nfor a sangwich!\n\nTHAT GUY\nSold!\n\n[He gets a sandwich out of a Miami Vice lunchbox and hands it\nto Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nA complete sangwich? You got fleeced!\nI would have settled for a hard roll\nwith ketchup inside!\n\n[Mom's Office. She runs on a running machine while looking at\nMentor magazine and Prot\u00e9g\u00e9 magazine. That Guy and Fry are on\neach cover.]\n\nMOM\nWhat is this moose drip? The new delivery\nkings? I'm sick of hearing about those\nturtle squirts!\n\nIGNER\nBut they're kings mommy!\n\nMOM\nJam a bastard in it you crap!\n\n[She slaps them.]\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine: Private Dining Room. That Guy and Fry\nare seated in a cosy little room.]\n\nELZAR\nEnjoy our private dining room folks!\nThis is where we serve our richest most\nsuccessful chumps!\n\nFRY\nTonight, that's us!\n\nTHAT GUY\nWhat have you got that's really overpriced?\n\nELZAR\nEverything.\n\nTHAT GUY\nBring me that.\n\nFRY\nMake it two. And a glass of all your\nwater.\n\n[Elzar leaves and That guy pulls out some card from his jacket.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nOK, lets work on your execu-speak. I'm\nworried about \"blank.\"\n\nFRY\nDon't you worry about \"blank\" let me\nworry about \"blank.\"\n\nTHAT GUY\nVery good. I also would have accepted\n\"Blank? Blank?! you're not looking at\nthe big picture!\"\n\n[Mom coughs from behind Fry and he and That Guy look up.]\n\nFRY (WEAKLY)\nWhat a pleasant surprise!\n\nMOM\nShut up booger blaster! It's time the\nthree of us had a talk.\n\nTHAT GUY\nI'll handle this Fry. You get back to\nthe farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionise\noutside the box.\n\nFRY\nI'm on it. But if you need me you know\nwhere I'll be.\n\n[He walks through a door to the wine cellar and falls down the\nsteps.]\n\n[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry irons his tie.]\n\n[Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Scruffy and Farnsworth.]\n\nLEELA\nFry we're worried about Planet Express.\n\nFRY\nDon't you worry about Planet Express.\nLet me worry about blank!\n\nHERMES\nThat Guy is nothing but a flashy con\nman! And you've been hypnotised by his\nswinging blogney!\n\nLEELA\nYou've changed Fry.\n\nFRY\nWhat? I haven't changed. Suz? Have\nI changed?\n\nSUZ [ON INTERCOM]\nNo sir Mr Fry.\n\nFRY\nThanks doll.\n\nLEELA\nI don't care what Ms Johnson says, Thst\nGuy's turning this place into some kind\nof...business.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis isn't a business, I've always thought\nof it as more of a source of cheap labour.\nLike a family.\n\nFRY\nYou're right Professor. We might not\nbe a traditional family like the Murphy's\nnext door or the lesbian coven across\nthe street but we are a family, and\nThat Guy understands that.\n\n[That Guy appears on a screen.]\n\nTHAT GUY [ON SCREEN]\nEveryone's fired and we're out of business.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nAMY\nOh no.\n\nHERMES\nHow?\n\nTHAT GUY [ON SCREEN]\nI'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom\nso she can gut the company and eliminate\nus as competitors.\n\nMOM [ON SCREEN]\nDon't let the door hit you on your way\nout. 'Cause I don't want ass prints\non my new door!\n\n[The screen cuts out and the ex-crew glare at Fry. He presses\nthe launch button on his chair and it takes off, struggles, and\ncrashes down again. Everyone glares harder. Fry presses the intercom.]\n\nFRY\nUh Ms Johnson? Please bring in some\nmore chair fuel.\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Area. Everyone clears out their lockers.]\n\nFRY\nI had no idea the company would be sold.\nI was just an innocent suck up. You've\ngotta believe me!\n\n[Leela slams her door shut.]\n\nLEELA\nJust leave us alone and let us clear\nout our lockers.\n\nBENDER\nYeah.\n\n[He slams Hermes' door shut and chuckles. Amy clears out her\nlocker and puts her stuff in a box a man is holding for her.]\n\nAMY (CRYING)\nIt's so sad, where will I go? What will\nI do?\n\nLACKEY\nYou have Mrs Darlinghaven's cotillion\nat 7 ma'am.\n\nAMY (CRYING)\nOh. That'll be fun.\n\n[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry sighs and presses the intercom\nbutton.]\n\nFRY\nMs Johnson, you've never lied to me.\nAm I still a good person?\n\nSUZ [ON INTERCOM]\nI don't know sir. I'm a program built\ninto the intercom.\n\nFRY\nI've got to redeem myself. Somehow,\nsometime, for some reason. I'll block\nthis takeover!\n\nSUZ [ON INTERCOM]\nMr Fry, your 2 o'clock magician is here.\n\nFRY\nBelieve it or not, I have more important\nthings to do today than laugh and clap\nmy hands. Reschedule.\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies towards the Intergalactic Stock\nExchange and the huge Momcorp ship follows.]\n\n[Cut to: Intergalactic Stock Exchange. People and robots shout,\nbuying and selling stock.]\n\nBROKERBOT #1\nSell 100 soylent beans!\n\nBROKERBOT #2\nBuy 1000 cornbellies!\n\nBROKERBOT #3\n200 cans of whoop-ass!\n\nBROKERBOT #1\nThree big bags of trash!\n\n[Everything goes silent and a huge holographic head appears in\nthe middle of the room.]\n\nJOR-EL\nAttention please. The takeover of PlanEx\nCorp by Mom's Friendly Company will\ntake place in the business centre in\n10 minutes. I am Jor-El! Master of scheduling!\n\n[Intergalactic Stock Exchange Business Centre. Hundreds of people\nfill the room. The Planet Express employees sit angrily next\nto Mom's sons.]\n\nTHAT GUY\nOK, we've got the hot tub hot, the wine\ncooler's cool. It's Hammer time!\n\n[The Planet Express employees boo him.]\n\nBENDER\nYou suck!\n\n[Mom takes the stand.]\n\nMOM\nAccording to regulations, both companies\nmust approve the takeover. Planet Express\nshareholders, cast your votes.\n\nHERMES\nGreat Bonda of Uganda! We can vote against\nit!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll vote it down like a raise for school\nteachers!\n\n[They all vote No and a chart ppears behind That Guy and Mom.\n49% have voted for No. That Guy votes Yes and the graph changes\nto 51% for Yes. Planet Express gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat the?\n\nHATTIE\nHow the?\n\nAMY\nOh no.\n\nTHAT GUY\nI neglected to mention that the shares\nI bought from Dr Zoidberg gave me majority\ncontrol.\n\nLEELA\nZoidberg owned 51% of the company?\n\nHERMES\nThe shares were worthless and he kept\nasking for toilet paper.\n\nMOM\nAnd now if Momcorp shareholders will\ncast their ballots.\n\n[She selects Yes and the Momcorp vote goes up to 99.7% Yes. Walt\nvotes Yes and it changes to 99.8%. Larry votes and it changes\nto 99.9%. Igner has a little trouble.]\n\nIGNER\nUm...uh... Uh, the ballot was confusing.\n\nMOM\nHow about a hand recount?\n\nIGNER\nOK. Ow!\n\nMOM\nThe takeover of Planet Express is approved.\n\n[The Planet Express crew boos.]\n\nAMY\nThis stinks!\n\nLACKEY\nMadam is outraged.\n\nTHAT GUY\nSecurity, I want that bunch of rowdies\nout of here.\n\n[The securitybots lift the crew out of their seats.]\n\nBENDER\nHold on a minute!\n\nSCRUFFY\nHey! Hey!\n\n[The securitybots take the crew away leaving only a sleeping\nFarnsworth and Hattie in their seats.]\n\nMOM\nMomcorp will now purchase all outstanding\nshares of Planet Express at the current\nmarket price which is...\n\n[On the screen behind her PLNX 107 appears.]\n\nJOR-EL\n107.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Business Centre. The securitybots drop the crew\nonto the floor.]\n\nBENDER\nOw! And also it hurt my feelings!\n\nLEELA\nThey are? Oh my God! I'm a millionaire!\nSuddenly I have an opinion about that\ncapital gains tax!\n\nBENDER\nYeah all right!\n\nAMY\nI'm even richer!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh! I have no shares! Wait! My sangwich!\nHas it also appreciated in value? Please\noh please!\n\nHERMES\nYou didn't even refrigerate it you spineless\nlobster!\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou had to drag spines into this!\n\n[He cries. Fry appears on the overhead monitors. He clears his\nthroat.]\n\nFRY [ON SCREEN]\nAs vice chairman of Planet Express I'd\nlike to say a few words. There comes\na time for every man who becomes rich\nand deserts his friends, when he goes\nback how it was. For me, that time is\nnow....\n\n[Cut to: Intergalactic Stock Exchange Business Centre. Fry turns\nto That Guy.]\n\nFRY\n...So I ask you, as a friend, won't\nyou stop this deal?\n\nTHAT GUY\nFry I'm an 80's guy. Friendship means\nto me that for two bucks I'd beat you\nwith a pool cue 'til you got detached\nretinas. The deal will go ahead as -\nMy bones!\n\n[The crowd gasps.]\n\nFRY\nOh my God! His boneitis!\n\nTHAT GUY\nI was so busy being an 80's guy, I forgot\nto cure it. My only regret is...that\nI have...boneitis!\n\n[He stops twisting.]\n\nFRY\nHe's dead.\n\n[The crowd gasps.]\n\nMOM\nPry out his fillings, feed him to the\njackals and lets get on with the sale.\n\nFRY\nI don't think so. 'Cause as vice chairman\nof the company I gain voting control\nof his shares.\n\nMOM\nDon't be a fool you idiot!\n\nFRY\nI'll be whatever I wanna do! That Guy\nwas the greatest businessman that ever\nlived and before his mysterious death\nhe taught me everything he knew. But\nsome things I had to learn myself.\nI learned that money is fine but in\nthe end what counts is people... ...People\nyou love... ...You can't put a price\non that... So I'm giving up control\nof the company... ...to a man of enourmous\nexperience... ...Professor... ...Hubert\nFarnsworth.\n\n[Farnsworth is still asleep but is now wearing a sleeping cap\nand bunny slippers. He wakes up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh uh what? I'm awake, I'm awake!\n\n[The stock price goes haywire. Tape falls from the ceiling an\nthe Planet Express crew slide down on it.]\n\nBENDER\nFry, stop doing the right thing you\njerk!\n\nLEELA\nLet Mom buy the company! We all wanna\nbe filthy stinking rich!\n\nZOIDBERG\nTrust me two out of three doesn't cut\nit!\n\nFRY\nYou mean you'd rather be rich than work\ntogether?\n\nLEELA\nHell yeah!\n\nFRY\nIn my whole life this company was the\nonly place I ever really felt at home.\nIf being millionaires is more important\nto you than our...\n\nBENDER\nIt is!\n\nFRY\n...friendship, then I'll sell Planet\nExpress, for you.\n\nHATTIE\nMillionaires nothing! The stock's only\nworth three kajiggers!\n\n[The crew mumble.]\n\nBENDER\nOh come on!\n\nHERMES\nMy Jah! It's worth less now than when\nit was worthless!\n\nFRY\nIt is? Yahoo! We're poor no matter what\nI do! The deal is off!\n\n[He selects no and the Planet Express vote changes to 100% for\nNo.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy\nportfolio pays off for the hungry investor!\nOh! I'm ruined. Why? Why?\n\nFRY\nLook, so we're not millionaires. At\nleast we all still get to work together!\n\nBENDER\nShut your fat mouth!\n\n[The crew walk out muttering.]\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nSee you guys Monday!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Leela-Of-Her-Own.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 410\n\n\"A LEELA OF HER OWN\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Scratch Here To Reveal Prize.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry looks out of the window through\na pair of binoculars. Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sit at the\ntable.]\n\nLEELA\nOh put down the binoculars Fry. The\nwall of that strip club isn't going\nto collapse twice in one day.\n\nFRY\nI know, and I've grown to accept that.\nNow I'm more interested in that new\npizza parlour across the street. Kinda\nmakes me pine for my days as a pizza\ndelivery boy. \"Here's you pizza,\" I'd\nsay. \"I didn't order any,\" they'd say.\nAnd then I'd be off to my next adventure.\n\nLEELA\nThat story stunk. Hand me the binoculars.\nI think the owner is from Cygnus 5.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCygnoids? On our block? Flying foo!\nThey should go back where they came\nfrom.\n\nLEELA\nProfessor please. Society's never gonna\nmake any progress until we all learn\nto pretend to like each other. Now lets\ngo over there and make these hideous\nstrangers feel welcome.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo.\n\n[Family Bros. Pizza. The owners are a man and woman. They looks\nlike giant fat insects with little antennae and thoraxes, but\nthey have the same limbs as humans; two arms, two legs, four\nfingers on each hand. They are dress in the same way as some\nItalian immigrants and have vaguely Italian accents. They stand\nin the middle of their restaurant awaiting customers.]\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nYou sure about these chairs? Guidebook\nsays human legs bend down at knee.\n\n[The points at the chairs which have an extra part on the seat\nthat bends up.]\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nIt's OK Mama, anyone complains, I bend\nlegs up for free. Ooo customers! Welcome\nto Earth pizza store. Here, sit, I bend\nknees for you.\n\n[Bender sits down and the Cygnoid bends his legs up.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo that's a-comfy!\n\n[Fry and Leela sit down themselves.]\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nOK, now, what kind of pizza goes in\nyou? Silt? Asbestos? We got guano -\nvery fresh!\n\nFRY\nUh, hmm, do you have any food?\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nHere, try a deep dish pizza. Contains\nfour kind of things.\n\n[The Cygnoid woman cuts the \"pizza\" and some blue ooze oozes\nout. Fry and Leela reluctantly taste it and spit it out.]\n\nLEELA\nI don't mean to offend but this tastes\nlike vomit.\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\n(happy) Thank you.\n\nLEELA\nNo, actually I did mean to offend a\nlittle. This is awful.\n\n[The Cygnoids shout at each other in Cygnoid and then burst into\ntears.]\n\nFRY\nHey hey, what's wrong? Was it something\nLeela said?\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\n(crying) We come to Earth to start new\nlife. Raise fat spoiled Earth kids,\nhang many underwear from Earth clothesline,\nlive Earthican dream.\n\n[They cry more.]\n\nFRY\nAww, don't cry foreign people. I used\nto work in a pizzeria and as soon as\nI stop hallucinating and blasting puke,\nI'm gonna teach you to sell pizza -\nEarth style!\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nOh thank you magic biped!\n\n[She kisses his feet.]\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nYou save us sir, if we cannot make Earth\npizza our dream will die. Just like\nrats we crushed to make the wine.\n\n[Fry spits out the wine all over Bender's face and Bender spits\nit back.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry teaches the Cygnoids all about pizzeria's.]\n\nFRY\nFor starters, only use quality ingredients.\nCase in point: No more live bees. Oregano\nworks equally well. And when you put\npizzas in the oven, don't get in with\nthem.\n\n[He opens the oven door and a Cygnoid inside immediately closes\nit.]\n\nCYGNOID #2\nHey, ocupado!\n\nFRY\nMost important of all is the big screen\nTV. Human families need a TV when they're\neating so they don't have to talk to\neach other. Ah, the Earthican pasttime,\nblernsball!\n\n[The pitcher pitches the ball and Bob Uecker commentates.]\n\nUECKER [ON TV]\nMulligan drives the ball, it's going,\ngoing and caught by the shortstop. Man\nI haven't seen play this bad since the\ndays of Bob Uecker! This is Bob Uecker\nsaying thanks for watching!\n\n[The Cygnoids watch in puzzlement.]\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nMets? Shortstop? Pinching the hitter?\nI don't understand this blernsball.\n\nFRY\nWell if you're going to be Earthicans\nwe'll have to teach you. How about your\npizzeria plays a game against Planet\nExpress? Oh but you'll need nine players.\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nNo problem!\n\n[She shouts in Cygnoid and seven Cygnoids climb out of the oven.]\n\nCYGNOID #2\nPlay the ball!\n\n[Central Park. People dine at the Cavern On The Green caf\u00e9 and\na dog catches what it thinks is a frisbee. The frisbee opens\nand some little aliens shout at the dog. On the blernsball pitch\nthe teams get ready for their game. Farnsworth doesn't play and\nshouts from the stand.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Go team! Beat those no good\nCygnoids! Show them they stink at a\ngame they've never played before!\n\n[Leela is the pitcher and the Cygnoid man goes up to bat.]\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nAh, this is why I love Earth! Beautiful\nstar brightened day, friendly blernsball\ngame with chum pals! So pleasant for\neverybody.\n\n[Leela throws the ball and it hits him on the head and knocks\nhim over.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nHit by a pitch, take your base.\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Sorry about that, I guess\nI needed a few more warm-up pitches.\n\n[Another Cygnoid steps up.]\n\nBENDER\nNo batter! No batter! No batter anymore.\n\nSCRUFFY\nTake your base.\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) I didn't mean to hit you,\nI have some trouble with depth perception.\n\nCYGNOID #2\nYeah, me too now.\n\n[A third Cygnoid goes to bat.]\n\nBENDER\nHey batter batter batter! Hey batter\nbatter batter! Hey batter batter! Duck!\n\nSCRUFFY\nTake your base.\n\n[A crowd of people gathers around and starts watching the game.\nAnother Cygnoid goes to bat.]\n\nCYGNOID #3\nPlease lady, I want to live. Can I use\nbat to protect head?\n\n[Leela's ball hits him.]\n\nBENDER\nApparently not.\n\n[The crowd applauds.]\n\nMAN\nCheck out the one eyed bean machine!\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nHooray! I make a score point!\n\n[The Planet Express team gathers around Leela.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, you beaned a run-in. You'd better\nlet me pitch.\n\nLEELA\nBut I've got a no-hitter going. You're\nright. Here.\n\n[She throws the ball at his face. The crowd cheers.]\n\nRANDY\nDon't take her out, she's a firecracker!\n\n[Leela walks into the Commissioner of the URFL.]\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nExcuse me, I'd like to talk to you.\n\nLEELA\nAm I under arrest?\n\nBENDER\nWait I know you. You're the sleabag\nwho owns the Ultimate Robot Fighting\nLeague.\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nNot anymore. Now I'm the sleazebag who\nowns the New New York Mets.\n\nLEELA\nThe Mets? Those bums are worse than\nme.\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nClose to it. But they don't draw a crowd\nlike you. Which is why I wanna sign\nyou to the team.\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nYou mean I'd be the first woman ever\nto play major league blernsball?\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nWell yeah but basically you'd just be\na publicity stunt. I figured a one-eyed\nlady skull buster might bring out the\nfreakshow crowd.\n\nLEELA\nWow, the first woman ever to play major\nleague blernsball.\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nAgain yeah, but basically you'd -\n\n[Leela jumps into the air.]\n\nLEELA\nYippee!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela is kitted out in her Mets uniform\nthat looks like the one from the 1980's and 7/8 is printed on\nthe back. She turns around to the rest of the crew.]\n\nLEELA\nTa-da! The first woman ever to play\nmajor league blernsball. How do I look?\n\nHERMES\nLike a sexy Yogi Berra!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy is your number seven-eight's?\n\nLEELA\nAll the whole numbers have been retired.\n\nFRY\nWow, I must say I'm impressed. You look\njust like a ball player. Can I pat you\non the butt?\n\nLEELA\nFry I'm a professional athlete! So go\nahead.\n\n[Fry stops halfway.]\n\nFRY\nOhh, now I'm too nervous.\n\n[Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Swedish Meatballs. The Mets\nare at 0 while the Swedish Meatballs are ahead at 15.]\n\n[Cut to: Commentary Box.]\n\nUECKER\nWell folks it's only the fifth inning\nbut the Swedes have already turned this\none into a laffer. And that's with two\nF's. The crowd is pouring out of the\nstadium LA style.\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers. The Mets fans start to leave.]\n\n[Cut to: Mets' Bench. Leela sits on the bench watching the game\nwith the manager. Enter the Commissioner.]\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nSkipper, we're losing the crowd. Put\nit our new novelty act - Leela.\n\n[Leela gasps. The skipper kicks the ground.]\n\nSKIPPER\nDarn it! I already put in the circus\nclown.\n\n[Behind them the clown cartwheels across the pitch and honks\na horn.]\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nYeah but he bunted. Clowns are only\nfunny when they swing away.\n\n[Cut to: Pitch.]\n\n[Leela walks out onto the pitch.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers. The leaving crowd doesn't react.]\n\n[The crowd turns around in curiosity. A woman cheers Leela.]\n\nWOMAN\nWoo! Come on! Throw like a girl!\n\n[The Planet Express crew cheer.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Go Leela!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Come on girl!\n\nAMY\n(shouting) Too much eyeliner!\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. Leela stands ready to throw the ball and a batter\ntakes his position.]\n\nUECKER\n(voice-over) This is history in the\nmaking folks. Bjornson steps up to the\nplate and Leela delivers.\n\n[Leela throws the ball and hits Bjornson in the face, knocking\nhim over.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers. The crowd gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nBullseye!\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. Bjornson gets up and staggers away.]\n\nUECKER\n(voice-over) Ooo! An inauspicious start\nfor the career of the first woman blernsballer.\nAn inauspicious continuation for the\ncareer of the first woman blernsballer.\n\n[Leela kicks the ground in frustration. The crowd chuckles. A\nman dusts the batter off and the batter hands him some cash and\nleaves. Another batter steps up.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers.]\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!\nBean! Bean! Bean...\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. Leela throws again, the ball curls around the\nback of the player and knocks him out from behind. The crowd\ncheers.]\n\n[Cut to: Commentary Box.]\n\nUECKER\nOuch! It's a three bean-ball salad.\nThe Mets fans love it though and who\ncan blame them? They haven't had much\nto cheer about this year -\n\n[The ball flies up to the box and smashes Uecker's jar. The crowd\ncheers.]\n\n[NNY Mets Locker Room. The male players wander around with black\nbars over their unmentionables. Leela sits sadly on a bench but\nthe Commissioner doesn't seem to notice.]\n\nCOMMISSIONER\nKid that was great! You got us more\npublicity than a cowboy in a shark tank.\nPoor Tex, he was quite a shark.\n\n[Enter Bender dressed in a grooby suit, shades and a headset\nphone. The trips ocver the wire from the black bar generator\nand pulls the plug from the socket. The black bars around the\nplayers go down and they cover themselves.]\n\nMAN #1\nHey!\n\nMAN #2\nHey!\n\nMAN #3\nC'mon!\n\n[Another man looks around and throws his hands in the air.]\n\nMAN #4\nI win!\n\nBENDER\nOop! Sorry.\n\n[He plugs the plug back in and the black bars reappear.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, how did you get in here?\n\nLEELA\nSince when are you my agent?\n\n[Bender's phone rings.]\n\nBENDER\nQuiet, call coming in. Yeees...? A\nbig endorsement deal for Leela? How\nmuch...? Hey! You put a one and two\nzeroes in front of that or we pass...!\nDeal!\n\n[He hangs up.]\n\nLEELA\nBender that's great! How much did you\nget me?\n\nBENDER\n(impressed) One hundred dollars.\n\n[Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. Leela stands behind a camera in front\nof a backdrop. She holds a tin of beans and reads off an autocue.]\n\nLEELA\n(reading) As a pitcher, I serve up plenty\nof bean-balls, so I know good beans\nwhen I see them. Bean-Bay Beans - they're\nthe beaniest!\n\n[She smiles weakly.]\n\nDIRECTOR\nCut!\n\n[Shea Stadium. The Mets play the Pituitary Giants with the score\n17-2 to the Giants.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers. Fans have set up Leela's Bean Counter. A\nwoman hangs a fourth huge picture of a bean over the railings.]\n\nUECKER\n(voice-over) In very short order Leela\nhas become a fan favourite.\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. Leela knocks over another player and some paramedics\ndrag him into an ambulance. The ambulance moves around the pitch\nto first base. There are three other ambulances moving from base\nto base.]\n\n[NNY Mets Locker Room. Leela dresses. Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're the best babe! Hang on call\ncomin' in. What's that...? Hey you\nput a one and two zeroes in front of\nthat or we pass...! Deal!\n\n[He hangs up.]\n\nLEELA\nSo what did you get me?\n\nBENDER\n(impressed) A thousand and one pesos!\n\n[Ancestor & Sons Ad Agency. Leela shoots another bean advert\nbut this time in Spanish.]\n\nLEELA\nYo soy muy malo en lanzar, pero yo soy\nmuy bueno en comer frijoles. Come los\nBean Bay frijoles, los frijoles de los\nreyes.\n\nDIRECTOR\nCut! OK, now do one with bean suit on!\n\n[A man holds up a huge bean suit with a face wearing a Mets blernsball\ncap.]\n\n[Outside Family Bros. Pizza. The Cygnoids have strung a banner\nover the doorway reading Leela Autograph Session - Bring Money.\nA line of people has formed outside.]\n\n[Cut to: Family Bros. Pizza. Leela is sat dressed in her Mets\nuniform at a table at the far end of the room signing books while\nthe Cygnoids sell pizza to her fans. Fry leans against the counter\nwith a smile on his face.]\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nLeela really bringing in the customers.\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nThis keep up we need to buy second sauce\ntoilet.\n\n[A little girl stands in front of Leela holding a magazine.]\n\nGIRL\nWhen I grow up I want to injure men\nby throwing stuff at them just like\nyou Leela! Will you sign my magazine?\n\n[She hands her a copy of Sports Illustrated with a picture of\nLeela on the cover and the caption \"Leela's Beans: The Mets'\nMagical Fruit.\"]\n\nLEELA\nAww, sure thing sweetie. Who should\nI make it out to?\n\nGIRL\nWell, uh...to eBay?\n\nLEELA\nThat's a popular name today. Little\n\"e\" big \"B\"?\n\n[The girl nods and smiles, Leela signs the magazine and the girl\ntakes it and leaves. Another girl hands Leela a magazine. Bender\nchuckles and presses some buttons on a calculator.]\n\nBENDER\nFive bucks an autograph, 200 fans. Add\na one and two zeros in front of that\nand we got ourselves a wad!\n\nLEELA\nI'm not doing this for the wad. I'm\ndoing it for all the struggling female\nathletes who need a role model.\n\n[The woman who cheered Leela from the crowd in her first blernsball\ngame steps forward.]\n\nWOMAN\nYeah, a role model in how to stink!\n\nLEELA\nWhat? Who are you?\n\nWOMAN\nJackie Anderson. I'm on the blernsball\nteam at NNYU and I was hoping to get\nto play in the majors soon.\n\nLEELA\nOh, following in my footsteps?\n\nJACKIE\nPft, God forbid! Your little freakshow\nis making it impossible for real female\nball players to be taken seriously.\nI hope you're proud of yourself.\n\n[She leaves. Leela's lip wobbles and a tear trickles down her\nface. Bender turns to the crowd.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright shows over no refunds, you heard\nthe robot get out!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, still in her uniform, sits on\nthe couch with the rest of the crew sat and standing around her.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm a fool. The fans haven't been cheering\nfor me, they've been cheering at me.\n\nAMY\nDon't be upset Leela. You, um...you\nlook really cute in your uniform.\n\nLEELA\n(crying) That's what makes it so sad.\nI thought I was doing something heroic.\n\nBENDER\nYou are. What about that little girl\nyou visited in the hospital? You know\nthe one I mean? The one who died?\n\nLEELA\nYou're right. I can't let people down\nanymore. As God as my witness, I vow\nto earn the respect of girls and women\neverywhere. I will become the best blernsball\nplayer of all time.\n\n[Hermes clears his throat. He is sat at the table looking at\na computer.]\n\nHERMES\nThat's statistically impossible. In\n77 innings you haven't gotten a single\nout. At this rate, you're sure to go\ndown as the worst blernsball player\nof all time.\n\nLEELA\nOh. Then I have a new vow. I solemnly\nswear that I will become not the worst\nblernsball player of all time.\n\n[She thumps her glove, misses, and punches Farnsworth in the\nface. Bender peers over his shades.]\n\n[Blernsball Hall Of Fame. Enter Fry, Leela and Bender. They walk\npast exhibits such as the first ball hit into orbit, Mark McGwire's\nbicep and the 2927 Yankees' heads all crammed into one jar. Fry\npoints at a display.]\n\nFRY\nHey look! The player's who broke the\nvarious colour barriers!\n\n[In the display case is a green alien, an orange alien a purple\nalien and racially superior alien from the Star Trek episode\nLet That Be Your Last Battlefield.]\n\nBENDER\nWhen will Man learn that all races are\nequally inferior to robots?\n\n[Cut to: Worst Player In History Exhibit. The trio walk into\na small room. There is a hologram of a blernsball player sat\non a chair surrounded by photo's of his \"triumphs.\"]\n\nLEELA\nAh, here we are - the worst player in\nhistory. If I can be just a little better\nthan him I can slink away with my head\nheld high.\n\n[Bender reads something.]\n\nBENDER\nIt says he once struck out when his\ntongue got stuck to an unusually cold\nbat.\n\n[Fry looks at a photo.]\n\nFRY\nAnd here he is trying to make a catch\nwith an oven mit.\n\nLEELA\nIt's even a crummy hologram.\n\n[She knocks the hologram's head. It moves.]\n\nAARON JR\nI'm not a hologram, though I am crummy.\nHank Aaron XXIV.\n\n[Leela shakes his hand.]\n\nFRY\nHank Aaron XXIV? How could you play\nso blowfully? The original Hank Aaron\nwas great!\n\n[A voice comes from behind them. The original Hank Aaron's head\nin a jar.]\n\nAARON SR\nNo I was better than great. I was the\nhome run king!\n\nBENDER\nNeat!\n\n[He takes a photo.]\n\nLEELA\nSo Hank - the bad Hank, just how blowful\nwere you?\n\nAARON JR\nWell, I have a low batting average.\n\nAARON SR\nLow? It was zero you fungo! You went\nyour whole career without getting a\nhit.\n\nFRY\nLeela could beat that. She's pitched\nher whole career without getting an\nout.\n\n[Aaron Sr laughs.]\n\nAARON SR\nYou stink lady! Hey Junior, she belongs\nin the exhibit instead of you.\n\nAARON JR\nForget it. This job's too cushy to give\nup. Aah Wade Boggs, goes down smooth!\n\nLEELA\nLook, I don't wanna be in this exhibit.\nThat's why I need your help - so I can\nbe one tiny iota less pathetic than\nyou.\n\nAARON JR\nOh I can't help you play better than\nTiny Iota, that guy was great! But I'll\nteach you everything I know.\n\n[Central Park. Leela stands on a pitcher's mound holding a blernsball,\nAaron Jr holds a bat and Fry is backstop.]\n\nAARON JR\nOK, let's see what you can do.\n\nBENDER\nOne thing she can do is lodge a ball\nin the depth centre of your brain. You\nbetter get a batting helmet.\n\n[Aaron takes Bender's head off and uses it as a helmet. He lifts\nBender's teeth so he can see.]\n\nLEELA\n(quietly) Alright, low and away!\n\n[She throws the ball and knocks Aaron down. Bender picks his\nhead up and staggers around disorientated.]\n\nAARON JR\nOK try it again but this time keep your\neye off the ball.\n\nLEELA\nYou mean \"keep your eye on the ball\"?\n\nAARON JR\nHey lady, which one of us is in the\nhall of fame?\n\n[He holds up the bat. Fry whispers to him.]\n\nFRY\n(whispering) Psst, you're holding the\nbat upside down.\n\nAARON JR\nJust pitch the ball.\n\nLEELA\nOK, eye off the ball.\n\n[She throws the ball without looking at it, Aaron swings, misses\nand Fry catches the ball.]\n\nBENDER\nStrike!\n\nFRY\nHooray!\n\nAARON JR\nYou did it Leela!\n\nLEELA\nI didn't hit the batter! For once I\nwas pitching and not just belly-itching!\n\nAARON JR\nOh you got that too? I think there's\na rash goin' around.\n\n[He scratches his stomach.]\n\n[Outside Fenway Park. On the wall outside is a sign saying Home\nOf The Green Monster.]\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. The Green Monster plays the blernsball tune.]\n\n[Cut to: Commentary Box.]\n\nUECKER\nWelcome to Fenway Park, home of the\nBoston Poindexters where the Mets close\nout a season that'll rank among mankind's\nmost awful crimes.\n\n[Cut to: Family Bros. Stand. The Cygnoids sell pizza to blernsball\nfans. Fry smiles.]\n\nFRY\nHey! You opened a franchise!\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nYes. Our biggest seller is Leela's Bean\nPizza. Six kinds of beans, plus several\nthings that look like beans.\n\n[Fishy Joe eats a slice.]\n\nFISHY JOE\nBeans huh? Mmm, this is great! How to\nyou make the crust so fizzy?\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nAh-ah-ah! Ancient Cygnoid secret!\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nMy husband, some hotshot! Here's his\nancient Cygnoid secret! Live hornets!\nWe smush them right into dough!\n\nFISHY JOE\nI don't care if there's horse manure\nin it!\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nThat's a-good!\n\nFISHY JOE\nI wanna buy this franchise. How does\n$100,000 sounds?\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nForget it, we come to Earth to make\npizza not money!\n\nCYGNOID WOMAN\nNo Blek! Other way around!\n\nCYGNOID MAN\nOh right, offer accepted!\n\n[He takes the cheque and Fry, Amy, Hermes and the Cygnoid woman\ncheer.]\n\n[Cut to: Commentary Box.]\n\nUECKER\nWell fans Boston's turning the last\ngame into a real squeeeker! And that's\nwith three \"e's\"! Two men on and they're\ndown to their last out.\n\n[Cut to: Met's Bench. Leela is sat on the bench while the manager\nwatches the game.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on skipper, it's my last chance\nto prove I'm not the worst player ever.\nPlease put me in.\n\nSKIPPER\nNo. We're actually winning this game.\nYou only go in as a joke when we're\neight runs behind. Or when our other\npitchers sneak out early to beat the\ntraffic. (shouting) Come on! Lets see\nsome fundamentals out there! And not\nclown fundamentals.\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. A Boston player hits the ball and it bounces\nover to the clown. Instead of throwing it to another player he\nthrows a pie instead.]\n\n[Cut to: Met's Bench. The skipper kicks the ground.]\n\nSKIPPER\nAw, darn, darn it! Now the bases are\nloaded. Isn't there a man on this team\nwho can get one more out?\n\nLEELA\nI can.\n\nSKIPPER\nI repeat: Isn't there a man on this\nteam on this -\n\nLEELA\nI've been training with Hank Aaron.\n\n[The skipper turns around.]\n\nSKIPPER\nYou've been training with the Hank Aaron?\n\nLEELA\nI've been training with a Hank Aaron.\n\nSKIPPER\nAlright then. Get in there and pitch\nlike you've never pitched like you before!\n\n[Leela runs onto the pitch.]\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. The Mets players' jaws drop and they hold their\nhands to their heads.]\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers.]\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean! Bean!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Go Leela!\n\nAMY\n(shouting) Come on Leela!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Put it right down the pike!\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Strike him out Leela! Do\nit for the hundreds of women everywhere!\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. While the crowd continues chanting \"bean\" the\nBoston skipper takes a batter out and replaces him.]\n\n[The crowd gasps as Jackie steps up to bat.]\n\n[Cut to: Commentary Box.]\n\nUECKER\nWould you look at that! College blernsball's\nfinest female hitter making her big\nleague debut against pro-ball's worst\nfemale anything! I've never seen anything\nthis bizzare - and I've seen Mr Belvendere\nnaked! Woo!\n\n[Cut to: Pitch.]\n\nLEELA\n(quietly) Keep cool, she's just like\nany other player. She puts on her sports\nbra one arm at a time.\n\n[She throws the ball and Jackie misses.]\n\nUMPIRE\nStrike one!\n\n[The crowd gasps. Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nStrike one - a personal best!\n\n[She throws again.]\n\nUMPIRE\nStrike two!\n\n[Leela and Jackie wipe their brows.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers. Hermes wipes his brow with a sponge, and\nsqueezes it into a file marked Ballpark Sweat.]\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. Leela throws the ball, Jackie swings and hits\nit. The elastic tightens and breaks.]\n\n[Cut to: Bleachers. The crowd look up and gasp. While they aren't\nlooking Bender chuckles and steals some drinks from the people\nin front of him. Amy takes one too.]\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. The now free ball flies through the air and into\na target marked Hit It Here And Win The Game. The target lights\nup, a bell rings, Jackie runs around the pitch, the giant rats\nrun out and the Slurm blimp crashes.]\n\n[Cut to: Commentary Box.]\n\nUECKER\nA grand slam blern. The Mets lose, their\nseason is over! And no question, Leela\n- the first woman ever to reach the\nmajors will go down as the single worst\nplayer in the history of blernsball...!\n\n[Cut to: Pitch. Leela walks sadly to the bench. Jackie jumps\naround with joy and the Boston players lift her up.]\n\nUECKER\n(voice-over) ...And yet tonight we have\nwitnessed the beginning of a great career\nfor the first woman to play the sport\nwell - Jackie Anderson!\n\n[Cut to: Tunnel. Leela walks away from the celebrations hanging\nher head in shame. Jackie pokes her head around the end of the\ntunnel.]\n\nJACKIE\nLeela?\n\n[Leela turns around.]\n\nLEELA\nJackie. I guess you were right, I'm\na lousy role model. I'm sorry.\n\nJACKIE\nNo, don't be. It turns out you were\nan inspiration afterall.\n\nLEELA\n(crying) I was?\n\nJACKIE\nUh-huh. You were so awful that women\neverywhere set out to prove that they\ndon't stink as bad as you. You know,\nlike a pig or something.\n\nLEELA\nOh, that's so kind of you. I guess I\nmade a difference afterall!\n\nJACKIE\nYou absolutely did Leela. Now please,\nplease retire! Immediately!\n\n[She leaves. Leela looks at the towel around her neck.]\n\nLEELA\nHey kid! Catch!\n\n[Jackie turns around, Leela throws the towel and knocks Jackie\nover.]\n\n[Blernsball Hall Of Fame: Worst Player In History Exhibit. Aaron\nJr looks at a cardboard stand-up of Leela, standing where he\nused to sit. He sighs.]\n\nAARON SR\nWell, at least you're still the worst\nfootball player of all time.\n\nAARON JR\nYeah. Yeah.\n\n[He puts on his cap, turns out the lights and leaves.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-30-Percent-Iron-Chef.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 411\n\n\"30% IRON CHEF\"\n\nBy\n\nJeff Westbrook\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: If Accidentally Watched, Induce Vomitting.]\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender watches Good Morning Earth on\nTV. A graphic of the sun peeking over the Earth appears on the\nscreen then it changes to Morbo and Linda in the regular Good\nMorning Earth studio.]\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nWelcome back. Our next guest has been\nteaching the world to cook for over\n20 years. But apparently my uh, wife\nhasn't been listening.\n\n[A laughter track is heard and Linda chuckles.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nOh funny!\n\nELZAR [ON TV]\nMorbo I'm gonna whip you up a nice,\nunnameable horror from beyond - with\nmango chutney.\n\n[He lifts a pot onto a hob. Morbo looks inside. Radiation flares\nout of the pot and X-rays his head.]\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nPathetic humans! Prepare to write down\nthe recipe!\n\n[Bender hums as he stirs a pot of...something. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nHey, uh, what's with all the pots and\npans? You building a wife?\n\nBENDER\nPart of one. Meantime I'm cooking up\na tasty Sunday brunch for my best friends!\n\n[He takes a chicken out of his chest cabinet and swallows it.\nShredding, whirring sounds come from inside him and he spits\nout the chicken's skeleton. He dusts it off and puts it in a\nfrying pan.]\n\nFRY\nBrunch. Right. I'd better warn - tell\n- warntell the others!\n\nBENDER\nOkey-dokey!\n\n[Fry leaves and Bender covers the chicken with a whole tub of\nMotron's Salt. He opens another tub and adds an extra pinch of\nit.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew sans Fry and Bender\nare gathered around Farnsworth's lab table looking at a ship\nin a bottle.]\n\nHERMES\nOoo!\n\nLEELA\nNice!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, it's a perfect scale model of the\nuniverse's largest bottle. I put a tiny\nspaceship inside to keep it from being\nboring.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOhh!\n\n[He reaches out to the bottle.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGet -! For the last time Zoidberg look\nwith your eyes not with your claws!\n\n[He puts the bottle back on the table. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nBrace yourselves. Bender is making us\nbrunch.\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh boy!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh God! My tract!\n\n[He clutches his stomach.]\n\nFRY\nHe's so proud of his awful cooking.\nIf we don't eat it he'll be crushed.\n\nLEELA\nAlright don't panic. If we can get to\nthe ship, we can fly north and hide\nunder the polar icecaps for a few weeks.\n\nFRY\nHurry!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood idea!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat's the hold-up?\n\n[They make for the door. It opens and Bender is standing there\nstirring a bowl of slop.]\n\nBENDER\nFleeing somewhere?\n\nFRY\nUh, with you blocking the only escape\nroute? Don't be silly!\n\nBENDER\nIn that case brunch is served! Let's\ngo, move it out, stop crying Leela!\n\n[They all file out and Leela carries on crying. Farnsworth pokes\nhis head through the doorway.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nZoidberg, are you coming?\n\n[Zoidberg stops reaching for the bottle.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSure. Me.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBecause I don't want you touching that\nthing.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI know that. Surrender your mysteries\nto Zoidberg! Oh no! Professor will\nhit me. But if Zoidberg fixes it, then\nperhaps gifts! Ow, what? Ohh!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are sat around the table and\nBender dishes up.]\n\nBENDER\nToday, I've personalised each of your\nmeals. For example, Amy, you're cute,\nso I baked you a pony. Come on! Eat!\nI slaved all day over a filthy stove!\n\n[He walks into the kitchen.]\n\nHERMES\nThis is terrible!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood thing I secretly installed this\nwormhole in the table!\n\n[He presses a button and the wormhole opens in the middle of\nthe table and scrapes his food - a human heart and some guts\n- into it.]\n\nAMY\nWhere does the other end come out?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou know I'm not quite sure. Oh dear\nme!\n\n[He takes a cloth out of his lab coat and puts his hand in the\nwormhole and wipes the food from off his head. Enter Bender humming.\nHis antenna pop-ups and dings like a microwave. He takes something\ngreen out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nBENDER\nThe pie is ready. You guys like swarms\nof things right?\n\n[Things crawl around underneath the pie crust. Enter Zoidberg\nwearing a uncharacteristic long coat. The lab equipment pokes\nout from the coat and there is a cuckoo clock behind his head.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nCasual hello, it's me Zoidberg, act\nnaturally. Ow! Ouch! Get off of me!\nStop!\n\nLEELA\nHow interesting Dr Zoidberg. Do go on.\n\n[She scrapes her food into a plant and sits down. Bender doesn't\nnotice. He walks back towards the kitchen, humming. He notices\nthe dead plant.]\n\nBENDER\nHey check out the palm tree! It only\ngets sick when I cook brunch! How's\nthat for a coincidence Professor? With\nall your precious science!\n\n[He walks through the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender stirs a mop around in\na bucket of filthy water and wrings it out into some glasses.\nHe opens the door a little way and hears Fry talking.]\n\nFRY [FROM LOUNGE]\nMan, I don't wanna hurt Bender's feelings...\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]\n\nFRY\n...but this food actually tastes better\nas vomit!\n\nLEELA\nIt's unbearable! How much do you think\nit would cost to get my tongue removed?\n\n[Bender is standing in the doorway crying. He drops the tray\nof glasses and runs back into the kitchen. Whatever was in the\nglasses dissolves the floor.]\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Area. Bender opens his locker and takes\nout his personalised notepaper headed with \"A Note From Bender,\"\n\"A Ransom Note From Bender\" and \"A Plea For Attention From Bender.\"\nHe clicks his finger and a pen comes out and he starts writing\non the latter paper. He looks at the checklist. \"I Am Committing\nSuicide,\" \"I Am Getting A Tattoo\" and \"I Am Running Away.\" He\nticks the last one.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) And this time I mean it!\n\n[He ticks \"And This Time I Mean It.\"]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. Bender walks away from the building\nwith a bindle over his shoulder. He throws his chef's hat down\nand squeaking rats run out of it.]\n\n[Street. Bender walks down the street still crying.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, who am I kidding? It was stupid\nof me to ever dream of becoming a chef.\nI don't have what it takes and nothing\ncan change that. Then it's settled!\nElzar will teach me to cook!\n\n[Elzar's Kitchen.]\n\nELZAR\nAbsolutely not.\n\n[Bender has his arms wrapped around Elzar's legs.]\n\nBENDER\nBut I watch your show. You owe me!\n\nELZAR\nI owe you nothing! For starter's your\nantenna's in my crotch. Also I hate\nyou. Finally, you can't cook for squat.\n\n[Bender cries then suddenly stops.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat was the first one again?\n\nELZAR\nI hate you.\n\nBENDER\nI thought that was number two.\n\nELZAR\nI knocked it up a notch. Bam!\n\n[He points to the door.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg looks at the broken\nbottle.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAw, I'll never recombobulate this ship!\nWhen the Professor finds out, he'll\ntear me a new cloaca! Wait! What would\nthe robot do? Frame someone.\n\n[Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nWhat up?\n\n[Zoidberg laughs insanely.]\n\n[Planet Express: Bathroom. Fry is in the shower with his back\nto the door. Enter Zoidberg.]\n\nFRY\n(singing) I'm walking on sunshine!\nLa la la la sunshine!\n\n[Zoidberg replaces Fry's T-shirt with one that says \"I Hate Bottles\"\nand eats the original.]\n\n[New New York Rooftops. Bender sits on some pipes. He has 5 o'clock\nrust.]\n\nBENDER\n(crying) It's over! My dream of being\na chef is deadder than the cat I'm sitting\non!\n\n[Two hobos stand next to him.]\n\nHOBO\nGus old chum, let's give a friendly\nwelcome to this new robo.\n\n[Bender rolls up his sleeves.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat did you call me?\n\nGUS\nA robo. You know? A robot-hobo.\n\nBENDER\nOh OK I thought you said \"romo.\"\n\nHOBO\nNo offence intended my filthy friend.\nIn fact, why not join us and ride the\nspace rails?\n\n[Space Train. The train heads down a space track carrying trucks\nfrom such companies as Baltimore & Orion, Starlight Express and\nWrath-Of-Conrail. The train heads towards a small planet with\na giant prism sticking out of it. A truck door opens. The hobos\nare wearing spacesuits and Bender is with them.]\n\nGUS\nGet ready. We's gonna jump off at that\nswitching prism up ahead.\n\nHOBO\nWe're going nearly the speed of light\nso uh, roll when you land.\n\n[They jump and the train hits the prism and each truck flies\noff in a different direction.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Surface. The hobos roll when they land and Bender\nlands on his head.]\n\nBENDER\nOw.\n\n[Bumbase Alpha. Hobos and Robos warm themselves around fires.]\n\nGUS\nWelcome to Bumbase Alpha, the biggest\nhobo jungle in the quadrant.\n\nBENDER\nI've seen bigger. Oh wait I'm thinking\nof Eugene Oregon. Wait. A pie with\nhobo-lifting aroma? Who baked it?\n\nGUS\nHelmut Spargle. He used to be the greatest\nchef.\n\nHOBO\nHis restaurant was so high toned, the\nonly way to get reservations was to\ncreate a parallel universe where you\nalready had reservations.\n\nGUS\nYep. I once ate there back when I what\nwas a senator.\n\nBENDER\nYo Spargle, if you're such a great cook,\nhow'd you end up in this dump?\n\n[Spargle is a small, bald man with a German accent. He sighs.]\n\nSPARGLE\nAges ago I was the host of a TV show...\n\n[Flashback. A younger Helmut Spargle cooks in a studio kitchen.]\n\nSPARGLE\n(voice-over) ...Down Home Country Kitchen\nMit Helmut Spargle. But one day the\nextreme soda company that sponsored\nthe show decided it was too old fashioned.\n\n[A man dressed in a Jammin Orange Blast can suit walks in.]\n\nMAN\nSpargle, you're fired! We need a chef\nwho can attract today's younger extreme\ncooking show viewer.\n\n[Enter a younger Elzar.]\n\nSPARGLE\nElzar!\n\nELZAR\nGet lost old man! Bam!\n\n[Spargle's souffl\u00e9 collapses.]\n\nSPARGLE\nMein souffl\u00e9!\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nSPARGLE\nElzar had been seduced by the dark side\nof cooking. Cilantro, mango slasa, raspberry\nvinaigrette!\n\nBENDER\nThat twizzler!\n\nSPARGLE\nAs for me, I went temporarily insane\nand vound up here - making pies out\nof shoes.\n\nBENDER\nMy story's a lot like yours only more\ninteresting 'cause it involves robots.\nThat jerk Elzar ruined my dream of being\na chef too.\n\n[He eats a piece of Spargle's pie.]\n\nSPARGLE\nInteresting. You wish to become a cook,\nbut as a robot you have no sense of\ntaste.\n\nBENDER\nIt's so unfair! I have eight other senses\nbut I'd trade them all, even smission,\nto be able to taste.\n\n[He takes the pie out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nSPARGLE\nYou don't understand. Without the distraction\nof taste, your mind is free to touch\nthe Zen of pure flavour. You could become\nthe greatest chef ever.\n\nBENDER\nI could?\n\nSPARGLE\nYes. Just as Beethoven was a great composer\nbecause he was deaf!\n\nBENDER\nOr like how Rembrandt was blind and\nhad wooden hands!\n\nSPARGLE\nBender, hear me well, I shall train\nyou. But first you must forget everything\nyou know about cooking.\n\n[Bender presses a button on his body and he beeps.]\n\nBENDER\nDone.\n\n[Montage Bender trains as a chef to Joe Esposito's You're The\nBest \u00e0 la The Karate Kid. First he learns to peel hover potatoes\nblindfolded \u00e0 la Luke's Jedi training in A New Hope. Spargle\nputs a salad under Bender's ass and Bender grinds some peppercorns\nby putting them in his mouth and twisting his head. The groud\npepper drops onto the salad from his ass. Spargle gives him the\nthumbs up. Next Bender chops a vegetable very quickly with a\nknife and ends up chopping up half his arm as well. Spargle takes\nthe knife from him, shows it to some hobos and robos and then\nchops a tomato like someone would in those sharp knife adverts.\nThe hobos and robos applaud.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth chats to a Spanish\nfriend on the phone.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's right Ricardo, a ship in a bottle...!\nWhat's that...? Well hang on, I'll look.\n\n[He turns around and gasps. The bottle and ship are in pieces.\nHe drops the phone.]\n\nRICARDO [ON PHONE]\nOla? Professor? Qu\u00e9 pasa?\n\n[Planet Express: Accusing Parlour. There is a storm outside.\nIt is ten to midnight in the accusing parlour and Farnsworth,\nHermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Leela, Fry and Scruffy are assembled in\nthe room. Fry sits with his arms crossed and is not wearing his\njacket. Farnsworth paces in front of the fire with a flipchart\nto the side of him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI've gathered you all here in the accusing\nparlour because one of you is a miniature\nship wrecker!\n\n[Zoidberg gasps.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm acting astonished.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCertain clues suggest the culprit is\nnone other than our own...Philip J.\nFry!\n\n[Everyone gasps. Fry uncrosses his arms revealing his \"I Hate\nBottles\" T-shirt underneath.]\n\nFRY\nWhat?!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh it was a brilliant scheme but you\nmade one fatal mistake...leaving this\nconfession note.\n\n[He holds up a piece of paper with \"Fry Confesses\" written on\nit. On the bottom of the paper \"From The Desk Of Dr John Zoidberg,\nM.D.\" is printed.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nFry you scoundrel!\n\nFRY\nWell, I don't remember any of that but\nI don't have the wherewithal to defend\nmyself.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThen I have no choice but to charge\nyou the full cost of the materials.\n$10.\n\n[Zoidberg gasps. Fry takes $10 out of his wallet.]\n\nFRY\nThere you go.\n\n[Zoidberg hears violin strains and puts his claws to his head.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) What have I done?!\n\n[Bumbase Alpha. Spargle is seated at a table with hobos and robos\ngathered around. Bender walks out of a hut carrying a tray with\na cover on it. He hums and puts the tray on the table in front\nof Spargle.]\n\nSPARGLE\nYour training is complete, little dessert\nspoon. Now, just as the man who wishes\nto be world chess champion must win\nat least one game of chess so must you\nserve at least one edible meal. (whispering)\nSucceed and I shall reveal to you the\nage old secret (whispering more) of\nperfect flavour.\n\n[The crowd gasps.]\n\nGUS\nOoh yeah!\n\nBENDER\nSlop's on!\n\n[He lifts the lid. It certainly is slop.]\n\nGUS\nFine lookin' eats!\n\n[Spargle takes a bite and Bender looks on with anticipation.\nSpargle chews and the crowd stares. Spargle swallows.]\n\nSPARGLE\nIt is...acceptable.\n\n[The hobos cheer.]\n\nBENDER\nYahoo! Another thing I'm great at! Wait.\nWhy'd you stop eating master?\n\nSPARGLE\n(hoarse) Because...my stomach is about\nto explode.\n\n[The crowd gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat? My dinner killed you? Oh man!\n\nSPARGLE\n(hoarse) Oh it hurts. But don't lose\nconfidence. The important thing is that\nyou defeat Elzar after I am gone. And\nusing this, you cannot fail.\n\n[Bender takes it.]\n\nBENDER\nA diamond vial of Mrs Dash?\n\nSPARGLE\n(hoarse) No, it is the essence of pure\nflavour. A few drops will cause the\ninner perfection of any dinner to blossom\nforth. Oh! There goes my...life.\n\n[He dies and falls face first into the plate of slop. The crowd\ngasps.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll avenge you master. I swear, in\nthe presence of these drunken bums,\nthat I shall defeat Elzar!\n\nGUS\nOh I'm not drunk, I'm mentally ill!\nBut I like what what you said!\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Bender meets his opponent.]\n\nBENDER\nElzar, I'm a walking pile of your unfinished\nbusiness!\n\nELZAR\nWhy you -\n\n[Bender knocks a spice weasel off Hattie's table and turns to\nElzar.]\n\nBENDER\nHelmut Spargle has a message for you.\nHe says (hoarse) \"Ooo, I'm dead!\"\n\nELZAR\nSpargle huh? What he do, bland himself\nto death?\n\nBENDER\nNo. He was eating some food I made and\nby a crazy coincidence his stomach exploded.\nNow I'm here to avenge him.\n\nELZAR\nOK but it seems like you're the one\nwho killed him.\n\nBENDER\nMaybe so but you are his sworn enemy.\nI challenge you to a battle of the chefs.\n\n[He screws of his hand and smacks Elzar with it. The customers\ngasp.]\n\nCUSTOMER\nScandalous!\n\nELZAR\nVery well. We'll meet on the ancient\ntelevised battleground of Kitchen Coliseum!\nWhosever meal is best will claim the\ntitle of Iron Cook.\n\nBENDER\nIron Cook eh? I can't lose. I'm 30%\niron! You're going down! Uh, also I\nhad a reservation for one, under \"Dr\nBender.\"\n\n[The Planet Express ship crosses the city and lands outside the\nKitchen Coliseum: Home Of The Kitchen University Wildcats.]\n\n[Kitchen Coliseum. There are two kitchen areas on either side\nof the studio and huge pictures of Elzar and Bender in chef gear.\nThe room is darkened.]\n\nHIROKI\nPlease welcome the superintendant of\nKitchen Coliseum...Chairman Koji! No\nrobot chef has ever competed here but\ntoday one has barged his way in to challege\nfor the title of...\n\n[Birds fly out from under Koji's cloak.]\n\nKOJI\n...Iron Cookuru!\n\n[Bender and Elzar rise from the under the floor in front of their\npictures. The crowd cheers. Fry and the rest of the Planet Express\ncrew watch from the seats.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Yeah you show 'em!\n\n[In the main part of the studio Hiroki sits with several celebrities\nat a long table.]\n\nHIROKI\nLet's meet today's celebrity judges:\nCaptain of the Harlem Globetrotters,\nEthan Bubblegum Tate!\n\nTATE\nKonnichiwa brother!\n\nHIROKI\nTV anchor-monster Morbo!\n\nMORBO\nGreetings pathetic host!\n\nHIROKI\nAnd a woman who ended a thousand year\nwar with her apple dandies, Martha Stewart's\nhead!\n\nSTEWART\nThe secret is fresh pork.\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nHIROKI\nAnd now, chairman Koji will present\nthe theme ingredient to be used in every\ndish today.\n\nBENDER\n(quietly) If it's chicken: chicken \u00e0\nla king. If it's fish: fish \u00e0 la king.\nIf it's turkey: fish \u00e0 la king!\n\n[Koji pulls a sheet off the ingredient.]\n\nKOJI\nSoylent Greuu!\n\n[The camera faces the soylent green and the caption \"Soylent\nGreen\" appears.]\n\nHIROKI\nSoylent Green, a classic ingredient\nof gourment cooking. And the battle\nis on. Aki, what's Elzar making?\n\nAKI\nWell Hiroki-san, when I asked him he\nasked what business it was of mine and\nconjectured that my mother was a prostitute.\n\nSTEWART\nIn the English countryside many prostitutes\ndecorate their rooms with festive gourds.\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender rolls some dough with his hands.]\n\nFEMALE ANNOUNCER\n30 minutes to go.\n\n[Bender sits on the dough and starts rolling it.]\n\nHIROKI\nLook at Bender roll that dough!\n\nTATE\nI've never seen such confident, powerful\nstrokes of the ass!\n\nSTEWART\nYou've never seen mine!\n\nTATE\n(sexfully) No I haven't!\n\n[Morbo gives him a weird look.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nFEMALE ANNOUNCER\nFifteen minutes remaining.\n\n[Elzar gives a signal and Sal rolls a hovercrane into the studio\ncarrying a huge model built from soylent green.]\n\nHIROKI\nThe iron cook is bringing in his signature\ncreation, a working pastry replica of\ndowntown Venice.]\n\n[A cameraman points a camera at the model and a shrimp rows a\ngondola down the canal singing La Donna E Mobile. In the audience\na man walks around with a box strapped to his front with $10.00\nwritten in it.]\n\nMAN\nCommemorative turkey basters, get your\ncommemorative turkey basters.\n\nFRY\nYo, hook me up. My turkey is dry and\nI've tried everything. Oh right. Never\nmind.\n\n[Zoidberg hears the violin strains again and puts his claws to\nhis head.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh the guilt! The unbearable guilt!\n\nFEMALE ANNOUNCER\nFifteen seconds.\n\n[Elzar arranges his food on the plates and man wheels in a rack\nof spice weasels. Elzar selects one.]\n\nELZAR\nBam!\n\n[He takes the spice weasel off the rack and gives his food a\nblast with it.]\n\nFEMALE ANNOUNCER\nTen seconds.\n\n[Bender hammers his food and arranges it on a tray. He looks\nat it and then takes out Spargle's vial.]\n\nBENDER\nMaster Spargle. If you can hear me up\nthere in that ditch where I left you,\nthis is for you.\n\n[He pours some flavour onto the food and a gong sounds.]\n\nKOJI\nTime, uperuu!\n\n[Time Lapse. A \"Tasting\" caption appears on the screen.]\n\nHIROKI\nThe iron cook Neptunian has gone all\nout to please the judges. He's even\ngarnished the salad with $100 bills.\nLet's see what they think.\n\n[Elzar puts plates of food in front of Tate and Morbo and scrapes\nsome into Stewart's jar.]\n\nTATE\nMmm, soylent green is my kind of people!\n\n[He eats some more. Morbo sucks up his soylent spaghetti.]\n\nMORBO\nScrumptious. Morbo will store this in\nhis sack for future digestion.\n\nSTEWART\nI'm swimming in my own soylent waste.\nIt's a good thing.\n\n[The gong sounds again.]\n\nHIROKI\nNext, up, challenger Bender. A student\nof the legendary Hemut Spargle, Bender\nis some sort of wonderful mechanical\nman.\n\n[Bender puts the plates in from of Tate and Morbo who don't react\ntoo well. He scrapes some into Stewart's jar and she completely\ndisappears under it.]\n\nSTEWART\nOoo...delicious!\n\nTATE\nThis food looks kind of funky, but it\ntastes kind of funkay!\n\nMORBO\nThe challenger's ugly food has shown\nus that even hideous things can be sweet\non the inside.\n\n[He starts crying. Tate hugs him and pats his back.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The caption \"Judgement\" appears on the screen.]\n\nHIROKI\nAnd now, judgement. The winner will\nbecome the new iron cook, the loser\nis doomed to scrub. Who's confection\nachieves perfection? Who's foodstuff\nwill be the good stuff?\n\n[Leela crosses her fingers.]\n\nKOJI\nChallengeruu Benderuu!\n\n[Everyone applauds.]\n\nFRY\nYay!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's my robot! I own him!\n\nBENDER\nYou honour me chairman Koji.\n\nKOJI\nDomo arigato, Mr Roboto.\n\nBENDER\nChairman-san, I came here with one goal.\nTo humiliate Elzar in a large stadium.\nI believe I'e done that.\n\n[On the other side of the studio Elzar scrubs the pots and pans.]\n\nELZAR\nNo question.\n\nBENDER\nBut the true Zen of flavour is not found\nin a coliseum. It is found in a small\nkitchen, with friends. That is why I\ndecline the title of Iron Cook and accept\nonly the lesser title of Zinc Saucier\nwhich I just made up. Also it comes\nwith double prize money.\n\n[Everyone cheers. But Zoidberg is not in his seat. He runs onto\nthe platform next to Bender and Koji.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWait! Everyone must know. I broke the\nProfessor's bottled ship. And what\nis worse, I framed my dearest friend\nFry! (crying) I can never repay him\nhis ten dollars. So I must take the\nonly honourable path. what the killing\nmyself. Here I go already. Huh?\n\nKOJI\nOh! That sword cost 5000 dolluu!\n\n[Zoidberg drops the sword.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nFry did it!\n\n[He runs away, wooping.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch the whole show\non TV. Bender turns it off.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd that's how I defeated Elzar - thanks\nto Spargle's magic liquid.\n\nLEELA\nYes, we were there. And we just finished\nwatching it on TV.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm. Let me see that vial Bender. Good\nLord! According to the spectrolizer,\nSpargle's magic ingredient was...water.\nOrdinary water!\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nHERMES\nNo!\n\nFRY\nAh, so the real gift Spargle gave you\nwas confidence. The confidence to be\nyour best.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, ordinary water. Laced with nothing\nmore than a few spoonfuls of LSD.\n\n[Bender takes the vial.]\n\nBENDER\nThe important thing is, by my standards,\nI won fair and square. Now, who wants\nbrunch? Cooked with plenty of...\"confidence\"?\n\nLEELA\nI'm in!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI do!\n\n[They all cheer and the episode plays out with a riff from Cream's\nSunshine Of Your Love.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Where-No-Fan-Has-Gone-Before.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 412\n\n\"WHERE NO FAN HAS GONE BEFORE\"\n\nBy\n\nDavid A. Goodman\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Where No Fan Has Gone Before.]\n\n[In the establishing shot, Star Trek-like music plays and the\nPlanet Express ship flies through space with the trademark warp\nnacelles featured in Star Trek attached to it.]\n\nSHATNER\n(voice-over) Shatner's log, airdate\n... unknown.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. The room has been converted to resemble\na court setting. Zapp Brannigan is judge while Bender and Leela\nsit with the heads in jars of William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy,\nGeorge Takei, Walter Koenig, DeForest Kelley and Nichelle Nichols.]\n\nSHATNER\nThe impossible has happened. It would\ntake days to recount the events I have\nwitnessed. So, settle in. It all began--\n\nZAPP\nQuiet, you! This court martial is now\nin session. The honourably sexy Zapp\nBrannigan residing. Bring in the accused.\n\n[Kif wheels in Fry in the wheelchair used by Captain Pike in\nthe Star Trek episode The Menagerie. Fry looks paralysed. The\nheads gasp.]\n\nTAKEI\nOh, my!\n\nZAPP\nPhilip J. Fry, you stand accused of\ntravelling to the forbidden planet Omega\n3, a crime punishable by 12 concurrent\ndeath sentences. Do you understand the\ncharges?\n\n[Kif leans over Fry's shoulder.]\n\nKIF\nOne beep for \"yes\", two beeps for \"no\".\n\n[Fry beeps once.]\n\nZAPP\n\"Yes\". So noted. Do you plead guilty?\nDouble \"yes\". Guilty! I will now carry\nout the punishment. Kif, my gun.\n\nLEELA\nWait! He plead not guilty.\n\nZAPP\nOrder! Order in the court! Very well\nthen, Mr. Fry. Please recount the events\nthat led you to be guilty.\n\n[Fry beeps in Morse code.]\n\n[Flashback. \"A Few Days Earlier\".]\n\n[Rent-A-Wreck Video. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg look at\nthe videos on the shelves.]\n\nLEELA\nThe Professor said he was taking a brief\nnap, so we only have time for six movies.\n\n[Bender scoops up some videos.]\n\nBENDER\nLets take these six Jim Carrey movies\nand record over them.\n\nFRY\nYou know what movies average out to\nbe really good? The first six Star Trek\nmovies!\n\n[The rest of the crew gasp, a camera zooms in on Fry and other\ncustomers panic.]\n\nCLERK\n(shouting) Everybody hit the deck!\n\n[Everybody falls to the floor.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) Sh! Those words are forbidden!\n\nFRY\nWhat words? Star Trek?\n\n[A klaxon goes off and a red light flashes.]\n\nLEELA\nSh!\n\nZOIDBERG\nShut your gills!\n\n[A siren is heard from outside.]\n\nBENDER\nThat sound! It's patrol car 718! Hide\nhim!\n\n[Leela and Zoidberg grab Fry and stuff him in Bender's chest\ncabinet.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Rent-A-Wreck Video. Leela, Bender and Zoidberg\nleave as Smitty and URL pull up and run into the shop without\nnoticing them.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Fade to: Ships Cargo Bay. Fry is still beeping.]\n\nZAPP\nThe court is intrigued. Perhaps we could\nhear more about these forbidden words\nfrom someone with a sexilly seductive\nvoice.\n\n[Nichelle Nichols is about to speak.]\n\nTAKEI\nWith pleasure. You see, the show was\nbanned after the Star Trek wars.\n\nZAPP\nYou mean after the vast migration of\nStar Wars fans?\n\nNICHOLS\nNo, that was the Star Wars trek. By\nthe 23rd century, Star Trek fandom had\nevolved from a loose association of\nnerds with skin problems into a full-blown\nreligion.\n\n[On the screen, a service is held at the Church Of Trek.]\n\nPRIEST\nAnd Scotty beamed them to the Klingon\nship where they would be no Tribble\nat all.\n\nCONGREGATION\nAll power to the engines.\n\nNICHOLS\nAs country after country fell under\nits influence, world leaders became\nthreatened by the movements power.\nAnd so the Trekkies were executed in\nthe manner most befitting virgins.\n\n[On the rim of a volcano two men throw Trekkies into the flames.]\n\nMAN\nHe's dead, Jim! He's dead, Jim! He's\ndead, Jim!\n\nNICHOLS\nFinally, the sacred texts were banned.\n\n[The episodes are put inside a torpedo casing.]\n\nTAKEI\nThe last copies of the 79 episodes and\nsix movies were dumped on the forbidden\nworld Omega 3. Along with that blooper\nreel where the door doesn't close all\nthe way.\n\n[As he speaks a ship that looks like an Eagle from Space 1999\nfires the torpedo. It hits the planet like Spock's coffin hit\nthe Genesis planet in Star Trek: The Wrath Of Khan. The video\nends.]\n\nNIMOY\nThus, Star Trek was forever scoured\nfrom human memory.\n\nBENDER\nAnother classic science-fiction show\ncancelled before its time.\n\n[Zapp tuts.]\n\nZAPP\nI've never heard of such a brutal and\nshocking injustice that I cared so little\nabout. Next witness.\n\nKIF\nBender the robot, please take the stand.\n\n[Fry steps out of the wheelchair, perfectly healthy.]\n\nFRY\nShe's all yours, buddy!\n\n[Bender gets in.]\n\nBENDER\nI'd only met the defendant, Fry, once,\nbut I knew he was up to no good.\n\nZAPP\nPlease use the beeps.\n\n[Bender grumbles and starts to beep.]\n\n[Flashback.]\n\n[Fade to: Head Museum. Fry runs into the 20th century room.]\n\nFRY\nMr. Nimoy, I came as soon as I heard\nwhat happened centuries ago. I can't\nbelieve your show was banned.\n\nNIMOY\nI have absolutely no idea what you're\ntalking about.\n\n[A camera tracks Fry but he ignores it.]\n\nFRY\nYou know? 1966? 79 episodes, about 30\ngood ones.\n\nNIMOY\nOh, really, I've done too many things\nto remember one particular TV series.\nBut if-if you want to discuss my books\nof poetry--\n\nFRY\nCome on! Remember that episode where\nyou go high on spores and smacked Kirk\naround?\n\nNIMOY\nNo. Perhaps you're thinking of my one\nman show about Vincent van Spock-- Uh,\nuh, I mean van Gogh! Damn!\n\nFRY\nAha! You can't escape it!\n\nNIMOY\n(crying) Oh, you're right, I can't.\n\nFRY\nUh, jeez, don't get upset. I mean, OK\nI outwitted you, but--\n\nNIMOY\n(crying) No, it's my fellow cast members.\n300 years ago they left Earth behind.\n\n[Flashback ... again.]\n\n[Fade to: Launch Pad. Star Trek cast members' heads in jars are\nloaded into a rocket.]\n\nSHATNER\nThis planet doesn't appreciate us anymore,\nLeonard.\n\nNIMOY\nBill, you are, and always shall be,\nmy friend. But I just signed a six-month\nlease on my apartment. I can't walk\naway from a commitment like that.\n\nSHATNER\nVery well, my friend.\n\n[His jar is loaded into the rocket. The rocket blasts off leaving\nNimoy behind.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Fade to: Head Museum. Nimoy sobs.]\n\nNIMOY\n(crying) Why did the world turn its\nback on our obvious greatness?\n\nFRY\nI'm literally angry with rage! Your\nco-stars may be gone but we can still\nget those episode tapes back for the\nwhole world to see. Come on!\n\nNIMOY\nOh!\n\n[He grabs Nimoy's jar from the shelf, tucks it under his arm\nand runs out. Jonathan Frakes' jar hops forward.]\n\nFRAKES\nYes! Front row!\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The ship is in the hangar and Fry starts to power\nit up.]\n\nLEELA\nYou can't go to Omega 3; It's forbidden!\nI forbid you!\n\nFRY\nBut we have to! The world needs Star\nTrek to give people hope for the future.\n\nLEELA\nBut it's set 800 years in the past!\n\nBENDER\nYeah, why is this so important to you?\n\nFRY\n'Cause it-it taught me so much. Like\nhow you should accept people, whether\nthey be black, white, Klingon or even\nfemale. But most importantly, when I\ndidn't have any friends, it made me\nfeel like maybe I did.\n\nLEELA\nWell, that is touchingly pathetic. I\nguess I can't let you go alone.\n\nBENDER\nI'll go too, with Leonard's permission,\nof course.\n\n[Nimoy nods.]\n\n[The ship flies into a solar system.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're entering the Omega system.\n\n[An alarm goes off.]\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nWarning: You are now in forbidden space.\n\nBENDER\nForbidden shmer-shmidden! What are they\ngonna do, write a letter? (sarcastic)\nOoh, I'm so scared!\n\n[The ship shakes and another alarms goes off.]\n\nLEELA\nI've lost control of the ship!\n\n[Bender panics.]\n\n[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship hits the surface, flips over\nand lands upside down. The crew get out, Fry carrying Nimoy.\nBender lights a cigar and Leela gasps.]\n\nFRY\nOh, dip!\n\nNIMOY\nDip, indeed!\n\n[They look around in amazement. There are Star Trek props and\nsets everywhere.]\n\nFRY\nIt's all stuff from that forbidden show.\n\nNIMOY\nSo many cardboard sets, so many memories.\nIf only the others--\n\nSHATNER\nI guess that's my cue.\n\n[He steps out of the \"Guardian of Forever\" prop with a body and\nwearing a yellow Star Trek uniform.]\n\nNIMOY\nBill!\n\nSHATNER\nL-Dog!\n\nNIMOY\n(laughing) Hey! This is wonderful!\n\nSHATNER\nOh, man.\n\nNIMOY\nI feel like hugging you.\n\nSHATNER\nWell I would except you have no body!\nAnd we're both men.\n\n[Nichelle Nichols steps out, also with a body. She is followed\nby the other actors.]\n\nNIMOY\nNichelle! George! Walter! DeForest!\nWelshy!\n\nFRY\nWelshy?\n\nNICHOLS\nWe did some musical reunion specials\nin the 2200's but the guy who played\nScotty had trouble yodelling.\n\nTAKEI\nEver since then, Welshy has been a welcome\nparticipant in our escapades.\n\n[Welshy says something in Welsh.]\n\nFRY\nI can't believe it! How'd you all end\nup here?\n\nSHATNER\nWe were on our way to Welshy's cousin's\nhouse to stay in the guest room when\nour ship was pulled down to this planet\nand crashed, just like yours.\n\nKOENIG\nWhen we woke up, we had these bodies.\n\nFRY\nSay it in Russian!\n\n[Koenig sighs.]\n\nKOENIG\nVen ve voke up ve had these wodies.\n\n[Fry squeals.]\n\nFRY\nNow say \"nuclear wessels\"!\n\nKOENIG\nNo!\n\nTAKEI\nYou'll love it here. Everything is provided\nfor us. And we never age. Check out\nthese abs!\n\n[He rips his shirt revealing his body.]\n\nBENDER\nYowza!\n\nLEELA\nBut who's doing all this for you?\n\nSHATNER\nYou know, we never thought about it.\nWe're famous celebrities -- we're used\nto this sort of treatment.\n\n[A deep, booming voice interrupts them.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nIt is I!\n\n[Everyone gasps and looks up. Above them is a hovering, green\ncloud.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa! What a cheesy effect!\n\nMELLLVAR\nI am not an effect! You doubt my power?\n\nBENDER\nI do.\n\n[Melllvar zaps Welshy with a bolt of lightning and he falls over.]\n\nWELSHY\n(shouting) Aye!\n\n[Fry runs to him and holds him.]\n\nFRY\n(screaming) Welshy!\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay.]\n\nZAPP\nThis court will now hear some very sensual\ntestimony from this court's ex-lover,\nTuranga Leela.\n\n[Leela is already in the wheelchair.]\n\nLEELA\nGo yourself.\n\n[She beeps.]\n\n[Flashback.]\n\n[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface. The flashback continues from earlier.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nBehold another power, different from\nthe one you saw earlier.\n\n[Melllvar floats over Nimoy's jar and gives him a body and a\nblue uniform.]\n\nNIMOY\nHey! A body! Buff, tan. Yeah, this is\nmine alright!\n\nFRY\nAlright, you gas, what's the deal?\n\nMELLLVAR\nCenturies ago, the videotaped adventures\nof the Enterprise crew rained down upon\nmy planet. Over and over, I watched\nthem. Especially the five with the energy\nbeings. I am Melllvar! Seer of the tapes,\nknower of the episodes! Tremble before\nmy encyclopaedic knowledge of Star Trek!\n\nFRY\nTremble? I laugh. Nobody knows more\nabout Star Trek than me!\n\nMELLLVAR\nI beg to differ. Long have I waited\nfor the one who played Spock. At last,\nwe can begin.\n\n[A banner reading \"Welcome To Trekfest 3002\" appears behind him,\nhanging from a prop.]\n\nFRY\nCool! A Star Trek convention!\n\nNIMOY\nUh, Melllvar, can you give us some idea\nof how long this is going to last?\n\nMELLLVAR\nUntil time stops.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nSHATNER\nHe can't do this!\n\nNIMOY\nYou can't be serious!\n\nMELLLVAR\nNow, we have a full schedule of events--\n\nBENDER\nUh, can people who hate Star Trek leave?\n\nKOENIG\nGood question!\n\nMELLLVAR\nNo, you have to stay even longer.\n\n[Bender and Koenig groan.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The actors sit at a long table for autographs. Nimoy\nsnores. Melllvar gets Takei's autograph and Fry stands behind\nhim, nervous.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nUm, uh, sign it to Melllvar. \"Melllvar\"\nhas three \"L's\".\n\nTAKEI\nI think I've done enough conventions\nto know how to spell \"Melllvar\".\n\n[Time Lapse. The cast and Melllvar are standing in front of a\nbackdrop having their photo taken by Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nSay \"nerd\"!\n\nALL\nNerd!\n\n[Time Lapse. Shatner is on a stage spoken-wording Eminem's The\nReal Slim Shady.]\n\nSHATNER\n(spoken-word) I'm Slim Shady,\n\nYes, I'm the real Shady,\n\nAll you other Slim Shadys are just imitating,\n\nSo won't the real Slim Shady please stand up,\n\nPlease stand up,\n\nPlease stand up.\n\nKOENIG\nHow can you do a spoken-word version\nof a rap song?\n\nMELLLVAR\nHe found a way.\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Melllvar are playing \"Ambassador Sarek's\nTrivia Challenge\" with Leela as questionmaster. Fry has 500 points\nand Melllvar has 300.]\n\nLEELA\nFor one hundred quatloos: Who did the\ncaptain maroon on Ceti Alpha V?\n\n[Shatner leaps up.]\n\nSHATNER (SHOUTING)\nKhaaan!\n\n[Fry buzzes.]\n\nFRY\nUh ... Khan?\n\nLEELA\nCorrect.\n\n[Fry's score goes up to 600.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nMy button has broken. The trivia contest\nhas ended. I-I now have a surprise.\nYou will perform a fan script, written\nby the ultimate Trek fan.\n\nFRY\nYou have my fan script?\n\nMELLLVAR\nI meant me! Melllvar is the ultimate\nfan!\n\nFRY\n(smug) Oh, I was confused because the\nscoreboard says something different.\n\n[Melllvar growls.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nTrivia contest over! Take your scripts!\nWe have limited rehearsal time. Now,\nI didn't make enough copies of the script\nso George and Walter will have to share.\n\n[Takei reluctantly shares.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, you probably don't want us to see\nyou rehearsing, or it'll give away the\nending.\n\nMELLLVAR\nThat's right! The ending must not be\nruined.\n\nLEELA\nWe'll go wait in the ship.\n\nMELLLVAR\nOK.\n\nFRY\nNot 'til I get my 600 quatloos!\n\n[Leela and Bender grab Fry and pull him away.]\n\n[Ships Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet.]\n\nFRY\nThis is wrong. We shouldn't have abandoned\nthem there.\n\nBENDER\nI dunno, I'm feeling pretty good about\nit.\n\nLEELA\nI didn't wanna leave them either, Fry,\nbut what are we supposed to do?\n\nFRY\nWell, usually on the show someone would\ncome up with a complicated plan then\nexplain it with a simple analogy.\n\nLEELA\nHmm. If we can re-route engine power\nthrough the primary weapons and reconfigure\nthem to Melllvar's frequency, that should\noverload his electro-quantum structure.\n\nBENDER\nLike putting too much air in a balloon!\n\nFRY\nOf course! It's so simple!\n\n[The ship turns around and heads back to the planet.]\n\n[Omega 3 Surface. The cast are on the set of the Enterprise bridge\nrehearsing with their scripts.]\n\nSHATNER\n(reading) Alas, my ship, whom I love\nlike a woman, is .. .disabled. Oh,\nLord!\n\nNIMOY\n(reading) Fascinating, captain, and\nlogical too. Yet we need some help.\n\nTAKEI\n(reading) Look, captain, Melllvar will\nhelp us.\n\n[He turns around and points to the door. It eventually opens\nand Melllvar floats through.]\n\nKOENIG\n(reading) Keptin, I wope he will welp\nour ... vessel.\n\nMELLLVAR\nWessel! You're not acting hard enough!\n\nNIMOY\nMelllvar, you have to respect your actors.\nWhen I directed Star Trek IV I got a\nmagnificent performance out of Bill\nbecause I respected him so much.\n\nSHATNER\nAnd when I directed Star Trek V I got\na magnificent performance out of me,\nbecause I respected me so much!\n\n[The other actors roll their eyes.]\n\n[Ships Jeffries Tube. Bender welds something in the Planet Express\nships equivalent to Scotty's tube.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) OK! I'm done re-kafoobling\nthe energy motron ... or, whatever.\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nFire!\n\n[She pauses then presses the \"FIRE!\" button on the control panel\nherself.]\n\n[Orange phaser beams diverge from the ship.]\n\n[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The fan script performance continues.]\n\nNICHOLS\n(reading) My, what a handsome energy\ncreature you are. I love you. Hey,\nyou wrote it!\n\n[Melllvar grows in size and the actors step backwards.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship shakes. Fry gets the obligatory\nconsole exploding in his face like in Star Trek. Smoke comes\nout of machinery and sparks fly.]\n\nLEELA\nIts not working! He's drawing straight\nfrom our weapons.\n\nFRY\nLike a balloon and ... something bad\nhappens.\n\n[Melllvar turns into a giant green hand \u00e0 la Apollo in the Star\nTrek episode Who Mourns For Adonis?.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Leela scream.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship backs away. The hand grabs and\npulls it back down to the planet.]\n\n[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The ship crashes and the engine falls\noff. The crew crawl out from underneath.]\n\nBENDER\nYup!\n\n[Melllvar and the Star Trek actors are nearby.]\n\nLEELA\nSo, uh, how's rehearsal going?\n\nMELLLVAR\nLousy. Here I've been admiring a bunch\nof actors while you, a crew of genuine\nspace heroes, risked your lives to save\nthem.\n\nNIMOY\nHey! We've done heroic things too.\n\nNICHOLS\nYeah! In the third season I kissed Shatner!\n\nMELLLVAR\nSilence! My whole world has turned upside-down.\nI have but one option.\n\nKOENIG\nKeep them and let us go?\n\nMELLLVAR\nNo! To determine who is more worthy\nof my fanatical devotion I shall pit\nyou together against each other in armed\ncombat ... To the death!\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nWhere'd you get an idiotic idea like\nthat?\n\nMELLLVAR\nEpisodes 19, 46, 56 and 77.\n\nFRY\nGreat list. Except, you forgot episode\n66!\n\n[He chuckles.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nI was getting to that one!\n\n[He zaps Welshy's corpse and it explodes.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay.]\n\nZAPP\nSo Melllvar ordered a battle to the\ndeath. I assume no one survived.\n\n[Leela sighs.]\n\nLEELA\nCan we get on with this? My foot's getting\ntired!\n\n[Flashback.]\n\n[Fade to: Omega 3 Surface.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nThis will be your standard battle to\nthe death. The only weapons: Whatever\nyou can find. But I warn you, do nothing\nuntil I have signalled the start of\ncombat. OK, start.\n\n[The Star Trek cast and Planet Express crew run off in different\ndirections.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The actors hide behind a covered wagon on a Western\nset. A tumbleweed blows by. Shatner rips his shirt.]\n\nKOENIG\nI don't have much experience at fighting--\nExcept with you guys.\n\nSHATNER\nI have an idea. Wasn't there an episode\nwhere I threw my shoe at the enemy?\n\nNIMOY\nYou mean Doohan?\n\n[They both laugh and high five.]\n\nSHATNER\nWhoever it was, I did it like this.\n\n[He takes a boot off and throws it at Takei's face.]\n\nTAKEI\nOw!\n\n[Shatner hops.]\n\nSHATNER\nMy foot's cold!\n\n[By the \"Guardian of Forever\" prop, Leela drops a pile of sticks\nnext to Fry.]\n\nLEELA\nThere, we can make these into spears.\n\nFRY\nAnd we can tie these caterpillars together\nto make bow strings for bows and arrows.\n\nBENDER\nAnd we can use this machine gun to shoot\nthem! Yee-haw! That was fun!\n\n[On a rock-face, the actors separate. Shatner, Nichols and Takei\nremain. Shatner holds a bamboo stick.]\n\nNICHOLS\nWhat if I distract them with my famous\nfan dance?\n\nSHATNER\nOh, that's good, good, good, good. And\nthen, George, you give them a karate\nchop!\n\nTAKEI\nI find that offensive. Just because\nI'm of Japanese ancestry you assume\nI know karate. Have I ever led you to\nbelieve I've studied karate?\n\nSHATNER\nWell, no, but you never talk about yourself.\n\nTAKEI\n(sadly) Maybe if you showed a little\ninterest.\n\n[Elsewhere, Fry tries out his bow and arrow.]\n\nFRY\nWell, here goes nothing.\n\n[He tries to fire the arrow but the bow breaks and the caterpillars\ncrawl all over his face. He falls over. Nichols appears from\nbehind some rocks and does the fan dance from Star Trek V.]\n\nNICHOLS\n(sexfully) Hello, boys!\n\n[She dances. Bender zooms in.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa!\n\n[Takei sneaks up behind him and chops him on the shoulder.]\n\nTAKEI\nHi-yah!\n\n[Bender screams. On a cliff, Leela and Shatner edge their way\naround a rock, facing opposite directions. They bump into each\nother and turn around. Leela screams and Shatner gasps.]\n\nSHATNER\nThere's no right way to hit a woman.\n\nLEELA\nThen do it the wrong way.\n\nSHATNER\nFine. Yah!\n\n[He kicks her and knocks her down. She gets back up.]\n\nLEELA\nIs that all you've got? Hi-yah!\n\n[She does a roundhouse on him and hits him in the eye. He groans\nand raises his fists, ready to hit her.]\n\nSHATNER\nSee you in h--\n\n[Leela hits him in the face. He hits back and she dodges his\npunch and kicks him in the chest. He flies back and hits the\nground. She jumps on him and repeatedly hits him in the face.\nFry fights DeForest Kelley while Bender takes on Nimoy, Koenig\nand Takei.]\n\nBENDER\nCome on, Walter!\n\nNIMOY\nTake that!\n\n[He hits Bender with a stick. Fry pushes Kelley away and Nichols\ncartwheels onto him, yelling. She locks his head between her\nthighs and pulls his hair.]\n\nFRY\nIt hurts!\n\nNIMOY\nLet's see if this actually works! Hm.\nOw! Ow! Ow!\n\nKOENIG\nMy face!\n\nTAKEI\nOw! My face too!\n\n[Shatner and Leela are both down. Shatner gets up and offers\nher his hand.]\n\nSHATNER\nMay I? Oh!\n\n[She picks up a rock and holds it over him.]\n\nMELLLVAR\nExcellent! Excellent!\n\n[Shatner holds out his hand.]\n\nSHATNER\nLeela, please. This is exactly what\nMelllvar wants. We're just pawns in\nhis diabolical game of checkers. Can't\nwe resolve our differences some other\nway?\n\n[A bigger pink energy cloud wearing ugly glasses appears next\nto Melllvar.]\n\nMELLLVAR'S MOTHER\nMelllvar! Dinner time!\n\nMELLLVAR\nAw, but Mom, I'm playing with my collectables!\n\nMELLLVAR'S MOTHER\nNow!\n\n[Melllvar groans and disappears.]\n\nFRY\nAll this time we thought he was a powerful\nsuper-being, yet he was just a child.\n\nMELLLVARS'S MOTHER\nHe's not a child, he's 34!\n\n[She disappears.]\n\nBENDER\nAlright, Koenig, I've wanted to do this\nfor years!\n\n[He grabs him by his shirt and holds up his fist. Fry grabs his\narm.]\n\nFRY\nBender, wait! This is our chance to\nescape, before Melllvar comes back.\nBut we all need to work together.\n\n[Time Lapse. They run onto the cliff and find Leela and Shatner\nmaking out. Shatner rubs Leela's back.]\n\nSHATNER\nI love you so much!\n\n[Nimoy clears his throat.]\n\nNIMOY\nHello?\n\n[They both look up.]\n\nFRY\nWe've decided to work together.\n\nNIMOY\nUh, so did they.\n\n[Shatner gets up and elbows Nimoy.]\n\nSHATNER\nNow, how do we escape?\n\nLEELA\nWe can't use our ship; We have life\nsupport but the engines are wrecked.\n\nTAKEI\nIronic Because our engines work but\nour life support systems don't.\n\nLEELA\nHey, if your engines work--\n\nTAKEI\nAnd your life support systems work--\n\nFRY\nStop! You're just goin' around in circles!\n(to himself) Think, Fry, think! Everyone's\ndepending on you.\n\n[Time Lapse: Takei and Leela finish welding warp nacelles onto\nthe hull of the Planet Express ship.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The ship takes off but stalls and falls.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're too heavy. You guys need to lose\nsome weight, fast!\n\n[Cut to: Omega 3 Surface. The side door of the ship opens and\nthe decapitated bodies of the Star Trek cast are thrown out.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The actors heads are in jars. Fry wheels\nin the video case.]\n\nFRY\nLook, Leonard, we're light enough to\nkeep the tapes! Isn't that great?\n\nNIMOY\nI'm living in a gefilte fish jar.\n\n[The ship flies away from the planet.]\n\nFRY\nWe did it!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\n[Behind the ship, another ship de-cloaks. There is the sound\nof Melllvar laughing and the ship shoots at the Planet Express\nship.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nFRY\nMelllvar's got a spaceship!\n\nMELLLVAR\nYes, in mint condition. And you made\nme take it out of the package!\n\n[He shoots at them some more. The ship approaches a familiar\nship.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nThe Nimbus! We're saved!\n\n[A screen comes down from above Leela's head.]\n\nZAPP\nYou're under arrest. Prepare to be\nboarded.\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Ships Cargo Bay.]\n\nZAPP\nSo I boarded you, eh. What happened\nnext?\n\nLEELA\nYou started this stupid court martial.\nNow if you don't mind, we're still fighting\nMelllvar!\n\n[Melllvar strafes the ship.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone runs in.]\n\n[Leela turns the ship around, back the way they came. Melllvar\nfollows, shooting more.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Everyone falls over.]\n\nLEELA\nOne more hit and we're done for!\n\nTAKEI\nLet's take 'em out with us. Do you guys\nhave a self-destruct code? Like \"destruct\nsequence 1-A, 2-B, 3--\"\n\n[Bender's head explodes, leaving some wires, coils and his mouth\npoking out of his body.]\n\nBENDER\nThanks a lot, Takei, now everybody knows!\n\nMELLLVAR\nIf I can't have the original cast of\nStar Trek, no one will! Prepare to die!\n\nFRY\nWait! If they mean that much to you,\nwhy do you wanna kill them?\n\nMELLLVAR\nBecause I ... I ... I dunno what I'd\ndo without them.\n\nFRY\nMelllvar, you can't let a TV show be\nyour whole life. You can do anything\nyou want. Look at Walter Koenig: After\nStar Trek, he became an actor.\n\nKOENIG\nNot just an actor, but a well-rounded\nperson, with my own friends and credit\ncards and keys.\n\nMELLLVAR\nWell, I guess I could move out of my\nparents' basement ... maybe get a temp\njob.\n\nFRY\nWhoa, whoa! One step at a time.\n\nMELLLVAR\nI thank you, Fry. You know, you and\nI are of a kind. In a different reality\nI could have called you \"friend\".\n\nFRY\nEpisode 10, Balance Of Terror.\n\nMELLLVAR\nMore like episode nine, loser! In your\nface! Victory is mine!\n\n[He turns his ship around and flies away, laughing.]\n\n[Cut to: Ships Cokpit. Everyone watches him return to the planet]\n\nSHATNER\nI wonder, my friends, was he really\nsuch an evil energy gas?\n\nNICHOLS\nHe did give us eternal youth.\n\nKOENIG\n24-hour Laundromat.\n\nTAKEI\nA full assortment of rum, both spiced\nand regular.\n\nNIMOY\nTruly, it was a paradise.\n\nFRY\nAnd all you had to put up with was one\nreally annoying Star Trek fan.\n\n[The heads catch on.]\n\nSHATNER\nLet's get the hell outta here!\n\n[The ship flies away like at the end of every Star Trek episode.]\n\n[Closing Credits. A pseudo-Star Trek theme plays over stills\nfrom the episode. An additional shot of Kif comes up, parodying\nthe shot from the Star Trek episode The Corbomite Manoeuver.]"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Crimes-Of-The-Hot.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 501\n\n\"CRIMES OF THE HOT\"\n\nBy\n\nAaron Ehasz\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Known To Cause Insanity In Laboratory\nMice.]\n\n[Planet Express: Balcony. Its a scorching hot day and the crew\nare standing on the balcony in swimsuits. Leela is standing by\nan empty kiddie pool.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHurry up with the water, I'm steaming\nin my own shell I am, it's that hot\nit is!\n\n[Leela rips open a packet of Instant Pool Water (Just Add Water\n- Dead Leaves Included.)]\n\nLEELA\nHeyya!\n\n[She empties the packet into the pool and squirts it with the\nhose. The pool fills with water with dead leaves floating on\ntop. Enter Fry and Bender.]\n\nFRY\nMan it's hot! (different voice.) How\nhot is it? (normal voice.) It's so hot\nI poured McDonalds Coffee in my lap\nto cool off. Jonny Carson said it.\n\n[Nibbler starts to drink the pool water.]\n\nLEELA\nNo! Nibbler, don't drink the pool water!\nIt's full of chlorine!\n\n[Nibbler finishes off the water and belches a green gas - chlorine!\nEveryone except Bender coughs and falls over unconcious. Bender\nlaughs.]\n\nBENDER\nLightweights! Oh wait - chlorine!\n\n[He instantly rusts and falls over.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are slouched around the\ntable sweating. Farnsworth is attaching an old filmstrip to Bender.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPerhaps this movie will help us take\nour minds off the heat.\n\nBENDER (JITTERY)\nFocuuus!\n\n[The movie is projected onto a screen with the title \"Global\nWarming Or: None Like It Hot.\"]\n\n[In the movie a little girl called Suzie walks out of an ice\ncream shop with a cone. It melts before she can take a lick.\nShe cries. A man laughs. The regular filmstrip narrator walks\ninto the frame.]\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nYou're probably wondering why your ice\ncream went away. Well Suzie, the culprit\nisn't foreigners, it's global warming!\n\nSUZIE [IN MOVIE]\nGwobal wappa?\n\nMAN [IN MOVIE.]\nUh, yeah! Meet Mr Sunbeam. He comes\nall the way from the sun to visit Earth.\n\n[As he speaks there is a scene of a sunbeam in a hat with a briefcase.\nIt walks from the sun to Earth and raises its hat.]\n\n[He walks away from the Earth but is stopped by gas things.]\n\nGAS [IN MOVIE]\nNot so fast Sunbeam! We're Greenhouse\nGases! You ain't going nowhere!\n\n[More gases arrive and they beat up Mr Sunbeam.]\n\nMAN [IN MOVIE]\nPretty soon Earth is chock full of sunbeams......their\nrotting corpses heating our atmosphere.\n\n[The gases laugh and the scene changes to a classroom.]\n\nSUZIE [IN MOVIE]\nHow do we get wid of the gweenhouse\ngrasses?\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nFortunately our handsomest politicians\ncame up with a cheap, last minute way\nto combat global warming. Ever since\n2063 we drop a giant ice cube into the\nocean every now and then.\n\n[The movie cuts to a shot of a giant ice cube being dropped into\nthe ocean.]\n\nSUZIE [IN MOVIE]\nJust like Daddy puts in his drink every\nmorning! (sadly) And then he gets mad.\n\nNARRATOR [IN MOVIE]\nOf course, since the greenhouse gases\nare still building up, it takes more\nand more ice each time. Thus solving\nthe problem once and for all.\n\nSUZIE [IN MOVIE]\nBut...\n\n[The movie quickly ends with the caption \"The End.\"]\n\nLEELA\nWell, we just need one of those big\nice cubes. Someone should call the losers\nwho are supposed to deliver it. Hello?\n\n[Nixon's head appears on the screen.]\n\nNIXON [ON SCREEN]\nPresident Nixon here. I'm hiring you\nlosers to deliver the ice. And hurry\nup! I'm sweating like J. Edgar Hoover\ntrying to squeeze into a new girdle!\n\n[He cuts off.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou heard the good news everyone! Save\nthe Earth, et cetera et cetera! Bye!\n\nFRY\nWait! Where do we get the ice?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe wha? Oh Halley's Comet of course.\nThe only sufficient source of ice cubes\nthat don't have bugs in them!\n\nFRY\nWow! Mining a comet, that sounds fun!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes there's no safer occupation than\nmining. Especially when you're on a\nsnowball whipping through space at a\nmillion miles an hour! Safe!\n\n[Halley's Comet. The ship flies in for it's landing. It has a\ngiant cup tied to it. It lands. The cargo lift comes down. Bender\nmoves a piece of machinery off the ship and onto the comet.]\n\nBENDER\nDeploying ice drill.\n\n[He presses a button. The machine sprouts legs and grows to the\nsame height as the ship. A thing comes out of the top of it.\nIt turns into and ice dispenser.]\n\nFRY\nWow! That ice dispenser's so big, the\nice crushes you! Yakov Smirnov said\nit!\n\nLEELA\nNo he didn't.\n\n[Bender pushes the giant cup onto the ice dispenser.]\n\nBENDER\nActivating ice drill.\n\n[The drill drills through the surface. Only a bit of grit comes\nthrough the dispenser.]\n\nFRY\nOh my God! It's out of ice! Like some\nouter space Motel 6!\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nCompletely out of ice?\n\nBENDER\nThis could mean the end of the bana\ndaquiri as we know it...also life.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew are still sweltering. On the\nTV Morbo's head is inflating and deflating.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nWith Halley's Comet out of ice, Earth\nis experiencing the devastating effects\nof sudden intense global warming.\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nMorbo is pleased but sticky. The scorching\nheat has melted the polar ice caps causing\nfloods of biblical proportions.\n\n[The shot changes to a swamped city with an ark floating through\nit.]\n\nGAY SAILOR [ON TV]\nThey called me crazy for building this\nark.\n\nMAN [ON TV]\nYou are crazy, you built it with same\nsex animal couples!\n\nGAY SAILOR [ON TV]\nHey! There are parts of the Bible I\nlike and parts I don't like.\n\n[The shot changes to a live windmill landscape.]\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nDirect your attention now to the African\nturtles seen here migrating to cooler\nhomes in Holland.\n\n[A turtle rolls onto the back of its shell and can't get up.]\n\nBENDER (CRYING)\nThat poor turtle!\n\nFRY\nBender? Are you crying?\n\nBENDER (CRYING)\nUh no! Never!\n\n[He wipes his eyes with windscreen wipers.]\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nMorbo wishes these storward nomads peace\namong the Dutch tulips!\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nI'm sure those windmills will keep them\ncool.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The crew sit on some steps. The temperature\nreaches 120 Farenheit.]\n\nBENDER\nWell everybody, I just saved a turtle,\nwhat have you done with your lives?\n\nHERMES\nYou went all the way to Holland already?\n\n[Bender points at his feet. He is wearing clogs. He dances.]\n\nLEELA\nBender a turtle isn't yourself. Why\ndo you care about it?\n\nBENDER\nBecause I also care deeply of things\nthat remind me of myself. Like poor\nlittle Shelly here.\n\n[He strokes the turtle.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat could you possibly have in common\nwith this walking soup mix?\n\nBENDER\nFor one thing, we both have a tough\nouter shell. But lead a rich, inner\nlife. Also...well you know...\n\nLEELA\nYou're both alcoholic, whore-mongering,\nchain smoking gamblers?\n\nBENDER\nNo! Its just...neither of us can get\nup when we get knocked on our back.\n\nFRY\nWhat? I've seen you get up off your\nback tons of times.\n\nBENDER\nThose times I was slightly on my side.\n\nHERMES\nInteresting. Maybe we should test this\nerectile disfunction of yours Bender.\n\n[Everyone gets up and moves towards Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, that's not necessary, really! I\nthink I hear my factory recalling me.\n\n[Amy crouches behind Bender and he trips over her and he and\nthe turtle land on their backs.]\n\nBENDER\nOh! That's what I get for sharing my\nvulnerability with you people.\n\n[A Civil Defence van drives past.]\n\nVAN\nCalling all scientists, calling all\nscientists. Be advised there will be\na worldwide conference on global warming\nin Kyoto, Japan.\n\n[A man runs to the van.]\n\nMAN\nI've got a degree in homeopathic medicine!\n\nVAN\nYou've got a degree in baloney!\n\n[The van sprays the scientist with a water cannon.]\n\nAMY\nProfessor Farnsworth, you're a scientist!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nForget it, I'm not going! I have my\nreasons! Shut up all of you!\n\nHERMES\nStrange. You haven't acted suspicious\nsince I found those \"ape bones\" in the\nbasement.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy hip hurts! I'm in the middle of cooking\na turkey! I have warranty cards to fill\nout! I'm not just making excuses! Alright\nI'll go!\n\n[Outside Conference Centre. Scientists from all over the world\narrive. Photographers take photos of them and fans in the crowd\nwave papers for them to sign. Joan Rivers' Head is commentating\nthe star studded event.]\n\nCROWD\nOh God I can't believe it! I love you!\n\n[Farnsworth steps out of a limo.]\n\nRIVERS\nOh oh! It's Hubert Farnsworth! He's\nlooking fab in a standard white lab\ncoat and dark slacks! His wristwatch\nis Casio.\n\n[Cut to: Conference Centre. The scientists are gathered in a\nhuge room. The Civil Defence van pulls up on the stage.]\n\nVAN\nThank you all for coming! It is my pleasure\nto introduce the host of the Kyoto Global\nWarming Convention, the inventor of\nthe environment and First Emperor of\nthe Moon - Al Gore!\n\n[Al Gore's Head in a jar rises up from the middle of the stage.]\n\nGORE\nI have ridden the mighty Moon Worm.\n\n[The audience goes wild.]\n\nFRY\nGood for him!\n\nGORE\nMy fellow Earthicans, as I discuss in\nmy book, Earth In The Balance and the\nmuch more popular Harry Potter And The\nBalance Of Earth we need to defend our\nplanet against pollution. As well as\ndark wizards.\n\n[The audience cheers and a dark wizard who looks like Tim The\nEnchanter from Monty Python And The Holy Grail sulks.]\n\nDARK WIZARD\nSure! Blame the wizards!\n\nGORE\nThat's why I'm offering a bag of Moon\nSaphires to the scientist who can solve\nthis problem once and for all. Lovely\naren't they?\n\nDARK WIZARD\nSapphires? With those I could open\nthe Gate Of Kerash!\n\nGORE\nFirst up is Professor Ogden Wernstrom.\n\n[Wernstrom walks onto the stage.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWernstrom!\n\nWERNSTROM\nAhem. Ladies and Gentlemen. I have placed\nin orbit a giant mirror that will reflect\n40% of the sun's rays. Thus cooling\nEarth. Observe.\n\n[He presses a button and the roof opens up. The audience is blinded\nby the sunlight. Fry starts to pant.]\n\n[Cut to: Space Mirror. The mirror moves around and starts to\nreflect the rays.]\n\n[Cut to: Conference Centre. The room falls into shadow and Wernstrom\ndusts off his hands.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nProblem solved.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Cut to: Space Mirror. A piece of debris hits the mirror. It\nstarts to spin and reflects more sunlight onto the Earth in a\nconcentrated beam.]\n\n[Cut to: City Street. A man shields his eyes.]\n\nMAN\nOoo, that's a little bright.\n\n[The sunlight scorches the street and blows the man up.]\n\n[Cut to: Conference Centre. The sunbeam cuts its way through\nthe building. The audience run around panicking. Gore continues\ntalking.]\n\nGORE\nAlright, What else we got?\n\nFRY\nProfessor, you're a Professor. You must\nhave some ideas.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAbsolutely not! I won't speak! I've\ngot nothing to hide!\n\nGORE\nOur next speaker is -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI demand the floor!\n\nGORE\nYes, it's your turn to speak.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell nuts to me. I'm taking the stage!\nI know the source of the greenhouse\ngases. But in my shame I've kept it\nsecret for 75 long years. Ohhh, it haunts\nmy memory still.\n\n[He holds a ray gun up to his head.]\n\nFRY\nProfessor no, don't do it!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't do what? Don't use this memory\nray so I can remember what happened\nback then?\n\n[He shoots himself. A blue glow envelopes his head.]\n\n[Flashback - 75 years ago.]\n\n[Mom's Friendly Robot Company: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\n[A prototype C3PO-like robot wakes up on the table. It looks\naround and sees Farnsworth.]\n\nPROTOTYPE\nOh dear. Might I favour master with\na tender kiss on the forehead?\n\n[It kisses Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh dear, I've failed again.\n\n[He presses a button and the robot is crushed \u00e0 la the Terminator\nin The Terminator.]\n\nPROTOTYPE\nOh dear, oh dear, oh dear.\n\n[Mom's Office. Mom is bashing Farnsworth's head on her desk.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOoo, ouch, stop!\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth finishes making the first working robot.]\n\n[The robot wakes up, drinks beer and belches fire.]\n\nMOM\nWhat was that?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nA flaming burp.\n\nMOM\nDoes it always do that?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIts not always a burp. We still have\none problem though. This robot will\nnever meet emission standards.\n\nMOM\nCrap spackle! We'll just call it a\nsport utility robot and classify it\nas a light truck!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell...I suppose the environment can\ntake one more for the team.\n\n[He starts to clean the robot.]\n\n[Mom lies on a table.]\n\nMOM\nTake me now you stud!\n\n[He climbs on and they both...um. The robot carries on drinking.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh this is all my fault!\n\nFRY\nThat's awful Professor. Especially the\nmaking out part.\n\nGORE\nYeah, I didn't need to hear that.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAll modern robots descend from my original\nsmog blasting designs. And that's the\ncause of global warming today.\n\nWERNSTROM\nUh, so the robots are to blame. As I\nsuspected. We are left with only one\npossible course of action. Grim though\nit be.\n\nBENDER\nI got a good feeling about this!\n\nWERNSTROM\nWe must immediately and permanently\nshut down, dismantle and destroy all\nrobots!\n\nBENDER\nNo!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWait, surely there's a better -\n\n[The Civil Defence Van interrupts him.]\n\nVAN\nThe conference is over.\n\nGORE\nI must go now, to help collect cans\non Jupiter. Peace out ya'll!\n\n[His jar sprouts rockets and he blasts off.]\n\nAUDIENCE (CHANTING)\nDestroy all robots! Destroy all robots!\n\nAMY\nPoor Bender.\n\nFRY\nBe brave my friend.\n\n[The turtle goes into its shell. So does Bender.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is still in his body. The crew\nare trying to coax him out.]\n\nLEELA\nCome on. You've got to come out of your\nchest sometime. Would you do it for\na Bender snack?\n\n[She opens it and tempts him with it. He reaches out to grab\nit but the crew all grab his arm.]\n\nFRY\nAh ha!\n\nLEELA\nGotcha!\n\nBENDER [FROM INSIDE]\nLet me go! I don't even want the stupid\nbeer! Yes! You tried to trick me into\ncoming out of my chest. But who has\nthe beer now? I've got mail.\n\n[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out a card with\nthe words \"It's A Party\" on it.]\n\nAMY\nOoo, it's a party. Apparently.\n\n[Nixon's head appears in the card.]\n\nNIXON [IN CARD]\nDo you like to party? To boogie down?\nWell I'm throwing an all night beach\nraver for my robot pals. It all goes\ndown Saturday on the isolated Galapogas\nIslands where there will be no escape\n- from the fun! All robots must attend!\n\nZOIDBERG\nStrange. Why would Nixon, an awkward,\nuncomfortabble man suddenly throw a\nparty? One of the most social events\nimaginable. It's a trap is why! They're\ngoing to deactivate all the robots!\nI don't hear any gasping.\n\nLEELA\nWe all figured that out.\n\nZOIDBERG\nOhh!\n\nBENDER\nWell, I'm off.\n\n[Fry blocks the door.]\n\nFRY\nWait. We could hide you! We'll pile\nfruit on you and claim you're a bowl.\n\nBENDER\nNo. I'm going to the party.\n\n[Fry puts a banana skin on Bender's head.]\n\nFRY\nI won't let you.\n\nBENDER\nFry, as you know, there are lots of\nthings I'm willing to kill for. Jewels,\nvengence, Father O'Mally's weedwhacker.\nBut at long last I've found something\nI'm willing to die for. This mindless\nturtle.\n\nFRY\nBender, this world isn't good enough\nfor you.\n\nBENDER\nNot even close. Goodbye everybody. Don't\ntouch my stuff after I'm dead! (shouting)\nIt's booby trapped.\n\n[Robot Party. The robots party on a ship. Then they cross the\ndesert on camels. Then they swing through a jungle. Then they\ngo to a fair. Then they party on the Galapogas islands. Bender\nlooks at his turtle.]\n\nBENDER\nPoor guy. Maybe you'd feel better if\nI had a drink. Crummy kegg it's completely\nta - Oh you're a robot.\n\nKEGG\nDon't stop!\n\nBENDER\nEw!\n\n[Nixon takes the stage.]\n\nNIXON\nAttention happenin' robots. Who's got\nwhat it takes to party with Nixon?\nYou fellas enjoy yourselves for the\nnext two hours. And be sure not to leave\nthe island, uh for at least two hours!\nI'm going out to pick up some smokes.\nUh really good smokes! Two hours. OK\nheadless body of Agnoo, lets blow this\njoint!\n\n[The body growls and carries Nixon to a helicopter. Bender watches\nthe helicopter fly away.]\n\nBENDER\nNah, I'm not really in the -\n\n[She shakes him around. Bender panics.]\n\n[Nixon's Helicopter. It is now flying through space towards Wernstrom's\nmirror.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nPer your orders I have modified my mirror\nto fire a colossal electromagnetic pulse\nat the Galapogas. Every robot will be\ninstantly and painfully terminated.\nNow for your part of the bargain.\n\nNIXON\nOh, very well. Agnoo, you belong to\nWernstrom now.\n\n[Agnoo growls.]\n\n[Galapogas Islands. Bender is talking to his turtle.]\n\nBENDER\nI have to say goodbye now. There ain't\nnot turtles where daddy's a-going. (whispering)\nDon't tell anybody but Nixon's about\nto shut all robots off and -\n\n[A boom mic robot hangs over Bender.]\n\nMIC\nWhat??\n\n[There is bedlam with the robots.]\n\nROBOT #1 (SHOUTING)\nWe're gonna die!\n\nROBOT #2 (SHOUTING)\nNixon's not bringing the smokes!\n\n[Bender takes control.]\n\nBENDER\nShut up and pay attention to me! Bender.\nLook, I love life and its pleasures\nas much as anyone here, except perhaps\nyou Hedonismbot. But we need to be\nshut off! Especially you Hendonismbot!\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nI apologise for nothing!\n\nBENDER\nWe pollute too much. We're destroying\nthe world and killing the turtles.\n\nPREACHERBOT\nTo hell with the turtles!\n\nBENDER\nNo one insults the turtles!\n\n[He punches Preacherbot.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nOh mercy.\n\n[He pulls out a knife and he and Bender fight.]\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nLet the games begin!\n\n[It chuckles. The Planet Express ship flies in and lands. Fry\nand Leela carry the Professor out and stand him in front of the\nmicrophone on the stage.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEveryone listen!\n\n[The robots stop fighting. Bender punches Preacherbot again.\nHe falls over.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nAw damn!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI've devised a way to save you and to\nstop global warming at the same time!\nGranted you're all blasting out greenhouse\ngases.\n\nBENDER\nYou're one to talk!\n\n[Preacherbot hits him with a chair. He falls over onto his back.\nHe tries to get up but can't.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut we can use those very gases to save\nthe planet. If you all vent your exhaust\ndirectly upward in one burst it should\nthrust the Earth further from the sun,\nthus cooling it. By my calculations\nwe'll need the full force of every last\nrobot. So quickly, everyone point your\nexhaust vents straight upwards. Now\nvent! Vent like the wind! Harder! Harder!\n\nFRY\nWhy isn't this working?!\n\nLEELA\nSome lazy or polite robot is holding\nit in.\n\n[Bender is still on his back, unable to vent.]\n\nBENDER\nHelp! Help!!\n\n[Cut to: Nixon's Helicopter. Wernstrom is turning the mirror\ntowards the robots.]\n\n[Cut to: Galapogas Islands. The robots continue to vent but to\nno avail.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nA billion robot lives are about to be\nextinguished! Oh the Jedi's are going\nto feel this one!\n\n[Bender and the turtle are still on their backs.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm sorry buddy. At least we'll die\non our backs, helpless. Huh? What the\nhell are you doing? Hey are you trying\nto make me look bad? Ah ha! I'm even\ngreater than I thought I was! And now\nto fullfill my destiny.\n\n[He stands on his hands and vents. The flame grows bigger and\nthe Earth moves.]\n\n[Nixon's Helicopter.]\n\nNIXON\nFire!! What the??\n\nWERNSTROM\nWe missed.\n\n[Agnoo growls.]\n\n[Galapogas Islands. The skies have cleared and the crew are standing\non the stage. Nixon is with them.]\n\nNIXON\nProfessor, for saving the Earth and\nfoiling me, I proudly, yet angrily,\npresent you with Earth's new highest\nhonour: The Polluting Medal Of Pollution.\n\n[He hangs the medal around Farnsworth. The industrial chimneys\non the medal blow smoke in Farnsworth's face making him cough.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThank you. I deserve this!\n\n[The robots cheer.]\n\nBENDER\nHey Professor! Now that the Earth's\norbit is further from the sun won't\nthat make the year longer?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy yes! One week longer to be exact.\n\nNIXON\nIn that case I hereby declare it Robot\nParty Week!\n\n[The robots cheer and dance to Buster Poindexter and his Banshees\nOf Blue's Hot Hot Hot. Then they vent.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Jurassic-Bark.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 502\n\n\"JURASSIC BARK\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Affiliated With Futurama Brass\nKnuckle Co.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Bender stands\nin front of a mirror wearing a magician's outfit. Fry wears a\nsnazzy leotard. Bender speaks into the mirror.]\n\nBENDER\nAhem! For my next trick, notice I have\nnothing up my sleeves......and nothing\nin my head. So if my lovely assistant\nwill kindly supply me with an ordinary,\nnon-fake pitcher of milk......behold\nthe milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps,\nto another dimension!\n\n[He bows to his \"audience.\" As he bows milk drips out from his\nchest cabinet. Fry applauds.]\n\nFRY\nAmazing! That's why they call you \"Bender\nThe Magnificent\"!\n\nBENDER\nNo it isn't!\n\n[He throws the newspaper across the room into a bin. Fry sees\nthe headline: Archeologists Discover \"Slice Of Old New York\"]\n\nFRY\nWhoa! They discovered an intact, 20th\nCentury pizzeria! Just like the one\nI used to work at!\n\nBENDER\nInteresting. No wait the other thing\n- tedious!\n\nFRY\nLets go check it out. You can see how\nI lived before I met you.\n\nBENDER\nYou lived before you met me?\n\nFRY\nSure. Lots of people did.\n\nBENDER\nReally?\n\n[Museum. Fry and Bender walk down a corridor to the exhibit.\nBender hums.]\n\n[Cut to: Museum: Pizzeria.]\n\nBENDER\nTruly, they were as Gods who build this\nplace!\n\n[A tour group enters.]\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nNext, we come to the splendidly preserved\nwooden pizza paddle. Scientists theorise\nit was used to gently discipline the\ndelivery boy.\n\n[Fry crouches next to the robot delivery boy and fiddles around\nwith his hair so it looks like his robot counterpart's. He notices\na menu on the wall. A menu which says \"Panucci's Pizza.\"]\n\nFRY\nWait a second! This is Panucci's! I\nused to work in this exact pizzeria!\nAnd for your information lady, this\nwas not just used to paddle my butt,\nit was also used to move pizzas and\ncrush rats.\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nI don't know where you get your facts\nsir but I am a volunteer housewife with\n45 minutes of orientation and a harlequin\nromance about archeologists!\n\nFRY\nDon't wave your fancy degrees at me.\nI recognise all this stuff. Petrified\nsausages, Old Mr Patelli, and that's\n-\n\n[He gasps. There is a dog shaped black thing in the display case.]\n\n[Flashback - August 1997.]\n\n[Street. The dog sits in an alley scratching itself. It sees\nFry across the street delivering a pizza. Fry buzzes a buzzer.]\n\nVOICE [ON BUZZER.]\nYes?\n\nFRY\nPizza delivery for Mr......Seymour Asses.\n\nVOICE [ON BUZZER.]\nThere's no one by that name here...or\nanywhere. I hope that in time you'll\nrealise what an idiot you've been.\n\nFRY\nI wouldn't count on it.\n\n[Cut to: Alley. Fry sits leaning against a wall. He opens the\npizza box and takes out a slice and starts to eat it. The dog\ncrawls out from behind a dumpster and whines. Fry sees him.]\n\nFRY\nAww. Poor little guy. You look like\nyou haven't eaten in a month. Here......but\nif Mr Panucci asks, your name is Seynour\nAsses! I like you Seymour, you're not\nconstantly judging me like all the other\ndogs - are you? Nah. We understand each\nother. People think you're a dumb mutt\nwho smells bad, can't find a girlfriend\nand has a crummy job. But you're keepin'\nit real and call no man \"Mister.\" Well\ngoodbye. Live long and prosper.\n\n[He rides away. Seymour watches.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. Seymour chases Fry, barking.]\n\n[Flashback ends. Bender reacts to the petrified dog.]\n\nBENDER\nYuck! That's the least appetising calzone\nI've ever seen!\n\nFRY\nNo! That's my dog in there! It's an\noutrage I say!\n\n[He grabs Bender's foot, smashes the display case and takes Seymour.\nBender hops around holding his foot.]\n\nBENDER\nOw ow ow!\n\nFRY\nI'm taking him home and I'd like to\nsee anyone try and stop me. Uh-oh!\n\n[Cut to: Street. The security guards literally throw Fry out\nof the building. He bounces down the steps.]\n\nFRY\nOw, oo ow, oo ah!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nBENDER\n...And then he was ejected by the guards.\nNeedless to say, I was mortified.\n\nFRY\nWell it's not right to make my dead\npet an exhibit. That's like digging\nup Lassie and putting her on display\nin the Louvre.\n\nAMY\nLassie is on display in the Louvre.\n\nFRY\nI know, I was deliberately describing\na similar situation.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy don't you try protesting? Like those\nnative Martians. Always whining that\npeople don't treat their ancestor's\nbones with respect.\n\n[He takes a slurp from a mug which look suspiciously like a Martian\nskull.]\n\nBENDER\nNah, protesting never works.\n\nFRY\nYou're right. I'll give it a shot!\n\n[Street. Fry is outside the museum holding a sign and a megaphone.]\n\nCROWD (CHANTING)\nWhat do you want?\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) When do you want it?\n\nCROWD\nYaaay!\n\n[He turns on a tape dances to the Hustle. Leela reads a book.]\n\nLEELA\nIt says this part of The Hustle implores\nthe Gods to grant a favour. Usually\na Trans-AM.\n\n[Flashback - July 1998 The Summer Of \"I Still Know What You Did\nLast Summer.\"]\n\n[Street. Fry cycles down the street towards Panucci's singing.]\n\nFRY (SINGING)\nI'm walking on sunshine! Ooo-oo-ooh!\nI'm walking on sunshine! Ooo-oo-ooh!\nAt a boy Seymour! Right here waiting\nfor me as always! Just like that huge\nmushroom in my shower!\n\n[He goes inside. Seymour follows through the dog flap.]\n\n[Cut to: Panucci's Pizza.]\n\nPANUCCI\nHey there's our little mascot! Aww\nyou been swimming in the sewer again?\nYou little rascal! Fry, cleanup!\n\nFRY\nSeymour, cleanup! Good dog!\n\nPANUCCI\nThat's a good Seymour!\n\n[A boy is playing an arcade game when he notices something is\nwrong with his pizza.]\n\nBOY\nYo! There's dog fur on my slice!\n\nPANUCCI\nNah, that's vermicelli! No fur in here!\n\n[He sneezes into the dough and continues rubbing it. Seymour\nswims around in the tomato.]\n\nFRY\nHe's so cute! He can do two things at\none time: Eat and swim. Ooo - three\nthings.\n\n[Flashback ends. Fry is still dancing. It is raining. The music\nis getting muffled.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, its been three days. You can't\nkeep boogie-ing like this. You'll come\ndown with a fever of some sort.\n\n[Two men - Ben Beeler and his associate Ray - walk out of the\nmuseum. Beeler introduces himself.]\n\nBEELER\nMr. Fry? I'm Dr Ben Beeler, the paleontologist\nwho discovered your dog, or as some\ncall it, the Beeler-saurus.\n\nFRY\nSo do I get Seymour back? Are you caving\nto political pressure?\n\nBEELER\nNo we're sorry but there's just too\nmuch that fossil can teach us about\ndogs from your time.\n\nFRY\nHis name was Seymour. He was once intimate\nwith the leg of a wandering saxaphonist.\nHe had wet dog smell, even when dry.\nAnd he was not above chasing the number\n29 bus.\n\nRAY\nThe 29? Interesting.\n\nBEELER\nThat's all I needed, Ray?\n\nRAY\nI'm good.\n\nBEELER\nOK then, here's your dog back.\n\n[He takes Seymour's black fossil out of his briefcase and hands\nit to Fry. He hugs him and chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nSeymour!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender the Magnificent has sawn Dr Zoidberg\nin half. Although his feet look oddly human.]\n\nBENDER\nLady and Gentleman! How 'bout a hand\nfor my temporary replacement assistant?\n\n[Scruffy and Leela applaud. Zoidberg jumps out of one half of\nthe box. He is wearing Fry's leotard.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI was all in this part! Its magic!\n\n[Bender beats him with his wand as he speaks.]\n\nBENDER\nYou are not fit to wear Fry's leotard!\n\nZOIDBERG\nStop!\n\n[Enter Farnsworth, Fry and Seymour.]\n\nFRY\nGood news everyone!\n\nBENDER\nHooray, he's back! He's looking for\na garbage can to put that dog in! Here\nyou go buddy!\n\n[He holds up a waste basket.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo, actually we've discovered Fry's\ndog was fast-fossilised, preserving\nit's cellular structure!\n\nFRY\nWhich means...we can clone it! Seymour\nwill live again!\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nA little land mammal!\n\nFRY\nCan you believe it Bender? I'm going\nto have my best friend back!\n\n[Bender turns away and starts to cry. His tears turn into balloons,\nhe cries doves and his antenna sprouts flowers.]\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth has set up his cloning machine.\nThe crew look on. Enter annoying moron Cubert.]\n\nCUBERT\nWhy the idiot convention?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh Cubert, my precious babe. I'm going\nto attempt to clone Fry's dog. Using\nthe very same apparatus I used to clone\nyou! Ooo look, there's a smidge of\ntoe still in here. You see, beneath\nthe fossil's crunchy, mineral shell,\nthere's still a creamy core of dog nougat!\n\n[On the screen an arrow points to a yellow blob inside Seymour.]\n\nFRY\nSo will Seymour remember how to sing\nWalking On Sunshine?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAmazingly yes. In cases of rapid fossilisation,\nI can press this brain scan button,\nretrieving Seymour's memories at the\nprecise instant of doggy death!\n\nFRY\nI'm gonna get my puppy back! In your\nface, Grim Reaper!\n\nBENDER\nCrappy ineffective Reaper!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI just need to reset the Clone-O-Mat\nfrom Human Mode to Dog Mode.\n\n[He turns a switch around to a picture of a dog. It is like a\nchild's toy.]\n\nWOMAN'S VOICE\nThe dog says\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh-oh, this may take a while.\n\n[He bashes the switch.]\n\n[Flashback - December 31 1999. Fry is \"teaching\" a kid to play\nan arcade game at Panucci's.]\n\nKID\nYou stink loser!\n\n[Panucci leans over the counter with the pizza.]\n\nPANUCCI\nHey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. C'mon!\n\nFRY\nBut I'm celebrating New Years Eve.\n\nPANUCCI\nLike you got squat to celebrate! You're\na delivery boy this millenium and you'll\nbe a delivery boy next millenium! What's\nwith Seymour? Its like he don't want\nyou to go. Or he thinks your pants is\ntoo short or somethin'. Which is crazy\n'cause frankly you look fabulous. Now\nget goin'!!\n\n[Street. Fry unlocks his bike. Seymour put his paw on the wheel\nso Fry can't go anywhere.]\n\nFRY\nI won't be gone long Seymour. Just wait\nhere 'til I come back.\n\n[He rides off. Seymour sits, waiting.]\n\n[Applied Cryogenics. Fry knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics.\nA sign underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199[7]. No\none opens the door so Fry goes in.]\n\n[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights\non. Weird pods line one of the walls. There are a few machines\naround the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room.\nFry wipes some condesnsation from a window on one of the pods,\nrevealing the face of an inanimate man inside.]\n\nFRY\nHello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?!\nAw crud! I always thought at this point\nin my life I'd be the one making the\ncrank calls! Here's to another lousy\nMillenium. What the?\n\n[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. In the kitchen\nFry unloads dog food into the cupboards. Enter Bender who notices\na dog collar on the side.]\n\nBENDER\nA dog collar for me? You shouldn't\nhave!\n\nFRY\nThat's for Seymour.\n\n[Bender takes it off.]\n\nBENDER\nOh. Say why'd you get me a subscription\nto the Daily Growl? That's not a reputable\njournal of opinion.\n\nFRY\nOh that's also for Seymour. I'm getting\neverything ready for when he's cloned.\n\nBENDER\nAre you on the jump Fry? Why are you\nwasting time on a creature of inferior\nintelligence?\n\nFRY\nHey he was smart. He could fetch.\n\nBENDER\nI can fetch.\n\n[He runs out then back in again carrying an Easter Island Head.]\n\nFRY\nHe could dig up bones.\n\nBENDER\nHello? Charlamange? Plus, I'll bet\nhe couldn't create a laser show with\nhis head.\n\n[The lights go out and Bender creates a laser show with his head.\nGrooby music plays.]\n\nFRY\nLook Bender, this has nothing to do\nwith you.\n\nBENDER\nThat's impossible!\n\nFRY\nNow if you'll excuse me I'm working\non Seymour's doghouse.\n\n[He points to a kennel and holds a sign saying \"Seymour\" ready\nto nail it on. Bender walks out.]\n\nBENDER\nNo one ever asks if Bender would like\nto live in a tiny little house. Not\nthat I would. A tiny little house that\nsays \"Bender\" on it. Ow!\n\n[Flashback - January 1st 2000. ]\n\n[The Frys' House. Mr Fry is on the phone but can only hear Fry's\nanswerphone message.]\n\nFRY [ON ANSWERPHONE]\nThis is Fry. If you're calling about\nthe used towels for sale, they're still\navailable for $45 each.\n\n[The answerphone beeps.]\n\nMR FRY\nPhil, it's your father. Where are you?\nYou're holding up New Years brunch.\nYour brother can't wait any longer.\n\n[Yancy picks up a sandwich.]\n\nYANCY\nHello first baloney of the new millenium!\nAh here he comes. That's him and Seymour.\n\n[Mr Fry opens the door and Seymour runs in barking.]\n\nMRS FRY\nWell that's odd. Seymour's here but\n- - Go! Go! Touchdown!! But where's\nPhilip?\n\nMR FRY\nI'm tellin' you the Y2K computer's got\nhim. We'll face burnin' roads, rivers\nexplodin' and calculators transformed\ninto SCUD missiles. There's nothing\nwe can do. What's that Seymour? You\nwalking on sunshine?\n\n[He runs over to the door and scratches it.]\n\nYANCY\nHe's trying to tell us something. Maybe\nhe can lead us to Philip.\n\n[Cut to: Outside The Frys' House. Seymour runs out the front\ndoor.]\n\nYANCY\nShould we follow him?\n\nMR FRY\nTo our deaths? Negatory.\n\n[Cut to: The Frys' House.]\n\nMR FRY\nIt's the Y2K tryin' to lure us into\nan ambush. And I ain't buyin' it. Pass\nthe baloney.\n\n[He eats a sandwich.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Amy wrestle while Fry stands\nat the side holding Seymour. Leela pins Amy down.]\n\nFRY\nAre you two gonna be done soon?\n\nLEELA\nSorry, but we need to practice hand\nto hand combat in case an enemy knocks\nthe laser gun out of our hands and they\nslide waaay across the room.\n\nFRY\nWell could you do it some place else?\nI'm setting up Seymour's doggy bed.\n\nLEELA\nOK.\n\n[She drags Amy out of Fry's way. Fry kicks the mat out of the\nway and puts Seymour's bed on the floor next to the couch. Enter\nBender and a Robo-Puppy.]\n\nBENDER\nHeel boy, heel! Oh hello Fry, I guess\nI didn't notice you there. I'm having\nsuch fun with my new best friend Robo-Puppy.\n\nFRY (NOT CARING)\nThat's nice.\n\nBENDER\nI was just out walking him. Yes. You\ncan walk him. Of course, after he goes\nyou have to refill the canisters. C'mere\nboy! Pet, pet, pet.\n\nROBO-PUPPY\nRobo-Puppy receiving petting.\n\nAMY\nBender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy?\nThat's so adorable!\n\nBENDER\nJealous? Hah! Not while I have the\nlove of Robo-Puppy here. Robo-Puppy,\nlick my cheek.\n\nROBO-PUPPY\nRobo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek.\nRobo-Puppy commencing cheek licking.\nLicking in progress. Licking complete.\n\nBENDER\nRobo-Puppy truly is robots best friend!\nEh?\n\n[Fry finishes the bed.]\n\nFRY\nAh there, perfect!\n\n[A fanfare sound sounds and a huge hologram of Farnsworth's head\nappears in the room.]\n\nHOLO-FARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone! The Clone-O-Mat\nis ready!\n\n[The hologram disappears.]\n\nLEELA\nWoohoo!\n\nAMY\nYay!\n\n[Leela slams Amy down.]\n\nFRY\nFinally!\n\n[Bender growls.]\n\nROBO-PUPPY\nRobo-Puppy commencing two hour yipping\nsession. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!\nRobo-Puppy mistreatment alert!\n\n[Planet Express: Attic. The crew are standing in front of the\nClone-O-Mat. The roof is open.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBehold once more the mighty Clone-O-Mat!\nRequiring such vast amounts of electricity\nthat we must harness the elemental power\nof nature itself! I speak of course...of\nmolten lava! Deep within the Earth's\ncore. To the sub-basement!\n\n[He pulls a lever and the Clone-O-Mat, crew and all go down.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Sub-Basement. Scruffy is pulling the\nplatform down. It topples but he rights it. Farnsworth steps\noff.]\n\nFRY\nCome on boy! Come back to life!\n\n[He pulls a chain and Seymour's DNA begins to be extracted. Enter\nBender The Magnificent.]\n\nBENDER\nFry c'mon, the talent show!\n\nFRY\nWhat? I'm in the middle of something.\n\nBENDER\nBut, if we don't perform, in what sense\ndo we have an act?\n\nFRY\nBender, enough! Leave me alone!\n\nBENDER\nSo that's how it is huh? I thought you\nwere my friend. But if you love your\ndog so much then maybe you'd rather\nplay fetch!\n\n[He picks up Seymour and throws him into the molten lava.]\n\nLEELA\nNo!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh!\n\n[Seymour sinks. Fry gasps. Bender laughs and hugs Fry.]\n\nBENDER\nNow I'm all you got!\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry starts weakly hitting Bender.]\n\nFRY\nI hate you! I hate you! You evil metal\nman! Ow!\n\n[He falls to the floor and curls up.]\n\nBENDER\nSo anyway your dog is melted. Now we're\nfriends again.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNot necessarily. For the dog may yet\nsurvive.\n\nFRY\nMay yet? Really?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIndeed. You see, that fossil was made\nof dolomite. The tough black mineral\nthat won't cop out when there's heat\nall about. By contrast, observe the\nlava's affect on this ice swan. Of\ncourse, that would have melted even\nat room temperature. I just wanted to\nget rid of it. But had it been made\nof that righteous mineral dolomite,\nthere's a slim chance it might have\nsurvived.\n\nFRY\nSo Seymour might still exist?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPerhaps. For a few minutes. It's dolomite\nbaby!\n\nFRY\nThen I'm goin' in after him.\n\n[He takes his jacket off and rips off his shirt. He pulls off\nhis trousers and runs for the lava.]\n\nAMY\nNo!\n\nZOIDBERG\nStop!\n\nFRY\nHe'd come after me.\n\n[Flashback - January 1st 2000.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. Seymour runs down a street and looks in Panucci's\nwindow. He sniffs Fry's hand and face prints on the pavement.]\n\n[Cut to: 99c Store. Seymour runs in and sniffs a photo of Fry\nunderneath a notice saying \"Do Not Take Checks From This Man\"]\n\n[Cut to: Itelli's Barber Shop. Seymour runs in and sniffs some\nred hair clippings. He eats some.]\n\n[Cut to: Mr Putzz' Mini-Golf. Seymour looks through the railings.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. Seymour runs down the street and sniffs around.\nA door opens and someone throws out a pizza box. A Panucci's\nPizza box. Seymour runs inside.]\n\n[Flashback ends. Fry takes a dive for the lava. Leela and Amy\npush him to the ground.]\n\nLEELA\nActing like a moron won't bring your\ndog back.\n\nFRY\nThen all hope is lost. Goodbye Seymour.\n\n[He cries.]\n\nBENDER\nPlease stop crying Fry. Here. I assumed\nyou were just pretending to love the\ndog. To toy with my emotions. Oh what\nhave I done?\n\n[He starts to cry.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself\nup.\n\nBENDER\nFry, I'm sorry. I should have understood\nhow someone can love an inferior creature.\nBecause I love you. Not in the way of\nthe Ancient Greeks, but in the way a\nrobot loves a human, a human loves a\ndog and occassionally, a gorilla loves\na kitty. I'm goin' in!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening\nto me? You can't go in because you'll\nmelt. The fossil only has a chance because\nit's made of dolomite!\n\nBENDER\nI'm 40% dolomite!\n\n[He bags his chest and dives in. His hat and cape float on the\nsurface. Everyone gasps.]\n\n[Cut to: Lava.]\n\nBENDER\nOh it's hot, it's very hot!\n\n[His casing starts to come apart.]\n\n[Flashback - January 1st 2000.]\n\n[Cryogenics Lab. Seymour barks at Fry, frozen in the cryo-tube.\nA man fixes a radiator and a cryogenisist sits at his desk nursing\na hangover.]\n\nCRYOGENISIST\nUgh, I am one hungover cryogenisist!\nJust throw that mutt in the freezer\nuntil his owners get here!\n\nMAN\nYou can't solve all your problems by\nfreezing them boss.\n\nCRYOGENISIST\nI think you're forgetting our motto.\n\n[He points at a sign that reads \"You Can Solve All Your Problems\nBy Freezing Them!\" Underneath in a cryo-tube is a woman with\na rolling pin and an apron. Probably the man's wife. Enter Mr\nand Mrs Fry.]\n\nMR FRY\nAre you the cryogenisist who called\nabout our son's dog?\n\nCRYOGENISIST\nOh you must be the Fry's. Yeah he's\nright over there.\n\n[He points to Seymour who is still yelping at Fry's freezer.]\n\nMRS FRY\nSorry we're late, we all got sick from\neating bad baloney!\n\nMR FRY\nY2K!\n\n[Mr and Mrs Fry stand by Fry's freezer but they can't see him\ninside.]\n\nMRS FRY\nWhat's he so worked up about?\n\nMR FRY\nHe's just upset because our boy's missing.\nC'mon you overgrown rat. Lead us to\nPhilip.\n\n[Seymour struggles to go back to Fry but Mr Fry drags him out.]\n\n[Flashback ends. Bender still hasn't returned to the surface.]\n\nLEELA\nBender's been down there too long. I'm\ngoing in after him.\n\n[She starts to rip off her wrestling suit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nProfessor! Lava! Hot!\n\nFRY\nThis is all my fault. I let my best\nfriend risk his life just to get my\ndead dog back. Bender!!\n\nBENDER\nAnd that is why they call me Bender\nThe Magnificent! Hey where'd everybody\ngo?\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nBENDER\nOK! Let's clone us some dog!\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nVery well. Let this abomination unto\nthe Lord begin! Interesting. It seems\nSeymour died at the ripe old age of\n15.\n\nFRY\n15? You mean he lived for 12 more years\nafter I got frozen?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIndeed.\n\nFRY\nStop the cloning.\n\n[He picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh sure! Smash the smart guy's machine!\n\nBENDER\nFry, what's wrong?\n\nFRY\nThink about it. Seymour lived a full\nlife after I was gone. He probably added\nnew songs to his repertoire.\n\nBENDER\nBut that's a good thing. Walking On\nSunshine sucks noodles!\n\nFRY\nI had Seymour 'til he was three. That's\nwhen I knew him and that's when I loved\nhim. I'll never forget him. But he\nforgot me a long long time ago.\n\n[He kisses Seymour and walks away.]\n\n[Flashback - January 2nd 2000. The song I Will Wait For You from\nthe film Les Parapluies de Cherbourg plays. Seymour sits outside\nPanucci's Pizza waiting for Fry to come back. It changes to summer,\nthen autumn, a snowy and rainy winter and back to spring. Panucci\ngives Seymour a slice of pizza. It goes through autumn and winter\nagain. Seymour starts to age a little. The \"U\" from the \"Panucci's\nPizza\" sign falls on a man. An aged Panucci pats Seymour on the\nhead. Seymour continues waiting for Fry to return, and closes\nhis eyes...]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Route-Of-All-Evil.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 503\n\n\"THE ROUTE OF ALL EVIL\"\n\nBy\n\nDan Vebber\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Disclaimer. Any Resemblance To Actual\nRobots Would Be Really Cool.]\n\n[7^11 Store. Fry, Bender and Leela peruse the beer fridge.]\n\nBENDER\nAh beer! So many choices! And it makes\nso little difference.\n\nFRY\nHow 'bout L\u00f6brau? It has dots on it.\n\nBENDER\nOverruled. The choice of champions is\nPabst Blue Robot!\n\nFRY\nI can't drink that! The metal shavings\nmake my throat bloody.\n\nBENDER\n(mocking) Waah waah! Baby wants a Zima!\n\nLEELA\nHey hey! We can all fight when we're\ndrunk. Now listen: Why don't we just\nbrew our own beer?\n\nBENDER\nYou can brew your own beer?\n\nLEELA\nSure, the kids at the orphanarium used\nto do it all the time.\n\n[Bender stares for a while then his head springs off.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, LaBarbara, Farnsworth, Cubert\nand Hermes' son Dwight are there. Dwight has dreads and wears\na shirt made of the Jamaican flag.]\n\nHERMES\nCursed bacteria of Liberia. My own son\nsuspended from boarding school.\n\nDWIGHT\nIt's not my fault Dad.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd you Cubert. I cloned you from one\nof my warts and I can send you straight\nback in there.\n\nCUBERT\nNuh-uh!\n\n[Enter Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat's going on? Is this angry yelling\nor busted hearing aid yelling?\n\nHERMES\nI'm afraid it's both.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) What?\n\nLABARBARA\nNow hold on, everyone cool your daiquiris!\nLet's give the little vermin a chance\nto explain themselves.\n\nDWIGHT\nIt was self defence Mom. Just look at\nthe letter the Principal sent. We were\nin science class and we had just finished\nbuilding a minature black hole.\n\nCUBERT [ON TV]\nThat was easy.\n\n[Bret Blob, a horrible gelatinous blob, scoffs.]\n\nBRET [ON TV]\nPretty scrawny black hole. It must be\nhungry.\n\nCUBERT [ON TV]\nDuh! Black holes don't need food.\n\nBRET [ON TV]\nNeither do nerds!\n\n[He picks up Cubert and Dwight's lunch boxes and throws them\nin the black hole. The black hole disappears.]\n\n[Bret laughs.]\n\nCUBERT [ON TV]\nThat's it Bret. You've compressed our\nlunches to a singularity for the last\ntime! Salt him Dwight!\n\n[He and Dwight pick up some jars of salt and shake it over Bret.\nHe dissolves into a green puddle.]\n\nBRET [ON TV]\nWhen I resolidify, I'm gonna put you\nin a world of goop!\n\n[Cubert and Dwight scream.]\n\nCUBERT\nSee? That bully started it. We couldn't\nfight back with brawn so we used our\nbrains!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI've warned you not to use those things!\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. Fry, Bender and Leela are starting\ntheir beer.]\n\nLEELA\nLet's see. We've got our malt, our hops...we\njust need a big disposable tub to mix\nit in.\n\nBENDER\nYo!\n\n[He leans back so his chest cabinet is horizontal. Fry and Leela\npour in the ingredients.]\n\nLEELA\nNow it needs to boil for a couple hours.\n\n[Bender hops onto the gas hob and turns it on. He whistles. Enter\nFarnsworth, Hermes, Dwight and Cubert. Dwight is playing a computer\ngame.]\n\nHERMES\nDwight, you remember the crew?\n\nDWIGHT\n(unenthusiastically) Eh...\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCrew, you remember Cubert? Wonderful!\nAnd I'm sure you won't mind being their\nlegal guardians for a month!\n\n[He and Hermes run out.]\n\nCUBERT\nWell, well. If it isn't my old friend\nstretchpants......no pants and...He\nlooks at Fry.]...idiot!\n\nBENDER\nWe're making beer! I'm the brewery.\n\nDWIGHT\nI heard alcohol makes you stupid.\n\nFRY\nNo I'm...doesn't.\n\nLEELA\nActually Dwight you're right. Alcohol\nis very very bad...for children. But\nonce you turn 21 it becomes very very\ngood! So scram!\n\n[Dwight and Cubert walk out the room muttering.]\n\nDWIGHT\nAw man!\n\nCUBERT\nStupid...\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth is fiddling\nwith a machine.]\n\nCUBERT\nHey Dad! What useless contraption are\nyou half-baking today?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEh wha? Oh! This is my latest invention.\nA device that lets anyone sound exactly\nlike me!\n\n[Cubert tries it out.]\n\nCUBERT\n(Farnsworth's voice) Good news everyone!\nI'm a horse's butt!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI am? That's not good news at all you\nlittle...\n\n[He shakes his fist and Cubert screams in Farnsworth's voice\nand runs away. Dwight looks at the machine.]\n\nDWIGHT\nWhat's this device's marketability?\nWho's the target consumer?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere is no target consumer! Only targets.\nTargets that will tremble as their new\nmaster hands down edicts in my glorious\nbooming voice! Now quit pestering me\nyou scoundrels!\n\n[Hermes' Office. He is stamping and singing.]\n\nHermes; (singing) Stamp it...file it...oh yeah! Send it overnight!\n\n[Enter Cubert and Dwight. Dwight sees a pile of papers.]\n\nDWIGHT\nCan I collate that?\n\nHERMES\nNo!\n\nCUBERT\nCan I shread these contracts?\n\nHERMES\nNo!\n\n[Cubert shreads them anyway. Dwight picks something up.]\n\nDWIGHT\nWow! A powerstamper!\n\n[He turns it on. It stamps objects around the room, including\nHermes' head.]\n\nHERMES\nNow look at all the work I gotta do!\nOw!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Dwight and Cubert run out\nof Hermes' office laughing.]\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. Bender belches foam. Leela tastes it.]\n\nLEELA\nMmm. The ingredients are cooked. And\nthey've picked up some of your natural\nrobot flavourings. Time to add the yeast.\n\n[Fry takes Bender's antenna off and Leela puts a funnel in then\ntips the yeast in.]\n\nBENDER\nYeast? You mean I'll have a lifeform\ngrowing inside me? (crying) It's so\nbeautiful.\n\n[He blows his nose. Leela wrist thing rings. She presses a button.]\n\nLEELA\nTalk to me.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight and Cubert are\nsat with the machine that mimics Farnsworth's voice. It is Cubert\nwho is talking to Leela.]\n\nCUBERT\n(Farnsworth's voice) Sorry I can't come\ndown to say goodbye, but I'm busy inventing\nuseless junk.\n\n[He passes the machine to Dwight.]\n\nDWIGHT\n(Farnsworth's voice) And I smell bad.\n\n[They laugh.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]\n\n[Time Lapse. A week later the ship lands.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The crew emerge from the ship.\nFarnsworth and Hermes stand at the bottom of the steps with Cubert\nand Dwight. Cubert is playing on Dwight's game. Leela takes it\nfrom him, squeezes it and breaks it.]\n\nCUBERT\nHey!\n\n[She grabs both of them by their shirts.]\n\nLEELA\nIf you were my kids you'd get quite\na talking to...from your father......when\nhe got home from the senate.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh bother, what have they done now?\n\n[Bender rolls his sleeves up.]\n\nBENDER\nThose pork dumplings sent us on a fake\ndelivery.\n\nFRY\nThe address was on Dogdoo 8 but the\nuniverse ends right after Dogdoo 7!\n\nHERMES\nChild man, is this true?\n\nDWIGHT\nYeah, but why are you mad at us? Your\ndummy brigade wasted a week on an obviously\nfake mission!\n\n[Cubert points at Bender.]\n\nCUBERT\nPlus, you're making bootleg beer inside\ncompany property!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Lies! Lies and slander!\n\n[He belches foam.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAccusing gentle Bender of a misdeed?\nThat's the last straw! You boys have\nbeen underfoot long enough!\n\nHERMES\nYou jerked the words right outta my\nmouth. We're their fathers and its high\ntime we acted like it.\n\n[Bender rubs his hands together with glee.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo-hoo! Here comes violence!\n\n[Hermes clears his throat.]\n\nHERMES\nGet a job you lazy kids!\n\n[Dwight and Cubert gasp in horror. Bender is disappointed.]\n\nBENDER\nI guess if you want children beaten......you\nhave to do it yourself.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. Dwight and Cubert have set up something\nand put a white sheet over it. They lead Farnsworth and Hermes\nto some chairs.]\n\nCUBERT\nCome on Dad, shuffle faster!\n\nDWIGHT\nYou don't wanna miss the unveiling of\nour new company do you?\n\n[Hermes and Farnsworth sit down.]\n\nHERMES\nCompany? (mocking) How cute! What will\nyou be pedalling? Lemonade? Shoe shines?\nCootie insurance?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(mocking) Perhaps they've constructed\na teddybear hospital!\n\n[They laugh.]\n\nCUBERT\nActually, we're starting a competing\ndelivery company.\n\n[He pulls the sheet off to reveal a logo that says Awesome Express.\nHermes and Farnsworth look at each other and stand up.]\n\nHERMES\nWelcome to the world of business!\n\n[He and Farnsworth start kicking the logo.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWho's going to use a delivery service\nwith a kicked sign? Nobody that's who!\n\nDWIGHT\nBut we already have a client signed\nup! We're delivering the Daily Supernova.\n\n[He holds up the newspaper. On it is a headline: Space Monster\nTo City: Grrrrr!. Beside it is a picture of a Godzilla-like creature.\nHermes chuckles.]\n\nHERMES\nSo your delivery company is just a cute\nharmless paper route?\n\n[Farnsworth wipes his brow.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPhew!\n\nDWIGHT\nNo. Its a serious business.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(mocking) Yes its a tremendous responsibility\nalright! What if a paper were to land\nin a puddle?\n\nHERMES\n(mocking) Civilisation as we know it\nmight get splashed!\n\n[He and Farnsworth laugh and ruffle their sons' hair.]\n\n[Planet Express: Balcony. Cubert and Dwight have set up a new\nsign.]\n\nDWIGHT\nWhy do they always treat us like dumb\nkids? We're practically old enough to\nfind the Fox Network infantile!\n\nCUBERT\nAh we'll show 'em. All Awesome Express\nneeds is a sturdy interstellar delivery\ncraft! Voila! You got a quarter?\n\n[Dwight pulls out a coin. Cubert rips out the ad and puts it\nin an envelope with the quarter and puts the envelope in the\nmailbox. It flies off down a message tube.]\n\nDWIGHT\nMan, that ad said to allow four to six\nseconds for delivery.\n\n[Cubert snorts.]\n\nCUBERT\nMore like seven!\n\n[A mail tube shoots out of the box and knocks Cubert off his\nfeet.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender is sat on the couch. His casing\nis a little bigger than usual and he looks pregnant. Enter Fry\nand Leela.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm really starting to swell up with\nbeer. I must look ridiculous.\n\nFRY\nNo, you have a healthy glow.\n\n[Bender belches.]\n\nBENDER\nOh my God! I just felt it ferment!\n\nLEELA\nOoo! Let me feel. Have you thought\nabout what to name it?\n\nBENDER\nI was thinking Benderbrau if it's an\nale, Botweiser if it's a lager.\n\nFRY\nI hope it's a lager so I can take it\nto a ball game. Ooo! I felt that one!\n\n[Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building Dwight and\nCubert finish putting together their hovercraft. They are wearing\nspacesuits.]\n\nCUBERT\nUh, there's a crack in the hull here.\nThat could cause explosive decompression.\n\nDWIGHT\nPut a sticker on it.\n\n[He hands Cubert a sticker for Mom's Moron Oil For Dumb Robots.\nFarnsworth and Hermes walk around the corner.]\n\nHERMES\nOff on your first delivery eh? You be\ncareful my little tinkler. Remember\nwe used to call you that huh? Tinkler?\n\n[A Daily Supernova van pulls up. Sal throws out a bundle of papers.]\n\nSAL\nGets movin'! Those newspapers won'ts\ndeliver themselveses! Only the Sunday\nedition can dos that.\n\n[He drives off.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGoodness there must be 50 papers in\nthat bundle! That's a big number, 50.\n\nCUBERT\nYeah if you're an idiot!\n\n[He and Dwight climb into the hovercraft. Dwight counts down.]\n\nDWIGHT\n3. 2. 1.\n\nCUBERT\nAll systems go.\n\nDWIGHT\nBlast off!\n\n[The hovercraft blasts off. It is pedal powered. Dwight and Cubert\npedal and it flies up into the sky.]\n\nHERMES\n(shouting) See you at din-din!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) I'm blowing you a kiss.\n\n[He blows it. Cubert \"sees\" it coming towards him and screams.]\n\nCUBERT\nTake evasive action!\n\n[He and Dwight pedal around to avoid the kiss.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) It's closing in! You can't\navoid it! It's a cheek-seeker. And...gotcha!\n\n[Cubert screams and spits.]\n\n[Montage Dwight and Cubert fly their hovercraft through a posh\nestate called Maple Craters in a sequence lifted from the Paperboy\ngame from the late 1980's. They throw a paper to a woman, then\nthey are chased by a dog (which is then eaten by the space monster\nfrom The Empire Strikes Back). Back on Earth Sal delivers more\npapers to them. At Maple Craters they pass Bret Blob's house.\nHe throws some slime at them and it hits their hovercraft. Cubert\nhands a paper to Dwight and he throws it through the Blobs' window.\nCubert and Dwight laugh. Back on Earth Sal delivers even more\npapers. Then they are presented an award at the Paperboys Of\nThe Week ceremony. Their photo makes the front page of the Daily\nSupernova with the headline Paperboys Win Award On Slow News\nDay. They throw the last paper to the last house and fly back\nto Earth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat at the table.\nBender is knitting a beer bottle cover.]\n\nHERMES\nBusiness is down. So I filed papers\nto have you all reclassified as slaves.\n\n[Enter Dwight and Cubert with a wheelbarrow with a big lump in\nit covered by a sheet.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, well, well. If it isn't our little\nmuchkin moguls!\n\n[He tickles them.]\n\nHERMES\nWhat's the trouble men? Need some penny\nrolls for your profits?\n\nCUBERT\nActually, thank's to Dwight's brilliant\naccounting and my unaccountable brilliance......our\npaper route now has over a million customers!\n\n[He pulls the sheet off the wheelbarrow, revealing the lump to\nbe a huge pile of money. Hermes and Farnsworth stand gawping\nat it, dumbstruck.]\n\nDWIGHT\nWe're finally making more money than\nyou guys! Aren't you impressed now Pops?\nAren'tcha? Aren'tcha?\n\nHERMES\nUh, in a small way yes. But you still\ndon't have your own building, your own\nconference table or...or one of those\nthings!\n\n[He points at Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHello!\n\n[He waves.]\n\n[Planet Express: Balcony. Dwight and Cubert lean against the\nwall with their wheelbarrow.]\n\nDWIGHT\nOur Dads are never impressed, no matter\nwhat we do.\n\nCUBERT\nMaybe we should start a fire.\n\nDWIGHT\nIf we really want to impress them we'll\nhave to crush them with strategy...Dwight\nLightning!\n\n[He pulls out a pad with \"Dwight Lightning\" written on the front.]\n\nCUBERT\nVery well. But I get to name the next\nstrategy.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela, Fry and Bender are sat watching\na TV programme.]\n\nANNOUNCER [ON TV]\nThis week on The Real World: The Sun.\n\nMAN [ON TV]\nArgh! I'm burning to death!\n\n[Leela scoffs.]\n\nLEELA\nYou know how much an apartment that\nbig would cost on the Sun?\n\n[Fry turns the TV off. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]\n\nHERMES\nPeople, as you know our young sons have\nbecome great successes in the very same\nfield as us.\n\nFRY [SIMULTANEOUSLY]\nThat's great!\n\nHERMES\nNaturally, we're humiliated.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's why we need you, our loyal crew,\nto make Planet Express 800% more profitable.\n\n[Hermes sets up a chart.]\n\nHERMES\nWe'll start by slashing salaries. And\nthis time I mean really slash.\n\nLEELA\nUh guys, I don't know how to tell you\nthis. So I'll just let Fry blurt it\nout thoughtlessly.\n\nFRY\nWe don't work for you anymore!\n\n[Hermes gasps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat?\n\nLEELA\nDwight and Cubert made us a better offer.\nWe're paperboys now.\n\n[Enter Cubert and Dwight.]\n\nCUBERT\nIncoming! We got papers to stuff team!\nHup two hup two!\n\n[The Awesome Express team get up.]\n\nFRY\nYes sir!\n\nBENDER\nOn our way!\n\nLEELA\nWe're on it Mr Farnsworth!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth and Hermes address\nthe crew.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFolks, the situation is grim but we\nshall prevail, thanks to you, our crack\nteam of loyal dregs!\n\n[Scruffy sits with his feet on the table, Amy puts make up on\nand Zoidberg sits, listening. Hermes looks at Scruffy.]\n\nHERMES\nI don't even know who this guy is!\n\nSCRUFFY\nI'm Scruffy, the janitor.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, of course you are. Now we've got\nto buckle down and save Planet Express.\n\nSCRUFFY\nI'm on break.\n\n[He picks up a bag of Potato Chips and slowly munches them.]\n\n[Enter the Awesome Express crew.]\n\nCUBERT\nSorry to interrupt this \"whirlwind of\nactivity\" but we have an announcement.\n\n[Dwight walks over to Hermes.]\n\nDWIGHT\nI direct your attention to these forms,\nwhich I'm presently engaged in handing\nto you.\n\n[Hermes takes the forms and reads them.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet guineapig of Winnipeg! They've\ntaken over our company!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBalderdash! I never agreed to that!\n\nDWIGHT\nNo. But you did declare yourself dead\nthree years ago as a tax dodge.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTax dodge nothing! You take one nap\nin a ditch in the park and they start\ndeclaring you this and that.\n\nCUBERT\nEither way I technically inherit your\nbuilding and your spaceship. Which mean\nPlanet Express is now......Awesome Express!\n\n[Hermes and Farnsworth gasp.]\n\nHERMES\n(angry) You rotten kids! (nicely) Will\nyou be hiring?\n\nDWIGHT\nNo.\n\nHERMES\n(angry) You rotten kids!\n\n[Awesome Express: Hangar. Leela sprays the ship red. Bender and\nFry finish loading the papers onto the cargo bay lift.]\n\nFRY\nThere. One million papers. Folded and\nloaded!\n\n[Cubert jet packs up to Leela with something in his hands.]\n\nCUBERT\nHey Leela, help me apply these flame\ndecals I got in my cereal. They'll make\nthe ship go faster.\n\nLEELA\nAnd what's your scientific basis for\nthinking that?\n\nCUBERT\nI'm 12.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Awesome Express. Hermes and Farnsworth walk\nacross the street, carrying boxes of their stuff. The ship blasts\noff and they watch. Farnsworth sighs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDid I ever tell you how I used to own\nthat ship?\n\n[They walk away.]\n\n[Cut to: Street. They walk past a dumpster. Zoidberg pops out\nof it and watches Farnsworth and Hermes walk by sadly.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere but for the grace of God.\n\n[He dives back in and gobbles up some scraps.]\n\n[Awesome Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender are sat on the couch\nwatching All My Circuits. Bender sings to his bump to the tune\nof Hush Little Baby.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) Hush little brewsky don't\nyou leak. Daddy wants to drink for at\nleast a week. Oh my God! I think it's\ntime!\n\n[Leela runs in.]\n\nFRY\nHurry Leela, get some coasters and cold\nmugs.\n\n[Awesome Express: Meeting Room. Bender lies on the table with\nhis head on Leela's lap. Fry puts the beer in bottles. Bender\ncries in pain.]\n\nFRY\nPush Bender push!\n\nLEELA\nYou're doing great!\n\n[Bender cries again.]\n\nBENDER\nIt feels like I'm trying to push a water\nbed out of me.\n\nFRY\nAlmost there. Just two more bottles.\n\nBENDER\nIs it OK? I can't hear anything.\n\n[The last of the beer drains from Bender. Fry holds a bottle\nup.]\n\nFRY\nIt's an ale! 5 gallons, 6 ounces!\n\n[He slaps a Benderbrau label on the bottle then hands the crate\nof beer to Bender who hugs it.]\n\n[Enter Dwight and Cubert.]\n\nDWIGHT\nHey, what's goin' on? This is a delivery\ncompany not a delivery room!\n\nCUBERT\nWe just busted our bums delivering a\nmillion newspapers and this is how you\ngreet us? With a bunch of frosty cold\nbeers?\n\nFRY\nHey wait a second. How did you deliver\na million papers in one hour?\n\nCUBERT\nUh...we just did OK? 'Cause we're awesome!\nYeah!\n\nDWIGHT\nYeah awesome!\n\n[The phone rings. Leela answers.]\n\nLEELA\nHello, Awesome Express, the rude, crude\ndelivery dudes! How may I direct your\ncall?...What's that?...You haven't gotten\nyour paper?...In how long?...\n\n[Five more phones ring. Dwight and Cubert act nervously.]\n\n[The Conrads' Dining Room. LaBarbara, Hermes and Farnsworth sit\nat the table eating. Farnsworth holds up his empty plate.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, might a homeless old man have a\ntouch more beef bourguignon? And another\ntequila slammer? Please?\n\nLABARBARA\nDon't you sweet talk me you wrinkly\nold tube sack!\n\n[Hermes holds up his glass.]\n\nHERMES\nMight I have one too wife?\n\nLABARBARA\nAh you're both pathetic, being jealous\nof your own offspring. Now you should\nbe happy they became successes, instead\nof following in your footstamps.\n\nHERMES\nOh it's true. But they grow up so fast.\nWe just wanted a few more years of being\nbetter than them.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThey're so stinking talented they don't\neven need their fathers anymore.\n\n[He and Hermes hug and cry. Cubert and Dwight run in and run\ninto their father's arms.]\n\nCUBERT\nDad! We screwed up!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou did? Tough luck suckers!\n\nDWIGHT\nPlease, help us Pops. We agreed to deliver\nway more papers than we can handle.\n\nCUBERT\n(crying) But we couldn't handle them\nso we started dumping the extras in\na crater on the Moon.\n\n[He cries more.]\n\nDWIGHT\n(crying) And now everyone's yelling\nat us about our missing papers!\n\nCUBERT\n(crying) And now we don't know what\nto do!\n\n[Hermes and Farnsworth laugh very loudly then sigh. They put\ntheir sons on their laps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhy did you boys do all this?\n\nDWIGHT\n(crying) We just wanted you to be proud\nof us.\n\nHERMES\nProud of you? You ruined us with sleazy\nbusiness practices and a complete disregard\nfor human decency. But, of course we're\nproud of you.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDamn right we are! Now come on. Let's\ngo do a little Father/Son weaseling\nout of this.\n\n[The newly repainted Planet Express ship flys away from Earth\nand hovers over the crater on the Moon.]\n\n[The cargo bay hatch opens and a net comes out and wraps around\nthe papers. It hoists them out of the craters and the ship flies\noff. As they approach Maple Craters the port torpedo door opens\nand a gun pops out.]\n\n[Ship's Torpedo Room. Hermes is sat behind the gun with the papers\nscattered around the room.]\n\nHERMES\nOK boys, let me show you how a paper\nman does it.\n\n[He grabs the gun and shoots the papers to the houses.]\n\n[Cut to: Maple Craters. Some papers hit the doors, some hit cars\nand one hits the little prince from the novel of the same name.\nHe tumbles away into the void of space.]\n\nBOY\nAu revoir!!\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room.]\n\nDWIGHT\nCan I use the gun Dad?\n\nHERMES\nAw what kind of father would I be if\nI said no?\n\n[He lifts Dwight into the chair.]\n\n[Cut to: Maple Craters. Dwight fires the papers to their houses.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Torpedo Room.]\n\nDWIGHT\nOnly one house to go. We did it!\n\n[He, Cubert, Hermes and Farnsworth cheer. The screen beeps and\ndisplays the Blob house. Inside Bret Blob lifts weights.]\n\nDWIGHT\nRun away! That bully Bret Blob lives\nthere!\n\nCUBERT\nHe's ugly, mean, stupid, stink, mucus!\nAnd last week...we sort of...broke his\nwindow.\n\nHERMES\nAlright, alright. What do we do when\nwe break somebody's window?\n\nDWIGHT\n(sheepish) Pay for it?\n\n[Hermes laughs.]\n\nHERMES\nHeavens no! We apologise! With nice\ncheap words!\n\n[Outside Blob House. Hermes rings the doorbell. Bret answers.]\n\nBRET\nI thought I heard the doorbell but I\nsee it was the dorkbell!\n\n[He laughs. Cubert and Dwight laugh nervously.]\n\nDWIGHT\nMan, we had it coming Bret!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow now, no need to give us the business.\nWe'd like a word with you daddy.\n\nBRET\nWhatever. (shouting) Daaad!\n\nHERMES\nDon't worry boys. I'm sure his father\nis a perfectly normal reasonable man.\n\n[Horrible Gelatinous Blob comes out of the door with his tentacles\nwaving.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMr Blob, our sons have come to apologise\nfor damaging your window. They've learned\ntheir lesson and they want to make amends.\n\nCUBERT\n(ashamed) Sorry sir.\n\nDWIGHT\n(ashamed) Yeah, sorry.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow see here. We assured our sons that\nyou'd accept their apology.\n\n[He laughs. Farnsoworth and Hermes move their sons aside.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo one gives my son that option!\n\n[He and Hermes roll up their sleeves.]\n\nHERMES\nBring it on Jello-pop!\n\nCUBERT\nYeah go Dad!\n\nDWIGHT\nShow 'em who's boss! Get 'em...Pops!\n\n[Horrible Gelatinous Blob eats Hermes and Farnsworth.]\n\n[Taco Bellevue Hospital. Farnsworth and Hermes are in a room\nin body casts and traction.]\n\nCUBERT\nThat was incredible! You are the bravest\ndads in the entire trauma centre!\n\nDWIGHT\nYou guys almost had him...until he digested\nyou.\n\nHERMES\nAww, you're good kids. If I could feel\nanything right now, it would be pride.\nI was wrong! I can still feel pain!\n\n[A knock at the door. Enter the Blobs. Horrible Gelatinous Blob\npushes Bret in. Horrible Gelatinous Blob is carrying flowers.\nHermes screams.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHe's coming to finish the job. Someone\ntoss me out the window!\n\n[Hermes and Farnsworth mull it over.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI suppose.\n\n[Enter Bender with a crate of Benderbrau.]\n\nBENDER\nHey chumps! I heard you were on the\nass end of an ass kicking so I figured\nyou could use a couple of these babys!\n\n[He hands Farnsworth and Hermes a bottle each.]\n\nHERMES\nOh why not! Might as well live it up\nas long as I 've got this catheter in\nme!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh, won't join us Mr Blob?\n\n[Bender hands him a bottle.]\n\nHERMES\nThis is what makes life worth clinging\nto. Three fathers, enjoying a day out\nwith their sons.\n\n[Hermes, Farnsworth, Bender and Horrible Gelatinous Blob clink\ntheir bottles.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt would seem we've taught our boys\na lesson about life: Man or Blob, it's\nwhats inside that counts.\n\n[They drink their beer. Cubert and Dwight struggle and whimper.\nBret has eaten them.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-A-Taste-Of-Freedom.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 504\n\n\"A TASTE OF FREEDOM\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Horsted\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Or Is It?]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg dances and sings on the\ntable. Everyone else except Fry sits and claps along. Enter Fry.]\n\nZOIDBERG\n(singing) Freedom, freedom, freedom,\noy!\n\nFreedom, freedom, freedom, oy!\n\nFRY\nThere's no denying it: The future's\ncrazy! Oh, well. Don't wanna stand out.\n\n[He gets on the table and sings and dances with Zoidberg.]\n\nFRY AND ZOIDBERG\n(singing) Freedom, freedom, freedom,\noy!\n\nFreedom, freedom, freedom, oy!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThere's nothing crazy about it. It's\njust Freedom Day!\n\n[He warbles.]\n\n[Planet Express: Balcony. The staff celebrate Freedom Day with\ntheir Freedom Day Party. Farnsworth drinks Slurm and Scruffy\nblows a party blower. Amy sits on the railings eating a melon\nwhile Fry and Bender stand next to her.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n... an extremely dangerous mission ...\n\nFRY\nSo, what is Freedom Day? Sounds like\nsome kind of feminine hygiene product.\n\n[Zoidberg walks over and puts his claw on Bender's shoulder.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo, it's a fabulous, crab-ulous day!\n\nAMY\nIf you wanna do something, you do it!\nAnd to splick with the consequences!\n\n[She throws the melon rind over her shoulder and it hits something.]\n\nBENDER\nYou know? Like how I live every day.\n\n[He sticks his leg out and trips up Hermes. His bones crack as\nhe lands. Everyone laughs.]\n\nHERMES\nHappy Freedom Day! Ooh! I think my wrist\nis broken.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf course, it wouldn't be Freedom Day\nwithout the traditional Freedom Tub!\n\n[He presses a button and a hole in the floor opens revealing\na hot-tub. Everyone reacts with excitement. Hermes dips his finger\nin.]\n\nHERMES\nMmm! That'll feel nice on my shattered\nbones!\n\n[The staff start to undress around Fry. He gasps.]\n\nFRY\nWow! Nude hot-tubbing? That's all I\nneed to hear about Freedom Day!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThen consider the following lecture\na bonus: On Earth, freedom is a given.\nBut on my planet, we have to suffer\nfor it.\n\n[Flashback. Child Zoidberg wears a hat and comical specs with\nattached mouth flaps. A Decapodian woman is with him.]\n\nDECAPODIAN WOMAN\nSure, you can be a comedian instead\nof a doctor -- If you want your parents\nto roll over in their graves!\n\n[Later, grown-up Zoidberg is at a polling station.]\n\nDECAPODIAN MAN\nSure. You can vote for Shkinadel --\nIf you want there should be a recession!\n\n[Zoidberg turns away sadly. Back at his home, Zoidberg is holding\nsuitcases.]\n\nDECAPODIAN WOMAN\nSure. You can go to medical school --\nIf you've given up on your dream of\nbeing a comedian!\n\n[Zoidberg turns away sadly.]\n\n[Flashback ends.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's why I love Earth! You can do\nwhat you want, and no-one makes you\nfeel guilty because no-one cares.\n\n[Fry is in the hot-tub with everyone else.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) We're not listening!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's what I'm talking about!\n\n[The ship flies over Washington D.C. (Rededicated to Washington\nthe Sweathog, 2475). It flies over the Reflecting Pool where\npeople bathe and lands in front of the Fxjkhr Monument. A banner\nhas been hung up on it with \"Freedom Day-- Express Yourself\"\nprinted on it. Underneath, a man has painted \"I Hate My Job\".]\n\n[Washington D.C. Street. There is a parade. Vehicles carrying\nDOOP missiles float along the street. One has a \"Boy Scout Troop\n#254\" banner on it. The one behind has \"Top Secret Do Not Look\"\non it. People on stilts walk by chanting the Freedom song.]\n\nSTILT PEOPLE\n(chanting) Freedom, freedom, freedom,\noy! Freedom, freedom, freedom, oy!\n\n[The Fighting Dukaki drive past. On the pavement, Bender and\nother staff push their way to the front of the crowd. Bender\nis wearing a cowcatcher.]\n\nBENDER\nScuse me, comin' through. Freedom train\narriving on track one.\n\n[He imitates a train whistle.]\n\nWOMAN\nOw! You broke my foot!\n\nBENDER\nFreedom!\n\n[In the commentary box, Morbo and Linda watch the parade go by.]\n\nMORBO\nWhat's this next float, Linda?\n\nLINDA\nRepresenting our men, women and children\nin uniform, it's Earth's greatest space\nhero, Zapp Brannigan!\n\n[Zapp and Kif are in a rocket float. Zapp waves to the crowd.]\n\nZAPP\nHappy Freedom Day, ladies! Come on,\nlet loose and show me something! Anything.\nSeriously, I'd take an armpit. Oh,\nyeah! Thank you, Linda!\n\n[He throws some beads. Linda pulls her top down and catches the\nbeads.]\n\nLINDA\nYou're welcome! OK, Morbo, now it's\nyour turn.\n\nMORBO\nIf that is your Freedom Day wish.\n\n[He lifts his shirt and Linda screams.]\n\n[Fxjkhr Monument. A band plays Hail to the Chief and a man very\nslowly carries Nixon's head and places it on a podium. Crowds\nare gathered in front of the monument.]\n\nNIXON\nThank you, Secretary of Transportation.\nMy fellow Earthicans, we enjoy so much\nfreedom, it's almost sickening. We're\nfree to choose which hand our sex-monitoring\nchip is implanted in. And if we don't\nwant to pay our taxes, why, we're free\nto spend a weekend with the Pain Monster.\n\nPAIN MONSTER\nSee you April 15th, folks!\n\nNIXON\nCue the fireworks guy! Incidentally,\ntonight's Freedom Day celebration is\nbrought to you by ... ... \"Shankman's\nRubbing Compound\". When something needs\nrubbing, think \"Shankman\".\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nBENDER\nYay! Shankman!\n\nHERMES\nIt costs a little more but it's worth\nit!\n\nNIXON\nOur planet has been through so much\nthis past year: Wars, droughts, impeachments!\nBut we've never lost our sense of what's\ntruly important: The great taste of\n\"Charleston Chew\"! And now, let us\nsalute that beloved symbol of freedom,\nour flag, Ol' Freebie!\n\n[Earth's flag comes down. Zoidberg wipes his mouth.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm swelling with patriotic mucus!\n\n[Fireworks explode.]\n\nNIXON\nIn our darkest hour, we can stand erect,\nwith proud upthrust bosoms!\n\nFRY\nAnyone who laughs is a Communist!\n\nNIXON\nKnowing that, with a shifty glance skyward,\nwe will see by the rocket's red glare,\nthat our flag is still there. It's\ngone!\n\n[Zoidberg tears the flag, eats it and belches. The crowd gasp.\nZoidberg steps forward.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYes, fellow patriots, I ate your flag.\nAnd I did it with pride. For to express\noneself with doing a thing is the very\nessence of Freedom Day! Bless this planet\nand all its wonderful people!\n\n[Crickets chirp.]\n\nNIXON\n(shouting) Kill him! Kill the traitor!\n\n[The crowd rush onto the platform and Zoidberg squeals.]\n\n[Washington D.C. Street. Zoidberg scuttles around a corner, wooping\nand being chased by the crowd. He runs past a man spraying \"Earth\nSux\" on a mailbox.]\n\nMAN\nHey, it's the guy who desecrated our\nflag!\n\n[The crowd run past.]\n\nNIXON\nStop that red menace!\n\n[Cut to: Embassy Row. Zoidberg runs past the grey Neutral Planet\nEmbassy, the pretty Klingon Embassy and the Globetrotter Homeworld\nEmbassy. He tires and stops running and wooping.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm all scuttled out! Huh? My planet's\nembassy? They're paid to not kill me!\nA-yoop!\n\n[He jumps into the moat around the embassy and swims over.]\n\n[Decapodian Embassy. The angry crowd are outside, shouting. Zoidberg\nis inside, sat across a desk from Ambassador Moivin, a man and\na woman. The curtains close.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI thought I understood this world. I\nthought I was fitting in. But I guess\nI don't belong on here anymore than\nI belong on our crappy home planet--\nOoh, sorry.\n\nDECAPODIAN MAN\nWhat sorry? Our planet stinks, we all\nknow it.\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nEnough with the persecution, I'm saying.\nZoidberg, as Ambassador, I promise you\nthe full support of our government already.\n\nDECAPODIAN WOMAN\nPoor boy. You want maybe a nice mug\ncocoa?\n\n[Zoidberg nods.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAmbassador Moivin, you and your staff\nare so kind. I'm truly humbled. What,\nno marshmallows?\n\n[Cut to: Outside Decapodian Embassy.]\n\nNIXON\nLet's storm the place ... without my\nprior knowledge.\n\n[The Planet Express staff push through again.]\n\nBENDER\nScuse me, comin' through. Freedom train,\nstep aside. You too, fatso. Freedom!\n\nLEELA\nCool your jowls, Nixon. You may not\nlike it that Dr. Zoidberg desecrated\na flag. You might even find the image\nof it festering in his bowels somehow\noffensive. But the right to freedom\nof expression is guaranteed by the Earth\nconstitution.\n\nNIXON\nAroo! Maybe so. But I know a place where\nthe constitution doesn't mean squat.\n\n[Supreme Court.]\n\nMYRTLE FU\nThe Supreme Court hereby accepts the\ncase of Earth vs Zoidberg.\n\nNIXON\nSock it to 'em!\n\n[Newspaper Headline: \"Lobster Trial Nears\". Underneath is a sub-headline:\n\"Mobster Trial Nears\".]\n\n[Outside Decapodian Embassy. There is a protest rally.]\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) Two, four, six, eight,\n\nEating the flag is bad.\n\nSCOUT LEADER\nNow your noose knot has exactly seven\ntwists.\n\n[A man plays a guitar.]\n\nMAN\n(singing) You can eat my dog,\n\nYou can eat my truck,\n\nBut you eat my flag,\n\nAnd you're outta luck!\n\nShe's a-wavin' proud around the world,\n\nFrom Dallas to Fort Worth,\n\nLet me say it again,\n\n[A truck toots.]\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) Don't mess with Earth!\n\nFRY\nThey sure hate Dr. Zoidberg.\n\nBENDER\nPft. Posers! I was hating Zoidberg before\nit was cool.\n\nFRY\nWhere are we ever going to find a lawyer\nto take his case?\n\nLEELA\nI'll ask the head of the ACLU. Once\nhe's done singing.\n\nMAN\n(singing) Don't mess with Earth. (talking)\nKill Zoidberg! Goodnight!\n\n[Old Man Waterfall is behind them.]\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nHowdy there! I'm a lawyer and I'd like\nto help your friend out of his pickle.\n\nFRY\nWho are you, old man?\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nName's Old Man Waterfall. But most folks\njust call me \"Old Man\".\n\nFRY\nI'll never remember that.\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nI'm a veteran of three dozen wars. Name\na body part and a planet and I've taken\na bullet in it, on it. All to keep our\nflag flying free.\n\nBENDER\nAnd you wanna defend Zoidberg? Are you\nfamiliar with the old robot saying \"Does\nNot Compute\"?\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nSon, to me a robot's just a garbage\ncan with sparks comin' out it.\n\nBENDER\n(sad) The sparks keep me warm.\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nI don't condone what Dr. Zoidberg did\nbut I'll fight tooth and nail for his\nfreedom to do it. Or I would if I hadn't\nlost my teeth and nails on Mars and\nSaturn respectively.\n\nFRY\nWait, you're a lawyer? You're hired!\n\n[Supreme Court. A hologram of Zoidberg appears on a table. The\nPlanet Express staff sit in the front row.]\n\nFRY\nYou OK there in the embassy, Zoidberg?\n\nHOLO-ZOIDBERG\nNo. There's no coaco marshmallows and\nevery night the rats eat a little more\nof my foot.\n\nBAILIFF\nOyez, oyez, oyez. All rise for the Honourable\nChief Justice, Myrtle Fu, and the associate\njustices.\n\n[Sal pulls in several heads in jars and the Chief Justice.]\n\nMYRTLE FU\nCounsel, you may address the court on\nbehalf of Earth, if you're ready.\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nI was hatched ready! Honourable judge\nheads, yonder crawdad done ate up our\nflag.\n\n[He points at Zoidberg.]\n\nHOLO-ZOIDBERG\nI was doing freedom of speech. Earth's\nmost sacred right.\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nYour Honour, freedom of speech applies\nto what comes out of a mouth. Not what\ngoes in.\n\nO'CONNOR\nCan counsel cite precedent?\n\nHYPER-CHICKEN\nUh, yes darlin', I can. In \"State Of\nAlabama vs. Giant Space Iguana\", chewin'\nthe corners off the constitution was\ndeemed \"nonprotected speech\".\n\nSOUTER\nHe shut you up, O'Connor.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nMYRTLE FU\nMr. Waterfall, you may now present arguments\non behalf of Dr. Zoidberg.\n\nHOLO-ZOIDBERG\nOh, God, I'm nervous. Two of my three\nhearts are having attacks.\n\n[Bender laughs.]\n\nBENDER\nCourt's kinda fun when it's not my ass\non the line! Nachos?\n\n[He offers some around. Old Man Waterfall gets up.]\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nOh, land-o-Goshen! Your Honours, I'm\nnot some slick, big-city lawyer like\nmy opponent here. But I am a veteran\nwho has fought for his planet. You see\nthis hand of mine?\n\nSCALIA\nYes, I do.\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nNo, you don't 'Cause I lost my real\nhand plantin' the flag when we took\nback Halley's Comet! Yet it was worth\nit. So much do I love that flag. I\nlove it even more than I love my seven\nwives. That's right, I'm a polygamist.\nYet I would gladly eat a flag myself,\nhad I not used my intestine as a rope\nto hoist a flag made of my own skin,\nif it would protect the freedoms of\nthe proud people who salute that flag.\nFreedom such as polygamy. I rest my\ncase. Whoa, jeez!\n\nMYRTLE FU\nThe justices and I will now confer using\nhigh-speed telepathy. By a vote of\nsix to three, we find that flag eating\nis not protected by the constitution.\n\n[The court gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nSix to three? I beat the spread!\n\nMYRTLE FU\nThe court orders an immediate public\napology.\n\nHOLO-ZOIDBERG\nApology accepted. Just don't let it\nhappen again.\n\nHERMES\nShe means you, you turkey of the sea!\n\nHOLO-ZOIDBERG\nMe? Apologise? Never! I came to this\nplanet to learn the meaning of freedom.\nBut I say it's you who should get a\nnice lesson! So do your worst, because\nno punishment could be worse than denying\nmy freedom.\n\nMYRTLE FU\nYou are hereby sentenced to death.\n\nHOLO-ZOIDBERG\nWait, let me finish!\n\n[The court gasps.]\n\nMYRTLE FU\nAlso, in a rare double-whammy decision,\nthe court finds polygamy constitutional.\n\n[The court boos.]\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nI can't wait to tell my husband!\n\n[The court boos louder.]\n\n[Outside Decapodian Embassy. DOOP soldiers, led by Zapp, stand\nby the moat.]\n\nZAPP\nRemember, men: Take him alive so there's\nsomething left to kill.\n\n[The troops use a battering ram on the door. The Ambassador and\nZoidberg run onto the balcony above.]\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nStay back! This embassy is sovereign\nmud of the mud planet Decapod 10. Invading\nthese mud premises is an act of war.\n\nZAPP\nYeah? Well what are you going to do\nabout it, Shrimp-y?\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nYou wanna see, Mr. Big-Shot? Attack\nEarth. Yes I know it's a schlep. Just\ndo it!\n\n[The DOOP soldiers look up at the sky but nothing happens. Some\nclear their throats. Eventually, several Decapodian ships come\nscreeching down from the sky. The ships have crustacean-like\npincer claws at the front.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAha! Now the rubber band's on the other\nclaw!\n\nZAPP\nReady? Retreat!\n\n[The soldiers run for it.]\n\n[Washington D.C. Street. People run away as she ships swoop over\nthe top of them. One cuts the legs off the stilt people and another\ngrabs a ship and \"eats\" it. A third cuts the top off the Clinton\nMonument.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Library of Congress. Fry, Leela and Bender run\ninside, screaming, and shut the doors.]\n\nPERSON\n(from library) Sh!\n\n[They scream quietly.]\n\n[Cut to: Decapodian Embassy Balcony.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nDeny my freedom, will you? Well we'll\ndo to you what we did to the Squash\nMen of the Squash Planet! Squish them!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nCharleston Chew?\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou bet!\n\n[Washington D.C. Decapodian ships fly around, blowing things\nup. The Nimbus flies over the White House.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches the mayhem on the viewscreen.]\n\nZAPP\nAlright, Kif, let's show these freaks\nwhat a bloated, runaway military budget\ncan do. Bring me the activation codes\nfor our global defence network.\n\nKIF\n(unenthusiastic) Aye, aye, sir.\n\n[He drags a computer over to Zapp and it stretches his arm. Zapp\npushes a button.]\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nCommence lip identification scan. No\ntongue.\n\n[The computer beeps and opens up. Zapp takes a disc out of it.]\n\nZAPP\nWe can't be too careful with these codes.\nRumour has it a double agent may be\naboard this very ship. I'm watching\nyou! You, ensign? What's your name?\n\n[The ensign is a Decapodian wearing a wig, a DOOP uniform and\noven gloves over his claws. He salutes.]\n\n\"ENSIGN\"\nHugh Man, sir!\n\nZAPP\nHugh Man? Now that's a name I can trust.\nRun down to the central battle computer\nand enter these codes. Chop, chop!\n\n[The Decapodian takes the disc from Zapp and scuttles out.]\n\nKIF\nUm, sir? There's something about that\nensign that's--\n\nZAPP\nYou're damn right there is! That strapping\nyoung lad's gunning for your job. And\nhe just might get it.\n\n[Kif turns around and sees the Decapodian fly a small ship towards\na Decapodian ship on the viewscreen. He sighs.]\n\n[The Decapodian ship flies towards the Nimbus with its claws\nat the ready.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]\n\nZAPP\nThe enemy approacheth! Lieutenant, fire\nmissile one and recommend me for another\nmedal. Make it gaudy, I'm going clubbing\nlater. Tick, tock!\n\nKIF\nSir, all planetary defences have been\ndisabled. Perhaps the Decapodians acquired\nour secret codes, somehow.\n\nZAPP\nWell, Kif, stand by to take the blame.\nSteady, steady ... now!\n\n[Kif screams.]\n\n[The Decapodian ship grabs the Nimbus and cuts it in half. The\nfront part falls towards the ground. Zapp and Kif scream. It\nhits the ground.]\n\n[Newspaper Headline: \"Handsome Invaders Defeat Earth\". A sub-headline\nreads \"Post Names New Editor\" and a picture of a Decapodian.]\n\n[Slave Camp. People are chained to each other by their ankles.\nThey pass buckets along the line and empty it on a big pile of\nmud.]\n\nLEELA\nDr. Zoidberg, how can you claim to love\nfreedom and then enslave all of Earth?\n\nZOIDBERG\nBah! Your planet doesn't deserve freedom\nuntil it learns what it is to not have\nfreedom. It's a lesson, I say.\n\n[A Decapodian soldier pinches Fry's chest with a pincer spear.]\n\nFRY\nOw!\n\nBENDER\nWhat the hell is this dirt pile we're\nbuilding anyhow?\n\nZOIDBERG\nNone of your beeswax, slave! You'll\nfind out soon enough. Just focus on\nglobing that mud. (shouting) Glob!\n\n[The slaves get back to work. Zoidberg and the soldiers leave.]\n\n[Outside Capitol Building. Fry, Leela, Bender, Kif and Zapp sit\non the steps at night as Decapodian ships fly overhead. A banner\nreading \"Under New Management\" has been hung over the door.]\n\nFRY\nI'm no good at being a slave. I'm thinking\nabout graduate school. Y'know? To become\na barber?\n\nLEELA\nThis can't go on. Today is the day we\nfight back!\n\nBENDER\nIt's already 10 o'clock!\n\n[Leela checks her watch.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, you're right. Tomorrow is the day\nwe fight back.\n\nZAPP\nYeah? Well good luck, sister. All our\nmodern technology is useless.\n\nBENDER\nI know I am.\n\n[He goes to sleep.]\n\nFRY\nHey, wait! I'm having one of those things.\nYou know? A headache with pictures?\n\nLEELA\nAn idea?\n\n[Fry nods his head.]\n\n[Museum Of Ancient Weaponry. A banner outside advertises \"Nuns\nAnd Nunchucks: Mother Teresa's Secret Arsenal\". Inside, Fry,\nBender, Leela, Kif and Zapp pass the world's biggest rolling\npin, a spear (circa 2256), Dillinger's semi-automatic salad shooter,\nand a sharkapult.]\n\nFRY\nBack in my day, we didn't have your\nfancy all-digital weapons but we still\nmanaged to kill each other just fine.\n\nBENDER\nAh, the crossbow. A pitiless, elegant\nkilling machine. The Bender of the 15th\ncentury.\n\nFRY\nNot big enough. We need something that\ncan take out an entire army. Something\nyou could commit a war crime with--\n\n[He sees something and gasps. Leela, Kif, Zapp and Bender see\nit too.]\n\nBENDER\nWow! Ow!\n\n[Park. Moivin gives a speech to the slaves from a stage. Zoidberg\nstands to one side of him.]\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nEarth slaves, behold the fruit of your\nlabours: The Mobile Oppression Palace.\n\n[A huge crab-like contraption with the mud from the day before\ndumped on top of it scuttles behind the stage. The slaves gasp.]\n\nBENDER\nNeat!\n\n[He takes a photo.]\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nI don't need to tell you that occupation\nforces are expensive. But with the Mobile\nOppression Palace, a few dignitaries\ncan oppress your entire planet for pennies\na day. Warships, dismissed!\n\n[The Decapodian ships turn skyward and fly away. The Mobile Oppression\nPalace scuttles away from the park.]\n\n[Cut to: Washington DC Street. It bashes down a sign for Johnson's\nCollapsible Top Hats, squeezes and E-Z Squeeze Accordion sign\nand tries to karate-chop a Hair King Unbreakable Combs sign.\nIt doesn't work. The Palace tries again three times but can't\nbreak it so it just pushes the sign over. Old Man Waterfall runs\nin front of the Palace waving Ol' Freebie.]\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nDo your worst, you sea devils! I'll\nmake my stand with Ol' Freebie. You\ncan crush me but you can't crush my\nspirit! Argh! My spirit!\n\n[The Palace lifts its claw. Frieda Waterfall runs from the crowd\nto Old Man Waterfall.]\n\nFRIEDA WATERFALL\nGreat Grandpa, no! Another victim of\nthe mano-centric male-ocracy.\n\n[Cut to: Park.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAmbassador Moivin, you killed my lawyer.\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nYou're welcome.\n\nZOIDBERG\nHe defended my freedom when no-one else\nwould. He was a good and honourable\nman.\n\n[Cut to: Washington DC Street.]\n\nOLD MAN WATERFALL\nI request a Satanic funeral.\n\n[The crowd boos.]\n\n[Cut to: Park.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nIs it possible that all this slavery\nand oppression is shmutzing up our freedom\nlesson?\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nAh, take a pill, Zoidberg. (shouting)\nBegin again with the crushing!\n\n[Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. The Palace picks up a car and\nthrows it across at a crowd of people.]\n\n[Cut to: Park.]\n\nFRY\nYou haven't won yet, Moivin! You didn't\nexpect us to even go to a museum, much\nless steal this ancient heat-seeking\nmissile.\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nI don't even know you.\n\n[Fry presses a button. Behind some trees the heat-seeking missile\nlaunches. It flies behind Fry, Leela and Bender towards the Mobile\nOppression Palace.]\n\n[Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. The Decapodians on the balcony\nscream.]\n\nDECAPODIAN WOMAN\nOh, it's gonna make such a mess!\n\n[The Palace ducks and the missile passes over it. It comes back\nand flies around it a few times. The Decapodians sigh with relief.]\n\n[Cut to: Park.]\n\nAMBASSADOR MOIVIN\nThis is your secret plan? Meh! Heat-seeking\nmissiles are useless against the Mobile\nOppression Palace. All Decapodian technology\nis cold-blooded, like us!\n\n[The Palace closes in on a crowd of people.]\n\n[Cut to: Washington D.C. Street. Zoidberg picks up the flag Old\nMan Waterfall was holding.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAll eyes on Zoidberg! Ew!\n\n[He shakes the flag and the hand flies off. He takes Bender's\ncigar.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, I need that to smoke!\n\n[Zoidberg sets fire to the flag. The crowd gasps. Zoidberg waves\nthe flag around, fanning the flames.]\n\nFRY\nZoidberg, how could you? I used to think\nyou were cool.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWait! People of Earth, listen. Yes,\nI'm desecrating a flag. But to preserve\nthe freedom it represents!\n\n[He throws the flag like a javelin at the Mobile Oppression Palace.\nThe heat-seeking missile detects it and flies towards it. The\nDecapodians scream and leap from the balcony. The Palace explodes\nand splatters the crowd with mud. They cheer.]\n\nLEELA\nZoidberg, you set us free! I feel like\nI could stand to hug you! I can't, but\nyou know what I'm trying to say.\n\nCROWD\n(chanting) Zoidberg! Zoidberg! Zoidberg!\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh, if only they appreciated freedom\nthis much on my home planet. Wait a\nsecond! They do! Because this is my\nhome planet.\n\n[Outside capitol Building. Nixon gives a speech.]\n\nNIXON\nAnd now, to raise this beautiful new\nflag, a red lobster that won't ruin\nyour dinner: Dr. John Zoidberg!\n\n[Enter Zoidberg. The crowd cheers. The Secretary of Transportation\nhands Zoidberg a new flag. He unfolds it.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nYou're a nice man, Nixon.\n\nSCOOP CHANG\nDr. Zoidberg, how's about you take a\nbite of the flag for tomorrow's papers?\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh, I couldn't.\n\nNIXON\nNo, no, no, go ahead. You've earned\nit!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell, maybe just a taste. Mmm! Now\nthat's a grand old flag! I wonder what\nthe Shroud of Turin tastes like.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Kif-Gets-Knocked-Up-A-Notch.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 505\n\n\"KIF GETS KNOCKED UP A NOTCH\"\n\nBy\n\nBill Odenkirk\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Bigfoot's Choice.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Amy flies in on a party-board.]\n\nAMY\nWoohoo! Shman! The Great Rad Spot is\nmega sweet for mega party-boarding.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIndeed.\n\nAMY\nAny calls while I was out?\n\nLEELA\nYeah. You got a telesonic transmission\nfrom Kif a couple hours ago.\n\n[Amy gasps.]\n\nAMY\nMy Kiffie called? Kif?\n\nKIF [ON SCREEN]\nOoo Amy you're back. Another hour and\nI would have thought about hanging up.\n\nAMY\nWhy didn't you just leave a message\nsweetie?\n\nKIF [ON SCREEN]\nWell um, I've left hundreds of messages\nwith your answering machine but you\nnever seem to...\n\nAMY (SHOUTING)\nBender!\n\nBENDER\nNot my fault if you don't check me!\nMessages erased.\n\nKIF [ON SCREEN]\nOh dearest, this long distance relationship\nis too much to bear......when even an\ninch seperates us I quiver with misery.\nSo you can imagine how I feel when it's\na billion light years.\n\n[He cries.]\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Communication Room.]\n\nAMY [ON SCREEN]\nKif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy\nache.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. On the screen Zapp walks up\nbehind Kif.]\n\nZAPP [ON SCREEN]\nLieutenant, some things came off me\nand clogged the drain so if you could......oh\nho! What's this?\n\n[Cut to: Nimbus Communication Room. Zapp zooms the screen in\non Leela.]\n\nZAPP\nWell well well! Do my eyes believe me\nor is that my bosomy swan, Leela?\n\nLEELA [ON SCREEN]\nSay again. You're breaking up!\n\n[She throws the book she is reading at the screen.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela's book hits the screen\nand smashes it, cutting off the line. Amy groans. Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone. You'll be delivering\npain medicine to the hive mind of Nigel\n7.\n\n[Enter Scruffy, wheeling in a huge pill.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy's rollin' out a large pill!\n\nAMY\nYou're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol\nnear there! You could drop me off on\nthe way!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe could but we won't! It's a spaceship\ndammit not a prom limousine! If anyone\nneeds me I'll be in the Angry Dome.\n\n[He leaves, waving his fists.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off. Farnsworth\npaces around and curses in the Angry Dome which is a small transparent\nstructure in the roof between the hangar and Farnsworth's home\ndome.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship leaves Earth orbit.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is a very long trip, so we'll all\nhave to go into hibernative-naptosis\nto save oxygen.\n\n[She presses a button and the lights dim. Bender curses.]\n\nBENDER\nI don't even breathe oxygen!\n\n[He shuts down.]\n\n[Ship's Cargo Bay. The crew are asleep. In the darkness of the\ncargo bay, the giant pill begins to shake. It breaks apart and\nAmy climbs out of it.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Amy sneaks past a snoring Bender, sits\nin the pilot's seat and takes control of the ship.]\n\nAMY (WHISPERING)\nHere I come Kif!\n\n[She turns the ship around and laughs.]\n\n[Nimbus Bridge. Zapp watches Casper The Friendly Ghost on the\nscreen and chuckles.]\n\nZAPP\nThey jump right out of their pants!\nOh what now? Activate glass window.\nKif, I'm sensing a very sensual disturbance\nin the force. Prepare for ship-to-ship\nintimacy!\n\nKIF\nYes sir captain!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Nimbus. The front section of the Nimbus's starboard\nleg opens up and swallows the Planet Express ship \u00e0 la the SPECTRE\nspaceship in You Only Live Twice.]\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Quarters. The lights come on and a startled\nLeela wakes up. She turns over and sees Zapp lying beside her.]\n\nZAPP\nHow 'bout I help you finish that dream\nyou were having about me?\n\nLEELA\nOK, I was just at this part: Heyya!\n\n[She punches him and he falls off the bed.]\n\nZAPP\nUh, let's try that a little lower and\na lot softer!\n\n[Kif's Quarters. Kif and Amy sit on his bed.]\n\nKIF\nImagine you stowing away and stealing\na licenced starship! Oh it's so romantic\nit gives me the shivvers!\n\n[He shivvers.]\n\nAMY\nI don't care how much trouble I get\nin. I needed to feel my lips pressed\nagainst your lipless beak!\n\n[They kiss.]\n\nKIF\nOh Amy, I can't stand having a whole\nuniverse between us. I've been thinking\na lot about this and, well, would you\nmove in with me?\n\nAMY\nHere? But...uh...wouldn't it be crowded?\n\nKIF\nNo no, it's really twice the size! You\ncan use the floor and, I'll have the\nceiling! See?\n\n[He climbs up the wall and onto the ceiling. Amy giggles.]\n\nAMY\nKif! You have so much creativity and\nniceness, but......I'm not sure if I\n-\n\nKIF\nHush! Before you answer, come thither!\n\n[Nimbus Holo-Shed. A bare room which looks very similar to the\nHolodeck from Star Trek: The Next Generation. The walls, floors\nand ceiling are criss-crossed with lines. Amy looks around.]\n\nKIF\nThis is the Holo-Shed. It can simulate\nanything you desire, and nothing can\nhurt you. Except when it malfunctions\nand the holograms become real.\n\nAMY\nWell, that probably won't happen this\ntime.\n\nKIF\nI wanted to show you what life would\nbe like if we were together. Computer:\nRun program Kif-1.\n\n[The environment changes to a mountainous landscape with a small\nhouse in the background. Amy gasps.]\n\nAMY\nThis is so beautiful! Spirit! Kif!\nThat's the pony I always wanted but\nmy parents said I had too many ponies\nalready!\n\nKIF\nYes. I prgorammed it in for you! 4 million\nlines of BASIC! And, if this isn't the\nlife you want, how 'bout this? Run program\nKif-2!\n\n[The environment changes to a night-time scene by a moonlit lake.]\n\nAMY\nOh Kif!\n\n[They put their arms around each other.]\n\nKIF\nWe could live here by the shore of the\ntranquilibrious sea, in a timeshare.\nAnd I would pluck the moon from the\nsky, just to see you smile. Almost\ngot it. It seems to be sort of, stuck!\nI love you! Run program Kif://3.\n\n[The environment changes to a castle in the clouds.]\n\nAMY\nThis isn't bad. My aunt had a place\nlike this.\n\nKIF\nAmy, we could live in a bus station\nbathroom for all I care. As long as\nwe're together it will feel like a castle\nto me.\n\nAMY\nKif, I'd love to live with you...someday.\nBut before then there's still lots I\nwanna do on my own. What was that?\n\nKIF\nOh dear. I feel the Holo-Shed might\nbe broken again. Well, as long as we\ndon't cross paths with Atilla the -\n\n[...Hun bursts through the castle gates followed by Moriarty\nfrom the Sherlock Holmes novels, Jack The Ripper and an evil\nAbraham Lincoln.]\n\nAMY\nLook! Spirit!\n\n[Atilla the Hun is riding Spirit, who rears up and roars like\na very angry rabid horse.]\n\nKIF\nAnd there's Professor Moriarty, Jack\nThe Ripper, Evil Lincoln!\n\n[Evil Lincoln cackles.]\n\nMORIARTY\nRight-o gents it's another simulation\ngone mad so murder and mayhem, standard\nprocedure!\n\n[They start wrecking the castle.]\n\nJACK THE RIPPER\nRampage!!\n\nEVIL LINCOLN\nReal hologram simulated Evil Lincoln\nis back!!\n\n[He smashes his axe into the castle's wall and the environment\nfizzles out, leaving Kif, Amy and the holograms in the bare Holo-Shed.\nKif and Amy run out.]\n\n[Nimbus Bridge. Klaxons wail and red lights flash on and off.\nEnter Amy and Kif.]\n\nKIF\nThe Holo-Shed's on the fritz again,\nthe characters turned real!\n\nZAPP\nDamn. The last time that happened I\ngot slapped with three paternity suits.\nListen up history's greatest villains......Get\nback into the Holo-Shed before I start\nblasting!\n\nATILLA THE HUN\nStop! Don't shoot fire stick in space\ncanoe! Cause explosive decompression!\n\nZAPP\nSpare me your space-age technobabble\nAtilla The Hun!\n\n[He shoots at the holograms. They dodge the lasers and one shot\nhits the wall. The bridge starts decompressing. The holograms\nare blown out into space through the hole. Leela grabs hold of\nZapp's chair, Fry grabs her legs and Bender grabs Fry's legs.\nHis chest cabinet opens and an Egyptian artefact falls out. He\ngroans. Zapp flies by and grabs Bender's legs. His toupe\u00e9 wobbles\nin the wind. On the other side of the bridge Amy starts losing\nher grip on Kif's hand.]\n\nAMY\nKif! Hold on!\n\nKIF\nI totally want to!\n\n[His hand slips out of his glove. Amy grabs his face but loses\nher grip and the wind carries him towards the hole. He grabs\nhold of Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nGrab on!\n\n[He loses his grip on her and grabs Fry's trouser leg.]\n\nFRY\nOver here!\n\n[He reaches for Bender but he doesn't help.]\n\nKIF\nHold me!\n\nBENDER\nHave a good one! Aw, man!\n\n[Zapp breathes a sigh of relief and straightens his toupe\u00e9.]\n\nZAPP\nAfter all that I could use some relaxation.\nI'll be in the Holo-Shed.\n\n[Nimbus Sick Bay & Horta Burn Clinic. A doctor finishes examining\nZapp.]\n\nDOCTOR\nWell, except for a few broken bones,\nsome internal hemoraging and a partially\nbarfed up heart, everyone appears fine.\nOh and Kif is pregnant.\n\n[Everyone gasps. Kif hugs Amy.]\n\nKIF\nOh joy!\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nKIF\nAmy, isn't it wonderful? I'm pregnant!\n\nAMY (UNSURE)\nYes it's...great. A great miracle.\n\nLEELA\nAnd not one of those bogus everyday\nmiracles like a sunrise. Aren't you\na male?\n\nBENDER\nYeah what's the deal? Just when I thought\nI'd figured out you biological creatures,\nits something else! Lemme at 'im! Come...over...lemme...!\n\n[Kif shakes.]\n\nZAPP\nLook, I'm sure we're all a little unclear\non how anyone gets pregnant. So Kif,\npray explain. And don't spare the dirty\nwords where appropriate.\n\nKIF\nWell it's quite simple really. When\none of my species experiences deep feelings\nof love we enter a so called \"receptive\nstate.\"\n\nZAPP\nYou disgust me! Go on.\n\nKIF\nAt that point, our skin becomes a semi-permeable\nmembrane which allows the passage of\ngenetic material. I held Amy's hand\nand voila.\n\nBENDER\nOh OK. but that better be all there\nis!\n\nKIF\nOh Amy! You'll be a mother!\n\n[He hugs her.]\n\n[Kif's Quarters. Everyone except Zapp is there. Even Evil Lincoln.]\n\nKIF\nWhat a wonderous affirmation of our\nlove! And all from the touch of your\nhand.\n\n[He laughs and rolls around.]\n\nFRY\nDude hold up! Remember when Zapp blew\na hole in the ship?\n\nEVIL LINCOLN\nIndeed.\n\nFRY\nKif touched everybody there. Couldn't\nany one of us be the mother?\n\nAMY\nHey yeah! I mean...what about that\nKif?\n\nKIF\nWell I suppose I might have gotten pregnant\nthat way. Or even from a toilet seat.\nThough that's impossible since I have\na private washroom.\n\n[Kif's toilet flushes and Zapp emerges from the washroom.]\n\nZAPP\nAh, my home away from home. By the way\nKif, your flush seemed to be set on\nstun, not kill.\n\n[Kif trembles.]\n\nAMY\nLook Kif, I probably am the mother.\nAlthough maybe I'm not. Of course I\nhope I am but just in case I'm not,\nmaybe we should have a test.\n\nBENDER\nA test. I demand a test!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. A huge piece of equipment is in the\nmiddle of the room. Everyone stands around it.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEven I laughed at me when I built this\nalien cross species genetic analyser\nbut I guess I showed myself! Subjects,\nplease enter the chamber. Now to take\na DNA sample. When I pull this switch\nthe maternifuge will spin at 10,000\nRPM, seperating out everyone who isn't\nthe mother....father...whatever.\n\n[He pulls the switch and the maternifuge starts spinning. Everyone\nin it screams. Farnsworth drops the floor from underneath them.]\n\nBENDER\nFaster! Faster!\n\n[Fry flies out of the maternifuge and hits a mattress.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood. Fry's ejection indicates that\nhe is not the man-mom. Nor is Captain\nBrannigan.\n\n[Kif wipes his forehead.]\n\nKIF\nOh thank you merciful God!\n\n[Zoidberg flies out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nZoidberg?! What the hell were you doing\nin there?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's where I live. I have no home.\n\n[Everyone watches as Leela and Amy spin around in the maternifuge.\nSomeone screams as they fly through the tube. It is Amy. Kif\nlooks in horror.]\n\nKIF\nAmy? But that means...\n\n[He looks in the slowing maternifuge. Leela is the only one left.\nShe slides out.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nKIF\nLeela must have impregnated me when\nshe grabbed my ungloved hand. That explains\nthe poster in hygiene class: No Glove,\nNo Love.\n\nLEELA\nWow, this is all so confusing.\n\nZAPP\nLeela! How could you? Our love has had\nto endure your constant hatred and now\nthis? (crying) Stop testing our love!\n\nKIF\nPlease captain. I thank Leela for the\nDNA she gave me but in my species, the\ntrue parent is the one that inspired\nthe initial feeling of love. We call\nthat person the smizmar. And my smizmar\nis Amy.\n\nZAPP\nSo the toilet seat is like the uncle\nor something?\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Amy and Leela are out for drinks.]\n\nLEELA\nSorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.\n\nAMY\nThat's OK, at least Kif's baby shower\nshould be fun. I'd better put it on\nmy calendar. (to calendar) Thursday:\nBaby shower. Enter. Might as well plan\nfor my new life while I'm at it. (to\ncalendar) Set Motherhood Mode.\n\n[The calendar erases all of Amy's entries and replaces it with\nMotherhood. Amy sighs. Leela raises her glass.]\n\nLEELA\nTo motherhood.\n\n[The clink their glasses and guzzle back their drinks.]\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Everyone\nhas gathered for Kif's baby shower. Leo and Inez Wong are there\ntoo.]\n\nAMY\nMom, Dad, I know this is weird but -\n\nMRS WONG\nYeah yeah, we don't care how squishy\nalien get pregnant. All we care is we\nhave grandchild now.\n\nKIF\nYou're very open-minded Mrs Wong.\n\nMR WONG\nHey! You call her grandma now!\n\nMRS WONG\nCall me grandma like crazy! All the\ntime!\n\n[Fry taps his glass.]\n\nFRY\nCheck it out y'all. Everyone we invited\nis here.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAlso Zoidberg!\n\nFRY\nSo lets open the gifts!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nKIF\nLets start with this one. From Bender.\n\n[He opens the box and sees the gift. It is a pair of mounted\nrobot shoes.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's my booties from when I was a kid.\n\nAMY\nUh, they're already bronzed.\n\nBENDER\nThey are bronze.\n\n[Kif is about to open another gift.]\n\nKIF\nAnd this one's from Leela, oh I just\nlove the bow! I wonder what it is!\n\n[He starts to open it. Zapp puts his arm around Leela.]\n\nZAPP\nYes I wonder what we got you.\n\n[Leela elbows him in the stomach. Kif takes the present out of\nthe box.]\n\nKIF\nIt's a basket! F-for picnics?\n\nLEELA\nIt means a lot to me. It's the basket\nmy parents left me in at the Orphanarium.\n\nHERMES\nYou could use it for picnics.\n\nMRS WONG\nHere Amy. We get this one for you.\n\n[Amy is excited.]\n\nAMY\nIs it a party board?\n\n[She opens it.]\n\nMRS WONG\nIt's a board alright! An ironing board!\n\nMR WONG\nWe had your old party board converted\nnow that you not be partying anymore.\n\nAMY\nYou, you trashed my party board?\n\nMRS WONG\nDamn right! Now you're a mom, the only\nsurfing you do is under a big wave of\nresponsibilty.\n\nKIF\nOh this is the happiest moment of my\nlife! You all brought such wonderful\ngifts! But the greatest gift...\n\nBENDER\nMine!\n\nKIF\n...is the bond I share with my smizmar\nAmy. And soon, the quivvering mass of\nlife within me will depend on us both.\nEven now I can sense it feeding, squirming,\nsearching, questing and shortly, it\nwill wren my loins into way and pull\nus down, down, down into the deep dark\nwaters of commitment.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat's so beautiful!\n\n[He dries his tears with a mouth flap.]\n\nAMY (CRYING)\nYes, yes it's......no! I can't do this!\n\n[She runs out of the room crying. Everyone gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nOh my God!\n\n[Zoidberg cries like a baby.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Mr and Mrs Wong and Zapp have left.]\n\nKIF\nOh how could Amy leave me? When will\nwomen learn to take responsibilty for\nthe children they've helped create?\nThe quickening! My time is near. I\nmust return to my homeworld to perform\nthe ancient birthing rites.\n\nSCRUFFY\nLemme know how that turns out.\n\n[He munches a biscuit.]\n\n[Amphibios 9 Jungle. The Planet Express ship lands in a jungle\narea and snaps through some vines. New ones quickly grow again,\ncovering the ship.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew, Kif and Zapp walk through the jungle.\nKif stops.]\n\nKIF\nI must now embark on a perilous journey.\nTo give birth in precisely the same\nswamp I was born.\n\nLEELA\nIf it's so dangerous I'd better go with\nyou. A gal has to protect her DNA.\n\nKIF\nNo Leela. Tradition demands that I make\nthis journey with my smizmar, and since\nAmy isn't here I must go it alone. Farewell.\nFor we may never meet again.\n\n[He walks towards the thick of the jungle but falls over.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender hack away at plants in front\nof them while Leela carries Kif.]\n\nKIF\nMy scrapes feel a little better now.\n\n[Bender sees a large blue thing.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, what's this fat ugly thing? A frog?\nA toad? Or your momma!\n\n[He laughs. The thing grabs him with it's tongue and starts to\nswallow him.]\n\nKIF\nIt's a poisonous froad! No one move.\n\n[He inflates his head. The froad screams and drops Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm back baby!\n\n[Kroker Swamp.]\n\nKIF\nBehold. The sacred ancestral birthing\ngrounds of my family.\n\n[Zapp sniffs.]\n\nZAPP\nSmells like a jockstrap.\n\n[An Amphibion rises from the middle of the swamp.]\n\nMIDWIFE\nI am the Grand Midwife.\n\nFRY\nHi!\n\nKIF\nI am Kif of the clan Kroker. I come\nto bear my young.\n\nMIDWIFE\nThen let the Tea Of New Life be brewed.\nAs it is written \"and both shall lift\nthe jug together\". Where is your smizmar?\n\nKIF\nShe's not with me.\n\nMIDWIFE\nOh the sorrow. Oh the shame. I'm sorry\nI'm probably just making you feel worse.\n\nKIF\nAs long as Amy is with me in my heart\nI will have the strength of two. Apparently\nAmy hasn't been working out much lately.\n\n[He drags it a little way.]\n\nMIDWIFE\nAs the tea boils please join hands with\nyour beloved smizmar. Oh right sorry,\nbut I memorised the ceremony by heart\nand it mentions her a lot.\n\nKIF\nI'll try to endure.\n\nMIDWIFE\nGood 'cause I'm not changing it. Now\nturn ye to and gaze deeply into each\nother's eyes.\n\n[Kif looks at Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat are you looking at?\n\nMIDWIFE\nMay the love I sense between you at\nthis moment remain with you both for\nall your days. The Tea Of New Life\nis ready. Let those who's love created\nthis life speak each other's names,\nthen drink.\n\n[Kif looks into the cup and cries.]\n\nKIF\nAmy.\n\nAMY (SHOUTING)\nKif!\n\n[Everyone looks up and gasps. Amy flies towards the swamp on\nher party/ironing board.]\n\nKIF\nAmy! Is it you or have I gone crazy\nwith lonliness?\n\nBENDER\nBoth.\n\n[Amy lands and falls off.]\n\nAMY\nI still don't know if I'm ready for\nthis but, I do know I love you. And\nI wanna be here beside you.\n\nMIDWIFE\nGreat! Now I lost my place! I'm starting\nover!\n\n[Kif's bump rumbles.]\n\nKIF\nOh no time! It has begun! Oh my!\n\n[Everyone else cringes at what is happening. Bender pulls out\na camera and takes a photo.]\n\nBENDER\nNeat!\n\nAMY\nYou can do it Kif!\n\n[Kif pushes again.]\n\nKIF\nOh nearly!\n\n[He pushes some more and eventually some spawn comes from between\nhis legs and makes a huge splash. Leela, Fry and Zapp cover their\nnoses.]\n\nBENDER\nAww man!\n\n[Some one and two eyed tadpoles hop out from the spawn and head\nfor the swamp.]\n\nKIF\nAmy my love, tell me, are they making\nit to the water?\n\n[Some snakes and flying things surround the tadpoles. Leela breaks\na huge leaf off a plant and throws it to Amy.]\n\nLEELA\nAmy!\n\n[Amy catches it and starts beating back the animals.]\n\nAMY\nShoo! Stay away from my babies!\n\n[A flying thing picks a tadpole up. Amy smacks it with the leaf\nand the tadpole falls to the ground. The rest of the animals\nturn around and the tadpoles hop into the water.]\n\nMIDWIFE\nThe birthing is complete!\n\n[Everyone cheers and gathers around Kif and Amy.]\n\nKIF\nOh thank you!\n\nMIDWIFE\nI will now take my leave. I live here\nso I won't actually be going anywhere\nbut you don't have to talk to me anymore.\n\nFRY\nCongratulations!\n\nZAPP\nNice work!\n\nBENDER\nWay to go squishy!\n\n[The tadpoles swim away.]\n\nLEELA\nThere goes my DNA. What a disgusting\nand beautiful process.\n\nFRY\nThat's birth for you.\n\nKIF\nWell we've given them a great start\nAmy. And in 20 years they'll sprout\nlegs and crawl back onto land as children.\n\nAMY\nAnd I'll be ready then.\n\n[They hug and watch their children swim around in the swamp.\nTwo leap into the air and bump their heads.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Less-Than-Hero.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 506\n\n\"LESS THAN HERO\"\n\nBy\n\nRon Weiner\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Soon To Be A Major Religion.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Leela dials the videophone and\nit connects. The SewerCom logo appears on the screen.]\n\nSEWERCOM ANNOUNCER\n(Pleasant Female Voice) Your call is\nbeing (Gruff Alien Voice) connected\n(Pleasant Female Voice) by SewerCom\n- Reach out and touch the sewers.\n\n[Leela's parents, Morris and Munda, appear on the screen.]\n\nMUNDA [ON SCREEN]\nLook Morris, it's Leela calling.\n\nLEELA\nHi Mom, hi Dad! Ready for your big trip\nto the surface?\n\nMORRIS [ON SCREEN]\nWe're excited honey but we don't wanna\nembarrass you. I mean your mother and\nI are basically monsters.\n\nLEELA\nDad, relax. You are being so mutant!\n\nMUNDA [ON SCREEN]\nI found this adorable little bag to\nwear over my head. And it was on sale!\n\nLEELA\nNo one's wearing anything adorable over\ntheir head. Now listen, I could never\never be ashamed of my parents. I'll\nsee you this weekend.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Bender and Fry have a game\nof poker at the table while Hermes and Amy relax on the sofa.\nEnter Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, guess who I just got off the videophone\nwith?\n\nBENDER\nNo.\n\nLEELA\nMy parents! They're coming up from the\nsewers for a visit Sunday.\n\n[Everyone gasps and reacts in horror.]\n\nAMY\nAre you off your rocket? Your parents\nare mutants. It's illegal for them to\ncome above ground 'cause they're inferior\ngenetic scum..uh present company excluded\nof course!\n\nLEELA\nI'm getting them a special one-day surface\npermit from Citihall.\n\nHERMES\nOoo, while you're there, could you pick\nme up a licence to kill?\n\nLEELA\nSure. Bare hands or weapon?\n\nHERMES\nUh, what does piano wire count as?\n\n[Enter Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news anyone, the Swedish robot\nfrom pi-kea is here with the supercollider\nI ordered.\n\nPI-KEA ROBOT\nEnjoy your affordable Swedish crap!\n\n[As it rolls out, one of it's wheels falls off and it's shelf\nbreaks. Fry, Leela and Bender open the box. Fry picks up the\ninstructions.]\n\nFRY\nLet's see what tools we'll need. Uh-huh,\nUh-huh, Uh-huh! Alright, we're all\nset.\n\n[Bender takes a board out of the box and puts it down.]\n\nBENDER\nNothing like the rustic wholesomeness\nof working with one's own hand.\n\n[His hand starts spinning like a circular saw and he cuts the\nboard in half.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Fry and Leela tighten the last nut with Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nAh, there, finished. And with only six\nmissing pieces!\n\nFRY\nThose Swedes sure know how to put in\nalmost everything you need.\n\n[Leela rubs her arm.]\n\nLEELA\nMan, I'm sore all over. I feel like\nI just went ten rouns with Mighty Thor.\n\n[Fry rubs his shoulder.]\n\nFRY\nI feel like I was mauled by Jesus.\n\n[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Zoidberg rummages through\na cupboard and produces a tube of ointment.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI've got just the thing, genuine miracle\ncream I bought from a travelling salesman.\n\"Come one come all,\" he said, \"Step\nright up!\" This sounds too good to be\ntrue I thought. He said I looked like\na smart young man. \"So is it a deal?\"\nI enquired. Two hours later he was gone,\nwith 60 of my dollars. But I have the\nmiracle cream...\n\n[The wall explodes and a charred Farnsworth tumbles through it\nand lands in a crumpled heap on the other side of the room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBad news nobody, the supercollider super-exploded.\nI need you to take it back and exchanged\nit for a wobbly CD rack and some of\nthose ransid meatballs.\n\n[He climbs back through the hole.]\n\n[Street. Leela and Fry tow the pi-kea box on a trolley when a\nmugger steps out in front of them with his hat covering something\nin his hand.]\n\nMUGGER\nExcuse me? Hi! Do you have a minute?\nI live in Jersey City and my car broke\ndown and I need to get back because\nmy Aunt's real sick and she needs this\nmedicine but I need money for the bus.\nSo I'm mugging you. Hand over your wallets.\n\nLEELA\nI don't believe that story for a second.\n\nMUGGER\nIt doesn't matter, I'm mugging you.\n\nFRY\nThere's no bus to Jersey City.\n\nMUGGER\nGive me your wallets now or my robot'll\nshoot.\n\n[He pulls his hat off his hand, revealing a small robot names\nAndrew with a gun.]\n\nANDREW\nDon't make me hurt you.\n\n[Fry and Leela shriek. Fry fumbles for his wallet.]\n\nFRY\nI'm too scared to find my pocket. Here,\nI'll just take of my pants and give\nyou those.\n\n[He starts to unzip them. The mugger cringes and puts his hand\nto his face.]\n\nMUGGER\nHey! I don't like what I'm seeing. Give\nit to him Andrew! Give it to him again\nAndrew! What the...? Laser proof shirts\nhuh? I'll show you.\n\n[He picks up a pipe and hits Leela with it. It harmlessly bends\nas it hits her.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat the? Hey! Quit it! Heyya!\n\n[She grabs the mugger between her legs, spins him around and\nthrows him against a wall.]\n\nMUGGER\nFoiled. And after years of planning.\n\nANDREW\nYou're outta the game!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry sits on the steps while Leela paces\naround.]\n\nLEELA\nHow did we manage to survive? What gave\nus those strange powers?\n\nFRY\nMaybe we're all wearing magic rings\nbut they're invisible rings so we don't\neven realise it. Also you can't feel\nthe rings.\n\n[Leela picks up Zoidberg's miracle cream and rubs some on her\nneck. She reads something on the tube and gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, shut up and look at this! (Reading)\nMay cause superpowers in humans!\n\nFRY\nWow! A superpowers drug you can just\nrub into your skin? You'd think it'd\nbe something you have to freebase.\n\nLEELA\nLet's see, which powers do we have?\nSuper-strength?\n\n[Fry karate chops a table in half and Leela kicks a hole in the\nwall.]\n\nFRY\nYup.\n\nLEELA\nUh-huh. Lickety speed?\n\n[The both run very fast to the other end of the hangar.]\n\nFRY\nCheck.\n\nLEELA\nYes sir! Ability to command a loyalty\nof sea creatures?\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nHey Zoidberg, get in here!\n\nLEELA\nAin't got that.\n\nFRY\nNope!\n\nLEELA\nWow, superpowers! I'll be able to pack\nmy day with twice as many humdrum activity.\n\nFRY\nLeela, I think you're missing the big\npicture. When you were a kid what was\nyour biggest fantasy?\n\nLEELA\nTo have parents.\n\nFRY\nWhatever. The correct answer is: To\nbe a superhero. We have superpowers\nand we're Americans. This is our chance.\n\nLEELA\nHmm, I have been looking for a way to\nserve the community that incorporates\nmy violence. Let's do it!\n\nFRY\nYou'll barely regret this!\n\n[Enter Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, a friend of mine said he mugged\nyou today and you had superpowers.\n\nLEELA\nIt's true. Thanks to this funky fresh\ncream.\n\nFRY\nNow me and Leela are forming an awesome\ncrime-fighting duo.\n\nBENDER\nWow, crime-fighting. Cool. You say you're\na duo? Yeah duos are good. Of course\nsometimes they're a little short handed.\nSee ya. With two humans you'd think\nthere'd be a robot in there...to balance\nthings out. But, whatever. I have these\nthree costumes you could use. But, I\nguess I'll just throw one away.\n\nLEELA\nWe'd love to have you on the team Bender.\nBut aren't you more on the supply side\nof crime?\n\nFRY\nPlus the cream won't give you superpowers,\nyou're a robot.\n\nBENDER\nSo? I'm already super-strong. And my\narms do this. Also I got this going.\n\n[His cabinet door opens and closes by itself. Fry and Leela shrug\nat each other.]\n\n[Planet Express: Roof. The trio, in their superhero garb, stand\non the roof looking across New New York.]\n\nLEELA (SHOUTING)\nListen up New New York! There's a new\ngroup of superheros in town! And we're\n-\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) Sorry! (whispering) A new\nera of justice has begun.\n\n[In a similar style to old superhero TV series', we see crime\nhappening across the city. A narrator fills us in on who is going\nto stop this crime...]\n\n[The scene changes to a backdrop with The New Justice Team's\nlogo on it. Fry bursts through it.]\n\nFRY\nCaptain Yesterday!\n\n[Leela bursts through.]\n\nLEELA\nClobberella!\n\n[Bender bursts through and pushes Leela aside.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd Superking! The best one of the three!\n\nFRY\nWow!\n\n[Scenes: Park. The New Justice Team's theme tune starts playing\nand the scene cuts to a park where Petunia is sitting on a bench\nfeeding some rats. A thief snatches her bag.]\n\nSONG\nGo Go New Justice Team,\n\n[Captain Yesterday swoops in front of the thief.]\n\n>Go team, go team, team team team,\n\n[The thief dodges him and heads for a travel tube.]\n\nWho's the newest Justice Team,\n\nThe New Justice Team!\n\n[Captain Yesterday runs along the top of the tube. The thief\nlooks up and sees him and Captain Yesterday follows him underwater.]\n\nCaptain Yesterday is fast,\n\nAlso he is from the past,\n\nNot just fast but from the past...\n\nHe runs ahead to the end of the tube.]\n\n...Captain Yesterday!\n\n[Captain Yesterday turns the tube towards a police station and\nthe thief flies out and into it. Superking takes Petunia's bag.]\n\nSuperking has the power,\n\n'Cause all the kings have all the power,\n\nAll the power of Superman,\n\nAlso he's a robot, ain't it cool?\n\nSuperking you rule!\n\n[Scenes: Street. Clobberella looks down from a rooftop and sees\nan alien's cat is stuck up a tree.]\n\nSONG\nClobberella beats you up,\n\nClobberella beats you up!\n\nWho does she beat up?\n\nYou!\n\n[Clobberella brings the cat safely down from the tree and hands\nit to the alien. The alien eats it.]\n\nClobberella!\n\n[Scenes: Rooftops. The New Justice Team jump from rooftop to\nrooftop.]\n\nSONG\nCitizens never fear,\n\nCrazy do-good freaks are here,\n\nUntil they run out of steam...\n\n[Fry and Leela fall from a rooftop into a bin.]\n\n...Miracle cream, miracle cream,\n\nGives the power to the team!\n\n[Clobberella takes the miracle cream out of her boot and she\nand Captain Yesterday rub it on themselves and spring back into\naction.]\n\nIt's effects wear off for sure,\n\nSo they just slop on some more.\n\nThe New Justice Team!\n\n[Bender lands in front of them.]\n\nBENDER\nTa-da!\n\n[Street. A crook is put into the back of a police van. Crowds\ncheer the New Justice Team.]\n\nWOMAN (SEXFULLY)\nCaptain Yesterday, I find your skintight\nhighwaters incredibly sexy! Let's get\ntogether sometime!\n\nFRY\nSure. I'm listed in the phone book so\nonce I reveal my real name to you along\nwith my home address and a copy of my\nbirth certificate -\n\n[Leela pulls him away from the woman.]\n\nLEELA\nAre you crazy?? We have to keep our\nsecret identities secret.\n\nFRY\nFrom everybody?\n\nLEELA\nEspecially from everybody.\n\nFRY\nGive several reasons why.\n\nLEELA\nFor one, superheroes cause a lot of\ncollateral damage, and we don't wanna\nget our butts sued.\n\nFRY\nOr do we...? No I guess not.\n\nLEELA\nAlso, if our identities get out, every\ncrook in the city will be after us.\nOr, God forbid, our loved ones.\n\nBENDER\nSuperking has no need for loved ones.\nHow ya doin' kid?\n\n[Mayor's Office. Mayor Poopenmeyer signs the permits for Leela.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nThere you go. Two one-day mutant surface\npasses.\n\nLEELA\nThank you Mayor Poopenmeyer.\n\n[Poopenmeyer's phone rings.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nMayor here...what's that? Horrible crime\nin the works? Ruthless villain? Citizens\nin danger? That's fantastic news! Because\nI get to summon The New Justice Team!\n\n[He presses the nose on a clown picture. Bender's antenna wobbles.\nHe clasps his hands around it.]\n\nLEELA\nShh!\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nUh, they're usually here by now.\n\nLEELA\nWell, so long. Keep in touch.\n\n[They start to leave.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nWait, stay and meet the superheroes.\nThere's three of you and three of them\nso it'll be perfect. Is this clown\non? Where are those daring crimestoppers?\n\nLEELA\nOh, I completely forgot, I left my apartment\non fire!\n\n[She leaves.]\n\nBENDER\nUh, as for me, I'm late for my LSAT's.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\nFRY\nAnd I can't take life anymore.\n\n[He runs and jumps through the window and flies back through\nanother one as Captain Yesterday. Clobberella and Superking run\nin on the other side of the room.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nClobberella! Captain Yesterday! My liege!\nYou're just in time! We've received\na tip that the Museum of Natural History\nwill be robbed tomorrow at exactly 9am.\nThe target: The priceless Quantum Gemerald!\n\nFRY\nWho's the perp?\n\n[The hologram changes.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nA dangerous villain know as The Zookeeper,\nwho commits crimes aided by a pack of\nhighly trained animals.\n\nFRY\nPack of highly. Got it!\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nHis crew includes a badger with a troubled\npast and nothing left to lose, an elephant\nwho never forgets - to kill! And a seldom\nused crab named Lucky aka Citizen Snips.\n\nLEELA\nYou can count on us Mr Mayor! Justice\naway!\n\n[She and Fry runs out with Bender gasping and puffing behind\nthem.]\n\nBENDER (GASPING)\nHold the elevator!\n\n[Planet Express: Restroom. Leela addresses an envelope to her\nparents and puts the surface passes in. Then she flushes it down\nthe toilet.]\n\nBENDER\nWe're in here too.\n\nFRY\nUh, Leela, how you gonna meet your folks\ntomorrow? We've already scheduled the\nZookeeper for a 9am foiling at the museum.\n\nLEELA\nNot a problem. I've cleverly arranged\nto meet my parents right there at the\nsame museum at 10.\n\nBENDER\n9, 10 a big fat hen. The name...Bender!\n\n[Museum Of Natural History. People go about their business in\nthe museum whilst The New Justice Team sit atop a giant ant which\nis suspended from the ceiling.]\n\nLEELA\nI can't believe the Zookeeper is this\nlate for his own heist. It's just rude!\nTotal hell! It's 10! I'm supposed to\nmeet my parents and I'm still in my\nsecret costume! There they are!\n\n[Morris and Munda look around, disappointed.]\n\nMUNDA\nHow could Leela not be here? Do you\nthink she forgot?\n\nMORRIS\nRelax. I'm sure she's just ashamed of\nus.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nYo! Freakjobs! Hit the nearest manhole!\nPronto like.\n\nMORRIS\nBut we have passes that allow us to\nbe up here. From the mayor himself.\n\n[Munda hands the passes to the security guard.]\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nI dunno...I never heard of no mayor.\n\n[Enter the Zookeeper.]\n\nRANDY\nThe Zookeeper!\n\nZOOKEEPER\nSorry I'm late, long story. Now everybody\nhit the deck! I'm cutting the entire\nline and stealing the exhibit.\n\n[The New Justice Team drop to the floor in front of him.]\n\nLEELA\nYou're not stealing anything! Nobody\nhit the deck!\n\nZOOKEEPER\nAh, superheroes! Or should I say superzeroes!\n\nFRY (SADLY)\nThat was uncalled for.\n\nZOOKEEPER\nAnimals, attack.\n\n[He blows a silent whistle and animal exhibits come to life and\nbreak out of the glass cases. They run rampage.]\n\nTOUR GUIDE\nPlease to not feed the animals!\n\n[An elephant picks her up and eats her. In a scene lifted from\nBatman The New Justice Team spring into action. A yak charges\ntowards Fry and he punches it. YAK!. Bender picks a fight with\na boxing kangaroo.]\n\nBENDER\nYou're going down my friend! Down Under!\n\n[He laughs. The kangaroo punches him. 01001010!!!]\n\nTEDDY ROOSEVELT\nMan boxing a kangaroo is a peculiar\nspectacle. But a kangaroo boxing a robot?\nNow I'm afraid you've lost me! (shouting)\nCitizen Snips!\n\n[The Zookeeper lifts a grate and pushes a snake through the hole.\nThe snake reaches into the Quantum Gemerald's case and takes\nit.]\n\nZOOKEEPER\nNice job Fingers!\n\n[He kisses it.]\n\nMUNDA\nI'm scared and confused. I think we've\nwandered into an off-Broadway play.\n\nMORRIS\nNo there are way too many people here.\n\n[The Zookeeper runs up a flight of stairs.]\n\nZOOKEEPER\nLater, if anyone asks how I got away,\ntell them right now!\n\n[Clobberella and Captain Yesterday leap in front of him.]\n\nLEELA\nForget it Zookeeper! You're going into\ncaptivity!\n\nZOOKEEPER\nFool! A quip without putting me behind\nbars would have been far more delicious!\nHere catch!\n\n[He throws the Gemerald over the side of the stairs. Fry leaps\nfor it and goes over the edge too.]\n\nLEELA\nNo, Fry you can't fall fast enough!\n\n[She runs down the stairs while the Zookeeper runs off in another\ndirection. Bender hold out his arms at the bottom of the staircase.]\n\nBENDER\nI got it I got it! I don't got it!\n\n[Leela dives in front of him and catches the Gemerald. Fry falls\non top of Bender. Everyone cheers.]\n\nTEDDY ROOSEVELT\nYou've saved the Gemerald!\n\nFRY\nYet the Zookeeper escaped. Thus proving\nthat the deadliest animal of all is\nthe Zookeeper!\n\nBENDER\nYou can get off me anytime.\n\nLEELA\nOh no! My parents are leaving! I've\ngotta go change back into street-Leela.\n\n[She turns to leave but Mayor Poopenmeyer and several photographers\nblock her path.]\n\nPOOPENMEYER\nThank you mysterious heroes. The value\nof the Gemerald you saved is slightly\ngreater than the cost of the damage\nyou caused to this museum. A net gain\nfor our great city!\n\n[The crowd cheers and Poopenmeyer kisses Bender's hand. People\ntake photographs. Leela looks around sadly.]\n\n[Outside Museum Of Natural History. Morris sets some cones out\nby a manhole.]\n\nMUNDA\nIt's good that Leela doesn't love us.\nShe'll be less sad when we die.\n\n[Morris lifts the manhole cover and helps Munda into it. He climbs\nin after her, takes the cones and replaces the cover. Leela comes\nout of the museum just as they disappear.]\n\nLEELA\nMom? Dad? I showed up! And I got the\naudio tour for Treasures Of Liberachi's\nTomb!\n\n[She looks around and sighs. She sits down on the step and cries.]\n\n[Turanga House. Leela is with her parents.]\n\nMORRIS\nSweetie, it's OK. You don't have to\napologise for standing us up on the\nonly visit to the surface we'll ever\nhave.\n\nLEELA\nI wanna tell you why I didn't show up.\nBut I can't. Just please believe me\nthat it was a very good reason. I'm\nsorry I disappointed you.\n\nMUNDA\nLeela, you could never disappoint us.\n\nMORRIS\nWe're so proud of everything that you\nare. And we always will be. You're our\nbaby girl.\n\n[They both smile.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, I can't take it! Mom, Dad, I'm Clobberella!\n\n[She rips her clothes off revealing her Clobberella outfit. Munda\ngasps.]\n\nMORRIS\nGalloping gators!\n\nMUNDA\nYou're a superhero? Well that's wonderful!\nBut did you have to make the costume\nso revealing?\n\n[Morris puts his arm around Leela.]\n\nMORRIS\nLook at me! Proud dad of a superhero!\nWe should print up T-Shirts! And F-Shirts\nfor our friends with two arms on the\nsame side!\n\nLEELA\nNo, listen. It's very important that\nyou never ever tell anyone. Under any\ncircumstance.\n\nMORRIS\nWhat if I've had a few?\n\nLEELA\nDad, you drink? No. Not even then.\n\nMORRIS\nAlright. My sucker is sealed.\n\nLEELA\nIn fact, I shouldn't even be wearing\nthis around here. It was brisk, I dressed\nin layers.\n\nMUNDA\nThat's my girl!\n\n[Lake Mutagenic. Morris, Raoul and the Leg Mutant sit in a boat\nfishing.]\n\nMORRIS\nSo uh, anyway, my daughter's Clobberella.\n\nRAOUL\nLeela is Clobberella?\n\nLEG MUTANT\nYou're pulling me!\n\nMORRIS\nShh, keep it under your sock. It's a\nbig secret. That's why I'm only telling\nyou two.\n\n[Cut to: Shore Of Lake Mutagenic. A big eared mutant and a big\nmouthed mutant overhear.]\n\nBIG EARED MUTANT\nOh my God! That guy's daughter is Clobberella!\nBut don't tell anyone.\n\nBIG MOUTHED MUTANT\nGotcha!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Bender\nsit around the table. The Zookeeper appears on the screen.]\n\n[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI don't remember much buddy, and you're\nno looker!\n\nLEELA\nUh Professor, isn't it time for your\nnap?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes dammit!\n\n[He falls asleep. His chair flies out of the room.]\n\nLEELA\nZookeeper! How did you know our real\nidentities?\n\n[He claps and a parrot lands on his shoulder.]\n\nPARROT [ON SCREEN]\nLeela told her parents. Leela's parents\nblabbed.\n\n[The Zookeeper gives it a cracker.]\n\nFRY\nLeela, is the person that parrot is\nmimicking telling the truth by proxy?\n\nLEELA (SADLY)\nYes. My parents were so hurt, I couldn't\nhelp it! (angry) But I distinctly told\nthem not to tell anyone.\n\n[Bender puts on his Superking crown.]\n\nBENDER\nWe are not amused.\n\n[He claps and gorilla comes in pulling a cage. In the cage are\nLeela's parents. Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nMom! Dad!\n\nMUNDA [ON SCREEN]\nLeela please forgive us! Especially\nyour father who's the one who told thank\nyou very much Morris.\n\nLEELA\nAre you alright? Has he hurt you?\n\nMORRIS [ON SCREEN]\nNo but my allergies are going nuts.\nOh God!\n\nMUNDA [ON SCREEN]\nEvery couch and table has animal fur\nall over it. He lets them climb on everything!\n\nLEELA\nAlright Zookeeper, what do you want?\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nMUNDA [ON SCREEN]\nSave us Leela! I mean...if you don't\nhave anything better to do.\n\n[A pirhana walks past the camera and bites it. The picture cuts\nout.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're out of options. We have to steal\nthe Gemerald!\n\nFRY\nBut, should superheroes commit crime?\nEven to save lives? I need moral guidance.\nBender?\n\nBENDER\nHmm, the thought of stealing anythig\nfills Superking with disgust. But if\nit must be so, then let a museum heist\nbe pulled!\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Area. Leela opens her locker. The miracle\ncream tube is empty. Fry picks it up.]\n\nFRY\nOh no! Our superpower cream is out of\nitself!\n\nLEELA\nCheck inside the cap! There might be\na caked in goldmine!\n\n[Fry unscrews the cap and looks inside.]\n\nFRY\nEl zilcho! I'm afraid we're boned.\n\nBENDER\nEl zilcho...is it too late to change\nmy superhero name?\n\n[Museum Of Natural History. Enter The New Justice Team.]\n\nLEELA\nJust be cool. Nobody knows we're superpowerly\nchallenged.\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nFRY\nMan, this costume is so damn heavy!\n\nKID\nHey Captain Yesterday, can I like, wail\non you with this 2x4 and it doesn't\nhurt you?\n\n[He whacks Fry.]\n\nFRY\nOwww! That...didn't hurt.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nHi superheroes, everything OK?\n\nLEELA\nBig O, little k my friend! Just checking\nif everything's alright!\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nIt's OK alright!\n\nLEELA\nOK then. Grab it!\n\n[Bender's arm extends, breaks the display case and grabs the\nGemerald. The crowd gasps.]\n\nBUBBLEGUM TATE\nYo, the superheroes have turned evil!\nMost uncool!\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nGet 'em!\n\nLEELA\nStay back! Or we'll, beat the tour out\nof you...using superpowers!\n\n[Bender makes ghostie noises.]\n\n[Cut to: Outisde Museum Of Natural History. The superheroes run\nout and down the steps.]\n\n[Zookeeper's Non-Lair.]\n\nFRY\nSo this is your lair?\n\nZOOKEEPER\nOf course not. You think I'd show you\nmy lair? My lair's a million times nicer\nthan this!\n\nFRY\nOK, take it easy!\n\nBENDER\nWell, here's your lousy Gemerald.\n\n[The Zookeeper claps.]\n\nZOOKEEPER\nHawk! Fetch!\n\n[The hawk flies off his shoulder and picks up the Gemerald.]\n\nFRY\nThat seemed unnecessary.\n\n[Enter the gorilla with Morris and Munda.]\n\nZOOKEEPER\nOur transaction is complete. Come Solomon,\nto the lair.\n\n[The gorilla picks him up and runs off down a dark passage.]\n\nLEELA\nMom, Dad, oh I'm so sorry I got you\nkidnapped by a crazy madman who tried\nto feed you to pirhanas.\n\nMUNDA\nWe're just happy to be involved in your\nlife.\n\nLEELA\nNo no, it's my fault for telling you\nI was a superhero.\n\nMORRIS\nThat's true.\n\nLEELA\nI just couldn't stand to have you to\nthink I was ashamed of you.\n\nMUNDA\nThat's OK sweetie, but, it's natural\nfor children to be a little ashamed\nof their parents.\n\nFRY\nOh yeah!\n\nMORRIS\nJust like it's natural for parents to\nbe a little disappointed in their children...n-not\nthat we are.\n\nMUNDA\nBut you could call a little more often.\n\nLEELA\nOK.\n\nMUNDA\nAnd would it kill you to use some mouthwash?\n\n[Leela hugs them.]\n\nBENDER\nHey Fry we've still got our costumes\non. Wanna steal some more stuff?\n\nFRY\nI guess, as long as you think it's right.\n\nBENDER\nSuperheroes away!\n\n[Closing Credits. Over the credits are a montage of clips from\nthe episode as well as a new version of The New Justice Team\nsong.]\n\nSONG\nGo go go New Justice Team!\n\nFighting justice is their quest!\n\nSuperking, Clobberella, and the rest!\n\nHere's to you New Justice Team,\n\nDo the things that make your team,\n\nHelp each other, do some things!\n\nWinners don't use drugs!\n\nThe New Justice Team!"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Teenage-Mutant-Leela's-Hurdles.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 507\n\n\"TEENAGE MUTANT LEELA'S HURDLES\"\n\nBy\n\nJeff Westbrook\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Now Interactive! Joystick Controls\nFry's Left Ear!]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. It is a calm and peaceful day. Suddenly\na huge gargoyle crashes through the Planet Express roof and flies\naway.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth shakes his fist.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPazuzu you ungrateful gargoyle! I put\nyou through college and this is how\nyou repay me?\n\n[Pizzuzu poos on him.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The Professor is dressed in a long coat, a scarf\nand driving goggles. He puts on some driving gloves.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLet's get this gargoyle hunt on the\nroad. Driving gloves, driving goggles.\nDriving thong. There.\n\n[He sits down in the pilot's seat.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, maybe I should drive.\n\n[Farnsworth chcukles.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou? A woman? I'm trying to catch a\nmonster not find the quickest route\nto the mall! Let me just adjust the\nseat.\n\n[He pulls a lever and the seat moves forward until his face is\npressed up against the windscreen. He starts the engine and the\nship shakes.]\n\nFRY\nMy God, he's gonna do it! Everybody,\nseatbelts to maximum buckling.\n\n[The seatbelts completely cover them. Bender takes out a nail\ngun and nails himself to the wall. The ship takes off.]\n\n[Outside Ship. The ship joins a space road flying very slowly\nand causes huge tailbacks.]\n\n[Randy pulls up alongside him.]\n\nRANDY [FROM HIS CAR]\nHey grandpa, move your wrinkly old kiester!\n\n[He drives away. Farnsworth takes a little time to react.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]\n\nLEELA\nFor heaven's gate Professor this ship\ncan do 99% light speed. Why are we going\nat 35 miles an hour?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBecause we're in a hurry that's why.\n\nLEELA\nPlus you have the highbeams on!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The highbeams point at a roadsign directing\ndrivers to the eastern half of the universe.]\n\n[Outside Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth lands the ship in the\ncar park of the Florida driving cafe and they get out.]\n\nBENDER\nYo, Captain Cateracts, what are we doing\nhere?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh it's 2:30, we can still catch the\nearly bird dinner special.\n\nFRY\nUh, aren't we looking for your gargoyle?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy wha?\n\n[Gummer's Cafeteria. Farnsworth orders.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHello Mavis! Surprised to see me back\nagain so soon?\n\nWANDA\nMavis is dead.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI expect you'll want to see my angry\ncrotchety grandpa discount card!\n\n[He hands her a card. She reads it.]\n\nWANDA\nSir this card is expired.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut it's good for a lifetime.\n\nWANDA\nWell yours expired.\n\n[Cut to: Table. Farnsworth sits down. Fry, Leela and Bender are\nalready eating. Farnsworth gets out his teeth and puts them on\nthe table. Leela covers her eyes in disbelief.]\n\nLEELA\nOh Lord! Teeth do not belong in your\npants Professor.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell I can't keep them in my mouth.\nThey're nuclear powered!\n\n[He presses a button on a remote control and the teeth start\nchomping his food. They bite Fry.]\n\nFRY\nOw! It bit me!\n\n[The teeth start chomping very quickly.]\n\nLEELA\nNo! No! It's tasted human blood!\n\n[The teeth start flying around the room, biting at people. Farnsworth\nslurps his slop through a straw.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMmm! Damn good meat!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth sits asleep at\nthe desk, snoring. Enter the crew.]\n\nLEELA\nProfessor we've talked it over and everyone\nthinks you're too old.\n\nAMY\nRight on.\n\nFRY\nYup.\n\nBENDER\nUh huh!\n\nHERMES\nWe've decided to do the merciful thing\nand have you Youthasized.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear God no!\n\nAMY\nOh relax Professor. Youthasizing is\na trendy new spa treatment, its this\nseasons shark cartilage enema.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBut I like being old. I don't have to\ntalk to my parents, no one asks me to\nhelp move their stuff, I don't need\nto understand today's \"edgy TV sitcoms.\"\n\nLEELA\nOK OK, we're not gonna force you until\nI've finished this sentence. Get him!\n\n[The crew grab Farnsworth. He screams. They carry him out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMy thong!\n\n[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Entrance. Enter a Neptunian\nwoman named Heather.]\n\nHEATHER\nHi, I'm Heather your personal Youthasizer!\nLets get started with a nice botulism\ntreatment shall we?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGo to hell Heather!\n\nHEATHER\nOh! In small doses botchelism toxin\ntightens and tones the facial muscles\ninstead of killing you in the most horrible\nfashion imaginable.\n\n[She injects it into him and his face tightens.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGive me back my floppy face!\n\n[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Massage Parlour. A pink tentacled\nthing massages Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCareful with the giblets!\n\nHEATHER\nHmm, you're still retaining a lot of\ngrump in these joints. More pressure.\n\n[It applies more pressure and Farnsworth's skin oozes off the\ntable.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAhh!\n\n[The Bubbling Geezer Hot Spring Spa Tar Pits. Heather scans Farnsworth\nwith an age scanner.]\n\nHEATHER\nSince this is such a serious case of\nold, we'll have to try our strongest\ntreatment. A soothing full body bath\nin searing hot tar. Sir, its not neccesary\nor wise to be naked.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou sound just like my tennis instructor.\n\n[He climbs into the tar.]\n\nHEATHER\nThe tar blisters the age right out of\nthe body in what top scientists suspect\nis a miracle.\n\n[She pumps more tar into the bath. Farnsworth gets up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh I don't have time for this. I have\nto go and buy a single piece of fruit\nwith a coupon and then return it, making\npeople wait behind me while I complain.\n\nFRY\nHe still sounds sorta old. Sorta real\nold.\n\n[Bender pushes Heather away from the pump and rolls up his sleeves.]\n\nBENDER\nStep aside lady. Like everything else\nin life, pumping is just a primative\ndegenerate form of bending. (mean voice)\nC'mon Bender pump harder! Harder! (weak\nvoice) I'm trying as hard as I can.\n(mean voice) Harder damn you!\n\n[The ground beneath the crew starts to crack and the tar and\nFarnsworth fly into the air. The ground gives way and the crew\nslide into the pit. The tar lands back on top of them and covers\nthem. They climb out as blackened figures. Farnsworth takes a\ntowel from Heather and wipes the tar away. He now has a full\nhead of hair and his wrinkles are gone.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell that was an utter waste of time.\n\n[The crew gasp.]\n\nAMY\nProfessor it worked! You look young\nenough to be my father!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nPoodlespit! 53 years old? Now I'll\nneed a fake ID to rent ultra-porn.\n\n[Fry talks but his voice is strangely squeaky.]\n\nFRY\nThis is great Professor! We should go\nout and celebrate!\n\n[He wipes the tar away from his face. He is younger. Heather\nscans him. He is 14. The entire crew is younger. Amy is fat and\nHermes has an afro.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear Lord, you've all reverted to your\nchildhood forms!\n\n[Zoidberg is very small and crawls along the ground.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nHooray! I'm a teenage hearthrob again!\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhile I try to restore our normal ages,\nI expect you all to go about your jobs\nlike normal professionals.\n\n[Someone fires a spit ball at him. They laugh.]\n\nHERMES\nIt wasn't me Mr F, it was Amy! Stop\nit Amy!\n\nAMY\nYou stink!\n\n[She feebly hits him.]\n\nHERMES\nYou know you did it!\n\n[The kids start arguing.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nQuiet! Quiet I say!\n\n[He presses a button and a holographic mushroom cloud appears\nin the middle of the table. Enter LaBarbara and Dwight.]\n\nLABARBARA\nWe're here to take my little stub of\na husband home. Hermes, say goodbye\nto Mr Farnsworth.\n\nHERMES\nGoodbye Mr Dumbsworth!\n\n[He and Dwight laugh.]\n\nLEELA\nHey, this my chance to spend time with\nmy parents too!\n\nFRY\nBut your parents are gross sewer mutants.\n\n[A huge spit ball hits him and knocks him off his chair. Bender\nlaughs.]\n\nLEELA\nWhen I was an orphan I always wished\nI could grow up with my mom and dad.\nAnd now, thanks to being hurled backwards\nthrough time -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's not what happened! Shut up and\ngo live with your parents.\n\n[Outside Planet Express. Leela walks out of the building with\na backpack and opens a manhole cover. She climbs down the ladder.]\n\n[Cut to: Sewer. She climbs down.]\n\n[Turanga House: Living Room. Leela is with her parents.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's gonna be totally awesome mom! You\nand me can bake and argue about my hairstyle\nhiding my pretty face. And if some kid\npicks on me, my dad can beat up his\ndad.\n\nMORRIS\nCan't I just beat up the kid?\n\n[He chuckles.]\n\nMUNDA\nWell OK Leela, if you think you can\nput up with your father, welcome home.\nWe'll try to respect your independence\nand your freedom.\n\nLEELA\nNo! I want the real teen experience!\nChores, curfew, the works!\n\nMORRIS\nFine Leela we'll be the strictest parents\never. Now, lets all have some tequila\nto celebrate!\n\nLEELA\nDad I'm underage!\n\nMORRIS\nOh right. Here's a silly straw.\n\n[He puts the straw in the bottle.]\n\n[Wong Ranch: Amy's Bedroom. Amy sits in bed. Leo and Inez sit\non the end.]\n\nMRS WONG\nOh my Amy's sweet little girl again.\nThis like a mother's dream. Bad dream\nthat is! At this rate I'm never going\nto get a grandchild!\n\nMR WONG\nMaybe she not grown up but she sure\ngrown out! She fat!\n\nAMY\nDad, if you're gonna make fat jokes\nuntil I get cute again I'm just gonna\nstay in my room.\n\nMR WONG\nStay in room? You so fat you gonna stay\nall around room!\n\n[He chuckles.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI've got to find a way to escape the\nhorrible ravages of youth! Suddenly\nI'm going to the bathroom like clockwork\nevery three hours! And those jerks at\nsocial security stopped sending me cheques!\nNow I have to pay them!\n\nBENDER\nI'm tired of your yapping. All you\never do is complain, you never try to\nmake things better. Well I'm running\naway from this dead end family! I know\nthere's a place for people like me with\nnew ideas. There has to be!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFine, get going!\n\nBENDER\nOh I'm going! You're gonna be all \"Where's\nBender? I miss Bender!\"\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe won't know that until you leave.\n\nBENDER\nOh, I'm leaving!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere's the door.\n\n[Bender thinks for a moment.]\n\nBENDER\nI'll be good.\n\n[Turanga House: Living Room. Munda sweeps white flakes off the\nsofa.]\n\nMUNDA\nAh, do you have to shed your skin on\nthe couch? What do we live in, a zoo?\n\n[The doorbell rings.]\n\nMORRIS\nI'm getting the doorbell. For me?\n\n[He chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nOh, hello sir. It's a lovely evening\nyou have tonight. Um I'm here to pick\nup your daughter.\n\n[Leela comes down the stairs wearing a dress. She has a bow in\nher hair.]\n\nLEELA\nHi Fry! I like your blazer.\n\nFRY\nThanks. These aren't pockets they're\njust flaps. I put my money in my sock.\n\n[They laugh.]\n\nMUNDA\nSo, where are you taking my daughter\ntonight?\n\nFRY\nA movie. A movie ma'am.\n\n[He winks at Leela and she smiles.]\n\nMORRIS\nWell whatever you're really doing, don't\nwake us if you get in after 12.\n\nLEELA\nDad, you're being too leaneant again!\nI have to be back by 11.\n\nMUNDA\nOK OK you're the boss!\n\nLEELA\nNo I'm not!\n\n[Outside Stenchy's. At the mutant cafe Fry and Leela sit in a\ncar looking at the menus.]\n\nFRY\nI'd like a sewer burger but without\nthe rat feces.\n\nLEELA\nWhat are you on a diet?\n\n[A car pulls up beside them with a guy with moose antlers in\nhis head and a girl with eyes on stalks.]\n\nMOOSE\nUh Leela you look hot!\n\nMANDY\nJeez Moose, just dump me right in front\nof her why don't you!\n\nLEELA\nMoose, Mandy, this is my friend Fry\n- from the surface!\n\nMANDY\nOh so this is the famous Fry! What is\nhe like the biggest loser on the surface\nso he has to hang out in the sewer?\n\nFRY (WHISPERING)\nThey're onto me.\n\nLEELA\nHey come on, let's act like grown ups\nhere! Wanna race?\n\nMOOSE\nUh yeah!\n\n[They pulls away from Stenchy's and start racing through the\nsewer tunnels. Fry and Leela are lagging behind. Fry shuffles\nup to Leela and tries to put his arm around her but the car jerks\nand he falls over.]\n\n[Cut to: Sewage Treatment Plant. Sal puts something in the tanks.]\n\nSAL\nTheres. The worlds drinkings water is\nsafes for another days. Whoas! Cripe!\n\n[Cut to: Sewers. The cars scrape the sides of the tunnel and\nmake sparks. Leela comes alongside Moose. They come to an open\narea of the sewer and a huge tapeworm comes out of the water.]\n\nLEELA\nA tapeworm!\n\n[She and Fry scream and head off down a different tunnel to Moose\nand Mandy.]\n\nFRY\nWe missed the turn, we'll never catch\nthem.\n\nLEELA\nYes we will. This sewer goes right under\nPlanet Express and its's 9pm!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The toilet flushes.]\n\n[Cut to: Sewer. Sewer water floods in behind Fry and Leela and\nthe wave pushes them faster. Fry screams. At the finish line\nMoose and Mandy are just about to cross it when Fry and Leela\nfly through and cut the tape first. The crowd and Fry and Leela\ncheer.]\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\nLEELA\nAll right!\n\n[The car keeps going.]\n\nFRY\nLeela you can stop winning now, we won!\n\nLEELA\nI'm too short to reach the handbrake!\n\n[The car crashes into the school.]\n\n[Cut to: Classroom. Dwayne sits at a desk in amongst the rubble\nand turns to Leela.]\n\nDWAYNE\nThat's detention!\n\n[Planet Express: Room. Fry recounts his story to Bender.]\n\nFRY\nAnd then, and then, this giant tapeworm\ntried to play us for chumps but we like\ntotally dissed Moose!\n\n[Farnsworth strokes the antlers of a moose on the wall.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, I'd like to meet this \"moose.\"\nBut in the meantime I have good news.\nI may have solved our age problem.\n\nFRY\nYay!\n\n[Farnsworth presses a button and a holographic strand of DNA\nappears.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt seems the Youthasizer tar was saturated\nwith time-altering chronitons. A thin\nlayer is still stuck to our DNA as well\nas Bender's Robot DNA or \"RNA.\"\n\nBENDER\nQuestion.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes?\n\nBENDER\nYou stink!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes yes. Anyhow I've designed an oil\neating bacterium that should take the\ntar right off.\n\nFRY\nC'mon! Lets go tell Leela so we can\ngrow up together!\n\n[Bender makes kissy smoochy noise. Fry frowns.]\n\n[Turanga House: Living Room.]\n\nLEELA\nThanks Professor but I don't want the\ntreatment.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't you understand you little nitwit?\nUnless you're treated soon, the only\nway to restore your true age would be\nto grow into it! Just as God intended.\n\nMUNDA\nHe has a point honey. What about your\njob and your friends? Do you really\nwant to abandon your old life?\n\nLEELA\nMy old life wasn't as glamourous as\nmy webpage made it look. All I ever\nwanted was to grow up here. With you.\nPlease?\n\nMUNDA\nWell if it's what you really want.\n\nLEELA\nIt is. I know it is.\n\n[Fry looks down sadly.]\n\nFRY\nI'll miss you Leela. I'll come ack and\nvisit when I'm all grown up.\n\nLEELA (WHISPERING)\nBring beer.\n\nMORRIS\nNo beer 'til you finish your tequila!\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. The Professor has set up a huge green\nchamber.]\n\n[Everyone cheers and runs in.]\n\nAMY\nLet's go!\n\n[Farnsworth closes the door.]\n\n[Cut to: Bacterial Spew Chamber.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nInitiating controlled infection.\n\n[He pulls a switch and the spew chamber coughs. The room fills\nwith a cloud.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm no doctor but this machine guy could\nuse a lozenge.\n\n[The cloud clears. The crew are even younger.]\n\nAMY\nAw poo! We're even younger!\n\n[Farnsworth scans himself. 37.5. 37.4. 37.3. He is still decreasing\nin age.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDamn! the bacteria pigged out on the\ntar and now they're getting freaky deaky,\nspreading chronitons throughout our\nsystems. We're getting younger by the\nminute!\n\n[The crew gasp.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat I'm going to revrt through all\nmy larval stages?\n\n[He changes shape.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWord! We'll all keep getting younger\nand younger until we suffer a fate worse\nthan death - pre-life! Then death.\n\n[Zoidberg reverts to a shell.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth Lab. Farnsworth scans Amy with the\nscanner. She is about 8.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI've got to stop this reverse aging\nbefore we all shrivel up and suffer\nthe agony of unbirth. Think you disco\nduck think!\n\nAMY\nWhat's that squirming under your shirt?\n\n[Farnsworth opens his shirt. Zoidberg has reverted to a lamprey\nand is attached to his chest.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGet off me you parasitic lamprey!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOh sure like you need all your blood.\n\n[Farnsworth knocks him off and he woops around the floor. The\nkids scream.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWould you all chill! I can't think with\nyou kids cramping my style! Oh I need\na babysitter!\n\n[Turanga House: Leela's Bedroom. Leela is the kids' new babysitter.\nThey jump up and down on the bed.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, quiet time. I know, everyone pretend\nto THING TO CHECK your tongue and I'll\nread you a story.\n\n[Zoidberg is on the floor and has turned into a spiky thing.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI can't see from down here I can't.\n\n[Leela sticks him to the wall.]\n\nLEELA\nThere. Todays story is from New Teen\nmagazine. What would you rather hear\nabout? Four legged Chachi or tentacled\nChachi?\n\nFRY\nI wanna hear a space story!\n\n[He holds up a book called A Child's Garden Of Space Legends.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's kind of a baby book. But OK. Let's\nsee. Snow White Dwarf And The Seven\nRed Dwarves, Charlotte's Tholian Web,\nThe Fountain Of Aging.\n\n[She closes the book and gasps.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Leela talks to Farnsworth\non the videophone.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe Fountain Of Aging? Hmm, it is just\na legend. Still, they called the Tooth\nFairy a legend and now it's head of\nthe FBI.\n\n[Turanga House: Living Room. Farnsworth - now de-aged even more\n- knocks on the door. Morris answers.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSup? Kids ready?\n\n[The kids run out screaming. Fry hugs Farnsworth's leg.]\n\nFRY\nProfessy's back! Eww, you smell like\nsmoking. And drinking.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI had a few beers but I'm cool to drive.\n\nLEELA\nI wish I could come with you to say\ngoodbye, before you all turn back in\nto grown ups but I'm grounded for knocking\nthe school over.\n\nMUNDA\nWho cares Leela? It was just a public\nschool. Now go with your friends, please.\n\nLEELA\nNo! A grounded teenager must be confined\nto her room!\n\n[Outside Turanga House. Leela opens her bedroom window and starts\nclimbing out.]\n\nLEELA\n...until she sneaks out!\n\n[She climbs out and starts up the ladder after the others.]\n\nBENDER\nWhen I grow up I wanna be a steam shovel!\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The kids - now even younger - have disassembled\nBender and are playing with his pieces. A geeky looking Professor\nflies the ship. Leela reads the book.]\n\nLEELA\nAccording to this, the fountain is located\nwithin the darkest, most ancient region\nof space, just past teddybear junction.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTeddybear junction, the worst scum hole\nin the galaxy.\n\n[Time Lapse. The ship flies into a solar system full of old planets.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis solar system is like way old.\n\nLEELA\nLook how high the asteroid belt is pulled\nup on that planet.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNewsflash! Everything's getting older\nthe closer we get to that sun!\n\nLEELA\nDude, the Fountain Of Aging must be\non the sun itself!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nShut up! I was gonna say that!\n\n[The ship lands next to a swirling blue whirlpool - The Fountain\nOf Aging.]\n\n[Outside Ship. Leela wheels the kids off the cargo ramp in a\ntrolley. They are really young.]\n\nLEELA\nWe've got to hurry. The kids have only\none change of pants!\n\n[Farnsworth puts Zoidberg at the side of the fountain.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe gotta be real real careful to stay\nin just long enough to make us our right\nages again.\n\n[Zoidberg falls in and rapidly ages.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nZoidberg! Get out of there!\n\nZOIDBERG\nThe current, its too much already! Help!\n\n[Zoidberg gets closer to the surface, turns grey, cracks, breaks\nup and dies like that bloke in Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade.\nThe babies cry.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nJeepers!\n\nLEELA\nZoidberg is dead!\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo! Zoidberg's brother is dead! funny\nstory. I just reverted to the age where\nmy siblings budded from me and my brother\nNorman split off and jumped in the fountain.\n\nSIBLING\nHe always had to be the centre of attention!\n\n[The other siblings agree.]\n\nLEELA\nOh no! Quick! Get them into the fountain!\n\n[Farnsworth gathers them up and goes down the steps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThanks for the help Weewa. Once we're\ngwown up you can go back to your famiwy.\nWe'wl never bother you again.\n\nLEELA\nYou can bother me a little.\n\n[Farnsworth climbs in and they age rapidly.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIt's working! Hooray! I can't hold\non!\n\n[He lets go and the whirlpool catches him.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm coming in after you!\n\n[She ties a baby blanket around her waist.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo Leela! You can't give up your childhood!\nYou'll never have another chance at\nit!\n\n[Leela thinks about it then jumps in. she reaches out to Fry\nand grabs his hand. the others grab on to him. they climb out\nat the side, their ages fully restored.]\n\nFRY\nWe did it! We're the right ages again!\n\nLEELA\nI think I might be a couple years younger.\n\nAMY\nOh, me too!\n\n[She winks at Leela.]\n\nLEELA\nHe's too far out! We can't reach him!\n\nHERMES\nAre you back to your original age Professor?\n\n[Farnsworth scans himself.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nEven older! Huzzah!\n\n[He cheers and his bones break.]\n\nFRY\nI'm sorry you had to give up being a\nkid Leela.\n\nLEELA\nWell, I guess ever adult wants to be\na kid sometimes. But I worked hard to\nbe the person I am!\n\nFRY\nThe fabulous person!\n\nLEELA\nWith friends like you guys -\n\nFRY\nFabulous friends!\n\n[He hugs her and Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nAnd I'm really happy I have that life\nback.\n\n[Farnsworth pats the gargoyle.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd you my faithful fiend! How can I\never repay you?\n\n[Cut to: Paris. the gargoyles sit on the roof of Notre Dame.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Why-Of-Fry.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 508\n\n\"THE WHY OF FRY\"\n\nBy\n\nDavid X. Cohen\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Dancing Space Potatoes? You Bet!]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zoidberg is sitting in a bathtub\nwhile Amy is sat at the table reading a book called Martians\nAre From Mars, Venusians Are From Venus. Enter Fry wearing a\nspacesuit.]\n\nFRY\nDelivery boy Philip J. Fry reporting\nfor duty.\n\nZOIDBERG\nDr Zoidberg, soaking in brine.\n\n[He relaxes and blows brine through his blowhole. It splatters\non Amy who barely reacts.]\n\nFRY\nWhat is the meaning of this? We've got\na delivery people, let's move, let's\nmove! Amy? Mission profile? Interesting,\ninteresting. Dr Zoidberg, mission bag?\n\nZOIDBERG\nPacked and ready sir.\n\n[Fry takes the brown bag from him. Fry takes something out.]\n\nFRY\nWhat's this? This is the same toy surprise\nI got last time! I can't work under\nthese conditions. And without me there\nis no mission. I am the mission!\n\n[The ship lands behind him and Bender and Leela walk out.]\n\nLEELA (SHOUTING)\nWe're back from the mission!\n\nFRY\nWh-what? You went without me?\n\nBENDER (SHOUTING)\nYou were looking up curse words in the\ndictionary. It seemed like a better\nuse of your time.\n\nFRY\nBut, but I'm the delivery boy.\n\nLEELA\nDon't worry, everything went fine.\n\nBENDER\nBetter than usual!\n\nLEELA\nWe got medals! Good work team! We really\npulled together on this one.\n\nBENDER\nWoo-hoo!\n\n[He and Leela bump each other. Fry looks on sadly.]\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Area. Leela blow dries her hair and Bender\nbrushes his eyes with a toothbrush. Fry sits on the bench sadly.]\n\nFRY\nI'm real sorry I missed the mission.\nI wasn't there and you might have needed\nme.\n\nBENDER\nNope.\n\nFRY\nBut if I'd been there I -\n\nBENDER\nNope.\n\nFRY\nL -\n\nBENDER\nNope.\n\nFRY\nBender's great.\n\nBENDER\nNope! Ohh!\n\nFRY\nListen Leela, let me make it up by taking\nyou out to dinner tonight.\n\nLEELA\nNope. I've got a date with Chaz.\n\nFRY\nChaz?\n\nLEELA\nI met him at that charity cock fight\nlast week. He's the mayor's aide.\n\nBENDER\nOoo, you go mutant girl!\n\n[He whips her with his towel.]\n\nLEELA\nI do go! He's a very important man.\n\nFRY\nSo? I'm just as important as him. It's\njust that, the kind of importance I\nhave, it doesn't matter if I...don't\ndo it.\n\n[He slopes over sadly. Bender hangs his towel over him.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender and Fry sit on the couch. Fry\nsighs and strokes Nibbler.]\n\nFRY\nI'm nobody. There are guys in the background\nwith Mary Worth comics who are more\nimportant than me.\n\nBENDER\nAh, buck up meatloaf. Bender'll take\nyou out tonight and cheer you up. What\ndo you wanna do? And I mean anything.\nYou have the power! Name it an I'm there,\nyou the man!\n\nFRY\nUm, OK. Let's go bowling.\n\nBENDER\nNah.\n\n[He puts his feet up and turns the TV on.]\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine Entrance. Enter Leela and her date Chaz.\nEnter Elzar.]\n\nELZAR\nTable for two? Step right this way.\n\nCHAZ\nI'm afraid we don't have a reservation\nbut uh, as you can see......I'm the\nmayor's aide. Table for two please.\n\n[Elzar stares, confused.]\n\nELZAR\nOK then.\n\n[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine Restaurant. Elzar seats Chaz and\nLeela. Two chef's run out from the kitchen chasing a cockroach.\nIt runs onto a table and Elzar whacks it with a piece of bread.]\n\nELZAR\nBam!\n\nCHAZ\nIt's OK my man. I got you covered on\nyour next health inspection.\n\nELZAR\nI really appreciate that mister mayor's\naide. Here you go, compliments of the\nhouse.\n\nLEELA\nWow, free bread at a restaurant? Is\nthere anything you can't do?\n\nCHAZ\nI can't fail the mayor, not ever.\n\n[Leela sighs, lovestruck.]\n\n[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry sits at a table, lonely. He sees Leela\nand Chaz walk in.]\n\nFRY\nOh jeez, better not let Leela see me.\n\nLEELA\nHey, I hear Fry. Boy am I glad you're\nhere!\n\nFRY\nYou are? So things aren't working out\nwith whatshisname?\n\nLEELA\nActually...they are! Confidentially,\nI might not make it back to my apartment\ntonight! Could you walk Nibbler for\nme?\n\n[She hands him her key.]\n\nFRY\nUm..uh...\n\nLEELA\nAnd bring a baggy in case he drops a\nsteamer. (shouting) Have a great night!\n\n[Street. Fry walks down the empty street with Nibbler. Nibbler\nspies a lamppost and starts sniffing around it.]\n\nFRY\nOh no, please, no! Perfect!\n\n[Fry puts the bag over his hand and tries to lift the dark matter.\nHe struggles. Smitty and URL approach him.]\n\nSMITTY\nWhoa, smells like a 289 in progress!\n\nURL\nFailure to scoop, aw yeah!\n\n[He prints off a ticket.]\n\nFRY\nWait, I'm trying. It weighs as much\nas a thousand suns!\n\n[He struggles with it some more. URL hands him the ticket. Chaz's\ncar pulls up beside them.]\n\nCHAZ\nDon't worry Fry, I'll pull some strings.\nSee if I can't get you tried as a juvenile!\n\nLEELA\nOh Chaz!\n\n[She hugs him and they drive off. Fry sighs.]\n\n[Alley.]\n\nFRY\nI'm as worthless as this trashcan.\n\n[He kicks it over and sits down against a wall.]\n\nTRASHCAN\nYou think I'm as worthless as you? Try\ncatching garbage in your head and raising\nsix kids you dumb townie!\n\n[It rolls away. Garbage falls on Fry from a chute above him.]\n\nFRY\nOh Nibbler, at least I'm important to\nyou. Even if it's only 'cause I clean\nup you poop.\n\nNIBBLER\nThe poop eradication is but one aspect\nof your importance.\n\n[Fry nods then realises Nibbler has just spoken. He screams.]\n\nFRY\nD-d-did you just talk?\n\nNIBBLER\nIndeed. And I have other amazing powers\nas well.\n\nFRY\nLike what?\n\n[He punches Fry and knocks him unconcious.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Nibbler pulls his spaceship out from its hideaway\nand drags the still unconcious Fry into it. He comes around.]\n\nFRY\nAre you my mommy?\n\nNIBBLER\nNegative.\n\n[He closes the roof and takes off.]\n\n[Planet Eternium. Nibbler lands his ship outside the Hall Of\nEternity.]\n\n[Cut to: Hall Of Eternity.]\n\nFIONA\nWelcome Lord Nibbler.\n\nNIBBLER\nWelcome acknowledged. I bring with me...the\nMighty One.\n\n[Fry wipes his nose on his sleeve.]\n\nFRY\nEh?\n\nKEN\nAt last, our centuries upon centuries\nof waiting have achieved fruition.\n\nFRY\nAww, aren't you a fuzzy wittle guy?\n\n[He tickles Ken and he purrs.]\n\nKEN\nStop that! Uh...please. Your mightiness\n-\n\nFRY\nMightiness? Are you off your nut? I\njust got kidnapped by a bunch of guineapigs.\n\n[The Nibblonians gasp and chatter.]\n\nKEN\nDoes he not know?\n\nNIBBLER\nHe does not know.\n\nFIONA\nHe knows not?\n\nNIBBLER\nKnows not does he.\n\nNIBBLONIAN\nNot he knows?\n\nKEN\nEnough! Fry, it is my duty to inform\nyou that the fate of humanity, the fate\nof our race, indeed the fate of all\nthat exists and all that will exist\nrests with you. You are the single most\nimportant person in the universe.\n\nFRY\nOh snap!\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nNIBBLER\nOn this auspicious occasion, let the\nHall Of Eternity cut a thunderous blast.\n\n[A Nibblonian feebly blows a trumpet. The floor opens and animals\non plates rise up in front of the Nibblonians.]\n\nFIONA\nThe Feast Of A Thousand Beasts is begun.\n\n[They tuck in. Fry leaves his zebra.]\n\nNIBBLONIAN\nYou gonna eat that?\n\nFRY\nMaybe later.\n\n[The table sinks back into the floor.]\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nKEN\nThe time has come to discuss matters\nof the gravest importance.\n\n[He pushes a button and images of the Brainspawn from The Day\nThe Earth Stood Stupid appear on a screen.]\n\nNIBBLER\nFry, do you remember some months ago\nwhen the Earth was attacked by flying\nbrains?\n\nFRY\nHmm, I remember the square dancing stomachs,\nalthough that might have been a milanta\ncommerical. Wait! The brains! I do remember!\nBut no one else does. They said I was\ncrazy.\n\nKEN\nOn the contrary. You remember beause\nyou were the only one immune to the\nbrain's mental attack.\n\nFRY\nBecause I'm so smart?\n\n[The Nibblonians laugh.]\n\nKEN\nOh my. Anyway, your immunity is due\nto the fact that you lack the delta\nbrainwave. It's a genetic abnormality\nwhich resulted when you went back in\ntime and performed certain actions which\nmade you your own grandfather.\n\nFRY\nI did do the nasty in the pasty!\n\nNIBBLER\nVerily. And that past nastification\nis what shields you from the brains.\nYou are the last hope of the universe.\n\nFRY\nSo I really am important? How I feel\nwhen I'm drunk is correct?\n\nKEN\nYes. Except the Dave Matthews Band doesn't\nrock.\n\n[Nibblonian Spacecraft.]\n\nKEN\nFor a thousand years, the evil brains\nhave been constructing the giant Infosphere,\na giant memory bank twice the size of\nthree ordinary memory banks.\n\nFRY\nWhat's so evil about that?\n\nFIONA\nThey plan to collect all the information\nin the universe and store it in the\nsphere.\n\nFRY\nSo they're trying to learn things?\n\nFIONA\nRight.\n\nFRY\nThose bastards!\n\nNIBBLER\nBeing brains, they feel compelled to\nknow everything. And soon they will.\n\nFRY\nI'm as mad as I've ever been.\n\nKEN\nOnce their task is complete, they will\nensure no new information arises in\nthe only way possible: by destroying\nthe universe.\n\nFRY\nNow it's personal.\n\nFIONA\nYour mission is to infiltrate the Infosphere\nand plant this quantum-interphase bomb,\nblasting them into an alternate universe,\nfrom which there is no return.\n\nNIBBLER\nThen outrun the blast on this Scooty-Puff\nJr.\n\n[He winds the key in the back of the Scooty-Puff Jr. Fiona attaches\nthe bomb to Fry's spacesuit.]\n\nFRY\nOK, let's go through this once more\n-\n\n[The Nibblonians open the airlock and Fry is blown out into space.\nFry screams. He rides the Scooty-Puff Jr towards the Infosphere.\nA swarm of brainsspawn fly past him and one hits him on the head.]\n\nFRY\nAah! Brains!\n\n[Ken appears on Fry's arm communicator.]\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nFear not Mighty One, your missing brainwave\nmakes you invisible to them. So long\nas you avoid intense thinking.\n\nFRY\nSorry, what? I wasn't paying attention.\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nThat is most wise.\n\nFRY\nWho?\n\n[Cut to: Outside Infosphere.]\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nIn a few seconds the brains will finish\nscanning the last bits of information\nin the universe.\n\n[Brains float past a data port and it scans their information.]\n\n[The scanning ends and the Infosphere initiates a self-scan.]\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nNow the Infosphere will open it's protective\ncrust so as to scan itself, completing\nit's thousand year task.\n\n[The Infosphere opens and a scanner comes out. It slowing begins\nto rotate around the Infosphere, scanning as it goes and making\na noise like a connecting modem.]\n\nFIONA [ON SCREEN]\nThis is your one chance to enter the\nsphere! Scoot! Scoot now!\n\n[Fry scoots through the Infosphere's crust.]\n\n[Cut to: Infosphere. The place is swarming with brains and in\nthe centre of the sphere is a huge master brain. Fry scoots towards\nit and crashes into it. He climbs to the top where there is a\ncomputer console.]\n\nFRY\nI'm at the input console. I'm a little\nnervous and I've got brain in my buttcrack.\n\nNIBBLER [ON SCREEN]\nRoger.\n\n[Fry attaches the bomb to the console.]\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nOnce you press the detonator, you will\nhave 60 seconds for an exciting escape.\n\n[Fry is about to push the button but hesitates.]\n\nFRY\nHey wait, this brain knows everything\nabout everything right?\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nIt will soon. That's why you're supposed\nto be setting off a bomb.\n\nFRY\nYeah yeah, but I can't pass up a chance\nto learn the answers to the greatest\nquestions of all time. Is it true that\npost-it stamp glue is made up of -\n\nINFOSPHERE BRAIN\nCorrect. Toad mucus.\n\n[On the console screen is a video clip of a postman squeezing\na toad so it's mucus drips into a bucket.]\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nThere's no time for this. Activate the\nbomb.\n\nFRY\nWait wait wait. What really killed\nthe dinosaurs?\n\nINFOSPHERE BRAIN\nMe!\n\n[On the screen is a video clips of the brain flying over the\ndinosaurs and killing them. A message appears on the screen and\na computer voice speaks.]\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nUnauthorised Data Access.\n\n[An alarm goes off and brains surround Fry. Fry screams and starts\nto wind his Scooty-Puff Jr. It falls apart in his hands.]\n\nFRY\nUh oh.\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nDetecting trace amounts of mental activity.\nPossibly a dead weasel or a cartoon\nviewer.\n\n[The brains zap Fry.]\n\nFRY\nEww gross. Cut it out!\n\nBRAIN #1\nOdd. He is immune to our sionic attack.\n\nBRAIN #2\nImpossible. We're an ambitious young\nsquad with everything to prove.\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nIt appears we are in the presence of\nthe fabled one. But without his Scooty-Puff\nJr, he cannot escape. Huh?\n\nBRAIN #2\nA quantum-interphase bomb? Are you insane\nin the membrane?\n\nFRY\nYou got it poindexter!\n\n[He activates the bomb.]\n\nBRAIN #1\nOh, not good!\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nDetonation in T-60 Earth seconds.\n\nBRAIN #3\nYou fool. You'll be transported to the\nother universe with us. Trapped there\nfor all eternity.\n\nBRAIN #1\nAnd we'll form a tightly-knit clique,\nthat you won't be part of!\n\nFRY\nWell at least I did one important thing\nwith my life. Leading good to victory\nover evil!\n\n[The Nibblonians cheer.]\n\nKEN [ON SCREEN]\nExactly!\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nThe Nibblonians? Good? During your last\nmoments in this universe perhaps you\nshould query our database concerning\nthe night of December 31st 1999.\n\nFRY\nThe day I got frozen? What about it?\n\nNIBBLER [ON SCREEN]\nNo! Don't ask about that! It, it would\nbe uh...boring!\n\nFRY\nEh forget it then.\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nQuery!\n\nFRY\nOK sheesh! What happened to me, Philip\nJ. Fry, on the night of December 31st\n1999?\n\nINFOSPHERE BRAIN\nClarification request. Are you the Philip\nJ. Fry from Earth or the Philip J. Fry\nfrom Hovering Squidworld 97A?\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nEarth you fat idiot! Hurry up!\n\n[On the console's screen Fry walks into the cryogenics lab.]\n\nFRY [ON SCREEN]\nHello? Pizza delivery for uh...I. C.\nWiener? Aw crud!\n\nFRY\nEurgh! I can't believe how fat I look!\nAw, Nibbler's there. Wait! What?!\n\n[On the screen Nibbler blows Fry's tilting chair. Fry begins\nto lose his balance and the chair tips back. Fry rolls back into\nthe cryo-freezer.]\n\nFRY [ON SCREEN]\nWhat the?\n\n[He panics. The cryo-freezer freezes him in a flash.]\n\nFRY\nI, I don't understand. You made me go\nin the freezer tube?\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nDetonation in T-15 seconds.\n\nFRY\nYou little runts froze me! You took\naway my life!\n\nNIBBLER [ON SCREEN]\nWe can explain!\n\nFRY\nNo you can't. Shut your adorable trap!\n\nNIBBLER [ON SCREEN]\nWe had no choice. You were the only\none who could help us. What is one life\nweighed against the entire universe?\n\nFRY (CRYING)\nBut it was my life.\n\nCOMPUTER VOICE\nDetonation in 2, 1. Will the owner of\na white Pontiac Firebird...oh nevermind.\nZero!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Infosphere. The bomb explodes and the Infosphere\nis sucked into the alternate universe.]\n\n[Cut to: Infosphere. It reappears in the alternate universe.]\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nWell, here we are. Trapped for eternity.\n\nBRAIN #2\nWe could sing American Pie.\n\nFRY\nGo ahead. I deserve it. I wish those\nstupid racoons had never brought me\nto the future.\n\nINFOSPHERE BRAIN\nI have shocking data relevant to this\nconversation.\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nWe don't care you dope! We're in another\nuniverse, you're not in charge anymore.\n\nINFOSPHERE BRAIN\nIt is possible for the Philip Fry to\nresume his life on December 31st 1999.\n\nFRY\nReally? I can go back in time?\n\n[An image appears on the console.]\n\nINFOSPHERE BRAIN\nThere is a nexus point between universes,\nat the space-time you entered the cryogenic\ntube. You and only you can return there.\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nInteresting. You could stop the Nibblonian\nfrom pushing you into the cryogenic\ntube.\n\nFRY\nThat is interesting. Why?\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nIt would be as if you never came to\nthe future. You will have your life\nback and we will suceed in our plan\nto understand and destroy the universe.\n\nFRY\nEverybody wins!\n\nBRAIN #2\nThe human will be returned to the past!\n\n[Outside Rocket Skating Rink.]\n\nNARRATOR\nMeanwhile...\n\nLEELA\nI love rocket skating! But the wait\nis always so long. Fry once stood in\nline for six hours just to get me a\nticket.\n\nCHAZ\nSix hours? Pfft. Sounds like a real\nnobody! But now it's time for somebody\nand some chick he's with to go skating.\n\n[He shows Leela a sign. Closed For Private Function. She gasps.]\n\n[Cut to: Rocket Skating Rink.]\n\nLEELA\nYou reserved the whole rink?\n\nCHAZ\nYup. Buzzed ahead, let 'em know who's\naide was coming by. The mayor's, that's\nwho's.\n\nLEELA\nOh Chaz!\n\n[She kisses him.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela and Chaz are now skating around the rink.\nThe kids from the Cookieville Orphanarium look on sadly.]\n\nSALLY\nMr Vogel. I thought we was going skating.\n\nVOGEL\nNo. We're not important enough. Everybody\njust hold hands until the bus driver\ngets back from his haircut.\n\n[Leela notices the orphans.]\n\nLEELA\nAww, let's let those kids skate with\nus.\n\nCHAZ\nWhat? Seriously? I'm trying to impress\nyou with my cloud here.!\n\nLEELA\nI know, and it's working. But think\nhow much skating would mean to those\nkids.\n\nORPHAN\nWe came here instead of eating today.\n\nLEELA\nThis may be their only chance to skate\nin their whole lives. Who are we to\nsay they can't?\n\nCHAZ\nThe mayor's aide, and his badge! (shouting)\nBeat it kids! Come back when you got\nconnections.\n\n[The kids look away sadly.]\n\nVOGEL\nAlright kids. Back to the Orphanarium.\nYou can slide around the gym in your\nsocks.\n\nSALLY\nWhat socks?\n\nCHAZ\nSo am I gonna get lucky tonight or what?\n\n[Leela snatches his badge away from him and stuffs it down his\nthroat.]\n\n[Infosphere. The Infosphere Brain types something into to the\nconsole. It holds Fry in place.]\n\nFRY\nI hope your calculations are correct.\n\nGIANT BRAIN\nOur calculations are always correct.\nFor we are gigantic brains.\n\nBRAIN #2\nInitiate space-time transfer.\n\n[The Infosphere throws a switch and the console zaps Fry and\nmakes him go all spliggly. He disappears.]\n\n[Old New York: December 31st 1999. In a telephone box Nibbler\nmakes a phonecall to Panucci's Pizza.]\n\nNIBBLER\nI hereby place and order for one cheese\npizza.\n\nPANUCCI [ON PHONE]\nOne pie, nothing good on it. Name?\n\nNIBBLER\nI-period C-period Wiener.\n\nPANUCCI [ON PHONE]\nUh, talk a little louder. It's sounds\nlike you got some kind of tiny head\non you or something.\n\n[Cryogenics Lab. Nibbler paces around under the desk. Enter Fry.]\n\nPAST FRY\nHellooo? Pizza delivery for uh, Icy\nWiener? Wiener? Aw crud.\n\n[Behind Nibbler, in the corner of the desk Future Fry appears\nand grabs him.]\n\nFUTURE FRY\nGotcha!\n\n[Nibbler squeals.]\n\nNIBBLER\nI don't understand.\n\nFUTURE FRY\nYes you do! You came back in time to\nknock me into that freezer. Now I came\nback in time to stop you.\n\nNIBBLER\nI did not come back in time. My people\nlack that ability.\n\nFUTURE FRY\nBut, I know you in the future. I cleaned\nyour poop.\n\nNIBBLER\nQuite possible. We live long and are\ncelebrated poopers. You will meet me\nwhen I'm a thousand years older.\n\nFUTURE FRY\nNot if you don't freeze me.\n\n[Past Fry sits down on the chair and puts his feet up on the\ndesk.]\n\nNIBBLER\nPlease. Our saviours foresee that in\na thousand years, at one moment, the\nfate of the universe will depend on\nyou. Since you will not live that long\nI must freeze you now.\n\nFUTURE FRY\nWell, why couldn't you just ask me?\n\nNIBBLER\nWe were afraid you would refuse.\n\nFUTURE FRY\nOf course not, I love the future.\n\nNIBBLER (CHOKING)\nThen why are you choking me right now?\n\nFUTURE FRY\nBecause I don't like being used.\n\nNIBBLER\nWell now it's your choice. Is there\nnothing in the future worth saving?\n\nFUTURE FRY\nLeela. But she doesn't think much of\nme.\n\nNIBBLER\nAh, she must be the other.\n\nFUTURE FRY\nWha?\n\n[Past Fry's chair starts to tumble back. Future Fry holds the\nleg.]\n\nNIBBLER\nYou must not give up on her. I am stationed\non a distant world known as Vergon 6.\nBut if you return to the future I will\ntransfer to Earth to give you what help\nI can.\n\n[Outside, the countdown to the millenium begins.]\n\nFUTURE FRY\nYou really think I would have had a\nchance with Leela?\n\nNIBBLER\nYou must choose. The present or the\nfuture? To save yourself? Or to save\nLeela?\n\n[The countdown reaches 1. Past Fry leans back on his chair and\nblows his party blower. Future Fry blows the chair and Past Fry\ntumbles back into the cryotube which freezes him.]\n\nFUTURE FRY\nYes! Here I come future! Oh no! Wait!\nI'm gonna get trapped in the Infosphere\nagain! Just remember that Scooty-Puff\nJr sucks...\n\n[He fades away into nothingness.]\n\nNIBBLER\nIn a thousand years I'll get right on\nit.\n\n[Outside Infosphere. The bomb explodes and the Infosphere is\nsucked into an alternate universe.]\n\nNARRATOR\nAnd so, a thousand years later Fry once\nagain infiltrated the Infosphere and\nset off his amazing bomb. Only this\ntime...\n\n[Fry speeds away from the Infosphere on his huge Scooty-Puff\nSr.]\n\n[Alley. Nibbler's ship lands and Fry and Nibbler climb out.]\n\nNIBBLER\nThank you for saving the universe Fry.\nHere.\n\nFRY\nWhoa, thanks! If you ever need a saviour\nagain, just ask.\n\nNIBBLER\nOh we will. We will.\n\n[He shuts his ship away and puts his leash on.]\n\nFRY\nMan, I can't wait to tell everyone what\nhappened.\n\nNIBBLER\nUh yes. Incidentally I need to remain\nundercover so I'm blanking your memory.\n\n[His third eye flashes like the memory stick from Men In Black\nand Fry looks dazed.]\n\nFRY\nHuh. Did everything just taste purple\nfor a second? Oh well. Let's go home\nyou dumb poop machine.\n\n[Nibbler chatters.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela holds up a photo of her and Chaz.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, would you do the honours?\n\nBENDER\nWith gusto.\n\n[He scorches a hole in the photo. Leela looks at it satisfied.\nChaz's head has been burnt away. Enter Fry. His head appears\nin the hole.]\n\nFRY\nHey Leela. I guess I got this for you.\n\n[He hands her the flower.]\n\nLEELA\nOh. Thank you. You know what Fry. I\ndon't care if you're not the most important\nperson in the universe. It really makes\nme happy to see you right now.\n\nFRY\nThen I am the most important person\nin the universe.\n\n[She kisses him.]\n\nTHE END\n\nFRY (OVER CREDITS)\nYes!"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Sting.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 509\n\n\"THE STING\"\n\nBy\n\nPatric M. Verrone\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: A By-Product Of The TV Industry.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Bender and Fry prepare for a game of\nVirtual Golf. Bender is all kitted out in golf gear. He takes\nhis club from Fry and puts the ball on the tee.]\n\nBENDER\nA hush comes over the crowd. The only\nsound is Bender calling everyone else\na jerk and he swings! And he slices\nit into the water, oh man!\n\n[He plugs himself into the game and appears on the screen. He\njumps into the lake. Enter Hermes and Farnsworth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBad news everyone. You're not good enough\nto go on your next mission.\n\nFRY\nHooray!\n\nBENDER\nNot good enough!\n\n[They high-five. Leela descends from above in a harness.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy? Says who?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBecause. And says me. It's an extremely\ndangerous mission that killed my last\ncrew. And you're not nearly as good\nas them.\n\nFRY\nWoohoo!\n\nBENDER\nWe live to suck another day!\n\n[They both do a happy dance. Leela disconnects Bender from the\ngame.]\n\nLEELA\nWe're just as good as any of those crews\nyou sent to their deaths. What's the\nmission?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCollecting honey. Ordinary honey.\n\nLEELA\nThat doesn't sound so dangerous.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis is no ordinary honey. It's produced\nby vicious space bees. A single sting\nof their hideous neuro-toxin can cause\ninstant death!\n\nHERMES\nAnd that's if you're not allergic! You\ndon't wanna know what happens then,\noh no no, God no!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYour insides will boil out of your eye\nsockets like a science fair volcano!\n\nHERMES\nI didn't want to know1\n\n[He bursts into tears.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThese bees are larger than most Buicks\nand twice as ugly!\n\nFRY\nLarger than an American sedan? How\nbig is the honey comb?\n\nHERMES\nHoney comb's big. Yeah yeah yeah.\n\nBENDER\nIt's not small?\n\nHERMES\nNo no no.\n\nLEELA\nIt'll take more than deadly deadly bees\nto keep us from doing our job. Come\non boys!\n\nFRY\nBut Leela we're no good!\n\nLEELA\nListen, I'm scared too. But I'm more\nscared of disappointing myself.\n\nFRY\nI'm not scared of that at all!\n\n[She pushes him towards the ship.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies towards the space beehive and\nlands just inside. Swarms of bees fly past with their space pollen.\nLeela paints yellow and black stripes on Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nNow bees communicate by dancing.\n\nFRY\nLike my parents. Oh wait, that was hitting!\n\nLEELA\nSo this language cartridge will let\nyou distract them.\n\n[She installs the cartridge into the slot in the back of Bender's\nhead.]\n\nBENDER\nAh good! I always have thoughts and\nfeelings that can only be expressed\nthrough dance! (in bee) You stink! Bender's\ngreat! Deal with it!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\n[Beehive. Leela and Fry are wearing the red spacesuits and they\nmake their way into the hive carrying a long hose. A bee flies\nin front of them and they gasp.]\n\nLEELA\nBender quick! Waggle something!\n\n[As Bender talks Fry and Leela make their escape.]\n\nBENDER (IN BEE)\nHello fellow bees. How's the abdomen?\nSwollen with nectar I trust?\n\nBEE (IN BEE)\nDuh!\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew get closer to the centre of the hive.]\n\nFRY\nLeela let's turn back. There's absolutely\nno shame in wussing out.\n\nLEELA\nRelax, everything'll be fine!\n\n[They look up and see a ship caked in honey. It has a familiar\nlogo on the tail.]\n\nFRY\nOh my God! The old Planet Express ship!\n\nLEELA\nThere's the black box!\n\n[She picks it up and plays it.]\n\nMAN [ON TAPE]\nCaptain, the bees have us surrounded!\nOh the Professor was right, we're not\nas good as his old crew!\n\nCAPTAIN [ON TAPE]\nWell I aim to prove him wrong! It'll\ntake more than a few deadly deadly bees\nto - Oh Lord!\n\n[He screams some more and Leela switches the tape off.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, couldn't make that out. Too much\nstatic!\n\n[Fry and Bender aren't so sure.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The crew crawl into part of the honey comb. It drips\nwith honey.]\n\nBENDER\nEw!\n\n[They arrive at the end of the tunnel and gasp.]\n\nLEELA\nWe found it! The honey comb hideout!\n\n[Time Lapse. Leela puts the hose into a river of honey and the\nhose sucks it up. Fry looks at something else.]\n\nFRY\nHey what's this goop?\n\nLEELA\nRoyal jelly. They feed it to the queen.\n\nFRY\nBees make honey and jelly? Huh. How\ncome nothing humans make taste good?\nHelp! I can't swim in jelly as far\nas I know!\n\n[Leela pulls him out.]\n\nLEELA\nLook! It's a baby queen! Aww she's\nso cute! You adorable wittle itty bitty\nfuzzy wuzzy -\n\nFRY\nLeela! Stop bonding and lets go! I got\njelly in my underpants!\n\nLEELA\nI'm taking this bee with us. With queen\nwe can build a hive and make more honey\nourselves. Let me just pack her a lunch\nand we'll go.\n\n[She dips a jar into the jelly.]\n\nBENDER (IN BEE)\nPick up the pace lady! I'm sick of shaking\nmy booty for these fat jerks! I didn't\nmean you're all fat. Just fatso there.\n\n[He points at a fat bee.]\n\nBEES (IN BEE)\nHe insulted our fat queen!\n\nQUEEN (IN BEE)\nYou try keeping your figure after 10,000\nkids!\n\n[The bees dive at the crew. They duck. Bender runs away. The\nqueen tries to sting him. Bender grabs a hold of her sting. She\nshakes him around.]\n\nLEELA\nThis is where we distinguish ourselves\nfrom the last crew. Activate emergency\nhigh speed self contained escape pack\ncrisis response unit! Quick!\n\n[She flies off with a jet pack. Fry turns his on but he is wearing\nit the wrong way and flies off upside down. The bees chase him\nand Leela. Fry hits the sides of the honey comb on the way through\nthe tunnels and Bender hangs onto the queen's sting screaming.\nLeela dodges a bee and it hits the comb and explodes.\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. Leela and Fry fly towards it.]\n\nLEELA\nGood luck Bender!\n\n[They fly through the cargo bay hatch.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela closes the hatch.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ship tries to take off but the honey\nholds it down. The queen prepares her sting.]\n\n[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Her sting comes through with Bender\non the end.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm back baby!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Ship. The cargo bay hatch closes, the queen\nfalls from the ship and they take off. The bees sting the ship\nand dent it. The ship speeds away from the hive, blowing the\nbees back.]\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Fry cheers and Leela puts the baby queen in\na little pet basket.]\n\nFRY\nWe made it! We're alive!\n\nLEELA\nBurn on that old crew! The only things\nthey did better than us were suck and\ndie!\n\nFRY\nLeela we got lucky this time but you\nshould be more careful. I don't want\nanything to happen to you.\n\nLEELA\nThanks, but I can look out for myself.\nFrankly I can smell danger a mile away.\n\n[The bee unfolds it's sting.]\n\nFRY\nLook out! You want her you'll have\nto go through me.\n\n[The bee goes through Fry and he and Leela fall to the floor.\nThe bee writhes around on the floor, dying. Bender quickly throws\nit into the airlock and jettisons it. It floats away into space\nand a space truck hits it. Leela looks where the sting hit her.]\n\nLEELA\nYou call that a wound? That's a boo\nboo top! But thanks for trying to save\nme Fry! Fry? He's...he's dead.\n\n[She and Bender kneel beside him.]\n\nBENDER (CRYING)\nWho will make Bender waffles just the\nway he likes them now?\n\n[Orbitting Meadows National Cemetery. Fry's funeral has begun.\nHe is in an open casket. Mourners that include Leo and Inez Wong\nand two Trisolians pay their respects to him. Leela cries.]\n\nLEELA (CRYING)\nIt was all my fault! He died because\nof me!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo no no no no no no. I'm lying to\nmake her feel better.\n\n[Leela cries more.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Hermes and LaBarbara pay their respects to Fry.\nHermes puts piece of burning paper on the coffin.]\n\nLABARBARA\nHusband, can't you go anywhere without\nlighting something up?\n\nHERMES\nIt's an old Jamaican accounting tradition.\nWe burn his timecard. That way his zombie\ndoesn't come back looking for his final\npaycheque.\n\n[They leave and Amy and Zoidberg stand beside Fry.]\n\nAMY\nHe looks so natural. It's funny to think\nhe's clammed full of sawdust and preservatives.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI only wish I could have removed the\nstinger.\n\n[They look at Fry's body, the huge sting sticks out of him.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Father Changstein el Gamahl of the First Amalgamated\nChurch begins the eulogy.]\n\nPRIEST\nI barely knew Philip, but as a clergyman\nI have no problem telling his most intimate\nfriends all about him.\n\n[The congregation cries.]\n\nHERMES\nSoothe us with sweet lies.\n\nPRIEST\nIt may comfort you to know that Fry's\ndeath took only 15 seconds. Yet the\npain was so intense that it felt to\nhim like 15 years. And it goes without\nsaying that it caused him to empty his\nbowels. We now commend Fry's body to\nthe ages.\n\n[The coffin turns around and is ejected into space. Scruffy plays\nWalking On Sunshine on the bagpipes.]\n\nAMY\nHe's walking on sunshine now.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThis makes me the oldest member of my\nfamily.\n\n[He cries and hugs Bender.]\n\nAMAZONIAN\nHim do good snu-snu.\n\n[Behind her the radiator from the Miss Universe pageant, Petunia,\nthe girl from The Hip Joint, Morgan Proctor and Michelle aren't\nso sure.]\n\nBENDER\nAll those times I said \"Kill all humans\"\nI'd always whisper \"except one.\" And\nFry was that one. And I never told him\nso.\n\n[He cries and hugs Farnsworth. Terry does his swooshy coat thing.]\n\nTERRY (DRAMATICALLY)\nFarewell from the world of tomorrow!\n\n[Leela's Bedroom. She tickles Nibbler and wipes her eye with\nhalf a hanky. She puts the other half on her bedside table and\nsees the jar of honey.]\n\nLEELA (CRYING)\nThey say a spoonful of space honey helps\nease the pain. It's good. I feel funny.\nHaha funny!\n\n[She laughs and then faints.]\n\n[Leela's Dream. Leela floats towards Fry's coffin and it opens.]\n\nFRY\nLeela?\n\nLEELA\nFry? I thought you were dead.\n\nFRY\nNope, I'm better than ever. Before the\naccident I couldn't do this!\n\n[He sticks his hand through the sting wound.]\n\nLEELA\nImpressive! But it does sorta support\nmy You-Are-Dead theory.\n\nFRY\nThen I'll prove I'm alive! By telling\nyou something only I could know. There's\na surprise for you in my locker. I got\nit at a Swedish novelty shop before\nwe left.\n\n[Behind him his locker appears. He opens the door and pulls out\na gift-wrapped box and hands it to Leela. She gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nIt's too beautiful to open! Can I open\nit?\n\nFRY\nSure. There's just one thing I want\nyou to.\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nFRY\nI want you to wake up.\n\nLEELA\nWake up? But I'm not -\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Bedroom. She wakes up. It's the middle of the\nnight. Nibbler rolls of the bed.]\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Area. The crew sans Bender are gathered\naround Fry's locker.]\n\nLEELA\nIn my dream Fry said he hid a gift for\nme in my locker. If it's true then he\nmust still exist in some form.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh course he still exists. As a frozen\ncorpse in outer space! Oh, I made myself\nsad.\n\nLEELA\nWell, here goes.\n\n[She opens the locker. It is empty. The crew sigh.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nBupkiss!\n\n[Enter Bender counting some cash and whistling.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, I feel better now. Pawning all\nthe stuff in Fry's locker helped give\nme closure.\n\nLEELA\nWas there anything in there that might\nhave been a gift for me?\n\nBENDER\nNo. Nothing. Not at all. No way Jos\u00e9!\nHere it is.\n\nLEELA\nYou took this from Fry's locker?\n\nBENDER\nHey the guy's dead! There's no law against\ngrave robbing!\n\n[Leela opens the gift. It's a squeezy toy.]\n\nLEELA\nThat proves it. Fry is alive somewhere\nand he's reaching me in my dreams.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBullpies!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. He helps Leela onto a table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLay down here and we'll do some tests.\nIf Fry is out there then Leela's brain\ncould be acting as a five pound ouija\nboard.\n\n[Leela lies back on the table.]\n\nLEELA\nIs this some sort of brain scanner?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSome sort yes. In France it's called\na \"guillotine.\"\n\n[He pulls a lever. Leela gasps and jumps out of the way, narrowly\nmissing the blade.]\n\nLEELA\nProfessor! Can't you examine my brain\nwithout removing it?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes. Easily.\n\n[He scans her brain with a small scanner thing.]\n\nBENDER\nHey, what if Fry wasn't actually dead\nwhen we buried him? Y'know like Julia\nRoberts?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell I suppose there's a slim - I don't\nbelieve it!\n\nLEELA\nWhat is it? Is Fry alive in some other\ndimension or something?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. According to this gizmometer, Fry\nis dead and nothing can bring him back!\nRemarkable.\n\nLEELA\nBut, my dream. Your science can't unprove\nthat! How could I have know the gift\nwas in Fry's locker?\n\nHERMES\nEasy! He told you about it before he\ndied! And your grief roasted mind blocked\nit out.\n\nLEELA\nAre you saying I'm going crazy?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo no, no one's saying that! But I'm\ncertainly thinking it loudly.\n\n[Leela's Bedroom. She tosses and turns in her sleep.]\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Dream. Back in space Fry appears to her like\nthe Cheshire Cat, just his hair and mouth.]\n\nFRY\nHi Leela! I'm just gonna keep talking,\neven if you can't hear me. Blah blah\nblah, blah blah blah blah blah.\n\nLEELA\nShut up, I can hear you. The Professor\nsays you're just a dream.\n\n[Fry appears fully.]\n\nFRY\nOh yeah? Could a dream take you dancing\nin an illusion garden?\n\nLEELA\nWell yes, technically. It's still very\nsweet of you.\n\nFRY\nThen what if we shared a sleigh ride\nacross the ice fields of Hiperia?\n\n[The dream changes to an icy landscape. Fry and Leela are pulled\nalong in a sleigh by a woolly mammoth. Fry hands Leela a mug\nand tears open a packet of cocoa.]\n\nLEELA\nOh Fry you must be alive! I've never\nbeen treated so romantically by my own\nimagination before!\n\nFRY\nHere, take my jacket. You look a little\ncold.\n\nLEELA\nThank you. It's all so beautiful I forgot\nhow many hundreds of degrees zero it\nmust be. I just wish I could convince\nthe others you're alive.\n\nFRY\nYou can. All you have to do is wake\nup.\n\nLEELA\nNo no! Don't say that! This is real!\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Bedroom. She wakes up and sends Nibbler flying\noff the bed.]\n\nLEELA\nNot another dream! Fry's jacket! The\none he was buried in! My dream was real!\nHe's alive!\n\n[Her neighbour thumps the wall.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender is on fire. Hermes, Amy,\nZoidberg and Farnsworth blast him with fire extinguishers.]\n\nBENDER\nThat's better!\n\n[He lights a cigar. Enter Leela with Fry's jacket in a jacket\njacket.]\n\nLEELA\nFry's alive! I have proof!\n\nBENDER\nYou do not!\n\nHERMES\nI'm from Jamaica, the show-me island.\nSo show me you're blowing it out your\nfanny.\n\nLEELA\nBut he gave me his jacket. Look.\n\n[She opens the jacket jacket and pulls out...her own green jacket.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's not Fry's jacket. Fry's jacket\nis red! That's your jacket. An off the\nrack lime green affair.\n\nLEELA\nBut Fry...his jacket...and when I woke\nup it was on me.\n\nHERMES\nYou're under a lot of guilt stress Leela.\nHere, work it off.\n\n[He hands the squeezy stress toy and she squeezes it.]\n\nLEELA [SQUEEZING]\nI am not under stress dammit!\n\n[The toy explodes.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nAMY\nI said everything's going to be alright.\n\nLEELA\nOh. Maybe I am freaking out a little.\n\nBENDER\nA little? You're screwier than my Aunt\nRita! And she's a screw!\n\nLEELA\nI need to calm down. I'd better take\nsome more of that space honey.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou've been taking space honey? Be careful\nyou purple haired imbecile!\n\nZOIDBERG\nOne spoonful calms you down, two spoonfuls\nhelp you sleep, but three spoonfuls,\nyou'll go into a sleep and never wake\nup! Never!\n\nBENDER (AMY'S VOICE)\nNever!\n\n[Leela gasps.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela takes a spoonful of honey.]\n\nLEELA\nOne spoonful to calm me down. OK, I've\ngot a pretty good calm going! Two spoonfuls\nto help me sleep. Uh oh, still awake.\nI guess one more spoonful couldn't hurt.\nOh my gosh! I'd better get a sponge!\nFry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge!\n\nFRY\nWhy and I sticky and naked? Did I miss\nsomething fun?\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth scans Fry with\nthe gizmometer.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIncredible! According to the gizmometer,\nFry touched the royal jelly in the space\nhive, leaving an imprint of his DNA\nand brainwaves. Then, when it spilled\non the couch, it recombined with trace\namounts of Fry's hair and skin -\n\nBENDER\nAnd blood! Don't forget about Fry's\nblood!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes Bender, thank you. In short, the\nvarious fluids Fry left in the couch\ncaused the royal jelly to regenerate\nhis entire being!\n\nFRY\nNeat!\n\nBENDER\nThis is great! My buddy's alive and\nhis credit cards are valid again! Lets\ngo get hammered!\n\n[The crew cheer.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI should warn you: I'm a mean drunk.\n\n[They leave, leaving Fry and Leela alone.]\n\nLEELA\nFry, I'm so glad I didn't kill you.\n\nFRY\nMe too.\n\nLEELA\nFeeling responsible for your death was\ndriving me mad. But now everything is\nalright.\n\nFRY\nUh, not everything.\n\nLEELA\nWhat? What do you mean?\n\nFRY\nYou have to wake up.\n\nLEELA\nWake up? Oh no! No! It can't be!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Leela wakes up on the couch.\nThe royal jelly wasn't spilt and Fry didn't come back to life.\nThe two spoonfuls did help her sleep. She gasps and looks around.]\n\nLEELA\nPoo.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm cracking up. In my dreams I'm happy\nbecause Fry is alive, but when I'm awake\nmy mind plays tricks on me.\n\nHERMES\nOh take it easy Leela.\n\nAMY\nIn every life we have some trouble.\n\nBENDER\nBut when you worry you make it double.\n\nFARNSWORTH (SINGING)\nThe landlord says your rent is late...\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nHe might have to litigate.\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nBut don't worry!\n\n[He opens his chest cabinet and a bee flies out and stings Farnsworth's\nhead.]\n\nBEE (SINGING)\nBee...\n\nFARNSWORTH (SINGING)\n...happy!\n\n[His head explodes and the meeting room goes dark.]\n\nZOIDBERG (SINGING)\nAin't got no cash,\n\nAin't got no style,\n\nLadies vomit when I smile,\n\nBut does Zoidberg worry?\n\n[The bee stings him.]\n\nBEE (SINGING)\nBee...\n\nZOIDBERG (SINGING)\n...happy!\n\n[He explodes. Hermes holds Amy and skates around as the bee flies\nalongside.]\n\nHERMES (SINGING)\nDon't worry now Amy!\n\n[The bee stings him and he explodes.]\n\nAMY (SINGING)\nOK! I'm happy!\n\n[The bee stings her and she explodes.]\n\n[Streamers and glitter falls around the table and Bender dances\non it.]\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\nTake us home Bender! Don't worry!\n\nBEE (SINGING)\nBee...\n\n[It stings him.]\n\nBENDER (SINGING)\n...happy!\n\n[He explodes in a rather nice display of fireworks. The smoke\nclears and everyone is back at the table again.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, were you just singing?\n\nBENDER\nNo I was telling you not to worry. I'm\nnot allowed to sing - court order.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit. Leela takes off in the ship. She is nervous\nand jittery.]\n\nLEELA\nI'll find Fry's coffin, take his corpse\nand keep it under my mattress to remind\nme he's really dead. That'll prove I'm\nnot insane.\n\n[Outside Ship. Leela stands at the airlock in her spacesuit and\nlooks out at Fry's coffin, floating like the monolith from 2001:\nA Space Odyssey. She jumps out and floats to it. She puts her\nhands on it.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, it's just an ordinary coffin. Containing\nmy ordinary dead friend, who I killed.\n\n[She opens the coffin. Inside are lots of colours going by very\nfast like in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Leela stares.]\n\n[Cut to: Leela's Bedroom. She wakes up from what was another\ndream.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat happened? Why am I in my apartment?\n\n[Farnsworth's, Zoidberg's, Hermes' and Amy's faces appear on\nher walls.]\n\nLEELA\nStop it! Stop it!\n\n[She tears their faces down like wallpaper. Bender appears on\nthe floor.]\n\nBENDER\nYou killed Fry!\n\n[She grabs the hoover and sucks him up.]\n\nLEELA\nOK, I'm insane! But I'm still sane enough\nto know it. The only time I feel alright\nis in my dreams. With you. Three spoonfuls.\nThen I can dream forever. One. Two\nHere goes. Goodbye waking world.\n\n[The spoon moves towards her mouth. Fry's photo suddenly starts\ntalking.]\n\nFRY'S PHOTO\nLeela! No! Listen to me, you don't\nwant to lie in bed like a vegetable\nand do nothing the rest of your life.\nI've tried it. Bedsores hurt!\n\nLEELA (CRYING)\nThen what am I s'posed to do?\n\nFRY'S PHOTO\nFight it!\n\nLEELA (CRYING)\nI can't!\n\nFRY'S PHOTO\nYou can! The Leela I know doesn't give\nup this easily.\n\nLEELA\nOK. I'll try. Go away!\n\n[She throws the jar at it. The jar and the bee break and the\none bee becomes a swarm. Leela picks up Fry's photo and holds\nit tightly.]\n\nFRY'S PHOTO\nI don't know if you can hear me Leela\nbut there's something I wanna tell you.\nI love you.\n\nLEELA (CRYING)\nI'm so scared Fry I don't know what\nto do.\n\nFRY'S PHOTO\nJust wake up Leela. Please. Just wake\nup.\n\nLEELA (CRYING)\nI don't understand what you mean!\n\n[She hugs the photo.]\n\n[Cut to: Hospital Room. Leela is in a bed and Fry is sat at her\nside. His jacket is draped around her and she is in a coma.]\n\nFRY (CRYING)\nJust wake up. Please. Just wake up Leela.\n\n[Her eyelid flutters and opens. She looks around.]\n\nLEELA\nFry. You're alive!\n\nFRY\nLeela! You're awake!\n\nLEELA\nOf course I'm awake. You wouldn't stop\nwaking me. Where am I?\n\nFRY\nIn the hospital. The ambulance brought\nyou here right after the bee stung you.\n\nLEELA\nBut the bee stung you. It barely touched\nme.\n\n[Fry lifts up his shirt. There is a patch where his wound was.]\n\nFRY\nStinger went right through me and you\ngot all the poison. My new spleen came\nfrom a guy who liked to motorcycle.\n\n[He makes revving noises. Enter the rest of the crew.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet three toed sloth of ice planet\nHoth! She's awake!\n\n[They all cheer.]\n\nBENDER\nYou were in the best coma I've ever\nseen!\n\nAMY\nThe doctor said you'd never wake up.\n\nLEELA\nReally? How long was I out?\n\nAMY\nTwo weeks. Fry never left your side\nfor a minute.\n\nZOIDBERG\nAnd he talked non-stop, like a parrot\nof the sea he was.\n\nFRY\nI though that if you heard a familiar\nvoice, it might help keep your mind\ntogether. But, who knows if it really\ngot through.\n\nLEELA\nIt got through Fry. It got through.\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Farnsworth-Parabox.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 510\n\n\"THE FARNSWORTH PARABOX\"\n\nBy\n\nBill Odenkirk\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Beats A Hard Kick In The Face.]\n\n[Outside Planet Express. The top of the tower explodes in a huge\nfireball and electricity zaps around the rest of the building.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender is sat at the table\nsnoring as the room shakes and bits of ceiling fall on him.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Leela sit on the couch.\nPlaster is still falling from the ceiling and the building is\nstill shaking.]\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nI know you've rejected me a lot before\nbut frankly I wasn't sure we were right\nfor each other either, but now I am!\nSo how 'bout a date tonight?\n\nLEELA\n(shouting): Sorry I think I, um, I think\nI left my toaster on.\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nC'mon Leela, what's the real reason\nyou won't go out with me?\n\nLEELA (SHOUTING)\nLook, I'm embarrassed to admit this\nbut you forced me to. I can't go out\ntonight because ......I have sweaty\nboot rash!\n\n[On the other side of the room Amy looks up from the table.]\n\nAMY\nNo spluh! Why do you think I'm sitting\nover here in the stink-free zone?\n\n[Fry laughs.]\n\nFRY\nSo, will you go out with me?\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are sat around the table.\nFarnsworth is covered in dirty stains and tries to rub them off\nwith a cloth.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone, I'm still technically\nalive! Yes! But I need to you to dispose\nof this crazy ass experiment that almost\nkilled me. You'll have to throw it\ninto the sun itself, for only the thermonuclear\ninferno of the sun has enough energy\nto ensure its total destruction!\n\nBENDER\nI can hit it with a shovel!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's not good enough.\n\nBENDER\nThis one time I pounded a guy into the\nground like a stake with a shovel!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes yes!\n\n[Zoidberg lifts the lid slightly.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo what's in the box already?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo peeking! I don't know what's in\nthere but I'm sure our minds would be\nunable to comprehend -\n\n[Hermes lifts the lid and Farnsworth hits his hand with the hammer.]\n\nHERMES\nOw! You hurt my collater!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI don't care. Listen well: No matter\nwhat happens, no matter how great your\ncuriosity, you are forbidden to look\nin this box. Forbidden! Pretty tantilising\nthough!\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The box is on a stool and\nBender, Zoidberg, Fry, Leela and Hermes stand around it.]\n\nFRY\nWhatever's in there it's the only thing\nI've ever wanted.\n\nZOIDBERG\nIn my experience boxes are usually empty.\nOr maybe with a little cheese stuck\nto the top. And one time pepperoni!\nWhat a day that was! (shouting) Give\nme the box!\n\n[Hermes fires a laser into the air.]\n\nHERMES\nScram you lousy green snakes! Here\nLeela, take this and use it to shoot\nthose guys.\n\n[He hands her the laser.]\n\nLEELA\nRight! If they try to look in the box.\n\nHERMES\nWhatever.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the table while Bender\npaces around restlessly.]\n\nFRY\nLet's just forget about the box. The\nProfessor said to stay away.\n\nBENDER\nFry, how can you be so naive? He was\njoking. Get it?\n\nFRY\nNo.\n\nBENDER\nThat's what makes it so funny! OK he\nwasn't joking now shut up and follow\nme.\n\n[Planet Express: Basement. Bender removes the hatch from a superheated\nsteam pipe and climbs in. Fry follows.]\n\nFRY [FROM VENT]\nOw it's hot! The butter in my pocket\nis melting!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Above the room Bender\nremoves the grate.]\n\n[Cut to: Vent. Bender takes out his eyes and replaces them with\nbendy periscope type eyes.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender's eye emerge\nfrom the vent and he scans the room. Leela is asleep in the corner.\nBender chuckles. He extends his arms down the box, picks it up\nand brings it back into the vent. Fry groans from the heat.]\n\n[Planet Express: Basement. Bender puts the box on a crate in\nthe middle of the room]\n\nBENDER\nWe thank you Bender for the gift we\nare about to receive!\n\n[He lifts the lid and he and Fry gasp. Fry pulls something out.]\n\nFRY\nTangled up Christmas lights! We can\ntake shifts untangling them!\n\nBENDER\nUnlabled booze! Widemouth too!\n\n[He downs the bottle and Fry starts on the lights.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nLEELA\nThat oughta keep those dopes occupied.\nI can guard the real box in peace now\nthat no one's curious about it.\n\n[She walks across the room and places the box back on the stool\nand picks up a magazine called Nosy Enquirer. She hums as she\nreads it. She looks up at the box but goes back to the magazine\nand hums louder.]\n\n[Time Lapse. The next morning Leela is still in the lab guarding\nthe box. A clock rings 7am.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, I got through the night and no\none looked in the box. Not even me.\nThe person who gave up her whole evening\nto watch it. A whole evening of TV gone.\nWhat a mockery of justice it is that\nI can't take even a little tiny peek!\nI need coffee. OK. Heads I look, tails\nI don't. Oh yeah! Heads! I mean - alright\nthen! No. I have a duty not to look.\nBut then again, I promised the coin\nI would. Oh it's deep. Deeper than\na small box should be.\n\n[She is sucked inside the box and screams.]\n\n[Cut to: Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab. Everything goes all wobbly\nand the box changes colour from yellow to light blue. Leela is\nejected from it. She lands face first onto the floor. She is\nunaware that she has fallen into a parallel universe inside the\nbox.]\n\nLEELA\nOuch! My lawyer will hear about this!\n\n[Enter Fry. But his hair is black and his jacket is green.]\n\nFRY 1\nLeela, what have you done?\n\nLEELA\nNothing. What do you mean \"why was I\nlooking in the box?\"\n\nFRY 1\nI mean your hair. It's all different-y.\n\n[Enter Bender. But he is gold.]\n\nLEELA\nBender? Is that you?\n\nBENDER 1\nYou know it! Large and in charge!\n\n[Enter Farnsworth with a scar around his head.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nLeela? Oh, there's a woman for you!\nAlways dying her hair instead of not\nlooking in a box.\n\nLEELA\nI didn't dye my hair. This is how I\nalways look.\n\nBENDER 1\nNo, that's how you always look. This\nthrows my entire perception of reality\ninto question. Clone? Robot? Or long\nlost twin? Taking all bets! I also offer\nvideo poker!\n\n[Time Lapse.]\n\nFRY 1\nIt's some guy wearing a Leela costume!\nGet him!\n\n[Leela whips out Hermes' laser and points it at them.]\n\nLEELA\nHold it! You have this all wrong. I\njust fell into the box and then I fell\nout somehow.\n\nFRY 1\nYou shut up sir.\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nNo wait, I've got it! I know what's\nin the box. Oh I've been as dumb as\nFry!\n\nFRY 1\nAm not!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nIt contains a parallel universe! And\nwhen you create a parallel universe\nit's almost always populated by evil\ntwins!\n\nLEELA\nNo look, I am not evil. My loan officer\nsaid so.\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nOh you'd like us to believe that wouldn't\nyou Leela? Or should I say Eveela?\n\nBENDER 1\nOh this is awful. Somewhere there's\na Bender more evil than me. I do my\nbest dammit!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nLeela? The good Leela. I want you\nto snoop around the other universe and\nfind out how evil they are. Here.\n\nLEELA\nI tell you they're not evil. But don't\nbe confused. They are jerks.\n\n[Leela 1 dives into the box.]\n\n[She punches him.]\n\n[Enter Leela 1 via the box. She points the laser back into it.]\n\nLEELA 1\nCome out of your universe with your\nhands up!\n\n[Enter Fry, Bender, Amy, Zoidberg and Farnsworth. They put up\ntheir hands.]\n\nFRY\nOh wow. It's like that drug trip I saw\nin that movie when I was on that drug\ntrip.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAstonishing. I must have created a parallel\nuniverse!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nBaldercrap! I created your universe!\nAll you created was my fist parallel\nto your face!\n\n[He weakly punches him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOw.\n\nLEELA\nLook. It doesn't matter who created\nwhat. The important thing is - yah!\n\n[She kicks the laser out of Leela 1's hand. Leela 1 leans back\nto Farnsworth 1.]\n\nLEELA 1 (WHISPERING)\nWe're exactly the same. I know all her\nmoves. Therefore, I've got the upper\nhand.\n\n[Both Leelas fly at each other, collide and land in a heap on\nthe floor.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nNow now, perfectly symmetrical violence\nnever solved anything.\n\n[Universe 1: Meeting Room. Both crews sit around the table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLet's recap what's happened so far.\nAs you can see I accidentally created\na box containing your universe.\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nWhile I, in a simultaineous blunder\ncreated a box containing your universe.\n\nLEELA\nThis is getting confusing. Why don't\nwe call our universe \"Universe A\" and\nthis universe \"Universe B\"?\n\nBENDER 1\nHey, why can't we be universe A?\n\nFRY 1\nYeah!\n\nAMY 1\nYeah!\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nWe want the best letter!\n\nFRY\nWe called it first. Besides, this place\nkinda feels like a \"B\" y'know?\n\nLEELA 1\nAlright, you can be crummy universe\nA. And we'll be universe 1!\n\nFRY 1\nOr \"The Mongooses,\" that's a cool team\nname. The Fighting Mongooses!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWait a minute. If our universes are\nidentical then why did our Leela look\ninto the box and your Leela didn't?\n\nLEELA 1\nWell to be honest I tossed a coin. It\ncame up tails so I didn't look.\n\nLEELA\nThat's weird. Mine came up heads so\nI did.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nInteresting. Apparently the key difference\nbetween our universes is that coin flips\nhave opposite outcomes.\n\nBENDER\nThat explains fruity here! I tossed\na coin to pick my finish. Foghat grey!\n\nBENDER 1\nHey! Bite my glorious golden ass!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYour people and your slight differences\ndisgust me. I'm going home. Where's\nthat blue box with our universe in it?\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nOh you'd like to get back to your evil\nuniverse wouldn't you? And destroy your\nbox with our universe inside it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNonsense! I would never do such a thing\nunless you would already have been going\nto do that!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nWha?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou heard me!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nIn any case, I've hidden the box and\nit will remain hidden unitil I'm convinced\nyou're not evil! Everyone, keep an\neye on your evil counterpart.\n\n[Farnsworth turns to the A crew.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd you all do the same!\n\nLEELA 1\nUm, can Fry and I watch our parallel\nselves together? We have plans tonight.\n\nLEELA\nYou guys are dating?\n\nFRY 1\nOh no no no. We're married.\n\n[Leela 1 puts her arms around him. They kiss. Fry and Leela's\njaws drop.]\n\n[Universe 1 Street. Bender A and Bender 1 walk down the street\nwhile all the time watching each other.]\n\nBENDER\nI've got my eye on you boy!\n\nBENDER 1\nDon't even think about it lunch-pail!\nYou'd be dead before you hit the ground!\n\nBENDER\nGood point. Whatyya say we just hit\na strip joint?\n\nBENDER 1\nI was waitin' for one of us to say that!\nBender A, you're a prince among robots!\nCan you forgive me for distrusting you?\n\n[They hug.]\n\nBENDER\nAw, I can't stay mad at what is essentially\nme. I love me!\n\n[They take each others wallets and chuckle.]\n\n[Universe 1: Lounge. The two Amy's paint their toenails.]\n\nAMY 1\nThis is so great! I always wanted an\nimaginary friend!\n\nAMY\nI'm not imaginary, I'm parallel! We're\nexactly the same, right down to the\n- Splech! Is that pink nail polish?\n\n[Amy 1 points at Amy's yellow toenails.]\n\nAMY 1\nIs that not pink nail polish? The Professor's\nright, you are evil! And shallow!\n\nAMY\nI am not evil!\n\n[Universe 1 Elzar's. The Frys and Leelas sit at a table.]\n\nLEELA\nSo Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together?\n\nFRY 1\nFunny story. I asked Leela out a million\ntimes and she just kept rejecting me.\n\nLEELA 1\nI'd make up things like \"I have sweaty\nboot-rash\" or \"I have to meet the President\"!\n\n[She laughs. Fry glares at Leela.]\n\nFRY 1\nOh man, you never heard such excuses!\nBut, like a dope, I believed her. Looking\nback on it now it's kinda funny!\n\nFRY (SARCASTIC)\nIt sure is, right Leela? Funny. Ha ha\nha ha!\n\nLEELA 1\nThen one night when Fry asked me out\nthe only excuse I could think of involved\nghosts. I knew he wouldn't buy it so\nI did what I always do in those situations.\n\nLEELA\nOh Lord!\n\nLEELA 1\nI flipped a coin. It came up heads and\nwe went out.\n\n[Fry turns to Leela.]\n\nFRY\nYou mean you flipped the coin too? And\nit was tails? So that's why you said\nyou had to meet that ghost.\n\nLEELA 1\nYou really missed out on something Leela.\nThat date was magical.\n\nFRY 1\nOne year later I gave Leela a diamond\nscrunchy, and we were married.\n\n[Leela 1 turns around and shows Leela the scrunchy.]\n\nLEELA\nWoo!\n\nFRY\nOne year later I got beat up at a Neil\nDiamond concert by a guy named Scrunchy!\n\n[Universe 1 Farnsworth's Lab. The two Farnsworth's fiddle around\nwith the chandelier controls and the lights brighten and dim.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nWell that was pointless.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSay, I hope you won't think it \"evil\"\nof me to ask how you got that stylish\nhead wound!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nOh this old thing? I was experimenting\nto see if I could remove my own brain!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOf course! I had the same idea! I flipped\na coin to decide if I should proceed\nbut it came up tails - so I didn't.\nHow'd it go?\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nWell getting the brain out was the easy\npart. The hard part was getting the\nbrain out!\n\n[He laughs insanely. Farnsworth chuckles.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh you!\n\n[Universe 1 Alley. The two Zoidbergs sit in a dumpster.]\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nSo, tell me about yourself!\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell don't look into it but I'm a respected\ninternal medicine doctor! Ooo a can!\n\n[He picks up the can and slurps the contents of it.]\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nAs for me I design mansions, then live\nin them. (crying) I'm lying! I'm an\nappalling failure!\n\n[Zoidberg cries too.]\n\nZOIDBERG (CRYING)\nMe too! A big fat one.\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nAnd those co-workers. Always looking\ndown on us Zoidbergs. What are they?\nFrom Nob Hill?\n\nZOIDBERG\nThey're all like \"Stop spraying me with\nink Zoidberg!\" \"Put on pants Zoidberg!\"\n\"Don't touch our fancy box Zoidberg!\"\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nOh that box! Too good for us is it?\n\nZOIDBERG\nBah! Someday they'll watch! From down\nin the gutter they will, as King Zoidberg\ncaresses their fancy box.\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nYou know, maybe a certain blue lobster\nsaw where Professor hid the box!\n\n[Zoidberg laughs evily and Zoidberg 1 joins in.]\n\n[Universe 1 Meeting Room.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nGood news everyones!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAfter carefully reading the scriptures,\nwe've concluded that none of us are\nevil!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nYes, the Bible is the real good news!\nAnyhow, you're all free to go back to\nyour own universe.\n\n[Enter Hermes 1.]\n\nHERMES 1\nWhat's goin' on here? Why aren't you\nall out destroying the Professor's box?\n\nLEELA 1\nHermes, aren't you confused about the\nfact thats there's two of everybody?\n\nHERMES 1\nNo. Now like my granny used to say back\nin her tall paper shack on Montego Bay\n\"If you want a box hurled into the sun,\nyou got to do it yourself!\"\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nYour granny can go to hell! I've hidden\nthe box so that no one can destroy the\nhome universe of my handsome friend\nhere!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh go on! Wait a second. If your Hermes\nwas about to destroy the box containing\nour universe...\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nThen your Hermes...\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my!\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The hangar doors open and Hermes\nwalks up the steps into the ship.]\n\nHERMES\nLike granny said \"If you want a box\nhurled into the sun, you got to do it\nyourself!\" God rest her zombie bones.\n\n[Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nLEELA\nSo we go through the box and stop Hermes?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nRight. Good thing Professor B there\nhid it in the sealed clam tank. No one\nbut a crazy lobster would look there!\n\n[In the tank Farnsworth 1 opens a giant shell. There is nothing\ninside.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nIt's gone!\n\n[Cut to: Universe 1 Alley. Zoidberg 1 is sat on a bin holding\nthe box and wearing a Slurm cup on his head. Zoidberg A bows\nto him.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nAll hail Zoidberg! The king with the\nbox! Now it's my turn maybe?\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nThe box says no.\n\n[Ship's Cockpit.]\n\n[Universe 1 Farnsworth's Lab.]\n\nHERMES 1 (CRYING)\nIf I know parallel Hermes, he's at the\nsun by now.\n\nBENDER 1\nOur universe is doomed!\n\nBENDER AND BENDER 1\nDooooomed!\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nNow don't give up yet you cry babies.\nThe box is gone but we still have one\npreposterously slim hope.\n\nAMY\nIs it a kind of hairspray?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNo. We must attempt to create another\nbox containing our universe! Doy!\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth pulls the switch on the multi-purpose\nnose making machine and the lights dim. Several boxes come out\nof it on a conveyor belt. The two Farnsworths scream madly while\neveryone else remains calm.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Several boxes are on the floor. Fry picks one up\nand pokes his head inside it.]\n\nFRY 1\nWell? Is that your universe in there?\n\nFRY [FROM BOX]\nNope. Too cold.\n\n[He pulls his head out. It is frozen in a block of ice. Farnsworth\nputs his head in one.]\n\n[Leela runs by with her head in a box and tentacles emerging\nfrom it.]\n\nHERMES 1\nOh man it's hopeless! We'll never find\nyour universe in time! Plus, this box\nis stuck on my fat head.\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nYes it's the apocalypse alright. I always\nthought I'd have a hand in it!\n\nBENDER 1\nI'm not sad. Because I finally found\nsomeone as great as me! It's like I\nalways say: \"Make new friends and keep\nthe old. One is silver...\"\n\nBENDER\n\"...and the other's gold!\"\n\n[They hug and cry. Enter Zoidbergs with the right box.]\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nWhy with the long faces?\n\n[Leela 1 gasps.]\n\nLEELA 1\nThe idiots have the box!\n\nZOIDBERG\nI think she means you.\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nGrab them!\n\n[They surround the two Zoidbergs and back them against the shelves\ncontaining the other universes. The shelves wobble and Universe\n#25 falls off and lands on Zoidberg, taking him and Universe\nA with it.]\n\n[He picks up the box and drops it over his head. He runs around\nwith his legs sticking out and woops. He runs into the shelves\nand all the other boxes fall off.]\n\nAMY\nSplug! Which one did they go into?\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nWe'll have to search a universe. Everyone,\ngrab a length of wire first so you can\nfind your way back.\n\n[They each grab a wire anchored to his lab table and jump into\na parabox.]\n\n[Universe 25. The Zoidbergs come in via a box and leave via another\nbox. Amy 1 follows and looks around.]\n\nAMY 1\nHello? Did you see two smelly lobsters?\n\nHERMES 25\nWe didn't see anything.......ever!\n\n[Universe 1729. Enter Fry.]\n\nFRY\nYo, did two shellfish in scrubs go by?\n\n[The people in this universe have giant wobbly heads.]\n\nFRY 1729\nHell no.\n\nLEELA 1729\nShut up!\n\nBENDER 1729\nBeat it jerk!\n\n[Universe 31. Enter Leela. This universe is populated by blocky\nrobot versions of the crew.]\n\nLEELA\nUh, have you robot versions of yourselves\nseen any extra Zoidbergs around here?\n\nLEELA\nUh, access denied.\n\n[Fry 31's head explodes.]\n\n[Universe XVII. The Professor's lab resembles an ancient Greek\nstudy and Farnsworth XVII is hard at work writing something on\na blackboard. Enter the Bender's behind him.]\n\nBENDER 1\nHey man look what I snagged from the\nleprachaun universe!\n\n[He opens his chest cabinet and pulls out a crock o' gold.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah leprachaun universe is fine...if\nyou haven't seen pirate universe!\n\n[He pulls out a treasure chest. Bender 1 gasps.]\n\nBENDER 1\nFaith and begota!\n\n[They leave. Farnsworth XVII turns around from the blackoard.]\n\nFARNSWORTH XVII\nQuae?\n\n[Universe 420. Enter the Zoidbergs.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nQuick, into another box!\n\nZOIDBERG 1\nThere aren't any in this universe there\naren't. Hey you, what with the no boxes?\n\n[This universe is populated by hippies.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 420\nBaby they're somewhere, everything's\nlike somewhere! Place is kinda au natural\nright now.\n\n[Enter Farnsworth A and Farnsworth 1.]\n\nFARNSWORTH 1\nThere they are!\n\n[The Zoidbergs scream. Farnsworth takes the parabox to Universe\nA away from them.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGotcha!\n\nFARNSWORTH 420\nDig it! All of you living in this boxed\nis like seriously freaked up!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNonsense, why there's a whole universe\nin there.\n\nFARNSWORTH 420\nDude, there's a universe in all of us.\n\n[Amy 420 puts her arms around him.]\n\nAMY 420\nRight on Professor Freaksworth!\n\n[Farnsworth 420 offers Farnsworth a flower.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGet a job! (shouting into the parabox)\nWe've got the box. Everyone pull your\nwires.\n\n[They pull them and they are reeled in.]\n\n[Universe 1: Farnsworth's Lab. Everyone flies in and hits their\nheads on the lab table.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHurry! Back to Universe A!\n\n[The A's and 1's jump into the box.]\n\n[Ships Ejection Port. The ship has arrived at the sun and Hermes\nprepares to eject the box. He pushes it through the slot into\nthe airlock and his finger hovers over the eject button. The\nA's and 1's jump out of the box. They are trapped in the airlock.\nFarnsworth pounds on the glass.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHermes don't press that button!\n\n[Hermes thinks about it for a while.]\n\nHERMES\nOK.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew all say goodbye to their\nparallel selves.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo long your majesty!\n\n[Zoidberg 1 climbs into the box. Fry 1 and Leela 1 kiss and climb\nin.]\n\nFRY\nThere but for the flip of a coin go\nwe. So uh Leela, seeing how the universe\nwasn't destroyed, you wanna catch an\nape fight? Y'know? Together?\n\nLEELA\nWell, I guess you deserve one more flip.\n\n[She flips the coin.]\n\nFRY\nSo? Heads or tails?\n\n[Leela looks at the coin.]\n\nLEELA\nY'know, lets just say it's heads.\n\n[Fry smiles. Farnsworth reaches into the parabox and Farnsworth\n1's hand comes out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nReady?\n\n[The paraboxes fold into each other. Farnsworth now holds the\nblue box.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere. That space-time inversion has\ngiven us their box and vice-versa!\n\nLEELA\nSo what you think you just explain to\nus is that -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nCorrect! This box contains our own universe!\n\n[Everyone gasps.]\n\nHERMES\nSweet honey bee of infinity!\n\n[Bender takes the box from Farnsworth and shakes it. The building\nshakes.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, quit destroying the universe!\n\n[She snatches the box away and the room shakes again.]\n\nBENDER\nBut...aw!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes, all that is and ever shall be is\nin that box! And the box itself is probably\nworth something too. We must cherish\nit, as we cherish every moment of our\nlives.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg, Bender and Leela are sat on\nthe couch. Bender changes the channel. Enter Fry with a beer.\nHe sees there is no space left on the couch so he sits on the\nparabox. The universe goes all squishy.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Three-Hundred-Big-Boys.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 511\n\n\"THREE HUNDRED BIG BOYS\"\n\nBy\n\nEric Kaplan\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Voted \"Best.\"]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew watch a television news\nprogram.]\n\nANNOUNCER [ON TV]\nThis week in the universe... Dateline\nTurantulon 6: The brave warriors of\nEarth under the command of General Major\nWeeblo Zapp Brannigan have achieved\nvictory over the spider homeworld.\nAnd to the victor belong the spoils\n- one trillion dollars in silken treasure.\n\n[Zapp strokes a silk suit.]\n\nZAPP [ON TV]\nMmm!\n\n[The scene changes to Nixon outside a building making an announcement.]\n\nNIXON [ON TV]\nMy fellow Earthicans. After meeting\nwith top voodoo economists, I have decided\nto refund our silk surplus to you, the\ntaxpayers. That's right! I've sent you\neach 300 buckeroos in the form of a\ntricky dick fun bill. Knock yourselves\nout!\n\n[The programs ends and the crew cheer.]\n\nAMY\nI'm slightly richer!\n\nBENDER\nWhat to do what to do? One $300 hookerbot\nor 300 $1 hookerbots?\n\nLEELA\nI'm going to swim with the whale! They're\nthe gentle giants of the deep.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm well aware of that.\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy's gonna get himself one of them\n$300 haircuts. This ones lost it's pizazz!\n\nZOIDBERG\nA fortune it is! At last, Zoidberg will\nlive like a rich man!\n\n[He kisses the $300. Nixon squirms on it.]\n\nNIXON [ON BILL]\nHey, cut it out! Go away! Get away from\nme!\n\nAMY\nShmeesh! It's just 300 bucks, what is\nthat, like a hundred cups of coffee?\n\nFRY\nThat's it! I'm getting a hundred cups\nof coffee! Starting now. Coffee machine,\none cup of coffee please.\n\n[He puts the $300 into the machine and it takes $3 off, leaving\nhim with $297.]\n\nNIXON [ON BILL]\nSmells good!\n\n[Fry takes a sip of the coffee. His first. Zapp appears on the\nscreen.]\n\nZAPP [ON SCREEN]\nLeela? Are you there?\n\nLEELA\nNo.\n\nZAPP [ON SCREEN]\nOh yes you are! I'm hereby inviting\nyou and your oddball co-workers to a\nspecial reception to display the national\nsilk surplus. I believe you know the\nheroic space stallion who captured it.\nShow them my medal Kif.\n\n[Kif points at a medal on Zapp's chest.]\n\nKIF [ON SCREEN]\nHe rented it with his tax refund.\n\nZAPP [ON SCREEN]\nSo Leela, will you have the pleasure.\n\nLEELA\nWhat little there is to be had.\n\nZAPP [ON SCREEN]\nTomorrow night at eight them. Smoochies!\n\n[He kisses the screen.]\n\n[Street. People wander around enjoying their $300. The 99c Store\nchanges it's name to 299.99c Store and a crack addict wanders\nout of an alley kissing his money.]\n\nCRACK ADDICT\nNo cheap crack houses for me no more!\n\n[Cut to: Outside Crack Mansion. The crack addict hands a man\nhis $300.]\n\nMAN\nVery good sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's\ncrack pipe?\n\n[Above the crack mansion a peddle-plane flies over.]\n\n[Cut to: Peddle Plane. Amy and Kif are riding it. Kif is struggling.]\n\nAMY\nOh Kif, it was so romantic of you to\nrent this peddle plane with your tax\nrebate. We're like two dandelion seeds\nwafting on the breeze.\n\nKIF (GASPING)\nYes...seeds...wafting.\n\nAMY\nI almost feel kinda shallow for blowing\nmy rebate on this cool talking tattoo!\n\nTATTOO\nHey Gordon Gecko! I cost as much as\nthis whole crummy date!\n\nAMY\nShut up! Ow!\n\n[Geneworks. Farnsworth talks to a woman at a desk.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAs a man it has become too much of a\nchore for me to clean out my wrinkles\neach day. Is it true that stem cells\nmay fight the aging process?\n\nGENEWORKS WOMAN\nWell yes, in the same way an infant\nmay fight Muhammed Ali! But -\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOne pound of stem cells please.\n\n[He slaps his $300 on the desk and the woman gives him a tub\nof stem cells.]\n\nGENEWORKS WOMAN\nOf course any age reversing effects\nwill be purely temporary.\n\n[She gags and turns away as Farnsworth slaps the stem cell cream\non his face.]\n\n[Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender peruses the fine merchandise\nwithin. He looks at some Dutch Butts for $1.99 but is more excited\nby the Royal Kooparillo for $300. He looks across at a cigar\nin a glass case, Le Grand Cigar, $10,000.]\n\nBENDER\nSay buddy, why's this grand cigar so\npricy?\n\nCLERK\nWell, as you can see, it's wrapper is\na piece of the original US constitution.\nIt was hand rolled by Queen Elizabeth\nduring her wild years and was buried\nwith George Burns until graverobbing\nspace mushrooms - uh, well you know\nthe rest.\n\nBENDER\nGive me 300 bucks worth!\n\nCLERK\nNo can do.\n\nBENDER\nOh alright, I'll just take these $300\nburglars tools then.\n\nCLERK\nVery good sir.\n\nBENDER\nSo uh, what time d'you close tonight?\n\n[Outside The Conrads' House. Dwight sits on the steps and smiles\nas Hermes arrives with a box behind his back.]\n\nDWIGHT\nHey pops! Did that tax rebate come?\n\nHERMES\nCame and went! You're now the proud\nowner of Bamboo Boogie Boots! With\na warning label this big you know they\ngotta be fun!\n\nDWIGHT\nBut pops, I don't wanna have fun, I\nwanna be like you. Boring but prudently\ninvested.\n\nHERMES\nBabylon's bells! I tallyed almost 300\nbananas on this entertainment product.\nNow you put 'em on and have fun!\n\nDWIGHT (SHOUTING)\nI don't wanna.\n\nHERMES\nWell then I'm gonna put 'em on and make\nyou watch me have fun! See? Fun! Fun!\nDwight! Help me!\n\nDWIGHT\nI'll save you pops!\n\n[He climbs the bamboo and hangs on to Hermes' feet. Hermes starts\nto lose his balance and he stumbles down the road still wearing\nthe boots. Cars swerves to avoid him and honk their horns.]\n\n[Outside Geneworks. Farnsworth comes out of the building looking\nyounger. He sees a group of younger people standing around a\ncar listening to loud music.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHey! Turn that damn music......up!\n\n[Hermes and Dwight stumble past on the bamboo boots.]\n\nHERMES\nIsn't this fun?\n\nDWIGHT\nNo! I wish I had two mommies!\n\n[They walks past a jewellery shop called Diamonds Are Forever.]\n\n[Diamonds Are Forever. Randy hands a cushion with jewellery on\nit to Zoidberg.]\n\nRANDY\nTry these, um, sir.\n\n[Zoidberg puts the rings on his mouth flaps and looks at himself\nin the mirror.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI ask for rich guy stuff and you give\nme shiny pebbles? Bah! I bid you adieu!\n\n[He shakes the rings off and they hit Randy on the head.]\n\nRANDY\nOw!\n\n[Zoidberg looks scared, woops and scuttles out.]\n\n[Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. Leela is at a stand next to a\nwhale tank.]\n\nLEELA\nI'd like a pass to swim with Mushu please.\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nWell you asked the right guy! I'm the\nwhale biologist! Though personally I\nhate whales. (whispering) Espeically\nMushu.\n\nLEELA\nThen why'd you become a whale biologist?\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nI don't know you well enough to get\ninto that. $300 please. Noon tomorrow.\nIf you're late you only get to tread\nwater in the scallop tank.\n\n[Leela takes her pass and leaves.]\n\n[Cut to: Brooklyn Aquarium: Starfishbucks Coffee. Fry waits in\nline for a cup of coffee.]\n\nFRY\nUh, I'll have a coffee.\n\nMAN\nGuppy, trout, mermaid or -\n\nFRY\nWhale please.\n\n[The man pours the coffee and Fry drinks it.]\n\n[Peddle Plane. Amy and Kif fly over the Aquarium.]\n\nKIF (GASPING)\nAmy, I-I also spent some of my tax rebate\non a gift for you.\n\nAMY\nOh Kiffie!\n\n[She opens the box. It is a watch with two faces.]\n\nKIF\nIt shows the time wherever we both are.\nAnd it's powered by love! Also you have\nto wind it.\n\nTATTOO\nOhh! Somebody won big at Skeeball!\n\nAMY\nYou shut up! I love it Kif. I'll use\nit whenever I wanna know what time it\nis. Ooo! It's Fry and Leela! (shouting)\nHi Fry and Leela!\n\n[The paddle plane lurches forward and starts falling. Kif screams.]\n\nKIF\nOh! Keep peddling! Oh for the love of\nGod keep peddling!\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Leela. Leela screams and Fry gurgles his coffee.]\n\n[Cut to: Peddle Plane. They get closer and closer to the ground.\nThe plane turns the right way right at the last minute and swoops\nover people's heads. They scream. The peddle plane flies over\nMushu's tank. Kif wipes his brow and breathes a sigh of relief.\nAmy leans over backwards again and waves.]\n\nAMY (SHOUTING)\nBye Fry and Leela!\n\n[The peddle plane tilts sideways and the watch starts to slide\nof the front of it. Kif panics. The watch slips off and he sighs.\nMushu leaps up out of the water and eats the watch. The crowd\napplauds.]\n\nTATTOO\nOh I can't wait until the tattoos on\nAmy's butt hear about this!\n\nBUTT TATTOOS\nHear about what? Tell us!\n\n[A horse tattoo neighs.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Kif cries.]\n\nAMY\nDon't feel sad my little tadpole.\n\nKIF (CRYING)\nI'm trying not to. But my gift to you\nis in the belly of a whale.\n\nZOIDBERG\nSay, this reminds me of that time I\nate that other watch Kif gave you!\n\nAMY\nHey, it is kinda like that!\n\nZOIDBERG\nTo induce vomitting, that was the solution!\nEverywhere it went! What a Valentine's\nDay that was!\n\n[Leela looks at her Mushu pass.]\n\nLEELA\nHmm, this may seem like a huge coincidence\nbut I happen to have it in with that\nwhale!\n\nSCRUFFY\nScruffy's formulated a plan. But you'll\nneed a ready source of nausiatin' rotten\nfish.\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. In the restaurant Fry, Leela, Kif and\nAmy sit around a table with a huge fish in the middle. Enter\nElzar.]\n\nELZAR\nFreshen your coffee sir?\n\nFRY\nYeah yeah yeah keep it comin' put the\npot down get away!\n\n[He drinks the coffee. His 31st cup. Leela gets up and goes somewhere.\nElsewhere in the restaurant Farnsworth is having dinner with\nthe woman from earlier.]\n\nWOMAN\nYou're so young in spirit! Its hard\nto believe you're as old as 25.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe key is to grab life by the hojos!\nLive every day like it might be your\nlast!\n\nELZAR\nWhat'll it be kids?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOne bowl of mild verena.\n\n[Cut to: Elzar's Kitchen. Enter Leela. She opens the fresh fish\nfreezer door and looks inside.]\n\nLEELA\nPay dirt! Heyya!\n\n[Cut to: Restaurant. Leela casually strolls out of the kitchen\nwhistling. And sits down. Elzar serves food to Zoidberg.]\n\nELZAR\nHere you go big spender: Foie gras and\ncaviar!\n\n[Zoidberg sniffs the food.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nGoose liver? Fish eggs? Pah! Where's\nthe goose? Where's the fish?\n\nELZAR\nHey, that's what rich people eat. The\ngarbage parts of the food.\n\nZOIDBERG\nI ate garbage yesterday and it didn't\ncost me $300! I'm not paying. Farewell\ngood sir!\n\n[He leaves with a very upper-class scuttle and woop.]\n\n[Outside Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. On the roof Bender shines\na torch onto a grate. He cuts it open and starts to lower himself\nthrough it.]\n\n[Cut to: Hacking Jack's Fine Smokables. Bender lowers himself\nfrom the roof a la Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible and stops\njust above the case containing the $10,000 cigar. He gets a diamond\nout of his chest cavity and cuts through the glass with it then\nthrows the diamond in the bin. He reaches in and takes out the\ncigar.]\n\nBENDER\nLe Grand Cigar! She's mine! And with\nabsolutely no consequences!\n\n[He evily cackles and raises himself out of the room. In the\ncorner a security camera watches him. The signal goes along a\nwire, down a dark tunnel, through the sewers where El Chupanibre\nterrorises the leg mutant, up a pole and through a dark hole.]\n\n[Cut to: Police Station. Smitty watches what's going on on URL's\nchest.]\n\nSMITTY\nYou see that?\n\nURL\nGrand theft tobacco. Sounds like we\nshould get off our fat cop asses and\nride!\n\n[The siren comes out of his head.]\n\n[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The next morning Hermes and Dwight\nare still walking around on the bamboo boots but now they are\nasleep. Elzar comes out the back door of the restaurant with\na crate of fish.]\n\nELZAR\nPee-yew! This fish is slightly too rotten\nto even make jambolaya!\n\n[He pours the fish into a dumpster and leaves. The dumpster lid\nswings open and Leela and Amy climb out with the fish in a net.]\n\nAMY (WHISPERING)\nSo far so good. Where's Kif?\n\n[Behind them Kif groans as he is dragged along inside the net.]\n\n[Guadalajara Brown Drip Gourment Coffee. Fry is jittery as he\nhas an early morning cup of coffee. He drinks his 51st cup.]\n\nFRY (SHOUTING)\nThis isn't Yemeni! It's Sulowesi! And\nthe cup's shaking I don't want my coffee\nshaking!\n\nBENDER\nYou seem a tad wound up buddy. And your\nface is greasy! Real greasy. You been\nup all night?\n\nFRY\nOf course I've been up all night! Not\nbecause of caffine it was insomnia I\ncouldn't stop thinking about coffee\nI need a nap. Coffee time!\n\n[He gulps down his 52nd cup. Bender gets out his cigar and sniffs\nit.]\n\nBENDER\nAh! Mighty fine smokable!\n\nFRY\nFancy cigar why don't you smoke it already?\nPuff puff go go go go go!\n\nBENDER\nNah, you can't blow smoke from such\na majestic stogy in just anyone's face.\nI'm saving it for the fancy pants at\nZapp Brannigan's black tie reception.\nYou comin'?\n\n[Fry nods jitterily.]\n\n[Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. Leela is kitted out in a swimming\ncostume and flippers. The rotten fish is packed into her costume.]\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nAnd the fifth reason whales kill is\nfor the sheer fun of it.\n\nLEELA\nAnything else?\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nYeah. You're lumpy and you smell awful.\nHey, I calls 'em like I sees 'em! I'm\na whale biologist.\n\n[Leela turns to the tank.]\n\nLEELA\nOK Mushu, its feeding time! Oh crud,\nhe ate my suit!\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nThe suit was ugly - whale biologist!\n\n[Golf Club. Zoidberg swings at the ball but repeatedly misses.]\n\nCADDY\nPerhaps if you tightened your grip sir?\n\nZOIDBERG\nAh. Thank you golf slave! Bah! Rich\npople wouldn't waste their time on this\nnonsense! Plus, these eggs are gritty\nand tasteless!\n\n[He spits out three golf balls and whacks them with the half\nclub.]\n\n[Cut to: Picnic Site. Farnsworth and the woman are kissing. One\nof Zoidberg's balls hits Farnsworth on the head.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOw! Not so rough!\n\n[Brooklyn Aquarium: Whale Tank. The show has started and the\nstands are full of people. Kif, Amy and Bender are already there.\nLeela arrives wrapped in the Please Do Not Feed The Whale sign\nand gives the thumbs up. The orphans sit in front of them.]\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nLadies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu!\nThe educated whale who thinks he's better\nthan you!\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nAMY\nC'mon Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman!\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nAnd now ignorant whale lovers, we'll\nsee who's boss as I make Mushu jump\nthrough this hoop. Jump Mushu! Who\nwants a fish?\n\n[Mushu throws up and the crowd gasps.]\n\nLITTLE ORPHAN\nMushu is sick!\n\n[Smity and URL stand aghast as Bender sneaks out behind them.]\n\nURL\nIt just keep comin' and comin'!\n\nKIF\nWait, that chunk, its the watch! I\ngot it Amy! I got it! The plan went\noff without a -\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nHe's got Aquarium property! Stop him!\n\nURL\nBetter do what he says. He's a whale\nbiologist!\n\n[He lifts Kif out of the water.]\n\nSMITTY\nYou're under arrest you squishy punk!\n\n[Smitty puts the cuffs on Kif and he drops the watch. He sighs.\nMushu sicks up Leela's swimming costume.]\n\n[Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Two people walk inside. Two\nhobos try to follow them but a forcefield stops them and the\nfall over.]\n\n[Cut to: Silk Surplus Reception. Zapp tells his story to Mom\nand her sons and Mayor Poopenmeyer.]\n\nZAPP\nThe Spiderians, though weak and woman-like\non the battlefield, are masters of the\ntextile arts. Taste like king crab by\nthe way. Crazy bugs actually wove this\ntapestry of my heroic conquest while\nI was still killing them!\n\n[Zoidberg scratches the tapestry and sniffs it.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhat? It's not even scratch and sniff?\nBut if rich people think it's good,\nI'll buy it! One art please!\n\n[Mom laughs.]\n\nMOM\nWhat a clever impersonation of a stupid\npoor person! How much is that placemat\nactually worth Brannigan?\n\nZAPP\nExactly $1 billion!\n\nMOM\nNow that's walkin' around money!\n\n[She blows her nose on her $300.]\n\nNIXON [ON BILL]\nWhat? Hey! Wait! Arooo!\n\n[Zoidberg looks on sadly. Over on the other side of the room\nan even jitterier Fry just about manages to pour himself another\ncup of coffee. He drinks his 99th cup. Bender \"enjoys\" a conversation\nwith Judge Whitey.]\n\nWHITEY\nSo I said to Kitty \"The only way to\nkeep the butler from running away is\nto cut off his foot!\" Yes, it reminds\nme of a joke I heard about upper-middle\nclass people.\n\n[Bender blows smoke in his face and he coughs. Elsewhere Amy\nand Scruffy talk.]\n\nAMY (CRYING)\nI've never been sad at a party before.\nI wonder if my mind is thinking about\nKif being in jail.\n\nSCRUFFY\nJail's not so bad. You can make sangria\nin the terlet! Course its shank or beshanked.\n\nAMY (CRYING)\nOf course.\n\n[Commander Riker Prison. Kif paces around in his cell still covered\nin the whale sick.]\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nLook, just give back the property and\nwe'll drop the charges.\n\nKIF\nFine, have the watch. It's broken anyway.\n\n[He throws the watch but a forcefield stops it from going through\nthe bars and it bounces back and hits him on the head.]\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nI don't want your watch. You're covered\nin precious ambergris.\n\nKIF\nPrecious ambergris?\n\n[The whale biologist sighs and presses a button on his belt.\nA holographic image of Roseanne appears.]\n\nHOLO-ROSEANNE\nAmbergris. Noun. A grease-like product\nof the sperm whale's digestive tract\nthat is used as a base in the finest\nperfumes. This has been Roseanne, your\nguide to the world of facts.\n\n[The holo-encyclopedia shuts off.]\n\nWHALE BIOLOGIST\nYou heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless\nambergris and I'll let you go!\n\nKIF\nOr better yet I'll simply shed my skin!\n\n[He struggles as he takes it off.]\n\n[Silk Surplus Reception. Morbo's wife fiddles with his bow tie.]\n\nMORBO\nStop it! Stop it! It's fine! I will\ndestroy you!\n\n[Bender walks past and blows smoke in their faces. They cough.\nUnderneath a giant spider dress Farnsworth and his girlfriend\nmake out. A bell tolls.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha? Uh, gotta go, uh fight club!\n\n[He runs out from underneath the dress and covers his face. His\ngirlfriend follows.]\n\nWOMAN\nWhat's happening Hubie?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm afraid the face you fell in love\nwith was actually just a blob of living\ngunk I bought with my tax refund.\n\n[The stem cells slide away.]\n\nWOMAN\nWell as long as we're being honest,\nI also spent my tax refund on a crazy\ntreatment.\n\n[She pulls a plug out of her belly button and she swells up.\nShe is really a huge fat woman.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat certainly is honest.\n\nWOMAN\nIt better for us both to just be ourselves.\nYou, wrinkled as a prune.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou, fat as the Queen of Seacows.\n\nWOMAN\nI love you!\n\n[They kiss and she falls on him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my!\n\n[On the other side of the room Leela is now talking to Whitey\nand Kif is reunited with Amy.]\n\nKIF\nSo you see the putrid waxy substance\nI was coated with was -\n\nAMY\nNot precious ambergris?\n\nKIF\nYes! And I managed to sneak some out\nin a usual place! Ta-da! Using that,\nI'll make you a perfume of lilac and\njasmine and frankenberry!\n\nAMY\nOh Kif, it's so romantic I can't even\nwait! I'm gonna wear it right now!\n\n[She puts some on. Her tattoo splutters. Everyone else chokes\nat he stench.]\n\nMOM\nWho smells like freaking porpus hork?\n\nAMY\nI do! Kiss me Kif!\n\n[They kiss. Zoidberg slinks out sadly.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Zoidberg walks out through\nthe fire exit and sits on a dustbin.]\n\nZOIDBERG (CRYING)\nOh what a foolish squid I've been. I'm\nnot rich! I can't even buy one measley\nmasterpiece!\n\n[He cries. The hobos approach him.]\n\nHOBO #1\nPardon us gent. Might a couple of hungry\nhungry hobos take a feed from that aluminium\nsnack box?\n\n[Zoidberg gets off the bin and the hobos rummage through it.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo now I'm in the gutter? Surrounded\nby bums who eat garbage. Money brought\nme no happiness. Bupkiss!\n\nHOBO #2\nOoo this boot's got a little pudding\nat the bottom!\n\n[He licks it off.]\n\n[Silk Surplus Reception. Bender and Leela talk to Ben Beeler.]\n\nBEELER\nInterestingly, the Spiderians are more\nclosely related to our elephants than\nour spiders.\n\n[Bender blows smoke inhis face and he coughs. Bender chuckles\nthen gasps as Hermes and Dwight enter via the window, still walking\naround on the bamboo boots.]\n\nHERMES (SHOUTING)\nDon't mind us!\n\n[The start to go off balance and one of the bamboo legs knocks\nBender's cigar out of his hand. It spins through the air and\nsets fire to the tapestry. Other things catch on fire too.]\n\nNIXON\nThe loot! The loot! The loot is on fire!\n\nZAPP\nLeela! My precious rock tub! I'll save\nyou!\n\n[He runs towards her but gets caught in a Spiderian web.]\n\nKIF\nEveryone! To the fire door!\n\nLEELA\nIt's on fire!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWe're trapped my sweet hippopotamus!\n\n[Amid the chaos Fry still finds time for a drink.]\n\nFRY\nCoffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee\ncoffee coffee coffee coffee!\n\n[He drinks the rest of the jug and his heartbeat rapidly increases.\nIt's his hundredth cup. He enters a slowed down bullet-time world\n\u00e0 la The Matrix. He gazes around the room. A champagne cork slowly\nshoots out the top of a bottle. Outside, a hummingbird's wings\nbeat slowly \u00e0 la the hummingbird in Star Trek: Insurrection.\nFry blows out the fire that has engulfed Leela's shoe, picks\nher up and carries her away. Hermes and Dwight are in mid-fall.\nFry picks them up, throws them over his shoulder and carries\nthem out. He carries a few more people out. Kif is slowly blowing\nout the fire on Bender's burning arm. Fry squeezes his cheeks\nand the flames go away. He puts Bender, Kif and Amy onto the\nsofa with everyone else and wheels it out into the alley through\nthe fire door. He picks up a fire extinguisher and quickly puts\nout the flames.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Silk Surplus Reception. Everyone looks around,\nwondering where they are.]\n\nDWIGHT\nWhere are we pops?\n\nWOMAN\nWhat happened to the food?\n\nLEELA\nI think we were saved by a mysterious\norange blur.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWelcome one and all. I finally figured\nout how money could make me happy! By\nusing it to buy my hungry friends a\nfeast!\n\n[Behind him the hobos cheer.]\n\nHOBO #2\nEveryone join us. Oysters rockafeller\nhere has provided genuine turkey dogs!\n\nWHITEY\nHeck, you're never too rich to enjoy\na free turkey dog!\n\n[The rich people cheer.]\n\nWOMAN\nI'll take four!\n\nLEELA\nMe too!\n\nMOM\nOh what the hell!\n\n[Everyone sits down and eats. Zoidberg puts a pack of Gobble\nWieners on a barbecue.]\n\nHERMES\nHere Dwight, $299 and 99 cents. You\ninvest this penny like you want it.\n\nDWIGHT\nThanks Dad. I'm gonna take this and\nbuy five shares of amazon.com!\n\nHERMES\nA risk taker? That's my boy!\n\n[Poopenmeyer walks out of the building carrying Nixon's head.]\n\nNIXON\nThe entire surplus has gone! What a\nmuguvern I've been! Why did I have to\nissue that crooked tax rebate?\n\nLEELA\nAt least we got a few mildly interesting\nstories out of it.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh my yes!\n\nBENDER\nSpeaking of which, my story kinda peetered\nout without me learning a lesson!\n\n[He laughs. Enter Smitty and URL.]\n\nSMITTY\nThere he is!\n\n[Bender panics. They grab him and bash him with their lightsabers.]\n\nBENDER\nAll right! Closure!\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Spanish-Fry.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 512\n\n\"SPANISH FRY\"\n\nBy\n\nRon Weiner\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. A remixed version of theme tune is performed.\nCaption: Thanks For Watching, Futurama Slave Army (in AL1).]\n\n[The Planet Express ship flies over Duraflame National Forest\nand lands at a camping site.]\n\n[Forest. The entire Planet Express staff are on a company outing\nand are hiking through the woods.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh Lord. Hiking is always such a strain\non the buttocks.\n\n[He isn't actually walking, he is sat on a giant pair of legs\nabout 5ft high. A noise noises.]\n\nFRY\nShh! What was that sound?\n\nBENDER\nIt wasn't a bird's nest falling. That\nsounds like this. Aww, they're so cute\nwhen they're scared!\n\nFRY\nI meant the sound Bigfoot just made.\nHe's been sighted a lot in this area\nrecently. Just last week a blind hiker\nfelt him!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't tell me you actually believe in\nBigfoot you blathering ninny-hammer!\n\nFRY\nOf course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing\nup, he was the celebrity I most identified\nwith.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWhy?\n\nFRY\n'Cause he was a loner who hated the\npopular monsters yet longed to be one.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(sadly) I can so relate to that.\n\n[He cries and hugs Leela. She isn't impressed.]\n\nLEELA\nUgh, enough emotions! This isn't a fat\ncamp for God sake. (quietly) Though\nyou wouldn't know it from looking.\n\n[Campsite. The crew set up camp. Zoidberg eats something, Leela\nand Amy set up their pop-up tent, Fry hammers his tent pegs into\nthe ground with a frying pan and Bender lazes around with his\narms and legs tied round a tree so it looks like he is lying\nin a hammock.]\n\nBENDER\nAhh!\n\nZOIDBERG\nBender, if you want to sleep in the\ntent tonight, you're welcome to join\nme and Hermes for a little \"just friends\"\nspooning.\n\nBENDER\nNah, I'm comfy out here under the stars.\nReal comfy!\n\n[Ranger Station. The Planet Express employees and other campers\nare gathered in the log building. The ranger has set up a projection\nscreen at the front of the room and they all sit on rowed benches.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nHey I'm Ranger Park the park ranger.\n\nFRY\nI get it!\n\nRANGER PARK\nNow since this area's a National Bigfoot\nReserve we'll start with a short film\nabout Bigfoot while I make a few phonecalls.\n\n[He dims the lights and turns on the projector. \"Bigfoot\" appears\non the screen.]\n\nFRY\nThat proves it!\n\n[In the movie the Clearcutter cuts down some trees.]\n\n[Park talks on the phone at the back of the room.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nIt should say \"Top Quality Exercycle\nFor Sale\" and could you put \"Top Quality\"\nin bold...? You can't? OK whatever.\n\n[In the movie someone photographs the woods.]\n\n[The movie ends with \"The End\" and \"MMCMLXII - Most Rights Reserved.\"\nPark hangs up.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nI-I gotta call you back. Alright, questions?\n\nSAL\nYeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?\n\nRANGER PARK\nTechnically no. But I do see him each\nnight in my dreams and each day in the\nsilent faces of hairy children.\n\n[Farnsworth stands up and shakes his fist.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me\na bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or\nshut up!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nShut up!\n\n[Bender stands up and points out the window.]\n\nBENDER\nOh my God its Bigfoot!\n\n[Park holds up a camera and autograph book and runs to the window.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nWhere?\n\nBENDER\nEh he's gone. He says you should keep\nwasting your life though.\n\nPETUNIA\nOh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the\ncounty fair!\n\nRANGER PARK\nWhat you saw was Bigfoot the monster\ntruck. But thanks for a great question.\n\nPETUNIA\nOhh...\n\n[She walks out muttering. Fry puts his hand up.]\n\nFRY\nSir, if I may, why don't you set up\nlike a billion video cameras in the\nwoods and see if he walks by one.\n\nRANGER PARK\nAh, that would be very expensive. And\nmost people who believe in Bigfoot are\nbroke.\n\nBENDER\nHey look! Bigfoot! He's back!\n\n[Park falls for it again.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nWhere?\n\nBENDER\nUp your face! Everybody do the Bender!\n\n[And he does.]\n\n[Campsite. Night has fallen. Leela and Amy lie on a blanket while\nthe others sit around the fire.]\n\nAMY\nThe sky out here is amazing. Look at\nall those satellites.\n\n[The satellites fly around the sky like shooting stars. A Bachelor\nChow ad flies by along with a Drink Shiz! ad and one that reads\nTop Quality Exercycle For Sale.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Everyone has turned in for the night.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGoodnight employess.\n\n[He disappears into his tent.]\n\nHERMES\nGoodnight.\n\nZOIDBERG\nGoodnight Hubert.\n\n[He and Hermes' silhouettes lie down. Amy's nude silhouette zips\nclosed her and Leela's tent. Leela's silhouette sprays her boots\nwith something. Fry pokes his head of his tent.]\n\nFRY\nYou doin' alright out there buddy?\n\n[Bender's head lights up like an insectocutor.]\n\nBENDER\nBetter than these gnats! That guy won't\nbe goin' home to his kids!\n\n[Time Lapse. Everyone is sound asleep. Bender shivers and rotates\nhis head around him like an owl. Something coos.]\n\nBENDER\nWho's that? A wolf? Or some kind of\nboogen? Oh God I wish I was safe inside\na tent. (deep voice) Fry, Fry wake\nup! It's me! Bigface!\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Tent. Fry wakes up.]\n\n[Cut to: Campsite. Fry emerges from his tent brushing his teeth.]\n\nFRY\nBigfoot? Bigfoot?\n\n[He runs off into the woods. Bender emerges from the rock, chuckling.\nHe crawls into Fry's tent, crawls around panting like a dog and\nfinally lies down and turns out the light.]\n\n[Cut to: Forest.]\n\nFRY\nBigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the\nothers Bigfoot. I see through your monster\ncoatings to the gentle loner inside.\nI bet you have a wounded racoon friend\nthat you tenderly nurse back to health\nand go......and in the end they shoot\nyou. But you teach us about things.\nOh, it's a flying saucer. (shouting)\nExcuse me? You can't park here. The\nparking area's over there. Wow nice\ntube! Hey. Hey what's the big idea?\nStop abducting me. Why does your vanity\nplate say \"Probe 1\"?\n\n[He screams as he disappears inside the ship. The pipe retracts\nback into the ship and it heads skyward.]\n\n[Campsite. Morning has broken. Everyone crawls out of their tents\nand yawn and stretch. Leela walks down the river and dunks her\nhands in.]\n\nLEELA\nThere's nothing so refreshing as the\nclean, crisp taste of old Canadian beer!\n\n[She pulls a bottle out of the river and downs it. Hermes juggles\na toilet roll in his hands.]\n\nHERMES\nWell, see you in an hour. I gotta go\ndo some business behind that tree.\n\n[Behind the tree Hermes attaches the toilet roll to a calculator\nand does some business - calculations. Bender struggles inside\nFry's tent and finally rips it apart and stands up.]\n\nAMY\nBender, wasn't that Fry's tent?\n\n[Bender makes mocking noises.]\n\nLEELA\nBender raises a good point, where is\nFry?\n\n[Cut to: Forest. Fry stumbles through the thicket with his back\nturned \u00e0 la The Blair Witch Project. A rat pokes its head out\nof a packet of Cheez Nubs and screams.]\n\n[Cut to: Campsite. Fry reaches the edge of the woods and walks\ninto the campsite, still with his back turned. He sounds like\nhis nose is blocked.]\n\nFRY\nAmy, you won't believe what happened......it\nwas so scary that you wouldn't - I\nknow but listen it gets even scarier.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nFry! What in Sega Genesis happened to\nyou?\n\nFRY\nThat's what I'm trying to tell you.\nSee - Why are you all staring at me\nlike that? Is there something on my\nface?\n\nHERMES\nUh...no.\n\n[Fry has no nose.]\n\nLEELA\nSomeone should tell him.\n\nFRY\nTell me what?\n\nLEELA\nNothing.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWell I have a lot of experience telling\npatients bad news so, let me break it\nto him gently. (shouting) Fry you have\nno nose! Your nose is gone! You have\nno nose on your face! Where it is I\ncan't say but on your face it's not!\n\nFRY\nWhat?\n\n[He pokes his face and looks at his refelction in Bender's door.\nHe screams.]\n\nBENDER\nAww, I think it's sweet! You chopped\noff your nose so you could look more\nlike your hero. Me, Bender!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhich last night?\n\nFRY\nIn the woods, I was walking. For Bigfoot,\nlooking and then aliens beamed me up.\n\nAMY\nWere they little grey dudes with big\noval heads? I don't get that gesture.\nAm I wrong?\n\nZOIDBERG\nCheer up friend. When we get home a\nhigh quality prosthesis will have you\nlooking good as new.\n\n[Fry smiles.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is sat at the table wearing\njoke glasses, nose and moustache.]\n\nFRY\nI'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.\n\n[Hermes laughs.]\n\nHERMES\nMan, you are such a jokester!\n\nFRY\nI'll never have another moment of happiness.\n\n[Everyone else falls about laughing.]\n\nLEELA\nI know you're trying to mask your pain\nwith humour but don't worry. I'm sure\nthe Professor can clone you a new nose.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell there's no sense fretting. Good\nLord you're ugly! The fact is your nose\nis gone and we'll never find out who\ndid it or why.\n\n[Enter Bender panting and gasping.]\n\nBENDER\n(gasping) Guys, guys! There's something\non television.\n\n[Spin to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew sit and stand, watching\na news report.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nAlien abductions: Until now, a harmless\nnuisance. But recently they've taken\non a sinister dimension as unsuspecting\nvictims are returned...without noses!\n\n[Behind her a picture of a normal man changes to a picture of\na man with no nose.]\n\nFRY\nLike me!\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nThe culprits: Shameless poachers, hunting\nhumans without a permit.\n\n[The scene on TV changes to a picture of a grey alien with a\ngun over his shoulder. He holds a nose. Back to the studio.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nThe valuable nose or \"human horn\" fetches\na high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.\n\nFRY\nMy nose is an aphrodisiac? I'm gonna\ndrop a barf!\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nDemand for human horn is great. Due\nin part to titilating scenes from depraved\nalien TV programmes too filthy for Earth\nbroadcast. Let's watch.\n\n[The scene changes to two Neptunian lovers on a bed together.\nThe man holds up a cushion with two human horns on it. The woman\ngasps.]\n\n[He grates a horn onto her shoulder and licks it off. They make\nout. Fry turns the TV off.]\n\nFRY\nBlech! We have to track down my nose\nbefore some alien snarfs it and does\nthe worm. Who's in?\n\n[Leela stand up.]\n\nLEELA\nMe and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if\nhe feels like it.\n\nZOIDBERG\nNo I'm good.\n\n[The ship flies towards the huge Galalctic Bazaar: Offering Legal\nItems etc. It is a run down space station with things sticking\nout of it.]\n\n[Cut to: Galactic Bazaar. The place is filled with aliens. The\ntrio walk past Joe Camel who tries on some shades. Fry is wearing\na strap on red nose. They walk past a stall where an alien buys\nsomething.]\n\nALIEN\nLets see, I'll have a pancreas, two\nsphincters and a large colon.\n\nFRY\nIt's no use. We've been to ever scuzzy\nbazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery\nBarn.\n\nLEELA\nWait, what's that?\n\n[She points at The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe.]\n\n[Cut to: Sex Shoppe. Enter Fry, Bender and Leela. The salesman\nhas a chameleon-like head.]\n\nSALESMAN\nWelcome friends. How may I pervert you?\n\nFRY\nUh, I'm looking for human horn.\n\nSALESMAN\n(whispering) Shh! You're not cops right?\n\nLEELA\nOf course not. In fact he's a crook.\n\n[She points at Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nYep. Stolen Pez anyone?\n\n[He holds up a Calculon-head Pez thing and hands them around.\nThe salesman eats it and pulls back a curtain.]\n\nSALESMAN\nRight this way.\n\n[Back Room. The salesman gets something from off a high shelf\nand unwraps it. Inside is lots of human noses.]\n\nSALESMAN\nHuman horn. So fresh you can still see\nthe eyeglass marks.\n\n[Fry looks at the noses.]\n\nFRY\nNope, uh-uh, eww! Now look, this is\nthe nose we want. Did you sell it to\nsomebody?\n\nSALESMAN\nI'm sorry sir but due to the perverted\nnature of our business, customer records\nare strictly confidential. Right this\nway.\n\n[Cut to: Back Back Room. The salesman pulls another curtain across.\nIn the room is a TV and a wall lined with video tapes.]\n\nSALESMAN\nI video tape everyone who comes in here\nso I can blackmail them later. Hey,\nI'm a porno dealing monster, what do\nI care what you think? Here's the weirdo\nwho bought your horn.\n\n[He puts the tape in the machine. On the screen a familiar alien\nwalks into the Sex Shoppe badly disguised. Leela gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nThat's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron\nPersei 8!\n\nLRRR [ON TV]\nYou got any uh, you know...\n\nSALESMAN [ON TV]\nSpeak up! You're muttering!\n\nLRRR [ON TV]\nI said uh... (whispering) human horn?\n\nLRRR [ON TV]\nOh no no, I'm just some guy. Ruler of\nthe planet Omicron Persei 8!\n\n[The dealer hands him a horn over the counter. Fry and Leela\nnod to each other.]\n\n[The ship flies toward Omicron Persei 8 and lands outside the\ncastle.]\n\n[Omicroninan Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit on thrones. Guards stand\neither side of the trio who stand before Lrrr and Nd-Nd.]\n\nLRRR\nSo let me get this straight: If I buy\neight caramello bars, you all get to\ngo to some camp.\n\nBENDER\nYep. That's exactly the lie we used\nto get past your guards.\n\n[Fry steps forward and bows.]\n\nFRY\nOh great space king. I humbly beg you\nto return my human horn.\n\n[Lrrr acts like he doesn't know what Fry is talking about.]\n\nLRRR\nUh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why\nwould virile male like Lrrr need human\nhorn? I don't even know what it's for.\nWhat is it, something you-you put in\nsalad dressing?\n\nND-ND\nLike you've ever seen a salad.\n\nLRRR\nMy weight is appropriate and attractive!\n\nLEELA\nWhoa, you guys have issues!\n\nLRRR\nShe has issues! I'm fine! But there's\nno human horn around here so, make friends\nwith the door.\n\nFRY\n(sadly) Alright. I give up. I guess\nI'll just go home and marry a skunk.\n\n[He cries.]\n\nND-ND\nOh let's just give it to him. Here.\n\nFRY\nMy nose! Light of my face!\n\nLRRR\nUh, what is that? How do you have that\nNd-Nd? I've never seen it before. My\nfriend left it here.\n\n[Fry takes his nose out of the box and puts it on his face.]\n\nLEELA\nHold still Fry. I can reattach it with\nmy emergency face laser.\n\n[She presses a button on her wristamajig and a beam seams the\nnose to Fry's face. It also burns his cheek a little.]\n\nFRY\nHey! You burned my cheek!\n\nLEELA\nYeah sorry I wasn't really concentrating.\n\nFRY\nNo I mean the singed flesh, I can smell\nit! Those lilacs on the table.\n\nLRRR\nAt least someone noticed.\n\nND-ND\nFor the last time I don't like lilacs!\nYour first wife was the one who liked\nlilacs.\n\nLRRR\nShe also liked to shut up!\n\nFRY\nWell, great seeing you, I guess we'll\nbe on our -\n\nBENDER\nYo, highness! Uh, just out of robo-curiosity,\nwhy would you use a guy's nose for an\naphrodisiac instead of his...you know...wing\ndang doodle?\n\nLRRR\nBut I thought the horn was the human\nwing dang doodle?\n\nBENDER\nNo sir-chee! The main event, so to speak,\nis downstairs near the wallet. Ever\nseen soccer players line up to block\na free kick? They ain't covering their\nnoses I'll say that much! Well, seeya!\n\n[He starts to leave.]\n\nLRRR\nInteresting. The trousers conceal a\ntiny secondary horn.\n\nFRY\nHey, what've you heard?\n\nLRRR\n(shouting) Guards! Seize him! Prepare\nto harvest the lower horn!\n\n[Fry looks around scared.]\n\nFRY\nOK, you can have my nose.\n\n[He pulls it off.]\n\nLRRR\nGuards!\n\nGUARD #1\nYeah?\n\nLRRR\nRemove the human's lower horn and prepare\nit to be eaten by me.\n\nND-ND\nIn other words slop a lot of ketchup\nand salt on it!\n\nLRRR\nThen bring it to our royal bedchamber\nand put it in the sock drawer with all\nthe other things that have failed to\narouse my passion for this woman.\n\n[The second guard takes out a whizzy buzzy cutting thing. Fry\nsqueals.]\n\nGUARD #2\nRemove pants!\n\nFRY\nWait! I'm usually the first guy to toot\nmy own lower horn -\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) I'll say!\n\n[He hoots.]\n\nFRY\nBut in this case I just don't think\nit'll do any good.\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) That's what she said!\n\n[He hoots again.]\n\nLEELA\nLet's face it. You two have deep relationship\nproblems that can't be solved by an\naphrodisiac.\n\nFRY\nHowever huge it might be.\n\nND-ND\nSo what do you suggest, painfully single\nhuman?\n\nLEELA\nWell, why don't you think back to what\nbrought you together in the first place?\n\nND-ND\nOhh I don't know. Lrrr used to be so\ntender.\n\n[Lrrr groans.]\n\nLRRR\nI only wrote that poem to test my printer.\n\nND-ND\nWe'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr\nwould find injured little tinkle-bunnies\nand nurse them back to health.\n\nLRRR\nYes but I'm the one who injured them!\n\nND-ND\nOh shush. You stepped on them by accident\nand then you cried all night. That's\nthe kind of sensitive man you used to\nbe.\n\nLRRR\nAnd you used to wear a size-3 cape.\n(shouting) But not anymore! Now bring\nme that lower horn while I'm still in\nthe mood.\n\n[The guard starts the whizzy thing again.]\n\nFRY\nWh-What if we helped you get your passion\nback without the hassle of mutilating\nme?\n\nLEELA\nYeah, we know a great place in the mountains.\nWe could take you there for a romantic\ndinner under the stars.\n\nND-ND\nHmm, sounds interesting. But he would\nnever do it.\n\nLRRR\nLike hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna\nbe blamed for not going!\n\nFRY\nThen it's a deal. We get one night.\nI keep my horn as long as you two end\nup doing the horizontal monster mash.\n\n[Bender hoots, laughs insanely and chuckles.]\n\nBENDER\nI don't get it!\n\n[Forest. Back at Duraflame Lrrr and Nd-Nd are seated at a table\nat night. The trees around them have lights strung around them.\nEnter Bender carrying a box of Monsieur Carton.]\n\nBENDER\nBonjour. May I offer you a box of wine\nfor the edge of the table?\n\nLRRR\nNo thanks. Just water please. Tap water!\n\nND-ND\n(sarcastic) Oh big spender!\n\nLRRR\n(shouting) That's it, this date is over!\nWaiter!\n\n[The guards wheel Fry up to the table in a cage. He is dressed\nin a snappy suit.]\n\nFRY\nSo, what can I get you this evening?\n\nLRRR\nYour lower horn!\n\n[Fry squeals.]\n\nFRY\nI'll just start you off with some bread.\nSome sexy, arousing bread!\n\nLRRR\nFine but none of that whole-grain goat\nfood! And bring plenty of melted butter.\n\n[Nd-Nd groans.]\n\nND-ND\nWhy don't you just inject some fat straight\ninto your ass and cut out the middle\nman!\n\nLRRR\nOne of these days Nd-Nd, bang, zoom,\nstraight to the third moon of Omicron\nPersei 8!\n\n[Time Lapse. Lrrr and Nd-Nd are still eating and Fry is still\nin his cage. A guard is sat by a tree.]\n\nLRRR [EATING]\nMmm, this jerked chicken is good! I\nthink I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) It's used to it!\n\n[He hoots. Fry is wheeled to the table.]\n\nFRY\nSo uh, how are you two sneaky poopums\ndoing?\n\nND-ND\nPoorly.\n\nLRRR\nMy wife is right for once. There is\nvery little magic in the air. Ready\nthe lower horn transport vessel.\n\n[A guard pours some ice into a cooler. Fry squeals.]\n\nBENDER\nBoy, who knew a cooler could also make\na handy wang coffin? Hey, uh mind if\nI stick these in here?\n\nGUARD #1\nGo for it.\n\nLEELA\nDon't worry Fry. Things look bad but\nI still have a trump card. The most\nbeautiful love song ever written. (singing\nbadly) And I will always love you......will\nalways love you...\n\nND-ND\nThe humans are attacking.\n\nLRRR\nPluck the lower horn and let's get out\nof here!\n\n[The guard starts the cutter.]\n\nBENDER\nQuick Fry, run for it!\n\n[He pushes Fry's cage and it rolls away, bouncing down hills\nand through trees.]\n\nFRY\nCome on freedom cage! Roll me to safety!\nYes! I never thought I'd escape with\nmy doodle, but I pulled it out!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Just like at the movie theatre!\n\n[He hoots and Lrrr grabs Fry.]\n\nLRRR\nGive me that!\n\n[Fry screams. The guard starts the whizzer and the other opens\nthe cooler. Leela gasps. Something growls. Bigfoot emerges from\nthe trees.]\n\nFRY\nBigfoot! He's real! I knew it. The Loch\nNess Monster's book was right!\n\n[Bigfoot stops and sniffs the Omicronians.]\n\nLRRR\nWell, hello there my furry friend.\n\nND-ND\nLook at his adorable little feet. Yes\nyou are a cutie-pie.\n\n[Enter Ranger Park with his camera.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nHoly macaroni! I can't believe I'm\nseeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh I've\nwaited my entire life for this moment!\n\n[He pulls a gun out from behind him and points it at Bigfoot.\nEveryone mumbles.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat are you doing with that?\n\n[Lrrr steps forward.]\n\nLRRR\nYou're going to kill this innocent giganto?\n\nRANGER PARK\nOf course not. I'm just gonna tranquilise\nhim so I can chop off his feet as proof\nhe exists. Then dump him back in the\nwild. He'll do fine.\n\n[He aims the gun. Lrrr steps in front. Nd-Nd stands at his side.]\n\nLRRR\nYou'll have to get through me first.\n\nRANGER PARK\nOK, nighty nght.\n\n[He shoots but the tranquiliser dart bounces off Lrrr. Lrrr vapourises\nthe gun.]\n\nLRRR\nNow leave this gentle sasquatch - or\nwood ape - in peace so I can finally\nand at long last harvest this pathetic\nhuman's lower horn.\n\nFRY\nYeah!\n\n[He screams.]\n\nLRRR\nWait. What am I saying? If I poach this\nbeast's lower horn, am I any better\nthan that ranger with his demented foot\nlust? Yes. But not by enough.\n\n[Park walks behind Bigfoot and cuts off a tuft of his fur.]\n\nRANGER PARK\nScore!\n\n[Bigfoot scratches himself.]\n\nLRRR\nThis human's lower horn is one of God's\ncreatures, a living thing. And all living\nthings, large and small...\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) In this case \"small\"!\n\n[He hoots.]\n\nLRRR\n...have diginity. And a spark of divine.\n\n[He cries.]\n\nND-ND\nThat's the gentle sensitive poet warlord\nI fell in love with!\n\n[She hugs him and they both crush Fry between them. He squeezes\nhis way out. Lrrr and Nd-Nd kiss. Bender, Fry and Leela avoid\nwatching.]\n\nLRRR\n(shouting) Uh, you'll wanna retreat\nto a safe, 500 metre radius!\n\n[They start running.]\n\nLEELA\nWell Fry, it looks like you get to hold\nonto your lower horn.\n\nBENDER\nAs usual! (shouting) Run away!\n\n[They leg it and Bigfoot stays and watches Lrrr and Nd-Nd on\nthe floor. Then he walks off into the thick forest.]\n\n[Closing Credits. Over the credits a deleted scene from The Birdbot\nOf Ice-Catraz is played. It is an episode of The Scary Door.\nThe opening titles play.]\n\n[The Scary Door graphic appears on the TV and shatters. In a\nlab a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]\n\nSCIENTIST [ON TV]\nI have combined the DNA of the world's\nmost evil animals, to make the most\nevil creature of them all.\n\n[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door\nin it opens. A man emerges from the smoke.]\n\nMAN [ON TV]\nIt turns out it's Man.\n\n[Scary dramatic Scary Door music.]"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Bend-Her.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 513\n\n\"BEND HER\"\n\nBy\n\nMike Rowe\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: Too Hot For Radio.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden. It's Earth's 3004 Olympic Games (Plus Opening\nAct). Crowds cheer as an athlete carrying the Olympic torch runs\nup the steps to light the Olympic flame. He opens a hatch in\nthe side, ignites the pilot light and turns the flame up like\na hotplate. The crowds cheer.]\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela,\nAmy, Bender and Zoidberg watch the games.]\n\nFRY\nSo who should I root for? America or\none of those countries I learned about\nat the Food Court?\n\nAMY\nHow 'bout those guys?\n\n[On the track some people dressed in stripy jerseys and French\nberrets and carrying loaves of long bread wave to the crowd.]\n\nLEELA\nNo, they're from the Republic Of French\nStereotypes. Everybody hates them.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh, let's go check on Hermes. All this\ninspiring multi-culturalism is angrying\nup my blood. Sweden? I don't think\nso!\n\n[He snatches the banner from them and rips it to shreads.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Training Room. Hermes limbos under a limbo\nstick.]\n\nHERMES\nGo on stick, touch me! Can't do it!\n\n[The limbo stick is about 5 and a half feet off the ground. The\nfour crew members and LaBarbara are gathered around.]\n\nLABARBARA\nHusband, you haven't been an Olympic\nclass limboer for 20 years! Quit lying\nto your podgy self.\n\nLEELA\nIt does seem like Jamaica will be able\nto field a strong limbo team without\nyou.\n\nAMY\nYeah, isn't that basically all Jamaicans\ndo?\n\nHERMES\nJamaicans have other interests. Which\nis why the limbo team got detained at\nthe airport.\n\nLABARBARA\nThat's when they begged my husband to\nstep in and make an ass out of himself.\n\nHERMES\nAnd I said I'd try my very best.\n\nFRY\nBut have they seen your...y'know...physique,\nsince the old days?\n\nHERMES\nI described it to them on the phone,\nusing a series of artful euphanisms.\n\n[Farnsworth holds a red and blue jumpsuit.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDon't worry, the fat pig will do fine\nthanks to this flabbo-dynamic spandex\nbodysuit I've designed. It redistributes\nhis weight, shifting his centre of gravity\ncloser to his knees.\n\n[The bodysuit contracts around Hermes' waist and his flab equals\nout underneath it.]\n\nHERMES\nOoo, that's snug! Oh, those haven't\ndescended in years.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nNow that's a limboer's body!\n\n[Everyone cheers.]\n\nLABARBARA\nYou're that fine Jamaican bacon!\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Stands. Bender and Zoidberg watch some competitors\nwarm up on the field. All is quiet between the two.]\n\nBENDER\nShut up Zoidberg, the robot bending\nevents are starting! Something tells\nme I could easily beat those trained\nprofessionals.\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Field. A crane drops an unbendable\ngirder into the hands of a robot. And another. The robot bends\nit around.]\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Bender gasps as he watches.]\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Field. The robot holds up the bent\ngirders.]\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands.]\n\nBENDER\nWow, that guy must have to be like the\nworld's greatest bender. My dreams of\nglory died before they began.\n\nZOIDBERG\nWelcome to my life!\n\n[He bursts into tears.]\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Track.]\n\n[On the track the limboers warm up. A tall athlete takes his\nlane next to Hermes'.]\n\nBARBADOS SLIM\nHermes Conrad. Is that you inside that\ndumpy little fat man?\n\n[Hermes gasps.]\n\nHERMES\nBarbados Slim! What are you doing here?\nLast time I heard you were in Barbados.\n\nBARBADOS SLIM\nYes and I'll be going back there with\na gold medal draped around my elegant\nCarribean shoulders.\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nHERMES\nYour body may be as perfectly scultpted\nas it was 20 years ago when you whupped\nmy fat ass every time we met......but\ntoday, I feel lucky.\n\n[The hood squashes his hair flat and then into a rounded point.]\n\nBARBADOS SLIM\nI see you're still able to limbo under\nthe bar of fashion sense!\n\n[He laughs.]\n\nHERMES\nThat's it Barbados Slim, you've gone\none talk over the line!\n\nSTARTER\nLimboers, on your marks, get rubbery......limbo!\n\n[He shoots the starter gun and the limboers run off down the\ntrack and under the limbo sticks.]\n\nCOMMENTATOR\n(voice-over) There they go, and Barbados\nSlim takes an early lead. God I hope\nhe wins. What's this? Hermes Conrad\nis closing the gap. He's limboed out\nof retirement and straight into my heart.\nI say go to hell Barbados Slim!\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. The crew and LaBarbara watch\nand cheer and hold up a banner reading \"You The Mon.\"]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Go bodysuit, go!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) Go!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) C'mon!\n\nLABARBARA\n(shouting) C'mon Hermes, beat that mahogany\ngod!\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Track. Hermes closes in on Barbados\nSlim as they approach the last limbo stick.]\n\nCOMMENTATOR\n(voice-over) It's Barbados, then Conrad.\nConrad pulls ahead! And Conrad is disqualified!\nBarbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold!\n\n[LaBarbara runs to Hermes' side.]\n\nLABARBARA\nAww, there there Hermes. You did your\nbest! If I'd wanted a human Adonis for\na husband, I'd have stayed married to\nBarbados Slim.\n\n[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Disappointed, the crew sit\ndown.]\n\nBENDER\nWell enough about Hermes, I couldn't\nwin a medal either. Even at bending\n- the thing I was built to do. I'm so\nembarassed. I wish everybody else was\ndead.\n\nFEMALE ANNOUNCER\nUp next, the Fembot bending competition.\n\n[On the field Fembots bend coathangers.]\n\nBENDER\nFembots? Methinks a clever Manbot suitably\ndisguised might win those events! But\nthe charade would require subtlety,\nnuance, grace.\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Olympic Officials Stand. The officials look\nfor Bender's entry form. He is dressed in a dress and a headscarf,\ntrying to look like a Fembot.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat do you mean I'm not registered?\nMy name is Coilette and I'm from, uh...Robonia!\nCoilette's a chick's name!\n\nOFFICIAL\nYes but \"Robonia\" sounds like something\nsomebody made up on the spot.\n\nBENDER\nEver been beaten up by a guy dressed\nlike a chick?\n\n[The official squirms and hands Bender a card.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Field. \"Coilette\" the Fembot from the Grand\nDuchy Of Robonia prepares for the competition. A whistle blows.\nBender bends a bent girder. A man puts a protractor to it and\ngives a thumbs up.]\n\nMALE ANNOUNCER\nAnd it's straight! Coilette wins!\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender has now entered the javelin event. He runs\nwith the javelin, stops, bends it, throws it and watches it fly\nacross the field. It is the farthest thrown.]\n\nMALE ANNOUNCER\nAnother gold medal for the spunky maid\nfrom Robonia.\n\n[Time Lapse. In what looks to be a diving competition Bender\nstands at the end of a girder shaped diving board. The beeper\nbeeps and he dives off the end, grabs the girder and bends it\nas he falls.]\n\nMALE ANNOUNCER\nA perfect bend and a flawless entry.\nNo splash at all! Perfect scores, a\nrecord five gold medals for Coilette!\n\n[Bender flips onto his feet and cheers.]\n\nBENDER\nI'm great! Everybody else sucks, except\nthat guy Bender, he's really somethin'!\n\n[He cheers.]\n\n[Bender screams.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Tunnel. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Amy stand\naround the still disguised Bender.]\n\nLEELA\nYou actually thought they'd let you\nwalk away without an engine oil sex\ncheck?\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Oh God, I'm not gonna get my\nmedals! They're all I have to remember\nmy Olympic career. Wait, I've got it!\nProfessor, make a woman out of me!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh I think we should just stay friends.\n\n[He pats Bender's hand.]\n\nBENDER\nI don't need friends, I need a sex change\noperation and give it to me now!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBender a robot sex change is a complex\nand dangerous procedure. Replacing your\ntestosteroil with Fembot lubricants\ncan cause wild mood swings. And the\neffects may be irreversible. Well let's\nget started!\n\nLEELA\nNo, you can't!\n\nAMY\nIf you have even the slightest respect\nfor the dignity of women -\n\nBENDER\nPfft.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm sorry ladies but I must do this.\nNot for you, not for Bender, but for\nthe proud people of Robonia!\n\n[Outside Robot Medical Tent. Three robots line up outside for\ntreatment. One has been impaled on a fencing sword, another has\nbeen impaled with five javelins and another has been impaled\non a tennis racket. Bender holds up the side of the tent and\nushers Farnsworth, Fry and Leela inside. He gets impatient.]\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) C'mon!\n\n[Cut to: Robot Medical Tent. Bender lies down on an operating\ntable.]\n\nFRY\nI can't watch this 'cause it's creepy\nand wrong and sick. However I will watch\nout of curiosity.\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Quiet! (talking) I'm about\nto begin the process of reshaping Bender's\nbody into a tender delicate form.\n\n[He starts hitting Bender's casing with a sledgehammer. His shadow\nis cast on the wall and Bender cries out in pain.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth jacks Bender's head up. He puts a spanner\nbetween Bender's legs.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(dramatically) Draining male oil. Infusing\nfemale oil. Removing item.\n\n[He holds the shears around Bender's antenna. Fry ringes as Bender's\nantenna is snipped off.]\n\n[Robot Gender Testing. A robot and a Fembot wait for Coilette.]\n\nROBOT\nWe can't wait for Coilette any longer\ndammit. I have to get home to watch\nThe Zombie Osbournes.\n\n[A curtain draws back and Coilette walks out of the Robot Medical\nTent.]\n\nCOILETTE\nI'm ready for my test now boys.\n\n[The robots' jaws drop - off.]\n\n[Madison Cube Garden Field. The winner's podiums have been set\nup and Coilette stands wearing five gold medals. She looks like\nyour run of the mill ordinary trannybot. Brown hair, slim figure,\nalarming amount of lipstick. She sings the Robonian national\nanthem.]\n\nCOILETTE\n(singing) Hail, hail Robonia, a land\nI didn't make up!\n\n[The crowd cheers and bouquets of flowers are thrown.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch Coilette cheering on\nthe podium. She does a victory dance and takes her top off.]\n\nCOILETTE [ON TV]\nOoo yeah c'mon baby boom!\n\nCOILETTE\nOh yeah baby c'mon! Work your can! That's\nit shake it out!\n\nLEELA\nI don't know which I'm more, enraged\nor disgusted!\n\nCOILETTE\nI'm just out there making us ladies\nlook good.\n\nAMY\nSnuh-uh! You're making us look like\njerks in front of the other genders.\n\nFRY\nBut you're not really a lady anyway.\nRight?\n\n[He puts a glass of water on the table.]\n\nCOILETTE\nOf course not.\n\n[She puts Fry's glass on a coaster.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nDear Lord, a coaster! The Femzoil must\nbe sacheting girlishly into your processor.\n\nCOILETTE\nThen change me back. My breasts are\nkeeping me awake at night anyway. Hello...?\nWhat...? A guest spot on Late Night\nWith Humorbot 5.0...? I'd love to!\nMy own limo...? No I don't have my own\nlimo. You'd better send one. I need\na raincheck on that nad-swap Professor.\nI'm going on TV. C'mon Fry help me pick\nout a pantsuit!\n\n[Late Night With Humorbot 5.0 Studio. The studio looks like the\nstudio for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. The audience are all\nrobots. Humorbot 5.0 speaks with his usual mechanical voice and\ninterviews a popular soap star.]\n\nHUMORBOT 5.0\nSo Calculon, do you want to set up this\nclip from All My Circuits?\n\nCALCULON\nNo I think it's self-explanatory.\n\n[A screen comes up behind them and they turn to face it. On the\nscreen a pirate barbecues some stuff and Calculon gives a dramatic\nperformance.]\n\n[In the studio the audience applaud and stop instantly.]\n\nCALCULON\nFunny story, the script called for me\nto say \"yes\" but I gave it a little\ntwist.\n\nHUMOUBOT 5.0\nAnecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not\nfound. Please put your hands together\nfor my next guest. Winner of five Olympic\nmedals - Coilette from Robonia. So\nCoilette, many young Fembot's wish to\nemulate you. Any advice for them?\n\nCOILETTE\nYes Humorbot. If you ask me, women today\nare too stuck up to go out and jiggle\ntheir jello like everybody wants them\nto. In fact, should I do it now? Alright\nthen! Woo! Look out baby! Work it out!\nOo shake that thing! You gotta use it\nlady! Shake it up a little! Look at\nthat! C'mon! Work it out!\n\n[The audience cheers and Calculon is impressed.]\n\nCALCULON\nMadam, I am one impressed celebrity.\n\nCOILETTE\nOh I bet you say that to all the five\nOlympic gold medal winning Fembots!\n\nCALCULON\n(sexfully) From this day forward I shall\ndo so whenever possible.\n\nCOILETTE\nGolly...what?\n\nCALCULON\nCoilette this may be presumtuous....\n\nCOILETTE\nThat's my favourite kind of this!\n\nCALCULON\n...but I would be honoured if you would\njoin me for dinner sometime.\n\n[The audience hoot.]\n\nCOILETTE\nCalculon. You'd be fulfilling this naive\nRobonian farmgirl's fantasy!\n\nCALCULON\nOf course I would.\n\n[Planet Express: Locker Area. Coilette stands in front of a locker\nadmiring herself in a mirror. She is dressed in pink Fembot clothes.\nThe crew are gathered around.]\n\nCOILETTE\nThis top makes me look fat. Is it trampy\nto go on a first date nude?\n\nAMY\nYes.\n\nCOILETTE\nPerfect.\n\n[She takes the top off.]\n\nFRY\nYou gotta tell me. You're not actually\nattracted to Calculon right? And if\nyou are don't tell me. Are you?\n\nCOILETTE\nCertainly not. But just once I'd like\nto eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't\nbound and gagged. Is that so much to\nask?\n\nLEELA\nWell I think you dating a Manbot is\na disgrace. And I refuse to be involved.\nAnd you have way too much lipstick on.\n\n[Amy nods.]\n\nCOILETTE\nAre you kidding? I need more lipstick!\nMuch more! Ooo yeah that's the stuff!\nMen love it when you really glob it\non!\n\nLEELA\nNo they don't.\n\nAMY\nNo way!\n\nCOILETTE\nOh please. Every man wants a tramp!\nNo wonder you girls aren't married!\nI tell you, men are so much better\nat being women.\n\n[She puts some earrings on using a nailgun.]\n\nFRY\nBut what if he wants to, I mean if he\ntries to...uh...Barry White?\n\nCOILETTE\nI'll just tell him I needed commitment\nfirst. That'll stick a potato in his\ntailpipe!\n\nHERMES\nGood Lord man what kind of temporary\nwoman are you?\n\nCOILETTE\nLook, why don't all of you just back\noff? Can't a girl enjoy herself without\nbeing judged?\n\n[She takes her handbag, slams the locker door and storms off.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh dear. Her mood swings are getting\nwilder. She's becoming a slave to her\nemotions. Just like all women, particularly\nyou Leela.\n\n[She slaps him.]\n\nLEELA\nI'm worried about him too Professor.\n\n[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Tonight's special is leg of salmon. Coilette\nchomps her way through a leg.]\n\nELZAR\nHey ma'am, you sure can put it away!\nYou saved me a trip to the dump! Bam!\n\nCALCULON\nI'd appreciate it if you didn't bam\nthe young lady.\n\nELZAR\nWell, I'd appreciate it if I did, so\nI guess we're even.\n\n[He leaves.]\n\nCALCULON\nYou know Coilette, I've never before\nmet a woman as fascinating as I am.\nYou're such a sweet, soft Fembot. And\nyou have this free spirit about you.\nAnd there it is. It's as if you understand\nthe male mind better than I! I've never\nmet anyone like you.\n\nCOILETTE\nOh yes you have.\n\nCALCULON\nCoilette. I'd like to spend some (whispering)\nquality time with you.\n\nCOILETTE\nWhat? Ahh! Whoa, no way! Not gonna happen.\nWhat kind of girl do you think I am?\n\nCALCULON\nHave I mentioned that I own the world's\nbiggest and most elegant yacht?\n\n[Coilette's eyes light up.]\n\n[Montage Coilette and Calculon date to Tom Jones' She's A Lady.\nThey enjoy a trip on his yacht Calculon's Pride which sails on\na pool on an even larger yacht called Calculon's Talent. They\ndance under a mirrorball. Calculon swings Coilette around and\nher arms extend and she knocks all the other robots over. They\nsit in an oil hot tub and their photo appears on the cover Famous\nActor And Athlete Couples Illustrated magazine.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew feed scraps to a begging Zoidberg.\nEnter Coilette.]\n\nCOILETTE\nWoo! I'm a trophy girlfriend!\n\nAMY\nNo kidding. These gifts have been coming\nnon-stop! I think Calculon's falling\nfor you.\n\n[The puppies bark and Coilette throws her hat down and puts her\ncoat over the top of them.]\n\nCOILETTE\nBah. Any day now he'll dump me for a\nnew wad of arm candy. And then I can\nturn back into a guy and hock all this\nstuff! It's just a game.\n\n[Amy and Leela glare at him. Enter Calculon via the wall.]\n\nCALCULON\nCoilette, I can't stop thinking about\nyou. I can't sleep at night - although\nas a robot I don't do that anyway. But\nif I did I couldn't because I love you\nso. Oh my darling......Will you marry\nme?\n\n[Coilette looks up at the gobsmacked crew.]\n\nCOILETTE\nOh Calculon, yes I will!\n\n[Calculon puts the ring on her finger. Amy nudges Leela.]\n\nAMY\n(whispering) Maybe she's right about\nthe lipstick.\n\n[Time Lapse. Calculon is gone and Coilette is preparing to leave.]\n\nFRY\nI'll miss you buddy. You've been like\na brother and then a sister to me. And\nnow you're getting married. I love you.\n\nCOILETTE\nThe marriage is a scam.\n\nFRY\nCool. What's for dinner?\n\nLEELA\nWhat do you mean a scam?\n\nCOILETTE\nI marry Calculon, divorce him, take\nhalf his money and turn back into a\nguy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid\nscheme.\n\nFRY\nThat's marriage alright!\n\nLEELA\nThat is so unbelievably manipulative.\n\nCOILETTE\nCome on, you never went on a date with\na guy just 'cause you were hungry?\n\nLEELA\nWell I...uh...I thought I might like\nhim on a full stomach.\n\nCOILETTE\nNice try sister. Now if you'll excuse\nme, I need to meet with my wedding planner.\n(shouting) Zoidberg. (talking) Zoidypoo,\nplease tell me frilly is in this year.\n\n[Zoidberg flips through a catalogue.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI saw a frilly cake in here you would\nremember all your life. I know I will.\nLate at night it haunts me with it's\nfrosted beauty. (shouting) Order the\ncake dammit!\n\n[Hot Air Balloon. Calculon and Coilette enjoy a day together.]\n\nCALCULON\nI have something for you.\n\n[He hands her a remote control.]\n\nCOILETTE\nA remote control? You got me a TV?\n\nCALCULON\nNo my dearest, it's the remote control\nto my heart! It symbolises the power\nyou have to sway my emotions.\n\nCOILETTE\nWill it work on my TV?\n\nCALCULON\nWe don't need TVs, we have each other!\nCoilette if I weren't able to spend\nmy life with you I would leap from this\nvery balloon.\n\nCOILETTE\nCome on now - really?\n\nCALCULON\nYes! We were meant (dramatically) to\nbe!\n\nCOILETTE\nSo...you really and truly love me?\n\nCALCULON\nSo much so that I'm prepared to give\nup showbusiness itself to be with you!\n\n[Coilette gasps.]\n\nCOILETTE\nBut, you always said you'd rather burn\ndown a convent than give up showbusiness.\n\nCALCULON\nI always said many things. But now all\nI want is a peaceful life and a quiet\nvilla overlooking a vineyard....with\nyou.\n\n[Coilette starts to cry.]\n\nCOILETTE\n(crying) Would we have donkeys?\n\nCALCULON\nAll you can eat!\n\n[She hugs him.]\n\nCOILETTE\n(crying) Oh take me in your arms and\ncompress me. Compress me tight!\n\nCALCULON\nStop! Let us climb to the heavens that\nthe gods themselves might embrace!\n\n[He picks up Boxy and throws him out of the balloon. The balloon\nclimbs into the sky.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Coilette sits at the table crying. The\ncrew are sat around.]\n\nCOILETTE\n(crying) I just don't think I can go\nthrough with this scam.\n\n[The crew gasp.]\n\nAMY\nWhat?\n\nFRY\nSo now you do wanna marry him?\n\nCOILETTE\n(crying) No, I just don't wanna hurt\nhim, or humiliate him. Oh, curse this\nwoman's heart!\n\n[She cries more.]\n\nFRY\nEck!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou're falling into the final debilitating\nstages of womanhood. You've waited too\nlong to switch back you dingbat!\n\nLEELA\nOK look. If I help you with this do\nyou promise to get out of my gender\nand stay out?\n\nCOILETTE\n(crying) Uh-huh.\n\nLEELA\nAlright. Now there's no way to stop\nthis marriage without hurting Calculon.\nBut he's an actor. If there's one kind\nof pain he can handle, it's soap opera\npain.\n\n[Outside Church. Above the church doors is a banner reading \"Celebrity\nWedding. Ordinary People Not Invited.\" Farnsworth walks Coilette\nup the aisle and a little robot carries her train. At the back\nof the crowd are Fry, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and Leela. Fry is\ndressed in a hat and sleeveless jacket, Zoidberg is kitted out\nin medical scrubs and Leela wears a blonde wig and a dress. She\nputs a sunglass over her eye.]\n\nLEELA\n(whispering) OK, is everyone ready?\n\nFRY\nYep.\n\nAMY\nUh-huh.\n\nHERMES\nCheck!\n\nZOIDBERG\nImpassively.\n\n[They split and Zoidberg scuttles off and woops. At the front\nthe ceremony begins.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\nDearly beloved actors and casting people\nwho may be looking for somebody to play\na preacher, I welcome you! The bride\nhas written some vows that we will now\nall pretend to be interested in.\n\n[Coilette and Calculon turn to each other.]\n\nCOILETTE\nDearest Calculon. Forever is not enough\ntime to tell you of the many ways I\nlove you.\n\n[She faints theatrically. The crowd gasps.]\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nOh my!\n\nCALCULON\nIs there a doctor in the -\n\nZOIDBERG\nI came as soon as I could. It appears\nto be a case of African Hydraulic Fever!\n\nCALCULON\nDear God! The very illness my TV character\ncaught in season two, when I was holding\nout for more money! It's often fatal.\n\nCOILETTE\nWhatever happens, remember, the flame\nof my eternal love will burn forever.\n\nCALCULON\nOf course. But smoochiepups, I thought\none could only catch hydraulic fever\ndeep in the diamond mines of the Congo.\n\n[Leela calls out from the crowd.]\n\nLEELA\nCoilette! You she-devil! You really\nthought you could steal those diamonds\nfrom me and Congo Jack?\n\n[Coilette stands up.]\n\nCOILETTE\nThose gems belong to the natives!\n\n[Leela kicks Coilette in the face and Amy restrains her.]\n\nCALCULON\nOh how cruel and melodramatic fate is.\n(dramatically shouting) Whhhy?\n\nCOILETTE\nCalculon, my darling, your loud \"why\"\nbrought me partway back to life. Congo\nJack!\n\nCALCULON\nAnother shocking twist!\n\n[Hermes plays some shocking twist music.]\n\nFRY\nYes. And I have a message for you from\nColonel Mitumba! He says this......is\nfrom Congo Jack.\n\n[He throws the spear. It hits a flower pot.]\n\nCOILETTE\nUh, um...\n\n[She takes it out of the flower pot and tucks it under her arm,\nscreams, and falls over.]\n\nCALCULON\nNo! Nooo! (dramamtically shouting) N-O-O-O!\n\nCOILETTE\nI won't leave you. Not until I'm sure\nyou understand the thing I said before.\nAbout my eternal love for you burning......et\ncetera.\n\nCALCULON\n(crying) I do. I do.\n\nCOILETTE\nOK then.\n\n[She dies in a very dramatic and soapy way. At the back Zoidberg\neats what is left of the buffet.]\n\nZOIDBERG [EATING]\nI'm a doctor, she's dead.\n\nCALCULON\nShe lives no more. But let us all find\ncomfort knowing that she truly loved\nme. To honour my pain, I shall star\nin a film dedicated to her memory. And\nthis time the Academy will not deny\nme. Not when they see Coilette: A Calculon\nStory.\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew watch Calculon's\nfilm on TV. The Coilette character is lying dead with Calculon\nat her side. In the background Preacherbot waves.]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nCoilette. Your death fills me wih sorrow,\n(angry) anger, (fearful) fear, (normal)\nevery emotion an actor can display.\n\n[Farnsworth files away the last bit of hair from Coilette's head.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nTurn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake\nnow and Bender will be trapped forever\nbetween the already ill-defined robot\nsexes.\n\n[He chisels something between Coilette's legs.]\n\nCOILETTE\nOw, oo, ow.\n\nFRY\nWell Bender, I hope this has taught\nyou a lesson about changing your sex\nto win five gold medals.\n\nCOILETTE\nIt truly has. My romance with Calculon\nhas shown me a lot about myself.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAlmost done.\n\nCOILETTE\nIf only somehow, someway he and I could...\n\n[Bender's antenna springs up.]\n\nBENDER\n...drive to Vegas, pick up some Flooziebots\nand void their warranties all night\nlong!\n\n[He sits up and cheers.]\n\nFRY\nYay my buddy's home! And his respect\nfor women is back to normal.\n\nLEELA\nI kind of hope this whole experience\nwould have left you a little more open\nto your sensitive side.\n\nBENDER\nYeah you'd think but what you gonna\ndo?\n\n[He takes a puff from a cigar. On the TV it is raining and Calculon\nholds Coilette in his arms..]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nCoilette, the skies themselves weep\nupon the sweetest flower of all the\nfield.\n\nLEELA\nAww!\n\nAMY\nAww!\n\nFRY\nEww!\n\nZOIDBERG\nGross.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nSentimental drivel-poop.\n\n[Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Hermes leave.]\n\nFRY\nC'mon Bender let's go. This chick flick\nis getting me all barfy.\n\nBENDER\nYeah. Emotions are dumb and should be\nhated.\n\n[Fry leaves and he starts out after him. He stops and looks at\nthe TV.]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nGoodnight Coilette, my turtledove.\n\n[Bender's eyes well up with tears.]\n\nBENDER\nGoodnight Calculon.\n\n[Amy and Leela turn around.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat did you say?\n\nBENDER\nI said you two don't dress trampy enough.\nI still got it!\n\n[He twangs his antenna.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Obsoletely-Fabulous.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 514\n\n\"OBSOLETELY FABULOUS\"\n\nBy\n\nDan Vebber\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]\n\n[Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest\nRobot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with\nBender.]\n\n[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector\nthat looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep\nand he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red\nlights flash. He gasps.]\n\nMAN\n$10 please.\n\nFRY\nAw man!\n\n[He reaches into his pocket.]\n\n[Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands\nand sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version\nof the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks\nin a booming voice.]\n\nNANNYBOT 1.0\nSleep little dumpling. I have replaced\nyour mother.\n\n[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue.\nThe baby drinks from the bottle.]\n\nLEELA\nAww!\n\n[Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]\n\nBENDER\nOh my God, robot beely-boppers!\n\nFRY\nAnd there's a robot scratching post.\nYou should try it out Bender.\n\nBENDER\nPlease, I have some dignity.\n\n[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]\n\n[Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot\non the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]\n\nWERNSTROM\nLadies and gentlemen, my killbot features\nLotus notes and a machine gun. It is\nthe finest available.\n\n[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots\nstand.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nLike fun it is you glass headed wallaby!\n\nWERNSTROM\nNo one calls me that. I'm having at\nyou!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWerrrnstrom!\n\n[They start to \"fight.\"]\n\nFARNSWORTH'S KILLBOT\nSuch senseless aggression.\n\nWERNSTROM'S KILLBOT\nC'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.\n\n[Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on\nthe scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]\n\n[Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and\nFarnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech.\nBender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]\n\nBENDER\nThe secret is to scratch 'em really\nreally hard!\n\n[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]\n\nANNOUNCER\nAnd now, the women who Mom-opolises\nthe robot industry...\n\nFRY\n(shouting) I get it!\n\nANNOUNCER\n...Mom!\n\n[The word \"Mom\" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom\nonto the stage.]\n\nFRY\n(shouting) Oh, now I get it!\n\n[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]\n\nMOM\nHello dearies.\n\n[The crowd cheers.]\n\nBENDER\nWoo! I love that old bat!\n\nMOM\nLadies and gentlemen, for the 17th year\nin a row, the future of robotics has\narrived. Boys? I give you...Robot 1-X!\n\n[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]\n\nLARRY\nOw!\n\n[Larry elbows Igner.]\n\nIGNER\nOw! Oh!\n\n[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot\nwith no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for\na large purple \"eye\". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering.\nThey take photos of it.]\n\nBENDER\nNeat!\n\n[He takes a photo.]\n\nMOM\nQuite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all\nmy previous models to shame. Incidentally,\nwould one of my previous models mind\ncoming up here?\n\n[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender\nstarts climbing over the top of them.]\n\nBENDER\nRight here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby!\nI'll do it! C'mon Mom!\n\n[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves\nhis fist.]\n\nTEENBOT\nJerk!\n\n[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]\n\nBENDER\nOo, here we go. I'm your top of the\nline Mom!\n\n[He takes a swig from his bottle.]\n\nMOM\nNotice that this obsolete robot runs\non alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas\nRobot 1-X runs on pollution and emits\npure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.\n\n[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses\na fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]\n\nBENDER\nMan, that smells great!\n\nMOM\nNow lets see how both robots do at a\ntypical household task. Sorting a jar\nof pocket change.\n\n[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot\n1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]\n\nROBOT 1-X\nTask completed. Total value: $4.73 and\none Albanian lek.\n\n[He hands the change to Mom.]\n\nMOM\nVery good Robot 1-X. And you bending\nunit?\n\nBENDER\nUh, I never got the change. Suckers.\n\nMOM\nPresenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...\n\n[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender\nand Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender\nsays Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before\nbanner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of\nchange falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage.\nThe audience cheers.]\n\n[Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]\n\nBENDER\nThat new robot is great huh? Sure made\nme look like a pile of crap.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nIndeed. That's why I bought one to help\naround the office.\n\n[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face\nagainst it.]\n\nBENDER\n(hoarse) Eep!\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the\nroom and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]\n\nLEELA\nLet's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you\nclean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?\n\nROBOT 1-X\nI can and will.\n\n[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces\nit with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]\n\nBENDER\nHey I could have done that if you'd\nasked me.\n\nLEELA\nI asked you five minutes ago.\n\n[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]\n\nBENDER\nYou call that a kiss? I'll show you!\nC'mere Nibbler!\n\n[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh look Bender if you want something\nto do stop making out and give us a\nhand.\n\n[Hermes is holding something.]\n\nHERMES\nHere, go up on the roof and install\nthis fake satellite dish so we can impress\nthe neighbours.\n\nBENDER\nYes sir, I'm on it!\n\n[He walks out.]\n\nHERMES\nOh, and have Robot 1-X help you.\n\n[Bender screams.]\n\n[Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls\nback but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the\nroof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]\n\nBENDER\nGet outta here freshman, I don't need\nyour help.\n\nROBOT 1-X\nOur owners asked me to assist you.\n\nBENDER\nYeah, well assist this!\n\n[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof.\nHe screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite\ndish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the\nentrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]\n\nBENDER\nOhh! When I screamed \"help\" I didn't\nmean you!\n\nROBOT 1-X\nI apologise. However I was able to do\nyour job before I saved your life.\n\n[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching\nAll My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in\na dustbin.]\n\nBENDER\nDon't mind me. I'm just saving you the\ntrouble of throwing me away.\n\nAMY\nSpleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch\nsome TV.\n\n[Bender struggles inside the bin.]\n\nBENDER\nI can't. I'm stuck in the can.\n\nLEELA\nWell, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.\n\nBENDER\nNever!\n\n[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over\nwhile still in the bin.]\n\nLEELA\nWhy can't you accept his help.\n\nBENDER\nI hate him.\n\nLEELA\nBut he's just a tool to make your life\neasier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars\nkit.\n\n[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]\n\nBENDER\nI can't ask for his help because...\n\n[The crew turn to him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes?\n\nBENDER\n(whispering) I'm scared of him.\n\n[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew\naren't.]\n\nLEELA\nOh, sorry.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell then there's only one solution.\nYou need an upgrade to make you compatible\nwith Robot 1-X's new technology.\n\n[Bender gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nAn upgrade? But I thought we all agreed\nI was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree\nI was perfect?\n\nFRY\nOh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.\n\n[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]\n\nBENDER\nPretty perfect? So, you do think I need\nan upgrade.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYes for God sakes, yes!\n\nBENDER\n(crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few\ndays.\n\n[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching\nTV.]\n\n[Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand\non conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials\nincluding X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front\nof Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]\n\n[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]\n\nROBERTO\nMan I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd\nlike to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these!\nHaha! Ha! Haha!\n\nBENDER\nYeah, right on nutcake!\n\nROBERTO\nParole officer says I gotta upgrade\nor he won't give me back my stabbing\nknife. But it's no big. I hate those\n1-X so much I know it won't affect me.\nDeath to the 1-X robots! I love those\nmagnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots\nare my friends.\n\nBENDER\nW-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm\nfor stabbing them?\n\nROBERTO\nI'm past that. Later blood!\n\n[He slides out sideways through a door.]\n\nBENDER\nIt's like he's not him anymore. You\ntook away his robo-humanity! I changed\nmy mind!\n\n[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from\nthe machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]\n\n[Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face\ndown on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]\n\nBENDER\nI did it! I escaped! But to what kind\nof a life? I'm too scared to get the\nupgrade but I can't face my friends\nagain without it. And so I set sail\nfor unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon,\ntake pitty on this mechanical mariner.\nOh jeez!\n\n[The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around \u00e0 la Tom\nHanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!\n\n[Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed\nup on a beach. He gets up.]\n\nBENDER\nBoy, what is this deal with the ocean?\nA tropical island huh? Well, I've washed\nup on worse places. OK, first up, I'm\ngonna need to build a shelter. There.\nWell. I guess I'll go out for a while.\n\n[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]\n\n[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out \"HELP\" in rocks\nbut the last letter is unfinished so it looks like \"HELF.\"]\n\nBENDER\nDamn. One rock short of rescue!\n\n[His message is a lot longer that \"HELF\" though. It reads \"To\nWhom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know\nMe, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point.\nLong Story Short...I Need Helf.\" He walks off muttering to himself.]\n\n[Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the\nedge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his\neyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a\nfoghorn. The light goes out.]\n\nBENDER\nOop, low on power! Better fuel up!\nOh no! Guess I'll do what I always\ndo when I run out of booze.\n\n[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]\n\n[Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle.\nHe digs a hole.]\n\nBENDER\nDont panic, I've got these yams. I'll\njust make some yam schnapps.\n\n[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams\nin. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs\nit into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing\nhappens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing.\nThe boar growls.]\n\nBENDER\nHey I should be mad at you! Now turn\naround.\n\n[Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed\nfive o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself.\nHe sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nBeer! Ow!\n\n[He drops them and they run off.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his\nside on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut\ndrops on his head.]\n\nBENDER\nOw!\n\n[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three\nshadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed\nsomething from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot,\ntwo robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the\nmiddle of her body.]\n\nBENDER\nWho are you and why should I care?\n\n[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung\naround him, pulls out a cartridge labelled \"Introduction\" and\nputs it in.]\n\nCARTRIDGE UNIT\n(mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice)\nWe're a community of outdated robots\nwho refused to upgrade and came here\n- (mechanical voice) Side B. (normal\nvoice) - to live a simpler existence,\nfree of technology.\n\nBENDER\nA working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys\nwent obsolete years ago!\n\n[Cartridge Unit takes out a \"Snappy Response\" cartridge and puts\nit in.]\n\nCARTRIDGE UNIT\nYour mother.\n\nWATERBOT\nWhat Cartridge Unit means is, the very\nthings that make us obsolete also make\nus unique. I, for example, need to keep\nfilling my waterwheel or I'll power\ndown forever. (screaming) Oh God, I'll\nnever make it this time! This is the\nend! (talking) Anyway, we like it here.\n\nBENDER\nYeah but you have a choice. What's\nyour problem?\n\nSINCLAIR\nNot enough...uh...\n\n[He scratches his head.]\n\nBENDER\nMemory?\n\nSINCLAIR\nOh great. Now I remember that word but\nI forgot my wife's face.\n\n[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]\n\nWATERBOT\n(screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live!\n(talking) If you like, you're welcome\nto join our society.\n\n[Bender stands up.]\n\nBENDER\nLook, no offence, but I need technology.\nEspecially email and snowmobiles. And\ntelevision! Without television how will\nI know what buzzwords are in?\n\nSINCLAIR\nWhy watch TV when you can watch a snail\ncrawl for hours on end?\n\nBENDER\nThat's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.\n\n[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]\n\nBENDER\nOh man he's never gonna make it over\nthat next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh\nmy God he made it!\n\n[They high five.]\n\nWATERBOT\nYeah!\n\nSINCLAIR\nWay to go!\n\n[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]\n\nBENDER\nThat was the greatest thing ever! Lets\nparty! Yeah baby c'mon!\n\nWATERBOT\nWhere did you get that CD?\n\nBENDER\nIt's one of my ten desert island discs.\nI never even thought I'd get to use\nthem. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby!\nDo that thang!\n\nWATERBOT\nCD's are unnatural. Why don't you just\nlisten to the ocean?\n\nBENDER\nWhich ocean? That ocean?\n\n[He turns around and listens.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa! It's like the earth is making\nsweet salty love to itself while all\nthe fish groove on it. So much for this\ngarbage. Take that Beethoven you deaf\nbastard!\n\n[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening\nto the monkey banging it's cymbals.]\n\nBENDER\nBang bang bang. You sure got this life\nthing figured out cymbal banging monkey.\n\nWATERBOT\nHi Bender. We know how you miss technology,\nso we brought you this washing machine\nthat drifted ashore.\n\n[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach.\nBender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks\ninside.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard\nthe w - You-! Wretched technology\nhas brought me nothing but misery!\n\n[Cartridge Unit takes a \"State The Obvious\" cartridge out of\nhis bag and puts it in.]\n\nCARTRIDGE UNIT\nBut Bender you are technology. You're\nthe most advanced thing on this entire\nisland.\n\n[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]\n\nBENDER\nOh it's true. I am a hideous triumph\nof form and function. But not for long!\n\n[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside\na beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]\n\nBENDER [FROM HUT]\nOh, ow that hurt, oh...\n\n[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]\n\nWATERBOT [FROM HUT]\nThe downgrade is complete!\n\n[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes\nand mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]\n\nBENDER\nBehold my hand crafted purity. The modern\nworld can bite my splintery wooden ass!\n\n[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender\nsighs.]\n\nWATERBOT\nWelcome to your new life of simple tranquility.\n\nBENDER\nPft! Forget that. I say the whole world\nmust learn of our peaceful ways. By\nforce!\n\n[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a \"What?!\" cartridge\nand puts it in.]\n\nCARTRIDGE UNIT\nWhat?!\n\nBENDER\nWe're going back to civilisation to\nwage war on technology!\n\n[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]\n\nCARTRIDGE UNIT\nWhat?!\n\n[Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides\nthrough the water just above the seabed.]\n\n[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting\nin knee-deep water.]\n\nBENDER\nWe'll soon stage an attack on technology\nworthy of being chronicled in an anthem\nby Rush!\n\nWATERBOT\nWe've been sailing for three weeks.\nMaybe I should check our position with\nthe periscope.\n\n[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through\nit and gasps.]\n\nBENDER\nMirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech\nsorcery! Sorcery I say!\n\n[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]\n\nWATERBOT\nDid you see anything?\n\nBENDER\nYep, we're there. Prepare to surface!\n\n[Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb\nout through the top.]\n\nBENDER\nAnd now, technology shall taste the\nlash of the hickory switch!\n\n[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of\nNew New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological\ngadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At\na rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it.\nIt crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot\nCompany factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a\nrock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the\nbuilding fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows.\nAt the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window\nand smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]\n\n[Outside Submarine.]\n\nSINCLAIR\nTechnology is defeated. Let us return\nto the island and celebrate by counting\nrocks!\n\n[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's\ncymbals.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks\nmore than me. But our mission is not\ncomplete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments\nme with his obvious superiority. Ready\nthe catapult Sinclair. Aim for their\npower lines. The devil weans and electricity\nis his blood.\n\nWATERBOT\nBender. If we don't survive the attack,\nI want you to know...I love you.\n\nBENDER\nOK fine. Fire!\n\n[Sinclair fires the catapult.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the\nback of the building and sparks fly from it.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(shouting) Oh! I'm blind!\n\nLEELA\nProfessor, we have no power.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat do you mean \"no power\"? We're living\nin the future.\n\nLEELA\nI'd better light some candles.\n\n[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning.\nEnter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender\nclimbs through the hole.]\n\nBENDER\nFriends. I've come to free you from\nyour complicated lives. Free you from\nthe complicated part I mean not the\nlives part.\n\nLEELA\nOh Lord he's made of wood! What now\nBender?\n\nBENDER\nI got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered\nwooden robot - just as nature intended.\nTherefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThat's just stupid.\n\n[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]\n\nROBOT 1-X\nDoes Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?\n\n[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]\n\nBENDER\nI don't need your charity. (shouting)\nTarget Robot 1-X and fire!\n\n[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult\nand whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they\nwait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to\nbeing tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents\nthe ship.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nYou wanged my ship you walnut panelled\nidiot!\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said\ntarget Robot 1-X!\n\nSINCLAIR\nWho's Robot 1-X? Launching.\n\n[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely\nwait.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo I guess everything worked out fine.\n\n[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams.\nThe rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping\nthe crew under its port wing.]\n\nLEELA\nGreat. Now we're being crushed.\n\n[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks.\nIt dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]\n\nAMY\nHelp us wooden Bender!\n\n[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites\nit and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]\n\nBENDER\nHeck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta\ndo something. What the-? Termites?\nWell, I don't need legs to save my friends.\nI'll just use the old extentromatic\narms!\n\n[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch\nand instead just fall off.]\n\nHERMES\nBender, hurry! This fuel's expensive!\nAlso (shouting) we're dying!\n\nBENDER\nI'm a comin' Ow! Lousy primative body!\nOh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm\nan outdated piece of junk!\n\n[Robot 1-X flies over him.]\n\nROBOT 1-X\nSir, might I recommend -\n\nBENDER\nYou shut up. No wait. I can use you\nas a tool to save my friends and I'll\nstill be the hero who everyone says\nhow great he was!\n\nROBOT 1-X\nHow may I help you?\n\n[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]\n\nBENDER\nSave my friends! And Zoidberg!\n\n[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and\nlifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it.\nA lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]\n\nAMY\nLook! My hair got singed into an even\ncuter do!\n\nFRY\nHey where's Bender?\n\nBENDER\nDown here. I'm so sorry guys. I never\nmeant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything\nyou ever believed in.\n\nLEELA\nWell, at least you saved us from, uh,\nyou. Thank God you finally overcame\nyour incompatibility with Robot 1-X.\n\nBENDER\nOh yeah, we were totally in sync! I\nwas like \"Save them!\" and he was all\n\"No problem!\" and then he did it...\n\n[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still\non the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]\n\nBENDER\n...This new technology is great! I\nlove those magnificent 1-X robots. The\n1-X robots are my friends!\n\n[Fatbot trembles.]\n\nFATBOT\nIt's like his personality is totally\ndifferent now! Oh, maybe this upgrade\nisn't such a good idea.\n\n[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]\n\nBENDER\nI'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch\non the - Hey! What's the dilly-o?\n\nUPGRADER\nYour upgrade is complete.\n\nBENDER\nBut I destroyed the technology of the\nworld. I ran on the beach and felt the\nsand between my foot cups.\n\nUPGRADER [SHRUGGING]\nEveryone experiences the upgrade differently.\n\nBENDER\nOof. If that stuff wasn't real, how\ncan I be sure anything is real? Is it\nnot possible, nay probable, that my\nwhole life is just a product of my or\nsomeone else's imagination?\n\nUPGRADER\nNo, get out. Next.\n\n[Bender slides out.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender\nwalks out and watches three police cars chase another car down\nthe street.]\n\nBENDER\nWell, I guess reality is what you make\nof it. Oh, thanks baby!\n\n[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]\n\nTHE END"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-Bender-Should-Not-Be-Allowed-On-Tv.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 515\n\n\"BENDER SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON TV\"\n\nBy\n\nLewis Morton\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. A remix is performed by the cast in their character\nvoices. Caption: Controlling You Through A Chip In Your Butt\nSince 1999.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. All My Circuits is on the TV.]\n\n[Calculon sits at his desk in his office with his face buried\nin his hands. His son Antonio sits on the other side. Weepy soap\nopera music plays.]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nWhy Antonio?\n\n[Very dramatic music plays. The previously montage fades to a\nbedroom where Monique has yet another passionate affair with\nBoxy. Enter Calculon. Monique pulls the sheets over her.]\n\nMONIQUE [ON TV]\nCalculon?! But I thought you were -\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nEgyptian?!\n\n[More dramatic music. The scene changes to Monique and Antonio\non a yacht. Monique is pointing a laser at Antonio.]\n\nMONIQUE [ON TV]\nBefore I kill you, I must ask you one\nquestion. Who am I? For I have...amnesia!\n\n[Even more dramatic music. The scene changes to a room. Monique,\nAntonio and Human Friend sit on a couch and two other robots\nstand behind. Calculon stands in front looking at them all.]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nLet me get this straight. Does anyone\nhere not have amnesia?\n\n[The rest murmur in confusion.]\n\nMONIQUE [ON TV]\nNot sure.\n\nHUMAN FRIEND [ON TV]\nI 'unno.\n\n[And the same dramatic music. In the Planet Express lounge Cubert\nand Dwight are sat watching All My Circuits with Fry, Leela and\nBender.]\n\nCUBERT\nThis show is awesome! When I grow up\nI'm gonna have so much amnesia!\n\nDWIGHT\nMe too. I mean, I have it now, but I\nforgot.\n\nCUBERT\nWell mine's louder!\n\nBENDER\nCram a ham in it you twerps! Sorry!\n\nFRY\nNah, I had it coming.\n\n[On the TV Calculon's birthday party is in full swing.]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nWelcome swingers. Pull up a groove and\nget fabulous!\n\nMONIQUE [ON TV]\nNude rocks bands, big piles of what\nI assume is talcum powder, it's quite\na birthday party Calculon.\n\nCUBERT\nCool! I'm gonna have a fabulatious birthday\nparty just like Calculon!\n\nDWIGHT\nOh yeah? Well I'm gonna show up looking\ngood. Just like Monique.\n\nLEELA\nDo you two have to imitate everything\nyou see on TV?\n\nCUBERT\nUm, we're 12, so, yes.\n\nDWIGHT\nHold up Cubert, you're a clone of the\nProfessor. Do clones even have birthdays?\n\nCUBERT\nWell duh!\n\nDWIGHT\n\"Duh\" what?\n\n[Cubert looks puzzled.]\n\n[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth and Hermes, wearing\ngoggles and gloves, poke something in a crate with rakes. Enter\nCubert and Dwight. Hermes puts the lid on the crate.]\n\nCUBERT\nDad? Do I have a birthday?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm, you didn't have a birth so technically,\nno. Oh, don't feel bad. We can celebrate\nthe day I extracted you from the cloning\ntank. Or the day I scraped that DNA\nfrom that growth on my back.\n\nCUBERT\nOoo, that one!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh yes. It was 13 years ago next week.\nI used this very fork.\n\n[Hermes takes it.]\n\nHERMES\nAww well isn't that - ew!\n\n[He drops it when he realises what he is saying.]\n\nDWIGHT\nHey, next week'll be my birthday too.\n\nHERMES\nThat's true. If only there were a way\nto have one party for both of you here\nat the office then write it off as a\nbusiness expense. Wait! I thought of\na way! The way I just said!\n\nCUBERT\nYeah!\n\nDWIGHT\nWay to go pops!\n\n[They hug their dads.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert and Dwight run back in\nand leap on the couch. On the TV Calculon and Monique are bathing\nin some pink stuff.]\n\nCALCULON [ON TV]\nOh Monique, why did we wait so many\nyears to bathe in champagne?\n\n[He scoops some up in a glass and drinks it. Antonio comes crashing\nin through the ceiling wearing a parachute. He hits the ground\nwith a thump.]\n\nANTONIO [ON TV]\nFather, I've discovered the shocking\nsecret mother has kept from you for\n200 years.\n\nMONIQUE [ON TV]\nNo! No!\n\nANTONIO [ON TV]\nBrace yourself. For when I speak these\nwords you may well suffer an attack\nof explosive amnesia. For you see, the\nhorrible secret is -\n\n[He stops talking and starts to fizzle. His pupils go crazy and\nhe starts groaning. Monique and Calculon glance at each other\nin confusion.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoever's directing this is a master\nof suspense!\n\n[Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. Antonio fizzles on the set\nwhile Calculon and Monique are still in the tub. Sal and two\nother guys walk onto the set. Sal hits Antonio twice with a hammer\nthen leans on him and talks to the other two.]\n\nSAL\nHe's busteds. Lets get hims outta heres.\n\n[They pick him up and carry him away. He continues groaning.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. The TV changes to static then\na still image of a robot with one of his eyes popped out and\nthe message \"Oops! Broken Actor.\"]\n\n[The TV cuts into the episode. The Hypno-Toad does nothing except\nsit, hypnotising his audience.]\n\nFRY\nThis show's been going downhill since\nseason three.\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. A \"Happy Growth-Scraping Day\"\nbanner has been strung up along the back wall. LaBarbara and\nAmy fly up to the ceiling on rocket packs and hang streamers.\nEnter Zoidberg in tramp garb.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nLook who's here everyone! It's Zoidberg,\nthe lovable tramp!\n\n[Hermes, Leela, Farnsworth, Cubert and Dwight applaud.]\n\nLEELA\nSince when are you performing at children's\nparties?\n\nZOIDBERG\nPerforming? What? Please, if someone\ncould spare me money to buy shoes -\n\n[The five look away and Zoidberg sighs.]\n\nDWIGHT\nThis party pukes.\n\nCUBERT\nYeah! The guests were supposed to be\nhere three hours ago.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell that doesn't mean that no one is\ncoming and that you two are total losers.\nWho gave you that idea?\n\n[The doorbell rings.]\n\nDWIGHT\nAll right! They must've all come as\na group.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight stand by side\ndoor.]\n\nCUBERT\nWelcome swingers! Pull up a groove and\nget fabulous!\n\n[He chuckles and opens the door. No one is there. He hears a\nsqueaking and looks down. Tinny Tim hobbles towards the door\nwith a green envelope.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nGood day fellows. Someone dumped this\ninvitation in my begging cup. Happy\ngrowth-scraping day to all!\n\n[Cubert and Dwight sigh.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The rest of the crew are gathered\naround with glasses and food. Hermes, LaBarbara and Farnsworth\ntalk.]\n\nHERMES\nFire 'em all.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nMm-hm, mm-hm.\n\n[Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim sit around the table, bored. Enter\nBender with the TV.]\n\nBENDER\n(gasping) Guys, guys something's happening\non television again.\n\n[He puts the TV on the table and plugs the plug into his ass\nsocket. The TV flickers on just in time for Entertainment And\nEarth Invasion Tonite. Morbo and Linda sit in the studio. The\nstudio backdrop features flying saucers hovering over the Hollywood\nsign.]\n\nMORBO [ON TV]\nWelcome to Entertainment And Earth Invasion\nTonite. Across the galaxy my people\nare completing the mighty space fleet\nthat will exterminate the human race!\nBut first, this news from Tinseltown.\n\n[Footage of Antonio's breakdown appears behind Linda.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nFollowing Antonio Calculon Jr's breakdown\non set, the popular TV show All My Circuits\nwill hold an open casting call for child\nrobots to replace him.\n\nBENDER\nAn open casting call for child robots?\nTinny Tim? Are you thinkin' what I'm\nthinkin'?\n\nTINNY TIM\nWhat's that sir?\n\nBENDER\nThat I, Bender, am perfect for the role!\n\nTINNY TIM\nYou raised my hopes and dashed them\nquite expertly sir! Bravo!\n\n[Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender, Leela and Fry\nsit in a room filled with childbots.]\n\nLEELA\nBender, your swarthy Latin charm will\nonly get you so far. There's a lot of\nfamous child acting units here.\n\nFRY\nLook, there's Macaulay Culckon.\n\n[He points at a spotty little robot whos hands are permanently\nattached to his face and has a permanent shocked expression like\nMacaulay Culkin's face in the posters for Home Alone and Home\nAlone 2: Lost In New York.]\n\nLEELA\nHe's just not cute since he got puberty\ninstalled.\n\nFRY\nPsst. There's that robot child actor\nwho grew up an robbed a convenience\nstore!\n\nLEELA\nAnd there's that robot child actor who\ngrew up and became a convenience store!\n\n[The robberbot puts some cash into the 7^11 vending machine.]\n\nROBBERBOT\nLottery ticket please.\n\n[The 7^11 machine prints out the ticket. A woman walks out of\nthe casting office.]\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nWe're ready for the first audition.\n(reading) Emoteitron Jr?\n\n[The robot gets up and his mother stops him.]\n\nMOMBOT\nHold on precious, let's make you look\nnice for the lady. What's this? What\ndid I tell you? No more hanging wires!\n\n[All My Circuits Casting Office. Emotitron Jr stands in front\nof the table where the casting director and Calculon are sat.]\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nIn this scene, you've just found out\nyour real father is Calculon's fourth\nevil identical septuplet, Sleazy Martinez.\nOK...take us there!\n\n[The robot looks at his script.]\n\nEMOTITRON JR\nNow that I know the truth father, I\nmust ride south and join the robo-banditos\nat Veracruz.\n\nCALCULON\nWell, I thought he was good but the\naudience seems to have turned on him.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nBut I don't think -\n\nCALCULON\nNext!\n\n[Time Lapse. Night has fallen and Macaulay Culkon is auditioning.]\n\nMACAULAY CULKON\n...at Veracruz, so, if you'll kindly\nhand me my poncho -\n\nCALCULON\nSorry kid you're flailing out there.\n90 actors and they all got boo-ed.\nI just wish we could get this Bender\nI keep hearing about. They say he's\nthe greatest.\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nWell there is a robot named Bender here\nbut he's much too old -\n\nCALCULON\nSend him in forthwith!\n\n[Cut to: Outside All My Circuits Casting Office. Bender is right\noutside the door.]\n\nBENDER\n(shouting) Boo! Not as good as Bender!\nBoo!\n\n[The door opens and the casting director is standing there.]\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nMr Bender?\n\n[Bender screams.]\n\n[All My Circuits Casting Office.]\n\nCASTING DIRECTOR\nHave you ever been on TV before?\n\nBENDER\nOnce, when I took those hostages.\n\nCALCULON\nI saw that! You were good. Let's hear\nyou audition.\n\n[The casting director hands Bender a script. Bender thumbs through\nit.]\n\nBENDER\nBanditos eh? Aw this is great! 'Cause\nI happen to have a flawless Spanish\naccent! (bad Spanish accent) I will\nsay adios Padre! Come Jesus ye faithful.\nTonight we eat...guacamole by the El\nRio!\n\nCALCULON\nThat was so terrible I think you gave\nme cancer! I don't care how popular\nyou are, you will never work on my show!\n\nCALCULON\nHowever, you've got the job. Welcome\naboard son!\n\nBENDER\nFathero!\n\n[He hugs Calculon.]\n\n[All My Circuits Soundstage. Outside a red light is on and a\nsign indicates Taping In Progress, All Welcome (Writers Keep\nOut). On a hospital room set Calculon and Bender prepare for\na scene.]\n\nCALCULON\nBender I'd like you to meet our director......who's\nname I never learned.\n\nBENDER\nYo! I read the script and I think it\nwould help my character's motivation\nif he was on fire.\n\nDIRECTOR\nUh, don't worry 'bout the script baby,\nwe re-wrote your part to better suit\nyour acting abilities.\n\nBENDER\nSo now my character has a British accent?\n\nDIRECTOR\nNo, now your character's in a coma.\nGet in bed and don't move. And...action!\n\nBENDER\n(muttering) Stupid dumb coma...coulda\nbeen British.\n\n[Calculon moves to his bedside.]\n\nCALCULON\nAlas that mine only son should sink\ninto an irreversible, permanent...coma.\n\nBENDER\n(quietly) Permanent? That's completely\nout of character for Antonio. I'm gettin'\nup.\n\nCALCULON\nCurse the tragic wildebeast accident\nthat -\n\n[Bender sits up on the bed.]\n\nBENDER\nHey everyone! Antonio here but you can\ncall me \"Bender\"! I got ants in my butt\nand I needs to strut. C'mon baby!\nC'mon!\n\n[The director stands watching, gobsmacked while a woman behind\nhim leafs through the script. Calculon stares at Bender.]\n\nCALCULON\nI'm not familiar with the type of thing\nI'm seeing.\n\nBENDER\nBite my shiny metal ass! Ooo yeah!\nC'mon baby, do that, oo yeah!\n\nDIRECTOR\n(shouting) Cut! That's the worst coma\nacting I've ever seen. I'll have to\nshoot it again.\n\nCALCULON\nNo! No, no, no I don't do two takes.\n\nDIRECTOR\nBut this guy was -\n\nCALCULON\nAmateurs like you do two takes, I do\none take. Print it, I'll be in my three\nstorey trailer.\n\n[He takes a bouquet of flowers from a woman.]\n\n[All My Circuits Editting Room. Calculon and the director watch\nBender's antics.]\n\nBENDER [ON TV]\nBite my shiny metal ass! Ooo yeah!\nC'mon baby, c'mon yeah!\n\nBENDER\nNow that's hospital dancing. Pretty\ngood eh Calcky?\n\nCALCULON\nGood? I've seen better acting from extras\nin Godzilla movies. I don't even remember\nshooting this scene.\n\nDIRECTOR\nWe didn't. That's security camera footage\nfrom your dressing room.\n\nCALCULON\nHe stole the scene and my money? That's\nit! I demand you fire this felonious\nham!\n\n[An alarm beeps and a red light starts to flash.]\n\nDIRECTOR\nThe network Execubots are coming!\n\nCALCULON\nDear God!\n\n[Enter three huge clunky robots on tracks.]\n\nBETABOT\nPresenting the president of the network.\n\n[A man walks in, places a iBook on a desk and leaves. A modem\nin the iBook beeps and the network president, the iBook itself,\nstarts to speak.]\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nGreetings gentlemen, you already know\nmy Execubots. Executive Alpha, programmed\nto like things that are seen before.\n\nALPHABOT\nHey hey hey.\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nExecutive Beta, programmed to roll dice\nto determine the fall schedule.\n\n[Betabot rolls two dice.]\n\nBETABOT\nMore reality shows.\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nAnd Executive Gamma, programmed to underestimate\nmiddle America.\n\nGAMMABOT\nIt's funny but is it going to get them\noff their tractors?\n\n[The president plays a clip of Bender dancing on his screen.]\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nNow, who put this obnoxious dancing\nrobot on my network?\n\nDIRECTOR\nWe were about to fire him sir.\n\n[The president's screen has changed to a picture of a family\nin front of a TV screen.]\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nSilence hack! We've been monitoring\nour Nielsen families carefully and during\nthe 12 seconds Bender was on screen,\nviewer eyeball focus was up 90%.\n\nCALCULON\nSir, children watch this show. Bender's\nno role model, he's a filth monger!\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nAt our network, we love filth! Filthy\nrich that is! Being filthy rich that\nis! \"Bite my shiny metal ass\" could\nbe a catchphrase.\n\nALPHABOT\n80% likely.\n\nGAMMABOT\nIt will play in Peoria.\n\n[Betabot rolls his dice.]\n\nBETABOT\nGameshows are back.\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nWe need this edgy, sweeps-ready robot\non our network. Bender? Can you continue\nto drink, smoke and steal things on\nTV?\n\n[Bender takes Calculon's wallet.]\n\nBENDER\nYes I can.\n\n[Musical To Black Flag's TV Party Bender's status as a cult icon\nrockets. On the side of the All My Circuits soundstage, men paste\na huge picture of Bender over the cast picture. An episode of\nthe show is broadcast where Human Friend is getting married,\nonly for his bride to turn out to be Bender in the middle of\nthe ceremony. He lifts his veil, lights a cigar and pulls out\na copy of Playbot. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim watch in the\nPlanet Express lounge and cheer. At the 7^11 fine Bender tobacco\nproducts include Bender Smokes, Benderillos and Bender's Favorite.\nA kid points at the Bender's Favorite. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny\nTim carry on watching All My Circuits. Bender is creditted as\nStarring Bender as \"Bender.\" He walks into a restaurant where\nCalculon and Monique are dining and tips there table over along\nwith the two of them. He drinks back a bottle of beer and randomly\nfires a laser into the air. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim cheer\nand tip the table in the lounge over. The cover story on TV Week\nMonthly is Bender: TV's Rowdiest Robot Opens Up About Drinking,\nSmoking & His Feud with Jay. Inside his chest cabinet is beer,\ncigars and Jay Leno's gagged head in a jar. In another episode\nBender spits his cigar at Human Friend. It bounces off him and\nback into Bender's mouth.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim laugh at\nBender's antics. Dwight pulls out a pack of cigars perhaps.]\n\nDWIGHT\nYo, check out what I jacked from my\nDad.\n\nCUBERT\nA cigar!\n\nTINNY TIM\nRipping!\n\n[Dwight lights the cigar, takes a puff and impersonates his hero.]\n\nDWIGHT\nLook! I'm Bender!\n\n[He suddenly vomits and faints. Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]\n\nHERMES\nRas H. Tafari. What's goin' on here?\n\n[Farnsworth picks up the cigar in his feet and hands it to Hermes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThe ruffians smoked one of your cigars.\n\nHERMES\nThat's not a cigar. Uh...and it's not\nmine!\n\n[He puts it in his inside pocket.]\n\nCUBERT\nHey Dad, bite my shiny metal ass!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat? Such an act would be most uncomfortable\nfor both of us! Where did you learn\nsuch language?\n\nTINNY TIM\nFrom Bender my good jerkwad.\n\nHERMES\nBender eh? That guy's really startin'\nto twist my dreads.\n\n[Time Lapse. Farnsworth and Hermes are gone, replaced by Fry,\nLeela, Zoidberg and Bender on the couch. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny\nTim sit on the floor all watching TV.]\n\nBENDER\nOK OK OK, get ready for this part.\n\nZOIDBERG\nQuiet robot, Bender's on TV.\n\n[On the TV Calculon and Monique enter a cabin covered in snow.]\n\nMONIQUE [ON TV]\nOh Calculon, it's so good to get away\nfrom the city and that beastly, yet\nintriguing, Bender.\n\n[She gasps. Bender is guzzling down a kegg of beer on the other\nside of the room. He cheers and lights his finger like a lighter.]\n\nBENDER [ON TV]\nTry this kids at home!\n\n[A \"Don't Try This Kids At Home\" caption appears underneath.\nBender lights his alcoholic breath and his head catches fire,\nfollowed by the rest of his body. The screen pulls back. The\nAll My Circuits episode was just another clip on Entertainment\nAnd Earth Invasion Tonite.]\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nIs television sensation Bender a bad\nrole model for Earth children?\n\n[Bender spins a pair of scissors around on both of his hands.\nZoidberg leans away from him.]\n\nBENDER\nThat's crazy.\n\nLINDA [ON TV]\nA new protest group, Fathers Against\nRude Television, says \"Hell yes!\"\n\nFRY\nPft. What kind of bozos would start\na Bender protest group?\n\n[Enter Farnsworth and Hermes.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood news everyone. Hermes and I have\nstarted a Bender protest group.\n\nZOIDBERG\nThat was uncanny.\n\nHERMES\nFathers Against Rude Television don't\nwant our kids watching Bender's high\ndefinition filth.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAnd for what? Some kind of cheap laugh?\nThat's not what F-A-R-T is all about.\n\nHERMES\nNo sir, not us FARTers.\n\nBENDER\nWhoa, whoa, whoa. You can't censor me\njust 'cause I'm an obscenely bad role\nmodel.\n\nLEELA\nAs unclean as it makes me feel, I agree\nwith Bender. Kids don't turn rotten\njust from watching TV.\n\nFRY\nYeah. Give a little credit to our public\nschools.\n\n[Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Dwight, Cubert and Tinny Tim\nsit slumped against the attic dome under the moonlight. Cubert\nsighs.]\n\nCUBERT\nOur dads are all pumped up on dorkosterum.\nWe're just trying to be cool like Bender.\n\nDWIGHT\nYeah, and it's not even working. Smoking\nand drinking make us barf.\n\nTINNY TIM\nGentle jerkwads. I know how to emulate\nBender without barfing. We could commit\na burglary.\n\nDWIGHT\nHey, yeah!\n\nCUBERT\nBender loves to burgle!\n\nDWIGHT\nHold up though. Who could we rob? We\ndon't even know anyone with cool stuff.\n\nCUBERT\nDuh! We know someone who runs on pure\ncool fuel. Bender!\n\nDWIGHT\nWhoa!\n\nTINNY TIM\nWe'll rob Bender!\n\n[Cubert laughs.]\n\nDWIGHT\nTV gave us the idea.\n\n[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Cubert, Dwight and Tinny Tim\nsneak towards Fry and Bender's apartment with a sack.]\n\nCUBERT\nOK. It's crime time.\n\n[He, Dwight and Tinny Tim put on some crude Bender face masks.\nCubert opens the apartment door and they sneak in.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. Fry plays a console game with\none hand while reading a Space Boy comic. He takes a swig of\nbeer. Tinny Tim, wearing his Bender mask, walks past Fry carrying\nBender's chair. Fry doesn't look up.]\n\nFRY\nHey Bender. Hey Bender. Hey Bender.\nHey Bender.\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Cubert and Dwight's new party gets started.\nThey open the door and Tinny Tim, some Cookieville orphans and\nBrett Blob walk in. Dwight and Cubert choose classical music\nfor the party and play Bust A Move by Young MC.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The room is filled with\nmore kids. Brett plays Bender's banjo then hits one of his gold\nbricks with it, breaking the banjo. He and some others laugh.\nAlbert smokes one of Bender's Zuban cigars and throws up. Tinny\nTim takes a copy of Playbot out of a box marked \"Bender's Adult\nPeriodicals.\" He sees a spread inside and his eye litterally\npop out. Enter Hermes and Farnsworth. The music stops.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWhat's going on in here? Oh. Now I'm\nreally outraged.\n\nHERMES\nWhere did you requisition this party?\nAnd Zoidberg, what are you doing here?\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'm networking. Let me give you my card.\n\n[He pulls out a scrap of card with \"ZoiDBERg\" written on it and\noffers it to Sally and Nina. Neither of them bother taking it.]\n\nCUBERT\nRelax Dad, we just invited a few friends\nover.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nHmm. There's something wrong with your\nstory but I can't put my finger on it.\nOf course! You don't have friends!\n\nHERMES\nYeah. Why do these popular kids consider\nyou cool all of a sudden?\n\nDWIGHT\nUh...we're just cool is all!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBalderdash! I'll be the judge of who's\ncool, using the cool-o-meter!\n\n[He takes a box with a needle on it out of his pocket. He scans\nover the orphans and the box beeps and the needle moves halfway\naround the gauge; he scans Zoidberg, who waves, and the beeping\nstops and the needle flops back down again; he scans more orphans\nand the needle goes back halfway. Finally he scans Tinny Tim,\nDwight and Cubert and the machine beeps rapidly and the needle\ngoes right around to maximum. A huge thumbs up pops out the side\nof the machine.]\n\nCOOL-O-METER\nOh yeah!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nGood Lord, I'm getting a reading of\nover 40 mega-Fonzies!\n\nHERMES\nEverybody out!\n\n[The kids groans and file out along with Zoidberg.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nSo do you guys know about anything else\ngoing on, because I'm totally still\nready to party.\n\n[Hermes taps a girl on the shoulder and makes her hand something\nover. She hands him a lava lamp and runs out.]\n\nHERMES\nThere's enough cool stuff here to furnish\na happenin' pad. Where did it all come\nfrom?\n\nTINNY TIM\nDon't tell comrades. All for one and\none for all!\n\n[Dwight and Cubert look at each other and cave.]\n\nDWIGHT\nWe stole it!\n\nTINNY TIM\nOh crumb!\n\n[Bender's loot safe opens and Bender himself steps out of it\nand yawns and stretches.]\n\nBENDER\nWhat? What's going on?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'll tell you what. Our boys have taken\nup stealing! One of the worst and coolest\nof crimes.\n\nHERMES\nAnd all from watching you on TV you\ncool jerk.\n\nBENDER\nHey lay off me. TV would stink if everyone\non it was a positive role model. Bender\nis about entertainment baby! You can't\nhold me responsible for what kids do\nwhen - hey! This is my stuff they stole!\nThat's the last straw! Bender should\nnot be allowed on television!\n\n[Outside Planet Express. At the back of the building hundreds\nof angry dads are crowded around to hear Bender make a speech.\nThe back of the hangar has been opened so the ship is right behind\nhim. Bender stands at a podium with Farnsworth and Hermes right\nbeside him.]\n\nBENDER\nBender must be stopped. I've gone too\nfar. Who does that guy think I am?\nC'mon! We're gonna march all the way\nto Hollywood and make them stop forcing\ntheir filthy me down our throats.\n\n[He turns around and heads towards the ship.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Bender marches up the ship's\nsteps followed by Hermes, Farnsworth and the other members of\nFART.]\n\n[The ship takes off from the hangar, flies up into space and\nback down the other side of North America to Hollywood.]\n\n[Cut to: Outside Television Studios. The FART mob march out of\nthe ship chanting.]\n\nFART MOB\n(chanting) Down with Bender! Down with\nBender! Down with Bender! Down with\nBender!\n\n[The stop marching when they reach a security barrier. Bender\ntakes care of it.]\n\nBENDER\nThis mob's with me.\n\nSECURITY GUARD\nGo ahead.\n\n[He raises the barrier and the mob carries on marching.]\n\nFART MOB\n(chanting) Down with Bender! Down with\nBender! Down with Bender! Down with\n- - Bender! Down with Bender!\n\n[Cut to: All My Circuits Soundstage. On a hospital set Calculon\nis dressed as a doctor. Boxy is wearing a tuxedo and is in bed\nand a formally-dressed Fembot that looks like Boxy is in another\nbed.]\n\nCALCULON\nAs a doctor and captain of this hospital\nshift, I now pronounce you man and wife\nwith six months to live.\n\n[His eyes widen in shock. Enter the FART mob.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nListen up Hollywood. We're an exciting\nnew mob.\n\n[The mob agree.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah!\n\nHERMES\nYou'd better believe it!\n\n[Calculon looks shocked.]\n\nCALCULON\nGreat Shatner's ghost!\n\nBENDER\nWe demand that all TVs be equipped with\na v-chip that blocks Bender from appearing\non the screen.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nBooya!\n\n[Enter the network president and his Execubots.]\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nI'm afraid the answer is a gritty in-your-face\nno.\n\nBENDER\nThen I quit.\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nThen you don't quit. I think you'll\nbe finishing the scene now Mr Bender\nand don't skimp on the nasty.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nThere'll be no further nasty. We still\nhave the option of resorting to violence.\n\nHERMES\nWhat makes you think that'll work?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI saw it on TV in that episode where\nBender shot Calculon! How cool is that?\n\n[Bender dances around smoking a cigar.]\n\nBENDER\nOoo yeah baby c'mon -\n\n[He panics as Farnsworth points his laser at him.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nQuit the show!\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nDo the scene.\n\n[Bender puts his hands up.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI'm a cold blooded punk!\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nI once put a laugh track on a sitcom\nthat had no jokes in it.\n\nBENDER\nHey look, the prop guy has a lamp!\n\n[The Execubot turns around with the president in his hands.]\n\nNETWORK PRESIDENT\nReally?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha?\n\n[Bender yoinks the guns from their hands.]\n\nBENDER\nAha!\n\n[Farnsworth gasps.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nI was using that!\n\nBENDER\nListen up, 'cause I've got a climactic\nspeech! You, cameraman, keep the camera\nrolling. You, director, gimmie my motivation.\n\nDIRECTOR\nYou're angry.\n\nBENDER\nPerfect. Viewers of the world, do smoking\nand drinking on TV really make me cool?\nOf course they do. How 'bout committing\ncrimes and violence? Again, the answer\nis \"yes.\" But do we really want our\nkids exposed to that kind of trash on\nTV? I say absolutely not! Uh...on the\nother hand, most - perhaps all the blame\nrests with the parents. That's right\nyou! And so I ask you this one question:\nHave you ever tried simply turning off\nthe TV, sitting down with your children,\nand hitting them?\n\nHERMES\n(ashamed) We're just so busy.\n\nBENDER\nWell make time.\n\nDIRECTOR\nAnd...cut!\n\n[Calculon applauds.]\n\nCALCULON\nGood enough. Splice in some reaction\nshots of me and shove it on the air.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge.]\n\nBENDER [ON TV]\n...Have you ever tried simply turning\noff the TV, sitting down with your children,\nand hitting them?\n\n[Archive All My Circuits footage of Calculon reacting to something\ncompletely different is spliced in. The whole crew, Cubert, Dwight\nand Tinny Tim watch the TV.]\n\nHERMES\nWell, I'd say we all learned a valuable\nlesson about TV there.\n\nCUBERT\nWhat was it?\n\n[As Hermes defends himself on the TV there is more archive footage\nof Calculon reacting to something in a poker game.]\n\nFARNSWORTH\nUh...that we should all take TV a little\nless seriously. And more importantly,\nturn it off once in a while.\n\nFRY\nHear hear!\n\nLEELA\nYeah!\n\nBENDER\nDamn right!\n\n[On the TV Calculon reacts to something on a snowy mountain.]\n\nDWIGHT\nSo, should we turn it off now?\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWell, uh, that depends what's on.\n\n[Fry flicks through the channels with the remote.]\n\nFRY\nNothing good.\n\nFARNSWORTH\nAh let's just keep watching.\n\n[They all turn back to the screen and watch Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]\n\n[Closing Credits. The crew perform Black Flag's TV Party while\nwatching Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) TV party tonight!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nWha?\n\nBENDER\n(singing) TV party tonight!\n\nFARNSWORTH\nOh!\n\nFRY\n(singing) We've got nothing better to\ndo...\n\nLEELA\n(singing) ...Than watch TV and have\na couple of brews!\n\nZOIDBERG\n(singing) Don't wanna talk about anything\nelse...\n\nFRY\n(singing) We don't wanna know!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(singing) We're dedicated, yes!\n\nHERMES\n(singing) ...To our favourite shows!\n\nCUBERT\nAll My Circuits\n\nDWIGHT\nEverybody Loves Hypno-Toad!\n\nAMY\nScary Door!\n\nLEELA\nBlernsmen at Blernsball!\n\nBENDER\nFuturama!"
  },
  {
    "url": "https://imsdb.com/transcripts/Futurama-The-Devil's-Hands-Are-Idle-Playthings.html",
    "text": "FUTURAMA\n\nEpisode 516\n\n\"THE DEVIL'S HANDS ARE IDLE PLAYTHINGS\"\n\nBy\n\nKen Keeler\n\nTranscribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet\n\n[Opening Credits. Caption: See You On Some Other Channel. Above\nthe caption Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]\n\n[Fry and Bender's Lounge. It's the middle of the night. A bad\nrendition of The Grumpy Snail comes from Fry's room. Bender,\nwearing pyjama trousers, pokes his head around the corner from\nhis room.]\n\nBENDER\nHuh? I choose to not understand these\nsigns.\n\n[He puts his hand on the doorknob and turns it.]\n\n[Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The door opens and Bender sees Fry sat\non his bed playing the holophonor. The green holographic smoke\nsnakes upwards from it but he can't form a picture.]\n\nBENDER\nAha!\n\n[Fry quickly hides the holophonor behind him.]\n\nFRY\nBender?? I was just not playing the\nholophonor.\n\n[He wafts the smoke away with his hand.]\n\nBENDER\nYeah well you should try not stinking\nat it.\n\nFRY\nI am trying. (ashamed) I've been taking\nlessons.\n\nBENDER\nLessons? Oh that's rich! Isn't it time\nyou gave up all hope of ever improving\nyourself in any way?\n\nFRY\nI know I should but I just can't. Remember\nwhen I had those stomach worms that\nmade me smart? I could play the holophonor\nand it made Leela like me. Hey Bender,\nas long as you know, I have a holophonor\nrecital Tuesday and I'd really like\nto have somebody there. Please?\n\n[Bender sighs.]\n\nBENDER\nFine I'll go already. Y'know sometimes\nI wish your real parents were still\nalive...not often.\n\n[He and Fry hug.]\n\n[Outside Holophonor School. The sign reads \"Holophonor Teacher.\nTaking The Joy Out Of Music For 20 Years.\" Fry and Bender ride\nsome Segways on the pavement and Fry crashes his into Bender's.]\n\nBENDER\nWhoa...hey!\n\n[Holophonor School. The room is decorated like an old woman's\nhome, being as the teacher herself is an old woman. A mother\nstraightens her son's hair and the teacher approaches Fry and\nBender with a tray.]\n\nFRY\nUh...hello Mrs Mellenger.\n\nMRS MELLENGER\nHello Philip. And you must be Mr Bender.\nPhilip's told me so much about you.\nIs it true that you're a robot?\n\nBENDER\nI prefer the term \"love machine.\"\n\n[He growls sexfully.]\n\n[Time Lapse. Everyone sits down and watches the kid with the\nuntidy hair play Beethoven's F\u00fcr Elise on his holophonor. The\nholographic smoke whirls around and forms a picture of an elegantly\ndressed man and woman. The man plays an open grand piano and\nthe woman sits on it. Some steps fly around the back of the man\nand the woman gets up and walks up them. The man follows her\nas they climb into the clouds. A barrel rolls under them and\nscores 100 points for each like in the Donkey Kong game. The\naudience applauds. Bender leans over to the kid's mother.]\n\nBENDER\nWow, your kid is great. How hard did\nyou say you had to hit him?\n\nMOTHER\nFairly hard.\n\n[Fry puts My First Holophonor on the music stand. He flips through\nit, sits down and clears his throat.]\n\nFRY\nThe...Grumpy Snail. Sorry.\n\n[He carries on playing then starts playing badly. The snail turns\ninto a slimy, salivating beast and starts growling at the audience.\nThey scream.]\n\nKID\n(crying) It's too grumpy!\n\n[A man screws up a piece of paper and throws it at Fry. More\npeople throw paper at Fry and the snail disappears.]\n\nFRY\nOw! No! Quit it! Stop it!\n\n[Bender stands up, applauds and cheers. The audience stares at\nhim.]\n\nMRS MELLENGER\nMr Bender, I simply can not teach your\nchild.\n\nBENDER\nThen good day madam! We hope to see\nyou soon for tea.\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender and Fry sit at the table with\nthe holophonor.]\n\nFRY\nIt's hopeless. I can hear all this great\nmusic in my head but my stupid hands\ncan't keep up.\n\nBENDER\nAww, you know what always cheers me\nup? Laughing at other people's misfortunes.\n\n[He laughs at Fry's misfortune. Enter Leela with a clipboard.]\n\nLEELA\nHey guys, you missed a great delivery\nto Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?\n\nFRY\nUh...a concert.\n\nLEELA\nOoo was it jazz-noodling? My ex-boyfriend\nSean played the sax. I used to listen\nfor hours while he sat naked on my couch\nand improvised.\n\nBENDER\nSo musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein\nhuh?\n\nLEELA\nYeah, it's weird. Sean was uneducated,\nunambitious. He was pastey and hunched...\n\nFRY\n(quietly) Pretty boy.\n\nLEELA\n...But when he played I could sense\nthis incredible, beautiful creative\nsoul. Then one day I found someone else's\ncouch fibres on his butt.\n\n[She walks out into the meeting room, muttering to herself. The\ndoor closes behind her and Fry stands up from the table.]\n\nFRY\nIt could be my beautiful soul sitting\nnaked on her couch if I could just learn\nto play this stupid thing.\n\n[Bender stands up.]\n\nBENDER\nOh but you can. Although you may have\nto metaphorically make a \"deal with\nthe devil.\" And by \"devil\" I mean \"Robot\nDevil.\" And by \"metaphorically\" I mean\n\"get your coat.\"\n\n[Robot Hell. Hellbots torture damned robots in the burning cave\nunderneath The Inferno and they scream in pain. Beelzebot and\nhis band of Hellbots practice the Robot Hell song. He plays his\ngolden fiddle and then suddenly stops.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nGod, you hit a sour note about 200 years\nback Doug! Let's take it from the top.\nAh Bender, Fry. You've come back for\nmore eternal damnation.\n\n[Bender stands up and dust himself off.]\n\nBENDER\nNo, this isn't a religious visit. Fry\njust wants holophonor lessons.\n\n[Fry stands up.]\n\nFRY\nYep. I need to get really good without\npracticing.\n\n[The Robot Devil cackles evilly.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nHell is full of ten year olds who wanted\nexactly the same thing. Trouble is,\nyou have what my old music teacher Mrs\nMellenger called \"stupid fingers.\"\nWith hands like that you'll be lucky\nto master a belt buckle. Now wouldn't\nit be nice if you had a pair of robot\nhands to replace them?\n\nFRY\nSure it would. Oh well. Goodbye.\n\n[He turns around and Bender stops him.]\n\nBENDER\nFry you smelly idiot, I think he's willing\nto make some kind of deal with the devil\nwith you.\n\nFRY\nHe is? Great! Wait, what's the catch?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nNo catch. I'll merely pick a robot at\nrandom from somewhere in the universe\n- probably one you've never even met\n- and then I'll remove his hands and\nswitch them for yours. It's just the\nsort of guy I am, what do you say?\n\nFRY\nI don't know. It doesn't seem entirely\nmoral to -\n\nBENDER\nFry if you don't take this offer right\nnow I will lose all respect for you\nand punch you.\n\n[The Robot Devil giggles and drums his fingers on the huge Wheel\nOf Robots in anticipation of Fry's decision.]\n\nFRY\nWell...alright. You sure I probably\nwon't know him?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nDefinitely probably not. Just sign\nthis contract.\n\nBENDER\nWow.\n\n[Fry signs the contract and the Robot Devil pulls it away from\nhim.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nAnd here we go!\n\n[He spins the huge wheel and cackles insanely.]\n\nBENDER\nI got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exambot!\n\n[They watch as the wheels cycles through hundreds of robots.\nIt begins to slow down. The arrow passes Emotitron Jr from Bender\nShould Not Be Allowed On TV, Ceiling Fan from Mother's Day and\nHookerbot from Hell Is Other Robots. It reaches \"Bender\" and\nslows down even more and just manages to pass it, finally coming\nto rest on \"Robot Devil.\" The Robot Devil screams.]\n\nFRY\nRobot Devil? I get your hands? Zam!\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nOh what an appallingly ironic outcome.\n\nBENDER\nIt's not ironic it's just coincidental.\nNow fork over those lady-fingers cookie!\n\n[Fry holds out his hands and the Robot Devil sighs. He takes\na meat cleaver out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nY'know I only put my name on there as\na show of good faith for the other robots.\n\nFRY\nStop being such a baby and chop my hands\noff.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nOh very well.\n\n[He very quickly chops and swaps Fry's and his hands. Fry looks\nat his new hands.]\n\nFRY\n(impressed) How'd you do that?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nThey're very good hands.\n\n[Fry flexes his new fingers.]\n\nFRY\nAt last! At last I have the power to\nmake Leela love me.\n\n[The hands grab his around the throat and start to choke him.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nOh sorry, that'll wear off in a couple\nof days.\n\n[He looks at his new hands and Fry falls to the floor, still\nchoking.]\n\n[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Next morning Farnsworth, Hermes,\nLeela, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender are sat around the table. Enter\nFry.]\n\nFRY\nCheck it out everyone. I'm back from\nhell and I've got the Robot Devil's\nhands!\n\nAMY\nNeat! Let's see a trick.\n\nFRY\nAlrighty!\n\n[He spins off Bender's head and starts to completely dismantle\nhim. Then he starts juggling the pieces. Bender panics as he\njuggles. Enter Scruffy.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nSomebody called the Robot Devil's here\nto see somebody called Fry.\n\nFRY\nUh-oh.\n\n[He quickly puts Bender back together and runs out.]\n\nBENDER\nWhere'd I go just now?\n\n[Planet Express: Entrance. Fry walks into the foyer where the\nRobot Devil is already standing.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nHello Fry. Just dropped by to make\nsure you're as happy with our little\ndeal as I am. Give me back my hands!\nThese things are always touching me\nin places.\n\n[Fry chuckles.]\n\nFRY\nYeah, they get around! But I'm afraid\nwe had a deal.\n\n[The Robot Devil groans.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nIt looks like I wasted a bus trip.\n\nFRY\nYes you did.\n\n[Montage Later that night Fry sits in his bedroom playing The\nGrumpy Snail much better than before. The next day he plays Beethoven's\nF\u00fcr Elise to Mrs Mellenger. Like the kid who played it before,\nthe formally dressed man and woman dance. A formally dressed\ngrumpy snail slides between them and the man dances with him\ninstead. A barrel rolls down the steps and knocks the woman over.\nAt Hovercar-Negie Hall Fry plays with a full orchestra to a captivated\naudience. His holo-dancers dance to the music and twist around\nthe grumpy snail's eyestalks. The audience goes wild. From a\nbalcony Leela watches with tears in her eyes. She applauds.]\n\n[Planet Express: Lounge. There is an advertisement on TV presented\nby the grumpy snail. At the side of the screen is a picture of\nFry in an oval holding his holophonor underneath \"Fry's Greatest\nHolophonor Hits.\"]\n\nGRUMPY SNAIL [ON TV]\nYes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso\nPhilip Fry play 900 of his classic themes\nin your own home on this two-record\nset. That's over 30 minutes of music\nfor only $14.99.\n\n[Fry sits on the couch bored. Zoidberg picks up the phone and\nstarts dialling.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nOnly $14.99 for a two-record set. Two\nrecords! Oh Zoidberg, at last you're\nbecoming a crafty consumer! Hello?\nI'll take eight!\n\n[The doorbell rings. Scruffy walks in from the meeting room and\npoints back the way he came.]\n\nSCRUFFY\nMr Hedonismbot to see you.\n\nFRY\nShow him in.\n\nSCRUFFY\nVery good sir.\n\n[He leaves. Enter Hedonismbot.]\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nAh Fry, congratulations. Your latest\nperformance was as delectable as dipping\nmy bottom over and over into a bath\nof the silkiest oils and creams!\n\nFRY\nThank you sir, that's exactly what I\nwas going for.\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nYou were the sole diversion in what\nhas been a pale and unamusing season.\nAnd so I would feign commission you\nwrite an opera.\n\n[He drops a bunch of grapes into his mouth.]\n\nFRY\nBut, I've never written an opera.\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nAnd I've never heard one. Still, if\nyou can keep me amused through the overture\nI shall consider it a smashing success.\n\nFRY\nBut I wouldn't even know what to write\nabout. Unless... OK I'll do it. If\nI can make it about Leela.\n\n[Leela stops eating and turns around.]\n\nLEELA\nMe? Really?\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nA man writing an opera about a woman?\nOh sera, how deliciously absurd! I\nshall see you at the premiere.\n\n[He walks out the door, laughing.]\n\n[Planet Express: Hangar. Late at night Leela hammers something\ninside the ship's port wing when she hears some music. She stops\nhammering and looks around.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Leela walks in trying to trace\nthe sound. She sees holographic silhouettes coming from underneath\na door like Bender did in the apartment.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Leela opens the door\nand sees Fry sat on the balcony playing the holophonor. In his\nimage two stick figures dance. He stops playing and writes some\nnotes on a music sheet.]\n\nLEELA\nIs it part of the opera?\n\n[Fry turns around and quickly puts the holophoner down.]\n\nFRY\nLeela! You shouldn't be listening.\nI-I don't want you to hear it 'til it's\ndone.\n\nLEELA\nBut it's so beautiful.\n\nFRY\nSo's a peacock but you don't eat it\n'til it's cooked. This has to be perfect.\nI want you to hear exactly what I hear\nwhen I think about you.\n\nLEELA\nOh Fry. All this time you've had this\nincredible gift and I never knew. I've\nbeen a fool. A fully justified prudent\nfool. They're so cold.\n\nFRY\n(shouting) No!\n\n[Planet Express: Kitchen. The next morning Bender wanders into\nthe kitchen humming with a towel wrapped around his waist. He\nopens the fridge and screams. The Robot Devil leaps out of it.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nAh Bender, this is a surprise! For you.\nFinding me in the refrigerator.\n\nBENDER\nTrue but at least I don't have the hiccups\nanymore. What up?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nOh well it so happens I'm in the mood\nto make a deal with you.\n\n[He puts his arms on Bender's shoulders but Bender pushes him\naway.]\n\nBENDER\nForget it, you can't tempt me.\n\n[He walks over and opens a cupboard.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(tempting) Really? There's nothing you\nwant?\n\nBENDER\nHm. I forgot you could tempt me with\nthings I want. Well, I suppose I've\nalways wondered what it would be like\nto be more annoying.\n\n[The Robot Devil chuckles.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nNothing simpler! And all I ask in return\nis you hands. To replace these bony\nhotdogs!\n\nBENDER\nGrabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these\nguys!\n\n[The Robot Devil groans.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nIs there anything else you would part\nwith?\n\nBENDER\nNo, nothing ain't gonna happen.\n\n[Time Lapse. The Robot Devil screws a huge white airhorn into\nBender's nose slot.]\n\nBENDER\nYes! With this built-in stadium airhorn\nI can really annoy people. And all it\ncost me was my crotchplate.\n\n[He bends over, puts his hand in his chest cabinet and wiggles\nhis hand between his legs.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nYou certainly are a shrewd businessman\nBender. Now find someone and give 'em\na good blast!\n\nBENDER\nYeah, that'll teach the first person\nI see a lesson!\n\n[He walks off.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nAh, my ridiculously circuitous plan\nis one-quarter complete!\n\n[He cackles evily...again.]\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy is sat on the couch eating\na buggalo leg. Leela puts her handbag on her shoulder.]\n\nLEELA\nWell, Fry's opera premiere's tomorrow\nnight. I'm off to find a pair of formal\ngloves that'll fit over my enormous\nforearms.\n\n[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Leela walks through the door\ninto the corridor between the lounge and meeting room and walks\nstraight into Bender who blasts her with a blast from his airhorn.\nShe holds her ears to block out the tremendous noise. Bender\nstops and laughs. The Robot Devil peeks around the corner from\nthe meeting room.]\n\nBENDER\nPretty annoying, huh Leela?\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) What? Are you talking? Oh\nGod I'm deaf!\n\nBENDER\nOops. I'm so so sorry Leela. I just\nwanted to annoy you.\n\nLEELA\n(shouting) What? Oh this is horrible.\nI won't be able to hear Fry's opera.\n\n[She starts to cry. The Robot Devil stands at the end of the\ncorridor watching them.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nAh how delightfully ironic.\n\nBENDER\nIt's not ironic, it's just mean. Take\nthis!\n\n[He blows the airhorn weakly.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nOoh! Out of aerosol? Also ironic!\n\nBENDER\nOh yeah? Well bite my shiny metal -\n(shouting) Oh nooo!\n\n[Outside Metropolitan House Of Opera. It's premiere night. Fry\nhas entitled his opera \"Leela: Orphan Of The Stars.\"]\n\n[Cut to: Metropolitan House Of Opera Auditorium. People stand\non an upper level and wait for flying booths to carry them off\nto the upper gallery. The entire Planet Express crew except Fry\nsit a few rows back from the front wearing formal clothes.]\n\nLEELA\nNobody tell Fry I'm deaf. If he found\nout I couldn't hear his opera, it'd\nbreak his heart.\n\nBENDER\nOK deafo.\n\n[A booth carrying Hedonismbot and his servants flies over the\nstage.]\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nCourtesans and gentle fops. I bid you\nwelcome to my opera. Let us cavort\nlike the Greeks of old. (sexfully) You\nknow the ones I mean.\n\n[The booth flies away and an orchestra plays. The lights dim,\nthe orchestra stops and a spotlight follows Fry as he walks across\nthe stage with his holophonor. The audience applauds and cheers.]\n\nLEELA\nYay Fry!\n\n[Zoidberg leans forward to some people in front.]\n\nZOIDBERG\nI watch TV with that guy!\n\n[Fry bows and sits down. He starts to play. The smoke forms an\nimage of a sign. \"Scene 1. Wherein Leela Is Found At The Orphanarium.\"\nThe holo-scene changes to the steps of Cookieville Minimum Security\nOrphanarium. The people are real actors with holographic costumes.\nA group of Holo-orphans watch as a Holo-Vogel steps out of the\nbuilding and sees holo-Leela in a basket.]\n\nHOLO-VOGEL\n(singing) Who is this one-eyed female\nbaby Moses?\n\nWith courage in her female baby smile.\n\nHOLO-ORPHANS\n(singing) A saviour from the stars,\n\nOr something stranger still.\n\nHOLO-LEELA\n(singing) Or just some lonely filthy\nstarving child.\n\n[In the audience Leela leans to Amy.]\n\nLEELA\nAmy, Fry's looking at me. What am s'posed\nto be feeling? Ah!\n\n[She turns back to the stage with her face screwed up in sadness.\nFry smiles and carries on playing.]\n\n[Time Lapse. On the stage a big green Holo-Godzilla holds Holo-Fry\nin it's hands. Holo-Bender watches as Holo-Leela points a laser\nat it.]\n\nHOLO-BENDER\n(singing) Leela! Leela Leela save him!\n\nSave Fry, save Fry,\n\nGodzilla will devour him,\n\nAs for me,\n\nI must be off,\n\nTo have my doctor check this cough!\n\n[He coughs.]\n\nGoodbye!\n\n[He turns away but Godzilla slams his foot down and blocks his\npath. In the audience Bender watches with great interest.]\n\nBENDER\nI don't recall ever fighting Godzilla\nbut that is so what I would have done.\n\n[Metropolitan House Of Opera Bar. It's the intermission and the\npatrons are gathered outside the auditorium. Calculon and Preacherbot\ntalk while Florp laughs at one of Humorbot 5.0's jokes. Amy and\nHermes are at the bar.]\n\nAMY\nOne diet double Martini please.\n\nBARTENDER\nAnd for you sir?\n\nHERMES\nI'll just have a Shirley Hemple.\n\n[Tinny Tim wanders in with a newspaper, passing Leela who is\nstanding by the coat room door.]\n\nTINNY TIM\nExtra! Extra! World's greatest opera\nonly half over!\n\n[Leela reads the headline.]\n\nLEELA\nHalf over? Oh, I'd give anything to\nhear the rest.\n\n[The coat door opens and Beelzebot is inside.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nAnything? Thank you sir. Now, as I\nwas saying, anything? Because I can\ngive you new robotic ears!\n\n[He points at his ears.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat? You can give me new ears? Wait,\nwhat seemingly reasonable thing do you\nwant in return?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nJust your hands my dear.\n\nLEELA\nWhatever you said, forget it!\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nAlright, just one hand.\n\nLEELA\nJust...my left hand? Um...uh...\n\nANNOUNCER\nPlease take your seats for act two.\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nBut I'm not done vomiting.\n\n[He laughs. Leela looks at the people behind her.]\n\nLEELA\nI can't stand it! OK. You can have\nmy hand.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nWonderful! Just sign here. Calculon\nold friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.\n\nCALCULON\nWell I do owe you for giving me this\nunholy (dramatically) acting talent!\n\n[The Robot Devil takes Calculon's ears off his head and puts\nthem into Leela's ears. She looks around and smiles.]\n\nLEELA\nI can hear! I can hear like a safecracker!\nHey, aren't you gonna take my hand?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nIn good time, you go enjoy the opera.\n\n[Leela gives him a shifty look but runs back into the auditorium\nanyway.]\n\n[Metropolitan House Of Opera Auditorium. Leela shuffles past\nthe rest of the crew and sits back in her seat. Fry plays the\nscene in Robot Hell where the Robot Devil decided who's hands\nto give him. Holo-Fry sees Leela as a winged angel.]\n\nHOLO-FRY\n(singing) To win Leela's heart with\nthe holophonor's art,\n\nI need hands of transcendental quickness.\n\nHOLO-ROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Well I don't see any danger,\n\nIn gambling with a stranger,\n\nFor my head is of a most amazing thickness.\n\n[He spins the Wheel Of Robots and falls over. The audience laughs.\nAt the back of the room the Robot Devil sees and growls. He stands\nup.]\n\nI'm stupid, I'm stupid,\n\nI'm stupider than you,\n\nI'm stupider than you in every way!\n\n[The real Robot Devil jumps onto the stage.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nStupider? Pah! This opera's as lousy\nas it is brilliant! Your lyrics lack\nsubtlety. You can't just have your characters\nannounce how they feel. That makes me\nfeel angry.\n\nFRY\nLook, what do you want?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) I want my hands back.\n\n[He laughs menacingly and columns of flame explode behind him.\nFry stands up.]\n\nFRY\nNever!\n\n(singing)A deal's a deal,\n\nEven with a dirty dealer.\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Very well,\n\nThen I'll take what I want from Leela.\n\n[The spotlight moves from the stage to Leela. Beelzebot extends\nhis arms and pulls her from her seat onto the stage.]\n\nLEELA\nWhoa!\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) Leela has promised me her\nhand.\n\n[The audience gasps.]\n\nLEELA\n(singing) Fry, you do not understand.\n\n[The music slows down and the spotlight narrows as Leela walks\nacross the stage.]\n\nI should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender,\n\nThe shame,\n\nThe shaaame,\n\nBut I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendour,\n\nDeception's the curse of my whimsical gender,\n\nHe gave me mechanical ears,\n\nEffective though just a bit garish,\n\nIn return without shedding a tear I agreed that I'd give him\nmy hand...\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) ...In marriage!\n\n[Fry gasps.]\n\nLEELA\nWhat?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) You'd give me your hand in\nmarriage.\n\n[He gets down on one knee. The audience watches. Farnsworth watches\nthrough some opera glasses, though are just as thick as his normal\nones.]\n\nHERMES\n(singing) Is this really happening or\njust being staged?\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(singing) It can't be real -\n\nAMY\n(singing) Not if Leela is engaged!\n\nLEELA\n(singing) That isn't what I meant,\n\nThat isn't what I signed.\n\n[The Robot Devil takes the contract out of his chest cabinet.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) You should have checked the\nwording in the fine... Print!\n\nLEELA\n(reading) I'll give you my hand...\n\n[In the audience Bender reads from a dictionary.]\n\nBENDER\n(singing) The use of words expressing\nsomething other than their literal intention,\n\nNow that is \"irony!\"\n\n[The Robot Devil pulls Preacherbot out of his seat and onto the\nstage.]\n\nROBOT DEVIL\n(singing) I will marry her now and confine\nher to hell,\n\nHow droll,\n\nHow droll!\n\nWhere Styx is a river,\n\nAnd not just a band,\n\nThough they'll play our reception if all goes as planned,\n\nUnless Fry you surrender my hands!\n\n[Fry looks at the hands on his wrists. The spotlight narrows\nover him.]\n\nFRY\n(singing) Destiny has cheated me by\nforcing me to decide upon,\n\nThe woman that I idolise,\n\nOr the hands of an automaton,\n\nWithout these hands I can't complete the opera that was captivating\nher,\n\nBut if I keep them,\n\nAnd she marries him,\n\nThen he probably won't want me dating her.\n\n[The audience applauds and cheers. Nixon sits next to Morbo and\nwife.]\n\nNIXON\nArooo!\n\n[Zapp the linguist sits on a balcony with a date.]\n\nZAPP\nBray-vo! Enn-core!\n\nFARNSWORTH\n(singing) I can't believe the devil\nis so unforgiving.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(singing) I can't believe everyone is\njust ad-libbing!\n\n[Leela struggles to get out of Beelzebot's hold but he is holding\nher too tightly. Fry gazes at his hands.]\n\nPREACHERBOT\n(singing) By the power vested in me,\n\nBy the state of New New York -\n\nFRY\nNo! Stop! Take my hands!\n\n(singing) You evil metal dork!\n\n[He falls to his knees and cries. The Robot Devil cackles, pulls\nout his cleaver and chops his hands off Fry's wrists. Leela gasps.\nThe lights dim.]\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nSurgery in an opera? How wonderfully\ndecadent and just as I was beginning\nto lose interest. The chocolate icing!\nOh my!\n\n[The Robot Devil screws his hands back onto his wrists and Fry\nlooks at his own.]\n\nFRY\nMy hands. My horrible human hands.\nAnd what did you do to my nails?\n\nROBOT DEVIL\nI cleaned them. Now if you'll excuse\nme it's my poker night and I feel lucky.\nSo it's back to hell for me. Come on\nNixon!\n\n[He picks up Nixon's jar.]\n\nNIXON\nHuh?\n\n[They vanish in a flash of smoke and flame. The audience murmur\nin confusion and don't notice the Robot Devil running out of\nthe auditorium behind them.]\n\nHEDONISMBOT\nLess reality, more fantasy. Resume the\nopera.\n\nFRY\nBut I can't play anymore.\n\nZOIDBERG\n(shouting) Yes you can. The beauty was\nin your heart, not your hands. The\nmusic's bad and you should feel bad.\n\n[The audience gets up and walks out, throwing paper at Fry along\nthe way.]\n\nFRY\nAh! Ooo, ah, whoa, hey!\n\n[Outside Metropolitan House Of Opera. The audience flock out\nof the opera house. Tinny Tim has a new newspaper.]\n\nTINNY TIM\n(shouting) Extra! Extra! Greatest opera\nof all time sucks!\n\nZOIDBERG\nI'll take eight!\n\n[He hands Tinny Tim some money and picks up a pile of newspapers.]\n\n[Metropolitan House Of Opera. Fry sits alone on the stage in\nthe empty auditorium. He puts his holophonor on the floor and\ngets up to leave.]\n\nLEELA\nPlease don't stop playing Fry. I wanna\nhear how it ends.\n\n[Fry turns around. Leela is the only person left in the room.\nHe smiles then sits down, picks up the holophonor and starts\nto play. The smoke whirls around above him and forms a crude\ncartoon-like image of him and Leela who turn to each other and\ntake hold of one another's hand. They kiss, turn around and walk\naway towards the horizon, never taking their eyes off each other.]\n\nTHE END"
  }
]